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thetorturedpoetsintern · 1 year

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willow

Note: Ever since I listened to evermore from start to finish my brain entered into a Narcissa Malfoy phase. Every single song in that album makes me think of a drabble or oneshot about her and her love, a woman, and their story together. I know willow might be the only straight song in that album, but I don't care. The stories will be published in the order of the songs so I'm leaving it up to you to discover the true order of events. Until then, enjoy!🤍

Warnings: fluff, hinted sexual activities, talk about breakups

Words: aprox 800

No one remembers the moment your life changes. Or the catalyst that caused that changed. I actually know my catalyst, the exact when is uncertain. But I don’t mind when I hear her footsteps coming to climb beside me in bed. Or when we’re getting ready and her perfume mixes with mine. Or when I arrive home and she’s right there waiting for me with a big smile on her red lips.

Anytime I listen to her talk I feel drawn by her voice like a moth to a flame. Words lose their meaning and the air feels insufficient. Did she ruin all my plans? Yes, she did. But I ruined hers too so we’re even.

I didn’t ask for it but when she entered my life, my entire destiny shifted with her movements. No matter what I did I couldn’t escape her. Even when we were apart for more than a decade and I swore to never again think about her, war and longing were my undoing. Our undoing.

When I invited her for a glass of wine one Friday evening I couldn’t believe my ears when she told me she left Lucius. Not exactly left, more they parted by common accord. It would have been a déjà vu if we would have been in a public setting and I were the one to get dumbed.

“What do you want me to do with this?”

“Whatever you want. I just thought you should know…”

Her eyes were lost and I knew it was a bad thing to take advantage of her like that. But I got too tired of seeing my life twisted and turned by others and I took initiative. That when was the moment I knew I would cheat, lie, steal, kill, and torture to get her in my life. Forever, not just for mere moments and memories.

I welcomed her in my future again and she has welcomed me since with her love. No more games, no more heartaches, no more fights about what we are and why we aren’t normal and can’t be normal.

I never married so I never had any children, but she did, she had a child. Draco was by then a young man but even so she missed him.

“You ended it with your husband, not with your son, you know?”

“I know, my love. It’s just… I don’t want to look into Draco’s eyes and see disgust.”

“You can’t know that Narcissa.”

“I don’t want to risk it either way.” I huffed and rolled on top of her, trapping her against me and the mattress. They say women have the natural power of persuasion and as I traced my lips against her neck and my fingertips grazed her earlobe while I tucked a strand of hair granting me access there, I felt it course over her as she shivered slightly.

“Risk it like you risked it with me.Owl him tomorrow morning. You're his mother whether you sleep with a woman or not.”

She owled him that morning and he came to our place. They cried and embraced and they laughed at her stupidity. She thanked me later for pressing her to reach for him.

Then out of the blue Narcissa introduced me to her son as her girlfriend and my heart soared at her words.

“I remember you from when I was little and you used to be a common face at the manor. I missed you,” and he enveloped me in his arms like I was an old friend.

“I never even talked to you before today, how could you possibly..?”

“I noticed,” he interrupted me as he got away to be able to look me in the eye, “because whenever you were there my mother smiled. And when you suddenly weren’t, she got sour and contained. And I love to see my mother smile.” Narcissa smiled at him and I think a tear slipped through her eyelashes.

It was a new thing for me. She didn’t shed a single tear when she left me years ago but then I understood why. Draco helped me understand. She occluded her feelings trying to go back to how her life used to be before acknowledging us.

I try not to think at all the things we could’ve done differently. But it’s not possible. Sooner or later they haunt me and I know they haunt her too. But anytime I go deep in my thoughts she’s there to pull me back and ruin my plans once again. And anytime she goes there I’m right there to ruin her too.

Because she’s my woman, and I’m hers. And no matter the past, she is mine and I am hers and that’s all that matters. With all her flaws and scars and past, all I see when I look at her is a work of art. My work of art.

Next chapter here

#narcissa malfoy #narcissa black #narcissa malfoy x reader #narcissa black x reader #narcissa malfoy fluff #narcissa black fluff #w/w romance #sapphic

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hauntedselves · 2 years

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The 4F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze & Fawn

By Pete Walker

[Note: this post is very long!]

“This model elaborates four basic defensive structures that develop out of our instinctive Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn responses to severe abandonment and trauma (heretofore referred to as the 4Fs). Variances in the childhood abuse/neglect pattern, birth order, and genetic predispositions result in individuals "choosing" and specializing in narcissistic (fight), obsessive/compulsive (flight), dissociative (freeze) or codependent (fawn) defenses.”

“Individuals who experience "good enough parenting" in childhood arrive in adulthood with a healthy and flexible response repertoire to danger. In the face of real danger, they have appropriate access to all of their 4F choices. Easy access to the fight response insures good boundaries, healthy assertiveness and aggressive self-protectiveness if necessary. Untraumatized individuals also easily and appropriately access their flight instinct and disengage and retreat when confrontation would exacerbate their danger. They also freeze appropriately and give up and quit struggling when further activity or resistance is futile or counterproductive. And finally they also fawn in a liquid, "play-space" manner and are able to listen, help, and compromise as readily as they assert and express themselves and their needs, rights and points of view.

Those who are repetitively traumatized in childhood however, often learn to survive by over-relying on the use of one or two of the 4F Reponses. Fixation in any one 4F response not only delimits the ability to access all the others, but also severely impairs the individual's ability to relax into an undefended state, circumscribing him in a very narrow, impoverished experience of life. Over time a habitual 4F defense also "serves" to distract the individual from the accumulating unbearable feelings of her current alienation and unresolved past trauma.

Complex PTSD as an Attachment Disorder

Polarization to a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response is not only the developing child's unconscious attempt to obviate danger, but also a strategy to purchase some illusion or modicum of attachment. All 4F types are commonly ambivalent about real intimacy because deep relating so easily triggers them into painful emotional flashbacks”.

“Emotional Flashbacks are instant and sometimes prolonged regressions into the intense, overwhelming feeling states of childhood abuse and neglect: fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and/or depression. Habituated 4F defenses offer protection against further re-abandonment hurts by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that is prone to re-invoke childhood feelings of being attacked, unseen, and unappreciated. Fight types avoid real intimacy by unconsciously alienating others with their angry and controlling demands for the unmet childhood need of unconditional love; flight types stay perpetually busy and industrious to avoid potentially triggering interactions; freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries; and fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves - by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other - by giving service but never risking real self-exposure and the possibility of deeper level rejection. Here then, are further descriptions of the 4F defenses with specific recommendations for treatment.”

The Fight Type and the Narcissistic Defense

“Fight types are unconsciously driven by the belief that power and control can create safety, assuage abandonment and secure love. Children who are spoiled and given insufficient limits (a uniquely painful type of abandonment) and children who are allowed to imitate the bullying of a narcissistic parent may develop a fixated fight response to being triggered. These types learn to respond to their feelings of abandonment with anger and subsequently use contempt, a toxic amalgam of narcissistic rage and disgust, to intimidate and shame others into mirroring them and into acting as extensions of themselves. The entitled fight type commonly uses others as an audience for his incessant monologizing, and may treat a "captured" freeze or fawn type as a slave or prisoner in a dominance-submission relationship. Especially devolved fight types may become sociopathic, ranging along a continuum that stretches between corrupt politician and vicious criminal.

Treatment: Treatable fight types benefit from being psychoeducated about the prodigious price they pay for controlling others with intimidation. Less injured types are able to see how potential intimates become so afraid and/or resentful of them that they cannot manifest the warmth or real liking the fight type so desperately desires. I have helped a number of fight types understand the following downward spiral of power and alienation: excessive use of power triggers a fearful emotional withdrawal in the other, which makes the fight type feel even more abandoned and, in turn, more outraged and contemptuous, which then further distances the "intimate", which in turn increases their rage and disgust, which creates increasing distance and withholding of warmth, ad infinitem. Fight types need to learn to notice and renounce their habit of instantly morphing abandonment feelings into rage and disgust. As they become more conscious of their abandonment feelings, they can focus on and feel their abandonment fear and shame without transmuting it into rage or disgust - and without letting grandiose overcompensations turn it into demandingness.

Unlike the other 4Fs, fight types assess themselves as perfect and project the inner critic's perfectionistic processes onto others, guaranteeing themselves an endless supply of justifications to rage. Fight types need to see how their condescending, moral-high-ground position alienates others and perpetuates their present time abandonment. Learning to take self-initiated timeouts at the first sign of triggering is an invaluable tool for them to acquire. Timeouts can be used to accurately redirect the lion's share of their hurt feelings into grieving and working through their original abandonment, rather than displacing it destructively onto current intimates. Furthermore, like all 4F fixations, fight types need to become more flexible and adaptable in using the other 4F responses to perceived danger, especially the polar opposite and complementary fawn response described below. They can learn the empathy response of the fawn position - imagining how it feels to be the other, and in the beginning "fake it until they make it." Without real consideration for the other, without reciprocity and dialogicality, the real intimacy they crave will remain unavailable to them.

The Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense

Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

When the obsessive/compulsive flight type is not doing, she is worrying and planning about doing. Flight types are prone to becoming addicted to their own adrenalization, and many recklessly and regularly pursue risky and dangerous activities to keep their adrenalin-high going. These types are also as susceptible to stimulating substance addictions, as they are to their favorite process addictions: workaholism and busyholism. Severely traumatized flight types may devolve into severe anxiety and panic disorders.

Treatment: Many flight types are so busy trying to stay one step ahead of their pain that introspecting out loud in the therapy hour is the only time they find to take themselves seriously. While psychoeducation is important and essential to all the types, flight types particularly benefit from it. Nowhere is this truer than in the work of learning to deconstruct their overidentification with the perfectionistic demands of their inner critic. Gently and repetitively confronting denial and minimization about the costs of perfectionism is essential, especially with workaholics who often admit their addiction to work but secretly hold onto it as a badge of pride and superiority. Deeper work with flight types - as with all types -gradually opens them to grieving their original abandonment and all its concomitant losses. Egosyntonic crying is an unparalleled tool for shrinking the obsessive perseverations of the critic and for ameliorating the habit of compulsive rushing. As recovery progresses, flight types can acquire a "gearbox" that allows them to engage life at a variety of speeds, including neutral. Flight types also benefit from using mini-minute meditations to help them identify and deconstruct their habitual "running". I teach such clients to sit comfortably, systemically relax, breathe deeply and diaphragmatically, and ask themselves questions such as: "What is my most important priority right now?", or when more time is available: "What hurt am I running from right now? Can I open my heart to the idea and image of soothing myself in my pain?" Finally, there are numerous flight types who exhibit symptoms that may be misperceived as cyclothymic bipolar disorder”.

“The Freeze Type and the Dissociative Defense

Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical dissociation, which allows him to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being reabandoned. Freeze types often present as ADD; they seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain-dominant activities like TV, computer and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.

Treatment: There are at least three reasons why freeze types are the most difficult 4F defense to treat. First, their positive relational experiences are few if any, and they are therefore extremely reluctant to enter the relationship of therapy; moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate. Second, they are harder to psychoeducate about the trauma basis of their complaints because, like many fight types, they are unconscious of their fear and their torturous inner critic. Also, like the fight type, the freeze type tends to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than the self, and uses the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. The critic's processes of perfectionism and endangerment, extremely unconscious in freeze types, must be made conscious and deconstructed as described in detail in my aforementioned article on shrinking the inner critic. Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation. Because the freeze response is on a continuum that ends with the collapse response (the extreme abandonment of consciousness seen in prey animals about to be killed), many appear to be able to self-medicate by releasing the internal opioids that the animal brain is programmed to release when danger is so great that death seems immanent. The opioid production of the collapse or extreme freeze response can only take the individual so far however, and these types are therefore prone to sedating substance addictions. Many self-medicating types are often drawn to marijuana and narcotics, while others may gravitate toward ever escalating regimes of anti-depressants and anxiolytics. Moreover, when they are especially unremediated and unattached, they can devolve into increasing depression”.

“The Fawn Type and the Codependent Defense

Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. They often begin life like the precocious children described in Alice Miler's The Drama Of The Gifted Child, who learn that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents. They are usually the children of at least one narcissistic parent who uses contempt to press them into service, scaring and shaming them out of developing a healthy sense of self: an egoic locus of self-protection, self-care and self-compassion.”

Treatment: “Fawn types typically respond well to being psychoeducated in this model. This is especially true when the therapist persists in helping them recognize and renounce the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them. Therapy also naturally helps them to shrink their characteristic listening defense as they are guided to widen and deepen their self-expression. I have seen numerous inveterate codependents finally progress in their assertiveness and boundary-making work, when they finally got that even the thought of expressing a preference or need triggers an emotional flashback of such intensity that they completely dissociate from their knowledge of and ability to express what they want. Role-playing assertiveness in session and attending to the stultifying inner critic processes it triggers helps the codependent build a healthy ego. This is especially true when the therapist interprets, witnesses and validates how the individual as a child was forced to put to death so much of her individual self. Grieving these losses further potentiates the developing ego.”

“Trauma Hybrids

There are, of course, few pure types. Most trauma survivors are hybrids of the 4F's. There are for instance, three subsets of the fawn type: the fawn-fight (the smothering-mother type) who coercively or manipulatively takes care of others, who smother loves them into conforming with her view of who they should be; the fawn-flight type who workaholically makes herself useful to others (the "model" secretary) in the vein of her favorite role model Mother Theresa; and the fawn-freeze type who numbingly surrenders herself to scapegoating or to a narcissist's need to have a target for his rageaholic releases (the "classic" domestic violence victim). Space in this article only allows for the description of two other common hybrids: the Fight/Fawn and the Flight/Freeze.

The Fight/Fawn, perhaps the most relational hybrid and most susceptible to love addiction, combines two opposite but magnetically attracting polarities of relational style - narcissism and codependence. This defense is sometimes misdiagnosed as borderline because the individual's flashbacks trigger a panicky sense of abandonment and a desperation for love that causes her to dramatically split back and forth between fighting and clawing for love and cunningly or flatteringly groveling for it. This type is different than the fawn/fight in that the narcissistic defense is typically more in ascendancy. The fight/fawn hybrid is also distinct from a more common condition where an individual acts like a fight type in one relationship while fawning in another (the archetypal henpecked husband who is a tyrant at work), and from the many "nice" mildly codependent people who have critical masses where they will eventually get fed up and blow up about injustice and exploitation. The borderline-like fight/fawn type however may dramatically vacillate back and forth between these two styles many times in a single interaction.

The Flight/Freeze type is the least relational and most schizoid hybrid. This type avoids his feelings and potential relationship retraumatization with an obsessive-compulsive/ dissociative "two-step" that severely narrows his existence. The flight/freeze cul-de-sac is more common among men, especially those traumatized for being vulnerable in childhood, and those who subsequently learned to seek safety in isolation or "intimacy-lite" relationships. Many non-alpha type males gravitate to the combination of flight and freeze defensiveness stereotypical of the information technology nerd - the computer addict who workaholically focuses for long periods of time and then drifts off dissociatively into computer games. Many sex addicts also combine flight and freeze in a compulsive pursuit of a sexual pseudo-intimacy. When in flight mode, they obsessively scheme to "get" sex and/or compulsively pursue and/or engage in it; when in freeze mode, they drift off into a right brain sexual fantasy world that is often fueled by an addictive use of pornography; and even during real time sexual interaction, they often engage more with their idealized fantasy partners than with their actual partner.

Self-Assessment

Readers may find it informative to self-assess their own hierarchical use of the 4F responses. They can try to determine their dominant type and hybrid, and think about what percentage of their time is spent in each type of 4F activity. Finally, all 4Fs progressively recover from the multidimensional wounding of complex ptsd as mindfulness of learned trauma dynamics increases, as the critic shrinks, as dissociation decreases, as childhood losses are effectively grieved, as the healthy ego matures into a user-friendly manager of the psyche, as the life narrative becomes more egosyntonic, as emotional vulnerability creates authentic experiences of intimacy, and as "good enough" safe attachments are attained. Furthermore, it is also important to emphasize that recovery is not an all-or-none phenomenon, but rather a gradual one marked by decreasing frequency, intensity and duration of flashbacks.”

#long post #pete walker #4fs #5 fs #trauma #trauma info #cptsd #cptsd info #trauma responses #interesting how they correlate to many PDs... literally says fight=npd flight=ocpd fight/fawn=bpd flight/freeze=szpd...#dogpost

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alizeh-tu-badi-mushkil-hai · 1 year

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Dear Diary,

It has been a long time since I shared something with you. Despite being skilled in many languages and having an extensive vocabulary, I find it hard to express myself to anyone, including you. It’s intimidating, almost like sensing something but not being able to articulate it or being injured but not knowing the source of the ache.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about loneliness, which you may have encountered too. Google defines loneliness as "a negative emotional reaction to feeling alone." But in my opinion, it's the sense of having a void inside of you that you try to fill in any way you can but are unable to.

When my friend first described what loneliness meant to her, "I have a nice job. I have dependable, helpful friends. I'm covered by a roof. I want to realize a dream. I have everything I need..." she questioned herself, " But why do I still feel alone in the world? What do you think about it? I mean, how is it possible?"

"Sometimes I feel like I need a good escape. Something cozy and comforting, like my childhood blue blanket, my red bicycle, or the hot chocolate from that book cafe. In addition to feeling this way, when I sit with these emotions, I also experience a need for love. Love changes things. When I consider love, I picture myself waking up in the morning and feeling the need for a warm embrace, my chilly legs resting on their warm ones. I want to be surrounded by smiling, pleasant faces. I want breakfast to show how much they care about me. Everything that contains love, I need it. But when you've yearned for this love for 20 years, it can sometimes tear you apart."

"But what do you mean by loneliness breaking you apart?" I asked her.

"I have heard, felt, and seen my mother's loneliness," she remarked, "My mother's isolation in her home screams happiness disguised as suffering. I have observed her dining alone, waiting alone, sobbing alone, happy alone, and cooking alone in a crowded house. I believe that I may have felt lonely as a child before I ever fell in love. The fear of being alone, even in love, is brought on by loneliness. Because of how much you love them, you still experience loneliness, proving that love is insufficient to fill the void. I don't know how to measure what I mean when I say void. Perhaps, I am the only person in an empty world."

She continued, "You know what, when people ask me what I think about loneliness, I don't have words to express it, but there are some images in my mind. It made me feel better. An image of me riding the bus home from work would show me surrounded by kind strangers, the sun setting the way it does in movies, and listening to my favorite music, but despite the bus being packed with people, I would still feel lonely and empty. Have you ever seen a barren café with a table and two chairs next to a sizable window and some flowers on the table? There are two cups of tea on that table, and I'm seated on the opposite side. I don't know, I feel like everything is so lovely and peaceful everywhere, but the turmoil of needing someone to come with me and talk to me hurts. Even though there are numerous visually appealing things nearby, nobody wants to spend time with me. They say that loneliness is a scary emotion, but I feel that my fear of being alone has become ingrained in my body. I've been consumed by that feeling."

"That's terrible," my words found their way out, "But when did you start feeling like this?"

She reminisced, "I remember when I was a kid, nobody wanted to be with me but my toys. What kind of person would want to be with a voodoo doll? The pins of my sister's missing parents, my grandmother's longing for her deceased husband, and my mother's loneliness somehow found their way into a voodoo doll like me. Because of the pins all over my body, people who touched me often suffered injuries. Children play with toys, not voodoo dolls, I realized. I was lonely in so many ways that I don't feel it was my fault. It could be lonely out there. We are merely pretending to have someone to lean on, but perhaps we are actually passing away, dying while carrying the suffering and sorrow of the loved ones we never had."

"That's a lot..." My heart felt like it was getting squeezed. "Have you ever thought about how you might escape from this?"

"I tried making love with someone I didn't love," she admitted, "I tried making art. I gave writing a try. I gave drinking a try. I did everything I could, but the problem is that it never goes away. Perhaps, it has assimilated into who I am. Sometimes, wanting love for oneself is against the law. So, on my empty bed, I swaddle myself in a childhood blanket. I sob until the pillow is soaked in tears and then wait until it transforms into a vast ocean - to die feeling empty rather than to dive to find peace. If I pass away, my body will clatter because the sound of unheard yearning for love is made by empty corpses. When I pass away, I want it to be remembered as a day when loneliness was finally put to an end..."

After our entire conversation, it reminded me of a few lines Sylvia Plath had written about loneliness, "Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyways. It comes from a vague core of self-like disease of the blood, dispensed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagious."

#mental health #poetry #parenting #aesthetic #desiblr #loneliness

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lesolehabitantdelalune · 2 years

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I never thought I would get to the point of talking openly about it here, especially since fertility is such a huge taboo in our society. But here we go:

As a 22-year-old woman diagnosed with Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI), a rare disorder (approximately 1 in 10,000 girls experience menopause before age 20) and which often leads to sterility/infertility, I am very sad that some people think that one person may not be a possible love interest/see a future with another because they may not be able to conceive children. I know it's not on purpose, I know it's just a theory but it really hurts some girls and women who suffer or are suffering from it. Me for example, I have a block when my romantic relationships starts to become something serious, that the person will not like me/want to be with me as soon as they find out about my diagnosis.

And for all the girls and women who are going through something similar, your fertility doesn't define you, it doesn't define your worth, your capacity. And if your partner doesn't see a future with you just because you aren't able to bear him a child, he's definitely not the right person and doesn't deserve your love. So, think twice before speaking or creating theories of this kind. It might just be a theory for you, but not for other people.

Lastly I’m going to leave this passage here and a article of one of the Daisy Network members about my condition

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/early-menopause-real-life-story

#acotar fandom #primary ovarian insufficiency

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chantsdemarins · 2 years

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❄️Frost Secrets from the Other Son

Chapter 6

The Hottest Thing in All the Nine Realms

Part 1 and Part 2

🔴Warning for Part 1, this is a revision of the scene in the first Thor film when Loki lets go and drops off the Bifrost. It's dark and sad, but trust me, things turn around, and we see Loki reimagine his life.

Smut at the end FYI

Feel free to reblog!! I love all the new readers!!

Thank you!!

@kaogasm @britishserpent @lokisgoodgirl @immersed-in-mischief

Part 1

As Loki teetered on the edge of oblivion, his mind was ensnared by his darkest thoughts. He stood on the precipice of the Bifrost, dangling one foot just over the densely layered material that bridged all the worlds his family governed. Peace, ever liminal in the sea of sky beyond Asgard, moved as a temporal experience.

He was coaxing fate perhaps, beckoning the space winds to knock him over into the void beyond where his feet stood. He balanced just on the edge, stepping back and forth, wobbling.

Ruling the nine realms was the birthright Loki had wanted to inherit from as far back as he could remember. It had also been elusive, just out of reach, with Thor at the helm of succession to the crown. A lifetime of being an outcast by his family came crashing into focus as he stood there, sorting out his fate.

He was treated differently because he was different.

Now, his son’s fate felt like it was also teetering on the precipice with him.

The sting of Odin’s confession to him was still rushing through his veins. A venom.

Loki’s father was Laufey, the monster king of Jötunnheim. That made him a monster too, and his unborn son.

Even though Frigga promised him no one else knew, they didn’t have to. The example was set by Odin, who did know, who was single handily responsible for taking him from Jötunnheim.

Every microtransaction between Loki and Odin set the stage for how his brother would treat him, even the sympathy and attention from Frigga. All resulted from Odin’s treatment of Loki as “other” and different.

He imagined his son would now inherit this same treatment, possibly even worse.

Loki had also figured out his unborn son had been affecting Lillian’s thinking. He was likely the reason she felt called towards the frozen north of Asgard and went seeking Mímir’s well. If Odin was to find this out, Loki feared what he would do with his son…

There was so much unknown, which generated Loki's deep sense of fear.

Looking out into the night, he remembered an old Midgardian healer he met while on a mission in Norway. This healer spoke of the belief that many universes existed all at once. If you felt destined for tragedy in one lifetime, you might receive all you ever dreamed of in another.

Loki considered the older man’s perspective as her sorted through his heartbreak. He imagined there might be endless Loki’s variants all over the nine realms, with infinite possible lives and outcomes playing out simultaneously.

A different Loki might have been raised on Jötunnheim and been the happy son of Laufey, inherited the throne with no fanfare, and made king.

Yet another would have jumped off the Bifrost already, with an unknown fate ahead, perhaps death, perhaps worse.

Possibly he was already the father to many children or had an immortal partner in another realm.

Although, at this very moment, this Loki just found out his secret Earthling girlfriend was pregnant with a baby that isn’t likely Aesir or human, who is more likely Jötunn, just like him.

The aloneness was humbling; if he let go and fell off into the abyss, he would possibly stay alone in the afterlife forever. He wouldn’t be exalted to Valhalla to be with his ancestors.

He would be somewhere else entirely; he would leave his son a bastard. Lilly would be all alone to manage the wreckage of both his families…

Odin’s explanation of his reasoning for keeping the secret of his true origin was insufficient. His insistence on telling Lillian about the baby himself was infuriating beyond anything he had ever experienced.

He was being shut out from Lillian already. Even though Odin and Frigga promised she would not be sent away, the heavy hand Odin was taking already told him otherwise.

Frigga’s thoughts were concealed during his conversation with Odin but using his seiðr. He could read her innermost fears. She was concerned his son already on Heimdall’s radar, might mean that the child would be incompatible with life on both Asgard and Jötunnheim.

Loki would not let himself imagine this outcome.

In his theory of variants, he pictured a version of his son who was more human. He was healthy and thriving. In his mind’s eye, he saw him appear like Lillian, with brown hair, yet with his artificially induced Aesir pallor and blue eyes.

If he had known who he was, perhaps he would not have risked getting Lillian pregnant with a child that might kill her to carry.

But there was no going back.

His son was here, and fate was unraveling the yarns of Odin’s family while simultaneously knitting together a new fragile family to which he now belonged. His family.

With that final thought, Loki turned around and made his way back to the palace.

ooOoo

Part 2

Lillian didn’t know how long she had been asleep, but when she finally opened her eyes, she was deeply shocked to see Odin himself sitting next to her bed.

She had never officially met him, only Frigga. He kept Lillian and her project at arm’s length. Others officially delivered his missives that he wished to be included in the book. This left a gap for Loki’s impressions of him to fill her mind. He seemed every bit the distant father Loki described.

He was also every bit as intimidating as one would imagine a “god” of his status to be.

It was like meeting the president, a king, a dictator, and Robert Redford all at once.

Why was he taking time out from his day to see her? Did he find out she was shagging his son? His eyes were kind yet not entirely compassionate. This worried her.

Jesus, did he also think she was a frost giant?

When Lillian could speak, she found the courage to be the first one to say something and break the awkward silence.

“Odin, sir, thank you for whatever measures your staff and palace have given me; I feel better. I don’t know how long I was asleep, but as you might have been told, I was quite ill when I was mistaken for a frost giant.”

Odin faintly smiled, “oh yes, that has been cleared up. You are not a frost giant. You were quite ill, though. The healers had to work on you while you were unconscious and find the right herbs to get you back with us.”

Odin almost sounded like he cared.

“Then, sir, why did your sons or son, or I guess the palace warriors including Heimdall, think I was a frost giant?”

The caution Lillian felt as she assembled her words made her voice get very soft, she wasn’t sure Odin could even hear her, but it had to be said.

Odin was straightforward, “Lillian, you are not a frost giant, but your son is.”

He continued, “I know this not only from what the healers saw in your womb but because my son Loki is a frost giant. Obviously, you’ve been romantically involved for some time. Since you got here, if Frigga’s and Eir are correct about the baby’s age.”

Lillian felt sick again suddenly. Her body was cold. Her son, his son. Frost giants. The room was spinning.

Frigga opened the door just then, “oh dear, Odin, the girl doesn’t look well again!”

She quickly queried Odin, “did you tell her about the baby? I thought we said we would tell her together!” This was the compromise she promised Loki. Frigga was alarmed and went to reach for a cool, wet cloth. She laid it across Lillian’s head even though her whole body was suddenly frozen, not hot.

Lillian spoke, anger building in her weak body, “did you tell YOUR SON about being a frost giant? Who is the one who was sleeping around on who here, dear royals!”

Odin and Frigga looked alarmed and amused simultaneously at Lillian’s presumption that one of them must have had an affair with a Jötunn.

“Dear Lillian, you have misunderstood my husband,” Frigga explained weakly.

“Neither of us were “disloyal” as you say on Earth. Loki was a tiny, abandoned baby on Jötunnheim, and Odin rescued him.”

In shock now, Lillian pressed, “you never told him?” The ire in her voice filled the infirmary.

Lillian could not believe what she was hearing.

She sat up promptly, almost instinctually, and threw the covers off her; she ejected herself from the bed with wobbly feet. A thousand new thoughts ran through her head as she searched the room for her clothes. She didn’t even have time to think about being pregnant herself. Her mind immediately went to Loki.

He had spent his entire life believing a lie. This explained everything about him. This explained the way her book felt empty at times, with no amount of fancy wording able to fill the pages.

“Dear Lillian, you need to be careful,” Frigga spoke gently and came closer to her.

“There is a lot you don’t know, and especially a lot we don’t know about frost giant and human babies, so your life and the baby’s life might be at risk. You should be cautious and stay calm, please.”

Frigga was begging Lillian while Odin looked out the window, seemingly unaffected.

“You both are liars!” Lillian shouted, not sure why suddenly she was acting like Loki on behalf of Loki.

Things were starting to feel very strange, fast. She felt incredibly sad for Loki. She was overwhelmed by the sadness.

“I need to see him; he needs to know who he is! Who is going to tell him? Or have you already told him? Did he leave on the first train, the Bifrost, or whatever you do here? I hope he did!”

“He knows Lillian,” Odin said from across the room.

“He saw his son when we did our version of what you might call an ultrasound, except we use a very different kind of technology,” Frigga offered.

“We told him then,” Odin said, walking away from the window and towards Lillian again.

“And what did he do? I hope he tried to punch you, Odin. Some Allfather you are.”

Lillian knew she sounded small and helpless, but she didn’t care. She imagined the hurt Loki was feeling, bringing her to sobbing.

Frigga stepped between Odin and Lillian and held her arms out.

“Dear Lillian, I imagine this news is shocking on all fronts. You not only care for my son, but you are having his baby. That’s quite the shock on its own, and with the uncertainty, I am trying to explain….”

“Uncertainty?” It was as if Lillian was only registering every other word, and she finally mumbled something about the impossibility of Asgardian and Midgardian children between her sobs very faintly.

Frigga sat down next to her, “Lillian, he wasn’t lying entirely…it’s rare indeed. Even rarer for a frost giant and a human, so much so, I am not sure we know at all what to expect. This is what I am trying desperately to help you understand.”

“Although he should have been casting some spell or magic,” Frigga said under her breath now.

“He was!”

Lillian was feeling very vulnerable and frustrated all at once.

“I guess it didn’t work,” she said, looking down at the slight bump, barely noticeable beneath the overly fancy dressing gown they had her in.

“It sure didn’t.” Odin chimed in.

Ever the judgmental dad and ruler all at once, he seemed doubly disappointed that his first grandchild was arriving in such a manner and that its presence spilled the beans he had been hiding for many centuries.

Lillian also thought about Heimdall, how he was the first to sense the baby, and how it was enough to make him believe Asgard was being invaded!

Who was this kid going to be? Her mind couldn’t take much more of this; she felt she couldn’t handle it.

“I need to see Loki, are you quite done making me feel like a failure when you are the ones who failed Loki with your lies.”

Frigga turned to Odin, a disparaging look across her face.

“Lillian, Odin, and I do not feel like you or Loki are failures. Quite the opposite. It’s like this baby came to us to help us finally tell the truth; I think it’s been a blessing. Don’t you agree, Odin?”

Odin stood staring.

He may or may not agree with Frigga. He wasn’t going to explain his feelings further.

Seeing the rage erupt from Loki had been awful when they told him.

Loki, much like Lillian-was deeply concerned about the failure of Odin and Frigga to tell Loki about his true parentage and worse that he was a prince from Jötunnheim, he had a whole other planet that was rightfully his...

“We will take our leave of you now, dear Lillian. Should we send Loki in next? Or do you need a moment?”

Lillian hesitated. Why hadn’t he been the one to tell her? What more were Odin and Frigga not telling her about this child or Loki.

Again, the instinct to return to Earth, go home to Ohio overwhelmed her, and leave behind this impossible mess, but she couldn’t do that; she knew deep in her heart she had to see things through.

So, Lillian motioned for them to send in Loki; she held her breath and folded her hands and arms across her belly in a camouflaging gesture.

Odin and Frigga exited, promising that she would be well cared for and that the healers would be coming to speak to both Loki and her very soon.

ooOoo

It seemed hours before a soft knock on the door startled her. Loki opened it slowly and walked in. Lillian was now standing, leaning against one of the fancy chairs that were in nearly every palace room.

“It’s you,” Lillian said, a small smile edging its way across her pale face.

“It’s me for sure.”

He didn’t know if she would be angry at him for getting her pregnant, not knowing he was a frost giant, or just messing up their lives. He had said a small prayer before entering the infirmary, asking the gods for their help in mending Lillian’s trust in him.

To his surprise, Lillian spoke more first, “I bet you’ve been pissed since they told you.”

Loki was shocked at her empathy towards him, “you better believe it,” Loki said, staring intently at Lillian.

“I bet you must have felt like jumping off the Bifrost and falling into the abyss, huh?”

“I contemplated it, yes,” Loki confessed, although he was startled by how she knew where he had just been in his mind and body. Lillian had been paying closer attention to him than he realized.

“Why didn’t you then?” Lillian said nervously, following up. She knew by the dark circles beneath his eyes how devastated he was.

“Why didn’t I?” Loki was dumbfounded.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Lillian continued, “Loki, you could have blown up Midgard if you wanted to, just to get back at your awful parents. I would have understood.”

Tears began to fill his blue eyes, and all he could do was give in to the overwhelming desire to touch her. He was so close to her now that he was almost touching her. Almost.

“Lillian, I didn’t blow up Midgard or jump off the Bifrost for two important reasons. I think you must know what they are.”

She was becoming agitated again, “I don’t know. I don’t know what they are. You should be so angry that lightning will come out of the sky! I am so angry for you, Loki!”

“That’s my brother,” Loki laughed, trying to soften the tension between them.

“He does that.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” Lillian said, laughing now too.

With that, Loki finally put his long limbs around her, “I didn’t go anywhere or do anything because of you and our baby,” he whispered in one of her delicate clamshell ears.

“I’m here, Lilly. I am not going to leave either of you,” he pulled back gently so she could see his sincerity. She wanted to tell him everything running through her mind, her fears about their child, how he even came to be, her book, their lives, and what lay ahead for them, but all she could do was kiss him.

She took his face, as she had done so many times before, holding his chiseled cheeks, pulling the dash of his lips to hers. A big smile authentically washed over Loki’s face as he passionately kissed her back.

“Lilly, you don’t hate me!” he finally said, catching his breath.

“You still want me?” Loki tenderly inquired. His vulnerability made his pale skin almost translucent. She swore she could see his beating heart inside his chest.

“Loki, I should be the one saying that to you! I have a baby inside me powerful enough to send Heimdall smoke signals; who knows how big I’ll get with a frost giant baby? Maybe I’ll turn blue along with the kid! Who knows!”

She was making light of the scary unknown ahead for them both. In these moments, she wanted to laugh with him and feel the hope she knew was somewhere alongside the tragedy of their circumstances.

Feeling Lillian’s jest, Loki continued to try and offer levity as well. He laughed, “Lilly, all this is happening because of me and how much I wanted to come inside you. I’m sorry, I’m terrible. I am. I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“I let you, Loki,” Lillian smiled ear to ear.

“Remember, I’ve let you come on my stomach and boobs so many times….”

An even bigger smile threatened to break Loki’s face, and he grabbed Lillian tightly against him, relishing the humor, the lightness that was gently enveloping them.

Then just as quickly, he pulled himself away from her and looked down at her belly.

“Loki, what are you doing?” Lillian was confused.

“I can hear him.”

“How can you hear him? He’s only a couple of months old. He’s too tiny,” she continued laughing.

Loki furrowed his brow, “he’s four months old, Lilly. I think I got you pregnant the first time we had sex. It’s crazy, but it’s true. He’s growing big in there now.” Loki gestured to Lillian’s belly.

Lilly blushed deep crimson as he continued, “when I saw him with the healers, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. He’s extraordinary. I know it.”

Loki’s hands traveled instinctively to her belly, causing her to smile and place her hands on top of his.

“Loki, what if he is blue? I am being serious this time. All of Asgard will know about you. What are we going to do?”

“He will be perfect. I don’t care about Asgard finding out. They would have found out at some point, baring my dad intended to tell me who I truly was….”

There were, of course, far more serious things besides the baby potentially being blue. The fact that they were called frost giants was not lost on Lillian, and she deeply worried that her body would not be able to carry the baby. The same fear that had been in Frigga’s mind, Lillian shared with her.

This moment with Loki brought Lillian into her body for the first time since finding out she was pregnant. With Loki’s hands gently touching her belly, she could feel what Loki was talking about; it wasn’t words but emotions. This baby was like his dad; he was already a ball of emotions.

“Can you feel that too, Lilly?”

“I think I can,” she said as she quietly turned inward.

Loki was in tears, vacillating between laughter and sobs, “I know this is bonkers, Lilly. None of it makes sense. Suddenly you’re dating a frost giant, and now you’re pregnant with his baby in a strange realm you didn’t know existed until a couple of years ago…I am now suddenly also estranged royalty on another planet. I have an estranged father I’ve never met…and the family I do have are fucking assholes.”

Lillian stopped him.

“We are dating?”

“Aren’t we?”

Loki continued, “don’t you think we should be married?”

Lillian practically choked on the air between them.

“We need to slow down. I can’t keep all this straight long enough to process anything except that you look so beautiful right now, Loki. You sticking around, facing this mess, and being here, is the hottest thing in all the nine realms.”

“You don’t say?” Loki’s hands now traveled up from her belly to hoist off her gown.

“Aren’t we in an infirmary?” Lillian wondered aloud, helping him slightly by gently wriggling.

“We are.”

“Shouldn’t we go to your room at least?”

“No.”

With that, Loki took off his shirt and pants, gently pushing them aside with a shove from his large foot. He stood quietly, letting Lillian admire him, as he had done so many times in her presence. He knew his body inside out and had shared it beautifully with his lovers, but the generosity and willingness to be seen fully were all because of Lillian.

There was a beautiful reversal in their connection. Loki, generally the vainer of the two, might appear to be reveling in his appearance, but it was more of an offering. There was something holy about it. Instead of being in charge, he let her gaze control the eventual meeting of their bodies.

This energy is what must have gotten her pregnant the first day they met, that and his phony green spell, but that was going to be a discussion for another day. It was time to feel one another and heal the heartache they had both endured since they were last together.

She laid on her back, letting him see her now, but not for long. It was just a glimpse at her wetness. She quickly grabbed him and held his naked body to her. He obliged, kissing and sucking her neck upon impact.

“I missed you, Loki; you were gone for a while.”

“Then I netted you while you were catching some night air…” he laughed into her hair.

He moved gently on top of her, a little too gently, perhaps worried about the baby, so she grabbed his gorgeous ass and landed him almost perfectly inside her. A slight adjustment and he was there entirely. He closed his eyes, feeling every sensation, but scared to move. He was lost in wonder.

“Loki, are you fucking me or taking a nap?”

“Oh, I am going to fuck you, Lilly. I just cannot believe how different this feels.”

“My pussy is not different now that I am pregnant; apparently, you’ve been fucking a pregnant woman for months! It’s the same pussy Loki.”

Catching his breath, he seemed to agree silently, he did know it was the same pussy technically, but it did feel different; truth be told, he was afraid he might not last too long either.

So, considering everything, he decided to give Lilly what he had. His familiar rhythm pulsed through his body to hers. This caused Lilly to scream, that familiar sound that gave her away under the net in the woods.

“You better move faster, Loki. I need all of you right now,” Lillian cried.

On cue, Loki picked up the pace even if it meant a short but eventual fuck, slamming her body again and again; he placed his face in the crook of her neck, exhaling one last time, then looking into her wide-eyed, pressing her hair back with his massive hands as he kissed her forehead.

She looked into his eyes again; they were almost the same shade as the ceiling. Had Frigga painted the palace ceilings after her son’s incredible ocean eyes? Her orgasm rippled through her while Loki’s chased quickly behind. He had given her everything.

He pulled out slowly, with his breath hitching. It was never a good feeling to leave her body. In the sweetness of this moment, Loki considered that his true home was possibly not Asgard and not Jötunnheim, but deep inside her. He looked over at her and smiled without sharing that thought, which still felt too tender and new. She didn’t ask what he was smiling about either.

They let the night take them to sleep; tomorrow, they would face the inevitable chaos that was waiting for them. On to Chapter 7

#jotun loki #loki laufeyson #loki fanfic #tom hiddleston #mcu #loki fandom #loki fluff #avengers #tom hiddleston fanfiction #loki of jotunheim #loki #unplanned pregnancy #pregnancy

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lucidmagic · 2 years

Note

“Are ya’ll okay???? Like what is it that makes people cry? I’m confusion.“ to clear it up; no we are not okay, especially not after reading it /lh /nm /pos. For real, I think maybe the cry factor is like, the feelings of ouch that we get from it. The “when will these two gay idiots pick up their braincells and just confess” vibe if you will. But also like, possibly the assistant!r feeling insufficient for alci, the pain of hiding feelings, the lack of closure for the two. Just. Sad gays /pos /lh

I mean that's fair. There is certainly a lot happening emotionally and mentally, not to mention their particular professional situation for the two.

Reader: like you said, feeling insufficient and unworthy compared to Alcina and them not entertaining the thought she could possibly feel the same because 1.) it's Alcina fucking Dimitrescu, she has women falling over her all the time, 2.) Reader comes from a completely different background and can't see how they would work through those differences 3.) has low self-esteem and wondering if they are even worthy of having Alcina's attention 4.) it's their fucking boss and there's a whole reason why fraternization is very frowned upon, also there's the possibility it could hurt Alcina's public image if it gets exposed and 5.) how will this affect their career and if it'll result in unwarranted attention they're not ready for just yet

Alcina: 1.) she's not used to being vulnerable and she's rather emotionally stunted after prioritizing her family and work for nearly two decades 2.) there's the fear of her using her power to influence the Reader's decision (aka improper power dynamic) and she definitely doesn't want to 'force' them into anything they don't really want 3.) she understands that they come from two very different worlds and she's concerned bringing the Reader into her sphere may put undue pressure on them 4.) her daughters are emotionally involved, which is great in terms of their approval but also horrible as collateral 5.) age difference (though it's less than 15 years, I'm thinking the Reader is about 28-29 when they start working for Alcina who is 44) and the fear she doesn't want to hold the Reader back from a full life, not stuck with an older woman with the baggage of children

There's also the issue the two are incredibly fucking stubborn and will rather wither and die than confess and be rejected. So yeah. Very complicated situation. And of course very sad gays, both for the characters but also the audience. /lh

Btw a good song for them is Little Mix's Secret Love Song, Pt. 2 if you want to get into the feels. /lh

This AU is also consuming me and I've made a playlist already. /lh /pos

Part 1

Part 2

#alcina dimitriscu x reader #alcina dimitrescu #my fic #alcina x y/n #re8 alcina #alcina x female reader #asks #my asks #anon asks #lucidmagic asks

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xx-jazzilla · 1 year

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⚠️ Long emotionally draining post to vent ⚠️

I love my kids and family with every single part of me.... but I cannot help feeling my pregnancy has been stolen from me.

After the miscarried I couldn't think straight or do anything but feel helpless for our loss, for what I lost. With PCOS it already took so long and was so hard to get pregnant that we were nearly a year into discussing and talking about our 2nd baby. When I got a positive test it was so great, and when I sat in a waiting room for 2 hours after my 12 weeks ultrasound I couldn't help but fear the worst happened. When they confirmed it I couldn't even finish the appointment, I pulled over repeatedly on the drive home crying too much to see and went straight to Ben. I spent weeks unable to imagine a worse feeling - until I got a 3rd positive test 7 weeks later and the doctor said they could have missed something because we weren't even sure id had a period.

I spent my 1dt trimester constantly terrified, terrified of another loss and how I couldn't mentally handle it a 2nd time. Then at 12 weeks again I started bleeding... so much blood I was terrified because I didn't bleed last time so something had to be really wrong. I was thankful to hear her heartbeat in the ER but nobody told me why I was bleeding for nearly 2 weeks, I just bled and stressed until they said it was a hemorrhage but we were okay. I still bled for 2 months, and nothing made me feel better until it stopped at 19 weeks.

I got 3 weeks of relief. We were in the 2nd trimester, we were finally "safe". Then at 21 weeks, more blood and discharge and I really thought it was nothing. But it was Saturday so I couldn't go to my doctor, and better safe than sorry. Until it wasn't safe. Again.

I had 3 mm of cervix left, I was "silently dilating" from contractions I just thought were pregnancy pain in my back, and my waters were bulging. The doctors said I had an "insufficient cervix" because incompetent cervix was no longer a nice term. I signed and acknowledged the risks of my D&C and thought that couldn't possibly happen to me. But if I didn't I could die because my body wasn't aware I was miscarrying.

We weren't safe, again. Our children and I were at risk, again. And for the 3rd time in a year I felt entirely helpless as a mom, even though I've worked so freaking hard to be a better parent. To be a consistent mom and DO better than what I knew.

It has been 2 months since then, and I feel like I've lost nearly every joy of pregnancy. I have no friends and family with me, even though they call and text and check in regularly im still thousands of miles from a hug when I'm having a hard day. I can't do things by myself, even though I worked until my water broke with Austin and enjoyed our life together still. I sit, and worry and think about what I've done wrong to be here. About all the people I know that take their kids for granted, that weren't parents and yet how easy it seemed for them and how unfair that is. How stressful every little pain is, especially the last few days of being in constant pain -because I don't know how bad it could end up being.

I'm thankful for Ben, he has taken on everything and more for us. The house, the stress of bills from none of us working, being full time dad and the worry for his daughter. I've never felt so much love, and commitment and like I could count on 1 person so much.

I also appreciate everyone reaching out, and your thoughts and good wishes for our safety. I don't want anyone to think that I do not see all the love we are given and aren't thankful.

But this is draining, I feel like I've lost my pregnancy and myself. Like my body is incapable and I don't understand why this is happening to us. As though I'm alone in so many ways, but can't express that because I "have to be grateful" nd so many people are "praying for us" and I feel so hateful because sometimes I just want to scream IM FREAKING ATHEIST PLEASE HELP ME IN A WAY THATS GEARED TOWARDS ME AND MY HEALING NOT TO APPEASE YOUR OWN EGO.

#incompetent cervix #life and stuff

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padgettharder7 · 2 months

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zztheditchzz · 3 months

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January 28, 2024 Taylors

I fell in love with another. Maybe, yet again, more than before. And now I am sitting here and my heart is hurt once more.

They had to leave. They said at first it was for me, because worry over their suicidality was wrecking me, but as I illustrated that this worry could be overcome, they admitted they couldn't heal while in this. They did what they had to do.

2.5 short months. I never spoke to them on the phone. I never saw them in motion. I certainly never was closer than a continent away, as much as I offered to make the trek on the shortest notice, on a whim. I--perhaps not in the best interest of my own healing, and my own mission--would have thrown everything away to move so far away just to cradle them and coddle them. But, of course, we know how that turns out.

I never learned their given name until the last moments. I thought maybe it would taste realer than their chosen name. But, no, it only made their chosen name more fitting. I still like their given name, too, but they insist to never call them that.

Talking to them filled my every waking moment that one of us wasn't occupied. Which, again, perhaps was obstructing my own mission and healing, but, in my defense, after my probation was finished, I intended to set some boundaries--not because I wanted to (although sometimes I lamented the lack of time and our overdependence on each other) but to just...try and do the right thing.

Our spiritual bond transcended space and time. I have had spiritual connections and events with people before but...so much. It's so much. It is useless to try and describe it. I feel like giving the beat-by-beat would be doomed to insufficiency in language and would never do it justice. I would say it would cheapen it, but, I don't think anything can cheapen it.

And yet again, an entire year has passed, and here I am again. I'm 19, and I lost the momentum. I lost the plot...or the plot lost me.

Which, of course, no it didn't, but I feel abandoned. I feel no vigor towards life. I crave connection and sociality and yet I avoid every opportunity like someone with newly shattered bones up and down their body would avoid a bouncy house full of children, offensively selfish and senseless as children are. It would be charming if I wasn't twisted in pain from their ruckus as they flail about. Their snotty noses and droopy eyes and clammy, uncalloused froggy skin is only made worse by knowing I am merely looking at a reflection. And yet, we are all calloused. We are all still infants and yet we are all petrified wood, carrying a thousand years of dirt, rubbed smooth and yet so craggy as to never sit comfortably on top of our own bones.

Only in death will I be able to share the entire meaning of every moment of my life with anybody.

I don't crave death...but I don't crave life. At least suicidality awards purpose. I am stuck in Limbo. I am an amnesiac, a demented, hysteric, neurotic, and gaunt figure that haunts these endless foggy fields of rock. I have a variety of activities--there is an infinite number of numbers between Two and One, and One and Zero, and thusly one with enough rainbow erupting out of them will find an infinite number of experiences bound in a straitjacket inside a padded room, where there is no night or day and where the food never changes--but none of them are good. I am not an expression of joy.

Will I ever be?

I am exactly like my father. I would delve into whatever horrid reaches of misery that interpersonal conflict can reach rather than be alone, and yet I seem to do nothing but sow the seeds for isolation and aloneness. This is now two deep loves who have left me in a, frankly, kind of funnily short period of time where I would have not ever, even if it got to the point where I resented them to the point that the bursting love was just a peak in an oscillation that dropped into putrid hatred. They made the right choice. My path would possibly have killed us. I just don't understand why it has to be this way. How, how, how can I find a way to love without destroying? Why, why, why do I seem doomed?

Was it really not me at all? Was it really all them? They insisted. Are they just mentally ill, and have a poor self-appraisal? I certainly accused them of as much. I really did...I really think I was ready to have a healthy relationship.

But how healthy is it, if I am willing to destroy everything rather than be left?

Maybe I am just in love. Maybe it is okay if love makes us do crazy things. Maybe it is okay if tasting love drives one mad, in a way where nothing else will satisfy.

I did not know I was going to become such a loverboy, that my specialization in the path of philosophy would only stray from navel-gazing and societal elucidation to delve into the nature of Love!

So, do I scream, Love, Begone!, as this is a land infested with Yellow Love?

Or do I love anyways?

I wish these women would stop telling me "you'll find someone better who will love you like you deserve."

It was you. It is you.

Stop passing the buck.

I guess I should take my own advice...

Fine.

I will be a lone knight.

Lo, night. I will be a lone knight.

No lord.

No lady.

Lord, slain.

Lady, broken.

And the peasants hate me,

whenever I don't hate them.

Great.

Fine.

Very well.

I will do my very best.

...

I will miss our poetry.

We spoke in poetry to each other.

We still speak to each other, even as we are truncated from each other in the physical.

I can still feel you heaving. I can still feel your touch. I can still feel your grief. I can still feel your screams, your agony, your claws tearing into yourself.

I can still feel your tender touch. I can still feel your eyes...those damn eyes...

I can still hear your voice on the wind.

Touch of elephant's ear.

Kiss of mint.

The song of one lone harp.

The grim reaper towers over me, haunting my every footstep, and God's angels, they say,

"Don't look back."

Very well.

Dear God,

The Compassionate, The Merciful,

Give me strength, please.

This is my prayer for myself.

This is my prayer, I ask this humbly.

I ask this facing the dirt, my neck exposed.

I ask may I have the strength to power forward.

May I accomplish my mission.

May I finish my probation, may I keep to the socializing that I should, may I continue to make money, may I finish the album and do it justice and may it be heard, may I begin preparations for the ensuing operation, may I establish MEF, may I keep hygienic and fit, may my confidence and outspokenness blossom, may I survive my 27th year, may I bring joy to all of my loved ones, may I heal them and heal strangers, may I carry their anchorous burdens as if they were feathers, for I want to carry a million feathers, may I surprise myself, may I not grow wicked and bitter and all else.

May I see Ace again. Speak to them. And hold them. May we meet. May they heal, for themselves, even if without me, at the very least, and experience some joy in this world.

I ask the same in this moment for Mel, for Christy, for David, for Gabby, for Jamie, for Lenora, for all the women I touched in 2023, for all the men I touched in 2023, and for those who I will in this upcoming year.

I know this prayer was meant to be for me, only, but their fortune is a favor for me, I want it on my bill.

I will pay whatever price, with interest, for this.

I hope I can prove that I can be a vehicle for your compassionate Will, and compassionate I only hope it is, and I am trusting it is. I put my trust in you. I mean not to speak as you, but for you.

I ask this. Please, dear God.

Thank you for whatever you can do for me, and I love you even if that is nothing at all.

Amen.

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homeispdx · 5 months

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Academic Perspectives

A strong correlation exists between homelessness and deteriorating mental and physical health. There is a significant correlation between homelessness and health issues like mental illness, tuberculosis, alcohol and drug addiction, HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis A infections, and other dangerous illnesses. A lack of shelter, racism and discrimination, access issues to healthcare, insufficient funding for social services, poor public health infrastructure, and a lack of access to sufficient food and protection are some of the causes of the health issues that homeless people face. Homelessness has frequently been attempted to be addressed through legal and policy initiatives, though not necessarily from a public health standpoint. A persistent hazard to public health, homelessness affects communities all around the developed world. Housing instability affects children, families, and marginalized individuals throughout their lives, and communities find it difficult to meet the wide range of needs that exist among the diverse groups of people who are homeless.

Policy measures to end homelessness have not changed the persistently high trends in homelessness. The dynamics of coordinated responses to homelessness can be understood from the perspective of complex systems. The majority of countries continue to implement preventative efforts inconsistently, and there is a persistent need for housing aid that puts strain on service delivery. Effective service delivery is challenged by feedback processes. System dynamics modeling is used to verify policy approaches for homelessness prevention. According to simulations, prevention offers a point of leverage within the system, with slight improvements in housing efficiencies translating into disproportionately big decreases in homelessness. Policies that guarantee the consistent delivery of coordinated preventive actions are required. A complex systems approach pinpoints the limitations and capabilities needed to address homelessness in a sustainable manner.

Physical and emotional health are impacted throughout life by homelessness and the poverty that goes along with it. Child homelessness is associated with a number of detrimental health and socioemotional consequences. Adults who are homeless have a higher mortality rate from all causes, and their quality of life is substantially lower than that of mentally ill but not homeless people. When compared to the overall population, adults who are homeless have lower employment and education rates. Homelessness is a result of the intricate interaction of socioeconomic, interpersonal, and individual factors. Addiction and mental illness have long been linked to an increased likelihood of homelessness in research. Relationships with family, friends, and love partners are also strained by personal challenges; conflict erodes potential housing supports and compromises well-being in a vicious circle. However, the risk of displacement is frequently determined by socioeconomic variables. Homelessness is disproportionately experienced by underprivileged people worldwide. When compared to the general population, the homeless rate is significantly higher among the impoverished, minorities in terms of color and ethnicity, sexual orientation and identity, institutionalization, and people with physical and mental disabilities. Coordinated responses make use of adaptable networks to provide a variety of services suited to intricate requirements. The overburden on the service system is a result of present policies that prioritize services based on vulnerability, missing possibilities for prevention. Complete integration of homelessness prevention into current support networks is necessary to attain significant and long-lasting decreases in housing insecurity.

References: Fowler, Patrick J, et al. “Solving Homelessness from a Complex Systems Perspective: Insights for Prevention Responses.” Annual Review of Public Health, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 1 Apr. 2019, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6445694/.

Sleet, David A, and Louis Hugo Francescutti. “Homelessness and Public Health: A Focus on Strategies and Solutions.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 6 Nov. 2021, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8583397/.

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toneoparticle13 · 8 months

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Symptoms, Causes, And Treatment Of Tricuspid Atresia

The human body's most vital organ, the heart, is responsible for keeping all other organs and systems functioning. Any heart condition may impact Your quality of life, particularly if it was present at birth. The Tricuspid valve is one of many heart diseases that can develop from birth. This serious disorder causes the tricuspid valve to stop working and begins to develop during the foetal stage.

Do not worry, we have given comprehensive information regarding this illness. Read the blog to learn more about the causes, signs, and treatment of tricuspid atresia, which will help you understand this issue and offer helpful information for those affected and their loved ones.

Visit Bansal Hospital Bhopal if you want the best care possible for this condition. You can get support from their excellent medical team to treat and recover from this condition there.

Tricuspid Atresia: What Is It?

Tricuspid atresia is a serious medical disorder in which the heart's tricuspid valve either ceases to function or is completely missing. As a result, blood flow from the right atrium to the right ventricle may be disrupted.

Insufficient blood oxygenation can result from the mixing of oxygenated and deoxygenated blood. However, it manifests differently in each person, so identifying and treating this disorder can be challenging. Finding and treating the issue at an early stage can be significantly aided by being able to recognise the typical symptoms of tricuspid atresia.

Which Types Of Tricuspid Atresia Exist?

1. Ventricular Septal Deformity (VSD) of Great Size

If your newborn's ventricular septum is significantly deformed, this indicates that the heart hole is too large. This could impact extreme blood flow into the lungs, which could cause congestive heart failure.

2. VSD (Ventricular Septal Deformity) Moderate

Your baby's heart has a medium-sized hole in it. The baby is less upset than those with a large or small VSD since there is some blood supply to the lungs.

3. Ventricular Septal Deformity (VSD) of the Small

This hole is too small, preventing blood from passing through to the lungs to take in oxygen. Due to insufficiently oxygenated blood, a newborn's skin may become blue.

Therapy For Tricuspid Atresia

The doctor might advise surgery if your baby is born with this condition. It may be necessary to regulate blood pressure using several procedures and medications. The most popular methods for treating tricuspid atresia include the following:

1. Medicine

Your cardiologist can suggest taking prostaglandin hormone before any type of surgery to assist in dilating (widening) and keeping the ductus arteriosus open.

2. Procedures such as surgeries

A few procedures to treat tricuspid atresia only temporarily improve blood flow (palliative surgery). The following processes could be required:

1. Heart Septotomy

It is a particular procedure in which a balloon enlarges the space between the heart's upper chambers to facilitate easy blood flow.

2. Shunting

This process is comparable to bypass surgery. A bypass must be built from a large blood vessel leaving the heart to the pulmonary artery, which supplies blood to the lungs. It facilitates the blood flow from the heart to the lungs, which is essential for the lungs to receive the most oxygen.

3. Operation Glenn

Children between the ages of 3 and 6 months are suitable for this operation. This operation is typically necessary when the infants outgrow the initial shunt because it prepares them for the Fontan procedure, a more permanent corrective surgery.

When Should You See A Doctor?

In most cases, tricuspid atresia cannot be prevented. However, some medical interventions and surgical treatments may be able to treat it. A child with this kind of heart issue is typically more likely to be born to persons with a family history of cardiac abnormalities.

You should speak with a genetic counsellor or doctor if you see any signs in your child, such as exhaustion, fast breathing, or cyanosis. Additionally, take care of your health and visit your doctor frequently while you are pregnant to prevent your child from inheriting this problem. Additionally, you need to be cautious of pregnancy problems.

The Final Say

Atresia of the tricuspid valves is a dangerous disorder that can be present at birth. In order to be well-informed and well-prepared, it is essential to grasp the reason, the symptoms, and the available treatment choices.

In addition, the cardiology department of the Bansal Hospital in Bhopal is the place to go if you need any kind of consultation or treatment for heart-related conditions. It is widely regarded as one of the premier facilities of its kind in central India.

About Bansal Hospital

Bansal Hospital is a multispeciality hospital and is one of the leading, reputable and reliable healthcare providers trusted by patients and their families across the region. It has all the major departments, including cardiology, neurology, oncology, orthopaedics, gastroenterology, urology, liver transplant, bone marrow transplantation, nephrology, gynaecology and more. The hospital is equipped with state-of-the-art facilities and technology and has a team of highly qualified and experienced doctors and medical staff who provide round-the-clock care to the patient.

Visit Our Website

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idigitizellp21 · 9 months

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Pressures Of Arranged Marriage In India

Arranged marriage is a traditional way of marrying in India, where the bride and groom are matched by their parents or other family members. It is still a common practice in India, and there are many reasons why families may put pressure on their children to get married in this way.

Additional read: Reasons and advantages of arranged marriage in India

It Is True That There Are Several Benefits To Arranging A Marriage But In Comparison It Has More Drawbacks.

1. Love is frequently unimportant Arranged marriages can have benefits, as we’ve seen before. Forced marriages, however, are associated with a number of serious issues. One drawback of arranged weddings is that love is frequently not at all a component. Although partners may get along, they may or may not ever feel anything for one another. This is rather sad because many couples marry because they are really in love, like spending time together and many other reasons, and arranged marriages completely disregard this crucial element, and even if they do, they do it for the sake of their parents, family, or society.

2. Possibility of increased divorce rates Arranged weddings could potentially result in increased divorce rates, depending on the nation and the specific situation. Even if this is not the case, some spouses may choose to leave their union in the hopes of finding a better life abroad in order to escape their pain. Furthermore, many people may not be at all pleased with their planned marriages, but they still stay in them for the sake of their reputation and the judgments of society.

3. Couples might not trust one another There may also be a serious lack of trust between spouses in a marriage because they don’t genuinely know one another before being married. Therefore, it may be difficult to sustain a working marriage if partners do not trust one another.

4. Individuals could be really dissatisfied People who are forced into arranged marriages may generally be less happy than those who were free to choose their spouse because they may believe that their freedom of choice has been completely taken away from them and that they have never had any say in such a significant life decision.

5. Insufficient Dating time Many of us also truly like going on numerous dates with different people until we find the one that matches our preferences the best. To identify who best fits us, though, we must gain dating experience. Therefore, if this experience is missing, a lot of the fun is gone from everything, and the likelihood of a mismatch increases significantly.

While arranged marriages can be successful, they can also be stressful for the couple involved. Some of the common stressors of arranged marriage in India include:

Lack of choice: In an arranged marriage, the couple does not have the same level of choice as they would in a love marriage. In an arranged marriage, the bride and groom have little or no control over who they marry. This can be a source of stress for people who want to choose their own spouse. This can be a source of stress for both partners, as they may feel like they are not in control of their own lives.

Pressure from family: In arranged marriages, there is often a lot of pressure from family members to make the marriage work. This can be a source of stress for the couple, as they may feel like they have to live up to other people’s expectations.

Family differences: If the couple comes from different backgrounds, this can also be a source of stress. They may have different expectations about marriage, family, and religion.

Communication problems: In arranged marriages, the couple may not have had much time to get to know each other before the wedding. This can lead to communication problems, as they may not be able to understand each other’s needs and expectations.

Lack of intimacy: In arranged marriages, the couple may not have had much physical intimacy before the wedding. This can lead to a lack of intimacy in the marriage, which can be a source of stress.

Adjustment to a new family: In an arranged marriage, the bride and groom may have to adjust to a new family after they are married. This can be a source of stress, especially if the bride and groom do not feel comfortable with their new family.

Fear of the unknown: For some people, the idea of marrying someone they have never met can be daunting. They may worry about not being compatible with their spouse or not being able to adjust to a new life.

Fear of rejection: If the bride or groom is not interested in the person they are being matched with, they may worry about being rejected by their family or friends. This can be a source of stress, especially if the person they are being matched with is someone who is considered to be a good match.

Fear of failure: Some people may worry that their arranged marriage will fail. This can be a source of stress, especially if they have high expectations for their marriage.

If you are considering an arranged marriage, it is important to be aware of the potential stressors involved. It is also important to talk to your family and friends about your concerns. If you are feeling stressed about an arranged marriage, it is important to seek professional help.

– Urveez Kakalia and Sakshi Merai.

#pressure #arranged marriage #marriage #arranged #indian culture #families #relationship

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