#would be too much. i would have a dull life. not because im lonely but because i would be bored

[ofsunhillow]

im like narcissus but a girl

#i feel like im deeply and irreversively self centered. not that im a bad person. but that i just dont connect and dont want to #everything i think revolves around me what i am doing what i would say how i would react how i would move #and i repeat my own scene 100 times #i can spend hours looking at myself in the mirror but i dont #as if to stop myself from being so self centered. and i get in the shower and think about #hypothetical scenarios where i am talking to someone and i am saying things about me #i feel like an outside observer of people #if i didnt get pushed into social circles i could spend my entire life alone #i dont miss people. when i do what i miss is the entertainment i got from being with them #when i love someone i cant tell if its real or if im making myself believe i love them because accepting that i cant form attachments #would be too much. i would have a dull life. not because im lonely but because i would be bored #but am i thinking this because i actually feel this way. am i actually unable to get attached to people #or have i just convinced myself of that as some sort of weird repression #and thinking about this feels like a loop it feels like i will never get out of this way of thinking. because im just #thinking about how i think about how i think about how i think #and im not sure what it is exactly thats making me hate this #is it because i feel broken and deep inside i want connection? is that a desire i have #or do i hate it because i feel i am missing out on the human experience. i am very very afraid of missing out

[autumnbaguette]

Tokyo, 12.22 am.

"Mam, you haven't sleep in two days now. You seems restless since we arrived in Tokyo."

You look at your assistant, well groomed middle aged man, crisp black suit, the only person trusted by the elder to 'accompany' you while being stationed overseas.

"Is that so? Well, I guess i will take a rest for a bit then. The reports can wait yes?". You stand up and walk out from your office. Your assistant follow right away.

Here you are. In the living room that have this big window looking out the Tokyo city skyline. The shimmering lights of the city under, pretty yet somehow so distant and lonely, reminding you of someone you used to know.

"I'll sleep for a few hours and continue with the reports. You can leave your post and take a rest too."

"Thank you Mam. But please take this." He hand you several pills. "You can't sleep without these. I will report to the elders that you take the medicine regurlary."

A bitter pang hit your chest. Damn those elders. Whose fault is that anyway. You take the pills and swallow it.

"Thank you, you are dismissed."

With that, your assistant leave the penthouse. It is quiet now. Eeriely quiet. So you went to the bedroom, walking towards the closet. Changing your clothes into a white shirt thats too big for you. It looks a bit worn out but it will do. You lay on the bed, not even bother to open the bed cover. Again, those night skyline caught your attention. You can't help but wondering Where is he now?

As you about to close your eyes, you sense a presence. A familiar one and you know exactly who it is.

"Yami yori idete yami yori kuroku, sono kegare o misogiharae." You chant the barrier without even bother to open your eyes.

"I see that you're still wearing my shirt as pajamas. Old habit die hard really."

That voice, that damn voice. Sounds so laid back as if nothing bad ever happens. The last time you see him was after the confrontation in shibuya. He doesn't even say good bye, or sorry at least. The fact that everything went downhill afterwards, your relationship with Gojo getting colder and distant as the time passed by. It is a well known fact that You and Gojo somehow blame each other for the downfall of Geto Suguru.

"What do you want, Suguru?" You asked him, again doesn't even bother to open your eyes. Is it the fact that you are so sleepy because of the pills or the fact that you can't trust yourself about all the things that you gonna do to him if you open your eyes. Kill him? Maybe not. But begging him one last time to go back to you seems much more reasonable now.

The bed dipped and he sat beside you. Suguru study your face. Eyes closed, your lashes is a bit damp. Darker eyebags. And he notice your hair. Its different colour now. As pretty as always he thought. His finger caress your cheek, you fluttered your eyes open and meet with his dull grey eyes.

None of you or Suguru said anything. As if both of you really understand each other. Or maybe you just want to kill the time. Maybe if you stay silent without asking any question, he will stay longer.

"Shall I kill the elders? They overworked you a lot." His hand wander to your hair, stroking it gently. You can't help but smile and chuckle a little bit. "That would be great, but no Suguru."

"Or maybe you can just quit? Buy a land in rural area, raise some chickens and ducks. Plants lots of flowers and fruit trees.  Remember that? Have a simple life."

It is strange that after what happened, after all these years, here you are with Suguru, having a small talk like some kind of married couple do at the end of their day. No hatred, no baggage whatsoever.

Indeed you want it, a simple life with him.

Tracing his face with your finger. Almost no differences since the last time you saw him. A little bit freckles here and there. Those small lines at the end of his eyes. No eyebags though. His hair is still the same, the earings, his smile.  

"Im sorry." You said. "I should've known." This time your finger cares his cheek, "Can you just go back? I will do my best explaining everything to the elders, to Satoru. Im sure he will listen, you are still his bestfriend afte-."

"No." Suguru cut you off. His tone is cold, distant.

"Nothing will ever change my ideology, my plan and my future. I love you, i still do. But it doesnt put you at the top of my list. You should be aware of it by now."

Indeed, this is Suguru. The real one. Everyone sees him as the emphathetic, the calm and the good ones compare to Satoru. Yet, this side of him never really caught their eyes. How determine he is once he set his goal, nothing gonna stop him. Not even you, not even his family, not even his bestfriend Gojo Satoru.

It would be a lie to say his words doesn't hurt you. It hurt a lot, you want to cry. Screaming at him but here you are, looking at him. Still caressing his face gently, afraid that if you do it harder He's gonna fall apart like a fine china. Crumbling into pieces.

So, it's okay.

It's gonna be okay.

"I know, but i still wanna take my chances." you said while smilling, trying hard to stay awake since the pills starting to get you sleepier than before.

He doesn't say anything. Suguru watch your face as the sleep starts to take over. His hands keep stroking your cheeks gently. To be honest, he kinda expect you to get hostile with him. Maybe curse him a little bit when he appear, or maybe you will cast a curse spell to hurt him. But you did none of it, somehow he feels relieve but sad at the same time.

Your breathing becomes steady, thats a cue for Suguru to take his leave. One final look at you, "I'm sorry. I promised to make you the happiest yet somehow I always ended up hurting you the most."

He kiss your forehead, correcting your sleep position and pull the blanket over you. Still adoring your face for one last time, "Good night my love. Until we meet again."

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #geto suguru #geto suguru x reader #jujutsu kaisen #angst #jujutsu geto #jjk spoilers #jjk x reader

[spacecatsocblog]

Concept for one of the main characters of Space Cats, Psyche!

Psyche is actually the first character I ever made for this story back in the 6th grade... around 8 years ago (omg I cant believe this story is almost 9 yrs old...)

info on Psyche (this is long im very sorry):

He is a jaded 35 yr old fighter pilot for the Felis Military, he does his job because he has to, as he signed his life way at 18 to become a soldier.

Psyche is smart and has figured out how shit and secretive the government is, but he has accepted that there is nothing he can do about it. He is pretty much always grumpy, he doesn't like to talk much, and he's short with most people.

However he is actually an amazing pilot and fighter, he's sure to rise in the ranks, as long as he doesn't lose his temper too much and reveal his distaste for the government.

...

Almost all soldiers in the Felis Military are assigned a partner during training in the academy. If a cat has family in the academy at the time, they are almost always partnered with them. Psyche very much so knew this when he joined, as he and his (adopted) brother Clvic joined the military together so they could be eachother's copilots.

Psyche doesn't like to talk about Clvic anymore... his brother is gone, and he's gotten in enough trouble for questioning his death. He refuses to believe the government is telling the truth, but as he knows, there's nothing he can do about it.

For the longest time Psyche was a rare lone pilot, refusing to be assigned another copilot. The government only allowed it because Psyche was one of their best pilots in the force, they warned him however that eventually he would be assigned a new pilot.

When that day came Psyche was assigned Tygam, a cat who had lost his hind legs in battle and had to let his copilot be reassigned while he recovered. Psyche was absolutely pissed about this whole situation, especially since Tygam is a talkative, cocky, idiot (Psyche's words).

However they actually become a great duo, Tygam gets Psyche out of his shell, and Psyche gets Tygam to stop and think before he flings himself at danger and looses another limb.

...

Other fact that I didn't fit in above, Psyche is bi and poly, he is mates with a molly named Silo who is slightly insane and a high end weapons designer (i love her).

Psyche also eventually becomes mates with Tygam as well and the three of them raise Tygam's orphaned niece as their child! In prev versions of this story Psyche and Silo also have kittens but in not sure if I will keep that this time around... idk 🤷‍♂️

...

Extra facts about prev versions of Psyche:

In the 6th grade when he was first created he was originally named Cycodelic Space Cat (yes spelled that way) and he was pink bec I had one pack of gell pens and they were all bright colors.

I am glad i made him tho bec his story has come so far, and if I hadn't made him pink the space cat species would look so boring.

Psyche was also a happy spunky guy when I first made him but now he's all sad and traumatized :p makes him more interesting hehe

Also in the first versions the government was chill and they were fighting space dogs, (I was a big fan of the Cats vs Dogs movie) but now the government sucks and the plot is about rebellion yay!

...

[Image 1 ID: a digital drawing of Psyche, a alien cat oc. He is standing with his right side showing and his right paw raised. He has a tired, unimpressed expression on his face. He is a a slender long furred mostly white cat with pink patches of fur and green eyes. The patches of pink, are on the top of his head, covering his ears and forehead, and going down between his eyes, pink also lines his under eye. There is another large patch of pink on his flank and covering his tail. He has scars on his flank and the bridge of his nose, and they, along with his nose and ears are bright green. He is also wearing a dull green collar with a red plus symbol in a circle, a grey star and a grey bar on it./End ID]

[Image 2 ID: a drawing the same as the previous one, but this time Psyche is wearing a bulky/puffy dull green jacket with red accents. The jacket has large bulky sleeves and a large collar, the cuffs of the jacket, the zipper, and the edge of the collar are all bright red. The jacket also has darker green thick vertical stripes, one on the sleeve and two on the back. There us also a large red circular patch with a darker red plus on the shoulder of the jacket./End ID]

#Cryptidclaw’sSpaceCats #space cats #Psyche #ocs #cat ocs #my ocs #cats #digital drawing #my art #original character #original story #character design #warriors

[cyanlastride]

can i tell you a story? for my own good, not yours. you have no obligation to listen.

im warning you now, its an unpleasant one.

the summer before grade 10, i made the best choice of my life. i was feeling a bit lonely, and inspired by my dad to try playing D&D. finding myself lacking real-life friends -- it was the summer, you see, the most barren and socially isolating time of the year, beating even christmas break -- i took to Roll20, an online forum where people meet and start TTRPG groups, dnd5e being chief among them. now, i grew up very closely to the internet. club penguin, nexuiz/xonotic, planeshift, i grew up socializing with people online quite often. but internet forums, even as dull as reddit, werent really my thing. hell, i only got this tumblr account recently. so, making the spur of the moment decision to make a roll20 account and reply to an LFG for new players was really quite a leap for me. a complete shot in the dark.

but it paid off. we had a bit of a rocky start after our first GM ran off never to be seen again, but one of the players stepped up to be our new GM and we played almost every week for almost a year and a half. i forged a strong bond with both the players and the characters -- at the time, i didnt really distinguish between the two. we had some close calls, a lot of near misses, and my character even died once. our party had two paladins, and i was one of them, so resurrection wasnt too big of a deal. eventually, though, we bite off more than we could chew, and land in some pretty hot water. specifically, an underground church full of rats. how we ended up there and the mighty battle that took place are wonderful and thrilling stories for another day. we had to stop the session mid-battle, i dont remember why, but we picked it up the week after. when we came back, we were prepared to fight to the last. if either myself or the other paladin survived, we could resurrect the party with the diamonds on the iron band i had forged around my wrist. if any of the other party members survived, they could bring the bodies up to the surface and get help. we just had to win the fight.

now, being a new player playing pretty much a pre-gen'd paladin, i went the standard plate armour plus sword and board. this made my AC suuuper high, enough that enemies could only really hit me on a roll of 18+. also, if they rolled a nat 20 against me, i had a magic shield that would absorb some of the blow and actually heal myself and my allies for a couple turns. so the only way they can actually hurt me reliably is if they rolled 18 or 19. i was facing off against some random rogue that i didnt know and didnt care to know. if i landed one solid hit on this lady, i could smite her into oblivion. she was a goon, basically.

a goon that rolled three 19s in a row.

a goon that killed me, and any chance i had of saving my friends.

rolling an 18 or a 19 on a 20 sided die is 1/10. rolling three in a row is (1/10)^3, or 1/1000. one in a thousand. that sounds small, right?

fate and chance make mockeries of our lives more often than anyone cares to admit.

we kept playing after that, made new characters, but the loss was real. that probably sounds stupid, especially to people that have had real people close to them die, but to me, my closest friends of the past year were gone because of a stupid chance.

ive taken small risks more seriously since then. i dont drive, and i stare drivers in the eye when i cross the street. im not scared of dying, but i want to see it coming.

when covid started, i spent a lot of time staring death in the face.

not my own death. i was/am unlikely to die from covid. i barely even go outside enough to be at risk of catching a cold. im young, and im healthy.

my parents are older, and less healthy. my mom is a highschool teacher.

ive spent the last 4 years thinking every so often about what i would do if they died. ive treated it as a real possibility that something could happen to them. ive been mentally preparing myself. even now that we're mostly out of the covid danger zone, that preparation remains.

i never considered what might happen if only one of them fell ill. when my dad messaged me that my mom was going into emergency surgery, i could handle that. when my mom was moved into the ICU, i was glad. she is getting the care she needs from experts and professionals, and shes doing okay.

when we get the call that my dad's father, who lives in a resthome in another city, hasnt been seen in two days and that the ambulance just drove away without loading anyone in the back, i can handle that. to be honest i really didnt know my pappa that well.

when my dad, my stoic old dad, breaks into tears after starting the sentence "they can't both die..."

thats harder.

one in a thousand.

its not as small as you think it is.

thank you for listening. my mom, my dad, myself, we're going to be okay.

[effyoudumbler]

Notes from when I was going insane, 4.12

[Redacted] 

I get so fucking angry when people deviate from the model

I feel so sad

I am quite passionate about it

Unappreciated

But at least I followed my dreams

Instead of the waste other promise me

Instead of nothing

Yes

Nothing 

at all

[Redacted] 

And all of these things make me sad

[Redacted] 

And be sadder still

In fact

Everything makes me sad

I only feel happiness around things I dont understand

Why

Because I am lonely

And happiness is believing in someone else

Surrounded by something I do not understand

I have this Hope, a Belief

Because I see things with logic

That it has a Purpose, a Use, a Way

And I am undaunted

So long as I do not entirely understand it

I will believe, that there IS a way

And that makes me happy

If I wasnt so lonely

I wouldnt need to rely on confusion

Or if I was much stupider, if be forced to rely on others

Oh gross

I have autism

I hate others company, sigh

It isnt like anyone will change

Still awful as ever

[Redacted] 

I am so bored

I already understand it

So i try to tackle it a new way

Be better more efficient more long lasting

Use new techniques and change everything

And thats alot of effort to be honest

But I enjoy that

It makes me happy

I have passion about it

And it makes me sad

And angry

But these are good emotions

Not bad

Bad things, get worse

Anger and sadness do not get worse

[Redacted] 

I just wish, I was dumber

Yeah

So I would understand, much less

And so

I would be happy

Because of the mystery of it all

Id learn new things

All the time right

Id apply new things

I wish

That I was not only dumber

But less efficient and multifaceted

I use too much, and them too little

I should use one, and go All-In

And sure

It is stupid

But stupid makes me happy

And if i dont have confidence

I am ultimately useless

…

Im still alone, though

[Redacted] 

[Redacted] 

Be stupider

More all in

More commited to a single strategy

That will obviously horribly backfire

But

I will be happy

And i know its all a facade anyway

Everyones an idiot

Im certain of it now

Incompetant at nearly everything

Relative to me

[Redacted] 

Because they think its not urgent

And so do not care

Thatll be the story of my life

Till my last breath

What a dull tale

[Redacted] 

[rsvppitkincounty]

vol. 2

I think I would be okay

if someone

just caressed me for one night

I think I would scream and wait

once they left

and was alone again.

but I would have that

one night

and I think it would be okay,

and then id beg for one more

I wish that night were tonight.

I wish I could choose tonight

for you to show up

flowers in hand and love on the mind.

I wish I closed this laptop

and turned to kiss you sweet.

and you'd smile and speak just as sweet.

I wish I could call you or text you

and be reminded of love.

that im loved

that you love me

that you want and wish to talk to me, too

I wish I had someone

even a friend

I have some arbitrary concept of love,

its weird but

I think

that im worthy

that im something

that im someone

that others want to hod and cherish

and get to know

to the core.

I want that of strangers.

Im frail in that way

I need total devotion

but not total suffocation.

I don't think what I want

and always wanted

growing up

is possible.

or should be possible.

if it happens its with two broken birds

who's wings come together to

drift down the skyscraper

as they hold on to each other tight.

and have half as hard fall

thank they were alone

with one wing

spinning in circles.

saying it that way makes me not want it

'im better than that'

'id rather wait for the right one'

but im weak mother terressa

and my body wants to be held

or to get a text back

im desperate

call me a sad excuse

I wish someone would let me lay on them.

call me what I am

a sad excuse.

I rather feel my own pity

than accept my love is wrong

it feels so much worse

like im closing a gate to a heaven

that ill never get to

that will never be a possibility for me

because no one could ever love me that much

cause its not possible to love to someone else

the way I was taught to love.

so no I don't want that love,

I suppose im not ready for love

all I can do is prepare myself

and build armor

cause no one really cares about me

in the way my soul craves

and no one should

cause that's their soul not mine

I grive not finding love.

but ive never heard a real heart break

ive just head mine groan and creek

from being empty, old, and deprived

deprived by the universe mind you.

cause I won't be the one to fuck myself up,

not without anyone else's help.

I need to be led into the dark room

I need someone to take my panties off

with care and kisses.

I want real intimacy

I wish ive never been granted

and im scared never will be

It makes me sad

not quite suicidal, just yet

but it makes me

just sad

gloomy, and dull

silence except my keyboard

and my friends fucking next door.

It fucking hurts me man

I wish there was something I could do

But itself down to time

and all I can do is

think happy thoughts

move on and up in my life

and try not to cry

all the sorrow and loneliness out

every night.

It seems easy some night

when I do everything to ignore it.

I know im not ready

but I wish I was

I wish I could attract my perfect match

one who wants to want me

one who needs to need me

because there isn't any other choice.

im me and theyre them

and we can't forget each others names

or faces up close

we want to see the best in each other

and they want to caress me

on my birthday eve

tonight

on this lovely lonely night

[zombabiee]

11:39pm

im realizing im a sad bitter lonely person.

I love getting attention at work but ik it doesn’t mean shit. Im just a girl to be toyed with for a few mins, n i’ll play along when i want

To some i am the most beautiful girl they have ever seen. Some of these men are ugly and insecure. Probably haven’t had a decent conversation with a woman either and are stuck in a loveless marriage.

To others im a reminder of their youth n how the years have passed them by. I feel like im seen as the line between a “lover and a friend” when i say lover i dont mean it in a way im actually involving myself with these older men, i mean it in how they might see me. As if i gave them a chance, cuz i know they can say its more than just lust n claim its some deep form connection/bond or whatever the fuck. But have your mid-Life crisis dumped onto me? No thanks. But I’ll hear your struggles and validate your pain, just don’t ever exploit me. Since my area is so ghetto n I’ve been told im not, of course im perceived as different in their eyes n i feel like thats one of the reasons they like that about me. Of course other than im just a pretty girl who likes talking when she can.

N to the few who seem actually interested in me? I feel sorry for them because I can’t reciprocate their feelings. I must have high standards or something because in my mind i would be telling myself that im settling. I dont think its wrong to be this way but sometimes i think it might. They’re these two guys who im chill with but I just think their personality and humor is a bit to dull for me. But I relate to them because ik they’re just as insecure as me n want what i want. To be desired and loved. I almost feel like im more insecure than them. N I think at this point it makes me self absorb because its like why are you trying to make this a competition? All i know is I don’t want to mess with their feelings by talking to them too much. Because that happened to me n it took a blow to my self esteem and self worth.

What i want in a guy is somebody like him, hes funny, tall, brown, outgoing he works drives n knows how to keep talking 2 me! He genuinely makes me so shy n awkward and it sucks because I think thats the new thing I discovered about myself. I come off as so boring and uninteresting when i actually like a guy because im afraid they wont like me. So i hide behind a wall because I actually like them. As of rn he hanged out with his “ex” (shouldn’t even call her that at this point) and it made me sad. It makes me remember that im behind and inexperienced. I feel like thats why total nerds like those two like me because i give off those vibes. That im a total virgin like them. I don’t want to pity them because I wouldn’t want them to know that i feel sorry for them. Its just better for them to not know because it feels shitty to know someone gave you attention because they felt sorry for you. N I don’t want to be like that.

It made me mad to see them together. as of late its been making me jealous even to see couples on my feed. Going out on late night drives, spending time with each other,… but Eating out? not so much. This is an evil thought but I genuinely do think its sweet its just my competitiveness talking. This one couple always eat out n post about it all the time. She recently posted a Halloween pic of themselves and you could tell they visibly got chunkier 2gether, I genuinely think its so sweet I really do but i just couldn’t help but think that i was able to loose sm weight already and it made me even worry about getting with someone because they’ll make me gain it all back. It feels shitty ngl because the thought alone helped me feel better that i don’t have a boyfriend like everybody else. That everyone in my mind is going to get fat and im just going to be this ‘beautifully tragic slim girl that no boy she wants will want her back but how can that be if she’s so pretty and went through sm change?’ I fantasize about myself soo much. Sooo much. I need to loose another 10 pounds ill be happier. I need to loose the weight to spite the guys who didn’t want me, to make the girls ask how i did it, to impress and show off on everyone. I want my thick little thighs and skinny little waist to walk around people ive known to make them think about me to oggle me to congratulate me. To ask about me to talk to me. I feel like every other thing about myself is shitty and useless so i just feel like i have absolutely nothing to offer other than what i think is beautiful n i so desperately want to be seen that way and I have been wanting that for years.

This year was the worst for my self image and worth and ive chosen really bad ways to cope with those feelings but at least I’ll know they pay off will be what I finally been wanting

[unknowndiamond123]

i’m not quite sure why i just feel so sad and empty at the end of the day, most days. 

i feel like i have nothing going for me. i feel naggy at my husband bc he plays so much, and i want his attention, but it’s not like he does not play games and he hangs out for a bit. but then he goes back to them and he’s like “but babe i did spend some time off, i took off a lot to be with you.” yeah like one and a half hours, while the rest of your day has been playing video games. and it seems to be like this all the freaking time. and he gets so angry too when he plays and he yells and screams and it startles me and it makes me mad, which makes me not want to hang out with him in the game room. i just feel like i’m needy and i don’t know how to change our life. i want him to quit playing games all together. i want to feel not second best to his stupid games and his stupid online friends.

there’s also this stupid healthy habits diet i’m trying out because of my friend because she’s a health coach, and i thought i could try it bc i’m so tired of looking in the mirror and hating myself for my body and for the way i look. i’m trying to hard to follow this diet and it seems like nothing is working for me. all the while my health coach is loosing 6 lbs already in 11 days while i feel like i’m following all my fueling times, measuring how much i eat, drinks a ton of water, and feel like i can’t get anything to loose at all. and i’m so sick of seeing her post about all the good encouraging things she’s going through because of course her life seems so perfect. she’s happy with how she looks, she loves her job that she’s passionate about, she’s encouraging other’s and it just seems like nothing is going wrong in her life.

i just feel lonely and i miss my friends and i hate making new friends. i hate change. i want to live the life i had before i came to florida. somehow i seemed way happier then.

i feel like my life is so dull and there’s nothing to live for. i have a decent job but it’s nothing i’m head over heels for, and i can’t find anything that i totally love doing. i don’t have any hobbies that i enjoy doing. i feel like if i want to do something i want to be the best at it because i know in reality there’s nothing im good at when there’s billions of people who can be way better at it than me.

i want to travel. i think i would want to take pictures. of people, of animals, of landscapes. just cool things that i get to see with my own two eyes and share with other’s. but i know that i’m not the first one to come up with that revelations and there’s literally millions of photographers all doing the same thing. so why bother follow that dream where there’s one and a billion other people doing it too.

and of course there’s my stupid friendship problem. i dont know if it’s just me or the others but i feel like ever since my wedding, all my friendships have just gone down hill. 3 of my bridesmaids had a total fall out with me all because of stupid drama caused by my sister-in-law, and i barely talk to them now and i have all these photos and memories with them and remember wow what a fun time that was, wow what a shitty time it was after my wedding. and now i have another friend who feels like i’ve been cold towards her and just because of maybe a little misunderstanding she now feel uncomfortable around me and doesn’t want to even have lunch with me because the whole situation just stresses her out and she doesn’t want to cause her baby to be born early or something and cause extra stress on her. that’s such bullshit. everything is bullshit. this fucking laptop i’m typing on is complete bullshit because more than half the keys on this thing is sticky because of my own idiocy and spilling hot chocolate on it.

everything is just the absolute worst and i just want to kill myself sometimes. i hate feeling like my life is nothing but boring and every day is groundhog’s day.

same old routine. trying to change but nothing budging. seeing my friends have a way better, way happier life than i am at the moment. i just want everything to end. i’m so sick of living my life. it’s boring. it’s useless. i hate my life.

#i want to kill myself #i'm so tired of living #depressed #ranting #can god just strike me down now and get me out of living this hell of a life??? #all of this ranting is for nothing and i'll probably feel a little better by morning... hopefully

[scentofgenocide]

At the end of March I faced a department full of people who knew my name and face, my nuanced research about the dead and the remembered, panicking that I sounded frazzled , worried about D and his daughter, as he creeped up the stairs and went missing for most of the panels until mine. He came to mine though, and he said some very kind things. That meant a lot to me.

But that’s not why we’re here.

At the end of March, notes clutched in my hand, dressed in boots and a blazer I had dug out from my closet, I creeped out of my shitty house on Long Island that i hated, a too-large loft bedroom with no sun but a dirty skylight, my Chinese landlady hovering. I hated it there, uncomfortably large upstairs and cramped and gross in the downstairs, but I tried to make my best of it, I tried to do my walks and explorations, and it all felt like dull, lifeless nothing, like grey and muddy waters. I put on my nice boots and my blazer, went to the unreliable bus stop, and the bus passed me by. That in itself wasn’t rare, but the day, the day of my talk, the day when Long Island turned on me, showed me it’s MAGA fangs and when wearing army sweaters and Austrian caps became not so funny anymore, I walked to school in the looming rain, click clacking worn boots and light blazer.

I had had enough. No more would the MAGA protestors threaten my bagel stop on Saturday mornings, no unreliable bus with an app that made you watch ads before you bought the tickets, no more mile walk in the rain while cars jeered and tried to run me over. I was done, done, done, done with the suburbs and everything they represented. I made up my mind: I was moving to “the city,” where I could ride the subway and see my friends and where people wouldn’t say anything about my hair and stares. In “the city,” everyone had their own lives that didn’t involve me (which can be lonely sometimes but more on that later,) where I didn’t have to have a car, where I could just be trans without being a spectacle, where I could live with some semblance of what I wanted normality to be.

Two months later, I had found an apartment in the city. I’m here now - my room is cramped, but there’s so much Sun that the whole room heats up in the morning, making me sweat and dream. The floors are wooden and my roommates are good people who want to make money, but I had money and I gave that up. Now I have some regrets but not about anything I can fix or could have fixed at the time.

I’m writing this here now, to remind myself that I changed my entire reality within the span of two months. I sat in a marriage for so long, unable to move or breathe and I made myself small, and after one cross country move whats a little two hour jaunt? I still feel sorry for my movers and I hope they’re okay. But I’m here now, two months later, two months after sobbing under my desk, red faced and snotty when Rob offered to give me a hug and that was the most positive and loving male attention I’d gotten in months. He’s a good guy and I hope he’s okay.

But I did this, I did this in two months. I said, no, im unsafe, im unhealthy, this is killing me. I didn’t wait six months or ten years. I waited two. I put my money down, I took my pride and I took my things - some I haven’t seen in so long - I stacked them up and I arranged a room that overlooks a busy street and the neighbors play their music and their kids scream. Rainy days are nice because it’s quiet so I like rainy days now.

Ultimately I write this to remind myself that I am capable, perhaps more capable than anyone I know, I have uprooted my entire life and I will continue to do that until I feel at home. I will weed and tend and sow my own goddamn garden until someone listens and flowers sprout. I don’t have anyone to obsess over right now which leaves me weak and sullen, but they will come, they will come. They always do.

[dr4kenlvr]

how the warriors would handle your death

a/n: scouts version here! writing reiner’s and porco’s made me sad.

warnings: death

reiner: the moment the words left zeke’s mouth, reiner’s emotions would immediately come crashing down. he stared tearily wide-eyed, not knowing what to think or do. all he could do was cradle his head with shaking palms, knees falling roughly to the ground as he profusely pleads for it all to be a lie. he begs and begs, his sobs piercing the air around him as he mourns for the loss of his light. his throat felt tight and his lungs felt empty. as he sits there, the reality of you being gone sinks in further and he finds himself having to place a hand on his heart because the pain was too unbearable for him.

bertholdt: shock is the first thing bertholdt feels. did reiner say, you died? he falls into a stage of denial. but the ringing rhythm of his pounding heart and the quivering of his lips tell him that you truly are gone. he lets out quiet sobs into the sleeve of his sweater and the guilt begins to wash over him. why wasn’t he there to save you? why was it you? why not him? his sobs get louder and he so tragically remembers the comfort of your words when he would feel this way. who would give that to him now?

annie: her eyes go wide and her jaw clenches. tears brim her eyes as they slowly turn dull and lifeless. annie would isolate herself within the confines of her room- once shared with you. she’d often sit on her bed, sheets and pillows sprawled about as she tucks her knees into her chest, hiding herself in the small space that was once filled with your melodious laughter and cheer. she curses herself, and she curses this war-wretched war that took away the love of her life. 

zeke: being the war chief, zeke had a mask that he had to put on in front of his colleagues and superiors. but the second he was alone in his room, he lets out a sorrowing exhale, back sliding down to the floor. tears blur his vision and he holds his head tightly. he rocks back and forth, feeling the cold atmosphere of his empty room nip at his sweaty skin. he murmurs soft “im sorry”’s and continuously finds the need to swipe away at the endless tears streaming down his face. zeke doesn’t move from that position all night, eventually falling asleep alone for the first time in years. 

porco: pure anger. porco would act the most hostile and rash out of them all. he just can’t control his emotions or actions anymore. he constantly spaces out and appears more intimidating than usual. but the bags under his eyes are a tell tale sign that he is more than just angry. he’s tired, tired of the war, tired of himself and tired of you not being there by his side like you always were. he breaks down in the privacy of his room, finding his anger bubble up again. he trashes the place- flings the chairs, flips the table, breaks the mirror, all while cursing and screaming out grievingly. by the end of it, he hands are cut and bloodied but he tunes out the pain because the ache in his heart is far insufferable.

pieck: pieck goes quiet. she sits down in the nearest chair because she feels her lungs fill up with burning agony. with her face buried in her hands, she sobs. she couldn’t believe it, her heart wouldn’t allow her too. she’s locked herself in her room more often as the days go by, and she takes lonely naps without you to pass the time. she hasn’t felt this way before. she’s never experienced so much pain all at once that she feels she might explode. 

colt: always asks himself ‘why wasn’t i there for them?’ he curses himself, ‘i’m a warrior’, so why couldn’t he save you?  zeke’s noticed him being less enthusiatic about warrior duties; dazing off, often appearing late, or sometimes not appearing at all. colt’s hands tremble in misery as he clunches the portrait of him and you by his bedside table. he was too cooped up in the horrors of his mind, laying lifelessly on his now too-big bed. 

#reiner angst #bertholdt angst #annie angst #zeke angst #porco angst #pieck angst #colt angst #reiner x reader #reiner x reader angst #bertholdt x reader #bertholdt x reader angst #annie x reader #annie x reader angst #zeke x reader #zeke x reader angst #porco x reader #porco x reader angst #pieck x reader #pieck x reader angst #colt x reader #colt x reader angst #reiner braun #bertholdt hoover #annie leonhart #zeke jaeger #porco galliard #pieck finger #colt grice #aot #aot x reader

[hey-hamlet]

Can we hear more about some of your SVSSS AUs? I’m particularly curious about how the linked souls/dreams one would play out, but they’re all intriguing!

YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON I LOVE YOU

AHeM-

YES YOU MAY

OK SO! Linked Souls! Sickly!Shen Yuan because im projecting a little bit, hes also around 4 years younger than Shen Jiu. When Shen Jiu turns four years old, he starts having hazy dreams of a soft, warm bed, a full stomach, but constant fevers and aches. He feels bitter - not even his dreams let him really enjoy anything. Its quiet and mostly formless until Shen Yuan learns to talk - they gain the ability to talk to eachother, like riding passenger in a car, able to talk and watch but not interact. Shen Jiu learns to read better than any of the other slaves, and teaches Yue Qi everything he learns.

 He tells Yue Qi about Shen Yuan, and Yue Qi believes him because he’d always believe his Xiao Jiu. Shen Yuan likes his Qi-ge a lot, and likes him even more when he sneaks Shen Jiu sweets ‘for a-yuan to taste’

When Shen Jiu turns 11, he’s taken by the Qius. He feels scared and guilty, because Shen Yuan will feel this too, no matter that the little brat didn’t deserve it. He was still too soft and naive, this might break him. He begs Shen Yuan to find a way to leave, but he refuses to leave his ‘big brother’ all alone.

3 years pass, Yue Qi never comes back. Shen Yuan gets sicker and sicker, and Shen Jiu fears that one of them will die before the year’s end - either from sickness or Qiu Jianluo. Qiu Jianluo tries to touch Shen Jiu one night and he snaps, killing the man and everyone in his way on the path out. He might have grit his teeth and borne it if he was alone, but he’s not letting Shen Yuan get hurt like that.  

Shen Jiu doesn’t go with Wu Yanzi after Shen Yuan begs him not to - the man is scum, and while Shen Jiu might be scum himself, Shen Yuan is soft and sweet, he doesn’t deserve to see a man so vile. Cultivating from manuals he steals from people who are likely scammers, he ends up at the immortal alliance conferance. Shen Yuan convinces him to enter - hes too tricky to get himself killed by any of the monsters, and placing anywhere better than the last dregs will be impressive for a 15 year old rouge cultivator.

Wu Yanzi is back! And hes trying to murder Yue Qi, who caught sight of Shen Jiu and froze like a deer in the headlights. Shen Jiu runs him through with a sword he stole from some asshole a few months back and then cries all over Yue Qi’s robes, and then has a very repressed panic attack about getting blood and tears on robes that cost more than his life. 

Yue Qi is also crying! Shen Yuan has no control over Shen Jiu’s eyes but by the way he’s babbling he’s probably also crying! Everyone is crying! 

Yue Qi brings Shen Jiu before his master a bit like a cat presenting a dead bird and Shen Jiu wants to die in a hole a little bit because he’s scruffy and bloody and everyone around him look like peerless immortals. He covers this up by acting as much like a pampered young lord as humanly possible. Shen Yuan is cheering him on internally. 

Shen Jiu is snapped up the the Qing Jing peak master because he’s obnoxiously intelligent and knows a truely frightening amount of characters and some really impressive maths, esspecially considering his lack of formal education (Shen Yuan, internally “Yes Jiu-ge I know, I’m amazing and the light of your life and you’re so grateful to watch my miserable homeschooling lessons”)

Yue Qi explains nothing about why he didn’t come back because! Thats just what the man is like. Shen Jiu is less furious about it and more depressed because having a perminant Shen Yuan in your head helps you develop slightly less violent coping mechanisms. Plus, Shen Yuan can’t hold a grudge to save his life and Shen Jiu uses the fact Shen Yuan missed him as a reason to visit. 

Yue Qi sticks his foot in his mouth a little less. 

Liu Qingge hates Shen Jiu On Sight as usual, and is still convinced hes a murderous little noble snake. Shen Yuan is furious, and Shen Jiu has to fight the urge to laugh at the creative streams of insults he gets running. 

Shen Yuan gets well enough to attend high school in person. He doesn’t really make any friends, but hes not lonely considering the other Shen who, while not there constantly, is basically always there by the time his first lessons start. The running commentry makes it less dull anyway. 

He graduates, applies to university. Shen Jiu becomes head disiple. Shen Yuan finishes his first year of a teaching degree before his illness relapses hard. He gets through another year of part time study before he dies. 

Something in Shen Jiu, now Shen Qingqiu, Peak Lord of Qing Jing, dies with him. His students liken him to a ghost, dressed in mourning white, rising late and sleeping early, but often seen wandering the peak in the dead of night. Yue Qingyuan visits often, but Shen Qingqiu says nothing. 

Liu Qingge, angry at what he assumes is a fit of drama crashes onto the peak in a self rightious rage, challenging Shen Qingqiu to a duel. Thats the only time he ever loses a duel to him. The Yue Qingyuan has to pull them apart, Shen Qingqiu still snarling with rage. 

The news that he deviates that night shocks no one. Yue Qingyuan is frigid with Liu Qingge, and it unnerves the other peak lords. 

Shen Qingqiu has barely recovered from one of the worst Qi deviations he’s ever had when a disiple all but crashes through his door, scared shitless of the half dead looking man who stumbled through the peak’s barriers like so much air. 

Shen Qingqiu doesnt dare hope - Shen Yuan is dead, and a world away at that - but wouldn’t his soul be allowed to pass through the barrier? Shen Qingqiu had never had a problem when they shared bodies.

The man (barely a man, he would be 21 if he hadn’t been dead for 3 months) looks truly awful, feverish and flushed, but Shen Qingqiu know’s that face better than he know’s his own. 

“A-Yuan?”

#i'd kill a man for you #svsss au #svsss #i just worked out my arms are like jelly #painful painful jelly #key to my heart is asking me ab my svsss aus #and i know you asked about all of them kinda? but you got an indepth breakdown of #one way by day and another by night au #i think thats a shrek quote but whatever

[fairydollsteps]

Omg I saw request open✨ Im so happy😃. Can I request how would some character of JJK(of your choice)react to reader being in some sort of coma for a while, how would they react to them waking up( angst to fluff) please?

Sure! I will choose Yuta and Yuji then. I will be making the reader coma for like a few weeks because I don’t want to make this too angst. Thank you for your request and enjoy reading!🤗 Part 2 is➡here

When you are in a Coma (Part 1 )

Featuring: Itadori Yuji  and Okkotsu Yuta

Itadori Yuji

You suffer from a head injury while fighting a special grade curse. You manage to exorcise the curses but have to suffer the head injuries which makes you fall unconscious.

Yuji finds you, absolutely panicking, and quickly sends you to Shoko for your injuries.

While Shoko is examining you, Yuji is outside walking back and forth, worrying that you might suffer life-threatening injuries or worse, maybe die.

When Shoko finally comes out and finishes up what she has to do, she said that you would be in a coma due to you suffering brain injuries 

And it is unknown when you will wake up but you are still alive and that you will wake up soon.

Yuji will be heartbroken that you won’t wake up for a while but still maintain his composure.

Yuji thank Shoko for her help and go and check on you. He saw you sleeping on the medical bed and that you are still breathing.

Yuji sigh in relief, glad that you are still alive and have the chance to keep living again but then, thought will then come to him.

“What if you don’t survive?” He remembers the time where his beloved grandfather died on his deathbed.

 So what if you also suffer the same fate as him? After all, you did receive a hard blow from the curse but you still keep going.

Yuji shakes off the thought quickly and stays positive that you would wake up to see him again.

Every day, he would visit you to check on you, in hope that you would wake up. He would bring a bouquet of flowers and put it somewhere because the patient room looks dull and gloomy without it.

Whenever he comes back from a mission, Yuji would immediately quickly go to your room to see you and talk about what had happened during his day.

Yuji would still keep up his cheerful demeanor to his friends and teacher, not wanting to worry them. His friends and teachers would know that he is worrying and crying on the inside so they try to avoid any topic that relates to you.

When you did wake up though, Yuji would drop a vase of flowers and looks at you with a surprised look. He quickly calls Shoko to aid you because you look pale and weak.

Once Shoko is done and claimed that you would be in good recovery, Yuji immediately goes to you and hug you gently, thanking the Gods for letting you live.

Then he starts to cry tears of joy, glad that he can finally see you smile again. During your recovery, Yuji would visit you every day and bring you stuff that can use to entertain yourself.

You both would talk for hours until is late or eat together. Nevertheless, Yuji is glad that you are alive that can finally spend some time with you.

Okkotsu Yuta

When he saw you laying on the ground unconscious, his tough demeanor drops, and now he is panicking and is about to cry but hold it back because he knows that you need him to send you for medical attention.

He was later then told by Shoko that you are currently suffering in a coma, and is unknown when you would wake up but is most likely that you wake up for a while.

Crushed might be the correct word for how he is feeling now. Yuta wanted to see you but Shoko stop him and told him that you would need surgery to tend your wounded.

Shoko also told him that he can visit you tomorrow. Yuta is upset about it but understands and then leaves.

That’s when his pessimistic thoughts cloud in his mind. “What if you don’t wake up?” “Is my fault that I didn’t save you.” “Is my fault that you have to suffer so much,” “What if you die and leave me?”

His thoughts are too much that he needs Inumaki to comfort him. It took hours for Inumaki to help Yuta understand that you are strong and that you survive through this. After all, you did go through brutal injuries in the past and you are still alive.

Yuta would ease up a bit but still worries a lot. He later thanks Inumaki for his help. 

Yuta would immediately visit you when he is informed that your surgery is done. When he did see you in the room through the glass window, he becomes relieved that you are still alive.

He would then stop going overseas for a while so he can visit you every day. Like Yuji, he would bring flowers to decorate the room. He thinks the vase of flowers on the nightstand makes you look more lively even though you are sleeping.

Yuta smiles a little when he saw your sleeping figure because you look so peaceful and he thinks is weird and rude because he is literally smiling at you when you have the possibility to die.

When you did wake up from your coma, Yuta was sitting beside you, looking at your when you open your eyes slowly. He quickly calls Shoko about it and rushes to you to do whatever to make you feel better than before.

While she was treating your weak state, Yuta is behind all teary-eyes, happy that you finally wake up and not dead. The back of his throat feels dry so he can’t utter a word for a while.

When you are treated with proper procedure and in a healthy recovery, Yuta would always visit you every day. He doesn’t care if there are important meetings that he must attend, he now more worries for you.

 He probably has cried at least once in front of you, apologizing to you that he can’t protect you and leave you in the darkness for a long time.

You reassure that everything is not his fault and that you are feeling alright. 

You also tell your appreciation to him for visiting him every day because it doesn’t make you feel lonely. Yuta would ease up a bit after hearing your words.

Yuta would always visit you so you won’t feel lonely in this dull lonely. It was boring to stay in the same room every day after all.

You and Yuta would be chatting together and he would be holding your hand the whole time, telling you that he doesn’t want to let you go.

If is safe the. maybe you both would cuddle together on the medical bed. Yuta wanted to make up the time where you both lost during your coma.

Yuta can’t wait for you to become healthy again and get out of the hospital. He did want to return his usual routine with you.

Thank you for reading and have a Good day!😊

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen headcanons #jujustu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen angst #jjk headcanons #itadori x reader #itadori yuji x reader #yuji itadori x you #yuji x reader #itadori x y/n #itadori x you #itadori headcanons #yuji headcanons #itadori fluff #yuji fluff #itadori angst #yuji angst #okkotsu x reader #okkotsu yuta x reader #okkotsu headcanons #okkotsu x you #yuta x reader #yuta headcanons #yuta fluff #yuta angst #okkotsu fluff #okkotsu ansgt #yuta x y/n #yuta x you #yuta okkotsu imagines

[neufdoigts]

Finished the farseer trilogy... Have some.. thoughts .. spoilers obviously.. *breaks down in tears*

-every time I saw robin hobb recommended in a thread after I finished a fantasy series I would ignore it!? Why did I do that?? For like! 6 years?!

-if I read this in middle school I would have so so heavily imprinted on this book it's unreal - like I would have begged my parents for a dog and named it nighteyes kind of imprinted

-i know this because as it stands I have very much imprinted on it now

-i love how much hobb is willing to let her characters suffer and they don't even have it coming for them the world just sucks

-im a slut for the "you know how story ends before it begins" trope but it still managed to break me

-willfully forgetting how fitz was taking drugs for the skill and talking about how he doesn't talk to anyone he used to know at the beginning of ass apprentice and ass quest so I could be like >:'0 at the end of the series

-the parts where fitz talks about his mother and not remembering her, or feeling unloved while growing up at buckeep...it feels subtle and it hurt because it really felt like a thing that was just a constant background to fitz' life we never find out anything there's no reveals it's just like a constant dull ache in his life and like.. ouch

-like fitz feeling constantly used and lonely is honestly so heartwrenching and relatable and idk I feel like that has the possibility to be annoying to people because it's like why is he so whiny but I found it really realistic and I cried at those rants at the beginning of ass quest when he and burrich were yelling at each other and in royal ass when patience asks him what he'll do and fitz is like "what I've always done, what I'm told" 🥺

-when I started the series I was like oh my god he's a bastard prince assassin this is the ultimate edgelord set up but no the fact that he's a bastard is actually really ejsjsjsjjs

-this applies to all the characters that normally I would be like ok so regal is hot and evil I will probably simp but not hobb made me fucking hate him!! Burrich is the "old" gruff man character ok I guess he'll be really heartwarming but when fitz hated him in book 1 I was totally with him ok what I guess I'm really saying is robin hobb is a good writer and makes me feel feelings that she wants me to feel... 🤦‍♀️

-i don't like dragons because I'm scared of reptiles but at the same time I wish there was more dragons

-really appreciated how even tho this is generic medieval fantasy world it wasn't wildly sexist too for no real reason

-i LOVE HOW MANY CUDDLES AND HUGS ARE IN THESE BOOKS so cozy...makes me feel like there's genuine affection between characters.. makes me feel lonely as hell but it's worth it because it thaws my cold little heart

-nighteyes is the cutest motherfucker in all the realm every time he's like "I'm a great hunter I deserve pats and ear rubs" I'm like yeah big boy!! You do!!

-theres like a huge time skip between these books and tawny man right?? So like?! I don't know what the lifespan of wolves are but nighteyes is almost definitely dead right :( I would accept any bullshit magical way to keep him alive

-the fool goes from weird egg looking kid to toymaking priest not-softboy to dragon riding gay legend wish that could be me

-when I heard the later series were called like fitz and the fool while reading ass apprentice I was confused but now I understand I want to know everything about the fool I love him

-REGAL DYING BY FERRET DHSHSHSH amazing better than any ending possible actually

-when kettricken named her son sacrifice. I literally. Cried. Just little things like 6 year old fitz getting veritys old toys and fitz still thinks it's the best gift he ever got. Waterworks. Whenever anyone says they love fitz right before trying to get him to do something for them. Just. 🥺🥺🥺🥺 Stab me in the heart miss hobb why don't you

-i really love every single character in these books no exceptions they're all stellar

-my only problem now is im not gonna read anything new until like February also I'm sad that the next trilogy doesn't follow fitz !? 😢 But I'll still read it because I trust her

-somewhere between a 9/10 and a 10/10 I need to internalize this

#robin hobb #farseer trilogy #realm of the elderlings

[midday0nightmares]

31 - a week later.

Previous chapter a rat.

m.list.

warnings: this series contains themes of yandere\mafia, blood, violence, mental health, drugs, non-con.

author note: this is pure fiction and it is not intended to romanticize any of the situations mentioned bellow.

3 days after.

“Jeno .. can I ask you something?” 

“Sure” he replied,

 jeno too has changed, he has become more caring towards you like he was stepping to fill jaemins place, while jaemin was occupied.

Jeno was more controlled, he didn’t show much, if you didn’t know what had happen you would have believed everything was fine.

“What’s gonna happen to me if..? You know” ,

you leave the questions unfinished, but jeno understands what you wanted to ask.

His mouth opens to speak but closes shut again, he takes a minute to think before he answers “I don’t know”.

His honesty although appreciated didn’t help at all.

 “but, I will do my best to make sure you’er taking care of” he reach to hold your hand over the table, gently squeezing it to reassure you.

.

.

.

5 days after.

You saw less and less of jaemin.

The stress of it all was getting to you too, you were agitated.. you blamed it all on jeno.

“Why don’t you just confess?”, 

your question was loaded with hostility.

He looked at you, a desperate look on his face, he told you over and over but still he tells you again,

”it’s complicated sera”.

You scoff, his answer seemed more like an excuse than a genuine answer. “what’s complicated? You did it, you are the one who should be facing life in prison not him” you pointed at jaemin’s closed door.

He exhales, his eyes close “you don’t know what you’er talking about”.

“You killed him!” You contain to argue but he gets up and leave, ending the conversation.

Tears of anger pooled in your eyes, this is another level of injustice. 

.

.

.

6 days after.

You were quietly munching on your cereal, jeno sat across form you sipping on his bitter coffee.

The mood was tense, unstable.

The neglected tv flashed a breaking news strip that caught your attention, it was about the murder in a diplomatic’s son house, “turn the volume up” you ushered jeno.

“.. it has been determined that the leased apartment falls under diplomatic amenity and no further investigations could be carried” 

You looked at jeno, “dose it mean that they’er closing the case?” You asked, carful not to get your hopes up, he remind quiet for a minute before he nods “ yup, I guess they are”.

You jumped out of your seat, squealing with happiness “yes! Yess thank god” you grabbed his arm to share the joy but he didn’t move.

He wasn’t happy, nor relieved.. he didn’t seems to feel any thing.

You top your small celebration, “what?” You asked.

“Nothing” he stood up ready to leave, “clean up when you’er done”.

he leaves you to your wild thoughts to run the worst case scenarios. 

.

.

.

Today

The week slowly rolled over with much tension and uncertainty, jaemin has been called to the police station couple more times, you swear each time he comes back, he has aged years.

You wanted to be by his side but he didn’t even look at you when you tried to call him this morning, if he’s not out then he’s locking himself in his room. you tried knocking on his door, to get him to at least eat a proper meal but he didn’t answer. Each attempt has been met with either complete silence or a sharp temper, he would lash at you then quickly apologize.

This is not how you wanted your first semester to begin, you attended the first week of your online classes but you couldn’t really focus on what has been said, not with a disaster hanging above your head ready to drop at any minute.

And as much as you wanted to blame it all on jeno, you couldn’t anymore. The case is closed, but why is jaemin still being investigated? Could it be because of you? Did the police knew you were taken? Was it your fault?.. you tossed and turned in your bed, it felt cold and empty without him, you missed him so much. After a long string of pillow thoughts, slumber finally took mercy over you.

“y\n..” 

An unfamiliar voice calls your name.

“y\n” 

the whisper gets louder, your body tip over and fall off of an edge to an endless darkness.. you jerk out of the nightmare, drenched in sweat and gasping for air.

You clam yourself and push the heavy covers off of you, dragging your feet to the kitchen for some water, you don’t bother turning the lights on, you open the fridge door and take a bottle. The icy water clears the clouds in your mind only for the grim reality to take its place, jaemin might be taken away.. you dwell on the scary thought. 

You turn your head to see the lights of jaemins room were on, your heart clinches, he’s still awake at this ungodly hour.

Opting not bother him, you head back to your lonely bed, but the dark figure in the balcony almost gave you a heart attack.

You recognize the man, it’s jaemin.. his tall figure was standing in the dark, the phone was pressed to his ear, his demeanor was agitated, shifting his weight form one foot to the other, you couldn’t hear anything but you can tell he wasn’t happy.

You turn to see if jeno was in his room, his lights were off and his shoes were by the door. you always had the impression that they were close, partners in crime. they did all their nasty work together, but why is it only jaemin who is in this mess right now?.

“You can’t be serious !” 

Jaemin’s loud voice comes clear through the thick glass, his hand running through his hair seemingly wanting to rip it from the roots out of frustration. You can tell he was angry, desperate.. he keeps shouting but you can’t make out what he was saying. you step closer, as close as you can without being seen by him, you try to decipher his muffled voice,

 “I am your son! Your only son” 

you’er not sure if that’s what he said.. 

He speaks in a lower voice before he removes the phone from his ear, ending the call. He punches the wall next to him, he was beyond pissed.

You move to hide behind the curtain to avid angering him more, he opens the door and steps inside slamming the glass door behind him.

“I can see you” he deadpan says in the dark, since there’s no one other than you, he must be talking to you and you make the quick decision of coming out before he losses his temper. 

“Im sorry, I had a nightmare and I got up to drink wa..” You try to explain yourself but he waves his hand with not much care “Yeah yeah” and you stop talking.. he walks to his room, the dull city lights illuminating his backside, his shoulders were slumped, his back hunched with heavy burden, the sight of him broken made your heart twist inside your ribcage.

“Jaemin” you call him without a plane, he stops and looks at you, “Are you okay?”, stupid question.. 

Although it’s dark, you can feel his eyes burning holes into your face.

“Do I look okay?” He retorts,

You answered him with a small “no”

he turns to walk to his room but you speak again, “I can help you if you tell me what wrong”, bold statement.

He stops again and heavy sighs, your heart thumbs in your chest as you wait for him to speak, but all you get was a scoff, “why don’t you just know your place huh?” he asks with much condecindence, although you know he didn’t mean it, his words still hurts. 

“Just stay out of my way, you have done enough already” he adds more sharp words, twisting the planted knife in your heart.

“I just wanted to help you and be here for you” your voice breaks and you hate yourself for it, but you chock and the tears starts to gather in your eyes, he huffs and looks up to the ceiling, impatiently waiting for you to recompose yourself. But his cold nonchalant demeanor triggers more eruptions inside of you.

 the words escapes your mouth before you have thought of them.. “all I wanted was to help you, but you keep me away form you! you don’t tell me anything, no one is telling me anything! I don’t know what is happing or if I will see you when wake up the next day” you rant through the sobs, your voice getting louder and louder, and when he was fed up with you he shuts you down with a loud scream “shut up”.

 Jeno comes out of his room, bewildered and alert.. he stands in the background watching the fight evolves.

“You are not my girlfriend” he walks towards you, making you feel small and insignificant, “I don’t own you anything” his tall stature looms over your short one, that cuts deep. 

you look at him, you stare into his eyes, challenging him to take what he said back but he doesn’t.

“Yeah?” Your voice barely comes out, “fine then I guess I have no reason to stay here anymore”. you turn and stomp to where your bed is to collect your few belongings, he follows behind, his steps shaking the ground beneath you.

“where the fuck do you think you’er doing?” He asks but you ignore him, more so you couldn’t speak due to the choking knot in your throat, but your lack or response angers him even more, he grabs your arm and turns you around with much force, that it almost dislocates your shoulder, you whimper at the pain but he doesn’t care, his grip tightening even more, his eyes glazed with a dark, sinister layer.

“Jaemin!” Jeno warns, but it does nothing as another screaming match breaks between you, with him asking you the same question, not really waiting for an answer, and you shouting whatever comes to your mind first, curses, accusation, anything to hurt him. you don’t know who started it first but hands were being thrown, jeno was trying to break you apart, but  eventually, jaemin overpowered you and threw you over his shoulder like a rag doll, your kicking and screaming did nothing against him.

 “Jaemin” jeno shouted at his friend who was in a trance, muttering the filthiest insults under his breath.

“Where are you going? Jaemin!” jeno tries to reason with him. at this point jaemin was like a robot, marching to his room, he kicks the door to his bedroom open, he slams you to his bed, knocking the wind out of you. 

“Jaemin! Calm down” jeno was trying to stop whatever jaemin was doing, he kneels and opens his safe, jeno’s voice getting louder, you were paralyzed with fear everything is happing so fast for your brain to form a response.

Jeno was trying to pry jaemin’s hands out of the safe, “come on! don’t do something you’ll regret”, jeno was almost begging him to stop.

jaemin finally broke out of his trance and turned to jeno “get out!”,

but jeno stood in his place like a pillar, his presence seems to clam jaemin, he takes a deep breath and pushes his hair back “I know what im doing” he speaks calmly this time before he turns back to you, you swallow the thick knot “jaemin please..” pleadings to spare your life were timid but loud enough to be heard, your body crawls as far away from him before the wall stops you.

He kneels down and reaches again inside the safe, for a second the time has stoped, everything moved in slow motion. 

He takes out a metal handcuffs out of the safe, the blood that was frozen in your vines moved again, you let go of a breath you didn’t know you were holding.. jeno does the same “fuck..” he must have thought the same, he too believed jaemin was about to kill you.

Your limbs fell weak and cold due to the withdrawal of the adrenaline that filled your bloodstream, you feel sick, dizzy.

The bed dips under jaemin’s weight next to you, your head falls back into his soft pillows, aimless tears rolls down your temples, you give him your hands to cuff. you are worn out, you surrender.

He takes both of your arms and cuffs them to the headboard of his bed, your eyes meet, you don’t look away and neither does he. He looks down at you.. his eyes pours inside of your soul.

Dark circles beneath his eyes, dry lips, heavy eyelids but still, still handsome as ever. he leans down to kiss your watery eyes, “for my sanity sake” he whispers between the kisses.

He throws his covers over you, and turns the lights off before he leaves and close the door behind him. 

#nct dream #nct 127 #nct yandere #nct mafia #nct smut #nct fluff #nct jeno #nct jaemin #nct reactions #nct imagines #nct scenarios #lee jeno #na jaemin

[filterjeons]

private show | jjk

✦ pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

✦ summary: throughout your relationship, you never thought jungkook would ask a certain type of action from you. however, you take it into consideration...without the intention of him nearly catching you

✦ rating: M, not suitable for minors

✦ genre: smut

✦ word count: 7.4k

✦ warnings: dom!jungkook, sub!reader, tsundere!reader, rough & unprotected sex (wrap it b4 u tap it!!), dirty talk, degradation bc im a whore for that, masterbation, voyeurism, oral (f receiving), fingering, orgasm denial

Honestly, you didn’t know what you did in your past life to earn a man like Jungkook but you weren’t complaining one bit anyways. By just one look at you, people assumed you weren’t the type to have a boyfriend and you would spend the rest of your life alone. Luckily, you managed to prove them all wrong by being with someone who loved you for the way you were instead of your money. 

It was a blessing and a curse to be born into a rich family of doctors who expected you to be the heir of the family hospital. Despite having your future already planned for you, you fell in love with playing the violin after being introduced to it when you were young. The feeling of holding the violin against your jaw as the bow ran across the strings to produce a classical melody that you’ve familiarized yourself with throughout the years. 

You would much rather be at a violin recital in a beautiful dress playing one of Bach’s sonatas than being cooped up in your room studying biology. However, your parents didn’t feel the same way. 

When you were about 6, you ranked second at a competition against tons of kids who were in their later-preteens but that wasn’t enough to prove to your parents how much you loved music. They took it as a sign of failure because “it’s not being first” and always used that argument against you to emphasize on how you have to be at the top of your class. 

“Mommy! Guess what, I got second place! Second out of a bunch of bigger kids! I didn’t expect-” you squealed, kicking the back of the limo’s glass partition. Instead of candy, you were buzzing with excitement due to how well you placed in your county’s music recital. But what you didn’t know was that even a place close to first was never enough. “Why didn’t you get first?” 

As those words ran through your ears, you felt your blood run cold and the eyes that were dancing of excitement and joy started to dull. You clutched your certificate tightly, tears starting to swell up. 

“That’s because there was a sixth grader who was better than me and she was really good, she can play the piano-” “You see, if you can’t get first then you shouldn’t pursue a career in music. It’s too hard and competitive for you anyways. How about you focus on your studies, especially since you’re going to take over the hospital when you’re older.” 

Up until last year which was your freshman year of college, you obeyed them by devoting your time to studying and only treating music as just a hobby while you hide your feelings along the way. Now that you think about it, you barely had friends during high school since every break period, you were always alone in the music room and you were too stubborn to go up to people. The only reason why you would talk to someone is to work on a group project but it ended up being that you would do all of the work while they slack off. 

Everyday felt dull and uninteresting, especially since you’re being put in a fate that you don’t even want. But like some stupid cliche, it all changed ever since you met him. 

You didn’t even intend to meet him, hell you barely knew he existed. But the night of your chemistry midterm, the apartment next to you decided to have a party which most of the school is invited to and blast loud music that could be heard from the next town over. 

It couldn’t get any worse as you were already stressed from college and your parent’s crazy expectations and you were definitely not failing otherwise you’re dead meat. Normally, you would just try to sleep it out with earplugs but since you barely ate anything but coffee and granola bars and you were tired from the 24 hour studying, that was your last straw. So you did the thing a person would do in your situation: marching over to the party in your purple star-printed nightgown to give them a piece of your mind. 

Already at the door, you could feel people’s stares burn into you, due to why you came to the party when you didn’t bother interacting with people and why you were in your pajamas. Maybe people were going to talk about you on Instagram but you didn’t care, you just wanted to ensure that you have enough sleep so you could at least pass. 

Unfortunately for you, you must’ve looked extremely stupid because you were wandering around the same area like a drunk man. Random people did offer to get you a drink but you declined; after all it was a school night. Eventually you gave up trying to even bother talking after seeing the host, local frat boy Jackson Wang, surrounded by the rest of the partygoers in a beer pong game. 

Frustrated and exhausted, you hauled yourself up to a seemingly empty room and collapsed onto the bed. Not only did you enter a college party in your pajamas but you wasted precious time studying over something idiotic like this. With all of these negative emotions inside of you, screaming inside a pillow was the first thing that came into your mind. And unfortunately, someone had to be the witness of your near mental breakdown. 

“Woah, is everything okay?” a velvety voice chuckled, patting your back slightly. Well, another reason why your night is absolute shit. You turned your face up to chew off the mysterious person but for some reason, your voice was all caught up in your throat. 

He was different, different from all of the boys that ever interacted with you. Despite you being a complete loner, the guys in your high school tried to hook up with you but you were never interested. They stunk of axe and the only reason why they’re “popular” is because they were on a sports team. Besides, you were too busy in your academics to even think about dating. 

You couldn’t really see him but the guy who’s in the room with you looks better than every single guy in your high school combined: his long dark hair in a mini-ponytail contrasting with his cute bunny-like face. 

“Wh-who are you?” “Jeon Jungkook. I’m a member of the boxing team and my family owns a records shop downtown. What about you?” 

“I-i-” “Aren’t you Y/N, the smart girl who doesn’t talk to anybody and spends her time either studying or in the music room with her violin?” Thank god the room is dark because your face was burning up badly. Barely anyone knew you and if they did, they had bad things to say about you because you were so quiet and boring. However, what he said was a fact and you shouldn’t blame him for having an impression on you due to what other people said. It hurted nonetheless though, especially since he was a part of a sports team. 

“Yeah, that’s me. What do you want? If it’s homework answers, then fine!” you snapped, immediately standing up and walking away. You were absolutely done with this night, all you wanted to do is sleep so you have some sanity tomorrow. 

“You sure are feisty. It’s cute,” he said with a cocky grin stuck on his face. Oh, how you wanted to slap it off. 

“If you’re asking me out, I’m not interested!” you fought back. Although you were one step out of the door, something about him made you want to stay. Like you wanted to talk to him. 

“I didn’t say anything about that but if you want it that way-”

“No! I-I’m sorry for acting all rude, I’m just having a really bad night and I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone,” you mumbled, turning on the light. Oh how it was a bad idea..

Now that you could really see his face clearly, your heart felt like it was about to explode. He was dressed in a simple all-black T-shirt and jeans with combat boots to match. What really captivated you were the tattoos on his hand and up to his elbow, each symbol and design etched out beautifully which must’ve taken hours. 

Although you were at least wearing clothes, you felt exposed due to the stupid pajamas you have on. He somehow sensed your embarrassment and gave you a small smirk which made it ten times worse. 

“Well, do you want to explain why you were screaming in a pillow earlier?” Normal you definitely wouldn’t spill her feelings to a hot guy she just met five minutes ago but with him, you felt safe. Like for one night, all your worries and feelings are immediately gone and it’s just you and him. 

Was this the stupid shit they call “love at first sight”? 

“My midterm is tomorrow and I can’t sleep from all of the noise so I came here to yell at the host of the party. Jackson Wang, fuck you and your decision to host a party today,” you sighed, settling yourself next to him. You would expect him to immediately laugh and make fun of you since it was something a lot of people did to you whenever you cared about your grades. Instead, he looked at you with understandment and listened to what you had to say. 

“Honestly, I don’t even know why I went to this stupid party in the first place,” he replied, making you snort out a laugh. As you were trying to collect yourself from his statement, Jungkook’s mouth turned up into a small smile. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that. Anyways, I guess I should get going since I have a big day ahead of me,” you smiled, feeling a small weight being lifted off of your shoulders. As you trudge out the door, Jungkook’s arm stops yours for a second. 

“Do you think I can have your phone number? Not for dating but you sound like a really cool person to be around and no offense but you seem lonely.” “Thanks for the compliment. But here you go,” you said sarcastically, scribbling down your phone number on a random piece of stationary in the drawer next to the bed. Maybe this is all a fever dream, maybe you’re hallucinating due to how little sleep you’ve gotten during midterm week. 

“I’ll see you soon…” he waved you goodbye as you gave a final look at the door. He was interesting but now isn’t the time to be distracted! You’re pretty sure that if you pinch yourself, you’ll be back in your dorm since this is just a dream? “Also, d-don’t take it the wrong way! It’s not like I like you or anything! I just wrote down my number because you asked nicely! We’re never going to date!” Not only did you pass your midterm but your last line to Jungkook in the stuffy college party would become your famous last words. 

It’s been years since you and Jungkook met at that party and a lot has changed then. You started to grow feelings and date him a few weeks after your midterm, eventually making the relationship official in a month. After a few months into dating, he introduced his parents to you first. They were a sweet family with amazing home cooked meals which you were dying to recreate and luckily, they accepted you with open arms. 

However, him meeting your parents wasn’t that smooth. Now that you look back on that day, not only were you permanently deciding to be with the one that you love but it also felt like you were breaking free out of the shell that your parents trapped you in because you didn’t want to go down the path they set for you. 

You shook your head to yourself, not wanting to be reminded of the painful past. Now, you were a violinist playing in recitals and companies and Jungkook was running his parent’s record shop. You were happy and you didn’t care about what your stupid parents think. They can simply ask someone else to run the hospital and it’ll still be fine. 

As soon as the practice track ended, you turned off the metronome and packed your violin away. The apartment that you and Jungkook shared was average-sized, a notable difference from the mansion you used to live in but it was better. You were with the person you love and that’s all you could ever need. It may sound corny but a simple life with him was all you ever wanted. 

After you pack away your violin, you impatiently wait alongside the door for Jungkook to get home. Right now, he has boxing practice for a match next week and he wanted to stay with his teammate Taehyung to be the best that he can but he’s stopping by for a day. You’re not into boxing but like the good girlfriend you were, you attend most of his matches (some conflicted with your performances) and cheer him on. 

Although you miss having him by your side, you’re also aware of how much boxing means to him as it was a break from the hectic life of owning a music store. Another positive in your new life was the amount of music there was, a good break from the science and math that filled your childhood. 

You heard some jiggling among the door locks and surely enough, Jungkook’s handsome face was in your view. He was wearing a black sleeveless shirt and some blue jeans, a very simple outfit after spending most of his time at the boxing gym. 

“Hey baby,” he cooed, giving you a hug and a kiss on the forehead. 

“Hi. I’m so happy you’re back, I was starting to worry that you forgot about me,” you joked, carrying his boxing bag to your shared bedroom with him tagging behind. 

“You know I would never forget about you,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing the back of your neck. Instead of wriggling away like you normally do, you allow yourself to relish in his affection since he wasn’t a person who did it often. 

“I missed you..” you mumbled, turning around and kissing him. He returned the kiss more passionately, slipping his tongue inside your mouth. The sudden action made you forget about everything, focusing only on him. Unfortunately, with your senses locked on him, it caused you to fall onto the bed, your head nearly hanging off of the edge. Jungkook used your weakness to have more control over the kiss and you, carefully grabbing the back of your head to deepen the kiss. Even though he always controls kissing you, his lips are also full of love and longing due to him being gone for too long. 

“God I missed this,” he mumbled, breaking away to remove the buttons of your blouse and kissing the side of your neck. You whined from his touch, feeling a bit embarrassed due to how much time it’s been since the two of you were together. 

“What is it baby girl, are you nervous? Come on, we’ve known each other for years and I know you can take anything I give you.” It was true of course but for some reason, it felt like the first time you had sex with him. 

After your shirt has been taken off, you unconsciously cover your chest with your arms. You didn’t know why you’re acting so self-conscious, especially since you’ve been a challenger to him in bed. 

“Hey, are you okay? We can stop if you don’t want to-” Jungkook asked softly, reaching over to take your hand. 

What’s there to be nervous about? It’s just Jungkook and like he said, you’ve known him for too long. Besides, don’t you have too much pride to act this way? You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked back at him with a seductive smile. 

“You were taking too long to take off my shirt. How boring,” you said coyly, tapping his nose playfully. He returned your gaze, his eyes darkened with lust and desire. 

“Well then baby girl, how about you take off the rest of your clothes since you seem like you want to do it,” he muttered, sitting up with his attention completely on your chest. One thing you were infamous in your relationship for is being a brat, a mix of you being submissive but not backing down completely. Even though you liked being a good girl sometimes, the rest is just you on the receiving end. After all, you won’t back down to a challenge, nonetheless if your challenger’s your significant other. 

If a person only based off of what they saw, they would think that you were the one taking absolute control due to the aura you give off and your harsh personality. However, at least between you and him since you were one to keep your private life a secret, he is the one with the reins and you were completely fine with it. 

You unclipped your bra, throwing it at some random place in the room and revealed your exposed breasts. He ogled at your body up and down, his familiar lustful gaze running through his eyes. 

“Hey, what are you staring at?” you barked, slowly starting to feel awkward. Unlike you, Jungkook had no shame when it came to your bedroom activities and there were times when he would just stare at you while you’re completely bare. How embarrassing...but it’s no big deal. 

“Watch your mouth you little brat. Do I have to punish you on my day back?” he said darkly, his tone immediately making the back of your hairs stand up. Your face softened, heat forming in your cheeks as you twirled a random piece of your hair, a random habit that you’ve done since elementary school.

“I-I’m sorry.” “Sorry what, baby girl? You’re smarter than that.” “Sorry..sir.” After that word was uttered in your soft and obedient tone, Jungkook could feel his dick growing harder by the second. Hearing you give up all of your confidence and letting him control you never failed to turn him on. 

“Now take off the rest of your clothes, sweetie. Or are you going to continue being a dumb little girl and keep playing with me,” he growled softly, leaning back on the bed frame. You felt like acting up some more but he truly was scary when he’s upset and you didn’t want to make his visit back bad because of your behavior so you simply did what he said. Even though you wouldn’t admit it to the world, you also love obeying Jungkook. 

You quickly unzippered your jeans, pulling them off along with your panties and kicking them out of the bed. The warmth from the clothes were immediately replaced by the chilly air from the air conditioner, your nipples standing up and goosebumps filling your body. It was humiliating, especially since Jungkook can see you so clearly. 

“My precious sweetheart,” he cooed, leaning over you and you could feel his hardened member alongside the roughness of his jeans as he slowly grinded into you. 

“Ahh…” You didn’t know what to say, except you knew you wanted more. Jungkook’s mouth was latched onto your nipples, sucking them harshly while his other hand was massaging and flicking on them repeatedly. You felt your eyes roll back to your head and your pussy dampening, even though he wasn’t doing anything yet. 

“You like this baby?” he asked gruffly, tugging on your nipple teasingly as it sends sparks of pleasure inside you. You only let out a whine in response as he broke apart from your chest and slowly made his way down your body. 

All of a sudden, he inserted one of his long fingers inside of your core, sending vibrations throughout your body. You squealed from the intrusion as your body tried to familiarize itself with his finger, your walls clenching around his digit. 

“Damn, have you gotten tighter since last time?” He started to thrust his finger in and out of you at a moderate pace, trying to get you used to the feeling. As if one isn’t enough for you, he suddenly inserted a second one to stretch you out. 

Your mind was a haze, not paying attention to anything that was happening around you and focusing on the pleasure that Jungkook was giving you. His fingers attempted to reach the spongy section of your g-spot, the place that absolutely had you in hysterics. Surely enough, his fingertips grazed over it and you could nearly come undone at any second. 

While he added an additional finger and completely filled you up, you could feel his smooth tongue on your clit, flicking and sucking on it feverishly. High-pitched moans and mewls were coming out of your mouth embarrassingly as you tugged on Jungkook’s long locks in order to steady yourself of the pleasure. 

You could feel him curl his fingers and touch your g-spot, sending sparks within you. At this point, you were barely in a stable mindset due to how good he was making you feel. You felt a knot building up in your stomach, your orgasm coming close to you. 

“Are you gonna cum now baby girl? Do you want to cum for Sir? Yeah, I know you do, I could feel it coming,” he said tauntingly, his fingers and tongue abusing your cunt and the vibrations among it made the sensation feel even better. 

“Y-yeah, I’m gonna-” you whimpered pathetically but to your dismay, he completely stopped by sliding his fingers out and removing his face. With your release dismissed like it was nothing, you felt annoyance build up on you as your body shook from the denial. 

“What the hell? Why did you stop?” you groaned, your eyes shooting sharp daggers at Jungkook. If looks could kill, he would surely be dead within two seconds. But all that’s on his face were your liquids and a cocky smirk that you want to wipe off instantly. 

“Because I want you to cum on my dick first. It’s been so long since I’ve been inside you, y’know?” he said casually, pulling off his shirt like it was nothing and revealing his impressive 6-pack. One thing that you were always in awe of was his figure. Jungkook was a really athletic person, always finding time out of his day to work out and maintain his muscular body. You didn’t mind if he didn’t have abs but it neutralized his cute face that could easily kill anyone. 

“It’s been a while, yeah? You ready kitten?” Jungkook kicked off his jeans and his boxer that covers his massive bulge was immediately in your vision. You could feel your thighs rubbing together as you were craving him inside you. 

“You’re calling me kitten now?” you mumbled shyly as he sat on the edge of the bed, palming his hardened member. 

“Yeah because you’re my cute kitty, aren’t you? Do you want to take off my boxers for me?” he smirked, knowing how excited you are to see him like this again. Like there was no tomorrow, you yanked it off impatiently and his dick sprang out, hitting his abs before standing up instantly. 

“You’re excited, aren’t you? Don’t deny it,” Jungkook teased, stroking his member teasingly before setting you down on your back and hovering above you. 

“I want it,” you mumbled impatiently, getting excited with the thought of him fucking you until you can’t walk again. He chuckled at your reaction, slowly slipping himself inside you. You shrieked from the sudden movement and tried to make yourself comfortable even though this wasn’t new to you. 

“Alright baby, let’s go,” he said gruffly, slowly pulling out and slamming it back inside within the next five seconds. You let out a scream as he picked up the pace into the all-too familiar rough and fast one. 

“Damn, you’ve gotten way tighter since the last time I’ve fucked your brains out. Feels so good for Sir,” he groaned, his dick completely filling you warm and deep to the point where it could nearly reach your guts. “Does my baby like that? Like getting dicked down where I can feel her in your stomach?” “Ahh, oh my god!” You could only moan and whine in response, pathetic noises coming out of your mouth as Jungkook’s dick hit every surface of your pussy. His veins already made it even more pleasurable and you could feel the tip grazing upon your g-spot, making you even more sensitive. 

It hasn’t been long but embarrassingly, you could feel your orgasm arrive once again due to how good his dick was thrusting into you. As he continued to drill your abused cunt, you could feel your legs tremble at the sensitive feeling and the impending sensation of your orgasm starting to grow in your core. 

“S-sir, oh my god-” you mewled as Jungkook used his force to flip you on your stomach, your face covered in the pillows. You couldn’t feel him inside you for a second but suddenly, he slammed inside you with no remorse and continued fucking you at that fast pace. 

Your cunt throbs as you prepare yourself to cum all over his dick. Jungkook could sense it too by the way your walls started to tighten around him, making it even more pleasurable than the last time you two had sex due to how tight you were. You were praying that he doesn’t deny your orgasm again but there were times where he was that cruel. But you’ve behaved enough to not warrant that type of treatment. 

“Is my baby gonna cum now? Go on, come for me, I want to see you come undone on my dick,” he chanted lowly, his pace fastening due to his orgasm coming in soon. Like his words set off a reaction inside you, you screamed out his name and squirted on his dick and stomach. Using that as fuel to keep going, Jungkook thrusts even faster than before to catch his own high as you try to calm yourself down from your own orgasm. 

“Ahh, Jungkook-” you whined from the sensitivity but you kept holding on so he could cum too. The way his sweat dripped off of his forehead and complimenting with his dark locks nearly made you want to cum again. 

“Fuck, I’m cumming, oh shit,” he moaned out, his thrusts slowing down and surely enough, you could feel his dick spurt out his seed inside you. He started to pull out and stroke himself, spurts of his cum filling up your pussy to not waste a drop. 

You and him started to breathe heavily from the intense fuck as you gingerly pulled up the sheets to cover your body. It’s not like you were embarrassed of him seeing your body, it was a habit you did after you have sex with him.

“Did you miss me?” he smiled, lying down next to you and covering an arm around your waist. You nodded, snuggling up next to him on the neck of his crook. There weren't any words spoken from the both of you for a while, instead you were just enjoying the presence of him next to you because after today, he’ll be gone again. 

If you had it your way, you didn’t want him to go but he really wanted to participate in his boxing match and what kind of girlfriend were you if you didn’t support him? Still, you loved every moment with him and he was the one thing you absolutely loved in your life. 

After a moment of silence, Jungkook broke the silence by facing towards you with seriousness in his eyes. You were worried that something may have happened, so you braced yourself with the worst that could happen. But surprisingly, his words were a bigger shock than any other disaster you could think of. 

“Y/N, do you mind if I ask something of you? I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable or invasive.” “Sure, what is it?” You should’ve known from the cheeky smirk he gave you that he was going to request this type of stuff. 

“I want to see you touch yourself. I think you’ll look so hot fucking yourself with your fingers while all I’m doing is just watching you.” “What the hell?!” 

You were lying if you said you didn’t think about it a lot, especially since Jungkook left the house today this afternoon. Now that he wasn’t there, the apartment felt lonely again and you automatically missed him. 

However, the thought of him also brings you back to the conversation you had after you two had sex after a while. 

“You’ve never touched yourself? I figured that something like that would come easy to you!” “Well- you know I have dignity right! It’s already embarrassing enough that I’m your submissive!” 

“You’re right, it’s already hot seeing you act all whiny and needy for my touch.” “Shut up! Stop making fun of me!”

You shook your head, trying to get rid of Jungkook’s words. With the intent to clean your room to take some stuff out of your mind, you walked to the shared bedroom and started to rearrange random knick-knacks that were placed in peculiar locations. 

While you were wandering around, your eye caught sight of a black duffel bag that was in a hidden corner of your bed. With curiosity, you approached it to check to see what was inside. It was heavy and filled with boxing gloves and other equipment, meaning that it was Jungkook’s. 

He must’ve forgotten it when he left today, you mused, holding the glove to your chest. A normal person would immediately contact him and give it back but it was like a living piece of him, having its name and scent. You can’t believe you already miss him that much to hold onto his boxing gloves for some comfort. How pathetic. 

The smell of him already reminded you of yesterday, when he touched you and made you feel so good. You groaned to yourself as you feel your panties dampening just from the thought of Jungkook giving you pleasure. 

“Y’know what, it wouldn’t hurt to try, right? Alright Jungkook, I’ll do it,” you muttered to yourself as you slowly grazed your fingers to your lower region. You could already feel the slick coming out of your panties, signalling how wet you were. 

You were a smart person but frankly, you were confused on how to touch yourself especially since this was your first time. Memories of the way Jungkook inserted and thrusted his fingers inside you flashed through your mind, giving you an idea on how to start. 

You slide your panties off to your ankles and slowly insert your index finger inside of your core, letting yourself get familiar to your own fingers inside of you. It sure felt different than when Jungkook did it, it wasn’t enough to completely make you feel undone. You pumped another finger inside, giving you something inside at least but it was no better than Jungkook’s touch.

“Ahh, Jungkook,” you moaned softly, flicking your own clit with your fingers which makes the pleasure at least a bit better. You would rather have him with you but it was enough to fill up a small part of his absence. Remembering every time he fucked you harshly was enough to quicken your pace with your fingers, your walls clenching around them and your orgasm closely approaching. 

Your other hand groped your breasts, flicking your nipple and massaging them while the other was thrusting in and out of your needy cunt. You were completely in your own euphoria, the world completely fading away from you. Unfortunately for you, that euphoria is only short-lived. 

An annoying sound ran throughout your room, the culprit being your cell phone. You groaned with disappointment as you attempted to pry your fingers out of your pussy and your orgasm fading away with every time the ringtone chimed. 

With your slick-covered hands, you read the text and your blood started to run cold from the words that were displayed on the screen. 

[Jungkook ♡]

- Hi babe, I’m coming home bc I forgot my boxing bag.

- Sorry that this was sudden

- Actually, I’m outside the apartment rn

You’re fucked. Absolutely fucked. But lucky, you still had a minute to spare to make it seem like you weren’t doing anything. You put his boxing glove back in the bag and wobbled downstairs to the front door. The door locks started to jingle and you immediately opened them just for him to take his bag and go. You love him with all of your heart but now’s not the time to chat with him. 

“Hey Y/N, do you have my bag?” he asked across from you, looking as good as ever. You forced a smile and shoved his bag in front of your face.

“Yeah, it’s this one right? So, here it is so you can get going now! Goodbye!” you grinned, sweat dripping down your face. 

Jungkook looked puzzled on why you were acting that way but decided to go along with it. “O-okay, thanks.” 

“Of course! Now, you should get going now! Your boxing rehearsal isn’t going to wait forever, is it?” you chuckled, trying to push him out of the door but he didn’t budge. After taking a quick glance at you (more specifically your legs and the amount of slick dripping down), he decided to stay. 

“Woah, woah, there’s something going on. Let me in,” he said stubbornly, pushing against you to get inside the apartment.  

“What are you talking about? There’s literally nothing going on! You should go back to the boxing place!” you argued but he wouldn’t listen. Jungkook grabbed your hand and pulled you upstairs into the bedroom and set you down, looking straight into your eyes. You immediately blushed as his eyes held such confusion and hunger inside. 

“Don’t lie to me, only bad girls lie. So tell me baby, what exactly is going on?”

Surely he didn’t know right? You still have some time to lie because there’s no way he knows. 

“I was taking a nap before you texted me.” 

“Without your panties on and a shit ton of slick dripping down your thighs?” he asked with confusion, pulling up your skirt and revealing your soaking pussy, throbbing due to the atmosphere. At this point, you were absolutely stuck in a corner as Jungkook stared at the way you’re completely aroused. 

“Ahh, um..” “Are you cheating on me, Y/N?” His eyes were now full of sadness and hurt and you could immediately feel your heart start to break. 

“N-no! Of course not! I would never cheat on you, you’re the one who I love! It’s just because..” you tried to get the idea out of his head, holding his hands tightly. Jungkook’s face brightened up a bit before being replaced with suspicion.

“So, what’s up? What were you doing while I left?” There was absolutely no talking yourself out of this because Jungkook would find out either way at this point. But at least it’s better than making up a stupid lie, right? “I..um..remember how you said you wanted to see me touch myself yesterday?” “Of course.” “Well...I was doing that..” you mumbled with embarrassment, avoiding his eye contact. Jungkook’s ears picked up what you said and his face lit up with excitement and desire. 

“Say that again for me?” he smirked, loving how soft and shy you were now.   

“I..was touching myself while I was thinking of you,” you said a bit loudly but it was still so embarrassing. You had no idea why he was all so happy right now but it made you happy nonetheless.

“Do you think you can show me?” he grinned, staring up into your eyes. 

“What?! N-no! It’s private right? You see, it’s private for a reason! Now you got your bag and figured out why I was acting weird so you can go now!” you snapped, heat automatically filling up your body. 

“It’s okay, I can skip practice today. This is important, why didn’t you tell me?” “It’s not something I should tell you.” “Anyways, you’ve been a bad girl today. Touching yourself while thinking of me, you’re so naughty. So your punishment is to reenact what you did before I came back and I’m not leaving until I see you touch yourself. But don’t worry, if you need help then I’m always here,” Jungkook purred, his dominant persona on. You gulped down a lump down your throat but you weren’t ready to back down to him yet. 

“No I’m not! I’m not giving up my dignity just yet!” “Come on, little girl. I know you were fucking yourself like a little whore while you were gone. Did your tiny little fingers fill you up completely, better than my cock? I know you didn’t because even though you’re a whore, you’re still such a slut for my dick.” His dirty words made you even more turned on than normal with even more slick running down your thighs. You knew it was better to obey, especially since he’s talking like this. With that being said, you scooted yourself with the back of your head hitting the bed frame. After a minute of hesitation, you lifted up your skirt which revealed your whole pussy to him. Jungkook stared intently, noticing every little twitch that it made as it’s longing for something to be inside it and how wet it has become. His lips were curled into a smirk as your fingers started to graze over your folds. 

Taking a deep breath, you inserted two of your fingers to aid the throbbing in your core. It felt  different than when you did it before, maybe due to Jungkook staring at every little movement you made.

Despite your initial refusal, having him watch over you turned you on even more and the throbbing only continued to get worse after you slowly started to move your fingers. You didn’t know how much it turned you and him on, judging from his erection in his pants. 

“Ahh, oh my god,” you moaned, adding an additional finger and groping your boobs with your other hand.

Jungkook’s mouth was in shock, shocked at how you can look so sexy touching yourself even though it was your first time. His dick was begging to be released in his now tight sweatpants but just watching you like this was more than enough.

He’s never admitted it directly to you but surprisingly, he’s such a voyeur and seeing you wrecked with only your fingers or even a toy could make him cum as hard as him actually fucking you.

“J-Jungkook, please…” you mewled, rocking your hips against your small hands in an attempt to hit your g-spot, where only your boyfriend knows. 

By now, you’ve inserted your whole hand inside of your core and it still wasn’t as satisfying as Jungkook’s long fingers inside you. You should’ve been embarrassed that his vision was at you masterbating but frankly, you didn’t care anymore.

“Shit baby girl, just like that, fucking ruin yourself,” he grunted, slightly stroking his hardened member through his sweatpants. 

“I want your mouth on me,” you cried, slowly starting to feel the same ecstatic feeling of your release. The way his eyes were set on you alone brings you closer to your high as you’re practically grinding on your hand. 

Luckily, Jungkook heard your wish and immediately brought his face down to your core, taking your fingers out and licking your clit like there was no tomorrow. His face was completely buried with the goal of eating you out and getting your cum out of you. It wasn’t a thought that ever crossed your mind but you never realized how much better Jungkook made you feel and how the throbbing seemed to go away after he was with you. His face was absolutely covered in your juices and adding to his warm mouth were his long fingers. 

“You like that don’t you, you slutty little girl?” he hummed, the vibrations of his mouth making you even more closer to the edge. You gripped onto his arm tightly, your fingernails dragging along his muscles due to how much he was giving you. 

You felt his fingers curl against you, hitting your g-spot and bringing you closer to your climax. It felt too good and you were craving to be ruined by him. Jungkook stared at the way you were shoving his hand amongst your tight little cunt, grinding on it as you try to reach your high and the squelching sounds it made. 

Within seconds, you were close to your orgasm and you were trying to chase after it feverishly. His tongue and his fingers were too much for you, even though you received them last night. They made you feel so satisfied and full, always filling you up to the edge and the way he was hitting every spot nearly made you cream all over his fingers. 

Unfortunately for you, he immediately pulled his fingers and mouth away, completely denying you of releasing. The hot feeling and intensity disappeared instantly and was replaced by the familiar throbbing as you let out a groan of disappointment. This was the second time you’ve lost your orgasm and you just wanted to release on him once more. 

“Why did you stop? I was going to-” you growled, your face heating up due to the increased temperature inside. 

“You’re not going to cum when I’m away. Is that a rule you can follow?” he said sharply, licking every remain of your juices off his face and wiping the excess with a tissue. 

“W-why?” “Instead, I want you to send me a video touching yourself but not cumming until my match. Is that an order my little girl can do?” 

You absolutely hated the fact that you won’t be releasing for a while but you didn’t want to get him mad. All you can do is just accept your fate and nod. 

“There you go, don’t worry, I’m going to make you feel so good once I win,” he grinned, kissing you passionately. You could immediately taste yourself on his lips and felt his hardened member upon you. There were more things that the two of you would’ve done but he wouldn’t allow that to happen. 

“Well then, I’ll be off. You’ll behave, right?” he parted cheerily, grabbing his bag and leaving the apartment like he didn’t just completely ate you out and denied your orgasm for the second time. As you heard the door lock, you’re left with your skirt drenched from your juices and the aching feeling between your legs. 

Oh the things that Jungkook does to you. But what would happen if you gave him a little surprise during his boxing match. Surely, you weren’t that submissive and besides, it would be fun to tease him..

“You did great man!” Taehyung cheered, high-fiving Jungkook as soon as his match ended. He shared the same with a bunny-like smile and went inside the locker room to clean up to see you. Not only did he win but he’s going to be staying with you for a while now. 

With a bright spirit, he unlocked his locker and opened his phone to a text message from you. There was an attachment with a seemingly innocent message but once he opened the video, it only fueled his desire. 

[Y/N ♡]

- I miss you so much 

Inside of the video was you fucking yourself with your fingers, high-pitched and incoherent whimpers coming out of you and from the looks of it, it was like you’re about to reach your climax. 

Within the last few seconds, it cuts to you creaming all over the bed and licking your juices off of your fingers seductively with a cute wink at the end. All of that just to rile and tease him. 

Shit, the things that this girl does to me, Jungkook sighs, feeling his member starting to grow inside of his pants again. They were simple instructions yet you can’t obey properly. Maybe it was due to you being a brat and wanting to be put in your place again. 

Well, if there’s one thing that you and Jungkook know, is that you’ll certainly not walk the next day.

a/n: honestly, i’m not too proud of this but i hope you liked it regardless! let me know what you think and have a great day <3

#btsbookclub #kpopuniversenet #btswriterscollective #btswritingcafe #kafenetwork #magicshopnet #bts #jungkook #jeonjungkook #jungkook smut #dom jungkook #jungkook imagine #jungkook fanfictions #jungkook hot #jungkook scenarios #jungkook drabbles #bts fanfictions #bts smut #dom bts #private show

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

#ask #text #diary #personal #my art #miss