#this anni art really made me go back to editing.

[008-edits]

milgram fourth anniversary icons!

(credit is not needed, but appreciated)

#this anni art really made me go back to editing. #apologies to everyone who sent requests i just.. don't have much motivation to edit rn #don't look at fuuta's eyes. i really tried to make the art as hd as possible BUT ALL IMAGE ENHANCERS JUST MADE HIS EYES LOOK LIKE THAT #that's why he's so far away compared to everyone JXSKSLSLSLSL #i hope these look ok. sorry i'm a bit rusty #💖self indulgent 💖 #milgram #milgram icons #milgram edit #milgram es #haruka sakurai #yuno kashiki #fuuta kajiyama #muu kusunoki #shidou kirisaki #mahiru shiina #kazui mukuhara #amane momose #mikoto kayano #kotoko yuzuriha

[astraystayyh]

Eek more questions hehe I really like this new set

Really curious for #1, #7, #8, #10, #13, #21, #24, #28, #34, and #35!!

These were really good questions hehe

-💫

What inspired you to start writing fanfiction?

it was i think my 3rd month of being a stay? and I really loved reading ff on here even tho I had no idea how this app worked LMAO I've already told her but @rachalixie's hurt/comfort drabbles were my fav thing to read, she was one the first ppl I followed on here, and so, tmi, I was feeling so anxious and I wrote a channie helping u through an anxiety attack drabble (that I never posted AJSNJSB) and I was like hold on! this is fun! i can write what I want??? and post it for people to read...... like I was already writing some poems for a couple of years now but they were just for me yk, so i got super ambitious and i posted a long ass OT8 saying ily for the first time as my first fic akssjnjb i was so nervous like actually shaking and refreshing the notif bar every two seconds, i still rem the very first two comments i got, i think that's when it hit me that people actually READ stuff I wrote.

short answer, i've always loved writing and then stayblr -mainly anny inspired me to start writing too hehe

10. What's your favorite part about the fic writing process?

wahhhh probably coming up with lines i'm proud of?? i also loveee weaving parallels into my fics and for everything to come full circle, I love the symbolic aspects of fic writing in a way, thinking of mundane things and giving them an important significance for the characters!!! someone commented underneath Orange that they cannot believe they're crying over oranges and that rlly made me giggle!! that's the point HEHEH

13. What's the most challenging aspect of writing fanfiction for you?

for me it's descriptions ;;;; especially when it comes to sceneries or clothes or omg PLACES like decor and all,, I can't envision these things in my mind so I always worry I'm not describing them well in my fics,,, also the little transition scenes where nothing MAJOR happens but that are still pivotal to the right flow of the story ;;; yeah these mess with my head the most

21. Have you ever used fanfiction as a way to explore your own emotions or personal experiences?

hiii heyyy ofc i did ZJKNJD i think a lot of authors will relate but art cannot be completely separate from the artist, every work u read of mine has a little (or big) piece of me in it, that's why it's so vulnerable for writers to share their works on this scary place because u are perceived and judged for them and u hope that someone will find solace in ur struggles or relate to ur worries,,, and this is really helping me mend back my rp with love!!!

24. What advice would you give to someone who wants to start writing fanfiction?

JUST DO IT!!!! seriously go for it, you'll 100% cringe at ur earlier works later on but u will also improve and learn and discover things about urself that u would've never known otherwise!!! be self-indulgent and write things for urself and there will be always someone who will appreciate them

34. Are there any fic writing tips or tricks you've learned along the way that you'd like to share?

im trying to think of smtg i never mentioned before mmmm.... oh I think that trying to include bits and quirks of the member u are writing about is always so fun and makes the story more enjoyable for the reader!! ofc we don't know what these idols are like irl BUT there are some aspects of their personalities that we know of (like their interests or small habits) and it's always fun to incorporate into ur story, also helps with the characterization hehe

35. What do you enjoy most about being a fic writer?

THE FEEDBACK!!!!!!!!! nothing beats the feedback for me it's literally what makes the entire thinking, writing and editing process worth it!! the feedback is what keeps me going and fuels my motivation, it is so so important for writers I can't stress this enough,,, I'm so so grateful and lucky to have such sweet readers who leave me the most THOUGHTFUL feedback, like with just one rb u could erase SEAS OF DOUBTS in the writer's mind. i always say this but the only way for me to know if my fic is good is by reading u guys' opinions,,, so yeah the feedback is my fuel ;;;;

7. How do you handle writer's block or moments of creative stagnation? 8. Do you have any rituals or habits that help you get into the zone? 28. What's the most ambitious or challenging fic you've ever written

i answered these here and here <33

#THIS WAS SOOO FUN #THANK U BABY FOR SENDING THESE IN #i hope this isn't too long i had to ramble AJKSNJZD #sahar's.asks <3 #💫 anon

[icharchivist]

ICHA ICHA ICHA! How do you like GranFes so far??? I am in LOVE with the Relink trailer, it looks so good! The new Versus does too, but I'm a bit bitter that they're releasing a whole new game to buy all over instead of adding to the existing one, ha ha,,, AND THE COSPLAYERS ARE SO HOT???

HEYYYYY!!

I like it a lot!! it's been a whole time of fun and it's always impressive!

the trailers are amazing, i'm genuinely sooo into the relink one and i really hope to be able to play it.

On Versus, it looks hella cool but yeah, i agree with you, it's a bit bitter to know you gotta buy it again... though i would assume there will be something for the people who already have the base game or something? Listen i'm just glad the gbvs only people are going to stop complaining about rollback, this was a thorn at my side lmao

I've been in love with the hologram shows, they're all full of life it's so fun to watch!! and the fact we got Eternals: The Boysbands edition is worth everything. I feel like for one minute we got sent in Seofon's dream dimension or something because i don't know how in our reality Seox or Feower could have been blackmailed enough to accept to do it, but i'm so glad for the fever dream.

and the cosplayers ARE SOOOOOOO HOT IT'S INSANE. Everytime i see them my jaw drop!!!

Yesterday i was talking on here about how just, unwell i was about Fediel's cosplayer, she's so hot and for what??? but tbh all of the dragons are INCREDIBLE, they look straight up out of the VN it's uncanny.

I love to see the oldie cosplayers come back too, the dragon knights and the society's cosplayers are always fun to see around, seeing the fox family always makes me teary, and BOY the wmtsb gang knows how to offer a show. The Belial cosplayer lives in all our mind rentfree ahah.

Also huge shout out to Lyria's cosplayer who captures so well what it is to be The Babiest Baby You Would Die For (And Already Have, Twice). Like i see her and i'm just "oh yeah me too i'd die for her, great job". She makes me happy everytime i see it.

also omg the fashion show was such a cool idea??? it was so wild to see recreations of costumes that only appeared in obscure promo arts from the way back, and it was so amazing to see how all those cosplayers, who have been trained to behave like their characters so much, wear it with so much grace and elegance and, so in character. It's so amazing.

Also huge shout out to THE SETS????? Like holy shit the whole Canaan's stained glasses are eVERYTHING, the huge statues of Bahamut, Galleon and all, are just so fucking gorgeous, and i'm always in love with the café and the sets made to hang out. It makes the whole environment feel so real it always look so dreamy.

And personally i'm a huge fan of the seiyuu shows, as a big seiyuu fan, and one of my fav seiyuu was on stage today so i was really having tunnel vision LMAO, but the games were sooo fun and i loved to see them all blatantly cheat at weighting plushies. I can't believe we're getting rewards out of it. (and also i want the Galleon big plush so bad after all of this, they're taunting me so much).

And the announcements!!!! The New class is so cool, Vikala getting her 5* was long overdo thanks god, AND LU WOH!!!!!!!!!!! Would almost forget he was planned at this point i'm just so glad he's not a fever dream LMAO. And personally i'm just thrilled because while Seiyuu fans have been theorizing ever since he came out, we didn't know his seiyuu until now, and they confirmed it's, also, one of my fav seiyuu, so now i'm forced to stan harder than i did before 😩✌

but even without the seiyuu angle i'm just so glad he was finally announced, it's been long overdue and i sure hope he saves Light from the state it's in right now.

That said they're keeping some announcements for tomorrow and i'm SO curious about what's to come. It's so bewildering to see so many things come out of all of it! And we're likely getting the anni trailer too then so i am really curious what it will be!

so so far i've been having a total blast and i cannot wait to see what awaits tomorrow :3c

So glad to hear you're having fun and i hope you'll enjoy yourself tomorrow too!!

take care!

#ichareply #anonymous #ichafantalks gbf #ichablogging gbffest

[paigesprocessblog]

Week 10, November 8

This week I was still feeling in a massive rut. I have a ton of exams coming up and I'm really stressed out but literally am always so tired because I barely sleep so I'm struggling to find the time, energy, and motivation to do any school work. Sorry for my pity party moment ✨ okay moving on. So I felt really good about the word vomit draft and the feedback I received back on it, so I felt like the first actual draft went okay, I really just made some edits and added in citations and some information about my project and the artists that inspired me. I know I need help with in-text citations and footnotes, so id like to have a meeting about that. I feel like I need to be putting a reference after every single sentence which makes no sense to me, and I know that I need to slim down the history part, but I'm not sure what to leave in/what to take out and if I should use footnotes, and if so I don't really know how to go about that.

for the first draft, I needed to research more artists that inspired me, so I started my scholarly research off with that... my main influence was Brian Blomerth, who is the author and illustrator of the book "Bicycle Day" that Chris gave me, but I definitely was eager to find some more inspo.

Ian McKay (@hi__bred on Instagram)

Ian Mckay is a San Francisco-based comic artist and illustrator. His work really caught my eye because of how soft I look (lol), like everything looks squishy. I love the color pallett of his work, and my favorite piece out of this bunch is the upper right picture. I love the way that he illustrates his comics because they feel so detailed, yet the faces of the characters are so simple. I think that's something that is really stressing me out, truing to work out a really detailed character for my book, but maybe I don't really have to do that... after all, I want the illustrations to focus more on the trip itself rather than the character's expressions. If she had a really detailed face in every frame, it might take away from the other stuff.

Beth Frey (@sentimentmuppetfactory on Instagram)

There is literally almost no information on Beth Frey other than what is on her Instagram. I couldn't find a website or anything like that and her Instagram doesn't tell us where she's based or what kind of artist she is. But aside from that, I'm obsessed with her work. What I love most about it is the context of everything, and now none of it makes sense. I think some of these ideas will be really helpful when I'm brainstorming things that my character will see/experience on the psychedelic trip.

Little City Books Slay

for my creative research as well, I wanted to find some more inspiration for character designs and illustration styles, so I took a trip to little city books and dug through the graphic novels. These were my favorites.

Dog Biscuits by Alex Graham

this graphic novel really spoke to me because of the simplicity of the drawings. I also like how the characters are animals, similar to Bicycle Day... maybe it would be cool for my character to be some sort of animal just to add a level of weirdness.

Logicomix by Apostikis Doxiadis and Christos H. Papadimitriou and Art by Alecos Papadatos and Annie Di Donna

This one spoke to me because I loved the colors in it, and the characters definitely have more detail and expression than other books, but still not overly detailed. I know this is going to be a struggle I will face since I usually do hyper-realistic art, I'm going to have a hard time letting go of making things looks "real" but I know that's not feasible for what I'm making.

Other Than Afters by Melanie Gillman

The colors and characters in this one are my favorites. I also love that we can see the colored pencil texture.

One Beautiful Spring Day by Jim Woodring

This book just caught my eye because it is massive and really expensive lol. The cover is also stunning, and the illustrations inside are gorgeous, but not what I'm going for.

Creative Research

After gathering some more inspo, I went in for a second try at character design/illustration style...

EEP I love this so much. I wanted to explore the whole animal as a character thing and I'm obsessed with it. I just sketched out a few little ideas and I'm really happy with them and I cant wait to further explore these!!!

[smellsfaintlyofvanilla]

author-chan!! can i have angst of annie leonhardt' s/o leaving her after she confesses that she's the female titan:(((

also i wish you luck with your blog ٩( ᐛ )و

tHIS HURT ME TO WRITE, ANNIE DESERVES HAPPINESS!

On another note though, thank you! I’m having fun so far ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Oh, and to preface, this turned out a lot more angsty and violent than I had sort of planned in my head, so if you want something changed, I can easily go back and edit it.

Monster

(Annie Leonhart x Reader)

AU: Canon

Warnings: Slight violence, season 3 spoilers

Category: Angst

Summary: After finding out she is the Female Titan, Annie’s s/o leaves her, leaving her heartbroken and angry.

Words: 2.0K

The most recent scouting expedition was an absolute disaster.

You thought things were going well. One of your first scouting missions, and you had made it far into titan territory without much trouble.

But then, she appeared.

An abnormal for sure. Shown to be fast and agile, plus very intelligent, the Scouts stood no chance. She mindlessly ripped through your comrades in search of Eren, pushing all the way up to the forest, and wiping out almost all of the Levi squad.

Luckily, you were able to make it out of the mission relatively unscathed, physically anyway. Mentally, you were a mess. The experience messed you up for sure, you had never been more terrified of a titan before then. The fear of death that she instilled in you had shaken you to your core, and as soon as you were allowed to leave, you ran to the interior to find solace in your girlfriend, Annie.

Sneaking into the military police dormitories, as you had done many times before, you quietly pushed to the door open, poking your head in in search of the blonde.

You found her alone in bed, staring at the ceiling wordlessly. Her roommate, Hitch, was strangely absent. You wondered if she was getting ready for bed. It was a bit early, as the sun had just began to set, but you figured she may have just been tired.

She didn’t seem to notice you at first, which was unnatural of the usually extremely observant soldier. Still you paid no mind to it, calling out her name.

“Annie?”

She turned to face you, and a small smile graced her lips. But something was very off about it. The smile looked so... pained. Not fake, but pained. Like it hurt her just to smile.

“Can I come in?” You asked, just out of courtesy, since she looked like she had something on her mind.

She nodded, sitting up in her bed and patting the space next to her.

You climbed onto her bed, and the two of your shared a chaste kiss before you hugged her, burying your head in her shoulder. You inhaled slowly, taking in her calming, slightly sweet scent.

“I missed you...” You muttered.

She chuckled just a little, before wrapping her arms around you and falling backwards, pulling you with her so you were tucked into her side. “I missed you too...”

You snuggled closer into her chest, taking deep, relaxed breaths for the first time in days.

You laid in comfortable silence for a few minutes, before you finally started to talk about what had really been bugging you.

“The scouting mission was a disaster.” You said, slightly muffled into her chest. You could’ve swore you felt her breathing hitch and her muscles tense up at the mention of it.

You pulled your head out of her chest, not even waiting for her to beckon you to continue, deciding to keep talking anyway.

“There was this huge abnormal, and she was faster and smarter than any one I’ve ever seen before!” You cried out, not even bothering you control your voice. You needed this experience off of your chest as soon as possible. “She killed so many Scouts! I saw it all with my own two eyes, I thought for sure I was gonna die!” Tears formed in your eyes as you recounted the experience, images flashing through your head and screams ringing in your ears.

Your hands covered your eyes, eyes squeezing shut so tightly that bright colors seemed to flash over your vision as your eyebrows furrowed. Quiet sobs and sniffles escaped your lips.

After a moment, you realized Annie still hadn’t moved an inch. The Annie you know would’ve been shushing your cries and petting your hair, as she’s done so many times before, but right now, she didn’t move a muscle.

Your eyes fluttered wide open, and you bit your bottom lip to suppress your sobs. You shakily moved your head up to look at her. She was completely frozen, even her breathing had stopped momentarily, as she stared at the wall with wide, unmoving eyes. Her expression looked so mortified.

You gasped out loud as it finally clicked, your hands moving from your ears to cover your mouth, and your pure shock immediately stopped the flowing tears. All the pieces fell into place in your mind at once.

The expression on her face was recognizable anywhere. God, how did you not notice it before?!

Guilt.

Confused and panicked, you sat up and scampered to the opposite side of the bed, still in disbelief.

“A... Annie?” Your whisper was barely audible, but compared to the tense stillness of the room, she heard you perfectly. “Tell me it isn’t true...”

You had ignored it. You didn’t want to think about any of it. You didn’t want to think about how similar the female titan looked to her, or how the female titan had the same martial arts technique as her, or how strange she had been acting lately, especially now after the attack. You still clung to hope that, maybe, just maybe, you were wrong.

She finally sucked in a breath harshly through her clenched teeth, lowering her head in shame and hiding her eyes from yours.

“I...” She whispered. The tone in her voice almost made you pity her. She sounded so sad, like a kicked puppy. The furrow in your brow softened, but you remained on guard until she finished her sentence.

“I’m so sorry... Y/n...”

At that moment, you felt a switch flip in your mind. This was no longer the Annie you knew. She wasn’t the Annie that would lean on you silently during mealtimes, or the Annie that would kiss you on the forehead when you woke up together, or the Annie that smiled lovingly whenever you told her that you loved her.

No, not anymore. This was a monster. She was a monster.

Burning rage and heartbreak coursed through your veins, taking over your body as you lost any control you may have had. She didn’t need to try to apologize. She didn’t deserve forgiveness.

You grabbed her by the shoulders, and before she even had the chance to react, you tackled her off of the bed and onto the creaky wooden floors of the dorm, landing on top of her with a loud thud.

She shut her eyes and winced in pain for a moment, but she opened them to look at you. As soon as her eyes met yours, you saw them widen with fear. Not fear for her safety, she could easily beat you in a fight if she wanted to. No, this fear was different, it was something she had feared since she first started to fall for you. And right now, it seems that fear was becoming reality.

“WHY?!” You screamed, still hovering over her. Despite your anger, your face appeared distraught, tears falling from your eyes and onto her cheeks. The tears she usually wiped away endearingly were now flowing from your eyes, and it was all because of her.

“This whole time, you pretended to love me, while you were really just our enemy? Do you have any idea how many died because of you?! What are you doing this for?! WHY, ANNIE, WHY?!”

Tears fell from Annie’s eyes as she struggled to form a coherent sentence.

You remained on top of her, waiting impatiently for an answer. “Well?!”

“I... Y/N please... I’m sorr-” Her sentence was cut off as you raised your fist and struck her in the nose with all your might. Her head flung to the side, blood already spurting from her face.

“Don’t give me that sorry bullshit! You aren’t sorry at all! You just want to save your hide!”

You sat up from your previous position, but your knees stayed grounded on the floor to either side of her. You stared at her, your expression broken and unremorseful.

“You’re a traitor...” Your voice dropped to a solemnly low pitch, and a pained, almost hysterical laugh ripped through your throat. You calmed down within moments, however, and stared into her eyes. If looks could kill right now, she would be dead on the floor in an instant.

“You stood there with us and swore to fight against the titans... and then you went on to kill your own comrades... do you feel no remorse?” You shook your head, looking away as if she didn’t even deserve your acknowledgement. “You never deserved to wear the uniform. You should never have joined the ranks.”

You stood up, heading for the door. You turned to look at her once again, only to see that she hadn’t moved an inch, her head still facing to the side, looking away from you.

“Tch.” You turned around, twisting the doorknob and pushing the door open slowly.

“I can’t believe I thought I loved you,” You took a step out of the door. “You monster.”

---

Annie panted in front of the mirror, gripping the sides of the porcelain for support. The blood still leaked from her nose, the metallic taste making its way into her mouth and coating her tongue.

She looked at the mirror, and a stranger stared back. A stranger whose faced was still stained with tears. A stranger who was afraid. A stranger who, deep down, ached for her lover to return.

She should’ve known. Hell, Reiner warned her several times.

“I know you care about her, Annie, but you can’t get attached to, let alone involved with Y/N. It sacrifices the integrity of our mission as warriors.”

She winced at the memory, closing her eyes and trying to block it out. Still, his words wrapped itself around her brain.

“Besides, you know it well. We’re sinners, Annie. Monsters. We have a duty to serve, but that’s it. People will hate us simply for being born into this program, for inheriting our titans. Y/N is no different.”

She stared back into the mirror. The stranger who looked back had really believed that she could do it. That Y/N wouldn’t hate her when she inevitably found out her secret. How foolish, believing that she could be forgiven.

A sudden rush of anger and frustration washed over her, and her hand left the sink and struck the mirror in front of her. The reflection shattered, and the glass fell to the ground.

She didn’t bother to wash the blood off of her hand, or even pick the tiny shards of glass out of her hand before she punched the empty wall where the mirror used to be.

*POW*

She knew it, she always knew it, years before even being given her orders.

*POW*

Of course she knew it, how could she not?

*POW*

But she didn’t want to be reminded of it.

*POW*

She didn’t even want to think about it.

*POW*

She didn’t want it to be told to her face like that.

*POW*

And especially not by her.

*POW*

No matter how she faced it, she was just...

...

A monster.

---

She huffed in the midnight air as she ran, holding her limp right hand. It wouldn’t take a genius to look at it and tell immediately that she had shattered many of the bones in her fingers, but that didn’t matter right now. You knew her secret, and it wouldn’t be much time before you told the others.

She ran as fast as she could, skidding to a halt in front of the cabin that she unfortunately knew all too well.

---

Reiner awoke with a start, a painful sensation covering his chest. As he opened his eyes slowly, the blurry silhouette in front of him delivered another swift kick to his ribs. He groaned painfully as the silhouette began to clear.

“Annie?” Confusion and fatigue laced his speech heavily. Across the room, Bertholdt began to stir awake.

“Reiner,” She spoke. His eyes widened as he gazed into her eyes. The icy blue orbs appeared as though no one was behind them. She looked broken, as if a painful realization had shattered her entire world. “Get up. Now.”

“Huh?” He sat up, noticing her battered and bruised hand, only heightening his confusion.

“We’re going to go get Eren.” She spoke, an eerie monotony to her voice.

“Whether you like it or not,” She continued. “This mission ends today.”

SAAHFKSJHLDFSKHACKJH I NEVER WANT TO WRITE ANNIE IN PAIN AGAIN I FEEL SO BAD AAAAAAAAAAA

also, i put so much effort into this, but it feels really bad for some reason :|

Also I couldn’t write Annie punching the wall without comparing her to a Kyle™ lol.

Well, still, I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know if I should change anything.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #aot imagines #annie leonhart x reader #annie leonhart #angst

[valdangelodumbasses]

Valdangelo Headcannons #1

Leo and Nico are both introverts but Nico loves affection

Leo made Nico tiramisu once and he swallowed it faster than Percy could ever

Leo couldn't look him in the eyes for a week or he got so flustered

Nico is lawyer bf 

and a demon at monopoly; him playing w/ Annie is the worst.

gamers! both like monster (specifically mango loco) but Nico also loves tropical redbull

Nico teaches Leo and hazel how to play so they can battle 2v2

Nico wipes the floor and Leo is just glad he understands half the rules

Nico and Leo wear heels. 

and they're good at it too.

Confident Nico>>>>>>  

Leo has a fucking heart attack when Nico pins him to a wall

Leo makes Nico laugh with his jokes and shitty pickup lines

but when Uses shitty pickup lines on him he steals them, after he stops looking like a tomato

Nico does Cosplay and they cosplay together and its so fucking rad

making out while baking/cooking? more likely than u think

Leo tells Nico he looks cute one day b4 they started dating and Nico is like: Is this friendly affection

Caffeine addicts rise up

but Nico hates coffee and honestly same

teas n energy drinks>>> 

Leo is a fucking swine who mixes all his foods and Nico nearly vomits bc he wont let his food even touch goddamit

Piper and Hazel being wingman while Percy and Jason are the matchmakers

p r a n k s

like so goddam many

they are unstoppable and they pin it on the Stolls

or Leo gets caught

Nico n e v e r does bc like? scary emo kid? prankster? nah, NAh,

he sticks his tongue out at leo anytime leo gets caught

bisexual leo or gay leo? leo doesn't even know!

all he knows is that nicos hot and has a cute butt & personality

nico is a theater gay

he sings every musical

his favorites are Heathers, Beetle juice, Legally blond, and the greatest showman

Leo has theater kid energy but probably works the tech stuff

he likes heathers, Chicago, legally blond, Grease, and dear evan Hansen the best

Hamilton is neither of their favorites yet they end up dueting it all the time

Art kid and Repair kid>>>>>>>>>>>>

Percy sees them kiss after dating (and kissing) for 6 months and wait yall are friends?

Hes slow but he means well, Nico sticks his tongue in leo's mouth after percy says that

he's like  “O H , sorry im dumb”

“jackpot” “Valdez shush”

they talk abt their moms

angsty emo boys listen to greenday

and every other emo band

Leo calls Nico mammacita once

never again (Nico started crying)

why? It was commonplace used by his uncles and grandpa

Nico demands leo call him that more though

Leo is Hesitant but obliges

mexican or italian food restaurant arguments

leo steals nicos breadsticks even tho he has some

nico steals leo's nachos when he has his own

they're petty? yes but petty and in love!

and gay/ did i mention g a y 

Demiboy leo rights

leos a fuckin lefty

Trans Nico rights mtf or ftm rights

nico may not be trans but he's also demiboy

demi boys calling each other they all day because nobody uses the they in he/they (speaking as a demigirl)

If nico IS trans tho hades 100% uses magic to transition Nico bc yes good dad

laughing abt trauma and they're friends are like: NO

memes

“get ur hands off my bf”

“kick their ass baby i got cho flower”

imagine, just imagine nico fussing over leos hair because curly is the cutest

leo fusses over nicos when he's in a slump and brushes his hair

skincare is vital to both

Leo does engineering n shit but does it for like 16 hours straight much to everyone's dismay, but Nico who has (arguably) fresh eyes and make sure his physics is right

Nico loves physics fight me

but nico sleeps like 4 times a week for 3 hours or 3 days a week for 12 hours

Insomnia gang don’t rise up go to fuckin sleep 

will keeps giving them melatonin and they always forget to take ti and will is going to fuckin murder them maybe then they'll sleep

u know that comic where they naruto kiss S P I D E R M A N  K I S S I E S

nico hangs like a bat and leo is a memelord

nico also loves spider man

they def try to make spider man gear but annie smashes the shit out of it

dorks! comic!

omg comic book shop au nico owns it

soulmate au where u loose shit n it goes to ur soulmate

nico has NO clue what the hell to do with all this nails n hammers n shit

Leo builds stuff out of nicos lost mytho dupes 

Leo doesnt know what to do with his underwear, or all the mcdonalds receipts and the crumpled up sketches and sketch books

anyway

aphrodite ships it as she SHOULD and hades n heppy do too

why did i cal hephaestus heppy ? idk maybe aphrodite calls him that

They both hate yoga with a passion

does nico have an obsession with spn or does he hate it sm that he watches it ?

its as ambiguous as leo's sexuality!

Leos like what if i'm straight

then nico walks in 

No he's definitely not straight

who even heard of greeks being straight smh

Nico in miniskirts, aline, or any skirt makes leo go brrrrrrr

he wears leggings or tights under them though

Nico also wears leggins to bed

or the fluffy pants he steals from leo so leo doesn't have any pants

“IM FEELINGS DEVIOUS AND LOOKING GLAMORUS-”

band band band band band band band band band  Nico can sing and leo plays drums

Nico and katie are friends and Nico has a green thumb so leo is surprised when nico has more houseplants than crowley (Good omens)

He has tons of hanging and not hanging terrariums

Leo tries not to set them on fire

After Leo and Nico start hanging out more Nico bribes Lou Ellen to make his plants fire proof

they are now

Nico knows how to fire a gun and he's good at it

Pirate Nico!! 

Leo and Hades get along well

So does Nico and heppy

the parents get along too but they diss heras bad mothering

Nico gets de aged and leo is ???? but he's so CUTE AND TINY

Leo babysits him for a week in the bunker and nobody even knows until Percy and Will goes in there looking for him

Nico and Clarisse sparing? Sweaty bf? Leo loves it and chris and leo are just staring and say “yes”

Nico has freckles and leo kisses each one

Leo has these really dark freckles spread across his body but they aren't as frequent as freckles?? y'all know what i mean? ne way nico kisses them

Leo uses Yall. 

It rubs off on nico

jason is a die hard anti y’all

they annoy the shit out of him

Cuddles

nico and leo having bakeoffs

Nico asking piper for advice but editing it so its not super obvious its leo

She figures it out and tells leo like any good bff

nico promptly leaves camp when leo busts in asking if he has a crush on him

hades laughs but understands

leo sulks back to piper and percy is there and Percy got no chill

so he goes down there

Hades ain't too happy w that but Nico just gets so embarrassed and goes back with him

Hephaestus and aphro watching this go down like a romcom

I'm getting tired so im going to stop here anyway stan valdangelo for clear skin

#valdangelo #ghostfire #Leico #leo x nico #nico x leo #headcannons #valdangelo headcannons #pjo #hoo #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #jason grace #nico di angelo #leo valdez #heros of olympus #pjohoo #piper mclean #hazel levesque #stan for clear skin #gay #theese bitches gay

[ifuckinglovestvincent]

NY TIMES: St. Vincent Is Trying to Understand People

As she releases her sixth album, “Daddy’s Home,” the musician expounds on the lengthy documentaries, Janet Jackson bust and Joni Mitchell album that feed her creativity.

By Olivia Horn

May 4, 2021, 10:00 a.m. ET

Despite the hardships of the past year, Annie Clark’s sixth studio album came together with remarkable ease. “Maybe I earned a fun one,” Clark, who records under the name St. Vincent, mused. “Usually there’s some kind of ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ moment. And there just wasn’t.”

Clark, 38, spent much of 2020 shuttling between her home in Los Angeles and her family’s in Texas. But the record (“Daddy’s Home,” due May 14) was born at Electric Lady Studios in Manhattan, where she and her repeat collaborator Jack Antonoff landed on 1970s New York as their lodestar. The resulting songs ease away from the angular art-pop of “Masseduction” from 2017, opting for gentler, slouchier rock. The relative softness corresponds to Clark’s effort to treat the troubled, complicated characters that populate her record with care. Among them are the broke and lovelorn protagonist of the lead single “Pay Your Way in Pain,” Nina Simone, Marilyn Monroe and her own father, whose release from prison in 2019 inspired the title track.

Clark confessed that she did not meet her quarantine goals of learning conversational Italian or writing a tour bus cookbook, but she did read some books about the gulag. Calling from her “utilitarian” Los Angeles studio, she detailed 10 of her favorite things to watch, read and hear — many of her picks reflecting a fascination with history and an eagerness to unpack social and aesthetic violence. These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

1. William Scott Sculptures

I discovered William Scott’s work through David Byrne, at his place in New York. And when we were on tour with “Love This Giant,” we went to Creative Growth in Oakland [a nonprofit that supports artists with disabilities]. I had my eye on this bust of Janet Jackson. And then when I was back, I went and bought a bust of CeCe Winans. So I have these busts in my library.

A lot of the artists whose work I collect are people who are marginalized from society in one way or another. What I like about it is that the expression feels very pure. These are people who might not have all of the tools at their disposal or the education, or any of that, but they are compelled to make work. That kind of irrepressible urge in people — that I just find so inspiring and heartening and cool. And it’s completely divorced from any of the status of the quote, unquote, “art world.”

2. Adam Curtis’s Documentary Series “Century of the Self”

The way his work has been described is as emotional history or impressionistic history. The lines that he draws between events and trends are not exactly “A plus B equals C,” but the general thesis is like, “the collective consciousness is saying this.” As a writer, I’m always trying to understand systems and understand people.

3. Ric Burns’s “New York: A Documentary Film”

I used to live in a rent-controlled place in the East Village. But it was shady how I lived there, so I was never able to get utilities in my name. I lived there for 10 years and I didn’t have the internet, so I had DVDs. I used to go to Kim’s Video all the time and buy DVDs so when I would wake up hung over and be like, “Oh, just can’t quite make it out of bed today,” I would have something to put on. If I wanted to watch something it wasn’t like “Netflix and chill.” I associate that Ric Burns documentary with being either hung over or tired or both, and watching it in my bed.

4. Joni Mitchell’s “Hejira”

This is one of those Joni Mitchell records that I didn’t hear until I was in my early 20s. Everybody knows “Blue” and “Ladies of the Canyon,” but this is when I became a Joni Mitchell fan, with a capital F. This record’s just so deep. Her lyrics are … Cubist. I’m thinking of the one where she’s like, “In the mirrors of a modern bank/From the window of a hotel room.” And it’s all wiggles, you know? It’s like water, that record. And I don’t mean to make it about me, but I feel like I can understand some of the things that Joni talks about, like the refuge of the road, or watching the world from an airplane or being in a hotel room.

5. Maggie Nelson’s “The Art of Cruelty”

This is one of those books that I picked up six times and would get through a few pages and be like, “This is really brilliant,” but it felt impenetrable at first. Then I had this one weekend where the clouds parted, and I just could see it and plowed through it. It talks about the ethics of being an artist in a way that is so brilliant, and so not orthodox or finger wagging. I think it’s one of those books you can revisit at various points of your life.

6. Her Own STV Signature Series Guitar

Part of it was inspired by Klaus Nomi’s tuxedo. And I wanted it to hit my sternum in a particular way. I am cis female, so the way that it hits the sternum and then has a little bit of a cutaway, it makes room for my breast. But just one of them. There’s only room for one! I love it. It’s the only electric that I play, with very rare exception.

I saw people’s pictures of it from the Met [in the exhibition “Play It Loud: Instruments of Rock & Roll”], because I never got a chance to go and see it in real life. Most of the time, I just kind of like quietly put my head down and work — and then every once in a while, I look up and see something that I’ve made, and it’s mysterious that it’s in the world.

7. Wim Wenders’s “Pina”

I love Pina Bausch’s work. I was really inspired by “The Rite of Spring,” where the virgin dances herself to death. There’s this one particular movement that was like, drawing your hand above your head, and then when you pull it down, your elbow goes into your stomach — sort of like you’re open and then you’re impaling yourself. It just moved me to tears. So when I worked with my friend Annie-B Parson to choreograph the Digital Witness Tour, I was like, “Can we please incorporate this?” Another big thing: I was obsessed with falling. That was another big part of the Bausch work. How do you fall and make it look violent but not hurt yourself? I’d get a rehearsal room with Annie-B and just practice falling.

8. Vintage RCA 77-D Microphone

It’s an old ribbon mic, and it just sounds so good and warm. I know these are words that might not mean that much — when people describe sound as warm, it’s reductive. But it makes things sound and feel true. I don’t mean that it has perfect fidelity. What I mean is that when you sing into this microphone, what comes back at you feels honest. My friend Cian Riordan, who mixed “Daddy’s Home,” hipped me to this mic.

9. “Hidden Brain” Podcast

There was one recently about the idea of honor culture. You know, if someone is insulting someone’s masculinity and masculinity is tied up with honor, you have to avenge that insult. A lot of these “honor societies” end up with more violence because you have to save face and there’s less ways to assimilate conflict. The premise of so much of “Hidden Brain” is that we live by the stories we tell ourselves. And as a storyteller, that idea is very liberating to me, because if we live by the stories we tell ourselves, it means that when we get new information, we can assimilate that information and tell ourselves new stories.

10. Piazza della Signoria in Florence

The first time I was there was with my mom and sisters. I remember just walking through this piazza and having a wonderful time and wonderful conversation, and really being awe-struck by the architecture and the history, and just that life was beautiful. Another time, a number of years later, I was on tour with David Byrne and we had our last show in Florence, and I remember walking through with band members and then having the best dinner of my life after. It’s one of those places where, at very pivotal points of my life, I’ve been there and only beautiful things have happened to me.

#st vincent #annie clark #interviews #i like when interviews/articles contain lil nugs no one has heard about before #such as this one with the shady living situaish in the rent controlled apt #and KIM’S VIDEO #WHICH I ALSO WENT TO WHEN I LIVED IN NY #I feel like we’d always go there to get weird obscure hard to find movies #also: #re:re: ‘warm’​ think the term she is looking for is ‘like butter on tiddies’ #’WELL ITS WARM’ #are those m&ms ive done those #nice brain btw #🦦

[whatiwillsay]

off topic - let’s talk about gaylena 👀

selena gomez is one of taylor’s oldest and bestest friends and given that she is in the 22 liner notes, a huge part of taylor’s life, and maybe fruity herself it seems like possibly we don’t talk about her here at the blog enough!

i don’t want to do a timeline of selena and taylor’s friendship - you can read more about that here, but they met back in the day when they were both dating jonas brothers and to me this idea of finding a real friendship in the midst of these contrived promances is pretty adorable.

ofc most of y’all think taylor is a fruit basket but i think there’s a good chance that selena is too!  i’m not saying she is for sure but y’all know me.  i’’m here to make a compelling case that everyone and their dog is gay so let’s gooooo! 

Part I - At least one fake rs!  

Selena “dated” Taylor Lautner in 2009 and he’s definitely gay.  Of course, that doesn’t mean she is, it could just be PR, but y’all know I gotta note everything!  We stan our fruity bffs dating the same gays 😍

Part II - Selena x cara delevingne

i feel like there’s a chance they met through taylor but everyone in that squad adjacent circle knows one another.  cara dated michelle rodriguez for the first half of 2014 and then got with annie clark in March 2015 but it feels like it’s possible something has gone on between her and Selena from summer 2014 - early 2015? ...maybe something casual on and off a bit?

August 2014 - Steamy pics surface in Saint-Tropez, France

Selena and and a freshly single Cara vacation together in part to celebrate Selena’s 22nd birthday.

They party together and look cozy!

Pictures such as this surface and spark rumors around the two:

Selena apparently loves the rumors and gushes about being shipped with Cara.

Quote:

You say Selena drag queens were the true measure of success for you. But isn’t it true that you’re not truly famous until you’ve been the subject of a gay rumor? And last year, the tabloids had a field day with photos of you and Cara Delevingne. I’ve made it!

How did you react to those rumors? Honestly, I loved it. I didn’t mind it. Especially because they weren’t talking about other people in my life for once, which was wonderful. Honestly, though, she’s incredible and very open and she just makes me open. She’s so fun and she’s just extremely adventurous, and sometimes I just want that in my life, so I didn’t mind it. I loved it.

Notice she doesn’t deny them?  Now of course she could just be being cool, if she freaked out about it that might be even weirder but hey, it’s still kind of interesting.

Then she admits to questioning her sexuality???

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Oh, I think everybody does, no matter who they are. I do, yeah, of course. Absolutely. I think it’s healthy to gain a perspective on who you are deep down, question yourself and challenge yourself; it’s important to do that.

(Selena btw, this is cool and all, but not everybody questions their sexuality, maybe you’re just gay 👀)

November 1 - LACMA Art + Film Gala 

they even left the event together 👀

and they hung out earlier that day as well:

They were seen the next day partying for Kendall Jenner’s bday singing to her:

a few weeks later Cara tweets Selena’s lyrics!

In December 2014 they are travelling together in texas:

in january 2015 they get cozy at the golden globes together!

and they leave together again:

January 19th/20th a bunch of gay nonsense happens

They post this gay shit with matching shoes and linked fingers:

then they say this to one another:

Enty says they were hooking up!

then we don’t get any more content that i can find for about six months! perhaps they had a fling from summer 2014-jan 2015 and then it ends, Cara gets with Annie in March?  Then after half a year apart Selena and Cara resume a friendly relationship?  Perhaps!  Selena is seen with Justin a bit off and on during this time but this was in their Style/Heat Death Era imo (tbh i probably shouldn’t give a hetty pairing including Justin that designation 🤢but y’all get what I’m saying - it’s fully possible Selena was hooking up with both of them!

Now I’m not super familiar with Selena’s discography so y’all lmk if I’m missing anything major - lyric wise that point to her not being straight.

Selena’s album Revival that comes out after this relationship has a few songs with some vibes, even though I get the feeling a lot of it is probably about Justin, allow me to reach.  The title track could be translated as someone coming to terms with their sexuality (among other things):

I feel like I've awakened lately The chains around me are finally breaking I've been under self-restoration I've become my own salvation Showing up, no more hiding, hiding The light inside me is bursting, shining It's my, my, my time to butterfly

Good for you, imo, is too sexy to be about a man even if it’s not super queer lyrically it’s a vibe ok?

Me & My Girls might be a bestie anthem a la 22 (oh wait, no 22 was gay too) but I mean...could be about a girl gang of lesbians too!

And if we want it, we take it If we need money, we make it Nobody knows if we fake it You like to watch while we shake it I know we're making you thirsty You want us all in the worst way But you don't understand I don't need a man 

Quinn Fabray indeed!

Nobody feels probably like a retrospective on Justin 🙄but...there is a hint of sapphic craving in there!  Saying this particular lover loves them differently than everyone is a bit 👀 plus this stanza:

No oxygen, can barely breathe My darkest sin, you've raised release And it's all because of you, all because of you And I don't know what it is, but you've pulled me in No one compares, could ever begin To love me like you do And I wouldn't want them to

Is Perfect about some bitch Justin started dating?  Probably but bear with me here this song is actually pretty fucking gay.  Gay enough that I’m gonna add it to one of my gay playlists.  Could this song actually be about Cara moving on to Annie?

Ooh, and I bet she has it all Bet she's beautiful like you, like you And I bet she's got that touch Makes you fall in love, like you, like you

I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And she's perfect And she's perfect

Part III - Selena x Julia Michaels

Julia Michaels is a singer/songwriter known for her song Issues.  I don’t know her sexuality but she at the least has gay vibes!  It seems they met around this time perhaps because Julia wrote on Revival.

They have a friendly enough friendship for a few years, liking one another’s posts on IG from time to time, posing for a photo a time or two and then they seem to get swept up into this very intense friendship in 2019.  They write some music together and Julia goes whole hog in promoting the shoe brand Selena is hawking this time 😭

2019 - The Superior Sapphic Jelena Timeline:

It starts, for some reason with a lot of shoe promotion:

chill, chill

more shoes

but more gayness?

this homo shit

ok...

Then we go into the REALLY GAY NOVEMBER OF 2019:

Then they perform together:

And...actually kiss...on the mouth on stage???

Sure it’s just a peck but still...if that were a guy people would say they were dating.  

Somehow kissing on the mouth isn’t the gayest thing these girls do over this period because these fucking dykes got matching tattoos.  I’ve read enough Larry blogs to know this actually means they’re secretly married.  All jokes aside this is fruity behavior. 

From their IG stories:

Selena gets Julia a very nice christmas gift:

Covid sets in and content drops off but god damn!  It’s possible they just had an intense friendship but if a man and a woman collabed on music together, kissed in public, and got matching tattoos everyone would say they were dating!

Selena, as far as I can find, didn’t have any public boyfriends around this time so who are some of these love songs about?

Rare comes out in January 2020 and perhaps has some gayish songs?

Don’t tell me why but boyfriend lowkey, has a gay vibe.  Don’t ask me to explain it but it’s just the musicality of it.

Crowded Room could be a love song for Julia?  (or by Julia for Selena, since they’re collaborators?)

Baby, it's just me and you Baby, it's just me and you Just us two Even in a crowded room Baby, it's just me and you, yeah

These are general gay vibes, our secret moments in a crowded room tease

It started polite, out on thin ice 'Til you came over to break it I threw you a line and you were mine

It would have started out polite between them, since they worked together for years before whatever 2019 was happened.  And throwing someone a line first of all makes Selena sound like the aggressor but also “throwing someone a line” could be a reference to writing songs together.

Yeah, I was afraid, but you made it safe I guess that is our combination Said you feel lost, well, so do I So won't you call me in the morning? I think that you should call me in the morning If you feel the same, 'cause

Lots of people are afraid at the beginning of a gay rs.  Treacherous tease 👀

In summation!

Selena does gay stuff like fantasizing ab kissing other women in her music, getting very touchy with famous dykes on vacay, hangs out with Taylor Swift, has chronic mental health issues, dated a jonas brother and a twilight gay, has admitted to questioning her sexuality, and loves being shipped with women.  Is she gay?  I don’t know!   But all she’s missing from her celesbian bingo card is a suspiciously intense friendship with a Glee Cast member! What do you guys think?  Selena fruity or just weird?

Edit to add: so apparently I missed an entire ship and Selena supposedly acted really gay all the time with her backup dancer Charity Baroni.  Exposing SMG has posted a lot about all that.

Also Selena has been cast in a gay role! edit to add: @bisluthq went and found this for me - julia is indeed a fruit queen

#selena gomez #gaylena #taylena #gossip #cara delevingne #julia michaels #lesbian #sapphic #of interest #taylor's fruity friends

[crippledboyfriend]

For the last two years I've been dedicated to the DNRS program to tackle my mobility issues. I am giving up and moving on to something new. I stopped getting déjà vu in the first few months and experienced some positive mental changes but most of all it has put me in the deepest depression I've ever felt. I'll share some gems that I did learn about being mindful and making your brain more neuro plastic so you can make new healthier brain pathways if your brain is stuck in flight or flight.

With your brain was stuck in flight or flight, you can feel constant pain and fear. The idea is that you shouldn't trust your emotions. Be calm and collected in any situation. I have taught myself not to panic and feel like I need to solve any problems immediately. Most everything I can get to on my own time without stressing myself out hurrying to fix it. I used to have a daily crisis but for the last year the only issue important enough that came up was an earthquake nearby where my old foreign exchange student lived. I was worried, dropped what I was doing to text her and killed all of my fears when I immediately got a text back from her that she was okay. Not being scared made the sense of doom I got when I would have déjà vu seem more manageable and the problem went away.

What you're supposed to keep your brain busy and focus on your other senses. Appreciating and imagining scents and tastes does seem to take up the space in my mind that can shut up anxious thoughts. I can find spicy food especially grounding. Sometimes if I focus too hard I'll find myself worrying while also focusing on a visualization and realize I'm not taking in anything that's going on whatever TV show I'm watching. But I have found a lot of little things to try to keep thinking about, like imagining the world around me in different art styles, counting the numbers of colors I see and putting names to the shades. I tried to keep a song stuck in my head at all times now and go through all the lyrics. Another thing the program suggests is to picture a color flowing through your body. I have allodynia so when being shook, tapped, or lightly touched I get muscle spasms, and sometimes I think visualizing a color helps. I keep that up while I'm in the car moving over potholes that trigger me.

The program teaches you how to elevate your mood. They encourage you to enjoy putting yourself in a Big Mood. Get pumped up like you're at an exciting game or you're watching one of your favorite anime openings. Try pretending you're drunk or on cocaine to get out of a funk. Pick out vibes you like and try to feel and enjoy them as long as you can. They suggest essentially making mood boards to keep your mind busy and inspired. I found on my own that if I am just thinking about whump I try to keep relaxed with it on my mind for as long as possible.

I also listened to Daniel Howells audiobook you will get through this night which is full of advice for being mindful and recommend you check it out. He says to try to comfort yourself imagining how you want someone to comfort you and he also said something about having thoughts and just letting them come and pass which really stuck with me.

Another aspect of the program is to acknowledge what you're thankful for as you visualize past memories. As I did this, I started seeing clear like black and white things that I'm thankful for versus things that I'm angry about. I didn't use to argue, and very soon after starting this program I began arguing every day, along with crying every day. I don't think I cried once in the whole year earlier. I talked with a coach who gave great advice to take issues I have and picture putting them away in a box that I can open whenever I'm ready and don't need to waste my time and energy thinking about them while I'm upset.

The DVDs that teach you how to implement the program into your life are filled with hours of the doctor Annie Hopper who created this program sobbing about how hard her life used to be but it's all worth it because now she can help other people since she learned how to fix herself with her medical expertise, yet she still charges $250 to get started. Don't hesitate to ask me questions if you are considering the program, and if you're already doing these exercises, I'll try to share advice with you and be someone to relate to.

#DNRS #spoonie #Mindfulness #Anxiety #Depression

[paodequeijofeliz-blog]

I would do it all again

Ride or Die Fanfiction (characters and main story belongs to Pixelberry Studios).

Pairing: Mona and MC (Annie)

Information: this takes place after the first book.

Summary: After what happened at the parking lot, each member of the crew tries to build a new life, following the “every man for himself” motto. But Annie doesn’t agree with that and tries to pull them back together, especially Mona, who she has been waiting for too many years. 

Warnings: none. For now. 

Part 2

I would do it all again - Part 1

         Six years. It had been six years.

         Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t wait for me.

         Mona’s voice was still very much alive in Annie’s head, even though she hadn’t listened to it in six fucking years.

         Not for lack of trying, of course. She was too damn stubborn to follow Mona’s orders, no matter how hard the convict tried to force her into it. During the trial, Annie would always sit as close as possible, whispering comforting things such as “I’m with you”, “I’m still here, you know” or “Damn you’re lookin’ hot today”. The last one caught a smile from Mona, but the woman was still not answering or even glancing at her… Girlfriend? Annie didn’t know if they got to be that. It didn’t matter, though. It looked like the Lebanese was sticking to her ground. The last thing she said to Annie, after the sentence was decided, was “now you have to forget me”.

         Of course, that wasn’t going to happen.

         It took a while, but Annie finally found out where they moved Mona to. Muncy – she sighed, hands on the wheel for that very long drive. – Philly, really? Could it be any further?

         That was the decision that altered her entire life. She was a smart girl, so smart, in fact, that managed to get into three different universities. Luckily, the University of Pennsylvania was one of them, so moving to Philadelphia wasn’t such a crazy plan anyway.  Annie had to figure some things out: where to stay, where to work, how to do things… Eventually, it all settled and there she was, living on campus with four crazy roommates and a pretty good job tutoring high school kids.

         Ever since day one, the girl tried really hard to break Mona’s resistance. She visited, called, wrote, sent gifts… But no answer came back. Every time Annie would go on visitation’s day, she had to sit and wait for nothing. Mona never came through the door. Never picked up the phone either, no matter how insistent her trying was. People there soon got familiar with Annie’s face, the naïve young woman the new inmate was ignoring. Guards didn’t like her, but she got to be friends with someone else from the inside: Dominick Ferreira, an Argentine art teacher who had a small project teaching painting and sculping to the inmates. Guards didn’t like him either. They soon became friends, talking about TV Shows while Annie waited for long hours in the empty room.

         Six years. Mona never gave up on her attitude.

But the girl knew, nonetheless, that the feeling was still there. She knew the letters were being read, at least. The first four years flew by, and Annie graduated in History and started to work as a teacher at a school nearby the campus.  

         Until she received terrible news.

         “I’m really sorry, Ann…” Dominick put a hand on her shoulder, both alone in the prison’s waiting room. After four years confiding on each other, she felt comfortable enough to hug and sob on his arms. He was around the same age of her father. Well… past father. “Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to arrange things for the funeral?”

         “No, I need to do that on my own. Thanks. I just…” - she sniffed, cleaning her face for the tenth time that day. – “I just… God, she’s so stubborn! Toby accepts my calls, Ximena writes me every month, but Mona… I just really wanted to talk to her. Once.”

         “I can try asking one of the guards to help with that.”

         “No, no. She would hate me then. I can’t force it.” – another sniff. – “Did she receive the magazine? And the letter?”

         “Yeah, I made sure of it. Like always.” – Dom pinched Annie’s nose. She reminded his niece so much. “And I definitely saw her reading them.”

         That’s the system Annie found. If Mona wasn’t going to see or talk to her, then she needed another entrance. Every week, the girl would bring a new edition of Motor Trend magazine and a letter for Dom to deliver, then patiently waited outside, hoping this time Mona would finally accept the visitation. The second part never happened, but the first one seemed to be working. After losing her father, she got even closer to the art teacher. He was the only one nice around there.

         “I’ve got good news.” Dominick whispered one day, waiting for the other two officers to leave for coffee before saying anything else. “The FBI stepped in. Apparently, the material you guys gave them helped to bring down another big fish. Jason had a partner in NYPD doing the same thing. So, they had a hearing today and reconsidered Mona’s sentence. If she keeps the good behaviour, it’ll be reduced from fifteen to only eight years, which means she can be out on parole soon enough.”

“Tell me how it works.” Annie answered with a seriously committed look.

         That’s how now, after six years apart from each other, she was sitting on the car hood, waiting for them to open the gates. Dominick explained every single rule of parole so many times, Annie probably knew it even better than the parole officer himself. She had a year to prepare things for the release, making sure every single detail was reviewed. But now, looking at that gorgeous tall woman carrying a bag and a scowl on her face, Annie felt like maybe the details wouldn’t matter.

         What if she just doesn’t want anything to do with me?

         There was only one way to find out.

         “Hi, you.”

         “What the hell are you doing here?”

         “Picking you up, duh. You needed a ride.” Annie arched an eyebrow, capturing something in Mona’s face. A shadow of relief? Maybe.

         The convict glanced at the car, a criticizing tone on her voice.

         “What happened to your car? Does that thing even work?”

         “I had to sell it. This one is old, but reliable. And his name’s Harold. Be nice.” She took the bag without waiting for permission, tossing it in the trunk before climbing into the driver’s seat. A grumpy Mona sat beside her, mumbling about how “Harold” was a stupid name for a car.

         “Where are you going? Drop me at the station. It’s good enough.”

         “You can’t leave the state.” She glanced briefly at Mona with the corner of her eyes, hands holding the wheel a little bit stronger.

         Even though Annie was trying to focus on the road, she could feel the woman’s dark eyes studying her intensely. After a couple minutes in silence, the driver risked talking again. “We need to solve some stuff first.”

         Mona didn’t answer. Her face was unreadable while watching Annie pull over in the parking lot of an old dinner in the middle of nowhere. The girl’s hands still holding the wheel so strongly, it seemed she was about to go on a race.

         “Do you still like me?”

         Not a single word. Not even a movement.

         “Well?” Annie finally let her hands slide to her lap, frustrated by the silence. “It’s a yes or no question, Mon. It’s not that hard.”

         “Yes.”

         She searched for more hints on Mona’s face, but that was it. One word. No expression. Nothing else.

         “Ok.” Annie bit her lower lip, insecure. “Ok then.”

         The engine creaked at the turn of the key. The car had barely moved, crossing the road only to park again at an empty and dusty mechanic shop, with no living soul around. “Welcome to your new home, I guess”.

         Mona finally had an expression on her face. A mix of confusion and shock, so startled that she only understood what was going on when saw Annie unlock and pull the gates up with a crowbar picked up from the corner. “Drive in!” she asked, signing to the convict with a shy smile.

         “What the hell did you do…” Mona jumped on the driver’s seat, driving that old stubborn piece of trash into the shop.

         Annie was still trying to lower the gate when heard Mona snap from the car.

         “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?”

         “What?” she jumped again, still not catching the hoop with the crowbar.

         “Oh, for god’s sake, gi’me that.” Mona took the crowbar and pulled the gate down with a single movement. When it hit the floor, both of her hands held Annie against it, one of each sider of the girl. That would’ve turned her on, if it wasn’t for the deadly dangerous look on the convict’s face. “Answers. Now.”

         “I…” she lost track of it, the proximity making the knees tremble a little. “No one… I don’t… It’s not…”.

         “Who’s the boss here?”

         “Me?” Annie shook her head, confuse. “Mon, I don’t work for anyone. I mean, for the principal, maybe? I’m a teacher. You know that. You read my letters.”

         “Who’s auto shop is this, then? Is it Colt’s? Did he drag you into this?”

         The plug finally fell. Suddenly realizing what the snap was about, Annie chuckled. “You idiot, you do care about me, don’t you?”

         That took Mona off guarded, but she didn’t retreat, arms still blocking the girl against the gate.

         “There’s no boss, Mon. And I haven’t seen Colt ever since what happened that night. This is my auto shop. I bought it last year. We’ll… Ours if you decide to get on board.” Annie risked pulling her closer by the waist, so tempted to kiss that angry face. “There’s no danger here, I promise. We’re safe.”

         Oh crap, thought Mona, seconds before throwing the crowbar away so she could dive her hands in Annie’s hair. The kiss that followed was so hungry and careless like it would never stop again. Their hands couldn’t stay still, both eager to remember each other’s curves and sensitive spots. Mona was doing the exact thing she promised herself not to. For six long years, she tried to ignore the visitations, calls, letters, everything that had Annie tagged along. It took all her strength to do it. Eventually, Mona gave in and started to read those damn letters, since it looked like they weren’t gonna stop coming anyway. That made waiting even worse, especially when the convict had decided to leave Annie’s life for good. She was convinced the girl deserved better…

         “Look what you do to me.” Mona growled, holding Annie so close they could barely breath. She couldn’t leave. Now that Ann was finally trapped in her arms, there was no backing down. “I was gonna flee, you know?”

         “Hate to spoil your plans, babe. But there’s an apartment upstairs waiting for you to settle in.”

         Foreheads together, breathing slowly, both started to cool off bit by bit, but Mona’s grip was still tight around the girl’s waist. “I told you to forget me. To live your life. Damn it, Ann. I ignored you for six years, how could you still stick around?”

         “Cause’ you were just being stubborn. I knew you were reading my letters.” Her smile was fragile while she was putting on a fight against tears. “And I did live my life. I graduated. Published my monography. Then finished the master’s degree and published the dissertation too. Got a good job. Made friends. Bought a place to live. I did all of it. Waiting for you didn’t stop me from living.”

         “You wouldn’t be stuck in Philly if it wasn’t for me. Maybe by now you’d be married to a badass Harvard lawyer, living in Boston and adopting a bird.”

         “I’m a cat and dog person.” She twitched her nose, laughing. “I hate lawyers too.”

         Mona roller her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

         Annie got serious suddenly. They needed to talk things through at some point.

         “Okay. Listen. I did some changes in my life, yes. For you. But that was MY choice. So, you don’t get to be mad at me, alright? Or feel guilty. Any of it. And if you prefer to leave…” she hesitated, heart pounding at the idea of losing Mona again. “… you can always leave. I only wish you to stay if that’s what you really wanna do. Don’t fool me. Don’t lie. I deserve the truth, at least. We’re clear?”

         “Yes.” Mona was serious too. There was a big struggle going on inside her, problems and emotions she lived in prison and that Annie wouldn’t understand. Couldn’t. “I won’t fool you. That much I can promise.”

         “Good.” She slid away the embrace, pulling the woman by one of the wrists. “Let me show where you might live if you want to. And then you can decide what to do from here.”

         “We.” Mona tangled their fingers together, a long sigh of relief escaping her lungs. “What we do from here.”

#mona x mc #ride or die #choices: stories you play #choices: ride or die #sorry I'm too soft to write ANGST #but there will be trouble eventually #with Toby and Ximena because they deserve the spotlight

[girlsbtrs]

Lia Menaker on her music, inspirations, and teaming up with Melanated Social Work

Written and edited by James N. Grey. Graphic by Moira Ashley. 

Lia Menaker wants to support Black lives, specifically within the mental health sphere. So she donated the proceeds from her album, I am Kyrøs, toward ending the stigma around mental health in those communities. Girls Behind the Rock Show connected with her to get her perspective on her music, her identification with the cause, and how she feels it all ties together.

How did you find Melanated Social Work and how did you identify with their cause? 

I actually know one of the founders personally, Marvin Toliver, so I’ve been following their social media and learning about the organization from him. We are talking a lot about police reform and the justice system now, which is great and important. But we often forget about the health component. And these guys, in their focus on the liberation of Black and Brown people, are working to end the stigma around mental health in Black and Brown communities, and working to make sure mental health professionals are truly culturally competent. I realized that they were the best place to dedicate my resources and time to.

What inspired you to donate your Bandcamp proceeds to them?

George Floyd was killed just weeks before my EP was set to release. And when the riots started, and the country started waking up to the level of police brutality threatening people of color, and the injustice of our institutions, it felt very strange to release the EP. The intersection of everything—COVID-19, the racial disparities and economic inequalities thus heightened, and the slew of unjust murders of POC—all became this giant traumatic thing our country was experiencing. I felt Black voices should be heightened, and in many ways, felt that it wasn't the right time to share the music. But on the other side of things, I also knew the world needed as much art as possible, of all kinds. Since the songs dealt with identity and the self, they could relate to what was going on in many ways. 

I decided the best thing to do would be to release the music as planned, and in between the sharing and promoting of the album, to highlight as many Black voices and resources and information as possible. I wanted this to incorporate a donation and some awareness of solid Black-run organizations. 

How has being Kyrøs allowed you to be more creative and free? 

The word “kairos” is an ancient Greek concept referring to that perfect melding of space and time when it’s the opportune moment to act. It was a way of measuring time in moments (versus “kronos,” which was their concept for chronological time). When I came across the word, it felt like it described my change as an artist to a T. And once I took on the name, all that history that comes with one’s name—the feelings, memories, habits and obstacles that came with 30+ years of being “Lia Menaker”— dissolved. I think I subconsciously felt the freedom to try new things. 

I started producing, and getting super creative on my live streams. I was improv-ing with no idea what I was doing, but it didn’t matter. I just kept doing it and didn’t feel the same self-judgment I’d had before. Approaching music with a sort of reckless abandon allowed me to be the best and boldest version of myself.

But what’s interesting is even the things that free you can start to take control of you. That high you get from being in such an open, creative space…you can only ride that wavelength for so long. At some point, you get stuck again, and you find yourself chasing that high. It can become an addiction, you know? 

In a way, I ended up clinging to that identity of who I was when I was kyrøs, and I didn’t realize it until I was literally releasing the songs. It’s a big reason why it became the album name instead of my new artist name. I realized it was really more of an alter ego all along. That it didn’t replace Lia Menaker as an artist. So it turns out I was still learning lessons on identity as I was releasing the songs!

How did your childhood in theater and pop music inspire you?

While kids watched shows like Sesame Street and Barney, I was watching Annie, The Sound of Music, [and] Peter Pan… I was always drawn to it and felt like I could see myself in the characters. I begged my mom to do a musical at age 6 (Oliver), and then I was hooked doing musicals the rest of my childhood and most of my young adult life. So I think it felt like a language I understood, a form of expression I connected to on another level. There was always a story to the songs, an arc, [and] often, deep emotion and expressive vocals. I think the way I approach music—my soulfulness and the way I connect to it—comes from years of growing up with that. Also, I think a lot of my phrasing and how I articulate words comes from the musical theatre influence.

I think it was later in life that pop music began to really inspire me. Discovering Joni Mitchell was a huge one. Her incredible use of lyrics (in my opinion, she’s one of the lyrical greats and extremely underrated), and her 100% unabashed authenticity and womanliness was captivating. Her music is poetic, moody, unique—filled with so much complex emotion and story. Lyrically, I think my first album (Animal Behavior, in 2015) shows some of her influence on me. Especially the opening track, “Holding My Space.” 

But pop aside, some of the great jazz vocalists were a big influence on me as well. It started with Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. It was an easy segue because they sang a lot of Gershwin and musical theatre covers, but then I delved deeper into their work, and eventually found (and fell in love with) Nina Simone too. The raw, warm, raspy, bold voice filled with more soul and both joy and pain than I could imagine. And I always found that type of music so beautiful as a kid. I just found that part of people to be equally as beautiful as the lighter side, and found expressing pain through art to be the most incredible thing. So when I heard music that captured that, I think I was always intrigued. 

What storylines in your 30's did you find that you were shucking off?

I had this limited view of myself my whole life as a singer/performer. Since I was 6 years old, that was my life: community theatre as a kid, studying musical theatre at Penn State, tours and regional theatre, then songwriting, music and singing in every fashion. It was the way I saw my value to the world, and I basically lived for my dreams and goals—this is how I saw whether or not I was successful. And the thought of not reaching them consumed me… 

I always felt I wasn’t measuring up to whom I could be. This was a huge storyline I had to face: this idea of not being enough right now. And then it got me thinking about all this living in the ego… and “if I’m not my dreams, my goals, or even my job, what am I?” This inspired the song “Some Kind” because I realized if I wasn’t those things I most identified with, I was still me. A lot of the lyrics to that song express the storylines I grappled with, and also how I made sense of them: “We measure all that’s left with time - a calculated art. The things we do that give us pride, we hold up high as if it’s all that we are / All the stories give us meaning - keep us moving on… make it real. Run our choices, our bodies - keep us fused to what we feel.” 

I would look back periodically at my life and think things like “What have I even done? My tour wasn’t successful enough, not enough people are listening to my music, I don’t make the money I should be making at this age, I’ll never amount to anything.” [I used] whatever metrics I thought would show me proof of a valuable life. I still struggle with them sometimes. Realizing the storylines is just the start. You have to keep checking yourself [and make sure] that you’re not caught up in them again. They were ingrained in my head for years, so it takes time to rewire the brain. 

Ultimately, in my 30s, I’m finding so much more joy in the process and the creation itself, and trying to practice looking at what I have in my life as “enough.” The older I get, the more I see life passing quicker, and the more I just want to take it all in. To bask in love and music and the feeling of living with versus without. The 30s are a great time, because I think it’s the decade where a lot of us start to realize these things. Though, of course, some of us go our entire lives without feeling like we are, or we have enough. And new storylines will always be created, so we have to just keep checking ourselves. Especially when we’re all so obsessed with social media. Social media is literally a collection of storylines.

What inspired you to meld together eclectic sounds? Why a soulful, jazzy voice with a minimalistic background?

I’ve always loved warm, jazz vocals. As I mentioned earlier, I grew up engrossed in musical theatre, and that included a lot of standards by singers like Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald. About four years ago, I also re-fell in love with Amy Winehouse and started really listening to her vocals and her style, pinpointing what it was that I loved so much. There’s a mix of this warmth and authenticity, but with a modern edge that just hits you in all the right places. So that’s what’s inspired my sound vocally.

But at the same time, I’m a big fan of using unconventional sounds and challenging people’s ears. A lot of what I’ve listened to over the past few years has strong electronic elements. SOHN is one I’m really drawn to, and he’s brilliant at the mix of pure/simple and unconventional. He has this way of putting a simple, soaring, haunting vocal over a backdrop of complex, evolving electronic elements. It’s a sound that you can’t produce with conventional instruments. When I first heard him, it blew my mind—it was like a spiritual experience, and I thought “I want to do THAT!” Susanne Sundfor’s Silicone Veil album was a big game changer for me too. 

I loved the idea of marrying the two worlds—this classic, timeless feel with an electronic modern sound that reflects the times—to create something authentic to me and my influences. With so much of our world being digital now, it felt right to experiment with electronic elements. And when I started playing around with new software, and some samples, beats, and different gear, it just all slowly started to meld together into a sound that felt right.

What were some favorite ways that you experimented with sounds and techniques to achieve your sound? Anything that you might take over with you into the future?

A lot of the experimentation happened (and continues to happen) during my weekly live streams on Twitch (@liamenaker). It’s sort of the place where I have permission to work through songs, try stuff out, and honestly just have a lot of fun and engage with others during the creation process. The community there is also so incredibly supportive and open. The last song I wrote for the album, “Imprinted,” started out as some improv loops and just fooling around on my Twitch live stream: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xWjEAYAa7w. And I have at least four others waiting in the queue to finish that also began the same way. One of which I sent over to a jazz funk band in Paris to collaborate with me on. So I’ll definitely keep this as part of my approach. 

Aside from that, my process is always changing, to be honest. So I’m trying to remain open to new techniques and approaches, and to keep allowing myself to be inspired by other artists and sounds. I’d like to explore more synth sounds and recording techniques, and just keep improving as an artist and producer as well. One thing I’ve noticed, too, is if I zero in too much on one writing approach or technique, I start to cling to it, relying on that as the way I “should” write everything. And then things just start to feel stale for me, or I run out of juice or hit a writer’s block. Then I find a new technique or gear or collaboration. I guess that’s why my approach keeps changing. We’ll see how long the current one sticks for, ha!

Which track on the EP is your favorite and why?

I think it keeps changing. But at the moment, the opening track "All My Life" is my favorite. I’m really connecting to the meditative and tribal nature of it, and I think the chorus is the catchiest of the songs. It has that "nobody's gonna bring me down!" feeling too, which feels extra relevant now, as many of us in the country feel like we're just pushing forward, doing everything we can to make things work during this difficult time.

I constantly imagine songs in other places: are there any movies/TV shows or any other places where you'd imagine your songs would play?

I can see some of these in crime and murder mystery-type shows. I’ve had people tell me “Imprinted” has a Twin Peaks or James Bond feel to it. So maybe a show or movie with a kind of slinky jazz lounge vibe. There’s definitely a meditative, tribal feel to some of the songs too, so I think they could work in a movie/TV show with that vibe. But honestly, I think less about music in terms of specific movies or TV shows, and more about fitting themes. So, for example, “All My Life” is perfect to capture that theme of being unstoppable, or a character finally going after their dream. “Stranger” would work well for a theme of not feeling like yourself or acting out of character. I think a lot of the songs on the album fit clear, universal themes, and so I’m hoping that I can find some success pitching these to music supervisors, production companies, etc.

For all us young'un's out there: How much of our identity is actually wrapped up in our dreams? Do you think it's important to separate our dreams, identity, and realities?

Uh oh… you’re going to get me on a soapbox, ha!

So I think it’s different for everyone, but I think it’s fair to say that for most of us, yes, our identity is either wrapped up in our dreams and/or in our work. Think about it. When we meet people, how often do we ask, “What do you do?” as if the answer will give us an accurate idea of who they really are. And how often do we judge people based on their careers?

But the truth is, achievements DO NOT define who you are, and do not define your worth, value, or potential. And while dreams can shape us, they can also limit us. They can keep us from seeing other sides of ourselves. And when we’re hyper focused on them, we miss out on so much beauty! I find the most memorable moments of life are actually quiet, behind the scenes, and not at all the result of working towards a dream or goal. [Goals] are not as great when they determine your ultimate view of yourself and control your amount of suffering. 

I think I’m just realizing now too, that I hate the term “dream.” Dream sounds like an “all or nothing” approach. “Ideal” feels more flexible. For some reason, it feels healthier for me to look at it as “my ideal situation” version “my dream.”All around us, we’re being told we need to “dream big” and “you can do whatever you set your mind to” and “live up to your potential.” We love to dote on famous and rich people or take courses on how to be like them. Those who never “make it” (whatever that awful phrase even means) are looked at as failures, less successful, not as worthy or talented or smart. It’s. All. Bullshit. And the song on the EP “Imprinted” basically revolves around all of this. 

So do I think it’s important to separate our dreams, identity, and realities? I think it’s probably unrealistic to try to. I think it’s all intertwined. Our dreams (or “ideal situation,” ha) will probably shape a bit of who we are (our identity). But I think the key is to understand [that] it’s a very small, ego-driven piece of who we are, and doesn’t ultimately define us. And I think it’s important to see our identities (and dreams for that matter) as constantly shifting. To, as one of my favorite spiritual teachers Pema Chödrön talks about, get comfortable with the fact that the ground beneath us is always shifting. I think it’s healthy to incorporate the stuff on the ego-level (dreams, identity) and the stuff underneath, the non-ego (that pure essence of who we are underneath the dreams, underneath the identity perceptions, underneath all judgments and experiences). Because while the stuff on the surface doesn’t define the essence of who we are, it’s still a reality that we take the train into work, or have to cook dinner for the kids, or need to make money to survive, right? These are still very real; they’re just not the full picture. And that’s the important part.

I think it’s especially important for the younger generations to pay attention to all of this in the age of social media. [Social media has] made understanding the truth of who we are and the idea of living in the non-ego so hard. Social media is all ego, storylines. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a lot of good aspects to it too. But it make[s] it very hard to feel and see the layers of a situation. Things are often black and white on social media, and we are sold specific messages on what it means to be successful and happy. It’s a system based on instant gratification (likes, comments, followers), and we have the tendency to add it up to calculate our value. If we’re not careful, it can drive us further from the whole truth, and deeper into the storylines.

Lia Menaker’s album I am Kyrøs is available now on https://liamenaker.bandcamp.com/. 

All proceeds throughout the month of July benefit Melanated Social Work [https://www.instagram.com/melanatedsocialwork/?hl=en]. 

#james nida grey

[dayenurose]

A little while back @deadhermiteyes posted a lovely piece of Dick/Babs fan art she drew. (View it here! It really is lovely). And she happened to mention that she’d like it if someone would write something based off of it. Which, in turn, kick-started my writing brain and I was inspired to write this piece.

A couple of quick notes… The artist captioned her picture with the line: “We used to leave the galas and come here all the time when we were kids, Dick. They’re gonna find us!” I have included it in the story (with a minor edit). All credit for that line goes to her.

Also, she mentioned wanting something angsty, so there is angst.

[Read on ao3]

Enjoy…

Moving On

The gala was in full swing. Photo ops had been snapped and sound bites gathered. The charity had been praised—a foundation supporting adult literacy programs—and the family thanked for their continuing support. Especially in these trying times.... The evening had marched on at a maddening slow pace until Dick didn’t think he could stand another moment of this farce. Then, as it had always been the case since he was a child, there was a moment when the crowd ceased to pay attention to him and he might as well have been invisible. Taking advantage of this lapse of attention, Dick slipped away from the gala and made good his escape. He had a few minutes before he would be missed.

Leaving the party behind, Dick made his way to the roof. The access door shut behind him on groaning hinges, leaving him alone in the blissful silence of the rooftop garden. Listlessly he meandered along the path which wound in and out of various garden patches, while his thoughts wandered a less steady way.  

They had convinced him to come tonight. They had told him it was time, that this was important, but the gala had been too much. Too many people with too many questions. He had to get away. Even if it was only for a moment. Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply and took in the cool night air heavy with the promise of rain. This he missed.

From this perspective, high over the city, Dick felt more at home than he did when he was on the ground below, mingling with people he scarcely knew. Playing a role and moving on. He hated that phrase. That was all anyone said to him anymore.

Dick sat along the low retaining wall, confident he would not fall despite being six stories above the ground. Shrugging out of his jacket and loosening his tie, he abandoned both on the ledge beside him. They were strangling him. He could barely breathe as it was. He needed...he needed her.

It had been too long since he’d taken to the rooftops. He couldn’t, not anymore. It would be foolish, irresponsible. He wouldn’t.  

Still, Dick could taste the freedom which leaping off rooftops and gliding through the air had always granted him before. It had been too long since he felt like the “daring young man on the flying trapeze.” Oh, how she used to tease him.

Shaking his head as though it were possible to clear his brain of the unwanted thoughts. Too many memories clung to his shoulders —clipped his wings and pinioned him to the ground. The wind bit through the thin silk of his shirt and ruffled his hair. Tomorrow, he told himself, I’ll go back on the trapeze tomorrow. From there, maybe things would look brighter. It had helped in the past. He just needed this tonight.

Retrieving the device from his jacket pocket, Dick turned it over and over again in his hands. He shouldn’t be doing this. He promised....

With a click, Dick turned on the device, set it on the ledge and waited.

“Dick? Are you up here?” Babs’ voice rang through the otherwise silent night. It was too close, while at the same time being far too distant.

Hesitating for only a moment, Dick pushed himself to his feet and stood as still as stone. He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be here. He needed to stop living in the past.

“Dick, where are you? This isn’t funny.” Despite the rebuke in her words, there was amusement in her voice.

He didn’t rush to her as had once been his custom. Instead he stayed his mark. If he wanted this, he needed to stay here. To endure the wait, Dick closed his eyes and breathed deeply. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t quite fill his lungs.

“There you are, Hunk Wonder,” Babs called as she rounded the corner of the path. Her movements were slow and a bit awkward. After the experimental spinal surgery started to fail, she had good days and bad ones. More often than not, she spent most of her time in her wheelchair than not. But, for this occasion, she’d felt up to walking.

“Yeah, here I am.” His voice almost sounded normal. Not that she would notice one way or the other.

Dick opened his eyes and openly stared at Babs, drinking in every detail. Her smile lit up her face and a teasing glimmer sparked in her green eyes. At the sight of her, his heart raced in his chest. His expression softened and his lips curled into a smile. This...he needed this.

Her eyes. They sparked with more excitement than they usually did when they met for these secret assignations. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Dick grinned. “I needed to get away for a moment.”

“I know. Me too. No matter how many times we do this, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to all this hobnobbing.” The breeze caught at her hair as she pulled out the pins and allowed the long locks to tumble about her shoulders. The loose braid which had formally accented the updo was quickly lost amid the red curls. She massaged her temples and exhaled a sigh of relief. “That feels better.”

He wanted to run his fingers through her hair, but held back.

Taking a step closer, she shivered and ran a hand over her bare arms. “It’s getting too cold for rooftop meetings.”

“But the view is gorgeous.” His gaze followed the deep v neckline of her dark charcoal dress.

A rosy flush coloured her pale cheeks as she followed the progression of his hungry gaze.  “Dick, not here. We used to leave the galas and come here all the time when we were kids. They’re gonna find us!”

“We have a few minutes before anyone will miss us,” he mumbled. Spinning her around so her back pressed against his front, Dick wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close, interlacing their fingers. The pose wasn’t as easy or as comfortable, as it had once been. His left arm traced down the length of hers until he captured her hand in his. He tried ignore the missing cool metal of her wedding band. Babs giggled, the joy effusing every ounce of her being.

“The gardens look lovely. You did a great job.” Though he was trying to distract her from the cold and the thoughts of discovery, Dick truly meant the compliment. Babs had helped create this little haven of green in their city. Each of the half dozen or so plots contained a different colorful and fragrant offering.

Never one to forget the hardships of the No Mans Land quarantine, Babs had insisted they include vegetables among the gardens. There were tomatoes and peppers. Heads of lettuce and kale. Zucchini vines snaked their way through the neat rows.

Not far from where he stood now, a small patch of wild flowers grew nearby, offering a colorful bounty of flowers. A trio of beehives nestled among the daisies, clovers, and a myriad of other flowers he couldn’t name. The bee were quiet in the deepening night, though in the morning the buzz of an active hive would begin anew.

Closing his eyes, he dipped his head and tried to prolong the moment. Breathing deeply, he inhaled rose and lavender. The scent he loved—the one he longed for—was missing. Long gone was the subtle, sweet scent of vanilla. Babs had once admitted she preferred a perfume with a touch of vanilla. It reminded her of the old books she loved. She’d explained the chemistry—as the paper broke down, it carried the scent of vanillin. Her passion for books was one of the many things he loved about her. He could not count the number...

“Dick,” Babs’ voice interrupted his runaway thoughts. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Mmhmm,” Dick managed to choke around the lump in his throat, no longer able to pretend everything was okay. No longer able to stick to the script. Babs continued as though he had never missed his cue. He opened his eyes to see her face, needing to see it one more time.

Who was he kidding? Once more would never be enough. Her green eyes are bright with all the potential of bright tomorrows. She flickered in his arms.

“Dick...”

The access door creaked, breaking the moment before she could share the news.

“Daddy? Are you up here?”

Dick started. The image of Babs flickered again as he stumbled back and scrambled for the projector from its place on the ledge. He flicked it off, leaving him once again alone.  

“Annie, I’m back here.” Dick dabbed at his eyes with his handkerchief, though he couldn’t hide the red. He didn’t mind if his daughter saw the telltale signs of his tears. After all, It’s okay to cry, had become a near mantra around their home since Babs’ death six months ago. Over that span of time he had cried enough to fill the oceans of the world several times over.

No, he didn’t mind if she found him crying. Rather the problem was that once she located him, his time alone would be over. They would need to rejoin the gala. Once more he would be subject to the pitying glances, the uncomfortable silences, and—God forbid—the empty condolences. People were beginning to move from the ‘I understand, take all the time you need’ to the ‘Why aren’t you over this yet?’.  

Their extended family was better, but none of them knew how to help Dick and his children grieve. They couldn’t adopt the family’s usual method for dealing with loss. Cancer left no enemies to beat up. No mystery to solve, no justice to enact. Death’s revolving door stayed firmly shut this time. He was no Orpheus able to charm open the gates of Hades.

Annie found him exactly where he had stood. She clutched a book in her hands, grasping the spine until her knuckles turned white. Allowing her to bring a book was the only way he could get her to come. Behind her glasses, wide, lost eyes searched the gardens. She ran the last few feet to him and threw her arms around his waist in an embrace. With her face pressed into his shirt, it was hard to hear her amid the muffled sniffles. “I was scared when I couldn’t find you. I thought I lost you too.”

“I’m sorry sweetheart.” Dick gathered his daughter in his arms and held her to his chest. It hurt to look at her. She was so much like her mother with her bright red hair and the liberal sprinkling of freckles. Annie had his eyes—the shape and colour—but he always thought they shone with the same bright curiosity which had been Babs’. Before his legs gave way, Dick sank down to the ledge and resisted the urge to break down in sobs. He needed to be strong for her.

When Annie’s sniffling ceased, Dick relaxed his embrace. Annie slipped out of his arms. A Grayson through and through, his ten year old daughter showed no fear as she sat on the ledge beside him. Her leg bounced in an unsteady rhythm. Resting her head against his arm, they sat in silence listening for the hum of the traffic below.

“Where’s Henry?” Breaking the silence, Dick asked after her twin brother, the two were scarcely seen without the other. He slipped his jacket back on, but left off the tie.

Between all his siblings, Steph, Alfred, Bruce, and Jim—Dick and Babs had never worried about their children at events like these. With the training ingrained into each of them from their nights working together to keep Gotham safe, his family watched over his children. It was almost uncanny how the children passed from one set of watchful eyes to another without the explicit need to organize the process. But, like everything since Babs had died, that too seemed broken. She had held their little world together. When they had Oracle’s all seeing gaze watching their backs, the extended family’s self-appointed mission felt a little bit safer, a little more possible. Now, the Clocktower was empty, the Oracle was silenced.

A sob hitched in his chest. He pulled Annie close and held her tight.

Annie shrugged. “There’s too many people here, so he left with Aunt Cass. Grandpa Bruce knows...”

“You didn’t want to go with them?” He tried to keep his voice light. He didn’t care if she attended the party or not, just that she was safe.

“I wanted to find you first.” She worried her bottom lip. Silently she ticked off each member of their extended family on her fingers as she mentally recalled their locations.

Dick’s heart ached. His bold, vivacious children had turned quiet, never straying far from each other or family. Annie needed to know where everyone was at all times and Henry couldn’t stand crowds. If they hadn’t inherited Babs’ brilliance, there had been rumblings of holding them back a year in school. Dick was all they had now. He couldn’t be risking his life on a nightly basis. He couldn’t leave them orphans.

Annie picked up the projector and turned it over in her hands. “Is this Mama’s...?”

“Yes,” Dick plucked the device out of her hands. His fingers hovered over the switch. From diagnosis to her death, it had been nearly a year. It was all too short a time, but Babs had never given up hope. Even in her last pain filled days, Babs had never stopped trying to find ways to take care of them all. Trying to extend her reach beyond her passing.

In the time she had left, she and Dick had created the projector. Adapting her training room technology, they had created a way to record memories and play them back in lifelike vignettes. They had started with her memories, then his. It was all they had time for, before it was too late. He was suppose to continue adding stories—and the twins’, and her father’s, Bruce’s, his siblings’, her teams’, everyone whose lives she had touched. There had been so many. Once the collected stories were gathered and woven together, they would have a comprehensive record of Babs’ life.

“I miss Mama.” Annie ran her fingers along the spine of her book. It was the last book Babs had given their daughter. Though Annie carried it with her everywhere, she had yet to read it.

“Would you like to see what I was watching?” It was time to share this memory.

She nodded.

Dick flipped the switch. The image flickered to life (a sick feeling twisted in his stomach at that turn of phrase) and paused where he had left the scenario. This simulacrum of Dick and Babs were so young. Even his daughter noticed the difference. She ran a hand through her dad’s hair, now liberally streaked with grey. He no longer tried to hide the passage of time. Pressing the button again, the memory played from where he left off.

“Dick,” The memory-Babs repeated his name, making certain she had his attention. Their eyes locked and the love was unmistakable. Eager and hopeful. Even back then, he already knew what she was going to say. How could he not? Babs took one last deep breath, before announcing her news with a radiant smile. “I’m pregnant.”

The smile on Dick’s face was as brilliant as the sun. He swooped Babs up in his arms and spun her. When at last he set down his wife, he kept a steadying arm around her waist. Lightly pressing his free hand to her stomach, he leaned in and kissed her.

In the present, Dick allowed the image to linger for a moment before turning off the projector. Tears ran down Annie’s cheeks at the sight of her mama alive and vibrant.

“That’s the night we learned about you and your brother,” Dick murmured into his daughter’s hair, holding her close.

“I wish...I wish she could come back to us,” Annie whispered. “I miss her so much.”  

“So do I sweetheart. So do I.” Dick closed his eyes and breathed in the night. The subtle scent of vanilla was missing. Their world would never be the same. And it wasn’t meant to be. They would go on, somehow. He couldn’t see the way— yet—but he knew they would find it. Together.

#richard grayson #barbra gordon #dick/babs #fanfiction #inspired by fanart #deadhermiteyes #angst #mourning

[thedesperatehousehusband]

Oscar. 92 years young.

It’s time for the BIG ONE. The one we’ve been waiting for all season. The Academy Awards. The 92nd Oscars. The whole awards “season” culminates with tis slog of a night. Let’s see how this works without a host. It’s the second time they’ve done it and I didn’t hate it last year.

The show kicked off with a performance from Janelle Monae singing about “It’s Time to Come Alive”. I don’t know what the song was about it but I love her and her queer, African American self. Billy Porter made an appearance. He’s been strutting it allllll these shows. He looked batshit at the Grammy’s but tonight he looks normal, for him.

Steve Martin and Chris Rock DID NOT CARE. When people don’t give a shit, I love it. The Director category is missing vaginas. There were no black nominees in 1929. There’s one in 2020. Progress. Good shit. Eddie Murphy’s under the stage. Oooooh. They DO NOT CARE.

Regina King is butter. She looks amazing. Of course and as expected, Brad Pitt wins Best Supporting Actor for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. He’s won 100% of all the awards all season so this is the icing on the cake. Nice speech. I love him. I love this movie.

I love Mindy Kaling’s dress. She looks outstanding. Of course and as expected, Toy Story 4 wins Best Animated Feature. It really was incredible. Buzz & Woody are legends and now we can include Forky in that list of animated legends.

Josh Gad…..Idina Menzel. Pronounced just like it’s spelled. Take that, John Dumb-Ass Travolta. And that was kick ass. I totally loved the international take on Into the Unknown from Frozen 2.

Why, Diane Keaton, why? Isn’t it done with the whole Annie Hall thing? But the banter with Keanu Reeves was really quite funny. HOLY SHIT BALLS!!! Parasite wins Best Original Screenplay. Is this a sign of things to come?? I REALLY thought Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was going to clean up tonight. But maybe not. Is it going to be a Parasite night??????

What is Timothee Chalamet wearing? Is that a tracksuit? At the Oscars? Dude. What are you doing? I know you’re all fashion-y and shit but I’m not into it. Taika Waititi wins for Best Adapted Screenplay for Jojo Rabbit. A movie which I simply loved and adored. It made me laugh and cry.

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig decided to go with the craziest thing they could find at the store. At least they’re funny. Because they look nuts. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood wins for Production Design. And that makes sense to me. It really looked amazing.

Loved the a cappella medley of clothes songs for Maya and Kristen to sing in advance of Best Costumes. Little Women wins. At least it won something because that’s likely going to be it. Normally the winner looks out of his/her mind when they walk on the stage. This woman looked downright sane.

What is this song that Chrissy Metz is singing? I have no idea what it is but she sounds really good.

I would like to thank Mark Ruffalo for just wearing a goddamn tux and looking fucking fantastic in it.

I absolutely hate Laura Dern’s dress but I love me some Laura Dern. She’s cleaned up all season so cap it off with the Oscar, why don’t ya? Of course and as expected. I don’t know why but it makes me teary-eyed EVERY time Laura Dern thanks Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern. I just love it that she thanks her parents and references them as her acting inspiration each time she collects an award.

Ummmmm. What is HAPPENING?? Eminem didn’t show when we WON the damn Oscar for writing this song but he gon show up for a fucking montage??? What is HAPPENING???? I love this. Every fucking thing on the stage right now is unbelievable. THE AUDIENCE IS STANDING UP. THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE INCLUDING MARTIN SCORSESE IS STANDING UP. Eminem, motherfuckers.

Sound Editing goes to Ford vs. Ferrari. I’m unclear on what sound editing is.

Sound Mixing goes to 1917. I’m unclear on what sound mixing is.

Jesus Christ. Randy Newman is starting to look really fucking old. He still sounds like Randy Newman though, so I guess that’s good.

Thank you for Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Will Ferrell for making some jokes. 1917 wins Best Cinematography. I’m going to remind you how little I care about 1917. In my shallow and small mind, it’s just basically Saving Private Ryan in World War I. That’s probably over-simplified but that’s what I get from previews.

Best Editing goes to Ford vs. Ferrari. I can dig it with all the car scenes. Thank GAWD it didn’t go to The Irishman. Because that movie wasn’t edited because it was 400 hours long. It was TOO fucking much.

Zazie Beetz looks AMAZING. Her dress is killer.

Cynthia Erivo is an amazing singer. She’s not going to win Best Actress so her only chance at the EGOT is Best Original Song. I’m not particularly feeling this song but strange things have happened.

Rebel Wilson and James Corden dressed up as cats from Cats. They don’t care. 1917 wins Best Visual Effects. Who cares?

I love that Ray Romana got bleeped. I do love when people get bleeped. Bombshell wins for Hair & Makeup. Which makes sense. John Lithgow isn’t exactly an overly attractive person but making him look like Roger Ailes, who is more or less the earthly embodiment of Jabba the Hutt, is worthy of an award.

Why is it now Best International Feature Film as opposed to Foreign Language Film? Of course and as expected, Parasite wins Best International Feature Film or Foreign Language Film. I guess that Bong Joon-Ho really likes the name change and what it symbolizes.

I know this is terribly un-LGBTQ of me but I just don’t care about Elton John and this song isn’t good.

Ummmmmm. Sigourney Weaver looks INCREDIBLE. If she’s had work done, it’s both discrete and expensive. It’s a testament when you stand next to people like Brie Larson and Gal Gadot and hold your own at nearly 70. Get it done, Sigourney.

Love this Icelandic woman winning Best Score for Joker. Love, love, love, love. There’s more than Bjork in Iceland. Great speech.

Elton John wins for Best Original Song and I don’t care.

OH SNAP. Bong Joon Ho wins Best Director for Parasite. Y’all, it’s looking good for Parasite. Solid, solid speech as delivered by this translator who DID NOT step it up for the Oscars. Still just a smart suit. I was hoping for more, girl.

I want so hard to get Billie Eilish. And I just don’t. But I always enjoy the In Memoriam. Kirk Douglas, 103 years old.

Olivia Colman must have got a deal on all that velvet. Ooooof. But, dammit, she’s hilarious. Of course and as expected, Joaquin Phoenix wins for Joker. He’s not right. His speech was insane. Art imitates life……

Of course and as expected, Renee Zellweger wins Best Actress for Judy. This Texas accent has been present this whole awards season. I don’t get it and I don’t know why. Her speech isn’t meaningful at all. It’s just names. Blah. Well, now, we’re trying to make it meaningful but I’m not sure it’s working.

Let’s stand up for Jane Fonda, shall we? She’s a fucking movie star. She looks REMARKABLE. Don’t get me wrong. She’s 81 years old and has been sliced and diced every which way but loose but still….she looks bananas amazing. Best Picture, y’all. What’s it gonna be???? The anticipation is palpable!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd the Oscar goes to: PARASITE!!!! I mean at this point it’s no surprise. First non-English movie ever to win Best Picture. I’m into it. I love it. The speeches are wonderful. I loved that Tom Hanks and Charlize were all like…Bring the light back up. Let them speak!

Peace out, Oscars. It’s time for bed.

[rottenappleheart]

My current bookshelves, more or less in the actual order they appear! Deets below the cut. ( I really want to know what people believe about me based on what’s on these shelves...)

Top Left:

Richard Adams: Watership Down

Katherine Addison: The Goblin Emperor x2 (1 copy is signed)

Elizabeth Alder: The King’s Shadow

Svetlana Alexievich: The Unwomanly Face Of War

Hans Christian Andersen: Fairy Tales

Laurie Halse Anderson: Speak

K.A. Applegate: Animorphs: The Hork-Bajir Chronicles, Animorphs: The Andalite Chronicles

Kang Chol-hwan: The Aquariums Of Pyongyang

Margaret Atwood: Cat’s Eye

Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men

Brooke Barker: Sad Animal Facts

J.M. Barrie: Peter Pan (illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman)

Peter S. Beagle: Giant Bones, The Last Unicorn x2 (1 copy illustrated by Peter B. Gillis)

Robert Jackson Bennet: City Of Stairs, City Of Blades, City Of Miracles

Allan Bérubé : Coming Out Under Fire: The History Of Gay Men And Women In World War II

Carol Birch: Jamrach’s Menagerie

Isabella Bird: A Lady’s Life In The Rocky Mountains

Pierre Boulle: The Bridge Over The River Kwai

Ray Bradbury: The Martian Chronicles

Paul Brickhill: The Great Escape

Bonus: my grandpa’s mug from the FBI, a picture book of sloth wisdom

Second Left:

Gillian Bradshaw: The Beacon At Alexandria, The Wolf Hunt

Assorted Brontës: The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall, Agnes Grey, Villette, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Shirley, The Professor

Lily Brooks-Dalton: Good Morning, Midnight

Allie Brosch: Hyperbole And A Half

Carol Rifka Brunt: Tell The Wolves I’m Home

Bill Buford: Heat

Lois McMaster Bujold: The Curse Of Chalion, Cordelia’s Honor

Joseph Campbell: The Hero With A Thousand Faces

Novella Carpenter: Farm City

Susanna Clarke: Jonathan Strange And Mr. Norrell

Susann Cokal: Breath And Bones

C.J. Cherryh: Rider At The Gate, Cloud’s Rider, Rusalka, Chernovog

Bonus: two Willow Tree figures and my ABRA-CA-FUCK-YOU cross-stitch 

Third Left:

C.J. Cherryh: Alternate Realities, Foreigner, Invader, Inheritor, Precursor, Defender, Explorer

Henry Chancellor: Colditz: The Definitive Story

Evan Dahm: Rice Boy

Ellen Datlow & Terri Windling: The Year’s Best Fantasy And Horror (#16)

Tiffany DeBartolo: How To Kill A Rock Star

Gavin DeBecker: The Gift Of Fear

Tom DeHaven: Sunburn Lake

Charles DeLint: Dreams Underfoot

Seth Dickinson: The Traitor Baru Cormorant

Carole Nelson Douglas: Exiles Of The Rynth

Arthur Conan Doyle: The Lost World

Brendan Duffy: House Of Echoes

William Faulkner: The Sound And The Fury, Flags In The Dust, Selected Short Stories

Elizabeth Warnock Fernea: Guests Of The Sheik

M.K. Fisher: How To Cook A Wolf

Fannie Flagg: Fried Green Tomatoes At  The Whistle Stop Cafe

Fourth Left:

James Gurney: Dinotopia

Gillian Flynn: Sharp Objects

Anker Frankoni: Mexican Eskimo

Charles Frazier: Cold Mountain

Nancy Garden: Annie On My Mind

Maeve Gilmore: A World Away

William Goldman: The Princess Bride

Nicola Griffith: Ammonite

Marie Haskell: The Princess Curse

Frank Herbert: Dune

Victor Hugo: Les Miserables

Shirley Jackson: We Have Always Lived In The Castle

Mira Jacob: The Sleepwalker’s Guide To Dancing

Paulette Jiles: Enemy Woman

Susan Kay: Phantom

Brian Jacques: Martin The Warrior, Mossflower, The Outcast Of Redwall, Mariel Of Redwall, Pearls Of Lutra, Salamandastron

Stephen King: Duma Key, Rose Madder, Hearts In Atlantis

Bottom Left:

Stephen King: The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, The Gunslinger x2, The Drawing Of  The Three, The Waste Lands, Wizard And Glass, Wolves Of The Calla, Song Of Susannah, The Dark Tower, Lisey’s Story

Andrew Lang: The Green-, Olive-, Yellow-, Orange-, Red-, Pink-, and Grey Fairy Books

Rudyard Kipling: The Jungle Books

Jon Krakauer: Into Thin Air

Ursula K. LeGuin: The Left Hand Of Darkness

Madeline L’Engle: A Wind In The Door, A Swiftly Tilting Planet

Gail Carson Levine: Ella Enchanted

C.S. Lewis: Til We Have Faces, Out Of The Silent Planet

Lois Lowry: The Giver

James W. Loewen: Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong

George MacDonald: The Light Princess & Other Stories, The Princess And The Goblin, At The Back Of The North Wind

Helen MacDonald: H Is For Hawk

Top Right:

Marie Manilla: The Patron Saint Of Ugly

Yann Martel: Life Of Pi

Gavin Maxwell: Ring Of Bright Water

Bernadette McCaughrean: Peter Pan In Scarlet

Patricia McKillip: The Forgotten Beasts Of Eld

Robin McKinley: The Hero And The Crown, The Blue Sword, Spindle’s End, Rose Daughter

Water M. Miller Jr.: A Canticle For Leibowitz

Herman Melville: Moby Dick x2 (1 copy is abridged and illustrated for children)

China Miéville: The Scar

Rand Miller: Myst: The Book Of Ti’Ana, Myst: The Book Of Atrus, Myst: The Book Of D’Ni

Hayao Miyazaki: Nausicaa Of The Valley Of The Wind, The Art Of Nausicaa, The Art Of Castle In The Sky

Elizabeth Moon: Remnant Population

Lady Murasaki: The Tale Of Genji

Audrey Nieffenegger: The Time-Traveler’s Wife

Bonus: “but you are not weak” embroidery, hand-painted page from H Is For Hawk

Second Right:

Sena Jeter Naslund: Ahab’s Wife: Or, The Star-Gazer

Patrick Ness: The Knife Of Never Letting Go, The Ask And The Answer, Monsters Of Men

Garth Nix: Sabriel

Naomi Novik: Temeraire, Throne Of Jade, Black Powder War, Empire Of Ivory

Ann Patchett: Bel Canto

Mervyn Peake: Gormenghast

Julie Ann Peters: Far From Xanadu

Patrick O’Brian: Master And Commander, Post Captain, HMS Surprise, The Mauritius Command, Desolation Island, The Fortune Of War, The Far Side Of The World

Bonus: pottery my dead friend made, pottery I made, slab of picture jasper, my “Fun Things To Believe In” cross-stitch

Third Right:

Edgar Allen Poe: Stories

Phillip Pullman: The Golden Compass

Lawrence Raab: The Collector Of Cold Weather

Erich Marie Remarque: All Quiet On The Western Front

Mary Renault: The Charioteer x2 (1 first edition)

Alistair Reynolds: Revelation Space, Redemption Ark, Diamond Dogs, Turquoise Days

David L. Robbins: War Of The Rats, The End Of War, Last Citadel

Mary Doria Russell: The Sparrow, Doc

Karen Russell: Swamplandia!

Alexander Afanasyev: Russian Fairy Tales

Louis Sachar: Holes

J.D. Salinger: The Catcher In The Rye

Sarah N.B.: It Begins In A Garden

William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Othello, King Lear, Macbeth

Mary Shelley: Frankenstein

Gene Stratton Porter: A Girl Of The Limberlost

Alexander Solzhenitsyn: One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich

Caitlin Starling: The Luminous Dead

Noelle Stevenson: Nimona

Fourth Right:

Bram Stoker: Dracula x2 (1 illustrated by Becky Cloonan)

Elizabeth Kostova: The Historian

J.R.R. Tolkien: The Hobbit, The Fellowship Of The Ring, The Two Towers (x2), The Return Of The King, The Silmarillion, Unfinished Tales

Elizabeth Whalen Turner: The Thief, The Queen Of Attolia

Catherynne M. Valente: Deathless, The  Orphan’s Tales: In the Night Garden, The Orphan’s Tales: In The Cities Of Coin And Spice

Sheldon Vanauken: A Severe Mercy

Brian K. Vaughn: Saga (#1)

Tillie Walden: On A Sunbeam

Jen Wang: The Prince And The Dressmaker

Helene Wecker: The Golem And The Jinni

Elizabeth Wein: Code Name Verity

T.H. White: The Once And Future King

Simon Winchester: The Professor And The Madman

Bottom Right:

Gary Trudeau: The Doonesbury Chronicles

Adam Edgerton: Rediscovering Adak

Walt Whitman: Leaves Of Grass

Jane Yolen: Twelve Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Daniel Woodrell: Winter’s Bone

Patricia C. Wrede: Dealing With Dragons, Calling On Dragons, Searching For Dragons

Malcolm York: Mervyn Peake: My Eyes Mint Gold

Bonus: assorted DVDs and 1 lonely VHS tape, any manga I didn’t purge, plus some children’s books and self-published comics by high school friends

#books books books #the misc bits used to be more evenly distributed across all shelves but story has started to go mountain climbing #so the lower shelves are 'faced' to the edge of the shelf now #it's... not helping that much

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E15 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 321 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 308 Responses

Overall the fandom enjoyed the episode, with the vast majority of votes being at either a 4 or 5.

Best ep of the season thus far, Bert's monologue/transformation was amazing. Some fantastic VA work by Tomohisa and Inoue as well. CG CT also looked far better than I thought he would. These next few episodes are going to kill me. I can't wait.

Fantastic episode. Bertholdt's monologue was the best part.

Great episode, very dramatic, awesome OST. I am not looking forward to the next few eps, except for Floch's villain origin story!

Can’t wait for the next episode, this one was so good!

Editing was a bit choppy, voice lines cut half a second too quick a few times.

First ep of S3P2 to get a 10/10 from me <3

The animation was pretty lacking in this episode. R&B’s running animation on the wall felt pretty lazy, there was that reused shot of the beast Titan’s throw from season 2, Bertholdt’s character design felt inconsistent as well as Zeke’s. They really need to get the old team back on the animation cause the current team clearly doesn’t know how to handle aot. It’s getting on my nerves.

The episode was absolutely awesome.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 308 Responses

The Bertl Bomb™ was the scene that respondents were most excited about. Following behind that was Mikasa’s brief skirmish with Bertolt, and closely behind that was Armin and Bertolt’s shouting match on the rooftops.

BERUTORUTO=GOD

I’m mikasasexual

As a huge Bertholdt fan, it was so great to see Bert as the centre of attention for once. It makes me really sad knowing what comes next.

Bert bomb made my bomb go off

I love Bertholdt's resolve. This scene made him one of my favorite characters.

Bertholdt vs. Mikasa was so fire 🔥

One of the best episodes without a doubt. Bertholdt's monologue before transforming was even more impactful than in the manga.

Explosion aftermath was disappointing. I expected a sea of fire. The one they gave us doesn't feel like something big just happened

That "Levi's 5 seconds of screen time" was good, too!

Why isn't "Mikasa comforting and protecting Armin" an option for favorite moment in this episode? Because those were definitely my favorite moments in the episode

The partner gesture between Reiner and Bertl is the death of me

Am I the only one who get's goosebumps  in the scene before he transformed himself into the colossalus titan and said: 'I feel like, no matter how this all plays out, I can accept whatever happens. That's right, nobody's in the wrong. There's nothing we could do. Because this world....is just...that cruel.' This scene was impressive back in the manga and I'm proud how good Tomohisa Hashizume nailed it. He's an amazing voice actor, especially for Bertholdt.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE APETITAN AND YOUSEEBIGGIRL REARRANGES? 296 Responses

Overall the fandom was excited about the new versions of familiar songs with 71% of respondents feeling that they were “totally epic!” 18% agree that the rearranges were good, but that they can’t surpass the original versions.

The soundtrack was lit.

Music was awesome!

Ngl I've watched the episode many times bc the OST during some scenes is just SO GOOD!!

WHO WON THE SHOUTING MATCH? 308 Responses

Over ¾ of the fandom agree that Bertolt dominated the shouting match on the rooftop.

I feel Armin won the "debate" because Bertolt, in his zeal to convince himself that he wanted to kill people he used to see as friends, wasn't making any sense

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT BERTOLT’S DEVELOPMENT AT THIS POINT? 308 Responses

46% of respondents were happy to see how far Bertolt had come as a character at this point in the story, while 34% were just happy to get more dialogue and thoughts from him. A small percentage had been curious where his character would go from here.

Godtolt on the way

He ditched the alter ego built up out of guilt, and it's cool to see him truly one of the strongest characters fighting off Mikasa while in human form

I wish we had more Bertl development! He could’ve been really complex, but just isn’t due to a lack of screentime. Compared to someone like Reiner or Annie, this was his one moment of pure raw character development

He reveals his true warrior colors

I loved it, one of my favourite chapters because of his resolve and how he himself was surprised about it.

He's only moving forward as a character and does what needs to be done. Bertholdt, your doing amazing sweetie!

With all this development just to kill him off was heart breaking.

Honestly, I’m so proud of him. He was amazing and it’s so nice to see a confident Bert. I don’t think it’s a development worth praising in terms of moral standards but it suited and made sense for his character

I feel like this is where his character peaked. It was pretty flat before season 2

I just don’t like bertolt in generalI really like his development but it's a shame that he severely lacked screen time before this episode

I'm not really a fan of Bertolt so I'm neutral on this

I still hate his traitorous guts and can't wait for THAT scene to be animated

Fucking loved it. It's one of my favorite chapters (and now episodes) just because he's talking so much and he's badass af. My boy is finally shining!

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT ARMIN BLUFFING ABOUT ANNIE A SECOND TIME? 306 Responses

Just over half of respondents feel that Armin should have tried a different tactic with Bertolt, while 46% felt that it was worth another shot to try and manipulate Bertolt’s feelings for Annie again.

Has Armin ever convinced anyone of anything they didn't already believe?

He was so used to Bertholdt’s behavior and there was nothing that would’ve made Armin think Bertholdt would have the reaction that he did

Lame. He didn't use much of intelligence here.

It's low, I'm happy it didn't work again

He learned some pretty vital things - how far the Warriors are willing to go, what their priorities are, what Bert's state of mind is, and where his loyalties truly lie. I don't imagine Armin went down that track solely because he thought it would have the exact same effect, but rather to 'check something' - exactly the same as Bertolt.

I think it not only was a good attempt to take (it worked before, why not try it again), but I also think it is incredibly important to show Armin's flaws. Yes, he's an amazing strategist. He's also still sixteen and not always entirely confident. Having Armin make mistakes like relying on old ploys that worked keeps his character more grounded and realistic

Smart people tend to use the same tactics over and over again as long as they're successful and for good reason. After all, why wouldn't you use the same tactic if you know it brings success? If it ain't broke, don't fix it. It's only when said strategy or tactic doesn't work where the individual would entertain the prospect of changing it or never using it again.

That’s Very Unfortunate!

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT CGI COLOSSAL TITAN? 306 Responses

36% of respondents aren’t very impressed with the CGI colossal titan, while 29% actually found the effect to be pretty awesome! 13% feel it’s disturbing and a small 7% just find it cringeworthy.

Alright

CGI doesn't bother me. What bothers me is how animators overly rely on it. Several decades ago animators made great masterpieces without cgi, all by hand. I understand using it because it makes things easier, but exceeding quality should still be top priority. If you can't make it better with CGI, then go old school and do it right.

Decent but could be better

U can still notice it is CGI but I think their CGI has gotten better compared to some of their earlier uses of it

Doesn't fit with the art style, which is as bad as unfair splitting potatoes

Not too bad but could definitely have been better. Understandable since there has only been one full body shot of it before and that was a sharp backwards, down looking angle.

Don’t really care much for cgi complaints, animating that would be a lot of work, their efforts are better elsewhere

It was necessary and didn't look appallingly bad.

I don't get why people hate it so much? I think it's fine

I hated it in season 2 and I hate it more now

Bad

Don't like CGI anything in any anime so take from that what you will

Most angles he looks fine! The only part that he looked off was when we got the face shot of him panning out to the rest of his body

Thought it looked solid. There were some really great shots of him this ep imo. Hopefully the action bits will look as good, and they mix in some 2D shots as well.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE 104TH RIDING ON TITAN EREN? 306 Responses

Over half of the fandom agree that this detail is something that’s very adorable, while 22% feel it’s just pretty neat. A combined 21% of respondents either feel it’s not that big of a deal or simply don’t care about it.

>AMJCS who cares?

Good boy protecting his friends? Hell Yeah!

I want to ride pieck - Not an innuendo, i just want a go in one of her turrets

It's gay

Lads you would never get me off that thing, I'd be saddling him up to go grocery shopping

Save me a seat guys!!

HOW WELL DID THE EPISODE ADAPT THE CORRESPONDING CHAPTERS? 306 Responses

Manga readers are overall happy with the adaptation of chapters 77 and 78, with over 90% saying that it was close to being perfectly done.

DID MARCO’S DEATH AFFECT YOU AS MUCH AS IT DID IN THE MANGA? 305 Responses

41% of respondents felt more heartbroken to see Marco’s death play out in the anime, while 31% say they felt more sympathetic toward Marco. 14% weren’t affected when this scene played out in either story-telling medium.

About the same level, still utterly heartbreaking, though

DEATH TO THE TITAN TRIO!

Didn't feel as much. Not because it was a bad adaptation, but just because I've already read it and knew what went down.

I felt more sorry for RBA than Marco in this version

I still had lot of emotions with the adaptation, but there's no compare to experiencing it for the first time

I was absolutely sobbing when I read it in the manga. Anime-wise I was more prepared to handle the scene

Watching Marco die again reminds me of why, even in current manga, I still completely and utterly LOATHE/DESPISE/HATE RBA. No, I don't care about their "tragic backstory", they don't deserve empathy of any kind.

It had the same impact when I first watched the trailer for the Lost Girls OVA, which spoiled me his death

It was tough to watch, but it was necessary to deepen Reiner, Bertolt, Annie (and Marco)'s characters. It was very well done, dramatically

Oh fuck it was WAY WORSE animated. Actually hearing his cries and screams is something that can never be duplicated in written form

I did not anticipate being as affected as I was by the Marco flashback. That doesn’t give me hope for how I’m going to handle the rest of the RtS arc. The emotions of the characters are being portrayed very well this season.

NOW THAT WE’VE HAD A CHANCE TO LISTEN TO ZEKE HAVE MORE DIALOGUE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIS VOICE? 305 Responses

The majority of the fandom believe that Zeke’s seiyuu is a good fit for his character, although over half of the fandom had expected his voice to sound a bit different. 10% feel it wasn’t the best choice, while a small sliver of respondents don’t care for the voice at all.

I can't unhear DIO. Thanks Zeke, thanks Koyasu.

Zeke's VA also voices a lovely, kind character in Violet Evergarden, so his lines are making me really, really uncomfortable

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT PIECK’S TITAN VOICE? 307 Responses

30% of respondents are excited about Pieck’s titan voice, while 28% feel it’s not what they expected to hear. 18% find the voice “acceptable” while 17% want to wait and hear more before making a final verdict.

Pieck's voice was unexpected in that it was terrifying, much like Ymir's Titan voice

Holy shit. I'm gonna hear it in my nightmares

I rabu Piku.

REGARDING CURRENT MANGA EVENTS, DO YOU THINK REINER STILL WANTS TO STAY TRUE TO HIS PROMISE TO YMIR? 308 Responses

Nearly half of the fandom believe that Reiner would still like to honor his promise to Ymir, but feel that he will never actually get to pull through. 15% believe that he’s still determined to save Historia no matter what, and 18% believe that he’s actually stopped caring about his promise (or perhaps just Historia in general) altogether.

Good question. I really want to have a scene with him facing Historia, his reaction to her pregnancy should be interesting

He doesn't want to save HISTORIA because he doesn't know her. The one he wanted to save was KRISTA. But she is already "dead"

I think Reiner has done what he needed to

I'm not sure, I think his main concerns are the kids and stopping Eren

It has to be real low on his priority list right about now given the circumstances

Of course not, Reiner only cares about his own manpain

He still calls her Krista and she probably has already chosen a side most likely Yeagerist

ARMIN HAD WISHED FOR A CHANCE TO NEGOTIATE AT THIS POINT, SIMILAR TO CURRENT MANGA EVENTS. IS THIS PROOF THAT HE HASN’T BEEN CHANGED BY BERTOLT’S MEMORIES? 308 Responses

44% don’t want to say either way whether Armin’s pre-titan behavior is indicative of the influence that Bertolt may or may not have over the Armin we know in the current manga. 39% believe that this is proof Eren’s words to Armin were total B.S., and 12% think this isn’t really proof of anything.

Armin Has always been the diplomat, while Eren is a man of force. Mikasa is in between. It has always been that way.

Past and future are influenced the same when paths are concerned so there's no way to tell.

I don’t think it’s enough to prove or disprove but this is an interesting idea

I don't get this 'changed' shit. Of course having access to someone else's memories has its own influence on a person, but that's true of anyone on the planet who's read a memoir as well. Everything has its effect. The titan shifter thing is obviously a bit more invasive than that, but it doesn't mean he's now suddenly possessed by Beartoto's fucking undead spirit.

I'd like to think it is but with everything Isayama's been throwing at us from out of left field who knows

he's always wished for negotiation, but he seems to have changed in his methods for negotiation. armin used to be more abrupt and upfront, whereas now he seems more tentative

No, he wasn't chanced that much. He understands RBA better and has more sympathy for Annie (maybe even has a crush on her) but it has nothing to do with being a slave.

SIMILARLY, MIKASA POINTS OUT HOW BERTOLT FEELS LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. ARE THE MEMORIES OF HIS PREDECESSOR AFFECTING HIM IN THIS ARC? 306 Responses

Over half of the fandom feel that Bertolt’s current behavior at this point in the series is of his own will, and not influenced by any prior holders of the Colossal Titan. 38% think it’s possible he’s being influenced by memories of his predecessor(s) at this time, while a small percentage feel that he is definitely being influenced by someone else’s memories.

He was badass but I think he was affected by memories of the previous CT owner.

I think that Mikasa thinks he’s acting like a different person because he is. I think this is what Bertholdt is really like but with the 104th he was playing a role so he didn’t get too attached to them.

Still wondering if the "he seemed like a different person" comment was a note about development or supposed to foreshadow something about the Titans influencing their hosts.

I think it’s original Ymir controlling him through the paths

Probably. It seems like a bit of a drastic change to go from quiet, self-deprecating and remorseful to cold, outspoken, and trying to morally justify his actions. It's just too drastic a change.

Confidence boost is completely irrelevant to paths.

We don’t even know Bert’s previous predecessors!

Nope, that's have something to do with "character development", people change sometimes after time and grown more indepented and strong of their own shadow.

I always thought of it more as Bertie finally coming down on a side and the pair picking up on that. He was always so meek and indecisive, but now he's been forced to make a choice and to do it he has to shed his old skin and become more ruthless.

Not at all he ditched his guilt that made up the act they knew him for.

WHAT SCENE ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO IN THE PREVIEW? 307 Responses

The overwhelming majority of respondents are looking forward to the Survey Corps’ suicide charge against the Beast Titan and his flying boulders. Nearly 30% are looking forward to the moment that Levi gives Erwin his promise to kill the Beast Titan. A small percentage are most looking forward to Armin and Jean decide who’s going to lead the 104th to victory.

I am not ready for the next two episodes

I’m gonna get my ASS FUCKED SO HARD I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. THERES GONNA BE SHIT EVERYWHERE. ERWINS GONNA FUCKING DIE. LEVIS GONNA BE SAD.

fuck next week's shit is good, hype

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

The "predecessor's memory affecting current shifter" is, as far as I'm aware, just a theory that I don't buy into. I've only seen a person "changed" because of the Founding Titan's vow. Otherwise, the shifter's personality remains the same. Armin has always been an advocate for talking and negotiation. We see this in the Trost arc when the Garrison nearly kill Eren with that cannonball. So no, I don't think anyone's memories are "affecting" anyone, including current Eren.

Loved pretty much everything in this episode except for the CGI CT. Didn't expect to see uncensored Reiner, which was weird because Mikasa cutting off Bert's ear was more censored. And I'm a bit disappointed we didn't see more shots of Bert with his V fringe off his forehead. He looked so cool in the manga!

This episode gave me anxiety 'cause I know what we'll going to deal in the next three ones. The soundtrack gave intensity in every scene that its put on it, plus the fantastic job of the VA, perfect work. And just thinking about how the next episodes will be.... *goosebumps*

Wit studio handled the cgi very well imo. It's very difficult to animate this action heavy arca with rubble, smoke, odm scenes etc. and I think they are adapting the manga very well with the right pacing per episode which is also a challenge to fit within 20 minutes.

Bertolt is best boi and this episode was the best of all 3. He deserved to survive and mature up. Hashizume nailed him JUST RIGHT and his interactions with Reiner this episode were on point. The scene where he outsmarted Armin and countered Mikasa was worthy of applause.

i wish it wasn’t too rushed some moments aren’t as emotional as they should be

mikasa looked so good this episode and i'm so happy with how wit isn't screwing her over

After seeing this episode and Marco's death, it makes me sad that Reiner lost his pal Bertolt. They should be suffer bois together. Even still, some of the animation this episode was reallyy not great, so I rated the episode a 4.

Bertolt has proved on this episode that he's one of the best character of the series

I miss berthold so much and seeing him at his best was awesome but it’s really hard knowing what’s going to happen next

This is shaping up to be the best season of Attack On Titan. Cheers for more!

zeke’s beard is the tenth titan shifter

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 295 Responses

Thank you to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days! 

#snk spoilers #snk s3 #snk poll #snk polls #poll results

[inktank-thinktank]

Splatocalypse Now

My friends, the final Splatfest is upon us. And you know what that means. Plot implications for Splatoon 3.

We have been looking over the material released for Splatocalypse, and have prepared some analysis and interpretation, to not only help you make what you deem is the correct choice for the Splatfest, but also to prepare you for what is to come.

I’m warning you now, if you click into the Read More, there will be major spoilers for nearly every aspect of the Final Fest: Splatocalypse event, INCLUDING datamined material. Enter at your own risk.

First, we should note the theming. 'Splatocalypse'. This theme of a Splatoon apocalypse pops up in many places in the material we are to observe, and seems an almost overbearing theme. Nintendo is being direct this time - what happens is going to deeply impact the world of Splatoon.

Indeed, the music that plays during the trailer, according to the Live in Makuhari album coming out three days after the Splatfest ends, is called 'Haikara (Inkopolis) Memorial Mixtape', by DJ Octavio.

EDIT: OatmealDome has informed me that Haikara Memorial Mixtape is likely a NEW song that we have not heard yet! The song in the trailer is most likely ‘SPLATOCALYPSE （ファイナルフェス 告知映像BGM）’ (SPLATOCALYPSE - Final Splatfest Announcement Video BGM), the immediately previous track on the album.

After a brief summary of Splatfests to-date, we open to Pearl and Marina. When Pearl is on-screen, we get a sound effect of rushing flames, while Marina is accompanied by sounds reminiscent of computers and technology. This is notable, especially when viewed in combination with other material, giving us an... 'inkling', of what is to come. The first thing that I think needs considering in combination with this is the Splatfest gear.

What we see is quite telling.

In English, the gear names are ‘Jetflame Crest’ (the motorbike helmet), ‘Fierce Fishskull’ (the fish skull, obviously), ‘Eye of Justice’ (the helmet with the screen on it), and ‘Hivemind Antenna’ (the shades).

As per this Reddit post, which we will be referencing a lot going forward, the names are ‘Burning Broiler’, ‘Giga Fishbone’, ‘Justice Brain’, and ‘Cosmic Antenna’.

Team Chaos’ gear puts off an air of being very ‘Mad Max’-inspired, very befitting of both ‘chaos’ and the apocalyptic themes. It is also worth noting that the helmet containing the word ‘broiler’ in the name is a connection to the Salmonids, who we know from the Splatoon 2 Ikasu Art Book use cooking implements as weaponry because they see life and death and consumption of other living things as all part of a cycle.

Similarly, we know that sunglasses of the shape the Hivemind Antenna / Cosmic Antenna take have historically been linked to Octarian mind control technology, such as the hypnoshades worn by Callie and the Octolings you fight in Hero Mode 2.

It is not difficult then to surmise that Team Chaos ties in to the concept of a Mad Max style apocalyptic wasteland, somehow related to the Salmonids, while Team Order ties in to the concept of a false utopian society controlled by mechanisms of technological oppression.

Now, moving back to the trailer...

Over the course of the trailer, we are shown who is on each side, out of the major characters. I will summarize our beliefs as to why each character is on each side, as this will influence later covered topics.

TEAM CHAOS

Starting with Team Chaos, we have the Salmonids. This is quite obvious. The Salmonids have always been agents of chaos, chiefly known for overrunning early Inkling settlements and even going as far as consuming the Inklings within.

There is also Iso Padre, which may come as a surprise to some. However, as a former test subject of TARTAR’s, it is clear he would want as little to do with ‘order’ as possible when presented the option. He seems okay with Kamabo Co. in Octo Expansion, but in a way that seems...detached, wistful, almost like he’s given up on a life free of oppression.

Spyke is another obvious one, being a gangster and someone who, y’know, steals stuff and runs an actual pyramid scheme.

Agent 4 is also fairly obvious; official art depicting Agent 4 has always shown her to be a trickster of sorts, and less serious than her predecessor, Agent 3.

Callie is also an obvious one, being the spontaneous, excitable, freedom-and-fun-loving one out of the Squid Sisters.

Flow, being a ‘hippie’ of sorts, likely is on chaos in terms of ‘personal freedom’. And, y’know. Being able to be high all the time most likely.

For Annie, the first game implies that out of her and Moe, Moe is the one really ‘in charge’ of things, and, well... Moe is hard chaos. Play Splatoon Wii U, guys.

Li’l Judd is Team Chaos because as we know, he has an inferiority complex and resentment for Judd, being his clone, and generally is more of a tricksterish character. Also, being a kitten, Li’l Judd would likely be more playful, again ‘chaos’ as in ‘freedom’.

Pearl lays out her motivation for being Team Chaos rather starkly in the Splatfest announcement (which we will get to later).

And, I saved this one for last, because it’s somewhat surprising... Despite the Octarians being Team Order, Octavio is Team Chaos. This could be due to a thinking that he must win at any cost, and a willingness to use manipulation tactics to move his people towards supporting his war on Inkopolis. It could also be due to a mental slippage from so many repeated losses.

“But wait!” I hear you say. “If Octavio is Team Chaos, why are the shades, ostensibly tied to hypnosis, a Team Order gear piece?”

I would argue there that the hypnoshades, while used by Octavio, fit more into the Octarians’ wheelhouse of order through technology and regimentation.

TEAM NEUTRAL

Judd being Team Neutral is obvious. He judges the Splatfests, and unlike Li’l Judd, is generally more ‘neutral’ in tone.

Sheldon is probably Team Neutral because, well, he sells you weapons no matter what side you’re on in Splatfest, so...

And Mr. Grizz is Team Neutral because he’s out for his own interests, which exist apart from all other teams (note he’s apart from the rest of Team Neutral, and upside-down).

TEAM ORDER

Cap’n Cuttlefish is Team Order for having been part of the military, as well as actively fighting for the safety and security of Inklings.

Marie is Team Order being the more relaxed yet traditional one of the Squid Sisters.

Agent 8 is Team Order being an Octarian, and thus a part of their regimented society.

This brings us to the Octarians in general, who are Team Order being a regimented technocracy where large focus is put on people serving a specific function (see Marina’s Chat Room), as well as again the technological oppression aspects. They may also be simply following Marina, as we know that Agent 8 idolizes her, and that the Octolings who escaped to Inkopolis did so because they were inspired by her.

C.Q. Cumber is Team Order because, as Nintendo has stated, he really wasn’t concerned with what TARTAR was up to, he was just doing his job. Order at its finest.

TARTAR is Team Order for obvious reasons. It desires ‘order’ in the sense of purging the capricious, impulsive Inklings and petty, warlike Octarians, instead replacing them with a new ‘superior’ race of beings, created from its successful test subjects.

Agent 3 is Order because, well, she made the idea of ‘being the hero’ a central part of her identity, see adopting the ‘3′ cape into her outfit (something she had no reason to do).

Jelfonzo being Team Order makes sense, given that Nogami has stated that the Jellyfishes are all actually a large hivemind organism, who may have a significant hand in sponsoring Turf War, suggesting since Turf War is according to the Splatoon Ikasu Art Book largely subsidized by the government, the Jellyfish hivemind has a significant hand in Inkopolis’ government as well.

As with Pearl, we will discuss Marina’s choice more in-depth later, as it is looked at rather deeply in the Splatfest dialogue.

The only ones who we cannot seem to figure out are Murch, Bisk, and Crusty Sean, however we know that Sean has some...strangeness to him, only accepting tickets and getting defensive when you point this out, and the ‘Crustwear XXL’ shirt, a shirt advertising his food truck, being Grizzco gear. Perhaps he supports Team Order because of an involvement with corporate bureaucracy?

Similarly, my best guess with Murch is that, since he only engaged in the gear scrubbing and ordering scheme because he idolized Spyke, he realized at some point that Spyke was a criminal, and wanted to distance himself.

Now on to the leading ladies themselves. Pearl’s reasons for being Team Chaos run VERY deep, and a larger overall analysis is necessary.

Pearl’s motivation for Team Chaos seems to be primarily rooted in wanting a world that is ever-changing and not static, finding a world that stays the same boring and uneappealing. She also seems to act somewhat as an agent of chaos, declaring in the Splatfest dialogue both in English and Japanese that whichever side wins the Splatfest will be the form the world takes going forward.

In the English dialogue, she invokes ‘Splatfest law’, which is something created wholesale by Nintendo of America, however the implication either way is that whoever wins will remake the world in their own team’s image.

Additionally, in the Japanese dialogue, Pearl states “all I know is I don't want a world that's always like this!“, spoken in the same sort of way as when someone says things like ‘I wish things would be like this forever’.

Marina’s reasons for being Team Order as well are somewhat complex. She is primarily worried about stability and control over her life and her situation.

In fact, Pearl’s statements about Team Chaos, in the Japanese dialogue, are replied to in ways that show that she’s worried that Pearl would eventually even grow bored with Off the Hook, and flippantly want that to be over and ‘change’ as well.

It’s worth noting that Marina’s theming shows an erring towards technology, and technological order as we’ve seen before usually is something dangerous in the Splatoon universe. This may hint at what direction ‘her world’ would go in if she wins the final Splatfest.

Marina does, however, express trepidation in the Japanese dialogue about reshaping the world in the winner’s image, only doing so because Pearl is pushing things in that direction.

Moving forward, we will be addressing the assets and imagery the game has been preparing for the Splatocalypse event, and how that ties into the theming of a Splatoon apocalypse.

First, and the elephant in the room... ‘Dear Senpai’, or as it’s being called by Nintendo of America, ‘MC.Princess Diaries’, the new Shifty Station stage.

The stage is quite obviously based on another brush Inkopolis has had with the apocalypse, that being the NILS Statue fight from the Octo Expansion, where Pearl and Marina, with the help of Agent 8, narrowly stopped TARTAR from destroying Inkopolis. The fight, and indeed all Turf Wars in the Final Fest event, come complete with the discordant Turf War intro sound from Octo Expansion, and Dear Senpai comes with Hyperbombs and the ‘Princess Cannon’ (the Killer Wail from the first game). Information from OatmealDome states that three sets of Hyperbombs each appear throughout the match, each time consisting of two per team, while the Princess Cannon is spawned once per match for one player to use in the form of Pearl coming down from the helicopter outside the stage.

We know that Team Chaos is strongly coded to involve Salmonids, and we know Team Order is strongly coded to involve technological oppression, but again per OatmealDome we have our first look at how this would play out.

The stage chronologically takes place after the NILS Statue fight, with the wreckage of the NILS Statue seen in the background, being tended to and examined by Jellyfish, who again are part of the Inkopolis government. And, if you recall during the final fight, the NILS Statue is utterly swimming in TARTAR’s corruptive ooze, as well as the remains of TARTAR itself. Could we perhaps see the return of TARTAR via the Jellyfish hivemind? This would explain also how it would be Team Order despite being ostensibly dead.

You may wonder why I haven’t discussed the actual terrain of Dear Senpai, or the post-Splatfest dialogue. In fact, Nintendo pushed invalid dummy data in its place to prevent data mining. In the case of Dear Senpai, they pushed the Shifty Station from Frostyfest, and in the case of the post-Splatfest dialogue, barebones dialogue with nothing beyond a winning team announcement.

As most should already know, the Final Splatfest will have all 23 previous Shifty Stations on a rotation, two every two hours like the other maps, before running Dear Senpai for the final 24 hours. Interestingly, while we know that Dear Senpai is to take up the full final 24 hours , the two hours immediately preceding it also have only a single Shifty Station stage: Tentacle Warning / Sweet Valley Tentacles, the Shifty Station from the Squid vs. Octopus Splatfest. As a brief aside, all of the Shifty Station names in Japanese are puns on manga titles, and all the ones in English are puns on novels.

This is what the Inkopolis Square skybox will look like during the Final Fest. A video showing the Square with this skybox and Splatfest mode on can be found here. We don’t know what the Square‘s event decorations will be, if any, but this immediately brings something to mind: Blade Runner 2049.

Screenshot from the relevant point in the movie for reference.

Furthermore, at this screen when you press ZL+ZR, this sound plays. Sound familiar? It sounds to me like the clock tower bell in Majora’s Mask. In fact, both are the same note, a C4.

Additionally, we know that the music for the Final Fest is a combination of Off the Hook and Squid Sisters music. Per OatmealDome:

New battle music for Final Fest!

Ink Me Up by Squid Sisters (Splatoon 1)

Shark Bytes

Calamari Inkantation

Fly Octo Fly

New 1 minute left music!

Now or Never! by Off the Hook, feat Squid Sisters

Now or Never! by Squid Sisters

This suggests that the Squid Sisters are to play a major role; however they do not appear in any of the Final Fest assets, meaning this likely is hinting at them playing some role in the Final Fest’s impact on Splatoon 3. This is corroborated by their appearance in the Splatocalypse trailer, wearing Pearl and Marina’s signature crown and headphones, respectively.

In closing, I think it can be easily surmised just what is going on. Team Chaos has strong ties to Salmonids and a theme of Inkopolis being overrun or falling to ruin. Team Order has strong ties to TARTAR and themes of technological oppression and control. The Splatfest announcement dialogue implicates Pearl or Marina respectively as bringing on a possibly related, possibly simply additional, chaotic or orderly world for each bad outcome to exist in. And the strong focus on the Squid Sisters implicates that, yet again, Callie and Marie will be pitted against each other.

It is truly a matter of ‘pick your villain’. Except unlike Splatoon 1, where the loser was the one who was turned against us, and instead of being against her will... This time the winner, or at least the winning side, is the one who will turn wicked.

Who and what form will this take? Only time will tell.

#Splatoon #Splatoon 2 #splatocalypse #splatfest #final fest #theory #video games #author math #author shinygirafarig #author slimeade