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ashthemadwriter-archived · 1 year

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What if I...

—You make a tempting, unexpected offer; how are they going to react?

Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs

Pairings: Dazai, Chuuya, Nikolai, Fyodor, Sigma, Jouno X Fem!Reader

Warnings: Suggestive content, mentions of giving blowjobs (whether it'll happen or not is up to you lol), unstablished relationship (you're just friends, but are you..?), rushed writing

Genre: Humor

Format: Drabble

Word Count: 1.6K

↳Osamu Dazai"

Listen y/n..." Dazai cooes at you. "I'm a little bit busy with... uh, work; so I don't think I'll be able to accompany you on this mission"

Shaking your head to the side with frustration, you bend a little on the desk, gazing into his Hazel eyes to show your desperation "Oh c'mon Dazai! You're not seriously gonna make me go to this tiresome mission by myself?! They're all politicians! It's gonna be boring as hell!"

The pile of paperwork on his desk are making you question your eyesight, but you know Dazai better than that. He probably saw it coming so he placed them there on purpose to prove his point.

...Not that it could exactly be called a "point".

"Listen..." Your voice is so low that only Dazai can hear it. "There must be some way for me to change your mind"

His expression doesn't change one bit, still looking through the documents for nothing, pretending to be occupied. "Sorry to burst your bubbles, but I really can't—"

"What if I suck your dick?"

Eyes shooting you a shocked gaze and hands staying still, it seems like he's completely lost interest in the paperwork. He's looking through your soul and the moment his lips start moving, you know you've won the battle.

"For... for real?" "Yes, for real"

The surprised face is all gone and instead, there's a totally new face now; a smug face of a man who's gonna team up with you for the mission and get a little prize in the end.

"So when do we leave?"

↳Chuuya Nakahara

"Listen Chuuya, with great looks comes great responsibility. There's a reason why you're this hot!"

The red-haired man looked away as an attempt to hide his flustered face, his voice still gravely. "Stop it y/n. I'm not gonna be your model for the photoshoot"

"Why not? You're the perfect choice!" "The answer's no! Get over it"

"Hmph! You're no fun" You crossed your arms and pouted as you leaned to the chair. You couldn't make heads or tails of it. Why was he so against being your model? You were just gonna take a few photos of him wearing casual clothes and maybe some light makeup. It was for your photography class and you were supposed to take a pic of somebody under the rays of sunset. With Chuuya's red hair and blue eyes, it would be a breath taking pic. He just looked so pretty under the sun.

As Chuuya took the bottle to sip from it, you found yourself desperate enough to give it one last shot.

"What if I suck your dick as a payment?"

And then the explosion happened. Chuuya's hand snapped, the bottle fell on the floor and drops of wine literally squirted out of his mouth. He was coughing so strongly that you rushed over and started hitting him in the back like he was some kind of ketchup bottle. His face was crimson red, but whether it was from choking or embarrassment, you couldn't really tell.

When he finally came down and caught his breath, he placed his hand on his chest and looked at you with eyes the same size as a baseball, meanwhile you looked at him miserably with the word "sorry" written all over your face.

"So... is that a yes?" "NO!"

Well, at least you nearly killed him.

↳Jouno Saigiku

"Ok I don't know why you're refusing. I'm just giving you the opportunity to make up for your mean attitude by doing something nice! You know, to go to heaven, like me and other nice people, Teccho for example"

Jouno was still expressionless. He merely sipped his cup of coffee and placed his hat on the table. "I appreciate the offer, but after a lifetime we definitely need a break from each other"

"Ugh you jerk! C'mon it's a piece of cake for you! You've arrested plenty of people before! You're smart, you're strong and I came to you for help which shows that I'm really desperate!"

Your relationship with Jouno was... questionable. He teased you, had a tendency to piss you off all the time, but somehow you were friends. The weirdest type of friendship that had ever existed, probably.

"I can see that. See I do wanna help you out, but I just love seeing the new you"

Shaking your head to the side, you leaned back to the couch. A hard case was given to you and you really didn't want to blow it up, but you needed help, and everyone else were busy. Except for your horrible friend here.

"Jouno, Jouno, Please..." You took his left, gloved hand. "I need you! I'll do anything in return! I'll team up with you and insult Teccho for a whole year! I'll write every one of your reports! I'll even suck your d—"

Jouno didn't hear your voice anymore. In fact, the only thing heard in the room was pure silence, and of course your heartbeat.

You were shocked.

He got his hand out of your grasp, placing it next to your head. His other hand found its way to your lips, softly caressing them. Meanwhile you didn't say a word, just stared at his handsome face and swallowed your saliva.

"Hypothetically, if I help you out, how far would you go to make it up to me?"

Forget about your friendship. You weren't that close anyway.

↳Fyodor Dostoevsky

"I'm going to go to my parents' with my boyfriend tonight"

"I thought you didn't have a boyfriend, dear" Fyodor tilted his head to the side to gaze at you.

"I don't! That's where you come in!"

Nikolai exchanged a look between your nervous expression and Fyodor's smile, and pouted. "Hey! Why didn't you ask me instead?"

"Yeah yeah, if I ever wanted to give them a heart attack you'd be the first person I'll go to" You sighed and looked back at Fyodor. "So? Would you please help me out?"

Fyodor was sitting next to you on a chair. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "Ah... I'm not sure about that. Wouldn't it make our relationship awkward?"

"No! No not at all!" Your voice was rushed and shaky. "You see you're the perfect choice for this"

"Hmph!"

"Shut up Nikolai. I mean, you're tall, you know how to talk to people— in a satisfying way, ah, you know what I mean, you're handsome, you have very pretty hair, you have the most beautiful violet eyes I can stare at until forever..."

His brattish smirk made you shut up and give a few embarrassed coughs. Your flushed cheeks weren't exactly helping you out at the moment.

"Eh... So you're the best in many ways... Now, would you please help me out?"

Fyodor gave Nikolai-who was also smirking- a meaningful look, and his smirk got broader. "I will think about it"

"What's there to think about? You get to have a free dinner and also have a great time! My dad has the same taste in books as you! I'll even suck your dick at the end!"

You suddenly shut up and stared at the two men with eyes the same size as a racket ball. Now there was also two pare of knitted eyebrows along with the smirks. Nikolai's winking and muttering "Yeah baby" didn't help you loosen up at all.

Fyodor leaned closer until the phrase "personal space" lost its meaning, staring at you. His pretty eyes were sparkling, making it harder to steal your gaze from them. His voice was as gentle as the sea breeze, the perfect melody to caress your ears.

"So... I'll get to date the most beautiful girl in the world, spend a whole night with her and then get something afterwards?"

You were so drowned in your thoughts that you couldn't utter a single word. This moment was magical, making you wonder if he were going to seal your lips with his, totally forgetting about Nikolai's presence.

...Until he started talking.

"Do you guys want me to leave the room? Cause there's no way I'm doing that"

↳Nikolai Gogol

"...Which is why clowns are so fragile and have strong emotions!"

You shook your head with disappointment. "Yeah yeah, get it. But that doesn't answer my question"

"What was your question anyway?"

Ugh.

"Would you please babysit my cousins with me?"

"Hahaha! I remember now!" His face brightened with joy. "Well, no"

You leaned closer to him miserably. "Oh c'mon Kolya!"

"Sorry dove, I just don't get along with children. Not a fan"

"But they're triplets Kolya! I can't handle them on my own!" At this point you were literally begging. "Pretty please?"

"Triplets? Ha! Another reason for me to say no"

Well, that was it. You were going to be alone with your naughty cousins for four hours and then hand a burned house and probably only one of the boys back to your aunt because you lost the other two.

"Unless..."

Ah! There's still some hope left.

"You offer me something in return?"

Nikolai's face was dangerously close to yours. His smile was bright, but his intention didn't seem to be. Although that didn't scare you. It only made your body numb with excitement and through your clouded mind, you somehow put two and two together and blurted something out.

"Eh... What if.. What if I suck your di— Woah Nikolai what are you doing?"

A chuckle left his mouth as if something simple had happened, but this wasn't simple. He had just lifted you up and was carrying you bridal style to your bedroom.

"You took the hint all by yourself. How about that, my naughty dove?"

"K— Kolya! Where are you taking me?"

Your red cheeks only made his smile broader. "We're gonna get your clothes changed, go to your aunt's aweful house, babysit your horrible cousins, and then get ready for a night of fun"

↳Sigma

"So... How's the best manager in the world?"

Sigma's stare was still pointed at the documents. "I'm not planning a birthday party for your friend y/n"

"What are you talking about?" You smiled cunningly, lightly caressing his arm from the other side of the desk. "Can't I just compliment my incredible friend? Who happens to be an expert in planning and managing stuff?"

When you two first met, he used to get flustered by your flattering comments, but now Sigma's eyebrows only jumped in surprise. "You... can, but it won't change my mind"

"Pretty please?" Dropping the act, you got up from your seat and stood next to him, putting both of your hands on his shoulders. "I really need your help. I don't have a clue about this and you're the only one I know"

"I'm sorry y/n, but I'm caught up with work. You know that the casino is very busy this time of year, there's nothing I can do"

You sighed and sat on the chair again, desperately thinking about a way to convince him. What would make men do women a favor...

"What if I suck you dick?"

Sigma was still staring at the documents, which made you wonder if he had heard you, but his eyes were not the same. They were widened. He slowly lifted his head and looked at you like he was about to chop off his hand and stick it down his ass, and that made you finally realize it.

"Oh I forgot that you're three years old! I mean you haven't even hit puberty yet. Oops. My bad"

Yeah, Sigma needed new friends.

Tag List:

@pussydrunkfyodor @h8kolya @exhausted-doll @rosasensibles @nekokinax @paperllama @the-foreigner @arsonklee @fayenfim @c4xcocoa @asqmi @blueberry-writer @ryokuryuu @ayladove @sinfullysophiastrange @sugarcherryemo @whossuzy @sigmazcasino @linn-a-a @uottani @ilovechuuyaa @ezraiix @aeshiiteiru @dreamcastgirl99 @bestiewhat

Want to be added to my bsd tag list?

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hitomisuzuya · 1 year

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Scaramouche x fem!reader. Smut. Degradation. Praise. A sprinkle of sensory deprivation. Possessive behavior. College AU

Tagging @xxventiswindblumexx cause they linked me to this playlist that had random voice lines of Scara speaking in the middle of song and it distracted me so many times. They watched my struggle on chat lol. Song choice is ET by Katy Perry.

Scaramouche had no idea if you could feel his glare piercing into you. He sat on the edge of his bed, watching you work.

Your hair was in those long loose pony tails you divided your hair into sometimes. He especially loved to pull on them, especially if he wanted a kiss or something more.

He could smell that you'd changed your perfume to the scent you wore in the winter months. He thought the light pink color of the perfume in the bottle didn't suit you the first time he had sprayed it on his wrist so he could smell you. He doubted you knew he'd first done that while you were taking some new first years out on a trail ride. But the scent, the scent suites you well, he thought. Scaramouche was positive winter had a scent, it would smell like your perfume.

Then let the world be sentenced a lifetime of frost and snow.

Scaramouche heard you hum softly to yourself, some song you'd heard on the radio earlier.

He'd had enough. How dare you make noises that weren't being caused by his touch. How dare you smell so good.

But most of all, how dare you act so composed with your precious concentration unfazed, not focused on him, especially now that you were alone with him. Scaramouche knew he could snap your concentration like a twig underneath his feet. Even better that you were focused on something horse related. It was the extra cherry on top for him.

I mean, it must be so exhausting, concentrating so hard when you were around horses. One wrong move and things could go badly in an instant. All it would take was a single loud noise.

Scaramouche smacked a hand down on his desk next to your hand. He got a sigh but nothing more than that. He'd made corner of the paper flutter a little. He reached up and tugged on one of your ponytails, curling the end around his fingers. His eyes widened when he saw goosebumps prickle onto your skin.

Time to push a bit more.

He tucked a some stray strands of hair that had fallen loose from your ponytails behind your ear. "This isn't important to you anymore," he murmured, husky in your ear.

You shivered when you felt his breath lick at your ear. You stiffened. "I need to get this done, Scara. I told her that I would help her with this new horse," you said, doing your best to ignore him.

Scaramouche took the pencil out of your hand, snapping it in two, his black nails contrasting with the wood. "No, you don't. You said yourself that they aren't a good match. She is too *green and the horse is too young. She can barely saddle him without crying to you for help. Don't coddle her. She probably thinks she is your equal."

He laughed, sounding like honey in your ears. "Look at me, the nerdy horse girl is making me use terms I don't understand. I'm just as pathetic as you are."

You flicked the pieces of the pencil across his desk, brushing off the paper filled with notes and tips. "Takes someone green to know someone green, Scara," you replied.

His eyebrow twitched.

"I don't think you heard me, slut. I believe I made myself clear that you are finished helping her. It is not your job to look after them. Especially not when I want your attention instead," he snapped, yanking on one of your ponytails. "These are my rabbits feet to tug on as I please. You were wearing your hair like this when we first met."

"As their Captain, it is my job," you said firmly. You needed to have a firm hand to handle Scaramouche. He loved that about you. Usually everyone was afraid to talk back to him. But not you. "Five minutes, okay?"

Scaramouche's fingers brushed against your throat, hovering a hand over your eyes. "Those five minutes have already passed," his hand dipped down into your shirt, groping one of your breasts.

You would focus on him like he wanted.

"I can hear your heart starting to pound. You are frantically trying to figure out where my hand is going to go next. I wish I could see the look on your face," he pinch your nipple outside of your bra, his mouth watering when he pulled your first sigh of pleasure.

Time to stop on your concentration and composure and grind it into dust.

Scaramouche's hand left your bra to trace his fingers along the length of your neck, dipping into your shoulders and down your arm. "Your body is begging for my touch. And your mouth certainly doesn't lie either. You are starting to moan whether you can hear yourself or not." Unbuttoning your pants, he probed his fingers against your clit, making a damp patch form. "It doesn't take much to wind you up. You are already wet for me."

You moved one of your legs so that your knee rested against the side of his desk. "You are making it hard to concentrate.." you trailed off, grinding up into his fingers.

Now he had you right where he wanted. Time to make you squirm a little. Dent your pride and make you submit completely. "Admit it, say you would rather ride me instead and I may grant you the privilege even though you back talked me."

"You are impossible..ahhh.." his fingers dipped into your panties and between your folds. The sensation was heightened from lack of sight.

"You want my fingers, don't you. Just say it, your time belongs to me first and foremost. I don't give just any whore my time and attention. Only you have that honor," he rubbed the pads of his fingers against your clit, teasing his fingers at your entrance.

You choke back a whine, pressing your thighs together for my friction. You hated that he made you feel so weak so fast. Maybe some part of you wanted to act undignified, that you were tired of always conducting yourself with a straight posture and a polite tone.

"What, no comeback for me. If that's how it's gonna be then," Scaramouche paused in thought for a moment. Taking his fingers off of your pussy earned the sweetest sound of desperation. He pushed two fingers into your mouth, pressing down in your tongue so he pump his fingers in your mouth. He laughed again, making you moan as you sucked on his fingers.

"You always suck on my fingers like you suck on my cock. Your mouth looks the prettiest wrapped around it. Now say it, kitten. Say you want me and I'll gladly let your slutty mouth go to work." Scaramouche removed his fingers, tugging the your hair ties out your hair. "I'll need all of your hair to fuck your throat. Now use your words."

You couldn't offer him a response as he pulled you the your hair to your feet. Instead, you showed him by sinking to your knees.

*green means a beginner.

#genshin impact #genshin smut #fem!reader #genshin imagines #scaramouche #scaramouche smut #scaramouche x you #scaramouche x reader #suzu after dark

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simonstamenovic · 10 months

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ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"

a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.

I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize

I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.

I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.

not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.

I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you

if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad

#puts this in my drafts to publish at atime to cause maximum damage to my #social circle and mental health bc i LOVE conflict and pain #< A JOKE lmao this has been causing me severe distress for ages so whatever unfollow me idc #outgoing transmission #idk when im gonna publish this ive been going back n forth w my therapist a lot #rhis maybbe repetitive im just uhh tired and have been legitimately driving myself crazy overthis for ages #bc honestly like i didnt exist as a person until age 14 at least and that person #wasnt... me. isn't me they dont exist to me anymore and im not sure #the one before 19 existed either its all fractured #is that trauma?? or is it something else. does that make me endogenic to you?? i really dont know or understand #you can decide for yourself. but im not comfortable saying either way.#i barely feel comfortable existing. i dont exist? as i type this 'i' is wrong but nothing else fits so far #we could go for we and we have befkre bht so far its so nonexistent whats the opposite of i #nothing...? [ ]#some blank. the dilemma is that nothing is real.#these tags are not. genuinly i am fake.#this will get published sometime in a haze and this body will wake up to a disaster.#not enough bridges burned i guess. sure.#back 2 sleep dont send me asks abt this jst block if ur gonna block

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glitchcel · 4 months

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15 people 15 questions!!!!

Tagged by @suzufield thank you yay ^^

This is a long one so it's under the cut and also idgaf I love hearing myself talk I love the sound of my own voice!!!!

Not really, my given name is that of a saint like most names from here tbh, but my mom picked it because it's short and she wanted people from everywhere around the world to be able to say it which is kind of cute. I don't have chosen name I have like 3 nicknames people alternate between, one of them is Ani or AniGC which I use on the internet and I don't plan on picking one I think not having a name is cool!

1. Are you named after anyone?

2. When was the last time you cried?

Nope, too young, and also having my own kids or parenting/fostering is not something I am fit to ever do I don't think I would be a good parent. I'm a lesbian so biological kids are kind of out the window (not really but don't want them regardless, better safe than sorry on this matter I think). I would love to work with kids though at least once in my lifetime.

Genuinely yesterday I love crying I cry all the damn time it helps me fall asleep. What the libs don't want you to know is that depression is actually awesome because you can cry all the fucking time and you don't need sleeping medication! Yay for mental illness!

3. Do you have kids?

4. What sports have you played/do you play?

I did karate for 8 or 9 years from ages of like 6-14, loved it, then I fell down the stairs and fucked up my spine and had to quit. Then I did swimming for a bit but nothing too serious and I quit that because I got bored now I do fuck all.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Yes a lot but I try to not get too irony poisoned lol, I mostly just say outlandish shit but I do use sarcasm.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

I couldn't tell you if you put a gun to my head. I don't fucking know 😭

7. Eye colour?

Brown! ^^

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

This is a strange one I'm not really big on either of these things. When it comes to horror I'm not really a fan of movies I feel like a thing inherently becomes a little less scary when you show it to me or when it's moving you know? Idk I like some of them but I really do enjoy horror books those are awesome. And for the other thing I don't know is it a happy ending for me or the characters? Like I enjoy all plot threads being tied together well but if that doesn't make my fav happy GOOD. Let that bitch suffer. To actually answer the question I think scary movies lmao.

9. Any talents?

Why yes I'm very awesome. Idk I'm a fast learner genuinely that's the biggest thing I've got going on I think almost everything I know I learned on my own accord, it was never given to me, and idk I'm kind of proud of that idgaf if it sounds corny. I can also dislocate my thumb that's kind of cool.

10. Where were you born?

In the hospital (Serbia but I don't like saying where I'm from too much I want to remain a Mysterious Figure On The Computer and now you have to ignore the fact that I frequently post about this)

11. What are your hobbies?

Running the risk of sounding like a loser nerd I love studying I love learning things if I could stay in school for the rest of my life I genuinely would. I love learning how shit works and I'm gonna be honest organic chemistry has been among my favourite things to study ever it's so perfectly logical and awesome one of the best sciences ever for sure. Besides that I like doing fuck all and taking the piss on the internet.

12. Do you have any pets?

Nope! Small apartment and not enough money or time to take care of them. One day I will get a cat though trust.

13. How tall are you?

184cm that's like 6'0" I think?

14. Favourite subject in school?

Idk probably physics. High school level chem was incredibly fucking boring I didn't even have to fart to get good grades. Math and programming were my original beloveds but I fell out of love with them very soon after starting high school due to bad experiences with teachers. So yeah probably physics idk the only subjects I think about at this point are the ones I'll have next year in college I can't fucking wait for atomistics.

15. Dream job?

I feel like a fucking idiot being at my age and telling people I want to be a scientist but like!!!!!! I do I genuinely do!!!! I want to be a researcher and do cool things I want to be entranced by the work I do maybe this sounds so incredibly optimistic because it's likely that if I become a researcher I'll be eating packet noodles for the rest of my life but!! That's my dream!!!

I cannot be assed to tag 15 people I'm sorry also I think everyone and their mom has done this at this point so I'll tag. 3 take it or leave it! Sorry if any of you have done this already 😭. Also if you haven't but don't want to that's fine lmao no pressure

@k-ru-h @viegoinahoodie @schrodingers-catgirl

#THEY LET ME OFF THE FUCKING BUS FINALLY

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clonerightsagenda · 6 months

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Another fun conversation I found while digging for those tidbits, this one about Maxwell and Pryce

Gill side note: while there is some exterior material to canon suggesting Pryce and Maxwell would Not get along it's very funny because how many steps from "I can rewrite a memory" and "experimenting on an AI unit to expand his capacity" is it really to hard-coding anxiety into an AI's personality matrix, and from there to scooping someone's brain out to replace it with a glorified RC rig Kat for real Gill this is unexplored territory people!! Kat I think Maxwell wants to believe she's an ethical AI scientist but when the rubber hits the road….she's not that different from Pryce Gill you'd rewrite them against their consent when you believe it's necessary just because your parameters for "when it's necessary" are narrower and less nakedly self-serving doesn't mean that isn't what's going on Kat I think she would see that as the 'kinder' option versus deleting Hera, but at the end of the day you're violating her consent when she was explicit that she'd rather die Gill you're still changing the building blocks of someone's identity based on what you believe is best for them against their explicit wishes not to Slippery Slope Argument but it would have been very fun to see Maxwell go off on Pryce and then have Pryce hit her upside the head with a devastating "we're not so different" speech Kat shame Maxwell didn't make it to s4 so she could be the restraining bolts and be like hm is this the inevitable slippery slope of my actions Still wonder how Maxwell thinks invented AI since she'd never heard of Pryce. was Cutter just like here's this cool tech. don't ask where it came from Kate I keep forgetting that… They don’t keep her secret, she co-published the DSSPPM Kat I guess that's true, it's possible she knew who Pryce was but just didn't recognize her Gill Maxwell: Surely, like all tech corporations, there is a large team of brilliant engineers who worked round the clock on this whose names will never be known in their lifetimes. The idea of the rock star genius entrepreneur is a myth. Dr Pryce: lol Kat actually no looking at the script, Pryce uses her name and Maxwell still asks who it is someone never read the survival manual Kate I can definitely imagine no one knows what Pryce looks or sounds like though Reclusive scientist And oh, huh Kat someone hearing Pryce talk for the first time: blorbo from my AI programs? Gill I mean how often do you pay attention to the authors of your Mandatory Corporate Reading Assignment Literature Also, side note; comms director Minkowski going ballistic on Alien Zombie Maxwell upon finding out she never even read the manual Kat Cutter: everyone kept complaining to me that 'oh your evil daughter killed and ate an intern' 'oh your evil daughter weaponized the microwave' like get over yourselves. now none of you get to see her there is canonically a separate si5 manual. Maxwell probably also didn't read that one Gill She’s like me, Re: the “Anything that’s actually important is something you learn while actually doing the job” attitude Kat Kepler: And you both read the SI5 manual correct Jacobi, deepest sigh of all: yes sir Maxwell sotto voice: kissass Maxwell had to read the fucking Bible as a child she's had enough of this shit Gill Apropos of nothing at all I am now imagining Pryce adding as an aside in an evil monologue “and also, I have prion disease” Kat Pryce: The rogue proteins keep dismantling my brain but I keep building it back together again faster Gill Goddard Futuristics rolls out a new treatment/preventative for prion disease Why did they make this? Don’t worry about it Kate “It’s for all those poor mad cows in England :) don’t worry about it :) “ Gill As in the alternative to “also I have prion disease” is “also one of my superpowers I invented for myself is immunity to prion disease. Do not ask why I did this or why it was needed.” Kat but yeah it's a shame even with alien zombie Maxwell she can't really have a Confront Your Dark Potential with Pryce bc Miranda's semi-confused about the whole thing Hera will just have to yell at her

Gill Alternatively you flip it. Build the narrative so that Miranda is like “oh my god is this what I was like??” And Maxwell goes “wait no you’re supposed to be my cautionary tale shadow archetype” Kat alien zombie Maxwell being perma-brainfogged due to the whole bullet to the head thing: man this sucks Miranda: I could probably try neural reconstructive surgery Maxwell: uh Hera: what :) does that idea bother you for some reason : ) i'm sure it would be fine : ) Hera briefly throwing behind Miranda 100% for the only time in her life Kate Maxwell and Miranda together would be. Nightmarish for Hera and an emotion I would LOVE to see Kat Doug: I mean I'd still be ok with her trying to fix my lungs Hera: no shut up. I want her to cut open Dr. Maxwell's brain Gill Hera like “both of them are the bad guy and lesser of two evils relative to each other. I have sympathetic feelings for both and wish to have them near me as little as possible. I want to see them fight to the death” Kate And she is So valid

#tales from the groupchat #wolf 359

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terriblygrimm · 6 months

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loled to myself this morning at how everyone on earth makes priscilla out to be a vicious heartless golddigger and decided to do 1 second of research into the matter to conclude that as expected, the internet is hysterical and off base. to me, she seems like she’s just out there trying to do her best and handle her enormous life.

disclosure: i did this for my own knowledge because i was curious. i’m not out here trying to engage trolls or tell anyone what to think.

read that she was really hesitant abt priscilla but ultimately thought coppola did enough research and made it “spot on”. she cried when she saw the film. she elaborated by saying that when you live with someone so famous during a crucial part of their life you go through many ups and downs and experience their struggles and fears alongside them. also that all of her/their privacy is hard to give up and hard to share so she doesn’t want to give out too much because she wants some of it for herself - that’s theirs and theirs alone. which, ultimately leads someone with common sense to believe (who didn’t already assume) that the elvis & me novel (and priscilla) are just the most dramatic snippets of their relationship (without lots of context).

she also went on to say that she vowed not to remarry as long as elvis was alive because she didn’t think he could handle it - and not only did she not, but she also kept that promise long after his death. saying she never wanted to remarry after him, that no one “could ever match him”.

i also knew next to nothing about lisa marie and the drama surrounding the estate and/or their relationship - but again, one quick search and applying my years of doing estate work as a paralegal makes it clear that priscilla was challenging the validity of a purported amendment made in 2016 which removed her (and barry siegal) as co-trustees (and instituted lisa’s children instead) to the graceland trust. which fine, lisa probably did want that, but it was stated that in the amendment, lisa’s signature was not her “usual signature”, her name was misspelled, and the amendment was never given to priscilla during lisa’s lifetime which was an expressed term of the trust. it was also never witnessed or notarized. so, given that, questioning its legitimacy is an entirely expected thing to do. it’s hardly insidious 😂. especially during such an emotionally difficult time. a contract is a contract. even if lisa did want to change the doc without priscilla knowing, she was legally required to give it to her and she didn’t. also, a settlement of 1 mil plus a graceland burial is hardly “gouging” of her daughter/granddaughter’s money. graceland is worth what? 718 million? and ppl complain about priscilla getting some money after keeping elvis’ legacy alive and graceland relevant for the past 50 yrs? lordy. not only that but the attorney for riley even stated at the proceeding’s conclusion that everyone is unified and happy and ready to move forward.

but funny how the narrative of “evil priscilla sues her granddaughter” became so popular. this instance is the most uneventful, run of the mill thing lol. obviously we don’t know the absolute truth or facts of the situation (and i did not look up the proceedings), but if a document isn’t witnessed and notarized it’s always ground for suspicion. also, if someone’s signature isn’t their usual signature, it arises the question of coercion or signing not in your right mind. so, like i said, entirely expected and nbd.

priscilla is also human and fallible, so i’m sure she’s made mistakes, bad business dealings or even acted recklessly or spitefully over the course of her lifetime, but she continually speaks to how much she loved/loves elvis, lisa and the family legacy. she clearly still burns a candle for elvis and does her best to keep things moving forward and alive and relevant. i don’t blame her for wanting to make sure things are secure and in order as she gets older.

i also know practically nothing about lisa, but it seems like she was troubled (?) to some extent (she reminds me of britney spears a little in that way), so i’m sure some of priscilla’s “controlling and hovering” over her life was misconstrued protectiveness and burden-bearing. i’m sure mistakes were made, but i highly doubt she was the manipulative vulture ppl make her out to be. (it’s like the britney situation - everyone advocated for her “freedom” when in reality she’s clearly ill and her state rn is pretty questionable imo).

i also don’t blame priscilla for not having issue with priscilla being made. it’s controversial but it’s 2023 and she probably figured it was timely and likely to get good reception. she’s surely had an incredibly difficult life, and wanting some of her truth (the ugly truth) to also be known and added to the legacy must be validating. because elvis was a flawed person, a product of his time, and likely very cruel at times.

anyway those are my two cents and i think the internet is a plague. not looking to engage stans or fact police, just wanted to get my thoughts out there. not tagging.

#grimmrambles #long post #listen ive been an elvis fan since i could process auditory information #there wasnt a moment my dad wasnt playing him growing up #and everyone is human - good bad questionable honorable #and i cant imagine how warped priscillas life has been #so lets just give her a little grace and stfu lol

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mycptsdrecovery · 1 year

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To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

#thank you anon

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ahappybeginning · 1 year

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Hi 😊

I know I’ve been terrible at keeping up with this blog. In all honesty, my post-surgery requirements have been a bit of a full time job in making sure I’m keeping up with everything and working to find a routine that works for me with everything else in my life (which admittedly isn’t all that much, but I get overwhelmed easily and on occasion I do like going out and doing things lol). So I’ve kind of let this blog take a backseat while I set myself up for what is going to be the rest of my life.

But I felt I needed to post something here today, because this is the 1 year anniversary of when I first met my bariatric surgeon, and I officially began my weight loss journey that has been not only life-changing, but lifesaving.

In the past year, I’ve managed to find a peace and determination in myself that I didn’t know I had, at least not for myself. I can be very driven by external forces, but I’ve never been able to view myself as worthy enough to harness that drive for my own health and happiness. I don’t even know how I got to the point that I am now, except that I think I was faced with the real alternative as being death, and that jumpstarted something inside me that I now know was there all along, it was just very deeply buried under a lifetime’s worth of being told I didn’t deserve to be happy because of my weight. That my mere existence was offensive to people, that I took up too much space. I spent my entire life making myself as small as I could on the inside to make up for how big I was on the outside.

But I’m done with that now. I’ve found my power, I know my worth, and I’m no longer willing to compromise them for those who haven’t found theirs. I lead with compassion and empathy as I always have, but now I’m ready to fight for my life and my right to not only exist, but to thrive.

Which is exactly what I’m doing. In 12 months, I’ve lost 182 lbs, I’m down 5 sizes in clothing, and I’m physically and mentally in the best shape of my adult life. I’m crushing every goal I set, and embracing the challenges that come along the way with as much patience and grace as I can.

It’s not easy, this is actually the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve fought HARD this past year and had to navigate several setbacks and some unexpected (along with a few expected) complications to my overall health and physical appearance. But giving up is no longer my first instinct like it once was. In fact, it’s not even an option at all. I can’t reverse what I’ve done, nor do I have any desire to. And yes, regain is always a real possibility and fear in the long term, but I’m not letting that keep me from pushing forward and trying to reach my true goals. I’ve now lost more weight than I ultimately hope to end up being when I get to “maintenance mode”, which is a huge mindfuck but in the most unbelievably amazing way. I’ve lost an entire human, and an overweight one at that! The amount of pride I feel for my accomplishments is still a little foreign and a LOT overwhelming, but I am looking forward to when it’ll just feel natural, as I very much believe it will.

I know I probably sound like a cheesy motivational speaker or something, lol. But it’s honestly how I feel. I still have days when everything is hard and feels impossible or I just want to sleep and not worry about exercise or taking vitamins or getting enough fluid or eating a ton of protein. But I fight through it, and it’s giving me so many more reasons to be grateful than to complain. This journey is NOT for the weak, and I’m incredibly proud to have come so far already, and I’m excited to see what the next year, 5 years, 10 years…the rest of my life, will look like. ✨❤️✨

#bariatric sleeve #bariatric surgery #one year anniversary #weight loss journey

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chipsncookies · 2 years

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Last night I dreamt about an Ace Attorney Submas Crossover. (has a bit of a sad topic so just a small warning)

SOMEhow they got Emmet into a murder case that accuses him of killing his brother, even though there never was a body found. Elesa burst open the doors of the Wright Anything Agency and demands that they have to get Emmet out of there. After meeting him Phoenix is also convinced that he is Innocent and a pretty insane Courtroom battle happens the next day. (sadly just a Random Prosecutor no Edgeworth or Klavier)

At first Emmet hides the fact he'd seen Ingo getting sucked into a hole while on patrol through the tunnels because even for Pokemon it sounds pretty insane. And he was thinking it would make things even more difficult.

There is countless back and forth. Some mean spirited Depot Agents try to pin the blame onto poor Emmet but are easily taken out by Phoenix. In the end nothing helps and as the verdict was about to be announced. A distortion hole spits out Ingo right into the Courtroom. Everything goes insane afterwards. Since the supposed victim is very much alive and well Emmet is declared not Guilty and Ingo and Emmet are happy to be reunited. (Phoenix and everyone in the Agency gets a lifetime free pass to ride the subway)

Did it make sense? Not very much... Was it fun? YES!

Sorry for the ramble but I just had to share this with you since you are an Ace Attorney AND Submas enjoyer

WHAT THE HECK ANON YOU GOT THE MOST FUN AND INTERESTING DREAM IM SO JELLY 😭😭😭 that's a totally wild case, very ace attorney, not the first time someone's been accused of killing their own family member (remember athena). And space time rift forming in the courthouse is possibly one of the most outlandish thing ever happened there 😂😂

There's enough drama and angst too just like ace attorney, I'm so happy Nick defended Emmet until the end!! He believes in him!! 😭💖💖💖 And the ending is so funny, what a great turnabout! It's probably a very emotional scene but my brain pictured the judge shaking hands with a very confused ingo like this lol

Lol they got a lifetime of free train ride, good for them. but this assumes they live in nimbasa... Dream logic 😂

Thank you for sharing your dream with me anon!! I wish this was real/I could've seen it myself, it's so wild!!

#asks #subway masters #pokemon #ace attorney #crossover #fav #this would make a great fanfic/comic hahaha

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leiakenobi · 8 months

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3, 11 and 14 for the fic asks 🫶

fic writer asks

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Holyyy moly, you sure started off with the hard questions. I've written so many at this point that it'd probably be impossible to pick just one. So I'll give you a few:

"This Must Be The Place"/"Once In A Lifetime." Honestly Santi is the kind of character that's wormed his way into my brain so deeply that I feel like a lot of my fics about him end up being my favorites (in my head I think of bartender Santi/baseball Santi/knight Santi as a trifecta) but "This Must Be The Place" is The One ya feel. Like how can you read it and not fall in love with Santiago Garcia a little bit.

"now let me at the truth." The premise of, "lol what if Ted Lasso but Ted and Trent knew each other back in college" was fully a goofy bit that my bud and I were riffing on in our DMs and it turned into this whole 50k+ world? Which is exciting in and of itself but I think what makes me so proud of it amongst my longer fics is that I really let the story guide me in terms of structure and length and style. It felt like I kind of leveled up in how I approach fic in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time.

"a shallow creek that too runs deep." Oh my goodness, truly this fic does atmosphere in a way that I measure all my other writing against. I also am very proud of how it kind of gradually developed over time from a oneshot into the full fic that it is now; I'm generally unwilling to expand on my oneshots because usually I feel like it would make the original story worse. I initially felt that way about this fic, too, even though I knew already that Poe and Rey's story would culminate in the same place where it eventually did. But I think the final product ended up being a really meaningful and well-done elaboration and I revisit it often.

11. Do you have specific playlists for writing fics?

I'm actually very rarely able to write fic while listening to music anymore (this is the problem with studying music). On occasion I will listen to music if I've made a playlist for that specific fic, but even those are more for getting myself into the headspace of the world as I mull over what's next for the characters, with the idea that then I turn the music off when I really get on a roll. If I do listen to music, it will generally be this or this on repeat.

14. If you could see one of your fics adapted into a visual medium, such as comic or film, which fan fic would you pick?

Most of the fics that are coming to mind have one or two specific scenes that are very cinematic in my head? I don't think I have to sell you on the idea that it would be glorious to see the "Come and Get Your Love" scene from "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy" on the screen. Combat is significant enough in "clipped wings" that I think a visual medium would probably do it justice better than I can in writing, and I think the Force visions would also be very cool to see in film—particularly the one in Chapter 10 would probably be more readily comprehensible. Meanwhile I think "Post Script" would make a superb comic, though of course that would immediately change it from a generic reader-insert to a specific character—but that moment of her going into her old room and seeing all the post-its.......... oof oof oof that would hit so well visually.

#ask game #literally yesterday my fam and i were at brunch and come and get your love came on #and i just fully flashed into damerey visions

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astral-actias · 1 year

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Realized I never made a pinned post so I'm gonna do that...

Anyway hello my name is Nevi, if you recognize me from anywhere else, no you don't.

I'm almost 40! Hooray for me, it's kinda great.

I'm disabled, less hooray for me lol.

I got the ADHD and autism wombo combo. If you think I'm being intentionally obtuse or inflammatory, but I haven't directly told you to go fuck yourself, it's probably just that my tone doesn't carry via text.

99% of the time I'm not actually trying to start shit.

You will know if I am trying to start shit, believe me. I'm not subtle.

I sometimes get far enough into my own head that I'll lose the thread of conversations, especially if they're fairly abstract.

I'm fairly openly trans masculine, he/him or they/them pronouns.

Also I'm plural but it's kinda neither here nor there with regards to this particular blog. You can safely just refer to me singly.

I'm a luna moth-like fae. This is a weird astral/magical paradigm thing. Currently, energetically, I'm a faery, and this affects pretty much my entire pagan and magical practice. If I stopped having a magical worldview, I'd stop being fae. I didn't exactly choose to be fae but I do choose to continue being fae. I don't 'have memories' of being fae, because I'm fae right now.

I'm also a noncanon 'background character' sort of civilian reploid from the Mega Man X series. It's some kind of other lifetime thing that I don't think even tracks to a past or future life in any kind of linear way.

I don't refer to myself as otherkin. I generally steer away from otherkin terminology. 'Nonhuman' is my preferred term.

That being said I also identify as human too, because I'm living a human life in a human body in human society.

I have very strong opinions.

Like just in general, but especially on the topic of whether one can choose to be nonhuman.

Short answer: yes. Long answer: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

More seriously I post about it with some frequency so you can probably find my thoughts on it easily enough.

I don't care for DNIs. I don't have one. If I don't want to interact with someone, I just won't.

If you have a DNI, I might or might not even notice it. I mostly don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to have to find a list that may be hidden in a funky blog theme and know a bunch of discourse stance names before even reblogging something.

That said, the two that come up the most seem to be anti/pro-fiction and endogenic systems, so I guess I can state what I think about those real briefly and you can make up your own mind:

Fiction, reality, and censorship are far too complex to boil down into two opposing stances of "literally anything is permissable" and "won't somebody think of the children." I do not subscribe to either 'side' because they're both gravely oversimplifying the issue.

(This is not the same as neutral or undecided, by the way. This is a distinct third opinion.)

If someone tells me their mind(s) works in a way, I believe them, because they live there and I do not. There is no endpoint in the human experience that cannot be reached via several different means. I think there's a lot more commonality between types of plurality than there are differences, and exploring that is not possible while people are entrenched into two opposing camps. I think it's entirely possible to be supportive to all types of plurality without treating it as some kind of zero-sum game.

(For the record, I'm traumagenic, and that's all you're getting from me about it.)

Anyway I also do not at all care for coining new micro terms, making up flags, or mood boards. I block blogs who specialize in these so I don't have to look at them in tag searches. Nothing personal.

I think that's it? I probably missed stuff, but that's what the edit button is for.

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k-kkaren · 1 year

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EX FACTOR

LOL sighs ..anddddddd action. When I tell you all this is probably one of my most anticipated blogs ever. I’ve seriously wrote this blog so many times (I’m talking all the way probably back to around when I first started writing blogs) and every time I get ready to publish it, I always back out. For one I know the emotions that come with this song for me. Once a young girl stealing my sisters Miseducation of Lauryn Hill cd to a woman in my late 20s now feeling exactly each word she wrote. Every time I hear the melodic chimes and piano in the beginning it creates such an emotion for me. Then to precede and say “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. Tell me who do I have to be to gain some reciprocity.(S/o to her for truly teaching us what that word means) See no one loves you more than me and no one ever will.”

As a woman, I truly understand how simple love could be. Relationships too. We didn’t say easy because nothings ever easy, we just said simple. But (whatever your preference may be) realistically they make it so hard. A lack of so to say. Lack of communication. Lack of accountability. Ego. Wounds in the way aka trauma. And. Straight up unwillingness. (Sidenote, I know I have a couple of guys who sometimes read these and the same things go for women.. i too have lacked in these areas as well and I’m woman enough to admit that)

“No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know,it ain't working…And when I try to walk away you'd hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy…I keep letting you back in. How can I explain myself? (I don't understand why) As painful as this thing has been. .. ” i don’t even sing that last part because I know I truly am capable of moving on. I’ve done it quite a time or two. It just takes me a min. But I get it who wants to in some cases.

Being very transparent with you all I don’t think I’ve ever been with someone but not with someone so much in my entire 14 years of being a dater. It’s like I would always be drawn in to stay somewhere where I know didn’t serve me purpose. But I also didn’t want to give up on it bc I always felt like we could grow. I once believed in wrong timing. I felt like too much time had been invested. I felt comfortable. I always tried to find the good(Bc in all honesty when it was good, it was good. My friends never saw that side so I get the stares and all the questions lol. I really do y’all.)

“See I know what we've got to do. You let go and I'll let go too. 'Cause no one's hurt me more than you. And no one ever will..” The hardest part but the part that warms my heart the most. We hate to let things go that mean so much to us, things that were once near and dear to our heart but it’s essential for progressing. I look at hurt like all the lessons of a lifetime that potentially made me into a better woman. A more guarded woman. A more cautious woman for sure, but never the less still a woman, phenomenally. And I try to pride myself on that.

Ex Factor - a tale of three different stages that I’m sure every single one of us have been through or may be currently experiencing.

The Ex Factor - a product of someone or something mattering but not so much anymore. And I’ll drink to that. With another month concluding, into the year that’s moving ever so rapidly so much of me knows that it’s a dire need to go ahead and get this out the way because all in all it has held me back in many ways. It’s crazy like I noted earlier I’ve seriously wrote this blog, tweaked it, deleted stuff from it since about 2020 and each time I felt something new. Today 4/30/2023 is the best I’ve felt about it in all these years. I say all of that to say, “it’s” awaiting.

As always, in all ways — Love and Light 💗

Twitter : _kforkaren

Instagram : kforkarenn

#lifestyle blog #new blogger #ex factor #lauryn hill #self healing #self help #blogger #Spotify

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arttheclown · 10 months

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paragraphs of bad mental health stuff under the cut don’t mind me 💀

i love finishing school and realizing i truly need to begin adulthood and focusing on things like building a writing CV and getting my driver’s license and most importantly breaking away from my severely controlling & emotionally abusive mother and then just. every bad fucking thing from the last 10 years hitting me in the face lol. my father’s deterioration and death and a really violent incident with him i don’t like to talk about. a lifetime of my mother micromanaging nearly everything i do, abusing me, gaslighting me, and refusing to let me grow up to this day. a string of abusive and manipulative codependent friendships that ended in ugly and sometimes public falling-outs. my grandpa dying in march and my grandma having to live on her own now. having to see my sister go through a lot of the same shit that i have and desperately hoping she can be helped in time so she’s not 2 years away from being 30 and just falling the fuck apart lol

i’ve spent so many years saying i’m fine and i’ll get over it and move through it but everything has gone still right now. i can’t run anymore. i physically cannot lie and downplay things and say i’m fine anymore. i am unable. i have become a people-pleaser to the point where doing things purely for myself — sometimes knowing i’m the one who gets more out of it than anyone else — is a foreign concept to me. i cannot do things anymore if i feel i’m mostly doing them to just please someone else because then i start panicking & i know that’s progress but god!!! it feels like shit!!! these growing pains hurt so bad!!! and then i start agonizing over potentially disappointing people and uugghuhh i don’t like it. i don’t like it at all.

i want to do things but everything feels so fucking terrifying right now. realizing the extent that i’ve been traumatized is miserable and i don’t even like admitting it because then i feel like i’m lying or trying to get attention. i don’t know if i have fucking ptsd because that’s such a severe disorder but at the very least i’m going through a period where even little things petrify me & sometimes just getting through a day feels like an accomplishment. i love food and i’ve been agonizing over making sure i’m nourished properly on top of dealing with selective eating that i’m almost positive is because of my autism. i am a small person — if i lose any more weight i will get sick and that frightens me. and i’m painfully aware that the reason this is probably happening in the first place is because i am so used to worrying about SOMETHING that my mind can’t accept peace and is now inventing issues and it sucks. this isn’t a new issue for me but it sucks. it feels like hypervigilance or something. idk.

i kept hoping that maybe i would bounce back on my own like i’ve done in the past and maybe i can but i don’t know if i’m able to waiting and how many pep talks i can keep giving myself, nor do i want to constantly rely on others for comfort. i’m fortunate enough that i live in a part of the world where i don’t have to pay for doctor’s appointments so i might just go and see if mine can get me some help because 🥴 i don’t know how many bad weeks i am capable of having right now! i’m gonna be honest!

it’s going to suck likely paying for therapy. it’s going to suck potentially finding a new therapist if it turns out i’m uncomfortable with the one i’ve had since childhood because don’t get me wrong he’s a nice man but i don’t know if he even recognizes i’m autistic on top of other things lol. i really do not want to end up on anxiety medication or antidepressants and want to believe self-medicating with weed is enough but i don’t know anymore.

i just needed to write these feelings out somewhere. i can’t silently carry them with me anymore. they’re too heavy. i hope things get even a little easier soon.

#negative /

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rainbowinbeigeboots · 2 years

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i wanna get sappy here for a hot second so don’t mind me lolol

i don’t talk about it too much here, mainly because tumblr surprisingly doesn’t have a lot to interact with, but i am SUCH a huge fan of tessa violet. like so much so that girlie literally was one of the things that helped pull me put of the depressive episode i was in during 2020 right after a rough breakup and general pandemic. i had been into her stuff when she was meekakitty (fell off a bit as i grew out of the content) and rediscovered her in 2019 and fell in love with her music. jump to the past two years where she follows me on twitter and is aware of my existence thus making saturday one of the best nights of my life…ever. tessa straight up recognized me by my face when she walked into the VIP meet and greet area. she saw me and pointed at me and called me by name. she then went on to say how excited she was to meet everyone and then pointed at me and said “i’m especially excited to meet emiie” and i felt so amazed that she even recognized who i was since i didn’t expect it. when it was my turn to get my photo with her she gave me so many hugs (she lives up the “she looks like she gives good hugs” vibe btw) and talked about how exciting it was to finally see each other irl after online interactions/an online m&g we had last year. i gave her the shirt i made for her (it had “future milf” on it since it’s a running bit) and she looked so happy when i gave it to her 🥺 i forgot to tell her i had made it along with showing the tiny terror hoodie i made/was wearing but i was still trying to process that she knew me and called me out. but when my friend and i went back for a group photo i had forgotten i wanted to give her a kitchen song paper heart (i wasn’t sure if she was collecting them from each city but wanted to make sure she had one) and a photocard of her i had made and I was so grateful my friend and i were able to go back up. but when i handed her the heart and photocard she looked at it and i s2g with the sweetest look on her face, looked into my eyes, and said “emiie, you always make me feel so cool” 🥺😭🤧 i was beaming on the inside from just how happy that made me feel because i kept thinking “nonono ydek how cool you’re making ME feel rn” and during the show i had so much eye contact with her and smiles thrown at me (i did however almost get taken out by her mic when it fel from the micstand) and during crush she held out the microphone for me to sing into and god…it was such a good night 😭😭😭

i don’t think i can even express enough how much her music and just who tessa is as a person helped me SO MUCH at such a rough point in my life mentally and has helped me with my own self confidence/self worth. it’s a combo of just seeing her be really cool, so genuine to who she is as a person, and so willing to engage with being okay acting playful/goofy that rubbed off on me because i saw so much of myself there, who i want to be during this lifetime, and who i am at my core before i had the worst depressive episode of my life and had been working on accepting myself prior to that and post-2020 depressive episode. it also helps when you have a song like yes mom to blast that makes you inadvertently say positive affirmations about yourself LOL

i know tessa will probably never see this (unless she does then…hi lolol) but i just wanted to share how much i just adore/look up to her and how i felt so special and loved the entire night from such simple things she did 🥺💖 here’s to hoping the future milf shirt made it to her after she forgot it on stage and that she wears it during the next livestream i can attend lolol

also signing off with my meet and greet photo because i just love how genuinely happy both her and i look in this photo 🥺💖

#tessa violet #emiie rambles

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