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unabashedhonesty · 1 year

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Am I...transgender?

I’ve felt my whole life like I am not a proper female. I remember me, as young as three years old, arguing vehemently with my maternal parental unit that I am a BOY, gd it! I’ve had barbies and dresses and the color PINK forced on me my entire childhood. (I despise pink to this very day because of the association.) I wanted to play sports like wrestling and football, but I couldn’t because those were “for boys”. And then I learned when I was a teenager that I like both genders — but not sex. And I was apparently “wrong” for both of those things. I always had to talk and behave a certain way because of my genitals, which never sat well with me. When I finally started to live with the notion that I-have-a-uterus-and-sizable-breasts-so-logic-dictates-that-I-am-a-girl, I tried to embrace my “place” in the world and started focusing on how to be a “proper lady”, yet all the sudden I was “slutty” and a “hoochie” “outspoken” and “disrespectful” and should dress “conservatively”, even though girls who showed off their looks apparently got praise and approval (it didn’t help that the only affection I ever got was from the “family friend” who got way too handsy with me, but I took it because here was someone who was finally being nice to me).

When I finally got away from toxic relatives and out on my own, I tried to be a proper woman, but the label “woman” never settled in and I waited my entire twenties to feel “right”. Then tragedy hit me and my partner and living became survival again, thus I no longer cared what I looked like or what people thought. I stopped wearing makeup so much, I stopped shaving my legs and armpits, I stopped the painful process of waxing my face, and THEN!! For the first time, I actually felt comfortable in my skin. I stopped wearing bras so much. I started wearing geeky t-shirts and jeans and biker boots. I talk in a way that feels right to me, and not how a “lady” should. I stopped sitting like a “lady” and I don’t take shit from anybody anymore. I began to realize that I never liked being referred to as a “she” and would jokingly tell my friends to not accuse me of being a woman. Then I started an anonymous, faceless, genderless Twitter (before the muskrat takeover) as a social experiment, and learned that I LIKED it when everyone just assumed I was a guy. I didn’t correct them because I didn’t want them to change the way they talked to me.

I then came to the conclusion that I’m genderfluid. I prefer they/them pronouns, but I really do enjoy he/him. I still know how to be a “woman”, and I still occasionally present myself as one when it’s needed (or when it’s not a good idea to get into correcting people). I still thought I was stuck being a woman when I met my partner, so I will happily be a woman for them from time to time, because that’s what they’re attracted to and I still want to be attractive to them. But they never try to make me be anything, and certainly doesn’t shame me for my gender issues — they love and support me whatever I’m feeling. (They still refer to me as “she”, but that’s what I still was when we met nearly a decade ago and it’s hard for them to switch, so I don’t hold it against them; they’re not malicious about it at all). And if I’m feeling particularly masculine — even for weeks or months at a time — they don’t try to stop me from being just that. For most of my life, I’d never heard of transgender or gender-affirming care or anything of the sort (due to being raised in an EXTREMELY conservative environment), but once I started educating myself about it so I could support others, it started to make a lot of sense to me. But I’m still learning and trying to understand it all, so I beg of you, LGBTQIA+ side of Tumblr, to PLEASE help me understand what exactly I am and what I’m going through. I know how I feel — have ALWAYS felt — and that is most certainly NOT feminine. Am I genderqueer? Am I Trans? Is this real? Am I a hypochondriac? Is it all in my head? Am I just confused? Please help!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤎🤍🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

#lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtqia+#queer #genderfluid #genderqueer #trans #transgender #am i trans?#Am I just genderfluid?#Please help #i want to understand #they/them #pronouns #he/him

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themooninverted · 10 months

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How do you know if you're trans?

It should be easy. You are what you are, and as confusing as it is on the inside, you can at least see that there's something not quite right. You've grown up seeing others stories, hearing people talk of knowing since they were a kid that they weren't what the world told them. It made sense to you, you never questioned them despite the fact you could only see yourself as what the world said you were. You'd know if something was off. Because when the world told you who you were, you listened. When others told you who they were, you listened. Why wouldn't you?

It's not something that comes on you out of the blue, in the dark, that worms your way into your head and asks you the question of "are you sure?" after years of being used to your existence as a guy. After you had spent years accepting trans people as a reality, how could it be? You had all that time, all those chances to ask yourself "am I who I think I am" and the thought never occurred to you, you never doubted you were as you were told to be. You never questioned. But you were unhappy. And you had all these reasons and all these factors that fed into how you felt. Being a guy wasn't the issue, you said to yourself. It was your father, the expectations of manhood that you resisted. It was social malnutrition and perpetrated biases, nothing to do with what lay between your legs, nothing to do with what stretched your bones and bulked your form and fuelled your anger like oxygen to a flame. You had reasons and things to blame, no need to look any further.

But cis guys don't lay in bed imagining what it'd be like not to be a guy. They're not alone in the dark, exhausted at 2 am, trapped imagining a life of being born someone else, someone happier with their body, someone not a guy. They don't recall imagining this all the way a decade back in high-school. All the way back to middle school, day dreaming at night of being with the cute girl in band class who just came out as bi. Not as a guy, never as that. It never crossed your mind, because why would you want to be a guy when anything else was an option?

Cis guys never went through puberty upset at their legs for growing hair, hating their body for betraying them in a way they can't articulate because they're twelve years old and a boy. And boys have hair they're not allowed to shave, because that's what you're taught. You are a boy, and that means there are certain ways your are allowed to present and take care of your body, and there are ways you are explicitly not allowed to. So you put away all your shorts, you discount them as an option for you to ever wear, and you put on those jeans you hate because you hate denim less than you hate your body.

So you sit in the dining room chair as your father buzzes your hair to half an inch despite you begging for only a full, because one inch is the biggest size both he and the clippers will allow you to have. But not this time. And you sit there, losing more hair than you want, in a body with more hair than you want, in jeans too much like your fathers but are all you can wear to hide the limbs that make you feel like a sasquach. Your mother tells you that your such a handsome boy and you smile and your shoulders tighten and you can't look up from the floor and you tell yourself that she was lying. You look weird, with your dumb ears and bald head and hand-me-down clothes you hate. So you put on an appreciative face and bow your head and you take it.

Because you're a boy. You know the song and dance by now.

But you were a boy. You are a man now. You have been so long, you've never questioned it. Except you have. And you have been for so long in so many little ways that it was easy to mistake it for something else. Mistake it for so many various resentments, body issues, societal roles. So much of what gets defined as being a man is nebulous and vague enough you can pull it over your head like a weighted blanket and hide away.

You're no longer a boy. You're a man. Twenty six years old now, standing in your bathroom wearing shorts. It took you until you were twenty two to be comfortable enough to wear them, although you still hate your legs. You could shave, but it takes more effort than you feel you can muster to maintain a proper shave. Plus the heat of the American South along with the jeans you still have to wear for work leaves them irritated and razor rashed. That, and you never learned how how to shave and a part of you is too scared to look up how. Because you learned your leasons well, even if you're trying to unlearn them now. You look into the mirror and you brush your hair, down to your shoulders. You're proud of it, though it's not as well kept as you'd like. You use your mother's brand of shampoo and conditioner, unsure of if it's even the right fit for your type of hair because you're scared to learn how to take care of yourself the way you want to even if it doesn't feel like fear. It's just how things are. But at least the conditioner is a victory, and you smile at how soft your hair feels. You remember your father snide voice telling you conditioner was only for women. You smile because he was wrong. In so many ways he was wrong. But the smile is small and it doesn't stay. You wonder what it means that when you look in a mirror you think you look more like your aunt and mom than your uncles? You can't see any men in your face, in your tired eyes, the lines of your mouth. It's a man's face, but all you can see are women you haven't spoken to in years. Family you avoid.

It's 2 am again and you're unable to sleep. You were reading a story about a man who against their will becomes a woman. It's not an uncommon one for you, as you always find yourself drawn to genderbent fiction. But for some reason this time is different. This time, reading of the main character's strained relationship with their parents, their denials and their isolation, their hangups and fears, it all felt to much like you. Enough you don't immediately notice it. Enough that you can't help but put yourself in their place. And as they reveal themselves to their lesbian childhood friend who they haven't spoken to in over a year, as they get seen as the woman they've come to realize they always were, as this shamelessly wishfullfillment fills your head so completely and you're drawn in so deeply you find yourself weeping in the kind of relief you haven't felt in so long.

But the relief wasn't yours. It was hers. You tell yourself that as you lay in the dark with your cheeks still wet. That all felt nice, but it wasn't for you. You are a man after all. You learned a long time ago that some things that you want just aren't for you. So you pull the blanket of masculinity back over you read and you fall asleep.

Months pass and you find yourself thinking of names. You've always hated yours. You wonder how trans people choose. Your nonbinary partner never changed theirs, but hypothetically—because that's all you'll allow yourself—if you were trans, what would you change your name to? Something connected to the one you have now, you think. But not for your first name, no. You hate it and there's not a good feminine version of it. You've met women with your first name, and for some it fit, but you just can't see it for yourself. So you work a bit with your middle, discarding the obvious feminine form because it was the name of a middle school ex. But you want to keep the feel, and after a bit of thought you find the perfect match. Elaine. You could be an Elaine. You're not sure why but the idea makes you smile for the rest of the day.

More months pass and you have forgotten about Elaine. You're still a man. Not something that'll change any time soon. Why would it? Not that you're thinking of that. Your looking for that story again, the one that made you cry. It's a favorite, though you haven't touched it since that night. It must have updated since then, and it had. On a whim you read the authors blog post. It's a story they've worked on for three years now, and despite its wishfulfillment nature, you've always found it amusing how it was being written by a cis guy, though one who regularly talked with and got advice from trans fans. Except reading the blog you find out they're not as cis as you thought they were. They're not as cis as they thought they were either. A little while after you cried that night, they came out in a blog post. All these months they have been transitioning, and all the confusion and fear and relief that brings. They thought they were a man. They worked on a story about a trans woman for three entire years, spent hours upon hours talking with and listening to trans people tell their stories to better help their work, and it took until they were twenty freaking nine before they knew they were a woman. But you're not twenty nine. You're twenty six.

And it hits you.

Sometimes it can stare at you in the face from a mirror, and you still won't know. You could confess it to a loved one, and somehow you will find some way to brush past it and forget. Because you've been one thing for so long, it's so hard to imagine anything else. It's so easy to ignore because you've been taught to, because you've learned to, because it's so damn hard to see what you're too scared too. It's a monster in your closet, and you know how to pull that heavy hated blanket over your head.

But this time when you reach for it, it's not there. This time you have to face what you've kept hidden.

#its 2am #trans #questioning #how do you know #am i trans?#i dont know #maybe #what do i even tag this as #should there be warnings on this? christ tumblr confuses me #im questioning a lot right now #its a lot #and theres so much i couldnt fit in to say #not that i know how to say it #i should really go to bed

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idrawstuffsometimes · 9 months

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Please help: Gender identity edition

I never really thought much about gender. I had about an equal mix of girl and boy friends as a little kid. Now as a much bigger kid, it feels like the genders are separating and I’m feeling kind of torn?

I love wearing cute little dresses and sparkly makeup and I love the idea of being a femme fatale or a cool bi aunt. I’m usually totally comfortable with being a girl. But sometimes, I’ll be wearing something feminine that previously I though was cute and just feel a wave of discomfort. Like, suddenly I would rather be wearing sweats than this super cute outfit because it just doesn’t feel right.

I got a really short and kind of androgynous hairstyle recently, and as an otherwise fairly androgynous appearing person, a lot of people would sometimes call me “sir” and refer to me as male before I started speaking or they took a closer look. And this always makes me super happy? I previously chalked this up to my innate urge to cause chaos, but one day i was wearing a tank top and a bra that was too small and seriously looked like a dude. And I felt so. Good.

This sent me down a rabbit hole. Realizing that I usually related more strongly to masculine characters in fiction (which could of course be from a lack of representation). I remember a diary entry from a few years ago reading “I want to date a guy but in a gay way.” I thought I had a crush on some characters in shows, but I never thought anything romantic about them, just really liked the way they were. And they all looked like me and acted like me. Just male. And the entire fanbase had decided these characters were trans.

There are times when I love being a girl. There are parts of womanhood that I don’t want to live without. But I also get such joy from being perceived as/ feeling masculine.

Tl;dr gender is hard please give me your unofficial tumblr opinion thank

#transgender #am i trans?#please help #gender

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sluggodandpoet · 4 months

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Gender update:

these may become a thing these updates as you all kinda watch my queer journey. I’ve realized I very strongly don’t want to be seen as a girl or a guy. I don’t want to have to think about it. I don’t want to feel a part of my body because I don’t like this body. Seeing myself as a girl or being seen as one makes me dysphoric and being seen as a guy makes me feel like a fraud. And I don’t want anyone to see me and give me their misogynistic ideas of what a woman is if I am seen as one. I just want to be a voice floating in my head in a world without gender yk?

#trans #gender questioning #gender #gender dysphoria #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queerness #queer #am i trans?#send help #cisgender #idk man

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almomed · 11 days

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The feminine urge to turn into cis man but alas I cannot :(

#divine feminine #wgat the fuck #pls help #please please please #please help #might kms #meow #yayyyyy #am i trans?#nuh uh #bsd #boothill

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thatguywhomightbeagirl · 4 months

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I have tried Monster once. I really liked it even though it was just the regular version and now I want to drink it occasionally but every time I think about it my brain goes ‘people won’t view this as a transfem thing, they’ll see you as a Kyle’ and I haven’t had one since. Does this count as gender dysphoria?

#lgbtq #lgbtq community #lgbtqia #queer #trans #transgender #egg #txt #enby #advice #am i trans?#monster #gender critical

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phrog-gods · 1 month

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It’s midnight, so my brain very well cannot be trusted. However, I’ve got a burning question and this hellsite is the first place I could think of to get an answer.

How do I tell for sure if I’m trans?? (ftm)

Im under 20 if that’s important. I’ve always been the “tomboy” kid in the class. I’ve felt more camaraderie with guy classmates historically and tend to lean towards the shenanigans and methods of communication and argument-solving that guys do, but that doesn’t mean I’m trans??

I’ve felt a weird inability to relate between myself and a lot of my cis-female classmates, but that could just be the ADHD/autism??

I don’t think I have any serious body dysmorphia beyond wanting to be a little slimmer. I’m already small in the chest area, but I don’t think I would particularly mind being rid of my chest for good. I know that I dont really want a dick though.

I feel weird when my parents call me their “daughter” or when my siblings use the word “sister”. “Brother” or “Son” would honestly be preferable, but even “child” or “sibling” is really nice.

I wanna cut my hair but I’m a bit afraid of how I’ll look or if I’ll like what I see. But I haven’t worn a dress in years for the same reason. Maybe I’m just a feminine-adjacent blob? Not quite “girl” but not exactly “boy” either. And being called non-binary or using they/them also feels like it doesn’t fit.

Idk, maybe this is just the ramblings of my sleep-addled mind. I’m not in an unsafe household or environment or anything, the worst that could happen is my parents not understanding but acclimating regardless.

Any advice would be appreciated regardless though.

#trans??????#advice wanted #am i trans?#possibly ftm???

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bl00ds0akedb0nez · 1 year

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i’m not trans but i want to look like a guy and act like a guy and be seen as a guy and act like a guy and look like a guy and date women in a straight way and date men in a gay way … fuck am i trans?

#trans?#am i trans?#lol fuck am i trans i have no idea help me

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jude-thedude98 · 1 year

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That moment you realized you got circumcised because no one showed your uncut penis any love and saw it as repulsive and always pointed and asked questions "Why's it look that"?

And now your circumcised and you appreciate it more because trust and believe it was tough dealing with the rejection stares looks and points as well as there's no one there to show the new work and appreciate it. At least none of the olds who have not seen or heard the news.

That moment that you think you are better off as saving up to transition to the inner woman in you.

But that tingling Fading in and out moment of wondering by what it'd be like as a woman or what it would be like without the genitals of a man.

That moment that keeps coming in of what's my gender?

And the moment you realize that either way you ARE ATTRACTED TO GUYS.

I love masculine white twink boys who are vers.

That moment you realize without the male genitalia you won't be able to top a cute white boy's ass.

That moment you realize you have a cute spanoable twink bottom yourself and would love to be topped.

That moment you still don't know what your gender is after all these moments passing.

That moment you're giving up on trying to figure it out because the anxiety and depression from it is unbearably loathsome.

That moment you're secretly but high keyly hoping a cute white masculine vers twink boy messages you so we can start our polycule family with me as the focal point with more masculine vers twink white boys.

That moment you hope your application to become a porn model pays off and they accept you and your body for who you are so you can start your onlyfans and the rest of your life with showing the world that nudity is beauty.

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