#this is forever how matthias will exist in my head

[dirtytransmasc]

I don't know why, and maybe this is me projecting my perfect bbg himbo man standard's onto him, but, Matthias feels like the type of friend to mother hen, but in like... a begrudged sorta of way.

like, he wakes up super fucking early, so he makes everyone breakfast, pretends to complain about it, but then watch on as his friends eat with a smile (he also insists on having "family" meals at least a few times a week, that not even Kaz is allowed to skip). he cleans really early too, forget sleeping in on a sunday, the 'house' most be cleaned, the bad energy must be purged (that superstitious ass definitely believes in bad vibes).

if one of the crows gets sick, he is force-feeding them homemade medicines and has a bunch of outdated old wives' cure-alls, tinctures, and traditions that he forces on his friends (he's putting onions in your socks, garlic in your ear, and opening your window the second he hears a sniffle). he's sitting at your bedside with soup in one hand and a literal pitcher of water and literally hand feeding you (does the grandma thing where he grabs your jaw if you struggle, cause your fucking eating it, there's no escaping it and the gallon of water he plans to make you drink at each meal). again, he even does this to Kaz, and complains the entire time, even when Nina tells him to stop and that he doesn't have to, he refuses to, cause he doesn't know how to stop.

he also has a bunch of like, immuno boost traditions. like he's making you take a snow bath after the first snow storm of the year (my grandma made me do this till I was like, 15, and I swear on my life it works, somehow), he's giving you awful spoonfuls of concoctions in the morning saying "it's good for you" in a very insulted and grandma-esque tone.

he complains that everyone is too skinny so he's always in the kitchen cooking something heavy and hearty. specially for wylan, cause he's the youngest, so he naturally mother hens him 10x more, that kid is not escaping the heaping amounts of meats and fish and bread this man is shoving down his gullet. he becomes a house wife in an attempt to "nurse these fools back to health" cause he's convinced they're all sickly/dying.

throws (aggressively and not at all lovingly) coats at kaz, cause the skinny pale demon is awful when he catches cold (that's totally the only reason). makes sure everyone leaves the 'house' with gloves and scarves. always has a fire going in the furnace at the end of the day. he has knitting vibes too? like, there's definitely a few blankets that he made himself, and they're everyone's favorites.

I think matthias just has repressed baby girl/housewife vibes, and I just want to embrace them in all their glory. I want him to be an apron-wearing, hand-on-the-hip, towel-on-the-shoulder housewife. I want him to be a single mom to the crows while constantly complaining about 'having to do all the work in this household' while also knowing full well, that he does not, while the others tell him he does not. I want him to take care of everyone because he gets all warm in the chest and he likes how it feels to be in the caregiver role and not the protector role (though he doesn't mind doing a bit of both). I want my mans to find peace, and what better way than to be a housewife.

the crows absolutely love it, especially with their massive amalgamation of family issues, this nice to have some semblance of normalcy, even in the form of an over-bearing grandma in a big muscley fjerdan body. its nice sitting around the table and talking about their day. its nice having some semblance of a schedule to there days, to wake up knowing there will be breakfast waiting for them and a warm blanket to come home to. its almost comedic how fussed up Matthias can get about their poor habits, how he forces them all to eat or cleans up after them or forces a coat onto their shoulders as he prays to Djel for strength. nina and inej like seeing their boys smile, feeling happy, safe, and loved. wylan for once doesn't hate being babied, cause in this case, he just gets fed good food and has nice mittens thrown at him. jesper has always viewed the crows as family, and now they really are one. kaz hates to admit it, but the fjerdan isn't that bad, and maybe opening up to his crows isn't that bad either.

(the focus on kaz was purely to show this man's determination to his cause. he is so committed, he not only wants to, but gets kaz to let him wrangle him into his bs. Matthias "calls kaz a demon within moment of meeting him" Helvar gets Kaz "emotionally constipated to the point he pushes everyone away, including the woman he is down horrendous for" Brekker to take sick days, eat meals with the family, actually put some meat and color on his bones, on both of their (somewhat) free wills. that's gotta get him a medal or something.)

#I know Fjerda is based off of Scandinavia which is a Germanic country and I'm Slavic #and the two cultures are very different even between the individual countries within them #but the scary grandmas with their herbal/natural remedies are very similar #he has scary germanic/slavic grandma vibes but the well-meaning type of scary #my grandma was direct inspo #I didn't read enough of the books yet to know if/how ooc this is #but I don't care. fight with the wall #this is forever how matthias will exist in my head #no ones changing that #matthias helvar #nina zenik #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #inej ghafa #kaz brekker #six of crows #soc #shadow and bones

[mousmoula]

my thoughts (and prayers) on shadow & bone season 2:

(spoilers ahead, mostly about the crows, also i haven't watched the last 2 eps yet, i'll reblog with anything else when i do)

i LOVED wesper but holy fuck did they rush the fuck out of their relationship

i'm too lazy to retype it but i summed it up adequately here earlier:

the other tags i wanted to put here aren't in english so tldr: in the books, wylan and jesper's relationship is founded in their mutual respect for and admiration of each others' strengths, intelligence and genuine trust that they can do so much more than they allow themselves to. this type of relationship takes time to build, time which this show absolutely did not give them. that being said, again—i doubt the creators thought they would have the time to begin with (see tags above) and i don't really blame them for rushing it.

also... so many iconic scenes from soc AND ck lost 😭 i liked how they recreated some of them in the context of the show but some others i'll miss forever

on the plus side, we may not have gotten "just girls?" "no, not just girls" but we did get jesper recognising wylan only after he's on top on him,,, other stuff so i can't really complain lol. i enjoyed it!

wylan felt quite underdeveloped to me, plus he was reduced to his relationship with jesper, barely existed outside of it and didn't interact almost at all with anyone else. it HURTS me soul, last 2 eps better fix this.

i loved matthias making friends with his cell mate 😭

pekka rollins was a good villain in the books but they made him truly horrible in this one like jesus christ there was NO reason for him to be that bad. not complaining though! i like a good villain. i also want to see him crucified

KAZ BREKKER AND HIS LOVELY, BEAUTIFUL, INCREDIBLE BRAIN

no but i love how, once you learn enough about kaz, he's so... easy to read? as a character? every single plan of his so far this season i've been able to predict and it brings me such joy every time. this isn't me saying he was predictable, in fact i think they got his funky little brain very correctly and i loved that. they didn't get everything perfectly with him but i think his plans were super well-thought through and it reminded me how much i adore this asshole (affectionate)

where the hell was jesper's gambling addiction during this season.......... i was so happy with how they dealt with it during s1 and now 6 eps in it hasn't been mentioned in the slightest

his conflict with being a durast was also handled a bit badly, mainly because there was hardly any conflict at all 😭

overall sad with how jesper's character was dealt with, he's one of my favourites and i'm pretty frustrated lol

KANEJ<333333

i could write an essay on why i love and adore every single one of the crows basically

GENYA LOVE OF MY LIFE

i love her so much she didn't deserve all this crap i'm SO upset with her backstory with the king ew

how tf do people like alina and the darkling together lmao there's no romance there 😭

NIKOLAI IS EVERYTHING TO ME ACTUALLY i haven't read shadow and bone but i loved his character so much

think i've said this before but when he appeared in crooked kingdom i pictured him in my head as the duke of weselton (or however tf that's spelt) from frozen. make of that what you will.

TOLYA AND TAMAR'S INTRO WAS THE COOLEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER WATCHED i rewatched it so many times 😭 absolutely incredible characters, i love them

i feel so bad but among everything else i really couldn't care about the whole darkling and alina plot... mal being the firebird, nikolai's crew, baghra's sacrifice, genya trying to redeem herself etc were all very interesting arcs and i cared very much about them but the main plot about alina and kirigan and the problems between them. i just. Do Not Care

tolya and jesper's "friendship" so to say was lovely

i'll genuinely clip tolya and tamar's intro and tattoo it on my forehead i'm listening to the soundtrack now and i'm losing my head it was so GOOD

kaz better mention van eck by the end of the season i NEED them to set this plot up for when (if) we get s3 or a soc spin-off

the fold was such a good world-building part last season but we barely saw it this time. i fucking miss the fold. what's life

the whole season felt very,,, transitional, maybe? so we better fucking get another one. netflix i'm watching you and you better fucking prove me wrong

where the fuck is fedyor 😭 and (because i care about fedyor's happiness) where the fuck is ivan

me: damn i hope vasily dies he's annoying as fuck

vasily: *dies a good 10 seconds later*

overall: generally happy with this season, upset with what they did to the crows, still hyped to finish the last 2 eps and share more thoughts (and prayers)

if you watch the series with the mindset that it's a completely separate thing (from six of crows/crooked kingdom) and just to have fun, you're guaranteed that much, in my opinion. it's fun and i can ignore the stuff i'm upset about because i can re-read soc anytime so yeah!

#long post #my apologies #shadow and bone #shadow and bone spoilers #six of crows

[musicallisto]

Hi, congrats on 800 followers! Can I please get a Six of Crows ship? I’m have short brown hair (I dyed red last week) and green eyes. I don't mind if im shipped with a girl or a boy. I like reading (no romantic novels), music and photography. I'm Aquarius. I’m very curious. I'm a little shy and even cold at first. I’m not good with feelings, I mostly keep them to myself if I can, but I care deeply for my loved ones and would do anything to help them, even if I'm not very good at giving advice. ☆

hi! here’s your vanilla milkshake, I hope you like it! I ship you with jesper fahey!

You don’t imagine the extent of my joy to be able to add a gif of an actual real person for Jesper... however shall I survive until Aprid 23rd?

For the longest time, you thought the world started and ended at your corner of Fjerda, in your frozen estate by the True Sea.

You were descented from minor Fjerdan nobility, and your father, jaded by Court Life and its political intrigues - and, unofficially, penniless after giving his all for the sempiternal wars on Ravka -, had decided to leave the capital and retire to his family’s estate by the sea a few years after you were born.

All you had ever known were the large, marbled corridors you’d spend entire afternoons wandering, daydreaming about adventures in the confines of the country - or living the lavish life of a true Fjerdan princess, in an outrageously enormous bed of satin sheets...

The house was spacious and beautiful, with a marvelous view over the sea, gently carrying its boats to and fro before you - and you’d stay there on the balcony in your flowy white dress, admiring the ocean until you couldn’t fight the chills of the night creeping up your spine anymore; but as tranquil and languid as your existence was, it was also terribly lonely.

All you longed for was a sibling, a friend, a partner in crime, someone you could explore the world and go on quests with...

... until a lighting bolt tore the silence, one night.

You couldn’t sleep, so you had gone on a walk by the shore as you often did - your father was never worried about it, since you knew the rocks and their cracks like the back of your hand, and would know the way back home even with your eyes closed.

But you were so absorbed by the distant twinkling of stars that you didn’t notice the shadows creeping up behind you until it was too late.

Screams in a language you can’t understand; an arm around your neck in a chokehold, another slipping under your knees; you thrash around, slice all you can, bite and claw at all you can grasp...

Your abductors know better than to let Fjerdan nobility get away from their grasp. They don’t know exactly who you are - but they’ve guessed from the distinguished aspect of your house that there’s a fine sum to gain from whoever will be willing to pay for you - your father for a ransom, or anyone else, in Kerch, who’ll make good use of your services.

Those brothels in Ketterdam pay good money for young girls, they hear - even more so for a Fjerdan pearl.

When they throw you on an overloaded carriage like a potato sack, you’re still yelling at the top of your lungs, pleading for your father, for one of your maids, for anyone to help you.

But no one hears.

You shed all the tears you have in the first night, tossed around in a dark chariot, off to somewhere unknown. Your father hasn’t prepared you for this - nothing, not even your books nor your fantastical imaginary adventures...

But you don’t intend on being sold off that easily. So you devise a plan to get away.

The first opportunity to break free presents itself when your kidnappers force you to board a ship; but they manage to catch you before you’ve run very far.

But second time’s the charm; with nothing better to do during the voyage than to bide your time and gnaw at your bonds, you’re able to slip from your captor’s watch, and blindly run through the harbor - just to get as far as possible from the stench of this floating carcass.

The first thing that strikes you is the odor. You’ve known the sea forever - it’s clear and bright as ice, and smells of fresh mornings and cold salt; never of this green rot that festers everywhere in these streets... and all those chimneys, all those people, who stare you down as you run down these grimy streets, barefoot in your off-white dress...

You understand that you’re farther from home than you’ve ever been, and it’s not a thrilling adventure, it’s terrifying and overwhelming, and you want nothing more than to burst into tears.

But you don’t, because a pair of strangers flag you down in a language you don’t understand.

A tall and lanky dark-skinned boy, wearing vibrant fabric and a self-assured grin; and possibly the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen in your life, all bright eyes and genuine frown.

Paralyzed, you open your mouth, once, twice, incapable of making the slightest sound; until the girl notices your visible discomfort, and, eyeing your pale eyes, asks in the slightest of Ravkan accents;

“Are you Fjerdan?”

You nod with all your soul. You’re ready to cling onto them both for dear life.

“What happened to you?”

Your voice fails you - you can’t explain it - you haven’t even comprehended it all. You were curled up in front of the fireplace just the night before...

“Do you have anywhere to go?”

You shake your head with despair, trying to blink back the tears.

“Come with us. We know someone who’ll help you.”

You don’t mull it over very long. Maybe it’s your sheltered uprbinging that has made you naive; maybe it’s the curiously comforting warmth you see in the Ravkan girl’s eyes; but you simply have no better option, and you can’t understand a word of Kerch, or wherever it is that this barbarian folk speak.

Although your two saviors start arguing, probably about whether or not they can reasonably take you in, your tear-stained cheeks and desperate vulnerability are enough to convince them - so you follow them.

Into the lair of the Dregs, of whom you’ve never heard - and of Kaz Brekker, who you know very well.

After all, he’s the infamous gangster who invaded your homeland, broke into the Ice Court, and stole the Shu boy - or so you saw your father read in the papers. To know that you are under the same roof as that lowlife would be enough to give your father a heart attack...

You’re half convinced that he’ll throw you back to the streets, but Nina and, surprisingly, Jesper as well, plead in your favor with a greatly convincing fervor. You learn that it’s probably because Kaz has much greater worries on his mind - the criminal group is planning on retrieving one of their own from the clutches of a treacherous business partner, or so you’ve gathered.

Either way, you’re more than happy that the terrifying and redoubtable Kaz Brekker is leaving you alone, and that you can enjoy Jesper’s company.

You two become unexpectedly good friends overtime. He comes to visit you at the Crow Club, where you’re staying, almost every day. Yet communication is not your strong suit, especially in a language you don’t understand at all, and you don’t fancy yourself a particularly enthralling girl to be around.

Not when one has lived the life of a criminal, a sharpshooter, a wanderer, a playboy... well, all those things that Jesper prises himself on being, and all those words he’s taught you in Kerch.

(That and the curse words, of course, that you’re a bit intimidated to use at first, until they slip out of your mouth one evening when you drop your plate at dinner with the Dregs, and the entire canteen falls dead silent.)

“Did she just say ‘fuck’?”

“I think she just said fuck.”

“See, Matthias, she wasn’t immediately struck by lighting by Djel’s hand. You won’t die if you say it.”

Speaking of Matthias, he’s also a good friend of yours - it’s comforting and refreshing to have a familiar face around, one of Fjerdan roots and mores.

Although the rest of the group says you’re not that Fjerdan.

“You’re one of the feisty ones, at least.”

“I’m not ‘feisty’. Shut up, Jesper.”

“Ah, I see you’ve been working on the vocabulary I taught you!”

Matthias and you both have a lot of soul-searching and unlearning to do about the outside world - you were raised in particularly bigoted environments, you somewhat less than him. The hatred for the Grisha he’s been taught by the Drüskelle is fear in your case; you’ve been brought up on bedtime stories of bloodthirsty Grisha who devour unruly kids, and war and devastation caused by their unstability and blasphemous magic.

It’s even more of a shock to you when you learn Jesper is a Grisha.

Unbeknownst to you, you’ve started to fall a little for him - how could you not? He’s funny, charming, sarcastic and witty; always has the best stories to tell, and despite it all, sincerely cares for you amidst the chaos of their heist and revenge plans.

But to learn he was the kind of monster - no, the kind of creature - no, the kind of person, you force yourself to correct mentally - that you had been taught to fear for your entire life...

“I’m so sorry. You should never have been there.”

He’s pacing back and forth in your room after a shootout has gone awry and you were caught in the crossifre; it’s the first time he’s ever had to use his Durast powers to get you of the mess - and normally he wouldn’t have, because it’s a secret he wishes he could carry to the grave, but the fear of losing you was too strong...

“Thank god that I was there, though. What would you do without me?”

He’s fidgety and restless, nervously playing with his pistols, and his nervous laugh is all but genuine; and you’re huddled up on your bed, staring him down with wide eyes.

“Jesper, you...”

“Yeah, maybe not the best moment.”

“Jesper...”

“It’s like they have a knack for knowing exactly where we’re gonna be and when...”

“Jesper!”

He abruptly turns to look at you, and his eyes widen. He’s starting to understand, almost, but refuses to believe it. Your voice is a murmur, and you can hardly hold his gaze.

“Jesper, are you... going to hurt me?”

His words die in his throat. He remembers where you’re from... the garbage that they must have filled your ears and head with from the day you were born... how feverish Matthias was with Nina... he looks at his hands, and his Materialki magic rumbles like a dark curse.

“Y/N, you’re scared of me?”

The sheer hurt in his voice breaks your heart. Even though you’re trembling, you let him step closer to you, slowly. It’s Jesper in front of you, not some ungodly monster from legends... Jesper, your Jesper...

“I’m... I’m sorry...”

He cups your face in his hands, warm and just a bit moist, and stares into your eyes with a vulnerability you have never seen in him.

“I’d never do anything to hurt you, Y/N, I swear on my life. All I want is you to be safe...”

Safe from me, if that’s what you wish, he thinks for a split second, but you don’t give him time to doubt; you’ve captured his lips in a frenzied kiss, and hold on for dear life onto his lean shoulders.

Fjerda and its blind hatred is very far from you, now. You're locked in Jesper's embrace, and you won't have to hear their lies anymore.

You know you have nothing to fear from him; not now, and not ever.

800 follower sleepover CLOSED!

#sarcasticandfangirl #800sleepover #THIS GOT SO LONG OMG i need to write for six of crows already the inspiration is unquenchable #six of crows #soc #grishaverse #ship request #jesper fahey #jesper fahey x reader #jesper fahey headcanons #six of crows headcanons

[nuclearnik]

Like Disco Lemonade - Read on AO3

Pairing: Nina Zenik + Matthias Helvar Rating: M Summary: Matthias doesn't care much for his own birthday, but Nina does and always makes it special. This year her utterly indecent cake decorating makes him turn beet red in front of their friends.

A/N: Takes place in some nebulous time after the events of Crooked Kingdom but everything is fine and nothing hurts. Join me as I continue to pretend chapters 38 through 40 don't exist. Inspired by this photo

Matthias didn't care much for birthdays.

Each one was one more year without his family, one more year being a man without a country.

But it was also one more with Nina. More kisses, more waffles so sweet they give him a toothache, more nights falling asleep with her in his arms, more obscene jokes from her with the sole intent to make him blush and stammer.

More of her smiles. Her hand in his. More of the simple pleasure of existing in her orbit.

They were not meant to be, opposite sides of a war, driven by diametrically opposed purpose, an impossible pair doomed to failure from the start.

But the fire in her heart is a twin to his, and it is what pushed them together. It is what gave him the strength to continue, setting forth in a whole new life, not in his country or hers, but their own, somewhere where the only things that mattered were the steps they took forward.

Nina, on the other hand, goes mad for birthdays. She has since she was a little girl, she told him, always making sure the younger children in the orphanage felt special, felt seen. Always thinking about how to make the people around her happy.

So he muscles through the unwanted attention, accepts the cake, blows out the candles, smiles in a way he cannot suppress when Nina and their friends serenade him about as well as a gang of feral cats.

He is pulled from his ruminations on age, time, and the meaning of life when Nina comes sweeping into the main hall of the Crow Club—devoid of customers at nine in the morning—bright and beautiful, with a cake covered in petal pink frosting perched on one palm.

With a flourish, she sets it down in front of him, lights the single, lopsided candle, and leads the others—some enthusiastic, some begrudgingly—in a rousing chorus of happy birthday.

Wylan is beaming, belting out the lyrics while Jesper hums along beside him, raising a glass of liquid probably not socially acceptable at this time of day.

When the warbling tune limps to the finish line, Matthias looks down at the cake for the first time, heat flooding his cheeks.

Instead of a simple birthday greeting, flowing script spells out, "You're really good in bed" across the top, in deep, incriminating red.

Before he really thinks it through, he drags his index finger through the words, coming in a little too hot and making the cake wobble. Less of a swipe, more of a stab.

From her spot just to his left, Nina leans into him, warm breath coming in little puffs against his neck as he licks the frosting mess from his fingers and attempts to act casual.

"I knew you liked it rough."

A quick glance around the table reveals that no one else is really even paying attention. The other four are mostly enamored with each other, though the affection between them is delivered in starkly different fashions: Jesper has thrown an arm around Wylan, whispering something most certainly indecent in the younger boy's ear, while interaction between Kaz and Inej is comprised of barely there touches—a brush of a gloved pinky against a knee, stolen glances.

Pulling away before he can respond, Nina passes out plates and leaves him sitting there with his face on fire.

Everyone has a slice of cake except for Kaz, who sits at the head of the table looking stoically resigned to a torturous fifteen minutes of celebrating, and Matthias feels a kinship with the stone faced demjin.

But then he looks at Nina, radiant and laughing at something with Inej, and suddenly all that matters is keeping that look on her face, forever, if he can.

Kaz barks out an order to get back to work, and everyone else disperses to do Djel knows what, leaving him alone with his siren, who throws a coy smile his way and grabs his hand, tugging him down a hallway to a broom closet.

"Nina…"

Raising a finger to her lips, she shushes him, maneuvering him into the closet and quietly shutting the door behind them.

The dim light bulb flares to life as she tugs on the chain, giving just enough of a glow to see her features, the shape of her before him.

With one hand on his chest, she backs him up until his spine meets the precariously perched shelves lining the small back wall of the closet, and walks her fingers up his chest, over his collarbone and behind his neck to entwine them in the loose hair at the back of his head.

"Hi," she says, her tone sweet as sugar as goes up on her toes to press a kiss to his chin, his nose, his jaw. And then she is sucking on that spot on his neck right behind his ear and his brain whites out like an ice storm, his hands dropping to clutch her hips as the only thing still tethering him to this earth.

Nimble fingers undoing the buttons of his shirt, Nina pushes aside the fabric to trail wet kisses down his chest, her mouth going lower and lower with each one, dislodging his grip on her waist. His fingers scramble to hold onto the edge of the shelf behind him as she unfastens his belt and grins up at him, sinking to her knees with all the grace of a queen.

What happens next is a blur of sensation: the warmth of her mouth taking him in, her hands stroking his thighs, his heart pounding in his ears.

No matter how often they come together now in the dark—and sometimes in the day, and not in their bed, which has taken some getting used to, to say the least—it still feels like the first time with his hands shaking as they worked to unlace the stays of her dress and reveal the soft glory of her body each by inch, kissing her with all the pent up desire he'd been harboring, the press of her curves against him.

He'd been eager to learn what she liked, what felt good for her. Each new spot uncovered that made her moan or shiver felt like opening a present made just for him, wrapped in shiny paper with a pretty red bow.

Now, she is unwrapping him, unraveling him thread by thread and putting him back together all at once, and just before he loses his mind completely, he pulls one of her hands free from his leg and tangles their fingers together.

She squeezes his fingers once in response, and his chest warms with affection, matching the molten heat in his belly. Then she does something with her tongue that pushes him over the edge and he can no longer think clearly, can barely breathe.

When she finally pulls back, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and smiling, and he's caught his breath, he tugs her to her feet and switches their positions, pressing her gently back into the shelves.

She is soft and warm against him as he kisses her, his mouth straying from hers to kiss and suck at the delicate line of her throat in the way that always made her breathe catch.

"My turn."

"But it's your birth—" Whatever she was trying to say melts into a sigh as his hand slips beneath her dress, and he smiles against her skin.

Happy birthday, indeed.

#helnik fanfic #nina x matthias #six of crows #helnik #nina zenik #matthias helvar #six of crows fanfic #shadow and bone #my writing

[ledbiantastic]

Okay, it's time for my Harrow The Ninth read through post. Spoilers, obviously. Thanks to @shakespearerants, @irascibubble, and @mayasaura for encouraging me to keep going. Enjoy!

I am on page 33 of Harrow the Ninth and I am making a prediction. I initially thought the Body referred to the dead girl in the locked tomb, but now I think it's Gideon. We'll see if I'm right.

Page 44 says it is the dead girl in the tomb, but I'm not convinced it isn't also Gideon

Gideon must be important to have to be erased from Harrow's mind like that, right?

Did Ortus the First kill/try to kill Gideon's mom? The timeline adds up, they said he messed something up nineteen years ago, Gideon was 18 in the last book and time has passed

In the weird retconned memories, after every death, or during, someone says "is this how it happens" which makes me think it's, like, Harrow's brain asking that

Who are those notes from and to? What's up with that?

I love seeing Harrow spend time with Magnus and Abigail. I liked them

If Harrow is haunted, but this is not the real version of the past, is her mind creating the ghost? Is it Gideon? I don't think Gideon would write notes like that though...

Page 291 is Ortus talking to her like she's Gideon's mother? IS HE ASKING WHY SHE BROUGHT ALONG THE BABY?

Is Ortus' cavalier more active or something? Like he doesn't remember because she takes control?

Page 315 "he had seen me" who is he and who is me? Who is narrating this to Harrowhark? Is. It. Gideon? (Later I decide it's Palamedes seeing the Sleeper, who is also narrating and is possibly Gideon. We'll see if that's right.)

Is the poster on page 318 Gideon? Is It? IS IT? But Gideon's hair didn't go down to her shoulders. Is it her mom?

Are Camilla and Coronabeth on the side of the rebellion? BOE? Is old Harrow? I KNEW IT! But I'm sad they're on different sides.

Is Ianthe the spy? Is that how she knew Coronabeth was alive?

Does the Sleeper represent the part of Harrow and/or her brain that erased her memories and it's cleaning up the debris in her psyche? OR IS IT GIDEON? AKA the DORMANT part of Harrow-as-Lyctor? When the Sleeper is unmasked, will we see Harrow or Gideon?

Did Gideon's mother start the rebellion or something? Is that why they had a poster of her? Was she Eden?

So, Canaan house was on earth then?

Did Harrow (old Harrow) tamper with her own temporal lobe? Did Mercymorn? Ianthe?

Whose idea was it for Ortus to kill her then? John? Augustine? Mercymorn? Someone else?

Did Harrow break into the locked tomb? I want to believe she did, because I support her. But if not, who is the Body?

Shit, I can't remember what color Gideon's eyes were. Page 363 when Harrow's eyes are two different colors, black and gold

Ianthe wants to marry Harrow? Weird. I don't ship it. But I'm kind of stuck on Gideon and if I wasn't, maybe.

See a man about a queen? What does it mean? What is Ianthe doing? Also love that she cursed Harrow's hair to grow extra, just to be petty.

I'm so confused by chapter 40. What the hell is going on? Why is Harrow trying to be a cavalier? The fuck? Role swapped false memory? What is even happening?

Is Harrowhark's brain just, like, randomly spit-balling while she's dying or something? Love that Abigail and Magnus seem to be aware that it's not real.

OH OH OH THAT WAS GIDEON! SERVING THE COFFEE AND MAKING HARROW BLUSH IN THE THIRD(?) FALSE MEMORY OR DREAM OR WHATEVER! I love that Abigail is NOT having this, like, no I'm not gonna watch your romance novel version unfold.

I think I've noticed that the ones who have speaking roles the weird memories are the ones who died in the last book.

Are they all taking active part in these false scenarios? All the dead from Canaan house?

Oh my god oh my god here it is she remembers and she's so sad!

So she erased Gideon to save her soul. Nope nope nope nope nope I can't. I can't deal with these feelings. Y.Y

Who the fuck is the angry spirit?!?!

Who fucking stabbed her?

IS GIDEON DRIVING HARROW'S FUCKING BODY AROUND DURING A FIGHT? HELL YES! AND THAT MEANS I WAS RIGHT THAT SHE'S NARRATING!

OH AND I PREDICT THE GHOST IS CYTHERIA!

I'm still thinking about what Harrow did. It's so sweet and so sad and she's so lonely and she didn't even know how lonely she was.

Also I'm already excited to reread this series.

Oh yeah, this is GIDEON in here, swearing up a storm and trying to use a sword.

Okay, first I'm getting emotional just from heading Gideon's voice, then I'm emotional about what it was like for her to be in Harrow's body/mind, then I'm emotional about all the things she wanted to say but didn't have time, AND THEN I'M EMOTIONAL when Gideon says why she thinks Harrow did it and I'm like baby nooooooo it was because she loved you, not because she didn't want to rely on you! Honey, baby, no!

"Harrowhark, I gave you my whole life and you didn't even want it." HARROWHARK, I GAVE YOU MY WHOLE LIFE AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT IT. 💔💔💔😟😟😟😭😭😭 Excuse me while my heart breaks.

Oh, also a bigger issue in this book is the whole concept of the afterlife? And it's messed up because of the emperor? I don't know why I wasn't prepared for that but I wasn't.

Ortus holding Harrow and pointing out that she and Gideon were neglected children is making my therapist soul ascend.

I'm such an idiot. His name wasn't Ortus, it was Gideon. He did kill Gideon's mother, that's why she shouted his name. Or they were in love? One or the other... Or both?

Harrow did a find and replace in her brain and it had unexpected consequences.

I've been leaning more and more towards the Sleeper and ghost being Cytheria.

Oh my sweet sword lesbian himbo, how I've missed you. "The sword I had to hold overhead in one hand as I used the other to keep everything inside you; stuff was coming out, Harrow, I don't know precisely what stuff because I'm not a goddamn necromancer."

Gideon is OCCUPYING HARROW'S BODY during a deadly invasion and is like, 'I'm gonna shut my eyes to reach under the shirt and get rid of encumbrances. I tried not to touch you, so don't get mad.' I feel like Harrow would be the first one to say 'do whatever you have to do to stay alive, you imbecile!'

So Mercymorn stabbed Harrow... So the heralds would eat her as a way to buy time? Was that the plan? Gideon calling her "my necromancer" made my heart do a thing.

I want to understand what she's saying about Gideon's mother. Was Gideon a science experiment? Like Kipo?

Where. THE FUCK did Cytheria get the gun?

Dulcie is *horny for revenge* Abigail is a BAMF and my new (and final?) prediction is that the Sleeper is Gideon's mom.

Gideon and Ianthe is a fun dynamic. I love how protective Gideon is, that she's mad at Ianthe for hurting Harrow's heart.

Gideon must have her mother's eyes to be freaking all the lyctors the fuck out.

"I wanted you to use me... I wanted you to live and not die... Harrow. I already gave my flesh to you, and I already gave you my end. I gave you my sword. I gave you myself. I did it while knowing I'd do it all again, without hesitation, because all I ever wanted you to do was eat me." Why am I crying? 😭😭😭😭😭 Why is this the most romantic thing when it's also full of insults and curses and is followed by a your mom joke? What a Gideon thing to do, be so romantic and gross and sassy all at once. I love her, I want to be her. Gideon forever.

Love that Ianthe also thinks Harrow got rid of Gideon because she didn't want her. /s I'm starting to worry that it's silly for me to hold onto the 'because she can't live without Gideon' explanation.'

"But Nonagesimus, you hating me always meant more than anyone else in this hot and stupid universe loving me. At least I'd had your full attention." That's why indifference is the opposite of love, hate is still passionate attention. But this also makes me feel so bad for Gideon because she deserves to be loved, dammit!

Okay, "gall on gall" is pretty hilarious. Good job Ianthe.

Love that the ghost of Matthias Nonius speaks in meter because he's been so deified by the Ninth house, and he's confused by it. It's like people in a musical being aware they're in a musical, like, why am I singing?

Ortus' poem was important after all!

Is it the sword? Does Harrow have to destroy Gideon's sword? Because that would break my heart a little.

"It bewildered her, back at Canaan House, how the whole of her always seemed to come back to Gideon. For one brief and beautiful space of time, she has welcomed it: that microcosm of eternity between forgiveness and the slow uncomprehending agony of the fall. Gideon rolling up her shirt sleeves. Gideon dappled in shadow, breaking promises. One idiot with a sword and an asymmetrical smile had proved to be Harrow's end." I just... This is so beautifully written. And describing Gideon as one idiot with a sword is so perfect and right and I just... 🖤🖤🖤😭😭😭

No no no I hate this either/or bullshit! I know I'm a sappy optimist, but I want both of them to survive, damnit! I want Harrow to be able to go back to her body without losing Gideon's soul. I want Gideon to keep existing.

What does Dulcinea know?!?!

Commander? That's Gideon's mom, right? Awake Remembrance of These Valiant Dead Kia Hua Ko Te Pai Snap Back to Reality Oops There Goes Gravity

What does that all mean? Are those Eminem lyrics? What other language is in there?

WHAT'S ALL COME OUT?

I knew she was in the sword.

Oh my god, if you need John to get in the tomb, and she was trying to get in the tomb and had something, a tool... Samples... She was armed with the baby... Is Gideon's father John? Is Gideon the fucking child of God?

She named the baby Bomb... This whole series could have been Bomb the Ninth... Bomb Nav...

Yep yep called it, child of God. The first time they put that plan in action was to get sperm to make Gideon. The second time was so Harrow could kill the first Gideon.

A dad joke?! A DAD JOKE?!

Gideon and Harrow were so cruel to each other as kids. It just makes me so sad.

Was Harrow able to get into the tomb because she made Gideon bleed?

So is Alecto John's cavalier? Annabel and Alecto... Are the same person? I'm so confused. She's the body in the locked tomb? But how is that related to her eyes being in his genes?

Wait, the eyes switched? I continue to be confused. Did he do the lyctor thing but also put a part of both him and his cavalier into the cavalier's body? But she was never human? What's going on? Why do they think she never had genes?

Oh cool, Mercy killed God and now everyone's gonna die... ... ... Ooooor not.

I love that beating up Harrow is Gideon's job AND saving Harrow is Gideon's job. Very cute.

Sooooo Gideon the OG and Pyrrha both fucked Gideon's mom... With the same body...

Gideon, such a romantic, wishing she had Harrow's name on her lips as she died. "I mean, yeah, I was thinking about you too; if I could've turned that off I would've turned it off years ago" HAHAHAHAHA You can't stop thinking about Harrow even if you want to! God, what a sweet himbo.

"Yes, well, jail for mother" says Gideon... Is she referencing Miette? Jail for mother for one thousand years!

Okay, so we have definitely confirmed that the Body is Alecto/Annabel/God's cavalier.

What did Dulcinea tell her? That Gideon is moving her body around? Doesn't she know that? Shouldn't that not be a surprise?

Okay, so, wait, what happened to Harrowhark?

ARRRRRGH I'm not smart enough for this book! Or I'm not visual enough! I know I should recognize the description of bobbed hair and "lambent" eyes but I have no idea who it is and also WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO GIDEON AND HARROWHARK?! UGH NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT BOOK AND I'M GONNA BE SO IMPATIENT AND CONFUSED!

Well that was fun to reread. Impressed I got some things right, but mostly I was very wrong.

#harrow the ninth #spoilers #locked tomb spoilers #locked tomb trilogy #doing my best #lesbians are just so good #disaster lesbian #it's me i'm the disaster lesbian here #i love this himbo #himbo gideon nav #live blogging #abigail pent #dulcinea septimus #ianthe the first #long post

[friendlyneighborhoodpsyop]

Quotes about Kaz Brekker:

Every act of violence was deliberate, and every favor came with enough strings attached to stage a puppy show.

The boy called Dirtyhands didn’t need a reason any more than he needed permission.

He was a collection of hard lines and tailored edges.

“Who’d deny a poor cripple his cane?” “If the cripple is you, then any man with sense.”

“I’m a business man,” he’d told her. “No more, no less.” “You’re a thief, Kaz.” “Isn’t that what I just said?”

“I’m not here for a taste. You want a war, I’ll make sure you eat your fill.”

The boy he’d been talking to had been cocky, reckless, easily amused, but not frightening—not really. Now the monster was here, dead-eyed and unafraid. Kaz Brekker was gone, and Dirtyhands had come to see the rough work done.

“You’ll get what’s coming to you one day, Brekker.” “I will,” said Kaz, “if there’s any justice in the world. And we all know how likely that is.”

“Well I’m the kind of bastard they only manufacture in the Barrel.”

Inej was always trying to wring little bits of decency from him. “When everyone knows you’re a monster, you needn’t waste time doing every monstrous thing.”

“Greed is your god, Kaz.” He almost laughed at that. “No, Inej. Greed bows to me. It is my servant and my lever.” “And what god do you serve, then?” “Whichever will grant me good fortune.”

“What’s the difference wagering at the Crow Club and speculating on the floor of the Exchange?” “One is theft and the other is commerce.” “When a man loses his money, he may have trouble telling them apart.”

“You’re a blackmailer—“. “I broker information.” “A con artist—“. “I create opportunity.” “A bawd and a murderer—“. “I don’t run whores, and I kill for a cause.”

“You see, every man is a safe, a vault of secrets and longings. Now, there are those that take the brute’s way, but I prefer a gentler approach—the right pressure applied at the right moment, in the right place. It’s a delicate thing.”

“I’m sure you’ve heard the stories.” “Each more grotesque than the last.” Brekker’s hands were stained with blood. Brekker’s hands were covered in scars. Brekker had claws and not fingers because he was part demon. Brekker’s touch burned like brimstone—a single brush of bare skin caused your flesh to whither and die. “Pick one. They’re all true enough.”

Kaz was not a giddy boy smiling and making plans for a future with her. He was a dangerous player who was always working an angle.

“Please, my darling Inej, treasure of my heart, won’t you do me the honor of acquiring me a new hat?”

Brick by brick. It was a promise that let him sleep at night, the drove him everyday, that kept Jordie’s ghost at bay.

Kaz’s servant, greed, luring them South like a piper with a flute in hand.

“Being angry at Kaz for being ruthless is like being angry at a stove for being hot. You know what he is.”

“I wouldn’t trust you to tie my shoes without stealing the laces.”

Matthias knew monsters, and one glance at Kaz had told him this was a creature who had spent too long in the dark—he’d brought something back with him when he’d crawled into the light.

“The easiest way to steal a man’s wallet is to tell him you’re going to steal his watch. You take his attention and direct it where you want it to go.”

“You can’t spend his money if you’re dead.” “I’ll acquire expensive habits in the afterlife.”

“I don’t want to die.” “I’ll do my best to make other arrangements for you.”

“You came back for me.” “I protect my investments.” Investments. “I’m glad I’m bleeding all over your shirt.”

Matthias suspected that Brekker would drag the girl back from hell himself if he had to.

He’d gifted her her first blade, the one she called Sankt Petyr—not as pretty as wild geraniums, but more practical.

“Kaz told me...he said it was my choice, that he wouldn’t be the one to mark me again.”

Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to your for two days.

He needed to know she believed in him.

“What to do you want, then?” The old answers came easily to mind. Money. Vengeance. Jordie’s voice in my head silenced forever. But a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome. You, Inej. You.

Kaz would always remember that moment, when he’d seen greed take hold of his brother, an invisible hand guiding him forward, the lever at work.

There could be no judgement from a boy known as Dirtyhands.

“Let’s say the mark is a tourist walking through the barrel. He’s heard it’s a good place to get rolled, so he keeps patting his wallet, making sure it’s there, congratulating himself on just how alert and cautious he’s being. No fool he. Of course every time he pats his back pocket or front of his coat, what’s he doing? He’s telling every thief on the Stave exactly where he keeps his scrub.”

It was because she was listening so closely that she knew the exact moment when Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the bastard of the barrel and the deadliest boy in Ketterdam, fainted.

He’d heard there were sharks in these waters but they wouldn’t touch him. He was a monster now, too.

He’d imagined his death a thousand ways, but never sleeping through it.

It was as if once Kaz had seen her, he’d understood how to keep seeing her.

“If it were a trick, I’d promise you safety. I’d offer you happiness. I don’t know if that exists in the barrel, but you’ll find none of it with me.” Better terrible truths than kind lies.

He knew he was being reckless, selfish, but wasn’t that why they called him Dirtyhands? No job too risky. No deed too low. Dirtyhands would see the rough work done.

A good magician wasn’t much different than a proper thief.

She could see it took every last bit of his terrible will to remain still beneath her touch. And yet, he did not pull away. She knew it was the best he could offer. It was not enough.

“Some people see a magic trick and say, ‘Impossible!’ They clap their hands, turn over their money, and forget about it ten minutes later. Other people ask how it worked. They go home, get into bed, toss and turn, wondering how it was done. It takes them a good nights sleep to forget all about it. And then there are the ones who stay awake, running through the trick again and again, looking for the skip in perception, the crack in the illusion that will explain how their eyes got duped; they’re the kind who won’t rest until they’ve mastered that little bit of mystery for themselves. I’m that kind”

“You love trickery.” “I love puzzles. Trickery is just my native tongue.”

“Do you know the secret to gambling, Helvar? Cheat.”

There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not been healed wrong. There was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.

Her eyes were shut, her oil-black lashes fanned over her cheeks. The harbor wind had lifted her dark hair, and for a moment Kaz was a boy again, sure that there was magic in the world. She’d laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and gotten drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.

You’ve cheated death too many times. Greed may do your bidding, but death serves no man.

He needed to tell her...what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn’t pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her.

“Saints, Kaz, you actually look happy.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped. But there was no mistaking it. Kaz Brekker was grinning like an idiot.

“I can hear the change in Kaz’s breathing whenever he looks at you.” “You...you can?” “It catches every time, like he’s never seen you before.”

“How will you have me? Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch? I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.”

“I’m not big on bluffing, am I, Inej?” “Not as a rule.” “And why is that?” “Because he’d rather cheat.”

Inej wanted Kaz to become someone else, a better person, a gentler thief. But that boy had no place here. That boy ended up starving in an alley. He ended up dead. That boy couldn’t get her back. I’m going to get my money, and I’m going to get my girl.

“A proper thief is like a proper poison. He leaves no trace.”

There were no good men in Ketterdam, Kaz said. The climate didn’t agree with them.

“If you don’t care about money, Nina dear, call it by it’s other names.” “Kruge? Scrub? Kaz’s one true love?” “Freedom, security, retribution.”

“It’s pragmatic. If I were cruel, I’d give him a eulogy instead of a conversation.”

“You haven’t been alive long enough to rack up your share of sin.” “I’m a quick study.”

Patience, he reminded himself. He’d practiced it early and often. Patience would bring all his enemies to their knees in time.

“You’ve got the devil’s own blood in you, boy.”

Kaz was going to have to find a new language of suffering to teach that smug merch son of a bitch.

“I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together—knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.”

“My mother is Ketterdam. She birthed me in the harbor. My father is profit. I honor him daily.”

Desperate for some sign that he might open himself to her, that they could be more than two creatures united by their distrust of the world.

They could continue on with their armor intact. She would have her ship and he would have his city.

Sure, a lock was like a woman. It was also like a man and anyone or anything else—if you wanted to understand it, you had to take it apart and see how it worked. If you wanted to master it, you had to learn it so well you could put it back together.

He always liked returning to a home or business he’d had cause to visit before. It wasn’t just the familiarity. It was as if by returning, he laid claim to a place. We know each other’s secrets, the house seemed to say. Welcome back.

“When people see a cripple walking down the street, leaning on his cane, what do they feel? They feel pity. Now, what do they think when they see me coming?” “They think they’d better cross the street.”

“We can endure a lot of pain. It’s shame that eats men whole.”

“I don’t hold a grudge. I cradle it. I coddle it. I feed it fine cuts of meat and send it to the best schools. I nurture my grudges, Rollins.”

It was as if Kaz had a secret map of Ketterdam that showed the city’s forgotten spaces.

“I’ve taken knives, bullets, and too many punches to count, all for a little piece of this town. This is the city I bled for. And if Ketterdam has taught me anything, it’s that you can always bleed a little more.”

Was Johannus Rietveld meant to be his Jakob Hertzoon? Or had it been some way of resurrecting the family he’d lost? Did it even matter?

“I wreak all the havoc I can until my luck runs out, use our haul to build an empire.” “And after that?” “Who knows? Maybe I’ll burn it to the ground.”

Tell her to get out, a voice inside him demanded. Beg her to stay.

Kaz thought he knew the language of pain intimately, but this ache was new. It hurt to stand here like this, so close to the circle of her arms.

“These things don’t wash away with prayer, Wraith. There is no peace waiting for me, no forgiveness, not in this life, not in the next.”

Two of the deadliest people the barrel had to offer and they could barely touch each other without both keeling over.

A black glass boy of deadly edges.

A bit of entertainment, the dramatic end of Kaz Brekker, the humbling of Dirtyhands. But this was no cheap comedy. It was a bloody rite, and Per Haskell had let the congregation gather, never realizing the real performance had yet to begin. Kaz stood upon his pulpit, wounded, bruised, and ready to preach.

“You have two minutes to get out of my house, old man. This city’s price is blood, and I’m happy to pay with yours.”

“What is wrong with him,” Nina grumbled. “Same thing that’s always wrong with him. He’s Kaz Brekker.”

“Rich men want to believe they deserve every penny they’ve got, so they forget what they owe to chance. Smart men are always looking for loopholes. They want an opportunity to game the system. The toughest mark is an honest man. Thankfully, they’re always in short supply.”

“Well, Brekker, it’s obvious you only deal in half truths and outright lies, so you’re clearly the man for the job.”

“What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?” “Who’s Jordie?” “Someone I trusted. Someone I didn’t want to lose.”

He put his gloves back on and didn’t take them off. He became twice as ruthless, fought twice as hard. He stopped worrying about seeming normal, let people see a glimmer of the madness within him and let them guess at the rest.

The rage inside him burned on and he learned to despise people who complained, who begged, who claimed they’d suffered. Let me teach you what pain looks like, he would say, and then he’d paint a picture with his fists.

That was what destroyed you in the end: the longing for something you could never have.

“I will kill you, Brekker. I will kill everything you love.” “The trick is not to love anything.”

“Suffering is like anything else. Live with it long enough, you learn to like the taste.”

She smiled then, her eyes red, her cheeks scattered with some kind of dust. It’s a smile he thought he might die to earn again.

“He doesn’t say goodbye. He just lets go.”

“Ketterdam is made of monsters. I just happen to have the longest teeth.”

#soc #kaz brekker #quotes

[rolanberry-rebel]

LFRP/Bio: Lissa

I figured I’d do an updated version of this, add a little more info and pizazz.~

Name: Anylissa Sebastis Nicknames: Lissa, Liss; Anny only if you want to get on her bad side. Race: Hyur (midlander) Age: 22 Gender: Cis female Orientation: pansexual Relationship status: Single Profession: Singer, dancer, spoiled dilettante

Height: 5′3″ Weight: 118lbs. Eyes: Dark blue Hair: Black with (artificial) purple-red highlights Skin: Fair, softly sunkissed Build: Petite, more bottom than top Scars/marks/tattoos: small beauty mark near her left eye, and a teensy pair of berries tattooed on her left hip. (Don't tell her parents.) Fashion/accessories: Fun, cute and ostentatious, with lots of gold, lots of jewels, lots of silly accessories and lots of her favorite colors, vivid violets and rolanberry reds. Prefers light fabrics with plenty of skin, in contrast to the stuffy gowns and expensive dresses she has to wear to family functions. Has a whole closet full of shoes and a cupboard full of jewelry and eyeglasses, which she doesn’t actually have to wear for eyesight, but likes to as a fashion accessory.

Birthplace: La Noscea Residence: Her family’s estate, near Wineport Alignment: Chaotic good Hobbies: Singing, dancing, modeling, partying, going to clubs and dive bars, hanging around with the wrong crowd, petty crime, making friends, frivolous spending on pretty clothes, jewelry and accessories, reading fun adventure and romance books Likes: Fun, money, physical activity, art, exciting new experiences, jokes and good-humored people, getting into trouble, free spirits, creative minds, beauty and beautiful things Dislikes: Her family (except for her brothers Riverton and Octavius), ponderous bores, philosophical or stuffy academic conversation, social expectations and high society, religion, emotional ugliness, dishonesty and scheming Personality: Flighty, flirty, loud; silly, chatty, loves to laugh; fast-paced and deeply unserious. Sweet with a side of playful and bratty. Always looking for fun; life of the party, loves to be the center of attention. Kind but immature; air-headed but not naive. Doesn't like applying herself, prefers to have fun. The kind of girl who takes a grumpy and unfashionable friend to the markets to play dress-up and takes lots of selfies along the way, and no matter how annoying she is, you can't help but crack a smile. Virtues: Quick to make friends; she’ll be your friend even if you don’t want her to be, and she’ll come through even if you’re stubborn about it. Always kind. Creatively talented, has a natural skill for music and rhythm especially. A faint affinity for magic, though raw and uncultivated. The Sebastis family blood gives her a streetwise cunning and intuition; you’ll have a hard time getting away with lying to her. Extremely generous; she’s always the one to cover the tab. Deeply loyal and kind-hearted. Bad habits: Laziness; gives up easily. A spendthrift who doesn’t know the value of a gilpiece. Has problems with commitment and responsibilities.Defiant, rebellious and insolent. Smokes, drinks to excess occasionally. Can be counted on to never finish what she starts. Often childish and sometimes needy. Short attention span. Terrible at any kind of fighting unless she gets to cheat.

Significant Other: As an heiress, Lissa’s family have had a spouse planned for her since she was a little girl, as a means of business negotiation. Lissa has no interest in the man and in fact has found him repellent in the few interactions she’s had with him. She has no plans to go marry him and is for all intents and purposes single. Children: None Family: A lot. I’ll have to write a more detailed profile for them eventually. Most relevant to her personally are:

Grandparents: Lissa’s only living grandparent is domineering family matriarch Eugenia Sebastis (nee Marshe), grandmother on her father’s side.

Parents: Cumberland and Marie-Arelle (nee Brattlebrough) Sebastis.

Brothers: Matthias, Riverton, Spaulding, and Octavius, and her brother-in-law Brunas Tiernach, married to her sister Allure.

Sisters: Allure Tiernach (nee Sebastis) and sister-in-law Brietha Sebastis (nee Verias).

Aunts, Uncles: She has many, but most important are her great-aunt Lucia Windholme, her father’s sisters Louisette and Bedelinda, her father’s brother Arvram, and her mother’s brother Tanner.

Cousins: Again, a lot, but notably her elder first cousin Chauncer (great-aunt Lucia’s son), whose Costa del Sol bungalow Lissa holes up in a lot, and her second-cousins Barnabath and Ava Donncaster, who she visits in Kugane fairly frequently.

Friends: A lot! I’ll write stories about a lot of the non-PC ones eventually, but she always loves having more. Always up for writing pre-existing friendships, too, if you wanna be one of them!

High society: If you're a part of, or well-acquainted with, the aristocratic side of Eorzean society, you've most likely heard of the Sebastis family. You may have even heard about the pretty and troublesome young scion of theirs, always bringing shame on the family name. High finance: Any character with a background in business or tradecraft or who has a good amount of wealth themselves has probably done some sort of business with Lissa's family or its proxies. Family business: Lissa has tons of family, all of them involved in various legit and shady business schemes across all of Hydaelyn. You may have encountered one of them - as friends, rivals, employees - and you might eventually parlay that into some sort of exchange with Cumberland Sebastis’s bratty younger daughter. il Mercenario: As it turns out, when you run a big family business, sometimes things get rough, and more often than not, it pays to have a few sturdy sellswords at your side. If you operate as a mercenary, particularly working inside La Noscea, you may find yourself hired to shadow or protect some billionaire berry-farmer's bratty daughter. Alternatively, you may have been hired by a shady business rival to, well, 'take care' of her. Drinks and dives: Sometimes you just want some peace, quiet, and a mug of the good stuff to yourself, right? There's no better place for that sort of local color than the scummiest holes-in-the-wall. But for some reason, some irritating girl keeps showing up at all your favorite watering holes, insistent on making herself life of the party... Low lives: You run a small gang, crime syndicate, or have a background in raising a firm little bit of hell. You're known and you might even be a tad feared by the underground. So why in the world is this loud-mouthed rich girl weaseling her way into your escapades? Who knows. Maybe she'll come in handy as a distraction or something. Fashionista: Talent can be so hard to come by, and even when you find it, in the fashion world you're bound to run into an unending stream of selfish divas. But hey, you need someone to show off your new spring threads, right? There just happens to be an heiress from Wineport with a knack for pretty clothes, pretty poses and a powerful strut. She might even be willing to give you some fashion advice of her own, too!

Hi! I’ve been RPing forever and I’m lookin for new friends!

Adult female OOCly who’s RPed in every game you can probably think of and happy RPing lots of themes/scene types so long as we talk about it beforehand.

Available at random times, usually late evenings EST. Will always try to respond to private messages here no matter when you send them though!

Discord: I’m not on there very much, but I know it’s become a big way for a lotta people to do most of their OOC communication/RP threads so I’m willing to get on there if you wanna talk!

In-game: Anylissa Sebastis (Balmung) or Kjalla Nisemi (Mateus)

I have another character, too, so if Lissa doesn’t seem like a great fit we can talk about stories/threads with my violent bunny mercenary Kjalla!

#ffxiv rp #lissa

[rebelwithacausesolveig]

Time Warp! (Matty)

Let’s do the time warp again! Send me “time warp” to meet a younger or older version of my muse!

@matthias-meijer [I couldn’t decide between past or future, so you get a 2 for 1! yay~ lol. Also, special honorable mentions; @katrienmeijer , @margaritaxromanova , plus a couple un-named] Obligatory disclaimer, I own none of these characters and this isn’t cannon unless unanimously decidedly so. 

The Past

Solveig’s hands trembled slightly as she looked at herself in the full length mirror. She’d been training her entire life to asses and take down threats but somehow talking to her best friend had her nerves frayed beyond repair. 

The king will be there.

Of course he would, she remind herself. He couldn’t risk the girl saying anything to his son that he didn’t want him to hear. Turning to the side Solveig lifted her shirt enough to show her abdomen. Still flat, lean, and muscular; she wondered how long it would take before she started showing. Another month would put her at the beginning of her second trimester, is that when? How long until she could find out if it was a little boy or girl? She could have easily found these things out online, but somehow Googling it made it too real to handle. No, she’d just wait until she got to Norway to ask her aunt about it. 

Putting on her most convincing smile she walked through the halls, doing her best to act like it was just another day. Maybe she wouldn’t even find Matthias in the palace and she could just leave without a word. That sounded easier, and it wasn’t forever, right? Just one year. 

A familiar voice pulled her from her worries and she had to pause to gather herself before turning to face him with a grin. “Little prince... I was wondering if I was going to be able to find you before I had to leave.” He didn’t look thrilled, but admittedly not as upset as Solveig expected. Then again, he didn’t really know the full story, just that she was spending a year abroad. 

It took everything Solveig had to keep her face passive as the king stepped out of the office behind his son. With Matthias’ back to him his eyes bored holes straight through the teenage girl. She hated the man with every fiber of her being. For threatening her family. For forcing her to lie to his son. For making it so that her own child would barely know her and never meet their father. As much as she hated him though, her fear of him was so much greater. Men like him were the reason she’d joined the rebellion when her father had told her about it months before on her sixteenth birthday. One day he’d be taken down a notch, and she hoped she got to personally see to it. 

“It will only be a year, and we can still text and face-time or whatever,” she added with a grin, pulling her attention back to Matthias. Standing on her tip toes she wrapped her arms around him. ‘Little Prince’ had been an ironic moniker for years now. “I promise to bring you back some cool souvenirs.” With that she pulled away before quickly pinching his cheek with a chuckle. “Maybe by the time I get back you will have gotten rid of some of this baby fat.” She was teasing of course, but whether he knew why or not, she needed something to lighten the mood. 

Giving a small wave and a lingering glance she left him there in the hall. Even as she re-treated she could feel the king’s eyes on her and it took everything she had not to run from him as quickly as possible. This was only one of the first battles in what would turn into a lifelong war of glares and veiled threats, but she wouldn’t let him win it. 

“Ms. Trulson.” Solveig stopped dead in her tracks and took a deep breath before wordlessly looking back at the monarch that had addressed her. “Have a safe trip.”

Solveig had to swallow hard, glad they were far enough away to not see the lump in her throat. He’d managed to make the phrase sound like more of a curse than a payer. Nodding in reply, she didn’t dare speak knowing her voice would be shaky.

---------

The Future

Solveig had to bite her tongue as the small girl tugged on her dress. 

“Mama! Maaaaamma~ Asy needs help. Maaaammaaaaa~ You have to come now! Asy needs help! C’mon, Mama! Mammaaaaa!”

Solveig loved the six year old with all her heart, but damn she knew how to be obnoxious. A trait, the blonde was adamant, that she got from her father. Not to mention today was already a whirlwind of stress and emotion to begin with and her youngest child’s constant talking wasn’t helping. 

“Okay.” Solveig finally caved, kneeling down to her daughter. “Shh, less volume please, Klara, and take deep breaths.” She waited a moment for the small child to calm down and catch her breath. “Okay, now tell me calmly, what does Astrid need help with.” 

“Um, there’s lots of buttons. And, um, she said something about pictures with you helping with her dress and, um, finding Matty....ummmm.” The small child’s eyes seemed to wander as she tried to remember. Solveig knew her daughter well enough to know she wasn’t getting anymore information out of her. Klara’s attention was gone for good. “Mama, I’m hungry.” Yup, there is was, she’d moved on to food. As was usual. 

“Your papa is through that door,” she said, spinning the girl to face the double doors to the sanctuary. “He has snacks in his pocket, go find him.” With a pat on the butt she watched the girl run off with a grin. There was still an hour until the ceremony, no need for Klara to sit around in the dressing room bored. 

Heading back to where her eldest child was she turned a corner and if she hadn’t been so light on her feet, would have run straight into Matthias. “Oh good, I was just going to come look for you. I am told you are needed, though perhaps my six-year-old is not the best source of reliable information,” she added with a grin. 

Taking a moment she looked him over. It was hard to believe they were both in their forties now, their accidental daughter only an hour away from getting married. The last eleven years since he’d found out about Astrid had been somewhat strained, their relationship had never fully recovered, but it had gotten better. She’d seen him a number of times after leaving Russia, especially after the then teenager had decided she wanted to split her living time between her mother and newly found father. He looked older now though, or perhaps just wiser. It seemed the stress of taking over the kingdom the pervious year had aged him some. His hair now speckled with gray and the lines in his shallow though prominent. He still had the same kind eyes though and she couldn’t help but return it as he smiled at her. 

He had children with Maggie now, and even Katrien had her own family. Though Solveig was still certain the girl had more adopted pets than children. It seemed like a lifetime ago that they’d all lived under one roof. Pushing the door to the room her daughter was holed up in open she nodded at Matthias. “After you, little...king? That will still take some getting used to,” she mused, following him in. 

Seeing her daughter made Solveig gasp. Of course she’d seen her in the dress at the fittings, but here with her hair and makeup done, she looked truly regal. Astrid was kindly directing her bridesmaids around the room though stopped as soon as her parents walked in; her eyes lighting up. 

“Mamma! Pappa! I wasn’t sure if Klara would actually relay the message.” The woman wrapped her arms around the two of them together. Solveig couldn’t help but notice it was the closest she’d been to Matthias in a while. “Okay, Mamma, we’re doing pictures with you buttoning my dress. Pappa, I want to get some with you too. Can someone please go find my little sisters, we need getting ready pictures. Then Pappa, I need you to take the photographer to where the boys are getting ready and make sure your son is with you. We need one with the groom and ring bearer.” Just like that Astrid was off on a whirlwind again before pausing  as a thought occurred to her. “Is Maggie not with you two? I want one of Maggie doing my buttons too.” She turned to a bridesmaid. “Anita, can you go find the Dutch queen please? And bring my little sisters back while you’re at it, all of them. Thank you.” Without another glance at the woman that was already moving Astrid started for the other side of the room. 

Solveig looked to Matthias, his brows raised as he took it in. Men weren’t usually privy to this part, though Solveig had to admit, Astrid was being much nicer right now than she’d been on her wedding day. “Come on,” she said with a grin, tugging him through the fray of moving women to an adjacent room that had been staged for pictures.  --- Solveig bent down, smoothing out Klara’s skirts. Not that they were in disarray, she just needed something to keep her busy. She heard the music start to play though and quickly took her place once more at the front of the processional. The groom was to escort the mother of the bride. So with Solveig back on one arm and Maggie on the other he took off. Glancing back quickly she tried to give Matthias a reassuring smile; he looked nervous. 

It had been last minute, but Astrid had decided to switch to Matthias escorting her instead of Solveig. A decision she’d backed entirely. He’d spent too long not knowing his daughter existed. Something Solveig still felt terrible about. The man waved back though just before she turned away and she felt tears sting the back of her eyes. No, things weren’t the way they had been growing up, but they were getting better. 

#Anonymous #meme answered #Matthias #AEJT #alterego #You Always Find the Best Part of Me || Matthias #Margarita #Where Are You? And I'm So Sorry || Maggie #katrien #I Love Your Precious Heart || Kat

[sebastien-le-booker]

I just finished reading six of crows, for the second time and despite the fact that i knew what was gonna happen, it still was a rollercoaster and my heart was broken and i cried and uuuuuuuuuuuurrrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgqhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so, i decided to make a post with my favorite quotes and parts. again, english is not my first language, the book is not in english, so some of the quotes will be translated by me and google translate.

Also, i decided to post this again bc it doesn’t show up in the tags anymore and it kinda took me a while to edit this because of how “amazing” tumblr works...

"We'll be kings and queens Inej. Kings and queens"

“I’m going to get my money, Kaz vowed. And I’m going to get my girl” 

Those 2 are probably my favorite and idk why but they are. the one with kings and queens just feels so full of hope and i loved how kaz said those words, i just absolutely love it.

and what got me at the second one, was the “I’m going to get my girl” Despite how difficult it is for him to admit his feelings for Inej, even to himself tbh, right now, nothing else matters but “his girl”. The money might matter, but i think that is more about the fact that he got screwed over and you don’t screw over Kaz, but it’s his girl that matters the most.

-

“Scheming face. Jesper whispered to Inej.  

She nodded. ‘Definitely”

From the same category “Kaz and his scheming face”

“Kaz looked south toward Ketterdam’s harbors. The beginnings of an idea scratched at the back of his skull, an itch, the barest inkling. It wasn’t a plan, but it might be the start of one. He could see the shape it would take—impossible, absurd, and requiring a serious chunk of cash.

‘Scheming face,’ murmured Jesper.

‘Definitely,’ agreed Wylan.”

  I love Jesper and Inej and now Wylan being familiar with Kaz scheming face, for me this is sort of like they paid enough attention to Kaz to know what some of his expressions mean and i love the part where it is described how an idea is starting to crawl inside Kaz head. I love it because it was mentioned a lot of the times how smart kaz is, and we see him talk about how he learnt all those tricks from the magicians and set up the plan for breaking into the ice court but now, it’s like we’re inside his brain and we slightly see how it works.

-

“Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”

“I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”

“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost. Matthias said primply, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain”

-

“’When we get our money, you can burn kruge to keep you warm.’

‘I'm going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me.’

‘Why don't you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kruge for you? That's what the big players do.’

‘Want me to tell you what real players do?’ Jesper said. ‘The pay someone to pay someone else to…’”

I love these scenes because they’re just sweet, casual moments between them and I’m wondering how many conversations like these did they have and how does a conversation like this sounds for an outsider dhsjldfjs

“’I’ll get us out. You know that.’

Tell me you know that. He needed her to say it. (...) He needed to know that she believed he could do this (...) He needed to know she believed in him.”

-

“He turned his head. They were sitting close together, their shoulders nearly touching. (...) he thought, What happens if i move closer?

‘I don’t want your prayers’ he said

‘What do you want, then?’

(...) a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, unwelcomed. You, Inej. You“

-

“Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days”

-

“You okay? Inej asked and Kaz felt himself drawn toward her voice like water rolling down hill.”

-

“Kaz took her hand.

‘Inej, he said, his finger stroking her wrist. ‘If we don’t get out alive tonight, I want you to know that…’

Inej was waiting. She felt hope opening its wings inside of her, ready to fly if Kaz would push it with the right words (…). She lifted her hand and touched Kaz cheek. (…) Inej cupped his cheek in her palm.

‘If we don’t get out of here alive, I’ll die with no regrets, Kaz. Can you say the same thing?’

She could see it took every last bit of his terrible will for him to remain still beneath her touch. And yet, he did not pull away. She knew it was the best he could offer”

-

"He had felt horror and compulsion, but in spite of the chaos that had taken over them, he had also felt a desire that had remained imprinted in his soul, the hope that it would touch him again."

-

“’You shouldn’t make friends with crows.’

‘Why not?’

He’d looked up from his desk to answer, but whatever he’d been about to say had vanished on his tongue.

The sun was out for once, and Inej had turned her face to it. Her eyes were shut, her oil-black lashes fanned over her cheeks. The harbor wind had lifted her dark hair, and for a moment Kaz was a boy again, sure that there was magic in this world.

‘Why not?’ she’d repeated, eyes still closed.

He said the first thing that popped into his head. ‘They don’t have any manners.’

‘Neither do you, Kaz.’ She’d laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and got drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.”

-

“Kaz seized her hand, keeping it on the railing. He didn’t look at her. ‘Stay,’ he said, his voice rough stone. ‘Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me.’

He took a breath. ‘I want you to stay. I want you to … I want you.’

‘You want me.’ She turned the words over. Gently, she squeezed his hand. ‘And how will you have me, Kaz?’

‘How will you have me?’ she repeated. ‘Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch?’

Speak, she begged silently. Give me a reason to stay. For all his selfishness and cruelty, Kaz was still the boy who had saved her. She wanted to believe he was worth saving, too.”

-

“But he could think only about Inej. Inej had to live. She must’ve escaped the Ice Court. And if she hadn’t, Kaz had to survive to save her”

  All of these are all the moments they could have confessed their feelings for each other and some of the moments Kaz thought that Inej is the reason for which the sun still rises and there’s still some good left in the world. Poor boy is trying really hard sometimes but considering the things he’s been through it’s understandable that he doesn’t know how to say how he feels and that he’s probably afraid. But I also understand Inej and why she said “and how will you have me kaz? Fully clothed with your gloves on?” she wants more than what kaz can offer her at the moment but at the same time she also doesn’t exactly blame him and understands that it’s what he can right now.

Honestly, Kaz is “an idiot sandwich”, unable of showing appreciation like a functional person, but I think, the fact that he lets Inej into her office to feed the crows, or takes off his gloves and shirt when she’s around, it shows how much trust there is between them and understanding. I know they’re not perfect, but I love them both as individual characters and how they are together.

-

I love the hints to shadow and bone trilogy like:

“I could read to you if i had anything to read. There’s a Heartrender at the Little Palace who can recite epic poetry for hours. Then you’d wish you had died.”

We all know this is about Tolya, who I love very much and I love how everyone seems to be annoyed by his poems and makes them wanna die just so they won’t have to hear them, but that doesn’t stop him.

Or, how Nina says that people in Ravka are starting to question the existence of the saints and that maybe they were just some powerful Grisha bc look at Sankta Alina… she was no saint and she had the same thought about the saints after finding out that Sankt Ilya was just a Grisha.

-

“Toffee?

Her eyes slid away guilty. ‘Kaz said to pack what we needed for the journey. ‘A girl has to eat”

My girl considers toffee as being essentials and I couldn’t agree more with her. I’ll forever be grateful for having a character like Nina.

-

“I can tell you’ve never picked a pocket.’

‘And i can tell you’ve never given enough thought to your haircut. Kaz frowned and ran a self-conscious hand along the side of his head ‘There’s nothing wrong with my haircut that can’t be fixed by four million kruge”

Idk what I think it’s funnier, Nina picking up on Kaz hair or him being embarrassed by it. She knew how her words would affect kaz and she went for it

-

“Inej heard a grunt and then a loud whump as Nina hit the bottom of the shaft like a sack of laundry. Inej winced”

“ Jesper like a limber insect, Wylan in stops and starts, wiggling like a caterpillar trying to make its way out of a cocoon.”

Yeah, ok Inej, sorry not all of us are as good as you at landings and jumping from buildings and all of that… I love that both of these are from Inej pov because this is her thing and she notices

-

“We'll see what's in store for us tonight, Matthias thought. It's true that tricks are not my language, but I might learn them in the end. "

Uhm… is this the moment this boy started to accept that the Dregs are not That bad and being anything other than a Fjerdan and living your life slightly differently isn’t a crime? *growth*

.-

“’And you're right. I have no right to judge you.’

‘Don't start doing this.’

‘What?’

‘Agree with me. It's a sure way to dying.’

‘I don't like the idea of killing people, either. I don't even like chemistry.’

‘What do you like?’

‘Music. Numbers. Equations. They're not like words. They ... they don't get mixed up.’

‘If only you could talk to girls in equations.’

There was a long silence, and then, eyes trained on the notch they'd created in the link, Wylan said, ‘Just girls?’

Jesper restrained a grin. ‘No. Not just girls.’ It really was a shame they were all probably going to die tonight.”

Two things, Jepser, honey, Wylan will start agreeing with you and it will not lead to anything bad but actually something beautiful called love and you will spend the rest of your lives together and will be happy and in love for the rest of time.

Second thing, I love the “what a shame we could die tonight cause you and I could have so much fun together, oh boy, you’ve got no idea, the things we could do”

-

“Had he just killed two of his kind? Jesper had only wanted to survive. He thought of tthe banner on the wall, all those strips of red, blue and purple. He felt dizzy and confused. He knew the others were counting on him. He had to move on. But he felt that he had left a part of him in the yard, something he had not even known was important to him, something impalpable like fog. "

This made me cry so hard because, yes, Jesper has problems, it’s obvious from the first moment he’s introduced, but I don’t think he’s entirely aware of his problems and if he is, he is avoiding them and I don’t think he actually tries to understand why he enjoys the things that he does. In this scene, tho he is actually affected by what’s happening, he is visibly shaken up. He is a lot of things and I think this is the moment that he actually understands what his power means, why the other Grisha are choosing to use their powers and fight against the people that want to hurt them for their powers and that simply choosing not to use his powers, deny that he’s a Grisha, maybe is not an option anymore.

#six of crows #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #nina zenik #wylan van eck #matthias helvar #soc mine

[widcwed-rasa]

Note: this is part of Rasa’s now annual tradition to write her feelings out and “speak” to her deceased husband through letters she seals and hides away. Nobody knows about their existence. Read it at your discretion.

Khatanga - October 24th, 2120.

My dearest husband,

Two days have passed since the anniversary of your death, and this year has been turbulent, to say the least. After years of watching my parents giving me sideways glances and whispering things behind my back when they thought I was out of earshot, I decided it was finally time for me to go away. They've been pressuring me to come out of my shell for so long that I believed giving them what they wanted would mean I would get a break. I was wrong.

This Khatanga experiment seems fucked up if you ask me. I understand why our parents are concerned about our safety, but throwing us all in the same place didn't sound like the smartest idea. I wish you could be here with me. You would understand what I'm talking about, though I can't say there haven't been interesting moments. I won't get ahead of myself here. Let me try to recount things as chronologically as I can.

Ausra and I made our way here together. I suppose our parents either assumed the two of us together would make this transition easier on me, or they decided she was ready to be pushed into a marriage. Whichever scenario, the result will probably be the same. And since Daina has recently arrived here as well, I imagine we'll soon all be facing the same circumstance, but so far, it's just been me.

I guess one of the first few things that happened after we arrived was stumbling into Maggie one night. You remember her, right? She's been a little crestfallen over the idea of seeing Matthias around here more often than anyone would have wished to see their ex. It's understandable, and her feelings are valid, I just don't know why anyone would make her suffer. To make matters worse, I believe Matty might be oblivious to it, which kinda makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. They don't have a clue how lucky they are that things ended when they did. I keep telling people that love brings nothing but pain. Nobody believes me. No one ever seems to comprehend why I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've just been trying to warn them. Nevertheless, I did for Maggie what any good friend should do. Actually, maybe I've done a bit more than that, but you know me. I cannot see a pretty girl upset without lending them a helping hand— or whatever else they might require. You'll be glad to hear that we have rekindled our estranged friendship, and now it's probably at the best point it's ever been.

I think it might have been at the end of May. Or was it the beginning of June?! I can't remember it too well. Anyway, it was just shortly after our arrival as well when I received a letter from mama with news that would change my life forever. Not right away, no, because I preferred to block it all out and pretend it had never happened. I thought if I could simply ignore it, therefore it couldn't be true. My world of fantasy crumbled just weeks later, and, as usual, it happened in the worst way possible.

When I agreed to come to Russia, I thought my parents would allow me a breathing moment without having to hear about my next marriage. It's still too weird to consider it, or the fact that it's really in motion. Overall, I'm surprised they managed to find a family that was willing to take me in as their daughter. Let's be honest, the past couple of years have been far from my most gracious times, and it's not as if I'm making any effort to change that. So why? Why would anyone want to associate their son with someone like me? My therapist would say I put myself down as self-sabotage. Well, I never saw her in any great rush to marry me and prove me wrong!

Anyway, my parents have been able to settle the terms of my betrothal with Eamon O'Rourke of Ireland. He's not the first in line for the throne— thank goodness for that! Can you imagine what it would be like if I were the queen of any place? —, he's younger than I am by a few years— his twin sister is one of Ausra's best friends. Maybe I should try to see if she's involved in this somehow —, and he has this shocking head of red hair that's pretty much the first thing you ever notice about him. It seems a little bit like Ausra's hair, but with a little more of an orange undertone, like the sky during sunset after a long period of drought. And... I slept with his older brother a few years ago, a piece of information he took surprisingly well, I might add.

As it habitually happens to me, when we met, or more accurately, when he snuck up on me, I made a fool out of myself. First impressions have never been my forte. You would find the entire thing hilarious, and the problem is: so did I. Not hilarious, or funny, but you know I have this proclivity for smiling or laughing when I get nervous, and I laughed for long minutes. It probably felt even longer for him. He deserves someone a tad more tactful. Instead, he got stuck with me. Eventually, we sorted that out. We seem to have a lot of dark things in common. The sort of things that would make most people run for the hills without ever looking back. If he hasn't found a deal-breaker in the past couple of days, there's a chance all this darkness in me isn't triggering to him, and this wedding might end up happening. I'm scared. And don't give me one of those bullshit speeches about facing our fears. I want to be able to chicken out like the good coward that I am.

Since our meeting was far from ideal, I thought it called for reparation. So I looked for him during the masquerade event so we might have more of a chance to talk and get to know one another. We drank and asked a bunch of questions. As it turns out, we both prefer to live in the country, and we might move to Italy after we're married, and his sister also is. Oh, and he's a cat person. Do you think I could have a cat...? Our drinking game went better than I thought it would. Maybe it could be our thing.

While here, I also had the chance to spend more time around Maggie's brother, Ivan. Nothing about our rendezvous was expected, and I must say it took a peculiar turn. Maggie invited me for tea one afternoon, but she didn't show. Instead, Ivan came around for the same reason: meeting his sister there. We quickly came to the conclusion it wasn't an accident that we were both there. Maggie had pulled those strings. I'm still not sure why. Perhaps Ivan got to the bottom of that situation, and I should ask him. The idea of spending my afternoon sipping tea with someone I barely knew wasn't among my favorite activities, and I doubt it figured among his as well. There were probably more interesting things a crown prince could be doing, but him producing a flask of whatever booze from a pocket helped with our bonding process. Immensely. With a snap of the fingers, we became acquainted with the other one's flirtatious sides, building up a tension I didn't even know existed between us. He instigated my curiosity, and I hate to admit that he had me hanging on every word just to see what would follow. I'd like to think stumbling into me also wasn't the most conventional thing that's ever occurred to him. There might be some other buttons to push or undo there. I don't know which ones yet, and I might be willing to go ahead and do that. Eventually. It's something that will come to me.

Now, let me circle back to the masquerade ball we had... So many things happened. I don't even know where to start. A few days before the party, we received letters telling us that the organization had picked out dates for everyone. f I already had my doubts about attending, giving me an obligation while I was at it wasn't how anyone would convince me I would have a nice time. My pair for the evening was Prince Callister from Greece. A very superman sort of man. Seriously, the guy looks like some artisan sculpted him in marble. As polite as polite could be. In fact, if politeness ever had a picture in the dictionary, he would be there with a smile upon his face. After fulfilling our mandatory duty, I didn't want to keep him for longer. Life's too short for us not to do what we want to do, and the man is clearly besotted with his fiancée. What a rookie mistake. Therefore, he wasn't my type.

After I freed Callister from his obligation, I sought for things I could do while I was still there, otherwise, the evening would have been a waste of my time and a beautiful dress— Oh my God, I sounded just like Day! Never tell her that! —although terrible shoes. It was how I came across the Devil. Or, well, that's how he first introduced himself, and it led to such a frustrating experience.

He invited me to dance. I could never turn down something like that. Especially not when it already felt like something I hadn't done in forever. So we danced, and we talked, and we teased enough to feel like maybe we should have been doing something other than just dancing. We kissed, and things heated up quickly. The way he was touching me made it clear he wanted more. I wanted more. Unfortunately, being too honest sometimes has its problems. I told him there was a lot about the past couple of years that I couldn't remember, and he decided to use that information against me so he could leave me wanting more. He told me that was the best way to make sure someone was memorable. Can you believe that?! He dared me to find him afterward, which would be a lot easier if we had exchanged names or anything like that. Now I'm stuck with a vague sense of recognition, a challenge, and curiosity. It's terrible!

You will be proud to hear that I've made a new friend. And, of course, that happened in the least predictable way possible. She drenched the hem of my skirts with champagne. She was mortified when it happened. I was more along the lines of amused. Sure, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have found it as endearing if she wasn't stunning. And those eyes... Those eyes, I tell you. They look like they're staring right into your soul. Sarika is a sweet woman, and she's also been through a lot. No wonder we seemed to attract each other. There might be a couple of things I could teach her as well, after all, I've been doing this mourning thing for eight years now. I've picked up some stuff here and there. If people want to give me those pity eyes, the least they should expect is for me to use that for something. This can't just be the kind of situation in which only I lose. Sometimes we need to try leveling that playfield, and it's something I know I can help her. We might be the only ones who are truly able to understand how the other feels. She was even willing to be here with me when I just wanted the whole world to be gone. I like her. I'm keeping her.

The masquerade had some intriguing twists and turns, but I suppose running into Valentin of Austria had a riveting turn out. Maybe I've read him completely wrong from our first few meetings. When we first crossed paths back in spring, he seemed like the sort of man who held back a lot. He always seemed to dodge and skirt around things he truly wanted to do, and I don't know why he'd have such reservations. Anyway, I convinced him to steal a bottle of booze for us to share. It didn't take a lot of persuading, which is probably what led me to believe there are things he wants to do, but he's reluctant. During the event, when I saw him, there were two things he wanted to do: go up on stage and sing and kiss me. I wasn't going to wait and see whether I win or lose a bet to kiss someone, so I did just that before he even had the chance to finish his proposition. Still, he went on stage anyway for his rendition of Britney Spears. I thought it was an odd choice, but it isn't my place to judge. My karaoke songs aren't what others would call conventional either. Maybe I was a little upset over the fact that he had already gotten the girl, but I had to cut my losses. When does life ever go the way I want it anyway?! He sang. We kissed. It was a win-win situation. Making out with him had unanticipated results, and he was far more willing to move past the boundaries of decency than I thought he'd be. Sure, he first freaked me out when he talked to me about love, but once we pushed past that obstacle, everything was great. He might turn into a friend with benefits. We'll see.

I saw Eamon again the other day. You know how I tend to shut myself in around this time of the year, and there are far more people here than I would have wanted to deal with when I'm in my right state of mind. When everything goes south, I push everyone away. I can be especially hard to handle during those episodes, and it was worse when I felt suffocated in a place where so many people seemed to have such easy access to me. So I bribed a maid to give me the location of a spot most people wouldn't think of looking for me: Eamon's room. Most people know how I feel about our contract betrothal. Ausra's still under the assumption our meeting went fabulously wrong— I'll tell her about it eventually —so no one would have reason to look for me there. I had already been there before a few times. He was never there. It was just a calm place for me to be when the world became too much. I don't generally touch anything, just sit or lie down in the most complete silence until my demons are appeased, and I feel like circling back to my room. But this time, he showed up while I was at it. I cannot begin to imagine how odd it must have been for him to open that door and find a woman he'd met like yesterday sobbing on his bed. It's hard to tell how he'll respond to what he encountered now that he's had the time to process everything, so I suppose I'll just have to wait to find out what the future has in store there.

I feel like this concludes my reports on the most impressive things that have happened to me lately, which means we're reaching the end of this.

I'll see you whenever I have more things to tell, well, you know how this goes.

Truthfully,

Rasa.

P.S.: I saw a man with his daughter the other day. She’s seven. That seems to have brought me way too many feelings I wasn’t prepared for. So, fuck you very much for putting the plans of having children inside my head all those years ago.

#{These things I'll never say || letters} #{How do I get closer to you when you keep it all on mute || Ausra} #tbt:Daina #tbt:Eamon #tbt:Ivan #tbt:Maggie #tbt:Matthias #tbt:Valentin #{For the record it's between you and I || Gio} #{But now we're rocking on the dance floor acting naughty || Sarika} #tbt:Callister #tbt:Theo

[fanonorcanon]

Dorian & M!Trevelyan

Dorian pressed his lips against the Inquisitor’s. Matthias Traveleyan had been smitten with Dorian for nearly a year, though he had been certain that he was only seen as a necessary annoyance, until now anyway. Matthias often dragged Dorian along on expeditions to very unpleasant locations, yearning to spend just a little more time with him.

Cole had read Matthias easily, months ago even, but had been sworn to secrecy. Matthias tried his damndest to push his feelings for Dorian to the back of his mind. Cole had reassured Matthias that no one else knew. Save for perhaps Iron Bull and Leliana whom he believed would not betray his confidence.

Another time, another life maybe, he often thought that that would be the only way he'd have a chance with someone as amazing as Dorian Pavus. A few times he’d indulge himself with fantasies of running away with Dorian, maybe go back with him to Tevinter after all this was over. Residing with him side by side as equals instead of being strong armed back to a Circle or something worse.

Dorian backed him into the wall and grabbed Matthias’ hand by the wrist and placed it against his ass. Dorian’s fantastic ass. Matthias’ eyes slid closed as Dorian kissed and nibbled at his neck. Matthias tried to hold back the cries that laid at the back of his tongue.

“Dorian,” he groaned. “I can't, if you don't stop-” Matthias shivered as Dorian's palm ground against his cock.

“Pedicabo ego uos et irrumabo,” Dorian murmured, his breath hot against Matthias’ neck. He could only parse out a few words but he was certain it was something filthy.

“Dorian, please. I'm gonna cum,” Matthias whimpered.

“Promises, promises,” Dorian chuckled and kissed him once more. He untied the laces of Matthias’ trousers and wrapped his hand around his cock.

After a single touch of his fingers to bare skin Matthias curled in on himself as he came into Dorian’s cupped hand. Dorian made a show of licking his fingers a little then pushed them into Matthias’ open mouth.

When the sound of blood rushing in Matthias’ ears quieted and he’d loosened his tight grip at Dorian’s shirt he heard the man laughing.

“So quick?” Dorian asked.

Matthias frowned and pushed Dorian away angrily then tied his pants closed. “It was my first time with someone,” he whispered feeling completely mortified and more than a little foolish.

“Ever?” Dorian asked incredulously.

Matthias nodded and Dorian spat a curse.

“I'm sorry, you took me by surprise. I would have told you-” Matthias began, desperate to grasp some scrap of his dignity. He could almost hear the rumors now.

“Matthias,” Dorian sighed and interrupted Matthias’ rapid descent into self pity. “You have nothing to apologize for. It only made me desire you more if I'm being honest. I'm not sure I can explain it, but your inexperience is… I find it very endearing. And that’s not usually something I find interest in. Surely you would have heard the gossip of the evil Tevinter Altus that corrupts innocent men if I did.” Dorian pressed their forehead together and chuckled a bit breathlessly. “We can start over if you like.”

“I've liked you for some time, Dorian.”

“How could you not?”

“I'm serious!”

“I know,” he whispered fondly.

“My feelings for you are serious, I don't want something temporary. But you always seemed so annoyed with me. I thought you disliked me,” Matthias said.

“I'm not sure you're aware of your many charms, Matthias. You're very kind and quite irresistible. I wasn't sure if an indecent man like myself-” Dorian began, his mind straying to a time he rarely reflected upon fondly.

“Dorian!” Matthias scowled. “There's nothing wrong with you. You're not indecent. I respect you a great deal and I think the world of you.” Matthias’ face grew red under the scrutiny of Dorian's gaze.

“I fear I may disappoint you, Matthias.”

“Never. You could never disappoint me.”

...

The door to the Inquisitor’s quarters slammed open and footsteps were heard stomping up the stairs.

“Matthias!” Dorian growled.

“Yes?” He asked warily.

“Is this some sort of game for you, to toy with my affections? You tell me that you're interested in something serious then never come to see me. Nor have you requested my presence. You regularly refuse my invitations and yesterday you told me not to accompany you on an expedition. And what is that behind your back?”

“Um, I was making something for you.” Matthias tried even harder to hide it. It wasn't finished, and even if it was he felt embarrassed to give something so homespun to someone as flashy and grand as Dorian.

“Oh. Well show me then.” He frowned.

“Promise me you won't laugh.” Matthias flushed a beautiful shade of pink beneath his freckle covered skin. He presented Dorian with the flower crown he'd made.

“Daisies and violets?” He asked and raised a brow.

“And clover. I went out yesterday to look for them, and I found a spell to preserve them. It won't last forever but I thought that anything was better than it only lasting for a day.”

Dorian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as if to fend off a headache. “Must you be so infuriatingly sweet? How am I supposed to be mad at you now? You with your ridiculously attractive body. Really though, how often are you mistaken for a warrior with those muscles?” He asked exasperatedly.

Matthias set down the flower crown. His blush had persisted throughout Dorian's tirade, if anything growing brighter. “It wasn't my intention to make you feel unwanted. I apologize for my error. I’d hoped to learn how to impress you in some way before growing more intimate, but love isn't something that I have any experience with. I'd had infatuations before, there were men in the Circle but I was too shy to approach them. And I didn't wish to embarrass my family by being caught in a compromising position,” he confessed. His posture was slouched, his tall muscular frame appearing smaller somehow. Perhaps he was used to trying to take up the least amount of space possible.

“And now?” Dorian asked, pushing up Matthias’ chin with a finger.

“I don't care what they think,” Matthias declared defiantly.

“Love, hm?”

“If you'll allow it.”

“How exactly were you going to learn to impress me? I am genuinely curious. Were you planning on asking someone like Iron Bull for tips?”

“No.” Matthias’ voice was petulant.

“Then how, amatus?” Dorian asked imperiously.

“I read things,” he replied.

“What sorts of things?” Dorian smirked.

“Things,” Matthias huffed.

“Will you not tell me?” Dorian teased and watched as Matthias attempted to sputter out a reply. He took pity and kissed his neck. Matthias shuddered in Dorian's embrace. “I'm not a nice man, Matthias.”

“What do you mean?” he asked and frowned in disbelief.

“I mean that I want to ravage you.” His voice spoke of restrained desire.

“Is that what you said before? When y-you?” Matthias stammered.

“When I shoved my hand down your trousers and you came before I could even get my mouth around you?”

Matthias nodded.

“No.”

“What did you say?

“That I want to fuck your ass and make you suck my cock.”

“Oh,” Matthias said, the shock evident on his face. Dorian leaned back and grasped Matthias’ hands in his.

“If you want to take it slow, we can.”

“Thank you, Dorian.”

“Just know that I’ll also be spending countless nights thinking of you while I’m in bed, alone, under the blankets.”

“Oh Maker, who told you?” Matthias cried and covered his face.

“Cole. He’s not very good at keeping secrets, is he?”

“And after he swore he’d not tell anyone! I’m never going near him again. If I don’t then he can’t read me, right? Is that how it works?”

“I don’t think that will work unless you can somehow fade into whatever sort of existence he has that lets him lurk on pretty much everyone, perhaps then you could avoid him.”

“That ungrateful little sod,” Matthias grumbled and tried to get out of Dorian’s reach, but his hands were held tight around Matthias’ wrists.

Dorian peppered his hands and face with kisses. “Come now, amatus, let me see that pretty face.”

Matthias peeked from behind his fingers.

“I want to get to know you better. I deserve to know the man who’s captured my heart,” Matthias whispered.

“The things you say.” Dorian pulled him into his arms and sighed in contentment. “I concede to my inevitable defeat, Matthias.”

“Defeat?”

“You’re much too innocent for a hedonist such as myself. I am undone with naught but a look from you,” Dorian pretended to swoon.

Matthias held him tight by his waist. He must have thought the fainting was genuine.

“Shall I do my best to meet you halfway or do you wish to be corrupted?” Dorian asked and curled an arm around Matthias’ neck. He tugged at the loose waves of Matthias’ hair while he ran his free hand down the man’s back and dug his fingers into the cheek of his ass. The movement pressed their hips closer, stiff cocks grinding together. “How bad does the Inquisitor want to be?”

“What did you have in mind?” Matthias asked as breathless as he was in the midst of battle.

“Let’s start simple. Kiss me.”

The kiss was chaste, not at all what Dorian expected but he was pleased all the same.

“Can we sit?”

“Where would you like to sit? My face?” Dorian asked quite seriously.

Matthias’ breath hitched. “Maybe the bed to start?”

...

Matthias pawed at Dorian's chest.

“Off, take it off,” Matthias pleaded.

Dorian stripped off his clothes with a practiced precision then sat on Matthias’ naked lap.

“May I?” Matthias asked, his hands hovered over Dorian’s bare chest.

“Of course,” Dorian replied, clearly amused.

Matthias rubbed his hands up Dorian's torso, his thumbs finding his nipples and teasing them. Dorian bit back a moan of delight and grinded his ass against Matthias’ cock. Matthias pushed Dorian onto his back and put his mouth around his nipple, his teeth teased at it gently. Dorian's head fell back and his hand found its way to Matthias’ head and tugged hard at his hair pulling him off. Matthias gasped, his lips pink and wet.

“Will you, will you tell me what to do, Dorian? I want to please you,” Matthias said.

“Venhedis! Have you any idea what you do to me when you say something like that?”

Matthias run his hand gently up Dorian's inner thigh, fingers grazing against the shaft of his twitching cock.

“I may have some idea, yes,” Matthias said shyly.

Dorian settled himself upon pillows against the headboard and spread his legs invitingly.

“I want your mouth on my cock. Now,” Dorian growled.

Matthias nodded and wrapped his lips around the head of Dorian's cock.

“No teeth and more tongue,” Dorian instructed patiently. “Very good.”

Matthias groaned happily at the praise.

“Oh you like it when I tell you how good you are?”

Matthias hummed an affirmative. Dorian combed his fingers through Matthias’ hair then held it firmly in place.

“Swallow.”

Matthias swallowed around his cock, moaning when it twitched in his mouth.

“Yes, just like that. Good. Alternate between that and sucking,” Dorian moaned, his fingers clenched tighter in Matthias’ hair. “That's enough for now. I said enough!” Dorian tugged at Matthias’ hair roughly, pulling him away. Matthias’ eyes were glassy and unfocused, his lips red from the friction and saliva ran down his chin.

“Please,” Matthias panted.

“You want to please me?” Dorian asked.

Matthias nodded emphatically.

“I want your tongue in my ass, understand?” Dorian's tone was firm, commanding even. Matthias shuddered with desire and nodded. Dorian loosened his grip and watched as Matthias pressed on his thighs and began to lap at his hole. “You like teasing me, don't you?” Dorian chuckled but broke off into a moan as Matthias’s tongue wriggled its way inside of him. “Good, don't stop. Get me nice and wet. I'll need to be if you want to fuck me.”

Matthias pulled away abruptly. “No, I want you inside of me, please Dorian,” he begged.

“I suppose I could accommodate such a request,” Dorian huffed. “Turn over, on your knees. Ass up, how am I supposed to get my fingers inside you?” Dorian hummed in approval. He slapped Matthias’ ass who groaned in delight. “Now spread yourself open for me.”

Matthias pulled his cheeks apart revealing his twitching hole. “Very good, now hold yourself just like that. Let me see everything.” Dorian slicked his fingers with a rudimentary grease spell and spread it down Matthias’ crack. His fingers teased at Matthias’ hole, the tip of one sliding in slowly. “Are you going to let me in or not? Relax.” Dorian slapped Matthias’ thigh with his free hand and felt Matthias’ ass twitch then relax around his finger. “So it's going to be like that?” Dorian grinned. “Put your hands under your head and don't move them unless I tell you. Understand?” Matthias did as instructed. “I asked you a question,” Dorian growled, slapping his ass, hard. Dorian grinned as he watched the muscle jiggle with the force and slowly turn pink.

“Yes, I understand,” Matthias whimpered.

“Good.” Dorian grinned when Matthias groaned in reply. “You really like being praised, don't you?”

“Yes, I-I didn't think I would,” Matthias stammered while Dorian slid two more fingers in his ass.

“And yet here we are,” Dorian murmured and laid kisses to Matthias’ back. “Do let me know if I hit too hard, will you?”

“I will, just please, keep going.”

“Don’t get greedy now,” Dorian growled. “You’ll take what I give you like a good boy.”

Matthias nodded and whimpered.

“How many of my fingers do you think are inside of you now, amatus?”

“Four, maybe?”

“Is that wishful thinking?”

“I don’t know,” Matthias cried. He writhed upon the bed and sought friction for his aching cock.

Dorian grinded his fingers against Matthias’ prostate.

“Fuck, right there,” Matthias sobbed.

“I think I could get used to this. Seeing you undone this way. Naked, opening up slowly around me. Do you want my cock, amatus?”

Matthias nodded and rocked his hips back against Dorian’s cruel fingers. Dorian slapped Matthias’ ass hard, the skin going pale before fading into a harsh red.

“Yes! I want your cock, Dorian, please.”

“You catch on quick.” Dorian smirked and withdrew his fingers and slicked up his cock.

“Make a mess of me,” Matthias whimpered.

“Is that a request or a command?” Dorian asked.

“A request,” he relied weakly.

“Relax for me, amatus. And don't forget to breathe.” Dorian held the base of his cock and slid it slowly along the crease of Matthias’ ass.

“Please,” Matthias whimpered.

“Who would have thought that you could be so shameless? Presenting your ass and begging me to fuck you.”

Matthias’ breath hitched and he rocked his hips backwards, the head of Dorian's cock caught on the rim of his hole for only a moment before Dorian pulled away.

“You do this often?” Dorian teased.

“You know I don't. It's just you, only ever you. Please Dorian, amatus, fuck me,” Matthias cried.

Dorian slowly penetrated him and let out a low groan once buried so deep his hips collided with Matthias’ ass. He reached for Matthias’ arms and grasped his wrists tight. Dorian pulled Matthias’ slack body against him with each thrust.

“Fuck, it feels so good,” Matthias whined.

“Mind if I use a bit of storm magic?” Dorian asked.

“If you think you can focus enough to do so, go right ahead,” Matthias chuckled breathlessly.

“Cheeky little blighter,” Dorian growled.

#dragon age #dai #dragon age inquisition #dorian pavus #male trevelyan #fanon writes fic

[whatscallion]

rise: ch. iv

//- A Medieval AU with the help of Anne who always encourages my muse to no end.

Chapter Summary: Natalia finds her way to the home of the Blind Nomad, a former pupil of The Order. From there, the resistance blossoms. There’s some super subtle Natalia x Murdoch shippy action, spelled wrong for the sake of the AU. Enjoy!

Chapter Word Count: 1,223

Previous Chapters: Prologue - One - Two - Three

Tagging: @cptsteven @blackberrywidow​ ( message / ask to get tagged! )

The mouth of the ice cave looked more foreboding than not, light lacking from its core in the dead of night. Winds whipped every which way, her robes and hood at the mercy of the weather surrounding her. The bitter cold coursed through the layers of clothing she wore as if they didn’t exist, yet she remained unaffected by it. Worse had been endured, surely, just for her namesake. Instincts were telling her this was an obvious trap, the stark show of it meant to ward off those who knew better. But she held confidence that she could outdo the Blind Nomad. If he was truly without sight, then the advantage was obvious enough to give her an appropriate edge. Steps were carefully taken inward, the wind no longer a concern from that moment on. Every step drew her further from the outside world and into cold depths of a cave unending.

An eerie silence grew the further she moved inward, the whispered sources she heard guaranteeing this to be the home of her supposed target. Focus and determination held her fast, keeping distractions at bay. Every step taken was a possible crossing of death and inevitable end to her life. If the assassin hadn’t been hyper aware, Natalia would've missed the onslaught the second it began, near silence enveloping her supposed prey. Her forearm came up out of hardened instinct, the intricately carved armor the splintering wood. Wood? The instant of confusion had her moving defensively, blocking and evading rather than striking out, the darkness barely allowing her to see the shrouded figure of which she intruded upon. Sharp eyes began to adjust to the darkness, and rather than getting pushed back towards the mouth of the cave, she was able to stand her ground, until finally pushing him back.

The moves were familiar to her, yet she couldn't place her finger on it. Strikes were anticipated on a level unearthed from years of experience. Familiarity tickled at her streamlined mind, a splinter worming its way through deft movements and thoughts. It was as if they’d sparred before-

“Matthias?” The impossible name pushed past her lips before she could even register what her mind had recognized. But in that instant, her assailant stopped mere inches from pushing the splintered stick’s end through her pulse. Seconds turned to years as both stood still as statues, frozen in their stances as the fragility of the situation slowly hardened. The hooded figure was the first to move, fluid in motions as he withdrew and pulled the fur-lined cloak from his head.

“I was curious as to who they’d send for me,” he murmured, though his gaze was unfocused and clouded. A slow, sardonic smirk curled his lips as he stepped back from his former sparring partner. With a motion, he waved her to follow with confidence leaving him to traverse through the cave as if sight were not lost to him. “I should be flattered they chose the Demon Widow to cut me down. But I’m aware of how your mind works, Natalia. You would not allow anyone else to embark on this task, would you?”

In their shared time within the ranks of The Order, a studious nature made Matthias dangerous in his own right, picking apart motivations and finding truths among the wildfire lies given by Johann and his dutiful followers. Natalia was no exception to his meticulous ways, finding the agitating mannerisms to be admirable in the least. The Widow surmised that was how he’d managed to survive this long after defection, even without his vision.

Steady steps carried her in his blended shadow, guard slow to fall yet rigid relaxation lacing every muscle in her body. Though there be trust within the compatriot, there was still apprehension at the basic human urge to take advantage of something so fragile. Natalia’s own hood fell to her shoulders, the scarlet fabric covering the bottom half of her face pulled down to reveal that granite mask of perfected indifference.

“I would not,” she answered simply, unsurprised as the echo of her own voice. “Allowing someone else to squander this opportunity was not something I could allow. Too much blood stains my hands to allow someone else the victorious failure.” Her cold words were met with a subtle chuckle reverberating through the length of the cave before light finally began to appear in the distance. Matthias had too much humanity within him to become what she had, as well as too much faith in mankind. Disbelief in Him sparked his exile all those years ago.

“Contradictory words are seldom heard with such a lilt, my dear. You’ll have to excuse my own humor.” They were upon his dwelling, sparse with necessities yet its simplicity allowed for little to pull away from the conversation at hand. This plan was years in the making, fruition finally coming to light as their paths were forever intertwined since days of youth. Natalia could still remember the day following Matthias’s disappearance from the chambers and the hidden heartbreak that followed. “Am I to believe you'll keep these them safe, Natalia? The Order is far reaching. Vast. I know that in due time, your betrayal will make you a sinner to them, and we are both aware of what happens to those who do wrong by Johann.”

A low hum of contemplation was all he received in answer for a short time, sharp eyes no longer pinned to the back of an outsider but moving across decorated walls. Such an attempt in creating a place to resemble that of home left the air sad and heavy, drawing out a pity seldom seen.

“The Word is far safer with me than here with you, Matthias. Of that I'm sure you can agree. Don't mistake my humble nature for mediocrity; I am the best Instrument to come from that cursed place, and I shall prove it within the lunar cycle.” Warnings were woven into a tone of nonchalance, a flash of jade accompanying words despite the pointlessness of even bearing eyes upon him. “Retribution is something we were well acquainted with, Matthias. It would only be appropriate if it fell upon those who served it.”

Silence crept through the cracks in the walls, spreading a peaceful blanket over every surface it touched and soaking through and through. It wasn’t until Matthias made a move, his hand disappearing within his own ramshackle fur cloak, that silence shattered in its fragility. The winds beyond them were noticeable then. The tick tock of water drops from the rock ceiling pounded like warfare echoed throughout the damp air. From within, the Blind Nomad withdrew a leather tube capped with bronze on each side. It was not decorated in the same fashion as her attire, remaining humble despite the contents rolled within. The parcel was held out, prompting a raised brow from the Demon Widow as she took it from Matthias.

“You carry it on you? A bit risky, wouldn’t you agree?” Matthias smiled broadly, his hand stretching further out to brush calloused fingertips along her cheek, tracing over delicate scars. The darkness of the cave radiated with heat and light as the sight of such a smile, quirking her own lips into a crescent curve.

“I’m blind, Natalia. I misplace things despite holding my own against you.”

#black widow #natasha romanoff #daredevil #medieval au #avalon #mind #fic series

[thebookishgoddess]

#Project14Lists 2018: Bookish Ships

My first post for the #Project14Lists bookish event is a list of my bookish ships! I know, controversial. Not everyone ships the canon couple, or ships that one character with anyone at all. Nevertheless, we are all here to express our love for books and the couples that our favorite authors have written, not to throw shade or spill the tea on each other’s ships. We are all trash for something, and we must respect each other’s trash (if that makes any sense, haha!)

For today’s list, I will be putting up twelve of my favorite bookish ships and my favorite fanart of them (with credits to the brilliant artists, of course!). There are waaaay too many ships that I love, if I’m being realistic here. But I got lazy after the 12th graphic I had to edit up for this. I’ll be dabbling on my favorite quotes/scenes of the ships and a little reaction to said quote or scene.

Let the fangirling commence!

Cover photo credit: johannathemad

1. Thomas Creswell & Audrey Wadsworth from the Stalking Jack the Ripper series by Kerri Maniscalco

Favorite Quote/Scene: “You are not mine to take.” He brushed his lips against mine. Softly, so softly I might have imagined them there. My eyes fluttered shut. He could persuade me to build a steamship to the moon when he kissed me. We could orbit the stars together. “You are yours to give.” --Hunting Prince Dracula

Are you bloody kidding me with that? Honestly, Thomas and Audrey is on the top ten of my favorite ships of all time simply because of that scene alone. This scene shows how much Thomas values Audrey as his equal and partner despite all the mayhem they went through. Also because Thomas Cresswell is every girl’s #bookboyfriendgoals because he’s suave af. I WILL SHIP IT TO MY GRAVE.

Art by phantomrin

2. Elias Veturius & Laia of Serra from the Ember Quartet by Sabaa Tahir

Favorite Quote/Scene: Laia is curled in a ball on the other, one hand on her armlet, fast asleep. 

"You are my temple", I murmur as I kneel beside her. "You are my priest. You are my prayer. You are my release." --A Torch Against the Night

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Do men like Elias Veturius even exist in the 21st Century? Hells no. Well, maybe, but the probability of one existing is about 1 to a million, so there’s that. I have never been so moved by such a simple statement, especially since that mantra is supposed to be Elias’s mantra to like, what was it? His honor in fighting for the Empire? But when he said that to Laia, it’s the same level of honor and I’m just so emotional about that?? What even?? How dare Sabaa?? 

Art by gabriella.bujdoso

11. Draco Malfoy & Astoria Greengrass from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

Favorite Quote/Scene: DRACO: Which is why you need this [time-turner]. I have been holding onto it, barely resisting using it, even though I would sell my soul for another minute with Astoria.

DRACO: You [speaking to his son, Scorpius] know what I loved most about your mother [Astoria]? She could always help me find light in the darkness. She made the world — my world, anyway — less — what was the word you used — “murky.”  

--Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT DRACO MALFOY FOR A HOT MINUTE? This man, who firmly believes himself hopeless soon after the Battle of Hogwarts ended, gets the happiest gift of all by having some girl named Astoria Greengrass see the good in him and love him for who he is. If that isn’t the best trope in a ship, I don’t know what is! We know nothing about Astoria other than the fact that she’s some obscure sister of yet another obscure classmate of Draco’s named Daphne. And yet, she seemed one of the most integral characters to me in Cursed Child when Draco said that he resisted using the time-turner to see his dead wife. 

Let’s not forget how when Scorpius time-traveled to a VoldemortWins!AU that Draco still ends up with Astoria. I think that’s what so beautiful about Draco and Astoria. They’re such a minor couple in the background of Hinny and Romione, but they carry so much history we’ve yet to know thanks to their darling cinnamon roll of a son, Scorpius. Anyone who truly knows me is already knowledgeable of the fact that I cry over this ship on a daily basis. And I’m sorry again that I had to cry and make one heck of a long description for this ship because they’re my ultimate fave *ugly sobs*.

Art by blvnk-art

4. Cress Darnell & Carswell Thorne from The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer

Favorite Quote/Scene:

“Captain?“ “Cress.“ She couldn’t not say it, although she realized he was right. It was sort of scary. Much scarier than it had been the first time she’d told him, out in the desert. It was different now. It was real. "I’m in love with you.” He chuckled. “I should hope so, after all that.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her temple. “And I love you too.” --Winter

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE ACTUAL FORK I AM SCREECHING OVER THAT. That scene was probably one of the most memorable scenes I’ve read in the last installment of the Lunar Chronicles. Forget how Levana died and all was well. I cannot help but forget this very scene that sets every other couple in the series apart because of how well-written and developed these two were together. Right now, I am super tempted to re-read the Lunar Chronicles, just for the heck of rereading Cresswell (the ship name) all over again. 

Art by vvivaa

5. Tedros & Agatha from The School for Good and Evil series by Soman Chainani

Favorite Quote/Scene: “But you are my queen. No one but you. And I like seeing you wear it. Because as long as you do, I know you still love me. And given our history of miscommunication, physical cues are helpful.” --The Last Ever After

I absolutely adore Tedros and Agatha. I have been rooting for them since day one of this series and I will never stop (even if Soman highkey tore them apart in Quests for Glory, for shame). They’re probably the most realistic couple to me, if there was a better word for it? Miscommunication definitely happens a lot between these two because Tedros can be pretty dense sometimes and Agatha can be quite arrogant. But I always love how they come together in the end to work it out because that’s what most couples do--they fight, but they don’t lose sight of what’s really important to them. Tedros and Agatha physically embodies those kind of relationships and I am absolutely here for it. Soman needs to stop hurting me after Quests for Glory though because Tedros and Agatha being apart up until Crystal of Time physically hurts me askhjsfkhja.

Art by thevioleteuphonia

6. Nina Zenik & Matthias Helvar from the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo

Favorite Quote/Scene:

“I am grateful you're alive", he said. "I am grateful that you're beside me. I am grateful that you're eating." 

She rested her head on his shoulder. 

"You're better than waffles, Matthias Helvar." 

A small smile curled the Fjerdan's lips. 

"Let's not say things we don't mean, my love.” --Crooked Kingdom

I AM STILL HIGHKEY MAD FOR WHAT LEIGH DID TO THIS SHIP. I won’t say more, but I will say that this is the most painful ship to have ever sailed and I will never get over it. But also the sweetest and well-crafted because of how much these two characters developed over the course of two books. Granted, Nina and Matthias had their history together before the Dregs, but even without it, Leigh wrote them in a way that makes you believe they really are meant for each other in the end despite all adversity. I’m happy Nina is likely going to get a female love interest in Leigh’s installment on Prince Nikolai’s story, though her being with Matthias will always have a special place in my heart.

Art by nilaffle

7. Lira & Elian Midas from To Kill A Kingdom by Alexandra Christo

Favorite Scene/Quote:

“If you get shot,” Lira says, “I’m going to treat you like you’re incapable of doing the simplest tasks.” 

She cradles her arms around her knees to keep out the cold. 

“See how you like it when I hold out my arm to help you walk, even though you’re not shot in the leg.” 

“I’d be flattered,” I say, “that you would look for an excuse just to hold my hand.” 

“Perhaps I’m just looking for an excuse to shoot you.” --To Kill a Kingdom

I love a good “do I want to kill you or kiss you, it’s interchangeable” trope between couples, and when it comes to Lira and Elian, they pretty much seal the deal on that kind. Lira, the princess siren, is pretty much a cray murderer that takes people’s hearts and Elian is a prince-pirate that’s set to destroy her and kill her for good. I mean, it can’t get any more angst and interesting than that. The way they slowly develop in this standalone is very intriguing because not a lot of authors can pull off a realistic romance fantasy the way Alexandra Christo did. I just absolutely love Lira and Elian, their funny banters and their angst. They’re the kind of ship I would sail forever, really.

Art by silketara

8. Ron Weasley & Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet. --Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

CONTROVERSY. But seriously, I absolutely adore and love Ron and Hermione together because of their balance as a couple. There are times where Ron will be street smart and there are times (but most of the time) where Hermione will be book smart. Plus, I definitely think they need each other at times to get off their own high horses because we all know Hermione can be a wee bit intense and Ron can be a wee bit ignorant, but that’s the beauty of them balancing each other out. And that particular favorite scene I just showed proved just how far their relationship as more than friends have come. I practically squealed the first time I read their first kiss scene!

Plus, have you seen them in Cursed Child? I know hardly anyone considers it canon, but adult Ron and Hermione are the cutest ship to squeal at in that book--which seems to be one of the very few good things that book had ever produced. 

Art by johannathemad

9. Elain Archeron & Lucien Vanserra from the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas

Favorite Scene/Quote: Lucien’s hands slackened at his sides. His voice broke as he whispered to Elain, “You’re my mate.” --A Court of Mist and Fury

Here we go, y’all. Another controversial ship. Let me just say that I want Elain to be happy, and whether it’s with Azriel or Lucien or by herself, I’m totally down for that. I just simply love the idea of Elain and Lucien together because of how actual smol beans they both are. Elain, our sweet flower girl and Seer with Lucien, our soft and loyal Fae--I mean, honestly. If I’m weak for ships that want to kill each other, I’m also weak for ships that have the softest hearts. I think they both have their own struggles and I definitely think they’ll grow from those struggles together. 

We all know what happened in ACOFAS and how Elain pretty much snubbed Lucien, but I still have high hopes for them. Maas has a plethora of novels coming out for the minor characters of the ACOTAR series, and I’m betting Elain and Lucien will get their moment in one of those novels. I haven’t lost hope yet! I mean, I bought magnetic bookmarks of these two, so it’s pretty clear I want these two to be endgame, haha!

Art by embaileyart

10. Nesta Archeron & Cassian from the A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J. Maas

Favorite Quote/Scene: Cassian grunted in pain, but lifted his bloodied hands - to cup her face. “I have no regrets in my life but this.” His voice shook with every word. “That we did not have time. That I did not have time with you, Nesta.”

She didn’t stop him as he leaned up and kissed her - lightly. As much as he could manage. --A Court of Wings and Ruin

I think the whole, if not all, of the ACOTAR fandom can agree that Nesta and Cassian are endgame through and through. Judging by that intense moment alone as per the scene presented above, I can pretty much say that while they both have a long way to go, the foundation has already been built from there. I mean, come on, people! They were willing to get killed by the King of Hybern if it meant protecting each other. If that isn’t squeal-fangirl factor trying to protect each other from some evil war lord, I don’t know what is!

Art by meabhd

11. America Singer & Maxon Schreave from The Selection series by Kiera Cass

Favorite Quote/Scene: “Break my heart. Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break anyway.” --The One

My high school fangirlish heart is exploding with memories of how much I loved America and Maxon back then, and I still do! This single sentence above said by Maxon says so much about how far he and America have come together through the adversities faced during the Selection and the rebellions that came with it from the people of Illea. Their love story is definitely one for the ages. While it’s your typical poor girl marries rich prince story, they’re definitely worth the remarkable development they’ve have over the course of three beautiful books.

Art by marimari999

12. Arin & Kestrel from the The Winner’s Curse trilogy by Marie Rutkoski

Favorite Quote/Scene: She turned to look at him, and he was already looking at her. 

“I’m going to miss you when I wake up,” she whispered, because she realized that she must have fallen asleep under the sun. Arin was too real for her imagination. He was a dream.

“Don’t wake up,” he said. --The Winner’s Crime

I’m in slight tears because I still remember this scene in the second book. The scene wasn’t actually real, but a dream that Kestrel had after months of being separated from Arin by some messed up duty to her country. Y’all have no idea the struggle these two had before they finally got their happily ever after (they did, just a little heads up for any hopefuls wanting to read the trilogy). This scene definitely gave me a sense of the impending tragedy of them being together (and yes, there’s also a forbidden love trope, sign me tf up, amiright), but it was a momentary bliss to everything that’s been happening during the course of when that scene happened. I absolutely adore Kestrel and Arin, and I’m so mad very few people have read of them or the series ahhhh.

Art by taylordraws

Phew! That was a lot of ships and hunting down for their quotes. Admittedly, I had some trouble with looking for scenes/quotes and that’s actually a perfect opportunity for me to start bookmarking my favorite parts of a book.

Aside from the struggles, though, I’d love to hear some of your favorite bookish ships, whether we ship the same thing or not. It’s always interesting to hear someone else’s point of view of ships, especially ones where our ships contradict. Feel free to sound off in the comments below!

#booklr #bookish blog #project14lists #discussion #bookish ships

[mongoosefangs]

Redwall Revisited, Part 2: Pearls of Lutra

In light of all the Redwall fanart I’ve been putting out recently I’m going to be revisiting each of the books and posting my personal thoughts on them. It’s been a lowkey goal of mine for a while to write a sizeable story set in this world- a full novel, more or less, and I’d like it to read as authentically as possible. More specifically I want this story to feel like one of the early Redwall novels. I think most folks will agree that there is a certain quality shift in the series after a point (although this isn’t universal, there have been some underwhelming early books and some good later books IMO) and by taking a close look at every one I hope to pinpoint just what it is that makes a Redwall story feel ‘oldschool’ or not.

I’m not necessarily going to be reading these in any particular order besides 'what I feel like’, although I will probably post the reviews in the original publishing order.

Each book will be judged on its primary protagonist and antagonist, its notable supporting characters, my personal favorite minor character, the overall conflict and resolution, and any other noteworthy features or gimmicks. At the end I’ll give the novel a 1-5 overall rating with 5 being the best. I may also throw in a few fanfiction prompts based on questions left unanswered or characters who could stand to be better explored.

Second on my reading list is Pearls of Lutra (1996):

Two books in one year? Woah there Brian, take it easy, it's not a race. That said it's impressive that both Lutra and Outcast came out in '96 because they're both very solid books and don't feel rushed or half-assed at all! Where Outcast may have fallen a little flat with its titular character this next installment more than makes up for it, giving us one of the most memorable and well-received vermin characters in the entire series... we'll get to her eventually. Y'all know who I'm talking about.

This is one of those novels where most of the action takes place away from Redwall Abbey, and the main villain never even leaves his territory at all. While I do tend to prefer stories where the bad guy has more motivation beyond obtaining some macguffin, there's still plenty at stake here, and the social commentary is unfortunately very relatable in this day and age as so many characters suffer just so this one wealthy asshole can decorate a crown for his stupid vain head. Eat the rich, is what I'm saying. Maybe they do taste like pine after all.

The Primary Protagonist- Grath Longfletch You might argue that Martin takes the lead as the book goes on but Grath should be the main character and she's on the book cover, so there. She's definitely got more reason than anyone to be pissed, as her entire family and clan was slaughtered for their treasure, with Grath herself driven to the brink of death. After she recovers she does what any reasonable person would do. She builds herself a bow, gets herself a boat, and heads out to kick some pirate ass. Along the way she meets up with the Redwallers and it's here where she sadly starts fading into the background. In the end I feel that Grath Longfletch gets shafted (ha ha. arrow pun. get it). Her story doesn't even get a satisfying conclusion as she exits the novel off-camera and the Redwallers handwave her away. It would have been nice to get her thoughts on finally avenging her people, or at the very least a mention in the epilogue about how she's moving forward with her life. As it is Grath Longfletch is like a wave on the ocean, building up huge momentum before dissolving completely, and that's a real shame. She could have easily carried the book on her own without the Abbey Warrior coming along to steal her thunder.

The Primary Antagonist- Emperor Ublaz Mad Eyes Holy crap, it's a pine marten! Why were these guys so insanely rare throughout the series, anyway? Ublaz isn't the most interesting out of them if you ask me, but that's not really a knock against him- he manages to be a pretty decent villain even if he never threatens Redwall personally. I think a rich pompous dick who does nothing but hoard resources on his own private island is someone we can all agree to hate these days. The Emperor's entire motivation, besides clinging on to what he's already got, is acquiring more. This whole drama starts because he wants a set of six pink pearls for his crown! That's literally it! Ublaz couldn't care less about Redwall Abbey or Mossflower Woods. The only reason they're on his radar at all is because the pearls are there. He's shallow, vain, greedy, conniving and arrogant. If he's not the most threatening villain ever then I'll argue that he's at least one of the most loathsome just for being the 1%. Ublaz is notable for having some sort of weird hypnotic power with his eyes, hence the nickname. It's never explained how this works but simply making direct eye contact with him is apparently enough to drive his own minions to suicide. If this sounds cheap it's because it is, but Ublaz isn't much of a fighter otherwise. He's explicitly gotten weak and soft from living like royalty for so long and I appreciate that detail. Mad Eyes's greatest asset is his mind, whether he's literally puppeteering others or attempting to outsmart them as even his followers are sick of his shit. The moment he does get in a swordfight he goes down like a sack of candied chestnuts.

Other Notable Major Characters: Martin- No, no, not THAT Martin, the OTHER Martin, Mattimeo's son who was named after the legendary Abbey Warrior. That is a lot to live up to and probably makes for some awkward introductions. No. Sorry. You’re thinking of someone else. Can we just call him, like, Marty instead? Morton? Bort? I'm getting off track. Anyway, Martwo here fails to live up to his predecessors. He didn't rise from adversity like the original Martin, he didn't come of age like Matthias, he didn't have to learn a hard lesson like Mattimeo, he's just there because you gotta have a token mouse warrior in the abbey, I guess. Bort is as generic a hero as you can possibly get. This makes it all the more disappointing that he comes along to push Grath Longfletch out of the spotlight and steal her kill. Mar2n is just... extraneous. You could take him out of the story entirely and still accomplish the same thing. Rollo and Auma are still around so it's not like you need this guy to establish that Pearls of Lutra is the direct sequel to Mattimeo. Without this Martin, more interesting characters would have the chance to shine.

Tansy- When Redwall is threatened by the Emperor's agents it's up to this young hedgehog to find the coveted pearls in order to pay the ransom. With help along the way from her friends, she displays enough courage and wisdom that she ends up being nominated as Redwall's next Abbess by the end. There isn't a whole lot to say about her beyond that, but she does fulfill an important role and has the good sense to slam dunk those pearls to the bottom of the sea where they belong. She knows what's up.

Rasconza- The biggest thorn in Emperor Ublaz's side throughout the story is one of his own corsairs. This fox isn't even the one who first orchestrates the rebellion, he just swoops in later to run the show and ends up being a persistent threat up til the end. When mutiny happens in the Redwall series it's usually quashed pretty quickly so this is kind of a cool thing to see. It's nice that Rasconza is there so Ublaz can do something other than twiddle his thumbs while he waits for those pearls.

Romsca- Okay, okay, you can all sit down now. Romsca is probably one of the most memorable Redwall characters ever and even if her role in the plot is actually pretty small I would be remiss if I didn't include her here. She's a corsair ferret who is tasked with guiding Ublaz's creepy lizard army to Mossflower and obtaining the pearls. Why is that so notable, you ask? Because out of the precious few 'vermin' throughout the series who have any suggestion of morality to them, Romsca has a complete little character arc and ends up doing something unquestionably good and selfless. Unfortunately because we can't have nice things it comes at the cost of her life. In a perfect world we could see her go on to thrive and have nautical adventures forever, but it does go to show just how determined she was to stick to her guns, and shows us that vermin don't have to be innately bad. Except for when they are. (Lookin' at you, Veil.) I think we can all agree that Romsca is a breath of fresh air and the series would be better with more characters like her in it. They're few and far between to begin with, and those that do exist need to get on this ferret's level.

My Favorite Minor Character: Oh, we already did Romsca? Okay, then, I like Viola for sort of going in the opposite direction, starting out as the abbey's resident crybaby and going on to find a taste for adventure. She's a shallow, fun character and that's all right. They did a similar thing with Cynthia in Mattimeo which makes me wonder if bankvoles are just Like This? Is this a stereotype bankvoles have? What even is a bankvole, really?

Pearls of Lutra is probably one of the better books, I feel like it suffers from too many characters more than anything. Marty could be cut in favor of Grath Longfletch. You could ignore all the rebelling corsairs who came before Rasconza. Even Tansy isn't really as interesting as her buddies Piknim and Craklyn (who are totally a couple if you ask me). The narrative is solid but it starts to get bogged down by the sheer number of players competing for the reader's attention. This is a story about fighting for what's really important: life is more precious than any trinket, and it's worth defending to the bitter end. It's also about eating the rich. Wealth and influence will only get you so far: if you act like a jerk, nobody is going to put up with your crap forever. I feel that this might be, like, the most political of the novels in that regard. You can have your whimsical talking animal story but there's some serious subtext here too. Beyond that, the ninth Redwall installment is also memorable for being the one where they burn down a church (wow) and the one with an absurdly large percentage of reptiles and pinnipeds in it. There's also something I noticed while reading: the naming convention in this book gets really redundant. Like weirdly so. Grath. Grall. Graylunk. Grimjaw. Groojaw. Guja. Kuja. Two of these dudes who don't matter are even named on the same page! It's a minor nitpick but I just find it bizarre. It can't be that hard to think of various names for filler characters, can it? I hear Sampetra is completely sold out of Gort license plates.

Overall Score: 4/5

#mongoosewrites #redwall

[mileycfan4eva33]

Fandom: Law and Order SVU

Title: All American Girl

Chapter 1: Bitter Pills

P O V: Amanda Rollins

A/N: The characters of SVU belong to Wolf entertainment I am only borrowing them to play with wht he doesn't know won't get me sued. Thanks to anyone who has favored, followed or reviewed. Reviews always inspire and make me smile.

150 Greenwich Street

New York City, NYC

"How do I define myself without the most important male role model in my life?"

The voice of my nephew Matthias River Rollins speaks out loud even with a slight tremor; he doesn't fold into his emotions as he stands next to his twin sister Jericho Jamie "JJ" Rollins on the podium, speaking in loving memory of their father, my brother Matthias James Rollins at the 9/11 National Day of Service and Remembrance.

"There are no words to describe the agony and emptiness in which my sister JJ and I have been left to carry on without you in our lives; we've never got the privilege to meet you or mom; it's been twenty years since you've been gone we've grown up experiencing every milestone in our lives without you two by our sides. You never got to teach us to drive alongside those country back-roads where you fell in love, had your first kiss, won your ATV races. You never saw us graduate from high school, fall in love, or chase our dreams. We didn't get to tell you our fears, go on family vacations together, hear your words of advice or stories of how you felt growing up as a country boy."

"In some regards, I'm on my own," he says, "trying to understand how this world operates and possibly more importantly, how do I know myself? How do I define myself without the most important male role model in my life? You weren't there to teach me to play catch or throw a football or how to talk to girls without making a fool of myself. It's a hard place to be thinking about the future we never got to have; we don't have memories to think about; we are left to think about what we don't have. All I can say to describe the feeling my sister and I share is that we are left more with a sense than a memory."

Jamie clears her throat, taking a deep breath as she clasps her brother's hand underneath the podium. Her voice is softer, more hesitant as she speaks, "All we have of our parents Matthias Rollins and Jamie MacCann are photographs and stories passed down by our aunt Amanda who has raised us since your passing's. All we know of you, dad, is that you were a man of action, a man who wouldn't sit quietly sit by when injustice was being seen in front of your eyes. At seventeen years of age, you left home to explore the world; even though it hurt to leave behind your younger sisters Amanda and Kimberly, you left to give yourself the education you knew you needed to make a better life for yourself and in hope for your sisters so you could be the role models they needed to know life existed outside of Loganville, GA, outside of the cruel dysfunction of your parents. You lived your life loud, and proud dad, never stopping to apologize to anyone who didn't like your views or beliefs because it was your American right. Dad, you are an American hero, a NY police officer. You never hesitated for a second before rushing to the World Trade Center to help with rescues."

Ten-twenty-eight Jamie pauses as the bell rings out to honor the victims of the North Tower who died on this day twenty-years-ago men and women like my brother Matthias who started their day never knowing that it would be their last day on earth. Tears rush down Jamie's face as she stands next to her brother, both dressed in their dress uniforms. Jamie is a New York City Police officer who graduated from the academy three months ago. Mathias is a Marine back from a tour of Afghanistan three days ago, still trying to adjust to civilian life.

Mathias's voice still rings inside my head from; twenty years ago; we had been fighting over the phone for three days over my choice to join the police academy, an option he disapproved of because of my gender. "Amanda, this isn't your world; it's not a world for any female. I can't support this decision; you're making a mistake. It is a boys club. You'll only get hurt; I'm telling you this for your own good. For once in your life, listen to me, and chose something else."

"No, Mathias, you listen to me. You ain't my father, and you can't tell me what to do. I want to follow in the footsteps of Olivia Benson. I will make this world mine; I don't care what you or anyone else think, and if you don't think I can handle being a cop, then you don't know me at all, big brother."

"You're stubborn, Amanda; you need to let go of that big ego of yours and understand what I am trying to say. There are things on this job, things no human should ever see or bear witness to; Evil lives inside of people's hearts Amanda, it'll rip you to shreds, Amanda, it'll change you forever. You're my little sister. It's my job to protect you."

"I don't need protection, uh! I hate you, why can't you see I am not a little girl anymore! Matthias?"

"Amanda, I have to go, something has happened. A plane has hit the tower. Oh my god, there's smoke everywhere I have to go…."

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13954459/1/

Read the rest here.

#fanfiction #svu #Rollisi #amandarollins #sonnycarisi #rolivia #oliviabenson #911 #suicide

[penguinsocksworks]

Diaries of the Unwilling

Awhile ago @handthigh requested a small sequelish thing to How to Win A Tsundere’s Heart so here it is! 

They’re the last entry to the Tsundere’s Diaries that explains their past a bit and how they came to be how they are. Warning:There’s talk of homophobia (not towards them) and this is def not my best work but then again when do I ever write anything good oops. There’s also not a ton of shipping stuff so.

Also, these sort of deal with a bit darker of topics. I am so sorry if I ever overstep bounds, I am getting all of my information off of either other stories that I have read or experiences from my own life or people I know. If I ever over step somewhere, please tell me so I may fix it.

Read on AO3 or FF.net

Dearest Diary,

Life hasn’t always been easy. It never really is for anyone, but it’s just a bit tougher on some people.

When I was younger I had three older brothers and another younger one on the way. And well… it wasn’t easy. My oldest brother had issues of his own that seemed to hurt me almost as much as it hurt my parents. Older brothers were supposed to be the ones who took care of the younger ones. Or at least that’s the way society and books always depicted the normal family household as. But I learned at an early age that books are an escape from reality, not reality itself.

My brother wasn’t abusive or anything, he just had demons I suppose. They haunted him, and made him do bad things like smoke and drink and have a shit ton of sex with random hussies. My parents had to watch him carefully.

The twins, my other older brothers, got into trouble in a different way. They seeked attention in ways that included breaking random things and blaming it on me or each other. Which demanded another good portion of my parents attention.

And of course, dear Peter. I despised him for a while. The only way I had gotten any real care from my parents was from being the baby. My parents of course were the best parents that they could have been. Wish they would've learned how to properly use a condom, or stop trying for a girl when they already had a few problem children. But they were parents I still wouldn't trade. Peter did nothing to deserve my years of detestation, and I realized that somewhere in my late junior high years. I wish that I had come to that conclusion faster, then maybe we could have banned together. He was the one who truly had it bad.

Yes, I had to take care of Allistor for a number of years. Grow up faster than I should have had to. But I was never alone.

My neighbor, Alfred and his younger twin brother Matthew were always there to play with me. To hang out with me whenever Allistor was acting up or the twins were being reprimanded. I always had a place to call safe and I was always surrounded by people who cared about me truly.

I wish I could have realized that I didn’t need my parents undying attention or love because I had someone else’s. I just never took the time to notice.

But poor Peter was always alone. Coddled like there was no tomorrow, but born so many years after the rest of us that he was alone in ways that didn’t necessarily mean not being surrounded by people. I should visit more often.

My childhood conclusion was that love was something to be desired, but never obtained. Because people can say that they love you, maybe even show it on certain occasions, but it’s something that was always taken back. Fleeting.

Allistor had come back heartbroken and fucked up too many times for me to not believe it. And my parents had broken too many promises for me to be skeptical of a ten year olds conclusion about one of the most powerful forces in the world. Universe.

And that was my belief on the matter for a great number of years. I saw no flaws with it.

But remember that childhood friend? My neighbor? Alfred, not Matthew (though I do care about him too). He’s weird. An anomaly in my otherwise perfect data. I thought of him as nothing but a friend for a long time, maybe because I’ve never thought that I should be liking people as something else. I was like my parents, never good with promises, so how could I promise my love to another person? I never allowed myself to think that way, maybe a passing thought if someone was particularly attractive, but I never thought that I should be someone who would be in a committed relationship.

It was just obvious to me, it was something that only truly great people were worthy of.

It’s not that I thought lowly of myself. It was more just a matter of fact for me. People who were in love or relationships we’re not people like me. Nothing in common. Simple as that.

Alfred had always been someone special to me though. My junior high self would have called it what best friends felt towards other best friends.  My last year self would have called it stupid, and just an Alfred thing. But my now self knows it’s much more than that.

As you have heard, my dear diary, there have been a number of events that have happened. Each one different and unique and leaving me feeling stranger than the last. This year was something of an adventure.

Alfred always had a way of making reality seem like a storybook.

He’s my everything now. He could have possibly been like this for me since forever ago considering the layers of denial i’ve been buried under. It’s weird for me to even say something like this in my head. It’s such a foreign concept, and I haven’t quite gotten used to it. Me, Arthur Kirkland, in a loving relationship with a wonderful person. It sounds like a lie.

He holds my hand now like he used to hold my hand back when we were kids. I was always a bit of a klutz and he would have to help me walk along the rocks whenever we played by the river. It makes me wonder if he’s always felt this way about me. And if he has, I wonder how many times he thought of just stopping.

I remember how hard junior high would’ve been without him.  He can make the rest of the world disappear without even thinking about it, and I’d only be able to focus on how much better he was than I at simple card games or drawing trees. It distracted me from Allistor's growing suspension record. The twins havok. Peter’s relentless crying. For the hours we were together it was just us two. He always distracted me from anything else going on, it was like he was magical. He is magical. The number of times I came to him crying only to leave smiling less than an hour later is too high to count. He was always there, and I took it for granted for many years without even truly knowing that I was. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he ever was ever sick of me coming to him for help.

These past few months were something out of a hellish dream. Alfred pulled stunts that I wouldn’t have ever believed if I hadn’t lived through them. He’s brash and loud, but patient and willing to do anything for me. Which I think is the most wonderful thing in the entire universe. He never snapped at me, and I think he knew that I wasn’t going to believe that he loved me more than a friend the first time. Or the second. Or third. Or fourth. I must have been stressful and frustrating to deal with a number of times, but he never showed it. If I were to trust my heart to anyone, it would be him. I can say that now with confidence. I hate myself for making him have to prove it to me so many times. It wasn’t my intention to be this difficult. I wonder if he ever thought that I wasn’t worth all of this trouble.

I wish I could repay Alfred for not giving up on me, god knows it must have been pretty damn hard.

My life isn’t as sad as this entry makes it out to be. Reading this over, I sound like a rather depressing person with a lot of self-worth and emotional issues (not that I don’t have any). I’m actually a fairly happy person if you know me. Grumpy and annoyed sometimes, but I’m happy with how my life has turned out and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Especially now.

Alfred is going to call me from America in twenty minutes. And he’s going to make it seem as if the time and distance that has separated us is nothing more than a dream by telling me he loves me. And I’m going to say it back. And well, that’s more than I ever thought I was going to get.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland

Dear Diary,

I suppose I’ve only written in you whenever something catastrophic happens or whenever I needed to let something out. And this time isn’t really different.

I don’t have a problem. Or more like, that is the problem. For the first time in my life I feel oddly… at peace. Maybe this is more of Matthias’ doing.

I was a kid who was moved around for a good portion of my life and had seen some things that kids probably weren’t supposed to. All things for my growing years were temporary.

As I have mentioned briefly before, I have two mothers. You’d think that in this day an age that wouldn’t be a problem. Tumblr would probably have a fit if they found out what my parent’s had to go through while I was growing up.

Growing up probably isn’t the right term for it, maybe until I was seven and we finally settled down in a nice town that didn’t care about us. But before then it was weird. I never really had much time to make attachments and my cold persona that I put on kept other kids from talking to me. So I guess when Matthias came up to me that time during recess I was too surprised to say anything to thwart him off. I never made new friends. After you lose the first twenty from either moving or discrimination you learn.

By the time Matthias decided he wanted to be my friend I was already quite skeptical of affection. It was a word that existed in my dictionary, but was exclusively for family. My moms taught me that love was love no matter what and that they would love me regardless of who I was. It was unconditional. It came from years of being told the opposite and I wasn’t immune to hearing what people said about them. My mom and mor are the strongest people I know, and I hope Emil never has to see them the way I have.

Broken and damaged.

I love my mothers. I never want them to cry or feel bad. But at six or seven there isn’t much you can do. Other parents would whisper and I could feel my mor’s grip on my hand tighten whenever she would come to pick me up. On days when everyone’s staring got to be too much she would cry at night. She still wore a bright smile for me though, and I even got pancakes and a sorry. But she didn’t have anything to be sorry for.  I’m highly aware that people call me antisocial and I think they think it’s because other kids bullied me into being that way. I think my parents blame themselves for how I act now, but they really shouldn’t.

It wasn’t their fault. It was everyone else’s. All the people who didn’t see that love was a natural right.

I wasn’t sure who I could trust when I was younger. Most kids didn’t understand why I had two mothers, but if I explained it to them they wouldn’t really think too much of it. That’s the thing with most kids, they’d make a face at most, maybe the mean ones would tease, but more often than not it would be like explaining why it rained to a kid. Okay now they know, still don’t really get it, but eh. Whatever lets just go back to playing tag. Kids are one thing, they didn’t know about social norms, it was their parents that I had to worry about.

I protected myself from the ones that would be ripped away from our friendship the moment that their parents found out about mine, sure. But I knew that it hurt my moms more than it hurt me. It took me awhile to notice. Why all the kids wouldn’t want to play with me anymore, and then why we had to move again. We could never find a place to call home. A place where it was safe to be us.

I started to lie. A lot. I’d tell my parents that things were fine at school and that I had a lot of friends. I don’t think I’d ever seen them so happy or relieved. But the cold truth was that I didn’t make friends. I’d distance myself from the other kids, because I knew that our friendships wouldn’t last. My friendships with other kids had only meant pain for my mom’s, and I sure as all hell didn’t want to be the reason they were sad. It’s easy to say you’re just going to ignore what everyone says, but it’s harder to do it.  

I think they thought that I was mute at one point. I talked less and less and lost that innocent smile my mom loved so much. I knew everything people said about them and I hated people for it. No one was worth smiling at, let alone my words. I wasn’t that innocent anymore since I knew how hard they had it. The metaphorical truck of how adulthood was shit hit me with its full force.

We moved again when we adopted my brother. My lies had worked and the only reason we were moving again was to get a bigger house. I had put on my whole cold and stoic, don’t talk to me attitude and marched into school.

I lied and said that I made five friends that day when the truth was that I played all alone.

The next day my lie was less of a lie. That was the day Matthias became my friend. It shocked me how much I enjoyed his company and I couldn’t let myself cut him off. It was a risk that my younger self was willing to take. And I thank god everyday that I did.

And then, as if by magic, my lie wasn’t a lie at all. I made friends with Matthias’ help, and he showed me how it’s okay to trust other people. I met Tino and Berwald and they are now two of my closest friends. I was still on edge, but it was the first time I ever considered staying friends with people.

My mom said I was smiling again, she cried when I asked if Matthias could come over.

Matthias’ parents are never home. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I trusted him. He opened up to me the second day we hung out at lunch in a very Matthias fashion. Nonchalant for a serious topic. He still had his childish innocence to break. His parents were always away and his babysitter didn’t speak much english, only danish. That day was also the day that I learned that danish wasn’t just something I got to eat when I was good.

But I think it was around that time that I found myself in a place where I didn’t have to worry. I haven’t seen my parents cry in grief since. They’re happy. They have each other and that’s all that really matters.

To be honest I think they knew I was lying before at my old schools. But with Matthias around, they didn’t have to worry about me anymore.

That isn’t to say that being friends with Matthias changed everything I thought. I was still not sure who I could trust with my feelings, who would judge me for being who I was. If humans had the capacity to make others tear themselves up over something as innocent as love then what chance did I stand? I knew in my heart that Matthias wouldn’t ever, but my brain said that logically he could.

I’m not sure how long it was before I was undeniably attached to him. I was able to make friends and function better in social situations because of him. I was able to place trust in humanity again because of him.

Love was something that everyone had a right too, but it had to be earned. You have to deserve it. To trust it.

I will probably spend my life trying to make myself worthy enough to deserve the amount of love Matthias has given me over the years. Spend my life trying to repay him for what he’s done for me and what I’ve put him through. But I know I won’t be alone.

This year was something else, with all that stuff that he pulled. He was willing to make himself look stupid for me. Willing to let others talk about him for me.

Matthias is a gift that I don’t think humanity deserves. He always sees the good in things. I hope he never changes. All his quirks are things I can’t get enough of. I love him and no amount of whisperings will ever change that fact.

~Lukas Bondevik

Dear Diary,

This is probably the fortieth time I’ve written that and I still sound like a fucking chick in a disney movie.

Did you know it’s easy to trick someone into thinking that you love them? My parents for example. My mother was left pregnant with twins, abandoned by the person that supposedly loved her. And then us, Feliciano and I, abandon by her. Then a few years later I saw that bitch again when she dropped Sebastian off and booked it the hell outta there.

My grandfather said that's part of the reason why I didn’t think loves real. Apparently children are very impressionable, because young minds are like sponges or some shit like that.

I never really thought of how my childhood affected how I thought. I suppose that in a sense I never really believed people when they said they loved me, or anything. But I thought that was normal, I mean. My biological parents loved each other one moment, then they didn’t. Who was to say that everyone wasn’t lying when they said that. We all do leave each other eventually because death is still a thing. It’s even in wedding vows, ‘till death do us part’.

Love is a lie. That was my strong belief for a while. All the examples of love that I was given had been terrible. My parents. My grandpa was divorced. My brother was coddled constantly by everyone else around us so I hated him for a while for it. Loved him like a brother was supposed to, but to me it wasn’t real love. Ergo, every time I said ‘love you Feli, night’ it was a lie. I love my brother now despite how air headed he can be, but i truly disliked him as kids.

I didn’t think that my beliefs would ever change, cause why the fuck would they? I’ve been told I’m pretty stubborn. I’m not going to say that girly shit like ‘the minute I met Antonio everything changed or the moment I realized I loved him my beliefs were #shook’ (yes Arthur, Lukas, I read what you guys wrote you pansies.) cause that would be another lie. Things started to change before I met him, it started with my brother.

My brother is a guy who can easily love, which puts my grandpa’s theory of ‘Lovino acts like that cause abandonment’ into question. As I said earlier, I hated him. But I guess over time he grew on me, in his own Feliciano way. By the time high school rolled around he, Sebastian, and grandpa were the only two people I loved with all my heart as mushy as that sounds. The whole love thing was growing on me I guess.

But love leaves. Feliciano and that stupid potato bastard are probably going to run off into a field of flowers and chocolate and then Sebastian the same with whoever he finds to love. Then it was just gonna be me and our grandfather till he kicks the bucket. Sure they’ll love me, but I’ll still be left alone.

Point being, love that doesn’t leave is a lie was my new thesis in high school. Oh hell yeah it exists, but not abandoning you? Yeah right. Maybe that old guy had some truth to his own theory.

It came to the point of how do you know someone’s not going to leave? Cause you never know, never can know for certain.

But you could trust someone not to leave.

How do you trust someone not to is the real question then I suppose. I put little faith into a lot of people. I asked people to do things, keep secrets, but not really expecting them to actually do it. Antonio was a person who wasn’t much different from the others.

Antonio’s stupid personality though. He always made me feel oddly comforted and safe, and I hated it. I started to trust him, I could feel myself starting to whenever he smiled at me and did whatever I asked. He saved my ass a bunch of times with random things, like homework excuses or late night coffee runs. I trusted him to be there when I needed him.

I still do.

Isn’t that something? I trusted him even before all the things that he did this year. This crazy fucking year. But I guess I never would have realized how much I actually did if it weren’t for all that stuff. My stupid subconscious trust.

But I don’t think that I’m going to give up that trust. Not till I join grandpa up with the angels, and then maybe not even then.

Reading this outloud to myself was painful, mostly cause this was the most I’ve ever talked about my past and all the weird feelings I get with Antonio. He’s someone I trust and its just that easy. I guess I’m going to have to live with the fact that I trust him for the rest of my life, no matter how terrifying that can be sometimes. Cause I love him.

From,

Lovino

#request completed #usuk #dennor #spamano #how to win a tsundere's heart #penguin writes