#tldr fuck those guys for making people feel bad

[alltimefail-sims]

@ those twitter piracy discoursers: if you want me to buy the damn game personally give me the $1000 it takes to buy it then

Yes!!! This!! It is simply not an option for everyone to be able to shuck out $800+ dollars on a game, not to mention a game with several issues!!! Like hello!! It doesn't even function correctly if you do have all the packs ffs!

And it's FUNNY these people want to talk about ethics and act "holier-than-thou" while actively profiting off a game they recieved for free!! The audacity to be like "Well if you are poor just say that." Like pal... those people you're calling poor are paying your bills right now, and your "business" of content creation relies on an already existing game franchise that you had no hand in creating and did not pay for yourself... you are a glorified walking paid advertisement. 🤦‍♀️ Just take your money and mind your business! Why they are worried about what others do... I have no idea. All they have to do is shut up and pop out some videos for daddy EA!! It's the whole "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" argument.

Then they'll be like BUT IT'S ILLEGAL!! 😲 And okay babe that's true but I don't really see how that is *your* problem if you aren't the one yar-har ship ahoying 🏴‍☠️ the damn game??? I promise it will not impact you in any way. In all fairness, putting your shitty cc behind a paywall for 4+ months (or forever in some cases) is ALSO against the rules set by EA and ya'll have no problem twisting right and wrong then!!! Or supporting people who ignore EAs terms! At least be a consistent virtue signaling keyboard warrior goofball!

And they think they eat every time they come for people... truly embarrassing at best and revealing of just how unempathetic, how absolutely hypocritical they are at worst. Couldn't be me licking the boots of a COM-PAN-Y. But hey, I mind my business and say do what you gotta do 🤷‍♀️. EA will be just fine, they'll make up the difference with their shitty kits that these silly simps are paid to gaslight impressionable fans into buying 👍

#I'm not gonna be nice when I talk about this because I do think it's ridiculous #I have a thin patience for these creators making up to six figures off a game they don't pay for #and then looking down on people who just want to literally have fun like ???? #talking about urban sims harrie simlicy #etc they all look down on people and have no understanding of nuance when it comes to ethics and capitalism #tldr fuck those guys for making people feel bad #love you anon thank you for sharing your thoughts ❤ #personal #ts4 #paywalls #fuck paywalls #atfs ask #cursing tw #tw: cursing #cursingtw

[official-locke-writing]

Okay, I made a rant post about it, but Tumblr posted the draft rather than the finished one, so my points went uncomplete, so let's try again. Yes, this is about the N*zi drama bullshit happening in the EverymanHYBRID fandom.

TLDR; Stop defending Summer. EMH fans are not the problem. EMH itself is not the problem. The problem is N*zi supporters clinging to the N*zi reference and twisting it for their own agenda.

People defending Summer are not grasping the full situation and are contributing to sweeping harmful content under the rug instead of doing something about it.

It does not matter what your intentions are. If you draw a N*zi/Swast*ka in a cutesy little art style, it's a hate symbol. It's hateful content and makes you look like a N*zi supporter. Putting anything of this nature in a remotely good light is going to ruin your chances of ever being respected.

Summer drew a cutsy little N*zi in a sexual situation and then turned around with, "I don't support them!!!" Are you actually being real right now? Holy fuck.

I literally couldn't give a rat's ass about talking to Summer about this because holy hell, their "I feel so bad" guilt trippy shit will not work on me. There was no formal apology and no deletion of what was made. Summer is not sorry, they just don't want the heat.

Well, guess what? Brandishing a swast*ka is exactly how you get it, and until those posts come down and it's acknowledged in a non half assed way, you're gonna keep getting the heat.

Summer is making ALL OF US look bad. Summer is scaring people away from joining the fandom.

Depiction does not equal romantization. EverymanHYBRID used N*zis to disgust the audience and make HABIT a universally hated character. It was a throwback to an old media trope that mainstream movies do all the time. "Ooo, N*zi experimentation created a monster, ooo, spooky corny villain!!!" This is not the problem. Movie depictions of these fuckers were always made in a mocking light, and it seems like EMH did the same thing.

HABIT could barely remember who they were and spoke about them like they were shit on his boot. From what I've heard and seen, both the creators and the fandom agreed on minimizing and rewriting this reference out of EMH. You know why? Because people turned HABIT into a slutty fanonized mess of a concept. HABIT was not made to be romanticized for a fucking reason. They thought they were safe to use this trope because they weren't banking on people being ravenously thirsty and then using that reference as an excuse to connect N*zis with the "sexy serial killer" thing. HABIT was not to be sexualized in any way, shape, or form. HABIT was a mockery of real-life evil people. Dehumanizing monstrous people.

And then people turned around and humanized him to a terrifying degree. They made him "relatable," and people are raving about making him the new Tumblr sexyman.

Some of you guys, not all, but some, have no idea what the hell HABIT was made to do and it creeps me the fuck out.

Summer drew HABIT wanting to fuck a Jewish person. They drew a swast*ka next to a drawing of a real-life, non-celebrity, volunteer actor. It's disrespectful and just fucking mean, dude. On top of that, the Amon Göth quote??? The dude ran a labor camp, you've got to be kidding me.

"I'm just a history buff!" All N*zi supporters are history buffs. Your excuses mean nothing. If you didn't mean it, those art posts would be gone.

It's not the fandom or EMH itself. We agreed on being mature about this. Don't pin some 18 year old kid's edgy N*zi bullshit on anyone else but the person doing it.

#this is an emh fandom defense post #this is also an anti hate post #everymanhybrid #discourse #drama

[sharpth1ng]

I need to blow up Mr. Hank Loomis so bad. I'm ripping him to shreds with my mind. I don't like when people say Maureen is the reason Scream happened because it's HANK'S fault. fuck that guy

Yeah honestly the Maureen blaming feels like some unexamined misogyny. They were both cheating. Maureen is the only one that dies because of it.

Also like. Neither Maureen nor Hank is the reason scream happened. It’s either Billy and Stu or Roman depending on how you see it. No one forced them to do that. They chose to react to Hank and Maureen’s infidelity with murder. “My girlfriends mommy is a homewrecker” is not a defence that’s going to hold up in court.

Beyond that Maureen’s only crime is cheating, and in both fanon and canon Billy is also guilty of that (it’s either Stu or Christina). Like if you’re going to hate Maureen for cheating then it feels a bit hypocritical not to hate Billy for the same.

Idk from what we know I think I would have liked Maureen more than Hank as well. Sid seems to have had a positive relationship with her but Billy seems to want nothing to do with Hank.

Maureen was also a scream queen when she was younger like, that’s rad? The titles we get for the movies she was in make them sound like some pretty wild B-movies: Amazombies, Space Psychos and Creatures from the San Andreas Fall. These sound like movies Stu would LOVE.

I also just have some sympathy for Maureen with her past, so much of her backstory is defined by brutal sexual coercion and assault from the time she was 18. Cheating is obviously not good, but also like, she got together with Neil at the age of 21. Prior to that it seems like her experiences were mostly not consensual.

It was the early 70s, I can’t imagine that she felt like she had a lot of choices. The idea that she would have consensual affairs later in life is unfortunate but also not surprising. I think a lot of people who get married young can end up having this realization later in life that they want to experience things they haven’t, and those are the kinds of things you can regret on your deathbed.

As far as we know she’s a stay at home mom, she has no ability to support herself without Neil. From her perspective the options were probably: get a divorce, split up her family, make herself financially destitute, and have a chance to experience the things that were robbed from her when she was younger, OR stay with Neil and die eventually wondering what she missed out on, OR have an affair and hopefully keep her family together.

So yeah. Cheating? Not good, not excusable. But also relatively understandable in my opinion.

And yeah in terms of Hank we don’t know the most about him from canon, but we know how Billy reacts to him, and we know how Billy and Nancy both are: they’re sexist slut-shamers. Like, Nancy blaming Sid for what Billy did? You can hate Sidney but come on, you can’t argue that his actions were actually justified. All of this tells me that Hank’s views are probably in line with Nancy and Billy’s. Billy had to learn it somewhere right? Misogyny isn’t genetic.

So yeah that’s my monologue. Tldr: hate Maureen if you want, that’s fine, but blaming the Scream murders on her doesn’t make much sense. If you need a villain Hank is right there, and either way the real villains are Billy and Stu.

You can still like them even if they suck, I promise, they’re fictional characters. You don’t need to shift the blame for their actions onto other characters to justify liking them.

#maureen prescott #hank loomis #billy and stu #scream movies #tw sa mention #tw sa #ask

[greenerteacups]

Hi GT, I was reading one of your wonderful responses and you mentioned you don't love what they did to Remus, and I have to say I 100% agree. In my opinion his relationship with tonks is weird (regardless of whether people think he had chemistry with Sirius) like he's at least 10 years older than her and he tries to leave her and it just seems like he goes along with HER infatuation without really caring about her very much. It also puts Tonks back into JKR's frequent dynamic for women, which is "badass who really wants to be with a guy who doesn't seem to appreciate her much" (see Hermione/Ron).

Do you have any further thoughts on that? I always found JKR's writing about women in relationships/who want relationships really weird. You definitely do it better.

JKR has many strengths as a writer, but I don't think anyone would say her romances are one of them. I think a lot of authors either consciously or subconsciously look down on romance as a genre because it's associated with sensuality and frivolousness, but writing and selling the idea that two people should and do want to kiss each other is like, really fucking hard to do, and it requires a certain set of skill checks as an author that not everyone has. Just like writing good horror or good fantasy, good romance has tenets and rules and things you can do to get the audience on board with you, and JKR didn't execute a lot of those things (to my satisfaction, YMMV) in the books. Bad romance is also a high-stakes problem, because it risks flattening out your characters and pitching them into OOC territory if the audience doesn't buy that the dynamic evolution is natural. But again, that's something you don't know if you haven't written romance, or tried to, before.

Mostly, you have to really lean into the vulnerability of the thing. Romance is silly and goofy and embarrassing. It makes you say dumb things and act in dumb ways. It can't be ironic or chilled or demure. At some point, to make a real human connection, someone has to get down, take off their dignity, and bare the rotten core of themselves. When we propose, we kneel on the ground. We get dirty. And all authors have a great terror of embarrassing themselves. They're doing something tremendously vulnerable; of course they want people to think they're cool and intelligent. It's embarrassing to put yourself in the head of a 15-year-old boy with a crush. It's embarrassing to write about a suitor earnestly confessing their love, because — what if this is too much? What if it's corny, what if it breaks the audience's suspension of disbelief? What if my readers are laughing at me? What if I'm the butt of the joke?

Anyway, I think a lot of really great books have terrible romance subplots for that reason. In The Great Gatsby, we never actually see Gatsby and Daisy alone together. We get their story second-hand, from people who can deliver it in a cool, reflective tone of mystery; we don't see them undressed, undone, emptying their hearts to one another. And Nick and Jordan, the romance we actually get to see develop, are easily the weakest plot in the book. Meanwhile, authors like Tolstoy have an incredible gift for writing romance that feels right, and is sensual without verging into purple prose. But Tolstoy is one of the greatest writers of all time. JKR wrote some very good books that a lot of people loved very much, but for her, the romances were accessories to the story. They weren't a focus. I'm certain she cared about Remus and Tonks's relationship, in the same way she cared about Ron and Hermione's relationship. Both take up too much space to explain otherwise.

TLDR: Writing romance is hard because it's really easy to fuck up, even if you care about it. I don't know that JKR put all that much thought into selling us on chemistry and interpersonal dynamics of the couples she threw together; I think she writes for plot, and the couples emerged as a part of that. That means the couples that don't necessarily make sense on paper lose out majorly because the audience doesn't know exactly what they're rooting for, and the couples that do make sense on paper lack a certain... I dunno, va-va-voom.

#we could also say fairly that as it's harry's story he wouldn't be witnessing most of the romances happening around him in private #but like that's kind of cheap to me because people have been writing rich ensemble stories in third person limited for centuries #you can sell a romance without literally showing them kiss #I don't see what my couple friends do behind closed doors but I know that I like them and think they're cute together #and that's kind of what you as an author are trying to do #greenteacup asks

[kalinara]

Oh for fuck's sake. Please don't tell me "warning" discourse is coming back.

Look guys, I don't fucking care if you decide to use warnings or not. If you're an author who chooses not to use warnings, I may or may not read your fic, depending on my mood at any given time, but that's not a value judgment.

But can you not be a pretentious asshole about it?

"Books and movies don't have warnings!"

Really? Movies don't have warnings? What do you think that big "R" is on the advertisement there (if you're American, anyway, but as far as I know, most other countries use rating systems.) It might not be an explicit, spell-it-all out warning, but you're generally not going to see a graphic rape scene in a fucking PG movie.

Books? Generally no. Though there are exceptions. And many bloggers or goodreads reviewers will happily warn for readers who are concerned. That said, you can draw some conclusions based on genre, publisher and imprint. A romance reader generally knows where to find the really hard shit. You're not generally going to find a lot of strap ons or ball gags in Harlequin.

"Warnings didn't exist/weren't common practice before AO3!"

That's a fucking lie. I started reading fanfic on the internet in 1997, when I was young enough that I had to lie about my age to get onto the good mailing lists. And you know why they were the good mailing lists? Because they had explicit stuff. Because they had passwords to the best archives.

And those archives generally did have warnings! At least for the really big shit. Rape? Torture? The phrase "non-con" existed long before fanfiction.net, let alone AO3 was a twinkling in anyone's eye.

Because here's the thing, it's common courtesy. Fandom is a community experience. Isn't that what everyone always says when the topic of negative reviews come up? We can't make the author feel bad! Traumatizing a reader though with something that they don't know to avoid though, that's perfectly fine.

What AO3 DID invent, as far as I know, is the brilliant "Author chooses not to warn" tag. That's a great idea. It means that a concerned reader can go through the no warnings needed tag with reasonable confidence that they won't be hit with the most common triggering subjects. And if they go into a "chooses not to warn" fic, then that's their risk to take.

(Personally, I've never read a "choose not to warn" fic and thought "god, I'm so glad the author didn't spoil this rape scene in the warnings, losing the element of surprise would have ruined the story!" but that's just me. There might well be one out there, and even if not, it's the author's call.)

I don't really have a point to this rant. I just really dislike people who decide to raise their lack of consideration for others into some sort of intellectual high ground while touting blatant misinformation to support it. I also never get tired of ranting about fandom hypocrisy, so there we go.

TLDR: do what you want, but don't be a self-congratulatory dick about it.

#fandom woes #this was admittedly mostly inspired by that “warnings didn't exist before AO3” line #someone seriously said that #can you please ask a fandom old when you're going to say nonsense like that? #we do still exist

[megabuild]

what is aoyuer? is that an acronym for something?

okay so i meant to make a big doc explaining what aoyuer is like months ago but then i started working on different projects and put it on the back burner.. and then i got ill and now i don't have much time to work on stuff at all. but not having the doc sucks and means anything i ever say about it is very confusing. so i'm so sorry anon for using your ask as an excuse to just dump as much aoyuer lore as i can without reasonably spoiling it but also thanks for reminding me that i have a lot of followers here who have never heard of it. a sobering thought

tldr; aoyuer (as of yet untitled empires rewrite) (sorry bree) is my au rewrite of empires smp that aims to connect seasons 1 and 2 as well as after life, new life, and a bunch more inbetween, with a major focus on pixlriffs' story. it also ties up a lot of loose ends and is generally darker and more adult-aimed than the original series. technically that's all you need to know but here's the no spoilers plot rundown for those interested

so aoyuer is built up of ~7 arcs but only 4 of them are like Super important

arc 0: this is just afterlife smp and a ton of early worldbuilding, the crash of the great stags, etc; what's most important from this is that oli exists and has for thousands of years, probably

arc 1: empires season 1! set in the 1500s, the world is going through a sort of renaissance period with massive technological advancements. pixlriffs the copper king (cprk) is working a boring little library job and spending most of his time kicking himself and being mad he hasn't done anything with his life (he is only like 30 but the idea of feeling old and unaccomplished even when you're young is a major theme for arc 1). enter fwhip! who is his annoying ex-roommate ex-bestie ex-boyfriend from university that left him on pretty bad terms. he has a way more accomplished job and as part of that he has been allowed to head The Empires Project which is a major journey intended to further some distant colonies while also investigating the land they're on. the land has some weiiird properties which fwhip thinks could be harnessed to create functional immortality (which was the subject of pix's thesis). he wants pix to come with him and investigate. pix feels weird about it but agrees to come along and be the "emperor" for the desert colony while he does his research... and then things get fucked up and scary! its a high fantasy that switches between a metaphorical dissection of their horrid will they won't they relationship and both of their issues aaand a more Literal dissection of the land and things living in it. including people and animals. at times. and also involves pix accidentally awakening a curse for a billion million years which sets the rest of aoyuer in motion.

arc 1.5 is sort of Not important but iwlike it a lot. there's not much to be said for it without major spoilers but it's set a little bit after arc 1 and comprises of fwhip being very upset about how his stupid project fell apart and trying to write up an Official Report on why everything fell apart while also coming to terms with him being the worst guy to ever have lived or something. much of aoyuer is like thinly veiled metaphors for mental illness but this one is just about mental illness

arc 2 sends us years forward into season 2 in the 1800s and our protagonist is professor pixelle riffs, lorekeeper (lrkp) who leaves his job as an archaeology lecturer to go and study the ancient capital and The Machiiine. because the machine set up WAY too much cool stuff to just ignore. sculk infection/possession is a big part of this arc. however while he's doing all this he meets oli! remember him? who has crash landed in S2 (basically the same way he did in canon) and is now regularly butting heads with pix. they eventually become friends and then umm something more :3 a lot of this remains the same as canon except the sculk arc gets a proper conclusion and ties into the ghost stuff. it ends with oli's finale where he still fakes his death (the goblin stuff is going to be changed but it's up in the air right now) and pix is devastated but pretty certain there's something not quite right so he picks greggory up and goes off in search of his lame ass boyfriend.

arc 2.5 actually takes place mid arc 2 because it's the hermpires crossover, which is less different dimensions and more different times (hermitcraft is our present and the rift facilitates time travel). when pixelle the archaeologist steps through the rift it causes serious time fuckery and so he sort of gets. forcefully ejected from his body and becomes a ghost possessing pixl riffs of the hermitcraft recap (rcp) who stumbles out of the rift very tired and very confused! there's a lot of fun mistaken identity stuff between him and oli and this is generally the most like. comedic and casual of the arcs though it still has some sweet moments.

arc 3 is just new life smp. where pixelle finally ends up in nl, finds that his lame ass boyfriend is still alive, and has relationship drama with him Except on top of that the land that new life is set on has similar properties to the land from arc 1 (functional immortality except it has some different effects, aka. going through drastic physical changes every time you "die") and so pixelle starts investigating that and maybe finds out that his whole life and his ancestors and descendants lives might be caught up in a time loop because of the copper king. forever and ever. this hasn't got much for it because i was going to work from new life canon as a base but then both pix and oli stopped playing on it LMFOHALDH but anyway.

aaand arc 4! final arc! which is set in the present right after pixl (the recap one) returns home from the hermitpires crossover. except the weird ghost voice of his ancestor in his head.. isn't going away? or rather its been replaced by a different one who is sending him on The Heros Journey. along with zloy and lyarrah and modern fwhip. this is basically the long awaited Conclusion to the curse that the copper king put in place and a lot of bullshit happens that icant really explain but it ties up all the loose ends and is generally just pix consistently having the worst time. hes the only pix who goes through hell without bringing it upon himself like he was just born.

and um. that's aoyuer! obviously there's more for all the arcs and i am happy to answer Basically any questions even though i get a little nervous sharing stuff about it because im shy. But iwhope thag explains at least a bit for everyone. My dream is to write this all into various fanfics but that looks kinda unlikely rn but it means a lot to me and you can kinda safely assume if I'm ever talking about or drawing empires there's a 99% chance it's actually aoyuer because I forget canon exists .AOYUER WORLDWIDE

#anon #asks #aoyuer

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

#nnstuff #ask #csa tw #asks are sweethearts

[a-120]

Took a break bc I had a short lived panic attack and calmed myself down so it wouldn't worsen but I'm back with a message for Ivorii

THIS IS REALLY LONG

Leave me the fuck alone. I don't understand why targeting me and thinking you can just apologise is something you can do. I'm literally scared of you after you targeted me. Just so you know, I BARELY GET SCARED OF PEOPLE!!!

And the fact that you are the reason that I'm hurting myself is a fact that I REALLY need you to know. You KNOW I was suicidal at one point, YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

Getting that message was why I had a panic attack. AND I WILL FUCKING LEAK IT. HERE YOU GO

Tldr is at the bottom

Ivorii:

Okay, look. I fucked up, I know I did. I lied, and I was, so wrong for it. But, about my heart problems, they are hereditary, but my heart problems are not like yours, I didn't have to get cut open. It wasn't an open heart surgery like yours, it was originally going to be put in from my wrist/groin area, but it was changed to my esophagus area due to it being more "uphill". I know I caused you hell and that I probably scared the living shit out of you.

It wasn't right of me, at all. I feel bad about it everyday. I shouldn't have lied either, and I don't wish harm against anyone. I never did and I never will. I was a bad influence and a bad person, but I'm working to change. I know messing with any of you guys was the worst thing I could've done, and I feel so bad about it! If I had a second chance to go back and undo it, I would. I promise that I'm not a bad person, or a liar. I just didn't to get the attention I wanted, and I very immature when did it. I have remorse for everyone I hurt, and this isn't the first time I hurt someone(s) like this. But I have bigger apology to give out to you guys [Kris, Izzy, Candied] because you guys are minors, and you look up to those older than you, and I was the complete opposite. I probably know you won't see this and that you'll never trust me again, and it's understandable. I wouldn't trust myself either, but I'm working on being better, and trying to change. It's lonely without you guys, and I hate it. I hate every moment of it, and I hate that I did what I did. I hate not being there when you guys joke, or to celebrate holidays. I really want a second chance, only if you'll allow it. I'm so sorry for making you hurt, I'm really am a better person than this, I swear! I can try again, only if you'll let me. I acknowledge my wrong-doing, like an adult. I'm turning 20 this year and I'm acting like it. Just please don't tell Warden or the others that I'm here! I'm still very scared of them, and when I'm ready, I'll talk to them, but I just needed you to know.

I'm not a person, and I'll never make a foolish mistake like this again. Also, to clarify about my heart problems, but also apologize while I'm at it. I hurt you, and I never want you to feel a pain like that again. Just know I regret everything. I swear. You don't have to respond, I just needed to get that off of my shoulders, and hopefully off of yours too.

My response:

You targeted a minor, someone who just got tumblr a few months ago, and pretended to be someone else. I wanted to stay as far away from this stituation as far I possibly could but you pulled me into it. I'm actually fucking terrified of you now. You broke everyone's trust and ruined your reputation. You have caused me to hurt myself because I wanted a distraction from this and wanted to deal with a different type of pain. Targeting minors because you'd think they are more naive or whatever the fuck went through your rotting brain is downright wrong and its manipulation. Leave tumblr and never come back. Fuck you.

--------------

Taking it apart to respond better:

Okay, look. I fucked up, I know I did. I lied, and I was, so wrong for it.

You're damn right. You fucked up big time, and everybody knows that.

I know I caused you hell and that I probably scared the living shit out of you.

Yes, you really did. You scared me so bad I'm properly scared of you as a person.

It wasn't right of me, at all. I feel bad about it everyday. I shouldn't have lied either, and I don't wish harm against anyone.

Then why did you do this? Oh, right, ATTENTION.

I know messing with any of you guys was the worst thing I could've done, and I feel so bad about it!

Think before you act, fucker.

I promise that I'm not a bad person, or a liar. I just didn't to get the attention I wanted, and I very immature when did it.

Hard to believe you're turning 20.

But I have bigger apology to give out to you guys [Kris, Izzy, Candied] because you guys are minors, and you look up to those older than you, and I was the complete opposite.

You targeted minors. Think about that and get it through your thick ass skull.

I probably know you won't see this and that you'll never trust me again, and it's understandable. I wouldn't trust myself either, but I'm working on being better, and trying to change. It's lonely without you guys, and I hate it.

Yeah, I don't trust you at all anymore. Nobody does. And you're gonna have to deal with being lonely because of that.

I really want a second chance, only if you'll allow it. I'm so sorry for making you hurt, I'm really am a better person than this, I swear! I can try again, only if you'll let me. I acknowledge my wrong-doing, like an adult. I'm turning 20 this year and I'm acting like it.

Who is gonna give you a second chance? Are you really a better person? You act like a fucking 6 year old with your shitty lies and the fact that you constantly return and try to reconnect when we clearly don't want you around.

Just please don't tell Warden or the others that I'm here! I'm still very scared of them, and when I'm ready, I'll talk to them, but I just needed you to know.

WHAT THE FUCK?! DONT TELL THE PEOPLE WHO I ACTUALLY TRUST AND ARE ABLE TO HANDLE THIS BETTER THAN ME??? YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF THEM BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU RETURN THEY KNOW OR I WILL TELL THEM BECAUSE NOBODY, AND I REPEAT, NOBODY, WANTS YOU HERE YOU SICK FUCK!

I'm not a person, and I'll never make a foolish mistake like this again. Also, to clarify about my heart problems, but also apologize while I'm at it. I hurt you, and I never want you to feel a pain like that again. Just know I regret everything. I swear. You don't have to respond, I just needed to get that off of my shoulders, and hopefully off of yours too.

"I'm not a person" this typo is fucking hilarious. You didn't clarify anything about your heart problems in this last paragraph. You hurt everyone. This made the weight on my shoulders worse.

Sorry, the tldr was still really long ;-;

#tw//ivory ment

[pray4saint]

big big psa guys

tw // almost a call-out. talking about people romanticising mental health issues. swearing bc i'm pissed off. my own trauma is sectioned off to be easily skipped through; although it includes topics of self-harm, suicide, bad mental health, & loss.

holy shit i cannot believe i actually have to make this post. if you disagree with anything in this post, please get off my blog because you're not welcome here.

tldr; don't send in requests for weird shit.

some of my mutuals have received asks surrounding a ”mentally ill reader” & dating a cc inside of a mental hospital/psych ward and uhm. excuse me??? what the actual fuck??? why do you think this is okay and normal? 🤠 why did you think that would be a good idea?? (you know who you are & trust that your block button is looking quite wonderful to the entire publishing house)

i consider myself fortunate enough not to have received those bc i know how triggering they can be and for anyone viewing my blog, so to anyone and everyone who has seen those asks and been triggered by them, i'm sorry. that's not something that anyone should have to see from a stranger on the fucking internet, or at all really.

i feel like i shouldn't even have to say this, but uhm, don't romanticise issues you clearly have no business dealing with? is it really that hard?? if it really is that fucking hard to just not be creepy about real issues, then get offline. this kinda shit is the reason some of mine and my cousin's favourite writers have left tumblr, and it's unfortunate but i understand their frustration.

joking about your trauma with your close friends is one thing, but asking a stranger on the internet to talk about it? that's a big fat no.

– > trauma below

this shit makes me so fucking outraged, especially as someone who's had friends go in and out of wards, who's lost people to suicide, and dealt with horrible self-esteem, body image and self worth issues because of it since the ripe age of 12. it's so invalidating to see it used as a story arc. these are real issues, that real people go through every goddamned day.

i've done things i'm not proud of, things i'm reminded of every time i look at my body. gone through things i wish i didn't have to, and as judah said in her post, i have the right to deal with and cope with my trauma as i wish, i've earned it. but i'm not hurting others. that's the difference.

– > trauma ends here

before sending in asks on any blog, take a moment to think; 'how will this be received?', 'based on their rules, is this okay?', 'is this something i would want my younger sibling reading on the internet in a year?' think before you speak. please.

as i said at the start, if you disagree with anything in this post then get off my page because you're not welcome here. clearly, you're not mature enough to stick around here. i don't care if i sound like an asshole, it must be said.

#saint txt !! #updates n psas !!!! #im actually so pissed off wtf #got the whole publishing house rioting #screaming violently #i think it's time to pick up knife throwing for sport again

[useramor]

opinion on my boy scott mccall </3 (doesn’t remember shit from the show)

(this gets really long lol this is your warning but you CAN’T ask for my opinion on teen wolf and expect a short answer)

i have really mixed feelings about scott mccall.

on one hand he was a child. he was a sixteen year old boy, a high school sophomore, barely old enough to drive. he was quiet and awkward and he wanted something for himself (s1e1, him saying he needs to get a good nights sleep so he can make first line in lacrosse). his best friend showed up and asked if he didn’t want to explore something weird and gory in the woods of their small town where nothing ever happened. and scott, a kid, aid “sure” because what else are you supposed to say when your best friend wiggles his eyebrows at you with the promise of adventure?

so i feel for him. because his life became something so different without his consent. because the first girl he ever fell in love with was being raised in a family that was trying to murder him (and then died in his arms). because he didn’t have a choice in becoming a werewolf.

and that’s about how far my sympathy extends. he didn’t choose the bite but every choice that came after was his own. telling derek peter deserved to get burned alive, that the hunters must’ve had a reason for setting fire to the hale house — despite the fact that there were innocent children, innocent human children that had nothing to do with the supernatural, living in that house. his perfect golden boy morals are infuriating. scott believes he is so much better than everyone. the show wants the audience to feel this way too. but he isn’t. he turns derek in to the police in s1e7 “night school”, telling the cops that derek is the one who was threatening them, derek is the one who killed the janitor when scott knew for a fucking fact that derek had just been trying to help him. that derek wasn’t the alpha.

hell, at this point, it was more likely that deaton was the alpha.

but scott decides that it doesn’t matter. because he hates derek. because derek is a monster. because he’s a monster just like derek and he hates that.

and then season 2. god season 2 makes me horribly angry. going behind everyone’s backs, using derek — a victim of grooming, of sexual assault, who was used by gerard’s daughter to get information that got his entire family fucking murdered —, physically forcing derek to bite gerard when he fucking knows that derek sees the bite as a gift. that being a werewolf is important to derek, is something he sees as a beautiful, positive part about himself and his family and his upbringing. to manipulate derek into giving a violent man who wants him dead, who is happy about the fact his entire family died, into giving him the most precious gift derek can possibly offer? evil evil evil. and, yeah, gerard doesn’t become a werewolf because of the mountain ash in his bloodstream, but derek didn’t fucking know that. to derek, he was being used to give another argent exactly what they wanted.

he could’ve told derek. but he didn’t. didn’t tell anybody. because his morals are what are more important, he knows better than everyone, he’s the good guy. and he’s not! he’s not a good guy! dozens upon dozens of innocent people die because scott mccall refuses to kill the bad guys. because “we don’t kill people” only applies to him so he can keep his hands clean. the bad guys? hell, they can kill the whole fucking town. wipe beacon hills clean. but as long as scott doesn’t rip their throats out he’s okay. he’s the good guy.

well, sorry, but those hands are still blood stained. refusing to kill the people doing harm when you had all the power to stop them?

those deaths are still on you.

anyway! i could actually keep going. but i will not because this is already really long. teen wolf is my biggest obsession and hyperfixation of all time i have sosososo much to say about it.

tldr; scott mccall is not the perfect golden boy he wants the audience to believe he is. he’s kind of an asshole and he was mean to derek. and no one is allowed to be mean to derek. because derek is my baby sugar plum pookie bear.

your opinion on…?

#bia gets mail #anti scott mccall

[genderstarbucks]

Coming Out Post Ig?

I don't really know where to start with this so I'm just gonna get into it

Cw for a bit of a long rant, no triggering topics but just read with some slight caution

I think I'm bigay? I've been questioning my sexuality for about 4 years and I could never find a label that stuck. I started with bisexual, then pansexual, then throughout the years my sexuality has changed but it's been mostly been between bi and gay. I've used homoflexible a few times, and it felt right, but something felt off. I felt it didn't completely cover what my attraction felt like. It's been hard for me to differentiate between romantic and sexual attraction, so I've just been using non-sam labels, and just saying I'm bisexual with a lean. Recently I've used abrosexual and that felt right too, but not completely. I've tried abrogay and abroachillean because I am mostly gay but it just didn't feel completely right, I didn't feel complete. I used to be an exclusionist (ew) and against mspec lesbians/gays/straights but luckily I've had friends and this wonderful community to educate me. I think the only reason I was an exclus was because I had internalized bigayphobia, as soon as someone taught me what it was, it really wasn't that hard to understand. Some people are on the sam and some people are fluid between 2 labels. I also think it was because I was with a toxic friend group (who I've since dropped ((thank god)) who was VERY against mspec lesbians/gays/straights. I mean, I also used to be anti-mogai because my ex gf was pounding it into my head how "bad" it was (she was literally cis too lmao) I'm glad I've met and am in such a wonderful community that is accepting of all good-faith identities. Anyway, earlier today I started researching bigay more and kept re-reading the description as to why someone might use the term bigay and then I realized. That's me. I am bigay. The term that actually resonates with me is the thing I've been avoiding the most. I was literally TERRIFIED about adding bigay to my prns page (ik I don't have to but I just want to) even though I know the only people who are gonna see it are my friends (who are accepting of it) and anybody who clicks on the link in my pinned post (which is most likely gonna be an inclus) I've been thinking about if I'm bigay (or just mspec gay) for a while now, but I refused to even accept myself of the possibility of being an mspec gay. I genuinely don't understand exclusionists, I used to be one and all I did was do a little research as to why someone might identify that way, and I changed my views. If you can accept things like nonbinary boy or agender girl, then you can accept mspec lesbians/gays/straights too. I'm glad I've cut off those exclus friends, now I can finally be myself. I think my sexual journey is over, I think this is the label I've been looking for, for so long. Ykw I'm proud to say I'm bigay, I'm proud to use contradictory labels. I'm a nonbinary boy AND a biromantic gay, and I'm god damn proud of it. If you're questioning whether you're mspec and a lesbian/gay/straight then it's okay. Those labels aren't "bad" or "invalid", if it describes you, then use it. You can use "contradictory" labels if you'd like, don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. All that matters is that you accept yourself, all that matters is using the labels you want that make you feel comfortable.

My identity has come a long way over the years, but I think I'm finally happy to say I'm comfortable where I am. I'm an agender boy, enboy and a demienboy, also bigay, and exclusionists can fuck off!

I didn't mean to make this that long but oh well 💀

TLDR; Sexuality confusing, omg I'm a bigay. Fuck exclusionists.

Edit: I think I'm just like every label besides wlw/lesbian, I'm gay, bi, pan, EVERYTHING

Edit 2: Okay nvm guys 💀 Charlie, one of my alters is a transbian and I'm transgay so collectively we're a lesboy, turigirl, gaybian and literally every other orientation

Edit 3: Okay I figured it out, I'm omnibi gay (as in general bi gay) and an omnibi gay man

Edit 4: I'm just every sexuality besides wlw/lesbian labels and I'm also multivelfluid

Edit 5: nvm I lied I'm just bigay

Edit 6: I'm such a fucking liar I'm actual bigay, abrogay and pomogay

#xenogender #xenogenders #mogai #pro mogai #xenogender coining #xenogender community #mogai terms #mogai safe #mogai friendly #mspec #mspec solidarity #mspec positivity #mspec safe #mspec gay #mspec lesbian #mspec straight #bi gay #bi lesbian #bi straight #poly gay #ply gay #poly lesbian #ply lesbian #poly straight #ply straight #pan gay #pan lesbian #pan straight #omni gay #omni lesbian

[mourntheantagonist]

*Slides a bunch of pennies over*

How about them bottom/sub Billy headcanons?👀

oh anon, no pennies needed! I will talk all about this for absolutely no charge!

bottom billy headcanons

— the first time billy has sex with a guy. he tops. mostly because that’s just what people assume about him, so when the guy making eyes at him across the bar pulls him into the alley, there isn’t much conversation before the other guy is fingering himself open. It’s fine. It’s good even. but he wants to be in the other position. he wants to feel what that guy felt that made his eyes roll back like that.

— his first time bottoming is not good. bad. actually. it’s another random guy at another random bar. It hurts. the guy is not only rough, but he’s mean. and not in like, a sexy way. In a way that makes billy disassociate for the majority of the experience, the only reminder being the pain all over his body, and the horrible feeling of being left alone, pants around his ankles, having to walk home despite it hurting so bad. he doesn’t bottom again for a long time.

— there’s eventually someone he likes, not just some random hookup at the bar. It’s a regular. someone he knows the name of and has been talking to for weeks at this point. and like every encounter he has in those places, it always ends in sex. it’s the first time he bottoms since his first ever time, and he’s afraid. but it ends up not being anything like the other time. this guy is slow, and preps him good, and doesn’t call him a whole and a slut while making him bleed, and he doesn’t just leave him immediately after he comes. he makes sure billy feels good, and billy, oh so dumb, falls for the guy. but, it turns out he was just some random hookup. a hit it and quit it. because they never talk again.

— tldr on those last three; billy has bad and painful sexual experiences before coming to hawkins, and is this, very weary of bottoming, but also, just not excited by topping.

— him and steve don’t progress to full on sex for a while. it’s all just blow jobs and hand jobs and an embarrassing amount of frottage leading to cum stained pants. steve is the first to ask for it, telling billy he wants to fuck him, and they’d never talked positions before, and billy just guessed that was it, and he felt immediately scared again.

— billy turns him down. tells steve he doesn’t want it that way, and that he’d rather steve bottom, and billy’s surprised when steve readily accepts it. (though, steve’s not really excited for it, moreso excited to pleasure billy, not so much for himself).

— and it’s just okay. and billy is sad because he thought for sure the first time he’d have sex with steve like that there would be fireworks. and it was definitely better than all those times before because it was steve. but. he couldn’t help himself but long for more.

— one day, things are getting hot and heavy, and they’ve been doing it the other way this whole time, but, billy feels like he’s going to explode and there’s just this, urge, not just for the feeling of bottoming, but for the trust that it requires. it’s the main reason he’s been so afraid to do it again. because he needs that trust there. and he trusts steve. and the idea of trusting someone makes him so so horny.

— billy almost exclusively bottoms with steve after that.

— tldr; billy is a slut for trusting people.

— billy cries during sex. I just thought I’d put that out there. that’s not a headcanon tho that’s a fact.

— billy likes it when steve fucks him against any vertical surface. (shower wall, locker room lockers, etc.)

— he hates not seeing steve’s face when they fuck. he has to see steve’s face.

— steve can and will make billy come untouched.

— billy likes anal beads and butt plugs as well. it’s true he told me.

okay okay I think that’s enough of those.

but wait. there’s more.

sub billy headcanons

— billy. wants. to. be. d o m i n a t e d.

— billy is a bratty sub. write that shit down.

— everyone would assume that billy craves control, but there’s something about getting to willingly give up control to someone that is both therapeutic and very sexy to billy. and as said previously, billy is an absolute slut for trusting people.

— I think billy is nervous about broaching the subject with steve, some parts of him are embarrassed for wanting it, some parts are afraid of steve’s reaction. his biggest fear is steve saying no.

— but. when everything is talked about. well. billy has the time of his life.

— he likes bondage. he likes being tied down and having the use of any of his limbs taken from him. he likes letting steve have his way with him.

— he likes it rough. despite past sexual encounters, he likes to feel pain when it’s steve inflicting it, and when he knows the pain is not coming from a source of hatred. he likes being spanked and held down and he likes his hair being pulled and he likes steve being a little forceful with things.

— he likes being told what to do. he likes pushing back against being told what to do (he’s a brat after all) and he likes it when steve punishes him.

— he has a daddy kink.

— he also has a praise kink. he definitely has a praise kink are you kidding? he needs constant validation and steve calling him a good boy?? ah!

— I already said this but it deserves the repitition. billy cries during sex. he does he does he does.

— billy likes when steve leaves marks. he likes the bruises. (he likes that they blend in with others, and that he can no longer tell who created the mark. he likes that he can just assume steve did.)

— the best part for billy is definitely the aftercare. when steve cuddles him and tells him how good he was for him and brushes his fingers through his hair and scratches his back and peppers soft kisses all over his body. yeah. that hits the spot right there.

— he likes when steve face fucks him. cock is his best friend after all.

— billy likes to be choked. he likes steve on top of him with his hand around his throat, looking deep into his eyes, watching him closely and making sure he’s okay, he likes steve having that kind of control over him. (somehow, giving up control, just makes him feel like he’s more in control).

— steve loves to edge billy until he’s squirming and begging, and billy loves to beg, and loves to be told no.

this is so much. but you asked!! anyway. this feels less like headcanons and more like me just outlining a fic but it’s all true and it needs to be said. bottom!billy rights. sub!billy rights.

also. fic recs with this shit present is very very welcome. I’m hungry

#billy hargrove #so many lemons #harringrove #headcanons

[anxiously-awaiting]

tell me about the greater themes applied to lancelot riot I would like to know 👁️

im so sorry addie i autismed for like 2 hours writing this its SO longklfjds

Okay so, before I start, i neurotically need to give my disclaimer: all of this is primarily based on how I handle lancelot's characterization both in my original content and with fan-content related to the Fate series, i'm not trying to claim that this is Fate's intention with the character, nor am I trying to claim that this is a theme of the original arthurian tales. While my themes did come from a lot of those stories, I'm not a historian nor a medievalist nor particularly smart in general, i'm just Some Guy who thinks about knights till they get nauseous.

The general thematic throughline tied to lancelot in all of my stuff is. Objectification primarily. He's socially objectified by a society that deems him greatest of all knights, reducing him to a knight and bringer of violence before a person. He's objectified by people who view him first and foremost as a handsome "man"^ before a Person. When he's having his multiple mental breaks, he's often viewed as a madman to be pitied before a person to be helped.

^this is also slightly tied with the theme, because lancelot is NOT a cis man, but despite how he feels about his own gender, he's repeatedly viewed as one. He's repeatedly described as being handsome, broad shouldered, perfect muscles, an ideal man, and the one thing that people describe about his body as being "imperfect" is his chest being broader than it "should" be (in my lancelot, it's gynecomastia, something that he never viewed as a problem or even knew was "abnormal" until he left the Lady's lake and entered the wider society of camelot/england). (i was going to add a screenshot of the book section here that i referenced but i straight up can NOT FUCKING FIND IT i spent like half an hour looking for it but i didn't make it up i prommy)

Like he gets kidnapped a fucking LOT, to the point of becoming desensitized to it. He's repeatedly seen as a Thing to be taken as a bargaining chip rather than. Y'know. a Person. He's seen as a sword for Camelot- and even Galehaut, at first, sees him as a gorgeous bringer of violence before a person- though he does desire to know the person behind that violence. Even his son, at first, sees him as a great knight to be defeated and prove that Galahad is greater than him (demonstrated in my stuff with Galahad's knighting fight, wherein he chooses to fight Lancelot to prove his place at the round table not too long after first arriving, and in the fight, takes advantage of a weak point of Lancelot's, kicking in his bad knee, causing him to best Lancelot- but at the cost of like Genuenly causing him a shit ton of pain).

(tw for discussion of sexual violence below)

And that's not even mentioning Elaine of Corbenic. He's very obviously not interested in her, and Elaine, only wanting the the object of her affection, rather than the person, drugs and rapes him TWICE, under a thin viel of using "fate" and "prophecies" of bearing the grail knight as an excuse. I straight up do not give a fuck if people try to claim that she's "morally grey" or whatever. Die.

(end tw)

But so that's like the pre-emptive context of My Lancelot Themes, tldr; He's repeatedly objectified. Everything past this point is Strictly about my headcanons for specifically Fate's versions of Lancelot (Both saber and berserker), as well as Chevalier Mal Fet, a third variant of Lancelot made for my fanlostbelt Doggerland.

This theme is EASILY applied to berserker Lancelot, like, what's more objectifying than becoming a shadow of your purest, most violent self. He's repeatedly called a mad dog, and other names alluding to being only capable of violence in this state, with his madness enhancement only making his mental state Worse. Even one of his Noble Phantasm's, For Someone's Glory, whittles him down from "Lancelot" to "Berserker", hiding his identifying marks, leaving only a literal shadow of armor. (which, this also ties to The Gender Thing, because berserker lancelot LITERALLY SAYS "this body is not something to be idolized" or smth to that effect in fate/zero i'll get the screenshot and put it below with the direct quote.)

Now with saber Lancelot it's. A little more complicated. Since saber Lancelot is specifically from Fate Grand Order, and is thus subject to an insane amount of flanderization depending on who's writing him and if he's in an event, im going PRIMARILY off of the lancelot we see in the camelot chapter, as well as just. a lot of personal hcs.

Saber lancelot, somewhat similarly to Berserker, has kind of given in to the objectification for a lack of better words? In one of his lines, he specifically refers to him and his blade as being one, and saying that all he has is his swordsmanship. He defines HIMSELF as only being good for his sword, and even literally says Out Loud With His Mouth that he dislikes himself, and his only wish would be for Arthur to pass judgement on him for the whole affair thing. His bio even references that he believes that berserker should be the only class suited for him.

Saber lancelot doesn't have any specifically gender-related stuff so this is fucking. ALL Riot's fun zone for this next paragraph but lancelot's repressed. like REALLY. REALLY repressed. He cloaks himself in manhood like armor, fearing what might be seen underneath- and that manifests Literally in his armor. His exaggerated pauldrons give him an even more broad shouldered silhouette emphasizing a more "masculine"^ body shape. ^Not that broad shoulders are or should be considered masculine in and of themselves but it's moreso feeding into how other people see him in a ouroboros of dysphoria.

Literally. I have a whole fucking rewrite of the agartha singularity in my brain with the subplot about him recognizing that it's like Okay if he's not a man, and finally starting to allow himself to reckon with and start to heal from the Elaine-related trauma.

And all of this leads to Chevalier Mal Fet. Oh, Mal Fet.

For context, his name comes from one of Lancelot's bouts of madness, where he referred to himself only as "Chevalier Mal Fet", meaning "the ill-made knight".

Lancelot is summoned into the Doggerland lostbelt by the counterforce or whatever, (saber or berserker, it doesn't matter. The outcome's the same either way.) and he's found by Dr. Moreau.

Moreau is just another in a long, long line of people viewing Lancelot as a Thing rather than a Person, but Moreau sees Lancelot as something more than just a knight or a bringer of violence or a sexual object.

He views Lancelot as a guinea pig. It isn't uncommon to see dogs used in medical testing- Moreau's a doctor, a scientist, after all.

He's a pet project for Moreau to take apart and put back together, murmuring to himself that this knight is ill-made indeed. But he knows how to fix him, make him something better.

Moreau's human, after all, he knows better than some silly dog.

Moreau has always been one to push beyond what others may think is impossible. Using Mal Fet, he attempts to do a forced class switch, giving Mal Fets the strength of a berserker with the rationality and delicate swordwork of a saber. It worked- but only on a technicality. Rather than Mal Fet being both a saber and a berserker at the same time, his damaged and unstable spirit core rather oscillates RAPIDLY between the two classes, the only thing keeping his core from shattering and letting him die and return to the throne is Moreau, of course.

Lancelot, the person under the armor, is reduced to an object once more. A spectacle, a guard dog, a test subject.

#i have NO FUCKING CLUE if any of these words make sense or get my idea acrossfkjdsl #you open up my skull but instead of a brain inside it's just a piece of paper that says lancelot #it turned into a fate thing halfway through bc im thinking about mal fet sorryfjdlksjklfds #im gonna <3 post this now tho so i dont make this longer with even more thoughts JFLKSD

[cloudcountry]

Part 3 of rant ig?

But yeah, idia is fucking doomed by the narrative in every way and for whatever reason it make my brain light the fuck up.

I would definitely consider myself the emotional support dog to a degree? I like helping people with mental health and I feel obligated to help those I can. I've had a bad run with my own brain and my shit can be considered MILD compared to a lot of stuff. And so I look at characters like idia, I relate, and I immediately go "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO TAKE HIM OUT OF STRESSFUL SITUATIONS IMMEDIATELY " I'm the oldest of my siblings I'm a care taker I look at those people who need validation or brain feelings help and I go "I GOTCHU BRO" because if my brain made me feel as bad as I felt.. WHO KNOWS WHAT ITS DOING TO THIS POOR GUY :((( LIKE

Liking idia is like finding the wettest most pathetic half dead cat that's scared of ppl and has behavioral issues, and helping it becuase that kitty has the potential to be the bestest and most happiest cat ever

Tldr: he's so fucked up he triggers my protective and nurturer instincts

Plus!!! He likes anime and I was literally raised on that! Since I was like 8, every Saturday the whole family would watch an episode of Dragon Ball and an episode of Bleach. Otaku??? Ranting buddy??? Someone the theorize and binge with?? YES. Dude have you ever shit talked your least favorite character and everyone hyped you up becuase they ALSO hate that character???? THAT SHIT CATHARTIC!! AnD THAT HALLOWEEN GETUP???? HONEY DO YOU WANT TO COSPLAY WITH ME PLEASE I JUST WANT TO WEAR MECH ARMOR---

Idia is Hella nuerodivergent coded and it makes me salivate because like!!! He knows TM. Existing around other people with fucked up brains is so weirdly cool becuase alot of the time you can just tune in to the other on a subconscious level like Bluetooth connection. PARALLEL PLAY WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING WITH IDIA BC HE WOULD JUST PLAY GAMES AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! Also the infodumping. INFODUMPING BELOVED. I personally, would love to hear him go off about tech shit that I would not understand becuase just the feel of the passion is intoxicating!! (This feeling extends to Jade leech btw) FREE DOCUMENTARY!!!

Another thing I also appreciate is the Sass that they stole from Hades, Idia is a sassy little bitch and it is WONDERFUL. He is a petty little shit. A horrible stinky gremlin man. I love the slang, the puns, the utter bullshit. He intrigues me and I wish to study him!!!!! He would send me a blurry picture of bread with the caption "me living that crumb life " at 2:47 am and I would lose my shit BECUASE YES. CRUMB LIFE!!! YOU ARE LIVING IT!!!! He's also genuinely smart and I like smart characters. Idia is a little shit, but he's also smart. I 100% believe in the "you can think your way out of anything if you just get creative enough" way of looking at things. IMPROVISE ADAPT OVERCOME!!! I appreciate the technological skills and alternative thinking patterns! (camp Vargas where he motivated himself to pick up sticks by comparing it to something he liked? Boom. Creative thinking beats out executive dysfunction!!!)

It's a type of friendship and weird bullshit I couldn't see myself doing with a lot of other twst characters ? There potential for a deep emotional understanding and connection that is just really alluring for my mind ig

Just 2 fucked up ppl trying to exist, but at least it's easier together sort of thing? Also idia would probably let me kill someone.

okay WOW you and edie sent me so much about this man and i like just woke up so now im reading this with a hazy sleep brain LMAO AKSJDHHSFGJDHSGDFH

but you know its very interesting to see how things that bother me SO MUCH are things that make other people laugh. they make other people like him. THE THINGS I DONT LIKE ARE ENDEARING TO YOU PEOPLE!!!!! its all about perspective!

idia is really fucking smart like i may not like him but i can acknowledge his good parts. he cares about his brother hes smart and uhhhh ummmm uhhhhhhhhhh ANYWAY. im just teasaing SDJJSDDJ but thats why i love when i get these long winded messages about characters i dont like because if i can change my mind about rook and vil i can change my mind about idia

all it takes is people who loves him!!

#identity <3

[amethystina]

how do you feel about soulmate AUs?

I'm definitely in favour of them! But I haven't really written any myself, amusingly enough?

Not because I don't like them, but because I don't always manage to add that little extra pinch of intrigue that will make me invested enough to prioritise the story over all my other ideas. Soulmate AUs are a bit predictable (which is both good and bad, depending on your angle) and somewhat rigid in their structure, which means I can't always explore the characters, plot etc. as much as I usually would in my writing.

All that said, I really enjoy reading them, especially if they have an extra twist or some added rules/complications, or if the people involved just behave in an unexpected manner when faced with their soulmate. But I also really like the more loose ones? The ones that don't include soulmarks and stuff like that, just that irrefutable knowledge that these two people are Fated To Be Together. Like, star-crossed lovers etc.

Sometimes you just want the comfort of knowing that two people are meant to be and all will be well in the end.

Which means I would LOVE to write a Soulmate AU at some point, I just need to figure out the best and most interesting way to do it. Because it's not like I don't have ideas, I just need to decide which ones would actually be worth keeping x'D

I mean, for example, even during the short time I've been writing this reply, I've already been struck by a Soulmate AU idea for The Devil Judge (sorry if you're not into that fandom, Nonnie xD) on the concept of: "some, but not everyone, will dream of their soulmate before they meet them." And Yo Han dreams of Ga On (the adult version, since that's when he'll meet him for the first time) from a young age and just goes "Oh, well, that's Isaac, naturally." So he assumes his brother is his platonic soulmate. And doesn't really bother to confirm it with Isaac because why would he?

But then Isaac tragically dies and, naturally, the death of one's soulmate is definitely cause for an intricate, slow-build revenge plot.

But then, ten years later, everyone's favourite baby deer comes onto Yo Han's radar and just IMAGINE the HILARITY of seeing Kang "I am the Abyss" Yo Han go: "HANG ON A FUCKING SECOND. THEN WHO'S THIS GUY?!"

Internally, of course.

Cue a confused — and thoroughly annoyed — Yo Han trying to figure out which one of the two is the actual person from his soulmate dreams. He would be so incredibly pissed off x'D

(But also, on a deeper level, imagine the shift he'd have to go through mentally when he realises his soulmate might NOT be dead after all. So maybe all those feelings, yearnings, hopes, and dreams he's been suppressing and trying to shut out for years AREN'T lost to him after all?)

And, naturally, it would be Yo Han's POV, so who knows if Ga On has dreams too? It's not like Yo Han would swallow his pride enough to just ask. That's beneath him. Also, he's busy with his revenge — he shouldn't be thinking about soulmates, dammit!

... I just have a fondness for Yo Han having a hopeless (and in this case fated) attachment to Ga On but also being pretty dang exasperated about it, I guess? So sue me.

But yeah.

TLDR: I love Soulmate AUs! :D

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #Like #You guys have no idea the speed with which I can come up with new ideas #And how quickly they get fully fleshed out #Because my brain is constantly running background operations or something #Plotting and scheeming #Bad brain #Stop that #But also #Not going to lie #That ideas is admittedly hilarious #Annoyed Yo Han is HILARIOUS

[magicalgirlsirin]

whats wrong with elysia?? i havent played genshin in a while idk who she is

LOML okay i should make it clear elysia is from honkai impact 3. i genuinely rly do like elysia its just that theres like 3 major points to her character/writing that make her genuinely infuriating and i hate her so bad. the problems with her writing do tend to fall into the same sort as the ones i have with raiden shogun, bc they both were written (mostly) by the same guy, limengan. (my mortal enemy).

so its like. 1) retconning previously established stuff [elysia retconning a major structure of the lore to fit her while also saying shes special so shes above it; raidens entire motivation being thrown out to make her an apathetic sadgirl whos not responsible for any of her own actions]

2) those retcons being made specifically in service of elevating elysia (and raiden) above any setup or implication that they might be complicated and committed to bad actions [elysia being a herrscher which was an enemy of humanity in the previous era but shes so pristine and pure as a crystal and loves humanity so much she doesnt function like other herrschers; raiden shutting up in her mind palace was because she was so sads about people she knew dying that she stopped giving a fuck about the suffering of her own people even when directly told they are suffering]

3) the writing trying really really hard to endear you to elysia and raiden despite me having major problems with their actions [elysia being horrible about boundaries and harassing mobius, not taking no for an answer, constantly overstepping mei's boundaries and calling everything dates even when mei explicitly tells her she doesnt feel the same; my qualms with raiden previously outlined above]

this isnt a full dissection of my issues with elysian realm (the arc elysia comes from) or inazuma's main story (let alone a full dive on my problems with either of the characters) but i feel like both girls represent the problems with their arcs more than anyone else. tldr i would also like it if the writing was good

#crossing blades #genshin impact #honkai impact 3rd #honkai elysia #raiden shogun