#oblivious motherfuckers

[wolfstarshipping]

The Things We'd Do For A Coffee Maker (6805 words) by AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs Rating: General Audiences Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter muggle AU, fake dating

Summary: In which to cover up a lie to Lily, Sirius and Remus have No Choice but to get fake married.   “So what you’re saying is, you’re planning to marry Sirius for. . . fun?” “And for a coffee maker, yes.”

Comment: This fic had everything I want from a fake dating fic, and the premise of Sirius sending Lily a fake wedding invite to get a free coffee maker is just so hilarious, if you haven't read it already I highly recommend reading it!

#wolfstar #remus lupin #sirius black #the things we'd do for a coffee maker #allthisandlovetoowillruinus #fake dating #fic rec #wolfstar fic #Fake/Pretend Relationship #Fake Marriage #Muggle AU #Get together fic #gryffinwhore sirius #flatmates to lovers #minor Jily #oblivious motherfuckers #wingman james #Past Child Abuse #AU #non magic AU

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i have a Scene - a Plot if you will - that backs this as context. y'all are gonna have to trust me on this one <3 or read the tags...

#the song is 'in your eyes' by peter gabriel #boombox serenade lets GO!!! #in my mind immediately after this the others came over to say hi (or in sallys case tell him off) #and at first howdy's like 'oh ofc wallys there that makes sense. sally too? strange but alright' #then eddie appears and ohhhh boy its Jealousy Central Babey and howdy's train just pulled into the station #scribble salad #laughingstock #welcome home #barnaby x howdy #howdy x barnaby #OK CONTEXT I PROMISED CONTEXT #so in my mind howdy is an oblivious dumbass when it comes to his own romantic feelings. #he's so in love with barnaby (its very obvious) but Doesnt Realize It. despite being a god tier flirty fruity motherfucker #so when barnaby - thinking theyre on the same page - confesses #howdy's all like 'ohhh um. gee barn im flattered truly but - i just dont like you like that' #yk breaking barnaby's heart right down the middle #so barnaby shuts himself in his home and wally is hovering. yk Worried #and eddie - who's been helping barnaby come to terms w/ his own feelings & gauge if howdy feels the same - asks sally to check in for him #& sally goes over and Immediately involves herself. she takes personal offense on barnaby's behalf #also she lives for the drama and wants every juice detail Hot Off The Press #so while howdy is having a lil crisis as he slowly realizes Oh My Fucking God I DO Love Barnaby Like That- #barnaby / sally / wally / (eventually) eddie are all having a sleepover where they just play card games and chat #a good ol bitch n' stitch night #and howdy shows up to try and talk to barns (obvs in my head he doesnt have a boombox he just Knocks) #only to get RE-RE-RE-REJECTEDDDDDD!!!! thats how it feels you wormy mf! #bc barnaby is a) having a girls night & b) needs to emotionally prepare for That conversation #aaaaand THATS the context <3

[kittyklok]

I HOPES EVERYONES AMNS HAVINGS A GOOD AFTERNOONS. BECAUSE I AMS GOING TO STRANGLES A VERY ATRAKTIVES MANS TODAY I SWEAR

#metalocalypse rp #toki wartooth rp #rp blog #ask blog #💀🐇 #🌟🌈 #//in love but at what cost??? man being the most oblivious motherfucker

[schizosamwincester]

Dean: "Maybe? Maybe? What if you were wrong?"

Sam: "Huh. Honestly that thought hadn't occurred to me"

I love you so much Sam Winchester

#this is actually more evidence for my schizo sam headcanon #because i also used to accidentally say stuff that implied i thought i was smarter than absolutely everyone else #oblivious to social cues and all that #neurodivergent motherfucker #supernatural #spn #sam winchester

[rascheln]

SQQ, seeing a pretty man: immediately launches into description of how beautiful the guy is

SQQ: "I'm not gay!!"

Me:

#svsss #shaking him by the shoulders till SY almost gets knocked loose: 'You repressed! oblivious!! motherfucker!!!'

[adastra121]

Leander: If I was the last person in the world would you date me? owo MC: If you were the last person in the world... MC: I wouldn't exist...?

#Leander canonically does not have negative rizz but I just wanted to make him suffer with an oblivious mc #do you guys have an absolute dense motherfucker of an mc? #I have two — it would be Jin and the unnamed #more so the unnamed #touchstarved #touchstarved leander #leander x mc #mc x leander #incorrect quote #incorrect quotes #source: unknown

[t4tdanvis]

Zane makes Gene’s coffee order perfectly out of spite and Gene keeps trying to talk to him because well. No one else makes his drink right. And Zane’s really hot. He can handle being insulted if it means he can have a proper coffee and he can oogle Zane while he makes drinks.

zane memorizes gene's coffee order. out of spite of course. he also knows exactly when gene comes in every morning. for no reason other than to prepare the flirty mean things hes going to say

#❄.txt #ask box #every time gene comes in zane is just 'you again 🙄' in the meanest tone. while also saying 'yeah i know' before gene even says his order #gene is busy texting someone while zane just stares at him gayly. gene notices but is like 'i mustve done something wrong' #gene is very in love with zane and zane 100% knows. zane is like 'no no no i CANT be falling for this motherfucker' #gene literally has no idea that zane is also in love with him hes the most oblivious person ever #zane literally gives gene his number and gene is just like 'huh. weird' and thinks nothing of it #zane isnt even That good at hiding his crush. gene is just very dense #sometimes sasha and/or zenix will go with gene to get coffee and every time theyre just like '... 🏳️‍🌈?'

[mentality-of-wukong-au]

Mathias:you very sure..?

Zhong: Definitely! I wanna be friends, really!

#lego monkie kid #lmk au #lmk season four #lmk oc #OBLIVIOUS MOTHERFUCKER-

[lexicog]

𝖠 A AＡ ♫𝅗𝅥

#art #doodle #cartoon #silly guy #the me guy #my art #warming up my Male Voice by singing cruel angel's thesis cover by ryo horikawa #wish i had that cover when i was 13 man it would have awoken some shit in me much much earlier #also it's just easier to sing lol those high notes in the original are rough #well... nevermnd who am i kidding they're still difficult in the cover #my comfortable range always skewed pretty low i think i could have been a bass singer in school if i was amab #distinct middleschool memory of seeing the music teacher telling another kid he could be a bass in choir and feeling a palpable yearning #and after that i would always look up e2 tuning drone and try to match it and i kind of could on a good day #AND I STILL DID NOT REALIZE I WANTED TO BE A MAN. that was. not even the most obvious sign #brother i was so fucking oblivious #wait hang on a moment #YAAAAAAA I CAN DO AN E2 EASY it's near the edge of my range and i can't project it too much but #i feel like this means my casual vocal training is paying off #can i get a motherfucking hip hip hooray

[friendball-irl]

where the FUCK is my phone

Been looking for it all day and I've resorted to using my computer

Meh, regardless

How are you guys doing today?

#ooc: one oblivious motherfucker #ooc: just like me lmao #pokemon irl #unreality #in character #graystuff

[friendsforanotherday]

like i know teenage boys can be absolute clowns but you guys DO remember that Mike isn’t even 15 yet right?

#the asshole speaks #stranger things #acting like he's a monster for being oblivious and not being good at feelings is bizarre when you've got a guy literally targetting traumati #*traumatised minors and murdering them in the worst fucking way possible for essentially world domination #'''he didn't tell El he loved her until she got her powers bacl'''' #motherfucker she was arrested the morning after the arguement? he didn't have the fucking chance???

[superdummymags]

nothin like overthinking an ask you got before you go to eep

#mags talks #tldr i got an anon ask as part of an ask game and one of their choices was “i think i love you. actually not think. i love you” #and ive heen thinking about it cause im a real oblivious dense motherfucker #cause on one hand. they also replied “i fangirl kinda when you post” so it could just be platonic “i really like your account” #but on the other hand they were on anon so like. i dunno im overthinking it #anon ( who sent the ask not to be confused with my good friend and renowned lizord anon ) feel free to clarify #i mean i guess someone could lie on the internet and pretend to be that anon so. uhm. #man i really do overthink things. not deleting any of this though i like rambling

[yourplayersaidwhat]

The party is trying to convince a little girl to come with him so they can hold her for ransom, they meet her at the inn. 

Paladin: Hey, it’s ok! You’ll get to see your parents again, I promise, just come with us!

DM: The little girl still looks wary of you.

Rogue assassin, pushing him aside before leaning in real close and slamming her knife into the table a few inches away from her hand: Do you want to see your family again?

DM: the little girl backs away and starts crying.

Bard: nice going, pussyshits. How the hell are we supposed to kidnap her now?

Wizzard: I cast sleep.

Ranger: ooh, and I put her in the bag of holding, leaving it open so she can breath.

DM: ok what the fuck you guys-

Fighter: I SEAL IT, DIE MOTHERFUCKER!

Bard: WE NEED HER FOR RANSOM HANDS OFF

DM: GUYS-

Paladin, with 5 wisdom: WAIT WE WERE KIDNAPPING HER???

Necromancer: HOW OBLIVIOUS ARE YOU?

Ranger, bitterly: Oblivious enough to not realize I’ve been flirting with him this entire time. 

Paladin: YOU HAVE???

Bard: RANGER WHEN I WAS HITTING ON YOU, YOU SAID YOU WERE STRAIGHT!

*DM has slid under the table out of their chair as the table riots* 

#shit my players say #rpg #submission #shareable #dnd #killing things for fun and profit #upsetting the dm #what's my alignment again

[sturnsdoll]

𝘏𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘓 -`♡´- - C.S

inspired by: this pairing: chris x ("bestfriend"!) reader summary: your bestfriend is bored at night so he comes to your hotel room. what activities will he think of to keep himself entertained?? warnings: smut w slight background, dirty talk, lots of praise, friends to lovers, dom!chris x sub!reader, fingering, swearing, cocky chris?, word count: 2700 authors note: as soon as i saw the post asking for someone to make something like this i knew i had to turn tf up. hope i did the request justice 😛 "pink" = reader speaking "orange" = chris speaking

「 ✦Hotel by montell fish ▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊|• 0:10 ᯤ✦ 」

it had been nothing short of a long day. you and the triplets had been out all day taking a road trip. you were just excited to get to the hotel with your friends and sleep. you, matt and nick were all exhausted but chris, your bestfriend, was still bursting with energy.

you and the triplets entered the hotel and let nick take care of obtaining the keys and room numbers. the plan was that you would have your own room and nick, matt and chris would share a two bed room for the night.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

matt was out no less than five minutes after all of you found your rooms and nick was practically non-verbal on his phone. chris was on the edge of the bed by nicks feet yappin' away about his day. no matter how obvious it was that nick wanted his space, chris couldn't bring himself to just be quiet.

"i just feel like-" "chris oh my god" nick interupted. this caused chris to go quiet with a look that said 'what?' on his face. oblivious. "i need you to shush motherfucker go to sleep or go bug your little girlfriend" nick complained as he rolled over.

chris glared at him for referring you his girlfriend. then after him and nick exchanged a few choice words (mainly consisting of nick telling him to shut the fuck up) chris chose to go bother you instead.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

music played at a comfortable volume in your hotel room. you set down your toothbrush and turned the tap off. about to start on your skincare, you were interupted by a knock on the door. approaching the door you were expecting it to be cleaners or something, but upon the door opening you found chris.

"hey" he hardly greeted as he let himself in past you to sit on your bed. you sighed as you closed the door and looked at him with a look that asked what he was doing bugging you at this hour. "nick kicked me out" chris half jokes as his eyes scan you quickly. he caught notice of the way the cold exposed your nipples through your tank top. his eyes went back to your eyes before you could notice him looking.

as comfortable as you were with chris, recently there had just been these moments where you were sure you were both flirting with eachother or that there was some kind of tension. you had shrugged it all off though because although your feelings for chris were more than just platonic, you knew there was no way he felt the same. however something about being alone with him made you nervous.

"so you came to annoy me instead? great" your voice was sarcastic but in a playful manner. you headed for the bathroom to finish your nightly routine. "shut up you love me" chris retorts, following you to the bathroom.

you sat up on the counter criss crossed and begun pulling serums, washcloths and cleansers from your bag. chris enjoyed watching you do everyday things like this. he came behind you, leaning forward to rest his chin on your shoulder, watching you in the mirror. his palms pressing into the counter. feeling his warm body so close to yours made you feel safe, comforted (also a little hot inside.)

you were both silent as your music filled the room. while you nurtured your face his eyes were glued to you, admiring you the entire time.

once you finished you gave chris a smile in the mirror "you know your gonna have to go back with nick and matt really soon chris i'm tired" you tried to turn around but he wrapped his arms around you from behind. embracing the hug as much as you could from this position, you leaned your head back and placed your arms on his. "but i'm bored" he complained. there was something almost mischevious in his eyes that you couldn't quite place. "but i'm tired" you said, mocking him.

his voice comes out quieter and lower next to your ear "oh i'm sure i could wake you up" there's a grin or maybe even a smirk on his face. you were sure he didn't mean anything sexual but still your face heats up and your sure that due to your bodies touching, he can feel the way your heartbeat begins racing.

you look at him with a shy smile although not knowing what to say. the song changed and the familiar start of hotel by montell fish begins to fill the hotel room.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞 𝙢𝙚𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢, 𝙞 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙬𝙨" ⊹ ࣪ ˖

an unspeakable tension grows and maybe it's your imagination but you swear a slight smirk spreads on his face. you don't realize it but it's been a minute now and you've said nothing back to him, only staring blankly back at him in the mirror.

"hm?" his voice snaps you out of your trance and you realized you've been silently staring at him for an uncomfortable amount of time. fuck. "i dunno i'm pretty tired" you panic at the way your voice comes out a little breathy. his voice drops slightly "you're tired hm?" his arms squeeze a little tighter around you "that why your hearts practically beating out of your chest?" his words mixed with his breath fanning your ear make you dizzy. you can't deny the mix of arousal and nervousness you're feeling. he's your bestfriend afterall, he knows you well enough to know exactly what's going through your mind right now.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪" ⊹ ࣪ ˖

so you decide to embrace those feelings. you pull his arms off of you and turn your body around so there's no choice but for your legs to dangle off the counter on either side of his waist. he's still not sure if your feeling how he is so to be safe, his hands rest on the counter next to the outsides of your thighs rather than touching you.

you quickly glance down his body then back up to his eyes. "that why you're hard?" you mock with a mischevious grin. for a split second he looks taken aback but then before you can tease him any further he grabs your thighs, dragging you closer to him. your thighs instinctively squeeze his waist. you gasp when his clothed erection pokes at your thin sleep shorts.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚"⊹ ࣪ ˖

there's a moment of silence as he searches your eyes for any sign of hesitation. instead he only finds lust and need. without skipping another beat, his hand comes to the back of your head, pulling you into a passionate makeout.

your arms wrap around his neck, trying to pull him impossibly closer. you wanted him everywhere, on you, under you, in you.

his other hand gently rubs your thigh while his lips break off from yours. he takes in your already disheveled state. lips puffy, eyes glossed over with need. "so pretty" he comments right before attacking your neck with kisses filled with teeth, tongue and sucking. a gentle whine escapes you as he lifts you off the counter. and even when he lays you on the bed his lips don't leave your neck.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙞 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣' 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢. 𝙞 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

his weight presses onto you but not suffocatingly. he subconciously ruts his hips into yours. "mm" you squirm your hips up for more but he pushes your hips back to the bed with his own. your cunt is aching to be touched in any way shape or form, so long as it's him. "chris please" your voice comes out desperate.

he completely ignored your plea but his lips do come off your neck so he can lock eyes with you. his hand slowly brushes down your side "god i bet you're soaked already" he seems as if he's speaking to himself. his fingertips brush across your hip bone now. his voice alone makes you try and close your legs to relieve some tension. with his body between them though, it's useless.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚?"⊹ ࣪ ˖

you look at him with doe eyes, wanting nothing more than his touch right now. "chris-" you begin when suddenly he pulls the band of your panties back before letting is snap against your skin "so desperate" he teases before his hand finally slips beneath the thin material. two fingers slide up and down your soaked cunt to collect your wetness on his fingers. then his middle finger makes quick work of circling your clit.

"who made you this wet, baby?" he asks with cockiness to his tone. your head goes to the side and your eyes find anywhere to look but him. you can't believe your bestfriend is talking dirty to you, while he's on you. as you let out a whiny "you" in response. he's way too entertained with how whiny and submissive you already are for him to be thinking about how shocking the situation is for you both. "mhm." he responds. his middle finger leaves your clit only to enter you along with his ring finger. a sigh of relief leaves your lips. "now look at me" his free hand grips your jaw, forcing you to face him. your eyes still avoid his though.

his fingers begin to curl repetitevly inside of you, forcing a moan from your lips. he feels his pants tighten at your reaction. "look at me or i'll stop." his tone is gentle but still commanding. it leaves you with no choice but to meet his gaze. you take notice of how much darker the lust has turned his blue eyes.

"listen so well" he praises before his lips meet yours. hearing him talk to you like this makes every ounce of your body heat up. you're already feeling close.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙥𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙞𝙣, 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙤𝙝𝙝, 𝙞, 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪" ⊹ ࣪ ˖

he pushes his wrist forward and somehow, his fingers reach even deeper and his palm rubs your needy clit. your nails dig into the back of his neck "s-so good" you mutter as your eyes stare hooded and glossy up at your best (not-so) friend.

the cockiness is seeping off of him "yea? you like my fingers?" his movements speed up as he speaks. his voice mixed with his skilled hands nearly send you over the edge. he can feel the way you clench, threatning to finish any minute. for that very reason he rips your pleasure away.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙚 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡, 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙞 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙮𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛, 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚. 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡. 𝙤𝙤𝙝, 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

you open your mouth to protest but he speaks before you can. "m' gonna make you feel good again, don't worry" he assures as he leaves you for a second to remove his clothes. you take this as your cue and remove everything besides your bra and panties.

chris resumes his place on the perfectly white hotel sheets. his hand is gently stroking his cock as he moves between your legs. your eyes lock with it and your desperation reaches an all time high. he's not small or thin by any means.

he smirks at the way your lips are parted, eyes watching, body waiting. he uses his free hand to push your legs open further. you knew letting your bestfriend fuck you was about to change everything for the both of you, but the way your whole body ached for him drowned out all the worries you had.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙄 𝙢𝙚𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙄 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙬𝙨. 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪..." ⊹ ࣪ ˖

"you want your bestfriends cock sweetheart?" he asks staring down at you. "yes chris" your words come out impatiently. "then what do you say? hm?" you frustratedly watch the grin on his face as he taps his tip against your puffy clit just to tease you.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚"⊹ ࣪ ˖

you sigh "please." he can tell your frustrated. "you can do better than that" he states as he drags his tip up and down your pussy, juices coating his tip now. your hips push toward him but he only pulls back. "please fuck me chris. i need you"

"good girl." he praises, his length unexpectedly shoving into you. "god so tight" he groans the praise as he pulls back, then pounding into you again. "chris!" you shout as your hands go for the sheets but chris grasps them instead. his fingers interlock with yours, pinning your arms and hands down next to your head.

he picks up a harsh pace. uncontrollable whines and moans begin spilling from your lips. as his head drops next to yours, filthy things come out of his mouth into your ear.

you're just speechless, mouth open as your eyes roll back.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙞 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣' 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙄 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

he kisses your neck so gently, completely contradicting the roughness of how he's fucking you. "so pretty underneath me" he mumbles before his lips attatch to your neck again. you clench around him at the praise, making him groan and thrust his hips faster to chase his release as well as help you reach yours.

you whine out his name as you shut your eyes, his cock hitting the right spot everytime he thrusts his hips. one of his hands moves away from yours to slip between your bodies. his middle finger wastes no time on finding and stimulating your clit. your hips buck into his hand but with the way he's fucking you it makes no difference.

"need t-to- uh fuck" your words are cut off by a needy moan. he pulls away from your neck to look at you "what's wrong hm?" he asks with faux sympathy right before a particulary deep slam of his hips into yours, wanting to pull more of those pretty noises out of you.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙞 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

giving up on speaking you throw your head back, your free hand gripping his shoulder as you uncontrollably clenched around him, desperate noises coming from your lips one after the other.

"you need to cum?" he's out of breath and his pace begins to falter. you nod frantically. "go on then, cum with me" he says through his teeth as his hips twitch. one more thrust of his hips and his cum fills you up.

his hips still but he continues rubbing quick circles on your clit "come on, be a good girl and cum for me" his words are what send you over the edge. your hips lift of the bed, your mouth opens but nothing comes out. "fuck." chris mutters at the sight of you mixed with feeling of you clenching around his cock, milking him dry.

he pulls out but massages your clit a little longer, letting you work through your high before collapsing on the bed next to you. you roll on your side and he does the same, spooning you. the both of you leave nothing to be heard but deep breaths as you both smile at the experience that just occured.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

after chris finally got himself up to clean the both of yours mess you both got dressed and took seats on the bed facing one another. there was an almost awkward silence, not surprising considering you just let your bestfriend fuck the shit out of you.

you speak first "i don't just wanna fuck" you state with a worried expression. he stares at you for a moment and you think he's about to tell you he doesn't want any kind of relationship. "is that what you want?" you were quiter and much more sheepish now. you looked like you wanted to retract into your own skin and never come out. he quickly smiled. he playfully slaps his no-longer bestfriends shoulder. "no dumbass i want you" he says before scooching closer, grabbing your hips to pull you into his lap. then placing a delicate kiss on your lips.

you smile down widely at him "great. now can we fucking sleep?" you ask exhaustedly. "yup" he responds, standing up while holding you before tossing you on the bed and climbing in next to you. ⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡, 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚?"⊹ ࣪ ˖

(sorry for the stupid ending 🙏)

#chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo fanfic #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo triplets fanfic #sturniolo triplets #sturnsdoll

[not-the-cheese]

one sentence(ish) summaries of every magnus archive episode PART 2

(eps 61-110) thank u for the funny comments and tags on the last part i love u guys

the rest of these may take a while as i've caught up to where i am currently in the podcast but i will finish them like in a month i promise

----

61. the thrilling sequel to man does not open coffin: man DOES open coffin.

62. surely this doctor can find an easier way to scam people out of money than putting them in a little book.

63. THE DARK ATE MY BROTHER IN LAW.

64. this is possibly the plot of laura croft tomb raider

65. mmm crumchy

66. what's the opposite of an unboxing video

67. as close to a coffeeshop au as you're going to get from this podcast

68. Doctors hate him! Man REFUSES to die from tuberculosis!

69. your college's psych department has the worst idea ever.

70. reverse death note

71. not even death will stop this woman from taking the british subway

72. man doesn't want to be low key racist in his last moments before getting eaten

73. police versus the second coming of dark jesus

74. lady is haunted by an ad for coffee

75. mike crew says "uh fuck it let's just put this guy on a skyscraper forever"

76. ryan from buzzfeed unsolved breaks into a train yard and suffers consequences

77. you're not a enough of a bitch to be my real mom

78. man gets harassed by his cousin and then exorcises him

79. you know that chase scene in scooby doo with the doors

80. stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner

81. i have been personally victimized by the sequel to the hungry hungry caterpillar

82. pov: elias threatens to cancel you

83. mannequin takes matters into its own hands after people don't like its pitch for a new window display

84. a hoarder put newspaper on my friend's face :(

85. hey there's maybe a little man upon these stairs?

86. man gets got by a squiggly thing in the dark.

87. plumber is so oblivious to spooky happenings around him that it possibly saves his life.

88. guys i think this guy likes to dig

89. lesbian investment banker finds a new, less evil job: arson!

90. guy who turns people's bones starts a gym where he promises not to turn your bones! (he is lying)

91. i was stalked by lightning for 10 years and i all i got were these stupid scars

92. jonah magnus is a bad friend // another day another elias slay

93. ocd is no match for purple fuzz

94. let the bodies drop gently to the floor let the bodies drop gently to the floor

95. im so sorry my brain refuses to remember what the war ones were about but i think one guy got gently kissed on the forehead so that's pretty nice.

96. diversity wins! the not-quite-human delivery men who stole your identity and business are maybe gay?

97. man gets gaslighted by an entire town about a hole

98. 🎶mister sandman bring me a dream, actually don't, please stay far from me 🎶

99. another one bites the dust

100. archival assistants face off against the general public (they lose)

101. jon finally levels up high enough to unlock an eldritch horror's tragic backstory

102. LOCAL MAN MARRIES BUG

103. peppa eats a clown and they cover her in concrete instead of congratulating her.

104. pennywise stole my brother's skin

105. it's world war z baby

106. Something Big Is In Space.

107. man is interrogated about the time he saw thomas the train roasts people alive and also sans is there

108. actor is stalked by mask who liked his monologue so much that it tells its mask friends to come watch.

109. sometimes a family is just a serial killer's daughter and that guy who maybe killed some vampires

110. yeah man those spiders be eating

Part 1 |

#tma #i hope this convinces you to listen to tma #the magnus archives #sasha james #jon sims #podcasts #gay podcasts #elias bouchard #peter lukas #melanie king #gerard keay #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #jonmartin #funny #one sentence summaries #sillyposting #Youtube #queer

[nunalastor]

Charlie getting concerned over Lucifer's insistence on proving himself as Alastor's partner to Susan:

-

Charlie: Please dad, c'mon. This isn't worth it!

Lucifer: Charlie. She called me a gigolo. A gigolo! I don't even know what that means but I know I can't let it stand!

Charlie: Who cares!? Susan's mean to everyone! Even if you did somehow get her to like you she'd still be a mean old bitch to you!

Rosie: She absolutely would.

Lucifer: I just need to get through to her that I'm not just playing around with Alastor's (probably shriveled) heart! Cox isn't even that great, he's clearly just as bad as Susan thinks I am! Maybe, no, definitely worse!

Charlie: Wh- You don't even like Alastor!

Lucifer: Not the point.

Rosie: [Chuckles while Charlie groans.]

[Suddenly the doors burst open and Alastor storms in, murder in his eyes.]

Rosie: Enjoy your date, hon?

Alastor: Rosie dear, if you must revel in my suffering, I'd honestly rather you use pliers to remove my fingernails one by one.

[The door bursts open again and Vox and Susan stroll in, smiling and chatting.]

Vox: Oh Alastor, you left the very expensive gift I got you in the car!

Alastor: (through gritted teeth) That's very generous of you, but I-

Susan: [Growls and raises her umbrella threateningly.]

Alastor: ...Thank you.

Susan: (sweetly) Aw, what a nice young man. I don't understand why you two didn't work out.

Susan: (angrily, to Lucifer) Unlike this fuckin' cheapskate over here.

Lucifer: I built him a whole new radio tower!

Susan: Pssht. That fuckin' eyesore? I wouldn't let a pig live in that sty.

Alastor: [Actually likes the new radio tower but refuses to say so.]

Alastor: Well as lovely as it has been to spend time with the both of you, I believe it's time you were on your way. Vox does have quite the hectic schedule to return to, no?

Vox: Alas, being the CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation does eat up one's free time. If only I could spend all day locked up in my mansion playing with toys-

Lucifer: [Eye twitch.]

Vox: -or better yet, doting on you as you deserve. But you're right. I really should be getting back to my important work. It's been just wonderful to see you again, Alastor.

[Under Susan's glare, Alastor holds his hand out for a handshake. Vox takes Alastor's hand, bows, and raises Alastor's hand to his mouth for a kiss. Alastor goes rigid and flashes the radio dial eyes but before he can retaliate, Vox pulls him close and wraps his free hand around Alastor's waist.]

Vox: Until next time, Alastor~

[Vox leaves, shooting a stunned Lucifer and an infuriated Alastor a smug look. Susan is oblivious.]

Susan: Such a romantic. I might just snap him up myself at this rate!

Alastor: By all means, don't let me stand in your way.

Susan: [Swats him with the umbrella.]

Susan: Don't give me that cheek, boy. You're lucky Vox is willing to give you a second chance after you broke his heart! I hope next time I see you, you've pulled that fuck-ass bob outta yer ass and dumped the gigolo.

Susan: [Leaves.]

Alastor: ...Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go run my hand under boiling water for an hour.

Alastor: [Leaves.]

Charlie: ...Dad?

Lucifer: Yeah?

Charlie: (eyes red, horns out) Destroy that motherfucker.

Lucifer: Oh, with pleasure.

Rosie: (sipping her tea) Oooh, things are about to get really interesting...

👀

#hazbin hotel #alastor #radioapple #lucifer #appleradio #radio apple #apple radio #asks #nunalastor asks #susan (derogatory) #the cox chronicles