#or Desirable like that. i find that even though i am desirable after transition people still interact with me in certain ways | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

barbedwirechain · 8 months

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hi!!! I've been questioning some uncertainty in my identity and you were the first person on t I saw when I looked into the "butch fag" tag, I'm really curious about what it means to be butch and on testosterone, or being butch and navigating the world passing almost as a cis man? for lack of better terminology, sorry if it's not right.

I've been out as trans since I was a kid (almost 22 now.) and I've always went back and forth on my identity bc I don't relate with other trans men or cis men in general but I knew transitioning was what's right for me. detransition doesn't feel correct at all, I'm so happy being on testosterone. im uncertain in my sexuality but have always found comfort with lesbians and butches, and I've always felt the explanation of butch dysphoria sounded more clear to me than wanting to wake up with the body of a cis man. what I mean is I think I'm a butch fag but I don't know what that means, I don't know how or if I'm ready to come out with that. I'm afraid of my future with dating or navigating queer spaces if I claim to be butch or lesbian aligned while still presenting full beard and no desire to change that.

I don't know how to navigate exploring this at all, especially because lesbian spaces online kind of scare me since its so easy to end up following terfs if you don't know what to look for. I don't want to be harassed or make anyone else uncomfortable with my presence. I want to connect with other butches on T. do you know of anything I could do to reach this kind of understanding?

i’ll say if you already see uh butch fag in yourself or find whatever it is in me, in you you’ve already started to reach that understanding. exploring online spaces where you have unprecedented access to people with these more “complicated” identities (more accurately—identities that are generally less referenced than others or not recognized outside of the community for better and for worse) and hanging out in adult oriented city spaces helped extend my understanding of myself as butch.

the longer i understand myself as trans the more i’m comfortable frankensteining my identity (for uh lack of uh better term). i say this to explain why i call myself the most appropriate word for me “dykefag” but butch fag… or faggot butch (on T or not) has uh community precedent. there’s articles and quotes of people saying that term or uh form of it and they’re also transsexual and/or lesbian, although this was something i found only after seeing myself in the phrase.

i understood myself as uh dyke for most of my life and uh lesbian as the most neat version of my sexuality; dyke is something i’ve reclaimed being called that as uh child and call/ed myself that for over ten years now (aside from uh brief period of bisexuality). after being on T though for almost two years i noticed people are less likely to see me as uh dyke so that word begins to feel more personal and intimate for me. but butch?

butch is always exactly right. its not something i reclaimed or have complicated relationship to, i just am.

i am and i mean it with no irony or “meh”-ness; i am butch and i think i’ll die butch.

uh good two years after beginning to call myself butch and right after starting T I leaned into my lifelong attraction to butches, already holding an interest in “‘queer’ masculinities” via research in college. eventually i realized i wanted to be that. i wanted to be masculine ina way that never didnt hold uh layer of unspoken queerness. even in my current “mostly cis-man passing” form (i don’t take it as an insult, i present more masculine than androgynous like i used to for comfort and safety) i’m always butch. most people assume ima cis gay man or uh very hairy bulldyke and at some point i was like… these lines are so easily blurred because of how i decide to embody butchness, on purpose, and (what’s read as) faggotry through my attraction to other butch and queer masc people. i experienced the difference between dyke and fag fade away and began to tag my shit with dyke fag and butch fag to be in the same spaces as other gay trans people who had this line also fade away.

maintaining my attachment to being butch and loving butchness led me to follow “butch4butch” pages and explore butch4butch tags and see myself as a butch4butch gay more and more solidly. and the more i searched for butch4butch, the more i came across trans fags and nonbinary butch lesbians (and both!!). similar to going on tumblr in 2011 and finding out there were people who didn’t believe in the christian god, lex and tumblr specifically led me to uh set of trans people who embodied this faggot butchness, whether dyke (lesbian) or faggot (gay boy) identifying— not to mention all the gay boy dykes and the fagboy trannies. i found/find myself relating to their appreciation of masculinity and consideration of transness and gender noncomformity more than any other space, including ones that are for lesbians which, in my honest opinion, always end up catering to terf-bubbles or narcissist echo chambers that define themselves through gender essentialist ideas about masculinity/men of which i no longer see any viability in.

inside, exploring tags online or apps for Gay people who do Gay shit and have Sexy and Fucked up understandings of gender can help you understand yourself further by identifying and also dis-identifying with others without having to “conflict”. outside?… i rarely explain what i am. and for better or worse, i don’t try to. i let people think i’m whatever they think unless someone directly asks or when cis men try to approach me and to conceal my agab and also deny them i kinda just straight up lie and play cishet man. i recognize we exist under 20 million ___ or ___ binaries, both imaginary and tangible, new and old, outside and inside—shit even nonbinary and binary began to feel like another binary to me recently and the only thing that alleviates that is 1) going through butch(4butch) tags and seeing cis, trans, and who knows butches loving each other in coexisting without pretending they’re at war and 2) being in community with other dykesfags, or fagdykes, and butch faggots irl. and like, lesbians in person are also jus way more awesome. *whispers* like most people. i understand this is, unfortunately, only as easy as your access, space, transportation, and work and personal life allows. most of my adult queer experience is in non-sober spaces ina city that i lived around or in and that can't be disregarded or forgotten.

to wrap this up, i didnt look for em (us haha) til i felt i was one of them but We’re Everywhere. not uh majority but uh presence, and that’s enough. and if i’m being honest even if i never found any of these people, i felt so intensely about being uh butch faggot and uh dykefag i saw myself simply going with it—but going with it with the knowledge that it’s near impossible to make anything up at this point. someone has almost surely shared the idea or identity regardless of if they publicized it or let it be archived. and even as much of this response IS about that, i can’t overemphasize that even if it’s something you did made up, all alone, 200% you, the feeling is true, yea? the beauty of frankensteining your [trans] identity is seeing that you can kinda be whatever the shit you feel as long as it’s truly comfortable and honest to the time with reasonable respect to yourself and your community.

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smilepaint · 10 months

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ok like. genuinely though??? potentially controversial take, but after having lived amongst men in the wild and been accepted as one of them (im nonbinary but pass as male), i am honestly really certain that we've completely lost the actual meaning of "mansplaining" (ie the unfortunate situation in which a generally unqualified man explains something to any woman, unprompted, like she's an idiot or a child) and have warped it slowly to describe any man explaining anything in depth or at length to anyone if there's a chance they might not be particularly interested in it. and to be honest? ive seen a LOT more autistic or adhd guys getting really anxious or down on themselves or hyper vigilant about just talking about an interest or getting excited about a topic in front of people and that makes me sad actually.

it's valid and necessary to call out the real phenomenon of the Original coined term describing men being paternalistic assholes to women they automatically perceive as less competent, but that's Not how you handle someone who simply has something to share. as a neurodivergant transmasc person, i can say that while my flood-like impromptu thesuses about my special interests were seen as quirky or mildly annoying (when they weren't welcome) pre transition, i've been surprised and saddened over the past 5 years or so to find that these same bursts of excitement have been occasionally called "mansplaining", which implies ill intent or malicious thoughtlessness.

neurodiverse individuals who talk a lot and have a lot of specialised information they will happily tell you about at length are not coming from a place of condescension, but a really warm, genuine place of passion and love and a desire to share with others. even before transitioning, i developed a habit of repeatedly checking that my "audience" is still with me, but if you encounter a guy who launches into an infodump you maybe aren't in the mood for, throw him that first lifeline of a gentle disengage before assuming he's a thoughtless mansplainer. for neurodiverse people, it can really make all the difference in self image and self esteem.

(this obviously is case by case but tldr mansplaining is super real however not every Man Explaining something is a Mansplainer, sometimes he is simply autistic and would Really love to tell you all about gecko taxonomy if u have the time)

#thoughts #please don't take me out of context for this xoxoxo #im very used to the olden days tumblr where it was super cool to just fully demonise every man ever #so im very cautious about takes like this gfvdcjhf #as a sidebar my god did that environment delay me figuring out my gender and sexuality by a good 8 years lmao

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veronika-tserber · 1 year

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🔥 PLUTO Appreciation Post

Disclaimer: We are exploring potentials and pure archetypes here. Please, don't take things too literally. I am not a fan of generalizations, either.

I believe that all planets are facets of the experience we call "Love". Venus relates to the most easily comprehensible and widely accepted type - the love that is beautiful, harmonious, and pleasing. It's romantic and sensual, which is what most of us long to experience in a relationship with another.

Venus, the charming Aphrodite - she is a bit of a coquette, isn't she? The moment you burp in front of her, she’s already begun packing her bags. You dirty Schwein! 🐷

All silly jokes aside, I definitely don't mean that Venusian people don't love deeply - they absolutely can.

But if you think about it, what is their Love based upon? They have a strong desire for balance, equality, and beauty which they long to achieve and maintain within their relationships. In situations of conflict, when shadows begin to rear their heads in, Venusians tend to look away.

It's as if Venus is saying: "I will love you and be loyal to you as long as you don't bring me into this sh#t!"

But sometimes, there is sh#t. And a lot of it. There is only one planet that is not just aware of this fact, but also quite interested in digging into it, and that's Mr. Pluto, the subject of today's post.

He is the one and only, FULL-TIME BOSS (He'll sleep when he's dead!) of the Underworld who spends the majority of his time hidden away from the light of day, surrounded by both the pure and the rotten souls of the deceased! He loves to listen to the screeching sounds of screams for redemption. He also likes Baroque.

I've read that when the other Olympians invite him to their celebrations, he doesn't even like to attend. I mean, what's better than sipping blood-colored wine and petting your three-headed Cerberus, right? Right?!

I am having too much fun with this. But it's safe to say that Pluto is more than familiar with the darker, uglier aspects of humanity - he's seen it all!

He is THE Alchemist who knows that Darkness is nothing more than the Absence of Light. This isn't to say that Plutonian people are unconditionally loving, either. On the contrary, in a lower vibration, they can be so guarded & paranoid, you would think their hearts are made of stone.

There lies the potential, though. I touched upon this "contradiction" in my Sun/Pluto post the other day. However, unconditional Love is such a lofty goal, it can take a lifetime (or a few) of shadow work & healing to reach it.

Astronomically, Pluto is a teeny-tiny dwarf planet. Yet, it carries so much power that people who know a bit of Astrology generally fear him. This isn't entirely superfluous. You will find Pluto's twisted manifestation among some of the most power-hungry, controlling, and ruthless people. The fact that World War II took place only 9 years after Pluto was discovered, isn't a coincidence, either.

But he is as scary as we are stubborn and resistant to change. When we ALIGN with Pluto's intention to purify and raise our consciousness, things become way easier. Pluto transits, as well as your natal Pluto aspects, can show you exactly what is going to be put to the test and when. Astrology does a great job of giving you the advantage of preparing for that test. Yay, Astrology!

I believe that Pluto is God’s way of showing us tough love, and tough love is highly misunderstood. No one likes pain (kind of) and suffering. But what we need to understand is that the pain doesn't come from Pluto, per se. The pain comes from the straightening of our twisted perception of reality. It's like having your hand at a twisted angle, and someone grabs it, and snaps it back into place! Ouch! Is that even possible?! But you get my point - it hurts like HELL. *no pun intended*

At its most extreme, Pluto is God's RAGE, the powerful destructive force that shows us how far we've strayed off our authentic path and true selves.

My belief is that, as we continue to mature individually and collectively, our perception of Love will expand, and we'll be more able to tap into Pluto's loving vibration more frequently.

I mean, look at it! Have you noticed that the planet literally has a HEART on its surface? How fascinating!

- Foxbörn

ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ 1

ᴄʜᴀʀᴛ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢꜱ

ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴜʏ ᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴄᴏꜰꜰᴇᴇ?

#astrology #astroworld #astro notes #zodiac #astro community #pluto astrology #birth chart #natal chart #horoscope #pluto aspects #ai artist #planets #astro bites #ai artwork #midjourney

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francis-writes · 11 days

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Modern!Ramsay Bolton x transmasc!reader

Because I have a lot of feelings about him and my transition, especially that I spend a lot of time recently in forcemasc community and literally every second post uses a dog metaphor, and uhhh... comparing helping a man in transition to training a dog makes me think about Ramsay even more.

okay, so i write this post for modern!Ramsay because there are more possibilities for trans people today and there is more knowledge about them but to be honest? I think Ramsay would be accepting and supportive of trans partner, no matter the century. He is rather an open-minded person, and he certainly doesn't care about society opinion. He just looks for a good time so if he enjoys being with you, being trans won't change anything. He may even be more interested in you or admire you for going against bigots and world's expectations.

I think it's clear but he's gonna deal with any transphobes that bother you. In modern times, his actions have more consequences, so he won't torture them but it's likely that he will beat them (maybe stab a bit), especially if you're out at night or at more secluded place. Or, you know, you can always find them later.

also, he doesn't just passively observe your transition (and also he isn't one of these guys who "support you" but only when you still look feminine or when you are pre-t. fuck them. Ramsay isn't afraid to date a man. I will tell more, he is excited, if he could, he would sew a dick onto you himself. Okay, maybe I went too far but you get the point), he actively helps you in it. He shaves your head, takes you to the gym and even if he doesn't work out with you, he loves to watch as you excercise, admire as you lift weights, breathing heavily and covered in sweat (also it turns him on). He licks off your sweat and desires your hairy ass.

if you have problems with money, he will eagerly support you financially, though the level of the support depends on his own situation. If we assume the version where he gets money from his father - who is a bussinessman or a politician - there is really no limits. If he doesn't get family money, he still wants to support you (binder, packer, doctor, hormones - it all costs too fucking much) so he will try to get more money, though rather in not very legal nor moral way.

if you're on t, he's eager to do your injections, and this time you can trust him with a needle. He isn't especially well-educated, but he has some knowledge about human anatomy (from where? that's a good question) and has no problem with finding the right spot and inserting the needle the first time.

also, when you finally get facial hair, he will buy you a razor set and teach you how to shave, holding your hand as you gently drags the blade over your skin. having him controlling the sharp blade and pressing it to your throat is both stressing and exciting. but you trust him.

i know it's not a case for everyone but i know that many trans people feel the pressure to turn into a skinny twink; anyway, as somebody wrote, hrt weight gain is an angel and Ramsay makes sure that you eat enough. and that you don't worry about gaining weight after testosterone cravings. He wants you to be strong, healthy and happy. Also book Ramsay is chubby as well and tbh it kinda made me feel better about my body bc he reminds me what kind of wild lust i feel whenever i see a soft tummy

i'll continue this one day, i just wanna do every forcemasc post with him, i am sorry but i can't focus on coherent thoughts. Testosterone and Ramsay make me so excited i can pass out

#ramsay snow #ramsay bolton #ramsay snow x reader #ramsay bolton x reader #ramsay bolton x male reader #got imagines #ramsay bolton x ftm reader #ramsay bolton x transmasc reader

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thatguywhomightbeagirl · 6 months

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Is being trans a coping mechanism

I am very mentally ill. I have experienced some terrible things that I am entirely unable to say or write. Apparently those who experience those sorts of things are more likely to be trans but I’m not sure if it happens before or after one discovers themselves (I have no idea what to call it).

As a result sometimes I feel like my desire to be a girl is a coping mechanism. That I don’t actually want to become a girl but that I want to have been a girl from the start, that I want to be anyone that isn’t me. Like my wish of being a girl is a symptom of mental illness even though that’s not the case for anyone else.

I’ve been told my whole life that I’m crazy and wrong for wishing I was a girl and maybe I’m starting to think that way too now that it feels like I can be a girl. I should probably find a professional to talk to about this but I’m already seeing someone for the main unspeakable thing.

I don’t know if I need someone to tell me that it’s not a mental illness thing, it’s just me and not my incredibly damaged brain but I feel like everyone I know would have the opposite opinion and it scares me. If it is all because of illness what does that mean for my other big life decisions, what does it mean for other trans people? Do I go on thinking I’m unique in that aspect or do I become extremely sceptical and transphobic? I feel like my illness has affected my past and infected my present, and now it worries me that it shakes my identity more than it already has. That it could mean I transition and then discover that wasn’t me and have to reverse or I wait to transition and regret not starting sooner.

My brain is so incredibly ill that I’m not sure what is me and what’s a symptom.

#lgbtqia #lgbtq community #lgbtq #trans #transgender #egg #ask #advice #queer #mental health #mental illness #am i trans?

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pb-dot · 10 months

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I'm equally interested in After City and The Expedition, so you're free to choose which one you want to talk about~

It is hard to choose between my children, but The Expedition is in a kind of tricky limbo situation, and there are some unresolved questions tied to who's working on it with me and whatnot that I'd rather not get into. So After City it is.

After City is a take on the Adventure In A Magical Land subgenre of fantasy story where a child crosses from the mundane world into a magical one to complete some sort of quest before returning, changed in some small or large way by what they experience. Your Labyrinths, your Narnias, your Warriors Of Virtue, that kind of thing. This isn't a story about childlike wonder and fun adventures though, this is the story of what it's like growing up after something like this.

We follow five people in their thirties who all had a magical adventure of some sort in their childhoods. While some of them handle it better than others, they all share a melancholic longing for the realms and friends now lost to them. One night, the impossible happens as the magical transitions that took them into their childhood adventures happen to them again, but the world they find themselves transported to is different than the one they expected.

Turns out the magical realms they visited as children are all real, or rather were all real before a massive sentient-seeming calamity destroyed them all, shattering entire realms with terrifying ease. Those few who survived the calamity flocked together in the void left behind and built the city of After from whatever parts of their old homes they could salvage. Our heroes find themselves pressganged by the council of leaders and sages that summoned them in the first place. The council has made a desperate gambit to unite the disparate people of After in the face of both despair and the very real threat of starvation and further societal collapse.

The main characters realize that time flows differently in the magical lands, and while twenty years have passed on Earth, it has been centuries, or even a millennium in the Realms, and the stories about their exploits have grown into legends far too grand to ever live up to. Even so, our reluctant protagonist supergroup has to try, as their fate now is inextricably linked with the fate of After, and the impossible disaster whose return would doom them all.

I haven't gotten far enough into developing this WIP to decide on the exact plot past the initial state of things as described here, but the plan is to make this a bit of a commentary on the whole "child on a magical adventure" trope. Our protagonists are torn between their desire to be legendary heroes and the acute awareness of their own shortcomings and traumas they have developed as adults. This is further exacerbated by the idealistic good-and-evil worlds of the Realms being reduced to the more cynical, desperate world of postapocalyptic survival in After. I hope to produce a work that delves into darkness and despair, but that is not cowed or subsumed by it and ultimately carries the torch of childhood wonder and hope to the end.

Of the many things I haven't quite decided on for After is the format, and I am considering going with some sort of alternative distribution method, perhaps even publishing it as a web novel of some sort, but I have to decide how it all shakes out before I get that far.

#writeblr #writing #wip

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thejourneytolovefrancisrose · 1 year

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Top Surgery Reversal? 👍 or 👎

CW: dysphoria - top surgery - TOP SURGERY REVERSAL I know I haven’t posted here in FOREVER but I wanted to get some thoughts out somewhere so here I am. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but top surgery actually made me realize the depths of how shitty dysphoria can feel. Before surgery, my chest was a source of much discomfort in ways I still don’t really understand. I know I didn’t like attention being brought to it. I definitely did not like wearing bras that weren’t sports bras because of the way they kept my breasts separated and enabled movement (bouncing/jiggling/etc). Sports bras felt secure, offered tightness, and reduced sensations that occurred if I didn’t wear a bra at all. I occasionally experimented with going braless because I liked the freedom of it and feeling, but also like... huh... yeah... so something I’ve suspected since getting my autism diagnosis is that maybe a big factor in my previous discomfort, when I had breasts, was that it was a source of overstimulation while a sports bra would take that away as well as providing tightness which yay lol (my autism testing doctor said that’s a thing that people with adhd and autism often like). So, maybe that was a big reason I felt the way I did, but... I don’t think it’s the only reason. I also felt strongly that the presence of breasts was a big reason I was misgendered or rather... assumed by strangers to be female so often. That association certainly affected how I felt about it I’m sure, particularly when I was experimenting with bralessness after having transitioned (socially and with HRT). Resentment, bitterness, and frustration on top of the overstimulation and... hmmm.... I wonder if how I never wanted my boobs to stand out was always some kind of subconscious feeling of wanting to appear masc or not? That sort of... social awareness that this is what I need to do to appear more masculine... maybe. Sounds logical enough. Okay but as the time for the surgery was coming up and of course after the surgery... discomfort became DISTRESS. True distress I mean with a clear correlation to drops in mood, downward spiraling, and suicidal thoughts too sometimes. Now... not likely the results of my surgery (nipples being too low on my chest) could very easily be playing a factor, not just that the breasts are gone altogether. I think my upset feelings just before and ever since surgery are very complex. First, of course, there are the straight-up desires to have breasts again though... I can’t ignore how these thoughts very often also correlate to spikes in libido. Sexual desires and having breasts nearly always coincide. While I am almost always the one I imagine having breasts in those fantasies, it’s difficult to trust my desire to want breasts when they too often are attached to this other strong emotion. Why don’t I have these wants separately? It’s confusing and thus hard to trust. The times when I’ve thought/wanted to have breasts again were when paired with another strong emotion: fear. They came when thinking about stuff like being worried I’ll never find someone to be in a relationship with or wanting to use a gym shower or spa where nudity is a thing and binaries are often required. Male shower? I don’t have or want the “right” bottom parts for that. I don’t really worry about using the lockers or bathroom stalls in Men’s restrooms/bathrooms/lockerrooms and always use them for that, but the shower? NOPE. Women’s rooms? ALSO NOPE. The fear of being second-guessed, disrespected, called out, mislabeled, etc that comes from using any women’s room is huge. But to be naked? Well... with my chest post-surgery... I wouldn’t want to do it. Whether anyone would EVER say anything or pointedly stare or not may be very unlikely, but the fear that they might or even just of the thoughts it would have on their mind is... terror. If I had breasts though... I don’t think I’d worry as much... at least not about the gender. Because ultimately, that fear is about wanting to have options-wanting to being masc but also wanting to blend back in with women if I think it’s the safest option. And not just if I happen or am forced into a “dangerous” situation but in wanting to not feel limited in choice because just having top surgery puts me firmly in neither category of a gender binary. I want the ability to do something like a gym shower or spa day if I feel like it! And being a gym rat is something I’d love for myself as well as going to a spa or spa-like place either by myself or with friends. There are “sillier” thoughts as well like what if I’d be such a great or even perfect fit with someone (relationship wise) but not having breasts means it never happens. Just thinking how it would lower the odds of finding someone and YES I have heard from people that it’s makes people way less interested. Like not minding treating me like a boy but no breasts? No, thank you. And while I don’t remember enjoying anyone playing with them, I learn last minute that I enjoyed playing with them myself while masturbating. Of course, I would play with the nipple and even if I did reverse my top surgery that function isn’t gonna come back. So really... what have I been wanting when I SO NEEDED to have my breasts back again? I wanted to be able to pass as a woman sometimes and improve my chances at finding a boyfriend. Sounds stupid as hell but the feelings have been SO INTENSE. And well... I guess it wasn’t just those two reasons right? There’s that urge mixed in with sexual desires and... God I really don’t understand why I want it then! And trust me I’ve thought a lot about it. And so the intense feelings, when I have them, say GET IT REVERSED FOR FUCKS SAKE! I’ve looked into it so many times and but the cost felt so out of reach because medicaid (the type of insurance I have) doesn’t cover a reversal. BUT NEXT YEAR IT WILL. Next year, a law becomes implemented that gender-affirming surgery can’t get rejected, even if it’s a reversal. I’d finally be able to afford it and now... now I need to do what I should have done in 2018/2019 and actually think it fucking through. That’s why I’m here writing this stupid long post. I rushed into it before because transitioning was scary and I knew I wanted to be a boy and at the time I started transitioning top surgery was just a thing everyone did to become a boy (at least as far as my limited understanding was). I knew I never wanted to get bottom surgery but top surgery... I had my discomforts and figured it must mean I didn’t want my chest and should get the surgery. So as soon as I met the requirements to apply for coverage, I did it and I ignored the mounting anxiety and fear that was threatening to drown me alive. I ignored it and literally only went on the day of because it was easier to go through with it than picking up the phone to call and cancel (also flexibility of plans and autism do not mix). I mean I get phone anxiety with calls anyways but I was so afraid about having to explain to anyone or everyone why I had canceled it. WHY?! So many people didn’t even have the option and here I was with the option and canceling the day of?! I couldn’t even explain to myself why I was feeling the way I did. So, I don’t want to rush again and while I understand some of my feelings better, there is a lot I still don’t understand. IF YOU READ ALL THAT AND CAN RELATE AT ALL or want to share some insight (break out that d20) then please you are more than welcome to comment/quote reblog, etc. . . . . . . . ADDITIONAL NOTES I FEEL ARE IMPORTANT TO ADD: - I would still identify as trans and/or non-binary if I got my top surgery reversed though I wouldn’t be surprised if I rethought a few things and/or made some changes label/expression wise but CIS? I don’t think so. - De-transitioning is valid even though I don’t totally/really think it’s accurate for what I’m considering doing. Maybe it is, maybe it’s not. But it’s valid. Experimenting and changing your mind is valid. Realizing you’re not ready and need more time before living out of the closet (etc) is valid af and has historically been a part of many people’s journey. Or maybe you realized you need to stay in the closet partially or totally and if that’s what you need, please give that to yourself. Your life, your choice, there are ways to honor your feelings and find room within yourself while in the closet too! - I feel like I was going to add something else but gosh I cannot remember it now lol - Oh okay also, wanna make sure people know that while autism can make it difficult to understand your own complex emotions it doesn’t mean we can’t do it, have self-determination, etc. I just don’t have anything to compare these feelings with like stories from other people so it makes it hard to go “oh my feelings and thoughts are kind like this person’s and this person’s and this person’s thoughts and they all labelled them this way so maybe this is also a good label for mine”. Also complex feelings and thoughts are complex and thus difficult and would likely be a challenge for anyone who didn’t have a frame of reference to go by. - This post has just been about exploring my feelings and thoughts about whether I want to get the surgery reversed and have breasts again and hasn’t (but maybe should have) touched on all the fears that would come with deciding to actually have the reversal done because FUCK that comes with plenty of fear which I did note as a reason I didn’t cancel my top surgery in the first place.

#transgender #transguy #nonbinary #nonbinary man #he they #transition #topsurgery #top surgery reversal #detransitioning #autism #dysphoria

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a-queer-seminarian · 2 years

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Some words of encouragement for any fellow trans folk who know the pain & frustration of feeling like you’re making progress on your transition / gender journey — only to keep on getting misgendered.

i’ve heard stories like this from so many trans folk over the years, and experienced it myself:

“I was so sure the one thing still getting me clocked by strangers was my chest; but even after getting surgery, they’re still misgendering me.”

“I thought once I’d been on hrt a while, everything would change. A lot has, but i still get misgendered more often than not.”

When you get misgendered again & again & again — by strangers and by people who know you & should know better alike — it might be hard not to start blaming yourself. “What am I doing wrong??” is a question I’ve asked myself a hundred times, even though i try to resist thinking it.

So I just want to say: It’s not a personal failing if you find yourself going down that road of self-blame.

For one thing, the dominant trans narrative that society pushes is transition that involves aaaall the legal changes, aaall the medical changes, a complete wardrobe change, the whole nine yards. It presumes passing as both a desired & achievable goal for every single trans person.

So when we fail to pass, or refuse to pass (or passing isn’t even something on our radar because most people don’t even know our gender exists), the dominant narrative implies it’s our own fault for not transitioning “fully” enough or “well” enough. “If you just worked harder, people would know what to call you” is the callous response I’ve heard real people give.

It’s no wonder dominant society pushes this narrative and wants us to internalize it, when it so conveniently lets them off the hook!

They don’t have to change — only we do, if we want to “earn” their acceptance. The burden completely falls to us, leaving them work-free.

Reason two that it’s not a personal failing when you wonder what you’re “doing wrong”: when humans experience suffering or trauma, we scrabble for any sense of security or control over the situation.

We have way less control over what other people say, think, or do — so if something is their fault, we may well be stuck in the horrible situation.

Meanwhile, if it’s our fault, maybe we can escape our suffering by changing our behavior. Maybe we have a little agency over the situation.

Most of the time, this is false. Ultimately, the person who has to change in order for abuse or bigotry to stop is the one doing the harm, not the one being harmed. But dang, that’s a scary thought! Your brain wants protect you from that sense of helplessness.

So for me, what that looks like when people misgender me is that my brain scrambles to figure out what i can do to “fix” the situation. Can i change my haircut? My way of walking or talking? Cut out my hobbies because they’re “too feminine”?

But the truth is this:

Sometimes there isn’t anything i can do. I’ve changed my presentation, and people still get it wrong — i’ve done all I can without cutting off vital pieces of myself!

Maybe i don’t want to do All The Transition Things — all the medical changes, only masc outfits, etc. — that society claims i have to do if i can possibly expect people to Accept Me as the gender i say i am. And i shouldn’t have to!!

So i’ve been working to change my mental narrative when i get misgendered, from “Ugh, what am I doing wrong??” to “i’m just being myself, and i love who i’ve become. i don’t need to change the way i look; they need to change the way they see.”

from “i guess i still have a long way to go” to “i guess they still have a long way to go.”

i’ve changed and grown so much! And they haven’t changed a dang thing — they haven’t done any work to expand their understandings of gender, to learn how to respectfully refer to a stranger or how to get a loved one’s pronouns right.

If it’s someone i know and trust, there might be some steps i can choose to take to help them in that growth — like reminding them when they mess up, or pointing them to educational resources.

But ultimately, the work is on them, not on me.

i do so much to help others see me for who and what i am — it’s time for them to do a little work, too.

i hope this makes sense, and maybe provides a little comfort to my fellow trans folk who experience this. Mandatory disclaimer that trans people are all different and this thread might not resonate with you at all! If you’re interested in sharing your perspective, i welcome it. Or if i messed up and said something hurtful, i welcome correction.

But yeah, my main point is to say: if you’ve also gone through the pain of feeling great about what you see in the mirror, only to have your joys dashed by a stranger or a friend’s thoughtless remark…i see you. i feel you. And i just want you to know: it’s not in any way your fault.

One last bit of encouragement based off my own experience: i remember when i was a few months into T and still getting misgendered nonstop, i became convinced that this was just my life. That there’d never come a time when most people saw me as anything but a woman.

But nowadays, I’m gendered male by strangers more often than not!

Sometimes you just need to hang in there, to wait a little longer.

Regardless, it can help to find those people who will see you exactly as you are — no physical changes necessary. It might also help you to remind yourself that whatever your gender journey / transition looks like, it’s for you first and foremost.

i used to think that misgendering would always be debilitating for me — that every instance would be a stab to the gut and ruin my whole day. But as things change for me, and as i become more and more excited about who i am becoming, misgendering hurts less. It’s still frustrating and some instances leave me more pained than others, but the me of 2 years ago would be amazed to learn that misgendering no longer hurts so much.

i wish the kinds of trans joy I’ve experienced for each and every one of you. Please, remember that what others think about you does not negate who you really are. Do what you can to surround yourself with support. Do what you can to safeguard your joy.

...And cis folks, please: do what you can to expand your minds, to change the way you perceive and talk about others. Explore your own experiences of gender, read some essays or watch some youtube vids or something. We’re doing a lot on our end — meet us halfway?

#trans stuff #misgendering #trans validation #trans encouragement #log #essays #long post

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riversidewings · 1 year

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So this is a preview from the beginning of Confluence Book 2, Path of the Straw-Thief. The title comes from an Armenian legend where the god of fire humbled the king of Assyria and planted the stars themselves. It features River and Kasu, who are wife and wife as well as blade doll and Wielder, during the 9 months leading up to the birth of their child. The story is as much about healing old wounds as it is choosing to model empowerment and wholeness for the generation yet to be.

The story is in third person but interspersed is a series of letters River writes to her child and keeps in her diary.

As with Confluence, Path of the Straw-Thief is significantly driven by my desire to figure out one of my life's current overriding questions: what does it mean to me to be an Armenian in exile, as someone who's queer, polytheist, and basically none of the things my ethnic community expects me to be?

The answer is more empowering than I would've imagined at first.

>From the journal of River Victoria M59A1 >Shinagawa, Tokyo >23 December 2024

Dear kiddo: So we tried our damndest with IVF, and they tell me you’re finally on the way. It’s going to be awhile before you get here, and even longer before you can read this. But I want to keep a record this way, and talk about some of the things that were on my mind and going on in my life while we were waiting for you to arrive. Perhaps it will better help you understand where you come from. Perhaps it will help you better understand both of your mothers. And if all else fails, perhaps it will simply be interesting reading.

Once, I was an American soldier. Now, I work alongside your other mother in helping build the tools that help combat dolls in the line of duty, here in Japan. I’m writing you from on the road, on the subway heading back to our hotel, right after the end of a trade fair called JDDEX. I am a combat doll, honed to balance softness and sharpness, though once I was human like your other mother. And while I wait for you to arrive, I’m going to have more and more time spent at home, so I’m also a student again, finishing the doctoral degree I started, way back when. If all goes well, you’ll be with us when I graduate, with my long overdue Ph.D. in history.

At the beginning, when I was just starting in transition and hadn’t undergone cyberization yet, I don’t think I’d have imagined I’d want to be a mother. But time has clarified some things and sharpened others, and I’ve never quite felt something so strongly as this. I’ve had to fight for it every step of the way, both as a human and as a doll. As hard as it’s been, it has also been worth the fight. Somehow, that makes me all the more look forward to your arrival.

From the outset of this series of letters to you, I want to tell you that between both of your mothers’ roots, you are heir to a lot of brave souls, people who stood up in the face of death, of war, and of genocide, and fought back, because it was the right thing to do. The legends have it that our ancestors’ forebears humbled empires, planted the stars, and brought rebirth from ashes and salt from the seas. But whatever the legends say, what matters most is that they were courageous and unstoppable in the face of long odds. You have that power in you, too.

Our own parents forgot this. They saddled us with the weight of guilt and obligation and conditions on their love and support, so it took us both a long time to find that through-line, that point of greatest strength.

If we prove any good as mothers, we will have done better for you than was done for us, and you will hopefully understand sooner than we did, and with less heartache on the way. I won’t lie. Life will be shit, sometimes. But we can work to make it less shitty for others. And as long as you remember that you come from brave, unstoppable roots, you’ll find your way through, and hopefully come to carry yourself with pride and confidence in the face of how awful the world can be even while you’re trying to make it a little better and kinder.

No matter what, we love you forever, child of mine.

I’ll write you again soon.

#confluence #cyberpunk #lesfic #new books #queer fiction

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katytheinspiredworkaholic · 2 years

Text

The Construct of Time, Chapter 05

Pairing: HotchReid

Written For: The HotchReid Valentine’s Day Trope Challenge, Trope Assignments = Historical AU, Time Travel

Summary: The year is 1924, half a decade after the first World War, and a few years before the Great Depression would devastate the nation. It is a time of contradiction: the modernist uprising of science and innovation, met with a traditionalist, fearful desire to cling to the past in a fast-evolving, urbanist society. And on this morning in Washington D.C. an unmarked package is left outside the office of Aaron ‘Hotch’ Hotchner, P.I., with a note simply telling him to find the rest, and a substantial price tag attached. What he finds in this package is something he has never seen before, hundreds of years old, and he barely knows where to start trying to find more like it. Ultimately he is pointed towards someone that may just have a clue what to do with his charge: a Classics Historian working in the basements of the Smithsonian, Dr. Spencer Reid. Together, what they discover sends them on a break-neck chase across the city, searching for a mysterious collection of powerful artifacts, and the people that are trying to sell them. Forever changing everything they know about the world, the people in it, truth, lies, love, and the fragile construct of time.

Rating: Mature/Explicit (to be determined)

Chapter CW/notes: short chapter (gasp. shock. me?! couldn’t be). Lots more gratuitous flirting and suggestive things thought about because Hotch can’t control himself I guess. Some time-period typical misogyny here, but not a lot. A lot of talk of languages and linguistics, and some insanely incorrect translations. I’d like to thank my co-author: GoogleTranslate.

Word Count: 3,378

Masterpost Link

Ao3 Link

–

Chapter 05: Academic Sources

–

Hotch knows Washington D.C. like the back of his hand. Can navigate the streets and buildings, neighborhoods and transit systems, as easily as most can navigate their homes. He might not have been able to go inside all said buildings and establishments, or at least not most of them, but if someone asked for directions he could practically draw a map and label the train numbers to take. So when he and Spencer leave Smithsonian Castle, in the heart of the District, he knows the exact route to Georgetown even though he hasn’t stepped foot onto the campus since his early years as a prosecutor. They have one hell of a Law Library.

Georgetown is located just past Foggy Bottom and the West End, up along the Potomac where it monopolizes quite a few square blocks of the city. The buildings are about as grand and pretentious as you could imagine, with the same air and grace as Smithsonian Castle and the Library of Congress, but after visiting the other two such destinations Georgetown doesn’t seem as ethereal. Hotch is definitely getting a good sense of what the academic crowd are going for, though, when it comes to the nation’s capital.

They arrive right after morning classes begin, students milling about laden down with books and papers; half with a frantic anxious energy and the other half too tired to care. Hotch certainly doesn’t miss those days, and he bets Spencer doesn’t either – although the other man blends into the student body near seamlessly. Once on campus the young doctor leads them through pillar-lined walkways and past vibrant green lawns, into the castle-like fortress where the hallways and hundreds of doors look more like a labyrinth than a university. But Spencer knows exactly where he’s going, just as before.

Hotch had half expected to be led into the Classics department, or history, and is surprised when they walk into the faculty offices for the Department of Linguistics.

“You weren’t kidding about the translation, were you,” Hotch says with his usual even tone, dry humor that very few laugh at. It makes Spencer bite back a smile.

“As much as I am well versed in both modern and ancient Greek, I was a little… shaken and thought it best to get a second opinion.”

“Good morning, Dr. Reid,” the receptionist greets, familiar and much like the employees at the Library. “Did you have an appointment with Dr. Blake? I don’t think I have you on our schedule–”

“No, she’s not expecting me. Is she in class?” he asks with a charming smile. “I was hoping to drop in and ask for her advice on a translation project.”

Oh wow, Hotch had been right, his smile and sweet demeanor really could open doors. As the receptionist lets them sit in the professor’s office, despite the fact this Dr. Blake is indeed teaching a class, Hotch suddenly wonders what sway that sweet smile might hold under different circumstances. The academic world doesn’t appear to be as locked up and secretive as the crime beat is, but as he’s learned spending time with the young Dr. Reid the past two days – appearances can be deceiving.

They don’t have to wait very long, barely enough time to settle into the chair by a very nice mahogany desk and for Spencer to skim through a book that the door opens to a woman just a little older than Hotch. She has a serious face, inquisitive eyes, and a firm set to her mouth as she takes in Hotch first before she notices Spencer is there as well. It lessens her squared stance when she catches sight of him.

“Dr. Reid. I see you sweet-talked Ms. Reeves into access to my office,” she chastises, and Spencer lets out a sheepish smile like it’s something he can’t actually help. Being that charming and unassuming.

“I hope we aren’t intruding,” he says in apology.

“Not at all, my day was actually looking to be rather dull.” She glances at Hotch, who had stood as soon as the professor entered the room. Chivalry ingrained in him nearly as well as the words of the Law. He also removed his hat, and if he spots Spencer smiling fondly at his gentlemanly attempts then Hotch doesn’t draw attention to it.

“Alex, this is Mr. Aaron Hotchner, a Private Investigator that has asked me for help with a case. Aaron, meet Dr. Alex Blake, the head of the Linguistics department here at Georgetown and one of my favorite colleagues in the District.” Hotch shakes her hand, the woman having a very strong, firm grip and commanding presence. Her penetrating stare is about as well masked as any lawyer or crook Hotch has ever met in his entire adult career, but he knows when he’s being sized up and judged. “We’ve worked together on some of my Classics projects and curations at the Smithsonian.”

“It’s a pleasure, Dr. Blake,” Hotch says politely, warm but only so much. Keeping it professional. That will get them much further in discussions. When he had told Spencer that he is very skilled at reading people, Hotch meant it. But the reading only goes so far without adaptable application. He needs to read what a person is like, and know how to best appeal to them. This woman lives and breathes her profession. She gives him a lukewarm smile in return, charmed, and then gestures for them to sit in the chairs by her desk.

“What kind of case would require Dr. Reid’s assistance?” she questions, straight to the point as she seats herself in a neat perch behind her desk, hands folded on top and giving them her undivided attention.

“Stolen museum artifacts,” Hotch says, just as plainly. “I was given Dr. Reid’s name by a friend in the police department. They told me he would be the expert I’m looking for. And they were right.”

“Artwork?” she pries, with a tilt of her head.

“No, more like… relics. Jewelry, some pieces I wasn’t even sure what their purpose was for,” Hotch says in good humor, still on the fence if he should reveal just how calculating he can be, or if it would benefit them more if he played the fool. A smart man can learn quite a lot by playing dumb. If people don’t give you enough credit to understand a situation, they end up saying more than they probably would have meant to. “Hence the consult.”

“Well, that sounds very exciting.” She doesn’t seem to actually think so, oddly, and by the dismissive turn of her head she gives her attention back to Spencer. Hotch watches the interaction unblinkingly. “What brings you to my office?”

“I actually need your help with a translation,” Spencer says, and that calls forth the first real look of shock on the woman’s face.

“You?”

Spencer shrugs, sheepish again. “I’m uncertain about the dialect, it seems distorted somehow. Almost as if it’s been mistranslated from the original to English and back again.”

“How odd,” the intrigue is there, it shines in her eyes brighter than any other emotion, and relaxes her stance as she leans on her desk with her fingers near her chin in contemplation. “Show me.”

Spencer only hesitates a moment, and Hotch doesn’t miss that one bit. He’s not sure if this Dr. Blake notices it, either, but it’s as good as a confirmation to him in that moment. He’s never met Dr. Blake before, doesn’t know what about her behavior is just quirks of personality or tell tale signs of what he actually thinks is going on here. She’s hiding something. Or, more specifically, knows a bit about what’s going on. Feigning that she doesn’t. Not the only person in the room that understands the benefit of ‘playing the fool’.

Hotch would bet all the cash in that unlabeled envelope back at his office that Dr. Alex Blake could give them an exact address to the auction they are searching for, if she felt so inclined.

But Spencer pulls out his research notebook, and turns to a page that looks fresh. Save for a string of Greek letters written there in his own hand. The actual stark white paper and message must be somewhere else in his notebook, and Hotch isn’t actually sure when Spencer had the time to copy it down. But he’s glad the young man thought ahead to do so, especially after that inkling of a realization they had back in his labs. Have you ever seen paper like this before? No, Hotch hasn’t, and neither has Spencer, because it’s not modern paper. It’s something else entirely –

Dr. Blake takes the notebook and looks at the words, reads them out loud, and even as she does there seems to be breaks in the words, “Poté min afíseis to méllon na se enochlísei. Tha to synantíseis, an chreiasteí, me ta ídia ópla logikís pou símera se oplízoun enántia sto parón.” She’s squinting hard at it, frowning, brow furrowed and murmuring a couple of the words to herself, correcting dialect and reaching for a pen on her desk – only thinking to look up at Spencer and ask quickly, “May I?” Spencer nods and then Dr. Blake begins to mark it up, fix certain words, circle others – and as she starts to translate what some could mean… she pauses.

“What is it?” Hotch asks before Spencer can.

“ – this is a quotation,” she says, suspicious and careful. “I know it.”

Hotch and Spencer glance at each other, knowing without speaking that it must be true. The first message was a quote from a famous Greek Tragedy. It only makes sense that this clue is also from another old work.

“So I was right?” Spencer asks. He probably doesn’t get to ask that question often, Hotch thinks with a smirk. “It’s a translation of a translation?”

“A very poor one,” Dr. Blake agrees. Abandoning the notebook, she stands and goes to her bookshelf. The tome she pulls is old, well worn, well read – and Spencer cranes from where he sits to try and read the title from across the room. “It’s Marcus Aurelius, from his Ancient Greek writings. Meditations.” She flips through the book, finds the page, and hands the book directly to Spencer.

It’s in Greek, but Spencer finds the line easily after tracing his finger down the page. Eyes wide in shock, darting to Hotch in quiet meaningful glances, before he translates for him.

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”

A chill goes down Hotch’s spine at the first line. Never let the future disturb you. It holds a completely different meaning to them after that morning. After watching Spencer disappear and reappear, slipping through subtle cracks in time. If the items could bring someone backward, did it also mean they could bring someone forward? To the future? ’Have you ever seen paper like this before?’

‘–he was gone. Not dead, Hotch, gone.’

Hotch is more spooked by the line than he even dares to admit.

While Hotch had latched onto the ‘future’ part of the quotation, Spencer has already moved past it to the rest. “Weapons. Arm. You don’t think–” his voice trails off, and he goes very still. Hotch catches up to the young doctor’s train of thought very quickly after that, and does his utmost best not to look at the satchel housing their two recovered artifacts. “ –could they be weapons of some kind?”

“That’s not what the translation means,” Dr. Blakes says, almost as if in reprimand. Like Spencer should know better.

“Yes, I know,” he defends, words spilling forth quicker as his brain tries to process everything faster than he can speak. “But the word choice in this quote can’t be coincidence for much else. Especially from Marcus Aurelius. Weapons. Reason. Arming oneself. Meeting one’s future. Virtute et armis.” That’s not Greek, it’s Latin, and that Hotch knows.

“... by manhood and weapons?” he says, brain wracking for his own studies years and years ago. “Or – by virtue and arms.” That sounded more like a Roman proverb, and Dr. Blake nods. Spencer looks so quietly pleased and impressed that Hotch has to clench his jaw to keep a smile at bay.

Dr. Blake paces back to her desk. Elaborating as she goes. “Virtue first and foremost, but a person always has the tools of last resort.”

“A good man can also be a desperate man, under dire circumstances,” Hotch murmurs out loud, not so sure they should be picking this particular theory apart under the watchful eye of Dr. Blake. He glances at Spencer again, and reiterates, “-- this could have something to do with weapons.”

“But the translation is ‘weapons of reason’,” Dr. Blake adds without preamble, with a hint of something almost… defensive. “What if it is in reference to your stolen museum pieces? Perhaps the persons you are searching for thought they were doing something good. Keeping it out of nefarious hands – the act of a crime being the metaphorical weapon?”

“And take it where?” Spencer asks, “then it becomes a matter or moral perspective. Is their hands any better than the ones who would buy and sell it on a black market?”

“Not if they are returning them to their country or origin, to the ones whom it belongs to in the first place!” Dr. Blake insists. Her outburst like a shockwave, and Spencer looks stricken by it. Pieces carefully aligning into place. “There’s such an imbalance in the museum society, you know this Spencer, of artifacts and art pieces and culture that – belong to the people it originated from. It’s their history, their heritage, who are we to say it belongs in the Louvre or the London Museum? Or the Smithsonian?” It’s a sharp barbed throw, and Hotch can see her passion behind the cause, but he can’t help but think… how naïve one had to be, to consult with criminals to obtain such a result, and still think the artifacts won’t fall prey to those who would rather make a quick buck.

“ –Maybe,” Spencer says, slow and drawn out, also not convinced that this is what actually occurred – not with what they know – and Hotch thinks then that they have overstayed their welcome far past what could be considered safe and sane. Dr. Blake doesn’t appear dangerous. But knowing who some of the dark underground places this case has touched, the woman might not fully understand what she has put in motion. If Emily Prentiss had been involved and backed out due to it being too risky? Those dark places were the equivalent of pitch black.

And yet – she doesn’t seem worried. As if it were already too late.

As if the artifacts have already reached wherever they were supposed to be. Dr. Blake doesn’t know they have the puzzle box, or the locket, and she didn’t much seem to mourn their absence.

But Hotch doesn’t want to push his luck. They need to go.

He stands, then, hat in hand and the look of a man ready to be out the door. “Dr. Blake, thank you so much for your assistance. It has helped us tremendously,” he adds politely, taking her hand to shake again in parting.

“Of course, anything for Dr. Reid,” she says as well with a prim, concealed smile. “I hope you find what you are looking for, Mr. Hotchner.”

Her tone indicates that they won’t.

Hotch keeps his face neutral, but he knows now without a shadow of a doubt that whatever else they had hoped to recover – they were long gone from Washington, D.C..

–

“Where do you think they are?” Hotch asks as soon as they are out of the offices of the department of Linguistics, one hand pressed lightly to the small of Spencer’s back to help lead him out of the labyrinth of hallways and keep him close enough to speak quietly. “Halfway to Europe by now?”

“By boat? Without a doubt,” Spencer murmurs, numb and so sad sounding. “By plane? They could be in Rome, London, Cairo, Madrid. Depends if we missed them by a single day or multiple.”

Shit. Hotch knows that if he had been in such a position, plane would have been his first bet of getting the items out of D.C. and away as fast as humanly possible. And it wouldn’t be hard at all with academic resources as a cover, not with how much excavation was going these days. Egypt will have nothing left once the archeologists were done with it. Which is exactly what Dr. Blake was getting at – but to get involved with the criminal underground like this in the name of preservation? She couldn’t really think that she could somehow swindle real thieves and smugglers into returning priceless items, could she?

“How can someone so smart be so dumb,” Hotch mutters, shaking his head. He bets Dr. Alex Blake hasn’t been called oblivious a day in her life, but the term sounds much nicer than willful ignorance.

“She honestly thought she was doing the right thing, I think,” Spencer mumbles, his ears red and shame staining his cheeks. His head must be ringing with that shot at the Smithsonian. At his life’s work.

Without meaning to, Hotch finds his hand pressed more solidly to the younger man’s back, as they make it out into the mid-day sunshine and side-step to a small alcove. Away from prying eyes and ears, surrounded by stone walls and pillars, able to breathe and collect themselves in their seclusion. Spencer still looks shell-shocked, trying to find his footing as he paces there.

“So what do we do?” he asks.

“Well, I’m not giving up this chase. Even if everything is halfway to Madrid.” Hotch says, and Spencer’s soft gaze near glows in admiration. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’m getting paid a fat wad of cash for it.”

“You don’t care about the money,” Spencer says, and it’s not a question. It melts the façade right off of Hotch’s face.

“No, I don’t. I also don’t care that everything might already be gone. Are you ready to give up and go back to your basement laboratory?” There’s a lilt to his tone, and brightness to his dark eyes that he doesn’t want to hide from the other man, because he already knows the answer. Enough he allows himself to hope.

“Not a chance,” Spencer smiles.

“Good. So what do we do next.” Hotch hadn’t realized how close they were standing until that moment, curved towards each other, barely a few inches distance. With just a twitch of his fingers he could reach for Spencer’s waist once more, curl a hand around it, draw him closer still until they touch chest to thighs. “We can’t trust your academic scene any more, and we can’t trust my underground one by default – so where do we turn next?”

Spencer chews on his lip. Hotch has to resist the urge to free it with his thumb. “Well… firstly I think we should find out if one of these artifacts is actually a weapon of some kind. I’d rather not be carrying around the equivalent of a live grenade as we go trapezing about the city.”

“Smart.”

“So I’ve been told,” Spencer smirks, and it quirks surprise into Aaron’s lips. He knows because the action catches Spencer’s honey hazel eyes. “I – I have some friends outside the academic community we can consult. On the far side of town. I needed to deliver a book to him, anyway.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Hotch smiles, small and sincere and it reflects in Spencer’s face tenfold. Bright and blooming.

This was turning into the wild goose chase that Hotch had so dreaded just the following morning, but with the warmth of Dr. Spencer Reid’s brilliant adoration fixed solely on him – and another long day in his company awaiting them – Hotch finds he doesn’t mind the drawn out case any longer. Let it twist and wind for days, in his opinion.

He hasn’t been this happy in years.

—

tbc…

—

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Tagged list so far: @physics-magic @thaddeusly @sideblogforcrimpy @anxious-enby

(To be added to the taglist just send me a message via comment, reblog, ask, or DM!)

#again I'm sorry for the delay #legit got Covid on Friday last week and it hit me like a truck #hopefully this one is okay. I had to do some filler still half out of my mind with fever #but I'm going to be damned if I have to throw away my new writing schedule a week after I start it #anyway please enjoy loves #The Construct of Time #HotchReid #Heid #Historical AU #time travel #all the tags I can't think of right now

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divineunderstandingsastrology · 1 year

Text

Jupiter in Aries! Just my interpretation 😍

Jupiter leaves Pisces officially on December 20, 2022 at around 6:32 AM (PST), and goes into Aries. It will be transiting Aries uninterrupted until September of 2023, and then it will go retrograde in Taurus.

Jupiter retrograde in Pisces has been causing us to find the intuitive solutions that are within us, and it brings us to a subtle awareness of our own subconscious. In some ways we had to grapple with our sense of reality, and truly understand the consequences of ignoring some of the things we had been feeling over the past several years.

Jupiter in Pisces is the end of a very important cycle, as Pisces is the final sign on the wheel. Retrogrades causes us to revisit and work out kinks regarding the energies of the signs that retrograde planets transit within. When Jupiter went retro in Pisces it offered up a soul experience, and this is something that many lack in contemporary society. Based on my own experience I’d say more and more people in today’s world lack an in-depth connection to their intuition or subconscious, and also a Divine connection to something beyond the physical senses. Jupiter retrograde in 2022 was an opportune time to have more experiences that were less explainable by the human senses, logic and quantifiable analysis. It was a time to potentially develop more faith in the unseen realm, as many of the things that transpired this year in the tangible were unfit for even the imagination in terms of the kind of fear that they stoked within us. 2022 has been a time to incubate within Pisces, especially as Neptune is there, in its home sign as well. Jupiter brought many of us gifts in terms of understanding what ethereal connection is about, as well as what it feels like to truly trust in what we cannot see, and know that we will turn out okay, even if we feel as though all we do is survive.

The past year has been one of great uncertainty and facing many unknowns. A lot of us felt left in the dark in terms of the status of the world and what the next crisis could possibly be. There seemed to be catastrophe after catastrophe waiting around, at all turns of events. As a collective we faced a lot of fear, and I think that that could be a sort of wayward gift that came from the Jupiter in Pisces transit. Jupiter was Pisces’ original ruler, and to me one Piscean theme is that of surrendering to the unknown. The 12th house is also fears and phobias, as they are deeply subconscious things rooted within the psyche. I feel a lot of 2022 has been about facing those things - worrying gravely about the state of our world and fearing that it’s not safe, only for blessings to still come and life to continue on. We are shown as well that the worst things imaginable can happen and we can live through the unknowns, while putting some more faith into the Divine and its processes for leading the collective.

When Jupiter goes into Aries things may feel a lot less subtle than they did in 2022, even though 2022 had plenty of overtly scary events. Aries is the energy that initiates the zodiac, and so there could be plenty of new opportunity during the Jupiter-Aries cycle: to start brand new ventures and enjoy new phases of the external world. Things may feel less foggy and slumbering, and we may have a clearer conviction of what we want to do in terms of expansion and gaining a better understanding of what makes life meaningful.

Aspects:

Sun Square Jupiter

As soon as Jupiter goes into Aries it goes into a square-off with the sun in Sagittarius. Sagittarius is another sign that Jupiter rules, which makes this an interesting aspect, that basically rings in the Jupiter in Aries transit that will go on for the next several months. The sun is representative of the source of life, and is where we experience vitality and a desire to assert our will. It’s also a creative force, and so having the sun Squaring Jupiter during its Aries ingress shows a sort of rambunctious force taking over right “out of the gate”, so to speak. Opportunities could feel as though they’re happening too quickly, especially with the sun being in ever-expanding Sagittarius. Sagittarius energy often needs to come with a plan but doesn’t, and Jupiter in Aries gives the vibe of headstrong direction into big things.

As a result of this aspect happening, during the initial period (the ingress) we may feel as though we are floundering, trying to make things happen fast, as there’s potentially many different avenues for our energy to go. We may also feel incredibly aligned, recharged and funneled directly into a sense of motivation; we could have our sight on whatever it is that gives us purpose. The square has a bad reputation (I’m also guilty of purporting it often enough) but it can pull us out of complacency and produce an effect on us that has us striving for personal power and wanting to resolve whatever crisis we feel we’re in the midst of.

Jupiter conjunct Neptune

Jupiter maintains its conjunction with Neptune (albeit a wide aspect), which started happening around April, and then engaged again during the retrograde cycle. With the conjunction to Neptune Jupiter brings dreamy and metaphysical undertones to its stay in Aries, and this also carries over to that square with the sun on the day of the ingress. With Neptune energy carried over during the ingress there could be plenty of things we are not seeing clearly in terms of the opportunities that might come up. The Sagittarius sun as well could have us wanting to jump headfirst into experiences, so that we can expand our circumstances and understanding around them. It would be good to examine all angles of situations before being overly excited by the prospect of entirely new circumstances. Aside from that, Neptunian energy can soften our drive for prowess (Aries energy) and bring a sense of empathy and generosity to our methods of acquisition. Neptune also comes with the power of envisioning and imagination, and so this could be an incredibly positive time for creation as a whole.

Jupiter sextile Pluto

The planet most known for its benevolence will be mingling with one of the most feared orbiting bodies in astrology: Pluto. Pluto rules things that must be overcome or survived, as well as things that are hidden; it is the shadow side of human nature and can be a symbol for destruction and corruption. Pluto in a sextile with Jupiter, ingressing into Aries, could be a signal for deep and transformative new phases of life, and could act as a window into understanding our own personal warrior-like nature. I believe we all have a warrior within us, and that this coming Aries-Jupiter transit could give us insight into how to bring out our innermost strengths in order to expand.

Even though the battalion-type energies of Aries and Pluto could be viewed with trepidation, the sextile is a minor aspect, and known as an “easy” one. It probably won’t bring much strife or complication, even if Pluto aspects can manifest darkly and in “scary” ways at first, and for a while, regardless of the aspect. We could be called during the Jupiter in Aries transit to undergo an upheaval of our impulses and really have to learn to not get overly strung up on certain feats of quick decision making. We may learn to truly channel our ambitions and desires into something transformative and constructive over the next several months. We may also become obsessed or enraptured with finding an outlet for our abilities that revolve around where we esteem ourselves to be strong and worthy of manifestation. Whatever happens this will likely be an interesting transit that brings a lot of inner and outer innovation and ambition.

[[Image source: https://unsplash.com/s/photos/jupiter]]

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