#visas' healing is so fucking important to me

[albertbreasker]

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

#words #poetry #star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #kotor 2 #x #listen this quote has been in my head for WEEKS #visas' healing is so fucking important to me #i also collect quotes like some kind of fucking nerd #bookshelf of unread books nd im out herel ik ohoohgo gotta collect the waste land #mine

[bangtaninborderland]

Risk It All (27)- Temporary Goodbyes

Genre: Chishiya X F!reader | eventual smut | angst

Warning: none for this!

A/N: ignore me spam posting these 😭

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It had been four days since AN  and Kuina had arrived, you'd spent the first catching up, the second discussing the borderlands, and the third making a run to the closest store which went surprisingly well considering  Chishiya had to explain the way from home and the fourth dragging Chishiya from bed to join the land of the living once again.

His wounds had healed enough to walk around, barely....

"I said no Chishiya." You slammed the cupboard door. "It's too dangerous."

"If I don't go my visit is going to run out." He retorts. "There are no choices here."

You huff, blowing a strand of hair out of your face. "We don't even know if we need visas anymore."

"I'm not risking it and I know you won't either." You know Kuina and An can hear everything, it's not like the walls are thick but you're thankful they let you both have your privacy. "We don't know when the next game will start."

You pull out a packet of rice and pour it into a pot. "Don't use terms like 'we' when you decide this all on your own."

"I did but you shouldn't expect any different." You can practically hear him shrugging. "I have to leave today."

"You can't even walk let alone win a game!" You shout, the bag of rice ripping open and spilling everywhere. "Fuck."

"Let me help." Chishiya says, limping over to you. "Just sit do-

"Stop trying to baby me! I can handle a bag of spoilt rice Chishiya. You can't handle an adult conversation where you discuss something as important as joining another game yet you can help me clean up unimportant messes?"

He frowns. "That's not what you're mad about."

You know it's not. "Whatever just go away."

"I'm leaving to enter the game today." He reminds you.

"I know."

"Are you going to join?"

You shake your head. "I don't need to, not yet."

He nods. "How many days on your visa?"

It hadn't been something you'd begun to worry about, the time was more than enough. "I think 11"

"I'll be fine." He mumbles.

You hate that he seems to understand why you're upset. "I know you will."

"You're scared." He points out as though it's not obvious.

You forgo cleaning the rice in favour of pushing your way into his arms. "I'm terrified, what if you don't come back?"

"I will." He reassures you, his hand hesitantly brushing against your waist. "Don't think about pointless things like that, if I die you just keep going."

"Don't say stuff like that!" You smack his arm, tears threatening to fall. "You can't die Chishiya."

"Why?" He asks, pulling back a little to look at you.

The words are no more than a whisper but you knew he heard them considering how close your bodies were.  "Because I need you."

He laughs, shaking his head. "You don't need anyone, I don't need anyone, you want."

"Fine then I fucking want you okay. Is it so bad I want you to be safe?"

"I will be."

It's easy to ignore the way your nose grows stuffy as you shed a few tears. "You don't know that."

"I do."

"How." You mumble into his chest.

He looks the the ceiling as though genuinely considering his answer. "Because you don't know how to fix the power generator if it goes out and I'm pretty sure if it does you'll die which although seems great because I'll never have to hear you complain again is more trouble than it's worth considering the fact there's a great chance you'll follow me to the afterlife, which by the way I don't believe it, and you'll continue to be just as irritating there too."

You push him away in favour of going back to clean the rice. "I should have let you bleed out on the doorstep.

"You wouldn't do that." He laughs

You ask him. "Why are you so sure?"

"Because I fucking need you." He imitates you.

It's almost like a reflex when you throw the broom at him. "Fuck you."

"Can't, don't have condo-"

Kuina pushes past Chishiya, opening up the cupboard containing the canned food. "This looks fun but I'm hungry."

Chishiya glares at you whilst you hold back a laugh, your chest shaking as you try to be quiet.

"Can't wait to leave." You hear him mutter as he sits down at the table.

Kuina looks at him before pointing to the hall. "Door is right there."

"Great, now I won't get lost." He thanks sarcastically.

You watch them bicker as you tip the dirty rice into a bag, a smile on your face as you force yourself to forget the fact that in a few hours, the house that had become somewhat of a temporary home would be lacking one crucial person.

Lunch passes by as no more than a blur, the food you'd helped Kuina make sitting practically untouched on your plate by the time everyone else had finished. "You weren't hungry?" An asks, taking your plate as you'd asked.

"Not really." You force a smile. "I'm going to lay down for a little I think my head is starting to hurt."

You don't wait for a response from anyone before you pull yourself up, walking directly to the bedroom and closing the door behind you.

It turns out that forgetting Chishiya would be gone was harder to forget than you'd ever imagine.

You don't ask who it is when there's a knock on the door, your instincts know who it is before they walk inside. "You're being a crybaby."

"Fuck you." You know it is probably ineligible from the way your face is buried in the pillows that you and Chishiya share but you don't care. "Go away."

The bed dips as he sits down."I'm not going away, not until later."

"Stop making jokes." 

"Look you're right, I could die but I won't and if I do you'll be okay. I told you not to fall for me, not here but you didn't listen and this is what the outcome is. I won't baby you and tell you that it's going to be fine because we both know what could happen but I'd rather not leave here with you being sad and depressed." You force yourself to look at him despite how awful you must appear.

"Because you'd struggle in the game if I was sad?"

He snorts before schooling his face when he catches your expression. "I wouldn't let it affect me so no but afterwards it would be annoying."

"If there even is an afterwards." You say aloud with it thinking.

"I haven't lost a game up to now and I won't anytime soon so stop being ridiculous and come and show me how to play this stupid card game you kept mumbling about ." He pulls the blanket off you.

You manage to smile at the way he remembered the conversation you'd had two days ago. Chishiya, still unable to get out of bed, you'd wanted to try and keep him company, but despite your 30-minute pleading session for him to let you teach him a few of your favourite card games he had refused.

"Chishiya?" You grab his hand before he opens the door.

He spins on his heel to face you. "Yeah?"

"Please don't die on me."

"I won't." He smiles, pulling the door open.

Kuina and An are already sitting around the makeshift table, the deck of cards in the middle with various snacks dotted around the floor.

You take a seat on one of the pillows, Chishiya sitting beside you. Kuina catches your eye, mouthing an "Are you okay?"

You nod with a smile, despite knowing you looked sad. You wanted to enjoy today, even if it was for a short while you could pretend like everything was normal. "Isn't it morbid playing card games considering where we are?"

You laugh at the question An asks as she shuffles the cards. "Not really, I think it's kind of ironic."

"Idiotic more like." Chishiya scoffs.

You and Kuina both roll your eyes at the comment, An seemingly unbothered as she hands you the pack of cards to which you deal out equally.  "So the name of the game is called cheat but some people call it-"

"Bullshit." An finishes.

You raise your eyebrows at her. "You know it?"

"Of course I do." She laughs. "I'm the best at it."

"I doubt it."

You both laugh, as Kuina and Chishiya stare at you both in confusion. "The game also has another name, some people refer to it as "I doubt it."

"Ohhhhh!" Kuina claps. "Now I get it."

"Okay forget this im going to sleep." Chishiya makes to stand but you pull him back down by the pocket of his pants.

"Sit and shut up." He raises his eyebrows in something akin to shock before huffing and sliding back down into his previous position. "So as I was saying, the player to the left of the dealer, which would be Kuina, starts by placing between 1-4 cards face down in a discard pile in the centre. The player must state what the cards they have placed down are but they do not have to tell the truth. They do however have to keep the value the same. For example, I could say I have the 3 kings but place down 3 of the clubs... are you all following?"

You wait for all three of them to say yes before continuing. "The other players can call "cheat" or "bullshit if they think the player is lying about the value of their cards."

"So what happens then?" Chishiya asks, looking at his cards.

"Well, I'd say Kuina, for example, were to say that if you were to call cheat you would have to show your cards to everyone. If Kuina was right you would have to pick up all the cards in the centre, then it would be Kuina's turn to go. If Kuina is wrong, the person on the left of the player, which would be me, will go next."

"And if no one calls the bullshit thing?" You almost choke at hearing Chishiya cuss but you hold it back.

"Well I would take my turn but I must declare the value of my cards to be only one up or down from what you have said yours is." You answer him before turning back to Kuina and An. "For example, Chishiya says his cards were kings. I would have to say mine are queens, kings or aces."

Kuina nods enthusiastically, smiling at her cards. Her body angled away from the rest of the table. "I get it, so how do you know who the winner is."

"The person who gets rid of all their cards first is the winner."

Chishiya hums. "Who's going first?"

"An?" You offer.

"Sure." She smiles, placing down one card. "I have the 7 of diamonds."

"Bullshit." Chishiya spits with a grin the second she finishes her sentence.

You can't stop yourself from laughing at how his face falls when An turns over her card, the 7 of diamonds. "Don't forget to pick it up."

"Go away." He huffs, picking up the card as though it's tainted.

The game passes like that, thankfully no arguments arise despite a near miss when Kuina calls Chishiya a liar because "you're a bad liar your face looks weird when you lie." Only for him to respond with "Your face looks weird all the time but I still believe you when it's necessary."

You'd had so much fun playing, the memory of your sister beside you as you silently remember the way you used to help her cheat at the game against her friends. She would always call you her eyes.

"I have to leave soon." Chishiya whispered as he pulled you aside, Kuina and An still at the table packing up the cards. "I need to be there before I miss my opportunity."

"I know but can't you stay just a little longer?" You ask, fighting the urge to lock him in the bedroom and prevent him from leaving.

"I can't risk not getting a place in the game. I'll be back but I have to leave soon."

"How soon?" You don't need him to answer, the sickening feeling in your stomach tells you what you need to know.

He looks to the floor. "In the next thirty minutes."

You bite the inside of your cheek, not wanting to cry. "Okay."

"Fuck." He huffs, grabbing your wrist. "Come with me."

You let him pull you into the bedroom, waiting until he closes the door to speak. "What's wrong?"

"I'm going to come back but if I don't the generator won't hold out with all three of you using it for an extended period of time. If it comes between saving yourself, Kuina or An you know what to choose."

You ignore the subtlety of his message. "You'll come back it doesn't matter if the generator won't work."

"I will but if I don't."

"But you will." You insist.

"I will."

"Chishiya?" You whisper, taking a step closer.

"Hmm?"

"Can I kiss you?"

He takes a step closer, closing the already small gap between you. "Are you incapable of making your own decisions?"

"No?" You shake your head.

"Then don't ask."

If you could freeze a moment in time this would be it, his hand resting against your hip, albeit awkwardly. His lips pressed against yours, your body ignoring the need for oxygen by supplementing it with a need for him.

He is the one who breaks the kiss, his eyes mapping out your face before smiling a little. "You'll be fine."

"You have to come back."

His tone was definitive. "I will. I should leave now, don't come out until I leave. I'll tell Kuina to come in here." 

You so badly wanted to beg him to stay, the fear that he was walking into his death was almost crushing and despite how final the words felt you'd hate yourself forever if you missed an opportunity to say them. "I love you, please be safe."

"Tell me when this is all over." He places a light kiss on your forehead before extracting himself from your hold and leaving the room. You watch as the door closes behind him, the silence in the room is deafening without him.

You tried so hard to ignore the sound of the front door opening and closing, so so hard, but you couldn't, you couldn't stop yourself from hearing him leave nor stop the tears you'd been holding back since early morning.

He was gone and you, you were truly realising just how lonely the Borderlands were.

#murakami nijiro #aib netflix #aib chishiya #alice in borderland #nijiro murakami #aib #Chishiya smut #chishiya icons #chishiya shuntarou #chishiya imagine #chishiya alice in borderland #shuntaro chishiya #chishiya headcanons #chishiya x reader #chishiya angst #chishiya fluff #Niragi smut #Niragi fluff #Niragi angst #niragi x reader #arisu x reader #Arisu smut #Arisu angst #Arisu comfort #arisu fluff #arisu alice in borderland #imawa no kuni no alice #chishiya shuntaro #chishiya #niragi

[threenorth]

Today's messages.

Saturn, I don't have much money to spare but every dollar is yours, I'll be flying back soon enough hopefully... I'm hoping for June. But I don't know. I can't wait to have you in my arms again, we're be dancing till the cows go moo.

Lea, I sure need a laugh the last few months have been pretty rough but I'm surviving... Some how.

Yousif, I'd ask you out but you and I are really quite busy and you don't like this long distance thing, and hopefully soon some paperwork can make it a little easier to be a little closer.

Ben, I knew from the day I met you in match 2012 that you were special. The day you hugged me I believed in love at first sight. And I still feel your butterflies in my stomach some items, but the one in my frame is one I caught.

Danny, you can video call me or message me... like i said but remember sleep is important don't fuck up your schedule mines a train wreck, at least if I go to Australia it's 3 hours different so I'll be on the money 😂.

Forrest, it's like the world dampens down and it's just a wide shot.

Quinn, you know my feelings I miss you, I also really want to kiss you harder and better than last time.

L, it's better to call and get a voice mail then someone who hangs up on you but you'll never know till you try.

Tony, I think there's a few good moments I can count on one hand and your 2 or 3 of them.

Olivia, I said I'd never leave but I guess I've had a few meltdowns and never had the time to really have time for me and try do my healing process. And now just taking each day as it comes but yknow hopefully I get this job, I'll be moving out and it would be nice if you could get a working holiday visa I'm more worried about soup and I'll need to get some injections for my allergies.

Lennon, you never left my mind or heart just everytime I saw my pain I saw you and it made me fall deeper...thanks for keeping me alive...

Summer, I feel only wiser and stronger but much the same I guess that's just living with truma but my feelings for you will never stop.

Yesterday's messages

Daytona, that's Florida I said where in Colorado so this can't be me but... I'm planning on it but sometimes life keeps getting worse and Messer, I'd send you money but you'll be sad...

R, I see you in the couples I see, I see you in the song lyrics, I see you in the movies I watch, I see you all the glimmers of my mind where you planted flowers and it's spring all year round *sneeze*

Milo, reminds me of the song the luckiest.. But I really wonder how our parrele universe self's met, I hope it's a bop.

X, I can see us adopting some strays but we can't get crazy cat lady hoarding level but enough to have like two or four (cats and dogs because no sane person in my house will have a snake)

Phoenix, in the hard times it's your love is what keeps me breathing my love for you is what keeps you alive in the hard times we call life. But these tough times, they and bad times they will past but our love remains... Infinite.

Angel, I don't need time but I do need you to help me out a little bit... I appoglized for my stupidity and you still remain... Our next significant date is march but by then I'll probably be snowed in with this new job possibly, can we make new history? Tomorrow or sometime soon... On your Sunday I have a two hour interview from 12-2 so how about 2.30?pm send me a text ?

Ben, you want me to talk to you but you don't pick up the phone, and I'm blocked on your social medias, you know I will always reply and I'm sorry I asked for what I asked, I said time and time again...and yes maybe next time I'll watch my mouth... You teach me many things but sometimes I look at the moon and think what am I supposed to be learning this time. Where's the sliver lining, and even when it hurts to hear you rip me apart before your birthday at least you still have gave me what I needed...

Anyway, the apartment I'm looking at in Australia is a little expensive and I might need to find another person to live in the apartment unless some how you and I start getting back to...

Logan, I don't know if I'd say you feel safe but you feel warm like chocolate in the soul or coffee on a cold day or rainbow after the rain, but maybe your just everything beuiutful.

Ethan, there's gonna be better kisses then that last but there's still a few firsts that I kept for you.

Grey, a million cats... Yeah Mayne not the cost might be a little to expensive. But I can do a few. But I have something better then pets to grow old with.

Eliah,

Soon... Kind of... Weer delayed.

Somethings keep getting in my way... Money and ergh... Shit.

Elijah, in the night before this was posted I had an odd dream with someone I dated once she was 5'11 her name was Louise, but she felt more like you I think my body is connected thru wrong body to the wrong person but it wasn't a dance we were how do you say.. .horazstsl tango.

I haven't seen her in bonks (years)

So I do not know why I had this odd dream but I woke up out of it like most of my gravy dreams.

Anway, off to sleep it's 1am.

Have a great thursday.

Xo

R

P.S

Feel free to call tommrow I might be at the supermarket or I'm just reading somethings I printed for my interview Monday.

[thinkingaboutyoungroyals]

Falling For You But You Are Worlds Away: Chapter 1

Summary: After a close call with a reporter that resulted in Simon getting hurt, Linda makes a difficult and heartbreaking decision. Meanwhile, Wilhelm returns to Hillerska, hoping to at least rekindle his friendship with Simon, only to find that even that was no longer possible.

Title inspired by Taylor Swift's "Come Back, Be Here."

Note: So... after several weeks of obsessing... I finally did it... I finally wrote Young Royals fanfic. And, I really shouldn't because I have Grad school and a part-time job and I barely have time to breathe.Speaking of that, I probably won't have a consistent update. There might be times when I disappear for several weeks. Please be patient and understanding with me, I'm still trying to balance school and work.

AO3 link

It was supposed to be a normal day of running errands – a trip to the grocery store, dropping off mail at the post office, and maybe getting ice creams as a treat on the way home. But, no, Simon should have known better than to think that his life would somehow go back to normal during Christmas. After all, the prince had denied his involvement in the viral video and Simon had broken up with him to give both of them some space. This all happened only a week ago.

But, even after all that trouble and heartbreak, here he and his family were, being chased down their own street by paparazzi with their stupid cameras and fake sympathy.

“Simon, won’t you tell us your side of the story?”

“Is Prince Wilhelm lying? Are you in a relationship?”

“Mrs. Erikkson, how did you react when you found out your son may have been involved with the prince?”

“Don’t say anything,” his mother hissed in Spanish, clutching Simon and Sara’s arms tighter against her side.

The plastic bag of groceries was digging into Simon’s skin and he wished he could adjust his grip but he didn’t dare slow down. Those hyenas at his heels could catch them and he didn’t want to give them that satisfaction.

But, then, Sara let out a startled scream. A reporter had grabbed her arm, making her drop the groceries. Clementines rolled out of the bag and onto the pavement.

And, just like that, Simon saw red.

“Let go of her!”

He ripped his arm from his mother’s hold and lunged at the reporter, pushing him away from his shaking sister. The reporter, a middle-aged man who had probably been doing this for a long time, released Sara. But, before Simon could pull her away to safety, searing pain exploded at his cheek. He tasted the blood before he even realized what had happened.

His mom and Sara screamed.

The other reporters began to yell at the first one. Things like “What is wrong with you?!” and “Fuck, you can’t touch our sources like that! We’re gonna get sued!”

His name was being called. It sounded like Sara.

But, Simon, feeling dazed and tired, just stared up at the bright blue sky. He didn't even realize he had fallen to the ground. It was a nice day, though.

It should have been an ordinary nice day.

 .....

“Thank you, officer, we really appreciate your help.”

“Just doing our job, ma’am. Please don’t hesitate to call us over if you see any more suspicious individuals around your home. We’ll send someone over, immediately.”

“Thank you.”

Linda bid the police officers a good day and shut the door. With them gone, she finally lowered her mask and allowed the weariness of the day to manifest in her bones. She leaned back against the closed door, letting out the breath she had been holding.

No matter how many times she had dealt with the police, it never failed to make her exhausted. She should be used to this by now.

When she and the kids still lived with Micke, it wasn’t uncommon for neighbors to call the cops to complain about her ex-husband disturbing the peace. Mostly because he was yelling at her and the children. Sometimes, even hurting her. (He never touched the children. Linda never let him. The one and only time he almost laid a hand on Sara was finally when Linda finally gathered her children, important documents, and a few meager possessions and fled into the night.)

Linda believed that they were past all that. That in this new life she built for herself and her children, they would never have to call the police to their home or worry about their safety ever again. But, after what happened to Simon today, she could no longer hold on to that dream. Not for the time being.

She knew what she had to do to keep her son safe, even if it hurt her. Even if Simon would resent her. She hoped he wouldn’t. That he would see that she was doing this for him.

Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, Linda straightened her shoulders, lifted her head, and began to make her way back to the living room, where she could clearly hear her children bickering on the couch.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sara asked her brother.

“I’m fine,” Simon answered, sounding annoyed. “He didn’t even hit me that hard.”

“You could have hit your head!”

“But, I didn’t.”

“You should have left him alone.”

“He touched you!”

Sara pressed her lips together and looked away as she dabbed ointment to her brother’s bruised lip. Simon flinched, which made his sister’s lips quirk to an amused smile.

But, despite her children looking seemingly okay, joking around and teasing each other the way they always did, Linda couldn't stop looking at that dark mark marring her son’s handsome face. 

Clearing her throat, she stepped into the living room.

“Mi amor, how are you feeling?” she asked, sitting on Simon’s other side.

“I’m fine, mama,” he replied, immediately. “It’s just a scratch, it will heal in a few days.” He grinned. “It makes me look badass though, right?”

Sara snorted. “More like reckless.”

“A reckless badass.”

“Mi amor,” Linda interrupted, gently, not wanting them to start bickering again. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Simon straightened up, looking serious. Linda’s chest felt heavy as she took his hand in hers and stroked it. Sometimes, she wished her children were still small and had no other care in the world except for what candy they could get at the grocery store that week.

“It’s about school,” she began.

“I’ll transfer back to Marieberg,” Simon said, misunderstanding where the conversation was going. “I don’t mind. Sara can stay at Hillerska, she has friends there now, I’m sure she’ll be fine. Besides, Rosh and Ayub are excited to have me back.”

Linda shook her head. “I don’t think you should go back to Marieberg either.”

At that, Simon’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean? I should go to another school? There aren’t any others close by.”

Linda sighed as she looked her son in the eye. “When the… video… first came out...”

Simon flinched and looked down at his feet.

“... I thought about how to… protect you. Especially after what happened today-.”

“Mama, I can handle it,” he interrupted, still unable to look at her. “I was fine today.”

“No, you weren’t,” Sara interjected. “You got punched.”

Simon glared at her. “They’re just reporters, I can handle them.”

Linda squeezed his hand. “It’s not just the reporters, Simon. It’s also… the others. Remember that boy from the other day? He followed you home! He could have hurt you!”

Simon's eyes flashed in anger at the memory. “But, he didn’t, you drove him away. And I would have been fine, I could take him.”

“That doesn’t stop me from worrying!”

Linda ran a hand through her hair, frustrated and cursing her son’s stubbornness. Unfortunately, that was one thing he inherited from Micke.

“Anything could have happened and I can’t protect you! Not at school, not at the grocery store, not even here at home! And do you know what that does to me?! I worry about you every time you’re out of my sight, Simon!” 

Unbidden tears brimmed at Linda’s eyes but she refused to let them fall. She had to be strong. She was making the right decision.

“A few weeks ago, I called your Tia Elena. She already knew what happened, the news reached them...”

“Oh, God!” Closing his eyes, Simon groaned and fell back against the couch.

“… and she actually suggested that… you go to live with her for a while.”

Almost immediately, Simon’s eyes snapped open and he sat up. “What?”

“I wasn’t sure, before, because I don’t want you to be away from us. But, after what happened with that boy from the other day and the reporters today… I think this is the best thing for you.”

“To send me to America?! That’s the best thing for me?!”

Simon pulled his hand away from her hold and stood up, presumably to stalk off to his room.

Linda tried to blink away the tears. “Simon, mi amor, please! This is the only way to keep you safe!”

“You’re sending me away! From you and Sara and my friends! My whole life is here!”

“It’s only until this all dies down, I promise. You can transfer back to Marieberg next school year. But, just for this term. Please, Simon.”

She watched Simon’s stiff back as he processed her pleas.

“W-What about a visa?” he asked and the hope in it broke her heart. “Don’t I need one of those? And they take time, don’t they? By the time they process it, school’s gonna start and I still have to travel and-.”

“You have an appointment with the U.S. Embassy the day after tomorrow,” Linda interrupted. “Your Tia Elena took care of everything. She even sent some money along to help with the fees.”

“Oh.” Simon’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “W-Would they even have room for me?”

“There’s only her and Ana now ever since Ricardo left them. And she says you can work at her store to earn some extra money, if you want.”

From the corner of her eye, Linda spotted Sara, who was unusually quiet. Her daughter was staring at her brother, her face unreadable. It was difficult to read Sara these days. But, Linda hoped that her daughter understood why she was doing this.

Sara didn’t want to leave Hillerska and that was fine, she had gone ahead and applied for that Grant to be a resident. But, even if Simon applied for a Grant too and became a resident, he would still get chased by reporters. He would still get recognized and followed by creeps and people who wanted to do him harm in Bjarstard. But, in America, with Linda’s older sister, he could be safe from the scandal.  

“Is there really no other way?” Simon asked, softly.

Getting to her feet, Linda moved towards her son and wrapped him in her arms.

“Mi amor, I know this is difficult for you. It is for me, too. I want nothing more than for you to stay here in Sweden with me and your sister. But, I want you to be safe. I want people to stop stalking you and bothering you about something so… traumatic. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to go to school and live your life in peace. In America, no one knows who you are. You can live normally again, go to school, and even… date someone new.”

Simon flinched in her arms and she regretted her words.

What Simon had with Wilhelm was truly special, something for the books, the kind of love story you often watch on T.V. and read about in books. She had never seen Simon as happy as he had been when he was with the prince, even if they thought Linda didn’t know. (Of course, she knew! She was his mother!) It was only a shame that their story ended in a tragedy that not only broke her son’s heart but also brought negative and unwanted attention onto his life.

“Simon, please,” she begged. “Just for a few months, I promise, mi amor. And, then, you can come home and life will be back to normal, I’m sure. Please.”

Time felt like it was slowing down as they stood there in the middle of the living room, Simon slowly breaking in her arms and Sara only watching helplessly.

Finally, her son let out a breath. “Okay,” he said in a soft voice. “I’ll go.”

Linda burst into tears and buried her face against the fabric of Simon’s orange sweatshirt.

Despite her own heart breaking into pieces at the thought of being away from her son, she was also so incredibly relieved.

 ......... 

The Christmas break was too long, in Wilhelm’s opinion.

He spent most of it making required public appearances, sitting in on council meetings, and attending royal parties. He went about his duties like a robot, his emotions numb and something in him broken. His mother thought he would get over it if she threw enough things at him to keep him busy enough to not think of Simon. But, obviously, it didn’t work.

Simon was the first thing on his mind when he woke up in the mornings and the last thing he thought of before he slept at night. He had tried texting but his texts went unanswered. His calls would result in just ring after ring after ring until voicemail picked up. He spent many hours just scrolling through Simon’s Instagram, not seeing any new posts. Rosh, Ayub, and Sara had all blocked him so he couldn’t even see any posts of Simon, if there were any.

During the yearly Christmas party hosted by the Royal family, it was normally Erik who had to socialize and make nice with all the nobility and distant relatives who came. But, this year, Wilhelm had to do it. And it was fine, at first. He managed to remember some names and those he didn’t remember, he managed to sidestep with a polite “sir” or “ma’am.” But, then… But, then!

His mother introduced to him the daughter of a Duke whose name he couldn’t remember. With the way his mother smiled and practically pushed the girl to his side, Wilhelm knew exactly what she was doing. It ruined the rest of the party for him, as well as that poor girl’s Christmas. Wilhelm was so annoyed that he ignored her when she tried to make conversation. Eventually, he caused her to break into tears when he bluntly said that he didn’t care who designed her dress.

The Queen tried to scold him, called him a disgrace, and demanded that he get himself together. Wilhelm only shot her a blank look, excused himself, and left the party.

There were no more attempts at setting him up after that.

So, when Christmas break ended and it was time to return to Hillerska, he was relieved. He dutifully packed his things, including the small Christmas gift he got for Simon. He was hoping that even if they couldn’t restart their relationship, they could still be friends. Wilhelm would take anything Simon was able to offer him right now, even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

“Your Royal Highness,” Malin called through the door. “You’re supposed to be at the church in ten minutes.”

“Thanks, Malin!” Wilhelm called back to her.

The prince looked over his appearance in the mirror one last time, making sure his school tie was tied properly and his jacket free of lint. Not that Simon would care about those, but Wilhelm wanted to look his best, for once. He even got a haircut over break. He wondered if Simon did, too. He couldn’t wait to see him.

Feeling the anticipation brimming inside him, Wilhelm made his way out of his room. He joined the others in leaving Forest Ridge to head to the church. Ahead of him, Henry and Walter waved, pausing to let him catch up to them.

Despite their initial impression on Wilhelm, they really did mellow out the more he got to know them. And when the video came out, they were the only ones who didn’t look at him weirdly (at least, not blatantly to his face) and never once asked about the video. They even texted him a Merry Christmas over break. He would take their company over August’s.

And, speaking of the devil, there was his traitor of a cousin now, pushing through the other boys to get to him. Wilhelm quickened his steps, not wanting to get caught in a conversation. He had successfully avoided him during the Christmas party at the palace after giving firm instructions to Malin and Johan to ensure that he didn’t get close to Wilhelm.

Luckily, his bodyguards were most likely doing exactly that as Wilhelm made it to the church and slipped into a pew without August catching up to him. Henry and Walter slid in after him, chatting about their holidays.

“Wonder what they’re singing this time,” Walter wondered aloud.

“Hope it’s something good,” Henry added.

Wilhelm only smiled, his annoyance at August finally melting away and replaced by excitement to see Simon and hear him sing again. Christmas break was too long.

Finally, the whole church had filled up and the Headmaster signaled for everyone to be quiet.

The choir entered.

Wilhelm spotted Felice and gave her a small wave. She had remained a great friend to him throughout the break.

As the choir began their song, Wilhelm scanned the heads, looking for that familiar head of curls. Someone else was doing a solo this time, a girl he didn’t know and her voice was nice but it wasn’t Simon. Why wasn’t Simon doing the solo?

Wilhelm couldn’t even hear the song or decipher the lyrics. His eyes desperately scanned all three rows but he couldn’t spot Simon.

Where was Simon?!?! Did he miss the first day of school?!?!

But, Sara was just a few pews ahead. She wouldn’t leave home without her brother.

The excitement that had earlier filled him turned into fear.

Did Simon quit the choir?!

Not caring about how it looked, Wilhelm scanned the pews across from them and the pews behind him, trying to spot those curls. But… he couldn’t see them. Not one strand.

The choir had finished singing now and the Headmaster had stood up to welcome them to another semester, go over the rules of the dorms, and list the school administration’s expectations from their students.

All of it went over Wilhelm’s head.

And, finally, they were dismissed to go to their first class of the day.

Wilhelm shot up and, muttering apologies to Henry and Walter, made his way out of the pew. He ignored the “hello’s” sent his way and hurried to the front.

Sara and Maddie were chatting with each other as they made their way down the aisle, all excited smiles and talking about how wonderfully Felice sang.

“Sara!”

The girl slowed down and froze upon seeing him. He saw the anger flash in those normally calm eyes. Then, she turned her gaze away and walked past him.

Wilhelm was not giving up.

He turned around and gave chase. “Sara! Sara, wait! I just need to ask you something.”

“I have nothing to say to you, Prince,” she seethed, not stopping.

He hated to do it but he gently grasped the arm of her school jacket. “Please, I need to ask you. Where’s Simon?”

Sara pulled her arm away, glaring at him. “Why do you ask?”

Wilhelm swallowed. “He didn’t sing with the choir. And I can’t find him anywhere and I just-.”

“He doesn’t go to Hillerska anymore.”

Wilhelm’s heart stopped. “What?”

Sara shrugged, turned on her heels, and walked away. Maddie shot Wilhelm a pitying look before hurrying off after her.  

His chest felt tight. And it seemed like there wasn’t enough air for him to breathe.

Simon... left?

#young royals #young royals netflix #simon x wilhelm #young royals fanfic

[thefederalistfreestyle]

*taps the mic* Hey... this thing still on…?

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Hamil-weekend! 

Once upon a time, I'd thought that I'd return here if a big event happened. Something like, say, the release of a movie.

I never imagined that said big event would be entirely overshadowed by a pandemic incapacitating the country, which had in turn allowed for a long-overdue reckoning with the U.S.'s foundational racism to burst forth, and, individually, being just a week out from being surrounded by the police who, it turns out, would attack the queer liberation march literally on the day of Pride while I was taking a breather on the steps of the Public Theater, which was just one more incident in an ever-growing litany of bald-faced police overstep beyond the usual racial inequity, to the point of snatching a well-known musical theater composer from her own front stoop for having the audacity to cheer in support of protesters.

There are still parts of Hamilton that are amazing.

It's also amazing and wonderful that so much of Hamilton is NOT revolutionary. The cultural conversation is on the move. And the arts play such a huge role in that movement.

On Friday the 13th of March of this year, the NYC theater industry closed for the foreseeable future.  Theaters elsewhere in the country have followed.  On a human level, almost everyone involved in the industry is unemployed: actors, dancers, singers, musicians, stage managers, backstage crew, electricians, carpenters, stitchers, props artisans, designers, writers, directors, choreographers, box office staff, ushers, janitors, security, marketing, scenery building shops, and more. Adjacent businesses, whose clients are theatre workers and theater audiences, are affected as well: restaurants, bars, the bodegas with the cute cats, materials suppliers, and more. On a cultural level, even if there were enough "other jobs" for everyone to go to, what will be left when performance is able to resume? I fear that the "unpaid internship" will become writ even larger than normal: the people who will have the means to stay in the industry will be reduced down to an even more exclusive class than they are currently.

This has not been the case globally. In some countries, the pandemic is sufficiently under control for even professional productions in big cities to continue with safety measures in place (e.g., The Phantom of the Opera in Seoul). In some countries, the government is giving robust financial support to the arts (e.g., Britain announcing a nearly $2 billion stimulus for the industry).

The Arts in the U.S. need your support. If you can donate, then donate. But perhaps even more important: contact your senators and other officials to encourage them to support measures that will keep artists and the arts going. And be the change within your own families and communities to help fight the view that the arts are disposable. If someone has read a book or listened to music or Netflix-and-chilled or watched a Marvel movie, then they are benefiting from the arts – not just the material that they are directly consuming, but the community theater or PBS broadcast that led that movie star to start acting in the first place. (To say nothing of: remember all of the tweets of people saying that the Watchmen series was how they learned about the Tulsa Massacre?)

& I’m sure that A.Ham would appreciate the fact that the Arts & Entertainment industry accounts for $877.8 BILLION in value and 4.5% of U.S. GDP.

ExtendPUA.org/entertainment is a good place to start. You can find information on more ways to be an #ArtsHero here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tJFHBXZYZfHG86l4jr2dFFS-KBtUkdcfewHDl9iVUyI/edit (And remember, try to personalize the subject line and at least a couple sentences of any auto-generated emails so that they don't get flagged as spam!)

Check out See Lighting Foundation to support immigrant theatre artists, who are particularly vulnerable right now. Between their specific risks/futility in applying for government benefits, the increasingly onerous visa processes, & the simple fact that theatres in other countries are not facing the shitshow faced by theatres here, many immigrant theatre artists are looking at leaving the U.S.. It will be, truly, our loss.  

There is a lot of work happening within the industry right now that isn't a product for immediate public purchase. Grassroots groups organizing for more equitable labor practices. Forums hosted to root out and start healing the racism within the industry. (The Broadway Advocacy Coalition, of which Hamilton alum Amber Iman is a co-founder, has been doing great work.) Works in the early stages of creation that hopefully have actual stages ready for them when the time comes. Be proud to support all of this.

Also: if you are a young BIPOC stage manager (or even just stage management curious!), please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to chat about the profession, including grad school and NYC specifics.

Black lives matter. This land is stolen from Indigenous people who are still here. Stonewall was a riot. Wear a fucking mask.

#hamilton #hamilfilm #broadway #theater #theatre #nyc #artshero #and yes fine okay i did mix drinks when my roommate and i watched it and called them History Is Happening With Manhattans

[babedur]

The Ebon Hawk looked like a pigeon squatting among eagles as they set it down in the Royal Hanger Bay of Iziz, but fortunately the man who came to greet them looked about as worn as they did. 

“Jedi,” Captain Bostuco said. “It’s good to see you again.” His eyes flicked over her bandages, the way she leaned on Bao-Dur- and him on her- to get down the ramp. “You mentioned over the comms that you were in need of assistance. Medical is standing by.”

“Thanks,” Tiniat said, aware that she should probably be saying more. “It’s… thanks.” Nothing else came. 

They were whisked away by medics who were tired, overworked, but practiced and calm. Iziz’s brief war had given their veteran doctors a refresher in front-line trauma care and their fledgeling students a crash course. Poison gas, laser burns, these were things they’d already seen in the weeks prior, even if this time they’d happened on another planet. Tiniat was content to close her eyes and answer simple questions about where it hurt. The deeper consequences of the last few days would wait patiently. 

The only sticking point came when the medics tried to give them private rooms- a luxury, nowadays, since many of the Onderon military’s wounded were only just beginning to walk or wheel their way out of recovery. But Tiniat… would not be separated from her crew. Not yet. And given how Atton suddenly materialized at her side and how Brianna had sunken into an opening stance, they would not be parted from her, either. A shared ward it was. 

Tiniat slept. 

She woke, drank some water, relieved herself, slept. 

Woke. Mical informed her that a message had come from Telos, Admiral Onasi reminding her of her promise, but Mical had told him that it could wait. He seemed pleased with himself, maybe a little smug. It was a charming look on him. Or maybe it was good to see him look anything other than tired and a little hunted, how he often looked when she woke. She needed to catch up with him, with several others of her crew, since the last few days happened so fast that they hadn’t had any time. 

But she slept. 

She had a… some kind of nightmare. A spreading emptiness, taking everything, all life, her feelings draining out of her. She woke to Atton shaking her shoulder, and he talked to her about repairs to the ship, absently straightening her pillow and fixing her blankets until Tiniat simply reached over and took his hand, because she didn’t know what they were but surely they were something where he could wake her from a nightmare and she could hold his hand while he talked her ear off to drown out the fear that was circling her brain like a fog.  And eventually, she slept.

She woke. She ate. The medics informed her that she could shower, so she did so, and the hot water felt like it brought her back to life. Or, at the very least, back from a very cold place. 

There was a list of things she needed to do. Speak with every member of her crew and figure out what the hell had happened- highest on that list were Bao-Dur and Mandalore. She needed to figure out what their position was with Iziz, since they’d been mooching off their hospitality for a few days, though saving the life of the queen a week prior probably covered that. She needed to actually see to the ship, she needed to sort out what her crew wanted to do next, she needed to deliver the navicomputer to Admiral Onasi. 

But first, she needed to get dressed.

Luckily, Mira was on the ball. Or, at least, outside the shower stall, with a pile of Tiniat’s clothes. “We’ve been taking turns,” she said, bluntly. “Whatever happened on Malachor- it was… bad. Mical and Visas had it the worst, aside from you, but even they were up a few days ago.”

Tiniat frowned. “How long have we been on Onderon?”

“About a week. Eight days, actually. You didn’t know?” Mira sounded like she was pushing down a bit of alarm at that. Tiniat didn’t blame her. She was pushing down some alarm, herself. 

“No, it felt like…” It felt like she’d been drifting in and out of sleep, sure, but not for that long. An entire week. “It didn’t feel like that long. Where is everyone?”

Mira was definitely happy to steer the conversation back to the practical. Tiniat took her clothes and stepped back into the shower stall to change while Mira updated her. “Around, mostly. Mandalore went back to Dxun after two days, said he’d be in touch. HK’s been snooping around the palace. Atton hates it, but I think the droid’s just bored. T3’s working on the ship. 

“Mical’s been making himself either useful or a nuisance, depending on which medic you ask- he’s barely let any of the rest of them come near you since he got back on his feet. Keeps meditating over you. Not going to lie, it’s kind of creeping me out, and I know that his healing trances actually do stuff. 

“Handmaiden- or, Brianna, I guess- has been doing her Handmaiden thing, training with the military. She made the mistake of practicing with her saber a few days ago, so now everyone’s wondering exactly how many Jedi are with us. I’m happy to let them just think it’s you, Mickey, Brianna, and Visas, honestly.”

“I’m fine with that, too,” Tiniat said. “I wonder how long it’s going to take for G0-T0 to take his bounty off… wait, didn’t he… die?” 

“Oh, yeah, HK got him. He’s very proud of that. Told all of us how he’d removed that blight from existence, and how it only coincidentally saved our meatbag lives, it was all just because G0-T0 insulted his pride as an assassination droid, you know. The works.”

Tiniat snorted. “Sounds about right. Bao-Dur?”

“Worked on the ship for a day or two, then went down into the city. He’s been doing some fancy stuff with shields to keep the beasts from the wilds from getting into what little farmland Iziz has. He looks like crap, honestly, but you know him. He prefers to be busy.”

Tiniat could only imagine. “Visas?”

“Honestly, she’s doing pretty good, compared to most of us. Meditating a lot, talking to us- I think she’s trying to sort out what’s going to happen next. I mean, it’s gotta be pretty hard on her, getting out from Nihilus’s thumb only for most of us to… do whatever we do next, I guess.”

Tiniat finished lacing up her boot and stood, looking over Mira. “And how’ve you been?”

Mira shrugged. “I’ve been fine.”

Tiniat raised an eyebrow. 

“You’ve been up for all of thirty minutes, after spending a week staring dead-eyed at the ceiling, and you want me to dump my woes on you?” 

“When you put it that way, it makes me sound kind of messed up,” Tiniat observed. “We all went through hell, Mira, I don’t expect you to be okay and I don’t expect to be able to fix it, but please don’t pretend that you’re fine when you’re not.”

Mira’s glare held for a few moments longer before she sighed. “It’s… a lot, you know. I’m figuring it out. I thought Hanharr was dead, it turns out Kreia… brought him back to life, or something? That’s something you can do with the Force?”

Tiniat made a ‘sort-of’ gesture. “Not exactly. But it’s something that has to be done while someone’s still clinging to life, and Kreia is definitely dead now, so…”

Kreia is definitely dead. She’d held her while she died. Heard her last words. Felt her leave this world.

“Woah, hey now.” Mira steered her into a plastic chair. “See, this is why I wanted to keep it to myself.”

“Just got dizzy,” Tiniat murmured. “It’s- It’s not something that can be done again. And Malachor is well and truly dust now, so it’s not like someone can go after his body. He’s gone.”

“I know that,” Mira said impatiently. “And now he might be able to finally get some peace, and stop inflicting his suffering on every human who crosses his path. But…“

“But he was important to you,” Tiniat said. “In a fucked up way. He’s still a part of your life that’s gone now.”

“It’s a good thing,” Mira said. “Well. It’ll be a good thing.”

Tiniat wished she could be so confident. Kreia was gone. But she just nodded. 

“I noticed,” Mira said, “That you didn’t ask about Atton.”

“I figured he could tell me himself,” Tiniat said dryly, and gestured at the refresher door. It opened. Across the hall, Atton jumped. 

“Hey! You’re up,” he said. Mira snorted. 

“I’m up,” Tiniat replied, standing, and looked him over- much like he was looking her over. He looked tired. He hadn’t shaved in a day or two, which was usual with him, but something in the way he stood….

“The doctor sent me,” Atton said, dutiful errand boy that he pretended to be, not at all like he heard she was awake and came running as fast as he could. “I think she said something along the lines of ‘take it easy,’ but you’re going to ignore all that anyway, so I won’t waste my breath. Also, the Queen wanted you to know that the Hawk is being repaired, we’re free to stay as long as we like since we’re her personal heroes, thanks again for saving her life, the usual.”

“She spoke to you?”

Atton rolled his eyes. “Oh, no, not me. She spoke to a messenger, who spoke to another messenger, who spoke to me. From the sound of things, Iziz is still pretty rough. Not everyone loyal to Vaklu backed down once he was executed, and there’s still all the beasts in the streets- a battle over Telos didn’t exactly help all of them get moving out of here.”

“Ugh,” Mira said. “And the streets were already messy enough before the civil war. I’m glad we’re sticking to the palace.”

Tiniat opened her mouth to remind Mira that she hadn’t been able to practice the beast trick on an actual creature yet and this would be excellent experience. Mira’s glare pushed the words back down her throat. Another time.

“Is there anything to eat in this place?” Tiniat asked, instead. 

#my fic #snippet #tiniat soleria #kotor 2 #kotor #kotor fic

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff | Smut

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence (bloody violence), Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,480

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​, @shrimpmsg​​,

Chapter 45: 21st Century Girl

“Whatever other people say, whatever this world tells you, you’re the best to me just the way you are.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

“Isn’t it early where you are?”

“No, it’s only nine.”

“You look tired though.”

“A lot’s been going on with my new job.”

“I’ll admit, I was a little worried when you said you were quitting your other job. Is that even allowed with the visa you currently have?”

“It’s fine. I applied for another visa through my new company.”

Anastasia sighed, attempting a smile for Jacob. The Skype call had only been going on for about twenty minutes, but it felt like they were talking for hours. She tried to check in about once a week, but with all the hustle and bustle with the company and the ever-blossoming relationship she was in with Seokjin, it was hard to maintain contact in the way she would have liked. Add on the extreme time zone difference and that was how things wound up.

“Is it harder than working for your old job?”

“No,” she said while shaking her head, “it’s about the same workload. I have more responsibilities because I technically got promoted when they hired me.”

Jacob nodded, brushing some of his hair out of his eyes. It was getting a little longer than she was used to. He would have cut it by now, but he seemed set on trying out a new image.

She watched him take a drink of water. “Are you happy, Ana?”

Blinking, she wasn’t quite sure what to make of his question. Had she given any indication that she wasn’t happy? She hoped not. She didn’t want him worrying unnecessarily.

Again, she smiled. “Yeah Jake, I’m happy.”

Anastasia watched her brother’s eyes furrow from the computer screen. She knew it wasn’t because he didn’t believe her. He just worried a lot and tended to fuss over her unnecessarily. It was the role Jacob chose to play since he was the second-born. They were only two years apart, but they were thick as thieves and she appreciated how close they were despite her being the oldest of her three siblings. Their baby brother, Phillip, was still just starting college while Elena just graduated from her university. Their parents were still harping on about practicality when it came to their futures, something that both Anastasia and Jacob despised. They should have all been allowed to choose the paths they wanted to live, regardless of the outcomes.

“Well,” he finally said, shrugging one shoulder, “as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.”

Relief washed over her and she sank back in her chair a little more, cradling the mug of green tea in her hands. Her hand slid from the handle to press a palm to her stomach, a warmer smile touching her features. She must have looked a little silly because the sound Jacob clearing his throat loudly startled her from her thoughts. When she peered back at the screen, his face was a little closer, as if he was leaning forward to look directly into her eyes.

“So, are you finally dating someone now?”

She coughed loudly, sitting up and quickly setting her mug down on the desk by her keyboard. “W-What?” Anastasia attempted to wrangle the words that were escaping her. “What’s with the interrogation anyway?”

Again, Jacob shrugged. “I know you dated that one guy, but that’s it.” He leaned back in his chair, lounging lazily. “Just figured you were seeing someone new.”

She felt her cheeks grow warm, her hands fidgeting until Anastasia started twirling a few locks between her fingers. It was a nervous tick that she hadn’t been able to break and there was no sign of it stopping anytime soon. She’d be an old woman pulling at her thinning gray strands until they put her in the ground.

Jacob laughed, realizing he’d caught her in his cleverly laid trap. If he was within arms-reach, she would have shaken him like a rag doll. “Your face gives away everything. It’s why you suck at poker.”

“Shut-up,” she muttered.

Another window suddenly popped up, notifying her that she had another call. She stared at the screen as Seokjin’s name and picture appeared in the window. Her eyes lowered to the corner of the monitor, spying the time, and she wondered why he was calling. He’d given her the rest of the week off so she could adjust to all the hormonal imbalances that came with her pregnancy. Talking with her brother was part of the whole routine check-up bit, but she really wanted to talk to him about her being with child.

“Hold on, Jake. I have another call.”

“Sure.”

She put her brother on hold, answering Seokjin’s call. When his face popped up on the screen, Anastasia could only stare at how uncomfortably close his face was to the camera. Neither of them said anything. She was too startled to speak and he apparently was trying to read something about her. He did this often when he was trying to catch her in some kind of lie or if she was secretly up to something.

“Seokjin,” she finally said, blinking, “what are you doing?” Anastasia looked over his shoulder to see if he was in his office. “Shouldn’t you be, oh I dunno, working or something?”

“Why are you on the computer?” he asked suddenly. “I gave you the rest of the week off to rest. Not so you could stare at a monitor.”

Anastasia sighed. “I’m talking to my brother. Why?”

“You can’t talk on the phone?”

“Phone calls are expensive. Skype is free.”

He gave her a dissatisfied look. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious! Why are you calling me on Skype if you’re worried about me being in front of a monitor?”

“Because you won’t answer your phone!”

“My phone’s dead and I’m charging it!” Anastasia puffed out one of her cheeks. “Geez, you’re impossible.”

He frowned, brushing some of his hair out of his eyes before leaning back in his chair. “…are you hungry?”

“Am I hung—what?” She looked back at the clock to make sure of the time. “It’s still early!”

“You should at least eat breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Anastasia rolled her eyes. “Shouldn’t you be working? Go back to work!”

Without waiting for his response, she hung up the call and went back to the window her brother was on. Jacob was busying himself with scribbling some notes on a notepad.

“Sorry about that.”

He looked up at the screen, setting his pen down. “Who was that?”

“A potential headache.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Just a headache.”

Jacob smirked. “Yeah? Sounds like a boyfriend to me.”

“Jacob Martin!”

He laughed loudly, holding a hand up as he patted the air. “Okay, okay. I get it. Dropping it now.”

Anastasia smiled as she sighed, realizing how much she missed her brother being around. He mentioned coming to visit from time to time, but between working and trying to find his place in the world, she knew that it was almost impossible. Air fare wasn’t cheap and while she could afford to fly him out if he wanted, there was the internal worry about him judging her ties with former gangsters. Their home life wasn’t peaches and cream, but it was far from unsavory. What family was perfect?

Even so, she still wondered what her brother would think of her if she told him she was having a child out of wedlock.

Once the heavy topic of her work environment was no longer the focus, the two of them were able to engage in lighter conversation. Again, Jacob mentioned coming to visit her in South Korea, mostly because he wanted to see the country she’d called home for the last three and a half years. The place was full of beauty and splendor. There were many things about the land that helped heal her from the horrible fall she’d had over her broken dreams. While she may not have been a chef and restaurant owner like she wanted, her current occupation brought her to this place.

The path she walked led her to Seokjin, the man she loved.

Half an hour passed and she realized that it was getting late. She worried that she was keeping Jacob up longer than normal.

“You should probably get some rest,” she said, noting the tired look in Jacob’s eyes, “you have the overnight shift this week, don’t you?”

Jacob stifled a yawn. “Yeah, but it’s fine. I need to make sure that Phillip did his homework.”

“Let Elena worry about that.”

He nodded, waving a hand back and forth to her. Anastasia wished to ruffle his hair like she often did when they were teenagers. A painful wave of nostalgia overtook her and she did her best not to cry, cursing herself for all the pregnancy hormones throwing her out of whack. Jacob didn’t seem to notice as he finished off his bottle of water.

“Mm, alright. I guess I’ll try to get some sleep. G’night, ‘Stasia.”

Anastasia rubbed at her eyes to keep the tears from falling. “Goodnight, Jake.”

The blip noise sounded after the call ended and Anastasia was left with only silence. She curled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as she buried her face into her knees. A weak sob was all she could muster, mourning the lack of family around her to tell her that everything was going to be okay. That her worries would be for nothing and that she would be happy. That she deserved to be happy, despite all of her failures.

For a moment, all she could do was sob quietly to herself. There were so many missed opportunities to empty her soul to her brother. He would have understood and encouraged her. Jacob would have told her that she was strong, that she was one of the strongest people he knew, and that this little bump in the road was just one pothole on the way to glory. Their parents would have told her she was shameful for carrying another man’s child when she hadn’t even so much as been introduced to his family. That it was a disgrace to have a child as an unmarried woman. People did it all the time, but not her family. Not the D’Angelo’s.

Anastasia didn’t know how long she was curled up in her chair. She was pretty sure that she’d drifted off at some point. Her limbs ached from scrunching herself up into a ball and they protested as she tried to straighten herself out. A hand rubbed at her stomach while the other wiped the moisture from her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Baby,” she whispered, rubbing circles over her belly, “I didn’t mean to cramp you up like that.”

She stretched her legs out, then her arms, before standing. Grabbing the mug, she made her way downstairs. She’d barely made it into the kitchen before the front door burst open and in walked Seokjin, looking flustered and haggard. The mug slipped from her hands and fell into the sink with a loud clatter as she spun around the moment he stalked into the kitchen.

“W-What are you doing?!” Anastasia managed to stammer out, taking a step back as Seokjin quickly closed the distance between them. “You’re supposed to be at work!”

“You hung up on me!”

“That’s because you were acting crazy!”

Anastasia peered around him, hoping that Jimin had the wherewithal to at least follow so she could drag Seokjin back to the office. She frowned, ducking under his arm and bolting from into the living room. He was practically on her heels.

This was insane!

Stopping short, she whirled on her heels and Seokjin had to raise himself up onto the balls of his feet to keep from crashing into her. She stuck her hand out.

“Phone. Now.”

He blinked down at her. “What? No!”

“Gimme the phone, Seokjin!”

His eyes narrowed, issuing his silent refusal. Anastasia didn’t care as she took a step forward, her hands lunging out to reach into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. He wasn’t fast enough to move out of the way and her fingers quickly found the item. When he tried to snatch it back from her, she twirled so that her back was facing him.

Her thumb slid over the dots to form the pattern needed to unlock his phone and she immediately dialed Jimin. As the phone rang, Seokjin tried to take the phone back but Anastasia was already half running, half jumping up the stairs toward the loft. Jimin answered before the second ring could finish.

“Hyung! Where did you go?!”

“Jimin-ah, you tell your boss to take his ass back to work!”

“A-Ana Noona? What are you—?”

“Do you hear me?” Her feet landed on the top step and she turned around to stick her foot out, her heel planting itself against Seokjin’s chest to keep him from moving any closer to her. “He has fivemeetings today and one of them is in twenty minutes. How could you let him leave the office in the first place?!”

“I’m sorry, Noona. I tried! But Seokjin Hyung hit me. He hit me in the chest and I was horrified!”

She shot him a glare. “He did what now?”

“He’s never hit me. I didn’t know what to do! I was caught off guard! I’m sorry. I’ll come over right now.”

Anastasia hung up the phone and tossed it back to Seokjin. She then pointed downstairs. “Out.”

He pouted. “Anastasia, come on…”

“Go back to work!” Her eyes narrowed. “If I end up having to take you backto the office, I’m going to work and I’m gonna make every second of your life a living hell while I’m there. Do you understand me?”

Seokjin gave her the once over, as if trying to surmise if she really would do it. He knew better. At least she hoped he knew better. She was as stubborn as a mule and if he thought, for even one second, that she was playing around, then he’d rue the day he ever hired her. She wasn’t going to back down from this and an angry pregnant woman was not a variable that Kim Seokjin would be in a hurry to deal with.

After a moment, he sighed and leaned against the wall. “…alright, you win.” He held his hands up, turning to head downstairs. “I’ll go.”

She stayed upstairs, waiting to hear him put on his shoes and open the door. When she didn’t hear it close, however, Anastasia smiled and shook her head. “I’ll see you tonight,” she called down to him, “have a good day.”

“…love you.”

Her cheeks flushed slightly and she walked down a few steps so she could see his pitiful face.

She laughed.

“I love you too.”

#hyunglinenetwork #btsbookclub #networkbangtan #btswritingcafe #btswriterscollective #bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts fanfics #kpop fanfiction #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfics #bts mafia au #bts mafia!au #bts crime au #bts crime!au #bts angst #bts x angst #bts x romance #bts romance #bts ot7 #ot7 bts #thebiasrekkers #bts thebiasrekkers #make it right bts #bts make it right

[pearwaldorf]

fanwork roundup 2019

LIST OF FANWORKS NSFW is denoted with an asterisk. All Good Omens is Aziraphale/Crowley unless noted. the last witness before the wave hits (Good Omens, gen) can you feel my heart beat fast (I want it to last, need you by my side) (Good Omens) *well you laughed baby it's okay (it's buzzcut season anyway) (Good Omens) take care to leave a trace (KOTOR 2; Jedi Exile/everybody, Jedi Exile/Visas Marr) of some other man's belief (Good Omens, gen) I've got this feeling, so appealing, for us to get together and sing (Good Omens, gen) [archive-locked work] (RPF) I knew that sullen hall (Good Omens/Dragon Age: Inquisition crossover) *we gladiate but I guess we're really fighting ourselves (The Last Jedi; Finn/Poe/Rey/Rose) healing spirit (Good Omens) [archive-locked work] (RPF) better than anything else that I've tried (Good Omens) gotta blame it on the goose (Good Omens/Untitled Goose Game crossover) *don't know you super well but you might be the same as me (Good Omens) sleeping at last (Good Omens) *don't need a crown to know that I'm a queen (Good Omens) *just let me try (and I will be good to you) - an Anthonavery RPF (Slow Show) *I can make you boil up baby, let it simmer (Slow Show) an instrument of thy vision (Rise of Skywalker; Finn) Tumblr ficlets I also did two challenges this year: Ineffable Fictober and Drabbletober. TOTAL WORD COUNT 

62423!!! By fandom: Good Omens: 36697 Star Wars: 7421 RPF: 5808 KOTOR 2: 2505 Dragon Age: Inquisition: 1105 Everything else (Critical Role, MCU, Hannibal, Mass Effect): 8887

OVERALL THOUGHTS 

Oh god it was so good to get my words back, and not only that, surpass my word count for my previous best year. The past two years have been super fucking bad for writing, and to be able to write with ease and joy againi feels like a marvelous gift, and I am grateful. And copypasta from last year, because it seems worth repeating: If, despite everything, you were able to produce work this year, congratulations. And if you couldn't, that's okay too. Next year will hopefully be better. 

PERSONAL BEST/FAVORITE I really do feel like I leveled up as a writer this year. The words were good and they came easily. I branched out a lot this year: RPF, really strange metafic, things that should be fic but the thing it's fic of doesn't actually exist. I had a lot of fun writing all of it. 

MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED (IMO) 

I feel like everything was appreciated the right amount. I would have loved more people to have seen I knew that sullen hall, but niche crossovers are hard to attract attention.

MOST POPULAR

well you laughed baby it's okay, aka the hair-pulling fic. People really seemed to like it an almost disproportionate amount to its length and quality. Maybe it was exactly what fandom wanted at the time. Also somebody tried to plagiarize it so I guess that must mean they liked it a lot. :P 

STORY WITH THE SEXIEST MOMENT Don't need a crown to know that I'm a queen. I like stories where characters know they're a snack and aren't afraid to show it off.

MOST FUN STORY TO WRITE 

Gotta blame it on the goose, for sure. It's so silly.

STORY THAT SHIFTED MY OWN PERCEPTION OF A CHARACTER

I knew that sullen hall. I never spent a whole lot of time with Blackwall, so it was interesting to get into his head for a bit. And in the course of writing the story, I had to think about things that he and Aziraphale would have in common, and it was useful character work for both of them.

HARDEST 

Of some other man's belief was a strange, recalcitrant story where I never really knew where I was going with it. All I know is it wanted to be written very very badly.  

BIGGEST SURPRISE/S 

The fake RPF I did for the Slow Show universe. The everything I wrote in the Slow Show universe. But it was great fun, and the Warlock Party House is a wonderful group of people. 

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT  

I wanted to get out a vid this year, but I don't think that's going to happen. 

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TELLING STORY 

Like I say every year, all my shit is out in the open.  

FAVOURITE LINES/SCENES

Occasionally, as she is drifting off, she feels something shift in her awareness of him, like the brush of a hand on a curtain.(from we gladiate but I guess we're really fighting ourselves) “Jesus fucking christ, angel. You can’t just say things like that.” “Leave that poor boy out of this. Now tell me, do you like the red or the black better?” (from Ineffable Fictober prompt "anything you like") He reached up to grab the other man’s hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing. Come for me, he tried to communicate with his touch. Flood me with your release. (from just let me try. I was writing it intentionally badly but sometimes I'm not sure people got that 😆) 

LINES/SCENES YOU’D CHANGE 

I try not to think about it because then I'll want to change them and then I'll never stop fiddling. 

TOP FIVE SCENES YOU WISH WOULD BE ILLUSTRATED

The alley scene in can you feel my heart beat fast Nanny, Warlock, and Aziraphale at the concert in I've got this feeling Crowley tending Aziraphale's hands in healing spirit This chapter (wings) from Ineffable Fictober Crowley chasing after the goose 

2020 WRITING AMBITIONS

As always, a look at last year's:

(Creative) Survival is still a laudable ambition. I will endeavor to produce as much as I can creatively, and hopefully exceed this year's incredibly pathetic word count. I haven't made a vid in a while, and I have a new NLE (VEGAS Pro 15) to take for a spin. Art is also part of resistance, and integrating it more into my life will be good. 

I think I did pretty well with the first two. Didn't make a vid, but I'm starting on one now. Good Omens was more important to me this year than I realized. Coming off Endgame, I needed something to feel excited about, and Good Omens is a very enthusiastic fandom. It also got me through the lead-up and release of Rise of Skywalker. For a while I was deeply suspicious a shoe was going to drop re: how much fun I was having in GO fandom because it felt too easy. People weren't wanking the day away (or I could avoid those that were) and they were so happy to love on the characters. And then I realized no, that's actually how it should feel to be in a fandom community. So I guess that's one of the things I'm going to do next year: prioritize joy, especially when it comes to fandom. I've never been exactly bad at writing whatever the fuck I want, but that is something I should continue to do. I would like to write something long with at least a modicum of plot. I am bad at both of these things, and it would be nice to prove to myself I can if I wanted to. I am going to try and make two vids next year and see if I can learn Vegas 15 and maybe another NLE. I also want to get a captioning/transcription guide up for fans who want to make their vids more accessible, as somebody asked about it.

#/ #// #/// #//// #///// #long post for ts #fanwork roundup

[thesportssoundoff]

A Return To Normalcy Through Rotterdam; UFC Fight Card Preview

Joey

August 30th

So y'all ready to get back to common sense yet? If so then the MMA world gets back to doing it's usual with a card from Rotterdam, Netherlands by way of the UFC. It's a Fight Pass show which means its quality ranks somewhere between "Oh that looks intriguing" and "Oh my god what is this garbage?!" It's also been damaged by injuries up and down the build but we can get to that. The headliner is a really intriguing HW fight between former Bellator HW Alexander Volkov and UFC long timer Stefan Struve. The co-main was supposed to be a VERY intriguing on paper fight between Germaine De Randamie and Marion Reneau but GDR pulled out and so Brazilian Talita de Oliveira is tasked with taking the fight. The main card undercard stuff is blecch (Barberena vs Edwards should be dull but important and worth watching) BUT there's some very intriguing preliminary stuff worth keeping your eye on.  It's been a while so let's run through our metrics before we delve into this show:

Fights: 12? (Thibault Gouti vs Andrew Holbrook seems to be confirmed except not really except hold on except yeah except no so...)

Debuts:   7 (Mads Burnell, Talita de Oliveira, Rob Wilkinson, Aleksandr Rakic, Zabit Magomedsharipov, Mike Santiago, Abdul-Kerim Edilov)

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: (Abu Azatair out, Rob Wilkinson IN vs Siyar Bahadurzada/ Germaine de Randamie out, Talita de Oliveira IN vs Marion Reneau/ Marcos Rogerio de Lima vs Sairbek Saparov cancelled/ Nick Hein out, Mike Santiago IN vs Zabit Magomedsharipov/Islam Mackachev out, Mads Burnell IN vs Michel Prezares)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 4 (Marion Reneau, Stefan Struve, Andrew Holbrook, Rustam Khabilov)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:  1 (Thibault Gouti)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 6 (Leon Edwards, Alexander Volkov, Stefan Struve, Mairbek Taisumov, Michel Prezares, Rustam Khabilov)

Stat Monitor for 2017:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 22-20)- Mads Burnell, Talita de Oliveira, Rob Wilkinson, Aleksandr Rakic, Zabit Magomedsharipov, Mike Santiago, Abdul-Kerim Edilov

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 17-21)- Rob Wilkinson, Talita de Oliveira, Mads Burnell, Mike Santiago

Second Fight (Current number: 22-25)-  Desmond Green, Felipe Silva

Cage Corrosion (8-5)- Siyar Bahadurzada, Mairbek Taisumov, Thibault Gouti

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- Let's start with the main event. Along with, say, Curtis Blaydes, Francis Ngannou, Junior Albini and Justin Ledet, it's reasonable to refer to Volkov as one of the fresher faces in the HW division. He's 2-0  in the division with wins over credible names although to deem them impressive wins would probably be stretching it. On the other hand, Stefan Struve is the second longest tenured current UFC heavyweight behind JDS. He probably is what he is; a well rounded competent big guy who will never dance among the elites of the division no matter how many wins he racks up. There is a ceiling and he's just about hit it, incoming jokes about his height aside. At the same time, the same could be said about Alexander Volkov who has already won gold elsewhere, is probably maxed out in terms of his potential and his place in the MMA universe. It's a good fight but one where the only upside for the winner is getting squashed by one of the top stars in the division.

2- Does Stefan Struve finally showcase some head movement in a fight or has that horse left the barn?

3- Stipe probably fights either Cain or Ngannou, JDS is suspended for PEDs, Overeem has fought Struve before, Werdum is fighting Lewis----so who does the winner of this thing face?

4- Bryan Barberena's run since defeating Sage Northcutt; main card fight vs highly touted Warrely Alves, prelim fight against a better version of himself in Colby Covington, undercard rebound fight vs a good fighter in Joe Proctor and now a Fight Pass card fight vs really great stylistic matchup in Leon Edwards. I'm sure it's nothing personal.

5- So one of the things which has been discussed recently is the development of Leon Edwards' overall MMA game and where he can fit into the welterweight scene. Edwards has always showcased solid defensive wrestling but since his loss to Kamaru Usman, it's like he's discovered the importance of offensive wrestling as well.  We've seen his hands before but the challenge is always going to be whether he can show everything all at once (plus unleashing his usually good kicks more consistently) as he moves up the ranks. Edwards could be a sleeper at 170 lbs.

6- Mairbek Taisumov went from potentially fighting Anthony Pettis in the Spring to fighting Felipe Silva on the prelims of a Fight Pass card for no good reason other than that Pettis didn't want the fight (unless there's some VISA issue with Taisumov). MMA is harsh sometimes.

7- I wonder if people realize how good the LW and WW fights on this card are.  Even if I have zeo interest in watching Edwards vs Barberena, it's a worthwhile fight at 170 lbs given that both guys are under 30 at a division that's in need of a few new guys to freshen up the scene a little.  Darren Till vs Bojan Velikovic is a really good fight that figures to be action packed judged by Till's prior performance and Bojan's career resume of crazy action fights. At 155 lbs, Mairbek Taisumov is all action all the time and Felipe Silva had a very impressive UFC debut. Michel Prezares is starting to finish fights now plus you have a debuting fighter in Mads Burnell who will likely be a tough challenge for what Prezares likes to do. Rustam Khaiblov vs Desmond Green is a stylistic nightmare (two cardio heavy wrestlers) but both are deserving of their plaudits plus they have enough other tools to not be completely one dimensional. Ignore the fight between Thibault Gouti and Andrew Holbrook for a second because it's kinda trash.

8- Mike Santiago fought on the Dana White Tuesday Night Contender's Series last Tuesday at 155 lbs. He'll travel to Rotterdam to fight a top level prospect in Zabit Magomedsharipov at 145 lbs. MMA, again, is fucking harsh.

9- Marion Reneau vs Talita de Oliveira is primarily interesting if only to see how long it takes Reneau to get the job done. She is at times a play with her food type fighter.

10- I wonder if the UFC will mention the ties that Abdul-Kerim Edilov's ties to the Chechen dictator? Can't really run from it, ya know?

11- Bojan Mihajlovic and Thibault Gouti on the same card oh lord help us.

12- With Brian Stann likely stepping out and new commentators possibly stepping up, I wonder if Dan Hardy will up his game?

Must Wins

Alexander Volkov

You can say plenty of things about Stefan Struve but one thing you can't say is that he loses to nobodies. His worst loss is probably Jared Rosholt but just about every fighter who has beat him has either been in a #1 contender fight or fought for the title. Struve's fought two former UFC champs (JDS and Miocic) plus guys who fought for the title like Overeem and Hunt. Volkov is 28, he's well rounded, he's got size to him and he fights in a division where your ability is your activity. A win over Struve and the doors are wide open.

Darren Till

We know this shit is said all the time BUT the UK is going to need new faces eventually.  Darren Till, despite training/living out in Brazil, can be one of those guys given his youth, skill set and his size. After gassing out hard vs Nicholas Dalby, Till took some time off, healed up, missed weight (:/) and returned to put on a really impressive display of skills vs Jessin Ayari. Bojan Velickovic is a different animal entirely, simply a much better fighter than Ayari plus a tougher stylistic matchup. This is a good test for Till.

Mairbek Taisumov

If Mairbek Taisumov was Glenn Johnson, he'd be headlining an event at this point. That's not to suggest that the UFC is holding him back because he's Russian but to point out that no big name wants to fight some unknown Russian dude who seemingly only fights, suspiciously, in the UK these days. Taisumov is a fantastic striker with other aspects of his game rounding out but he needs this win vs Felipe Silva because at some point a dude who has finished five fights in a row will be due for a big step up.

Five Fights You Shouldn't Miss

1- Mairbek Taisumov vs Felipe Silva

Mairbek Taisumov has finished four fights in a row, he's gotten two 50K bonuses in a row, and he's fighting an unheralded Brazilian who finished his UFC debut vs a good striker. That's all ya need really.

2- Leon Edwards vs Brian Barberena

This may not be a pretty fight but it's a divisionally relevant fight with implications on the UK fight scene. If Edwards turns out to be what we all figure he CAN be then maybe the UK has a new top 10 WW to get really excited about.

3- Alexander Volkov vs Stefan Struve

Two stand up strikers at a division where one punch can end the night for both guys? I mean it should be fun. Struve is almost always fun.

4- Francimar Barroso vs Aleksandr Rakic

I would never ever ever ever suggest a Framcimar fight BUT Aleksandr Rakic is a really intriguing 205 lb fighter under 30 years old. We know that division needs help so let's see if he's a guy who can do something.

5- Zhabit Magomedsharipov vs Mike Santiago

Mark Henry, Frankie Edgar and Eddie Alvarez have all raved about Zhabit so his UFC debut is of some interest to me. More importantly I wanna see how Mike Santiago looks after fighting a week ago at 155 lbs.

#MMA #UFC #Fight Night #Fight Pass #Struve #Volkov #Europe

[abnahaya]

I’m a Paradox and Today I’m Overwhelmed

I like to describe myself as a paradox, I always try to embrace the “two sides of a coin” that lies within me, many times two opposites. Yesterday was one of the days when I was overwhelmed with paradoxical emotions, leaving me a bit confused myself about what to feel.

I got the news that my grandfather passed away yesterday. He was always a quiet person, I never talked much with him even though I visit him yearly, but he was a pretty cool person. I remember when my then boyfriend –now husband, visited my family to ask my hand in marriage –and my mum dragged him to visit all my grandparents as well, my grandpa who had already blind gently said that he was happy for us. He kept trying to make a conversation with Jake even though he couldn’t talk in English. How Jake slowly held his hand and helped him to walk around the house was probably the cutest thing. I always thought of my grandpa as a cute person –maybe because all my grandpas dotted me, so I had a soft spot for elderly men. Grandpa’s death wasn’t a surprise for us because he was old and even though he didn’t have any terminal illness, he became a lot weaker ever since he lost his sight from cataract, my family had always silently known that he didn’t have much time left.

Unfortunately, life has been tough on this side too. It’s a lot harder for me to get a job here, even simple ones –maybe due to my visa, or my too-Indonesian background, idk. Being at home all the time, I used up a little too much of our internet quota, so I had to hold myself a lot to use the internet for at least the next two weeks. That’s why I received the news about grandpa a bit too late, and I couldn’t answer the videocall from my family when they arrived at his funeral. I told them my condolences and everything but of course, as an Indonesian with a communal family, I felt very guilty for not doing “enough” to show my loss of grandpa. Not that I even know how to make it right, either.

As I was on my phone, I looked up to the social media and alas! People were freaking out! Turned out the parliament and the government of Indonesia had been enacting problematic and controversial bill, KUHP (penal code) while putting an important and hard-fought bill on hold: RUU PKS (prevention of sexual violence bill). One of the activists that I follow on Instagram went on a rally to protest and updated the development through her Instagram stories (she was later invited to join the meeting in when the parliament discuss about the importance of the anti-sexual violence bill, along with the opposition mass), and confirmed how the bill was once again put on hold despite of some parliament member who supported the bill. The penal code, on the other hand, was by the skin of our teeth. Imagine when you could get thrown into jail because a consensual sex, and the one reporting you is the village chief who you don’t even know. Yes, jail term for men and women who have sex outside of marriage –or even merely living together as roommate, someone who talks about sex and contraception even for educational purposes, and even forbid abortions for any reason but medical complications. And that’s just some pieces of it. I am terrified for my nation.

I tried to get a grip of myself and try to be positive for the rest of my day. I remembered that I’ve got a dance class to sign up for. After facing all my cultural problem trying to ask my husband to pay for the class, and even though I might not be able to post too much excitement for the sake of self-modesty in such a bad atmosphere between my social circle, I thought at least, I could escape the misery. I asked a tarot reader before, on a free card pull session of yes/no question, and she said I should go to the dance class (I was hesitating because I feel bad to spend money for leisure when money is tight in our household) and so I was getting more determined to go! Unfortunately, once again, life squeezed a lemon on my freshly wounded heart. The dance class was sold out. Apparently, I the website didn’t display the “sold out” sign on the mobile version, I only found out when I opened it in my PC, as I tried to pay. And that was the last dance session before summer (it’s still springs here until December).

Between all the depressing mood, my best friend texted me. She heard about my grandpa and gave her condolences. After a brief talk, she asked for my bank account number. I was confused, I wasn’t the one to whom she could give consolation money too. But she said, she just wanted to “treat” me to buy boba tea or any snacks, because she missed me, and she hoped I could remember her while getting my treats. That was it, I couldn’t help it anymore. I cried silently. It was the sweetest thing! I was so touched that I almost forgot my sorrows, my heart warmed up in an instant.

And then I remember my meditation that morning –if it could be called a meditation, but hey, I’m trying! I told myself –and whoever was listening to my inner voice, that I wanted to live in the present. I somehow remembered the big message I got from the Summer Healing session: live in the present, and also from the book I read for it, Love Without Conditions by Paul Ferrini: I don’t have to seek happiness, it’s not in the place with ifs; “If I have enough money…”, “If I were in Bali….”, “If tomorrow we do this…”, happiness is today, now, at this very moment. And so, when I asked myself that evening, after gotten my heart break from sadness, guilt, disappointment, fear, and some warm fuzzy feeling when someone care: did I deserve to be happy? Does it make me a bad person to be happy whilst others are not?

No. I could be happy, and maybe I was happy. Of course, it didn’t make me a bad person, because this was my happiness. You get it? It’s a paradox. You can be happy and sad and disappointed and content and afraid and relieved and angry and calm at the same time, in fact, it’s what we are most of the times! We’re human and life is crazy, we encounter so many things in one day, heck even in one minute that can create many feelings inside us. It’s the prove we’re alive. Only a lot of times, we think about a particular thing or feeling so much –mostly negative ones, we forget that we still have other feelings filling our heart to. Or at other times, we force ourselves to feel only happiness, and denying other feelings, which drives us to a toxic positivity.

The trick of being a paradox is to just be one. Feel everything that’s coming to your plate and make yourself full, then let it go for another day. Your feelings are all valid and they are there for you. Feeling something doesn’t determine your worth, doing something does. It reminds me of a statement of a psychotherapist I quoted for my IGTV discussion: “it’s not the whole person that’s toxic, but it’s their behaviour or the relationship you have with them.” For example, if instead of writing this post I wrote a tweet saying: “Fuck you all pussies, suck it up, our country is a shit hole. But idc, I’m happy today!” Well, I’m an asshole, because by then I value others’ feelings less and probably denying my own negative feelings too. When it comes to social context, it’s always better to realize the boundaries –which I would save for another day’s post.

But basically, I just wanna say that it’s okay to be overwhelmed with life. It’s fucking normal. What I do is that I embrace it into my identity and try to do what I can for the better, even only signing an online petition or writing a blog post. Cherish yourself first!

[randomishnickname]

Pouring your soul out to strangers on the internet - a case study

Allright, buckle up kids, it's story time.

When I turned sixteen, some significant changes happened in my life. My brothers moved out and I was suddenly alone a lot in my little village. I had decided that I was no longer a nerd, but rather the cool chick who listened to black metal, wore destroyed shoes and got drunk with hobos on week-ends. And I started pouring my soul out to a 35-year old man I had never met. This last part is what this story is about.

We had hit it off on a public chatroom and I installed MSN just to talk with him. He lived a few hundred kilometers away, he had no job and a lot of time on his hands, he was depressed. He was interesting and funny and, most importantly, he found me interesting. I could act out my new edgy persona with him, and he believed it! We chatted almost every evening, all night long.

At the beginning I bragged a lot about my new "cool kid" adventures, about how I attended a concert in another city in secret, or the time I rammed a knife in my knee while drunk, trying to make it sound more epic than it was. I couldn't talk to my parents about it, obviously, but he was another adult I could maybe shock and trick into thinking I wasn't a boring bookworm. It kind of worked. But soon I found myself also telling him all about my existential fears, about how miserable I felt almost all the time, about my suicide and mutilation fantasies.

He listened, and cared, and asked questions, so I also told him about my school life, my homeworks, my friends. He talked to me about his depression, about his day-to-day life, send me text fragments he wrote. We shared links about everything we found interesting or funny. I would improvise pep-talks to try to talk him into being active and taking care of himself. He found it endearing, I think.

Sometimes he'd be the reasonable adult, telling me to go to bed when it was 1AM and I had to wake up to go to school five hours later. He was my trustworthy confident, my protector, my internet friend. He was there for me during one of the worst time of my teenage life, and he didn't judge me like I thought my parents would. He was important to me.

I kept some things from him. That I wore braces. My full name, my home adress, the name of my school. That I had never dated anyone, and that a lot of my bragging about getting drunk and making out was widely extrapolated from my very scarce real life experiences.

Rather quickly he had found a picture of me buried somewhere deep in one of my old blogs, and had found me "very cute". I remember the short rush of panic I felt when he told me he had discovered that picture. For years the mousepad of the family computer had been a big, ugly spider with advice on how to safely surf on the web: 

Never give a stranger your name. Never give a stranger your address. Never give a stranger your phone number. Never send a stranger pictures of you.

I had broken the elementary safety rules! Someone out there knew how I looked like! I was frightened, but also thrilled. I was doing something forbidden, flirting with danger! Who gave a fuck about safety rules anyway? I wasn't a kid anymore. I sent him a picture of me flipping him off, and when he later asked me for my phone number, I gave it to him.

We started sending each other texts throughout the day in addition to chatting in the evening. Sometimes I would send pictures of my school life. My broken shoes, the pictures I drew on my hands, me chugging wine because, remember, I was cool now. My friends were curious with whom I spend so much time texting, but I never told them who it was. I was very much aware that having a man more than twice my age as my new confident would not be perceived well. I finally had a secret, a taboo relationship! I felt like the heroine from a romantic novel.

I sent him a poem I wrote about him.

He sent me a picture he drew of me.

I sent him a Christmas package with homemade cookies and gloves because I knew he was cold and had no  money to buy himself some.

I sent him a cute birthday letter.

It was all very innocent, except for when it wasn't.

From the beginning on, there was an undercurrent of flirt in our exchanges sometimes. He's ask questions about my sexuality, and I answered as crudely and shamelessly as possible (because I wasn't a repressed puritan, yo!). He'd compliment my appearance, tell me I was lovely. It was all new to me, and I had very conflicted feelings about all of it. I dreaded it as much as I enjoyed it. I pushed and teased, and was surprised when he reacted in consequence.

I told him I wanted to go to Russia, and he told me he had enough money spared that we could take a short trip to Moscow together. I'd need a visa application. He was ready to go whenever.

I'd send him a picture of me intentionally showing some cleavage, and was shocked and flattered when he commented on my curves.

He told me in a detour of phrase that he loved me, and I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. I was very upset, but also pleased. I thougt about it for days, and had no idea how to react. I wanted him to be a perfectly platonic friend, I hated that he could think of me sexually, and still I wished for him to be madly in love with me.

I told him I would come visit him in the summer after I graduated, and we'd go to the beach together. I had fantasies about meeting him, and having hot sex, and that we'd somehow heal each other. It was taboo, it was forbidden, it was wrong. A much older man, enamored with me, a young girl, lusting after me! That was the narrative of so many books and movies. Again, novel heroine feeling. It made me feel powerful, and vulnerable. I spent a lot of time daydreaming about it.

He'd act protective, almost paternal sometimes, would call me sweet, possessive nicknames and ask me why I didn't wear nice sundresses instead of my frumpy baggy jeans. Sometimes I was pissed off, sometimes it made me giggly and happy. It was all very confusing.

I was excited, curious, and weirded out. What was a game, what wasn't? I didn't know. I didn't really dare to ask. I don't kow what he really meant, what he really felt. I don't know if I wanted the answer back then.

Our exchanges lasted half a year.

So how did it end?

I started dating. He acted grumpy and jealous. I was suddenly happy in my day-to-day life, and the unarticulated sense of unease, of wrongness I felt in regard to our online relationship, festered. The daily chats became weekly, and laborious. Then he asked me upfront why we didn't talk like we used to anymore. I sent him a handwritten letter laced with tears, saying that I was afraid of what he might feel for me, afraid he was attracted to me, that I thought I had led him on, deceived him, and that I'd rather break off all contact. He left me alone after that.

I wasn't stalked, I wasn't guilt-tripped (much). I never had contact to that man since then. There was nothing spectacular. But to this day, I've never talked about this whole story with people close to me. It's one of my only real secrets. I don't really know why it all matters to me so much after all this time, why it's still such a sore spot, why I shed a few tears writing this.

It took me a long time to be able to articulate all of this. It took me a long time to accept that, even if I very much felt so, I wasn't an adult at sixteen. It wasn't me who was at fault. I couldn't have "known better"; I had no experience in flirting, in relationships, in anything. I was sixteen.

He is the one who should have known better than to take my escapist fantasies seriously. He is the one who should have said "all fun and games, girl, but none of this will ever happen". He is the one who should have checked if I was comfortable with some of his flirting, and should have ceased as soon as I manifested some unease. It took me a long time to accept that I didn't wrong him. I'm still afraid I broke his heart, or that I had a negative influence on his very real mental health problems. Maybe I’m taking my impact on his life too seriously.

I don't think he was a "predator". I don't think he meant any harm. I think he was just a lonely guy who projected some of his fantasies on me and thought I was more mature than I was. I’m sure he genuinely cared about me.

Five years later and I still feel guilty and ashamed for "breaking up" with him. I think about him every other day.

I hope he's alright.

I hope he forgave me.

Maybe I'll send him this. I still know his e-mail by heart.

So what's the moral of this story? Is there any? 

I'm not sure, but here's what you can maybe learn from this: The internet is a wonderful place, and some the encounters you make are thrilling and life-changing, but be careful of who you trust and how much of your heart you pour out.

Set boundaries. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable head-on. It's not a joke. Just because it's online doesn't mean it is not real, or not important. Ask yourself if this is really a safe space to explore your sexuality and self-identity.

Listen to the ugly spider and build yourself a safety net. Keep some armor on. Listen to your gut feeling and don't share any information you don't feel comfortable sharing. Don't be afraid to cut contact to a person when you feel uneasy. You owe them nothing.

Ask yourself why you keep secrets from friends and family, and maybe talk to someone about it. Don't stay all alone with your questions and fears. They will probably understand better than you give them credit for.

And, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. You were young. Forgive yourself.

#storytime #life experience #internet story #internet advice #relationship advice #relationships #boundaries #healing #learning #don't know how to tag this obviously #if you have had similar experience maybe come talk to me? #talking to strangers

[super-heroic-incredible-team]

Crazy Train: Part one

WE’RE GOIIIN’ OFF THE RAAAIILS ON THIS CRAAZY TRAAAAIIN!

Not yet, though. First they have to get inside the city, and that’s a herculean task all its own.

Everyone’s nice and well-rested now that things have calmed down and they’ve returned to Woodhearth. In return for getting new weapons, restocking their healing items, and free room and board at the inn, the party helps rebuild some of the damage caused by the freak storms. Sladek departs and returns to his quest to relocate his family, and he bids everyone farewell. The dragon brothers decide they’ve had their fill and depart as well, though should our party need them again they will be more than willing to aid them.

The party first tries to return to the temple grounds of the cultists -- Grogarath didn’t get ALL of the treasure and wants to go back for the rest -- but they’re unable to relocate it as if it never existed at all. Apparently Glune’s offer was only good for that one night, much to Grogarath’s incredible annoyance. However, there are more pressing matters. Specifically, Warren wants to visit his hometown of Farroway to share the tales of his adventures and the knowledge he’s gained, as well as refine and publish the particularly important journals and check on his family and friends.

The rest of the group sans Pun’era, who has no idea what Farroway is like, are incredibly unhappy about this. Everyone in the western half of Galadrion knows how infamous Farroway is for its prejudice against non humans. Warren assures them that the stories are highly exaggerated and it’s not nearly that bad a place, but they are not convinced. Rather than make the long journey to Farroway on foot, the group rides Riley. They can’t land her within the city’s border due to a barrier spell, so they have to try going in through the front gate.

When they get there, the two men manning the entrance ask for their identification and proof of citizenship, visas, diplomat visitation, or refugee status paperwork. Warren’s able to get in easily because he’s a Farroan citizen; all he has to do is give them his name and they find him in their traveler’s registry and allow him to come in. Obviously no one else has any of the IDs or forms they requested, so they aren’t allowed in until they fill out the proper paperwork for a temporary visa.

All twenty pages of paperwork per person. We rolled to see how much paperwork would have to be filled out and got a fucking NAT 20 THE ONE TIME IT WAS THE LITERAL WORST THING THEY COULD GET. And just to make our characters suffer more, half of the paperwork stack is completely unnecessary busy work they’re required to give non humans at the city entrance if they don’t have special status or anything because Fuck ‘Em.

Warren tries to get them in easier by claiming they’re his personal bodyguards and servants, but the gatekeepers still insist they fill out the papers. Antella tries to get them to at least reduce the paperwork by telling them they’re close personal friends of a Brastirion. Since Brastirions are one of the legendary families and practically grand royalty among Farroans, she’s sure that name dropping Sladek will earn them some leniency.

Unfortunately, the gatekeepers are staunchly lawful neutral and insist that Rules Are Rules and being friends with Sladek isn’t just cause for an exception to be made, not that it matters since many Farroans consider him a “fake” Brastirion due to being resistant. Grogarath threatens to just beat them up, but Warren and Antella are quick to shut down that idea because SERIOUSLY WE DON’T WANT TO BE CRIMINALS WE HAVEN’T EVEN STEPPED PAST THE GATE DAMMIT.

To save the group some trouble since Pun’era is too much of a simpleton to fill out any of the paperwork, Warren convinces the gatekeepers that she’s a child entrusted to Grogarath, and he adopted her after the brutal murder of her parents. Thankfully, they buy this excuse thanks to a very generous roll, but thanks to a bad dice roll Grogarath now has an extra five pages of paperwork added to his stack. Also, the gatekeepers noticed Riley and Antella admits that she’s her familiar, so (again, thanks to the dice) she has an additional eight pages of paperwork AND is forbidden from summoning her while in Farroway. Defeated and incredibly annoyed, the group leaves the gate and sits somewhere off to the side to fill everything out. 

It takes FIVE GRUELING HOURS, but eventually everything gets done, so they head back to the gate only to discover there is now a long line to get in. Warren tries to ease the group’s nerves by saying it should go by fairly quickly. It winds up taking over an hour before they make it to the gate. Which is now closed for the night, and they’ll have to try again tomorrow. Antella and Grogarath are SO PISSED OFF, but Warren begs them not to take it personally. They reason that they can’t just stay outside; they have a child with them that needs taking care of. The gatekeepers state that if they really need shelter, they can stay over in a giant bunch of neglected-looking rocks and boulders on the other side of the gate.

They look to Warren to try to help them out since they’re his “guards and servants”, but he fucking fails the roll and doesn’t change their mind. He can stay outside the city walls with them, but they’re not allowed in the city since they haven’t turned in the paperwork. Instead of being a loyal friend and staying with them, he ditches them to spend the night in his home and promises to come back for them in the morning when the checkpoint reopens. Until then, he begs them to just stay cool and not cause trouble since, due to being their employer, he’s responsible if they act up.

SO MUCH ANGER FROM GROGARATH AND ANTELLA. THEY JUST WANNA PUNCH HIM AND EVERYONE, but they grudgingly agree to stay outside. He enters the city and leaves them to take refuge among the rocks and boulders. Then, just because the gods hate them, it starts raining and a bunch of their paperwork gets soaked and destroyed, meaning they’ll have to get NEW paperwork and fill everything out all over again.

And I do mean it literally when I say it’s raining because the gods hate them. We’ve started including “Are the gods gonna fuck with us” rolls in our campaigns, and BOY DOES IT KEEP THINGS EXCITING. XD But anyways, back to the party suffering.

The rain ruining their paperwork is the last straw. Grogarath is pissed off, and Antella’s pissed off. They decide to quell their mutual rage by breaking and destroying and attacking several of the rocks like a couple of fucking barbarians. Unfortunately, they’re making an incredible amount of noise, and the town’s law enforcement is sent out to apprehend them. As it turns out, the shitty giant rocks they took their anger out on are actually part of a large scale rock garden and considered valuable. NEVERMIND THE FACT NO ONE SEEMS TO TAKE CARE OF IT AND THE FACT THEY DIDN’T CARE ENOUGH TO PUT IT WITHIN THE CITY WALLS, WE SAY THE ROCKS ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU’RE ALL IN BIG TROUBLE.

They’re so angry they don’t even try to be polite. At least, Grogarath doesn’t. He snarks and sasses and disrespects the FUCK out of them, and they take the whole group to spend the night in jail and contact Warren -- Cuz you know they ratted him out as their “employer” -- and told him about the scene they caused and that he’ll be heavily fined for their misbehavior. Just to spite Warren further, they cause more and more petty trouble in jail until Warren himself is forcibly brought in and forced to deal with them. He’s completely humiliated and absolutely BEGGING THEM PLEASE JUST BEHAVE STOP ACTING LIKE TERRIBLE PEOPLE YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME FINED RIGHT INTO THE POOR HOUSE.

They agree, but only if he spends the night in jail in their cell with them. Which he does because they won’t stop being assholes and getting him into trouble unless he’s basically suffering right alongside them.

The next morning, they fill out all their paperwork and get their visas, which will allow them to stay there two weeks before they have to be renewed. They’re finally able to enjoy the city. Except not really because there’s no accommodations at all for Antella or Grogarath, Grogarath especially because he’s just so extremely Not Human.

First stop: Warren’s old university to have his journals reviewed.

>>> Part 2

#campaigns

[alifeenrouteblog]

72 hours in havana, cuba

Why I went to Havana

 My obsession with getting to Cuba is convoluted. My Uncle Mike was sick for well over a decade; a heart transplant led to lung cancer for the 63-year-old nonsmoker. His wife, my Aunt Suzanne, unexpectedly died in the summer of 2015, which was very hard for everyone in the family. But of course, it was the hardest for Mike; they had been married for 40+ years. We all saw how a part of him died the day Suzanne died.

I could go on and on about how amazing the two of them were but I'll keep it quick. After Suzanne passed, Mike became more obsessed with traveling. I think the depression of losing his one true love drove him to want to do some very ambitious travel. He wasn't well and probably should not have traveled internationally at all, so it took us all for a surprise when he told everyone we would be doing a family trip to Cuba the Christmas after Suzanne died. He wanted to do it before he died. A newly opened country to the US does not sound like the best place for a man struggling to beat cancer. But that was Mike.

I'm not sure if my Dad talked him out of it or if Mike just forgot about it or what exactly happened, but I know the conversation about Cuba stopped after Christmas. Mike passed away that June. Four days after my Uncle Mark (his brother and roommate) died. Yes, that is correct. We lost two uncles/brothers in the span of four days. I wouldn't say I was extremely close with either one of them. Mostly because they were far across the country. But both of them were amazingly kind and loving people. I admired them very much. And I loved them deeply. When they died, I silently went into a deep depression.

At first, it was the pain of seeing my Dad in so much pain. Other than my brother and I, Mike and Mark were his only living immediate family. His parents have both died. The fourth brother David, passed away in an accident in 2005. His brothers were his best friends. Seeing my Dad lose everyone made me want to scream. It was so incredibly painful. My Dad's great at keeping it together but I knew how much he was suffering. And probably still is.

When I got home from the joint funeral, and for the rest of the summer, anytime I got home from the bar or had a couple of glasses of wine in my apartment, I would sob in my bed. For hours. Sometimes, I'd drunk dial my brother and cry to him about how much I missed them. But other than that, I never told anyone how much I was hurting. If you don't understand this next statement, I don't blame you, but it's all I can do to explain the dark place I was in at the time - I had a survivor's guilt. I didn't think I deserved to live while the two best men I knew died in their early sixties. I hated it. At the time, I wasn't proud of anything I'd done. I wasn't suicidal but I just felt like the world would have been better with Mike and Mark than with me. 

I know that's not logical thinking and I eventually healed. I still miss them but I stopped that survivor's guilt thinking. I did want to feel closer to them though and I thought the best way was to do what they always wanted to do - go to Cuba. 

A little less than a year after Mike passed, I went to Cuba - alone, and having done little research. Only for about 72 hours. And about 20 additional hours of travel. I didn't do enough museums, tours, etc. Because I was too nervous about the language barrier and not having enough cash. But fuck it. I did the best I could. It was worth it. 100%.

I cried on the cab ride from the airport to my airbnb. Just seeing this magical, forbidden place and thinking about Mike and Mark. The whole trip was profound. The buildings are beautiful and colorful. When I walked around early in the morning, the streets smelled of men's cologne.

I cried a lot there. I cried because it was so beautiful. I cried because I was grateful to be there. And I cried because I missed Mike and Mark. But I wouldn't change anything. I'd love to go back and spend more time and do the right things.

This was only my second trip alone. My first solo trip I just read on the beach in a sleepy fishing village in Nicaragua. But in Havana there is so much to do and see and I wish I did more. I wish I went to the beach or the museums or some of the tours. Unfortunately, I had a lot of anxiety there. I was too scared to ask for directions or help. But I left that trip with so much confidence and I went on the next trip much more able to navigate big city travel alone.

I didn't wait for the perfect trip, where I was there for 10 days, practiced Spanish, and planed every day’s itinerary. I saw a small window of opportunity and just went for it. Even if I missed a bunch of stuff while I was there.

I don't have all the best advice on what to do there but I think walking around Havana for hours aimlessly is the best. It’s so beautiful. You'll see things there you won't see anywhere else. The smells and sounds are once in a lifetime. 

Here is some logisitical info you might find helpful:

Getting to Cuba

I planned for a five days trip to Havana. I was flying from a client engagement in Minneapolis to Havana, so that my flight there was paid for by my client. One of the few things I miss about consulting. I ended up cutting my trip short when I was asked to do another client engagement in San Francisco the following week. I just cut the trip to three days and flew straight to San Francisco from Havana. It was so much travel and I was exhausted but well worth it.

I flew Spirit to Havana. And American Airlines for my return. When I booked my ticket online through Spirit, the airline asked why I was going, giving a list of 11 choices. I chose education purposes - I was there to learn more about the Cuban culture to better US/Cuban relations. Its not as scary as everyone made it seem. Basically, you can't be there to get shit faced and celebrate your friend's bachelor(ette) party.

After I purchased my flight, I has to go to a separate website to apply for a Visa for about $75. Spirit Air provided me the link to the company they go through for Cuban visas. I heard confirmation from the company a few days later.

 From my confirmation email from Spirit:   TRAVEL TO CUBA: We noticed you're traveling to Cuba. Que bueno!  There are very important rules & regulations for travel to Cuba relating to visa requirements, permissible travel reasons, Cuban health insurance (which has already been included in your ticket price) and more. Please be sure to review those details  here and take care of all paperwork beforehand to ensure that your travel to Cuba is authorized. Customers who don't meet the legal requirements to travel to Cuba will not be allowed to board their flight.  

I flew via Fort Lauderdale. Before my flight, I had to go to a Spirit counter and get the physical visa. The company sent Spirit the information so I just had to provide my Passport and I got my visa, which I needed to board the flight.

 From Airline Brokers, the company who issued my Visa: Dear Travelers:  Your visa has been accepted !!!!! passengers who are departing to HAVANA, CUBA your visa's will only  be given to the person who requested and paid  for them in advance through our website , they will be handed at the  SPIRIT AIRLINES DEPARTURE GATE  INSIDE the  FORT LAUDERDALE  AIRPORT FOLLOW THE SIGN THAT SAYS CUBA VISAS.

 What I Did in Havana

Customs at the Havana airport was pretty normal, but at the time, very busy. Mostly with young Americans. You're supposed to keep receipts and a log of what you do during your time in Cuba, proving you were there for educational purposes, i.e. receipts from a msueum. 

Don't plan on using debit or credit cards on the island. I brought about $200 with me and exchanged it at the airport. There are two different types of currency in Cuba.  The Cuban Peso (CUP) and the Cuban Convertible Peso (CUC). You want to exchange most of your money to CUC. But apparently, its handy to have some small denominations in CUP for busses, etc. If your debit card is from the US, you probably won't be able to use your cards but might be able to use it at an ATM.

I stayed in a private room at an airbnb in Old Havana, near the Spanish Embassy. If you don't want to stay at a hotel because of price or any other reason, I recommend getting a room in an Airbnb in a family's apartment/house - Someone that speaks English. (Obviously, a hotel would have this sort of amenity too). Because you probably won't have cell or internet service and staying with someone who knows Havana and speaks English is key. 

I called both AT&T and Verizon (personal and work phones) and both said I would have service but I did not. You need to go to a government office when you get there and get an internet card, then you can use public wifi like at a hotel. 

I walked around the city for 8 to 12 hours a day. it's the most beautiful place in the world. A lot of the city is in ruin too. But I think it adds to the beauty. The people were so kind. Surprisingly, everyone, I spoke with loved Americans.

Havana is extremely safe. Tourism is one of their only imports and I heard that the government has strongly impressed upon its citizens to not fuck with tourists for that very reason. The most you'll have to deal with is the hundreds of cab drivers asking if you need a ride. 

Be prepared for less than great food. Especially if you're a Cuban food fan. It might have improved since I went, but when I was there it was still clear that the country couldn't get a lot of good food imported.

Things I didn't do but wish I did. Go to the beach. The Museum of the Revolution. Like I mentioned above, I did not do enough tourist things. It was only my second trip alone and the first one was on the beach exclusively. Again, solo travel was new to me. 

So I don't have all the best advice on what to see and do there. But I hope I helped with 

Whenever I travel alone, I listen to a lot of podcasts as I walk around. I was doing this on my last day when a woman, probably a few years older than me, stopped me and asked where I was from. Then she told me not to have my ear buds in. I should be listening to the sounds of Havana. People chatting. Music playing. Because that's what makes it so special and beautiful. 

#Cuba #havana #travel

[datingadviceonreddit]

** I apologize in advance if this post is too long. As I was writing it I realized it was therapeutic in a way to write it all out, so even if this thread goes no where thank you for being the public forum in which I share this with. **So, a little back story.I'm not too proud of it, but after being cheated on in a relationship I otherwise thought was very serious and committed, I turned to excessive physical intimacy as an escape and crutch to boost my self esteem. It was about a 2 and a half year period where I seriously slept with almost every close female friend I had. Then, I turned to Tinder and Instagram and was extremely active in my attempts to sleep with women.I rationalized this behavior because I never lied to women or gave them the impression I wanted monogamy or commitment. I would use my "i was cheated on boo hoo" story as a fallback for not wanting commitment. It was only when a close friend of me asked me how many people I have slept with that I realized I had a serious problem. I had lost count and couldn't even begin to track it. I felt like I hit rock bottom when I slept with my ex who cheated on my purely to spite the relationship she hastily enteredThen, suddenly and unexpectedly I experienced a death in my immediate family and it was crushing. Life was turned upside down and nothing has ever been the same. My family and I are healing together but it was so sudden and violent it's hard to ever be normal again.As a coping method, I sought more destructive seeking behavior offline and online, where any woman I saw that I thought was attractive I would chase as a sexual object with the intent to sleep with them. It got so out of control that, whenever I traveled out of the country for work, I would spend a significant period of time every night searching foreign dating apps, hook up tools, and any area where women frequented looking for a sexual partner. I think my work suffered because It was practically the only thing I put effort towards.It feels cringe-as-hell typing this, but I am an attractive man with an athletic body. In the face of all of this anxiety in my life, this became more and more important to me and I REALLY became focused on highlighting the attractive parts of me because I felt like it was the only thing about me that had any value. I started modeling on the side with the sole intent of collecting a series of super hot, image crafty pictures to fill my social media.I felt that, if my ex-girlfriend who hurt me so much saw that I was actually PROSPERING without her, I would somehow feel good about my self.Now, with reputation completely shot and almost everyone in my social circle joking about how I had turned into an absolute man whore, I felt like this was just who I had become. I knew I was using women to stroke my shattered ego, so in a burst of self awareness I doubled my gym routine with a focus on real strength and not aesthtics, focused on my career, and really bettered my self. It helped my self-esteem and I finally got to the point where I felt like I deserved another shot at a loving relationship and not just pointless sexual flings.I got a little better at loving my self.CURRENT SITUATIONAbout 10 months ago I met a woman from another country who I am I'm currently in a LDR with that I never, ever expected would happen. I met her traveling her it was just an instant connection. Not just lust or infatuation (maybe a little at first) but something that truly developed into the most warm, safe, secure and accepting relationship I've ever had in my life.I remember the first time I had to say goodbye after our very romantic and improvised extended visit, I cried because I thought I'd never see her again. I remember the feelings so vividly because I hated the thought of going back to who I was. Around her, she makes me feel like a good, loyal honest man. I care about her so much I feel inspired to become those things and live them out.I visit her as often as I can and usually stay for about 3 weeks. We talk every day and it's just an absolute dream. All of my close friends have noticed how genuinely happy I am and, for the first time in what feels like forever, I actually share pictures of us and sentiments of my affection towards her publicly on my social media. I have a "decently" large following and my career lives online, so it was a big step for me to be so open about devotion towards one woman. As many men know, when you do that, a huge section of online flirting and engaging becomes impossible. I felt really good taking these steps and feeling emotionally empowered by them.She is working on getting her Visa to visit me and she wants to eventually come move to the states with me. I am absolutely thrilled with this prospect as both of our careers would benefit from her moving here and it would just be wonderful to start a life together with her.THE PROBLEMI have started to notice that, when I get stressed, I look towards women and physical intimacy. It is a really bad habit I formed and I fear it is becoming a big problem. For example, I recently went to the doctor about an injury I got rock climbing -- after not hearing the news I wanted (it's going to be a slow,slow heal) I felt an extraordinary urge to seek out old flings, flirt with every women around me, and generally become that sexual conquest seeker I used to be.I resisted that urge but, then, work got difficult and very confusingly difficult. Again, I felt this immediate urge to seek out random women for sexual conquest and, it become so strong I took a really stupid half measure, accepted an invited to a party I would of normally NEVER attended, and got extremely drunk and high. I don't normally ever behave like this and I know deep down I was trying to give my self an excuse to lose control and try something with a woman.The shame I felt was absolutely overwhelming and I hated my self. Here I am, honestly in love with someone that cares for me in a way I've never felt before and I keep senselessly endangering our relationship. I have been in two situations with women that got WAY too close but, thank god my shame was too much and I never followed through. I am extremely relieved I have remained loyal to my LDR but I know if she knew the situations I've placed my self in she would be very disappointed and sad.Today, I truly sunk to a new low and reactivated a Tinder account and filled it with the most physically attractive photos of my self possible. As I was doing it, I seriously hated my self -- I had no idea what I was doing, why I was doing it, or what I was looking for. I just know that the floods of compliments and praise made me feel good. Literally, while all of this was going on, I was texting a friend of a friend that has routinely asked to be "Friends with benefits" with me if she wanted to get coffee together.I don't know what happened, but I felt like I just snapped. In disgust, I deleted Tinder, completely dodged the coffee meet up, and I just started to cry. I started looking at videos of my girlfriend and, again, I felt like I was going crazy. I see this woman and I'm obsessed with her, I want nothing more than to do right by her and care for her but I seem trapped in this self destructive cycle.Perhaps some men reading will relate with this part -- whenever I masturbate, afterwards I IMMEDIATELY feel extremely clear headed and absolutely disgusted with my behavior. I literally say outloud "what the fuck is wrong with me?" out of sheer frustration and exhaustion -- it is like a light switch is turned off and I am my normal self again. It is this realization of my self that has protected me from actually touching another woman -- I know immediately after I will feel this same feeling of absolute disgust with my self.Again, I am beyond relieved that I haven't PHYSICALLY or EMOTIONALLY cheated on my girlfriend, but I known my risky and stupid behavior has violated her trust and I have cheated the commitment we agreed on.Racked with guilt and shame, I had a serious talk with my LDR and tried my very hardest to express the problems I have been having. I didn't want to hurt her or give her the wrong idea, so I tried my very hardest to express all of the problems I have been having, how hard the long distance relationship has been for me lately, and how I have developed a habit of not liking my self and relying on my physical image whenever I am stressed.I haven't gotten the nerve to tell her about the online flirting relapses, the dangerous intoxicated party, or the coffee meeting I set up but never attended. I don't want too because I am afraid she won't believe that, despite me doing those things, I truly, deeply, and in my heart of hearts want her and nothing else. I myself don't fully understand my I seek these self destructive habits so I'm terrified of trying to explain them to her.I have scheduled an impromptu visit to see her and I will be flying out in a week. I told her that being apart for so long has just been too difficult (it has been 3 months since I last saw her in person) and I am hoping that seeing her in person will, at my core, remind me how lucky I am reaffirm my strong desire to be a loyal, honest, committed man.Upon writing this and reading over it, I am ashamed at my actions and I feel like a horrible man. A part of me expects to be ridiculed as the unappreciative, narcissistic, weak person that all of my vices paint me as. But, hopefully, you will also see this as an earnest cry for help from someone who so badly wants to do the right thing.I am not ready or willing to give up on my LDR or her. I want to become a man worthy of her heart.Thank you for reading if you got this far. Do you have any advice for me?TL;DR-- I've developed a habit of sleeping around after great personal tragedy. Now that I am in love in a LDR, I am constantly tempted to be unfaithful whenever I am stressed or feel bad about my self. via /r/dating_advice

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