#overall im still very overwhelmed by many things and trying ignore it which i think is making it worse. i am very tired and very bitter.

[tiramisiyu]

im interested to know what your thoughts are on the second anniversary card. for me… idk, i felt really depressed after reading it (even with the spicy scene), like i thought it was so well done with the conflict about why luke didnt want to propose to her, and handling the death of his parents, but then to suddenly go from that level of selflessness and denying his own happiness to a proposal felt so jarring. i know in the date that rosa says one conversation won’t change how luke thinks but even so the proposal felt so forced and different to how luke has been shown in other dates and idk to me i really think it needed to be longer OR two different dates. to me the way he proposed just felt so… rushed. im not here to bash on the date because i genuinely really liked it (and it was so interesting to see the parallels between how the two viewed their future and relationship!! + more about lukes illness and parents is a plus!) but i think i just feel super sad after reading it. maybe that’s the real reason why we got so many fluffy dates that ignored lukes illness LMAO. but ya thanks for reading my thoughts and id love to know what you think!!

putting in another person's ask here too:

firstly, it really warms my heart that yall are still interested in hearing my opinion even though i've taken a step back from the active participation i used to have! i'll organize my thoughts below (it's been like a week since i've read it so things are a bit murkier now... kazuha and heizou were taking up all of my braincells during this week, sorry)

I should probably preface this by saying that emotionally, I don't have much to say; last year I was overwhelmed with emotion, sobbing, the works, but this year my feelings have kinda shifted to "aww good for you XY!" and "man, we're doing this dance again, of depressed XY not doing things bc he's concerned about MC's long term happiness and MC gradually convincing him to just do what would make him happy" (I mean, not that it's a bad thing; it's not easy to get out of old mindsets).

It definitely was depressing overall, so it makes sense that anon #1 feels that way. The sad mood didn't really lift until the end when the proposal happened. And I kinda feel what you both mean by it being rushed - I was expecting them to wait a few more days after the cemetery conversation, so when XY actually proposed I was kinda blindsided LOL. Like it literally went like this:

MC: [talks about how she's willing to be with him until the end as they walk back from the cemetery; at this point in time he was still not willing to propose bc of his illness and whatnot]

XY: [suddenly drags MC back to his place, sprinting, not saying a word]

MC: ?? ok then

XY: [reappears and proposes]

All this happens in like, idk, 30 minutes?? Yeah, definitely felt rushed to me. I think the issue lies in how we KNOW that XY knows that MC would think in this way, but it's not really explained at all why this particular conversation - and nothing else beforehand - incited such a massive change in heart in him. Unless if he really did need to just hear the words and was subconsciously just waiting for her to say so? But that doesn't quite fit with his selfless personality that's very explicitly described in this particular date.

I think they may have intentionally been trying to mirror the circumstances in the 1st anniv date, which might explain how quickly he was able to change his mind and be convinced by MC within the time limits of the date. But if that’s the case, I think that works better for confession than proposal, since marriage shouldn’t be something you jump into just bc you were feeling in the mood to propose right then...

The proposal content itself, ofc, was great. Very nice speech, 10/10; Themis writers know what a girl wants. It was also nice to hear a little bit about XY's mom although it wasn't the plot-relevant stuff I wanted 😭😭 I wanna know if they were intentionally killed and what their professions were, that sort of thing;; There's also no info on whether they're making progress in maybe curing XY and time's running a little short, so I wonder if/how this will be resolved.

(actually i don't really recall where he said that his sickness wasn't 100% the reason why he was proposing so feel free to remind me 😭) lmk if there were any other specific things you wanted my thoughts on!

#ask #im sorry it took so long to respond to these

[kellystar321]

.

#periodical life updates #got my first covid vaccination finally <33 i was vaguely worried but it didnt hurt as much as i expected <3 #i got a white sticker and drew an mspa reader face on it and it brings me joy #this morning was;;; not good? i lost my ID card for the second time due to being A Forgetful Lil Binch(tm) so i tried to look for it #when my mom found out i lost my ID card (for the second time) she just sort of berated me and told me to find it (which. does not help.) #and then she told me to get food. and then she told me to look for my id again. this understandably sucked. #dad found out i lost my ID and also berated me for it. mom somehow brought it aroubd to the fact that all i do is sit and draw? #and dad called my art useless??? this is upsetting but looking back im just /sir how did we get to this topic how did you jump to this?/ #you breaking some world record for longest jump because i have no idea how else you could have leapt from Point A to Point B??? lmao???? #uhh but in all actuality i cried really quietly to myself. terrible morning overall? #like 1/10 only because i got to eat coconut butter cookies and lychee jelly cups which are old childhood favorites <3 #getting vaccination was fine though they were very friendly and it went really quickly and smoothly <3 #i am trying my best to make this more lighthearted than i felt <3 #overall im still very overwhelmed by many things and trying ignore it which i think is making it worse. i am very tired and very bitter. #i'll get there; i'll get there. in other news its another day of not going on the computer. waitin til tomorrow to draw. should probably nap #thanks for reading if you did <3 it's nice to get my thoughts out somewhere where im not a bother; so people can ignore it if they want to #i wish i could do more but im all worn out. im not happy but i'll get there. i love /you/; okay? things are going to get better. #<3

[onthepageoftears]

Kill Your Darlings — Ch. 1 (Jaskier x Assassin!Reader) || Witcher

A/N: So this is the start to my first ever series (yeah im not nervous posting this at all). I’ll be posting one chapter each Friday! This is more of a prologue, but definitely worth the read for the background! Overall, I have to warn you, this story is a very slow burn. I haven’t finished writing it yet, but I know some ~things~ take a while to happen, so stick around!

Anyway, your comments and feedback are more than appreciated, so don’t be afraid to leave me some messages :)

Also, if you’re @ on the taglist is italicized, it means it wouldn’t let me tag you, so you might have to change your settings :)

Summary: Y/N, a skilled assassin, gets their newly assigned target.

Warnings: language, mentions of death/killing/murder, mentions of abuse and r*pe, alcohol consumption

Words: 1,996

Support me?

Please Don’t Plagiarize My Work!

Taverns were one of your least favorite places to meet. The stench of the unfortunate man’s breath wafted through the air, on top of the lingering odor of cheap alcohol. Men staggered around with their mouths wide open, yelling obscenities — women pulled down their dresses just enough to gain attention, glaring at anyone who passed. Everyone was way too loud, as if the sound of their slurred words were more valued over anyone else’s.

Your hood hung low over your head, just high enough to leave space for you to see. Your eyes immediately scanned the tavern — it was smaller than the usual ones you met at, but just as packed. The stuffiness of the room practically smacked you in the face as soon as you walked in, almost making you scrunch your nose. The smell was way worse than you remembered.

You kept your face stiff as your eyes stopped at a table near the back. Without a second thought, you made your way past the piles of people and towards the familiar head of hair you would recognize in a mass of a hundred people.

“I see you still have an impeccable taste for meeting places.” Your voice caused him to look up just as you sat across from him, removing the hood that covered most of your face.

“You know I do.” Rauf smiled proudly despite your obvious sarcasm. He gestured to the full cup of ale that was already in front of you. “A drink?”

You shook your head, “Not tonight.”

“Come on, Y/N. It’s just like old times.” Rauf was right. The length of the walls, wood of the tables, even the stench of the ale in your cup. It reminded you of the many nights you and Rauf would retreat to the taverns after training. A hard day’s work requires a hard day’s ale. It was what he said when he treated you to your first, and definitely not last, drink. You were pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to get drunk — which, you wouldn’t blame him for. Your line of work was never easy, not even for a veteran like him.

You picked up the drink with a sigh. “What’s the occasion?”

“Can’t I just want to have a drink with my favorite niece?”

“Only niece. And not by blood.” You reminded him every time, but it didn’t stop him from saying it.

Rauf was a family friend, always had been. You called him uncle, even when you were old enough to understand he had no relation to your family’s bloodline. Growing up, he was a common visitor at your parents’ home, frequently coming for a chat over some dinner. He would ruffle your hair on his way out, send you a wink every time. You always loved his visits, because it was the only time your parents stopped fighting; in those times, you felt like you had a normal, happy, family. Now, Rauf was the only one of your family that you had left.

You shook the memory from your mind and put the cup down. “You have a new target?”

Rauf was busy watching a woman drunkenly dance to the poor excuse of music, but he responded nonetheless. “When do I not?” He turned back to his own cup and chugged it down. After he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, he looked at you. “People are shitty, Y/N, always have been.”

“My point exactly.” You tapped the table beneath you, trying to keep your patience. Sometimes, it was hard for you to imagine Rauf running an assassin’s guild. He was responsible, sure, but in front of you, he acted like any other man in the tavern. In this case, that meant being almost unable to tear his eyes from beautiful women. There was always a charm about him, though, like the charisma of a well-respected bard — without the annoying craving for attention. He was messy looking, but in a good way, and his smile was infectious. At a single glance, you wouldn’t think he has killed people.

You took another sip of your ale, though it didn’t taste like much of anything.

Rauf turned his gaze back to you, a playful smile on his lips. “Maybe you should learn to dance. Perform, act. You used to always put on plays for me as a youngster.”

“I’m acting right now.” You faked a smile when he quirked his brow. “Like I don’t want to kill you.”

Rauf leaned back, his smile growing wider. “We both know you don’t kill innocent men.”

“You call yourself innocent?”

“Point taken.”  He signaled the server to bring another round, eyes almost immediately trailing back to the dancing woman.

It was your job to assassinate those deserving, but you really felt like bending the rules right now. Rauf could be distracted, but tonight he was especially so. You clenched your jaw, urging your own patience to hold out a little longer.

It was understandable why Rauf would want some time off from talking about the job. As Rauf mentioned the last time you spoke, business was, to put it lightly, booming. He had been giving out more assignments than usual — our work finally paid off, he told you. It was quite exciting, to be honest. After years of working alongside Rauf and his trusted team, you all hoped the guild would reach a wider range of people in need. 

After all, your guild was different than most; rather than be paid to kill anyone, Rauf made sure there was an unjust act committed by the targeted party. Abuse, rape, murder, any of the likes. You were vigilantes, in a way — though even the most well-known assassins of your guild wouldn’t call themselves that. You all knew you were killing — it just helped you sleep at night to know the ones who were being killed weren’t…undeserving of the death.

The rise in work was great, but also taxing on Rauf. Even just looking at him now, you could see the weight he was holding on his back. His eyes were more tired, overworked. Of course, he would never admit to it, and neither would you. Complaining leads to laziness. It was one of his many scoldings throughout your training. 

So, Rauf needing a break from his work made sense. It just made you antsy knowing there were more people out there committing heinous acts — more people you needed to terminate.

The server returned with two new cups of alcohol. As Rauf continued to watch the woman dance her troubles away, you tapped your finger on the table, shifted in your seat, fought yourself from rolling your eyes, and finally cleared your throat. You spent enough time waiting around. “Rauf.”

“Hm?” He only slightly turned to you.

You let out a frustrated sigh before answering, “The target.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Finally, his attention was brought back to the task at hand. You straightened your back, readying yourself for your next assignment.

Rauf’s eyes searched your own. Finally, he spoke.“He’s a loud mouth—“

You rolled your eyes. “My favorite.”

“I wasn’t finished.” He took a big gulp from his cup and set it back on the table. “A bard.”

“Even better.” You followed his actions and chugged the rest of your drink, putting it back without so much of a blink. “What’d he do?”

Rauf’s mouth twitched. The sarcasm was spilling from his expression before he even spoke. “You’re gonna love this.”

“I bet.” You had to hold yourself back from leaning forward in anticipation.

Rauf pursed his lips. Then, he let out a quick breath. “Raped. A bunch of women.”

You quirked a brow. “A bunch?”

“Twelve. So far.”

You shook your head. “Not ‘so far’. Just twelve. There won’t be anymore.”

“Not after you’re done with him.”

“Damn right.” You settled back in your seat, anger already filling your veins. If not for your years of training with Rauf, the anger you felt would overwhelm you, cause you to be irrational and slam your fist into whoever’s face was closest. But now, you learned to contain that anger and use it on your targets. And boy, did you use it.

A thought entered your mind, but you bit your tongue for a few seconds. As Rauf lifted his cup once more, you tried to sound casual. “Who put down the money?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know that’s anonymous.”

“Of course,” You shrugged. “But if it was one of the victims, I hope you gave them a reasonable price.”

Rauf studied you for a moment. “It wasn’t a victim. It was a… family friend of the victim.”  You narrowed your eyes at him until he groaned. “Yes, I gave them a discount.”

“Good.” You leaned back with satisfaction. Now that that was out of the way, you needed to figure out the details of the target. “This target got a name?”

Rauf tapped the edge of his cup with a finger. “Julian Alfred Pankratz. Goes by Jaskier. Not quite famous, but well-known enough.”

Your eyes glazed over with near boredom. “I haven’t heard of him.”

“You haven’t heard of anyone. Well, I suppose that’s partially my fault.”

You ignored his comment. He often tried to guilt himself for not teaching you more about things other than training, fighting, killing. No matter how many times you told him you didn’t mind, he brought it up anyway. Besides, you didn’t think you wanted to know of this bard, especially after what he’s done.

“Where is the target located?”

“He was in Oxenfurt two weeks ago, at the time of the most recent…incident. Payer said he’s now in Novigrad.”

“Not far.”

A comfortable silence fell between you two, allowing the noise of the tavern to fill in the gap. You noticed Rauf eye the same woman who had been dancing practically all night. This time, you allowed your eyes to make their way to her as well. She was so carefree, seemingly impossible to tire. There was so much life in her, but you wondered what she went home to. An empty house or a full one? An abusive husband or a loving partner? A loved child or one she wished she never had? These people, they each had their own lives that lead to either pain, anger, or devastation. Each and every person would have their own life, their own struggles, their own sins. Some of them wouldn’t even realize it, or care.

You shifted your attention back to the nearly full cup in front of you. You picked it up and swirled the liquid around before bringing it to your lips. Before every assignment, you felt the same nerves as you did now. It was a mix of eagerness and hesitation. In this case, you wanted to get the son of a bitch bard, no matter what it took. But an assassination in a city like Novigrad, for a somewhat popular bard? It would be tough, that was for sure.

Rauf must have noticed your clouded eyes, as he nodded his head towards you. “You think you can handle this?”

Despite the underlying nerves, your lips curved upward and you quirked a challenging brow towards him. Within a second Rauf nodded with a similar smile, silently understanding the uselessness of his question. Of course you could handle it. It would be tough, yeah, but the job was always tough. You were trained by the best, after all.

Rauf lifted his cup and spoke with the rim to his lips, “Meet me at the Novigrad guild when you’re done. You have the usual time to finish it.”

You took one last sip of your drink, then stood from the chair as you lifted your hood over your head, “See you soon, Uncle Rauf.”

After a single nod from him, you left the tavern and descended into the darkness, ready to eliminate your next target.

———————————————————————————————————

Tags: @alienemilyyyy​ @treehousemagicblog​ @jediviolet​ @roaringliona18​ @saint-hardy​ @milkierei​ @curse-brekker​ @beneathstarryskies​ @itsametaphorbriansblog​ @scream-kiwi79​ @starfox-92 @sophiasescape​ @aspenholland

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#the witcher imagine #jaskier x reader #jaskier imagine #jaskier #jaskier series #the witcher series #the witcher #reader insert #reader imagine #kyd #kill your darlings series #writing #my writing #fic #the witcher fic #joey batey

[shellheadtm-a]

anon | ‘✖‘ cuz it seems like you're only willing to rp w/ people who are big on aesthetics, or 'friends only' ...

anon | ‘✖‘ the times i have reached out to you, i've been ignored... i do love your blog so, but naturally i'm hesitant because of that.

i’m gonna answer these together and be breathtakingly, brutally honest about myself here.  first things first:  i remade in part because this was a bit of a problem, in that so much was happening on my dash at all times i literally could not keep up with the influx of ims, how fast my dash moved, and it was incredibly, awfully, not fun overwhelming.  rp started to feel like a job, and i’m not here for that.  i couldn’t keep up.  i was stretched thin.  so naturally i gravitated back to the people i have sure, plotted things with.  things i don’t have to think hard about because i don’t have to really consider how tony feels, i already know.  does any of this make sense?  probably not.  but this is a lot of it.  there was just too much, at all times, going on, and now that i’m here, on this new blog, the list of people i’m following is genuinely under a quarter of how many i was.  i do regular clean outs when things aren’t clicking.

so let me clear up the main elephant in the room here that...if you’re here, if i’m following you.  i want to rp with you.  i don’t care if you’re 616.  i don’t care if you’re mcu.  i don’t care if you’re another fandom.  i don’t care if you’re an oc.  i don’t.  if i’m here and you’re here, i want the thing.  sometimes it’s gonna take some hashing out before we do the thing, however.  and that all comes down to the point that scenarios that would work for an mcu based tony will not work for a 616 based one.  things have to be kinda guided, i know not everyone is familiar with the comics and how astronomically different tony is.  but i’m here to do that, to talk about, to explain how he’s different and answer any questions anyone may have because i am a literal tony stark wiki article.  except more indepth and a better wealth of cited sources.  you get me?  please i am begging you - if you ever legit have questions about how comic tony is different, i am always happy and more than willing to answer them.  you’re giving me a chance to do my favorite thing, which is talk about my boy.

and if i’ve ever ghosted you in an im or something, it’s by accident usually.  again, i used to get...so many ims.  so many.  i could not keep up.  i’d open something with the intention of replying and get swamped with something else and...by the time i realized i’d never replied it’d been ages and i’d look like an asshole.  like i said, my dash is much, much, much smaller now.  and i definitely intend to keep it that way.  i’m still bad about being flaky on tumblr ims, i don’t know why my brain hates them so much.  and i will say disco is literally the best place for this kind of thing, if you have it.  but i’m doing what i can - now that i’m not...drowning under the weight of things - to keep up with what i have.  i’m...well, probably still failing miserably, but i’m trying.  there’s also the fact that i’m socially anxious, shy, and awkward.  i don’t do the whole hi how are you thing very well.  i do better, handle it better, if we just jump right into it.  it gives me something to latch on to that’s not the social graces i lack. (as a note, you’ll probably notice i’m in literally almost no marvel/rp servers at all that aren’t exceptionally tiny and closed, and this is part of that, too.)

last two things, here we go.  one, there are certain people (that shall remain nameless) that i have a lot of things with.  and by a lot i mean unintentionally they make up the bulk of my drafts and inbox.  we just have plotted and built so much we have a lot to say.  but that doesn’t mean i’m closed to having more friends like that.  let me be really clear about that.  i’m absolutely here for it.  and now, hopefully, with such a small dash, i can do that.  like everyone else, sure, i have my friends.  we happen to have plotted things more.  i have threads i’m really excited about, and they get a faster turn around - strike while the iron is hot, etc.  but it’s because we talk and plot that that happens.  i know i’m kinda awkward, and it takes a tic to get me comfortable.  i don’t do small talk at all.  but honestly - i prefer being friends with people i write with because it makes it all just...so much easier than writing with a stranger.  i’ve never been very good at that, and i come - originally - from an rp background stretching back to livejournal and dreamwidth where friend groups move through the community together, and all the friend groups are interconnected by some people so they merge and move and...it’s like that.  it’s how i know how to operate.  and i would love - and i can’t believe i’m finally gonna say it - to have a good, solid group.  for continuity and plotting.  a bunch of avengers rpers where we can just.  set up a continuity line and run with it.  would fucking love that.

lastly, here’s the the thing:  i don’t give a good doodly fuck all about aesthetics.  i really don’t.  i like making things in photoshop, it’s fun for me.  it’s a hobby.  it’s relaxing some days to do nothing but make comic edits.  i like comic artwork, so i make things out of it.  a lot of the rpc is into it.  i know some people do it for...idk.  popularity points.  but it’s completely incidental.  i make things because i want to,  not because i give a good goddamn what anyone else thinks about it.  don’t use icons?  cool, that’s fine.  don’t have a fancy theme?  great, those don’t matter.  don’t make fancy promos?  okay, would you like one?  i like making promos.  like it’s a thing that literally just doesn’t matter to me, but is also a hobby that overlaps the rpc and it is what it is.

a lot of my reticence has to do with the fact that...i worry people come here looking for a tony stark that acts like mcu tony, and uses comic artwork, and that’s not what this is.  i’m a comic tony through and through, and he’s as different as you can get without a lot of core things being true.  i feel like that’s probably disappointing to some people, and if it is, i’m sorry, but it’s why, ultimately, overall i was disappointed with how the mcu panned out.  but it makes me really kinda...gunshy, even though i very much want to interact with you if you’re here!  i do.  and that’s the truth of it.

why aren’t we rping | accepting

#file //: ( anonymous ) #array //: ( ooc asks ) #// i had a real problem feeling uncomfortable on my own blog #// before i remade #// it seemed like #// i couldn't just enjoy rp #// there was always something #// now though? #// i feel pretty good about it #// small dash #// full of people i genuinely want to interact with #// even if i am a forgetful idiot #// if i ever just kind of #// seem to forget #// (because that's what it is) #// just nudge me #// i won't be mad about it i swear #// you're doing me a favor

[comfortmarvelimagines]

how does it feel, to have a family?

found the beginning of this in my google drive, so decided to finish it ! we love irondad also peter being The Best friend/brother :) i should be studying rn but im so overwhelmed with everything and writing is truly escapism at its finest

Tony already felt like he knew y/n.

Somewhere, in between Peter’s ramblings of what he ate for breakfast and the latest corner-store robbery, little pieces of them found their way in. That they helped Peter on his english essay and got him an A. Or that they dyed their hair last week, and Peter thought it was super cool that they had the confidence to do something different. Even down to what they talked about over lunch. For the most part, Tony just accepted this like he accepted Peter’s nerdy puns and Star Wars theories, a part of him that just was. Like Ned and MJ, y/n was a support. A friend. That was good, right? Teenagers needed friends, god knows Pete could use more of them outside of the suit. So y/n became a constant, background hum in the anecdotal existence of Peter Parker.

This went on for months. Peter’s trio of friends became four and everything seemed fine. Normal. Until Peter let tidbits of information that set off alarm bells for Tony, the first of which came after a long weekend in the labs. Tag-team parenting was harder than anticipated, he ruminated after realising Peter was not in the car when he should’ve been.

“Peter, why are you making another sandwich? You’ve already got lunch and we’ve got to leave if you’re gonna get to school on time. May’ll have my head if you’re late again.”

“Y/n hasn’t had lunch at all last week and I haven’t seen them eat anything at all since Thursday, I thought I’d try to help,” Peter mumbled, jamming the lid back on the peanut butter jar.

“Yeah, cool, okay, whatever, just get your spider butt down to the car.” That was strange, but it could mean anything. They could’ve forgotten to eat, or simply eaten when Peter wasn’t around- it’s not like they were together 24/7. Regardless, it was really none of Tony’s business what Peter’s friends did, or didn’t do. What was Tony’s business, was getting his spiderling to his education. “Underoos, let’s go!”

***

The second time was when Peter left his school bag dumped on the floor of the lab, chemistry textbooks and loose papers sprawled out under the workbench. Tony only realised this as he tripped on the strap, bracing himself against the desktop to stop him falling and knocking over a piece of machinery in the process. Grumbling, he knelt down to replace the contents back of the bag, preparing a lecture for Peter about the importance of lab safety and keeping track of his belongings, when he noticed a sheet of paper crumpled into a ball. Curious, he unfolded it, reading its contents under his breath. “Midtown School of Science and Technology… Parents Evening… huh. Wonder if he remembered to show May this.” Shaking his head at the unreliability and overall disorganised-ness of the teen, he set off to go find him.

“Pete, no wonder you’ve lost so many backpacks if you can’t even remember to take it to your room when you get here! How many times do I have to tell you, just because you can just stick yourself to the ceiling doesn’t mean that the rest of us want a concussion-”

“Sorry Mr Stark.”

“Oh, right, so when you’re in trouble it’s back to formalities? ‘Mr Stark’ still almost broke his wrist regardless of what you call me… What are you doing?”

“Texting”

“Texting who? Adult’s talking, doesn’t mean the kid gets to zone out.”

“Y/n”

The softness in Peter’s voice suddenly jerked Tony back to the previous time y/n had come up. He remembered it’d had something to do with a sandwich, of worry and not eating. It suddenly struck him that they’d hardly been mentioned at all since; something gone relatively unnoticed in the constant stream of babble from Peter, but was in retrospect was decidedly odd.  He decided to play nice.

“Are they okay?” Tony paused for a second. “I haven’t heard you mention them in a while.”

He regretted it immediately, because Peter shut down. “Yeah, they’re fine. I’m sorry, I won’t leave my bag in the lab again.” He walked out, grabbing the backpack from Tony’s hand on the way out, leaving the older man too stunned to even respond. Something had struck a nerve, and if it was hitting his kid that hard he was determined to find out.

***

The third time was when Tony went digging.

The phone call had started with no intention of mentioning y/n; he simply wanted to talk to May and ask her about the flyer from Peter’s school. He had meant to bring it up earlier when he confronted him about the backpack, but after the dramatic ‘storm out and sulk somewhere else’ sequence that Peter had pulled, Tony had thought better of it and left the kid to his own devices for the night. Instead, he went straight to May, to at the very least make sure she knew about the flyer and that she was going. She picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, is everything okay?” May sounded, exhausted, like she’d been woken up by her phone. Ignoring the fact, Tony proceeded.

“Did you get the flyer about the parent information evening?”

“No, what parent evening? Pete hasn’t mentioned anything, if that’s what your getting at”. In her apartment, May shifted her quilt and propped herself up on her elbow, intrigued.  

“It’s on the, uh, 6th. Sorry, it’s kind of hard to read since your nephew shoved it down the bottom of his school bag.”

“Shit,” May whispered under her breath. “I’m working a double shift that day. I won’t be finished work until 10, there’s no way I’d be able to make it. No wonder he didn’t say anyth-”

“I’ll go.”

In all honesty, Tony really didn’t know why he said that. Not in doubt of his love for his kid, but in fear of overstepping boundaries. Were they there yet? What would Peter think? He hadn’t asked, maybe he wasn’t comfortable with Tony just showing up to a school function. Too late now.

“Tony, are you still there?”

“What, yeah, May, just multitasking.” “I said, if you’re going to go, there’s something you should know about. You’ll have to talk to Peter about it though, it’s not really my place to say. Just... ask him about y/n, his friend.”

Huh. Y/n. Again. Interesting. “Okay, thanks May. I’ll talk to you again later, have a good night.” “You too Tony, maybe try and sleep at some point.”

“Will do. FRIDAY, end call.” Tony rubbed his hand over his face. There was something going on, but if Peter wasn’t going to talk then he’d never figure it out. “FRIDAY, where is Pete?”

“Mr Parker is currently in his room. Would you like me to alert him to your imminent arrival?”

“Sure, FRI.” Tony hurried to the elevator. He needed to somehow get to the bottom of whatever was going on. There were several possibilities. Y/n and Peter could have had some sort of falling out, a fight. There could’ve been a relationship thrown into the mix, teenage angst and hormones jarring their friendship. Or, as Tony feared, something had happened to y/n, something Peter was trying to fix but, for whatever reason, couldn’t. Before they could get to that, though, he was going to have to talk about the parent night.

***

Of course, these things never go quite as planned.

“Pete?”

No answer.

“Pete, please let me in”

Really, it didn’t matter either way. Tony had every intention of overriding the code.

A sniffle sounded from just behind the door. “I’m fine, Mr Stark.”

“Yeah, and I’m the queen of England.” Tony realised he was handling the situation in the exact opposite way he’d wanted to. “Look, kid, I just wanted to talk about the parent evening at school.”

“I already know May can’t go, it’s fine.” Peter’s voice was barely audible, choked.

“No, see, here’s the thing, I talked with her earlier and we were thinking maybe I could go in her place,” he slid down the door to sit, knees up, shoulder pressed to the doorframe. “I completely understand if that’s too much, or if it’s overstepping the boundaries of what this,” he gestured even though Peter couldn’t see, “Is.” There was a tense, almost awkward, moment of silence, before the door slowly shifted inwards. Tony accepted the olive branch, pulled himself standing and went inside. Looking around, he realised Peter had balled himself up behind the door, head buried in his knees. Tony had never been more thankful that the kid wasn’t looking at him; he was pretty sure he’d done a terrible job of hiding his reaction to the uncharacteristic sight.  

The door was pushed closed with a soft click. Mindful to keep distance, Tony settled himself on the carpet a metre or so away.

The sob that followed broke his heart in two.

“Hey, buddy, hey, can you look at me for a sec?”

Peter’s puppy-brown eyes blinked over his folded forearms. Suddenly, he seemed worlds younger than 15.

“Did you want me to go to the parent night?”

Slow nod.

“Okay. That’s good, great! Can’t wait to hear all about how great my genius kid is…” he realised he was getting off track again when Peter’s face dipped back out of sight.

“You don’t have to, but did you wanna tell me what’s got you so upset? I know something was up earlier…” That was as close as Tony was going to get to apologising for not being softer, sooner. Something must’ve struck the same nerve as earlier in the lab, because Peter’s breathing hitched.

“It’s y/n.”

“I know I asked earlier, but is everything okay between you two?”

As if knocking down a dam wall, Peter launched into a rambled explanation. “May usually goes to both our classes because their parents don’t go. And lately they haven’t had any food to eat at school and they’re getting really skinny and I don’t know what’s goin’ on but I’m worried, ya know? Like I wanna save them like I save people when I’m Spider-Man but I can’t help and I don’t know what to do. May said we can only do what we can but I dunno what that means either, Mr Stark, like do I just deliver groceries to their house as Spider-Man or somethin?”

Taking mental note of how hysterically high Peter’s voice was, Tony made sure to keep his level, barely above a whisper. “Peter, do you think they’re being hurt at home?”

***

“H-heyyyy, y/n,” Peter stuttered as you swung open your locker. He was leaning against the wall, obviously trying to act casual and making his strange behaviour even more pronounced. You just raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to drop the charade.

“Okay, okay, yeah uh so are you doin’ anything on Friday?”

“Interesting question, but no. You do realise that today is Friday, unless you’re talking about next week, which I’m free too. You know I don’t do anything on Fridays,” you turned to grab your AP psych textbook out of the top shelf of your locker, not realising the bottom of your shirt rode up to the base of your ribcage. When you turned back around, Peter’s eyes were practically bulging out of his head. “What?”

“Oh, uh, nothing. I just… Mr Stark asked if I wanted to have a friend over to the compound for the weekend, since we don’t really have much to work on… and Ned’s busy… and it’d be really super cool there’s a whole theatre room and a bunch of Lego sets and some of the avengers might be there…” Peter trailed off.

“What are you saying?”

“Did you wanna come to the compound for the weekend?”

You laughed. “Peter, it sounds cool and all but I don’t have any clothes or anything on me for a whole weekend. Unless you or Mr Stark knows how to sew jeans from my textbook, than I’m super unprepared.”

“Wait… Aren’t you a similar clothes size as me? I have a bunch of clothes there, you can just borrow mine. Or we could get Happy to swing past your hou-”

“NO. I mean, I, uhm, don’t have a key? So I can’t get into my apartment? So I can’t get my clothes? I guess I left my keys at home?” You trailed off into an awkward laugh, scuffing your sneakers into the cheap linoleum.  

“Okay, cool cool cool. Uh, do you mind wearing your jeans twice? My clothes would just be a little oversized on you, but like does it matter if you have a clean top and something to sleep in?”

“Guess not. Are you sure you want me there?”

“Dude, are you serious? Of course I do! You’re my friend,” Peter hesitated, noticing your hands fumbling with the sleeves of your hoodie. A nervous habit. “It’ll be fun, I promise. I’ll see you after class, yeah?”

“Yeah.”  

***

“Hey kid. Hey, kid’s friend,” Happy’s greeting was curt, delivered with a glance up at the rear-view mirror as you and Peter a slid across the back seat of the car.

“Hey Happy,” Peter responded. You said nothing, eyes down, practically radiating anxiety. At Happy’s enquiring glance, he shook his head; now was not the time or the place to be asking questions. That’d come later, if it got to that point. Peter wanted to try and make you as comfortable as possible, not freak you out.  

The rest of the car ride was silent. You weren’t asked to speak, and so didn’t; and it almost felt like there was an unspoken agreement between Happy and Peter to just wait. Nothing much happened after, either. You followed Peter to his room, and sat cross-legged on the soft carpet to construct a Lego set. Eight pm rolled around and Tony poked his head round the door. “Hey, Pete, and y/n, yeah? You guys hungry?”

Peter looked at you and you shook your head. You’d already accepted a granola bar off MJ and the banana from Ned’s lunch, you honestly didn’t think you could stomach much more. You weren’t sure if it were even medically possible, but you were pretty certain your stomach had shrunk in the last few months. In staring steadfastly at the lego in your hands, you missed yet another knowing glance over your head; unbeknownst to you, both Peter and Tony’s concern for you had just increased tenfold.  

“Okay, well, we’re ordering pizza anyways, so what do ya want?”

“Uh, I’ll grab a meat-lover's and they’re vegetarian, so I guess a margherita?”

“Cool. Avengers are in the living room, if you wanna hang out there for a bit,” Tony turned and left, asking FRIDAY if she “got all that” as he walked. Peter let the silence hang, almost awkwardly, before asking if you wanted to take Tony’s offer of moving to the living room. You shrugged.

“I don’t mind, whatever’s easiest- whatever you want, I don’t know.”

“I promise you they’re super nice.”

You moved to unfurl you legs, shaking out the numbness as you stood. Your friend moved to follow, albeit in a significantly more athletic fashion, taking the lead as you waited for him to walk slightly ahead before you followed him down the hall. Sure, this wasn’t exactly what you’d expected, but then again could you really expect anything in this place?

***

The one expectation that was realised was that the Avengers were loud. Arguing over the TV playing something no one was watching, what felt like three conversations going simultaneously. But they were nice, and after a while you felt almost a part of this sitcom-esque, hodgepodge family of heroes. If it were anyone else, it would have felt almost painfully domestic; the mario kart competition, the playful insults around mouthfuls of garlic bread, the throwing of cushions countered by almost subconscious brushes of apology. The unspoken need for safety, for calm, for them to have this escape, was all too obvious. You felt that need, you filled that need with Peter and Ned and MJ and sometimes, it was enough. But this… This was different.

The fun and games went on for a few hours, replaced later in the night with movies and yawns and collapsed bodies under blankets. The quiet was nice, the casual gestures of affection between them all taking you by surprise. Despite giving in to expecting the unexpected, you were still caught off guard when the one-and-only Tony Stark came and took a seat next to you on the floor.  

“So,” he looked at you hard, scrutinising. An involuntary shiver wracked your spine.

“I was talking to Pete. And May. About Midtown’s parent-teacher night,” the pause was anticipatory, waiting for a reaction. The only one he got was you staring even harder at your socked feet, head bowed.

“Kid.”

No reaction.

“Hey, look at me. You’re not in trouble, I just think I can help with something.”

This elicited a tilt of your head, a glance through your peripheral. The same trick that worked on Peter worked on you, to some extent.

“I guess Peter already told you May can’t go, and so he wouldn’t be going”

Nod.

“And I was talking to May, and we agreed that if you were comfortable, I’d be more than happy to act as your parent as well as Peter’s,” at the mention of his name, Peter sidled over to join the conversation.

“Y/n, ya know, I know your home family isn’t the best, but you’re my family. And that- that means my family is your family too. You know May loves you. I love you, Ned and MJ love you. Everyone here loves you too. You don’t even really need to talk for people to see you’re amazing. You deserve all the family in the world.”

You moved your hand to rest on his, a silent thanks that meant more than you could ever put into words.  

“Will you let us be your family?”

“Pete can vouch, I’m amazing at being a humiliating parental figure,” Tony received a playful slap on the arm from Peter in response.

“Shut up, you’re a great da- mentor”

“Huh.” Tony shifted to lean back against the sofa. “I don’t mean this as a one off, either. You need something, you gotta tell someone, kid. Tell Peter, Ned, May, I don’t care who. But if what Peter’s saying is right, and you’re not… Not being treated right, we wanna help. We can help.”

“He’s right. Y/n, none of our families are conventional. I don’t have parents anymore, but I do have May and this whole deal. Tony didn’t have the best relationship with his parents, but he’s made his own family with Pepper and Rhodey and Happy and me.”

You heard a sob, and it took a few seconds for it to sink in that it was you. Peter pulled you into his side and you clung, thanking him and Tony over and over and over again because it was so nice. Too nice. It was unfathomable how any human beings could seem to genuinely care and want to do something and it wasn’t just empty promises it was real-

You weren’t alone. You were with family.

And you knew that you weren’t completely on your own before, of course you did. You went to school every day and saw your friends and it was okay, kinda. But keeping that secret and being okay and making out like the shit at home didn’t affect you? That was hard. But maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t have to do that anymore.   

After what felt like a year of wet, messy crying into Peter’s shirt, Tony stood up, back cracking.

“Alright, that’s enough feelings for tonight. Children need to sleep- spider or otherwise,” he directed at Peter before he could even breathe in protest. He bent down to your level, lowering his voice.

“Y/n, we’ll sort all this out tomorrow, yeah? We can make sure you’re getting enough food, schedule so you’re not at your house too much if you don’t want to be, figure out a system so we know if you’re not safe. It’ll be okay, kiddo. We got ya.”

And for the first time in your life, you felt like you were home.

#marvel #mcu #marvel comics #tony stark #Iron Man #irondad #peter parker #spiderman #x gender neutral reader #x reader #one shot #writing #story writing #ask me anything #requests open #ask me questions #send me questions #please send me stuff #send me asks #hurt/comfort #avengers

[mercenarypark]

medic hcs

Em made a big hc post for heavy a few days ago [here] and ive been meaning 2 finally do the same w/ medic bcause im gay

note: while i try to be brief about the details, this post is about a gay jewish man in Germany during wwii. to set aside any initial worries, no, he is never kept in the camps- as a jewish person myself it sickens me deep in my stomach to even think of that possibility. but there’s still mentions of n/zism and antisemitism, as one would expect.

also, a fair amount of the details of my medic hcs for his childhood are based on the german side of my family, primarily my grandfather and his father. while i still only know a little about my family history[tm], details like medic’s last name, how his family were able to lay low, etc, are based on the little bits and pieces ive heard from my grandmother #antisemitism #nazism #homophobia #transphobia #satanism #long post #text heavy #tf2 #gore text #medical abuse #malpractice #experimentation mention 

-Medic was born roughly around 1925- he’s in his early 40s around when the game takes place- to the name [redacted] Reichstein. the Reichsteins were reviled in their little town as mad doctors, which was at least somewhat true- they certainly weren’t shy to experimentation on body parts and [willing] subjects. but a good part of the hatred for them stemmed from Good Old Antisemitism, focusing their hate on the fact that they were an openly jewish family and saying that that must be influencing their occasionally morally dubious behavior

-for the longest time, though, people tolerated them- they were the only doctors around, after all. but as time went on, the disgusted glances turned to hate speech, turned to violent threats, and eventually, to violent actions.

-medic’s father, who had long since been debating on moving, finally packed the family up[against his wife’s wishes], and within a night, their home and lab were deserted.

-his father could tell that something terrible was coming. he brought down an ultimatum- they would have to abandon everything jewish about themselves in order to survive. medic was young, still, and didn’t fully understand the severity of why his father seemed so adamant that they never mention holidays they once celebrated, why their old family photos were torn and burned, why his mother was constantly reprimanded when her Yiddish roots showed through her accent

-medic’s father pulled a few favors, and before they moved into a new city, the family name was changed to Reich- a more acceptable, more German name. Reichstein could raise eyebrows, lead to questioning about jewish roots, but there have always been many Reichs in Germany.

-that’s also when Medic got his birthname changed to Ludwig, and he and his mother had to fight like hell for that. his father argued that the last thing they needed was another target on their back- if anyone found out that his son “wasn’t really a boy”, then that would bring the entire family under scrutiny and into danger.

-ludwig refused to take no for an answer. ludwig had always been someone who would rather die than pretend that he’s something he’s not, and this was one of the first signs of that. while he didnt fully understand his connection to judaism, yet, and thus didnt fight to keep it at the time; he DID understand that he wasn’t a girl, and by God did he refuse to pretend otherwise.

-eventually his father relented, though he never once forgot and throughout medic’s childhood, he would bring up how risky it was, how medic was potentially endangering them all.

-to clarify: his father DID technically accept his son being transgender, but he wanted him to repress it, ignore it, force it down and never bring it up, much like their jewish heritage. ludwig refused, and his father never liked that. [when ludwig grew older and became both openly gay AND became a practicing jew again, his father nearly had a fucking heart attack]

-ludwig was heavily isolated for most of his childhood after they moved, partially due to the war’s beginning, partially because his father was afraid of his son giving something away. he was homeschooled by his mother, and rarely left the house, instead spending most of his time playing with the family’s cockatoo, or in his father’s operating room, learning human anatomy

-this isolation[alongside his autism, and veritable cocktail of mental illnesses] helped contribute to medic’s general inability to understand how to interact with people- he is oblivious at the best of times, has no concept of personal space, rarely catches social cues, and has Awful attachment issues. he is overly affectionate with anyone he is even vaguely friendly with, he tends to ramble and talk about uncomfortably personal things without realizing its a bad thing, etc, etc, he is a mess and a half

-he does understand bits and pieces- for example, if he’s physically affectionate with someone, they tend to tense up, and try to get away from him, which means he’s doing something wrong. the problem is that he doesnt understand WHAT he’s doing wrong, or why it’s wrong[answer: he’s covered in blood and bird shit and holding at least one[1] human liver]

-speaking of physical affection, the first time engineer affectionately puts a hand on medic’s shoulder medic fucking freaks out because aside from his parents, NO ONE. no one has ever initiated Friendly Physical Contact with him. usually because theyre freaked out by him in some way. he has no idea how to cope with the fact that someone might actually think of him in a friendly manner to the point of expressing that physically [aside from sexually, which is a whole other story and a half]

-but im getting ahead of myself. the first time ludwig killed a man was when he was 17. a nazi soldier paid an unexpected visit to the Reichs. ludwig, scared for his family’s sake and overwhelmed with a boiling hatred for nazis that had simmered for all of his childhood, killed the man

-his father reacted violently, ranting that now they were doomed, but his mother helped ludwig destroy the body and evidence. by the grace of God, no other nazi followed up that visit- the soldier hadn’t told anyone where he was going, and there had been no witnesses to his visit. and germany was so chaotic at the time, that eventually the man's death was attributed to a previously unnoticed casualty in battle

-that was the first man ludwig killed, and also the first of many, many nazis. he spent a good stretch of his adult life hunting down nazis who had gone under the radar, trying to hide their past ties while still keeping the same disgusting views.

-as ive mentioned, in medical school, ludwig not only became openly gay, but returned to his jewish roots. no longer under his father's roof, and now that the war was over, medic saw no reason to hide aspects of himself any longer. and God help everyone who felt otherwise. especially once the most violently hateful dissenters, began to mysteriously disappear.

-throughout his adult life medic has had Multiple short term, non-serious relationships [including more than his fair share of one night stands], and maybe two serious relationships prior to heavy. neither of those ended well, citing ludwigs mental Fuckery as a big issue. speaking of, his mental fuckery has helped him get into at least a couple abusive relationships, which i wont detail beyond "he survived and healed".

-while he is Jewish, he is the kind of jew who criticizes god every step of the way. at least part of this is due to having to survive during the Shoah.

-the Shoah definitely fucked his mind up. the constant fear for his parents and himself, and the burning hatred for the nazis and everyone who agreed with them or stood back and let them take over, and just overall a horrible sense of helplessness, definitely contributed to a lot of his future mental fuckery, and to his feelings about God. as an adult, and as a doctor, he took the feeling of helplessness he had as a teenager, and flipped it around dramatically- if god didnt help him then, he’d have to become better than god. he would bring retribution where others didnt, and bring power and life to those god would not help.

-he sold his soul to satan sometime around his mid-30s. [this is a sentence that sounds really fucking weird if u dont know much about tf2.] there are a few reasons behind that, but im only gonna talk about one:

-as i've said, medic spent a lot of time murdering nazis who had tried to go into hiding. that's difficult when theyre trying very, very hard to cover up their past. medic struck a deal with satan- in exchange for the names, aliases, and locations of ex-nazis in hiding, he would kill them and send them straight to hell. his soul was just to sweeten the deal.

-ludwig does a Lot of experiments on captured and dead nazis, especially the painful ones. the ol' "removing a patient's skeleton" story was of a nazi officer medic had caught, and medical licence or not, ludwig would do it again in an instant

-medic's flock of homing pigeons, stolen from a wedding van, are like family to him. the original, stolen generation had more pretentious names, as named by their previous owner- mostly well known scientists and philosophers[Archimedes, Newton, Nietzsche, etc]. most of the pigeons he named himself have biblical, jewish names [Mordecai, Elijah, Rebecca, etc]

-ludwig is absolutely never prim, proper, or orderly. if he is wearing a coat that DOESNT have blood and bird shit on it, wait 5 minutes and check again

-he has a tendency to hyperfocus on something and forget things like "humans need food and water to live". heavy usually helps him remember

-medic snores. loudly. and it sounds fucking awful. heavy is, sadly, a very light sleeper. it takes a loooong time for him to finally be able to sleep through medic's snoring, and it winds up being one of the only things he actually CAN sleep through. god help you if you step on a creaky board halfway down the hall, though, because heavy will wake up in an Instant

-if tf2 were in modern times, ludwig's music taste would include a Lot of kesha, klezmer music, black metal, and so on. its varied, is what im saying

-medic, pyro, and soldier all get along surprisingly well together, because they all have a case of "same brain? same brain!", all of them have issues dealing with other people and have problems with processing/understanding things, have trouble w/ psychotic episodes and the like, overall their minds are all wired oddly but somehow they can understand /each other/

-scout accidentally becomes medic's unofficial adopted daughter and thats a whole post and a half on its own. suffice to say medic would do anything for her

-engie, demo, and medic are all Science Gays

-medic also does his best to help demo with his Absolutely Massive Amounts of Trauma and Self Loathing, by at least being a supportive shoulder to lean on when demo tries to drink himself unconscious to forget it all. hes absolutely terrible most of the time at actually saying anything to help, but he can be a good presence, and he has birds. birds help anything

-he has a very casual fling going with spy, since early on in their time at the base. its usually in a state of "on-again off-again", with the latter usually having something to do with how spy acts with scout.

-obviously theres a lot i could say about heavy and medic's relationship, but to put it briefly- theres a loooong time where both of them are "i dont understand social interaction" gays.

-medic is the "i literally dont understand how to act around people im attracted to or that me being extremely overaffectionate around you is due to the fact that im falling in love with you, i dont catch your vague hints towards the fact that you feel the same about me because you literally need to hit me over the head with something in order to get me to catch onto it" gay

-heavy is the "i have spent so many years repressing so much of myself and keeping quiet and not drawing attention to myself, that i physically cannot bring myself to be up front about the fact that im attracted to you. im also afraid of misintepreting signals and i am instead going to assume your over-affectionate attitude is platonic and i am misreading things" gay

-eventually they figure things out and its good and soft and gay

ok its 3 AM and ive been writing on this for at least an hour and a half and i told Em i would go to bed by now dhgfkhhj 

#captain's log #ask to tag / #reblog if u want idc / #im tired hfglghjkhjh #tf2 posts

[sidewalkscienceguy]

Representation Matters. And recently, I learned that one of the characters in my books is having a real impact on real people.

For the sake of privacy, I’m not going to tag any specific individuals I spoke with in this post, but this is a true story about how a character with autism in my books has affected people with autism in the real world.

When I began writing Embassy back in 2013, as I’ve said many times, the story/plot were extremely different than they are now. Most of the characters were the same, but they had different roles, and I included many characters just for the sake of including them, as I still wasn’t completely serious nor as dedicated to this series as I am today, January 5th, exactly four years since I began writing Embassy.

But as I completed more drafts of Embassy, and as I experienced various changes in my life (my most life-changing events were yet to come), I came to realize I didn’t want Embassy to be the book it started out being. I wanted it to be something deeper, playing more to the emotions and personal journeys of the characters instead of the outside plots. My purpose for writing Embassy changed. Suddenly there was a dream behind it, a message that would carry on through the unintended sequel, Resonance, and now Perihelid, the final arc of Arman Lance’s emotional journey (and the conclusion of the main themes of the first three books in the series).

Even with this more-intentional purpose shining through all the way to publication, and through the writing and publication of Resonance, too, there were still elements and characters that began to become more and more relevant to the story overall. And, recently, it has been brought to my attention that one of the still-minor characters has been having an incredible effect on some readers of my books that I didn’t quite anticipate: John Mistin.

For anyone familiar with my books, John Mistin is the older brother of Ellin Mistin, and both of them were recruited to the Embassy Program at the same time as Arman Lance (the MC) from their hometown of Cornell, on the planet Undil.

John is a socially-awkward, overly-enthusiastic guy who will give you his unwavering friendship if you so much as let him speak to you. “Hi, I’m John!” followed by a hard handshake is his signature greeting to every new person he meets. He has a form of aphasia, which is sort of similar to dyslexia, but instead of messing up spellings and being unable to read certain words/fonts, he instead routinely confuses complicated words, and Ellin is constantly correcting his mistakes. He’s aware of his aphasia, and he touts his younger sister as “my favorite dictionary.”

John has an “eidetic memory,” that is, an incredible photographic memory that allows him to vividly recall visual-spatial patterns. His life’s dream in the Embassy Program is to become a cartographer and make maps of every city, asteroid field, and planet in the Program, even venturing out on long-duration deep-space missions to map the galaxy with the Undil Embassy’s Horizon Tower. He’s an extremely quick learner with the latest cartographic technology, and is pioneering mapmaking through neuro-optical holography, where he literally creates maps by picturing them in his head and translating them into a 3D space.

He is committed to friendship. His sister, Ellin, is his best friend, and when she’s hurting, all he wants to do is comfort her. He can’t really tell when other people are uncomfortable around him, though, as we see through Arman’s eyes, Arman is at first very apprehensive about being around John, because he just doesn’t know how to “handle” being around him. Fortunately, Ellin is usually there to calm John down when he gets too excited.

I’m describing all of this because yes, John is autistic.

He’s not a main character, and we haven’t seen too much of him yet (proportionately, at least), but he takes control of the scenes he’s in. He’s a very visible character.

This is so, so, so important.

The other day, one of my followers who has read my books messaged me asking if she could ask a question about a certain character. Her question was non-specific, simply, “I don’t know if this was intentional on your part, but what’s the deal with John?”

When I told her that he’s on the autism spectrum, she was thrilled. Like, absolutely thrilled. And she told me that that’s what she thought, but she wasn’t sure if I had meant to write him like that, because the thing with John is that he sticks out from the rest of the cast. And while I’ve written other, less-visible characters in the series, John is the one I’ve paid special attention to because his role in the rest of the series is incredibly important.

The follower went on to tell me that many of her siblings have autism, and that her brother was asking her about my book, particularly about John. And when she told her brother that John was indeed autistic, her brother got really excited, too. Here’s portions of her responses telling me all of this, verbatim:

“You have...no idea how incredibly happy I am right now. Holy shit. I’M- That’s literally exactly what I was- The fact that he is intentionally- AHH. It’s so rare for autistic people to be represented and then- This is something really important to me because most of my siblings are on the spectrum actually.......

“I’ve grown up surrounded by areas of the spectrum and so I recognized that behavior and the fact that it was intentional I’m so freaking happy. Also, Ellin and John’s dynamic reminded me a lot of my own with a lot of my siblings. SO ANYWAYS THAT WAS PROBABLY MORE THAN YOU WANTED TO KNOW BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH MY RESPECT FOR YOU JUST ROCKETED....

“You’ve got this utopian-ish universe and there’s characters who are autistic and bi and- It means a lot to me. But I’ve been planning on rereading Embassy and Resonance so I’ll make sure to try to pay more attention to those scenes!......

“And honestly, it’s so important to listen to anyone really, but especially someone with autism bc a lot of people will tell them to shut up instead(I’ll fight people I swear), but it’s also just-the excitement and happiness they get when talking about something they love and actually having someone listen- it’s so great. And yes! So many people look down at people with autism and it’s so- Like all of my siblings and anyone else I know are pretty high-functioning........I mean one brother, he has these intricate worlds in his head and, literally, he can put them all on paper exactly and is just-he’s so talented with art and he’s so passionate and his style is so specific to im and ahhh..........

“OH and I meant to tell you. Last night I was talking to one of my brothers and earlier someone had been telling him about how some people won’t let autistic people do things and he was really frustrated over people being ignorant and judgmental basically, and I told him about how there was a character [in Embassy and Resonance] who was autistic and is important to the series and how positive he is, and then mentioned something about how [you] had also mentioned [you’d] known someone in college who had autism who was really smart and basically he just had this really great smile on his face and it led onto this discussion about how proud he is of his own autism and the things autistic people can do, and while there are crappy people there are some really great people too and he just-the look on his face every time I talked about [John] was just really freaking good. So-thank you. :)”

When I read that last message from her, I cried. I was sitting on my couch and just let the tears flow. To hear that, to hear how your work, how a character you’ve had in your head for years, has affected someone who lives with autism... It’s such a powerful feeling. I was completely overcome, because that is so important. 

Just yesterday, I was talking with another friend and we got into a discussion about John Mistin and how a follower on Tumblr told me her story about how John has impacted her and her brother, and my friend then told me that her own brother is on the spectrum, too. I’ve been hanging out with her family more and more recently, and she told me that ever since I’ve started coming over, he’s been calmer, and is interacting with them differently, and making goals for himself to follow through on, and that I’ve had a positive impact on him, too. Even just a few days ago, I showed him this book full of satellite imagery of the Earth, and he was absolutely fascinated by it, and he and I were just sitting at the table flipping through the pages, and he was telling me all these stories about stuff he loves doing and everything he’s interested in.

As she and I were having this discussion, I just started tearing-up right there. It’s just so overwhelming. I cannot express how important it is. I always say that my goal with my books is to inspire a love of space exploration and get people interested in the sciences, but never--NEVER--did I think that my stories would have this impact on the unsung-heroes, some of the best people you will ever meet if you just open yourself to them. Yes, it can sometimes be uncomfortable at first, but there is so much to discover, and so much to love about autism.

Even before my follower and my friend told me about their siblings, I’d already had John’s character-arc planned out. Yes, he has a big role as my books continue. Yes, you will see more of him, and you will continue seeing how good of a person he is, how devoted he is to his work, how genuine of a person he is. But now, even I am realizing how important John Mistin is outside of my books.

Representation matters. It matters because we are so numb to thinking that everyone is the same. That there are heroes and heroines and villains and friends and enemies.

We all have strengths and weaknesses, and none of us are magically good at everything. Sometimes the people we want to avoid at first are the best people we could ever meet. I didn’t write John because I needed diversity. I didn’t write John because I needed a stereotype “crazy” character. I wrote John because he is important to the story, because without him, my books literally would not be the same. And now I know he might be even more important to other people than he is to me.

#Autism #Representation matters #people with autism #books #characters #reading #writing #important #so important

[yoitscro]

Ramble time again, lol

My brain has felt “stuffed” for last few months and I think I’m starting to figure out why? Maybe. I mean, outside of the obvious ADHD and depression. It’s more so that it’s felt stuffed over the last two years, actually.

I had some projects that, within the last year, have fallen back from where they should/should’ve been. The next reanimate should been worked on at this point, the pesterquest dub should be half way, meenahquest had to be revamped to the point that i may limit it to either myself or a VERY small team...so on.

I’m choosing to not listen to anyone who claims it’s because the pot finally boiled over with how much I carry. Yes, I do A LOT, more than I should, but I tend to feel a bit hurt if anyone suggests that me being overwhelmed is solely on me and not, like, outside factors. It feels ignorant and slightly one-upping on me for no reason, and like, I’m not going to take that well, lol.

My run of projects was fairly well before that and it isn’t just because I finally bit off more than I could chew. It’s because 2020 set EVERYONE back. It consisted of me being an essential worker during the midst of the pandemic, on top of being one of the many black people in America that were stressing to hell and back. Also, I’d been trying to (still) get over overall trauma that’s come from having a falling out with some ex-Homestucks that decided that publicly trying to stomp out a black person in the beginning of February was some kind of heroic justice. I also still have to live with my mom...which is, alot.

It’s been a mix of things that’ve left me, more so than usual, feeling angry, fatigued, sleep deprived, anxious, depressed, and semi-suicidal (I say semi because having a fear of pain has only had me at most to think about the most painless way to go versus...doing anything. also i still have too many things i wanna do. too many people i still care about for these...rhetorical scenarios. which. still isn’t good).

I guess you could say there’s a lot more going on that maaaaybe just maybe puts projects on the back burner, reasonably so, and well, I’m never one who’s taken well to salt being put in my wounds.

(I remember someone I once considered a friend suggesting that I go to therapy, or asking if I looked into it, despite ignoring the fact that they’d been one of the people that, if not had given gossip to others*, then at least knew that I was being singled out and didn’t do anything to help or at least provide understanding. They in fact felt annoyed that it was getting worse and I was talking about it so much as a sign of help versus actually caring, or at least telling me directly that they didn’t want to hear more, which, while still callous, would’ve sucked less.

*they told me they didn’t and got offended that i even asked, overly defensive, and in the back of my mind I thought about how I was told by another party that they were specifically the one that shared stuff from a private server. though i held my tongue cus that would’ve gotten more people involved...)

(It also sucks that I literally got into HStwt, the time of bad times, the month following when my ex-best friend ghosted me and left me severely depressed in the winter of 2018, but I digress. I’ll save that for another ramble)

I think my recent head stuffiness has more so contributed to the fact that after years of connecting myself to the HS fandom, 6, and overall to fandom throughout my life, I’ve finally found the confidence and skills to want to make something original. Not only that, but to do some other things, such as having time practice in other art medias, overall doing art studies with a pencil, etc. Even doing things outside of my creative outputs, like exercising, or watching an anime or playing a game I wasn’t able to get into two years ago because I was worried about a zine schedule when I wasn’t working or at minimum doing doodles on the side.

Work still doesn’t help. This year I clocked in at 100 hours in two weeks once. It was dreadful.

I also got deep into a new fandom which...hasn’t actually happened SINCE Homestuck. But funny timing, lol.

I guess where I can say that I am now is...hm.

I’m still trying to figure things out. I have projects to finish, and I still have HS ones I wanna do...but I potentially need to diminish the list so I’m not long terming this stuff. I have some big ones I wanna do, and at least one more SAHCon year, two if I feel like having a 5 year con. 

I also wanna try to work or either very small teams, or just not work with anyone for project stuff. I love working in collabs and the mutual benefits, but it can be stressful on relying for certain things, and, I’ve been accused of using people  for clout or so one too many times for my liking.

I have to look at these original ideas I wanna try, some of which like I said requires me to practice certain things that project fatigue won’t allow.

And then, two glaring things to keep in mind:

I’d like to go to college at some point, community, potentially next fall? It gives me time to get some of these hefty things out of the way before I start struggling with math, lol.

Secondly, I really wanna quit my job. I’ve only been dealing with it for 3+ years because it’s not minimum wage nor is it food services -- I can work on my projects on the go. I’m making this journal during my Sunday shift right now!

But it’s gotten suckier with new management, and I’ve never worked with benefits. I think my goal is to just work as long(er) as I can to earn a certain amount of money, and then some time before going to school in fall, I’d take some months of a break. Not only to work creatively in piece with no extra stress, but to get some of these projects done before I scoot my boot.

Honestly, the idea of having a free Saturday again and doing art next to a window sill while listening to youtube commentary seduces me. And if I were to chop down my work load, I’d feel even happier.

Anyways, I guess this was just another vent. I haven’t been able to get any creative work done today bc these thoughts were spinning around in my brain, but I had to write them down so I could also organize what I should do first. 

Apologies to that one anon long ago that got sad that Im not longer silly or whatever <:””(((((( 

#crojournal #buzzcull #tw suicide mention

[alo-piss-trancy]

Are there any sdr2 characters that you don’t like or just aren’t very interested in?

BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR SDR2 BELOW! DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED THE GAME!

It's actually neat getting this question because I can see where some characters I used to dislike/find annoying in the beginning have worked their way up. For example, I initially despised Te/ruTeru, but after his backstory reveal I ended up feeling some sympathy for him and realized despite some traits, he wasn't entirely a bad guy (and I'm assuming his social link will endear him to me a little once I get around to it in island mode).

In fact, I can only really think of two I actively dislike/hate now: Nag/ito and Hiy/oko.

Real quick: Obviously these are all solely my opinions! I have no problem with my followers viewing characters differently, so even if you're the biggest fan of these chars I hope y'all know you're always welcome on my blog! 💛 Feel free to ramble in my inbox about them or chatter about omo, I genuinely enjoy discussing things or seeing different hcs even if I don't share them and I love seeing people be passionate about whatever makes them happy! Heck, sometimes fan ideas even end up changing my mind or at least make fun aus!

Now back to the question:

Hiy/oko's behavior in many instances was just appalling, and the way she cared about Mah/iru, while sad/sweet, still couldn't make up for all of her other bullshit. I can't stand little snots and I don't like 'loli' characters, so she's basically a 2-for-1 special on tropes I find irritating. Also high pitched voices are grating on my ears. After finishing the game I still stand by my original sentiment: Good Riddance Bitch. She will not be missed. As a note, I haven't done her FTEs yet so maybe it'll change, but I think it's pretty unlikely.

Na/gito is just. Idk where to start with him tbh. He definitely serves his role in the plot well, has great interactions with the rest of the cast, and really made me feel like I was struggling and he was so smugly one step ahead. I appreciate him as part of the story and it wouldn't be the same without him (Some of the memes about him are also really funny lmao). That being said, as far as his character and my personal tastes go, I fucking hate him lmao. Not 'villain I love to hate'. I just can't stand him and am lowkey annoyed at how popular/'woobified' he is in some parts of the fandom. My feelings on him are pretty similar to Ak/echi from p/5, except at least Ake/chi was understandable, whereas every time Nag/ito goes on a long spiel I'm just braindead and confused lmao. That or annoyed because he repeats himself like 30 times. I really thought doing his FTE's would endear him to me a little but it actually just made me dislike him more. He's just... he goes 120% ALL THE TIME and he's all over the place, it was overwhelming and gave me whiplash. Also while I do feel bad for him and the clear issues he had, the CONSTANT 'I'm worthless trash please kill me haha I don't deserve your kindness' talk really got on my nerves. Maybe it wouldn't have bothered me so much if I played the game back in the year it came out? But in this day and age all it reminded me of was certain 'Crabs in a Bucket' people I've known or witnessed who formed their entire identity around self-hatred and desperately tried to drag others down with them. (Note: I'm not talking about the general struggles with depression, etc. here. But I don't want to go into a lecture on exactly what I mean so I'll just leave it at that.) Nag/ito's not entirely the same thing and I get that, but it just rubbed me the wrong way because of that association.

Overall I just find him obnoxious and tend to avoid stuff that focuses on him. I might try writing a short omo thing about him being tied up because, like, how could I not? But besides that don't expect much from me. All of that said, I don't mind other people talking about him and y'all are free to send me asks with your own opinions or hcs, I might give my own occasionally. And I do like seeing art sometimes.

Also though, I ship him hard with Ju/nko (and in a poly with her and Mik/an). I'm also interested in him x Chi/aki since they're yin/yang parallels and have some similarities in design and the art of them together is neat. Not sure how much I ship them as far as actual canon or writing goes, but aesthetically it's pretty neat.

I think it's also worth mentioning that Ka/zuichi So/da toes a real weird line for me. Not in the sense that I actually hate him (his design is neat and he can be likeable at times), but that I hate what the game did with him. Which was not doing ANYTHING with him. His character had a lot of potential to be interesting, but they never let him break past the two running gags: Being confused about EVERYTHING, and obsessing over So/nia (to the point about making multiple sex jokes/getting flustered over her during the middle of the most serious trial in the game (Na/gito's death), which makes no sense even for him and completely ruined the mood). Every other survivor had important spotlight moments in the plot, developed their character as they went, and formed meaningful relationships with at least one other character to drive them forwards/give them angst. Kaz/uichi had none of that and I can't think of a single instance where he ACTUALLY had bearing on the plot, positively or negatively. He's basically the Fortune Teller Guy of this game: completely useless and ignored unless he needs to question something for exposition or drag the protag somewhere, scraping by only because he isn't hated or liked enough by anyone to get murdered and is too scared to kill. He didn't survive because he was genuinely fighting/had the ability to, but because everyone just forgot about him and left him alone.

A lot of his issues could have been fixed by just having a point in the game where he learns to treat So/nia as a person instead of being so obnoxious about following her around (he dislikes Ter/uTeru but then pretty much is just as annoying, only difference is he's a little less immoral and more just unable to take hints). Haj/ime even pointed this out in the last chapter with his thoughts of 'Dude just take a hint already'. If the game put them on more equal footing and he like, actually got to know her, it would've been way easier to believe he was fighting FOR So/nia in the same way all the others were fighting for someone they loved, and he might have actually done more throughout the game. He might have had some actual development and maturity, but instead he's pretty much the exact same person he was at the start of the game (I don't remember them even really touching on how he felt about the final chapter's Big Reveal). Because his obsession and cluelessness was one of his defining traits, they never let him do anything besides that. I spent most of the game convinced he was going to get a case in a trial or big moment eventually since they kept giving him so much screentime and let him make it so far, but there was just nothing. He's just a giant mass of wasted potential and for that reason I struggle to enjoy him without getting irritated.

Quick note to clarify: I'm not hating on him because of the ship with So/nia or because he 'gets in the way' of Gun/dham. I honestly don't mind that, the problem is just the lack of development I mentioned above. I could def enjoy the ship or a love triangle if they gave him smth. (And I realize part of that was the point, that G/undham 'gets the girl' bc he actually respected and talked to her, but still. The chapters after that point would have been the perfect time to let So/da have some viewpoint shifts and make efforts to change but they didn't).

Actually tbh even if they wanted to keep his obsession, I would've been fine with that, IF they had given him some other plot/character besides that. Like if he had some important tasks to do and was pretty good at them, but they also turned it into a flaw where he would prioritize helping/following her sometimes over what he was supposed to do and caused problems as a result, that could have been interesting. Creating tension within the surviving group or having her get mad at him over it, just SOMETHING.

#bear gets a letter #drspoilers #not omo

[alanajacksontx]

Duplicate content FAQ: What is it, and how should you deal with it?

There are a few questions that have been confusing the SEO industry for many years. No matter how many times Google representatives try to clear the confusion, some myths persist.

One such question is the widely discussed issue of duplicate content. What is it, are you being penalized for it, and how can you avoid it?

Let’s try to clear up some of the confusion by answering some frequently-asked (or frequently-wondered) questions about duplicate content.

How can you diagnose a duplicate content penalty?

It’s funny how some of the readers of this article are rolling their eyes right now reading the first subheading. But let’s deal with this myth first thing.

There is no duplicate content penalty. None of Google’s representatives has ever confirmed the existence of such a penalty; there were no algorithmic updates called “duplicate content”; and there can never be such a penalty because in the overwhelming number of cases, duplicate content is a natural thing with no evil intent behind that. We know that, and Google knows that.

Still, lots of SEO experts keep “diagnosing” a duplicate content “penalty” when they analyze every other website.

Duplicate content is often mentioned in conjunction with updates like Panda and Fred, but it is used to identify bigger issues, i.e. thin or spammy (“spun”, auto-generated, etc.) and stolen (scraped) content.

Unless you have the latter issue, a few instances of duplicate content throughout your site cannot cause an isolated penalty.

Google keeps urging website owners to focus on high-quality expert content, which is your safest bet when it comes to avoiding having your pages flagged as a result of thin content.

You do want to handle your article republishing strategy carefully, because you don’t want to confuse Google when it comes to finding the actual source of the content. You don’t want to have your site pages filtered when you republish your article on an authoritative blog. But if it does happen, chances are, it will not reflect on how Google treats your overall site.

In short, duplicate content is a filter, not a penalty, meaning that Google has to choose one of the URLs with non-original content and filter out the rest.

So should I just stop worrying about internal duplicate content then?

In short, no. It’s like you don’t want to ignore a recurring headache: it’s not that a headache is a disease on its own, but it may be a symptom of a more serious condition, so you want to clear those out or treat them if there are any.

Duplicate content may signal some structural issues within your site, preventing Google from understanding what they should rank and what matters most on your site. And generally, while Google is getting much better at understanding how to handle different instances of the same content within your site, you still don’t want to ever confuse Google.

Internal duplicate content may signal a lack of original content on your site too, which is another problem you’ll need to deal with.

Google wants original content in their SERPs for obvious reasons: They don’t want their users to land on the same content over and over again. That’s a bad user experience. So Google will have to figure out which non-unique pages they want to show to their users and which ones to hide.

That’s where a problem can occur: The more pages on your site have original content, the more Google positions they may be able to appear at throughout different search queries.

If you want to know whether your site has any internal duplicate content issues, try using tools like SE Ranking, which crawls your website and analyzes whether there are any URLs with duplicate content Google may be confused about:

How does Google choose which non-original URLs to rank and which to filter out?

You’d think Google would want to choose the more authoritative post (based on various signals including backlinks), and they probably do.

But what they also do is choose the shorter URL when they find two more pages with identical URLs:

How about international websites? Can translated content pose a duplicate content issue?

This question was addressed by Matt Cutts back in 2011. In short, translated content doesn’t pose any duplicate content issues even if it’s translated very closely to the original.

There’s one word of warning though: Don’t publish automated translation using tools like Google Translate because Google is very good at identifying those. If you do so, you run into risk of having your content labeled as spammy.

Use real translators whom you can find using platforms like Fiverr, Upwork and Preply. You can find high-quality translators and native speakers there on a low budget.

Look for native speakers in your target language who can also understand your base language

You are also advised to use the hreflang attribute to point Google to the actual language you are using on a regional version of your website.

How about different versions of the website across different localized domains?

This can be tricky, because it’s not easy to come up with completely different content when putting up two different websites with the same products for the US and the UK, for example. But you still don’t want Google to choose.

Two workarounds:

Focus on local traditions, jargon, history, etc. whenever possible

Choose the country you want to focus on from within Search Console for all localized domains except .com.

There’s another old video from Matt Cutts which explains this issue and the solution:

Are there any other duplicate-content-related questions you’d like to be covered? Please comment below!

from IM Tips And Tricks https://searchenginewatch.com/2017/10/18/duplicate-content-faq-what-is-it-and-how-should-you-deal-with-it-2/ from Rising Phoenix SEO https://risingphxseo.tumblr.com/post/166542515180

[quietengineersurvivor]

11.4.17

I havent been feeling myself for the last few days. So I am back here and writing. I don’t know exactly when it started, I have been a bit harder on myself of late, but I thought that was helping and giving me direction, and the feeling of accomplishment of goal completeing/pursuing. But that is more and overall scope. My current goals are to save my money so I can look to purchase somewhere so I can stop paying rent. I can’t go back and live with my parents, that I know. But I’ve agreed to go back there on weekends, what is that about. I know i need to show gratitude, they are letting me stay there, but do i want to? I did start looking for jobs in that area even, I’m not sure, I think i would prefer to be on my own all the same.

My grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, just before my mothers birthday, and that was a sad ocassion, but I thought I had got through that. I am gratefeul for how Gab rescued me from it at one stage. 

I thought i ad got through that OK, i had reminded myself I wasnt to see him again, and thats what death is, an inability to someone ever again no matter how much you may want to. Similar is choosing not to see someone ever again, which also is a thing. 

So that was all through, and i was working on saving my money, I think at that time I may have been a bit busier, I was doing guitar straight away after work, and that was giving me some release, and i was getting head space at work which was nice, of late i have been rushing a bit, and it can be difficult coming down from that doing doing doing. So i would play guitar for a bit and that was good, becaus ei have decided i would like to play guitar, and thats one of my goals. Nothing but that. And I am branching into blue which suits me fine, as many of my favoiurite artists hang out in that genre, and i can still spill back out into rock if that is what i choose. 

Ok so saving money, and guitar. And I;ve also been training my running so i can look to compete in a half marathon. I was going to go away to the hunter valley with a guy from work, but there is little talk in that front, and i am hesitant to bring it up, so i wont. But i am still training for it. Well I was, but then i got injured at soccer around 9 days ago and have injured my groin, which i am working at repairing, but it means no training in running, which i was taking to quite well. I’m not sure where i will compete for the half marathon, but i will keep training for it, well at least get a 5km base 2-3 times a week. But it would be good to get it done this year. I would say Hunter Valley is unlikely to happen, but there is one in the city coming up, which i can lookin into, well i have looked into it, but i still havent decided if i will enter. That is something i need to decide upon. Which apparently i have designated for the end of this week. 

Other than that I cam training my brain for some reason using a nintendo ds game, i have noticed when i feel good i perform pretty well in this game, so this would be a good way to test my mental health. I feel foggy by the way. And lethargic and unmotivated, and i am worried i will lose my mind and memory, i feel like a husk. and i still feel, but all i want to do is be alone, which is a dangerous thing. 

On Thursday night past, I went to get my glasses, and i was getting eyes from one of the girls, but wouldnt do anything to secure her advances. 

At that time, my only thought was to get my glasses, obviously i didnt want to go, but i might as weel go because there is a time. I guess i have been doing that at work the last few days, and it has started to take a toll. Anyway there was this girl giving me eyes and i was aware of here, she was making it easy for me, but i wouldnt talk to here, i didnt know what to say, and i didnt want everyone to see me talking to her, so i proceeded to blank her, finding oblivious ignoring the easier thing for me to do. But still at this stage i was still mentally working, i was still there, and now i feel like im not. At this very moment i feel okay, but over the course of the last few days i have not. 

SO that was Thursday, Friday was a little different I worked, and I was usng this computer program to generate diagrams, i am still learning it, as it is a good skill to have. So i worked hard on Thursday so i would be able to work on this program. And there i am told by Dave that Mitch has asked hm not to let me use the program. So that’s not very good thing to hear, when i am desparate to get better at this program, so i can become better and more confident with designing, so i can look for a future possible in designing. This is my current aim for at work beyond doing enough not to get fired, and do a good job. I also have the aim to relarn a bit of the chemical engineering things in Perrys when i find time. My current plan is to only use that program once a week for a few hours. and then otherwise when i finish my work to get into that book. I just seem to be fucking around on a whole bunch of half arsed stuff that i can’t really get my teeth stuck into, or a whole plan to get done. Im more working at the rate things spill onto me, from other people, and i have been finding it a bit overwhelming. Nothing is being communicated to me about changes. I’m just working on my feet, and doing a bit of other peoples work. Now that was today, yesterday i can barely remember, i was very tired is all i know in the morning, and i slowly got to work, but i remember feeling a little off, and having many teas. I was like its a Monday, and i normally feel a little off Mondays. Again it was a bit of a weird one, but when i spoke with Ryan yesterday I think i was still a little on, as i tried to help him find this contract for this flow meter i am looking to get supplied. And i spoke with Scott while we had to check on the glue that wasn’t filling quickly enough, but i think theres a permanent fix on that now, but all that was holding me up. I managed to get some physicals cut, so i will have time hopefully Thursday to do some work on Solidworks. I guess that means it was only today when i felt a lot off. 

So last night i got in and had to ice my thighs, and i read a bit through this time, then i ate some dinner, and started to complete my guitar practice and lesson. And it all went pretty well. I did comple coitus inturptus. and at the end of which i was still annoyed at myself for not completing re-evaluating life goals, which i wanted to look at, after being challenged first by myself for skipping out of plans that didnt line up with my current goals, but also challenged by my sister, who made me feel the way in which i avoid social interactions is bad, while i do it becasuse i value my own time more. I dont know, so i havent reevaluated. So post coitus interputus i thought about it, and came up with make up early and no coitus inteutus for a month, which was a long standing one from when i got back from NZ. i have already failed on the second one, as i dont know why i have it, and i understad i have it to increase desire, but withough a resource to relocate that energy i though it not the best option in my current mind, which is at a somewaht battle over it, not its first battle but a battle all the same. 

So last nigh i listened to Stevy Ray Vaughan play his guitar, and he is quite talented on the old guitar, different from B.B. King though, whose guitaring i could follow, which left me feel a bit overwheled and underwheling as a player. But its somewhere to aim for. And im unsure if i want to learn blues, as it isn’t my favouite variant of music, but as i said before i can use it as a stepping stone for rock. And i am getting better. 

So i woke up early this monring, and felt a little foggy, got to work a bit early because i was hungry, and thats where food is located, got to eating, and got to meeting, and it all went quite well. But it was around this time i started to feel a bit weird, and im still unsure exactly what created it, but maybe i am a bit overwhelmed by everything and i need to take a step back for a little bit, so i can get back to normal. Because i have also been slowly neglecting texting my friends, putting it off until all my stuff is done, which i cant get all done and yeah. 

Now after all this i still feel a little overwhelemed. and a bit off. and i still am unsure what to do. Other than wait, and hope to feel better. Without recognizig the true cause, but i suspect it is overwhelming. 

Until later, 

Which i think will be soon

Upon rereading this, i fiure i am being anxious and putting too much pressure on myself to be someone i am not, yes i can work well, but i need to do it my own way, and then when i notice i am not feeling flash i scracth at the wound and make it all worse. Its when i stare at my thiughts trying to see fi they are normal, where i need to step back and just let me be. Its this odd balance of goals and not scrutinizing myself. 

Okay anxious reducing time.