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runelocked · 5 months

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rune speaks about remnant & rotten old men becoming computer viruses

in my version of gli.tchtrap, it actually IS william to an extent. not the version of him that got springtrapped though it does have a partial memory of that, kind of like it’s watched it happen in a movie, but the part of him he used remnant to extract and put into the computer. this is gonna be rambling probably bear with me ALSO IF YOU WRITE ANY OF THE CHARACTERS MENTIONED. your canon takes precedence in my threads w u!!! — this is just me trying to sort this out in my head svkxbdk

trigger warnings for child death / murder, human experimentation, mental instability, self harm ( but because of self experimentation ), general dark themes !

so remnant !!!! is kind of a weird ambiguous thing in my canon mainly because i haven’t thought much about it. it keeps william alive, it’s extracted from the blood of those that have suffered agony in their last few moments, without agony it’s less potent and kind of useless. it extends lifespan and gives users extra invincibility against horrific injuries, but mainly just keeps them alive no matter what state their body is in. that’s the extent of development i’ve done of remnant in my canon so far.

but i’ve been toying with what gli.tchtrap actually IS recently and think it’s explicitly linked to william’s experimentation. because of course he experimented on himself too — he HAD to. he wasn’t about to waste remnant on anyone else, and he wasn’t about to give anyone else a substance that kept them alive and then experiment on them: that would just create more problems for him lmao. so yeah, 100% experimented on himself, very carefully, and gli.tch.trap is the result of william realizing he could utilise his OWN remnant for his own gain.

so remnant: the substance that keeps the spirits tethered to animatronics and to their bodies, right. but it exists in everyone: it’s only made POTENT by the release of a chemical / substance during bodily agony. this . . . doesn’t actually mean DEATH, though. william kills because it’s much easier to deal with dead people than deal with leaving them alive after putting them through agony — it makes more sense to him to kill them instead of dealing with the fallout ( and because it gives him that extra rush and them that extra despair ). if, then, he can extract remnant & agony WITHOUT killing . . . there’s no real reason he can’t extract his own.

which means what, then ? well, it means that william probably at LEAST once or twice inflicted excruciating pain on himself to bottle his own agony & remnant. probably at his most unhinged ( just before liz died ). he’s not thinking straight, he’s sleeping maybe like. four hours every few days, he’s killing and experimenting and generally at his most unstable. there’s no real reason he WOULDN’T experiment on himself, first out of curiosity, then out of the realization he can use his OWN remnant to further his lifespan — rather than keeping THIS body alive, he can use it to tether an ‘imprint’ of himself to something else.

to a computer.

remnant essentially is just that, in my canon: an imprint. a ghost of a person in their worst most painful moments, tethered to the living world while the actual REAL part passes on or in william’s case springlocked in eternal agonising life. so glitchtr.a.p is . . . just that. the part of william at his most unstable and powerful, captured forever in that computer virus that its creator transferred it to. it’s not william exactly. but it’s also not NOT william. it’s like a snapshot of him captured in time with one fixed personality and one fixed goal, unable to ever change or develop unless it gets corrupted or something idk. it’s clever, and knows how to manipulate to get its own way, but it’s not . Fully William ? it has his wants, goals, needs, memories, feelings from the late 80s. it sees itself as human, in a way. and it acts that way: it can be affected by emotion and experience in the exact manner of way that william would have been, at the time of its creation.

but whereas william deteriorated drastically after liz’s death ( which happened like. 1989/1990-ish in my canon, but obv changes dependent on who i’m writing with as does all of this post!!!! ), the part of him that is glitch.tr.ap does NOT. it retains that same feverish dangerous personality, still fixated on killing & eternal life, whereas william in reality kind of . . . falls apart. first time experiencing real consequences to his actions and first time he can’t blame someone else. this last part is v dependent on who i’m writing with so is v open to changing but this is how i set out writing william: mounting in instability & power until liz’s death, where he shrinks, and begins to try and focus more on trying to move on with his life. glitch.t.r.ap doesn’t have this though — he’s william frozen in time essentially, forever at that height of his work.

#(( did any of this make sense. ttwirls hair ))#(( cannot stress enough how much this changes depending on writing partners ))#(( i always get so stressed writing stuff like this in case people don’t wanna write with me anymore . IM INSECURE ABT IT IDK WHY ))#(u) william talking tag #tw child death #tw child murder #tw human experimentation #tw child experimentation #tw sh #tw sleep deprivation #tw mental instability #tw mental deterioration #tw death #tw murder #( ask to tag. )

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little-fandom-dump · 1 year

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pssssst anyone about to listen to MAG 170, if you have any history of witnessing dementia/alzheimer’s/any other state of mental deterioration from a friend or family member please BE CAREFUL! that one was. a little brutal for me (and i’m usually v unfazed by all of the horror in tma).

#the lonely will forever scare me #tma podcast #the magnus archives #mag 170 #tw dementia #tw alzheimers #tw mental deterioration #jonny sims you did it again babe #beautiful writing tho king #wish it didn’t hurt so much #tma the lonely #tma martin #martin blackwood

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absent-o-minded · 2 years

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YR S2 Trailer Analysis - Part 1

Ahh....it's that time again. We have been truly fed with a brilliant trailer, and so, what better time to roll up those sleeves and give my silly little thoughts on it?

Please keep in mind that this, and the subsequent second part, will contain **SPOILERS**.

The Opening with Kristina, Ludwig and Wille:

And so we start, really, with the opening that sets up the premise, or rather the cause, for dysfunction throughout Season 2 - Wille's parents. The placement of this scene at the start of the trailer employs a sense of constant overshadowing, whereby everything can be linked back to the direct cause of Kristina (and Ludwigs eventhough I don't actually know what he does) shoddy parenting.

But that's just on a placement level, I want to look at the emotional standing here, because to us, and although we see it as artificial, it almost looks like Kristina and Ludwig are genuinely proud? Which is sad both in the sense of it being pitted against Wille's obvious misery to being the Crown Prince as well as in the sense of seeing an instance of his parents pride only being derived from when he's 'looking the part'. It's as if the only way for Wille to receive any parental affection is to fulfill the role that was thrust upon him, and even in this scene, Wille's discomfort is evident - You can see it in how Kristina adjusts his tie before, not even a second later, Wille is already loosening it, wanting to breathe.

Through this tiny secondary action, or reflexive response, we're already starting to see this 'back and forth' between Wille and the Monarchy, like the old arcade video games with the two characters fighting eachother. But also; This scene employs the idea that a lot (I won't say all bc that would be false) of Wille's issues can be directly linked back to his family, and so a premise of dysfunction is created as a backdrop for S2.

The Colourful Party Stare:

No, because this shit is beautiful. I want to eat this image. I just want to grab it with my hand and unhinged my jaw and-

I'm both an enjoyer and a critic of certain tropes in media, as everyone is, but one that I'm always a sucker for is what I call 'The Art of the Stare'. We see it in so many films/tv shows, and usually it's an addition to the 'Love at First Sight' trope, but the key difference here is that the trope has already been employed in S1, and so parallelism is drawn (both in positioning and lighting terms) to distort this trope into 'Love at First Reconciliation'.

In the first 'Stare' scene at the party in S1, the lighting fanned their faces and was represented by a slow rotation, mixing the colour compositions and facilitating the state of anticipation, curiosity and innocence that framed that scene. Here however, the LED (?) lights are coming out in distinct strings, framing the back of both Wille and Simon's heads, as if externalising their mental/repressed physical reactions. You have to recognise that these are beams. Elongated and narrow strings of light filtered through a tiny scope, unlike the lighting in S1 which was an open and small rotating ball. Beams have a distinct direction, and they puncture the air. They hold intent, and from the visual composition of those images, they're shooting from behind both boys as if to the other, beginning from their heads.

And that look. What is it about that look? How do I articulate that look? Maybe I can't articulate it, maybe I just need to let it exist in its own right, whatever that may be. But, the contextual aspects behind it, are everything. How do you look at a person with whom you want and need them, but those feelings are obscured by what you represent and what you have done? How are you to explain yourself, to find your voice, when your surroundings are already doing that for you? Because we're back at the start here, this cyclical structure cannot be denied nor delayed, and they recognise that - The presence of this scene is all too familiar a parallel for both us as an audience and the lads as a moment, but we have to ask, is it a moment to redefine or reconcile?

Felice and Wille Friendship:

Oh,,,ha,,,I'm already crying.

What a clever ploy on behalf of the crew to play on the audiences heartstrings more than giving the touch starved character physical comfort from the emotionally starved character? The alliance between Felice and Wille, or rather, the friendship, is something that I genuinely cannot wait to see. Look at how fucking tender and comforting this hug looks? One of Felice's hands cupping Wille's jaw and the other holding his arm? Wille with one hand absent-mindedly twirling a strand of Felice's hair and the other against her knee? Are YOu jOKiNg?

On a more emotionally stable note, I really hope that this season, Felice is not just a source of comfort for Wille, but also that it works in the reverse, and Wille becomes a source of comfort for Felice. Friendships blossom from trials and tribulations as well as miraculous times, and we already saw their fledgling friendship towards the end of S1, but I would love the idea of their friendship blossoming this season, particularly in the sense that both of their arcs may require bravery, and I really think that they could help eachother. Whilst I love how Felice is comforting a clearly miserable Wille and how he fins solace in this, it should be mutual, in that Wille encourages Felice to embrace herself and to go against the alleged 'status-quo' of the elitist environment she was born into.

H A N D S:

You could genuinely write essays on the phenomenon of hands in Film & TV, but how it's intrinsically tied to Queer Cinema.

There's just something so thrilling and nerve-wracking about hand touches, and how they signal the first sign of interest, whether it's an accidental brush or incidental hold. How it's the most acceptable form of affection in the eyes of a begrudged public, and even more so, a judgemental society. How it's daring and innocent in the same note.

What's interesting is how these touches differ from Season 1. We're aware that Wille struggles to articulate himself, and so physical touch is usually his best vehicle for communication, but Simon's reaction in the way he pulls his hand away and how it could be interpreted is interesting: Is he scared? Is he showing self-restraint? Is is insecurity? Is it reflexive? Personally, I think that Simon is aware, maybe even hyper-aware of Wille's presence, as there are maybe two or three seconds that pass before Simme actually pulls his hand away. This rift of 'push-and-pull' that is provoked by Kristina and Ludwig extends to Simon as well, and seems to underpin the entire trailer - But in this case, Simon is the one pulling away. Initially anyway. Maybe that changes the trajectory of the story? Maybe that little act plants a seed, and we see Simon (who I'm so glad admitted that he 'enjoyed the space') recognise that it's not all on him. That he also deserves to choose, just as much as Wille does.

Even later on in the trailer, we see Wille actively reach out and take Simon's hand, which shows a contrast, as eventhough we don't get to see Simon's reaction, this touch ^^ was accidental, implying that Simon is very much aware of Wille, but in that scene, it is intentional, and from what it looks like, Simon doesn't pull away. Has he let his feelings for Wille come to the forefront? Has he chosen to stay?

Who knew that hands could say so much, hm?

Sara on the Floor:

Just a little addition here to say that I'm so intrigued to see more of Sara's story this season, and how she fares with knowing what August did, but still somehow has a questionable (Idek what it is at this rate) relationship with him. Not just this, but the teaser of the first 4 minutes let's us know that she's received acceptance for what I'm guessing is residency at Hillerska, so I'm also excited to see how that whole shabang plays out.

August in his Emo Arc:

There is something fucking wrong with you, babes. I'm not gonna lie.

August definitely falls into one of those character archetypes where 'You love to hate them'. My fan mind and my critical mind are at war right now because one is shouting "FUCK HIM, I SWEAR TO GOD-" and the other is going "Wait, let's unpack this". I call it the cursed duality of being a Film student, an ever present burden on my moral agenda.

I am still as unforgiving of August as the next person. His actions can't be justified, they can be traced and understood, but that doesn't make them justified, so to know that S2 follows the lens where August's mental health deteriorates as a consequence of his guilt and regret over his actions is a very interesting take. It's clear from S1 that his coping mechanisms are dysfunctional, but the S2 trailer really solidifies this idea of peril, or turmoil, and how despite being framed as one of the antagonists in the YR Universe, he shows remorse, which is more than we can say for Kristina. To watch extent we analyse his remorse, or choose to listen to it is entirely subjective to the spectator, but I do think it's part of YR tendency to go for the unconventional 'twists' in traditionalist narrative archetypes by making the antagonist/villainous character remorseful - In most TV, the Antagonist is simply there to serve fulfill the plot implications of their role, they show up, they cause some shit to go wrong, the protagonist restores it, antagonist gets booted...

NOT HERE KIDDOS. Here we have a more nuanced portrayal of equilibrium, August being regretful further distorts Wille's pursuit of anarchy as he is trying to restore things, and it's clearly mentally affecting him to a detrimental point. What do you do when you have a regretful antagonist because - *flips through Guide to Stories: 101* - that's not in the book? How do you handle that opposition to the balance of things? How valid is regret when what you did caused so much suffering and pain?

Wille gets dragged:

"I'm staying" "That's not up to you" I'm literally going to go insane, how about that?

Wille has no agency. Nor does he have any autonomy. No decision is truly his, and that's why his decisions this season (like going after August, like trying to reconcile with Simon, like burning down the Monarchy) become so critical. How do you live as yourself when even your body and your mind belong to an institution? How do you even cope?

The answer? YOU DON'T.

Kristina has resorted to absolute isolation for Wille, practically ostracising him from everything and in doing so abandoning all fucking rationality (because that's a great call for your child). This presents yet another barrier, as in S1 Kristina took a relatively passive role; Sure, she made remarks and gave some harsh words over the phone, but this is an entirely new state of low for Kristina, as it implies that she's starting to become an active participant in deepening Wille's misery.

Now this contradicts the first four minutes of the S2 Teaser that were released as it gave the impression that there might be an inkling of genuine, authentic motherly care in her, and how she might actually be working to bridge the divide between herself and her son, but if we're assuming (bc everything is speculative) that Kristina plucks Wille out of school, then surely that paints a disappointing image of what a quick turn around she has when the state of the royal family comes under jeopardy.

Wille is entirely reduced to a moveable, inanimate commodity of the Monarchy, and this scene reinforces how even trusted people (Malin. My, my, Malin, what are they asking you to do?) are under the imposing presence of the Monarchy. It's inescapable. Even writing this, I can feel how suffocating that must be.

And more importantly "That's not up to you". That's not up to you, that's not up to you, that'snot up to you, that'snotuptoyou. No, because nothing is up to Wille, is it?

The Backup Plan:

Nah, but what the fuck is she doing?

There's a weird sense of foreboding or dread that she's already taking measures in case Wille subjects the Monarchy to scrutiny, almost as if she's pre-empting it? Maybe she is - In a lot of scenes it seems to follow a trend of abdication, but even still, she's this complicated character that seems to be omnipresent whilst also never really being there? Saying 'one feels the need' is so formal that it comes across as detached from any motherly emotion whatsoever, the 'one feels' reinforces the idea that she's hiding behind the guise of a 'Royal Voice', and so things are justified professionally.

But it begs the question, does she feel any remorse? How do we, as an audience, attempt to understand her, even if we want to? And more so, what's this 'backup plan' that's she's speaking of? It's likely a plan put in place just in case shit hits the fan and Wille does decide to abdicate, but who does that involve? Wille is the end of the direct bloodline, so who else could there be?

This could be viewed in a lot of ways - The backup plan if Wille abdicates is to appoint a cousin to reign, or alternatively, what is this backup plan is made swiftly before Wille can even confirm his decision to abdicate and involves using manipulation and brunt force? What if she's trying to think two steps ahead and the alleged 'backup plan' involves taking Wille out of school, baiting him, guiltripping him and isolating him in the hopes that he'll feel obligated to say 'Yes' just to stop the mental torture?

From the trailer, it looks like that meetings are happening behind Wille's back that are likely about him, and given the Monarchy's history of wanting quick cover ups/resolutions to things...I don't think we should take this as a good sign.

______________________

That's where I'm going to stop for Part 1, but I'm hoping for Part 2 to be up shortly (in the next day or so). Let me know what you think ! <3

#young royals #yr s2 spoilers #young royals spoilers #young royals season 2 #young royals netflix #lisa ambjörn #tw swearing #tw mental deterioration #tw mental health #i really hope that this makes sense #credit to my Uni for making my voice for academic #Kristina thinks she's slick but she's not #i'm losing my marbles guys #i've gone too far down the rabbit hole #tv analysis #meta

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slaughterlocked · 3 months

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" me and you, we're about the same age now, dad. isn't the fuckin' something? except, well, i'm not a rotting corpse in a bunny suit. " / adult elizabeth to springtrap william

SILENCE MEETS HER WORDS, EERIE AND UNCOMFORTABLE. IT’S NOT LIKE THE RABBIT TO BE SO QUIET. Its body creaks and groans and clanks constantly, a low-level whirring replacing his body’s once-strong lungs to keep it powered. But it’s silent now, those luminous eyes fixed unwaveringly on the girl who had once been its daughter. He loves her still. It barely recognises her now.

“Foolish to celebra-a-at-ate growing old.” Is what it rasps out, noiselessness ending abruptly as it drags itself painfully towards her. For no other purpose than to see her closer. Remind itself himself? of the scars she possesses because of him. He could have saved her from ageing. Given her a precious unbreaking metal body. Painless. Not like its own existence. “I never took you for a-a- a fool, E— L-L—”

What is her name? What is its name? So difficult to remember basics when its mind has been so rotted with pain and anger and the bitter drive to keep living. Legs stagger forwards dragging a body that has outgrown all but its purpose. To kill. To put back together again. Mouth gaping open, barely reminiscent of that broad smile he’d once looked at her with. “My daughter,” he rasps, halting only metres from her. Head cocking at an angle, favoring its left side. “Don’t you wish things c-c-co-ould be different?”

#(( this made me insane and i had to queue it immediately ))#( shall we read this story again?: starters. )#( what he can’t save: william & elizabeth. )#a; roseguided #( tomb that won’t close: default vii. )#tw body horror #tw injury #tw dysfunctional family #tw mental deterioration #tw death #tw dead body #tw pain #( ask to tag. )

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gunkbaby · 1 year

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tw personal:

My only hope for 2023 is that I might be able to make art and write consistently again. I’ve missed it so much, I feel so lost without it.

I don’t think my health is going to improve, and I don’t want it to. In fact I spend everyday trying to worsen my relapses because the prospect of being alive is something I fell out of love with ages ago. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I enjoy about being alive is getting closer to the end. This year ruined everything for me. I didn’t die this year but I might as well have. I feel like I’ve been dead ages, I don’t exist anymore, I’m just waiting for my little ghost to leave this weird planet.

Regardless, I really hope I can take some comfort in creation again. I hope maybe I can go to college this year, and then I will go to university. I hope I make it that far, but I won’t be mad if I don’t, because this is all much harder than it should be.

I hope that in 2023 I will make something cool. Wanna write this year, wanna put my skrungly little stories out again. Just wanna create the things I wanna create, and then maybe this little ghost will let me find peace. I’m so tired.

#tw personal #tw slight vent #tw rambling #tw mental deterioration #idk what to tag sorry #tw relapse mention #tw relapse #tw sui ideation

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hurtwave · 2 years

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I don't know why I always try to fit in and be normal. I will never be

I guess sometimes I forget that this is for life

idk why im like this , i used to enjoy things

everything is getting colder, sad and empty of meaning

#vent #personal vent #ventcore #traumacore #actually paranoid #derealisation tw #tw mental deterioration #tw selfhate

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runelocked · 6 months

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04. entry made after experiencing a nightmare. :]

Date: 4th April 1984. Time: After midnight.

Fucking hands won’t stop shaking. I’m not

[ Furious frantic pages have been turned with enough ferocity to rip at the binding, before settling down on a blank page. His writing is neater but the pen has torn through at parts in its violence. ]

Ghosts aren’t real. I can’t be haunted because ghosts aren’t fucking real. But I can’t stop seeing them. They won’t leave me alone. They don’t even speak, they don’t even move. All they do is stare at me. Every time I close my eyes, they’re there, and they’re staring and they won’t stop looking and it’s like they follow me in daylight too. Every time someone looks at me I see their bloodied faces peering back and nothing stops them nothing gets rid of them I WANT THEM GONE I WANT THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE THEY SHOULD BE GRATEFUL

[ The next lines are much crisper and clearer, like he’s making a conscious effort to keep each line neat and meticulous. ]

Tomorrow, Michael will take Liz to school. Benefactor wants to meet at noon but if I can get in earlier then I will. At eight o’clock, Daniel Verden’s family have booked out Party Room 2 and Freddy & Chica. Ten o’clock, close up. Pay a visit to Henry. Urge him to come back into work. It’s been six months since

[ There is the beginning of a C, and then the pen slides viciously down the page and stops completely. It’s one of the last entries made in the book. ]

#(( william and his terrible awful no good very bad murder diary ! ))#tw grief #tw mental instability #tw nightmares #tw night terrors #tw paranoia #tw child death #tw child murder #tw mental deterioration #(( normal. he’s having a normal one ))#(u) william talking tag #a; jfouler #tw unreality

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emkaypea · 2 years

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05/05/2022 2:02 AM

2022

2002

Twenty years, and yet I still seem to struggle. Isn't that disgusting?

I still haven’t graduated. I still have a shitty job. I still can’t pay rent. I still think about her. I still let myself fall into these endless pits. Isn’t that absolutely despicable?

I don’t know why I’m feeling so bad right now. The thought of dumping pills into my mouth is plaguing me, imagination running wild. I can feel them in my mouth. I can taste the gel capsules. I feel the tug down my throat. I can feel myself drifting away. I can feel my razor grazing my skin. I can feel the blood trickling down my thighs. I can feel the burn that comes with movement. I can feel the roughness with a single caress of my skin. I can feel it all. I long for it. Yet my fear holds me back, once again.

Fear of this sort disgusts me. I hold myself back from so many things because of it. The fear of failure, the fear of loved ones dying, the fear of losing everyone again, the fear of venturing out, the fear of others recognizing how utterly useless I am – you’d think that these would overshadow my fear of death. I wish they did. I’m so stricken by fear that I've ruined my life, yet the one thing I can do to fix it, I am afraid of yet again. Isn’t that sad? Fear, fear, fear.

What would happen if I died? Back then, nothing. My parents would’ve mourned, but they would’ve moved on. That wouldn’t happen now. Josh would’ve lost his sister, but I wasn’t much of one anyways. Now, he’d blame himself. My sisters wouldn’t care regardless. You know, I remember when Liz saw my arm for the first time. She acted like she cared. Why would she, after years of her trying to ruin me? It was far too late for her to care. The nerve she had. I wish that I had done it when things were simpler. Now, if I were to kill myself, there would be hell to pay. My mom would no longer have a best friend or caretaker. My little brother wouldn’t have the only sibling he had that actually cared for him. My dad wouldn’t have his little girl. I’ve waited too long. I still feel like I made the wrong choice.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. I only want to hurt myself. It’s what I deserve. It’s what I was born for. From the beginning, I was set out for mutilation of oneself. I long for it. I wish so badly that I could absolutely destroy my body with no outside repercussions. I wish I could slice my arms and thighs beyond recognition without the need to cover up. I wish I could live out the everlasting fantasy of slitting my wrists in the bathtub and letting fate decide whether to claim me or leave me be. The urge to give in to these desires is so incredibly strong. The only reason I haven’t destroyed my arms now is because of plasma donations. Without them, I would let loose all of my agony. I would press deeper, I would slice the same spot repeatedly until I saw fat. I would cover myself in blood.

I remember so well the feeling of hot wet soaking my legs. Touching the blood, licking it, rubbing it further across my legs and body, playing with it like a puppy. Stepping into the shower with legs pouring blood, splattering across the shower once the water pellets my skin. The unbearable sting that comes with the water, now turned beautiful shades of red and pink. Seeing it flood the shower floor, and triggering yet another round. Brining the blade into the shower with me, digging as deep as I could with the cheapest razors I could find. My favorite thing was slicing deep enough to see white, the wound gaping, then slicing again over it. It didn’t hurt, which revolted me. I should’ve kept going. I’ve only seen fat a small handful of times, and each time it was so beautiful. Surprisingly, it never hurt. Those scars on my legs have risen quite a bit. I love grazing my fingers across them. I miss it. I wonder if my pain tolerance has changed since?

What should I do now? My skin is itching, my brain the same. I can’t kill myself, so I must settle for at least one form of self harm. Whether it be cutting, burning, vaping, abusing medication, or starving myself, I need more of it. I need it to survive. I need it, I need it, I need it. My body craves it with everything I have. I want to grab my lighter and flame the metal tweezers until they’re black, and press them onto my skin for as long as I can bear. My favorites are the ones that don’t have time to blister, as the skin comes off the second I remove the tweezers. It falls off so nicely. Ah, and the compressed air. I still don’t know what to call those wounds. Tipping the can upside down, so that the freezing liquid drips onto my skin, over and over and over until I can’t feel it anymore. Even for weeks after, I couldn’t feel those patches of skin. They would turn blue, scab over in such an odd way. Even now, maybe more than a year afterwards, I still lack most of my feeling in those spots. Hypothermic burns, I wonder? It’s not my favorite form of self-harm, as the pain didn’t satiate the urge, but the morbidity of it was enough to settle the storm brewing in my mind. Starving myself is such a nice form. The feeling of going to bed and not being able to sleep due to the hunger pains clawing their way across my stomach is so gratifying. I’m a fat, disgusting piece of shit, and starving myself is such a nice way of punishing myself for reaching this point. I’ve done that these past few days, and I’ve lost 7 lbs. It’s so easy to lose weight like this when you’re a fat slob like me. It’s hard for me to starve, because like a disgusting pig, I salivate at the smell of food when I haven’t eaten. I crave food, but telling myself no and reminding myself of how disgusting I look helps greatly. Right now, I can feel that hunger cramping. It slides its way up and down my stomach, making me nauseous. I love it. I deserve it. God, god, god. Abusing medication. There’s nothing nicer than that. I can’t do it as often, as I desperately do not want to deprive my mom of her meds. But, when I need to, I’ll ask for pain meds or xanax, and let myself drift away into a high that inhibits me from feeling anything bad. My propranolol just makes me tired, but it’s a nice distraction nonetheless. I have a deep love for xanax and tizanidine, though. Xanax makes me feel like everything is okay, that I can breathe and feel good doing so. I feel euphoric. It’s the only time in where I truly feel no anxiety, when otherwise I am plagued with it constantly. There isn’t a single moment of my days in where I don’t have my jaw clenched, my head aching, my tongue tingling, my stomach turning, and my mind racing. With xanax, I can finally have a break from all of the chaos.

I’m getting tired now. The tizanidine is kicking in. I just want to fade away. I don’t want to have to wake up tomorrow and pretend that everything is fine. I don’t want to go to work pretending that I didn’t write this the night before. I wish that I was functional. I wish that, even with these diseases I’ve been blessed with – depression, ptsd, ocd, insomnia, anxiety, dissociaton and depersonalization, and so, so much trauma - I was able to complete the tasks I want to. I wish I could tell this all to somebody. I wish so badly to have somebody enter my mind, see my memories, and feel what I feel. I wish they could share the death of him, the dying of my mother, the loss of friendship, as toxic as it was, the beatings, the police officers, the addictions, the screaming, the sobbing, the begging, the isolation, the hurt hurt hurt hurt. I’m just so tired. I’m so tired.

2:56 AM

Goodnight

#tw depression #tw graphic #tw suicide #sewer slide #tw sh #self harn #slef harm #tw s3lf harm #tw mental deterioration #tw mentally ill #tw #trigger warning

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gremmlepunk · 2 years

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TW flashing lights and derealization and blood and death and wow i really went wild huh

Btw the audios a little funky on my end its not ur device lol the download thing was just weird

its the human pills meme

#OMG GREM MADE AN AN-E-MAY-SHON #tw death #tw depressing stuff #tw blood #tw body horror #tw injury #tw knife #tw mental illness #ranboo #tw mental deterioration #i think that’s it please lmk if i missed anything i want to keep everyone safe #dsmp ranboo #ranboo fanart #ranboolive #c!ranboo #c!ranboo angst #ghostboo #c!ranboo death #C!ranboo animation

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caught-in-a-dusty-web-of-secrecy · 1 year

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hello loves <3

first off, just, a trigger warning, mentions of self-harm, mentions of depression/mental illness/mental state deterioration, yknow

i would love to say that the reason i haven't posted anything is because i've been really productive, but...it most definitely isn't. since the last time i posted (ten days ago) i have done near nothing.

over the past ten days, apart from working on one of my wips a little, i haven't been able to bring myself to do anything because of my depression — which has only made me feel worse. i haven't been able to do anything properly, so i didn't really hold studying to be a priority.

i usually wake up at around five in the morning, then follow a schedule i made for the rest of the day — of course, sometimes i do take extra breaks if i need, but mostly i just stick to it. doing that, i usually am happy (or however close i can get to it) and i'm satisfied with, and sometimes even proud of, myself.

but recently, for around two weeks at least, i've been struggling to bring myself to do anything — i've had to spend ages convincing myself to get out of bed every morning, i've been eating at random times, i haven't been as productive as i usually would want to be, i'm not retaining information as well as normal, and i've barely kept in contact with the few people i am still friends with.

and over the past ten days, doing anything had become even more overwhelming, to the point where, even though my body would wake me up at four-thirty like normal, i wouldn't be able get out of bed until one in the afternoon, and even then i would struggle. i've been skipping meals and i've barely eaten over the past ten days, but i've still somehow managed to gain weight (which only made me feel worse given that i'm on recovery from an eating disorder). i haven't washed my hair in almost two weeks, and today i forced myself to shower for the first time in four days (which, it could be worse, but usually i shower twice every day, so). i ended up self-harming again after a few months of not doing that. i have vaguely kept in touch with people, and when i have it's been so as to make sure they don't worry about me — and even so, it's less than i usually would. i've spent every night crying for hours, and half the time i wasn't even entirely sure why — every tiny thing was just upsetting me so much more than i usually would. all in all, i've just been doing terribly. and everything just has made me feel worse — my room is a mess, which just makes me feel even more unsettled and my textbooks are still where i left them, open on the floor, though i never ended up doing anything with them. my laundry is in a mess and scattered all over my room, and my bags are still all packed from the trip i went on with my family.

i've known i've been getting worse, and doing nothing has just continued making me feel worse and worse even faster, and i've just kind of done nothing about it, just witnessing myself spiraling really badly — which, surprise, has only made me feel even worse about myself.

i've been thinking and, doing nothing is just making me feel worse — i don't think i should keep just waiting for it to get better, because it isn't. nothing is going to happen, nothing is going to change, if i just keep watching myself get worse and witnessing it without trying to do anything to make myself feel better.

so i have thought. and i have, unfortunately, come to the decision that i should probably do something about it. because, honestly, sometimes just doing nothing for a little while helps — but sometimes it doesn't. and this is definitely one of the times it won't — so far, all it's done has made me feel even worse than i did when i had started out.

school is starting in two days, on the 31st, and i really don't want to start the new term feeling terrible about myself and barely able to do anything. so over the next few days, i dont think i'm going to really be doing any studying — for one, it isn't effective at all, and two, it's only stressing me out. even though i have had a long break, i think i'm just going to take the next two days to get my life back into order and to relax.

i'm mostly telling you this because, in general, i feel like i usually appear to have my life in order pretty well, and i seem to be managing well and studying often and effectively, and i wanted to show that, even though people may be able to manage everything and work really well sometimes, they don't and can't always manage that well — and that it's okay for you not to if you ever feel that way.

sometimes you will struggle more, with or without having an explicit reason for it, and that's okay — the best thing to do in those situations is to just take a break, in my eyes. it doesn't make sense to me if one was to just force themselves to do everything they usually would. and relaxing/taking a break will appear differently for everyone — for some people it may be to watch their favorite tv show(s) or movies, or to read their favorite book, and for others it may be to take a walk in the fresh air, or spend some time outdoors somewhere. breaks look different for everyone, and the important thing is to just make sure your mind is relaxed and you aren't stressing yourself out. you don't have to conform to someone else's idea of relaxation to look after yourself.

anyways, mostly over the next couple of days, i'm just going to get the rest of my school supplies and pack and organize my bag, because i need to do that given how close it is. other than that, i'm just going to clean my room, unpack from the trip i went on and do the rest of my laundry, wash my hair and fix up my nails (which ive managed to break/chip all of, so they need like, a lot of attention), and probably just rewatch shadow and bone a reread six of crows.

anyways, tl;dr dont push yourself and stress yourself out too much, know your limits, and if you do ever randomly start spiralling just take a break and relax until you feel up to doing whatever you usually would. :]

#anyways long story short basically im a dumbass #and i have no idea why my depression is this bad right now #but whatever it originally was i think faded away a while ago #and just the fact that i had spiralled so badly was just making me feel worse #and everything was just getting so extremely overwhelming #and i felt like crap #tw mental deterioration #tw mental illness #tw mentions of depression #tw mentions of self-harm #tw selfhate #tw self destruction #faerambles #study break #mental wellbeing #mental health #long post

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