#without the story parts bc i didn't write those myself

[teddyfmd]

solo_001 / audiobook recording

the morning finds teddy in the recording studio. this room, unlike the dancing studio, is one he is awfully familiar with, having spent more time between these walls than any others within the dimensions building and, as he takes a second to really look at his surrounding, something he hasn’t really done before, not in a long while at least, the realization that he is not here to sing this time around slowly settles in. it’s a weird feeling, this difference in expectations, a rather welcomed one considering that almost every solo project he’s ever done had something to do with music. it’s refreshing to not have the pressure of singing well or conveying the right emotions at all times weighing down on his shoulders for a change, but more than that, it’s nice to be doing something else.

the contemplation leaves him with little time for preparation and, when the sound engineer comes back and, seconds later is joined by the director, teddy takes his place in the booth, headphones in place on his ears and, as he’s given the signal, he starts to read with a steady voice. 

“once upon a time there lived a dog that was very good at hiding his emotions. the dog was tied beneath a shade tree. he always wagged his tail and acted cutely, so he got the name ‘the cheerful dog’, because he was as cheerful as springtime.” 

as he dives into reading the second paragraph, teddy is suddenly overcome with a coughing fit, the result of his saliva taking a wrong turn down his throat. he quickly signals the director, one hand lightly gesticulating for a free moment whilst he uses the other to cover his mouth. the moment doesn’t last long and, after he manages to take a few gulps of water to settle his voice and make sure he can breathe properly, teddy makes sure to offer plenty of apologeting bows towards the people working with him. the panic settles in early in spite of their reassuring nods and thumbs ups and all he can think about is the fact that he’s messed up, that he’s jeopardizing his chance at more projects in the future, that he is not giving his all even in a simple project like this. it’s the mean voice at the back of his head that prompts these kinds of thoughts, the one that sounds suspiciously similar to his mother, the one that no matter how much he tries teddy, can’t quite get rid of for good. 

the director motions for the start of the recording again, but his head is not into it and as he starts reading again, his voice makes the fact crystal clear for everyone present. 

“the dog always had lots of fun with the village kids during the day, but every night he’d moan and whine when no one was around. that’s because he wanted to cut off the leash and freely run around out in the spring field. however, he couldn’t. and that’s why he cried every night.” 

“let’s take a quick 5 minute break and clear our head, alright?” the sound director doesn’t meet teddy’s eyes, either because he doesn’t want to or because he sympathizes, the singer doesn’t know and doesn’t linger around for long enough to find out. he excuses himself and immediately makes his way to the bathroom, frustration coating his every step as he arrives in the vicinity of the sink and, while the faucet splashes his hands with cold water, teddy takes a long, hard look at himself in the mirror. it lasts but a few seconds and his expressions betrays nothing. it’s the same face he always sees while getting ready in the morning, the same bland stare he is familiar with save for the eyes, deep, dark brown and full of agitation, the sole mirror to his soul. teddy doesn’t like what he sees in them. he quickly dips his head, absent-mindedly washing his face before drying it, quickly making his way back to the recording booth afterwards.

he takes a big gulp of air before recording starts anew. this time teddy doesn’t feel as troubled as before though the previous good mood he’d sported previously doesn’t come back fully. the admonishing voice in the back of his head doesn’t seem to be present anymore, though he’s sure it’ll make a comeback soon enough. and so, without thinking too much about it, teddy delves into the task at hand with as steady a voice as he can muster, doing his best to deliver a good performance.

“one day, a voice inside him asked the cheerful dog, ‘hey, why don’t you cut off the leash and run away?’ the cheerful dog said ‘i’ve been tied up for way too long, so i forgot how to cut myself free.”

#famedscheduleq222 #&& solo; #just me trying to nudge teddy into doing more stuff don’t mind me lmao #i took the story from ‘it’s okay to not be okay’ bc that’s one of my fav kdramas and the 1st thing that popped into my head #when i first read that part of the schedule #wtf tumblr only 140 characters in a tag?? #smh #anyway lmao kinda hating this kinda not but like #i figured if i’m in my ‘hating my writing with a passion’ era at least i should do more of it #so i'll at least have something to hate am i right #i rant too much in tags oml i'm sorry #wc: 665 #without the story parts bc i didn't write those myself

[threelionsgirl]

karma is my boyfriend| mason mount

part II of better with me

summary: y/n and mason finally arrive in cancun with y/n having to make a serious decision; while trying to understand her feelings for mason warnings: none word count: 1.760 notes: it's been a long time since i've posted anything, this was a sequel that i've been writing for a while, i even thought about posting it on wattpad bc i really like the plot, but i don't know, do you want a sequel? let me know!!! also i wanted to say that english isn't my first language so sorry for the mistakes, not reviewed (ignore the title too, I couldn't think of anything better

After just over two hours of pure sex with Mason, Y/N had decided that this was the best way to travel by plane, but she wasn't iron either. She was exhausted, and he wasn't much different either. For the rest of the time, realising they had no choice, they silently agreed to raise a peace flag, at least until the plane landed. They were still sharing that small sofa, but decided to put on some warmer clothes while the same blanket covered them. Y/N had discovered that she could occupy the same seat with Mason without fighting with him or fucking him… She hadn't felt that sensation since… Since they were 15, when things started to change between them and a part of her, however small, missed her friend. "So why didn't you break up with him?" Mason asked. They had been talking for a while about trivial things, and that was one of his biggest doubts. The low light and the cold climate made the atmosphere of the plane pleasant for that. He had one arm under her body and his Serbian bicep as a pillow to support her head. "Him who?" "Your boyfriend, Jake." Y/N grimaced as she remembered him. She didn't want to remember him while she was still with Mason, because she knew that cheating on him had been wrong.

"Well, I don't know… He's a nice guy, he treats me well, and I know he loves me." Guilt seemed to consume her even more after saying that, Jake was a nice guy, he didn't deserve what she was doing to him, even though she wasn't sorry. "I guess I was trying to focus on these things, thinking that it would be immature to end a relationship because of sex; Sex shouldn't be the basis of a relationship, and it shouldn't matter so much. I mean, there are people who live just fine without sex, right?" "You're not one of those people, so you're not going to live well that way." He said, and she looked at him, thinking that behind all that arrogance, Mason actually had a thinking brain. "I also agree that it shouldn't be the basis, but sex is fucking important." "You're right, I was just fooling myself. When we get there, I'll give him a call." "To break up?" He asked unassumingly, but with a faint thread of hope running through him. "Yeah, maybe, I guess. I mean, I don't want to hurt him, but I need to tell him I had sex with you. I'm sure he won't be happy to know." She pondered, knowing it would be difficult, but confident that it was the right thing to do. "What about you? Why did you break up with Karen?" She turned sideways to look at him, no longer feeling awkward about having his body so close and wanting to look him in the eye. Mason wanted to pull her around the waist with his other hand and entwine his legs in hers, but somehow it didn't seem right.

"She was suffocating me." He let off steam, remembering how sometimes, or almost always, Karen could be annoying. Mason preferred to summarise the story, the details were too stupid to hold Y/N's attention. "The Euro final was too difficult, and I really didn't want to bring her to Cancún with us." "Hmm." It was the only thing she decided to say, realising that Mason didn't want to prolong the subject any further, and neither did she. Y/N stared at the roof of the plane, listening to the noise of the wind and the engines, the two of them there, it seemed like a parallel reality, and she began to wonder what it would be like when the plane landed. A part of her didn't want things to change because it scared the shit out of her. "Mount?" "What is it, princess?" His eyes were almost closed, but he opened them wide when he heard her voice. "I was serious at the time, let's not tell anyone about it." She said, pointing at him and herself. Mason stopped to think for a moment, in his mind this was the start of something new, but Y/N wasn't really interested in making things change. This fuelled something bitter inside him, so he decided to act the same way.

"I also think it'll be better if they don't know." She shook her head, sure that the subject was closed when he whispered: "So, do you hate me again?" "Wait until the plane lands, now I just want to sleep." Y/N spoke as if sleeping in his arms was the most comfortable place she had ever slept. It made Mason angry, but he couldn't do anything as he watched her eyes grow heavy, as Y/N fell asleep so close to his body. Not while that moment was all he ever wanted.

─────────────

"Look who's finally here? So? How was your trip? I guess you got through it without killing yourselves." Declan laughed as Mason and Y/N got off the plane. They had finally landed, and Y/N's brother decided that he would be the one to meet them at Cancún airport. Y/N couldn't believe it when the plane finally landed. When she woke up on top of Mason, from the window she could see that it was morning, she locked herself in the bathroom and only came out when they were minutes away from landing. It was time to get back to normal, and she had to get ready. She changed her clothes and dressed up as much as possible, trying to look like she hadn't had a hectic night of sex. Y/N left first, coming through the door like a rocket. She stared at Declan with fire in her eyes. Unlike her, he was in a good mood, smiling and wearing sunglasses to protect his eyes from the beautiful sun. "You're a terrible brother, you know that?" She grumbled, walking past him and handing him her bag to carry. He looked at Mason for answers, Declan thought that Y/N would get so angry that she would storm out of the plane swearing a thousand words and slapping his arm, but she seemed quite calm.

"What's up, bro." He greeted Mason and the two of them started walking side by side, behind Y/N who was a few steps ahead.

"I really thought she'd be angrier, what happened there?" Mason bit the inside of his cheek, flashes of the trip flooded his mind and he remembered every moment with Y/N, but he also remembered the deal they had made not to tell anyone, and that included Declan, so it was inevitable that he would have to lie to his best friend. He looked ahead so that Dec wouldn't notice. "I don't know, I slept the whole journey. Do you know how hard it is to put up with a girl as boring as the princess for so many hours?" "Don't be late next time then!" Dec slapped him on the back, laughing. He had thought he was a genius when he came up with the idea of putting Mason and Y/N on the same plane. That experience must have been the worst for both of them, and he found it amusing. The journey out of the airport was uneventful. They had decided to rent a mansion on the beach instead of staying in a hotel with the excuse of having more privacy. Lauren, Alex and Ben were already there when Dec, Mase and Y/N arrived. They hadn't really done much while waiting for the other two. Their plan was to set aside a few hours to rest and go out in the evening.

The house was big enough for everyone to have their own room, with the exception of Lauren and Declan, who preferred to stay together as expected. Y/N discovered that the last two rooms left were facing each other, which meant that Mason would be her next door neighbour. It was for these reasons that she hated arriving after everyone else. She went to her room to unpack and Alex went to help her so they could talk. The only thing Y/N could think about was taking a nice shower. "So, Y/N, is Jake coming?" Alex asked, throwing herself onto her bed after a while. Y/N was on the floor with her suitcases open, looking for an outfit to wear for the evening. Jake. She hadn't even stopped to think about him because remembering that she had cheated on her boyfriend wasn't the best thought. "I'm going to break up with him." "What? Why?" Alex stood up quickly, surprised. In her mind, Y/N and Jake were the happiest couple in the world, she couldn't imagine that they were facing problems to the point of breaking up. "Do you want me to be honest?" Y/N paused. "He's terrible in bed, and I've realised that I can't live without cumming." "Is that serious?" Alex was dumbfounded. Y/N just thought that she would only be more shocked if she knew that it was Mason who had made her realise all that. But Mason was her secret under lock and key.

"Very serious. I'll finish this" She indicated the clothes in her suitcase. "And call him." "You're going to end a year-long relationship over a mobile phone?" Alex looked sceptical, it was all so sudden. Y/N stood up, pondering. God, she had betrayed him, and now she was going to end it all with a phone call. She was a terrible person. That's for sure. Karma was her boyfriend and would come for her at any moment. "Do you want me to make you come here just to finish?" Either option was terrible. She could also pretend that nothing had happened and carry on with Jake, but that seemed even worse. As well as lying to him, she'd be lying to herself. "It makes sense." Alex agreed. Y/N shrugged and took a towel out of her bag. Through the crack in the door, she saw Mason, shirtless, entering his room, and bit her lip. A few hours later and she was already missing his hot body, but NO, it wasn't going to happen again. Ever.

"You look strange, Y/N." Alex's voice roused her from her thoughts, and Y/N stopped staring at the door, trying to forget that Mason was half-naked next door. "No, I'm not. I'm just… thinking about what we're going to do today." "Well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but you'll definitely be looking for a guy who can make you come." Alex laughed, walking past her and slapping her on the bum. Y/N sighed and laughed back. Alex had no idea that Y/N had already found this guy, and he was only a door away.

#mason mount #mason mount blurb #mason mount imagine #mason mount fluff #mason mount one shot #mason mount smut #mason mount x reader #mason mount x you #mason mount fic #mason mount oneshot #mason mount x y/n #mason mount fanfic #mason mount angst #football fic #football imagines #footballer smut #football angst #football one shot #football x reader #football x you #football imagine #football fanfic #footballer imagine

[theliteraryluggage]

Common Fanfic Mistakes pt. I: Idioms

Since there was a decent response I decided to make good on my promise to write up some of the most common mistakes I've been seeing in fanfic recently, focusing in particular on homophones (words that sound the same but have a different spelling and meaning) and idioms and idiomatic phrases (phrases that are often used and recognised in combination).

Now, this isn't meant to attack anyone; these mistakes can happen very easily and for me they don't really take away from my enjoyment of a story, even if they do make me pause sometimes. But as someone who has picked up many phrases just by reading, both books and fanfic, I know how quickly it happens that you first read it somewhere used wrongly and you absorb it into your vocabulary without even knowing it's not right.

So! For those interested, I want to list up a few of the most common things I've seen, along with explanations and example sentences. This got pretty long so I'm dividing it up into two posts: this first focusing on idioms and the second on homophones.

You can now find the second part here! Even planning on a third... i'll keep you posted!

Disclaimer: I am not a native English speaker myself, so I'm not claiming to be 100% accurate here, but I did do some research and I have a MA in English/International Literature, so I do know a little bit what I'm talking about.

Idioms

There's certain idiomatic phrases that are very popular in fanfic, I seem them over and over again--but I also see them used incorrectly a lot. Let's get right into it with what might be the most common.

To make a beeline for something

Unlocking the door, he made a beeline for the bed and dropped face-down into it.

This one confused me when I first encountered it in fanfic. I hadn't heard it before, but having seen the kind of bumbling, roundabout way bees fly from flower to flower, I thought that's what it meant: to make a slow, meandering path. Only it didn't fit into the context, bc it turns out, it means the opposite: To take the quickest, most direct way possible. It does actually relate to the bee, the insect, though: it's meant to reference the way a bee takes the quickest route back to its hive. So it is actually a beeline, not a b-line, as I have often seen it spelled. Who knew!

wreaking havoc

He didn't know how the raccoon got in, but it was now wreaking havoc in his kitchen.

a phrase that means to cause mayhem or bring about distruction, I often see it spelled wreck havoc, which doesn't seem farfetched, given the meaning. But to wreak means to bring about or cause, and that's what you do with chaos and destruction: you bring it about, you don't destroy the destruction. Havoc, by the way, used to refer to plundering and pillaging. Also interesting: The past tense of wreak it wreaked--not wrought.

at someone's beck and call

I cannot be at your beck and call 24/7! I have a life of my own, you know?

I often see this as beckon call, another understandable mistake, since the word beckon does exist, means the same as simply beck, namely to wave someone towards you or give a hand signal, and is more commonly used today. If someone is at your beck and call, though, they will cater to your every whim when you beck them AND when you call them.

one and the same

She realised that Lucky and The Hallowed were just titles for one and the same person.

two things so identical it's not enough to say the are one, or to say the are the same. they are one AND the same. That's how identical they are. One in the same, as I sometimes see it spelled, makes me more think of two peas in a pod.

case in point

You need sleep. Case in point: You just watered the plants with cat food.

If you try to give an example for an argument you're making, you bring up a case in your point, as in a case in support of your point, rather than a case and point.

getting off scot-free

We all knew they were guilty, but they got off scot-free.

TBH, neither the correct phrase nor the version that I often see in fics, getting off scotch free, made much sense to me before I looked up the origin. It has nothing to do with the people of Scotland or their finest whiskey--apparently the scot was a tax that people living in a town or village had to pay. If you lived outside the bounds and were able to avoid the tax, well--you were scot-free.

a shoo-in

With her charisma and eloquence, she was a shoo-in for chairwoman.

not a shoe-in, as you might think. This phrase, refering specifically to someone sure to win a competition or election, does not relate to having a foot in the door. It's a term originating from horse racing, referencing the action of driving the horse in a certain direction with gestures and noises. Shoo! Originally it was used to refer to rigged races, but it has lost most of that negative connotation today.

getting down to brass tacks

We don't have any more time to waste, let's get down to brass tacks!

this phrase, meaning getting down to business or cutting to the chase, doesn't have anything to do with taxes, thankfully. That's all we can say for sure, unfortunately. There are several theories on what the brass tacks are referencing (e.g. a tool to measure lengths of cloth in a shop or the practice of spelling a deceased person's initials in brass tacks on their coffin) but apparently nothing's confirmed.

bald-faced lie

"We're doing this for your own good." He told the bald-faced lie without so much as a wince.

rather than being bold-faced, as in, perhaps, cocky or strong, bald-faced used to refer to an open, unconcealed face, and now means the same in reference to a lie. It's an open, obvious, impudent lie told with a straight face.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading, I hope you learned something!

Second Part: Homophones!

#writing #writing advice #writeblr #creative writing #writing tips #fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic writing #fanfic writers #nihi writes stuff #from the sleeves #100

[rasp-my-berry]

a summer glowup // klitz x chubby reader

ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18+

ok i've decided to make this a chubby reader AND set in modern tech era bc really not much would change and i prefer to write about that which i understand better yk 🙄i think this is part one??? might make a second part maybe not idk 😵 also i did not proofread this leave me alone 😭😭😭

"i want him in me so bad you guys you don't get it i want him IN MEEEESSNSNS" your story read. you giggled as you typed it and finally posted it. you loved to just post whatever came to mind, whenever. you loved getting reactions out of those that follow you, sometimes forgetting that people you respect follow you and see the shit you post.

your favorite part about posting these things though, was the reactions you would get from your friends. they always had something to say.

eli would usually say something equally as horny. matt would usually say something about how you should really keep those thoughts to yourself and how disgusting you are. he's just joking though... you hope. but klitz? he would always take any opportunity he could to flirt and tease you. it only took a few minutes before the tripod's responses came rolling in.

“just let me be inside you y/n just one chance plsssss 😫😫😫" eli responded.

“STOP THIS. ENOUGH. SEEK THERAPY" was matt's response.

klitz's was the only one to actually make you giggle out loud though. "yk you could just tell me instead of posting about me 🙄🙄"

you began responding to all of them. first to eli. "yk i'm in a committed relationship w my pink dildo eli don't be silly 🙄"

next was matt. "unless ur willing to pay, it won't be happening"

and finally klitz. "ur right klitzy bitzy boo babe, i'll start keeping our sex life a secret dw 💕💕"

you turned your phone off with a dreamy sigh, holding your whale plushie close to your chest as you squeezed your eyes shut. you hoped and wished with all your heart that one day all the flirting with klitz wouldn't have to be just that. that one day you may be able to just kiss him and buy him flowers and get freaky or whatever. but unfortunately, this summer, it wouldn't be happening.

this summer vacation was going to be spent out of state with you favorite aunt. she invited you over and insisted on having you stay, saying the much needed girl time was well overdue for the both of you. the tripod was disappointed to hear you wouldn't be able to spend everyday going on dumb adventures with them but made you promise to do group calls when you could.

you agreed, of course. you didn't know what you would do without being able to contact them. you'd already scheduled your first 3 calls, all of you promising to reserve those times for the calls.

a soft noise from your phone brought you back to reality. it was klitz. he always responds the fastest, unless he's asleep of course. if you wanted to get a hold of him while he's sleeping you knew to call.

“good. i don't want the whole school to know how much raw, hot, crazy sex we have 😖" he responded.

“we both know you don't care about that part. you just don't want them to know i peg you every thursday and turn you into a whining bitch in heat for me huh"

he read the message instantly and it took a while for him to start typing.

“you're absolutely right ☹️ once they find out ur into that shit they'd all start lining up and i wouldn't have you all to myself 😞" he said.

giggling, you began typing up your next response. "i hardly think that'll be the outcome. nobody wants me 💔🕸🕷⛓🥀" and you followed up with another text. "fr tho most of the guys at school couldn't handle me 🙄 i'm too big 💕"

he didn't read it for a few seconds and in that downtime you began texting your best friend. "EEEEE KLITZY RESPONDED TO MY STORY AGAIN 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭"

she responded almost instantly, a string of texts coming from her.

“BITCH

HES TOTALLY INTO YOU

THINK ABOUT IT

HE TEXTS YOU ALL THE TIME

ALWAYS RESPONDS TO YOUR SHIT

BLUSHES WHEN YOU TOUCH HIM

PRACTICALLY MOANS, EVEN

THE GUY IS PRACTICALLY YOURS ALREADY 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥"

you rolled your eyes with a smile. this is gonna be a long night.

~

while you were arguing with your bestie about whether or not klitz was into you, the tripod was at eli's home, having an equally as ridiculous conversation.

“she totally wants me. she wants me balls deep so badly." eli said in relation to your posts, scrolling on his phone.

“ELI-" matt started.

klitz cut him off. "she's not into bozo virgins like you, dickwad!"

“oh, right, i forgot shes madly in love with you. and how do you know i'm a virgin?!" eli defended, rolling his eyes.

klitz pointed to a pile of socks laying by the side of eli's bed, the pile looking as though he hadn't even tried hiding it properly. "there are literal CUM SOCKS, ELI, ON THE FLOOR-"

“shits radioactive at this point. generations on those socks, man.." matt muttered.

eli groaned. "those are NOT cum socks!! lemme prove it to you fools!!"

he waltzed over to the side of his bed from the gaming chair he was previously sat in and grabbed one of the socks, instantly dropping it and gagging out of disgust. the sock was literally rock hard and as it fell on the hardwood floor, it CLATTERED. ACTUALLY CLATTERED.

the three boys continued the gag for a moment following.

“that's actually disgusting-" klitz finally managed.

matt couldn't even breathe properly yet, still reeling from the sound the sock made. eli was beyond embarrassed, pushing the socks further under the bed with his foot, the socks making an awful scraping noise as he did so. he cringed.

“PLEASE DONT TELL Y/N" he shouted, dropping to his knees.

klitz laughed. "oh come on, it's not like she would be surprised to hear you've got a pile of rock solid cum socks."

“can we PLEASE move on from this subject—" matt gagged again. "and do your fuckin' laundry eli!"

~

the next day at school, you walked in with your best friend, chatting and giggling as you walked the halls u til you parted ways to get to your first classes. spotting the tripod from a distance, you walked over.

“hey boys!" you smiled, waving shyly at them as you walked over. the boys looked over and began walking to meet you halfway. seeing you again after the long weekend, they felt nervous again. they never imagined a girl would be a part of their group. especially one as pretty as you.

they always imagined they'd be known as the group of the most pathetic virgin boys, never even feeling the touch of a woman. but then they met you, and you changed everything. they never thought you'd have gravitated to a group like theirs, when your looks could easily get you in with the big dogs.

“hey, y/n" matt waved with a small smile.

“y/n!!!" eli cheered, smiling wide. "how is my fav virgin slut!!"

you quickly shushed him with wide eyes and a smile. "eli!! not so loud!" you turned to klitz, deciding to tease "hey klitzy bitzy! how's my baefy?"

he blushed and stuttered. "i.. i told you not to use that name in front of them-"

“KLITZY BITZY????!" eli wheezed. "NO WAY YOU LET HER CALL YOU THAT-"

matt did his best to hide his laughter, holding a hand out in front of his mouth. the blush on klitz's face only depends and he scratched his cheek awkwardly.

“it's not that serious, dude. it's just a stupid nickname.." he tried to defend himself.

you giggled. "don't tease him all day, boys. that's my job. i'll see you guys at lunch!"

~

it was a month later from that interaction and there was a lot of tears. the last day of the school year, and your last day with the three boys and your best friends before your trip out of state to be with your aunt for the summer. it was mostly eli crying, actually. and your best friend just shed one tear and encouraged you to have a good time and scope out cute boys for her.

klitz looked stiff and awkward. his face was sad but he didn’t know how to communicate that. matt just seemed too embarrassed by eli’s overdramatic sobbing.

“lemme hit just one time before you go y/n!!! just once!!” he begged, falling to his knees.

klitz rolled his eyes and shoved eli. “i’ve already reserved the night for myself, you rabid animal. go fuck your pillow or something.”

your face burned in embarrassment. “oh, klitzy.. i thought you wanted our sex life to be a secret.” you bat your eyelashes.

he had to clear his throat and look away from you. “oh, right. i forgot for a second there.” he pushed his glasses up nervously.

“hey, klitz?” you asked under your breath, stepping closer.

eli and matt were talking with your best friend and arguing about something dumb so you took the chance to say something to klitz in a somewhat private fashion.

“hm?” he hummed.

you grabbed his clammy hand, ignoring the way you could feel heat creeping up your neck and to your face. “can you promise me you won’t go out with any other girls this summer, alright?”

he paused for a moment. he didn’t even know what to say. what did you mean by that? was it because you wanted him to still be available when you got back? did that mean you liked him? you? the prettiest girl he’s ever interacted with in his life? no way. this had to be a dream.

“anything for you.” he stuttered, instantly cringing at his corny ass response.

you smiled at that and nodded your head. “good. i’ll see you in august.”

“…see you in august.” he sighed. you had already turned away and started walking home. he started biting the inside of his cheek, feeling embarrassed by how upset he was that he wouldn’t be seeing you over the summer. embarrassed by how much he was gonna miss you.

~

august came quicker than expected. over the summer, you group called the boys at least twice a week. each time it seemed you had so much to tell them, some new, exciting thing you did. the boys felt so left out, wishing they could have half as much fun as you were.

the first time they saw you, their jaws literally dropped. you had changed entirely, and only in a matter of a few weeks. you walked through the doors of the school and started finding your way to them. your hair was bouncing with each step, and the bracelets on your write jingled as you moved. you were wearing low rise pants that flared at your calves, a hot pink top that was cropped maybe a little too much for dress code, chunky sandals that tied the whole ensemble together, and a juicy couture bag slung over your shoulder. you were the definition of a dream in klitz’s eyes.

he watched the way the skin of your stomach rippled with each step, the way your breasts bounced deliciously, the way you were just oozing confidence he had never seen from you before. he felt his heartbeat pick up and he had to force himself to look away.

but then he looked back and he noticed more. the way your skin of your hips bubbled over the edge of your pants, the way you were smiling at the sight of the boys and rolling your eyes at any of the boys who used to tease you suddenly taking an interest in you.

“KLITZYYY!! ELI!! MATTY!!!” you shouted, picking up the pace and running to the boys.

klitz gulped loudly, swallowing a lump in his throat as he watched the way your body moved with your actions. he’d never seen you this way before. you always wore baggy clothes, hiding yourself. he knew you were a little insecure about showing your body in a world that only appreciated pornstar skinny bodies, but he’d never imagined you looked THIS good.

he just knew he’d be spending the night imagining you again, only this time he’d actually have something to go off of. he instantly felt guilty about that thought and shook his head. fuck. you’re his friend. his friend he flirted with on a regular basis. his friend he was extremely attracted to. god.

eli started running to meet you halfway and caught you in a hug. “Y/NNN!!” he picked you up and twirled you, making you squeal out of excitement.

“eli!! i missed you!!” you smiled, hugging back tightly. “how was your summer???”

he instantly started filling you in on all the things they did over the summer while klitz and matt continued walking over. klitz seemed nervous. he was visibly shaking and looking around. matt seemed happy, but did a good job keeping his cool unlike his two friends.

“klitzy!!” you smiled once he was close enough, instantly pulling him in to a tight hug. he wrapped his arms around your waist, bending down slightly so you didn’t have to stand on your toes to hug him comfortably. he could smell your perfume and took a deep breath, holding you closer, feeling your body against his-

you kissed his cheek. “i missed you!” you smiled. “oh, whoops, i left some lipstick on your cheek—“

“LEAVE IT!” eli shrieked. “leave it!! i’m getting the sense him having lipstick on his cheek will attract good attention.”

“yea, well i’m getting the sense he’s gonna look like a bozo idiot ratio all day if he leaves it.” matt said.

“i’ve got a makeup wipe right here, don’t even worry babe.” you smiled, pulling one out of the little packet and wiping his cheek clean.

his breath was shaky. “babe?”

“whoopsie, just let that one slip there, huh? yknow, sometimes i really just don’t think before i speak. i’ve been meaning to work on that!!”

“don’t worry about it..” he trailed off, his head feeling fuzzy. you just called him babe. even if you didn’t mean it..

you smiled up at him. “can we talk?” you turned to eli and matt, giving them a look that clearly meant you wanted some privacy.

matt easily took the hint and had to drag an oblivious eli away while he was shouting about not getting the chance to fully catch up with you.

once they were finally gone, you took a shaky breath, adjusting your bracelets. “so… any girls over the summer?” you started.

he chuckled. “i promised i wouldn’t, didn’t i?”

you smiled, chewing your gum at a quicker pace now, as if the speed matched your emotions. his eyes flicked down to your lips, noticing the glittery tinted gloss on your lips and god did your lips always look so kissable? had it just been the distance and the time away that made him feel this way?

he couldn’t care less. he just wanted to kiss you.

“well, the only reason i asked that if you wa-“

he couldn’t take it anymore. “can i, please, kiss you?” he stuttered, cutting you off.

your eyes widened, and you nodded your head frantically. he reached a hand out, cupping your cheek and pulling you in, tilting his head down to meet you halfway.

when your lips met, you swore you felt thousands of butterflies flap their wings in an instant. you giggled, pulling away.

“wanna hang out after school?” you asked.

he didn’t even say anything, he just nodded his head quickly. you giggled.

“good. because i’ve got a few ideas on what we could do.” you winked.

#klitz x reader #klitz the girl next door #klitz x you #klitz fanfic #tim klitz #klitz #klitz imagine #x reader #x chubby reader #chubby reader #paul dano #paul dano klitz #danonation #eli sunday #eli sunday x reader #riddler x reader #riddler #edward nashton #edward nygma #edward nashton x reader #riddler smut #eli sunday smut

[imogenlefay]

So, I read this book... Daisy Jones & The Six

so, i've been thinking about doing a thing, and maybe someone finds it interesting, or maybe it's just for me to order my thoughts and i'll get bored to it before march, but we'll see. basically, for the last two years i've been keeping track of the books i read (or audiobooks i listen to) bc i felt like i'm not reading enough (except for fanfiction). and while i'm far behind people who actually read a lot, and woefully behind how much i used to read when i was a teen, i'm actually pretty happy with the progress. made it to 34 in 2022 and 40 in 2023, and hope to get more done this year. 2024 is starting off strong, just finished my first book of the year, and usually when i do that, i have thoughts. so what's the point of blogs if not to put that out there, so it stops haunting my head? or maybe even get someone else's thoughts on things? so i decided to blog about the books i read (unless i forget or don't feel like it), starting with general feelings and then going into spoilery feelings. so, yeah, this is what this is going to be. let's go.

Summary: a look back on fictional rockband The Six rising to fame, where they meet It Girl Daisy Jones, leading to the collab of a century, until the band breaks apart after one show in Chicago. Told completely in interview snippets.

General Feelings: say what you want, it's a fast read, and it's fun. the style of writing with everything being interview snippets, aka the band members' and friends' memories, works really well, especially the parts where one person remembers things, and the next person directly contradicting their memory. it's a quick way to give you everyone's point of view, and sowing the seeds of miscommunication and conflict. the story is easy to follow, and it's also easy to feel for most of the protagonists. the characters are likable enough, and their conflicts are mostly realistic. the final show in chicago and the general fall out unfortunately fall kind of flat for me. like... this is it? it's not much of a bang, tbh... which maybe sums up my feelings about the whole thing. it's a fun ride, but at the end, it's like "huh, guess that was it?" it is fun, but it's just not very deep, i guess. although the way they describe the songwriting process and the songs that result from it really was cool to read. another fun fact, i totally forgot there's a show until i googled the book cover. and since i was reading and caught myself wanting to check out the songs, only to remember they're not real... well, that might be enough motivation to check out the show. Recommendation: yes, i'm doing that before the actual feelings part cause i can't discuss those without spoilers. so, if anybody cares, rec first. Daisy Jones & the Six is a casual read. like, vacation book. for the beach, for train rides, for flights. it's fun to breeze through, but i doubt it'll really grip most people. so yeah, not a must read, but can be fun, light reading.

Spoilery feelings:

(consider yourself warned)

there are a few things that really didn't work for me.

i never really got into the whole daisy/billy thing. like, his instant antipathy, the weird rivalry, and then her oh so deep love for him, and at the end, him finally kinda sorta loving her but loving his wife more... maybe that's part of the format. both of them looking back at it from the future, where it's just not that present anymore. but it didn't ring that true.

my biggest problem was probably drug use and how it was handled. it just felt so trivial and meaningless. like sure, for both billy and daisy it's supposedly the central struggle, but it just fell so flat for me. i know part of that is that early december i read Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo, which (in germany) is a famous non-fiction account describing the fall into heavy drug use of an extremely young girl (starting at 12, i think), and it's the bleakest thing i've ever read, with the girl herself describing how she fell into heavier and heavier drugs, paid for by prostitution. so it's dark, and it's heavy, and compared to that the drug use in Daisy Jones feels almost offensive in how little weight it has. the comparison is super unfair, i know, i'm primed and biased, sure. but after that, the book may say a million times "oh yeah, that was a bad time for daisy", but it just doesn't ring true.

i'm not sure if the identity of the interviewer is supposed to come off as a twist? like, sure, i didn't see it coming, but it didn't really have an impact, either.

lacking impact is probably my final point. while the book, especially with the format of the interviews, is really good at painting the conflicts within the group, i didn't feel like these paid off in a significant manner. like, eddie's whole growing resentment never went anywhere except being a red herring. the show in chicaco wasn't that special in the end, was it? nothing happened at the show himself. just, the band broke at many different places at once, but they barely impacted each other. billy's struggle with addiction toppling over, daisy having a breakdown and camila helping her through it, pete getting married, the karen/graham thing exploding... like, you could see them coming, but the resolution all at once felt kinda random. like, it didn't feel like there's this big bang setting off all the dominos (yeah, mixing metaphors, i know), but more like "oh yeah, that's all happening now, i guess". sure, there isn't always a big bang, but i feel like they teased one, and then there was nothing. so i guess the end feels a bit anticlimactic, like it just fizzled out.

it was still fun to read, but more like meaningless fun, i guess. definitely preferred "The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo", which was super fun. interesting writing style, but story is a bit shallow. okay, now i talked enough about a book i kinda sorta liked but wasn't super impressed by. anyone else thoughts about it? did you read it? did you watch the show? do you or did you have feelings about it? seriously would love to hear them!

#imogen reads #book discussions #and maybe i'm practicing reviewing stuff #daisy jones and the six #i'm having thoughts about this book

[holyshonks]

I've been keeping a secret for longer than seems helpful, and I'm starting to feel like a lurker in a trench coat and one of those novelty glasses-mustache disguises, so uhhhhhhhhh. Announcement:

I'm in the process of writing a three-part Halo fanfiction series! Part one is already complete and we are underway with part two.

I wasn't going to say anything, but now it feels weirder not to? I kept it close to my chest bc

1. Shy

2. I'm out of practice with creative writing generally

3. I'm new to this, so I wanted to feel it out first and;

4. I knew that for an undertaking like this, i needed to stay laser-focused, and to do that, I needed to cut out the noise. Just me and the text. Otherwise I would have felt a lot of pressure.

It was also kind of a challenge to myself, as if to prove that I was writing for myself and only myself, I had to tell no one. I had to go in with zero expectations. But the longer I go, the more I'm sad I can't share. Writing and feedback is such a communal thing that I effectively cut myself out of for over a year now, and the more time passed, the more I felt like I couldn't say anything. But then some of the lovely folks on here started interacting with some of my other writing on there and I feel weirder not saying anything.

So, what's it about? The series is called Don't Go Where I Can't Find You and is, at its core, an interspecies love story. You're shocked, I know. But, it is also:

A story about grief in a traumatized galaxy, and how that shapes us. It's a story where the ghosts are as much characters as the living. It's a story about the people who don't get to be heroes, the people who actually suffer the consequences of the machinations going on above them. It is about people who feel desperate and alone. It is melancholy.

On the other hand, it's about love! And healing. It's about taking risks and relearning how to be happy. It's about family and facing generational trauma. It's about grappling with new normals and writing your own story.

It is unashamedly a love story and can get saccharine and ooey-gooey at times. It also gets sexy. You have been warned.

I personally love every single Halo character and want to give them a little kissy. That being said, they tend to be exceptional or heroic or powerful and that's not what I wanted for this story. This story is about normal folks, so I created a lot of normal folks. If you're looking for your favs, they are not in here, and even when they appear, they will not be at the forefront of the story.

More than anything, this story is me playing in the Halo sandbox and loving it. I am getting to explore so much lore and really sink my teeth into the aspects of the universe that appeal to me the most. I can't verify it, but I think I've extrapolated well (and have yet to be proven wrong!!). This is my labor of love and the biggest creative undertaking I've taken on in 8 years.

Sorry for the paragraphs, it's just that I was going to brush it off as a "tee hee, surprise, nbd" sort of thing, but actually I've been busting my ass for over a year and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I poured (and continue to pour) my heart into this, and would be glad if you took a look. Maybe there's something in there for you.

And the BEST news is I get to interact with everyone on AO3 without feeling like I'm creeping under the floorboards.

Find me! I'm FleshandFaith!

p.s. I'm also TERRIBLE and titles and blurbs. I give them .003 seconds of thought so don't think too hard about them bc I certainly didn't. More than anything, I am determined to fucking finish it. It will not be perfect. I will finish it.

#shonks do you see how keeping secrets blows normal things out of proportion? no? you'll do it again? gr8 #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[trust-and-jump]

"Call me Mystery" by Lilse - fic rec for those who can live without physical whump and canon-like action

okay but Call Me Mystery by Lilse has so many comments and is so interesting to discuss. Like. Author writes the dialogues and thoughts very cool. There is not much action in the fic, but it sure as hell has a lot of very intense stuff. I like it even more than the first part in the series. Lol Good Parent Bruce Wayne trope doesn't ruin it. And ROTATED CHARACTER POV! IT'S NOT! CENTERED! ON ONE! CHARACTER! it's nice. There is no one character in the center! They all get their chapters and you can't even separate them and skip to what you like. It's a complicated net. With holes, a little. But interesting and evolving.

The thing is, this story is not focused on how bad some people and actions are, and there is no character bashing. The story is focused on dialogues and misunderstandings and relationships of this very unusual family. And not what's good for vigilantes but what's good for them as people.

Characters: Bruce, Dick, Damian, Jason, Tim, Alfred. And young Dick and Jason from parallel universe, who named themselves John and Peter (second names).

(certainly not for people who thinks canon-only, but I don't see here any of very annoying fanon tropes and interpretations!!!!!!! or maybe I am biased because I'm following this story a long time already and not planning to drop it at all)

it's not like it's the best fic I love the most. And it's certainly not perfect. But it's something close and warm to me - because of how much work Lilse puts in there, and because of the way Lilse interacts with the readers. And the fact that, despite not really knowing canon, Lilse is not very biased and, in my opinion, all the characters in Call Me Mystery are valid. Well, Alfred is not enough there, but he has an excuse hshskaldhslamdpdpdlsfppff. Also Dick and Jason trying to be responsible adults and sometimes failing miserably - nice. And Jason's lemonades. And Dick's temper and tiredness. Tim has a bad time, but he's not woobified at all. And the fact that I finally, finally realised that this story has Bruce angst (for some reason I didn't notice it for very long time but now my eyes are open, I finally imagined myself in his place in this story). And. And. And Damian - I have no words,

Unfortunately, the characters outside of the listed are not mentioned (well, Gordon is, and someone else, but no other vigilantes or superheroes have attention). Cass and Duke probably don't exist here, bc Bruce doesn't mention them in his thoughts. That's okay, that's much better than showing some half-assed versions of them like some people do.

okay I have MUCH more to say about this fic but it doesn't matter what I think, because I would just write and write and write and write and it would be too long.

#batman fanfiction #batfam fanfiction #bruce wayne #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #dick grayson #dimension travel #batman au #fic rec #batfam fic rec #batman fic recs #batfam fic recs #fanfic rec #cat photos #Call me Mystery by Lilse

[bluegekk0]

Honestly, I love your style, And I enjoy the way you design the characters we rarely see with the cloak off, like grimm or the pale king. But obviously, No artist is without his flaws, and I presume you do not view yourself to be without any. For starters, While the whole "Pale king is an innocent gubblemuncher" thing is cute, depending on how it's handled, It gets stale, fast. (especially considering purely how non-gubblemuncher PK is in the lore, but whatever, we can just ignore that-) Then, I have a bit of a nit to pick at with the way the "Feral PK au" was handled. Once again, similar issue to as I listed prior, PK being innocent and chill is cute, but it gets old fast, especially when the au is based around this characterization of the pale king. (Also, I didn't like PK and WL breaking up despite WL seeming to still care about him in the game, Unless there was some insane sit-com tier argument they had after PK reincarnated that I was never told about, But ig we needed a reason to ship grimm and pk, since, as most are aware, WL hates grimm's guts, so I doubt she would be ok with sharing, so it makes sense.) And finally, I don't like the missed potential of the "feral PK au". When I first heard of that au idea, I imagined a tragic story where PK comes back, But is almost a wild animal and WL ends up caging him bc she's too attached to let him go.... Instead, It's basically an artifact title, one that only applies to the act 1, maybe even just act 0.5, Possibly act 0.25 depending on how it worked. So, I think a more accurate title would be "palegrimm crack au" /j

(Note that "Gubblemuncher" is not an expression I meant to offend, It's 11:55 AM and I needed to make up something to describe a gremlin who is adorable in their own way.)

okay so uhh. i wanted to keep this short but i have a lot of things to say, though i'll get to the point right away. i don't appreciate those kinds of comments, i'm sorry

don't get me wrong, you have every right to dislike aspects of my au. there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. i'm aware that some of my takes are perhaps a little out there. i know many of them stray far away from canon. however, i never claimed that i wanted it to stick to canon, quite the opposite in fact

this au, the whole story, is something i do for myself. it's a little comfort space for me, that i decided to share with friends and other people because they showed interest and wanted to me to talk about it. i did not make it with the intention of creating a coherent narrative, or writing something sophisticated that would have a good plot. i'm not good at those things, i won't pretend otherwise. all this is, is just a silly self-indulgent au that means so, so much to me

and so i understand if some people don't vibe with it. that's perfectly fine, it's not for everyone. what i'm not fine with is people telling me how they think i should write the characters or where they think i should take the story, treating it as if the au is meant to cater to them. that is not what you'll find here, i'm sorry. i find comments like "this is a missed potential" to be a bit rude and quite discouraging, especially since i've never done anything like this and so i'm very insecure about it

some parts of this ask come off as a bit passive-aggressive to me, but that could very well be me overthinking. and because i don't like assuming the worst in people, i want to clear some misconceptions i saw here instead

first of all, the au is not built around the idea that pk is innocent. i've stated before that i don't agree with that notion, he has done terrible things and that should not be ignored. the difference here is that i try to make him more nuanced, and i've personally always loved the theme of well-meaning people committing horrible actions in the name of good. that is where i'm going with my interpretation. he tries to do well, he is very emotional and anxious, he wants to make others happy and be loved. and yet he's still responsible for the deaths of so, so many beings that did not deserve that fate. that is not something i want to ignore, it's something that haunts him constantly, and is a huge part of his character, his struggles and his arc in the au

the reason why you rarely see that portrayed in my art is because, like i said, this is something i do for myself. while i enjoy thinking about more emotional aspects of it, i also want to find happiness and comfort in it, and so i prioritize wholesome art, as that is what i find the most comforting. perhaps it is my fault that i'm not clear enough about this, and if so, i'll try to do better

i will be more short and to the point with the next part, as i've answered many asks about this topic in the past. but no, fpk and wl did not separate because of grimm. they did not separate because of a "sitcom tier argument" either. it was a result of their vastly different approaches to dealing with their guilt and shame (among other things about their relationship), and they divorced while still on good terms. this would've happened in the au even without grimm in the picture, so no, i did not just get rid of wl to make space for the ship i like. that was never my intention, even if pale nightmare is my preferred ship

lastly, about the name of the au, i mentioned before that it wasn't a conscious decision to name it that, people simply started calling him "feral pk" and i decided to keep it. for convenience, and because i thought it had a nice ring to it. that being said, it's still accurate to his character in the au. he doesn't simply "drop the feral act" once he reunites with his family, his instincts are a part of him now. throughout the whole story of the au, he is by all accounts "feral". if you had different expectations for this, then i'm afraid that is on you. you are free to explore the idea you had yourself, it sounds interesting. but it's not something i wanted to do

like i said. i don't want to assume that your intentions were to be rude. but i wanted to respond anyway to clear possible misunderstandings, and emphasize that i don't like seeing comments like this. still, i hope you have a good day anon. if you did not mean for me to interpret it like this, then know that i don't hold it against you. we're all here to enjoy ourselves, but some boundaries need to be made, and this is where i set mine. i hope you understand

#ask stuff #feral pk au

[rollercoasterwords]

i had such A fun time reading r’s ch. he knows so much more than s lol, indulge us so many information. i’m gonna miss his pov!!

also you’re a genius. this is such a complex story. the plot is a lot. and we have two very distinct perspectives going on that fit each other beautifully. it’s a difficult writing and you make look like it’s easy.

anywayyyy! i started rambling. i meant to ask how you think r’s feelings for s are right now, after he knows s knows he’s in the order (if this can’t be answered without giving much away you just ignore it

thank u!! i do not know if i would call myself a genius lmao i feel more like a kid in a candy store who's just grabbing every single yummy plot idea that i see...will i be able 2 successfully weave them all together 2 make it work? who knows...stay tuned...

as for how r is feeling! i suppose this might be giving like. a bit of information away just bc this is not info that s will be privy to once we switch back to his pov in pt ii obviously but. i don't think it spoils anything in terms of plot etc. still i will put it under a cut just in case!

so the thing for remus is that like. he genuinely hated sirius + all he stood for going into this. like i am hoping that came through lmao but unlike sirius who was basically experiencing a somewhat like....linear? i guess? process of slowly growing closer (or so he thought) to remus + opening up to him + getting to know him better, remus's feelings have been much more tangled throughout.

sirius has definitely surprised him, and he's got the self-awareness to acknowledge that sirius isn't exactly who he thought he was/expected him to be. at the same time, in any instance where remus's own feelings softened--whether he was feeling pity, empathy, sympathy, attraction, etc--he has had a pretty immediate + visceral pushback in his own mind. unlike sirius, who basically trusted that what he was getting at face value w remus was 'real,' there is always doubt in the back of remus's mind that anything sirius is doing could be some sort of act or play, and any soft feelings he's evoking could be an intentional move on his part--partially bc that's exactly what remus is doing to sirius lmao. so while sirius is, for the most part, letting himself just experience those feelings as they come, for remus any instance of positive feeling is immediately wrapped up in a reminder of the potential danger, the power imbalance, and thus the hatred that he continues to harbor towards sirius.

as time went on it became more apparent that sirius wasn't like, performing any sort of act/didn't really have a ploy the way remus did, but remus could never fully let go of that doubt. and even when the doubt lessened + he began to feel like sirius was potentially being genuine (or as genuine as he could be, in this sort of situation where they are both hiding so much from each other), those feelings were still wrapped up in hatred. remus doesn't want sirius to be nice. he doesn't want sirius to care about him. he doesn't want sirius to be gentle or thoughtful or kind because he doesn't want to like sirius, he doesn't want to feel anything other than hate for sirius, and the fact that he is starting to just makes him hate sirius more, because it feels to him like one more way that sirius is taking power away from him. so again, any 'softening' from remus is pretty immediately shut down by a hardening of his hatred, and also tied to disgust with himself that he's even capable of feeling something for a person who is basically like. the mascot of his oppression. he wanted to finish his mission and leave sirius behind and never have to see him or think about him again.

but! obviously that cannot happen now <3 and i do not think i can say much more without giving stuff away but!! that's basically where remus is at by the end of ch 6 lol

#ask #wfrau

[trans-axolotl]

I'm rly sorry to put this on u and u don't have to respond. But idk how to de-institutionalize myself. Like I was in psych insitutions for 6 years continuously I've been out since October but had time out somewhat frequently for the past year and a half. But it's like in my head. I do better with less control from providers, and I recognize how much the system has traumatized me (so many horror stories you don't need to hear, gaslighting, restraint, seclusion, didn't get to see my dying father/attend his funeral, denied gender affirming care, over/mis-medicated, etc.).

But it's like I smoked weed recently and I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. bc I have a psychotic disorder. So I agreed to go to a partial. And just the sight of young people in like those hospital lanyards caused me extreme flashbacks and led me to dissociate during which I fired all my providers. I hired them back and am now under watch during my waking hours. In my apartment by like, a carer. And I was doing BETTER before I had this stuff!!! Even though I smoked weed! I made friends, got engaged to a long time partner, had a regular part time job, left the house, etc.

But it's almost like I'm doomed into having this identity of "patient" be the only one that matters and my relationship with the psychiatric system mediate the way I experience ALL OF MY EMOTIONS and do EVERYTHING. If I smoke I need to go to treatment. If I dissociate I consider going to the hospital until my fiance convinces me I can get through it myself (which I have been able to. I've stopped self harming, haven't attempted suicide, etc. partially bc I just don't SEE myself that way).

I'm sorry for venting. It just feels so so so so hopeless. Like how the fuck do I escape this? Especially bc like if I just fired everyone I could get put under conservatorship for refusing treatment, even though I've proved I can live and survive independently. I just don't know an alternative because I've been in this since I was a teenager. I really need advice. It's so scary like psychiatry is the devil I know and it's destroyed my self esteem/confidence that id be able to exist without it.

Don't feel pressured to respond if this is too much. I'm sorry.

Anon, this is such an important question and something I really resonate with. I appreciate you sharing your experiences <3

You are absolutely not alone in this, and I've spent a lot of time talking with some of my friends about our experiences. It is really, really hard to adjust back to life after spending a lot of time institutionalized, and it is not your fault that the role of "patient" feels like it's taking over your life. So many other people I've talked to also feel this way, people write about it in books, professionals recognize it. I think that when we're in institutions, it's a role we have to take on to survive. There becomes particular ways of coping and routines we fall into because it's the only options available to us while institutionalized, and no one really gives us a workbook for how to transform those skills and routines into our real life. I'm so sorry that psychiatry has caused you so much pain and is still causing you pain, and I really empathize with feeling hopeless and stuck. I think it makes a lot of sense that you would be feeling overwhelmed and trapped, and any feelings of anger or sadness or anything are important and worth listening to.

As someone who has been hospitalized twice in the past three years and spent many months institutionalized, this is something I've also really been grappling with. Even though I know how much the system harmed me, know that the psych ward really, really traumatized me, have so many horror stories, and spend all this time organizing against psych wards, there are times that I do fixate on returning to psych wards and have impulsive thoughts about returning. When it comes down to it, I don't ever want to return to hospitalization, but sometimes I do have a strange sense of nostalgia for parts of it, especially when I remember the people I met there, some of the good days, or the sense of what it was like to at least feel familiar in a situation. For a long time, especially when I was younger, going to the ER was an important part of my self harm routine for the riskier forms of self harm I engaged in, and even though I didn't recognize it consciously at the time, I can look back and connect the dots and understand some of the underlying reasons why hospitalization felt important to me as a teenager. Sometimes, especially when I'm struggling not to engage in self destructive behaviors, I miss the way that hospitalization let me not give a fuck about anything, self destruct as much as I want, and how the experience of being in that type of crisis meant I had no responsibility to myself and didn't have to put the effort into healing. And I don't think we talk about these really complex and nuanced experiences enough in antipsych community, where even though we recognize that we deserve better, that we want to abolish psych wards, at the same time we all have our own complicated experiences that are worth sharing.

What has helped me transition into a life without hospitalization is a lot of reflection with myself and my loved ones to help identify my triggers when it comes to hospitalization, and to make plans for what I wanted my care to look like. For me, I know that one of my triggers that might make me impulsively do something that will end in hospitalization is when my pain feels invisible, my emotions and experience is invalidated, and when I start to feel like the people in my life won't support me unless I'm in crisis. When I start to feel this way, I know I need to go reach out to friends, tell them that I'm feeling vulnerable and worried and in pain, and they know that it's really helpful for them to listen, to validate me, to promise that they believe me, etc. That is just a personal example and might not be at all relevant to you, but what was really just most helpful was understanding the ways this pattern showed up for me, really analyzing what situations, emotions, actions, are likely to cause me to feel impulsive, vulnerable, and to start having intrusive thoughts about hospitalization, so that I could make a plan with my loved ones about what kind of support I need to avoid hospitalization.

I think something else that has been important to me is recognizing that I am allowed to fuck up, that there is room in my life for risk, and redefining what crisis looks like for me. In a lot of treatment setting, we spend time learning our warning signs, triggers, stuff like that. Which can be really helpful, but I know for me, sometimes it can actually be really damaging when I only think of my life in terms of warning signs. Because at this point after years of treatment I am so aware of what things are risky for me, when I do inevitably end up engaging in some of those behaviors, sometimes labeling that as a warning sign makes me start to panic. I start to feel like it's a slippery slope straight into crisis, and gets me into a mindset where I think that since it's inevitable that I've fucked up, I might as well just continue doing risky stuff, escalating my behaviors, and eventually pushing myself into crisis because I believe that it's going to happen anyway. Moving away from labeling things as an automatic warning sign helped me to get out of that rigid treatment mindset where everything is labeled as either good or bad, and warning signs are seen as an automatic crisis. Leaning towards harm reduction, acknowledging what things are risky for me, are likely to cause other harmful behaviors, and committing to a mindset where although I don't have to fix everything in one day, I have to make one small positive change, has been really helpful for me in stopping those warning sign spirals. Leaving room in my life for me to fuck up, make bad decisions, and still also use coping skills, reach out to supports, and have all of that coexist, has been super helpful for me.

I think it's also really crucial to have the space to undo some of the myths told to us by providers. Being institutionalized can really wreck our self esteem, when we're constantly told by providers that we don't know what's right for ourselves, that we're dangerous, that we are incapable, broken, and that we need to rely on the experts in order to be fixed because we can trust ourselves. Part of building our lives outside of hospitalization requires learning how to trust ourselves again, and celebrating ourselves for all the ways in which we are capable, talented, the experts, able to make decisions and choose what is right for us. Spending a long time institutionalized can get us out of practice in all of those things, and being able to slowly find ways to celebrate ourselves, even for small things, can go a long way to building our capacity to trust ourselves. Finding support people who are willing to encourage and validate us is also so important, whether that's from our loved ones, outpatient providers who are allies, online community, whatever.

When we've spent so long institutionalized and having our self esteem wrecked by providers, it can feel like we don't have any capacity to use coping skills, care for ourselves, or make decisions. For me, it was really helpful to find small ways to practice making decisions again, even just about tiny things that have nothing to do with my mental health. Building up my capacity to use coping skills was really hard, because it kind of honestly can fucking suck in the moment and it's hard to feel like it's worth it. For me anger has been a super helpful emotion, where in those moments I'm having a hard time, I draw on my anger at my providers as a way to motivate myself to thrive in all the ways they said I couldn't. Any time you can make those changes, use skills, make goals, practice your autonomy, it all goes a long way towards building the life that you want and increasing your capacity to cope with what challenges and distress we're going to experience.

Although it can feel impossible to believe that we can build a life for ourselves outside of the patient role, it is possible. It already sounds like you've been doing so much work to make it happen. It sounds like you know that treatment is a trigger for you that makes things worse, that smoking weed is something that is complicated for you and might require a more careful approach, and that your fiance is supporting you and affirming your capability to live your life outside a hospital. It is such an amazing accomplishment that you have been able to stop self harming and attempted suicide, and that you have built all these things in your life that you want. You already are doing so much of the work, and although it sounds like things have been particularly difficult to navigate and that partial has been a challenge, there are already so many ways in which you are taking care of yourself and fighting back. Even if you need to bullshit your way through partial long enough so that you can get back to doing healing work outside of that space, it sounds like you do have the skills, capability, and insight about what you want. And just also want to affirm that healing doesn't have to happen in isolation-interdependence, support, and community are so important, and whatever ways you need to rely on people in your life to get you through this is not something to be ashamed of.

Truly sending all the love and solidarity your way, and please feel free to reach out if there's any specific resources you want, or even just to vent.

Followers with relevant experience, free free to add on your insights.

💜💜💜

#asks #antipsych #psych abolition #mad pride #mad liberation #psych wards tw #self harm mention tw #suicide mention tw

[altschmerzes]

do you have any tips for how to get yourself to write, and more importantly, how to like your writing? i used to be so confident and sure of my skills in writing but recently it seems like i can never put down actual words, and when i do they just come out flat. it’s the worst possible time for this to be happening too 😭 i really look up to you as a writer and admire your dedication and your ability to write consistently so if you can, help please!! 🙏

first of all thank you so much for your lovely words!!! i'm beyond flattered that i'm someone you look up to in writing, you're so kind to say so, and i've been pleased with my own consistency recently tbh. it's not always like that, i go through long stretches not being able to get myself to write, which is always frustrating and upsetting.

anyways in terms of getting yourself to write and, more importantly, to like what you're writing, here's what i've got for you my friend!

telling yourself that you're not going to care about it being perfect is the only way to get through it, i think. i do what i call 'flashdrafting' which is the fastest and shittiest version of something. i don't even pay attention to punctuation and full sentences, i just slam through stream of consciousness as much as possible without thinking about it. i get really into the groove doing that and then i move that text to the bottom half of my screen and type at the top, just retyping what i wrote into full sentences and paragraphs, adding details, etc. it helps me not overthink things too much.

i also do sprints in discord! i'm in a couple of servers with people i write with and doing those timed writing exercises helps me not only get a couple sentences out at least, it engages a communal aspect that is really helpful to me. of course this only works if you have like. a server to write with people in, but similar effects can be achieved setting a timer for five, ten, fifteen minutes etc. or just telling yourself fuck it, i'm adding 100 words to this story.

writing the parts you're excited about first can also help, i think. of course then it's a pain in the ass to go back and lay the groundwork for them or connect the scenes but sometimes that helps you realize that maybe you didn't need the parts you weren't excited about in the first place, or it'll give you motivation to get through those parts.

if you feel like you really hate what you're writing, switch to something else. that's what i do. i think it's really easy to get n one's own head with any creative endeavour, especially writing. you probably hate it mostly bc you wrote it. i end up hating a lot of the stuff i write and even if i'm lying to myself when i say it, i get through that by telling myself 'you hate it bc you wrote it, it's not that bad'

and, finally, having people to write with/get excited about writing with/hype your writing up. i cannot emphasize how critical this is. i would not have gotten anywhere in any of my projects if it weren't for the wonderful people - here, on anon or with a name attached, or in my dms, or otherwise - who are cheering me on and hyping me up and getting excited with me. it's hard to feel like your writing is garbage when someone you respect and enjoy talking to is telling you it rules, yknow? and it can be hard to build that kind of community but honestly, it's just about showing up i think. join a server if one exists, start messaging with writers you like, just start posting about your writing. building that community is like. i wouldn't be writing nearly as much as i do as often as i do if i didn't know it mattered to other people too.

#gav gab #gav answers #long post #h my gd im sorry that's so long but. there you have it. #writing

[yellowocaballero]

HEY!! Your trigun swap au is so very good!! I've always loved roleswap aus as a concept, and yours is the perfect example of why. it's all about the balancing act of twisting the (swapped) character's background/mentalities for maximum domino effect while not actually *destroying* the character ya know? you still gotta recognize them, it's half of the fun. just some little nudges here... and there... with the delightful result of a changed plot/world that you can discover anew

Also I surprisingly vibe with Dr Knives. a lot. what can I say I guess it's the fucked up superiority-inferiority/guilt complex with a dash of imposter syndrome. also the transgenderism. he's just like me fr fr (minus the speciesism and bloodlust) 1/3

SPEAKING OF! I'm literally a week late for that but chapter 4 may be my favorite so far. it's got it all: Ww's bloodlust coming through and being given a GUN, M&M being #JustNormalGunsmokeKidsThings about it, Knives being incredibly tired and enthusiastically murderous in turns, TRANS PEOPLE!! Funky morally dubious trans men ! Intersex nonbinary Knives (in humans terms) !! small internal rants about ecosystems!

I particularly like that one bc I too found myself twitching whenever I see (in fics or fandom at large) Gunsmoke being shown as a ~hostile, barren~ planet when, like.... *waves agitedly at the Tomases* *waves frantically at the WORMS, in all their INCREDIBLY DIVERSIFIED sizes and shapes* tell me there isn't an entire ecosystem supporting and including these bad boys. And god do I wanna know about it. Terraforming this terraforming that. Enough. I want bio-worldbuilding fics that are just as weird and unhinged as the rest of trigun (2/3)

To go back to Nicholas : I loved his discussion with Knives about fate and predestination and stuff (esp since -I may be reading too much into it, but it’s interesting that Knives says he doesn’t believe in predestination anymore, and just a bit later goes about how his personality is Like That bc he’s Biologically Programmed for it), and his last words in it are especially ominous. WHAT were you gonna say about Vash. How does it concern Nicholas. This is gonna bite them in the ass later isn’t it.

Also ur last asks/answers REALLY doesn’t reassure me about woowoo’s fate. Is he gonna die. Is he gonna end up going thru the same things than his canon counterpart (concentrate of medical-and-general unethicality). Idk what those flags are for but boy They Are There.

Aallll that to say I absolutely love that fic and can't wait to see what you do next with it, thank you so much !! (3/3)

This is so nice thank you so much :D :D :D To comment in order:

Roleswaps are no fun if you can't recognize the character. You're absolutely right - the funnest part is to make the smallest changes possible, and see how they cause the biggest differences. That's true of every AU, honestly - you guys know those 600k shonen manga aus where something major is different but every story beat is identical to canon? Or they're identical to every other au? They're addictive but without substance. Also sounds boring to write.

It's so funny that you (and others) vibe with Dr. Knives! From my end, he has my own very wry deadpan and self-esteem problems. Characters who have both a ridiculously inflated ego for comedy purposes and some real self-esteem problems for drama purposes work great.

I was surprised that so many people enjoyed the trans thing so much! I didn't expect it to make people so happy. Of course it's a nice surprise. I don't remember why I made the BDN decision (funny, probably) or the 'Knives invented gender reassignment surgery' thing (funny definitely), but a very active decision and something that made Knives above every other character fun to write is that he is not a human being and does not think of himself as such. The way his body experiences emotion is different, his body itself is different in a way that probably includes genitalia, and there's no reason for him to experience gender the same way. As I'm about to talk about in the upcoming chapter, he casually refers to himself as a thing and with it/its and it doesn't affect his superiority complex whatsoever.

I...would not have said that this is trans by myself, if that makes sense, because I wouldn't have wanted to say "in order to really hammer in how this character is INHUMAN then I'm gonna make him not male or female and prefer neopronouns!". It's just the shape of the character, to me. BUT LIKE IF Y'ALL LIKE IT! NO PROBLEM! I was just worried I might be saying the wrong thing, so I didn't want to say it, if that makes sense. Y'all can say it though.

Trigun worldbuilding is nonsensical and hideously vague and as a writer if you stop and think too hard about silly questions like "where does the wood come from" or "why is Vash eating salmon sandwiches" then you go insane. But...yeah, Gunsmoke's like any other ecosystem, and its worms and thomases seem to be doing great! It's not Gunsmoke's fault it is almost completely uninhabitable to humans. It sucks for us, but...does Knives care about that??? Lmfao???

There is a shitton to say about Knives' relationship with predestination and inevitability, because it's why he made the worst decision of his life. I think of it as...reasonable, in a lot of ways. If all you knew about humanity was what you read in history textbooks, and human history ended with the destruction of Earth and themselves, how would you feel? Everything humans have done, they do again. And if they dissected your sister, in an act of cruelty that they had done to even themselves...of course you'd worry. Of course. If you're young and scared and you can hear the screams of the dead in your ears, of course you feel like it's going to be you or them. And if you're.........Millions Knives.......and reverse!Vash.....then eliminating the threat is just good business sense.

And you aren't reading too much into it - Trigun in so many ways is about choices, and the impact of your choices. Your decisions are you own, and you must take responsibility for them. Decisions have weight in Trigun. I think what ppl miss sometimes about Vash is that he also wants to fuckin' murder people sometimes. He wants to be violent, he wants to hurt. He just chooses not to. Sometimes choosing pacifism is a hard fucking choice, and I think wiping that away does a disservice to the character. So if Knives would say, "Well, it's just who I am, I had no choice, I had no control, I just go nuts and murder it's not on me..." - what does that mean, in Trigun? It's??? Like??? A pussy thing to say???

But, the way I thought about it - what Knives is fighting is his internal sense that he is predestined for cruelty. He knows "who he really is" and any attempt at goodness is futile, because he's secretly bad and will always be bad. And he fucks up sometimes and starts exploding worms. But Knives chooses goodness, and I don't think he's really cottoned on that his choice to do good is more important than his internal desires to do bad and his history of badness. Because he hates himself.

I think what Knives knows now as an adult is that our lives have paved a path for us to tread. Sometimes that path is innocent, and sometimes your life paves a very nasty path. But it's our choice if we walk it or not. Knives knows what his path is, and it gives him extreme shame - but he chose which one he walked, and that's what I judge him on. Still funny how much he loves murder though.

#i did tag as trans knives so the ppl who are purposefully seeking out genderweird characters can find it #the chapter im about to post talks about this a lot so stay tuned i suppose #it's also worth noting that Knives views a lot of his instincts as a good thing or at least neutral #he hates that he packbonds but. he secretly doesn't mind THAT much ya know. #and i think for him the fact that he views his knives as being meant not just as #instruments of hilariously extreme violence #but as meant to protect the people important to him #is an important part of his self-image and i dont think its a bad one #i mean its a bad one for canon knives because he's insane but. #my writing #my asks

[something-i-can-never-have]

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Hi, my name is rachii. just your average ADHD ridden young woman who loves video games and tons of other things!

Read more under the cut! ‪‪❤︎‬ ‪‪❤︎‬ ‪‪❤︎‬

:3

(ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ 𝒫ℯ𝓇𝓈ℴ𝓃𝒶𝓁 (ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ

My brother and I were born prematurely, so I have developmental issues, like a horrible math disability, ADHD, vision impairment, and processing issues. Growing up, I didn't really connect with other girls my age, because I had different interests, and in turn was bullied when I was a child and in high school, so that severely damaged my self esteem into adulthood.

I thought everything would be fine, and that I could make friends, and yes, I do have friends online, and I've endured various harassment over shipping throughout the years. I do try to keep to myself and do as I wish, but I ended up getting bullied/witch hunted just last year ( 2023 ) on an RP site where I had roleplayed as my version of Volo from Pokemon Legends Arceus.

This annoying clique decided that I was a threat and a pedophile when all I did was roleplay canon Volokari ( Volo x Akari) with another person. And they said they had evidence against me, but in character RPs don't count as concrete evidence. And then, they started telling people new to the verse to block/report my profile, and to stay away from me.

All I ever wanted was to RP in a place without judgement, but I couldn't even do that. And the worst part? There was a user who ran in their circles and I never knew. Before all of this drama occurred, we RPed together and were pretty chill, but apparently she lied, and said she was never my friend. That betrayal hurt.

So yeah, after going through what I did, I’m obviously gonna have trust issues.

( More on the full story in another post I'm working on.)

More personal stuff!

As for my personality, I'm soft and quiet and sometimes I'm very weird bc of my ADHD, but I usually am very cheerful and a sweet person who just wants attention, but at the same time, is scared of opening up due to past negative experiences. I'm also incredibly very sensitive, and cry easily in some situations.

𝙼𝚢 𝙵𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝙲𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚜

Volo from Pokemon Legends Arceus

Izaya Orihara from Durarara!!!

Master Chief from Halo

The Doom Slayer from DOOM

Samuel Hayden from Doom (2016)

Super Sonico from Nitro+ ( I love putting her in horrible situations with other men from various media lmao )

Jed Olsen | Danny Johnson | Ghostface from Dead by Daylight

N from Pokemon

Ryomen Sukuna from Jujutsu Kaisen

2B from Nier Automata

9S from Nier Automata

Lucoa from Miss Koyashi's Dragon Maid

Johan Liebert from Monster

( I have more crushes, but those are the ones I can pull off the top of my head.)

𝘔𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘴/𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴

˚₊‧꒰ა❤︎໒꒱ ‧₊ Video games! I like any game that catches my interest, but some of my favs are Pokemon, Animal Crossing, DOOM, Cyberpunk 2077, Halo, KinitoPET, Nier Automata/Replicant

Some of my fav mobile games are NIKKE Goddess of Victory, Reverse:1999, and Tears of Themis

˚₊‧꒰ა❤︎໒꒱ ‧₊ Watching various media online, as well as anime.

˚₊‧꒰ა❤︎໒꒱ ‧₊ Roleplaying, although I'm highly selective about who I RP with due to negative experiences.

˚₊‧꒰ა❤︎໒꒱ ‧₊ Writing fanfiction. Even though I'm doing my best to get back into it, and not focus on what others do and not compare myself to others.

˚₊‧꒰ა❤︎໒꒱ ‧₊ I love creating character aesthetics and aesthetics of all kinds, especially vaporwave.

𝙸𝚗 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐

This post is for proshippers, and anyone who advocates for anything in fiction, no matter how dark or taboo. This post is NOT for antis or minors. Stay a respectable distance away please!

Some more small facts about myself before closing

I vocally stimm a lot, and meow and hum!

I have no issue with skimpily dressed women in video games.

I'm not the most sexual of people, but I do enjoy dirty talking on occasion about what I'm into. ( Although, I'm more interested in fictional characters going at it, than talking about myself sexually.)

I LOVE sweets, like cheesecake, ice cream, and cake. Also cheese pizza is the best!

I am attracted to 2D girls in media, but am straight in reality.

I am the only one who enjoys horror in my family.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to close this out, but feel free to interact with this post and message me if you'd like my discord!

#introductory post #intro post #video games #horror #pokemon #roleplay #anime #proshipper #proshippers please interact #proshipper safe #proshippers are valid #darkship #aesthetics #proshippers are welcome #proship positivity #anti harassment #antis dni #antis are hypocrites #antis stay away #facts about me #proshipping

[its-a-hil]

ok. random question. literally from the random question generator at randomwordgenerator dot cahm: What's your go-to funny story now, but was horrendous at that moment?

(i think it gave me a question i already know but eh shoot)

hm.

alright i think this is actually more of the reverse than the forward direction, but sure

when i was in middle school, i was such a horrible procrastinator (note: i am still one of those) that i often wrote rough drafts of essays during lunch

(the one year in middle school i didnt do this was when i had english 1st period. tbh i wish my schedule had worked out like that all 3 years, but alas)

but i got so comfortable just throwing out words with a pencil that i kept doing it and now i almost never edit anything bc i need to write it all in one go or it's wrong

but final drafts still had to be typed & printed, so it was only my rough drafts that were like this

fast forward to high school, and rough drafts became less of a thing

my compulsion to procrastinate did not.

oh also relevant here is that i was emotionally incapable of asking for an extension or submitting online after class or anything

so.

senior year of high school. we had an essay to write on Twelfth Night, where we had to pick a word that was repeated a few times and discuss its effect on the story

i picked 'fancy' and used it to argue the absolute bullshit point that it meant the whole thing was a dream, because i had no other ideas and my brain refused to set aside time to do something more reasonable

except.

i did not begin writing until lunch of that day.

i did not have access to the computer lab i had planned to write the essay in.

i pleaded with a friend to lend me his laptop, on which i did the most frantic writing of my life. i dont remember if i ate any food during that lunch period.

(according to my diary i also said something shitty to that friend even as he was doing me a massive favor, which. god.)

looking at the document now (ty google drive), it seems that i didnt actually finish the essay, just wrote notes on the different uses of the word

im not sure if it was just a rough draft or notes kind of thing that was due, or if i lucked out and the essay was extended or something? unclear

but what is clear is that i wrote 440 words in just over an hour, and that's not counting the quotes i had to transcribe (which also made up over 400 words)

the following night i turned it into an actual 750ish word essay in also about an hour, bc. yeah. (i still didn't write an intro until i printed it out during study hall the next day lmao)

so anyway the essay was shit, the teacher was genuinely confused and pulled me aside after the class where she handed the essays back

note: she was also the theater teacher & that semester i was doing the play afterschool, and i think she knew i was better than what i handed in

:/

in my defense i was fairly depressed that couple of months, partially due to an responsibility that i did not realize i could easily say no to. the only consequence that refusing that responsibility would have had is that i would have hated myself less and possibly liked engineering more

oh also looking at my diary apparently that was also the week that i taught precalc bc the teacher's partner was suddenly out for paternity leave and i had an essentially free period during the precalc class

so yeah that's probably the third most interesting week of my senior after the week that we had the play performances and the week i was out in the hospital when my lungs spontaneously collapsed

the funniest part of that story is that it took me another 3ish years to realize that i wanted to be a teacher, and another 2 years after that to act on that desire. lmao

anyway bc im sure you freaks want to see it, im putting the essay under the cut

Actual essay:

Twelfth Night is one of Shakespeare’s most fantastical plays. Even without the use of magic, the supposedly realistic events are completely improbable. There is evidence that the play was intended to be a fantasy, and throughout the play, the word “fancy” is used to suggest to the audience that the events of the play are little more than a fanciful construction of Orsino’s mind. 

Orsino speaks four of the six instances of “fancy” or “fantasy.” Two of these instances come in his first monologue, right at the beginning of the play. He claims that “so full of shapes is fancy that it alone is high fantastical” (1.1.14-15). As Adams says, in this passage Orsino claims “that his own imagination is so fertile that it is supremely capricious and whimsical.” (Adams 58). It is odd that the play would start with this double mention of fancy, especially when the word is not mentioned again until the end of Act two. It is even stranger that the plot concludes with Orsino making Viola/Cesario his “fancy’s queen” (5.1.415). Although Feste finishes the play with his final song, this line is the last spoken by any other character, and is a natural conclusion to the play nonetheless. There must be a reason why the play both begins and ends with a word only used six times throughout. This is the most direct clue that the play does not merely describe events in Shakespeare’s mind, but instead describes events in Orsino’s mind. 

More clues can be found by examining the other uses of fancy in the play. Sebastian remarks “Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep” after encountering a smitten, and unfamiliar Olivia (4.1.65). This line comes in one of the more fantastical scenes in the play, where Sebastian enters Illyria and is mistaken by everyone for Cesario. Sebastian can only conclude “this is a dream,” and calls upon fancy - imagination - to keep him from waking up. Sebastian addresses fancy as a powerful being, that has the ability to manipulate the world he sees. If the play does take place in Orsino’s imagination, fancy would have this power. Another thing to note about Sebastian’s mention of fancy is that it is in reference to Olivia. Her love for him, and reproach of the men who were dueling him, is the only reason he would want to continue living in this dream.

Olivia is a common subject of fancy, as used in its alternate definition of love. Malvolio, just before seeing Maria’s letter, thinks aloud that “should [Olivia] fancy, it should be one of my complexion” (2.5.24-25). Almost all references to fancy are directly related to Olivia. In fact, every major male character, except her uncle, is in love with Olivia. It is difficult for Orsino to conceive of a character who is not enamored when in the presence of the beautiful lady Olivia.  To him, when Olivia enters, “heaven walks on earth” (5.1.99). 

Regarding the rest of Malvolio’s scene, it is no less strange than Sebastian’s. The dour puritan begins with a statement of love for his lady, and then follows the insane directions of a letter that apparently describes her love for him, while the pranksters hide and watch in a nearby bush. Orsino’s mentions of “fancy” also take place in strange scenes. Without touching on the chaotic mess that is 5.1, 1.1 regards a Duke, who has been laid low grieving over his unrequited love for Olivia. She, in turn, decides not to admit any suitors until she has spent seven entire years mourning her dead brother. This scene feels almost surreal, setting the stage for the play that is to follow. Since almost every instance of the word fancy comes during a surreal scene, it can be inferred that the word is an indicator - a message to the audience that this play is a fantasy in the mind of Orsino.

There is one more use of “fancy,” however. During the argument between Orsino and Viola, Orsino speaks of men’s fancies as “more longing, wavering… than women’s are” (2.4.41-42). Twelfth Night is certainly long, spanning three months in Illyria, and the play constantly wavers from uplifting to demeaning, from reasonable to insane. The play as a whole fits so well with Orsino’s description of his “fancies” that one must wonder why that particular description was used. Interpreting Twelfth Night as a fancy conjured up by Orsino’s stricken mind makes a good deal more sense than attempting to reconcile the events with the real world. 

Work Cited:Adams, B. (1978). Orsino and the Spirit of Love: Text, Syntax, and Sense In Twelfth Night, I. i. 1-15. Shakespeare Quarterly,29(1), 52-59. doi:10.2307/2869169

The notes i wrote during the lunch period:

The first appearance of the word comes during Orsino’s monologue. The grief-stricken man describes his lovesickness by referring to his imagining of fantasies involving Olivia. Fancy is “full of shapes” to hear him tell it, filled with all kinds of images (1.1.14). This implies an interesting idea of the plot; it may be nothing more than a lovesick dream conjured by Orsino’s mind. After all, the plot is as “high fantastical” as something a distressed lover might imagine. (1.1.15). 

Malvolio’s mention of fancy is also about love and imagining it. He talks about “her [Olivia’s] fancy,” but the context of the scene and the rest of his dialogue imply that he is the one who fancies Olivia (2.5.24).. Malvolio claims that Olivia has said she would fancy “one of my complexion,” indicating that Malvolio has, through confirmation bias and imagination, convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him even before reading Maria’s letter (2.5.25). The fact that Malvolio, the outwardly stalwart Puritan, is as fanciful and in love as Orsino is a strong device for making fun of the Puritans as Shakespeare was wont to do. 

Sebastian has his reference to fancy when he meets Olivia and finds that he is the object of her fancy. 

[Discussing of the other two quotes]

In Twelfth Night, characters mention fancy when in fantastical scenes. Orsino had neglected his duties as a Duke to be lovesick over Olivia, Malvolio convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him moments before happening upon a letter regarding Olivia’s love, Sebastian came to a foreign city and found that a woman he had never seen was madly in love with him, and the final scene is perhaps the most fanciful of them all. Everything comes together in a hilarious, satisfying, and utterly unrealistic way. The use of the word fancy indicates that a scene either was or will be fanciful. This implies that Shakespeare is breaking the fourth wall, drawing attention to works of the imagination when the audience may be considering the play as imagination. In that way, Shakespeare implies that this comedy, however nice it may seem, is just a lovesick fantasy in the mind of Duke Orsino. 

Note also that almost every mention of the word is in reference to Olivia. The only exception is when Orsino calls Viola his “fancy’s queen,” but Orsino could just be (Inception-style) trying to prove to himself that he can love another. That is why the timeline does not make sense; Orsino needed to believe that his mind was not so changeable, that he would need three months with another woman to move past his love for Olivia. 

Quotes:

1.1.14-15:

Orsino: “So full of shapes is fancy 

That it alone is high fantastical.”

Context: These lines conclude Orsino’s opening monologue about his lovesickness and passion for Olivia. The monologue is discordant throughout, and this line sounds very arrogant, that nobody but a lover could have an extreme imagination.

This quote illustrates Orsino’s arrogance about his position (which is expanded upon in his later argument with Viola) and tells the audience that Orsino has spent some time cooped up in his mansion thinking of Olivia. 

2.5.23-25

Malvolio: “I have heard herself come

thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one

of my complexion.“

Context: This comes just before Malvolio finds Maria’s letter, when he is fancying that Olivia might be in love with him. He has almost convinced himself of her love even before he sees Maria’s letter, which would be a strange coincidence if Twelfth Night was not a comedy. 

This quote describes Malvolio’s desperation to be loved by Olivia. He uses a few choice words and actions of Olivia as a justification for her love, indicating confirmation bias and lack of perspective. 

4.1.63-66

Sebastian: “What relish is in this? how runs the stream?

Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:

Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!”

Context: This comes just after Sebastian enters Illyria and finds a beautiful woman suddenly wish to marry him. It is so illogical that he believes he must be dreaming, and he wishes for fancy to keep him from waking up. 

This quote tells us that Sebastian is wondrous at his entrance to Illyria. He forgets about Antonio as soon as strange men wish to duel and a strange beautiful woman claims to be in love with him. Sebastian is far more relaxed than most people would be in this context, especially if they could not find Antonio, the only person he was close with for the past three months.

5.1.412-415

Orsino: “Cesario, come;

For so you shall be, while you are a man;

But when in other habits you are seen,

Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.”

Context: This is the last line spoken by any character except Feste. It comes after Orsino learns of Viola’s true identity and gives up his love for Olivia. 

This quote implies that Orsino still thinks of Viola as Cesario, at least while she is in men’s clothing. 

#lifeblogging #sorry for it being so long #but i also fact-checked myself on a lot of details thanks to having the edit history and thanks to writing everything in my diary #so ty past sahil dont know what we'd do without your need to write for us

[afewproblems]

love your stories but i couldn't bring myself to fully read your cheating!eddie fic bc i stay away from any stories with those plotlines but, i couldn't help myself and ended up skimming a bit of it, and i had a question after reading a certain part.

did eddie have sex with the person or was it just making out with whoever tf was? both are still super bad obv bc he's married ffs and cheating is cheating and ofc steve's history with nancy and johnathan. it's just that it said that eddie had hickeys all over his neck, but when robin was tearing him up for her soulmate, she said that he [eddie] didn't love steve enough bc he put his dick inside someone else, but then eddie wanted to argue about that part so i was just confused :]

also steve is a literal angel, cheating is such a deal breaker, i wouldn't even be able to look at eddie or give him a second chance 😭

sorry and ty in advance!

Hello nonny!

I think in my very first post I had kept it a little vague, more up to interpretation for the reader to decide how far Eddie went with the fan. But as I continued writing this, I leaned more so in the direction that Eddie did in fact have sex with someone else.

When Robin calls him and accuses Eddie, she calls him a coward and that was more so what Eddie wanted to argue with her over.

From her perspective:

1. Steve and Eddie had a really big fight (Steve absolutely would have confided this to her, tried to ask for advice on how to move forward).

2. After Eddie goes on tour he is almost immediately photographed kissing a fan and leaving the bar with them.

Robin is incredibly angry with him because this was a huge betrayal to her friendship with Eddie as well, the fact that he could do something like this, for him to mess around behind Steve's back is almost unbelievable, unforgivable.

Eddie regrets this action as soon as it happens, for him sleeping with someone had nothing to do with how he felt about Steve, he was lonely and drunk and made a mistake. Maybe part of him was a little angry, maybe part of him felt unappreciated by Steve and someone young and pretty was throwing themselves at him and he made a terrible terrible decision that night.

So for Robin to say that he must not have loved Steve very much, in Eddie's mind this isn't true at all and doesn't have any baring on what happened.

It's flawed logic and selfish but that's kind of how I think he was operating at the time.

I originally wasn't sure if I was going to have Steve and Eddie ever reconcile or even be in the same room together after this but, the last ask I received I mulled the scene over again and again in my head and tried to think about how I would feel if this happened to me.

My better half and I have been together now for 12 years and I don't think I would even believe it at first if I saw pictures of this sort of thing. But with just over two months of silence and loneliness and being without the person who you tell everything to, I think at the very least I would want to have a conversation and be held again.

And that is how I approached writing this ending. I'd like to think that Steve and Eddie will find eventual happiness and forgiveness with one another some day. Through counseling I think they could get there.

Thank you for sending this nonny! Don't worry at all, nothing to be sorry for 😊 I'm glad that you like my work, and it's absolutely okay to avoid tropes or premises that make you upset -I completely get it! I hope this answered your questions!

#afewproblems answers #linz speaks #steddie cheating au #thank you for sending this!

[suzakushimon]

Thoughts on Jing Liu quest?

AHAHAHAHA (negative connotation)

u came to the right person anon, i have a lot to say...

IT WASNT THAT GREAT..... at first i spent a whole night convincing myself it was a reasonable way for the story to go but they did dan heng WAY too dirty. idk why luofu writing is so SHIT but if the current scandal is true and an employee rly has been messing w the story just to mess w the female fans, it explains a lot 💀

there were parts i liked: the art + the fight scene was a banger + how jingliu points out dan heng fights exactly like dan feng. it emphasizes how, whether he likes it or not, there are some things dh has inherited from df and he cant escape that. his appearance, his spear, his bracer, the ribbon, his vidyadhara powers, etc etc... if it wasnt for df, dh wouldnt be who he is today-- thats the truth, and its something dh can grow to accept.

but holy FUCK. the way they handled everything else. dan heng's memories. jingliu's introduction and her motives. blade's characterization. THE PLOTHOLES. just....ITS KINDA ALL WRONG!!!!!

IN MY OPINION. dan heng's whole POINT is that he doesnt remember his past life/his "past". he considers those memories as "not his", and asserts himself as his own individual person without them. its IMPORTANT he doesnt remember anything + that he doesnt NEED to bc this way he contrasts march 7th and the trailblazer, who also dont have their past memories-- but those 2 WANT to remember, are actively trying to, and they DO consider their past memories/past life as part of "themselves". whereas dan heng runs from his past and tries to find his "true self" without it, march and trailblazer run towards theirs, trying to catch glimpses of their "true selves" through it.

SO THERE'S LITERALLY NO REASON HE HAS TO REMEMBER DAN FENG'S PAST. it completely messes up his character arc/the message his character is trying to send!! they backpedaled so hard on their stance towards dan heng... first it was "only u can determine who u are, no one else; the expectations others hold for u dont matter" and now its "u are him no matter what u do, these sins are yours". like WHAT???? jingliu's quest just made more people equate dan heng with dan feng when the story is SUPPOSED to emphasize that they r DIFFERENT PEOPLE💀💀💀💀

dan heng did decide to face dan feng's sins, but he's NOT a part of the quintet. he's a WHOLE NEW PERSON. so why was he invited as a part of the quintet, but bailu wasn't?? its like theyre saying bailu is a whole new person, but dan heng is still dan feng, WHICH GOES AGAINST HIS CHARACTER THEMES(i am silenced and forced to sit down) anyways imo if bailu didn't have to attend the worlds worst high school reunion, dan heng shouldn't have had to attend either!!!! THIS AINT HIS PROBLEM. DAN HENG GET BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!!

his convo with blade at the end was so ooc it killed me. like, a little walk with his past life's old friend, and suddenly he's willing to forgive blade's literal years of stalking and attacking him??? now hes willing to play along with the vengeance he spent his whole life insisting was directed at the wrong person???????? i only chose that option bc the one on top sounded so wimpy/out of place it also felt ooc to me 💀 he wouldnt show weakness to blade, but there's no way he'd be that accepting either. maybe 3 years later and x patches in, but not NOW...

and jingliu. ooooh girlie. JINGLIU. THEY DID HER SOOOO FUCKING DIRTY. she's a new character. casuals/people who dont dig through lore don't know anything abt her except that shes jingyuans teacher. so why is her INTRODUCTION a fucking CONCLUSION TO HER CHARACTER ARC???? shes already DONE wandering and finding an answer in her heart. shes already DONE deciding whether or not to keep running or face her past. now shes mourning for a PERSON WE DONT EVEN KNOW. we watch her get closure for her dead girlfriend. BUT SO WHAT??? WE DONT EVEN KNOW EITHER OF THEM!!! SEEING HER GET CLOSURE MEANS NOTHING TO US. ITS JUST AWKWARD. why was her INTRO her fucking CHARACTER ARC'S CONCLUSION!!!!!!! they should've made her quest like luocha's, where all we did was speculate and her real motives remained a mystery. then we couldve been spared from this shitfest!!!!

the difference in quality between belobog story and luofu story is insane!!!! like, just compare luka's quest to jinglius....hello??? its crazy how unsympathetic they made her. it was literally "tell not show" instead of "show not tell".

anyways im just upset at dan heng's treatment. like, this character has a clear message/direction they were going for, but jinglius quest kind of stomps all over it, and her quest was supposed to introduce her but her introduction flopped hard. she was so much cooler when we saw her during yanqings quest and she was half insane. its awkward to mourn for someone we dont even know and its awkward to watch someone we dont know mourn. and, ngl, it rly felt like they only added dan heng in there bc they want more ppl to care abt the quintet. that whole quest couldve been through jingliu's pov where the reunion only happened between blade, jingliu, and jingyuan, so why wasn't it??? as opposed to those three, dan heng already moved on from the past. it was awkward for dan heng and for the audience💀

tldr i had high expectations bc i thought hoyo cared abt the quintet but not only did it flop it also dragged dan heng's characterization through the mud

#my mumbles #as a dan heng stan. they fuking STAINED HIS NAME #ok im prob gonna stop editing this. so its the final ver LOL