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#my dad is trying to sort out some things with my health insurance so idk when i'm going to get to see my doctor again
terezipyropescrocs · 10 months
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trying to untangle if my current depression/fatigue is a post-covid symptom, hormonal nonsense (recently diagnosed with pcos and taking some medication to try and get things in "normal" range, in itself also a possible culprit), the general miasma of untreated ocd/adhd/autism and the burnout that accompanies them + sense of being a failure at life, the suffocation of still being in the closet... or all of these things simultaneously! probably that last one
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trans-advice · 2 years
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(sorry this is so long) i’m not sure where to go from here. i’m 25 years old. i’ve been trying to figure out my gender identity for several years now. this all started when i tried binding on a whim (i’m afab) and felt so euphoric, idk how to even describe it in words. from 2017-early 2020 i thought for sure that i was a trans man. i was out online with a different name & he/him pronouns, i wore a binder everyday, i dressed in a masculine way, etc. eventually, i was even able to express the feminine parts of my personality without feeling invalid. there were stretches of time, especially early on, when i’d back out mentally & re-enter the closet & try to live as a woman. but eventually it settled, and for the entirety of 2019 i was fully determined to transition medically & come out to everyone once i was able to move out of my mormon parents’ house. but then i suffered through a sudden major personal tragedy in late 2019, followed by the pandemic in 2020, and basically i dropped the entire trans dream between those two events, in probably like february 2020. i developed agoraphobia as well. on top of all of that, i’m autistic, so all this change has been really hard on my brain. since then, i’ve been on this rollercoaster where for a few weeks i’ll try to live happily as a woman, then cave and live as a man, and so on and so forth. it’s driving me nuts. i finally confided in my therapist about my gender stuff, because it’s really affecting my agoraphobia recovery progress, and she officially diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. she firmly believes i need to accept myself, whoever that is, but i don’t know how. there are real moments when i’m ok being a woman. it can be fun to shop for pretty clothes (though they’re usually stuffed to the back of my closet immediately) & have girl talk with my younger sisters. and it’s hard to imagine myself as an old man. but it’s also hard to imagine myself as a mom rather than a dad. i don’t know. maybe i’m so scared my religious conservative family will abandon me if i transition? and maybe the loss i experienced a couple years ago was so awful i’m scared for it to happen again? or what if i’m not trans but just some sort of androgynous woman with internalized misogyny. help?
I'm not sure about how agoraphobia works. Readers if you have any feedback on agoraphobia please share it!
Yeah, I think it's more like you need a better support network that will accept you if you transition into being a man. Like I think you need to have some preparation for abandonment by your religious conservative family.
Even worse, I would be worried about them giving conversion torture under the labels of "conversion therapy" & "religious apologetics". So in case you're facing that, I'd seek out some pro-lgbtqia+ religious apologetics, not necessarily to deprogram them, but to help fight the gaslighting that comes with anti-lgbtqia+.
You already said that you were very okay with being an androgynous man, so I don't think it's a matter of you somehow being an androgynous woman with self-hatred.
Since we live in a patriarchal misogynist/transmisogynist/transandrophobic society, I would look into trans-affirming feminist information so that you can get a better grip on what misogyny is when people try to gas light you like that.)
As for the enjoying the girl talk, are you sure that's not just enjoying talking with others? Also defining "girliness" can vary from group to group, so I would make sure to look into how that's being defined.
Have you applied for health insurance like Medicaid or Obamacare (affordable care act)? Because you're getting to age 26, so you're going to need your own insurance most likely. Like that would help with preparing to be either abandoned or more independent of your parents.
I'm not sure how much of my transition strategies will apply to your situation & what's available by you. I know in my transition before the pandemic, I basically relied on getting my things organized with a therapist at a therapy office in person because I was not safe from domestic violence when I would talk about my gender issues on the phone. Like I would have to go outside & walk around & find free of charge spaces in order to avoid the people I lived with as much as possible. I had to get a public transit pass in order to get to places without having to be at the mercy of people to drive me.
Good Luck, Peace & Love,
Eve
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thatfilthyanimal · 3 years
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I really don't want to vent here but I also don't want to overload my friends so I'm just going to do it and suck it up, fuck it.
I feel pretty fucking horrible in a very deep way and I don't know how to talk to people about it. This started up around the beginning of April and I thought it was in relation to April just being generally rough on me because of how my dad died, but it hasn't let up yet. If anything, I feel worse. Way worse.
I'm guessing I need to raise the dosage of my medication and I'm actually really heartbroken about that in a way I don't know how to describe. How am I supposed to feel if shit is so horrible I have to take the highest possible dosage I can safely take of a medication? How am I supposed to feel calling up a psychiatrist I just told two months ago my dosage was stable and I was feeling great, to tell her "ha ha ha I high key hate life and want to die again, please, raise my shit so I can hold up the illusion that I'm not a fucking lost cause a little longer?"
So... some of the only stuff I'm really comfortable touching on here is the whole transphobia at the doctors, thing. After spending most of 2020 living at doctors because of unknown stomach pain and just trying not to fucking die from something during a global pandemic I'm at a loss now. Nobody ever figured out my pain issues, I've just changed around what I eat and it seems better... Sort of? But mostly my existence in general hurts because coming out as trans to my newer doctors has been... uncomfortable. Now it feels like every time they "ma'am" me or pointedly call me "a woman" or "female" in a phone call (where I'm specifically asking for help regarding getting on testosterone) I want to claw myself out of my own skin and bury myself deep in the ground where nobody ever has to see me again.
Literally all the shit that I was terrified of that kept me from admitting to myself I was trans this entire time is fucking real and-- I'm weak, I'm fucking weak and scared and tired because I've never needed so much help with something so desperately in my life and the ONE PLACE I should be able to get help from I'm... terrified of, now. I just want to cancel all my future appointments and just never leave my house again because what is the fucking point. I'll never look right and I'll never be taken seriously and my weight is always an issue some-fucking-how regardless of the actual problem, so just. Fuck. Why leave. Why go anywhere. Why try to take care of myself anymore just. why.
I knew this would happen if I came out, I knew admitting I was trans would be a challenge of my ability to continue to love myself and... you know, I do, I do love myself, and coming out has proven that more than anything, but the cost of that almost feels like it outweighs the euphoria of being myself.
But now I'm in that weird middle-state of my body and voice not "matching" my gender and nobody taking said gender seriously and. What do I do. I'm so terrified of this happening at another doctor's office that it hurts to try to reach out. Literally the nearest doctors that might help me are an hour and a half out in Chicagoland, if not Chicago proper. And things feel so uncomfortable here where I am that I may literally need to drive that hour and a half just for basic health care, not just the hormone therapy and. Like. It hurts.
If I had figured this out sooner while I was in Champaign, there was an endocrinologist there and the city was super LGBTQIA+ friendly and I'm kicking myself for not doing something before I moved three hours away. Getting help could have been maybe a 15 minute drive in my own city instead of an hour and a half into the heart of Chicago, which, btw, I fucking hate driving in because everyone out there drives like a crazy asshole.
Idk. I'm tired and I'm scared and worn down and I don't know how to ask for help. I tried with one of my local friends but, well, their life is busy and its always "oh I forgot to ask my friend about that place here that would help you, sorry, there's been so much going on" but. It's been months now. They were the one that suggested I reach out to said people about whatever place it is, and I don't want to be rude but also... are you going to help me? Because it sounds like my sorry ass is stuck going to Chicago in a global pandemic to get T and I'm really upset about it.
Like, if my friend can't even see it as important than I guess I just have to do everything alone. Just like I've had to with BPD.
This is getting way longer than I meant, and it's not even the worst thing just. I'm feeling vulnerable and isolated as hell and I need more support than I have and I'm too scared to ask for it. And most of the people I know can't do jack or shit about it because there's really nothing they can do, so like. Why ask them. Why tell them. Idk.
I'm talking to a therapist too, have been for months, and she's nice but she's not great for trans issues. She's supportive but it's not her specialty. Because I have borderline I have to kind of choose my battles when it comes to therapists... There are therapists that handle BPD and therapists that handle trans issues but my insurance doesn't cover one that specializes in both at once in this town. And BPD is super misunderstood-- the wrong therapist may admit me for just passive suicidal ideation not realizing it's a common and (generally non-life-threatening) part of BPD that doesn't hold real threat. Getting a therapist for trans issues that doesn't know how to read the weight of my depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts and call them correctly is dangerous and... that's its own problem. I have to choose my battles here and it's really hurting me.
Like I really don't know what to do. Do I get a second therapist and risk that they may not understand BPD and may be overwhelmed and scared to work with me? God. I've never had two therapists at once and the thought is... idk. It hurts.
I just want to feel okay, and I don't. And I'm more tired and scared and feeling misunderstood than I've ever been and the idea of reaching for help is terrifying me. This feels like stuff I should only be unloading on a therapist, not my friends... my friends deserve better than that. But also I'm well aware of how my friendships will go if I start to use them to vent and seek help like this.
Idk. I wish I knew how to talk about everything that's wrong right now but I... can't. It sounds horrible and mean when I say it all and I don't want people to look at me like I'm fragile and someone to pity, but that seems to be my life and how people are going to view me. I basically exist as an example of what not to be. So. Idk. I'm tired and I want help but I'm scared to ask for it.
Past friends have taught me that if I seek help and cry to them that I'm a Problem that they need to distance from and. It hurts. There may be friends that do genuinely want me to come to them and I don't know how to try; the idea scares the shit out of me. Everyone I've ever opened up to (besides my partner) has eventually grown sick of me and I can't handle losing what support I have right now.
I need to hush cause this sounds blamey and I don't mean it that way. My life is just... highkey fucked and I'm trying to hold on and struggling about it.
I don't regret finally admitting to both myself and everyone else that I'm trans, but fuck, the weight of this level of medical rejection on top of the BPD feelings interfering with my ability to reach to friends for help just... it's so much. And I feel guilty complaining about it at all.
And every time I post something public about it I'm just giving people insight on why they should avoid me, or worse, exactly what they can do/say if they want to hurt me.
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technicolordeams · 4 years
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So some things happened this past week since I wrote my last entry and I'm rethinking my stance on leaving or not. I was able to talk to the one girl who is befriending me and my pastor had a long talk about what makes me me and what I struggle with. I followed what my therapist told me to be which was to be more assertive. I felt very awkward and scared to do it but if I didn't, I'd end up right back where I was feeling anger and abandonment. So for now, I'm still on hold on what to choose to do.
But a couple other things popped up. Not too big but unsettling. My mind just blanked on one of them so I'll just type about the one that's stuck out the most to me right now since it happened literally within the past hour.
So obviously I have problems eating enough to keep my weight stable, let alone gain any without a LOT of work. I've been struggling with it since my gallbladder decided to take a shit on me and demand to be removed which happened on my birthday. During that time I started getting suicidal again and I hadn't dealt with those intense emotions regarding it in several years. But since December it decided to rear it's ugly head and bite into me as hard as it could ever since. It's been 8 months now with very little improvement. And during that time span my health has tanked. I developed breathing problems after my surgery which was horrific enough as it was (imagine not being fully awake but aware that you are out of control of your body and unable to utilize your coping techniques. Just like having a massive panic attack like seizure feeling but you are barely able to be aware of anything besides the viceral fear and blackness because I couldn't wake up. Just... Out of control. And you have no idea how long you were in that state before the nurse could sort of pull you out of it and even communicate more than like two words and slowly peek my eyes open a fraction. Yeah, that's what happened. I had major fear over that for at least a month. Sleeping was hard enough from the surgery and adding in that... Yeah no.) Anyways, since that started up and obviously after surgery it's hard to eat and stuff like that normally. But after the surgery I was (am) having breathing problems. I would have endless coughing fits that would even hit me and make me unable to take a full breath without coughing horribly whatever air I could get right back out. It also made me almost throw up several times (which is my biggest phobia that triggered my eating disorder to go out of control and send me into hospital stays and feeding tube hell). So at least I lost 10lbs since the surgery or even before that. I creep closer to 15lbs though most likely. I haven't been keeping track of it very much because of how much distress I've been dealing with. And I've been dealing with A LOT. Things I wonder if I will be able to get up from without more intense medical help that I probably can't get because of covid.
I've gone through several tests to see why I'm having coughing fits and every answer is that they don't see anything wrong. Well, the ENT appointment I went to the day before I went to see the pulmonary doctor really screwed me over tbh. The ENT doctor gave me steroids that day that I took that same night and told me that the pulls wouldn't affect the asthma test they were going to perform next day. It did. So I had to wait like two months before I could go back and be re-tested. But then covid hit and those practices have been closed ever since. So I can't get an accurate reading on what's going on. They did spot that I had some breathing abnormalities but because of the steroids, they couldn't say for sure. Mind you I had to literally book these doctor appointments and tell my dad you have to take me to these because he didn't think it was that important. Which has pretty much been like everything doctor related that has come up this past year. Just had to put my foot down and tell him I NEED to go to these and I'll be going whether you agree with me or not. Which adds to the distressed feeling and like I'm overreacting and being too paranoid or some shit. Also because I couldn't get actually tested for asthma properly, my regular doctor had to prescribe me with an inhaler but insurance won't help because I have not been diagnosed with it. So I had to cough up (almost literally) over a $100 for medicine that we don't know is right for me or not or whatever.. so that's like $60 every two months? Idk. Which is a lot considering I have a bunch of other bills to pay which includes when I got my wisdom teeth removed (ALL FIVEEE because I'm that extra) which cost $3,000. I have to pay my mom back for another at least year? I don't even know anymore at this point.
I've also been dealing with vision blackouts recently where I almost pass out when I get up here and there. My blood pressure tanked and went to like 70/52 and pulse all over the place. That's better now at least. Chronic fatigue, dehydration, can't sleep very well... Etc. Vitamin D and B12 are on the lower side of the normal range and my body isn't producing enough carbon dioxide.
Now along with all of this bag of shit, I have lost every friend I thought I had and the feeling that I can call anyone friend anymore. I am terrified of calling anyone a friend now because I am afraid that if I let someone in, I will be taken advantage of and lied to like I have in almost every type of relationship I've had since I was little. I am afraid of speaking because I am afraid what I say will offend or upset or whatever someone when all I do is mean well (usually unless you're an asshat). It has made me regress back to my childhood where I couldn't trust anyone and I had nobody except for a penpal on the east coast to keep me company through msn messenger, emails, or rarely phone calls. She was the only one I could call my best friend for a long time and the only one I could open up to about things and the only one who tried to consistently cheer me up when I was hospitalized at 16 by spamming me with emails. I will forever love her and no matter how far we've drifted apart over the years, I will still love her and respond to her as quickly as possible if she ever needed me again. But if we never talk again I'm okay with it. We were there for each other during really bad times in out lives and I like to think we kept each other somewhat sane. She has done more for me than I could ever ask anyone and I'll always be grateful to have "met" her.
But since all of the shit happened with my ex friends... I don't feel safe to get very close to anyone or open up to anyone. Even the girl who defended me and stuff when I was being bullied and manipulated hardly speaks to me now. I wouldn't want to talk to me very much either if all I had to talk about were extremely negative and talk about dying. I can hardly go to my parents about things. I am home alone with just my puppy that likes to get into mischief about 80% of the day. Hardly interact with people online. Usually I just now watch YouTube videos about what's going on with people. I find very little satisfaction playing video games or anything honestly. I have lost art, something that I loved dearly and way too much. I cannot go out most often due to my health. I am stuck at home. I can hardly go outside too. It's too hot (sometimes heat can trigger flashbacks), I found out I'm allergic to grass, and last week I broke out in hives from God knows what so I can't go outside even more. I was put on steroids again for 6 days which causes your immune system to weaken so it won't produce histamines that causes the INSANE itch because every topical and oral medicine OTC would barely help at all. All I do each day is very basic hygiene, sleep when I can, eat as much as I can, and try and relax while taking care of my puppy.
Only two good things has come from all of this: one, I can finally work with a trauma therapist. Hopefully she can help me. Two... Ah I forgot what the second one was actually. Maybe being able to talk to my psychiatrist more frequently? Not sure. I'm very tired right now again lol.
All I know is that I feel very much alone and there's nothing I can do about it. The world outside is extremely dangerous and I am trapped inside my mind too frequently. And there is no extra help I can get.
So all of this led up to my main grievance for today- so far at least lol long ass story to tell just to explain what I'm upset about. My mom earlier asked me if she could give me advice. I told her it depends on what it's about. But she said it anyways. Told me to check my weight each week. She knows I'm not in the most stable state of mind and she knows that me checking my weight constantly can cause a panic attack of it goes down. (thankfully it hasn't really in a month. Only reason why I know is because I had to go to my doctor's twice the past month) I told my dad what she said and he just told me to say okay and leave it at that.
I know I don't want to go back to the state I was in in 2017. I don't want to go through that hell again. Even if I did want to, there'd be way more restrictions with the threat of covid ravaging our place and infecting everyone there. When I pass the eating disorder clinic that I was forced in when I was 16, there is literally nobody there. Maybe a couple cars but they obviously are not treating kids right now. I may be wrong but it would be very dangerous. I know over at the ERC I went to in 2017 is extremely limiting any visitors from coming. The apartments when you graduate to living in temporarily while you go to just a day program only allow maybe two people to stay there at a time and instead of walking to the van pickup spot, they pick you up at your apartment. Psychiatric wards here, or at least one of them that my therapist and I talked about going to, is still slightly operational, but it's over Zoom. So you literally can't get very good support. If you fall off the deep end while at a meeting nothing can be done to help you right there and then if you run away from the meeting.
My psychiatrist told me that if I do feel that I'm in grave danger (I think the trauma therapist I met also said the same) was to go to the ER. But I am afraid to go to the ER and then be turned away quickly and also take a chance that I might catch Covid while there, not to mention the price... And since my parents are essential workers, any one of us could come down with it at any time or be a carrier without knowing. So I'm isolated from people in real life and I don't feel safe talking to anyone online as well. Even if I had someone who wanted to talk to me to begin with that isn't some creepy horny guy wanting pixel sex... I can't think of anyone who I could potentially talk to about anything in my life... I'm just so lost and afraid of both the virtual and real world... Who can I turn to besides my therapist, psychiatrist, or maybe parents depending on what is bothering me, and of course God? I'm told I need a support system. But I can only talk to the doctors so much and my parents aren't very good at being compassionate... I have no one.
I also think about how badly I want to be hospitalized for a little while just so I can get fluids and rest and proper care but that most likely will only happen unless suicide was a big risk.
I am utterly alone...
If anyone reads this long post to the end, you're a crazy human being. xD Going to stop rambling now and put the dishes away and put the pup away for his nap and try and get one in myself.
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brightblessed · 4 years
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/// mobile but important
So I try not to post this sort of thing too often. But here we are. I know it's a bad look and maybe I'll go into more detail at some point when it's not 3am. But I feel like I should explain my recent silence on all fronts. Tl;dr, I'm depressed. More detail and emo shit below. No cut bc mobile
I've been really detached and depressed. I feel really hopeless and like I've wasted my life entirely. I feel like there's nothing special about me and that I'm a waste. I am having extreme money issues and I hate my job. It makes me suicidal if I work too much. I've been in college forever because I cannot take pressure at all and I can only afford one class a semester. I feel like I wasted it. I can't afford my classes anymore. I'm not able to get aid because of a stupid mistake of me dropping out because I was suicidal and not getting the right notes for it from doctors. My dad was helping, but he lost his job and is retired now and can't. Even if he says he can, I cannot ask him to anymore considering. My meds aren't working much anymore but I don't have health insurance so I can't do anything about it. I can't get on assistance because I don't make enough at work. I'm just a burden on everyone when you consider my mental illness and my lack of skills and the financial drain I have on my family. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm a coward and I don't want to hurt my family. I'm pretty replaceable to the people I know irl outside of my family. Idk. I'm just really unhappy and I have no idea how to fix it. I feel like I've ruined everything. I feel like it's all been wasted. I'm turning 27 soon and I'm useless. Still in college. Still with my parents. Still mentally a teenager. I can blame my disability, my mental illness, but I still feel like I should have tried harder. Idk. It all feels so hopeless now.
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adhdisgay · 5 years
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are you sure you don't have some sort of dissociative disorder? sorry i don't want to be rude or anything :P but i read that memories post and like,,,,, even with adhd (which i also have btw) you shouldn't be like... losing chunks of time or getting things mixed up to that extent. some memory loss and forgetfulness is to be expected, but when it's that severe it's usually a sign of something else. again, sorry, i'm really not trying to like presume anything, i've just had the same thing happen
you’re totally fine, i appreciate you writing in!!
i mean, possibly? the post makes it seem worse than it is, i normally just switch up a lot of things during the day without thinking which i think is a mix of forgetfulness/clumsiness
but i def dissociate when on long car rides/in spaces where i have to do a lot of waiting, so idk. i’m normally still present enough where i don’t panic about where I’m at or doing. like i don’t worry about crashing my car, but i do often blink and realize like “whoah, i’m driving right now” and after i get to where i’m going i have trouble remembering how i spent my time on the way. i remember the beginning of the trip and the end but the middle just kind of.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows
and i’ve had blocks of time randomly cut out of my memory at other moments too, but those seem more random and more complete. driving is just fuzzy but like i got brunch with my dad earlier this week and apparently made extensive plans with him and when he asked me about them i just. literally could not recall us having that conversation, or what we actually did at brunch. it wasn’t fuzzy like driving, it was just gone, if that makes sense? like it never happened, but it did
adhd can also impact people in different ways, so maybe i’m just less aware of stuff? but i don’t know. i appreciate you writing in, though!! i’ve never really thought about it. i’m not currently seeing a provider but once i’m back on reliable health insurance i’ll be sure to check in with them about it <3
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aeide-thea · 5 years
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[just panic-spiraling out loud about Health Concerns i should really go see a doctor about, but rn it's 4 AM on a sunday so i'm whispering them into the night instead—]
i've been feeling a bunch of abdominal discomfort the past, idk, few days/week or so—sort of, hm, vague fullness/gassiness/distension sensations, i guess? and like, some degree of that sort of thing is pretty normal for me for Anxiety Reasons, but even so this has felt kind of weird and ominous, and increasingly i'm also thinking there's maybe something externally palpably Not Right but honestly, idk, i've never spent a whole lot of time palpating my own abdomen so i don't really have a baseline for comparison? i mean there are supposed to be, like, organs in there, whatever deleuze may say...*
anyway i'd been sticking my head in the sand a little and hoping this would go away again but considering it's definitely been going on since at least thursday, and i don't actually remember what prompted this post from the 22nd but it looks awfully like a connectable dot, i think it's officially gone on long enough that i ought to at least get myself checked out? particularly if the lethargy/fatigue situation of the last, idk, significant number of months counts as Actual Symptoms and not just a depression thing, yikes yikes yikes... like, my mother's initial symptoms were lethargy/fatigue and constipation, and while i haven't been constipated, who knows, 1 out of 2 ain't bad
and of course attempting to do internet research about this is just like, you probably have cancer! and i mean like, i supposedly** don't have my mother's BRCA mutation and i'm not even 30 yet, but who knows! horrible things happen to people! i know this intimately! which knowledge in conjunction with the internet input is making me panicky, like, literal shaking and chills, loving the feedback loop here!
not to mention that like, i definitely didn't deal with getting signed up for health insurance last fall because my mother had literally just died and i was a mess, so unless it automatically kicked in when i didn't decline it—which it might have, idk, but you would think i'd have gotten some kind of notification of that?—i don't actually have health insurance right now! what a good time to be trying to go to the doctor, and potentially more than one doctor! (i am, at least, lucky in that i/my dad can afford for me to go to some appointments out of pocket if need be, and/or i feel like i might be able to call insurance up and be like 'uh i neglected to deal with insurance last fall bc death in the family, is there any way i can sort that out belatedly?' but still: A Tangle.)
and i mean, maybe it's fine, maybe it's psychosomatic, maybe it's some kind of benign cyst situation, there are lots of levels of scenario that aren't immediate defcon 'congrats yr gonna be dead in 2 years' probably! but i have secondary cancer trauma so this is where my head immediately goes! 🙃🙃🙃
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Is it too personal or may I ask what the long story that got you back into George is?
honestly i could use this ask as a way to really sit back and reflect on what’s going on in my life so yeah here’s the story:
(warnings for depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts)
so going way back to my junior year of high school, september 2009-may 2010, that was like…one of the happiest years of my life. I had some really great friends at the time, family life (from what i remember) was more or less going okay (although i remember my parents were pissing me off when i was in driver’s ed), i was getting out more, things changed in my youth group and over all it was just a great year?? and CSI?? Season 10?? was so good?? 
and then my senior year of high school started, I got into some shit with not just one, but TWO of my friends, one of which I was like..in love with, and I was getting scared because Things Were Changing and I had all this pressure on me to get a job, go to college, etc, etc. (I also did start a job in the summer between my junior and senior years and I had a crush at this job and our relationship got Complicated and we never did anything, I sort of pushed him away cause I thought I was too young to be with someone who was a couple years older than me, and I was just scared about it in general.) But I was still watching CSI. I still loved it. I still loved Nick Stokes/George Eads.
And then came my first year of college, again, still watching CSI, and I was trying–oh god I was trying so hard to keep my anxiety under control as everything was changing, I was in a brand new school where I knew like…nobody (well a few people here and there–I went to a popular community college in my vicinity so I did see a few people from high school) and again getting this pressure to succeed in college cause college just wasn’t a thing people did in my family–not until everyone began to realize how important it was (some of my cousins went back to school and got degrees and such)
and I was also trying to do my best to keep in touch with my friends, trying to mend the cracks in the two friends I had beef with, but another friend–who I had since seventh grade at that point–and I were getting closer and closer (she’s my absolute BEST friend at this point in my life tbh and uhm yeah I don’t know where I would be without her but I’ll get to that later)
and I was still watching CSI, still in love with nick, etc etc–but I was also getting into another obsession…Doctor Who
Sophmore year of college?? I think this is where depression was starting to get to me a bit. 
I had absolutely NO idea what I wanted to with my life. Family still pressuring me to succeed, things were getting Complicated with that guy at work, I started another job–so I was working two jobs at one point in my life and going to school which is uh Fun. I can’t remember much but I do remember in general being a bit freaked out over having to change schools cause that was a New thing and I was not good with change (because of my anxiety)
SO then we come to my junior year of college, and so began my dangerous Apathy phase, where I didn’t give a shit that I was failing tests because I wasn’t studying because Doctor Who basically consumed my life. I didn’t care about myself–It’s such a little thing, but I stopped brushing my hair at one point and wasn’t taking care of my body the way I should have–I had never gone to the doctor since my high school days, so I never had regular check-ups 
things at this point had ended with my first job and I’ve never seen or spoken to that one guy that I have Regrets with–to this day I wish we gave it a shot tbh, cause he seemed like a geuninely caring, nice guy? (not without his faults of course) 
and also uh…I think this was the year I stopped having a regular period. 
I’m talking like…I didn’t have a period for months, and I sure as hell wasn’t pregnant
I also stopped watching CSI, for many reasons, for the way GSR was being handled, for the way Nick was getting the promise of all these interesting storylines but NEVER DID and watching Nick/George obviously going through his own shit (cause he definitely gained weight in that season–and NO JUDGEMENT FROM ME TBH cause I’m, uh…technically classified as obese myself), and again, I was also SUUUPER obsessed with doctor who to the point where it was probably hindering my life
at some point in 2015 i did get my period again and was like “OH LOOK I’M ALL GOOD ON THAT FRONT” probably cause this is when I entered my first almost-relationship, a frequent customer at the store I used to work at asked me out and it didn’t work out in the end cause he was um…idk just Not For Me (and a gross ass kisser) but then after that one period, it disappeared again.
OH but in 2015, when CSI ended, I did watch the finale–Immortality even though I was SUPER pissed about Nick being gone (I did go back and watch just his final scene and cried like a baby) and then proceeded to rewatch grave danger for the first time in years at that point–I actually documented that on my blog here lol (and I did all of that instead of studying for a test that I failed the next day lmao)
so blah blah blah had tons of shit going on until 2016, which was possibly the lowest point of my life in terms of depression/anxiety, even though I had finally graduated college, I got a full time job (the same one I’m in now, three years later, very successful I might add–I just got promoted last year and I’m held in very high esteem by many of my superiors so it gets happy)
but in this full time job, I was moved to third shift for a few months, and was forced to work with this one woman who I like DESPISED–although not completely at the time, but to this day I really just can’t stand her (thankfully she quit lol) 
so the third shift transition was rough enough, but at least I was into a new show–Person of Interest and I was having the Time of My Life with it but it really did start getting me to think about my depression and mental health, which up until that point I had been ignoring, despite that one friend I mentioned earlier having pointed out to me many times throughout 2015-2016 that I needed to go to therapy (and I just didn’t think it would work, I didn’t want to do it, my social anxiety was screaming FUCK NO the whole time)
also the trump election thing happened and uhm yeah there was that. Got into a LOT of heated discussions…and lost like ALL respect for my step-father (who you’ll still see me refer to as “dad” but i’m pointing out he’s my step father in this instance because I would be ashamed to be blood related to him)
and despite our uh, troubles, my dad did try to get me to watch Macgyver, telling me that “hey, nick stokes is in it!” 
but my depressed dumbass was like “oh really? nice” AND THEN DIDN’T WATCH IT LIKE A FUCKING MORON
and on top of that, my house got INFESTED with mice and my parents did nothing outside of setting up mouse traps but it was getting to a point where we found like…five mice in a day and I was starting to see them in the daylight (which is a sign you have an INFESTATION) and ALL of my belongings were getting mouse shit and pee on them (my room is right next to the kitchen) and I ended up purging A LOT of things (including a binder of friendship from the one friend I had trouble with in senior year–which man that hurt to get rid of ((side note, you know what really fucking hurts the most about breaking away from that friend? we’ve known each other since pre-school and I mentioned in tags before about how we do still talk and shit and i am one of her wedding bridesmaids and shit but yeah…not like it used to be)))
and i was getting to a point where I honestly?? just wanted?? to die??
I would say it was like, late 2016 where I was even starting to think of scenarios where I could just…like…disappear? kill myself? I just did not want to exist anymore
2017 came along, fresh start, I kept telling myself. Still had mice in the mouse, but I was fully aware of my mental health issues at this point, and was starting to really listen to my friend more and more, really starting to consider going to therapy (especially now that i had health insurance)
(and also I was beginning to realize I have Feelings for this friend as well–although I gotta wonder if it’s actual romantic love and just not intense friendship cause we really are close friends but like…I could also see us as more? if she were open to it? but I know she doesn’t feel that way about girls and she’s got her own shit to deal with, and i respect that so I never push it or bring it up)
and then? twin peaks: the return came along. Season 3, episode 3, “Call for Help” a fucking masterpiece of an episode and something just…CLICKED in me. Something made me realize, I need to call for help
and so I did. 
2017 was the year of therapy, in which I talked about a lot of the shit above, and then I stopped going in I think 2018? when the therapist moved away, but my sessions were getting farther and farther apart anyway, and I felt like I was finally in a better place in my life. I had more coping mechanisms, more awareness of how to handle myself, and I began to realize I really needed to take care of myself more
so i went to the doctor for the period thing, seems like it was some hormonal imbalance cause i was put on birth control to get my hormones back in order (this is my first month off of them so fingers crossed it still works) and by the time august/september rolled around? 
I started writing again
and I’m not talking fan fiction, I suddenly had the inspiration to write this original story idea I have for a series that was HEAVILY inspired by CSI–in which the third book in the series is about a guy getting buried alive (and a girl trying to save him but doesn’t because ANGST but that’s another long ass story lol)
which, naturally, made me want to watch grave danger again, for the first time in three years. and then…I suddenly wanted to watch more csi?? from the very beginning??
and so I watched the first four episodes of season 1 again, and Nick/George was back in my life again. And it felt SO FREAKING GOOD.
Then, I watched Macgyver because I wanted to see new George content, and immediately fell in love with jack
Caught up with Macgyver and then finished my csi rewatch, this time watching all of season 13 (which I STILL HAVE MIXED FEELINGS OVER just like season 9) and 14-15 (which i regret not watching when it first aired cause it’s SO GOOD)
and I’m not saying like…Nick/Jack/George is the sole cause of my happiness, the cure for my depression/anxiety (cause that shit never goes away, you just learn to manage it better), nor is he the sole love of my life or anything, but…he’s a huge part of who I am, because in those years, when I was struggling, I lost myself. I lost Nick. But now I found myself again, I re-discovered my passion for Nick Stokes, and i’m just as happy as I was back in 2009/2010, and life is just so good
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chibistarlyte · 5 years
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life update stuff under the cut
this year has been such a doozy so far. i feel like each year gets steadily more and more difficult and sometimes i fall into the depression pit of “nothing matters, what is the point in literally anything”
i’ve been sleeping a lot lately because doing anything takes too much effort. i’m on meds, and i do feel better versus when i wasn’t on them for a while, but i like. don’t know what my problem is? idk if it’s the adhd acting up and not letting me focus on anything/making me bored all the time because i can’t focus on anything. my anxiety hasn’t been too much of a problem lately, not since a few months ago when i had that full-blown panic attack at work. and i keep digging my heels in about going to the doctor because my health insurance plan doesn’t have co-pays, just a yearly deductible, so like...my last doctor visit, which was just a med check, cost me almost $200 and i’m just like????? what the fuck, i can’t afford to go to the doctor to address issues i’m pretty positive i have (example, i’m pretty fuckin’ positive i have some sort of thyroid issue because it runs in my family and affected my yia yia (mom’s side) and my mom currently, both pretty severely) and then i also wanna go to therapy again because Trauma(TM) and i’m noticing a lot of ways past trauma is affecting my daily life and i just
everything is so expensive so i just sleep and hope i’ll feel better when i wake up
i also dove a lot into my hyperfixations over the last few months to cope with some shit and at the end of the day, it doesn’t do anything to fix the problem. it’s just pointless escapism.
my cat was really sick at the beginning of this month and had to be hospitalized, so i had to open a new line of credit to pay for her hospitalization. i made the decision to do so because she had pancreatitis and it was completely curable, and plus my cat is young enough (she’s 11 this year) and has been healthy for the majority of her life and to me, it was worth it to fork over a bunch of money to make sure she stayed alive because she still has a lot of youth in her and she’s got a lot of years left, and the vet agreed. so, she got much better but the vet did find that presea has bladder stones (which didn’t surprise me all that much tbh, she had some urinary problems a few years ago due to stress of living with two dogs at the time) so we had to switch her diet to a special prescription urinary diet (which she’ll have to be on for the rest of her life and is pretty expensive, but still worth it to me) in the hopes that the food will help dissolve the stones. if they don’t dissolve, though, she will have to have surgery and i don’t even want to think about how much that is going to cost. but, again, it’s worth it to me to have her around for many more years because without her, i don’t know what i’d do. i literally don’t.
uh, what else? i had a new baby cousin born last month, which is cool. his name is alton and i’m hoping to visit my family in ohio sometime this year so i can meet all the new babies that have been born in the last five years and also bring my boyfriend to meet my extended family. my cousin was going to be getting married in september and that was when we were gonna go, but after we found out my aunt (mom of said cousin) has a rare form of breast cancer, my cousin decided to put the wedding on hold. i still think i wanna go back and visit since i already have the vacation time for when the wedding would have been. this particular aunt is definitely the one i’m closest to out of my entire extended family (my dad is one of nine kids) and i haven’t seen her in a few years, so it’s something i really want to do.
i may end up going back sooner than september, though, depending on if my grandma passes away before then. she has dementia and it’s gotten to the point where she can’t swallow anymore, and because of that whenever she tried to eat, a bunch of fluid got into her lungs and she caught pneumonia and ended up in the hospital, and she’s now on a feeding tube as of the last update i heard from my dad and i just. i feel bad but also my grandma was nothing but abusive to everyone in her family--my dad, his brothers and sisters, my cousins, me, my sister, my mom, etc.--and i feel no closeness to her whatsoever so like, i almost feel like i don’t care if she dies or not? but i’m still gonna go back for the funeral and such when she does go because it’s important to me to be with my family. especially because i never see them because i live across the country from them.
some good stuff, uh, my boyfriend got a new job that he starts on april 1st. it’s a full-time gig and he’ll be making more money than me so hopefully that will help as far as our plans to move in together next year (holy fuck i can’t believe i’m in that point in a relationship, wtf). marriage has been lightly in the talks as well and i’m like awsiuhjkdsagflkdshl wtf
my job sucks but i’m applying for other jobs here and there. it’s possible that i’m looking at a promotion in the next six months at my current job so i’m kiiiiiiiinda waiting to see what happens with that, but also i’m applying for positions elsewhere to see if i get any bites. nothing so far, but the situation isn’t dire so it’s whatevs. i’m considering picking up a second job again, especially if presea needs surgery.
my birthday is in nine days (march 31st) and i just hope to have a good and relaxing day
uhhh anyway that’s it for now, i think. i haven’t been super active on here lately and i miss it, so i’m gonna try and be around more. i also want to keep working on my fanfics and i’m gonna be pulling out some of my old plays and fixing those up because i know of a group in denver that does live readings of plays by local playwrights and i think that might be fun to try, if anything. i also need to work on sending some of my poems and short stories out to like lit journals/magazines and such this year and hope i get at least one thing published. i ain’t aiming for the stars, here, just something to get me started, y’know?
if you made it here to the end, thanks for reading. <3
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septicsavvy · 5 years
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What was 2018 for me?
Hey y'all. So this last half of the year, I haven't been as active as I'd like to be in this community, which is a real shame, So I thought I'd share with you all why that is and what my plans are moving forward. This post will be extremely long so don't feel like you have to read through all of it. I just feel like I could use a little therapy session while also explaining myself to all of you. TW for depression, substance abuse, and... gross hospital stuff? Idk. Just know you've been warned.
The beginning of this year was phenomenal. We started out the wave of PMA and I hadn't felt that good in a really long time. I was incredibly motivated and excited to make change in my life. I had two part-time jobs at the end of 2017, but coming into 2018 I was offered a full time job with one employee, so I took it. Having that job allowed me to go to the HDWGH show for a second time AND bring my mom and sister as VIPs! Just a week later, I had my experience at Pax where I got to meet Jack in person, which was a rollercoaster of emotions for me.
During the spring, I had gone back to school to get my AA degree (that's a whole other complicated story), which was honestly great! I finally had my license and could drive to school anf work myself which gave me a lot of self-confidence, independence, and responsibility. Over time, work was getting to be too much for me on a social and emotional level, so I made the choice to quit. It wasn't easy, but I'm still glad I did it, for my own mental health.
Overall, the first quarter of the year was amazing. I was home with my family, living more responsibly and great things were happening here within the community. May of this year is when my life started to change for the worse, though.
You see, in October of 2017, my father was in a car accident and was deemed "at fault". We previously had some issues with our insurance overcharging us so we had to cancel while we found something else. It was during this brief time that the accident happened. Without any insurance, the other party sued us for $34,000 even though their insurance covered everything on their end. They came after us and relentlessly attacked my father over social media about it. To this day, I'm still not exactly sure how the accident happened, as it happened at 5am and my dad doesn't remember it.
My dad's dealt with pain all his life. He's had multiple surgeries on his back, his knees, and his feet. In 2010, he was diagnosed with colon cancer and was put on Fentanyl. He takes that and Oxycodone for his pain on a daily basis, but what they give him still doesn't help. Unable to sleep from all the pain, he takes Ambien. I believe that the night before the accident he took that Ambien which caused him to sleep walk, get into the car and crash into another person.
Regardless of what happened, the man he hit and his wife both mercilessly and publicly prayed that "this monster is never able to drive again". And they got their wish. In May of this year, my dad went in for a laminectomy, which is a type of back surgery, as a result of his injuries from the accident. While the man he hit did go through PT for a while, he has fully recovered and went back to work, while my father came out of the surgery paralyzed from the waist down.
For the last 8 months my dad has been unable to walk, which has uprooted our entire lives. He spent some time in a Skilled Nursing Facility for physical therapy, but due to poor workplace performance, he was sent back to the hospital three times. He had been starting to regain some feeling in his legs and was able to walk down a hallway with assistance. But he ended up with a terrible bed sore on his lower back, the infection of which started eating through to the bone. He needed yet another back surgery and the doctors said the wound would need at least a year to heal and he was unable to participate in any sort of physical therapy.
He's regressed both physically and emotionally. He's experiencing severe depression from the state that he's in, which hurts my heart. But at the same time, the way he takes his medication, and the amount he takes at one time, causes him to have acute toxic delirium. I won't go into too much detail on it, but basically it means his mental state is a joke. It's impossible to be around him, but we can't just leave him like this.
Though it feels somewhat wrong to me, my father is suing the hospital, the doctor who performed the surgery that paralyzed him, and the nursing facility that gave him the infected bedsore. We have no idea how long the process will take or how much we would get if we won. No matter the amount, it's highly likely all of that would end up going to cover the cost of all his hospital bills and perhaps time in another facility. He's at home now and we simply can't care for him in the condition he's in, but his insurance only covers 100 days in a facility, so we don't have any other options.
Life at home was rough, and it definitely started to get to me emotionally. As a result of all that stuff, I uploaded a vlog on my YouTube channel called "Real Talk: Motivation Is Hard" and in that video, I talked about how I was going to start making physical changes in my life. I joined a gym and started working out with my friend over the summer, while also trying to change my diet. I knew it would be hard going into it, but I knew I had to push through with a positive mental attitude and eventually it would get better.
Except it didn't. Four months of regular exercise and eating healthy only made me feel worse. I was more tired than I usually am and constantly hungry no matter how much I ate. It seemed that the more I worked on my body and health, the worse I felt. Crazy as it sounds, I made the choice to stop working out and change my diet back in order to feel better. Physically, that worked. While I did start to feel better than I did when I was working out, I simply regressed to the old way that I felt, which still wasn't healthy at all. This disappointed me, as you can imagine.
Now what? As my 23rd birthday rolled around, I was left out of college with no job, a weak body, and a depressed mental state. But at least I had this community, right?
I already talked about why I took my break over summer and my, then, feelings about Jack and the channel, so I won't go into detail, but if you didn't know about it, you can read it here.
So I took my break from Tumblr, I moved back to Chicago and suddenly my world shifted again. I had time to reflect, I was away from home and I got to focus more on my writing. I don't think I'm fully over everything that's happened this year, but mentally I'm feeling a lot better. I've made peace regarding my feelings about the community and I'm continuing to work through my feelings with my father.
Going into 2019, my main focus will be finishing my Bachelor's degree. I graduate in a few months and I have some big plans for my creative endeavors. I plan to take more time for self care, which will involve me making a lot more fan art. I will still work towards a healthier body but maybe I'll take it just a bit slower, like starting by cutting excess sugar out of my diet and being more mindful of why I feel a certain way. But more than anything, I'm going to try my best to "leave it in the day". Sometimes life will throw curve balls, and in the new year, I'll do my best to overcome those.
I don't know where the second half of next year will take me, but I hope you'll all be here for me while I figure it out. I'm endlessly grateful for you all. I hope you all find comfort and joy in the new year. Thank you all for your support.
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ultjunsus · 5 years
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Just ranting
Sometimes I really feel like even though I was diagnosed with selective mutism, that I don’t or more that I don’t anymore? Maybe it’s the fact that a lot of people now a days will say someones faking for attention or something along those lines. Even though I know I was diagnosed by a professional my mind tells me that I’m just faking it.
My life living with SM has been really rough. I was never really properly treated, I believe I was just given medication and went to occasional sessions where they didn’t work with me or even really address me. School was a roller coaster where I was fine with my friends but with anyone else it was hell, especially presenting. But I didn’t have a system set up for me and was forced to present even if I was on the verge of tears. And it only got worse as I went into middle and high school. I guess thankfully(?) by the time I went into high school I learned that no one understood why I’d stutter or sometimes have an actual breakdown about presenting or whatever in front of the class and my mom never talked to the school to set up any sort of system for me guess cause she thought I got through fine without it every other year. So I just “got over it” did what I had to and if the breakdown hit after it did. Mentally high school was the roughest part of my life. There were so many days I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I’d have a C in one class and my father would lose his mind about it. And my mom who told me I could always talk to her would yell at me when I tried to tell her I needed a day to stay home due to bad mental health.
I got more comfortable in some classes but even those classes when I had to do certain things it would trigger and I’d shut down and no one would understand. Choir was a big example. I was really comfortable in there with my friends and my teacher but when it came around time for solos or anything where the class or my teacher had to hear me by myself I’d feel myself start to shut down. But I couldn’t explain it to them and I doubt it’d do me much good to try to. So i’d just somehow suffer through whatever it was and nearly breakdown if not completely breakdown after. It was so mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing.
I dunno how everyone else’s feels but I not only feel my ability to speak just stop I also tend to space out entirely and not register much. I get lost in my own head, playing all bad outcomes over and over in my head. I pick at something or fidget with something, or I’ve even rubbed a small portion of my skin raw without realizing it. My breathing becomes short and labored as I literally feel my chest and throat tighten. Sometimes I’ll even end up crying depending on how bad it gets. Maybe its because my untreated SM has stemmed into social and general anxiety as well as depression but its such a horrible experience.
I’m now 21 and I’ve had 1 job and it was possibly the worst experience of my life. The job pushed me to my lowest and I’ve been stuck here since. My breakdowns have been happening more often than I’d like to admit. There was a point where i’d come home and breakdown nearly every day after work. I dreaded going but I couldn’t bring myself to quit. Then Harvey hit and our store flooded and we were expected to go to nearby stores while they remodeled but it took me so long to get at least mostly comfortable with everyone in our salon I couldn’t bring myself to go through all that again with new people it took a lot out of me to do it the first time. That on top of how bad my mental state was because of the job I just couldn’t. So I took that opportunity to quit. I haven’t been employed since but that’s because my mom kept telling me not to because of her and my dad’s clashing work schedules and my lack of license and car so I wouldn’t have a reliable ride to and from. So we put it off.
I quit back in Aug of 2017 and the entire time I’ve been unemployed I’ve felt like garbage for not working but every time i brought it up my mom just brushed it off. Yes I could’ve just gotten a job but I wouldn’t have a ride without her and I didn’t want to burden her with that. Even though my mom brushed it off my dad always brought it up and made me feel like shit about it. My dad never tried to understand what I was going through and was often hypocritical about a lot of things. When i’d sleep for too long because I was depressed he’d yell at me but he could sleep all day if he wanted. In Oct a lot of stuff happened and my parents have ended up separating. My mom doesn’t make enough to cover bills  and groceries. My sister and her family are staying with her us for the time being as well which is a whole nother situation for my anxiety. But due to this my mom applied to for food stamps but because I’m an adult who isn’t working they wanted my psychiatrist (who I haven’t seen since high school because I no longer have insurance) to fill out a form saying i couldn’t work or they wanted me to apply to work force for them to help me get a job. Mind you for the last 3 years I’ve wanted nothing more than to go back to my psychiatrist and get help, especially with how bad my depression is. But I don’t have insurance and because of how shitty our system is I can’t get any so that wasn’t an option. So I was stuck with workforce.
When we went the first time I had forgotten my wallet with my SS and ID which they said I wouldn’t need so we went in to apply or whatever only to find out that I did need it. And in that short not even 5 mins my anxiety spiked so high that it took me 30 mins in the car to calm down. I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me and I was shaking so bad. We went back the next day and I broke down merely filling out the form because someone continued to come over and check on us. It was hard to breathe and I even cried. I hate crying in public I try my best to hold out til I’m at least away from people but I couldn’t. A month prior to all of this I had made plans with my BF to come down for the holidays until after the New year to see him and meet his mom who had come back from Germany and invited me. But when we got the letter that I had to go into the workforce and do stuff I only had like 2 days to do so. We went in the last day and the lady I was sat with (by myself btw) made it very apparent. When I told her the situation she proceeded to be like “todays the last day and you have to come in tomorrow to work with us. What do you want me to do?” in a very condescending tone, talking to me like I’m an idiot. At this point I’m already internally freaking out and I’m trying not to cry again and I start stuttering out an IDK when she cuts me off and calls her supervisor and gets an answer. After that she was oh so sweet to me but before she was very snarky and made me feel like a dumb child. It was back to back questions of “have you worked? How long? Why did you quit?” As if I chose to be unemployed this long without a good reason.
She sent me off and I started walking to my mom and she told me I nearly passed out doing so before I ran outside to just broke down, collapsing on the side walk. I couldn’t enjoy my 3 weeks away from home because all I could think about was coming back and doing that all over again. I could only think about coming back and being talked to like an incompetent child. Being talked to like some lazy idiot who hasn’t worked for the past 2 years out of sheer laziness. I’ve had literal consistent daily breakdowns over this in the past week. I have literally had trouble sleeping because of this. I come home and I try talking to my mom about it because i have to go back before the 9th and she either brushes me off or tells me “Ik you’re uncomfortable” as if me having 3 breakdowns in the same day and nearly passing out was just uncomfortable. Or she’d tell me “idk what you want me to do. I didn’t ask for things to be like this” as if I was saying I was blaming her for this as if I didn’t know what our situation was right now. My mother who always told me I could always go to her about anything won’t listen to me or downplays my anxiety when its literally made the last 3 weeks living hell. I just I don’t understand.
Idk what this post became tbh I’m a mess.
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anyu-blue · 6 years
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Personal
Mobile keep scrolling. Read more vv
Bug infestation fyi.
I'm starting to get really worried...
Living here has turned into an absolute nightmare... It's nice to see the sun and to be on the top floor and have that sort of freedom and all.. but the bedbugs... I can overlook the slightly unpleasant neighbors. The thin walls. The crumbling roof (my ceiling is starting to get really bad). The leaks and places other bugs like to get in. I'm sure our neighbors do the same... But these bugs.
I didn't actually realize how tenacious and TINY they are. A female can only lay one egg a day, but in the buggy would.. that's a lot. And there only needs to be one male and explosions are imminent. Can even be from an egg she just laid, they don't have problems with inbreeding. And while a female can only mate once a day.. a male can mate with all females in his area.
So even one... One tiny, itty bitty bug that's oh so hard to see, let alone feel... Could spell disaster for an entire complex. Because those big ones I've been squashing.. yeah.. they're actually really old comparatively.. and all the new ones that have and will hatch.. smaller than a pin head. I'm only lucky enough to know that thanks to the massively gruesome display in my room rn... There are dozens.. dozens of tiny tiny, so small you wouldn't see them unless you were looking, corpses or possibly carapaces on my pad. With all the powder I've put in there they've dehydrated and ended up stopping where they were looking for food... I hope. I hope they aren't carapaces. They don't look to have moved either way.. I keep checking.. I have pictures.. but millimeters are a lot bigger to them than they are to me.... But I also keep finding more. I thought I'd just missed them initially, but I put something clean down in there a week or two ago and moved it a few days ago only to discover about 6 Tiny little dots on top of it... And a much larger, live buggy under it.
The diatomaceous earth works to a degree and I'm so grateful... But it's obviously not full proof.
....
We need to move. Because Tevie and I can't afford this place on our own...
I mean I MAY have about $200 extra by the end of the month to go towards a deposit on a new place... If our mother doesn't drop the ball on us and refuse to pay rent like she threatened... Which she can't technically legally do because she has so much of her stuff here... But may try anyway and I'm still really angry about...
But even then.. even if I DO have the extra... I can't think of a single place that will take us... Because of the risk. I don't WANT to infest a new place... I'm going insane enough as it is knowing THIS wasn't our fault....
I'm riddled with bites. RIDDLED. And I keep finding more. We even keep powdering... Tevie keeps vacuuming... I keep washing (hot water hot dryer) And the number doesn't go down. It's actually gone up. I didn't realize how bad the back of my arms were until I caught myself in the mirror today.
My legs. My feet. My back, belly, neck, shoulders, FINGERS (those ones suck). These are the ones I just happen to spot.. because they're red and puffy, but only for a maximum of 2 days before they disappear on me... And they've started itching... Due to the sheer number I may be developing the allergy.. or it's probably psychological which also isn't fun.
Who would WANT to take us in?
Even if we find someone.. which I am seriously starting to doubt... We have to get rid of so much... Tevie is distraught... Because she doesn't want to lose her bed.. or the body pillows I saved up to give her as gifts to help her sleep a few years ago... Every time I try to talk about moving she tells me to stop. To shut up... Because if we manage it.. it's going to be so hard. We're losing so much.. and we don't even HAVE that much...
I'm also worried that if we move someplace and some how manage to avoid transporting.... we're not going to be looked kindly on for sleeping/eating/spending so much time on the floor.. the couch where I'm sleeping now, the chair that goes with it, all the beds... All the pads... At least half our pillows. Blankets (especially comforters).. many clothes and our few storage thingys ( specificly ones with too small crevices).. any large/unwashable stuffed animals we still have... It all has to go. There's no way we can guarantee they'll be bug free... I'm honestly terrified I'm going to have to give up my Scooby too... My comfort blanket..
What will a landlord or property manager think when they come to check on us or if we need something repaired?
Most of the furniture we are using isn't ours anyway.. it's our mom's. Lucky me.. we've completely fallen out. There goes the kitchen stuff. Washer. Dryer.
I mean it FEELS bad enough... But for some reason people really judge hard too. We wouldn't be able to to have anyone over because of all we'll lose, and poor Tevie is even more upset because of that too. We will be lucky to have my TV and our games/stations maybe... But not right away because they will need full proof decontamination.. heavy cleaning and freezing if it won't kill them (ie any electronics).. if we can borrow a freezer or have one available to us.
I have already given Tevie my promise that no matter what, she doesn't have to sleep on the floor.. that she can have my hammock since it has made my old injury act up (mostly because I suck at sleeping correctly so I hurt myself unintentionally. Another reason I really miss having a bed.) But it makes her feel worse knowing she'll be taking it from me after I fought so hard for it (it's an old guilt thing having to deal with how she was kept in place specificly). But it's something we can clean and take with us with little danger.. I hope.
I just... UGH what do I do?
If we had.. gods.. idk.. if we had a $1000 gift even... We could manage to start over... to break our lease and throw 95% of stuff out... It would be no less painful, but we could get some cheap dressers or something brand new for storage.. air mattresses or cheap frames and pads for places to sleep.. a large freezer to salvage some clothes and blankets and anything that will survive a deep freeze, plus a place for food storage all in one.. or just a small, cheap new wardrobe if nothing else. Like $50-$75 each... Money for the cost of moving ourselves.. and a deposit, first month's rent.. just a start... Until we could start to save something. Anything.. to get whatever else we may need then want.
But then even a gift of $1000 would also devaste us rn..
Due to the reporting laws, After taxes, it would push us over the minimum income for a family of 2 per month and I'd lose my health insurance (means no meds). We could be turned away from housing due to having too much in the bank... Why are poor people not allowed to have savings anymore? Why is so much demanded up front when the reason people are going into programs is because they DON'T have it??
We could NOT report it.. and then potentially get fined for fraud...
Ugh... A lot of this is worst case scenario stuff... And I could have some things wrong here... But it's what's on my mind... And the very real possibility of living out of a car here in the near future.. if I'm even allowed to keep it. If I'm not... I lose my job, which everyone already knows... My dad will take Tevie and me in in a heartbeat.. but I can't risk infesting his or anyone he gets to help's house. He and our friends can't afford it any more than we can. None of them can.. there's already 7 of my family members living in that 3 bedroom house for Pete's sake... I'd sooner opt to throw ALL my stuff away, even the clothes on my back...
I can't tell what it's going to be yet. How far it all will go.. I just know it's going to be so incredibly difficult no matter what.
...
Slightly unrelated rant here..
Meanwhile my mom doesn't have to worry about a (crumbling) roof over her head because her bf's parents own his place from what I understand. While they may struggle like us to put food on the table here and there, she never has to fear homelessness. She has a bed, a dresser, plenty of furniture, space to be herself, support.. even a bf who wants to give her MORE of all of the above.
... She's also allowed up here with access to everything anytime (I've asked for a heads up of when she does want to be here only so I can be out of her way, but that's too disrespectful of me because she pays her portion of the rent, so she's never here)... And so is never high and dry or fearful... And so feels like it wouldn't be a terrible move to just drop this place and us altogether. To take what she wants and/or needs and leave without fear.
Tevie and I are on the brink of losing everything... And she just doesn't care. I'm still angry about that too. About her lies in caring about us.. because she clearly doesn't. She doesn't HAVE to go through this with us and has chosen not to. And I don't think there's anything I CAN do about that either. I wouldn't want to go through this either.. I mean I REALLY don't want to be going through it right now.. but I, for one, have refused to abandon my sister. My job. My pet. And my hobbies (for now).. which means keeping my clothes (work has dress code).. mandatory decent night's rests.. fighting the infestation/dealing with bites... Working on moving/losing stuff all by myself... It's exhausting.. and I'm terrified.. but I can't just run away from it... (Especially cuz I got no monies to do so).. I'm mad because she CAN.. perhaps, actually, jealous is a better word than mad... because I understand. As twisted and backwards as her logic is in a lot of places.. self preservation is pretty smart technically.. and dropping all of this does mean less stress for her which is important to life...
*sigh*... I think I will need to ask for help soon... I'm the thinker.. and I am struggling to think my way through this.
I'm struggling to find a way to remain or even BECOME independent like I want to be... ESPECIALLY Because of these bugs... If we could just move.. if there were no bed bugs. If the only obstacle was getting a place we could afford and moving Into that place.. we could do it... But losing near everything in order to do it... To have to rebuild so much.... (Beds.. heck FURNITURE is expensive)... I don't think we can do that.. not alone.
Not that, hey, a table is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.. nor are chairs (posture can be worked on and upheld without those)... Nor are many pillows and blankets. One should do a person each... In Montana Winters it can get difficult.. but it's easily possible to sleep in sweaters and layers and stuff... Keep your head propped up carefully and it may be possible to avoid getting colds and back aches from sleeping on the floor too. And cats.. well they do need perches.. that bit IS important.. but they will gladly curl up next to you and in clothes to keep warm
..
Maybe I am overthinking... Maybe it's a GOOD thing to get rid of pretty much everything... I mean.. we don't NEED all of it... It's just nice.. don't need a dresser or books or a lot of clothes or a bed, really... We're human. We're animals... We're the only ones who have 'need' of these comforts and convieniences I'm so sad to lose... A nest is nice, but shelter is more important.. as is food.
Maybe... Maybe I can track down a 1 bedroom place we can afford instead of looking for a 2 bedroom and getting pegged with double the ridiculous prices... I mean.. without having living room stuff... The living room is just a room, right? It's technically my bedroom right now even... any kept TVs and electronics don't need to be off the floor if they're not plugged in...
... why am I freaking out exactly?
Well I certainly don't want to track in any bedbugs to a new place... That is valid... But the rest of it.. the rest of it does seem rather silly. I don't need to keep nearly as much as I want to. ... I suppose my biggest challenge now may be is working with Tevie to see this and be okay with it too...
Yay 3am second-wind ^^
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didsomeonesayventus · 7 years
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idk i try to keep things a-okay on here but i just really need to vent on like.
everything.
god fucking dammit don’t you just love working twice as hard as your superior only to make like, what, a few dollars an hour less? yeah, checking salary data online my assistant manager, the one that DID NOT impress the area manager or whatever the hell the boss of my boss is, is making like roughly 4$ more than me every hour to do half as good a job in.. anything. Did I fucking mention her boss saw me working with her and someone else and mentioned to the actual manager he was only impressed with me??? god she can’t even be bothered to refill coins or fucking count the safe properly but will spend all her time in the back and make everyone else take on a workload she should be taking on herself because we’re already short staffed here and still losing people but no she’s getting fucking paid more than me- who drives myself to panic attacks to try keep up with making sure things are actually moving along and that people get their food -to basically sit on her ass and become dead weight that ends with me leaving later than I should. Fuck she tells me I work too hard, move too fast, but bitch I bet it’s because you can’t get on my damn level you mid-life crisis piece of shit. You’re like. at least 40. You’ve been a teacher. Why can’t you do better than Panda Express Assistant Manager that you didn’t even actually earn from what I hear you just schmoozed to the manager at your last location and didn’t get actual training to be a manager of any sort.
I can’t figure out groceries, I don’t know how to cook nor do I have motivation to so whatever I do get ends up spoiling, so I’m wasting so much money of my already small paycheck  (30-36 hours a week on 10.50$ an hour, pay every other week with roughly 15% of that taken for taxes)  eating out and even then not giving myself any sort of proper nutrition. I don’t exercise enough either or keep up with showers and teeth brushing and laundry like a person should be so I’m fucking withering away in full out shrug emoji and getting fat and unhealthy and letting everything decay okay maybe im not that bad but I really don’t care.
I can’t afford to go back to college this semester because I’ve been paying rent to my parents (and that ridiculous 450$ a month is due to go up because they could be selling our house for more than they got it for but can’t because me and my older brother are still living here so COMPENSATION I GUESS) and paying for my car (repairs AND gas for a clunker old enough to drive itself and bare minimum insurance) and paying for food and maybe SOMETHING to live for and make me feel okay for just a moment that’s like. stupid cheap generally less than 10$ in terms of price and generally having trouble limiting myself to stricter budgeting so I can actually save up and GOD DAMN don’t get me started on how the college down the street is so fucking packed that I can’t really take any courses unless I signed up like, back in may and I still don’t even know WHY I’m going to college besides “has to” and I can’t bother to fill out FAFSA and like fuck anyone would give me a scholarship since I’m so firmly average and so many people need it more than me.
I still have to make at least 10 job applications or I’m getting 100$ added to my rent because I guess if I hate my job so much why aren’t I getting another when I have no college degree no marketable skills and have been stuck in fast food for two years and therefore have no experience in anything desireable and I don’t know myself enough to sell myself  gee I wonder why I don’t have a better job dad :)))))) I can’t even really say im bright and cheery because that is fading and fading fast because of this damn job where I have no support and constant stress.
I have so much shit in my life i need to fix up. I’m turning 21 this year, I’m getting all these messages about how I should be moved out and on my own and going to college for something I’m so incredibly passionate about and living that wonderful youth life and maybe backpack across the country or whatever.
I have no passions. Art is a distraction and a hobby and no one likes it enough to buy it for dirt cheap anyways (that lunafreya piece came out to about 21$ in my commission pricing and took me like. probably 3 or 4 hours???? which translates to 7$/hour at best and 5.25$/hour at worst???????????) I can’t even write on my rp blog, the last little bastion of any of my love for writing and I don’t fucking care enough about grammar and all that to bother with going for an english major and I don’t have any stories long enough to merit writing and publishing and what’s finished is fucking stupid and not going to get a second glance.
but guess what I keep falling back on doing all these stupid drawings and losing myself in characters and hiding all this pain behind them like that makes it okay but no everyone comes out so fucking OOC to me because I impose so much of my hurt and sadness onto them heck YMX isn’t even fucking YMX anymore I’ve latched onto him so hard to give myself some way of pitying myself without actually pitying myself. you guys can go ahead and say it I’ve fucking ruined him he’s not even an actual character anymore I’ve stripped away literally anything that merits him as a younger Xehanort. You can also say I’ve completely lost sight of who Ventus is as a character and just keep writing fucking 2006-era Roxas.
god i want help. i want help so bad but i don’t feel like i actually need it i just need to get over myself and get moving but i can’t i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes cuz I just wanna keep sleeping and fuck work and fuck doing anything give me a twelve fucking year coma please and let me wake up talented and pretty and loved and actually worth giving a damn about and if not strangle me on those stupid christmas lights I got last year in a silly attempt to be festive and later to try and give some sort of aesthetic to my kleptomaniac’s bedroom at least I’ll give my life a nice poetic send-out. 
I can’t even get help anyways my parents just likely spent a fortune on my sister in hospital visits and therapy appointments because she revealed she was suicidal earlier this year (which fucking wrecked me I knew she was a mess but not that bad) and she’s so much better now and I’m so happy she is and her dog is kinda stupid and needs more walks but Matilda at least makes her happy but we can’t go through that song and dance again with me. We cant have two mental health crises in this family in one year and I most definitely cant ask for help i’ll look like an attention-seeking brat. that’s probably what I am I’m the second eldest out of five and a girl who didn’t have a mom figure I could approach for most of my life and don’t know how to approach my dad or step mother. no one will see i need help just that im looking for attention. fuck man that’s not even getting into how I’ve been in therapy before and in hindsight it feels fucking wasted whoo boy can’t wait to waste money again.
im tired.
I’m just kinda here. 
I’m not even sure if I could call it surviving.
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cantskank · 4 years
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so i just talked to my mom!  and it was a FUCKING mess!
like.  i never want to talk about what’s going on with work stuff cause tbh right now i’m fucking miserable and i actually hate what i’m doing but idk if it’s just covid-related stuff blocking me or if i should actually just give up.
anyway i told her i didn’t wanna talk about it today (we talk at least once a week and i always give a brief answer on what’s going on with stuff) and it turned into like a whole thing where to her i’m like withholding and trying to not have a close relationship with her.
which maybe it’s a little correct?  but at least part of the reason i keep myself emotionally a bit distant from her is that i don’t trust her to react well to me.  like if i were to tell her the truth (like, ‘oh x is not going well for me’) she would pick me apart?  which she already started doing once i told her i didn’t want to talk about work
anyway it devolved a bit into talking about how she doesn’t want to talk about the things i care about either which she like totally didn’t understand (lots of ‘oh but that’s just how i am’ I KNOW THAT’S HOW YOU ARE BUT I AM MY OWN PERSON AND REACT IN DIFFERENT WAYS TO THINGS TOO)
then it became ‘oh well i guess you don’t want to have the sort of closeness with me that i have with my mother’ which like.  fine.  if you want to be that reductionist sure.  i was trying to explain how i’ve never felt understood in the family and i’ve learned to accept that sometimes (all the time) i don’t get to talk about what i care about with anyone and it’s not somehow different when it’s you talking about feelings but okay be very accusatory and turn me into the awful person for things
like maybe the reason i don’t share feelings with you is because you do this to me
and it’s like, from my perspective i always play by your rules at least a little bit.  like i kinda knew it might not end well but i set a boundary and that was Not Acceptable.  (i pointed this out to her but it was totally disregarded and ‘no i’m right because you never talk to me anyways’, i guess having a boundary means less if i’ve previously been reluctant to talk about something before.) 
AND the whole thing was also brought about kinda because she asked if i was considering dropping my phd and i basically answered ‘maybe but i’m not looking to make any changes right now’.  and despite her past reassurances of ‘oh if it’s not working out it’s fine, we’ll always support you, blah blah blah’ of course that did not go over well, it became ‘well why has it taken so long for you to write, why aren’t you updating me, etc etc’.  and when i expressed my discomfort/frustration at that attitude that was when it really blew up
like um.  maybe me sharing that is proving the point that you’re not someone i can trust??? 
like i know that i tend to set very particular expectations for how people treat me in friendships (and i can think of some moments in my childhood that come from her that might have caused that mindset in me) but like. that’s my safety mechanism!!  i’m sorry that i’m someone who would rather be alone than have a friend that didn’t treat me the way i wanted and really deeply care about them while being treated like shit
anyway then my dad came to see what was going on and like. i get on naturally with my dad much better than with my mom probably.  like we have similar personalities (except he like. works very hard and i am lazy as fuck) and we have similar music tastes (and have gone to shows together) and are both much more chill.  and a big difference between him and my mom is that he actually listens and pays attention to what i say (although having him around/getting his attention is much more difficult). 
so he comes in and takes the phone and tries to talk to me.  he has no clue what’s going on and i don’t want to explain the situation with my mom right there in case i say something she doesn’t like and it re-sparks the argument.  also i’m crying (and i never cry in front of anyone if i can help it) so i don’t even really want to try speaking.  so he guesses that i’m upset because i’m stressed, and it’s not untrue (though absolutely not the main reason at the moment), since stress is why i didn’t want to talk about stuff at the beginning.  so he starts trying to give advice like get out of my apartment more (which i’ve actually been like doing the last few days so i haven’t been doing so badly on that front) which i appreciated!  it was just challenging to have my mom right there and not even feel like i could get comforted by my dad?  or get comforted about the right thing?
like she’s super sensitive about not being favorite i think- which like i know i’m not either of my parents’ favorite, so it feels kinda hypocritical; i’ve gotten used to it and never complained, so like why does she get to make it a big deal?- and if i’m honest i do prefer talking to my dad.  which like she’s winning anyways, bc dad’s around less and so i talk to her more anyways. 
anyway, what i’m saying is i can’t get comforted by my dad because i can’t explain the full situation without her saying ‘oh so you’ll talk to dad?  you clearly don’t care about me‘ and it’s just like!!  i should get to receive comfort without you making it about yourself!  literally all i’m doing wrong is disagreeing with you and i’m still trying to care about your feelings
idk that’s basically it.  she’s pissed since i don’t care enough to tell her how i feel about work and i just want to like be my own person (
oh yeah and also there was stuff in there about ‘i’m just concerned with how you’re struggling in quarantine, you should maybe See Someone’ meaning therapy and i undoubtedly need therapy but 1 i’ve been waiting until i’m off my parent’s health insurance so she won’t know (like idk how it works anyway but i’m never telling her if i go to therapy so i’m just waiting until then) and 2 everyone’s struggling right now and 3 IT’S A SHITTY FUCKING MOVE TO TELL SOMEONE THEY SHOULD GET THERAPY IN RESPONSE TO THEM TELLING YOU THEY THINK THEY MIGHT BE CONSIDERING QUITTING THEIR JOB.  like if you were ~~sooooOOOOoo concerned~~ why haven’t you floated this by months ago?  only now you bring it up?  when i’m not behaving the way you want/expect?  therapy for me to get me back to feeling the ‘right’ emotions??  she’s told me i should maybe go to therapy before although in that case it was sending me to therapy and i was 14 or 15 and struggling with having moved.  like she’s only brought it up twice and those were when i wasn’t ‘behaving’ myself as expected.  therapy is not something you like threaten/bring in to ‘correct’ when someone is feeling a way you don’t think they should be.  like if you’re really thinking i should go to therapy then you should be suggesting it out of support?  when you feel like you really understand how i’m feeling/what i’m going through?  and not as something to bring me back into line.
anyway then she texted and basically said ‘sorry and i guess i’ll stop trying to be (part of) your support network, i’ll assume you’ve got other people looking out for you’ which like...? what?  okay?  like even as a teen i was having to be the more mature one and this is another passive-aggressive thing i have to deal with.  and in the past i might have apologized?  but nowadays my tolerance for that bullshit is extremely low.  so i just said ‘not what i was going for but you do you’ essentially and she texted back ‘what were you going for’ and i haven’t responded yet.  i will presumably but probably not tonight, i cannot deal.  i don’t even know where to start with that, she just really does not get it.  and i thought i could almost make her get it today by explaining my perspective but all she wants to think about is herself and her perspective and how she’s right. 
so basically i’m very done with things tonight.  and i’ve cried a couple times since because i’m just feeling very shitty about everything.  here’s hoping tomorrow is better.
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wgfjmj758-blog · 5 years
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Car insurance help. please help me?
Car insurance help. please help me?
I am buying a 2011 camaro 2lt. Now here is what I am thinking. If i put my car under my dad s insurance will my insurance also be lower if i am listen under my dad s insurance and as one of the people who drives the car instead of having the car under my insurance?
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average cost of teenage auto insurance
average cost of teenage auto insurance
average cost of teenage auto insurance
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