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fracturedporcelaindoll · 21 days

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Dear diary,

I'm the type of girl who'd want the cliche romance with crush, the amusement park dates, late night drives or conversations, the matching couple clothing, the holding hands, gentle affectionate in public, the little inside jokes and bdsm aspects too.~

But I'm also the girl that's too shy to start conversation, the one no one gives a second glance too. I can wear anything even more costume aesq aesthetic attire and still remain alone, sure maybe the occasional looks from others over outfit choice but thats about it.~

If my nerves get too much I'd run and hide or freeze in situations it's just instinctual at this point.~

I suppose obsessively working out is better than being lazy though to be fair I have my lazy days too where motivation is next to 0.~

I realized as much as overhaul dresses are adorably cute that I dont feel comfortable wearing them because I dont think I am thin enough to look ideally goregous or adorably cute in them.~

I get these moods to pair my wardrobe down to fitting into a suitcase and just go somewhere drift from place to place etc.~

I just can't decide to go with totally only the cutest outfits or the plain but comfortable outfits. ~

I want to shower those I like in generous affectionate tho I often stop myself because whose to say they'd appreciate it or want such attention or affection.~

Is it pathetic that the only people I could consider an optional acquaintance/friend is a barista that I occasionally visit the cafe from time to time to draw and share drawings with?~

I am not even sure if we are friends probably not since we dont meet up outside of cafe or when she's not working. We don't text or hangout ot gossip. I just listen to what she talks about with the other baristas offer compliments on her attire and encouragement. She in return kindly appreciates my drawings. Regardless I appreciate the kindness and often think of dropping off cookies or other things like that would like to think she and her coworkers would appreciate. I don't though because I don't want to be weird if it'd be unappreciated or unwanted etc. ~

Maybe not this month but some month I feel like I may just permanently end my cell service contract as why have it when if necessary there are other methods of contact such as email that require no public speaking.

I read this novel a fanfiction on NCIS with dinozzo as lead for romantic interest and the fictional character Ellie created to be the female love interest. Ellie is shy and due to trama while she can physically talk she signs to talk. I feel like that I would do that too if I knew sign language but I am not very academically smart so learning sign language would be difficult.~

I suppose the point is I'd rather have to be accepted for me choosing not to speak rather then it being viewed as weird. If taking orders from written notes in public cafes was considered semi normal that would be nice~