So, husband had surgery on his hand today (related to the stroke he had on January Friday the 13th…can we all agree that while tragic and devastating and painful, this is also peak comedy and it’s really hard to keep a straight face with Serious Medical Professionals who are trying to give Important Medical Care Information)
Notable hilarity:
The nurses and doctors all have badges to get them through certain corridors. Once you are inside the hospital, they badge you through to certain areas. As part of their job, as part of the medical process, etc. They are focused on the patient, so if you just happen to be memorizing all the turns, they aren’t going to notice.
They also don’t get paid enough to stop you when you barge in randomly.
My husband’s surgery took two hours but they held him until the anesthesia wore off so my reasons for barging in were “he just got out of surgery and he needs his phone” (the phone did not get left with him, he was way too groggy for that) “I went home and brought the dog back with me, this is Zelda” (huge success, one nurse said it was a “great Halloween surprise”)
Got asked by a random woman how I made it past the doors, as she was in the same predicament (husband in the recovery ward) and I was like “just flag down someone who doesn’t get paid enough to care” and since I was currently holding the door open for her to “illegally” access her husband, she just did that whole face scrunch shrug thing of “I don’t want to or dislike breaking rules/medical advice, but I’m on a Husband Caregiver Mission, sooo…through the door it is.”
My husbands very drugged and groggy reaction to Zelda being there. Lots of “Oh, this is my baby. Have you met my baby? Hi baby!” He introduced the same nurse to the same dog 2.5 times. I stopped the third one halfway through because she was unhooking him from the machines and it was time for him to put his Real People Clothes back on.
Have you ever dressed your spouse while they are very very drugged and you are sober? Drunk counts.
Like, he knew it was me doing the dressing, but the conversation you have to have leading up to putting on a shirt…my siblings are so drastically younger than me that I Know How To Dress Another Person Efficiently…but having to explain to a drugged spouse that shirts go on first, sitting down, then ALSO SITTING DOWN underwear and pants get put on one leg at a time, and we pull them up together.
I think “don’t forget the fly, pull the fly up, I don’t wanna flash the nurses” has got to be my second favorite drugged up spouse line. He had full underwear, there was no risk of flashing.
My absolute favorite drugged up spouse line is when I barged into the recovery unit the first time (so no dog) and the nurse was like, “he’s still pretty out of it, it’s probably going to be another hour,”
And I’m not the best wife, okay, so in front of my drugged up husband who absolutely HATES having his blackheads or pimples popped, I say out loud “so, basically he can’t run away or fight me at all right now if I go after the blackheads on his face?”
And my husband swings his good arm at me vaguely and with zero force and says “NNgh! Fight. Nnnnnno.” And then sort of collapses and gives the nurse his giant puppy eyes and says “Don’ ledder. Plesss.”
And me and the nurse both look each other in the face and recognize that I’m really just testing how out of it he is and agreeing with her.
Also I started a frozen lasagna when I went back to get the dog…my recommendation going forward is that you should add at least a half hour onto your time if you want fresh food waiting for whatever patient you’re helping. Also it’s hard to juggle sides, so having lasagna and Texas toast with cheese shreds is…not ideal.
sometimes I think about that guy on amazon who reviewed pride and prejudice and did an entire angry, weirdly math focused rant about how awful darcy is and then ends it all with "I could carve a better man out of a banana"
nah because crofty is genuinely insane because why would you say that about your coworker???? and to his face??? "this man knows lewis hamilton. friends, teammates, childhood buddies, rivals, everything but a lover." hello???? why are you saying that to nico rosberg's face???? why are you, as the lead f1 commentator, writing fanfiction about your coworker???? about him and his ex???? and also, what an insane thing to say about someone else's relationship!!! "everything but a lover"... just show them having gay sex onscreen, it would be less intimate than whatever the hell you just said.
Pac: Take care of Ramon, take care of Richas, ok? See you on the other side, big boy.
Fit: [Laughs] Take it easy, big boy. Take it easy, big boy. Actually, nononono– You can't just say "big boy" and then just expect me to not drag you outta here. [Fit tries to lasso Pac] You're coming with me.
Pac: No, I need to leave!
Fit: You're coming with me. You are not dying today! You are not dying today!
Pac: I need to leave, Fit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Ironmouse: Are you guys like, having sexy time?
Fit: There's homosexual activity going on Mouse, don't worry about us, ok?
Ironmouse: You guys, we don't have time to be gay right now.
[ Full Transcript ↓ ]
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Pac: I'm just here to say goodbye to you, Fit.
Fit: Goodbye? We're not– we're gonna be fine, we're going to get out of here, don't worry.
Aypierre: Yeah, don't worry!
Pac: I know, but like– I will sleep until the end, you know? I will pass through this moment sleeping, man. I won't be able to be awake for the moment.
Fit: [Laughs] You know, it's– I mean, if that's how you wanna go, but– I mean, that- I mean, isn't that bed kind of like.... I don't know, it's–
Pac: No no, I will be staying on the sofa, you know, I will be staying on the sofa.
Fit: Oh the sofa. Ok, that's a nice sofa! Yeah, that is a pretty nice sofa.
Pac: Yeah, it's a nice sofa right? No, yeah– I'm going to stay on the sofa, you know? So, since I will be going Fit... [Pac starts tossing Fit all his items]
Aypierre: [Not paying attention to their conversation] Is that bigger cell? I don't think it's a bigger- biggest one.
Fit: Oh... Thank you Pac, thank you.
Pac: Everything you need to survive, ok?
Fit: Wow.
Aypierre: Wow.
Pac: And if you need this one also, maybe, who knows? [Throws him more items]
Fit: Ohhh, well hey– just take this to remember me by, ok? [Tosses him a photo of himself – the same one Aypierre was carrying all day yesterday]
Pac: [Laughs] Ok, I will sleep holding the picture you know, like this. You know, I will dream about you, Fit. And I hope this is gonna be good dreams. I see you in the other side. Good luck, my friend.
Fit: The other side... Yeah, you know, yeah, we– we– you know? It's been an honor, Pac. It's been an honor, you know?
Pac: Yeah, for me too, you know? Take care of Ramon, take care of Richas, ok?
Fit: Ok.
Pac: See you on the other side, big boy.
Fit: I will sing your praise– Oh yeah, hey– [Laughs] Take it easy, big boy. Take it easy, big boy. Actually, nononono– You can't just say "big boy" and then just expect me to not drag you outta here. You're coming with me.
Pac: No, I need to leave!
Fit: You're coming with me. You are not dying today! You are not dying today!
Pac: I need to leave, Fit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Fit: Sorry, there's–
Pac: I'm sorry!
Ironmouse: Are you guys like, having sexy time?
Fit: There's homosexual activity going on Mouse, don't worry about us, ok?
Ironmouse: You guys, you guys– we don't have time to be gay right now, come on. There's no time.
Pac: No, there's no time! Oh, goodbye Fit...
Fit: Ok, c'mon, no no no, come on, we got this we got this!
One of my 24 cousins: *buys me a nurf gun (for Christmas but very late delivery) with no ammo*
Me: *goes to the Most Evil Of Places and acquires ammo (Walmart is evil on so many levels, I don’t have time to explain, just trust me, it’s EVIL)*
My husband, immediately: *shoots me, unexpectedly, for over an hour* *like he FINDS spots in the house, hides in dark corners, lures me into thinking he’s in a specific spot with lights and his headphones and then BAM! Right in the forehead with a nurf bullet*
Me: *takes the two big nurf guns into work, leaving the one tiny little one shot nurf gun and exactly three (3) nurf bullets for my husband to ambush me with when I get home*
My husband, who does not disappoint: *calls me as soon as he wakes up to confirm if I hid them or took them, then STILL AMBUSHES ME AND NAILS ME IN THE FOREHEAD WITH ALL OF THE AMMO AT HIS DISPOSAL*
Me: *still going to take all the ammo and big guns to work so that he can only shoot me a little bit*
im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.
you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.
please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.
could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.
i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.
i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.
but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.
you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.
here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.
for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.
i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.
happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.
it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.
these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.
there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam
recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.
but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.
and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.
speaking of howdy iv been seein cowboy/Wild West aus for welcome home and I decided to dip my toes in it a lil while I was hyper KXHDGDH
cw poorly drawn guns and messy sketches
I was just gunna make Home a sheriff’s buildin’, but I thought it would be cooler if he was a big bad spooki
also howdy’s lil bugdega is both a convenient store and a restaurant/bar (same building, all shopping stuff at the front while the restaurant is in the back) howdy can make a mean beef n cheddar KDHHFH