#so now I’m like. that’s my buddy Moses.

[alagaisia]

I’m going to say it. I think Moses is going to win the tanakh sexyman bracket.

It’s all fun and games voting for trees and rocks and background characters, but even aside from the picture chosen, I can’t imagine *not* voting for Moses. I don’t care if he’s a sexyman or not. Like. That’s my guy. It’s him! It’s a silly little tumblr poll and I am not very religious at all but he is the main guy. To me. I’m sure all these other stories are just as important rabbinically speaking and in terms of like creating and protecting the Jewish people. But my dad did not read them to me every year at Passover while we all participated in Rituals™️!

And I have to imagine others feel the same way since he’s cleaning up right now with 75% while everyone else’s polls are closer together.

#I also wrote an essay once where I stumbled into realizing a way to relate to Moses as someone raised in an interfaith household #like. he was raised by the Pharaoah! he probably was not brought up perfectly in line with Jewish traditions #and with like a super complete knowledge of his people and culture and religion #like. how often might he have worried about fitting in with other more educated Jews and if he knew enough and did things right and like #then he had to lead everyone??? like! one must imagine a man simply wracked with imposter syndrome #so now I’m like. that’s my buddy Moses. #and exodus and Passover are so foundational to like. my experience of Judaism and my identity. somehow #anyway. Moses sweep. let’s go. #tanakh sexyman #Judaism #mine

[boreal-sea]

“Who created the patriarchy” yes, it has been created once exactly and we use a Time Machine and went back in time and found out that Jack and all his buddies made it in what would have been a “man cave” but is more accurately described as just a regular cave because that’s what it was. Jack was bragging about how he single-handedly brought down a mammoth in the last hunt. Really, it was his sister Jill who by all accounts was faster, was more muscular, and was more accurate at throwing spears than Jack, who had been hiding behind a bush at the time of the mammoth-slaying. But much like Moses, Jill didn’t like attention or public speaking and she knew that the best hunter was usually selected as the next tribal leader, and the current tribal leader was very old and Jill just wanted to hunt, because that’s what she excelled at and what brought her joy. So, being smart, she asked Jim to take credit for the kill and thus Jim accidentally created the patriarchy. Oh shit, but does that mean Jill accidentally created the patriarchy? Anyway, it doesn’t matter who created it because we can’t go blaming one entire gender when it has existed for, well, many centuries. Who sustains it, and how, is more pertinent. Even more pertinent is how to dismantle it, rather than throwing blame.

"Also. Jill’s biceps and quads were ridiculously massive. Jill was just shredded. Jill was a rock star. I wrote my last ask because of a debate you had with a nasty transphobe but now, really, I’m just obsessed with Jill and who gives a damn about the patriarchy. I’m getting back into the Time Machine to learn more about Jill."

Anon I love you.

[w-i-m-p]

Comin’ Up

Well well well.. if it isn’t that bridge I’d said I’d cross when I got there. It’s coming up on a year now. Have I worked through it? No clue. I’ve been trying to steel myself; to think of and remember all the good times. (Did I use that right? I never know how to use semicolons.)

I can think of all the great memories and the times we’ve had. I think of how you were and your mannerisms. How much you’d have loved this house when you were at your best. But to have carried you through this far, at your condition would have been tortuous. All of the blessings that had poured down on us after you left have been great and amazing… and I’m so thankful. I just wish you could have been here.

I’m reminded of Moses and Joshua when the whole time through the desert Moses had been the lead and then God was like, “nah, you can’t go into the promised land…” you were our little Moses, leading us to all these wonderful moments of our life knowing you wouldn’t be able to see us through. It’s not fair. But there was no way to have it both ways… if only you had been born one or two years later. (Would it have even mattered?)

I’ve come to believe that sadness and crying is okay. It doesn’t mean I am still broken or that I’ve not worked through your passing. It’s just a really shitty time. That’s it. When I think of sad times I have to cry a little because it still makes me sad. It will never NOT be sad. That’s just the fact of the matter. Some days I can think of you and be okay, other times I can’t help but miss my little shadow… (that ultimately became Mama’s little shadow)

My little fifty-cal Boo. I miss you buddy. I wish you could have seen this place. I’m sure you would have loved how it felt like home. You would have hated the vinyl but… lol you’d still drift/run as long as there were snacks involved.

I hope you’re doing well my sweet boy. We all miss you. Mama said she saw you enjoying the house in her dream! I’m glad! I’m so happy you found us. I was afraid that we left you there. Good night Boomer. I love you. 💔

I wish I could pet your soft velvety head. Your cool to the touch ears. Your soft little chest patch. I hope remember when I see you in my dream next time.

#grief #pet loss #boomer #mourning

[diavolosthots]

How would the brothers react to their MC having really strict religious (Christen) parents?

I feel bad for the kids of strict Christian parents because ive only ever heard horror stories (not saying that there arent good ones out there, I'm just saying ive only ever heard horror stories)

THE BROTHERS to MC having strict religious parents

Lucifer:

Girl you already know hes gonna show up with PRIDE like "Good Evening, my name is Lucifer." And watch your parents pass out. Finds humor in it, too. Might get agitated if they throw a bible at him or something but overall he has like the "polite passive aggressiveness" if you know what I mean.

Mammon:

So? What about it? Are ya scared they're gonna lock you up for dating a demon? Pfft. They should be watching their backs if they try anything against him. Doesn't care if theyre christian, muslim, or Satanists. Hes dating you, not them.

Leviathan:

Lololololool hes simply going to refuse ever meeting them. Hes scared they'll just hate solely based on the fact that he's a demon, and who wants to deal with that? Why try something that could potentially end bad when you can just avoid them?

Satan:

This depends entirely on how christian they are. If its the "Hey we're the cool kind who dont force religion on anyone else" then youre fine. If they're the disgusting kind then you can bet hes going to switch into demon form JUST to give them a nice heart attack and laugh in their face

Asmodeus:

Oh you don't have to worry he can be completely normal. "Ah yes Moses, he was my buddy a long time ago. Such a sad time when he got nailed to the cross" literally fucks up the bible to impress and doesnt realize it. Good luck.

Beelzebub:

Hes not here to discuss religion, he's here to discuss your parent's cooking. Sure they can ask questions, throw holy water on him, or cite the prayer of the lord, but hes still gonna eat their fridge empty.

Belphegor:

Ugh dont even go on. He already doesnt want to meet them anymore. Christians can be so stuck up and he doesnt want to risk getting yeeted by your parents. If theyre nice, cool, if they try to get rid of him they might have a demon in their house from now on.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #asmodeus obey me #obey me lucifer #belphegor obey me #leviathan obey me #mammon obey me #satan obey me #beelzebub obey me

[altr5312916195]

Camp Unus Annus Chapter Two

The van parked in a mostly empty parking lot. There was a couple other Unus Annus vans, and it seemed the other campers got there before them along with the other two senior councilors.  

Amy assisted the campers out of the van, while Mark began handing people their luggage. During this Ethan, and Evan would bring the campers over to a lodge.

Inside other campers were already sitting down, and talking. There was a fireplace in the corner of the room. Y/N sat down on the bench in between Jay, and Eclipse. 

Once everyone was settled Mark, Ethan, Amy, and Evan would begin their opening speech. 

“Welcome to Camp Unus Annus, everyone. We just want to go over a few camp rules, and how cabins will work before we get into everything along with introducing some of the councilors you’ll see around.” Mark started. Ethan would then move onto the rules which Y/n only caught some of. 

“We have a strict buddy system here so be sure to find your buddy today.” He told them. 

Eclipse nudged their shoulder. “The new kid always gets passed around in buddies, don’t freak out about finding one. We’ll all take care of you.” “Wait what?” Y/n nervously asked them. 

“And then of course you’ll all be sorted into cabins. As you head out we'll sort you into yours. If you are a returning camper though, you’ll be in your same cabin from last summer.” Amy told them. 

“After we let you go you’ll drop everything off at your cabin, and come back to the front of the lodge to start our team building to meet new friends, or old ones.” Evan told them. 

“And remember: Unus Annus.” Mark said

“Memento Mori.” Ethan added after him. 

“What does that mean?” Y/n asked Jay. 

“One year, remember death.” The campers spoke up. 

“Uh.. huh..” Y/n nodded. They left with everyone else, though strayed behind a bit while trying to get their things. They noticed another girl who seemed to lag too, though her lag was purposeful. Y/n tapped their shoulder. The girl looked startled by their presence. “Hey..” They said softly. 

“Hi.” She turned to look at them with a small smile. “You’re the new kid, huh? I’m Elipses.” She told them. “Y/n.” They put out their hand, which she shook. They started walking along. “What do you think of camp so far?” She asked them. They shrugged. “Y’all are weird.” Elipses laughed. “We get that a lot.” 

Amy stopped the pair at the door. “Y/n here’s your cabin assignment.” She handed them a piece of paper. “Oh thanks.” They noted the cabin name. 

“What’d ya get?” Elipses asked, and moved to grab the piece of paper. The small slip flew from their grip with a gust of wind. They watched it fly away. “Damn.. guess that’s lost to time.” Elipses shrugged. “So.. You got a buddy for today?” Y/n shook their head. “Not yet.” Their eyes darted around them as they walked the trail. 

There was some tents set up around various places, and in the middle of the woods a single cabin that looked charred and burned, but still stood up well. 

“Don’t start already Taser Fire!” A man who was inexplicably covered in a red and blue hue screamed as he ran into the cabin. 

“W-was that Mark?” Y/n asked. “Nah, not Mark. There’s my tent, I’m in Earth Girth.” She told them before running off.

“Huh..” Y/n sighed a bit as they were now alone. 

“You lost, New Kid?” A voice spoke up behind them. 

They turned to face the voice. “No! Heh, I’m good. I’m Y/n by the way!” 

“Morris.” He told them, then pulled them close. “Listen, there’s some crazy stuff going on around here, but I’m getting to the bottom of it! You see something hinky going on, you tell me.” Morris whispered to them. 

“What like that?” Y/n pointed to the bushes behind them were a face stood staring at them. Though it seemed as soon as they spotted him he disappeared. “What was that?” They asked. 

“Ah, that’s Norbert Moses, don’t worry about him.” A girl spoke up. 

“Well, Knife and I will be on our way.” Morris said before running off. 

“Who’s Knife..?” They asked, but Morris was already far gone. Y/n sighed. “And who’s Norbert?” They asked the girl. She smiled, and laughed. “One of our many camp cryptids, it’s always fun when new campers meet them. I’m Maybe! Welcome to camp.” She told them before running off. 

“Well.. Guess I’m alone again.” Y/n noted. 

Here you go campers! Chapter two of this Chaos fest. I think I’m going to do seven chapters, one for each day of camp. Anyways, Campsonas in this Chapter:

Jay- @birdofprey1234

Eclipse- Hi that’s me

Elipses- @markmentomoreef

Morris- @hoodundat

Maybe- @maybetheremaybenot

Taglist: 

@itshidingthere

#camp unus annus #camp unus annus fic #unus annus #campsona #camp ua #Unus #annus #markiplier #mark fishbach #crankgameplays #ethan nestor #amy nelson #peebles

[deery-fiction]

Hi! Saw your post about wanting some company and ego talk, so here’s a question for you!! Which three egos do you think are underrated, and why should they get more attention? I’m curious :D (hope this isn’t weird, I’ve never done this before lmao)

Aw!!! Thank you!! And that's a very interesting question, let me think about it 🤔 (also this isn’t weird at all and I really appreciate you stepping out of your comfort zone to send this because I’ve been checking tumblr frequently like a goon X,D)

I’m putting my thoughts under a read more because this answer got longer then I was anticipating and also I technically did more then three? I wasn’t sure if you wanted just Mark Egos or Jack Egos or what and so I just did my best to think about all of them and then ended doing bonus parts because I’m excited and it got hard to pick after the first two I did sdgjfg I hope I answered your question in a satisfactory way and that I didn’t go overboard!!! I’m just long winded and excited about my first ask,,, Here’s to hoping it’s not too much! 

Overall across all the different batches/groups of egos (Yes, I call them Batches sometimes dhdhe) I think:

1. Silver Surfer - I'm a sucker for Superheros in general, I'm a Marvel and DC fan so seeing Superhero Egos makes me happy. I also read the Silver Surfer centric stories from the Ego Manor series and I loved them... I went looking for more stories about Silver, couldn't find much and was sad :( I also think there's a lot of potential with Silver Shepard and Jackieboy man interactions! Either as crime fighting partners, rivals, or their civilian identities are buddies but they're unaware of the other's hero identity! I don't know, it might just be my hero bias showing but I'd genuinely love to see more stuff with both of the hero egos 💜 They both just offer opportunities for both goofy silliness and serious, somber moments. You can make them witty and goofy but also explore the genuine, sincere desire to help people. You can talk about guilt complexes about how close they were to saving someone but just missing the mark, while still making them powerful and strong. I like seeing powerful characters who aren't infallible, because under those masks and powers, they're still human above everything else. That and they're just badass fhsjs

2. Bim Trimmer - He just seems really fun! I'm imagining Wilford taking him under his wing and I think people could have fun with their dynamic! Or you could spin it and have them as rivals! There's also a lot of potential for horror story telling with Bim, in my opinion. Seriously, a GameShow host that kills the losers to feed them to the other contestants? A possibly cannibalistic gameshow host with a show broadcast on the dark web? I wanna see people play with this character! Though I can understand why people may not be comfortable with those and if I do write stuff exploring that, I'll be sure to tag it appropriately so I don't make people uncomfortable.

3. Shawn Flynn - Look, I know Shawn Flynn is less ego and more voice over cameo/Bendy Character, but I think he and Jameson Jackson could be good ol timey friends together and I think it would be really cute!!! Shawn making little toys for his friends/people he cares about because he's a toy maker and enjoys making toys and wants the people he cares about to know that he's thinking about them! Shawn would also be able to get any era specific/dated references that JJ might make because they're from the same/similar era! He'd probably be a hit with Chase's kids too! I can totally imagine him sitting with Chase's kids and or Schneep's child and telling them about toy making processes and demonstrating! I love Shawn Flynn if you couldn't tell lmao

Bonus stuff:

I think most of the Markiplier Egos aside from Dark and Wilford are probably comparatively underrated. I love Dark and Wilford, don't get me wrong! But they do get the most attention and I just want to say that I would love to see Dr. Iplier, The Googles, Bing, The Jim, The Host, ect. get more love but I also understand that the sheer number of egos, both official and unofficial, can be very overwhelming and I don't want to push people to write for a larger number of characters then the feel comfortable and capable of writing.

Also! I know Ethan said he wasn't going to be doing ego stuff seriously and I totally respect that but we do have characters like Blank and Mad Mike and I just think they're neat and would like more work including them! Especially Blank interacting with Dark and Anti. I think Blank especially has potential for both funny and serious stuff depending on how he's written. He could either be cute and funny, pouting that he's just an April goof to Ethan, or he be written more seriously as an actual antagonist like Dark and Anti, desiring to step forward and be acknowledged like them. There's also the sad boi Blank take which I think is also valid!

Also Also! I've seen stuff for Unus and Annus, but I think I would love to see stuff about characters from the channel like The Gongoozler, Melon Man, MerMer, SCP Amy, Norbert Moses, and other UA Cryptids! I know they were just bits for a now dead channel, but I just love the idea of them meeting the other, non UA Egos and the chaos that could ensue from there!! There's also sad stuff that could be written about them because like, I don't know, maybe when the channel was deleted, Unus and Annus vanished because even with the fan support, they were destined to die with the channel, the others like Norbert, Gongoozler, Melon man, ect, all persisted due to fan support and not being tied to the channel the same way Unus and Annus were. Unus and Annus were the channel, the figure heads and mascots, the others were just spawned off the videos and live on through saved clips. The thing is, maybe they still consider Unus and Annus their "creators"/dads and now have to grieve the two because they out lived them?

#Markiplier egos #Jackspeticeye Egos #JSE egos #Silver Shepard #Bim Trimmer #Shawn Flynn #Unus Annus #Blankgameplays #The Gongoozler #Melon Man #Ask #7spaceace7 #Jackieboy man

[blindrapture]

oh my god I fucking found it.

I wanted to find an easy way of reading Dante’s Inferno New Game Plus without having to boot up Frog Fractions 2 and go digging for it, so I opened up the game’s files and starting opening shit in notepad, and the first file I tried did indeed have it. All of it.

Some highlights:

‘You cannot hide or run from the Nacho Man, My arm is long and my eyes see into space; There is no nation that is not the Nacho Nation; Of all the world I am the savior, Pedal to the metal!  Everybody knows it! Oh yeah, let me tell you what I'll do; Through every city shall I will hunt her down, Until I have driven her back to Hell, Where some weaksauce demon let her loose. I know what's best and what is MACHO! Follow me buddy, and I will be your guide, We're going to have a real adventure. You're going to see some pretty gnarly stuff Some ancient ghosts and boogums that go woo, Maybe you'll be sad if you're a wuss; You'll also see some pretty happy folks They're happy mostly because I visit them, Everybody treasures a visit from the Nacho; If you want to go to heaven afterwords, To meet your ladyfriend or whatever; That's where we'll part ways I guess; Because that rightious dude who rules heaven, Has tasked me with bringing macho madness To those less fortunate, so I remain. Heaven is the most macho city of all; And until all are macho I must wait; This is my holy task, a righteous one.'

'Tell me, my Master, tell me, thou my Lord,' Began I, with desire of being certain Of that Faith which o'ercometh every error, 'Came any one by his own merit hence, Or by another's, who was blessed thereafter?' And he, who understood my covert speech, Replied: 'When I first got here, When from the sky a long-haired dude appeared, Almost as glorious as the Nacho Man himself. He grabbed some Bible dudes, I  think they were Abe and Abel and Noah's Ark but not Noah, I think Moses was there too?  It was rad. There were a bunch of others but honestly I can't be bothered to remember right now It really isn't important Past, present, future, It's the best there is. Ohhhh yeah. And then that guy left and never came back.’

I was bent downward, but my living eyes Could not attain the bottom, for the dark; Wherefore I: 'Master, see that thou arrive At the next round, and let us descend the wall; For as from hence I hear and understand not, So I look down and nothing I distinguish.' 'Don't talk,' he said, 'for a while, Seriously.  You fill the air with noise And not the type of madness that I love.'

Wherefore I said: 'Master, these torments here, Will they increase after the mighty sentence, Or lesser be, or will they be as burning?' And he to me: 'Man do I look like a prohpet? Whatever is gonig to happen is going to happen, And I have no way of knowing which is which. These folks are trapped here forever They can't get into heaven, so who cares? It's harsh, but that's how the chips fall.'

'Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!' Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began; And that benignant Sage, who all things knew, Said, to encourage me: 'Don't wig out, We are too macho for this jive turkey, He can't stop us entering the danger zone.' Then he turned round unto that bloated lip, And said: 'Shut up you freakshow; Why not eat yourself for a change? We got a divine purpose, higher than Nachos; The big man upstairs sent us so beat it, We're soaring eagles, you are a slithering snake.'

Dante’s Inferno featuring Randy Savage, below the break.

I N F E R N O N E W  G A M E  P L U S >By Dante Alighieri !CANTO I. Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straightforward pathway had been lost. Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say What was this forest savage, rough, and stern, Which in the very thought renews the fear. So bitter is it, death is little more; But of the good to treat, which there I found, Speak will I of the other things I saw there. 10/I cannot well repeat how there I entered, So full was I of slumber at the moment In which I had abandoned the true way. But after I had reached a mountain's foot, At that point where the valley terminated, Which had with consternation pierced my heart, Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders, Vested already with that planet's rays Which leadeth others right by every road. Then was the fear a little quieted 20/That in my heart's lake had endured throughout The night, which I had passed so piteously. And even as he, who, with distressful breath, Forth issued from the sea upon the shore, Turns to the water perilous and gazes; So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward, Turn itself back to re-behold the pass Which never yet a living person left. After my weary body I had rested, The way resumed I on the desert slope, 30/So that the firm foot ever was the lower. And lo! almost where the ascent began, A panther light and swift exceedingly, Which with a spotted skin was covered o'er! And never moved she from before my face, Nay, rather did impede so much my way, That many times I to return had turned. The time was the beginning of the morning, And up the sun was mounting with those stars That with him were, what time the Love Divine 40/At first in motion set those beauteous things; So were to me occasion of good hope, The variegated skin of that wild beast, The hour of time, and the delicious season; But not so much, that did not give me fear A lion's aspect which appeared to me. He seemed as if against me he were coming With head uplifted, and with ravenous hunger, So that it seemed the air was afraid of him; And a she-wolf, that with all hungerings 50/Seemed to be laden in her meagreness, And many folk has caused to live forlorn! She brought upon me so much heaviness, With the affright that from her aspect came, That I the hope relinquished of the height. And as he is who willingly acquires, And the time comes that causes him to lose, Who weeps in all his thoughts and is despondent, E'en such made me that beast withouten peace, Which, coming on against me by degrees 60/Thrust me back thither where the sun is silent. While I was rushing downward to the lowland, Before mine eyes did one present himself, Who seemed from long-continued silence hoarse. When I beheld him in the desert vast, 'Have pity on me,' unto him I cried, 'Whiche'er thou art, or shade or real man!' He answered me: A man;  a macho man I am, And both my parents were of Ohio, And American by country both of them. 70/'Randy Poffo' was I born, though it was late, And lived at Columbus under the good Eisenhower, During the time of the war in Vietnam. An athlete was I, and I batted in the minors those red birds of Saint Louis, Cardinals, Before the Macho Man took to combat. But brother, why are you going back to such annoyance? Why aren't you heading up to heaven instead, Where all the good people always go?' 'Now, art thou that Macho Man and that fighter 80/To whom there is no limit but the sky?' I made response to him with bashful forehead. 'O, of the other wrestlers honour and light, Avail me the long study and great love That have impelled me to explore thy technique! Thou art my master, and my author thou, Thou art alone the one from whom I took The beautiful style that has done honour to me. Behold the beast, for which I have turned back; Do thou protect me from her, famous Sage, 90/For she doth make my veins and pulses tremble.' 'You should head to somewhere less grody,' Responded he, when he beheld me weeping, 'Unlike me, you cannot afford to look ridiculous; Because this beast, at which you are raging, Doesn't ever let anybody past her, She'll mess you up something wicked; She, like me, is a tower of power She is funky like a monkey and hungry too, And after food is hungrier than before. 100/Let me tell you something buddy, She may be strong but compared to her I'm stronger! She better watch out because I'm coming for her. You cannot hide or run from the Nacho Man, My arm is long and my eyes see into space; There is no nation that is not the Nacho Nation; Of all the world I am the savior, Pedal to the metal!  Everybody knows it! Oh yeah, let me tell you what I'll do; Through every city shall I will hunt her down, 110/Until I have driven her back to Hell, Where some weaksauce demon let her loose. I know what's best and what is MACHO! Follow me buddy, and I will be your guide, We're going to have a real adventure. You're going to see some pretty gnarly stuff Some ancient ghosts and boogums that go woo, Maybe you'll be sad if you're a wuss; You'll also see some pretty happy folks They're happy mostly because I visit them, 120/Everybody treasures a visit from the Nacho; If you want to go to heaven afterwords, To meet your ladyfriend or whatever; That's where we'll part ways I guess; Because that rightious dude who rules heaven, Has tasked me with bringing macho madness To those less fortunate, so I remain. Heaven is the most macho city of all; And until all are macho I must wait; This is my holy task, a righteous one.' 130/And I to him: 'Sir, I thee entreat, By that same God whom thou didst never know, So that I may escape this woe and worse, Thou wouldst conduct me there where thou hast said, That I may see the portal of Saint Peter, And those thou makest so disconsolate.' Then he moved on, and I behind him followed. !CANTO II. Day was departing, and the embrowned air Released the animals that are on earth From their fatigues; and I the only one Made myself ready to sustain the war, Both of the way and likewise of the woe, Which memory that errs not shall retrace. O Muses, O high genius, now assist me! O memory, that didst write down what I saw, Here thy nobility shall be manifest! 10/And I began: 'Poet, who guidest me, Regard my manhood, if it be sufficient, Ere to the arduous pass thou dost confide me. Thou sayest, that of Silvius the parent, While yet corruptible, unto the world Immortal went, and was there bodily. But if the adversary of all evil Was courteous, thinking of the high effect That issue would from him, and who, and what, To men of intellect unmeet it seems not; 20/For he was of great Rome, and of her empire In the empyreal heaven as father chosen; The which and what, wishing to speak the truth, Were stablished as the holy place, wherein Sits the successor of the greatest Peter. Upon this journey, whence thou givest him vaunt, Things did he hear, which the occasion were Both of his victory and the papal mantle. Thither went afterwards the Chosen Vessel, To bring back comfort thence unto that Faith, 30/Which of salvation's way is the beginning. But I, why thither come, or who concedes it? I not Aeneas am, I am not Paul, Nor I, nor others, think me worthy of it. Therefore, if I resign myself to come, I fear the coming may be ill-advised; Thou'rt wise, and knowest better than I speak.' And as he is, who unwills what he willed, And by new thoughts doth his intention change, So that from his design he quite withdraws, 40/Such I became, upon that dark hillside, Because, in thinking, I consumed the emprise, Which was so very prompt in the beginning. 'If the Macho Man catches your drift,' Replied that shade of the Champion, 'You're a giant coward baby whiner, And your lameness drags you down awful fierce, It makes you shake like a sad puppydog, Like some sort of weird lame animal thing. Nevertheless stick with the Macho Man 50/And I'll tell you why I'm here right now And why a champ like me would help you. I was pumping iron at the gym one day, When a hot lady ghost came up to me I cannot refuse a pretty lady. She had these killer eyes like wow; And her voice really revved my engine, Here's the madness that she spoke: 'O spirit courteous of Mantua, Of whom the fame still in the world endures, 60/And shall endure, long-lasting as the world; A friend of mine, and not the friend of fortune, Upon the desert slope is so impeded Upon his way, that he has turned through terror, And may, I fear, already be so lost, That I too late have risen to his succour, From that which I have heard of him in Heaven. Bestir thee now, and with thy speech ornate, And with what needful is for his release, Assist him so, that I may be consoled. 70/Beatrice am I, who do bid thee go; I come from there, where I would fain return; Love moved me, which compelleth me to speak. When I shall be in presence of my Lord, Full often will I praise thee unto him.' Then paused she, and thereafter I began: Beatrice, you're super hot I cannot resist. I'll do whatever you say. Nobody else in heaven is as rad as you. I'll happily do whatever you want 80/It's a pleasure to please a lady like you Consider your every desire fulfilled But could you do the Macho one favor It's a lot of work you've asked me to do, So if you could snap into a Slim Jim that'd be rad.' 'Since thou wouldst fain so inwardly discern, Briefly will I relate,' she answered me, 'Why I am not afraid to enter here. Of those things only should one be afraid Which have the power of doing others harm; 90/Of the rest, no; because they are not fearful. God in his mercy such created me That misery of yours attains me not, Nor any flame assails me of this burning. A gentle Lady is in Heaven, who grieves At this impediment, to which I send thee, So that stern judgment there above is broken. In her entreaty she besought Lucia, And said, 'Thy faithful one now stands in need Of thee, and unto thee I recommend him.' 100/Lucia, foe of all that cruel is, Hastened away, and came unto the place Where I was sitting with the ancient Rachel. 'Beatrice' said she, 'the true praise of God, Why succourest thou not him, who loved thee so, For thee he issued from the vulgar herd? Dost thou not hear the pity of his plaint? Dost thou not see the death that combats him Beside that flood, where ocean has no vaunt?' Never were persons in the world so swift 110/To work their weal and to escape their woe, As I, after such words as these were uttered, Came hither downward from my blessed seat, Confiding in thy dignified discourse, Which honours thee, and those who've listened to it.' After she said all that stuff, She was crying, my pecs left her in awe; So I left before I could further blow her mind; And so I found you like she wanted; I totally rocked that wild monster, 120/That was blocking your climb up the mountain. So why is it you're being so lame? What is holding back your Macho Spirit? Why aren't you as cool as I am? Given that three hot chicks are waiting They're in Heaven right now watching the clock, You can trust my word on that my friend.' Even as the flowerets, by nocturnal chill, Bowed down and closed, when the sun whitens them, Uplift themselves all open on their stems; 130/Such I became with my exhausted strength, And such good courage to my heart there coursed, That I began, like an intrepid person: 'O she compassionate, who succoured me, And courteous thou, who hast obeyed so soon The words of truth which she addressed to thee! Thou hast my heart so with desire disposed To the adventure, with these words of thine, That to my first intent I have returned. Now go, for one sole will is in us both, 140/Thou Leader, and thou Lord, and Master thou.' Thus said I to him; and when he had moved, I entered on the deep and savage way. !CANTO III. Through me the way is to the city dolent; Through me the way is to eternal dole; Through me the way among the people lost. Justice incited my sublime Creator; Created me divine Omnipotence, The highest Wisdom and the primal Love. Before me there were no created things, Only eterne, and I eternal last. All hope abandon, ye who enter in!' 10/These words in sombre colour I beheld Written upon the summit of a gate; Whence I: 'Their sense is, Master, hard to me!' And he to me, as one experienced: 'Just don't be suspicious, lil' macho, If you're scared then you'll never make it. We're coming up to a lame-ass place Full of bummed-out sad people Who honestly are not the smartest.' And after he had laid his hand on mine 20/With joyful mien, whence I was comforted, He led me in among the secret things. There sighs, complaints, and ululations loud Resounded through the air without a star, Whence I, at the beginning, wept thereat. Languages diverse, horrible dialects, Accents of anger, words of agony, And voices high and hoarse, with sound of hands, Made up a tumult that goes whirling on For ever in that air for ever black, 30/Even as the sand doth, when the whirlwind breathes. And I, who had my head with horror bound, Said:'Master, what is this which now I hear? What folk is this, which seems by pain so vanquished?' And he to me: 'The way they whine And complain about being in pain Teminds them that they're in pain.  It's weird. They're basically just Angels who were selfish I dunno, they didn't go for God or Satan Mostly they just cared about themselves. 40/They got kicked out of heaven But Hell sure as hell won't take them, So really they're like angel hobos.' And I: 'O Master, what so grievous is To these, that maketh them lament so sore?' He answered: 'Alright, well in a nutshell. They can't evr hope to die, Their life as is ain't funky enough, So they just envy everybody else. They have no reputation at all; 50/Good folks and bad both hate them. So gawk if you want, but lets keep rolling.' And I, who looked again, beheld a banner, Which, whirling round, ran on so rapidly, That of all pause it seemed to me indignant; And after it there came so long a train Of people, that I ne'er would have believed That ever Death so many had undone. When some among them I had recognised. I looked, and I beheld the shade of him 60/Who made through cowardice the great refusal. Forthwith I comprehended, and was certain, That this the sect was of the caitiff wretches Hateful to God and to his enemies. These miscreants, who never were alive, Were naked, and were stung exceedingly By gadflies and by hornets that were there. These did their faces irrigate with blood, Which, with their tears commingled, at their feet By the disgusting worms was gathered up. 70/And when to gazing farther I betook me. People I saw on a great river's bank; Whence said I: ' Master, now vouchsafe to me, That I may know who these are, and what law Makes them appear so ready to pass over, As I discern athwart the dusky light.' And he to me: 'Jesus Christ dude You ask so many, TOO many questions Once we get to the river you'll see.' Then with mine eyes ashamed and downward cast, 80/Fearing my words might irksome be to him, From speech refrained I till we reached the river. And lo! towards us coming in a boat An old man, hoary with the hair of eld, Crying: ' Woe unto you, ye souls depraved Hope nevermore to look upon the heavens; I come to lead you to the other shore, To the eternal shades in heat and frost. And thou, that yonder standest, living soul, Withdraw thee from these people, who are dead- 90/But when he saw that I did not withdraw, He said:'By other ways, by other ports Thou to the shore shalt come, not here, for,passage; A lighter vessel needs must carry thee.' And unto him the Guide:'Vex thee not, Charon; It is so willed there where is power to do That which is willed; and farther question not.' There at were quieted the fleecy cheeks Of him the ferryman of the livid fen, Who round about his eyes had wheels of flame. 100/But all those souls who weary were and naked Their colour changed and gnashed their teeth together, As soon as they had heard those cruel words. God they blasphemed and their progenitors, The human race, the place, the time, the seed Of their engendering and of their birth! Thereafter all together they drew back, Bitterly weeping, to the accursed shore, Which waiteth every man who fears not God. Charon the demon, with the eyes of glede, 110/Beckoning to them, collects them all together, Beats with his oar whoever lags behind. As in the autumn-time the leaves fall off, First one and then another, till the branch Unto the earth surrenders all its spoils; In similar wise the evil seed of Adam Throw themselves from that margin one by one, At signals, as a bird unto its lure. So they depart across the dusky wave, And ere upon the other side they land, 120/Again on this side a new troop assembles. 'My son,'the courteous Master said to me, 'All those who perish in the wrath of God Here meet together out of every land; And ready are they to pass o'er the river, Because celestial Justice spurs them on, So that their fear is turned into desire. This way there never passes a good soul; And hence if Charon doth complain of thee Well mayst thou know now what his speech imports.' 130/This being finished, all the dusk champaign Trembled so violently, that of that terror The recollection bathes me still with sweat. The land of tears gave forth a blast of wind, And fulminated a vermilion light, 'Which overmastered in me every sense, And as a man whom sleep hath seized I fell. !CANTO IV. Broke the deep lethargy within my head A heavy thunder, so that I upstarted, Like to a person who by force is wakened; And round about I moved my rested eyes, Uprisen erect, and steadfastly I gazed, To recognise the place wherein I was. True is it, that upon the verge I found me Of the abysmal valley dolorous, That gathers thunder of infinite ululations. 10/Obscure, profound it was, and nebulous, So that by fixing on its depths my sight Nothing whatever I discerned therein. 'We're in space, and space is the place,' Began the Champ, pallid utterly; 'The madness is running wild, and so shall you.' And I, who of his colour was aware, Said: 'How shall I come, if thou art afraid, Who'rt wont to be a comfort to my fears?' And he to me: 'Let me tell you now a man 20/of my position can afford to look ridiculous at any time. Now let's go, follow the Nacho Man.' Thus he went in, and thus he made me enter The foremost circle that surrounds the abyss. There, as it seemed to me from listening, Were lamentations none, but only sighs, That tremble made the everlasting air. And this arose from sorrow without torment, Which the crowds had, that many were and great, 30/Of infants and of women and of men. To me the Master good: 'Why don't you ask Who these dead dudes you're looking at are? Let me tell you about these chumps, They didn't do anything really wrong, But they could not snap into a Slim Jim Because the Slim Jim had not yet been discovered; And if they were before Sim Jims, In the right manner they adored not jerkey; They never knew the breakfast of champions. 40/As a result, they can't go to heaven, I am here as well, mostly to mock them For I did not share my Slim Jims.' Great grief seized on my heart when this I heard, Because some people of much worthiness I knew, who in that Limbo were suspended. 'Tell me, my Master, tell me, thou my Lord,' Began I, with desire of being certain Of that Faith which o'ercometh every error, 'Came any one by his own merit hence, 50/Or by another's, who was blessed thereafter?' And he, who understood my covert speech, Replied: 'When I first got here, When from the sky a long-haired dude appeared, Almost as glorious as the Nacho Man himself. He grabbed some Bible dudes, I  think they were Abe and Abel and Noah's Ark but not Noah, I think Moses was there too?  It was rad. There were a bunch of others but honestly I can't be bothered to remember right now 60/It really isn't important Past, present, future, It's the best there is. Ohhhh yeah. And then that guy left and never came back.’ We ceased not to advance because he spake, But still were passing onward through the forest, The forest, say I, of thick-crowded ghosts. Not very far as yet our way had gone This side the summit, when I saw a fire That overcame a hemisphere of darkness. 70/We were a little distant from it still, But not so far that I in part discerned not That honourable people held that place. 'O thou who honourest every art and science, Who may these be, which such great honour have, That from the fashion of the rest it parts them?' And he to me: 'The honourable name, That sounds of them above there in thy life, Wins grace in Heaven, that so advances them.' In the mean time a voice was heard by me: 80/'All honour be to the pre-eminent Poet; His shade returns again, that was departed.' After the voice had ceased and quiet was, Four mighty shades I saw approaching us; Semblance had they nor sorrowful nor glad. To say to me began my gracious Champion: 'This is a Dude named Dante, and you know me, The one for whom the sky is the limit. That one is Andre, Wrestler sovereign; Next to him is Bubba Rogers, the satirist; 90/The third is Roddy, and the last is Albano. I knew these guys when I was alive We fought and laughed and ate delicious nachos, And now we chill for all eternity' Thus I beheld assemble the fair school Of that lord of the song pre-eminent, Who o'er the others like an eagle soars. When they together had discoursed somewhat, They turned to me with signs of salutation, And on beholding this, my Master smiled; 100/And more of honour still, much more, they did me, In that they made me one of their own band; So that the sixth was I, 'mid so much wit. Thus we went on as far as to the light, Things saying 'tis becoming to keep silent, As was the saying of them where I was. We came unto a noble castle's foot, Seven times encompassed with lofty walls, Defended round by a fair rivulet; This we passed over even as firm ground; 110/Through portals seven I entered with these Sages; We came into a meadow of fresh verdure. People were there with solemn eyes and slow, Of great authority in their countenance; They spake but seldom, and with gentle voices. Thus we withdrew ourselves upon one side Into an opening luminous and lofty, So that they all of them were visible. There opposite, upon the green enamel, Were pointed out to me the mighty spirits, 120/Whom to have seen I feel myself exalted. I saw Sid Vicious with companions many, 'Mongst whom I knew both Nash and Wright, Rodman in armour with gerfalcon eyes; I saw Miss Madness and Madusa On the other side, and saw Bret Hart, Who with Pillman his buddy sat; I saw that The Butcher who drove Sting forth, And many others who I did not know, And saw alone, apart, The Repo Man. 130/When I had lifted up my brows a little, The Master I beheld of those who know, Sit with his slamtastic family. All gaze upon him, and all do him honour. There I beheld both Doink and Crush, Who nearer him before the others stand; Diesel, who puts the world on chance, Bart Gunn, Shawn Michaels, and Lex Luger, Razor Ramon, Mr. Perfect, and Albano; Of qualities I saw the good collector, 140/The Valiant Brothers; and Steele saw I, Bobo Brazil and Ladd, and The Famous Moolah, Snuka, Arnold Skaaland, and Rodz, Kowalski, Patterson, and Morales, Gorilla Monsoon, who the worst announcer made. I cannot all of them pourtray in full, Because so drives me onward the long theme, That many times the word comes short of fact. The sixfold company in two divides; Another way my sapient Guide conducts me 150/Forth from the quiet to the air that trembles; And to a place I come where nothing shines. !CANTO V. Thus I descended out of the first circle Down to the second, that less space begirds, And so much greater dole, that goads to wailing. There standeth Minos horribly, and snarls; Examines the transgressions at the entrance; Judges, and sends according as he girds him. I say, that when the spirit evil-born Cometh before him, wholly it confesses; And this discriminator of transgressions 10/Seeth what place in Hell is meet for it; Girds himself with his tail as many times As grades he wishes it should be thrust down. Always before him many of them stand; They go by turns each one unto the judgment; They speak, and hear, and then are downward hurled. 'O thou, that to this dolorous hostelry Comest,' said Minos to me, when he saw me, Leaving the practice of so great an office, 'Look how thou enterest, and in whom thou trustest; 20/Let not the portal's amplitude deceive thee.' And unto him my Guide: 'Why criest thou too? Do not impede his journey fate-ordained; It is so willed there where is power to do That which is willed; and ask no further question.' And now begin the dolesome notes to grow Audible unto me; now am I come There where much lamentation strikes upon me. I came into a place mute of all light, Which bellows as the sea does in a tempest, 30/If by opposing winds 't is combated. The infernal hurricane that never rests Hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine; Whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. When they arrive before the precipice, There are the shrieks, the plaints, and the laments, There they blaspheme the puissance divine. I understood that unto such a torment The carnal malefactors were condemned, Who reason subjugate to appetite. 40/And as the wings of starlings bear them on In the cold season in large band and full, So doth that blast the spirits maledict; It hither, thither, downward, upward, drives them; No hope doth comfort them for evermore, Not of repose, but even of lesser pain. And as the cranes go chanting forth their lays, Making in air a long line of themselves, So saw I coming, uttering lamentations, Shadows borne onward by the aforesaid stress. 50/Whereupon said I: 'Master, who are those People, whom the black air so castigates?' 'Eh, you wouldn't know them really, They were not macho or rad,' then said he unto me, 'That lady was a real piece of work. She liked the men if you know what I mean She made all sex legal all the time, That way she could have all she liked. Her name is Semiramis, of Assyria And I'd like to _Syria_ her _Ass_ one day; 60/She was married to Ninus, a macho fellow. Over there is one you may know, She's hardcore, strapped asps to her tits; aka Cleopatra the voluptuous.' Helen I saw, for whom so many ruthless Seasons revolved; and saw the great Achilles, Who at the last hour combated with Love. Paris I saw, Tristan; and more than a thousand Shades did he name and point out with his finger, Whom Love had separated from our life. 70/After that I had listened to my Teacher, Naming the dames of eld and cavaliers, Pity prevailed, and I was nigh bewildered. And I began: 'O Poet, willingly Speak would I to those two, who go together, And seem upon the wind to be so light.' And, he to me: 'Cool your jets bro You can speak to them soon enough, soon enough They'll come to us looking for love.' Soon as the wind in our direction sways them, 80/My voice uplift I: 'O ye weary souls! Come speak to us, if no one interdicts it.' As turtle-doves, called onward by desire, With open and steady wings to the sweet nest Fly through the air by their volition borne, So came they from the band where Dido is, Approaching us athwart the air malign, So strong was the affectionate appeal. 'O living creature gracious and benignant, Who visiting goest through the purple air 90/Us, who have stained the world incarnadine, If were the King of the Universe our friend, We would pray unto him to give thee peace, Since thou hast pity on our woe perverse. Of what it pleases thee to hear and speak, That will we hear, and we will speak to you, While silent is the wind, as it is now. Sitteth the city, wherein I was born, Upon the sea-shore where the Po descends To rest in peace with all his retinue. 100/Love, that on gentle heart doth swiftly seize, Seized this man for the person beautiful That was ta'en from me, and still the mode offends me. Love, that exempts no one beloved from loving, Seized me with pleasure of this man so strongly, That, as thou seest, it doth not yet desert me; Love has conducted us unto one death; Caina waiteth him who quenched our life!' These words were borne along from them to us. As soon as I had heard those souls tormented, 110/I bowed my face, and so long held it down Until the Poet said to me: 'Whaddaya think?' When I made answer, I began: 'Alas! How many pleasant thoughts, how much desire, Conducted these unto the dolorous pass!' Then unto them I turned me, and I spake, And I began: 'Thine agonies, Francesca, Sad and compassionate to weeping make me. But tell me, at the time of those sweet sighs, By what and in what manner Love conceded, 120/That you should know your dubious desires?' And she to me: 'There is no greater sorrow Than to be mindful of the happy time In misery, and that thy Teacher knows. But, if to recognise the earliest root Of love in us thou hast so great desire, I will do even as he who weeps and speaks. One day we reading were for our delight Of Launcelot, how Love did him enthral. Alone we were and without any fear. 130/Full many a time our eyes together drew That reading, and drove the colour from our faces; But one point only was it that o'ercame us. When as we read of the much-longed-for smile Being by such a noble lover kissed, This one, who ne'er from me shall be divided, Kissed me upon the mouth all palpitating. Galeotto was the book and he who wrote it. That day no farther did we read therein.' And all the while one spirit uttered this, 140/The other one did weep so, that, for pity, I swooned away as if I had been dying, And fell, even as a dead body falls. !CANTO VI. At the return of consciousness, that closed Before the pity of those two relations, Which utterly with sadness had confused me, New torments I behold, and new tormented Around me, whichsoever way I move, And whichsoever way I turn, and gaze. In the third circle am I of the rain Eternal, maledict, and cold, and heavy; Its law and quality are never new. 10/Huge hail, and water sombre-hued, and snow, Athwart the tenebrous air pour down amain; Noisome the earth is, that receiveth this. Cerberus, monster cruel and uncouth, With his three gullets like a dog is barking Over the people that are there submerged. Red eyes he has, and unctuous beard and black, And belly large, and armed with claws his hands; He rends the spirits, flays, and quarters them. Howl the rain maketh them like unto dogs; 20/One side they make a shelter for the other; Oft turn themselves the wretched reprobates. When Cerberus perceived us, the great worm! His mouths he opened, and displayed his tusks; Not a limb had he that was motionless. And my Conductor, with his spans extended, Took of the earth, and with his fists well filled, He threw it into those rapacious gullets. Such as that dog is, who by barking craves, And quiet grows soon as his food he gnaws, 30/For to devour it he but thinks and struggles, The like became those muzzles filth-begrimed Of Cerberus the demon, who so thunders Over the souls that they would fain be deaf. We passed across the shadows, which subdues The heavy rain-storm, and we placed our feet Upon their vanity that person seems. They all were lying prone upon the earth, Excepting one, who sat upright as soon As he beheld us passing on before him. 40/'O thou that art conducted through this Hell,' He said to me, 'recall me, if thou canst; Thyself wast made before I was unmade.' And I to him: 'The anguish which thou hast Perhaps doth draw thee out of my remembrance, So that it seems not I have ever seen thee. But tell me who thou art, that in so doleful A place art put, and in such punishment, If some are greater, none is so displeasing.' And he to me: 'Thy city, which is full 50/Of envy so that now the sack runs over, Held me within it in the life serene. You citizens were wont to call me Ciacco; For the pernicious sin of gluttony I, as thou seest, am battered by this rain. And I, sad soul, am not the only one, For all these suffer the like penalty For the like sin;' and word no more spake he. I answered him: 'Ciacco, thy wretchedness Weighs on me so that it to weep invites me; 60/But tell me, if thou knowest, to what shall come The citizens of the divided city; If any there be just; and the occasion Tell me why so much discord has assailed it.' And he to me: 'They, after long contention, Will come to bloodshed; and the rustic party Will drive the other out with much offence. Then afterwards behoves it this one fall Within three suns, and rise again the other By force of him who now is on the coast. 70/High will it hold its forehead a long while, Keeping the other under heavy burdens, Howe'er it weeps thereat and is indignant. The just are two, and are not understood there; Envy and Arrogance and Avarice Are the three sparks that have all hearts enkindled.' Here ended he his tearful utterance; And I to him: 'I wish thee still to teach me, And make a gift to me of further speech. Farinata and Tegghiaio, once so worthy, 80/Jacopo Rusticucci, Arrigo, and Mosca, And others who on good deeds set their thoughts, Say where they are, and cause that I may know them; For great desire constraineth me to learn If Heaven doth sweeten them, or Hell envenom.' And he: 'They are among the blacker souls; A different sin downweighs them to the bottom; If thou so far descendest, thou canst see them. But when thou art again in the sweet world, I pray thee to the mind of others bring me; 90/No more I tell thee and no more I answer.' Then his straightforward eyes he turned askance, Eyed me a little, and then bowed his head; He fell therewith prone like the other blind. And the Guide said to me: 'He ain't getting up, Though apparently the bible says something about the end of days, so maybe then, I was never really much of a scholar, but I think it mentioned the dead rising, Or maybe that was just in Ghostbusters.' 100/So we passed onward o'er the filthy mixture Of shadows and of rain with footsteps slow, Touching a little on the future life. Wherefore I said: 'Master, these torments here, Will they increase after the mighty sentence, Or lesser be, or will they be as burning?' And he to me: 'Man do I look like a prohpet? Whatever is gonig to happen is going to happen, And I have no way of knowing which is which. These folks are trapped here forever 110/They can't get into heaven, so who cares? It's harsh, but that's how the chips fall.' Round in a circle by that road we went, Speaking much more, which I do not repeat; We came unto the point where the descent is; There we found Plutus the great enemy. !CANTO VII. 'Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!' Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began; And that benignant Sage, who all things knew, Said, to encourage me: 'Don't wig out, We are too macho for this jive turkey, He can't stop us entering the danger zone.' Then he turned round unto that bloated lip, And said: 'Shut up you freakshow; Why not eat yourself for a change? 10/We got a divine purpose, higher than Nachos; The big man upstairs sent us so beat it, We're soaring eagles, you are a slithering snake.' Even as the sails inflated by the wind Involved together fall when snaps the mast, So fell the cruel monster to the earth. Thus we descended into the fourth chasm, Gaining still farther on the dolesome shore Which all the woe of the universe insacks. Justice of God, ah! who heaps up so many 20/New toils and sufferings as I beheld? And why doth our transgression waste us so? As doth the billow there upon Charybdis, That breaks itself on that which it encounters, So here the folk must dance their roundelay. Here saw I people, more than elsewhere, many, On one side and the other, with great howls, Rolling weights forward by main force of chest. They clashed together, and then at that point Each one turned backward, rolling retrograde, 30/Crying, 'Why keepest?' and, 'Why squanderest thou?' Thus they returned along the lurid circle On either hand unto the opposite point, Shouting their shameful metre evermore. Then each, when he arrived there, wheeled about Through his half-circle to another joust; And I, who had my heart pierced as it were, Exclaimed: 'My Master, now declare to me What people these are, and if all were clerks, These shaven crowns upon the left of us.' 40/And he to me: 'I'll be frank with you dog, These were the dudes who loved money And let's be clear, I love money too. But these guys loved money too much, And like, not so much in a kinky way either, But instead they would hurt people to get money. You might see some churchy folks here Maybe even a pope or two, and learn: Even a priest can be a huge dick.' And I: 'My Master, among such as these 50/I ought forsooth to recognise some few, Who were infected with these maladies.' And he to me: 'I dunno man, it's sort of dark; And their dim view of compassion while alive Makes their forms sort of blurry.  It's weird. So now they're stuck here forever; Or until Electronic Arts publishes Dante's Inferno And they get some cameos in World 4. I really have no sympathy, neither should you, They took from others so now their souls are taken; 60/There's not much else to say on that matter. Let me ask you a question buddy, What do you do with your money? Your wealth? Are you stingy with it, or do you help others? Just remember these guys, or maybe Jacob Marley, Yeah that's right, I know some Dickens Even literature can be Macho at times.' 'Master,' I said to him, 'now tell me also What is this Fortune which thou speakest of, That has the world's goods so within its clutches?' 70/And he to me: 'Look idiot, Are you not listening or just being dense? Let me tell you from the beginning, then. God made everything, obviously, He made the sky, and the sun, and the stars, He made the Macho Man and tasty Nachos, And distributed these Nachos to all creation; Like a generous dude at a soup kitchen Where instead of soup they serve Nachos, But then people wanted MORE NACHOS, 80/And would fight over their cheesy goodness, Warm globes dripping from chips. So people would fight wars over these things And that is greed, my macho-in-training, I was trying to be poetical, it's a metaphor. And you can't fight greed, because it's nature; Greed controls the government and church Money is what drives corruption. But hey, this is super depressing; Did you like films by a guy named Herzog? 90/I just the other day watched one. I'm not one in general for art flicks, They're just not my speed, but let me say, I learned an astounding amount about rubber. Also, are you hot?  It's pretty hot; I get that this is part of the eternal torment thing But you'd think that greed's domain would be cooler. Like, coins are made of metal, and cool to touch; But now I'm rambling, let us press forward I... I just was getting a little bored.' 100/We crossed the circle to the other bank, Near to a fount that boils, and pours itself Along a gully that runs out of it. The water was more sombre far than perse; And we, in company with the dusky waves, Made entrance downward by a path uncouth. A marsh it makes, which has the name of Styx, This tristful brooklet, when it has descended Down to the foot of the malign gray shores. And I, who stood intent upon beholding, 110/Saw people mud-besprent in that lagoon, All of them naked and with angry look. They smote each other not alone with hands, But with the head and with the breast and feet, Tearing each other piecemeal with their teeth. Said the good Master: 'What you're looking at Is those folks who were consumed with anger; REAL anger, not like we pretend in the ring Their anger is so blazing hot that even now It makes the very water down there bubble. 120/They writhe and spin and boil themselves. In this jacuzzi, they whine about their lot They can't take the heat, and unfortunately, They are not allowed to get out of the kitchen; So they sing a sad song. I don't know all the words, but it boils down to, 'Boy it's hot and we are sad, so sad, so sad.'' Thus we went circling round the filthy fen A great arc 'twixt the dry bank and the swamp, With eyes turned unto those who gorge the mire; 130/Unto the foot of a tower we came at last. !CANTO VIII. I say, continuing, that long before We to the foot of that high tower had come, Our eyes went upward to the summit of it, By reason of two flamelets we saw placed there, And from afar another answer them, So far, that hardly could the eye attain it. And, to the sea of all discernment turned, I said: 'What sayeth this, and what respondeth That other fire? and who are they that made it?' 10/And he to me: 'If you look out over the waves I figure you'll see what's going on If the view is clear, in any case.' Cord never shot an arrow from itself That sped away athwart the air so swift, As I beheld a very little boat Come o'er the water tow'rds us at that moment, Under the guidance of a single pilot, Who shouted, 'Now art thou arrived, fell soul?' 'Phlegyas, Phlegyas, thou criest out in vain 20/For this once,' said my Lord; 'thou shalt not have us Longer than in the passing of the slough.' As he who listens to some great deceit That has been done to him, and then resents it, Such became Phlegyas, in his gathered wrath. My Guide descended down into the boat, And then he made me enter after him, And only when I entered seemed it laden. Soon as the Guide and I were in the boat, The antique prow goes on its way, dividing 30/More of the water than 'tis wont with others. While we were running through the dead canal, Uprose in front of me one full of mire, And said, 'Who 'rt thou that comest ere the hour?' And I to him: 'Although I come, I stay not; But who art thou that hast become so squalid?' 'Thou seest that I am one who weeps,' he answered. And I to him: 'With weeping and with wailing, Thou spirit maledict, do thou remain; For thee I know, though thou art all defiled.' 40/Then stretched he both his hands unto the boat; Whereat my wary Master thrust him back, Saying, 'You stay in your place or I will end you.' Thereafter with his arms he clasped my neck; He kissed my face, and said: 'Disdainful soul, Blessed be she who bore thee in her bosom. That was an arrogant person in the world; Goodness is none, that decks his memory; So likewise here his shade is furious. How many are esteemed great kings up there, 50/Who here shall be like unto swine in mire, Leaving behind them horrible dispraises!' And I: 'My Master, much should I be pleased, If I could see him soused into this broth, Before we issue forth out of the lake.' And he to me: 'Just be patient man, We'll get there soon enough, you're like a child; Asking 'are we there yet' from the backseat.' A little after that, I saw such havoc Made of him by the people of the mire, 60/That still I praise and thank my God for it. They all were shouting, 'At Philippo Argenti!' And that exasperate spirit Florentine Turned round upon himself with his own teeth. We left him there, and more of him I tell not; But on mine ears there smote a lamentation, Whence forward I intent unbar mine eyes. And the good Master said: 'See that place? Dis city here is called Dis, get me? The people who live there are not macho.' 70/And I: 'Its mosques already, Master, clearly Within there in the valley I discern Vermilion, as if issuing from the fire They were.'  And he to me: 'You're in Hell, And given that Hell is both full of and on fire, That red stuff you see is... fire, idiot.' Then we arrived within the moats profound, That circumvallate that disconsolate city; The walls appeared to me to be of iron. Not without making first a circuit wide, 80/We came unto a place where loud the pilot Cried out to us, 'Debark, here is the entrance.' More than a thousand at the gates I saw Out of the Heavens rained down, who angrily Were saying, 'Who is this that without death Goes through the kingdom of the people dead?' And my sagacious Master made a sign Of wishing secretly to speak with them. A little then they quelled their great disdain, And said: 'Come thou alone, and he begone 90/Who has so boldly entered these dominions. Let him return alone by his mad road; Try, if he can; for thou shalt here remain, Who hast escorted him through such dark regions.' Think, Reader, if I was discomforted At utterance of the accursed words; For never to return here I believed. 'O my dear Guide, who more than seven times Hast rendered me security, and drawn me From imminent peril that before me stood, 100/Do not desert me,' said I, 'thus undone; And if the going farther be denied us, Let us retrace our steps together swiftly.' And that Lord, who had led me thitherward, Said unto me: 'Don't worry, I got you. God sent us so they can't refuse us. So just sit tight, watch the Macho Magic, Take a load off those barking dogs; I won't abandon you even if you're annoying.' So onward goes and there abandons me 110/My Father sweet, and I remain in doubt, For No and Yes within my head contend. I could not hear what he proposed to them; But with them there he did not linger long, Ere each within in rivalry ran back. They closed the portals, those our adversaries, On my Lord's breast, who had remained without And turned to me with footsteps far between. His eyes cast down, his forehead shorn had he Of all its boldness, and he said, with sighs, 120/'Who is it that has refused to let us in?' And unto me: 'I'm really angry now, But don't worry, I can still handle this, Their defenses are basically worthless. They're just acting tough, but it's no use; There's more than one way to skin a cat, And more than one way to enter into Dis. Look around for a stick, or maybe a bomb; We're going to knock these walls down, And march over the corpses of these demons, 130/That is how the city shall be opened.' !CANTO IX. That hue which cowardice brought out on me, Beholding my Conductor backward turn, Sooner repressed within him his new colour. He stopped attentive, like a man who listens, Because the eye could not conduct him far Through the black air, and through the heavy fog. 'We probably should win this fight,' Began he; 'or else, uh. . . Let's just not think about that!' 10/Well I perceived, as soon as the beginning He covered up with what came afterward, That they were words quite different from the first; But none the less his saying gave me fear, Because I carried out the broken phrase, Perhaps to a worse meaning than he had. 'Into this bottom of the doleful conch Doth any e'er descend from the first grade, Which for its pain has only hope cut off?' This question put I; and he answered me: 20/'Nobody really comes this way, So honestly it's really hard to say. A while back I was summoned here By some shitty wizard named Eric, Who necromancy'd me against my will. Though I hadn't been dead for very long, He sent me on a bogus quest for nachos, literal nachos, not some catchphrase joke; Down there into the lowest circle of all, The furthest from heaven you can get. 30/Anyway, that's where we're going. The swamp that we're in now, Is entirely surrounding the city, Remember, the one we can't get into.' And more he said, but not in mind I have it; Because mine eye had altogether drawn me Tow'rds the high tower with the red-flaming summit, Where in a moment saw I swift uprisen The three infernal Furies stained with blood, Who had the limbs of women and their mien, 40/And with the greenest hydras were begirt; Small serpents and cerastes were their tresses, Wherewith their horrid temples were entwined. And he who well the handmaids of the Queen Of everlasting lamentation knew, Said unto me: 'Check out those bird-ladies. On the left is one named Ozzy; On the right we have one named Flea; And in the middle Slash;' and then was silent. Each one her breast was rending with her nails; 50/They beat them with their palms, and cried so loud, That I for dread pressed close unto the Poet. 'Medusa come, so we to stone will change him!' All shouted looking down; 'in evil hour Avenged we not on Theseus his assault!' 'Oh yeah, you know about Medusa right? Just close your eyes, bumble around blindly, Because if you see her it's game over, man.' Thus said the Master; and he turned me round Himself, and trusted not unto my hands 60/So far as not to blind me with his own. O ye who have undistempered intellects, Observe the doctrine that conceals itself Beneath the veil of the mysterious verses! And now there came across the turbid waves The clangour of a sound with terror fraught, Because of which both of the margins trembled; Not otherwise it was than of a wind Impetuous on account of adverse heats, That smites the forest, and, without restraint, 70/The branches rends, beats down, and bears away; Right onward, laden with dust, it goes superb, And puts to flight the wild beasts and the shepherds. Mine eyes he loosed, and said: 'Yo, look over there that foamy bit down the river can you see? Over there where it's super smokey.' Even as the frogs before the hostile serpent Across the water scatter all abroad, Until each one is huddled in the earth. More than a thousand ruined souls I saw, 80/Thus fleeing from before one who on foot Was passing o'er the Styx with soles unwet. From off his face he fanned that unctuous air, Waving his left hand oft in front of him, And only with that anguish seemed he weary. Well I perceived one sent from Heaven was he, And to the Master turned; and he made sign That I should quiet stand, and bow before him. Ah! how disdainful he appeared to me! He reached the gate, and with a little rod 90/He opened it, for there was no resistance. 'Hey all you hated people who couldn't get into heaven!' Thus he began upon the horrid threshold; 'What makes you act so arrogant? Don't you know you should be humble, Isn't bad behavior what placed you here? Don't you ever learn that being bad is bad? You know that struggling is pointless right? It's literally impossible to escape from Hell, So why not chill, shoot some hoops or something?' 100/Then he returned along the miry road, And spake no word to us, but had the look Of one whom other care constrains and goads Than that of him who in his presence is; And we our feet directed tow'rds the city, After those holy words all confident. Within we entered without any contest; And I, who inclination had to see What the condition such a fortress holds, Soon as I was within, cast round mine eye, 110/And see on every hand an ample plain, Full of distress and torment terrible. Even as at Arles, where stagnant grows the Rhone, Even as at Pola near to the Quarnaro, That shuts in Italy and bathes its borders, The sepulchres make all the place uneven; So likewise did they there on every side, Saving that there the manner was more bitter; For flames between the sepulchres were scattered, By which they so intensely heated were, 120/That iron more so asks not any art. All of their coverings uplifted were, And from them issued forth such dire laments, Sooth seemed they of the wretched and tormented. And I: 'My Master, what are all those people Who, having sepulture within those tombs, Make themselves audible by doleful sighs?' And he to me: 'Those are the Heresiarchs, And their disciples, dressed in pink. A bunch more are napping in the crypts. 130/A lot of folks here spent their time sleeping; It's awfully hot and it helps to pass the time.' And when he to the right had turned, we passed Between the torments and high parapets. !CANTO X. Now onward goes, along a narrow path Between the torments and the city wall, My Master, and I follow at his back. 'O power supreme, that through these impious circles Turnest me,' I began, 'as pleases thee, Speak to me, and my longings satisfy; The people who are lying in these tombs, Might they be seen? already are uplifted The covers all, and no one keepeth guard.' 10/And he to me: 'Everything will close. Remember the Book of Revelations? The dead are going to rise someday. The seas will churn, and turn to blood Like some heavy metal album cover, There's a dragon too, it's awesome; But as for your question right now, You'll see the answer soon enough, And wish you hadn't asked at all.' And I: 'Good Leader, I but keep concealed 20/From thee my heart, that I may speak the less, Nor only now hast thou thereto disposed me.' 'Buddy, we went through a flaming city. You made it through alive, no mean feat. So chill a bit, and see what is coming up. I can tell by the way that you talk That you and I share a fatherland, and maybe I've razzed you a bit too much.' Upon a sudden issued forth this sound From out one of the tombs; wherefore I pressed, 30/Fearing, a little nearer to my Leader. And unto me he said: 'What are you doing? Look over there at Farinata the zombie; Sticking out from the waist up.' I had already fixed mine eyes on his, And he uprose erect with breast and front E'en as if Hell he had in great despite. And with courageous hands and prompt my Leader Thrust me between the sepulchres towards him, Exclaiming, 'Go talk to him dude!' 40/As soon as I was at the foot of his tomb Somewhat he eyed me, and, as if disdainful, Then asked of me, 'Who were thine ancestors?' I, who desirous of obeying was, Concealed it not, but all revealed to him; Whereat he raised his brows a little upward. Then said he: 'Fiercely adverse have they been To me, and to my fathers, and my party; So that two several times I scattered them.' 'If they were banished, they returned on all sides,' 50/I answered him, 'the first time and the second; But yours have not acquired that art aright.' Then there uprose upon the sight, uncovered Down to the chin, a shadow at his side; I think that he had risen on his knees. Round me he gazed, as if solicitude He had to see if some one else were with me, But after his suspicion was all spent, Weeping, he said to me: 'If through this blind Prison thou goest by loftiness of genius, 60/Where is my son? and why is he not with thee?' And I to him: 'I come not of myself; He who is waiting yonder leads me here, Whom in disdain perhaps your Guido had.' His language and the mode of punishment Already unto me had read his name; On that account my answer was so full. Up starting suddenly, he cried out: 'How Saidst thou,--he had?  Is he not still alive? Does not the sweet light strike upon his eyes?' 70/When he became aware of some delay, Which I before my answer made, supine He fell again, and forth appeared no more. But the other, magnanimous, at whose desire I had remained, did not his aspect change, Neither his neck he moved, nor bent his side. 'And if,' continuing his first discourse, 'They have that art,' he said, 'not learned aright, That more tormenteth me, than doth this bed. But fifty times shall not rekindled be 80/The countenance of the Lady who reigns here, Ere thou shalt know how heavy is that art; And as thou wouldst to the sweet world return, Say why that people is so pitiless Against my race in each one of its laws?' Whence I to him: 'The slaughter and great carnage Which have with crimson stained the Arbia, cause Such orisons in our temple to be made.' After his head he with a sigh had shaken, 'There I was not alone,' he said, 'nor surely 90/Without a cause had with the others moved. But there I was alone, where every one Consented to the laying waste of Florence, He who defended her with open face.' 'Ah! so hereafter may your seed repose,' I him entreated, 'solve for me that knot, Which has entangled my conceptions here. It seems that you can see, if I hear rightly, Beforehand whatsoe'er time brings with it, And in the present have another mode.' 100/'We see, like those who have imperfect sight, The things,' he said, 'that distant are from us; So much still shines on us the Sovereign Ruler. When they draw near, or are, is wholly vain Our intellect, and if none brings it to us, Not anything know we of your human state. Hence thou canst understand, that wholly dead Will be our knowledge from the moment when The portal of the future shall be closed.' Then I, as if compunctious for my fault, 110/Said: 'Now, then, you will tell that fallen one, That still his son is with the living joined. And if just now, in answering, I was dumb, Tell him I did it because I was thinking Already of the error you have solved me.' And now my Master was recalling me, Wherefore more eagerly I prayed the spirit That he would tell me who was with him there. He said: 'With more than a thousand here I lie; Within here is the second Frederick, 120/And the Cardinal, and of the rest I speak not.' Thereon he hid himself; and I towards The ancient poet turned my steps, reflecting Upon that saying, which seemed hostile to me. He moved along; and afterward thus going, He said to me, 'Why are you confused?' And I in his inquiry satisfied him. 'Let your experience here help you, against yourself,' that Sage commanded me, 'And now listen up;' and he raised his finger. 130/'When we finally reach your hot mama That lady so fine that the angels swoon, From her you'll learn all about your own life.' Unto the left hand then he turned his feet; We left the wall, and went towards the middle, Along a path that strikes into a valley, Which even up there unpleasant made its stench. !CANTO XI. Upon the margin of a lofty bank Which great rocks broken in a circle made, We came upon a still more cruel throng; And there, by reason of the horrible Excess of stench the deep abyss throws out, We drew ourselves aside behind the cover Of a great tomb, whereon I saw a writing, Which said: 'Pope Anastasius I hold, Whom out of the right way Photinus drew.' 10/'Now's the time to take it slow, It's not very macho, but so it goes Otherwise we may fall and look silly.' The Master thus; and unto him I said, 'Some compensation find, that the time pass not Idly;' and he: 'You really know nothing. Check out these rocks here, they're gnarly,' Began he then to say, 'inside are three small circles, Sort of like the circles that we're leaving now. They're full of damned souls of course; 20/And soon enough you'll see for youself, And hear their super annoying LAME-O whining. They've done basically every bad thing, You name it and they've done it probably, They lie and cheat and steal and sing. The ones up here in particular are the liars, Only humans lie so God hates liars the most, It's one of the least macho things you can do. The first circle was the violent of course; But lots of creatures can hit a dude, 30/Heck even I, the Nacho Man, have done so. And God himself uses force on stuff, Smiting a particularly sinful tree, Hurling a lightning bolt and a crab. You can die by violence, or kill, Or do all sorts of gnarly things to a guy Ruin, and arson, and straight-up punching; Homicide, patricide, fratricide, and so forth, Marauders, and freebooters, everything, They're all condemned to one circle or another. 40/Heck you can even inflict violence on yourself In more ways than one if you know what I mean And that might get you punished as well Basically never lay a hand on anybody Without their consent, or permission, Otherwise maybe you'll burn forever. Violence can even be done to God, Saying rude stuff about him, calling names, Littering or messing up nature. In fact, by some measure it can be said 50/Literally any action is violent to somebody, But liars do violence with words alone. That is why those who commit fraud, Those who decieve and hoodwink others, Are probably folks you should not trust. They have cut themselves off from the macho, Nature abhors their cunning ways. The second circle is similar of course, Hypocrisy, flattery, and sweet wizards, Falsification, theft, and puppyhaters, 60/Panders, and barrators, and the like filth. They've forgotten things to love in life, Nature's bounty, a plate of nachos, All good things from which rad feelings flow. But it is in this circle, the smallest part Of the Universe, where Dis is located, That the betrayers and backstabbers are.' And I: 'My Master, clear enough proceeds Thy reasoning, and full well distinguishes This cavern and the people who possess it. 70/But tell me, those within the fat lagoon, Whom the wind drives, and whom the rain doth beat, And who encounter with such bitter tongues, Wherefore are they inside of the red city Not punished, if God has them in his wrath, And if he has not, wherefore in such fashion?' And unto me he said: 'Come on bro, Why do you keep asking these things? Were you not listening to me at all? Don't you have any memory whatsoever 80/Of all the unethical things that exist and which heaven itself hold as uncool?-- Incontinence, and Malice, and insane Bestiality? and how Incontinence Makes you smell bad, and makes a big mess? If you think about it for a second, And remember who are trapped in this place Those doing penance for their misdeeds, Surely you'll understand why they're apart Why their sentences are slightly less painful 90/How Justice has seen to show a bit of mercy.' 'Praise the sun!  For it shines upon those, Whom you claim to be confused by, no doubt Having not even bothered to look behind us! Once more a little backward turn thee,' said I, 'There where thou sayest that usury offends Goodness divine, and disengage the knot.' 'Think about it,' he said, 'Use your head, Consider the ways in which one might sin, And how Nature might deal with you, 100/There are a few types of sins; Did you ever have physics in school, And looking through a lame-o textbook, Determine that everything you knew Was total bogus, entirely worthless; Such that you just dropped the class? Try and stir up that feeling Only think about, I dunno, Eden, The sort of sins that were commited; And whether or not blame is assigned, 110/Or maybe like, read Paradise Lost? It's written a few centuries after you die. Anyway, we don't have all day, We don't need to move slowly anymore, So let's pick up the pace a bit, yes? Let's do a sweet trick off this crag here.' !CANTO XII. The place where to descend the bank we came Was alpine, and from what was there, moreover, Of such a kind that every eye would shun it. Such as that ruin is which in the flank Smote, on this side of Trent, the Adige, Either by earthquake or by failing stay, For from the mountain's top, from which it moved, Unto the plain the cliff is shattered so, Some path 'twould give to him who was above; 10/Even such was the descent of that ravine, And on the border of the broken chasm The infamy of Crete was stretched along, Who was conceived in the fictitious cow; And when he us beheld, he bit himself, Even as one whom anger racks within. My Sage towards him shouted: 'Is it possible That you think the Duke of Athens is here, Who killed you right good long ago? Get your ugly self out of here, loser. 20/Else I say something rude about your sister And then I'll point and laugh at you.' As is that bull who breaks loose at the moment In which he has received the mortal blow, Who cannot walk, but staggers here and there, The Minotaur beheld I do the like; And he, the wary, cried: 'Run to the passage; While he wroth, 'tis well thou shouldst descend.' Thus down we took our way o'er that discharge Of stones, which oftentimes did move themselves 30/Beneath my feet, from the unwonted burden. Thoughtful I went; and he said: 'You're thinking About how I totally owned that stupid bullman And how he ran crying before my machoness. Let me tell you this: the last time I came through this part of Hell, This bit hadn't collapsed yet. And I saw the minotaur dressed up nicely Leaving his day job in Dis, coming home Ready to spend the evening with his family, 40/And I thought maybe he's just like us Just doing his day job being an evil demon And comes home to a loving household at night But then I realize no that's stupid; He's a crazy bullman with doofy cow horns And basically nothing makes that not awful. Anyway, look at that sweet river down there, It's a river of blood! Super macho! The folks swimming in it hurt other people.' O blind cupidity, O wrath insane, 50/That spurs us onward so in our short life, And in the eternal then so badly steeps us! I saw an ample moat bent like a bow, As one which all the plain encompasses, Conformable to what my Guide had said. And between this and the embankment's foot Centaurs in file were running, armed with arrows, As in the world they used the chase to follow. Beholding us descend, each one stood still, And from the squadron three detached themselves, 60/With bows and arrows in advance selected; And from afar one cried: 'Unto what torment Come ye, who down the hillside are descending? Tell us from there; if not, I draw the bow.' My Master said: 'We ain't telling you nothin' We talk to Chrion and nobody but him. Cry about if if you can't handle it.' Then touched he me, and said: 'That guy is Nessus, Who died for the lovely Dejanira, And took some really gnarly revenge. 70/And over there through the blood-mist, You can see Chiron; who trained Achilles And Pholus who is known for his bad temper. Thousands of demons stand around the river Any time a soul tries to escape the blood They plug him full of arrows! Ka-pow! Wham!' Near we approached unto those monsters fleet; Chiron an arrow took, and with the notch Backward upon his jaws he put his beard. After he had uncovered his great mouth, 80/He said to his companions: 'Are you ware That he behind moveth whate'er he touches? Thus are not wont to do the feet of dead men.' And my good Guide, who now was at his breast, Where the two natures are together joined, Replied: 'He's alive, it is true And it is my job to take him through Hell. This is no pleasure cruise let me tell you. We're on a mission from God, as it were, I've got this task direct rom upstairs; 90/So we're just going to keep on rolling. But while I have your attention, let me ask Given the macho nature of our mission, And the fact that we have to get through, Could you lend us one of your centaurs, Who can let us ride on his back; This guy isn't a ghost and can't float.' Upon his right breast Chiron wheeled about, And said to Nessus: 'Turn and do thou guide them, And warn aside, if other band may meet you.' 100/We with our faithful escort onward moved Along the brink of the vermilion boiling, Wherein the boiled were uttering loud laments. People I saw within up to the eyebrows, And the great Centaur said: 'Tyrants are these, Who dealt in bloodshed and in pillaging. Here they lament their pitiless mischiefs; here Is Alexander, and fierce Dionysius Who upon Sicily brought dolorous years. That forehead there which has the hair so black 110/Is Azzolin; and the other who is blond, Obizzo is of Esti, who, in truth, Up in the world was by his stepson slain.' Then turned I to the Poet; and he said, 'I have no idea what any of that meant.' A little farther on the Centaur stopped Above a folk, who far down as the throat Seemed from that boiling stream to issue forth. A shade he showed us on one side alone, Saying: 'He cleft asunder in God's bosom 120/The heart that still upon the Thames is honoured.' Then people saw I, who from out the river Lifted their heads and also all the chest; And many among these I recognised. Thus ever more and more grew shallower That blood, so that the feet alone it covered; And there across the moat our passage was. 'Even as thou here upon this side beholdest The boiling stream, that aye diminishes,' The Centaur said, 'I wish thee to believe 130/That on this other more and more declines Its bed, until it reunites itself Where it behoveth tyranny to groan. Justice divine, upon this side, is goading That Attila, who was a scourge on earth, And Pyrrhus, and Sextus; and for ever milks The tears which with the boiling it unseals In Rinier da Corneto and Rinier Pazzo, Who made upon the highways so much war.' Then back he turned, and passed again the ford. !CANTO XIII. Not yet had Nessus reached the other side, When we had put ourselves within a wood, That was not marked by any path whatever. Not foliage green, but of a dusky colour, Not branches smooth, but gnarled and intertangled, Not apple-trees were there, but thorns with poison. Such tangled thickets have not, nor so dense, Those savage wild beasts, that in hatred hold 'Twixt Cecina and Corneto the tilled places. 10/There do the hideous Harpies make their nests, Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades, With sad announcement of impending doom; Broad wings have they, and necks and faces human, And feet with claws, and their great bellies fledged; They make laments upon the wondrous trees. And the good Master: 'Before we go further, I want to let you know we're in the second round,' Thus he began to say, 'and will be, until We get to the Beach of Gross Sand Crud; 20/As we go, look to your sides and you'll see The proof, if you doubt my macho words.' I heard on all sides lamentations uttered, And person none beheld I who might make them, Whence, utterly bewildered, I stood still. I think he thought that I perhaps might think So many voices issued through those trunks From people who concealed themselves from us; Therefore the Master said: 'Why not break off A little bit of a tree to satisfy yourself? 30/Plants don't feel pain, right?  Probably.' Then stretched I forth my hand a little forward, And plucked a branchlet off from a great thorn; And the trunk cried, 'Why dost thou mangle me?' After it had become embrowned with blood, It recommenced its cry: 'Why dost thou rend me? Hast thou no spirit of pity whatsoever? Men once we were, and now are changed to trees; Indeed, thy hand should be more pitiful, Even if the souls of serpents we had been.' 40/As out of a green brand, that is on fire At one of the ends, and from the other drips And hisses with the wind that is escaping; So from that splinter issued forth together Both words and blood; whereat I let the tip Fall, and stood like a man who is afraid. 'Oh man, you fell for it, what a dope!' My Sage made answer, 'Hey tree buddy, This joker has no idea where he is, And so I decided to prank him at your expense; 50/Sorry 'bout that, but it was SO MACHO! Why don't you tell him who you are? That way when he leaves for the living world, Maybe he can tell your ex-wife or something That he saw you here, and she'll laugh.' And the trunk said: 'So thy sweet words allure me, I cannot silent be; and you be vexed not, That I a little to discourse am tempted. I am the one who both keys had in keeping Of Frederick's heart, and turned them to and fro 60/So softly in unlocking and in locking, That from his secrets most men I withheld; Fidelity I bore the glorious office So great, I lost thereby my sleep and pulses. The courtesan who never from the dwelling Of Caesar turned aside her strumpet eyes, Death universal and the vice of courts, Inflamed against me all the other minds, And they, inflamed, did so inflame Augustus, That my glad honours turned to dismal mournings. 70/My spirit, in disdainful exultation, Thinking by dying to escape disdain, Made me unjust against myself, the just. I, by the roots unwonted of this wood, Do swear to you that never broke I faith Unto my lord, who was so worthy of honour; And to the world if one of you return, Let him my memory comfort, which is lying Still prostrate from the blow that envy dealt it.' Waited awhile, and then: 'If you want to know more,' 80/The Poet said to me, 'don't waste time, We don't have all day so ask him now.' Whence I to him: 'Do thou again inquire Concerning what thou thinks't will satisfy me; For I cannot, such pity is in my heart.' Therefore he recommenced: 'So may the man Do for thee freely what thy speech implores, Spirit incarcerate, again be pleased To tell us in what way the soul is bound Within these knots; and tell us, if thou canst, 90/If any from such members e'er is freed.' Then blew the trunk amain, and afterward The wind was into such a voice converted: 'With brevity shall be replied to you. When the exasperated soul abandons The body whence it rent itself away, Minos consigns it to the seventh abyss. It falls into the forest, and no part Is chosen for it; but where Fortune hurls it, There like a grain of spelt it germinates. 100/It springs a sapling, and a forest tree; The Harpies, feeding then upon its leaves, Do pain create, and for the pain an outlet. Like others for our spoils shall we return; But not that any one may them revest, For 'tis not just to have what one casts off. Here we shall drag them, and along the dismal Forest our bodies shall suspended be, Each to the thorn of his molested shade.' We were attentive still unto the trunk, 110/Thinking that more it yet might wish to tell us, When by a tumult we were overtaken, In the same way as he is who perceives The boar and chase approaching to his stand, Who hears the crashing of the beasts and branches; And two behold! upon our left-hand side, Naked and scratched, fleeing so furiously, That of the forest, every fan they broke. He who was in advance: 'Now help, Death, help!' And the other one, who seemed to lag too much, 120/Was shouting: 'Lano, were not so alert Those legs of thine at joustings of the Toppo!' And then, perchance because his breath was failing, He grouped himself together with a bush. Behind them was the forest full of black She-mastiffs, ravenous, and swift of foot As greyhounds, who are issuing from the chain. On him who had crouched down they set their teeth, And him they lacerated piece by piece, Thereafter bore away those aching members. 130/Thereat my Escort took me by the hand, And led me to the bush, that all in vain Was weeping from its bloody lacerations. 'O Jacopo,' it said, 'of Sant' Andrea, What helped it thee of me to make a screen? What blame have I in thy nefarious life?' When near him had the Master stayed his steps, He said: 'Hey Bush Buddy, tell us a story What was your life like?  We're curious.' And he to us: 'O souls, that hither come 140/To look upon the shameful massacre That has so rent away from me my leaves, Gather them up beneath the dismal bush; I of that city was which to the Baptist Changed its first patron, wherefore he for this Forever with his art will make it sad. And were it not that on the pass of Arno Some glimpses of him are remaining still, Those citizens, who afterwards rebuilt it Upon the ashes left by Attila, 150/In vain had caused their labour to be done. Of my own house I made myself a gibbet.' !CANTO XIV. Because the charity of my native place Constrained me, gathered I the scattered leaves, And gave them back to him, who now was hoarse. Then came we to the confine, where disparted The second round is from the third, and where A horrible form of Justice is beheld. Clearly to manifest these novel things, I say that we arrived upon a plain, Which from its bed rejecteth every plant; 10/The dolorous forest is a garland to it All round about, as the sad moat to that; There close upon the edge we stayed our feet. The soil was of an arid and thick sand, Not of another fashion made than that Which by the feet of Cato once was pressed. Vengeance of God, O how much oughtest thou By each one to be dreaded, who doth read That which was manifest unto mine eyes! Of naked souls beheld I many herds, 20/Who all were weeping very miserably, And over them seemed set a law diverse. Supine upon the ground some folk were lying; And some were sitting all drawn up together, And others went about continually. Those who were going round were far the more, And those were less who lay down to their torment, But had their tongues more loosed to lamentation. O'er all the sand-waste, with a gradual fall, Were raining down dilated flakes of fire, 30/As of the snow on Alp without a wind. As Alexander, in those torrid parts Of India, beheld upon his host Flames fall unbroken till they reached the ground. Whence he provided with his phalanxes To trample down the soil, because the vapour Better extinguished was while it was single; Thus was descending the eternal heat, Whereby the sand was set on fire, like tinder Beneath the steel, for doubling of the dole. 40/Without repose forever was the dance Of miserable hands, now there, now here, Shaking away from off them the fresh gleeds. 'Master,' began I, 'thou who overcomest All things except the demons dire, that issued Against us at the entrance of the gate, Who is that mighty one who seems to heed not The fire, and lieth lowering and disdainful, So that the rain seems not to ripen him?' And he himself, who had become aware 50/That I was questioning my Guide about him, Cried: 'Such as I was living, am I, dead. If Jove should weary out his smith, from whom He seized in anger the sharp thunderbolt, Wherewith upon the last day I was smitten, And if he wearied out by turns the others In Mongibello at the swarthy forge, Vociferating, 'Help, good Vulcan, help!' Even as he did there at the fight of Phlegra, And shot his bolts at me with all his might, 60/He would not have thereby a joyous vengeance.' Then did my Leader speak with such great force, That I had never heard him speak so loud: 'Yo Capaneus, aren't you aware that Your arrogance increases your punishment;? The only thing making you miserable, Is yourself.  Chill out bro!' Then he turned round to me with better lip, Saying: 'This un-macho rage man here Was one of seven kings who beseged Thebes 70/And also he seems to hate God for some reason; The only reason he's here is his doing If he calmed down he could walk on out. Now follow me, but step lightly here Don't let your feet touch the grody sand, Stay close to the woods, understand?' Speaking no word, we came to where there gushes Forth from the wood a little rivulet, Whose redness makes my hair still stand on end. As from the Bulicame springs the brooklet, 80/The sinful women later share among them, So downward through the sand it went its way. The bottom of it, and both sloping banks, Were made of stone, and the margins at the side; Whence I perceived that there the passage was. 'Out of everything we've seen so far Since we began this hellish vacation Has been pretty gnarly, you'll agree But feast your eyes on this fire-water Nothing is as rad as this here river, 90/With the flames dancing on the surface.' These words were of my Leader; whence I prayed him That he would give me largess of the food, For which he had given me largess of desire. 'Back on Earth there is this island,' Said he thereafterward, 'It's called Crete, And the king there kept his world boring. On Crete there's this huge old mountain There are streams and forests and nature stuff. Nobody lives there, but it's pretty okay. 100/The Greeks believed that a goddess gave birth And hid her son on that island, which I guess Makes sense because babies are loud and all. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this It doesn't have very much to do with the river, But it somehow seemed like the right thing. Say, did you know that some guy back on Earth, Made a video game where I'm a dragon? It's awesome!  I can breath fire and fly. Did you bring any food with you at all? 110/Ghosts can't really eat you understand, But it's been so long since I snapped Into a Slim Jim that I kinda was hoping Maybe you had one in your pocket somewhere, And could just pass it through me a bit So that I can absorb some of the essence. That's how ghosts eat, like this you see; Watch 1995's 'Casper', it's in there. Anyway, this river flows down through Hell. Eventually it will go to the very bottom 120/But you'll see where, we're going there.' And I to him: 'If so the present runnel Doth take its rise in this way from our world, Why only on this verge appears it to us?' And he to me: 'You know that Hell is circular, We've come a long way but not long enough, There's still a long way yet to go, We haven't made it quite to the end yet. So if you've been surprised by the sights, Let me say: You ain't seen nothing yet.' 130/And I again: 'Master, where shall be found Lethe and Phlegethon, for of one thou'rt silent, And sayest the other of this rain is made?' 'I said nothing of the sort, you buffoon!' Replied he; 'but to answer your question, If you look at the water you might know. See the water there? That's the Lethe, Sometimes the souls of the punished bathe And forget why they're here.  It sucks.' Then said he: 'Alright that's enough for now 140/Tourism time is over, we have a schedule; Let's go this way, follow me across, I want to get out of this stupid forest.' !CANTO XV. Now bears us onward one of the hard margins, And so the brooklet's mist o'ershadows it, From fire it saves the water and the dikes. Even as the Flemings, 'twixt Cadsand and Bruges, Fearing the flood that tow'rds them hurls itself, Their bulwarks build to put the sea to flight; And as the Paduans along the Brenta, To guard their villas and their villages, Or ever Chiarentana feel the heat; 10/In such similitude had those been made, Albeit not so lofty nor so thick, Whoever he might be, the master made them. Now were we from the forest so remote, I could not have discovered where it was, Even if backward I had turned myself, When we a company of souls encountered, Who came beside the dike, and every one Gazed at us, as at evening we are wont To eye each other under a new moon, 20/And so towards us sharpened they their brows As an old tailor at the needle's eye. Thus scrutinised by such a family, By some one I was recognised, who seized My garment's hem, and cried out, 'What a marvel!' And I, when he stretched forth his arm to me, On his baked aspect fastened so mine eyes, That the scorched countenance prevented not His recognition by my intellect; And bowing down my face unto his own, 30/I made reply, 'Are you here, Ser Brunetto?' And he: 'May't not displease thee, O my son, If a brief space with thee Brunetto Latini Backward return and let the trail go on.' I said to him: 'With all my power I ask it; And if you wish me to sit down with you, I will, if he please, for I go with him.' 'O son,' he said, 'whoever of this herd A moment stops, lies then a hundred years, Nor fans himself when smiteth him the fire. 40/Therefore go on; I at thy skirts will come, And afterward will I rejoin my band, Which goes lamenting its eternal doom.' I did not dare to go down from the road Level to walk with him; but my head bowed I held as one who goeth reverently. And he began: 'What fortune or what fate Before the last day leadeth thee down here? And who is this that showeth thee the way?' 'Up there above us in the life serene,' 50/I answered him, 'I lost me in a valley, Or ever yet my age had been completed. But yestermorn I turned my back upon it; This one appeared to me, returning thither, And homeward leadeth me along this road.' And he to me: 'If thou thy star do follow, Thou canst not fail thee of a glorious port, If well I judged in the life beautiful. And if I had not died so prematurely, Seeing Heaven thus benignant unto thee, 60/I would have given thee comfort in the work. But that ungrateful and malignant people, Which of old time from Fesole descended, And smacks still of the mountain and the granite, Will make itself, for thy good deeds, thy foe; And it is right; for among crabbed sorbs It ill befits the sweet fig to bear fruit. Old rumour in the world proclaims them blind; A people avaricious, envious, proud; Take heed that of their customs thou do cleanse thee. 70/Thy fortune so much honour doth reserve thee, One party and the other shall be hungry For thee; but far from goat shall be the grass. Their litter let the beasts of Fesole Make of themselves, nor let them touch the plant, If any still upon their dunghill rise, In which may yet revive the consecrated Seed of those Romans, who remained there when The nest of such great malice it became.' 'If my entreaty wholly were fulfilled,' 80/Replied I to him, 'not yet would you be In banishment from human nature placed; For in my mind is fixed, and touches now My heart the dear and good paternal image Of you, when in the world from hour to hour You taught me how a man becomes eternal; And how much I am grateful, while I live Behoves that in my language be discerned. What you narrate of my career I write, And keep it to be glossed with other text 90/By a Lady who can do it, if I reach her. This much will I have manifest to you; Provided that my conscience do not chide me, For whatsoever Fortune I am ready. Such handsel is not new unto mine ears; Therefore let Fortune turn her wheel around As it may please her, and the churl his mattock.' My Master thereupon on his right cheek Did backward turn himself, and looked at me; Then said: 'Man, what a downer!' 100/Nor speaking less on that account, I go With Ser Brunetto, and I ask who are His most known and most eminent companions. And he to me: 'To know of some is well; Of others it were laudable to be silent, For short would be the time for so much speech. Know them in sum, that all of them were clerks, And men of letters great and of great fame, In the world tainted with the selfsame sin. Priscian goes yonder with that wretched crowd, 110/And Francis of Accorso; and thou hadst seen there If thou hadst had a hankering for such scurf, That one, who by the Servant of the Servants From Arno was transferred to Bacchiglione, Where he has left his sin-excited nerves. More would I say, but coming and discoursing Can be no longer; for that I behold New smoke uprising yonder from the sand. A people comes with whom I may not be; Commended unto thee be my Tesoro, 120/In which I still live, and no more I ask.' Then he turned round, and seemed to be of those Who at Verona run for the Green Mantle Across the plain; and seemed to be among them The one who wins, and not the one who loses. !CANTO XVI. Now was I where was heard the reverberation Of water falling into the next round, Like to that humming which the beehives make, When shadows three together started forth, Running, from out a company that passed Beneath the rain of the sharp martyrdom. Towards us came they, and each one cried out: 'Stop, thou; for by thy garb to us thou seemest To be some one of our depraved city.' 10/Ah me! what wounds I saw upon their limbs, Recent and ancient by the flames burnt in! It pains me still but to remember it. Unto their cries my Teacher paused attentive; He turned his face towards me, and 'Now wait,' He said; 'We need to be nice to these guys. If it weren't for the fact that we're in Hell Which is inherently a bad place to be I'd say that they're swell dudes really.' As soon as we stood still, they recommenced 20/The old refrain, and when they overtook us, Formed of themselves a wheel, all three of them. As champions stripped and oiled are wont to do, Watching for their advantage and their hold, Before they come to blows and thrusts between them, Thus, wheeling round, did every one his visage Direct to me, so that in opposite wise His neck and feet continual journey made. And, 'If the misery of this soft place Bring in disdain ourselves and our entreaties,' 30/Began one, 'and our aspect black and blistered, Let the renown of us thy mind incline To tell us who thou art, who thus securely Thy living feet dost move along through Hell. He in whose footprints thou dost see me treading, Naked and skinless though he now may go, Was of a greater rank than thou dost think; He was the grandson of the good Gualdrada; His name was Guidoguerra, and in life Much did he with his wisdom and his sword. 40/The other, who close by me treads the sand, Tegghiaio Aldobrandi is, whose fame Above there in the world should welcome be. And I, who with them on the cross am placed, Jacopo Rusticucci was; and truly My savage wife, more than aught else, doth harm me.' Could I have been protected from the fire, Below I should have thrown myself among them, And think the Teacher would have suffered it; But as I should have burned and baked myself, 50/My terror overmastered my good will, Which made me greedy of embracing them. Then I began: 'Sorrow and not disdain Did your condition fix within me so, That tardily it wholly is stripped off, As soon as this my Lord said unto me Words, on account of which I thought within me That people such as you are were approaching. I of your city am; and evermore Your labours and your honourable names 60/I with affection have retraced and heard. I leave the gall, and go for the sweet fruits Promised to me by the veracious Leader; But to the centre first I needs must plunge.' 'So may the soul for a long while conduct Those limbs of thine,' did he make answer then, 'And so may thy renown shine after thee, Valour and courtesy, say if they dwell Within our city, as they used to do, Or if they wholly have gone out of it; 70/For Guglielmo Borsier, who is in torment With us of late, and goes there with his comrades, Doth greatly mortify us with his words.' 'The new inhabitants and the sudden gains, Pride and extravagance have in thee engendered, Florence, so that thou weep'st thereat already!' In this wise I exclaimed with face uplifted; And the three, taking that for my reply, Looked at each other, as one looks at truth. 'If other times so little it doth cost thee,' 80/Replied they all, 'to satisfy another, Happy art thou, thus speaking at thy will! Therefore, if thou escape from these dark places, And come to rebehold the beauteous stars, When it shall pleasure thee to say, 'I was,' See that thou speak of us unto the people.' Then they broke up the wheel, and in their flight It seemed as if their agile legs were wings. Not an Amen could possibly be said So rapidly as they had disappeared; 90/Wherefore the Master deemed best to depart. I followed him, and little had we gone, Before the sound of water was so near us, That speaking we should hardly have been heard. Even as that stream which holdeth its own course The first from Monte Veso tow'rds the East, Upon the left-hand slope of Apennine, Which is above called Acquacheta, ere It down descendeth into its low bed, And at Forli is vacant of that name, 100/Reverberates there above San Benedetto From Alps, by falling at a single leap, Where for a thousand there were room enough; Thus downward from a bank precipitate, We found resounding that dark-tinted water, So that it soon the ear would have offended. I had a cord around about me girt, And therewithal I whilom had designed To take the panther with the painted skin. After I this had all from me unloosed, 110/As my Conductor had commanded me, I reached it to him, gathered up and coiled, Whereat he turned himself to the right side, And at a little distance from the verge, He cast it down into that deep abyss. 'It must needs be some novelty respond,' I said within myself, 'to the new signal The Master with his eye is following so.' Ah me! how very cautious men should be With those who not alone behold the act, 120/But with their wisdom look into the thoughts! He said to me: 'Soon what I'm waiting for Will show up here, and your curiosity Might be satisfied, for a while.' Aye to that truth which has the face of falsehood, A man should close his lips as far as may be, Because without his fault it causes shame; But here I cannot; and, Reader, by the notes Of this my Comedy to thee I swear, So may they not be void of lasting favour, 130/Athwart that dense and darksome atmosphere I saw a figure swimming upward come, Marvellous unto every steadfast heart, Even as he returns who goeth down Sometimes to clear an anchor, which has grappled Reef, or aught else that in the sea is hidden, Who upward stretches, and draws in his feet. !CANTO XVII. 'Look at that super macho monster down there! He shatters mountains and breaks city walls! Check out his power, and be awed!' Thus unto me my Guide began to say, And beckoned him that he should come to shore, Near to the confine of the trodden marble; And that uncleanly image of deceit Came up and thrust ashore its head and bust, But on the border did not drag its tail. 10/The face was as the face of a just man, Its semblance outwardly was so benign, And of a serpent all the trunk beside. Two paws it had, hairy unto the armpits; The back, and breast, and both the sides it had Depicted o'er with nooses and with shields. With colours more, groundwork or broidery Never in cloth did Tartars make nor Turks, Nor were such tissues by Arachne laid. As sometimes wherries lie upon the shore, 20/That part are in the water, part on land; And as among the guzzling Germans there, The beaver plants himself to wage his war; So that vile monster lay upon the border, Which is of stone, and shutteth in the sand. His tail was wholly quivering in the void, Contorting upwards the envenomed fork, That in the guise of scorpion armed its point. The Guide said: 'We should avoid it. Despite my macho strength and nacho power 30/He is one dude that I don't want to fight.' We therefore on the right side descended, And made ten steps upon the outer verge, Completely to avoid the sand and flame; And after we are come to him, I see A little farther off upon the sand A people sitting near the hollow place. Then said to me the Master: 'It'll improve Your experience of Hell immensely, If you go ask them what their deal is. 40/This is not space, but for them, it's the place; While you do that I'm going to sunbathe, In this Sahara that is Macho Madness.' Thus farther still upon the outermost Head of that seventh circle all alone I went, where sat the melancholy folk. Out of their eyes was gushing forth their woe; This way, that way, they helped them with their hands Now from the flames and now from the hot soil. Not otherwise in summer do the dogs, 50/Now with the foot, now with the muzzle, when By fleas, or flies, or gadflies, they are bitten. When I had turned mine eyes upon the faces Of some, on whom the dolorous fire is falling, Not one of them I knew; but I perceived That from the neck of each there hung a pouch, Which certain colour had, and certain blazon; And thereupon it seems their eyes are feeding. And as I gazing round me come among them, Upon a yellow pouch I azure saw 60/That had the face and posture of a lion. Proceeding then the current of my sight, Another of them saw I, red as blood, Display a goose more white than butter is. And one, who with an azure sow and gravid Emblazoned had his little pouch of white, Said unto me: 'What dost thou in this moat? Now get thee gone; and since thou'rt still alive, Know that a neighbour of mine, Vitaliano, Will have his seat here on my left-hand side. 70/A Paduan am I with these Florentines; Full many a time they thunder in mine ears, Exclaiming, 'Come the sovereign cavalier, He who shall bring the satchel with three goats;'' Then twisted he his mouth, and forth he thrust His tongue, like to an ox that licks its nose. And fearing lest my longer stay might vex Him who had warned me not to tarry long, Backward I turned me from those weary souls. I found my Guide, who had already mounted 80/Upon the back of that wild animal, And said to me: 'Now don't be a wuss. It's time to descend some stairs, get hype! You ride up front and me in back, So that you don't get hurt by the tail.' Such as he is who has so near the ague Of quartan that his nails are blue already, And trembles all, but looking at the shade; Even such became I at those proffered words; But shame in me his menaces produced, 90/Which maketh servant strong before good master. I seated me upon those monstrous shoulders; I wished to say, and yet the voice came not As I believed, 'Take heed that thou embrace me.' But he, who other times had rescued me In other peril, soon as I had mounted, Within his arms encircled and sustained me, And said: 'Giddyup hoss! Go forth; It's not every day you carry the Macho Man; Think of the story you can tell your friends.' 100/Even as the little vessel shoves from shore, Backward, still backward, so he thence withdrew; And when he wholly felt himself afloat, There where his breast had been he turned his tail, And that extended like an eel he moved, And with his paws drew to himself the air. A greater fear I do not think there was What time abandoned Phaeton the reins, Whereby the heavens, as still appears, were scorched; Nor when the wretched Icarus his flanks 110/Felt stripped of feathers by the melting wax, His father crying, 'An ill way thou takest!' Than was my own, when I perceived myself On all sides in the air, and saw extinguished The sight of everything but of the monster. Onward he goeth, swimming slowly, slowly; Wheels and descends, but I perceive it only By wind upon my face and from below. I heard already on the right the whirlpool Making a horrible crashing under us; 120/Whence I thrust out my head with eyes cast downward. Then was I still more fearful of the abyss; Because I fires beheld, and heard laments, Whereat I, trembling, all the closer cling. I saw then, for before I had not seen it, The turning and descending, by great horrors That were approaching upon divers sides. As falcon who has long been on the wing, Who, without seeing either lure or bird, Maketh the falconer say, 'Ah me, thou stoopest,' 130/Descendeth weary, whence he started swiftly, Thorough a hundred circles, and alights Far from his master, sullen and disdainful; Even thus did Geryon place us on the bottom, Close to the bases of the rough-hewn rock, And being disencumbered of our persons, He sped away as arrow from the string. !CANTO XVIII. There is a place in Hell called Malebolge, Wholly of stone and of an iron colour, As is the circle that around it turns. Right in the middle of the field malign There yawns a well exceeding wide and deep, Of which its place the structure will recount. Round, then, is that enclosure which remains Between the well and foot of the high, hard bank, And has distinct in valleys ten its bottom. 10/As where for the protection of the walls Many and many moats surround the castles, The part in which they are a figure forms, Just such an image those presented there; And as about such strongholds from their gates Unto the outer bank are little bridges, So from the precipice's base did crags Project, which intersected dikes and moats, Unto the well that truncates and collects them. Within this place, down shaken from the back 20/Of Geryon, we found us; and the Poet Held to the left, and I moved on behind. Upon my right hand I beheld new anguish, New torments, and new wielders of the lash, Wherewith the foremost Bolgia was replete. Down at the bottom were the sinners naked; This side the middle came they facing us, Beyond it, with us, but with greater steps; Even as the Romans, for the mighty host, The year of Jubilee, upon the bridge, 30/Have chosen a mode to pass the people over; For all upon one side towards the Castle Their faces have, and go unto St. Peter's; On the other side they go towards the Mountain. This side and that, along the livid stone Beheld I horned demons with great scourges, Who cruelly were beating them behind. Ah me! how they did make them lift their legs At the first blows! and sooth not any one The second waited for, nor for the third. 40/While I was going on, mine eyes by one Encountered were; and straight I said: 'Already With sight of this one I am not unfed.' Therefore I stayed my feet to make him out, And with me the sweet Guide came to a stand, And to my going somewhat back assented; And he, the scourged one, thought to hide himself, Lowering his face, but little it availed him; For said I: 'Thou that castest down thine eyes, If false are not the features which thou bearest, 50/Thou art Venedico Caccianimico; But what doth bring thee to such pungent sauces?' And he to me: 'Unwillingly I tell it; But forces me thine utterance distinct, Which makes me recollect the ancient world. I was the one who the fair Ghisola Induced to grant the wishes of the Marquis, Howe'er the shameless story may be told. Not the sole Bolognese am I who weeps here; Nay, rather is this place so full of them, 60/That not so many tongues to-day are taught 'Twixt Reno and Savena to say 'sipa;' And if thereof thou wishest pledge or proof, Bring to thy mind our avaricious heart.' While speaking in this manner, with his scourge A demon smote him, and said: 'Get thee gone Pander, there are no women here for coin.' I joined myself again unto mine Escort; Thereafterward with footsteps few we came To where a crag projected from the bank. 70/This very easily did we ascend, And turning to the right along its ridge, From those eternal circles we departed. When we were there, where it is hollowed out Beneath, to give a passage to the scourged, The Guide said: 'Wait and look at them, Those unhip cats who are born evil, Those whom we have not seen as of yet, Because they've been following us.' From the old bridge we looked upon the train 80/Which tow'rds us came upon the other border, And which the scourges in like manner smite. And the good Master, without my inquiring, Said to me: 'Look at the tall one there, Despite his pain he's standing up tall; See how macho he remains in its face! That's Jason, whom you've heard of maybe? He did some pretty despicable stuff. I honestly never read Greek myths So I'm sort of in the dark about this. 90/You'll have to do the reading yourself. Instead, why don't you go bother him? Ask him about his wife and kids, And if he ever was a liar to them. I do know he had a cool boat called the Argo; I heard he went searching for some mutton, But then discovered gold was inedible. Seems like you could learn a lot from him; About how to be a jerk to women and kids You know, if you weren't already.' 100/We were already where the narrow path Crosses athwart the second dike, and forms Of that a buttress for another arch. Thence we heard people, who are making moan In the next Bolgia, snorting with their muzzles, And with their palms beating upon themselves The margins were incrusted with a mould By exhalation from below, that sticks there, And with the eyes and nostrils wages war. The bottom is so deep, no place suffices 110/To give us sight of it, without ascending The arch's back, where most the crag impends. Thither we came, and thence down in the moat I saw a people smothered in a filth That out of human privies seemed to flow; And whilst below there with mine eye I search, I saw one with his head so foul with ordure, It was not clear if he were clerk or layman. He screamed to me: 'Wherefore art thou so eager To look at me more than the other foul ones?' 120/And I to him: 'Because, if I remember, I have already seen thee with dry hair, And thou'rt Alessio Interminei of Lucca; Therefore I eye thee more than all the others.' And he thereon, belabouring his pumpkin: 'The flatteries have submerged me here below, Wherewith my tongue was never surfeited.' Then said to me the Guide: 'See that thou thrust Thy visage somewhat farther in advance, That with thine eyes thou well the face attain 130/Of that uncleanly and dishevelled drab, Who there doth scratch herself with filthy nails, And crouches now, and now on foot is standing. Thais the harlot is it, who replied Unto her paramour, when he said, 'Have I Great gratitude from thee?'--'Nay, marvellous;' And herewith let our sight be satisfied.' !CANTO XIX. O Simon Magus, O forlorn disciples, Ye who the things of God, which ought to be The brides of holiness, rapaciously For silver and for gold do prostitute, Now it behoves for you the trumpet sound, Because in this third Bolgia ye abide. We had already on the following tomb Ascended to that portion of the crag Which o'er the middle of the moat hangs plumb. 10/Wisdom supreme, O how great art thou showest In heaven, in earth, and in the evil world, And with what justice doth thy power distribute! I saw upon the sides and on the bottom The livid stone with perforations filled, All of one size, and every one was round. To me less ample seemed they not, nor greater Than those that in my beautiful Saint John Are fashioned for the place of the baptisers, And one of which, not many years ago, 20/I broke for some one, who was drowning in it; Be this a seal all men to undeceive. Out of the mouth of each one there protruded The feet of a transgressor, and the legs Up to the calf, the rest within remained. In all of them the soles were both on fire; Wherefore the joints so violently quivered, They would have snapped asunder withes and bands. Even as the flame of unctuous things is wont To move upon the outer surface only, 30/So likewise was it there from heel to point. 'Master, who is that one who writhes himself, More than his other comrades quivering,' I said, 'and whom a redder flame is sucking?' And he to me: 'If you follow me a little bit, Down this bank to where that cat is sitting, He will tell you himself his sorry story.' And I: 'What pleases thee, to me is pleasing; Thou art my Lord, and knowest that I depart not From thy desire, and knowest what is not spoken.' 40/Straightway upon the fourth dike we arrived; We turned, and on the left-hand side descended Down to the bottom full of holes and narrow. And the good Master yet from off his haunch Deposed me not, till to the hole he brought me Of him who so lamented with his shanks. 'Whoe'er thou art, that standest upside down, O doleful soul, implanted like a stake,' To say began I, 'if thou canst, speak out.' I stood even as the friar who is confessing 50/The false assassin, who, when he is fixed, Recalls him, so that death may be delayed. And he cried out: 'Dost thou stand there already, Dost thou stand there already, Boniface? By many years the record lied to me. Art thou so early satiate with that wealth, For which thou didst not fear to take by fraud The beautiful Lady, and then work her woe?' Such I became, as people are who stand, Not comprehending what is answered them, 60/As if bemocked, and know not how to answer. Then said Macho Man: 'Quick-like, tell him 'That's not me, I'm a different guy!'' And I replied as was imposed on me. Whereat the spirit writhed with both his feet, Then, sighing, with a voice of lamentation Said to me: 'Then what wantest thou of me? If who I am thou carest so much to know, That thou on that account hast crossed the bank, Know that I vested was with the great mantle; 70/And truly was I son of the She-bear, So eager to advance the cubs, that wealth Above, and here myself, I pocketed. Beneath my head the others are dragged down Who have preceded me in simony, Flattened along the fissure of the rock. Below there I shall likewise fall, whenever That one shall come who I believed thou wast, What time the sudden question I proposed. But longer I my feet already toast, 80/And here have been in this way upside down, Than he will planted stay with reddened feet; For after him shall come of fouler deed From tow'rds the west a Pastor without law, Such as befits to cover him and me. New Jason will he be, of whom we read In Maccabees; and as his king was pliant, So he who governs France shall be to this one.' I do not know if I were here too bold, That him I answered only in this metre: 90/'I pray thee tell me now how great a treasure Our Lord demanded of Saint Peter first, Before he put the keys into his keeping? Truly he nothing asked but 'Follow me.' Nor Peter nor the rest asked of Matthias Silver or gold, when he by lot was chosen Unto the place the guilty soul had lost. Therefore stay here, for thou art justly punished, And keep safe guard o'er the ill-gotten money, Which caused thee to be valiant against Charles. 100/And were it not that still forbids it me The reverence for the keys superlative Thou hadst in keeping in the gladsome life, I would make use of words more grievous still; Because your avarice afflicts the world, Trampling the good and lifting the depraved. The Evangelist you Pastors had in mind, When she who sitteth upon many waters To fornicate with kings by him was seen; The same who with the seven heads was born, 110/And power and strength from the ten horns received, So long as virtue to her spouse was pleasing. Ye have made yourselves a god of gold and silver; And from the idolater how differ ye, Save that he one, and ye a hundred worship? Ah, Constantine! of how much ill was mother, Not thy conversion, but that marriage dower Which the first wealthy Father took from thee!' And while I sang to him such notes as these, Either that anger or that conscience stung him, 120/He struggled violently with both his feet. I think in sooth that it my Leader pleased, With such contented lip he listened ever Unto the sound of the true words expressed. Therefore with both his arms he took me up, And when he had me all upon his breast, Remounted by the way where he descended. Nor did he tire to have me clasped to him; But bore me to the summit of the arch Which from the fourth dike to the fifth is passage. 130/There tenderly he laid his burden down, Tenderly on the crag uneven and steep, That would have been hard passage for the goats: Thence was unveiled to me another valley. !CANTO XX. Of a new pain behoves me to make verses And give material to the twentieth canto Of the first song, which is of the submerged. I was already thoroughly disposed To peer down into the uncovered depth, Which bathed itself with tears of agony; And people saw I through the circular valley, Silent and weeping, coming at the pace Which in this world the Litanies assume. 10/As lower down my sight descended on them, Wondrously each one seemed to be distorted From chin to the beginning of the chest; For tow'rds the reins the countenance was turned, And backward it behoved them to advance, As to look forward had been taken from them. Perchance indeed by violence of palsy Some one has been thus wholly turned awry; But I ne'er saw it, nor believe it can be. As God may let thee, Reader, gather fruit 20/From this thy reading, think now for thyself How I could ever keep my face unmoistened, When our own image near me I beheld Distorted so, the weeping of the eyes Along the fissure bathed the hinder parts. Truly I wept, leaning upon a peak Of the hard crag, so that my Escort said To me: 'What are you crying for? Are you tired?  Is it your bedtime? It's been a big day for you I know. 30/You must be tired and not even know it. Let me tell you a bedtime story then To pass the time while we stride forward; Our macho hair swirling in the breeze. Once upon a time there was a warrior Sarnath was his name, from Monqurt He was a true knight, macho even as me. When he was young he traveled far Seeking the best challengers and champions Besting them all in one-on-one rumbles. 40/Eventually he came to the land of the Church, That great cathedral of Amour Lardo, Where the Cellulite Pope held his court. Sarnath did not know about religion In his land there was no church at all, And of course this world was not our own. This Nacho Man of old was truly wowed, The music of the priests blew him away And the pontiff himself was noble and kind. For a long time he lived at the court 50/Aiding young paladins in their training Serving as armsmaster for the holy army. Until finally he took oaths himself, Not those to be a clergyman, oh no, But to serve as the shield of the church. At this time an evil nation to the north, Wicked and envious of the church's wealth; Invaded and tried to stamp out the faith. It was Sarnath who held the line, Alongside his four most promising pupils, 60/Who ever after bore the title 'Hounds'. Their names are famous today They were Gleeok and Ragnasaurth Ilthor and strongest of all Thorgan. With their master they stemmed the tide, These five alone against a legion of foes Sheer numbers could not overcome their might. Yet as the battle appeared to be won, A single arrow struck Sarnath in the thigh Fast-acting poison turned his blood cold. 70/Gasping for air in his final minutes, Sarnath passed his title on to Thorgan, Appointing him leader of the Church's army. Thus ended the story of the hero Sarnath And where his spirit went I cannot say, In that world things aren't as simple. If you don't understand this story, Don't sweat it, I'm just killing time. It's actually not that great a story. And sorry if my speech has become formal 80/During the telling of this particular tale, I'm just trying to relate it I heard it. Some guy named Pablo told it to me When we were lifting at the gym last week, And I guess it has kind of stuck with me. Anyway, hopefully this happy tale Has gotten you to stop crying, or at least made you fall asleep; Either way it's the same to me, after all, We're going to have to keep going eventually 90/Unlike you I have all the time in the world. Say, have I ever tell you the cheese joke? You know, the one with the goat and the spoon? Where they end up at the sanitation plant? Well it's too long to tell now, There aren't many lines left in this Canto, But remind me in Canto XXXIV, it's great. A real knee-slapper let me tell you, The sort of joke you'll tell your grandkids Years from now as you munch on a Slim Jim. 100/And I: 'My Master, thy discourses are To me so certain, and so take my faith, That unto me the rest would be spent coals. But tell me of the people who are passing, If any one note-worthy thou beholdest, For only unto that my mind reverts.' Then said he to me: 'Normally I'd tell you But I've just spent a lot of time talking And even ghosts get sore throats, you know. I know that here there's like six more stanzas 110/And that if I stuck on-script I'd give them all But honestly I'm just not feeling it right now. So I'm going to take matters into my own hands My MACHO hands; my NACHO hands, as they were. And end this particular canto early. I hope you don't hold it against me, The next one is more interesting anyway So let's just hurry along to it shall we? Thus spake he to me, and we walked the while. !CANTO XXI. From bridge to bridge thus, speaking other things Of which my Comedy cares not to sing, We came along, and held the summit, when We halted to behold another fissure Of Malebolge and other vain laments; And I beheld it marvellously dark. As in the Arsenal of the Venetians Boils in the winter the tenacious pitch To smear their unsound vessels o'er again, 10/For sail they cannot; and instead thereof One makes his vessel new, and one recaulks The ribs of that which many a voyage has made; One hammers at the prow, one at the stern, This one makes oars, and that one cordage twists, Another mends the mainsail and the mizzen; Thus, not by fire, but by the art divine, Was boiling down below there a dense pitch Which upon every side the bank belimed. I saw it, but I did not see within it 20/Aught but the bubbles that the boiling raised, And all swell up and resubside compressed. The while below there fixedly I gazed, My Leader, crying out: 'Watch out!' Drew me unto himself from where I stood. Then I turned round, as one who is impatient To see what it behoves him to escape, And whom a sudden terror doth unman, Who, while he looks, delays not his departure; And I beheld behind us a black devil, 30/Running along upon the crag, approach. Ah, how ferocious was he in his aspect! And how he seemed to me in action ruthless, With open wings and light upon his feet! His shoulders, which sharp-pointed were and high, A sinner did encumber with both haunches, And he held clutched the sinews of the feet. From off our bridge, he said: 'O Malebranche, Behold one of the elders of Saint Zita; Plunge him beneath, for I return for others 40/Unto that town, which is well furnished with them. All there are barrators, except Bonturo; No into Yes for money there is changed.' He hurled him down, and over the hard crag Turned round, and never was a mastiff loosened In so much hurry to pursue a thief. The other sank, and rose again face downward; But the demons, under cover of the bridge, Cried: 'Here the Santo Volto has no place! Here swims one otherwise than in the Serchio; 50/Therefore, if for our gaffs thou wishest not, Do not uplift thyself above the pitch.' They seized him then with more than a hundred rakes; They said: 'It here behoves thee to dance covered, That, if thou canst, thou secretly mayest pilfer.' Not otherwise the cooks their scullions make Immerse into the middle of the caldron The meat with hooks, so that it may not float. Said the good Master to me: 'You gotta hide, So duck down behind this rock face 60/And they will not be able to see you; Don't worry about what happesn to me, None may withstand the Macho Man unleashed, I've handled these demons many times.' Then he passed on beyond the bridge's head, And as upon the sixth bank he arrived, Need was for him to have a steadfast front. With the same fury, and the same uproar, As dogs leap out upon a mendicant, Who on a sudden begs, where'er he stops, 70/They issued from beneath the little bridge, And turned against him all their grappling-irons; But he cried out: 'Step back idiots! Do you remember what happened last time, When I was strolling through on vacation, And you tried to grab me and paid the price?' They all cried out: 'Let Malacoda go;' Whereat one started, and the rest stood still, And he came to him, saying: 'What avails it?' 'How now, Malacoda? Up for another round? 80/I hope your tail is healed.' my Master said, 'There's a reason your name is evil tail, But what evil can you do if it breaks again? Why not let me pass, and spare your body Unless you're crusing for a bruising.' Then was his arrogance so humbled in him, That he let fall his grapnel at his feet, And to the others said: 'Now strike him not.' And unto me my Guide: 'O thou, who sittest Among the splinters of the bridge crouched down, 90/Securely now return to me again.' Wherefore I started and came swiftly to him; And all the devils forward thrust themselves, So that I feared they would not keep their compact. And thus beheld I once afraid the soldiers Who issued under safeguard from Caprona, Seeing themselves among so many foes. Close did I press myself with all my person Beside my Leader, and turned not mine eyes From off their countenance, which was not good. 100/They lowered their rakes, and 'Wilt thou have me hit him,' They said to one another, 'on the rump?' And answered: 'Yes; see that thou nick him with it.' But the same demon who was holding parley With my Conductor turned him very quickly, And said: 'Be quiet, be quiet, Scarmiglione;' Then said to us: 'You can no farther go Forward upon this crag, because is lying All shattered, at the bottom, the sixth arch. And if it still doth please you to go onward, 110/Pursue your way along upon this rock; Near is another crag that yields a path. Yesterday, five hours later than this hour, One thousand and two hundred sixty-six Years were complete, that here the way was broken. I send in that direction some of mine To see if any one doth air himself; Go ye with them; for they will not be vicious. Step forward, Alichino and Calcabrina,' Began he to cry out, 'and thou, Cagnazzo; 120/And Barbariccia, do thou guide the ten. Come forward, Libicocco and Draghignazzo, And tusked Ciriatto and Graffiacane, And Farfarello and mad Rubicante; Search ye all round about the boiling pitch; Let these be safe as far as the next crag, That all unbroken passes o'er the dens.' 'O me! what is it, Master, that I see? Pray let us go,' I said, 'without an escort, If thou knowest how, since for myself I ask none. 130/If thou art as observant as thy wont is, Dost thou not see that they do gnash their teeth, And with their brows are threatening woe to us?' And he to me: 'There's no need to fear now; They just want to regain their lost pride, Gnashing their teeth to shore up their image.' Along the left-hand dike they wheeled about; But first had each one thrust his tongue between His teeth towards their leader for a signal; And he had made a trumpet of his rump. !CANTO XXII. I have erewhile seen horsemen moving camp, Begin the storming, and their muster make, And sometimes starting off for their escape; Vaunt-couriers have I seen upon your land, O Aretines, and foragers go forth, Tournaments stricken, and the joustings run, Sometimes with trumpets and sometimes with bells, With kettle-drums, and signals of the castles, And with our own, and with outlandish things, 10/But never yet with bagpipe so uncouth Did I see horsemen move, nor infantry, Nor ship by any sign of land or star. We went upon our way with the ten demons; Ah, savage company! but in the church With saints, and in the tavern with the gluttons! Ever upon the pitch was my intent, To see the whole condition of that Bolgia, And of the people who therein were burned. Even as the dolphins, when they make a sign 20/To mariners by arching of the back, That they should counsel take to save their vessel, Thus sometimes, to alleviate his pain, One of the sinners would display his back, And in less time conceal it than it lightens. As on the brink of water in a ditch The frogs stand only with their muzzles out, So that they hide their feet and other bulk, So upon every side the sinners stood; But ever as Barbariccia near them came, 30/Thus underneath the boiling they withdrew. I saw, and still my heart doth shudder at it, One waiting thus, even as it comes to pass One frog remains, and down another dives; And Graffiacan, who most confronted him, Grappled him by his tresses smeared with pitch, And drew him up, so that he seemed an otter. I knew, before, the names of all of them, So had I noted them when they were chosen, And when they called each other, listened how. 40/'O Rubicante, see that thou do lay Thy claws upon him, so that thou mayst flay him,' Cried all together the accursed ones. And I: 'My Master, see to it, if thou canst, That thou mayst know who is the luckless wight, Thus come into his adversaries' hands.' Near to the side of him my Leader drew, Asked of him whence he was; and he replied: 'I in the kingdom of Navarre was born; My mother placed me servant to a lord, 50/For she had borne me to a ribald knave, Destroyer of himself and of his things. Then I domestic was of good King Thibault; I set me there to practise barratry, For which I pay the reckoning in this heat.' And Ciriatto, from whose mouth projected, On either side, a tusk, as in a boar, Caused him to feel how one of them could rip. Among malicious cats the mouse had come; But Barbariccia clasped him in his arms, 60/And said: 'Stand ye aside, while I enfork him.' And to my Master he turned round his head; 'Ask him again,' he said, 'and just maybe You've noticed I always tell you that.' The Guide: 'Now tell us of the others here; Are there any who are worthing hearing about? Best gnarly story?'  And he: 'I separated Lately from one who was a neighbour to it; Would that I still were covered up with him, For I should fear not either claw nor hook!' 70/And Libicocco: 'We have borne too much;' And with his grapnel seized him by the arm, So that, by rending, he tore off a tendon. Eke Draghignazzo wished to pounce upon him Down at the legs; whence their Decurion Turned round and round about with evil look. When they again somewhat were pacified, Of him, who still was looking at his wound, Demanded my Conductor without stay: 'Wow who was that guy?  I don't know him. 80/Also you might want to get that looked at.' And he replied: 'It was the Friar Gomita, He of Gallura, vessel of all fraud, Who had the enemies of his Lord in hand, And dealt so with them each exults thereat; Money he took, and let them smoothly off, As he says; and in other offices A barrator was he, not mean but sovereign. Foregathers with him one Don Michael Zanche Of Logodoro; and of Sardinia 90/To gossip never do their tongues feel tired. O me! see that one, how he grinds his teeth; Still farther would I speak, but am afraid Lest he to scratch my itch be making ready.' And the grand Provost, turned to Farfarello, Who rolled his eyes about as if to strike, Said: 'Stand aside there, thou malicious bird.' 'If you desire either to see or hear,' The terror-stricken recommenced thereon, 'Tuscans or Lombards, I will make them come. 100/But let the Malebranche cease a little, So that these may not their revenges fear, And I, down sitting in this very place, For one that I am will make seven come, When I shall whistle, as our custom is To do whenever one of us comes out.' Cagnazzo at these words his muzzle lifted, Shaking his head, and said: 'Just hear the trick Which he has thought of, down to throw himself!' Whence he, who snares in great abundance had, 110/Responded: 'I by far too cunning am, When I procure for mine a greater sadness.' Alichin held not in, but running counter Unto the rest, said to him: 'If thou dive, I will not follow thee upon the gallop, But I will beat my wings above the pitch; The height be left, and be the bank a shield To see if thou alone dost countervail us.' O thou who readest, thou shalt hear new sport! Each to the other side his eyes averted; 120/He first, who most reluctant was to do it. The Navarrese selected well his time; Planted his feet on land, and in a moment Leaped, and released himself from their design. Whereat each one was suddenly stung with shame, But he most who was cause of the defeat; Therefore he moved, and cried: 'Thou art o'ertakern.' But little it availed, for wings could not Outstrip the fear; the other one went under, And, flying, upward he his breast directed; 130/Not otherwise the duck upon a sudden Dives under, when the falcon is approaching, And upward he returneth cross and weary. Infuriate at the mockery, Calcabrina Flying behind him followed close, desirous The other should escape, to have a quarrel. And when the barrator had disappeared, He turned his talons upon his companion, And grappled with him right above the moat. But sooth the other was a doughty sparhawk 140/To clapperclaw him well; and both of them Fell in the middle of the boiling pond. A sudden intercessor was the heat; But ne'ertheless of rising there was naught, To such degree they had their wings belimed. Lamenting with the others, Barbariccia Made four of them fly to the other side With all their gaffs, and very speedily This side and that they to their posts descended; They stretched their hooks towards the pitch-ensnared, 150/Who were already baked within the crust, And in this manner busied did we leave them. !CANTO XXIII. Silent, alone, and without company We went, the one in front, the other after, As go the Minor Friars along their way. Upon the fable of Aesop was directed My thought, by reason of the present quarrel, Where he has spoken of the frog and mouse; For 'mo' and 'issa' are not more alike Than this one is to that, if well we couple End and beginning with a steadfast mind. 10/And even as one thought from another springs, So afterward from that was born another, Which the first fear within me double made. Thus did I ponder: 'These on our account Are laughed to scorn, with injury and scoff So great, that much I think it must annoy them. If anger be engrafted on ill-will, They will come after us more merciless Than dog upon the leveret which he seizes,' I felt my hair stand all on end already 20/With terror, and stood backwardly intent, When said I: 'Master, if thou hidest not Thyself and me forthwith, of Malebranche I am in dread; we have them now behind us; I so imagine them, I already feel them.' And he: 'Sometimes when I hear you speak, I have no idea what you're saying at all And so I imagine it's a hilarious joke. Now, for example, you just said gibberish, Which I interpreted as a very funny bit 30/About a rooster and a tractor-trailer. Let's take this downward slope here Step lively, macho men don't lose balance, Nothing shall catch us on this path.' Not yet he finished rendering such opinion, When I beheld them come with outstretched wings, Not far remote, with will to seize upon us. My Leader on a sudden seized me up, Even as a mother who by noise is wakened, And close beside her sees the enkindled flames, 40/Who takes her son, and flies, and does not stop, Having more care of him than of herself, So that she clothes her only with a shift; And downward from the top of the hard bank Supine he gave him to the pendent rock, That one side of the other Bolgia walls. Ne'er ran so swiftly water through a sluice To turn the wheel of any land-built mill, When nearest to the paddles it approaches, As did my Master down along that border, 50/Bearing me with him on his breast away, As his own son, and not as a companion. Hardly the bed of the ravine below His feet had reached, ere they had reached the hill Right over us; but he was not afraid; For the high Providence, which had ordained To place them ministers of the fifth moat, The power of thence departing took from all. A painted people there below we found, Who went about with footsteps very slow, 60/Weeping and in their semblance tired and vanquished. They had on mantles with the hoods low down Before their eyes, and fashioned of the cut That in Cologne they for the monks are made. Without, they gilded are so that it dazzles; But inwardly all leaden and so heavy That Frederick used to put them on of straw. O everlastingly fatiguing mantle! Again we turned us, still to the left hand Along with them, intent on their sad plaint; 70/But owing to the weight, that weary folk Came on so tardily, that we were new In company at each motion of the haunch. Whence I unto my Leader: 'See thou find Some one who may by deed or name be known, And thus in going move thine eye about.' And one, who understood the Tuscan speech, Cried to us from behind: 'Stay ye your feet, Ye, who so run athwart the dusky air! Perhaps thou'lt have from me what thou demandest.' 80/Whereat the Leader turned him, and said: 'Wait, And walk towards this weird duck slowly.' I stopped, and two beheld I show great haste Of spirit, in their faces, to be with me; But the burden and the narrow way delayed them. When they came up, long with an eye askance They scanned me without uttering a word. Then to each other turned, and said together: 'He by the action of his throat seems living; And if they dead are, by what privilege 90/Go they uncovered by the heavy stole?' Then said to me: 'Tuscan, who to the college Of miserable hypocrites art come, Do not disdain to tell us who thou art.' And I to them: 'Born was I, and grew up In the great town on the fair river of Arno, And with the body am I've always had. But who are ye, in whom there trickles down Along your cheeks such grief as I behold? And what pain is upon you, that so sparkles?' 100/And one replied to me: 'These orange cloaks Are made of lead so heavy, that the weights Cause in this way their balances to creak. Frati Gaudenti were we, and Bolognese; I Catalano, and he Loderingo Named, and together taken by thy city, As the wont is to take one man alone, For maintenance of its peace; and we were such That still it is apparent round Gardingo.' 'O Friars,' began I, 'your iniquitous. . .' 110/But said no more; for to mine eyes there rushed One crucified with three stakes on the ground. When me he saw, he writhed himself all over, Blowing into his beard with suspirations; And the Friar Catalan, who noticed this, Said to me: 'This transfixed one, whom thou seest, Counselled the Pharisees that it was meet To put one man to torture for the people. Crosswise and naked is he on the path, As thou perceivest; and he needs must feel, 120/Whoever passes, first how much he weighs; And in like mode his father-in-law is punished Within this moat, and the others of the council, Which for the Jews was a malignant seed.' And thereupon I saw the Macho Man marvel O'er him who was extended on the cross So vilely in eternal banishment. Then he directed to the Friar this voice: 'We're not lost, but if we were, Would you tell us if we were going wrong? 130/We're heading down this slope and it seems good, And the nacho man needs no directions, No map, but still, you'd let us know, right?' Then he made answer: 'Nearer than thou hopest There is a rock, that forth from the great circle Proceeds, and crosses all the cruel valleys, Save that at this 'tis broken, and does not bridge it; You will be able to mount up the ruin, That sidelong slopes and at the bottom rises.' The Leader stood awhile with head held high; 140/Then said: 'That guy's breath is the worst I think he ate too many salt and vinegar chips.' And the Friar: 'Many of the Devil's vices Once heard I at Bologna, and among them, That he's a liar and the father of lies.' Thereat my Leader with great strides went on, Somewhat disturbed with anger in his looks; Whence from the heavy-laden I departed After the prints of his beloved feet. !CANTO XXIV. In that part of the youthful year wherein The Sun his locks beneath Aquarius tempers, And now the nights draw near to half the day, What time the hoar-frost copies on the ground The outward semblance of her sister white, But little lasts the temper of her pen, The husbandman, whose forage faileth him, Rises, and looks, and seeth the champaign All gleaming white, whereat he beats his flank, 10/Returns in doors, and up and down laments, Like a poor wretch, who knows not what to do; Then he returns and hope revives again, Seeing the world has changed its countenance In little time, and takes his shepherd's crook, And forth the little lambs to pasture drives. Thus did the Master fill me with alarm, When I beheld his forehead so disturbed, And to the ailment came as soon the plaster. For as we came unto the ruined bridge, 20/The Leader turned to me with that sweet look Which at the mountain's foot I first beheld. His arms he opened, after some advisement Within himself elected, looking first Well at the ruin, and laid hold of me. And even as he who acts and meditates, For aye it seems that he provides beforehand, So upward lifting me towards the summit Of a huge rock, he scanned another crag, Saying: 'We've got to climb up there, 30/You first, see if it can hold our weight.' This was no way for one clothed with a cloak; For hardly we, he light, and I pushed upward, Were able to ascend from jag to jag. And had it not been, that upon that precinct Shorter was the ascent than on the other, He I know not, but I had been dead beat. But because Malebolge tow'rds the mouth Of the profoundest well is all inclining, The structure of each valley doth import 40/That one bank rises and the other sinks. Still we arrived at length upon the point Wherefrom the last stone breaks itself asunder. The breath was from my lungs so milked away, When I was up, that I could go no farther, Nay, I sat down upon my first arrival. 'Don't you fade on me now, pretty boy.' My Master said; 'Don't you know that Rest and relaxation makes you soft? As the kids say today, do you even lift? 50/You need to pump iron and run miles, Build your body up to a MACHO state. So get up off of the ground, slacker! Raise your spirits, act tough! Don't be a spineless slug, man! You're going to have to climb more stairs; This is just the beginning, let me tell you; If you hear me, then you'll prepare yourself.' Then I uprose, showing myself provided Better with breath than I did feel myself, 60/And said: 'Go on, for I am strong and bold.' Upward we took our way along the crag, Which jagged was, and narrow, and difficult, And more precipitous far than that before. Speaking I went, not to appear exhausted; Whereat a voice from the next moat came forth, Not well adapted to articulate words. I know not what it said, though o'er the back I now was of the arch that passes there; But he seemed moved to anger who was speaking. 70/I was bent downward, but my living eyes Could not attain the bottom, for the dark; Wherefore I: 'Master, see that thou arrive At the next round, and let us descend the wall; For as from hence I hear and understand not, So I look down and nothing I distinguish.' 'Don't talk,' he said, 'for a while, Seriously.  You fill the air with nose And not the type of madness that I love.' We from the bridge descended at its head, 80/Where it connects itself with the eighth bank, And then was manifest to me the Bolgia; And I beheld therein a terrible throng Of serpents, and of such a monstrous kind, That the remembrance still congeals my blood Let Libya boast no longer with her sand; For if Chelydri, Jaculi, and Phareae She breeds, with Cenchri and with Amphisbaena, Neither so many plagues nor so malignant E'er showed she with all Ethiopia, 90/Nor with whatever on the Red Sea is! Among this cruel and most dismal throng People were running naked and affrighted. Without the hope of hole or heliotrope. They had their hands with serpents bound behind them; These riveted upon their reins the tail And head, and were in front of them entwined. And lo! at one who was upon our side There darted forth a serpent, which transfixed him There where the neck is knotted to the shoulders. 100/Nor 'O' so quickly e'er, nor 'I' was written, As he took fire, and burned; and ashes wholly Behoved it that in falling he became. And when he on the ground was thus destroyed, The ashes drew together, and of themselves Into himself they instantly returned. Even thus by the great sages 'tis confessed The phoenix dies, and then is born again, When it approaches its five-hundredth year; On herb or grain it feeds not in its life, 110/But only on tears of incense and amomum, And nard and myrrh are its last winding-sheet. And as he is who falls, and knows not how, By force of demons who to earth down drag him, Or other oppilation that binds man, When he arises and around him looks, Wholly bewildered by the mighty anguish Which he has suffered, and in looking sighs; Such was that sinner after he had risen. Justice of God! O how severe it is, 120/That blows like these in vengeance poureth down! The Guide thereafter asked him who he was; Whence he replied: 'I rained from Tuscany A short time since into this cruel gorge. A bestial life, and not a human, pleased me, Even as the mule I was; I'm Vanni Fucci, Beast, and Pistoia was my worthy den.' And I unto the Guide: 'Tell him to stir not, And ask what crime has thrust him here below, For once a man of blood and wrath I saw him.' 130/And the sinner, who had heard, dissembled not, But unto me directed mind and face, And with a melancholy shame was painted. Then said: 'It pains me more that thou hast caught me Amid this misery where thou seest me, Than when I from the other life was taken. What thou demandest I cannot deny; So low am I put down because I robbed The sacristy of the fair ornaments, And falsely once 'twas laid upon another; 140/But that thou mayst not such a sight enjoy, If thou shalt e'er be out of the dark places, Thine ears to my announcement ope and hear: Pistoia first of Neri groweth meagre; Then Florence doth renew her men and manners; Mars draws a vapour up from Val di Magra, Which is with turbid clouds enveloped round, And with impetuous and bitter tempest Over Campo Picen shall be the battle; When it shall suddenly rend the mist asunder, 150/So that each Bianco shall thereby be smitten. And this I've said that it may give thee pain.' !CANTO XXV. At the conclusion of his words, the thief Lifted his hands aloft with both the figs, Crying: 'Take that, God, for at thee I aim them.' From that time forth the serpents were my friends; For one entwined itself about his neck As if it said: 'I will not thou speak more;' And round his arms another, and rebound him, Clinching itself together so in front, That with them he could not a motion make. 10/Pistoia, ah, Pistoia! why resolve not To burn thyself to ashes and so perish, Since in ill-doing thou thy seed excellest? Through all the sombre circles of this Hell, Spirit I saw not against God so proud, Not he who fell at Thebes down from the walls! He fled away, and spake no further word; And I beheld a Centaur full of rage Come crying out: 'Where is, where is the scoffer?' I do not think Maremma has so many 20/Serpents as he had all along his back, As far as where our countenance begins. Upon the shoulders, just behind the nape, With wings wide open was a dragon lying, And he sets fire to all that he encounters. My Master said: 'That guy is Cacus. It's said that when he was alive He created a lake of blood. METAL! He and his brothers are all here together Because they were thieves and brigands, 30/They stole some cows or sheep or something; They messed with the wrong guy it seems, Hercules beat them to death with a mace, It was pretty gnarly if I may say so.' While he was speaking thus, he had passed by, And spirits three had underneath us come, Of which nor I aware was, nor my Leader, Until what time they shouted: 'Who are you?' On which account our story made a halt, And then we were intent on them alone. 40/I did not know them; but it came to pass, As it is wont to happen by some chance, That one to name the other was compelled, Exclaiming: 'Where can Cianfa have remained?' Whence I, so that the Leader might attend, Upward from chin to nose my finger laid. If thou art, Reader, slow now to believe What I shall say, it will no marvel be, For I who saw it hardly can admit it. As I was holding raised on them my brows, 50/Behold! a serpent with six feet darts forth In front of one, and fastens wholly on him. With middle feet it bound him round the paunch, And with the forward ones his arms it seized; Then thrust its teeth through one cheek and the other; The hindermost it stretched upon his thighs, And put its tail through in between the two, And up behind along the reins outspread it. Ivy was never fastened by its barbs Unto a tree so, as this horrible reptile 60/Upon the other's limbs entwined its own. Then they stuck close, as if of heated wax They had been made, and intermixed their colour; Nor one nor other seemed now what he was; E'en as proceedeth on before the flame Upward along the paper a brown colour, Which is not black as yet, and the white dies. The other two looked on, and each of them Cried out: 'O me, Agnello, how thou changest! Behold, thou now art neither two nor one.' 70/Already the two heads had one become, When there appeared to us two figures mingled Into one face, wherein the two were lost. Of the four lists were fashioned the two arms, The thighs and legs, the belly and the chest Members became that never yet were seen. Every original aspect there was cancelled; Two and yet none did the perverted image Appear, and such departed with slow pace. Even as a lizard, under the great scourge 80/Of days canicular, exchanging hedge, Lightning appeareth if the road it cross; Thus did appear, coming towards the bellies Of the two others, a small fiery serpent, Livid and black as is a peppercorn. And in that part whereat is first received Our aliment, it one of them transfixed; Then downward fell in front of him extended. The one transfixed looked at it, but said naught; Nay, rather with feet motionless he yawned, 90/Just as if sleep or fever had assailed him. He at the serpent gazed, and it at him; One through the wound, the other through the mouth Smoked violently, and the smoke commingled. Henceforth be silent Lucan, where he mentions Wretched Sabellus and Nassidius, And wait to hear what now shall be shot forth. Be silent Ovid, of Cadmus and Arethusa; For if him to a snake, her to fountain, Converts he fabling, that I grudge him not; 100/Because two natures never front to front Has he transmuted, so that both the forms To interchange their matter ready were. Together they responded in such wise, That to a fork the serpent cleft his tail, And eke the wounded drew his feet together. The legs together with the thighs themselves Adhered so, that in little time the juncture No sign whatever made that was apparent. He with the cloven tail assumed the figure 110/The other one was losing, and his skin Became elastic, and the other's hard. I saw the arms draw inward at the armpits, And both feet of the reptile, that were short, Lengthen as much as those contracted were. Thereafter the hind feet, together twisted, Became the member that a man conceals, And of his own the wretch had two created. While both of them the exhalation veils With a new colour, and engenders hair 120/On one of them and depilates the other, The one uprose and down the other fell, Though turning not away their impious lamps, Underneath which each one his muzzle changed. He who was standing drew it tow'rds the temples, And from excess of matter, which came thither, Issued the ears from out the hollow cheeks; What did not backward run and was retained Of that excess made to the face a nose, And the lips thickened far as was befitting. 130/He who lay prostrate thrusts his muzzle forward, And backward draws the ears into his head, In the same manner as the snail its horns; And so the tongue, which was entire and apt For speech before, is cleft, and the bi-forked In the other closes up, and the smoke ceases. The soul, which to a reptile had been changed, Along the valley hissing takes to flight, And after him the other speaking sputters. Then did he turn upon him his new shoulders, 140/And said to the other: 'I'll have Buoso run, Crawling as I have done, along this road.' In this way I beheld the seventh ballast Shift and reshift, and here be my excuse The novelty, if aught my pen transgress. And notwithstanding that mine eyes might be Somewhat bewildered, and my mind dismayed, They could not flee away so secretly But that I plainly saw Puccio Sciancato; And he it was who sole of three companions, 150/Which came in the beginning, was not changed; The other was he whom thou, Gaville, weepest. !CANTO XXVI. Rejoice, O Florence, since thou art so great, That over sea and land thou beatest thy wings, And throughout Hell thy name is spread abroad! Among the thieves five citizens of thine Like these I found, whence shame comes unto me, And thou thereby to no great honour risest. But if when morn is near our dreams are true, Feel shalt thou in a little time from now What Prato, if none other, craves for thee. 10/And if it now were, it were not too soon; Would that it were, seeing it needs must be, For 'twill aggrieve me more the more I age. We went our way, and up along the stairs The bourns had made us to descend before, Remounted my Conductor and drew me. And following the solitary path Among the rocks and ridges of the crag, The foot without the hand sped not at all. Then sorrowed I, and sorrow now again, 20/When I direct my mind to what I saw, And more my genius curb than I am wont, That it may run not unless virtue guide it; So that if some good star, or better thing, Have given me good, I may myself not grudge it. As many as the hind (who on the hill Rests at the time when he who lights the world His countenance keeps least concealed from us, While as the fly gives place unto the gnat) Seeth the glow-worms down along the valley, 30/Perchance there where he ploughs and makes his vintage; With flames as manifold resplendent all Was the eighth Bolgia, as I grew aware As soon as I was where the depth appeared. And such as he who with the bears avenged him Beheld Elijah's chariot at departing, What time the steeds to heaven erect uprose, For with his eye he could not follow it So as to see aught else than flame alone, Even as a little cloud ascending upward, 40/Thus each along the gorge of the intrenchment Was moving; for not one reveals the theft, And every flame a sinner steals away. I stood upon the bridge uprisen to see, So that, if I had seized not on a rock, Down had I fallen without being pushed. And the Leader, who beheld me so attent, Exclaimed: 'They're all in the fire there; They bathe in the fire even though it burns.' 'My Master,' I replied, 'by hearing thee 50/I am more sure; but I surmised already It might be so, and already wished to ask thee Who is within that fire, which comes so cleft At top, it seems uprising from the pyre Where was Eteocles with his brother placed.' He answered me: 'Some pretty famous guys: Ulysses and Diomed, the Greek heroes You probably read about them in high school. It turns out that making the Trojan Horse Was weirdly interpreted as a sort of lie 60/And so they get to burn in Hell. Oops. I suspect this plot point has to do With the fact that Dante was Italian, So he felt bad about Troy getting sacked.' 'If they within those sparks possess the power To speak,' I said, 'thee, Master, much I pray, And re-pray, that the prayer be worth a thousand, That thou make no denial of awaiting Until the horned flame shall hither come; Thou seest that with desire I lean towards it.' 70/And he to me: 'Hey, now you're getting it, Good on you kid, that's the spirit now; But hold your tongue for one macho minute. Let me talk for a bit, because I think I know What you want to hear about, and why that is. I've been around long enough to guess.' When now the flame had come unto that point, Where to my Leader it seemed time and place, After this fashion did I hear him speak: 'Wubba wubba, magical fire!  Tell me! 80/I, the Macho Man, demand of you! Reveal your secrets!  Tell us stories! Wumbo wumbo, magical fire!  Tell me! If you don't help me out right now I will dump water on you! Beware!' Then of the antique flame the greater horn, Murmuring, began to wave itself about Even as a flame doth which the wind fatigues. Thereafterward, the summit to and fro Moving as if it were the tongue that spake, 90/It uttered forth a voice, and said: 'When I From Circe had departed, who concealed me More than a year there near unto Gaeta, Or ever yet Aeneas named it so, Nor fondness for my son, nor reverence For my old father, nor the due affection Which joyous should have made Penelope, Could overcome within me the desire I had to be experienced of the world, And of the vice and virtue of mankind; 100/But I put forth on the high open sea With one sole ship, and that small company By which I never had deserted been. Both of the shores I saw as far as Spain, Far as Morocco, and the isle of Sardes, And the others which that sea bathes round about. I and my company were old and slow When at that narrow passage we arrived Where Hercules his landmarks set as signals, That man no farther onward should adventure. 110/On the right hand behind me left I Seville, And on the other already had left Ceuta. 'O brothers, who amid a hundred thousand Perils,' I said, 'have come unto the West, To this so inconsiderable vigil Which is remaining of your senses still Be ye unwilling to deny the knowledge, Following the sun, of the unpeopled world. Consider ye the seed from which ye sprang; Ye were not made to live like unto brutes, 120/But for pursuit of virtue and of knowledge.' So eager did I render my companions, With this brief exhortation, for the voyage, That then I hardly could have held them back. And having turned our stern unto the morning, We of the oars made wings for our mad flight, Evermore gaining on the larboard side. Already all the stars of the other pole The night beheld, and ours so very low It did not rise above the ocean floor. 130/Five times rekindled and as many quenched Had been the splendour underneath the moon, Since we had entered into the deep pass, When there appeared to us a mountain, dim From distance, and it seemed to me so high As I had never any one beheld. Joyful were we, and soon it turned to weeping; For out of the new land a whirlwind rose, And smote upon the fore part of the ship. Three times it made her whirl with all the waters, 140/At the fourth time it made the stern uplift, And the prow downward go, as pleased Another, Until the sea above us closed again.' !CANTO XXVII. Already was the flame erect and quiet, To speak no more, and now departed from us With the permission of the gentle Poet; When yet another, which behind it came, Caused us to turn our eyes upon its top By a confused sound that issued from it. As the Sicilian bull (that bellowed first With the lament of him, and that was right, Who with his file had modulated it) 10/Bellowed so with the voice of the afflicted, That, notwithstanding it was made of brass, Still it appeared with agony transfixed; Thus, by not having any way or issue At first from out the fire, to its own language Converted were the melancholy words. But afterwards, when they had gathered way Up through the point, giving it that vibration The tongue had given them in their passage out, We heard it said: 'O thou, at whom I aim 20/My voice, and who but now wast speaking Lombard, Saying, 'Now go thy way, no more I urge thee,' Because I come perchance a little late, To stay and speak with me let it not irk thee; Thou seest it irks not me, and I am burning. If thou but lately into this blind world Hast fallen down from that sweet Latian land, Wherefrom I bring the whole of my transgression, Say, if the Romagnuols have peace or war, For I was from the mountains there between 30/Urbino and the yoke whence Tiber bursts.' I still was downward bent and listening, When my Conductor touched me on the side, Saying: 'This one is Italian like you.' And I, who had beforehand my reply In readiness, forthwith began to speak: 'O soul, that down below there art concealed, Romagna thine is not and never has been Without war in the bosom of its tyrants; But open war I none have left there now. 40/Ravenna stands as it long years has stood; The Eagle of Polenta there is brooding, So that she covers Cervia with her vans. The city which once made the long resistance, And of the French a sanguinary heap, Beneath the Green Paws finds itself again; Verrucchio's ancient Mastiff and the new, Who made such bad disposal of Montagna, Where they are wont make wimbles of their teeth. The cities of Lamone and Santerno 50/Governs the Lioncel of the white lair, Who changes sides 'twixt summer-time and winter; And that of which the Savio bathes the flank, Even as it lies between the plain and mountain, Lives between tyranny and a free state. Now I entreat thee tell us who thou art; Be not more stubborn than the rest have been, So may thy name hold front there in the world.' After the fire a little more had roared In its own fashion, the sharp point it moved 60/This way and that, and then gave forth such breath: 'If I believed that my reply were made To one who to the world would e'er return, This flame without more flickering would stand still; But inasmuch as never from this depth Did any one return, if I hear true, Without the fear of infamy I answer, I was a man of arms, then Cordelier, Believing thus begirt to make amends; And truly my belief had been fulfilled 70/But for the High Priest, whom may ill betide, Who put me back into my former sins; And how and wherefore I will have thee hear. While I was still the form of bone and pulp My mother gave to me, the deeds I did Were not those of a lion, but a fox. The machinations and the covert ways I knew them all, and practised so their craft, That to the ends of earth the sound went forth. When now unto that portion of mine age 80/I saw myself arrived, when each one ought To lower the sails, and coil away the ropes, That which before had pleased me then displeased me; And penitent and confessing I surrendered, Ah woe is me! and it would have bestead me; The Leader of the modern Pharisees Having a war near unto Lateran, And not with Saracens nor with the Jews, For each one of his enemies was Christian, And none of them had been to conquer Acre, 90/Nor merchandising in the Sultan's land, Nor the high office, nor the sacred orders, In him regarded, nor in me that cord Which used to make those girt with it more meagre; But even as Constantine sought out Sylvester To cure his leprosy, within Soracte, So this one sought me out as an adept To cure him of the fever of his pride. Counsel he asked of me, and I was silent, Because his words appeared inebriate. 100/And then he said: 'Be not thy heart afraid; Henceforth I thee absolve; and thou instruct me How to raze Palestrina to the ground. Heaven have I power to lock and to unlock, As thou dost know; therefore the keys are two, The which my predecessor held not dear.' Then urged me on his weighty arguments There, where my silence was the worst advice; And said I: 'Father, since thou washest me Of that sin into which I now must fall, 110/The promise long with the fulfilment short Will make thee triumph in thy lofty seat.' Francis came afterward, when I was dead, For me; but one of the black Cherubim Said to him: 'Take him not; do me no wrong; He must come down among my servitors, Because he gave the fraudulent advice From which time forth I have been at his hair; For who repents not cannot be absolved, Nor can one both repent and will at once, 120/Because of the contradiction which consents not.' O miserable me! how I did shudder When he seized on me, saying: 'Peradventure Thou didst not think that I was a logician!' He bore me unto Minos, who entwined Eight times his tail about his stubborn back, And after he had bitten it in great rage, Said: 'Of the thievish fire a culprit this;' Wherefore, here where thou seest, am I lost, And vested thus in going I bemoan me.' 130/When it had thus completed its recital, The flame departed uttering lamentations, Writhing and flapping its sharp-pointed horn. Onward we passed, both I and my Conductor, Up o'er the crag above another arch, Which the moat covers, where is paid the fee By those who, sowing discord, win their burden. !CANTO XXVIII. Who ever could, e'en with untrammelled words, Tell of the blood and of the wounds in full Which now I saw, by many times narrating? Each tongue would for a certainty fall short By reason of our speech and memory, That have small room to comprehend so much. If were again assembled all the people Which formerly upon the fateful land Of Puglia were lamenting for their blood 10/Shed by the Romans and the lingering war That of the rings made such illustrious spoils, As Livy has recorded, who errs not, With those who felt the agony of blows By making counterstand to Robert Guiscard, And all the rest, whose bones are gathered still At Ceperano, where a renegade Was each Apulian, and at Tagliacozzo, Where without arms the old Alardo conquered, And one his limb transpierced, and one lopped off, 20/Should show, it would be nothing to compare With the disgusting mode of the ninth Bolgia. A cask by losing centre-piece or cant Was never shattered so, as I saw one Rent from the chin to where one breaketh wind. Between his legs were hanging down his entrails; His heart was visible, and the dismal sack That maketh excrement of what is eaten. While I was all absorbed in seeing him, He looked at me, and opened with his hands 30/His bosom, saying: 'See now how I rend me; How mutilated, see, is Mahomet; In front of me doth Ali weeping go, Cleft in the face from forelock unto chin; And all the others whom thou here beholdest, Disseminators of scandal and of schism While living were, and therefore are cleft thus. A devil is behind here, who doth cleave us Thus cruelly, unto the falchion's edge Putting again each one of all this ream, 40/When we have gone around the doleful road; By reason that our wounds are closed again Ere any one in front of him repass. But who art thou, that musest on the crag, Perchance to postpone going to the pain That is adjudged upon thine accusations?' 'He's not dead yet, and he's not a sinner,' My Master made reply, 'here for punishment; He's just here for the sightseeing. I, on the other hand, am dead, his guide. 50/I'm showing him the ropes of the place; Because God asked me to do this favor.' More than a hundred were there when they heard him, Who in the moat stood still to look at me, Through wonderment oblivious of their torture. 'Now say to Fra Dolcino, then, to arm him, Thou, who perhaps wilt shortly see the sun, If soon he wish not here to follow me, So with provisions, that no stress of snow May give the victory to the Novarese, 60/Which otherwise to gain would not be easy.' After one foot to go away he lifted, This word did Mahomet say unto me, Then to depart upon the ground he stretched it. Another one, who had his throat pierced through, And nose cut off close underneath the brows, And had no longer but a single ear, Staying to look in wonder with the others, Before the others did his gullet open, Which outwardly was red in every part, 70/And said: 'O thou, whom guilt doth not condemn, And whom I once saw up in Latian land, Unless too great similitude deceive me, Call to remembrance Pier da Medicina, If e'er thou see again the lovely plain That from Vercelli slopes to Marcabo, And make it known to the best two of Fano, To Messer Guido and Angiolello likewise, That if foreseeing here be not in vain, Cast over from their vessel shall they be, 80/And drowned near unto the Cattolica, By the betrayal of a tyrant fell. Between the isles of Cyprus and Majorca Neptune ne'er yet beheld so great a crime, Neither of pirates nor Argolic people. That traitor, who sees only with one eye, And holds the land, which some one here with me Would fain be fasting from the vision of, Will make them come unto a parley with him; Then will do so, that to Focara's wind 90/They will not stand in need of vow or prayer.' And I to him: 'Show to me and declare, If thou wouldst have me bear up news of thee, Who is this person of the bitter vision.' Then did he lay his hand upon the jaw Of one of his companions, and his mouth Oped, crying: 'This is he, and he speaks not. This one, being banished, every doubt submerged In Caesar by affirming the forearmed Always with detriment allowed delay.' 100/O how bewildered unto me appeared, With tongue asunder in his windpipe slit, Curio, who in speaking was so bold! And one, who both his hands dissevered had, The stumps uplifting through the murky air, So that the blood made horrible his face, Cried out: 'Thou shalt remember Mosca also, Who said, alas! 'A thing done has an end!' Which was an ill seed for the Tuscan people.' 'And death unto thy race,' thereto I added; 110/Whence he, accumulating woe on woe, Departed, like a person sad and crazed. But I remained to look upon the crowd; And saw a thing which I should be afraid, Without some further proof, even to recount, If it were not that conscience reassures me, That good companion which emboldens man Beneath the hauberk of its feeling pure. I truly saw, and still I seem to see it, A trunk without a head walk in like manner 120/As walked the others of the mournful herd. And by the hair it held the head dissevered, Hung from the hand in fashion of a lantern, And that upon us gazed and said: 'O me!' It of itself made to itself a lamp, And they were two in one, and one in two; How that can be, He knows who so ordains it. When it was come close to the bridge's foot, It lifted high its arm with all the head, To bring more closely unto us its words, 130/Which were: 'Behold now the sore penalty, Thou, who dost breathing go the dead beholding; Behold if any be as great as this. And so that thou may carry news of me, Know that Bertram de Born am I, the same Who gave to the Young King the evil comfort. I made the father and the son rebellious; Achitophel not more with Absalom And David did with his accursed goadings. Because I parted persons so united, 140/Parted do I now bear my brain, alas! From its beginning, which is in this trunk. Thus is observed in me the counterpoise.' !CANTO XXIX. The many people and the divers wounds These eyes of mine had so inebriated, That they were wishful to stand still and weep; But said Randius: 'What are you still looking at? What is there possibly of interest Down in the writhing ghost-men? You never stared like this before now; We still have a long road to walk, Twenty-two miles yet to go! Hurry! 10/It's already past midnright! See the moon? We have only a short amount of time left, So come on buckaroo, we gotta jet.' 'If thou hadst,' I made answer thereupon, 'Attended to the cause for which I looked, Perhaps a longer stay thou wouldst have pardoned.' Meanwhile my Guide departed, and behind him I went, already making my reply, And superadding: 'In that cavern where I held mine eyes with such attention fixed, 20/I think a spirit of my blood laments The sin which down below there costs so much.' Then said the Master: 'Don't think about it. Keep your eyes on the prize and move on; He isn't going anywhere, and you are; That is one of the advantages of being alive, You get to go to other places than this one And don't have to be stuck in one location. Just think of the places you could go! Albania, Morocco, Thailand, Space. Space! 30/You could go to Space!  Space is the place.' 'O my Conductor, his own violent death, Which is not yet avenged for him,' I said, 'By any who is sharer in the shame, Made him disdainful; whence he went away, As I imagine, without speaking to me, And thereby made me pity him the more.' Thus did we speak as far as the first place Upon the crag, which the next valley shows Down to the bottom, if there were more light. 40/When we were now right over the last cloister Of Malebolge, so that its lay-brothers Could manifest themselves unto our sight, Divers lamentings pierced me through and through, Which with compassion had their arrows barbed, Whereat mine ears I covered with my hands. What pain would be, if from the hospitals Of Valdichiana, 'twixt July and September, And of Maremma and Sardinia All the diseases in one moat were gathered, 50/Such was it here, and such a stench came from it As from putrescent limbs is wont to issue. We had descended on the furthest bank From the long crag, upon the left hand still, And then more vivid was my power of sight Down tow'rds the bottom, where the ministress Of the high Lord, Justice infallible, Punishes forgers, which she here records. I do not think a sadder sight to see Was in Aegina the whole people sick, 60/(When was the air so full of pestilence, The animals, down to the little worm, All fell, and afterwards the ancient people, According as the poets have affirmed, Were from the seed of ants restored again,) Than was it to behold through that dark valley The spirits languishing in divers heaps. This on the belly, that upon the back One of the other lay, and others crawling Shifted themselves along the dismal road. 70/We step by step went onward without speech, Gazing upon and listening to the sick Who had not strength enough to lift their bodies. I saw two sitting leaned against each other, As leans in heating platter against platter, From head to foot bespotted o'er with scabs; And never saw I plied a currycomb By stable-boy for whom his master waits, Or him who keeps awake unwillingly, As every one was plying fast the bite 80/Of nails upon himself, for the great rage Of itching which no other succour had. And the nails downward with them dragged the scab, In fashion as a knife the scales of bream, Or any other fish that has them largest. 'Hey you!  Yeah, yous with the fingers,' Began my Leader unto one of them, 'The finger-guys who pinch sometimes, Are any of you Italians by chance? My buddy here likes talking to Italians, 90/Not that he's racist or anything.' 'Latians are we, whom thou so wasted seest, Both of us here,' one weeping made reply; 'But who art thou, that questionest about us?' And said the Guide: 'I am the Macho Man! With boldness I leap from cliff to cliff, And I intend to show Hell to this guy.' Then broken was their mutual support, And trembling each one turned himself to me, With others who had heard him by rebound. 100/Wholly to me did the good Master gather, Saying: 'Now you can talk to them.' And I began, since he would have it so: 'So may your memory not steal away In the first world from out the minds of men, But so may it survive 'neath many suns, Say to me who ye are, and of what people; Let not your foul and loathsome punishment Make you afraid to show yourselves to me.' 'I of Arezzo was,' one made reply, 110/'And Albert of Siena had me burned; But what I died for does not bring me here. 'Tis true I said to him, speaking in jest, That I could rise by flight into the air, And he who had conceit, but little wit, Would have me show to him the art; and only Because no Daedalus I made him, made me Be burned by one who held him as his son. But unto the last Bolgia of the ten, For alchemy, which in the world I practised, 120/Minos, who cannot err, has me condemned.' And to the Poet said I: 'Now was ever So vain a people as the Sienese? Not for a certainty the French by far.' Whereat the other leper, who had heard me, Replied unto my speech: 'Taking out Stricca, Who knew the art of moderate expenses, And Niccolo, who the luxurious use Of cloves discovered earliest of all Within that garden where such seed takes root; 130/And taking out the band, among whom squandered Caccia d'Ascian his vineyards and vast woods, And where his wit the Abbagliato proffered! But, that thou know who thus doth second thee Against the Sienese, make sharp thine eye Tow'rds me, so that my face well answer thee, And thou shalt see I am Capocchio's shade, Who metals falsified by alchemy; Thou must remember, if I well descry thee, How I a skilful ape of nature was.' !CANTO XXX. 'Twas at the time when Juno was enraged, For Semele, against the Theban blood, As she already more than once had shown, So reft of reason Athamas became, That, seeing his own wife with children twain Walking encumbered upon either hand, He cried: 'Spread out the nets, that I may take The lioness and her whelps upon the passage;' And then extended his unpitying claws, 10/Seizing the first, who had the name Learchus, And whirled him round, and dashed him on a rock; And she, with the other burthen, drowned herself;-- And at the time when fortune downward hurled The Trojan's arrogance, that all things dared, So that the king was with his kingdom crushed, Hecuba sad, disconsolate, and captive, When lifeless she beheld Polyxena, And of her Polydorus on the shore Of ocean was the dolorous one aware, 20/Out of her senses like a dog she barked, So much the anguish had her mind distorted; But not of Thebes the furies nor the Trojan Were ever seen in any one so cruel In goading beasts, and much more human members, As I beheld two shadows pale and naked, Who, biting, in the manner ran along That a boar does, when from the sty turned loose. One to Capocchio came, and by the nape Seized with its teeth his neck, so that in dragging 30/It made his belly grate the solid bottom. And the Aretine, who trembling had remained, Said to me: 'That mad sprite is Gianni Schicchi, And raving goes thus harrying other people.' 'O,' said I to him, 'so may not the other Set teeth on thee, let it not weary thee To tell us who it is, ere it dart hence.' And he to me: 'That is the ancient ghost Of the nefarious Myrrha, who became Beyond all rightful love her father's lover. 40/She came to sin with him after this manner, By counterfeiting of another's form; As he who goeth yonder undertook, That he might gain the lady of the herd, To counterfeit in himself Buoso Donati, Making a will and giving it due form.' And after the two maniacs had passed On whom I held mine eye, I turned it back To look upon the other evil-born. I saw one made in fashion of a lute, 50/If he had only had the groin cut off Just at the point at which a man is forked. The heavy dropsy, that so disproportions The limbs with humours, which it ill concocts, That the face corresponds not to the belly, Compelled him so to hold his lips apart As does the hectic, who because of thirst One tow'rds the chin, the other upward turns. 'O ye, who without any torment are, And why I know not, in the world of woe,' 60/He said to us, 'behold, and be attentive Unto the misery of Master Adam; I had while living much of what I wished, And now, alas! a drop of water crave. The rivulets, that from the verdant hills Of Cassentin descend down into Arno, Making their channels to be cold and moist, Ever before me stand, and not in vain; For far more doth their image dry me up Than the disease which strips my face of flesh. 70/The rigid justice that chastises me Draweth occasion from the place in which I sinned, to put the more my sighs in flight. There is Romena, where I counterfeited The currency imprinted with the Baptist, For which I left my body burned above. But if I here could see the tristful soul Of Guido, or Alessandro, or their brother, For Branda's fount I would not give the sight. One is within already, if the raving 80/Shades that are going round about speak truth; But what avails it me, whose limbs are tied? If I were only still so light, that in A hundred years I could advance one inch, I had already started on the way, Seeking him out among this squalid folk, Although the circuit be eleven miles, And be not less than half a mile across. For them am I in such a family; They did induce me into coining florins, 90/Which had three carats of impurity.' And I to him: 'Who are the two poor wretches That smoke like unto a wet hand in winter, Lying there close upon thy right-hand confines?' 'I found them here,' replied he, 'when I rained Into this chasm, and since they have not turned, Nor do I think they will for evermore. One the false woman is who accused Joseph, The other the false Sinon, Greek of Troy; From acute fever they send forth such reek.' 100/And one of them, who felt himself annoyed At being, peradventure, named so darkly, Smote with the fist upon his hardened paunch. It gave a sound, as if it were a drum; And Master Adam smote him in the face, With arm that did not seem to be less hard, Saying to him: 'Although be taken from me All motion, for my limbs that heavy are, I have an arm unfettered for such need.' Whereat he answer made: 'When thou didst go 110/Unto the fire, thou hadst it not so ready: But hadst it so and more when thou wast coining.' The dropsical: 'Thou sayest true in that; But thou wast not so true a witness there, Where thou wast questioned of the truth at Troy.' 'If I spake false, thou falsifiedst the coin,' Said Sinon; 'and for one fault I am here, And thou for more than any other demon.' 'Remember, perjurer, about the horse,' He made reply who had the swollen belly, 120/'And rueful be it thee the whole world knows it.' 'Rueful to thee the thirst be wherewith cracks Thy tongue,' the Greek said, 'and the putrid water That hedges so thy paunch before thine eyes.' Then the false-coiner: 'So is gaping wide Thy mouth for speaking evil, as 'tis wont; Because if I have thirst, and humour stuff me Thou hast the burning and the head that aches, And to lick up the mirror of Narcissus Thou wouldst not want words many to invite thee.' 130/In listening to them was I wholly fixed, When said the Master to me: 'Just look, Don't speak, or I'll get mad at you.' When him I heard in anger speak to me, I turned me round towards him with such shame That still it eddies through my memory. And as he is who dreams of his own harm, Who dreaming wishes it may be a dream, So that he craves what is, as if it were not; Such I became, not having power to speak, 140/For to excuse myself I wished, and still Excused myself, and did not think I did it. 'People have felt less bad over worse sins,' The Master said, 'than you have committed; So don't beat yourself up about it, Remember that the Macho Man is beside you, And that while we are together all is well Take this knowledge and with it be secure; And in the future ignore boring gossipheads.' !CANTO XXXI. One and the selfsame tongue first wounded me, So that it tinged the one cheek and the other, And then held out to me the medicine; Thus do I hear that once Achilles' spear, His and his father's, used to be the cause First of a sad and then a gracious boon. We turned our backs upon the wretched valley, Upon the bank that girds it round about, Going across it without any speech. 10/There it was less than night, and less than day, So that my sight went little in advance; But I could hear the blare of a loud horn, So loud it would have made each thunder faint, Which, counter to it following its way, Mine eyes directed wholly to one place. After the dolorous discomfiture When Charlemagne the holy emprise lost, So terribly Orlando sounded not. Short while my head turned thitherward I held 20/When many lofty towers I seemed to see, Whereat I: 'Master, say, what town is this?' And he to me: 'You're looking far ahead Into what is deep and black darkness, I think you don't know what you see. When we get there you will find out, How wrong you are about what you see; So I'll say yet again: keep moving.' Then tenderly he took me by the hand, And said: 'Before we go any further, 30/To prep you for what is coming up, I'm going to tell you right now what to expect, Those things are giants yo, not towers. They're huge.  Don't mess with them.' As, when the fog is vanishing away, Little by little doth the sight refigure Whate'er the mist that crowds the air conceals, So, piercing through the dense and darksome air, More and more near approaching tow'rd the verge, My error fled, and fear came over me; 40/Because as on its circular parapets Montereggione crowns itself with towers, E'en thus the margin which surrounds the well With one half of their bodies turreted The horrible giants, whom Jove menaces E'en now from out the heavens when he thunders. And I of one already saw the face, Shoulders, and breast, and great part of the belly, And down along his sides both of the arms. Certainly Nature, when she left the making 50/Of animals like these, did well indeed, By taking such executors from Mars; And if of elephants and whales she doth not Repent her, whosoever looketh subtly More just and more discreet will hold her for it; For where the argument of intellect Is added unto evil will and power, No rampart can the people make against it. His face appeared to me as long and large As is at Rome the pine-cone of Saint Peter's, 60/And in proportion were the other bones; So that the margin, which an apron was Down from the middle, showed so much of him Above it, that to reach up to his hair Three Frieslanders in vain had vaunted them; For I beheld thirty great palms of him Down from the place where man his mantle buckles. 'Raphael mai amech izabi almi,' Began to clamour the ferocious mouth, To which were not befitting sweeter psalms. 70/And unto him my Guide: 'Idiot soul, Get away from us and blow your horn, Whenever you are feeling out of sorts. It's hanging around your neck, you fool I know you're too stupid to remember this, But if you look down you'll surely find it.' Then said to me: 'This guy is The Worst; His name is Nimrod and he lives up to it. He barely is able to understand words. Don't bother talking to him, it's pointless; 80/He will probably just get mad and confused That's what always happens. I would know.' Therefore a longer journey did we make, Turned to the left, and a crossbow-shot oft We found another far more fierce and large. In binding him, who might the master be I cannot say; but he had pinioned close Behind the right arm, and in front the other, With chains, that held him so begirt about From the neck down, that on the part uncovered 90/It wound itself as far as the fifth gyre. 'This cocky fellow decided to pick a fight And pit his own strength against Jupiter,' My Leader said, 'the God, not the planet. Ephialtes is his name; and he was strong. But not strong enough to defeat Zeus; So now he's chained here like a sucker.' And I to him: 'If possible, I should wish That of the measureless Briareus These eyes of mine might have experience.' 100/Whence he replied: 'You'll get to see Antaeus He's close by and free to speak with us, Lucky for him he never was chained up. Further past him is the one you mentioned, He is bound, much like Ephialtes here, Except Briareus is way more fearsome.' There never was an earthquake of such might That it could shake a tower so violently, As Ephialtes suddenly shook himself. Then was I more afraid of death than ever, 110/For nothing more was needful than the fear, If I had not beheld the manacles. Then we proceeded farther in advance, And to Antaeus came, who, full five ells Without the head, forth issued from the cavern. 'Hey Antaeus buddy, long time no see! How's it going down here?  Still sucky? That's a shame. Look, this here is Dante. I'm guiding his sorry rear through Hell, And we need a little bit of help from you. 120/Do you think you could lend us a hand? It would take us a long time of traveling Whereas if you could grap and pick us up, We could make some really excellent time. Don't forget that you owe me Antaeus, I never collected on last month's poker game; And if you do this for us I'll call us square. Plus there's something in it for you as well; This guy is alive; when he goes back to Earth, He'll totally tell everybody how cool you are.' 130/So said the Master; and in haste the other His hands extended and took up my Guide,-- Hands whose great pressure Hercules once felt. Virgilius, when he felt himself embraced, Said unto me: 'Come on buddy, grab my hand;' Then of himself and me one bundle made. As seems the Carisenda, to behold Beneath the leaning side, when goes a cloud Above it so that opposite it hangs; Such did Antaeus seem to me, who stood 140/Watching to see him stoop, and then it was I could have wished to go some other way. But lightly in the abyss, which swallows up Judas with Lucifer, he put us down; Nor thus bowed downward made he there delay, But, as a mast does in a ship, uprose. !CANTO XXXII. If I had rhymes both rough and stridulous, As were appropriate to the dismal hole Down upon which thrust all the other rocks, I would press out the juice of my conception More fully; but because I have them not, Not without fear I bring myself to speak; For 'tis no enterprise to take in jest, To sketch the bottom of all the universe, Nor for a tongue that cries Mamma and Babbo. 10/But may those Ladies help this verse of mine, Who helped Amphion in enclosing Thebes, That from the fact the word be not diverse. O rabble ill-begotten above all, Who're in the place to speak of which is hard, 'Twere better ye had here been sheep or goats! When we were down within the darksome well, Beneath the giant's feet, but lower far, And I was scanning still the lofty wall, I heard it said to me: 'Look how thou steppest! 20/Take heed thou do not trample with thy feet The heads of the tired, miserable brothers!' Whereat I turned me round, and saw before me And underfoot a lake, that from the frost The semblance had of glass, and not of water. So thick a veil ne'er made upon its current In winter-time Danube in Austria, Nor there beneath the frigid sky the Don, As there was here; so that if Tambernich Had fallen upon it, or Pietrapana, 30/E'en at the edge 'twould not have given a creak. And as to croak the frog doth place himself With muzzle out of water,--when is dreaming Of gleaning oftentimes the peasant-girl,-- Livid, as far down as where shame appears, Were the disconsolate shades within the ice, Setting their teeth unto the note of storks. Each one his countenance held downward bent; From mouth the cold, from eyes the doleful heart Among them witness of itself procures. 40/When round about me somewhat I had looked, I downward turned me, and saw two so close, The hair upon their heads together mingled. 'Ye who so strain your breasts together, tell me,' I said, 'who are you;' and they bent their necks, And when to me their faces they had lifted, Their eyes, which first were only moist within, Gushed o'er the eyelids, and the frost congealed The tears between, and locked them up again. Clamp never bound together wood with wood 50/So strongly; whereat they, like two he-goats, Butted together, so much wrath o'ercame them. And one, who had by reason of the cold Lost both his ears, still with his visage downward, Said: 'Why dost thou so mirror thyself in us? If thou desire to know who these two are, The valley whence Bisenzio descends Belonged to them and to their father Albert. They from one body came, and all Caina Thou shalt search through, and shalt not find a shade 60/More worthy to be fixed in gelatine; Not he in whom were broken breast and shadow At one and the same blow by Arthur's hand; Focaccia not; not he who me encumbers So with his head I see no farther forward, And bore the name of Sassol Mascheroni; Well knowest thou who he was, if thou art Tuscan. And that thou put me not to further speech, Know that I Camicion de' Pazzi was, And wait Carlino to exonerate me.' 70/Then I beheld a thousand faces, made Purple with cold; whence o'er me comes a shudder, And evermore will come, at frozen ponds. And while we were advancing tow'rds the middle, Where everything of weight unites together, And I was shivering in the eternal shade, Whether 'twere will, or destiny, or chance, I know not; but in walking 'mong the heads I struck my foot hard in the face of one. Weeping he growled: 'Why dost thou trample me? 80/Unless thou comest to increase the vengeance of Montaperti, why dost thou molest me?' And I: 'My Master, now wait here for me, That I through him may issue from a doubt; Then thou mayst hurry me, as thou shalt wish.' The Leader stopped; and to that one I said Who was blaspheming vehemently still: 'Who art thou, that thus reprehendest others?' 'Now who art thou, that goest through Antenora Smiting,' replied he, 'other people's cheeks, 90/So that, if thou wert living, 'twere too much?' 'Living I am, and dear to thee it may be,' Was my response, 'if thou demandest fame, That 'mid the other notes thy name I place.' And he to me: 'For the reverse I long; Take thyself hence, and give me no more trouble; For ill thou knowest to flatter in this hollow.' Then by the scalp behind I seized upon him, And said: 'It must needs be thou name thyself, Or not a hair remain upon thee here.' 100/Whence he to me: 'Though thou strip off my hair, I will not tell thee who I am, nor show thee, If on my head a thousand times thou fall.' I had his hair in hand already twisted, And more than one shock of it had pulled out, He barking, with his eyes held firmly down, When cried another: 'What doth ail thee, Bocca? Is't not enough to clatter with thy jaws, But thou must bark? what devil touches thee?' 'Now,' said I, 'I care not to have thee speak, 110/Accursed traitor; for unto thy shame I will report of thee veracious news.' 'Begone,' replied he, 'and tell what thou wilt, But be not silent, if thou issue hence, Of him who had just now his tongue so prompt; He weepeth here the silver of the French; 'I saw,' thus canst thou phrase it, 'him of Duera There where the sinners stand out in the cold.' If thou shouldst questioned be who else was there, Thou hast beside thee him of Beccaria, 120/Of whom the gorget Florence slit asunder; Gianni del Soldanier, I think, may be Yonder with Ganellon, and Tebaldello Who oped Faenza when the people slep.' Already we had gone away from him, When I beheld two frozen in one hole, So that one head a hood was to the other; And even as bread through hunger is devoured, The uppermost on the other set his teeth, There where the brain is to the nape united. 130/Not in another fashion Tydeus gnawed The temples of Menalippus in disdain, Than that one did the skull and the other things. 'O thou, who showest by such bestial sign Thy hatred against him whom thou art eating, Tell me the wherefore,' said I, 'with this compact, That if thou rightfully of him complain, In knowing who ye are, and his transgression, I in the world above repay thee for it, If that wherewith I speak be not dried up.' !CANTO XXXIII. His mouth uplifted from his grim repast, That sinner, wiping it upon the hair Of the same head that he behind had wasted. Then he began: 'Thou wilt that I renew The desperate grief, which wrings my heart already To think of only, ere I speak of it; But if my words be seed that may bear fruit Of infamy to the traitor whom I gnaw, Speaking and weeping shalt thou see together. 10/I know not who thou art, nor by what mode Thou hast come down here; but a Florentine Thou seemest to me truly, when I hear thee. Thou hast to know I was Count Ugolino, And this one was Ruggieri the Archbishop; Now I will tell thee why I am such a neighbour. That, by effect of his malicious thoughts, Trusting in him I was made prisoner, And after put to death, I need not say; But ne'ertheless what thou canst not have heard, 20/That is to say, how cruel was my death, Hear shalt thou, and shalt know if he has wronged me. A narrow perforation in the mew, Which bears because of me the title of Famine, And in which others still must be locked up, Had shown me through its opening many moons Already, when I dreamed the evil dream Which of the future rent for me the veil. This one appeared to me as lord and master, Hunting the wolf and whelps upon the mountain 30/For which the Pisans cannot Lucca see. With sleuth-hounds gaunt, and eager, and well trained, Gualandi with Sismondi and Lanfianchi He had sent out before him to the front. After brief course seemed unto me forespent The father and the sons, and with sharp tushes It seemed to me I saw their flanks ripped open. When I before the morrow was awake, Moaning amid their sleep I heard my sons Who with me were, and asking after bread. 40/Cruel indeed art thou, if yet thou grieve not, Thinking of what my heart foreboded me, And weep'st thou not, what art thou wont to weep at? They were awake now, and the hour drew nigh At which our food used to be brought to us, And through his dream was each one apprehensive; And I heard locking up the under door Of the horrible tower; whereat without a word I gazed into the faces of my sons. I wept not, I within so turned to stone; 50/They wept; and darling little Anselm mine Said: 'Thou dost gaze so, father, what doth ail thee?' Still not a tear I shed, nor answer made All of that day, nor yet the night thereafter, Until another sun rose on the world. As now a little glimmer made its way Into the dolorous prison, and I saw Upon four faces my own very aspect, Both of my hands in agony I bit; And, thinking that I did it from desire 60/Of eating, on a sudden they uprose, And said they: 'Father, much less pain 'twill give us If thou do eat of us; thyself didst clothe us With this poor flesh, and do thou strip it off.' I calmed me then, not to make them more sad. That day we all were silent, and the next. Ah! obdurate earth, wherefore didst thou not open? When we had come unto the fourth day, Gaddo Threw himself down outstretched before my feet, Saying, 'My father, why dost thou not help me?' 70/And there he died; and, as thou seest me, I saw the three fall, one by one, between The fifth day and the sixth; whence I betook me, Already blind, to groping over each, And three days called them after they were dead; Then hunger did what sorrow could not do.' When he had said this, with his eyes distorted, The wretched skull resumed he with his teeth, Which, as a dog's, upon the bone were strong. Ah! Pisa, thou opprobrium of the people 80/Of the fair land there where the 'Si' doth sound, Since slow to punish thee thy neighbours are, Let the Capraia and Gorgona move, And make a hedge across the mouth of Arno That every person in thee it may drown! For if Count Ugolino had the fame Of having in thy castles thee betrayed, Thou shouldst not on such cross have put his sons. Guiltless of any crime, thou modern Thebes! Their youth made Uguccione and Brigata, 90/And the other two my song doth name above! We passed still farther onward, where the ice Another people ruggedly enswathes, Not downward turned, but all of them reversed. Weeping itself there does not let them weep, And grief that finds a barrier in the eyes Turns itself inward to increase the anguish; Because the earliest tears a cluster form, And, in the manner of a crystal visor, Fill all the cup beneath the eyebrow full. 100/And notwithstanding that, as in a callus, Because of cold all sensibility Its station had abandoned in my face, Still it appeared to me I felt some wind; Whence I: 'My Master, who sets this in motion? Is not below here every vapour quenched?' Whence he to me: 'Very soon you'll know. You will see with your own eyes the answer, And know the source of the frigid winds.' And one of the wretches of the frozen crust 110/Cried out to us: 'O souls so merciless That the last post is given unto you, Lift from mine eyes the rigid veils, that I May vent the sorrow which impregns my heart A little, e'er the weeping recongeal.' Whence I to him: 'If thou wouldst have me help thee Say who thou wast; and if I free thee not, May I go to the bottom of the ice.' Then he replied: 'I am Friar Alberigo; He am I of the fruit of the bad garden, 120/Who here a date am getting for my fig.' 'O,' said I to him, 'now art thou, too, dead?' And he to me: 'How may my body fare Up in the world, no knowledge I possess. Such an advantage has this Ptolomaea, That oftentimes the soul descendeth here Sooner than Atropos in motion sets it. And, that thou mayest more willingly remove From off my countenance these glassy tears, Know that as soon as any soul betrays 130/As I have done, his body by a demon Is taken from him, who thereafter rules it, Until his time has wholly been revolved. Itself down rushes into such a cistern; And still perchance above appears the body Of yonder shade, that winters here behind me. This thou shouldst know, if thou hast just come down; It is Ser Branca d' Oria, and many years Have passed away since he was thus locked up.' 'I think,' said I to him, 'thou dost deceive me; 140/For Branca d' Oria is not dead as yet, And eats, and drinks, and sleeps, and puts on clothes.' 'In moat above,' said he, 'of Malebranche, There where is boiling the tenacious pitch, As yet had Michel Zanche not arrived, When this one left a devil in his stead In his own body and one near of kin, Who made together with him the betrayal. But hitherward stretch out thy hand forthwith, Open mine eyes;'--and open them I did not, 150/And to be rude to him was courtesy. Ah, Genoese! ye men at variance With every virtue, full of every vice Wherefore are ye not scattered from the world? For with the vilest spirit of Romagna I found of you one such, who for his deeds In soul already in Cocytus bathes, And still above in body seems alive! !CANTO XXXIV. 'Now we are in the pit of Hell, Now look at what lies at the core,' My Master said, 'if you can see him.' As, when there breathes a heavy fog, or when Our hemisphere is darkening into night, Appears far off a mill the wind is turning, Methought that such a building then I saw; And, for the wind, I drew myself behind My Guide, because there was no other shelter. 10/Now was I, and with fear in verse I put it, There where the shades were wholly covered up, And glimmered through like unto straws in glass. Some prone are lying, others stand erect, This with the head, and that one with the soles; Another, bow-like, face to feet inverts. When in advance so far we had proceeded, That it my Master pleased to show to me The creature who once had the beauteous semblance, He from before me moved and made me stop, 20/Saying: 'Look upon the core of Hell, And summon your most Macho of spirits!' How frozen I became and powerless then, Ask it not, Reader, for I write it not, Because all language would be insufficient. I did not die, and I alive remained not; Think for thyself now, hast thou aught of wit, What I became, being of both deprived. The Emperor of the kingdom dolorous From his mid-breast forth issued from the ice; 30/And better with a giant I compare Than do the giants with those arms of his; Consider now how great must be that whole, Which unto such a part conforms itself. Were he as fair once, as he now is foul, And lifted up his brow against his Maker, Well may proceed from him all tribulation. O, what a marvel it appeared to me, When I beheld three faces on his head! The one in front, and that vermilion was; 40/Two were the others, that were joined with this Above the middle part of either shoulder, And they were joined together at the crest; And the right-hand one seemed 'twixt white and yellow; The left was such to look upon as those Who come from where the Nile falls valley-ward. Underneath each came forth two mighty wings, Such as befitting were so great a bird; Sails of the sea I never saw so large. No feathers had they, but as of a bat 50/Their fashion was; and he was waving them, So that three winds proceeded forth therefrom. Thereby Cocytus wholly was congealed. With six eyes did he weep, and down three chins Trickled the tear-drops and the bloody drivel. At every mouth he with his teeth was crunching A sinner, in the manner of a brake, So that he three of them tormented thus. To him in front the biting was as naught Unto the clawing, for sometimes the spine 60/Utterly stripped of all the skin remained. 'That soul up there which has the greatest pain,' The Master said, 'is Judas Iscariot; You cna probably figure out why. If you look a little lower in the mouth, You can see a fellow hanging; that's Brutus. The way he writhes shows he must be in pain. The third one there is Cassius. See him? But the night is almost over now, yes? We need to press on. You've seen it all.' 70/As seemed him good, I clasped him round the neck, And he the vantage seized of time and place, And when the wings were opened wide apart, He laid fast hold upon the shaggy sides; From fell to fell descended downward then Between the thick hair and the frozen crust. When we were come to where the thigh revolves Exactly on the thickness of the haunch, The Guide, with labour and with hard-drawn breath, Turned round his head where he had had his legs, 80/And grappled to the hair, as one who mounts, So that to Hell I thought we were returning. 'Hold on tight and make sure not to slip,' The Master said, panting as one fatigued, 'We are leaving the center of evil behind.' Then through the opening of a rock he issued, And down upon the margin seated me; Then tow'rds me he outstretched his wary step. I lifted up mine eyes and thought to see Lucifer in the same way I had left him; 90/And I beheld him upward hold his legs. And if I then became disquieted, Let stolid people think who do not see What the point is beyond which I had passed. 'Rise up,' the Master said, 'on your feet; The way is long, and the road is hard, And the sun is now rising in the sky.' It was not any palace corridor There where we were, but dungeon natural, With floor uneven and unease of light. 100/'Ere from the abyss I tear myself away, My Master,' said I when I had arisen, 'To draw me from an error speak a little; Where is the ice? and how is this one fixed Thus upside down? and how in such short time From eve to morn has the sun made his transit?' And he to me: 'A wizard did it.' A place there is below, from Beelzebub As far receding as the tomb extends, Which not by sight is known, but by the sound 110/Of a small rivulet, that there descendeth Through chasm within the stone, which it has gnawed With course that winds about and slightly falls. The Guide and I into that hidden road Now entered, to return to the bright world; And without care of having any rest We mounted up, he first and I the second, Till I beheld through a round aperture Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear; Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars.

#frog fractions 2

[gotham-ruaidh]

Pas De Deux - A  Moodboard (Three Part) One-Shot (Part Three)

@iamnottrisha​ - thanks for organizing!

@taamagams - thanks for creating this beautiful moodboard!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

They split the bill for dinner, and then Claire let Jamie take her hand and lead her across the street. Lights in the fountain sparked reflections across all three buildings at Lincoln Center.

 “I’ve never been here before,” she breathed.

 Jamie pulled her tightly against his side, watching people bustle about the complex. “I’m glad to give this to you,” he whispered, kissing her temple.

 Something surged within her – but Jamie was already tugging at her hand, striding toward the building at the back of the square.

 “Sometimes I’m sorry that I didn’t see the original Metropolitan Opera House, before this complex was built by Robert Moses in the 60s.” Jamie’s voice was strong, quiet, as they approached the theater. “But I do have to say – there’s something very special about this place.”

 Once inside, he went directly to the Will Call.

 “Two for tonight’s performance, please. Last name is Fraser.”

 And then she stared down at her ticket.

 “Swan Lake,” she whispered.

 “Of course. I told you it’s one of my favorites. But I didn’t tell you that my sister Jenny is dancing in it tonight.”

 Stunned, Claire met his smiling eyes.

 “How else do you think I could have afforded these tickets?”

 --

 Walking up the curving, red carpeted staircase to their seats was like something out of a dream.

 “Some people say that orchestra seating is the best,” Jamie explained as they carefully walked down the sloping aisle to their seats at the front of the balcony. “But I like sitting up here – you can see the entire stage, plus the musicians.”

 Heavy gold curtains draped across the stage. Claire watched individual musicians warm up in the pit, practicing their scales, laughing with each other.

 “How long has your sister been with the ballet company?”

 “About ten years now – she’s worked her way up to be what they call a principal dancer. And one of only a handful of dancers in the New York City ballet who are actually from New York City. The company truly seeks the best talent from all around the world.”

 Claire thumbed through her Playbill – Jamie was right. Dancers hailed from Kiev, and Buenos Aires, and Paris, and Moscow, and Los Angeles.

 “I don’t see a Fraser,” she frowned.

 Jamie’s finger pointed out a smiling, dark-haired woman. “Janet Murray. She’s married to my best friend Ian – we all went to school together. She’s one of the only married dancers.”

 “Is Ian a dancer as well?”

 “God, no!” Jamie laughed. “He’s a police officer. Passed the sergeant’s exam earlier this year.”

 Claire shook her head, then squinted at Jenny’s photograph. “I’d expected she’d be red-haired, like you.”

 “She takes after Dad’s side of the family – they were all much darker in complexion. I take after Mom’s side.”

 She turned the page. “Jenny is dancing Odette. Is that the main character?”

 “Yes. She’s danced in this ballet many times, but only this season she’s started dancing Odette.”

 Claire set down her Playbill, and took both of Jamie’s hands. “Thank you for taking me here. It’s – it’s all so much more than I ever could have expected.”

 He raised one of her hands to his lips, and kissed it ever so gently. “Thank you for allowing me to take you here. It’s…I’ve never had anyone to share this with. Who would appreciate it.”

 He flushed.

 “Did you ever dance ballet, Jamie?”

 “I tried – but I don’t have the coordination for it. I’d rather be drawing.”

 “So – what do you draw?”

 “Whatever I see around me. I like charcoal – it’s so simple, so freeing. Just a few strokes and life begins to take shape.”

 She crossed one leg, rubbing her boot against his. “Anything in particular that you like to draw?”

 “People. Faces. I drew a lot of dancers when Jenny and I were growing up – I had my Degas phase. It’s very hard to capture movement accurately.”

 “Would you like to draw me?”

 Quickly Jamie glanced at his watch, then fished around in his jacket pocket, producing a small rectangular metal case.

 “That looks like what my uncle would put his cigarettes in.”

 He lay the case on the armrest between them, and carefully flicked it open. “It used to be something like that.” He turned it around so that Claire could see inside – six neat rectangles of chalk, black and white and four shades of gray. “Now I never leave home without it.”

 He flipped through his Playbill, removed the paper insert announcing the casting change for the night, and placed it, blank side up, on his knees. He turned in his seat, balancing carefully, facing her. Began to draw.

 Suddenly self-conscious, Claire swallowed, feeling her cheeks flush.

 “Hold still,” he whispered, eyes flicking between her face and the paper.

 She did, mind racing, watching as he rotated the paper, smudged it a bit with the pads of his fingers, then smiled once it was all done.

 “Here.” He held it out between them.

 It was her, all right – rendered in the most delicate of lines. With just three sweeps of chalk he had captured her brow, cheeks, nose, chin – and smile.

 Simple. Stunning.

 She swallowed, fishing in her purse for a tissue. “Here – I didn’t see anything in that case to clean your hands with.”

 Tentatively she took the drawing, studying it as he wiped his hands.

 “It’s amazing how quickly you can do that.”

 “It’s easy when I have a beautiful subject.”

 She closed her eyes. Knowing he could see her hands shake.

 “What are we doing, Jamie?”

 “We’re going to watch the ballet. I’ll hold you close to me, and tell you the story, and hope against hope that you’ll continue to open your heart to me. And then when it’s done, I’ll introduce you to my sister. Maybe we’ll go for a drink. And I’ll see you back home to Adso.”

 His warm, warm hand carefully rested on her knee. “I hope that one day, you’ll see this drawing and remember every moment – every second – of this night.”

 She swallowed. “I can’t believe I found you.”

 Her hand found his. Carefully he slipped the drawing into his Playbill, set it on the floor, and enveloped her hand in between both of his. “We found each other, Claire.”

 Then a chime sounded, and the light fixtures began ascending up to the ceiling, and they settled into their seats – Jamie’s strong arm around her back, his hand safe between both of Claire’s.

 He kept his promises that night.

 Whispering the story unfolding on the stage:

 That’s Prince Siegfried, and his overbearing mother who tells him he must choose a bride at the royal ball. He’s upset that he can’t marry for love. His buddies try to cheer him up, but it’s no use. As evening falls, Siegfried sees a flock of swans flying overhead, and suggests they go on a hunt to clear his mind.

 Now here we pick up the story a bit later – and we see Siegfried lost at the lakeside. A flock of swans lands – and just as he aims his bow, one of them transforms into Odette. I can say Odette, and not Jenny, because to be honest I can’t recognize her with her hair and makeup and costume. You can see how terrified she is – but Siegfried explains that he won’t harm her. She tells him that she and the other swans are the victims of a curse from an evil sorcerer. By day they are swans, and by night, beside this enchanted lake, they regain their human form.

 Odette tells him that the spell can only be broken if a man who has never loved before, swears to Odette that he will love her forever.

 Then the sorcerer appears, and Siegfried wants to kill him – but Odette persuades him not to, for she fears that if the sorcerer dies, she will be cursed to live under the terrible spell forever.

 Odette and Siegfried fall in love, that night by the lake – and as dawn breaks, she and her companions turn into swans again.

 Now here we are the following evening at the costume ball – where Siegfried has been ordered to find a wife. Here are the girls his mother wants him to marry. And look – here is the sorcerer, in disguise, with his daughter who is disguised to resemble Odette. Siegfried gives her attention, thinking she is Odette.

 And now we see Odette appear in her human form, trying desperately to warn Siegfried – but he doesn’t see her. And he proclaims to the court that he will marry the sorcerer’s daughter. But then the sorcerer shows Siegfried a magical vision of Odette – and he realizes she’s not there. He flees the castle, hurrying back to the lake to find her.

 Odette is distraught. Siegfried appears and apologizes. Odette realizes she can never have the life with him that she wants, so she chooses to die. Siegfried chooses to die with her, and they leap into the lake. This breaks the sorcerer’s spell over the other swans. He dies. And in the last scene of the ballet, the swan maidens watch Siegfried and Odette ascend to heaven together.

 The orchestra rose to a crashing crescendo, followed by a sliver of silence. The crowd rose to its feet with thundering applause.

 Claire turned to Jamie, tears streaking down her face. She caressed his cheek and pulled him close for a long, long, sweet kiss.

 “I’ve never loved before, Claire,” he rasped against her lips. “But I hope – ”

 “I only want to be under your spell, Jamie,” she whispered, pulling him back for more.

#outlander #outlander fanfic #pas de deux

[nataliedanovelist]

GF - Where the Crop Circles Grow ch.2

Summary: When things get out of hand at the Pines’ family farm, Ford asks an old college buddy to assist investigating anomalies and Stan hires a farmhand. Who knew asking for help would actually get you somewhere?

For @lemonfodrizzleart. Part of her Farmer AU and featuring her OC, Jackie Asante.

Ao3 link here.

ch.1 - ch.3

~~~~~~~~~~

A loud scream Jackie wasn’t prepared for disturbed her slumber and made her jump, lying on her stomach and propping the upper-half of her body up with her hands pushing against the mattress. She calmed down as she became used to the crowing of the rooster… or an opera singer dying… one of the two. Jackie relaxed and fell back on the bed. So that’s what Stan had meant yesterday.

Looking forward to her first day, Jackie hopped out of bed and started to get dressed in blue jeans and a white t-shirt with boots. No sense taking a shower now since she would get sweaty and gross later; she’d treat herself to a bath after dinner, like she did yesterday. After a quick brush through her jet-black hair, she took in a deep breath and gazed around her bedroom.

Stan said it was a guest bedroom, not that they ever had any guests, but Ma had this part of the house built in with the idea of visiting grandchildren. So Jackie was granted a small bedroom with a comfortable bed with an old quilt, a dresser, a nightstand, and a Jack and Jill bathroom with the opposite bedroom promised to be Fiddleford’s when he came up here from Tennessee. Jackie, who didn’t come here with much, was comfortable and anything she couldn’t fit in the nightstand and dresser she kept in boxes under the bed.

Jackie finally emerged from her bedroom and peered up and down the short hallway. She listened and could hear the shower running. As she journeyed to the kitchen her nose picked up the beautiful aroma of coffee and she instantly saw the pot filling up and heard the boiling water when she entered the empty kitchen. Whoever was in the shower must have started the coffee so it would be ready by the time they were done. Seeing no indication that breakfast was going to be made and given what she learned yesterday (that the boys couldn’t cook to save their lives), Jackie rubbed her hands together and started to hunt for ingredients to make biscuits.

About fifteen minutes later, Stan came out of the bathroom with a puff of water vapor behind him, shaking his mullet dry with a towel, his maroon robe wrapped loosely around him. He hummed to himself drowsily as he strode to the kitchen, but his not-so-keen senses heightened as he swore he could smell something cooking. Bacon? His mouth watering, Stan picked up the pace a bit without running and saw Jackie working hard in the kitchen. Holy Moses, who knew he had hired the best cook in Oregon?

“‘Mornin’.” He greeted casually.

Jackie glanced at him and her face dropped in shock. His toned, hairy chest was half-exposed, his legs bare below his knees apart from his slippers, and he had a smile on his face alongside those nice pair of brown eyes, the kind of smile you naturally mimic. It’s more contagious than the flu. Jackie caught it and returned it. “G’mornin’. Slept well?”

Stan shrugged. “Yeah, pretty good. You? Bed okay?”

“Yeah, it’s real comfortable.” Jackie replied. “Fix your coffee and sit down, biscuits are almost ready.”

Stan threw his towel onto the back of his chair and went to the cupboard above the coffee machine for a mug. Standing right next to Jackie and the stove, he saw a skillet full of sausage gravy being cooked, a pan sizzling with bacon, and she was currently cracking eggs into a bowl while another pan heated up. Stan marveled at how one person can keep an eye on so many things at once.

“You like your eggs scrambled?” Jackie asked.

Stan shrugged. “Sure.” His favorite way to eat eggs was over-easy, but hey food is food. The farmer can force anything down his gullet if needed. He watched as Jackie whisked six eggs in a big bowl and added previously shredded cheese, some chopped basil, and a small splosh of milk. Stan raised an eyebrow at that. “Why add milk?”

“Makes the eggs fluffier.” Jackie explained as she threw in some salt and pepper, whisked some more, and then poured the eggs into the small pan. The little hand-timer dinged and Jackie slipped on some oven mitts to pull out the pan of biscuits. Stan’s jaw dropped as the new farm-woman had a tray of twelve beautiful, fluffy, golden biscuits. She carried the tray to the table, where a dishcloth was folded to protect the wood, and she sat the tray down and used a little brush to paint melted butter on top. Stan licked his lips and reached to grab one, but Jackie smacked his hand and said, “Wait, mister, if you eat ‘em now you’ll burn yourself.”

Stan snorted as she turned back to the oven to flip the eggs with a rubber spatula and Stan sat with his mug of black coffee. Ford entered the room, yawning, but fully dressed. He had a rolled-up newspaper under his arm and he dozily threw it to Stan, who caught it one-handed like it was a baseball and opened it. “‘Mornin’, Sixer.”

Ford grunted as he grabbed a mug like a drunk man, poured some coffee, sweetened it with some sugar and milk, and gulped it down. Jackie watched him with a raised eyebrow as she moved the bacon onto a plate. Some people simply could not function in the morning. Ford poured a second cup, sweetened it, and sighed after a few sips, and then sat in his chair to breathe and obtain his necessary caffeine. 

“How long before he can talk again?” Jackie asked as she sat the bacon down and quickly moved to the eggs.

“I’d say two full cups for half-baked sentences n’ a full pot for him to function like a normal human bein’.” Stan sneered playfully as he read the headline.

“Har, har.” Ford said sarcastically. He then blinked a few times at the realization of another feast before him. Jackie set the big bowl of cheesy scrambled eggs down and began to move the gravy to another bowl. “Holy Moses, Jackie, you didn’t have to…”

“What else am I payin’ her for?” Stan asked but took the time to throw her a wink so she knew he was joking.

Jackie snorted and sat the bowl of sausage gravy down and made herself a mug of coffee. “Since none of you know how to cook and I don’t wanna eat brown meat, I figured I’d make breakfast.”

“Hey, I can make some mean pancakes.” Stan corrected. “Sure they got a bit of hair in them, but…”

Ford and Jackie laughed and the young scientist reached for a biscuits and was pleased to find it didn’t burn his fingertips. He bit straight into it to give it a try and it was like his brain had exploded. He had never thought he would ever know what it was like to eat a cloud, but here he was. He hummed and took another huge bite, too happy for words.

Jackie’s cheeks suddenly felt a little warmer and she smiled as she spooned herself some eggs.

While Ford happily fixed himself some biscuits n’ gravy, Stan bit into a biscuit as he read his paper and he froze like a statue. Angles were suddenly dancing on his tongue. He moved his eyes to Jackie and muttered, “I’d have to marry you if you always cook this good.”

Jackie rolled her eyes. “Oh, c’mon, your mother never cooked?”

“She always cooked,” Stan explained. “N’ she was good at it, too, but you’re… you’re really, really good!” And he engulfed the rest of the biscuit in his mouth.

“What Stanley is trying to say,” Ford said firmly and smiled at the dark-skinned woman. “Is that we’re extremely grateful you’re here.”

Jackie returned the smile. “Thanks. I’m grateful to be here. What made you decide y’all needed help?”

“Well,” Ford sipped his coffee again and began to explain in detail why exactly the twins decided to hire extra help on their farm. “You see we can handle it for the most part by ourselves, with Stanley handling the sheep and chickens and with me supervising the crops and sales, but recently something has caught my attention and… erm, kept me away from the farm, and it’s too much for one man to do on his own.”

“What’s been keeping you out of the farm?” Jackie asked, not at all judgmental as to why this man wasn’t helping his brother, but curious as to what caught his attention.

“Recently some strange things have been occurring.” Ford added. “I don’t know if it’s because I went away to college and saw what was considered normal and not normal or what, but there have always been weird happenings in this town. The deeper you go into the woods, the more natural anomalies there seem to be.”

“Which means stay outta the woods.” Stan said firmly.

“Which means, since we live on the outskirts of Gravity Falls, we’re safe.” Ford corrected. “But I plan to further investigate what’s going on, and I wish to spend all of my time doing so to quickly get to the bottom of it. I also need some help, and Stanley is too busy and it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to be at my beck and call, so I’ve asked my old college buddy to come down to help me investigate the strange findings in this town.”

“I get it, okay,” Jackie said with a nod, it all making sense now. “But what kind of weird stuff have you been noticing?”

Ford grinned excitedly. “You’ll see in time.”

Jackie blew a raspberry at this guy deciding to be “cool” and mysterious, making him laugh and resume his breakfast. “So, what kind of stuff we’ll you have me do?” Jackie asked Stan.

“Well,” Stan closed his newspaper. “Since it’s your first day I’ll walk you through everything. Some stuff you’ll do every day, some stuff only on certain days. The chickens need to be fed, the sheep need to be let out, the cow’s gotta be milked, n’ the crops gotta stay healthy n’ weed-free.” And he left the table to get dressed in a red button-up and jeans.

Stan made Ford do the dishes, claiming they were behind on work and it would take longer to get everything done since Jackie was learning. Right by the kitchen door, next to two big pairs of rain boots, was a huge bag of chicken feed. “We gotta keep it here or the hens get into it.” Stan explained and opened the bag, showing a big measuring cup inside. “One cup’s enough, just spread it out n’ don’t pour it all at once. If they’re still hungry there’s plenty of bugs.”

Jackie nodded, taking mental notes, and watched as Stan scooped out some food and opened the back door. Jackie had seen the farm yesterday, but to see the sun rising on the barns and crops made the whole thing sparkle gorgeously. She grinned at the little chicken coop by the house and watched Stan sprinkle out the feed as he whistled. A dozen or so hens scurried out of the coop with one big rooster standing as king on top of the small structure, and he fluttered his wings and floated down for food.

“That’s our rooster, Clock.” Stan explained as he put the cup back inside the bag, grabbed a woven basket, and closed the kitchen door behind them so no chickens would run into the house. “Here, get in the coop n’ collect eggs. We don’t need a whole lot, so don’t freak out if the hens aren’t makin’ that much.

“Any chance they’ll have chicks inside?” Jackie asked, eyeing the loud and proud rooster.

“Nope. Clock’s an old boy.” Stan explained. “That’s why he sounds so bad. We haven’t had a chick from him in years. Hey, he always does his job, though.”

Jackie chuckled and ducked into the chicken coop. Some nests had no eggs but some had one or two. Jackie carefully collected them and knew they would be great for baking and breakfast. When she emerged, Stan tossed a metal bucket to her. “Sheep need water. There’s a well out that way, just make sure they won’t get thirsty after you put the eggs in the kitchen. I’ve already got ‘em out in the field. If you need me I’ll be in that barn over there.” And he pointed to the smaller one of the two.

Jackie nodded and headed in the direction he pointed toward when talking about the well. As she walked, she took in her surroundings and was free to acknowledge how big his farm was. There was a lot of land, with the woods acting as the border. On one side of the land it was full of crops like a big cornfield, rows of carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, watermelons, and pumpkins, and closer to the house strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries blossomed. Jackie also noticed a little herb garden growing in a basket on the back porch, not too far from the kitchen door. 

On the opposite end of the crops was the two barns and a huge patch of clear land for the sheep. Jackie awed at the thirty-something sheep that “bah”ed quietly and gnawed on grass, their coats a bit short, telling Jackie that they had been trimmed not too long ago. Somewhat between the crops and the fields for animals was an old well that might have once been the primary source of water here, but thanks to modern plumbing now it was only used for the livestock. Jackie saw another bucket tied by a rope with the pulley system and she was clever enough to figure it all out on her own.

Mustering up her strength and hardly breaking a sweat, Jackie filled her own bucket with water and carried it to where the sheep dwelt. By the fence that kept them away from the crops, there was a trough, so Jackie poured the water in it and the sheep came flocking, craving water. She chuckled and noticed the trough wasn’t full, so she walked back to the well, refilled her bucket, and poured it out again, this time sploshing some sheep a little, but they didn’t mind. In fact, they started licking each other’s faces for more water, making Jackie laugh and she petted a nearby sheep and admired the soft wool.

As she petted the sheep, she caught something out the corner of her eye and looked over at the smaller of the two barns. Stan was emerging with a beautiful gray and black horse and then gently slapped his behind so the horse would know he’s free to wander. The horse galloped for a bit and then slowed, lapping up some water at his own trough. Jackie wondered if she needed to fill that one, too, but Stan made his way to the well with his own bucket and watered the horse. Jackie smiled and walked to Stan, ready for her next chore.

“That there Truffles.” Stan explained, pointing to the horse as the woman approached. “Stubborn. It’d be best if you let me handle him. He doesn’t like people much, even gives Ford a hard time.”

Jackie nodded. “Gotcha.”

“Watered the sheep? Good. Ever milked a cow? Well today you’re gonna learn.” Stan said and motioned for her to follow him into the smaller of the two barns. Inside were two stalls and equipment for a horse and a cow. Jackie could even see a horse-drawn sled collecting cobwebs in the back corner. “Luna’s okay, as long as you’re quiet. Doesn’t like noise much. She’s got a soft spot for Ford.”

Stan opened one of the stalls and Jackie got a full view of a white cow with only one big black spot over her right eye. She mooed at the visitors and licked Stan’s outstretched hand. Jackie couldn’t help but notice how gentle he petted her neck and talked to her. Despite having a voice made of gravel, his talk was as soft as silk. “Hey mama, good to see you, good to see you. Try to be nice for me, girl, okay. Alright, c’mere, Jackie.”

Stan pulled a short stool over and motioned for her to sit. He knelt beside the cow and placed the bucket below the utters. “It’s really simple, just squeeze n’ pull n’ squeeze n’ pull.”

“Okay,” The woman sat on the stool, held the bucket between her boots, and carefully grabbed an utter. It was soft and squishy and she could feel the milk, and she did as she was told and smiled to see delicious warm milk fall into the bucket.

“Not bad, not bad at all.” Stan commented with a smile. “Here, you can squeeze harder, you won’t hurt her. Like this.” He gently covered Jackie’s hand with her own and showed her just how tightly to squeeze and pull. Jackie followed, her eyes darting up to Luna, but the cow only happily chewed on some hay. She didn’t even twitch her tail with uncomfortably. Jackie smiled at Stan, thanking him for his help, and he returned the smile and let her go to milk. She milked just as well as Ford or Stan could, and when Stan checked to make sure Luna was empty, there was no milk left to obtain.

“Good job.” Stan praised and stood up. “Take the milk in the house n’ Ford can pan it. He’s got a knack for dairy n’ makin’ butter. He can teach you if you want.”

“Sounds great.” Jackie hoisted the bucket up and let it hang in front of her. “What after that?”

“Well, nothing’s ready to harvest yet.” Stan answered. “We’ll check for weeds n’ make sure the gardens are healthy, then I think we’ll be okay until the afternoon. Usually around noon is when we go into town, do laundry, chop wood, or whatever else needs to get done aside from mornin’ n’ afternoon chores.”

“Well what are the afternoon chores?” Jackie asked.

“Basically reverse of what we just did. I’ll put up Truffles n’ I’ll show you how to drive in the sheep. Then you’ll water ‘em n’ milk Luna again, or you can make Ford do it so you can cook.”

Jackie snorted. “I think I’ll do that.”

“Good. Then we’ll have your afternoon chores only be to drive in the sheep.”

“Anything needs to get done today?” Jackie asked.

“I can’t think of anything.” Stan said with a shrug. “Ma used to have a little jingle… Scrub on Monday, Laundry on Tuesday, Knit on Wednesday, Prep on Thursday, Bake on Friday, Rest on Saturday, Clean on Sunday. O’course, you can do whatever you want, s’long as work’s gettin’ done. I’m sure I can find you something to do.” He hinted at and winked.

Jackie rolled her eyes. “I like it. Your mom was really smart… What’s today? Wednesday? Well, I don’t feel like knitting or sewing, so I guess I’ll try to clean the house for when Ford’s friend gets here. Hey, what did your mom mean by scrub on Monday?”

Stan shrugged. “Usually that meant the kitchen n’ bathrooms. You know, the tubs, sinks, toilets, the oven, the stoves…”

“Ah, gotcha.” Jackie wandered out of the barn with Stan and said, “Well, after I check the crops I’ll scrub.”

“Have fun.” Stan teased and headed for the corn to check for crows and other pests.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Great, so we’ll see you on Tuesday?” Ford clarified. “Thank you so much, buddy. I owe you. No, of course we don’t mind. We’ve got plenty of room. You’re welcome, goodbye.”

Ford hung up the phone and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had been foolish to think Fiddleford could simply drop everything and move across the country just to assist him. Foolish and selfish. What stung most was how worried Fiddleford had sounded over the phone when he began making his request.

There was no good in stalling and not telling Stan, he had to tell him that the plan had changed. Ford stood and exited the parlor to try to find his brother, probably out in the fields by now. He knew if he did he would get tangled into trying to help, which was fine for today, so Ford mentally prepared himself for hoeing and pulling weeds as he entered the kitchen and found Jackie entering the room with a bucket of milk. “Oh, thank you, ma’am.” He said politely. “I’ll pan it later, we’re low on butter. Right now I need to have a word with Stanley.”

“He’s out at the cornfield.” Jackie assisted.

“Thank you.”

Ford found Stan right where Jackie said he would. The younger twin emerged from the field, satisfied with the state of the corn, and raised an eyebrow when the older twin said, “Stanley, we have to talk.”

“What’s the word, Sixer?” Stan asked as they started to walk alongside the edge of the field.

“Fiddleford will be here on Tuesday…”

“Great!”

“... and he’s bringing his son.”

They kept walking as Stan gave Ford a surprised and confused look.

“Tate. His four-year-old.”

“I know who the boy is, Poindexter!” Stan snapped, irritated that that was what Ford thought he was confused about. “That’s fine, we’ve got room for him, but why in Moses’ name is he brinin’ Tate? I thought your friend was only visitin’ for a few weeks.”

Ford sighed and ran a six-fingered hand through his fluffy hard-to-maintain hair. “Fiddleford is getting a divorce.”

Stan winced. He may not have known the nerd as well as Ford did, but from what he gathered he had been over the moon for his gal.

“She doesn’t want anything to do with Tater, either.” Ford added. “Says he’s too much like Fiddleford. He thinks this is a good way to start a new life, you know? Move here and help me, then maybe find their own place.”

“Or we can build a smaller second house.” Stan threw in. “More houses means more hands to work the farm, which means more money n’ more land.”

Ford rolled his eyes. “Perhaps. For now I was thinking Fiddleford could have the guest bedroom and Tate could have the Jack and Jill bedroom.”

“Sure, I bet Jackie won’t mind.” Stan predicted.

“And you’re okay with Tate coming to live with us, too?” Ford double-checked.

“You kiddin’ me, I love kids!” Stan punched Ford’s shoulder and stood still with his arms cross over his chest. “It’ll be great, you wait n’ see! There’s plenty of stuff here to Tate to do until he’s old enough for school n’ nobody’s gonna get claustrophobic here. Not that Santa Claus is real.”

Ford groaned and pinched at his eyes under his glasses. “That was bad, even for you.” But the young investigator smiled at his twin and returned the punch on the shoulder. “Well, thank you. I know it’s a lot to take in in such a small amount of time…”

“You know something, Sixer?” Stan interrupted and gave him a slightly-more serious look. “It’s been too quiet here lately.”

Ford raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what your definition of quiet is, but…”

“You know what I meant.” Stan said firmly and resumed what he was trying to say. “I ain’t got a problem with it just bein’ the two of us - you know I don’t - but it’s been way too quiet here. I miss it bein’ crowded n’ busy n’ loud. So I say the more the merrier; n’ the sooner I can’t hear my own thoughts (though few there may be), the better.”

Ford smiled softly at his brother. It was true. The quiet had been appreciated at first, but now it wasn’t as appreciated as the noise that comes with good company. Ever since Ma and Pa had died and Shermie had gone back to California, it had just been the twins on this big farm. What Stan said was true, it was fine, and with Ford gone for four years while he earned as many PhDs as he had fingers, it was nice to reconcile and catch up. But now it was high-time the Pines family grew bigger and louder and weirder, the way it was supposed to be.

“Well, guess we should tell Jackie she’ll be sharing her bathroom, then.” Ford suggested and led the way away from the cornfield with his twin by his side.

#GF #gravity falls #fanfiction #farmer au #ford pines #stan pine #jackie asante #gift #thank you so much for reading! #please leave a comment on what you thought #I'd love to read them!

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 30 ~The Last Stand~

Claire stepped out of the pub, inhaled the fresh cold Autumn air and plucked the phone from the back of her jeans pocket. She'd decided to give Jamie a call to find out if he was still working. She listened to the phone ring while navigating the pavement filled with people coming in and out of pubs and restaurants. The time spent with her friend John had been pleasant and refreshing. It was great to talk to someone who wasn't from within her social circle and not had to go into discussions about Jamie and her present concerns. For the first time in ages, she felt more optimistic. Maybe it had something to do with the change of scene after being stuck in the repetitive work, home and sleep cycle. Or perhaps it had to do with her decision to stop moping and thinking the worse of what's to come. Being alone with her own thoughts at the moment wasn't a great idea by a long shot, which could cost her at the worst of times her peace of mind. Geillis was right. She needed to be more proactive about her issues instead of dwelling on the negativity.

Jamie's voicemail came on, so she terminated the call, weaving through a small group of revellers as she came closer to her destination. If he wasn't home, she knew he would be soon. Mildly tipsy, she'd left John at the pub not long after a couple of his friends had joined them at their table. She'd made it a point that a pint of lager and a dram of whisky was her limit for tonight if she was going to make it to Jamie's place whole and without staggering. 

The sky was overcast and dark by the time she made it to Jamie's building and slipped the key into the main entrance, opening the heavy, wooden door. She hadn't seen his BMW parked anywhere in the street and thought he must still be working. Shivering and feeling the cold, she rubbed her hands together, craving for a nice mug of tea and the comfort of the snug recliner. She made a move towards the stairs, the sounds of her clunky boots echoing in the hall and the retro-styled wall lamp dramatically illuminating the interior as she started her ascend.

When she finally made it to the apartment, she slid the key into the lock, opened the door and slipped in. She heard jazz music coming from the surround system, and the lights in the hallway were dimmed.  Jamie's home!  Anticipation bloomed in her heart. He must have taken the taxi and left his car somewhere, a habit they both had when they'd had a bit to drink. Humming, she pulled off her jacket and hanged it in the cloak wardrobe. She stopped by the console table to deposit her keys and phone, and saw several post-it notes in Jamie's hurried writing and crumpled receipts. She absentmindedly glanced at them and lifted her head when she heard movements in the kitchen.

Impatiently, she toed off her ankle boots and headed towards the door that led to the open-plan room, a smile curving her lips when the smell of pizza made her stomach growl. It was a stranger's voice that froze her smile, a distinctly soft feminine laugh. She opened the door slowly, the lit kitchen illuminating a brunette girl with only a towel draped around her body. The girl was tall, and her long dark hair fell in soft waves just below her shoulders. She was pouring wine into two glasses.

Her head pounding and chest tightening, Claire stepped into the room. A part of her was screaming for her to leave immediately, but the other half wanting to see this through, to look Jamie in the eyes and show him she would not disintegrate. Although her feet weighed like lead, she took another step. And then another, the thin string of control almost at its breaking point, ready to snap at any moment. 

When the girl finally turned and realised she wasn't alone, she let out an ear-piercing scream that sent a pair of heavy feet running towards their direction and almost busting Claire's eardrums.

Claire's hand clenched, her fury pushing hard through her veins. She ignored the girl's screams and waited for Jamie to come out.   But ...

"Claire? What are ye doing here?"

Holy sweet Moses!  Instead of Jamie, she was greeted by a stark naked Rabbie. Flusteredly pointing her finger at his dangly bits, she clapped a hand over her eyes and looked the other way. "Oh for the love of God, Rabbie put that ...that ...that thingy away." Tall as Jamie as he was but a gangly version, no way was she ever going to look at Jamie's wee brother the same way again. And to say the very least, there was certainly nothing wee about him.

"It's a penis," he said, his voice tinged with amusement. "Jamie's got the same, ye ken?"

Oh God, he's even as cocky as his brother.  A hand still covering her eyes, Claire stomped her foot to make a point. "Rabbie!! I know what it is, for heaven's sake ...just put it away and put some clothes on, will you? I'm not speaking to you unless you're fully clothed."

"Roberto? What is the meaning of this? Who is this woman? What is she doing here?" the brunette girl rapidly launched the questions in a thick Spanish accent. 

" Tranquila querida, it's only my future sister-in-law," he soothed. "Come, let's get dressed."

Future sister-in-law? Oh, whatever next?

"But she saw your berenjena,"  the brunette pointed out, a sulk evident in her tone.

"You calling my cock an aubergine?" Rabbie gently chided. "Now that's uncalled for."

The girl giggled as Claire heard them move away, and only when she was certain she was alone, did she take her hand off her eyes.

With shaking knees, she collapsed onto the nearest chair and wondered what the hell just happened.

..........

Jamie checked his phone as he headed towards the parking lot and noticed he had a missed call from Claire. She hadn't left a message, and when he'd tried to call back, she didn't answer. He'd just finished a session of photocalls for a sports magazine and was hoping to catch up with her in the pub. And find out more about this, John.  But which pub?

His thoughts zeroed in on Joe and immediately called his number.

"Hey, buddy." Joe sounded merry, and there were music and loud voices in the background. He thought maybe he joined Claire at the pub.

"Hey, Joe. Is Claire with ye?"

"Claire? No, sorry, mate. I'm out with the lads from work. Have you tried calling her?"

"Aye, but she's not answering. She told me she's going to a pub, but I didn't have the sense to ask her earlier which one."

"Mmm, we usually frequent The Last Drop. Maybe you ought to try looking for her there."

"I will do." Jamie found his car, got in and closed his eyes, only half-listening, trying to remember his other purpose for calling.

"I hardly get to see you nowadays, buddy. Claire told me you've been really busy, and she barely gets to see you too. But then, work is work isn't it? Can't turn your nose up when the opportunity knocks. Got to take it by the ..."

"Joe." The moment he said his name, Joe stopped talking.

"Yes?"

"Claire went out with this doctor bloke ...whatshisname ...John from St Leonards. What do ye ken of him?"

"John? John Grey?"

"Aye."

"He's sound. Pretty straight-up guy, ace doctor and hilarious as fuck."

Jamie coughed, an uncomfortable weight settling in his chest. "So ye ken him good, aye?"

"Of course I do. I got Claire that temp job, didn't I? He's a good pal of mine."

Jamie got straight to the point. "Why is he hanging out with Claire? Doesn't he know ...eh ... she's with me?"

A few seconds went by before Joe let out a loud unrestrained laugh. "Whoa! Who are you, and what have you done with James Fraser?"

He muttered a curse under his breath. "Look, listen ...I don't have time for this. I haven't been around Claire lately, but that's all gonnae change very soon. It's just that I've been so busy with the sports complex and interviews and other stuff, I thought she might feel I've neglected her and all. And I was wondering if she'd said anything to ye or ye'd had any hints of her going off me and started seeing other people."

"Well, mate that's what happens when you don't keep an eye on your lass ...you snooze, you lose," he replied laughing.

Irritation skated his back. "Stop taking the mickey, Joe! If ye ken something, spit it out."

"Hey! Hold yer horses, man," Joe countered, this time his tone sounding more serious. "You can't blame me for taking the piss. Are you even listening to yourself? You start asking stupid questions, you'll get stupid answers. Fuck, Jamie ... sometimes you're a picnic short of a sandwich. What do you think of Claire? Do you think, just because you don't have time for her, she'd start seeing other people? She's got more depth than that."

Jamie banged the back of his head against the headrest of the car seat, biting his tongue so he'd not say anything he'd regret later. "Ah, bugger it."

There was a long silence on the other end. Jamie wondered if he had better luck calling up Geillis, but at his state at the moment, he didn't think he had the patience for her usual smart-ass remarks.

"John is gay." Joe finally spoke.

He straightened up. "What?"

"John is gay, and he has a boyfriend, but that isn't the point here. Even if John wasn't gay, you don't have anything to worry about Claire's devotion to you. And my piece of advice ...if your conscience is bothering you not spending much time with her this much, then I suggest you do something about it. She's been messed about a lot. And I sometimes wonder why she chose to be with a man who has a past like yours. But hey, I'm not judging. So if it feels like she is a little bit distant, it's just her self-preservation mode kicking in. She doesn't ask for much, Jamie ...but a little reassurance that you're there for her will go a long way. That's all I have to say to that."

Something loosened up inside of him, and he realised he'd been holding his breath and clutching the steering wheel in a tight grip. He allowed himself to slowly relax and breath. "Thanks, Joe," was all he could manage. Nursing unnecessary worries was probably the universe's version of biting him on the arse for all those times he'd broken many girls' hearts even though he'd told himself many times he'd never led anyone on. But right now, he needed to put those excuses and insecurities aside and focus on Claire and making their relationship stronger.

"Jamie?"

"Aye?

"Welcome to the incredible world of jealousy. For the price of admission, you get an inferiority complex, palpitations, cold sweats, and a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder, But don't worry, buddy it's all just part of the teething problem. You'll survive."

Jamie let out a laugh, said goodbye and hung up. 

Having Claire in his life was worth the self-doubt and every pain in the arse things that came with it. But Joe's words' kept repeating over and over in his head.  Well, mate that's what happens when you don't keep an eye on your lass ...you snooze, you lose.  It was meant to be a joke, but he didn't like that one bit at all. Just a glimmer of risk to his relationship, suddenly, all he'd worked hard for, lost all of its meaning. Back when his entire life was all about making money out of fear for a shortlived career, he'd been ready to sell his soul. Then he met Claire. He'd said he was done with Forbes, done with the paparazzi, done with everything but the feisty Sassenach that turned his life upside down. However, not much had changed from his old life. He was still running around, trying to court big names in the celebrity world to sell his brand. Then the realisation hit him hard that there's a possibility he could lose her for good if nothing changed and he couldn't, at that moment, ever imagine another man with her. If that happened, it wouldn't be a laughing matter. And if that happened, he would never find another woman like her and all he'd have to show for in his life were the long hours at work but with no one to share it with. Just like what Ned Gowan once told him not too long ago. He closed his eyes to keep those horrible visions at bay. But somehow the images still managed to seep into his consciousness, and it terrified the hell out of him. 

It dawned on him, he would give up everything, pay every cent of his fortune to keep Claire his.  What the hell is happening to me?  Maybe it had something to do with the time he'd spent with her when he didn't need to be anyone other than himself. Perhaps it was the way that, through her, he had taken a good hard look at himself and wanted to change. But he needed to do more to guarantee she wouldn't slip away.

But first, he needed to find her.

.........

Claire poured hot water over the chamomile tea bag in the mug and then a healthy measure of whisky in a tumbler. After the horror of seeing a half-naked girl in Jamie's kitchen and Rabbie in the bare scud, she needed the soothing effects of the herbal brew and the immediate heat of the alcohol to calm her nerves.

She lifted a hand and saw it was still shaking. She'd already taken the pizza meant for Rabbie and company out of the oven and washed the dishes to keep herself busy and pacify her jitteriness. Even the sight and smell of melted cheese couldn't entice her to have a piece of their untouched dinner, her earlier appetite gone and dissipated. The feel of walking into what's supposed to be a romantic setting clung to her, as did the guilt for doubting Jamie ...and if she kept thinking about it, she was going to need more than a dram of whisky.

Dropping down on the nearby stool, she allowed herself to simply be and for once to stop overthinking. So far it hadn't done her any good, only given her sleepless nights and probably making Jamie worried with her constant display of disappointment. These small acts of dubiety against her practical nature were starting to become a liability and a bad character trait. She really needed to pull herself together and give Jamie some credence.

Rabbie walked into the kitchen, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans and a tinge of red highlighting the tips of his ears. "Hey," he said, clearing his throat.

They looked at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing.

He ran an impatient hand through his hair. "God, that was embarrassing."

She wiped the tears from her eyes. "You didn't seem embarrassed when I saw you bollock-naked."

"Oh, that ...no. I'm not embarrassed about that." He jerked a thumb towards the living area. "Ye weren't supposed to know what we were up to ...I meant, at least not here in Jamie's apartment."

"Your girlfriend?" she asked.

"Maria ...aye ...weel, it's complicated. We've been on and off for the last six months. Tonight wasnae supposed to happen. I called Jamie earlier if I could crash here for the night and he said yes since you hardly come here anymore. On the way, I stopped by the pub and saw her. We had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another, we came here for some privacy and then ye appeared. She's still rattled about ye being here, and she's gone all shy. I'll introduce ye another time since she desperately wants to go."

"It's getting late, Rabbie. You can stay. There's enough room."

"Thanks but no thanks. We're good."

She gave him an apologetic look. "Sorry for ruining your evening."

"Ach, think nothing of it," he reassured with a wave of a hand. He was about to turn and go when he stopped on his tracks. "Ummm ...Claire?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't tell Jamie I brought a girl here."

"If he doesn't ask, I won't say a word," she said, smiling. "After I've drunk my tea and whisky, I'll go straight to bed, so I don't think Jamie will get a chance to ask questions."

"Thank you," he said gratefully. "umm ...I cleared all evidence in the guest bedroom."

"Good."

"See ye around, Claire."

She nodded and waved at the girl, thankful she didn't have to go through small talks with Rabbie's on and off girlfriend. As much as she would have loved to know more about the beautiful exotic looking girl, she couldn't wait to be on her own. Suddenly feeling spent from the roller-coaster emotions she'd been through that day, she downed the whisky in one go. She and Jamie needed to talk. Jamie wasn't the only one dealing with these massive changes in their lives. In the space of three months, there had been enormous upheavals in both their personal and professional lives, and she needed to tell him exactly what she was feeling even if only to vent and release what was troubling her. Constantly letting her imaginations run away from her wasn't healthy and certainly not good for their relationship.

Satisfied with her logic, she went to Jamie's bedroom, undressed and put on one of his t-shirts. And then she went to the kitchen and poured herself another dram, forgoing the tea, and taking it with her to the living area. Placing it on the coffee table, she plonked herself down on the massive leather recliner. It was her favourite place to snuggle into beside Jamie's arm. It had a remote, a seat warmer and it reclined into full position. Pulling the tartan blanket over her, she made herself comfortable. Forty winks were all she needed to regenerate and rid herself of today's troubles before Jamie arrives.

As she began to relax, a sense of peace settled over her. She murmured occasional comments to herself, reminding her of the things she needed to tell Jamie and making a mental to-do list for tomorrow. Gradually her limbs became heavier, and her lids closed, the image of the list floating away with her awareness.

"Claire?"

Her name sounded like dark syrup and caramel, rolling from a tongue. She sighed and lifted her face upward, too drowsy to raise her arms - the distinctive scent of Jamie, soap, and a hint of aftershave connecting to her senses. 

"Hmmm?"

Calloused fingers caressed her cheek, and she leaned against that warm hand and kissed his palm. A low mutter escaped his lips. "Christ, Sassenach, I've been looking everywhere for ye."

"I'm here" She stretched, her muscles contracting and releasing in anticipation. She sighed. "And you smell delicious."

"Sweet Jesus, ye're killing me."

The foggy haze of sleep clouded her brain waves. She blinked and reached out to brush back a strand of curl that fell on his brow and trace the edges of his soft, full lips with a fingertip. "You're so beautiful," she murmured. "Far too beautiful for me, though. Aren't you, Jamie?"

"A dhia. What am I going to do with ye?"

His lips brushed over hers, warm, firm, and sure, sipping from her mouth like he was savouring an expensive glass of whisky. The taste of him exploded on her tongue, and she whimpered, opening to him fully. He kissed her slow, without any concern about taking his time, tasting and sucking languidly until she dissolved into the recliner and the flesh between her legs throbbed with need. 

Just when she was fidgeting to get more of him, he broke the kiss and stared into her eyes. "I was out of my mind searching every pub in Edinburgh for ye. And when I went to yer cottage, and ye weren't there, I thought ...I thought ...Christ I dinnae even want to say the words. Just thinking about it is tearing my guts out."

A little butterfly fluttered in her belly. "I'm sorry ..."

"No." He swept a hand over her hair and cupped her cheek, an unfamiliar light gleaming in his blue eyes. "I'm the one who owes ye an apology."

The unfiltered display of concern, dread and hope was visible in his face, making her want to alleviate the burdens on his shoulders and erase the worries she'd caused. He was trying so hard for her, a terrain she'd never encountered before when she was with Frank. She straightened and laid a soft kiss on his lips. "Well, I guess we just need to talk things over and ..."

Jamie gently pushed her back down onto the recliner. "Where do ye think ye're going?"

She frowned. "Ah, well, bedroom ... that's if you don't mind me staying over for the night," she mumbled.

"Is that so?" he whispered, a flicker of amusement lighting his eyes.

"Huh?"

"No."

"No?"

"Open yer thighs for me, Sassenach," he murmured, a muscle popping in his cheek. Without waiting for her reply or reaction, his lips coasted along her jawline, his hot breath on her skin, sending shivers spiralling down her spine.

"Jamie!"

"Sssh, let me love ye, Sassenach."

She wanted to object. There was so much she needed to say, express and unload, but her body had other things in mind. Her legs parted of their own accord, her desire to feel Jamie more potent than she realised.

Shifting on his knees by the recliner, Jamie slid his palm up her inner thigh. He stalled when he reached her centre and planted two fingers over the soaked seam of her panties, stroking the sensitive flesh underneath with deliberate slowness. Every particle of oxygen in Claire's lungs rushed out of her, lust turning the corner like a horse set free and thundering across the paddock. She could only close her eyes and allow Jamie to slip his hand inside the tiny scrap of garment that hid her modesty.

When his fingers slid down her wetness, her hips jerked on a moan and heat flashed in Jamie's expression. 

She grabbed his shirt, drawing him in for a kiss, to taste more of him.

"No," Jamie muttered.

"Please, Jamie. I need you. I want you inside me." They weren't the words she'd planned to say tonight. But she still meant it in a way that went beyond her physical need. She needed his presence, his heart, his love, his mind, his spirit, and everything that makes Jamie, Jamie.

"No, Sassenach," he whispered, shaking his head and biting his lip. His fingers parted her folds and teased her nub in a tight circle. "I want to watch ye."

Head dropping back, her brain started to short-circuit, and her pulse boomed in her ears. She almost cried out loud when Jamie's touch abandoned her briefly to push the blanket away and strip her panties off, baring her for his perusal. Not that she could find an ounce of shyness left to care at that particular moment. The way he was touching her, rid the last vestige of finesse and decorum she had left, writhing wantonly to the movement of his skilful fingers. She was so hot, she thought her skin would surely scorch if touched.

"Sassenach, look at ye. So fucking beautiful, so bloody perfect I could do this for eternity, and it would never be enough."

Jamie rubbed her swollen nub with his thumb, chuckling when her back bowed with a groan. His laughter subsided when he lowered his head and sucked the tip of her breasts through her shirt. Just when she thought she couldn't take any more of his ministration, he caught her nipple between his teeth and simultaneously, twisted his middle finger up inside of her.

"Oh God, oh sweet Mother of God," she whimpered. "I can't...oh, Jamie, please. It's too much."

"Aye, ye can,  mo chridhe," he said hoarsely, adding a second finger and pushing up her shirt to suck her nipple. "Move your hips more."

Jamie's command only drove her urgency higher. Unable to reply, her body did the talking and obeyed his instructions, her body thrashing as sob after sob escaped her lips. Her movements became more frantic when a coil inside her wound tighter and tighter, and his fingers delved in deeper. With her nerve endings going off like little bells, Claire moved her hips in time with his fingers. They drove in and out of her, faster and faster until she almost couldn't stand the oncoming onslaught of an impending release. It built, engulfed and intensified around her, just like in an opera when the act reaches a crescendo.

"Oh, my God, Jamie ...Jamie," she cried out, seizing the front of his shirt. "I'm...yes, yes, yes."

The climax billowed through her and clutched her muscles, blowing cinders at her nerves until she swore she would combust. Jamie's finger found her sweet spot and stroke it with swift, sure movements, a scream forming in the back of her throat.

"Aye, scream yer little heart out, Sassenach. That's my lass."

And she did, making her orgasm more luminescent and sweeping like she could jump into it and disappear. Perhaps she did for a few heartbeats, because when she finally opened her eyes, there was only the smell of Jamie's neck, the feel of his strong arms around her, even though she had no recollection of him pulling her close.

He kissed her softly, a small smile lighting his handsome face.

After her heart had settled into its usual rhythm, she reached out and touched his face. "Jamie, we need to talk." When he frowned, she quickly gave him a reassuring squeeze with her hand. "No ...it's nothing bad ...or anything like that. It's just that I have a few things I need to get off my chest."

Relief descended on his expression, softening his face, almost making her feel guilty she was the cause of the worried look. "Aye, tomorrow, we'll talk ..."

"But you're working, and we'd been putting this off ..."

"Are ye working tomorrow?" he asked, his thumb caressing the base of her neck.

"I have a late shift and ..."

"I'll take the morning off, and we'll talk." When she didn't answer, he pulled his phone from the back of his jeans pocket and made a demonstration of turning it off. "Phone off. Tomorrow, we'll have breakfast and talk. But tonight I just want to hold ye, is that alright, Sassenach?

She nodded, sighed and went limp, suddenly feeling drowsy but a lot lighter in her chest.

Moments later, he carried her boneless body to bed and laid her carefully down on her back. After a quick wash in the bathroom, Jamie stripped off his clothes, climbed into bed, and curved his front to her back, holding her tightly in the dark.

Just before sleep claimed her, she heard Jamie whisper, "Ye're mine, Sassenach as I'm yers," his arms pulling her in closer as if afraid she would get up and go. Before she could dwell on it, his words danced away with her consciousness into the oblivion of deep sleep.

#melodyheart #startingover #Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser #outlanderfanfic

[revchainsaw]

Sonic: The Hedgehog (2020)

Sonic: The Hedgehog (2020)

Greeting my flock of film freaks and welcome again to the Cult of Cult. Todays offering is a bit more of the mainstream blockbuster variety, but as films based on Video Games are still actually quite niche and vastly underestimated I think we should open our hearts to Sonic: The Hedgehog and hope that we find it a pleasing tithe to the cult. I am your beloved minster, The Reverend Chainsaw, and welcome to today’s service.

The Message

I must confess to the congregation that I was drinking mighty heavily of the lord’s Tennessee sour mash when I was taking in this movie. That said, I think that this is a great movie to have a drink with and I mean that in the best possible way. 

Sonic: The Hedgehog is of course based on the Sega video game franchise and stars Ben Schwartz as the titular blue rat. Schwartz brings his brand of high energy enthusiastic comedy to the voice role. While Schwartz is particularly on brand for Schwartz, is he on brand for Sonic? I’m not entirely sure, but I’m also not entirely sure I was ever in love with the old ways. I am not an avid fan or consumer of Sonic media and perhaps that means I am in a poor position to say. I am most familiar with the Sega games and Sonic cartoons from the 90s, and from what I have grasped the more recent entries with their more anime centric and high lore plots still owe quite a bit to the attitude era of the 90s. Sonic was a hero but he was also a bit of a cross between Mickey Mouse, the Flash, and Bart Simpson. As an angsty 90s boy I wanted to eat chili dogs and go very fast that was very appealing to me, but I’m not so sure it would be appealing to a vast audience of older millennials, or even todays kids. And though I think it would be a fair criticism to say that Ben Schwartz is playing sonic as basically the superhero version of his Dewey Duck from the VERY VERY good DuckTales reboot, I don’t think that it’s necessarily a bad thing. 

Dewey Duck the Hedgehog is a small mammal (also not a rodent, I wanted to say rodent and apparently hedgehogs are not rodents, just googled it) from an alien planet where his adoptive mother, an owl named Long Claw, fears that he will be hunted for his special powers, which I think is just super speed but it might be other things. In line with these concerns after an attack by pursuers Longclaw gives Sonic the Moses treatment and floats the special blue boy down the metaphorical river. Unlike Moses, however, Sonic is not found by ultra rich ultra powerful extra special people but is instead alone. Sonic lives alone in exile outside a small American town as a sort of local cryptid.

Thus begins a charming adventure. Through a poor decision to use his powers while working out some personal issues, Sonic inadvertantly draws the attention of the U.S Government and their nasty big brain baddy Dr. Robotnik. Sonic recruits a small town police officer with big city dreams to assist him in finding his magic rings so that he might flee from earth to an uninhabited mushroom kingdom. 

Now about these two human characters. Officer Everyman is played by cyclops from the X-men franchise. The actors name escapes me and so does the characters, and while, yes, I just looked up if hedgehogs were rodents, I will not be looking up this information. I like the review better this way. It makes me laugh. And while I don’t remember his name, I do remember that he used to live In Mt. Juliet, TN.  Anyway, what you should know about Officer Goodguy is that he drives a Toyota Tacoma!

That Toyota Tacoma is also continuously abused by the mad machinations of our films biggest draw: Jim Carey as Dr. Robotnik. If we were to pitch a Sonic movie, I don’t think anyone would jump to Jim Carey as the must have for the role, but after seeing this film, boy was it the best choice. The way he chews the scenery and plays off the rest of the cast and situations is just so much fun to watch. It’s fantastic to see Jim Carey back in a larger than life role. The Decision to play Jim Carey as the kind of condescending nerd who has taken their lack of social skills and leaned in as opposed to working on themselves was a brilliant choice. We’ve all known that kind of guy who tries to play the misanthrope just because they are too egotistical to recognize their flaws. Here Dr. Robotnik has given up on human connection in favor of subordination. His intellect is his only value, and thus he demands everyone around him acknowledge intellect as the only quality that matters as he has. It was a great choice.

From the point the chase begins the film becomes a road trip flick, and despite the fact that Sonic could supposedly cover the distance required in the blink of an eye we watch the ins and outs of our heroes relationship as they learn what home, and being a hero mean to them. By the climax it is pretty by the numbers, Sonic has come to feel at home on Earth and now that he has friends who care for him they can begin to make a world from which neither will have to flee; and of course, they beat the bad guy. FOR NOW. we are treated to an even crazier Dr. Robotnik stranded in the Fungus Dimension bent on revenge.

The Benediction

Now for all things Holy and Profane in this film, please rise for the Benediction.

Best Scandal: Sonic the Cosmic Horror

The original look of this film was mired in dread when the early footage and trailers dropped revealing a hideously uncanny hedgehog monster in the form of sonic. The memes are amazing, the toys are unsettling, there’s still plenty of Quasimodo Sonic stuff out there floating on the web and I suggest that you search it out, the laughter is good for your heart. Also if anyone wants to send me any creepy sonic merch I’ll take it. 

Thanks to the work of online fans and internet harassments, the studio felt it was going to lose money on the project and reeled back the release allowing for the design department to give us a more cartoony but less frightening alien monster. I mean he’s a cartoon, it’s okay for him to look like a cartoon. 

Best Scene: Noodle Dance

It’s hard to choose, and it feels a bit biased, but there are a few scenes with Dr. Robotnik that are just what make the movie more than a forgettable IP adaptation. Not that Ben Schwartz wasn’t doing great as the character but I feel Sonic as a whole would be lost in the milieu of CG spectacles and Super Hero Origin stories that we are bombarded with every year if not for Jim Carey’s performances; and even with them Sonic: The Hedgehog is not completely out of those woods. That said, I think Dr. Robotnik’s Alone Time Dance Party has to be the stand out sequence in my memory. I can’t really speak to what makes it so enjoyable, but damn if it isn’t just the best scene in the movie.

Best Character: Silicon Valley Dr. Robotnik

Do I even need to say it? It’s Dr. Robotnik. I’m not a fan of this villain from any other media. I always found Dr. Robotniks look unappealing, I’m not a huge fan of his powers, or using robot henchman. it always struck me as pretty boring how Sonic didn’t have a cool rogues gallery (i’m talking about 90s sonic) the way Mario did. However, they did something with the design, characterization, and performance that just made him such a fun villain. Also, my friend Jacksons mom said I looked like him and it didn’t hurt my feelings so.

Best Actor: Jim Carey

Jim Carey. It really seems like he’s all I’m talking about in this movie. Once again, I think Ben Schwartz did great and Sonic IS basically Dewey Duck in this movie. Dewey Duck is my favorite part of the rebooted DuckTales series, BUT he is just outmaneuvered by Jim Carey in this role. I think it’s a compliment enough to say that Ben Schwartz was even able to keep up with his energy, let alone play his quicker perkier foil. 

Worst Scene: Toyota Tacoma Commercial

Sonic: the Hedgehog’s worst scene would probably have to be the forced friend fight between Sonic and Officer Wachowski  during the car chase. It’s an overproduced weightless car chase scene with a contrived buddy cop controversy meant to force apart our heroes so that they can ultimately grow a little and come back together later in the movie. Not that I mind a movie like this to be so by the numbers, but it just felt like two of the blandest things on this movies plate being forced into one scene. I do like the idea of giving me the crap part of the dish in one flavorless generic bite, but that still doesn’t save it from being the worst scene in the movie. 

That Toyota Tacoma took a beating though.

Worst Feature: Nothing Ventured/ Nothing Earned

I’m sure many fans would feel that the worst feature of the film is that it isn’t loyal to any previous lore laden version of the character, (probably the one they like the most). In the portrayals of both Sonic and Dr. Robotnik there were decisions made that drastically differed from the ways they have been portrayed before. Sonic is naïve and idealistic, a bit childish, Dr. Robotnik is driven by a lot of insecurity. Where are the Chaos Crystals and my original character Grindy the Wolf Cub?

But I think that these are over all positive choices in a film that otherwise chose to play it incredibly safe. In their cautious approach to appeal to the widest possible audience the film makers gave us a pleasant and appealing cartoon romp but we are left with little to hold on to. The worst feature of Sonic: The Hedgehog is it’s safety.

Summary:

Sonic: The Hedgehog is often touted as “the first good video game movie”. A label that I disagree with wholeheartedly. It is certainly a good video game movie, but it’s not the first, and it is not by leaps and bounds better than other video game movies as a whole. It’s a sub genre that gets a ton of disrespect, and in a world where the biggest criticism levied against the Super Mario Bros is that it’s not a faithful adaptation, I don’t understand how Sonic the Buddy Cop/ Road Trip comedy is escaping that attitude.

All that said, I had a good time with this movie. But it felt like playing on the playground as a toddler. You have fun and then you leave and you don’t really remember what you played or who with. I’ll think about Jim Carey and Dewey Duck, but I had a hard time hating or loving anything this movie did in any strong way. I usually feel that a movie that is “bad” or “corny” or “shlocky” is always better than a movie that is generic, or pointless, or boring. Sonics pleasantness and cheerful energy just barely save it from being another Transformers franchise. I get that origin stories are hard, so I’m eagerly awaiting the next installment, and hopefully it’s going to do something that sets it apart. Probably not. 

Overall Grade: C

James Marsden! I just remembered!

#Sonic: The Hedgehog #2020 #2020s #video game #sonic #hedgehog #alien #action #super hero #adventure #buddy #road trip #jim carey #james marsden #ben schwartz #scifi #science fiction #dr #dr robotnik #robotnik #C #Grade C #scientis #mad scientist #(C)

[sunny-x-endeavor]

Lunch Buddies

Sunny x Endeavor Fanfic Type: Small interaction.

Fandom: My Hero Academia Characters: Enji Todoroki (Endeavor), Sunny (OC)

word count:  3020

Notes:  This happens right before All Might retires and the first villain attacks at the school. This piece is supposed to be after my last fanfic “Coffee Mates”. I’m mainly just slowly writing through the stages of their relationship. The last one was them formally meeting, and this one is them getting to know each other more in a friendly way.

Sorry for any type-os, misspellings, and poor grammar. 

I awkwardly walked through the packed halls of the convention center. It seemed like everyone had gotten out of their meetings and workshops. I held my bag in my arms tightly as I weave through the crowds. Making my way to an escalator going down. While riding down I could see a wave of colorful heroes mosing around the floor below me. I don’t normally go to hero conferences like this one but I was asked to do a talk about hero safety and injury prevention. It seems a lot of heros are interested in my low injury and high success rates. 

After getting off the escalator I speed off to find somewhere to sit and eat my lunch. I didn’t bring any heroes from my agency with me, so I was alone for this conference. I’ve never been good at making friends at these types of events, and I don’t have a lot of hero friends, so I wasn’t going to try to reach out to anyone. After a few minutes of walking and back and forth through the many hallways and rooms I found a sitting area that was tucked away in a corner. There were six small tables neatly in two rows and most of them were empty. I sat at the table the farest from the others there and faced away from them. There were big windows from floor to ceiling making the room feel open. I took a deep breath and sighed as I opened my bag to get out my lunch. I was glad to have a moment to breathe from the loud pro heros but I also felt lonesome from the lack of talking. 

In the bag was a container full of salad, some kind of nut and berry bar, chips, and a thermos of cold brew coffee. I looked at my lunch and started to regret what I packed. I wished for something more filling like a slice of pizza or a sandwich. I dug into the salad with a flimsy plastic fork. I took a big bite of the leaf greens to where it was almost too big to fit in my mouth. I was glad I wasn’t facing anyone....

“S-Sunny-Chan?” I heard behind me. I jumped a little bit and almost choked on my food. I turned my head to face the voice. A tall man with bright red hair was standing next to me. His left hand was the back of the empty chair next to me and on the other hand was a fabric lunch bag of sorts. “Uh, hello! It’s been a while. May I sit with you?”

I started chewing quickly and nodded my head at him. He sat down, as I quickly swallowed my food. 

“Endeavor-san!” I blurted out, “Sorry had food in my mouth so I couldn’t talk right away. Uh It’s good to see you, and it has been a while.” 

“Yes, yes. Sorry if I surprised you, but I saw you coming down from the second floor and thought to say hello. I said your name but I don’t think you heard me, so I thought I would come closer and say hello.” Endeavor said awkwardly. I don’t remember him being the type to ramble like this and it felt odd to me. “Uh anyways…. How are you? How’s the kid?”

“Oh I’m doing fine and so is Faith. Thank you for asking.” I awkwardly said back to him. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I hate small talk and I have the feeling so does Endeavor. “So what brings you here?”

“Oh um. Well we haven’t talked in a while so I thought I would say hello to you.”

“No, no I meant the hero’s conference. I don’t really ever see you coming to these things.” I could see through the flames on his face that his cheeks went a little pink from me pointing out his misunderstanding. 

“Oh! Uh… Yeah I don’t normally come to these things. I was invited to talk and I decided to say yes for once. As the number two hero I need to make connections with other heroes and scout for the best newcomers.” He crossed his arms while he spoke. Trying to seem tough and strong. 

“I was also invited to speak! I already had my panel a few hours ago, so I thought I would see some other heroes talk and what not.” I took a small bit of my food after talking and looked down at the table as I chewed. Avoiding eye contact. 

“What was your talk on? I didn’t see it in the schedule. I would have come and supported you if I knew.” Seeing me eat prompted him to get out his lunch as well. He took out some kind of bento from his bag and a pair of dark brown chopsticks. 

“That’s really sweet of you to say. It was on hero safety and stuff.” I took a sip of my coffee and gave him a quick glance. He looked interested in what I had to say and that was pretty shocking to me. Most people don’t listen to me and normally talk over me, but Endeavor wasn’t doing that. I don’t get why this guy has such a bad rep. He was always sweet to me and if I saw him more often I would think of him as a friend.

“Ah, I think I remember seeing you in the data of heroes in that field. So what’s the secret?” Endeavor spoke looking at me. 

“Secret? There’s no secret, my dude.” I put down my fork on a napkin and looked at him. He took this moment of me talking to take a few bites of his own food. “I just don’t give 100% of myself to the job. None of that 120% junk either. There is no such thing as 120% of one self. It’s not lazy or selfish to not give 100% all the time. You don’t run cars or any machines 24/7 365 days none stop. My max is 70% and so are those at my agency. I need my alone time and If I don’t recharge I can’t do my job correctly. Also If I’m taking breaks so should my employees.”

“Oh…” He looked down and put down the food he was going to take a bite off. “Is this supposed to be your alone time right now? Am I bothering you?” 

“No, no, no! I didn’t mean it like that.” I suddenly felt hot and my heart was twisting with guilt. He looked upset and that made me upset. “I meant like, um… I mean like I need to be home alone doing a hobby for a few hours and resting. Do you have any hobbies?” I tried to quickly change the subject. 

“No.” He quickly replied. “Well.... Does working out count as a hobby?”

“Depends. If it’s like hiking and taking in a beautiful view then sure, but I wouldn’t consider lifting weights a hobby. It’s more of an activity to do.” 

“I guess I don’t have any then…” The air between us got thick with his reply. I wasn’t sure what to say and neither did he. There was a long pause in the conversation as we both took this awkward moment to eat more of our food. 

I finished my salad and decided to try and break the ice once more. “Well maybe we could do something together some time? I could help you find a hobby. It’s really good to have one because it gives benefits to mental health.” I pushed my counter to the side and started to fiddle with my thermos as I talked. 

“I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of free time to be honest…” He spoke with a melancholy tone. 

“Hmmm. Sorry if this sounds rude, but you should make time. Especially time for yourself. I know it’s hard to actually do that tho. You’re the number two hero, so I understand you having to give most of yourself to the job. I’m not as high in rank, so I don’t know what the pressure is like. 

It’s something I talked about in my panel this morning. The higher rank you are the more pressure and because of that you need more time away from it all to lessen the pressure.” 

“Mmmm, go on.” Endeavor put his elbow to the table and then brought his hand to his face. Looking at me while listening. 

“Well to go back to those percentages I said before. There’s 5 fields to put your time into. Family, friends, love, work, and self. If you put in 100% into work then there’s nothing for the others. Everyone has to have a little bit of all of them but not everyone can have all of them. Especially in hero work; Our jobs require us to put the most time into work. So we have to give something up. I can’t give up my me time, and I can’t give up time with my family. So, I gave up on love and friends. Well I tried to make it work but it just couldn’t work out. Does that make any sense?”  

“Yeah, I understand what you mean. I don’t give time to anything outside of work and none of it is going too well.” For some reason it broke my heart a bit hearing that. It started to make sense why he was known for being an asshole. If nothing was working right in his personal life of course he would be frustrated at everything. “I should do more, but I don’t know how. All I know is being a pro hero… I guess that makes me sound kind of lame.”

“Well you’re talking to the number one dorkest hero!” I said with a wink and I put my index finger out to gesture the number one. “So I’m the lame one here. Don’t put yourself down like that.” 

“I guess that makes me the number two lamest hero at this table…. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.” He did a short and soft chuckle to himself. I giggled with him. Our eyes met again. He gave me a soft smile, but I could still see the melancholy in his eyes. I smiled back at him. 

“Well once again, I’m down to helping you find a hobby at least if you’re willing to make time for me. I have a ton of stuff I'm into. I can’t stay and do one thing for too long to be quite honest with you.” While I spoke Endeavor lifted is head from his hand and reached into his pocket. 

“Then give me your number if you’re so insisting on this hobby idea.” He pulled out his phone and started to tap at it. Most likely pulling up his contact app to put in my number. 

“Oh!” I didn’t actually think he would take me up on the offer and felt a big fluster as I dug into my bag for my phone. I didn’t think I would get this far. “Let me grab my phone, uh!!” I stopped digging through my bag when I realized mid search it was in my coat pocket. I pulled out my phone, unlocked it and put up the contact app. I leaned towards him and gave him my phone to put in his number. He gave me his phone in return. It was a heavy and wide phone. I tapped in my number and my name. I stared at the emoji page for a second trying to decide if I should add an emoji. Fuck it, I thought. I put in a heart emoji next to my name. I was feeling a little flirty and thought it would be cute. We gave each our phones back. 

“Thank you,” He said while looking at his phone. He had a soft smirk on his face. I watched him tap his phone with his index finger. His phone was making a tapping noise. I could tell he was writing a message. I wasn’t sure what he was typing until I felt my phone vibrate in my hands. I got a new message. 

Hello Sunny-chan! Is this the correct number?: The message read.

“Yes! This is the correct number.” I said out loud to him. 

“We can talk later about a time we can see each other. Also what type of things do you normal do? Your hobbies, I mean.” He said as he put away his phone. 

“Oh? Um….” I started to go blank on things I liked. I took a long pause to think of what I liked. I could feel his staring at me while he waited quietly for a reply. “Well, I like art. I like drawing, and well anything crafty. I love crafts. Such as sewing! I love learning new crafts. I also enjoy watching TV and listening to podcasts. I enjoy playing games, like video games. Not sports. I don’t care for sports much. Oh maybe we could watch something together? Like a movie! Not to sound weird, but maybe we could, as the kids say, netflix and chill? Haha” 

“What’s netflix and chill?” He replied quickly. 

“What?” I said back at him. I was a little shocked that was the thing he questioned first. 

“What do you mean by ‘netflix and chill’? I kind of know what netflix is since I pay for my children’s account. I don’t really understand what that saying is and I’ve been hearing it a lot lately.” He looked at me seriously. 

“Well I um… Well…” I struggled to find the right words.

“Well?”

“Well….” I leaned in towards him because I didn’t want others around us to hear what I had to say. I gesture for him to get close to me and he complied. “Well it means… Well it’s like you know how you can ask someone to come over to watch a movie? So they come over, and once they’re there you don’t actually watch the movie and do other stuff…”

“What other stuff? Like a board game? Why would you invite someone over for a movie and not watch a movie? If you wanted to do other stuff we could do other stuff. Just say what you want.” He said softly matching my soft tone. 

Holy shit. Endeavor you are clueless. I thought to myself. You gotta be fucking kidding me. 

“So okay let's say I message you over text, yeah?” He nodded at me. “If I message you, and I write ‘wanna netflix and chill?’ it doesn’t normally mean that. It means wanna come over and like make out half way through the movie. And so, saying that has come well known that it now has ironic meaning. Like what I said earlier I was joking about it. I actually meant watching a movie. Does that make sense?” I realized I was rambling, so I tried to stop myself. I could see his face a get a little pink when he I said make out. 

“So… So you don’t wanna watch a movie with me?” He leaned away from our little huddle we created briefly. 

“No, I do! I do wanna watch a movie. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear. I was trying to make a joke and It clearly didn’t land well. I’m sorry!” My face got hot and my heart started beating faster. I felt overwhelmed with this conversation. I felt like a fish tossed onto land. I don’t know where I was going with any of this. I wanted to make a good impression and get Endeavor to laugh a little. 

“I see, I see.” He nodded and started to poke at his lunch again. 

“Well, we don’t have to do that. We could go get coffee and just talk, or something else.” I was starting to feel like I was planning for a date and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. “We could get coffee. Then maybe walk around a craft center and look around for stuff to do?” 

“Hmmm… Maybe… I don’t really like going out to stores and people realizing who I am” He took a bite of his food after replying to me. Watching him eat gave me an idea.

“Oh wait, I have even better idea!!! Why don’t we cook something together? Cooking is a hobby!” I spoke excitedly. “We could make food that means a lot to us, or maybe something we both never had? I could buy the food, so you don’t have to go to any store or anything.” 

“I like that plan better.... I do have a decent size kitchen we could use.”

“Prefect! We can message each other later for the time and what to make!” I quickly clap my hands in excitement. “Oh this is gonna be fun!” I smiled wide and I could feel my teeth were showing.

“Hmmm” Endeavor smiled back at me and kept eating. Another pause happened while eating more. I took the time to open up the small bag of chips I had. Far more filling than the salad. 

“So…” Endeavor broke the silence this time. “I was wondering...” 

“Yes?” 

“If I’m not mistaken you don’t have anywhere else to go for this conference. Would like to company me then? I mean since I don’t have anyone to talk to and it seems like you might not as well… So I thought… Um.” He started to fumble at the end. 

“Sure!” I cut him off to stop his fumbling. “I’ll warn you tho. I might be talkative now but I’m actually really quiet most of the time.” 

“I’m the same way… Something about you makes it easy to talk. So I don’t mind I guess.” He looked away shyly. I smiled at him when he made that comment. The air was filled with excitement as we continued to chat with one another. It was going to be a long and fun day with him here.

#sunnyxend #sunnyxendeavor #self insert oc #oc #oc fanfic #my writing #sunny #endeavor #fanfic #okay to reblog :3c

[just-a-belgian-girl]

First Kiss

This is my Secret Santa gift for @awkwardspontaneity. I’m so sorry it’s out so late, Natasha Romanoff is one hard character to write.

@johnmurphyisqueer @hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis thanks so much for letting me join, this was a great idea!

Natasha Romanoff x reader

Word count: 968

You fiddled with your fingers as you waited, mentally reminding yourself to relax the muscles you didn’t even realize were tense.

To say you were nervous would be an understatement. Today you would be going on a first date with Natasha Romanoff; the Black Widow, a trained assassin and a woman you definitely wanted to stay on good terms with. But above all, you were hoping this date would go well enough that it could lead to more.

You were in love with the Black Widow. And she might be in love with you too. And you did not want to screw this up.

However, all doubts and fears soon disappeared from your mind when the elevator dinged and Nat stepped out, stylish as always in her fur-lined coat. The smile she gave you was enough to make your heart skip not one, but two beats as you thought of kissing her right then and there.

“Ready for our Christmas date?”

“Lead the way, Miss Romanoff.” You gestured towards the door with a small bow. She didn’t remark upon your attempt to be funny, but her eyes twinkled in amusement and that, you decided, was good enough.

Chatting about the least important things possible, you soon reached the center where an ice rink had been set up, as well as numerous little stalls running games or selling delicious foods. It looked somewhat like a fair, but a Christmas-themed one.

Children ran from stall to stall, chattering excitedly among themselves. Parents either followed them or stood on the sidelines to watch and bond with other parents. Everyone wore a smile, everyone exuded this air of happiness and contentment.

A small band, consisting of but five people, each playing a different instrument, played one Christmas classic after the other.

As you both enjoyed a waffle and a cup of hot cocoa, you tried your hand at the different games. You even had a competition with Nat to see who could win the other a stuffed toy first. You emerged the victor, and as you presented her with her new plushie, you swore she blushed ever so slightly. Naturally, you seized the opportunity to tease her playfully about it, but being Nat, she denied all allegations.

The plushie, a small, adorable penguin wearing a Christmas hat and scarf, was placed in her bag with only its head sticking out, which you insisted upon because otherwise the poor thing wouldn’t be able to see a thing. She just laughed, a tinkling, musical sound that made you fall just a little more in love.

Soon you noticed a crowd beginning to form around the ice rink. Your curiosity getting the better of you, you went to check it out together. The commotion seemed to be caused by a young man – a seemingly unpleasant one – who was performing all sorts of tricks on the ice and boasting that no one present could outdo him.

He apparently got bored of the admiring crowd and began challenging random spectators to an ice duel.

“What about you, Red? Think you can beat me?” A cocky smirk was painted on his face as he pointed at Nat.

“No, I don’t,” she hummed. He made a face and turned away to challenge someone else, only to spin around when she spoke again. “I know I can.”

You took her things from her and she strutted over, hips swaying sassily. The man on the ice looked flabbergasted at her response; his expression was quite comical. But he quickly regained his previous confidence, whispering conspiratorially to a man in the crowd that there was no way a ‘chick like that’ was a better skater than him.

Then Nat appeared in the rink, gliding along on her skates as if it was the easiest thing in the world. She almost seemed to fly as she performed a couple of preliminary leaps and spins in the air.

“Come on, buddy, are we gonna skate or not?” she asked in the middle of turning pirouettes.

For a moment, you were certain he’d back out. Then a young man shouted words of encouragement at him and both skaters jumped into action.

Perhaps it was her ballerina training, or perhaps it was her natural grace, but Natasha Romanoff made the poor man look like a clown. The mischievous, good-natured smile she wore gave each of her movements an air of ease, as though there were nothing that came more natural to her than ice skating.

One by one, each of the spectators began cheering for her, crying “Red! Red! Red!” over and over. The man skidded to a halt, his lazy, overconfident smirk now replaced by a scowl.

“You cheated.”

“Nope. I won fair and square.” Nat grinned, still sailing in circles around him.

“You did. There’s no other way you can be that good.”

“Believe what you will,” she hummed, “and I will believe what I will, along with all these lovely people.” She then disappeared, emerging a short two minutes later, but without skates. The crowd parted for her like the Red Sea did for Moses, and there stood your date before you, eyes shining in triumph.

You handed her her cup of cocoa, and she took a sip from it before looking back at you.

“No kiss for the victor?” she teased, and you immediately played along.

“Why, of course, milady, how silly of me to forget.” You leaned over, and your lips met. And right then and there, your heart made a wish; to be able to do this many more times, hopefully until the end of your life.

You parted, both smiling so bright you’d put the sun to shame, and she leaned in again for another one.

And that’s the story of your first kiss with Natasha Romanoff.

#hma 2020 secret santa

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E11

 quarantine diaries: may 30 2020

season 2 episode 11: “Coup de Grace”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON.  BELLAMY??! WOAH what did they put down bellamy’s throat

they really took Monty my favorite character. keep fucking hell man.

When maya tells you act fine when you’re not fine. Cue the Katy perry audio

I’m also going to note that i never thought that jasper the boy that was speared on day one would out live finn. but here we are.

that looks like dirty water. youre not supposed to drink pond water Abby.

octavia. Damn ok. But for some reason i just don’t find this character development to be that realistic. Like one minute she’s this damsel constantly in distress and now she’s supposed to be this badass warrior???

who are these mountain men? Jason borne?

only bellamy could look this good in tighty whities

that girl spit in my bois face. No.

yes jasper. confront dante. woah that escalted quickly. that sword tho. woah grandpas got them moves. jasper did a single tear wow the acting skills.

im on indras side on this one. Kill him. Kill him now.

im sorry but lets get back to the fact that the mountain men looked at prettyboy bellamy and said harvest. i think the real plot hole is that the mountain people think that bellamy is just for harvesting?! this is how i know the writers of the 100 are testing me because i know my boy is too fine to just harvest for blood.

soooooooooooo the writers are telling me that the mountain people looked this guy:

THIS GUY

AND THEY SAID HARVEST??

not to mention they did so while he was shirtless. and im just appalled by the utter disrespect

Honest to god waht?! some say too hot to handle i say too hot to harvest.

i swear this is the biggest plot hole i have ever seen in my life

i get that the sorting process is not a beauty pageant and that the only other option is the cerberus thing that would only lead him to become a reaper. but no one can look at bellamy and just think that hes only good as a human blood bag. abolutely not

wow they really had maya find bellamy. fine maya fine. i didnt like you at first but here you are moving up

“what so special about him but hes dead” i found this comical for some reason and idk why.

this fight with bellamy and the guard is really brutal....mark me down for both scared and horny

wow they just a radiation free zone so fast. thats a little convient too for me.

Kane trying to comfort Abby about Clarke...abby and kane. ship??

bellamy playing a guard again?? Ok full circle.

Maya said ‘I’m in’.....maya and bellamy. Ship??? She be like ‘jasper who? Bellamy is the sky person for me!!’

lovejoy how ironic

now bellamy just looks like a skater in that hat. who did costuming? literally the boy looks like sean malto!!!

‘I’ll come back for you”...bellamy and the grounder girl? Ship?

jasper coming to save monty!!! i was so worried!! that hug. the bromance is very much alive!!

dante said watch me bitch to dr. Tsing. Dante really being an unexpected ally. I really though he was going to be a bad guy. Bitch had me fooled

hey abby dont think about it too much. Think about it more like nature coming to claim the weak.

So this elevator scene. I cant believed that really worked. But i guess maya is just that trustworth. Little do these mountain men know

Ofc the son becomes the usurper

yes clarke. kill him. Kill him now. Make him pay for Monty.

This would have been a good time to bring up your father Clarke. Like you could have been remember mom when you killed dad and when you sent me to die on earth. 👀

Bellamy is giving zuko vibes with that black eye

ofc its lovejoys son. ofc....that’s rough buddy

monty and jasper taking on the parental roles. I Stan.

you tell her raven. But also what clarkes job??? honestly!!! what is it??

ofc its clarke is the one to pick up on bellamy. “mayas with you?” is clarke jealous?? jk

im mean not getting killed is a big deal bellamy. the odds are against you.

what is this music?? it is not setting the right vibez

cage is reminding me of steve carell in the office. best boss mug. that mug cut was goooood. it was so clean. My favorite transition so far. But also Monty handing Harper that mug while holding her hand....ship???

yes clarke take matters into your own hands. she said fuck you mom. she said “you main be the chancellor but im in charge” (36:40) clarke has BIG DICK ENERGY. Jaha who clarke is the real moses. let our people go she said. But tbh I don’t trust clarke.

6 hours?! I would die.

why did the clarke say “if bellamy dies, we all die” with a smile. like she is literally smiling . what was the vibe the director trying to go for here?

#the 100 #the 100 diaries #bellamy #octavia #clarke #jasper #quarantine diaries #raven #monty #maya #abby #kane #sean malto #bellamy is too hot to harvest

[365days365movies]

January 8, 2021: R.E.D. (2010)

Time to continue the action-comedy trend by getting away from the buddy cop trend, and hitting a different style of comedy: the ensemble. I’ll talk about this more during Comedy April, but one of my favorite comedies is an ensemble comedy. That would be 1963′s It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.

I cannot properly explain how much I love this movie. It’s only grown over the years, and I WILL get into this one day. Don’t know HOW...but I WILL.

Anyway, what do I mean by the ensemble? It’s a cast composed of many big names, especially those famous or popular at the time the film is made. Nowadays, superhero films tend to be our ensembles, as well as some other action films that I’ll get to later this month.

But in today’s case, the ensemble is different. Rather than purely action or comedy stars, they’re kind of all over the genre map. But ere we go, here’s the list of stars:

Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Karl Urban, Mary-Louise Parker, Brian Cox, Richard Dreyfuss, Ernest Borgnine, James Remar. Seriously. LOOK at the list of people up there. That’s one hell of an ensemble. None of them particularly well-known for comedy, and that’s handled in a surprising way. Which movie is this?

R.E.D. is definitely an interesting movie as action-comedies go, but let’s get into it, shall we? SPOILERS AHEAD, as a warning heading forward!

Recap

Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is a retiree living in suburbia, reading romance novels, and calling Sarah Ross (Mary Louise Parker), a girl working in the GSA pension office. Sarah Ross is most likely the Inevitable Love Interest of this film. The two decide to meet up in Kansas City, where she works.

But no time for that, as a group of masked assailants invade Frank’s house to kill him. But, see, it turns out that Frank’s ex-CIA. He handily takes them and turns the tables, then goes into the basement to prepare. Meanwhile…

Not very subtle, huh? I feel like the neighbors know what’s going on at this point. Frank takes on the rest, the house collapses, and he makes his way to Kansas City...directly into Sarah’s apartment. She freaks out (appropriate reaction), as he warns that people are trying to kill her, because they know how he feels about her via their (likely surveilled) phone conversations. She’s not buying it.

So he kidnaps her.

Good start, building trust, establishing boundaries, good start.

We now cut to an opulent estate, where The Butcher/Executioner/Judge Dredd Karl Urban is killing a man. He’s playing William Cooper, a CIA agent tasked to kill Frank. After Frank drops off Sarah at a motel (still kidnapped, remember), he goes to meet Joe Matheson (Morgan Freeman), another retired agent living at a retirement home, with his…

...hobbies. Using his connections, they discover that the hit quad after Frank also killed a reporter. The plot thickens. Sarah escapes, and calls 911, a call which was intercepted by Cooper. A fake cop nearly kidnaps her, but Frank saves her. Cooper catches up, leading to…

OK, yeah, that was a cool shot. Literally. Frank sets up Cooper to get arrested by the local police, and escapes with Sarah to New York City. There, they meet the mother of the NYT reporter killed, and discover clues that lead them to the NYU library, and a book with a hitlist hidden within it. They discover that everyone on the list is dead except for a Gabriel Singer. However, tempered with that, we get some unfortunate news.

Joe’s dead. Which sucks, I honestly liked Joe. He was already dying of liver cancer, but he sadly was assassinated by a mysterious assailant.

Anyway, back to Cooper. He goes to visit the Record Keeper (Ernest Borgnine), who gives Cooper the mostly redacted case file of Frank Moses. An extremely effective black ops agent in his day, the now older Frank’s been marked “RED,” or “retired, extremely dangerous.”

FLORIDA! There, we meet the paranoid and flighty Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich), who lives in the swamps of Pensacola trying not to get killed. He lives underground in a bunker whose entrance is a broken-down car, and I love it a lot. I love it a whole lot.

Turns out Marvin was given doses of LSD every day for 11 years while working for the government, which made him understandably paranoid. My MK Ultra senses are tingling, and Marvin retrieves a file detailing a case in Guatemala from 1981, in which Frank, Marvin, and everybody else on the hit list was involved. And with this, Marvin gets the pig.

I can’t wait to find out what the pig is. Because I know it’s gonna be some crazy weapon. And I’m excited for it. Now, we head to Mobile, Alabama to catch up with Singer (James Remar), the only living person on the list. Marvin then briefly holds a random bystander hostage, and he might be juuuuuuuuust a little unstable.

They meet Singer, and he explains that his job on the Guatemala mission was to carry a passenger in the middle of the night, for unknown reasons. Singer’s quickly assassinated from a helicopter after giving this information, and may I just say...these guys aren’t subtle about their assassination techniques. I feel like somebody would notice this stuff happening, throughout the entire movie.

Anyway, a group of assassins comes in to kill the group of 3. Including this person.

Nice. And as if that wasn’t enough, we now discover the purpose of the pig. It contains a grenade launcher. Of course it does. We get a cool firefight in which Marvin hits a grenade like a baseball, and Marvin and the woman from before face off in a Western standoff. And then…

Yeah. This is awesome. Seriously, I’m loving this so far.

Next destination, as our guys head to the Russian Embassy, where we meet Ivan Simanov (Brian Cox), an ex-KGB agent and former enemy of Frank Moses. The two catch up in a funny exchange, and they reminisce over their old days as agents and assassins. Almost sweet in a macabre way. Frank’s there to ask Ivan for help in breaking into the CIA, using schematics that they probably have.

Using the assistance of Sarah (who’s enjoying this a LOT, apparently), they get into Langley, making this the second movie I’ve seen this month where the protagonist breaks into the CIA. There, they meet the Record Keeper Henry, who immediately helps them, and gives them the Guatemala file. They also find out about Cooper, leading to Frank meeting him at his office, where a kickass fight ensues to some kickass music.

Frank’s not looking stellar after this fight, not that Cooper’s doing great either. They escape by setting up an explosion, stealing a firefighter’s uniform, and escaping to an ambulance There, they’re greeting by Marvin and…

Joe! He escaped, and killed the assassin. Now, it’s Joe, Frank, Marvin, and Sarah on the run in an ambulance. But Frank isn’t doing great, as he was shot in the struggle with Cooper. They head up to Chesapeake, Maryland, to the Eagle’s Nest. It’s there that we meet Victoria Winslow (Helen Mirren), yet one more R.E.D. agent, and a talented assassin as well.

They discover that the file has one redacted name, which is found on the reporter’s list as Alexander Dunning (Richard Dreyfuss), an arms trafficker and gangster, apparently protected by the CIA. Using Joe as a pretend buyer, R.E.D. infiltrates the mansion, as Dunning sneaks Joe into a safe room, where their negotiating can take place. Soon though, though, Frank and Marvin join in, and it turns from negotiation to interrogation.

We find out here that the Guatemala mission was meant to clean up the destruction of a Guatemalan village performed by the current vice president, Robert Stanton. Yikes. Apparently, he went nuts and murdered the entire village. And so, the hits are meant to cover up with war crimes, allowing him to run for President without fear of persecution.

After that reveal, Cooper calls the trio; looks like the mansion’s been surrounded by FBI, who were surveilling Dunning’s mansion anyway. Cooper, who’s been in doubt about the motives of this mission, tells Frank to surrender, and he’ll hear his side of the story. With little option for escape, Joe, who’s dying anyway, volunteers to take his place, as they know he will most likely be killed immediately.

And unfortunately, they’re right. Joe’s shot and killed, and Frank and Marvin escape with Victoria’s help. In the escape, however, Sarah falls and is captured by the agents. They escape with the aid of Ivan.

They need to get Sarah out of Cooper’s custody, while also deciding to end the cause of this: Vice President Stanton. Frank makes it into Cooper’s home, and calls him from there. This, of course, is a threat meant to protect Sarah. He also tells Cooper that he plans to kill the Vice President, who will be at a gala that night.

Vice President Robert Stanton (Julian McMahon) announces his intention to run for President, as Cooper, Victoria, and Ivan watch on. Ivan sprays a gas throughout the ballroom, while Victoria blocks the doors. Ivan causes a distraction, claiming the smell of gas (which he’s caused), then pulls a fire alarm. The Vice President is routed through the back entrance, where Victoria and Marvin are waiting with a machine gun.

They rig it to autofire, and chase the VP back through the building. Victoria’s shot in the process, and Marvin detonates a smoke grenade to aid their escape. He then rigs up a bomb to his chest and chases the VP away, into a vehicle driven by, of course, Frank.

Cooper’s defeated, and Frank has the VP, offering to trade him for Sarah. Cooper calls his boss, all of whom head to the rendezvous point. And alongside Cooper’s boss arrives Alexander Dunning. Surprise! He kills Stanton, and is in command of Cooper’s boss. And Cooper is NOT happy about that.

Cooper kills his boss, Marvin and Victoria kill the bodyguards, and Frank and Marvin kill Dunning. Cooper lets the REDs leave, unencumbered and free. But Ivan reminds Frank of his favor to him, and I smell a sequel as Frank and Sarah kiss.

Whew. That’s R.E.D.! And what a fun ride it was! Might not have come across in this recap, but this movie is hilarious fun, and I’ll explain exactly how in the review section, coming up next!

#R.E.D. #red 2010 #red film #red movie #R.E.D. 2010 #R.E.D. film #robert schwentke #bruce willis #morgan freeman #john malkovich #helen mirren #karl urban #mary-louise parker #brian cox #richard dreyfuss #julian mcmahon #enrest borgnine #james remar #frank moses #marvin boggs #victoria winslow #Ivan Simanov #william cooper #365 movie challenge #365 movies 365 days #365 Days 365 Movies #365 movies a year #a movie a day #movie challenge #action january

[eyebrowluv]

Tall Blonde with One Sugar 2/?

“No, no, it’s okay,” Erwin sighed. “He has Alzheimer’s. I took a couple years after undergrad to take care of him. I wanted to be there for him. He made me promise I would go back to school for my Master’s while he still had his facilities. I took care of him as long as I could, but his condition deteriorated to the point that only medical professionals could care for him. I stayed around and visited him in the nursing home for awhile, but he doesn’t remember me, and it just upsets him every time I go. The last time I saw him, he got so upset that they had to strap him to a bed and sedate him. So, I just call the nurse for updates. I haven’t talked to him since I came back to school. He’s happier that way.”

“Erwin…”

“So,” Erwin sniffles and swallowed heavily. “As you can imagine, my father is not in the mental or financial state to assist me. It’s fine. I’m an adult, and things won’t always be so hard.” He turned to Levi with that same smile, the one that shone so bright that you could almost ignore the way it never quite made it his eyes.

“If you need help-“

“Nope, I’m good. I’ve already imposed on you more than I should. Have a good night, Levi. Thank you again for the ride.” The blond didn’t hesitate in opening the door this time, and rushed into the building.

“Fuck, he’s going to be the death of me.”

——

“Where is it?” Levi blew a strand of hair from his eyes as he sat back on his heels. “It’s got to be here somewhere.” He looked around his bedroom in defeat before standing.

“The office,” he announced to the empty room before rushing out. He flung open the closet in the guest room turned office and saw the plain white box sitting in the corner.

“There you are, you fucker.” Levi lifted the box and shook it just make sure. Yes, this was it. He hurriedly opened the box and pulled out the GR1 backpack inside. He had gotten it for an ex as a birthday present, but they broke up before Levi could gift it to him. He was too lazy to return it, and was glad he was. Not even Erwin could destroy this thing. His search of the office continued. Until he found the bag containing his old laptop. The battery was likely dead, but it was only a couple of years old, and definitely in better shape than that brick Erwin was toting about.

Levi gathered his bounty and made his way out of his apartment and across the hall. He knocked on Erwin’s apartment door, and was surprised to find neither Erwin or his roommate.

“Hi, you must be Levi.” The person that stood in front of Levi looked almost maniacal with glee.

“Hange, I don’t think it’s going to come on. It’s broken beyond repair.” Erwin’s voice sounded from deeper in the apartment.

“Come in. I’m trying to save his laptop.” Hange motioned for Levi to follow, and led him into the apartment.

“Who was at the door?” Erwin was seated on the floor in front of the coffee table, pieces of his broken laptop spread on its surface. He looked up. “Levi? Is there something wrong?”

“Yes. It disturbs me that you think you can actually salvage that thing. Here.” Levi held out the backpack.

“What’s this?” Erwin took the proffered bag.

“What does it look like? It’s a backpack, you idiot.”

“I know that, but why?” The blond studied the dark gray nylon in his hands, noting the weight.

“You need one, don’t you? I don’t use it, so there you go...a new backpack.”

“Levi, really, I couldn’t,” Erwin protested, unzipping the bag to look inside. “You forgot that your laptop was in here.”

“No, I didn’t. I got a new laptop this year, so this one is just taking up space and collecting dust.”

“Levi, this is too much. I really can’t-“

“Nonsense. You can and you will. I don’t use them or need them, you do. It’s really quite simple. You don’t have a say because I don’t trust your judgment.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You say thank you, Levi.” Levi crossed his arms, and Erwin looked at him with shining blue eyes.

“Thank you, Levi.”

“Good boy. Now I’ll leave you two to it.” Levi turned to leave before noticing something was...off. “Where’s Nigel and Mary?”

“Nile and Marie are spending the weekend at Marie’s. Her roommate went away for the weekend.”

“Good news for you. Have fun, kids.” With that, Levi let himself out.

——

“Are you freaking kidding me right now?” Hange squealed.

“I’m not sure what just happened.”

“You never told me your neighbor looked like that.”

“Like what?”

“Erwin, come on now. He may not have much in the way of personality, but the man is hot.”

“I’ve not noticed.” Erwin blushed.

“Liar,” Hange accused. “I suppose you didn’t notice how he just gave you a $300 backpack? Or how about the state-of-the-art, top of the line laptop?”

“I’m sure that he just expects me to borrow them. I’ll give them back when I have enough money to replace them.”Erwin’s protests sounded weak even to his own ears. “Besides, it’s not like he went out and bought them just for me.”

“Yeah, you’re in denial.”

“About what, exactly?”

“Nothing. I think it will be more fun to sit back and watch you try to figure it out yourself.”

——

“Erwin, you made it back,” Nile said suspiciously just a mere two weeks later. “I feel like I never see you anymore, buddy.”

“Yeah, you’re creeping me out,” Erwin said as he tied off his shoes.

“Nice backpack. You steal it or something? I know you can’t afford that brand.” Nile chuckled, letting Erwin know he was only joking.

“No, you dick, Levi’s letting me borrow it.” Erwin eyed his roommate suspiciously. Nile was going out of his way to be more friendly than usual and Marie was unusually absent in the apartment. “What are you up to?”

“Erwin, you wound me. Maybe I just wanted to hang out with my roommate on his one evening off from work.”

“We both know that’s a lie. Did you and Marie break up?”

“No, we’re doing better than ever, thank you. She’ll be over a little later. But I did need to talk to you about something.”

“You know, you could have just texted me while I was still on campus. I would have either stayed there or went home with Hange. Or you could just stay in your bedroom for once and I’ll put my headphones in and act like you two aren’t here.” Erwin was clearly exasperated.

“No, it’s not that. Though it would be nice if you can find somewhere else to hang out when Marie gets here. I hope you understood, a girl likes a little privacy.”

“Nile...the point. Get to the point of this conversation,” Erwin grit out between clenched teeth.

“I’m moving out. Marie and I have decided to get an apartment together. We were going to wait until next semester, but the apartment we want opened up and we will have to move in by next week or be put on a waitlist. You understand don’t you?”

“You’re unbelievable. I can’t afford this apartment alone. I can’t afford the penalty for breaking the lease. When we decided to become roommates, that was the deal. We wouldn’t break the lease.”

“I’m sorry Erwin, but your financial problems aren’t my responsibility. I’m sure you’ll find another roommate in no time.”

“I begged you to find something cheaper with a shorter lease, but you just had to have this place. Now I’m just going to be stuck paying your half or a penalty because the only brain you have is in your dick!” Erwin took a calming breath. “There’s no way I’ll be able to find a roommate in the middle of the semester.”

“It will be fine. You always worry too much.” Nile shrugged. “Now I have to get ready. Marie will be here any second.”

“You know what, Nile? Fuck you.” Erwin grabbed his shoes and keys and slammed the door on the way out. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialing Hange.

“What did he do this time?” Hange asked in way of greeting.

“I’ve been sexiled again.” Erwin answered tersely.

“I can come get you in a couple of hours. I’m going in for my lab midterm right now.”

“No, that’s okay. I completely forgot. I’ll just go for a walk or something. Thanks though, Hange.”

“Hey, whatever it is, I’ll help you all I can.”

“I know. Thanks.” Erwin disconnected the call and sat down on the steps to put on his shoes.

“And wouldn’t you know, the apartment just opened up and we’re moving in next week!” Erwin heard Marie’s excited chatter as she climbed the stairs. “I can’t wait, Mom.”

She walked past Erwin, her only acknowledgment being her annoyed sigh as she walked around him.

“Yeah, I can see why you were heartbroken over that one,” Levi deadpanned. Erwin grinned despite himself.

“Yeah, she’s...something,” was all Erwin was able to say. Politely.

“So, I take it that she’s not moving in with a different boy toy, but that pube-faced idiot you live with.”

“You would be correct.” Erwin stood time to make way for Levi, who had his arms full of groceries. “Here, let me help you with that,” he offered, taking several bags from the older man.

“Has your financial situation changed?”

“Nope, but I’m not his responsibility. I have some money in savings that I can live off of for a couple of months until I can find another roommate.”

“It’s in the middle of the semester,” Levi reminded him.

“I’m trying to be positive, Levi.”

“Well, I’m positive that Nigel is a dick. Come on, help me put the groceries away and I’ll make you dinner.”

“I couldn’t.”

“Erwin, I’m not asking. You will sit down and eat a descent meal. Don’t think I don’t know that you live off store brand canned soup and ramen. Now haul your ass.”

“Yes, sir.” Erwin followed Levi into his apartment. “Thank you, Levi. I promise I’ll start doing better. I mean, it really can’t get much worse.”

“You can’t be serious,” Erwin’s co-worker, Moses, groaned as they watched Keith Shadis have a complete meltdown during his press conference.

“Did he just say he is pulling his campaign?” Erwin was hoping he heard wrong.

“Yup. The asshole has no consideration for all the people he just unemployed.” Moses just shook his head and walked away. Erwin started making mental calculations in his head. He felt sick to his stomach. He fought back tears as he numbly swiped through help wanted ads on his phone during his bus ride home.

Not that home was much better. He tiredly drug himself through the door to the empty apartment. Most of the furniture was Nile’s. The only furniture left in the living room was the worn out coffee table and a cheap table lamp. Hange’s partner, Moblit, gave him a couple of cushions to sit on, for which he was grateful.

His bedroom was equally as spartan, with just a small card table serving as a desk and a futon pad on the floor. He didn’t bother to turn on the light as he laid his backpack on the floor. He stripped out his suit, not bothering to hang it up as was his usual habit. He laid down and curled into a small ball and told himself that everything would be better in the morning.

Even if he didn’t believe it.

——

“You could always try camming,” Hange suggested around a mouthful of pizza.

“Excuse me, what?” Erwin choked.

“You know, be an online camboy. Get paid to get off. You get enough money to pay your bills and you get the side benefit of stress relief.”

“Um, no, just no. I’m big and awkward. I feel too self conscious just having sex when the only one watching is my partner. I can’t imagine that anyone would want to pay to watch as I try to figure out the best angle to keep my hands or feet from looking too big. Besides, I don’t have much of a voyeurism kink.”

“Erwin, seriously. You spend a lot of time at the gym and you’re practically a god among men. I think plenty of people would pay to watch, right Moblit?”

“Leave me out of this,” Moblit squeaked with a blush. “If he’s not comfortable, there’s no point of pressing the issue.”

“Thank you, Moblit. I’m glad there is someone willing to defend my virtue.”

“Please, like you don’t go full-on slut for that hot doctor neighbor of yours. I’d bet he would watch your cam show.” Hange wiggles their brows.

“I’m not a full-on slut for anything. I’ll leave that role to Marie. And I told you, Levi has no interest in me, we’re just neighbors. We barely speak. Furthermore, I maintain that I’m awkward as hell at sex, and nobody wants to see that. It’s not sexy, I’m not sexy, and I have no desire to be a camboy.”

“I could point out all the flaws in your argument, but I chose to focus on the fact that you just roasted Marie like a pro, so I’ll let it slide.” Hange scooted a plate of pizza toward Erwin.

“No, thank you,” he said as he scooted it back.

“You can’t tell me you’re not hungry. I’ve seen you skipping meals,” Hange scolded.

“I can’t afford to contribute. I’ll eat some soup when I get home.” Erwin looked back down at his textbook, ignoring the glare from his best friend.

“I wasn’t asking you to contribute, I was asking you to eat. I don’t care about the 2 bucks for your portion of the pizza, Erwin. I care that you have budgeted yourself into a hunger strike. Eat the damn pizza.”

“Hange-“

“Eat the pizza, Erwin. I will not take no for an answer.” This time it was Moblit who was doing the scolding.

“Okay, but I’m keeping track. As soon as I can, I’m paying you back. I have an interview tomorrow at the fish market. They need help unloading the fish. It’s early morning before class starts so I can probably make it work.”

“Early morning? You have classes starting at 8 am. It would have to be pretty damn early,” Hange said with a frown.

“I would have to be there by 3:30. I would get off at 7, which gives me just enough time to get to campus.”

“But buses don’t run that early, Erwin. How are you going to get to work?” Moblit asked, concerned.

“I’ll have to walk. It’s only about a 45 minute walk. I’ll be able to catch the bus back to campus. I’ll shower at the gym before my first class. No big deal. But, I’ll have to get the job first.”

“Erwin, come on, there’s bound to be something better than flinging fish in the middle of the night.”

“Hange-“ Erwin was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He excused himself and went to the kitchen to take the call. When he returned, his face was pale and ashen.

“Erwin?”

“Hange, can you take me home? I need to pack a bag and look up some flights.”

“Of course. What’s wrong?”

“That was the nursing home. My dad...he’s gone.”

——

“Levi, you cannot skip out on these fundraisers. They are for the remodel and equipment for the Trauma Division. You know, your division,” Petra scolded into his ear. Levi sighed into the phone.

“As I am aware. Why can’t it be something simple? Fill out a form or some shit? What you have concocted is a series of highly social events. I loathe being social. In fact, I’m so incredibly terrible at being social that I would probably scare away more sponsors rather than winning them over.”

“If you would bring a date, you would have a social buffer. Just make sure you pick someone pretty, good with people and can carry a conversation. You will barely have to open your mouth. Your date would do all the hard work. You know…the dreaded small talk.”

“I would rather take a beating than engage in small talk,” Levi growled through clenched teeth.

“As I am aware,” Petra sighed. “However, you are still required to attend. So, get some suits dry cleaned, find a person who can actually tolerate your grumpy ass, and suck it up buttercup. The first event is in two weeks. Surely even you can find a date by then.”

“But Petra-“

“No arguing your way out of this, Levi. See you soon.” With that, the line disconnected, leaving Levi a little agitated. He always hated it when Petra got the last word, but he did have to admit that she was right. He needed to be at these fundraisers to represent the hospital, and they so desperately needed the money.

He was contemplating who he could tolerate enough to accompany him to these events when he heard a pounding on his neighbor’s door. He hadn’t seen the tall blonde since the roommate moved out about a month prior. He had assumed everything was okay, but now…

“Erwin! I know you’re home. Open the damn door.”

Levi left the relative quiet of his apartment to see Erwin’s friend, Hange trying to beat down the door. He opened his mouth to admonish them for the noise, but Hange turned to him with a desperate look.

“Please tell me you have a spare key. He won’t open the door. I’m worried about him.”

“I don’t.” Levi walked over. “Erwin? Open the door, please. Your friend is annoying me.” When he received no answer, he tried the doorknob, which turned with ease.

“Oh, I guess I couldn’t see the forest for the trees,” Hange murmured.

#eruri #erwin smith #levi ackerman #eruri fanfic