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donaweasley · 3 years

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Midnight Street

Forward

Part 01: The Way You Look at Him

Pairing: Loki x Fem! Reader

Reading time: ~10mins

Warning: Angst (unrequited love), drinking, Loki-as-a-best-friend fluff

“Where are we going?”

For the umpteenth time, (Y/N), almost imploding from curiosity, asked her best friend who was calmly enjoying the sun-kissed scenery fleeting outside the cab’s window.

“Patience, darling,” he was amused by the restlessness of his favourite teammate.

“I have many qualities but that’s not one of them. You know that!”

“How can I not?” Loki ran a hand over his lower jaw, remembering how, not many hours ago, a prolonged teasing about her furry, polar bear-themed sleepwear had earned him a punch in the face.

(Y/N) noticed his wince and sighed, “Look, I’m really sorry about that,” her voice woven with guilt. “You shouldn’t have messed with Shinchan!”

“Shinchan?” he asked with furrowed brows.

“The furry white bear on my t-shirt!!” she exclaimed, growing impatient again.

“Ah! Right!” He nodded with a smile but rolled his eyes as soon as he turned his face away.

Eventually, Loki had started finding it difficult to remember all the names that she gave to her furry friends - not only the ones on her shelf but also the ones on her t-shirts, like the sleepwear that recently got him into trouble.

When he had discovered this habit, he had laughed, predictably earning a death glare from her. But as time slid by, he found it somewhat endearing that she would treat everything with an emotional touch. The amount of care and sunshine that this little human could exude was beyond his understanding.

Yes, Loki had, over the course of time, started seeing Midgardians with a new respect - well, most of them. But he couldn’t shake off the fact that this particular human was probably the first one to see through his tough Asgardian skin, and to place a gentle, soothing finger on the well-hidden vulnerability inside. She did not mock him for that. Instead, she helped him heal.

Maybe a reason behind the connection was that she herself was similar to him in many ways - tough and sarcastic with a que-sera-sera attitude on the outside but broken and soft on the inside.

“Please, Loki! I’ll...I’ll..I don’t know!!”

Loki observed the way her legs had started bouncing, a habit that she had been trying to shed.

“Okay! I know. For the next one month, you get to have my share of desserts. Ha! Beat that,” she raised a brow in a challenge.

He placed a finger on his lips, thinking. Or rather, pretending to think.

“Hmm. Tempting! But no.” His eyes were surrounded with happy creases as he smugly put her offer down.

“Fine! Have it your way!” She huffed.

When Loki had pushed her into treating herself to a vacation, he had volunteered to make all the arrangements on his own. Her part in the itinerary ended as soon as they selected a location: Switzerland.

So, she knew that they had taken a flight to the European version of Paradise but where their cab was taking them, she had no clue of. Given that Loki originally hailed from a royal family, she had assumed that he’d booked a posh hotel, some lavish place where he could live like a prince again. But as the road slipped by beneath them, all the possible locations of said kind of hotels were left behind, and they seemed to venture more and more into the countryside. Now, that was something that she did not see coming.

“Do you know that you’re missing a lot of good things because of this impatience of yours,” Loki said calmly, immediately drawing her attention, her eyes growing large with interest.

“It’s beautiful outside,” he smiled, lazily pointing towards the mountains and greenery slowly moving past them.

“Hmm...yes, it’s gorgeous! I’ve been seeing it all” her face gradually lit up.

“That’s the thing! You’re seeing it all, not feeling any of it.”

“I am feeling it,” she asserted with a smile. “You know how much I love mountains.”

“Really? How can you feel it when there’s anxiety bubbling up inside you like a bird trying to escape its cage?” he argued. “Let go of control. Live in the moment. Isn’t that what you’d taught me?”

It were things like this that attracted (Y/N) towards Loki, enough to give him the prized place of being her best friend. It were things like this that helped her to loosen herself whenever her self-doubts and negativity - smartly veiled behind a merry face - spiralled her down a rabbit hole.

But this attitude didn’t come easy to Loki either. Had she not shown her faith in him, had she not reminded him that he needed no certificate to prove who he actually was, that he was as good as he believed himself to be, he would have still been the lonely alien who silently watched from a corner as the world hummed in joy.

-----------------------------------------

Eleven months ago…

“I see the way you look at him,” the God of mischief spoke softly.

Tony Stark knew how to throw a party; no one would argue with that! He made sure that no one from any department was left uninvited. He made sure that people had one hell of a time. He made sure that the music, the food, the drinks and the entertainment did not end until it was six in the morning. It was all fabulous!!

But some people tend to feel like outcasts at certain get-togethers even if they are the most socially pleasant of all in other places.

One such outcast, Loki, had woven his way through the crowd to stand in peace on the balcony. The majority of the faces were unknown and the few that were known made sure that their sceptical looks delivered their messages hard, with the exception of Thor, of course.

It was here that he found a fellow Avenger, leaning with her back on the balcony, drink in hand, bleary eyes following the movements of one particular inmate. Thankfully, she wasn’t one of the sceptical ones. Neither was she very friendly to him. Her equation with him lay flat on the x-axis, thus making it easier for him to make small talks with her than with the rest of the team. ‘Team’, he would sometimes huff mentally, given the mistrust they had in him even after spending over four months under their observation.

She tilted her head to look at the tall figure standing beside her.

“The entire goddamn Universe knows how I look at your brother,” she slurred. “Don’t worry, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m used to this kind of stuff.”

Loki stared at her for a couple of seconds, his mouth ready to speak but not sure how to respond.

“I...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Or sympathise with you. It was...it was just a...Well, I didn’t think much before saying.” If Loki wasn’t filled with sympathy before, he definitely was now.

“That’s okay, dude! Relax! I don’t mind. I...It’s...Never mind. Enjoy the party!!” She raised her glass towards him. Her tone swept quickly through fun to sadness to I-don’t-care.

However, her eyes never left Thor: smiling, laughing, dancing, talking - being the life of the party - with Jane on his arm, in his arms. She blamed it on her consistent bad luck in relationships. The fact that, with so many good-hearted, good-looking people around, she fell for the one who had already fallen for someone else, couldn’t be more than a cliché of a poorly written tragedy of which she was but only a fleeting side character - so she thought.

For a change, Loki decided to remain quiet - a decision quite difficult for him to make and stick with, given the amount of pleasure he got simply by stringing words into smart sentences.

Several minutes passed between them in silence. Her eyes kept darting through the crowd while he kept an eye on her, making sure that she did not lean too far out. Well, he had nothing else to do anyway. Locking himself up in his room will only earn him some much not-needed advice from Thor and a few sarcastic comments from Tony. He rather preferred to make sure that one of his teammates did not accidentally (or intentionally, who knew) kill herself while pining over his own brother.

Standing all alone or standing amidst a crowd of strangers, and remaining quiet is one thing. But standing beside a familiar face, especially someone that you can talk to, and remaining mum is something horrendous for a person who loves to talk. And so, Loki decided to take the lead and start a conversation - any conversation! At this point, they could discuss the weather, and he wouldn’t mind.

He had hardly turned towards her and opened his mouth when she happily exclaimed, “Brunnhilde!!”

Loki turned to see the Valkyrie waltz towards them, a large bottle in hand and not a falter in her steps.

‘Perfect timing’, he thought.

As she approached, (Y/N) reached out and hugged her tight. The way she held onto the warrior and swayed, clearly indicated her delirious state.

“Where have you been, woman?” Brunnhilde asked her. “We’ve been looking for you. C’mon, Natasha wants you to meet someone.”

“Really?” the latter giggled. “Is he hot?”

The way she uttered the word “hot” made Loki knit his brows and give her a questioning look.

“Oh, wait,” she continued, “Nat chose someone. He’s got to be hot! Let’s go!”

Brunnhilde laughed, “Seriously, how many drinks did you have?”

“Not many. Eight. Ten. No...it’s...Fifteen...Twenty?” She made a hazy mental calculation. “I’m not drunk, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m just a little tipsy. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, miss!” She slurred in her defence.

“Alright. You know what, meeting this guy may not be the best thing to do right now,” the Asgardian woman observed. “Best talk to him tomorrow, when you’re sober.”

“I am sober!” (Y/N) tried to straighten herself but only managed to fumble on her heels.

“Yes, you are. But this guy isn’t. He’s totally going to crash. So it’s not a good time. For your benefit,” Brunnhilde tried to sell her story.

And she probably did because (Y/N) now stood with a face that clearly hinted at her brain trying to add two and two, but failing miserably.

Loki was quietly watching the scene unfold before him. As long as she was standing still and quiet, he never realised how drunk she was. It was a good thing, he thought, that he stayed back to watch her.

“Loki,” he was startled by the voice of his fellow warrior, “thanks for looking after her.”

He was dumbfounded. How did she know?

“Thanks for your thanks, but I didn’t-”

“I know,” she cut him off with a knowing look. Well, at least somebody besides his brother knew him, even if a little.

Brunnhilde continued, “Do you mind taking her to her room? She’ll turn herself sick standing here.”

“I will not go to my room!” the drunken woman stomped her foot. “I will not leave this party! I’m fine.”

‘’But-” Brunnhilde started but this time Loki cut him off.

“(Y/N), it’s alright. I don't want you to miss this party either, trust me. Do you mind accompanying me to the lawn, if you don’t mind? It’s getting stuffy here.”

She looked a bit relieved, now that no one was plotting to push her into her room. But she wasn’t convinced.

“But we’re out on the balcony,” she stated, “how can you feel stuffy here?”

“Oh, the loud music, the crowd. It’s nauseating, don’t you think?” Loki smoothly replied. He wasn’t lying though.

“It is,” (Y/N) mumbled, her brows brought together in thought. “Take her,” she pointed at Brunnhilde.

“She’d rather throw me off the balcony,” he responded.

(Y/N) cackled, and the said warrior glared at him. Loki simply raised a brow at her, requesting her to play along.

“Fine, I’ll go,” (Y/N) raised a hand in the air, volunteering to be Loki’s guide. “Brunn, I’m sorry. Can’t let this idiot get lost, right?”

“I beg your pardon?” Loki wasn’t sure how to react.

Brunnhilde chuckled, “Right, make sure this idiot finds his way back.”

Before he could say something in retaliation, the other Asgardian had started walking towards the raging crowd.

“Shall we?” (Y/N) was bowing before him, arms stretched towards the direction of the exit.

Loki pinched the bridge on his nose, “Allfather, give me strength!”

***

#loki love #loki #loki of asgard #avenger loki #loki imagine #loki (marvel)#loki laufeyson #loki odinson #mcu loki #loki x you #loki fanfic #loki x reader #loki x reader sweet #loki x reader fluff #loki x reader best friend #loki x reader bff #loki x reader kiss

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shinwhoohoo · 7 years

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CNU MEGAPOST

Yes, I finally got around to reposting it in all it’s humble glory~! ✨✨

To give a quick backstory for those who did not see the original, I received an ask about a year ago asking why CNU was my ultimate bias (and to explain it in detail). Of course, me being the wordy person I am (In addition to how much I actually do just adore the bear), I wrote an extremely long-winded response.

Unfortunately since I deleted my blog a few months after posting, my CNU Megapost got lost along with it. So! Under the cut is my original answer to why exactly I love CNU~ (anything italics represents new notes, the rest is unchanged! Besides a few new gifs)

Original introduction:

ahh this sounds like an exam question! haha I must admit, I had this finished a few days ago. But, what better day to post this than on CNU’s Birthday? So, Happy Birthday Shinwoo! This is better than any sappy gif set I could make anyways!

Reading my tags, I’m sure you can see that I am quite verbose at times. So I certainly can give you a very detailed explanation of why I adore CNU... which I’ll put under a cut for obvious length reasons.

So I tried to think of the best way to go about this and keep it organized. I have some main points that I then went further into detail describing, and listed them in what I guess we can say is least important to most important.

First off, as I’m sure many would say about their bias, I obviously find him attractive. To be honest, it didn’t start out this way. The first time I saw B1A4, it was stumbling upon their ‘Beautiful Target’ MV they had released just a few weeks prior at the time, and CNU looked like this:

(didn’t I screenshot such a nice moment?) Ok, in his defense none of them looked spectacular, although they all did look super adorable. I didn’t have a bias right away, but I did quickly fall for the group themselves. It didn’t take too long before CNU’s more gentle appearance got to me though. I loved his sweet eye smile, and how he had non-standard idol features, like his round nose and bunny teeth, his glasses and funky hairdos.

I’ll link some other beautiful photos of younger CNU --> (x)(x)(x)(x) Also, he looked almost pretty enough to be a girl at times:

UGH that was a look. Anyways, as he matured, despite loosing the quirky hairdos, opting to not wear glasses as often, and shaving down his bunny teeth (took some time but I did eventually get over Baro and him doing it lol), I found him to become even more attractive. He filled out and became this mega broad-shouldered man capable of giving me pseudo heart palpations. (Also on a side note, I also think it’s nice that he’s not super thin like the majority of idols.)

(of course I needed to include a pic with the black t-shirt, I think any BANA would agree 😉 ) More CNU-shoulder-man pics--> (x)(x)(x)(x)(x) Despite his more masculine look, he is still the same adorable bear that he’s always been:

who also makes driving look attractive:

Some may have already seen, but I have a post (heh, not anymore, that was from pre-deleted blog) which has my favorite pictures of CNU from 2016, or you can also check out my horribly named tags for CNU. And... I think it’s safe to say he puts the ‘dong’ in Shin Dongwoo *runs away*

(cr: shinwooed)

ok! Wow, first bullet point done!

As a next point, I love the way that CNU treats his fans in such a manner of adoration. All of the boys have their own manner of acknowledging the fans. We all know Gongchan has his insane fan service: Jinyoung writes songs and tries to include BANA in their projects, Sandeul and Baro like to play off each other to entertain them... but CNU’s actions are a little more understated. In the beginning, it was a running joke that CNU was even too embarrassed to say he loved the fans. He was a very shy bear when they debuted. Even so, you can tell in the conversations and responses he had with the fans, even back in the beginning, how much he cared about them, giving them advice and wanting them to do and be the best that they could be. It’s something he continues to do still, even though luckily for us he’s overcome his fear of the ‘L’ word. Instead of just telling the fans that from the beginning, he waited until he was comfortable with it, when we knew it was sincere. In his posts, he trusts the fans by giving them updates on how he is, even when the news is sad. He continues to give his advice, and presents it in such a way that we know that we’re not going through it alone-- he has his down days, his doubts and his own anxieties, just like everyone else. But his encouragement to always push forward is something I admire so greatly in him. He always remembers to drop by, even just to say hi. And he always reminds us that we help him, just as much as he (tw: suicide mention in the following ‘helps’ link-->) helps us. While his responses may be simple at times, they are heartfelt, and even through his interactions and gaze you can truly see how much he cares.

(gif not mine)

(gif mine)

Some other CNU w/fans/fan letter pics --> (x)(x)(x)(x) Note the beautiful smile in each one. In other words, CNU doesn’t cover up who he is for the fan’s sake. He trusts us enough to be honest with what he is going through (although this took some time for him to work up to, which I’ll be getting to later), and is genuinely interested in how our well being is. To me, the fact that he isn’t over the top, instead opting to have more mundane, normal conservations through twitter or the fancafes demonstrates a sincerity that is hard to come by, especially with people you don’t know. But for CNU, if you’re a BANA, than you are part of this intimate circle. You can feel his appreciation of your support.

Now to get into the more detailed points. (The first two were child’s play compared to these next two 😌 ) I love CNU’s relationships with his fellow members. They are the people he has been with since he was in high school. Who he began with, in a nondescript building where they had only a few rooms to train in. He spent sleepless nights with them, worrying if they were good enough to debut, if they even had a chance to make it. Even before they deputed, there was already so much they had been through together, stories that they shared in their small dorm. In such a cramped space, you have little choice but to express your emotions with each other; And B1A4 made it a promise amongst themselves, since the beginning, that they would be open and talk with each other. Alright, so I admit I’m getting off track here, since this is about my CNU thirst and not about pre-debut B1A4. But I think there needs to be a little background set-up to better understand where I’m going with this. The basis of the members’ relationships was set up from these beginnings, and gradually evolved into the deep brotherhood they have today.

With Gongchan, CNU had certainly felt the need to step in and fill the older brother role. Though Gongchan was an older sibling himself, with the members even admitting his maturity, that wouldn’t stop CNU from being a protector. He felt the need to correct Gongchan, and while of course coming from a good place, it was something that Gongchan didn’t come to understand and appreciate until much later. Maybe because of this, Gongchan was said to be awkward around CNU (although I personally don’t really believe this, I think that they are both just the type to be comfortable with silence. Besides, there’s still plenty of moments from the early days where they were caught goofing with each other! )

My favorite thing about the Shinchan relationship is that CNU respects Gongchan, and has acknowledged that as Gongchan got older, he was no longer the same minor that needed direction at every turn. I think CNU and Gongchan make a nice pair, with CNU able to have moments of seriousness with him, but also being able to let down his guard and have some fun himself.

(gif not mine)

(this & following 3 gifs mine)

In the end, its the little things; the cute moments they share with each other during interviews

the casual touches:

and CNU’s general love for Gongchan’s well sculptured butt. (Well, all the members’ love lmao)

CNU’s relationship with Baro I think is an interesting one-- Shinro, or as I and some other’s like to call it, 2woo (cause who wouldn’t want two woo’s for the price of 1, ha ). Similar to Gongchan, CNU acted more as a guardian to Baro in the beginning than a fellow teammate. Baro himself has admitted that he got into trouble pre-debut (only some white lies and skipped practices, remember we’re talking about the living, breathing, walking, angels B1A4), which lead to CNU stepping in to help get him back on track. It wasn’t all scolding however; CNU took his place as guardian in a more emotional way when Baro thought he would be alone at his graduation. Showing up there with Jinyoung cemented his place as a support system that was deeper than being just teammates. What adds an interesting layer to their relationship is their liking for similar r&b and hip-hop music/style, something the other members don’t really share. Out of this, comes the true 2woo brotp pureness-- seen in the beautiful selcas here:

(was only going to include one but they lookin mighty fine in suits) But this bro realness was always there, from the beginning:

youtube

And has never gone away. Of course it’s not all swagness, with them having their cute moments as well. But while Gongchan brings out a pure, maternal side to our bear, Baro brings out his hidden Usher. It is more of a brotherhood dynamic, with less cute skinship and more of the sibling roughness (not necessarily physical roughness) many of us can relate to.

(this & following gif mine)

Compared to the other two, I don’t think Sandeul was quite as dependent on CNU to steer him. Despite the quirky, loud duck we tend to see on programs, Sandeul has always seemed to have a pretty good head on his shoulders. What Sandeul does bring out in CNU, however, is his own inner child and playfulness. There’s a comfort to their relationship, that was always apparent from day one. I’d think a lot of people would argue, just by glancing at the dynamics of the group over the years, that CNU and Sandeul are the closest (and looks like I still stand by this!). And while I’m not sure if that’s true necessarily, they definitely are physically the closest, with CNU having an ease with touching and playing around with him. A lot of times, I think CNU relies on physically teasing Sandeul to help ease any tension he may be feeling, or to try and generate a laugh. They play off each other quite well. And while there may be a few moments where I’m even internally screaming for CNU to leave our poor duck alone for 10 minutes, Sandeul never seems to mind, and I think this is because he knows CNU’s motives aren’t tainted. Once and a while, Sandeul even gets the chance to get his small revenges on CNU. (and I live for those moments. Especially when he gets back at Baro too.)

Too cute. Like I had mentioned, despite CNU’s nagging and occasional torments, their relationship is extremely close, because CNU respects Sandeul for the large and important role that he plays in the group. He is the main vocal, and when it comes to his singing, CNU is always one to compliment Sandeul, mentioning how cool he appears singing. CNU went to Sandeul for advice when it was his turn to take a stab at musicals, knowing that Sandeul has had more experience than he has. It is this yin and yang, the lighted hearted jokes with the deep mutual respect, that really allows CNU and Sandeul to be so close to each other.

Ah, down to the final member. Jinyoung and CNU, my otp *screams ‘shinyoung' from the rooftops* And of course, since they’re my otp, the laws of the universe say that they must interact the least with each other compared to all the other members. But, that doesn’t mean they aren’t close. Pre-debut, I think CNU and Jinyoung spent the most amount of time together out of all the members. Being the same age, it was natural for them to become close. Once they graduated from high school, they even went to Japan together, a trip with just the two of them. From their first impressions of one another, they began to rely on each other a lot. With Jinyoung taking the more ‘father’ role of the group and cnu falling into place as the ‘mom’, it was just natural for them to develop an easy way of communication as the ‘parents’ that didn’t need to involve the bold displays of affection like that seen with CNU and the younger members. The members themselves know of the lack of physical affection between the two eldest, and much of the skinship/moments we do see with them is generally due to the younger three initiating it or ganging up on the two grandpas, leading to wonderfully cute, awkward moments. (It seems the others are just as big of Shinyoung supporters as I am! lol) The Nico Nico Japan program also seems to feed off of forcing the duo into great situations as well. The moments shared between the two when not harassed by the members are generally much simpler, but endearing all the same. I think there’s a slight trepidation to show how much fun they do have together, but they provide some of the funniest moments that bipo as to offer. There’s a humor between the two, that unfortunately seems to get overshadowed by the louder pairs. But there’s also a tenderness to it as well— CNU isn’t afraid to cling onto Jinyoung during times of weakness, and Jinyoung isn’t afraid to lose it with his crush-like giggles over the stupid things CNU jokes about, or have CNU help him when he gets lost. (honestly though, half the time it isn’t even remotely funny but hey, CNU has seemed to found Jinyoung’s sense of humor) Bottom line is that the Shinyoung relationship is one built on an extreme amount of respect, and even a slight dependence, on one another. It is understated, but complex, seen only truly in the small shared moments versus the forced comicalness.

(cr: leidycc)

(cr: orange-sandeul)

I think this video below from CNU’s first birthday after their debut provides a cute summary of what I mentioned above. I think each of the relationships shine, in their own way as they each wish CNU happy birthday.

youtube

This last point was the most difficult, and took me the longest to write. How can I begin to explain what I really love about CNU? That every little component that makes him up, I find to be so perfectly wonderful? I admit that I’m being quite sappy, but for the most part, it is true. Going back to what I first said at the beginning of this post, my first impression of CNU and the rest of the boys was that they just seemed like goofy, happy guys around the same age as me, dressed in silly outfits. They radiated positivity and a genuine warmth that immediately got me hooked. With CNU, he was very quiet for the most part during those early years. In reality, he’s still not a talker now, but in comparison he was really quiet back then lol. I think what stood out to me was that he always seemed to be both a step behind, and a step ahead, but never fully immersed in the present. What I mean is, he always seemed to be thinking of what was just said, turning it over in his mind, while thinking of how to react with what was said or done. And by the time he thought of what he considered the appropriate reaction, the moment would have passed anyway. Not only mentally, but for physical reactions as well, he is always thinking about the action fully before planning his own move. It wasn’t before long that the joke came about of him being slow, like a bear. And while the members themselves have admitted from time to time that in actuality, CNU can be quite fast if he needs to, I think it stems from all this internal thinking and contemplation constantly going through his mind. His outward appearance may look and be slow, but internally, I think his mind is constantly churning ideas. Specifically, what drew me in, is that I can relate to this very much myself. Now, I’m not physically slow like CNU may be half the time, but mentally, I do find myself going over what people say, thinking why they may have said it, what motivations they may have (not necessarily bad motivations either— this could be with my family and friends too, much like CNU with his members). But, for the most part, I used to do this when I would find myself being unsure, or in uncertain situations where I would feel a little uncomfortable. This got me to thinking, is that why CNU is like this? And in my opinion, I would say yes. In the beginning, I think CNU was very unsure of himself. Unsure of how he should act, unsure of how he should react, unsure of how he looked, unsure of what others thought of him, unsure if he was even cut out to be an idol. So I think relating to him in this way made him seem so human to me. I feel like when idols first debut they always seem to cute and shiny and new. But having an idol like him that I could see some doubts with, I was just stunned. He’s a very internal person, and I think he was so shy early on, like with doing aegyo, or telling the fans he loved them, because it was something out of his comfort zone, and because of that, he had a fear of messing up. And if he messed up, he was in turn afraid it would get negative reactions out of watchers or even fans. I had already mentioned how much CNU cares about his fans, but bringing it back to him personally, I think there’s one incident that really sums all this up. Basically, he forgot a fan’s letter in the dressing room, and later, someone discovered that it was thrown in the trash (probably by a janitor or other staff). But in his long winded apology he goes on about even mentioned that he knows this fan because of the type of paper design they use, shows not only his care, but also this fear I had mentioned that people might judge him, especially over an accident that was not his fault. Again, this is something I can relate to, as I’m sure many of us can. We want people to like us, but the fact that it’s really out of our control is scary. We can try as hard as we can, but with one wrong move (especially in the idol business) it can all go out the window. Another moment demonstrating this mentality of his was when B1A4 finally (finally!!) had their first win with What’s Happening.

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(Ahh I still get goosebumps watching it!!) But really, look at his reaction. All of them I think had the thought of ‘Yes! We Made It!’ Gongchan’s getting emotional, Sandeul’s hiding in the back, Baro starts to cry and the end, Jinyoung’s barely holding it together… but CNU is literally sobbing, breaking down, on stage. This is one of the first times he can’t control what everyone sees, and it’s ironic because the main reason he is breaking down is because he’s probably thinking that yes, after all this time, they do like us, they do accept me. After so many years of being unsure of himself, and being our introspective bear, thinking too much about how he should act, here’s a moment when he finally lets it go. It’s been so great seeing him grow, and in a sense, mature, out of this state. With their last comeback (last comeback means ‘Sweet Girl’ based upon when I initially wrote this), he let his emotions flow freely; Going to their most recent Private Life ep, we can see him being silly and doing crazy dances with Jinyoung, singing the ‘Pick Me’ song. (I had linked it above in the Jinyoung section lol). I think a lot of Banas who have been following bipo for some time would agree with me that, what we saw in that video, would never have happened with debut—2013 CNU. Sure, he did silly things and had cute moments, but it was generally with the members always there, especially Sandeul or Baro, acting as his barrier or cushion. But that’s an example of him just letting go. It’s funny, because over the years as he became more comfortable with himself, I did too; so we grew together in that sense.

CNU has mentioned mutliple times that being a singer, being able to perform on stage, was a dream of his. His mother being a singer (as far as we know, actually compared to the rest of the members I feel like we know very little about his family), and even being in a band with his friends in high school, it was clear this was a passion of his. He didn't let prior failed auditions stop him, as he continued to perform on stage. And by a stroke of luck, a WM rep fell in love with the aura and smile that CNU gave off, and smartly recruited him. (Thank goodness! lol) He started with small steps, focusing on being the ‘best dancer’ of the group, kind of being the jack of all trades. Not as good as Sandeul in singing, not as good as Baro in rapping, but adequate enough to fill either role when needed. He started helping writing lyrics, like working with Baro on their early title track ‘Beautiful Target’, before eventually composing his own hella smooth jams (with some questionable lyrics 😏). He has improved so much, but the great thing is that he wants to continue to improve. He was one of the first in the group to get an acting job, but was smart and knew at the time that it probably wasn’t the right move for him— he wasn’t ready, or skilled enough. But now, he’s out starring in musicals. It was confirmed last Fall (fall of 2015) that he was suffering with a knee injury, but was postponing any treatment because he wanted to stick through their promotions, to finish on stage with his members and fans. However, he has suffered with knee problems for quite some time (It might be a good idea to warn people about the video I’m about to link —> x <— it may make some uncomfortable to watch if you don’t like seeing people in discomfort). But the point is, he persevered through it all; through the chronic pain, through the tryouts and auditions, through the years as rookies, until being able to stand on stage, with his members or on his own, singing and dancing to songs he composed and wrote. I really admire this kind of tenacity in him.

This last paragraph (haha yes, we’re almost done!!) is going to be more of a list almost, random things that I’m going to type as they come to me, that I think adds to his character, and why I love him. I previously called him an introspective bear, and I think that first word is a really good descriptor of him. (well both of them are really, he's always been the bear!) Going through and listing the synonyms for that word, they all fall into place to describe him: introvert, self-analyzing, thoughtful, meditative, all words that fit him. He’s a nurturer: he takes care of the members, making sure to do something as simple as checking to make sure all the lights were turned off and being the last one to do a quick check that no one forgot anything when they still lived together. He gets comfort from physical contact with the members, and gets sad when he wakes up to find they left to go eat without him. He was so protective of baby Eunsol and Hyunwoo on Hello Baby, demonstrating his patience and care.

(gifs not mine)

It was also on another reality show, Sesame Player (which IMO is still the top reality they’ve had) that the infamous (or at least in the Bana fandom) cupcake incident occurred. It’s mostly a funny moment, but basically cnu bakes a half plain, half chocolate cupcake representing the unity of North and South Korea. Like I said, it’s a little silly, but when you think about it, what 21 year old actually thinks of something that deep when making cupcakes? Our introspective bear, of course! It’s these little glimpses to me that are most prominent; but rarely are they specifically about him. I had mentioned earlier that we know very little about CNU’s family; and in one of the most raw, personal stories that we ever heard from him, he opened up and talked about his father’s alcoholism, and the effects it had on him and his sister growing up. All in all, he was still fairy tight-lipped about this, so we don’t know what happened for sure except for what he’s actually told us. But, I just get the feeling that CNU didn’t have all of the… ‘resources’ growing up (I’m sorry I can’t think of the right word there 😣 hopefully what I’m saying makes sense) compared to say, Jinyoung for example. And the fact that he grew into such a warm, thoughtful and caring young man, makes me wonder if he’s trying to make up for what he *maybe* lacked; but it’s also so telling of the wonderful person he is through and through. On the other hand though, he obviously loves his mother very much, as he always mentions his ideal type would be someone caring like his mother. And again, maybe this want for a more motherly, caring gf tells us something as well. Either way, I think CNU is in a great place now, surrounded by his friends and the people he cares most about. He’s doing what he loves, and he knows he has the fans love and support which in the end, is what he thrives on, what keeps him going. I’m very proud of him.

As I conclude this… “gospel of CNU” lol, there’s just a few more remarks I want to make. First, I want to apologize, because although I would normally consider myself a fairly decent writer, this was a lot more difficult that I expected. I feel like I’m a little all over the place; and although it’s easy in my mind to think of why I love CNU, it’s much more complex to actually choose the right words. Second, I’m sorry how long it took! Once I started writing it though, I just couldn’t stop adding more. In a way, I’m very happy I wrote all of this though… being a fan of the boys, with CNU as my bias, for so long, I felt like it was necessary and deserving to write something like this for him. I may rely too much on my opinions at times, or an almost ‘meta’ analysis, but I hope my points come across well. My hope is that some random person will read this, and maybe turn them into a fan of CNU, and B1A4. All five boys are so deserving of all the happiness and good fortune they can get; I love them all.

And lastly, I just want to say thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this to the end. I, (and I’m sure CNU!) appreciate it~!!

#b1a4 #cnu #jinyoung #sandeul #baro #gongchan #cnu megapost #mine #ot5 #text #rant #shinyoung #shindeul #2woo #shinchan #mine:edit

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