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da-birb-writes-sometimes · 10 months

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TWST As Lines I've Written/Said

Content Warning: Shitpost, suggestiveness(idk?) & swearing

Author's Note: These are either things I've said, or things that I've written down but haven't used... yet, might use them in the future, might not. Feel free to guess which is which.

Let the shenanigans begin!

Yuu, upon entering TWST

Yuu: “I’m motivated by spite and getting the fuck out of this damned place!”

Crowley: “This damned place just so happens to be my school!”

Yuu: “Yeah? Well, guess what Mr. Mystery Man, I fucking hate it here!”

Crowley: “Rude.”

Typical Ace Behaviour

Yuu: “Behave, my friends are coming over.”

Ace: “Weird. I didn’t know you were capable of having those.”

Yuu: “You know what? You can go out and wait on the fire escape until they leave if you want to act like that.”

Capitalism Isn't Attractive

Deuce: “Do not fall for the pretty man with the fancy clothes!”

Yuu: “Why not? He’s hot as fuck.”

Deuce: “... He’s a capitalist.”

Yuu: “THAT WHORE!”

Pissy Kitty

Leona: “Great, you again.”

Yuu: “I’m thrilled to see you too, asshole.”

Floyd, just Floyd

Floyd: “Why not?”

Yuu: “Unlike you, I don’t want to die!”

Floyd: “Boo, you’re lame.”

Yuu Needs a Raise

Yuu: “My therapist will be thrilled to hear about this revelation.”

Everyone: “What’s a therapist?”

Why Are You Like This?

Vil: “You are a blithering buffoon.”

Yuu: “Takes one to know one.”

Vil: “...Listen here you little piece of -”

Cryptid Hours

Yuu: *walks into room to find Idia sitting in the dark, facing the corner* “Did the voices win today?”

Idia: “Undecided.”

Yuu: “Okay then, let me know if that changes. Since I would like a headstart before you go all *insert demon noises* on me.”

After Any Overblot

Yuu: "I feel like a baked potato." *passes out*

The Adventures of Malleus

Malleus: “Tell me, Child of Man; do humans typically court through the acquiring and displaying of fish?”

Yuu: “Why?”

Malleus: *has been secretly using your phone for research and found himself on Tinder* “Just curious is all.”

Yuu: “... No, it’s not typical.”

Malleus: “Alright then, noted.”

Dear Professor Vargas, I regret to inform you that your attempts to woo a potential mate through your acquiring of fish may not be successful. And does the "DILF" shorts mean, "Darling, I Love Fish?" ... Asking for a friend. Sincerely, Malleus Draconia

Octopus Eyesight

Yuu: “Do you have astigmatism?”

Azul: “Do I have what?”

Yuu: “Astigmatism, like when you look at lights at night do you see lines? Since you have weird ass pupils.”

Azul: “...wait, that isn’t normal?”

Should I Be Nervous?

Yuu: “Have you ever been overcome with the lust for broccoli?”

Trey: ". . ."

Yuu: *squints, thinking* “Break glass in case of sudden lust for broccoli...”

Trey: "Should I leave?"

A Question to Ponder

Yuu: “Why do fictional men slap so hard? Like damn.”

Riddle: “Because they are not real and do not come with any of the negative consequences that often come with real men, also you can better idealize them… And anime, ‘Makes you go brrrrr,’ as you put it.”

College Life

Rollo: “I am running off 3 hours of sleep and a single croissant, do not test me.”

Baby Talk

Rook: “Ah, bonjour chatton!" *proceeds to babytalk to the cat in French*

Yuu's Type

Yuu: “I have 4 types; wet cat, malewife, girlboss, and whore." tag yourself

Crewel: "... You need to focus on your grades, not on some mutts."

What Do You Have?

Jamil: "What's that?"

Kalim: *hiding a cat that he stole from outside* "Uhhh, my love for you?"

Jamil: *annoyed* "Put it back outside, Kalim."

Kalim: *puts the cat in his face* "BUT LOOK AT THEM!! THEY BABEY!!!!"

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chicademartinica · 5 months

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My brain purred in pleasure while watching the trailer because of THREE things :

Believe you me Mhok has wanted to wake Day up by dripping his wait hair all over him and screaming like a rooster.That’s what you do to your family (his sister Im sure) and to your lover. Every trace of professionalism is gone ans he is not scared to annoy Day.

BABEY? AS IN TEERAK ? BABY ??!!!!!! This man is hands off the handlebars trying to woo Babyboy. He’ll marry him and find another job.

Soft pink milk shirt of love

Bonus : yeah Day used to smash his teammate ? Friend ? But we knew that.

#last twilight #last twilight the series #mhokday #jimmysea #aof noppharnach

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slimslamflimflam · 8 months

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WOO YEAH BABEY MORE SILLIES !!!!!!!!

#YIPPEEEEEEEE I GET TO DRAW LITERALLY ANYONE FROM DIU AGAIN I LOVE ALL THE SILLIES #many thanks for the request!! first time doodling koichi AND tonio woah #okuyasu the silly. the creature. the beloved #jjba #okuyasu nijimura #koichi hirose #tonio trussardi #my art !! :]#asks !! :]#<— technically a request than an ask but thats ok!!!!

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things-about-cars-in-posts · 7 months

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twas a '98 polo green de ville. its so pretty bro

See? Shows what I know!

I went and checked, by the way, because that seemed exactly like the right car in the right period of time, and indeed, all De Villes made from 1996 were equipped with the Northstar V8.

I made roughly this face.

To make a long story short, someone at Cadillac saw the legendarily good LS V8 they freely had available as part of General Motors and thought "You know what we should do? Spend an absolute fortune to develop a V8 of our own that fulfills exactly the same purpose". And apparently the people sensible enough to run the place were all on vacation, because lo and behold, we got the Northstar V8, a Cadillac-only V8 that was supposed to tell the world that Cadillac is still bangin', babey! We're not just throwing GM parts together here, we're putting in effort and making something serious, something unique, something Cadillac! Something whose together-keeping threads just shear off after a while. Woo, Cadillac. You were so brave for this one.

But since I don't wanna be all negative, let me tell you about what "98 polo green" made me think about!

In 1996, the Volkswagen Polo was coming out with new colors! And they were like "Let's show the motor show audiences our new colors in a fun, captivating way!" and so they made a Polo out of pieces of all the new colors!

And then they got a FLOOD of dealers shouting WE WANT THIS NOW and they were like "Oh all these new colors are coming in-" and they were like NO we want THIS and they were like "Ah Sheiße" (fuck) and so they begrudgingly took a set of four cars of four different colors off the production line, swapped their body panels around to create the color combinations you see below, and kept repeating the process until they got one entire thousand of Polo "Harlekin"s.

Which vaporized off the lot before they could say "That ought to be enough" in German (and in German it's just 5 syllables so that's saying something), so they upped the production to around 3800 total, which were sold over two years without letting the customers pick the color combination they got.

They also did this to the Golf for the US market (now spelling it 'Harlequin'), but they only made 264 and some of them had to be un-harlequin'd by reshuffling the different colored parts back into four uniformly colored cars (and sometimes just straight up repainted) to be moved off the lot. And they say it's Germans who lack sense of humor.

But I know what you are wondering - or at least, what you will react to with "fuck that's actually a very good question" upon reading: what the fuck do these cars' documents say under "color"? The answer is actually pretty logical (these are German cars after all): the car was one single color when it rolled off the production line, and while they bolted parts of different colors onto it, that color remains in the non-replaceable elements like roof, sills, rear pillar, and all the inside parts like door seams, engine bay, underside and what have you - so that is the color the car legally is.

So yeah man there's your fun facts about the Cadillac De Ville.

Links in blue are posts of mine explaining the words in question - if you liked this post, you might like those!

#btw the northstar was cool when it worked and polo green is a GREAT color #cadillac de ville #northstar v8 #volkswagen polo harlekin #volkswagen golf harlequin

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abeterger · 1 year

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quick doodle i did last night to get my designing skills warmed up. houghhghg This Guy. These Songs. Yeah babey woo yeah yeah woo-

#chonnys charming chaos compendium #cccc #chonny jash heart #cj heart #the heart acoustic #my art #had alot of fun coloring this but u can tell i was gettin sleepy around doing shading oops

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girlballs · 3 months

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOOO HAPPY WOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOOO BALLS DAY WOOOO YEA BABY HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!! MABEL !!!! WOOOO O YEA BALLS BABEY BALLS BIRTH !!!! BIRTH BALLS DAY MABEL !!! MABEL BIRTH DAY !!! YEAH!!! BALL HAPPY MABEL BIRTH !!!! DAY ! YEAH BABEY BIRTHDAY TODAY BABY YEAH FUCK YEA BABY MABEL BIRTHDAY GIRLBALLS TUMBLR USER BIRTHDAY WOO YEAH BABY FUCK!

HI LILITH THANK YOOOUUU

#asks #yuri-goth

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problemnyatic · 1 year

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honestly I think if you were to show someone from the middle ages modern music like there’d perhaps be a little culture shock but they’d appreciate it. idk man people are just people and always have been but also I need to be sure you’re imagining this. Are you imagining it. They’re getting into the groove now. Music that sounds quite like this is new to them but yeah look at that they get it!!! it’s a bop!!! They’re dancing they’re grooving woo yeah babey haha fuck yeah!!! lookit em go :) Thank you for sharing this with me. peace and love on lplanet eart. :)

#problemnyatic thoughts #ive had a little bit to drink can you tell.

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alloutofgoddesses · 3 months

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PJO TV Thoughts

S1,E6

(There will be book mentions/spoilers)

Can’t lie to y’all im on my second week of this semester and already just so eepy

Okay the first line does tell you exactly what’s happening in this dream but I was so confused by it being Percy’s headmaster from Yancy

Anyway omg I swear you can see Luke in the reflection like it’s gonna be so obvious it’s not Clarisse on rewatches

WE GOT “Little Hero”

Cracker Barrel! What o would give to eat at a Restaurant rn

A SECOND SEAWEED BRAIN HAS HIT THE PERCABETH TOWERS

(I am aware others have made that joke)

Omg hi Luke

Good not being sus Luke

ARREST HER?!?! Percy wtf

Luke I’m positive you would know what Ares is like

OOP if Luke picks up on it IMMEDIATELY…

The episode is titled “A Zebra Takes Us To Vegas” AND WE INLY GET A SECOND OF A ZEBRA ON SCREEN?!?!

Anybody else see the Geia fashion billboard or just me

Way to be obvious about it

“I had a premonition that we fell into a rhythm/where the music don’t stop for life” I think that Levitating was chosen WITH INTENTION for these lyrics only

ODYSSEY MENTION

Graphic novels do count

ODYSSEUS MENTION

Oh besties… the lotus eaters have upgraded darlings

WISE GIRL WISE GIRL WEE WOO WEE WOO IT’S HAPPENING EVERYONE STAY CALM

The fact that they haven’t shown Grover eating garbage yet… cowards. COWARDS.

I do think that them knowing takes tension out of it but they think that it’s okay unless they eat something

CASTELLAN LORE ALREADY

A Saytr?? I’m saying that TV screen image is a sun so APOLLO MENTION

A gay satyr?!!! The subtext

Oh? I’m compelled certainly what kind of magic does the Lotus have to convince satyrs Pan is there

DREAM TALK

Like you can see extras wearing dated clothes but it’s just not the same

Also I’m waiting for others to find the di Angelos, I know I’m not gonna be able to find anything

(If they cut it out I will lose it)

Are the employees also under the spell? I would have to assume so

Uh oh Grover is forgetting

HE’S HERE

The way his face fell… I’m afraid LMM is eating as Hermes

BTW I saw someone say LMM was a bad choice as Hermes because canonically Hermes has the most children and they don’t think LMM is sexy enough for that… girlie do you not remember what happened when Hamilton came out be SO FOR REAL

At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to seperate actor from character but he’s doing such a good job that’s Hermes I’m sorry (no I’m not)

ORPHEUS MENTION (I’ve helped others [get into the Underworld] before)

Are the fields Italy? Once again folks I’m not gonna be able to find it so I’m reaching out to

Someone looks back I’m guessing

Oh babey the lore the tension

HEY WHAT WAS THAT

My guess is something to do with Gabe or as one brilliant Twitter user said, Percy’s first time at boarding school

YEAH ANNABETH MOVE BABY YOU DON’T DESERVE THAT

(Also how the fuck can Hermes do that)

Sure buddy see you next season

“This was all just a waste of time. We don’t have time to waste.” Oh Annabeth I’m so sorry for what you’re about to learn

I love all the helmets and stuff really lets you know what’s going on

Oh noooooo oh boy oh buddy oh wow that hurt

Sorry he’s making Hermes feel so empathetic which is exactly how he is in the books. He’s good!

OOP

Were those the di Angelos? They were brunette and small (still reaching)

Oh so that’s why they mentioned days earlier I see

HIS KEYS?

Are George and Martha on there are they wondering what’s happening

CENTRAL AIR BABEY

Oh no Percy’s forgetting too

Just rip him out and leave besties

Oh geez they’re never leaving at this rate

Damn there’s that fatal flaw again Percy

RIP Grover playing a human hunter game I will never forget you

Annabeth it was good it really was but you’re right. He is the god of thieves.

Oh boy now we know why they let him drive though

Me when I first started learning how to drive standard

Just in case you forgot Percy is a New Yorker

Oh NO bestie got distracted looking at the princess (his words not mine though I agree) next to him

NO DON’T TURN OFF THE LIGHT I WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING

What did I just say. What is happening on screen

Oh boyyyyyy

He’s just three apples tall

Oh it’s so much worse underwater

SEAWEED HAIR

Wait… were AFTER the summer solstice? WHY

Exactly Percy you gotta finish it

YEEAHHHHHHH

Four?!?! What about ‘you will fail to save what matters most in the end?’ He better lose one I stg

Next ep trailer

Okay so who’s eye is in the credits what do we think

Crusty’s!

Desert and terrible forest?

Okay yeah he definitely loses one or uses one to trick someone or something he said said “you guys leave with my mom”

Oh wait what if he uses it on Crusty… Disney let Percy actually be violent

SWORD FIGHT NEXT EP? At least the beginning

HOLD FAST MOM OHHHHHHHHH OUCH

BONUS: Hermes in cat form

#if you scroll to the end there’s a surprise :)#it’s not spoilers I promise it’s just a cute pie #PJO tv #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians

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em-writes-stuff-sometimes · 9 months

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Oooh, I loved the ask about what Daemon would do if Babey had a crush or a potential (serious) suitor. I laughed way harder than I should’ve had at the Divorce Rock ™️

I think your hypotesis of Daemon trying to manipulate Babey is completely accurate, I feel like first he would manipulate her into choosing him (woo her, try to have her mistrust her other suitor, maybe even manipulate the circumstances into making the guy look bad) and if it didn’t work we would totally try to force a scandal so they would HAVE to marry (after all, that’s what he did with Rhaenyra, but he would made sure it worked this time)

Eyyyyy, thank you lol. Daemon does like a good ol' rock to the head. I totally think he'd have no qualms taking out any of his 'opponents', so to speak.

What I don't think Daemon really sorta gets is that in gevivys, he kinda is grooming/manipulating Babey. She's an impressionable young girl with very little practical experience with men beyond the vague notion that she must someday marry one; Daemon comes in with all this vigour in "courting" her which he disguises as avuncular affection in an attempt to evade notice. He gives her things, spends time with her, makes her feel valuable in a way that the men who she knows are courting her do not, because they see her as a means to an end; that is, to infusing their own bloodline with royal stock and gaining connections to power. The lines blur, and so she is hurt when she realises his behaviour is motivated by some ulterior goal after all. What she doesn't realise, though, is that he's not necessarily motivated by the desire for power, but rather desire for that puss-ay. Whole different ball game, lol.

And then, failing that, he'd probs choose to engineer a scandal, yeah. She's awfully gullible, after all. Wouldn't be too hard to either lure her into a situation wherein it looks like she's done some inappropriate stuff with Uncle Daemon - stuff that would require a hasty marriage to tidy the rumours and hearsay away - or worse, actually get her to sleep with him for realz. There's less obstacles, too, because Babey's only a second daughter AND Daemon is unattached, so there's really no reason for objection beyond the King's personal vendetta, thus essentially pitting Viserys's distrust of his brother against Viserys's desire to ensure his daughter's welfare. What wins out - suspicion or care? He's banking on care. Besides, if his brother still refuses, he'll just sneak Babey out of the Keep and marry her by force. If she's preggo by the time the King's men find them, ain't nothing anyone can do about it. It's a done deal: Daemon - 1, Viserys - 0.

Lol, sorry I rambled. Had some thoughts, teehee!

#fanfiction comments

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one-coming-is-enough · 7 months

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jesus bro you good ???

Hahaha why wouldn't I be good. I'm Jesus. I can't not be Good. I'm the definition of Good.

I'm.. fine. Just fune..chillenb

In my lane. Flourishing. Mustardized. I'm bothered.

Stressful situations like this is what I'm live for. My middle name is J for Jacked, Jammin' and Just Fine. Blessings flow from my fingahs like watuuuhhhh, baby! I'm in The Zoooooone!

Yeah, don't worry bout Me, you worry bout yo'self.

You doubtin Me? Don't doubt Me, babey. That be a sin. Woo-huh.

Nyah nyah! *bops around making little punching gestures* Watch out for the champ! Comeback kid!

aaahhh

#good omens rp

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tt-squid · 11 months

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WOO HELL YEAH BABEY!!!

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duck-in-a-spaceship · 8 months

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The Post Break-Up Box of Shame

WOO chapter two babey. This is it for this one, there's not gonna be a chapter three, but I might tack on some extra scenes! Tell me if there's anything else you want to see with this concept!!

Summary: Crowley's car is throwing fit, and the lesbians are here to save the day. As if he's going to let them.

Word Count: 2501

<<Previous

+++

Chapter 2: Some Bloody Conspiring

“Oh my, we were wondering if you two would be back,” Maggie was approaching him fairly rapidly, and Crowley made it his mission to approach the Bentley rapidly-er. “What on earth happened? Are you alright?”

“Oh yeah, just peachy.” The door of the Bentley, which usually swung right open on his arrival, was suddenly stuck. “Come on you little- oh here, take this.” Crowley shoved the box of plants at her, and Maggie struggled to grab onto them in time, lurching forwards slightly to take hold.

“Careful!” she insisted, adjusting her grip on the plants so they didn’t fall.

“Right, yep, sorry about that. Would you stop throwing a fit?”

“Excuse me! I’m-”

“Oh not you,” Crowley told her, waving a hand dismissively. “This blasted door won’t open. Although, while you’re here, we should have a little chat- aha!” The door to the Bentley suddenly popped open, and Crowley cheerfully swung it aside.

“Yes, I wanted to talk to you too, actually.” Maggie offered out the plants to him, and Crowley took them, shoving them in the backseat.

“Right, right. Yeah, Muriel, the new angel at the bookshop? They’ve got no clue what they’re doing, quite frankly, when it comes to human things, so you really don’t have to worry about rent. She tried to get me to take it to Aziraphale, but obviously he doesn’t need it either-”

“Yes, Aziraphale, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“-so you can just hang on to it,” Crowley continued, completely ignoring her attempted interjection. He shut the door of the Bentley. “In fact you could probably go get what you already gave her, just tell her I said it was alright or something, tell them it’s some sort of human thing.”

“Crowley, I’m not really worried about the rent. I mean, thank you and all but… well but really I just wanted to talk to you?”

He reached out past her to open the door of the Bentley, which would preferably be followed by the steps of getting in the driver’s seat and speeding away. Ideally with some Queen playing, not any of that loverboy nonsense, but some good old Bohemian, or a ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ for the road. All of this was prevented by the fact that the door would. Not. Budge.

“Why?” he asked her sharply, tugging on the handle. “Have some more winning advice to give?”

Maggie winced, looking at Crowley pitifully as he continued to struggle with his car. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well then?”

“No.”

“Well… well what happened? Maybe it’s not all a lost cause, you know?”

Crowley scoffed, gave up on the handle to turn and face her. “Not a lost cause, right. Hey, just wondering, have you seen him at that bookshop lately? Or anywhere, really? Nah, right? Seems lost to me.” He rapped on the window. “Do you at least want to open this, or are you going to continue to be difficult?”

He mostly expected the Bentley to stay quiet, maybe a small part expected the window to indeed roll down. What Crowley was not expecting was for slow, soft classical music to start playing from the speakers. “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

“Hey!” some passerby shouted.

“Yeah, hey to you!” Crowley shouted back, looking up to see Nina crossing the street towards him. Maggie waved. He groaned. “Hello Nina, do you have anything large and heavy I could use to break-”

“No! I’m not going to help you throw your little tantrum out here.”

“Oh alright. Oh- great, thank you for that.” Crowley walked away, heading to try the trunk of the Bentley, which Maggie and Nina used as an opportunity to conspire.

“What’s gotten into him?” Crowley heard Nina ask, not at all quietly.

“Well,” Maggie started, at the very least trying to whisper. “He said it didn’t go well, when he tried to talk to Aziraphale.”

“Oo, what happened then?”

“I don’t know, he won’t say anything else about it.”

“Well, I suppose there’s nothing we can do then, hm?”

“Oh Nina, we can’t just ignore him. I know you know how rough heartbreak is, we should help him out.”

Crowley muttered a string of curse words at the Bentley, turning to whatever languages he fancied after he ran out of English ones. Nina sighed loudly enough for him to hear, and probably for all of heaven to hear as well.

“Crowley!” she shouted.

“What?” he demanded. The Bentley was still, no matter how hard he tried, refusing to let him in.

“You want to come inside and have something to drink?”

“Nah, I’m good. Was just heading out, really.”

Maggie leaned to look over at him. “Seems like it’s still jammed. Maybe you should call someone, and come inside while you wait,” she offered.

Crowley sighed, leaning against the Bentley, fingers tapping against the side of the car. “You,” he muttered to it. “You are going to have to pay for this later, you understand?” The classical music fell on a slow decrescendo until it stopped completely. Crowley tried the door again. No luck. “Yeah,” he called over to Nina and Maggie. “Yeah, alright, lead the damned way.”

===

Crowley stared at the ceiling of the record shop, eyes scanning over the various posters pasted there. His fingers were loosely curled around a mug of coffee and bourbon (although it could really be more accurately described the other way around) where his hand was splayed on the rug next to him. It was a nice rug, really, good and soft, so long as you ignored the headache-inducing waves of color and design.

“Well… I think that was awfully brave of you,” Maggie finally spoke up, finishing the silence that followed his sad little tale.

“Yeah, real brave,” Crowley agreed sarcastically. “Not brave enough though, was it? Cuz he still ran off to heaven.” He dragged a hand down his face and let it muffle his speech. “Couldn’t seem to get away fast enough.”

Another silence, during which he didn’t bother to look over and see what Maggie and Nina were doing. Probably more bloody conspiring. He understood their frustrations now, with all the poking around in their love like (necessary as it was). Now that the roles were all flipped, he’d very much just like to be left alone.

“Well, maybe he just needs some time. I mean, Maggie and I are still figuring things out, taking things nice and slow, because I just ended things with my old partner. Maybe after all of your heaven and hell nonsense, he just needs a bit of a break.”

“Then he would’ve taken a little break instead of running off to be the archangel of heaven.”

“I know but-” Maggie tried to intervene, but Crowley had actually decided he had more to say on that matter, unfortunately enough.

“Heaven!” he exclaimed, sitting up suddenly, bringing the mug with him as he stood, half-full contents sloshing around. “I know he’s always had a soft spot for the bastards, but I thought we were moving on from the heaven = good, hell = bad nonsense. They’re all homicidal idiots, you know?”

Crowley spun around to face Nina and Maggie, unfortunately spilling a bit of his drink onto the aforementioned carpet. Ah well, probably no one would notice. They were both staring at him with blank confusion.

“Alright,” Maggie started, with enough forced optimism Crowley could tell she really had to hype herself up for this conversation. “Alright, we might not know much about heaven and hell and archangels and what all that entails, at least not as much as we might have thought, but we do know at least a little bit about relationships and you two need to talk.”

Nina nodded sharply. “Can’t solve anything if you aren’t on the same page. Or the same planet for that matter. Not entirely sure where heaven is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not here.”

“It’s not,” Crowley confirmed, leaning back on one of the record shelves. “Don’t worry,” he added glumly.

“Right, well since you seem to know where it is-”

“I’m a demon!” Crowley interrupted, spreading his arms out with dramatic flourish. More of his drink splashed onto the carpet below, which earned him a glare from both Niana and Maggie, so he waved a hand to miracle it away. “I can’t just go waltzing up to heaven just because I fancy a little chat with my mates, now can I?”

(Crowley, of course, very much could do this. He’d proved as much when he put on a very nice outfit, commandeered an angel turned police officer, and poked around in all their stuff. However, he was hoping Nina and Maggie would sort of just take his word on it, because he was really trying to drop this particular conversation topic.)

“Well I don’t know!” Nina exclaimed, and Crowley got the sense that they were getting a bit fed up with all this angel-demon nonsense. He’d drink to that– he was getting pretty fed up with it himself. “I don’t know if you can, I’m not particularly sure what an archangel is, or who this metatron fellow is, or what exactly happened at the meeting, or what has even been going on. I have no goddamn clue. But what I do know is that you and Aziraphale are clearly head over heels for each other, practically married, and you need to get up off your asses and do something about it.”

Crowley took a sip from his cup, drained the whole thing actually, and then placed it on one of the shelves, carefully balanced. He’d been gearing himself up for a good shout, because if Nina got one, then he felt like he’d more than earned it. Unfortunately, standing on that ugly, but very comfortable carpet, leaning against shelves packed tight with unsold records, looking over at the two of them, Crowley found he wasn’t feeling very shout-y. Just plain wasn’t in the mood for it, much as he’d like to be.

“I think it’s a bit too late for that.”

Apparently no one had anything else they wanted to add.

Crowley tapped his shoe on the floor, wondered if the Bentley would be out of its mood if he decided now would be the time to drive away. He really just wanted to take a long, long nap.

“So, um, what are you going to do now?”

That was a good question, sadly enough. Crowley was getting tired of good questions; he wanted some real shitty ones. Muriel was good at asking shitty questions, maybe he should go talk to them again.

Instead he pulled his glasses off, rubbed his hand across his forehead, and looked up to the ceiling. “Dunno,” he said. “Sort of had a plan there with- we were the plan, you know? We were always the plan. For the last couple of millennia, we had our own side. And then if there was nothing else to do, hell usually kept me busy enough. Now there’s just a whole bunch of bloody nothing.”

Crowley decided then and there that he didn’t care if the Bentley was ready for him, he just needed to get out of that record shop. He shoved his glasses back on. “Then again, I’ll figure it out, don’t really have much of a choice I suppose.” Crowley headed for the door, turning his back on them as soon as he could. They started conspiring immediately, he could tell, but they were getting good enough at it that he had no clue what they actually said.

“Crowley, wait!” Maggie called, just as his hand was on the door. Gah, so close.

“What?” he demanded, or well, half a demand, half a whine, as he turned around.

“Well, I was just thinking, since Aziraphale is, um, taking a little break from Earth right now, and Muriel doesn’t really know what they’re doing, maybe you should help run the bookshop.”

Crowley snorted. “Yeah, for sure. Real bookshop-ist, I am. Now, I’ve really got to get going, you know. Plants to water, ducks to feed-”

“Oh come on now,” Nina interrupted. She crossed her arms, just to prove some point. Crowley wasn’t really sure what it was, but he was pretty sure it was working anyway. “I’m sure you know all the little particularities Aziraphale had about the place. And someone has to make sure no one actually sells the books, right?”

Crowley considered that for a moment. Sure, he’d already told Muriel that she wasn’t actually operating the kind of bookshop that sold things, but that could only go so far. And he hadn’t even gotten around to mentioning the organization system, or how you had to treat books so you didn’t mess them all up, or what was off-limits and what wasn’t, and someone was going to need to replace the fire extinguishers every so often.

“Yeah, alright, I’ll think on it,” Crowley said, trying to convey in tone how much he was not going to think on it. (He was absolutely going to think on it.) “But if that’s all…” he trailed off, giving either of them the chance to interrupt. “Great, see ya around, thanks for the drinks.”

They both waved as he finally opened the door, each calling after him with their own goodbyes.

“Drive safe!”

“Stop by sometime.”

And as the door swung shut, Crowley looked over his shoulder to see they were already, indeed, conspiring.

===

The Bentley sat waiting for Crowley when he got back, and the door opened without a single threat, which was a welcome surprise. “Well, thank you, you dick,” he muttered softly. Crowley slid into the driver’s seat, and slammed it shut.

He just sat there for another moment. The plants were probably throwing a fit in the backseat, not at all happy to be back in the car after adjusting nicely to their cushy bookshop life. Crowley drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, stared out at the road, watched as the rain began to trickle down. It left misty drops on the windshield, like stars, like alpha centauri, like the pillars of creation, like all those galaxies, oh so long ago.

Crowley groaned, let his forehead slam into the steering wheel. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the glovebox pop open, and out spilled a wave of caramel candies. “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered, straightening back up. “I get it. I…” he sighed. “I miss him too, you sensitive old sot.” He sighed, dragged a hand down his face. “Alright, come on.”

The bell over the door rang out cheerfully, announcing Crowley’s entrance into the bookshop. Unsurprisingly, not much had changed since he was last there. Muriel peaked out from behind a shelf, their two hats still wobbling precariously on their head. “Oh, hi Crowley!”

Crowley put down his box of plants, and looked over at them. “Muriel, great.” He cleared his throat, grinned at her. “I’d like to apply for a job.”

#good omens #good omens 2 #fanfiction #duck writes #ao3 #i love making the bentley an actual character #it misses its other dad :(((((#again i might write a little follow up to this #i like the idea of muriel sitting crowley down and forcing him to do a job interview #before they're willing to 'hire' him #“i'd like to apply for a job”#“okay great! i'll see when i can fit you in for an interview!”#“what”#crowley's like YOU KNOW ME???#and muriel is offended he thinks she'd show FAVORITISM

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