itcamefrombeneaththeblog

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Why Do I Have To Be Depressed For You To Care? - A Longpost Journaling/Rant

Today marks my 120 pounds lost. From 400 to 280.

One of the things that makes this journey I'm on hard is that I'm totally alone in it. Most of my life I have gone through alone. In 30 years I've had maybe 6 people I'd call close friends. 2 of them betrayed me horrifically. The other 4, well, Like I love them. But we're adults. We all live far away and I rarely see them. One is a mom, one is married to the love of his life, and the other two are far away.

As far as lovers go? Well when you're 400 pounds they're non-existent. The idea of someone loving you seems as probable as mystical fey creatures. Especially when you have a job as fucked up and hard as caregiving for your grandparents who have alzheimers, which I did from age 21 to 29. Nobody wants to be in your life when you go through that. I don't blame them, I didn't want to be in my life then either.

So it shouldn't be hard for me now should it? I mean I'm a fuckin' professional at being alone now. Aren't I? Is anyone ever? I'm as healthy as I've been in yeeears. I've lost 120 pounds. And I'm sitting here, in a chair, listening to the wind softly blow my curtains next me. I can hear my neighbors, the squealing of tires. It's very lonely. I'd love to have someone be like, great job babe, or something like that. Just a celebratory kiss would probably make the last ten years of my life worth it.

But here I am alone. And I'm not so much sad, as I'm just hit by the realization that I did this for myself. This person I dislike so much, I transformed them, me, into this new person. And I originally did it so I would be more attractive. Such a silly reason, but that's the truth. I started out trying to make myself more desireable and in the end I seem to have found myself. This should be a grand revelation, but it isn't. I still feel empty.

I dunno. There's desperate lonliness within me. And that's not attractive, but I feel like I really hate how we as a race of beings have normalized not caring about the lonely souls like me.

I'm no incel. I'm not a poor sad sack or a woe is me lame asshole whose sad all the time. But this blog often finds me being very sad and talking only about things that are dark and depressing.

And that's because depressing has got me a bunch of views, people commenting, and so many people have seen my work. Depression sells. Isn't that...wrong? Why do I need to be depressed for you to care? Why am I only interesting to you when I'm suffering?

Did you know I've made a bunch of positive and health conscious posts? Probably not because nobody seems to give two shits about them. But the suicide poems, the poem about being SA'd as a child, poems about death and heartache, they do *really* well.

Why have we normalized sadness? Why is it cool in these artistic spaces to be so destitute emotionally? I don't know. Part of me thinks these are rhetorical questions that can't be answered satisfyingly. Part of me considers it to be in that misery loves company vein.

Is there a point to this? Well if you read this far I hope so, so you didn't feel like you wasted your time. I hope my writing is interesting to you. The point I want to make is that I lost 120 fucking pounds. That is staggering. I lost a whole person. I should be jumping for joy with friends or a lover.

But I'm not. It's like I've been programmed, brainwashed into feeling morose all the time because I don't have this or that, but also because being morose and sad gets me the attention I so desperately crave. How fucked is that? I've conditioned myself into a state of self-destruction.

So...I guess my ultimate point is that we need way more love in this culture, as cliche as that sounds. Because I think a lot of this isolationist jag our generations are on suck. And I'm as much to blame as anyone. We need a radical shift in mood, otherwise how are we, the dreamers, ever going to influence the chamge we want to see, if we're not willing to chamge ourselves?

I want what I want. I want someone to give a shit. Just one.

And holy goddamn, that one person is harder to find apparently than 120 pounds is to lose. That is profoundly painful.

#blog #long form content #long post #introspection #introspective #gothic #sad boy #sad #sad thoughts #happy

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

I can see all the way through this pair of jean shorts I had when I weighed 400 pounds. They used to be *tight*.

So yeah, that feels fucking good lol.

Also yes, that is my crotch, because I'm a shameful dirty little so and so lol

#blog #working out #weight loss #losing weight #goals #life goals #fuck yeah me

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

I saw this movie when I was 8.

I was very too young.

And I loved it.

Somehow I grew up straight but...yeah lol.

#blog #rocky horror picture show #sweet transvestite #from transexual #transilvania #ha ha #rose tint my world #over at the frankenstein place #Science Fiction/Double Feature #hot patootie #bless my soul #i really love that rock 'n roll #seriously though I was too young #Spotify

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Don't. Fucking.

Ghost people.

I would so much rather you just suck it up and say, "Hey not my thing, thanks, I'm done."

It took me two seconds to write that. Yeah it would suck, yeah it would hurt, but it's soooooo much better than the alternative.

You just write one sentence, and then you never have to see or look or talk to them ever again! But at least they know. At least they don't have to sit and wait those hours that turn into a day, hoping they didn't fuck up and that you're just tired or busy, killing themselves with worry and self doubt, resigning themselves to that black pit of depression.

Just put on your adult pants and tell people how you fucking feel. I'm so sick of this timidity. Men, women, whoever. If you ghost people, fuck you. Fuck you forever.

#blog #people that ghost are weak #life blogging

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

My Wall

Get up and,

Face first smash,

Into my brick wall.

Trying to make plans

With this cute woman I met

Heart flutters,

Turn and,

Smash into the wall.

A streak of good days

Confidence leading the way,

I can do this. Perhaps I'm okay.

Then I smash into the wall.

Each brick is made of hatred,

Signed with my blood

In my handwriting.

"Kill yourself"

It used to be that wall was 80 feet high,

Towering,

Malevolence personified.

Each brick screaming the same word.

But...

Recently the wall is cracking.

And somehow I can see over the top of it.

Maybe, just maybe,

Some day

This wall will be just stepping stones,

On a new pathway.

Maybe one day I'll get to enjoy something

Without the fear of turning around

And smashing my existence into

That

Fucking

Wall.

#blog #writing #writers #authors #original poem #poem #poets on tumblr #poetic #poems for me #poetry

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

I conducted and recorded fifty interviews today for a city talent show over the course if 7 hours.

I met artists of literally every single genre. From a slam poet, to several dance troups. Every kind of singer and musical act you can think of.

It was so humbling to realize about halfway through that we are all so similar, so scared, so doubtful of ourselves. It was beautiful. Because we interviewed them *after* their performance, and in retrospect I'm so freakin' happy we did so, because we got to catch everyone at their most vulnerable, open, honest, and focused.

I loved it. I love art.

#blog #talent show #talent #interview #art #music #dance #poetry

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Victim

If I pierce your heart

Does it bleed?

Dessicated machine parts,

Rusty and forgotten.

Do you want to suck me dry parasite?

Do you want to break me,

Rend me to a quivering mess of screams?

For your satisfaction alone,

So ultimagtely meaningless, because

You can never be satisfied?

Well, you aren't the first.

You won't be the last.

I am to be used.

Diacarded.

But you're not some brute.

You don't leer with killers eyes.

You're beautiful,,

A sexual divine.

But there's no love in your eyes.

So come,

Use the one you claim uses you,

And then blame me,

When my blood stains your new shoes.

#original poetry #writing poetry #dark poetry #my poetry #writing #writers #poetry #authors #guy feelings #straight guys write sappy romantic poetry too y'know

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

They say that life's a carousel

Spinning fast you gotta ride it well.

The world is full of Kings and Queens,

Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams,

It's heaven and hell. Oh well.

And they'll tell you black is really white,

The moon is just a sun at night,

And when you walk through golden halls,

You'll get to keep the gold that falls.

It's heaven and hell, oh no

Fool, fool,

You got to bleed for the dancer.

Fool, fool,

Look for the answer.

I think these are in my top 3 lyrics ever written, and one of my favorite songs.

The whole thing is just magical, but God that last chunk is instant goosebumps even some 17 years after I first heard it.

#blog #spotify #spotify song of the day #new music #metal #80's metal #Dio #ronnie james dio #black sabbath

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Either the bots on tinder are getting really good, or some guy posing as a woman told me they were a fan of Ursula Le Guin.

Like...damn. What are you doing tonight bot? Or dude? Or whoever was trying to scam me? I'm straight but the way to my heart is most definitely semi-famous/obscure female literary giants of genre fiction.

#ursula le guin #fucking badass women sci-fi writers #fucking tinder bots #tinder #blog #tinder fails

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

It's all fun and games until your reflection does it before you.

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Ultimately this was a failed jam session but I like this bit. Plus it has just the worst thumbnail. I look fat and stoned. Lovely.

#jamming #improv #backing track improv #guitar licks #guitar #guitarist #electric guitar

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Good. I mean I love grimdark in 40k, but I'm so sick anti-hero assholes stuffing fiction. Just look how "being adult" ruined comic books.

Not to say I dislike anti-hero's, that would be dumb. But real heroes seem to always be lame in modern fiction and die because they're too honorable or kind, and what the fuck kind of morality lesson is that? If it happened once in a while that would be different but everyone is so obsessed eith Ned Starking every honorable character now and I haaaaaate it.

apparently i’m a millennial woman

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

There are few things as satisfying, as someone who just started really getting into shape, than your sleeves being tight on your biceps.

Fuck yeah me.

#blog #working out #weight lifting #on my way to the cage #Spotify

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

I love this song because it's a perfect emotional representation song. Feel like you want to start screaming and thrashing and...worse thoughts? Turn this on and just revel in the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

This song has saved me several times just due to the sheer intensity often serving as a catalyst for the emotional release I need. That's why so many love metal in the first place but this song takes that to a whole new level.

#blog #spotify #meshuggah

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

The blog formerly known as The House of Many Colors.

Welcome! Call me DC, this is It Came From Beneath The Blog!!!

This is my author blogspere, place where I blog updates on my work, poems, and just daily stuff.

Originally I titled this whole thing The House of Many Colors because I was uncreative and it was the name of my first poem amd I liked it. But honestly, It Came From Beneath The Blog is so much better. It just has that corny tone I love.

This is a blog for everyone, no exceptions. Though I must put an 18+ NSFW tag on here just to let you know that things can get rather blue in here. Everything is unfiltered, I have trigger warnings on some of my darker work but I want everyone to be up front and know what they're getting into.

Please DM me with thoughts on my work, comments, interests, or if you just want to talk. I would like to establish a connection with more artists and creatives, and just get involved in the greater community of writers and artists in general.

#blog #writing #poetry #writers #authors #new tumblog #new account #new tumblr #new artist #new stuff

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Hie thee hither, that I may pour my spirits in thine ear and chastise with the valour of my tongue, all that impedes thee from the golden round.

#shakespeare #macbeth #lady macbeth #awesome lines from literature #So. much. inuendo.

[itcamefrombeneaththeblog]

Remember folks!

Republicans are red

Democrats are blue

Neither one of them

Give a fuck about you!

Don't vote for parties. Vote for your brothers and sisters.

You are not a political party. You are a person, and you aren't so easily catagorized.

Think for yourself. Question ALL authority.

#blog #politics #anti politics #anti two party system #fuck your division #unity #Spotify