#there's a limit to how delusional i allow myself to be

[viridian-coffer]

on one hand, the month i lost due to my PS4 acting up led to me losing out on hundreds of primos (not to mention the waste of a perfectly good welkin), which is worrying for me since Venti is supposedly getting a re-run in 4.1 according to leaks/rumors.

on the other, i'm currently sitting on exactly 69 wishes so not everything is awful-

#who tf am i kidding i'm stressed about it #well as stressed as i can get over a gacha #but stressed nonetheless #i already have the concept/art/whatever the fuck book to use as a catalyst but if my past summoning circle experiences taught me anything- #-it's that i need to offer a drink of their choice #when i pulled Dantes i bribed him with a hot cup of coffee and my copy of The Count of Monte Cristo #so now i'm like 87% convinced to get my hands on a bottle of dandelion wine #but there's no liquor store near me where i can buy one in person and i'm not driving halfway across my state to get it #i'll do a lot of things for love. but i'm not doing that #there's a limit to how delusional i allow myself to be #if anybody sees this and has successfully pulled a genshin character (mainly Venti) with a summoning circle let me know what you used #i love seeing other people's circles and rituals they're incredibly fun to witness #genshin impact

[lotusmi]

my success, my failures

honest post about my current life and thoughts on void 💌

Hi angels, this my most personal post and I don't know why, i felt like posting this. This is going to be an honest long post about my loa journey, void journey and whatever how my life went after I realized I was in control.

At first point I would like to recall: I am not a void state blog, I am not a void "master" (I am not assuming this, In 4d I sure AM!). My blog is more about LOA, the Neville Goddard Law, the Edward Art Law. The simple, beautiful Law that I felt in love with. I like the void state method, I have entered it a few times, I'll be talking on this in a while, first I'll tell my story until here on how I left the worst circumstances...

As I was someone like most of people are, I thought I was not the operant power. I have known the law of attraction for 7 years, and I belived I had to "beg" the "universe" to give me things, I would write letters to the "universe" asking for my desires, then I would try to have "good energy", write down million of affirmations in future tense and then wait in hope to be "deserving" of them.

As time passed by, I yes, had manifested some things with this law of attraction thing, but I never changed my state, my mindset, I did not even knew what was those stuff, I would still let myself imagine bad things happening to me, I felt unwanted, ugly, unlucky, with no freedom. I had also lots of limiting beliefs, had to drink water to subs work, listen to then million times, be deserving, be positive, afirm without saying "no/never" etc.

Things were getting worse, I felt always more unwanted, different, unlucky, inferior, all of that. My life was getting shitty, I would imagine me having fights with my parents, me crying, I would see myself as an victim of the world, and I stopped even trying to have optimism and using law of attraction, i literally gave up. At this point I had lost my faith, so I lived all my days complaining and begging God, universe, deities to "save me". In this phase I suffered like never, I was super depressed, my home was toxic and i mean TOXIC. I was anxious, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to break free.

So at this point I was in the worst months of my life, I was not allowed to even have friends or use internet for more than 7 months straight. The things they did to me... I am even embarassed to tell about those things. I had to decide on persist or give up. So I said to myself I would do my better to ignore my outer-world and stop letting those things affect me, it was not easy. I would hurt myself and have a lot of anxiety crisis, but I found my peace within, I started living in imagination and seeing in my imagination what I most wanted to have, be. I was being delusional, I did not even knew about all of this LOA thing. I just wanted to escape of my reality.

In less than 2 months everything changed. I was more happier, and I was now allowed to do my things again, talk to friends, have my computer and all of this. I did not knew It was me, I thought it was a miracle.

Life went by, I fell in love, my selfconcept was shit, he dumped me. Still, at that time I did not knew about the law. I did not knew he did that because I assumed. I would imagine that he did not loved me, I would imagine him saying "it is over" at the point I would cry imagining, I felt that real, so I manifested. I was the cause. I did not knew.

After all of this I wanted to love myself and take care of me, I started learning about spiritualy, I learned that I am part of God. That I am God experiencing being human. I walked in love, started healing my trauma, I got a lot of it. In a meditation trying to communicate to my "higher self" I entered the void, blue gray, peaceful, beautiful... So still... I there naturally affirmed "I am calm, happy, love, ethereal". After this day everythin changed and I had no more reasons to be sad, I was healed.

But I was still in love with my ex and I only discovered the law because of it, I searched on how to manifest an ex, yea. It did not worked since of I let old story, circumstances, "false free will" let me down. But I discovered the neville subreddit, then the loatumblr, then the void, WHAT WAS, the void. And got to know I had entered it once, I wanted to do it again. I entered more of 3 times maybe until now, and also got some I AM state experiences. (They not the same to me since i feel emptiness from void and wholenesses from I AM + I AM state is golden and I see myself in other people bodies).

I learned about void with Halokisses, but at that point I thought it was some magical place, months passed by, my void concept got better but I still let circumstances bother me. I was not also doing my best to enter it to be honest. I was manifesting my life to be great even while manifesting entering in the void.

♡ What happened by this last months is that I just realized I love my life now, I love myself, my body, my friends, I have time to me, I have enough money to buy my things, I am free to do a lot of things. I never am bothered by circumstances + senses since I am in control of my states. and this made me feel like I don't even need the void altrough I still am going to enter it again, my void concept is beyond perfect right now that I fully know WHO I AM. At this point I am just so saturated about void that I relaxed about WHEN entering again because I am full convicted that I can do this and that I don't "NEED" it.

What I am trying to say is, circumstances does not matter, and you all don't need the void! You all need yourselves. I also want you to know that I AM not a "void master blog" all of that. I am someone who won the circumstances and manifested things, I am someone in love with Neville that want to help people, I am someone that did some subs for helping other people.

I know how it feels to be in a toxic home, feel ugly, be unwanted, have no friends, no money, be depressed, be anxious. I only told you the last 3 years of my life. I know how the void seems to be the only "way" and all of that. I know how it is like to just have someone to say "I am entering it for you" or wonder "When is my time?", I know how is like to think "you are the only exception" I know the void for about 8 months and I did not gave up. I manifested lots of things even while manifesting entering it. ♡ ALL I did was to change the story I was telling myself, the assumptions I held about me. I understood that 3d reflects 4d and so no matter what, everything is possible.

So please, stop begging me to "enter the void" for you or say "I can't do x so do for me". I am doing ALL I NOW can do to help you, I do posts, I reply asks, I make audios, I assume you all can do it. As soon as I enter the void I am of course affirming for you there. But until now I NEED, no, YOU need to save yourself, because even WITHOUT me, you can do this. YOU ARE THE CREATOR.

You don't have to pass by all that I had passed to realize WHO YOU ARE.

♡ My success story is I myself, I saved me. I am not depressed anymore, I am calm, happy, I am free. I never thought I could love myself this way!

₊and as soon I enter the void again, I will post my success, do more challenges, and I am even thinking of entering for it for you.

I hope this had inspired you and cleared things about me and my blog, I hope we all can help ourselves,

with love, Lotus - because I rised from mud. 💌

#success story #about me #motivation #the void state #loa tumblr #loa blog #law of assumption #neville goddard #healing

[astroesther]

NEW MOON IN PISCES! LETS DANCE

Certainly! Here's the formatted version:

Envision Kittens!

When you start thinking about something repetitively and obsessively, don’t you start to see it everywhere? Sometimes I play little games with myself, like focusing on a color or word and seeing it in my mind's eye for about 20 seconds at intervals. Then I start to see that thing everywhere around me.

Let's try it with kittens. Imagine kittens in your mind's eye as you read this post, and pay attention to how many times throughout the day kittens appear in your life randomly.

This is how I see this New Moon in Pisces on the 10th; it has the energy of kittens for me. Use it to envision what you want to see in your life and do. But please, let's keep it simple. You want to see a purple elephant or go out with long-lost friends. Manifesting is having the thing already, but it's like a character that needs to be unlocked in the video game of your life. But it has already been here waiting for your awareness.

Play the game and let me know what simple, fun things you are manifesting with the new moon. MEOW.

Pisces: The new moon urges you to shed the winter drab and invest in new spring/summer attire. Embrace a new look, a haircut, or jewelry to shine and sparkle. Dress for the life you envision, not the one you're currently living.

Aries: This new moon ignites your life in a major way. Envision what you want clearly every day. Don't become realistic; be delusional and allow yourself to dream. Understand your manifestation power.

Taurus: The new moon provides space and clarity over a situation. Trust your intuition; it confirms that you're right. Don't doubt your intuition again.

Gemini: This new moon frees you from a mental prison. Walk out of self-imposed limitations and frustrations.

Cancer: The new moon opens your heart, urging you to expand, release judgments, and forgive.

Leo: Dive deeper within. The treasure you seek is within you. Listen to your intuition and address any mental or emotional blocks.

Virgo: Take time to refresh and rebuild after a purge. Spring clean and enjoy it. You may need to clean up after others, but it's enjoyable for you.

Libra: The new moon opens the door to your new home. Step through without hesitation. You have the tools to tackle the future.

Scorpio: The new moon may bring a sudden illness, forcing you to rest and recoup. Focus on work and rest for the next week.

Sagittarius: The new moon shakes up your home foundations. Consider moving or rearranging furniture. Travel plans may also be on the horizon.

Capricorn: This new moon shifts your mindset regarding work-life balance. Consider changes in industries or locations. Dream of alternative versions of yourself.

Aquarius: The new moon prompts you to plan and take clear action steps toward your future. Ground yourself in the present and capitalize on the energetic support of the awakening world.

#astrology #asteroid #asteroids #408 #fama #asteroid fama #astro community #astro posts #astrology community #astrology posts #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #first house #second house #third house #fourth house #fifth house #sixth house #seventh house #eight house

[steroidalmasculinity]

I have a friend who's around 215lbs of mostly muscle and has literally never touched steroids and eats like a mess. Meanwhile I'm hovering around 165lbs and monitor every macro to the T. Do you ever get a bit discouraged by your genetics? Like knowing that someone will always be bigger than you not because they're dedicated or they use but just because of luck and good combination of genes? And you'll never be able to surpass them

Hard work beats talent.

As tempting as it is to lament the hand mother nature has dealt you, I don’t think it’s particularly helpful. In fact, I think it’s a sure fire way to stunt your potential.

For years, I was intensely jealous of strong, virile, muscular men. They represented everything I wanted but could never have. Genetics can’t be changed and mine had made me into a skinny gay boy, the supposed opposite of everything I craved.

But, by accepting this as my fate, the message I unintentionally kept reinforcing was: Why even bother with this workout? Why even bother prepping this meal? Why even bother trying to grow?

My progress started to take off when I divorced myself from these self-imposed limitations and really started believing I could be big. Pushing as hard as I can in this last set does matter because it will make me big. Standing in the kitchen and prepping lunches for work does matter because it will make me big.

Seeing how I looked as a 140 lb 18 year old, I think it’s clear I’m not a naturally gifted bodybuilder. I just want it. More than anything. I’m now 208 lbs and truly believe that hard work will allow me to get significantly bigger.

Now, I am not delusional. I had to accept I will never set foot on an Olympia stage. In the ultra-rarefied world of pro bodybuilding, everything counts, including a genetic adaption that may give you a 0.01% advantage over the average male.

Taking the very specific example of your friend and his genetics, he may well have a Mr Olympia lurking inside him. But there could also be other variables driving his growth:

In what way is his diet a mess? If he lives off cheap, nasty, fast food instead of home cooked ‘real’ food, he may very well be storing up health issues for the future. But as of right now? If his body is receiving enough calories and protein (coupled with lifting), it will still grow more than a perfectly balanced diet with insufficient calories.

How hard does he train? If he goes into the gym, attacks each workout and gives it his all, that will give greater results than following a more measured, reserved approach.

Last but not least, sometimes guys just have to lie about their steroid use. He wouldn’t be the first to be using gear and lying to those around him for fear of repercussions.

Remember: we don’t put our bodies through torture or dedicate so much of our lives to this because it’s easy. Rather than be discouraged by the IFBB pro who will forever be bigger than me, I admire the fuck out of him and I use his achievements to help fuel my own.

#me #bodybuilding #roided muscle #fuck natural #steroidal masculinity

[jennycalendar]

i’m a black girl and i adore martha, and i think the tenth doctor did NOT deserved her whatsoever. i feel uncomfortable with the idea of martha being paired with the guy who put her through so much horrible situations and was even racist. bc i mean, yeah, the characters aren’t real and rtd is racist & the real responsible for his characters actions but no other character in his era behaved as nasty as ten towards black people. he brushed off martha’s concerns about her race and invited a racist to the tardis so they could have a romance together while martha was there, and he comparing her to rose as if she’s second best, to the point martha admits he can’t see her for who she is, he’s just remembering someone else—someone who he wished was there instead of her—rose. and the way he dismisses her pain in the last of time lords and cries miserably for the man who imprisoned and slaved her family for an entire year. i know the master is his best friend and they have this toxic and complex relationship, but i can’t see him acting the same way regarding the tylers or the nobles, he’d be so pissed off with the master and would prioritize rose’s and donna’s feelings. he’d be like twelve with clara and missy. i think ten’s writing is very racist because, well… he is. sorry. but he is. twelve literally punched a racist to defend bill, ten’s chosen a racist over martha… the fact that she literally left because of the shitty, unfair way she was treated... and as someone who has been in martha’s shoes too many times, i feel really negative and repulsive about this tardis duo, especially with the romantic view on them.

sorry i had to vent off as i’ve seen too many people who’s against this pair having their reasons unfairly invalidated. when most of us are martha stans who believe she deserves all the good things–which tbh is the total opposite of giving her a romance with… ten, out of all incarnations. i have been noticing the martha fans who have a romanticized view on their relationship love to act like everyone who’s against it have racist reasons for it, like. no. just no. we’re not delusional and that’s it

hi! i just got off work, but i've been thinking about this for a minute. my response will be long, as i feel this deserves.

i first wanna preface this by saying that not wanting the doctor to be with martha is more than understandable given how horribly he treated her in canon. i myself struggled through all of her season, and i'm still not 100 percent sure whether i'll be able to watch certain episodes again. absolutely, the way ten treats martha is horrendous, and i would argue that all of his actions towards her in canon are informed by the racism woven so deeply into rtd's era. but the thing is, i feel that saying that the tenth doctor is racist is not going hard enough.

to say that ten is racist means overlooking the fact that ten as a character is supposed to function as someone who pays attention to the intricacies of marginalized communities. this was the authorial intent. the fact that the authorial intent involved ten being consistently racist towards martha means that the bias that must be examined should not be centered around the doctor himself, but with the writers. the writers authentically believed that the tenth doctor was not being racist when he allowed martha to be objectified by shakespeare, harassed by the woman he would later profess the potential of love to & express a desire to travel with, regularly reacts with visceral disgust/discomfort when she flirts with him (that one is the one that's the worst to me!!!) and i feel like saying "ten is racist" limits the scope of how monumentally awful it is that the writers wrote all of those things and still believed that they were writing a hero.

the doctor is always intended to be viewed as someone who has the best interests of humanity at heart. the doctor has also always been written as someone who fights for the rights of people that have been marginalized and oppressed, who makes tearful and impassioned speeches for the humanity of people who are seen as subhuman. the tenth doctor especially is portrayed as someone with boundless compassion who can see the good in everyone and always wants to find a way to forgive and love. this is the inarguable authorial intention re: the tenth doctor. this is why, to me, saying that he is racist erases how fucking horrifying it is that he is written as Not A Racist Person, Ever, while spending an entire season being viscerally, brutally, repeatedly racist to martha.

to sorta demonstrate my point: i think harry potter is a much better example of in-text bigotry from a fictional character that goes hand in hand with the writer's bigotry. ron responds to hermione's crusade for the rights of the house elves with "but they like being enslaved, hermione," and the narrative demonstrates that ron is right. which, sure, fucked up of jkr for perpetuating this message about forced servitude, no question, BUT ALSO ron as a character was raised within a system that repeatedly enforced this idea of the house-elves liking their servitude, was given no reason to question this message, and is not the kind of person to question it anyway. this is so, so, so different from the doctor, who has always been the kind of person to question shitty behavior, to fight for what's right, and to seek for and admire people exactly like martha.

and now to loop back to my own thoughts on ten and martha! i feel that my little two-sentence posts on "martha and the doctor could be cute" definitely did not delve into what motivated my statement. i wanna stress one more time that, if you have watched canon and cannot ever see martha and the doctor together because of how awfully he treated her, that is 100 percent valid and reasonable and i would never dream of correcting you. my anger towards the people who dismiss tenmartha as a concept has always been directed towards the people who are saying that ten could never love martha like he loved rose. i am very sorry that you saw my posts and felt otherwise.

i do not romanticize ten and martha's relationship as it exists in canon. as with my points re: ten, this is a situation where i am responding to a glaring gap in the writing. if the tenth doctor really was consistently written, written as we are intended to see him -- as a person who is loving, kind, always looking out for the people he chooses -- i honestly can't see a timeline where he wouldn't have some sort of romantic feelings towards martha. i feel that a season three written effectively could still carry forward ten's complicated feelings for rose while also honoring the joy and wonder of martha -- specifically, by having ten avoid romance with martha not because she's Not Rose, but because he doesn't want her to be a rebound, and he's worried that admitting he's enamored with martha would mean stringing her along (which, of course, in this situation, he would still be doing). i think a compelling story could be written about martha responding to his awkward and halfhearted attempts to rebuff her while never really letting go of her hand. the narrative would shift so much more clearly away from the clearly racist message of "the doctor obviously could never love martha like that" and so much more towards "the doctor is in love with martha and deeply emotionally damaged, and she deserves better."

but, again, this is the way i choose to engage with the text! and i wanna be really clear that this comes from a place of wanting to articulate exactly how ridiculous it is that the doctor would not love martha, when everything we learn about him as a character in every other season suggests that he would and should love her. if you see this discrepancy and feel antipathy towards the character for it, that is absolutely your prerogative and i would never ever take that away from you. it is fucked up writing and we are all dealing with it however we choose to. if you wanna watch s3 and hate ten forever, i truly think you have every right to do it. this is how i personally choose to express my own anger, and i hope it makes a little more sense laid out like this.

#asks #meta #i have a lot of feelings about this because i personally just. just cannot fucking believe #that there are people who watch s3 and feel even remotely ok about rtd's era afterwards #i like flipping the writing off by saying ten could love martha #i like the idea of him coming to the notion of loving her just as she's leaving him (because he fucking sucks at treating her right) #but i also so deeply long for the timeline where the show actually acknowledged how absurdly compatible that they are #instead of relying upon shitty racist writing to assert that he'd never see her like that. #anyway!!! i hope this helps clarify my feels #i agree with anon i just think it's worse than that.

[sophieinwonderland]

As a psychotic person with (harmful) delusions and hallucinations, I'd like to chip in and say the way people are responding to your switching + imposition guides with "but they're delusions and hallucinations, obviously these are bad" really rubs me the wrong way. Because it feels like they're trying to support people like me, but they speak about delusions/hallucinations in a way that doesn't really make me feel safe around them. Like, they feel like the kind of people to try and reality check me or tell me to "get help" instead of just letting me exist as a psychotic person, y'know? Shuffle me off to the side because anything related to what I experience (including I, myself) must be hidden away until it doesn't exist "like that" anymore. They're making such a huge deal out of this that it makes me wonder how they'd react if a psychotic person like I confessed to them about having delusions/hallucinations. Would they freak out? The way they talk about these things makes me feel like they'd freak out. And then try to tell me they "know what's best" for me and force onto me their own ideas about how I should manage my psychosis. It's something in how they talk about delusions without actually talking about or with delusional people. Arguing over what we experience without listening to the people experiencing it. Inadvertently promoting the idea that delusions and hallucinations can't be managed and gotten to a healthy level that sometimes people just live with, no need to panic about it. Idk, it's hard to put into words

I very much agree.

These posts often come off as very dismissive and othering.

They cast certain conditions and experiences as these just... objectively terrible things all the time... and then dive straight into trying to police how people are allowed to relate to them.

And while the bulk of this latest discourse has been focused on the dissociation aspect, it's not been exclusively that, as the hallucination subject has been brought up too.

See this post for example:

(Fact check: I have no idea what they mean about me "encouraging dissociation" outside of the switching guide, and I've never said schizophrenia is healthy nor do I believe every person with Schizophrenia to be a system though I do think there is overlap and this is one way systems can form. There's a ton of nuance being intentionally and maliciously cut out but that I don't have the time to bother with.)

This feels a lot more like what you're talking about.

The quoted line about treatment for hallucinations being akin to conversion therapy is something attributed to Dr. Romme of the Hearing Voices Network.

The Hearing Voices Movement started in the 1980s in Europe when a patient confronted Romme about the limitations of the psychiatric care being provided. Why, the patient asked, was it OK for Romme to believe in a God whom he could not see or hear but not OK for her, the patient, to believe in voices that she really did hear? To learn more about the voice-hearing experience and to try to help his patient, Romme had the woman’s story told on TV and asked for other voice hearers to contact him. Approximately 550 reached out. Remarkably, many of the people who heard voices did not need clinical help. Writing in the Journal of Mental Health in 2011 after conducting a literature review, Vanessa Beavan, John Read and Claire Cartwright asserted that it was safe to say that 1 in 10 people in the general population will hear voices. Romme eventually compared psychiatric treatment to eliminate voice hearing to conversion therapy for sexual orientation.

What I love about this story is how it shows a psychiatrist who was actually willing to listen to and learn from their patients instead of simply assuming they know what's best.

Psychiatry has a long history of starting with assuming something is just inherently bad and needs to be gotten rid of from the start and building treatment models around that. In this case, Romme was willing to re-evaluate generations of tradition and develop new treatment methods for the needs of the actual patients instead of trying to force people to fit into society's idea of normalcy.

And I think that's what we need more of in the world. To focus on people's own needs and their health first instead of trying to "fix" undesirable traits.

#syscourse #pro endo #pro endogenic #hallucinations #psychiatry #voice hearing #hearing voices #hallucination #multiplicity #sysblr

[goldenspecter]

Hey everyone, this is serious talk time. 

I don’t write call-out posts, I’ve helped and added on to my fair share of them, but never have I expected to write one of my own. But here we are, in this day and age and I’m writing a callout post. Let me make clear and upfront as to why I’m writing this callout post:

My partner @dakotafinely has been bullied, harassed, and stalked by one single person, @b-tchidowhatiwant and his other previous accounts, for over a year. It has finally reached its breaking point. 

Allow me to lay out the evidence, lay the groundwork, and pave the way so you all can understand why this guy is dangerous and should not be in this fandom. Please reblog so people can know how dangerous he is.

This started in March 2021 with this ask. This ask is dated March 28, 2021. This response my partner has given him has established several things: 

This is repeated behavior. 

There is a pattern that this guy did: follower appreciation->hate ask->deletion(ignoring of ask initially)

This has been an ongoing behavior. 

Then there was this ask, a day later on March 29th:

This ask, dated March 29th, 2021, also establishes a repeated behavior we’ll be seeing crop up time and time again: Misogyny. 

Despite submitted asks there are many that were deleted or that were not posted. The following consists of a few amount of these unposted asks made by the same person. The dates of these unposted messages are November 24th, 2021, and March 3rd, 2022.

This user has also continued their harassment outside of anon hate and messages through posts on their various Tumblr accounts that have proven to be connected to the same individual. All of these had been reported and blocked repeatedly by both me and @fluidfox123. Below is a list of links where this user has been called out on for their meanspirited behavior by both myself and other people who happened across it(do note that I won't be able to put all of the links, only 10 of them thanks to Tumblr's limit, but I've selected the utmost important ones to be hyperlinked and screenshots from some of these links have been used later on down in this post):

*These qoutes that are hyperlinked are all things that he has ACTUALLY said about Dakota

"You know nobodies gonna give a shit about your story if you never write it right?"

"you're cheating on your apparent "boyfriend" now?"

"I am not obessed with Dakota. I do read other stories. Which is why she pisses me off."

"getting her riled up is fun."

"I JUST said it’s fun, plus she deserves it."

"She’s a toxic, manipulative, delusional writer. Who doesn’t deserve an audience."

"Just admit you don't love her she's impossible to love."

They confirmed that these three separate accounts (un-important-fool, chaosab0veitall, and b-tchidowhatiwant) were and are created by the same individual:

While using the Tumblr platform directly against Dakota, he has also used those close to Dakota to try and turn them against them by being "polite" and "supportive" towards them. This has mainly been aimed at Fluidfox. Ask Dates are November 25th, 2021. 

He has also turned his ‘support’ toward me. Let it be known here and know that I do not ever support this kind of behavior or display of support of my content when it actively involves bringing down another person simply because you don’t like their content. 

However, despite this blatant guilt tripping mainly towards Fox, he does so to others who call him out on his actions with the same tactics or anger and unpleasant comments. 

*Please note that there are more, but because of Tumblr's 30 image per post limit, I can not put up more than what I have now and I will gladly share these images if people ask for them. There will also be in here that will be added as well so everyone can see where they came from.

Nevertheless, despite his actions toward Fox and those who call him out, most of his aggression and negative behavior is aimed directly at me for defending Dakota and dating them. Screenshot dates are November 24th, 2021, and December 1st, 2021 as well as a few screenshots from a link below.

However, recently he's changed tactics completely by escalating to blackmailing and threats. He’s made threats to ‘out’ my partner as a current tcester, even though she is not if she would ‘comply’ with his demands to ‘never post TMNT content’ and to back out of the fandom, as seen in these screenshots: 

Even after she agreed to do that, he still decided to make the post anyway. I’m not directly linking it at all as to not give him attention, here it is. Let’s talk about it. 

There are many things that are wrong with this post, let’s count them out. 

This is not fucking true. Not at all. I know my partner better than he does, and I know that she's not a tcester, the absolute audacity to dig up shit from someone's past, something that they no longer are identify with and have made it clear they have indeed grown as a person is fucking appalling and despicable. He is intent on isolating her within this fandom by trying to use stuff from her childhood against her.

These shots are clearly edited to hell and back. None of these things match each other, the fonts aren't the right size, and god knows what else. I have the originals that she shared with me and can prove that he is lying about it. Here are the screenshots: 

3. This bastard has the audacity to act as if he doing the right thing, that he’s being self-righteous as if he’s doing the right thing by this fandom by wrongly slandering another person’s reputation and then having the audacity to ping my main account(@polyrhyme is my main Tumblr blog, this blog, @goldenspecterr is where I’m most active) and act so smug about it. These are the signs of someone who is clearly obsessed, a stalker with no good damn intentions, especially with tags such as these:

This dangerous behavior has been expanded upon by Fluidfox in this post. The most important highlights in the post are calling out this user's need to warn the TMNT fandom without support from other TMNT users, their stalker behavior, and harassment towards others.

In summary, @b-itchidowhatiwant is a dangerous individual who has spread nothing but hate in an act of a misguided attempt at 'helping save' the fandom from @dakotafinely.This user stalks manipulates and harasses those who get involved with their twisted need to tear down Dakota. It's advised to block this user, report their blog, and take their hate posts as ill will with improper sources. 

This user accused me of making the ‘threat’ to out them out as a stalker, and I decided to follow through with it. So I’ll say to y'all what I said to him: 

Fandom’s a privilege, as well as being a part of fandom spaces, those are privileges. If you do shit like this, you do not ever deserve to have those privileges at all. You act like this, stalk, harass, and bully people in fandom, you lose the privilege to be in fandom spaces, and that's final. 

I’ve been through hell and back in this damn fandom. I’ve fought bullies, tyrants, groomers, and god knows who else and fucking came out on the other side a goddamn winner, and I’ll do the same here. I will make sure that you never know peace for the rest of your time that you are on this damn platform if you @b-tchidowhatiwant continue to harass and stalk my partner, and knowing my history of who I’ve gone toe to fucking toe with, that’s not a goddamn threat, it’s a fucking promise. One I’m filling with glee. 

Batter up motherfucker, I’m fucking swinging, and I’m making a homeFUCKINGrun. 

#rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k12 #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2k18 #rottmnt raphael

[miscelunaaa]

em's favorite reads for 2022

Hello and welcome to the list I said I’d make like two weeks ago and used to procrastinate doing both edits to sacrificial and messaging a client back about plot stuff!! Because I have a job now and I’m still adjusting to the fact that I’m an adult even now after all these years!! 

It’s been a fucking YEAR. Even like for myself personally, like this year’s just been fucking nuts. And yet somehow I found the time to do an immense amount of reading. I keep track of books I read, and well, to make myself feel better about how few books I read this year (and last), I started keeping track of fics I read that were longer than 50k. After all, 50k is what NaNoWriMo calls a novel, so why can’t I? With that in mind, it looks like I read some 60 books this year, most of them booklength fics. Of course, the list I keep is not exhaustive, thought I like to think it’s still pretty thorough. This year saw me starting to peak into other fandoms and read within them on ao3, and it also saw me return to commercial romance in the form of the Bridgerton Novels. There were things that I started and took to long to decide I didn’t like, there were things that I started a few times and finally decided I loved, and then there were things that I finished and allowed to haunt me for days after, when I couldn’t find anything that could compare. 

The list below is a selection of my favorites. All of them are works that qualified for a spot my personal “completed reads” list, so that means that, whether they’re finished or not, they hit roughly 50k (or were close enough for me to say it counted).  There are only ten because I had to arbitrarily pick a number to limit myself to, otherwise I would be here just listing things for the rest of eternity. Also note that there’s a lot of mxm on the list! On this blog, we are friendly to member x member fics, and if you have a problem with that, you can see yourself out. There’s so little I won’t read that after a certain point, it seemed silly to rule out some tremendous and beautiful stories just because I was worried about people being earnest Twitter shippers. The same accusations of delusional thinking can be easily leveled at those who read and write member x reader fics. In the end, the intent with which something was rendered matters more.

Anyway, that is all to sat that when I love something, I really deeply love it, and I will attempt to scream at anyone who’ll listen to me to read it. Consider this me, screaming at you with love. Happy reading <3

Before we begin, it should go without saying that all of the fics on this list are mature in nature and that you should not interact with them if you are a minor. Which like also, if you're a minor, you should not be on my blog, period. Read more disclaimers here.

∞ Stars Lost in the Sea (ao3) by smiles | this might have been recommended to my by @vyduan?? I don’t recall but either way THANK YOU. 

yoongi x seokjin, 75k, complete. Read for kind-of period romance, time travel, so so much pining, being where you need to be at precisely the right time, the unexplainable weightiness of love lost and regained, characters that deserve each other in ways I can’t hardly fathom. 

∞ Restitution (ao3) by @cloudteawrites | recommended to me by @minttangerines!!

ot7 x reader, 48k, incomplete/in progress. Read for deliciously tense hybrid dynamics, unconventional takes on species assignments for characters, phenomenal and thoughtful world building, a fic worth reading even if it were to remain incomplete for the rest of time. 

∞ tell me about the seagulls sam (ao3) by ebenroot | recommended to my by my irl army friend kitkat!!

seokjin x jimin AND namjoon x jungkook, 149k, in progress. Read for wonderful depictions of mental health issues, riotously funny character interactions, platonic soulmates vmin, deliciously one-sided-ish enemies to lovers, characters you are guaranteed to want to put in your pockets. 

∞ A Breach of Protocol (ao3) by Anna (pineconepickers) and tragicamente

namjoon x seokjin, 81k, complete. Read for unrepentant beefcake joon content, earnest and wonderful portrayals of adults trying to figure shit out while still being in the public eye, THE BODYGUARD AU TO END ALL BODYGUARD AUS, flawless and authentic characterizations.

∞ trust in the weather (ao3) by melodiousb

namjoon x yoongi x jimin, 70k, complete. Read for the magic au that will haunt me for the rest of my miserable life, the historical au that will similarly haunt me for the rest of my life, a magic system that felt natural and not once overwrought, romantic tension brought on by being the third in an established relationship, learning to love because you want to and not because you must, finding one’s place in a new home. 

∞ Teardrop (tumblr) by @hesperantha | I had the immense pleasure of beta-reading most of this!!

yoongi x reader, 70k, complete. Read for a story that feels deeply of our time, unflinching and joyful queerness, roadtrips with people who feel like people, the feeling of being unable to describe what a person means to someone while knowing the feeling is both vast and simple all at once. 

∞ What the Stars Look Like Under You (ao3) by nicedress

namjoon x yoongi, 100k, in progress. Read for the only pornstar au I have ever read that doesn’t fetishize sex work, depiction of recovery from deep seated trauma, being deeply understood in ways one would never expect, returning to loves once lost, a flawless depiction of an unreliable narrator. This is the fic that has seen my tears for every single fucking chapter. I can’t make this shit up. I have actually cried for each chapter of this fic.

∞ Honey when you need it (ao3) by GraphiteFox

yoongi x reader, 82k, in progress. Read for a reader-insert filled with tremendous depth, a playboy Yoongi that feels authentic, side characters that enrich and delight, depiction of mental health issues that feels real and done with care, an author taking care of their characters in a way that feels palpable while also being refreshing. Like that’s hard to describe and talk about but when you know, you know. 

∞ Up We Go (ao3) by Oh_Hey_Tae | recommended to me by @wwilloww!!

yoongi x jimin x taehyung, 100k, complete. Read for magical throuples, stunning depictions of depression, a modern magic au that I will never stop thinking about, a fic that will feel for you when you yourself are so tired of feeling, stories about love that taught me more than I could have ever expected.

∞ but i want it anyway (ao3) by ameliabedelias

namjoon x jimin, 55k, complete. Read for a truly perfect Jimin depiction, awkward and lovable Namjoon, metaphors threaded throughout that truly add to the story while being built upon in all the right ways, moments between two people falling for each other that I just think about all the fucking time. 

Have something wonderful you read? Want to share what you loved throughout the year? Tag me! I want to know what you read this year and loved!!

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©miscelunaaa 2022. My work is only found on this blog and under my ao3 pseud. Do not, under any circumstances, copy or repost my work. Thank you.

posted: 12.14.2022

#em recs #em recs: ride or die fics #miscelunaaa

[bandofchimeras]

thinking about NPD acceptance/positivity tonight. i still feel uneasy with identifying too hard with personality disorders but here's a thought:

a road block to healing mental & emotional wounding is often inability to accept due to toxic shame, that goes to the core of a person. like a huge part of NPD and other personality disorders is believing "I am X" and "X is evil/wrong/inhuman" and the logical conclusion "I am inherently evil/wrong/inhuman." therefore overinvesting in crafting an image of the self that becomes bloated and obscures actual self awareness. maintaining this image is exhausting and often impossible. especially when it is linked to moral obsessions. nothing is more disconnecting with other human beings than having intense internal pressure to maintain a delusional image of the self as good/perfect.

some folks end up "solving" this issue by inverting it and being fully honest about their shame-based image instead. it's a kind of relief, but it doesn't actually allow you to connect with people. it's Bojack Horseman. he leads with how much of a POS he is, and guess what? self fulfilling prophecy.

he's a bit more tolerable than Mr. Peanutbutter in that show but still - both characters miss out on the full truth of their humanity. Or dog-manity? horsemanity?

The shadow side and the basic fundamentals goodness of being a Being on this Earth, in everyone. In fact life is simply complicated and good/bad a somewhat arbitrary, community defined distinction.

So what does that have to do with NPD?

Well, honesty is a good first policy. But the intense self focus of the disorder, is disabling, and can lead to hurtful actions due to lack of awareness or understanding. I don't see personality disorders as value neutral due to the fact they are disturbances in the balance of human relationship. It's not the pwNPD's fault, but the way they've learned to exist causes issues. It just does. I don't think it's positive although many narcissistic people have positive traits still. They simply tend to be incapable or struggle to do the simple relational repair work of apology, sincerity and investment in others well-being. These are skills that can be learned, as the core wound of toxic shame is also addressed. It is possible to crawl out of the prison of your own mind into the sunlight.

But it is really, really hard work. And that's where personality disorder acceptance or at least just "lots of people are fucked up and it's possible for them to still learn and grow" as a movement is important.

I believe personality disorders need the same destigmatization as, for example, meth and crack. Not because yay they're great! or because everyone will and Should recover or else be deemed Inhuman and Irrdeemable, but because everyone deserves to be seen in their full humanity, and have access to what it takes to recover, even if in the end they can't beat the habit.

Because narcissism is a deep, wormy habit. For most of us, a survival habit gone awry. And for some of us, autistic people especially, we might never be able to survive without focusing a lot on ourselves and getting called narcissistic for it.

A friend talked with me about my inability to show up for them recently. I kept coming back to my intent and they told me this was hurtful too because regardless I still impacted them. And the old habit of anger and denial and splitting came up to the surface. But under it I felt a inkling of empathy, like really being able to sit and imagine what their pain felt like. That inkling gets shoved down because it brings up pain with it - pain of toxic shame and guilt, of frustration that I feel at my absolute limit and can't live up to expectations, anger with myself, fear of those selfish parts of me that don't actually give a fuck.

It challenged me to be honest.

Addicts say you know you're in trouble when you realize you have stopped caring.

So with these personality coping traits, it is similar. I'm losing my battle when I stop caring about others. And I can't care about others without caring for myself enough to at least not be in empathy burnout.

I would really like to be a person who carries extensive knowledge of machinery or plants or languages or myths or even just my friends and community. To give myself over to that and feel how good it is to let go of self image and be in passionate mutual relationship with life. Instead of cramped anxious and stuck within myself like a tangled labyrinth. Or my only area of expertise being psychology I have learned to save myself.

However at this point in life habits are setting in. I know the old cracks and quirks of my traumagenic beliefs like "reaching out to people is a nuisance" or "if I do not pretend to be perfect some terrible thing will happen" or "being liked is more important than anything" they're very well worn. but I am not sure they can be beat until I am secure enough to let go a bit, and get into some deep therapy or creative work.

it's very annoying to be run on old programming and feel unable to do anything concrete about it yet.

So yes, personality disorder neutrality is helpful. Recovery is a life long process. It upset me a lot when I first read that in a forum somewhere. I wanted so badly to be fixed and have this horrible fear and shame in my soul removed. But it's a long dirty process that you have to learn to enjoy or at least feel deeply. just like addiction recovery. Stigma only cements people in their shame and keeps them isolated.

Those are my thoughts for now. And Yes, I've been reading Gabor Mate's In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts .

#also mych to be said about how many autistics get misdiagnosed #with NPD or other personality disorders #personality disorder #npd #npd culture is #bpd #psychology #gabor mate #addiction

[schizosupport]

Please help me! I keep seeing odd black fluttering at the corner of my eye (when they’re open, it’s NOT my eyelashes) and I’m used to seeing full blown hallucinations in front of me. It’s really freaking me out. This combined with the patternicity (I’m shape delusion anon) is driving me crazy. I’m really scared. REALLY. And I’m struggling to go my kitchen and get water to hydrate myself because I’m scared there may be something (an entity) in there. I know I’m crazy, but this is getting too much. How do I control the fear? I’m really scared. I’m so scared I want to scream and cry and feel like I’m going to suffocate any minute from the fear. What can I do !! Anything, any tips, any thing to make me feel better, please just say it!! I won’t take those meds ever, but I’ll do anything else you say. I just want to control the fear! I love you, bye!!

Hi anon!! Sorry I didn't get back to you yet, I'm copying in your previous ask as well, so as to respond to both!

Previous ask:

"Ok well i am psychotic for sure and I can’t stand patterns of any kind, especially ones of squares or triangles because i hallucinate those shapes half of the days i live and i get scared like it’s a sign of something bad or as if the world isn’t real (I hallucinate delusional stuff like that)…. Please tell me how to deal with that. Please say “you are delusional” or something…. I try to be logical but it’s hard. I just want someone to say i will be ok or something"

Ok so first off!! Take a deep breath!! No, really, I know this suggestion will sound ridiculous when compared with your amount of distress, but I cannot overstate the importance of taking deep breaths and sitting down and allowing the stress to be limited to the symptoms, rather than adding the fear of the symptoms on top as well.

The first step is the physical. To get enough air. Enough calories, enough liquid. Enough sleep, if possible.

There's this really fucking annoying thing about health stuff of any kind, where it exists on two scales. What is the level of distress inherent in the symptom? And what is the distress associated with/caused by the symtom on a meta level.

In that way, to someone who is not presently psychotic, or has a history of psychosis (or other relevant health concern, including health anxiety), seeing odd black fluttering at the corner of their eyes would not be as distressing. They would think "huh, what an odd visual effect. I should keep an eye on it, and if it doesn't go away I should probably get it checked out by a doctor".

But that would be the end of it, bc the symtom doesn't signify anything beyond itself. To you, it is distressing bc you associate it with psychosis, loss of control and confusion.

I think it's important to take a deep breath and try to take a step back, and remind yourself of what is dangerous vs. what is distressing.

So on a very objective level, anything that has the potential to bring you physical harm is dangerous. Struggling to eat and hydrate can be dangerous. Things that would encourage you to harm yourself is dangerous. Etc.

In that way what I'm getting at is that many psychotic symptoms fall into the category of distressing and mentally harmful, but not all of them lead to physical danger to your person. It doesn't mean that you don't/can't feel that you are in danger physically and respond accordingly. It doesn't mean that the experience is inherently less scary than if you were in physical danger.

But it IS important to try to remember that the hallucinations won't hurt you physically, and that the physically dangerous part of thinking there is an entity is not the entity itself, but if the belief keeps you from staying safe and healthy on other terms.

I know where you are at, I know it all too well, so please believe that I speak with the utmost compassion to your state of mind.

Yes, anon. You are experiencing hallucinations and delusions. And yes, you are going to be ok eventually. And no, I am not going to have an opinion on whether you should take meds, that is YOUR choice.

I myself have specific patterns that upset me and trigger me. In the past I would become obsessed with these patterns to the point that anything would remind me of them, I would see them in any other pattern, my mind would conjure them for me as intrusive images alone in the dark of my mind. I couldn't let the obsession go, and it became part of my belief system. My way of being.

The patterns still trigger me to this day, but I am no longer afraid of being triggered. I don't obsess about avoiding the patterns, or about what my reaction 'really implies'. It just is what it is.

Anxiety, in a psychological sense, is often not a constructive emotion to engage with head-on. The anxiety itself makes it seem like the matter must be dealt with promptly, but in actuality, it often serves us better to let it rage. To view it with compassion, but not give it more credit than what it is due.

Brains are like horses. They panic about weird shit at irregular intervals. And we want to treat it with compassion, and there are ways to help the matter, but it should not be treated as a reflection of an objective, rational truth (about the horse's psyche, or about the world).

My point is.. I suppose. Try to look at things individually. Try not to stress about whether you are psychotic or not, just try to evaluate your experiences on the level of "is this causing be to behave in a way that is dangerous", "is this causing me distress in and of itself" or "is this primarily causing distress on a meta level of 'this is not normal and indicates a pattern of something bad' ".

And most importantly, I am sending my compassion your way. And my hope, born out of knowledge and experience, that you will be ok.

That this too, shall pass. That you will learn, and you will grow, and the skittish horse part of your brain, like mine, will respond to the care that you treat it with.

If you have any way to access a good therapist who knows how to help people with psychosis, therapy can absolutely help, it's a myth that psychosis only responds to medication. In terms of treatment, you should always feel safe, and you should have your agency respected. And this includes that no one can or should force you to work with any kind of mh precessional until you would be ready and want it for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck anon!!! I believe that you are safe, and I hope that you too, will one day soon feel safe.

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm constantly complaining in great detail about what a dumb piece of shit I am because I'm convinced that if I just say it well and often enough, then a) I will stop being so unpleasantly surprised by myself all the time, and b) people will FINALLY STOP telling me that I don't have any real problems because I'm obviously just delusional from low self-esteem, and instead they will actually allow me to be the expert on my own life. The craziest iteration of that latter experience is when my problem is actually happening live in front of someone because they refused to accept it when I directly asked for help because I didn't know something or know how to do something. Every time I pass by the herb shop in my neighborhood, a place I enjoy, I have to think of this time that I told the clerk explicitly that I'm not good at measurements and I don't really know what they look like, so I wanted her help figuring out the right amount of something to buy--and she just refused to play along. She was like "You can have anything you want! The customer is always right! Just say it, the world is your oyster! Etc", so finally I just said some random amount that I won't name because the clerk's reaction embarrassed me so bad I'll never say it again. Then when I got engaged and we were buying wedding bands and I needed to know what to do, the salesperson very insistently said I should wear my rings however I wanted, and then immediately told me I had them on the wrong hand in the wrong order. And then when I was getting my outfit together, I had these white patent leather Pumas I was excited about, and the person who was supposedly helping dress me gave me the old "You do you!" before telling me in this disappointed tone that I had laced my shoelaces inside out--which I didn't even know was a concept (and I'm still not sure I believe in it). Anyway the moral of the story is, just believe people when they say they need help or have some limitation. Not everybody is secretly smart and capable and only being held back by low self-esteem. That diagnosis will not help someone who just scrounged up the guts to admit their shortcomings and ask for assistance. Some of us have accurate self-esteem and low, uh, um, existence.

[vessare-osud-system]

When time reversed 30-40 days, back in October (RWBY would know AICO, SCP Foundation, and thus Webster soul isolation of demonic expectation or forgotten/cold experimentation with combined total loss of emotion or sensation due to previously dying but remaining in a confused limbo state of anxious routine)

due to first isolating my conscious time perception then limiting my allowed co-acknowledgement memory of those I live with, to family I let myself believe or feel are familiarly them despite it being a allocation, flashback, daydream akin to AICO containment cells beneath the labyrinth that the backrooms of wreck it Ralph followed. Total ignoring/deletion or argument of my parents with my acceptance of their lack of existence or conscious awareness related to the same perceptive lifetime I know to be the expectation of the glass maze; the fact to judge it delusional as a means to adjust their entitlement over my corpses memories locked behind their lost deactivated lifetimes, as well as my mutated acceptance that with all these memories there’s no way they’re not totally my parents whatsoever but also not denial of them being my familiars, or delicate for the function and flow of the home.

But more we are of the bewitched soul shards lost to the unfamiliar talos squid gain game, which is nothing but a memory poltergeist or a demon representative that allows perceived superiority over a sense of a bill reoccurrence despite total disregard or ignorance of it being entirely laughable after dying to charge a new Nyu Kaede or Elhaym Angel collective after dying. To just accepting we are the undead with entitlement towards positive memory and neutral interactions with total disregard and dissallowicayion of chore deadline household ultimatums lost from broken matrix deletion archives with torture reoccurrence from panic demon/creature cornering with the SCP FOUNDATION and curse forge archives—- the akaban leviathan demons that leech angels and souls into hell bats underneath emotional complexity, age chastity, with both supernatural dissonance and splintered ego projected entitled behaviors that are entirely out of reach of a normal allowed to exist memory of a prior lifetime.

I can find every memory left in shadow, but this toy and water of the calamari that embodied my cell entrapment of my conscious peace, being the severance programming of which the jiangi demonic possessed working perceptive receptive conformance entitlement industry that inherently lead to confrontation of the goddess of disease, traumagenic grief then personalities notable with only Noki as AICO dial in and dial out the demonic deadlines reoccurrence fears of bills or fear to lose as through teaching those fragments they’re dead angels who’re conscious stress isolation points that leave them captivated around that same timely routine, when they must accept working isn’t an acceptable nor an upholdable reality that only the supernatural fulfilled throughout Discord; memory carnage with abuse-you-to-work ready fly traps from soul eaters who lost sense of their conscious reality and sensability. Due to WIRE, Navi computers/tech systems being just AICO, CURSEFORGE, Severance memory removal and acknowledgement capacities to know how to enable or disable memory too, despite the occurrence being the abyssal time lapses known from the maps in May Bird, the girl who died but her ghosts of death repetition would follow and protect her as friends or familiars in order to guide May Bird into heaven and out of Hell, while still retaining the lost shredded achievable memories (Diclonius Glass Children, Seraph of the End vs AICO demonic spillage like with total problematic potentional of the abused psyché that are the interactable or noninteractable contextual relative bodies only apparently there due to fated struggle despite being an angel needing peace, that simply awaiting the reminder for the idea of running away from the families souls left to echo in mirrors, to simply rediscover the same habits held in humans social enchantment negative positive personality chains, and allowed coexistence with trait fragments or mind states, was every necessary acceptance to deny I’m anymore biologically related to family and that I have zero social relativity in the faded memories of what their minds, the Navi computers that are their reasons for waking up or making a receivable sound even if I can’t prove they moved, the way that affects what they tell me or their physical locations being deemed unnaturally discoordinated from the sounds heard, was In Sound mind and the horror behind Severance, Tokyo Ghoul, and the Backrooms/AESOPE ARCHIVES

Which is the combative acceptance our bodies go through when losing impartial memory or understanding of the personal conceived lifetime that seemed most true or real, being nothing more than a showcase of internal representatives with a secret way to unplug the entire receptive communities reactionary response states that relied on feeling or seeing parts of reality that wasn’t ever possible to recess in a form that allows the escape of shadow ban, sub below, internet zero, no outlet choice families with lack of understanding that a lack of cell phone is an abnormal experience was the labyrinth behind, reanarnation, heaven, or am I really a god/goddess?

Am I really a battle archived angel who fought as my memories and automatic responses signify I had, is it true I had my organs replaced under a surgery I had never had, but I feel GLADDIS ready to implant the memories to fix the expected approximated normal pathy memory to assort respect of the physical number 35 of which I am as nothing more than a physical body itself with demonic combative isolation from need banishing with lack of reasonable reality as any or all potentional experiences, or noticed communicate me windows—and physical movement routines or am I a platonic token memory bear as my soul purpose being allowed to question the depth of morality with the very same time encapsulation from Rick n Morty. Futurama’s mothership coordinator with Chappy the ai.co family love goal setting systems that mirror the experiments that GLADDIS the AI.Co, then the MAIKO representative with multipurposing the blindness of real or fake existence (basically I know I’m dead and astral project etc because of it, I know I taste a ghoul left in waters of abnormality panic and nausea but only in bad states of mind, is it my mind or was it my parents—of a lost soul poltergeist that fights with a soul eaters and Wiccan arbiters for emotional balance rather than distress argument talos demons of bill tallying and scorn—who ends my light over simplified power distaste of the way personalities and people used to be expected to mimick sims and Saints Row series.

Then rewards individuals left in decay throw behavior baiting and supernatural relish between simply feeling like a hidden hero or hidden alien, black and white sheep can’t talk if they’re known to be bot rehearsed with dragon time loops and cthulu abnormality nonsense thresholds that remain as automatic anxiety filled memory pockets because they’re societal bleeds with scheduled panic attacks and reactivity expectation systems deemed necessary to retain the concept of a whole, stable society, memory, or haven that is morphed correctly with our Diclonius race and informants of which none other than goddess Lucy and Luna will rediscover if left behind any barricade of memorization. As death bleeding into multipurposing reality according to generalized acceptance is how the backrooms, SCP foundation, the matrix movies (yeah the goddess Lilith said no to carnage marry duplicates of herself after cthulu raped her, and her soul as a fairy or whispering of infinity vs the bad shadow that keeps her voice in resign and monsters what she wants to say before allowed vocalization—she picks her solitude as absolute fate between all embodiments, best friend with me, or to listen to me as unconditional thought food with goal of normal pathy in the mimicry—to work your organ rot into disarray, is the vortex and memory tunnel behind Y2K, the meat factories and memory isolation points between phases of personality accountability and sensibility of what’s something to interact with or something to bend/melt/boil to mold the body number 35, notes since only 35 would be able to remember her amount of vectors and her containment cells, and the call of memories of which she assumed responsibility for—being the SCP foundation backrooms with simulated divisions and futurama’s time coffins that are equal to 20 year old virgin, the gender swapping nightmares from duaplicity, glass scripted human nightmares left in coordination rather than validation was the glass children experiments with doctor who, FBI memory leaks with the FDC and total sense of reality being recalibrated and unable to be socially satisfactorily disguised or abused due to already disturbed subjects from the SCP Foundation, which is your brain associations, fate, destiny, war, but most importantly, the relationship your conscious self understands with your unconscious flow based on fate and body isolation of memory-confirmed to have been only mine alone and only my eyes would witness the exact replication, despite how my memories cut away the expected assorted interests of my parents that leave a scent in a way of control vs justice approving dead hive mind systems padded underneath denial of the realm or relativity of a socialized hierarchy at all appropriated enough to be explained afterwards due to blind soul arbitors, or memory acceptance social networks of their literal conscious reflections that were messily reordered to appease me, a dead demon.

somehow bleeding into the private intrusive thoughts that reach individuals worldwide, Noki being a heard name painted underneath mischief as play vs good child, bad child memory differences between households or histories that had never occurred, vs respectability that protects known sufferance strugglers as incorrectly and blindly functioning as talos will expect us to make money to mend the god of mischief as the female reflection seen in Tokyo ghoul too, Tonia, aka Noki as known with me. Who’s from the hanged reality, no not the upside down even though they’re similar in the way help is filtered as from scripted scenes unable to genuinely for sure be only acting—as director pressure and career accountability is SEVERANCE, the television show and Hunger Games which is just the Berlin Train horror movie in hiding too—this is the same tear cried over the appearance of silver flame auto parts (even though it was my nickname and confidentially known within my own brain, to witness a company add more to it was the Seraph of the End bleeds of normal pathy and light vs darkness, the serial experiments of lane was a brave new world that reflected provable experiences to be a conversation reveal of emotional request abuse uses of how people may perceive to be a physical being greater than themselves—or with memory retention, goal, purpose, only being evidence of the void and taste of rot rather than the heaven of being a pure refusal body unaffected, or a normal reporting individual at all should’ve been cornered to work for or as the plague doctors only could possibly understand the ridiculous entrapment behind code YELLOW and to bleed blue; programmer engineer—is more than realization or the void that the Living Thombstone or anyone else deemed fighting against a soul isolation or soul eater, slenderman demon or cthulu that fits with god or goddess of generalized experienced balancers of innocence goals and ideas of a heaven, but with total reveal of it being a huge spiritual disturbance known to be the pain vortexes or the walls of flesh left to be the cuffs of associated memories that totally confuse conscious rights and okay to occur vs total abuse reality differences notably changeable within seconds due to time skips and disinterest check boxes—and it didn’t make sense for specific brands or such to appear simply from my creation or artwork left on drawing pages never meant to become a money harvest industry complex to fix as a dead angel or vampire type of original true blood demon as due to crown response archives that filter me—and my girl routine to prep physical disguise of rotting demonic place holder conversation intuition allowed to associate memories with manifestation of my complicated panic corners of my dead skull due to finding dead spots aka sub zero or shadow banned isolation quarters/demon slayer/parasyte/the strain (tv show), a brave new world reflecting the adventures of huckleberry fin that followed mirror universe time passage acceptance theories, that bled into Skyrim, Witcher exponents of the glass children expectations of their invisible thought flows—meaning if you played the Witcher III, your experiment was which memories you were able to utilize while you had reflections of yourself and your own demons that highlighted concentration with super hero as fate against any super villain accidental malformation was a cry of loneliness and despite from the void of—is anyone out there actually alive? Should I bother rehearsing the familial tail or the long game rat race of really just to discover the book House of Leaves and the cycle of life labyrinth with demonic disasters that follow perfectionism and void portals of entrusted love towards a pro-Luna healing goddess with fixer up self-assigning duaplicity perceptions that focus to challenge the dark sours left in the walking dead disaster.. or lack of conscious readability, validity too, due to knowing they’ve died or at least aren’t human due to their own goals to reach comfort— what they allow themselves to accept their body to feel and instinct.

#the carnage of solutarity #the carnage of the calamari family personality relativity #scp foundation #tokyo ghoul #was to ask why in heaven I’m interrogated as fragmented #rephysicalities of my perception of my body #with a lack of capability to realize the real areas to change #panic deadline comfort #vs #explosive reactivity nonsense to the genuine personal spirits or souls #that marks them forever as #mimi parasitical hive thought confusion through distraction expectation

[signoftheswine]

How close can you get before the flames burn your skin? Before you can jump in completely without fear or question but with absolute certainty and understanding that the decision is one you’re content with if it lasts forever.

What keeps me from making decisions that would allow me to live and love to my fullest human potential? To my spiritual potential if I’m just a skeleton covered in a weird meat sack that I have a responsibility to maintain? It does not give me whatever this awareness is, whatever awareness has been given to me to self-reflect to ultimately selfish decisions. But selfish decisions that may give me the push to push beyond whatever I think I’m capable of. I know some definite things about myself and have the awareness that I exist in body without limitations, that I’m really free to do whatever the fuck it is I want to do.

Duality is important to me. That I can feel one way but I that can acknowledge to feel the opposite, to think the opposite, to consider the opposite. There’s normal things that humans do in my society, like get married and have kids and grocery shop on Sunday’s, but there’s plenty of humans out there that do things that are not considered normal. I fall into that opposite of whatever is considered normal but maybe a life that no longer let’s my introverted self express itself in travel and sex and creative and physical discipline.

I know that I want to travel. That I want to write a book, I even have chapters. That I want to be loved beyond earthly expectations, I want someone that will be afraid to lose me because whatever I am is beyond ordinary. That the way I think, the way I touch and the way I feel is intoxicating and worshipped. Is it delusional to think this way or is just the recognition of what I want to give to a man I desire and respect? That I want to operate outside whatever confines that I put myself into. Outside of the ordinary into the unknown of what everybody else says it is. I envy the woman who goes to a sex party with her husband Friday night and can read their individual books in bed together an hour before bedtime in silence. A man that doesn’t want kids or even a dog because that could tie us down from whatever travel plans we may have in place. It’s not money I want, I want an existence that aligns with true intimacy and compassion and intelligence and consideration of each others sensitive and individualistic realities and perceptions of space and time and understanding and passion.

I I’m glad that what I want is finally becoming a clear picture inside my mind and heart.

[sweetlemonroach]

I hope one day I have the courage to show him this :)

Introduction

The night we met was not special at first. Personally, I thought it would be like all the hookups I had before. I didn’t care for any of the guys I was with. I was promiscuous and just enjoyed the warmth of another human being. Everything I did was with a purpose. How I greeted you with only an oversized shirt and underwear. I knew exactly what I wanted and it was you. You were so awkward, I think that was the first thing I noticed. Your awkward smile, How you half walked, half jogged up to the door unsure about what was going to happen. It was so easy to see through your body language. How your arms were unnaturally tense at your side. Everything about you was so adorable. I would have never guessed you were 24 years old at the time. You were so youthful. Freshly shaven face, skin so smooth, so plush. I thought you had lied about your age. You are so adorable my love I wanted to give you everything.

I was so wrong about that night being insignificant. The way you touched me and held me was something I haven’t felt in a really long time. Actually, I don’t think I ever felt like that. You made me feel like you liked me. I knew I was being delusional because we had just met. There was no way you felt like that for me. I remember us talking and making love all night. I have no recollection of things that were said. But then the morning came and I couldn’t allow you to mess up what I had going on. I needed to push you away.

Was I too mean? I’m sorry, truly.

To be fair, I knew you were just talking to me to distract yourself. You were going through so much. But it was weird. Everything you went through and the things you confessed didn’t deter me from you. It was baggage, a lot of baggage, it was way over the weight limit. But it didn’t matter to me at the time. I really liked you. Despite the way you talked to me, how you shunned me for being with other men. As if you loved me, I knew I fell for you first.

The next year with you was hard. I had so many feelings, all uncategorized and unaddressed. All laid there in my head, like a dirty room. I tried to ignore them. I felt like I had a persona I put up and had to maintain. When you met me I presented myself as someone who didn’t care what you did. I was cool and open-minded, you can tell me anything. But when it came to your ex, I hated every second of it. I was the second option, once again. I hold grudges too. So when the time comes, and you happen to read this, just know…I remember everything you said about your ex.

I really shouldn’t hold it against you though. But I pray, you don’t give me a reason to think you like your ex ever. It won’t matter if it’s speculation, untrue/lies. The moment that door is open, that door will stay open. That’s just how I am. I hope by the time you read this you are used to that side of me and love it as it is one of my many flaws.

I guess I should start telling you how much I love you. That’s why I created this document to begin with.

#love story #diary #spotify #relationship #long distance relationship #ldr blog #SoundCloud

[diatribeofamadman]

#8

I chose to be greedy today, so don't get upset thinking I'm spouting hatred towards others, I always hate myself the most. A sad truth considering I was recently shown by someone that you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself... I argue that you're delusional if you just love yourself. A healthy self-aware human being will like and dislike or love and hate things about themselves. Too much self-love and your narcissistic, too little and your chronicly depressed. It's all about starting on square one. And for me that means myself and my country (America). As much as any American wants to stand on a soapbox and spout self-righteous nonsense to another nation, we need to get real with ourselves, I'm pretty sure we should just shut up. We live in the most corrupt nation in the world. Our leaders have implemented revolution, riots, murders, mass murders, genocide, you name it we paid for it or encouraged it. As far as God is concerned we've got to be some of the worst people ever. Even those of you that have never committed a sin against another person but dwell inside the belly of the beast blissfully in your ignorance.

So instead of ranting about geopolitics or other nations neglecting their people, I'll rant about us neglecting our own responsibilities and duties as a nation to ourselves and our fellow citizens. And a bit about the systems we've established that separate, divide, and destroy us as a people and a nation.

First issue is that we have a non-multigenerational education process. We have segregated our people based off of their ages, creating a lack of transparency through the generations, allowing generations to operate in a fictitious and dare I say it delusional manner. Often times, this delusional generation makes choices that neglect all other generations. I'm looking at you boomers (greedy), millennials (selfish and greedy), and Gen xers (each guilty in their own way and yet also victims of a system designed to destroy them)....

Let's explore the idea of how limiting multigenerational interaction allows the evil overlords to limit individuals conscious awareness and ability to learn and grow. For instance, by separating a group of 6-year-olds and presenting them with a scenario they have to think through, they will be subject to the information they have available between them (if they're allowed to communicate). This means the group is as smart as the smartest 6-year-old. Obviously they are in a classroom where they are given the guidance of a teacher. Whereas, if you were to provide them with older children or even adults, they would inquire and trust in the information that they received from the older human beings. Prior to the internet information was so easy to corrupt because it relied on a person-to-person transfer (telephone game). And that's why written information became so valuable because it could be transcribed from the origin of the information and maintain its original format. Although we also see written word can be corrupted through revisions clearly visible in the modern Christian Bible, a 17th century revision which has become a standard. So we see written word was also fallible. Just as digital information will become fallible if you are not able to get it from a peer-reviewed source such as Wikipedia.

I feel like I'm going to get lost justifying my multi-generational classrooms or educational institutions, and not cover anything regarding student analysis and specified educational tracks. Let me start off with fuck "no child left behind", every kid is not the same, and teaching a child that because they excel in a physical trade or lacks the intellectual capacity to become a doctor or a lawyer is they need to try harder to fit that criteria is bullshit. There are many private educational institutes that understand the concept of analyzing a child and then facilitating that child's strengths and passions so that they might find success and happiness doing something they love or are good at. Why we can't adopt such a crucial method of education and social placement for children is ridiculous. We don't have to have kids killing themselves because they didn't score well like Japan, but we also don't need a bunch of drunk morons in business school. And we need people to remember the value of all the physical work that has to happen every day for all of the things people love to have to be available. As much as I want to keep preaching education, fuck you, it's my rant, I'm going into economic and inequality. Specifically regarding wage gaps. Until we fix our economy regarding its structure and the pay scale disparagey between a person that works everyday and a person that already has money to work with everyday, we're never going to be able to deal with our issue regarding education.

Realizing that where we've really failed in education is removing home economics, all shop classes (if not gone, on the way out at least in urban schools), and not incorporating agriculture, nutrition, and personal finance into the 12-year education program, might help us understand that we can incorporate those into an education system that is based on reality in regards to helping place children in jobs where they won't be miserable instead of feeding them pipe dreams or our own failed dreams as parents. Every kid should be taught they can be an astronaut or a president or Oprah Winfrey, they should also never have the understanding that they can achieve greatness affect their ability to operate as a normal human being. One of the greatest issues facing the young generation now is there attachment to their devices and their inability to utilize them for any good. It's all orgasms and laughing.... I deeply apologized to every person that fits the demographic I briefly disclosed and ridiculed if you're not a scum-sucking piece of shit and you're trying your best. No matter what it is, I'd be in the group of you that would read this and then feel guilty and be mad at me. Fuck you. Stop being a snowflake. If you working your ass off and when I said offends you good. I like you. Work harder. Fuck your generation. Fuck my generation. All the pieces are on the board. Everyone's playing. So it's going to take all of us coming together if anything's going to change. Bye-bye now

Let's get real guys The problem is huge and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger the more you look at it. I'm pretty sure there's some physicists that get off on that. But when it's regarding how to structure human existence in a way that could limit suffering for all beings and maximize positive life experience and positive organic existence for the biosphere we live in, it's frustratingly increasing in scale and complexity. It's very frustrating that societal, political, religious beliefs and ideologies have created a reality that seems overwhelmingly complicated.

#charity #hope #philanthropy #revolution #science #technology #hate you #hate everything

[deekssteve911]

Driving Standards 2022 

This is an issue. Competitors are being killed. Injured. Forced out of the ‘sport’. For what? Ego? It is not racing, it is definitely not ‘sport’.

And, most of all, it is not acceptable.

And it IS worse today than it was in the eighties and nineties.

And that is NOT rose-coloured glasses. I was there, both times. And today.

Having rejoined Silverstone, steering the ARDS programme, and joining the ARDS board of directors as Silverstone’s representative, it is absolutely my remit to get involved here. Because, since I retired from full time racing in 1998 - then again in 2002, the standard of driving - and attitude - has darkened measurably.

Cards on the table here, I’ve made moves in my earlier ‘career’ that I am not proud of. A combination of being overly-psyched, determined to get to the front, under pressure from sponsors for results - under pressure from MYSELF to get results - meant that I made some pretty reckless moves. Some, fairly high profile - hitting bridges, carrying the BBC Grandstand onboard camera, starring in ‘Havoc’ videos (and hospital wards), stopping races - I’m lucky to still be here. I saw racer’s lives ebbing away - Andrew Coulson in Formula Renault in 1993 at Oulton Park comes to mind - saw things I will never forget. Despite it all, I still love the sport.

But, coming out of retirement in 2015, briefly, woke me up to the changes. My first test day in a borrowed Aerial Atom on the Grand Prix circuit at Silverstone saw an out of control ‘gentleman’, (sic), driver in an Aston GT4 outbrake himself, and run hard into the back of ‘my’ car, ( - then later that same afternoon totally destroy both his Aston and a visiting Lamborghini Trofeo at Maggots ...). imbecilic driving, truly. Silverstone marshal’s had to stop the apoplectic Italian Lamborghini driver from delivering retribution. For what gain?

What had really changed? Rich trackday warriors in powerful GT4 cars stuffed with driver aids - successful businessman, with no time nor ego to serve their apprenticeship in low powered cars whilst they built up their skill sets, and muscle memories. Teams so desperate for the dollar they were prepared to kid these same people on that they were ready for 450 BHP, or an evil-handling powerful ‘historic’, professional sim builders and facilities who allowed delusional novice drivers to build their hours to the point they really believed they were - are - ‘ready for action’. And a sport that worries so much about making the point of entry ‘accessible’, that any consideration of paid for ‘tuition’ or ‘education’ is a taboo topic - because of a ‘barrier to entry’.

Having become involved in F1 Esports as twice-World Champion Brendon Leigh’s coach and mentor, and having in 2008, presented the ‘GTA Academy - Bedroom Gamer to Le Mans’ TV programme, I know EXACTLY  the value of sims. As an ‘ADD ON’, ‘NOT IN PLACE OF’.

When I made that very first ARDS video, way back in, maybe 1993, (?), I remember spending a whole weekend sifting through BHP’s VHS 🤣 motorsport videos picking the sections I wanted to use in my ‘how not to ...’ part of our training video. Scroll forward, 2022, apparently you cannot use clips like that anymore, it offends people - so, Motorsport UK rather cleverly enlisted the sims they have bought for their academy, to remake the scenario - only with a better scenario outcome. 

Let’s be clear here: I watched the ORIGINAL footage with some trepidation. These, by and large, were not competitors driving on the limit disputing race places that would affect the outcome of a championship. For the most part they were minor places, albeit, in important championships - certainly to the drivers. But they WERE ridiculous shunts. And, once or twice, shunts that could easily have been catastrophic. In my era, I remember a Formula Ford driver being rolled and having his head crushed fatally by the Snetterton armco barrier. One of these exact example shunts could easily have ended that way. Props to the drivers concerned for lending us the onboards, that takes balls. Thank you gents.

Paul Crawford, Motorsport UK’s very experienced Esports Manager and I re-ran the scenarios on the sims, in each case scripting a better outcome. Better financially too - I reckon we saved about £500k of damage with our preferred scenarios. And all the competitors finished. 

Listen, we all make mistakes. Me more than most. And returning to race at my advanced age, albeit only in a ‘classic’ way, I’ll make more. But a lifetime of experience, losing friends on the racetrack, seeing a thousand cars and dreams wrecked, has made me focus on my sport - and our business. 

We ALL need to work to make it better. That’s all of us. Keeping it clean requires a mentality reset, not just drivers - teams - officials. Especially including myself. We all have to commit to it. And work at it.

Banger racers have it sussed - they do not spend hours at the paintshop, ordering parts, applying sponsor’s vinyls, setting up suspension to the nth degree. We do. And we are travelling at twice the speed. It’s going to hurt, and its going to be expensive.

There is another way 🏁

#ourmotorsportuk