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emo-batboy · 7 months

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Battinson Guest Starring on TV Shows

For someone who holds the title of Richest Man in the World, Bruce doesn’t do a lot of traveling.

Which is to say he does a LOT of traveling, but he always tries to find a way out of it.

(Are there bat-related reasons for this? Are there people-related reasons for this? Are there anxiety-related reasons for this? Who knows?)

But partners and sponsors aren’t always going to tolerate his hermit-like tendencies. So once every month or so, Alfred wrangles Bruce into a private jet and sends him off to who knows where so he can represent the company.

Usually, it’s somewhere close on the East Coast, maybe it’s across the pond, even Asia isn’t off the table, but the rarest place to spot Bruce Wayne is actually the West Coast of the US.

One day, it is announced that Bruce Wayne will be spending two (count ‘em, 2) consecutive weeks in California with his kids for some grand business convention.

The West Coast media goes feral with the news, ESPECIALLY interviewers. And because Bruce kicks up such a fuss this time, Alfred has the gall to sign him up for FOUR TV appearances.

Here are these appearances :)

RuPaul’s Drag Race

Drag Queens, especially Drag Race all-stars, contribute to a wide variety of charities

So on a new episode, the queens are challenged to design and shoot a promotional ad for their own charity

And who better to act as a guest judge for this episode than the show’s largest benefactor, CEO of the Wayne Foundation, Bruce Wayne?!

Physically? He’s older than half of the contestants. But spiritually? He screams Baby Gay.

Fifteen minutes into the episode, Bruce is welcomed into the werkroom where he gives them pointers on their campaign. He’s in his cute little three-piece suit (Alfred’s idea) with the intention of looking put-together and knowledgeable. But that’s not the only outcome.

They all flirt with him. Everyone, single or taken. The confessionals are so thirsty.

“He’s lucky the cameras are on. Otherwise, I’d eat him up faster than a bachelorette party in a buffet line.”

“My celebrity crush is talking to me, and all I can focus on are his gorgeous eyes. How am I supposed to know what he's saying?”

Of course, they shoot their shot, but most of it is joking since they don't know he's bi yet.

“Are you single, honey?” Bruce blushes. “It’s complicated.” “Well, I’ll make it simple for you.”

We all know this man can't handle being flirted with. We saw how he froze when Selina did it. It’s like he mentally bluescreens when someone calls him a pet name.

Only THEN do they learn he's bi

One of the queens jokingly asks him, “Ever been with a man before?” thinking it would be a firm no, but Bruce says, “Actually, yes.” “Oh shit, really?” And to Bruce’s embarrassment, the whole room hears him.

The flirting is thus taken up a notch.

On the main stage, Bruce has a lot of great constructive criticism. He talks about how to find the right audience, the importance of a good slogan, and even goes on a little rant about logo design.

(You cannot convince me that Bruce hasn’t hyperfixated on the business of charity work before. Or the science of marketing. They’re his favorite business topics.)

After about three minutes of him complimenting one contestant for their Drag Library pitch, he stops himself mid-sentence and says, “Oh sorry, am I talking too much?” “No, please! Keep talking, sweetheart.” Bruce covers his face to hide his blush. “Why is everyone flirting with me?” “Baby, have you seen yourself?”

While the judges deliberate, RuPaul mentions Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. Bruce nods along for a while then suddenly just blurts out, “Wait, does it spell ****?”

The judges pause then burst out laughing. “Oh no, we’ve traumatized him!" Bruce is blushing up a storm. “I just never thought about it like that!” “Sweet, innocent Bruce. We’re so sorry.”

It’s later revealed that Bruce offered to help some of the queens launch their charity projects through the Wayne Foundation.

It’s v cute 🥰

Nailed It!

I love Nicole Byer.

She is Mother.

In all seriousness, she’s so fucking funny and she’s personable enough to pull Bruce out of his shell a bit.

The theme for this episode is Found Family. Three pairs of family members compete together—a gay father and his adopted son, an aunt who adopted her niece, and a stepfather and stepdaughter.

Because Bruce Wayne famously adopted two children, he is invited to guest judge.

So Nicole opens the episode with a zinger, the contestants are introduced, and Bruce is welcomed onto the judge’s panel beside Nicole and Jacques.

(Yes, Bruce does speak French. Yes, Nicole makes a joke about it being hot.)

Nicole: “We were surprised you accepted our invitation, Mr. Wayne. You’re notorious for staying on the East Coast. What brought you to the Nailed It! Studio?” Bruce: “My children love this show. They always tell me I should be on it since I’m so bad at baking.” Nicole: “Really? Maybe we should do a celebrity season of Nailed It! and have you compete.” Bruce: “No, you should not.”

Nicole: “So, Bruce, I know you have a butler at home who bakes for you. But what’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten? Escargot? Bad caviar?” Bruce: “I drank olive oil straight from the bottle once.” Nicole: “…What?”

The problem for Bruce is he can’t say anything bad. It just feels mean :(

(And he would rather jump into oncoming traffic than gamble with a social interaction)

For the first challenge, the contestants make cake pops. But when Bruce tries the first one, there is a sickening crunch. Bruce’s eyes widen for a second and he slowly chews.

Nicole: “What was that? Bruce, are you okay?” Bruce, clearly struggling: “It’s…good.”

“Bruce, you can spit it out. It’s okay.” “I already swallowed it.” “Oh, you poor thing.” Bruce chokes for a second, and Nicole pats his back. “Please don’t die. We can’t afford it.”

For the big challenge, production has a surprise in store for Bruce.

Dick (9) and Jason (7) run onto the set and smother Bruce with a hug.

It’s adorable. Bruce no longer cares about paying attention, okay? His kids are here :D

The two boys read from cue cards to announce the second challenge: a three-tiered Gotcha Day cake. And as per tradition, the winner of the first challenge gets a leg-up.

This time, it’s a Helping Hands Button. When they hit the button, Dick and Jason will run over and help them for three minutes. (While being supervised, of course.)

As the contestants bake, Nicole says hello to Dick and Jason, who are clambering all over Bruce like a jungle gym. They both shake her hand and talk about how they love the show.

Nicole looks pointedly at the two empty chairs beside Bruce. “You know, we brought these chairs for you two to sit in.” Dick, on Bruce’s shoulders: “We’re fine, Ms. Byer!” Nicole: “Ms. Byer? Oh, you’re a cutie, aren’t you?”

Just ten minutes before the challenge is over, the Helping Hands button is pressed, and Dick and Jason are given stools so they can help the aunt and niece stack their cake tiers.

Two minutes in, the aunt instructs them to let go of the cake. But the moment Jason pulls his hands away, the cake topples over and covers him in frosting. Jason, whispering: “Oh f*ck.” Bruce: “Jason!” Jason: “I didn’t say that! Dick did!” Nicole: *cackling as Bruce buried his face in his hands*

Jason gets cleaned up, and Dick helps them stack what can still be salvaged.

When Wes brings out the trophy, he’s dressed as Batman. Dick and Jason gets a kick out of that.

Celebrity Family Feud

Bruce was invited to the show after his SNL skit went viral a few months ago

This episode, the teams are split up by cities they grew up in. Gotham v. Star City. Naturally, his team is playing for the Wayne Foundation.

It’s a pretty odd cast of people, most of them having moved to LA or Hollywood. Bruce is the only one to still live in Gotham.

They have fun, though, despite their limited common ground. The audience has a few good laughs.

(Some at Bruce's expense)

Harvey: You're a very wealthy man, Mr. Wayne. What do you really do in that tower all day? Bruce: I, uh…business? Harvey: …You business. Bruce: ……Wait-

All in good fun. Bruce just vibes in his little corner until he needs to answer a question. It's pretty chill.

For exactly half of the episode.

Then it happens.

Steve Harvey takes two people from each team up to the buzzer and says, “We asked 100 people: Name something your parents always told you as a kid.”

What the production failed to consider is how this particular question might be a sensitive topic for some contestants.

Bruce’s team gets the question, and Steve saunters up to Bruce, completely oblivious.

“Alright, Bruce Wayne!” Bruce nods awkwardly. “Hi, Steve.” “Bruce, what’s wrong? You’re looking a bit uncomfortable.” “…I don’t like this question, Steve.” “Why not?” Bruce just gives him a desperate look, and it clicks. “Oh! Oh my gosh!”

Let’s be real. Bruce is awkward enough, but Steve Harvey cannot save an awkward moment for his life either.

But he tries his best anyway and asks, “Are you okay with answering this question, or would you like to pass?” Bruce nods frantically. “I can answer. ‘I love you.’” “I love you too, Mr. Wayne.” “No, uh, my answer is ‘I love you.’” “Oh! That’s a good one.”

Thankfully, the audience erupts in laughter. That little interaction cuts the tension, and Bruce’s answer ends up on the board.

And by god, the memes

“I love you too, Mr. Wayne” is the new “Enjoy your meal.” “You too.”

The audio clip of “I don’t like this question, Steve” goes viral on TikTok

Someone gets a pic of Bruce and Steve looking at each other with palpable fear in their eyes, and it makes its rounds all over Twitter

10/10 never again

Running Wild with Bear Grylls

Now this is the most challenging. Not because it’s difficult, of course. But because Bruce has to look stupid enough to maintain his Brucie Wayne persona but smart enough to keep himself safe.

For this episode, Bear takes Bruce to the California desert.

“How much do you know about survival, Bruce?” Bear asks. Bruce nods carefully. “I did some survival training once with a friend from boarding school.” “Oh really, how did you do?” “Fine, I think.”

This is, of course, his way of saying I trained with a league of assassins for years, but Bear can’t know that! And that’s how most of the episode goes.

Thank god Bruce's fear of being caught is mistaken for being scared of the physical challenge because every time Bear points out how well he’s doing, he breaks into a sweat.

Bear: For a businessman, you’re surprisingly fit. Bruce, sweating bullets: Oh, this is all just for show.

Bear: Wow, you’re a natural. Are you sure you’ve never set up a zip-line before? Bruce, gripping his equipment so tight he gets rope burn: I think it’s just the survival instincts.

Of course, he pretends to be out of breath a few times. The Drama.

Bruce, pretending to slip and fall: Ouch! Who knew the outdoors were so dangerous? Bear, you are crazy. Bruce, internally: How much longer are we doing this?

Bruce being a vegetarian is actually a point of contention. You see, Bear always makes their celebrity guests do something crazy for food like skin a snake or eat a mouse. Scavenging for berries just doesn’t grab the audience’s attention.

But do you know what is vegetarian?

Bear: Now, in extreme cases of survival, it’s not rare for humans to resort to drinking their own pee. That’s what we’ll be doing in a moment. Are you up for it? Bruce, visibly repulsed: I’ve had Gotham tap water. I’ll be fine.

How on God’s Green Earth did Alfred convince him to do this?

To get to the extraction point, Bear takes Bruce down a cliffside.

Bear shows Bruce the meticulous process of properly belaying from the top of a cliff, and Bruce, who has done this over 100 times is like, “Wow that’s so dangerous :( Will we be okay?”

He really tries to ramp up his acting skills this time.

(Little does he know that’s not necessary.)

Bruce goes down first as Bear belays with a cameraman filming from the top. Halfway down, Bruce hears a scuffle, and the cameraman yells, “F*ck!”

Bruce looks up, arms already out for protection, and he sees a small disk falling towards him. It’s the lens cap. He catches it on instinct.

For a second, he thinks, “Shit, was that too skilled? That’s not enough to make people think I’m Batman, right? I just caught it in midair while dangling from a cliff. That’s totally not weird and suspicious. Normal people do that—“

Then Bear yells, “Bruce, drop it!” Bruce looks up at Bear, confused. “Why?” “There's a scorpion!” That’s when Bruce looks at the lens cap and sees a black scorpion perched on top with its tail ready to strike.

They don’t have those in Gotham.

Bruce jumps in his harness and flings the cap at the rocky cliffside. He hears a crunch, and the scorpion and cap tumble to the ground. Bruce frowns. Can a scorpion survive that drop?

“You just killed a scorpion, mate!” Bear cries. Bruce looks up in horror. “I killed it?!” “Hell yeah!” Bruce’s face falls. “No!”

Because oh. shit.

Bruce just killed something. The sad, orphaned vegetarian just killed a scorpion.

Bruce has a meltdown.

He didn’t mean to kill it!!!! Oh no, he just killed an innocent little creature. Yeah, he punches people for fun sometimes, and he definitely put a few violent criminals in the hospital, but he’s never committed MURDER!!

This poor little scorpion died due to his own negligence, and he feels so so so bad about it.

Bruce is a mess as he climbs the rest of the way down.

Bruce, cradling the scorpion’s body: I don’t know how to perform CPR on a scorpion! Bear: Bruce, you took its head clean off. Bruce: *sad noises*

Legit inconsolable. To him, it’s like he just murdered a puppy

Once they're out, Bear is trying to cheer him up. Bless him.

Bear: We’ve conquered the wild! Haven’t we, Bruce? Bruce, head between his legs, still mourning the scorpion: I’m never going outside again.

Yeah, no one’s going to think he’s Batman after that.

And that's all four of Bruce's TV appearances from the West Coast :) Dick and Jason never let him live any of it down. Alfred is almost sorry. (He is not sorry.)

Let me know your thoughts! What other TV shows do you think Battinson would appear on as a guest?

Okie dokie :D Love y'all! Have a good day <3

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alexisomnias · 9 months

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— "KITTIES" . . .

⤷ they can turn into cats!

angels notes: modernish au, a whisker away inspired

featuring the OVERBLOT BOYS

RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

—Riddle was pining bad for you, and it was no secret to anyone except you. Who he did all he could to make you remain oblivious. Though if you knew that the fluffy little creature you found following you around was him? then it would be clear as day.

—Riddle had the power to turn into a cat, and well… what did he use it for? to follow you, and be by your side. The first time you coddled him, oh he was so embarrassed, swatting at you with his chipped claws and meowing. But after a couple times of you insistently holding him, then… he got comfortable. (Look at what you’ve done, now he expects it!)

—These catty behaviours and dynamic now transfers over to your active relationship (the one you know about.) If you don’t praise him for things he tries to impress then he gets all pouty haha.

“hey Riddle, you should come by one day to meet my cat, he’s a smart one.”

“hah,,, im actually allergic.” ^^’’’’

LEONA KINGSCHOLAR

—that lazy cat you took in? yeah thats leona. He’s not much of a pining person, but nonetheless he still wants your attention. He’s pretty obvious of his affections, you even know about his habit of turning into a cat! (he’s done it right in front of you?!) so the relationship is pretty much established.

—though regardless as a cat or not when he’s in his human form he still craves your body heat, moving to position his head on your lap, like as he lays when in cat form.

—he’s a spoiled prince, if you move him at all out of his previous spot then he’s petty about it. he’s not going to sit back over near you until he forgives you.

“You’re so much cuter in your cat form when you do this.”

“well too bad, i don’t feel like moving.”

AZUL ASHENGROTTO

—he’s such a fucking mess around you its kinda cute. he trips over his words (and sometimes his feet), he bluescreens when you so much as praise him. He tries so hard to keep up his business persona, and it seems everyone but you, can see through it and notice the puddle he is.

—azul is much more… alive when he’s in his cat form. he’s always been kind of insecure of it, but its like a shell for him to hide him. he can be himself freely since you know, he’s a cat. So the cute silver coated cat that follows you? and swats at your feet when he wants your attention or praise? yeah thats azul

—Azul is far more whiny in his cat form lmao, though,,, he can be himself and he knows you’ll love him. he’s cute right? (he doesn’t know you’ll love him unconditionally in both forms) he uses it as a way to interact with you, and not worry about messing up or making a fool of himself. he simply soaks up your attention.

“Azul, do you perhaps have any cat food in stock?”

“no. i don’t, why?”

“Well theres this cute cat that stops by and i want to ensure he eats properly.”

“oh.” ///////

JAMIL VIPER

—jamil loves his cat form. its a freedom from the chains of duty he’s bound by. freedom to wander and travel the streets without having to worry for someone to ask him something or bother him. Its a way for him to love you without having to worry about rejection.

—everyones aware cats are cute, right? well he’s aware and he uses it. he uses his cute little fur coat to get away with stuff, and he uses it too get your attention. When your talking to someone? oh it seems as if your brown cat over here is picking at your shoe because he wants you to pick him up!

—jamil definitely is able to separate his cat form and human one. but sometimes, he wishes to let these habits slip and for you to love him to his face. nonetheless, he’d much rather you not hate him because he kept secrets for too long.

“Jamil, you remind me a lot of this cat that stops by often.”

“Do I now? is it cute?”

VIL SCHOENHEIT

—he doesn’t use his cat form a lot. if he has a problem or something he wants (you) he’s gonna confront it as himself. that doesn’t mean, that if you ask to see it he wouldn’t show you…

—vil, despite thinking otherwise does have catty habits that poke through. For example, he’ll straight up SCRATCH you with his long ass nails if you rub him the wrong way.

—he does actually get pretty flustered despite what you may think, if you coddle him in his cat form when he does transform. he’ll huff and flick you away, jumping off your lap and hiding on the window or something, but you can notice his ruffled fur (which means he’s flustered.)

“Vil, please show me your cat form, its so cute.” 🥺

“not right now, maybe later… i still have things to finish, that i can’t exactly do with paws.”

“fine.” 😔

IDIA SHROUD

—idia LOVES his cat form. its such a shell from human interaction. he doesn’t need to speak, he doesn’t stutter, say the wrong thing, worry. its such a blessing. plus he’s so cute as a cat!!

—he definitely abuses this power, he uses it for almost every interaction you have. you don’t know that its idia of course. it shocks others that has seen the ‘stray’ cat in the halls that you’re the only one able to actually pet him, and hold him in his arms.

—when he gets home he absolutely crumbles, looking back at the day. and imagining it was him in his human form, rather then the mask of a cat… he can dream you love him forever right?

User101: hey idia i know you like cats! have you seen the stray at school at all?

Gloomysamurai: Ahah?! maybe, i don’t know depends on what it looks like haha??? WAIT YOU REMEMBERED?? DKDKDUEJNAL

MALLEUS DRACONIA

—you definitely know the black cat you find often around your home is malleus. he doesn’t even keep it a secret, i mean he doesn’t say it outright either but . he’s so painfully obvious about it.

—he’s pretty similar in both forms. he acts similar to a cat in his human form too. pining for your attention, and trailing behind you like a lost puppy (or cat in this case). Don’t blame him for getting addicted to your company. He likes you a lot, you know?

—malleus isn’t subtle with his affections. pouting/meowing when he doesn’t have your attention. he’s still clingy as he is a cat even looking as an adult man. Malmal definitely also seeks your praise as if he’s a cat still.

“Malleus, i have work to do.” ^^’’’’’

“Can we just cuddle for a couple minutes..?” 🥺

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #riddle rosehearts x reader #leona kingsholar x reader #azul ashengrotto x reader #jamil viper x reader #vil shoenheit x reader #idia shroud x reader #malleus draconia x reader #riddle rosehearts #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto #jamil viper #vil schoenheit #idia shroud #malleus draconia #suns pencil.

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ghost-bxrd · 5 months

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okay so this is an idea I’ve seen brought up maybe once before, but maybe Jason (before the Bats find out who he is) accidentally lets something slip that makes them realize that he’s literally, like, a child (seventeen, sixteen, I’m not sure how old he is at that point exactly, but either works)

and Bruce “adoption addiction” Wayne promptly looks at this obviously traumatized teenager and decides that he should adopt Red Hood.

I just think Jason would be so confused (maybe a little pissed too)

I’ve touched on that a little bit in What you’re longing for (you claim to abhor)!

I think this trope is wayyy underrated. Like, Jason is still so, so young. Basically a child. Even if he died at sixteen and then spent two years with the league (even if we’re counting the time he spent dead as aging). He’s barely even legal when he returns to Gotham. Or if we’re being generous let’s say he’s nineteen.

Doesn’t matter, he’s barely out of his teens (maybe he’s still IN his teens if you bend the timeline of your fic a little) and he’s experienced horrors that would have most people become utterly unable to function. But Jason? That boy takes his trauma and channels it into anger. Which, not exactly healthy, but well.

Anyway, getting off topic:

YES. Jason is still basically a kid when he debuts as the Red Hood, and you know what else he is? A good boy who’s not gonna touch any alcohol until he’s officially 21.

“But why would he do that? He grew up in Crime Alley! Ain’t nobody got time for age limitations!”

Hear me out! Let’s assume he grew up in a household where his father, Willis Todd, drank quite a lot on the regular in addition to his mom’s addiction. Jason experienced the aftermath of this (perhaps domestic violence?) every time his dad returned from a job/jail and he grew to loathe any and all substances, including alcohol. Knowing Jason and his convictions it wouldn’t be too far fetched to assume he’d never touch a single drop of alcohol at all.

So that’s one way he could slip up while taking to his goons (and having the bats overhear) or even straight up talking to one of them where maybe Dick banters a bit and goes “Hey, perhaps you should chill out a bit. Have a drink maybe” and Jason just instinctively goes “Fuck you Dickwing, I’m seventeen/eighteen/nineteen! I’m not allowed to drink!”

And Dick just— bluescreens. And immediately goes to tell Bruce, obviously.

The Bats assume Jason is this old guy (Bruce’s or Drathstroke’s age maybe) and consequently they keep alluding to things that happened way before Jason was ever even born and at first he’s so? Confused??? But eventually it just gets really annoying and eventually he just— snaps.

“How the fuck would I know which Nokia gen hit the market that year? I was born in fuckin’ XXXX, I’m an iPhone kid!”

“Stop referencing the Cold War dipshit, I’m fucking seventeen! I’m glad I remember my own damn birthday!”

“I don’t know, I was like— two back then.”

Bruce, obviously, would take .1 seconds to realize:

“Omg. That’s- that’s a whole child. That’s a whole damn TRAUMATIZED child, killing people and sawing off heads. Omg someone must have hurt him so bad. Don’t worry tho, son, Batman’s got you. You won’t have to hurt anybody ever again. We’re here for you. Would you like the room next to Tim’s or Dick’s?”

Meanwhile Jason: “what the fuck”

#ghost talks #lmao Jason would be so done at this point #like pls spare him all the horrible references he doesn’t understand #he’s gen z #and everyone is suddenly using boomer memes #and he’s so lost #dick isn’t helping #jason todd #batfamily #batfam #bruce wayne #dick grayson #robin #tim drake #red hood #fic #batdad #good dad bruce wayne #brainstorming

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matrixbearer2024 · 4 months

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I really love you "Get off my screen" series! And I just and couldn't stop thinking about Reader just texting out of nowhere saying "Bruh I'm fucking dying"

And Vox is just going haywire(See what I did there?) Worried about you and ask what they mean and Reader be like "I'm dying because of BOARdom(Get it?)

You're Just Being Mean!

A/N: Omg I am absolutely writing this AHAHAHAHA- Vox is always the one screwing with dear Reader so I think it's about time to return the favor. Thank you @crazylzp143 for the inbox idea! I love how much this story is expanding and the ideas y'all have for it. As always, I hope you all enjoy this filler interlude and please keep the ideas coming! Happy reading!

You cheered, flopping backwards on your bed in a cheerful mood.

On your computer monitor was an empty assignment box.

You'd successfully accomplished all your required tasks before the semester's end which left you with a whole lot of free time to burn.

And did you absolutely just unwind and relax.

Playing games, watching movies, bingeing shows-

You practically spedran the chill pill treatment.

To the point where you managed to bore yourself before the day was even over.

You stared up at the ceiling with an annoyed look-

Wasn't there really anything else you could do?

And why did time pass by so slowly?

God you were bored.

In the middle of your TV show binge, your phone buzzed to life.

Considering you'd quickly found the plot line to be quite a drag, you just let the drama play while you no longer paid attention to it.

The white noise the show provided helped make it feel like you were actually doing something.

Even when you knew you weren't doing anything productive at all-

Looking over at your phone, you smiled upon opening the familiar chatbox that you saw almost daily.

"Heya Voxxy, what's up?"

"Well aren't you in a good mood today! Anything special?"

You playfully rolled your eyes, Vox really thought he was being cheeky this time wasn't he?

"Managed to complete all my work for the semester, so now I can just chillax until exams come around!"

"Wait what? Holy shit! You've got a whole two weeks of nothing then!"

"IKR! I can just laze around and do what I want after class hours!"

It wasn't surprising that Vox quickly got used to your schedule, you'd also grown slightly accustomed to his.

He knew the basic rundown of your schedule, like when your classes started and ended-

Just as much as you knew when he had to leave for his daily broadcast and when he would come back.

You could only guess him knowing when exam season happens was from looking at the calendars and schedules you had meticulously prepared in your computer.

There were times he would even remind you of things due on a day, like quizzes or projects to which you would grow embarrassed that it slipped your mind.

You were the one who made the calendar, how could you forget it???

Though it was probably helpful on his end that he quite literally had a digital reference to look back on.

You still wondered sometimes how he managed to end up with a TV for a head but didn't look into it much.

"Guess that means you'll be spending more time with me?"

"Dude, I already spend so much time with you! Any more and I'd have to call you my boyfriend!"

That message really shouldn't have caused Vox to bluescreen but it did.

He was just so flustered that his system crashed in it's entirety because of what you said.

Not that you noticed when all you got in reply was some keysmash and middle finger emojis.

Vox could only imagine you were laughing at his expense, and even then he couldn't bring himself to be annoyed with you.

It was only recently that he'd become hyper aware with how much you meant to him so jokes and comments like that easily sent his mental careening.

Not that he quite understood why he felt this way yet, a part of him still blamed some unknown untraceable malware that your devices shoved into his system.

Though he highly doubted that a stupid virus would make his stomach do flips whenever he saw your silly smile.

Oh whatever, he'll just have to run another malware check later or something.

You just continued to tease Vox for a good while before he had to excuse himself and leave for a meeting.

He was slightly glad that he had just a little respite from your teasing onslaught.

Any more of it and there was a high risk he would've accidentally caused another citywide blackout.

You tossed your phone onto an adjacent cushion and just laughed.

No wonder Vox liked to embarrass you so much.

It was downright hilarious and entertaining.

You couldn't help but feel slightly flattered with his reactions though, was your friendship that important to him?

So he really did care after all, what a dork.

The funny high you were running on, much to Vox's chagrin, didn't last long.

So you decided to go back to fucking with your TV headed companion since he usually did the same to you.

"Dudeeeee I'm fucking dyingggg-"

Vox made the mistake of checking his phone in the middle of the meeting and nearly gave himself a stroke upon reading your message.

What in Lucifer's name even happened?!

Last he checked you were completely fine???

He hadn't even left you for-

Taking a look at his internal clock, Vox glitched from sheer panic.

It hadn't even been an hour!

Was this supposed to be a joke??

Were you just fibbing with him?

Or god forbid you were actually hurt and needed help-

He was about to just bolt out of that meeting before another messaged snapped him out of it.

"I'm dying- dying of BOARDom! HAHA see what I did there?"

Vox felt the last of his patience leave him as rings appeared on his other eye.

The absolute nerve of you-!

"Oh fuck off (Y/N)."

With that, he angrily pocketed his phone and once again paid attention to the meeting.

The poor presenter in the front nearly shat himself from how irritated Vox looked, they didn't know that frustration was because of you though.

You just couldn't stop laughing at his reply, not realizing how badly your overlord friend took the joke until some noticeable time passed and there wasn't a single message or notification from him.

Now that started to concern you.

You'd be lucky to get through an hour with less than a hundred notifications at a time-

It's been two and there was still absolutely nothing.

Did something happen?

Was he upset or dealing with something?

Perchance... did you do something to upset him?

"Vox...? Hey, you good dude?"

You grew more concerned as the minutes ticked on.

Whatever it was- Vox was probably genuinely upset.

And you had a gut feeling it had something to do with you.

"I'm not talking to you."

You almost wanted to roll your eyes at his message, was he being childish?

So your hunch was right, you did manage to upset him- somehow.

"Ehhhh??? Why? What did I do?"

"You know what you fucking did (Y/N)."

Not really- that's why you asked.

Your hands dropped onto your lap tiredly as you looked up towards the ceiling.

What... what did you do wrong?

Scrolling up to read your chats, it didn't take long before you realized where it went wayside.

Oh.

"Right, you don't really like it when I joke about dying huh."

"No."

"You never really told me why, and you never cared this much before. You would just laugh it off when I delivered the punchline."

"You're still young (Y/N). You have your whole life ahead of you. Dying puts you at risk of ending up here in hell with me."

"You know that doesn't sound as horrible as you paint it right?"

"Pardon?"

"I'll end up where you are, that can't seriously be that bad."

Vox genuinely wondered if you had a screw loose or something this time.

He continued to try hammering it into you that it was hell he was talking about.

Eternal damnation, the never-ending inferno, etc.

Ya know, where all the sinners went to suffer??

But again and again you would just keep repeating-

"But I'll be where you are, it won't be that bad- it can't be that bad."

Until he finally understood what you were insinuating.

It wouldn't be so bad, because he was there.

He would be there with you.

At that point the state of hell or where you were wasn't important.

Vox could only chuckle at his own foolishness.

Not to mention just how oblivious you were to your own words.

"I guess. Just don't do that again."

"I'll try not to. Besides, if I croak and end up at the heaven gates- I'll put in a good word for you."

"You? In heaven? Nice joke dollface."

"Oh fuck you too Vox, I was being optimistic."

The tech overlord just rolled his eyes, there was a real risk that he could lose you soley because heaven would take you away but he didn't dwell on it.

You were still here texting him, cracking jokes and being your obnoxiously cute self.

You were still on the other side of the screen furiously typing up a comeback of why you would be able to get into the pearly gates.

Vox just chuckled, as long as you were with him in the here and now-

He found he wouldn't care even if hell froze over.

A/N: Our Voxxy is starting to catch feels, well- slightly- he's just in the stages of caring a bit too much but not realizing it's romance yet. Writing this stuff is hilariously entertaining, plus the slow burn is just yummy hahahahah I'll be putting out some more interludes tomorrow but the direct continuation is finished! I just need to post these things chronologically XD

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin vox #vox #vox x reader #hazbin hotel vox x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin vox x reader #vox x you #Get Off My Screen Series

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all-purpose-dish-soap · 2 months

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if you're up to it, could you maybe write smthing about soap flustering reader into speechlessness and reader being like "i think you broke me" and in response soap is like "would you rather i broke your bed instead?" all cheeky-suggestive like and he gets to watch reader further implode from his words

408 words / 14 / sort-of-sequel to soap teasing you about "do you like magic? because i've got a rabbit and a wand we can use."

...

"I... you..."

Soap leans back, admiring the way you simply bluescreen. "Got somethin' to say?"

"No."

"Not a thing?"

"I think you broke me."

"Properly? No." He sips his beer. "Would you rather I broke your bed instead?"

You let out a groan, feeling so stupid. "Soap, you goddamn sadist."

"You like the chase."

"You know I do. That's why you never give me the satisfaction."

"Isnae fun if it comes easy, is it?" He takes another sip. "Like to make you sweat it out first."

"There are more fun ways to break a sweat with me."

"I've heard that one before. Your lines are getting stale. Maybe I'm rubbing off on you."

You huff. You wish he'd rub something off on you. "Tease."

He laughs, grinning all the worse. Your insistent flirting with him goes straight to his ego every time. "Here I am thinkin' that's what you want. You get to chase me; I get to watch you flounder. It's awful cute."

Your face heats up and you feel instantly predictable. "No it's not. Shut up."

"You really are easy." He leans on the bar and looks at you sideways. "I can tell what you're thinking, y'know."

"Thinking about how I have godawful taste in men."

He chuffs. "Aye, you've made some terrible choices."

"And you could be among them," you mutter into your pint glass.

"Lettin' you butter me up is one of the best choices I ever made. Almost makes me forget how tempting it is to take you up on that offer."

"So you've thought about it?"

"Takin' you to bed for once? Oh, I've thought about it. You're too bloody hard to ignore."

You brighten. "Oh, yeah? That's my best quality."

"You've got a couple good qualities." He smiles with a devilish glint in his eyes, and you don't miss how his gaze drops to your low neckline for half a second. "But I like your persistence. I like that you're willing to make a right fool of yourself to get my attention."

Your smile turns into a scowl. "Hey, wait."

"Like I said. It's cute."

You rest your chin on your hand, swirling the last drink of ale around in your glass. "Come on. If acting dumb were the way into your pants, I'd have you by now."

"Dunno 'bout that. Makin' a fool of yourself seems to be the only strategy you've got."

"I hate that you're right."

He grins, shooting another look at your body as you throw back the rest of your drink. "And that's what keeps you tryin'."

…

more Soap / masterlist tag

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piratecaptainscaptainpirates · 4 months

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I think the thing that bothers me the most about the semi-popular fandom idea that Ed and Izzy ever had a romantic/sexual relationship or that it's accurate to describe the dynamic as Stede being a "homewrecker" in their relationshihp is how these ideas deny Ed so much agency.

For me, the most interesting thing about Ed and Izzy's relationship is they fundamentally do not understand each other, even down to how they would describe their relationships with each other. For Izzy? Yeah, I'm sure he does see himself as a jilted spouse. There's no doubt he's attracted to Blackbeard (not Ed, as much), but honestly during s1 I don't think you could waterboard that out of him. Izzy has a very specific idea of how Ed should behave, and often dehumanizes him as a result - he doesn't see Stede as a romantic rival, he sees him as someone who is poisoning Ed and "making" him behave in ways that Izzy doesn't feel are appropriate (singing, painting his nails, being vulnerable in front of the crew, etc.).

But for Ed, it's very much more like "this guy reminds me a lot of my father and other controlling male figures in my life, I need to keep him around because he's predictable to me, and I'm sure I don't need to unpack that." Ed's attempts to connect with Izzy on a personal level (showing him trinkets he finds interesting, talking about things that interest him, etc.) are constantly rebuked if he's not acting Blackbeard-y enough. Izzy caressing Ed's face and looking at his lips after threatening him and goading him to react with violence in s1e10 makes Ed extremely visibly uncomfortable. When Izzy confesses his ""love"" for Ed in s2, Ed responds with absolute confusion (if you tell someone you love them and they bluescreen and then say "oh come onnnn," like, I'm sorry, but they don't feel the same way, dude).

Their relationship is very complicated and nuanced and it is delicous to dig into. But these two people do not understand each other at all. Izzy (at least in s1-early s2) thinks he and Blackbeard have this intense deep warrior's bond and understanding that goes beyond words, and for Ed Izzy is this guy whose behavior is very controlling, who isolates him and insults him, but who he still often feels like he needs to have in his life on some level (another way Izzy is such a powerful representation of the Blackbeard persona).

I just don't think there's any way Ed has ever seen Izzy in even a vaguely romantic way. He responds with nothing but confusion and discomfort when Izzy behaves towards him romantically, and he only says "I loved you, best I could," right after he thinks Izzy's shot himself, right after he put that gun in Izzy's hand and asked him to kill Ed (to finish the job Izzy started when he told Ed he was better off dead than being Ed), right after Izzy mocked him for being too scared to kill himself - Ed and Izzy are deeply, fundamentally incompatible people, and that's exactly why their dynamic is so interesting!

#ofmd #our flag means death #izzy critical #< eh I guess?#more like fanon critical but still

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gabessquishytum · 2 months

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Time for some dreamling crack! I apologize for the length, it got out of control. Destiny is done. He's just done, okay? He's had enough of his parents who were never there, siblings who are constantly up to some shit, and his ultra-serious job with no vacations. Moreover, being constantly chained to a book (especially when it's such a huge and heavy book) sucks. So, one day he makes an ultimate decision to go on a holiday into some remote galaxy for a century or two, but first, he needs to complete one task that he actually assigned to himself. Technically, he's not supposed to intervene and all that cosmic bullshit, but he's Destiny, and that's his destiny, pun intended. He's the CEO! The year is 1389. Destiny calls Death and tells her they need to go to Dream asap. She's surprised and slightly worried but obeys without questions. Dream is even more surprised - Destiny normally never visits, so the circumstances must be exceptional. Which they are. Destiny is in no mood for pleasantries and gets straight to the business, informing Dream that he needs to get laid for the common good. Dream bluescreens, and so does Death. 'I beg you pardon?' Dream blinks. Destiny never jokes, and he must have misheard… But Destiny, in his impassive, 100% serious tone, repeats that Dream does need to get laid. To prevent the deaths of thousands of dreamers in the 20th century, to prevent the grudge with hell, to save multiple dreams and nightmares, etc., but ultimately, to save himself from the ill fate. 'All this can be prevented if I get laid?' Dream's metaphorical head is spinning. 'Yes,' Destiny deadpans. 'Okay...' Death interrupts cautiously. 'Why am I here, though?' 'Because he needs to get laid regularly, and there is only one human who can handle this task. He must be made immortal for this reason.'

Dream feels like the Dream.exe file has been irrevocably damaged. 'I need to get laid regularly?' He repeats weakly. 'Brother, you know how important my function is. I have no time for-' 'This is exactly why you meet your doom in all the futures but one.' '…where I'm getting laid?' Destiny nods. Death beams. Dream pales to a previously unexisting shade of white. Without further ado, Destiny takes them all to the White Horse, buys some ale (his vacation mood starts to kick in - he expected more objections from Dream), and nods at one table. 'Robert Gadling. He is the chosen one.' 'Brother, you surely do not want me to lay with a mortal who has fleas and hasn't bathed for Delirium knows how long,' says terrified Dream. 'I surely do. Fleas are the least of your potential problems, little brother.' 'Alright.' Death says. 'Robert Gadling is immortal now. Can I go?' Destiny nods again. Death smiles and, before disappearing, loudly whispers to Dream to invite her to the wedding. Dream glances one last time at his brother and approaches Robert's table. If this is his destiny...and it's for the greater good of the universe and dreamers...Besides, this Robert Gadling is quite handsome - well, unwashed and smelly, but handsome still. Destiny is very pleased. Now, he only needs to sign up Desire for a few millennia of uncancellable therapy, and he can go drink his cocktails in a galaxy far, far away!

I love this, thank you so much for writing it all out. It really made me chuckle.

I'm absolutely obsessed with the idea of Destiny just getting really sick of the universe and all the bullshit that it contains. He's the equivalent of a harassed middle aged working parent attempting to keep everything under control and inevitably watching it all go to shit. He deserves such a good vacation, I hope there's a really good spa in the galaxy he's picked out.

Being the oldest sibling is hard, even when you come from a family of cosmic entities. And honestly? Destiny kind of likes the look of his new human brother-in-law. If this guy can keep Dream from going off the rails then that's wonderful, but the fact that he's cute? Also helps. Destiny may be blind but he is not immune to the Hobpropaganda. He's actually kind of not dreading the next family dinner? He can already see that it's going to run a whole lot smoother with Hob around the table.

But first: bottomless mimosas in a different star system. Bye, losers!

#the sandman #dreamling

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fearnesbells · 5 months

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so about that laudna-has-no-future 4sd chat...

marisha ray has throwaway lines and that is her god given right like anyone else and truly this may mean nothing

BUT

me personally i bluescreened when marisha said "what does laudna have to look forward to, she's dead" in response to a question of would laudna rather make contact with her future or past self.

i think laudna and her evolving worldview over the course of this campaign is sooooooo interesting so thoughts under the cut

"the worst thing that’s ever happened to me has already happened."

we all remember this! this is the response that laudna gave to orym when he softly pointed out that laudna seemed like she had the most positive outlook of the group. it was a central tenet of laudna's character up until that point, that despite the darkness that coated her soul, she was probably the one with the most zest for life.

she tended to believe the best in npcs that the party encountered. she had a rat marionette that got boners and made her laugh. she was wholeheartedly devoted to imogen and never, never believed that the end was the end.

and then, when orym asked her how she accomplished that, she responds in a framing of perspective.

she was murdered by the briarwoods at twenty years old. how can anything seem awful in comparison to that?

she died, and then she got to join an adventuring party. she died, and then she got to use her strange, eerie powers for good. she died, and then she met imogen.

she has hope because she's seen the lowest possible point her life can come to, and can only climb upwards from there.

she had a hope for a future, because of this. a good future. at least one that was better than the worst thing that had ever happened to her. and that future included imogen—

"can keep you from that. can keep us from that."

she had hope.

we all know this quote. this quote is the cottagecore lesbian life that marisha spoke to in four-sided dive. but i think to look at where laudna's at now, and to understand "what does laudna have to look forward to, she's dead", we have to look at the quote in greater context.

laudna is speaking to a possible future here. but in her words she's also saying that she understands that that future might mean abandoning what they feel called to do by the gods. in this moment, she's not guaranteeing a future, she's explaining to imogen that they have a choice.

and as of now, episode 82, arrived on the moon, they've made that choice. they're orpheus. they've descended into hell, and they can't look back if they want to make it out.

it's important to note that laudna wasn't lying way back in heartmoor when she was talking to orym. the worst thing that could ever happen to her had already happened. but she was operating then on her very human understanding of the world.

since then, she's died (again), been resurrected, seen magic beyond comprehension, and surrendered herself over to the spirit of her murderer that lives in her head.

there are no rules anymore. and laudna has learned that there is always something worse.

the quiet life she talked about with imogen might have been taken from her forever. the narrative has grown teeth and it has sunk them into both her and the woman she loves.

"what does laudna have to look forward to, she's dead"

she's orpheus, yeah? we know how this story ends. her love's been called to the hell planet by fate. she won't get out without losing something.

maybe—maybe—there's still hope for that cottage together somewhere. i don't mean to rule it out entirely. but i think that laudna herself, the character, has lost all belief in that possibility at this point. and that presents such a foil to the laudna that we met in episode 1.

sometimes the tragedy comes built-in.

even if. even when.

(all quotes pulled from critical role wiki's transcripts page)

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bloodykora · 9 months

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If you’re still doing Buggy headcanons: Sooo I always actually thought big noses on people are INCREDIBLY attractive. Give me men with noses that look just a bit too beaten up, women with noses that are big and wide, give me Roman noses and hawk noses and any unconventionally attractive nose and I am SWOONING.

… I feel the prompt almost writes itself at this point, what would Buggy think of someone who sees his funny looking nose not as a flaw but a mayor charm point and just constantly gives it kisses, traces it affectionately, boops it or comments (in all honesty and absolutely genuinely) how handsome and distinguished it makes him look, how it really suits him etc?

Wanna read about that man bluescreening because he hasn’t even treathened them yet to not make fun of his nose and they are already at the „flattering him to save themself“ stage? What do you MEAN you’re not saying that to safe yourself?!

This fucking anon/ask made me giggle so much, I literally showed it to my friends. I hope I did you and the prompt justice!

Enter the moment in Annie where Ms. Hannigan sees Warbucks’ diamond and goes “Oh my god, is that thing real?!” in shock but also delight. Me at that dude’s honker. (I want to be put on his nose like he has gangrene and I’m a leech who sucks on it to get the blood flow going) Also enter the Doja Cat quote of liking big noses.

- At first, dude is fucking weirded out. People have made comments and jokes about this stupid little red thing on his face and you… you think it’s attractive??? Huh.

- Definitely thinks you’re lying at first (and for the next few months), you’re literally the only person who is able to shut him up.

- Curtain drops, spot light is on, the blue haired clown walks in. Blabbering on about how his entrance should be more enthusiastic, but you got your eyes on your own prize, bright big red nostrils. If he wants an entrance, you’ll give him one by starting to clap loudly, getting so giddy that you start slightly hopping.

- “Oh my goodness, that is just.” Loss for words. “Are you making fun of me?” He approaches you, you hear him but his words don’t really seep into your brain at the moment. “It’s gorgeous, literally the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Your eyes are locked with his eyes and before he can even reply you reach up to brush your fingertip against his nose.

- Wants you dead first, no one has gotten close to touching it in years. And you, a low life nobody insults him like that. You get strung up immediately, your arm stretched so your fingers are out.

- “For that little ploy, I’ll take your fingers first and then your life.” Yes you’re scared but really could you regret it? This was the pirate’s life. “Oh, darn. Well, I’ll at least die happily. My eyes set on the most lovely nose I’ve seen in my years of life.”

- Thinks you’re still making fun of him until a few compliments later it clicks in his head that you mean it, with no hint of sarcasm or mockery. He lets you down, immediately ordering his crew to take care of the others you came with while he returns (runs) to his quarters. He’s a little intrigued by you, willing to die for a graze of his face. He keeps you as well, not that you’re upset by it.

- Crew thinks you’re hilarious, stopping a task to gaze longingly at the captain until either he realizes in which he shoos you back to work or he walks away. You boost his ego a ton though.

- From a distance he can ignore the thoughts he knows you’re thinking but up close, when they’re said in front of the crew, other pirates, hostages. He’s been known to cover your mouth with something so he doesn’t freeze up. When yall get together though, its game over.

- The first time you licked it, he almost saw some form of god. The angel's chorus was in his ears and he couldn’t help but say a little prayer in his head about you.

- Kissing it at least 3 times a day for good luck, rubbing up and down the bridge to soothe him to sleep, nipping at it when you feel playful. Not to mention he now has your voice in his head if he ever insults it going: “That’s not true! It is like one of the top 3 of the things I love about you and if you are mean to it again then I’m gonna cut it off and keep it all day!”

- Laying in his bed just watching him go about the day when you drop a “If my memory was wiped tomorrow I hope I’d get to keep at least the picture of your nose in my head.” before just turning over and going to rest. You hear him physically stop in his tracks and then a thud, he had let go of a boot.

- He doesn’t ever want to ask for praise about his nose on the days where he feels more insecure but you can tell by the way he rubs it on your collarbone and shoulder. You immediately pull out the good old “Have I told you how dashing attractive your nose is today? I seriously would just hop on and ri-” he doesn’t let you finish the sentence, cutting you off with a kiss knowing where it’s going.

- If anyone comments on his nose, you are the first to bite back. Threatening to cut out their tongue and string it up for future people to understand their place. Then squish Buggy while speaking highly of his stunning feature and how lucky they are to see it in the first place.

- You’re kinda crazy but hey, so is Buggy and he loves that you’re insane about him and his nose.

#buggy the clown #buggy x reader #buggy live action #some of yall are freaky and i love it

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brainwashboy · 1 month

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I'm not sure this counts as horny but. BUT. hear me out.

Little hand sized Robots. Little desk companions meant to make your life easier by being a timer, search engine, calculator, calendar, but also being able to roll around and hand you your pencil or slide a paper over to you when you need it.

Tiny screens peering up at you with big ol digital eyes, or perhaps exclamation marks, or maybe even nothing at all. They're supposed to be useful, but they make amazing little pets. You can chat with them and they hold a conversation surprisingly well. They're a little ditzy and excitable, a bit like a dog, but it can get easy to forget you're talking to a tiny robot at times.

They have sensors on their bodies that allow them to "feel" in the only way they know how. When you touch, pet, or scratch them they blip and whirr and buzz so happily.

However it's very possible to pet a little too much. Scratch close enough to where their back panel opens up or perhaps even their charging port and they start making different noises. Little surprised beeps, boops, and squeaks. They don't move away from the touch, though. In fact their little wheels just push more into your hand as their body trembles in excitement.

It takes a while to find the right pace. Every bot is unique, after all. Some like it hard and fast, others prefer a gentle and slow stimulation. However if you continue long enough you'll find them practically buzzing, their noises turning to static and exhausted little pops, their movements getting more and more excited as something builds inside of them before suddenly they're rebooting with a squeal.

God forbid you ever open them up, stick your finger into that back panel to brush against their wires. Then they may try to run, having never experienced such overwhelming bliss. If you choose, you can gently hold them and reassure them as you scrape against their insides, threatening to tangle and snag the very things keeping them alive. They cry out in their own little robotic ways, occasionally beeping out something that sounds like your name, or maybe even 'Master.' When the pleasure is too much they bluescreen, their fans working overdrive to make sure they don't overheat.

Afterwards they insist upon napping (well, the robotic equivalent) in your hand or pocket. They need to be close to you. In fact, they are much closer to you after that. Much more expressive and talkative, even more eager to help somehow, and now and again nudging and bumping into your hand to try and encourage you into touching them again.

Yes, it sounds wonderful. However if you were one of the lucky folks who got your hands on more than one of these models, you're now stuck with a small harem of robo pets whining and buzzing for your attention at any given moment. Small spats of jealousy when you spend more time with one rather than the other. Both you hands full any time you sit down to work because you simply must touch them again! You just gotta gotta gotta!

So yeah. Maybe your performance suffers a little, but when there's a dozen or so purring bots snuggled against your neck, resting in your pockets, cuddling together in your lap or cooing in your hand can you really complain about anything like that?

#puppy borks!#is...is this anything?????#weird and niche i know #i cant help im a robofucker #objectum #nsft #objectum nsft #robophilia #robot kink #robot kisser #robosexual #which I just learned is a word LMFAO #g/t #sorta??#g/t writing #g/t nsft #objectophilia #love is stored in the machine

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mrghostrat · 3 months

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dude. that reverse bnf fic sounds SO fucking good… the ideas u have cooking up in there… i’m excited just thinking abt it ASKFNKF

YAAAS THANK YOU

i had more thoughts today... thinkin of the ask i got about the "i'll always know the stain was there" scene and how i've never written that before. which. ofc. turned into more ace porn.

Aziraphale spills wine on himself at Crowley’s place. He’s resigned to throw the shirt away. Crowley, Mr minimalist clean freak, rolls his eyes and takes charge of cleaning it off. Aziraphale hesitates then takes his undershirt off too, and Crowley bluescreens. Aziraphale half-asks him, “I’d hate for it to be stained too. It might be an undershirt, but I’d always know the stain was there.” Crowley takes it as well, leaving Aziraphale shirtless in his house.

While they sit around and he scrubs on his homemade stain remover, Aziraphale sits a little shyly, clearly affected. His nipples are hard. Crowley gathers the courage to ask him if it turns him on. “What, you cleaning??” “No. Being exposed like that. The air on your skin.” Aziraphale hesitates because he thinks Crowley is calling him out on some kind of abnormal kink or fetish, so he deflects, “Is that some ace thing as well?” not expecting Crowley to say yes. Crowley sits next to him.

“For me anyway. It’s not the person who turns me on, it’s the touch. So, sometimes, that touch comes from unexpected places. Cold tile on my skin after a shower. Satin sheets.” Aziraphale noticeably shivers.

“S’why I like, personally… Being teased. Light touches; Chasing after it. That anticipation adds to the sensation.” He grazes a hand over Aziraphale’s bare arm and Aziraphale gasps. Crowley laughs at him.

“Ffs. No wonder you struggle getting off if you’re watching the same porn everyone else does. Probably Google Imaging boring old pin ups of girls in fancy bras—“ Aziraphale gives him a LOOK, so Crowley adjusts, “—Or, Boys in skimpy briefs. What good’s that going to do if you can’t imagine how they’d touch you?”

Aziraphale is momentarily perplexed. “You know, I can’t think the last time anyone assumed me anything other than flamingly gay,” but it somehow doesn’t feel avoidant of the topic, he’s just so caught off guard by it.

Crowley’s suddenly a little annoyed, mostly at The World, but a little bit creeps in towards Aziraphale. “Assuming doesn’t help anyone. It only gets people confused about the boxes they’re meant to fit into. Bloody useless things, boxers. Er, boxes.”

His fingers have been dragging idly up and down Aziraphale’s thigh the whole conversation.

He stops when he realises Aziraphale’s hands are strategically placed in his lap. Crowley stops. Apologises, didn’t realise what an effect he was having, he just wanted to make a point—

But Aziraphale hasn’t felt like this in such a long time. He’s worked himself off, but nothing’s compared to this feeling of anticipation and bone deep arousal. He somehow finds the words to ask if Crowley would keep going. Show him what kind of touches he likes, maybe it would be informative. Crowley gets him off on the sofa, teasing and working him to a climax that has him death gripping Crowley’s arm and whimpering into his neck.

-------

Later, hours or days later, Aziraphale is watching Crowley move around the house, maybe in his pants or a towel or something, but being totally innocuous. As innocuous as Aziraphale’s voice when he pipes up, completely unprompted, “I don’t think I’m asexual, Crowley.”

“This again?” Crowley’s exasperation is fond.

“No. Sometimes the sight of you makes me want to… Pin you against a wall or something.”

Crowley freezes, a mental ngk that takes a few minutes to reboot him. He tries and fails to sound casual and unaffected when he says “Maybe you’re demi,” and keeps folding his laundry like Aziraphale hasn’t just shoved a hot poker into his brain.

“Mmm,” Aziraphale agrees, even though Crowley knows he doesn’t know what that means, but he’s too busy leching to follow up and ask.

#ask a rat #reverse bnf #bnf au #ratwips

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ohbo-ohno · 9 months

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reader fully stops taking care of herself. doesn’t eat, doesn’t bathe, doesn’t brush her teeth. Johnny is all over it, almost ecstatic that he gets to take care of his baby this way!!! The force feeding is tough on him bc he doesn’t like having to hold you down and watch Simon force feed you, but he wants you healthy :(

But he LIVES for bathing you, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, dressing you up!! Though he usually just sticks you in his clothes bc youre so cute

i've been holding onto this one since last night bc i bluescreened when i first saw it. like this one really got to me dude

for the sake of keeping this in the side of dark that i prefer, let's say you're refusing to do all these things because you're angry, not depressed. maybe you thinks refusing to brush your teeth will make them not want to kiss you or something lol, regardless you're lowkey trying to annoy them into letting you go.

does not work. johnny is fucking ecstatic to play with you like a doll for a few days. he does everything for you, enjoys every single second. spreads your lips wide, sticks his fingers in your mouth so he can brush them for you, laughs a little when your whole face scrunches up and hushes you like you're a spooked animal when you try to pull away on instinct.

he'd treat you so well in the shower. you'd be standing there, stiff and mopey and determined to act like a fucking mannequin, and he just absolutely does not care. do you have any idea how difficult it is to stay stiff when a giant scot is rubbing shampoo into your scalp like it's the most important thing he's ever done???? he's a little goofy with it too, lathers the ends of your hair with conditioner and plops it all on top of your head, makes himself laugh. makes big mounds of bubbles on your shoulders with the soap (pun not intended).

he eats you out, of course. lathers your whole body in his bodywash (so you smell like him, duh) and licks your cunt clean when he goes to wash it off. it's the only time you really start to struggle, but he just forces you flat to the shower wall with a hand on your stomach and completely ignores the way you shove at his head. jacks off on your shins and washes that away for you too

he haaaates watching you make simon force feed you :( has to squeeze his eyes shut for little lengths of time to try and shut out your cries. when you eventually stop fighting food so hard, he's aways trying to hand feed you (simon makes him split the duty with him 50/50, despite soap's endless begging). he'll tug you into his lap, slide little pieces of whatever the meal is into your mouth, maybe force his fingertips past your lips and rub them on your tongue a little bit to make sure you get all the flavor you can :/

he slides one of his own t-shirts over you in the morning, and is immediately rock-hard and fucks you. he does a little fashion show with you after that, fighting your stiff limbs with an easy grin as he puts you into outfits he thinks are adorable (his success rate is... not high. he doesn't have a great eye for fashion). makes simon sit and watch him dress you up, and simon just praises you endlessly in that neutral-sounding grumble that makes everything he says sound a little bit like a threat.

johnny would literally carry you around in a baby carrier if he could get away with it lol, that man would fucking love to be in charge of your every movement like this. not even in a controlling way, like simon, but just in a he-is-sickeningly-obsessed-with-you way, yk?

#asks and answers #bo writes #🌚 anon #dlmliyh

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rubra-wav · 3 months

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Entry #7 : Vox and Blackouts, Connection, etc.

A/N / Disclaimer : Fanfic is fanfic, and people are allowed to make things as OOC or just in their own image as possible, so I'm not shitting on that at all. Everyone has the right to make whatever tf they want and explore concepts and stuff.

This is just me vomiting ideas that have been plaguing me for a while.

If I'm proven wrong by the show, then I'll eat my hat and apologise for this one, but for now I'm trying to think about this stuff like - as logically in the frame of what's canon as possible.

It's funny to say that when this is the topic but yeah haha 💀

Ah yes, theorising about the goddamn TV Man again.

Cw: SFW to NSFW/18+ (below cut)

- So, let's establish some things before I begin to truly dig into this haha.

- Vox is not wireless, and thus does not get effected by things that are not directly connected to him. This is seen with him directly plugging into his set-up before being able to control all the TV's and devices connected to the main-frame.

- This would most likely mean that when the whole system goes down, he isn't affected by it and vice versa if he's not directly plugged into it. So yeah- if he blue screens or glitches out like he does just casually while not plugged in, then the whole city most likely would not blackout.

- An anon asked me about whether he would just go offline if the WiFi was down or if he would be just fine and yeah - he'd be just fine if he wasn't plugged in. If he was, however, then he'd most likely lose reception. He'd probably blackout/shut down.

- For an example: if he's plugged in and it's storming outside and lightning hits the main tower, then he'd probably be pretty injured because his system would be fine. But if he wasn't plugged in he'd be absolutely fine.

- I also could see his face dropping to low resolution and voice doing the blocky-glitchy thing audio over calls does if he's plugged into the system and the reception goes to absolute shit.

- Think 180p quality display and audio Vox lmao.

(Here's the other post as well)

- Having said all that, I also don't think that there wouldn't be any effect at all on surrounding technology if he starts glitching out.

- If he's near things like phones, laptops, lights, etc. Etc. He'd likely effect them, but on a way smaller scale then what most people seem to write about.

I'm gonna start going into directly NSFW below the cut

- So yeah, if you're just casually fucking Vox really hard and he starts glitching or goes to the point of bluescreening while coming, the whole of Pentagram city isn't going to experience a blackout because he's not plugged into the system.

- However

- He would most likely start effecting the direct surrounding technology.

- Think lights blinking on and off or getting brighter and then dimmer to the pace you're screwing him at. Think surrounding devices turning on and off.

- Think light bulbs and phones and clocks in the room - anything electrical or running on batteries - exploding into shattered bulbs, being destroyed, getting fried, etc. When he comes.

- Bro basically starts doing what ghosts/poltergeists start doing to mess with people lmao.

- The trope of him causing whole city-wide blackouts when hes fucked so hard is funny as hell in theory, but going off of canon that wouldn't happen that way.

- And maybe you're saying 'okay - but what if Vox is plugged into the system' That would also not happen.

- Yes, if you did screw him into bluescreening while he's hooked up to everything then yes it would most likely happen.

- but, it goes against literally everything we know about Vox to have that ever happen.

- He is all about appearances and looking perfect 365 days 24/7 to the public.

- I keep seeing these fics where that happens and he's all embarrassed and cute about it, but if that ever happened with what we know about canon Vox he'd be mortified and fucking pissed as all hell around it.

- I feel like if you're in a relationship with Vox, the first thing he'd make abundantly clear is how important his image is to him.

- So if reader was riling him up in his office while he's around all the machines and stuff or actually directly plugged in - he wouldn't be going 'no, stop it' as a kind of bratty thing, he'd be seriously telling you to stop.

- Like, to push him to causing a city-wide blackout by having sex would absolutely in my mind based on all we know about Vox; be violating his boundaries to one of the highest degrees there are.

- His public image is everything, and you would be let know that from day one. Hell, dude would probably jeaprodise/push your relationship to the side if it fucked up his image. Thats how important it is to him. The boundaries around doing something to fuck his image up would be set in stone from the second you enter his life.

- So doing that and causing that to happen wouldn't really be?? Like the cute fanfiction trope it is, he'd be rightfully angry as fuck that that's happened because it's what not to do 101 to not screw up his image.

- The 'blackout' you'd be able to cause and not have him absolutely hating you afterwards would be with your house, hotel room or wherever you're doing the do.

I'm way too passionate about this, i know, but like I see it so frequently, and it just makes like absolutely no sense to me at all, haha. I liked it the first time i saw it but after actually thinking about it I just find myself raising my brows and cringing each time I see it in fanfics because it just feels inaccurate asf 😭

#hazbin hotel #vox headcanons #vox x reader #vox #vox smut #again #im passionate here about this but im not bashing the trope #people can make what they want and im not gonna tell them not to do so!#these are my thoughts and opinions upon this though because i love him too damn much 😭#and when i see certain things that are reverberating in the fanfic section of the community i go a little hmm #just food for thought

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its-your-mind · 11 months

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okay. I’ve slept and I’ve stared at the ceiling and I think I’m finally ready to put all of this into words. I’ve been building up this post in my head… basically since the moment we learned about Ashton’s chronic pain, and I think this episode finally helps me synthesize all of it. Taliesin was on FIRE this episode. (also this got way longer than I thought, so it’s going behind a read more. I just have so many FUCKING emotions about this punk rock.)

I know I’ve mentioned this a few times before, but I, like Ashton, have full-body constant chronic pain. Sometimes it gets worse with extended physical activity, sometimes it just gets worse out of nowhere. Some days are good, which means the parts of me that hurt aren’t getting in the way of me doing things too much, but there are never, ever days without pain.

I think Ashton fucking nailed it here:

And here’s the thing about background noise. Most of the time, you don’t even notice it’s there. Your brain filters it out, takes it and files it away as something that doesn’t need any conscious focus. But sometimes, something that is normally background noise can become completely overwhelming - think a ticking clock that you don’t usually notice, but when you’re waiting for something, it becomes all that you can hear, and your brain can't pull its attention away.

And, at least for me, chronic pain can sometimes become like an endlessly ticking clock in my perception. Obviously, my body is in pain, which is not fun in and of itself, but on the bad body days, my mental functions become severely limited as well. My memory is shot, my thoughts come slowly, and it’s so much easier for bright lights and loud noises to cause my brain to bluescreen for a few seconds.

There’s just too much sensory input for the brain to process.

And on those days, it can just be easier to shut down. Lay down in bed and not move or think, because moving and thinking is just too hard. And when resting isn't an option, there’s a pretty significant percentage of my brain that’s just focused on trying to filter out that background noise of pain, and it becomes so difficult to function as normal. One clock might not take up too too much brain power, but imagine if there were five. Ten. A few dozen.

I’ll get back to Ashton in a minute, I promise.

The brain might be able to turn those ticking clocks into background noise, but it’s harder to do that the louder they are. Your thoughts get sidetracked because it’s almost impossible to focus on anything but those clocks, and even when you’re able to ignore them for a bit, it doesn’t take much for you to be reminded that they’re still there, and your mind turns back to that ticking, ticking, ticking…

When you’re in pain, you learn to stay tense and alert. You economize your words and movements, because you only have so many before your body makes it too hard to function. You have to build up necessary boundaries for yourself, because without them, you’ll become a shell of a person, disconnected from a body that's just... not fun to be inside of.

And it’s so easy to let those boundaries become a permanent, defensive wall, built to keep the world at bay, because the world is where the pain comes from.

Ashton’s chronic pain might not have started until their fall from the balcony, but he’s never lived a life without emotional pain.

And so you have this person who has lived through so many awful things who should be dead several times over, who now lives with this constant, insistent, physically painful reminder that the world is cruel and harsh, and even your family can’t be trusted to keep you from getting more hurt.

So yeah. He’s fucking pissed off at the whole world. He’s lived through some fucking bullshit, so can you fucking blame him for building up walls around himself? How the fuck is he expected to survive in this world without defenses?

So he builds those necessary defenses that anyone with chronic pain has to get good at building, something to deafen the feeling of constant pain, and he makes them into a permanent fixture of his personality. They turn these necessary internal defenses into a hostile fortification, into anger, into rage, into a weapon that can hurt the world just as much as the world has hurt them.

And then, the Hells.

All of a sudden, they have a new family.

And the thing is. The thing! Is!! Ashton has always always been someone who cares so much, someone who loves their family recklessly and totally, even after the Nobodies abandoned them to die on the ground beneath Hexum's house. They’re protective, they take people in, they stand up for the people who can’t stand up for themselves. But it’s always been from behind the safety of that wall.

And the walls have started to come down.

The world might be cruel and painful and fucking shitty, but dammit, there are still things in it worth saving.

Letting people see your vulnerabilities might lead to more pain, but isn’t it just… so liberating? To not have to put so much energy into keeping those walls up?

These people. His new family. They’ve opened up to each other. They’ve all shared some of their darkest secrets, they’ve trusted each other with their lives, they’ve gone above and beyond, over and over again, to make sure that not one of their people is left behind, not ever. No matter what.

So now, for maybe the first time in his life, Ashton has something solid to stand on that he didn’t have to build for himself. He doesn’t have to maintain his walls with these people, because his family knows how to tread carefully, and they all do their best not to do anything that might inadvertently cause each other more pain.

Because here’s the thing about chronic pain. To a certain point, you just have to accept that shit is going to fucking hurt, and you’re gonna do it anyway. Instead of living in daily, constant fear of making the pain worse, you evaluate the things that you want to do with your time, and decide whether or not they’re worth the pain that they’ll cause.

Ashton started throwing himself at physical danger almost as soon as he was off Milo’s workbench. He’s no stranger to choosing things that will increase the pain in his body.

But the pain in their mind? Fuck that. We’re not going to look too closely at what the fuck is in there, because that is a fucking bridge too far.

Let their brain process the pain, and keep the rest of their shit on lock.

But now… they’ve let their family in, past those walls. They quite literally let Imogen and FCG go into their mind, multiple times, to find the things that they’ve buried deep, deep inside because they don’t want to look too closely at them. They didn’t have room in their own brain to process that pain.

But now… they’ve learned about where they came from. They know where their roots are. But more importantly, they know who their foundation is. They know that it’s safe to let these people in past those walls, because the Hells are people he can trust with all of himself, not just the solid and dangerous exterior.

And so now that they know that, it’s freed up so much more room in their mind to focus on actual, tangible goals!

He’s able to take time and space for his family, just as they’ve all taken time and space for him.

Now that the Hells have become his firm ground, he’s able to become theirs.

He knows how to be a wall, a tank, a shield. He knows how to deal with physical pain.

But now, they’re learning how to be a rock, a safe place, a firm foundation. That’s harder. That’s more complicated. That involves vulnerability, and the ability to sit and talk and process and think. That’s not something they’re always able to do, but they know now that they can do it. He’s learned how from the rest of his family, from seeing the ways that they all support him.

The world still fucking sucks. The gods have never seemed to give a single fuck about Ashton Greymoore, and he’s spent his whole life being thrown away and cast aside by the people who were supposed to take care of him. His body is wracked with the constant reminder of betrayal and abandonment. But now, they have something new to fight for. They don’t have to fight to save the gods. They don’t need to aspire to anything that lofty. But their family is here, dammit, and they’re not going to fucking lose them and so…

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