#nobodys actually yelling at me to do anything. i think im just yelling at myself

[phoenixfangs]

me yesterday: im gonna knuckle down and really focus at work tomorrow!! im not gonna get distracted!! im gonna do my research and start fixing th eproblem that i keep getting yelled at to fix >:)

me today: [scrolling that damn dashboard again]

#mine #nobodys actually yelling at me to do anything. i think im just yelling at myself #like. yelling at my adhd. because im taking my medicine but im still not Doing anything #so maybe im yelling at my laziness and my desire to looka t Fun stuff instead of serious stuff #or i Feel like someone should be yelling at me. so im grabbing myself by the shoulders and shaking myself and screaming WHAT ARE U DOING. #WHY. WHY SPONGEBOB. WHY DID U SET ME ON FIRE SPONGEBOB? WHY DIDNT U JUST WRITE UR ESSAY?? STOP WASTING TIIIIIIIIIIME #something to that effect.

[whitemonsterenjoyer]

Stupid stupid rant about my friend

TLDR: Friends are disappointing! I should just isolate myself and focus on ⭐ving instead!!!

honestly kind of fucking hate my friend right now. he gets pissed off over the smallest fucking shif and he never fucking says anything. he like hates communication. its gotten to a point where i dont want to play games with him and our other friends because he just gets annoyed and yells at us. i always feel like im doing something wrong! im so uncomfortable all the time! and then they get confused and upset when i dont feel like playing again. buddy, how can i fucking enjoy anything when youre making me feel uncomfortable at best the whole time????

he reminds me of my ex so much its awful. i cant stand him sometimes. if you dont respond the right way or at all hes say some shit like "i should just die" or "you guys hate me" and i just! hate it! and he refuses to communicate ANYTHING. hed rather give you the silent treatment IN THE FUCKING VOICE CHAT. you ask him a question qnd youll have to keep repeating it for like ten minutes before hell answer because he got mildly upset. he got snippy with us because we didnt have the game open the moment he joined the call. he got fucking mad at us for mentioning school while were on break. like???? im fucking sorry that we briefly mentioned something thats been a part of our daily lives for the last like 12 years? and we barely even actually talked about school. i just got upset that ill have to sit with the annoying kids in my first period, and our other friend said that her voicemail was full of colleges doing college shit. not only that, its just really fucking dumb that hes upset over talking about school during break. its literally fucking ending, you cant not think about it. and does he think that hes the only one stressed over school?? one friend doesnt even have freetime during the week a majority of the time because shes doing so much school shit. i almost committed in freshman year! and even now, i need hours after school every day to decompress because im so fucking overstimulated and overwhelmed all day! and the third other person is taking FIVE AP CLASSES. their ass is swamped with work too!!! meanwhile, he can get home and have the time and energy to draw and play video games and record and edit videos all in the same day. if snything he doesn't get to say anything about not wanting to think about school while relaxing bc hes the most relaxed!

i asked him why he didnt tell us smtg would upsst him before we did it and he just responded with "i assumed you guys were cool." ok.

i mentioned that i had stolen sone of my parents alc while i was doing online school. yknow that period of time where i was struggling with dissociation and thoughts of committing? and nobody was fucking talking to me? he said that made me a bad person.

our friend has a girlfriend and naturally they spend a lot of time together. he gets upset seeing that theyre playing the same game or knowing that theyre hanging out without us. i dobt mind, i just wished shed let us know that she had plans rather than leaving out of nowhere. but he genuinely like despises her for spending time with her significant other.

ive stopped making plans with him because he kept flaking. he was always so indecisive and he would cancel plans the night before so often. sometimes even the MORNING OF. he would want to save money even if he wouldve spent a total of 10 dollars, or hed be too tired bc he refused to stop playing games the night before. i always go to bed earlier if im doing something the next day. i dont know why im not worth the same energy. honestly im not sure he actually likes hanging out with me, im just the only one willing to do the same things as him. the only plans that worked out were things he was absolutely going to do regardless of anyone going with him.

i dont wven know how to breach the subject with him because, again, hes so much like my ex. i know that if i make him feel bad, hell either get defensive or just freak out and cry about it. i listened to my ex say id be better off if he was gone in response to me venting way too many times to want to express my feelings about people ever again.

and it really sucks bc other times hes really nice and fun to be around. i just wonder if he dies actually like me at all. i feel like he sees me as less than sometimes.

idk i stopped being mad and got sad.

but i mean hes implied it before. he wants more friends to play cod and fortnite with and go to the park at night with. he never asks me to do thise things. im willing to play fortnite. i want to play cod. i want to do literally anything at night especially go to the park. he especially wanted more guy friends to do things with.

hed be happier being friends with the kids at school who hate me

idk. this is dumb. its 3am.

[stargazer0001]

there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

#vent #holy fuck this is long but I needed to just get this out #i know I shouldn't vent online but I have nobody to talk to this about and I dont got any bottles left to put this in #Star.TXT document #pleease dont be concerned abt me its just me being not okay again #its just this time i posted about it

[plaquerat]

i dunno i think the increased med dosage is helping the depression/anxiety i just feel.. forgotten about? ive never really had many friends and i tend to fade into the background a lot and i wish i didnt. people very rarely reach out to me and i feel like i cant really talk about anything i care about or things that trouble me because ultimately they do not matter and i'll be left to be alone because im never anyone's first choice in anything. i know people have lives but i wish id be acknowledged. i'll work myself into manic states thinking i did something wrong. my only rl friend who ive known for years doesnt even reach out and when ive explicitly said im doing badly it gets ignored. it gets harder and harder to believe im wanted when almost nobody wants to talk to me outside of my mother calling me to yell at me for not having a better job because obviously im shitty and lazy and not hearing back from anyone obviously means im not trying.

i dont know. its autism acceptance month. which is great. but the experience of not being able to keep friends let alone make them is something id never wish on anyone. id never want anyone to have to spend hours a day wondering what they did to drive everyone away or if their best friend actually hates them. its fucking terrible and yes its talked about but it doesnt seem like anyone ever does anything. youre still left to die alone in a hole like an animal.

#gnashing of teeth #emesis event

[dis--parity]

hit and miss.

Trigger warnings: Animal abuse (mostly offscreen), bullying Word Count: 1482 Author’s Notes: I have no idea WHY I put off publishing this for so long, but! Here’s an ugly little preview of Theo’s old life! When I say ugly, I do mean ugly, though... Hopefully this motivates me to actually continue the series! The rest of the story is, for the most part, present-day, and I’m excited to see how you all react to how it unfolds!

CHAPTERS hit and miss.

“Fuck! I almost got ‘im that time!” “Hey, hey, hey- he’s moving! He’s moving, throw ahead of where he’s going!” “He moved a whole two centimetres, dumbfuck! I’ll throw where I want!”

God, what a fucking racket they’re making. It’s a miracle nobody’s found out we’re here, between the thud of their ammunition - most of it missing, covering the jet black with streaks of white, I take it - the noises of protest from their target, lying prone in the middle of it all. And above all of that, their fucking yelling.

Bickering, bickering, all it ever is with these pieces of shit is bickering. I learned a long time ago that it’s not worth trying to get them to agree on one thing; everyone forgives each other at the end of the day, anyway.

It’s what Callan always told me - he’s the oldest, so everyone tends to listen to him when he’s here. 

But today, it’s me that gets to feel the pride of being the big dog. That one badass everyone looks up to, takes orders from - there’s something about it that makes every adjusting pull on my Varsity jacket feel that much more… important.

The way the fabric rubs against my shirt with a satisfying ‘fwip’ is mostly muffled, though, by the impact of snowballs on tarmac - and it’s yet deafened by the barking of a dog standing on the same surface, pacing and dodging frantically. Scarcely any of his fur has snow clinging to it, and the places it has stuck are hardly the places that count; the top of the rump, the middle of the body, the lower half of the leg.

The commotion quietens a little as the snow crunches beneath my feet. I’ve learned it’s always best to pause when you arrive at the scene - the longer I peer over the mess they’ve made, the more they feel judgemental eyes on them, peeking past strands of white, the more likely they are to listen.

Already, I can feel their heads turning towards me like I’m the fucking flagship coming into port, putting all those little sailboats to shame.

The only downside is that now, all eyes are on me. That’s one feeling I’m used to, sure - but now every movement counts. Even a twitch of the finger would be enough to sow doubt in everyone here.

The way Bernie passes me, and brings his hand gently down onto my shoulder as he walks behind me to watch, doesn’t invoke that uncertainty at all. But I don’t have time to think about that now.

I can only spare a passing glance at the others as I step up to the short wall of snow they’ve put up for cover. It’s not like anyone’s gonna throw back at us, but they’re made up of more than enough snow for me to get my hands around. I don’t even need to spare the others a look to get my intention across.

“Here, here, Theo’s gonna show you how it’s done.” “Yeah, Theo, fuckin’ get ‘im.” “Shh, shh, hey, watch this, watch this, Theo’s ‘boutta fuck it up.”

My eyes remain fixed on their quarry; a dog with cinnamon-brown fur, looks to be some kind of shepherd. I’ve seen him around when I walk past, looking out the window as I walk on past. 

It’s fine, I take a moment to remind myself as my hands ball the loose, dirty snow into a shape roughly resembling a sphere. Dogs chase after balls all the time, right? It’s not like this is hurting him or anything.

Not unless I take aim riiiiight…

“Stop! STOP! What are you doing?!”

Well, there goes my focus.

The hesitation that fills everyone around me is palpable. My gloved hands leave the clumpy snowball right back where it’s formed as the air is populated by the muttering of… what even are they to me? Friends? Or just cronies?

The classification is secondary as I look up towards the source of the sound - one that immediately bids me to rise above the man-made hill, slam a boot down as though I’m on the peak of Everest.

It’s from there that I see everything I wanted; not just the scrawny little blonde in his grey hoodie and faded jeans running in and standing in front of the dog like a fucking human shield, but the expression of fear that wells in his eyes the longer I stare him down. “The fuck does it look like?” I speak up, snowball slipping from one hand to the other. “Why’re you gettin’ in the way of our fun right now, dude? What’s your problem?”

The muttering that once filled the air dies around me. The more he trembles in front of the dog he’s guarding in what he must think is some valiant effort to do what’s right.

There’s a hot second where I’m not even sure he knows how to answer my question, until he opens his mouth again.

“Y- you’re hurting him, don’t you see that? Why are you hurting this- this poor dog? What’d he ever do to you?” “No, we’re not hurting him, dumbfuck. He’s not even moving away, look.” “Y- yes, you are! You’re throwing snowballs at him! How would you feel if I started throwing snowballs at you?”

Just as easily as I could feel excitement before, doubt now swells in the air around me. The very same I’d worked so hard to avoid. Everyone’s looking around at each other as they wonder if this is even any fun any more, if it’s even worth it. 

But, the more he talks, the more he gives me to fire back with. Slowly, I step up again, the sole of my shoe thudding onto the top of the frigid trench before me, teeth clenching as I stare right back at him.

“Are you fuckin’ threatening me, Alex? That a challenge, huh?” I scowl. “You think you’re hot shit?”

Silence. He’s either too scared, too brave, or too stupid - or, fuck it, maybe all three at the same time - to give me a proper reply. It’s a staredown, then. Just as slowly as his hands clench into fists, I’m reaching down again to get a grip on the snowball I so quickly abandoned before.

“Yeah, get ‘im, Theo!” “Oh, this kid is fuckin’ dead.” “Yo, watch this, watch this-” “Say somethin’ else or shut up, I’m watching!”

By the time I look back, his guard is down - he’s ushering away the dog, or trying to as well as he can without turning away from me.

‘Go, go, go to your dad,‘ he’s saying, like it can understand him. Maybe it can, I don’t know - but his eyes are still fixed on me. It doesn’t matter. He could never intimidate me - and it sure as hell isn’t gonna make this hurt any less.

I reel my arm back, gloved fingers tightening around the frigid projectile in my hand, and…

Boomph!

To my side, applause. To my front, the pained yelp of some runt who thought he was doing the right thing by sucking the fun out of everything. Behind that, the pitter-patter of paws against snow-covered tarmac; looks like our old target finally has a reason to panic.

But the snowball hasn’t even left my hand.

The rallying cries all around me lead my gaze to Bernie, just beside me - his eyes lock with mine for a moment as the sunlight catches his eyes. The way he grins, his eyes practically begging for approval he knows he already has… I swear it makes my heart stop for a second.

The flurry of white being loosed from hands behind him means nothing to me for a few seconds in that oasis of calm, until that fucking asshole Jan bumps into me in an eagerness to join the fray. 

Sure, I’m focused - but the way I push him right back and knock him on his ass is enough of a price to pay. It’s worth losing my snowball over as it scatters across his coat. Or so I thought - he’s still standing there. 

The dog is long gone by now, but that doesn’t mean the fun’s gotta stop. Not when I’ve finally confirmed that he’s not brave, just stupid. I crouch down again, eyes fixed on his half-glaring face, lips puckered like he’s trying so hard to be brave. It doesn’t matter how much we throw at him - even if I’m seeing a marked improvement in accuracy from everyone else.

Someone’s gotta take the wind out of this little shit’s sails. I’ve done it before. He thinks he can beat me, that he’s better than me for being able to take what I dish out.

He’s wrong. We’re only getting started.

As my hand reaches for the edge of the driveway, my fingers curl around the uneven grooves of a rock.

#Theo;; IC #Drabbles;; #We Need To Talk;; #{ honestly the most jarring part of this is writing pre-transition Alex } #{ qwsfkwbfq ANYWAY HERE'S CHAPTER 1 I GUESS } #{ it's free Theo backstory into How He Used To Be }

[gridelincarver]

hey I trust u what are ur top 5 Iorveth songs 👀 im in a creative bind I need inspo (im also @essskel but u know that lmao)

oh my god HI

i know this isn't what u asked but like first off real quick lemme slide this link over... i have a iorveth playlist on spotify (it's meant to be listened on shuffle i know the order i added them is wack)

but uhh ok if i had to pick 5 (also in no particular order)

"Arsonist's Lullabye" - Hozier

"Wretches and Kings" - Linkin Park (i know its linkin park but if you look at the LYRICS)

"Thank You For the Venom" - My Chemical Romance (but i cant not also mention DESTROYA and our lady of sorrows)

"Daniel in the Den" - Bastille

"Satellite" - Rise Against

it PAINS ME to only pick five emblematic ones but i tried lskdghldksjf

(also bonus under the cut some pertinent lyrics. i could do this w the whole playlist and also write paragraphs & more but i am restraining myself)

This is a life that you can't deny us now

(Rise Against) self explanatory, i think, very scoia'tael

When I was a man I thought it ended When I knew love's perfect ache But my peace has always depended On all the ashes in my wake

All you have is your fire And the place you need to reach Don't you ever tame your demons But always keep 'em on a leash

(Hozier) I think Iorveth struggles a lot with feeling like he's incapable of sitting down and being happy (and this lyric plays into how i think his relationship w Cedric went/ended), and the chorus is just very reminiscent of how alone he's always been even among his supposed peers, and also just the strength and power of his character

To save face, how low can you go? Talk a lotta game, but yet you don't know Static on the wind, makes us all say whoa The people up top push the people down low Get down, and obey every word Steady, get in line if you haven't yet heard Wanna take what I got, don't be absurd Don't fight the power, nobody gets hurt

Hear us now, clear and tall Wretches and kings, we come for you

(Linkin Park) I think this is a bit of pointed anger at Francesca Findabair (shakes fist) for acquiescing and betraying her own kind as if that will help any elves besides the few who actually got to dol blathanna, also the "wretches and kings" is reminiscent of "king or beggar, one dh'oine less" (also listen to the speech at the beginning and end of the song. it fucks)

I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me

Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent sun It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one

You're running after something That you'll never kill If this is what you want Then fire at will

You want to follow something Give me a better cause to lead Just give me what I need Give me a reason to believe

(My Chemical Romance) this goes w MY interpretation of him as someone who wasn't actually gradually made ready for being the face of a movement and instead having it sprung on him by his circumstance (of being the last surviving vrihedd officer), and his own conflicted feelings of nothing getting better while also refusing to give up or do anything else (also it literally says "serpent sun," nilfgaard anyone?)

And you thought the lions were bad Well they tried to kill my brothers And for every king that died Oh they would crown another But it's harder than you think Telling dreams from one another

Oh to see What it means to be free Of the shadows and the dreams That you claim to see

And felled in the night By the ones you think you love They will come for you

(Bastille) the beginning one is I think more self explanatory, and "telling dreams from one another" i think can be applied to all the people who have "allied with" and "helped" the scoia'tael only to really be working for their own gain (like nilfgaard, or even arguably saskia)

the "felled in the night / by the ones you think you love" to ME is more about Francesca Findabair (muffled yelling) and her decision to forsake the Scoia'tael completely from Dol Blathanna

Because we won't back down, we won't run and hide Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny I'm passing over you like a satellite, so catch me if I fall That's why we stick to your game plans and party lines But at night we're conspiring by candlelight We are the orphans of the American Dream, so Shine a light on me

This is a life that you can't deny us now

(Rise Against)

as u can see i have many thoughts about him all the time and this isn't even all of it for this set of songs but anyway :3

#iorveth #scoia'tael #cafffine #essskel #the witcher #gridelin speaks #answered #gridelin answers #mutuals #it has been too long since i talked abt iorveth on main and i have so many thoughts all the time

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

got tagged by @batsarebetterthanpeople

1. Are you named after anyone?

no. my parents specifically tried to pick a name that nobody they knew had. which is insane to me bc my name is like one of the most generic girl names in existence but i guess that wasn't the case when i was born

2. When was the last time you cried?

ok i genuinely think it was a few weeks ago when i was at work and i started thinking about stede. and before that it was a few months before that when i was at work and i started thinking about ed.

this is kinda crazy to me bc i used to cry all the fucking time? but also i used to be way more depressed lol so i guess the fact that i can't remember the last time i cried over something in my actual real life is a good thing

3. Do you have kids?

god no. not yet, anyway

4. Do you use sarcasm.

too much, probably. also my voice is kinda monotone so sometimes ppl think im being sarcastic when im not. that's gotten me in trouble before

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

nothing i dont notice shit about people im terrible at remembering names and faces

6. What's your eye color?

blue

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings. there are a few scary movies i love but im a huge pussy. and im a basic bitch i want my stories to end happy. obviously a Bad Ending can be rlly good sometimes but overall i'd much rather everything works out in the end :)

8. Any special talents?

alright so this came up yesterday so i'm gonna tell y'all about a special talent that i did not know i have but apparently people think im great at: i have been told im really good at doing voiceovers. this is not something i do often nor is it something i wouldve actually said about myself unprompted, but sometimes for school projects i've had to record myself saying things and i've gotten compliments every time. i personally can't tell if this is true bc hearing recordings of my own voice makes me want to die so im incapable of judging my own voice-over abilities accurately

like Literally Yesterday when i had to record like 30 seconds of something and i literally was like "i'm leaving the room when you play it i hate hearing my own voice" and when i got back everyone was like "that was SO GOOD!!! you sounded professional!!!!" and also a few years ago my friend asked me to try and do an old-timey mid-atlantic accent kinda voice for a school project and when she showed it to her class people were like "who did the voiceover? your friend? is your friend a professional voice actor??"

this is baffling to me bc i think my voice sounds incredibly nasally and annoying but i guess that's just me!

9. Where were you born?

new JOY-zee

10. What are your hobbies?

it's alllllll gay pirates these days. tumblr and fanfiction and posting and reblogging. that's literally the only thing i do if im not at work or at school or hanging out with friends. it's kind of a problem actually i need to cut back

11. Do you have any pets?

two dogs! one is a rescue who is maybe a poodle mix, maybe just a poodle, and i love her so much i've cried about it. the other one is a bichon-poodle mix and i hate her so much i've cried about it.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

ok so my parents put me in a bunch of sports as a kid (t-ball, baseball, soccer, swimming, ballet) but i was not really into it. i didn't hate it, but i would zone out in the middle of games and my parents would be yelling "TURN AROUND THE BALL IS COMING" while i was playing in the dirt by myself.

in middle and high school i did cross country but mostly as a social thing to hang out with friends. i fucking hate running. im not good at sports

13. How tall are you?

5'5.5"

14. Favorite subject in school?

probably English or something idk. i dont like school lol

15. Dream job?

genuinely? stocking shit. housekeeping. anything where i can just listen to an audiobook or a podcast and work quietly and nobody has to talk to me. i wish these jobs paid enough to be comfortable or else i literally would work at some easy entry-level job for my entire life.

the other thing is i wish there was like. a way i could just jump from job to job depending on who needs help. im talking like, "oh we need someone to direct traffic for two hours while we fill in this pothole" and i go. "this fast food joint needs a cashier for a day" or "town hall needs people to scan, file, and sort all these boring legal documents" or "we need people to clean all the public restrooms in the district" or "we need someone to re-paint the parking spots at the park" or "the post office needs help sorting mail for a few hours" or "this warehouse needs some employees next week" or "we need someone doing this repetitive motion on the factory line for a day" like literally. i love manual labor i love straightforward tasks i love doing simple repetitive chores for hours. i seriously fucking wish Universal Basic Needs were provided and i could just be like a "reserve worker" for a low salary where i just pick up random shifts and do all sorts of random jobs whenever they need people to help out. this is literally my dream.

copping out yet again and tagging whoever wants to do it. "jess that's so lame-" you are correct. thank you.

#mine #not gay pirates #tag game

[iwillfeastonyourflesh]

i dont think im a good person. i think im one of the worst types. i see whats wrong, understand that its wrong, and still i let it happen. sometimes i actively participate in it. my oldest brother is kind, and doesnt let anything anyone says about him stop him from living truthfully. but the things people say are fucking awful, and i know that i wouldnt be able to handle it as well as he does. my other brother saw what was happening to him, and decided to not let it happen to him. he became one of those popular kids that has a huge ego, but he saw my brother and never bullied someone else. i saw both the paths i could choose, and walked in the middle. im friends with people who aren’t actually popular, but act like they are and gossip like it. they’re shit people and bully/talk shit about people behind their backs. this includes me. the girl i talk to the most in the group, as shes in most of my classes, spends all the time shes with me either complaining about her family or making fun of people. if shes willing to talk crap about the people she actually likes in the group, shes def talking crap about me. shes said things to my face before, but other than calling me a loser the thing she said that stuck with me most was telling me i was the uglier version of another friend (im going to call her S). ive always compared myself to S, as shes the one i look most like. having an example of what i should be right next to me all the time sucks, but i don’t blame her for it. i have a lot of other friends, but none that i could fit into the group with. im not sure what to do. i know that a lot of people who are “older and wiser” than me will say that what’s happening to me rn isnt a big deal, and im aware of that. i try not to let these things affect me, as there are people who have actual problems and arent just spoiled kids who make jokes too much and accidentally made people think shes unaffected. a few days ago the friend who i spend the most time with (im calling her C) made a joke about one of our friends to her face, but it was the kind of joke thats too far. in response to her doing this, since i was right next to her, i told a “joke” to her face that was too far. i said something about how she ruins all of our conversations with negative comments, and thats why nobody talks to her. i could tell by her face that it hurt. she was almost silent the rest of class. i feel like complete and utter shit for saying it, but i keep trying to remind myself that she needs to learn. she comes from a rich family, and thinks that the few minor inconveniences in her life matter to everyone. her mom has bipolar, and the meds she was taking for it made her severely depressed and she ended up going to the hospital for it. ever since she came back from the hospital, C’s been acting like her mom is batshit insane. she got on the bus one time upset that her dad yelled at her, and ended up telling me that her moms crazy because shes not doing anything to take care of herself. i know people who were abused by their parents, and got beaten half to death but still sent back to their house because of the fucked up system we have. C telling me that pissed me off bc she gets whatever she wants, whenever she asks for it, and has never had to worry about money or whether or not her family would survive a war. im not saying these things have happened to me, but i dont try and act like my “problems” are the most important ones. im really sorry about this if for some reason you decided to read the full thing, and i apologise for sounding like a whiny brat, but i needed to tell someone and this way ill never know who that someone is, or if there is a someone. i wish you the very best, and i hope everything you want to happen will. good night

“Sometimes you just jump and hope it’s not a cliff.” - Casey McQuinston, Red, White, and Royal Blue

#online diary

[forestryfae]

and he fucking brings up grandma and telling me i should call her and like. yeah okay i know her health is bad but like what the fuck am i supposed to do about that. i cant talk to mom, shes fucking cruel and heartless and i cant fucking talk to her about anything, the way she talks about the whole thing is just fucking ruthlessly shitty and its like its designed to hurt. i cant talk to dad either cus he just doesnt care. he doesnt wanna fucking talk about it, hell just dump it all on someone else like he did when i was getting bullied in highschool and he got a friend of his to talk to me instead of like. talking to me himself or fucking fixing shit istead of pushing that responsibility on everyone around him so he doesnt have to deal with it. anything to avoid having to be a parent or having to talk about stuff. and my stepmom is almost a bad as my mom ngl she fucking makes theories about whats wrong with grandma and talks about it like its gossip or some shit, will not shut the fuck up and rags it on longer than it needs to be, and its so fucking infuriating.

like. its not like anyones asked me how im doing about the whole situation or asks me how im feeling. no fucking "are you okay" or "what are you thinking" or "how does it make you feel" in any genuine actually worthwhile way or any questions about how it might make me feel to talk about it or anything. no matter what i say theyll just try to brush it off or act like i have nothing to worry about or some shit etherway cus im not allowed to be upset or have emotions afterall, and the world doesnt revolve around me, it revolves around them and im selfish for not managing or caring about their feelings when its THEIR FUCKING JOB TO CARE ABOUT MINE. THEYRE PARENTS. THEYRE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT ME, I SHOULDNT BE MANAGING THEIR EMOTIONS BY SHUTTING TEH FUCK UP ALL THE TIME AND DEALING WITH THEIR EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS AND SHIT.

as if it wasnt fucking bad enough that i was taught any emotions that dont align with what they want me to feel or that dont validate them arent allowed, im supposed to do exactly as they want and no other option is allowed. cus then im an asshole and im selfish, self centered, egoistic, spoiled, brat, "angry" "all the time", and in general "nobody cares" and "nobody feels fucking sorry for you" and thats just what im supposed to deal with all the time? i cant have emotions or be upset so i become a fucking doormat to please evryone but if i dont stand up for myself its my own fault im unhappy, but when i do stand up for myself im completely ignored and i get run over and i cant have everything exactly as i want it all the time cus the people around me have their own lives, but when i suddenly dont want visitors or i dont answer peoples calls or i dont engage or i dont visit its all "you can just call us or visit us". why the fuck would i want to spend time with a bunch of overgrown toddlers who dont want whats best for me and who actively shut me down any time i try to exist like a normal person. they literally treat me like a fucking dog. like weve HAD a dog and they just fed it and put it on a leash in the garden and that was p much it. dad actually didnt even feed it after the divorce i think? im pretty sure he forgot cus he expected US to do it? I WAS FUCKING EIGHT OR SOME SHIT. why would an eight year old with neglectful shitty parents know that theyre supposed to feed the dog. id get yelled at for literally anything i did if my mom or dad didnt like it to the point where i dont even know as an adult whether im allowed or not allowed to do things specifically because What If Someone Gets Mad At Me For Doing This Even Though They Shouldn't Get Mad For This But What If.

like even at inpatient, theres food in the kitchen. theres food and theres bread and sandwich stuff and theres even leftovers in the other fridge sometimes and if the kitchen isnt gonna be used anytime soon i can even cook myself something, like if i buy a pizza or i have a bag of macaroni. ive even been offered the option to make salads for lunch and i feel like THE MOST selfish bitch for having the audacity to need food or have certain issues with food that make me need to eat differently than most other people. i feel fucking bad just for asking for bread i can eat without gagging. i feel like im being judged HARSHLY when i eat fucking nutella. i almost have to hide candy or anything sweet like chocolate cus im afraid ill have to have the "you eat too much sugar" talk again as if its THAT easy just walking into the kitchen and eating.

so yeah anyways, my parens fucking suck and i want to yell at them every time i talk to them but i have the patience of a fucking saint cus thats the nly thing im allowed to have without any repercussions so i just have to shut up and wait to get home so i can finally go back to being a semi-normal person.

#vent about the family again cus theyre bitches and they suck

[burnedpages]

I dont know if im ever going to be able to move on from this.

and all of these memories just gone....

I was so sure this time.

I havent had a dream in 2 months, now I start taking these natural plant based gummies and its the second night in a row.

only it was us running from a killer. jai was trying to save me but I was trying to save you. then you and I lost each other in the crowd and me nick Alexis and jai all got shoved into a getaway bus and you ended up on a different bus.

I was crying and yelling your name out the window trying to get your attention. but you didn't look up or hear me. the busses began to leave and I woke up..

and I guess that really is how fighting for someone who doesn't want you to fight for them feels like. because they never once tried saving me in the dream. it was always me.

but why tf would jai be in the dream trying to save me? wtf lol that's so backwards.

there's a few different things that dream could mean.

but all I know is I'm tired of nobody fighting to keep me. I'm tired of people doing things to lose me then being upset about losing me as if it's not their fault. I don't think people realize that when you love somebody everything comes natural. so you'd never be put in the position to lose the person. idk why people don't realize that it's common sense.

and no, sending some text messages is not trying lmfao. not at all lmfao. trying is changed behavior. trying is showing up. trying is making an effort. trying is proof. trying is going the extra mile.

but no, instead I had to sit and explain to them what they did wrong until they stopped lying to me. and then after, I proceed to have to explain how to try and fix shit and none of it just ever happens.

but maybe there's nothing to fix because if they could do all that, then maybe they don't actually love me. it just doesn't make sense to love someone and then go and do everything that they did.

but how and why did it feel so real with us up until the last week we had?

until they made that choice.

maybe we're just not meant for this reality..

maybe we will meet again in a couple of years..

i dont know...

but i love you. and i miss you so fucking much. and i know you'll never see this so this is just for myself. but all of my writing is for me.

I loved you. more than I ever thought I could possibly love somebody.

I still do love you.

but my trust has been broken, and now i feel anything but loved by you.

we were so close.... so fucking close...

why would you do this???

and now im made out to be the bad guy because i left.

I told you from the beginning the only things that would make me leave and you agreed. but you did one of them anyways.

when youre afraid to lose somebody you should be doing everything in your power to keep them. not the other way around.

its funny how every time im the one done dirty, the other person is the one who needs saving. sounds like that Rihanna song.

"funny how im the broken one but youre the only one who needed saving."

im convinced that I'll never be shown different from anybody.

you were the one I wanted that from.

you were the one I wanted everything with.

and now?

im left in bed wondering what i could have done differently to make you not step out on me.

but i know its not my fault..

I loved you, and I will continue to love you...

but its not my job to show that anymore.

[effervescent-fools-shadow]

Long vent ahead, tw for mentions of suicide

Love it when your angry and try to explain your emotions but then you start crying before you can explain your emotions so you get frustrated but then your parents ask why your sad and you try to explain to them that your not sad and just angry and frustrated but your crying so you can’t get anything coherent out so they keep asking you and you keep getting more and more frustrated so then you leave to calm down and they follow you and ask more questions and all you can do is tell them that you want to be alone and never end up being able to explain your emotions and then you get sad because you’ve never been able to explain how your mind or emotions work without crying. How tf am I supposed to tell them that how they interpret things completely contradicts how I actually feel if I can’t do it without crying. Which only leads to more misinterpretation. Is this even a normal fucking thing or was I fucked over for my entire life because of some brain development I never had any fucking control over? I don’t have any diagnosed disorder to blame this on and nobody ever understands what’s going on with me. I can’t explain myself and because of how frustrated I get I tell people to just not worry about it, and bottle it up. And even if I don’t try to bottle it up I can’t fucking cry. I have no other outlet and venting doesn’t actually help me express my emotions. I only vent to get some fucking advice only to get ignored by every single one of my friends. I’ve gotten more help from random internet strangers then my friends. I’ve gotten more help from fucking reddit. When I get frustrated or angry or sad or suicidal I can’t cry for absolutely no reason no matter how much I feel like I need to so I am FORCED by my own body to bottle it up. Meanwhile everyone else who thinks that they understand how I feel or what I’m going through tells me to just let it out or something like it’s just that easy. Like I should be able to do it on command. And when I can get express my emotions in a way that’s not sobbing it’s yelling at someone. I fucking hate it. I’ve lost multiple friends because I try to tell them how I’m feeling and no matter how many times I tell them they just don’t get it and I just. Yell? Why do I yell? What I say doesn’t make any logical sense when I do and all they were trying to do is help and yet I yell at them. I am such a genuine asshole and I have no idea how to fix myself, which just makes me more sad, angry, and frustrated which I again have no choice but to bottle up. It’s an endless cycle no matter how much I try to end it. Until a few months ago my mom has been telling me that the only person who has control of my emotions is me but realistically I am controlled by my subconscious. The literal voice inside of my head that has so much fun reminding me of what an asshole I am. I wish I was being metaphorical but I’m not. When I think, I think in my voice. And there’s another one of my voices, the one that reminds me of everything I’ve done wrong. I don’t wanna sound like I’m being edgy but that is the best and only way I know how to describe it. Because even when I’m not frustrated or angry, as long as I’m alone with my thought I’m sad because of that voice. I’ve been going through a loop of feeling constantly terrible since THIRD FUCKING GRADE. I HAVE WANTED TO THROW MYSELF OFF OF A BUILDING SINCE I WAS 6. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON IT SHOULD BE THIS WAY. It is such fucking bullshit. There is no genuine reason for me to keep going. The economy is crashing, prices are going up and so is global temperature. The world is getting worse and by the time im an adult i might not have a chance to have a happy life. I’m verging on developing an ED because I constantly feel fat, AND ITS NOT EVEN MY FAULT. My body fat pools up in my gut and nowhere else. I CAN SEE MY FUCKING RIBS BUT I CANT GET RID OF THE FUCKING GUT. maybe if I worked out but I can’t even do that because I genuinely don’t have the time or energy. I wake up at nine and can’t muster up enough motivation to get up to get up until 30-60 mins later

#I ran out of fucking words oh my god #I might continue this in another post. this isn’t even half of what I’ve been bottling up for years. #vent

[the-kipsabian]

.

#i just. feel like so many ppl dont understand my attachment to certain things and my hyper fixation and things like that that make me happy #i know nobody needs to care or like what i like but at the same time im just like. i feel like nobody cares that im happy #i know its nothing personal and im probably over thinking this and everything but just like.. #its so easy to look at everyone else and see ppl being interested in all the other things be it same or different things #but there is interest towards what others like and i just. feel like i never have that. with anything with anyone #i just sit in my quiet void and yell at myself about things and some days thats enough #but then there are days when i see other ppl yelling with others about things and i just sit here like #im on the edge of my sandbox with a single shovel and a bucket while all the other kids hang out on another sandbox all together #and sure i have more space and i can do what i want #but sometimes it gets lonely here. and i'd just like someone to talk to #and i dont mean out of pity oh no i dont want that but like. even a touch of genuine interest or care about what i'd like to talk about #about things i like without me feeling like oh im just rambling again/to myself and that im actually not bothering ppl #that someone would just actually like to listen what i wanna ramble about #i havent had that feeling in a. very long time tbh #and its kinda draining #i know ive always been the kid with the odd taste in everything so i should be used to this #but maybe thats why its hitting so hard cause i shouldnt be used to it #i dont know now im sad and just. yeah #thoughts brought to you by the fact that i dont have chocolate and i feel like i need some rn 😔

[lolawassad]

Hey it’s me again. I have another request haha I was wondering if you could write a murphy x reader where the reader falls asleep on his shoulder and he goes all soft and is like “nobody fucking move or i’ll kill you myself or sum” haha. And if you want you could harper and monty be like the readers parents again. And in they case it would be like they finally understand that Murphy actually cares about the reader and isn’t just using them or something. (he proves himself to them in a way yk?)

Hope this makes sense, happy writing!! :))

John murphy (almost wrote john purple??) X reader

3rd pov

Monty walks in with a big smile "i did something new with the algae" he says proudely murphy who is sitting next to y/n scoffs.

"You trying to put me in a coma again?" He asks annoyed, making y/n and harper giggle "yeah 'dad' you trying to kill my boyfriend?" Y/n asks playfully, the dad part makes monty smile even more and the boyfriend part makes murphy cockily put his arm over his girlfriends shoulder with a smirk.

"See shes on my side" murphy says proud making the girl next to him shake her head "murp.. Dont be rude to my dad, he might actually poison the algea, remember the whole 'ill kill ya' speech he gave?" She asks concerned.

Bellamy glares at the couple in front of him as if echo isnt holding his hand on the table and scoffs "face it murphy, you wont ever be good enough for our little sunshine" he mocks, y/n kicks him under the table and echo slaps his chest letting go of his hand "dont be mean, i think.. You guys are a very cute couple" echo smiles before adding "remember my threat too okay little sky boy?"

Y/n sighs annoyed before shaking her head and walking away from the dinner table.

Murphy glares at the older couple before chasing after his girlfriend "doll" he yells before grabbing her arm, he lifts her up bridal style and takes her to the big window facing earth, he sits her down and then sits next to her.

"They just really fucking love you baby" he tells y/n making her scoff "its so annoying, everybody is a couple everyone deserves happieness but then i wanna be happy with you and its not okay, i mean i have had a crush on you since you punched finn the first day on earth cause he looked at me funny and then blamed it on me being friends with jasper so i was under your protec-" he cuts her off with a kiss

"i have had a crush on you since that day too, i didnt think you wanted anything to do with me because you scolded me and i didnt talk to you until after i got hanged and you stormed up and demanded they take me down. When connor put that knife against your throat i got so fucking pissed, thats why i took my anger out on him instead of wanting Charlotte to get floated. im happy Charlotte is still alive by the way, i heard she met a grounder her age before the bunker closed" y/n's head falls onto murphy's shoulder and he pulls her closer, their backs now against the wall facing the window "do you wanna go back J?" Y/n asks looking at earth

John just shrugs "im going where ever the fuck my girl is, so.. Do you wanna go back, doll?" The girl nods her head "i wanna see clarke, make up with her, i wanna see octavia, and just give her a hug, she needs one" she says

murphy nods in agreement before snorting "i bet she and lincoln are making childern as we fucking speak" y/n laughs

"Gross, i wouldnt be surprised if they already had a child though, i remember octavia saying she would have some kids with him when she told me about their relationship for the first time" she says

"what about you? You wanna have kids with me?" He asks, his mouth is in a smirk but his eyes are filled with hope. Y/n nods "fuck yeah, i want 3, and we shall call em huey dewey and louie-" he slaps her shoulder "fucking brat" he scolds her with a playfull laugh.

Murphy softly lays his head on her head and they just sit in silence watching the earth, it doesnt take long for y/n to fall asleep, leaving murphy with his thoughts on how lucky he is.

Then he hears the voices of the others, when they enter the hall way he softly but harshly tell them "shut the fuck up if you wake her i will take out your fucking eyeballs and shove them where the sun doesnt fucking shine yeah?" Before softly pulling his girl so shes laying on the floor with her head in his lap and starts playing with her hair.

Monty and bellamy look at each other and nod, echo and harper just smile at each other.

Raven and emori fake gag and whisper "gross affection" before raven jumps on emori's back and emori starts running away.

Thats how y/n wakes up, to a still staring at earth murphy and her head in his lap "i do want kids with you, i have had want them with you since the so many-th time you saved me" y/n says "i told octavia 'i want a boyfriend and kids but if he isnt john murphy then i will stay single and kidless my whole life" she continues before yawning and falling asleep again leaving John in happy tears

#the 100 x reader #x reader #john murphy x reader #john murphy x y/n #murphy x reader #the 100 #x y/n

[jaceyneedsabetterusername]

Hayloft (p.2)

Pairing: Arvin Russell x F!Reader

Summary: Your dad brings home his new coworker, Arvin Russell, telling you that he’ll be living with the two of you for a while. While attempting to keep Arvin from seeing the disfunction of your relationship with your father, the two of you grow closer than you thought. (Inspired by “Hayloft” by Mother Mother, though that’ll really only be one chapter later on so I don’t know if it really counts…)

Warnings: Abuse, drunkenness, misogyny, reader’s mother is dead, decapitating a chicken, reader is kind of emotional in this chapter

Word Count: 4.2k

A/N: My first slow(er) burn fic! Let me know what you think!

Part 1 

_____________________

Work had passed fairly quickly as it always did when you had the opening shift. It sure sucked having to arrive at five o’clock in the morning but at least you got off earlier and you knew that that way you could grab groceries before your father got home and could yell at you about an empty kitchen again. By two o’clock in the afternoon, you were home again, hopping out of your truck and grabbing as many bags as you could in one go. 

The loud sound of metal slamming against metal shook you and you flinched, looking between your door and the frame to see Arvin walking out towards you. It hadn’t occurred to you that his car was even in your driveway. After so many years of having busted broken down old cars sitting there that your dad had been swearing he’d fix for almost ten years, cars in the driveway seemed normal. “Let me give you a hand,” he offered as he got closer, lifting the canvas bags from your hands before you could object. 

“Oh!” You exclaimed as you felt the weight suddenly taken off your own arms, “Thank you.” You dove back into the truck to grab the last two bags before slamming it shut with your hips. The two of you began your stroll towards the front door, the dirt driveway kicking up around your feet. “You’re back early.” You noted, looking over at Arvin. 

He shrugged, “Yeah, uh, Wallace had me on the early shift today.” 

You fumbled with the bags as you tried to unlock the door, kicking it open with your toes when it finally gave in. You walked into your home and Arvin followed, closing the door behind him. “Been here long? I didn’t see you in the driveway.” 

“Not too long. I just didn’t want to let myself into your home without nobody there.” Arvin set the bags on the counter next to where you set yours. 

You began to unpack the bags and put the groceries in the respective places. Arvin watched off to the side, unsure of how your kitchen was organized so he was worried he’d do more than good if he stepped in. “My daddy got the late shift?” 

Arvin shook his head, noticing that his beat up old hat was still on his head despite being indoors and took it off immediately, his tousled brown curls parting messily down the middle. “No, we went in at the same time. He ‘n some buddies said they was goin’ to some bar in town.” 

He watched your shoulders fall a little and you sighed, “Figures…. You didn’t go?” 

Again, Arvin shook his head, “No. No offense to your daddy but I don’t like to drink the way I get the feelin’ he does.” 

You snorted, turning to him with a knowing chuckle, “Let’s just say that I’m sorry in advance for whatever he says or does when he gets home, if he gets home. Sheriff Pike might end up callin’ in the mornin’ tellin’ us to pick him up.” Though it was stated as a joke, Arvin could hear the tragic reality behind your words. 

Arvin then noticed the pack of beer bottles that you were pulling out of the bag. As if you could feel his eyes looking at you with worried curiosity, you glanced over at him, noticing the way his eyes flicked between you and the beer in your hands. You offered a sad shrug, “I know what you’re thinkin’ but trust me. Sometimes it’s better to have him drunk and possibly content than sober and angry there’s nothing to drink. Besides, the beer is better than the hard stuff with ‘im.” 

“‘M sorry. I didn’t mean to be makin’ faces. Your business is your business,” Arvin backpedalled, giving you an apologetic nod. 

You shook your head, “Don’t worry. I know how it looks. I’m sorry you gotta see all of it. I been tryin’ to keep to keep him calm but if you end up stayin’ a while, I’m sure you’ll get to see him at his worse times.” 

Arvin chewed his lip as he contemplated whether or not to bring up what had been going through his mind but he had to make sure you were alright. “I-I heard you ‘n your dad talkin’ last night… right after you left my room.” 

Your face fell as you realized what he was talking about, “You weren’t s’posed to hear that. I’m sorry.” Shit, this was what you were hoping to avoid. 

“Are you alright?” 

Gentle. Caring. His tone was something that had been long lost to you in this house and it took the words out of your mouth for a moment. It was embarrassing, the way your heart welled up with… well love wasn’t quite the right word but the warmth of being cared about. Not since after your mother had passed had you heard somebody actually care about how you felt. 

You just nodded and gave a forced smile that you could tell was easy to see through but it was the best you could muster. For someone who was able to take so much shit from their father and was able to look the man who would throw things at you and grab you by the hair dead in the eye with nothing but contempt, it was compassion that made you crumble. It had been so unexpected, especially from Arvin, the stranger living in your house. 

“Shit, ‘m sorry! I didn’t mean to - I didn’t mean to overstep. I only…” He stammered over his words and at first you were confused until you felt the single hot tear tracing its way down your cheek. 

You were quick to wipe it away, shocked at your own uncharacteristic show of vulnerability. You hadn’t realized until now that you had zoned out on the ground while Arvin’s words repeated in your head but now a flash of embarrassment ran through you. “No, no, no. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” You sniffled once before giving a small laugh of disbelief. “It’s just… It’s been a long time since anybody asked that.” 

You straightened up and ran your hands through your hair, eyes closed as you thought of what else you needed to do. Thankfully, if your dad was at the bar, you had at least another four hours to just you and Arvin, all night if you were lucky, though you seldom were. That was when the feeling of dread set in. Your dad had requested chicken roast for dinner tonight and whether he came home early and only a few beers in or you had to drive him home hungover in the morning, the man would be furious if there weren’t at least reheated leftovers for him. You had to kill Patty and prep her for dinner. 

“You okay?” Arvin asked again, though this time it was in reference to the way a heavy look fell over your features. It wasn’t a profound deep question like it was earlier. 

Your head wavered from side to side and your lips twisted, “My daddy asked for chicken roast tonight. I gotta go out and fix Patty up.” You tried to put it lightly though it felt anything but. “I’ll be out in the coop. You’re more than welcome to clean up in the shower or do whatever you’d like ‘round the house. The radio is in the livin’ room if you wanna tune into somethin’.” 

You pushed yourself off the counter and walked to the door in your kitchen that led out to the backyard but Arvin made a few steps to follow, “Is it alright if I keep you company? It don’t feel right bein’ in your house without you or your daddy here.” 

You smiled at the thought of him staying with you and you nodded, continuing out the door, “Sure, c’mon.” 

The hen house wasn’t very far from the back door. From there, you could see the several acres of land that your father was wasting. Your grandparents had bought this land in the late 1910’s and had started up a little farm of their own to sell locally, though your father had abandoned the farming portion after they died. It was where your daddy had grown up and then where you had as well. God, how you missed your grandparents. Your grandmother’s soft words of love and kindness but sternness and willingness to swat your butt with a wooden spoon if you got an attitude (though she would yell at your father if he ever tried to discipline you - “Now you leave that poor baby alone!”). Your grandfather had looked like a rough and angry old man from years of hard work but he had the softest heart of anyone you’d ever met. How the two of them had raised your father was beyond you. 

When you approached the wired fence and jiggled the lock open, the chickens inside stood surprisingly still. They trusted you. You could see it in their little brown eyes. You were safe and warm and didn’t want to harm them. You came in for the unfertilized eggs they laid and left, oftentimes with some seed and a soft pat or two on the head. Patty, a fat white hen with black specks, walked comfortably around your feet, nuzzling her head against your leg. She was the nicest hen you’d ever had. She trusted you. 

God, you were about to cry again. You bent down to pick her up and you held her against your chest, trying to look her in the eye, though it was difficult when she kept jerking it in different directions. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” you murmured low. Usually it was your father that would slaughter the hens if he really wanted the meat that badly. You had never done it yourself but he’d made you watch every time so that you knew how if the time ever came. Each time it made you sick to your stomach. 

Already, you felt green. The unassuming hen that you had been friendly enough to for her not flip out when you held her was none the wiser that her life was about to end by your hand. You glanced over to the large wood round just ahead and the axe that was leaned up against it. 

Your face contorted as you realized how much you disliked the placement. The way your father would slaughter chickens right in front of their friends made your heart break. It was barbaric. 

You walked over to Arvin and held Patty out towards him, “Would you mind holdin’ onto her for a second?” 

Though visibly confused, he took the chicken from your hands, drawing back when her wings fluttered out at the contact with the new strange man. Arvin watched as you walked towards the large round and tried to push it with all your might. “What’re you doin’?” 

“I’m-” you grunted, feeling it slide slowly, inch by inch, “trying to move it where the other chickens can’t see.” You took another moment to use all your force against it before standing up straight and breathing heavily, “I know it sounds dumb cause they’re only chickens but it feels cruel to make ‘em watch, y’know?” You went back to pushing the round and Arvin approached behind you. 

From here he could see the blood stains in the wood. It looked as if the blood had been washed off but the wood had been stained crimson regardless. There was also a divot where an axe had clearly been driven down many times over the years, chipping away at the wood. 

Arvin’s heart actually warmed a little at your attempt to show mercy and your willingness to go out of your way to spare some chickens’ feelings. It wasn’t something he was sure he’d do himself but when he heard you say it, he realized you had a point. It was cruel to imprison a bunch of animals and then lead them out one by one to be slaughtered in front of everyone, each animal waiting their turn. “Here, take ‘er back. Let me.” Arvin stepped in, handing Patty back over to you and bending down to lift the round onto its side with much effort. The wood had to weigh at least a hundred pounds and had long since settled into the ground where it had been placed when you were a child.

Your eyes widened as you watched his biceps bulge, straining the material of his blue t-shirt. You’d never seen a man with muscles like that before and you found your eyes trailing along his arms, following every popping vein from the tops of his hands, up his forearms, and onto his biceps until they disappeared beneath his shirt. It was something you hadn’t expected to see in him. Arvin looked like a quiet, polite, hardworking young man but you never would have imagined the immaculate muscles he possessed. You found your mind wandering to what other surprises laid in store beneath all those layers he wo- 

You needed to calm yourself down. If only he could hear your thoughts, he surely would be furious and disgusted with you. You hadn’t had such impure thoughts since that one time you had been messing around with Jimmy Bates in the backseat of his old car back in your senior year of high school. The two of you didn’t even go all the way but you went far enough and the guilt ate you alive since the two of you were never officially together anyways. He was just the cute boy from high school that you had pined over years that had finally given you the chance right before he shipped off to join the war. 

“This alright?” Arvin asked, shaking you from your fantasy, and you snapped back into reality to realize he had rolled the wood round around the side of the coop behind the wooden wall, outside of the other chickens’ views. 

You nodded and walked over to him, “That’s perfect. Thank you so much for doin’ that. I know it’s sorta stupid.” 

Arvin shook his head, putting his hands on his hips, “If it means somethin’ to you, it ain’t stupid at all. Besides, now that you pointed it out, it was a little barbaric.” 

You smiled up at him, one which he returned. How was this boy so damn nice? Was this some cosmic way of the universe finally giving you something good in your life? You’d become so calloused to your father’s harsh words and barked commands that you had forgotten how nice it was to feel cared about and validated. And you barely knew him. 

“‘M glad you think so.” You looked down at Patty in your arms and any good feelings you’d had melted to sadness and fear. “You been a good girl, Patty. I know you struggled with layin’ eggs for a while but you were always a good girl. Never bit me once unlike some of them other hens.” You weren’t often very soft and vulnerable but you were about to take something’s life for the first time and you couldn’t help but feel the weight of that on your heart. If this were a life or death situation, you would feel better about it, but it wasn’t. The only reason Patty had to die was because your father would throw a fit if she didn’t. 

You carried her to the log and gave her a little kiss on the top of the head, “Please don’t hate me but I understand if you do. Say hi to my momma for me, will you? Tell her I love and miss her.” You set her down and got her in the position you always saw your dad put the other chickens in before he chopped their heads off. Arvin handed you the axe with uncertainty but watched on as you struggled to bring yourself to finish the deed. 

You held her down and you could tell by the way she was flailing that she was panicking now. Patty was well aware of what was happening. “I’m sorry!” You choked, tears welling up in your eyes as her panic began to turn into your own panic. How did people do this? Why was this so freaking difficult? 

Tossing the axe slightly in your hand, you readjusted the handle and just as you went to swing, Arvin piped up, “I can do it.” 

You looked over at him, the afternoon sun reflecting the tears in your eyes and making the color of your irises stand out in tragic beauty. “I-I- Would you really not mind?” You breathed out in relief. 

Arvin stepped forward and you handed the axe out to him, “I don’t mind.” You held onto Patty until Arvin could position her just right as well. He had no idea what he was doing - he’d never had to slaughter a chicken before. He had heard that all you had to do was cut their head off though and then he’d heard the rumors of them running around like crazy even after their head hit the ground. How hard could it be? 

Once he had the hen pinned down where he wanted her, he looked up to see you chewing on your thumb, brows knitted in discomfort. It wasn’t the first chicken you’d watched get slaughtered but it was far from something you enjoyed observing. Arvin signaled to you with a nod before raising the axe above his head and you shut your eyes tight, flinching at the sound of the old metal head thudding into the old wood. 

**

You had the carcass sitting in the sink while you pulled off the blood soaked feathers, depositing them into the trash bin by the handful. This part was easier for you, something you’d done many times in the past. “Thank you for doin’ that. I’m sorry I’m such a baby.” 

Arvin sat at the kitchen table behind you, “You ain’t a baby just cause you don’t like to kill things. I’d say it’s probably rather normal.” 

The time was inching closer to four o’clock now and the sun was beginning to hang ever so slightly lower in the sky, the precursor to sunset. It was warm outside and a cool spring breeze blew in through the open window above the sink. You snickered as you pulled another handful of feathers out, “Yeah? That mean you ain’t normal?” You looked over at him with a playful glint in your eye but your smile fell when you saw an uncomfortable look cross his face, almost like he’d seen a ghost. 

“I ain’t never said I liked killin’ either.” Arvin attempted to match your joking tone but it was pretty evident there was a weight behind his words. 

“Hey, I‘m sorry. I was only jokin’.” A pang of guilt washed over you but it was only that. A joke. You hadn’t imagined teasing him over something like killing a chicken would set him off, especially since he volunteered to do it for you, but apparently you were wrong. 

Arvin sniffed and scratched his nose, “I know.” After a moment of awkward silence, he stood, “Let me give you a hand. What do you need done?” 

You scanned his face once more to make sure he was really okay but you decided to drop it when you saw his insistent look. You shook your head, “I got it. It ain’t much after I get this all gutted and cleaned.” You picked up the mostly featherless carcass by the wings and plopped it back down into the sink. 

“Well ‘m sure there’s vegetables or somethin’ else that goes with it, right? Let me start cuttin’ those up.” His persistence was adorable, making your heart flutter in the most wonderful way. The idea of a man actually being helpful was unknown to you before Arvin. Your life had been filled with your dad’s drunken bossings since you were twelve years old. You couldn’t remember the last time a genuinely kind voice offered you anything more than a smile on the street, not that you took that for granted. Arvin was just different though. Noble and helpful and kind. 

“You really don’t have to-” 

“Yeah, you keep sayin’ that but I really do want to help. So what can I do to make things easier on you?” He took a few steps closer to you until you felt the beginning of what could have been sparks if he stepped any nearer, like when you hold two magnets a few inches apart and you can feel the energy between them, that hint of attraction, but it’s not quite close enough to pull them together. 

The blush in your cheeks at his simple gesture made you break the eye contact with a nervous laugh of retreat, “Okay, fine. If you’re gonna be so insistent,” you drew out with a teasing drawl, “you can cut up veggies. There’s potatoes over there and carrots and zucchini in the fridge.” 

Arvin’s lips turned up in a small smile when you finally resigned your stubborn ways and he went off to find the vegetables where you had directed him. 

Needless to say, when your father came home from the bar to find you and Arvin talking over a song by the Platters playing on the radio with Arvin cleaning up the dishes while you tossed together the vegetables and the seasoning, he was less than pleased. 

“What the hell is going on here?” His slurred speech made your eyes widen in fear. He was supposed to get home later like he always did. But then you found yourself chiding your irresponsibility. Why the hell would you take that chance? You knew better than to let Arvin help out and now you were gonna pay. 

Arvin sensed the way you tensed up beside him and watched as you spun around to face your father with haste, “Just finishin’ up dinner now. Should be ready by six so you got more than enough time to take a sho-” 

“Why the fuck is he doin’ the dishes?” You father was leaning against the wall, clearly relying on the structure for support. This wasn’t the time to test him, not with Arvin here. It was times like this when he’d start throwing stuff at you. 

Before you could say anything, Arvin piped up firmly but respectfully, “I offered, sir. It’s no problem at all.” 

Your dad pointed at Arvin, “A man ain’t got no place with his hands in a sink of dishes. You leave that shit to her and she’ll just grab you a beer.” He stumbled over his own feet before catching himself ungracefully. 

Arvin’s jaw set tightly and you gripped the countertop with white knuckles behind you. Times like this, you weren’t even sure what to say anymore. No amount of standing up for yourself got you anywhere with him. You never made any headway with your dad’s sexist views on gender roles. It was pointless. The only thing to do was try and work your way to supporting yourself so you could get the hell out of dodge and never look back. 

Arvin’s voice surprised you, “A man’s place is helpin’ out the women in his life when they need, not leavin’ ‘em to do all the housework themselves.” You nearly choked on your own tongue at his words. It was a bold statement for a man to make, especially to the head of the house that was being so gracious as to host him free of charge, but he didn’t back down. It appeared like the jab was lost on your drunken father but Arvin continued with a slightly less accusatory comment to diffuse the situation regardless, “I grew up helpin’ my grandma with all the house chores so I really don’t mind at all.” 

You watched the way your dad eyed Arvin and then you before scoffing and grumbling incoherently as he shuffled his way into the living room. You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. “I don’t want you gettin’ kicked out ‘cause of me. You didn’t have to say nothin’.” 

Arvin glared at where your father had disappeared and nodded, “Yeah, I did. You don’t deserve all the shit he gives you.” 

You suddenly found yourself avoiding his eyes and twisting your lips. He was right and you were well aware of that fact. The abuse your dad put you through was uncalled for at best. The fact that Arvin had actually taken the time to not only notice the same fact but acknowledge it and stand up for you was something you never thought you’d hear someone do. It made you uncomfortable. You’d been fighting this battle by yourself for so long that letting somebody even know it was being waged was enough to make you want to sink away. Even so, a part of you wanted to let Arvin keep standing up for you. It made you feel weak after having to stand up for yourself for so long but also validated. 

Your eyes flicked up to meet his for only a moment before turning back towards dinner that sat in a roasting pan on the stove, “Thank you.” 

______

Taglist: 

@thisisparadisemylove

@justapurrcat

#arvin russel imagine #arvin russell x you #Arvin Russell #arvin rus #arvin russell x reader #arvin russel #arvin russel x reader #arvin russel x y/n #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland one shot #The Devil All The Time #tdatt #tdatt imagine #tdatt fics #Hayloft

[monaisdark]

Ok ok, just hear me out, I haven’t read any one shot or story with knife play and like, I’m kinda into that shit, no judgment plz, um but for my request I would love a dominant reader who’s a villain, paired with literally anyone, I literally just want femdom with a knife plz 🖤 I really like your content 🖤

FEMDOMS WITH KNIFES FEMDOMS WITH KNIFES THANK YOU !! decided to do some bakugou because yknow what - that man needs to be put in his place by a sexy villain lady goddammit !! also, dw about judgement here ‘cus there is a 90% chance im into it :’) ofc thank u for the ask bc yall’s brains >>> 

➨ paring — Pro Hero! Katsuki Bakugou x Fem! Villain! Reader

➨ warnings —  dubcon, Sub! Bakugou, Dom! Reader, knife play, blood play, begging, handcuffing

Bakugou didn’t know what even led up to this. It was late at night and he was on patrol, he does this all the time! Yet, you got him. He didn’t even have time to react before his gauntlets were knocked out of his hands, cuffs were put on him, and connected the chain attached to the cuffs to a fence in the alleyway.

“You fucking bitch!” He yelled, immediately trying to activate his quirk but it only amounted to a few sparks. “Huh?! —“

“Quirk cancelling cuffs. Crazy the things the black-market sells.” You lifted the hood of your coat, getting a little too close for Bakugou’s comfort. “Dynamight, huh? I was expecting more of a fight for a Pro Hero.” You were taunting him, the sounds of sparks echoing throughout the empty alleyway.

“Y’know, that’s the definition of insanity — doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” A laugh left your lips, as Bakugou scowled, “You’re the crazy bitch here! What the hell do you want!?” Your tone darkened, grabbing his face. “Stop yelling, I might have to put a gag in your mouth.”

Bakugou couldn’t help but shudder, your touch was cold. And your eyes staring into his didn’t help him stay calm. Bakugou hasn’t felt this vulnerable in a long time. You captured him so easily, how has he never heard of you?

“The smart ones lurk in the shadows. Bet you didn’t even hear me!” You were back to laughing his face, you were able to read him so easily. He growled curses under his breath, thrashing around. “Ah, don’t be like that. I haven’t even done anything to you... yet.” 

“You low-life! Take these cuffs off and fucking fight me!” That was it, you pulled out a scary-looking knife, “A lot of people want you dead, I’m sure you know. If I were someone boring, you’d be lying in your own blood right now.” Bakugou could feel the tip of the knife though the fabric of his hero costume on his chest, his breath hitched. There was nothing he could do. 

“Mhm... even with quirks, I don’t think anything beats a good ol’ knife.” Bakugou could see the blood that stained the knife, you’ve used it before. “I’d rather have some fun with you, y’know? Not everyday you get to capture such a great hero.”  

“What the hell are you talkin — !“ A lick. You licked his collarbone, “Aha! You are so cute.” Bakugou froze up, he wasn’t expecting this. He tried to hold back a gasp when you started palming him. You were crazier than he thought.

“Shit, stop... stop this!” He wanted to move, just enough to kick you in the chest to get you away from him, but the knife was pressed so closely to him. Any more movement and he would have it piercing his chest. And even then, he’s still cuffed and chained, how will he fight you? “Ah, stop? But you’re getting hard, what monster would I be to give you blue balls?” You giggled in his ear.

It wasn’t long before you were crouching before him, the knife moving from his chest to his lower  abdomen, “Get the fuck away from me! I’ll fucking kill you!” Bakugou tried to cling onto his power. He didn’t expect you to listen, but like hell he’d let you get away with this so easily.

A smile spread on your face as you took his semi-hard dick out of his pants. “Such words for someone who’s turned on.” Bakugou’s breath hitched, damn his body for responding to you. “Don’t...don’t do anything — shit!” You were stroking him, bringing your mouth close to his head to give him kitten licks. He cursed as he felt himself grow fully hard now under your touch, much to his dislike.

“I have to say, you’re impressive. Now — “ You pressed the knife down on the exposed skin of his lower abdomen, Bakugou could feel a small blood trickle down from there. “Don’t try to fight back right now. I’d rather not plunge my knife into you right now.” You pushed him onto the cold concrete ground, moving his trapped hands above his head. 

Everything was rushing over Bakugou, he wasn’t one to not fight back. But the knife paired with your quick movements and those damn cuffs, he’s weak. Weaker then he ever imagined himself being around a villain like you. You crawled on top of him, not wasting time on removing your panties and hoisting your skirt up. You sat on his lap, his cock against the fabric of your skirt.

He could still feel the blood from his abdomen trickle down, a wince coming from him as he felt another small slice go with his previous one. “Sorry! Couldn’t help myself.” Your voice was oddly smooth, it was like it was tickling Bakugou’s every being. Maybe it was the blood rushing through his body but he couldn’t deny you were attractive. Bakugou tended to focus on his hero work, he had no time for women even as a Pro Hero. 

Bakugou was becoming puddy in your hands, your gloved hand stroking him as the knife trailed his torso, a small a trail of blood being left behind. He tried to hold his panting, but he couldn’t help it. It made it worse seeing you lift yourself from his lap, not wasting time on plunging yourself on him.

“Ah, aha... A snug fit, right?” Bakugou was fully a mess now, you felt amazing. “No... shit — get... get off! You...you bitch!” He didn’t want you to stop. His pride was getting over him, what if someone saw him? He was a Pro Hero - a damn good one as well - and he let a villain with cuffs and a knife get the best of him? He should hate this, yet his pants and moans were showing otherwise. He was even bucking his hips slightly!

“You’re so mean!” Bakugou winced as he felt stinging again, this time on his upper thigh. You cut him again. “Say sorry.” You demanded, your knife teasing another slice to his thigh. Bakugou stayed quiet, clenching his jaw as he felt you going up and down on him. “Say sorry!” This time you were louder, another stinging pain hit Bakugou, a second cut to match the previous one on his thigh.

Bakugou couldn’t even open his eyes or mouth, how pitiful did he look right now? Say sorry? You’re the one doing this to him! You were making him such a mess, he’s the one that’s supposed to be stronger! 

“How childish. You can’t even say two words yet you’re panting like a dog right now! Let’s see...” Bakugou felt you stop moving and the knife move to his neck, he wanted to curse. You can’t tease him like this. “I wanted this to be fun but you can’t just let your stupid superiority complex go, huh?” Friction, he needed friction desperately. The knife was cold like you, but your cunt was so warm. Please just forget about it and move, wasn’t tying him up enough?

“Fuck... move, just move.” He didn’t want to have to beg, that’ll confirm you have the upperhand. “Mhmn, not until you say sorry —” You stopped for a second, a devious smile forming, “...Actually, if you want me off you so bad...” You lifted yourself off of him slowly, teasing him as he could no longer feel your soft insides around him. 

God, he hated this. He was so hard it hurts, a string of pre-cum was forming at his tip. He was sweaty and red despite the weather being cool. You still sat on him, even without him inside you, he could feel your soaked, warm core that contrasted your body. Your eyes staring down on him like he was a deer and you were a hunter. You wanted him to beg. 

Bakugou struggled to form a sentence, he was out of breath and half lidded. Words that he never would have expected himself to utter came out, “Inside... back inside. I’m sorry! P-Please, please, put it back in!” A tight, warm feeling engulfed around Bakugou’s cock again, he missed it. A smile spreaded on your face, not one of deviance but one of joy, “Ahah, you see? How hard was that?” You removed the knife from his neck and opted to trailing it along his lower stomach. 

You beat him, Bakugou was enjoying this. He didn’t care that you were a villain anymore, or how you had the upper hand in all this. Hell, you could use that knife all you wanted on him! Just bounce on his cock, that’s all he wants.

He could feel you pulling him in every time you thrusted yourself on him and Bakugou was brought to the edge each time. He was beginning to twitch and you seemed to notice too, slowing down to drag out the feeling you gave him. “Do you want to cum inside?” He nodded profusely, “Use your words.” He has to beg to cum? He truly has to give up all his control.

“Please! Ah! Cum inside... let me cum inside!” Bakugou was loud, it was a surprise nobody ventured into the alley with all the sounds of skin slapping and moans. Perks of shitty, small neighborhoods. Nobody gave a fuck. Not that he wanted anyone to see this anyways, this was certainly a way to be ‘defeated’ by a villain.

“Go ahead — you’ve been so good.” You left the knife on his stomach but with the way Bakugou was breathing, the tip of the metal could poke him still. You let him buck his hips into yours, leaning down to grab his head with your free hands to give him a kiss on the forehead. He wasted no time in filling you up, the way you continued to bounce on him despite him cumming already brought him over the edge to another orgasm. 

After what felt like hours of warmth and tightness, Bakugou was a mess. Everything was clouded in his head, he just came in a villain. And he liked it.

He could the weight of your body get off of him, grabbing the knife from his stomach and tucking it in your coat pocket. Bakugou cursed himself for missing your touch, the cold from the air was different from the cold of your body and knife. “Be good and don’t do anything, hm?” You dangled the keys to the cuffs and chain above him. He nodded — not like he would anyways, he was smitten. 

As you uncuffed him, Bakugou didn’t even try to attack you, which was great for you. He didn’t say anything, looking at the ground though his breath was heavy. He felt a piece of fabric fall on his lap, your panties. “Parting gift.” You laughed but Bakugou felt his stomach begin to turn. As you walked away without another word, he could feel panic build up slightly — he still knew nothing about you. 

He wasn’t mad like he should be. He wanted to see you, feel you. All he could do for now was hold the fabric close... the thought of you still fresh in his mind.

#bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki #bnha x reader #tw dubcon #tw dubious consent #sub bakugou #dom reader #knifeplay #cuffing #begging #blood play #dark blog #dark fic #tw

[waitimcomingtoo]

fine line - p.p

chapter 3

pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Synopsis: there’s a fine line between love and hate and you and Peter dance it on a regular basis

Series Masterlist and Regular Masterlist

Not wanting to go to bed and leave thing the way you had, Peter waited for you to get home before he went to bed. His cheek slowly slid down his hand as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He knew your curfew was midnight, so he just had to wait until then. Finally at 12:08, you walked in the room. Peter felt the chill right away as you dropped your purse on the table and put your hands in your hips, glaring at Peter.

“How was your date?” He asked kindly. “Did he ask you to be his-“

“No. I wouldn’t know what he asked me because I couldn’t stop thinking about our stupid fight.” You yelled. Peter was relieved you were talking to him, even if you were yelling. He feared you’d never speak to him again after what he said to you, so he saw this as a good sign.

“I didn’t know I meant that much to you.” Peter laughed weakly, trying to joke to lighten the mood.

“You don’t. God, I can’t stand you.” You ran your fingers through your hair and gave them a stressful tug. “Do you ever go home?”

“This is my home.” Peter said quietly, deciding to let you get your anger out.

“No it’s not!” You screamed. “Nobody wants you here!”

“Hey!” Tony bellowed as he entered the room, making you and Peter jump. “I want him here.”

“Daddy-“ You began to explain yourself but Tony cut you off.

“What has gotten into you, Y/n?” Tony asked with disappointment. “I asked you to do one thing, just give Peter a chance. Is it so hard to be nice to him?”

“But he said-“

“I don’t care what he said.” He interrupted. “You need to apologize.”

“Apologize? You’re not even gonna hear my side?” You felt tears of frustration come to your eyes again as your dad chose Peter over you.

“I don’t need to.” Tony shrugged, making your heart sink. Peter saw how sad that comment made you and felt all his guilt rush back in.

“You don’t need to?” You repeated sadly before your eyes hardened in realization. “Because you’re on Peters side. You’re always on Peters side.”

“Mr. Stark, she really doesn’t need to apologize. It’s okay.” Peter cut in, not wanting to make you hate him more than you already did.

“It’s not okay. We’re a family and she needs to start acting like it.” Tony said sternly.

“He is not my family.” You said through gritted teeth.

“Yes he is. I even bought him luggage to match ours.” Tony, never one to be serious for too long, smiled at the two of you as he clasped his hands together. He scurried to the hall closet and took out two matching suitcases, one for him and one for Peter.

“You what?” You whispered as a tear fell down your cheek, one only Peter could see.

“What, you don’t like it?” Tony saw your sadness as disdain for the suitcase. “It’s gucci.”

“You already have a suitcase.” You said weakly. Something about the suitcases was really getting to you, but Peter didn’t understand why. He studied your slumped shoulders and solemn expression, looking like you accepted defeat.

“That old thing? I threw that out. The zippers fell off three years ago and the side was completely ripped. And look, this one has a tiger on it.” Tony smirked proudly as he showed you the tiger decal on the side.

“You threw it out?” You whispered like you couldn’t believe it.

“That company went out of business and I wanted Peter-“

“Right.” You cut him off and nodded glumly. “You wanted Peter.”

“Don’t try to change the subject.” Tony pointed a finger at you. “I want you to apologize to Peter for yelling at him.

“Mr. Stark.” Peter tried to cut in, but Tony didn’t allow it.

“No. I want to hear it.” Tony persisted. “I spent too much of my life acting like an assface and yelling at people who didn’t deserve it. I don’t want my daughter to be the same way. Apologize. Come on, let’s hear it.”

You blinked a few times as tears rolled down your face, ruining the makeup Peter had admired earlier in the night. Your sad eyes met his sympathetic ones as you swallowed thickly.

“I’m sorry, Parker.” You croaked. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Thank you.” Tony smiled, pleased now with what he heard. “Now how was your date?”

“It was fine.” You lied as you wiped your face. “I’m really tired, I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Alright.” Tony nodded. “Goodnight, Princess.”

“Night dad.” You muttered before leaving the room. Tony looked at Peter curiously, both noticing the indifference in your tone.

“Did she just call me ‘dad’”? Tony laughed shortly but his eyes remained questionable. “She’s hasn’t called me ‘dad’ a day in her life.”

“I think you should take her on the next mission, Mr. Stark. I think she’d really appreciate that.” Peter spoke softly, not wanting to overstep.

“What do you mean? She comes with us all the time.” Tony cocked his head.

“Actually, sir, it’s been a while. Over a month I think.” Peter pretended not to know exactly how long it had been since you’d gone on a mission.

“Hm.” Tony thought about it and realized Peter was right. “Thanks for the info, Pete. I’ll take her next time.”

“Alright. Night, Mr. Stark.” Peter gathered his laptop as made his way towards the door.

“Night, kid.” Tony nodded, still deep in thought as he put the pieces together as to why exactly you had a problem with Peter.

~

You took a long, hot shower, letting the night wash away and down the drain. A residual frown remained on your face as you towel dried your hair, feeling the tears come back when you caught sight of the framed photo of you and the Avengers from your first mission. You collapsed on your bed and let your emotions pour out, crying silently into your hand so you wouldn’t wake anyone. Unbeknownst to you, Peter heard every sharp breath and muffled sob. He listened to it for a few minutes, feeling his guilt chew away at his insides before he got off his bed and went to his room. He knocked on your door and walked in before you could respond, making you jump to wipe your face. You sat up and sniffled a few times, deciding there was no use in trying to hide the fact that you were crying.

Without saying anything, Peter took a box of tissues out from behind his back and dropped them on your bed. You stared at the box, your eyes slowly traveling up to Peter in disbelief of his kind act. You reached for the box and clutched it to your chest, giving him a slight nod to thank him. He turned to leave as quickly as he came, but you spoke up.

“Peter?” You spoke quietly, making him smile before he turned around to face you.

“Yes?” He asked in a gentle tone. You blinked a few times and clutched the box tighter, hesitant to ask anything from him after your fight. The way his eyes held no hostility towards you made you feel like you could ask him anything in that moment. 

“Would you stay with me?”

Tag List 🏷

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