It’s getting worse.
I’ve noticed it, always wanting to sleep. Hoping that I’ll never wake back up.
I don’t wanna eat no more, I force myself but I just... don’t want it anymore.
I noticed my hair is starting to grey, not at the ￼ roots but like full stands of hair turning silver. I feel like it’s thinning as well. Is this from the stress, the worry, and the heartbreak that you cause me? Is it a sign that maybe my heartstrings are finally breaking?
Hearing your voice still fills me with joy and helps my anxiety but now it’s starting to make me cry. Knowing that it’s different towards me now.
When people say love it feels so empty. I feel so empty.
I try to pretend that I’m still the same but to be honest I don’t feel anymore.
My passion to sing is dying out, I’ve already lost all the will to draw. There was this big piece I was working on. It was you and me and in the middle was us as chibis on various dates... it’s never gonna be finished.
You tell me you never fell in love with me, yet your eyes said different. Then you say well sometimes... sometimes... that word for some reason is worse then daggers. Piercing into my soul.
If this is how real love feels, I don’t want it anymore. I wanna be heartless. Bring me the tin man so I can hand him my heart.
So today I’m 4 days late of my period... yes I have a histtof 3 miscarriages and if Im pregnant again I have a high chance of a repetitive miscarriage... the thing is.... he doesn’t approach me... because number one he already said to me that we have to do the withdrawal method... but I dont want to.. basically i just want to have our own baby since Im turning 35 this year..... im really rushing to become a mom.... since we have a time bounded frame for us to bear a child.....
Yah I know his mad at me because I always insist what I want....
Because if I don’t do that notthing will happen to our future... I’m really aick and tired of the relationship.. Im really felt forgranted... ignored.... and unloved we’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend 16 years now.. and still like this...
He’s mad at me because if i have to miscarry again we don’t have money to go to the hospital....
I just want to be dead....... sorry but I’m really having suicidal thoughts every fucking aingle day since I had a miscarriage last 2016. 2017, 2019 and possible by june 2021 this year..
I just wish we haven’t met.... I just wish she found another girl that can bear a child normally... I just want him to be happy with other woman.... the pain that I feel everyday with him is very heavy.... ignored and not prioritized.... always answers a problem with a problem....
It really hurts a lot..... to feel that you’ve been ignornored by the one you loved the most....
I want to be with my family who already migrated in the states.. I want to be with them... I don’t want to be alone...
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My pride was following me
I dragged it along by its neck like an unloved dog
Had it known I was planning on going back to you, it would have feverishly clawed and scratched its way free
Hung itself before being starved into extinction
The red rope burns remind me of choke prints
It limped behind with unyielding admiration in its eyes
scraggily and wet it stank of an old conscience
I'm not sure whose, but I could barely stand it!
What if I held Pride under the water until it drowned
At least I wouldn't have to stare at it--small, whimpering, hungry, and abused.
When did it become a burden? A hinderance? A sentry blocking my path back to you.
@nosebleedclub‘s Poetry Month Challenge: extinction
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To the one who gets to love my Twin flame
I hate you, before you everything was amazing and I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. The moment you walked into his life, I lost the best part of me. I hate you for it, yet I know I can’t blame you completely. For my love was at fault too, maybe I’m just as worthless as I always thought.
I have loved him for so long, I have gone through storm after storm just to see him shine. In the end I ended up being nothing to him. Well not the one who his heart could love so dear. I have learned what makes his heart sway, I know all his favorite things... Even to this day.
He’s amazing, funny, silly, and caring. He is everything I had dreamed of he was and will always be my person.
However like a gust of wind: a waking dream Love, like life, ever so full of mysteries (Love is life’s deepest mysteries) You’re heart, what has bewitched it so? Your outline fades into the dark night. Look at the peach blossoms, what fruits will it bear? I watch you embrace me with eyes lonely like the moonlight (with eyes lonelier then the moonlight) It’s time to let you seek happiness in the arms of another. Loving you has become intangible like a heartbeat. I’m unable to construct your skeleton as I paint you. To remember your expression is my stubborn way of waiting for you, You are my endless song.
With these words I know what must be done.
He is fragile when it comes to things, his heart grows dark and heavy. He’ll try to push you away but don’t let him. Hold him close to your heart, lightly run your fingers through his hair. Just don’t tuck his hair behind his ear he hates that. Don’t mess with the spikes find the spot behind the ear and rub down to the nape of his neck. It will calm him.
He loves to talk about Paint ball, the way his eyes light up and gleam, if you look close enough you can see the sea in his eyes. Watch the waves crashing with a stormy sky. I was gonna come and take him to play it... I never got the chance.
He can go on and on about Commanders from Star Wars our love for it shined so bright during our time. It is our thing. He can tell you almost all the stories about stormtroppers and when he does he gets a little glee in his voice. You’ll watch his hands fiddle around as he talks about things he’s passionate about. It’s one of my favorite things.
He loves food....He love brownies and cookies. He even like’s weird foods. If you wanna make him smile you just need to make his favorite. Grill some bread and add in peanut butter and a fried banana and add sugar on top. To make it extra fancy mix sugar with cinnamon (Something I couldn’t do for him cause I’m allergic) If you order him anything from Tim Hortons order him an everything bagel with cream cheese. He likes green iced tea. His favorite juice is grape but you have to find the right one. He also loves pink lemonade the best. His favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip (the green ice cream). He loves to melt peanut butter on top of his ice cream as well, just don’t add caramel he doesn’t like that on his ice cream. He loves pineapple soda . He loves finding new places to eat and try. It’s an adventure that can make your heart fly even on a rainy day.
He loves video games, spending time on cold days playing games. Just don’t talk during the cut scenes it drives him crazy.
He doesn’t like the rain, spring is the number one time of the year he hates followed by winter, then to fall, and summer is his favorite as far as weather goes. His favorite time of the year is winter, because of the lights and the holidays. Christmas is his top favorite.
When he finds things he’s passionate about, it will take your breath away listening to him go on about it. Watching the smile take up most of his face, his eyes. Oh his eyes, when I first meet him they held the loneliest look I had ever seen. The pain and hurt that he has gone through had consumed them. I had watched life fill those eyes and leave them many times. Watched a storm brew through them. I loved staring up at him when he didn’t notice watching the deep grey of his eyes turn into a diamond blue, shifting like the waves crashing upon the shore. The twinkle in his eyes growing even more, when he would look down and notice me, his eyes would shift to an ocean blue. Ever so loving.
He makes a ton of jokes, don’t be to weary. You can make him crack up with making a silly fart noise. He loves those, we can go on and on being quiet and just making them back and forth. He loves watching comedians, his favorite is Tom Segura. He’ll probably have you watch him, he enjoys dark humor as well. The more fucked up the funnier it is. His laugh is contagious, it’s my favorite sound.
He can be very quiet, it’s something I love and worry about sometimes. At the same time I find it cute. He get anxiety going outside. Scared that people are gonna talk bad about him. Remind him they won’t with compliments. I would compliment him everyday. Because to me he is perfect. I love the way he smiles and how he gets these little dimples in the corner of his mouth. I love the way his eyes look when light hits them just right. I love his nose. I love his little goatee. I love the way his body is, yet I’ll always support his wanting to be more bulked then lean. I love the way he talks with his hands. I love his hair and how much he cares. Most of all I love his soul.
He loves to drink, his favorite is wine. He loves to drink IPA cause he loves the hoppie taste. He doesn’t like dark beers and prefers them light. He’s really good at ordering drinks he thinks you might like.
He loves documentaries, learning new things about stuff excites him. He knows so much about war, he can literally go on and on about it.
He love animals, dogs are his top favorite. However any animal he sees he gets happy about.
He loves camping. Going out by the lake sitting all alone listening to the nature around him. Sometimes he’ll put on music as he sits and drinks feeling at peace. I wanted to go camping with him so much, taking him for a few nights to lay under the stars together. Show him how a country girl fishes, living in the moment with no phones. Sometimes I still remember how we described how perfect that date would go.
To be honest there are a million things I could tell you, but I can’t with out dying on the inside. Cause of all the things I wanted to do for him. All the promises we made each other are now useless. I promised him I wouldn’t leave his side, yet I can’t bare to see someone I had loved so much with another. Treat him with the love and care that he deserves. You will have hard times, but the way he smiles is always worth it. Watching his eyes grow warm and his lips lift showing his double tooth. It can warm your heart when you feel like all is lost. His voice so soft and sweet can calm even the most harsh anxieties.
Don’t hurt him like everyone else. That’s all I can ask.
Sincerly the girl who loves, will always love, always miss, and always need her most favorite person.
We got into an argument again. I found out you were lying.
I knew you were but I was waiting for you to be honest with me.
You went and saw her and was planning to go again. I told you, to choose if you went to see her I was gone. You chose to stay with me. Yet the painful cry you made, caused me to bleed.
The blade slashed through my skin as I cried out wanting it to end. You picked up your knife and sliced away at your arm just the same. Cutting deeper and digging out skin. My cuts were deep and right over the vein, hoping it would pierce and let it all end.
If you are willing to cut yourself because I told you I don’t want to be with you if she’s around, why would you continue to let her in?
The moment I saw her I knew this would happen and you let it happen. You apologize and act like you can change it but you won’t. How many more lies will I be told?
I stupidly believe you when you say she’s just a friend, “I don’t like her like that. I have no feelings for her. I’m never gonna date her.” Is this so you can keep me there by your side living every day just the same?
I just wanna die, I’m already dying on the inside. Yet my love for you keeps me going.