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#we felt SO grown-up and cool listening to this song at birthday parties when we were around 12 years old lol
moreeobimsongs · 2 years
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thatdoctorharvey · 3 years
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Flowers?
All I have to say is; I’m sorry.
Kudos to @soft-bois-make-me-simp for assisting with the idea. Don’t worry man, we can collab on another story!
Please listen to this while you read this!
There were only three times that Harvey would remember enjoying flowers. He usually wasn’t one for them, not because he was allergic or anything, he just didn’t find the reason to desire them.
Roses are red
The day he first knew he had feelings for you. He always said it was the best day of his life. He will never forget that day; the day you brought him wine on his birthday. You two had occasionally spoken from time to time, but it was really nothing super deep. You had opened up to him about a few things that you hadn’t told anyone else but not super personal. Mostly just little quirks you hated about yourself. He remembered blushing every time as everything you named seemed to be things he liked.
“So, how about a birthday dinner tonight Harv? I’m sure you can’t remember the last time you had a real meal.” You offered.
He was reluctant to answer at first, not wanting to be a bother, but he did hate his current diet and knew he needed to change it up a bit, even if his stomach might not agree with the sudden change from pre-packaged meals to home cooking.
“That...Sounds nice. Thank you.”
And boy was it nice. It was quite obvious you knew that he needed real food because you made more than enough for him just to make sure he had leftovers. He almost felt bad but you had insisted he needed it. You both knew it would be gone tomorrow. You secretly knew, he -- as a man -- had quite the appetite and had held back eating as much as he could with you around.
You left late that night, but left behind some flowers you had grown on the farm. They sat in a vase on the table, right next to his radio equipment.
“Feel free to get a hold of me if you need anything Harvey. Doctors deserve to be taken care of as well.”
Those words never left him. “Doctor’s deserve to be taken care of as well.” You cared about him and actually wanted to make sure he was doing okay. As suspected, you two grew closer after that. He started to become a lot more anxious but never made a move. 
What if you only wanted to be friends? That would be super awkward…
Violets are blue
The day you gave him the bouquet, he cried. Never had he felt so relieved and excited at the same time. You like him. No, you loved him. You. The precious farmer.
“A-are you sure? I’m so much older a-and there’s so many oth-”
“Harvey. I’ve made my choice.” You kissed his cheek. “I don’t want anyone else. They just aren’t my type.”
Fifty shades of red his face was. There was no denying that for sure. He was a tomato and a strawberry at the same time.
He’s never hugged you so tight either. Even when you brought the pendant to him (he was more gentle then). He just wished the flowers in the bouquet didn’t wilt. Joys of having live flowers though.
That and every month, you brought him a new bouquet. Not the exact same one, but you had started growing flowers specifically to make bouquets on your monthly anniversaries. 
My heart is dead 
The bouquets continued, even after marriage. Now, you just added an extra day and made sure the bouquets on your wedding anniversary were extra colorful. It was how you showed him how much you loved him.
He adored this. A lot. It always made his day, even if the day was actual garbage. Coming home to you was always enough to make him happy, but coming home to a bouquet on the table, dinner being cooked, and the sound of you humming...Oh it just made his heart melt. Even after almost five years of it.
They always reminded him of the wedding -- the last time he recalled loving flowers. You had made sure your bouquet was the brightest thing in existence, jokingly saying you wanted the attention to be on that instead of your face. He still scolds you for that. Playfully of course.
I'm such a fool
He couldn’t recall when things started to go downhill. Things had been okay for so long that he didn’t see it at first. He knew you were busy so he never thought much of it when you would come home late.
Until you started coming home drunk.
There were times he would wonder where you were or why you were drinking...But for a while, he didn’t think to ask who you were drinking with. When he found out you and Shane had been growing closer, he got jealous. He knew you wouldn’t leave him, but the anxiety started to build. You were starting to pass out drunk on the way home or you and Shane would fall asleep at the bar.
Of course, he had to confront you about it. Not in a mean way, at least he thought he didn’t.
“It’s not okay for you to be doing that? Do you know how bad that is for you and how bad of an influence he is?”
Wrong answer.
“You don’t even know him. You just cared about making ends meet and didn’t really listen to him.”
Why did I fall for you?
He was grateful you had started to listen to him after that. You came home at night sober, but you began to distance yourself. In fact, you had begun to hang out with everyone but him. You stopped making the bouquets. You stopped giving him gifts. It soon came to a point where he felt like you wanted nothing to do with him. He felt empty and felt he had to make it up to you.
He messed up right? He could fix this...He had to.
I gave it all for you
Dinner every night was a pain, but he did it. He always made sure yours was hot, even when you came home at 1 am. He would be there, taking it out of the microwave. Dishes were always done. The house was always clean and very tidy. Farm was always taken care of. He really worked his ass off to make sure you were happy.
But it wasn’t enough.
You kept pushing yourself further and further from him. It eventually got to the point where you slept on the couch just to avoid him.
It was when he found the letter on your nightstand that he knew there was no fixing this.
So, knowing he wasn’t welcome, he packed his stuff and went back to his apartment above the clinic. Maru, who Harvey had been talking to about everything when things started to go south, helped him get settled back into his old home. She was the one who held him when he cried that night and she was the one who made sure he ate something before bed. She even told him to let her know if she needed to work more at the clinic, not wanting him to be pushed too much.
He was appreciative, but knew his work would be the only thing that would take his mind off of you.
Love around my neck starting to feel like the noose
The words lingered in his head for days. Every sentence filled him with hurt. What had he done wrong? Was he really that boring and unattractive? Should he have just given up at the beginning? Did you ever really love him?
Why did this happen to him?
He lost weight from his loss of appetite. He knew it was unhealthy, especially when people began to notice, but he always said he had started to work a bit harder to get physically fit and the results were starting to show. He didn’t want anyone to know how hurt he really was. Maru knew, and if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t have eaten.
He numbed himself to relationships of any kind. He once was very close with his patients, now he just saw them as his next visit. Even with Maru. He only saw her as an employee.
All of the lies starting to feel like the truth
He began to drink. He knew it would hurt him more, but his heart hurt all the time. He had no one to turn to when he really needed to talk, as everyone was asleep by then...But not you. You were always awake. He would hear you stumble out of the bar, laughing with at least one other person. You were drunk too, but you got to enjoy your time. He didn’t.
“Why me?”
At the end of the day, bitch, I'm not feeling you
After so long, he began to get used to the sound of you going home drunk. In fact, it worried him when you didn’t.
It started as just one night, no big deal. But then two...three...seven...twelve…
People began to look worried. No one had seen or heard from the town’s dear farmer in nearly two weeks.
The search parties started. Being himself, Harvey made sure to go. Yes, you hurt him, but by God what he would give for you to just run back into his arms and say how much you love him.
You playing with my heart, you made me look like a fool
He hated that he had been the one to find you. There was no doubt in his mind that you were gone; your skin a gray/blue color and flies around you. What killed you, he didn’t know. Only an autopsy would tell him.
At least until he further examined you.
A rather large wound on your abdomen. It was much too big to be treated on your own, but by the looks of it, you had tried to stitch it closed.
...You died because you refused to go to him for help and bled out...
This, a tragedy, it may end up on the news
The funeral was a sad one. It rained that day. Hard. Everyone in town was there too. Everyone. You had grown so close to everyone in your time away from Harvey. They all cared so much about you and our death hit hard.
It was also at the funeral where he realized how bad he had messed up. You hadn’t just been getting closer to Shane, you were getting closer to everyone. They all said a little bit of the stuff you did for them, mostly just helping out with tasks and small favors. You had started staying with Shane at the bar because he talked more when he was drunk and you had started getting drunk with him because it helped him open up. You were just trying to help him.
And Sam. You were helping him learn how to play cooler songs on the guitar and even showed him a couple cool tricks on the skateboard.
Abigail and Pierre had finally begun to form a bit of a stronger bond because you had been helping them talk through their differences.
You had been doing so much and he basically said you were cheating on him.
So, there he stood, watching the casket be lowered into the hole, and then buried. Many tears were shed. Many. Everyone knew the town wouldn’t be the same without you there. Especially Harvey.
At the end of the day, I don't wanna be with you
It rained today too.
“You still looked beautiful that day.” Harvey said softly, arranging the bouquet in his hand. All the flowers were brightly colored. Not as bright as you would have wished, but he was trying his best. “The flowers just enhanced your beauty.”
He stood in front of the tombstone, a large frown on his face. It had been even years since you had passed now, and he wasn’t doing any better. He still cried a lot, but now, it was more just a feeling. He couldn’t bring himself to get over you.
He slowly set the bouquet down against the silver tombstone, making sure you would be able to see it from the heavens.
“Happy Anniversary (y/n). I’m sorry I wasn’t a better husband to you and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save you.” He slipped his glasses off his face and fell to his knees, letting the tears fall. “I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t believe you! I’m sorry I let my feelings take over! I’m sorry I couldn’t trust you! I love you so much!”
Loud sobs left his mouth, his tears blending with the rain as they fell to the ground. His heart, for the millionth time, shattered before him.
“Harvey?” A soft voice asked.
The doctor wiped his eyes and turned his head slightly. At this point, everyone had seen him like this. He didn’t care anymore.
It was none other than Abigail behind him, an umbrella above her head and a spare one at her side.
“Hey, it’s okay. We all miss her.” She said and handed him her spare umbrella. “We’re all worried about you too. You aren’t the same.” She sat beside him. “We all arranged something to help you. Come to the saloon so we can tell you, please.”
Harvey looked to Abigail, and then back to the bouquet. You wouldn't want him to be sad. You hated seeing him cry. Maybe this was a sign from you.
“...O-okay...Thank you...Just, give me another moment. I-I’ll be there.” He mumbled, trying to hold back sobs.
Abigail nodded and stood, letting him have a moment while she told everyone what was going on. Harvey sat there a moment longer, wiping his eyes to rid them of the tears. He sniffed once more before saying the same thing he did every year. The poem you had written for him. Part of it at least. It was a reminder to the both of you that he knew he messed up.
“Roses are red...Violets are blue...My heart is...is dead...I...I’m such a fool…”
The tears came back.
“I’m such a fool.”
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mcatra · 4 years
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Catra works at Burger King pt 3
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catradora in ther modern party clothes!
AO3
pt1/2
Catra was currently studying in the library, trying to work her way through a math problem. 
Her place didn't have internet, so she usually alternated between the school wifi, the public library, and Burger King. Lonnie usually let her study in the break room when the libraries closed up. 
Her phone pings with a message, obviously from Adora. 
Catra picks up her phone and unlocks it, eyebrow raising when she sees the message. 
Adora: 
Wyd? 
Catra sighs. Of course that airheaded jock texted like a frat boy. As much as she wanted to leave her on read, a deal was a deal. 
Catra: 
Studying. 
Adora: 
So diligent! You're so cool, Catra :) 
Adora: 
I'm weightlifting right now! Gotta work off all those BK calories 💪
Great, maybe she will leave her alone to go do her workout. 
Adora: 
[image.attachment]
Catra almost drops her phone when she sees the photo Adora sent. It was a shot of her by the mirror, and she was flexing with a dumbbell. She was wearing a black crop top, which framed her abs perfectly.  What was she doing, getting flustered over what, a gym rat photo that looked like it belonged on a Tinder profile? After much gay panic and debate, Catra takes a photo of herself with her middle finger up to the camera. She taps ‘send’ angrily. 
Catra: 
[image.attachment] 🖕 She doesn't get a response for a few minutes, which was odd. Usually Adora typed back at the speed of lightning. 
Ping. 
Adora: 
wow Ur rlly hot  Catra looks at the text, slack jawed. What the hell? 
Adora: 
Oh my god I am so sorry. That was Glimmer, she took my phone. 
Catra could almost scream, but she was in a public library. She settles for furiously chewing her out, sharp nails flying over the keyboard. 
Catra: 
Plz make Ur excuses more believable. It's so unoriginal I can't even post this on r/OopsDidntMeanTo. 
Adora: 
I really didn't mean to 🥺
Adora: 
I mean 
Adora: 
Glimmer didn't mean to  God, Adora was so stupid. Yet here Catra was, blushing like a fool. When she doesn’t answer for a while, her phone starts pinging again with notifications. 
>Adora liked your photo
>Adora liked your status >Adora reacted to your comment >Adora liked your photo
It goes on for another 23 times and Catra scrolls through it, dumbfounded. Unblocking her was a mistake. 
---- 
As promised, Adora would visit her garage when her shifts were over bringing groceries. In exchange Catra would cook, as it seemed like Adora would burn water if she tried. 
It started off as a weekly thing, but in a true Adora-like fashion it ended up like this everyday. They would talk for hours, catching up on their lost years together. 
Adora talked about all sorts of things, like how hard it was adjusting to the soft beds at first and how she requested a hard one. She told her about the contents of the letters she would send to Catra that never went received. Catra just listened, gratified to hear that Adora missed her in their time apart even half as much as she did. 
They would sing the little songs they invented back when they were kids and make up whole new ones as they waited for the food. Adora even started learning how to cook after watching Catra, and she would barge in uninvited with new recipes. The food tasted better with company, and Adora took great pleasure in piling her seconds. 
Catra would show her the local dumpster and they would go scavenging for items they needed. She taught her how to repair the things they found using Youtube tutorials, and how to disinfect them. It was fun watching Adora try to haggle for prices at the market, or her face when she realized she had to use the outhouse to go to the bathroom at Catra’s. 
Days bleed into months, their easygoing friendship making Catra feel at peace for the first time in forever. 
Right now they were currently in their trial exam period, which functioned both as practice for their final exams and half of their final marks. They were sitting in the library, chatting about their future majors. 
Catra taps a pencil to her chin. ‘Let me guess, you want to do art. No, art history.’
‘Political science, actually! Did you know Eternia University has  the  number one ranked Political Science course in the entire country?' Adora says, flipping through the uni coursebook. 
'Wao, future leader of the free world huh? That's kinda hot.' Catra teases, while Adora swats her in embarrassment. 
'What about you?' 
'Double degree of Law and Social Work.' Catra replies. 'Cliche I know. But I just want to be in a position where I can sue the shit out of Shadow Weaver. The system is corrupt, and there's thousands of kids being abused.' 
'Wow, you're so cool Catra.' Adora says in awe. 'You're so smart, you'd definitely get in.' 
'Damn right.' She scoffs, crossing her arms. 
'You're gonna love Eternia. I went to their open day, the campus is gorgeous. Oh my gosh we could dorm together!' 
'Gross, who'd want to be  your  roommate?' 
'You  would.' 
'Ew, you're so full of yourself. Anyway get off me, I have work soon and I need to get changed.' 
'Ah yes, the cute Burger King apron. I never get tired of it.' 
They would always flirt back and forth like this, but nothing ever came out of it. 
With her friendship came the feelings that she had repressed long ago, unknotting and resurfacing like they had never gone at all. However she had no idea if Adora even liked her in that way, given how affectionate she was with Bow and Glimmer. She was popular with boys and girls alike, but she never dated anyone. Catra never dared to ask. 
Once Adora had fallen asleep in Catra's bed, and the brunette had woken up to the other girls arm around her and their feet tangled together. It reminded her of when they shared the bed as kids, but now they were grown up and this kind of thing didn't have an innocent meaning anymore. Having her there made her heart race and her palms sweaty.
She had wanted to kiss her then. She wanted to kiss her now. Catra wanted every single morning to end up like that. 
-- 
Adora:
Your birthday is soon! Did you want anything?
You  , Catra thinks, like a huge sap. 
Catra:
My sanity back. 
Adora: 
Oh my gosh, we could throw you a party at my place! You’re turning 18 right? We could go out drinking! Angella has this amazing vintage wine collection and I could make cocktails!  
Catra receives another wall of text, basically planning the entirety of this birthday party with Bow being the DJ and how Glimmer could make these buns that were to die for. Adora starts going through the entire party guest list until she has to cut in. 
Catra: 
lol calm down 
Adora: 
Does this mean Ur on board? 🎉
Catra: 
yes fine since you won't shut up about it 
Adora: 
AAAAAAAH YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️ U WILL NOT REGRET THIS 
DW I WILL PLAN EVERYTHING <3333 
💗💖💖😻
The excessive amount of heart emojis make Catra grin dumbly into her palm. 
She's glad they're not video chatting, or Adora would've already taken a screenshot. 
---
It’s the day of her 18th birthday, and she’s nearing the end of her shift. The best friend squad were waiting for her at their usual table so they could give her a ride. 
‘Hey Catra. Can I speak to you out back?’ Lonnie asks, gesturing outside. 
What the heck, did she do something wrong?  It’s been pretty peaceful as of late, and Catra tries to remember if she had done anything to Kyle recently. She nods, chucking her apron at the back as she tries not to notice Adora’s eyes following her. 
 Catra goes out to the back of the store, the night air nipping at her shoulders. Lonnie waits for her there, biting her lip.
‘What’s up? Don’t tell me you’re giving me a raise.’ Catra jokes. 
Lonnie looks conflicted, and she takes a big breath. 
‘I’m sorry but our store isn’t doing so well. I know you’re turning 18, and that means we can’t afford to keep you on anymore.’
‘What…?’ 
Catra felt numb, like she wasn’t really there in the back alley with Lonnie. It felt like an out of body experience. She could only stare at her, betrayed. 
Like Lonnie could read her mind, she tries to correct herself. ‘It wasn’t my decision, it was Octavia’s.’
Of course it was. Her regional manager was the reason she could never just swipe food while she was working. Octavia never liked her, she always reviewed the security cameras and told her off for goofing around. She must’ve known the door incident was on Catra’s shift, and what really happened despite Adora’s cover up. This ‘layoff’ was just an excuse to get rid of her from a financial standpoint. 
‘Thank you for all your hard work over these past 3 years. I know you’re going through a rough time, so we will of course give you a recommendation.’
Catra just nods. 
She returns to her shift, robotically going through the motions. Catra doesn’t even say anything sassy when Adora asks for a burger with no patty and no onions and no sauce, only cheese on bread.
The lack of a clever comeback to their gag routine has Adora concerned. ‘Are you okay?’ 
Of course she wasn’t. How could she be? She was going to have to vacate her garage space, not like she had anywhere to put her furniture in. What the hell was she going to do? 
‘I’m fine.’ She says, even though tears were threatening to burn a hole in the back of her eyelids. ‘Just...rough day.’ 
‘It’s your birthday! The party will cheer you up.’ Bow says brightly. ‘I have the sickest playlist of all time, you're gonna love it.' 
'My mum isn’t home so we have free reign over the entire house! Come on girl, let's get you changed!' Glimmer crows, too excited about the party to pick up on Catra's mood. 'Makeover time!!' 
The two of them force her into Glimmer's Mercedes, on their way to buy every alcohol imaginable from the bottle shop before they go to her house. 
The last thing Catra wanted to do was play dress up or even go to her party, but Adora had planned for so long for this. It would definitely ruin the entire night if she refused to go. 
Out of all the times they had hung out, she’s never been to Adora’s house. She leans her head against the window when they drive into the fancy part of town, by the lakeside with the multi-million dollar yachts parked in the water. 
That still doesn't prepare Catra for when security lets them in through the black gates to the biggest mansion she’s ever seen. There were fountains, perfectly manicured lawns, a tennis court, and was that  a helicopter pad?! 
It was incredible, she had only seen this kind of luxury in the movies. So Glimmer was rich , rich. No wonder she was put out that Adora had her 18th birthday at Burger King. 
Catra looks at Adora with a dumbfounded expression as the attendants let them in, and the blonde looks almost embarrassed when they have to get into an elevator to go to her room. 
Glimmer picks out a hybrid of clothes from her and Adora's closets. The walk-in wardrobe is huge, like a department store full of designer clothes, shoes, jewellery and bags. 
Her wardrobe alone is the size of Catra's home. The brunette suddenly understands why Adora cried upon seeing her concrete garage space. Looking at it, she wanted to cry too. 
Glimmer sets her down on her huge poster bed as she brings out a checkered crop top, ripped black garter shorts and an expensive looking black leather jacket with a gold trim. While Catra reluctantly gets changed, Glimmer picks out a pair of black strappy heeled boots and a hair straightener to battle the bush on Catra’s head. 
She sits still while Glimmer goes to work on her face, bringing out an entire Sephora’s worth of makeup. When Catra looks in the vanity mirror, she almost doesn’t recognize herself. Her eyes were framed with false eyelashes, a swooping cateye, smokey eyeshadow, sharp contour and her lips were now cherry red with bold lipstick. Glimmer applies the finishing touches with silver rings and clip on piercings. 
She hears Adora inhale with shock from the staircase in her bedroom. 
‘Catra you look incredible !’ She gasps. Adora was wearing this cute backless white dress tied with strings, short enough that it cropped above her knees. She was wearing sparkly wedges to go with it, and her hair was curled instead of her usual ponytail. Her delicate gold sword necklace frames her collarbones. 
Catra’s throat goes dry. ‘Uh- You too.’ 
 Glimmer smirks, satisfied with her work. She gets changed into her own outfit, a short purple tulle lace dress with a white fur trim and a cute Gucci clutch to accompany it. The pink haired girl spritzes them all with her various floral and sea spray scented perfumes before they head back downstairs.
‘Wow you guys look amazing!’ Scorpia marvels, and Adora’s friends voice their approval as well. 
‘Gosh this place is crazy.’ Scorpia whispers to Catra. ‘Did you see their pool? We should’ve just held the swimming carnival here!’ 
Catra opens her mouth to tell her how Lonnie had let her go, but Sea Hawk’s booming voice interrupts them. 
'I challenge you to the ultimate game of BEER PONG!' Sea Hawk announces, spinning the ball on his fingertips. 
Of course this gets everyone's competitive spirit going, and everyone gets into pairs. 
After a few drinks Catra has almost forgotten what she was worrying about earlier, too focused on the buzz. Her and Adora demolish the other teams by a landslide with their impeccable aim. 
Soon the attendants came out with dinner, and it was lavish with every food you could imagine. Lobster, kobe beef, hor d'oeuvres, beluga caviar, kale, and opulent ice cream were all among the plates of food on the table. They bring out a massive 3 tiered truffle cake, the words 'Happy Birthday' written with an oddly crude drawing of Catra. 
'You drew this?' She asks, and Adora nods happily. 'You worked so hard on mine, so.' Catra doesn’t have the heart to tell her that the cake was $7 and the drawing of her forehead was meant as an insult.  They sing the birthday song for her, and this time no one brings up the cake cutting tradition. 
 After dinner they sit outside in the garden around the bonfire Sea Hawk had made. He was drunkenly singing a loud shanty while Bow piled in the wood, fanning the flames. Frosta sips on a mocktail, the only one there who wasn’t old enough to drink yet. The fire flickers and dances, casting shadows around them. 
Catra downs a few more cocktails and jello shots as she waits for Mermista to light up some fireworks. Apparently it was illegal, but Mermista just waved her off, telling her that she’ll just pay the penalty fee as Catra’s birthday gift. Sea Hawk really did rub off on her. 
When she successfully sets them off they light up the sky in dazzling multicoloured sparks. Adora’s friends whoop with glee, taking photos and videos to commemorate the moment. 
Adora's side profile is lit up in the dark, and she looks impossibly beautiful among the backdrop of stars. Longing tears at her chest, Catra wants to hold her hand but her throat feels too tight and she can’t move. The truth was that she knew she had always had feelings for Adora, even back when they were just kids back in the foster home. But like a coward, she could never voice them for fear of Adora leaving her side. 
A loud neighing can be heard from the stables in response to the loud booming noises from the fireworks. 
'Swifty!' Adora says, standing up. The moment's breaks and Catra reels back her hand. 'Stay here, I'll be right back.' 
Her chance disappears, she couldn’t say it after all. She watches her go tend to her horse, feeling stupid. 
‘Yoohoo~, want a rematch?’ Sea Hawk calls out from the patio, pouring vodka into tiny glasses. 
‘Don’t mind if I do.’ Catra replies. She definitely didn’t know her alcohol tolerance levels yet, so it was the perfect time to take that to the test. 
Catra confidently does a whole line of shots, determined to drink herself into unconsciousness. Every time she sees a flash of Lonnie or Adora’s face in her mind, she takes another swig. Everyone is cheering her on, screaming the song ‘Shots’ over and over again, also all drunk out of their minds. Sea Hawk taps out at the 5th drink, and everyone screams at Catra’s flawless victory. Scorpia lifts her into the air to do a victory lap, cheering. 
Adora finally makes an appearance, alerted by the sound of Catra's shrieky laughter as Scorpia swings her around. 
‘Don’t worry, I can take it from here.’ Her school captain says pulling Catra away from her friend. Scorpia just shrugs and makes her way to the food table. ‘Catra, maybe you should slow down.’ Adora tells the giggling girl in her arms. 
‘Noo way.’ She slurs, she was enjoying the feeling too much, the alcohol burning through her body, making her feel lightheaded. The light up disco dancefloor starts to blur into a kaleidoscope of colours. 
‘You got some weed?’ Catra asks, seeing Perfuma light a bowl. The taller girl hands her an already rolled up one and Catra snatches it to take a long drag. The smoke hits her lungs and she starts coughing. 
‘Oi Perfuma, why did you bring drugs? Angella will kill me!' Adora gripes, trying to wrestle the blunt away from Catra. 
‘Aw don't be like that! I made some edibles for you guys to try.’ Perfuma says cheerfully, pointing to the pot brownies. 
‘See? Scorpia likes them.’ She gestures at the other girl, who seemed to be currently tripping out of her mind and eating everything on the table. 
Catra goes to reach for one, but Adora grabs her by the wrist to lead her back inside. 'Alright, you're done for the night. Everyone say bye!' 
‘Byee Catra!’
‘Happy birthday!!’
Adora grabs her by the waist to lead her to her bedroom, Catra wobbling after her in the heels Glimmer lent her. 
'Ugh Adoraaa, don't be such a party pooper. I'm fine.' She moans, leaning heavily on the other girl. 'Don't you have a shift tomorrow afternoon? I don't want you getting hungover or drug tested.' Adora chides, rummaging around the dark for the light switch. 
Catra snorts. 'Oh you don't have to worry about  that  anymore. Got laid off.' 
Adora looks at her in confusion, until realization dawns on her. 'Wait, is that why Lonnie took you outside?' 
'Say, I never got to give you  your  birthday gift.' Catra pushes her hair back, voice sultry as she flings off her jacket. She never pinned herself down as a horny drunk, but here they were. Catra shoves Adora onto the bed, straddling her. Her golden hair spills over the mattress, soft like spun silk. 
'You still want that kiss?' Catra whispers in Adora's now burning red ear. 'My knife touched the bottom.' 
Adora's face now resembled a fire truck, mouth gaping in shock.
'C-Catra, I…' 
Catra presses their lips together, silencing her. She knows she probably tastes like alcohol and weed right now, but she couldn't care less in the moment. Adora's mouth is still slack jawed from mortification, so she takes the opportunity for tongue. She frowns and moves down to her neck when Adora doesn’t return the kiss. 
'Catra, what are you doing-' 
Catra bites down on Adora's nape. The blonde underneath her lets out a soft gasp, arching her back. Her gold manicured nails dig into her shoulder. 
'Stop, you're not thinking straight-!' 
'Sure ain't.' Catra grins, licking a stripe down the base of her neck. Adora’s necklace chain jingles with the movement. There was now an impressive hickey there, blooming violet on her pale skin. She pauses to admire her handiwork. 
'This isn't you talking, you'll, you'll regret this in the morning.' Adora stutters. She's shivering, their hands now laced together, silver rings clanking. 
'I know. I don't care.' She replies, kissing her again. Adora's teeth nick her lip. The alcohol in her system makes her feel lightheaded, confident. No way would she have managed this sober. Adora tastes better than she does, sweet like blueberry soju. Catra's hands wander down further, pulling the strings to untie the back of her dress-
'Catra stop!'  Adora suddenly shouts, striking Catra across the cheek in a deafening  slap . 
Adora's eyes were blazing, almost teary in the dark. Her breathing was irregular, panting in and out. Catra stills, clutching her cheek. The look in her eyes sobered her immediately. 
Adora looks down at her palm, realizing what she just did. 'Sorry for hitting you!' She flounders. 'It's just that, you're only doing this because you’re drunk and upset, right?’
Catra just stares at her before climbing off. Cold realization settles as the fog in her brain clears. 'You're right. Forget it.' 
She sits on the edge of the bed, numbly watching Adora hurriedly trying to re-tie the back of her now wrinkled dress. Her lips are stained with Catra’s red lipstick. Adora catches her looking, and she quickly turns away to smooth down her hair with her fingers. 'You've had more than enough to drink tonight. I’ll get you some water to clear your head.’
She gets up to turn on the light switch, and Catra blinks in the harsh light from the chandeliers.  ‘Come on, let’s get you sobered up, okay?’ Adora leads her to the kitchen on the same floor, gingerly placing her friend on the slippery bar stool. 
The blonde goes to get the chilled jug of infused water from the fridge and pours it into a glass. Adora slides it across the island, and Catra reluctantly takes it. She sips at it, mint and lemon on her tongue. It tasted way better than her hose water. 
‘I’ll uh, pick out some groceries for you since we’re here and all.’ Adora says awkwardly into the silence, turning around to rummage through her pantry. 
Suddenly Catra is brought back to the whole reason why she was sitting here in this oversized mansion in the first place. Their friendship agreement. The one she had just violated. Catra had never felt more stupid to mistake Adora’s kindness and guilt for actual feelings. She felt like a charity case, waiting to collect food from the soup kitchen.
Of course Adora didn't like her back. She just saw her as someone needing to be saved. The product of survival guilt. Catra wanted to whack her head on the corner of her marbled countertop and not wake up. 
Adora takes out a green plastic bag, and starts filling it with everything and anything she can get. Cans, pasta, biscuits, fruits and vegetables. Actually this feeling was more like being one of those poor kids that white girls would pose next to for their Instagram after their trip to Africa.  Did Adora have fun, volunteering to slum it up in her place while she returned here? All she ever wanted her entire life was to be Adora’s equal. 
Scorpia and Sea Hawk's loud laughter and DJ music can be heard downstairs in the garden, beyond the tall golden trimmed windows. The class difference between them stretched like an unfathomable canyon. Living the classy bougie dream until the clock struck midnight and she was back in her run down garage. Except soon she won’t even have that anymore. Why did Adora have to bring her here? It was almost cruel. 
Catra's suddenly overcome with the urge to vomit. She nearly falls off the high chair in her rush to throw up the unholy cocktail of alcohol into the sink. Tears bead in her eyes from the sour taste as she continues to vomit out everything she ate that night. She can feel Adora by her side, patting her back reassuringly.
It was by far the worst birthday she has ever had. 
 --
The morning of, Catra woke up in Adora’s bed with a splitting headache. 
Unfortunately she was  not given the gift of amnesia, as she vividly remembered every last excruciating detail about last night. 
She spots Adora’s mop of blonde hair under a blanket on the floor, even though there were a billion other free spare rooms to sleep in. Adora was probably too afraid to share the same bed as her now.
Catra’s borrowed crop top digs uncomfortably into her skin, and she angrily flings it off her body. The shorts stick to her like a second skin, smelling of tequila. She grabs her old Burger King uniform and puts it on, though even this didn’t belong to her now. 
Adora shifts in her sleep, and Catra lightly steps over her to get to the door. The last thing she wanted was for Adora to wake up. 
As soon as she’s out, she runs out to the elevator and bangs frantically on the buttons until it sends her to the bottom floor. The lift opens with a  ding  and in her haste she almost crashes headfirst into Glimmer. 
‘Oh hey! Are you going to work?’ Glimmer greets. She was in her silk pajamas and slippers, holding a glass of orange juice. 
‘Uh. Yeah.’ Catra lies, trying her best to look natural. 
‘Some party last night huh? Lucky today is a Saturday.’ Glimmer says conversationally, unaware of Catra’s urge to throw her across the room. ‘Hey, what happened to your cheek?’
Catra clutches her face, it still strung from where Adora struck her. ‘Nothing.’
Glimmer raises an eyebrow. ‘Well anyway, did you wanna stick around for  breakfast? The cooks made pancakes, bacon, eggs, the whole deal.' She peeks behind Catra. 'Is Adora  still  not up yet?’ 
As much as Catra wanted to scream  get out of my way she schools her expression to her best customer service smile. ‘Nope she’s still sleeping it off. Anyway I’m gonna be late so I can’t stick around.’
‘Did you need a lift?’ Glimmer asks. It dawns on the brunette she couldn’t exactly run the entire way back home. ‘I’ll ask one of the drivers to take you back so you make it to your shift.’
Catra thanks her lucky stars that Glimmer was still too hungover to drive her. She wouldn’t have been able to dodge her questions if she had. 
‘Yes please.’ Catra says, giddy with relief. ‘Thank you.’ 
‘Ooh and before I forget, Adora told me last night to give you this.’ Glimmer says, grabbing the green bag of groceries off the counter. The shorter girl bundles it into Catra’s arms before she can object. 
‘Get home safe.’ She says, waving as the attendant leads her out the door. 
Catra looks down at the cans of food in her arms and doesn’t say anything.  
 ------
The days leading up to graduation were painful, to say the least. 
They more or less pretend the kiss didn't happen. Adora never brings it up, and neither does Catra. 
She would stare at the ceiling, wishing she had never gotten piss drunk at her birthday and kissed her. Adora was right, she did regret it. It was awful, the look on Adora's face when she slapped Catra replays in her mind and nightmares over and over again. It was mortifying. 
Adora still messages her every 3 days, and Catra still replies, though her words are empty and devoid of banter.  I'm worried about you,  she says.  I'm fine , Catra always responds. 
The brunette continues to humour her to keep the peace, only shutting down when her old job was mentioned. Catra doesn’t allow Adora back into her home again. 
Sometimes they study together, but she can't concentrate when Adora wears her glasses. Her heart hurts, so she cradles her cheek and tries not to remember. 
The hickey she had branded Adora's neck with had been covered with foundation until it faded away. None of her friends had teased her about it, so she clearly had not told a single soul what had happened. 
Catra bites at the scab on her lip from where Adora’s teeth nicked her until it bleeds. She wants to apologize, but the words stick on her tongue and she can't bring herself to talk about that night. 
Catra knew Adora was only here by her side to alleviate her guilt. Shame buries itself under her skin every time she's near her, like she was too embarrassed to even exist in the same space as Adora. She wants to disappear. 
Exams are hard, and without an internet connection after the library closes at 6pm made it difficult to study. In her heart she knew she wasn't going to come out on top. Her ranking had slipped, she wasn't even at second place anymore. Rent was due at the end of the month, and without her Burger King wage she knew she'll be kicked out sooner than later. 
Catra felt stressed and self destructive, and the only thing that kept her from falling off the edge completely was Scorpia. As much as she hated depending on others, she'd much rather her old coworker than Adora. 
Her classmates seemed to like this new, muted down version of Catra who didn't argue and just stayed quiet most of the time. Fighting back was too difficult when all she wanted to do was blend into the wallpaper. All they talked about was where they were going for vacation after graduation, and Catra certainly had nothing to contribute to that conversation.
She felt like crying, all the time. It was agony, wanting to burst out into tears randomly while she sat wasting away in the student council room. Despite herself, she missed Burger King, and she just kept getting ghosted or rejected in her other job applications. Sometimes when she really wanted to indulge herself, she'd go cry silently in the school toilet stall. 
Glimmer notices the change, and she catches her glaring. 'You don't seem as alive lately. Your eye bags are huge.' 
'S'fine.' Catra replies, hiding her hands so she doesn't see how they shake. Honestly Catra couldn't remember the last time she slept.
'Pfft, don't lie to me. Adora's worried about you. You're getting skinnier, and your eyes are always raw. All you do is stare into space.' 
Catra bites down on her nails. Of course she knew that. But she's gone through this before, and she'll do it again. 
'What happened between you two?’ 
‘None of your business.’ Catra replies, shuffling her way to the hall. 
--
 Their graduation ceremony starts off uneventfully. Every student’s parents except Catra’s sit proudly in the audience, eager to watch their kid graduate. One by one they receive their certificate and return to their seats. 
Adora and Catra stand side by side onstage, as Adora makes their final speech as School Captain. Through the blinding lights, she sees Angella waving proudly at her adoptive daughter in the crowd. 
Catra looks at Adora in the corner of her eye. She must look pathetic, lovesick and pining after someone she couldn’t have. 
‘It’s been such an honour serving the entire faculty and students of this school. I couldn’t have done it without my amazing Vice-Captain and all of my prefects. Now I’m proud to hand over my badge to the next School Captain, Frosta.’ 
They go through the rest of the ceremony like that, each member of the student council handing their badges to their successors. 
Soon their Principal comes up to the podium, tapping it once and clearing her throat. 
‘Announcing our honor student, and the winner of the scholarship to Eternia University…’ Castaspella says, turning over the sign card. 
‘None other than our school captain, Adora!’
Everyone starts clapping, and Adora walks across the stage to shake Castaspella's hand. 
Sounded about right. Catra never won against Adora in her entire life. She had already expected this outcome. Like a game of cat and mouse, going over and over for all eternity. 
Adora would excel with her elite education and secure a well paying job. Catra would struggle at the bottom indefinitely, never amounting to anything. She never would, if Adora was still there next to her. When the blonde re-entered her life, everything she had been working towards for years just collapsed. Her job, her home, her School Captain status, her chance at the scholarship, her sanity. 
She had to be wiped clean. A fresh start. 
The flower petals were falling, the streets decorated with a vibrant pink. The other students mill out of the crowd with their parents, chatting excitedly about what was next in their futures. She waits for Adora underneath a tree.  
'Congratulations.' Catra says, when she finally spots the other girl in the crowd. Adora pulls away from Angella’s embrace to meet her. 
'You deserve this so much more than I do.' Adora says, her voice pained like she didn't just win a full ride to her dream university. 'You should take it.'
'It's in your name, silly.' Catra replies, lightly tapping her with her rolled up certificate.
'Besides, I knew you'd get into Eternia, so I never applied.'
Adora blinks dumbly. '...What? Aren’t we going to the same university?’ 
She always was a bit slow on the uptake. ‘Only  you  decided that, stuupid. Say, it's about time we ended this right?' 
‘Catra, what are you...' 
'Our deal. You don't need to feel guilty anymore or bring me anything.' Catra says, her voice sounding like it didn't belong to her. She rummages in her bag, bringing out Adora's spare varsity jacket that she hadn’t returned. 'Here, take this. Thank you for all the help.' 
'What do you mean? You want to stop being friends?' Adora says in disbelief, taking the jacket.  
Catra nods. ‘I can’t continue with the arrangement. I hope you understand.’ 
‘I don’t! Was I the only one who thought we were friends, real ones?’ Adora asks.
‘...That’s right. I never saw you as a friend. You were just a meal ticket to me. Are you happy now?’ Catra snaps back. Shit, that wasn’t what she meant to say. She had planned to end this quickly and painlessly, on a high note.  Trust Adora to put up a fight. 
Something seems to click in Adora’s brain. ‘Is this about the night of the party?’
‘Figure that out yourself.’ Catra replies, turning to walk away. 
Adora grabs onto her arm. ‘Wait! If- if that’s what you want, I’ll give it! Just don't go!' 
This dumb blonde really was offering up her body, out of what? A sense of duty? How stupid. 
‘Is that right?’ Catra says, walking closer to her. Adora backs up until she is pinned to the tree. They’re face to face now. 
‘Can you really do this?’ Catra lifts Adora’s chin by a finger. 
Finally it seems to dawn on Adora exactly what Catra wanted. She swallows, biting her lip. 
There’s a flicker of hesitation, before Adora’s eyes squeeze shut defiantly. The blonde is shaking like a leaf, her breath coming out in panicked stutters from her pursed lips. 
Catra just stares at Adora’s scrunched up face impassively. Her scared reaction was the only confirmation she needed for closure. 
She flicks the other girl’s forehead, and her big blue eyes open in confusion. ‘Chill out, I’m not that evil to do it to someone so unwilling.’
 Adora blinks, clutching her forehead. ‘Catra?’
Suddenly Angella’s voice cuts through their conversation from the car park. ‘Adora dear, are you done chatting with your friend? We have reservations!'
‘Um, I…’ Her old school captain opens her mouth to say something, but Angella's started to lose her patience. 'Adora, how long are you going to stand there? Glimmer is already waiting for us at the restaurant!' 
Catra just smiles tiredly. ‘Take care, dummy.’ 
She watches Adora being dragged off unwillingly by her adoptive mother to the car. 
Catra lets out a sigh. Her phone pings with a message from Scorpia, and she knows it's time to go. 
---
 By the time Angella releases her from their graduation celebration, Adora can feel that it's already too late.
 Adora: 
Please, can we talk? Let me fix this
A pop up appears over the screen. 
Message Not Sent
This person isn't receiving messages at this time. 
Adora sends another message, but they all go undelivered. Catra had blocked her again. Panic spikes through her veins, and she quickly dons on a jacket and grabs her car keys. 
She sneaks out that night, down the familiar winding path through the bush that led to Catra's place. 
'Catra?' She rolls up the garage door, blinking in the darkness. When her eyes adjusted, she found Catra's old home completely emptied. 
All the furniture and items her friend had collected over the years, they were all gone. The little stove where they cooked, the old mattress where they talked late into the night, all vanished like they were never there. 
A single green plastic bag remained on the floor untouched, filled to the brim of food. 
     catra working at BK fanart: 
https://twitter.com/huetrooper/status/1265188930741080064
https://twitter.com/quackelroys/status/1271199987540668416?s=20
https://mcatra.tumblr.com/post/620493235561824256/your-catra-works-at-burger-king-fic-is-great-you
 pt1, pt 2
Catra was currently studying in the library, trying to work her way through a math problem. 
Her place didn't have internet, so she usually alternated between the school wifi, the public library, and Burger King. Lonnie usually let her study in the break room when the libraries closed up. 
Her phone pings with a message, obviously from Adora. 
Catra picks up her phone and unlocks it, eyebrow raising when she sees the message. 
Adora: 
Wyd? 
Catra sighs. Of course that airheaded jock texted like a frat boy. As much as she wanted to leave her on read, a deal was a deal. 
Catra: 
Studying. 
Adora: 
So diligent! You're so cool, Catra :) 
Adora: 
I'm weightlifting right now! Gotta work off all those BK calories 💪
Great, maybe she will leave her alone to go do her workout. 
Adora: 
[image.attachment]
Catra almost drops her phone when she sees the photo Adora sent. It was a shot of her by the mirror, and she was flexing with a dumbbell. She was wearing a black crop top, which framed her abs perfectly. 
What was she doing, getting flustered over what, a gym rat photo that looked like it belonged on a Tinder profile? 
After much gay panic and debate, Catra takes a photo of herself with her middle finger up to the camera. She taps ‘send’ angrily. 
Catra: 
[image.attachment] 🖕
She doesn't get a response for a few minutes, which was odd. Usually Adora typed back at the speed of lightning. 
Ping. 
Adora: 
wow Ur rlly hot 
Catra looks at the text, slack jawed. What the hell? 
Adora: 
Oh my god I am so sorry. That was Glimmer, she took my phone. 
Catra could almost scream, but she was in a public library. She settles for furiously chewing her out, sharp nails flying over the keyboard. 
Catra: 
Plz make Ur excuses more believable. It's so unoriginal I can't even post this on r/OopsDidntMeanTo. 
Adora: 
I really didn't mean to 🥺
Adora: 
I mean 
Adora: 
Glimmer didn't mean to 
God, Adora was so stupid. Yet here Catra was, blushing like a fool. When she doesn’t answer for a while, her phone starts pinging again with notifications. 
>Adora liked your photo
>Adora liked your status >Adora reacted to your comment >Adora liked your photo
It goes on for another 23 times and Catra scrolls through it, dumbfounded. Unblocking her was  a mistake. 
---- 
As promised, Adora would visit her garage when her shifts were over bringing groceries. In exchange Catra would cook, as it seemed like Adora would burn water if she tried. 
It started off as a weekly thing, but in a true Adora-like fashion it ended up like this everyday. They would talk for hours, catching up on their lost years together. 
Adora talked about all sorts of things, like how hard it was adjusting to the soft beds at first and how she requested a hard one. She told her about the contents of the letters she would send to Catra that never went received. Catra just listened, gratified to hear that Adora missed her in their time apart even half as much as she did. 
They would sing the little songs they invented back when they were kids and make up whole new ones as they waited for the food. Adora even started learning how to cook after watching Catra, and she would barge in uninvited with new recipes. The food tasted better with company, and Adora took great pleasure in piling her seconds. 
Catra would show her the local dumpster and they would go scavenging for items they needed. She taught her how to repair the things they found using Youtube tutorials, and how to disinfect them. It was fun watching Adora try to haggle for prices at the market, or her face when she realized she had to use the outhouse to go to the bathroom at Catra’s. 
Days bleed into months, their easygoing friendship making Catra feel at peace for the first time in forever. 
Right now they were currently in their trial exam period, which functioned both as practice for their final exams and half of their final marks. They were sitting in the library, chatting about their future majors. 
Catra taps a pencil to her chin. ‘Let me guess, you want to do art. No, art history.’
‘Political science, actually! Did you know Eternia University has the number one ranked Political Science course in the entire country?' Adora says, flipping through the uni coursebook. 
'Wao, future leader of the free world huh? That's kinda hot.' Catra teases, while Adora swats her in embarrassment. 
'What about you?' 
'Double degree of Law and Social Work.' Catra replies. 'Cliche I know. But I just want to be in a position where I can sue the shit out of Shadow Weaver. The system is corrupt, and there's thousands of kids being abused.' 
'Wow, you're so cool Catra.' Adora says in awe. 'You're so smart, you'd definitely get in.' 
'Damn right.' She scoffs, crossing her arms. 
'You're gonna love Eternia. I went to their open day, the campus is gorgeous. Oh my gosh we could dorm together!' 
'Gross, who'd want to be your roommate?' 
'You would.' 
'Ew, you're so full of yourself. Anyway get off me, I have work soon and I need to get changed.' 
'Ah yes, the cute Burger King apron. I never get tired of it.' 
They would always flirt back and forth like this, but nothing ever came out of it. 
With her friendship came the feelings that she had repressed long ago, unknotting and resurfacing like they had never gone at all. However she had no idea if Adora even liked her in that way, given how affectionate she was with Bow and Glimmer. She was popular with boys and girls alike, but she never dated anyone. Catra never dared to ask. 
Once Adora had fallen asleep in Catra's bed, and the brunette had woken up to the other girls arm around her and their feet tangled together. It reminded her of when they shared the bed as kids, but now they were grown up and this kind of thing didn't have an innocent meaning anymore. Having her there made her heart race and her palms sweaty.
She had wanted to kiss her then. She wanted to kiss her now. Catra wanted every single morning to end up like that. 
-- 
Adora:
Your birthday is soon! Did you want anything?
You, Catra thinks, like a huge sap. 
Catra:
My sanity back. 
Adora: 
Oh my gosh, we could throw you a party at my place! You’re turning 18 right? We could go out drinking! Angella has this amazing vintage wine collection and I could make cocktails!  
Catra receives another wall of text, basically planning the entirety of this birthday party with Bow being the DJ and how Glimmer could make these buns that were to die for. Adora starts going through the entire party guest list until she has to cut in. 
Catra: 
lol calm down 
Adora: 
Does this mean Ur on board? 🎉
Catra: 
yes fine since you won't shut up about it 
Adora: 
AAAAAAAH YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!!!! ♥️���️♥️♥️ U WILL NOT REGRET THIS 
DW I WILL PLAN EVERYTHING <3333 
💗💖💖😻
The excessive amount of heart emojis make Catra grin dumbly into her palm. 
She's glad they're not video chatting, or Adora would've already taken a screenshot. 
---
It’s the day of her 18th birthday, and she’s nearing the end of her shift. The best friend squad were waiting for her at their usual table so they could give her a ride. 
‘Hey Catra. Can I speak to you out back?’ Lonnie asks, gesturing outside. 
What the heck, did she do something wrong? It’s been pretty peaceful as of late, and Catra tries to remember if she had done anything to Kyle recently. She nods, chucking her apron at the back as she tries not to notice Adora’s eyes following her. 
Catra goes out to the back of the store, the night air nipping at her shoulders. Lonnie waits for her there, biting her lip.
‘What’s up? Don’t tell me you’re giving me a raise.’ Catra jokes. 
Lonnie looks conflicted, and she takes a big breath. 
‘I’m sorry but our store isn’t doing so well. I know you’re turning 18, and that means we can’t afford to keep you on anymore.’
‘What…’ 
Catra felt numb, like she wasn’t really there in the back alley with Lonnie. It felt like an out of body experience. She could only stare at her, betrayed. 
Like Lonnie could read her mind, she tries to correct herself. ‘It wasn’t my decision, it was Octavia’s.’
Of course it was. Her regional manager was the reason she could never just swipe food while she was working. Octavia never liked her, she always reviewed the security cameras and told her off for goofing around. She must’ve known the door incident was on Catra’s shift, and what really happened despite Adora’s cover up. This ‘layoff’ was just an excuse to get rid of her from a financial standpoint. 
‘Thank you for all your hard work over these past 3 years. I know you’re going through a rough time, so we will of course give you a recommendation.’
Catra just nods. 
She returns to her shift, robotically going through the motions. Catra doesn’t even say anything sassy when Adora asks for a burger with no patty and no onions and no sauce, only cheese on bread.
The lack of a clever comeback to their gag routine has Adora concerned. ‘Are you okay?’ 
Of course she wasn’t. How could she be? She was going to have to vacate her garage space, not like she had anywhere to put her furniture in. What the hell was she going to do? 
‘I’m fine.’ She says, even though tears were threatening to burn a hole in the back of her eyelids. ‘Just...rough day.’ 
‘It’s your birthday! The party will cheer you up.’ Bow says brightly. ‘I have the sickest playlist of all time, you're gonna love it.' 
'My mum isn’t home so we have free reign over the entire house! Come on girl, let's get you changed!' Glimmer crows, too excited about the party to pick up on Catra's mood. 'Makeover time!!' 
The two of them force her into Glimmer's Mercedes, on their way to buy every alcohol imaginable from the bottle shop before they go to her house. 
The last thing Catra wanted to do was play dress up or even go to her party, but Adora had planned for so long for this. It would definitely ruin the entire night if she refused to go. 
Out of all the times they had hung out, she’s never been to Adora’s house. She leans her head against the window when they drive into the fancy part of town, by the lakeside with the multi-million dollar yachts parked in the water. 
That still doesn't prepare Catra for when security lets them in through the black gates to the biggest mansion she’s ever seen. There were fountains, perfectly manicured lawns, a tennis court, and was that a helicopter pad?! 
It was incredible, Catra could only walk in a daze with her jaw dropped on their polished marble floors. So Glimmer was rich, rich. No wonder she was put out that Adora had her 18th birthday at Burger King. 
Catra looks at Adora with a dumbfounded expression, and the blonde looks almost embarrassed when they have to get into an elevator to go to her room. 
Glimmer picks out a hybrid of clothes from her and Adora's closets. The walk-in wardrobe is huge, like a department store full of designer clothes, shoes, jewellery and bags. 
Her wardrobe alone is the size of Catra's home. The brunette suddenly understands why Adora cried upon seeing her concrete garage space. Looking at it, she wanted to cry too. 
Glimmer sets her down on her huge poster bed as she brings out a checkered crop top, ripped black garter shorts and an expensive looking black leather jacket with a gold trim. While Catra reluctantly gets changed, Glimmer picks out a pair of black strappy heeled boots and a hair straightener to battle the bush on Catra’s head. 
She sits still while Glimmer goes to work on her face, bringing out an entire Sephora’s worth of makeup. When Catra looks in the vanity mirror, she almost doesn’t recognize herself. Her eyes were framed with false eyelashes, a swooping cateye, smokey eyeshadow, sharp contour and her lips were now cherry red with bold lipstick. Glimmer applies the finishing touches with silver rings and clip on piercings. 
She hears Adora inhale with shock from the staircase in her bedroom. 
‘Catra you look incredible!’ She gasps. Adora was wearing this cute backless white dress tied with strings, short enough that it cropped above her knees. She was wearing sparkly wedges to go with it, and her hair was curled instead of her usual ponytail. Her delicate gold sword necklace frames her collarbones. 
Catra’s throat goes dry. ‘Uh- You too.’ 
Glimmer smirks, satisfied with her work. She gets changed into her own outfit, a short purple tulle lace dress with a white fur trim and a cute Gucci clutch to accompany it. The pink haired girl spritzes them all with her various floral and sea spray scented perfumes before they head back downstairs.
‘Wow you guys look amazing!’ Scorpia marvels, and Adora’s friends voice their approval as well.
‘Gosh this place is crazy.’ Scorpia whispers to Catra. ‘Did you see their pool? We should’ve just held the swimming carnival here!’ 
Catra opens her mouth to tell her how Lonnie had let her go, but Sea Hawk’s booming voice interrupts them. 
'I challenge you to the ultimate game of BEER PONG!' Sea Hawk announces, spinning the ball on his fingertips. 
Of course this gets everyone's competitive spirit going, and everyone gets into pairs. 
After a few drinks Catra has almost forgotten what she was worrying about earlier, too focused on the buzz. Her and Adora demolish the other teams by a landslide with their impeccable aim. 
Soon the attendants came out with dinner, and it was lavish with every food you could imagine. Lobster, kobe beef, hor d'oeuvres, beluga caviar, kale, and opulent ice cream were all among the plates of food on the table.
They bring out a massive 3 tiered truffle cake, the words 'Happy Birthday' written with an oddly crude drawing of Catra. 
'You drew this?' She asks, and Adora nods happily. 'You worked so hard on mine, so.' Catra doesn’t have the heart to tell her that the cake was $7 and the drawing of her forehead was meant as an insult. 
They sing the birthday song for her, and this time no one brings up the cake cutting tradition. 
After dinner they sit outside in the garden around the bonfire Sea Hawk had made. He was drunkenly singing a loud shanty while Bow piled in the wood, fanning the flames. Frosta sips on a mocktail, the only one there who wasn’t old enough to drink yet. The fire flickers and dances, casting shadows around them. 
Catra downs a few more cocktails and jello shots as she waits for Mermista to light up some fireworks. Apparently it was illegal, but Mermista just waved her off, telling her that she’ll just pay the penalty fee as Catra’s birthday gift. Sea Hawk really did rub off on her. 
When she successfully sets them off they light up the sky in dazzling multicoloured sparks. Adora’s friends whoop with glee, taking photos and videos to commemorate the moment. 
Adora's side profile is lit up in the dark, and she looks impossibly beautiful among the backdrop of stars. Longing tears at her chest, Catra wants to hold her hand but her throat feels too tight and she can’t move. The truth was that she knew she had always had feelings for Adora, even back when they were just kids back in the foster home. But like a coward, she could never voice them for fear of Adora leaving her side. 
A loud neighing can be heard from the stables in response to the loud booming noises from the fireworks. 
'Swifty!' Adora says, standing up. The moment's breaks and Catra reels back her hand. 'Stay here, I'll be right back.' 
Her chance disappears, she couldn’t say it after all. She watches her go tend to her horse, feeling stupid. 
‘Yoohoo~, want a rematch?’ Sea Hawk calls out from the patio, pouring vodka into tiny glasses. 
‘Don’t mind if I do.’ Catra replies. She definitely didn’t know her alcohol tolerance levels yet, so it was the perfect time to take that to the test. 
Catra confidently does a whole line of shots, determined to drink herself into unconsciousness. Every time she sees a flash of Lonnie or Adora’s face in her mind, she takes another swig. Everyone is cheering her on, screaming the song ‘Shots’ over and over again, also all drunk out of their minds. Sea Hawk taps out at the 5th drink, and everyone screams at Catra’s flawless victory. Scorpia lifts her into the air to do a victory lap, cheering. 
Adora finally makes an appearance, alerted by the sound of Catra's shrieky laughter as Scorpia swings her around. 
‘Don’t worry, I can take it from here.’ Her school captain says pulling Catra away from her friend. Scorpia just shrugs and makes her way to the food table.
‘Catra, maybe you should slow down.’ Adora tells the giggling girl in her arms. 
‘Noo way.’ She slurs, she was enjoying the feeling too much, the alcohol burning through her body, making her feel lightheaded. The light up disco dancefloor starts to blur into a kaleidoscope of colours. 
‘You got some weed?’ Catra asks, seeing Perfuma light a bowl. The taller girl hands her an already rolled up one and Catra snatches it to take a long drag. The smoke hits her lungs and she starts coughing. 
‘Oi Perfuma, why did you bring drugs? Angella will kill me!' Adora gripes, trying to wrestle the blunt away from Catra. 
‘Aw don't be like that! I made some edibles for you guys to try.’ Perfuma says cheerfully, pointing to the pot brownies. 
‘See? Scorpia likes them.’ She gestures at the other girl, who seemed to be currently tripping out of her mind and eating everything on the table. 
Catra goes to reach for one, but Adora grabs her by the wrist to lead her back inside. 'Alright, you're done for the night. Everyone say bye!' 
‘Byee Catra!’
‘Happy birthday!!’
Adora grabs her by the waist to lead her to her bedroom, Catra wobbling after her in the heels Glimmer lent her. 
'Ugh Adoraaa, don't be such a party pooper. I'm fine.' She moans, leaning heavily on the other girl. 'Don't you have a shift tomorrow afternoon? I don't want you getting hungover or drug tested.' Adora chides, rummaging around the dark for the light switch. 
Catra snorts. 'Oh you don't have to worry about that anymore. Got laid off.' 
Adora looks at her in confusion, until realization dawns on her. 'Wait, is that why Lonnie took you outside?' 
'Say, I never got to give you your birthday gift.' Catra pushes her hair back, voice sultry as she flings off her jacket. She never pinned herself down as a horny drunk, but here they were. Catra shoves Adora onto the bed, straddling her. Her golden hair spills over the mattress, soft like spun silk. 
'You still want that kiss?' Catra whispers in Adora's now burning red ear. 'My knife touched the bottom.' 
Adora's face now resembled a fire truck, mouth gaping in shock.
'C-Catra, I…' 
Catra presses their lips together, silencing her. She knows she probably tastes like alcohol and weed right now, but she couldn't care less in the moment. Adora's mouth is still slack jawed from mortification, so she takes the opportunity for tongue. She frowns and moves down to her neck when Adora doesn’t return the kiss. 
'Catra, what are you doing-' 
Catra bites down on Adora's nape. The blonde underneath her lets out a soft gasp, arching her back. Her gold manicured nails dig into her shoulder. 
'Stop, you're not thinking straight-!' 
'Sure ain't.' Catra grins, licking a stripe down the base of her neck. Adora’s necklace chain jingles with the movement. There was now an impressive hickey there, blooming violet on her pale skin. She pauses to admire her handiwork. 
'This isn't you talking, you'll, you'll regret this in the morning.' Adora stutters. She's shivering, their hands now laced together, silver rings clanking. 
 'I know. I don't care.' She replies, kissing her again. Adora's teeth nick her lip. The alcohol in her system makes her feel lightheaded, confident. No way would she have managed this sober. Adora tastes better than she does, sweet like blueberry soju. Catra's hands wander down further, pulling the strings to untie the back of her dress-
'Catra stop!' Adora suddenly shouts, striking Catra across the cheek in a deafening slap. 
Adora's eyes were blazing, almost teary in the dark. Her breathing was irregular, panting in and out. Catra stills, clutching her cheek. The look in her eyes sobered her immediately. 
Adora looks down at her palm, realizing what she just did. 'Sorry for hitting you!' She flounders. 'It's just that, you're only doing this because you’re drunk and upset, right?’
Catra just stares at her before climbing off. Cold realization settles as the fog in her brain clears. 'You're right. Forget it.' 
She sits on the edge of the bed, numbly watching Adora hurriedly trying to re-tie the back of her now wrinkled dress. Her lips are stained with Catra’s red lipstick. 
Adora catches her looking, and she quickly turns away to smooth down her hair with her fingers. 'You've had more than enough to drink tonight. I’ll get you some water to clear your head.’
She gets up to turn on the light switch, and Catra blinks in the harsh light from the chandeliers. 
‘Come on, let’s get you sobered up, okay?’ Adora leads her to the kitchen on the same floor, gingerly placing her friend on the slippery bar stool. 
The blonde goes to get the chilled jug of infused water from the fridge and pours it into a glass. Adora slides it across the island, and Catra reluctantly takes it. She sips at it, mint and lemon on her tongue. It tasted way better than her hose water. 
‘I’ll uh, pick out some groceries for you since we’re here and all.’ Adora says awkwardly into the silence, turning around to rummage through her pantry. 
Suddenly Catra is brought back to the whole reason why she was sitting here in this oversized mansion in the first place. Their friendship agreement. The one she had just violated. Catra had never felt more stupid to mistake Adora’s kindness and guilt for actual feelings. She felt like a charity case, waiting to collect food from the soup kitchen.
Of course Adora didn't like her back. She just saw her as someone needing to be saved. The product of survival guilt. Catra wanted to whack her head on the corner of her marbled countertop and not wake up. 
Adora takes out a green plastic bag, and starts filling it with everything and anything she can get. Cans, pasta, biscuits, fruits and vegetables. Actually this feeling was more like being one of those poor kids that white girls would pose next to for their Instagram after their trip to Africa. 
Did Adora have fun, volunteering to slum it up in her place while she returned here? All she ever wanted her entire life was to be Adora’s equal. 
Scorpia and Sea Hawk's loud laughter and DJ music can be heard downstairs in the garden, beyond the tall golden trimmed windows. The class difference between them stretched like an unfathomable canyon. Living the classy bougie dream until the clock struck midnight and she was back in her run down garage. Except soon she won’t even have that anymore. Why did Adora have to bring her here? It was almost cruel. 
Catra's suddenly overcome with the urge to vomit. She nearly falls off the high chair in her rush to throw up the unholy cocktail of alcohol into the sink. Tears bead in her eyes from the sour taste as she continues to vomit out everything she ate that night. She can feel Adora by her side, patting her back reassuringly.
It was by far the worst birthday she has ever had. 
--
The morning of, Catra woke up in Adora’s bed with a splitting headache. 
Unfortunately she was not given the gift of amnesia, as she vividly remembered every last excruciating detail about last night. 
She spots Adora’s mop of blonde hair under a blanket on the floor, even though there were a billion other free spare rooms to sleep in. Adora was probably too afraid to share the same bed as her now.
Catra’s borrowed crop top digs uncomfortably into her skin, and she angrily flings it off her body. The shorts stick to her like a second skin, smelling of tequila. She grabs her old Burger King uniform and puts it on, though even this didn’t belong to her now. 
Adora shifts in her sleep, and Catra lightly steps over her to get to the door. The last thing she wanted was for Adora to wake up. 
As soon as she’s out, she runs out to the elevator and bangs frantically on the buttons until it sends her to the bottom floor. The lift opens with a ding and in her haste she almost crashes headfirst into Glimmer. 
‘Oh hey! Are you going to work?’ Glimmer greets. She was in her silk pajamas and slippers, holding a glass of orange juice. 
‘Uh. Yeah.’ Catra lies, trying her best to look natural. 
‘Some party last night huh? Lucky today is a Saturday.’ Glimmer says conversationally, unaware of Catra’s urge to throw her across the room. ‘Hey, what happened to your cheek?’
Catra clutches her face, it still strung from where Adora struck her. ‘Nothing.’
Glimmer raises an eyebrow. ‘Well anyway, did you wanna stick around for  breakfast? The cooks made pancakes, bacon, eggs, the whole deal.' She peeks behind Catra. 'Is Adora still not up yet?’ 
As much as Catra wanted to scream get out of my way she schools her expression to her best customer service smile. ‘Nope she’s still sleeping it off. Anyway I’m gonna be late so I can’t stick around.’
‘Did you need a lift?’ Glimmer asks. It dawns on the brunette she couldn’t exactly run the entire way back home. ‘I’ll ask one of the drivers to take you back so you make it to your shift.’
Catra thanks her lucky stars that Glimmer was still too hungover to drive her. She wouldn’t have been able to dodge her questions if she had. 
‘Yes please.’ Catra says, giddy with relief. ‘Thank you.’ 
‘Ooh and before I forget, Adora told me last night to give you this.’ Glimmer says, grabbing the green bag of groceries off the counter. The shorter girl bundles it into Catra’s arms before she can object. 
‘Get home safe.’ She says, waving as the attendant leads her out the door. 
Catra looks down at the cans of food in her arms and doesn’t say anything.  
------
The days leading up to graduation were painful, to say the least. 
They more or less pretend the kiss didn't happen. Adora never brings it up, and neither does Catra. 
She would stare at the ceiling, wishing she had never gotten piss drunk at her birthday and kissed her. Adora was right, she did regret it. It was awful, the look on Adora's face when she slapped Catra replays in her mind and nightmares over and over again. It was mortifying. 
Adora still messages her every 3 days, and Catra still replies, though her words are empty and devoid of banter. I'm worried about you, she says. I'm fine, Catra always responds. 
The brunette continues to humour her to keep the peace, only shutting down when her old job was mentioned. Catra doesn’t allow Adora back into her home again. 
Sometimes they study together, but she can't concentrate when Adora wears her glasses. Her heart hurts, so she cradles her cheek and tries not to remember. 
The hickey she had branded Adora's neck with had been covered with foundation until it faded away. None of her friends had teased her about it, so she clearly had not told a single soul what had happened. 
Catra bites at the scab on her lip from where Adora’s teeth nicked her until it bleeds. She wants to apologize, but the words stick on her tongue and she can't bring herself to talk about that night. 
Catra knew Adora was only here by her side to alleviate her guilt. Shame buries itself under her skin every time she's near her, like she was too embarrassed to even exist in the same space as Adora. She wants to disappear. 
Exams are hard, and without an internet connection after the library closes at 6pm made it difficult to study. She tries to use the Mcdonald's wifi but soon just ordering a water cup wasn't enough for the workers to let her stay. It was a fruitless effort anyway, in her heart she knew she wasn't going to come out on top. Her ranking had slipped, she wasn't even at second place anymore. Rent was due at the end of the month, and without her Burger King wage she knew she'll be kicked out sooner than later. 
Catra felt stressed and self destructive, and the only thing that kept her from falling off the edge completely was Scorpia. As much as she hated depending on others, she'd much rather her old coworker than Adora. 
Her classmates seemed to like this new, muted down version of Catra who didn't argue and just stayed quiet most of the time. Fighting back was too difficult when all she wanted to do was blend into the wallpaper. All they talked about was where they were going for vacation after graduation, and Catra certainly had nothing to contribute to that conversation.
She felt like crying, all the time. It was agony, wanting to burst out into tears randomly while she sat wasting away in the student council room. Despite herself, she missed Burger King, and she just kept getting ghosted or rejected in her other job applications. Sometimes when she really wanted to indulge herself, she'd go cry silently in the school toilet stall. 
Glimmer notices the change, and she catches her glaring. 'You don't seem as alive lately. Your eye bags are huge.' 
'S'fine.' Catra replies, hiding her hands so she doesn't see how they shake. Honestly Catra couldn't remember the last time she slept.
'Pfft, don't lie to me. Adora's worried about you. You're getting skinnier, and your eyes are always raw. All you do is stare into space.' 
Catra bites down on her nails. Of course she knew that. But she's gone through this before, and she'll do it again. 
'What happened between you two?’ 
‘None of your business.’ Catra replies, shuffling her way to the hall. 
--
Their graduation ceremony starts off uneventfully. Every student’s parents except Catra’s sit proudly in the audience, eager to watch their kid graduate. One by one they receive their certificate and return to their seats. 
Adora and Catra stand side by side onstage, as Adora makes their final speech as School Captain. Through the blinding lights, she sees Angella waving proudly at her adoptive daughter in the crowd. 
Catra looks at Adora in the corner of her eye. She must look pathetic, lovesick and pining after someone she couldn’t have. 
‘It’s been such an honour serving the entire faculty and students of this school. I couldn’t have done it without my amazing Vice-Captain and all of my prefects.
Now I’m proud to hand over my badge to the next School Captain, Frosta.’ 
They go through the rest of the ceremony like that, each member of the student council handing their badges to their successors. 
Soon their Principal comes up to the podium, tapping it once and clearing her throat. 
‘Announcing our honor student, and the winner of the scholarship to Eternia University…’ Castaspella says, turning over the sign card. 
‘None other than our school captain, Adora!’
Everyone starts clapping, and Adora walks across the stage to shake Castaspella's hand. 
Sounded about right. Catra never won against Adora in her entire life. She had already expected this outcome. Like a game of cat and mouse, going over and over for all eternity. 
Adora would excel with her elite education and secure a well paying job. Catra would struggle at the bottom indefinitely, never amounting to anything. She never would, if Adora was still there next to her. When the blonde re-entered her life, everything she had been working towards for years just collapsed. Her job, her home, her School Captain status, her chance at the scholarship, her sanity. 
She had to be wiped clean. A fresh start. 
The flower petals were falling, the streets decorated with a vibrant pink. The other students mill out of the crowd with their parents, chatting excitedly about what was next in their futures. She waits for Adora underneath a tree.  
'Congratulations.' Catra says, when she finally spots the other girl in the crowd. Adora pulls away from Angella’s embrace to meet her. 
'You deserve this so much more than I do.' Adora says, her voice pained like she didn't just win a full ride to her dream university. 'You should take it.'
'It's in your name, silly.' Catra replies, lightly tapping her with her rolled up certificate.
'Besides, I knew you'd get into Eternia, so I never applied.'
Adora blinks dumbly. '...What? Aren’t we going to the same university?’ 
She always was a bit slow on the uptake. ‘Only you decided that, stuupid. Say, it's about time we ended this right?' 
‘Catra, what are you...' 
'Our deal. You don't need to feel guilty anymore or bring me anything.' Catra says, her voice sounding like it didn't belong to her. She rummages in her bag, bringing out Adora's spare varsity jacket that she hadn’t returned. 'Here, take this. Thank you for all the help.' 
'What do you mean? You want to stop being friends?' Adora says in disbelief, taking the jacket.  
Catra nods. ‘I can’t continue with the arrangement. I hope you understand.’ 
‘I don’t! Was I the only one who thought we were friends, real ones?’ Adora asks.
‘...That’s right. I never saw you as a friend. You were just a meal ticket to me. Are you happy now?’ Catra snaps back. Shit, that wasn’t what she meant to say. She had planned to end this quickly and painlessly, on a high note. Trust Adora to put up a fight. 
Something seems to click in Adora’s brain. ‘Is this about the night of the party?’
‘Figure that out yourself.’ Catra replies, turning to walk away. 
Adora grabs onto her arm. ‘Wait! If- if that’s what you want, I’ll give it! Just don't go!' 
This dumb blonde really was offering up her body, out of what? A sense of duty? How stupid. 
‘Is that right?’ Catra says, walking closer to her. Adora backs up until she is pinned to the tree. They’re face to face now. 
‘Can you really do this?’ Catra lifts Adora’s chin by a finger. 
Finally it seems to dawn on Adora exactly what Catra wanted. She swallows, biting her lip. 
There’s a flicker of hesitation, before Adora’s eyes squeeze shut defiantly. The blonde is shaking like a leaf, her breath coming out in panicked stutters from her pursed lips. 
Catra just stares at Adora’s scrunched up face impassively. Her scared reaction was the only confirmation she needed for closure. 
She flicks the other girl’s forehead, and her big blue eyes open in confusion.
‘Chill out, I’m not that evil to do it to someone so unwilling.’
Adora blinks, clutching her forehead. ‘Catra?’
Suddenly Angella’s voice cuts through their conversation from the car park. ‘Adora dear, are you done chatting with your friend? We have reservations!'
‘Um, I…’ Her old school captain opens her mouth to say something, but Angella's started to lose her patience. 'Adora, how long are you going to stand there? Glimmer is already waiting for us at the restaurant!' 
Catra just smiles tiredly. ‘Take care, dummy.’ 
She watches Adora being dragged off unwillingly by her adoptive mother to the car. 
Catra lets out a sigh. Her phone pings with a message from Scorpia, and she knows it's time to go. 
---
By the time Angella releases her from their graduation celebration, Adora can feel that it's already too late.
Adora: 
Please, can we talk? Let me fix this
A pop up appears over the screen. 
Message Not Sent
This person isn't receiving messages at this time. 
Adora sends another message, but they all go undelivered. Catra had blocked her again. Panic spikes through her veins, and she quickly dons on a jacket and grabs her car keys. 
She sneaks out that night, down the familiar winding path through the bush that led to Catra's place. 
'Catra?' She rolls up the garage door, blinking in the darkness. When her eyes adjusted, she found Catra's old home completely emptied. 
All the furniture and items her friend had collected over the years, they were all gone. The little stove where they cooked, the old mattress where they talked late into the night, all vanished like they were never there. 
A single green plastic bag remained on the floor untouched, filled to the brim of food. 
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essaycollection99 · 3 years
Text
why sometimes its ok to creep on your ex 5 years later
why sometimes its ok to creep on your ex 5 years later originally posted on medium.com
21 minutes past midnight. First day of the new year.
I definitely do some of my best writing a little manic. Half asleep. A little high, a little tipsy. It’s always at the edge of something. 
Usually I feel guilty for cyber stalking my exes. Tonight is different though. Tonight I felt relieved. 
He looks good. Healthy. Alive. 
When he dropped out of school and stopped talking to any of us he also scrubbed most of his online presence. For a while some cryptic new song would be released on his bandcamp, and I only learned about it through a burner email address that was signed up for his new releases. One day even that disappeared. 
He was the first guy anything ever felt good with, you know? 
It was a mess. The whole thing. Every minute of being with him was a messy dance of me being scared to ask for what I wanted. Which was him. Or, more clearly, which was him to leave his girlfriend and give us a shot. For me to actually trust him (and myself) enough to say fuck it, it’s worth it, even if it crashes and burns. If it crashed and burned at least that meant it had gotten off the ground.
I thought I was playing it safe by living in the inbetweens and taking whatever I was given. 
I said I was too busy. I became busy with my ex who wasn’t really giving me the time of day. 
I said it didn’t matter to me. That I was edgy. That I wanted open. That I was 21 and he was 19 and we could do whatever we wanted without really talking about what we were doing or what we wanted. It crashed and burned even without us ever defining what we were doing. 
That was five years ago. 
Besides being really hard to search for online, the other reason I never really searched was because I was worried what I would find. When I was (metaphorically) still bruised and bloodied from the aftermath of things, still completely broken and depressed to the fact that his last text of “I’m not going anywhere, so don’t miss me this summer” turned into him not talking to me or our other best friend at all. Oh, and his open relationship was actually closed, his girlfriend was in classes with me that next semester and hated my guts, and I apparently wasn’t as cool about being the other woman that I originally thought I was. I was a senior and supposed to be prepping for a BFA but all I could do was fixate on how miserable I was and didn’t know who I was anymore because of my actions that spring. As all of this was going on, he stopped showing up to classes, and there was a rumor that he was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I still remember calling the list of local hospitals asking about him, and then rushing to my job at the library. I was late. Eyes still red, my ex came in with no books to return or check out, presumably just to kill time by talking with me until his rehearsal started. He asked what was wrong and I told him I was worried for my friend Chris’s life. 
My ex didn’t really know about Chris and I, but I think he knew enough. He knew that Chris and I were close, but he was the one friend that I didn’t talk to him about. That was enough for him to know. 
I think my ex told me that he was really sorry, and that he hoped that Chris would be ok. I couldn’t really respond because I had started to hold back tears. I cried a lot that year on the job; huge thanks to my unlabeled anxiety and everything that comes with fooling around with classmates in a very small art school. With only 7 majors we had just under 900 students in all. Shit got around fast.  My ex wordlessly moved away from the check in / check out library counter and towards the gate. He started to open it and I got up instead. He was always trying to come behind to the staff only side of things. He wrapped me in the biggest most protective hug and amidst everything I felt safe again. 
A lot of times I forget about why so much time in college was spent with him, and then I remember the small moments like this, and remember he wasn’t all douchebag. He knew what to do, and my anxiety always stopped in his arms. 
My good (and albeit overprotective) friend of ours walked by and gave us a look, she had rehearsal with my ex in 15 minuets (like I said, the school was small, we knew everyone’s business). All he said was “Lani’s friend is in the hospital right now.” Which prompted our friend to give me a hug too.  
Googling Chris years later and I was worried that I’d find the worst news online. Sure, our other best friend used to see him in a blue moon working at a vape shop, or maybe it was talking to someone who worked at a vape shop that Chris would go to. Or running into his ex girlfriend at a party (apparently they only broke up finally once Chris turned 21 and could buy for himself).
Sure, I can still remember it all, what he smells like, what it felt like to have his hands on my hip absently during a movie night, can still think of the way he said “wow” when I undressed for him in an empty classroom. But, years later am I allowed to be worried about him? He was an alcoholic at a young age, and I knew stories from before I met him. I knew stories about him from after he stopped talking to us. I was so worried about what would happen. 
Do I even need to say it? Surely you’ve read enough of my work to know how my dad turned out. You just read how Chris ended up with alcohol poisoning. I was worried about the worst. Maybe that’s why I never did a real good job at finding him online, when I would boredly look for his scrubbed online footprint. 
I want to make happy art. I’ve been making abstract art for almost 2 years now. But, I still want to capture those flutterflies you feel when a boy shouts across the parking lot “you’re back!” and runs towards you. When he kisses you in the elevator on the way to your class, but then has to run down two flights of stairs so he gets to his class on time. I want those feelings in art because they don’t come naturally to me. One of the simplest feelings of happy was when I was with Chris. I have most of that time recorded in a small red notebook, and so I re read it. Lay in bed and skimmed, looking for his name. Reading and smiling, remembering I really did try. Sure, it was a mess (see: beginning of this essay) but it was pretty damn sweet as well. I wrote in my journal about a day that he was particularly nihilistic, distinctly hard to read, specifically very very high. It was his mother’s birthday. 
His mother. 
Sure, he might have scrubbed his social media footprint, but it’s really hard to get parents off of facebook. Even more so, it’s hard for them to not post photos of you on it, even if you are a grown ass adult. 
I had never thought to look up his mother. 
It almost felt stupid afterwards, the fact that I had never done that. 
His smile is still the same. 
He’s 25 now. In my head I’m me still, but I’m picturing him as the 19 year old kid taking dab bong hits with our best friend and than coming into the corner of the kitchen to kiss me without anyone noticing. Rail thin from never “remembering” to eat, soft lipped, shy smile, sad eyes, 19 year old (soon to be) college drop out. 
I close my eyes and can still see him, shouting at me from across the street “you’ve got bows in your hair!” The naturally bleach blonde hair and pastel colors he wore, the urgent way he kissed me in the video editing room as I waited for my mentor to show.
His hair isn't blonde now, it’s strawberry blonde, the hint of ginger.
He seems taller now. 
He attended his sister’s wedding. 
He looks good. Alive. Healthy. Sober. 
His face has filled out. I pull up photos of me from when we knew each other, and photos of me now, do I look that much changed as well? It was hard to eat in college for me too, I think I’m a little less thin now. I feel more me. I wonder if he feels the same. My hair is pink now, though when I look at my old hair I now see thick light caramel hair instead of the stringy dirty brown I always felt it was. I know now which parts of my body I want to accentuate and how. 
Oh god, his smile. It’s still the same. It melts me. 
He looks happy. He looks happy on his mothers facebook page- his mother who he was so angry at so long ago. It all feels surreal. I’m back in the library all over again, but this time, instead of being worried, I get good news.  That my ex is right, things will be ok.
I usually feel guilty when I cyber stalk exes. Foolish for wanting to see what they’re up to without me. Silly for caring so much years later, after so much absence. But for Chris, I just felt relief. 
His mother writes “I am so proud of my compassionate son Chris, love you to the moon and back” on a close up photo uploaded two months ago. The 19 year old angry, nihilistic, fuck-the-world-including-my-mother-because-I-refuse-to-call-her-back-even-if-it’s-her-birthday, would have hated that post. I held his hand and listened to him rant that day. Watched him let go of my hand and kick rocks into the Bay, upset at him mom for reasons that didn’t make sense to me. 
“I’m not a good guy.” He would tell me between soft, feather like kisses (trying to get my sensitive skin not to go red between classes, but it’d happen anyways). “I have really bad days. I don’t talk to anyone on Wednesdays. No matter how much I like them.”
I never believed him. Tried to tell him how special he was. How talented. How wonderful he was. How things would work out for him.
I was right. 
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myheadisinvaded · 5 years
Text
On With The Show… chapter 4/a small look inside
Word count- 1,259
Warnings- curse words,mention of drugs,drinking, I don’t know what else to list as always
A/N- feedback is appreciated, thanks for giving me a chance (if you read it) in this you learn a little more, let me know what you think. there will be a playlist for this so far the fist song is Heaven by Julia Michaels, On With The Show by Motley Crue, and Fuck Feelings by Olivia O’Brien. I’ll do links later.
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Blair’s POV
We have been on the road for about three weeks now, show after show after show, it’s amazing seeing them do it. The constant partying, the fame, the fun. I’m here basically as one of their assistants but Nikki and I have also become party buddies. Believe it or not, we haven’t slept together yet, Mick said he’s proud of Nikki. But Mick also seems worried sometimes. He’s become kind of like my best friend and mentor. Actually, probably more like a really cool dad and the best drinking buddy. It’s been great, I��ve been learning more and getting my name out there some. I’m not in a cool, badass band, but I'm trying. I’m not going to piggyback off of my new friends, I want to do it on my own.
Right now, I’m laying in my hotel bed, last night was wild. My alcohol tolerance is so much higher now than it used to be and I’ve been doing some blow with Nikki, it’s not bad at all, we can still function and do our thing. I don’t remember exactly where Nikki ended up, deep down I just hope it’s not with some groupie. Unfortunately my feelings for him have grown. Mick tells me to be careful, eventually he’ll sleep with someone else, that it’s just the way he is. I know that but we have grown very close and I feel like he may have feelings for me too. But Mick is right, it’s something I have to remind myself of everyday. Nikki is just naturally charismatic.
I sigh, getting up out of bed to go shower and change. When I see a bottle of vodka next to my bed I smile, it’s not empty, I finish it up and go get myself ready. Once I’m all done and ready I give my mom a call. Check in, make sure she’s doing good, fake it all, she can never tell when I'm high or drunk now. In such a short amount of time I got really good at it, not that she could care too much about it. Probably not the best thing to be good at. It’s only for now, I'm just having a bit of fun.
I look at myself in the mirror, looking good. Little bit of makeup and I don’t look tired any more. Walking out of my room I see Nikki leaving his, he gives me a little smirk when he sees me “How’s my favorite girl doing?” he asks, putting his arm around me as we walk down the hall, probably to get some food or more drinks before everything starts for tonight. “I’m doing great, thanks for asking” I reply, laughing a little. “Good, good, it seems like it was just yesterday that you couldn’t handle but one drop of alcohol”. I gasp, playfully pushing him away from me. Nikki holds his arms up in defense “What? It’s true, is it not?” I roll my eyes and nod. He grins at me and I feel the butterflies but quickly try to shake the feeling off. Before he says anything to me Tommy comes out of his room “T-Bone!’ He sees me and happily comes over to give me a hug. “It’s almost time to start getting ready for the show dudes!” I check the time on the dainty watch around my hand. “Oh shit, I better get going before Doc fucks me up. See you guys later” I say as I hold up devil horns and run off. I look at my watch again, I’m not running late, I just wanted to get away from there.
There’s a small smile on my face as I look away from the watch, it’s beautiful. Mick gave it to me after finding out that my birthday had already passed. I tried to refuse it but he made me, he always so sweet to me, sometimes it makes a little sad. I’ve learned so much from him, when I'm sober and I start thinking about my conversations with Mick.. with Nikki.. I begin to regret starting what I swore I wouldn't. I push the thoughts away. It’s all I can do for now.
I get to the place where the show is going to be held at. I hear a guitar going, Mick. I stay quiet as I enter and just watch from afar, I’m actually really early so some relaxing time won’t hurt. I sit on the stage behind some equipment and just watch and listen, taking it all in.
Third POV
You know how in the beginning we described Blair? Dream daughter, doesn’t really drink, doesn’t smoke, had never done any drugs… it was true. There was a reason for that. And how she's a sweetheart and people like her? That’s also true, she’s been working on that, it’s on purpose. It’s not fake but she does want people to like her. It all stems from an ache she’s always felt, her mother was always at school or work, never had any siblings or other family around. She took care of herself from a very young age. Her mother never openly blamed her for anything, she would always let her daughter know that her father made a choice and so did she. Being far away from him was for the best, your father was the worst, you’re not missing out. She carried that with her, she has been carrying it for as long as she can remember. She never really talks about it, only the nice parts.
She would watch her mom drink late at night after she was supposed to be in bed, she saw what it did to her. Her mother would try and hide it but Blair knew. She never wanted to suffer more because of failed attempts at trying to make the pain go away. No matter how much her mother tried to be supportive and fake care by sending money and paying for an apartment, it wasn’t real. Not anymore. And that makes the need so much stronger. She disguises, excuses the need by partying along while doing it.
Blair gets lost in her thoughts, she had promised herself to never turn to drinking or drugs to try and fix her issues but here she is… wanting another line. Another drink. She sees Mick watching her, looking down at her watch and wiping a tear away she stands up. There’s still time.
Mick’s POV
I could feel someone’s eyes on me, when I turned around, there she was, sitting behind some racks, staring. But she wasn’t looking at me anymore, her eyes looked… empty. Now as I watch her I can tell she’s deep in thought, different emotions now filling her eyes, about what, I have no idea. No idea what goes on inside that head of hers. We talk all the time, while high, drunk, sober, there’s more to her than what she lets people see. I’ve had those kinds of feelings before, different reasons but I think I have a good idea of what’s going on and it worries me.So here I am again, taking care of another fucking teenager that I care about too much. I see her start to cry and that’s when she comes back, she’s looking at me now, when she looks down I see her wipe them away. She turns around to leave. I should stop her but there’s not much I can do and it may not even be anything bad. She’ll be ok. Everyone has off days.
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levelstory · 5 years
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Music Reflection I, The Cringe is Real
The other day, my mother made a comment to me that there really is no sense that can bring back memories quite like your sense of smell. I agreed with her, but commented that sound and music may be tied for that ranking. Smell certainly brings me back to certain moments of my life, in ways I can't always explain to myself. But music brings back memories in a different kind of way. Songs are attached to specific thoughts and actions, to who I was at the time of listening. 
I thought it could be fun to revisit some of these songs from the past and talk about my feelings toward them, then and now. I imagine this will be a series of blogs so you can always look forward to more...
No Strings Attached by NSYNC
One of the most loaded questions you could ask a nine year old girl in the '90s was: do you prefer the Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? I was a hardcore Backstreet Boys listener. I owned all of their albums (except Millenium which was a damn shame) and listened to them rigorously, practicing for dance recitals next to "Quit Playing Games with My Heart" and making up dance moves to "As Long as You Love Me" and "Get Down." When my brother received the Chapter One album for his birthday, our home videos show my face sink into a pit of jealousy that he got the album instead of me. We even had Backstreet Boy action figures from Burger King which I am sure can be found somewhere in our basement to this very day, as well as a poster that had a button that when pressed would play a clip from "Don't Want You Back." 
I had an intense loyalty toward them, for reasons that are very unclear to me as I never outright disliked NSYNC's music. I heard them enough at the skating rink and at birthday parties. For some reason, all I can remember is disliking their look compared to BSB. Both groups were distinct in this regard, and I very much clung to the group I had spent most of my elementary career listening to on repeat.
One of the cool toys in the late '90s, early 2000s was called HitClips, little cartridges that would play 30 second clips of songs from popular artists like Britney Spears, Hanson, and of course BSB and NSYNC. I remember a girl in my fifth grade class bringing her hit clips in and being nice enough to let me borrow them and bring them home. Of course some of them were NSYNC and I remember replaying "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me" over and over, aching to listen to the full tracks. Shortly after returning them, I imagine I got my mom to take me to Target (which was my go to music store at the time) and used my allowance money to purchase the NSYNC album, No Strings Attached.
There are so many memories I attach to listening to this album. I had just gotten my very first desk for my bedroom and I remember my boom box sitting at the back of the desk where I would pop in CD's and cassette tapes. This was also around the time my room was painted from plain white to a soft pink. One of my best friends at the time also owned this album. Her father owned a camper that sat in their driveway, and we would sit inside with her stereo and listen to music while we pretended to be camping far away from our suburban reality.
"No Strings Attached," the titular song in which the album was named, was not always a favorite of mine. At first it was the well known tracks that held my interest before I gave the rest of the album a chance. Songs like "Space Cowboy," "Digital Get Down," and "That's When I'll Stop Loving You" were tracks I came to love later, along with "No Strings Attached." The song is one that so easily gets stuck in my head (along with "Just Got Paid"). Once I hear it, I can't unhear it for some hours and I find myself humming it throughout the day. More than anything, this track in particular seems to be the most nostalgic. Whereas songs like "Bye Bye Bye" and "This I Promise You" I have returned to regularly throughout my life, "No Strings Attached" is one that I love all the more because it isn't one I necessarily return to all that often, and in that way it feels rare and distant, and therefore nostalgic.
Listening to this track with the modern ear does not do it any favors. Sure it sounds good, if not a bit chaotic like much of this album, but the lyrics lean toward the "nice guy" narrative which I am so over in 2019. I appreciate it from a distant, but can't say it has aged particularly well. NSYNC sing to this supposed lady that they want to have a relationship with her, with no preconceived expectations, or no strings attached, unlike the guy she is currently with who doesn't pay her any attention or return her calls. It all feels very '90s...and if I am being honest, returning to the '90s is one of the main reasons I return to these tracks. While I can't give it too much credit, I won't deny that it is a banger to listen to and enjoy. No Strings Attached remains one of my favorite albums from the ‘90s.
Why Not? by Hilary Duff
As a teen, I never really got on the Hilary Duff / Lizzie McGuire train. For reasons that are way too dense and difficult to unpack here, I really disliked the live action Disney "sitcoms" as a kid. Many of my friends watched and enjoyed them, while I hated them. So when the Lizzie McGuire movie came out to theaters, it was the last thing I wanted to see. Yet I did end up seeing it...at least, I feel like I saw it in theaters. I don't remember who convinced me to see it or why I gave in to my dislike, but I did see it. I also remember being at a friends house and she wanted to watch the DVD while I adamantly didn't and it caused a bit of a rift between us for a few hours. We got over it of course, and to go into all of that would be another tangent so I shall move ahead.
My friend who loved the show bought the movie soundtrack and we listened to it constantly. I remember sleeping over her house and making up dances, jumping on the bed, and running around like crazy kids with a ton of energy tend to do. "Why Not?" was my favorite song from the Lizzie McGuire soundtrack. I remember I loved Hilary Duff's voice, and was convinced that my own voice was almost identical to hers. I have a distinct memory of sitting at my bedroom window and singing her music to myself, carefully measuring my voice and making sure I sang just like she would.
This song was heavily marketed upon the release of the Lizzie McGuire movie. The music video was on TV all the time. In many ways it fit very well with the film's core themes - why not take chances? Why not do the thing you are most afraid of? If you don't take the chance, you may never have the opportunity to do so again. The lyrics are a mixed bag. One line that I never grow tired of is, "you always dress in yellow, when you want to dress in gold, instead of listening to your heart, you do just what you're told." It is certainly not a lyric that contains much depth and I assure you it isn't the message of the lyrics that have always captured me, but rather how they bounce and flow and how effortlessly Duff approaches them. It is a portion of the song that I always enjoy. 
The bridge, like most pop songs, is tragically boring. I enjoy Duff's humming (is that the word for what she does immediately after the bridge? What would you even call that?) but then the lyrics move toward the point where the song writers must have been on a time crunch saying, "You'll never get to heaven, or even to LA, if you don't believe there's a way." This lyric caught me off guard recently because I never really thought about it before but I just find it funny that the song talks about going to heaven, something that contains so much religious meaning and cultural significance, and then immediately puts going to LA on the same scale. Like, you'll never escape eternal damnation if you don't take chances, but you might also not make it to LA where you could become famous...yes, those are equally important. Sure I knew the song was generic, but my god it just drops into the absurd and pitiful by the bridge. 
Despite this, I still really enjoy the song. It isn't perfect but it speaks to a particular time of my life and I enjoy the memories associated with it. 
I'm With You by Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne's album "Let Go" was a big deal when it came out. It has a distinct place in my memory, coming out the year I moved into a new house, went to a new school, and started entering my teenage years. This was a time when burning CD's was still considered legal and so I never actually owned the album. My cousins burned the album on a CD for me, and I made a cover in Microsoft Word compiled of the album name made in Word Art and pixelated images of Lavigne scattered about. At the time, I thought my album cover looked really cool. 
"Let Go" was released around the same time Lizzie McGuire was on the rise, but unlike Hilary Duff and the Disney Channel, Lavigne made us 12 year olds feel like we were listening to adult music. Listening to this album felt hardcore at the time. It was low key grunge music, with themes and ideas far more sanitized than we knew.
I can remember a friend I made at my new school and going to her house where we listened to Avril Lavigne, rocking out to "Sk8ter Boi" and playing air guitar along with "Complicated." But "I'm With You" took on a much darker tone than either of these songs, and used a word that was off limits, "damn." There is a home video we have, which I believed I tried to tape over and remove from existence in case of blackmail, where I filmed myself singing the song and every time Lavigne belts, "It's a damn cold night!", I would fall silent at the "damn" and not say anything at all, for fear of being heard by my parents.
I can't say Lavigne's album has aged all too well. It isn't horrible but it is also nowhere near as good as we believed. Full of angst and "edgy" guitar, it definitely remains a product of its time. What is strange is that Lavigne's album is not one I have felt the need to return to much as I have grown older. The strongest memory with the album is listening to it in the car on my portable CD player on the way to North Carolina in the summer. Apart from that, my memory usually paints in broad strokes and just remembers the album being super popular when I was a sixth grader. All of the girls my age loved it, as did I, and my friends performed "Sk8ter Boi" at a lip sync competition. 
"I'm With You" stands out for its slow pace when compared to all of the other tracks. "Losing Grip" is sharp and industrial sounding, "Complicated" is the soft rock track that fits perfectly on the radio, "Sk8ter Boi" is the song to rock out to, and "My World," my personal favorite as a kid, is a fun guitar jam. But "I'm With You" isn't fun. It really showcases Lavigne's vocal range as well as her vulnerability as a songwriter. It builds up slowly and concludes with a strong crescendo of instrumentation. Okay, that might be overstating things just a tad. But there is something about this song that always gets me and I know that is the nostalgia talking. 
Lucky by Britney Spears
I have something to admit...I never owned a Britney Spears album. How can I call myself a real '90s kid if I didn't own a Britney Spears album? It is embarrassing. There were plenty of her songs I loved, but I guess I got by with her song "Sometimes" being on the compilation record, Now 3, which I listened to quite frequently. 
When "Lucky" was released, I really loved it. It was one of those songs that I loved so desperately that I am surprised I never got around to asking my parents for the album it was on. Luckily, a friend of mine owned said album and brought it over for my 10th birthday party. I imagine we listened to the album a lot that night, but all I can really remember is me dancing to "Lucky" on my screen porch while my friends watched, giggling. In fact, we have video evidence of this and it doesn't embarrass me...well, it embarrasses me a little. The video is somewhat cringy in that I am not a good dancer, but I make up for it with silliness for sure. 
"Lucky" tells the story of a celebrity who isn't happy. It comes off as very Marilynne Monroe; you expect this person to have it all but actually they don't and it makes them very sad. It isn't a very complicated song (though I guess none of the songs I am writing about are complicated). The storytelling is straightforward and easy to grasp. 
It is expected for listeners to wonder if the song is autobiographical and if Britney really was unhappy in her current predicament. Hindsight certainly reveals that this was most likely the case in some regard. Seeing where she is now and where her career has gone doesn't bode well for this song which makes me much more sympathetic toward her as a human being. If this was the case, listening to the track makes you sad. Still, if you can look past the blatant message, it is a track that remains catchy though I don't find I love it as much as an adult. The song just doesn't sound as catchy anymore, and it only makes me feel sad for Spears. 
All for Love by Stevie Brock
This track is easily the most obscure of the bunch. Stevie Brock never acquired the same celebrity as the other artists on this list. However, he did enjoy a few good years of teenie bopper fame and air time on Radio Disney. He was one of the many Aaron Carter wannabes that arrived on the music scene. This isn't to say he didn't have talent. His still immature voice was catchy enough and he was clearly a great performer. But like many child artists, his record was generic and…well, bad. Very bad. 
One huge trend of the '90s and early 2000s was this weird thing where young boys on the verge of becoming teens would sing songs about getting the girl and dating and complex romantic topics that made little sense to a teenager. The result is that the songs are super hetero-normative and a bit creepy. I am sitting in the car, reliving my childhood memories by listening to this song, and I can't help but think, "is it weird that I, a 29 year old woman, am listening to a 13 year old, whose voice still hasn't matured, sing about his 'romantic troubles' with a girl in his class who clearly doesn't want to date him but he wants it so it is okay that he keeps pursuing her?". Yes, it is a little weird. 
What is really weird to me is that I remember this song as if it came out way before it actually did. The album didn't properly release until summer of 2003 and I seem to recall listening the year previous. This could be because when I bought the album I was 12 going on 13 and thus I associate it more with being 12 than a 13 year old middle-schooler. But it would make sense. After all, the whole reason I even heard of Stevie Brock was because when on vacation in 2003 in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, my family ate at the Hard Rock Cafe and on the big screen where they played music videos, Brock's cover of "All for Love" came on the screen. I've always been the type of person who loves music so when I hear a song I enjoy, I have to write it down so that I can listen to it when I would get home. These days we have apps that allow us to listen to songs and tell us what they are called. But back then when music wasn't as readily available and I was a child who didn't really have enough money to buy things at the ready, this act was more of a scavenger hunt than anything else. Would I be able to find this guy's album when I got home? What if it wasn't at Target? What would I do then? 
Fortunately, Brock captured a strong, if not temporary, following and his album was on store shelves. "All for Love" is a fine song, mostly due to it being a cover from another band. As already addressed, the lyrics feel very odd coming from someone so young. He addresses the girl he is singing to as "sugar" which just makes me skin curl. It is creepy that the music industry breeds young boys to sing about these things so early. This was easily my favorite song from the album. My strongest memories of the song, besides first hearing it at the Hard Rock Cafe, are listening to it and the entire album at my friends house. We had a fun tradition of bringing her boombox outside and dancing around the front lawn. I remember her birthday party and us tween girls dancing through the summer air, our bare feet wet from the moist grass. I'm sure the neighbors had fun watching us act like total maniacs. 
Revisiting these songs was fun, but I know there are more I want to talk about in the future! Stay tuned! What are some songs you listened to as a kid that make you feel super nostalgic today? Let me know in the comments!
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taylorverse · 5 years
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My Taylor Swift Story
@taylorswift 
hello taylor! can i just make a big point to say how incredible you are. so i don’t really make these sorts of posts because it just seems unrealistic to be not just noticed by you but by any other swifties. You, Miss Taylor Alison Swift are the actual reason why some people are still living their day to day lives. I have literally grown up listening to your music and there’s always been an element of happiness that it brings me, whether its the vibe of the song or the melody or the lyrics or the sweet and pure way your voice echoes the words. I have had every single album of yours on repeat for all the times i’m hovering over the bath shaving my legs, procrastinating doing revision and literally jamming to old tswift songs in my bedroom. I have spent hours laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling playing all too well whilst i cry my eyes about relating the lyrics to how hard life can be and how difficult it is to keep going. But your music has always been a huge element of my well-being as it just provides a sense of stability; the songs you’ve sung is the poetry of my emotions and the lingering thoughts that I just can’t seem to say. My younger self didn’t even realise what a toll you had on me growing up, I always bought every single calender and all the albums. I remember my dad buying me the signed version of RED and it was just the happiest day of my life. I so clearly remember just holding it in my hands and feelings so happy in that moment. The years where i was beginning to get a bit older and things started to shift, your music was the constant that was always there and never left. I had dance parties where I would be alone in my bedroom singing with the huge poster of you hung above my bed (which once actually fell on my face in the middle of the night and was absolutely terrorfying). My favourite memory was sitting downstairs late at night, when I was like 9 and watching the livestream for RED when you sat in nashville and played acoustic songs on your guitar. I was so happy in that moment, to be able to just feel so connected to a woman who didn’t even know I existed was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Then came my birthday where my dad surprised me with Red tickets I LITERALLY CRIED. The night came and it was my first concert, it was one of the London nights and we sat right at the back. My most vivid memory of that night was the two people behind us who were obnoxiously going on about how they were gonna meet you after and that the show didn’t matter as much. Me and my dad would look at eachother with a jealous smirk and enjoyed the show. To be honest, I can’t actually remember that much but of what I do, I could have sworn you waved at me (even though there were probably about 4894 people in my direction) and the small kid i was held onto that as we trecked our way back on the train at midnight. As this was my first concert and I was so young, it felt so cool to be awake so late and I was in awe of the night I had experienced. 
Being at school, I was always known as the swiftie. I bought the drawstring Red tour bag from the concert because my dad said i couldn’t buy a top as he said “there’s no point in buying it if you’re going to grow out of it”. Anyway i used it as my PE bag and still do to this day. Everyone would tease me and I used to just SHAKE IT OFF and ignore the haterzzzz. My life was completely altered by that night, I wouldn’t stop thinking about it and I remember doing a show and tell in class where I played the videos I took of the concert on the big screen to my whole class as I passed around the rubber wristband I had too bought from that night. Everyone was so amazed by my experience, I was just so happy that I had seen my role model and that my life felt fulfilled at that point. 
I’m now in secondary school, I have never ever stopped playing your music. I even got an app to see how many times I had replayed songs and it turns out i have listened to Speak Now all the way through 800 times (not including the years of listening to it on my iPod). Then when one day I was sitting watching greys anatomy (wink), I got an instagram notification that you had posted a picture. My heart sank as I began to wonder WHAT THE HELL YOU POSTED since you had disapperred from earth. Seeing the what i know now as the snake, I literally jumped out of excitement & an overwhelming burst of confusion built up as I tried to figure out what the hell was happening. More pictures posted and my lil swiftie inside of me came rushing out as I just skipped around the living room. I still remember staying up late to watch LWYMMD music video. It was insane. I lay in my bed with my headphones plugged into my phone and quietly shrieked at the BEAUTY of it. At this point I wasn’t as indulged in the online fandom as I am now, so I started to follow accounts like @marthaswiftie on instagram to be more involved and find out all these crazy theories. The reputation album came out the year right before my life kinda went downhill. I remember the tickets came out for the tour and I didn’t even ask my parents to go because we were going through such a tough time that my own selfish wants were not the priority. 
So beginning 2018, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We soon found out that it was terminal, which just broke our family individually in different ways. Our family is extreamely close and for something like this to happen, it was such a huge surprise that we just didn’t know how to react. My closest memory was sitting Physics class, just staring into space and all of these horrible thoughts were flooding my mind and all of the worst case scenarios just ruined me. Yet my naive self was so unaware of my emotion that I just carried on with my life, instead trying to be overly happy about life. At this point, my dad was is hospital most of the weeks spending time having his radiotherapy and chemotherapy done. I tried so hard to not think about it, that I ended up having so many breakdowns of which I spent crying my eyes out in my room just trying to hold onto hope that seemed so far away. Selfishly, I so wanted to see you on tour just to give me a pick-me-up but i felt so bad about wanting something for myself since I shouldn’t even be thinking of anything but him. Yet instead, I was so broken that I just ignored what was going on around me. This is what I’ve been learning to cope with and i think at points i felt so defeated. The tour month came up, i watched endless clips of people going and felt so hopeless in seeing you. I was in such a rut of trying to feel happier, yet trying to cover up the way I dealt with things by watching every Youtube video under the sun and literally all the shows on netflix to exist. Even writing this now feels so narrow-minded but it was just the way I was going through it. The literal day before the tour, my sister surprised me with tickets and i canNOT TELL YOU the rush of happiness I felt. I sobbed so much, I did not sleep as I lay thinking about what I was going to wear and the fact that i was going to see you in the flesh. 
The day came, and there are truly no words to describe it. I left school early, rushed home and did my makeup and hair. We hopped on the train and made our way up to london. I remember getting into Wembley and as soon as we walked out of the station I saw a huge group of people wearing merch tops and that’s when it started to kick in. We had a few hours, so we walked up and down the streets, me noticing all the outfits from music videos and award shows that people were dressed up in. Then we sat in nando’s, literally starving and as we ate our food just kept repeating to eachother, “we’re gonna see TAYLOR SWIFT” and every time it gave me goosebumps. A little girl came in as we were finishing, she had little cat ears on and a tutu. She had a top that she had DIYed herself that said I LOVE TAYLOR on it. My heart melted as we made our way out of the restaurant and grinned our way up to the stadium. The closer we got, we saw so many people with VIP necklaces and we looked at eachother rolling our eyes because we were jealous haha. I was so shocked by the diversity of people there, literally every type of person was surrounding us obviously in awe of the event that was about to occur. My favourite bit was walking up the huge pathway to the door entries, we came super early so I could get merch and our route was filled with girls screaming at the sight of eachother. My sister was so confused so I filled her in on the details of how so many people meet online through fan acounts and these concerts are where some of them finally meet. The merch queue was huge, but i had saved enough for a hoodie so we made the decision to stand in it. There were a few girls behind us complaining about the outfits people were wearing, we were annoyed because they kept saying “why do they dress up so much she’s not gonna see them” and my blood just boiled as their remarks piled on top of eachother. As we reached the front of the queue, we heard Charlie playing from the stadium because this line ended being 2 HOURS LONG. I didn’t care though, I said to my sister that the whole fun of it is to wait the long hours and dedicate our time to this day as it was a once in a lifetime. I bought the black hoodie with the zipped hood, they didn’t have small so I got Medium which ended being HUGE, but I love it because I snuggle in i every night. Straight after, my sister took a cute pic of me in the hoodie to send to my mum right before we were about to go through security. It was my first time at wembley so I had no idea what I was doing, but I just followed my sister as we got our bags checked and prepared ourself for the view we were about to whitness. My heart began beating so fast, I was in complete shock and my sister gripped my hand as we found our entry doorway. My first thought was, WHAT THE HELL. I had never been in such an overwhelming place. IT WAS HUGE. the amount of people there just left me in a sedated state for a second before we trudged down the stairs to find out seats. We were in block E, on the floor. It was my first time not being super high up, so i felt so privileged as i strut across the metal walkway feeling so happy about where i was. The struggle to find our seats was REAL. We spent ages when they ended up just being right in front of us the whole time. As soon as we scooted through the others, we sat down and just took a second to realise that we were about to whitness TAYLOR SWIFT PERFORM. My adrenaline was going crazy, my sister took tons of pictures and videos to send to my parents and they were so jealous! Then Camila came on, she was incredible. Everyone stood up as my short height meant I was staring at the huge screen, miming to lyrics to consequences and never be the same. She left and the stadium began to flll up and it just got so much louder. Anticipation grew, every single person in that stadium was just so happy. The Ready for It tune started and that’s when it all kicked off. I lifted myself from my seat, screamed to my hearts content as my sister sang along whilst also watching me give a performance in front of her. Every song was just so amazingly performed. Then when the b stage was next, the whole floor just legged it to get closer. I was nervous to lose my sister or the bags so i remember turning behind me as my sister grabbed the bags and said ‘go’. Little old me bent through the crowd, I ducked beneath and tried to get as close as I could. I remember standing on a chair and as I did i realised that i was less than 5 metres away from TAYLOR SWIFT. I sang along to So it goes and turning back every now and then to see where my sister was and I kept saying ‘Emma, I AM SO CLOSE I AM GONNA CRY’. Every now and then I would pull my phone out for videos but I wanted to grasp this moment as I let all my worries wash away and I whitnessed the most insane moment of my life. As the move for the next stage came, I followed the movement of the crowd as the security officers began to strictly tell people to stop standing on chairs. There I was, spinning around every now and then to see the crowd. Dress was the current song and my eyes lit up at the beauty of Miss swift. The concert followed with so much energy, the seats we had were right at the back of the floor but it was amazing to feel the lit up souls of everyone around me. There was just so much energy, so much love. One thing I remember was grooving to a song when the confetti began to float over us. We were so far back that it didn’t quite reach us yet this one piece was slowly floating mid air quite far back. I followed it with my eyes and reached to grab it as another girl took my opertunity. I was slightly annoyed, but the scenery of lights and idea of my idol being in the same room brought me back to happiness. The night ended with me and my sister talking on the phone to my mum, praising the show and just feeling so blessed. The nightmare of getting home began, as we got on the wrong train and then as we finally settled we were so tired that we almost got lost. My sisters boyfriend picked us up and we got home in a blur of sleep.
That night was unforgettable. It was just all my needs in one place, i felt so satisfied and i watched the videos I filmed of it months and months after, remenising on it. Coming back to present, TS7 is on its way. I woke up at 5am to see the ME! music video as soon as it comes out and see all of the hype. This has been the best day in ages. I have bought the song on itunes and streamed it on every device & app. My fingers literally ache from typing this in one sitting, but it was amazing because I just went through that night all over again from writing about it. But my point is. Whoever is reading this, Taylor or even just my grandma; there is happiness out there. I live by Taylor Swift and her music, she will always and forever be my role model, I LOVE YOU @taylorswift
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Happy Birthday, its-just-ellie-always!
Happy belated Birthday to @its-just-ellie-always! We hope you had a wonderful birthday back on the 11th, and celebrated in style. To bring the party back, the wonderful @mega-aulover has written a story just for you!
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For: Its-just-ellie-always - Happy Belated Birthday I hope you had a wonderful one. Special thanks to @Historywriter2007 fir her wonderful beta skills!
Prompt: Rival Motorcycle gang Everlark! In which Tattooed!Peeta and Katniss start off hating each other. The more sexual tension the better. As smutty or fluffy as you wish;)
Rated: M (smutty everlark scenes)
The bar was crowded. Katniss watched as Gale flirted with another buxom bimbo. Tipping her head back against the wall she watched her friends drink beer and laugh at Thom trying to dance to AC/DC. Closing her eyes she began humming Sia’s Chandelier.
Tonight was reminiscent of the Friday nights they used to have before Thread joined the gang a few months back. In the beginning she loved the guys,  they were like her big brothers, and she was under their protection. The bubble burst when Thread began to manipulate Cray. The guys he was bringing in were harder, menacing. There were rumors that Thread and his guys dealt in unsavory dealings  
As her sister got older Katniss wanted to keep her biker life and the life she led with her sister, it wasn’t an easy thing to do, but now that Prim was grown up Katniss didn’t want this lifestyle. She wanted a different life but getting out was near impossible. Her buzzing phone demanded her attention.. Taking it out she bit her bottom lip, when the name popped up she quickly scanned the room, to make she wasn’t being watched. Her legs crossed as she instantly became wet.
They were supposed to be rivals. They hated each other but one night nearly a year ago she got drunk and ended up kissing him. Kisses like she’d never had before, kisses that made her mouth water and her body craved like chocolate.
***
One Year Ago
“Prim,” Katniss shouted across the bar. The pumping music and wild dancing wasn’t her thing, but her sister wanted Katniss to join her for the  start of her senior year of college. Katniss begrudgingly made the trip out of state to help her sister move into the new graduate apartments and somehow she ended up in this pop-techno-nightmare of a club.
Her sister was a tall natural blond, she looked like a runway model, Katniss was a short, dark, and angrier version. Her gray eyes scanned the room.
“Hey,” Prim giggled as she shoved a green looking liquid at her.
“What is this?” Katniss demanded.
“Katniss, just drink it. You need to relax!” Prim stated as she swayed to the music.
The one thing Katniss could never, ever do was say no to her baby sister. It looked like a shot glass of nyquil and it tasted just as vial and it burned all the way down. “Blech,” she muttered right before she coughed.
“Here have another,” Prim urged.
Katniss grimaced, but took the next shot.
“Come dance,” her sister pulled her into the fray. Katniss felt stiff compared to the other people dancing, she was as graceful as an elephant during a stampede in water; while Prim spun and swayed with the rhythm of the music.
All the songs sounded the same to Katniss.the two shots were starting to take effect as the lights blurred and the pulsating music ground on her last nerve. Prim grabbed her hand and dragged her to the bar.
“Isn’t this great!” Prim ordered two more of those green shots, downing them quickly..
“How much have you drunk?”
“Like five of these, one beer, and a pink fruity drink.”
Katniss wasn’t a drinker so she was woozy, “I think I need to eat.”
“Okay, one more for the road.” Prim ordered two more and  shared one with Katniss.
They ended up at a local pizza joint filled with college kids. Katniss had her head against the back of the booth chair. Her senses were askew, like when she was in a fun house. She was humming to herself before she began singing, Sia’s Chandelier, low at first but then louder, until everyone stopped to listen her.
She spotted a blond man sitting across from her in a leather jacket, she began to sing to him. Her voice strong and sure. His blue eyes became wide with surprise. As if in a trance he came over to her. He kneeled on the booth chair, his face nearing hers, until his lips were upon hers his tongue slipping into her mouth tasting her, her arms went around his neck. She was a mess, she was glorious, she was drunk, and this was the first kiss that awakened in her a fire.  
Katniss was unaware everyone was listening, until she stopped singing and the place combusted into spontaneous clapping and whistling. The man pulled away and Katniss was out of breath, she was filled with the urge to keep kissing.    
“Everdeen.”
Katniss cracked opened one eye to see Peeta Mellark from rival biker gang just inches away from her face. Anger infused her actions, she slapped and pushed him off of her. He gave her that trademark dimpled grin. Peeta walked away from her, but her insides were a riot of emotions. The taste of cinnamon was etched in her mouth and she craved it once more.
Two weeks later she was back at home, at a concert with all of the guys in the meadow. The  beer was flowing, there was a sea of bikes assembled. Oktoberfest was always a fun day and they normally dedicated a day to the bikers in town.
Katniss was nursing her customary beer, bobbing her head to the music when the smell of cinnamon surrounded her like a warm sweater on a cool evening.
“Everdeen.” His voice grated on her ears.
“Mellark.”
“Sheesh so cold,” Peeta gave her that smile of his.
“What do you want?” Katniss wanted to sound angry or at least unaffected by him. After their drunken kiss at the pizza joint she had not been able to think of anything else, the way his lips pressed to her, the way her heart accelerated, the goosebumps that peppered her skin, that darned taste of cinnamon. Her eyes inadvertently drifted to his lips. He was worse than the piece of chocolate cake that tormented dieters.
“You know what I want,” he stepped closer to her.
Any normal rational girl would step away, but she didn’t she stood her ground. He and his friends drove bikes for pleasure, they were the geeks of the biking world. They held jobs and rode on the weekends when the weather permitted. Cray couldn’t stand them and therefore they were rivals.
“I wanna talk.”
“About what?” She hoped he didn’t want him to talk about the kiss. She would rather walk over hot coals.
“The kiss.”
“What’s there to talk about, I was drunk.” She shrugged. “I haven’t thought about it.”
“Your thinking about it now.” That grin was back and she couldn’t help but notice.
“I am not,” she weakly said licking her lips
“Stop looking at my mouth then,” he challenged.
He stepped closer, she stepped back, and the dance began until she was pressed up against tree. She recalled the way he'd stared at her when she sang that Sia song, it was as if he was helplessly under her spell. She understood that magic since it was being applied. Her lips parted slightly, her eyes dilated, and she was panting, waiting for Peeta's drugging kisses.
“You look like a Kitten, who wants her cream,” he murmured.
Her eyes flew to his just as he stepped so close she could feel his body heat, his hand cupped the back of her neck, his mouth scant meeters away, she could feel that spicy hot cinnamon breath of his on her lips. His blue eyes bore into her grey ones. She gave him the slightest of nods before he kissed and the world was turned upside down.
***
One Year Later,
One of those kisses led to one night of incredible mind blowing sex, that set off the need for more sex, which included hidden rendezvous where they became a sweaty tangle of limbs. It was so against her nature to crave sex, until Peeta, there had only been two men she’d slept with. Sadly both were horrible experiences, neither one had made her orgasam. Peeta was attuned to her needs, he felt like home, she felt protected with him. Even amongst the boys she hadn't felt safe, only two men made her feel safe her father and Peeta.
By the end of the year they were a couple, Katniss was deeply in love with Peeta and it was scary. They wanted more but couldn’t because the people they trusted would never agree to let them live in peace.
Katniss quickly typed a line from the Chandelier song.
“What’cha doing?”
Schooling her features she watched Gale sit down, his arm a myriad of tats anything that meant something to him, including  his family's names, images the bikes he’s owned. He reached for her phone, but he was buzzed and she easily dodged his hands.
“Come on Catnip, let me see. What are you doing?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.
“Ugh!” She pretended to puke, it had the desired effect to redirect Gale from seeing the phone.
He laughed. “Seriously.” He nodded at her phone.
Katniss couldn’t lie, it was a known fact like two oxygen molecules were needed to make water. “Just checking on a text message.”
“From who?” Gale asked as he looked around, “Everyone you know is here.”
“Not everyone.” It was true her sister wasn’t here, she was safely tucked away in school. Prim thankfully was not part of this world, a world that she and Gale were sucked into as kids to keep themselves out of Jail. Gale protected her from going to deep within the gang.
“How is Prim?”
“She’s got midterms coming up.” Katniss slipped the phone in her back pocket. She leaned forward clasping the tepid beer.
“She’s a good kid.” Gale’s eyes followed the woman he’d been flirting with earlier.
“Gale, don’t do it.”
“Do what?” He looked so innocent, like the young boy once who only wanted to put food on the table.
“When you get drunk you go after anything.” Katniss pointed at the woman with her bottle. “In the morning you’re going to regret it, because you’re going to see what a grenade she is.”  
“Yeah, yeah.” Gale stood up and walked away.
Katniss shook her head. Gale didn’t listen to her, she watched him hit on the woman once more. He was another one who wanted out of Cray’s gang. He was constantly complaining that he didn’t like the direction the gang was going with Thread manipulation. Katniss felt the same way but she kept her mouth shut. She quietly made her way out of the bar, hopped on her vintage Triumph and rode away.
***
An hour later she was mewling and gasping for air as Peeta rode her from behind.
“Come on Kitten, come for me,” he whispered in her ear, his thick length drove in and out of her tight pulsing channel.
She panted.
His fingers played with her clit, as thrusts became forceful from behind, and she snapped screaming his name.  “Peeta.”
“Baby,” Katniss whispered. Her body floating down from the high he sent her.
“I love it when you say that,” Peeta whispered into her ear. He lay on his side removing the strands of hair away from her face.  
Her lopsided smile was soft.
He picked up her arm, “I can’t believe you have the patience to do henna but will not get a tattoo.”
Katniss grinned, she wasn’t tatted. She didn’t like needles so she did henna, and changed the look of her images.
“I’m always surprised by what you put on your body.”
“My favorite is your dandelion,” Katniss traced her finger on his arm. It was the only one he had on his arm. He had a few but he’d gotten that one because she associated him with the dandelion.
“I want to tell the world about us, Katniss, I want to be with you.”
Peeta had separated from his group, even though they only were a social club. He quit frequenting the same haunts. He got a new life for himself because he wanted a life with her and he knew if they were caught Cray wouldn’t take it kindly.  Peeta had gone as far as leaving his job with the bike dealership.
Peeta wanted a life with her despite her fears about marriage and children. He loved her and simply wanted to be with her. His acceptance of who she caused her to want more from her life, than just existing. Prim of course loved him, Katniss’ fears lay with peers.
“Peeta...Gale,” Katniss began.
Peeta sat up he ran his hand through his blonde wavy hair. “Katniss, Gale isn’t going to leave until he’s darned ready.”
Katniss knew Peeta was right, as much as Gale complained  he wasn’t going to leave. She, on the other hand, needed to get out. She sat up dragging the sheet to her chest, this was the one thing they fought over.
“I’m sorry Katniss, I know you’re looking for a way out and you’re scared about what can happen to Gale. But what about us? What about the plans we’ve made.”
“I just need some more time,” Katniss whispered.
“For what Katniss? I’m out and I’m working at the bakery with my dad. He’s going to give it to me in a year.”
Peeta had gone back to his father and mother and asked for a job at the bakery. His mother didn’t want anything to do with him, as a fight between Peeta and his mother was the reason he left. However, since none of his brothers wanted to do anything with the family business he was allowed to come back. He’d worked hard these past few months and was happy to be back in the bakery.
“Look Katniss, I know it’s scary because it’s all you’ve known since you were twelve but you can leave. It’ll be you and me and Prim. We’ll be our own family. We'll live like the Sia song says…’like tomorrow doesn't exist’...”
His word family struck a deep chord within her, but she couldn’t speak about it. She wasn't living she was existing.
“Peeta, I.”
“Katniss I’m not going anywhere, but we can’t continue like this. Eventually they’ll catch on and even though I’m not affiliated with anyone, who knows how Thread will react. He's dangerous...gets inside Cray’s head and manipulates him.” He cupped her face, “I  want you to be free and safe, Thread joining the club made them more militant.”
Katniss didn’t know what to say, he was right, Thread was a bad addition to the club. He was mean and made others follow his dictates. It was only a matter of time before he took control, if she was going to leave now was the time but she didn’t want to leave without Gale. Conflicted she lay back down and curled into a ball, Peeta wrapped his arms around her body as silent tears fell down her face, until she fell asleep.
***
In the morning she found herself alone in bed. Her morning sickness hit and she ran to the bathroom, she threw up over and over until she weakly she leaned up against the wall. Replaying the conversation she had with Peeta the night before.
She was pregnant and she had to get out. Her and Peeta deserved a normal life. She got up  showered and dressed, but not in her customary jeans, t-shirt and leather jacket, instead,he put on a dress that belonged to her mother. A blue frock that was soft and feminine. She combed out her hair, leaving it lose and opposed to her normal braid. Taking her bag she got on her bike and drove back to the bar where she was sure she would find Cray this morning. Saturday morning everyone got together for brunch.
Taking a deep breath she removed her helmet, she was late but it didn’t matter, this was the last brunch she would ever have. The rowdy crowd became quiet when they saw her walk in and headed straight to the table whereCray sat.
She calmly put a picture of the baby on the table.“I want out.”
Cray looked down at the sonogram. His lecherous eyes focused on her midsection. “It ain’t mine.”
“Never said it was,” Katniss shot back.
This caused a chuckle in the inner circle, while the others in the group to paid closer attention to her.
“I'm guessing your baby daddy wants you to leave?”
“He doesn't know about the baby.” Katniss put her hand over her stomach protectively.
Cray lifted an eyebrow, as if waiting for an explanation.
“I am not going to deny I want to be with him, but he's not the sole reason. People come in and out of your life but a child is a lot of responsibility. I’ve raised my sister and I know what it is to be pulled in two different directions. I don’t want that for them.” She glanced Gale who looked shocked. “This baby is the real reason I want out.” Katniss took the key to her Triumph and placed it on the table. Her bike was something that she labored hard on growing up, she’d traded for it at a junkyard. Cray and Thread had offered her money for her bike.“I want you to have it.”
Cray leaned back in his chair he took the keys and swung the keyring around his finger. His brows furrowed deeply. Next to him Thread ogled the keys.
“Let the girl go, she didn’t have what it took to be one of us,” Thread urged.
Cray glanced at Thread.“You and I both know when we leave here, she won’t come with us to California.”
Cray gave Thread a sharp nod before speaking to Katniss, “Have a good life.”
The breath Katniss held in her chest was released in relief.
“Ah sir,” Thom and Gale came up behind Katniss.
“I can’t leave here either, my maw will kill me,” Thom spat.
Everyone in the bar started laughing.
One of the guys shouted, “Thom your mom would shoot me if you left her side!” This caused more laughter and more jokes hurled at Thom.
Katniss didn’t listen she focused in on Gale who stood before her scowling but his eyes were like that of a wounded puppy. She gave Gale a crooked watery smile,” Stay away from grenades.”
“That only happens when I’m drunk.”
“Which is every other night.”  
“Derrrr-funny,” Gale gave her a watery smile back.
“If this ever gets to much for you, you can come back home.” Katniss touched his arm, “Or you can head for Reno, Delly lives there.”
“Who?”
“Delly Cartwright, you called her the perky stalker because she had a huge crush on you?” Katniss took out her phone and showed him the picture, Gales eyes lit up with recognition. “She went to fashion school then moved to Reno and is a costume designer.”  
“Thank’s Catnip, you need a ride home?”  
“Thanks,” Katniss whispered.
***
Later that night Katniss sat wearing a t-shirt with a picture of the baby pinned in the stomach area. She was nervous as she waited for Peeta to return from the bakery. Normally he didn’t work on Sundays but today they were power cleaning the kitchen of the bakery and doing inventory.
The front door opened, she heard his familiar loud shuffle as he made his way from the entryway toward the kitchen.  Standing up she hit play on the song Chandelier. She didn’t know where to put her hands, so she put them behind her back when Peeta came in.
“Katniss, I didn’t think-” Peeta’s words were cut off as his eyes grew large. This was the beginning of their lives, they were going to live like tomorrow didn't exist
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iprincezzinuyoukai · 6 years
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U.A. Students Days Headcanons
Part 2/5 | Part 1
A lot of headcanons...
Shouta has difficulties during the physical admission exam, so he's put in the General Studies. Hizashi had no complications and was one of the first five.
Shouta isn't very social. He came here to be a hero not to have friends, goddammit! Hizashi's first friend is Tensei. Tensei was a little nervous and thought that Hizashi was only his friend because of his family, Hizashi didn't know that he was related to the famous Iida family until he saw his quirk for the first time. Weeks later Sekijirou joins when Hizashi recognizes him at the vet buying food for his St Bernard.
Maybe Shouta isn't good with physical attacks, but he discovers that he's good at parkour when he follows his black kitty all over the city, although that doesn't stop him from asking his sister to teach him some defensive movements, just in case.
When the sports festival starts, Shouta's determined to win the first place; Hizashi just wants to have fun, Tensei wants to make his family feel proud, and Sekijirou just wants to make sure that his friends don't damage what little brain they have left.
In the final matches, Shouta has to fight against Hizashi. He was on the verge of losing since he was confident that Hizashi didn't know how to fight properly, since all he had done with his previous opponents was screaming until their ears bled. That's because Hizashi recognized Shouta as a cool and hard opponent. Anyway, Hizashi ended up losing and Shouta went on to the next round against Tensei, in which he won the sports festival. Hizashi tried to talk to him when the festival ended but he didn't see him anywhere.
Shouta was transferred in the middle of the first semester, and he almost killed Hizashi as the latter didn't stop bothering him to be his friend. Even so Hizashi didn't give up (this boy had a death wish, they whispered) and he challenged Shouta in the Arcade in the claw machine. If he managed to draw a prize, Shouta would accept to be his friend. Shouta accepted knowing that those games were impossible (because he'd already tried and lost). For a conflict of emotions, Hizashi managed to get a stuffed cat (after almost running out of yen).
The surprise of the whole classroom was the next day and to see that Shouta had a lively conversation with Hizashi.
Hizashi teaches him sign language and also some words in other languages. He doesn't know if it's good or bad, but Shouta only remembers the swearwords, and often says it, like very often, especially towards teachers and some classmates. Shouta decides to teach him parkour, which can serve him someday since to trust on the quirks isn't good, according to him.
Having obtained their hero names, whoever dared to make fun of his hero name or Hizashi's, Shouta would break their nose.
The first time they wore their hero costumes, Eraser and Mic ended up entangled with the scarf and hundreds of nicknames.
Shouta was so used to people getting mad when he erased their quirk that when he did the same with Hizashi (when he started to get too loud) Hizashi started telling him how fantastic Shouta's quirk was.
Hizashi's eyes always seemed interesting to Shouta, especially because they look like rings. Hizashi gets excited every time Shouta's eyes change to red when he uses his quirk and sometimes he has an eye drops in case Shouta will forget his.
Hizashi and Shouta have the same route from home to school and walk together in the evenings, and often they meet in the mornings.
Shouta loves having naps, and Hizashi enjoys joining him. However, it's so peaceful to be sleeping on the roof of the U.A. that often they forget to set an alarm.
Nemuri ends up becoming part of the group after the 1st year fight against the 2nd year in their exam. Besides, her quirk is useful to Shouta when he has insomnia and is the first to suspect that Shouta has a crush on Hizashi when she flirts with the blonde to irk him, but to be frank, she just know how to charm people.
Hizashi has several playlists for different occasions, and even creates a playlist with names of his friends with songs that remind him of each of them.
As optimistic as Hizashi is, and although he rarely seems upset or frustrated – Shouta knows when Hizashi fakes his smiles. The same for Hizashi, who notices when Shouta is more grumpy than usual.
Both realize their crush on the other during their vacation, despite sending messages every day, their minds rambling to think about each other.
Tensei almost went bald for all the mutual pining he witnessed. He even gave several hints to both, he even made several excuses not to go to the Arcade for a whole week – That and that Tenya had just born and he didn't want to leave helpless his beautiful mother. Sekijirou and Nemuri made bets about who would confess first. Tensei scolded them, though inside he was divided into who would confess first and why.
Once Sekijirou bought a motorcycle... Hizashi and Shouta ended up destroying it.
On the other's birthday, Shouta has no idea what album to give to Hizashi (since he loves all kinds of music), so instead he gives him a polaroid camera. While Hizashi gives him a sleeping bag, so Shouta will have a more comfortable place to rest. Hizashi has many photos of Shouta sleeping because only then his face doesn't have that expression of 'I'm going to kill you'.
Shouta invited only Hizashi to his sister's wedding. And for the honeymoon Shouta went to live with Hizashi's family. “No.” “But you're going to be alone for a whole week!” “I don't care.” “My mom have a veterinary – and she's gotten kittens!” “... Okay, I'm going.” The moment that Hizashi sees Shouta smile (and I'm not talking about those smiles he does today) his heart skipped a beat.
Hizashi had several dates, but none lasted more than a week. Shouta was also confessed several times, all of them being rejected instantly, though he did agree to go out with a general studies classmate.
During the holidays and when his sister couldn't be at home, Hizashi invited Shouta to his house. Hizashi's mothers treat him like another son and were used to finding him sleeping everywhere.
During their second year they both confessed at the same time. Tensei fainted because he'll finally be able to sleep peacefully and won't have to keep thinking about more matchmaker strategies. Nemuri doesn't accept having lost so she proposes another bet with Sekijirou about their future wedding.
Because their friends are too meddling, Hizashi and Shouta can't act at all romantically, although secret messages are sent during classes and Hizashi likes to flirt with him using sign language.
During the hero licensing test, Shouta meets Emi (Ms. Joke), who studied at Ketsubutsu – He has no idea why, but Emi names him her best friend – And to Shino, Yawara, Ryuuko, and Tomoko (Wild Wild Pussycats), who were Class B of the same year.
A few months later his sister announces that she's pregnant. Tensei gives Shouta advice on how he should deal with a newborn baby - even lending him a book, as well as looking for the opportunity to show off what a good brother he is and how beautiful Baby Tenya is.
Hitoshi is Shouta's nephew. (Yes! Insert freedie mercury pose)
Hizashi takes several photos of Shouta carrying Hitoshi. Shouta decides not to comment on anything more than his nephew seems to have inherited more from the mother's side.
Before Nemuri graduated, Hizashi and she organized an outdoor camping trip with all their friends. Nemuri's intention was to have a party where there were no police or neighbors complaining, but they all ended up around a campfire making fun of everyone in general and planning what they would do as soon as they stopped being students.
“You cannot sit with the cool kids.” “Don't listen to her, take a seat next to me.” “Do you realize that we are nine persons in a six-person table?” “I got this.” Cue to Sekijirou putting Hizashi on Shouta's lap.
The first time they tried to kiss... They couldn't because it felt very clumsy and awkward, especially when they noticed their friends watching them.
“That's why love hotel exists!” “Dang it! leave them alone!” “My children have grown so much~” Then someone starts to hum the wedding march and the next thing is to Hizashi hyperventilating and Shouta wanting to die right there and at the same time thinking about how to kill their friends and hide the evidence.
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therealflyingoctopi · 5 years
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Transition Into 2019
It’s really late and I just want to say I at least started writing this on January 1st. 5 minutes away from the 2nd but I started on the first day of the new year. It’s really not important but there it is. I never fully know what to say when this time rolls around in fear of saying the exact same thing as the last year. And the year before that, and before that, and so on. I don’t know what to say that’s new, though. I’ll try to throw something together. 2018 was most definitely the most important year I’ve had. From start to finish, something always seemed to be happening. And even if it wasn’t, there was always something to look forward to, and that made the dull times more bearable. I entered 2018 having just made a handful of actual friends, real relationships, about 6 months earlier. My life was already so different than it had ever been. 2 and a half months in, I made another, rather large, handful of friends. Something I thought I wouldn’t be able to achieve for another few years. I went to Europe with these 20+ people over spring break and that trip changed my life. People say something changed their life a lot, but I’m telling you, this was massive. Seismic. So I made the best memories one can make while stuck in a group of new and lovely people overseas for 2 weeks. When I came home I felt recharged, energized. (Well aside from being very dead and tired from the trip, I felt like my life had a newer meaning.) After the Europe trip things were kind of slow again. But I had something to look forward to because the month after I got to go to Kelowna and see some of these people again and hang out with them for a weekend (which was also my birthday weekend, so I spent my 18th with some of my favourite people). I got to see most of these people again in June for my graduation, but before that, I was invited to another graduation. Well more of a prom, but I guess it counts. A childhood friend of mine invited me to be her prom escort so I did that. The past couple years I’ve been jumping at opportunities like this more where an old friend of mine that I haven’t seen or talked to in years either reaches out to me or I get to see them at some event. Rebuilding old relationships is something important, I find. Even if it’s extremely slow and probably will take years to grow close again, it shows you still care. And I do. Time, distance, and life just get in the way of those things all too often. So I went to my friend’s prom, made it through dancing with my very minimal knowledge, and overall had a blast. Fast forward to the following month, I was reunited with my Europe trip family (most of them anyway), along with a few other old friends from my online school, and had one of the best days of my life, dressing up fancy, being in the company of such special people, and having the best (and first) barn party I’ve ever had (with only the Europe trip friends). Staying up until 5 am and waking up 2 hours later was so so so worth it. Fast forward again to the end of June and beginning of July, I finally got to go back to my Bible camp. My first true home away from home. I heard someone say last month that home to a person can be where they first met God. Camp is where I first met God for real (in the summer of 2017), or renewed my relationship with Him after it fizzed out. So in that sense (and others), camp has become my home. Anyhow, I got to go back there. Finally, after 6 months of waiting, I was back. I was back on the leader team, I got to spend a week with some of my new friends from the year before and grow those even more, and I made a few new ones too. My life is just booming with real relationships now. After that staff training week I went home and continued to work on schoolwork (because I hadn’t officially graduated yet... and still haven’t... we’ll get to that). Unfortunately I was only able to lead at camp for one week this summer, but it was by far the best week yet. It was tough and may have seemed like a complete failure, with all the hyper kids not listening and whatnot, but we had some real deep and powerful times together as a cabin. I even knew two of my campers from the year before (who were in the same cabin, on the same week, with my same co-leader). Since then I’ve kept the connections with a few of those kids and they’re becoming amazing young men. It’s so cool to watch. After the summer’s end party (where the first group chat I’ve been in since grade 11 that hasn’t died within 3 months was created with 2 other friends and the Bee Movie of all things), I went home for a couple weeks. I worked on some school, did the normal everyday routine, but I also frantically tried to buy supplies and pack and prepare, because I was going on a new adventure. Camp had invited me after my first summer in 2017 to join their internship program when I had graduated (or was at least old enough and close enough to graduating I guess). After initially saying no to myself and thinking nothing but fear about it, I went with it and on September 11 I moved to my new home with my new family. (And oh what a family. I would go on and on about how much I love them and how close we’ve grown in only almost 4 short months but that would take up your entire day. I love them and they’re some of the most special relationships in my life.) Nothing I’ve ever done has lived up to this decision. Oh, so many things are close, but this is a life changing thing. It’s taken my life, my plans, my dreams, and thrown a bowling ball at it. All while God sits up watching me saying “just you wait” with the biggest grin on His face. Not 3 months ago I had a plan for the next chapter of my life. Or at least a rough idea. I was going to go to college this next school year (2019-2020) and get my music career going. While things in my life have shifted, that’s still not been pushed out. It’s simply waiting its turn. At this point I still do think that will be a vital part of my life and probably my career. But right now I’m living at camp, doing amazing things working with youth groups and the camp itself. Camp is where I feel I’m supposed to be right now and so I’m 99% sure I’m going back again next year. Once the internship is done, if I stay, I’ll be a full time missionary there. A year-round staff that has more roles and responsibilities. That’s where my life is headed right now. I don’t know what all it will entail but I’m so incredibly ecstatic. My life is moving forward faster than it ever has and I couldn’t be more excited. I am still held back by school (I know, it’s January and I haven’t finished my crap from June) but it is close, and I think I’ll be done and back on my feet and full time at camp by next month sometime. This is what you get when you spend too much time having fun with other things. Procrastination kills your dreams. Stay in school, kids. 2019 is going to be an insane year. I turn 19 in a few months and will then be old enough to vote (which is valid because we might get a new Prime Minister this year) even though I know absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, about politics. As I said before, I’m probably going to stay another year (at least, we’ll see as we go) at camp. That’s big. I’ve been working on music more in 2018, even put out a few simple instrumental pieces, and I plan to learn and do more. Hopefully I’ll learn how to play a few of my songs and get them out there. Relationships. Those are going to grow more beautiful every day and that’s probably what I’m most excited for this year. It still blows my mind every day that I have these amazing connections that I always thought would take me until my 20′s to make. I think about them all every day and often get emotional because all the love I feel is overwhelming. I don’t know how to wrap this up nice and pretty. Maybe I don’t have to. This one is mostly for my collection. For those of you that care and read my little blurbs, I’m glad I can share with you and I hope you got something out of this. But this one’s mostly for my “online journal” that’s kind of embedded into this blog and woven throughout all the other posts I’ve made. It’s a record of my life through thoughts, feelings, and events that I like to keep. All this mess being said, I hope your 2018 was something you’re proud of and was filled with unforgettable joyous moments. I hope that your 2019 will be all that multiplied by... a really big number. With a few new twists thrown in there too. Merry late Christmas, happy late New Year. Goodbye 2018, you were a gem and a half. Welcome 2019, let’s make you two full gems.
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violetsforkino · 6 years
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x kwave magazine ☾ april '18 ( translated by tentagonly )
the title of this issue is 'spread'. what do you think pentagon is 'spreading' now? kino: from a practical point of view, i think we are spreading pentagon's name. (laughs) as pentagon, we haven't had a lot of opportunities to stand in front of many people, so i think not many of you know our group. but we are working hard and working in various fields, so i think we can spread pentagon in the future. yuto: my friends and people around me know about our group since pentagon is very active in japan. i think we are sreading korean wave through our japan activites. hongseok: our team doesn't do well on sns. sometimes we would share videos on our channel but there aren't a lot of comments posted. but these days, our main vocal, hui comes across with comments like 'you sing very well'. i am happy that we are spreading good vocals.
it's been a year since debut. how do you feel? yeoone: surely, everything has changed in our lives since our debut. we already have five albums (t/n: i think this interview was before they released positive) after our debut, so i want to have more opportunities to meet fans in the future, and i want to let poeple know about us. also, i feel like we have a sense of responsibility to show good songs and performances, so the weight of performing on stage we felt for a year and the weight of the love of our fans got heavier, but we are more confident! "the more you look at this team, the more attractive they are. what are their limitations? how far can they show?" i feel confident that we will be a team with such expectations. e'dawn: i think promoting as triple h and hui is very meaningful. we worked with hyuna sunbaenim, and it was a great honor and a meaningful time to work with her because she is someone i respect so much. also, i think triple h promotions helped us a lot on our future activities. i feel like i became closer after working with hyuna sunbaenim and i gained a lot of support from her. yanan: i think i've grown up a lot. when i first came here to korean, personally, i think i've changed a lot.
you have shown various things, including composing, featuring, acting, choreography, and overseas activities, and the results are great. is there any new field/area you would like to challenge? hui: i think pentagon has actually covered a wide variety of areas including performing on stage, acting, composing, musical, etc. this time, i would like to show more about how we live, our behavior and how we eat. so this year, i really hope we can film a reality show. shinwon: i want to do a lot of concerts. whenever i get a chance, i really want to do it. we have so many things to show as individuals, as a unit, as a team that it would be nice if we have more opportunities to release and perform them. wooseok: our last album was great, but i'm looking forward to the next song. i want to show more of our cool side than the previous ones. hongseok: since japan opens market for lots of k-pop groups, we had the opportunity to release an album in japan and did activities. i meet many japanese fans and they really liked our member yuto (laughs). in the future, we would like to meet a lot of chinese fans and do many actibities in china to make yanan proud and happy.
what do you think is the unique charm of pentagon? hongseok: 10 members, 10 colors! we are 10 in a group, but we don't all look alike, we all have different personalities, different voices, different heights. we all are different! i find it even more amazing because we are a group of 10 people and we are still in harmony. this friend has a charm, this friend has a charm... no one to skip (laughs) jinho: for me... LOVE. we love each other very much, and we think about our fans a lot.
what are the pros and cons of having 10 members in a group? hui: i've felt one thing lately! there are so many birthdays! (laughs) i can't even take care of my own birthday. but we like surprises and pranks, so we love the birthdya party itself. shinwon: i think the advantage is that we have too many ideas to show. whether we are on or off the stage, we are really a diverse group. also, i think the existence of each member is important. yanan: i think the advantage of having 10 members is that i'm not scared to go out at night. i feel safe and secured (laughs). yuto: the cons is other members have indiivudal schedules such as drama, musical, etc, so it's hard to gather these days. it's sad that i want to see them, but i can't meet them. jinho: because they are a lot of members, it costs a lot of money. but also, it's easy to borrow money (laughs).
which word/s can describe each member? yeoone > shinwon: if i can describe shinwon in one word, i think it's 'unexpected (charm?)'. whenever i see shinwon, he looks so handsome, and at first, everyone would think that you'll love to hangout with him. but actually, he likes staying at home! he also has a delicate heart. moreover, he looks tall and mature, but i disagree. (laughs) his taste in food is similar to a child and he really likes playing games. shinwon > e'dawn: e'dawn is like a 'universe'. universe is wide and big. we know what is in there, but we don't know what is going to happen or what to expect. e'dawn > hui: 'pillar'. he is very confident. he is one of the most dependable member and also very supportive of our team. he is a strong pillar that will never break! hui > yanan: yanan is like a white drawing paper. he has a pure heart and is very delicate. he is the most 'eye-catching' member, and his appearance is like a young man that he reminds me of a white drawing paper. yanan > hongseok: healthy! hongseok is good at taking care of himself and looks very healthy. his physical is really good! hongseok > kino: 'passion'. kino focuses on the field he wants, he has a goal and still manages to do wahtever he wants to do in spite of his physical injury or difficulty. in this regard, i believe this is something we follow. kino > jinho: 'as expected!' i always say 'as expected, he is jinho.' in our group, i write songs, direct and make choreography, and from time to time i tell the members, 'only jinho hyung can do this,' and 'this part fits jinho hyung.' he always manages everything more than i expected. jinho > wooseok: wooseok is like a 'dog'. he always likes to play. he is the youngest and he is always bright, friendly and cute. wooseok > yuto: 'black hole' (laughs) firs tof all, yuto likes black so much, but he's not as dangerous as he looks. yuto > yeoone: 'strong' he was filming a drama during the time we are promoting. after his shooting ends at dawn, he will go to our practice room to practice. i'm thankful seeing him who works so hard. he is a strong hyung who always tells us it's okay.
any hopes, goals, or expectations? kino: i like it if we can show a new side of us, but i think the greatest advantage of pentagon is the stage. i wish we will have more opportunities to show different colors of pentagon in terms of singing, dancing, and performances. yeoone: to win at the music broadcast and to hold a concert with a larger audience are some of our little wishes. my personal wish is to dance until jinho hyung will already have a hard time dancing. i want to promote for a long time, until jinho hyung becomes 47 y/o and i am 43 y/o. i think 10 of us would be so happy. hongseok: i hope many people will know about our close relationship. there are many people who like our music, but many of them like our relationship too. i think the relationship between our close and affectionate members are an important factor in making our team last longer. yanan: my biggest goal is to work hard and to continue to make better results. i personally put a lot of effort for our team.
as an artist, what kind of charm does pentagon hope to 'spread' in the future? hui: in the future, pentagon will always do our best to show a great, profressional look on stage. we would like to be a friendly and happy group who can be approached easily. jinho: this year, i hope pentagon will grow more and let many people know more about our songs and let many people listen to tour songs. wooseok: i hope our group can surpass live stages. also, i hope many people would remember the signature pose of our group and spread it so they can follow. e'dawn: i hope a lot of people would know that we are a talented group. we will work harder for it.
lastly, say something to your fans hui: we made our debut on october 10, 2016, and it has been a year and three months. i'm really thankful to the fans who always supported us since we introduced ourselves through a show before our debut. i want to work and stay with you for a long time.
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jinjikook · 7 years
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she’s so nice (M)
word count: 2.7k
genre: mild smut + angst ; asshole!hyungwon
pairing: reader/hyungwon (side reader/namjoon for a hot second)
summary: hyungwon’s in a local band and he gets all the girls, including yourself. the thing is, you know he’s shit but you’re just too nice to stop fooling around with him.
warning(s)/kink(s): oral sex, dirty talk, mild degradation, semi-abusive relationship, no strings attached relationship, basically hyungwon is an ass and he’s not afraid to show it don’t say i didn’t warn you
a/n: this is my entry/participation for mxwriter’s songfic project. the song i semi-quoted and used for inspiration is Pink Guy’s She’s So Nice. let me warn you, it is a very explicit song and i don’t agree with everything he says in it but i like it as a parody/joke song but it truly is really filthy-dirty-terrible and i no way condone the treatment he’s expressing in it but this is all fiction and i mean no harm in listening to it and writing this fic. i’ve sufficiently warned you so don’t come to me bitching about how this triggered you. thank you.
music: pink guy - she’s so nice
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Being nice has its faults.
For starters, it’s how you got where you were right now:
On your knees sucking off the lead bassist and backup singer of the local hit band of your miniscule town.
They were well known in the area, halfway due to the fact that your grand little town’s population is a whopping number of 1,212, allowed just about everyone to see one of their performances at least once in their boring ass lives. It was one of the few highlights in this barren wasteland, you unfortunately had to say.
No one ever really stays here, it’s boring and most kids grow out of its minimal charms well past the time they hit puberty. So it’s no surprise that you only find entertainment in a few things; one of which was music so you always attended every show the group, No Mercy, performed. You were a known “groupie” of the band, along with the lead rapper’s girlfriend and the lead singer’s little brother.
The other?
Well, it was exactly what you were doing.
No better way to kill time than to fool around, right?
Hyungwon tugged at your hair, making you pull off him completely. He forced you to look up at him, lips slick and shiny in the low lights from being backstage. He smirked, loving how debauched you looked and he made quick remedy of his lapse in action by reattaching your mouth to his length. As your lips slid lower he groaned, letting his head roll back and fingers card into your hair deeper, keeping you at his base for a couple of seconds. While it burned your lungs due to the lack of airflow getting to you, it was Hyungwon’s favorite so you braced yourself to put up with it.
“Fuck, such a good girl for me, aren’t you?” Hyungwon drawled, easily aroused from just the sight of you on your knees, let alone with his entire dick inside your velvet-hot mouth. “Mmm, never met such a nice girl before…”
You see, Hyungwon wasn’t from this town originally.
He’d grown up in the big city, somewhere far away where movie stars and Broadway singers were born; nothing like the sad sack that was your own hometown. He came here his freshman year of high school because of his parents, something about his father getting the unfortunate transfer to this town. So he made due with what cards he was dealt, having been born with the blessing of a pretty face and a sharp enough tongue to keep himself afloat among the bullies and predators alike.
Luckily for his (current) bandmates, he had a knack for music so he was quickly welcomed by the young and hormonal teens that were the origins of No Mercy. Gunhee had thought Hyungwon was only a pretty face but Kihyun was sure they could make use of him, even if that was all he could bring to the table. Turns out they lucked out when Hyungwon got his hands on his uncle’s old bass and revealed what his nimble hands, elephant memory and innate ability to catch on quickly could manage.
He was secured a spot in the “exclusive” band that was guaranteed to get him some serious pussy. Their words, not yours.
They weren’t wrong though.
Being in the band, like you said, was a highlight. It meant you were special; different. Girls wanted that small sense of importance of going out or fucking a celebrity, albeit a local one. Anything to get a spark of adventure from an otherwise drab lifestyle.
These guys were the ones dads warned their daughters about, the ones that other guys fantasized being. In this town, they were the guys that trashed hotel rooms and had their faces on the news more times than you could count.
In this town, that counted for something.
“So fuckin’ nice, let me use you all I want,” Hyungwon continued, hips pumping forward in their own rhythm, slightly erratic and off-tempo which wasn’t usual for the otherwise musical male. He was probably close and you thought about pulling off and finishing him with your hand. But he had a thing for facials and you knew that’d be too damning since there was no way you’d get it all off before needed to head to a restroom to properly clean it off.
So you just sucked hard, brought your other hand up to rub his balls until you felt them tighten up and his fingers followed suit, keeping an iron grip in your hair as he emptied himself into your throat. It was slick and you nearly choked on it but you breathed through your nose and waited for the burn to die down before swallowing. Hyungwon groaned once more, a little too loud for your tastes, before finally letting go of you and you nearly fell back on your haunches from the recoil as his grip loosened.
He barely gave you enough time to swallow and wipe the excess spit and come around your mouth with the back of your hand by the time he was already zipped back up in his pants.
“Sweetheart, you’re the best stress reliever, you know that? Gotta head on stage now though, don’t wait up.” He was already up and out the door and you meekly waved goodbye, a gesture he’d probably never return.
You were just too nice to do anything or say anything about it. So that’s how it worked between you two. He’d want you to suck his dick or a quick fuck in the closest janitor’s closet you could find before a gig. And you’d let him. Every damn time.
○ ◐ ●
“Wasn’t that just incredible?” Eunwoo began, her eyes lit up like Christmas lights that were strung up too soon in the excitement of the now-tainted holiday. “It has to be one of their best shows! I can’t believe Kihyun and Wonho kissed onstage! We knew they had to be dating, they can’t deny it now!” Not like they were hiding it in the first place, they were practically giving people mono just from staring at their blatant PDA.
You nodded and let Eunwoo have her fun, knowing she was one of those girls that glamorized everything No Mercy did, whether it was good or bad or illegal or just downright wrong. She still can’t believe you’ve had Hyungwon inside you on multiple occasions, though she always seems to phrase it as if you two were some thing. As if it was more than just quick fucks on Monday mornings or him needing to taste you after fucking some brainless chick at an after party.
She had been so sure that Hyungwon looked at you during one of their more sensual songs, the slow lick of his bass making tingles rise up your spine as you watched what his deft fingers were capable of; more than just playing a bass, that’s for sure. But Hyungwon was definitely not looking at you, his eyes were on the girl who just turned 18 and was celebrating her birthday at this club, barely there tits popping out of her three-sizes-too-tight dress and making Hyungwon feel like he was a freshman all over again.
You knew you’d never get anything real out of Hyungwon, not like it’s something to be desired anyways. He’s a nobody when you get down to it, a one-hit-wonder in the industry of music. He’d probably never get out of this wormhole now, while you at least had a semblance of a chance to escape. He’d stay here and age terribly and watch as some new youngsters come in and steal his legacy and probably his bass too because no doubt they’ll be little criminals like themselves.
That’s the only way you can get through all this torture, you just had to convince yourself that you’ll get out eventually and he’ll just be a stamp in your passport; long forgotten and worn down by the time you actually do remember to look back at it.
Sighing, you let her believe whatever the fuck she wants as you downed the rest of your lukewarm beer, ignoring the disgusting taste that resembles the bitterness of your own apathy and the dewy condensation that clung to your fingertips.
○ ◐ ●
You were backstage, as usual, and the two main singers were already up to bat with their excessive displays of affection.
“Ki, could you at least wait until the rest of us leave before you shove your tongue down Hoseok’s throat?” You groaned as you literally watched their mouths break with a line of saliva between their lips, something straight out of a B-list porno or some shitty yaoi anime.
“Y/N, you need to get some dick man. Hyungwon might be available after he finishes giving that birthday girl her gift,” Kihyun joked, trying to give you a sly smile but getting intercepted by a sharp jab of Hoseok’s elbow against his ribcage.
“Don’t listen to him. I heard the bartender here is actually a pretty cool guy, if you wanna go see him?” Hoseok sweetly pieced his words together carefully, knowing he was already treading on a sensitive topic that his boyfriend so barbarically threw himself into. Hoseok hated what you got up to with Hyungwon, because he knew it was pointless; a hollow relationship at best.
Give it to Hoseok to always look out for you, like an older brother you never asked for but are happy to have been graced with anyways. You thanked him and allowed them to get back to their dirty antics while you scouted out this so-called cool bartender.
Seeing him still stationed at the bar, you perched upon the stool furthest from the stage, where a little light made you less washed out and the sounds of Kihyun and Hoseok making out were less audible.
Up strolled the bartender, right on cue, with a soft smile and warm brown eyes. When he grinned, little dimples toyed on his cheeks and you fought the urge to dip your digits into them just to see if they were as deep as they looked.
“Hey there gorgeous, what’re you craving?” His name tag read ‘Namjoon’ and you met his smile with your own, the feeling of the edges of your mouth tipping up feeling foreign and unfamiliar to you. It’d been so long since you’d smiled so grand, so genuinely.
This was what nice felt like.
“Well, I’m feeling particularly thirsty, so… maybe you?” You giggled—you never giggle, what was happening?—and Namjoon mirrored it with his own small laugh, something that was a lot higher-pitched and cuter than you would’ve pegged for such a strapping man like himself. It was fitting though, how warm his laugh sprouted from him, like he laughs every day, like clockwork; the sun coming up and descending with his chuckles. You wished you could be that happy.
“That was smooth, I’ll give you that. A round on me?” Namjoon offered, already holding up the bottle of brown liquor that you’re sure is either cinnamon or vanilla laced, the smell already so strong from where he held the bottle upright. You nodded and let the amber liquid fill the small glass he had in his other hand, momentarily letting your fingers graze his own when he handed it over.
“I’m not actually supposed to drink on the job, but I wouldn’t want a pretty lady like yourself to be drinking all by herself so,” He poured himself a glass and raised it to signal a toast, the sound of your glasses clinking resounding in your ears. It felt like New Year’s Eve, the impending countdown making you itch to reach over and kiss the closest person next to you. Which happened to be Namjoon, what a coincidence.
A few more drinks in, and you two were bantering like nothing. It turns out Namjoon is not only a great conversationalist, but he also an aspiring musician himself. He likes to listen in on the local talent, thinking about becoming a producer and maybe making songs for them to perform. It was a great dream to pursue, certainly more tasteful than Hyungwon’s own ‘I want to fuck a girl in every venue I ever perform in’ fantasy.
You looked down at your phone and realized that you’d been talking for nearly an hour, the time whirring past so fast because of how easy conversation between the two of you came. You were ready to ask Namjoon the golden question, the whole reason why you approached him in the first place. You leaned forward, letting your biggest puppy dog eyes come into play and you made sure to use your signature move of gently stroking Namjoon’s arm as you spoke.
“So, I was thinking if maybe you and I could—”
“Really Y/N? Already trying to find someone else all because I was busy?” Hyungwon came up from behind you, reaching for the remainder of your drink and downing the rest of it. He slammed the glass down harshly, making you worry that the glass might’ve cracked from the force. You flinched at the sound, Namjoon’s expression molding to one of confusion as his eyes skipped back and forth between Hyungwon and yourself.
“Listen, now you could stick with this chump and he might reward you with whatever shitty tips he made tonight or you could score with a real rock star and actually get to come tonight.” He pursed his lips and tapped his talented but most likely dirty fingers on the countertop of the bar. With one eyebrow cocked, he eyed you up and down before realizing you weren’t making a move to leave with him.
Fuck Hyungwon, you were having a perfectly nice time here with Namjoon. He knew how to respect you and treat you right and make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and—
“I see how it is. Well, in that case,” Hyungwon was clearly unhappy, and it’s because he’s grown up as a spoiled brat. He always got what he wanted, including you. Partly because you were too damn nice to say no and partly because Hyungwon, as much as it pained you to admit, was a pretty good lay. He turned to Namjoon and gave him a sneer. “When you go down on her, tell me how my motherfucking dick tastes.” He chuckled and left without another word, leaving Namjoon gaping from his statement and you flushed out of embarrassment and maybe slight arousal.
It was because your body was nice too, that’s all.
“Man, am I sorry you have to deal with that prick. Just like the rest of them, gets discovered on a minor scale and they still get the biggest heads.” Namjoon reached for your hand and stroked the top with his thumb as he spoke in soft syllables. “Listen, I’d love to take you out sometime. I have to finish my shift and I’m working late tonight but,” He handed you a napkin with his number scrawled on it, just barely legible. “Call me sometime, okay? Don’t let guys like that,” He points his chin in Hyungwon’s direction as he’s seen chasing another skirt. “Get to you.”
You nodded and politely smiled before excusing yourself, heading to the back of the stage where you’d no doubt meet with any of the members that still remained before heading to whatever after party they’ve delegated they’ll appear at.
You’re met with an empty area, the boys already cleared out and having long forgotten you. It had been an hour and you were clearly getting along well with Namjoon, they probably assumed you’d be going home with him or he’d at least give you a ride to your own apartment. The only reason one member remained was because he was too busy fucking some girl in the less-than-hygienic bathroom here at the club.
“Well, well, well. It looks like someone struck out,” Hyungwon drawled from behind you, already snaking his arm around your waist. You tensed for a moment, feeling like prey trapped in the corner as the predator watches hungrily at their dinner helpless and at their disposal. “Guess you’ll have to come with me then.” He murmured into your ear, the feeling of his liquor laced breath warm against the shell of your ear. It wasn’t the warmth you felt with Namjoon, but you slowly began to realize something as Hyungwon led you away.
That kind of warmth doesn’t happen for people like yourself. Because you’re just too nice to give into that selfish feeling.
Looks like Hyungwon gets what he wants, like always.
272 notes · View notes
rt8815 · 7 years
Text
Beethoven and The Doctor
Thanks for the love and advice, @dontshootmespence @criminal-minds-fanfiction
Word count: 2,058 (I’m long winded, sorry.) Proofread, hopefully no mistakes.
I fixed it!
Stupidly long author’s note to follow :P XD
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It was a bright, warm October morning in Washington, D.C. Penelope Garcia and Derek Morgan strode into the apartment building swiftly, the former with an air of sheer determination, the latter with one of mild trepidation.
“Baby Girl, I’m not so sure we should -”
“Shush, you,” Garcia interjected, playfully slapping Derek on the arm. “This. Is. Happening. I put a lot of thought into today’s festivities and he will have fun, even if it kills him.”
Morgan raised his arm in front of her, halting their climb up the stairs. He had a stern expression on his face. “Penelope, Reid said he didn’t want a huge fuss on his birthday,” he said reproachfully.
“Oh, he doesn’t know what he wants,” Garcia countered as she rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.
Morgan released a heavy sigh, resignedly following the clickety-clack of Penelope’s ridiculously high heels when she resumed her journey up the staircase. “He did agree to dinner with everyone tonight, but as much as he’ll love spending time with us, it’ll also exhaust him. We know how overstimulated Reid gets – all that noise, the camera flashes, the crowd – he needs quiet time alone to prepare himself for that.”
They had reached Reid’s floor. Garcia paused on the landing before turning to face Morgan. She looked crestfallen and slightly ashamed of herself. “I know, you’re right,” she conceded, “I…but,” she pouted as she defiantly raised the platter in her hands, “…Doctor Who cupcakes.”
Morgan flashed his impossibly white smile. “I know, Mamma. I worry about him too. Let’s leave these at his door and we can text him so he knows they’re out here. That work for you?”
Garcia, however, wasn’t paying attention to him. “Shhh, can you hear that?”
Morgan listened for a second, then he caught it; somebody nearby was playing an electric guitar. More like making it sing. “They’re talented, whoever they are…ummm, is that…Beethoven?”
“Derek, it’s coming from Reid’s apartment.” They meandered towards the door, their heads tilted in curiosity, their hearts warmed by the performance. It had clearly been practiced to perfection, but not for a packed concert hall or a panel of judges.
No, this felt more…personal, more intimate. Morgan opened his mouth to say just that when Garcia interrupted his thoughts. “Hold on, Reid doesn’t play guitar, so how…oh, wait…” realization dawned on Garcia’s face as she broke into a devilish grin.
“Oh-ho-ho. Spencer, you naughty boy,” she giggled quietly, prompting Morgan to raise his eyebrows.
“What in the world are you on about, Penelope?”
“It’s McKinley, it has to be. I guess she took the day off work. Well, no wonder he didn’t wanna spend the day with us,” whispered Garcia, whose cheeks were now flushed with excitement.
Morgan’s eyes shifted from Garcia to the door while he processed her statement. “You mean the McKinley? Works at The Smithsonian McKinley? The one he’s been dating for almost a year?”
Penelope nodded in confirmation. “Ley’s also in a band; they sub for a couple of house bands around the city.”
Morgan chuckled admiringly, impressed with both this mystery woman and his kid brother. “All right, Pretty Boy! Get some,” he cheered quietly. “Man, I really need to keep in touch more; I’m missing a lot – too much.” In the background, the last couple notes of “Für Elise” rang through the air, quickly followed by lilting, if somewhat nervous, laughter.
“So, Doctor, what’s the verdict? Give me your honest review.” 
Reid took a moment to respond. “It’s not what I expected, but that was lovely, Kinley, thank you.” 
“You know, for someone whose career hinges in no small part on controlling your affect and demeanor, you’re surprisingly terrible at lying, Spencer,” McKinley admonished him. 
Outside the door, Derek snorted lightly. 
“What?! I’m not lying, Kinley,” Reid exclaimed, his voice rising an octave or two. 
“There it is! You’re using your squeaky voice! Always a dead giveaway.” 
“Squeaky voice? I do not have a – never mind. I meant what I said, McKinley.” 
Derek started shaking with silent laughter, while Penelope smirked proudly as she leaned against the doorframe. She had apparently borne witness to this type of exchange between the lovebirds before. 
“You’re hedging, and you know I don’t tolerate that. I’m a grown-ass woman, Spencer. I can handle constructive criticism. I welcome it, in fact. You’re censoring yourself in an attempt to spare my feelings, and that’s insulting. It’s unfair – to me and to you.” 
“You played beautifully,” Spencer reiterated. 
“But?” McKinley wouldn’t budge. Judging by the full minute of awkward silence, it appeared that Reid wouldn’t either. 
“Oh, she’s good,” Derek mouthed at Penelope, “and she calls him on his b.s. I like her already.” Garcia waved her hands dramatically. “Wait until you meet her tonight,” she gushed. 
“Okay,” Reid finally relented, “I don’t believe that classical music ought to be played on electric guitars – electric anything. The juxtaposition is too jarring. It feels…wrong. They shouldn’t mix, and I’m quite certain the composers would agree.” 
“Pffft, Beethoven totally would’ve been a metalhead,” McKinley declared. “Anyway, I understand; classical music and rock are to you what meat and sweet are to me. Bacon dipped in maple syrup? Ewww! And yet some people like the combination. Now I know to pull out my keyboard for certain songs.” 
“I didn’t want to sound ungrateful,” Reid mumbled apologetically. 
“You complimented me on how well I played, didn’t you?! We’re not required to enjoy all the same things because we’re dating. And Spencer, every day you show me how much you appreciate me.” 
“You must’ve worked on that for weeks, though, Kinley.” 
“Yeah, and you burned the midnight oil on that Edgar Allan Poe painting you gave me for my birthday. It’s unconventionally beautiful. The painting is very…you. That’s why I love it; that’s why I love you, Spencer Reid. You couldn’t be cookie cutter even if you tried.” 
Derek and Penelope swore they felt the heat from Reid’s blush oozing through the door. 
When Reid replied, he sounded pleasantly breathless. “That’s one of the reasons I love you, too. You’re unapologetically different.” 
Another silence fell, except this time a sweet bashfulness filled the apartment. 
“They’re exchanging ‘I love yous’ now?! Yes!” Penelope whisper-screamed, punching the air. “My OTP grows stronger by the day. Derek, I can see it now,” she murmured dreamily, placing her hand on his chest. “They’ll have a spring wedding. JJ, Em, Tara, and I will help with the planning. We’ll be bridesmaids! You’ll be the best man.” Garcia did a little happy dance, then suddenly gasped. “And baby geniuses! Maybe we’ll get a goddaughter this time!” 
“Just be cool, baby, damn,” Morgan snickered. 
“Oh goodness,” McKinley’s voice echoed from within the apartment, “look at the time, Spencer! It’s nearly 9:00! We need to hustle if we’re gonna finish everything before we have to head over to Rossi’s.” Morgan and Penelope could hear the two moving around, packing up her guitar, setting mugs in the sink. 
“That’s our cue to leave, Penelope. You know what, let’s take these cupcakes to the front desk. If we drop them at the door and text Reid now…well, it’s bad enough that we eavesdropped, but if he finds out, he’ll be embarrassed.”
“Agreed. I’ll write a note saying we figured he was still asleep and we didn’t want to disturb him.” 
A few minutes later, the two were walking arm-in-arm around the corner to Derek’s rental car, Garcia enthusiastically discussing the details of the party she and JJ had organized, and wondering out loud if McKinley had slept over at Reid’s.
...
“So, you ready for this shindig?” McKinley asked through Spencer’s bedroom door. Ever the gentleman, he had graciously offered his room to her so she could change clothes, while he changed out in the living room.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” replied Spencer. “I mean, it’ll be fun – family, friends, good food – but I hope Garcia didn’t go too far overboard…again.”
McKinley pulled an amused face. “‘Hope she didn’t go overboard’? Have you met Penelope Garcia? That’s the only way she knows how to do,” laughed McKinley, checking herself in the mirror one last time. “Are you decent?”
“Yeah,” Spencer answered, “just putting on my tie.” Penelope insisted that everyone wear semi-formal attire, or she’d have their heads. They both thought it was ridiculous, but one simply doesn’t argue with Lady G.
“All right, I’m coming out then.” Cracking open the door, McKinley scanned the living room for Spencer. She spotted him fixing his tie by his reflection in the window. Nervously - she wasn’t used to getting so dressed up - she took a few steps toward Spencer and waited for him to finish.
McKinley’s eyes traveled from his wavy, unkempt hair down to his mismatched sock and Converse-clad feet. She stifled a giggle: her Doctor in a blue suit and All Stars.
“Holy hell, he’s gorgeous,” exclaimed a voice in McKinley’s head, shocking her. She’d always found Spencer objectively attractive, but that didn’t even make the list of reasons she initially felt drawn to him, and it certainly had nothing to do with why she loved him. It was almost everything else, but mainly it was his kindness.
However, since their first kiss and ‘I love yous’ two months ago, McKinley had developed…new feelings for the good Doctor. Feelings she recognized, but had never experienced before. Feelings she had yet to discuss with her boyfriend. Tingly in the pants feelings.
Spencer was still fussing over his tie, so she continued quietly admiring him from behind.
“Behind…he has a cute behind, doesn’t he?” That voice again.
“Behave.” McKinley scolded herself.
“I mean, purple’s his best color, but check out that tush in navy. Rrrr.”
“Stop it! Stop that right now!” McKinley forced her eyes upward, where they settled on Spencer’s face. He was fighting a losing battle to keep the tie straight, biting his lower lip in frustration.
“Well, you already know those taste of coffee, peppermint, and – now that it’s fall - pumpkin spice. How does the rest of him taste, though?”
“Lord have mercy, who am I kidding? That’s no tingle, that’s a throb.”
In spite of herself, a small whimper escaped McKinley’s lips.
“What’s wrong?” Spencer asked, slowly turning to face her. “Are you worried about sensory overload at the party? You can take breaks inside Rossi’s house, everyone will underst- wow,” he exhaled, cutting himself off before lapsing into stunned silence.
Spencer closed the space dividing them, continuing to stare in awe. “No,” she thought, “it’s more than that. His eyes. He looks…hungry? Oh!”
McKinley felt heat creep up her cheeks as her gaze lowered to the floor, landing on Spencer’s shoes. “Yes, a distraction!” “Wow, yourself, Doc-tah,” she replied, laughing at her awful British accent as much as his outfit.
“I – what? Oh, that was unintentional,” he claimed, chuckling at his wardrobe choice. “What about you?” he asked, gesturing at her ensemble. “Deliberate or happy accident?”
McKinley glanced down. Her empire waist, A-line dress was a deep amethyst, her footed tights a snowy white, and her low heels an emerald green. “Ummm, it must’ve been stirring in my subconscious. Not exactly subtle, is it?”
“No, but when have you ever been subtle? It’s helpful, though; your candor removes the guesswork for me.” Spencer brought his hands to McKinley’s face and pulled her in for a kiss. It had more heat, she noted, than their previous ones. And tongue. And hand wandering. It also ended too quickly to suit her.
“Okay, time to go,” Spencer announced, grabbing McKinley’s hand and stepping towards the door; she, however, stayed rooted to the spot. “Uuum, give me a second?” She played for time under the pretense of checking her clutch.
“Most sexy to least sexy, that’s how Sarah says she ‘calms down.’ Think! Ah, Mick Jagger strutting on stage. He’s aesthetically beautiful and he exudes an air of confidence - that’s sexy. What next? Bleh, period bloat. The girls plump up, which is fun, but so does my belly. Least sexy? Oh, gross: the shower drain mold that refuses to die.”
McKinley turned to face Spencer. “I’m all set. Lead the way.”
“After you,” he replied, holding the door for her.
“There’s no mistaking it.” McKinley spotted him grinning mischievously in her peripheral vision. “He knows, and he’s teasing me.”
---
I originally called this “Cupcakes and Confessions,” which I feel is a cringeworthy title, not that “Beethoven and The Doctor” is any better. Anyway…I also edited this and added a huge chunk at the end.
Just for clarification, this snippet and the one to follow take place October 12, 2018. The team celebrated Reid’s 24th birthday in S1E4, “Plain Sight,” which aired October 12, 2005. S7E11, “True Genius,” which aired January 18, 2012, had them belatedly celebrating Boy Wonder’s 30th birthday. I’m going with an October birthday for Reid because, well, duh. I’m also keeping his age ambiguous.
Stories don’t need to be told chronologically, so I’ll be jumping around a little. The next part will cover the party and provide a lovely segue to the actual start of Spencer and the OC’s relationship.
Finally: drawing isn’t my strong suit, but I felt that the fic needed something extra.
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ofstarsandvibranium · 7 years
Text
Say You Won’t Let Go
Fandom: Marvel
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Based off of James Arthur’s song “Say You Won’t Let Go”.
A/N: This song gave me huge Bucky feels when I first listened to it. So here you go. Also, this is pretty lengthy, so bear with me.
Warning: mentions of depression
Your best friend, Bucky, well…he was in a dark place. Now that’s not uncommon for college students. Statistics show that it’s very common for young adults ranging from 18 to 25 to fall into a depression. Bucky was one of those young adults. 
He felt like he wasn’t good enough. He was struggling to get by, academically and financially. He started to lack motivation in going to classes and getting out of bed. He just wanted to sleep the days away. 
But you were having none of it. During some of his darkest days, you were there to light him up. Although it didn’t really make the depression go away, it made him forget the pain with the constant temporary moments of happiness.
You came bursting into his apartment, “Luuuucyyy, I’m hoooome!” You announced. You dropped your bag and keys onto a nearby table and listened for any sign of Bucky. He was probably in his room. So you briskly walked over there and cautiously opened the door. Bucky was sprawled out on his bed staring at the ceiling. You ran over to him and plopped your entire being onto his stomach.
“Oomf! Whyyyy?” Bucky whined.
“Happy birthday, you dork.”
Bucky sighed and mumbled, “Thanks.”
You climbed off him and made your way to his closet looking through his clothes, “Let’s get you dressed. I have plans for you.”
Bucky groaned, “Can’t we just stay here and watch tv or something?”
You scoffed, “Psh. No. We’re going out.” You picked out a white t-shirt, black jeans, and Bucky’s favorite black leather jacket. You threw them at him, “Get ready. We’re leaving in ten.”
“Ugh. Fine.”
You ended up bringing Bucky to Steve’s apartment where you and he had planned Bucky's surprise party. When everyone jumped out, Bucky’s eyes lit up and a genuine smile appeared on his face. 
Bucky looked to you with shining eyes, “You did this?”
You nodded, “Yeah, well, and Steve too. No one should spend their birthday alone. It should be with people that care about you. And Bucky, all these people do care about you.”
Bucky pulled you into his arms and whispered a ‘Thank you’ into your ear.
Bucky helped bring in your drunk form into your apartment. He was drunk, but not as drunk as you. You were giggling and staggering, “Hehehe. Did you *hiccup* have fun Buckaroo?”
Bucky softly laughed, “Yeah, but not as fun as you did. I should’ve kept an eye on you.”
You drunkenly waved him off, “Psh. I’m fine and dandy like cotton candy, Mandy.”
“Let’s get you to the bathroom.” As soon as you entered the room, you went head first to the toilet hurling your guts out. Bucky sighed grabbing your hair and pulling it back so it’s not in the way. He gave you soothing rubs on your back. Once you were done, you wiped your mouth with toilet paper. You looked over your shoulder, smiling at Bucky.
“Thank you.”
For some reason, Bucky suddenly felt completely sober. He smiled back at you, “You’re welcome.” He helped you stand and handed you the mouth wash, “Go ahead and brush your teeth. I’ll be back.” He left you to go to your kitchen to get a glass of water and some aspirin. He set the two on your bedside table and sat on your bed waiting for you. 
You came out of the bathroom with your face clear of makeup, teeth brushed, and you had a tired look in your eyes. You undressed yourself not caring that Bucky was there and threw on an old t-shirt. You slid into bed and gave a hum of content.
Bucky kissed you on the head, “Go ahead and rest.” He stood to leave, but you caught his arm.
“Can you stay over?”
Without hesitation, Bucky said, “Of course.” He discarded his leather jacket and shoes, and slid into bed with you. You scoot closer resting your head against his chest and slinging an arm over his stomach. 
“Thank you.” You mumbled.
Bucky gave you another kiss on the head, “Get some rest, sweetheart.” You listened to Bucky’s heartbeat lulling you to sleep. 
Bucky stayed awake a little longer waiting for your breathing to even out. He gave a long deep sigh. He loved you. He appreciated you. He adored you. But you’d never know, because he acted so cool about it. In reality, he was scared of somehow losing you and letting you go. 
Bucky knew he needed you, desperately, but he never showed it. He knew that he wanted you by his side ‘til both of you were grey and old.
10 Years Later
“Baby. Baby, wake up.” You heard a voice bring you out from your sleep.
“Hm?” You ungracefully turned in bed from your stomach to your back. Your hair was in your face. You rubbed your eyes and sat up. 
Bucky stood at the edge of the bed carrying a tray of breakfast. He gave you a shy smile whilst setting the tray on your lap, “The queen’s feast.”
You gave him a tired smile, “Thank you.” 
Bucky left quickly and came back with a cup of coffee. He handed it to you and kissed your head, “I’ll be back. Gotta bring Stephanie and Becca to school.”
You nodded and bit into your toast.
“Come on, girls!” The two little girls grabbed their backpacks and ran out the door to car. 
They buckled themselves in. 6 year old Stephanie, with her brunette pigtails and blue eyes sat excitedly on her booster chair, “Daddy! It’s show and tell today!”
Bucky helped 5 year old Becca, with her Y/H/C and Y/E/C, into her carseat, “Oh yeah? Whatcha bringing?”
“The picture of us when we went to Disneyland!”
“Disneyland!” Becca exclaimed. Bucky finished up and hopped into the driver’s seat. He drove the couple blocks to the elementary school dropping them off at the drop-off. 
“Bye Daddy!” his little girls shouted. 
“Bye babies!” He yelled back waving them good-bye. Bucky always felt his heart skip a beat whenever he brought his girls to school. He felt so thankful of the nights he spent with you conceiving them. Bringing the loves of his life into existence.
Bucky came home and you were in the living room on the couch checking your emails on your phone. When you heard the door shut, you looked over your shoulder and gave Bucky that heart-stopping smile. 
For a minute, Bucky forgot he was older and he felt like he was a college student again. You gave him that feeling of when he first realized he loved you. 
“Doll, can you stand up for me real quick?”
You gave him a confused look, “Sure, but why?”
“I just-I wanna dance with you right now.”
You giggled, “All you had to do was say so.”
You made your way to him and slipped your arms around his neck. His hands resting on your waist. You two danced to nothing but the music in your heads looking lovingly in each other’s eyes.
“You’re as beautiful as ever.” Bucky whispered.
You rolled your eyes, “Don’t flatter me, James.”
Bucky laughed, “It’s true. It’s like every day you get better. And you make me feel this sort of way somehow.” He brought a hand to your cheek and gently caressed it, “I’m so in love with you. I hope you know that. Your love is worth more than all the gold in the world. We’ve come so far from college to now. We’ve grown so much and I can’t wait to grow more with you until we’re grey and old.”
“Bucky-” He leaned down and captured you with his lips. Both of your hearts soaring. “I love you so much,” you mumbled against his lips.
60 Years Later
Both of you have lived long and happy lives. Still even as old and wrinkly as you two were, you still found each other to be as beautiful and handsome as ever. But both of your guy’s health was wavering. 
“Doll,” Bucky breathed out as he laid next to you in bed, “I still wanna be with you even when we’re ghosts. Cause when I needed you the most, you were there for me.”
“Bucky-”
“I’m gonna love you still my lungs give out or my heart stops. ‘Til death do us part, remember?”
You looked at him, fear in your eyes, “Don’t go. Not yet.”
Bucky felt his heart beat becoming slower and slower, “I’ll be waiting for you. Just say you won’t let go.”
“I won’t let go. But Bucky, James, please. Don't-not yet.” You held onto Bucky’s hand tightly.
“Gimme one last kiss.” You scoot closer giving Bucky his final kiss, sobbing into his lips. Bucky gave you one last smile, “I love you, doll.” His grasp became limp in your hand.
Later in the morning, your daughters found you and Bucky in bed. Both passed away, but still holding each other’s hands. You promised you wouldn’t let go. And you didn’t.
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everlark-fanfic · 7 years
Text
The Kids Are Alright Chapter 1
So basically I wrote this chapter 1 as a sample for a post-epilogue fanfic centered around katniss and peeta’s kids, more particularly their daughter. If anyone is interested in me going further, let me know. Otherwise, enjoy: 
Lilly
It was all basically a blur.
“One more!” “Another, Lilly, come on!” “Don’t be like that, just one more.”
The brightest lights I’ve ever seen, the smoothest alcohol I’ve tasted, the best music that I can’t help but dance to. The most handsome boy I’ve ever laid eyes on, pressing his lips onto mine, and then disappearing out into the crowd like he was never even here.
The Capitol is my new favorite place to be, hands down. I don’t know why I never listened to my cousins when they told me to come visit for a party, but tonight, on my cousin Finn’s 19th birthday, I had to see if all the stories were true. And they absolutely were.
In 12 a birthday party is basically your mother and father rounding your closest family and friends who aren’t dead to sit around and dance to the same exact song on the fiddle. Every year. And every year I roll my eyes and grit my teeth as my parents show all my friends the old square dance they used to do back before the revolution. Once my mother explained it to me, why she loves it so much, and why I’ll never understand how much dancing around on a full belly celebrating another year of life means to her.
And she's right, I will never understand. But right now all I can think about is how my speech seems to flow in cursive, my eyelids feel like they weigh a ton, my body seems to move like an ocean, and my lips still tingle from the sensation of a stranger. I’ve never felt more on top of the world than I do now, and then I fall.
“Lilly!” Piper laughs, “Get up, you look like an ass!”
“I can actually see your ass” Burch gloats.
“Ok, ok. I’m um, I uh, who was that?” I stammer, looking in the crowds for the beautiful hunk that just vanished.
“Who knows,” Fletcher giggles, “But he’s long gone now, better get your fix somewhere else.” He pours an ounce of a bluish purple liquid that looks like space into a small glass, handing it over, “One for the road?”
I feel violently sick just looking at it. “No thanks,” I croak out, visibly nauseated. “I honestly better be getting home soon.” I look over at the clock and I almost faint when I see that it reads 2:04 am. “Shit” I mutter. My parents are literally going to kill me. Now that the transit system in Panem is used a lot more to travel to the outlying districts, they had to make the trains much faster. Still, even with our ridiculously fast trains, I wouldn't be home until three or four in the morning.
Finn, who’s the oldest out of all of us grabs me by the wrist and hugs me so incredibly tight I feel like I can’t breathe, “THANKS FOR COMING LILY!” He practically screams right in my ear, obviously very drunk. He quiets down a bit, “Honestly, thank you, like you just are the greatest, and,” he hiccups “and I am so happy you came here for my birthday. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!” he yells out to the crowd and they roar back encouragingly.
I smile and give him a kiss on the cheek, “Love you Finn, I’ll see you soon. Happy birthday!” He smiles and ruffles up my hair a bit, backing away slowly and then returning to the dance floor.
I turn to the group who appears to be taking another shot of the space juice. I chuckle when Piper and Burch make faces of disgust desperately trying to keep the liquid down. Fletcher does his best to look unfazed, minus the tears welling up in his eyes.
“Can I walk you out?” Burch asks politely, and holds out his arm for me to take. I gladly take it and Piper immediately takes my other side and we exit the party, leaving Fletcher and Finn to take care of each other.
The walk to the train station is quite chilly, in the midst of January it can get pretty cold here, so we all huddle together for warmth. After 10 minutes of us three drunken slobs stumbling away, we arrive at the station and the screen lets us know the next late nite train will be arriving in 8 minutes. We sit down on the bench on the platform and wait together.
“That was so much fun,” Piper sighs. “Finn is so drunk I can’t even believe it.”
Burch and I laugh, “Yeah, but it’s his day so we’re not allowed to judge. Every other day we can, though” Burch says.
While Burch and Piper joke about how Finn was starting to turn into our uncle Haymitch, I sink back on the bench and check my phone. 1 missed call from Mom, 1 missed call from Dad, another missed call from Mom, and a text from Terrin reading: “You’re in so much trouble :)”
I look around and cringe at the thought of going home. I feel so incredibly uneasy about it. I never really disobey my parents and I always let them know exactly where I am, especially if I go out of the district to visit my cousins, which I’ve been doing a lot more of lately. This time however, feels so different. I feel so uneasy, I could almost--
I hurl all over the platform, barely missing everyone's shoes. Burch and Piper look horrified.
“Sorry guys,” I wipe my mouth. “I’ve never partied like this before”
“Happens” Piper giggles and I shoot her a grin.
I can hear the chanting of the train coming closer, and soon enough it’s breeze is cooling off our sweaty faces. I carefully step over my pile of vomit and wave goodbye to Piper and Burch, “I’ll see you all soon. Let me know next time you want to do this again, if I’m not grounded by then.” I hop on the train and watch them try and mimic my moves to get over the pile. Burch pretends to push Piper into it and she almost loses her balance and swats him playfully.
My train leaves and through the window I can see Burch put his arm around Piper and gracefully swoop her up before he gently leans in for a quick peck on her lips. The sight of it makes my stomach wrench and before I know it, I’m puking again, this time into a paper bag behind the seat meant for motion sickness. After a few hurls, I look down and I whisper to myself “Burch? And Piper?” I hold down another wave.
I mean they’re cousins for God’s sake. Well, not really biologically. The six us have grown up together, at every family gathering, at every birthday party, at every funeral, and every wedding, these kids are my family. Our parents told us that we were cousins when we were young, but as we got older we figured out the real dynamic.
Finn came first, he is my aunt Annie’s son. My parents said as soon as they saw how happy Finn made Annie, the thought of having me didn’t scare them so much anymore.
Next came Burch, my uncle Gale’s son. He and Finn are only six months apart, and Burch was born right after the revolution. Needless to say, Burch was an accident, my uncle Gale only knowing my aunt Maple for three months before she was pregnant with him. Two years later, after getting married, they welcomed Fletcher, who is now sixteen.
Piper is my aunt Johanna’s daughter and she’s seventeen just like me, only about ten months older. She is the closest thing I have to a sister, my absolute best friend. My parents have been really close with aunt Johanna for almost twenty years, her and my father are even closer. Sometimes if something falls and makes a loud noise, they will start breathing hard but in the exact same way and my mom has to keep them from getting violent. I’ve only seen it happen once with aunt Jo, but a handful of times with my father. Aunt Jo was seeing this man formerly from District 11 when she moved to 2 to join the armed forces. They married and had Piper quickly, only for her husband to die in a test run of a new hovercraft they had designed. Her and Finn will occasionally bond over the fact that their dads are both dead and neither of them have even met them.
I came next, a surprise to my mother. She told me that she thought she was sterile, that when she went into the games her first time the stylists implanted something to stop her from menstruating and had no idea that it was reversed as soon as she and my father won. Three years later, my brother Terrin was born, he’s now fourteen, the youngest of us all by a two year gap, so he’s never really invited nor is he interested in going out to the Capitol with us.
When we were young, our parents couldn't really explain to us how they all knew each other. How could they? We would never understand that they knew each other because there was a Hunger Games every year for 75 years, and our parents had gone through it, and been a part of a revolution to put an end to their former regime, so they just told us we were family, and family we are.
That is why is so incredibly weird to see what I just saw. I have a million questions. How long has this been going on? Do uncle Gale and aunt Johanna know about it? How could Piper even THINK about seeing Burch like that? I shudder and then do my best to shake the feeling, dozing off, doing my best to try and sober up before I have to deal with my parents.
I’m woken by a sudden halt of the train, early morning miners quickly rushing out onto the platform to start the day. I get up, rubbing my eyes and smearing off mascara that Piper loaned me and check the clock to see that it’s 3:45 am. I find my father’s car and start it, driving painfully slow home, as I know what’s coming up if not tonight then first thing in the morning.
On my way home, I notice that the street signs are passing quicker than they should for the speed I’m going. That I seemed to not have gone through any intersections or stoplights, and as soon as I start to realize that I may not be as sober as I thought I would be, my headlights meet a tree trunk, my head hits the steering wheel, and then everything goes blank.
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boyjadzia · 7 years
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omg sara @shinelikeastarlight tagged me to do this super long tag game hlep
tagging: @void-for-president, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @starboysisko, @magnmite, @yacobeanreign (of course only if y’all want)
last text sent: "cool [thumbs up emoji]”
list three favourite colours: ???? don’t do this to me
what time did u wake up at today: 11am, it’s reading period don’t judge me what were u doing last night at midnight: playing drunk rock band name something you can’t wait for: this godforsaken quarter to be over when was the last time u saw ur mother: over winter break/new year’s one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: the crippling depression/abandonment issues are getting kinda old, I’d like to feel like I have a stable community/family who love and support me whats getting on ur nerves rn: the discourse favourite tv shows: star trek (all of them but esp DS9), idk I’m sort of obsessed with yuri on ice at the moment, those two are the main ones tbh? first best friend: my girl India who doesn’t have a tumblr but we’ve been best friends since we met on the playground at age 5. our moms are also tight. listening to rn: nothing, the sound of my laptop fan straining to keep my computer from bursting into flame
3 fears: never having a group of people I feel I can call family, never being in love, cavities
4 turn ons: self-awareness/humility, being sensitive about & respectful of my dysphoria, trust/willingness to be vulnerable, being honest & vocal about what you like 4 turn offs: being boring, being insensitive/distant, not being conscientious about how you interact with my body (i.e. assuming you can just treat my body the same way you’d treat a woman’s body and that’s a-ok), heterosexuality of any kind sexual orientation: gay tbh senior year quote in my year book: oh god some generic hillary clinton quote about feminism I don’t even wanna remember it first thing i notice in a person: ?? what they look like? shoe size: 7M/9W (US) eye colour: hazel hair colour: brown favourite item of clothing: probably my leather jacket, close runners up are my high-waisted black jeans that look good with pretty much anything and my crop top that says “I got to second base at Jonah’s bar mitzvah, January 7th 1978″ what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: blue/brown/white stripes favourite season: whichever one has like 60-70F weather, used to be summer but now that’s spring lol how much time i spent on designing my blog: not much I just picked a theme the reason i joined tumblr: this is pretty sad but... I wanted to make friends do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: only if I’m like talking to someone right before going to bed when did i last hold hands: don’t remember how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LMAO try the last 4 years where am i rn: on my couch do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: reasonable, loud noises are scary 3 things i love: my friends, dogs, idk earth? how i feel rn: I need to gtf to sleep lol something i rlly, rlly want: to feel like I don’t have to radically change my body to be attractive to the people I want to attract 3 things that upset me: feeling like I’m hurting or burdening other people, straight men trying to hit on me, the persistent feeling that being transmasc somehow makes me a bad person what i find attractive in other ppl: appreciating subjects other than your field of study, confidence, ambition, someone who’s accomplished interesting things in their life, being friendly, genuine & not condescending 3 habits i have: staying in bed all day on days when I don’t have to do anything, only eating part of my lunch during lunch time and eating the rest for dinner, carrying off ridiculous amounts of free food from events something i fantasize abt: feeling comfortable and secure in my attractiveness vis a vis how my body looks, and in my presence in gendered spaces something im talented at: singing, memorization, embarrassing myself the blog i give the most notes to: idk, probably sara tbh last person re-blogged sth from me: I haven’t checked my notifications in a while o_0 do  i smoke/drink: I drink with friends my favourite food: I’m a big fan of things with cheese in them. also guacamole. my favourite dessert: it really depends ugh I guess cake? what i did yesterday: had my last day of classes, went to work, went to an award ceremony/opening gala for an integrated DNA technologies sponsored exhibit at the field museum (it was so fancy I felt so grown up and fancy), went to kat’s birthday party number of kids i want: ???? number of siblings i have: none something thats constantly on my mind: trangst (trans angst)
last person i messaged on tumblr: teddy (void-for-president) can i drive: nope :/ what state or part of the world do i live in: Chicago, from Brooklyn am i in school: 3rd year undergrad do i get grossed out easily: not generally, but certain specific things will do it (ex. dead animals especially FISH) somewhere i would like to visit for a week: hm maybe go back and see Alaska again? check on that mountain biking trail I helped build in 10th grade i’ll love u if: make an effort to spend your free time with me/take the initiative in telling me that you value my being in your life last show i binge-watched: I binged legend of korra over winter break, probably that what words upset me the most: idk I guess people telling me I’m wrong for existing in the spaces that I occupy? what words make me feel best abt myself: when people tell me they value having me in their lives and that I make them feel good about themselves a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: that’s not a thing that I do :/ who i would switch lives with for a day: idk maybe someone who’s already gone on T and sings just so I could get a sense of what the voice change is like for a singer? or like. a famous celebrity or something. my favourite ice cream: green tea I think? allergies: minor allergy to raw eggplant I think, every time I eat undercooked eggplant my mouth starts to feel like it’s swelling up, not like my throat is being blocked off but just my mouth starts to hurt quite noticeably sexiest person to come to mind immediately: alskdjfsldk this is really hard uhh uhhh ok see my first thought is like star trek characters but I can’t say that ok let’s go with john boyega he’s gorgeous and seems like a ray of sunshine my childhood career choice: biologist! one of my insecurities: that being transmasc nonbinary and still participating in some women’s spaces/not letting go of some aspects of womanhood makes me a bad person and specifically is harming transfeminine people how many blogs am i following: just over 100 I think how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, this is the only tab open in this window because my internet sucks and tumblr is a monster website, the other window has 13 tabs coke or pepsi: not super into either, I guess coke although my aunt used to work for pepsi so I should be loyal tea or coffee: tea movie or book: movie probably, I don’t actually read that much it’s embarrassing, although frankly I don’t really watch movies that much either a sense i would be willing to lose: none omg! I guess if I had to pick taste? since taste is mostly smell anyway quote i live by: I don’t really? type of accessory i wear the most: does the leather jacket count? otherwise none last awkward situation i found myself in: I kept trying to pet eva’s dog today but I just ended up scaring her what time is it rn: way too late
a song that made me cry: hallelujah by leonard cohen, not actually, just like made me v emotional (yes I’m thinking abt that yiddish cover) first song u ever sang at karaoke: are we talking like legit karaoke at a karaoke place or like hanging out in my best friend from middle school’s basement singing along with her CD of karaoke tracks for the hottest hits of the mid-2000s bc I don’t remember the former but the latter was definitely sk8r boi
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