#nny rambles about things

[joh-nny-c]

If I had a nickel for every time a character named Jimmy had an obsession with the protagonist of a series I like to the point they stalk them and dress up like them I would have two nickels.

Which isn’t a lot, but its weird that it happened twice.

#ben 10 #b10 #jimmy jones #johnny the homicidal maniac #jthm #mmy #nny rambles about things

[venusenvvvy]

Re: The Last of Us (Season 1, Episode 3) - no game spoilers or post episode 3 spoilers.

I can’t get this out of my head so here is a short, rough, unedited and rambling essay.

This episode was so important and necessary. Because of the world it takes place in and the wider story of The Last of Us, this answers an insanely pertinent question: “Why try?”

The Last of Us is dark. Throughout the series and game respectively, you see the characters fight to survive day in and day out. In the game specifically, you fight to survive. Every day is a struggle. Food and medicine are scarce and the government is authoritarian. Anyone you risk getting close to you are in danger of losing. After losing his daughter Sarah, like most trauma survivors Joel goes into survival mode. He distances himself from his only remaining family, his brother, who joins the rebellion to fight for a better life. He refuses to get close to Tess, who it’s revealed has been by his side - his literal partner in crime - for over a decade. He pushes her away, scared to love her and lose her, and loses her anyway.

You see a lot of jokes online about how people would immediately kill themselves if they saw a zombie apocalypse coming on. Jokes about seeing a clicker and immediately giving up. But in your heart, you know they wouldn’t. Just like you, they’d fight to live. But why? Surely it can’t all be biological, animal instinct. Why do humans, even in the worst of times, fight so hard to survive against all odds?

This episode is the answer. Because in-between all the hardship, and the pain, and the fear of losing the people you love, there’s all these little moments. All this joy and life and beauty and love left in the world, if we allow ourselves to build it. Only in the aftermath of a long and beautiful life full of joy and love and good food and art, when Frank’s quality of life is almost nonexistent, does he make the decision that he is finished. Like leaving a party when it’s over and everyone has gone, when the lights and music are off and the wine is empty. And at the end of it all, when Frank and Bill are old and sitting at the dinner table with a poisoned bottle of wine, you don’t ask yourself: Was it worth all the work? The struggle? Because you already know it was.

(There’s also something to be said about this storyline and the parallels one can draw to older gay couples and how they’ve had to fight for their happy endings, and to experience queer love and joy in the face of danger; of violent bigotry and homophobia. Especially when Frank develops and incurable, terminal chronic illness that seems to slowly eat away at his quality of life - but that’s a different, tangential essay.)

Those moments are why these characters are fighting to live. That is why they struggle every day to make the world a better place. That is why Joel is taking Ellie across the country in hope of a cure. That is why he should let Ellie into his life - shouldn’t give up on connecting with other people. That is why you should root for these characters.

So, yeah. This episode a masterpiece of well made television. It’s a masterclass in cinematography; screenwriting, characterization and development, acting, prop and set design, presenting the passage of time on screen in a natural and non-jarring way (I could go on, of course). It’s an incredible step forward for queer representation in popular media, and the normalization of gay love on screen. It’s a whispered apology for how Bill and Frank’s relationship is treated in the original game.

It’s all these things: But it’s also absolutely, without a doubt, crucial to the atmosphere and plot of the series, that will recontextualize future episodes. Anyone that claims it adds nothing to the narrative, or brushes it off as HBO dragging the plot to a standstill so that they can “appease the woke mob” by “shoving gayness down the audiences throat”, is an idiot bigot that can suck my tr*nny clit-dick.

#lgbtq #the last of us spoilers #the last of us #the last of us season 1 episode 3 #queer representation #bill and frank #storytelling

[hyenafan]

Nny dies by chip and then Jimmy waterboards him

Rating: G

Pairing: Mmy/Nny

The Señor Salsa chip crunched satisfyingly in Johnny’s mouth as he sat on his couch in front of the tv. He reached his hand back into the chip bag, but all he could feel was grease and the smoothness of the inside of the bag.

It couldn’t be empty. Johnny could have sworn he’d only eaten about four chips! With a frown, he turned away from the tv and lifted up the chip bag to get a better look inside.

The crumbs tumbled down and fell right into his eye, immediately burning it with the power of a thousand suns.

Johnny screeched, dropping the bag. The injured eye watered up first in a futile attempt to flush out the irritant, but the other one started to tear up from the pain. Soon he was rubbing furiously both of his eyes. It did nothing to stop the pain, if anything he thought maybe it was burning more. But doing something seemed better than nothing. Tears streamed down his face and soaked his hands as the burning consuming his eyeball continued.

“Shit! What happened?”

Johnny didn’t need his eyes to see the owner of that annoying voice.

Jimmy had been living with him for several weeks now and Johnny still wasn’t sure why he’d allowed it. He was loud and annoying, talking to Johnny about his different ideas for killing people. The jokes were even worse, either puerile puns or jokes that Johnny worried weren’t even jokes at all. But that would make even less sense. And then Johnny’s things would end up in different places. He’d be sure he left his pencil on his desk only to find it somewhere completely different. Johnny thought maybe the doughboys had come back, until Jimmy admitted to using his things. Somehow, having another person move his things around was more irritating than his figments doing the same thing.

“The fucking chips!” Johnny hissed out in pain as he waved a hand at where he assumed the bag fell on the floor. Maybe now that he answered he’d leave Johnny alone to his misery.

“Okay, okay. I can help! Don’t panic!” Jimmy sounded more panicked than Johnny did.

Arms wrapped around his middle from behind, dragging him back and up off of the couch. His legs flailed underneath him for a moment before he got to his feet. He really should have cut Jimmy to ribbons for manhandling him like that, but gathering the energy for that seemed like too much trouble when his eyeball was on fire.

“Here.” Hands wrapped around his wrists and pulled them away from Johnny’s face. “You shouldn’t rub them so hard or you’ll make it worse,” Jimmy said as he started to pull him forward. Johnny didn’t see how it could get much worse. He already wanted to slam his head through a wall just to distract himself from the pain. But he supposed tearing off his eyelids from rubbing wouldn’t help either.

“But don’t worry, babe. I know just what to do!”

Johnny tried to open the eye that wasn’t throbbing to glare at him, but it was far too watery and blurry to see anything or keep it open. He settled for grumbling irritatedly as he tried to ignore the heat coming up to his face. Last thing he needed was getting sick on top of this. Still, he was pretty sure he saw Jimmy grinning at him in that one moment he got his eye open.

He blindly followed Jimmy’s lead, groaning miserably from the pain.

“I’ve got ya. I’ll fix it in no time.”

They stopped in what Johnny thought was his kitchen. As soon as Jimmy let go of his hands they went straight to his face. He pressed the heels against his eyebrows, just barely keeping himself from rubbing his eyes into his skull.

He could hear Jimmy turn the faucet on and start running around the kitchen, opening different cabinets as he rambled on, saying things Johnny assumed he thought were reassuring. Johnny ignored him.

His eye continued to throb horribly. He could feel the fiery pain going all the way back to the nerve at the back of his eye. The crumbs felt like huge pieces of glass carving through his cornea like a knife through someone’s skin.

All Johnny could think to do was carve his eye out with a spoon. That would make this pain stop! Of course then there’d be new pain, but it couldn’t be as bad as this.

That must be why Jimmy brought him to the kitchen, he pain-addled mind decided. Oh well. He didn’t want to lose his eye, but anything would be better than what he was feeling right now.

“Okay! It’s all set up.” The sound of the running water had stopped and Johnny hadn’t even noticed when it happened. Jimmy grabbed his wrists and pulled him forward again. “Here’s the counter.” This trip was shorter and when he let go Johnny managed to keep his hands away from his face with great effort, grabbing the edge of the counter instead. Now they couldn’t get in the way. The quicker this was done, the better.

A hand came to the back of his head and pushed it down. Right into cool water. He nearly breathed it in in shock. It went up his nose and flooded his mouth. His eyes opened as he flailed and sputtered, but he couldn’t get his face out of the water

After what seemed like an eternity, Jimmy finally let his head up. Johnny coughed up the water that managed to make it into his lungs. He opened one eye to see the big bowl full of water on the counter. The water dripped all around the bowl, making a puddle underneath.

“That’s better, right?”

Johnny turned to glare at him. It should have dropped him dead right there if he didn’t have one eye squinted shut and the front of his hair plastered to his drenched face as water dripped down, soaking the front of his shirt. He looked like a half-drowned cat. 

What would be better would be if Jimmy had all his insides on the outside. Maybe then he’d stop talking, though Johnny doubted it.

Then he paused. Actually, his eye was burning a lot less. But he could still feel the artificial spicy powder there.

“A little bit,” he grumbled, knowing where this was going.

“Alright then let’s keep going!” Jimmy gave him another grin.

—-----------

A few minutes later Jimmy handed him a kitchen towel. Johnny took it and shoved his face in it, drying himself off. His hair and shirt were still damp, but that was a huge improvement.

He watched as Jimmy emptied the bowl of water down the sink.

Maybe he wasn’t as annoying as Johnny thought. He was useful here at least. And really, he’d been helpful cleaning blood off of things the whole time he’d been here. Occasionally some of his jokes could be funny. Maybe him living here could work out. “Thanks.”

Jimmy put the bowl down and looked him over with a grin. “You know, you look pretty hot all wet like that.”

Johnny’s eye twitched at another one of Jimmy’s dumb jokes. Nevermind, he was going to rip out his spleen through the smallest hole possible by the end of the day.

#i dreamed/daydreamed this up #jthm #Johnny The Homicidal Maniac #i once was given drops for what the doctor thought was pinkeye #it burned half of my eye so bad #turns out something is blocking my tear duct #it hasn't gotten infected in years now though

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

sorry if this is a random question but I think I need some advice (ramblings ahead)

I've been thinking hard about trying to go to college this year, mainly for social interaction since I'm very deprived of that. but at the same time, I'm pre-t, have no idea when I'll be able to start t and pass about 5% of the time.

I'd rather have my arms and legs cut off than girlmode, and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to lie about having some chromosome disorder or being intersex. I don't care about passing as the manliest macho man ever I just prefer not to have people think I'm just a "tr*nny", a lesbian or a delusional chick or whatever. my country is also not... the biggest fan of trans people (we have the leading numbers in lgbt people murdered, hooray!!) so safety is also a concern.

did you have a similar experience of trying to be stealth pre t, and how was it? is lying a bit about yourself/your past okay if it is for your safety? I really want to go to college because social isolation is killing me, but at the same time I hate the thought of interacting with other people because so many of them will just think of me as a girl pretending to be a guy and i've had shitty experiences with people from school/work knowing I was trans in the past. but being a social recluse probably doesn't help, does it.

(sorry for this being so long and rambly and thank you in advance for taking time to read this)

Oof. That sounds very stressful. I definitely understand the worry. I'm going to try and make sure I tackle everything but feel free to follow up if I miss anything.

College is a great place for social interaction. Classes give you something talk about and let you see people regularly. It also gives you something to focus on besides just talking to people. But it's also not the only place. I don't know if you have them, but there are clubs and meetups for adults that might also be helpful. I'm in a hiking group for example.

Many community centers and libraries will have activities and classes you can take for free or cheap. Nice thing about these is they are short term. I always found myself worried a lot less about passing if I'm not going to see the people around me again. A club would be long term, but you'd see the people less which might be helpful for stress/safety/anxiety. All of them have low commitments too so you can quit or leave easily.

I have a post here that has times lower on for passing when you are pre everything. It's not perfect, but it might be useful for you. I swore I had another but I can't find it.

I'd be careful lying about being intersex. The last thing you want is to be caught up in it and run into issues. If safety is an issue, as unfortunately and terrible as it is, your best bet would be to stay in the closet. I know how much it sucks, trust me I do. But it's safer to let people think you're a women than trans when push comes to shove. I did that a few times before I really started passing. You do what you have to.

That said, lying is always ok for your safety. You need to be careful with it. But it's better to lie then to die.

If possible, it's always good to find a college that's more accepting. People there will be more likely to see you as you are. Not sure if going abroad or anything is possible. But definitely don't throw out your options right away. Research and see what you can actually do and what you're willing to do. Cuz I totally get not wanting to go far from home.

Are there any LGBT centers or communities around you?? Those are a great place to go and actually feel like yourself. If it's not safe to do that, then definitely prioritize what's best for you.

The hardest part is just putting yourself out there and going for it. It's ok to fail. There's always other chances and other people to befriend. It's scary and there will always be that worry. But putting it off just makes things harder in the long run. Sometimes you really do just have to try and hope it goes ok. I really do think a library or community club would help better though. It's less commitment and often cheaper. You'll also meet more varied age ranges. I find groups with lots of different ages are often more accepting because of all the different experiences and people being more willing to sit and explain/listen to things.

Good luck 🤞🤞🤞

#answered #ask #not discourse

[isaacathom]

my thing is that im now just imagining the multiverse of florians based on three flex points in his life, and its like. what am i meant to do with this (ramble, clearly)

so there's three things that make Florian de Kasimir who he is, at a base level, at the start of the campaign. These are: The Incident in his youth, his father's debts, and his decision to join the Temerian army. so, what happens when you take the diverging paths at each point?

the most interesting alternate florian, to me, is one unburdened by the incident or the debts, but who still joins the army. This is a Florian who has no reason to especially dislike his family, who has been raised and loved as best his parents are able, who continued his education but did not excel, who was not prevented from entering the high life of nobility. This is a Florian who, given he's 34 at the campaigns start, almost certainly is married, and who more than likely has a child, if not children. This is a Florian with serious, genuine ties to his home and his family. A Florian who could never have been in the campaign as written, because the moment he found out about the war he would have returned home. Instantaneous. Hell, canon Florian only joined the campaign's quest because he wanted money - with the debt not a factor, there's no reason that the NNY Florian would have any reason to do so.

The tragedy of NNY Florian to me is that he was certainly in the Temerian army during the third northern war, and given that Florian's from Temeria's south... well... The likelihood that he survived the crushing defeats Temeria suffered under Nilfgaard in those opening weeks is low. This is a Florian probably as happy as he could be, multiversally. A Florian who has seen suffering, but has plenty of joy to propel him forward, rather than spite. And he would predecease YYY Florian.

So, i guess run down:

YYY Florian - Canonical. Had the incident, had the debts, joined the army. No loyalty to his home beyond the abstract, joined the party on the promise of an extravagant payday, decided not to return to Temeria when he found out about the war bc he knew that would get him killed immediately.

YYN Florian - incident, debts, not in the army. I have no fucking idea who this cunt is. Given Florian's upbringing, the diversion required for this one to not join the army is significant. Depressingly, I assume this Florian was one who suffered a serious injury before he could enlist, and is therefore... not doing... great... this is i think the closest we can get to a 'Bad Timeline' Florian, emotionally.

YNY Florian - incident, no debt, army. The lack of debts is not quite so significant (since canonically they've become irrelevant), but it would change his post-2nd war life a decent bit. Possibly he even completely quits the place, as canon florian would consider the existence of those debts the main thing shackling him to his family. So, sans debts, Florian might just peace fully the fuck out. Fuck off up north, even, completely dissociate from all the shit. Just invent himself a new life now that he doesn't feel like he has to save any of his money for dealing with debts that will, hereditarily, become his responsibility.

YNN Florian - incident, no debt, no army. ???? who is this man. whats he doing. all the non-army florians confuse me because his physical ability and prowess is like. his thing. its what he has going for him. for the sake of distinguishing YNN from YYN, we'll say that while he also suffered an injury which prevents him from being a soldier, the fact his family aren't skint broke means there's the option to find him SOMETHING to do despite that? some nigh-do nothing job working for some other noble. an irrelevant man, by all accounts, just quietly hobbling around a duke's estate carrying out menial tasks. When that duke or whatever inevitably gets steamrolled by Nilfgaard, Florian probably just keeps working because ? what's he gonna do. can my boy cook? we must ask these questins

NYY Florian - No incident, yes debt, yes army. Now the key different here is that this Florian is decently educated and *not an bastard*. He's nice enough, jovial even if you catch him in a good mood, and he likely volunteered for the army with the intent of earning money to pay off the debts as the primary motive. The debts reduce the marriage prospects, so he's not married, but DOES care about his family (more than YYY, anyway). This connection prevents him from fucking off up north when the 2nd war ends, but he likely still ends up doing mercenary work to cover for ~things~. Likely still in Temeria when the war breaks out though.

NYN Florian - no incident, yes debt, no army. Now, because the N-- series Florian's aren't bitter jaded assholes as a general rule, and were continuously educated into their teens, this means that the N-N ones have options of finding alternate employ. Instead of volunteering for the army as NYY, this Florian may find himself in a similar employ to YNN, just in a more 'this is a way of paying of the debt' way. indentured servitude-y vibes? this may actually go better for florian in the long run because that situation probably bothers the fuck out of him, so when nilfgaard storms in hes like 'hey nilfgaards whats up. we can be chill' because the loyalty isn't quiiiite there.

NNY Florian - no incident, no debt, yes army. the lovingly married man from earlier. Joined the army to defend his family, is still in the army now, and the nilfgaardian invasion has not gone well for him, i can tell you that.

NNN Florian - no incident, no debt, no army. who the fuck is this man. who are you. are you real? is this even still a florian de kasimir at this stage. is this a misnomer. i genuinely have no idea. best outcome for this guy is he's just like NNY except the angle he takes of 'defend his family' is more... political? and that, in the absence of any combat prowess (some injury in his teenage years, we'll say), when presented with the nilfgaardian army, he's like 'hey. how about you don't kill me or my family and we just chill?'. nilfgaardian collaborator. not sure he's happy, per se, and the fact some of his cousins are in the army doesn't help that, but like. sure. alternatively instead of collaborating he flees with them up north? both are options. the nilfgaard collaborator one's the funniest in the overall context of Florian as a canon character because he *hates* nilfgaard. so the idea that 2-3 versions of him are either nominally onside or fully onside is funny.

vibes!

#oc stuff #florian de kasimir #there's no like. anything here. this is nothing. this is a whole load of nonsense #but! crucially! im having fun #id like to try and draw some of the alt florians but that'd be a nightmare because they're still underlyingly the same guy #like they basically look the same. some of the N-- ones would look. nicer? either friendlier or better dressed depending #the most distinct are still YYY and NNY because they're both soldiers and yet EVERYTHING ELSE is so wildly different #that it makes for a very fun contrast to me. if i was restraining my scope id just draw those 2

[noxs-daydream]

Casually going to be venting / ranting here, will include screenshots

Also, I will not be as active more than likely while I work on cleaning my room and preparing for the move. Initially I was going to talk to my therapist about it but I can't wait for the 22nd to get a second opinion from someone who knows my situation but doesn't have that personal connection to me

For anyone who does decide to read/look, get the popcorn cause you are getting context and screenshots of my in the moment ramblings too And also feel free to put your opinion as if this were an r/AITA or r/WIBTA post! I've always liked those idk why lmao

this is going to be the exact opposite of organized, but I will trY

First, the context:

since 2021-2022 i have babysat my niece when my sister was unable to afford her babysitter, however there started to be long periods where she was unable to pay the money (cheaper than what it is now, which is 10 USD an hour)

march/may of 2022 (don't remember exact month, but i do know it started with an M) i notified her i would be looking to start my GED soon, and months earlier in 2023, i still have not started it as babysitting has moved to full time, 5 days a week with little to no pay to compensate. she claims to have been looking for solutions/alternatives, while- to my knowledge- not having looked into or signed up for any aids/benefits a single mom could have

i have had to message a friend one day, when i made plans for them to come over and spend the next few days with me, and tell them 'so im babysitting my niece'. luckily they adore my niece, so they didn't care about helping me with watching her (note, i've also had plans change last second on days i was supposed to have off via the one watching her being her actual babysitter; i am neurodivergent - ADHD - and hate things changing last second especially when i have plans)

my therapist even agrees that my life is being put on hold so my sister can have a babysitter, and that i shouldn't have to do it. there is no progress so far for being able to say 'no' to babysitting (notice how it's not technical consent, as i have no room to say no without her getting upset?)

months ago, around May/June, i mentioned going down and living with my partner for a month or two in AUGUST, and she started panicking. not only talking bad about how my mom and i react and jump to extremes when i just notified her of the offer my partner ASKING if it would be okay

In general, my life is being put on hold since 17 and maybe even 16 turning 17, years old to accommodate for my sister's financial trouble without a sign I'll be able to further myself.

Let's add onto the fact that I make money where I can via my art, and I pay my own phone bill. That's it. That's the only bill I have to pay. And I can't even do that when I also want to help my mom out with the bills of where we live.

My last proper stretch of time off had been when my father died. Just 2 weeks of time off. Then back to the weekend being my only day off (except for today because I had to babysit today too ontop of watching her on my sister's day off to clean the house my dad lived in and the trailer i live in because of some spiritual culture stuff)

I'm also gonna point out that she had said 'tr@nny' and did not apologize, just stared at me, when I said 'that is a slur' - i'm trans and she has been transphobic to me before (i doubt her views have changed just because she is getting involved in her culture)

She's also the one who kept acknowledging what happened with the spiritual stuff, after tearing into me a lil bit about "after this is over don't talk about it, don't acknowledge it, etc" and now because of her acknowledging it and asking me about it bcuz IG IT DIDNT STOP, I think IM starting to feel whatever the fucker's effect on people is

Now the screenshots (names will be blurred):

#thunder speaks #thunder screams #vent #rant #am i the asshole #would i be the asshole #aita

[queerism1969]

What stereotypes should I avoid when writing a trans woman? What should I take into account when writing them?

Obviously, don't make her entire existence or personality based around her gender, but be sure to actually represent it instead of pulling a J K Rowling and claiming she's trans without ever actually representing it.

Most trans people won't talk about being trans unless it's to discuss issues we face or if the subject is brought up. It's no different from writing a cisgender woman 😊

AVOID DEADNAMING HER. I see authors doing this quite a lot. Unless it's relevant to the plot in some way or the character was closeted/hadn't transitioned yet. TBH, the readers don't need to know that Kylie used to be a Kyle.

Avoid harmful tropes and stereotypes. There are SO many stories where the only queer characters end up dead or some other form of suffering. We rarely see queer and trans characters getting happy endings, so it would be really nice to see.

Research and understand methods of transitioning

Trans women are often stereotyped as predators, so try to avoid villainizing trans characters while also making sure you're not writing unrealistic characters with only positive traits as well.

Another thing —— I'd really recommend is actually talking to trans women! Hearing trans people and listening to their stories is one of the most informational things you can do in this kind of situation. You could also look at how other people have written trans women in books and television, etc. but be sure to check that the characters are accurately written like POSE, EUPHORIA.

Terms to Know:

Trans: an inclusive term that includes all who are transgender, non-binary, or otherwise gender-nonconforming

Cis/Cisgender: someone who is not trans

AMAB: Assigned male at birth — someone who was marked as male on their original birth certificate

AFAB: Assigned female at birth — someone who was marked as female on their original birth certificate

Gender Binary: the one-or-the-other way that most societies view gender; one is either a girl, or a boy

Non-Binary: Someone who doesn’t identify as either male or female. They can identify as both, neither, fluctuating, or somewhere in between.

To Pass/Passing: Appearing outwardly as the gender one identifies with. This can include clothing, voice, and mannerisms, and it implies that any stranger who comes across them will see them as the gender they identify with without question.

Misgendering: Calling someone by the pronouns (he/she/they/etc) of the gender that they do not identify with. Most often, this is calling them by the pronouns generally used to refer to people of the gender they were assumed to be at birth — AFAB people called “she” and AMAB people called “he”.

Dead Name: Also known as birth name, this is the name one was assigned at birth. Offensive/incorrect terms for it include real name or legal name.

T-Slur: Tr*nny is an extremely offensive term that refers to AMAB trans people. It should not be used, ever, even to make a point, unless it is handled very carefully.

Sorry for the rambling! Hope this helps. Most trans people are very open to questions like these, so if you have any questions, I'm sure someone will be willing to answer them. 😊❤️

#terfs do not touch #lgbtq #lgbtq community #nonbinary lesbian #nonbinary #sapphic #gay girls #lgbt pride #lesbian #lgbtqia #queer #anti terf #terfs fuck off #writerscorner #writersmonth2021 #ao3 writer #writersofindia #writers block #creative writing #writers of tumblr #writerslife #writing #writblr #trans rights #trans #trans man #transisbeautiful #transgirl #transgender #genderfluid

[yeehawfolk]

you cant in the same breath argue for the right for oppressed demographics to create language to describe their oppression and act like tme/tma (language created to describe transmisogyny) is just binarizing identities.

Do we have the right to create that language, or do only you have that right?

TME and TMA don't work for a lot of reasons, but one thing I want to make you aware of is this: Trans men and women's oppression can't be neatly sorted into the boxes of "faces transmisogyny" and "faces no transmisogyny" because people's identities can't neatly be sorted into what kind of oppression they face. Some trans men are GOING to have overlap with transmisogyny directed at trans women, especially if they're more androgynous or present more feminine. Because bigots don't use discretion when harming a group they hate. They won't take into account that maybe that cis woman has a naturally wide jawline, they'll call her a tr*nny and move on. They won't take into account that that feminine trans man ISN'T actually a trans woman trying to pass, they might beat the shit out of him just on virtue of the fact they read him as 'a cis man wearing a dress'. They don't take into account NB indenties at all, in most cases.

It's not the issue of creating language to describe your oppression, its about how instead of allowing folks to discuss issues that intersect with one another, its about how TMA/TME have become a label for the automatic non/validity of intersectional voices (via the thought process that TME individuals cannot weigh in on transgender issues that center around feminity or issues that involve trans women because they don't experience transmisogyny. Which there's so much wrong with that line of thinking I don't know where to begin.)

Bigots don't discriminate between identities. They pass a judgement on someone at a glance, and they will oppress them accordingly, regardless of whether they are right or not.

TMA/TME boils down a lot of the way different identities interact with one another and how bigots actually view us to a very 2 dimensional discussion and ignores an entire grey area of completely valid voices that are actually affected my transmisogyny, but have been labeled TME because TMA/TME only really work under the assumption that trans fems are the only ones who are TMA, which once again isn't true.

This might be a bit rambling and not make much sense bc I'm still recovering a bit from the Covids and my brain is scrampled egg. But I've read a lot about it from trans fem folks, and I've seen quite a few of them have the same views as I do. I am in no way policing someone's use of it. I'll try to dig up some posts about it I've seen around, anon, when I'm a little less tired. I've been sleeping a lot since I got Covid and being sleepy makes my mind a lot slower.

#cas talks #transgender #transmisogyny #transandrophobia #intersectionality

[mizzztery]

Do you mind if you can do Johnny/Nny for the ask?

Curious on people's opinions on him.

OOOOH fun!!! I don't mind at all

Johnny/Nny:

Sexuality Headcanon: Asexual. Nny is a lot like Zim in his hatred of humanity. However Nny is definitely more unhinged. He connected romantically with Devi but before they made any physical contact he went off the deep end. It could be completely unrelated to why he snapped but he always seemed repulsed by sexual acts.

Gender Headcanon: A guy! A crazzzzy guy!

A ship for this character: Even though he screwed up ROYALLY... DEVI! When he literally went through heaven and hell and came back to life she was the first person he called. He KNOWS he screwed up and admitted he still cared for and respected her. I think MAYBE if enough passes and JTHM comes back in some way... That it could work PLUS Nny knows Devi can beat his ass he wouldn't try that shit again.

BROTP: I want to say Squee! But honestly that seemed more deranged adoptive father with good intentions and scared son lmao. I loved their relationship though! Wish Squee ended with Johnny busting him out! However this is just me rambling now. The real Bro is Edgar, Edgar wasn't afraid and Nny didn't even like killing him. They had a cool talk before... Yeah lmaooo.

NOTP: The rapist copycat guy I forgot his name.

A Random Headcanon: Nny came back from the afterlife lost so I like to think that maybe he started over somewhere else. This dude NEEDS to quiet the voices in his head and maybe this is my own self projection but I think he would wonder into an arcade and get hooked on a videogame for hours. (THIS IS THE 90S BTW) He doesn't stop playing for hours and only stops when he doesn't have any more quarters.

The relevance to this is during those hours of gameplay he felt calm and relaxed and happy. He didn't think about the atrocities hes committed or the things that he hates. He got rid of all the cringe in his life for those few hours. So THAT'S THE INSANELY LONG REASON FOR MY HC that Johnny becomes a gamer lmao.

General Opinion Of This Character: Nny started it all... He was the blueprints for my favorite alien. How could I not love him? Was he crazy? Yes but we all are in one way or another. We all FEEL like stabbing people once in a while we just know not to act on it. Nny was fun because you can live revenge fantasies through him, but at the same time find humor in the weird things that he ranted on and on about.

#JTHM #johnny the homicidal maniac #Nny #johnny c #Devi #Edgar #Squee #Ask Game #JTHM Headcanons #devi d #devnny #Nny x Devi #character analysis

[thedeadflag]

I’m so confused! I know it’s not your responsibility to educate me but in your post bringing awareness to the negative aspects of g!p fanfic you say

“Why do these g!p characters rarely if ever involve experiences reflective of trans/intersex women? Why are they so utterly cis and perisex-washed? Why do nearly all writers have zero idea that tucking is a thing? “

Doesn’t that answer your original question? The reason they don’t reflect those groups of ppl is bc g!p isn’t trying to represent those groups of people or else it WOULD be transphobic to limit them to one specific fetish right? it just refers to a canonically female character with the addition of a penis (I don’t argue the name “g!p” should be changed bc that’s a no brainer why that could be offensive). But the fanfic in general, how could it be harmful? I’ve noticed in my time reading it as a non binary person it’s given me great gender euphoria reading a reader insert where reader has a penis while being a femme representing person just bc that’s a reflection of my personal experience. I don’t see anywhere where g!p fanfic ever references or tries to emulate the experiences of trans or intersex people so how could it be offensive?

Sorry this is way too long I’m just very confused

I'm going to try and lay this out as politely as I can. It's after 3:30 in the morning here, so this could be a bit disjointed and rambling. More under the cut:

In real life, ~99.999999% of women with penises are trans women. Which puts us in a tricky situation of (A) being the only women with penises around for media involving women with penises to reflect back on, and (B) being in the lovely position of precious few people actually having had meaningful real life exposure to trans women, meaning (C.) all those stigmas and all that misinformation are going to purely affect us and it’s going to be uncritically gobbled up by the masses, since they don’t have any meaningful information to fill in the blanks with instead.

When we peer into the depths of femslash fandoms and see all these folks who aren't trans women writing about women with penises, and using cis women’s bodies as platforms for these penises, it’s the simplest thing.

I mean, some of those folks might actually be struggling and confused about why they’re into it, what the real appeal is, why they get off on it, why they might have some feelings about wanting a penis of their own…

…but from our vantage point, it’s really easy to gauge 99.99% of the time. We can generally see valid, legitimate yearning to have a penis pretty damn easily in a piece of art/writing, and we can also see when people who create this media are just hung up on a boatload of baggage and fetishization.

And 99.9% of the time, the creators are just hung up on a boatload of baggage and fetishization, and see trans women’s bodies as a perfect vehicle to tap into that, generally due to deeply held cissexist views that link us and our bodies and genitals directly to cis men, to maleness. As if penises are rooted in maleness and masculinity (which is absolutely not true).

And I have sympathy for NB folks (certainly TME ones who have reached out to me in the past about this) who might be struggling with that, but just because they’re non-binary, it doesn’t mean they get to appropriate our bodies and reproduce transmisogyny and trans fetishization in their attempts at feeling better. Shit doesn't work like that.

Because again, the only women with penises in this world, essentially, are trans women. Meaning any woman with a penis in media is a trans woman, implicitly or explicitly. Meaning that when people who aren’t us want to write us, intent doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if it’s just the writer’s fantasy, it’s still going to attach a variety of messages directly onto us.

And more often than not, due to cissexism, those messages are linking us to maleness, to toxic masculinity, etc..

While I do want to believe they're a fairly small minority, a lot of NB folks in fandom spaces like g!p characters in part because they see penises as male and the rest of the body as female and think that duality is interesting and would be comfortable, and is a nice balance of “both worlds” or a nice position “between male and female”, but that’s a wholly cissexist, transmisogynistic view to have, and it’s one that absolutely cannot be supported without directing sexual violence against trans women and invalidating our entire existence. Certainly not all NB folks into g!p like it for that reason, but holy shit a fair bit of them do and it’s weird and wrong and fetishistic.

g!p emerged from the idea that women can't have penises, and drew on the transmisogyny and cissexism of tr*nny porn to structure that frame of desire and the core patterns and trends within these works. It's always been trans women's bodies being used as a vehicle, whether or not the writers of these fics are explicitly aware of it, because the trope itself still holds true to its original patterns and cissexism. It's not the name that's the problem, it's the content; changing the name would be a surface level change that wouldn't affect anything.

g!p objectifies women with penises (trans women). A woman with a penis is more than just a woman with a penis, but the use of the term and trope is literally to (A) remind people that women don't have penises, otherwise the g!p term wouldn't be needed if people actually accepted women with penises as women, and that (B) this is a story centered on a scenario where there's a woman with a penis, with key focus on that genitalia specifically. it's the drawing point, it's the lure, it's what everything is centered on. It is a means for folks to write lesbian sex while also writing about penis in vagina and getting off to it. It's also no surprise that the penises so clearly emulate cis men's penises in these works, that is by design.

As I’ve said many times before, if you’re only writing trans women’s bodies to showcase cis men’s penises, you’re not respecting the womanhood of trans women, and this ultimately has nothing inherent to do with penis-owning women, it has to do with (cis) men and their penises, because trans women are just being used as a vehicle to emulate them. When NB folks do the same thing, and imagining themselves as those g!p characters, they are ultimately embodying cis men, their maleness, and often toxic masculinity, in a way that feels safe and distanced enough for them, a shell that they often code as cisnormative due to their own unprocessed cissexism.

And trans women don’t deserve that.

You seem caught in the idea that if something doesn't directly perfectly reflect trans women, that it can't be linked to us., which ignores the long long history of media being used to misrepresent marginalized peoples and cast us in insulting, dehumanizing lights. You show a lack of understanding of the g!p trope and the long history of its usage across a few other names, even if the content and patterns remained the same. It shows a lack of understanding of tr*nny porn and transmisogynistic stigmas, which the trope draws heavily from.

I think we can all recognize that most 'lesbian' prn that's made does not represent actual lesbians, it's overwhelmingly catered to the male gaze. We can also recognize that this category of porn has led to a lot of harassment towards lesbians from cis men who at the very least want to believe lesbians are just like they are in the porn he watches, that lesbians just need the right man. Lesbians are being used as a vehicle for a fantasy that was created externally to them, and doesn't represent their realities.

It's the same kind of situation here. The way g!p fics play out overwhelmingly doesn't reflect trans women's realities, but they are inherently linked to us regardless, as we're the vehicles for those fantasies, as unrealistic and harmful as they may be.

g!p characters are built in our fetishized image that’s based on a deeply cissexist misunderstanding of us, of the gender binary, and of bodies in general.

I mean, when 99% of cis folks don’t understand how trans women tend to be sexually intimate… when they don’t understand what dysphoria is and how it works and how it can affect us physically and emotionally…when they don’t understand almost any of our lived experiences…then they’re not going to be able to accurately portray us even if they wanted to.

And I’ve read enough g!p fics where authors wrote those as a means of trying to add trans rep, but because they didn’t understand us at all, it wasn’t remotely representative, and it was ultimately fetishistic, even if there was an undercurrent of sympathy and a lack of following certain common g!p patterns there that differentiated it from the norm.

If g!p fics were at all about reducing dysphoria or finding euphoria, then it wouldn’t be explicitly tied up in the performance of very specific sex acts, very specific forms of misogyny and toxic masculinity, very specific forms of sexual violence and exertion of sexual power, etc.

But it is.

So the notion that creating g!p fics helps NB folks? Nope. It CAN certainly prevent/delay those folks from facing a whole boatload of shit they’ve internalized, and coddle them at the expense of trans women.

Because if it was really about bodies and dysphoria/euphoria, there would be a considerable push (allying with out own) to end our fetishization and to represent us in and out of sexual contexts with accuracy, respect, and care. Because they wouldn’t care what sex acts were performed and what smut beats were hit, they’d just want to see someone with a body like their ideal being loved, being sexual, connecting, being authentic, etc. Which very much is not the case in the overwhelming majority of g!p fics. That's what we want, and it's not what g!p writers want, it's nothing they give a shit about.

Like, a ways back I started doing random pulls of g!p fics from various fandoms and assessing them for certain elements to provide some quantitative clarity. I started on The 100 here, and did OuaT here. Never finished the 100 one since the results leveled out and stayed pretty consistent as the sample size grew, so I didn't really see the point in continuing any further after about 140 fics when the data wasn't really changing much at all.

Lastly, media influences people. I've read countless posts and comments from people who use fanfiction as a sex ed guide, in essence. Which is ridiculous, but I also know sex ed curricula often isn't very accurate or extensive in a lot of areas, so people take what they can get. Representation in media can be powerful, and when it overwhelmingly misrepresents people, that's also powerful. Just because fandom is a bit smaller than televised media, it doesn't make that impact any lesser, certainly not for those whose primary media intake is within fandom.

Virtually all trans representation in f/f fanfiction is misrepresentative of us. That has a cost in how people understand us, how people react to us, and how people treat us. Not just online, but in physical spaces, and in intimate settings.

I invite you to read that post you referenced again, or perhaps this longer one which is a response to a trans guy who seemed to feel something similar to you with this trope.

All I can do is lay it out there and try to explain this. It's up to you how you handle this. All I know is whenever there's a big surge in g!p in a fandom, trans women generally leave it en masse, because it's a very clear and consistent message that we're not valued, respected, and that people value getting off on us over finding community with us.

#g!p #creative responsibility #trans fetishization #trans representation #intersex fetishization #intersex representation #genitals tw #genital mention tw #intersexism #transmisogyny #fandom meta #long post #cissexism #t slur tw #media representation #media literacy

[joh-nny-c]

Went to go see The Thing for it's 40th anniversary yesterday and it was so fucking good?

So gorey, so fucking cool. The practical effects? Fucking KILLER just disgusting amounts of goop!

#the thing #nny rambles about things

[fandomfriend]

This is my first lyric comic! Just in case, tw for blood, murder, and really unhealthy relationships, I guess?

I’m not sure how well these will load, as this is my first time posting pictures on tumblr, so here’s hoping tumblr doesn’t crunch the quality! If it does, maybe I could try to repost? Idk.

This is a lyric comic using the song “This is love” by Air Traffic Controller. The characters come from the Vargas AU made by @zarla-s, and it is absolutely fantastic! If you want to know more about the AU or the story it is based on, zarla explains it pretty well, so check out their stuff! 

I tend to ramble, so I’m going to put the comic and the rest of my spiel under a read more, for the sake of not making a huge post that’s annoying to scroll past. XD

For the sake of not reposting the chorus multiple times, I put it and the bridge together at the end, but the rest is in order. If anyone is curious about my design choices, feel free to ask. If anyone wants to redraw this better, also feel free! I know it is super messy and amateur-ish, but I was inspired to make this after I saw Zarla’s post mentioning the idea!

This took quite a while to make, and I actually intended to post this yesterday, but I think the day after Christmas is probably close enough. (,^~^)

Small note, I’m sure someone will probably notice similarities between some of my art and ones zarla posted. It’s probably most noticeable with the angel, tbh. But yeah, that was kinda on purpose? I don’t draw much, even though I enjoy it, so I’m not great at things like perspective and proportions. So, I used zarlas art as a reference for poses, trying to get close-ish to the original art without outright tracing. Then once I got more comfortable drawing the characters, I branched out more, like with the dancing scene. (^w^)

Any text in light grey/white is Edgar singing, dark grey is Scri, red is Nny, black is Nny and Scriabin, and for one scene the orange to red gradient is the waste-lock parasite speaking. I hope I did alright and kept it all mostly in character!

(Also, may I suggest “Mr. Fear” by siames as being sung to Edgar by Scriabin? It just feels like it fits.) 

(I own nothing but my own drawings, the Vargas AU and fic are Zarlas, and the original story is from “Johnny the Homicidal Maniac” by  Jhonen Vasquez.)

#my art #I'm not sure whether I should post warnings #but i'll probably err on the side of caution #tw: violence #tw: murder #this is such a great story though #Props to zarla for keeping it going #I actually binge read the entire fic while making this comic and I love the most recent chapters! #highly reccomend #Vargas #Scriabin #Edgar #Nny #Jake and mind monster get cameos #geez I finished the comic last night and I already hate how I drew some of these panels

[brandstifter-sys]

Virgil and Remus doing matching halloween costumes each year! Be they meant to be romantic ones or not. (Pirate and merman, prince and knight, butcher and cow, etc.) I could also see them getting a laugh out of trying on some of the "sexy x" costumes. (though depending on which one they might just 😍 instead ashdfks)

I have a lot of feelings about Halloween and costumes so be prepared for some rambling.

I can totally see them going as the Adamses one year, like Virgil is Morticia and Remus is Gomez because that's what everyone expects and they stay in character, and then the next year they switch and the others are completely stunned when they stay in character again. It works for Virge because it scares the others to see him going full on Gomez and he lives for the scares

Also consider sexy lion tamer Virgil (we're talking Britney bitch, he got bribed) and sexy lion Remus (he makes sure his costume looks like Scar or Kovu so he can ruin Roman's night)

Or the couple from Avenged Sevenfold's a Little Piece of Heaven video (look up with extreme caution)

Or (pre-dating/just friends) Nny and Devi from JTHM and I Feel Sick (again look up at your own risk)

Or Beast Boy and Raven they get Janus to dress up as Terra if this is an anxceitmus scenario, platonic or otherwise and Remus spends the entire night freaking out because Virge has legs!! Why is he the one covered up!!?!?

Sexy nurse and doctor? Well Remus owns that look and Virgil goes as a plague doctor. They still make it work

Remus dresses as Roman and Virge dresses as Janus. Spot on impressions. Lots of making out. Pure chaos. Who's more humiliated? Roman the blushy prince getting mocked? Janus who may or may not want that kind of thing? Virgil who has opinions about Jay? Or Remus, who cannot stand being like Roman? It's Patton, who doesn't know who's who and keeps mixing everyone up.

They dress aa each other, purple duke Virgil and Green emo Remus

Shrek and Sonic (the real otp /j)

Waluigi and Luigi (they aren't related so it works)

Adam and Steve (minecraft steve)

Tol stronk Virge suggests werewolves, Remus says he's already a wolf and needs a costume.

If they want to go traditionally scary, they have a lot of liquid latex, make up, and fake blood

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #remus sanders #dukexiety #implied roceit #anxceitmus mention #freagra #gan ainm #voice to text better not fuck up now

[fstive]

Pathetic. With a k!

Sakusa x Depressed!nb!reader

Warnings ⚠️ Transphobia, Su!!cide , Drug use ( weed)

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Arms, legs, gut, face.

You slowly walked to the edge of the rooftop but you froze when Someone walked to the rooftop. You looked back at the shadow of the person, it was sakusa kiyoomi

your childhood crush. you only stare at him, he stares back at you in dissatisfaction. " Really.. " " I'm sor- " " Shut up. " huh.. you thought, You spaced out as sakusa rambled about you doing this almost every night.

all of the things you will NEVER see again.

"YOU'RE A GIRL! " kaiya yelled " YOU AREN'T NONBINARY GIRL. " hu yelled " stop... please " Kaiya grabbed your wrist and you yelped " OWH!" You started to tear up " so the tr*nny Is depressed? Barcode bitch. " You honestly didnt care at this point.

arms , legs, gut, face

You walked to your dorm as you unlocked it , Walking in you locked your door ,, turned on you led lights and opened the window. you grabbed your can of weed and Grabbed the sheet, you Put the stuff you needed in there. there was a cup of water on your desk when sakusa came to visit you. You grabbed your lighter and put the blunt up to your lips, you lit the lighter, Pushing your hair out of the way. You sat on your bed as you smoked the pain away, you heard a knock on your door . you sat up and walked to the door, not caring about putting the blunt In the ashtray, Suna rintaro, Your best friend. you thought he was. he walked into your dorm and grabbed the blunt from you, Putting it to his lips. Sakusa saw suna walk into your dorm, he walked to you dorm Knocking on your door, He had a spare key to it, so he knew he didnt have to knock. he put his mask on turning the knob and walking in, " Y/n. We fucking TALKED ABOUT THIS. " " I honestly couldn't care less.. " you spat back at him, he walked over to you and slapped you "wha . " Suna whispered to himself , running out of your dorm. sakusa knew he had heavy hands, that's why he hit you. you just stared at your feet and the chain wrapped to your collar

All of the things you love that I hate

You just stared at the floor. in anger? You dont know, You ran out of your door past sakusa, he ran after you to the rooftop, you just stared. Stared really. you looked back at sakusa " Arms, legs , gut , Face, all of the things you live that I HATE. arms, legs, gut , face, All of the things you will never see again. " As you ran to the edge and jumped sakusa stared in disbelief " Y/n.. wait.. Y/N! " sakusa ran to the edge and looked over the short railings. You were really gone. " Y/n. please. " He ran all the was to the bottom and called the police, he wanted to save you. He stayed there , in the hospital. until you died. You were Actually gone. he didnt know what to do. he wanted to die. To be with you. and that's what he did.

" I miss you y/n " his last words

;;;;;:::::;;;;;::::::::::;;;;;;;;;;:::::::::::::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;:::::::::::::::::::::::::

HI. UH. THIS IS ALL !!

#sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa angst #angst #haikyuu!! #suna rintarou #Spotify

[chrispaulcolfer]

Hello, I note with interest that you chose the Tested argument as your favorite Klaine scene, as did some others.

Kurt was assaulted in last episode, no doubt still traumatised from that. But he was unhappy long before that, look at the End of the Twerk episode; and 100: he didn’t seem to be fully engaging with Blaine then either. The relationship has issues. We don’t get to see the happy period when Blaine first moved to NY and the episode NNY. Then we get NNY when Kurt is fed up with Blaine always being there and trying to change things to make himself more comfortable. Plus he can feel Kurt is distant and pulling away, lack of privacy, and his own insecurities. So they agree he should move out, which is a shame, and not really a good omen. We see that tBlaine is spending a lot of time alone, using food to comfort him.

Thanks to the writing, as much as anything, the whole Ny arc is spent with Kurt being more concerned about Rachel and more worried about validation from her than Blaine. In every episode he’s propping her up, wanting her at his show; in Bash, the conversation when he returns home about feelings is with her, not Blaine; we never see them talk about it, yet Blaine has been through the same trauma. He stays in the loft with her, rather than get somewhere more private with his own fiancé.

Blaine has his own issues, like feeling he can no longer protect Kurt, and that Kurt doesn’t live him or want me anymore. These are all reactions that people can have in relationships, and Blaine is therefore not being a little shit. Then we gave the June fiasco, where Blaine gets chosen ahead of Kurt, and the old Tony argument comes round again. And Blaine is pretty dumb for lying.

It’s all a bit negative for Klaine. Ok, Kurt dies his I’ll always love you and choose to trust you speech - why has he decided this only now? Pompeii seems a bit depressing to end the season with. Great Blaine us back in love, getting cuddles, and then Rachek is going, so privacy.

I guess I’m rambling, but I just get the feeling through the NY arc that they’re happy, and feel that there’s going to be a break up. And Kurt’s as much to blame as Blaine, but you seem to place a lot of blame with Blaine, when he isn’t getting what he needs from Kurt, and probably hadn’t been since Kurt moved to NY in season 4? If you look back, what happens in Tested is mirrored in the previous break up, but this time Kurt’s there.

I got to be honest, a lot of this was all over the place and I can't decipher what you're getting at with this.

So, zoning in on you stating I put all the blame on Blaine - which I don't. I just do not like it when people zone in on Kurt (because on my dash a lot of people were WTF-ing @ Kurt in the episode of Tested) and obviously will dig deeper because going through trauma myself, there's always a reason and a why behind something. Doesn't make it right, no, but WTF-ing at Kurt in that episode for how he doesn't validate Blaine the whole time? Like Kurt isn't you and you aren't Blaine. Blaine's a big boy too. Blaine can make mistakes and still be an amazing and interesting character. Which, he is!

BOTH of them needed therapy for what they went through. NEITHER of them got it. Kurt deciding at the end of season 5 that he chooses to trust Blaine is a topic they probably haven't discussed because Kurt has issues opening up emotionally, but he tries his hardest with Blaine out of everyone else (maybe Rachel to an extent too as I can think of two instances where that happens n New York - out of all the other times he has to comfort her, but whatever). Blaine's trauma with Bash is not the same as Kurt's trauma. Blaine wanted to be the protector, because someone he loves got hurt and he was helpless to stop it. So he internalizes it, especially seeing Kurt build himself up on his own without Blaine's help. Again, the argument where Blaine keeps stating how he misses that feeling. Which he's allowed to miss and mourn because that's how they met and became best friends from the get go. Blaine feeling important and needed, because Kurt did need him as he was the crumbling star back in season 2.

Kurt has gone through childhood to adulthood being independent. Kurt isn't the type of person to solely rely on another person for the long haul. He lost his mother, he almost lost his father, he lost his step-brother, and he built himself from the ashes with his childhood bullying all the way to being assaulted - Blaine and Burt were there to offer hands but Kurt still pulled himself out and pushed forward because it's what he's used to doing. Because he has something to prove. He is not a person who is used to trusting his emotions alone, as when he does it bites him in the ass. He's self-preserving in that sense (Slytherin). Blaine isn't. Blaine wants to give it all, as much as he can. Some may say it's because his own abandonment issues and needing to be good enough to earn love (thanks Cooper). Some may say it's just who he is. They're not built the same. Just because they're two openly gay guys who are in a relationship doesn't mean they need to compliment each other in every aspect. Kurt's independent. Blaine struggles with that. That isn't me blaming Blaine for having his insecurities. But if you wear your heart on your sleeve and you're in love with someone who is doing their own coping from recent traumatic events that don't require you, obviously you can become self-conscious and second-guess everything about what you're doing. And he does. That isn't me pointing fingers and blaming him.

In season 4, the Break Up, Blaine cheats because he feels alone (he doesn't have any close friends at McKinley. Kurt was his anchor. Kurt's gone. He's floating. He needs to feel grounded. Kurt is pulling away first because Kurt is opening a new chapter. Blaine isn't. Blaine's still stuck in high school, surrounded by people who he only knows through Kurt. Doesn't excuse the cheating, but there's a reason behind why he does it. He wants to feel connected physically since he isn't getting it emotionally/mentally - and that's when he realizes he fucked up). Not so much that they're in a competition race to a finish line. In season 4, Kurt is building his life from the ground up. A whole new chapter. He just got a new job with an incredible team who actually appreciate him and his opinions. In season 5 he pulls away because he needs to better himself physically so he can show those who tore him down they don't control his life (one day, they'll work for him). Blaine feels left behind in both scenarios, but in season 5 he has the opportunity to make friends at NYADA, he has Sam now, he could reach out to Tina, he could reach out to Elliott even! But he doesn't. He's still co-dependent on Kurt (which is fine, I get it - new chapter, lean on the person you know best until you get your feet on the ground. Hence why he suggests he should move out after a few months of living together. That's a good stepping stone for HIM! Independent thinking! Which he then throws back in Kurt's face and just...BOY!). So the only excuse Blaine has to pulling away is that he's not talking about these issues, getting other peoples opinions. Making other friends. He's depending on Kurt 100%, and clearly he shouldn't be doing that. I understand the why - it's comfortable! He knows Kurt! So when Kurt starts focusing on himself and obsessing over his body, Blaine is going to shut down and that turns to overthinking (same), and it spirals from there. Again, not pointing fingers and saying every issue they have is Blaine's doing.

The difference between the Break Up and Tested (besides Kurt being there physically with Blaine), is that Kurt is trying to reconnect after pulling away. He is the one who wants to go out on a date because they haven't gone out on one in a while (which is 100% on Kurt, not Blaine). Which they would've gone out on if Kurt hadn't discovered the porn. They haven't had sex in a week, which is an issue for Kurt, and it's because Blaine was turning to porn because he assumed Kurt is judging him for not having a good of a body as Kurt does - which Kurt denies because Kurt loves Blaine, no matter what he looks like. Because it's Blaine. It's his best friend. Blaine, the person who KNOWS Kurt best (as Kurt has stated himself), who is self-destructing and should KNOW that Kurt isn't judging him. Except he doesn't know. Because he's talked himself into believing Kurt would judge him. He made his big boy decisions, and decides on how to construct them, and when Kurt makes his own decisions that don't involve him, it shouldn't be switched into a "oh my god, i did something wrong, shut down commencing". But instead of cheating (progress), he turns to porn to get off. It's disconnected but at least the porn people won't judge him. There's no "oh shit, I fucked up" moment from Blaine here like in the Break Up either. Even with Kurt there physically. Similar, but more like fun mirrors you find at the circus. And Blaine didn't fuck up with the porn! So again, not blaming Blaine! They BOTH were failing in communicating, but once Kurt extends the olive branch it gets retracted because Kurt struggles with emotional intimacy (season 6 quote I JUST reblogged not that long ago). It's like a Kurt reflex, something goes wrong? Walls up until HE is ready to dissect and discuss. Not the other way around. It's what he's used to - KURT needs to be ready and comfortable to talk before it can happen (I think only Burt is the one who challenges that, like in season 1&2). So it's what he does. And they do have that talk/fight because Kurt is the one to start it again. Blaine gets it all out, FINALLY, and Kurt gives him the tough love and affirmation/validation he has needed. Kurt's face when hugging Blaine says it all! He's realizing HE fucked up by letting Blaine go this long feeling like this. He strives to do better and keep communication open (and then Blaine lies to him later about June and just 🤔 Blaine Devon Anderson, your heart is gold but your brain is still so dumb).

And Kurt stating at the end of the season that he chooses to trust, is a good thing. Sometimes it doesn't become obvious that the decisions you make is a result of the choices you make along the way. Kurt does trust Blaine. Blaine lied to him (even if those intentions were so good, dear Blainers) Kurt took a moment to self-reflect before he came to that realization. It isn't always so obvious. Kurt's what, 20/21? You don't magically turn into a wise adult who understands everything about relationships and the world just because you're now over 18 and are engaged. He didn't have to go to therapy to realize this (which is probably how he keeps talking himself out of going until s6, ffs Hummel). But as we can see from THAT fight (the poor paper bag), Kurt pointedly puts space between him and Blaine and Blaine still has his pouty moments (Blaine, honey, therapy I beg you) but respects it more without collapsing in on himself (WHICH IS PROGRESS! YES! WE LOVE THAT FOR HIM!). Because Kurt needs space (he lives with Rachel Berry for the love of god - he needs it sometimes) and Blaine needs to learn Kurt needing space isn't Kurt replacing/not wanting him anymore. Kurt put the wall up, Kurt has to be the one to take it back down - which he does. In his own time. Blaine respecting it over the Tested episode. So already that's growth. That's development.

All I see during the episodes before the New York arc, is Kurt getting excited about Blaine coming to visit (Moving Out) and then Blaine last minute not coming to visit (Puppet Master) which Kurt gets disappointed and upset over because he WANTS Blaine there (damnit Blaine). End of Twerk he gets cyberlucky with Blaine, so I don't see how that's "not happy". In 100, we don't see much of him at all. It's all in the choir room, and the Rachel/Santana and Rachel/Mercedes diva off is exhausting to him. He's heard and dealt with all of this before. So his focus isn't on Blaine, it's being caught in the middle of petty diva-off's that he just wants to move on from. What's he suppose to happily engaging with Blaine about in McKinley episodes (besides his excitement about Blaine getting into NYADA, and sharing the future of him and Blaine's child ft.Quinn)? "This is the dumpster I got tossed into - you'd have to be there. And remember when we blew each other in this janitors closet? Good times." "Kurt, we're surrounded by minors. They can hear you." "...oops." This is what fanfiction is for. Fill in the blanks of what we DONT see, because clearly when we do see it, there's going to be a mix of emotion from both sides (unless filling in the blanks means turning the other into a villain - then you've lost my interest and I consider you boring to void everything to fit your agenda so you can prop your non-canon ship up instead. Multi-shipping is fine and dandy, kids, don't need the other canon love-interest to be a villain for that).

And let's not pretend that Kurt lifting Rachel up over interacting with his fiancé is not done purposefully from season 3 and onward by the writers to give Lea more screen time as Rachel is the main character (still think they thought Kurt's character could only remain relevant if they kept him tied to Rachel's hip and I will die on that hill and be bitter on that hill even on my deathbed!).

TLTR: Blaine and Kurt need therapy that isnt each other and both of them handle their problems in different ways but that doesn't excuse BOTH of them being dumbasses from time to time (theyre youngins and first loves, they gotta make the mistakes to know and grow - they aren't an actual old married couple who know all the secrets to relationships. They're just dumb dudes who work to better themselves and their relationship as time progresses).

#Blaine Anderson #klaine #Kurt Hummel #long post #answered #I don't know what prompted this anon to ramble - BUT HAVE A RAMBLE BACK ANON!!! making me overheat over here #this is a pro Blaine blog even if Kurt Hummel is my ride and die character

[devnny]

A PRELUDE.

JTRM — THE “R” STANDS FOR RECOVERING!

Here’s the backstory to the AU I’ll keep referencing in art on this blog! I have no idea if I’ll write any more of this, but it’s good to have this as source material... Enjoy my suffering.

A paintbrush rolled slowly between Devi’s thumb and index finger as she contemplated where she wanted to pick up on her current project. The layer of paint near the eyes of her subject was still a little tacky, and despite her want to continue blending in the shadows of its face, she thought she might rip off one of her own pigtails if she had to redo the eyes again. So, she decided on detailing the rough shapes behind the figure’s head.

It was a nice little reprieve to have Tenna come over and watch stupid game shows over dinner, but as always, a little voice in her head demanded that she continue her work as soon as possible – and no, not that little voice. Here eyes drifted toward the doorway that lead from her art room to the living room, where she knew her backpack that contained her little parasite’s “eyes” was sitting somewhere.

“Little fucker.” She mumbled, a touch smug, as she continued painting.

A sudden rapid knocking at her door startled the brush out of Devi’s hand, and she cursed at the unruly smudge it left on her canvas. Her teeth grated.

“TENNA, for SHIT’S SAKE.” She yelled as she stormed to the door. “If this is about that dance club—!”

Devi swung open her front door, but instead of her shorter friend’s gleaming, mischievous expression, she was met with a pair of wide, staring eyes, marred with the bruising of countless sleepless nights. In an instant, any oxygen in her lungs vanished, leaving her in a vacuum of her own breathless horror. Her stunned fear only amplified the longer the man standing on her doorstep stayed unnervingly silent, eyes boring into her own with an overwhelming intensity, anxiety, urgency.

Johnny.

She slammed the door hard, pressing her back and palms flat against it with a dismayed grimace. The rapid knocking started right back up, and Devi’s eyes darted around the room for anything that she could use as a weapon, should her visitor manage to find a way inside.

“DEVI.” Johnny’s voice called from beyond the barrier. “DEVI, DEVI, WAIT!”

The clacking of every lock she had bolted to her door was a strict answer, but she thought she should make it clear.

“NNY, YOU SICK FUCK!!” She braced the door, pausing a moment to keep her voice from shaking. “What the hell happened to LEAVING ME ALONE, HUH? Where’d THAT go!?”

His insistent banging on her door made her stomach even more nauseated.

“I KNOW, but it’s different now!! Something very bad is happening to you Devi, you must listen to me!” He shook the handle. “I only came to warn you!”

Devi hesitated, contemplating which string of curse words would correctly express her feelings at the moment, when a brief wave of clarity hit her. She knew well now of what plagued Johnny nearly a year ago when he made an attempt on her life, as her dear Sickness had kindly informed her of his failed battle with the voice in his head. Devi wondered then, if Sickness knew of Johnny’s “demons”, so to speak, did his know about…

“…Warn me about what, Nny?” She kept her footing as she held the door still, and did her best not to think about if he had the physical strength to thrust a weapon through the meager shield between them. The sudden calmness in her voice confused Johnny, and he pondered if she was loading a gun, or something else, that might give her some peace about his presence.

“Uh.” Throughout his frantic rushing to her apartment, he had failed to practice what exactly he would say that might convince her to believe him on a topic so ludicrous. “Uh, well, I…”

A pause.

“Well you see, um, I used to be plagued by two Doughboys, er, not real Doughboys – well, I mean they were sort of real, eventually – BUT, UH, that’s not totally relevant. But they had my voice! And they tricked me into thinking it was me talking to myself, but it was something else… You see, they were a product of an eldritch horror living in my walls, and they had me do a lot of bad stuff…! Not like Nailbunny, though, sometimes I think he’s still with me—”

As he rambled, Devi’s panic melted into mild annoyance. She only had half an idea of what he was babbling about, but her suspicions that it had something to do with their shared “ailment” was confirmed at least.

Johnny cut off his explanation at the sound of multiple door locks clicking and whirling. The door opened enough for Devi’s irritated green eyes to glare at him. After a second of anxiety at seeing her again, Johnny offered a nervous, quick smile.

“You’re here about Sickness.” Devi spoke pointedly. Johnny blinked in reply.

“Oh, uh, well I suppose yes, you could call it a “sickness”, of sorts.”

“No, not a sickness. Sickness.” Her eyes narrowed. “That’s what mine’s named. Didn’t your voice, and or voices, tell you that, or just that I had her?”

Johnny blinked again, befuddled by her casual tone about being haunted by some other-dimensional creature.

“W-well, uh, WAIT.” He stopped himself before he started another tangent. “Wait, why – HOW do you know so much!? I’m supposed to be the one filling you in on all of this! No one told ME any of this crap!”

Devi waited and watched him a moment. There was something different about him. He looked different, mainly his hair, which was short aside from two oddly shaped chunks of it that stuck off his forehead like antennae, but she thought it was more than that. He looked… lively, if one could say that. He used to look more like a corpse, haunted and tired. He looked awake now. She debated if that change was enough to trust that he wouldn’t try to murder her if she opened the door past the width the chain-lock would allow.

“She told me. I guess she wasn’t strong enough yet to know how to shut up.” She watched his body straighten, watched his hands for any sudden movements.

“SHE… TOLD YOU?” His voice raised in upset. “BUT… I don’t understand that! When I first started hearing the different—”

Johnny’s voice cut when the door closed again, and he felt a new wave of insecurity as Devi opened it up fully.

“Get in here before you wake the neighbors. The psychic fat lady blew up last month, but I don’t need any more write-ups.”

--

A SHORT WHILE PREVIOUS:

“Come on, Johnny. That diner looked really good, didn’t it? And it was so cheap, even you could afford a full meal there.”

“SHUT THE HELL UP.” Johnny screamed at the Bub’s Burger statuette that was currently strapped into the seat beside him. His boney fingers gripped onto the steering wheel harder, as if that might help him concentrate. “The last thing I need is food.”

“Untrue! Humans need food to function, it fuels their body and mind.” The ceramic argued.

“And isn’t that sad.” Johnny furrowed his brows. “Eating just leads to evacuating one’s bowels, and since I hate excrement, and I hate doing that, and I definitely don’t like doing that outside of my home, in a filthy, stinky, public bathroom, I won’t be eating.”

It was silent for awhile after that, and Johnny felt smug that he’d won the argument… with himself, but that was beside the point.

He had been traveling for a few months now, and had decided that he would return home soon. Even with the “conversations” with his new companion, Reverend Meat, he felt very self-aware, self-assured. The future was a confusing thing, but it was his now, supposedly. The only people he’d killed since the Doughboys demise were people he really felt deserved it. Well… there were a couple of scummy guys that maybe could have just used a couple of whacks to the head, and then he did take a tire iron to some rude people at gas stations… never mind. It was a work in progress, no harm no foul, right?

“There’s quite a bit of harm there, Johnny boy.” Meat replied.

“SHUT UP.” Was the answer again. “Stay out of my thinky-thoughts, you repugnant little Doughboy-wannabe.”

“Don’t be angry Johnny, I told you I’m only trying to help you.” The whites of Meat’s eyes slowly began to swallow up his pupils. “You need the essentials Johnny, food and sleep, sure, but you need emotional unburdening. This fruitless running from desire is just that, FRUITLESS! Once you return home, you should call that girl again. Maybe stop in for a visit.”

Johnny’s forehead crinkled in frustration, and he twitched at the passing mention of Devi.

“WHY in the Hell would that be a good idea!?” He straightened against his chair. “You heard what she said to me over the phone! That she—AND IT DOESN’T MATTER, ANYWAY! I’ve severed any feelings I have for ANYONE. I’m a husk, dammit, a HUSK!”

The silence that followed this time was dampening, and Johnny suspected Reverend Meat was going to say something that would upset him. If only he could get a handle on his anger, that would be the end of all these emotional outbursts.

“I suppose I don’t care who you go see, but I think you’d want to see her.” He smiled wider. “She’s sick.”

Johnny’s thin eyebrow pricked up at the comment.

“Sick?”

“Yes, she’s very sick. You got her sick.” Meat’s voice lowered a bit. “She’s been staying in a lot, having problems working, you know. Talking to herself.”

The car suddenly came screeching to a halt, stopping in the middle of the deserted backroad with a shake. Johnny didn’t register that he was the one that had stomped on the brakes.

“ARE YOU… SAYING?” He stared out at the darkness beyond his headlights.

“Yes, she’s grown a new voice in her head, if that’s what you’re asking.” Meat chuffed. “Caught it from you.”

Johnny gripped the steering wheel impossibly harder, ringing the ruined material under his palms in one slow motion. Devi, innocent Devi, who he had promised his nothing to, was in imminent danger because of him. His promises to feign ignorance over her very existence, his promises to cut away his feelings for her, it was all in vain – she was ruined the moment she took his company.

His wide eyes bore into the dash of his car as he tried to take the information in.

He remembered his conversations with Devi, about literature and art. He remembered on their date, what she said about her ability to paint – “immunity or death”, she had said. If she couldn’t create, she would cease to exist. Devi was so confident about that, that there was no possibility she would ever lose that part of her. Johnny gritted his teeth – she was going to, and it was his fault. He brought her to his home, exposed her to the shitty air he breathed, and then scared her so bad that she refused to leave her house. It was the perfect mix to stew one of those horrible creatures inside her mind.

“Damn it.” He shook. “FUCK, DAMN IT ALL.”

Reverend Meat’s smile remained.

“Maybe you can still help her, Johnny. But you don’t want to see her, don’t want to interact with her.” A small laugh. “As far as your plans go, it’s better for you if you ignore what I said, and leave her to her own devices, right?”

If Meat said anything further, Johnny didn’t hear it. There was an insistent ringing in his head, almost like the bzzz of a bug zapper, that now drown out all outside noise, leaving him to his frenzied thoughts.

The stupid little statuette was right – he had said that. It was for his own welfare that he closed off his emotional connections – but who gave a fuck about that when Devi was in active danger of wasting away into a murderous, controlled little cretin, the way he was for years. Arguably still was, even.

It couldn’t be helped. At the very least he had to warn her of what was happening to her, then she might at least stand a fighting chance. He would tell her all the things that he wished someone had shared with him at the fuzzy beginning – to fight the voices, to push forward with his creative endeavors, and refuse to relinquish the reigns of his sanity so complacently. The voices are not her conscience, she must know that!

Tire screeched as he peeled away, intent on hurdling toward his final destination much faster than before.

--

CURRENTLY:

After some finger twiddling, Johnny had taken a seat on Devi’s couch to continue their conversation. He half-expected his host to sit on the opposite side of the sofa, but wasn’t surprised when she remained standing. The aluminum bat that she took up like a walking cane was a bit more unexpected, though.

“So.” Devi tapped the bat on the floor a moment before setting her palm flat on it, leaning her weight into it. “You came to “warn” me, huh?”

Her voice had some distaste it, with her suspicion toward her guest openly seeping out. Johnny swallowed, beady pupils darting around the corners of her living room before returning to her figure with a nod.

“Yes.”

A stretch of silence ran between them as Devi squinted at him questionably.

“Why?” She finally asked. Johnny seemed surprised at that.

“What do you mean why? I told you over the phone that I liked you immensely, so, even though I promised I would no longer bother you, I had to break that vow in order to make sure you didn’t end up a raving, murderous lunatic, like, well, me!” He huffed amidst his earnestness. Devi popped an eyebrow up at that.

“So, it was a thing like Sickness that turned you into a mass murderer, huh?” She stepped closer, which in hindsight seemed stupid as those words left her mouth, but there was no way in Hell she’d stumble back and show him any intimidated fear now. Johnny seemed to slink away as she moved toward him, like a magnet being propelled away from another.

“Well, sort of.” He brought his spindly hands up in a shrug. “I had three.”

Devi’s eyes widened at that.

“—but now I’m unsure what the real cause was. Maybe I was just really afflicted, but there were two that were kind of a duo, the Doughboys, and I think they were attached to what was in my house, and then there was Nailbunny… he was always a standup guy. Really tried to help me. The wall-thing controlled the Doughboys, so after I died-or-whatever, they disappeared.”

“D… died?” She asked.

“Oh, well, maybe-died, I don’t know. It could have been a crazy dream. ANYWAY, that’s not the important thing!” He hunched closer despite his previous apprehension of doing so.

“Devi if you start getting the urge to paint a wall with blood, don’t do it! That’s the wall-thing!! It made me commit such horrible atrocities you know, and it even convinced me I liked doing it! But I DIDN’T, I HATE blood! But I thought I liked what I did at the time!!” His chest heaved.

“Those shitty dough-turds convinced me to do all kinds of nasty shit! Disembowelings, mutilations, eviscerations, beheadings – all to get stupid blood for a stupid wall! But it wasn’t always about that, it got so bad that even when things were good they’d MAKE ME ruin it, just to keep me writhing under their thumbs! Mr. Fuck, the ASSHOLE, was the one that told me to, to… er… “immortalize” that night with you… as it were…” Johnny lowered his head into his shoulders as he finished, moving his attention to the floor between his boots. The mentions of his carnage made her ill, but Devi scowled further at the reference of their failed romance.

“So you’re innocent in all this, eh?” He could tell just from her tone that the implication pissed her off.

“NO, no, I’m not saying that… I shouldn’t have let them convince me, is the thing.” He pressed against the back of her couch urgently, still looking around at anything but her. Devi’s brows furrowed as his attempts at showing passivity.

“No, you shouldn’t have.” She bit out before straightening up. “I didn’t let Sickness win.”

Johnny’s attention snapped back to her immediately, and he stared up at her in shocked awe.

“What!?” He stood, suddenly close to her. “You mean to tell me – that – that you’ve already dealt with it all??”

Devi pressed the head of the bat to his chest, eyeing him firmly as she stepped back. She dropped her would-be weapon to her side again when the distance was to her liking.

“Yes. Sort of.” She looked toward her backpack that was sitting offside the coffee table. “What’s left of her is in there.”

Johnny gaped at the bag her eyes led him to. A feeling of nauseating rage flooded over him as he realized he was duped, again.

“BASTARD!” He yelled suddenly, startling Devi, who crossed her bat over her chest should she need to whack him with it.

“MEAT, you lying sack of crap – HE LIED TO ME!” Johnny’s arms swung around in front of him as he stepped in circles toward the front door. “YOU JUST WANTED ME TO COME HERE, TO SEE HER. ALL LIES, DECIETE, DECIETE!! ALL A PLOY TO—!”

As he turned back toward Devi, he was stopped by the sudden cold touch of metal under his chin. Devi pressed the bat closer to him, forcing his head back slightly as he froze in place.

“Nny,” She spoke sharply. “who are you talking to right now?”

Johnny gulped, unaccustomed to being the fearful one in situations.

“Um… Reverend Meat.” He spoke cautiously, hoping to placate her. “He’s my newest… voice.”

“A fourth voice?” She asked aggressively. Johnny sweated in reply.

“Yes???” He hoped honesty was the best policy here. Devi grunted a surprised scoff, retracting her weapon away from him with wide, disgusted eyes.

“Nny, how the fuck did you let it get this bad?” She stared at him while he rubbed his jaw. He cast his eyes downward again.

“I don’t know.” His voice grew quiet. “Ugh, I don’t know – I shouldn’t have come here Devi. I’m sorry.”

Johnny’s head swiveled back and forth uncertainly as he spoke, before he turned and hurried to the door.

“Wait.” Her voice stopped him in his tracks, and he hesitantly turned back to look at her.

“Are you just going to get worse again? Are you going to keep fucking killing people, Nny?” Devi stared at him, and he felt like he was under a microscope.

“I’m trying my best not to. Meat’s annoying, but the only thing he’s tricked me into doing so far is visiting you.” Johnny turned to face her again.

“Why would the parasite want that? He wants you to kill me for real this time?”

Johnny stayed quiet at that, knowing the answer was more disgusting than murder in Devi’s eyes.

“No. Meat doesn’t want me to kill, not yet anyway. He wants me to… live. Consume. Consume to excess. And he knows that as far as my… “feelings” go, the only person I’d want in excess is,” He hesitated. “you.”

Devi’s nostril curled at the implication.

“He wants to use me as your distraction this time, huh? That I’ll be the one to preoccupy your mind while he eats away at what’s left of your creativity?”

“I guess.”

“The fuck he will.” She growled as she walked toward him, and Johnny braced himself a moment, preparing to dart in any direction should she move to bludgeon him. Instead her hand settled on her door, pressing it firmly shut before locking the main deadbolt.

“I’ve mangled one parasite, I have no problem mangling another.” Her eyes met his again, and his knees wobbled at the intensity. “I’m tired of these things fucking with me. Sit your ass down, we’re going to talk more.”

Johnny could only hurriedly do as she said. 

--

NEXT.

#jthm #in short: devi's fcuking pissed #johnny c #devi d #mine #devnny #jtrm #chapter