#she has emotions just like anyone else and being viewed as though she doesn’t is incredibly alienating and reinforces her isolation

[makotonaegiunderstander]

do you ever go do autism crazy for something you can feel it in ur chest. like it’s hard to breathe almost it’s making you gasp for breath and jump around physically. got an adrenaline rush thinking abt Kirigiri.

#GODDDDD. I LOVE HER SM AUTISM WOMAN. #I go insane thinking abt her and her life and how she develops in THH and past it #and how Makoto and her literally bring out the best AND worst in each other #and her narrative parallels w Byakuya. the way they’re so similar that they’re hypocrites for disliking each other #at first and then the way they’re indispensable in that they’re they only other one that Understands why they’re like that #I cannot word my thoughts for her nearly as coherently unfortunately so no paragraphs tonight. I’m just going to start growling like a dog #the way she fucking commands so much respect and control and how strong she is #and the fact that she is constantly reinforcing that strength by shoring up any weakness or vulnerability with terrifying effectiveness #that leaves her invulnerable but completely alone. and for a long time that seemed like a good thing #and she may even believe it is #but you hear the way she talks about her father and you realize she’s HUMAN. she doesn’t want to be an island all the time. #she has emotions just like anyone else and being viewed as though she doesn’t is incredibly alienating and reinforces her isolation #if she really didn’t care she wouldn’t still be mad that her father left her alone. it wouldn’t still pick at her the way it does #it wouldn’t drive her to abandon the entire purpose of her family by revealing herself as the Ultimate Detective in order to get to him #and then there’s Makoto and Byakuya challenging those aspects of her all over again #Byakuya sees the worst of her. he believes what she puts forth as herself and sees that ruthless cold efficiency #and he isn’t wrong to believe those things. as much as she wears a mask it isn’t fake that she has those qualities #but then comes Makoto who doesn’t see through her mask either but chooses to believe she must be human somewhere even if he’s not sure #he continues to trust her with absolutely no reason to and it feeds into her own ruthless efficiency by making him her Guinea out of sorts #but it also means there’s someone on the shoreline of her island. they want to come in. Will she let them? #that island is painful but not more painful than being vulnerable. #hhhh #I’m crazy

[shitgoblindingleberry]

OKAY CAUSE LISTEN. (till character analysis let’s go) (apologies in advance this is LONGG)

if till is actually in love with mizi then there is literally no outcome in which him and ivan are happy.

because 1) he’ll never love ivan as long as mizi is alive, and 2) even if he thinks mizi is dead, ivan will only ever be a rebound, the second choice he turned to when mizi wasn’t an option.

however, i would like for you to consider that maybe, instead, the problem is that till doesn’t know how to properly process or identify his feelings. i would like to propose that maybe he misinterpreted his feelings for mizi as love when in actuality he views her as some unattainable idol to covet but not actually connect with (like parasocial relationships).

meanwhile, ivan was always there for him and slowly became a support system till didn’t even know he had. because even if he didnt feel LOVE for ivan, they definitely had a REAL relationship—arguably more real than anything he ever had with mizi. all of their interactions are just like. much more RAW than anything till ever had with mizi if that makes sense. because all we’ve ever seen him doing with her is admiring from afar and sacrificing things for her in secret that she never asked for, nor wanted from him. while with ivan they actually hung out with absolutely no expectations of anything between them (on till’s side at least. it wasn’t a performative relationship to be this self sacrificing person for ivan like it would’ve been if he were talking to mizi. which is ironically a much more healthy basis for a relationship. to fully see the person as being equal to you without putting them on a pedestal)

i think till’s way of coping with everything was finding someone else outside himself to live for and idolize. his entire life was built around mizi, every choice he made committed with her in mind (like when he chose to stay in the garden rather than escaping for her sake). and once she’s ripped away, he’s left feeling empty and aimless—the center of his very world is no longer there.

HOWEVER.

this is shaken by ivan’s death. even though mizi was always his center, he can’t exactly not be affected by someone who’s been at his side for YEARS. and, unlike with mizi, their bond was definitely real and very much tangible for BOTH sides (despite meaning different things for each of them). but when ivan died FOR him, till felt something that was very real and very confusing which was very much a mixture of raw emotions he wasn't prepared to face feeling from anyone apart from mizi. because while mizi is his ideal, i think his feelings about her were always accompanied by a sense of disconnect because they didnt have any actual basis for this bond beyond till simply yearning for her. but with ivan. they were friends. they trusted each other by this point, and ivan has shown that he cares for till REPEATEDLY throughout them knowing each other. and.

i think till subconsciously acknowledged that ivan was important to him, even if just as a background support in his life. someone he hung out with without thinking about it too much. and i think that sense of care came very gradually too. because ivan is a weird mf but he still managed to worm his way into till’s world, and now he’s a staple there, even if till himself isn’t aware of that.

mainly just my vibe here is that his feelings surrounding ivan are very messy and complicated (as real life emotions tend to be) and that wasn’t what till was looking for when he was younger. he needed something stable, something he could look at and idolize from afar. something he could dedicate his messed up life to without having to worry about other complicated feelings. and that was what mizi was to him. a purpose to live that was unchanging because no matter what till himself did or what happened to him, it didn’t affect HER. and that was comforting. but ivan existed outside of his little ideal. and he was a real person who (unfortunately :/ ) made till feel real things that were outside of his control. which wasnt what he needed when he was younger—he needed stability. but i think in the end he had the most chance of an actual developed, healthy, and consistent relationship with ivan.

that is, if bro wasnt dead 🙏🙏🕊🕊

#rip ivan you would have (you always have) loved till #character analysis but it’s actually just me projecting #alien stage #alien stage till #till alien stage #alnst till #alnst #i have a chronic case of not being able to stfu once i like a character #if you managed to make it this far thank you ily #alnst spoilers

[ethanmorales]

Train Wreck [Ethan Morales Short Fanfic]

Masterlist

Part Two - Crazy

Pairing: Ethan Morales x fem reader 2.1k words Warning: swearing Requested: Based on Ariana Grande's song "Boyfriend." / Friends to lovers.

Ethan’s POV

I adjusted the collar of my unbuttoned shirt for the third time as I waited for Y/N to answer the door. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other impatiently. What’s taking her so long? I pulled my phone out to call her when I finally hear the door being unlocked. My heart rate speeds up as she comes into view. I’m overcome with emotion. The emotion that I’m always trying to swallow down when she’s in front of me, though right now, it is intensified and threatens to take over. She was wearing a short white dress that hugged her torso but flared out and swayed at her hips when she walked. Her lips are plump and tinted in a soft natural color. Her hair fell in waves over her shoulders. She was so beautiful it made it hard to breathe sometimes.

“Sorry I took so long. I meant to call you earlier.” She greets me like she’s not about to give me a heart attack. I pull the emotion inside me back and respond casually.

“Call me about what?” I ask, trying very hard to focus on her words and not how badly I want to kiss those lips.  

Her expression looks apologetical. I frown at this.

“Hey, Y/N.”

I turn around at the new voice.

Our neighbor, Diego, walks up the pathway to us. I stared, confused.

“What’s up, man?” He greets me. Slowly, I bump my fist with his. He looks over my shoulder to YN. My stomach sinks.

“Damn, you look amazing.” He tells her. I look back at her just in time to see a blush creeping onto her cheeks. The sight makes me feel sick.

“What’s going on?” I finally ask. She smiles gently.

“I asked Diego to the party,” she begins, and I try very hard not to react as she continues, “I know you’re meeting with Maia. I figured I should save you the trouble of having to look after me all night.”

I wanted to yell. I wanted to argue. How could she ever think that she’s any trouble to me? How could she think I want to be around anyone more than I want to be around her? I wanted to tell her that I changed into like 10 different outfits thinking about all the times she complimented my style and what she seemed to like. That I was wearing her favorite cologne, the one she got me for my birthday last year. But I said nothing of the sort. Instead, I smiled.

“Cool. I’ll leave you in good hands then.”

She smiles back at me, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I swallow the need to ask her what’s wrong. It seems she has someone else to ask her those things tonight. I turn to Diego.

“Keep your hands to yourself.” I say quietly close to his ear as I pat his shoulder.

He quirks an eyebrow at me in question, but I say nothing else as I walk away from them, towards my car. I try not to let the anxiety building up in my chest crush me under its weight as I watch them walking down the gravel pathway together, arms linked. I take off.

Y/N POV

I didn’t want to go to the party with Diego. I wanted to go with Ethan. But he was currently into Maia and she would be waiting for him as soon as we arrived. So, for once, I decided not to be a masochist who just swallows the pain of arriving with him just to be left alone in a place where I wasn’t comfortable with anyone else. Inviting Diego was a last-minute decision and was so grateful that he said yes.

We weren’t close, but we’ve had a few nice conversations since he moved next door 6 months ago. I figured this was the least heartbreaking option. Plus, he was too  attractive to ignore the fact.  

“Ready to go, chica?” He offers me his arm. I link mine around his and we start walking. As I take note of the sexy accent, not for the first time, I’m vaguely aware that I must have a type.  

“All black is a good look on you.” I say, noticing the black jeans and the black shirt that’s unbuttoned enough to expose part of his chest. He smiles and looks at me.

“And you look killer in all white.”

I can’t help smiling back. “Thanks.”

We’re in the middle of light conversation about school and the upcoming holidays before he randomly changes the topic.

“So, you and Ethan…” he trails off in a question.

“What about us?”

Diego smiles. “What’s the story? You guys dated before or?”

I shake my head furiously. “No. Not at all. We’ve known each other since we were in diapers. Our moms have been best friends since high school so naturally, we are as well.” I try to keep any kind of emotion out of my voice, but I heard the higher pitch as I spoke. I crossed my fingers that he didn’t hear it too.

“Gotcha. I just… I got a vibe from him earlier, so I thought there was something there.”

I laugh though it’s not funny. “A vibe? from Ethan? Nah, he’s just overprotective. I’m like a little sister to him. Plus, he’s not used to me going out with guys. He usually drags me to places with him. He was probably thrown off.”

Diego chuckles. “Yeah… you’re probably right. That’s cool that you guys have been friends for that long. I don’t know that I could do it.”

I look at him and he meets my gaze with a smile.

“Careful, it almost sounds like you’re flirting,” I tease.

He looks back at the road, but I see him bite his lip before he responds. “I am flirting.”

I feel myself blushing again. “Oh… good to know.” I don’t know what else to say. Yes, he was hot. But he wasn’t Ethan. The thought came to me quickly, but it still made me feel guilty. I pushed it aside and decided to give Diego a chance to woo me tonight. It was time I stopped hoping for the impossible. Ethan would never see me that way. The quicker I moved on, the more pain I could save myself from.

Ethan’s POV

The party was at full force as I walked through the opened door frame. There are people in small groups all around, red cups in their hands. A ping pong table has been set in the middle of the living room and it’s already surrounded by a crowd waiting for their turn to chug cheap beer and get buzzed on attention. I walk past this scene and find the kitchen. My buddy Adrian is there, a cup in his hand. “What’s this?” I ask, but I start downing the contents before he has a chance to reply. The liquid burns down my throat but I still don’t stop.

“It’s vodka.” I heard him say.  “You good bro?”

I don’t answer him until I’ve finished what’s in the cup and hand back to him with a smile.

“I’m great! Let’s get this party started!”

I feel arms wrap around my stomach from behind. I freeze for a second. “Finally! I’ve been waiting for you.” Maia. My heart sinks at the realization.

I don’t let that thought form. Instead, I turn around to face her ready to greet her with a kiss. Before I get to do that though, I see Y/N and Diego walking in. He smiles at her and takes her hand. It takes about two seconds of him scanning the room before his gaze lands on me. He smiles wider and winks. Someone is moving next to me, cup in hand. I take it from them, ignoring the protest before I down it too. Beer this time.

“You okay?” This time it’s Maia asking. I wish everyone would stop asking me the same goddamn question. But instead of snapping, I smile down at her before kissing her hard. It was almost like I was taking out my anger out on her. She didn’t seem to mind though. She kissed me back just as fervently. I pulled back and glance at Y/N and found her watching me. Her eyes were sad and something in me hurt at the sight. Before I knew what I was doing, I started walking to her. Diego stepped slightly in front of me as I got to them.

“Having fun already, huh?”

My eyes were on Y/N and the shimmer on them. But I forced myself to peel my gaze away to look at Diego.

“I’m always having fun,” I respond. “Shouldn’t you be getting your date a drink?”

He studies me briefly before looking back at Y/N. “Want a beer?”

“She doesn’t drink.” I say smugly.

Y/N give me a pointed look before she replies to him. “I’ll try one.”

“Great” Diego’s smug expression deepens as he pushes past me, bumping into me as he does. It takes all of me not to pull him back and plant my fist into his stupid smiling face.

“It’s a party. I can drink if I want to.” Y/N says as a response to the look in my face.

“The hell you’re going to drink while you’re with him.” I snap.

I feel a hand on my arm. “What’s going on, Ethan?”

“Not now, Maia.” I pulled away from her touch and grabbed Y/N’s arm, dragging her behind me.

Y/N protests the entire way until I find a big tree in the backyard. I pull her around it, letting the huge trunk shield us from any curious eyes.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Her face is flushed red with anger. She looks so goddamn beautiful like that.

“Fuck.” Before I know what I’m doing, I’m pushing her against the tree. Her eyes widen in surprise, but before she can question me, I grab her face and kiss her. I’m so angry that I think I’m going to kiss her so hard she’ll break, but I am briefly amazed by the fact that she’s kissing me back, with the same amount of passion. I’m fueled by that reaction and deepen the kiss, my hands travel down her arms and move to the small of her back, pushing her closer into me. Her hands tangled in my hair, and I couldn’t stop from moaning in her mouth. I pull back, but stay close enough to breathe each other’s air, our mouths centimeters away.

“Ethan.” Her voice was breathless. I smirk, satisfied.

I kiss her deeply once more then pulled away again.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve spent waiting for the right time to make my move, keeping track of every little interaction until I was mostly sure that you were feeling the same way about me. Earlier today, I could have sworn you were jealous. I thought the time finally had come. Then Diego shows up.” I stopped, overcome with that emotion again, the one that made me feel like I was drowning. Y/N’s eyes are surprised but her hand on my cheek helps me continue.

“I am so in love with you.”

She’s quiet, studying me carefully, trying to see if I was telling the truth. She knew me better than anyone, so she would know if I’m lying.

“What about Maia?” she finally asks.

“A distraction. All those girls have been distractions. The only way I could deal with not being with you. I needed to make sure. I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship if you didn’t feel the same.”  

“You need to tell her.” Is all she says.

“We’re not dating?”

“But-”

“I promise you. She knows how I feel about you. I have been honest with all of them. They’ve all been involved with me knowing I’m in love with you.”

“That’s crazy,” she whispers. “For how long?”

“How long what?” I ask.

“How long have you had these feelings?”

“3 years.” I’m a little embarrassed to admit this. She shakes her head and finally smiles.

“4 years for me.” She states. “Who is the bigger fool?”

I smile like an idiot.

“Seriously?” she nods at my question. I sigh with relief. “I can’t believe we’ve wasted years.”

She shrugs. “We didn’t know. We were scared.”

“Guess we have a lot of time to make up for.”

“Mhm.” This time she pulls me in for the kiss and I follow her lead. She pulls back quickly.

“Oh God, Diego.” She’s horrified, realizing she had forgotten about him.

I smile wide, “Fuck him.” I kiss her in such a way that there’s no way she’ll even remember his name.

The End.

___________________________________

A/N: Thanks for reading. Hopefully you enjoyed it! :)

Stay awesome xx

P.S. Diego Tinoco from On the Block as Diego.

#ethan morales #ethan morales fanfic #ethan morales x reader #never have i ever #never have i ever season 4 #ben gross #devi vishwakumar #michael cimino #nhie #nhie s4

[syllvane]

beautiful as the view from a sinking ship- jesper fahey x reader

a/n: people will watch la la land (2016) instead of go to therapy. it’s me i’m people. angst

“I’m surprised you’re here.” Inej said, appearing out of thin air.

You scoffed slightly, grabbing your drink before turning to look at Inej.

“I’m still a Crow, am I not? Just because me and Jes broke up, doesn’t mean I forfeit my place here.”

The nickname sat in the silence between the two of you and you looked away from her.

Inej didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, watching you down the shot of hard liquor.

“I know, I just… you’ve been keeping odd hours. You’ve stopped coming around the Slat.”

You signaled the bartender for another round.

You looked at her and, despite the copious amount of alcohol you had consumed, your eyes were clear and bright.

“I’ve been trying to avoid him, if that wasn’t obvious.”

“I know. But by avoiding him, you’ve been avoiding everyone else.”

“Then tell him he needs to take a shift or two of the odd hours so that I can come around.” You snapped, though any anger faded from your voice immediately. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped.”

“What happened between the two of you?”

You sighed.

“It’s not worth talking about.”

“But it was worth breaking up over?”

You looked at her again. This time she could see it more clearly, how tired you were.

Inej took a seat next to you, taking the glass of alcohol that was on the counter in front of you.

“This city will kill anyone who stays here long enough. Every day is another fight, and I just want to rest.” You said softly. “Jesper will stay here until Kaz tells him otherwise.”

“Why haven’t you left then?” She asked, the answer written all over your face.

You looked at the alcohol before looking back at her and shaking your head.

“I don’t know. It’s be easier if I could.”

You left some kruge on the bar top before standing up, stumbling slightly before catching yourself and walking home.

Inej followed you in the shadows, making sure that you got home safely before heading back to the Slat, your words ringing in her ears.

“We need your help.” 

Bitterness rose up out of nowhere at the sound of Kaz’s voice- it hadn’t always been this way. You once cared about him almost as much as Jesper and Inej.

“There are other Inferni in this city, you know.”

“Yes. Probably ones who don’t smell like alcohol as well, but none that I trust as much as you.”

“Ha.” You deadpanned, turning around to face him.

He took one quick glance at you before looking around the warehouse you had been squatting in.

“This is the last thing I’ll ever ask of you, since you no longer seem interested in being a Crow.”

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to.” He shot back quickly, tapping his cane absentmindedly. “We’re meeting tonight. You know where to find us.”

“I’ll come with you. Just give me a couple minutes to get ready.”

“Fine.” He said, turning away and looking towards the entrance that he had came through. “You broke his heart, you know. Breaking up with him.”

You gathered your gun and your knives, his words cutting into your skin.

“It broke my heart as well, if that makes you feel any better.”

“It doesn’t, believe it or not.” He said, getting awfully close to expressing a human emotion. “Remind me to never fall in love with anyone.”

You scoffed, involuntarily thinking of Inej.

“What?” He asked and even without looking at him, you could tell that his eyes had narrowed.

You shook your head.

“Nothing. From my experience, you didn’t get to choose that kind of thing.”

The rest of the way, the two of you walked in silence. 

Your heart thumped in your chest as you stood in front of the Slat, dreading the prospect of seeing Jesper again.

He did his best not to look at you as you walked into the Slat, the other Crows giving you a warm, if not slightly awkward, welcome.

It’s a straightforward enough plan- infiltrate the party to gain access to the safe, use your powers to get into the safe, leave with the documents.

It’s simple enough, except it all goes to shit, because of course it does.

The actual safe-breaking is the easiest part of the gig- you’re all outside when the guards show up and start shooting without asking questions, leading to a gunfight, with pairs of Crows isolated from another.

It all feels like it happens in slow motion: someone fires a gun, Jesper is facing the other way, oblivious that a bullet is about to find purchase in his chest.

Your feet move faster than your mind does and you bodied him, the two of you falling onto the ground.

You looked at him.

His eyes, his beautiful eyes were wide with surprise and confusion, his eyebrows scrunched together, bracing the impact of the tackle.

“What do you think you’re-” He started, his tone indignant before his eyes were drawn to the red stain blossoming on your chest. “What did… what did you do? Nina!”

His voice came out as more of a scream and he maneuvered you gently so that you were laying on the cobblestone ground.

Your training in the Second Army, a distant memory from your childhood, might have prepared you for what getting shot feels like if you had stayed longer.

Or maybe not- maybe it would have always hurt this much.

Jesper put his hand on your cheek, forcing you to look at him, his skin cool against yours.

“Hey, hey. Look at me. Don’t close your eyes. Just keep looking at me.”

He’s pretty when he’s fawning over you and you listen to him, look at him, your eyes locking on his.

In his eyes, you see a future.

You see yourself recovering from this, the two of you getting back together, any distance that was in between the two of you made small in the shadow of death.

You see the two of you taking trips out to the countryside, the two of you holding hands, every second the two of you spend together a promise.

It’s all so distant now, tomorrow creeping farther and farther away from your grasp

You lifted your arm, your strength fading from you fast. Your hand settled on his face, cupping his cheek and wiping away a tear that had formed.

You have so much to say still- so many apologies and I love you’s and conversations- you don’t have enough time.

“I’d do it again.” You settle for, trying to assuage the notions of guilt already forming in his head. 

His face crumples and Nina rushes over, finally, but there is nothing to be done. 

She is not a healer and you are dying.

“Nina, you have to do something. Nina, you have to fix it, please.”

Your hand falls from his face and he grabs it, holding it tightly. 

Your hands are cold.

“I love you, Jes.” You say, his name an exhalation of air.

“I love you too. Don’t go.” He begs.

Only Nina hears.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone x reader #six of crows imagines #six of crows imagine #six of crows #jesper fahey #jesper fahey x reader #jesper fahey imagine #jesper fahey x you #six of crows x reader #grishaverse #grishaverse x reader

[espresseo-cafe]

life is still beautiful | johnny | ch.7

genre: cappucino, romance, angst, university!au, dad!au, drama, slice of life

pairing: collegestudent!johnny x fem!reader

bean count: 5.4k+

warnings: mentions of bullying, anxiety breakdown, health issues

a/n: last update before i go on a short hiatus for the winter break! will be back in january 💚 enjoy your coffee this holiday my beans! note: this is only a work of fiction, it doesn’t reflect the artists’ personalities in any way.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

hugging her books, yeri plucked up the courage to walk around the campus. despite the rising fear she had in her chest, she had to get to class earlier than anyone else. the wandering eyes she got from just her presence made her feel helpless.

she knew she was stronger than that. she had to stand her ground on her own. being the eldest of four girls, she had to hold herself together in ways of emotions, mental state, and heck, even physically. however, one could only manage one thing at a time.

the tote bag got creases from her grip, she inhaled and exhaled. mentally telling herself ‘fighting’, she made her way to the hallways.

“ugh she’s here again.”

“i know right? it’s crazy.”

“that first year? i heard she’s really close with the seniors.”

“gross, she thinks she’s ‘all that’.”

“cringe.”

yeri wanted to cry, what did she do to deserve all this? she could feel her mouth quivering, making her footsteps speed up. with all the thoughts and negativity building up in her head, an image of you flashed all so suddenly.

she remembered how you consoled her, how you gave her advise to stand strong even if she felt like breaking down. and felt ashamed to not have done the same when you dealt with much harder things.

she still ran though, but became stronger and a small smile appeared in her face then..

she found herself bumping into someone.

“ow- watch where you’re going.” she groaned, rubbing the sides of her body.

“huh, you were the one so busy running-“ a guy raised his voice, his friends seconding his statement. “ah it’s you. the attention seeker.”

yeri froze, not this again.

“you can just stay there, it suits you.” another girl named jennifer giggled then pushing her to the ground, “got all the dirt as your makeup.”

mark witnessed this on the way to the lecture hall for his class. he flinched seeing yeri’s skirt slightly higher than it meant to be. he didn’t think twice and his instincts immediately took over him.

yeri saw this unfold in front of her, like a film, the red and blue cardigan slowly covered her legs. she blinked when mark sat down and blocked her view. her eyes trailed to the glasses he was wearing, his eyes unreadable. if she didn’t do that, she wouldn’t have realised she had tears rolling down her cheeks through the reflection.

the boy stared at her with clenched jaws before side eyeing the people behind who did this. he turned to her briefly and gave a handkerchief to wipe her tears, he whispered. “use this.” mark then stood up and dusted his jeans, placing his hands in the back pockets. “ah, you shouldn’t have done that.. jake. you got my jeans all dirty.”

jake raised a brow, his group of friends huddling up behind him, “you did that to yourself, helping this needy cheerleader.”

“i know, and that makes me a better person than you.” he said quite frankly and jake had a sour face on him; obviously pissed.

“by being an author? you had potential in basketball and yet you gave up your scholarship to become a freakin’ nerd! you’ve disrespected the whole team!” jake snapped, his ears becoming redder.

mark just chuckled, “disrespected? ha, this is why i left. jerks like you don’t deserve respect.”

mark approached yeri, holding her hand to help her stand and pull her away from the growing crowd around them and telling her that they should leave.

“you think you could get away just like that?!” jake called out, attempting to pull his shoulder while jennifer pulled yeri’s ponytail.

yeri let out a startled squeal and mark’s eyes widened, while he himself received a hard punch to the face, both of them falling to the ground. the others just laughed at the scenario and cheering them on.

“mark!” she shouted, her cheeks earning scratches from jennifer’s slaps, the wounds stung painfully as her tears made contact.

jake was actually enjoying this, continuing to punch the boy while the others kicked his body. he was about to give the hardest punch but his arm was yanked back. he looked behind, and his eyes widened when he realised who it was.

“j-johnny sunbae.”

johnny glared at him. holding jake’s arm, he lifted him up and shoved him to the ground in one go, instilling fear in the other students. “did you get the rest on camera?” johnny looked back at you, who was holding your phone that recorded everything, nodding in response before stopping.

“yup.” you popped your lips, placing your phone back in your pocket. “this will go well in your scholarship.. jake, was it?” you turned to other boys, “it’s going to be much worse for you lot as well.”

jake was struggling to stand up until his friends helped him. mark stood up in pain and yeri held his back and vice versa. johnny’s friends ran to the commotion and stood behind the two juniors.

johnny glared at jennifer when he noticed yeri’s face bleeding from her cheek. he treated yeri like a little sister, so seeing her hurt made him upset. he stomped to the hitter, “did you do that to yeri!?”

jennifer hitched a breath, her voice shaking, “i-i..”

“i said, did you hurt her!?” he shouted, his arm slammed the locker next to him in anger when you decided to barge in. you knew johnny had a temper, given his reaction from the motel reception. this could go worse.

“johnny.” you loudly called him, holding his forearm and the guy snapped out of it. “stop. don’t do that.”

johnny has a rush of guilt in him, “y/n, i-”

“let me do it.” you slapped her on the cheek, hard. “you must be jennifer. hi, i’m y/n.”

she held her face in pain, scoffing at the audacity. “you dare do that to me?!”

“i can do it again for free if you want.” you looked at your hand, “i’ll add fingernails for extra price.. oh wait, nevermind. you’re not that valuable.”

jennifer screeched in anger, “you b-”

you threatened her with a fake slap, it was enough to make her flinch. grabbing her sweater and pulling her close to you, you said in a cold voice, “you dare hurt yeri and her friend again, you’ll face being kicked out.” then facing to the group behind her, “your friends are at risk too.”

the younger one frowned, “you’re threatening me?!who are you to make a claim like that?!”

you smirked and bit your tongue, letting your grip loosen. “my bad, i forgot to introduce myself properly. my name’s y/fl/n, daughter of the y/l/n’s, board directors of the education bureau.”

the students started whispering to each other, even johnny and your friends had their mouths wide open in shock.

how ironic, i’m the estranged daughter. you told yourself.

the bullies went away and so did the other students, leaving you and your friends in the hallway. and you let out a soft, long sigh. your hands were shaking, spasming out of nervousness. it was the first time you announced that, the word daughter (of your parents) left a bitter taste in your tongue.

you felt dizzy that you lost a little balance but you didn’t want to worry the others. so you bit your lower lip to wake yourself up.

kun appeared in front of you with a smile on his face, “you’re the daughter of the board directors? you’re big time y/n!” he ruffled your hair then seeing your lips pale, “you okay?” you nodded, giving him a half smile and putting a finger to your lips keep it a secret. so he nodded, taking it as a sign that you didn’t want to bother the rest, “here, take my water bottle, it’s new.”

yeri wiped her tears and hugged you from the back. “thank you, y/n.” you patted her head and hugged her back when her mood suddenly changed, “something’s in my mind though..”

you looked in concern, holding your hands together, “what is it?”

she looked at everyone before turning on her sassy attitude, “why are you and big bro johnny wearing the same clothes?”

taeyong looked at johnny then to you and back again to his friend, “ah, she’s right.”

jungwoo squinted like he was figured something out, jumping after while pointing, “omg- its from a motel isn’t it?! you guys slept together??”

“johnny!” kun punched the tall guy, “have some dignity!”

“we didn’t sleep together!” you both said in unison, while your friends looked at each other in silence.

“i don’t believe them.”

“same.”

“yeah, or no same clothes.”

johnny sighed loudly, crossing his arms, “it’s a long story.. yoohyeon left for paris yesterday then we hung out at a nature reserve and bosco broke down and we got poured on so we went to a nearby motel to stay the night. and if you’re thinking otherwise, no we slept separately. i slept on the sofa and she slept on the bed.”

they looked back at each other and johnny hoped his friends got the message because he knew how hectic their minds could get. he stared at them while they stayed silent and analysed the situation once more.

“nah they probably did.”

“no doubt.”

“we felt the tension between them.”

johnny groaned and gave himself a facepalm, unbelievable. “i’m done here.” making you shake your head in agreement, then you stopped him.

“johnny.” he looked at you before stopping, “i’ve been thinking about it all night but after youngmin’s birthday, im going to go see my parents tomorrow. they managed to contact me even when i tried my best to cut off any connection.”

as if he knew this would happen, he smiled sadly and scratched the back of his head. “sorry, i gave them your number because they kept calling me in the middle of the night.. well i did give them my number back at the carnival, so it’s expected.”

you grumbled, feeling awful for him, “i should be sorry. i guess this is time for me to clear thing with them. i’ll leave at seven, just before the party finishes.”

he patted your shoulder, “yeah sure. will you be alright alone?”

you nodded, feeling slightly confident, “not really but i think i could manage. actually it feels like i’m going to the principal’s office like i did something bad.”

“but you didn’t do anything though?”

“i left home, not contacting them for three years. so yeah it’s definitely bad in their eyes.” you combed your hair back, “but it’s okay, i knew i’d face this sooner or later.”

——

seungcheol sat by the bleachers after football do-overs, wiping his sweat with the towel that his coach gave him. it had been days since he actually participated, so you could say he was still a bit off course with the drills, despite being the captain.

a bottle of water appeared in front of him, his doe eyes found the giver. he scoffed to himself, “and what are you doing, rowoon?”

the tall guy sat beside him, smiling cockily, “i saw johnny suh a week ago, hyung.”

“and what do you want me to do?” seungcheol spun the unopened bottle, not making eye contact with him. “don’t include me in your useless sidelines.”

“even if it includes the girl from that accident? heard he’s hanging out with her all the time.” rowoon grinned mischievously, now getting the older one’s attention. “and i know you got the hots for her.”

seungcheol rolled his eyes at the boy, then standing up to prepare for his leave, “rowoon, what do you really want from me?”

“police are apparently still looking into the investigation. i have the details and i need your help, whenever you’re free though.”

——

as johnny had hoped, youngmin’s birthday boasted the weather. it was a perfect morning, the bright sun was all out and he could smell the familiar scent he loved to wake up to every morning at his family home: bacons.

a shuffle next to him made turn to his side to face the newly awaken little human. youngmin was a happy baby and still is, and because of it johnny’s mornings were always on a positive note. “hey little buddy, good morning! who’s turning two today?”

the two year old gurgled and sat up with his fluffy bed hair, then climbing on johnny’s stomach. “na! (me)” while raising his arms up.

“good boy!” johnny sat up and gave youngmin’s sides a tickle before carrying him and going downstairs to where his mom was cooking breakfast. he kind of stopped in his tracks, seeing you beside her wearing an apron, helping to make breakfast and other foods for the party.

“good morning mom.” he said as he placed a kiss on her cheek, rubbing her back. he took a good look at you, who didn’t take notice of his presence as you had earphones on.

his mom gave a teasing grin, nudging her son. “aren’t you going to give her a kiss as well? i promise i won’t get jealous.”

johnny’s ears turned red and scoffed, “mom, stop.” but he smiled when he put youngmin down, the toddler running to hug your legs.

you gasped at the sudden contact, the knife cutting your finger, “ah.” bringing your finger to your mouth.

mrs. suh and johnny also flinched towards your reaction, johnny put his arm out halfway but hesitated. his mom looked at him, seeing her son’s reluctant self made her click her tongue, so she pushed him to you as she took youngmin to the living room. “stop being a coward. it’s not manly.”

johnny squinted his eyes at his mom, “she-”

“oh you’re here, johnny.” you took off your earbuds, finger still in your mouth.

“you okay?” he asked, his hand touched the back of his neck.

you made a disgusted face, the wound actually went deeper than you thought. “yeah. word of caution, blood and minced garlic do not go together. it’s gross and it stings.”

johnny laughed, walking closer to you. you stepped back a bit towards the kitchen counter, hand just holding the edge. he reached out for something from the cupboard above you. “i’ve tried that, worse taste ever.”

fetching a first kid kit to his hand, it nearly fell that he lost balance and held the counter. your hands brushing briefly next to each other and it gave you a cold chill down your arm and made johnny hold in a breath. your faces were an inch away from one another, pairs of eyes having a stare battle as if it were the only thing in the world consisted of.

the brown orbs that looked into yours was hypnotic that you could faint instantly. johnny on his sane self kept his gaze on you locked, like you were the missing key to his unopened soul. he knew you were pretty already, but this close of a distance had him changing his mind that you were so much more beautiful.

the weather was understandably warm, but what you didn’t understand was why your face was mirroring its temperature. you knew johnny had this effect on you but today was… different? you couldn’t explain why that you just kept quiet without saying a word.

“so are we just going to stare at each other the whole day or what?” johnny asked softly, then looking at your lips that were agape, looking away slowly as he brought the kit down. “because as a future doctor i need to tend to my patient.”

“then this doctor needs to take a sick leave because he’s distracted.” you sniffled, putting the knive away and washing your still bleeding finger.

“well that’s because i have a pretty patient.” he said out loud, then mentally screamed because he actually said it out loud.

he took your hand and disinfected it before putting a band-aid. you thanked him softly and continued to prepare for the party just after lunch. his group of friends came right in carrying balloons, cutleries, lootbags, and more food and drinks. he sighed briefly that no one saw that you and him had a face off, because if they did, he’d never hear the end of it.

youngmin’s birthday had more visitors than expected, johnny’s family home was filled noises that a party should have. he looked at the little boy, eating his cake that he smashed just a second ago, giggling through the cream that reached his cheeks.

though he looked at his son with pure love and heartfelt feelings, his gaze shifted from him to you, since you had mentioned that you were leaving early in the evening. he wanted to join you, having met your parents two months prior in an overwhelming atmosphere. however, he had extended family and friends under the same roof, so escaping was far from a good option.

from where he was sitting, he liked how you talked with his family but his heart ached a little knowing that was what you wanted. he felt a little nudge, from a friend he hadn’t seen since middle school. “yo johnny. that girl your new one, the one in beige?”

johnny wiped his mouth clean before answering, “w-what no.. she’s a friend.”

“you sure? if she’s your friend then you don’t mind me making a move on her? she’s seems alright.” he stood up and johnny’s instinct was to hold his friend’s arm, stopping him from making any more steps to you.

his friend took that as a sign that you weren’t just anybody someone could approach, and that spoke louder to him that johnny had his eyes on you first. the corners of his mouth rose a little, “on second thought, i’ll go get more food.”

with this much people in the suh’s home, you guessed that johnny’s family was somewhat prominent. by the looks of how johnny was raised and how people treated him, he was definitely respectable.

and just how he weirdly occupied your mind once again, you found yourself looking for him, just to be caught by johnny’s eyes himself. your eyes widened and checked the time, you had to leave soon. it was your parents’ anniversary and figured that you could patch it up with them. it had been three years, it was more than enough time to tell what you needed to.

johnny gestured for you two to talk a little at the porch. “are you sure you don’t need me to accompany you? i can step out for a bit.”

you slung your bag on your shoulder, “johnny, youngmin needs you here more. he’ll cry when he doesn’t see you.”

he combed his hair back, “actually i feel like the roles have reversed now, he’d cry when you aren’t around.”

“you’re kidding.” you chuckled.

“nope, and i have a video to prove it.” he shook

his new phone. you pushed him because he had been flexing his new gadget to his friends the whole day. he curled his tongue and smiled, taking something out of his pocket, “just.. take this. it’s a panic button, if anything happens.” he handed you the said item.

your heart pinched, not because of how attractive he was, but how attentive he was to your situation. “thank you, johnny.”

making your way down to the bus stop, you noticed he was still just a feet behind you to make sure you got on safe. he waved as you took your seat before the transport drove pass by him, and he might’ve just ticked the boxes you liked for a guy.

your phone buzzed, a notification from johnny popped up:

[ johnny ] : “you can do it, just remember to be strong. well; i know you are but i guessed you needed a booster 💪🏻”

[ you ] : “yeah, i’ll do my best. thank you.”

johnny went back to the party and accommodated the guests he didn’t get to entertain. he spotted his friends having fun with his nintendo switch while his parents were busy conversing with his aunts and uncles.

he helped himself to the kitchen, pouring a glass of water to rehydrate his drying throat. he loved the summer because of the heat, but nothing beats the feeling of cold liquid to soothe his body temperature. with the way he drank a third glass, he realised he hadn’t been drinking enough since lunch.

he sat on the counter, scrolling through his phone for the next hour or so. hearing goodbyes from several families as they took their leave, he waved at them. this continued until his friends were the only ones left behind, deciding last minute that they’d sleepover for the night. his parents agreeing since it was nearing the end of summer vacation and for their help in preparation of youngmin’s birthday.

one of the last families wanted to go karaoke and johnny’s parents joined them, saying that the night was far from over. his mom asking him to look after the house and make sure not to make a huge mess while they were gone.

johnny was relieved that everything was in place and how youngmin was still happy despite most of his playgroup friends had already left. he stretched his arms to carry the child, waving to his parents as they left.

“did you have fun today, youngmin-ah? happy birthday again you little rascal.” he lifted him higher, giving him raspberries blows on the child’s stomach. his happiness was cut short when he noticed his friends went unusually quiet.

he guided his eyes to where his friends were and he didn’t believe what he was seeing in front of him.

minji stood there, her arms crossed together as a bag dangled on one of them: a gift for her son. “hey..”

yeri’s brows furrowed and anger took over her, marching towards johnny’s ex. “how dare you show your face here after what you did to johnny?!” seulgi and mark pulling her back before she did anything, “you got some nerve, you b-”

“yeri.” johnny started, handing the child to kun. “what do you want, mj?”

her expression was soft but that was about it, not anyone knew what her intention really was besides giving a gift to youngmin, which jungwoo took when handed over. “i was hoping we could talk..” she looked to the others then back to johnny, “alone?”

johnny gestured to his friends to go back to the house and clear up, saying he wouldn’t take long.

taeyong looked back in concern, his gut telling him something was going to happen. he heard the two argue many times and he knew that this wasn’t going to be any different. so he decided to stay close to the main entrance in case one of them broke a vessel and scrolled through his phone.

the weather forecasted that tonight would rain due to continuous heat and sunny periods, so the group hurried back before the typhoon arrived. after a few minutes, the house was almost cleaned up when everyone heard minji and johnny shouting and raising their voices.

“this is why you should’ve answered my calls! you can’t just tell me that you want to get back together after ghosting me when i messaged you!” johnny fumed up, pointing fingers at her when minji just remained silent for a bit.

“i said i was sorry okay?! maybe i shouldn’t have come here! you’re still the same!” minji spat back, holding her sweater to prevent her from doing anything rash.

seulgi held her back, while taeyong pulled johnny too. yeri pushed mark aside gently and pointed at minji. “leave. now. before my hands break loose.”

minji gave everyone a long glare before stepping out, clicking her tongue in distaste. johnny’s friends saw how she walked away in shame and anger, not a word spoken between them as they stood by the porch.

——

the ride wasn’t as long as you thought, probably just three stops away. the restaurant your parents booked was the same one as the photo where everyone was.. happy. you’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous at all because in reality, you really were.

stepping in the restaurant, the grip on your bag crumpled and you exhaled a breather. spotting the reception and informing the staff of the booking, he then guided you to a vip room.

the table was placed behind the glass window, three empty chairs reserved for you and your parents. it had been a while, and you asked yourself when the last time you actually had a proper family dinner was.

you pre-ordered the five course menu for yourself, not knowing what your parents would choose. observing the vip room, it was quiet. one painting, in particular, caught your eye. it was a centerpiece that had an abstract theme, and strangely enough it was calming your nerves until your parents arrive.

the waiter came up to your table, pouring you a glass then another handed your one-bite hors d’ouvres. peeking at the entrance, which was visible to where you were sitting, there were no signs of newcomers.

eating the one bite hors d’ouvres, you expected your phone to chime a notification, only to be met with the display time moving onward. it had been half a hour. would they really show up?

the appetiser came about, then the salad. reaching for your phone once more, you hesitantly called your dad. however, there was only the monotonous sound, saying that he wasn’t going to answer.

usually vip rooms were the loudest, the most fun. yours was the opposite as you ate in silent.

main course had already made it to your table when you noticed your parents haven’t even arrived. you called them probably five times. though it was final that they were never going to come tonight. your vision slowly blurred and it felt full, a rush of sadness overtook your entire body.

not wanting to leave without finishing the dessert, you were served the sweetest cheesecake. except that, your palate was so bland. the two seats in front of you have been empty for an hour and a half. it reminded you of days when you at home eating dinner alone.

this was no different, but why did you expect so much when it was obvious that it’d be the same as before? it was only after dessert where you realised that the windows have been painted with mirror droplets and bright flashes.

standing up, you paid the bill that was meant for three when only one just showed up. your lips quivered, holding yourself together in public.

it was when you stormed out of the restaurant where your tears fell. you cursed at the sudden rain and thunderstorm. tonight weather’s was just like how you were feeling. your tears transmigrated with the heavy rain.

you didn’t have an umbrella with you and you cried harder when your phone was on the whole time, almost draining the rest of your phone battery.

you ran, once again. the patters of heavy rain that hit your face weren’t in parallel to the pain you felt. you ran to wherever, far away from your parents (even if they weren’t there), far from the past trauma you got.

tossing the stuff in your bag, you whimpered in hiccups when your inhaler was nowhere to be seen, then remembering you had the panic button johnny gave you earlier. you pressed it immediately, hoping to inform him you needed help, now.

johnny was watching a movie with his friends to cool off his mind when his phone rang a siren. he paused the movie and had a serious look. jungwoo scoffed and turned to face the guy. “dude don’t just pause at the-” he got cut off when johnny abruptly stood up and rushed to the door, his clothes went pass the younger one. “johnny hyung?”

“i’ll step out a bit..” he scrambled through his backpack for an item he regretted not giving to you.

the rest of the gang looked up, confused faces in theirs when they tried to reciprocate his vague action.

johnny pointed towards the clock, “it’s 9pm, could one of you guys please bring youngmin upstairs and put him to sleep and mind the house? i’ll be right back.” rushing out of his family home.

kun pulled johnny’s arm back after seeing an inhaler on his hand. he thought for a bit as he tried to connect the dots, “dude, what about y/n?”

“come with me, kun.” johnny just simply asked him to.

the two ran out and took a taxi just outside, as if it was prepared for them. johnny took his phone out, the gps telling him where you were located. his eyebrows met together when you weren’t even at the restaurant you said you were supposed to be in.

“.. johnny.” his thoughts pulled him out of a trance when kun called his name. “if this is something she only told you, i’ll stay out of it but tell me where she is so i could inform the driver.”

johnny’s legs shook anxiously as he bit his nails, looking out of the raindrop patterned window. he scolded himself for not handing your inhaler to you, he regretted giving that advice for you to talk to your parents, and he wished he didn’t give his phone number. this wouldn’t have happened if he just stepped back.

kun looked at his friend, “i know that look. if you’re regretting something, don’t. you did what you can to help.”

“yeah.”

the taxi stopped at an alleyway because there was a dead end at the end of road. johnny opened the door and left, not bothering to open the umbrella he brought while kun paid the driver.

johnny flicked his already wet hair back, “y/n!” he called out, checking his phone again to see the glowing red dot so he’d know where to look. he ran when you were just close by. “kun! follow me!”

his footsteps halted when he saw you seated underneath a lamp post. he’d want to applaud you for staying there, at least he could spot you so easily but it wasn’t the right time.

your clothes and yourself were soaking wet. one of your hands holding your chest while the other held the panic button. the jeans you wore turned darker when the light was covered, you looked up and johnny was standing up front, towering over you.

“y/n..” he sat down eye level with you. he took out the inhaler, putting it in your mouth, and pressed the pump. “breathe, okay? we’ll do this a few times.”

kun saw this scene unfold in front of him, he recalled this very same gesture you did yesterday. “ah, that’s why she wanted it to keep it a secret.” he told himself, taking out a towel and held the umbrella above the two of you.

“slowly.” johnny guided you, pushing away the wet strands off your face, then wrapping the towel around you. you were still in a mental breakdown and his heart ached a lot seeing you like this.

kun swayed awkwardly but understood and took that as a sign for him to leave for a bit. he gave the umbrella to johnny before skipping through further to look for a shed while we waited.

you just continued to cry. johnny didn’t know what to do, but talking wasn’t an option. so he took his phone out, playing the favourite song you had mentioned at the road trip, and put one of his earbuds to your ear and another to his. he dropped the umbrella from his hold, mumbling an ‘excuse me’ before wrapping his arms around you.

it was hard to hide the state of your mind, but you wondered why it was so easy for you to be vulnerable in front of johnny. more tears came out with just one action, along with the song you loved. sometimes you just needed a hug, no words needed to be said.

despite the rain, you didn’t realise how cold it got until you felt johnny’s warmth; his arms was enough to make you feel safe. and you hugged him back, responding that it was okay for him to do that.

though he was keeping you close to him, johnny’s mind was occupied with so many things tonight: your difficult situation and the sudden appearance of his ex- minji.

your arms around him made him hug you tighter.

maybe, he needed a hug too.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @titanmaknae29 @joepomonerof @lovesuhng @studyingthemind @cheyehc @kyeomooniee @geysuuuuh

#johnny scenarios #johnny imagines #johnny fluff #johnny angst #johnny au #johnny drabbles #johnny series #johnny fanfic #johnny oneshot #johnny romance #nct johnny #johnny nct #johnny seo #seo youngho #johnny suh scenarios #johnny suh fluff #johnny suh angst #johnny suh romance #nct scenarios #nct fluff #nct au #nct series #nct oneshot #kpop scenarios #nct kpop #kpop fluff #kpop fanfic #nct fanfic #nct angst #johnny suh

[terrorofthetrident]

from an interview ewan did, he said that aemond never felt unconditional love from his family. aemond believes their love is dependent upon his usefulness. so, i think the fact that alicent might not look at him as the dutiful son she can always rely on (be disappointed in him) because of what happened at storm’s end will affect him and lead him into desperation in the attempt to be seen as that dutiful son again, the one his family can look to to see them through the war. i think in season two he’ll embrace his kinslayer title, play it up, and act like he doesn’t care about what his family thinks or says and hide behind that cold, stony facade…but eventually we’ll start to see that facade break away.

Different anon, in my opinion it's terrible circle where aemond can't stand alicent being disappointed in him, because he wants to be her beloved child forever, but he's also willing to show he's still useful, deserving her love despite storms end. I just don't think real closeness, vulnerability, mutual trust can exist betweeen him and alicent because he leaves no room for that. In episode 6 she comforted him, in 7 she was fighting for family to care for him when he lost an eye, but later he doesn't need her to show him support or console him anymore. He isn't vulnerable with her. I am not aegon fan but i admit he's always vulnerable around alicent and no one else. when he cries after she slapped him, do you love me talk in carriage and in trailer with the two of them in one room when he looks tired/sad/anxious with his hand on the chair. alicent just knows aegon better because he lets her in as an adult. he trusts her enough to be emotionally vulnerable with her. aemond hides his vulnerable side from her and everyone else. That doesn't encourage real closeness if he wears a mask all the time. vhagar is his only friend because he doesn't give anyone or himself a chance of real closeness. he is the designer of his own loneliness. I don't know what must happen for aemond to show his facade break away. He is the type to rather die than confess he cares.

first, i’m sorry for the late response, i’m so bad with asks. but thank you for sharing your thoughts! i tried not to make this so wordy (kinda failed).

so, i agree with you on some aspects…despite aemond’s own feeling that the love his family has for him is conditional, it’s clear that he loves his family and that alicent loves him unconditionally. even though aemond isn’t very open in expressing his emotions and feelings, there are still many ways in which he shows that he loves and cares for his family. he’s very protective of them, he pretty much trained his entire life so that he would be his family’s sword and shield, and he can be loving and caring with his family. in ep 9, we see him drop that cold, stony facade when he’s with alicent. he’s soft, caring, and comforting which is very different to his demeanor in ep 8. i think closeness and trust exists between them despite the lack of vulnerability with his words..but i do see your point, i think because aemond is guarded with his emotions alicent likely doesn’t have a deep level of understanding of who he really is, which is really just the tragic reality of their relationship due to the kind of environment they grew up in. aemond wants to be viewed as this formidable and capable protector that his family can depend on and to him vulnerability equals weakness, so he hides it from and for them.

for the most part, we don’t really see aemond openly expressing his emotions, other than when the bottled up emotions brewing up inside him cause him to explode in anger….and with all the tragedies his family will endure, i think it’s likely we’ll get scenes where he expresses his anger/rage/guilt…i think we could see glimpses of his vulnerability show in private moments where he’s alone and/or possibly with criston (i say this because it seems he feels comfortable sharing things with criston ie. when he brought up how he was taken to a brothel when he was 13).

i’m curious to see more interactions between aemond and his family, but, so far from what we’ve gotten, aemond’s scenes with alicent mostly revolve around him making himself useful (in ep 9, when he learns that viserys has died, the first thing he does is head to his mother’s room to offer his support, then when alicent asks criston to find aegon for her, aemond offers to join him).

aemond’s relationship with vhagar is different from the one with his family, he knows she accepts and loves him unconditionally. she can feel what he feels, so he can’t hide his true emotions from her, she sees him for who he truly is and, i think, knows him more than anyone. aemond and vhagar bonded due to their similarities of feeling lonely and like they didn’t belong….and this brings me to alys. idk about your and everyone else’s thoughts on their relationship, but i think their relationship has so much potential. he could identify with alys similarly to how he does with vhagar and develop a deep connection with alys through their potential similarities and we could see the facade break away….and i’ll just leave it at that.

[babiebom]

Sdv Bachelor/ettes as Doctor Who Companions

A/N: because the specials are coming out soon(the first episode of the three part special is coming out tomorrow I’m so excited I missed ten and Donna) I wanted to combine my two prominent special interests. Keep in mind gender has nothing to do with this, and it’ll be nuwho focused because I have never watched classic who except for some compilations that were chaotic.

Tw:maybe some cursing? Some spoilers but like the show and episodes have been out for so long idk what to tell you

Wc: idk it’s headcanons. I wanna make it at least 3 or 4 or each. So that times all 12???

Sdv Masterlist

Sebastian

Nardole

I KNOW I KNOW

Starting off chaotically

It was SUPER HARD to figure out who he fits

Like genuinely so hard it took me SO LONG

But I think he does fit Nardole in the way that both of them are loyal to their friends and very no nonsense when it comes to their responsibilities

Like I know that Seb seems antisocial in the game but like it’s mostly when he needs to get work done (which is always) which seems to me more like he needs to get his shit done in order to do anything else his responsibilities come first

Nardole is the same in that yes he loves his friends but shit needs to get done and that’s what’s important first, no distractions, no going off the beaten path, just do what needs to be done

Also Nardole seems passive he isn’t very submissive actually. Like yeah he gets scared but like Nardole is good at taking charge when he needs to

Sebastian is the same he seems quiet and submissive when in actuality he just doesn’t take charge unless he has to

Also Nardole isn’t anything more than a platonic relationship and I think that despite how attractive Sebastian is, he would probably prefer things to stay on the platonic side of things rather than fuck everything up with romance

Also would think it would be cool to be a humanoid cyborg thing

Sam

Bill Potts

I feel like Bill was a funny companion and her personality fits Sam

I mean they both seem chill and excitable

And both are very in tune to their emotions and able to understand what other people are feeling

I also think that Sam would be a more platonic companion rather than romantic.

Also I do think in serious times that Sam could be a little intimidating.

Both are extremely wrong and loving towards those they view as friends

And I feel like both are easy to get along with.

Also would be both comic relief and exposition

Also Bill is very inquisitive and curious and very smart

And I feel like that describes Sam somewhat with the curiosity

I feel like he would ask so many questions that everyone around him would be annoyed even though he’s doing it to gain an understanding of what is happening around him.

Also would gain crushes like Bill did ngl

Shane

Donna Noble

NOW LISTEN

Both of these people have very horrible self esteem issues

Like both feel a negative way about themselves

Think they’re unimportant and stupid that they’re just some person that exists and that they aren’t special at all

I think the main difference between them is that Donna carries herself differently

She will scream at the world to get it to listen to her, Shane just accepts that no one cares to listen to him and it makes him spiral more

Like Donna speaks about herself in a very sad way through her episodes

And so does Shane. Most of his conversations are just insulting to him and downplaying how much he means to anyone in general

Donna saved the doctors life by being there

And in a way Shane saved Jas’ life by being alive because he is her guardian even though she stays with Marnie in the game

He is her literal guardian

Without him who k owns where she would’ve ended up?

Also both are funny

I think Shane would be an extremely funny companion

Harvey

Graham O’Brian

Silly goofy old man

Is absolutely confused

Like I know Harvey is a doctor and all

But dude would be absolutely lost in every situation if it isn’t medical related.

I wanted to cast him as Martha but I don’t think he fits her very well

Like the only thing he has in common with her is the doctor thing

Like is he capable of a lot?

Yes

Can he save people?

Yes

But I do not think he could go through the year that never was like Martha did

This is why I think he’s similar to Graham

The old man is very protecting and loving and the main point is even though he’s terrified I don’t think Graham ever refuses to try to save anyone

And even if he did it was in a very sad way like he thought there is no way to save them.

I think Harvey would be similar

Terrified but ready to help

Elliott

Jack Harkness

Tell me I’m wrong bc I’m not

You can argue with a wall

I swear Elliott fits this role too well

Not that he’s a whore(affectionate) like Jack

But that he would use his looks and verbal prowess to seduce people for absolutely no reason

Literally him saying hi is him flirting

Would’ve flirted with EVERY alien he came across I know he would

Would recite a poem to them about how beautiful they are

Cause them to fall in love

Them be like heheh I’m cool right? I’m so sexy :)

Also despite all of that Jack is a very caring and protective character in my opinion

Like yeah he jokes a lot and is a very unserious person

But he is good hearted and tries hard to help

Like who do you know that is scared of death that would use the ability to come back just to help save other people

Especially if they’re unsure if that ability will last forever or not

Like I think Elliott would be similar

Alex

Ryan Sinclair

I think there is something about guys specifically that lose their mothers that act similarly

Like they both seem closed off to people and use either humor or being standoffish to keep from actually showing their feelings

And when they feel their feelings it’s in an angry and unfair type of way

Also Ryan loved his grandmother more than anything having being raised by her(I think?)

And Alex has been being raised by his grandparents and I do like to think that he is a grandma’s boy even though he does love his grandfather as well

I also think he would be the one to ask how people are doing on the side.

Like without anyone noticing he would be like “hey you okay?”

Is actually super sweet when he works through his insecurities and becomes one of the best companions due to his compassion grounding the doctor

Like is super sweet during the later half of his season or maybe the second season he’s in.

Maru

Yasmin Khan

I think that Maru fits Yaz well

It took me a minute to decide but when I went back to read the wiki I realized that they are very similar

Both are very ambitious and want to be the best in their fields

And both love to learn and are naturally curious

Both are very focused on their jobs and in Maru’s case she’s very focused on her work in science

Maru doesn’t really have friends or relationships thanks to (Demetrius) her focusing on her work and Yaz is the same, never bringing friends home or anything because she’s focused on growing and becoming head of the police force.

I also think Maru would be very in love with traveling with the doctor and the doctor themself

Maru already likes robotics and science in general, traveling throughout time and space would be perfect for her

She would fall in love with the doctor and want to travel forever

I also think that due to her having feelings she would grow in confidence and in protectiveness

Would shove the Master to the ground in anger because wtf do you think you’re doing?

After returning home would probably be depressed and lost without the person she thought she would be with forever

Abigail

Amy Pond no doubt about it

I think they both have the same level of chaos and love of adventure

Like Amy is a very first girl that is sort of sensitive and hides it behind her confident and toughness

I can see Abigail being similar

All they want is to have adventure and not be forced into some role they are supposed to play

I can see Abigail being the girl who waited

Out of the characters she would be the one to survive so long in a foreign place and waiting the entire time

Only to have rescue come when she finally lost hope so she’s pissed off at them and hurt but not really wanting to show it because showing it is weakness.

Like Amy I think she would have a crush on the doctor for like a second because who wouldn’t when being offered the chance to explore the universe by the most mysterious person you’ve ever met

But that crush would go away quickly and would be boiled down to a platonic relationship.

Leah

Martha Jones

Now listen

She and Martha are similar personality wise instead of like oh they both have the same career or something

Like I feel like out of all the bachelor(ettes) that she would be the one to survive the year that never was

Like I think she is a lot stronger than people think she is

And she would be the one I can see having a crush on the doctor but not letting it get in the way of doing what she needs to do

Also would leave a toxic situation quite easily

And by easily I mean it would take a lot of strength but she does it beautifully

She did it before when leaving her ex to go to Pelican Town and she would be strong enough to leave the doctor.

Both are very headstrong and firm in their beliefs

And I do think Leah has a temper, she doesn’t prefer to use violence but will if she has to.

Being with the doctor only makes her stronger and when she leaves she uses her knowledge to help

Penny

Rose Tyler

Not just because they both were raised only by their moms

I think that Penny has the Rose quality about her when it comes to romance. Like I could easily see her being the love interest for the Doctor, and being the one they get torn from in the end.

And not to be a hater but I can totally see myself getting annoyed at her the more the romance grows

Because Ten and Rose started to become annoying when the romance became sort of the focus (yes I am a nine and rose enjoyer)

Like them Penny and her doctor would get so “obsessed” for each other that they start to not see the importance and impact of what they’re doing.

Like yes traveling through space and time is a silly goofy thing but at the same time you’re messing with peoples lives. Like even if you’re saving them, you’re still messing with them and it needs to be taken seriously instead of thought of as dates and “fun”

But on the cuter side I can see her being the type of person to slowly and quietly make her way into someone’s heart and make them remember that life is worth living.

Emily

River Song

She has that air of weirdness about her like River does

Like isn’t around all the time

And out of everyone I think Emily would be the one to meet the doctor out of order.

Like tell me I’m wrong

Out of everyone her timeline would be the one that’s backwards

And while I don’t think Emily has the violent streak in her I do think she would be part time lord like River is

Also I think she could be the one to get married

Both are strong and smart and knows what they know and don’t need anyone to help or tell them different because it’s not going to change their minds at all

Like yes she knows what she’s doing is unconventional but it’s what she’s doing and she’s almost 100 percent sure that it’s going to work so back off

Very confident

Just very amazing women

Haley

Clara Oswald

Because I think Clara and her are similar

Both are fiery and stubborn

Would be the one the doctor gains feelings for after somewhat getting over Rose

Like she’s pretty and strong and doesn’t take any shit

Also would be the one to somewhat become like the doctor but still not act like they’re a god

Also would be funny in certain circumstances like if she needed to act like the doctor who read the fuck out of them

Would be the one to call people out and do what needs to be done

I can also see her being extremely hurt if something happens to someone she loves and she becomes an absolute bitch while she’s hurt

Realizes she’s in the wrong but like she’s HURT

Would also steal the Tardis and go on her own adventures

Added headcanon that she would take pictures of every place they visit

#stardew valley #sdv #stardew #sdv headcanons #stardew headcanon #stardew valley headcanons #sdv shitpost #stardew shitpost #stardew valley shitpost #sdv haley #sdv leah #sdv maru #sdv penny #sdv emily #sdv abigail #sdv alex #sdv elliott #sdv sebastian #sdv shane #sdv harvey #sdv sam #doctor who

[attheendoftheline]

Hadestown is the show for callbacks and mirroring, probably the best example is the Groundhog Day esc ending in road to hell reprise. Though one of my favorites has to be Orpheus and Eurydice when compared to Hades and Persephone. I often see the comparisons being drawn Hades and Orpheus/Persephone and Eurydice but honestly I’m here to argue the opposite is really true. The only time these comparisons are really viable is when they’re personally being made (Epic III ‘was like me a man in love with a woman’ it really stops their comparison wise, and Persephone’s cut chant II verse directly to Eurydice ‘when I was a young girl like you’.)

If I raise my voice-

Persephone and Orpheus are a lot alike. This added to the fact that they are canonically some level of friends, he would have seen her since he was a kid and she general likes him etc. They both are the emotional , sensitive party in their relationship. Heart out on the sleeve— “I’ll sing from the rooftops of my love and I don’t care who here’s it I’m in love!” Types. Now Persephone has been working hard to…well repress herself. She drinks and drugs herself into oblivion trying to put up a persona of not caring just being fun and indifferent. She wants to give up but can’t! She’s doing all this because her heart aches, because hades became someone else entirely - and doesn’t accept she’s still the same. We see her wild and free in the mortal realm and her sort of speakeasy.

They both raise their voice. Orpheus has been beaten, cast aside, lost and confused and he still speaks out and raises a crowd, he still Carries some level of belief in that better world, in taking her home. Persephone has been beaten in another way and mostly by herself with her drinking— but the moment things get serious she stops. She yells at hades! This woman screams at the most powerful man around— she appeals to his emotion first just as Orpheus.

Now emotion isn’t weakness don’t even try to get that argument from this but both are very… heightened. Highs are highs , lows are low. Being a very gifted demigod and a goddess— yeah it’s gonna be larger then life. It effects others- Orpheus more literally with his voice being magic and Persephone as her moods are just infectious (if mamas happy everybody’s happy). Their first instinct is to fight and yell and protest when things aren’t right, call it out! God they’re so optimistic …even if persephone tries to make you believe she’s not, she’s a rebel. She runs a speakeasy as I said as well as actually seeing views out of the wall (confirmed in working on a song).. she wants the downfall, she wants a change, she wants spring just as anyone.

Keep your head low-

Hades and Eurydice aren’t any less emotional, they just bottle things up. They’re terrified to let anyone see the real them, see them vulnerable! That’s when the strike to kill happens… that’s when they get to you, whoever “they” may be. Eurydice hides herself behind her coat and by never staying long to begin with— stirred on by fate itself. Hades hides himself in his work, in his factories and walls- his iron fist is one so he may never show the flower within. They’ve been slighted one to many times. If they’re honest people will laugh, people will hurt them— the world is cruel! They are the pessimist to their lovers optimist. Seeing the worst of the world instead of the best.

I’m not saying Eurydice has the potential to turn into a fat cat industrialist, but I’m saying it’s interesting how much she aligns with hades and it humanizes him. Eurydice always had a greater potential to change and perhaps it’s because she’s younger- slighted but not scorned. She found the right person at the right time who broke so many rules of the world for her that it’s impossible not to become optimistic. She stands of what Hades could be/could have been. As even as Orpheus is close to making him completely change his mind and as his relationship heels he still! Falls back on order and his work. It’s a crutch, just like how running away is Eurydices.

I like when the characters themselves make a direct comparison- mainly In love to the gendered party but I don’t think it’s the one everyone should be making/setting as the standard. I just… hghhhh show has a lot going on and I’ll die for it. (Also look out for more bullet points I have a lot of stuff that can’t be full posts)

#hadestown #hadestown broadway #hadestown musical #meta #hadestown meta #orpheus hadestown #eurydice hadestown #orphydice #persephone hadestown #hades hadestown #hades and persephone #rambling #character analysis #character comparison #themes #mirror themes

[bumblingbabooshka]

id love to hear about your ideal tuvok-seven and tuvok-b'lanna relationships!!!!

THIS IS VERY LONG AND /ALL/ OFF THE DOME PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Seven&Tuvok: Tuvok is the first person on board who Seven forms a friendly bond with. They understand one another’s methods of communicating very well. They’re both seen as cold and unsocial by others. Tuvok is excused from this because he’s Vulcan but Seven is constantly told she’s wrong for this because she’s human. Perhaps a bit of resentment from Seven about this but it’s not a huge problem. Tuvok is one of the few people Seven feels she can relax in front of

(B’Elanna too - though they argue more than Tuvok/Seven that’s another kind of relaxing. She can talk to her like a friend where they’re on equal footing rather than the Doctor or Janeway who tend to talk ‘down’ to her by which I mean they present themselves as being a mentor figure and Janeway is also literally her boss).

Seven does not need a father figure or another mentor in my mind. She has enough of that, EVERYONE is that. I know people view Tuvok showing care for Seven as fatherly but I personally view it as more friendly concern. In my mind Vulcan parenthood or Tuvok’s particular brand of fatherhood seem to stem more from teaching. (Ex: The children from Innocence or his lessons with Kes). Tuvok does obviously care about Seven but not in what I perceive as a fatherly way. It’s far more interesting to me that Seven is often helping/protecting Tuvok or that they’re often in some kind of dangerous situation together. I think it’d be interesting to lean into that more. Like, it’d be sort of sweet if the relationship Seven finds confidence in caring for someone else in was with a Vulcan. I know they have that whole borg children thing, I couldn’t care less about that honestly. The Naomi-Seven relationship is cute enough on its own! 

Both Seven and Tuvok go to and through hell for each other.

My personal favorite Tuvok-Seven moment other than Comfortable Silence one we all know and love is the one where Seven believes the borg are calling her and she tells Tuvok to get out of the shuttle so he won’t be assimilated. Tuvok then says no, he’s not leaving her. It’s just so fucking sweet to me. Both of them. Seven’s like ‘I want to spare you this’ and Tuvok’s like ‘I’ll walk headfirst into this for you’. 

I see both Seven and Tuvok as traumatized people, both of whom would probably deny this citing either ‘borg’ or ‘vulcan’ as the reason this is so. However they both seem to suffer a lot, especially when it comes to their minds. Tuvok even parallels Seven’s initial trauma in being fully assimilated into the borg yet this never comes up between them. Look more into that!! What was that like?? They both suffer traumas, in some cases even similar (Repression, Retrospect) or the same traumas but the reaction of the crew to those traumas is very different with Seven being badgered about her emotions & reactions and Tuvok being left alone with his. I just think it’d be nice for them to have a certain solace. Tuvok would have a shoulder to lean on Seven would have someone who wouldn’t be expecting anything out of her.

Regarding the Borg thing: If ANYONE could understand how being part of an interconnected network of minds would be comforting it would be Tuvok. If ANYONE could understand how being suddenly and traumatically separated from that network via the actions of a certain captain Janeway could be confusing and painful it would be Tuvok. Not that I think Tuvok blames Janeway, I don’t at all. He’s Vulcan (it would be illogical) and also Kathryn’s #1 stan so I think that could again be a point of friction between them. Tuvok doesn’t push Seven in any direction but doesn’t ever admit that Janeway could be wrong. I think at one point in Year of Hell he literally tells Seven she shouldn’t disagree with her? But just Tuvok’s general behavior in the show (like not commenting on her attempting to torture information out of a guy and going on a bloodthirsty quest for vengeance in Equinox) shows that despite what lipservice the show pays to him being her ‘moral compass’ in earlier seasons he mostly just agrees with her after that one instance of him going against orders. He has a tremendous amount of faith in her and would probably encourage that same faith in Seven. That or he’d just excuse himself from the issue by saying he’s Vulcan and can’t really comment on what it means to be human.

Long story short Tuvok is in desperate need of characters he’s not seen as a mentor figure for and Seven is in desperate need of characters that aren’t trying to mold her into what their vision of a good human/starfleet officer is. I think they could and should find that in one another.

B’Elanna & Tuvok: Both B’Elanna and Tuvok have a lot of similarities in their backstories that are unexplored. They both at one point wished they were not the race they are (for different reasons and to differing degrees as Tuvok grew out of this and B’Elanna still has it). They were both sent to a temple to better connect with their heritage. They both quit Starfleet (at different times). They both are seen by people chiefly with regards to their species ‘It’s because [s]he’s Vulcan/Klingon’ and they have both taken issue with it in the past. They both seem like they have had a complicated relationship to humanity with B’Elanna lauding it and Tuvok loathing it (not actively in canon I mean in the past for Tuvok).

B’Elanna from a young age viewed humanity as Good. Full stop. No matter how much humans hurt her the lesson she seems to take away from it is that she needs to change, not that humans should change. She covered her ridges, she lies about not knowing Klingon, when she knows her baby will be born with her features she’s TERRIFIED of how her daughter will be treated and tries EVERYTHING in her power to “fix” (HEAVY air quotes) her and make her socially acceptable to humans. 

Tuvok on the other hand, when faced with similar (though not as dire, sustained or internalized as B’Elanna) issues went the opposite way. He grew to really resent how humans pushed their own beliefs and values onto him. I think it’s interesting how he mentioned humor specifically, implying that Tuvok has and had his own sense of humor - of personhood - that humans didn’t understand and thus ignored or viewed as lesser.

Now for how these elements would interact…B’Elanna in her dreamscape in Barge of The Dead places Tuvok as the arbiter of What is a Good Klingon which I interpret as meaning she views him as very upright and traditional. This makes sense as we see Tuvok is a very staunch person. In canon he doesn’t struggle at all with his cultural identity. He is Vulcan and he’s at peace with that no matter what anyone has to say about it - unlike B’Elanna. He even has a holoprogram of a temple which is interesting when you take into account the fact that B’Elanna denies her cultural spirituality.

I think B’Elanna would see Tuvok as a bit intimidating and very frustrating. He’s stubborn like her and I can’t imagine them working well together. They don’t interact much but the two times I can remember him doing so he says something that could be interpreted as very hurtful (though the narrative hates B’El- doesn’t see it that way).

1 After B’Elanna tells him a painful story about her past in which she was bullied to the point of snapping and attacking another student Tuvok immediately uses the same jeer to incite her to anger yet again. After he intentionally does so he criticizes her for being angry and says she’s too easily riled up.

2 After B’Elanna is acquitted in Random Thoughts Tuvok says something along the lines of “You know for a brutal and illogical Klingon you actually control yourself somewhat well.” and B’Elanna says “Thanks??” which…B’Elanna…you can punch him, it’s okay. I know you don’t punch people but you can do it just this once. Again, I don’t see them being either father/daughter or mentor/mentee. (I assume them having a father/daughter bond is just conceptual as Tuvok IS a father and B'Elanna has a bad relationship with her own) They don’t interact with one another much and seem like they would aggravate each other as they’re both stubborn and kind of similar. I think in fact that Tuvok constantly being relegated to ‘Mentor Figure’ is side-eyeingly similar to the ‘Magic N*’ trope by which I mean Tuvok is used in both canon and fan narratives ONLY to advance other characters’ stories, give them advice etc but his own personhood remains unexplored or seen as unimportant. 

I think B’Elanna-Tuvok could really bring that out. Both of them being just two people. B’Elanna and Tuvok arguing, learning about one another, coming to respect each other. B’Elanna questioning Tuvok and his ideas and Tuvok being unused to that, caught off guard - and through that questioning and response we learn more about both of them as people.

Tuvok, at the end of the day, is not a therapist. He’s just some guy who’s part of a culture which is known for controlling themselves. He doesn’t even seem to really WANT to do what little exercises of control he does with B’Elanna (he says Chakotay insisted). Tuvok is not a people person and doesn’t seek out interactions with others. When he talks to others they often view him as either cold (perception of Vulcans) or superior (Tuvok-specific trait) neither of which I think B’Elanna would jive with well. 

I think it would be very interesting if B’Elanna called Tuvok out on how he’s implied to view Klingons. I think she’d be way more likely to do this with Tuvok because he’s not a human. Like, imagine if after rising tensions Tuvok makes one little comment too many and B’Elanna’s like “Hey. Do you remember when you were an ensign and people kept making these comments about YOU??? Do you think maybe you’re doing the exact same fucking thing right now to me???”

ALSO one last thing I find interesting is (I’m sorry) LITERALLY ONE line in Innocence that’s NEVER brought up again. Tuvok saying that he used to believe in the concept of a katra and the Vulcan afterlife but “in recent years” he’s begun to experience doubts. Let B’Elanna and Tuvok talk about spiritual doubts.

At the end of the day I DO ABSOLUTELY want them to be friends. I want them to stick up for each other when a human makes a little comment. I want them to have each others fucking backs. Maybe it's not the fact that I'm Vulcan or You're Klingon that's the problem.....maybe it's the whi- humans...that are wrong. This could also connect to Seven's personal journey with humanity. Seven seeing that two people she cares about have been hurt by humanity and humanity's perception of them could be an interesting thing for her to notice and think about in regards to what sort of person she wants to be.

#SORRY. #THIS IS.......SORRY #kind anon #Anon (sweet and unsuspecting): Hmm Bea hasn't answered my ask in a long time maybe he's not interested #Bea (lunatic): I'm too interested to even TRY to reply. Let me just -WRITES AN ESSAY- #st voyager #B'Elanna Torres #Seven of Nine #Tuvok #these are just my personal ideas.......alotofthem..........sorry #Tuvok is interesting to me in part because he used to be rebellious and wilder but now he's so by-the-book and uncompromising #there's a LOT A LOT that could come from that in my mind especially in his relationships towards both B'Elanna and Seven #thank you everyone who sends me asks I really do love them #sometimes I love them so much I can't answer them right away v_v please bear with me

[gravityrose-nahda-yvie]

Had some thoughts while I was setting up the tree today…. what else would my mind drift to, ya’ll know she and Blade are my fav listeners.

12/6 - made some changes

Cheeky These are my thoughts, so NOT from anything and my thoughts can change the second Scythe comes out with something. =) (Whenever I am reading a book series, I do the same thing)

In no order:

Raised in a cult like structure. It makes me think a bit of like…the Sea Org (Scientologist “navy”). I find cults fascinating.

Logistics department – equipment and supply responsibilities. Support, inventory control, etc.

Cheeky is book smart but not world / emotion / street smart. I always think of her as innocent but kind of like Michelle from American Pie. Bored cult teenagers.

Is Cheeky’s telepath abilities her “Imperial” power (maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Mayb…)

Cheeky, how many times was she “re-educated”?

Will Wilder be able to help Cheeky get her memories back?

Why do so many not survive after leaving the Corp?

Any of the 7k’s and any descendants would be treated differently to someone straight up “hired” off the street as an adult because they have a higher possibility of presenting powers.

I bet the Corp knows Cheeky’s lineage…does V? Does the Corp know V’s?

I think when V hands her the note in the bar, she believes what he has said to her from when he woke up after the coconut incident was a lie (because prior to that, she already knew he was training her for something that was not the Atrocity). I think when he would not say anything was real after Atrocity it took away the friend/family she thought she was part of when leaving the Corp and prior to Atrocity. I think it could put doubt in her about V, L (though L has displayed a sense of honour), and even the kids. Did he do it as a way of obtaining her loyalty? Would she not have already given it to him because he was training her? He hadn’t just outright killed her. She knows that he needs her for something other than Atrocity.

Cheeky has nowhere to go but with L and Wilder. Everything she has would be from V & L, the clothes, food, shelter. She doesn’t know anyone else; she’s wanted by the corporation; Void is out there somewhere. She wants the fall of the Corporation.

After seeing all the mystics being hunted by the corporation when leaving the fight, with the way the Corp has treated her, she wants the Corp destroyed.

Has issues sleeping in a room by herself because whenever she does, Void shows up.

I picture Cheeky blocking emotions, shutting herself off as much as she can and becoming driven to learn everything about herself, light magic / telepathy, physical fighting. She doesn’t view herself as having anything/anyone else

#scythe audio

[kingdimitrx]

Douma - Another Rant

I’ve been thinking a lot about Douma’s sexuality and whatnot, because this is how I roll and because there’s a lot to consider here. Like, first of all, we can analyze what we see in him, how he’s portrayed, and the things that are obvious.

(There is a certain portion of the fandom that sees him as canon bisexual, which I am aware of as I am part of that portion. Even so, I'm still doing the analysis.

For more context, it was stated in what I believe was a page made by the KNY mangaka that Douma switched partners every now and then, to attempt playing the “childish game of love”. The part that implied him to be bisexual was that the kanji was gender neutral, instead of being feminine or masculine.)

There are three people in particular I’m focusing on here:

- Kotoha

- Shinobu

- Akaza

Douma’s relationships with each one are unique, and because I’m the way that I am, I’ll be analyzing each one separately.

First, Kotoha. With Kotoha, Douma was seen to be gentle, he regarded her fondly and seemed to regret her death. He took care of her, slayed her abusive family, and intended to keep her at his side without eating her. A lot of people ship him with her because of this, and that makes sense, somewhat.

Next, Shinobu. This is one of Douma’s most popular ships, likely because she’s the only “confirmed” love interest for Douma. As I stated earlier, after his desth, Douma randomly proclaims his love for Shinobu and whatnot, confessing to her, calling her cute, and begging her to go to hell with him. Despite the fact that she despises him and treats him quite poorly, it’s onvious there was some sort of chemistry there, at least on Douma’s end.

And finally, Akaza. This is one is actually my favorite to analyze, as in my opinion it has a lot of potential for several dynamics, and there’s a lot to think about here. Akaza, a fellow demon, is openly annoyed by and very irritated by the presence of Douma. Meanwhile, Douma “adores” Akaza, regarding him as his best friend. He even views Akaza literally punching off half of his head as a “friendly” gesture. Douma is also very touchy and talkative with Akaza, more physical and expressive with him than anyone else. These two are a relatively popular pairing for Douma, usually in a sexual setting.

So, in my opinion, we have three types of attraction that is seen in Douma towards these people.

With Kotoha, it seems the most likely to be platonic. They are never shown to be romantic, they were simply two very close people who happened to be male and female. However, I think based on Douma’s descriptions of her and the way he responds to mentions/reminders of her, it’s clear he loved her one way or another. (I am a person who writes for this pairing, however, my thoughts apply in my writings, too.)

With Shinobu, it seems like Douma got very attached very quickly and was very passionate about it. This, combined with how desperate he was and how much Shinobu hates him, leads me to conclude that his feelings toward Shinobu were a mix of obsession and desperation. There wasn’t actually anything between them, not really.

With Akaza, Douma is very touchy, talks a lot, and seems to enjoy Akaza’s presence greatly. It even seems like Douma either doesn’t understand that Akaza doesn’t like him, or he simply disregards it. This one seems very intimate to me, given how hard Douma pushes for Akaza to like him, plus how close and personal Douma acts with him. I think out of all three mainstream pairings, Douma having some sort of feelings for Akaza makes arguably the most sense, just based off of what we see in him alone.

But then, I can’t ignore Douma’s lack of emotion, empathy, or human understanding. Remember, he struggles greatly with forming/maintaining close social relationships.

When I consider this fact alone, I’d imagine Douma would probably be aromantic and possibly asexual as well, though his sexual behavior is more of headcanon/fandom’s interest than canon.

But when you look at the whole picture, when you consider his apathy alongside his behavior, it becomes a bit more complicated. Is this behavior part of his act? Are these relationships exceptions? Is this just him being overly friendly and taken out of context? Here’s what I think.

I think it’s possible he’s somewhere on the aro spectrum, because of his lack of ability/interst for interpersonal relationships. However, his behavior with Akaza, Kotoha, and Shinobu all show some sort of attraction coming from him.

Honestly? In conclusion? I think he’s neurodivergent, I think that’s what this all comes down to. He’s clearly capable of attraction and intimate behavior, but not really capable of understanding either. So that leaves him in some sort of limbo where he can’t/doesn’t pursue anything more due to his condition than anything about his sexuality or romantic orientation.

#douma my beloved #douma #thoughts #sorry for the rant #rant post #my rants #kotoha hashibira #shinobu #douma x kotoha #douma x shinobu #demon slayer akaza #akaza #douma x akaza #demon slayer #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #machigai rambles

[pumpkincarriage3]

Epel Felmier Character Analysis

Epel is a fun character. For most of the characters in the cast, we don't really get to see character development. We see it with Ace, Deuce, and Grimm because they interact with Yuu so much, but we don't get to see it with anyone else. Except for Epel. Epel, through chapter five and chapter six had clear character development. Which is a first, because the other characters didn't show a whole lot of it in the chapters they starred in. Except for Epel, in my personal opinion.

We first meet Epel officially, by him running into Deuce while he was crying. And while this did give the impression, and with his general appearance, that Epel was rather dainty, I think most people know that's false. These weren't tears of sadness. These were tear of frustration and anger, he was sick and tired of Vil pushing him into something that he didn't want.

It's why he applied for the VDC. Clearly, Epel's way of going about things wasn't helping his situation, so he went about it at a different angle. He decided he was going to beat Vil at his own game, that way Vil would finally leave Epel alone.

And while Epel got chosen to be apart of the group, he was still struggling. Because even though he decided to beat Vil at his own game, Epel is still Epel. He's defiant and doesn't want to bend for anyone. Not for something that he sees as "girly".

And lets talk about the reason why Epel probably hates being associated with "girly" things so much. Epel himself grew up in a small town, that mainly had elderly people. Epel himself says that he never really interacted with people his own age, so why would he hate the idea of appearing feminine so much? I can think of a few.

First, he mainly lives around elderly people. This is probably the main driving reason behind his reactions behind being viewed as feminine, rather than his own appearance. Vil himself calls Epel's views outdated. Those very same views are probably the ones that Epel has grown up around. He acts and believes the things he does because he was never taught any different to him.

The people he grew up around, the people he cares for deeply, are the very same people that would have told him being viewed as feminine is a bad thing because he's a man. And it doesn't help that he was probably teased a lot growing up because he looks so much like his grandmother when she was younger. Which is someone that people around him would remember seeing as they grew up, so he would constantly be called "girly" while also being told it's a bad thing. Which is why Epel has his toxic masculinity mindset. He's never been taught any different. Not until he came to NRC and he's shoved face-first into the deep end of everything he was taught to avoid. It's no wonder he's so defiant and frustrated by the situation.

Because, he did have the freedom to act however he wanted before NRC, and he suddenly can't do that anymore. He can't talk in his normal tone, can't eat what he'd normally eat, can't stand how he'd normally stand, he can't do anything that he'd normally do! So, to Epel, Vil is the bad guy deserving of all his ire.

And then he applies for the VDC to prove Vil wrong and try to get him to leave him alone once and for all, in the hopes that he can go back to his normal, and Vil gets even harsher than normal. It's because of emotional weight that Vil put behind the VDC, but Epel doesn't know that. He just knows that Vil is even worse than usual.

It's why he runs off in the middle of practice. Why what happened at the beach had such a profound effect on him. He was finally able to yell out his frustrations and act the way he wanted to act. And then he gets a call from home, talking about how there is a sudden boom in business. And the person behind that is Vil.

And Epel realizes what Vil was getting at. Just what Vil meant by his words. How beauty holds power. Because it is that same beauty that is helping his family, the people that he grew up with and loves. And now Epel can't say that it's all bad like he's been taught, because now there's a contradiction. A contradiction that continues to grow when Epel uses his appearance to fight those people on the beach. He finally understands what Vil is getting at. That he might have to consider beauty as a positive asset instead of a demerit.

Of course, this is still Epel. He doesn't want to be viewed as dainty or feminine and never will. That's just not who he is and he never will be. But he also knows that beauty can help people. That its something he can use to his advantage, to manipulate people if he so needs to. And it's an ability he will shamelessly use if he needs to. Because if Epel can't escape from his appearance, he can at least use it to his benefit, even if he doesn't like it. And that's how Epel grows as a person.

#twisted wonderland #twst #disney twst #twst wonderland #twst fandom #disney twisted wonderland #Disney twst wonderland #epel felmier #character analysis

[smokestarrules]

How do you think Amity’s arc will carry on? Dana said Season 3 would see characters reach their potential, but Amity’s arc with defying authority (aka Odalia) and rebuilding friendship with Willow seem to end in Season 2, and I saw someone saying that S3 Amity does not have her own personality other than being Luz’s girlfriend. I personally don’t agree with this kind of view but I am worried that the show won’t further develop her character out of her romantic relationship in the rest of S3.

People say that practically every time Amity shows up in the show. It's not a new criticism of hers (although it's always entirely incorrect). She may be The Love Interest, but she’s also her own character, too, and the writing reflects that. 

I think, yes, one-hundred percent, she's going to get more focus in one of the other episodes. Thanks to Them was largely about Luz and Hunter, and their guilt concerning the two main villains, and to a lesser extent, the episode was also about understanding Camila. Those were the biggest priorities, so there wasn't really time for anyone else to have any big moral quandaries, y'know? Amity's job, and Gu's and Willow's and Vee's, was to largely be supportive, because that's what they needed to be, both plot-wise and character-wise.

As for how Amity's arc will continue, well, I have a few thoughts about that, too. I think that her character arc overall is less about defying authority and more about learning to be herself, those two things just happen to come hand-in-hand more often than not.

She was never allowed to be herself during her childhood; she wasn’t even allowed to be her own person, instead just an extension of Odalia. Amity’s arc involves standing up against authority like her parents, yes, but it also involves her dressing up as Hecate for Halloween - which is exactly what she does in Thanks to Them. In that episode, there’s never any pretenses with Amity. She’s unapologetically and equivocally herself, which includes dorky references and silent support and lots of falling on her face, because that’s who she is as a person. 

There’s plenty of things for her that could still happen in the show. Amity and Willow will never be done making up for lost time. She has to find Alador and they’re going to have to have a long talk about how to move forward together. She’s also the only person in the Hexsquad who’s missing people other than her parents, so I’m sure Edric and Emira will also have an emotional scene with her at some point. I’d also love to see more of her flexibility with magic--she has a very unique style out of everyone, especially out of her own Track, and I think that there’s a lot that she could do in branching out her Abomination magic in the upcoming episodes. 

Also--even if a lot of her arc in s3 is intertwined with Luz’s, that doesn’t mean she’s a weaker character for it. Amity’s early progression was deeply influenced by Luz, because Luz was everything she ever wanted to be. Now it’s Luz’s turn to pull into herself, and Amity’s the one who has to have the courage to step up, to say, I’ve got you, and to be supportive and steadfast because Luz needs that. That’s not because Amity has no character outside of Luz, it’s because she’s her partner, and that’s her job.

A scene that I think could be very good in the next episode is, ironically, an argument between the two, though nothing is said of malice. I want Amity to get it through Luz’s head that everyone is better off from knowing her, especially Amity, to explain, maybe, where she’d be without Luz, how she would’ve lived her life. If done right, it could be a very powerful scene. 

#hrk. sorry if this is too long dhgjkdflgsd #I wasn't kidding when I said I could write multiple essays about her #so yeah. enjoy my word vomit #toh #toh spoilers #the owl house #the owl house spoilers #amity blight #luz noceda #lumity #smokey answers #anonymous

[yaoxsblog]

Can we get some more in depth headcanons about Herzegovina ?

anon you just made the worst mistake of your life. You are about to recieve a character analysis like nothing else.

But for the purpose of this being an "in depth" headcanon collection I'm leaving out my usual appearance headcanons because it doesn't apply here (unless the 'in depth' appearance headcanon you wish for is her having a mole under her right boob or something)

Oh and before we go ahead let me please also say this:

She is not my character. But this post may view her as so, because my version of her is so different from Tix' original character. Just so you know. Also, I am not a historian and therefore I will not get into any historical topics that may be relevant in this character's life, I am only going to talk about her as if she was a person. I hope you enjoy

Despite her mean looks and dominant aura, she’s only like that on the outside. It’s hard to really get under her skin to see what’s beloe her resting bitch face but I’ll try my best

She’s a very caring person. It really doesn’t seem that way from her behaviour, but she (almost) never actually means to do anyone any harm

She’s stern in looks and speech but that’s simply because of how she presents herself. She’s a task oriented person and will not stop until said task is completed, wether you like it or not.

Her emotions (mostly her anger) get in the way of things and because of that it can sometimes look like they are more in charge of her, than she is of them. That’s not entirely true, she’s a very logical person, it’s just that she’s impatient and has a short fuse.

In fact, when she’s not speaking, she’s most likely very busy in her mind. This makes her prone to zoning out and staring in one direction (and if that direction happens to be where you’re sitting, you might get the impression she’s planning to kill you).

In that way, her and Bosnia are simmilar. They both tend to think too much and zone out, especially in conversation. I just think Herze’s better at paying attention to her surroundings at the same time, and therefore doesn’t get the „airheaded” label that her husband is often stuck with.

By the way, I would like to mention that it’s not like I consider Enis to be „stupid” and Idriza to be „Smart”, mostly because I believe both of these labels are hurtful in different ways and should not be used towards people. Rather, I think they’re different from eachother and thats part of why I like them so much.

Back to Herze, her ability to focus on more than one thing at a time, coupled with her tendency to speak fast makes her witty in words, often snapping back at her conversation partner.

On Top of that, she’s snarky, sarcastic, and brutally honest.

Probably one of her biggest flaws is the fact that she simply does not care about the feelings of whoever she’s talking with. Winning an argument is more important than how the person is gonna feel.

She also doesn’t care about what others feel about her.

Contrary to someone like Tatjana, who’s very self concious about other people’s opinion of her, herze just… doesn’t.

The two last headcanons may potentially result from her being slightly narcissistic.

That doesn’t mean she’s a completely cold and heartless person - earlier I mentioned she cares about others and one of the ways she shows it is through her love language, which is acts of service.

And speaking of love language: it’s time to talk about her relationship with Bos.

I’ll start by saying, that even though I mentioned I won’t be adressing historical events, I stated in an earlier post that I headcanon Enis and Idriza got married while they were under the Ottoman empire, aka living with uncle Turkey.

They were both teenagers, being physically around 16 or 17, and before that, they didn’t really have any relationship besides „that boy is so loud, I don’t like him” and „that girl is so mean, I don’t like her”.

And when they got married it was mostly the same. Sure, they lived together, but they weren’t interested in eachother.

It was pretty…akward for the both of them, and it took a long time for them to even get along, and an even longer time to open up to eachother.

In current times their relationship is much different. They still don’t always get along, but now it’s less: „that boy is so loud” and more: „he’s so cheerful and funny”. Likewise, she is no longer: „that girl is so mean”, and more: „she is so confident and open about her thoughts”.

Living so long made them not only appreceate eachother, but also be able to understand the other person like no one else. Often instead of speaking, they simply exchange knowing looks.

For Herze, Enis has both the ability to calm her down in most situations, just as well as make her mad in literally 2 seconds. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

And now to talk about „the product of their love” (not really).

This is a tough one, because I have to talk about a headcanon I avoided talking about, but whatever I don’t care anymore.

Herze loves children. Babies to be specific. And one of my headcanons is that she always wanted one, but being a nation (I see you sitting in the back saying she’s a region not a nation and I do not care lol) of course, she can’t have one.

I feel like it’s that way for many nations, where they desire something that only humans can have - aging, children, falling in love and spending your life with them, a peaceful death etc.

And she just has baby fever.

That’s mostly why, I think she actually could potentially Love srpska. He’s not „hers”, and he can be a handful, but neither she, nor Bos resent him.

Like with Enis, she mostly shows it through actions, rather than words.

It’s simmilar on Ilija’s side too, she’s his mom and there’s no debate over it. He even calls her that, while he calls Enis by his name.

I also feel like with Bos - Srpska always denies him being his dad because he believes Vuk is his father, but with Herze? There’s no one else for him to choose from, really. And I think he doesn’t want to choose. After all, she takes good care of him.

But more on that in the next post about herze-mom-headcanons :DD

Lastly, I wanna talk about her… brother? Cousin?? I don’t even know. We’re gonna call Dražen her brother because thats my headcanon.

She definetly cares a lot about him. Is it onesided? Maybe, but Cro would probably never tell her she annoys him sometimes, even though thats how he feels.

I honestly think they were just closer when they were young, and little herze definetly idealized her big brother, so whatever admiration she has for him today is just what’s left of those times.

Because of that, even in present times, she treats him differently than others, having that little part that deeply respects him, she almost never raises her voice at him, or complain about something he Did.

So…. I think that’s all I wanted to say about her :))

Thank you so much for this ask anon, hope you and everyone else enjoyed the read.

#yugotalia #hetalia #aph herzegovina #bosherze #hetalia world stars #aph bosnia #balkantalia #aph croatia #yugotalia srpska #yaox realness

[deludedfantasy]

Trimax Vol 5 Ch 1-3

These first few chapters have emotionally devastated me in new and unfathomable ways and I am not calm about it.

Ch1

Flashback time! Vash is just having a good time, playing with some kids and being a general goofball. I love seeing Vash like this, it’s a side of him we haven’t gotten the chance to see often…but it’s sobering to realize that this is all happening in July. And that the reason we haven’t seen him like this is because after July, he was never quite so carefree again, both because he was on the run and because of the guilt of what he’d done, even if he couldn’t remember all of it.

Side note: he actually has a job! In a kitchen! I don’t know why, but there’s something really heart-warming to me about the idea of Vash being a good cook. He just wants to take care of people!

These people love him and care about him! But it’s so painful because they’re all dead, and to Vash, it’s always going to be his fault. Their blood will always be on his hands. 

I think this might be the first time that we’ve seen pain actually bring Vash to his knees. It says a lot about him that he can push through any kind of physical pain, but it’s the emotions kind—the guilt, the grief—that overtakes him. But it’s Meryl, the fact that she’s in danger and he needs to save her, that brings him back to his feet and keeps him going.

Are Midvalley and Hoppred collaborating against Zazie to further their own plans? Dundundun, betrayal within the Gung Ho Guns! 

I barely understood this bit the first time I read it, but the second time through (and I assume with the Overhaul translation), it’s insane to realize that Midvalley basically sucked the noise out of a space to allow Hoppred to attack Zazie unseen and unheard. Like…that’s insane! I’m with Hoppred on this one, it’s basically magic.

Ahhh, Meryl is not doing very well :(

Ch2

I have so, so many questions that I know I’ll never get answers to. What happened to Hoppred that he’s like that? Who is this woman? Why does he care so much about her? Is she his wife, his daughter, his sister, something else? What happened to her? It torments me. 

Also, it’s nuts that Wolfwood is completely blind from Midvalley’s attack and he’s still on his feet and actually fighting with a pretty good level of accuracy. 

Midvalley straight up calling Wolfwood a demon, as if the two of them aren’t similar at all. Actually, it’s interesting to see how other people talk about Wolfwood, calling him a demon and inhuman vs how Vash talks about him, who always emphasizes his humanity. 

I love this panel of Wolfwood, with the white eyes and the looming black shape of him. It’s the perfect reflection of Midvalley’s dialogue and his view of Wolfwood. A demon, indeed.

Argh, the tension in these pages! Vash not hearing Meryl’s warning! Midvalley concentrating so hard he doesn’t see Wolfwood advancing on him! 

YES GO MILLY! MILLY TO THE RESCUE!!!

All I can say about Vash’s situation is ouch. 

Oh my God, it’s a saxophone gun.

Ch3

Midvalley calls Wolfwood a traitor and he doesn’t know just how right he is…or will be. It’s interesting that Knives didn’t let anyone else in on his orders to Wolfwood, except Legato and that was only recently. So he’s literally having one of his Gung Ho Guns kill the other ones to torture Vash. That’s some truly diabolical shit right there.

Wolfwood fighting completely blind, only using what I have to assume is his superhuman hearing, is so badass. He shields Milly even though she’s behind him and he can’t see shit and he can’t actually see where Midvalley is either. It’s insane.

OHHHHHH. First appearance of angel Vash!!! My beloved!!! 

Interesting! Vash also sprouted/shed feathers in July. I don’t remember him doing that at Fifth Moon.

Is Vash projecting his memories at Hoppred? I didn’t catch that on my first read through! Vash’s telepathic Plant powers are so interesting. This is like a step up from projecting his emotions onto the whole room from his fight with the Puppetmaster. 

The paneling is a little unclear so I can’t tell if Knives hit Vash or if he knocked him over telepathically. Either way, he knocked him out so he could experiment on him and that is many levels of fucked up. I can’t get over how horrifying that must be for Vash. He’s had his bodily autonomy taken away from him so many times, by Knives especially, and now he remembers that he had him experimented on.

Also, so interesting to me that Vash didn’t know about the existence of his powers for such a long time. I don’t know enough to say if he was outright denying the Plant side of himself, but he certainly seemed a lot more focused on being human. Meanwhile, Knives dove deep into the study of it, spending the years Vash was wandering mastering his powers. The irony of course being that Vash seems to be much, much more powerful than him. 

The entire sequence leading up to the destruction of July is masterfully done. I don’t really know what to say. It’s heart-rending. Knives is trying to show Vash what he really is, and he succeeds, sort of. Not in proving that humanity doesn’t care about him and that loving them is pointless, but that Vash is a weapon? That he isn’t human and never will be? Definitely. No wonder Vash forgets all of this. No wonder he throws himself into danger more and more often to protect people after this. He’s trying to prove Knives (and himself, to a certain extent) wrong.

I might be interpreting this wrong too, but I think Knives lost control of Vash here. He wasn’t strong enough to hold all that power back and neither was Vash. So it exploded and destroyed a city, and supposedly Knives as well (at least temporarily). 

Not me interpreting this scene completely incorrectly because I’m in denial :). Thank you to the lovely Tumblr user who emotionally devastated me by pointing out that Vash didn’t accidentally unleash his power, he was trying to kill Knives. He was so angry and enraged by what Knives was saying to him that he unleashed the angel arm, destroying July in the process. I think the problem is that after watching Stampede and the way they framed the destruction of July as Vash doing everything he could to save the city and then failing, I had a hard time reading this scene and realizing that this is not the case at all here. In a way, it was still a mistake. Vash didn’t mean to take the whole city down with him. But he did. And there was nothing selfless about his actions. Now there’s blood on his hands because he pulled the trigger. He’s destroyed Rem’s ideals and his entire idea of who he is and what he stands for. No wonder he forgets.

#trigunbookclub #trigun

[not-my-final-account]

WARNING: mentions of self harm, mentions of sexual harrasment, this is a vent it isn’t going to be light it’s a trauma dump.

You know those things on Redit? Am I the asshole? I’d like to share mine: threatening my brother

Anyone else and I would’ve felt bad. I mean really, what moral person threatens their brother? Oh, I’m sorry, my brother died earlier this year, he may still be breathing but what ever brother I used to have, what ever kindness was left in him has died out.

I threatened him to make his life hell, why you ask? Because I love to sing, in the past three or so years not a day has gone bye where I haven’t at least hummed. And my brother (who has dedicated his life to annoying me, his words not mine) screams when ever I sing, or even hum.

He doesn’t have any disorders or anything like that which would make my singing bad for him, and I know it can be annoying so I purposely make my voice quieter than my normal speaking tone, and he is only two years younger than me, yet when I sing he screams.

It isn’t the first time either. Just the other day he threw a tantrum (hitting the ground and all) because mum wouldn’t go downstairs and carry his blanket upstairs for him.

My brother learned about this after my father died, everyone was exhausted and caught up in grief and to be heard you had to be loud. So he screamed. We figured it was a phase, it’s been a difficult time he deserved to be a little not okay, well that was years ago. He’s still screaming and he is a spoiled brat, sure I may be spoiled too but I’m not a brat about it, I say please and thank you (I apologised to a table for bumping into it the other day and thanked my ipad when it worked right, this might be a disorder but oh well) and do things myself when I can. I work hard in school and I focus on breaking up bad habits unless I am drop dead exhausted.

He however is a brat about it, he literally started crying in the car because mum wouldn’t let him check his snap chat. He said that mum made his life the worst it could possibly be and when he says that stuff it hits a nerve on me (he was barely even old enough to understand when dad died and I never had a support system because I hid my emotions, I contemplated self harm and sometimes couldn’t eat for days and who has the bad life?) so I said ‘some people have really bad lives and actual problems, be grateful for what you have.’ and guess which lucky girl had to put up with being screamed at, that’s right, me -luckily the view from the window wasn’t so bad so I just tuned him out.

Here have a dairy entry to showcase another example of his spolied brat personality:

‘We’re at a hotel and I’m glad we’re leaving first thing tommorow. My bed doesn’t have a head rest so I move to mums, -brothers name- is sitting on the other side of the bed and I think it won’t be an issue. He gets mad even though I’m at least two feet away from him and sitting on a wet spot (water he spilled) so I wouldn’t be closer to him, he gets mad mum won’t do anything and turns around and starts kicking me, I tell mum, she does nothing, i put up with it, that’s the cycle around here, it’s why -brothers name- is an entitled jerk (all I wanted was a headrest and a place to lie down or I would’ve staying in my bed or on the couch, he wanted the whole bed). Soon I get annoyed(he even says it’s a tick! Which he doesnt have and he’s trying to cash out on other peoples real problems, it isn’t the first time he’s done this.) so I kick back, same thing he’s doing, and he starts screaming, mum tells both of us off. She tells us off because -brothers name- was screaming, I don’t scream to get her attention because I know she has enough to deal with already, it wouldn’t be better if I screamed, the punishment would overule the satisfaction. And a few minutes later -brothers name- appologises and he’s forgiven.

Lets recap: i just want a bed rest, -brothers name- starts kicking me, I do the same thing he’s been doing, -brothers name- screams (and doesn’t get in trouble for screaming), we both get in trouble, -brothers name- gets forgiven, -brothers name- doesn’t stop.’

This is pretty much an occurrence every second day and I hate to say that I’m used to it.

A whole other issue I have with him is that he’s on Tic Tok -not even the good side of Tic Tok- and he bases his whole personality around it. I could and can put up with the barely understandable sayings, I can put up with the adult jokes even if they make me squirm, I can deal with his entitled-ness, I can deal with how he doesn’t understand nor care for the real world, I can deal with his hate. I cannot deal with however, my own brother calling me sexy, yes you read that right, sexy. I walk from the shower to my room (fully covered up with a towl) and he says I’ve got a nice body. I’m wearing a skirt and he says I’ve got a good ass and he smacks it. None of this in a kind way either, I’ve told him about how much I hate it and told him to stop and he never does.

He’s even done things to hurt without meaning to, a couple of ones are: he has stolen my friends because he likes hanging out with older girls, he has pulled all the attention away from me because he was loud with his pain where I was quite and also mentally so, SO much worse than him but no one noticed, he has acted like an angel in front of everyone else so no one understands why I hate him, and that’s just off the top of my head. Unfortunately, unlike him I have a soul so I don’t hold him guilty for theses things, even if they make me despise him slightly more.

But! This is what really takes the cake for me, this is why I was pushed so far I threatened him:

I was willing to give him a second chance even with all this, because that’s what I believe in, but he is on his hundredth chance and even if one day he does change I will not know as I am not setting myself up for that mistake again. It was my breaking point when he brought up the singing, I mentioned this right? I do okay level singing (I could make it so much worse trust me), he screams, I get punished and told I’m not aloud to sing? Doesn’t seem fair does it? Well I don’t think so either, I’ve had enough! So I go to mum, present this issue (keep in mind here that I’m ready to deal with a whole lot of hell, but stopping my singing was one step too far), expect results, and she never does anything. I kept bringing it up multiple times and it gets to the point where whenever my brother says something about my singing I remind mum of my reasons and why singing is reasonable, and after ages of doing this, I finally got results, mum said she’d think about it, and she seemed to mean it! So when my brother tried to ruin this to me, I waited until we were alone and told him if he didn’t let me sing I would make his life hell. Was this a bit harsh? Yes. Was it warranted? Double yes. Besides, even if I had to resort to this (this was one of my last options) I would never be able to make it anything close to near the level of hell that he’s put me through.

So yes I threatened my brother, and no I don’t regret it. If you think I’m the bad guy in this story please inform me in the comments so I can block you ❤️

#vent #me! #me! but sad