#this will probably not make sense unless you’re a swede | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dumdumsun · 3 years

Text

And Dusk

A/N: It's family dinner time, babes!!

Warnings: none that I'm aware of

Word Count: 3629

—————————————

Chapter 12: Team Zero

Striding into the steam-clouded sauna where the two remaining Swedish assassins now silently relaxed, The Handler began an unprompted conversation in their language. “All the new age remedies out there, but nothing beats a good schvitz when it comes to stress,” As she sat on the bench, the two men carefully watched her. “My job can be stressful, sure. But I can’t imagine what it must be like for you boys.” She batted her eyelashes.

“Do we know you?” The Swede, who appeared to be the leader, questioned. The Handler kept her head turned forward as she stared down.

“No. But I know all about you,” Standing from the bench, she quietly chuckled and walked to the center of the sauna, the steam crawling its way up to her neck. “However, seems you’ve run into some problems on this job.”

“Just a snag.” He tilted his head.

“You lost your brother. I’d call that more than a snag.”

Snapping, the second Swede pushed off the wall and marched up to The Handler. Before he could get too close, he grunted when she grabbed hold of his manhood, freezing his steps. She watched as his mouth fell open in pain. “What if I can give you the location of the knife-hurling dolt responsible for blowing up your beloved brother?”

The first Swede tilted his head. “Who are you?”

“Somebody you’re going to want to know.” Her eyes never left the man she was assaulting. The second Swede finally found the breath within him to speak.

“Unharm my weiner.” He wheezed in English, The Handler kindly doing as he asked, a smile on her face. He sighed and stepped away as his brother held up the hand that had been twirling a knife the entire time.

“Go on.”

At his words, she turned to him. “I’ll give you the exact location of the one you’re looking for. Diego. The rest… I’ll leave up to your imaginations.”

“What’s in it for you?”

“Let’s just say that his little game of ‘Hide the Sausage’ with my daughter needs a swift end. I just have one request,” The Handler approached the first Swede, the two in close proximity now. He watched her every move. “Don’t hurt the little one with the cute socks… and the other with the face scars.”

Lifting his chin, he furrowed his brows. “We’ve already killed her.” He mumbled. She only chuckled in amusement, the two men stiffening at the realization that their target may not have been executed like they thought.

-------------------------------------------------

The clicking of Reginald and (Y/N)’s shoes against the marble floor echoed throughout the hallway they walked down. The young girl was desperately trying to keep up with her father’s long strides, her puppy in her arms and her heart beating out of her chest. If they had actually complied, she was going to reveal her true whereabouts for the past two years to her family. They were going to know that the entire time they had been looking for Reginald, she was living under the same roof as him. No matter how many times she swallowed the lump in her throat, it always swelled right back up. “D-Dad, who are these people we’re having dinner with?”

“These people have been nothing but a nuisance to me.”

Her mind flashed back to the night of the gala. Diego had been there with Five. They were there for Reginald, to find out his intentions with the president. To find out what he was doing in Dallas in the first place. Reginald was a secretive man, he didn’t even let Grace or (Y/N) into his office unless he was present as well. Her stomach twisted in knots of anxiety the closer they approached the door to the tiki lounge. When Reginald stopped just before the doors, he turned to his daughter and lowered his voice. “When we enter, you are to sit and remain silent. Do not speak to them, do not interact with them. Sit and shut your mouth unless I tell you otherwise. And your pet remains on the floor or in your lap. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir.” She whispered and held Mr Pennycrumb close to her chest, the pup quietly panting and licking her cheek. That seemed to be enough for Reginald, for he nodded and turned forward, slamming the door open and marching into the lounge.

The Hargreeves stood dumbfounded at their father as he headed straight to the table they surrounded, not a word leaving his mouth. None of them had expected to see him ever again, especially not after the funeral they had attended back in 2019. But what they really didn’t expect to see was (Y/N) right behind him, her eyes avoiding them as she absentmindedly pat Mr Pennycrumb under his chin. She especially avoided looking at Five, whose jaw was dropped upon her appearance. The real kick was when Reginald pulled out a chair and motioned for her to sit. Without even a peep, she sat down and allowed him to scoot her closer to the table before taking his own seat. The five blinked once before taking their own seats at the table.

“Not only have you burglarized my lab, set my chimp loose, conned your way into the Mexican consulate, repeatedly stalked and attacked not only me, but my daughter as well, but you have, on numerous occasions, called me-”

Klaus joined the table with a grunt, a martini in his hand. “Hey, Pop. How’s it hangin’?”

“-‘Dad’,” Reginald gave everyone a once over as (Y/N) shifted uncomfortably under the stares of her family. “My reconnaissance tells me you’re not CIA, not KGB, certainly not MI5, so… who are you?”

(Y/N) watched as they all glanced at each other, opening their mouths to answer, but quickly closing them instead. This went on for a few seconds before Five decided to do it, “We’re your children. We’re from the future. In 1989, you adopted us all and trained us to fight against the end of the world. Called us the Umbrella Academy.”

Reginald turned his head from left to right, frowning at each individual. “Why on earth would I adopt six-”

“Eight. One of us isn’t here.” Allison clasped her hands together on the table.

“Dead,” Diego muttered, his head bowed down. “One of us is dead.”

“And the eighth?” Reginald questioned. (Y/N) cleared her throat and began to speak, but stopped when he sent a cold glare her way. “What did we talk about?”

She quickly shook her head. “No, I… I’m the eighth. I’m also your child from the future. You just… got me very early this time-”

“(Y/N), it is not the time for your games-”

“It’s not a game! W-Why do you think I’ve been leaving my dates with Preston to be with them?” At the words ‘dates’ and ‘Preston’, Five leaned forward, eyes narrowed at his love. She glanced at him apologetically and shook her head. Reginald was just about to scold her yet again, but she rolled the sleeve of her shirt up to reveal the umbrella tattoo on her left arm. “Did you forget about this?”

“Yeah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Enough of that now.” Klaus hissed and turned behind him. Everyone froze and stared at him in confusion. Turning forward again, he simply motioned for Reginald to continue. Uneasy, he did just that.

“Regardless,” His gaze turned back to Five. “What would possess me to adopt… seven ill-mannered malcontents?”

“We all have special abilities.” The boy answered.

“Special? In what sense?”

(Y/N) set her pet on the ground and sat up in her seat. “In the superpowered sense.” She raised her brows. Reginald sighed and clenched his jaw.

“My child, if you do not stay out of this as we agreed, I am going to have to send you to the car with your mother-”

“Dad! I am being so serious when I tell you I am one of them!”

“Well, call me old-fashioned, but I’m a stickler for a pesky little thing called evidence,” He turned back to the table. “Show me. All of you.”

Allison scoffed and adjusted the straw in her drink. “Everybody wants to see powers all of a sudden…”

“We’re not circus animals, okay?” Luther spoke. “We’re not gonna bounce balls on our noses and clap our hands like seals for your amusement-”

As if on cue, Diego launched a knife across the table, zipping around Reginald’s head and pinning itself into the pillar behind him. The seven leaned in and watched as the man clicked his pen and began writing in his journal. “What are you writing?” Diego asked. Reginald glanced up at him.

“You are zero for two, young man.” He quipped, Allison sputtering her drink before Diego jumped up from his seat in anger. To prevent anything disastrous from occurring, Five stood and blinked in front of his brother, halting his movement and whispering a ‘stop!’ to him. “Now, that is interesting.” Reginald muttered.

Five sighed and headed back towards his seat. “Alright, uh, quick rundown. Luther: super strength. Klaus can commune with the dead. Allison can rumor anyone to do anything.”

“Except she never uses it.” Diego muttered. Allison removed her lips from her straw and sent a tight-lipped smile towards her brother.

“I heard a rumor… you punched yourself in the face.”

Against his will, Diego rammed his fist into his face, crying out and groaning in pain immediately after. Klaus reached over and tried to comfort him as (Y/N) and Vanya ducked their heads down to hide their smiles. Reginald glanced over at the latter. “And you?”

Luther placed a hand on his sister’s arm with a smile. “Uh, maybe we don’t take Vanya for a test run.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s probably not a good idea.” Klaus sat back in his chair.

“It’s fine,” Vanya shrugged, reaching for a fork. “I can handle it.” And despite her siblings’ protests, she tapped the fork against her glass. A high-pitched tone rang and shook the table. (Y/N) held her breath as she waited for the worst. A beat later, the bowl of fruit in the center of the table exploded, chunks of fruit splattering against everyone’s clothes and faces. (Y/N) tried to dodge as Mr Pennycrumb jumped into her lap, happily licking the food from her scarred cheeks and chin.

Reginald sighed along with his future children as he handed his only actual daughter a napkin to clean herself. Adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves, he side-eyed her. “Alright, my child, show me.”

Not even hesitating, (Y/N) stood and placed her pup in her father’s lap, despite his clear distaste, and straightened her clothes. “Alright. So, I can clone myself. To both summon and dismiss these clones, I have to sing two distinct three-note tunes.” To prove her point, she ‘ooh’ed her first tune, her clone appearing from her shadow, standing with a blank stare. Reginald raised his brows and began writing in his journal. “These clones not only share a conscience with me, but function as muscle and spies.”

“Spies?” Reginald frowned.

“They’re able to record their memories for me to look over in my own mind. Over the past year, I’ve come to learn that I can view these memories in real time. They also function to fulfill any task I command them.” Turning to her clone, she placed her hands on her hips. “Pick up Pennycrumb’s leash,” She commanded, the clone immediately doing as it was told. “I’ve also recently learned that I can give them the ability to talk. But if I wanted to… oh, I don’t know… attend a date with a certain boy without actually being there, I can project my consciousness into its body.”

After taking a seat, (Y/N) immediately slumped in her chair, unconscious. The clone beside her perked up and blinked twice before turning to Reginald. The man leaned forward to inspect it, but jumped back when it spoke. “But if something prevents my clones from fulfilling their task, they will start to self-destruct after twelve hours if said task isn’t completed. This is done by tearing into its own flesh and ripping itself apart.”

At this, everyone shivered.

“Right. It’s terrifying,” The clone returned to its blank and empty shell before (Y/N) raised her head. “And to dismiss, I hum the tune from earlier in its descending order.” She demonstrated said tune, the clone disappearing into her shadow. Mr Pennycrumb excitedly jumped from Reginald to her lap, nuzzling into her arm. “Any questions, Dad?”

Reginald was hastily scribbling into his journal. “Extraordinary. Absolutely extraordinary… And even more so that you’ve managed to keep this power from me for over a year.” He whispered. Turning her head, she caught Five’s proud smile. She winked at him as Diego stood from his seat.

“Look, we know that you’re involved in a plot to assassinate the president.”

“You were recently hospitalized, isn’t that correct? You still appear to be suffering from delusions of grandeur and acute paranoia.”

“Am I?” Diego reached into his back pocket and slid a picture over to his father. “Explain this. That’s you. That’s two days from now on the grassy knoll at the exact spot the president’s gonna get shot.”

Reginald picked up the photo and scanned it before his eyes moved to his daughter, the girl slightly shrinking under his gaze. Receiving his answer to the question he was to ask her, he turned back to Diego and set the photo down. “Well… I suppose you’ve solved it. You’ve single-handedly unearth my nefarious plot,” The smile Diego wore slowly faded. “Is that what you want to hear? You fancy yourself a do-gooder? The last good man who will save us from our descent into corruption and conspiracy? This is a fantastic delusion.” The more Reginald tore into him, the lower Diego sat himself into his chair until his lips were quivering and a tear slid down his cheek. “The sad reality is that you’re a desperate man, tragically unaware of his own insignificance, desperately clinging to his own ineffectual reasoning. More succinctly, a man in over his head.”

“Y-Y-You’re wr… wrong.” Diego stuttered. (Y/N) shakily inhaled and slammed her hand onto the table, alerting the rest of her siblings.

“Don’t you ever talk to him like that!”

“And you!” Reginald whirled to his daughter, the girl flinching a bit. “You have done nothing but deceive me! I half expect you to tell me that the man you chose over Preston sits among us!”

(Y/N)’s gaze instantly found Five’s. His green orbs were pleading, begging her to say it.

Tell him. Tell him you love me. Shout it from the rooftops, promise that you’ll always believe in us. Tell him.

But she couldn’t. Not when her doubts sealed her lips shut and casted her eyes away from him. The siblings stared between the two, heartbroken for their situation. Seeing that she chose to be ashamed, Five nodded and cleared his throat to speak. “Look, forget about the president. We have a catastrophic war coming in five days. We need to figure out how to stop it.”

“War?” Reginald looked away from his daughter and to the boy across from him. “Men will always be at war with each other.”

“No, this isn’t just some war. I’m talking about a doomsday. The end of the world.”

“Well,” Reginald muttered after a beat of silence. “You’re the special ones, aren’t you? Why don’t you band together and do something about it?”

Expecting much, much more than that, all seven of them frowned. This was what Reginald wanted from the start, for them to come together as the Umbrella Academy and prevent the end of the world. But it had been almost two weeks and two apocalypses managed to form due to their actions. That was why they couldn’t.

Grunting, Klaus suddenly raised both his arms in the air and shook uncontrollably, choking out gasps and jerking his body. (Y/N) gasped and slowly reached out to him.

“Is he having a seizure?”

“Overdosing, probably…”

“Should we do something?”

Whipping her head to Luther, (Y/N) widened her eyes. “Yes!” She shouted before turning back to Klaus as he shuddered. “Shit, what if he is overdosing?!”

“Klaus,” Five leaned over and whispered. “Now is not the time. What are you doing?”

Gurgling, Klaus turned his body to Reginald, face contorted in discomfort. “I’m… Ben!” He gasped out before falling to the ground, panting and groaning. (Y/N) rushed to his side and placed a hand on his forehead.

“Klaus? Are you okay? Can you hear me?” She whispered as he reached up and weakly wrapped a hand around her wrist. Reginald looked from Klaus, to (Y/N), then to his journal before he gathered his things.

“Well… thank you for coming,” He stood from his chair and began to walk away, stepping over Klaus’s body. “I’ve seen about enough. Come along, (Y/N), your mother is waiting for us.”

A loud slam sounded, causing everyone in the room to turn to Luther, who stood and ripped his buttoned shirt open. (Y/N) covered her mouth when he revealed his discolored bare chest and abdomen. “Look at what you did to me! Look at it!”

As the siblings groaned and gawked, Reginald simply turned his attention to Five. “You in the culottes. A word, in private? (Y/N), to the car. This instant.”

“Yes, sir.” She whispered before giving Klaus a kiss on the forehead and standing to her feet. Five walked by her side in silence until they had to split ways. Reginald turned to the both of them, and just when (Y/N) was going to turn out of the lounge, Five grabbed her by the shoulders and pressed a kiss to her lips. Gasping, the girl brushed her fingertips over her lips as her face burned. She watched Reginald for a reaction, but he only motioned for her to leave. “Bye, Five.” She grinned behind her hand and hurried away.

“This way, boy.” Reginald brought Five’s attention back to him, leading the two of them to the bar. After they took their seats and he ordered their drinks, Reginald turned to his future son. “You seem to be the sensible one of the bunch.”

“That’s because I’m the oldest,” Five nodded, Reginald tilting his head. “You know, technically, I’m older than you right now.”

Reginald turned forward when the bartender set down a bottle in front of him. “Cognac?”

“Just a smidge.” Five slightly smiled. As he poured their drinks, Reginald started their subject of conversation.

“The other night, you quoted Homer at me. Why?”

Five shifted in his seat and straightened his blaser. “You forced us all to learn it as kids. In the original Greek, no less.” He raised his brows before a glass was passed to him. He and his father did a silent cheer before he took a gulp of it. The entire situation was so jarring to the boy, but as he said before, he didn’t choose this life. He’s just living it. For the next few days, anyway. “This world ends in five days if we don’t get out of the timeline.”

“Worlds end. Paleozoic, Jurassic, and so on.”

“We can do something about this one.”

“Man’s greatest flaw: the illusion of control.”

The boy frowned. “I need your help. Alright? You’re my last sane option. Otherwise, I gotta make a deal that I really don’t wanna make. What do you know about time travel?”

“In theory?”

“In practice.”

Reginald hummed. “I know it’s akin to descending blindly into the depths of freezing waters and reappearing-”

“-as an acorn. Yeah.” Five finished with a sigh.

“What transpired when you tried traveling before?”

The boy blinked and shook his head as he looked away. “I botched it…”

“How?”

“I jumped too far forward, got stuck in the future for forty-five years in an apocalypse. Then I jumped too far backwards… except this time, I brought my entire family with me.”

Reginald tapped his fingers against the bar as he clicked his tongue. “Including (Y/N)?” He questioned, receiving a nod in answer. “Well, maybe your appetite is disproportionate to the size of your abilities. Start small. Seconds, not decades.”

“Seconds?” Five widened his eyes. “Look, no offense, but I need a bit more time for what I’m trying to accomplish here.”

“So much can change in a matter of seconds. One can overthrow an empire,” His eyes moved from Five to the doorway (Y/N) had been standing in seconds ago unbeknownst to Five. “One could fall in love. An acorn doesn’t become an oak overnight.”

Five swallowed, his expression that of defeat. “I was really hoping you had more than that.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be of more help…”

Five shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry, too. I gave you such a hard time as a kid… I didn’t know any better.”

Humming, Reginald glanced down before raising his glass. “No skin off my teeth, old man.” He smiled before drinking. Five sighed and downed the rest of his drink before standing from his seat. “One more thing.”

“What is it?” Five turned back to his father, freezing at the cold look he had been giving him.

“It would be best… if you refrained from courting (Y/N).”

A pang going through his chest, Five rapidly blinked and stepped back. “W-What…?”

“Your relationship is not healthy,” Reginald stood from his stool and began walking past the boy. “And besides…”

Five clenched his fists as his father walked towards the exit of the tiki lounge.

“I have plans for her.”

—————————————

Taglist: @unfortu-nate-ly @sappyassmemes @m00n-sh @starcurrent @alexander-hamilhoe @youcandalekmyballs @wonderlandfandomkingdom @yrdadjstcallsmekatya @sm0kingcrack @a-t-h-r-e-e-n-a @moatsnow @bubblegumflamingos @starstormssymphony @meowiemari @magicalgothpandamaker @simping-4-fictional-men @hehehehannahthings @harrystylescherrie @rhain3 @himikaphoo @zerocanonlywriteshit @xxeiraxx @camerondiaz48104 @isawachickeninatree @theyaremorethanjustfictional @that-can-of-fizz @luckyzipperscissorsbat

#the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #umbrella academy x reader #tua #tua fanfic #tua five #tua x reader #five hargreeves #five hargreeves x reader #number five #number five x reader #five x reader #of starlight #and dusk

107 notes · View notes

qqueenofhades · 3 years

Note

Some additional points about that grave find in Finland that you may or may not find interesting. And that may or may not be dated, because I studied history 20 years ago. That said, I'm not sure if 1000 years ago is firmly middle-ages in this context? At least back in my uni days, they told us that here middle ages got going slowly during 1100's and 1200's when Sweden started converting the population to Christianity and the prehistorical era gradually ended. Maybe they teach differently now.

More about the grave. I don't know why The Guardian would talk about Vikings in this context at all, because the erstwhile population of current day Finland is not considered to have been Vikings, afaik. They were similarly warlike, and the graves from that era have a lot of weapons, and they certainly encountered Vikings, but they never participated in the raiding, and isn't that what makes Vikings Vikings? Their language and religion was also different. But anyway. I don't mean to correct you because the larger point stands. When I saw the headline in a Finnish news paper about that grave and traditional gender roles my first thought was, well, maybe the gender roles hadn't become traditional then yet. Just some additional context, which could be illuminating or could be totally dated.

I did the stupid thing and sent you asks about the Suontaka burial before reading the Cambridge article about it: I'm reading it now, and my comments seem fairly useless. Feel free to ignore with extreme prejudice. We're in agreement on the guardian article.

Aha, well, we all make mistakes from time to time, so no worries! However, since you do touch on a few points that I would like to discuss, I'm going to go ahead and answer, whether for you or anyone else who might find it useful. (It's the teacher in me, I'm afraid.)

First, I have to say that I had a definite "eeegh" moment at the idea that the eleventh/twelfth century isn't "medieval" in Finland just because it (at least prior to the Baltic/Northern crusades, if we're considering them to begin with the Wendish Crusade in 1147) wasn't yet fully Christianized. Scholars pretty universally accept "medieval history" as referring to the time period between 500--1500 CE (the fall of the Western Roman Empire to the Renaissance). These, of course, are horribly Eurocentric frames of reference, but there you have it. Any event or culture taking place within that span of dates, no matter where in the world it is or what its socio-political circumstances may be, is medieval. We have to call out the pernicious equivalence of "medieval" with "Western Christian European," since that seems to be the underlying assumption. This is also what makes people mistakenly think that the medieval world (which, y'know, was just as big as it is now) is exclusively about white Christian Europe, and that no other global regions have a medieval history. Either way, the eleventh/twelfth century is actually closer to the end of the medieval era than it is to the start. I'm certainly not suggesting that you were consciously implying this; I have no trouble believing that that is indeed how they taught it twenty years ago. But yeah, the idea that still-largely-pagan eleventh-century Finland couldn't be "medieval" until it's Christian is definitely not the case as understood now.

The idea that anywhere in eleventh-century Europe is still "prehistorical" in any sense of the word is likewise a little baffling, tbh. Once more, it associates "history" only with "Christianity," and that would get quite a bit of pushback if included in a paper on medieval studies today. That is what also annoys me deeply when I see people describing the pre-Columbian Americas as "prehistoric" (read: pre-white-people-historic). If the chief marker of "history" is "written history," sure, there is a very narrow pedagogical argument to be made that these societies don't have narratives or chronicles in the standard historiographical sense. But also, uh, European colonialism and conquest destroyed vast swathes of records that we have never been able to read, understand, or even access, because they're just not there anymore. There is ample evidence that the ancient (and I do mean ANCIENT, up to thousands of years BCE) and early-to-late-medieval Mesoamerican societies had complex systems of writing, astronomy, calendar-keeping, and other history-recording practices, right up until 1492. There are something like four (FOUR) pre-Columbian Mayan scrolls still in existence, out of probably thousands and thousands, because the Spanish destroyed the rest. So "prehistoric," unless you're literally referring to the Stone Age, is never a politically neutral word or a word to use uncritically...

...and speaking of the Stone Age, we actually have histories for that too! Or rather (iirc) the Ice Age, because for example, Aboriginal Australians transmit their history orally and require each new generation to memorize it, word for word, exactly as taught to them. Some of these histories stretch back over ten thousand years, which means that we actually have first-person accounts of life during the end of the Ice Age, and scientists recently discovered that these traditional narratives accurately reflected the archaeological and geological record of Australia during the time period in question. (Indigenous people know what they're talking about and should be listened to, example number 85,000.) Of course, the Western-white-supremacist model of historiography calls these just "legends" or "myths" or "folktales" rather than history, because I guess not writing it down in a chronicle as a monk in a European Christian monastery in the year 1015 or whatever doesn't qualify as history for some people. (I don't have strong opinions about this or anything. Welp.)

I likewise don't know why the Guardian article brought up the Vikings, aside from the fact that they were quoting someone who explicitly used the Vikings in a hypothetical scenario about "traditional gender roles." This person expressed surprise that an intersex person living in a medieval Scandinavian society could rise to a high social role, by citing the widespread belief that "Vikings" were all dedicated to being very manly at all times and nobody with feminine qualities/feminine-coded social power could rule over them. I don't know if this was just a bad phrasing (plus, it obviously overlooks the often-egalitarian nature of medieval Scandinavian societies and plays into the favored white supremacist stereotype of the Vikings as some Master Aryan Race Where Men Were Men, etc) or what, but yeah, it's wrong across the board. Viking is the name of an occupation, not an ethnicity. It comes from the word wicing, meaning "seafarer" or "sea raider," and referred only to those guys who went out on their longships and stole a lot of stuff from their neighbors, most notably in the eighth to eleventh centuries. Their families back at home were part of the exact same society and benefited from those raids, but strictly speaking, they weren't vikings. We use the word "Viking" to describe any member of a medieval Scandinavian society, but it's similar to describing everyone living in the eighteenth-century Caribbean, no matter who they were or their social status or ethnic background, as "pirates," which is obviously inaccurate.

As you correctly point out, the Finns aren't considered quite the same as the Norwegians, Danes, and Swedes (as anyone can tell from looking at their written language; N/D/S are mutually intelligible and derive from the same linguistic family, while Finnish is COMPLETELY different and comes from an altogether separate branch of the tree) and therefore it's even more baffling that the person quoted in the Guardian article would cite them as an example of a "Viking" society. Likewise as you note, the whole phrase "traditional gender roles" is intensely problematic in most contexts, and especially here. It assumes that modern Western ideals of sex and gender have been static and unchanging throughout history, and that means that we tend to read our own (biased) assumptions onto the historical record and then get surprised when, shock of shock, they don't fit. The burial at Suontaka seems to have been of a biologically intersex person (i.e. someone with Klinefelter syndrome), but this is also the case when it comes to people assigned the usual male or female at birth, without any complicating genetic conditions. I'm working on a book review for an entire edited volume that discusses the intense gender-fluidity and proto-transgenderism in some medieval saints' lives, and how obviously the fact that they have been held up as a holy example, while explicitly subverting the so-called Traditional Gender Roles of the Middle Ages, means that it was (and is) a lot more complicated than shallow stereotypes and Bad Medievalism would have it.

Anyway, this is long enough (especially considering that you graciously offered me the chance to ignore it) so I think we'll stop here for now. But yes, there you have it. :)

#history #ancient history #medieval history #queer history #anonymous #ask

22 notes · View notes

avellanas-nutty-empire · 4 years

Text

Silent Love Part 3

Yo yo yo im v upset this chapter turned out being like half the length of the last 2 ;-;-;-;-;-;-; But its important groundwork!

Originally this was supposed to be the fluffy cat chapter, but im unfortunately pushing it back to part 5 at the earliest. Other things just need to happen before then >:’(

Fandom: The Umbrella Academy

Pairing: Axel x Irish!OC

Time and Place: Spring 1990 San Patricio

Summary: Much like part 2, this chapter takes place all spoken in swedish and if all goes well the dialog will be blue. Enjoy my first attempt at Axel pov!!!

“Grandfather! Grandfather!” The little girl calls out as she runs towards an elderly man.

“Oh, my little Adela! Where have you been?” He responds, engulfing her in his arms with a big hug. He speaks swedish, but it's clearly not his native language. Axel deduces.

“Oh, grandpa...” She holds on tighter. “I got lost.... and someone started chasing me! I couldn't understand what he was saying” Tears started to soak the man's clothed shoulder. She’s been brave to not cry until now, who knows what that man's true intentions were. There aren't many kind americans here - unless they’re immigrants.

“There there, little one. I've got you. Did this man help you?” The grandfather asks, looking up at Axel. He responds with a small nod.

“Oh, yes! I was trapped in the alley by the irish pub with this lady, and he heard me call for help!” Her tears come close to a halt as she continues. “He was very brave, the lady hit her head but still helped clean our injuries afterwards. She reminds me of mama” That's understandable I suppose, considering the situation that woman did a good job of staying calm.

“Well then, I’ll have to thank them both for helping you out” Unwrapping his arms from Adela, he stands up to face Axel. “Thank you so much, Sir. Is there something I can do to repay you both?”

“A thank you isn't necessary; Adela is back in good hands - that's what matters” Although the irish woman probably wouldn't mind knowing the girl is safe and back with her family.

“Nonsense, my boy. You got injured helping my girl! The least I can do is buy you a drink or two, why don't we go to the pub next time you're free. Besides, I still need to thank the lady as well” For a swede to refuse a drink from someone was not exactly common courtesy. Most likely he learned swedish to have a relationship with someone he fell for. He’s offering me a drink because he doesn't want this to be our last interaction.

“...What's your first language?” Axel decided to question.

“Oh, how rude of me! My name is Nikolas, but you can call me Nick. I was born in Finland” That makes sense.

“Axel” He nods in response, giving his name. “Next week good?" The old man shows a bright smile at his words.

"Yes, it does. Thank you so much! I'll let you go now, have a good night and stay safe - I'll see you then!" Axel nods again in response, and begins to walk off.

"Thank you Axel!" Adela calls out to his retreating figure, waving a hand goodbye.

plz plz god let the dialog stay blue!!!

#avellanahablando #the swedes #the umbrella academy #silent love tua #tua axel #axel x oc

29 notes · View notes

nancydrew428 · 4 years

Text

Nancy Drew Game Ideas

Plot Ideas:

Anarchanoid -

I've always wanted a nancy drew game similar to episode 3 of Sherlock, where she has to solve a mystery quick as every hour or so someone else gets killed. It would add a lot of tension and having people killed in different areas would be a good way to add more areas to investigate as the game goes on.

Anonymous -

A storyline involving a Serial Killer would be pretty dark. Particularly if they killed somebody close to Nancy.

Celiaeqqus -

I came up with an idea for a fan fic (and I really need to get around to writing it), where Nancy is kidnapped by some baddies who've heard about how good she is at solving mysteries. Who told them this? Dwayne Powers, who still has the map from RAN and is using a gang to get Nancy to help him find the treasure. Other prisoners alongside Nancy would be Henrik, since he's doing glyph translations, maybe Prudence Rutherford or Charlena Purcell, since they both have encyclopaedic knowledge about certain parts of history. If they did this as a game, maybe the player could get a chance to play as the other captives, so the majority of it isn't set in Nancy's cell. Of course, in the fan fic we'd see other characters from all over... maybe Nancy could have a TV in the room and sees reports of her family and friends - and people she's helped on past cases - doing their damnedest to find her?

@detectivecatsuitdrew (post) -

Nancy Drew: Music of the Unknown

Nancy and Ned travel to Austria for a long overdue vacation. They have a romantic evening planned at a historic music hall to watch a famous conductor direct an enchanting, almost hypnotizing concerto she wrote herself. Half way through the concerto, the harmony turns to cacophony, the conductor passes out, and the lights go out. Rumors about the conductor fly around the theatre as the show pauses at an early intermission. Some people think the conductor is losing it. Maybe the conductor has pushed themselves too far. Maybe the conductor has a secret no one knows about. Nancy can’t help but feel there’s something more sinister afoot.

Although she promised Ned that there’d be no mysteries on their vacation, she can’t help but be pulled in by the music’s call. Can Nancy help the conductor before she’s pushed too far? Will this mystery break Nancy and Ned’s relationship? Go to Austria to find out. The music of the unknown is calling.

Detectivecatsuitdrew -

Nancy Drew: Mystery of the Vampire’s Curse

Nancy’s investigated werewolves, monsters, mummies, and all sorts of ghosts, so it’s time to head to Romania to investigate a vampire.

Nancy accompanies Carson on a trip to a small town in Transylvania, Romania to pick up a few documents and look into a few things for one of Carson’s clients. It’s the perfect chance to explore a quaint little town and catch up on some father-daughter bonding time. All of that flies out the window when Nancy herself gets kidnapped! Some of the locals say there’s an actual vampire plaguing the town. Could that possibly be true?

Switch back and forth between Nancy and Carson to figure out who took Nancy and why, and more importantly, find out where she is before it’s too late. The stakes have never been higher, and the consequences of failing never more deadly.

Detectivecatsuitdrew -

Nancy Drew: The Secret in the Vineyard

When a vineyard’s owner dies, there’s no suspicion of foul play. The youngest child of the late owner, however, isn’t convinced. He calls on Nancy Drew to investigate. Her presence ruffles the feathers of the two older siblings. As the tension rises in the house, Nancy concludes that the coroner was right; the vineyard’s owner died by natural causes.

However, there’s a bigger mystery at hand. After learning the vineyard was used as a set in a film made in the 1950s, a film plagued with mishaps and even a crime that ended the film’s production, Nancy learns that the late owner may have taken a secret to the grave. Can Nancy solve a decade’s old crime? Are there other secrets hiding in this vineyard? Travel to Northern California to find out!

Detectivecatsuitdrew -

Nancy Drew: The Asylum Ghost

Nancy isn’t surprised to hear from her friend, Savannah Woodham. She is surprised, however, when she asks her to be her assistant for a new venture. Nancy travels to an old abandoned asylum alongside Savannah as Savannah serves as an expert in a new documentary, directed by John Grey from TRN of all people.

Nancy learns about one of the most infamous patients at the asylum, a woman labeled “Crazy Mary.” As John Grey’s crew works to capture footage and hauntings, Nancy conducts her own investigation alongside Savannah. Both women just know there’s something more to Mary’s story than history’s telling. Can Nancy set the past right?

Detectivecatsuitdrew -

Nancy Drew: The Note in the Sanctuary

Nancy decides to take some time to volunteer at an animal sanctuary with Bess and George. Everything is going smoothly until, one night, there’s a break-in! Someone tries to steal one of the animals, but why? To sell the animal on the black market? To keep it as a pet? Or is the sanctuary not as reputable as it seems?

With the help of her friends, Nancy has to figure out who’s behind the attempted crime before they strike again. More importantly, she needs to know the truth to make sure she’s doing what she originally volunteered to do: take care of the animals and make sure they’re safe.

Fashion77 -

Nancy could be flying to or from River Heights (whichever) and the plane could crash! The mystery could be to find out what caused the crash, find her missing friends (they were in the plane crash too), and/or find her way out of they jungle they crashed in (with no food or water she would only have so much time to survive)!

The Key Clue :) -

[They explained how the first game would end, so I put that under “Ending Ideas.”]

OK, so for the second game, it picks up where we left off and we learn a little more about what happened. The plane's been hijacked and unless Nancy is able to retrieve a device from a representative of the Australian branch of Krolmeister that's being sent to the US for testing, "her fellow passengers will pay the price." Nancy is told that they've brought enough fuel on the plane to allow them to stay up in the air for days and also have a secret island they'll be hovering around where they can refuel. They also disabled the device on the plane that allows them to be tracked before the plane took off. So the second game is basically Nancy being the only one who knows what's going on, has to tell the other passengers a reason made up by the hijackers for the odd event, and find and essentially steal this hidden device for them. If she succeeds, everyone will be OK and the plane will go back on course home. She has to hurry up, or else everyone (including air traffic control) will get suspicious. If any passengers find out what's going on, the hijackers cover will be blown. This whole event is supposed to be a secret from Krolmeister. If she contacts the police in any way, she'll suffer the consequences. I figure though that she can somehow reason with the hijackers to let her phone her friends for help, as long as they don't contact the police. They do tell Nancy, however, that if the police show up anywhere near them, "everyone will suffer the consequences." So Nancy is in a situation where she has to comply.

Likealonewolf -

I'm partial to Sweden because it's the only place I've been outside of the U.S. There's a lot of fun cultural things they could put in there. Lots of yummy pastries and deserts too. Maybe Nancy could have to pose as a volunteer at an open air museum similar to Skansen? That way they could have cute animals and incorporate the different parts of the country into one game without excessive travel. And there is train travel that Nancy could utilize. Also, it would actually make sense for the local characters to speak English because most Swedes can speak English.

Mardropkick -

I want another game similar to Phantom of Venice where you get to do a lot of undercover work, but make it be into some sort of organization. Ooh! maybe you have to go undercover as part of an organization to learn its secrets and spy on them for someone else.

Mardropkick -

The other thing that would be cool is a National Treasure type game where you had to travel to different locations, but make the background and story line darker. Maybe something about an unsolved case?

MississippiJoel -

A human trafficking theme.

Nancy is called to investigate the disappearance of a cute teenaged girl, snatched from the streets in a third world country.

As she digs deeper, she meets escaped former slaves from a shadow organization that kidnaps people and forces them into hard labor. Eventually, she sneaks into a labor camp, frees the girl, finds the diamonds the slaves were searching for (think Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom), they have a daring escape, and Nancy presents convincing evidence to the authorities of the existence of the kidnappers, leading to the liberation of the camp and the prosecution of the criminals.

I think that would be the perfect way to raise awareness of modern slavery, and would lend itself to the perfect amount of danger while telling the story in a compelling way.

Nanfanhan -

[Playing as the culprit] Let's say this is ICE you're playing. You have a checklist, but nothing else. You are out in the mountains, with a bomb. When you check your checklist, it says {} Let loose bomb on Avalanche Hill. {} Make sure no one gets suspicious. You can't see any part of yourself, or hear your voice, and you don't have money, inventory, other suspects around, or a cell phone, so you can't tell who you are. [What, you thought you'd know who you were?] You put down the bomb in the designated spot, then it goes... ..........EXPLOSION NOISE.......... [You switch to Nancy] "What was that noise?" And so on.

Pandaplusbunny -

If I had to write a darker-than-usual story, I'd probably make it something that affects more than just the characters in the story. A threat of bioterrorism (similar to the plot of Inferno maybe?) or a huge corporate or government scandal that could rock the nation/economy. I guess just make it more of a realistic threat instead of "Oo a spooky ghost!"

The problem is that tension is immediately dissolved when Nancy is sent on errands. They need to keep the thread going, with Nancy commenting, "I better get this task done or else xyz!"

Rrieger -

It's gonna sound horrible when I word it this way, but I'd love to see the target be an old fan favorite character instead of someone close to Nancy. Like, if they offed one of the cowboys from Secret of Shadow Ranch. I think this type of plot would serve a few points -- more emotional investment = more motivation to solve the game, a familiar place for old fans would bring that touch of nostalgia that sells so well, and new fans would want to play the old game to understand the whole deal. Win win win

Sedimentally -

I agree with bioterrorism. Like maybe someone breaks into the CDC and steals a new strain of deadly virus. They catch the guy but he won't give up where he hid it. While in custody, he tries to get a message out to his friend (he had to change the dropoff location at the last second when the police were on his tail.) The police intercept it but the message is coded. Now nancy is racing to find the stolen viles before the other guy can.

Tyrianpurple -

I think it would be cool if Nancy had to go undercover and infiltrate a cult based on an anonymous tip from someone on the inside asking to be saved, but because it was anonymous Nancy doesn't know who among the characters is the one asking to be rescued so she needs to maintain her cover. Snooping and investigating would have to take place at night and she would have to avoid getting busted. All the suspects would seem shady so it would be up to Nancy's investigating to figure out who is the one that asked to be rescued.

Ultimate game objective would be to not just save the victim but also implicate the cult leader.

Veryveryinteresting -

Maybe a plot based in a hospital, Nancy has to visit the morgue, patients, blood bank, something like that. Maybe one of the staff has disappeared or bodies gone missing, or the hospital is on lock down due to an outbreak of some kind. She could visit each floor of the hospital, including roof and creepy basement!

@yiikesyikes (post) -

I’d love for the next Nancy mystery to be set on a cruise ship like they’d planned on doing for the dossier games. The spooks! The waves! The mortal danger of being trapped on the ocean with a ruthless criminal!!!

They could even steal the entire plot from the 70s TV show. They had an immaculate episode where Nancy had to protect a mystery novelist who was being forced to live one of his murder mysteries. “The Mystery of the Ghostwriters Cruise” would be a Nancy game to remember!!

Storyline Ideas:

Archaeology - milk-eyedmender

Countess Bathory - skmdk64

Municipal parks department - mermaid_k

Poachers - mermaid_k

Radio broadcast - kai_okama

The Romanovs - alyssarcastic

Sasquatch - allieadmade

Sci-fi - livelaughtacos

UFO Pacific Northwest - allieadmade

Vampires - skmdk64

Vandalism - mermaid_k

Vlad Tepes - skmdk64

Working with animals - skmdk64

Young Frankenstein vibes with vampires + folklore - tuf00234

Clues/Findings:

Finding tracks in the dark - mermaid_k

Secret passageway in the Taj Mahal - nandydrew

Puzzle/Side Game Ideas:

Collecting plastic/trash from beach - mermaid_k

Find clues

Cooking cultural foods - mermaid_k

Garbage run - mermaid_k

Drive, change garbages, find clues

Flower painting - mermaid_k

Lawn-mowing game - mermaid_k

like ice-clearing in ICE but instead of falling through the ice, you get lawnmower (industrial 3 deck mowers) stuck in wet ground because you sunk

mow without hitting trees/damaging things (adjust how wide you are from lifting and putting down your mower decks)

Pick up littered cans - mermaid_k

exchange for money to buy things

Weedwhacking - mermaid_k

Work at cemetery (spooky) - mermaid_k

Grass care

Learning Ideas:

Learn about endangered species - skmdk64

Learn about species of sea turtles - mermaid_k

Learn about the Civil War/plantations - itoldyousoanysayo

Learn about the Incas - empresslanfan

Learn Cyrillic code - withoutreservation

Learn more about Maori culture - anonamouselle

Learn more Spanish - empresslanfan

Learn some Swahili - empresslanfan

Research Cold War history (in Russia) - tuf00234

I would love to see Nancy go to Amsterdam, Holland for an awesome downtown experience or perhaps Beijing, China for some Great Wall/Forbidden City action!

Location Ideas:

Amsterdam downtown - haeniym

Angkor Wat - milk-eyedmender

Australia - kai_okama

Central America - mermaid_k

China - kai_okama

Conservation area (in Africa) - skmdk64

Costa Rica - mermaid_k

Forbidden City - haeniym

Great Wall - haeniym

Hong Kong - mothprincess

Hungary - skmdk64

India - nandydrew

Istanbul - mothprincess

Kenya - tatertoski

Los Angeles - mardropkick

Ocean liner - hayleyhairball

National park - allieadmade

New York - mardropkick

Peru - empresslanfan

Romania - countrygirl2487

Romania castle - tuf00234

Russia - alyssarcastic

Russian playgrounds (creepy) - tuf00234

Safari - tatertoski

South America - empresslanfan

South Korea - kai_okama

Space - writhingroots

Sub-sahara Africa - alyssarcastic

Sweden - likealonewolf

Switzerland - mothprincess

Tanzania - tatertoski

Zoo (in Africa) - skmdk64

Ending Ideas:

Anonymous -

I want a Nancy Drew game that features Hotchkiss as one of the characters and at the end, it looks like the culprit is going to get away with their crime, but Hotchkiss comes over at the last second and hits them over the head with a guitar, saying, "Rock and roll, dear."

The Key Clue :) -

So, in the first game it would be Nancy in Australia - something we all want! I have absolutely no idea what the plot would be, but my idea involves more of the ending of this game. The game ends in a cliff-hanger. Just after Nancy explains the solution of the mystery and before the credits come up, Nancy is boarding her plane home. The plane takes off and an announcement comes over from the pilot. Something along the lines of "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet and the weather looks..." The pilot stops speaking abruptly and you here a crash over the PA system. The plane takes a nose dive and quickly comes up again back onto its regular course. A strange voice comes over the system and says "Would Nancy Drew please come to the cockpit immediately. If she refuses to comply with our wishes, her fellow passengers will pay the price." Something threatening along those lines. And that's it. The game ends.

Mayaw1010

Along the lines of SPY though, one aspect I really liked about that game and Ghost of Thornton Hall that I want to see more of is when we get to make choices that affect the game. I loved how GTH had multiple endings and SPY gave you the choice to work with the opposing group or not. For me, making choices that actually matter really creates tension.

Sugarplumninja -

Catch animal poachers

#here it is!#if anyone has any more ideas message me and i can add them :)#nancy drew #her interactive #clue crew #video game #video games #game #games #plot #plots

19 notes · View notes

smash-chu · 5 years

Note

All of the fantasy asks!!

Fairy- What is something that you get excited about?

A lot of things, it’d be hard to list everything but i get excited about things in games i like, seeing people i care for being excited, and whatnot! I also get excited about drawing something really well and also knowing it will be liked

Mermaid- What are you looking forward to?

Uhhhh, that thingy with you whenever that happens :3 And i guess seeing where life takes me, as well as looking forward to more summers, i love summer

Elf- What are you proud of?

That i decided to keep on drawing!

Dragon- Sexuality?

Ace, probably, haven’t really bothered to figure that stuff out

Griffin- Gender?

I’ve gone with female for as long as i have known, so i s’pose that

Unicorn- Who do you look up to?

My friends! I don’t have any particular people that i look up to per say, some artists can be inspiring though sometimes

Spirit- Have you ever been in love?

No idea :b Maybe? I honestly don’t know for sure

Ghost- Favorite song?

Hard to pick!! I love plenty of songs, i’ve been listening to this a lot tho recently because it’s nostalgic and makes me happy

Poltergeist- Favorite song lyric?

This entire song, it’s so pretty it sometimes makes me cry, it’s an innocent, sweet song that just overwhelms my soul with a feeling of hearth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGCOWadWE2Q

Ghoul- Who is someone that makes you laugh easily/who’s company you enjoy most of, if not all of, the time?

You, you goof :b As in the person sending this ask

Goblin- What makes you happy?

Seeing people i like being happy

Dwarf- Favorite tv show?

Hah! I don’t watch tv! Nor shows these days! Luckily i can just say the moomins cause reasons~ Oh and Pokemon, but i stopped watching that after the gen 5 season came out cause that was also when it took a major halt in being released in Sweden :b

Vampire- Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?

I don’t read many books, mostly cause i know little to no good books and spend so much time drawing and doing other things! I do read a webcomic atm :3c Which i should keep on reading..

Werewolf- Who is your family? Who do you live with?

My family is my straight parents n my three younger siblings, they are a silly bunch! I currently live with no one but there are plans for that to change :3

Siren- Favorite color?

This beautiful thing! I love a lot of colors tho

Hobgoblin- Do you like anyone?

Wraith- Any scars?

Yeah i have scars on one of my eye lids from a big lump i had growing on it when i was young, it went away but it left it’s mark! Fun fact, it happened on both, but only one left a scar. There’s also a very faint and barely visible scar from when i hit my chin against a rock when i was younger. I also have stretch marks, but i dunno if those count.

Specter- Have you ever been in love?

Bitch this is the same question as the one earlier, the fuck

Chimera- Will you/do you want to get married?

Oh i wonder what the answer to that is UwU

Changeling- Do you want children?

No idea, based on the fact that i’m scared of pregnancy and already hate my uterus to oblivion i will never bear a child myself that’s for sure, but if given the time, resources and motivation, i would maybe consider adoption later in life

Oracle- Do you like children?

Yes and no, they can be incredibly annoying, but also funny and carefree. I do respect them though and won’t be a jerk to a child, but i in general avoid having anything to do with them if i can.

King- Describe your ideal day.

My ideal day is one where everything is chill, there’s no chore that needs to be done, i have no commissions or schoolwork, literally anything is within my reach and i can hang with my best friend.

Queen- Age?

20!

Princess- What is your relationship with your parents like?

Chill, they owe me stuff and i tend to help them out a lot more than they would like, but hey good on them raising a child who saves up a shit ton of money when given the chance :b I like them but they also feel hard to talk to, too, there’s still that thing in me that doesn’t like facing them despite me being an adult and they treating me as such.

Prince- Birthday?

The 17th of February!

Necromancer- If you could spend a week with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

My best friend, the sender of this ask :3

Castle- What is something that not a lot of people know about you?

I work towards goals other people would not expect nor think would be a thing, oh and i also like never ever brush my hair because i’ve given up on trying to tame my wild mane of curls - i am at it’s mercy

Tower- What is (at least one thing) something that you’re afraid of?

Talking to my parents about stuff that involve saying no to something they want. Falling down my stupid stairs on accident. Hurting people i love on accident. I also have a strange fear of construction machines which i can’t explain.

Magic- Describe your crush without saying their name.

The fuck is a crush lmao, i can give my info on things like appearance vise! Tall, long hair, freckles, glasses, chubby and friendly looking! Both of my best friends i’ve had over the years had those features, so that might be why i like those things

Enchanted Forest- Height?

4′11″ i’m always the shortest in any squad i am in and i contribute by making people feel tall for once, never expect me to successfully get anything off a high shelf unless you wish to see me go on a dangerous climbing quest

Magic Healer- Any pets? If so, what are they?

Don’t got no pets of my own, but my family owns a lil doggo named Zigge! Unless one counts the spiders in my house, in which case i have a big cellar spider named Sanic (cause she fast) and a occasionally visiting jumping Spider named Stripey.

Potions- Relationship status?

Single, duh

Potion Making- Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I don’t even remember who i last gave a kiss to in the flesh, so i dunno

Divination- What do you think about yourself?

I’m certainly a person! I love my own sense of humor cause i often amuse myself and like how creative i am, it makes life so much more enjoyable. As much fun as it is making fun of my smallness and being a grump about it, i like that too honestly. I wish i had freckles though. And also was better at comforting people. I kinda suck at that a lot

Visions- Do you miss anyone?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, i dunno maybe my bestie

Curses- How do you show affection?

I throw gifts towards a person, often art, and i also do it via constantly wanting to listen to what they say and want to hear whatever they are up to. I also tend to pick up the interests of people i like so i can relate and talk to them about it, it also makes me understand, and i value that a lot. Catering and trying to make either a fun or comfy atmosphere for the person is also something. Physical affection i am less certain about, mostly cause i don’t have anyone nearby to do that with yet :’3 Hugs are wonderful tho!

Charms- Are you religious?

Never have, never will. It doesn’t interest me, i love myths and stuff like that, but dedicating myself to a religion? Nah

Hexes- What’s your favorite smell?

Baking bread, sitting in the oven.... ahh..

Jinxes- If you could be anywhere, where would you want to be?

I like being in my home :3 I personally would not be anywhere else, but if i could bring another person here the obvious pick would be my bestie, of course ;3 And if i have to pick?? I guess at their place, though that’s far away and i don’t like America cause it kinda sucks and is scary for a little swede like me who has at most traveled to Germany and Denmark which are like right around the corner

#ask meme #ask #anothermageofheart #text #smash-chu talks #long post

5 notes · View notes

birdsy-purplefishes · 5 years

Text

I have MANY thoughts and feelings about Midsommar.

Okay I saw Midsommar last night and it was an experience. So this post is probably going to be long and rambling and it is definitely 100% for-sure going to contain some spoilers. I’m gonna put a whole lot of it behind a Read More.

First, though, I want to say that while I thought this film was great it is definitely one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I went into it knowing almost nothing--and honestly I wouldn’t have been prepared even if I had read spoilers--and that was the ideal way to see it for me but there are many triggering things and some very problematic things in this film. I’m gonna try to be vague as possible but you might not not to watch this one if anything from the following list is something you can’t handle. That said: I am very easily disturbed by a lot of things and I found that this film was so bizarre that I never really felt like I couldn’t finish it. It’s... kind of weirdly selective about which gruesome stuff it shows and what it doesn’t. The most terrifying things to me were implied things and I didn’t realize them until after it had ended. Somehow... miraculously... this film didn’t come across as gore/torture-p*rn to me. So Trigger Warning / Content Warnings for this movie: Violence, blood, gore, horrible suffering. Sex, nudity. Mental illness and stigmatization/perpetuation of harmful myths about mentally ill people. Suicide. Ableism. Racism. A rape scene that I think most people didn’t even realize was a rape scene because it’s bizarre and left somewhat ambiguous. Emetophobia triggers. Body horror. A whole lot of drugs. Squicky grossout stuff. Emotional, psychological, and religious abuse.

There’s probably other stuff I forgot. Basically everything horrible is in this movie. It was definitely worth it but it’s a hard watch.

Okay, now for spoilery stuff.

The backstory shown in the first few minutes is incredibly disturbing. Dani’s bipolar sister murders their parents and kills herself. It’s graphic. It’s disturbing. It definitely portrays suicide in a negative light, which is pretty much good, but: can horror movies stop perpetuating myths about mentally ill people?! This stuff is damaging! It makes mentally ill people out to be monsters and then ignorant people treat them worse. It makes mentally ill people feel like there isn’t any hope for them! This part sucked a lot. The only interpretation of this that isn’t awful is the fan theory that there are clues in the background that suggest that the cult may have actually framed Dani’s sister but that’s kind of a stretch. None of the other foreshadowing in the film is as subtle as the supposed hints that the cult fabricated the whole thing so I doubt it.

The foreshadowing is actually super obvious. It’s the typical horror film where the characters have no idea what’s going on & you’re like “DUDE GET OUT OF THERE!” the whole time. People on the subreddit are pointing out all kinds of foreshadowing and even the tapestry at the beginning shows you who all of the characters are and like 90% of the story.

Dani’s boyfriend, Christian, sucks. His friends suck. There’s a lot of macho bullshit and they’re just cold and dismissive. And the boyfriend’s a manipulative little leech. You hate him so much! I found myself hoping that she’d kill them all except maybe the cute friendly Swede. Basically the entire movie he’s gaslighting and dismissing her and his friends talk shit about her constantly. It’s the typical “oh, women are irrational and over sensitive” macho bullshit. Like to the extent that all of them know about the murder-suicide of her entire family but none of them try to fucking shield her from seeing the suicide ritual. Not even the guys who know damn well what it is going into it!

The fact that they’re all anthropology majors and they go into it with a sense of cold detachment and an insistence on cultural relativism (or utter obliviousness) and it makes them total assholes wasn’t lost on me and I’m glad that someone went into detail: https://slate.com/culture/2019/07/midsommar-graduate-students-villains-ari-aster.html

The bros say something about him dumping her and finding somebody who “actually likes sex” and there’s a lot of interpretations to that, none of which are less than horrible. Like does he try to pressure her into doing stuff she doesn’t want to? Probably! Like whether she has emotional or physical sexual dysfunction isn’t discussed and that’s kind of brilliant because even if she does have issues it’s not her fault at all and the dudes are g a r b a g e for even suggesting it.

The cute friendly Swedish dude (Pelle) who was the only one to be kind to Dani at all was actually the worst manipulator of all! He’s totally luring her in! He’s love-bombing and manipulating her! He literally “draws” her in. He does some forced-teaming shared-trauma bullshit. I gotta say though: I fell for it! I wanted her to dump the guy for him! I’m almost surprised that she didn’t fall for it. I think it’s more due to the fact that she’s traumatized and grieving than anything.

The most disturbing thing about the guy, though, is that I can’t decide if he does all of this because he’s evil or because he’s genuinely a true believer and believes with all his heart that he’s doing good things. That will haunt me forever tbh. Just... always watch out for guys who want to “save” you. They are the scariest fucking abusers.

The whole cult is love-bombing her, actually. The whole film is like Cult Tactics 101. They find a vulnerable young woman who’s lost everything. She doesn’t feel a sense of love and belonging anywhere. She has no support system unless you count her garbage basically-sociopathic-but-aloof boyfriend who really doesn’t count. Pelle hand-selected her because she’s the ideal cult brainwashing candidate. He’s seen firsthand just how much shit she takes from Christian and how she’s constantly falling for his gaslighting and tolerating him mistreating her. I was actually kind of disturbed at how many women I saw online reacting to the cult saying it was empowering or matriarchal. It’s not at all! The first elder we see leading things is female but the ones handling the book and enforcing the rules are men. I can only recall two women elders who do much of anything and they’re both just prominent parts of ceremonies. They’re announcers/performers. They’re definitely complicit but the men are behind the scenes controlling it. And look at the sex ritual! There’s no real emphasis on female pleasure and it’s all being a good little brood mare. It’s a performance. And small babies are kept away from their mothers to be raised communally. They send the mothers away from their babies! Even the May Queen role sucks if you think about it for even a second. The whole “we’re a family” thing is just creepy as hell. There’s even a lot of foreshadowing to it that I missed, like the guy who greets her shaking the mens’ hands but saying “welcome home” to her. Said guy also calls his traditional garb “girly” when Dani compliments it, btw! And of course the division of labor is patriarchal. The clothing is patriarchal too.

The mental health ableism stuff is bad but there’s ableism based on physical disability as well. Arguably it’s supposed to condemn the cult for fetishizing disabled people and promoting incest to deliberately create disabled people but... it still comes across as “look at this deformed kid” and it’s fucked up.

I can’t tell if the movie is trying to show us that the cult is racist or if the movie itself is racist. They kill off the three non-white outsiders pretty quick. Was that classic horror movie “the black guy dies first” bullshit or was that supposed to be like “look, these seemingly peaceful and loving people are xenophobic and racist and there’s a reason why all of them are super duper white despite bringing in outsiders”. Like I came out of the film definitely convinced that it’s no coincidence that the blue-eyed blonde chick gets singled out as special by these people.

It made me really uncomfortable to realize that the sex ritual is technically a rape scene. We get clues that Christian goes into it voluntarily to some extent, sure. When he knows that girl (and she does look like a young girl!) is trying to seduce him we don’t really see his reaction but he doesn’t seem to refuse outright. He seems ambivalent until he's offered the drugs but then he hears that they’ll make him lose his inhibitions, looks at the girl, and gulps the liquid. He saw it as an excuse to get away with cheating and he took it. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s drugged when he actually agrees to the sex. He’s tripping the whole time. He’s being pressured and prodded and even literally physically manipulated. He’s out of it. The girl seems kind of out of it too. It’s really fucked up. But like it’s so weird and you’re so mad at him for everything shitty he’s done to Dani that you’re just like what?! But when you think about the fact that he’s drugged and you see the way he’s horrified after he realizes what he’s done... it’s horrific. He was violated.

I like that we see just how viscerally traumatic it is to be cheated on. Dani vomits, collapses and wails. And our sympathies are with her.

The cultists imitation of their members’ suffering is actually deeply disturbing and a huge aspect of the love-bombing thing, especially for Dani. She goes from being barely held by her expressionless piece-of-shit boyfriend while she wails to having a whole bunch of women replicate and act out her suffering. They do this too at the botched suicide and the final scene. They even kind of do it when she fails to eat the fish. It kind of looks communal and empathetic but it’s a feigned empathy. It’s another way that people in the cult lose their own personal identities. Nothing is yours there! Not even your suffering is yours.

To be honest... I went to see this film ‘cause a lot of the reactions to it were women gleefully enjoying seeing a shitty boyfriend suffer a horrible fate. I’m always down for misandry and cinematography! BUT... this was just excessive. The boyfriend is a total bastard. He did kinda need to die tbh. But he basically gets tortured to death. It’s made pretty explicitly clear that it’s horrific. They make no effort to mercy kill him like they did to the elderly guy whose jump failed to kill him. And like... the actor even gets it. The guy’s a scumbag and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He even backstabs Chidi From The Good Place! But what happened to him is just awful.

The director and the lead actor actually disagree about the ending! Ari Aster says that Dani knows what she’s doing when she condemns Christian to die. Florence Pugh says she’s out of it.

I say it doesn’t actually matter whether Dani chose to kill Christian or not or what her motive was. Honestly it might have been a mercy killing given the state that he was in! Like maybe it was revenge for her and maybe the cult did it to make her feel empowered but it sucks being forced to choose who lives and dies. It sucks that some creepy cultist basically stole her man. It’s the whole “a pedestal is the same as a cage” thing for sure.

Last thing I can think of for now: I’m very surprised and more than a little distressed at all the people--especially women--who see this as a happy ending for Dani. Sure, it’s kind of a dark fairy tale revenge fantasy. But she’s objectively worse off than she is at the beginning of the film! She’s brainwashed and trapped! Like... I forgot where I read this now but basically Aster says that she goes from with one gaslighter to being with an entire cult of gaslighters! What do you think is gonna happen to her in the future?! She’s gonna have to live with her dead boyfriend’s baby that he had with some rando chick if that fertility ritual worked! She’s gonna have to live in a shitty commune. She’s gonna have PTSD 5ever from everything that happened. It’s honestly a tragic and horrible ending.

I’m... still processing this. I know I’m gonna end up adding to this. Feel free to chime in and discuss it with me! This movie was just Intense. BONUS LINKSPAM: Good Takes And Shit!

https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2474518/jordan-peele-says-midsommar-has-the-most-atrociously-disturbing-imagery-hes-ever-seen

https://themuse.jezebel.com/boy-problems-whos-got-em-midsommar-does-1835878652

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/alisonwillmore/midsommar-ari-aster-florence-pugh

https://www.vulture.com/2019/07/the-end-of-midsommar-ari-asters-last-minutes-explained.html

https://www.npr.org/2019/07/03/738422258/midsommar-shines-a-solstice-nightmare-unfolds-in-broad-daylight

EDIT: Also!!! This film?! Somehow is a comedy! It’s funny as fuck and I’m definitely going to hell for laughing!

#midsommar #horror movies #horror

5 notes · View notes

insideabunker · 6 years

Text

The Games: Chapter 4

Despite Clarke's two prior trips to the winter games, the opening ceremony had lost none of its magic for her. The significance of it all still gave her first day of school butterflies, making her feel six years old again, awestruck and overwhelmed as she drifted through a sea of unfamiliar faces. Red, white and blue-clad bodies shuffled past her, as the sprawling cluster of American athletes followed the Mongolian delegation through the tunnel leading onto the parade grounds of PyeongChang Olympic Stadium. A colorful delegation of Bermudians trailed close behind them as they made their way into the open air of the parade grounds.

From its epicenter, the spectacle radiated with an intoxicating spirit that consumed the senses, filling Clarke with a nervous energy that eclipsed even the nastiness of the chilling wind that had picked up an hour earlier. Exiting the darkened tunnel, she made her way into the multicolored splendor of the stadium; her thoughts immediately drowned out by the deafening roar of 35,000 cheering spectators.

It took a moment for her to process fully. It seemed unbelievable that thousands of people had been willing to brave the sub-zero temperatures just to catch a glimpse of their Olympic champions, but as the enormity of that fact sank in, Clarke felt overwhelmed with a responsibility to them. She forced herself to stare up into the stands, her face straining against the icy sting of the air as she smiled and waved towards the masses of fans.

"It feels like my eyeballs are going to explode," Raven growled through her forced smile. "It's fricking cold!"

"Just keep smiling." Clarke grinned at her assistant captain, her voice just as strained, as she flashed two rows of perfectly straight, snow white teeth. "Millions of people are watching, Rae. Don't spoil it for them."

"You can't be serious?"

"This has got to be a joke."

A chorus of complaints had erupted the second the Canadian athletes had learned their number in the ceremony's progression.

"We're sixty-ninth?"

"Oh g-d, as if these uniforms didn't make us look ridiculous enough." Echo looked dour as she fiddled with her long red parka and knitted cap.

"I don't know," Lexa shrugged, forcing small talk to make nice with her captain. "I mean the jackets aren't great, but some of the other stuff they gave us is ok." She waited for Echo to respond but was met with steely silence. "I mean, I like the flannels."

"Of course you do."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lexa tensed, wondering if she should be offended, and readying herself for an argument.

Echo only rolled her eyes, looking bothered. "I didn't mean it that way," she spat. "I was referring to the fact that someone from the NWO would love that our uniform issue includes a Kenora Dinner Jacket." She turned to Lexa, exasperated with the tall girl behind her. "Obviously. I play women's ice hockey, Woods. You think I'm not used to teammates who enjoy the company of curvy, Swedish blondes with long legs?"

Echo shot her a knowing glance, noting the nervous, slightly guilty look on Lexa's face.

"How do you know about that?"

"You're not exactly discrete. I saw you coming out of that Swede snowboarder's room this morning, half dressed."

Lexa swallowed hard, her cheeks flushing a subtle rosy color. "Coach Freeman... You aren't going to?"

"Rat you out to her and get you kicked off the team?" Echo dipped her head, cocking one eyebrow. "No, not for that. I may not like you, but you're hardly the first player on this team to dip their toes into international waters. Besides, I have my own foreign diplomacy to conduct." Echo shot a glance towards the crowd behind them, piquing Lexa's curiosity.

"What sport's she in, eh?"

Echo rolled her eyes. "Woods, I'm not even a little bi-curious." She stared far back in the procession. "I've got my eyes on that scruffy, freestyle skier from France."

Lexa screwed up her face. "Ugh... Typical Queeb, going for some priggish French ponce."

Echo shoved the girl behind her with an elbow. "Toton."

"Beaver-beater."

"Lumberjack."

"Maudit sans-dessein." Lexa fumbled through the only French Canadian swear she remembered from grammar school.

"It's pronounced dé-sa," Echo growled, drawing out the final A. G-d, your French is shit, Woods."

"I'm from northern Ontario!"

"T'es pas une lumiere! Believe me, it's apparent."

In spite of their bickering, Lexa realized that the argument was probably the longest conversation they'd managed since she'd joined the team. "Well, that's something," she thought to herself, thankful that they hadn't come to blows again.

Consumed as she was by their banter, Lexa lost her situational awareness, snapping out of it only when the world around her erupted into flashing lights and noise. They'd finally reached the inside of the stadium. The freezing night air hit her in the face, and her breath caught. Lexa's eyes strained against the bright lights and icy wind as she stared up at row after row of waving fans, and did her best to wave back.

The wind picked up again, making Lexa's eyes sting and tear. The goalie shielded her brow from the cold, wiping them with the back of a gloved hand and doing her best not to smear the makeup, applied for the sake of the cameras. She checked the back of her mitten for smudges of mascara and, happy to find none, peered into the crowd in front of her. For a split second, the column of bodies parted just enough for a small figure became visible up ahead. Lexa caught a brief glimpse of golden hair and azure eyes before the crowd swelled again, and the American captain disappeared amidst a sea of taller, more substantial bodies.

"I think I saw the Team USA captain up ahead." She turned to Echo, hoping to coax a little more conversation out of her.

"What, Clarke Griffin? I would doubt it unless she's being carried on somebody's shoulders."

Lexa smirked. "Yeah, she was pretty tiny in person."

"You've met?"

"Just the other night, in passing. She seemed..."

"Like an irritating homunculus?" Echo continued to scan the crowd for her Frenchman. "That girl had been a pain in my ass for years." She stared at Lexa for a moment, her expression concerned. "You didn't notice if she was limping, did you?

"I don't think so." The question seemed odd, but Lexa thought it over, none the less. "I mean not that I could tell at least. Why?"

Echo turned back towards the procession, her expression unreadable. "We were playing an exposition game about a year and a half ago. Griffin had been a menace all night, picking up the puck before I could get to it at the point and forcing it back into our zone. She's small, but she lighting fast." She paused. "Well, she was. Anyway..."

Something about the story made Lexa feel immediately uneasy.

"Third period, I finally caught her heading up the boards on a breakout. I was going to try and pick her off, but she veered towards center ice at the last second. My leg was out, and I ended up catching her at the knee."

"You went knee to knee?"

"I told you, she veered at the last second. I was trying to play the body the best I could." Echo bit her lip. "I might have let my leg drift out a bit far to try and knock her stick off the puck..."

She glanced at Lexa for a moment, her expression barely hiding the guilty conscience of someone who knew their actions had been less than defensible.

"But, I didn't intentionally cheap shot her." She grimaced. "Anyway, I felt her leg bend back in the wrong direction, and she flipped, ass over teakettle across my thigh. The second she hit the ice I could tell it was bad. I've never heard someone scream that hard."

Lexa's stomach sank just thinking about it. In hockey, a knee to knee collision often resulted in injuries of the most devastating kind. That exact scenario had ended many a career before its time, and it made the goalie cringe thinking about the tiny blonde girl writhing in pain on the ice.

"MCL sprain?"

Echo shook her head. "ACL. Grade three at that, a complete tear."

"Holy hell."

"Yeah, honestly I'm surprised to see her back on skates at all."

"So, that's why she looked so sluggish in the game footage we watched."

Echo nodded. "To be sure. I genuinely thought she'd retire after that. I mean, she'd been playing for the national team since she was seventeen, so she was already getting up there."

They rounded the corner and slowed to an abrupt halt, nearly crashing into the Kenyan athletes ahead of them.

"That footage was from just after she was cleared to start training again. I hear she's gotten some of her speed back since then, but if you ask me, she shouldn't even be playing."

Lexa's jaw tensed at the utterance, a conviction that her Québécoise teammate seemed to hold frequently. "You seem to think that of a lot of people."

Echo sighed. "I mean because of the risk of re-injury. Not everything is about you, Woods."

With that, Echo pushed forward, disappearing amongst the shuffling mass of red and black jackets.

The ceremony had ended in a spectacle of blaring music and bursting fireworks, that latter of which still rang in Clarke's ears as her feet pounded against the whirring belt of the treadmill. Hours after the lights had dimmed in Olympic stadium she was still wide awake, to filled with excitement, and too unaccustomed to the fifteen-hour time difference to sleep. In her restlessness, Clarke turned to the one standby that faithfully calmed her down when pressure and anticipation turned her into a live wire of nervous energy.

She leaned forward into a sprint, increasing the incline on the Cybex another three degrees and watching as her numbers climbed. Time: 48:36:23, Speed: 9, Incline: 10, Heart Rate: 184. Perspiration poured from her brow, matting stray bits of flyaway hair to her forehead. Clarke's burned, her legs ached, and her heart pounded in her chest as she continued to increase the incline. Up, up, up until her hands flew to the bars to keep herself from flying backward off the machine. Just as she felt her body about give out, she punched the large red button in the center of the display, cutting the power and hopping off in a flash, careful to land with her weight on her good knee.

Fighting the urge to double over and gasp for air, she threw her hands behind her head, lacing the fingers together and forcing herself to continue taking deep, measured breaths as she paced around the room. Clarke closed her eyes and waited for her heart rate to slow, relishing the way her muscles ached and trembled with exhaustion. She wiped the sweat from her temples with the back of her hands realizing how utterly drenched she was.

After a week of buildup to the opening ceremony, fifty minutes of alone time had provided her with some much need respite from the hum of the crowds, the strings of interviews, and the exhaustion of the reassuring pep talks her more novice teammates had needed on a near constant basis. Save for an unseen weightlifter banging heavy metal plates around in another corner of the complex; the nearly empty gym had provided the forward with a silent sanctuary from the turmoil of her otherwise overwhelming week. For Clarke, there was nothing like a long, grueling run to clear her mind and ease her tension, and after an hour of beating herself down, she was finally feeling relaxed and ready to sleep.

Not before a shower though, Clarke thought as the smell of her sweat drenching clothing suddenly filled her nostrils. She peeled off her soaked Under Armour shirt and shivered as the chill of drafty gym air hit her flushed skin, giving her goosebumps. Back inside the women's locker room, she made quick work of discarding her soggy PT gear in her sports duffle, sliding her feet into flip-flops as she wrapped herself in a towel and headed for the open shower bay.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped into the empty shower bay, covered from top to bottom in polished white tiles. Despite a career of dressing and undressing in front of teammates, Clarke had never been entirely comfortable with public nudity, though it wasn't the sight of others naked that unsettled her so much as it was her insecurities about her own body. A lifetime of struggling with her weight, first baby fat and then added curves, had made her shy to the point of timidity. Unlike Raven, who was a walking human hanger and had posed naked for ESPN The Magazine's body issue, Clarke grappled with body confidence. She struggled to dress for the formal events the team attended, balking at the idea of being stuffed into a dress that accentuated her cleavage and hips. Unfailingly, the captain elected for more conservative numbers, downplaying her appearance as much as possible in the hopes that she could fly under the radar and not tempt the press into present her in an overly sexualized light. The tactic had worked for the most part, though comments about her looks did surface, every now and again, internet trolls be damned.

Clarke turned on one of the shower heads lining the wall and let it run until the water turned warm. She discarded her towel on a nearby hook, stepped into the stream and closing her eyes as the warm liquid poured over her aching muscles. The blonde let it pound against her skin, relaxing her even further until finally, her exhaustion caught up with her. She yawned, running a hand through her matted mane as she pulled out the elastic that had pinned it haphazardly to the top of her head. She let it cascade over her face and filled her hand with shampoo, massaging it into her scalp.

The sound of another shower head bursting to life nearby startled Clarke out of her euphoria. She pushed her soapy hair out of her face, freezing the second she saw who occupied the spot two places down. Lexa Woods stood less than ten feet from her, eyes closed, face turned up into the steady stream of water cascading over her body. Clarke's eyes were fixed, unable to look away for the physical specimen beside of her. Even in a parka and jeans Lexa cut an imposing figure, but bare to the world, the goalie was physically alarming.

She was tall to be sure, 5'11 if she was an inch, but what was more startling was the sheer amount of muscle that hung on her frame. Every inch of her was ropey sinewed flesh that, somewhat surprisingly, held a subtle softness to it. Clarke watched as beads of liquid slide down Lexa's olive-skin, slipping over her curves and pooling at every angle on her frame. The water clung to the tawny girl like it was heartbroken at the thought of having to drip off of her.

Clarke ignored the way her pulse quickened, and her breathing slowed, too captivated by the way the impressive musculature moved, stirring underneath a visage adorned with intricate tattoos that shifted as though they were alive. A combination of body writing and black and red abstracts covered half her back, running over her shoulder and snaking down the full length of her left arm. The outside of her right thigh was similarly ornamented. The edges of the artwork wound up her hip and caressed her waist before ending just above her perfectly toned backside, which Clarke realize she was gawking at a moment too late.

"What the fuck?!"

Clarke jumped, so alarmed by the green eyes staring her down that she couldn't reply.

"Were you just staring at my ass?"

"What? No! I mean, yes but..."

"Yes, or no?"

"I was staring at your tattoos."

"The one right over my ass?"

"I wasn't staring at your ass!"

Lexa turned to face the smaller woman, her figure even more flawless from the front. Small but firm breasts sat high on her chest, perfect and round, and the lines on her tight stomach were sculpted into a frustratingly well-defined six-pack.

"You get a good look?"

"I wasn't staring." Clarke felt herself blushing as she turned back into the jet of water pouring over her, and rushed to work the remaining shampoo out of her hair.

Lexa leaned into the tiles, propping herself up on a tattooed forearm. She pushed the brown hair out of her eyes and slicked water from her face.

"You're full of crap, Griffin. Admit it; you were staring at me."

"I wasn't staring!" Clarke venture a quick glance at the goalie, too embarrassed to look for more than a moment. "I wouldn't ogle someone in a public shower. That kind of behavior is abdominal."

Lexa smirked at the Freudian slip, cocking an eyebrow smugly.

"Abominable. Shit!" Clarke screwed her eyes shut, sure that her face was now bright red. "Besides why would I be staring at you."

"For the same reasons lots of girls do," Lexa wiggled her eyebrows, turning back to the water as she lathered herself with soap. "You think you're the first person to stare at me in a shower?"

Clarke growled as she rinsed the last of the soap from her face. "G-d, you're so completely egotistical!" She shut off the water, wrapping herself in her towel as she retreated from the shower bay.

Lexa rinsed off quickly, grabbing her towel as she followed Clarke toward the lockers.

"And you're a hypocrite! You tear into me with some big feminist speech when I try to pay you a compliment, but when I catch you creeping on me, you act all innocent. What garbage!"

"I wasn't staring at you!"

In the middle of the argument, Clarke became aware of how exposed they still were. Her towel clung to her precariously, barely covering her unmentionables, while Lexa's dangled from her hand, unused. She realized she was staring at Lexa's abs again and clenched her teeth, sure that that fact hadn't escaped the brunette's attention.

"Would you put on some clothes, please."

Lexa leaned forward, grinning conceitedly. "You sure that's what you want?"

She cleared her throat, forcing herself to look the girl hovering over her in the eyes. "I'm not interested, Woods."

“In anything other than my ass, you mean?

"I was... I'm not... Your Tat... Ugh!" Clarke grabbed her sports duffle, clinging to the last shred of her dignity as she forwent undergarments and scrambled to pull on her team sweats as quickly as humanly possible. She yanked her socks halfway up, making a slapdash effort to shove her feet into her Adidas.

"I'm not having this argument with you, Woods! I have bed checks to do."

"Sounds good. Mine is in room 704B."

Lexa heard the exasperated groan all the way down the hall as Clarke stomped out of the room, failing to notice that her sneakers were on the wrong feet.

Next Chapter ->

Leave Comments

#The 100 #the 100 fanfiction #clexa #clexa fanfic #clexaau #clexahockeyau #clexahockeyfic #clarke griffin #Lexa Woods

9 notes · View notes

borisbubbles · 6 years

Text

12. DENMARK

Rasmussen - “Higher ground” 9th place

youtube

Ok, so somehow, in a contest with a nautical theme, the one song which *literally* started with the line “Ships in the making, bound for a distant shore” never got to open any of the live shows??? ¿¿Que??

So, Denmark. Quite possible the opposite of my previous entry, yet its greatness is just as challenging to put into words? As much as “Taboo” was a inaccessible conglomeration of every possible fucking staging trick, so simple was “Higher Ground” It is a great song, but I find it hard to explain why. It is just so much fun?

It’s like a chapter of the Edda Saga come to life, with its Old Norse chanting, banner-swaying and feigned-drunken slrrrrring uv wrrrrds creating a truly immersive atmosphere. (I love all things Norse, so I was never NOT going to stan this) I love how one of the backings looks like precisely like Conchita Wurst’s long-lost sister. I dunno, Higher Ground just shines on its own, without the need of convoluted gimmicks (tho still bless Malta’s souls for burying “Taboo” under them for no other reason than it (barely) fitting within their ad-funded budget <3).

So it’s of no surprise that this ended up the Michał of the year, yes?

As you are well aware of, Eurovision is in a continuous process of ‘reinventing itself’, which is code for ‘rejecting its Euroschlager roots in favour of increasedly pallid Ultratop50 knock-offs’, like guuuuurls you can do better than that. Think of an entry in this year that was actually *original*. I come up with... “O Jardim”, “Mercy” and maybe “Hvala, ne!”? Congratz 3/43. This shocking display of self-loathing creates a power vacuum for the few -for some godforsaken reason- critically panned Euroschlager anthems which *do* make it into Eurovision proper. As the only entry in this year (out of 43) which can be described as “classic eurovision schlager”, “Higher Ground was always going to attract a lot of attention. Add in a few clear-as-crystal references to Game of Thrones (Rasmussen is literally Tormund + guyliner and a weave), a ubiquitous Viking tone and just general dramatic badassery, you’ve found yourself an audience’s fave and the bane for any jury chairperson’s existence.

This is the long explanation why “Higher ground” is actually a great entry. It is the only entrant, in a year so widely praised as the “first serious contest in years”, that actually feels traditionally Eurovision. For a brief moment, we are hooked up on pure Classic Eurovision, the term often used to describe the time when “Eurovision Songs Were Still Good”.

And yes, it is highly ironic (and tragic) that the one entry that reminds many of that very murkily defined time period venerated by the critics, is also one that was critically panned by crappy self-important jurors. Would it that jurors had any self-awareness (I’m pretty shocked the EBU were able to find 43 rooms big enough to house the jurors and their egos), but oh well.

I suppose this is where I address the Melofestivalen shit, yes?

So, the jist of it is this: Two Swedes write “Higher Ground” for Melodifestivalen and get brutally rejected by Christer for reasons I can only guess, as HG was far better than anything in Melfest this year.. (Christer = Melfest’s Jeff Probst).

Considering that Denmark has a herstory of recycling past Swedish trends- omg reminder that the 1986 Danish entry was a frame-by-frame carbon copy of the 1985 Swedish entry 😂, please enjoy the pictorial evidence I have provided in support of this statement

ps: I love that the Danish entry was called “You are full of lies” so unselfaware, so meta, so Denmark <3

but I digress. Anyway,

Considering that Denmark has a herstory of recycling past Swedish trends, they of course picked up the "Higher ground”, put it in DMGP, substituted the Swedish singer with a Danish one and voila! The melfest reject wins DMGP with his fingers up the nose, cementing his place amongst the canon as an audience darling, and YES scoring significantly better than Ingrosso in the televote 😍The discrepancy shown by televote wasn’t as hilar as “Colour of your life” rising from last to sixth with one sudden stroke (given that Sweden had a higher combined score than Denmark somehow 🙄) but whatever, the ending was perfect because much like the Edda, this Viking Saga also ended with the evil trickster getting swallowed by the World’s Serpent. Sorry, Christer, should’ve taken the LEEP LAKYU WERBWND; FRR HIYRRRR GRWWWWWWND!!!!!

RANKING SO FAR:

12. Denmark (Rasmussen - “Higher ground”)

13. Malta (Christabelle - “Taboo”)

14. Cyprus (Eleni Foureira - “Fuego”)

15. United Kingdom (SuRie - “Storm”)

16. Serbia (Balkanika - “Nova Deca”)

17. Portugal (Cláudia Pascoal - “O jardim”)

18. The Netherlands (Waylon - “Outlaw in ‘em”)

19. Ukraine (MÉLOVIN - “Under the ladder”)

20. Macedonia (Eye Cue - “Lost and Found”)

21. San Marino (Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”)

22. Sweden (Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”)

23. Austria (Cesár Sampson - “Nobody but you”)

24. Latvia (Laura Rizzotto - “Funny girl”)

25. Azerbaijan (AISEL - “X my heart”)

26. Israel (Netta - “Toy”)

27. Norway (Alexander Rybak - “That’s how you write a song”)

28. Montenegro (Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”)

29. Armenia (Sevak Khanagyan - “Qami”)

30. Poland (Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me up”)

31. Greece (Yianna Terzi - “Oniro mou”)

32. Georgia (Iriao - “For you”)

33. Belgium (Sennek - “A matter of time”)

34. Italy (Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro - “Non mi avete fatto niente)

35. Romania (The Humans - “Goodbye”)

36. Ireland (Ryan O'Shaughnessy - “Together”)

37. Croatia (Franka - “Crazy”)

38. Belarus (ALEKSEEV - “Forever”)

39. Russia (Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”)

40. Spain (Amaia & Alfred - “Tu canción”)

41. Iceland (Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice”)

42. Australia (Jessica Mauboy - “We Got Love”)

43. Czech Republic (Mikolas Josef - “Lie to me”)

FOOTNOTES

1. I couldn’t really fit it into the narrative, but the actual reason why Rasmussen is only 12th and not higher is because I found the act kind of visually underwhelming. (the snow at the end is particularly sad) Like I said, the song is great and I often have it on loop, but the act is a bit too small for a stage that big.

2. That said, “Higher Ground” is by far the song I’ve listened to the most often this season, which bodes well for any future positive morphs when I rewatch this year in the distant future.

3. Rasmussen bombing with the jury probably has more to do with the lack of gimmicks than the genre of the song. Like I said, the song pretty much carries itself, so if you stop to ponder and list all the things great about it, it all boils down to “the song is catchy and fun”, which is not what juries look at (juries love intricate acts, layered complexity and technical finesse, none of which are particular strengths of this entry)

4. Yes, I think it’s MASSIVELY hypocritical to glom onto songs such as “A Matter of time” under the pretence of “It’s a good song” when yeah it was, but everything else was shit and then subsequently ignore “Higher Ground” for being “only a good song”. wtf.

5. While I do enjoy trashing the juries on a regular basis, be aware that during the actual Jury Era of this show, none of the juries were professional. In fact, when I rewatched 1978 and 1985, both times the hosts were ADAMANT to remind the audience that the juries were in fact NOT professionals, but 10 randomly selected civilians (Celeb and non-Celeb) with no direct ties to the music industry whatsoever. This is precisely why entries such as Riva, Bucks Fizz and Toto Cotugno managed to win a ’jury vote’ with a comfortable lead lmfao imagine that happening now. Anyway, the bottom line is that today’s “five professionals” jury system fucking sucks and has to be swallowed by Jörmundgandr also.

6. ’Eurovision used to be good before’ is such a weird statement, yet I hear it all the time in relation to the contest (by people of my age group????) Like... what exact years are you refering to, cuz like... the 2000s were trash and I can’t honestly think of a decade as consistently good as the 2010s lol? We haven’t had a weak year since 2012!! (but of course, most of the people I’ve talked about this in person have, by their own admission, not seen a year since 2010 so how would they know lol)

7. If we assume that 'Eurovision used to be good before’ refers to the time when Eurovision was song-centric, that doesn’t make a lick of sense either? If you’re old enough to remember the late 1960s your taste is probably irreconcilable with mine anyway. And yes, while it took until #London1977 before we finally got a ‘gimmicky’ year, this also made for one of the most watchable, consistently fun contests ever, -even to this day- while “song-centric” years like 74; 75 and 78 are grueling to sit through nowadays unless you have the taste of the average Söngvakeppnin voter. Gimmicks were a part of ESC even during the Chanson Era, as the language barrier was a massive hurdle for any song not sung in French. And true, the “gimmicks” then weren’t more than “performing barefoot” or “having a key change”, but good lord it’s the sixties, flat, boring French Chansons dominated and only because everyone fucking understood French, SO GRASPING AT STRAWS HERE.

8. The funny thing is that Denmark didn’t copy Kikki Danielsson’s evergreen once, but twice. 😂 “Hallo Hallo” (DK1990) was just a repackaged “Du er fuld af løgn“ (DK1986), which as I said, was itself just a slightly different “Bra Vibrationer” (SW1985). It’s seriously some Bra Vibraception shit.

9. I will never stop shitting on Melfest 2018. It was pure Tropical House Torture and yes, Rasmussen > literally everything in that, including the entries I actually like (which were... Jessica Anderson, Ida Redig and... um... Edvard Blom? Rolandz? Margaret? Samir and Viktor???? *gunshot*) 😂/🙄@ rescinding their roots for 2014′s musical fade. Pray that Christer never discovers reggaeton - though who am I kidding, it will dominate ESC selections in 2020, bank on it.

10. Now that I’ve mentioned them, one of “Higher Grounds” songwriters (Niklas Arn) actually was the bass player for Rolandz (who were my second faves in the finale by fucking default). Robbed twice, both in Melfest and outside of it, smfh.

11. Oh and I think “Higher Ground” in the hands of Sweden, absolutely would’ve been guaranteed top five (watch how most of these “professional” jurors suddenly would *like* it because, you know, Melfest Winner) and that’s all the humiliation I need. That said, I doubt “Higher Ground” ever would have actually won Melfest (it has the Heartbreak Hotel “dominates televote, gets screwed over by juries” label stamped all over it) but oh well, that’s just because Melfest SUCKS and the “International Juries” are a fucking farce. So it worked out for the better that “Higher Ground” was in fact not in Melfest, I think.

12. Rasmussen is actually the first Danish ESC contestant since Emmelie de Forest that I’ve liked. Gratz?

#Eurovision 2018 #Eurovision Song Contest #Denmark #Rasmussen #Higher Ground

16 notes · View notes

andrewuttaro · 5 years

Text

New Look Sabres: GM 16 - TBL - Sweden Pt. 1

3-2 Loss to the Lightning

The Tampa Bay Lightning have dominated the Atlantic division in the Eichel Era so far but particularly Buffalo. Since our sweet boy Captain Jack entered the league in 2015-2016 Buffalo has gone 4-10-2 against the Bolts. When Joe Yerdon pointed this out it wasn’t anything about Eichel, it was the recognition of an opportunity this two-game series against the Bolts in Sweden presented: a big stage against a tough opponent to prove this Sabres team is not the same one of old. I’m bias in the matter, I happen to think we are looking at a transformed hockey team in Buffalo, but one or two wins on this international stage might go a long way to prove the point. That point was not proven against hot teams in Washington or New York, but you can’t change the past. To think of this Lightning club as the proverbial goliath of the Cap Era that it probably is maybe the first instinct, but it wasn’t necessarily the current form of the team coming into these games. They were a shade under .500 at 6-5-2 coming into these two games so there is palpable opportunity here to get a few points against a squad that you got to believe will take over the division as the season goes on. Opportunity one missed. But first, let’s talk about what might just be the greatest game against the Lightning the Sabres have ever put together. There are not a lot to choose from with these two sides normally being good at different times and dog walking the other depending on who it is. Let’s go back to February 2008: just far back enough for the Buffaslug but recent enough to be on MSG network. The Sabres are down 2-0 with about 18 minutes left in the third period. Derek Roy scores the Sabres first goal before Tampa seemingly puts the game out of reach at 3-1 with a little over six minutes left. Toni Lydman gets Buffalo to within one before Tomas Vanek, the new sacred cow of the organization after a disastrous off season, sinks the equalizer and sends it to overtime where he taps in his second of the night to win it 4-3. Those of you who submitted your thoughts on the best games between these two teams agreed Vanek was on fire in this game. Alright, back to the present: the Sabres stayed with the Lightning this afternoon but ultimately fall 3-2 in regulation.

Nikita Kucherov and Alex Killorn scored goals in the first period to give Tampa the early 2-0 lead in Stockholm but the story of the first period and probably this whole game was the hit on Vladimir Sobotka. Sobotka had just taken a shot by the blue line and was staring naturally downrange. Nikita Kucherov slows up a little before going table-top-mode into the unsuspecting number 17. Vladdy did what anyone would do in the situation: rollover top to avoid blowing out a knee. He ended up landing headfirst on the ice before getting a little check from Kucherov as a parting gift. There was no call and Sobotka did not return to the ice for the rest of the game. Early reporting tells us he may have tweaked a hip. Even good ole boy Pierre McGuire on the NBCSN broadcast was like “Yeah, that’s no good.” These two games count in the standings, so the league sent over a staff of NHL trained officials and they all very much looked it in this game. Ralph Krueger gave them what for too. He cussed out all three assembled on-ice refs as Sobotka was helped off the ice. The thing that was audible on the broadcast was “Figure it out, you all got eight eyes!” We could talk about how bad officiating was in this game, and it was bad, but that isn’t just us. Officiating has been bad across this league this season and for at least a couple years now. Part of me wants to blame it on the thousand interpretations and minutia of how rules are actually enforced but that would blame it on something other than the ones who deserve it: a league that just doesn’t want to make a tough decision if it doesn’t make them money. If your commissioner is going to extoll the “success” of the new offsides rules staring directly at four blown calls each week then you just got to come to terms with it being junk league. I’ve come to terms with it: it’s a junk league.

I listened to most of this game on the WGR 550 radio side. It was not ideal. Don’t get me wrong, I love Rick Jeanneret and how can you not love 716 Sports Bar, but Rob Ray and RJ sounded like they were calling a backroom poker match in Vegas. You couldn’t hear any game action… which I suppose makes sense since the game was in Sweden and unless a goal is scored all you hear is the dull roar of people talking in a restaurant in the background. If you were there I’m sure it was a fun time, but I think we can utilize RJ’s talent a little bit better than stumbling through a game watching on a bar screen like any filthy peon like myself. The man is a legend, if you’re not going to fly him there give him some respect and have him call the game without the distracting background bar noise. But yes, goals on the radio are actually great, even broadcast live from 716. Rasmus Ristolainen took a shot from the blueline and it ended up in the net. On the radio it sounded like Risto got credit at first, but Sam Reinhart tipped it in to cut the Lightning lead in half. The Sabres had not scored in almost six periods, three buildings and two continents so that was refreshing to hear just to hear. The shooting percentage drop-off team wide has come home to roost. If you’ve been watching this trend unfold you’ve probably been biting your lip like me. I like to think of myself as the go-to Buffalo Sabres optimist, I even said this team is a transformed team earlier in this same postgame reaction but shooting percentage consistency is something good teams figure out. You’re not going to convert every opportunity but as the great one Michael Scott once said: you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Throughout this game Sam Reinhart and Jack Eichel were the offense of this team. Of course our favorite checking line the Roaring Twenties got their chances too but for the most part any recovery of the cratering shooting percentage was going to come from one of those guys. Equal time: Olofsson and Montour looked hot tonight as well.

Entering the third period down 2-1 it was clear we had something of a low-grade goalie duel on our hands. Andrei Vasilevskiy needs no introduction, he’s the last defense of a club that has the firepower to sleepwalk its way to a President’s Trophy; but Linus Ullmark, NATIVE OF LUGNVIK, SWEDEN HIMSELF, was up to the task. He blocked bangers from every star on this Bolts roster and this game was close because these two came to duel! When Yanni Gourde tapped in a rebound 7:45 in the third to put the Bolts up 3-1, Ullmark only let it in because his team was playing U10 lacrosse defense. Before the Pat Maroon assist materialized Henri Jokiharju was the only guy on the puck carrier doing what can best be described as a reverse hip check. It was weird and it was awful timing considering we were starting to see those Third Period Sabres we’ve caught from time to time. Turns out those comeback kids were waiting in the wings; about four minutes later Sam Reinhart struck again. This time hip-checking Henri got an assist and this time it felt deserved after a sequence of events that saw Victor Olofsson laying in the opposition net mere seconds before the shot that would once again bring his team within one. Reinhart’s quick release shot went through the woods, a five hole and in! And so we got a reminder of what this club looks like when they push hard. They weathered a Lightning powerplay that came shortly thereafter, and our very own penalty-drawing machine Jeff Skinner even drew a powerplay to contribute to the cause. Ultimately it came up short and the max number of points the better blue team can take home from Sweden is now two.

The four-game losing streak stings a bit, I’m not going to lie, but at least we’ve gotten the insider reports of Botterill looking to make a trade. Good job, Jason! You’ll get the full A when you actually make a move. Three months of sitting on your hands is what made last season blow up in spectacular fashion, don’t make the same mistake again. Also: the team being in Sweden gives us some prime content from a club loaded in Swedes. Apparently Linus Ullmark knows of a great candy shop in Stockholm. Casey Mittelstadt misses his roommate Rasmus Dahlin a little bit according to an interview. Dahlin, the source of 70% of his Instagram content, is busy with family and… a Swedish girlfriend!? Fun times in Scandinavia, eh? Like, comment and share this blog for more of such fun. Rather, follow me on twitter @UttaroSports. I retweet the bajebus out of that stuff. Let’s hope this fun European trip can produce some points tomorrow! That would make the plane ride home that much better, eh?

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. Pierre McGuire is not a fun guy for color commentary in case you needed a reminder.

#buffalo sabres #hockey #blog #NHL #sweden

0 notes

wishingfornever · 6 years

Text

10/16/17 – No Contact: The Third Wall

This new chapter is twice the length of the old chapter. It’s not even finished. I need to add a beginning to it as well as an end. The end will be easy, I’ll just use the original chapter for that. The beginning… Well, a lot has to happen.

I think I said I hated writing for Atlas but at the same time I love it. My problem is that he’s Scottish and is subject to a lot of slang. It’s not as good as it sounds, trust me. I had Eleanor read through a lot of what I wrote to confirm how Scottish it sounds. It sounded fine by her words. This chapter is… incredibly action pact. The battle just unfolded that way. A lot happened. I’m glad I didn’t have to read the previous chapter to see what happened. This way is far better.

One problem is that now I keep trying to hit tab with these entries. Every paragraph gets hit with a tab. It’s not that great. I’ll get over it. But I got SO much done and I need to get SO much done tomorrow. I’m starting to yawn now. So, I guess I’m running out of second wind. It’s almost 1 in the morning.

I slept better than usual. Of course, it’s currently 6:44. Best case scenario, I slept 6 hours. I could live off this, but more than likely I’ll be taking a nap when I get home. It’s so dark.

When I get back, I’ll definitely take a shower. Get ready for the day and walk over soon. I can’t remember my dream but I think it involved Swedes. So, the chapter weighed heavily on me last night. :3

I’m back. Adela is exhausting because she’s stressing out. Then she was projecting her stress onto me. She had to meet with a coworker earlier than usual today and I guess she doesn’t do mornings well, surprisingly. I know I wouldn’t.

I’m totally fine, mind you. I don’t need more sleep, though I might take a nap for later. More than likely, though, I’ll end up going to bed early today. Finally, I fixed my sleeping schedule the night I have to actually need it. ;)

I’ll leave at about 10. Adela wants me to do something around the house. Just gotta spray the base with an anti-insect blocker or whatever. After that, I’ll start getting ready and will try to head out at 10. I’ll try to leave EXACTLY at 10 so I know for sure what time I’d have to leave in order to get there. Or at least the estimated time. As you can imagine, walking doesn’t get caught up in traffic so even though I have two lights to walk through, it shouldn’t slow me down significantly. I probably won’t rush, either. Just a cool, calm walk. And if I leave at about 10, it should be after the morning rush. Of course, I haven’t considered Houston being the 4th largest city. Considering the brand, it should be pretty busy at all times. I’d be surprised if it weren’t.

My funds are getting pretty low. Well… not low. Like, I pay 65 a week for food basically. 260 a month at that rate. So, to survive a year I need 3120 at least for food. I could survive on less, I’m sure, but this is how much my current calorie intake is. Of course, my cousin will charge me more at the end of the month. That’s how it works. ;)

Working at Texan minimum wage at full time, I’ll make 290 a week. For a month, that’d be 1160. After a full year, that’d be 13,920. Of course, that’s all BEFORE taxes and assuming I’m constantly getting hours and don’t get overtime (which I’ll never get, because low-paying jobs are asses when it comes to overtime). At this rate… I could maybe afford a legitimate editor. Of course, some editors would charge about $4,000 to edit a book of my size (about the size of the first Harry Potter, a bit bigger).

However, there might be a cheaper editor who offers critique as well. Of course, I SHOULD finish a second book at least before I publish the first. So, I might not contact her unless I truly need it. Then again, I’m pretty reckless. We’ll see, of course as my book has a lot of problems. I’m going to use your notes as a jumping point. If I do get this editor, I should make sure it’s my near final draft. Because when I get it back, I’ll have to read through it. It’s imperative that any edits I make after she’s finished are correct and fit the rest. I won’t get a second chance at that point.

Should be fine though. My biggest problem is I switch from past to future, I guess.

Oof. Monkey Rag came on. A lot of things remind me of you here. That song reminds me of you, too. My one problem with that song is halfway through, the lyrics end. Ah, well. I shouldn’t be getting moppy right now. I have a lot to do today and not as much time to do it.

Anyways… when I get back, I want to rant about All Lives Matter on Facebook. Most people who claim All Lives Matter tend to be pro-police. That’s fine, mind you. To each their own. However, the ALM thing began as anti-cop. Weird, I know, but it’ll make sense in that post. It’s currently 9. I’ll get started on my chores.

Later.

Current time 10...06. I missed my mark, but that’s okay. I’ll use a stopwatch on my phone. Not a problem. I’ll have to charge it some, so I’ll leave at 10:30. So long as I’m there by noon, I should be fine because people tend to get off then for lunch. Starbucks doesn’t strike me as a great place for a meal, but people still need coffee.

Ugh… Tried another banana. This one smelled weird. Threw THAT away. Really, HEB? Really? I learned spots on a banana doesn’t mean the inside is bad but THESE MUTHAFUCKAS managed to screw that up. They turn brown from the inside out. Really? I found one that was acceptable, cut out the brown, and ate it. Ah, well. At least I smell nice.

My hair needs to dry. And, to keep the curls from curling, I need to comb it as it dries. Or brush. I have a brush upstairs and a comb on me. Humidity leads to chaos. I’m sure you’re aware of this as your hair is curlier than mine.

Btw, the NationStates thing. I basically set vacation mode on and turned it off at 12. Meaning I get my issues at 12 and 6 on the hour everyday. No longer do I have to check to see where the time is to do my issues. I can just be aware now. I wish there were an option to set it to that time automatically, but whatever. I did it without automatic aid.

Speaking of aid, I did put gel in my hair. Not sure if it’s helping. I hope it is. Judging from my reflection, it seems like it… give it time, though.

Anyways, I checked the nation count in our region. Yeah, ours. I know you left it but it’s still ours. Deal with it.

Not the point.

The point is, I’m the most pacifist nation in the region. My motto is Spanish for “They won’t pass because fuck them; they’re assholes” and my military is second largest in the region (behind a relatively inactive nation who never speaks or interacts with anyone because I’m fairly sure the guy who runs it has MULTIPLE nations).

Oof. It’s 10:20. I have ten minutes. I’m starting to get hit by exhaustion. I could totally nap right now. It’d probably do me some good.

Just did the math for taxes. Seems it wouldn’t matter too much. I’d lose like 2k in taxes but there is this thing called Tax Returns which are great. You’ll never see a poor man charged for tax evasion.

Alright, time to go. Currently have a 30% charge. Should be fine. Later.

Back. Took a little under 15 minutes. I ordered an iced tea (green). It wasn’t that bad. I was so parched. Should have hydrated first. The woman who served me was an older gal but she seemed nice. No supervisors were there, unfortunately. And everyone there was a woman.

I don’t think I’ll get the job.

That’s fine. I’ll wait until Friday and start going out again. This time, I’ll do it by the books and apply all over at once. In the mean time, I’ll post that post.

Hrm… my NationStates issue is off by 40 seconds. Still, that’s really good all things considered. Within a minute of noon, I’ll have an issue. So, it’s still at noon. :D

Current time is 6:15. We just walked Max. Adela is depressed. She says it’s because of what happened with Max at the groomer. I suspect there is more to it than that.

Let me fill you in. Max got so anxious and was so stressed, he wouldn’t let the groomers finished. Max’s body is shaved. His ears are shaved. His head? The back of his head? Every part of his head except his ears and front of his neck? Unshaven. He looks… ridiculous.

That said, I was certain Adela’s work was getting to her but looking into further proved fruitless. I’ll be doing the dishes tonight. A never ending story… for dishes. Whatever. Adela asked me to do them and to be fair, we only have so many pans for eggs. Guess what I’ve been eating a lot of.

Speaking of which, I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Not sure if I’ll write more on the chapter. I’ll just take it easy tonight. Tomorrow, I have some things to do. I’ll be sure to finish my chapter, though.

Right now, I’m listening to this dude who supposedly destroyed Eminem. That title was brought about by Republicans, so of course they’d say he was destroyed by this guy. The page is on Facebook, called “The Red Elephants.” Bullshit name, whatever. Their twitter handle is “TheRealRedElephants.” They sell a shirt for $26 that says, ��Fuck Antifa” with brass knuckles on it. They wouldn’t happen to have a shirt that says, “Fuck Nazis” would they?

Of course not. They say both sides are to blame yet only attack one side.

I commented on that shirt saying, “Golly gosh, that sure is cool! You guys going to release a shirt that says, ‘Fuck Nazis’ on it? :D” This is a loaded question. I’m not sure if I discussed what a loaded question is to you while I was teaching you about politics.

A loaded question is a question where every answer is bad. They get asked A LOT to make someone look bad. An example of a loaded question is “Have you stopped beating your wife?” If you say no because you don’t beat your wife, that’s bad because it implies you still beat your wife. If you say yes because sarcasm even, that means you beat your wife and they will quote you and not even suggest you were using a sarcastic tone. If you say, “I’ve never beat my wife” then they’ll brand you as a liar because you had to defend yourself from that bullshit.

My question is loaded because it relies heavily on the context. If they tell me, “No” then they’ll imply that conservatives are Nazis. If they say “Yes” then I’ll ask why it wasn’t released with the shirt in the first place and turn it into a cluster fuck.

Not that it’ll matter, mind you. They’ll probably just panic-ban me. Where they panic and then ban me. In case you didn’t know.

Reminds me of that one Christian Warrior page who banned me because I said Aztecs were cool and they are. They banned me and said I’m dumb and my parents are probably dumb. Probably. I took a screen shot. Like, really… why do they get offended so easily? I wasn’t even TRYING to offend them.

Oh, mind you. They were talking about how Columbus Day was getting replaced by indigenous people’s day and how we’d start sacrificing people to the sun. I pointed out how there were no Aztecs in the United States. That’s probably the real reason why because I followed that up with Aztecs are cool.

Some people are rude. I tried calling them out but my friends who actually liked the page didn’t tag them for me. Scoundrels!

Daniel and I are chatting. Told him about Starbucks. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if you tried getting with him for a night or something. Honestly, I wouldn’t care. Not that I’d give Daniel permission to sleep with my girlfriend but you’re not my girlfriend and he didn’t try to end my relationship. Nor did he start spreading rumors and started telling people falsehoods and flat out lying.

If we don’t get together but you and Daniel have a thing going, good for you guys. He has a great work ethic and a sensitive heart. Of course, his relationship with Canelo is conflicted… obviously… but I think it’s because of his time with juvy. Not sure how to spell the slang.

Anyways, the Red Elephants are really into conspiracy theories. Like… really. Misleading, misinformation, partial truths. Yeah, these guys are totally pushing an agenda. Typical propaganda. I know because I used to write that shit. Of course, I was generally more honest. I tend to focus on building up the people before letting loose political theories. Turns out, people like to be flattered before they rise up.

Look at Obama. “Yes we can!” Because you’re a part of something and YOU can do it! You can do it with us! We can do ANYTHING!!!

Mind you, I’m not fond of Obama or Trump. In a two party system, you’ll find that it’s great for staying unbiased. Someone says, “If Obama did this, you’d support it!” you’d say, “No, I wouldn’t.” It deflates their argument real quick and helps for keeping the debate rational or for skipping straight to ad hominem. One problem, however, is that the people you sling mud with tend to switch sides every 4 or 8 years.

I used to shit on Obama with Conservatives. For different reasons, of course. I didn’t like how he liked to drone strike children and they didn’t like that he was black and on the other team. Now I shit on Trump with Liberals. For different reasons, of course.

I’m reminded that I might be posting this on Tumblr. One of my least favorite things about Tumblr are the people who claim to be Communist without really knowing what it entails. Like, to them? Marxism is a trend. Kind of disappointing. I’m sure if this ever goes on Tumblr (which might happen considering it’d be what I’d do in the event of you telling me no) people would just consistently shit on my for everything. -,-

Ah, well. I’ll try to get that thought out of my mind. Brb, food

Had a salad. Was far better than the one from yesterday. Used honey mustard and avocado. Nothing else. Super simple. The salad itself was quite simple too. For some reason, it was fresher than the one from yesterday. I wonder if they have dates on them.

To be fair, salads can be kind of fattening due to all the added bullshit. I don’t think yesterdays was fattening. Maybe a little because of the cottage cheese. Can’t imagine that’d be healthy. But, of course, it was a shitty salad. You’d think they’d make a salad out of something that isn’t lettuce. It’d be healthier. And lettuce just… is boring.

I miss you. I’m missing you. I regret what happened between us. I wish we could just… talk. Not about us, just talk. I want to hear your opinion, even if I don’t care for the subject. You don’t know how this situation has made me feel. I guess I don’t know how it’s made you feel, either.

Anyways, since I went vegetarian I noticed my poop has been super green. It’s a good thing. :D

Yeah, I know. I can’t get too serious. Except I was sort of serious. With both. My poop has been super green. But still, I’m missing you right now. I don’t know why. Just… with Adela and Max, I feel like you could really help out and they’d appreciate it. I know Max would. He loved you.

I feel… terrible. I can’t help but think of you. Something is going on. I feel like I’m reliving our entire relationship in a single second every second. A lot on my mind.

Oh… would you look at that? They added two stages to the five stages of grief. Placing a lot of faith in older psychological models tends to lead to failure. These stages often have their own twists and biases, leading to heavy criticism and debate. Maybe… all this. All I’ve done was just bargaining. Assuming the model is true. I’m not sure I’ve accepted everything, but I’ve felt the depression. I tried moving on. Perhaps the journal isn’t helping. Perhaps I can’t move on while I’m still writing in this dumb little word document.

It’s helped me though. It gives me a chance to talk about how I feel, though I think I’ve just been using it for food updates lately. I can work on expressing my own feelings. So what if I haven’t accepted the end? It’s wrong of me to try to force emotions. I’m not going to fake how I feel just to satisfy you or anyone else. Especially not myself.

I love you, Esther. I really do. I sincerely doubt we’ll ever get back together, but I hope we do.

That said… I intend to delete the letter I wrote you. That was early on. Before I even began this journal. That contract? Delete that two. Why bother with it? You’re not coming back and that sucks. Right now, it’s just a waste of memory. And if you DO come back? Well, I wouldn’t agree to it.

The thing is, I’ve learned to respect myself a bit more. I’m not going to give you everything just because you say, “I want it” if it’ll hurt our relationship. So, if we got back together? The contract would favor me more. You said it yourself. The contract I wrote was hard on me.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll break up with me again when you discover the contract is no longer valid and you won’t get half the things I would have agreed to. You had your chance to exploit me but you didn’t. If you manage to overcome your distaste for me and we begin to talk more and somehow decide to give it a second chance but you ask for the contact I’d written a month or two ago and hear no, maybe you’ll be fine with it. Maybe you’ll be willing to give it a chance despite no guarantees.

Ugh… if this is on Tumblr, I’ll have to explain the contract. Gross. If I don’t, people will think we had a financial agreement or something. I’d rather not right now. If this is on Tumblr and someone who isn’t Esther is reading this, then know that the contract wasn’t good or bad. It was fun and more an educational tool to get Esther to read the fine print and notice specific wording and shady legal practices. The contract I wrote was something that’d ensure the integrity of our relationship in the event that we got back together. It was mostly to show I had yielded and I’d do anything to get her back, regardless of my personal feelings.

I disregarded myself. It was easy to. Easier then, at least. Now? I may be moody now, but I feel more confident (on average, at least). I’ll overcome this feeling and get back on my feet.

One of Esther’s problems was that I was always on my computer. Admittedly, it wasn’t only when I was miserable. I was on it a lot and I neglected her. That’s one of the things I regret, not only because Dennis filled her head with the idea that I HATED her as well as himself and Daniel but because it was wrong of me to do. Shitty move on my part.

I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I should have been. Esther deserves the world. She’s such a sweet, caring soul. But now… I know better.

I wanted to prove to her when she moved out that I would change. I uninstalled ALL my games. All of them except for Town of Salem. It was more symbolic than anything else. I offered to destroy my computer later on if that’d make her happy but that just annoyed her. At that point, I was very low. Not as confident.

Now, I wouldn’t make that offer. If I ever write a book, then I’ll need the computer for writing. I could potentially make money off through this old laptop. However, I’d uninstall ALL my games again. It really doesn’t matter to me. They’re material goods and bring me only amusement but not happiness. With the exception of rewriting the naval battle in my book, I haven’t played very many games as of late anyways. I guess since I stopped talking to Esther and started talking to… future Tumblr, I guess? Whatever. Since I started talking to future Tumblr, let me confirm this now.

The Naval Battle in my book is from Napoleon Total War. It was unscripted, a match between five people with myself being among them. If my book takes off, maybe I’ll show the battle sometime. But, that’s not very likely. I know my odds and they’re stacked against me.

Then again, I had a one in 400 trillion chance in being born. Not sure how accurate that estimate is but if there is any truth to it, then I’ve already finished the hard part. ;)

Honestly, my chances are pretty good all things considered. If I need a source, my existence is proof enough.

Back to you, Esther. You’re beautiful. I just wish you could see me now. You’ll see the difference. You’ll see how I changed and how I’ve rebuilt myself. I still get the odd fit of depression, but it doesn’t linger. I don’t hurt anymore.

Anyways, it’s almost 10 and I promised Adela I’d do the dishes. I love you, Esther. I hope you’re safe.

Esther!!! I discovered something called a poet’s collar. It’s longer, pointed collar. Like a regular shirt collar… but longer. That’s it. The keyword is “poet” though. It’s perfect! I have some ideas for it and I’m super stoked. I know just the shirt that’d work with it but it’s in California.

DAMMIT!!!

#breakup #slice of life #frustration #depression #getting over it #moving on #journal #a year ago today

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Traveling Jagrs, Mythical 1917, and Nutso Billy Smith

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: This KHL player – This is technically from last week, but qualifies for this week's list due to the time zone difference.

The second star: The Travelling Jagrs add a member –

You've seen these guys before. They're a roving pack of Jagr impersonators who represent every one of the star's many stops around the hockey world. Now that he's in Calgary they need a new member, and the auditions seem to be going well.

The first star: Nathan Walker's butt makes history– He's the first Australian to ever play in the NHL, which earned him a call from the prime minister, during which he awkwardly had to talk about his own butt until the PM said "Well that's fantastic."

Bonus points to the Australian ambassador to the U.S., who shows up as a supporting character in this story and somehow has this actual name.

Be It Resolved

The first week of the season featured plenty of impressive performances, some of which even closed in on all-time records. In fact, you probably got pretty used to seeing stats like this:

Or this:

And eventually, you probably stopped and went: Wait, what the heck was going on back in 1917?

You wouldn't be alone. The NHL has this weird thing about its history. The league has been around for 100 years, as they're constantly reminding us this season. But for the most part, they tend to ignore the first quarter-century or so and just skip right to the Original Six era starting in the 1940s. Plenty of casual fans have no idea that there were once teams like the Pittsburgh Pirates and St. Louis Eagles and Hamilton Tigers, and unless you're Dick Beddoes you don't know about Joe Malone and other stars of those early years. To hear the league tell it, history basically begins when Gordie Howe and Maurice Richard showed up, and everything before that was some sort of warmup.

And then we see all these stats show up this week, and you think "Gee, the 1917 version of the NHL sounds fun as hell."

I think the league should embrace this. Ideally, they'd do that by marketing their entire history, not just three-quarters of it, but that ship has sailed. The league has spent decades making it clear that they don't want to do that, so I'm not going to bang my head against a wall.

No, I think the league should go in the other direction. So be it resolved, the NHL needs to start making stuff up about the 1917-18 season.

It's a perfect opportunity. Nobody knows anything about what was going on back then anyway, so you may as well have fun with it. The NHL should just start dropping random "facts" about their inaugural season and see how long it takes everyone else to catch on. Stuff like:

In 1917, it was a minor penalty for a goaltender to let his skates touch the ice.

There were five pucks on the ice at all times, but you could only score with the one that had bees inside it.

Player awarded an automatic penalty shot any time an opposing goaltender made a save.

The league only started with only four teams, but quickly dropped to three because one of the arenas burned down. (Wait, that one is actually true.)

Goalies wore full face masks, but they were made out balsa wood and didn't have eyeholes.

Jaromir Jagr won rookie of the year.

Literally everyone involved was drunk at all times. (Also probably true.)

Have some fun with it, NHL. You've never told us anything about that first season before, so you've got a blank canvas to work with. Don't let it go to waste.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

While Walker is the first Australian-trained player in league history, he was born in the UK, meaning there has still yet to be an Australian-born NHLer. According to the hockey-reference.com database of player birthplaces, that leaves 16 countries that have produced one and only one NHL player. That includes this week's obscure player: Willi Plett.

Plett was born in Paraguay to Soviet parents but raised in Ontario, where he didn't start playing organized hockey until he was nearly in his teens. He was a big kid who could also play, and he was picked in the fifth round of the 1975 draft by the Atlanta Flames. He debuted that year, playing four games, then scored 33 goals as a rookie in 1976-77 to win the Calder. He'd top that with 38 goals in the team's first year in Calgary in 1980-81, a season that saw him become the first player to ever have that many goals and at least 230 PIM. (He's since been joined in that club by eight other players.)

He was traded to the North Stars in 1982 because in those days, everyone who could fight had to serve some time in the Norris Division. He played five years in Minnesota, then ended his career with a season in Boston after they nabbed him from the Rangers in the waiver draft.

Overall, Plett was a skilled tough guy, or maybe a tough skill guy depending on how you wanted to look at it. He crossed the line once or twice, including a nasty stick-swinging incident with Wings' goalie Greg Stefan that earned him a big suspension, but he was generally considered a respected enforcer in an era packed with them. He finished with 834 games, 222 goals and 2,572 PIM, one of only six players to record 200+ goals and 2,500+ PIM.

(And yes, his name was "Willi", not Willie or Willy. It's an Eastern European thing. What, you want to tell this guy that he spells his name wrong?)

The NHL Actually Got Something Right

Given what happen in Las Vegas two weeks ago, it felt like there was really no right way for the Golden Knights to handle their home opener on Tuesday. A big splashy ceremony would have felt inappropriate, obviously. But at the same time, it's the first home game in franchise history; you can't treat it like any other game, because there haven't been any others. The team was left to walk what seemed like a near-impossible line.

And they basically nailed it. On Tuesday, they managed to be respectful without being maudlin. They found a way to say what needed to be said without making it all about them, and hit the right notes in the process.

Does that fix anything? Not even close, as others have argued. But we knew they weren't going to be able to do that. So they did what they could.

When these things are done well, they always seem easy in hindsight. But this couldn't have been. As Elliotte Friedman pointed out, the Knights no doubt spent weeks preparing a big show designed to make an impression on their new home. It's almost a tradition that new teams have to do something embarrassingly over-the-top to mark their first game, as Grab Bag readers already know all about. Instead, the Knights had to scrap all that (including a mascot unveiling) for something more fitting.

And it worked. Full credit to the team and league for making it happen. And if they want to loosen up a bit and have some fun at tonight's second game, that's cool too. Things won't ever go back to normal in Las Vegas, but they'll inch their way in that direction, and the NHL can be a small part of that.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Today is Friday the 13th, which conjures images of a madman in a goalie mask hacking and slashing innocent people to pieces. Or, as NHL fans of the 1980s called it, Billy Smith.

Yes, it's our old pal Smith, the craziest goaltender to ever strap on the pads. When he wasn't winning four straight Stanley Cups, he was blazing a trail that would be followed by guys like Ron Hextall, Patrick Roy, Ray Emery, and others. He was nuts.

How nuts? Well, today's video features a selection of suspension-worthy stick fouls involving Smith and just one of the NHL's other 20 teams from a single playoff series. It's still five minutes long. You do the math.

Our clip begins with Game One of the 1983 final between Smith's Islanders and the Edmonton Oilers. We're midway through the first period, with the Islanders leading 1-0, and the Oilers have the puck deep in the New York zone. Glenn Anderson circles the net on a wraparound, then mysteriously falls over for no reason. Huh. Might want to see a replay on that one.

On a second look, we get a clear view of Smith executing a one-handed slash to Anderson's knee. Let's just point out two things. First, that play is dangerous and downright dirty, and should absolutely be a penalty if not an outright suspension. Second…I mean, that's a pretty cool move, right? Think of the combination of timing, hand-eye coordination and arm strength you need to pull that off and score a direct hit. I bet he couldn't do that again if he tried!

We skip ahead to late in game two, as Wayne Gretzky sets up behind the net. We used to call that Gretzky's "office," because it was where he did his best work. Unfortunately, he then skates out to the side of the net, which is Billy Smith's office, in the sense that it's where he performs amputations.

Yes, Smith manages to pull off the exact same move again, hacking Gretzky on the knee. That leads to a stare down, followed by a scrum. I can't tell who every player on the ice is, but the Oilers have Gretzky, Anderson and Jari Kurri, while the Islanders have a Sutter. So, advantage New York.

The announcer, longtime Islanders homer Jiggs McDonald, is great here. "Smith with a swing at the puck, and Gretzky has gone down like he was shot." Those 1980s pucks sure were tricky, always disguising themselves as the MVP's kneecap.

"You have to remember back to the time when Billy Smith… did it to Anderson." Ah, yes, back to those distant and hazy times of literally 48 hours ago. We were all so young then.

"He didn't hit Anderson obviously that bad." These announcers are great. "They're acting like a bunch of little kids now." Seriously, so great.

Hey, can we just point that legendary linesman Swede Knox is looking sharp out there? Not a hair out of place.

Meanwhile, a policeman who weighs 120 pounds and is clearly packing a loaded gun just casually climbs over the glass behind the bench to settle some fans down. He's never seen again. My guess is he's still there.

Gretzky is furious, getting in the face of referee Wally Harris to plead his case. I can't read his lips, but I'm pretty sure he's explaining that dangerous stick-related fouls need to be called consistently, even when they're committed by star players late in crucial playoff games.

Smith does indeed get five minutes, which needless to say outrages our neutral announcers. "Look how low the stick is!" If I'm ever charged with a violent crime, I want these two to be my defense lawyers.

We cut to the end of the game, as Edmonton's turns the tables by spearing Smith, causing the goalie to execute a full backflip in his crease while shedding all his equipment, Beetle Bailey-style. You'd think this would make the Islanders angry, but Dave Semenko is standing nearby so everyone just pretends they didn't notice.

For the record, the NHL responded to all this by being furious at…the Oilers. For complaining too much about the Anderson slash. As league VP Brian O'Neill put it, "[Oilers coach Glen] Sather has created a situation where Billy Smith is a monster. Billy Smith has had his problems, but he's made an effort to tone it down." Seriously, right? He's slashing guys in the knee now instead of directly in the eye. If he tones it down any further he'll be hacking ankles, and at that point why even bother?

We skip ahead to later in the series, as Anderson gets his payback by blatantly running Smith on a loose puck. That leads to Smith dramatically dragging himself back towards his crease like a wounded Terminator before making a miraculous recovery once he realizes there's no penalty being called.

Our last moment comes from the final game of the series, as Smith nudges Anderson and gets rewarded with a swat to the head that once again causes him to temporarily die. Smith basically admitted to taking a dive after the game, telling reporters ''I was hurt about as much as Gretzky was hurt in the second game…when I hit Gretzky he lay down and he cried to the referee, so I just took a chapter out of his book. I put myself on my back, and I squirmed and kicked and I played dead just like he did."

I mean, can you imagine someone dropping that quote today? We'd all lose our minds for a week. Back then, everyone shrugged and went "Yeah, seems reasonable".

By the way, the Islanders won the series in four games, and Smith got the Conn Smythe. I think he won this round, you guys.

[Turns earnestly towards camera.] If you'd like to learn more about Billy Smith losing his mind, please enjoy clips of him getting into it with Scott Stevens, fracturing Curt Fraser's cheekbone, and fighting everyone from Tiger Williams to Eddie Johnstone to Lanny McDonald.

Smith was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1993, the only goalie to make it in that decade. HHOF officials could not be reached for comment, as they were all suffering from mysterious knee injuries.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Traveling Jagrs, Mythical 1917, and Nutso Billy Smith published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

amtushinfosolutionspage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Traveling Jagrs, Mythical 1917, and Nutso Billy Smith

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: This KHL player – This is technically from last week, but qualifies for this week’s list due to the time zone difference.

The second star: The Travelling Jagrs add a member –

You’ve seen these guys before. They’re a roving pack of Jagr impersonators who represent every one of the star’s many stops around the hockey world. Now that he’s in Calgary they need a new member, and the auditions seem to be going well.

The first star: Nathan Walker’s butt makes history– He’s the first Australian to ever play in the NHL, which earned him a call from the prime minister, during which he awkwardly had to talk about his own butt until the PM said “Well that’s fantastic.”

Bonus points to the Australian ambassador to the U.S., who shows up as a supporting character in this story and somehow has this actual name.

Be It Resolved

The first week of the season featured plenty of impressive performances, some of which even closed in on all-time records. In fact, you probably got pretty used to seeing stats like this:

Or this:

And eventually, you probably stopped and went: Wait, what the heck was going on back in 1917?

You wouldn’t be alone. The NHL has this weird thing about its history. The league has been around for 100 years, as they’re constantly reminding us this season. But for the most part, they tend to ignore the first quarter-century or so and just skip right to the Original Six era starting in the 1940s. Plenty of casual fans have no idea that there were once teams like the Pittsburgh Pirates and St. Louis Eagles and Hamilton Tigers, and unless you’re Dick Beddoes you don’t know about Joe Malone and other stars of those early years. To hear the league tell it, history basically begins when Gordie Howe and Maurice Richard showed up, and everything before that was some sort of warmup.

And then we see all these stats show up this week, and you think “Gee, the 1917 version of the NHL sounds fun as hell.”

I think the league should embrace this. Ideally, they’d do that by marketing their entire history, not just three-quarters of it, but that ship has sailed. The league has spent decades making it clear that they don’t want to do that, so I’m not going to bang my head against a wall.

No, I think the league should go in the other direction. So be it resolved, the NHL needs to start making stuff up about the 1917-18 season.

It’s a perfect opportunity. Nobody knows anything about what was going on back then anyway, so you may as well have fun with it. The NHL should just start dropping random “facts” about their inaugural season and see how long it takes everyone else to catch on. Stuff like:

In 1917, it was a minor penalty for a goaltender to let his skates touch the ice.

There were five pucks on the ice at all times, but you could only score with the one that had bees inside it.

Player awarded an automatic penalty shot any time an opposing goaltender made a save.

The league only started with only four teams, but quickly dropped to three because one of the arenas burned down. (Wait, that one is actually true.)

Goalies wore full face masks, but they were made out balsa wood and didn’t have eyeholes.

Jaromir Jagr won rookie of the year.

Literally everyone involved was drunk at all times. (Also probably true.)

Have some fun with it, NHL. You’ve never told us anything about that first season before, so you’ve got a blank canvas to work with. Don’t let it go to waste.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Plett was born in Paraguay to Soviet parents but raised in Ontario, where he didn’t start playing organized hockey until he was nearly in his teens. He was a big kid who could also play, and he was picked in the fifth round of the 1975 draft by the Atlanta Flames. He debuted that year, playing four games, then scored 33 goals as a rookie in 1976-77 to win the Calder. He’d top that with 38 goals in the team’s first year in Calgary in 1980-81, a season that saw him become the first player to ever have that many goals and at least 230 PIM. (He’s since been joined in that club by eight other players.)

Overall, Plett was a skilled tough guy, or maybe a tough skill guy depending on how you wanted to look at it. He crossed the line once or twice, including a nasty stick-swinging incident with Wings’ goalie Greg Stefan that earned him a big suspension, but he was generally considered a respected enforcer in an era packed with them. He finished with 834 games, 222 goals and 2,572 PIM, one of only six players to record 200+ goals and 2,500+ PIM.

(And yes, his name was “Willi”, not Willie or Willy. It’s an Eastern European thing. What, you want to tell this guy that he spells his name wrong?)

The NHL Actually Got Something Right

Given what happen in Las Vegas two weeks ago, it felt like there was really no right way for the Golden Knights to handle their home opener on Tuesday. A big splashy ceremony would have felt inappropriate, obviously. But at the same time, it’s the first home game in franchise history; you can’t treat it like any other game, because there haven’t been any others. The team was left to walk what seemed like a near-impossible line.

Does that fix anything? Not even close, as others have argued. But we knew they weren’t going to be able to do that. So they did what they could.

When these things are done well, they always seem easy in hindsight. But this couldn’t have been. As Elliotte Friedman pointed out, the Knights no doubt spent weeks preparing a big show designed to make an impression on their new home. It’s almost a tradition that new teams have to do something embarrassingly over-the-top to mark their first game, as Grab Bag readers already know all about. Instead, the Knights had to scrap all that (including a mascot unveiling) for something more fitting.

And it worked. Full credit to the team and league for making it happen. And if they want to loosen up a bit and have some fun at tonight’s second game, that’s cool too. Things won’t ever go back to normal in Las Vegas, but they’ll inch their way in that direction, and the NHL can be a small part of that.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Today is Friday the 13th, which conjures images of a madman in a goalie mask hacking and slashing innocent people to pieces. Or, as NHL fans of the 1980s called it, Billy Smith.

Yes, it’s our old pal Smith, the craziest goaltender to ever strap on the pads. When he wasn’t winning four straight Stanley Cups, he was blazing a trail that would be followed by guys like Ron Hextall, Patrick Roy, Ray Emery, and others. He was nuts.

How nuts? Well, today’s video features a selection of suspension-worthy stick fouls involving Smith and just one of the NHL’s other 20 teams from a single playoff series. It’s still five minutes long. You do the math.

Our clip begins with Game One of the 1983 final between Smith’s Islanders and the Edmonton Oilers. We’re midway through the first period, with the Islanders leading 1-0, and the Oilers have the puck deep in the New York zone. Glenn Anderson circles the net on a wraparound, then mysteriously falls over for no reason. Huh. Might want to see a replay on that one.

On a second look, we get a clear view of Smith executing a one-handed slash to Anderson’s knee. Let’s just point out two things. First, that play is dangerous and downright dirty, and should absolutely be a penalty if not an outright suspension. Second…I mean, that’s a pretty cool move, right? Think of the combination of timing, hand-eye coordination and arm strength you need to pull that off and score a direct hit. I bet he couldn’t do that again if he tried!

We skip ahead to late in game two, as Wayne Gretzky sets up behind the net. We used to call that Gretzky’s “office,” because it was where he did his best work. Unfortunately, he then skates out to the side of the net, which is Billy Smith’s office, in the sense that it’s where he performs amputations.

Yes, Smith manages to pull off the exact same move again, hacking Gretzky on the knee. That leads to a stare down, followed by a scrum. I can’t tell who every player on the ice is, but the Oilers have Gretzky, Anderson and Jari Kurri, while the Islanders have a Sutter. So, advantage New York.

The announcer, longtime Islanders homer Jiggs McDonald, is great here. “Smith with a swing at the puck, and Gretzky has gone down like he was shot.” Those 1980s pucks sure were tricky, always disguising themselves as the MVP’s kneecap.

“You have to remember back to the time when Billy Smith… did it to Anderson.” Ah, yes, back to those distant and hazy times of literally 48 hours ago. We were all so young then.

“He didn’t hit Anderson obviously that bad.” These announcers are great. “They’re acting like a bunch of little kids now.” Seriously, so great.

Hey, can we just point that legendary linesman Swede Knox is looking sharp out there? Not a hair out of place.

Meanwhile, a policeman who weighs 120 pounds and is clearly packing a loaded gun just casually climbs over the glass behind the bench to settle some fans down. He’s never seen again. My guess is he’s still there.

Gretzky is furious, getting in the face of referee Wally Harris to plead his case. I can’t read his lips, but I’m pretty sure he’s explaining that dangerous stick-related fouls need to be called consistently, even when they’re committed by star players late in crucial playoff games.

Smith does indeed get five minutes, which needless to say outrages our neutral announcers. “Look how low the stick is!” If I’m ever charged with a violent crime, I want these two to be my defense lawyers.

We cut to the end of the game, as Edmonton’s turns the tables by spearing Smith, causing the goalie to execute a full backflip in his crease while shedding all his equipment, Beetle Bailey-style. You’d think this would make the Islanders angry, but Dave Semenko is standing nearby so everyone just pretends they didn’t notice.

For the record, the NHL responded to all this by being furious at…the Oilers. For complaining too much about the Anderson slash. As league VP Brian O’Neill put it, “[Oilers coach Glen] Sather has created a situation where Billy Smith is a monster. Billy Smith has had his problems, but he’s made an effort to tone it down.” Seriously, right? He’s slashing guys in the knee now instead of directly in the eye. If he tones it down any further he’ll be hacking ankles, and at that point why even bother?

Our last moment comes from the final game of the series, as Smith nudges Anderson and gets rewarded with a swat to the head that once again causes him to temporarily die. Smith basically admitted to taking a dive after the game, telling reporters ”I was hurt about as much as Gretzky was hurt in the second game…when I hit Gretzky he lay down and he cried to the referee, so I just took a chapter out of his book. I put myself on my back, and I squirmed and kicked and I played dead just like he did.”

I mean, can you imagine someone dropping that quote today? We’d all lose our minds for a week. Back then, everyone shrugged and went “Yeah, seems reasonable”.

By the way, the Islanders won the series in four games, and Smith got the Conn Smythe. I think he won this round, you guys.

[Turns earnestly towards camera.] If you’d like to learn more about Billy Smith losing his mind, please enjoy clips of him getting into it with Scott Stevens, fracturing Curt Fraser’s cheekbone, and fighting everyone from Tiger Williams to Eddie Johnstone to Lanny McDonald.

Smith was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1993, the only goalie to make it in that decade. HHOF officials could not be reached for comment, as they were all suffering from mysterious knee injuries.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Traveling Jagrs, Mythical 1917, and Nutso Billy Smith syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

0 notes

learnspanishfans · 7 years

Text

10 Good Reasons to Learn Spanish

Want to learn Spanish? You're in good company. By one estimate, nearly 100 million people worldwide speak some level of Spanish as a second language, and that number is growing fast. Spanish is the language that got me started on this whole language-learning adventure over a decade ago, so it's definitely a language that has had an enormous impact on my life! With so many possible languages you could learn, why learn Spanish? Here are some ideas that I hope will appeal, whether you're a seasoned polyglot looking to add another notch to your belt or a language newbie thinking about dipping your toes in the agua:

1. Become More Expressive

Does this make any sense to you:

Spanish is eaten bread! But sometimes when I'm talking to someone who doesn't have any hairs on their tongue, I wonder if they're just playing the Swede. Maybe they have more wool than a lamb and feel like throwing the house through the window, but maybe they're just being like a goat and pulling my hair.

That probably looked like nonsense! But if you learn a bit of Spanish you'll see that these are just a few of that language's many colourful idioms which aren’t directly translated into English. There are countless other examples, and as you learn them you'll find all kinds of interesting new phrases and perspectives that you'll wish you could also use in English... if only English speakers would understand them. So unless you have "bad milk" (mala leche) or a "mood of dogs" (humor de perros), if you learn Spanish you definitely won't be "throwing water into the sea" (echar agua al mar). ;)

2. Join a HUGE Family

How big is your family? What if I told you that you actually have millions of nephews? Or at least if you spend time in Spain you might feel that way, since people will keep calling you tía or tío, which literally mean "aunt" and "uncle". These words are commonly used in Spain as a term of endearment and a greeting, like "dude/chick" or (for the Brits and Aussies) "mate". Practically every Spanish-speaking country has its own version (or versions) of tío, like the Colombian guevón, the Mexican vato or morro, the Chilean weón and more. As they say in Spanish, ¡qué rico! - how rich! With some Spanish under your belt you'll never run out of fun ways to address people. Just be careful with the word marica, which in some places (such as Venezuela) can mean "dude", but in other places is a derogatory term for a gay person. Talking of a big family...

3. Have Double the Fun

By number of native speakers (there's over 400 million of them), Spanish is the second most commonly spoken language in the world, as well the official language of 21 countries. That's about 5% of the world's population and 10% of its countries currently not truly accessible to you if you haven’t learned the language yet! I've been to a few of those countries and met many of those people, and I assure you, you're missing out. What... were you thinking about travelling to those countries and meeting those people through English? I suppose you could try, but why watch a black-and-white movie on your phone when you could go to the Imax cinema and see it in 3D? As I've said again and again, travelling with English alone is an extremely limiting experience, and it's hard to appreciate this until you've broken out of the anglophone bubble and seen it for yourself. Learn a bit of Spanish and your world map will double in size. All kinds of new adventures, friends, and fond memories are awaiting you - all you have to do is say sí.

4. You’ll Find it Easy to Get Help

As much as I try to avoid categorising languages by how "easy" or "hard" they are, I have to give Spanish some credit. Even before you consider the intrinsic aspects of the language itself (which aren't the hardest), Spanish is made considerably easier by its popularity. The sheer number of wannabe Spanish speakers out there means that there's a lot of money to be made in this space, and the market has responded: there's an ENORMOUS amount of Spanish learning material out there. Whatever your specific learning style or language goals, you're very unlikely to have any trouble finding the exact product, course or resource to meet your needs. Plus it's never hard to find another speaker to practise with! Compare this to a language like Egyptian Arabic. As I've said before, despite having more than 80 million speakers, possibly the hardest thing about this language was not the language itself, but the difficulty of finding good teaching materials (since the courses tend to favour Modern Standard Arabic, which isn’t actually spoken in Egypt). If only there were as many good Arabic dialect resources as there are Spanish ones, my life would have been much easier.

5. Unleash Your Inner Party Animal!

The Spanish know how to party, and apparently they exported this tendency with them when they were colonising the world. Get to know the Hispanosphere and you'll be introduced to a montón of new celebrations that'll keep you up all night and dancing all day. There's Día de los Reyes Magos in January, Carnaval (it's not just a Brazilian thing) in March, and San Juan in June. You can celebrate the Feast of El Salvador del Mundo in (you guessed it) El Salvador in August, Grito de Lares in Puerto Rico in September, the infamous San Fermín (running of the bulls) in Spain in July, Señor de los Milagros in Peru in October, or Día de los Muertos in Mexico in November, and the list goes on. (I told you that you're missing out.) Whew! I'm exhausted just reading that list.

6. Get a Head Start on Other Languages

Do you want to be a polyglot? If you want to learn another Romance language once you're done with Spanish, you'll find you’ll have a big head start. In fact, several big Romance languages are so similar to Spanish that they're largely mutually intelligible - a Spaniard and an Italian who have never studied each other's languages could still just about communicate with a bit of effort. Learn Spanish and you'll find you can understand large chunks of Italian, Portuguese, Catalan, and (to a lesser extent) French, especially in their written forms, without having ever even studied them. Is that cheating? I prefer to think of it as "more bang for your buck". (A common next destination after Spanish is Brazilian Portuguese - if you want to go down that route, you might enjoy this article where I explain the basic differences.)

7. Learn Some New Tricks with Your Tongue

Many learners of Spanish are intimidated by its rolled R sound, which isn't unique to Spanish by any stretch of the imagination but still is very foreign to most English-speaking tongues. (Pro tip: the single "tapped" R as in pero is not only much more common than the double "rolled" R, as in perro but much easier to pronounce). But fear not! While some people convince themselves that they simply can't learn the rolled R and will never learn, the truth is that it's not that difficult, it just takes practice. And once you figure it out, you might find that trilling your tongue is a bit addictive. It feels so satisfying to finally nail this skill after all that practice!

8. Feed Your Language Brain

Spanish developed from the dialect of "Vulgar Latin" that was originally spoken in the kingdom of Castile, part of modern-day Spain. (This is why Spanish, español, is actually called Castilian, or castellano in the language itself in Spain, Argentina and several other countries). In the journey from veni, vidi, vici to vine, vi, vencí, Spanish mixed and mingled with a whole host of other languages and cultures, giving it some very distinctive features and vocabulary. For example, over 4000 Spanish words have their roots not in Latin but in Arabic, thanks to the Arabic-speaking Moors who ruled what's now Spain for a whopping seven centuries. Perhaps the most famous of these words is the hard-to-translate exclamation ¡ojalá!, which roughly means "let's hope so!" or "I hope to God!" - alá, of course, being the Spanish way of writing the Arabic word "Allah". In fact, as Spanish was spreading to the western hemisphere during colonial times, some indigenous American words managed to make it back east: such as cancha (football field) and carpa (marquee), which both come from the native South American language Quechua. The point is that, if you're a history or an etymology nerd, Spanish is an extremely rich language, and there's a lot to geek out on.

9. Vulgarity!

Spanish is descended from Vulgar Latin, and if vulgarity is your thing, Spanish can certainly help. You can start with the ubiquitous joder, which means "fuck", and, like its English equivalent, has zillions of different uses and translations, but be sure to move on quickly, there's much more. Again, it varies from country to country. A very common expletive in Spain is ¡hostia!, which literally means "host", as in the communion wafer that Catholics eat at mass, and can roughly be used in the same way that a blasphemous English speaker would exclaim "Christ!" or "Jesus!". (Cristo and Jesús aren't used this way in Spanish, although someone might say Jesús! to you when you sneeze, similar to the English "Bless you!"). If you darle la hostia (give someone the host), that roughly translates as "beat the crap out of somebody", but if you simply say something es la hostia ("it's the host"), that means it's very good. But that's just the tip of the obscenity iceberg. Spanish is chock-full of ways to indulge your potty mouth. ¡Joder!

10. La Tierra de la Libertad...

In all my travels, there's one Spanish-speaking country that stands out as very, well, distinctive. Spanish isn't even the official language, yet in large chunks of the country you hear it everywhere. And it's a weird dialect they have there - kind of a mix, and you'll often find people who have completely different accents even though they grew up in the same area! Maybe it's because this country is so huge and has such a rich heritage; a total melting pot of all kinds of different cultures, not just Latin ones. Whatever the case, it's an exception to point #3 above - you can get by in this country without Spanish. But if you do learn it, you'll find that it can give you a whole new perspective on this country and open many new doors. I'm talking, of course, about the United States of America - which has over 40 million native Spanish speakers, making it the 2nd biggest Spanish-speaking country in the world, behind only Mexico - and it's likely to overtake Mexico and clinch the number one spot within our lifetimes! Who knows what the future has in store for the Spanish language, but clearly its influence is spreading fast and wide beyond its "official" borders. Maybe in the future you just won't be able to avoid it. Spanish is so prominent in the Estados Unidos that I actually spent a whole month almost exclusively speaking it when I lived in south San Francisco city, and I use it very often here in New York. One thing's for sure: I've heard many people say that they wish they spoke Spanish, but I've never heard anyone say that they wish they hadn't learned it. If I've inspired you to give Spanish a try, go ahead and check out this list of resources. What’s your big reason for learning Spanish? Let me know in the comments.

The post 10 Good Reasons to Learn Spanish appeared first on Fluent in 3 months - Language Hacking and Travel Tips.

Shared by learntospeakspanishquickly.com: http://ift.tt/2lLdS56 from Blogger http://ift.tt/2neTBSA

#learn spanish tips #Bloggers

1 note · View note