#why did I get more embarrassed about being gay and trans in college | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

margot-bargot · 3 years

Text

Hey, everyone.

So we kinda need to talk.

Remember in the beginning part of Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild how you left the cave & the world outside immediately seemed so large & expansive? But then after you do some exploring, you found out that was just a small plateau & the vast majority of the map hadn’t even opened up to you yet?

Okay with that in mind, Remember how I came out as pansexual back in 2018? And how, with that epiphany, I thought I had uncovered all of the truths about myself? Welp, turns out I didn’t! Turns out there was much more than just that plateau for me to discover! And the ongoing pandemic has given me plenty of time to hash some things out in that regard. So….yeah…..

I’m trans.

And non-binary.

And gender-fluid.

Specifically, I’m a non-binary trans woman. I use both she/her & they/them pronouns. I’ve also got a new first name, but more on that later.

Ok so let me explain.

First, let me get y’all the wiki link for non-binary:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-binary_gender . To sum it up, folks who are non-binary are not 100 percent male or female. Part or all of their gender identity may lie somewhere between those two binaries. There are more specific names/identities that fall under non-binary (such as agender, demigender, etc) so non-binary often ends up being like a catch-all term for anyone not purely male or female. That’s why It felt right for me, because it also contains the whole “gender-fluid” part of myself. Basically wanting to move freely & explore different aspects of my gender identity, some more binary & some more androgynous, so to speak.

And if you don’t know what it means to be trans, I got the wiki for that too: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender . Basically being trans means that you are a different gender than the one you were assigned to at birth. So for example, I was assigned Male at birth. But I’m not a male. I’m a girl. A non-binary trans girl, in fact! Now, if you want to learn more about the experience of being trans, here’s a link to the Gender Dysphoria Bible: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ . You’ll learn a good amount of what trans people experience with regards to gender dysphoria.

That’s about all of the explaining I’m gonna do as far as terms/definitions go. And now here’s the part where I tell you how I came to this conclusion. Really, it should have been obvious when I look at everything altogether.

Basically it’s the same situation as when I came out as Pan. My religious upbringing was not exactly a healthy environment for exploring gender identity. Obviously if being gay was a sin, being trans was even worse. I might as well have just walked into the church covered with pentagrams. And my young mind didn’t exactly have the context to know what gender identity even was. All I knew is that I was designated male at birth but that there were elements to me/my personality that were not masculine. Again, I tried to not focus on that & tried to dive deep into Christian self-help books that were focused on what it meant to be masculine, trying as best as I can to be the ideal Good Young Christian Man (“Wild at Heart” in particular is a book that comes to mind as a frustrating example from my teen years).

College years were especially odd. Being in theater gave me the permission/cover for me to express more feminine sides of myself. That said, I was still afraid of being seen as some sort of “other” so I would still do everything I could to be seen as “one of the guys”, especially with dudes on my dorm wing. It’s embarrassing to think about now, but I really did try to hide behind the most stereotypical, toxic version of masculinity. That worked just about as well as the Christian self-help books worked (aka it didn’t work at all lol).

Fast forward to 2017. One of my closest friends came out to me as a trans woman. Of course by that time I had left religion behind & had become much more accepting of folks in the LGBTQIA+ community (even tho I had no idea I was a part of it just yet). And this was a close friend, so even if I didn’t fully understand it at the time, I wanted to be as accepting as possible. I knew that shit couldn’t have been easy for her. It also got me thinking about myself & my own gender in a way that I previously hadn’t allowed myself to do. But because I didn’t experience the same extreme Dysphoria that she experienced throughout her life, I thought I was just a dude & left it at that. It wasn’t until much later that I realized every trans person is different & not all of them experience crippling Dysphoria from the jump. And sometimes trans people experience Dysphoria & don’t even know that’s what they’re experiencing (which is basically what happened with me)! Some trans people don’t even experience Dysphoria as their assigned gender but find that transitioning to a different gender feels much better for them!

Fast forward again to 2018. I came out as Pan & thought I had things all figured out lmaooooooooooooooo.

At this point, I actually wanna stop & talk about where I’ve been at for about 10 years now. I’ve been in what could generously be called a slump but is more likely severe depression. I hated myself. I hated my body & how it looked. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated trying on clothes. I hated myself for not fitting the image of how a man should look (even though that wasn’t something I actually wanted, rather it was something I felt was expected of me). I just felt like an ugly lump of flesh. The body issues existed back in high school & college, but they got much worse as time went on. During any free time, I would stay in my room & play video games. And that’s it. I was constantly either sad, depressed, or filled with dread/anxiety. Friends & roommates would complain that I had grown absent or wasn’t as involved in their lives. I didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with me & I didn’t think any of these issues were causing the emotional slump that I was in. When I came out as Pan, that lifted some of that weight off of me. However, things quickly went back to the status quo. It was a drop of water in the desert, so to speak. I knew I needed help, but I didn’t have any motivation to figure out the help I needed. The world was burning around me (literally & figuratively) so why bother? Why not just waste away into obscurity? It felt like I was destined to be in this hole forever. A wasted life.

And then the pandemic hit. And all of a sudden I had tons of time to think about things I previously hadn’t even considered. I can’t even tell you how it happened, but I started to think about gender in a way that wasn’t just me trying to run from it or find an easy answer. I started to think about how nice it would be to be a girl but how it wouldn’t matter because I would just be an ugly girl. Why bother going through all of the hoops just to still hate how I looked & felt? I would lie in bed & cry thinking about how awesome it would be to go into the Hyperbolic Time Chamber from Dragonball Z, go through hormone replacement therapy, get whatever surgeries I wanted, & exit a woman who was happy with her body. Then I could maybe be happy with myself. This kept going around & around in my head, to the point where I had to confront the possibility that I wasn’t a cisgender male.

(And just a quick sidenote here even though I’m sure it’s obvious: cisgendered people do not generally fantasize about being the other gender in any way. Not a single cisgendered person I’ve ever met has even thought about it for more than a second. And yet here I was thinking about it non-stop! Seems like that should have been a red flag for me lmao. Anyway back to the point….)

Eventually I found the courage to come out to my friends as non-binary back in July of this year. At that point, I didn’t know where I would ultimately end up, but the idea of my gender being fluid & being able to move freely in that space & present however I wanted to sounded nice. It sounded like much more freedom than I had ever given myself. Eventually, I told my trans friend that came out to me 4 years ago that I was non-binary. She asked if I wanted to try on some women’s clothes (like some tops or dresses). I said sure, thinking in my head that this might be fun but if not, I’ll just humor her. So she gave me a top to try on. I looked at myself in the mirror.

And just like that, a lightbulb went off in my head. I….liked how I looked in it. I looked at my body in a non-masculine light for the first time in my life…and it felt amazing!

Later, I found out that this is what’s referred to as Gender Euphoria. It’s what trans people experience when they finally get a chance to dress/present/see themselves as their actual gender instead of the one assigned to them at birth.

After that night, I honestly still thought this could be a fluke & that I was just excited to try on feminine clothing. So I tried on some more. Then I bought some tops, skirts, dresses, makeup, & nail polish. And with each one, I felt that same euphoric feeling that I felt the first time. And I really liked how I looked! In fact…..I was hot????

I was hot!!! I’ve never felt that way about myself in my entire life! Back in the day, If I was lucky, I would find an oversized hoodie that looked cool & hid my weight. I thought that would be the closest thing I would ever find to feeling attractive. But never did I ever dare to think of myself…as HOT! That felt like an insult to actual hot people! But here I was….a hottie! Even if the clothes were tighter, revealing, or form-fitting…and even if I didn’t feel like I “passed” as a woman/femme in them…I still felt attractive in them! That absolutely blew my mind lmao.

But how could this be? I thought I didn’t experience Dysphoria, so how could I be trans?

Turns out, I was going through Dysphoria. All those years of hating my body, hating how clothes looked on me, feeling complete & total ambivalence about the masculine parts of myself, crying because I wanted to be a woman, wanting to fade away because I could never feel comfortable in my own skin….it was all there, in plain sight. I just didn’t have the language to describe what I was going through like I do now.

In other words, I didn’t know I was trans from a young age. I just knew that something wasn’t fitting right. And now, all these years later, I finally knew what it was.

So yea, about a week after coming out as non-binary, I came out as trans.

It’s been some time now since then. I’ve started HRT & have been on it for a few months now. I’m also starting therapy sessions soon to help deal with the unresolved issues I didn’t feel like were worth my time before. That’s the really wild thing. When I came out as non-binary & trans, I suddenly found the motivation I needed to actually take care of myself (physically, mentally, & emotionally). Before all of this, I didn’t see a reason to care at all about myself. Now, I have a clear purpose & a goal to shoot for. Turns out this is what I was missing this entire time!

Ok so now that you have a little background, it’s time we talk about the hard part. I know y’all have known me as one person all of this time. And that person was a dude. I don’t exactly know how many of you are going to accept this side of me. I could have just nuked my Facebook account & started all over. I completely get why other trans/NB/queer folks do that (especially those that come from religious homes/families). But I’m choosing not to do that. As far as family, most of them have either passed away, don’t talk to me anyway, or would not care. So that is one obstacle that I don’t have to deal with. But even outside of that, I’ve never operated that way & I’m not starting now. I want you to see me as I am & then make your decision from there. I know some of y’all reading this are religious, conservative, or both. I don’t have any expectation that you’ll understand or accept this. It would be nice if you did! That would make me very happy, in fact! But that’s your call to make. Quietly unfriending me is fine & I honestly would prefer that instead of blatant misgendering or dead-naming.

On that note, I understand by doing this, I’m basically painting a huge target on my back. Trans people (especially trans people of color) are pretty regularly the victims of violence & bigotry. The murder rate for trans women is very high, both in the United States & elsewhere. The media always elevates cis people who want to talk shit about trans people & say we’re ruining society, then cry “cancel culture” whenever anyone calls them out on this. So yes, I know the path ahead will not be easy. But fuck it. I’m not going back to the damn closet now that I’ve seen the light of day. I wouldn’t trade being trans for the whole world.

The rest of y’all that don’t fall under that religious/conservative category may not have ever needed to consider your own gender identity. So while you may be accepting (which I absolutely appreciate!), I know this is something that’s very confusing if you don’t understand what I’m dealing with here. The Gender Dysphoria Bible I linked above should help at least give you some perspective on what trans folks go through. I definitely encourage perusing it at your leisure if you’re at all curious or just want to know more.

At the end of the day & despite everything….I’m still me. Yea I’m non-binary & trans. But I’m still me. I’m still Traeger. Just a happier Traeger with a much healthier self-image.

Girl Traeger! What a concept!

Either way, I hope that y’all can still see that & we can still be friends, even if some of this seems strange to you.

So getting back to the name stuff…I’m in the process of legally changing my first name. I’m keeping Traeger as my last name. That’s what most people call me anyway & it’s a pretty gender-neutral last name. So no problems there if you wanna keep referring to me as Traeger!

But as for my old first name….its time has passed. It’s what is referred to as a “dead name” & I will not be answering to it any longer. Instead, I’ve chosen a new name that I’ve had in my mind for a little over a decade now.

My name is Margot. Pleased to meet you all :).

2 notes · View notes

solarcitymelodies · 4 years

Text

Wowza sorry y'all about the random massive Rockafire spam, I'm pretty sure ??most?? People on here? know me for just Knight Rider because that's the only thing I've ever REALLY posted about--

but I Do Not Care it's RAE hours right now so uhhh here's some headcannons that probably aren't Canon compliant very much because I just got into RAE like last week

So like. I feel like Mitzi is a Good Amount younger than the rest of the band like she was in highschool when she joined, the rest of em were all Adults™ and she was a little bit nervous about it because...... ADULTS™

She was just lookin for a place to get her singing voice out there, because ya girl REALLY wanted to perform, and showbiz happened to have a slot open, but she did not expect all of the members to be older than her (although looking back, she realized she probably should have expected that)

It was intimidating at first but Billy Bob and Fatz were just the absolute sweetest and they introduced her properly to the rest of the band because she was like "oh I barely talk to them because I get nervous :(" and the resident dads p much said "aight we can do all the talking for you then, how about that?" And badabing badaboom she's now attached to these two and like honestly who isn't or maybe that's just me but ANYWAYS I feel like the band would become a second home/safe space for her

Yeah fr some reason I have BIG long headcannon for her joining the band but the rest of them? Nobody knows how they got there for all I know they just Showed Up One Day

Also I came across this

https://youtu.be/UU7BeUWQBDI

youtube

Which got me thinkin about what my headcannons were as far as sexuality/gender stuff

And I find the concept of Billy Bob being Very Much Straight And Ignorant but trying his hardest to be a good ally SO funny like if someone came out to him he'd probably be like "oh!! I don't understand why you would choose that lifestyle but I respect you!!" not realizing how incredibly stupid he sounds sjkrjh like I don't think he can very easily wrap his head around how people are just. not cishet. so he's like "OH then it must be a choice, right? like you can choose to be gay but you're born straight. Right?" and everyone just shakes their heads in the background but he does earnestly try his best and my man would rather DIE than disrespect someone's pronouns I know this for sure

Fatz is pretty similar, straight ally and a lil confused but he's got the spirit, you know? He still least knows being gay (as well as,,, m o s t sexualities that aren't straight, although some he doesn't get/know about at all) isn't a choice but he hasn't quite grasped that being trans is also not a choice. He will respect your pronouns to hell and back but by god he doesn't get it,,, he's trying though and he feels very accomplished in himself that he's starting to get the hang of using they/them even though he slips up a lot

The rest of the band encourages the HELL out of these two because they're. Trying their best and making an honest effort which is more than a pretty good chunk of people would give

Rolfe, Earl, and Dook are the reasons Billy Bob and Fatz are trying so hard to understand it lmao

Rolfe took it upon himself to hang up a MASSIVE gay pride flag backstage, being the flaming homosexual that he is, and the rest of the squad quickly realized "oh he's GAY gay he wasn't kidding" because at first they literally thought he was joking as he was actually just being openly and obnoxiously a raging mlm (and like I mean no shade to him this isn't me tryna to make fun of it because my dumb sapphic ass almost crashed my car once because I saw a pretty girl walk down the street. And by "once" I mean. Yesterday.) Anyways yeah that's when the rest of em Realized and were like "OH" but after the massive pride flag was hung up that prompted Dook to come out and they were all like "???? YOU TOO????"

Dook is a non-binary ICON he's a demiboy and goes by both he/him and they/them and probably would have a bunch of pride pins I think,,, I'm not really sure of his sexuality though!! honestly he kinda gives me bisexual vibes but Who Knows . Not me. He has a HELL of a time trying to explain his gender to the rest of the band (except for Rolfe because like. He's a part of the community so he knows) and basically he was met with "so you're just a dude but ✨spicy✨?" and it was like, "no, but I have no idea how to explain it in a way that will make sense to you, so. yes?" And that explanation seemed to suffice for most of them

Mitzi went in knowing NOTHING about what being non-binary was so she asked a l o t of questions about it, which Dook just kinda dealt with answering (he's heard most of it before, and it gets tiring after a while. if you're nb or trans or honestly any part of LGBTQ+ you know what I mean) but he thought it was really sweet of her to be so determined to learn about it and eventually she did get a grasp on it ish, so she was able to understand why it wasn't just ✨spicy male✨ (the conversation pretty much went "well if i was just male, don't you think I would label myself that way instead?" "....oH TRUE!!!") and she ended up a VERY passionate ally, and she'll ask occasionally about how to be better at it, bein a queen as she is 👉👉 also definitely started questioning her sexuality after a while and just went with "maybe bicurious" and Rolfe, Dook, and Earl were all like "ONE OF US, ONE OF US"

Earl has never once spoken about his sexuality in his life, because 1. He's very aware that's an awkward conversation to have with a puppet, and 2. He's aroace anyways, which is basically what people assume even if they don't realize it just for their own peace of mind, because seriously, puppets and any identity that ISN'T aroace creates a really uncomfortable mental image for... Most people, pretty much. So it's not like he ever needed to say anything about it, which is convenient for him because he wouldn't want to say anything either way. not worth the risk of embarrassing himself and making everyone feel awkward

(side note ish though Rolfe 100% came out to Earl first and was met with "I already knew that but okay." Rolfe was mildly offended)

And spEAKING OF EARL he's VERY much sentient but he can't say he's particularly enthusiastic about it because Rolfe has to carry him around everywhere

He can move on his own but it's limited and generally annoying to maneuver around with his tiny body so he just says screw it half the time and stays on Rolfe's arm or hitch a ride on Random Object, but like... Yeah, the majority of the time Rolfe just has to deal with only having one arm available and a puppet directly next to him making fun of him at every possible chance

They high-key have chaotic and unorganized college roommate vibes (like they're actually roommates because... Where tf is Earl supposed to go?? So Rolfe took him in) and idk if this is really like a part of my headcannons or if I just think it's funny so I keep entertaining the idea of it but I think it would be Fantastic if Rolfe had no idea how to cook but Earl somehow did so this idiot is trying to take instructions from a puppet, who can't physically show him what to do, and it's like Hell's Kitchen live featuring a furry and a sentient stuffed animal

Aaaaamd going off of my Rolfe and Earl headcannons still Rolfe for SURE has some sort of executive dysfunction issue. ADD or ADHD I'm not sure (probably ADHD) but he definitely has it also this totally isn't just me projecting how dare you accuse me of that

And!!! More about Dook!!!! I don't know how or why I thought up of this but I cannot possibly imagine him any other way now-- he's autistic and space is his Big Huge special interest, and if you ever ask him about it you have to be prepared to get infodumped or possibly even shown a PowerPoint presentation, because GOD he loves space!!! He wants everyone to know all about it!! He knows not everyone thinks it's as cool as he does so he tries to keep his mouth shut but when someone asks about it he can't help himself and will infodump a LOT, also haha drumming stims go brrrr, playing the drums isn't really a stim but he likes to just take his drumsticks and whack em around in the air and get that good ol Wavy Arm Action (wavy arms is best stim change my mind you can't it's GOOD)

Also i bbbbelieve earlier I reposted somethin about someone else headcannoning that he has echolalia, which I don't really know enough about to say anything on it?? But even if he doesn't have echolalia he'd probably repeat phrases over and over until he gets tired of them (which is,,, something I do lmao, it's either memes I get stuck in my head or things I've heard from various medias I like the inflections in (like one tiktokker I saw was talking about their tourettes and their vocal tics and one of them was "uh oh! How unfortunate!" and now I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT)) but like uhhh yeah :))) repeating phrases that get stuck in your head for various reasons for the win

This is already really long so I'm just gonna vibe out thanks for coming to my Ted talk feel free to ask questions I probably won't be able to answer a lot of em though because my headcannons are a Mess hehe >:)

#WOOOW GROMIT #rae #rockafire explosion #rock-a-fire explosion #i still don't know what tags y'all use #someone pls stop me from stealing peoples vocal tics i find on tiktok #like seriously #the one i mentioned as well as are stuck in my head #SIZZLE IT UP G R O M I T #he lp #lmaooo anyways yeah i love these characters im biased towards rolfe and earl tho they're my favorites

25 notes · View notes

batmanisagatewaydrug · 4 years

Text

book blogging #2: reorganizing my to-read list in light of All Of This

I want to be clear about one thing right off the bat: this isn’t intended to be a strategic, ~topical~ book blogging post to show off how profoundly #woke I am and win me white ally points. all of these books were already on my to-read list (with the exception of Angela Davis’ autobiography, added because I can recognize that I have a lot to learn about the history of Black activism). they’re all simply taking on a higher priority because, while amplifying and learning from Black and trans voices is always important, it feels a little extra urgent right now.

so, what am I nabbing as soon as I can get back to the library?

So You Want to Talk About Race (Ijeoma Oluo)

I’m actually not even waiting to get to the library for this one; I paid actual cash money to order and own it, which is exceedingly rare for me. I’ve been following Oluo’s work ever since she wrote this cutting profile of Rachel Dolezal, and I genuinely don’t have an excuse for why it’s taken so long to get to her book.

How We Fight For Our Lives (Saeed Jones)

this was a recent addition to my to-read list, added with great enthusiasm after watching Jones’ closing keynote at the 2020 Midwestern Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender and Asexual College Conference. (this was in mid-February, pretty much right before 2020 went entirely off the rails.) I can’t say I’m usually a fan of poetry, but his was lovely, and the way he spoke so casually to the crowd was even better. I’m excited to inhale more of his words.

An Autobiography (Angela Y. Davis)

as noted, this is the only book that wasn’t languishing on my to-read list to begin with. I’m embarrassed to admit that my awareness of Angela Davis has mostly been limited to “badass cool Black feminist lady.” while all of that is undoubtedly true, it’s also incredibly simplistic, and it’s definitely time to grow on that. it almost must be noted that I just really dig good autobiography.

I’m Afraid of Men (Vivek Shraya)

I first learned about Vivek Shraya through her music, which you should listen to, but as an artist she’s also approached pretty much every other artistic medium, including books. I’m Afraid of Men is a short read in which Shraya talks about “being too feminine as a boy and not feminine enough as a girl.” I was happy to see my library order it for our Pride display last year, and now that’s it been an entire 365+ days it’s probably about time I got around to reading it.

Uncomfortable Labels: My Life as a Gay Autistic Trans Woman (Laura Kate Dale)

I learned about Laura Kate Dale in the most unexpected way possible, by listening to her guest spot talking about her book and giving advice on episode 468 of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. I’ve been following her on Twitter ever since, where you can find an abundance of spicy trans gamer girl hot takes. (I assume. I know nothing about games and therefore have no clue which takes count as spicy.)

The Deep (Rivers Solomon)

because you know ya boy cannot make a list without some fiction on it. this is one of those books that it’s taken me awhile to figure out how to summarize this one briefly, and I’ve landed on “mermaids are the descendants of African slave woman and the main character is the one responsible for carrying everyone’s collective trauma. also it’s based on something Daveed Diggs did with his rap group, I believe.” which is still a mouthful, but doesn’t it sound intriguing?

Freshwater (Akwaeke Emezi)

once a-fucking-gain I must admit to noticing a book, thinking it sounded neat, and then majorly procrastinating on actually reading it on account of all the other books I was already trying to read. I’ve been meaning to get into Emezi’s work for awhile - they’ve just released another adult novel and have a YA book about a trans girl as well, so there’s plenty to catch up on - and hey! It Is Time.

#bookblr

24 notes · View notes

a-cai-jpg · 4 years

Text

“what do you think is the biggest issue plaguing our society?”

hm. capitalism? or this idea that life is a zero-sum game? or the blatant disregard for human life that isn’t our own? or the prioritization of our wants over other people’s needs?

READING LIST:

The New Jim Crow - Michelle Alexander Fatal Invention - Dorothy Roberts The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks - Rebecca Skloot The Case for Reparations - Ta-Nehisi Coates (and bruh, if you're too lazy to read a book, check out the nice Instagram graphics)

Today, I heard a song that I used to listen to a lot when I drove to and from work. In the past three months, memories of work have muddled and swelled and distorted until they become small snippets in my dreams that have increasingly made less sense as quarantine drags on. The frequency at which I speak of my students and teammates at the dinner table have decreased, even more so in the past week as the program ended and we are no longer obligated to get up around 9 in the morning and sit in a half hour to one hour call with each other.

Parts of me miss it. Although I like being able to lounge in bed until the sun is begging me to throw my covers off and wash my face, I am somewhat wistful for the structure that those days had offered me.

But the thing that gets me the most--the thing that makes me suddenly interrupt the comfortable silence in the ktichen with a sigh or the thing that makes me accidentally press the brakes a little too hard when I'm driving--is the fact that my work e-mail is now terminated. I now have no access to the lesson plans I've created for my students, the student profiles that I still sometimes think of when I'm alone and want to add to, the OneDrive that my laptop screen has been so accustomed to hosting. With a "Log-in Denied" screen, the disconnect between my students and I had become permanent.

Someone recently asked if I was going to write about my experience, and although in the beginning (like really beginning, like August 2019 beginning) I had planned on doing it, as time wore on, I realized how measly my written account would compare to the actual experience.

See, what made the experience worth it was the smallest, most trivial interactions with my students and my teammates. It was the delirious mornings before 7:15 AM, the semi-hysterical 10 minutes before 3:00 PM, the weariness of 4:30 PM when a student is still chatting and not leaving the classroom, and the restlessness of a Friday afternoon. It was when a student wandered into our classroom during class (uh oh) or right before the end of lunch just to update us about something or when a student showed up for our after school program and all of us cheer and the student takes an even longer detour to walk over to our table because they were lowkey embarrassed. Fuck, it's when a student fell off his chair laughing but the process of falling took over a minute so I didn't notice until he was physically on the floor, when another student and I hid in the back of the classroom to play Super Smash Bros and I was so stressed because I swore the substitute teacher knew we weren't doing schoolwork, when a student kept saying these two words that I didn't get and after asking him to repeat it so many times he was going "MISS STOP PLAYING" I realized he was saying "cookie jar," when a student tried to play Battleship against me but underestimated by psychic powers, when a student finally understood mRNA transcription and protein translation and gained confidence in himself and in biology as the year goes on, when a student was causing a ruckus but then we waved hi and he beamed at us and came up to greet us like we have made his day, when a student tried to tell me I have a chance in marrying Jackson Wang because we're about the same age, when a student screamed "Congratulations miss" across the classroom because he thought it would be appropriate for the beginning of English class, when a student conspired very obviously with my teammates to play "Happy Birthday" for me on my birthday, when a student found a two-person game to play with me even though I suck at computer games because he wanted to include me in whatever he was doing with his friends--see.

I can list all these memories, but what they actually mean wouldn't make sense to anyone but me and my teammates.

And there are other things that I can't really describe in a sentence. Like the contours of a connection with a student, how it starts off from hello's and compliments to their hair, and then becomes conversations about racism and sexism.

Sometimes I ask myself, Annette, you spent a year supposedly serving to alleviate inequity in schools. Why are you not talking more about whatever the clusterfuck is happening right now? The racism, the discrimination, the white supremacy clusterfuck that's apparently ripping apart families (to which I applaud).

In the beginning, I talked about systems and inequity a lot. I remember a friend and I literally sat in a Jollibee's all the way in West Covina, debating angrily and passionately about racism until the sun set. I would have lengthy text message conversations about it, sit in cars and talk and feel angry but also like I was doing something.

But fuck, as the school year went on, I just got more and more angry.

Fuck talking about it, I would think as I drove home near tears. Fuck talking about it if no one is going to do anything.

I suddenly hated talking about systemic inequity. It was just such a jarring feeling, sitting in a classroom discussing inequity and not fucking being able to do anything about it. I was so pissed that superintendents, policymakers, all these people with important titles would talk and talk and talk and fuck all would happen in the schools. I felt like a fucking hypocrite, talking to the students about systemic inequity and then not being able to do anything about a racist teacher or a punitive administrator. It was like fighting a damned uphill battle with just your 8-person team when it was promised that everyone else--schools, programs, fucking lawmakers--was fighting the same damned battle with you.

I was pissed that money and programs flood the schools, but fuck all is happening in the community or all the money is being used in the wrong places and there's inequity in literally whatever the fuck we were doing as we march into schools declaring that we're alleviating inequity.

And honestly, I'm still fucking pissed.

I ride a thin line between being an elitist about systemic inequities and having a holier-than-thou attitude and being fucking pessimistic about the world. It was sitting in that classroom, that I finally felt, for the first fucking time, utterly hopeless.

And it was a weird feeling, because I didn't really know how to talk to other people about it, because the fuck do I know about systemic inequity, living in my sheltered ethnic enclave, cruising through innocuous YouTube videos about sewing or some shit?

See, the thing I can't fucking stand about people who talk big ideals and policies and shit is that human beings become a statistic. They become a damned number or a martyr or a beneficiary.

Don't get me wrong--I'm a numbers, data-oriented person, and being able to have statistics to back up my claims about racism makes me feel safe. BUT why the fuck does a person have to become a damned statistic before they matter?

(yes i know there's a cause and effect that happens, but that's not right. no one should have to fucking die for people to realize damn, yeah this shit's messed up.)

I remember in sophomore year, I attended a race seminar, and was called in to chat with the two seminar leaders a little while after the seminar ended. After a while, I just kind of fell silent and stared at the table for a while, and one of them asked, "Annette, what are you thinking?"

And I said it fucking pissed me off that people die and become a statistic and then suddenly so-called change happens and people start caring but what about that person who died? And maybe it was the first time that I fully recognized the value of a human life and the potential of a human life, and that was why I was so distraught. Because I had been seeing Black men killed by police as a damned statistic, but during that week when all we did was talk about race and protests and riots and Ferguson, all I could think about was what if Michael Brown hadn't died, what he could have done and what color he would have had in his life.

This is such an elementary and rudimentary point to make, but fuck, people don't get it. A human life matters.

Period.

A human life matters.

So what if there is a criminal record? So what if he isn't a college graduate? So what if she is a sex worker? So what if they were intoxicated and in a stolen car? Fuck you, none of that constitutes a fucking death sentence, and who the fuck are you to indict them anyways?

(wow this took an unexpected turn.)

But.

I think it's important to talk about systems. To recognize the political implication of the BLM movement, to understand the historical and political context of racism. You can't fight systemic racism without that understanding. But all of it has to be rooted in viewing each person as a full human with full dignity. There cannot be White saviors in politics, fucking old, White men who are honestly both sexist and racist being hailed as heroes because they're fighting for minority rights like no calm the fuck down that's literally what they're supposed to do.

Like yes applaud them but fuck, applaud the minority women in Congress who are doing so much fucking more.

I think everyone needs to have that kind of reckoning, where they sit and fucking realize that damn yeah, Black people or poor people or trans people or gay people or fucking women are like.

People.

With potential and dignity and life and are wholly deserving of potential and dignity and life.

And to have that cut short by something that was a product of the very fucking system created to strip away potential, dignity, and life is unjust and not something that should be ignored.

And once you have that kind of reckoning, you can move on to understanding the system and how American history was literally shaped by racist, White men with the overarching goal of creating a society where they would always be in power.

And maybe the two learning processes have to happen in conjunction. It probably should happen in conjunction. But regardless of how it happens, nobody should just sit back and say "Yeah, I'm a good person, it sucks that so and so was killed or arrested," because that does fuck all.

If you can't do anything about it, at least feel fucking pissed about it, so pissed that if one day someone said something dumb as fuck, you will have the courage to tell them they are fucking dumb as fuck.

(ok maybe don't put it that way, but honestly, if you're righteously angry, who can determine how you are to show your anger?)

READING LIST:

We Were Eight Years in Power - Ta-Nehisi Coates The Health Gap - Michael Marmot The Color of Law - Richard Rothstein

(books to be read by me)

2 notes · View notes

mitchsmarners · 5 years

Text

in just four minutes | chapter four

.“That’s… Jesus, Eds, what the fuck, actually? I thought those anti vaxxers were a Internet meme.” Eddie burst out laughing, and he laughed so hard that tears welled in his eyes and fell down his cheeks. Richie Tozier reminded him everyday why he was Eddie Kaspbrak’s favourite fucking person in this world.

[or: Eddie Kaspbrak hadn’t planned on being an absolute cliche the fell in love with his college dorm mate, but ain’t that just the way. To add insult to injury, said room mate has a girlfriend … doesn’t he?]

chapter warnings: mentions of transphobia, mentions of homophobia, sonia kaspbrak’s manipulative parenting.

Richie was understandably groggy the next morning when he rolls out of Eddie’s bed. He manages only to roll from the mattress onto the ground, groaning, and curling up into a ball once more. Eddie had already been awake for an hour or so before Richie showed even the smallest hint of stirring, and he’d prepared this type of reaction. Kneeling down in front of Richie, Eddie pushed at his room mates shoulder until he rolled over, glaring up at him.

“No.” Richie said, pouting kind of adorably up at Eddie. “Whatever it is you want, no. Just leave me here to die.”

“Advil. Water.” Eddie said simply, trying to keep his voice at a reasonable volume as he held up the objects in his hands. Richie’s face light up as much as it could will he still managed to look pretty fucking miserable. He accepted the medicine and beverage from Eddie as though they were the best gifts he’d ever gotten.

Richie had finished the water and the two of them have gotten back onto the bed when Eddie turned to Richie. Richie took one look at the seriousness of Eddie’s expression and seemed to panic. “Oh, shit,” he said under his breath, starting to shake his head. “Did I say something last night? Something embarrassing? Okay, no, actually don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” Eddie raised his eyebrows but Richie’s mouth was off running before Eddie had a chance to say a damn thing. “Actually, tell me. I think I should know… except, you know, is it really bad? Do I not want to know? Eddie!! Is it bad?”

“Richie,” Eddie clapped his hands to the sides of Richie’s cheeks and forced him to meet his gaze. “You didn’t say anything bad or embarrassing, at least not after you got back here. You barely said anything at all, you passed out pretty much the second you got into the door.”

“Oh. Okay,” Richie nodded, seemingly almost too relieved. He was still rubbing his hands together anxiously and Eddie almost abandoned this whole thing right then. “Then… what? Why do you look so serious?”

“It’s… a bunch of things?” Eddie said, frowning. “It’s… I feel like we get along really well, I like to think of you of my closest friend here. I do, you’re like my best friend.” Richie beamed, letting himself lean a little bit more into where Eddie was touching him. “But it’s also…. you’ll just do something, or say something, I know you aren’t telling me stuff. You don’t have to tell me anything, obviously, but it just… it’s like you don’t think we’re friends the same way I do.”

“Eddie.” Richie said, sounding almost pained. He took hold of Eddie’s hands on his cheeks and clasped their hands together in their laps. “If Stan didn’t exist, you’d definitely be my best friend! I know what you’re talking about, the weird stuff, and I was going to explain everything, I don’t know why I… Didn’t. I guess I was just after it would ruin everything.”

“Richie…” Eddie looked at Richie’s face, scanning it slowly while Richie seemed to thinking through his words in a way that Eddie had never seen him do before. “You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfort-“

“Eddie, I’m trans.” Richie said quickly, squeezing his eyes shut and squeezing tightly at Eddie’s hands. Eddie blinked, letting the spat out information wash over him. He let it settle over him, shifting all the things of the past few months fall into place.

“Oh.” Eddie said, nodding now. Richie’s eyes flew open, seeming panicked. “That’s actually makes sense, yeah, I see that now.”

“Is it…” Richie cleared his throat, looking like he was trying to find the closest escape route from their shared dorm while still fighting off a killer hangover. “Is that a problem? Do you hate me?”

“What? No!” Eddie tilted his head down so it was level with Richie’s downcast eyes. “Absolutely not. Richie, you’re the exact same person you were before we had this conversation. Nothing is different.”

Richie pressed his lips together as though he was trying not to cry and tossed himself forward, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s shoulders. Eddie let out a startled little laugh, patting Richie’s back in what he hoped was a very platonic fashion. Richie pulled back, wiping at the hints of tears, and gave Eddie a smile so soft that it made Eddie’s stomach clench up.

“My name’s been Richie since like eighth grade,” Richie said, seeming unable to stop talking about it now that the door had been opened. “Stan was the first person to ever call me that, and it was just… you know?” Eddie didn’t know, but that didn’t seem to detour Richie at all, and Eddie wouldn’t have wanted to. “Kids are school were little assholes, you know. They didn’t get it, at all. Sure, we were just kids and one day I was somebody and then I started becoming somebody else. My parents wanted to move us to a different town when I started to transition, I’m not sure if it was for me or because of me.”

Eddie nodded slowly, rubbing his thumbs along the backs of Richie’s hands.

“And then one day…” A starry look came over Richie’s face. “These kids were just being their usual asshole selves, whatever, going on about how I’d ever get a girlfriend if I was trans, that I should have just been a lesbian- as if I was fucking bisexual as the colour purple-“ Eddie’s eyes widened, never having heard anything about Richie being anything other than heterosexual before, but Richie ran right past it. “And Bev comes up, she takes my hand and turns to those douchebag kids and says that I won’t need to find a girlfriend because I already had one.”

“That’s how you guys got together?” Eddie asked, forcing a smile. It was a hell of a story. Pretty fucking amazing, actually, some serious TV shit. An odd expression came over Richie’s face and he looked slightly over Eddie’s shoulder, smiling slightly to himself.

“I’m assuming…” Richie said slowly, starting to grin. “That my relationship with Bev is some of the weird stuff you’ve been noticing?” Eddie felt himself blush, and shrugged slightly. “Bev and I have never been together. For like, one second.”

Eddie opened his mouth, closed his mouth, then opened it again. “Come again?”

Richie laughed. “Bev pretending to be my girlfriend when we were thirteen was like some sort of weird armour. It didn’t stop all the bullshit transphobia, but I think it really did help. Like those straight boys could make fun of me all they wanted, but I was dating the hottest chick in school, you know? Humbled them a little bit, between the beatings.”

Eddie shook his head, wishing he couldn’t relate to that. Wishing that there wasn’t anything to relate to in the first place. Wishing it was a better world for them both. But Richie was still smiling, and Eddie didn’t want to interrupt the flow of Richie’s words.

“And so long as either of us ever found anybody we really wanted to be with, we didn’t see any reason to stop presenting ourselves as a couple. I don’t think even Mike knows we’re not really together.” Richie crinkled his brow, confused and set off course for a moment. “And up to now, we haven’t found anybody we were interested in. So.”

Eddie and Richie made eye contact for the first time since Richie had started speaking, and they both smiled in unison. Eddie squeezed their hands again and cleared his throat. “I got… I got a lot of shit in high school, too. I don’t think it’s the same of whatever you had to go through but I was gay, and you know... I seemed gay. Looked act, acted gay? People were calling me gay before I knew what gay even was, really. Then there was all the stuff with my ma.”

“What about your mom?” Richie asked, and it seemed like he must have been able to see the way Eddie started to shut down at the question. “Hey, no. You’ve like, never told me about your parents. I won’t make you, but it seems fair, don’t you think? I just-“

“My dad died when I was five. Cancer.” Eddie said with a sigh. “I feel like it broke my mother, in some terrible mental way. She was, is, fucking nuts. She had me on all these fake pills, and made think I had asthma even when I didn’t, as some sort of weird control thing? I want to say it’s because she was worried about me getting sick and dying like Dad, but I had to sneak out and illegally get my vaccinations when I was sixteen because she thought they’d cause autism.”

Richie stared at Eddie for a long moment. “That’s… Jesus, Eds, what the fuck, actually? I thought those anti vaxxers were a Internet meme.” Eddie burst out laughing, and he laughed so hard that tears welled in his eyes and fell down his cheeks. Richie Tozier reminded him everyday why he was Eddie Kaspbrak’s favourite fucking person in this world.

They both fell backwards onto Eddie’s bed, side by side, staring up at the ceiling while Eddie still let out little chuckles. “Looks like we both have some shitty origins,” Eddie said with a small wheeze.

Richie chuckled beside him. “All the best stories do.”

#reddie #reddie fic #my writing #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #ifjm

78 notes · View notes

serraphima · 5 years

Note

All the abc OC questions for Erin!

aaaaaaaaaaaaa ty mara, imma put it under a read more so there isnt a huge thing to scroll through

A1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? shes a pyromancer and a dumbass2. what activities have they participated in? uh they were in robotics club in college3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? (no clue what that means) but she keeps her friend aria alive with the augments she makes4. what things are they bad at? talking to cute girls, being a person5. what is their most impressive talent? she can dislocate her shoulder on command

B1. what is their hair color? red2. what is their eye color? green3. how tall are they? like 5′44. how old are they? 32 i think?5. how much do they weigh? 160

C1. how do they sit in a chair? the wrong way all the time2. in what position do they sleep? curled up in a ball3. what is their ideal comfort day? chilling out with her partners4. what is their major comfort food? why? anything with a strong lemon taste that isnt a lemon5. who is the best at comforting them when down? her partners

D1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? she cant decorate worth a damn2. how would they decorate their child’s room? she wouldnt have any kids tbh3. how do they decorate their own room? posters everywhere, failed experiments and other stuff strewn about with clothes4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? she likes tight pants, crop tops, and a denim vest with boots on warm days, on cold days she wears skirts, tights, long sleeve tops and flannel with a denim vest5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends? she likes them in theory, not in practice since shes terrible with doing makeup

E1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? kinda? like shes outgoing sometimes but shes also likes being alone, it depends on whos shes with2. do they do things that conform to the norm? only norm she conforms with is being gay3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? she does her own thing sometimes, follows trends other times4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? she tries to keep up but hardly can5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? she portrays herself as she is (ie a sarcastic bitch with a dry wit)

F1. what do they do for fun? set fire to things2. what is their ideal party? not a party person3. who would they have the most fun with? she loves being with her partners and has the most fun with them4. can they have fun while conforming to rules? she could if she was boring5. do they go out a lot? she doesnt really go out on her own a lot

G1. what is their most attractive external feature? shes happy with how her thighs and ass are so she loves showing them off as much as she can2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? shes extremely caring but doesnt like to show it to everyone3. what benefits come with being their friend? being a human test subject, you get to learn how to do fighting games, and seeing her in default state (which is only a bra and underwear)4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? she likes her thighs and ass, hates having her cock5. what parts of others do they envy? she envies that faith has a vagina and cant wait to get her own

H1. do they rather a hot or cold room? she likes a hot place, she cant function in the cold2. do they prefer summer or winter? she loves summer3. do they like the snow? she likes melting snow with fireballs but besides that she hates snow4. do they have a favorite summer activity? she likes going to concerts in the summer5. do they have a favorite winter activity? stay indoors with her partners and watch scary movies

I1. what is their sexuality? shes homoromantic bisexual2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? oh the entirety of her high school life3. have they ever questioned their gender? kinda, shes trans and had some trouble realizing that but shes happy now4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? they arent5. how long would/did it take for them to come out? her parents dont know a lot of whats going on with her after her second stay in the psych ward when she came out to them, but her friends knew the second erin knew

J1. what makes them happy? making her partners happy2. who makes them happy? her partners3. are there any songs that bring them joy? anytime her favorite band releases a new song4. are they happy often? somewhat5. what brings them the most joy in the world? being with her partners and helping aria not be close to death

K1. have they ever thought about suicide? yeah2. have they ever thought about homicide? thought about doing it outright? no, but some of the test subjects she finds dont live through everything3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? her parents4. who would miss them if they died? her partners5. who would be happy they died, anyone? probably her parents

L1. what is their favorite fruit? apple slices2. what is their least favorite fruit? whole apples3. are there any foods they hate? spicy foods4. do they have any food intolerances? she cant handle spicy stuff5. what is their favorite food? chicken picatta

M1. would they want a daughter or a son? probably a daughter2. how many children do they want? ideally none3. would they be a good parent? shes constantly worried shell end up like her parents4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? son would be named azarel, daughter would be named valeria5. would they adopt? probably

N1. what would they never do? hard drugs and be in a gangbang2. what have they never done that they want to do? be in a gangbang3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do? have a good relationship with their parents4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done? thought she was a straight guy5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do? successfully keep someone alive

O1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? she finds both to be annoying and doesnt like answering that question (shes more pessimistic than optimistic)2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? no3. are they good at giving advice? not in the slightest4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? probably bel5. were they always optimistic? nope

P1. what is their best personality trait? her quick wit2. what is their worst personality trait? her inability to read emotions3. what of their personality do others love? her caring nature4. what of their personality do others envy? her scathing remarks when other people are dumb near her5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? she hates she cant read emotion that well and hates overly chipper people

Q1. do they ask for help? nope2. do they ask questions in class? and look like a nerd? fuck that3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? she tries to4. do they ask weird questions? more often than not5. are they curious? yes

R1. do they follow rules? theyre more guidelines and guidelines are more lenient to following than rules are (doesnt really follow the rules)2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? shed be a bad parent3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? many times4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? nope5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous? she find a lot of rules pointless

S1. are they street-smart? not really2. would they give money to someone on the streets? yes she does that a lot3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? many times4. has anything happened to them on the streets? she beat up people sexually harassing her5. are they cautious when out? she carries a pistol and a knife everywhere

T1. are they honest? she tries to be2. can they tell if someone is lying? not well3. is it obvious when they’re lying? if you know her yes, if you dont its hard4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? nope5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? kinda?

U1. have they been bullied? yes2. have they bullied anyone? also yes3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? no4. have they ever been doubted? not as often as she believes5. have they surprised people with being good at something? people who dont pay attention to her a lot so she constantly surprises them when they start to pay attention to her

V1. do they vomit often? she hasnt puked since she was a baby and shes proud of that2. do they get lots of stomach aches? yes3. are they good at comforting someone ill? no4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? being warm and cozy5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting? she hiccups a lot when shes nauseous

W1. do they drink enough water? she doesnt like water, it feels weird in her mouth2. have they learned to swim? yes3. do they like to swim? a bit4. can they dive? no5. can they swim without holding their nose? yes

X1. what is their favorite genre of music? lot of good bass and drum lines, hard guitar riffs2. do they have a favorite song? anything her favorite band puts out3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? yeah but good luck getting her to tell you (babymetal)4. can they sing well? a bit5. can they rap? nope

Y1. how old were you when you created them? i think like 19 or 202. what inspired you to create them? i kinda figured out i was trans and wanted a character like me but that was a girl (so i project onto her a lot)3. were they different when they were first created? she started out as a destiny oc, she was my warlock4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? i cant say tbh5. what’s your favorite thing about them? shes a lot like me

Z1. what’s their favorite animal? cats2. do they like animals? she likes cats3. cats or dogs? cats4. what’s their dream pet? like a big cat but housecat sized5. do they have any pets at the moment? nope

#barovias-sweetheart

1 note · View note

things-we-used-tc-share · 6 years

Text

Boys Your Age

Trans!Patton is my aesthetic so here we go. Royality

TW: Discussions of Dysphoria and poor mental health. It will be an overall rlly happy fic because honestly, trans angst makes me feel worse about everything

Patton meets a boy in his drama class, who could not care about anything else in the world but himself, and Patton of course, he really is very interested in Patton.

Patton gets on with a lot of people, he’s a very kind person and sometimes that can attract the best and worst of others. He had previously learned the hard way that being kinda can sometimes end in people using you like a rug, in that they walk all over you. His parents told him he had too much love to give, although, in a fond way, of course, they were proud of their son no matter what anyone else may have to say about him.

It’s his first year of college, in fact right now it’s his first day, and his hands are shaking whilst playing with the hem of his jumper, entering his classroom for the first time. There were roughly about 20 people in the class, some awkwardly detached from the others, and soon chatting excitedly about the course content or otherwise. The majority, however, were crowded around a boy balancing on a table, dramatically proclaiming his love for a...broom? His left arm strung outward, his face a comedic exaggeration of pain. Enthralled by the other, Patton joins the crowd, a wide smile across his face.

The boy seems to notice as he gasps exaggeratedly “ A prince!” The crowd parts slightly as the brunet gestures wildly for him to join him. Patton laughs and seats himself at the edge of the table, not wanting to risk standing up on high ground given his track record with clumsiness. “Fair prince, how may I assist you, do you need saving from a wicked witch? Are you cursed?” Unable to contain his laughter, the caramel eyed boy ducks behind his soft ebony curls, flushing red before pulling a stern face, nodding solemnly. “Never fear, for I, Prince Roman, will defeat the evil that is-!”

“Okay Roman, that's enough,” A man with a stern expression broken only by a small smile appears seemingly from nowhere “I’m sure your poor prince is capable of defeating evil by himself, not everyone needs saving,” The boy, Roman, bows none the less as he scrambles down from the table. “Well, it’s nice to know at least one person in this class checked their embarrassment at the door, please take a seat class, I’m Professor Sanders and I’ll be your tutor over the next three years, I know, tragedy,” Roman looks over at Patton, gesturing for him to take a seat next to the other.

“What’s your name?” he stage-whispers dramatically. “I’m Roman,” The darker haired boy takes his seat next to, whom would later be determined as, the class clown. He pulls his satchel off of his shoulder and places it on the floor, holding his hand out for his new acquaintance to shake.

“Patton, Patton Hart,”

“Charmed, Patton, and I’m already quite sure you’ve stolen my heart,” He shakes his hand, a low blush forming on the shorter’s pale cheeks, looking away for a moment. “Now, we should probably actually listen to the Teach,”

Roman was quite an enigmatic character indeed, as he and Patton grew closer as friends and his flirting stepped up a level every time they interacted, Patton was growing closer to finally telling the other about himself. They’re sitting outside but the outdoor fountain munching on their lunch when the smaller boy finally tells him what has been weighing (no pun intended) on his chest. “I’m trans,” He says softly “It’s why I’ve not really been engaging in your...advances, I guess, I didn’t want to disappoint you,” Roman’s eyebrows furrow and it’s the first time he thinks he’s seen the other actually genuinely serious.

“Are you a boy?” He finally asks “Whether or not you were born or previously identified as anything else, are you currently a boy?” Patton nods, fiddling with his fingers “Then you can’t physically disappoint me, you’re a boy, I’m gay and as long as you don’t break my poor fragile heart into a million pieces, then we’re good,” Patton smiles, ducking behind his curls again. “I accept you no matter what, and anyone, unless they’re purposefully dickheads, then I don’t support or love them very much,”

He’s bundled into a hug, the boy with light brown eyes tucks his head underneath Roman’s chin with a gentle ‘thank you’ “I was just...scared...I mean, I thought you would realize yourself and bring it up, but when you didn’t...” He’s silenced by a small kiss atop his head, filling his heart with butterflies as it thudded in his chest.

“I had speculations, I will admit, but I mostly put it down to you being an effeminate gay man, you would tell me at your own pace if it were anything else, and either way it wasn’t an issue for me, my job was just to woo you and hope for the best,” Giggles erupt from Patton’s throat.

“Well, you did your job very well,” He blushes “But I’m a lot to cope with, in a relationship, dysphoria is not easy to cope with, not just for me, but for the people who support me, and you have to know that and be prepared for the fact there are going to be days where I’m really not okay with myself or my body and I’ll need a lot of support,” Roman listens carefully and nods.

“I’m a hundred percent prepared to look after and support you in any way you need,” He says sincerely, and Patton can feel it, in his voice, see it in his eyes, he truly was prepared to do so. “All relationships come with challenges, and I can truly be serious when I need to be, I wouldn’t get into a relationship if I was not entirely prepared to deal with any and all challenges that come with it, now, I’ve never dated someone who is trans before, so I will need some help to understand how to help you, I will listen to whatever you need me to listen too, I will do anything that you need me to do, and I will support you in every and anyway I can, as a friend or something more, don’t ever feel the need to hide something from me because you feel like I can’t handle it, okay?”

Patton nods, taking Roman’s hand “Okay, I’d like to try this, then, if you're okay with that?” Roman smiles, no beams, and nods, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Patton’s head.

“Finally,” He sighs contentedly, an arm around Patton’s shoulder as they resume their food.

Taglist:

@unikornavenger // @mycatshuman // @spectralheartt // @creativity-killed-thekitten // @theresneverenoughfandoms //@punsterterry // @charmingprincey // @aclickonapostwillchangeyourlife // @heck-im-lost // @k9cat// @stilljittery // @romansleftshoulderpad // @sanderssideslibrary // @max-is-tired // @therealmoshar

Like what I do? Consider supporting me: Ko-Fi

#sanders sides #royality

72 notes · View notes

lokidyke · 6 years

Text

cw genital mention, discussion of dysphoria, discussion of sex, a very personal post in general

i've been thinking a lot lately. actually, not even a lot, but whenever i think about it, my thoughts hold heavy weight to them. i've been thinking about my gender, my body, and how i want to be perceived in the world. and i just don't know how i feel about it anymore.

overall i've come to the conclusion that i just... don't want to be seen. it's not even like "i just want to exist", i just don't want to be seen right now because i don't know how i want to be seen. i don't know how i want to exist and navigate the world.

i started questioning my gender when i was in high school, like many of you. since my gender intertwines tightly with my sexuality, i'll talk about that too. for my sexuality, i knew i liked girls when i was in middle school. i turned my head, looked over to one of my dearest friends in the world, and realized just HOW pretty she was. my heart felt like it froze. my brain said to me, "well, i'm bi." i don't think i'll ever forget that moment. it sparked a huge journey for me that doesn't even feel complete yet. maybe it never will.

i thought i was bi for a really long time. i didn't realize i was a lesbian until i started in college, so we'll get there when we get there.

i think it was freshman year when one of my friends asked me out. he was a boy. he had asked out every girl he had ever befriended, and after me, he went on to ask out more and more, until we were seniors and he was dating freshman. he gave off a goofy, immature vibe, so we never questioned it, but looking back, i should've told him how inappropriate that was. i have no idea where he is now. we were the same age, and he asked me out in the library, where we were surrounded by all our friends. he quieted everyone down before he asked me. again, looking back now, that seems like a manipulation tactic to pressure me into saying yes, as to not embarrass him in front of my friends. so i did, i said yes, and we effectively dated for an hour and a half. after leaving the library, he walked me to my locker before class, and asked for a kiss before we left for each of our classes. i gave him one.

even that quick peck made such a disgusting, slimy, steely feeling immediately rush down my body like painful electricity. i thought maybe it was because i just didn't like him. i never figured it was because i just didn't like boys. i couldn't think straight through that entire period, all i thought of was how bad that felt, about how i needed to get out of whatever relationship he expected from me. after class ended, i left the room and he was waiting for me. i immediately broke up with him, trying to be as gentle and apologetic as i could. i think he was very used to rejection, and wouldn't take it as a deterence, so he actually took the breakup quite gracefully. onto the next one, i suppose. i didn't care. i was just glad to be rid of him.

after that, i started thinking about my gender. i looked on youtube for any videos in regards to both trans women and trans men's experiences. i don't think i was questioning my gender at the same time as my fascination began, i just wanted to know everything i could about the T in lgbt. after that was when i heard about nonbinary identities, and read into them. i ended up jumping around from label to label during my experimental phase, but we'll get to that in a second. very similarly to my bisexual revolution, i read over the definition of demigirl, and thought, "yep, that's me." i ended up returning to that label for a brief time when i first discovered i was a lesbian, but that would quickly fade away when i began clinging to the label in terms of every way to describe my identity. sexuality, gender, self. lesbian.

during high school, i of course went through what some may call a "soft boy" period, but i never identified as a trans man. only different forms of nonbinary. agender, genderfluid, agenderflux. all sorts of words that allowed me to experiment with who i was. i was grateful for that allowance of experimentation without too much pressure to commit. for a while, i went by strictly they/them pronouns. "she" felt like someone fumbling to fit a key into the lock and never quite getting it to fit. "he" felt a bit attractive, but warped. i liked masculine terms such as prince, "soft boy", and even just... boy in general. a young boy. never "he". never a man.

this faded away again once i graduated high school. again i wasn't sure who i was, and just settled on bi demiwoman. getting into college, i discovered compulsory heterosexuality. i read up as much as i could from how lesbians described it, and my third revaluation hit me: "that's me. i'm a lesbian."

finally i felt like i was home. i had wanted to be a lesbian so bad, for so long, but didn't know i just... could be. i never connected the dots of my experience to the lesbian experience. but i was finally able to, and i was finally home. i'm a lesbian.

again, demiwoman still fit for me, as i had read about the nonbinary lesbian experience as well. still, even with going by a technically nonbinary identity, i never thought i was actually nonbinary. i identified too closely with my gender assigned at birth. i couldn't be nonbinary until i refused it.

but it's more complex than that, and i understand that now. being a woman for me is... dysphoric. not for being a woman in itself, but for existing as a woman who exclusively loves other women. a woman who lives under the patriarchy. a woman who is told everywhere and by everyone that i was never and will never fully be a woman. even "gay is okay!" liberals look at lesbians as a watered down version of womanhood. i know they do, i can feel it. it's such an alienating feeling.

i think that's why i feel stuck now. i'm a woman, a lesbian woman, and those two are so interconnected that i could never be one without the other. i could never be a woman if i wasn't a lesbian. never.

but under the patriarchy, under the gaze of men, i feel insecure. i feel lesser-than. i feel like "woman" is an identity i will constantly be clamoring for, always just out of reach. i don't fit the mold, i can't reach the standard.

i don't shave my legs. i shave under my arms much less frequently than other women may. i rarely wear makeup, and when i do, i've abandoned using foundation. my hair is short, and i get it cut by barbers. they raised the price at my barbers by three dollars for "women's cuts" once i started going there.

i love women. god, i love women so much. all that put together makes me an outsider. even when i wear dresses, tights, and put on lipstick, i am still an "other". i feel it, and it feels like everyone must know it. they can see through me. "you're not a real woman."

and yet, i'm assigned female at birth! they know i'm a woman, they glare at my huge chest, they see my curves, and yet they see me and think "do better. put in some effort." i hate it.

this summer i felt what i can only describe as dysphoria. i wore my bikini top and swim trunks into the pool, swimming alone. it was a pool party, consisting of a mix of my family and step family. i was out of sight of most of them, and yet, when i lied on my back in the water, with only my stomach and very large breasts poking out of the water, i felt it. i felt like i had to run, and hide myself. i wanted to cover myself and not look another person in the eyes for at least a week. i didn't want men to look at my chest, or even have the chance to. i hate it. i find my chest can be presented in such a sexy way, i've seen it, i want women to see it and feel hot from looking at it. but that's not an option. men linger, and men prey. other women, straight women, they look away, finding the mix of my cleavage and unshaven legs a disgusting, frankenstein-like mish-mash.

i watched contrapoints' video about dysphoria and related a bit. i thought about what she said in that one scene, imitating a female partner and herself pre-transition.

"why won't you fuck me?" "i don't want to." "why?" "it makes me feel like a man." "but you are a man." "well, i don't want to be."

i'm not a man, either. and yet there's always been this lingering sexual question throughout the years.

in my fantasies, i have a penis. when i use pornography to satisfy my needs, i love to be from the perspective of someone with a penis. i fantasize all on my own about the famous women i crush on being gentle yet dominate with me and my penis.

but i never want to be a man. i never identified with MEN. i don't want a man's penis, and i don't even really want a penis in general. it's a fantasy, and yet it feels so tightly woven in with my sexuality. it's what i like, what i fantasize about. and yet, i can't imagine topping a girl with a strap on. it feels too foreign. too dominate. not my style. in the streets, i'd defend any woman i love, any friends i care about, with as much un-lady like, rowdy screaming, insulting, and fighting as needed. but in the sheets, i want to be taken care of.

the idea of being penetrated is still terrifying to me. i think once i have my first sexual encounter, and am penetrated, perhaps that penis fantasy will fall away, and i will understand that penetration doesn't hurt, and isn't something a woman offers to a man to please him, but something beautiful that two women can partake in in order to please both parties, and even especially the one being penetrated.

it's so confusing. i feel so fucked up by men and their worldview of gender and sex. they truly established themselves in my life as the final judge of all these things, and yet, i'll never encounter one in a way in which he'll judge my naked body and tell me who i am. all i have are the eyes of other men, in my family, the ones in the grocery store, the ones who teach me; they silently decide who i am, and how i'm not living up to the standard.

so i feel i can never be who i am. NO, i feel like who i am is below the standard of everyone else for the same concept. and so, womanhood is distilled from me by strangers. it makes me sit at home alone and feel like a stranger to myself. it makes me feel like other woman can never see me how i want to be seen, or love me how i want to be loved.

and yet... i don't know how i want to be seen. i don't know how i want to be loved.

that's the problem.

*t/e/r/f/s, r/a/d/f/e/m/s, gen/der cr/it folks don't interact*

#long post #personal #it's okay to reblog if you relate to this experience but really that's it #gender dysphoria #gender questioning #nonbinary lesbian #lesbiansafe #txt

25 notes · View notes

pepperoniwhirlwind · 6 years

Text

🌼~Honesty Hour~🌼 (pt. 2)

I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do 150 questions in the honesty hour tag quite a while ago, and only did a third of it. But no longer will this be the case! Midterms are mostly over (the two biggest ones are done at least) so I can focus on more fun things, like answering these questions! Here’s my answers to questions 51-100:

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yes. I have a lot of internalized shame about my body type (petite and curvy) that whenever I see someone super tall or toned I just want to be them. Even if it’s only for a day. I don’t have these wishes so much anymore though. Alex and I have been dating for 5 months (on the 21st of this month) and he loves my body type. Thanks to him, I’m learning to love myself, and learning that I don’t have to be a model to be loved~ 💕

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My depression. I feel like it makes me a burden on everyone, and although it’s shaped who I am, has it really changed me for the better? Maybe I’m more understanding and empathetic because of it, but it’s also caused me an inordinate amount of pain, and unnecessary pain for my loved ones.

53. Favorite make-up brand?

I don’t wear make-up often enough for me to even have a clue.

54. Favorite store?

What I’m buying changes which store I prefer. If it’s food, I generally hit up Fry’s. If it’s home decor (Which Alex and I needed quite a bit of in recency, given that we just moved into an apartment together a few months ago) I shop at Target. If I need to buy shampoo, face wipes, deodorant, shaving cream, etc. I typically go to Wal-Mart. Does anyone really have just 1 store that they shop at? I know if I bought non-food items at Fry’s I’d go bankrupt. 😂

55. Favorite blog?

That’s a real tough one. I love all of my Tumblr friend’s blogs. @im-here-cause-im-not-all-there posts a lot of stuff I relate to, same for @theperksofneurodivergency, who always posts great content. Seriously, I could sit here for ages and list off all the people on Tumblr that I follow, but that would be ridiculous. Rest assured that if I follow you, it means I generally like what you post.

56. Favorite color?

I love darker colors on the cooler end of the color spectrum; mainly green, blue & purple. I even like pastel colors occasionally. Though that’s more likely when I’m being influenced by some of my alters who like lighter colors. Like Honey, who loves pastel colors, and all things sweet really. That’s why sunflowers are her favorite flower. She appreciates all the sunny and cheerful things in life. ☀️ In our inner world, she even has a garden that she tends to regularly, and grows (you guessed it) sunflowers, among other things.

57. Favorite food?

Oh look, another tough one. Hmm... It really depends what I’m in the mood for. But my boyfriend recently started taking me to Schlotzsky’s, which has a lot of really good sandwiches. Though, I’m always down for some Arby’s. I’m in a rut there, but I don’t care. Their roast beef classic and curly fries are to die for. 😋

58. Last thing you ate?

Speaking of Arby’s... 😆 I ate there for dinner last night in celebration of passing my proctored exam for my math class. It was worth 75% of my grade, and I wasn’t allowed to have anything (they even confiscated my bottle of water). It took 2 hours and was suuuper stressful. So my BF rewarded me with Arby’s when I passed~ 😄 This is just one of the many reasons why I love him~ 💖

59. First thing you ate this morning?

It’s the morning right now, and I haven’t eaten yet... 😅 Does the two sips of my boyfriend’s coffee count?... No?... Okay. *sighs* I should go eat now actually, so I can take my morning meds. Thanks for reminding me, Tumblr ask!

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first place in a race once... then immediately quit the track team. 😂 Running just wasn’t for me. I’ve won blue ribbons for art (culinary and painting mostly) before at the 4-H Fair, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a proper competition that I won. I recently participated in a Drag Show at my college, and even signed my performance (I know ASL, and I hoped it would make me stand out a bit against the competition), but I didn’t win. It was actually a really close call between all the participants, and the host/judge couldn’t decide who the audience cheered louder for, so the lady who’d set up this event had to come up and make the decision. I was one of the first people she decided should leave the stage. So, needless to say, I felt a little embarrassed and defeated afterwards.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

I never even had detention 😂 ; I was a goody two-shoes growing up. I was always the teacher’s pet, so no, I was never suspended or expelled.

62. Been arrested? For what?

⬆️ See the point I made above for your answer. ⬆️ I’d have to cease being a goody two-shoes first before being arrested is even a possibility, so no, my record is squeaky clean... we won’t speak of the songs I’ve illegally downloaded from YouTube though. >-> <-< Don’t tell the po-po about this, or else I’ll be forced to participate in court-ordered rehab for my music addiction. 😂

63. Ever been in love?

Yes~ 💘 I’m in love right now, with the most supportive and understanding man I’ve ever known~ I shouldn’t have to say who at this point, but I will. It’s my BF, Alex~ ❤️

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss.

Well, this was back when I lived in Indiana. I had a core group of friends, that all happened to be on the LGBT+ spectrum, so we were practically dripping in rainbow-y goodness. 🌈 Mich, essentially the leader of the group, is trans. While Levi is gay and Laci (she thought she was a lesbian originally, and identified as such for the time that I knew her; I don’t really have contact with any of them anymore) is bi. That just leaves Sasha, who is also bi, and she was my first kiss. Mich, Sasha, I, and others (Levi and Laci weren’t there though) all decided to play spin-the-bottle. Sasha was the first person I landed on, and I still remember her kiss. It was soft, like a cloud, and tasted like strawberries. 🍓 It was a wonderful first kiss, but I definitely prefer kissing Alex the most~ 😍

65. Are you hungry right now?

Well, considering I just ate a mini donut with my pills... yes, yes I am. 😂 ...Don’t you judge me either! Alex and I bought a bunch of mini donuts for our last D&D gaming sesh at Tyler’s, and there was still a bunch left over, so someone has to eat them, and I didn’t feel like making a proper breakfast. Plus, the one I ate is strawberry flavored, so how could I not eat it? If anyone turns down a strawberry donut, suspect immediately that they are a lizard-person.

66. Do you like your Tumblr friends more than your real friends?

What a savage question. No, I do not. I like all of my friends, equally, whether they’re online or offline. I only care if my friends are good people or not; and if they care and respect me as much as I do them. Whether they live nearby or not is of little importance to me. I base my friendships off of their character, their morals; not their place of residence.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Well, I don’t have a Twitter, and only really check my Facebook once in a blue moon. So... neither?... What, is that not an option? Fine... I choose Facebook... I guess.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching TV right now?

No, I’m currently typing this... I am listening to music though, of course. 😆

70. Names of your best friends?

Well, Tyler’s the only friend I have IRL that knows me, like, truly knows me. By that, I means she knows about my DID, among other diagnoses, as we’ve talked at length about both of our diagnoses before. Since she has Bipolar disorder, she gets what it’s like to have a “scary” mental illness; the ones that get characterized by media to always be violent and unhinged. She didn’t judge me or fear me, she only asked questions and tried to learn as much about my system as she could, which tells us that she truly cares and understands. I’ve told other people before, but they’re either no longer a part of my life, or were creeped out by my DID, and are choosing to forget that I ever told them in the first place. My Tumblr friends also know about my DID, given that I post about it and mention it in my blog bio, but there’s a certain level of anonymity on the internet that allows for me to be more open about it. Telling someone IRL? Now that’s terrifying. It takes a lot of trust, and given that I have had some bad reactions in the past, it makes it even more daunting.

71. Craving something? What?

Honestly? A vacuum. And a mop, while I’m at it. I’ve been cleaning for most of the morning, and those are the only cleaning supplies that I need and don’t have. I keep trying to talk Alex into buying them, but he’s not as bothered by dirty floors as I am. He even walks around barefoot on these filthy floors! IDK how! Even if I’m wearing socks it bothers me. I don’t like stepping on anything, and the only way I don’t feel what’s on the ground is if I’m wearing shoes. So... I basically never take off my shoes except for when I’m in bed. 😂

72. What color are your towels?

What a weird question. 😆 Before I moved in with Alex, I lived with my parents, and we didn’t have a standard color of towel. We had an assortment of colors from multiple old sets of towels, a lot of them raggedy, some of them bleached, most of them ancient. Then when I started living with Alex, we still have some towels of differing colors, but most of them are blue and soft~ ✨ The sheets and pillow cases are blue too, though a lighter shade.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Not anymore. I used to when I was younger though. When I was a kid my stuffed animals felt like my children. I would rotate which ones got to sleep with me each night, hug and kiss them all goodnight then tuck them in. If one of them fell out of my arms in the middle of the night, it would wake me up immediately. Not even a slow, groggy wake-up. It was like my motherly instinct was an alarm clock, so I would wake up instantly and be wide awake, frantically searching for the stuffed animal that fell out of my arms. I would then pick them up, dust them off and apologize, then snuggle them and drift off back to sleep. When I was a teenager, I mostly cuddled them when I was lonely and needed some companionship to fall asleep. Now that I snuggle and sleep with my boyfriend each night, I no longer sleep with my stuffed animals, but I still love them and keep them as decoration for my bed at my parent’s house, since I never really sleep there anymore. I nap there occasionally, but that’s about it.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Uhhh... I’ve never actually counted, but at least a tub full.

75. Favorite animal?

Elephants and foxes, equally~ 💖

76. What color is your underwear?

I’m wearing black panties at the moment. It’s satiny with lace, so it’s cute and comfy; the best of both worlds. 😉

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Definitely chocolate, 🍫 provided it’s not too rich.

78. Favorite ice cream flavor?

I’m obsessed with matcha green tea ice cream right now, OMG, it’s sooo good~ 😋 Same goes for the matcha green tea frappuccino at Starbucks. It’s the only drink there that I actually get. I’ve tried other beverages they have, and generally don’t like them, but the matcha green tea frap is too delicious for it’s own good.

79. What color shirt are you wearing?

I’m actually wearing a really comfy dress right now, that I slept in as a nightgown last night. 😆 It’s gray and has a lace band on each sleeve.

80. What color pants?

⬆️ Once again, reference my previous entry. ⬆️ I am pantless, given that I’m sporting a dress at the moment.

81. Favorite TV show?

Oh geez... another hard one. Let’s see... I’ll just put the name of the show I’m watching the most right now. That would have to be “Crazy Ex Girlfriend” on Netflix. Before that I watched the newest seasons of “BoJack Horseman” as well as “Orange Is the New Black”, but I’ve already finished those.

82. Favorite movie?

Honestly, I’ve been really obsessed with “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” recently. When I re-watched it as an adult, I noticed how much more serious that movie is compared to Disney’s other films. They cover some pretty dark subject matter, and do it well... *sighs* if only they’d nixed the addition of the gargoyles. They ruin every emotional or tense scene that they’re placed in, and make the lighter scenes just plain cringey. I know they wanted to make it suitable for kids, but I think Disney underestimates what kids can handle, especially considering they reference the darker scenes subtly enough so as to keep the movie’s G rating intact. Like what about the goat, Djali, that belongs to Esmeralda? The goat could have been the comic relief, but instead they brought in the talking gargoyles. They couldn’t even do something cool with the gargoyles, like make them a part of Quasi’s imagination. He’s been alone in a bell tower for his entire life, so it would make sense that he would begin talking to the statues and giving them personalities... but no... it’s shown at the end that the gargoyles can interact with and impact the real world, making them a part of it as well.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Well, considering I’ve only ever seen the first one, and didn’t even know there was a second one, I’m gonna have to go with “Mean Girls”.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

I’ve never seen “21 Jump Street”, so once again, “Mean Girls” takes the cake.

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls?

Oh, that’s hard, especially when they’re all such fun characters. Janis is pretty cool, so she’s up there, but Karen is probably my favorite. She’s such a simple, naive soul, you can’t help but love her.

86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory, hands down. But I wanna give a special shout-out to Bubbles, the character from the fish tank that, (you guessed it) is obsessed with bubbles. 😆 He cracks me up every time.

87. First person you talked to today?

Alex. Considering we both wake up in the same bed, it would be nearly impossible for him not to be the one I talk to first thing in the morning.

88. Last person you talked to today?

Once again, Alex, given that it’s still early in the day and I haven’t seen anybody else yet.

89. Name a person you hate?

All of my abusers. Every. Single. One. They made me feel small, worthless, and unloved. So I hope each one of them feels that way for the rest of their miserable existences.

90. Name a person you love?

My boyfriend, Alex~ He’s my world, my hopes and dreams, and everything I aspire to be~ 💖

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

No. I want to punch all of my abusers in the balls. With a baseball bat. Repeatedly, until they’re infertile.

92. In a fight with someone?

No.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Only one. I want to buy more, but that requires that I have money, which I don’t.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

I have my Nirvana sweatshirt, my “Nightmare Before Christmas” sweatshirt, and two hoodies with my college logo on them. One’s gray and the other is red.

95. Last movie you watched?

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”.

96. Favorite actress?

I have no idea. So I’m gonna go find a list of the top 100 actresses and go from there. *some time passes* So, I found an actress I actually know, and that’s Krysten Ritter, who played Jessica Jones on Netflix’s hit series named (you guessed it again! Wow, you’re really good at this.) “Jessica Jones”.

97. Favorite actor?

That’s a tie between Robin Williams (I really miss him... He was such a vibrant and energetic actor, who also knew how to portray more serious, and heart-felt scenes. He was a skilled actor and a good man. May he rest in peace.) and Tom Hanks. I like quite a few films starring those actors.

98. Do you tan a lot?

Never.

99. Have any pets?

No... 😭 RIP Batman and Robin (my previous pet hermit crabs).

100. How are you feeling?

Productive! I practically cleaned the whole apartment in like 2 hours this morning, and just finished another third of this ask! I’m on a roll, and intend to do homework in a minute. For now though, I’d like to thank everyone who read through to the end, as well as thank @lovelynhiddenkittens for sending the ask in the first place! Sorry it’s taking so much time to finish it, but I’m over halfway done now! Whoo~! 🎉 *sets off a confetti popper and basks in the confetti shower* Anyways, take care everyone! I hope you all have a fantastic rest of your day (or night, wherever you are, just have a wonderful time!) See ya ‘round the bend~! 👋

*grabs a broom and begins sweeping up the confetti, muttering to myself* Why do I do this? Every time, I know I’m gonna have to clean it, but I do it anyway...

#honesty hour #asks #tony

3 notes · View notes

the-voice-of-hell · 3 years

Text

Rent is Theft, part 23

Read from the beginning here, read the previous chapter here. Note: My MC is a Filipina trans woman and I am not. If you have notes on that or anything else, hit me up.

***

I turned on the fans, turned off any lights I’d missed before. Don’t panic. The quick increase in the heat was counter to what the internet said about concrete, but maybe that was just because it’s a rather thin layer of the stuff. Nothing supernatural in that, right?

We drank our water. I unlashed the twine that bound the ottomans into my fake bed, so we could space our bodies out a bit more as we lay there. I retied them into two beds, as much as I didn’t want the extra labor. You lay on three ottomans in a row, they’ll slide apart on you over time, and your body will be unconsciously tense as you try to hold them together. That would be more work, ultimately.

So we were on two improvised mini-beds, three feet apart, like a Hays Code era film about a married couple. No implied fucking in this household. The conjugal bed is hidden in the attic, along with the gay stuff and prospering criminals and other contraband concepts.

“Did I apologize for this yet?,” I asked.

“Yeah, stop doing that.” She rolled the bottle on her forehead. The cooling effect wouldn’t last.

“Maybe we should talk about something to take our minds off the heat.”

“I can’t think of what. I don’t wanna tell cute stories when it’s like this, because when I think about the story after that, I’ll think about being hot.”

“Yeah. I could play music.”

“But... same thing.”

“Oh yeah, even worse. I know whenever I hear a song I’ll remember other stuff that was going on when I played it before. Maybe we’ll just talk about cold things, see if we can trick our imaginations.”

“I don’t think my imagination is that good.”

“Alright I thought of something I can do, but will you be OK just layin’ there alone?”

“You’ll be here with me, right?”

“You bet. I was gonna go on my laptop and try to get more job interviews.”

“Good idea. Thank you, Courtney.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

I got my laptop out of the living room and brought it in. I knew running it in that heat was a bad idea, but was getting desperate. I lay down on my belly, chin propped with a thin pillow, arms dangling over the edge of the ottoman to my compy. I turned it on.

It took only a little longer to start up from nothing, but once I was past the loading screens, I found performance still very laggy. Slow background startup operations, I’m sure. But I had a bad feeling and kept my eye glued to the bottom right of the taskbar.

I was waiting for a specific program to load - one that monitored motherboard performance. I wouldn’t have to open it, because once it loaded from startup, it would display the processor temp right there in thumbnail. A useful little thing.

The thumbnail was only part visible glowing red beneath a pop-up window from the program. “Excessive heat alert. Shutdown recommended.” Shit. That made it official. I couldn’t afford for my computer to melt now, so I turned it off.

“My computer won’t work. There goes that idea.”

“Ugh. I’m sorry.”

“We apologize a lot, don’t we?”

She seemed like she wanted to turn her head to face me, but that it would be too much exercise in her current state, and gave up after the most fleeting glance. “Sorry about that.”

“Love you. I’ll think of something to talk about.”

“OK. Just remember.”

“Nothing that will remind you of this later. Roger.” I drank my warm water and pondered it. There was another knock at the door. Fine.

The doorknob was as hot as a hot shower now, initially shocking to the touch, but not scorching. I got it open. “Deandre. Kids. Pretty messed up, huh?”

Deandre said, “Yeah. Feels like we should all get out while we can. This can’t be safe. What are the odds they see us if we just use the stairs, go down one more floor, and hide out in the hall? Ain’t nobody lives on that floor.”

Knobby asked, “Are we gonna be alright? I’m, eh, gettin’ kinda...”

“I don’t know guys. You could try it, I just... I’d hate so much for any of us to get caught now, y’know? It makes me sick.”

“Heat can make you sick,” said Olivia.

“I know it,” I said. “I say, do what feels right. I can’t tell you what to do and I wouldn’t want to.”

“That’s the problem. Nothing feels right,” said Deandre.

“Well, until you make a move, drink plenty of water and rest as much as possible. Guy said one hundred twenty-five degrees for three hours, but that’s up there. Shouldn’t be that bad down here. It shouldn’t.”

“Yeah.”

Me and Leimomi drank more water, as best we could. It’s hard to chug when your body is starting to cook like a hot dog. I searched my mind in increasing desperation.

“Erotic Grime thriller.”

“What? Why?,” she asked.

“Because it was the first thing I thought of, and the less we think of that guy sexually, the better. You won’t wanna remember this later and you won’t.”

“Heh. Fuck it, OK.”

“So Grime is a fast-paced computer programming man in the fast-paced world of computer programming. The office is abuzz with activity. It’s crunch time. That’s when a product is about to hit a big milestone and we’re lagging behind expectation, so we all have to work extra hours.”

“You’re there?”

“Naw, no thanks. Funny I was thinking of myself as part of that world. I never do that, these days. Maybe it was because I’ve been looking at job listings.

Anyway, Grime is burning the midnight oil. He’s wearing his skinny jeans and one of those ‘communist party’ t-shirts that has Karl Marx and Lenin with lampshades on their heads and bottles in hand.”

“Don’t know that one. Hard to imagine.”

“It’s a bright red t-shirt. It shrank in the wash a little bit. Not enough he would throw it away, but a tighter fit than he’d usually go for. In the cold late fall weather his nipples are pressing against the cloth.”

“Ooh.”

“Yeah, they’re ‘green’ buildings, so management skimps on AC in summer and heat in winter. So Grime is there, nippin’ out, but typing so fast, like Sick Boy in Hackers, green matrix code raining down across his screens. He’ll win the day.”

“Does he have cool sunglasses?”

“Is that hot?”

“We’re all too hot right now, Courtney.”

“His midnight black wraparound shades are ink dark portals to a level of Hell that is pure ice. I think there was one of those in Dante’s Divine Comedy. But yeah, frost is forming on the keys. He has to step back, lest he freeze the whole desk like a liquid nitrogen bath.”

“I can’t imagine it.”

“Point is, he’s sexy action cool. And he thinks he’s alone, but he’s wrong. A sound from several cubicles away makes him leap for the katana at his deskside.”

“Like a ninja sword?”

“Exactly. They let guys have those if they have enough corporate spirit.”

“OK.”

“His blade flashes like blue lightning, but nobody falls to his deadly moves. He sees a guy step into the hall.”

“A guy? Huh. A guy? Are they gonna..? Is there a girl in this one?”

“No way. It’s old school slash, baby.”

“Does that mean..?”

“Yup. So he sees the guy stretching and is embarrassed. He tosses the sword into a nearby cubicle, hoping he isn’t noticed.”

“What’s the guy look like?”

“He’s a silver fox. Name is Michael Haeckel, he’s like six foot four. Not chubby like Grime but not too skinny either. You can tell just because he’s that tall and has big hands, he’s packing *redacted*”

“Whoa. Is he real? Did you used to work with him?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it OK to make a dirty story about somebody else?”

“I dunno. We’re getting broiled like baby back ribs in here. Ethics can wait. Anyway, Michael was kinda sleepy and started to get *redacted*”

“Can that happen?”

“If you’re sleepy enough and you are packing *redacted* in my story. So the outline of *redacted* is pretty visible in his acid wash jeans, and Grime is like, whoa, shit. He hopes he wasn’t noticed. He lucked out. Michael does notice his situation though and picks up a clipboard fake casual to hold over his *redacted* while he goes to say hi.

‘Hey Graeme,’ Michael says. ‘Hey,’ says Grime. They talk about work, and how other guys don’t have the dedication like they do, to work so late on crunch. Randomly, the subject of donating to charity comes up. All the tech boys do it for tax breaks.”

“That’s nice.”

“It would be better for the world if any of those pricks paid their taxes. Michael mentions that he’s giving to some LGBT charity. Grime says that’s cool, but wonders why Michael feels like that’s a good one. After all, he’s married to a lady and stuff.”

“Hm.”

“He says he’s actually bi. One time in college he had sex with a dude and feels like it was beautiful and nobody should be judged for love. Grime is like, cool, but you have been with nothing else but ladies forever. Do you still feel bi?”

“That seems rude.”

“So does the funky bass music starting to play out of thin air - the sounds of love are soon to come. Michael says, ‘Yeah,’ and they have a big moment. Sexual tension in the air so thick you could cut it.”

“Hm. He’s six foot six?”

“Yup.”

�� “Silver fox? Like a furry?”

“Sure, why not? So the guy says, ‘Maybe my wife doesn’t mind if I do stuff sometimes,’ and Grime is like, ‘Oh shit, I’ve never been with a dude before. Is this really happening?’ And Michael is like, take it slow, and they do.”

“Like taking off their clothes slow and stuff, or *redacted* slow?”

“The first one. Michael suggests they just watch each other *redacted* for a few minutes, see how it feels. Grime and him are alone, think it’s funny. Why not take advantage? They *redaaaaaaaacted*”

“Cool. But I can’t *redacted* myself right now.”

“Good. That would be unethical, maybe. I don’t know, whatever. So the guys are showing each other what they got, and Michael is like, ‘Damn, Graham, what you wanna do now?,’ and Grime says ‘Graeme,’ but kinda chokes on it because he’s *redacted* like it’s water in the desert. Oh. reminds me, drink some water, babe.” I did the same, hard as it was.

“So,” I continued, “Grime is *redacted* Michael has to push him back a little and say, ‘Easy there, tiger.’ And that makes Grime all sad because he was fixin’ to experience *redacted* That thing is too magnificent.”

“What’s it look like?”

“It’s like a white dude’s *redacted*, y’know, all *redaaaaacted, includes missile metaphor*”

“Wow. Haha, his *redacted* is the bomb.”

“True. So Michael says he wants to *redaaaaaaaacted*”

“What’s it feel like, for somebody to have their *redacted* on a *redacted* ?”

“Kinda crazy, like you got two *redacted* in a wrestling match, daring each other to make a move, but they can’t. Not without help. So Grime grabs *redacted* He remembers to check in with Michael, because he doesn’t want to lose his privileges. Michael lets him know, yeah, he’s doing it too *redacted*

So he loosens up his grip a bit, and *redaaaaaaaaaaacted*

“Yeah. So they’re *redacted*?”

“Yeah, y’know *redacted* Does that make sense? Anyway, it feels real good. They’re feeling it, because *redaaaacted* lightly while *redaaaacted* tightly.”

“That was a rhyme. You should be a rapper.”

“Oh yeah. That’s a good job. Where do I interview for that one?”

“Sorry.” She drank more water. “Go on.”

“They can’t take much more of it. *redaaacted* so they gotta step back.

So Grime is looking at the big man’s *redacted* and feeling inadequate, feeling like a child. The guy senses his hesitance and says, ‘I like what you got, kid. Let me see that.’ Then he goes down to his knees, taps an office chair to suggest Grime sit down in it. Our boy rolls into position.

He isn’t feeling it that much, like, *redaaacted* But Michael gives him a look, so kind and beautiful like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Then the older guy nuzzles Grime’s *redacted* He feels Michael’s beard on his *redacted* It feels crazy, but he knows he can't just *redacted* because it would scratch up his *redacted*

Then Michael *redaaacted* Grime is lightheaded, feeling like he might *redacted* at any moment, *redaaaaaaacted*

But then Michael relents, right as Grime is about to *redacted* He leans back and says, ‘You wanna feel this *redacted*?’ He’s gesturing to his *redacted* Grime is speechless. How can he say yes? He’s never done anything like that before. But still, he agrees. Sometimes you hafta jump in the deep end.”

“Whoa. You think Grime would take a *redacted* in the *redacted*?”

“Probably like it better if it was *redacted* but I bet he would. Y’know, it’s just a story though. Grime could have two *redacted* and taste like rose water if we wanted.”

“Two *redacted* and he can *redacted* a furry? OK. Tell me about it.”

“For real? Grime has two *redacted* now? And I’m supposed to get real about the furry thing?”

“You mean he wasn’t really a furry?”

“I guess he could be. What kind of furry do you like? Wolf boys? Horse boys?”

“Um, you said he was a silver fox. And now Grime has two *redacted* and he wants to get a *redacted* in his *redacted* for a first time.”

“Hm. So Grime’s *redacteds* are kinda hanging there, like *redacted* but as soon as the older guy suggests *redacted* they both *redacted*

“Why couldn’t Grime have had two *redacted* instead of the red hands thing?”

“You really picturing that? Because it’s just kinda abstract to me. Hard to call the image to mind, really. For me.”

“I was thinkin’ like what it would feel like to have both in my *redacted* at the same time, be all filled up like that.”

“Damn, baby. I’d like to see that. But I can’t *redacted* right now. It’s too hot.” I took a drink.

“I know.”

“Before I go on, should I describe the fox *redacted* looking like a fox *redacted* or a human *redacted* that maybe has some more hairs on it?”

“What’s a fox *redacted* look like? Don’t do it if it’s real weird. That’s just gross.”

“I don’t know, but I’d imagine they look like regular dog *redacted* which are pretty fuckin’ gross. Moving on then, the silver-furred fox man stood up to his full height, his long human-like *redacted* brushing against Grime’s *redacted* It was time for Grime to *redacted*

They pushed all the printers and folders and three by five cards and highlighters and shit off of the desk, and Grime sat himself there with his legs up in the air. Fox Michael probably made a sound like a fox makes, whatever that is.”

“A howl, probably.”

“Probably he howled. Sometimes a howl is a mournful sound, the baying of bloodthirsty creatures on the moors, singing how theirs is a life of pursuit, of famine and violent feast, and eternal scraping in a social order from which the only escape is death. But for the horny fox man, the howl is of Looney Tunes-esque hubba-hubba awooga-styled lust. He rubs Grime’s *redacted* all over with his big fox paws, giving him little scratches with his short sharp claws. Grime finds that exciting and bites his lip.

Then Michael *redaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacted*

“What are Grime’s two *redacted* doing?”

“They’re wondering why they only have three *redacted* between them and not four.”

“Three *redacted*? What would that be like?”

“Three *redacted* is good when you’re rubbing them on a regular set of two, because the *redacted* go between each other, don’t butt against each other and get sore. It’s pure sensation, like God intended.”

“Damn. That makes me wish I had three *redacted* Courtney.”

“Would you also like two *redacted*? While we’re handing out body parts, it’s OK.”

“No, I don’t know if I could have *redacted* right. I don’t know.”

“It’s OK, I prefer you with *redacted* I mean, if you have a *redacted* and three *redacted* that might be kinda hard to *redacted* without being like you’re getting kicked in the *redacted* all the time, so you have some decisions to make.”

“I don’t know what to do.” She seemed a little upset.

“It’s OK, babe! It’s just a game.”

“Ugh, sorry. It was just the heat. That would be weird if I was sad about pretend *redacted*”

“Oh good. I love you too much, honey.”

“I’d laugh but it’s too hot.”

“I understand. Do you want me to keep going?”

“Can you? It’s bad in here. Real bad.”

“We’re just trying to kill time. How much time have we been doing this?”

“I dunno. Feels like hours.”

I got up the will to look at the time on my phone. “Oh Christ. It’s only been eleven minutes.” I sobbed once, before I even noticed what I was doing.

“Don’t cry, Courtney.”

“You’re right,” I choked it down. “Gotta conserve my water.” I took another drink. “So Grime is holding his *redacted* together loosely, one palm over the *redacted* kinda *redacted* so he doesn’t *redacted* before the fox even gets started. Michael *redaaaaacted*”

“Uh huh.”

“Maybe I should be doing Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”

“Whatever’s easiest.”

“I guess we’re already here. And I’ll have time to get through the whole fucking Grimm Brothers catalog.” I almost cried again.

“It’s OK. You can stop, and we’ll just...”

“No, no. I can do this. So Michael has his *redacted* all *redacted* It’s *redaaaaacted* I think if Michael is basically so humanoid his *redacted* looks like a *redacted* he’s gotta have a tail and an animal head. So his tail is wagging like a happy dog and his face is all, again, awooga awooga. You know, like a cartoon wolf when he sees a hot chick.

He *redaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacted*

Meanwhile, Grime is losing his mind. He’s insane with ecstasy, didn’t even know it was possible to feel that good. But he can’t get it together to help out, or say something, or do anything yet. His mind is a technicolor CG explosion, like a commercial for expensive fruit juice. Meanwhile his grip on his own *redacteds* has firmed into a stiff claw shape, like he’s clutching a stick shift in a muscle car.

Finally, sometime around *redacted* Grime gets his brains back. He says, ‘*redacted*’ Michael is ready and *redacted* Grime knows if he actually *redacted* he’s gonna *redacted* on the spot, *redaaacted*”

“Holy shit, Courtney.”

“So Grime knows it’s basically game over, but he doesn’t wanna go out like a bitch. He’s gotta get Michael to *redacted* somehow. He knows he has practically no chance, but he begs for it, hopes that’ll work. ‘Michael, *redacted* please. I need your *redacted* dude.’ Michael likes that, but will he do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“You could make that up. No pressure. But does he *redacted* first?”

“Yeah, but I can’t say it like you.”

“OK, maybe I can teach you how someday. You can be my bard apprentice. In the meantime, Michael felt his *redaaacted* His mind turned inside out, his mirthful expression went slack as lust stole the blood from his brain, then his eyes bulged and nostrils flared as... I forgot he has a fox head. Let’s say his long pink wet tongue flopped out the side of his mouth and he rolled his muzzle around and his ears went like... helicopters or whatever.

Just for funsies, let’s imagine *redacted* When it’s *redacted* hitting Grime’s *redacted* he feels a thrill *redacted* and he knows he actually won.

He gets each *redacted* in a medium firm grip and they *redacted* For whatever reason, *redacted* Each got *redacted* Grime’s *redacted* was *redacted* but in his excitement, and with his *redacted* it *redacted* A *redacted* in a magic instant, then *redacted* their *redacted* like in the fancy grocery store, where they got those little pipes that spray water on the lettuce heads. You know what I’m talking about? Remember seeing one of those?”

“OK, but it’s *redacted*?”

“Yeah, it’s Grime’s *redacted* and it’s *redacted* He yells in joy and then sucks in his mouth and bugs his eyes. Oops, he thinks, somebody might be around.

Michael *redacted* hastily, but not too fast, just to avoid accidents or discomfort, and uses his tall vantage to look around over the tops of the cubicles. There’s nobody in sight, and he says as much. He takes a wad of tissues out of a box and dabs up the *redacted* on himself while he watches Grime recover.

He’s not recovering fast. When Michael *redacted* the sensation prolonged his *redacted* even more, though there wasn’t much *redacted* left to *redacted* It was kinda pathetic, just his two *redacted* rapidly *redacted* Michael could see Grime’s *redacted* in the crappy green lights and the way they *redacted* Grime’s head lolled and all he could say was ‘oh man’ over and over again.”

“Oh fox man.”

“Good catch. I guess Michael’s probably lapping up the *redacted* from his muzzle and chest, leaving dabbed tongue shapes on his shirt.”

“They didn’t get naked?”

“I don’t remember. That’s a missed opportunity. Coulda said what they look like naked.”

“Fox man and two *redacted* Grime.”

“It’s true.” I exhaled. It would have been a sigh but I didn’t have the strength to muster a good inhale at the beginning, just weakly deflated my shallow lungs. I had to hork down some air a moment later to make up for it.

“You OK, Courtney?”

“Ugh. Sorry. Let’s drink more water.”

***

Read next chapter here.

#Rent is Theft #part 23 #nanowrimo july 2021

0 notes

apollocomplexx · 3 years

Text

Why is it that when people say that they weren't taught in full extent where all the states(US) are, the capital, the counties, and the geography all around, it's a "stupid Americans" problem.

Like I've told my dad that i was re-teaching myself Geography and he said that was stupid because shouldn't I haven't learned it in school?

Technically, yes. I should have. But it isn't like it's my fault that the school decided to skip over basic things we need to understand the world when I was 12.

It's more of a school problem, and I can speak from experience. I go to a public school in an economically disadvantaged area that has a diverse population full of BIPOC. All of our teachers are white and cishet. Except for maybe like,,, 3 teachers? We don't even have a lot of teachers in the first place because it's an independent district and the state I live in is terrible with academics. They don't have the money to hire more teachers, and if they did, they've been spending it on a building. The real issue is that our high school only has a nurse on Friday. Our bus drivers went on strike my Sophomore year of high school. My teachers who are at the school(students are strictly online), had to go to the school for classes during the beginning of the cold snap in the South.

I was in color guard my Sophomore year and we had to practice in the middle school. Me and my teammates would change in the bathrooms and there were posters in the middle school about s*xting and sending nudes. We don't have that in high school, and those weren't there when I was in middle school. The floors were dirty, the bathroom stalls were atrocious, and the smells were less than pleasant.

Middle schoolers were saying slurs openly, gay slurs, racist slurs, trans slurs, etc. They acted like it was normal and it makes me realize how failed they have been to think it's okay to do that. Now, my high school has less and less people realizing that it's not okay to say slurs like they're jokes.

But the thing is, people don't get in trouble for it. I've got in trouble more for telling somebody to shut the fuck up. And when I told the ONLY counselor at my school that I was being harassed by a boy who is known to try and make sexual advances toward AFAB people? I was told to "not talk to him". I told my Dad and he said that I was overreacting and said that he's probably new because I don't know him. He victim blamed me and the principals fucking told me to not talk to him. My friend told me that he's a year below me and has been at the school since 8th grade. I just didn't know him because 9th graders and the rest of the high schoolers are separated until they're a sophomore.

Along with that, my Freshman year of high school, we had 4 teachers. The first one was this woman who wasn't mentally stable and the students liked to harass her. Her method of teaching wasn't the best and I wasn't able to get good grades in her class even if I had straight A's in all the others. They eventually replaced her with this younger guy who has experience with teaching. He got fired one day after the school looked at his Facebook activity and realized he was a p*dophile. Then, we had to use COMPUTERS for an entire quarter. Later on, near the end of the year, we got a different teacher but this one was actually good. He was able to teach math well. The other students liked to harass him because he has a "gay voice". He was the only actual teacher I was able to learn from and feel comfortable around. Maybe it's because I asked him his thoughts on anime because of the shirts he wore, and because he seemed comfortable with the fact that me and my friend talked about obviously queer things in class whilst doing work? He's actually the best teacher I've ever had math-wise.

Despite my year being disadvantaged with math because we were only able to learn the last part, our school is throwing math equations at us in Algebra 2 and acting like it's review. I've gotten emails from teachers saying that we're childish because we complain about math and that they're teaching 9th grade math when we're in 11th grade. But can you really blame us? They didn't offer tutoring or remedial classes. Just threw math at us and expected it to stick.

I'm not familiar with the normal classes other than math because all my others are AP. But it's embarrassing to walk into AP social studies class and your teacher to ask a question on an FRQ about geography,,, and to totally blank. My social studies teacher HAD to teach us geography because we didn't understand the material without it.

I really don't want to hear, "Well I learned this in school," from other American students. All schools are different and the school system is a corrupt system that needs to be changed. I shouldn't be crying over Algebra 2 class because my Freshman year Algebra class failed me so bad. My school shouldn't be getting 2 school shooting threats every year and people NOT be alarmed. It's like we're used to it. We shouldn't have to be disadvantaged because of the things we weren't able to learn. Some people don't have the time or motivation to learn stuff they weren't able to. I'm picking up geography now because I was severely depressed for a very long time. I had no motivation, and it's already demanded of me to get straight A's.

America is run like a company, and not a country. Because other schools that are bigger and have more money don't have these issues. They don't have to wait until Friday to see the nurse, do they? They don't have to get through 4 Algebra teachers in a year, do they? They don't get so many school shooting threats to where it's just normal, do they?

I used to want to go to an Ivy League school but realized that with my background, that's near impossible and I'm not going to wear myself put so much that all I do is study. Hell, I'm not going to spend money on an Ivy League school when I can go to 4-year colleges that are much more cheaper. I'd go to community college if it weren't for the scholarships universities are already offering me.

So think again before you think it's an American student issue and not a system issue.

#i got angry and ranted about school #schools suck #fuck america #rant tw #i want to become a therapist not more mentally unstable #classism #tw slight violence #censored slurs #i just want to graduate and get on t smh #tw harassment

0 notes

purplenickel · 7 years

Text

So this turned more into my queer dating history but its fun lol

So I have always been attracted to boys even before I knew that trans was a thing much less that I could transition. I also always admired girls and found ways to rationalize it until like middle school when I became aware of bisexuality where I had so many crushes usually on the mean kids at least the ones that didn’t have like weird shaped heads or watch alarms that went off at weird times during class like why do you need an alarm for 1:27? Youre supposed to be learning basic Spanish do that instead lol An I dated one guy in middle school when I knew I was bisexual and at least a tom boy. And the things I wanted to do to that boy. Like I was kinky as a small child lol like damn you could do a lot more than hold my hand and let me give you innocent little cheek kisses.

We stayed together until freshmen year of high school where I was bored with how slow things were going so I broke up with him. It probably didn’t help that I was starting to question my gender then either. I told my mom I thought I wanted to be a boy and she shot that down real quick “You’re a girl and cant be a boy” so I ended up trying to cut off all my hair until it was so fucked she had to give me a buzzcut and I ended up looking like a hard core butch lesbian for a semester)

Second boyfriend was this skinny dude like only an inch taller than me and I was 5’3 at the time. I wrote down love song lyrics and gave them to him to ask him out. Im romantic like that lol. We dated for a while and I guess we just grew apart. He wouldn’t do much more than kiss me occasionally and I was like damn yall how do I keep getting these innocent Victorian straight boys. But he was cute and I still see him around town much to my embarrassment. Idk why im embarrassed so much maybe I feel bad that he thought he was dating a girl and im not?

Next boyfriend was a bi emo guy named Justice. I dated him mainly because he was the only bi guy I knew at my school in rural redneck Virginia lol he ended up being really kinky and kinda weirdly intense. Like the fun part was he didn’t mind that I was all for sitting in the back of the anime club/computer classroom and tryina get down. The weird part was that he had the idea to write Real Person fanfiction staring ourselves as like vampires because he had a major biting kink and was really emo and thought he was goth but rural VA is a hard place to be goth when all your clothes come from walmart. But he was really intense like he had our entire lives planned out in the fanfic and actually went a bought me a ring , gold with a pearl setting, that I immediately lost because why would you give me a ring??? Nah so I got real disinterested in Justice and planned to break up with him. I actually ended up cheating on him sort of. My class went on a field trip to Jamestown famous school tour site all Virginian probably had to go to. And one of my classmates/kind of friends was this really hot guy with this shaggy blonde hair and this wiry lanky body and was this laid back hot stoner type and I really liked him so I sat next to him on the bus ride and seduced him through out the whole trip until we stopped in this little shopping mall on the way back to school. I was walking around one of the department stores and saw him trying one underwear of all things lol he invited me to help him pick out a new pair of tight good looking underwear and I agreed and slipped into the changing room while he was putting them on and ended up giving him a hand job he was grateful lol. Then we went back to the bus and pretended like nothing happened but there was already a rumor going around the buses that somebody had sex in the store. A few days later Justice actually broke up with me because he felt that I was “acting different” and I probably was simply because I wasn’t attracted to him any more.

Between dating Justice and the next guy I did have my first kiss with a girl! She was so pretty with silky black hair in a bob and dark blue eyes and the palest skin. She dressed in rave clothes all the time and sometimes wore fairy wings and cloaks to school. She was delightfully strange but moved to florida I think but we were saying goodbye by the schools front doors and when it was my turn I gave her a tight hug and she turned her face and gave me a kiss and I was just wow kissing girls is so nice. Speaking of girls, I also had a huge crush on president of the anime club. She was so tall and really thin with a few curves, but she was really confident and funny and just made you feel at ease and I could’ve seen myself dating her easily but she was dating someone else but im pretty sure she might have been bi but she graduated and moved to Washington state to be a masseuse.

Next boyfriend was extremely religious and also wanted to get married. I was against getting married so young, really against converting to southern baptism and definitely against having kids. Pregnancy has always freaked me out mostly because I don’t like pain and don’t want to be in pain and in general everything about reproduction freaks me out idk why. But I really wanted him. He had these nice big and rough hands and was so warm all the time. He was also really sweet. But I broke up with him because I couldn’t do the religious thing It was Too Much™.

After dating him though I had this huge crush on this girl a year younger than me in me creative writing class. She was gothic in a very flowery dark fairy type way and I loved it she was also had a huge gay crush on my female friend who I can confirm is very beautiful with long dyed red hair and olive skin and this soft husky voice that would be perfect for a late night radio talk show where you call in about relationship problems. But anyways the girl I had a crush on was named Sage and she was beautiful with her long blonde hair and her light green eyes and small everything she was very thin like scarily thin she actually had an eating disorder that we tried to help her with and she could reach her hand behind her ribs and grip the bottom of her ribs it was creepy to look at. She wrote beautiful and dark poems and never seemed to mind that my crush took the form of hugging her and resting against her as often as I could. She never seemed interested in me though I think she was actually fatphobic or maybe she was just femme for femme I dunno but I graduated and nev er saw her again so whatever.

After I graduated high school I decided to go to a traditionally womens college. My roommate was ace and like the first openly ace person I had ever met and she was really cool and introduced me to the idea of being ace but at the time I was decidedly bi and later pan once some more friends introduced me to tumblr and I started openly learning about gender and sexuality. All my friends were really hot that I met at college and I probably would have been down to date any of them except for the girl that I met through the anime club who also really liked the anime Hetalia. We could get together and watch episodes and read a variety of fanfictions ranging from family type things to kinky sex shit we were very close and im sure that a lot of people thought we were dating or at least fooling around together. We actually met each other at a Virginia anime convention where the anime club people went in a group and I went separately with some friends from high school (the best part of the experience was the wafflehouse in the hotel parking lot) but me and my friend got together at the con and went back to my groups hotel room to gush over the merch we had found and watch some anime together. I was in a closet cosplay that consisted of booty shorts and tied button up shirt so I had a lot of skin showing and we were sitting on the bed by ourselves until my friends came back and they all thought we had sex like no she was very attractive and had really nice curves but girl needed to shower more often because unfortunately she had a smell to her that I just didn’t like. I think she was interested in dating me but she ended up having financial problems of some sort and couldn’t come back to school the next year.

After she left school I came out as trans and got closer to the core group of the college anime club. They were all really hot except for the vegetarian one but she had a boyfriend and didn’t seem to like me much anyways so whatever. I also dated this one girl in my graduation class for like three days over the summer but she broke up with me because she was again a southern Baptist and couldn’t honestly date a trans person because it somehow went against god or some shit. That person has since come out as trans masculine. But anyways next person I dated was this smoking hot older girl who only wore skirts. She was southern Baptist and straight but I had to try even if I never got to be anything other than her creepy friend who everybody knew had a crush on her. She surprisingly was interested in dating me so we started going out. We went on dates around town to explore and see new stores and went to the park and shit was great we had kisses and cuddles and fun cute dates and sexy times but we also clashed a lot over mostly miscommunication. It didn’t help that I was on a medicine that once I started taking it regularly like I was supposed to my sex drive dropped to nonexistent. We fought over this a few times but still planned to try to get an apartment off campus the next year. I thought she was being too clingy by texting me pretty often that summer. I was in a bad mood all of that summer though. We broke up and got back together over the phone probably at least three times before deciding to break up for good. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together because when we weren’t fighting we had a lot of fun and I told her things I hadn’t told anybody before, I felt safe.

The next person I dated didn’t go so well. This was a friend from the colleges LARP club that also had people from the community or it was a community club that extended to the college kids and just ended up being held on campus but that’s how we met. She had a very butch androgynous look but I just really liked her personality no matter how hot she looked in her leather jacket. So we started off as LARP friends and then I worked up the nerve to ask for her number and just texted her about random things and we ended up talking about how much we both like coffee so that turned into a coffee date at the local dunkin and it was a lot of fun and we had a few more dates like that and things were looking good. A few friends that knew both of us warned me that she didn’t normally go for men but I had talked to her myself and was like that a lie and you don’t know what youre talking about ok so we hung out for a few months going slow and not really relationship dating. Around the time I was thinking of asking her to be a couple my mental health deteriorated and I ended up being hospitalized. I tried calling her once to keep up the habit of talking at night through text since I couldn’t text at the time but I think me being in the “cr*zy ward” freaked her out because 1) the phone call did not go well and was never tried again and 2) once I got out of the hospital I texted her to see if she was interested in picking up where we left off and she shut me down saying she just wanted to be friends. Of course not even a month later I found out that she and the girl I had dated for over a year were now dating. This bothered me for a long time and I was constantly wondering if I was too cr*zy to date somebody or it was because I was trans a whole bunch of self hatred type thoughts. I eventually got over it (mostly)

Then I didn’t date anybody until last year. I started texting my friend Cat from high school (back then we had a very cute James Potter Severus Snape thing going on where the characters were dating but we weren’t) and I learned that they were agender and ace and I thought it over and determined that I was ridiculously attracted to them and didn’t mind being in a nonsexual relationship because at the time I was still pretty sex repulsed myself besides for reading kinky fanfiction and getting myself off every once in a while. So We went on a friends date in the spring to see Zootopia and it was so much fun and they were so cute in their leggings and hoodie with their windblown cropped hair dyed dark red. I asked them if they wanted to date and they said yes so we went on our first official date (a hike up an abandoned walking trail where we both got covered in ticks and I had to stop and stretch out a bad leg cramp, then we got lunch at a cute vegetarian café in town and went to the town park to hang out. We sat in the grass and listened to Florence and the Machine songs and smiled at each other looking cute. We then got milkshakes and learned that we still had ticks on us from the hick and they took me home and gave me a sweet kiss goodbye with the promise of more dates in the future). Over the summer we hung out a lot because they and their mom were moving from the house they had lived in for years to a house a county over and I volunteered to help with the moving of the last few belongings. Maybe 5 trips all together, but it was a good time every day we got to see each other. We would comfortable hang out in their old house packing things up and taking our time and then we would take the forty five minute drive to the new house listening to whatever queer music we could find and save to playlists. Then we would cuddle on their couch after taking the days moving things inside and find something nice to eat on the way back to my house. I visited their college a few times (another traditionally women’s college) and met their friends who were also agender and queer and very cute people indeed. I enjoyed all the time I spent with Cat. Cat also helped me realize I was leaning more towards being a demiguy than strictly binary trans and that it was okay if I was ace, that sexuality can be fluid. Our relationship was very intimate and domestic and I loved it, especially the tight hugs and long slow kisses I would get each time we met and each time we had to say goodbye. I fell in love with Cat and because we didn’t see each other all the time and there was no pressure to maintain a sexual relationship I felt I could maintain those feelings I had for cat for a long time. We dated up until August of 2017 when they texted me and let me know they felt they were not only agender and asexual but also felt aromantic and would prefer to be platonic as they couldn’t keep up with the demands of a relationship. This devastated me. I took a week off from school to lie at home and let myself deal with the depression this brought. Im over Cat now. I enjoyed what we had but Im happy being friends though our ideas of friendship are different but that’s another textpost entirely.

I recently went to Charlottesville Pride 2017 with my friends that are the couple where I dated both and now they are happily dating each other and one of their other trans friends and it was so much fun. I think the act of getting a bag of free condoms reawakened my sex drive somehow?? Because now I would totally be down to get sex from anybody I was attracted to?? And im attracted to a lot more people than I usually am?? Like it was my friend Ness’s birthday a few weeks ago and she invited the same trans friend that went to pride with us to come and she brought her cousin with her and damn. Her cousin was the cutest and got so drunk like baby no you gotta stop while its still fun. So he’s agender and gave me his Snapchat and Im just…crushing so hard…hes too cute. But also I’ve been talking to people on OKCupid and everyones just so attractive (not the cismen tho neither the hets or gays wanna hit it so fuck em I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life) and all these tumblr people are cute and I wanna date everybody but everybody live like at least three hours away and it makes me sad because nobody seems to wanna try a long distance type thing which I would be up for.

So tl;dr: if youre reading this and you think im cute, message me and ill tell you what all we could do together ;)

Im a biromantic greyace chubby transmasculine enby and i like all body types and most personality types lol

68 notes · View notes

keiynantrieshisbest-blog · 6 years

Text

My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone’s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

#transquestioning #personal

1 note · View note

bruhnushka · 7 years

Text

earn that kiss - johan x reader (1/2)

summary : you've known dre for a while and come and live in their house in a trailer- then rainbow's brother comes and makes everything a tad bit more complex

warnings : slight smut, cussing, evil children, maybe transphobia

a/n - WHY??? ARENT??? THERE??? MORE??? JOHAN???? FICS???? anyway here's This for compensation!! I love johan & daveed so sUe mE

pronouns - they/them (ftm trans)

part 1 | part 2

you remembered the first time dre introduced you to rainbow. she was so skeptical of you, her mans 'best friend' since y'all were in diapers. obviously, any sane heterosexual female would see the female heterosexual best friend as a threat. luckily for her, you were neither heterosexual nor female. when you had came out, three months into rainbow & dre's relationship, rainbow opened her wonderfully toned arms to you. she put aside all jealousy and you two became the best of friends, and since then, you and her were practically inseparable. of course, that made dre, the man baby she would marry, jealous, but he could deal with it. you though rainbow and you were close friends because you both struggled with your biracial identity- hers was black &a white, yours was Indian & Mexican. Though they were different, you'd always find yourself being able to talk to rainbow about anything.

now two kids already born, a couple already wed, and twins on the way, rainbow was preparing dinner when she got the phone call. a panicked, frenzied voice spoke on the other end.

"bow! I need your help." you whispered into the phone. then in a louder voice, "I was checking to see if you were still going to Peggy's place this afternoon?" rainbow dropped the knife and froze.

"oh my god where are you?" she said, grabbing her car keys.

"oh you are! I hope the kids are great!"

"y/n where the hell are you?"

"Actually right now I'm taking a little walk down." a pause. rainbow held her breath as she slid into the car seat. "Ashlyn Dr." rainbow hit the wheel in frustration, racking her mind for a location. when you didn't hear an answer, you opened up your mouth to elaborate , before another young, distant voice cut you off.

"talking to another one of your gay friends? another tranny? you think you can run? get back her-" the audio crackled before stopping. rainbow let out a scream in frustration and typed in the road name, speeding to your location. she finally saw you, running for your life with a group of teenage boys behind you. she quickly stopped in front of you, pulled you into the car, and drove off.

once seated, you exhaled loudly, before loud sobs racked your body. "rainbow- they- they know where I live- they-" you couldn't even finish a sentence before tears streamed down your face again. rainbow rubbed your back calmingly, looking upon her close friend with sympathy. and that's when it was decided. you were living at their house, under their protection. dre was thrilled, his "brotha from another motha is stayin in da house!" it had taken a lot of convincing but you finally packed up your 'herbal-truck', an old rundown trailer someone gave you in college, and drove to their house, currently parked in their garage. now you had been living there for almost ten years.

ruby and you would sip tea and talk about the stupid shit the family did. beside your differences, ruby loved you more than your mother ever could, and put aside her religiousness to knock some sense into her when your mother refused to help you transition. now you two would gossip to your hearts content and talk about how fucked up this family is.

you were in your trailer, which you slept in by the way, when you heard a car pull up. you were in the middle of brewing together your morning tea when you peered out the window. the most gorgeous man you've ever seen in your whole life steps out, three suitcases in hand. ah, you thought, so that must be john. you watched him from the trailer, in just your boxers and a loose college hoodie to some university you never attended, and swirled your spook in you tea. you eyed him up and down while sipping your tea. he stood their awkwardly for a full three minutes unsure where to go before he stepped into the house.

a few hours later, you walked into the living room, wearing a comfortable sweater and a pair of pink jeans.

"johan!" rainbow exclaimed, "you haven't met my favorite person ever!" dre acted shock, placing a hand lightly to his heart.

"johan, this is y/n. y/n, this is Johan. you guys are very similar. like scary similar. y/n? Remember that rant about capitalism you gave me the other day?" she asked you, and johan quirked an eyebrow. that was hot, god.

"yeah when zoey was with Marco or whoever?" you ask nonchalantly. Dre spits out his coffee.

"my baby girl," he seethes, "was with a boy? oh hell to the-" rainbow dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

"that's not important. anyways, johan basically sent me a three page essay over email about the exact same thing. I swear, you both could be the same person and we'd never know it!" she laughs and then walks away, leaving you two to socialize.

"so..." johan rubs his elbow awkwardly.

"you’re definitely not straight." you blurt, then gasp and cover your mouth.

"how'd you guess?" he smirks, although inside his own gaydar was screaming.

"you know, intuition." you waved your hand around to try and explain, earning a chuckle from him.

"intuition, is your only real valuable thing-"

"-Albert Einstein. quoted incorrectly, might I add. the real quote would be the only real valuable thing is your intuition." you finish off. he laughs, eyeing you down.

"anyways, I'm bisexual."

"and I'm a trans gay boy." you laugh. his eyes widen. "really! wow you pass so great!" he didn't say it as a belittling or heterosexually ignorant statement, more as a "wow im so proud of you!" and that made you blush. you shyly looked away, unsure what to say. daveed clears his throat, noticing the tension that had arisen in the air between you.

"I gotta go-uh- pack my bags." he stuttered.

"pack my bags my ass." said a familiar voice. you turned to see ruby, judgmentally stirring her tea and humming in appreciation at his body.

"baby boy," she looks at you and grabs your shoulders with her free hand, "I swear on black Jesus if you don't go down on that hunk of sexual heaven I'll have to do it myself." she shakes her head in approval.

"ruby!" you squeal, dropping your keys to the floor, since he was still there when she made that statement. you forgot the keys on the floor and walked to your trailer, laughing the entire way there.

it was originally an extra large food truck, which you had revamped. you planted a mini garden, half of it a hanging garden, and added in a small bed, plenty of storage, and a mini couch. the thing was, there were plants overflowing every part of the trailer, but it made you feel safe. you had planted things like lavender next to your bed to help you sleep, and made all your own products like shampoo and tea. the fridge and stove, preinstalled, were constantly in use. the only thing there wasn't was a bathroom, and that's why you had a house. right now, you were boiling down some herbs and roots to make more face wash for yourself. johan knocked on your door, startling you. you were only wearing a binder and sweats, and you forget this as you opened the door. johan didn't seem to mind, handing you your keys and taking in the view of your 'home'.

"this is... pretty cool." he breathes. he nods towards one of the pots hanging from the ceiling next to your bed. " schisandra?" he asks. you nod giddily. he smiles at you, then takes a step inside.

you welcome him inside and then take a seat on your bed as he tours the trailer. you point out the locations from your position, too lazy to get up. "do you like it?"

johan turns and grins at you, "magnifiqué"

"Vous avez été en France pendant deux ans et c'est tout ce que vous avez appris?" you laugh and reply. (You've been in France for two years and that's all you've learned?) his face turns red and he shrugs his shoulders awkwardly.

"sí?"

you burst out laughing and he smiles in accomplishment, because your laugh was so goddamn pretty. he stares at you for a good two minutes before your laughter dies down, and all that's left is you and him staring at each other.

zoey interrupts the silence. "moms calling for breakfast- so- finish up whatever is happening here and come into the house." she motions to the tension and walks out.

"my favorite kid." you both say at the same time and laugh, walking out of the trailer. you step into the house and look at rainbow, who wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

"oh god no." you face palm as rainbow walks towards you, a whole cabbage in hand.

"you're tryna steal my brother, aren't you?" she jokes.

"she getting all up on my man!" ruby calls from the table. johan chokes and sits down at the table. he grabs the wine bottle and pours it delicately into his cup, swirling the wine delicately.

"this wine is the most distasteful thing I've had since rainbows attempt at empanadas because she threw a Mexican party for her Indian friend." he comments, but continues to sip it.

"in my defense- she spoke fluent Spanish to the hot dog vendor on second." rainbow said, putting her hands up in defeat. "but it was still wildly embarrassing."

"wildly" johan echoed, puckering his lips for another sip before Ruby stopped him.

"don't you trash talk mamas wine less you it gonna drink it." she said, grabbing the wine glass and somehow gracefully slurping it down. johan was confused and everything that happened, making you laugh. he brushed his hair out of his face with an artful flick and started to eat.

"I never understand how your meal times are so early, back in France we would"

"excuse me baguette, no one cares." dre said, throwing a lettuce piece at him. it stuck into Ruby's hair. you knew how this would end, so you pushed your chair back and watched the chaos unfold.

ruby took a piece of the chicken and threw it at dre, missing and landing onto Diane. Diane's head turned slowly, an evil grin spreading on her face. "oh you're gonna get it now old lady..." she said maliciously.

"old lady! I'm barely a day over thirty two!" Ruby screamed.

"uh-uh" earl commented, laughing.

"you listen here you old hairy ass-" before she finish, a grape landed perfectly in her hair. ruby squealed and that's when all hell broke loose. food was flying everywhere and you were sitting on the counter laughing at the stupidity. Zoey, who had stayed out of it as well, sat next to you.

"how are we related?" she asks, rolling her eyes.

"I have absolutely no idea." you laugh, "don't tell the rest of the kids, or your man-baby dad, but you're my favorite kid."

she flips her hair, "I know." you two walk around the chaos and sit on the couch in her room, watching cheesy rom-coms on Netflix until junior crawls into the room.

"all was well," he starts, wiping the stains of his shirt and staggering up, "before Diane brought out the hand mixers." both you and zoey's eyes widened. Diane was the spawn of Satan, as ruby would repeat every few hours. junior shakes his head and limps out.

"what the hell?" you ask Zoey. she shrugs and you continue to watch the show. it wasn't your problem, not until someone brought the fight to either your trailer or zoey's room. ruby ran in, and slammed the door close behind her.

"that child," she held her cross tightly, "the Holy Spirit and mother Mary oh black Jesus-" she mutters, and takes a shaky breath. "that Diane needs help." and she sits down. suddenly, there's a slow knock on the door.

"Ruby..." says a sinister voice, "I know your in there." and suddenly the door smashes open, a fork sticking out of the door, and Diane grins at you two. everyone screams and the next thing you know, you're waking up in dre's room, holding a dirty pair of his shoes, head on johan's lap. you groan and hold your head, and johan bolts up.

"what the hell happened?" you grunt as you get up. "hopefully Diane didn't accidentally kill everyone."

"what the hell?" johan asks, rubbing his forehead. he looks down and sees you on his lap. "...hello." he says, making you laugh.

"let's scope out the damage." you tell him, and get up.

"Uh..." johan stutters, and you don't realize why until you look down, noticing your lack of pants.

"okay, seriously, what the fuck happened?" you chuckle, grabbing one of rainbow's skirts and putting it on. johan gasped out loud and you turned around to him and frowned.

"WAIT... aren't you guys like not allowed to wear skirts or something?"

oh hell no.

TO BE CONTINUED......

a/n pt2. - i know how fics in chapters make me anxious so i already wrote the next one. its a two part. ill let y'all sleep on it. it also took two months for me to write this so i hope u like it :))))))

#johan x reader #daveed diggs x reader #daveed x reader #lafayette x reader #thomas jefferson x reader #tjeffs x reader #hamilton imagines

30 notes · View notes

professor-riddikulus · 7 years

Text

Craigslist - Ch 2

Summary: James and Sirius are looking for a roommate for their Los Angeles house - Remus has just moved from Dublin needs a place to rent while he goes to graduate school. One Craigslist ad later, the three of them find themselves living together and shit is bound to get complicated. Featuring trans Remus and the wonder of Wolfstar.

Author’s Note: I know it has been a long time friends, but I’m back! Hooray summer! I hope to be updating this more regularly now that all those pesky seminar papers are completed. I am sorry for what I assume is going to be the ridiculousness of this chapter. As you probably know, Sirius cannot be contained. Anyway, enjoy!

You can also read this story on FF.net or Ao3 if your heart desires

It took an hour for Sirius to take a shower and get ready, during which time Padfoot and I watched several episodes of some cracked-out show called The Amazing World of Gumball and I did the cereal dishes that Sirius had left behind. He came jauntily down the stairs, hair tied back and still damp, a loose black muscle tank on that showed too much of his strong tattooed arms, too much of his lean muscled torso. I tried not to stare. I probably failed miserably because he looked pleased with himself.

“I assume,” he said flipping his keys from one hand to another, “that we're not taking the bike?”

“Your motorbike? Nah I don't particularly feel like dying this afternoon.”

He made a noise somewhere between a snicker and an indignant huff.

“Fine the car then. But I warn you, it's a few years old.”

I, of course, assumed that he meant a few years old like Lily meant a few years old when she talked about her 10 year old crappy Prius. What he actually meant was a black Mercedes S-Class that probably cost more than four years of my graduate stipend and that was exactly 3 years old. It was so beautiful that I was actually nervous to sit in the seat. Opulence in most forms makes me uncomfortable -- my parents always made a tidy living but I was always the kid putting away coins for a rainy day. The responsible one. Some people are built to be pampered, can adjust to being treated like kings, to throwing caution to the wind. I never felt comfortable indulging -- instead I was the kid who didn’t want anyone to look at him when they sang a the happy birthday song. It isn’t shyness not really, it’s well, wanting to fly under the radar I suppose. Showing off what you have draws attention.

I just looked at Sirius and I knew this wasn’t him. He stood taller than me but his posture was proud. He wasn’t afraid to take up space, wasn’t afraid to be noticed. He had no idea that taking up that space, taking up oxygen, meant taking it from someone else. I was stiff and trying not to move my dirty shoes too much on the carpet, Sirius on the other hand was completely at ease, his ripped skinny jeans clashing with the dark brown leather of the seats. He was leaned back, reclined like his body itself was used to luxury. Watching him driving the 5 with his sunglasses on, singing along to some mindless pop tune, I had the distinct feeling that Los Angeles was not going to be anything like I expected. Sure they said it was a town for movie stars, but it’s difficult to understand how value works here. Some people have so much they don’t even notice how much they have. Sirius certainly didn’t. This guy, this house, it wasn't like being in another country. I have been to France once, and nobody there even spoke the language that I spoke, yet I still felt like less of an alien. How rich was this guy?

I looked down at my Target t-shirt, one that Lily and I had picked out only a few days before. It was my favorite, but next to the glamour of the car, the palm trees, and the guy sitting next to me I felt distinctly shabby. It wasn’t like I was usually fashion-forward. I do my best to stay at least a bit put together but I’m not a trend-setter. I’m sure his pants cost the same as my whole outfit. Probably more, actually. I tried to shake myself, there was no reason to be ashamed, and in any case he was the one being stupid by buying such an expensive car. I sighed, if I had that kind of money, even a quarter of that kind of money, there are so many other things I’d be doing with it. I’d be giving back to the community, I’d be working for a nonprofit, I’d be paying off my student loans. I’d be doing something, anything, other than buying a car that might be the price of a house anywhere else. The very thought of it made my nerves feel frayed. I was going to be living around this kind of wealth, benefitting from it even.

I looked over at Sirius, whose grin slipped a bit at what must have been a concerned or frustrated look on my face but which he quickly replaced the grin. Perhaps he didn’t want me to see his concern?

“You don’t like Drake? We can change the radio to something else?”

“Don’t worry mate, I’m good. Your car is really something.”

“Yeah it’s pretty okay. I bought it as a graduation present to myself.”

“Oh? Where did you do your undergraduate degree?”

“James and I went to USC together, that’s where you’re going, right?”

“Yeah,” I grinned to myself, I hadn’t even considered that Sirius had gone to college at all somehow, but if he did, USC didn’t surprise me. Lily told me that it had a bit of a reputation for being a school for rich American kids, especially west coast kids -- those Orange County, Beverly Hills, Malibu, rich kids -- someone like Sirius I guess, “I guess you’ll have to show me around at some point.”

“You’ll figure it out quick, s’not a big campus.”

I paused, weighing my options a bit. I chewed the inside of my lip. You’re being a coward Remus Lupin. He’s not going to think anything. “So,” I let the word hang in the air a bit, “do they have, erm, a big queer community there? Like among the undergraduates at least?”

Sirius smirked at me, “Are we gonna have that talk?”

I panicked, “What? What talk?!”

“I mean the, ‘oh-here’s-how-I-came-out’ talk. The ‘I’m-gay-you’re-gay’ talk. The ‘do-you-have-a-boyfriend’ talk.”

“I see no reason why we have to. All that is pretty obvious isn’t it?” I picked at the stray thread sticking out from the knee of my jeans but I could feel him looking back and forth from the road to me, trying to catch my eyes. I was embarrassed for a reason I couldn’t quite explain, sweating a bit, and not because of the heat. He looked at me like he was trying to read me, like he was regarding a particularly interesting painting and he wanted to examine the individual brush strokes. I felt on display under such scrutiny, exposed even, but I forced my eyes back up to his. He wasn’t going to see me squirm. I wasn’t going to let him affect me. He was just some spoiled kid from southern California. I was going to hold my own.

Sirius smiled, “Maybe not that last one. You haven’t picked up some all-American boy, swooned by the lilting accent of Mother Ireland?”

“Excuse me?” I laughed so hard at this abrupt shift that I needed a minute to compose myself, “What even are you?”

“I told you, wolfboy, I’m a star.”

“You’re something, that’s for sure.”

“Something amazing. It’s okay, I understand, words fail you.”

I shook my head at this, how I was supposed to continue the conversation after that, I had no idea. I had the distinct feeling that what was happening was something of a face off. He was taking the measure of me, wanted to see if I was going to keep up with him. It was the same feeling that I had when he fired his ‘interview’ questions at me. It was like dealing with a toddler that wanted to see how far he could push the rules. Luckily, I’m stubborn, and I’ve always loved a challenge. When I didn’t say anything, Sirius didn’t seem to have a hard time filling the void. He probably would have talked to the empty seat if I hadn’t been there.

“Yeah, it’s badass that you’re a big queer though. I was getting annoyed being the only rainbow unicorn in the house. Now we finally outnumber James and his dirty fucking heterosexuality.”

I laughed a little, “Yeah. In case he tries to convert us, strength in numbers and all that.”

“Oh don’t worry, he’s way beyond that. Literally all our friends are queer, he always complains there’s never anyone for him to date because all our female friends are lezzies. Dude that reminds me, we should definitely have a pool party to welcome you to the family.”

Literally anything but a pool party. Pool parties meant swimming which meant swimwear and I didn’t think we were going to be at that point for quite a while, if at all, really.

“I dunno, maybe in a little bit when I get settled and get the furniture built and everything.”

Sirius shrugged and ran a hand along the top of his head, pushing back the strands of dark hair that had fallen around his face, I think it was the first time that I hadn’t seen him smiling and I wondered if I had wounded him, “Yeah, ‘course. Whatever you want.”

We pulled up to the Ikea in Burbank and parked, and Sirius looked at me, wide-eyed and stunned. “Don’t fuck with me Remus, this…” he gestured to the giant blue and yellow building in front of us that was the biggest one I’d ever seen, “this is a fucking furniture store?! It looks like several goddamn airplane hangers put together.”

“Just you wait,” I told him unbuckling my seatbelt, “I have a feeling you’re going to lose it.”

I was not wrong.

“This is fucking NUTS!” Sirius leaned dangerously far over the escalator as we took it up to the second floor to start making our way through the maze of mock rooms that made up the Ikea showroom. I pulled on the back of his shirt, trying not to be distracted by the amount of tan skin this action revealed.

“You’re going to kill yourself. God Sirius don’t lean that far over.”

“Okay Dad sorry.” Sirius snickered but he stopped leaning over the escalator.

When we got to the top Sirius’ eyes lit up as he surveyed the floor full of mock-rooms and tiny apartments. “YOU COULD LIVE HERE!” He nearly ran to the first room, threw himself on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. I rolled my eyes and picked up a pencil and pad to record the numbers of the furniture. When I walked over to Sirius he was wiggling his feet and looking incredibly pleased.

“It’s like a goddamn Swedish Disneyland dude.”

I laughed, “And like Disneyland, we’ve got a long way to go, you can’t spend ten minutes sitting on every couch along the way.”

“This one is comfy though, you should get it.”

I turned over the ticket and laughed, “No way, it’s almost two thousand dollars.”

Sirius’ eyes got, if possible, even wider, “That’s it?! Dude that’s hella cheap.”

“Not at Ikea Sirius, you’ve got a lot to learn.”

“It gets cheaper?”

“Jesus you’re spoiled aren’t you?”

“Yeah well, I’m amazing so…”

“You’ve got to be kidding with me.”

Sirius looked me dead in the eyes from his slouched perch on the couch, “Absolutely not, I’m completely Sirius.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” I said exasperatedly, throwing up my hands a bit dramatically and trying to hide a smile, “I’m leaving your punny ass here.” I didn’t want to laugh but something about his mix of monetary ignorance and over-the-top childish antics meant that I couldn’t help it. You are not supposed to find him funny. He is a complete wank. He wants you to laugh, wants the attention. Don’t you fall for it. I wasn’t going to be just another sad sack who gave Sirius Black attention, even if I wanted to be. I started walking away towards the next room, which had a smaller sofa with shelves built into the side and back that was a bit more my style.

Sirius jogged to catch up with me and threw an arm around my shoulders, he was a few inches taller than me with a much longer torso and so his arm fit comfortably there. He smelled good, like rain and wood and cigarette smoke. “No one ever leaves my ass Lupin.”

“This is going to be a long day if you don’t focus and help me pick out furniture.”

“Okay,” he said with mock composure, “I promise to be on my best behavior.”

His best behavior it turned out, involved pretending that each room was part of his house, picking up everything that wasn’t tied down, arguing with me about the color of the upholstery, trying to wear curtains like a toga, spinning around on the desk chairs, forcing me to lay next to him on every mattress, climbing through (and getting stuck in) the children's tunnel, and generally making a fool of himself. I tried to contain the damage, shooting apologizing looks at passerby and generally steering him away from irate employees but it was difficult to try to pretend to be stern with him when I was snorting with laughter. When I pointed out that people were staring, he just responded shrugging and laughing “of course they’re staring, we’re gorgeous”. He was an idiot for sure, but you had to admire him for his general lack of fucks.

“I can’t afford that one, Black!” Sirius was sitting on the edge of one of the nicer beds in the showroom. This one was a mid tone warm wood with a dark blue upholstered headboard that looked like a lovely place to lean back on while reading a book. I really did like it, and so arguing with Sirius about why I wasn’t going to buy it was proving to be difficult.

“Remus it is only $499. And it’s the bed! It is the literal centerpiece of your life, sleeping, watching TV, fuck--”

“OKAY OKAY shut up oh my god those people are giving us the boss eyes.” I cut him off as a posh looking couple with a little girl hastily pulled her away from the madman and his terrible language, “Look Sirius I have to buy a whole bedroom and living room/office I can’t get the exact one I want of everything.”

“I’m just saying that other bed you wrote down looks like it would break if you were using it properly.” He had a point here, but the metal one was $350 less and that was a large amount of money for some fake wood.

I laughed and felt my cheeks getting hot, “I don’t think we have to worry about me using it for anything other than sleeping.”

“Please. You’re going to get so much fucking play in Los Angeles dude. You’re fucking cute.”

“Okay but we were talking about the bed.”

“Ahhhh,” Sirius looked satisfied with himself, one hand on his hip, “You can’t take a compliment can you?”

I was absolutely bright red at this point. I felt like his eyes were appraising me. I knew that look, I’d seen it before. “Sirius focus, the bed.”

“Well I still say you gotta splurge on the bed,” he said and he started cracking up, “Oh my GOD that sounded SO WRONG!” Then he laugh-snorted so loudly that across the aisle a woman started giggling. I laughed so hard I was crying and had to sit down next to him on the bed. It was several minutes before the two of us even calmed down enough to speak to one another and I was wiping the tears from my eyes with the back of my arm.

“Okay Lupin, I’m buying the bed.”

“What? You are not.”

“We’re roomies now right? Family. And I fuckin’ like you.”

“I mean I like you too so far--”

“So far? Fuck the hell off.” He looked actually offended so I tried once again to redirect his attention to the task at hand.

“I just mean it’s $500 Sirius. I can’t accept that, we barely know each other.”

“Just let me buy you a house warming gift. Stop making such a big fucking deal over it. It’s just money.”

“I can’t Sirius. It’s just too much money.”

“Okay well I’m buying this bed because the headboard is dope and I know you like it a ton more than the other one, AND because I’ve jumped on it and know it’s sturdy enough,” And the cheeky bastard winked at me again, “So if you buy that other shitty $150 one you’ll have two beds and I know that back house is spacious but I don’t think two queen beds would fit in it.”

What was I going to say? I could already tell by the way that he drew himself up when he said it, the way his tone shifted to all-business, (and I turned out to be right) that Sirius wasn’t the kind of person who takes no for an answer. He gave orders like someone that was used to having those orders obeyed. Someone who had heard ‘yes’ a few too many times. When he gets his mind stuck on something there’s no moving him. So I sighed and smiled at him.

“Okay. Thank you. I don’t know what to say.”

He stood, took the pencil from my hand and wrote down the number of the new bed on the pad that already had a long list of the other furniture I was buying. “Thank you will do, Lupin. Now let’s go get the last few things, you told me there’s ice cream at the end of this and I am all about that.”

He complained all the way through picking out rugs and curtains and throw pillows (I really like throw pillows okay?) but when we got to actually picking up all the boxes from the warehouse the biggest problem I had was trying not to just stand there and watch him load cart after cart with heavy boxes. Give me a break, yeah? He was showing a lot of skin and I’m on a lot of testosterone. Together we wheeled the loaded carts to the delivery counter (and went back for two more). A little more than $3,500 later, I had a bed, couch, bedside table, desk, two chairs, two rugs, coffee table, lights, shelves, TV stand, dresser, sheets and towels, comforter, curtains, throw pillows, a large cactus Sirius was calling “the scary phallus”, and even a warm blanket that reminded me of one of my favorite old jumpers. I had only spend so much money at once one other time in my life, when I bought a shitty old car my first year of uni from a kid that I had a crush on at the time. The car worked out, the crush...not so much.

I treated Sirius to an ice cream, which I figured was less than he deserved after spending five hours with me in Ikea and buying me a bed. But it was the most that he’d accept. I didn’t know what else to do. But he seemed happy enough, he did flush a bit red when I wouldn’t stop thanking him, so I guess he appreciated it even if he told me to “shut the actual fuck up”. Somehow he was still full of energy even after lifting hundreds of pounds of furniture and walking all over the certifiably biggest Ikea in the country. If I had been worried about how nice his car was on the way there, I worried less on the way back, leaning back into the incredibly soft seats and putting my head back felt like a reward after carting box after box to the delivery desk.

Sirius looked over and grinned, “Big day huh?”

I nodded, “I’m glad I only have one day until the mattress shows up, today has been a lot. The moving and the shopping and your bolloxology.”

“Um excuse me?” He laughed, “What the actual fuck did you just call me?”

“Bolloxology, you know, messing about. Your BS.”

“Holy fuck that is a ridiculous word.”

“You’re a ridiculous word.”

“Oh fantastic comeback, real smart. I can see why they let you into a PhD program.”

“You are such a muppet, and yes before you ask it means you’re an idiot.”

Sirius grinned, I had the distinct impression that he took most insults as if they were compliments -- a trait which made him infinitely charming, and infinitely frustrating at the same time. He turned up the radio and some alternative rock band was playing. As we sat quietly in traffic on the 5, the sun started to set, and it glinted deep red off the building windows, bathing the car in a warm light. It felt like we were glowing, the windows rolled down, the air just a touch stagnant between the hot cars. I felt a pang of homesickness. It was so different from the cloudy, misty-cool nights of Dublin, the old stone streets, the bustle of Grafton, the smell of the grass and trees in the park across from my favorite pub. I missed my warm jumpers with the permanent smell of tea clinging to them, the cigarette smoke hanging lazily in the air around the corner shop, proper chocolate. I missed stumbling out of The George at 3am scuttered as fuck all with my mates Sean and Frankie after a drag show and a heavy drinking session.

As excited as I was about the new furniture, the new graduate program, the new friends and colleagues, the new roommates even, there was something sad about the perfect California horizon reflecting the last glimpses of the day. Something huge and daunting about the hot city that made me feel a bit lost, as if between the picture perfect landscape and the rubbish in the gutter there was a facade that frightened and excited me in equal measure. It was all just so big. And I was holding on to a runaway train -- Los Angeles felt like a million miles away from home. This was what it felt like, I thought a bit ruefully, to be homesick. This was also what it felt like to make something of yourself.

We arrived back at the house when it was dark, after stopping to pick up food for a whiny James who was bored without Sirius around to annoy him. When we pulled up to the house I smiled, I still could not believe that somehow I’d gotten a spot in this mansion. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for them to find out who I was -- emphasis on the was -- but maybe they were the good sort. Maybe…

Sirius opened the door, I didn’t have a key to the front house yet, and Padfoot came bounding out. James, hair wild, glasses halfway down his nose, was sitting on the couch in front of Comedy Central working on his laptop. He lit up when he saw Sirius which I thought was sweet until--

“FOOD!” He exclaimed gleefully. “Fucking finally! Oh god is that Golden Hen?! Yesssss.”

Sirius and I passed him several containers of Chinese food and he ate faster than I thought was humanly possible. How he could eat the amount meant for a medium sized family and be as thin as he was I have no idea. I've since learned that James is a human garbage can and his jittery, always-in-motion body consumes calories at an unbelievable rate. Some guys get all the luck.

“How did it go at Ikea?” He asked through a mouth of vegetable fried rice.

“I think it was quite an education for Sirius.”

“Did you know they have ICE CREAM there dude?! It's amazing it's huge and they have all these tiny apartments in it and they sell like pots and pans for like five dollars!”

“Yeah,” James replied nonchalantly, digging through a new container of food, “I went with the Dork when she and Marlene got their new place.”

“I saw their couch!”

“Sorry, who?” I looked confusedly from one loudly chewing roommate to the other.

“Oh!” Sirius dropped the spring roll he was holding. “James we should have them over tomorrow when Wolfram here has all his furniture delivered.” The conversation was getting further and further from something that I could track, it was like they were speaking their own language.

“Sorry,” I said, wincing at the apology, “but who are we talking about, and erm...did you just call me Wolfram?”

Sirius shrugged but there was a slyness to his eyes. “Marls and the Dork--”

But James cut in, “Marlene and Dorcas are our lesbian friends. Marlene went to high school with Sirius and I, and she picked up a girlfriend up in Berkeley. Marlene and Sirius used to date before they both caught the gay so they’re still weirdly in love with one another.”

Sirius shrugged again, “She’s a fucking bombshell, who wouldn’t be fond of her?”

“I certainly am, too bad she’s given up guys.”

I laughed at James, “Not for her, statistically women who have sex with women have way more orgasms.”

James looked affronted, “Okay, listen to PhD over here. But I’ll have you know, I’m a giver.”

“Where you stick your dick is neither here nor there --” Sirius started, but I cut him off.

“Yeah, apparently it’s nowhere at all.”

James threw a fortune cookie at me but I dodged left quickly enough that it merely hit the couch behind me. Sirius laughed so hard that he almost spilt his beer, “Well he’s got you figured out hasn’t he?”

James looked at him through narrowed eyes but said nothing so Sirius eventually lapsed into a teary-eyed silence. “Okay okay, but for real Marlene and Dorcas should come over tomorrow cause we can all build Remus’ furniture together. We were going to plan a party to welcome Remus to the family but maybe just do this on the DL. Don’t want to scare him too much.”

“You really don’t have to do that.” The last thing I needed was to be the center of attention. I wasn’t even adjusted to the two guys I had moved in with. Now I had to worry about impressing their friends? And I hadn’t had a moment to myself. I really thought I’d be building by myself, maybe some Netflix on my computer. But what was I supposed to say? They wanted to be nice. They wanted to make an effort. Come on Remus. You can’t move all the way to America and then not make a fucking effort to be social.

“I mean we don’t have to do anything dude. We’re doing this because you seem cool and we like to have a good time.” James grinned and ran a hand through his hair which left a piece of rice along his temple. I decided not to point this out but instead grinned right back at him. I caught Sirius’ eye who smiled conspiratorially at me, he’d clearly seen James make a mess of himself too. I knew immediately that he was also planning to let James sit there like a tool rather than say anything.

“So Marlene and Dorcas won’t mind helping? It is a lot of work.”

“Nah,” Sirius couldn’t tear his eyes away from the rice in James’ hair, he was not exactly the best at keeping a straight face but perhaps Sirius staring weirdly at him was routine because James seemed not to notice, “They’re lesbians they’re good at building stuff you know.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’m going to text Lily too?”

James lit up like a fucking ray of sunshine. I almost instantly regretted suggesting it. Things always get complicated when your mates want to bone one another, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to be totally outnumbered with people that I didn’t know and since I’d moved to Los Angeles, Lily was the only person I’d met from abroad. Sure she was from England, but you have to take what you can get when no one in America can make a decent cup of tea.

Sirius nodded, “I mean the more hands the easier it’ll be right? We can do beer and pizza and maybe even swim a bit.”

“I’m already texting the girls.” James was tapping madly at his phone.

That night, after stuffing my face with Chinese food with James and Sirius, I padded upstairs to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms after James absolutely refused to let me spend the night on the sofa. Despite myself I think I was already starting to like the two idiots. It was weird, I’d never had cis guy mates in Ireland that would stick around for very long. Something about my having a vagina. Sure there were lads that would return my texts periodically, or that were good for a pint or two. I don’t know what made them scare so easily -- I was still the same guy. I’d been lucky, I’d been able to pass as a (perhaps effeminate) guy for awhile even before I started testosterone. But it was always the same once they found out -- the queers, the ones that had wanted to fuck me, or to keep me around to see if they wanted to fuck me, when they found out that I lacked something they liked, that was enough reason to abandon ship. The straights, the ones that were good for a night out on the piss or that didn’t mind me when I was a winner for their team in football, they disappeared entirely. I was no longer one of the gang. Didn’t matter that the dosage I was on meant I had more testo in my system than some of them. I liked them, yeah, but I also didn’t want to get attached. Being attached, hoping for something more than a casual friendship with cis guys was like -- it was asking for heartbreak.

I waited until I heard the two of them head to bed before I stripped down to my boxer briefs. I lifted my arms and pulled my binder off slowly, peeling it away from my ribs and wincing. Too many hours in it today meant that I was probably going to feel it tomorrow. Even with the new ones I’d ordered there was always that inability to take a deep breath, the pull on the ribs that made you sore and sweaty after a long day in the thing. It was one thing in Dublin where it never got too hot, but here, where it seemingly never dipped under 70, adding an extra layer was tough. I touched my chest a bit and it was tender but I didn't think I'd have bruises. I thought about how James and Sirius had invited their friends over tomorrow and sighed. I probably wouldn't have much chance to go without the damn thing tomorrow either. Swimming? It was out of the question -- I was going to have to find a reason to pass.

I could have just told them when I came in for the interview. Lily never asked me why I didn’t even though she knew, for which I was grateful. I had been open with the department at USC, had even mentioned it in my entrance essay. I was working on trans and queer literature and film it wasn’t the most difficult puzzle to piece together. Somehow though, I just hadn’t been able to do it. I didn’t want to lose the chance at the room, and sure, I guess I liked them. Now it was as if I were keeping it from them. Every day that passed meant that I was going to get more attached to my new mansion, my new mates. It would be better to get it all out in the open now and find out if they were going to be phobic.

But now I’d ordered the furniture. It was coming tomorrow, and leaving was going to be a bit harder when I had a small apartment’s worth of furniture to move along with the boxes that were currently in the pool house. I ran my hands through my hair, trying not to let the fear that shot through me overwhelm me. Sirius was queer, he specifically asked for a queer roommate. It wasn’t going to matter. And anyway, there was no reason why they should find out.

#wolfstar #craigslist #sirius goes to ikea #it goes exactly how you would expect #marauder fanfiction #remus lupin #sirius black #fanfiction #trans remus #irish remus #american au #silverlake #los angeles #harry potter fanfiction #james potter #lily evans

9 notes · View notes