#to the people who made fun of my diagnosis right after i told you and then tried to say you yourselves all had did;

[totallyveryallosexual]

I see a lot of people say that people self diagnose neurodivergence because it's "quirky" or cool or something, which shows a lack of understanding of self diagnosis that I would like to correct.

1. I personally do not think I have autism because I "saw a tiktok and related to it". I think I have autism because I fulfill the diagnostic criteria that I have looked into extensively. I have sensory difficulties. I get overwhelmed by sound, and light, and the wrong fucking texture un my clothes or food. I was made fun of my entire childhood for "taking things too seriously", and I took what people said at face value, because I took things far too literally. I spent my entire childhood figuring out how to act normal, how to say the right thing at the right time so I wouldn't be made fun of or excluded. I am extremely comforted by various types of stimming, but was punished as a child for anything considered fidgety or abnormal. I love biology, and can infodump to you about genetics (special interest) for hours. This is an interest that can be considered abnormal, and it has consumed most of my available brain space for many years. Also, every single autistic person I've ever met has clocked me in about five seconds and immediately told me I have autism. The truth is, people don't self-diagnose themselves with a highly stigmatized disorder unless it is seriously impacting their lives.

2. Autism, especially in girls and bipoc, is often missed. If they can learn to mask it, it doesn't get diagnosed. I got straight A's all throughout high school, and I had teachers tell me that they thought I had autism, but that it was probably fine because it didn't impact my academics or my life. Spoiler alert: it did! People think that when a seemingly functional person claims to have autism, they are hopping on a trend, but most of the time, they are suffering. I was depressed and sometimes suicidal before I figured out I had autism. I got called a psychopath for things that should have been recognized as symptoms of autism, and a lot of the time I believed it because I didn't have any other words for myself. Our society is shitty and if you aren't a little cis white boy, it's much harder to get diagnosed.

3. Diagnosis is expensive, and hard to access! A lot of people don't realize that it's a privilege! It costs a lot of money to get diagnosed, money that not everyone can afford. It's also hard to get a diagnosis because of social stigma, especially if you figure out you have some form of neurodivergence under the age of 18. I'm a month shy of being a legal adult, and I know that while I'm working towards it, it will be a while before I can get properly tested and diagnosed. My mother, who would scream if she ever saw me wearing noise cancelling headphones in public, is not going to help me get a diagnosis. My mother, who has thrown what can practically be considered temper tantrums over me stimming (literally just tapping my fingers against each other) is not going to help me get a diagnosis. The children of parents who aren't ready to give up their image of a perfect child and think autism can be wished away don't have the same access to diagnosis as the children of parents who are willing to work with them and contribute financially, and neither does any adult who has gotten through life alright but struggles financially because They Have A Disability!!!

In conclusion, don't shame people who diagnosed themselves. I absolutely think the end goal should always be to work toward a professional diagnosis, but that isn't always feasible for people, and we can't sit around slowly drowning in the meantime. If you are worried about self diagnosed people taking away resources: guess what, there are no resources!

Self-diagnosis shouldn't be quick. It comes after a long time spent diving through symptoms and diagnostic criteria. But it gives people without access to diagnosis the ability to nonetheless understand themselves better. For me, it means being able to say "I'm overstimulated, I'm going to find a quiet place" instead of sitting and suffering. It means being able to say "I'm going to sit on the floor instead of my desk, because that grounds me and stops me from spiralling". It means stimming when I'm overwhelmed, and stopping when I need to, all without shaming myself or thinking of myself as lesser for not being able to do things I was told I should be able to.

#long post #autism #autistic #peer reviewed autism #undiagnosed autistic #undiagnosed neurodivergent #neurodivergence #neurodivergent

[psychoticallytrans]

There's this idea, fairly common in society, that mental illness is for teens and up. Children are happy little creatures, generally, right? Sometimes they're abused and the trauma can make them mentally ill, but that's not common.

There are two fundamental problems with this attitude. One, it's incorrect to assume that trauma is the only reason a young kid can be mentally ill. Two, trauma is more common than people think. I'll be covering the first problem in this post through the lens of my particular experience.

Where I live, you can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 years old. You cannot be diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a minor. This poses a problem because my age of onset was in first grade, roughly six years old. Because of the fact that I was very young and new to the world, this was also the age of my first suicide attempt. Thinking I wouldn't be able to pass a spelling test genuinely felt like something worth trying to die over. So, I ate some hemlock, since I'd read about Socrates being killed with it. Luckily, I ate western hemlock, an unrelated species, and just felt kind of sick.

I'm not recounting that for fun or pity. I'm recounting it because children with mental illness are in genuine danger because they have little to no experience with managing their emotions, have little to no concept of the idea that their life can change and improve, and are dismissed by adults. I told a teacher that the test made me want to die, though not that I'd attempted to, and it was brushed off as little kid hyperbole. If I had used a method that was effective rather than one I thought would be, I would have been dead at six years old.

I would not receive medication that worked even a bit for another two years. I would not receive treatment for bipolar disorder specifically for ten years, and that required my PCP fudging the reason for the medication because she was afraid I would die if she didn't, and diagnosis was still two years off at minimum. I received a formal diagnosis at age 19, thirteen years after onset.

But surely that's uncommon, right? This story is a huge edge case, right? I actually have no idea, because age of onset and age of diagnosis are massively conflated for most disabilities. Policies like the one in my area that restricted bipolar diagnoses by age can artificially raise the age of "onset", in my case by thirteen years. The general idea that children are somehow immune to mental illness can also delay diagnosis by several years, perpetuating the idea that young children can't be mentally ill. The data on when people start experiencing mental illness is inherently skewed upwards, and I frankly don't have a good estimate on how bad that skew is. If anyone does have that data, please chime in.

Listen to children. If they're saying they're sad all the time, that they don't care about anything, that they don't see a future for themselves, those are signs of depressive symptoms. If they say that tests make them feel sick, that they can't do anything because they're scared, that they can't breathe and freeze up, those are signs of anxious symptoms. Many children talk about imaginary things, and that's just fine, but slip in a question or two about them to make sure that the kid is just playing, and not experiencing psychosis.

Children are new to the world and vulnerable, and they don't know what's normal and what isn't. They need people who are more experienced watching out for problems they might be having, and listening when they talk about having problems. If you can, try to be the person who perceives them, and tells them that things can be better.

[secret-subject]

Why are we so convinced ADHD (and other neurodivergent people) can't be hypnotized?

This is something I've thought about a lot lately. So a little context of why:

So I've been doing hypnosis for about 12 years now. Back when I was 18 I joined the irc chat on WMM and started being hypnotized pretty much daily. I did files and I had dominants to play with and that continued for a long time. By the time I was in my mid 20's I was extremely easy, in fact too easy. The culture back then also wasn't the greatest for me and my subject agency was pretty mid (gotta love hindsight) but again, I was known for having a very good and very squishy brain. In 2022, my Mum was diagnosed with ASD but also got a surprise ADHD diagnosis. Now, we are very similar so she insisted I get tested and low and behold I have ADHD, inattentive subtype.

This blew my mind because for the longest time I had the clear signs of undiagnosed ADHD but a lot of these things were assumed came from my history of doing a buttload of conditioning files, my health conditions and just being "like that". By this stage I had stopped being hypnotized myself and focused on my role as a dominant and content creator because that for me was something I just had to focus on. My switching stopped and I didn't go under for about three years.

So now, I took a hiatus to go and try something else and when I came back I was stressed and got back into testing out files again. (Also super lucky in this time some friends of mine became hypnosis creators so that was a great way to dabble with people I can trust). My first few experiences were like getting on a bike after years of not riding. It was a little wobbly but soon with practice I was right back where I left off and now even better than that. I think right now I'm getting some of the literal deepest trance experiences ever. It's hard to describe but all I'll say is "oooof".

So why is this backstory important?

Because this is one very clear narrative of a person who had undiagnosed ADHD and found hypnosis very achievable with time, practice and a buttload of conditioning with the right people. Because my ADHD was not a factor until now, I never got told, "you can't be hypnotized" this self fulfilling proficy that makes people feel like this isn't for them which for me seeing this narrative in online spaces breaks my heart for the people who see this and feel that is their label and that is what sticks.

I think it's not our place to say who can or cannot be hypnotized as a general rule because there are not general rules in hypnosis. You can't look at someone and assess them based on factors you don't know or understand. In this world there are very few people who straight up cannot be hypnotized at all to some degree (far less then even the research people keep quoting says at this point) and this is why I feel so strongly that we need to instead of trying to label entire groups as "not good for play" to instead change the narrative to "let's see what works for more people" because brains are different and hypnosis can not be a one size fits all approach. It's too subjective for that.

This is also the biggest reason I made the ADHD hypnosis kink audio recently. I used my knowledge of hypnosis and some research on presentations of ADHD in combination to make something I felt was quite special. Maybe in the future this is something I can work on again because I want all the ADHDers with a hypnosis kink to be able to harness that hyperfocus and those skills we have to make kinky fun times extra fun.

So like, is it time we gave up generalizations on people like this? I know I'm ready to not hear my brain judged before you've even seen what it can do.

#hypnosis #hypnok1nk #adhd and hypnosis #im great at being hypnotized and i have adhd dammit

[bengiyo]

She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat 2 Eps 17-20 (Finale)

Last week gave me everything I wanted and more. The whole squad went over to Yako's place for a curry party and everyone had a great time. Later, Nagumo got a diagnosis for her condition and got to have personal time with Yako. Kasuga and Nomoto continued to work on their communication and making sure they aren't trampling over each other. They're continuing to work on this move. Seriously, we had a curry party and a s'mores party last week. We planted strawberries together. Let's finish this.

Episode 17

Looking for housing is so stressful. I was wondering if we'd get into housing discrimination in this.

Red beans in Japan are different from what we eat here. Theirs carry a naturally sweet profile that doesn't mesh well with creole cooking.

I feel like those beans needed to boil longer, but that's me thinking in my home cooking terms.

Yes, ladies, tell each other how happy you are to see each other.

@furritsubs thank you for the note about Azuki beans.

I'm really enjoying the way they're handling this situation. The realtor wasn't trying to be homophobic, but the systems he was upholding with the landlord references reinforces the status of same sex households. I also like that they acknowledged how circumstances closet people in ways that hurt them. This is good payoff from the news bit we saw earlier in season with Kasuga.

Getting a tasty treat in before going back into the fray is so valid.

Kasuga being even more affectionate about Nomoto's food now that they're dating is exactly what I wanted.

Episode 18

Oh fuck yeah, let's continue to unpack how structural homophobia makes people scared to share something that should be a joyous occasion.

Amused that Yako is the primary person using Nomoto's given name.

Are we going to have a takoyaki party next??

COME THROUGH, YAKO!!! You gotta help your folks get through this bullshit, but never let them forget that it's bullshit!!

I am relieved that we checked in with Ms. Fujita about divorcing her husband at the same time as we're working through LGBT housing issues. Single divorced women likely also face huge challenges in housing when marriage is the goal we're being pushed into.

Wow, Sayama, you are in contention for the Yihwa Best Girl Award this year. You are an ally. Love the way she examined how what she said might have been hurtful.

Feeling like you somehow failed because you didn't get married in your 20s is so real. I sometimes struggle with this in my 30s.

This show uses its characters to illustrate its political points in a way that feels gentle and accessible, but also carries a sense of urgency. Women are facing extreme reproductive pressure right now, and it's clearly not making those who don't already want husbands and children happier. Hell, it's making them resentful to the point of divorce as they get older.

Hold on. Gotta cry a bit about Nomoto telling Kasuga that being told outright that hiding who they are upset her made her feel better got me.

Episode 19

Takoyaki Party let's goooooo!!!

A party where you cook together like this is always so much fun. We had fun with some friends' kids a few weeks ago teaching them how to make pancakes and letting them add their own toppings before, during, and after cooking.

Nagumo managed to enjoy a bite of food with them. Hold on. Crying again.

We've seen takoyaki a few times lately, and I am very impressed with this cooker.

Yako, tactful as always, is gonna check on Nagumo. I love her.

This is so important. Couple formation does affect the friends around them, and I'm really glad Yako let Nagumo voice that she supports her friends even as she knows she's going to miss the dynamic they've had. Yako is so right to point out that a change doesn't mean it's over, and their friendship will last if we all continue to reach out.

This realtor scene is so good. I like how politely she asked for them to disclose their relationship with the express purpose of securing ideal housing, and we're getting into how the financing of housing can affect people's privacy. She's also owning that landlords can discriminate against couples. I also appreciate that their meeting room was private.

I'm ready for the moving in party!

Episode 20

They got the house!!

A crab cream croquette party!!!

Wait, where's Nagumo? I wanted her to try a croquette too!

We are on the bed together. This is not a drill.

Yes, let's acknowledge that they have liked each other since season 1.

The intimacy question is on the floor!

They are finally hugging!

NOW KISS!!!

That was very sweet, and felt right for them. I'm glad they had that moment in the old place before they moved.

Cried because of Ms. Fujita and Nagumo possibly getting hired.

So glad Yako and Nagumo are still hanging out! That's really how some friends groups will be. Two people will just gel at a party and grow close.

Oh hell yeah we're at casual intimacy now.

I'm so excited to see where the TV goes next season!!

Oh my goodness Kasuga is wearing a lighter sweater!!!!!!

Final Verdict: 10, Go Watch This Immediately and Then Show it to a Friend. Seriously, do not make excuses for yourself. You owe it to yourself to watch this show. Between this, Ossan's Love Returns, and What Did You Eat Yesterday? coming back, we cannot stop supporting our shows about older people getting together and forming their own forms of family. This show built on the foundation of its first season and made every little detail feel so potent and impactful. I did not expect the pen pal to grow into a trusted confidant and core member of this friend group, nor was I expecting the women at the supermarket to help Kasuga as much as they did. This season was excellent, and will be joining WDYEY on my comfort watch rotation.

Big thanks to @furritsubs and friends for making this watch possible.

#Ben watches #tsukuritai onna to tabetai onna #she loves to cook and she loves to eat #japanese gl #gl series

[ifwebefriends]

dude . . . that post where you said you liked nagito not because he's a depressed uwu bad boy but a traumatized complex cancer patient . . . we are the same lmao i literally made a research paper on his overall condition. very interesting case study ngl

That’s so cool! I’d be interested in reading your paper if you’re comfortable sharing. It’s nice to see that not everyone boils Nagito down to a generic bad boy tumblr sexyman. I actually have a lot of feelings about him and how he affected me personally because I can relate to him in a weird kinda hyperbolic way.

Okay it’s trauma dump time now strap yourself in. (TW suicide, cancer, COVID-19, needles, medical treatment)

I’m actually a cancer survivor myself (stage 4 breast cancer diagnosed in July 2020) and because of COVID and cancer I took a gap year in my education (I had just graduated high school and was set to start college) to go through treatment, so I had a lot of time on my hands to play video games and watch TV shows. So I ended up playing Danganronpa 1 and 2 in like October through November of 2020 (I would have played V3 then too but I didn’t have access to it yet).

When I first started chemotherapy in August of that year I tried to stay optimistic, hopeful, and cheery about everything, I didn’t want people to worry and pity me (right after my diagnosis, the most painful part of it all was watching all my loved ones worry so much about me) and I was told that I would most likely survive it. But round after round of chemo along with the rampaging global pandemic that I was honestly more scared of (I was immunocompromised because of chemo and I live in a country that generally didn’t take mask-wearing or quarantine seriously) gradually wore down my spirit little by little. By November when my treatment plan got extended (at least two more rounds of chemo than initially expected) I was worn out, miserable, hopeless, and borderline suicidal. This was around when I played SDR2 for the first time.

When I first played through the game I thought that Nagito was kinda just a fun character who made the game more of a challenge since he was kinda working against you. I never hated him or anything (my first reaction to him was actually “OH MY GOD IT’S THE FINGERS IN HIS ASS GUY!!!!”). Then after I finished the game I read online that if you talk to him in his free time events (I later did the free time for all the characters myself in school mode) you eventually find out that he has cancer and dementia and that’s when my whole perception of him shifted. I felt a sense of comraderie and unity with him that I feel with other cancer patients/survivors. Also, due to my piss poor mental and emotional state at the time I found myself really relating to him in a way. I felt strangely seen and understood.

Needless to say, even in this dark time in my life, I wouldn’t even consider doing the things that Nagito did in SDR2. Nevertheless, I guess I related to him because he represented my specific agonies and pains to a hyperbolic degree. Due to cancer and the treatment related to it, I was angry, hopeless, frustrated, and at a severe disadvantage while the whole world was suffering as well. (Cough cough chapter 3 dispair disease cough cough)

I think generally that the emotional and mental health aspect of having cancer and the general dark parts of having cancer aren’t talked about enough. A lot of people like to make it this hopeful empowering thing and I think it’s fine to do that, it’s good to have hope and strength in times like that, but when one can’t stay strong and hopeful in those circumstances it doesn’t really hit well. And I think that’s what Nagito represents to me. He represents someone beaten down by his life circumstances that he had no control over, and while he puts up an optimistic front, he’s not the #strong #sobrave chronically ill person that seems to be really common in modern media. He represents the dark side and the brutally negative emotions that can come from chronic illness or just shitty life circumstances. He doesn’t care much about his own life or well-being, he’s basically given up. But he wants his short life to mean something good so desperately. In his own way he cares about the people around him and the world around him, he just thinks he can’t have a place in that world. He’s willing to hurt and kill people in order to, in his eyes, make the world a better place at the cost of himself. He’s like an antithesis or foil to other cancer patient characters I’ve seen who have a generally more positive saccharine outlook on their condition and their life (I.e. Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars).

Thankfully I’m much happier and healthier these days, I’ve been done with chemo for over two years and while I’m still going through some treatment related to it (hormone suppression pills and shots since my cancer was ER+) but it pales in comparison to what chemo did to me. I may not relate as heavily to Nagito as I used to, but he still holds a special place in my heart. I see him now and still think of him as a flawed but sympathetic character who was a twisted mirror of my deep-seeded physical and emotional pains that I felt back during the most miserable time of my life. At that time, I couldn’t see the light, so he sat with me in the darkness.

Nagito’s story isn’t really a story about having or surviving cancer.

Thankfully my story has a happy ending as I survived cancer and am still in remission. I am much happier and healthier now and I have a new appreciation for life, how fragile it is, and the little joys that make it what it is. I don’t relate to Nagito as much now as I did back when I was going through cancer treatment, but when I look at him, I’m reminded of how he reflected the darkness inside of me during my worst times and how comforting he was to me.

Thankfully I beat cancer and I am much happier and healthy now, but I still look at Nagito and remember the dark comfort he gave me through my worst of times.

#sorry this response took so long!! #nagito komaeda #ask #asks #komaeda nagito #long post #trauma dump #cancer #cancer survivor #cancer survivorship #cancer survival #tw cancer #cancer tw #super danganronpa 2 #danganronpa #sdr2 #suicide #tw suicide #suicide tw #chemo #chemotherapy #analysis #he just like me fr

[lgbtmi]

(gehenna-calling) let's have some eva lore!! 2, 9, 17, 21, 27, 35

EVA LORE EVA LORE EVA LORE @gehenna-calling YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME

69 ttrpg character questions (send me some too if u want!!)

2. what was your original concept for this character? how did playing them change that concept?

The creation of Eva was a labour of love between me and one of my friends. The ST for the game is very laid back and easygoing, and didn't ban any clans. We were thinking of two thinbloods looking for their sires for a bit, but then I asked him "what if it's a thinblood and their sire in the same coterie though?" since the game is an After the Fall, and the city's to shit, so who cares about the Traditions, right? I asked the ST if he'd be okay with it, he said go for it, and then shit went downhill real quick. Banu Haqim Sire who is a police officer named Adam with Eva, his high school sweetheart who is terminally ill and thus keeps getting arrested for petty crimes was a lovely way to get this character rolling. The terminally ill bit rolled out of me picking thin-blood flaws and merits for her, as I think lifelike and vitae dependency should work like illness, and the ST is once again on my side, so her search for health is just a great concept I suppose :3 She hasn't changed much yet in my playing her, though. In my defense, I've played her a shocking total of two times so far... but I'm having a lot of fun with her so far <3

9. when in their life were they most scared?

Probably when they were diagnosed for the second time. The first time, she was mostly hopeful and ready to just get over the cancer. The second time, it hit her harder because chances of survival dropped so significantly. She wasn't ready to die, still isn't, and the ever looming threat of the end of her life really scared her shitless for a couple of weeks.

17. they’re crying—what did it take to make them cry?

Eva's one of those people who don't really have control of their tear ducts. If she gets too emotional (be it angry, sad, or overly happy), she will tear up. Hell, if the air's too dry, there will be tears. She's doing her best in keeping her emotions under control, though, because it doesn't look professional. She used to keep everything bottled up, but since her diagnosis she's gotten less bottly and more open, simply because there's no reason to keep everything in anymore. And hey, when she gets incredibly nauseous due to medication she's on, she's going to cry about it.

21. do they have an idea about how they’ll die? do you?

Getting embraced by her high school sweetheart was not how she thought she was going to go out. She always expected death to come swiftly. Metastases that would eventually drain the life out of her. And it's not like it's going any better now that she's been embraced. She gets sick often still, symptoms that bring back the lingering fear of death. Adam might have said this would fix her, but she's unsure, since she's still sick and she feels like she's dying every so often. It'd only make sense for her to succumb to the disease. Her ambition is finding a cure, though, a way for her to live out her vampiric days without sickness. At which point, with the state of her city currently, the SI is probably going to get her.

27. how do they usually dress? why do they dress the way they do?

Eva was born and raised in a family with money, money that comes from a family business. Due to that, she's always been told to dress properly, and she has kept that up even now. Her go-to outfits can best be described as business casual, but she knows when to dress business chique if the situation asks for it. She prefers dresses over pants as they feel less restrictive, but she's also not immune to a good suit or a nice pair of pants. Sometimes she might even prioritise the way she looks over the way an outfit might make her feel.

35. when did they feel loneliest?

Eva's no stranger to feeling lonely. Her family have mostly made her feel like she's an expendable resource, her brother actively works against her, and due to her family's legacy, she's never been quite sure if people liked her for her, or for her family. The worst day of her life was probably the day her best friend from a support group passed away, though. They always had each other, but now she's once again on her own.

#gehenna calling #eva-ngelical #my characters #she's so normal and fine i'm so excited to play her again tomorrow ;A; #me? thinking of silly ways things work together? it's more likely than you think

[thewiseaustralain]

I need yalls advice for a mo. Pretty much every adult I speak to about this tells me it's tough love but all my friends are telling me that is abusive and/or neglectful.

So yeah I need yall to tell me if the following list of actions from my parents is abusive or not.

Telling me to harden up bc I said that ~~~body areas~~~ hurt after cycling for like 5 hours which is not something I've ever done except for that time

Told to "stop being such a bitch" when I was stressed, in considerable pain, extraordinarily dysphoric and period hormones where making me more of a mess than usual

Also been told "don't be such a fucking cow" when I had a migraine so bad half my face was dropping like I was having a stroke. Was also told "the people in Ukraine have it much worse right now so stop complaining" in the same conversation

Had unsolicited weight comments after asking if a shirt that I was wearing was pulling across my shoulders bc I hadn't worn it in a while and I could fell it was pulling weirdly

Been mocked/sternly talked to about liking sewing and having a special interest in historical fashion and historical sewing techniques. Have also been mocked/had remarks about my choice of music, film and TV

Had medical problems ignored/put aside until they couldn't be ignored anymore in my defence I was the main one doing it to myself and my family is really busy

Not gotten any support aside from an initial diagnosis about my mental health problems

Been told off for not cleaning the house 100% perfectly the FIRST time I did it

Been asked to get a towel for my dad eventhough he was closer to the towel cupboard than me. My dad has also treated me like a maid multiple other timed. See 8 as an example of other times

Called one of my best friends, who has severe phone anxiety as well as adhd, hopeless bc she didn't reply back to a text I sent at like 10pm after 12 hours

Had multiple things I know more about manslpained to me

Been asked "why don't you just hit back?" mockingly after other boys kept miming punches and slaps at me (I was 9 when this happened)

Been told to stop having tics so I suppress them anytime I am home with ANYONE

Been told "don't kick your mother, you can't do that" after I used my foot to GENTLY fend of her poking me

Been mocked and guilted about my food choices. Example 1: got a huge $20 bowl of soup when me and my dad were out, got made to feel guilty about my father spending that much money for a single meal for me that I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Example 2: been made fun of by multiple people including both my parents for my weird and irregular eating habits and been told not to eat really any of my comfort foods (which I really eat anyway)

#is this allowed #is this abuse #i need answers #i dont fucking know

[phawareglobal]

Brin Marks - phaware® interview 419

My name is Brin Marks. I am currently residing in Alberta Canada. I was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension about three years ago. A few months prior to when everything happened, I had noticed that I was overly tired. I would get lightheaded and dizzy and my hearing would be muffled. I didn't think anything of it because I was diagnosed with severe asthma at the age of four, and I had allergy testing so I just thought it was my allergies and asthma at the time. I was in gym class one day. I was playing soccer. I remember running to the goalpost from the opposite team and everything had just gone black. My hearing was muffled. My gym teacher told me that I was out for five minutes. I was rushed to hospital, because when I collapsed I was also seizing. It was the local hospital initially, but they sent the test off to the Stollery Children's Hospital and I was admitted there and I had to do MRIs, a lot of blood work. Then they diagnosed me with pulmonary hypertension. My mom was in the medical field, so she had heard about pulmonary hypertension. My grandma, my mom and my uncle were the ones who heard my diagnosis, who were there in the room with me. They were crying. Obviously, it was really sad. I was more so in a daze, I guess is the best way to put it, because you never think that this stuff is going to happen to you personally. I was just living my life and playing basketball, and then all of a sudden everything just flipped on me. The doctors were looking at me like I had eight heads because I wasn't saying anything. It was an interesting experience, because I was being told I wouldn't be able to have children, I wouldn't be able to play basketball again. I had told them I can still have a baby through adoption. Surrogacy is a thing. I just can't carry children. You never think at the age that I was, you'd be hearing that kind of news, because I had my life planned out for what I wanted. I was in a daze and that lasted for a while. It definitely had an impact on me socially. I still have social anxiety. It definitely had an impact on the friendships that I've had. I didn't have oxygen right from the get-go, but it was a few months after the fact that they put me on oxygen. Everybody in my gym class was there, so they had known. It just flew around the school. So, once I got oxygen, I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was the most awkward and embarrassing experience, because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to get along with people. It was very cliquey at that school, so everybody had their friend groups, and once I was on oxygen, everybody would just stare at me in the hallways. I still have a lot of social anxiety because of it. I've learned to be patient with myself though, because I deserve it. My body needs it. It was interesting to say the least. I definitely used art as an outlet. I've always been into drawing ever since I was little and could hold a pen. Art was definitely one of my go-tos, especially my art class. My teacher was amazing. He was so funny. So, that was definitely one of the biggest things for me to distance myself from reality, get rid of my anxiety for a little bit. I also am very much into reading, and so that really helped me at the time as well as listening to music. I just tried to take advantage of all of my hobbies to distance myself from my new life, I guess you could say. So me and my mom, we've always had a very close relationship, but since I was diagnosed with this, it has been a fun experience because her and I have been doing a lot of things for PHA Canada once we discovered them and their organization. We've definitely made the most of it. When it comes to my clinic days and I have to do my six-minute walk test, her and I always put Uptown Girl on and we blast it in the hallways while we walk for the six minutes, because she walks along with me. She's always there right by my side. She's my buddy. But definitely listening to Uptown Girl has been one of the best things that has made this whole experience feel better and made it more positive. So we've definitely been making the best of a bad situation, I guess you could say. So, me and my mom, we have this little thing that we do, and it's called Collect the Wins. Every day, after my dad's done working and I'm done with work, because I work part-time, we sit down and we talk and we talk about all of the wins that we've had throughout the day. One might be that I wasn't as tired as I'd usually be. That would be one of our wins. That I wouldn't be tired while walking up the stairs to go get changed is another win. That is probably the best thing that I could give to other people, is collecting the wins, because having a positive outlook on life has definitely helped my journey because I feel like if I had a negative outlook, I wouldn't be where I am today. I definitely say to everybody collect the wins, even if it's a little win to everybody else, it still deserves to be celebrated. That is what has helped me. That is what has helped my mom. That is what has helped my dad throughout this whole experience. Ever since this past February, I've been transitioned into adult care. It's definitely been a positive experience. I have the honor of having Dr. Jason Weatherald as my specialist. He has a lot of brains for sure, which is really comforting, because if I have any questions, he's just straightforward and he answers them. It was definitely different because in pediatrics, they usually talk to the parents since I was a minor at the time, so it wasn't necessarily like they were talking to me about the treatments that I was going to be getting. That was one of my struggles, because I wanted to be talked to just so that I was in the know. Ever since transitioning, it's been awesome because obviously he talks to me now, directly to me, and I get to make the decisions on what I want for my care moving forward from this point on. It's been one of the greatest things I could ask for throughout this whole thing is having Dr. Weatherald as my specialist. He is honestly, incredible. People aren't lying when they're talking about him. He's incredible. It's been one of the highlights, I'd say, of this whole journey. One thing I will say is that it was very exciting once me and my mom became ambassadors for PHA Canada. My mom and I had been doing fundraisers through the Stollery and for PHA Canada. Even before we were ambassadors, we would be a part of the Zoom meetings that they put on just because we wanted to be a part of the PH community. When I was diagnosed, it was a very lonely thing because we didn't know that there were other people here in Canada who had PH because it sounded like the most rare disease that's out there. We had done a lot of fundraising, been involved a lot with putting on little events for the kids in pediatrics just through Zoom meetings, because of COVID and everything. My mom had actually become an ambassador before I did. They had asked her through a meeting that they had, and obviously she accepted. Then, not too long after, they had a meeting with me and asked me some questions about why I wanted to be an ambassador, what that would mean for me to be an ambassador. They finally told me that I would represent PHA Canada. I was so excited that day I was jumping up and down. It was insane. Definitely, from this point moving forward, I want to be a sound voice for all of the kids who can't stand up for themselves necessarily, or can't voice what they would like when it comes to their medical care. Even though I was a teenager when I was diagnosed, I know for me that it was definitely hard advocating for myself, and my mom was the one who would talk for me because I was too nervous to. I want to be that voice for kids specifically, since that's where I started, and just stand up for them and give them a voice and make them feel like there's hope for living a fulfilling life with PH. Even though it looks different, you can still accomplish the things that you want to. It's just not necessarily the route that you'd want to take. That is my goal throughout this whole thing is just giving people hope and be a good support system for other people. My mom, she's been making a lot of changes, especially within the government because now we have funding for oxygen, which is incredible. Things like that is something I want to be a part of because when I was a kid, I always told my mom, "I want to change the world," and so I'm hoping that this is my way that I can do that for other people. My name is Brin Marks, and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: [email protected]

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

[allaboardthedissociativetrain]

Things People Have Said To Us

Okay, so, to be honest, sharing this (relatively small) list is why I created this blog, because the Things that’ve been said to us is wild, and I wanted to vent. 

(List under the cut).

TW: Some of the things in the list are a bit vulgar, and #6 contains a rant where I mention why and how DID isn’t “fun,” and some alters wanting to commit suicide. It begins with “Isn’t it fun?” 

As a little context/backstory: I fucked up and shared with the wrong people what I was experiencing and then the eventual diagnosis in an attempt to find support. Long story short, they “spread the word,” so people I didn’t know well ended up knowing. I tried to be open minded and educate and spread awareness to these people after realizing I fucked up, but a lot of it was wasted breath. We live and we learn. I just feel badly for the rest of the system, because those that have slightly different mannerisms would get pointed at, asked questions, etc. and couldn’t get by on people not noticing they’re not me (the host) because they don’t know there’s a system to look for. (Kudos for them for pretending not to know what people were talking about. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, am I right? /lh).

The majority of this list was said by the same person.

                                                         ******

“I want to teach the littles how to swear!”

Why tf is that the first thing you think of when learning about the existence of littles? What’s wrong with you?

“I want to fuck you to make you more punk-rock.”

I don’t remember this one. Someone I actually don’t regret telling, who didn’t spread the word or etc., who’s a friend of mine, told me this one since they were in the room when it happened. It was said to a caregiver who has trouble disguising the slight vocal change between us. He happens to like rock music. 

I have no idea what this even means btw.

“I wish I could trigger out someone whenever I wanted.”

Said after learning about “positive” and negative triggers and how they can pull someone forward whether they want to or not, and how certain people can be one of these triggers for certain alters. 

Fun fact! This isn’t cute. It’s disrespectful and comes off as manipulative, like you think this is a game, and like it’s a power-play. Believe it or not, no one would like you for this.

“No! Don’t come out! Let (host) stay!”

Not said by the same person but someone who’s openly said I’m (the host) am their “favorite,” and, if they notice or think they notice a switch happening, they tend to say this. 

Switches are very, very rarely planned, and even rarer is when a wanted switch actually happens. For us, switches in general don’t happen too often recently, maybe like once or twice a week- more if we’re in a new environment with a lot of activity or in an old, trauma-associated one. Likewise, there are a few in the system where switches are “easier” between me and them but are more gradual and fluid, so we end up blurring for a little bit and getting confused on who’s who, etc. We basically co-front/co-con for a hot sec before fully switching. This is when this would be said. 

We tried explaining once not to say this because it hurts feelings and isn’t helpful or conductive, but this person doubled down, so we gave up.

“(Insert-name here) is my favorite.”

Okay? I don’t know what to do with this information. This comment has usually been made about me (host), but also, by the person who a lot of these comments are from, about someone, a host-turned- persecutor-turned-protector, who’s never introduced himself to them because he doesn’t like them and also doesn’t like being acknowledge as being out. (He’s actually pretty good at speaking and acting like me but is not a people-pleaser like I am and is chronically “I’m too tired for this shit”).

“Isn’t it fun? It’s like having a built-in best friends in your head!”

No. It’s going through repeated trauma throughout your young childhood where the people who were supposed to love and protect you didn’t and either hurt/violated you or didn’t protect you from being hurt/violated repeatedly. It’s, realizing at a young age without realizing it, that you need to be All The Things to protect yourself to the extent that your identity was disrupted from integrating into a whole, single identity (singlet). It’s a survival technique that your subconscious chose. It’s something that remains with you, in many cases, forever, even when you’ve escaped from the environment that made dissociating integral for surviving. It’s not remembering years of your life and chunks of your time. It’s having to share one body and one life with up to dozens of others and realizing you can’t just do whatever you want because it could hurt or upset others in the system. It’s learning that there are some in the system who don’t like being alive and think not being alive, overall, would be the best for the system. It’s having some in the system who perpetuate your abuse because they don’t know anything else and believe it’s needed. It’s having flashbacks and believing nothing is real. 

Yes, there are funny moments and some of us are friends. But we’re basically roommates in one head that didn’t choose to be roommates. 

“Damn it, I want to talk to (insert-name here).

Gee, thanks. Don’t know what you want me to do about that, bud.

“I don’t like (insert-name-here).” 

Listen, you’re allowed to not like someone. But you don’t need to tell me or any of the others. Every one of us exists for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason is. Even if I don’t get along with someone, I will still get irked if you try to shit-talk them. That, and this will catch our gatekeeper’s/protector’s (I call them “the manager” for reasons you can guess) attention, and you’ll be put on what’s essentially a system-wide “unsafe” list, where, even if we don’t know why, we all know you’re not a person to talk to. 

“*Interrogates an alter once they think they’re a fictive.*”

 This is annoying. Fictives aren’t a perfect replica of their source and exist because something in the brain was like “Hey, this person has xyz quality that this system needs.” Sometimes, yes, they come in not knowing they’re an alter or what have you, but, especially in our system, many consider themselves “adjacent” from their source. As in, “Yes, I have their name, looks, and similar behavior, but I’m not That Person, and I can (and will) end up liking things or talking in a certain way that doesn’t ‘match,’ because I’m not That Person.” 

Fictives don’t exist to live out your fantasy. Fictives don’t exist to be determined whether or not they’re “accurate.” Fictives aren’t consciously chosen by someone else in the system. 

“Are you an introject of Luke Hemmings?”

From what I was told, the response was: “No, but you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” 

“(Insert-name-here) is my type. Is he into guys? I want to fuck him.” 

Believe it or not, none of the comments about fucking one of us is said to me; it’s said to the earlier mentioned caregiver for some reason. My brother in Christ, what do you expect to get out of this? Do you think this info won’t be shared? Do you not realize we all share a body? Why do you feel the need to share this information? 

El Fin. Thank you guys for coming to my TedTalk.

#dissociative identity disorder #dissociation #dissociative alters #mental health #vent #d.i.d system #d.i.d #did awareness #this is one of the many reasons I don't even tell friends I have D.I.D. #I don't mind if you ask questions just be considerate about it #it's not hard to be kind and considerate #maybe I need to be better at finding good friends

[opha]

traumadumping, disregard

tws: sexual assault, medical abuse, genital-focused language, cancer, all the good stuff.

there’s a very good informational post about pap smears and HPV going around right now that i struggled for roughly an hour with trying to add info to without traumadumping and i evidently could not.

see, i had a very fun pap near the end of last year where my genius pcp decided that she didn’t need to lube the speculum for her patient with fibromyalgia (which means i experience pain on an amplified scale compared to other people) and chronic pelvic pain. i should know better by now than to think when a doctor says something may be uncomfortable, i’m not going to have to grit my teeth to keep from screaming. in her infinite wisdom, my pcp decided getting it done ASAP was more important than listening to me or mitigating my pain in any way, and settled for giving me half-panicked reassurances that “there won’t be any bleeding!”

she left the room looking scared for her job, and good tbh.

from that pap, i got a shiny new high-risk HPV diagnosis. the fun thing? i only could’ve got it from a guy who i’ve never had any sexual contact with, via kissing my HPV-vaccinated girlfriend who had forgotten she’d just given him head. i tried to google around about vaccinated people being able to transmit HPV from other sources, and it’s basically unsearchable. there’s no solid evidence for kissing as a viable transmission route either. so even if i’d known that routine STI testing (which my girlfriend has all her other partners do before fluid bonding) doesn’t look for HPV, i wouldn’t have been able to account for this. double fun.

cancer in my family has been 100% fatal so far, going back to my great-grandparents, btw.

anyway. i still have to get a colposcopy, which is a more intensive vaginal and cervical exam that may or may not involve biopsies. i had to shop around for someone who’s trauma-informed, and basically no one who takes medicaid is trauma-informed, so i’m having to make do with “a very sweet lady” who agreed to consult with me. (that’s how the nurse described her. it’s funny, but excuse me if i don’t laugh.)

i didn’t realize until tonight, but i’m actually taking the diagnosis harder than the assault. go figure. sexual assault is old hat for me. cancer is fresher. i don’t know how to deal with it. trying to dissociate from it like i do with everything else kind of worked, until this made it real again.

i’m thinking more and more about when i tried to get a hysterectomy in my early 20s, because the pelvic pain was unbearable, i’d been trying for years to find a diagnosis, and i wasn’t in pain management yet. got told i’d want to have kids even after i said my gender identity was incongruent with having children and if i wanted to raise a child that badly, i’d adopt.

people are so fucking fixated on biological children that they’ll deny you your own bodily autonomy to preserve your theoretical ability to have them. i’m intersex, so i’m probably infertile anyway. it makes me sick.

i don’t know where i’m going with this. i just needed to put it somewhere so i can fucking sleep. i’m so tired of being nothing but the accumulation of human damage.

#week 3 of acute insomnia btw #doing great

[thedaveandkimmershow]

I lied to Santa.

Seriously. I lied. To Santa. I did it willingly and willfully, fully understanding what I was doing. And I lied my little liar pants off, year after year through grade school right up until my dad blew the lid off the whole Santa thing. So. The question was:

“Have you been a good boy, this year?”

And the answer I always gave was “Yes, Santa.” Lie. “Have you been a good boy this year?” “Yes, Santa.” Lie. “Aaaaaand I’ll just bet you’ve been a very good boy this year.” “Yes, Santa. I have. I have.” Lie again. I was shameless. Shameless… because in reality, there was plenty of objective evidence to demonstrate that I was not, in fact, a good boy. Even I couldn’t miss it. For one thing, I lied about stuff sometimes. Pretty sure that behavior doesn’t show up on the Nice List. For another, I sucked at paying attention. Had the diagnosis existed at the time, I woulda been tagged A.D.H.D.. At one point, my scout leader told my mom I was hyperactive… snd boy was she pissed. Not at him for saying it… but at me for being it. Again… not on the Nice List. In school, there were people I made fun of… not a Nice List move. There were people I ignored. I hauled off and hit one of my classmates with my lunch box one time. I tripped people sometimes… or gave them flats. I was sent to the principal’s office a bunch. I talked while the teacher was talking. I didn’t do, exactly, all of my homework. I disrespected certain teachers and authorities. I had an attitude which, as it turns out, blossomed in Junior High when my Algebra teacher’d give me an “A” for my academics but a “C” for my so-called “citizenship”. Yeah. Did. Not. Care. I drove at least two of my teachers at Lawton Elementary to distraction. They actually lost it and yelled at me. At home, I was subject to groundings and no-TV days and weeks as a result of various misbehaviors. I don’t know how often those punishments came up, but again… These were not the behaviors of a Nice List denizen. On top of all that, there were any number of good kids I could look at and decide for myself. Was I like them? Nope. Did I care? Again... nope. Yeah. I wasn’t a good boy. At least… not by Santa’s standards. Not by Christmas standards. Not by academic standards. And so I lied relentlessly to Santa every. single. year. Interestingly, it didn’t occur to me until my adultier adult years that if there really was a Naughty or Nice list, if Santa really did know if I’d been bad or good… Then why the heck did he even bother asking me? He coulda just waved me off before I even got close to the Big Chair and said “Forget it, Ris, try again next year.” That, actually, would’ve made more sense to me. Instead, he asked, I lied, and come Christmas morning Lo and Behold… There were presents under the tree… For me. Of course, there wasn’t really a Santa Claus. It was my parents the whole time. My parents, who actually did know whether I’d been bad, when I’d been bad, and how often.

Had I known they were in charge of Christmas presents from the start… I probably would’ve written off getting any presents at all. Like, ever. Instead, the gifts showed up faithfully. Every year. Good ones, too. Great ones. And I did not deserve a single one. Since Santa’s list is so obviously based on merit, yeah. I didn’t deserve any of these wonderful (and wonderfully wrapped) gifts. It’s definitely, in retrospect, a master class in grace. Giving me what I didn’t deserve.  Now, of course my parents weren’t pushovers. They were a pretty strict pair with definite ideas about my education and how I should be spending my time. They were generous, yes. But it was still their house, still their rules.  And every Christmas, they blew me away. Only, for a very long time, I thought it was Santa.

#Christmas #Christmastime #holidays #Santa #love #grace #gifts #peace #family #parental units #naughty or nice list #ADHD

[anewinterpretation]

TL;DR - Gonna start posting a lot of random personal traits & struggles about being an adult living ADHD and autism because I'm dealing with some stuff (see below for "stuff"). So if you followed me for a specific purpose lol rip. But if you relate to any of it, then neat.

Hi yes hello is me and I'm (very clearly) back on my bullshit. So for those who care, if you wanna come along for this ride then bear with me because I'm about to ramble....

But back in May I made some decisions and started Season 4 of My Life™ and I started noticing little things I didn't before. Little things that make me say me being autistic was obvious in hindsight. Because now that I've got some good people around who let me just kind of.... exist.... I've been passively learning more and more about how to actually exist with my neurodivergence instead of in spite of it like I'd done for 20 years. What do you mean by that? I literally don't know. I cannot explain. Is too big of idea/feeling. Like when someone asks you to describe yourself and you lose all cognitive function for the duration of the conversation.

So a few years ago I was formally diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. The ADHD I pretty much knew but for some reason the autistic bit was a shock. And I say for some reason because, in hindsight, it was kinda obvious. Like we all took a deep look at ourselves during lockdown year right (because we didn't really have another option 🙂)? Well this happened to be right after my diagnosis so that was fun. And yeah sure like I realized that I'd been trying to fit into a neurotypical world in which I don't belong and stopped trying to fit in and yadda yadda yadda personal growth...

Basically I started learning that a lot of little traits or quirks I'd always tried to hide or change are actually like.... super common amongst autistic folx. I'd learn that not being able to process a stressful situation immediately is characteristic of ASD. Essays where I come to understand that needing certain tasks to be done certain ways and being 100% unwilling to budge on it is typical of autism. Posts that make me realize that finding comfort in learning everything about the Titanic and being obsessed with Brandi Carlile are normal things. Tweets that make me realize dumb shit I do like not realizing how loud I'm speaking or why I get stupid annoyed when the pitch of something changes or laying on the floor randomly are fairly common traits amongst people with ADHD and/or autism.

And that's because no one ever told me. People made me feel bad for being unwavering or obsessive. Maybe if I'd KNOWN I was actually autistic, I could've learned to deal with this shit sooner. But no. Now I'm fucking 26 with the communication and social skills of a 13 year old because everyone dismissed me as being the socially awkward nerd. And I just hid all those traits that I've come to figure out are normal.

So anyway I say all this to say that as I process all of this and learn to let myself just be myself, I'm gonna start posting random things I realized about myself in hopes someone can relate. And hey, maybe it'll help someone else trying to hide inside themselves.

...

Don't worry. I'll still be reblogging all my stupid tv queers too (I cant help it I mean have you SEEN Alex Cabot? Regina Mills? I mean come on)

#adhd #autism #asd #living with autism #living with adhd #relatable #hopefully #im kinda dealing with some shit

[juminsmysticmc]

Hi! I hope I am not late. Can I have RFA and minor trio with MC who wants to loose some weigh and generally start to live healthier beacause he doesn't feel good but her family or/and friends keeps saying her to give up on this and be back at her old habbits? Thank you and I love your works

RFA + Minor Trio with a Mc who wants to lose weight but gets told to drop it

Hey! Thank you so much for liking my work and that you waited for me! I hope you enjoy this Headcanon! Feel free to tell me your opinion on it! Love you!

Jumin

Right after giving birth to your son, you decided that as you were trying to get your body back again, you should start dieting.

Of course you wanted to still eat healthy enough to feed your son, however, you still tried your best not to overdo it with the sweets.

However, no matter who you met, they all shook their heads. ,,You should just drop it! Eat!’’ they told you, making you feel bad.

Even your mother seemed to not support you as she asked you why you wouldn't drop it. ,,I mean, you can’t change it forever. You will fail and go back to your old habits!’’ she sighed.

No matter what you did, people kept telling you that it wouldn’t help it, that it was lost time, and that you as a new mom should eat just the way you wanted.

,,I… I don’t understand,’’ you one day sighed as you sat on the couch, your son between your arms as he was eating. Jumin observed his son getting fed, something he liked so much…

,,Why are people trying to change my mind? I mean, they couldn’t lose weight so why should the same happen to me? I want to live healthier for myself and for my baby! Why would they make such a fuss?’’ you asked him, stroking the baby’s head.

,,They just want to see you fail, I am sure of it, Mc. Don’t worry about their opinion, just do it. I will support you,’’ Jumin said and kissed the tip of your nose, making you look up at him.

,,I will live healthier with you. Let’s eat more salad and just twice a week meat… Let’s take a walk with our baby daily and we will show people that together we can do it,’’ he encouraged you, making you feel better right away.

Zen

Ever since you were diagnosed with lymphedema, your life was upside down.

The protein accumulation in your body wouldn’t slow down and instead made you grow bigger and bigger.

The best you could do to that extent was to work out, wear compression stockings, and change your eating habits to healthier ones.

And Zen, who deeply loved you, decided to help and support you.

He saw how much you were in pain and trying to make it work out and he was truly proud when he saw that you tried your best to make it work.

He was more than proud to see that you weren’t just doing something for you, but also for other people, such as going to meetings where people with the same diagnosis tried to learn from each other.

However, not everyone was welcoming your actions and more and more of your friends didn’t think much of it.

,,I mean, you already look like it. The docs said that it can’t go away, so why try to live better? Just eat the same as you did. You can’t change it anyway,’’ they said, deeply hurting your feelings.

Did they think so low of you? 

But before you could say something, someone else already took your side. ,,Why? I mean, she wants to do something for her diagnosis and wants to change something to have a better quality of life. Why do you care? Just live your life the way you want and let her be!’’ he spoke up, making you proud.

And you knew that with him you could get through everything. He would always support you.

Yoosung 

,,Please don’t cry…’’ Yoosung begged you as you sat curled up in your shared bed, your head on your legs as you thought of all your friends making fun of you for just trying to lose weight.

They didn’t take you seriously and judged you.

,,I’m fat and people think that I won’t be able to lose weight. It makes me so depressed!’’ you said as you kept on whining.

Yoosung took you in his arms and rubbed your back, whispering in your ear. ,,You know, I think that it’s great that you want to change something in your life. You tried to take it upon yourself, so, why not? Just keep doing it! You’re doing great! And besides, people who can’t support you aren’t real friends!’’ he told you, making you look up at him. ,,Since when… are you so supportive?’’ you asked Yoosung, sniffling.

,,Ever since I met you… and now let me call those people…!’’ he hissed, making you laugh.

,,I think you’re perfect the way you are, but if you want to change something, do it. I will be here by your side,’’ he nodded.

And indeed his words were a big help as you slowly slowly began to make it work.

Jaehee

,,I‘m eating too many sweets!“ you sighed as you looked at all those cakes you and Jaehee sold in your coffee shop.

The atmosphere was cozy inside, but outside it was raining.

The music was quietly playing in the background and it was a perfect day to go to a coffee shop and enjoy the afternoon alone or with people you cherished.

You were living by that mindset, however, as you yourself worked in a coffee shop, you saw yourself more often around the sweets than you allowed yourself.

That’s how you decided for yourself that you just had to go on a diet.

It went well for one, two, three, and even four days, but after the fifth day you found yourself whining in front of another friend of yours.

She looked at you, kind of annoyed, and placed down her fork.

,,Mc, just drop it! Like, you never did it to lose weight, I mean,’’ she spoke up, making Jaehee look up from the table behind you guys that she was cleaning.

,,Whenever you try to lose weight, you always get moody and honestly, I am tired of your moods! You should have just chosen a different shop if you can’t withstand these sweets,’’ she hissed at you, almost making you tear up.

But Jaehee was furious.

The long haired girl didn’t hesitate a second to approach the both of you and quickly told her to keep her mouth shut.

,,Mc is at least trying! And if she gets moody, it’s a sign that she needs more support than ever! So never say that she is annoying again!’’

No one knew that Jaehee could glare like that and indeed, a few hours later, your friend apologized to you in a long message.

,,No one messes with you, especially not in front of me!’’

Saeyoung

Actually, your doctor made you go on that diet himself.

Well, you were pregnant and even though you had twins, you were way too big for your pregnancy.

And the risk of dangerous labor was way too big, even more as you just found out that you had gestational diabetes.

Saeyoung, even more so since he knew about all the risks, made sure to keep your diet checked up and didn’t allow you to eat more sweets than the doctor allowed you - even though you were carving them.

Not even the day when you and your sister were at the beach, Yoosung and Saeran with you, when the two of you suddenly began to talk about the pregnancy.

Saeyoung just wanted to ask you if the two of you should take a short walk in the fresh water, when he heard your sister telling you to just drop the diet.

,,I mean, you will go back to normal after giving birth anyway. Besides, the ugly marks won’t go and no matter what you do, you will grow so just enjoy your life. Saeyoung is just being weird! Don’t let him decide so much!’’ she hissed.

You looked over to her, trying to denyl her accusations. You knew more than anyone else that it was dangerous and you knew that Saeyoung was just worried, but no matter what you tried to tell her, she just didn’t want to trust you.

Saeyoung spoke up, making her immediately look up to him.

,,First of all, I haven't decided everything. I just try to make the best decisions for my wife and my baby's life. Second of all, it would be way too dangerous for Mc. Do you know that there are a lot of risks in such a pregnancy?’’ he hissed.

Your sister decided to not say anything.

With that, Saeyoung helped you to get up to go for a walk with you.

And so, hand in hand, you kissed his cheek and whispered a ,,Thank you for taking care of us,’’ while the two of you enjoyed the fresh water.

Saeran

,,I always wonder how some people can be so rude!’’ you hissed as you opened the door. You didn’t even take off your shoes when Saeran heard your annoyed voice and hurried to the door, wondering what was happening to you.

,,I mean, I told my coworkers that I am dieting,’’ you began, making him nod.

,,And they kept telling me that if I eat bananas, I will gain weight because of the sugar,’’ you told him, making Saeran nod, even though he didn’t quite understand.

,,Then they told me that I shouldn’t drink so much black tea - again because I will gain weight!’’ you kept saying, more than annoyed as you thought about the day.

Saeran was slowly beginning to understand what you wanted to tell him with your words.

,,And when I told them, that I will keep doing things like I want to do them, they told me, that I should just drop it and that I will fail anyway!’’ you hissed. Finally you could let go of the tears you were holding back the whole day.

Saeran didn’t hesitate a second to take you in his arms.

He didn’t wait to stroke your back, hug you tightly, and whisper encouraging words to you.

,,You can do it. I know you can,’’ he told you, trying to calm you down as you kept sobbing in his arms.

You two stayed like that for a while until he led you to the couch to prepare a good dinner. ,,Don’t listen to them. Just do whatever you feel comfortable with, okay?’’

Jihyun

You wanted to try weight watchers already for such a long time.

You only heard positive things about the company which lead a lot of people to lose weight without having to sacrifice their most loved foods.

And so you decided to buy the package for yourself.

And just when you began to tell people about how much you loved doing it and how much Lucy and Jihyun enjoyed your food ever since then, someone began to make you unsure.

Not only did the person tell you that day that you didn't see any changes on your body, despite that you already lost ten pounds. No, they also told you to drop it and forget it.

You were left stunned as you didn’t know what to say.

For a short moment you were unsure.

You observed your body in your mirror when suddenly Jihyun stepped in.

Immediately he noticed that something was off when he saw you observing yourself in the mirror.

Slowly you began to tell him what you had to hear today and Jihyun was more than surprised about the comment.

But he knew what to tell you in order to make you see that you indeed did lose weight.

,,Here…’’ he said, whispering in your ear, showing you the different sides of your body. ,,And here… as well as here,’’ he made you chuckle as his hands wandered all over your body.

,,You’re perfect, Mc, and I am so proud that you are changing some of your mindsets. It’s okay, live the way you want to. Don’t allow others to decide for you…’’

Vanderwood

If you knew that telling Vanderwood, your boyfriend, that Saeyoung told you to drop your diet since it wouldn’t help you anyway, would lead them to have the biggest discussion on earth, you would have just said nothing.

But no, Saeyoung made you unsure, even though he just joked and when Vanderwood asked you who made you cry, and you said that it was Saeyoung, your boyfriend didn’t wait a second more to begin to argue with the red haired man.

,,You should stop with tasteless jokes!’’ he hissed, making you press your lips together.

This was the last thing you wanted to see - them arguing.

Saeyoung kept apologizing to you over and over again and still, Vanderwood didn’t stop to warn him about treating you badly.

,,I swear to god, if you make her unsure one more time…’’ he hissed and quickly took your arm to pull you aside.

You stroked his face as he lightly pushed you against the next wand, Saeyoung no longer in the shared room you were staying before.

,,I will never allow people to hurt you… never ever,’’ he said and slowly kissed your neck…

,,Never, hear me?’’

ᗰᗩᔕTEᖇᒪIᔕT

20.11.2021// 01:07 MEST

#jumin x reader #jumin x mc #jumin han #zen hyun ryu #zen x mc #zen x reader #jaehee kang #jaehee x mc #jaehee x reader #saeyoung choi #saeyoung x mc #saeyoung x reader #seven x mc #seven x reader #707 x mc #707 x reader #luciel choi #luciel x reader #luciel x mc #saeran choi #saeran x mc #saeran x reader #jihyun kim #jihyun x mc #jihyun x reader #vanderwood x reader #vanderwood x mc #Headcanon #Mm headcanons #mystic messenger headcanon

[neonstahli]

An Updated Help Post,

I am sorry, first off. I hate asking for help but now things are very bad. I'm Blake H, a trans man living with my two best friends and our dogs during this fun quarantine 2020. As people may know from my prior post, I'm working through a fresh diagnosis of Ménière's disease. For people who do not understand or don't know of this disease, I deal with these symptoms literally every waking moment of my life:

Dizziness and Vertigo

Tinnitus, fullness, and clogging in my ear

Hearing loss (half-permanent in my right ear)

Imbalance, motion sickness, nausea

Rapid involuntary eye movement

Random spots of blindness, temp loss of vision

Fainting spells

Weakness and fatigue

It sucks.

But, I am trying to make the best of it. I have appointments made in the future to work on this. This is one expense, but this is months on now. I am functioning okay right now, thanks to help to this point. I am the only one working currently so I have to make the best of it.

But this is where things get tough now, we need rent.

What I did put aside to help with rent after the fact of things, is gone. It's been a long month here. We need a total of 715 for rent by the 1st. If anyone can help with that, I'd be beyond words.

But that's not all!

Our car is dead. We need to get a battery. Yay.

Idk prices on that, I don't speak car, but my roommate says it isn't that much, like 50 or something. We do also need 300 there for a car payment though. Yaaay. We can't drive it regardless so even if we were to get the battery we can't drive until the payment is made. Yaaaaay.

And, last but not least. The biggest and most sudden issue:

One of our dogs needs to go to the vet. Badly.

He is not doing so well. He has a bad ear problem and they are now leaking pus and brown goop/old blood, and for him, he is old himself and I can tell it causes him a lot of discomfort and pain. But the boy wags his damn tail all day regardless. He NEEDS to desperately see a vet to get medication for his ears, we have to figure out why they're draining so badly now. I was told my roommate found a place that will take him walk-in for a couple hundred (200) so I'm going to say that's my goal for my boy Charlie here, he deserves to feel better.

If anyone at all out there can help my dysfunctional household, and help us stay afloat, I'd give you the damn world if I could. If anyone requires proof of anything here, just message me. I will answer everything anyone asks of me, especially right now. I want to live, I want my kids here to survive, I want my dogs to be okay. We need this roof.

Thank you for reading and spreading if you do, I love you all and be safe.

PayPal - Venmo (@neonstahli)

Cashapp $neonstahli

(PayPal and Venmo are not labeled Blake but my birthname, which begins with an A, for anyone nervous about helping.)

#says blake #donation #donations #donation post #signal boost

[briamichellewrites]

51

Brad was visiting his son after finding out his location and his health status from Mike. He wasn’t sober but he promised to not drink before visiting him. With that, he was granted permission. He had taken a private plane back to LA to see him when he learned of his cancer diagnosis. Mike told him not to stay long because he needed to rest. He nodded before going to his room. His son was hooked up to machines. He was warned about that when he arrived.

But he wasn’t prepared for that. He was not the outgoing son he remembered. Instead, he was sitting up in bed wearing a hospital gown. It was his worst fear. What if Brian’s in the hospital and you’re not there for him? That was what Mike and Dave told him when he was drinking. What would he do if he wasn’t able to see him because he was drunk?

He started apologizing for not being there and for choosing alcohol over him. But he wasn’t ready for him to act like he was dying. He sat down beside his bed.

“I need to say it. Just in case something happens to you. Selfishly, I’m not ready. I don’t even want to think about it but I have to. I never deserved to have you as my son. I took a chance and it was the best decision I ever made. You taught me so much about life and seeing the world from a different perspective. You also taught me about treating people with respect and kindness, no matter what. I love you. I’ve loved you since the day I met you and I always will.”

He loved him too. As much as he wanted to cry, he couldn’t do that in front of him. Cancer. They started talking about whatever they could think of. Childhood memories, playing basketball with Mark, his daily routine of going on walks every night before bed, and his breakup with Matt. It wasn’t dramatic. Did he know that he had come out publicly? He nodded.

He con… ratulated him. Brad heard him struggling to speak. He asked if he congratulated him. Yes, he did. One time, he and Dave played basketball with Mark. That was a lot of fun. Who won? Mark did. He laughed. Dave watched over him and made sure he didn’t push himself too hard. Mike and Dave came in and quietly sat down. They were approached by an army recruiter. They wanted him to join the army? He nodded. What did he say?

“I said I have a heart condition and I’m transgender. He then left us alone.”

“Yeah, I remember that. That was funny because it was so random”, Dave said.

“I should have said I was gay and I thought he was cute. Remember that?”

“Yeah, I do. That would have made it funnier.”

They laughed. For the first time in over a year, the three of them were together with him. After a while, they left him to rest. They went into a private room to talk. Brad silently started crying. They sat down on the floor. What the hell is going on? What was he missing out on? He noticed he had trouble speaking and breathing. They nodded. His heart was affecting his lungs. That was making it hard for him to talk and breathe. He shook his head.

He had to see him to apologize. But, he wasn’t ready for what he saw. That was selfish to say because he wasn’t the one taking care of him. Mike wanted to unload on him. He didn’t have the right to be upset because he wasn’t the one taking him to the hospital or worrying every night about him or talking to doctors. Where was he when they were at his bedside?

He chose alcohol over him. When he left to fly back, Mike also started crying. Dave hugged him and held him. Together, they talked about their anger toward Brad. He didn’t know what they were going through. It wasn’t fair for him to say anything.

Brad Pitt Son Diagnosed With Cancer

Dave and Mike had no idea he had gone to the media about Brian’s diagnosis until they saw it on the news. Brad posted a statement saying his son was diagnosed with coronary heart disease and cardiac angiosarcoma, for which he was receiving treatment. He did not specify what treatment he was receiving, though he asked for thoughts and prayers for him.

Since Brian was in surgery, they had to wait until he woke up to ask him. They were angry because it felt like a violation of privacy. They had not permitted him to announce their son’s medical status. Those who knew Brian were given their thoughts and prayers for him. They were heartbroken because he was a great kid. It made them realize how much he impacted people and how many people remembered him. That was just who he was.

Did Brian permit you to speak to the media about his diagnosis? – Mike

Yes, he did. I asked him before you and Dave came back in. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. – Brad

Good to know. – Mike

Was he calling him a bad father? He sighed because it wasn’t the time to get into a fight with him. Yes, he was calling him that because he was a bad father. But, he was too angry and stressed out to respond to him. He told him to talk to Dave because he didn’t want to say anything he would regret later. After sending the text, he gave his phone to him.

Six hours later, they were in a conference room with the surgeon. The surgery had gone smoothly. They were able to remove almost all of the cancer cells. At most, he had five years to live. He let them process that. Mike started crying. What did that mean? They were told to keep him comfortable. Was there anything they could do? Did they want to talk to a social worker? No, thank you. They just wanted to be with their son. He would let them know when they could visit. Thank you.

“He’s going to surprise us by surpassing expectations. That’s what he does. Five years will become ten years. Maybe twenty years. I have to believe that”, Dave said.

He nodded “So do I.”

When they visited Brian, he had just woken up and was still groggy. He waved hello to them as they came over to him. How was he doing? He pointed to his heart and said they gave him a bionic heart, just like Tony Stark. They laughed. Iron Man. Did they get all of it? No, they didn’t but they could talk about that later. They wanted him to rest. He nodded.

“I dreamt of being at the Grammys with Bon Jovi. They invited me to sing with them. It was so much fun. You guys were in the audience watching me. Even the band was there.”

“That sounds like a really cool dream. What song did you sing?”

“Livin’ On a Prayer. They even hugged me and told me I was a great singer.”

“You are a great singer. Maybe that will happen someday”, Mike said.

“That would be awesome!”

They laughed. For now, he was going to think about his birthday party with everyone. What kind of pizza did he want? Meat lovers. They would get that for him. He raised his arms to express how excited he was, even though he didn’t have any energy. They laughed. He deserved to have all the birthdays in the world. Five years. A lot could happen in that short time. First, they had to think of a way to tell him.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[skywalkerstyles]

The Scorpion and The Frog(Yandere!Villain!Bakugou x reader)

Warnings: yandere! Bakugou, villain!Bakugou, crime, mentions of murder, mind games, therapy sessions, taunting

You were so nervous you were shaking. Of all the things that could have happened on your first day at Jaku Medical Center, you had to get the case file for Katsuki Bakugou.

The notorious villain, King Explosion Murder. 

He’d finally been caught, after years of terrorizing civilians, Pro Heroes Deku and Shoto had finally been able to take him down. He was confined to the hospital pending the results of a mental evaluation to see if he was set to stand trial. 

The DA said he was, but you couldn’t believe a man who slaughtered with no remorse and destroyed cities, was anything but insane. 

“If you don’t think you can handle it, we can give the case to someone else. But this is the time to prove yourself. This case could be huge for you.” Your supervisor had said. You didn’t believe him though. Anyone with any sense would be terrified to have to work with the villain. He was brash and cruel and from the murmurings you heard at lunch, he was extremely violent and even more volatile now that he was trapped and caged, in quirk cuffs twenty four hours a day. 

He was a lion. Taken from freedom. 

And now you would have to enter that cage every tuesday. 

“Don’t worry ma’am,” the security guard smiled at you reassuringly. “He’s chained to the table, he can’t even kick you. And I’ll be right here outside. Just holler if you need me.” You nodded, trying to still your racing heart. You didn’t want him to sense your fear or know of it. You need to be calm and remain professional. 

When you walked in the room, the first thing you saw was his unruly blonde hair, you averted your gaze when his eyes lifted to meet yours, but you heard the low chuckle he made as you sat across from him. The camera was already set up and in position. You pulled out the tape recorder and the notebook you had. Sighing, you took a deep breath and turned the camera and recorder on. 

The Following Documents are for the express purpose of medical research and is the sole ownership of Jaku Medical Rehabilitation Program and Facilities. Dr. Y/N L/N is currently responsible for the recorded sessions with Patient 0427 and are intended for use in legal proceedings regarding the aforementioned patient. 

Patient Name: Katsuki Bakugou

Leading Dr.: Dr. Y/N L/N

Diagnosis: TBD

Session One Transcripts from audio and visual recordings:

Bakugou: “Dumbass. You got anything to say?”

Bakugou: “You ignoring me?”

Bakugou: “Come on. Play with me sweetheart. If you’re gonna be this boring I won’t have any fun.”

Bakugou “If my hands were free I’d get you to look at me.”

Bakugou “Hey! I’m talking to you-”

Y/N: “My name is Dr. Y/N L/N. I am here with Patient 0427. It is monday, june 17th. Please. State your name for me.”

Bakugou: “Tch. Eat shit and die.”

Y/N: “Just state your name please.”

Bakugou: “You know my fucking name already.”

Y/N: “Humor me.”

Bakugou: “Tch. Bakugou. Katsuki Bakugou.”

Y/N: “Patient has never been examined before. We will be diagnosing him for the purposes of court and whether or not he is fit to stand trial-”

Bakugou: “You sayin’ I’m crazy?”

Y/N: “Well….If you're not crazy, you’re definitely going to prison and possibly death. My job is to determine whether or not you can just stay here.”

Bakugou: “So you do think I’m crazy? Huh? Is that it? You think you’re better than me?”

Y/N: “Sit down Bakugou….I would like to keep this as professional as possible. Please.”

Bakugou: “Whatever you say Princess.”

Y/N: “Dr. L/N please.”

Bakugou: “Has anyone ever told you that you have a nice face? You do. Really nice. I want to see what you look like when you cry. I bet you’re really pretty then. I bet you look even better when your face is scrunched up in agony and pain.”

Y/N: “You like to provoke people don’t you?”

Bakugou: “I like to see people’s reactions...If I burn someone, say, on their arm. I want to see their pain. I want to see their tears...It’s...exhilarating. Having that kind of power over someone.”

Y/N: “You hold the power. Their life in your hands….Do you think of all your victims as beneath you?”

Bakugou: “Hm….maybe. I know I’m the best. Better than that shitty nerd you all call a hero.”

Y/N: “You mean Pro Hero Deku?”

Bakugou: “Yeah….That one.”

Y/N: “Why do you hate him so much?”

Bakugou: “Have you….ever seen a dead body? Not when you're at a funeral. But a real, fresh dead body? Have you?”

Y/N: “Um...That is….That isn’t what we’re doing here.”

Bakugou: “I know why you’re here….You want to know why I killed all those people.”

Y/N: “You destroyed a business-”

Bakugou: “I accidentally let my quirk off.”

Y/N: “You and I both know it wasn’t an accident.”

Bakugou: “Do we?”

Y/N: “Bakugou this isn’t funny! The DA is chomping at the bit! He’s just waiting for me to find you sane so he can lock you up and throw away the key! If you want me to help you, you have to trust me.”

Bakugou: “.......”

Bakugou: “This could be fun….I like you.”

Y/N: “Just answer me this. What makes you so different from other villains? Because the DA doesn’t think you’re any different than they are. That’s what he’s going to argue. That you’re cold, callous and knew full well what you were doing.”

Bakugou: “I did know-”

Y/N: “Answer my question.”

Bakugou: “Feisty huh? I might like that….and I’m not like those other scum. My motivations for the things I do are very simple. Even a dumbass like you should have been able to figure that out, but I guess even with your degree, you’re still just a useless extra.”

Y/N: “What makes you different?”

Bakugou: “Fuck….I don’t know. I just know I’m not a gutter rat….When villains kill….They have a motive, money, jealousy, emotions, business. Not me. I could give a shit less about all that stuff.”

Y/N: “Then why do it? Why cause harm? Why cause destruction? You have a great quirk. It’s brilliant actually. You could have done so much good with it. Why choose to be a villain?”

Bakugou: “Because it amuses me…..Seeing their faces, the fear, it’s adrenaline. You get addicted to it….once you take that first life...when you see the light  go out of their eyes….The power trip is better than anything….even sex.” 

Y/N: “So you don’t care about the outcome? The people you hurt? As long as it amuses you?”

Bakugou: “Bingo. We have a winner.”

End of transcript

You sigh, sitting back and shutting the tape recorder off as the guard standing outside the door, knocked lightly. 

“We’re done for the day.” You shout. You can feel Bakugou watching you, it’s unnerving, you have to physically stop yourself from shuddering under his fiery gaze. The guard comes in, unlocking Bakugou’s quirk cuffs from the table and helping him stand on his feet. 

Bakugou wasn’t much older than you. But the way his eyes shown with disgust and hatred, made you feel like he had lived a long time, he had seen and done things that were unmentionable. It was an uneasy thing to look at him, to see that proud sadistic smirk on his face and the dominance in his eyes. He knew he made you uncomfortable and he was feeding off that fear. 

“That was fun Doc. But you never answered my question. I think it’s only fair. Since I answered yours.” Tears glossed over your eyes as he chuckled darkly, before being led from the room. 

#bakugou x reader #bakugou #bhna bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bakugou fanfic #bakugou fanfiction #bakugou imagine #yandere bakugou #villain bakugou #mha bakugou #katsuki