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plutoslvr · 1 year

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Okay so in my last Kevin post, I mentioned I have analysis' on how Kevin isn't a coward and how his trauma still affects him and you guys wanted to read it so here!

Why Kevin Day Isn’t a Coward:

Essentially this comes down to 3 specific points in the fandom and even in the books since people are very adamant about the whole coward thing. The two things that people (in book and fandom-wise) use to argue that Kevin is a coward are:

Kevin is still afraid/ doesn’t stand up to Riko

That he left Jean behind in the nest.

Starting off with the first point. Kevin is still afraid and doesn’t stand up to Riko for the majority of the books. Firstly, we need to understand that Kevin has been abused from an extremely young age in the Nest and was conditioned into thinking that kind of behaviour was normal. And by that I mean specifically Riko’s abuse but before that, it was Coach Moriyama that abused both of them.

He was stuck in the Nest for over a decade where his only role was “property” the entire time. That was all he would ever be to them and additionally to that, he wasn’t even allowed to be better than Riko. His entire life from the very start has been about exy but it was only after his mothers death where it became life or death.

During tfc when Neil finds out how Kevin’s hand really broke Wymack says “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it."

He wasn’t raised to have anything else, exy is quite literally his everything, and without it, he has nothing and nobody. In this same scene, Wymack says, “Kevin doesn't talk about his time at Evermore, but I could tell it wasn't the first time Riko or Moriyama laid a hand on him. It was just the first time Kevin was smart enough to pack his bags and walk away.”

We never find out in detail what exactly happened to Kevin in the Nest but in TRK when Neil goes there we can see how deluded and obsessed Riko is with Kevin.

Neil moved up alongside him and regretted it almost immediately. Postcards of faraway cities both foreign and domestic were taped to the walls. Beneath each one were scraps of paper. Kevin's now-familiar scrawl listed dates and explanations for the travels. Most of them were games. Some indicated photo shoots and interviews. Books lined the shelves built into the headboard and Neil knew from skimming the spines they were Kevin's. Kevin was majoring in history for reasons Neil couldn't understand; these dry titles were the sorts of things he would find fascinating. It gave Neil chills to see his space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he'd transferred to another team entirely.

Riko is so sure that Kevin is going to come back to him because he’s instituted such fear into him, he doesn’t think Kevin has the strength to stand up to him. Which he does, but people don’t seem to realise you can’t undo over a decade's worth of trauma overnight.

Anyway, during Neil’s time in the Nest, he’s treated very similarly to how Kevin would be considering he was in his place but also not as harsh because they had to send Neil back to the Foxes inevitably.

"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin."

What follows this is Riko tying Neil down and torturing him with a switchblade. By the time Neil leaves the Nest he doesn’t remember anything from the experience- he was so traumatised by it that he doesn’t remember it at all. (It also kinda sucks how Neil gets more sympathy for being in the nest for 2 weeks than Kev did for being there for over a decade.)

Putting this into perspective, Kevin went through that for so much longer and doesn’t get nearly enough of the same sympathy Neil did. Neil returned and Kevin got punched for letting him go even though he tried persuading Neil not to. Kevin has always had Neil’s best interest at heart.

Kevin shook his head and bulled on when Neil started to argue. "The master wants to salvage you. He's going to sign you to the Raven lineup in spring. So long as you keep quiet and keep your head down he won't tell the main family he's found you." "I'm not a Raven," Neil said. "I never will be." "Then run," Kevin insisted, low and frantic. "It's the only way you'll survive."

Kevin was willing to sacrifice the only chance he had to prove his autonomy to the Moriyamas if it meant Neil would be safe. Without Neil, they wouldn’t have enough players to qualify and they wouldn’t be able to play at all. (Again: “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it.")

Not to mention the whole “Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in Neil's potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.

And even after that, he promised to teach Neil, because at the end of the day, Neil was still Neil and he never gave up on him once.

And Neil understood that being on the run for 8 years was more preferable to the Nest.

“But all Neil had to do was look at Kevin to know he would have hated that life

too.”

Sorry I kinda went off track there anyway we can also see how much Riko’s presence still affects Kevin especially in scenes like the Kathy Ferdinand show.

“Any animosity Neil felt toward Kevin for forcing him onto this show evaporated. He couldn't be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil's father was to him. Petty anger had nothing on this full-fledged terror.”

Obviously, we all know what a dickhead Neil’s dad was to him so Neil comparing the fear of his father being similar to Kevin’s fear of Riko is so important because it just puts into perspective how afraid Kevin is here face-to-face with his abuser the first time since said abuser permanently disabled him.

But what I don’t think is that Kevin has been standing upto Riko since the start because right after this when they were backstage, Kevin physically stopped Riko from hurting Neil even if it meant getting hurt by Riko again.

A black look twisted Riko's expression into something ugly and unrecognizable. He reached for Neil, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin's face without missing a beat.

This scene is probably the best to describe how downright afraid Kevin is of Riko but there are others when Kevin has multiple panic attacks at just the thought of Riko or being in the same vicinity as him and rightfully so! Riko abused him, manipulated him and then took away the only thing he had. And Kevin was just forced to think this was okay.

And a lot of characters and fans see his fear as cowardice instead of a normal trauma response. This is also because Neil tends to speak out more against Riko than Kevin (You know I get it…) but unlike Neil, Kevin has had direct repercussions towards him for the “mistake” of talking back to Riko which of course makes him hesitant.

He knows the Moriyamas could drag him back at any moment and he's terrified of that happening.

Which leads to the second bit of “Kevin doesn’t stand up to Riko.” when many times, he has.

The most prominent example is in TRK, just after the foxes lost their first match to the ravens.

“You have fallen so far, Kevin. You should have stayed down and saved us the trouble of forcing you back to your knees." "I'm satisfied," Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him. They forgot about Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. "Not with their score or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more than enough here for me to work with."

Kevin chose the foxes over the ravens- over Riko. He doesn’t allow their loss to become something Riko can use against him but instead something to affirm his current standing with them. This is also the first game Andrew played without his meds meaning he’s crashed by the end of it.

Kevin distracted the Ravens from Andrew's unsteadiness by facing them.

Kevin willingly turned to talk to his ex-abuser and his team if it meant Andrew wouldn’t be under fire. Most people only see Kevin and Andrew as Andrew protecting Kevin but Kevin protected Andrew just as much.

And of course we have the whole tattoo removal and the last exy match against the foxes but I need everyone to understand that those are so so so important. Kevin spent the entire series save the last quarter of the last book viewing himself as Riko’s property. Riko refers to him as such and even without Riko near him, his control is still strong over Kevin.

So Kevin removing his tattoo and replacing it with something with a higher hierarchical structure than Riko’s status as king is so detrimental, it’s a turning point for him because he’s viewing himself as his own person now. And Kevin scoring the winning goal brings us full circle because the last time he did that with Riko, he ended up disabled and shunned.

This brings me to my second point about Kevin running away from the nest. Alot of people see Kevin escpaing from the nest and leaving behind Jean as an act of cowardice. This bit gets a bit complicated because in no way shape or form am I trying to compare trauma’s or anything like that.

But to continue on. The ravens had a very strict policy that we got to see during Neil's experience one of which being that no matter how injured they were, they were still expected to show up to practice. The more mistakes they made the more punishment they'd find themselves in. Not showing was practically a death wish.

Now Kevin having his hand fucking broken would mean thay either he doesn't practise and get punished or practise with his fucked up hand and further damage it. If he stayed I wholeheartedly believe he would've died.

He ran away to save his life and that will never be cowardice not once. He didn't go to Wymack immediately when he found out because he knew what kind of target he'd paint on Wymacks back.

"He was trying to protect him," Neil said. "If Coach knew Kevin was his son, he'd have tried to take him from Edgar Allan." Nicky grimaced. "They'd have never let Kevin go."

He only left when he had no other option. He had nothing left, the one thing he did have was taken away from him, he had no purpose and for once Riko didn't care enough about him to pay attention. And he used that to run.

Leaving Jean behind was something he always regretted, but it was a game of survival. Jean was a gift to the Moriyamas, he was also property to them and couldn't leave. And if the roles were reversed I strongly believe Jean would've done the same thing.

Also Kevin finds a place for him layer with the trojans because he knew that being a fox wouldn't be good for him.

"He isn't safe with us," Kevin said. "I won't give him false hope."

Staying in the nest would've been suicide for Kevin. He's one of the biggest victims in the series but nobody talks about it enough I fear and there's so much to learn about him via context clues etc.

And the saddest thing in my opinion is that Kevin knew was it was like to be loved, he was raised by his mother for a few years before going to the Moriyamas.

ANYWAY to conclude, I suck at essays and I hope I've worded everything well and what I'm trying to say gets across. Kevin is not a coward, never has been a coward and never will be. He's survived through such a damaging and abusive environment only to get moved to a separate environment where everyone just ridicules his defense tactics and he has no real sense of support.

His reasons for what he does always stems from the fact the he doesn't want to go back to being under Riko and Coach Moriyamas "care" and that he's afraid. And most of the time it's things he can't shake from the nest.

Like when he pushes the foxes its so they're always at their best and so none of them get hurt or punished for mistakes. He pushed himself the hardest because he doesn't want to directly affect his teammates.

Or the celebrity persona he was forced to develop.

Or how he makes sure everyone is staying healthy and that they don't force themselves to play when sick or injured because he knows what it's like to be forced to play like that day after day.

AND IVE GONE OFF COURSE AGAIN yeah I kinda mashed together both analysis' of how Kevin's trauma from the nest affects him and how he's not a coward into one thing AND THIS IS SUPER LONG so if ur still here thank you very much for reading I really hope this makes sense

#kevin days defense lawyer right here #this is the longest thing ive ever posted on tumblr #aftg #kevin day #aftg kevin #neil josten #aftg neil #andrew minyard #matt boyd #aftg series #aftg andrew #andriel #kandreil #kevneil #kandrew #david wymack #riko moriyama #FUCK HIM #jean moreau

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sandersea · 7 months

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coach!neil au

i will (probably) never flesh this out further but please enjoy this au that has been living rent free in my head since 2016:

after the butcher cuts the tendons in Neil’s ankles, he laughs. he laughs as Neil crawls his way across the floor, already bloodied fingers leaving streak marks against the cement. no one laughs as Neil drags himself from the house, when he refuses any of the offered help.

the hospital sends him home in a wheelchair, and he refuses to leave the building until he’s shoved it down a flight of stairs. he’s only been out of surgery for twelve hours, only been out of bed for six, but he signs himself out AMA and orders them to give him a pair of crutches. sitting down in that wheelchair feels too much like he’s got a future there.

the FBI tells him he has twenty minutes with the foxes, and it takes him eleven of those to climb the single flight of stairs to their room. they tell him ‘starting now’ at the door, awkwardly, and he snarls in their face that he doesn’t need their pity.

it’s not Andrew who has him collapsing to his knees in the hotel room, but exhaustion. he faces the foxes the same way he first met them - doubled over, scrabbling for his dignity against the floor, fighting the urge to vomit. (this time Andrew is not the one who knocks him down, but he is the one who picks him up.)

the horror in their eyes isn’t just at the mess that is his face or his arms or the haunted look in his expression, but the way his legs are shaking, spasming, and even with the surgeries they just aren’t moving the way they’re supposed to.

the first week with the crutches, Neil’s legs collapse beneath him like a puppet with its strings cut. after that, he can’t get around without the wheelchair.

they still play the ravens in the finals, but they don’t have the fastest defenseman in division i anymore. they do, however, still have Neil. it’s Neil who notices the way Matt is limping. the way Riko is weaving through the backliners like they’re not even there. it’s Neil who makes the call to sub a few players out - Matt joins him on the bench. Kevin takes his place in front of the goal. they don’t have the fastest defenseman in division i anymore, but they have the best player in the country, and the man who knows riko’s moves better than anyone. they leave the foxes with barely anything in the way of offense, and focus entirely on defense. Kevin guards the goal like his life depends on it.

(it does.)

they don’t win the game, but they don’t lose. the buzzer sounds with the score still tied. Neil wheels himself to center court for the final shootout and gets as close to Riko as he can. Riko grins like he’s already won. he might not have orchestrated this injury, but it’s everything he could have wanted anyway. Neil grins in return, and throws the fact that Neil and Kevin and Jean belong to the main family now. that Riko can’t touch them without bringing his own brother’s wrath down on the nest like a bomb. that even if he wins this game, he’s lost everything. Riko turns on him, anger consuming rational thought, and raises his arm with the intention to kill.

(Andrew gets there first.)

the only thing that changes is that Neil never walks again.

the future he sold to Ichirou in exchange for his life never comes to be - instead, he pays off his debts as the new coach of the ravens (you said it yourself, Ichirou throws in his face as he all but throws him from the car. it’s been 14 months since the surgery but his legs still can’t support his weight. a professional player can make seven figures a year for my family. you turned the foxes into champions, now you will do it for the ravens.)

he says no.

Andrew says yes. (you are a fox, he says desperately against Neil’s neck, and I am still the man who is keeping you alive.)

the same team he is told to lead is the team that lost to him only weeks before. the team that tried and failed to break him at christmas. the team that stands kingless, toppled, teetering at the brink of total destruction. the team that resents him. the team that can’t respect him, the cripple who calls himself their new coach. the team that refuses to listen. the team that has been turned, brainwashed, the team that reacts to his humanity like a poison.

the only thing that keeps him in black and red is the way that it’s not just his life anymore - the deal was for the three of them, Neil and Kevin and Jean, and then Andrew offered himself as a fourth. it’s hardly the first time he’s walked into evermore for his family. (but this time, it may be the last.)

Andrew turns his back on his brother and cousin and every promise that tied him to south carolina and transfers to edgar allen, like he was originally meant to. it’s one final victory against Riko’s memory. (no one is surprised to see him leave. if anything, they’re surprised that he pretends to be reluctant about it.)

the following season the ravens play the foxes and it’s the most painful day of his life - he sends his team to the court opposite his family, and he knows a hundred different ways to exploit their weaknesses (he mentions none of them). the seven original foxes refuse to play (they’ve been telling him they were going to for weeks now. the one thing that doesn’t change is that he is still a fox, and they see each other at least once a week. talk once a day. it’s not the same). he has to wheel his way to the opposing team’s locker room that still feels like home and drag them back onto the court. they go, but they don’t play their best - all these times that Neil has thrown himself on a grenade for them, it’s all too easy for them to throw the game. it’s not USC who wins that year, but the ravens.

the next season it’s easier. they’ve got new players who never knew Riko’s regime, and older players who are coming to see that there’s just as much winning to be found with Neil’s way of thinking. it’s still never going to be home.

the next season, it’s not terrible anymore. the ravens are slowly learning how to play it as a game and not a battlefield, how to be humans again. they play the foxes and the foxes win. (the ravens don’t throw the game, but they act as leaderless. Neil still won’t coach them against his people)

the season after that, he thinks he might be enjoying himself. the ravens are allowed to study whatever they want now, to make friends. the ones who were there during Riko still act like they used to, but the younger players are happy. they don’t put on their uniforms like they’re going to war. they don’t fear death if they don’t win. (most of the time, they do win. Neil drives them through the same drills he learned as a raven, the ones he learned from Kevin, and he still reads the people around him like he’s living on the run. the saddest part is that he’s a hell of a coach, and that he genuinely enjoys what he does - he just wishes it was a different team he led.)

the original foxes have finally all graduated. Matt and Kevin and Andrew make court, and 70% of their earnings go directly into the Moriyama’s pockets. 86% of all of Neil’s graduates make it to the pros, and a portion of theirs come back as well.

Andrew signs with the West Virginia team. Matt does too. Dan takes over when Wymack retires, and she and Neil get together as often as they can to discuss their teams and the sport and their lives over lunch.

now when the foxes are seated across from the ravens at the banquets, there’s smiling and laughter. the foxes are still taken from broken homes and the ravens still practice longer hours than any other college team, but they’ve found a common friendship on the court. (and it helps, now, that Dan calls out the raven weaknesses as loudly as Neil does for the foxes. it’s impossible for their games to be anything but friendly when Neil wears an orange jersey that reads WILDS 01 and Dan wears the long forgotten black and red JOSTEN 04.)

evermore is the seat of the national team as well, and for a period of months every year he’s yelling at Kevin and Thea and Matt to haul their asses, he’s not here to watch them lose. the original foxes (and their spouses and children) splay across the seats in the raven lounge and make it feel more like home than it already does. Andrew makes the short drive from their apartment to the court like he does nearly every day, but this time to play instead of to sit beside the coach and offer unsolicited advice.

it’s nothing he ever wanted, but it’s still his life, and he’s still okay. the foxes are still his family and they’re still alive, they’re just a little bit farther away than he would have liked. he still spends the rest of his life in the sport he loves and he still makes a name for himself as one of the best, it’s just in a different position than he thought. he still has a home and two cats and a life with Andrew, it’s just in a different state.

even in this world where everything goes wrong, Neil does what he does best - he survives.

#my writing #aftg #aftg fanfic #aftg au #neil josten

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lizandreil · 2 years

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to those who claim that exy is the most important thing in neil’s life: you are wrong.

while i do agree that in the beginning on the foxhole court neil only cared about exy, his priorities change as the books go.

first of all, neil already chose andrew over exy once when they were barely anything to each other.

neil almost ran when riko murdered seth. who made him stay? andrew. not exy and a chance to play it as much as he can before he has to run again and face his inevitable death. it was andrew and his promise of a home and protection even though neil knew andrew couldn’t protect him from his father.

you seem to forget that neil went to EVERMORE just to get a chance to protect andrew, are you kidding me? he saw a chance to save andrew even though andrew never asked him for protection and took it, knowing damn well what riko can and will do to him. he literally told andrew he wouldn’t just let andrew deal with everything by himself if it means losing him.

and then again, after waymack tells him he wants neil to be vice captain next year, neil panics and runs. and then, in the middle of his panic attack, he subconsciously calls andrew and asks him to come and get him. HELLO??? my brain still cant register it actually happened.

he might not even realize it himself, but his focus from exy shifts to andrew (and yeah, the rest of the foxes) and it stays there. when he was with lola and saying goodbye to neil josten, he was thinking about the foxes and their smiles, then briefly throwing a line about exy balls. the literal last thing he does before saying goodbye is tracing the outline of a key into his injured palm. the same keys andrew have him. (i died several times at this part and cried my eyes out).

he could’ve gotten into witpro, live somewhere far away and play exy there, but he asks to stay. tells andrew that he will leave if andrew tells him to, but asks to stay with the foxes, with andrew, and be neil josten. and once again andrew tells him to stay and be neil abram josten when he asks if he really can be him.

and once he realizes his feeling for andrew? oh boy. neil might not understand how normal relationships work because he has never seen an example of one, but don’t tell me his single-track mind wouldn’t focus solely on andrew, pushing everything and everyone behind. he loves him dearly (fight me nora), was willing to get tortured by riko when there wasn’t anything between them, and you are telling him he wouldn’t choose him over exy when there’s this thing between them? the one andrew stopped denying? he abso fucking lutely would.

and don’t get me wrong, i don’t mean it in a way that he doesn’t care about exy anymore, he does obviously, his life literally depends on it, but if before it was exy, then andrew and the foxes, now it’s andrew. the foxes. exy.

also little thing i’ve been thinking about: neil was trying to fix the foxes’ relationships. he actually made andrew and aaron go to therapy together. in my opinion, so andrew would’ve had someone who isn’t scared of him and understands him once neil vanishes. BECAUSE NEIL WAS QUITE LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS EVER UNDERSTOOD ANDREW SO EFFORTLESSLY AND NEVER WAS SCARED OF HIM. it hurts so good.

he cares about andrew so much the thought of choosing exy over him wouldn’t even cross his mind. he would choose a weekend away with andrew in columbia over practice with kevin. after andrew graduates, neil would drop everything and flight out to andrew if he needs him.

i need to re-read the entire series to add more details into this because my brain knows i missed a lot of things. but even without remembering all of it, it’s clear that andrew is first for neil at everything, and i will fight anyone who disagrees.

#all for the game #aftg series #the foxhole court #neil josten #andrew minyard #aftg andrew #neil x andrew #aftg neil #andreil #i should be sleeping #who needs sleep anyway #fight me #he loves him #they are in love

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frizzy-frizz-frizz · 1 year

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I wanted to copy and paste my fave bits of what you said about kevjean but all of its amazing and I love it "kevin and jean are so intrinsically tied together, they know each other first and foremost." Kill me now jesus christ "kevin had to leave and jean couldnt." Literally just stab me in the chest "that is where the song ends almost as abruptly as the books" im screaming???? I literally did not think of this but you're so right oh my god let me go listen to this song again right now

"Also is it just me or does it feel like neil josten, 'demisexual who never really understood his own attraction' is listening to this while making a kevin day binder on the run" you've honest to god read my mind that's exactly what I'm associating when I listen to the song. His obsession and jealously and the binder and if one of them had to make it he wanted it to be kevin. Also "I can't dare to dream about you anymore" him on the run for sure but also when both of them thought neil was going to be dead by the end of the year

"oh to be a random exy fan in the aftg universe." Honestly the edits ppl would make would be incredible

"NEIL REMEMBERING WHAT KEVIN WAS LIKE AS A KID" BABE YOU GET ME THIS IS SO IT "known for who you know, you know you'll always know me" kevin being the one thing from his past that he wanted to keep that he was still attached to. Also the song reminds of the name of the game by dayurno (it killed and revived me) and Neil just watching Kevin's game in chapter 2 and just fucking marvelling over him

BELIEVE?? The way he has so much faith in Neil and Andrew the way he sees so much potential in them and insists on dragging it out

THROUGH THE GHOST?? "ITS SO KEVIN" You're so right tho the world will never know him like he knows himself him looking at his past self not being able to recognise himself anymore it's all so good

Also I know I said I've never considered nothing new with him in mind but now that I have him in mind it's just "HOW DOES A PERSON KNOW EVERYTHING AT 18 BUT NOTHING AT 22" ALSKSK "WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WAS NOTHING NEW???" MY GOD

I adore him to primadonna I've always thought the song was so him and I'm glad for the agreement "all I wanted was the world" "the rise the fall" "you say that I'm kinda difficult" "I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal though" LIKE HELLO IT WORKS SO WELL

ALSO I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY TEARS RICHOCHET "And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home" Kevin directly after leaving the nest??? Or directly after joing it "And you're the hero flying around, saving face" the ravens pretending it was a skiing accident??? "You turned into your worst fears" Honestly there are a couple of ppl that could be referring to

TEEN IDLE "The pretty lies the ugly truth And the day has come where I have died Only to find I've come alive" him leaving the nest thinking his life was over to everything that came after

You'd be paranoid too is a song I've literally never heard of but jesus christ "I learned to live with these eyes in my closet Hands in my pockets Alone but surrounded" growing up famous?? In the nest?? ALONE BUT SURROUNDED???

Overwhelmed is literally every anxiety/panic attack scene from the books and I lost a friend kinda makes me think its about him towards riko in like a very "how did I lose a friend I never had"

God this is probably longer than the first message I'm so sorry its gotten out of hand but unfortunately I'm not done

My brain fucking perked up when it heard my alcoholic friends I have no idea why is sounds so familiar but its such a great rec I'm obsessed it fits and it's such a fun song to bop to for some reason

I'm obsessed with willow as a kandrew song kevin is so "They count me out time and time again" and "I come back stronger than a 90s trend" "Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife" HELLO "I'll meet you after dark" night practice??? "Show me the places where the others gave you scars" That one fucking scene where Andrew takes his left hand and checks it over I can't deal

This is me trying is so very very Kevin it's hard to just pick a singular line. ALSO Liquid Smooth LIQUID SMOOTH

Anyway I think this is longer than the last ask lmao

i dont mind at all that this is longer than the first message. in fact i am ECSTATIC. im so glad you're liking the playlist, its the BEST feeling

the kevjean dynamic has me in a chokehold i cant stop thinking about them. i feel so validated rn FINALLY someone gets my attachment to that song

"Also "I can't dare to dream about you anymore" him on the run for sure but also when both of them thought neil was going to be dead by the end of the year" GOD and when he looks at kevin that night, kevin who wanted to give him everything the world has to offer and, "will you still teach me?" "Every night" i am DECEASED. THIS SONG. IT MAKES ME THINK OF THAT SCENE AGAIN

SAME dororthea and liability and lost remind me so much of 'the name of the game'...i should reread it again...

believe hit so close to my heart AND YEAH YOU GET IT. kevin's unflinching faith and trust in those two always astounds me. he's the kind of person who just see right through you. past the words and pretensess, right down to your core. just looks at you and sees everythinig you are. everything you could be. and THEN he tells you that you can make it. that you can do it all. he puts the world and all it offers within your reach for the first time and- OF COURSE andrew and neil are obsessed with him. and, no one had ever told them they were worth it before. these three will be the end of me i swear.

"LORD WHAT WILL BECOEM OF ME ONCE IVE LOST MY NOVELTY" YES YES EXACTLY. it so perfect. even the AGES are right.

YES my alcoholic friend s sounds so familiar and i think its cause it sounds like a marina song?? somehow?? but mostly i added it cause of the last verse, "Should I choose a noble occupation? If I did I'd only show up late and sick,

"And they would stare at me with hatred Plus my only natural talent's wasted on my alcoholic friends"

KEVIN FEELING LIKE HE'S TIED TO EXY LIKE. he will keep going back to exy. even if he got to choose to do something else, showing up late and sick, his natural talents only on display on a court.

"ALL I EVER WANTED WAS THE WORLD" YES THANK YOU its works so so well

disclaimer: you might not agree with me at all about my tears ricochet and that's totally fine, my interpretation is VERY self indulgement.

hear me out, i associate my tears ricochet with post-baltimore kandrew. specifically the fallout and the arguments and guilt and pain that followed. because not only does andrew have to earn back kevin's trust, they both have to rebuild their relationship from the ground up. SO imagine my tears ricochet as that process

"I didnt have it in myself to go with grace, cause when id fight you used to tell me i was brave" kevin is all caustic, brutal honesty. he would hurt, and he wouldn't soften the blow. but he'll always come back

"Cursing my name, wishing I stayed, you turned into your worst fears" I FIRMLY believe andrew has had some horrible horrible thoughts about being like every person who's hurt kevin. of kevin being afraid of him. he would throw all of himself into

"We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean. Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring" kevin and andrew know each other all too well. they're the only ones who can truly push each other. remember when kevin walked intllo court with a raquet in his right hand and andrew was right behind him?? When kevin made andrew TRY for the sake of it?? ('UNSTOPPABLE FORCE VS IMMOVABLE OBJECT' DYNAMIC MY DARLING)

"And you can aim for my heart, go for blood,but you would still miss me in your bones" You think after calmed down from the fear of losing neil he'd see those bruises on Kevin's throat and NOT panic?? That the thought of losing kevin wouldn't send him into a full blown panic? Bullshit. and KEVIN who after it all keeps choosing andrew, who keeps putting faith in him, WOULDN'T keep trying to rebuild?? listen those two are practically melded together okay

"and I still talk to you (when im screaming at the sky)" ANDREW ON THE ROOF

"You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same" IM SOBBING THESE TWO THEY END ME I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM

I HAVE MORE KANDREW SONGS THAT I HAVENT ADDED YET BUT I WILL

I have so many kandrew songs

I think of them too often

To be honest, I associate 'I lost a friend' to kevin and jean. specifically kevin thinking about jean and all the emotions that come with. this is, once again, about kevin running away to the foxes and jean being at the nest. BUT for extra sad you can remember all the drafts nora wrote where Jean died.

ALSO I like you thoughts on the song being about kevin and riko. riko who he was friends with once, when they were very young. who promised him they'd make court together. who got worse and worse until, soon enough, there might as well have been no trace of the boy who was kevin's friend

WILLOW KILLED ME ITS SO THEM YOU'RE SO RIGHT

"Wherever you stray, ill follow, begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans" not kevin and andrew barging into each other lives and refusing to let the sink, stubbornly staying afloat and lifting each other up. utterly craving each others plans and expectations of the future. Andrew digging his heels into the ground and yet following Kevin and he promises andrew the world and them drags him towards it

"Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind" and "Like you were a trophy or a champion ring, and there was one prize I'd cheat to win" ANDREW ABOUT KEVIN who pushes and pushes and constantly gives all he has and demands the best

"Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark, show me the places where the others gave you scars" Just. THEM. IM SOBBING

more kandrew recs:

Silence by marshmello, Im not okay by weathers, 505 by arctic monkeys, I am not a robot by marina, (twin sized mattress and lost are already on the playlist), and MOST IMPORTANTLY,

wolves without teeth by monsters and men THIS SONG IS SO. THEY ARE SO. its perfect to me.

#ask stuff #kevin #kevin playlist

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purpleshadow-star · 2 years

Text

How I feel the Foxes cry:

Dan- she's not ashamed of crying but she tries not to do it in front of others (unless they are super close to her like the Upperclassmen) because she feels like she needs to always present herself as strong and grounded. She can have fun but she doesn't like to show too much vulnerability.

Kevin- He tries to hold it back. Riko would make fun of him in the Nest for showing such weak emotions so eventually he learned how to just hold it back until he was alone, but he starts to open up more and hide less around the (original) Foxes as the years go on.

Andrew- it would take a lot to get him to actually cry, but if he got to that point, it would start put as silent tears but it would definitely turn into full out ugly sobbing because he would finally be letting all of his emotions out. He would feel out of control, and that would terrify him, leading him to sob even more with that additional fear and sometimes even leading him into a panic attack. He would make sure he was alone and he would stay alone for hours after he was finished. The only person he would allow near him would be Neil because Neil is someone who he 100% trusts and would feel absolutely safe losing control in front of.

Matt- he would cry whenever he needed to. If it's a situation where crying might make it worse, he would try to hold back, but he isn't very good at holding back tears. He cries when tears come and he isn't ashamed of it.

Aaron- he would angry cry. Like, he'll cry when he gets too emotional or something (or when something cry worthy happens) but then he'll get annoyed and angry at himself for crying. He wants to be tough and he thinks crying makes him seem weak and vulnerable, which he is not a fan of. He tries as hard as he can to hold it back in public (and he usually succeeds) but he let's it all out in private.

Allison- she cries quietly. Sometimes in front of people, but not often. She, like Dan, tries to wait until she is alone or with close friends, because she feels like she has an image to uphold. She doesn't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable. After her every move was controlled when she was a child, she can finally make her own image for herself, and she wants people to see her as strong.

Nicky- it depends on the situation. If it's a sad movie, he will bawl his eyes out no matter where he is or who is around. If it's a serious matter though, like something to do with the twins or Erik or someone he cares about, he will hold back the tears until he is relatively alone or at least until the incident has passed. Nicky is strong when he needs to be and when he knows that someone needs to rely on him to be strong. He would hold Aaron whenever he got panic attacks in high school and wait until he knew Aaron was okay before he went to his room and cried quietly for Aaron, at the unfairness of it all, making sure he couldn't be heard. He would choke back his tears everytime he realized Andrew was going through a depressive episode and he would make sure Andrew ate and drank enough until it was over, then he would let it out again. Alone. Quietly. He knows when he can just let go and when to keep it together.

Renee- very few people have ever seen her cry. She is the person everyone looks to for moral strength and peace. She does not let anyone see her lose her composure. Growing up, weakness meant pain and punishment. When she moved in with Stephanie, she was able to get in touch with her emotions again and allowed herself to be vulnerable in front of her. Now, she only let's herself let go around those closest to her, and never during an incident. This basically consists of the girls and Andrew. Not even Matt has seen her cry. She keeps herself calm and becomes a pillar of emotional support. When everyone else was crying and mourning Seth's death, she was giving dry-eyed hugs, and support. She knew it wouldn't help Allison if she lost her composure as well. If Andrew is a physical pillar of strength and security to rely on, Renee is a pillar for everything else.

Neil- Neil absolutely hates crying. Crying as a child would get him mocked and usually end in more pain when his dad or Lola decided they wanted to really give him something to cry about. As he grew older and went on the run, crying meant harsh yanks to his hair and slaps across the face to encourage him to get it together Abram, stop being so weak. He hates crying, but a lot of times, he just can't help it. When he's in extreme pain, for example. Or occasionally when he has a particularly bad panic attack or nightmare. Other times, he can control it. He pushes it back and compartmentalizes it along with whatever traumatic thoughts brought up the urge. As time goes on with the Foxes, he slowly learns that it's okay to cry sometimes. No one was going to hurt him for it anymore. He was also very surprised to find that he is awful at holding back tears associated with happy emotions. The first time Andrew refers to Neil as his boyfriend, Neil almost loses it. At Dan and Matt's wedding, as he stands in his place as Best Man, Neil is just so overwhelmingly happy for his friend. He manages to keep these tears of joy back until he is alone or with only Andrew, but they're there. They exist. The first day Neil and Andrew spend in their new apartment together is filled with small, random instances of tears, because this is his. This home, this person, this life. He never thought he would live long enough to find peace, much less happiness and contentment to this degree. So, Neil has a complicated relationship with crying, but as time goes on, it gets better.

#this got long #i kinda want to write some short stories of the foxes crying now #andrew minyard #neil josten #all for the game #aftg #andreil #aaron minyard #dan wilds #matt boyd #allison reynolds #kevin day #renee walker #nicky hemmick #so many tears #aftg hc #aftg headcanon

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aftgficrec · 2 years

Note

Gello!!! Hope you're very well!

I wanted to ask you for any fics where the rest of the foxes completely change their opinion (for the better) on one of the foxes after seeing them struggle with their mental health or something from their past. It can be any of the foxes really. (but kevinkevinkevinkevin and also nickynickynickynicky) (those two are criminally underrated)

(I'm a sucka' for my babies being SEEN)

Oh, to see and be seen. -A

also see:

Nicky & depression here

angst w/comfort for Andreil and Nerik here

Kevin-centric angst here

Kevin with food issues here

Kevin crying & being comforted here

Andrew helping Kevin through panic attack here

‘creature of habit’ here

‘I learned from my pain’ here

‘My brother under the sun’ here

‘Family Comes First’ here

‘Wear it on your finger’ here

‘Aaron loses his shit’ here

‘a crown's a crown’ and ‘Happy Now’ here

‘Reasons He Deserved To Die’ here

‘Don't You Ever Leave Me Alone...’ here

‘And Then There Was One’ here

‘the life and times of kevin day,’ ‘100%,’ ‘(Pas) Peur,’ ‘peu à peu,’ and ‘Quitter le Nid’ here

you may also like:

Kevin & the team here

foxes protective of Andrew here

foxes see Andrew’s scars here

foxes react to Andrew’s past here

Neil defends Andrew to foxes here

‘broken alone (together we mend)’ here

‘Flavors of Fall’ (complete) and ‘Unknown and Unforgotten’ here

‘It Went Like This’ here

‘A Yes Isn't Always a Yes’ here

‘They who made you/they made me too’ here

‘Shards of Glass’ here

‘never said that i didn't need you’ here

‘aaron's lament’ here

Nicky

We're the giggle at a funeral by Arirmis [Rated M, 15233 Words, Complete, 2021]

„Darling?“ Andrew calls, still out of sight, and that gets Neil’s attention. Except for some very rare, very soft moments Andrew only uses pet names to be sarcastic.

„Yes love?“ Neil retaliates in the same, slightly mocking tone. Andrew comes into sight, with an unusual mischievous glint in his eyes. „How much do you think you can horrify a whole bunch of conservative homophobes?“

or: What is a professional actor as a fiancé good for, if you can´t terrorize your distant (and close) relatives with him?

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced self-harm, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: homophobia, tw: referenced conversion therapy, tw: implied/referenced abortion

He is Lord, Lord, Lord by EmmmaMmmm [Rated T, 1549 Words, Complete, 2021]

Part 9 of the Camp Camp AU

“What camp did his parents sign him up for? It can’t be that bad, right?”

“Church camp,” said Nicky through a hoarse throat, and Kevin turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow, apparently not understanding the significance. Nicky cleared his throat. “Pray away the gay camp.”

“Conversion therapy,” said Andrew with a sneer, tugging Neil closer to his side. “They sent him away to fix him.”

tw: internalized homophobia, tw: referenced conversion therapy

AFTG/TFC minifics, headcanons from @/neilsexy on tumblr by mugglecastiel [Not Rated, Collection, Updated 2016]

Chapter 56 - nicky hemmick + being attacked. [T, 1019 Words]

tw: homophobia, tw: hate crime, tw: assault, tw: blood

Kevin

Fitting In by RosebudBasilton [Rated T, 4558 Words, Complete, 2019]

Kevin goes to Bee about not 'fitting in' so Bee gives him a 1000 piece puzzle because the author doesn't know how good therapy works, pls just believe that the story is kinda solid.

tw: alcoholism, tw: depression, tw: anxiety

Homecoming King by FicWriterFirefly [Rated T, 2665 Words, Complete, 2017]

Kevin's life was rocky to begin with. He escaped by chance, but the past haunts even the best of us. Kevin didn't realise he had a place, really. His place was by Riko's side. In Riko's shadow. But he's learning to be the most important piece on his board. He's no longer content with second place. He didn't choose this life. But perhaps he can choose his future.

tw: implied/referenced abuse

Oh my Queen, we are here again by starryxdjh [Rated M, 4138 Words, Complete, 2020]

Painkillers, a bottle of rum, and a dead end of a mouth.

That was all it took to land Kevin Day in the hospital.

That was what it took for Andrew to be the first one out of his chair when Kevin appeared in Wymack's living room. That was what it took for Neil to sit up straight and stare into the brokenness of Kevin Day and finally flinch in the face of it.

tw: suicide attempt, tw: implied/referenced torture

(if you're feeling small) i'll love your shadow by RainbowObsidian [Rated E, 2627 Words, Incomplete, Updated April 2021]

"You're an asshole, Kevin Day, but you're also a Fox." He stopped and turned back, but didn't meet her gaze. "It has just never occured to me until this moment that what Neil went through over Christmas was your life. I know that fucking grommet ruined your arm, but I guess I always thought things were fine until they weren't. But that's not the case is it? You know better than anyone else what happens when you defy a Moriyama."

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: menstruation, tw: implied/referenced drug addiction, tw: alcohol

a foxhole collection: on possibilities and digressions by vicariously kingly (pelted) [Rated T, Collection, Last Updated 2016]

Chapter 30: andrew minyard is as they say [T, 2303 Words]

prompt: in a world where what someone believes about you is written on your skin, Andrew and Kevin make their deal.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: self harm, tw: alcohol, tw: homophobia

Nicky & Kevin

Selfish by maydaykevin [Rated T, 2448 Words, Complete, 2021]

“Stop being a bad influence,” Kevin told Nicky. “I am going to make him Court. It’ll be easier if he remains heterosexual. You know more than any of us how prejudiced people can be. Imagine the impact it would have on his career.”

“We aren’t really having this conversation,” Neil said.

The one where yeah, we are. Or, at least Nicky and Kevin are.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: internalized homophobia, tw: referenced conversion therapy

Art

here is nicky hemmick art by @demiigodart

My favorite boy art by @bi_bi.art on instagram

Nicky Hemmick. and Drama Queen. art by @nameless2128_ on instagram

I’ll break your bones down the middle, I’ll snap your heart in half art by @glasspunkart (tw: blood)

Queen art by @Crystaline_Art on twitter (tw: blood)

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kevindayisafrog · 3 years

Text

What if Neil never made it home? (Kevneil pain)

TW - physical abuse (choking), panic attacks, hints of suicidal thoughts, grief and loss of a MC, anxiety

“Where is he?”, Andrew’s monotone voice chilled Kevin all over, making his already rapid heart beat faster. “I-I don’t-“, Kevin put his head in his hands and let out a shaky breath. He didn’t know where Neil was and he was dreading the worst. He was holding his hand just minutes ago but the fight broke out and..Kevin let out a strangled sound and squeezed his eyes shut. “Andrew-“, Nicky’s fear made him look up in time to see Andrew marching towards him up the aisle of the bus. “Andrew, I promise I don’t know where he is”, Kevin pleaded as Andrew ran into him and grabbed his throat, “Andrew, please, I don’t-“. He let out a choked whimper as Andrew’s hands grew tighter around his neck. A million tortured moments of Riko flashed behind his shut eyes making Kevin want to disappear; run away from this place to find his Neil. “Andrew”, he tried to whisper, the name barely coming out. “Where the fuck is he?”, Andrew’s voice barely changed, his deadpan face still remaining; boring into Kevin’s memory. “His father-the butcher-“, he knew Neil would hate him for telling everyone his past, but if it would get Andrew off him, he’ll try anything. As soon as Andrew lets go he can run; he’d run faster than he ever has, until his legs break beneath him. He won’t care about the pain, he’s lived through pain his whole life, what’s a bit more? If it helps him get Neil back he’ll walk through fire, he’ll go back to the nest, he’ll kiss Riko’s feet and smile as he slowly dies. “Baltimore-the butcher of Baltimore”, Kevin closed his eyes and let a tear fall out. Who cares if the foxes see him cry? He doesn’t give a shit. They mean nothing to him. “Andrew get off him”, Matt looked between the two and wrapped his arms around Andrew’s waist, pulling to no avail, “fuck”. Kevin looked up into Andrew’s empty eyes through his blurring vision and prepared for the pain he’ll get before whispering: “please, Andrew, I can’t lose him”. Andrew’s hands grew tighter than before, making Kevin let out a laugh fueled on pain and fear. He looked over Andrew’s shoulder fleetingly as Matt, Aaron, Nicky and Coach finally pulled Andrew off; his throat bursting with a numb pain. “Kevin, sweetheart”, Abby kneeled beside him and pulled his head gently onto her lap, “if you know about Neil’s past we need you to tell us now. It’s important”. Kevin closed his eyes and swallowed through the burn in his throat, silently apologizing to Neil for his truth. “His father..is the butcher of Baltimore. He just got out-“, he pressed a hand against his mottled throat and swallowed the taste of blood, “out of prison. We need to save him”. Nicky let out an inhaled ‘fuck’ as Matt got ready to hit Kevin. “For fuck’s sake, Kevin, why didn’t you tell us before? Is that why he was scared of his own shadow? Because he was fucking running away?”, Wymack ran a hand down his face and swore. Kevin nodded and cleared his throat, “yeah, he ran away with his mom when he was eleven. But she died and..”, he shrugged and let out a pained sigh as Abby began to rub lotion onto his bruising neck. “Fucking great”, Wymack turned his back to the team and shook his head before turning to glare down at Kevin, “you should’ve told us sooner, Day. What if something has gone wrong and we’re too fucking late?” Kevin winced at his words and slowly closed his eyes; he’s been blamed for a lot of shit in his life, but Neil’s possible death stabs deeper than anything before. “I’m sorry”, he whispered, desperate for someone to believe him. “That’s not good enough right now. Everyone get in your seats”, Wymack barked as he strode to the front of the bus and sat down with a loud sigh. Kevin stood up slowly and sank into his seat, watching out of the window as his fear and anxiety choked him once again.

Kevin sunk into the corner of the hotel room and dropped his head into his hands; his left hand red raw from his anxious picking. He didn’t want to stay in this room, he didn’t care if the FBI forced them to, he needed to get out. They reassured him that Neil would be okay, but he didn’t believe them. Kevin flinched as a hand was placed on his shoulder, a gentle squeeze making him want to crawl out of his skin. “He’s going to be okay”, Abby smiled down at him and placed a gentle kiss on his temple, “I know what he means to you”. Kevin blinked up at her and tried to hold his anxious tears in; he didn’t want anyone to know what Neil meant to him. Neil was his and he was going to protect him until the day he dropped dead. “Fuck’s sake”, Wymack grumbled as a loud knock startled everyone up onto their feet. They all stood in silence as their Coach opened the door cautiously and grunted when two FBI agents walked through the door with annoyed facial expressions. “I’m Special Agent Browning and this”, the smug suited man gestured to the taller man beside him, “is my partner Special Agent Towns. We are working on the Baltimore case and can officially announce that the butcher has been executed”. He said it so proudly, so smugly that Kevin wanted to rip the man’s face off with his bare fucking hands. “But this information is not to leave this room, do you understand?”, Towns glared at each face before nodding and pulling a notebook out of his jacket pocket, “we would like some information on Nathaniel Wesninksi, the butcher’s son”. Nathaniel. That name alone brought too many bad memories up that Kevin wanted to scream. He wanted to scream that his name is Neil, he hated that name and he ran so far away to forget it; but now they’re pinning him back down with it. “His-his name is Neil”, Kevin spoke up and felt everyone’s eyes turn to him, “and I want to know where he is”. He tried to stay formal and authoritative but his voice cracked in fear. Both agents shared a small look, a silent conversation being spoken right in front of their faces, before Browning nodded and turned to face the room. “We are sorry to say that Nathaniel did not make it. Our condolences”. Kevin felt the air leave his lungs as if he’d been shot a million times in the chest. “What?”, he whispered as the Foxes turned to shoot him death glares. “For fuck’s sake, Kevin. You should’ve told us”, Matt spat as Dan physically held him back from killing Kevin. “I didn’t-he didn’t want me to, I was just-“, Kevin took a step back in instinctive fear as the Foxes began to shout over each other, each word ripping deep into Kevin’s skin that they began to merge together into a numbing ring in his ears. “He’s okay, they’re just-“, Kevin gripped his chest with his left hand and replayed all his memories with Neil, “they’re lying. He’s okay”. Browning shook his head and sighed, “I’m sorry, kid, but his father got to him before we could infiltrate the building”. Kevin fell to his knees and covered his ears, his lungs bursting in his chest. “No, he’s okay, he’s okay”, he whispered hoarsely, bile slowly creeping up his bruised throat. His ears began to ring with shouts and cries as he watched his Neil slip away behind his eyelids, the blue eyes that he fell in love with slowly closing shut to never open again.

“He’s okay”, Kevin whispered as his body began to shake, painful sobs ripping through his chest, “he’s okay”. He replayed every interaction with Neil, his body still humming with his touches, his cheeks still blushing from the soft kisses. “He’s okay, you’re lying”, he whispered though it came out barely audible, his throat burning with the bile. He felt like he was dying and he was leaning into it; hoping that this will finally be the moment where he’ll die and won’t have to live without Neil. The boy that he fell in love with the moment he saw him swagger onto the court when they were eleven. The boy that mouthed off to the press, to Riko, but would kiss him so gently; would hold him with such tenderness that it would sometimes make him want to cry. His reason to fight back who has lost the battle; who proved that life would never get better, at least not for them. He let out a wail as he felt his lungs collapse, his body shaking so much that he felt as if he were leaving it; finally being freed. “Kevin”, a blurry voice broke through the deafening ring in his ears, a voice so soft that it made his heart break more, “Kevin, sweetheart, give me your hand”. He opened his eyes slowly and blinked through the tears, his head swimming with his fight or flight reflexes. He wanted to do neither; he wanted to disappear. “Give me your hand”, Abby gently took ahold of his hand and placed it against her neck, “feel my pulse, can you feel it?” It took too much energy for Kevin to nod so he squeezed his eyes shut instead. “Good, now match my breathing, I know it’s hard but you can do it”, Abby began breathing too loudly for Kevin’s ears and he just wanted to push her away, but he tried anyway; she always makes him want to try. “Good, that great, you’re doing so well”, Abby whispered through breaths, a sad smile in her voice. “I don’t want to do it”, Kevin whispered as he felt his chest sag in defeat. “No, you’re doing great, I’m so proud”, Abby cupped his face and wiped away the tears that were infinite. Kevin shook his head and dropped his head on her shoulder, opening his eyes to watch as the other Foxes had turned their backs on him. Neil was the only one that made him want to stay here, so why did he let him go? All he had to do was hold a little tighter, but Kevin always let good things slip through his fingers, “I’m sorry”, he whispered though no one heard him.

Kevin strode onto the Ravens court with his head held and with a victory already in his grasp. “For you”, he whispered to the sky before tapping the butt of his racquet against the floor and changing hands, “you gave me your game and I won’t let you down”.

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cancelledboobsubscription · 3 years

Text

I’ve making headcanons about all of my hyper fixations for a while now and just dumping them on my friends so I’m gonna also dump them here.

If you’re into All For the Game , My Hero Academia, ATLA, The Raven Cycle stay fuckn tuned my doods bc I have a loooot of stuff rattling around my empty skull.

Not all of these are 100% mine some of them are already pretty popular and I’m expanding on them or I heard something similar and edited it to my own tastes

I’ll separate them by series,,,

Theres like one canon that’s mildly nsfw

TW: drug abuse

Mha/Bnha

pro hero kirishima’s Red Riot™️ merch is insanely size inclusive bc he wants fatgum to be able to wear the hoodie that kiri’s pr team sent him but that’s not all,,

If he wasn’t super gay and in love with Bakugou he’d be very Into BBWs so again his merch is super size inclusive bc he wants everyone to be able to wear it

The company that makes the merch also takes requests for special made merch for people who’s quirks interfere with a “normal” size or dimension

ALSO ,,,,this man(kiri) is built like a fuckn MACK TRUCK OKAY he is 6’7” and cannot fit through doorways without ducking and turning a little to the side ,,, he is broad And still wears no shirt™️ ,,, this being said ,, bakugou is still around 5’8” and pretty slim don’t get me wrong he’s extremely strong and toned but he’s not huge,, it makes flying easier if he stays a little lighter ,,,,,,, the point is,, sometimes kiri will pick up bakugou with one arm and bakugou can’t even pretend to hate it anymore

Also,,,, fatgum has to use special pens and keyboards because of how big his hands are,,, he’s literally 8’2” I won’t take criticism on this

Fatgum actually loves wearing red riot and sun eater merch

Allmight and Inko start dating and one day when they’re out someone comments on how much all might “looks like a skeleton” and she absolutley lets loose on them for being so vapid and shallow and how “he’s risked his life to save people like you more times than you have ever even thought about being helpful in your life and it would serve you well to treat someone who’d die for you without even knowing you with more respect”

All might had to gently pull her away bc the guy was crying and she wasn’t anywhere near finished with him

Midnight is Asexual and aggressively pretends to be horny on main™️ because for one, it works with her quirk and two, nothing sells better than sex especially when you’re a woman.

Bakugou and kirishima use sign language to talk shit at Public events

Dabi is addicted to painkillers because he’s been on them his entire life,, he wakes up with the shakes and sometimes toga has to help him take his meds in the morning because he’s already in withdrawal

Tensei was the first one to realize that iida was autistic and immediately did copious amounts of research on ASD and how to be a good brother to him

ATLA

sokka grows his hair as long as Zuko’s (except the sides obvi) and sometimes he’ll wear his hair in the fire nation top knot and zuko loses it every time

Azula gets help and now sometimes when she wakes up with the sun after a night of fitful sleep she goes to the courtyard to have tea with iroh. They never talk, but then again they never need to.

Sometimes after a hard day sokka falls asleep in the bathtub and wakes up to zuko warming the water back up and washing his hair for him

Suki lounges in zukos throne while zuko gets worked up about stuff and paces all around the room

Mai is on the ace spectrum

When sokka and zuko visit the southern water tribe zuko will firebend for the all of the kids in the village,,, they love him so much and sometimes sokka gets a little teary eyed watching him

Sokka braids zukos hair water tribe style and it’s the hottest thing maybe ever

Zuko takes sokka on shopping sprees pretty frequently and sokka fuckn loves it

One time someone has the nerve to call sokka “the fire lords sugar baby” and sokka just flips his ponytail over his shoulder Ariana style and says “and what about it?”

The Raven cycle

Ronan has 100% killed Robert Parrish in his dreams and when he wakes up to see Adam next to him he almost immediately wants to go back to sleep and do it again for all the pain he’s caused Adam

Gansey is oblivious to the fact that he is indeed shredded,, when he gets really worked up he moves his arms a l o t like rolls up his sleeves, crosses and uncrosses his arms and The gang’s favorite is when he puts his hands on his head and subconsciously flexes,,,, literally entire gangsey will group swoon at him and he genuinely thinks they are marvelling at his passion for whatever he’s worked up about

Ronan watched broke back mountain once when he was like 16 and now all he can think about is being a gay cowboy ,,,

Adam will read people’s tarot wrong if theyre douchebags

Don’t you think it’s funny that the ganseys don’t have any straight children?

Blue has a T-shirt from each member of the gangsey (except Noah,, rip Noah) and shes created a terrible Franken-T-shirt by ripping them up and sewing them all back together in an extremely ugly patch work thing

Adam talks in Latin in his sleep and it really freaks his roommate out,, like a lot,, not to mention the fact that Adam already creeps him out to begin with bc he’s got that other vibe that comes from being tied to cabeswater and lindenmere ,, 6 out of 7 days his roommate is convinced that he’s a witch or a fairy or something

Ronan teaches opal how to bake and opal burns everything on purpose

aftg

Neil has definitely killed multiple people to survive

Neil’s mom definitely made him kill someone at least twice to make sure he could kill to survive on his own if they got separated

he probably definitely still has nightmares about each one

Matt and Dan both had a crush on Neil for like 30 seconds and absolutely talked to each other about him

Ppl always talk about how hot it is to crush a watermelon with your thighs,,,, Andrew could do it with his arms

Aarons ass is so flat and Andrew has an absolute dumptruck

Kevin started out as one of those annoying “obsessed with WWII” history guys and now he’s actually very into queer history and will rant about the lavender scare for an hour if you let him

The foxes lounge room(?) has a dart board with riko’s face on it to this day,, they literally have a drawer full of copies the same image of riko and every time one gets worn out they put a new one up. It’s more of an inside joke now but wymack still hates that little puke even though he’s dead so it stays up

Post-canon Neil gets drunk and teaches the team how to steal a car by hot wiring Matt’s truck

Matt does drag for halloween one year and Dan liked it a little too much *cough cough* she pegged him while he was still in drag

Someone once asked Renee if she was “saving herself for marriage like a good Christian girl should” and Allison knocked them out cold and stepped over the body

Neil calls Aaron ugly to his face literally any chance he gets (I feel like this one might be canon but I actually don’t know What’s real anymore)

Andrew Unironically wears a pink apron that says “kiss the cook” that Nicky got him for Christmas when he bakes

Okay I think that’s it ? For now?? Let me know if y’all want more,,,,, I’ll separate them next time I just really had to dump these and I didn’t want to make multiple posts.

I made this at 5:30 in the morning sorry if it’s riddled with typos and errors.

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altruistic-meme · 3 years

Text

AFTG fic recs

Hi all! I just wanted to share some of my all-time favorite fanfics for aftg, for no real reason other than I want more people to read them and send their love to the authors :)

Under a readmore because it got. A little long. But please enjoy!

WIPs

Dangerous Habits by LovelyLittleGrim ( @lovelylittlegrim )

Andrew has run into problems while on undercover jobs before. None of those problems were anything like the troublesome runaway that is one Nathaniel Wesninski

Aka: the fic where Andrew is undercover as a hitman for hire and Neil is the guy who hires him. Things get complicated from there.

Undercover Andrew? BAMF Neil? Hitman AU?? Absolutely. I’m in love. The story is just *chef kisses*

Chapters: 8/9

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, past rape/non-con, Drake Spear (who is his own warning), Butcher Neil,

Negotiations by elesary ( @elesary )

This is what Andrew Minyard knows: his brother is dead, killed by a petty Raven prince who has never learned to keep his hands off of Andrew's things. His brother's daughters are his responsibility, a job that is made infinitely harder when their shitty grandparents want custody. Nathaniel Wesninski is a liar, but he might be the only way to avenge Aaron and protect his nieces. All Andrew has to do is watch Nathaniels - Neil's- back as he carves out his own life and identity from everyone who thinks they own him.

Andrew has always been good at upholding his end of the bargain, has he finally found someone willing to uphold theirs?

This fic has got me fucked up, honestly. I’m emotional over it. It’s fantastic.

Chapters: 11/?

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, attempted sexual assault, Butcher Neil,

the upper hand by plantelty ( @plantelty )

Shortly after losing his mother, Neil arrives in the small town of Palmetto, South Carolina, alone in the world and with an impossible plan to carry through.

At the age of eighteen, Andrew ends up helping a boy stage his own death.

Just two fucked up boys learning to trust each other during the course of a summer, but also: multiple references to songs, twinyard angst (Nicky tries his best), The Plotting of Neil Josten's Gruesome Demise, and shit hitting the fan in a variety of ugly ways!

The cliffhanger has got me on the edge of my seat, but it is 100% worth the read and the wait for the last chapter!!

Chapters: 10/11

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Canon typical violence,

The Butcher’s House by Fire_Bear ( @fire-bear )

Andrew thought something was odd with the house the Foxes had to move into after their Athletes' House had been burnt down. He just wasn't prepared for what was actually wrong with it.

For this was a house full of monsters.

Ghost story! Ghost story! Ghost story! I literally think about this fic every other day, it’s fantastic.

Chapters: 6/?

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: character death (major or minor is unclear), injuries,

Promise of an Unbroken Boy by elesary ( @elesary )

Neil is caught by the police with Mary's burning body and is sent to juvie in Oakland where he is assigned to share a cell with one Andrew Doe, who promises him Exy, if only Neil will tell him all of his secrets. With no access to tinted contacts and hair dye, he agrees, it's only a matter of time until he's killed after all. What does he have to lose?

But Andrew's found someone who knows what a promise means, and he'll be damned if he lets that go without a fight.

Ngl this is definitely in my very top favorites -- I LOVE the idea of Neil and Andrew meeting pre-series, and this fic just BLEW my expectations for that plotline out of the waters

Chapters: 14/?

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, Underage, attempted rape/non-con, canon-typical violence,

~~~~~~~~~

Complete

The Nameless Monster by kanekicure ( @kanekicure )

Nathaniel Wesninski wants nothing more than to see his father dead and buried. But when his father promises him the title of The Butcher, Nathaniel quickly realizes that his destiny of following in his father's footsteps is closer than ever before.

So of course, when he gets forced to go undercover for the Baltimore police, he starts seeing what living could truly be.

Andrew Minyard is a newly recruited police officer for the worst precinct in Baltimore, who is dedicated on hunting down the notorious Butcher and his unnamed underling. But when Neil Josten is thrown into his midst as his civilian consultant; he starts to realize some things don't quite appear as they seem.

I love the story telling -- the secret identities, the plotting, everything.

Chapters: 14/14

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, Butcher Neil, implied/referenced rape/non-con, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced slef-harm (I believe there is a scene that is somewhat detailed on this subject), some characters also get drugged at one point,

that’s just something people say by nanatsuyu ( @theoctopusnods )

Neil makes the mistake of stealing the wrong car. Andrew makes the mistake of offering a ride to a liar. They both make the mistake of turning the whole affair into a road trip ‘home.’

Gonna be honest; the summary does not give a big idea as to what is in store and i am SO GLAD I gave this one a try so i’m telling you that you will be too

Chapters: 24/24

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: implied/referenced child abuse, panic attacks (somewhat grahic descriptions of)

The Story After You by kanekicure ( @kanekicure )

Andrew Minyard does not understand how Riko Moriyama landed Neil Wesninski.

How the snot-nosed, small dick, rich brat, second son of the Moriyama family who also just so happened to own the largest EXY gear and merchandiser company in the world “RAVEN” - had landed smart mouthed, quick witted, stupidly blue eyed Wesninski, was beyond him. Well, unless Wesninski was a gold digger, but Andrew doubted it.

Or; how Andrew Minyard says he doesn't get into messy situations, until he meets Neil and suddenly he is in the most messiest possible situation ever imagined in his life - oh and also, he might be becoming a homewrecker.

Ok I am behind bc I haven’t read the final chapter of this but!! I love the story, it’s very emotional and moving, and I love the characterization in it.

Chapters: 10/10

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Abusive Riko/Neil, abusive relationship, implied/referenced rape/non-con, implied/reference child abuse, implied/referenced self-harm, graphic depictions of violence, some descriptions of injuries/scarring,

This Complicated Life by 5a5b5p5 ( @andrewsbutterflyknife )

“This is exactly why I don’t want you and Andrew to meet,” Aaron says grumpily. “You two would get along far too well.”

Neil grins. “I just like pissing you off,” he says, “It’s not my fault your brother does such a good job at it.”

—

Neil doesn’t expect much from his Sophomore year of college, but when he becomes a waiter at the Palmetto Bistro, his life gets a whole lot more interesting. As it turns out, maintaining friendships new and old as well as navigating an interesting relationship with the head chef of the restaurant—who just so happens to be his best friend’s twin brother—is a lot more complicated than he’d thought it would be.

A much more light-hearted fic than most of the others! Includes a secret relationship, and also chef Andrew >>

Chapters: 10/10

Rating: Mature

Warnings:

When I Fade, Keep Me in Your Memory by demesh

Neil Josten has a secret: he can flicker out of existence.

He can vanish with the turn of a thought; click his fingers, and suddenly he’s not there anymore. Invisible and untouchable, he becomes a living ghost.

Having promised his mother never to let his ability go, Neil teeters the line between faded and real, a person and an echo. He can’t risk getting hurt.

But then, one day, someone sees him when they shouldn’t be able to.

A (flower-shop) AU about how a faded and lonely Neil finds it in him to become someone real.

Another fic that I need to catch up on ;; but anyway it’s amazing and I love Neil’s ability in it, it’s so well explained and well-written about

Chapters: 12/12

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: mentions of past abuse, panic attacks

12 Ways to Woo a Minyard by NikNak22 ( @knickknacksandallthat )

Neil is a math nerd who, by a stroke of dumb luck, falls into a group of friends that are the closest thing to family he’s ever had. So, when he tells them about his new mysterious crush, he shouldn’t be surprised how immediately they come up with a plan to help win them over. One they insist that if Neil follows it, he’ll have them falling for him in no time. But things don’t always go to plan – or do they?

Nicky wants to set him up with someone else. Matt and Jeremy are confused but supportive. Allison and Seth offer lewd suggestions, while Dan does her best to keep everyone in line. Jean and Renee know something, Aaron doesn’t really care, and Kevin just wants Neil to join the lacrosse team.

But one thing’s for certain – whether Neil’s successful or not, everyone’s got money riding on this.

The romance-trope-filled fanfic of my dreams. Sometimes you just need a fic of pure joy -- this is that fic.

Chapters: 14/14

Rating: Mature

Warnings:

finders keepers by moonix ( @annawrites )

Andrew meets Nathaniel through a scavenger hunt app. As their team takes part in a hunt that sends each of them to creepy, abandoned places alone to solve clues and gain points, Andrew and Nathaniel begin a little treasure hunt of their own. The anonymity of getting to know each other in small increments, never meeting face-to-face, allows them a level of intimacy neither are used to. Meanwhile Renee’s friend Neil is acting weird whenever Andrew shows up…

This was one of the first fics I read for aftg!! And BOY what a great start!! All of the little pieces and parts that work together, and just the scavenger hunt itself is fantastic! (I also REALLY wanna know if there is an app like this out there because I would be down to do that)

Chapters: 8/8

Rating: Mature

Warnings: (these all come from the author:) “mentions of historical abuse in a mental asylum, mentions of suicide, mentions of murder and kidnapping, morbid facts, creepy abandoned places including a haunted house at a theme park with disturbing rooms, special appearance of a creepy clown doll, fatphobia and some introspection on body image/complicated relationship with food, mention of self harm scars”

-----

Scared to Live (But I’m Scared to Die) by Major_816 ( @major816 )

Neil Josten goes to the Nest for Andrew, but he stays for a lot more.

"I'm sorry Coach," he muttered.

"For what kid?" Wymack shifted. "You've got to give me something to work with here."

Wymack watched the thin traces of sorrow as paper exchanged hands and he was looking down at a contract with the Edgar Allan Raven's.

"I signed them Coach, I'm sorry."

The one where Neil doesn't come back from Winter Break.

It is VERY dark, and is one of very few fics that I have actually been almost unable to read one of the scenes, so DEFINITELY pay attention to the warnings -- both these, and the ones provided for each individual chapter. I did go through the fic to collect as many warnings as I could find in the chapter warnings, but be sure to take care of yourself.

Chapters: 36/36

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: rape/non-con elements, implied/referenced rape/non-con, discussions of rape/non-con, canon-typical violence, graphic descritions, physical abuse, panic attacks, descriptions of injuries (often graphic), psychological warfare, dissociating, psychological torture, physical torture, use of knives, alcoholism/alcohol abuse, pain-induced delirium, rape/non-con, emotional self-separation, suicidal ideation/thoughts of suicide, emotional distress (which sums up the whole fic and also me while reading it), handcuffs/chains used as restraints, referenced/implied abuse towards animals, vomitting, begging, excessive use of painkillers, drowning, waterboarding, physical restraint, mutilation of an animal, mild hallucinations, non-con drugging, sleep deprivation, starvation, humiliation, the Butcher,

Also one of the first fics I read and 100% my absolute favorite fic!!! Which is adfjhsd a little worrying, considering, but it is what it is. Anyway. This fic absolutely wrecked me, and while it is technically complete, there is a sequel in the works! So! But I am so so excited for the sequel, and I am working on rereading this. It’s amazing. 1000/10.

#also!! btw i would love if anyone has more fic recs >> just an fyi >>#idk if demesh doesn't have a tumblr but i couldn't find one :(#also major816 for some reason i can never tag and idk why #aftg #all for the game #andreil #the foxhole court #tfc #andrew minyard #neil josten #fic rec #rec list

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eloquent-apollo · 3 years

Text

Its Seth Gordon loving hours so hey, you know what, as a treat to myself here are some headcanons I have about him based on what Seth could have been had he not been nerfed on sight by Riko Moriyama.

Tw: mention of the bar hopping night and sobriety and a shitty childhood for Seth

- Its canon that Seth has really terrible sleeping habbits, so when Neil has nightmares he usually finds Seth still awake (or already awake, depending on the time of night)

- at first they dont talk, Seth just gives him a look and its not one that Neil can make out but sometimes it helps to see someone there

- then the bar hopping night happens

- And Seth survives but he knows he was sober, he only drank a couple of beers and he knows this

- but no one other than Allison believes him (Andrew and Kevin do, they know it was Riko but they don’t exactly talk)

- Neil believes him, but he feels too guilty, he feels too much like this was all his fault and he can’t talk to Seth

- (Seth knows why he was targeted, but somehow he can’t find it within himself to blame Neil)

- now Neil wakes up from uneasy dreams to find Seth staring at the ceiling, his eyes hollow, his expression broken.

- Eventually Neil and Seth start talking. Its at first just a “you okay?” From Neil, concern is very foreign to him but he feels it for Seth either way

- Seth just says “yeah” and nothing more

- until he does say more

- they talk mostly about superficial stuff like practice and what not and its mostly Seth who does the talking but they talk

- they talk

- it helps

- Seth falls asleep when they talk

- its slow but Seth starts talking about real things eventually. You can only talk about the weather or that nights practice for so long before you feel like you’ve run through it time and time again (and maybe Seth just wants to open up for once. Maybe he want to get out of there with at least one friend by his side and that thought hurts Neil when he knows he only has that year left to live and so he promises himself that he will help Seth make ammends with the others)

- Seth mostly talks about his family, a hard topic because Seth has tried to run from his family for 5 years

- Seth has 6 brothers. 3 older and 3 younger, Seth is right in the middle.

- Dorian (now 35), his oldest brother, fled the house as soon as he was 18. He left Jeremy (now 30) and Edmond (now 28) to take care of their younger brothers. They werent great parents, they were teens who didn’t know how to handle 4 kids and each other and more often than not they would bully them into submission

- Seth doesn’t hate them, though. They were flawed but they were family. Jeremy had grown up, he was married now and he had his own kids and he was an incredible father.

- Edmond was in and out of jobs, never tying himself down for too long and staying away from his brothers as much as he could

- His three younger brothers are called James (21), Lee (15) and Barry (10) (look I know this technically doesnt line up with the “his dad left when he was 8” but in my head his father left when his mother was pregnant with Lee, making Seth 8 almost 9 and Barry idfk just has a different dad or something who cares Seth was in the books for 5 seconds)

- Seth talks differently about his younger brothers, with a lot more softness and joy and a lot less resentment than when he talks about Dorian and Edmond

- (not about Jeremy, never about Jeremy. Jeremy had tried to make a better person out of himself when he left the house and he had his own kids now and he had changed so much from the 16 year old kid who tried to raise his 5 younger brothers)

- Lee is only 15, but he is so angry all the time. He picks fights, steals cigarettes and gets detention every week. Seth worries about him, but he isnt stupid enough to try and say as much to Lee. Seths done much worse, so he doesn’t try and tell Lee to tone it down (one day he will, maybe, when he is doing better for himself)

- Barry is only 10, too young to fully understand that his family is shit, too young to understand that Seth’s gone through too much. He idolises Seth, he’s his favourite brother and he watches all his matches on TV (He doesnt understand that the fighting isnt part of the game, he’s too young and no one has the heart to tell him)

- James is gay and very much closeted, but Seth is the first person he comes out to. It changes something for Seth, who realises as his younger brother cries and tells him “I don’t need you in my life if you won’t accept me” before Seth has even said a word, that maybe this isn’t who he wants to be

- Seth does better for James. Its a long road, it’s not even an easy one but Seth doesnt want to lose another brother. He even goes to meet James’s boyfriend and its awkward and he says some things he really shouldn’t say but even so James seems happy because at least Seth tried (and Edmond and Dorian cant say as much)

- Its slow, its difficult, but Seth tries to patch things up with his brothers one by one. It will take a while, he will have to he persistant and even more with some than others, but Seth knows that it will be worth it

- This was supposed to be about Seth and the team and his future but I guess its more me rambling about his brothers? Ill make a part two about some more Seth & foxes headcanons I have including my ideas of what Seth does after graduation but I just wanted to info dump I guess

#Seth and his brothers are very dear to me for no reason whatsoever #I just saw Seth and went oh cool time to spend hours and hours on creating an intricate and complex background that no one cares about #seth gordon #aftg #all for the game #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten #tfc #the foxhole court #kevin day #nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #dan wilds #matt boyd #allison Reynolds #renee walker

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codename-adler · 3 years

Text

...dance 'til you find someone to die for...

What if instead of Seth, Riko tried to get rid of Aaron?

Chapter 7 ♟️ [table of contents]

(CW: anxiety, mentioned/implied drug addiction, alcoholism, scars, self-hate, implied death threat)

As the miles between the Foxes and Blackwell University diminish, Kevin’s breathing becomes erratic. Aaron can see from the corner of his eyes that Kevin clenches his fist, as if around a bottle, especially the right hand, scarred and stiff and dangerously fascinating.

Aaron can see all of that, because he hasn’t moved back to his seat. God knows where Kevin could have hidden alcohol on this bus.

Strangely enough, when the Foxes start to notice the unusual pair in the back of the bus, they don’t push it, don’t ask about it, don’t make a fuss about it. Even Andrew is content burning two holes in the back of their heads with his blank yet serious stare.

Meanwhile Aaron thinks about the deal he just brokered with the Son of Exy.

How utterly fucked he is.

Because while everybody agreed that Andrew was the one who hated Exy and Aaron the one who didn’t give a flying fuck…

Aaron knew that, at least on some level, Andrew experienced a sort of thrill to excel at something he supposedly hated, especially when there was a certain controlled violence to it.

Aaron… Aaron just hated it, full stop.

There wasn’t… There wasn’t a single area of Aaron’s life where he didn’t need to perform. He had to be the tame twin, the boring one, the unproblematic one, the sane one (when he wanted to be none of those things). He had to be the perfect student, the best doctor in-making, at the top of his classes, the most likely to succeed (when he wanted to be every one of those things). He once had to be the silent son, the invisible child, this independent little being (and he was, for a while, but it was never enough).

And then there was Exy.

Exy was a means to an end. A deal between him and PSU’s Medical Program. A deal between him and Andrew. A deal between him and Coach Wymack. As long as he played well enough, as long as he fulfilled his job as backliner, he could stay. He could stay in Med School, he could stay with his blood family, he could stay away from drugs.

Aaron had never had a deal with Kevin Day.

Aaron kept his aggressivity low enough not to be a red-card problem on the court, he kept his hatred for the game low enough not to make the team lose, and he kept his hatred for himself for doing all that bullshit low enough not to pick a deadly fight with the biggest enemy players.

Now, though… Putting his game in the too-capable hands of the best Exy player there ever was, Aaron was about to become something else entirely. He would have to become the best apprentice, the best backliner, the best tactician… the best, period (and he could try, he could be, for a while, but it would always be too much).

Aaron couldn’t be all of those things at the same time

He already couldn’t keep up with things as they were.

He couldn’t, he couldn’t do more.

Because if Aaron went back on his word, Kevin would hate him even more than he already did in the past, he would go back to drinking himself to death, thus nagging Aaron’s itch to use. Yet if Aaron saw his promise through, Kevin would push him to the brink of death, thus nagging, once more, Aaron’s itch to use.

There was no escape from a relapse.

Aaron could feel it in his skin, in his blood, in his very bones.

The worst was, he didn’t even know when his survival became dependent on Kevin’s.

Nobody had ever helped him with anything. He refused to call Andrew’s methods “help”.

And now Kevin was willing to waste time on him as much as Aaron was willing to waste time on his stupid little game.

Why?

Why was Kevin getting through to him?

Why was he getting through to Kevin?

Why was he willing to risk his sobriety for a man so much further down into alcoholism?

What was it about him?

Why was Kevin’s lack of expectation towards Aaron felt different than Andrew’s, Nicky’s, Coach’s, the Foxes’, or even fucking Josten’s?

Why did it feel almost… comforting?

Why was there no pressure when it came to Kevin himself?

As the bus pulled in the BWU, a hurricane raged inside Aaron’s mind. His stoic expression never once broke, however, never once reflected the helplessness behind his eyes.

The Foxes arrived a bit before the other teams, which allowed everyone to take a little longer than their allotted time to change into their gala outfits. Aaron’s suit was in a blue the shade of midnight, lined with black silk, paired with slacks the same blue color, a crisp white shirt and a black tie. He’d picked it out the week before when Andrew had dragged him shopping for fucking Josten’s outfit, because that dude was not to be trusted with a fashion taste, even Aaron could see that. Andrew had paid for everything, probably with his their mom’s leftover insurance money.

While Matt, Nicky, Seth, Andrew and the other one had already filed out of the boys bathroom, Kevin still hadn’t come out. Aaron started tapping his foot, faintly, to signify his presence and urge Kevin to 'get on with it so this hell of a night could finish already.’ He heard him retch a bit, flush the toilet for the third time, and shakily unlock the bathroom stall he was hiding in.

Kevin looked like shit.

And still, at the same time… he didn’t.

Hi suit was green, a green so dark it could almost be black; but it wasn’t black. Kevin didn’t have to wear black anymore, especially not in public, especially not tonight. His suit was green, and it wasn’t black, and it was everything. His white shirt looked a bit damp, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. His tie was gray, a gray so dark it could, too, be perceived as black, but it wasn’t, it was gray. The button of his jacket was undone, leaving it open, and near the end of his tie, there it was…

An orange fox paw, on a pin.

An orange Palmetto State Foxes pin.

Because Kevin didn’t wear black anymore. Because Kevin didn’t live in the Nest anymore. Because Kevin wasn’t a Raven anymore.

He was a Fox, he was theirs, and he was beautiful just as he was, scarred and breaking at the seams and sweaty and scared and theirs.

Aaron was overwhelmed by the wave of pride he felt when looking at Kevin.

It was strong enough to make him forget where they were, what was waiting for them outside, strong enough to make him forget everything he was, everything they were.

Aaron moved closer to Kevin and clapped him on the shoulder, before sliding his hand down to grab his elbow, all the while catching Kevin’s eyes in the mirror.

“C'mon, cowboy. Let’s give 'em a show,” Aaron said.

They looked at each other in the mirror a few seconds more, before Kevin nodded, straightening his shoulders, his jacket, his spine.

They walked out together, oblivious to the cold and threatening tension among their teammates.

Then they heard.

the sound of shoes marching in sync, loud, too loud

The Ravens were there.

Riko was right there.

Because of course, they would be sharing a table.

Of course, this couldn’t be easy.

Color left Kevin’s face.

Color flushed Josten’s.

Riko overlooked the Foxes until his eyes caught what he was looking for. He looked at Andrew first and frowned; then he looked at Josten and frowned deeper. When his gaze finally settled on Kevin, he raised his eyebrow, defiant, before rearranging his expression into a vicious sneer.

But then.

Then he looked at Aaron.

Really looked.

Recognition flashed across his face.

Riko’s sneer deepened, turning downright devilish.

And Aaron knew, then.

He wasn’t coming out of this banquet alive.

(read on Ao3 here !)

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orangefoxes · 3 years

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Hey, so I've been trying to submit a prompt but it won't work so here it goes I know this will be sad but what if Neil gets really sad and depressed (the reason is up for interpretation ex: bullied by jack or is haunted by PTSD) and so he becomes full of self hate and becomes anorexic and cuts himself #andreil (this would mean so much since I've been through similar circumstances and was strong enough to pull through and keep living, this book and your Tumblr have helped me so much)

Hi @soph-ie21 I am so sorry this took a whopping 4 years for me to post. I’m terrible for not checking my inbox as my notifications have been turned off for tumblr since I was like 13. I’m so glad to hear that you recovered from your ED, you must be so strong and I’m so proud of you as I know how difficult that is to do. I’m hoping this is the sort of prompt you were looking for, if you’re even looking after this long, as it’s not very dialogue heavy, but here you go.

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER, SELF LOATHING, ANOREXIA.

When in high stress situations, to cope, the brain releases a hormone called cortisol. It’s alright in small doses, helpful even. It triggers your fight or flight response and readies the body to do something, fast. Constant exposure to the hormone however, has some not so good long term effects. Effects that include, but are not limited to: high blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, and, arguably the mildest, weight gain.

Cortisol results in weight gain for two reasons. The first is because it slows your metabolism, and the second is because the drop in blood sugar from constant high blood pressure means that you start craving fatty, sugary foods, which leads to overeating. Neil’s memory is not nearly good enough for him to recall what foods he had craved over the years, but he and his mother shied away from sweets and chocolate for dental reasons, it probably would have been a hardship for many kids growing up but Neil had never much cared for sugar anyway. However, what he and his mother did indulge in is a lot of fatty, fast food. Partly because it was cheap, partly because it was something they could eat while on the move, and partly because no one would look twice at two sketchy people in a Burger King or remember a beaten up old car briefly pausing in a drive thru.

While never giving much thought to how he looked (short of checking for ginger roots and the bruise on his cheek from where his mother had slapped that smile from his face), Neil does remember his weight fluctuating a lot when he was younger. The more stressful the months, the chubbier he got. It was in the quiet periods as he and his mother settled down and didn’t dare to venture into the supermarket too often that he began to lose it again. It was a cycle.

In Millport, Neil was at his lowest weight yet. There was only a solitary McDonald’s in town and Neil wasn’t about to become a regular. He stocked up on tinned food from the supermarket in his first week in town instead and meticulously made his way through them, heating the can up on the hot plate he had bought for four dollars from the thrift store in the high street.

He gained weight again once he started at Palmetto, he gained muscle mass too. This, of course, was thanks to three free meals a day and a new training regime with daily exercise. It was to be expected, but if, perhaps, he gained weight quicker than his teammates and muscle slower, well, he had bigger things to worry about.

Then he knew he was going to live.

Then everything with the Moriyamas was…well, not gone, but resolved.

That’s not to say there was nothing to stress about. There was the influx of reporters wanting to catch the Foxes’ attention to ask about Nathaniel Wesninski. There was Kevin’s impending break down as Riko’s funeral came and went. There was Aaron’s trial. Honestly it probably would have gone as stressful situations for Neil always go - here and gone just as quickly - except it turns out that Nicky cooks when he’s stressed, and Neil, well, he’s a stress eater.

After Aaron is declared innocent, Nicky resumes as normal. Neil…not quite. He’s constantly opening the cupboards to look for something to eat only to close them again when he finds nothing of interest. Without Nicky cooking, there’s nothing he can easily dig into and Neil, while accumulating many skills over the years, had never been a hand in the kitchen. The only things ready-eat that were consistently in the dorm were ramen and ice-cream. Even the thought of ramen makes Neil want to vomit and Neil wasn’t so desperate that he would resort to eating something as sweet as ice cream. Not that Andrew would let him if he did. (Andrew wasn’t a sharer).

He started to feel hungry.

He was always hungry.

The first few days he started to skip meals, he didn’t even notice he was doing it. Surely he didn’t notice he was doing it.

It’s just -

Here’s the thing.

Maybe he stress eats. Maybe his mother did too. They spent long car journeys with a family sized bag of potato chips resting by the gear stick and they spent half the time stuffing handfuls into their mouths and the other half checking the mirrors for cars that stayed behind them a touch to long. So maybe he stress ate, but it was never because of hunger: it was because of craving. It was because it gave him something to do with his hands. It was only when things quietened down, when the weeks turned long with the monotonous almost-existence that took up the majority of Neil’s life growing up (here’s something no one tells you about life on the run, in between the moments of sheer terror, it’s very very very boring), it was only then, that Neil actually began to feel things like hunger.

So when the hunger pangs began to curdle in his stomach, well, he didn’t mind. It meant he was safe enough to feel the hunger.

Maybe for the first couple of days he didn’t notice it. But then he noticed it.

He noticed enough to avoid things like rice and bread. Danger foods that packed on the calories and that made him bite the inside of his cheek until it bled at the mere thought. He noticed enough that he began to watch the others train and saw their muscles flex and couldn’t help but track their muscle growth and measure it up against his own. He always found himself lacking.

That’s when it started to get worse. If Allison spent 20 minutes on the treadmill. Then Neil would do 30. If Kevin did 40 push ups. Then Neil would do 50. If Renee had a salad for lunch, then Neil would just have a fruit pot.

The first time Andrew noticed that he skipped a meal, Neil just blinked. Being who he was, Neil didn’t do stupid things like stumble for lies and this time was no different. When Andrew asked about him not eating Neil just blinked like he hadn’t even noticed until Andrew brought it up.

He blinked and said “oh, you’re right. I got so caught up in watching exy reruns i didn’t even notice”

He said, “thanks, I’ll grab something in a sec”

Andrew breathed a scoffing breath down his nose, rolled his eyes and called him a junkie. He didn’t look at all surprised, as though Neil was only confirming what he had already guessed. Which of course is the trick all good liars employ.

Neil wondered if he would be surprised if he were to find out how impossible it would be for Neil to forget a meal time. He could never forget. All he thought about was food. It was all he thought about.

Food began to feel like it was all he cared about. Cared about more than school. Cared about more than exy. Is it terrible of him that that more than anything else feels like the worst thing?

And then, as things do, it got worse.

It turned into Neil stood in front of the mirror (looking at his body but not his eyes, never his eyes) and pinching the flesh between his fingers. Noticing every part of him that didn’t harden into muscle like the others. Noticing all the scars that had stretched strangely over a waist and thighs that are no longer as small.

He begins to peck at his food. Rip it into tiny pieces. Andrew looks down at his plate and glowers at him. Neil gives him a cheeky grin. He knows what he’s thinking. That this is just another one of those Andrew-mannerisms that Neil is taking on for himself. Like the sarcastic salutes and the blank, waiting stares. It’s so much easier to hide how little you’ve eaten when it’s all in pieces.

He didn’t know how to explain it. He just knows he needs to be thinner. He needs to weigh less. It’s not about looks. It’s never been about looks. He just needs to do this. He needs to be smaller. It will be alright then. Because then…then…

Well it will be alright then.

So here’s the thing about guilt and self loathing: they’re useless emotions. Andrew would be quick to agree. (Though Andrew is a hypocrite and is chock full of the both of them). His mother would agree too. How many times had Neil slipped poison into someone’s drink, stole from someone just as desperate, shot someone who maybe or maybe-not deserved it? And how many times after that did his mother pinch and prod at him and repeat the same mantra of “don’t you dare let guilt slow you down, you slow down and you’re dead”

Well, Mum, he’s slowed down. He slowed down so much that he’s stopped altogether and guess what? He fucking hates himself.

He replays it all in his head like a terrible loop. The boy in Switzerland that he tricked into taking his jacket so His fathers men would go after him instead. The old women he and his mother tricked into housing them and then slipped something in her tea until she slept and never woke up again. The homeless man who had broken into the house they were squatting in that Neil had shot on instinct. Seth.

Seth. Seth. Seth.

He fucking hates himself. Honestly the hunger pains kind of feel like the best thing he’s ever felt after that. The pain, the ache, he deserves it.

Then it gets worse. Then comes the worst part.

Andrew’s meds change again. The others had begun to make him irritable and he always had an energy crash by about 5pm and a terrible headache. The new ones wouldn’t be of much note as they did nothing groundbreakingly different, short of getting rid of the headaches and not sapping so much of his energy.

Except for one key side effect of the meds.

They suppressed Andrew’s appetite.

More and more Andrew is missing meals. He won’t even eat more than a tablespoon of ice cream. Neil watches him and adjusts himself to suit. He doesn’t know why, but he just can’t be eating more than him, he can’t.

The frustration he feels about Andrew’s meds soon turn to resentment. He hates that he has to watch Andrew not eat and not seem affected by it at all. Andrew lessens his exercise under Betsy’s advice and yet nothing changes. His weight stays the same. He probably even loses some thanks to the loss of muscle. Neil watches and Neil hates. He hates that if he skipped out on training he would pack on the pounds, he hates that his stomach hurt and hurts and Andrew doesn’t spare a thought on food at all.

He starts to avoid the roof. He starts to dodge Andrew’s gaze the same way he does his own in the mirror.

The next time they’re alone and Andrew leans in, more hesitant than he’s been in months, Neil jerks back and snaps “No.”

It isn’t even completely because of the resentment. The majority of it is because he feels disgusting and fat and he can’t bare Andrew touching him right now. Can’t bare him looking at him.

Andrew’s face closes off and he slides back to the other side of the couch. He’s searching Neil’s face, trying to find the misstep, trying to find what he did wrong.

Good, let him think he did something wrong.

Now that’s the resentment.

It’s immediately one of the worst things Neil has ever thought. He remembers sitting, trembling, on the roof, Andrew refusing to touch him saying “I wont be like them, I wont let you let me be”

And Neil’s trying to make him think, wants to make him feel -

Jesus Christ. He’s a piece of fucking shit.

He slams his way out of the dorm and runs and runs and runs.

He sleeps in the locker room and slumps out in the morning so he’s first in the main room for the meeting with Wymack. He sits on a chair that’s as far away from every other seat as it can get while still completing the make do semi-circle around where Wymack usually stands. When the others begin to filter in they take in his new seat, but don’t comment when they see his storming expression.

When Andrew sees him he pauses for a beat in the doorway before continuing to his usual seat on the couch. He stares at Neil blankly, but his hands are clenching and unclenching in his lap. Wymack hesitates but doesn’t say anything. The others play at being uninterested and only Aaron openly looks between Neil and Andrew with a steadyingly darkening expression.

Neil slams his locker and gets changed in the cubicles for the first time in months. He’s vicious in practice. Throwing in as many dirty moves as he can. Andrew stands in the goal and does nothing. When it’s only Wymack’s sharp whistle that stops Neil bringing his racket down on Matt’s arm when he attempts to steal the ball, Neil is benched.

He yanks off his helmet and slumps down on the bench and tries to remember how to breathe through rage.

He’s sat, pinching at the skin on his thigh, for ten minutes before Allison joins him. She holds out a breakfast bar and Neil stiffens.

“Eat, it might help you stop being such a raging asshole,” she says.

Neil takes the breakfast bar and when she doesn’t immediately leave he opens it and snaps a bit off with his fingers.

He stares down the rolled oats and nuts and grimaces at the sticky feeling of the syrup that holds them together. He feels sick.

“Are you going to eat?” Allison says.

Neil looks at her and huffs a bitter breath through his nose. A wry smile pulls at the corner of his lips.

He remembers that Allison battled bulimia for years.

You can’t lie to a liar.

She looks at his face. Concern trying to become anger that she’s trying to force to stay concern. She looks at his face and then over at Andrew, who is stood in his goal watching them as Kevin shouts at him to fucking do something already. She looks back at Neil.

“You know, relationships are hard enough without mental health problems in the mix. Seth and I were a terrible combination for many reasons and that was one them. I’m not saying it can’t be done or that it shouldn’t be done, I’m just saying it makes it so much harder. He used to try to make me eat. I hated him for that. Hated that I had to hide my own habits in my own room. One day, after he stopped me from going to purge one too many times we got into an argument. I said some disgusting things to him. The next day he was in the hospital because of an overdose. He had to get his stomach pumped. You know what the worst thing is? I don’t even remember what it is I said. I don’t know if what I did triggered him or if it would have happened anyway, but it couldn’t have helped. You’re always going to trigger each other at one point or another, it’s unavoidable. But if you know that and you don’t do anything to help yourself…well that’s when every shit thing you think about yourself starts to become true. So tell me, are you a piece of shit that’s going to drag everyone down with you, or are you better than that?”

Neil looks down at the breakfast bar. He still can’t make himself eat it.

He swallows harshly against the lump in his throat. He has to swallow two more times until he’s sure he can talk without crying.

“What’s betsy’s number?” He asks.

Allison doesn’t smile, but she nods like he’s done the right thing and pulls out her phone.

SIDE NOTE: I’d like to point out that Neil is very flawed and toxic in his thinking and Allison is harsh in what she says to him just because she’s a harsh person. If you have an eating disorder I know sometimes help and recovery seems like the worst thing in world and something you really don’t want, but please, please seek help. You can do it.

#Neil josten #andrew minyard #Allison Reynolds #the foxhole court #andreil #all for the game #anorexia #eating disorder

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kevindayscrown · 3 years

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Ah, I love your series with Kevin and Eric so so much! It's so good. Now that you said about prompts, I kind of would like to see Kevin talking with Jean about Eric (and maybe Jean talking a bit to Kevin about Jeremy). Of course you don't have to if you think it wouldn't belong to the plot/series but, if I'm being honest I would like to see your take on this! :')

Hello! Thank you for taking time to send me your request! For some reason, the most asked prompt both here and on insta was Kevin/Jean and their discussion about Eric! So I'll start with this one (and you were the first to send me it).

The one where Kevin Day falls in love with an ice hockey player.

Extra Content Part 2

Ghosts

Anything included in this head canon takes place the semester after the Foxes won the championship against the Ravens.

Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about varsity teams in the United States so excuse any false information. Head over to the directory to find the previous parts, and follow this link for the fan fic version.

Kevin still rarely talks about Jean Moreau and everything cruel that took place in the Nest. He touches very briefly upon that subject, and even when he does, he hardly ever mentions the former Raven backliner.

He knows that Eric won't push it but it becomes clear that, as the final match between the Foxes and the Trojans approaches, Kevin is more jittery and nervous.

Usually, he expresses these emotions through being extra snarky. It's also the match that will declare the champions of the season, which only adds to his demands on court.

The Foxes can hardly stand his behaviour, so they let Eric do damage control. He seems to be the only one able to tame Kevin after a total of seven hours of practice per day.

Eric has managed to find a few of Kevin's buttons that help the other relax and ease off the tension, but it doesn't always work.

It does nothing when the day of the game finally arrives.

This year, it's a home game for the Foxes, so they are saved from the trouble of travelling across the country. They can hardly accommodate the crowd this match will attract, but they know they will still have the support of their loyal fans.

Eric takes a seat fifteen minutes before first serve. He can see from the stands that, even during warm ups, Kevin is unusually silent for someone who can't stop talking about the Trojans or about game tactics.

The game finally starts and it reminds the ice hockey player of a death match. There is violent collision of bodies, curses and fights, but it's apparently all fair game. It surprises Eric, but not enough to make him take his eyes off of Kevin.

The way he moves on court, brings about a wave of pride that overwhelms Eric. He can't help the smile on his face nor the way he cheers every time Kevin scores.

However, much to the Palmetto students' dismay, the Foxes lose 8-10. The 'renovations' the Trojans did to their lineup last year and the addition of perhaps the best Class I bakcliner on their team, is enough to create the small point gap needed to secure them a victory.

Eric can already tell Kevin will not be happy about it. He decides to give the team time to process the loss and waits outside of the Foxhole Court.

Which means that the Foxes have to deal with Kevin taking their ears off about everything that went wrong. Only few of them could tell, however, that Kevin was probably judging himself the harshest for every lost opportunity.

No one wants or has the guts to tell him that many times, Kevin would hesitate simply because his offence was met with Jean's defence.

The only one who decides to do something about it is Neil. Jeremy Knox seems to agree to his plan and the two of them manage to persuade both teams to help.

And that's how Kevin finds himself facing his former teammate as he comes out of the showers, dressed and ready to leave.

The number three on the other's cheek makes Kevin want to reach for his own tattoo, to look in the mirror and see if the '2' is still there.

"Jean," he says and walks over to his locker. "What are you doing here?" His voice comes out somewhat empty and void of emotions, even if there is a whirlwind of them in his head.

"That was a good game. Your hand seems to have almost fully healed," Jean says instead.

Kevin flinches. He remembers the night he left and he is sure Jean does too. He is sure that Riko took all of his rage out on the one left behind.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," he finally says.

Jean says nothing at first. He simply stares at the other. They are obviously both still haunted by ghosts of the past. And Kevin is still weighted down by the guilt of thinking only of himself that night, no matter how injured he had been.

"It doesn't matter now. That's in the past. We have both gone our own ways."

Kevin can see that. Jean looks... healthier. He has gained weight and his light skin looks less ashen than it did the last time Kevin saw him.

"The Trojans-"

"The Trojans have taken me in and have helped me stand on my own two feet. It was the best thing you could have done for me."

Kevin nods. He had known that the two of them would never be able to play on the same court together again, exactly because of their shared past.

"And I thank you for it. I know the Foxes are right for you too."

Kevin is not so sure about that sometimes, but he knew that if Wymack had not taken him in, he wouldn't be here now.

"Are you happy?" Jean finally asks. It sounds almost absurd; the two of them, happy. They had never even been allowed to make such thought in the past.

But he thinks of Eric, he thinks of his father, he thinks of all the victories he has shared with the Foxes, and nods.

"I am."

"So they were right. About you and that hockey player."

The last thing Kevin expected out of a conversation between him and Jean was to talk about his love life. But eventually, he nods slowly in confirmation.

"Yes. They were right. We are together. We have been for several months now."

Jean crosses his arms on front of his chest and watches Kevin carefully, as if calculating what to say next.

"If he can tolerate you for months now, then I suppose it does work out."

Kevin could hear the meaning behind those words. 'Don't screw up'. But he has already done so once and he isn't planning on doing it a second time.

"It does. My boyfriend comes to all my games and is there when I need him. That's enough."

Jean nods, and there is a far off look that tells Kevin that he is thinking of something similar.

"Give Jeremy my thanks. Tell him that tonight's game was good enough that it almost doesn't feel like a loss."

The small laugh that comes out of Jean catches Kevin off guard. He supposes that the Trojans have done a lot more for Jean than he had expected.

"I'll tell him. He seems to value what you have to say," he says and Kevin scoffs, grabbing his duffel bag from the locker before closing it.

"And of course you would know." Normally, someone would perceive this as teasing, but Kevin is very clear about the meaning behind his words and is sure that Jean has also understood.

"I spend a lot of quality time with my Captain. I've gotten close with him, as it's expected."

Kevin just nods, walking besides the other towards the exit.

"We will see each other again on court next year," he finally adds once they are a few feet away from their awaiting teams. "You better be prepared."

"Don't worry about that, Day. I'm sure we will get to talk again before that," is the last thing Jean says before leaving.

Kevin watches him until he feels an arm being wrapped around his waist. He turns to look at Eric, with a characteristic scowl.

"It was a good game, if that's any comfort to you," the goaltender says and chuckles as he presses a kiss to Kevin's temple.

Kevin rolls his eyes but despite tonight's loss, he somehow feels lighter in his chest.

#all for the game #aftg #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten #the foxhole court #kevin day #the raven king #the kings men #matt boyd #kevin day x oc #OC: Jiang Eric #nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #dan wilds #renee walker #allison reynolds #aftg fic #aftg headcanon

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buriedinbaltimore · 3 years

Text

I’ve seen some more discussion on Kevin being morally gray lately, specifically in these posts from palmett-hoes here and i-did here

Kevin was not only a victim, but also a participant in the fucked up hierarchy and abusive culture of the Nest. He benefited from his position as Riko’s second and one of the “sons of exy”. He didn’t have the power to stop or change anything, but that doesn’t make him less accountable for his part in it.

I think this concept is something that the books illustrate beautifully with the post-Drake confrontation between Andrew and Neil.

Neil was just trying to help Nicky out by getting Andrew to agree to dinner. He had no way of knowing or even suspecting what would happen. But Andrew still points out that his actions led to the attack.

And Neil turns around and points out that Andrew didn’t stop Drake from preying on other kids. Andrew was in juvie, he tried to get Luther to stop Cass from taking in more kids, he did what all he thought he could at the time. And yet, he still has some responsibility.

When someone asked Nora about that exchange she points out;

Andrew understands the difference between assigning blame & blaming someone. He can tell Neil You had a hand in this without meaning You did this to me. He isn’t holding Neil personally accountable for what happened to him, but that doesn’t mean Neil didn’t play some part in the tragedy.

So back to Kevin, I think it is important to consider how his time in the nest and everything it entailed affected him and at the same time not dismiss or forget where he might have had a hand in things. Because I don’t think Kevin will ever be able to forget, and it’s as much a part of his character as all his other trauma.

We get tiny glimpses in canon of Kevin dealing with it. After Renee rescues Jean, Neil convinces Kevin to talk to him by reminding him;

"You already walked away from him once knowing what Riko would do to him in your absence. Don't do it again. If you don't protect him now, his death is on you."

Later in that scene Neil tells Kevin that he is more afraid of losing everything than the consequences that may come from holding on.

"I don't understand." "You do, or you wouldn't have trusted Andrew and Coach in the first place. Problem is you put yourself in their hands and refused to commit any further than that. You think Riko will hurt you for your defiance, so you're afraid to step too far out of line. But this middle ground won't save you forever.”

Kevin survived in the Nest by managing to stay in that middle ground, he protected people when he could*, but he never defied Riko. He was there for everything Riko did to Jean, he stood by Riko’s side through all of it. It wasn’t his choice, and he couldn’t have stopped it without risking his own safety, but he was there. Now that he is no longer in the Nest he needs to come to terms with his past or else he’ll never be able to move forward.

*so I inferred this from one line in canon that always intrigues me but I’ve never seen discussed. My thoughts on it kinda tie into the discussion of Kevin being morally gray, and since we’re already here…

After Kathy’s show, Riko is telling Kevin he should get rid of Neil and Kevin says he as potential (this is before Riko knows who Neil really is). Riko responds with;

"You said that goalkeeper had potential and then wrote him off as useless when I offered him to you. You'll get bored of this one just as quickly. Believe me."

Which I take to mean that after Andrew refused to join the Ravens, Riko offered to do something to force Andrew to sign, and Kevin called him off. There are so many ways that could be interpreted, but I tend to believe his reasons were because

A) Kevin really believed it wouldn’t be worth it to them. Andrew’s strength of character, stubbornness, and lack of care for his own well being would have made it nearly impossible to break him into playing the way they’d want him to. (Kevin would have figured that out from the research they did on him & their meeting)

and

B) Kevin was trying to protect Andrew from whatever Riko planned. He already had to witness all the cruelty and abuse that Riko put Jean and the other Ravens through, but Kevin had no control over that. Jean was property and the Ravens had all signed up for the team and could theoretically quit at any time. He was the one who wanted to recruit Andrew, Andrew didn’t want to join, so if Riko forced him on to the team it would be all because of Kevin, and any abuse Andrew would face would be Kevin’s fault.

Now it would be easy to focus on B, Kevin’s guilt and compassion, because A is a cold-hearted calculation about Andrew’s value. In a cost-benefit analysis of the effort it would take to get Andrew’s playing up to scratch and how much it would actually improve the team, it’s not worth it for the Ravens to put so much into one player. Kevin writes him off as a waste, unusable to him. Seems pretty cruel for a man who later promised to give Andrew’s something to build his life around.

But, if Kevin didn’t have that understanding of both Andrew’s strength and potential, he never would have trusted him to protect him. He wouldn’t have believed that Andrew could stand up to Riko, and possibly more importantly, he wouldn’t have had something to work towards after Riko broke his hand. Because while it may not have been worth it to whip Andrew into shape for the Ravens, the difference Andrew’s talent made to the Foxes was huge. Kevin latches on to Andrew’s potential as his own way back to exy. The other Foxes weren’t worth his time, but Andrew was.

If all that is true, why even believe that Kevin cared about Andrew at all? He was just using him for his own gain, right? Well, first, when Kevin called Riko off he had no reason to believe that he would ever need Andrew’s help. He went to PSU for Wymack, not Andrew, and their deal and everything that came after pretty much came down to right-place right-time kismet.

At the time Riko made the offer, it probably was less about Andrew as a person and more about Kevin not wanting to feel responsible for putting anyone else in Riko’s sights. We saw with Kevin’s reactions to Neil how he could be caring and compassionate and even to a degree self-sacrificing. When he finds out the truth about who Neil is, he tells him to run away and save himself, even though that would cost the Foxes the season, in which case he would be extremely vulnerable to going back to Edgar Allen. When Neil comes back from winter break he offers to talk about his experience with him. And even in the scene this is all about, after Kathy’s show, Riko goes to grab Neil and Kevin stops him, getting elbowed in the face before Andrew shows up.

Without considering both A and B, you don’t get a full picture of Kevin’s character.

#i feel like im missing something #its 4am i really shouldnt post this without sleeping then proof reading it but oh welll #i have lots more thoughts about Kevin and Andrew and their friendship and deal #but some other time #jes.post #aftg #kevin day #do i want this in the tag? probably not...#jes go to bed

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