#if i didnt get pushed into social circles i could spend my entire life alone

[ofsunhillow]

im like narcissus but a girl

#i feel like im deeply and irreversively self centered. not that im a bad person. but that i just dont connect and dont want to #everything i think revolves around me what i am doing what i would say how i would react how i would move #and i repeat my own scene 100 times #i can spend hours looking at myself in the mirror but i dont #as if to stop myself from being so self centered. and i get in the shower and think about #hypothetical scenarios where i am talking to someone and i am saying things about me #i feel like an outside observer of people #if i didnt get pushed into social circles i could spend my entire life alone #i dont miss people. when i do what i miss is the entertainment i got from being with them #when i love someone i cant tell if its real or if im making myself believe i love them because accepting that i cant form attachments #would be too much. i would have a dull life. not because im lonely but because i would be bored #but am i thinking this because i actually feel this way. am i actually unable to get attached to people #or have i just convinced myself of that as some sort of weird repression #and thinking about this feels like a loop it feels like i will never get out of this way of thinking. because im just #thinking about how i think about how i think about how i think #and im not sure what it is exactly thats making me hate this #is it because i feel broken and deep inside i want connection? is that a desire i have #or do i hate it because i feel i am missing out on the human experience. i am very very afraid of missing out