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ichorai · 7 months

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hell, yeah ; roman roy ; part five (m).

pairing ; roman roy x f!reader

synopsis ; pain was an old friend for the both of you.

words ; 10.9k

themes ; angst, fluff, drama, slowburn, smut, childhood friends to lovers

warnings / includes ; depictions of mental and physical abuse, mentions of death, a lot of sexual/suicidal jokes and general foul language, a lot of business talk, unprotected penetrative sex, roman’s implied demisexuality, dick pics and weddings

a/n ; and that's the end of s3!

series masterlist. main masterlist.

Roman had gotten into the habit of sending you pictures of his dick every now and then. Apparently, having sexual intercourse with Roman also entailed an afterparty consisting of dick pics and filthy messages. Not that you weren’t enjoying them, he really had a pretty cock—but you were growing increasingly paranoid that people, maybe hackers, maybe curious coworkers looking over your shoulder, were going to find out about the salacious pictures and texts he’d been sending you. And how bad would it look to have people find out your boss was sending you pictures of his penis?

Maybe it was his way of getting you to stay. Really, it just translated to: Hey, look at my dick! Remember this? We fucked, do you remember that? Do you like it? Please tell me you like it.

You found it strangely endearing, in a way. A lot of emphasis on strange.

And now, as you were just settling into the lovely, spacious room in Italy for Caroline’s wedding, your phone buzzed in your pocket.

Another dick pic. How lovely. You smiled down at your screen as you replied with:

looking great ro :)

A second later, you asked: you going down for welcome drinks?

Yup, he texted back. I’ll come by.

Not three minutes later, he swung your door open without bothering to knock, peeking his head through. He was dressed in rather casual attire for a wedding event—pale blue slacks, a white shirt, and an unbuttoned canary-hued top.

“You dressing down as a way to tell your mom you don’t approve?” you queried as you smoothed down your own pantsuit, a soft shade of purple over a cream turtleneck.

“Fuck you. You look great, by the way. Like a jizzed-up grape,” Roman snorted, linking your arm with his when you stepped out. “I need to talk to her about getting a prenup—this Munion character is a walking fucking sinkhole. Shiv is being an avoidant bitch about it.”

A hum fell from your lips as the two of you began making your way downstairs and out to the gardens, where the event was taking place. “Shiv’s always been more prickly when it comes to Caroline. It’s a warped mirror to her, you know?”

“She’s my mom, too. I get it,” Roman said with a shrug. He didn’t, not really.

The two of you spotted Caroline chatting with Peter, and you nudged Roman into their direction. After pleasant greetings were exchanged (well, less pleasant on Roman’s end), you excused yourself from the rather tense atmosphere to go walk around and grab a few drinks and bites of food. You knew Roman would be confronting Caroline on the prenup and his distaste for Peter, and you really didn’t want to be around for that hot mess.

Instead, you found yourself engaged in a lovely conversation with a pretty, raven-haired woman about the last book you’ve read, genuinely interested in what she had to say. The joy was short-lived, however, because Shiv stormed up to you, only barely apologizing to the woman before dragging you away.

“What? What’s going on?” you asked, incredulous.

“Check Matsson’s Twitter. Jesus. What the fuck is going on, do you know? Is this a move of some sort?”

Pulling out your phone, you quickly opened up his profile, reading the latest tweet.

Going to Macau. Feeling lucky.

You narrowed your eyes. Soon enough, Gerri and Roman appeared, the former looking apprehensive and the latter in more denial.

“It could be nothing,” Roman said, which made Shiv narrow her eyes. “Fucking social media fireworks.”

“He’s always been one to tweet bullshit when he’s high off his ass,” you tried to reason, reading the five words over again. “Remember that time he said he was going to release his sex tape? That blew over in a few days.”

Clearing her throat, Gerri argued back, “Well, yeah, it could be bullshit. Or it could be him trying to up his price.”

“Is he just rocking the boat or is he trying to blow up the deal?” Shiv asked.

From behind his wife, Tom chimed in, “Maybe he’s just going to Macau, and he just happens to feel lucky.”

Roman stepped away to leave Matsson a voice message, because none of his calls were going through. You sucked in a breath, wondering if you wasted an entire evening at Kendall’s disaster of a birthday party just for Matsson to fuck you over the ass.

God, you hated him.

After sending a few messages, Roman popped up beside you. “I don’t know, he’s a fucking trickster. It’s nothing.”

“Mmkay, so is he going to steal our watches and saw the fucking deal in half?” Shiv deadpanned.

“Hm. Maybe,” Roman reluctantly drawled.

A frown pinched her lips thin. “You’re supposed to be inside this, Roman.”

“I am inside this. Leave it. Why don’t you go find someone else’s dick to tug on? Oh, sorry Tom, didn’t see you there.”

They were bickering like children, as they often did. Tom blinked in mild confusion.

“Hey, okay, why don’t we get in contact with his PR team instead of him? They’re supposed to be working with us on this. None of this should be leaking onto personal accounts until the deal is met,” you calmly said. Gerri nodded, sending message after message to Karolina to get on their asses.

Though, it was far harder to stay calm when Kendall approached the group, face sullen, his phone held out to show Matsson’s twitter. To your surprise, his head was now shaven.

“Matsson going nut-nut, huh?” It was said as if it was supposed to be a joke, but his voice was monotonous, and his exterior cold. “Keep a hold of that shit, bro.”

“It’s all under control, motherfucker,” Roman hissed. “And where are you off to? Going to go score some junk in Naples?”

Kendall didn’t show any reaction to that. “No, just our mother throwing me out of her party.”

“Oh,” Roman replied. “Nice.”

“Where are my kids?” Kendall asked, before wandering off to go search for them.

Rolling his eyes, Rome snickered, “What a surprise—Ken doesn’t know where his kids are.”

“SEC is going to be all over this,” Gerri said, shaking her head.

“Ooh, gummy love bite from the fucking toddlers. I’m so scared,” Roman scoffed. “I think he likes us, I do. I can feel it in my gut.”

Pulling a sour face, you told him, “I really don’t think we should be banking the future of the company on your gut, Rome.”

It was then that Matsson tweeted again. This time, it was just three emojis: a game controller, crossed fingers, and an eggplant.

“He’s fucking us,” you muttered, which made Roman’s head jerk in your direction.

“Nah, come on. Don’t be so paranoid—we’re good. I think we’re good!” Roman insisted.

Brows raised, Shiv asserted, “Yeah, well if he blows this deal, then who is left for us, exactly?”

Before Roman could reply, you all caught sight of Logan making his way through the crowd, Marcia hanging off one arm and Kerry trailing behind the two of them.

“Jesus. He really doesn’t give a single, solitary fuck, does he?” snickered Roman, gaze following after his dad.

Caroline wove through to stand in front of you and Shiv, inviting the two of you to the bachelorette party. Shiv fumbled with protests, but Roman had insisted she went. When Caroline looked to you expectantly, you nodded your head and told her you’d be there, but not without a reluctant glance in Roman’s direction, who rubbed your back in an almost consoling manner.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be spying on you guys with a pair of binoculars,” he leaned forward to whisper.

“Not creepy at all, Roman. You sure know how to charm me.”

Nearly an hour later, the bachelorette party set off a little ways away from the hotel. There were drinks, there was gossip, and there was laughter. By nightfall, the party began to fizzle away, and you were more than ready to head back to the hotel. Find Roman and rope him into sleeping next to you, like he often did.

Though, as you descended down the stairs of the building the bachelorette party was occupying, you weren’t all that surprised to see Roman leaning against the bannister, a rogue smile on his lips.

“Have fun up there?”

“Mhm.” You kissed his cheek once, then another time for good measure. He smelled like limes and expensive cologne. You liked the limes more than the cologne.

“Not too much fun, I hope.”

You snorted. “Were you waiting for me here?”

“No, I just really like loitering around Italian streets at three in the morning.”

There was a warm sort of feeling simmering within your chest. “It’s only eleven o’clock, Roman.”

“Close enough.”

Roman rather liked the way your hair had gotten a little more tousled as the night passed on. You muffled a yawn, leaning against him as the two of you set off for the hotel.

“Matsson?” you asked tiredly, voice hoarse with overuse.

“He left me a message—said the tweets were just fucking around. You were right. As always. Lawyers gave him the spooks—he’s flying back to Switzerland.”

You hummed again, pleased. “Good. You did good, Roman.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you told him, soft. “And what about your dad? How’s he taking it?”

“Gerri says Dad thinks Matsson is trying to fuck him. I don’t know. He’s just gotta ride it out,” Roman said, shrugging. “They want me to go save the deal. Go see him.”

“You’re leaving me alone in Italy?” you crooned, laughing slightly.

Without hesitation, Roman offered, “Come with me. Can get you away from Mumsie and her nosy little fingers.”

You pulled a wince. “Mmh, no thanks. Didn’t like the way Matsson eye-fucked me the entire time I sat near him at Kendall’s party. Don’t want a repeat of him getting distracted.”

“Good to know I didn’t just imagine that,” Roman murmured. His head drooped, hair dropping over his forehead.

There was a moment of silence, interrupted only by a few people passing by, cheering in broken Italian. Drunk party guests, you assumed.

“What’re you thinking? Like—is Matsson… is he good for us?”

“No,” you said, much quicker than Roman had expected. “I don’t like him. He’s a flight risk. But he’s big—it would be a huge fucking deal acquiring GoJo. As in, change the company fundamentally, kind of a big deal. Could be good for the company in the long run, maybe. I don’t see us working well with Matsson, though.”

Roman studied your side profile, eyes roaming the bridge of your nose, your drooping eyelids, your parted lips. It was dark, but the moon’s glow seemed to light up the most beautiful parts of you. Or maybe it was just the Italian air.

“Well, I guess we’re just gonna have to see.”

“Yeah.” You yawned again.

“Okay, yeah, come on, sleepy. I don��t have the arm strength to carry you there.”

Matsson wanted a merger of equals. You should’ve guessed, with how he was talking at Kendall’s party, not wanting another man’s shadow looming over him. And… asking about Logan’s death.

“I hate that guy,” you mumbled to Roman as the two of you walked to the meeting room, where Logan had called for everyone to assemble. “The nerve of him…”

“I think it’s off the table but… Gerri’s pressuring me to push the deal forward. I’m already so stressed I’m jerking dust.” He rolled his shoulders and frowned. “Think Dad’s gonna eat it?”

You spared him an unsure glance. “I mean, what other choice does he have?”

With a heavy sigh, Roman swung open the glass door and the two of you filed into the meeting room. Logan waved for you to take a seat. Around the table was Gerri, Kerry, Shiv, and Tom—Karl and Frank were on call, displayed on a big screen TV. You sank down beside Gerri, with Roman across the table from you.

“Now, before we get the whole circus here, I wanna get a sense of what’s going on,” Logan announced. “Is he a Twitter panty-flasher? Or is he a serious person?”

“Uh, well, he is a serious person,” Roman said, which earned him a disbelieving scoff from Shiv. “But, Dad, he thinks there’s value that hasn’t been priced in yet. He’s gunning for a merger of equals. So I guess that kills it, right?”

“What? A merger of equals?” Shiv parroted, staring at her brother as if he’d grown a second head.

“Well, yeah. He’s got, like, twelve of the prime Asian sports leagues under GoJo’s belt, and he’s gonna fold it all into the platform. Live sports, games, betting—it’s a fucking growth bomb.”

Narrowing her eyes, Shiv hesitantly broached, “Okay, but… fifty-fifty board, all stocks? Dad, what, splits control?”

“Yes, Siobhan,” Roman exasperatedly said. “That’s what he wants.”

Everyone looked to Logan, who was silent for a few moments. There was a contemplative look to his gaze.

“But the guy isn’t a fuckhead?” he asked Roman.

“Oh, no. The tweeting was a move.”

Logan leaned forward, resting his large hands on the table. “He’s not some big baby who shits for clicks?”

“No, Dad. He’s, uh, he’s—I know people, Dad. I’m a fucking people sniffer.”

Shiv was glaring at her brother, and you pursed your lips.

“Because I can win any round with a boxer fuck, but I don’t know how to knock out a clown,” Logan deadpanned.

“He’s not a clown, he’s a tough motherfucker,” Roman insisted. “It’s what you would’ve done, right? He just maximized his leverage.”

Still not happy with the whole ordeal, Shiv shook her head. “Yeah, but merger of equals? That sounds ridiculous!”

“No such thing,” Logan gruffed.

Tom, by his right, nodded in agreement. “Always a top dog.”

“Family stake will be seriously diluted,” Karl warned, his voice crackling on the call.

“Could be just an on-paper thing,” you added. “Real control rests on the family if we negotiate who gets board seats.”

“Yeah. We could still be the puppy-fuckers here,” said Roman. “I think Matsson would let us craft it so that we keep balance of the board. He just wants the freedom and the status. GoJo Royco, I mean, who gives a fuck? Let him have the logo, we take the wheel.”

Sensing her father was being swayed, Shiv finally caved. “I mean, it would be real-scale. It’s a legitimate way of staying relevant.”

Frank and Karl weren’t happy, seeing as a merger of equals would threaten their positions with newer, better replacements. You almost laughed upon seeing Frank’s pixelated, unsure features.

“Dad and Gerri, you guys would stay with your hands on the tiller. Their price rise is real! It’s a proper fucking streamer. Would save that sector of Waystar completely. The future is really boiled down to: movies, TV, music, games, sports, eSports, VR, AR, betting—fucking everything for everyone, and Matsson can get us there,” Roman argued.

With a slight dip of his head, Logan said, “We can’t afford to walk away now. This is our crutch. Must be worth a conversation, son. Call in the team. Let’s get the banker fucks on this.”

Roman grinned victoriously, his eyes meeting yours.

You smiled back, pulling out your phone to shoot him a text.

you’re a fucking champ rome

The GoJo bankers began to file in, and you put your phone away. Roman’s buzzed on the table, and he glanced down at the screen, beam unwavering. He shot you a sly look, before tapping his keyboard a few times, deciding now was a good time to send you the picture of his hard dick he’d taken early in the morning, while you were still asleep.

dinner to celebrate? eat this, fuckface

He watched you expectantly, but you were busy greeting one of the bankers, shaking her hand. And then, his father’s phone buzzed. Logan slid on his reading glasses, clicking on the new text notification from his son.

Dread sank down to the pits of his stomach once he realized what he’d done.

Oh, fuck.

Logan stared angrily at his son, who sunk further down on his chair. You were still chatting to the banker, but halted the conversation when Logan suddenly stood up.

“I need five,” he said.

And with that, he was gone. That was the quickest you’d seen him walk in a long time.

Shiv shot you and Roman a confused look, before following after him.

You excused yourself, too, rounding the table to put a hand on Roman’s shoulder. To your confusion, he seemed to jerk away from your touch.

“Hey, what—? Rome, what’s going on?”

He sucked in a breath, letting you pull him out of the meeting room. The two of you stood in the hallway, just a few feet away from the conference room Shiv and Logan had disappeared into.

“I maybe might have sent Dad a, uh, a picture of my dick,” Roman nervously said, scratching at the back of his head. His arms seemed to shake.

“Oh,” you replied, far too stunned to say anything else. “Were you… was it for…”

“Yeah. It was for you. Fuck.”

The two of you stared at each other.

“Will he… oh, Rome. Fuck.” You didn’t know what else to say. Logan wouldn’t hurt Roman with GoJo right in the next room, right?

But you weren’t so sure.

Inside the conference room, Shiv winced to her dad whilst handing his phone back, “Yeah, he sent you his dick by mistake.”

“Well, that was pretty obvious.”

“It was meant for Y/N,” she said. “He calls her fuck-face all the time.”

Logan’s brows furrowed. “Y/N?”

“Yeah, they’re… they’re weird with each other. Everyone knows. Frankly, I think it’s fucking disgusting.”

“Yeah? They fucking?”

Shiv spluttered for words. “I don’t really—I don’t—I mean—” She shook her head. “Regardless, this… this is grounds for a potential lawsuit. Boss sexually harassing his employee kind of situation.”

Logan took his glasses off. “Isn’t this Roman just being Roman? They’ve been good pals since babies.”

Shiv chose her words carefully. “No. No, Dad, I think this could be a potential problem. This could be bad for us, you know. Y/N could use this as blackmail if she wanted to. And Roman, he’s… he’s a loose canon. People say he used to get jerked off by his personal trainer.”

It was then that Logan bellowed Roman’s name so loud, the very walls seemed to shake. Roman flinched, and you gently patted his arms, urging him to go.

“Put in a good word for you,” Shiv told her twin as he hurried in.

Roman twisted his hands nervously, only barely managing to catch the phone that Logan angrily slid over.

“Are you a sicko?” Logan asked, voice harsh. “What is this? Why do you send them?”

“Jesus, Dad…” Roman sucked in a breath. “It’s just—you know, we’re… it’s like, here’s my dick, or whatever.”

His brows cinched. “What? Like a ‘fuck you’?”

“No, it’s just… people send each other pics of their dicks. It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal?”

“Yeah, it’s fucking normal. You ever heard of dick pics, Dad?”

Rolling his eyes, Logan retorted, “Well we do publish a number of popular newspapers, so yes, son. We probably invented the fucking words. But why?”

Roman’s mouth opened and closed. He shrugged. “I don’t know, Dad. It’s just something people do.”

“You have a problem, son?” Logan asked, watching Roman like a hawk would its prey. “What happened to that nice piece of tail you were with?”

“Uh, Tabitha? Yeah, she’s… she’s not really in the picture anymore. We had a few issues.”

Logan frowned. “She wasn’t messy. Y/N is messy. She’s a good girl, don’t get me wrong, but she’s messy.”

“Well, uh…” Roman shrank under his father’s glare. “I like her.”

“Oh, you like her? Fucking solves everything, doesn’t it? It’s one thing for you two to be plastered all over gossip tabloids. It’s another thing entirely for it to be real. And I don’t like things going on that I don’t know about.”

It didn’t go past Logan’s notice when Roman’s voice cracked a bit. “It’s all fine. Nothing’s going to happen. We’re… we’re friends.”

A terse second of silence. Roman worked a hand over his jaw.

“Go on. Fuck off.”

Roman made his way to the door. “So, what’s… what’s going to happen?”

“You end it. Or you fire her. Whichever is easier for you, son.”

A pained look crossed Roman’s features. “Well, uh, I’m not a radical feminist or anything, but I think, maybe, we shouldn’t fire her for getting pictures of my dick?”

“Then you end it.”

Roman cleared his throat. He lingered by the doorway as if he had something else to say, but he eventually turned on his heel and left the room.

Meanwhile, Shiv had beckoned you out of the hall to sit in a different room, her expression contorted into one of false security.

“What’d he say?” you asked her. “Is he… did he get a—?”

“Yeah. Roman’s dick. Real classy,” she replied, before beckoning you out of the hall to sit in a different room. “So… I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

You tilted your head. “Uh, yeah. It’s fine, Shiv, really.”

“Uh-huh. Has this kind of thing happened before?”

You studied her, eyes narrowed. “I don’t know. Can’t really remember.”

“Right, yeah, of course. But if it did… did you ask him to stop?”

Fed up, you held your hands out. “Listen, Shiv, I’m not going to give a statement to you. I wouldn’t jeopardize Roman or the company like that.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like you were welcoming these, right? Because that would be… an abuse of power on Roman’s end, wouldn’t it?”

You drew yourself back. “Roman and I are friends. Nothing happened.”

“Okay. Yeah, sure. Things are just really delicate right now. Can’t afford to fuck up, right? Do you want to make a formal complaint about this situation? You’re the victim here, Y/N.”

“Woah, uhm… can I have some time to think about it?”

Humming, Shiv nodded. “Of course. Just know that… you should really report this to HR. It’s a big deal, this.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Shiv.” You hesitantly turned away, biting down on the inside of your cheek anxiously. You stood out of the meeting room for a second, trying to compose yourself. Plastering on a professional smile, you swung the door open and stepped inside.

Late that night, long after the meeting had ended, Roman slipped into your room, making sure nobody was around to see.

He kissed you then, fingers cradling your face as if he was expecting you would crumble away right in front of him. When you pulled away, hands lightly pushing at his chest, he mumbled that he needed this.

And so you let him pull you apart. Kissing you, touching you, holding you.

Your clothes were gone at some point—you hadn’t even registered taking them off, and he guided you over his lap. You rode him then, slow and steady, his hands roaming over your sides. Your foreheads were touching, the both of your moans muffled into kisses.

It was much more intimate than the last time the two of you had sex—Roman shook beneath the pads of your fingers, rife with fear. Sex was fine, but intimacy… that scared him more than anything. But he felt safe with you. It felt right with you.

And, this time it didn’t feel like Roman had a point to prove.

He came first, his lips wrapped around one of your nipples, teeth sinking into the flesh of your breast, panting wetly against your skin. You were close to follow, shuddering against him, your hips slowly rocking to a grinding halt.

You left to clean yourself up a minute later, and came back to Roman sprawled over the bed, half-asleep.

You laid down beside him and brushed the hair away from his forehead.

“Dad told me to fire you,” he mumbled, almost slurring his words. “If I didn’t want to break up with you, that is.”

“Break up?” you echoed. “But we aren’t together.”

“Right. Sure, yeah.” He sounded hurt, but he wrapped his arms around you, nonetheless.

With no hesitation, you curled your leg up over his. “You gonna fire me, Romey?”

“No. You’re the only thing that makes sense in this fucking shitstorm.”

“Okay.” You pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead. You were never really worried on that end. “Then I guess we’ll just have to be less… open and affectionate in public. It’ll blow over eventually. We’ll fade away, and nobody’s going to care.”

Roman squeezed his eyes shut. “Okay.”

The two of you fell asleep like that, entangled in each other, dreaming of tooth necklaces and strawberry popsicles.

The next morning, you heard from Shiv that Kendall had nearly drowned himself in the pool while everybody was at the meeting, and he’d stayed over at the hospital overnight. At your worried expression, she reassured you that he was fine. One too many limoncellos, apparently.

To make matters all the worse, GoJo’s market cap had overtaken Waystar’s, and they were apparently also considering other options. Roman and Logan were off to go see Matsson to make sure he wasn’t pulling the plug. You mumbled a low good luck to Roman, not wanting to do or say anything else with his father watching the two of you like a vulture.

Hours later, when he returned, there was a slightly panicked look to his eye. He pulled you into the gardens, where it was mostly empty, save for an elderly Italian couple sniffing the roses a good distance away from you.

“No more merger of equals,” Roman hurriedly whispered to you, which made your eyes widen. “Matsson insinuated that GoJo eats Waystar—and he stays top dog.”

Your brows cinched. “What did your dad say?”

“Nothing. Told me to leave. But Matsson said he’d go with a handsome settlement.” The distress was clear across his features. “And where does that leave us? Fucking—kicked out to the curb with bread crumbs and cardboard boxes.”

“Jesus,” you breathed out. “Well… did he offer you an out?”

Roman ran a hand through his hair. “No. Just—just don’t tell Shiv, okay? We’ll stick to the merger of equals story.”

“Okay.” You placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing in what you hoped to be a comforting fashion. “C’mon. It’s time to face Mr. Poseidon. Shiv and Con are already waiting.”

“Poseidon, huh? And who does that make me? Hades?”

You arched a brow. “Hermes. Duh.”

The two of you made your way out of the gardens, to the fancy little tables Caroline had set up. Shiv and Connor were sitting near the balcony, bearing a particularly breathtaking view of the Italian countryside. Rolling green fields and slanted, multi-hued rooftops. It wasn’t too bad of a place to get hitched, you wistfully thought, shooting Roman a glance. If Shiv had noticed anything between the two of you, she didn’t say anything. To that, you were grateful.

He was explaining the merger of equals situation to his siblings (save Kendall, who still had yet to appear), and Connor grew angry with the fact that he wasn’t informed. He didn’t like Matsson, but for a wildly different reason than you.

“Okay, well, if you guys don’t mind, I’m a little churned up about my big brother trying to kill himself, so I can’t really think about that shit right now, thanks.” Roman made a high-pitched noise, before leaning forward and snatching a piece of garlic bread off of Connor’s plate. “I’m fucking starving. Can we get some more food here?”

“It’s a buffet, you dipshit,” Shiv told him.

Before Roman could get up to grab food, Kendall turned the corner, stiffly making his way to his siblings, and you. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of expensive, brown-tinted sunglasses, doing a great job of hiding the bags beneath his eyes. He hadn’t slept a wink at the hospital.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hello,” Roman chirpily greeted. Only Roman could somehow make the word hello sound sarcastic.

Kendall’s hands twitched at his sides. “So, what is this?”

“Take a seat,” Shiv said, and Connor patted the head of the empty chair beside him.

Kendall scoffed, but sat nonetheless.

“So,” Shiv started, looking awfully uncomfortable being somewhat emotionally open with her brother, “we just wanted to get together and let you know that… we love you.”

A soft breath, and a tilt of his head. “What?”

Connor nodded. “I love you straight up.”

“We care about you, Ken,” you added, feeling mildly guilty that the last time the two of you spoke, you were yelling at him about something as stupid as a popsicle.

“I suppose I don’t want you to die,” Roman lamented, pouring himself a glass of wine.

“What is this, guys? What’s the angle?” Kendall asked.

In a placating tone, Connor said, “No angle. We were just worried that you… consciously or subconsciously tried to… you know…”

“Are you trying to shut me down?” gruffed Kendall.

“Uhm, you kind of tried to kill yourself, dude, and that’s not cool?” Roman inputted, avoiding eye contact.

“I fell off an inflatable.”

Clearing your throat, you gently said, “You were drunk. And your kids were there. Comfrey had to fish you out. I heard that Soph was crying behind the rose bushes, Kendall.”

At his daughter’s name, Kendall’s face seemed to twist with an unmistakable sort of anguish. “Is this a fucking intervention? Why do you guys get to do an intervention on me?”

“Seriously?” Roman asked.

“No, well, maybe you need an intervention.” He gestured to Shiv. “You need an intervention, Con. You two need one, too.”

“Yeah, totally, but, like—you’re kind of the top of the pile, right now. We can do me tomorrow, yeah?” Roman said.

Shiv pursed her lips in agreement. “Suicides kind of jump the line.”

“I fell off my fucking floatie!”

“You’re an addict,” Shiv stated plainly. “You’re addicted to booze and to drugs and relationships and sex and work and family drama.”

The siblings decided to argue a bit more, until Connor, fed up, exclaimed that he was the eldest son, and that he loved all of you, and he’d proposed to Willa and nobody even bothered to congratulate him. Your face fell with guilt, but you didn’t try to stop him as he stormed away. The conversation died out after that, with Roman complaining that he was too hungry to think straight, leaving for the buffet table, and Kendall straight up leaving without even saying goodbye.

Not wanting to be left alone with Shiv, you shot Roman a message saying you’d be in your room, and left the table.

The wedding started two hours later. You’d managed to squeeze in a nice nap and a quick shower before, meeting Roman at the lobby with a refreshed smile.

“You look great,” he told you, genuine. His hands seemed to reach out for you, but he winced and pulled himself back. “Now that we’re not supposed to be all over each other, I suddenly have this inexplicable, caveman urge to raw dog you in front of everyone.”

Your lips twitched in amusement. “You are so romantic, Roman.” Careful not to draw attention, you bumped your hip into his, and the two of you began walking to Caroline’s wedding.

Shiv met you at the entrance, pestering Roman on where Logan was (which he clearly didn’t know himself), and also making several incessant japes about Roman’s lost chance to marry his mother. A part of you wondered if she was amping it up because you were there, as if to try to goad a reaction out of you.

“Well, I’m just worried about the prenup,” Roman hotly defended after Shiv made fun of him for not liking Peter Munion.

“She has a prenup, Rome,” Shiv said while rolling her eyes. “She had her lawyer look at it because she wants to keep the London flat Dad gave her.”

“What if he poisons her? Or pushes her down the stairs to get this flat he so desires?” Roman quipped, crossing his arms.

Shiv snorted. “Oh, yeah. And what if worse—he fucks her with his dick. Fucks her so good that she dies?”

A group of giggling children passed by, and you muttered a quiet apology to the parents glaring at the three of you.

“We should get going,” you told the twins. “Must be starting any minute now.”

They halted their quarreling for the time being, and followed you into the building.

The ceremony was delayed around half an hour—you suspected it was because Logan hadn’t shown up, and Peter Munion sure wanted to brown-nose some more—but it carried on without him. You wondered if Logan wasn’t here because of what Roman had told you.

GoJo eating Waystar. That would make headlines for a good few months.

After the ceremony came a lovely little banquet, decked with long white tables lined with sweet-smelling flowers, beautiful flutes of champagne and wine passed around. Waiters flitted to and fro like busy worker bees, serving up course after course. There were seventeen dishes total, you counted. Roman said there were actually eighteen—you missed one when you briefly disappeared for the bathroom.

“You don’t have a fucking clue where Dad is, do you?” Shiv prodded at Roman’s shoulder, and he shrugged her off.

“Just relax, will you?”

Connor came up to the three of you then, a wary smile on his face. You and Shiv took turns apologizing to him, wearing guilty expressions. He’d always had soft spots for the both of you.

“No, no, it’s okay. Forget about it.”

“Mhm,” Roman said. “Forgotten.”

“So, guess who’s getting married to the greatest gal in the world?” Connor announced, a wide smile overtaking his features.

You grinned, congratulating him with a hug, Shiv and Roman slapping their older brother on the shoulder. When you pulled away, Connor pulled up a shriveled little brown bulb out of his pocket.

“Oh, ew. What is that?” you asked, narrowing your eyes.

“It’s a dried penis from one of the great men in history, correct?” Roman postulated, poking it before wiping his hands onto you.

Pointing at it, Connor said, “This is maca root. It’s for Dad’s smoothie.”

“Mhm?” Shiv asked, not quite getting it.

“He’s working on his baby batter!” Connor reiterated. “Maca root, almond butter! Dad’s putting together a more adhesive, potent gloop.”

“Ew,” you said, grimacing. “He’s eighty fucking years old. The baby practically pre-ordered the daddy issues themself.”

Utterly confused, Roman asked, “Are you fucking with us right now? That’s disgusting!”

“No, I’m not! Look at all the walnuts he’s been munching! He’s gonna be rocking sperms like a little catfish.”

“Oh, my fuck. Dad’s scrambling the fighters,” Roman guffawed, batting away Connor’s hand when he waved the maca root closer to his nose.

With a final laugh, Connor clapped Shiv’s shoulder, before bidding adieu, in search of his now-fiance.

“We gotta find a way to kill this baby,” Roman muttered.

“Yeah, finally you’ve got a worthy adversary,” laughed Shiv.

It was then that Tom made his way to the three of you, his arm curled over her waist. You eyed the fluid motion, wishing you could have something of an open relationship like theirs. Though, you weren’t sure comparing yourself to Tom and Shiv was the best way to go.

Tom let it slip that they were planning on having a baby, too—but by freezing an embryo.

“Congratulations,” you told the two of them, though Shiv didn’t look all that happy.

Roman chortled and made a few jokes about how Tom would have to poop out his own baby, and you nudged him harshly.

“That’ll be your niece or nephew, you know. Just don’t be that weird, creepy uncle they avoid at family gatherings.”

“Can’t make any promises,” Roman whistled, though he fell silent when Gerri strode up to the three of you.

It was just as you thought. She’d heard Logan and Matsson were meeting with financiers—which meant Logan was going through with the flipped deal. GoJo swallows Waystar, Logan leaves with his pockets full, and everybody aboard the sinking ship is left to fend for themselves.

“Why would Matsson need financing for an all-stock deal?” Shiv asked, though she was beginning to get an inkling of what was truly happening on her own.

Gerri suggested splitting up to cover more ground. Roman would get Kerry, Shiv handled Marcia, Gerri tackled Frank, and you were left to call in a few of Roman’s lawyers to see if they could rifle through anything that could block Logan from plowing into GoJo full-steam.

“I think Frank and Karl are in Europe,” Roman told Shiv, his phone pressed to his ear. “It’s got the fucking Euro ring.”

“What?” Shiv demanded. “Rome—are we being fucked right now?”

Roman hung up once Karl lied straight through his teeth that he was in America. Just before, he’d seen Gerri and Kerry speaking to each other in hushed tones, before Gerri quickly walked away. Was Gerri knifing him, too?

He turned to stare at you, speaking to his lawyers on the phone about voting power for the next CEO.

“Okay, well, I should probably tell you,” Roman said, scratching at the back of his head. “Matsson did float, just as an idea, that maybe they’d buy us.”

There was a momentary pause. Shiv’s eyes flared wider, her lips pinching tight. “Right. And what did Dad say?”

Roman shrugged. “Fuck off!” he said, in his best Logan imitation.

“Mhm. And he stuck around?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he did.”

Abruptly, Shiv shoved him so hard that Roman stumbled back into a table. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this earlier?” She stomped off then, making her way to Kendall, moping by the edges of the gardens.

You hung up the phone, walking back to Roman. “Dead ends. They’re going to have to look through fucking everything—signing heir contracts, settlement conditions, the divorce clauses. Might be something there that gives the three of you a hand on the steering wheel.”

“Great.” Roman sucked at his teeth, hesitant. “Hey, as it turns out, I don’t think I can trust Gerri.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, and—I can trust you, right?” He scuffed the grass with the heel of his expensive boot, anxious.

The two of you stared at each other for a long moment. Man and woman, microphone and stand, dog and chew toy. You ran your tongue along the back of your teeth.

“I love you, Roman. You know that,” you told him, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“Okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I trust you.”

“Hurry the fuck up!” Shiv yelled, startling the two of you away from each other. She began making her way around the building, towards the deserted back, where nobody was around to hear what the four of you were discussing. Slow on her heels was Kendall, dragging his feet along glumly.

You and Roman were only barely able to exchange comforting glances, before hastening after her.

“Okay, so—Dad is doing us dirty, right?” Shiv said, a tad too loud for your comfort, seeing as there were wedding guests only around the corner.

“Can you not make it a whole thing?” Roman protested, nose wrinkling. “We actually don’t—we don’t know anything yet. Matsson pitched to Dad the idea of them eating us, but I think he was just flying a kite.”

“Financing wouldn’t be there if it was just Matsson jerking off. Karl and Frank wouldn’t have bothered unless it was real. You know that, Roman,” you said.

The man merely raised his tense shoulders, kicking at a rock on the sandy ground. “Dad kind of shut it down,” he replied.

“He kind of shut it down?” pressed Shiv. “A moment ago, you were telling me that he told you to fuck off!”

Frowning, Roman told his sister, “Well, I didn’t keep track of the exact number of expletives he used, Siobhan. Okay? I’m not a fuckometer.”

There was a crackling silence for a few seconds. Kendall wasn’t facing the three of you, opting to stare away into the distance, hands propped on his hips.

“Our market caps have tipped,” Shiv vehemently put forth. “The local town’s been bought out by a new set of advisors. Something has flipped!”

It was clear that Roman was the only one still clinging onto his father’s leg. He watched you and Shiv with scrutinizing eyes. “Dad would never sell, would he? Hey, asshole, Dad would never sell, right?” Roman directed the question to Kendall.

Kendall’s shoulders moved just a tiny bit, barely a twitch. “I don’t know,” he muttered.

“I see him doing it if the buy-out settlement is large enough,” you said, expression grim. “A handful of billions in his pocket, and he’d walk off satisfied.”

“But Dad… he…” Roman itched at the back of his head. “What about us?”

“Okay, yeah, the question is—would we get fucking protection?” Shiv demanded, as if the three of you had answers to give her.

Kendall looked up at the bright Italian sun. He was feeling thirsty.

“Can you guys just do this without me?” he asked, voice dejected. “I can’t—I don’t really wanna get into it.”

Narrowing her eyes in suspicion, Shiv hurled out an accusation, “Wait a minute, Ken. Do you—you have an angle on this? Are you speaking with Matsson?”

Kendall laughed. He paused for a second, thinking on Shiv’s words some more, before laughing again. Then, he sank to the sandy ground. There were sharp rocks poking his legs, a fine layer of dust coating his ass and the back of his thighs.

“Is he okay?” you whispered to Roman, who just shook his head and murmured something you couldn’t quite catch under his breath.

“Ken, can we just talk?” Shiv asked.

“Shiv, I’m not here,” he said. His knees pulled up to his chest, and his head rested upon them.

He wasn’t okay, that was plainly clear. Tentative, you took a step forward, exchanging uneasy glances with Shiv. The redhead crouched down and soothed a comforting hand over her older brother’s back. You kneeled in front of Kendall, uncaring of how dirty you were getting your pants. Lingering a little farther back was Roman, stressed out of his mind, studying the three of you contemplatively.

“Hey, you okay?” Her voice was far more soft this time around.

Kendall shook his head, a heavy exhale slipping past his slightly-chapped lips. The familiar sting of salt welcomed the corners of his eyes.

“Talk to us, Ken,” you said, your shoe nudging his.

His mouth trembled. “There’s something really wrong with me. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“Uh, well… it’s okay, Ken…” Unsure, Shiv looked up to you.

“I just—I’m not feeling very connected to my children or my endeavors right now. And, uh, I can’t get one thing right with another, you know?” His voice broke near the end. A warble, a shake, a lilt.

Roman stepped closer. To anyone who didn’t quite know him, he looked as if he was angry. But you knew—you knew that that was concern splayed across his features. He was worried for his big brother.

“Kendall, we can get you help,” you tried to reassuringly say.

“But I can’t,” he replied, on the verge of tears. “I don’t know what happened. I tried to do something. I tried, I really did. Really.”

For better or worse, Roman attempted to diffuse the tension by saying, “I know, man. You fucked it.”

You and Shiv glared at him, while Kendall merely laughed. It was painful and grating. His throat ached.

“I took a shot, but it’s like it didn’t matter,” he said.

“It’s just business, okay?” Roman told him, trying to downplay the situation. “We’re all fucked. Everything just sort of got… mixed up.”

When Shiv stood up, her legs aching, Kendall’s eyes slid shut. “I thought I had an out. I could see it—I could see the way markers, and I thought I could, out of all our shit, I thought I could take us all out of it. I tried, guys. I did.”

Roman hummed. Shiv stayed silent. You watched him, pensive.

“I don’t know,” said Kendall. “I’m not a good person.”

“Well, whatever,” Roman said, miffed. “You’re… fine.”

“I’m… I’m bad.”

A few tense, sparse chuckles. Roman shot you a confused look, as if to say, is he for real?

“Lighten up, glum-glum,” Rome said.

Kendall blinked down at the sand. “I killed a kid.”

“Hm?”

“What?” you quietly asked. What was he talking about?

Shiv laughed a bit, wondering if this was all an elaborate joke. After all, it was hard to take anything Kendall did seriously after his disaster of a birthday party.

“I killed a kid,” Kendall repeated.

“Like… metaphorically?” you queried.

“No, I… I killed a kid. And, yeah, they’re… they’re coming for me. They’re gonna come for me.”

Your mouth fell open and shut, shocked and uncertain of what to do, what to say.

“Is this—?” Shiv looked around wildly. “Is this real? What the fuck?”

There was a sharp inhale. A warm breeze blew by, and Kendall found himself swallowing around what felt like dust. Glass shards. All the same.

“At your wedding,” he said.

“What?” Shiv asked, voice hardened.

“Horseshit,” said Roman, though he knew it, deep down, none of it was horseshit.

Rapidly, Kendall blinked. “The kid. That kid.”

“Uh, you mean the… the waiter kid?” Shiv clarified.

A soft, nearly horrified exhale slipped from you. “That was you?” you asked, voice much smaller than it had been only minutes ago.

“I was high,” he began to explain, miserable. “I was trying to score, and I was drunk, I was fucked up, and I drove. He saw something and he snatched at the wheel. We went into the water.” His voice trembled. “And then I left him in there and I ran.”

“Uhm, okay, we gotta… we gotta get you inside,” Shiv started, but Kendall’s shoulders began to shake.

His head lowered further. “It’s fucking lonely,” he quietly sobbed. A tear fell down his cheek, slipping into his mouth. “I’m all apart.”

You weren’t quite sure what to do, so you reached out and kept a steady grip on one of his knees. It grounded him, in a way, because his sobs seemed to dullen after a few seconds.

“I mean, if it pleases the court,” Roman began to say, which made your stomach roil in fear of what other abrasive comment he might spit out, “it sounds like you didn’t really kill him. Sounds to me like… he killed him.”

Your brows cinched. Kendall ran away from the kid and drove under the influence, which made him largely at fault. But you also knew it wasn’t… wholly on his shoulders. It was an accident, first and foremost. Besides—what choice did he have than to keep quiet, with his tail pressed beneath Logan’s thumb?

“Rome, I’m a piece of shit, man,” Kendall sniffled, shaking his head.

“The road and the water killed him,” offered Roman. “That’s what it sounds like.”

“What he’s trying to say,” you interjected, voice slow and placating. “Is that it was an accident.”

“Yeah, seriously. You crashed, and then, what? You ran?”

“No, I mean… I tried to get him. I dived a few times.”

Roman spread his arms out a bit. “See? That… that sounds like the story of a hero to me. That’s more than I would’ve fucking done. Seriously, I would’ve been out of that water like a tabby cat from a bath.”

Pained laughs from Kendall filled in the space between the four of you, which dissolved into cries. “Don’t, man. I’m… I’m a killer.”

Scoffing, Roman groaned out, “Fuck you. Come on, bullshit. At worst you’re an… a fucking irresponsibler. Okay? You’re bigging yourself up.”

“I don’t know, you guys,” Kendall hiccupped. “I’m blown into a million pieces.”

“Okay, uhm, we gotta get you out of here,” Shiv said, rubbing his shoulder.

“We could bring him back to the chapel,” Roman offered. “Stuff him into a confessional. That might fix him.”

It was then that your phone started ringing, the lawyers calling you back. You gently apologized to the siblings, before stepping away and answering. Not long after you, Shiv’s phone began to ring with Laird’s caller ID, and she pulled off, as well. Leaving just the two brothers.

Roman sank down to sit beside him. He tried, and failed, to comfort him. But he succeeded, too. Somehow.

“I’m sorry,” Kendall croaked.

Wincing, Roman said, “You know, one waiter down makes a bit more sense. Took me forever to get a fucking drink at that wedding.”

“Please, man, I can’t—”

“Yeah, no, I’m just saying. Who’s the real victim here, you know? I waited three quarters of an hour for a gin and tonic.”

Both you and Shiv hung up your calls at the same time, making your way back to the brothers.

“You first,” you told Shiv. “What’s Laird know?”

She nodded. “He was inside the deal, then got cucked out of the lead. He’s bitter and bleating. GoJo buys Waystar. They pay a premium, Dad cashes out—cash and stock, maybe a title and a few assets, but it’s Matsson’s fucking board.”

“Can we trust that? Is that even real? Laird is a fucking prick. I know this—I was stuck as a hostage with him pissing buckets next to me,” Roman spat.

“Look, Kendall, I know you’re in a tough spot right now, but we have to talk about this now. I’ll call the car. Let’s just get the fuck out of here,” Shiv said.

The eldest of the four burst into another raucous sob. Roman got up from the ground and placed his hands on his brother’s shoulders, squeezing. Shiv palmed his buzzed head. You took your previous spot, crouching down in front of him and patted his kneecaps.

No more words were exchanged about the accident. It was time for war.

“What’s your news?” Roman asked. “My lawyers?”

You offered them a small, bitter smile. “There might be a gun in this knife-fight.”

In the car, you explained to them how the lawyers had found a clause in the extensive divorce settlement between Logan and Caroline: the kids would have veto power to any changes in company control.

If all the kids objected, there was legally no way Matsson could buy Waystar.

The siblings were reunited on the same side for the first time in what felt like decades. Despite this, Roman still felt uneasy about the whole ordeal.

“These are still all just rumors,” he said from beside you. “So I’ll have to talk to Dad alone first.”

Indignant, Shiv scoffed. “You think you’re close to him? You’re just his little rat fucker.”

“I’m just saying, as a matter of fact, that Dad and I have been working closely lately and I don’t want to go in too aggressive,” he heatedly defended. “I’m not busting in there crying Team Shiv, okay? We don’t know how this is going to play out yet.”

“You think Dad is protecting you?” Shiv hissed. “No, we let Matsson take control, that is Dad slamming the door! It means he doesn’t think that we will, can, or should take over.”

“All this time he’s spent braying about family,” you whispered, staring out at the rolling Italian fields flashing past. “And he’s the one who drives the knife in.”

Roman bit down on the inside of his cheek. “I just don’t think we should be aggressive. Can we even actually stop him with this one clause?”

“Yes,” Kendall said. “A change of control needs a super majority in the holding company. He’d need us to agree to it.”

“Exactly,” you said. “Just one of you, it wouldn’t work. That’s why he wasn’t threatened when it was just Kendall. The three of you, though… that’s the golden goose.”

Roman nodded, uncertain. “Right, well. I’m not sure I want to pull a move like that. Maybe I just… I stick with what I got.” He looked at you, expecting your support on this, but you pointedly pursed your lips.

Shiv gritted her jaw. “Which is what, exactly? A hard drive full of dick pics you send Y/N? Where exactly do you think we fit on Matsson’s new org chart, Rome?”

In a calmer voice, Kendall said, “He’ll gut you like a pig, Rome.”

Roman’s brows knitted together.

“Rome, you know Dad is never going to choose you because he thinks there’s something wrong with you,” Shiv said. “I’m sorry, but maybe it’s time we said these things to each other. Instead of just airing it out to Vanity Fair.”

There was a roll of his eyes, but you could tell that her words hit close to home. A home he never felt safe in, perhaps.

“Hey, Rome,” you said, taking his hand, uncaring that Shiv and Kendall were there to see. They’ve seen far worse, after all, and you were nearly certain they already knew what was going on between the two of you. “You might not have a place beneath Matsson. You know that, right? And… and neither would I, I don’t think.”

This seemed to tip the scales over for him. The thought of not having the company to keep you close by his side anymore—to tether you to him—made him far more scared than he cared to admit.

Finally, Roman tentatively broached, “The holding company move… if we do that, that’s real?”

“He can’t sanction a deal without us. That’s legal fact,” Kendall said. “Block him and he’s fucked.”

With an air of finality, Shiv said, “Okay, we just rip the band-aid right off. Push him out. Get him on his own, say it was his urinary tract at the shareholder meeting—say he’s out of it. He’s fucking a twenty year old, and he’s planning for babies in jars. He’s gone loopy, and he’s tried to sell the shop while fucking his assistant. If we tell the board all that, he’s toast.”

“Burnt,” you agreed.

“Full coup,” Kendall said.

“Yeah. We have, say, Ken, chair? Rome or me, CEO? The other, COO, or whatever they want—studios, movies, TV. Equal.” There was a hopeful glint to her eyes. “Y/N takes CFO, maybe director of operations, maybe president of relations. Whichever floats your boat.”

You were quite happy with your quaint little title as general branch manager, but you nodded along to Shiv’s words, not wanting to argue with semantics.

“Okay, but really equal. Like, actual equal. If we do this, I don’t want you two cunts trying to big-brother me out of my fucking piece, okay? And I want the dick pic stuff with Y/N cleared. We do shit like that. We like each other, alright? Deal with it.”

Shiv eyed you warily, but found herself in no position to turn him down, especially not with him in such a precarious position. You shot Roman a flattered smile, squeezing his hand. This was the most open Roman’s been about his relationship with you… ever.

“We can fight all the details out,” Shiv reassured. “It’ll… it’ll be fun.”

The siblings laughed, genuine and chesty.

“Oh, fuck,” Roman breathed out. For a second, it seemed like his eyes seemed to glass over, but it was gone with his next blink. “I do think that, even though this literally makes me want to vomit and I wanna kill you both every day and it’s all going to end horribly… I do think that we—puke—could make a pretty good team.”

“So how do we feel about killing Dad?” Shiv asked.

Kendall smiled. “Pass me the fucking shotgun.”

By the time the four of you reached Logan, the sun had only barely set, and a heavy sort of darkness started stealing away the clouds. The rooms were full to the brim and bustling about with a frantic atmosphere. Lawyers and financiers and other powerful figures from the companies flitting to and fro.

Logan, however, was in a separate room. Empty, save for the few people at the very top.

He called for the four of you to come in, all false smiles and honeyed tones.

“Hey. Hi, everyone,” Roman greeted, high-strung. “We’re just feeling a little out of the loop, Dad.”

“Oh, of course. Things have moved very fast, yes. Sit down, all of you.”

None of you sat down, but Roman stood across the table from his dad. “So, yeah, we’re, uh… we’re hearing some rumors about GoJo?”

“We heard that we might be the target now,” Shiv said in a far colder tone in comparison to her brother. “Is that right, Dad?”

Logan nodded once. “Okay. I’ve been looking at a few options.”

“Right. We might be affected with our positions, so we just wanted to get some clarity,” Shiv said.

A harsh glare was sent in Kendall’s direction. “Absolutely, but do you mind not with him in here giving me the fucking doggy-evils? Can you take him out, Romulus? I’ll fill in your sister and give you the angles.” Logan gestured vaguely at his second-eldest son. “I don’t trust him.”

Roman swallowed uneasily, unmoving.

Logan stared at him expectantly. “Roman?”

“You can tell us together, Dad,” Kendall said.

“I thought we had this figured out,” Logan deadpanned, fixing his angry glare onto Roman instead of Kendall.

Five different emotions seemed to flash across Roman’s face at once. “Yeah, no, we just… it might be better. If all of us heard.”

A steady breath. Finally, Logan acquiesced. “Okay. The market capitalizations of our firm have been on the move. Ours is a declining business. There’s a wave of consolidations happening, and that means this is the optimal moment, in my opinion, to make a deal with a serious tech operation like GoJo. That’s what I’ve been exploring, okay?”

Shiv stiffly put forth, “Okay, so, I would like to say, on behalf of all of us, can you ease up and let us in? Stop this until we see how exactly we’re impacted?”

“No, it has to be now,” Logan said.

“An hour to negotiate positions wouldn’t hurt,” you said, far icier than you were anticipating to be.

Logan leveled his gaze with you, simultaneously curious and angry. “Aren’t you supposed to be fired? Or did Romulus have the balls to fucking sever things?”

You reared back a step, teeth gritted. Roman sucked in a cold breath.

“Why does it have to be now?” Shiv demanded.

“Because I can feel it in my bones,” said Logan. “And, at the end of the day, it’s all I fucking got.”

Shiv angrily narrowed her eyes. “Well, you know that’s bullshit.”

“Look, this is the best moment to sell. If I don’t do the best deal at any given point, what’s the point of anything? I don’t get out, I leave five billion on the table,” the father explained.

“Come on, Dad. What are you gonna do with the five bil?” Kendall prodded. “Huh? Put it on your pile with all your other fucking bil?”

Logan frowned and nodded. “Mhm. Probably.”

“And what are we supposed to do?” Kendall asked.

“Make your own fucking pile,” hissed Logan. Then, after taking a pause to collect himself, Logan continued, “I know this is an adjustment, but our blood’s in the water and I need to make moves fast in order to control the situation and get myself and all of you assurances in the future.”

“Assurances?” Shiv echoed. “Once Matsson is calling the shots, we’re fucked!”

A dismissive wave of his hand. “No, nah. He rates you. And this is an opportunity for you kids to get an education in real life.”

“With you at the top, we can take over, but without you, we’re fucked,” Shiv said. The brothers stood side by side, quiet.

Abruptly, Logan stood up from his seat. “Come on, Roman. Let’s get away from these Jacobins. I’ve got you. We can discuss this.” Roman looked to you, and Logan clocked the exchange. “Y/N, my dear. We’ll work you in, of course. You are such a valuable asset to the company. The glue, as I recall all the papers we publish calling you.”

You stepped closer to Roman, putting a hand on his elbow.

This spurred him into saying, “Hey, look, Dad, I know what Matsson said, I was there. But, uhm, with Matsson calling the shots, we’re… we’re strung up in the town square.”

“No!” Logan asserted, making his way closer, standing less than an arm’s length away from Roman. “He likes you! You have my word. This is an opportunity son. A bit of fucking grit. Adversity, like me. You can trust me.”

These days, Logan Roy’s word seemed to mean very little. It was his money that held the power.

“You can’t trust him,” Shiv said, voice straining.

Roman’s hands shook. “Uhm…” His voice went all soft, almost a husky whisper. “We’re here to say, to ask, please… do not do this.”

Logan tilted his head. “And what if I decide not to listen to you?”

“We can stop you,” Shiv said. “And we will. Blow this up.”

“Kids have voting power over company control,” you told your godfather. “From the divorce.”

“Yeah,” agreed Shiv. “You need all of us. You need a super majority, and we can kill it.”

This time, Logan yelled, voice bellowing. “You’re playing toy fucking soldiers!” Roman flinched back into you, and you rubbed your thumb along the inside of his forearm. “Go on! Fuck off, all of you! I have you beat! You f—morons!”

Nose twitching with contempt, Shiv protested, “Well, no, because you need a super majority—”

Logan roared out a mocking imitation of Shiv’s voice, somehow still terrifying. He sighed then, pulling a hand over his weary features. He turned, asking Kerry something. Something you didn’t quite catch.

Then a phone was being pulled out, and you heard Caroline’s voice crackling through the line.

A heavy pit sunk down your stomach. It clicked for you before it clicked for the siblings—mostly because they were probably in such heavy denial.

Caroline had renegotiated the divorce agreement, effectively robbing the children of their say. Their voices. All three of their faces fell, crestfallen, as the weight of the realization slammed into them.

Shiv seemed the angriest of them, muttering expletives and yelling angrily at her mother through the phone. Caroline apologized, saying it was for the best, but she wouldn’t hear a single word of it. The call was hung up a second later.

“Dad,” Roman said, disrupting the eerie, tense silence. “Please?”

He was a child asking for a dog again. He was a teenager asking to come home from military school again. He was a young adult asking for his dad to stop hitting him again.

“Please?” Logan parroted, almost disbelieving.

“Please,” he repeated, voice breaking.

“The seat sniffer gets a fucking leg up,” his father scoffed. “That’s a deal. What have you got in your fucking deck?”

“What have I got?” Roman asked. He reached back so the hand you had rested on his elbow laced with his. “I don’t know. Fucking… fucking love?”

When Logan repeated that word—love—it sounded so childish on his tongue. So frivolous and fanciful, as if it couldn’t possibly exist.

“You come for me… with love? You bust in here, guns in hand, and now you find they’ve turned into fucking sausages. You talk about love?” He worked a hand over his jaw. “You should’ve trusted me.”

Tears filled Roman’s eyes. “Dad, why?”

“Why?” Logan swept his gaze over his children, his goddaughter. “Because it works. I fucking win.

A beat of unbearable silence. Your nose stung, a familiar sensation.

“Go on, go on. Fuck off. You nosy fucking pedestrians.”

A wave of nausea rolled over Roman. He called out for his father as Logan stormed off, disappearing behind the doors. Then, he rushed over to ask Gerri to help them out, as Shiv stressed on who had tipped Logan off that they were on their way to see him.

Gerri dismissed Roman, brushing him off as if he were a bread crumb on her jacket. Tom arrived then, asking if his wife was okay. Shiv seemed to piece something together that you didn’t quite understand yet.

Roman sank to the ground, and Kendall put his hands on his brother’s shoulders, just as Roman did for him hours ago. You sat down beside him, your side pressed up against his.

“I want to go home,” Roman muttered. “This was all for nothing. It meant nothing.”

“Okay, Rome,” you whispered in return. “We’ll go home.”

#roman roy x reader #roman roy fanfiction #roman roy smut #roman roy fluff #roman roy series #roman roy ff #roman roy angst #roman roy x you #roman roy fanfic #succession roman #succession roman x reader #roman roy #succession fanfiction #succession x reader #roman roy imagine

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matan4il · 5 months

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Daily update post:

This morning, 15 minutes after the break in fighting was supposed to begin, Hamas fired two rocket barrages into southern Israel. This is what we mean when we say that Hamas has broken every ceasefire ever. The only reason why this didn't lead to the hostage deal falling apart, is because Israel chose to "contain" Hamas' violent rocket attack. But remember this when we explain why we can't accept Hamas' existence anymore.

Israel confirmed that the 13 hostages being released have arrived in Egypt, and there are already Israelis there, taking care of them. IDK when we'll get their names, and images of them safe back in Israel, but as you can imagine, everyone here is holding its breath for that. Still, their well being comes first, they're being taken to a hospital first, to see their families, and only then (and based on whatever they prefer) will there be anything more public. There will not be interviews, however, 'coz something they say might risk the other groups of hostages meant to be released in the upcoming days.

Hamas is also releasing some of the Thai nationals they've kidnapped (I heard 12 of the 23 taken hostage), which are being let go of unconditionally. Before anyone tries to make out this shows Hamas is humane, I'll just point out that Hamas terrorists murdered at least 33 Thais on Oct 7.

Some of my fave commentators recently on what's going on here since Hamas' massacre aren't Jewish, or even Israeli. Here's a few of their tweets:

Regarding the last one, I just wanna say that most Israelis will continue to trust most Arabs. That's just how we have always lived, despite the on going terror attacks. The day after Oct 7, I mentioned that I went to my hospital treatment. The guard there is an Arab guy. He carries a gun. I couldn't help but think about it. And then I did what I always do, I thanked him for his work (being a guard is difficult), and wished him a good day. He smiled big and wished me the same. He's lovely. What Hamas did on Oct 7 is not his fault. But the mistrust of survivors, and some of those who care about them, is also very human and understandable, as much as I'll continue to call on everyone not to generalize about Arabs, or any group.

Especially when some of Hamas' victims are themselves Arabs. Here's a young Israeli Muslim Bedouin woman, who has been speaking up on behalf of her friend, 17 years old Aisha al Ziadna, who was kidnapped by Hamas on Oct 7.

A Sky News reporter was particularly shameful the other day. She tried to use Israel's willingness to release 3 convicted terrorist per just 1 innocent civilian hostage to vilify Israel. Here's the reply she got:

Just a reminder, once again, that when you listen to western media, which is supposed to be objective, these are often their info sources on this conflict:

Speaking of lack of objectivity, an Israeli newspaper found out that the International Criminal Court has appointed a Danish lawyer to investigate the Israel-Hamas war, and it's a man (I'm not sure I'm transcribing his name from Hebrew correctly, but it should be something like Andreas Laursen) who has worked in the past for a Palestinian "human rights organization" which has been outlawed in 2021 for having ties to terrorist organizations, who was involved in 2018 in trying to make the case that Israel had committed war crimes, who has lived in the Palestinian city of Ramallah, and who is married to a Palestinian woman. This Israeli newspaper has contacted the ICC, asking why the person appointed to this investigation isn't someone who would at least appear to be unbiased. The answer was (I'm translating from the Hebrew article): "We maintain confidentiality about anything that pertains to specific subjects that are related to our employees. Every personal decision made by the head prosecutor fits the policy and relevant procedures that oversee the court's human resources matters."

Because there are still people denying the Hamas rapes:

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I've spoken before about Liel, and how long it took to identify her body, but this tweet kind of broke me all over again.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

#israel #israeli #israel news #israel under attack #israel under fire #israelunderattack #terrorism #anti terrorism #antisemitism #hamas #antisemitic #antisemites #jews #jew #judaism #jumblr #frumblr #jewish #Instagram

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pessimisticpigeonsworld · 3 months

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Watching this video essay about Yellowjackets and somehow HOTD came up and I saw the tweet and I roll my eyes so hard

Uh. Yeah. Bc she uses the faith (basically Catholicism or Christianity) to act as this pious queen when she is paying maids to keep their mouths shut about her own son raping them.

And she didn't just hang up some four pointed stars, if I remember, she REPLACED, the targs sygils with the faith of the seven stuff.

Alicent stans just love to forget her fanaticism until they can use it to make her look more pathetic. I have to say, accusing Rhaenyra of religious fanaticism is a new to me lmao. I've only ever seen people call her a godless whore, but I'm not on X, so maybe I've been spared.

Targaryen antis don't seem to grasp just how much of the Valyrian culture the Targaryens have given up for the sake of Westeros. Calling the Valyrian wedding ceremony an "arcane marriage ritual" is not only insulting to the Valyrian culture but also completely hypocritical.

Valyrian culture was steeped in magic, they themselves have magic in their blood. Is it any surprise their marriage customs would be the same? That's like expecting the Starks' ceremonies to happen separate from the Old Gods. The Targaryens have given up their gods, most of their magic, their language, and their marriage traditions. They never forced other people to follow their traditions, they never forbade following the Faith and the Old Gods, they fucking conformed as much as possible aside from the incest, which was the only way they know to preserve the last bit of Valyria's magic.

Alicent wouldn't be seen as a religious extremist if she didn't actively repress and hate other religions. She badmouths the Valyrian traditions, not just the incest, but also their love of dragons and their art. She removes all the Valyrian and Targaryen heraldry and artifacts and replaces them with the the symbols of a religion known for being intolerant and repressive.

As I said earlier, the Valyrian culture is dying out and the Targaryens have given up so much of their mother land. Removing the last pieces of someone's culture just because you follow a different religion is fucked up. Alicent isn't even the actual ruler or a Targaryen, it's not her place to choose to abandon their Valyrian heritage while her husband is too sick to interfere.

But the real issue of Alicent's actions are her motivation. She doesn't actually care about morality and her own religion, she cares about supporting Aegon and undermining Rhaenyra. That's why she criticizes Valyrian incest then turns around and forces Helaena to marry Aegon. That's why she calls Jace and Luke savages when her own son bullies his siblings constantly and later rapes women. That's why she harps on about honor and decency while actively protecting and covering up the actions of a rapist, a murderer, and a kinslayer. That's why she removes the Valyrian heraldry while Rhaenyra is gone and replaces them with the symbols of the Faith.

She's literally the definition of the hypocritical woman for Trump. She harps on and on about morals then turns around and does reprehensible things for her own gain. She complains constantly about a culture different from hers and actively tries to remove its influence. She hates people who don't conform to her ideas.

Alicent isn't a good person, period. She's a hypocrite, constantly upholds the patriarchy, sacrifices others for the sake of her interests, and is xenophobic. The efforts to take her flaws and project them on other characters, usually Rhaenyra, by her stans is ridiculous and really shows how little they actually like her character. They like her aesthetic and the idea of a perfect suffering victim.

#anti alicent hightower #anti alicent stans #anti team green #team black #house of the dragon #anti team green stans #anti rhaenyra antis #rhaenyra targaryen

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chaifootsteps · 3 months

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Hey Chai, and others who have come to the defense of him, and making valid points against Vivienne.

I know I thanked you privately for this, but I want to thank everyone else who has publicly gone on Twitter and YouTube and Threads to make valid cases against Viv.

Trigger warning for CSA, noncon, rape, bondage, etc. down below. I'm going to come out with a brief version of one of my stories.

It relates to Viv, I promise. I'm sorry this is going to be long.

I'm a CSA victim. I have been abused by men and women.

Both have been sexual and nonsexual. With my experience with a woman, it was my caregiver at the time, and I was 14 years old. I started getting periods and she signed me up for swimming lessons. I made the mistake of telling her I didn't want to go that night because of my period.

She told me that "Those lessons cost a lot of money. You're going. You need to put a tampon in."

I went to the bathroom and tried, but I hated it because at the age of 12, I was raped by my 15 year old "step" brother. Not to mention, I am just very sensitive in that area anyway.

I should've lied to her. I was stupid enough to tell her I couldn't do it. She told me to go lie on my bed and take my pants off. I did.

When she came back in, I had started having second thoughts and told her I didn't want her "helping" me. I tried getting up to stop her, but she forced me down on my bed. She pinned me down as she put the tampon in. I remember crying, screaming and wrestling with her. Even beating and clawing at her face. She didn't stop and ended up getting her way. At first I felt... "happy" because it was in. Then I started coming out to my relatives about it and they were mortified.

One of them called her out on it and she was in such denial about being in the wrong, that 2 years later, when I was 16 and had a job, she went to my coworkers and boss and asked if what she did was bad.

I wrote a short story about this experience. But it's disguised under implications and ended up being bondagey without meaning to be.

After years of therapy, I still have a noncon/dubious kink.

I don't get off on these experiences at all.

But you do.

Viv, if you got off to that Dynastie video, where a woman is screaming, fighting, while being bound and gagged WHILE THE CAMERA PANS TO A BABY CRYING AND WATCHING, you are sick.

I don't care that the context is "the man saved the baby from the woman who kidnapped him!!! There's no SA!!!!"

It wasn't uploaded to show the man being a hero. People watching that scene aren't watching it for the plot. Look at the channel's favorite Playlist. The context doesn't matter on this case. Look at the comments saying how "hot" the video is.

Stop defending her. Just stop. Fetishes aren't all sexual. Look through her Zoophobia art. Jesus Christ, look at HB and now HH. There's consensual and nonconsensual bondage in both shows and in her art. Look at the fucking patterns.

Tuca and Bertie perfectly encapsulates the complex feelings and emotions and sexuality and fetishes and kinks. Her therapy sessions, Pastry Pete's getting his karma, and her guilt/empowerment are all so special to me. That show had a perfect blend of comedy and seriousness.

Viv does not capture this at all.

Viv said Raph was an SA survivor. He claimed before that he is not. She either lied or outed him.

She victim blamed the minor Raph harassed. It doesn't matter if he knew the age or not, Vivienne. An employee of yours behaved extremely unprofessionally, and if I were you, I'd be mortified.

I'd be even more mortified to have Raph boarding extremely sensitive topics and blatantly fetishy scenes. Fizz and Blitz in a cage? Raph boarded that too.

And what was Raph's reaction to all this? A screenshot from Twitter posted on his IG story saying: "that's what all the drama is about? A crewmember having a CNC kink?" And him getting a kick out of it, saying "he wants to frame this tweet".

As someone who is into those fetishes and a CSA victim, you are not handling it appropriately, in my opinion.

Especially a nonvictim boarding a very serious scene. Someone who so casually said "it's not a pedo ship, it's a rape ship 🙄" so casually. Someone who has made tons and tons of ValAngel art.

ValAngel is NOT consensual. It's not CNC. It's straight-up rape. I'd also like you to stop liking Val art that depicts him as sexy. It's not helping your case.

The way your employees behave (Morgana included) is horrifying and should absolutely be fired.

The way you behave is absolutely unacceptable.

You don't deserve to have your own show. You and I both know you didn't watch those bondage videos for the plot. You and I both know you've been getting away with hurting others for far too long.

Amazon should pull that show away from you.

You don't deserve to be at the top.

Get fucked, Vivienne.

But also...

Thank you so much for your story, Anon. And I really, really do think her day is coming.

#Anonymous #viv stuff #actual blog post #image reply

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uzumaki-rebellion · 1 year

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Heads up for the folks who cook..

Waymo The God is an an anti-Black man who hates and disparaged Black women on social media for years. His misogynoir is atrocious (and he is a lawyer. Imagine being a Black woman represented by him). He just recently rebranded himself as Chef Way, and many Black women found out and pulled up his old tweets and dragged him for filth all over. He turned off his TikTok comments etc so people wouldn’t find out, (but Twitter remembers, lol). Some say his fiance (an Asian woman..lol of course! Such a cliche preference for dudes like this) is helping to delete negatve comments from people making others aware of his hatred for Black women.

He made a weak ass apology tweet on Twitter claiming that he is cured from his colorism and aggressive hatred of Black women. He only wrote that after folks drilled his ass.

If you love to cook culinary Black foods, do not support this man. Do not buy any products, books, or support any companies or high profile chefs who may partner with him.

Black people everywhere should no longer support individuals who hate, demean, and spread toxic bile publicly about Black women and think they can turn around and use our recipes to get rich. They can no longer profit on our backs.

You can go on Twitter to read his old tweets that people saved. He tried deleting his old comments (as one usually does when they are foul!) but folks are tired of the hateful disrespect. This man is vile. I saw some tweets where even his Mama came online claiming that’s not how he was raised at home with two parents present. But we know how that doesn’t mean much once people get out in the streets and away from Mommy and Daddy.

2023 is the year of yoking people up who are against Black women. Doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman doing it. Shit ain’t cute. I don’t know how this dude thought he was going to market himself when Black women make up a huge audience of the culinary game.

Anyhoo, long-winded, but wanted folks who follow me to know. You see anything by him, please don’t support it if you love yourself and Black women. I don’t have the energy to suggest a redemptive arc for him like I would’ve done years ago to give people grace to change , but now, I don’t care if his cooking bag is stopped. You can’t market yourself to people you hate and think you’ll thrive.

#chef way #antii blackness #misogynoir #colorism #cooking #waymo the god

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andivmg · 1 year

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(big paragraph rant ahead thanks to madison beer’s memoir)

okay so i finished reading The Half of It today and i have a lot of thoughts. but i’m gonna post just the pages that spoke to me the most in regard to online stuff and rant

i remember 2021 as being literally one of the worst years of my life this far because of twitter (obviously a bunch of personal stuff too but yk). to this day i’m mildly afraid of the internet which is very silly but very real. because of the part of the internet i was “famous” in i was forced to see every single thing people wrote about me and at first it was super fun super cool but it very quickly shifted into people picking me apart for everything i did or said. then i started associating myself with my ex and his circle of people and it only got worse. their audience was welcoming at first but after a week i would see people call me annoying and a pick me on a daily basis. and this was before i got “called out” for some stuff i don’t wanna get into now because i feel like it has been discussed enough but iykyk. so when that happened people latched onto that and to this day i still get the one off rude message about it. and when people tried to stick up for me i was reduced to sex. which was so demeaning in so many different ways. like the only reason i would ever be worth defending was because of my “pussy”. like that was the only thing about me that mattered. and as a woman on TWITCH of all places i was already hearing that enough. it was even more infuriating knowing that my male counterparts had done so much worse than me and faced maybe half the backlash. and even then had their mistakes and behaviors excused to the point of them not having to own up to them at all. as a woman of color i was held to a much higher standard than a lot of my peers. i was expected to know everything and to never make a mistake. so yeah, i wish i had been kinder to myself at the time. because no matter how mean the internet was to me, i was meaner. at the time it literally felt like my life was over. i would go online and only read bad things about myself. it was such a small group of people though, but i was so chronically online that it felt like the whole world was against me. and it sounds dumb and self centered but it’s how it felt as a teenage girl whose whole life was centered around twitter, tiktok, and twitch. once a big group of us went to universal and i tried to stay out of as many pictures as possible. whenever a fan would approach us as a group i would always offer to take the picture for them because i didn’t want to be in any of them. my friends told me i was being dramatic but i was trying to avoid what ended up happening anyway. people quote tweeting the pictures and making comments about me. i expected every fan that came up to either not know who i was (ideally), or worse, to know and hate me.

madison also talked a lot about being paranoid about her personal life being leaked online and talked about and i felt that deeply as well. once on stream i accidentally showed my lock screen (a picture of me and my ex) for like half a second. then immediately after, i ended stream and deleted the vod along with most of the clips but people had already had seen it and a week later my ex called me up mad as hell because people were posting screenshots of it on twitter and he was not happy about it. people were speculating on our relationship and making fun etc. and i just felt so powerless. like nothing i could do or say would change their mind. now i realize it literally does not matter what people say.

anyway yeah clearly madison’s book brought back a lot of memories for me. it was honestly oddly comforting to read. i know so many people that have gone through similar things and it’s never handled well by anyone involved. i feel a lot more comfortable talking about it now and especially here because i know it won’t become a huge thing since i’m irrelevant now and this is old drama. it’s just nice to write to the void sometimes (you guys aren’t a void i promise but yk what i mean). but yeah i’m over most of the stuff that happened that year. my therapist is amazing and helped me through it all. and now i can talk about it without feeling any type of way. it is something that happened. and i am okay now.

in conclusion, i love madison beer

#rant #the half of it #madison beer

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zeglythofficial · 3 months

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I'm a different anon but can we talk about how lowkey weird is that R is best friends with much older men like DJ, why is a 20-21 young woman super close to some +40? y.o man, I understand that sometimes at work you end up having friends from all ages, I definitely get along with some older women at my work place but hanging out with old ass men is weird to me (even if the man is queer) btw do we know if DJ is queer?

R definitely grew up around older folks that's why she's so comfortable with older people especially men, which to my experience can turn to be dangerous as it puts you in an ideal position to be potentially groomed. I remember when she liked a tweet about how the world nowadays would've lost their minds and try to cancel humprey bogart for dating teenage lauren bacall, i saw that tweet in her likes and I immediately went: Oh baby, that's not-🙁

Even before all hell broke loose with Ansel E, he was literally visiting R at her high school, sometimes I side eyed R's parents because no matter how booksmart and well spoken R was/is the fact is that she was around several questionable men while she was still a child, the fact she's dating J rn is a testament that her parents let and probably encouraged their high school graduated daughter massive crush for a man who was in his early to mid 20s who was in fact no indifferent to her attentions. Like, they totally ignored some obvious 🚩🚩🚩and that's back when R still lived in her family home.

I do get now why the other anon mentioned her constant attachment to older male co-stars, I've noticed the pattern too and it's 🤐

Regardless of my observations or my own opinions I do sincerely hope R is safe, maybe she's truly into older men and it's her dating preference but to me (someone who witnessed how unhealthy age gaps can turn out to be for younger women) makes me feel a little bit anxious in R's behalf. I might be exaggerating tho 🤷🏼‍♀️ I do genuinely hope R is happy and fullfied in all aspects of her life. Sorry for my long ass paragraph

Hi! Idk if DJ is queer, it’s very possible.

I remember she liked that tweet (it was right after a tweet of her and J age gap went semi-viral) and rolled my eyes. It’s obvious she wants to address the age gay discourse but J probably told her not to.

Some parents don’t care as long as their child is making money/famous. Hate to say it but a lot of parents will turn a blind eye to stuff if their child is the breadwinner and potentially giving them money. Also her parents can’t do much about it tbh. They could have pushed back on her dating J but she still would have dated him regardless. In fact if her parents said no or tried to stop it, I’m 99.9% sure R would have wanted to date J even more because of it. Most teens and young adults don’t listen to their parents lol.

I also think her attachment to older men is because she feels the men her age don’t understand her and are too immature.

R will be fine! I’ll give it a few years until she realizes certain things about herself and makes changes to her life for the better :)

#my answers #about r

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official-impravidus · 1 year

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tagged by @tmarauder101

Rules: Post 10 of your favorite movies and tag 10 people.

10) Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

there is something so delightful about this movie. it’s fun, it’s camp, and i will never say no to jack black shenanigans and karen gillan being a BAMF. also bethany is transmasc send tweet

9) Ant-Man and the Wasp

i will fight tooth and nail about the fact that the ant-man movies are the best movies from the mcu. if there is any mcu movie i rewatch and don’t scrub through, it’s this one.

8) Girl VS Monster

this movie is pure art. diemata’s “nothing’s gonna stop me now” is a cultural reset for me. also the skylar/ryan/myra throuple just about being canon when they sing “had me @ hello” together at the end of the movie??? we love to see poly rep

7) Knives Out

this movie is just art. i love a good murder mystery and this is great with a rewatch. i think glass onion was really great too but this one in particular will hold a special place in my heart.

6) Lovestruck

i’m SO mad that they moved this to hulu premium because it used to be on the freeform app. but basically it’s a movie musical where a woman takes a de-aging potion and tries to get her daughter’s husband to cheat on her daughter with her now young self. it’s got drew seely and chelsea kane singing “dj got us fallin’ in love” and i want to perform this dance at my wedding. also “how can i remember to forget” is SUCH a good ballad

5) Enchanted

who doesn’t love enchanted? it’s my favorite disney movie and though the sequel is mid, the original will ALWAYS be the best. the “so close” scene where robert starts singing UGH my heart.

4) Crazy Rich Asians

this is one of those movies that i find myself rewatching a lot with my family specifically. we can quote some scenes verbatim. we just love this movie. it’s a delight.

3) Room

this is a big change in tone but i just love this movie. i stan brie larson. stream “finally out of p.e.” that album slaps. but yeah it’s just heartbreaking and it’s always great on the rewatch and jacob tremblay is so good and so is brie larson and i just love it. it hurts me but in the best way possible.

2) Free Guy

i can’t articulate how much i love this movie. ryan reynolds. jodie corner. joe keery. the guy who plays rajit in basmati blues. it’s so funny and it’s one that i will never get sick of and it just brings me so much joy.

1) I Kissed A Vampire

this movie is awful. it’s terrible. it’s near unwatchable. but it is my Favorite Movie. i know so much of it by heart. i know the choreography. i know every lyric of every song. i bought the deluxe album on apple music. i’ve watched it with every person who lets me subject them to this awful movie. i’ve had friendships threatened because of this movie. i know way too much about this movie and the actors in it. i’ve seen the original web series just as much. if you haven’t watched the movie and love bad movies, watch it. it’s got drew seeley as an angsty vampire who is SO politically incorrect named trey sylvania. it’s got lucas grabeel (ryan from high school musical) as the lead. and it’s got the 17 year old daughter of the producer playing the main female love interest and her performace is absolutely grueling and i love her so much. apparently she works with snakes now??? go you queen.

@carronyaflowers @queenofmoons @davidalleynethinksfast @acroreader @sunflowerteaofficial @shipskicksandgiggles @jack-the-bear @joyful-soul-collector @gayrudeboys @genderenvyincarnate

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gemperception · 11 months

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A letter to the new supply

Dear Replacement,

I’ll start with you, because you’re kind of the least important person I need to address. I sincerely tried to protect you in the beginning. A stranger at the time, but a person still regardless so I treated you as such. I knew that he saw a weakness in you and decided to prey. It disgusted me to know that he was only pursuing you to harm me.

I warned you initially thinking that you would hear me and run. I was trying to stop him from creating triangulation. Triangulation is a narcissist biggest chess move. He did it me for majority of our relationship, he could not his ex go. But my efforts failed. After my second warning to you, I could tell that something was off. So I confronted him and poor you… you allowed my abuser to fuck you. So from that point, I knew that you were now his new victim and he had succeeded. I saw disgusting messages about me between you guys. It’s so twisted because as he was texting you how much he couldn’t stand me. He was begging for hugs and cuddles from me and the same time. So sick. I also learned that you were watching my twitter and saw you were just as mean as him. You tried to retract some of those tweets and lie about them being about me (such a coward thing to do, because I was definitely talking about you and admitted it). Either way it surprised me and hurt that you didn’t have the sentiments as a woman. I was so busy fussing at him “Why are lying to that poor woman?! Why can’t you stop playing with people?” But little did I know that his campaign smearing, love bombing, and dick was so successful that you decided to talk dog shit about me. I was just his crazy ex girlfriend to you.

But ask yourself why would you ignore the red flags? How desperate are you for love where it includes this? Where it takes you being lied to multiple times already and you had only known him for a few weeks.

Then you wanted clarification. I went out of my way to it all while I’m still very triggered and trying to cope with the situation. I had that conversation for you. Because Darling I needed no clarity, remember love I warned you. Anyway during that conversation, we matched up so many discrepancies and it ended with you boldly proclaiming how you want to support him. Also how you hope he doesn’t hurt you and finds out he’s playing you this whole time. ?????

So after a hour of aligning discrepancies, you still want to support a man who’s clearly playing you? Desperation must be what you are or just plain old delusional thinking. Also suggesting that your abusive ex might be nicer to his new partner… to insinuate that my abusive ex is nicer to you… was rich comedy. Because again we just sat here and laid it all out love. I really left that conversation saying “I’ve never met a more delusional woman in my life, I thought I was crazy. It took me 5 years to wake up from his manipulative hold and she just basically told me that it’s because they’re meant to be. Wtf?”

I did leave that conversation telling you that I don’t support your relationship with him. Because why would I support my abuser, and also because girl fuck you.

Love, Michaela <3

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waitingformyfavoritesongs · 1 year

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25 Jan u ary 2023 Wednesday 3:24 am pdt

I had awoken to pain and felt more heart ♥️ pain I think. When I am in the middle of doing something I sometimes 4get. 3:25 am pdt sometime soon after my parents separated my mom tells me things such as don’t make that face you look like your dad and something I think was I only love 💕 you because I am your mom which for some reason I took 2 be interpreted as she was obligated to love me and that she didn’t really like me. 3:29 am pdt I was probably 8 years old. 3:29 am pdt 8 or 9 years old I don’t remember 🤷🏻‍♀️ 3:35 am pdt but my grandma 👵 snipping my long hair was probably b4 the separation maybe when I was 6 or 7 years old when I had long black hair and I was probably 9 years old when my mom told me I looked like a sick old woman 👵 and she said “I know! You should get a haircut!” 💇‍♀️ Deshana barber 💈 Iranian Kurdish people hair cutting themes. 3:39 am pdt king 🤴 David mentioned in a song. 3:40 am pdt

3:30 am pdt ⏰ when I typed 8 million in the previous post 23 Jan 23 I thought 💭 I typed billion. I heard the population reached 8 billion. Hard 2 believe especially when COVID happened and shootings still happened. 3:34 am pdt

3:40 am pdt when I lived in king 👑 city 🌃 I saw 👀 the ring 💍 pop commercial and wanted one ☝️. When me and mom and probably younger sister went to a small store 🏬 2 get cookie 🍪 mix I found a small bin of ring 💍 pop but all were broken 😞 so I didn’t get any. Reminds me about my mom’s promise ring 💍 falling in2 the river and finding out her boyfriend was caught in bed 🛌 with the ex girlfriend and had a shotgun marriage after the ring 💍 fell into the river. 3:45 am pdt meant 2 b... go with the flow? Bcz dirty old men are in power 2 say it’s ok 👌 2 have extramarital?? Affairs bcz it’s meant 2b. If that’s the case then I guess there’s no real thing as loyalty long lasting until death old age together do you part love and he holds us to a double standard where he expects us to fall so deeply madly In love otherwise he calls us whores , so that when he leaves 🍃 us 4 another bcz love 💕 died he cannot feel it anymore so we weep 😭 deep rivers when he leaves but he’s bouncy happy Bcz he found a younger chick 🐣 to rob of her virginity, friendly unicorns 🦄 only liking virgins to devirginize. 3:51 am pdt is this what he wants????? But he 4got? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ 🎶🎼🎵🎤 3:53 am pdt

Sierra LaMar Twitter tweeted if you’re a bird I’m a bird say it with me the notebook 📒 movie 🎥 clip. 3:54 am pdt birds of a feather flock together???? 🤷🏻‍♀️ 3:56 am pdt sirens 🚨 half bird sea 🌊 gulls fallen angels 3:57 am pdt. 2 types of sirens 🚨: half bird 🦅 creatures, & mermaids. Tandem opposite meanings/definitions. Yin and yang ☯️? Chinese word was it shanyang? Can b used 2 mean goat 🐐 or ram 🐏 depending on modifying??? Addditional words. 3:59 am pdt but if you’re suffering that is probably a clear indication of a sacrificial lamb 🐑???? 4 am pdt

4:30 🕟 am pdt when I typed shanyang my head got VERY hot 🥵 maybe my brain 🧠 too 😞. I think it was about a year ago my aunt told me nobody likes me. Thanks 4 telling me that. If it’s the truth I need 2 hear 👂 it? I’m receptive 2 those comments/feedback. Ever since I was a kid since at least my parents separated I felt the need 2 change myself in2 the ideal person. I fall short all the time though. I practiced drawing ✍️ since probably kindergarten and somehow I lack technique like example drawing with geometric shapes and planning out spatially. Usually I look 👀 at something and tried 2 feel it out and hopes 4 the best. When I was in school 🏫 I was often distracted. Unfortunately. But high school 🏫 onward we were taught 2 b receptive 2 criticism because that was how we learned 2 see how flawed our work was I guess. 4:39 am pdt I wonder 💭 if my need 2 change was bcz I thought my mom didn’t like me. Maybe I feared no one would like me. And that I’d never have friends and a lover. I romanticized and thought I wanted a slow court ship the type that start off as friends and progressed into best friends then lovers. After my first boyfriend broke up 🆙 with me it got harder 2 find a guy who would take it that slow. A lot of them rushed into s*x. 4:43 am pdt I had wanted something that would take years 2 develope and I was willing 2 wait if my addictions? Didn’t kick in. If he was very attractive all it would take was a kiss 😚 2 get hooked 🪝. I’ve only been physically intimate (s*x) with 4 young men. 3 of them I tried not to, I fell into the hole 🕳 (rinpoche? Poem read from Karen sahlmonsen ? Spelling bounce back book 📚) and it wasn’t my fault bcz of addiction? And he wanted to and we only did it once through pants 👖 at my request but I don’t think I anticipated that semen was going to rocket 🚀 launch out through the pants 👖 until last minute and I don’t remember if I anticipated his 🍆 being felt through the pants 👖 bcz it was my first time doing that. I wore his sweat pants 👖. To be honest, that was the best s*x I had. He was a healthy skater 🛹 and very productive active person mellow artsy tall great voice. Probably not the most handsome but I think his 🍆was long enough 2 fit me well. The following 2, I believe I was somehow in someway psychologically ? Forced into it. I 4:59 am pdt ran my left middle finger 🖕 through my hair and it forced its way through a thick knot 🪢 pain, intestines pain 🐒💨 5 am pdt that was probably 4th knot 🪢 this morning. 5:01 am pdt with second guy, I had tried 2 tell him I needed 2 take it slow, but I said the wrong 😑 words. I said I wasn’t ready 4 a relationship yet after he kissed me. I did not want to kiss at that moment but some reason I felt like hugging him and he took that as a que to kiss me. 5:05 am pdt I even felt magnetism magnet 🧲 between us to pull me into hugging him. Uh oh incubus is trying to erase my memory of the magnet 🧲 feeling i felt between us. 5:07 am pdt bad incubus! 🤬😡🥵😤🥵😤🥵😰😱 5:07 am pdt

5:54 am pdt I remember he had I think this was the order: he had started to unbuckle his belt of his pants 👖 and I remember him asking me “you want to have s*x, right?” And then I told him through clothing. He did seem irritated when I probably told him to “wait” bcz I think I was trying to keep from going too far s*xually with him, bcz I think we had not been on many dates with each other yet but he was willing to jump into s*x without much discussion or verbal or written promises of a future together. We didn’t even know each other b4 we started dating. My sister might have known him a little b4, but I don’t recall her telling me how long. 6:01 am pdt I was stupid to think that through clothing (supposedly I assumed dry humping was this and that there wouldn’t be semen but I was wrong! 😓) abstaining is probably safer. 6:04 am pdt

6:18 am pdt I think that was the only time I had s*x with the 2nd guy. 6:19 am pdt 6:25 am pdt We both changed pants 👖 when I requested through clothing. The third guy I had sat on his lap and dry humped? Grinded? And probably each time I did that he said I was driving him crazy. Long before we had “s*x” but maybe some might call it rape? He drew/wrote my name with a lot of backward little 7’s in sets of threes??? I think I did not learn about triple 7 represented perfection until recently, maybe it was last year I learned this? Probably within last 5 years, and the drawing ✍️ was from summer 2007. 6:32 am pdt I am guessing backwards means =not perfect. 6:33 am pdt

6:39 am pdt we both wore blue jeans 👖 pants 👖 and it I think always happened in his car 🚗 6:40 am pdt.

6:59 am pdt I need 2 clarify that I did not learn the word shanyang until last year? Or the end of the year before last year. 7 am pdt

7:19 am pdt From 2009 onward there were guys I hung out with who were 3 or 4 years younger than me who seemed they wanted more from me than friendship. One of them reminded me a little of my ex in some way but I wanted to friend zone him and hopefully 🙏 grow a brotherly type of friendship with. He touched me inappropriately during a hug at the olive 🫒 garden 🪴 parking lot without permission. There wasn’t any open discussion about feelings. Such as him saying I like you and I want to date you and see if this can be a long term romantic relationship. Nope. 7:27 am pdt it was for Q’s birthday 🎂 maybe 🤔. 7:28 am pdt It was very awkward when he decided to pull me down to sit on his lap in front of everyone and I felt as if I was cornered into playing along bcz I might embarrass him and hurt his feelings and I would end up 🆙 looking like a b*tch from the awkwardness and conflicting feelings and the confusion it was probably causing (I think I felt angry head hot 🥵 7:46 am pdt). For some reason I met men that wanted to have s*x with me without knowing me 4 long. I texted a guy giving him a chance bcz my mom wanted me to back when I still had a job and b4 we could go out on a one-on-one date in person (which never happened) he already was telling me he wanted me in his bed 🛏. 7:37 am pdt 7:38 am pdt I never played love 💕 like it was only a game. I had hoped for feelings to grow that would often plateau, stagnate? And die off b4 or after feeling the butterflies 🦋 and amourous feelings. One guy that I thought I fell in love 🥰 with twice I thought he was going to be the one, but periodically he rejected 🙅‍♂️ me and told me I was going to make blonde 👱‍♀️ blonde 👱 hair babies 👶, (that was his funny line to tell me he rejected me, which is more likely to happen if I married a blonde 👱 man). 7:42 am pdt 7:43 am pdt weird watery gurgle like sounds from left side 🐒💨 7:44 am pdt

8:27 am pdt roku = 6 nihongo. I read something online that god is also referred to as a rock 🪨? If you want to be funny you can break the syllables differently and say rok-u instead of ro-ku. 6 is even. But 7 is odd. Aud-Rey Hepburn? Au = gold. Go ill 🤒 d. D= dominus or devil? Devil = lived backwards. How does someone live backwards? What does that mean? Lucifer? Or Lucia/Lucy? I love 💕 Lucy. Backwards 7? 8:33 am pdt @_@ audi car 🚗 au-di?? 8:34 am pdt we all die 2 things are for certain death 💀 and taxes mark Twain? And if you drop 3 objects you can probably draw ✍️ a triangle between the three. 8:36 am pdt rock 🪨 and roll 🎸 chuck berry???? 8:36 am pdt

8:47 am pdt roll, turn over? High turnover???? 🥵😤🥵😳😖😭😞 Head hot 🥵 they’ve punished me for putting ice 🧊 on my head. 8:49 am pdt 😖😭

8:52 am pdt I have read stuff online that when you meet someone new it’s probably best in a public place and to tell some friends and probably not go alone. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe also take public transportation? I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ my head is hot 🥵. If you read previous posts probably should take precautions also if introduced by someone else you have been hanging out with for a while. Unfortunately I never know 😑😖😭😤🥵😤🥵 or I did not back then???? 8:58 am pdt

8:59 am pdt clarification my mom probably did not know that guy like longer than I did, which was not at all, the one she wanted me to give a chance to who I texted. 9:01 am pdt

9:03 am pdt the sudden thought 💭 popped n2 my head that some people divorce and say “irreconcilable differences” ? I heard 👂. Can you date someone a long time and still find irreconcilable differences after saying “I do”? Sometimes you just bite the cookie 🍪 and hope it works out. Movie 🍿 5 year engagement? 9:07 am pdt I don’t remember going on any dates incubus. We are still at negative square 1,000,000 the way it’s going. 9:08 am pdt 😑😭😖😭he thinks he can trick me?! 9:09 am pdt I don’t want you anymore! I told you in 2017 (9:14 am pdt and preferably divorced is what was also in my head) we have 2go on dates 2 get 2 know each other 2 see if I can like you. Preferably in public in a group setting 2 allow organic spontaneous partnerships 2 happen. 9:11 am pdt

12:13 am pdt call me crazy but I think I like structure in social relationships: I like for a father to only be my father not my husband; if I had a brother I would only like him to be my brother ideally not my husband; I think I would like my cousins to only be my cousin not my husband no matter what weird feelings incubus wants 2 give me 🤬😡🥵😤🥵😤😖😭. With polygamy I think that makes it more difficult, what I mean is more likely to cross those lines if they secretly cheat. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what happens if you do do it with a cousin or half brother; I don’t want to find out. It’s not only about genes 🧬 but I like to think about relationships in general having their designated roles. 12:20 pm pdt my grandpa cheated on my grandma so I should probably b more cautious about my mom’s home country and try 4 someone different ethnic identity? And I don’t really know many people on my dad’s side either 😞 but I don’t think my grandpa cheated on grandma 👵 on that side, I guess my grandpa was maybe ugly? My mom said it’s better to like a man not every woman 👩🏻 wants. Steve Harvey said an ugly man is probably the most well behaved man 👨 (I don’t know if it’s true 4 all men but maybe 🤔 it’s true 4 some?) 12:27 pm pdt

1:20 pm pdt funny how I remember things after I type about it. I did have a few drawing books 📖 📚 one for Pocahontas, my dad had Spider-Man and X-men. I stupidly gave the X-men one to Scott when he probably didn’t need it. And my sister had one for horses 🐴. I practiced those but I don’t really recall applying that method/technique much when I wasn’t looking at those books. 1:24 pm pdt

1:29 pm pdt if I had mastered the technique I would have drew a lot more drawings in the amount of time I spent drawing ✍️ probably. In 2015 I tried coloring in a skeleton copy to help myself learn anatomy drawing and then tried to draw ✍️ it but I was slow. I remember also trying to play the guitar 🎸, to learn it on my own but I started falling asleep 😴. So I had to decide to focus on my health and I remember I slept 🛌 a lot, probably between 10-14 hours a day. 1:34 pm pdt

4:14 pm pdt I 4got 2 type uncles, whether blood 🩸 related or in-laws; if there potential 4 cousins 2 b born then an uncle idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ probably b considered like a father figure? Are cousins similar to half-siblings? 4:17 pm pdt

10-14 hours a day would have given incubus a lot of time with me. I remember times when I slept 🛌 I had nightmares and felt my body being weighted down. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if this is the time incubus was on top of me. I remember feeling the need 2 scream and my mouth 👄 opening and no noise coming out. I might have written a little about it in previous posts. 4:22 pm pdt it’s getting difficult 😞 4 me 2 remember. 4:23 pm pdt incubus tried to dig a hole 🕳 into my right ear about 40 minutes ago and I woke up 🆙 with a dry throat again. Immediately after I felt the pain in my ear 👂 I heard a loud bass booming sound then minutes later heard a text message alert 🚨 sound from this cellphone 📲 and it didn’t sound as good. I’m hoping that it was bcz of something it was touching, otherwise I would have 2 anticipate that the phone 📲 speakers 🔊 are degrading suddenly, even though this phone probably cost a lot of money 💰 in its original msrp? What does it stand 4 again 4:30 🕟 heard a loud sliding click don’t know if that’s my mom coming back. 4:31 pm pdt my mom bought me this phone 📲 at a clearance price of ≈$300 which is still expensive 4 an electronic device that only fits in your hand ✋ & I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ how effective it is to editing on it other than very simple little stuff. Back in 2005 when I took fashion classes we were told China 🇨🇳 would sew 🧵 garments 4 a few cents a piece, she mentioned 7 cents I think 🤔. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if that’s accurate but that’s what I remember. 4:37 on pdt It is a lot nicer than the cheaper android phone 📱 which I tried last year. If everyone recycled would it bring down the cost? Or would inflation continue 2 rise? 4:41 pm pdt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ enough of anything 2 probably b helpful. 4:42 pm pdt

I believe the twitch is really dead 💀. I believe incubus will drive me to the point of wanting 2 commit suicide. I believe he will control me like a muppet and make me walk 2 the train 🚊 and get hit by it/smashed by it similar 2 his maps video. 4:46 pm pdt

6:49 pm pdt I believe incubus is running 🏃‍♂️ the same game on me that he did on other women. On Q in particular years b4 me. Q’s bday is one day after my grandma’s bday. Incubus is yelling “NOOOOOO!!!” Usually that means they’re going 2 do more stuff 2 kill me. Even though he has a lot of knowledge of what’s going 2 happen b4 hand, would make me believe it’s all actually his own decisions. He owns what 3 mansions? Many cars 🚗? Stocks in several companies? A fashion line? A fragrance? The verve? Royalties? Am I missing something? He throws a basketball 🏀 from far away and it seems to fly a tremendous? Distance. I see pictures that it looks like he’s doing poses in mid air as if he has powers to levitate. He may have had me half fooled, & telling me things I want 2 hear 👂 but aren’t you spreading yourself thin incubus? How can you have much genuine feelings romantically deeply 4 that many women? How are you carrying on with all these relationships if we are only capable of having 150 connections???? 7:01 am pdt you keep on running game incubus, rapist, murderer. 7:01 pm pdt the train 🚆 passed by and it shook the place. It’s going too fast past a residential area. Cramps after gurgle feels like burning diarrhea 🐒💨

7:03 pm pdt nihongo has different counting systems? To = ten-> net backwards which looks like a spiderweb 🕸 to like toe tag 🏷 on cadavers. 7:04 pm pdt

7:22 pm pdt time goes by too fast 💨😖😭 he’s playing love 💕 like it’s a game pretending to feel love ❤️. With memory loss, he can con anyone. 7:24 pm pdt head is hot 🥵 came back from bathroom 🚽 7:19 pm. Not good. 7:25 pm pdt

In December 2012 me and Q went to a restaurant with karaoke 🎤. Met some people Q was friends with and some acquaintances or new people I guess. 3 of the men were actually from my high school 🏫 I wonder if they are still alive. I was interested in a blonde-ish haired man 👨 and I thought 💭 he might have been interested in me bcz he started talking 2 me. But I said something that turned him off and he lectured me without asking anything else about me. I thought 💭 maybe we can see eye 👁 to eye 👁 on somethings and maybe I could respect him. But when we said goodbye 👋 he was totally shunning me I guess if I’m using that word right. I had hoped if he knew me more that he would not be so strict? Like if he had noticed that I was completely shy ☺️ around him, and that I had suffered a lot and I do try to work even with my difficulties? 7:34 pm pdt and the only vacations I took were to visit family I don’t see often and once bcz of my eczema. After we left the building, in the parking lot Q told me she thinks she likes him and if it would be ok if she could have him, and she said I could have his twin brother. If you’ve ever watched sister sister or met identical twins 👯‍♀️ you might notice they have slightly different personalities?? Is that right? One might be extrovert and the other introvert? Or did I jump to conclusions? I didn’t think about that back then , but it bothered me that Q asked 4 me 2 back off. I didn’t tell her, but if someone asks an introverted person to do something without really asking their feelings... it seemed like my feelings didn’t matter. I told her I think he likes you more anyway. And then I chose not to hang out again sometime after that. I think it was after another time of hanging out there again with almost the same people but he didn’t show up 🆙. One of the other guys tried to invite me to the house party coming up 🆙 but I felt unwelcomed by his twin brother. Twins 👯 friends with twins 👯. So I tried not to be too disappointed at feeling unwelcomed probably and I stopped trying. 7:44 pm pdt it almost feels like Q is cock blocking me selectively. Even though she put music is her boyfriend on MySpace. 7:45 pm pdt 7:46 pm pdt the twin I felt unwelcomed by was dating one of Q’s friends and was friendly with Q in front of me. 7:47 pm pdt

7:55 pm pdt once my mom gave me an ultimatum that she would leave me unless I took accounting classes, so I enrolled. 7:56 pm pdt unfortunately I didn’t finish the certificate program. I started getting too scared to go and I made excuses. 7:57 pm pdt my eczema started flairing a lot anyway and it was getting harder for me to get to class on time with anxiety. 7:58 pm pdt

12:18 am pdt incubus has been pouring vinegar down my throat I suspect. If this is his way of giving me diverticulitis/crohns whatever it’s called that’s a very cruel way to make someone die especially when you’ve already put me through a lot. 12:20 am pdt divorce relationship came up in auto fill correct. Permanent divorce 2 an imaginary husband. If you were dating stroh 4 a year I wonder if your children ever see you that much and probably don’t know you. Every one thought he was being a stay at home dad. Guess NOT. 12:23 am pdt 26 Jan u ary 2023 Thursday

12:32 am pdt incubus is probably the reason why dusty rose is so short in comparison to gio grace. 12:32 am pdt

12:37 am pdt incubus destroyed love.

that tattoo should be “you’re so cold you’re so cold you’re so cold” 12:39 am pdt

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zsarkan · 2 years

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I accessed my blog and made a new post .

https://xxlunaclara.wordpress.com/2022/08/12/85/

August 12, 2022

So about me (edited a saved old draft)

Wow, the month is already gone since I was trying to write this post, but I got some distractions .

And I also did delete some tweets, in which I was repeating about dreamfall devs being folks knowing nothing about futurism.

When you make a sci-fi video game in the future, first thing, you don’t forget about all the machines, buttons everywhere making things move (including walls and floors) .

Minimal style is more futurist than scandinavian .

I had this saved from 24oct2020. So I guess I have to continue it. I was able to access my account. I don’t really remember about it as always, I was trying to do something, I got distracted by how things are going and not working for me to have it done. And I guess I am considered a LIAR for hiding how I am suffering and humiliating myself through these posts. And this is so weird, how some accounts get popular so fast, how they do changes and updates “same day” and makes it difficult for me to use it. Actually now I got annoyed by how tumblr and fb and browser(yandex) did it same time.

And Yeah I am obviously upset and these people laughing so much around and my “parents” intervening to “stop me defending their lives and punish me” …this is really a very bad joke I live, they are my uncle and aunt, and their actual daughter was financially supported by my parents. And I am wearing shame at my age, they won making me regret for “having this life” and all this thing . I already wrote on my tumblr https://zsarkan.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/text . And I guess people like getting me like this, is the way they have to pay attention and stop me from existing. I am a humiliated woman, living with my “poor uncle and aunt who are very upset at me ” I am actually a woman who cannot afford life, and men bring their prostitutes to make fun of me. I reached 29 in this house now revealing about my life, because until now I tried to hide this punishment I live, and I really wanted to get serious money online to use them to leave these fake parents who were supported to keep my body as daughter. And everyone is playing “their mad daughter” and having so much fun with great noise. They won destroying my true self-identity and kept me away from my biological mother. Oh and is just these men who enjoy sex… and these sponsorised prostitutes. and I could not have my own family, relationship, identity, documents, life, business because my body gets used as toy in someone else’s relationship. . So yeah I guess, is just them playing “their daughter” with me and not respecting me as person, body and my life/work etc.

I will edit later…

I remember I had a page named “about me” but I didn’t remember if I wrote something or just hid it. Now I see it, I removed it from appearing on my blog, is nothing in.

.................................................................................

Next day 13 august, 00AM: I have to repeat again, I never had a boyfriend, some boys used to make fun of me and got others to agree it about me. My relation with parents, is like a “love relationship” and workplace, they are reminding me alot about it they own me and personal things, family issues and their “suffering”, they are suffering alot about me too. I wasn’t able to get to know real people and life, some people made fun of me and they got so close involved in my “thing” and insisted so much changing the attitude.

So back about my post “futuristic ideas” I tried to make a simple list, but I have problems about finding words, I end up using the “bad talk” , I was embarrassed so I tried to hid it, now I don’t know about my accounts.

About 5AM: I couldn’t sleep these days, I sleep only few hours and feel very sleepy. Is not the weather, is cooler than july. I was thinking about making a post here with my accounts, so I decided to add some text at this post about my virtual adventure. Yes I guess someone would just sent me at “work” for being an adult, and scolding em for “leaving precious sacred schools” actually they were nightmare experiences, that was what I left, and these people who ruined my childhood were obviously continuing to destroy my reality at maturity, ruining my youth too. So it started in 2006. I reached 13 that summer. I got to know “piczo” when a classmate sent her link to everyone on yahoo messenger. So yes, in reality my “parents” were not liking “me at pc” and they were those bullies and trolls laughing at my pain. I lived a nightmare being alone with them, they treated me like “garbage-bin” seriously that my mother throw that stuff in my room “box of toys” until she throw it away. They never sent me at my “uncle and aunt” ,I was really inventing an imaginary family/life and that was growing inside me until years ago when it died.. then I tried to use these names and styles I invented, to make a virtual career and create a life to leave this place and people. They caused me sufferance/pain alot, while accusing me of “staying good and being a bad person” . Is so embarrassing at my age I am still in this childish situation inside their house, I wasn’t able to make a life just like everybody. The most important thing I needed maybe was sleep, and relax, and food wasn’t enough . … light and air. What I live here is terrible and there was no “good god” to judge this situation, people always judge me considering me “fine” . They gave me hate and punishments, scandals, violence. They are vulgar, and way of speech is tricky. About piczo, I was 13, and there were girls under my age, they posted photos and I met some. (this sounds so unbelievable) the youngest (11) was the one to teach us “corel tutorials” to edit photos. They had foreign names. I really felt bad about myself around these “kids” I was the oldest. My parents were not letting me use pc, and I noticed piczo changed, asking for “money” then it was not existing anymore. I had plans, but my parents didn’t let me do it. I learned using html codes and paint shop pro at that time. Then I was 15, finding a social site that had an “drawing application” online, these people were using “tablets”, and about “sister of my mother, left the man she has a son with to search men with more money” and one saw it, and told her to buy me one, they never bought anything more than “food” for me. telling that I was living “very good and had enough” actually I was eating poor food, and they brought “garbage” from other people for me. I was not having fit clothes, and I was surrounded by rich bullies at school, nobody helped me. People were always talking about their private & rich life, distracting ,making accusations and hell for me. So I guess “parents”were involved to make their opinions, people were not seeing a poor&quiet person. I was really suffering about my way of living and the behavior of people, I never liked girls that way and I started a hate for them. I wasn’t able to get to know boys that way and that hurt, it was the terrible way I was living and my physical health. They didn’t like me and didn’t let me live “free” . I waited to be 18 to go on my own in life, but then I woke up that I don’t know what to do and have no way to go in reality, they continued their thing of abusing my body and play their tricky talk. I started making electronic music, I used a piano roll, I wanted to go rock. I wasn’t able to make my own song, then I wanted to go electronic and that software was hard to use. I joined forums asking for help, but as always people were having their bad attitude at me, making fun of me, distracting, talking about their relationship/rich life, intimate subject, attacks targetting my person and life,I was older than these boys, some were anonymous “new accounts” and I really felt awful about it. They had same behavior/way of talking used by those around me, finishing me with that same “special words to describe the bad me”. I am actually not a muslim I don’t even know that religion or people, my “father” is a christian and he did use “religion/god” to control me and it worked to make me a “so good person with everyone” while everyone had terrible imagination accusing me of doing crimes and being “bad/evil” ,He isolated me in a minimised way of living and his tricky talk.And everyone was already in a war of doing that thing and fight me. I am poor and health issues, people can’t see it. They are mad at me about it and couldn’t help. Is unbelievable how people have to make bad jokes when is about my protection/health (and I mean doctor/police/school etc). Seems like “life” has married me with trouble/danger. Oh and I forgot some sentences I wanted to write, I made a different text than what I was planning. I was editing photos,and did post them, some lyrics and stories. My instrumentals were terrible. I wanted to be a designer, make my own company and lots… these dreams were gone. I was spending my life here crying and daydreaming. They used tricky talk, it was not real, that wasn’t working.

Edit about 7-8 AM: Yes I think I get the idea, christianity is more about “freedom and rights for prostitution” (exposing these girls and their “thing” publicly), and jokers/boys do harass “alone girls”, calling me “lesbian” for not feeling attracted to wtf ? Their behavior is terrible they are “just joking” not liking on me, more insulting, and this because of my physical health and how my life is advantaging them offering rewards, and I guess they are excused by society and “interpreted as good boys” for these “jokes”. And I can’t accuse him of doing a crime to me, because he is the only one who would “do it” to “how terrible I am when my freedom/merit is limited to the behavior of some people” . I am actually not free to decide my life, when my merit/results are limited at some tyrants insulting, hating on me. And I really preferred to be a wife , not a humiliated/lesbian and all this thing I go through. But (I remember my sentences) “life didn’t make me someone’s wife, has brought me trouble/danger as partner to live with”. And I am “just crying/daydreaming in all this fake world while they enjoy misplacing/replacing me”.

10 AM: And about my “father”, I figured out recently that he is actually my uncle, he always played a role of boyfriend and enemy in my life, using the “rights of father” . He used me as a “private servant” (obligations fior a daughter/female” he said), playing with my mind and body, isolating me with punishments, lies, contradictions. He got others to agree and do like him to me.

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thisislizheather · 2 years

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May Musings 2022

How is it June? Halloween is practically tomorrow. Here’s what went down last month!

The best tweets of May can be found over here and here.

I wrote an essay about my hated for the Kard***ian family.

Nathan’s show Trapped got reviewed in The Globe and Mail!

I visited the insanely disappointing part two of the costume exhibit at The Met.

I also revisited part one of that same exhibit because new pieces were added and they are spectacular. (And quick note: there’s no rooftop exhibit at The Met this summer! I emailed them to see why and they told me that it “has been delayed per the artist’s request“ which is complete bullshit! If the artist couldn’t make it work for this year, why the hell didn’t they commission someone else to fill the space for this year? The fuck?)

I read and reviewed Christopher Reeve’s memoir.

I never use face cream, but the texture of my face was weirdly rough for about a week so I lathered on the belief aqua bomb cream each night and it smoothed me right out back to normal within two days. It also works really well on elbows if ashiness is ever a concern for you.

So intensely in love with these new shorts I got from Banana Republic Factory.

I made this tomato, zucchini, caramelized onion & feta tart with puff pastry that was too, too good.

I made these flourless chocolate brownie cookies and they were truly disgusting.

I’ve tried many foot masks, but this Holler and Glow one from Target is my absolute favourite. It’s even better than that baby foot mask everyone loved a few years back.

Went to Bar Crudo in Brooklyn and it was incredible. The crab cakes were perfect, everything we ordered was phenomenal (except the ricotta toast). Have to go back.

I’ve been making individual iced teas each day and this month solely consisted of the Trader Joe’s pomegranate white tea. It’s so fruity, but not at all too sweet.

Two new discoveries! I have a moderate dairy allergy and a possible pollen allergy! Sweet! This is what your late thirties looks like I guess?

I tried a sample of the silk peony eye cream (eyes are rolling at that name) from Tatcha and it yes it was good. But no it should not be $62. All creams should be max $20 and that’s even pushing it a bit.

Links I’m Loving:

If you’re still spring cleaning, this is such a great guide.

These sandwiches look so wildly good. Can I please just be invited to this woman’s house.

The best SNL sketch of the season. (It’s called Old Enough! Longterm Boyfriends if you need to search for it in Canada.)

I badly want to make these chocolate toffee cookies (below).

youtube

Things I Watched:

I’m in the middle of a rewatch of Friday Night Lights (Hulu), it’s not as good as it was the first time around but Riggins can still get it.

Also rewatching Undeclared (YouTube!) and it’s as good as I remembered it.

Our Father (Netflix) was pure chaos. It’s so disturbing and awful, I kind of want to tell you not to even watch it? It’s not worth it. Awful people who get away with doing awful things is such a weird thing to recommend to watch.

Inventing Anna (Netflix) was irritatingly bad. A lot of the acting was terrible, the scripts were awful. Why on earth was this longer than a 90 minute made-for-TV movie? This is one of those times the Wikipedia page is more interesting than the final product.

The Mystery of Marilyn Monroe: The Unheard Tapes (Netflix) was, again, hard to watch. I’ve seen dozens of movies about this woman and every new thing I learn about her is more depressing than the last. God, the Kennedys were awful people.

St. Elmo’s Fire (Hulu) was terrible! I’d never seen it before but UGH. There are so many good people in it, I had such high hopes. Not one likable character in a cast of what seemed to be fifty people. Also, I know it was the ‘80s but no friend would ever put another friend’s head in a toilet, it just wouldn’t happen. Terrible script.

Everything Everywhere All At Once (theatres) was good! There were definitely parts that were a smidge too corny, but as a whole it was really good.

Flamingo Kid (streamed online) is such a good summer movie, I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before. It’s light and low maintenance and a young Matt Dillon is very pleasant to look at.

Big Night (streamed online) was so good. I’ve wanted to see it forever because of how food centric it is and it was perfect.

Top Gun: Maverick (theatres) was actually really good. Even I surprise myself sometimes. Love Tom Cruise. LOVE that he insisted on little to no CGI.

It’s amazing that spring garlic is still in season, I’m begging you to find some.

The main thing I’m looking forward to this month: I’m going on my big postponed-from-2020 trip! I’ll definitely be posting about it on my Instagram stories and (and highlights section) if you have any interest in seeing what I get up to. I could tell you some of the things planned, but where’s the fun in that?

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in April over here.

#monthly post #monthly roundup #end of month post #may #may 2022 #this is liz heather #Liz Heather #spring things to do #NYC #best of NYC #things to do NYC #Baby Dog #chihuahua

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ihatecoconut · 2 years

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What they don’t say

You stop being a hero as soon as you kill the villain. That’s what they don’t tell you- killing someone on live television, in front of hundreds of people, brutal and efficient, it turns people against you. As soon as you have blood on your hands, people stop wanting their children to look up to you, as soon as a video circulates of you standing up to face the cameras, white suit red with blood, you aren’t that man anymore.

It doesn’t matter. I hear it over and over in the weeks after. It doesn’t matter that the press were getting on your ass about leaving him alive to continuously break out of max-security prison after max-security prison. It doesn’t matter that the only tweets people sent to you were begging you to end this. It doesn’t matter. You killed a man, and everything changes.

I don’t bother fighting when the cheers from the street turn to screams, when the police who were keeping people back turn to arrest me. I don’t break out of the handcuffs they put me in, even though I could and the poor kid putting them on me knows it. I sit in the back of their armoured truck- is this one that I threw him in before?- and I don’t even blink at the guns they keep trained on me.

I’m given a criminal justice lawyer. Apparently my previous one- my friend- has refused to represent me anymore. I don’t cry about it, just greet the young woman who walks in with a nod and listen to the cops reading out my rights.

“They’re still collecting evidence.” My new lawyer tells me. Her voice is soft, quiet. I wonder if she’ll even be heard in the courtroom- if we even get to the courtroom. “Did you want anything to pass the time?”

I shrug. “An insight into how I’m doing in the court of public opinion?”

It’s always been in my favour, saved me when I first started ‘hero-ing’ or whatever you would call it. They are the ones who called me a hero in the first place, who helped me out with the property damage I caused- no matter how hard I tried, it always happened.

She pulls out her phone, pulls up an app and starts reading through. Her eyes flick back and forth across the screen and her mouth becomes slowly more pinched. Even if she’s going to tell me a lie, I know the truth from that, I know I’m never getting out of here.

They’ve given me clean clothes, taken my suit away as ‘evidence’, but I still have his blood on my hands- it mixed in with the ink they used to take my fingerprints, tying us together even more than we already were. I want to laugh, to scream, and most of all I want to see his body. I tell her that and her mouth pinches up even more.

“I don’t think that’s going to be possible.”

I do laugh at that, not an amused sound, just an acknowledgement that I knew that would be the answer. “What are they saying about him?” I gesture to the phone she’s still holding, as best I can while cuffed to the table.

Her eyes flick down and back up. “People don’t like to speak ill of the dead.” Her phone slides back into her bag.

“Story’s flipped?”

“Not quiet. He did cause a lot of problems for this country.”

“Speaking ill of the dead?”

She frowns at me slightly, “Stating a fact.”

I lean back in my chair and actually look at her for the first time, give her a once over. She watches me do it.

“So, what’s our strategy, huh?”

“The same one you were talking about all the way back here, apparently.”

I blink. I don’t remember talking.

“Social pressure is one hell of a drug, ok? Your… enhancements don’t make you immune to that.”

“Social pressure.”

Her phone rings, startling both of us and she rises quickly, pulling it out and checking the caller. She presses her hand to my bound ones before she leaves to take it and it makes me still feel like the stupid sixteen-year-old I was when this started.

No one knew his secret identity, I think, left alone in the cold interrogation room, everyone knew mine. He could have come and killed me at any time, caught me off guard and gotten rid of his problem, but he didn’t. He only ever fought me when I was in costume. I trusted that, enough to let my guard down normally. What did he trust? That I would never actually hurt him? That I wanted to protect him from himself?

His blood is under my fingernails. Deep enough that it’ll hurt to clean it out. I don’t even know how it got that deep, but it relieves me slightly. He’s still gonna be able to hurt me, even now I’ve done the worst. Maybe I’ll keep it under my nails instead, keep a part of him close to remember that there wasn’t that much difference between him and I. There is no difference now people have changed their opinion. I wonder what she was reading when she scrolled through her phone- reminders, maybe, of the amount of damage I caused over three years, people trying to claim their money back for paying to fix that damage.

She comes back in, a cop at her side. “We’re moving, come on.”

I wait to be uncuffed from the table and stand, the cop at my side as we parade through the police station. Everyone seems to be waiting for me to come out, everyone is facing me, watching, even the three civilians who are gathered around one desk. Two women, one man. A married couple and their adult daughter. They’re crying. His family, I realise with a startling jolt.

My lawyer turns to put a hand on my arm, steers me away from them, but I can feel the girl’s eyes on the back of my head, I can hear the whispers from everyone else. Only two months ago, I walked through here victorious, having captured him again. Captured. Killed. The line that makes a hero.

@givethispromptatry

#writing #writer #write #writers #my writing #writblr #writeblr #writers of tumblr #creative writing #character introspection #hero #superhero #supervillain #villain

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raibebe · 3 years

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Love Is On Air

Genre: fluff & smut Words: 8.722 Prompt: radio host Johnny x secret admirer female reader Warnings: soft dom Johnny, oral (f receiving), safe sex, dirty talk

A/N: Finally: My entry for the February event of my lovely network @neosmutcollective. This is totally not the fic I planned on writing. In fact this was started way later after I realized I was never going to finish my original fic on time. Not that this one is on time... Special thanks to everyone who sent our lovely DJs some music recommendations @sly-merlin, @moonctzeny, @lenaluvs, @lucas-wongs, @burtonized and to @ncteaxhoe who helped me figure out this idea. I hope you enjoy this even though it’s wayyy too late.

You hurried home to your apartment after your last class of the day that was horrifically late because of whoever had fucked up your schedule this semester. Panting heavily, you busted into your room and threw your jacket and backpack somewhere onto your couch, diving straight for your laptop that was perched on your desk. Cursing the old thing, you waited for agonizing minutes until it had booted up and your browser was open. You quickly opened the familiar page of your university’s campus radio just in time to hear the familiar voice saying: “Hi I’m John-D, welcome to NCT Night Night.” After that both hosts chuckled lowly before Jaehyun spoke: “Tonight we’ll read some of the letters you wrote us over the week again and we will try our best to help you out with whatever problems you throw our way.” “Exactly. Right after we play this song that was suggested by evangelie_99 over on our Twitter, it’s Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County and she said that she loves our show. We’re glad you like it so much, darling. This one is for you,” Johnny softly said before the soft tunes of the song filled your little one-room apartment.

Sighing, you leaned back in your chair, carelessly toeing your shoes off. Listening to NCT Night Night was your escape at night from the stress that classes brought you. The two DJs that were on air every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday were your favorites though. Not only did they have great chemistry but they both could be incredibly funny as well as soothe all your nerves with their calming voices – especially Johnny or John-D as he was called on their show. You might have developed a slightly embarrassing crush on the fratboy with a heart as sweet as his voice from what you knew about him from his radio shows and your shared classes. Since they had started their weekly segment where they would read out letters that students could send them, you had gathered the courage to send Johnny little messages about how you were crushing on him and it had quickly become a running gag on the show. Jaehyun would tease Johnny about it every week while Johnny kept insisting that his secret admirer should just talk to him. But how could you do that? Johnny was everything one could want in a boyfriend. Not only was he ridiculously tall and devastatingly handsome but he was also smart, always seemingly staying on top of his classes and he also went to the gym regularly if his thirst traps on his Instagram stories were anything to go by. When he wasn’t giving out advice in a gentle voice on their radio program, he was out partying with his frat brothers on the weekends more often than not complaining about headaches on their Sunday show. How could you just walk up to him and talk to him? Right. You couldn’t. So you had to resign to sending him anonymous love letters through his radio show.

“Welcome back, hi,” Johnny chuckled once the song had gently faded out and you couldn’t help but giggle along. “That was Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County,” Jaehyun tried to stay on script but you could almost hear the grin on his face because of Johnny’s antics, “If you want your song to play on today’s show, please suggest something over on our Twitter with the hashtag,” Jaehyun paused momentarily and let out a dramatic sigh before continuing, “hashtag JohnDplaymelikeaviolin.” Jaehyun hadn’t even read the whole hashtag out loud when Johnny was already bursting out in laughter and how could you not laugh along with his melodic laughter. “I swear to god I am never letting you choose hashtags for our show ever again,” Jaehyun groaned while Johnny sounded like he was still dying in the background. “Don’t be mean to me Jaehyunie,” he whined and even though today’s episode was not viewable, you could vividly imagine how he was pouting. While the two friends were busy bickering and talking about what they had done since their last show, you pulled up your own Twitter to send a recommendation in.

“Aaaah, I see we’re already getting plenty of suggestions. Sly-merlin suggested us Sexy Dirty Love by Demi Lovato – a great song – and added ‘I wish John-D would actually play me like a violin.” After a potent silence, Johnny broke out in laughter again. “And this is why you won’t choose any more hashtags,” Jaehyun groaned again. “Baby,” Johnny rasped into his mic and even though you weren’t wearing headphones, it sent tingles down your spine, “Just come to our frat party on Friday and I’ll see what I can do.” “Stop plugging our parties on the radio,” Jaehyun scolded the elder, the slap audible over the radio, “Also sly-merlin has to stand in line. You still have your number one admirer who has sent in a letter yet again.” “She still hasn’t come up to me,” Johnny shared, “I can only keep up my chastity for so long. I am saving myself for this girl.” You know he was joking but you were just a simple woman and even in your secluded home, you felt heat rising to your cheeks, your thumbs stopping on your keyboard where you had typed out your song recommendation. Both DJs shared a quiet laugh before Jaehyun asked: “And you really don’t know who she is?” “I really don’t man,” his friend sighed, “Like I have my suspicions because she has to be in my major if she sees me in class that often. That or she’s a stalker which I do not want to think about. But for real, hit me up. I’ll take you out for a coffee.” “Now everyone is going to come up to you and claim that they’re her.” “I’ll take that risk,” Johnny laughed, “Maybe I’ll finally meet the love of my life and settle down.” At that Jaehyun snorted loudly. “The woman that can make you settle down gets free coffee for like a month from me.” “Watch me have a wife and kids at 25 Jae, just to spite you,” his friend snorted, “But up until then, let’s play sly-merlin’s song recommendation: Sexy Dirty Love by Demi Lovato.”

While the song was playing, you finished up your own tweet and hit post before you grabbed your bag that you had carelessly thrown away before to get out your notes. You actually had to start a project for one of the classes you and Johnny actually did share. The professor had announced that he would announce the pairings for a group project tomorrow and you didn’t want to seem like an actual idiot if your group would decide to already meet up and discuss after class. So while you listened to your favorite DJs discuss the questions and worries of whoever had sent them to their email address, you worked through the notes you had taken over the last couple of weeks, trying your best to organize them to remember the key points.

“Oh John-D, I have a very special letter here,” Jaehyun said, waving the paper in front of the microphone so it would pick up the wiggling noises. “What could that be?” Johnny asked with over-exaggerated interest. “It’s from your secret admirer, John-D. So I think you should read it out.” Just like every time, they read your letter, your heart began beating faster and faster in your chest until you were sure, it would break free from your ribcage. “Okay, here I go,” Johnny announced while Jaehyun was playing the same cheesy music he always played when they were reading your letters, “Happy Thursday, John-D. The weekend is almost in reach, keep up the energy for the last day of classes! – she’s so sweet, I’m holding up alright – One of my professors will announce the pairings he made for a group project soon and I am nervous. I don’t have many friends in the course and I’m praying that I will get good group mates I can work well with.” “Oooh, I get that struggle,” Jaehyun interrupted, “I once had to work with a bunch of stoners and ended up doing all the work for a presentation that made up 30 percent of my grade. Worst experience of my life, would not recommend. But we’re wishing you all the luck.” “But you know what’s more interesting about this story?” Johnny tuned in, “Coincidentally my professor for my literature class is assigning our group projects tomorrow as well. Say, my sweet admirer, are you perhaps in the same literature class as me?” In your otherwise silent room, the panicked squeak you let out was loud even to your ears. There was no way Johnny could figure out who you were, there were probably at least 20 more girls with a crush on him in that class alone, so you were safe. “Oooh, so maybe she’s a lit major so that’s why she’s writing love letters.” “Could be but lots of people from different majors are taking that class,” Johnny argued, “Anyways, back to her letter. But I won’t let that disturb me! I will be doing my best regardless! – That’s the spirit – I’ll work through my notes as I listen to your honey voice so I can be prepared. I’m glad you don’t do viewable radios on Thursday’s or else I wouldn’t be able to get anything done, you’re just too distracting John-D,” at that Jaehyun let out a fake gag while Johnny just giggled softly, “Thank you secret admirer, I do clean up quite nicely if I do say so myself. – On last Sunday’s episode you melted my heart when you hid in your hoodie for half the show. – God that was the worst hangover I had in a looong while, I was so miserable.”

“You should have seen him at home,” Jaehyun laughed, “I had to physically drag his whole 180-something-centimeters body first into the shower, then into the car and into the station. He is the biggest crybaby when he’s hungover.” “Don’t expose me like that, Jaehyunie,” Johnny whined loudly, “I was dared to drink a bunch of tequila and my mother didn’t raise neither a quitter nor a coward.” “No, but clearly an idiot,” the younger DJ laughed his deep laugh. “Let me read my love letter in peace,” the other grumbled, “I couldn’t follow for half the show because I was so focused on watching you. Not in a creepy way of course! – Of course not,” Johnny chuckled, “I hope you finished that essay you had to work on after the show in time and still had some time to relax. – I did, don’t worry.” That you already knew when Johnny had handed in his essay in another class you two shared just before you had handed in yours and he had thrown you a little smile that had kept you going through the whole day. “Take care of yourself and keep smiling your beautiful smile, I look forward to seeing you again on Sunday or in classes. And fighting to Jae-D as well of course! – I look forward to hearing from you again, secret admirer. I bet your group project will go just fine, don’t worry too much. If anyone is mean to you, just expose them here and we’ll fight them for you.” “Love that she acknowledged me in one sentence as well,” Jaehyun grumbled, cutting off the cheesy music abruptly. “You’re just jealous you don’t have a sweet admirer who sends you cute messages,” the other teased his friend. “Yeah, yeah, shut up and put that letter in the box under your bed.” “It’s in my sock drawer, thank you very much.”

Giggling, you listened to the two friends bicker, your chest warm with a feeling you were scared to put a name on. “Anyways, I think it’s time for another music recommendation you can still send in via our lovely hashtag JohnDplaymelikeaviolin. This one is from lenaluvies and she says: Please play Hurts So Good by Astrid S thank you. No, thank you for sending something in darling. This one’s for you,” Johnny announced and you couldn’t help but laugh a little pained laugh. That song title hit a little too close to home for your liking. The rest of the radio show went by smoothly and Johnny and Jaehyun tried to help a handful of more students with their problems that couldn’t be more diverse. From a boy who had fallen in love with his best friend which had send him into an identity crisis over to a girl who was failing her classes because she claimed the professor hated her to a freshman who wanted to apply for a fraternity but was scared because of the rumors surrounding them which the DJs quickly debunked since they both were in the same fraternity. In the end they had to cut themselves short, asking their viewers to vote on a poll they would make if people wanted a whole Tuesday episode surrounding fraternities.

“So.” “So,” Johnny copied his friend. “We’re almost at the end of our time with you guys. We couldn’t get through all of your submissions but we hope our team picked a few good ones and at least some of you could get some advice.” “As always you’re free to send us your own stories to our e-mail [email protected] to get some advice next Thursday from your favorite DJs: John-D.” “And Jae-D. Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday on your campus radio on 127mHz. On NCT-“ “Night Night,” they said their ending together and just like every night with them, you said goodnight to your computer screen, closing the tab which draped your little apartment in silence. Sighing loudly, you looked over your notes that needed a little more work if you wanted to make a good first impression on your fellow students tomorrow. Because you couldn’t stand the silence, you opened your Spotify to play the NCT Night Night playlist Johnny and Jaehyun had made with the songs that had been recommended to them, still missing the new additions from tonight.

The next morning found you in your literature class, sitting two rows behind Johnny, staring at the back of his head while doodling on your paper rather than taking notes on whatever the professor was saying. If you were to let your eyes wander, you’d see that almost everyone in the big room was paying as much or even less attention as you were; the students in different states of excitement and anxiety over the group projects he had yet to announce. “I’m sorry professor,” Johnny’s voice suddenly cut through the room, “I’m sure you have already noticed that no one is paying attention to whatever you’re trying to teach us right now. Could you please just announce the groups for the project?” That moment you swore you would be able to hear a pin drop until your eccentric professor chuckled lowly. “I like you, Suh. I was waiting for someone to mention it,” he spoke, getting the dreaded list out of his bag, “Listen closely now, you’ll be assigned in groups of four and each group will get a specific novel to work on. Deadline will be by the end of the semester and your individual paper combined with the group presentation will make up 40% of your final grade.” That made a bunch of people, including you, gasp out loudly. A group project with this much credit to your final grade was always dreaded. “I don’t want to hear any complaints, that’s how it’s always been. Now listen carefully, I won’t repeat myself but the list will be hung on our blackboard as well.” With that being said, the professor began listing names and novels in the most monotone voice he could muster. To say you were basically vibrating off of your seat was an understatement when he got further and further down the list and neither yours nor Johnny’s name had been called yet. “And lastly, an all-time favorite: Romeo and Juliet.” You didn’t even register anything else after the professor had announced that the group featured both Johnny and you along with two other students you didn’t know. Your brain was reduced to static noise while everyone else was getting up around you to pick up the books that had already been stacked in a corner, probably by a poor TA. Only when a person bumped into you, you broke from your stupor to quickly pick up your stuff as well to hurry down to steps to where a crowd of students had already gathered.

Luckily Johnny towered over most of the other students and you could easily spot him and the rest of your group that were two other boys you didn’t recognize. “Hey, you’re the last one we were missing,” Johnny smiled and handed you over your copy of the book. “Y... Yeah, sorry for making you wait,” you stuttered, clutching the small book tightly in your hands. “No big deal,” Johnny played it off, “Do any of you have any more classes today?” When everyone declined, you all agreed that you should get a head start on your project as it would be hard to make a good project out of such an overused love story. While walking over to the student center to decide on a concept, conversation flowed easily between the four of you even though you were still really nervous to be around Johnny. God, you really hoped he didn’t think you were stupid or something just because you were nervous.

The little study session went by in a blur and only further confirmed that you were so whipped for Johnny it wasn’t even funny anymore. You found yourself attentively listening to all of his ideas and laughing at every of his stupid little jokes and only mildly spacing out while looking at Johnny when the others were discussing ideas which had led to one or two mildly embarrassing situations where you would lose track of what you were actually discussing, your mind blank of any input when they asked for your opinion.

Soon you found yourself parting ways with your groupmates, leaving you and Johnny alone because his frat house and your little apartment were located in the same general direction. “Anything fun you’re doing this evening?” Johnny asked, trying to make some light conversation to fill the silence. “No, I’ll just binge watch some shows maybe or listen to the campus radio,” you shrugged it off. While today’s show wasn’t your favorite, you quite liked the DJs soft and gentle voice. “You listen to the campus radio? I have a show on there,” Johnny smiled. “I like listening to you and Jaehyun,” you confessed, trying to fight the heat that was licking at your cheeks. “Oh.” “You seem surprised.” “Yeah, it kind of still seems weird that people enjoy listening to Jae and me rambling for hours on end. You know with him it just feels like I’m hanging out with my brother rather than work.” “Your voices are really soothing, you know,” you tried to explain what you were feeling when listing to them, “And your friendship is kind of adorable. Like we can feel how much you care about each other and you always genuinely try to help your listeners without making fun of them.” For a while Johnny didn’t say anything and you thought you had fucked it up, that he thought you were weird now. “Thank you,” he suddenly said. “Huh?” “It means a lot hearing that. We do lurk on Twitter to see what people think of our show but hearing it like this is something else entirely.” “It’s nothing,” you mused, playfully hitting his arm, “No need to get this soft.” “Hey,” he laughed, “I’ll have you know that I am 180 centimeters of walking softness despite what people might say about me.” Smiling softly you caught his eyes for the first time since you two had started walking and the way his honey eyes were smiling back at you momentarily took your breath away.

“I- My room is right around here, sooooo,” you stuttered. “It was nice working with you. Even though you were spacing out half the time,” Johnny teased, “Thinking about a special someone?” You. The word sat on the tip of your tongue, the low light of the afternoon sun making you bolder than you actually were and Johnny just made you feel incredibly comfortable. “No... No- I- I’m single.” “A crush then?” “Something like that,” you mumbled, your fingers nervously playing with the hem of your jacket. “Talk to him. Or her. Or them,” Johnny advised. “I really can’t,” you sighed, “He doesn’t even know I exist.” “Well you don’t need to confess your undying love for him,” he laughed, not knowing he was the boy in question, “Just you know. Casually talk to him. Get to know him.” “I’ll try?” “Is that a question?” “Yeah?” “Have more confidence in yourself,” he gently nudged you, “You’re nice and very easy to talk to.” “Nice... Wow.” “Shut up,” he laughed, “I usually give better compliments but I have yet to get to know you better.” “Would you... Would you even want that?” “Sure,” Johnny shrugged and your heart skipped a couple of beats, “I have to get going or everybody will already be drunk when I arrive. So... I’ll see you in class? And you’ll hear me on Sunday?” “Yeah sure. Don’t drink too much or you will be miserable all show like last week,” you giggled. “Don’t remind me,” he groaned, “I’m never going to drink tequila on a Saturday ever again.” “Goodbye Johnny,” you smiled, really liking how his name sounded when you said it out loud. “Bye,” he waved before going his way.

Once you were sure he was out of hearing distance, you let out a little happy squeak and jumped up and down excitedly. You did it. You had actually done it. You had talked to your crush. And managed to not make a complete fool out of yourself in front of him. Which was a win in your books. A huge win. With a little spring in your steps, you stepped by one of your favorite pizza places to treat yourself before heading home where you spend your evening daydreaming about none other than Johnny while watching reruns of old dramas.

“Hi, I’m Jae-D.” “And I am John-D. Welcome to NCT-“ “Night Night.” “John-D.” “Yes, Jae-D,” Johnny chuckled. “It’s Thursday again which means it’s time to tend to our listener’s worries,” Jaehyun read off of the script, not getting distracted by his friend’s antics, “And today is a very special episode.” “Special?” Jaehyun barely repressed to roll his eyes at his friend’s over-exaggerated acting before continuing: “Yes, since tomorrow is a day off for all students, we have decided to make this episode extra lengthy and-“ he shortly stopped to flash the camera a peace sign, “Viewable despite it being Thursday.” “Do we look okay?” Johnny laughed, checking himself out in the video that was playing on one of their monitors. “Aaaaah, the comments say we look good tonight, thank you,” Jaehyun mused.

And they really did. Not that either of them had to do a whole lot to look good but today they were both wearing white button-downs with their sleeves rolled up to expose their forearms. Jaehyun had even gone so far as to put on some fake glasses. “And if you’re following us on our Twitter you also already know that this week it’s all about love on our campus radio and our show today is no exception,” Johnny read his part of the script. “Today John-D and Jae-D are Loveholics, trying our very best to help you with your problems surrounding love,” Jaehyun completed, “You can send in song recommendations through the hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic just like taryn1026 did – I hope I said that right – but they recommended Paris in the Rain by Lauv to set the mood for today.”

The soft tunes of the song made you relax a little into your sofa where you had chosen to watch today’s episode of NCT Night Night. You had to say that you were kind of nervous for today’s episode. Just like every week you had written your letter to Johnny, telling him about your week and cheering him on for your group project. At this point it should have been pretty obvious just who exactly you were and judging by how Johnny was acting towards you, his flirting leaving you flustered after your study sessions and your group mates mildly annoyed, he seemed to already have put together the pieces. But yesterday while writing your letter you had felt extra bold (and maybe also extra riled up and horny from Johnny’s shameless flirting) and had written him a message that should confirm all his suspicions and would hopefully lead him straight to you and into your bed. But until the end of the show or at least until they read your letter, which you really hoped they did today as well, you had to wait sitting in your apartment, for once not in comfortable clothes but in a nice shirt and pants.

“That was Paris in the Rain by Lauv, recommended to us by taryn1026 through our Twitter with the hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic,” Johnny’s raspy voice filled your apartment when he leaned close to the mic, “Jae-D are you ready to make some love happen?” “I already had my love juice,” Jaehyun answered, showing his pink Starbucks drink to the camera, “And my reading glasses are on.” As to prove his point, he hiked his glasses up his nose before scratching his eye through the holes in the frame, making both DJs chuckle. For the next hour Johnny and Jaehyun tried to solve several relationship dramas as well as a very tricky friends-with-benefits situation and telling a boy to break up with his cheating girlfriend which had been a rather heartbreaking discussion. “So after this,” Jaehyun sighed, “Let’s play another song recommendation. Burtonized has sent in a very fitting song, I hope you all don’t mind a little Korean: It’s God Damn by I.M – a song about heartbreak.”

While the foreign song was playing, the two DJs stretched their backs and sipped on their respective drinks: Jaehyun still on his pink sugar concoction and Johnny already on his second iced Americano. Jaehyun must have found something funny on his phone, nudging his friend to look at him but Johnny was busy typing away on his own, only acknowledging his friend after he had typed his message. Just after that, your own phone buzzed with a message, showing Johnny’s name on the screen.

From: Johnny Are you watching our show?

To: Johnny Sure, you look good today

From: Johnny Make sure to listen closely ;)

“That was God Damn by I.M suggested by burtonized over our Twitter hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic,” Jaehyun’s smooth voice tore you from your spiraling thoughts about the winking face Johnny had sent. “Sadly our show is coming to an end even with our extended airtime.” “But John-D a very important letter is still missing before we close our show. Dare I say it could be the highlight of our show,” Jaehyun joked, already playing the cheesy music he was always playing when Johnny would read your letters. “You’re right Jae-D my lovely secret admirer has sent in another letter,” Johnny mused, arranging himself so he could read the printed out letter while being as close as possible to the mic for it to pick up the rasp in his voice, “Happy Thursday John-D, I hope your week has been more exciting than mine. I have just been going from class to class without much thought, the only high points are my group meetings for the group project we have to hand in soon – That seems very familiar, baby – But since today is all about love, I’ll tell you about a little problem I have: – get your love juice ready, Jae – There is this boy in my group. And boy isn’t really the right word to describe him, he’s a man really,” at that Johnny couldn’t hold back a low chuckle, “I’m sorry, I’ll be serious – And he is flirting with me. Has been for a couple of weeks now. And it has gotten to the point where our groupmates are kind of annoyed at us. He has also walked me home a couple of times but he never so much as touched me. At this point I am so frustrated with him. Is he just playing with me? Or is his mouth bigger than his actions actually are? He has been riling me up all day today and I was ready to let him have his way with me but he only wished me goodnight and left again, leaving me to deal with what he had done all by myself – oh wow, I,” Johnny stuttered, sharing a gaze with his friend who was only barely repressing his laughter, “Wow, okay, I hope we’re in the good for reading this out and it’s late enough,” clearing his voice and raking a hand through his hair, Johnny continued, “John-D I hope this man hears what he has done to me and will deal with the consequences of his actions. Would you play Animal by Jin Yosef and RIELL for me? Just in case this letter hasn’t gotten my point across? – Y... Yeah sure, darling. We’ll play that once our show is over.”

“So John-D,” Jaehyun grinned while loudly slurping on his ‘love juice’, “What would you advice your secret admirer to do about this problem?” “Well if I were her,” Johnny started, his gaze going straight to the camera where he knew you were watching and it felt like he was looking straight into your soul, “I’d wait for him. I’m pretty sure he can prove that his actions speak even louder than his words.” For a while it was quiet between the two DJs, safe for Jaehyun’s obnoxiously loud slurping noises but even if they would have been saying anything, you weren’t sure if you could have comprehended any words with how furiously your heart was beating. “Anyways,” Jaehyun eventually broke the silence once he was sure there was nothing left in his ‘love juice’, “I’m afraid that was it for tonight. This has been your extra lengthy episode of Jae-D and John-D and we will leave you with this wonderful song recommendation: Animal by Jin Yosef and RIELL. If you’ve liked today’s show, we’re here every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday night on your campus radio on 127mHz to listen to all of your worries on NCT-“ “Night Night,” Johnny joined in and they both waved into the camera as your song of choice started playing. The video stream didn’t cut off immediately, showing the boys gathering their things and if your eyes weren’t betraying you, you swore you saw Johnny tense up when the song turned a little more explicit. The two DJs waved to the camera one last time before the stream cut off, leaving the screen of your laptop dark.

That was when it dawned on you what you had done. Shit. With how Johnny had sounded, you probably had about fifteen to twenty minutes until he would be at your doorstep. Oh god. Shit. Taking a couple of deep breaths, you tried to ground yourself before hurriedly closing your laptop and cleaning everything that seemed messy in your little one-room apartment. That was until you heard a knock on your door.

With shaky hands, you slowly opened the door and while you knew who would be standing on the other side, you weren’t ready for how he was going to look like: Johnny was leaning against the doorway casually with his arms crossed over his chest so the tight button-down he was wearing would strain over the planes of his chest muscles but what really reeled you in was how dark his eyes looked when he raked them over your body. “Good evening miss,” he drawled. “Hi,” you breathed. “Tell me what you want so I’m not misinterpreting any of this,” Johnny all but growled, one of his hands coming up to cup your face. “I want you to have me.” If you thought his eyes were dark before, they turned into bottomless black orbs once the words had left your lips. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, baby.” “Please,” you whimpered and that seemed to break Johnny’s resolve as he pulled you close to him and all but crashed his lips into yours. The kiss wasn’t delicate in any way, shape or form with how Johnny was licking into your mouth the second a moan left your lips. His tongue was intertwining with yours messily and in no time both of you were panting into each other’s mouths. “Inside. Now,” you rasped. “All with due time,” Johnny chuckled but let you pull him into your apartment, slamming the door shut to crowd you against it, one of his strong thighs slipping between your legs like it belonged there, “If you’re a good girl and listen well, I’ll give you anything you want.” “Fuck,” you cursed before slamming your lips together again, a new neediness bleeding into the kiss as you tugged on the longer strands of hair at the back of Johnny’s neck which made him growl lowly. “Anything off-limits?” Johnny breathed into your skin as he kissed down your neck to suck a mark there while his hands were busy pulling your shirt from your pants so he could rake them over your naked skin. “Just,” you had to cut yourself off with a moan, “Don’t be mean to me.” “Never,” he promised, “You’ll be my pillow princess.” His sweet words were in stark contrast to how hard his hands were gripping your hips and how his teeth were grazing over your neck that must be littered with marks already. “Take me to bed,” you heaved breathlessly, positive your legs would give out if it wasn’t for Johnny holding you up.

Listening to your demand, he slowly started walking you backwards towards your bed until the two of you were toppling down on top of the covers, his lips never leaving your skin. Whoever had spread the rumors about Johnny being a great lover had been absolutely right, he knew just how to touch you to have you gasping for air and judging by the grin on his lips he hadn’t even started yet. “Please,” you whimpered, arching into his touch, not exactly sure what exactly you were asking for but Johnny seemed to know all the better when he freed you from your top and pants to leave you in your matching lace set while he was still fully clothed in his by now wrinkled button-up and pants. “All for me?” He chuckled and pressed a kiss right between the valley of your breasts, his big hands cupping the soft flesh to squeeze it gently. “Have me,” you gasped out and you could feel the growl he let out vibrating where you were pressed together. “I’m going to ruin you,” Johnny promised, pulling down the cups of your bra to wrap his plush lips around one of your nipples to tease the soft nub until it hardened under his ministrations, sending waves of pleasure down your spine and straight to your core where you could feel your wetness starting to seep into the fabric of your panties. “Johnny,” you mewled and arched into his every touch, his calloused fingertips setting your skin alight when he let them travel down your body to tease over your lower stomach. As if by reflex, you let your thighs fall open for him to finally touch you where you needed him the most. “Such a good girl,” he smiled, blowing cold air over your spit-slicked nipple to watch you squirm beneath him. Your remark got stuck in your throat when he finally cupped you through your panties, feeling how damp the fabric had already become. “Naughty,” he chuckled, his eyes never leaving your face as he circled your clit through the fabric, watching your eyes fluttering shut when his gaze became too intense.

“Johnny,” you sighed, forgetting all other words except for his name. “Relax, princess,” he rasped and kissed his way down your body, leaving love bites on the sensitive skin of your stomach and thighs that shook with anticipation. If you’d say you hadn’t dreamed about his lips on you like this, you would lie and you weren’t going to miss the sight of this for nothing. Fighting back the fog that had started to cloud your mind, you forced your eyes open to look down to where he had settled between your open thighs to find him staring right back at you. “Good girl,” he praised you again before pressing a kiss over your clothed sex that made your head fall back already, the anticipation of what was to come making you push up your hips which made Johnny chuckle lowly. He didn’t leave you any time to feel embarrassed by how needy you were when he hooked your panties to the side unceremoniously and licked a broad stripe up your center, tasting your arousal. “Oh fuck,” you breathed out, your hands flying down to tangle them in the long strands of his hair. Johnny worked his tongue in slow and clever strokes, leaving your mind reeling with pleasure and taking his time to take you apart piece by piece, not even paying attention to your leaking center or your aching clit. But when he did wrap his lips around your clit to gently suck on the nub, your mind almost went numb with how intense his touch was, your thighs clamping shut around him. To make it even worse, he started humming around you while prying your thighs back open, holding you down with his large hands. You felt your orgasm approach almost embarrassingly fast now that he was altering between teasing your clit with his tongue, lips and even his teeth and fucking your velvety walls with his tongue, setting your nerve endings on fire. “Johnny I’m close,” you warned him but instead of slowing down, he stretched his jaw wide to press his tongue further into you, his nose bumping into your clit in the process and with the combined sensation and his doubled effort, it took no time for your first orgasm of the night to wash over you, a scream of his name leaving your lips as you shook through it, your mind going equally as numb as your legs.

When you came back to it, Johnny had straightened up between your legs and he was grinning down at you while he was unbuttoning his shirt, his face still shiny with your arousal. “That was the first one,” he spoke darkly. “Come here,” you whined, making grabby hands for him until he took pity on you and covered your body with his before connecting your lips in a bruising kiss. You could still taste yourself on his lips but that somehow just made it even hotter.

“Want you inside me,” you panted against his lips when Johnny broke the kiss in favor of raking his teeth over your racing pulse. “Yeah?” He rasped and ground his hips down into yours, making you feel him strain against the fabric of his pants. “Need it,” you moaned at the sweet friction. “Think you can take me?” He laughed as he leaned back on his hunches to pop open the button of his pants, pulling down the zipper agonizingly slow. With wide eyes you watched him push his pants down his narrow hips, leaving him in just his navy boxers that showed the sizable imprint of his hard cock, the fabric against the head dark from where he had leaked precum. Chuckling, he stroked over the outline and just the sight alone made your mouth water. “Show me,” you breathed, spreading your thighs so he could see your needy core, clenching around nothing. “Hmm,” he hummed, dragging one of his fingers that wasn’t preoccupied with teasing himself through the mess of arousal and his saliva between your legs, only barely dipping it into you to feel the muscles trying to suck him inside. “Don’t tease me,” you whined high in your throat. “But I like seeing you squirm,” Johnny grinned but took mercy on you and sunk his finger into you up to the knuckle, gently pumping it inside you. Still sensitive from how intense your last orgasm had been, you were torn between pulling away and wanting more but Johnny made the decision for you when he pulled his finger out, wiping your arousal onto your thigh.

“Eyes on me,” he commanded and finally freed his cock from his briefs. “Fuck.” The curse left your lips without even noticing at the sight of his flushed cock, too heavy to properly stand up against his toned abs. The tip was tinted red and shiny with precum that Johnny generously spread down that whole length, his eyes not leaving yours as you watched him lazily jerk himself. “Like what you see?” You eagerly nodded your head. “Want it inside me.” “Yeah? Show me.”

Throwing all caution out of the window, you quickly sucked two of your fingers between your lips before guiding them to your weeping core to slip them inside you, letting out an over-exaggerated moan as you crooked them. “Oh you’re so naughty, baby,” Johnny groaned, squeezing the base of his cock tightly as he watched you fingering yourself and if you had even one coherent thought left in your head, you’d have the decency to be embarrassed because of how intensely he was staring. “It’s not enough,” you pouted, pulling your fingers free and spreading them to look at the slick covering them, “I’m so wet for you.” “Such a dirty mouth,” he groaned, quickly grabbing his pants to fish a condom from his wallet to roll over his hard length. “Please, Johnny,” you hiccupped, winding your legs around his waist to pull him closer to you. “Sssh, princess,” he soothed you, running his hands over your torso before bending down to press tender kisses to your stomach, “I’ll take care of you.” “Please kiss me.”

Dropping his elbows next to your head to support his weight, he covered your body with his and caught your lips in a kiss much too tender for your current situation, taking his time to explore your mouth until you were perfectly pliant beneath him. “Tell me if it hurts,” he whispered into the small space between you while he snaked a hand between your bodies to guide his cock to your core. When the head slipped in without much resistance, both of you let out twin moans of pleasure. Painstakingly slowly Johnny pushed inside you, centimeter by centimeter until his hips were flush to yours. “Breathe, princess,” he reminded you because you indeed had held your breath and had buried your nails in his biceps. “Shit, you’re big,” you cursed. “So I’ve been told,” Johnny chuckled and peppered your face and neck with little kisses while he slowly ground his hips so you could get used to him inside you.

“Move,” you demanded after a while. “What’s the magic word baby?” He grinned. “Please, Johnny,” you whimpered, clenching down on him. “Once more.” “Don’t make me beg.” “But you sound so pretty when you do,” he chuckled, only barely moving his hips. “Johnny please,” you whined, trying your best to move on his cock on your own but the angle was just not working out. “Oh, you want to do the work?” “I want you to move,” you groaned, pawing at his chest.

“But I think you’d look so pretty riding my cock,” Johnny rasped and in one fluid movement, he had sat up and pulled you onto his lap. Shit, it felt like he was even deeper now. “Come on, princess.” Whining, you wound your arms around his shoulders and pulled your legs beneath you so you could lift your hips up to make his cock smoothly slide out, the friction just right before you slowly dropped back down again, earning you an appreciative groan from Johnny. “That’s right, baby,” he praised you as you slowly found a comfortable pace, swiveling your hips until the angle was just right. Tightening the grip you had on his shoulders to use it as leverage, you began riding him in earnest, impaling yourself on his cock over and over again until your head was spinning and your thighs started to burn. “Come on, doll,” Johnny grinned, catching one of your nipples between his lips. Whining, you rolled your hips faster until your thighs began shaking. “Need help?” He just grinned, his big hands holding onto your hips to help you move up and down his cock at a steadier pace. “Please Johnny,” you hiccupped, hiding your face in his neck to ground yourself, “Please fuck me.” “Am I not doing just that?” He chuckled, filthily grinding his cock inside you. “Do it right,” you panted into his skin, “Fuck me like you mean it.”

“Then get on your hands and knees for me, baby.” He didn’t have to tell you twice, it was almost comical how quickly you obeyed his command and arched your back for him. “Hmm, that’s it,” he praised you, tracing the curve of your spine with his hands until he reached the space between your shoulder blades where he gently pushed down to make you arch even further. “So good and pliant for me, just waiting to be filled.” “Please,” you just whined again, past the point of caring about how pathetic you sounded, begging for his cock. “Say it baby,” he demanded, slapping his cock against your wet folds. “Please fuck me Johnny. Please. I want your cock inside me so badly. Want you to fuck me until I can’t even remember my own name anymore. Please I need it. I-“ your frantic rambling got cut off by the surprised moan leaving your lips as he thrust into you without any warning. “Don’t hold back baby,” Johnny rasped before gripping your hips tightly to finally fuck you in earnest, the sound of skin slapping together loud in the otherwise silent room. “God, your ass looks amazing,” he moaned, burying himself in your tight heat over and over again, mesmerized by how his cock was glistening in the low light and how easily your body opened up for him, “You’re basically made to take my cock.” You could only mewl at his dirty words and fist the sheets tightly in your hands as you tried to meet his thrusts as best as you could while you felt like you got your soul fucked right out of you.

“Feels so good,” you slurred when you felt the familiar knot in your stomach ready to snap, clenching around Johnny’s cock. “God baby, if you keep clenching like that I’m gonna cum,” Johnny cursed, grabbing you by the neck to pull you up against his chest, the pace of his hips only getting faster. “Please Johnny. Want it inside,” you whined, letting him use your body how he wanted to relish in the low moans he let out. “You want me to fill you up baby?” “Want it so bad, Johnny,” you mewled. “Then cum for me. Cum on my cock and I’ll give you anything you want.” And oh god. You had never thought that the strained sound of a couple of words could be enough to actually trip you over the edge but the rasp in Johnny’s voice had you falling apart in his arms, your orgasm ripping through you so hard it had your thighs shaking. “Such a good girl,” Johnny praised you before he let out a low guttural moan and fucked into you once – then twice – before his hips came to a halt, emptying his cum inside the condom.

For a while you two just panted loudly before Johnny gently laid you back down onto the mattress, chuckling lowly when you whined at the loss of his cock. “Shit,” you giggled while he quickly got rid of the condom, throwing it in the general direction of your trashcan. So tender you could have missed it, Johnny pressed a row of kisses down your spine until he reached the swell of your ass. “Cuddle me,” you pouted, making grabby hands at him. “We’re sweaty, princess,” he laughed but gave in when you kept pouting. “I don’t care,” you whined, fitting your head beneath his, wrapping your arms and legs around his body to cling to him like a koala. “You’re cute,” he smiled, pressing his lips to your forehead.

“For how long did you know?” “Know what?” Johnny asked, clearly confused. “That I was your secret admirer.” “I didn’t.” “It was so obvious,” you groaned. “Okay maybe I got a hunch after we started that group project. But you never said anything.” “What was I supposed to say? Oh Johnny, by the way, I’m the one who has been writing you cringey love letters for like half a year already. Please go out with me?” That made Johnny laugh, the sound melodic in the quiet of your room. “I would have said yes, you know?” He spoke lowly, “I’ll miss your letters.” “What makes you think I will stop writing them?” “Because you can tell me all that stuff in person now when we go on dates.” “We’ll go on dates?” “That’s what people do when they like each other, princess,” Johnny chuckled, “And I really like you. Both as my secret admirer and my classmate.” “Oh my god stop,” you whined, hiding your hot face in his chest, feeling shy all of a sudden while Johnny was just laughing.

“I like you too,” you eventually mumbled once it had gotten quiet again. “I figured,” he teased you. “I changed my mind,” you immediately shot back, rising from where you were cuddled into his chest but every other protest died on your tongue when you saw his dreamy expression, his honey eyes finding yours and completely ignoring the fact that you were still very much naked. “Date me,” he said. “Okay,” you answered, easily meeting his lips in a sweet kiss that wouldn’t be the last one you two shared tonight.

“Hello and welcome back, that was Middle Of The Night by Monsta X, suggested to us by raibebe through our Twitter with the hashtag JonJaeLoveTalk. We’re your DJ’s John-D.” “And Jae-D on NCT Night Night. Hello again to all of our listeners. John-D.” “Yes Jae-D,” Johnny chuckled, leaning back in his chair. “Something is off today. I looked through our mail and there was no letter from your secret admirer.” “Oh really,” he feigned surprise. “Either they didn’t send anything in or our director got sick of the pining.” “I can calm you right back down Jae-D,” Johnny smiled, “Because she simply doesn’t need to send any more letters. I finally found her.” “No way. For real? And you didn’t tell me? I have to find out through our radio show? Friendship is dead,” Jaehyun sighed dramatically and you couldn’t help but chuckle. “Jae-D you know you’ll always be the number one in my heart, you know that.” At that Jaehyun let out fake gagging noises that made both friends chuckle.

“No but for real. I finally found her and asked her out. It’s going great so yeah,” Johnny shrugged, “In case you’re listening baby: I’m dropping by later and bring sushi.” “This is so domestic already,” Jaehyun sighed dramatically, “Where is my secret admirer?” “Maybe you could find love as well if you stopped acting like the textbook example of a frat boy.” “What is that even supposed to mean?”

Smiling, you leaned back on your sofa and listened to your boyfriend bickering with his best friend. Boyfriend. That sounded good even though it still felt unreal. Love Letters weren’t dead after all it seemed.

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