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enemy-to-the-state · a day ago
Things I’m Starting to Question About Myself:
- I’m obsessive about time, being on time, all the time. When I was in the fifth grade, my mother was a teacher who’s classroom was right across the hall from my teacher’s classroom, meaning it was impossible for me to ever be late. However, without fail, every morning, I would stand at my mom’s classroom door, with my backpack on my shoulders, 20 minutes ahead of the bell, watching the clock. I needed to be On Time, no earlier, no later.
At first, my mother thought this was cute, but when it was a repeated action, she commented on how odd and weird it was, “You’re going to be on time no matter what, Ash; you don’t need to stand at the door.” I tried to listen, tried to Not wait at the door, but it made me feel so uncomfortable and wrong that I would run to the door with my backpack anyways, vibrating and intensely looking at the clock.
When I start getting closer to the time I need to leave to go somewhere, I get increasingly agitated. My dad meanders slowly. “Dad, please, it’s time to go.” I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet by the front door. He frowns, “C’mon, Ash, you’re gonna be on time, there’s no need for that kind of passive aggressive behavior.” Except, I wasn’t trying to be rude or passive aggressive, I’m just so nervous. I need to be on time.
I caught pink eye once, since I hadn’t known to address how unwell I was feeling beforehand, my father only found out that morning. I made my sister late for school. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t even focused on myself being sick. I kept thinking all day “God, I’m so horrible. I made her late. I made her late. I made her late.” My sister doesn’t even remember this, yet I can’t get it out of my head.
I was only late for school once, In 8th grade. It wasn’t my fault and was excused immediately, but I started to cry as soon as I got to my first period classroom, shaking. My teacher had no idea what to do, so she sent me out to the hall to cry it out.
- I had a deep fascination for shipwrecks, but specifically the Titanic.
When I was in the third grade, I read one 3rd grade reading level book on the Titanic and I was hooked. I wanted to no everything about it. I needed to know. How many people died? When exactly did it sink? What was found? What are those rust stalagtites that cling on to the ship underwater now? How deep is the Mariana Trench? Absolutely everything.
I read every book I could find about the Titanic, even books far above my reading level. I would read read read read read. My parents were like, “Awwww our little reading genius,” but I didn’t really care or recognize the reading level, I just cared about the Titanic.
When a program would come on about the Titanic or any shipwreck, I’d be like “No no no leave this on!” I needed to see it. More information was welcome.
I found a book in a drawer at my grandparents house about the Titanic. I read it all night.
When the topic was introduced I would start vibrating in joy, and info dump. “Ash, I didn’t need to know all of that.” ....”.....Ah okay, sorry.”
Even today, when I see something like Drain The Oceans or some Titanic Documentary, I’m like “I’m watching this Right Now.”
- I’m “careless”, and by that I mean that I’ve been labeled as “clumsy”.
I’m prone to dropping things,or having things slip from my grasp. People get mad, “You need to learn to be more careful.” But I’m trying. I’m watching my hands, looking where I’m going, and I still fuck up somehow.
I don’t know how much pressure to apply to the fridge’s filtered water dispenser. I grab a glass and push, but it was too much pressure because the glass slips, and water gets all over the floor. It’s been the same refrigerator for years.
I suck at sports that require any sort of hand-eye-coordination. Basketball? I sprained my finger because the ball bounced back at me off the rim. Football? I throw, but it goes way off mark. It’s the same for frisbee, volleyball, and even speedball. Sports that don’t require that, like skiing, hiking, kayaking, backpacking, or biking are all things I excel at.
- When I get nervous or excited I start getting “bouncy”
Like I mentioned in the time segment, I bounce on the balls of my feet when agitated. When i’m excited, I need to make some kind of motion like finger flicking, foot and/or leg bouncing.
I make a lot of unnecessary lip movements too, although I desperately try to hide that one in public (so the masks are kind of nice right now i guess) because I’ve been told it looks very weird.
- Eye contact is an issue.
I can make eye contact with people, but it is THE absolute worst. I hate it. It makes me feel wrong, scared, agitated, and a little bit threatened. Usually I stop just short of eye contact for people so they think I’m looking at them, but I can semi-get away with looking at their mouth or nose.
- There are certain textures I can’t deal with. I touch it, or even think about touching it, and I immediately need to touch something else more agreeable.
Examples include: rubber (why I hate to wear crocs), any socks tbh I usually go barefoot, styrofoam, chalkboard.
Touching or thinking about touching those things makes me shake because I’m uncomfortable, and I need to go touch like....sandpaper or something.
- Noises
It’s difficult to say, but it’s very very specific sounds and volumes that bother me.
Similarly to touch, I also hate the sound of styrofoam. It grates on my nerves. My sister thinks it’s sooooooooo funny that I’m bothered by the sound, so when she has styrofoam she’ll start squeaking it together just to bother me. I’m not amused.
My dad didn’t understand it when he was walking on metal with crocs, and it made this horrible high-pitched squeal, that I was so unnerved that it caused me physical pain. I had to put my hands over my ears to block it out. He says I was overreacting.
My mom had the volume on her laptop up. I couldn’t even stay in the same room.
There are a lot of sounds you don’t really think about. The electrical hum of your computer, the fish tank slightly bubbling, a tree branch hitting the side of the house softly. You think it’s quiet, but it’s not.
Anyways, I have no idea if this means anything. I’m still trying to figure myself out.
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enemy-to-the-state · a day ago
me: *has ordered from starbucks by myself on many occasions and sometimes i even end up ordering for other people because i anticipated those situations ahead of time and was able to perform the task*
me: *thinks that walking into starbucks this time, my dad will order, and thus i don’t mentally prepare for it*
my dad: ok, ash, take my card and order
me, brain going immediately static: there’s coffee at home
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stimmingbabie · 8 days ago
Am at my babies dorm!!!! I’m being hidden like a pet because technically I’m not allowed to be here but, whatever. They’re at work so I’m drinking coffee and about to call a friend, I feel good!!
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big-gay-swamp-witch · 15 days ago
lol. nothing hurts more than watching your other nd friends get diagnosed while you're constantly denied treatment. yes, i want to be happy for them. i just wish i was there too.
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clouds-queer-blog · 23 days ago
Hey !! Quick question to fellow nuerodiverse folks <3
So I know it’s like super hard to stop certain stims, but I have this one where I like,, hit my knuckles together when I’m super happy or excited? But it like genuinely hurts, and I would rather not be doing that lol
does anyone have suggestions on how to like stop doing that or even some sort of alternative to get the excited energy out but not in such a painful way???
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I just got into bed and there was a little bit of dirt or something at the foot of my bed. So I couldn't sleep until I fixed it because I could feel it and that just wouldnt do.
Anyway I feel like I'd pass the princess and the pea test
She was probably neurodivergent
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clearly-queerly-julia · a month ago
one stim I've had my most of my life (as long as I can remember) is brushing my hair on my face it pissed off my mom she said i look "crazy" and "stupid" so when I was like ten she forced my to get my hair cut so i couldn't do it. I'm 15 now and still upset about it (my hair is longer now just the memory of it upsets me) she's much more understanding now she but stimming still bothers her
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salemandkat · 2 months ago
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aliengender moodboard for anon!
-a gender that is aligned with outer space and the galaxy but more specifically as an inhabitant. this gender is mysterious and complex but floaty and free. a gender that is an interpretation of gender or genders, from a nonhuman perspective.
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sabrinasometimesstudies · 3 months ago
Story Time
Since I'm in between semesters right now, I think I'll give you guys some random content and try to stay active!
SO let’s start off with a story time! 
About 6 or 7 years ago I was in the eighth grade, and this story takes place in my language arts class. It was the class right after lunch (I’m pretty sure, forgive me for not remembering my 8th grade schedule exactly) and we always were given individual assignments to work silently on. The issue with this is the fact that many of my classmates didn’t work well in complete silence. 
I remember that a silent classroom was HARD for me to be productive in. I needed some sort of background noise, whether it was a movie, music, or even someone else’s conversation. This was before teacher started letting us have our phones or iPods out during class to listen to music to with headphones in. So my classmates and I would ask our teacher to play music quietly. The answer was always no even though we told her that we felt more productive if we had background noise. We even tried to compromise and asked if instrumental music would be allowed. One day my teacher SNAPPED on the class and went on this whole rant about how music or background noise doesn’t actually help us at all and we were lying. Her source wasn’t observing her students’ behavior, or asking other teachers, but one study from the early to mid 90s. So we just kind of dropped it because we didn’t want to be subjected to another rant. 
Jokes on her though because I’m neurodivergent and background noise actually does help me to get work done when I’m unmedicated (which I was at the time since I didn’t receive a diagnosis until I was 19). So if anyone out there is a teacher who refuses to play music or let students use headphones while they do individual assignments, maybe reevaluate the reason behind it. Some students need some sort of extra stimulation, and aren’t privileged enough to have a diagnosis and IEP. Try to be sympathetic and at least give them a chance, especially if the students who are asking for background music fidget, talk, or maybe don’t fit that box of a “perfect” student. That little bit of extra stimulation in their brain may make a HUGE difference in their behavior. 
Sincerely, a student with ADHD who didn’t know her brain was different until college.
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dungeons-and-dragonborns · 4 months ago
is it a autism/ADHD trait to just suddenly decide you need to end a conversation and people always assume youre being rude? like when a conversation starts to go round in circles or you've just ran out of things to say and you just have to immediately say “ok im going now” rather than wait for it to end naturally?
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titleknown · 4 years ago
maybe you should tell media snob that a lot of people with learning disabilities/other neurodivergences literally dont have the patience for reading as opposed to watching tv/playing games, and literary speculative fic is also shitty with queer rep so if you don;t want to read a slice of life which probs has a lot abt how shitty being gay is you;re still shit out of luck
Blogging this because I can’t think of anything to say, but I agree with you whole heartedly, and considering the dude I’m talking about is actually neurodivergent himself, he has even less of an excuse for that sort of sickery.
There are some things I could guess about the dude’s internalized shame from other things, but I don’t have the full knowledge to make those assertions...
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sharkvajay · 4 years ago
i do this thing when i can’t deal with something that’s like - maybe it’s a kind of disassociating, but I almost think about it as the opposite of disassociating, because it’s almost like expanding into a layer of my body I don’t normally occupy.
I just take the details and I feel them closely, push them up against my consciousness, like - it’s too hot, so I focus my brain down until I’m just my pores and the sweat there and all the haze when I open my eyes and my dress sticking to my back and all the tiny details are SOMETHING and it’s too hot, it’s too hot, it’s too hot. Like I’m all these little nanobots and the ones on the very surface, the ones closest to reality have been activated, and we are operating without depth
and it almost becomes a good thing, like I’m real or something, I feel very there, much more solid than I usually am, but I can only do it when something extreme is happening, like temperatures or thunderstorms or car accidents
I don’t know if I’m explaining it right. Does anyone else do this? 
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