Things I’m Starting to Question About Myself:
- I’m obsessive about time, being on time, all the time. When I was in the fifth grade, my mother was a teacher who’s classroom was right across the hall from my teacher’s classroom, meaning it was impossible for me to ever be late. However, without fail, every morning, I would stand at my mom’s classroom door, with my backpack on my shoulders, 20 minutes ahead of the bell, watching the clock. I needed to be On Time, no earlier, no later.
At first, my mother thought this was cute, but when it was a repeated action, she commented on how odd and weird it was, “You’re going to be on time no matter what, Ash; you don’t need to stand at the door.” I tried to listen, tried to Not wait at the door, but it made me feel so uncomfortable and wrong that I would run to the door with my backpack anyways, vibrating and intensely looking at the clock.
When I start getting closer to the time I need to leave to go somewhere, I get increasingly agitated. My dad meanders slowly. “Dad, please, it’s time to go.” I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet by the front door. He frowns, “C’mon, Ash, you’re gonna be on time, there’s no need for that kind of passive aggressive behavior.” Except, I wasn’t trying to be rude or passive aggressive, I’m just so nervous. I need to be on time.
I caught pink eye once, since I hadn’t known to address how unwell I was feeling beforehand, my father only found out that morning. I made my sister late for school. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t even focused on myself being sick. I kept thinking all day “God, I’m so horrible. I made her late. I made her late. I made her late.” My sister doesn’t even remember this, yet I can’t get it out of my head.
I was only late for school once, In 8th grade. It wasn’t my fault and was excused immediately, but I started to cry as soon as I got to my first period classroom, shaking. My teacher had no idea what to do, so she sent me out to the hall to cry it out.
- I had a deep fascination for shipwrecks, but specifically the Titanic.
When I was in the third grade, I read one 3rd grade reading level book on the Titanic and I was hooked. I wanted to no everything about it. I needed to know. How many people died? When exactly did it sink? What was found? What are those rust stalagtites that cling on to the ship underwater now? How deep is the Mariana Trench? Absolutely everything.
I read every book I could find about the Titanic, even books far above my reading level. I would read read read read read. My parents were like, “Awwww our little reading genius,” but I didn’t really care or recognize the reading level, I just cared about the Titanic.
When a program would come on about the Titanic or any shipwreck, I’d be like “No no no leave this on!” I needed to see it. More information was welcome.
I found a book in a drawer at my grandparents house about the Titanic. I read it all night.
When the topic was introduced I would start vibrating in joy, and info dump. “Ash, I didn’t need to know all of that.” ....”.....Ah okay, sorry.”
Even today, when I see something like Drain The Oceans or some Titanic Documentary, I’m like “I’m watching this Right Now.”
- I’m “careless”, and by that I mean that I’ve been labeled as “clumsy”.
I’m prone to dropping things,or having things slip from my grasp. People get mad, “You need to learn to be more careful.” But I’m trying. I’m watching my hands, looking where I’m going, and I still fuck up somehow.
I don’t know how much pressure to apply to the fridge’s filtered water dispenser. I grab a glass and push, but it was too much pressure because the glass slips, and water gets all over the floor. It’s been the same refrigerator for years.
I suck at sports that require any sort of hand-eye-coordination. Basketball? I sprained my finger because the ball bounced back at me off the rim. Football? I throw, but it goes way off mark. It’s the same for frisbee, volleyball, and even speedball. Sports that don’t require that, like skiing, hiking, kayaking, backpacking, or biking are all things I excel at.
- When I get nervous or excited I start getting “bouncy”
Like I mentioned in the time segment, I bounce on the balls of my feet when agitated. When i’m excited, I need to make some kind of motion like finger flicking, foot and/or leg bouncing.
I make a lot of unnecessary lip movements too, although I desperately try to hide that one in public (so the masks are kind of nice right now i guess) because I’ve been told it looks very weird.
- Eye contact is an issue.
I can make eye contact with people, but it is THE absolute worst. I hate it. It makes me feel wrong, scared, agitated, and a little bit threatened. Usually I stop just short of eye contact for people so they think I’m looking at them, but I can semi-get away with looking at their mouth or nose.
- There are certain textures I can’t deal with. I touch it, or even think about touching it, and I immediately need to touch something else more agreeable.
Examples include: rubber (why I hate to wear crocs), any socks tbh I usually go barefoot, styrofoam, chalkboard.
Touching or thinking about touching those things makes me shake because I’m uncomfortable, and I need to go touch like....sandpaper or something.
It’s difficult to say, but it’s very very specific sounds and volumes that bother me.
Similarly to touch, I also hate the sound of styrofoam. It grates on my nerves. My sister thinks it’s sooooooooo funny that I’m bothered by the sound, so when she has styrofoam she’ll start squeaking it together just to bother me. I’m not amused.
My dad didn’t understand it when he was walking on metal with crocs, and it made this horrible high-pitched squeal, that I was so unnerved that it caused me physical pain. I had to put my hands over my ears to block it out. He says I was overreacting.
My mom had the volume on her laptop up. I couldn’t even stay in the same room.
There are a lot of sounds you don’t really think about. The electrical hum of your computer, the fish tank slightly bubbling, a tree branch hitting the side of the house softly. You think it’s quiet, but it’s not.
Anyways, I have no idea if this means anything. I’m still trying to figure myself out.
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