i don't know man. but sometimes i think about percy breaking the news to nico that his sister's dead. and nico plummetting into depression, screaming at the boy he once thought of as a hero to die. and percy watching this ten-year-old disappear into the shadows mid sobbing. and percy's shaking and traumatized and exhausted. but he forces that pain down his throat and accepts the role as the prophecy kid so nico has a chance to create a future he wants. while percy's is set in stone. and i don't know man.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
i feel like we do not talk about this line enough…i love unnecessary feelings as much as the next guy but my god this is a convoluted love confession of Shakespearean proportions…it should be taught in schools…
You know those murder mystery parties right? The ones where people get together, an actor plays dead, and the groups have to figure out who did it.
Well what if.
Danny takes a summer job as the body/actor of the victim for those parties and actually is commented on being the best 'very lifelike dead body' actor and hey at least his 'medical condition' (halfa) is finally being useful for something (besides you know, fighting ghosts) he can even go hours without moving (or breathing) once he's dead so he doesn't ruin the immersion for party goers.
Anyways, what if he gets a job for a rich people's party, you know something novelty for the wealthy to have fun with, maybe it's the Wayne's hosting a party or maybe someone else and they invite the Wayne's. And the company he works for sends him to Gotham. He gets there, helps set up the clues and the other actors, etc etc.
Then the guests start showing up, Danny acts like the star of the show he is and then the lights cut out, he screams (very realistically), and 'dies' before the lights come back on. As some players come up to inspect his body however he doesn't notice how some take his pulse and actually fully think he's dead.
Point being, Danny is the 'dead' body for the murder mystery, goes to Gotham for a gig, 'dies' and the batfam think they have a legit murder happening.
"Shhh Link... I'm right here. We're home. It's okay... "
♥ Hurt & Comfort time ♥
Post-Totk Link is still plagued with nightmares of the Light Dragon, Gloom Hands, Phantom Ganon...Puppet Zelda...loneliness.
He wakes up at night screaming, hyperventilating, sobbing. But Zelda is there and she comforts him with love, kindness and patience! Like Link did for her Post-Botw.
It's gonna take time...but Link is gonna be fine ♥ Zelda too.
They are all gonna be fine and live happily ever after!!!
And Hateno domestic fluff resumes.
PS: Check out my friend's @jdetan new hurt & comfort fic on Ao3!