technicolordeams

[technicolordeams]

It's been a while since I last wrote. Recently I have been doing better overall. But when that time of the month comes around and as holidays start coming around as well as my birthday, I start to get moodier and the depression kicks into high gear like summertime. I have been doing better though. The suicidal thoughts and desires are almost all gone. Got a new trauma therapist, meds stable, gained about 3lbs, and have a boyfriend. But yesterday and today have hit me hard. I think it's from feeling lonely and my period that's coming. At least yesterday I was able to focus on something and had desires. Today is worse. I don't want to do anything except sleep or curl up and cry. Had vivid dreams a lot lately too. Some not so nice. Last night there was death involved with someone I cared for. Other nights my dreams are full of fear that the people who hurt me show up/they do and I and terrified. I can't stay asleep even with my sleep aid either.

I just want this month to be over. I used to look forward to Christmas. It was beautiful to me. But for years now I dread it and my birthday that is the day after. Not that I'm getting older, that doesn't bother me. Just the fact that it happens upsets me. Mostly jealous of people who get to celebrate theirs without tears. Mine I usually spend all alone and nobody cares about it because Christmas and people my age all have their own families and all that jazz. I expect I'll be alone again this year. I don't even know what I want to do at home while alone this time. I expect I'll just sleep as much as possible and try and not think about it being that day.

#depression #birthday #christmas #mini rant

[technicolordeams]

I don’t feel like eating so I’m writing instead. 

I did go through the outpatient program, but I cut it short. I was doing the online version of it so it was 2 group things over zoom, meet with a therapist once a week over zoom, and see a psychiatrist every day over zoom. That was it. And most of the time for the group things we could barely hear anything. We couldn’t really interact or participate. So I cut it short. Did get my meds changed up though and got a sleep aid. That’s helped but now I have night sweats again and I’m having vivid dreams. And I fall asleep in my chair randomly at night. 

I was doing good for a bit. But then I lost a friendship- or lack thereof. Had to cut it off because it was just upsetting me a lot. I also had a panic attack from a toy that my parents got my dog. It sounded like he was getting sick so I freaked. That was exhausting. Ran out of the house and hid in my car for a while trying to breathe and self soothe myself saying I’ll be okay it’s just a sound. Dad didn’t even know I had run past him out the house. Neither did my mom. Dad just sighed like he usually does when I tell him something happened and bothered me like it’s a nuisance. That was nice. Then I met with my trauma therapist after doing the outpatient stuff. It didn’t go well. I requested to go back to my regular therapist but she’s apparently going into consulting and might not be able or willing to take me back. That devastated me. I don’t want to have to go looking for a new therapist again. I hate it. I just don’t like my trauma therapist very much in the way that she works. I had to write and email to her explaining why I was wanting to leave her and that was nerve wracking. 

Then I got a call from vocational rehabilitation regarding helping me get a job. The suicidal ideations were a red flag and she was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle a job right now because I had been dealing with that shit for the past year. The lady that’s supposed to call me about SSI and work has not called me in a month and she was concerned about that as well.

Then I couldn’t find my dog outside. I heard the squealing of tires speeding away and I panicked and started running around the house until I found him just on the side like nothing was wrong. I just finally was able to break down and cry. I had been wanting to cry but couldn’t. Even when I was crying outside because I was afraid someone took my dog or something (there’s been trouble in my neighborhood as of late and I’m even scared to be in my yard alone with my dog), I couldn’t cry for very long. I feel it inside of me. I want to cry so so bad but I can’t get it out. I don’t know how to get it out of me. The suicidal ideations have subsided a lot but the feeling of ‘I just can’t handle things right now so I’ll just sit here and do mindless stuff’ and negative thoughts/feelings are overwhelming me. I don’t know what to do anymore about this. I’ve tried a program already. I’ve tried med change. I’ve tried trauma therapy that didn’t go anywhere. I’ve tried focusing on a project. I’ve tried focusing on my dog. I’ve tried listening to more positive things and all that shit. It’s just piling back up slowly. I don’t know what I should do next. Like... do I commit myself? I’m hoping if I can land a job that it’ll help my mood but it might not... But I have so many bills to pay that I can’t keep up and I have very little money for food. I’m going to have to talk to my parents about it. Like I can’t anymore. It’s not enough and I’m stressing. I’ve spent over $100 in just freaking meds this month. I just want to hide in a hospital right now but I know I can’t. Plus I’d be super bored and my freedom would be limited a LOT, especially privacy of any sort. But I just want to get away somewhere for a while. The world is so dangerous right now though... I wish someone could help.

I should find food though right now... Oh yeah. And I had a couple of asian ladies telling me that- after looking at a picture of me last year- and looking at me now (thinner) that I should stay the way I am now. I was chubby. But the way I was last year I felt a lot safer with my appearance. They said I was like a mom and chubby and older. I look better thinner. I look younger. This upset me so much but nobody really stepped in to stop it. Dad did try and change the topic though thankfully. He knew it wasn’t right and he was trying to help. But I was getting agitated and wanted out. They even said if a friend looked at me then and looked at me now they wouldn’t recognize me. I told them I didn’t have any. That was an uncomfortable silence that followed. Then they just changed the topic or whatever. I was barely paying attention at that point. These were friends of my mom. The couple we were visiting got a house so they invited us over. I should have stayed home. You don’t tell that to people who have eating disorders... That will ruin them. I am glad for my mom that she’s not like them. I can see one girl that I met online... She’s very strong with having to deal with that shit growing up constantly from her mother. I am so proud of her and how far she’s come despite what her mother has said. Asian parents can be horrible... And I only spent 3 hours with them. She spent most of her life with them... I can’t imagine the pain.

But yeah. I’m envying a hospital bed right now where I can just curl up and just be.

#truama #depression #escape #lost #rant #crying #eating disorder

[technicolordeams]

I want someone to make me forget. Even for a little while...

[technicolordeams]

Sitting here as I marinate my hair because I'm dying it pink, I'm contemplating how to write a timeline of events that happened in my life that had a big impact on me for therapy. I don't know how to do this honestly. I struggled so hard just trying to figure out what it is I need from others to support me when I'm struggling. I'm kind of afraid of the things that I remember. Mostly childhood stuff and then recent stuff from this year... And of course my months in an ED treatment facility. I still start to struggle to talk about details of what happened to me at the first one. I start losing the ability to breathe and stay calm. The images are fuzzy, but the feeling of intense fear can still be overwhelming. That has not left me, regardless of what concoction of medication I'm put on.

I think my trauma therapist is starting to agree with me that I have C-PTSD from the things I've told her and research about it. The stupidest things trigger me. Like intense summer sun on me. Sometimes that triggers me to start having flashbacks of when the lady first came to the hospital to evaluate me and bring me to the program. She brought me out in my wheelchair and took me outside and gave me a brownie to eat. (I wasn't allowed to walk for like 4-5 months)

I don't know where to start. I might need her help or someone else who can support me while I work on it... But who do I even ask? :/

#ptsd #trauma

[technicolordeams]

I met a guy today in a discord server I joined... I think it might be okay to have him as a friend. We'll see. We're playing Dark Souls

I am struggling with insomnia though now it feels like. Fell out of my bed last night too lol I was so out of it, I just remember my parents coming in and me climbing back into bed as my dad replaced the blankets back on me. My hip really hurts though. XD I'm just surprised I didn't hit my head on my end table. So weird...

#friendship #insomnia #trauma

[technicolordeams]

🎐

[technicolordeams]

I open tumblr, I talk to myself then I leave

[technicolordeams]

I was finally able to talk to my dad last night about my sudden mood shift. I had a pretty decent time trip a week and a half ago where I was really getting some things done. But Sunday I ended up getting triggered I think by my therapist. I wanted to talk about the cyber bullying I had encountered and the people who called me their friend dumped me and I was anxious to being it up because I don't know how to talk about it, especially without showing her the evidence of what was said. (Yeah I screenshotted them. I'm not a dumbass and know when I should probably keep documentation just in case.) But when I started getting some of it out, it was starting to upset me a lot because I felt betrayed and manipulated. I asked her what can we do to help me get past my fear of getting close to ANYONE and she didn't really say much. Told me join some discords that focuses on things I like. I've been trying that for several months now. It doesn't work. Either the ones I join are filled with kids like 13-14 or some shit or I get yucky IMs from creeper guys. Not interested. Even if I did find a discord that I liked based around something I like, I am still too scared to get close. So I usually just hover in the background commenting a little bit here and there. Not letting anyone too close.

And during my therapy session I just had a terrible urge to start digging my nails into my arms. It's still there, but more bearable. I don't want to hopscotch trauma therapists, but I just don't sit well with her. I'm going to look around again for a better one later this week maybe.

Lastly, someone asked how I was doing and I answered honestly that I was struggling with self harm. My reply was ignored and he started talking about something else... Idk. And I tried talking to the only person who stood up for me during that crap, but she's got a LOT of crap to deal with and she just ignores me for the most part.

There is one nice guy I think who I've been talking to about stuff and he wants to help and be there for me because I have been alone with this way too much. I'm just scared I'll be too much for him so idk what to do.

All I want to do right now is make them understand how much they hurt me and then I'll disappear. Won't happen but it'd be nice...it's just draining my energy so bad... Along with some health problems I'm going through and usually on my own...

I just don't want to become another statistic for people who commit suicide.

#trauma #depression #cyberbullying #anxiety

[technicolordeams]

I don't understand. So I have been seeing a trauma therapist for about a month now because I've got some shit to work out and regular therapy wasn't going anywhere because I again have serious shit to work out. I'm not sure really what I'm supposed to expect.

But shouldn't it have less awkward gaps of silence after I tell her something? And shouldn't there be an actual game plan for how to work through specific problems I am struggling with? And also shouldn't I not like... I don't know. It just doesn't seem like it's going to go anywhere. Plus she seems distracted part of the time. I don't feel like I'm going to get better from this. I'm trying really hard but she doesn't even give me something to do during the week aside from once to get me out of the house. I did that but I'm limited on funds and with the virus prominent, where the hell can I go that is safe for my sick ass?

I don't want to hopscotch around therapists too quickly. But I need help. The outpatient program is not contacting me at all or my therapist so I'm sort of writing that off already. The first trauma therapist I TRIED to go see made me seem like I was not important enough to contact when something happened and instead left me waiting for like a half hour in the lobby before the receptionist got a hold of her for me. And when she asked if I could wait for another half hour and I said I couldn't, my parents had to work and my dad drove me, she said she'd contact me to reschedule. Never f'ing happened. I tried contacting her but no response. So I dropped her bitch ass.

This year is not a good year to go through mental health issues... Especially the suicidal ideations... Fought that yesterday half way through therapy but all she was focused on was, "do you know who to contact if this gets worse?" Yada yada yada. Wasn't going to call her though. I'd rather call a stranger on the hotline than talk to her right now. Ugh...

#trauma #therapy #neglect #suicidal #tw suicice

[technicolordeams]

So my therapist gave me the idea to write "release" letters to people who have hurt me. This is going to be a very daunting task for me to try because there has been a lot of hurtful things people have said/done to me in my life. I do kind of want to write it on paper because I do need to practice writing and not just typing or like texting... But part of me wants to put part of them up here. Although that might not be a good idea for me to do.

She also told me about making a timeline of my life about major events or things that were very impactful to me. And some silly stuff too if I want as well. It can have both happy or sad times or anything really. That might be easier for me to do. Maybe. But I wouldn't put that one up online anywhere because I would like to keep some of my identity a secret.

Anyone have any good ways to go about doing either one of these endeavors? What has helped you keep on track and not lose control of your emotions having to do these things? 😞

#trauma #depression #release letter #timeline #emotional

[technicolordeams]

[technicolordeams]

thinking that what happened “wasn’t bad enough” is a sign that it was.

your brain wouldn’t be trying to protect itself from the reality of what happened if what happened didn’t hurt you.

questioning if your trauma “counts” as trauma is a sign of trauma.

[technicolordeams]

This water is VEGAN???? *spits it out* bring me some meat water you punk clown

[technicolordeams]

do you ever read fanfiction so good you wish it was a book that you could buy and put on some shelf in your bedroom and gaze at sometimes and remember how amazing that motherfucker was instead of having to squint at it on your too bright phone screen at 3 am

[technicolordeams]

I don't know when it started. I thought they legitimately were good people aside from the hazing and crude jokes. They didn't bother me too much unless it regarded my faith or something deeply personal that I felt strongly about. Maybe they were while I was with them the first several years, before I had to leave due to my mental and my physical health deteriorated to where I could have died. Maybe they were already like this but I turned a blind eye and was just happy that they made me feel wanted and included me in a lot of things. I know for sure I did look away and just followed along so I'd be one of them. I just really wanted friends and they always told me they cared, take care of myself, and protected me from some things/people. But I don't know when all of it shifted.

Last year for sure things were not going to be the same. I figured as much. I had gone through a lot to become healthier. We were all adults and doing adult things, except for me. I was trying but I was starting to hit a brick wall. New people were involved. I was no longer part of the "inner circle" anymore. One had left because of some bad things that happened but we reconnected. But there was still a change.

I don't care much about the girls involved at all really. I care more about how I was no longer allowed to be close to my 'friends' anymore. Drama was created from what I thought was just normal banter and kinda going back to how things were, obviously with a few changes. A boundary that I wasn't going to cross. I just wanted to be with my friends like I used to be. But now I was being pushed away. Double standards were placed. I was no longer allowed to talk to them about things that bugged me like I used to be able to do before.

I don't want to say the girls changed the dynamic because I honestly don't know if that's what happened. Maybe it was there before them but I didn't notice. Didn't notice or just wanted to keep my place with them so I turned a blind eye to some actions.

Yes, we're all adults now. We've left the community that kept us together even if it was a terrible place to be. We have lives we need to build. Become independent. Spread our wings finally. Except I couldn't really spread mine and unforseen circumstances popped up with my health again and I was struggling. And then the subtle manipulation and lies. Being yelled at. Learning that private things I talked to someone about was not kept confidential. I wasn't allowed to be very close to my guy friends. And when I finally put my foot down and started crumbling...

Maybe they were like this from the beginning. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe something happened to create this giant rift that I can't get passed. Who knows what caused this friendship dynamic to change into something that made me feel very unsafe that I had to cut all ties with them. Even laying here in bed curled up under my weighted blanket I don't feel safe. The voices in my head keep suggesting that I hurt myself. That if they find out how deeply I was hurt by their actions- or lack thereof- they would reach out. But I know that would never happen. So I need to figure out how to release them from my heart. Create closure for myself. I hope somehow I can.

#depression #lonely #cyberbullying #lies #fear #suicidal #losses

[technicolordeams]

You are now realizing every single pet Vergil has owned has tried to murder Dante.

[technicolordeams]

Different Types of Squads in the Obey Me

Want more love squad: Asmodeus, Barbatos

Cute nickname squad: Beelzebub, Leviathan, Belphegor

“So, you chosen death” squad: Diavolo, Simeon, Solomon, Satan

Banging their head on a desk and screaming, “FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU” squad: Mammon, Lucifer