darknessletmego

[darknessletmego]

It’s been a year...

It’s been a year…

Valentine’s Day still makes me feel broken.  Like why does this overpriced nonsense exist?!  I don’t agree with the holiday and what it’s become.  Commercialized.  This holiday invokes the same bitterness that Christmas does.  It’s all about what you can give your lover and not about what you could do for one another.  It’s about dinner, diamonds, roses, and sex, sex, sex!

The people who give out flowers to strangers have a slightly better grasp of what Valentine’s Day COULD be.  Kindness to others.  There is not enough of this in the world.  It becomes rarer with each generation.  Our hearts become green with envy and poison.

There should two sides to this day for everyone.  Romance has its place and so does familial love.  The love of a friend can be irreplaceable too!  But, there should also be a second side…kindness.  Kindness should be included in everything you do. Share a toy.  Help a friend.  Cheer up a stranger with a smile or a flower.  Kindness doesn’t have to cost much.  Just a few seconds of time shared or given could mean the world to someone…

On an unrelated note: my best friend got married and had a baby.  I cannot be happy for her.  I don’t agree to the whole kids thing for a variety of reasons.  Namely the toll it takes on the environment and the toll the environment will inevitably take on them.  I can so easily picture her baby at fifty years old…and being hooked up to an oxygen tank…not because little Nora grew up to be a smoker…but because our air quality is just that bad.  To me, it seems cruel to reproduce.

Also, yeah…as stated above, I still feel broken.  I’m the only AroAce in my friend group.  Most of my friends accept it.  Some claim that I will regret not marrying and having ‘at least one baby’.  Hell, even a former therapist was on me for not wanting kids.  ‘What about your parents’?!

I’m sorry, but my parents have NO say as to what goes into or comes out of my vagina…

#kindness #valentine #valentines day #aroace #asexual #aromantic #environment #oxygen #baby #marriage #sex #commercialization #stupid holiday #vagina

[darknessletmego]

Love Pain...

It’s been even longer than a while…

Work has me doing overtime…

No time for life or hobbies or friends…

Just as well…

Valentine’s Day is a horrible day for me…

Not just as an AroAce…

I once loved someone.  I think that I was in love with the idea of being in love…because it meant I was ‘normal’. I was so closeted as an AroAce…I was the only one I knew and I felt so alone.  I didn’t even know that ‘not straight’ or ‘not gay’ was an option!  I loved the aesthetics of a person but not the person themselves.  I usually found them irritating…

So when I felt a spark of ‘love’ I ran with it…

I got used up like a soiled condom and thrown away on Valentine’s Day.

When I told him, “You didn’t waste your time finding a replacement”.

He said, “You made it easy”.

Apparently love means that I must open my legs and accept a horrific fate or else I’m not worth anything.  I struggle with self-worth quite a lot because I am different.  I am forgettable.  I am replaceable.  I am nothing. Not one in a million but one in two.

I grew up feeling like a burden.  I was told to shut up, keep my head down, don’t stand out or people will hate you.  Well, I did as my father told me, thinking that it was the only way to survive.

I’m now thirty-seven and too afraid to talk to people.

I have a feeling that my lack of backbone and social grace blinded me to abuse and led to my rape.  I am submissive.  I look young for my age.  I curl into myself.  I attract the wrong people.  My stupidity leads me to think that they are friends.  I get traumatized when I learn they are not.  It is not worth surviving if you grow up sheltered and afraid of life. It is a slow, agonizing suicide and one day, I fear that I will sign on to write my note to the world, grab a staple remover, and rip out my veins.

I have nothing, no one, and no reason to live after all…

#trigger warning #suicide #rape #i tried love once it was painful #never again #AroAce #Asexual #Aromantic #Dead inside #completely dead inside #social anxiety #fear of failure #forgetable #replaceable #i am nothing

[darknessletmego]

Sleepless...

I haven’t been on in a while…

I find it hard to post sometimes to write about my pain and my past…

It steals the air from my lungs…

I woke up in the middle of the night to a panic attack, gasping for air.  I couldn’t I couldn’t force my lungs open. Air molecules are TINY and yet I’m here struggling to take any in.  It was like his hand was wrapped tightly around my throat all over again…  Its small wonder why I take sleeping pills at night. I just have to take them early enough so they are out of my system and I don’t fall asleep while driving…

#not sleeping #anxiety attack #not breathing #thought i had covid #seriously woke up to feeling like I was dying #trigger warning #strangulaton #panic attack #not a good way to wake up

[darknessletmego]

Have a hug, have all the hugs 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

You are wonderful and brilliant and deserve the world and not what you’ve gotten

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

Thank you...  I need to hear this sometimes though I seldom ever do...

[darknessletmego]

Sad Self-Portrait...

I accept that I was born asexual, aromantic.  There are driving factors that made me think that I was forced into those identities for years…

My Possible PTSD Causes List:

1.      7-years-old: I was in first grade when a boy grabbed my hand and forced me to rub his penis.

a.       It was gross.  I told my parents and they did nothing about it because I didn’t seem to be affected by it.

2.      11-13-years-old: I would sleep over at my only friend’s house. She wanted to play ‘mommies and daddies’.  So she’d get on top of me and shove her tongue down my throat while fingering my vagina.

a.       I never told a soul…  Why would I want to lose my only friend?!  Well, she later abandoned me so it hardly mattered.  She even spread rumors about me that I was calling another friends’ mother all kinds of horrible things.  I honestly can’t remember if I was or not…

3.      15-years-old: A special needs boy shoved his hands down my shirt and squeezed my breasts.  This was my first day of high school, by the way, what a horrible welcome.

a.       I told the principal.  The boy was suspended but not expelled.  He couldn’t be, not legally.  I used to see him in the hallway and he’d try to talk to me.  His new paraprofessional wouldn’t let him.

4.      20-25-years-old: Forcing myself to want sex.  After a while it began to feel more and more like rape. Like I was the condom that he would tie off and throw away.  It did little to prepare me when I finally told him no and I was actually beaten, raped, and strangled until I blacked out by my ex-fiance.

a.       He was drunk.  I was in denial.  I stayed with him for five-and-a-half mostly miserable years…

5.      32-years-old: I thought I made a new friend!  I did not.  He was 86 years old and he went on and on about how his dick didn’t work properly because of an operation.  His seamen went right into his bladder instead of into a woman.

a.       He walked me to my car and kissed me against my will…

6.      33-years-old: I move to DE but get into a car accident. I took a turn too sharp and wound up in a field.  A man helped me out and offered to fix my car at his place of business.

a.       Then he told me that he had just gotten out of a 10-year long prison sentence under false rape charges…  I never spoke to him or saw him again.

7.      34-years-old: I was horsing around with a friend…  We were on our way to a restaurant with his husband.  I thought that I’d be safe with a gay couple.  I only kind of was because looking back on it; his husband was under the impression that I was their new fuck toy.

a.       My friend grabbed me from behind…  It triggered nightmares, panic attacks, and lots and lots of tears.  We are no longer friends.

How the hell did I forget the ADHD?!

1.      Disorganized.

2.      Forgetful.

3.      Easily distracted.

4.      Lack of self-discipline.

5.      Lack of consistency.

6.      Slow ass reader.

7.      Can’t always retain what I read.

a.       This only pertains to important information, texts that are VERY dry and boring.  If it’s interesting yet not important…I can keep in my brain and easily recall it quite a while.

#adhd issues #ADHD i want to fix #ADHD #ptsd causes #complex ptsd #i am a magnet for trouble #life is messy #life is weird #life is unfair #eat chocolate #hug a cat #listen to your therapist #you are not alone #trigger warning

[darknessletmego]

Haven’t Been Writing...

Sorry.  Crippling depression and self-harm got the better of me.  I am physically alive but emotionally hollow.  I hate that I exist.  I want to just curl up all nice and small and then ‘poof’, disappear forever. I hold on because no one else would be there to care for my elderly parents or my cats or my plants…

Once they all die…there’s nothing to hold me back…

A scary thought, no?

#no new writings #depression #self-harm #physically alive #emotionally hollow #cats #plants #fur and flower babies #i want to die #trigger warning

[darknessletmego]

Lovely...

My father and I get into an argument and he tells me to go kill myself.  Such a kind man...giving me permission to give into an urge that that I’ve been fighting against all my life.

#suicide permission #thanks dad #maybe I should finally make him proud and go through with it

[darknessletmego]

Non-writing Confession...

Confession: I…need a life coach.  I know nothing about paperwork aside from the fact that I hate doing it.  I have no idea how to navigate bureaucracy’s seemingly infinite bullshit.  I pay my bills and that is it.  Sadly, when I entered the world of education, I found that it is not ADHD friendly.  My problem is my hyper focus…

I focus on the boring ass training that I have to do for work or my Spanish language classes and nothing else.  I set my mail aside and ignore it for weeks.  Now that the training is over, I find that the Feds I owe my student loans to have been bought out and now they are under a new name.  Fortunately, that was the only really big surprise I encountered…

No missed bills.

But still, I had about a month’s worth of paperwork and mail to sort through and I have no idea what any of it means and what I need to keep or worry about. I go to my mom for that stuff.  To reiterate, I am thirty-seven.  I need to get my shit together.

I will ask my therapist what she thinks about a life coach and share her thoughts with you.  But for now, I’m going back to writing and Happy Color because the boring is over and so is my rage over why I have to be bored for the sake of learning something that is common fucking sense.

#bills #bureaucracy’s BS #paperwork #finances #adhd #life coach?! #happy color #respect therapists #writing #not a writing confession though #i hate being bored #HATE IT #fuck paperwork #it kills trees #fuck bureaucracy #it kills brain cells #common sense is a luxury apparently

[darknessletmego]

Conflict Flee...

Confession: I run from conflict therefore I am HORRIBLE at writing conflict. If I feel as though I have been rude then I go into a spiraling downward fall of self-loathing and tears.  If that person is my friend, then I feel extremely anxious during the conflict and extremely depressed after it has passed. If the conflict is with one of my parents…I self-harm.

They know I do it too…

My mother worries…

My father claims that he doesn’t care…

I am a wreck.

#self-harm #trigger warning #anxiety #depression #self-loathing #writing confessions #i am a coward

[darknessletmego]

Forgetful and Anxious...

Don’t you hate it when your OCD and your ADHD battle it out and both loose?  I meant to post last night, I swear…and then I started playing games on my new tablet instead.  *Shakes fist*  Damn you Happy Color!

Anyway, I if I don’t post on Wednesday (or Thursday) then I don’t post on Saturday (or Sunday).  This is the first time I posted on Wednesday and then forgot to post on Saturday and I’m freaking out and telling you all about it.  This has been today’s rant.  It was short.  It was (bitter)sweet.  This is what anxiety does to me.  Now I’m going to be berating myself for the next couple of days for not posting on Saturday…

Mental health issues where little things are blown WAY out of proportion are a bitch…

#ocd? #ADHD #happy color #seriously get it #its amazing for anxiety #pointless rant #sorry #still mad at myself #how stupid #mental health issues suck

[darknessletmego]

I’m the Imposter...

Fake it till you make it.

I made it.

I didn’t fake it.

I have NO idea what I’m doing here.  My anxiety makes me feel like an imposter…  It has for the past three years.  I didn’t feel intelligent enough to go to grad school because of my ADHD. I graduated with a 3.1.

During this time I learned two things about myself…

Trauma has negative effects on your cognitive abilities…

Oh yeah, they can drop…SIGNIFICANTLY!

I had issues remembering dates, research results, theories, people who came up with the theories, people who proved or disproved them through research, etc.  My one classmate openly laughed at me for forgetting or getting confused.  I didn’t bother to even try to explain what was wrong with my brain.  He was the biggest sexist pig that I had met in years!  Talking to a wall would have been better…

The other thing I learned is that there is something called the imposter syndrome…where you REALLY feel like you don’t belong because you can’t compare.  You feel like everyone else is more competent, knowledgeable, intelligent, etc.  You don’t belong at work or at school.  It is hard for me to overcome…

I work fulltime in my field but I am older and ‘green’.  There are older people who have been at this job for years.  There are younger people who have more experience.  I feel so incompetent compared to them.  I hope that as I gain more knowledge and insight, this feeling goes away soon…

#ADHD #masters degree #trauma #cognitive drop #how do you remember stuff when it all sounds the same #what is wrong with my brain #it sucks #PTSD screws you so hard #among us reference #hide in the vent

[darknessletmego]

Rebuilding 14...

When the world came to an end…nothing got done.

Companies blamed governments…

Governments blamed other governments…

Military blamed everyone…

Soon citizens were left in the dark…literally and figuratively.

Stumbling around in the dark was Jules’ specialty.

They were often clueless of the world around them even more so after the apocalypse.  There was no real need for adjustment…aside from the horrors of a lack of Internet…

Jules was connected to everyone everywhere at anytime…

They were addicted to roleplaying…kind of like a ‘Round Robin’ but online.

Jules couldn’t help but wonder how his friend in Australia was doing…probably tamed a gigantic mutated radioactive kangaroo by now. It would be like riding a T-Rex but hoppier!

#rebuilding #jules #random thoughts from a not so great mind #roleplaying #round robin #its so addicting #Australia's killer kangaroos #T-Rex #Internet #I would be so sad without the internet #capitalism is evil #government is greedy #military needs hugs...

[darknessletmego]

Action clichés...

BORED!

Holy fucking hell…

There is action.

There are explosions.

There are babes.

There are more clichés than I can shake a fist at…

And they are ALL FROM THE 90’s!  

#1990's #a 2021 movie with 90's shit in it #WHY?! #British but with American 'flare' #explosions #babes #action #yet still dull #how?! #Nothing will ever be original ever again

[darknessletmego]

Biggest Fear...

So my relationship with my father is at best rocky.  Oh, it’s wonderful at times…  I just got a new tablet from him for graduating back in June 2020 since you know; we couldn’t go out to dinner because of Corona.

He has no problem recognizing hard work or saying he’s proud of me, but when it comes to my mental health…

He’s the type of man who has never been depressed or anxious once in his life. Or that’s how he acts at least…  I know when my grandmother (his mother) was dying he was in denial.  Mom thinks that he’s also in denial of how messed up his only child is.

So he would always make it a point to comment on how they couldn’t watch certain things because of me.  If there was a murder series that had a rape in it, I’d have to leave or he’d turn it off because of my ‘sensibilities’.  He acted like I was some man-hating feminist instead of a trauma survivor.

We were never that close even when I was young enough for him to pick up and throw into the ocean.  My biggest fear is that he will pass while our relationship is still not in the best condition.  I don’t want that to happen.  I want him to know that I love him and I do really appreciate him sometimes…  But right now…he makes me want to cry.

#denial #complicated relationship #mental health #rape #trigger warning #trauma survivor #father troubles #please don't die while we're angry at each other #it would kill whats left of my heart #feminist but not man hating #unable to understand that I can't just get over rape #depression #anxiety #ptsd #guilt #shame #unfit daughter

[darknessletmego]

Jules...

Short black hair…

Tan skin, formally pale…freckles on cheeks.

Muscular build…

Short in stature…

Dressed for practicality and androgyny…

Smelly, dirty, violent…

Intelligent, creative, strong…

Survivor…

#jules #a description of #they're not handsome #they're not pretty #they're dangerous #yet kind #intelligent #yet idiotic #survivor of hell #post-apocalyptic #badass

[darknessletmego]

No Panic...

I am going to say something controversial…

Masks and social distancing are the best things that have ever happened to me.

No one tells me to fucking smile.

No one tells me to put on makeup.

No one says, ‘What is THAT?!’

Uh…I’m a genderless person.  What are you, asshole?

No one cares that I’m basically a depressed, androgynous zombie that just crawled out of bed.

Oh, I still get PTSD induced panic attacks…

But not nearly as frequently as I used to…at least until now…

Masks are ‘optional’ but I still wear mine even though I’m fully vaccinated (pending the 3rd shot).

It is nice not having a face, a voice, a body…

I just get to be a wonderfully goofy, funny personality that talks to themselves in public like an escaped mental patient.

#I used to panic DAILY #ptsd is not kind #agender #vaccinated #no corona #pfizer #look i have a personality #comment on that #don't comment on how pretty i could be with makeup or long hair #i hate long hair #I can't do makeup to save my life #my hands shake #I may stab myself in the eye with my mascara brush #depressed zombie

[darknessletmego]

Rebuilding 13...

“Here, have some dumplings.”

“No thanks, I’m not hungry…  I’m nauseous. I think it’s my anxiety…”

“Why do you do that to yourself?”

“I can’t help it.”

He scoffed…

And that was Jules’ relationship with their dad in a nutshell…complicated.

One person felt too much…

The other felt too little…

#rebuilding #jules is emotional #dad is not #anxiety #sickness #nausea #dumplings though #complicated relationship #they still love each other #don't dismiss the feelings of others #It makes them feel small #insignificant #unloved #spoken from experience