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fracturedporcelaindoll · 7 days

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Dear diary,

I'm the type of girl who'd want the cliche romance with crush, the amusement park dates, late night drives or conversations, the matching couple clothing, the holding hands, gentle affectionate in public, the little inside jokes and bdsm aspects too.~

But I'm also the girl that's too shy to start conversation, the one no one gives a second glance too. I can wear anything even more costume aesq aesthetic attire and still remain alone, sure maybe the occasional looks from others over outfit choice but thats about it.~

If my nerves get too much I'd run and hide or freeze in situations it's just instinctual at this point.~

I suppose obsessively working out is better than being lazy though to be fair I have my lazy days too where motivation is next to 0.~

I realized as much as overhaul dresses are adorably cute that I dont feel comfortable wearing them because I dont think I am thin enough to look ideally goregous or adorably cute in them.~

I get these moods to pair my wardrobe down to fitting into a suitcase and just go somewhere drift from place to place etc.~

I just can't decide to go with totally only the cutest outfits or the plain but comfortable outfits. ~

I want to shower those I like in generous affectionate tho I often stop myself because whose to say they'd appreciate it or want such attention or affection.~

Is it pathetic that the only people I could consider an optional acquaintance/friend is a barista that I occasionally visit the cafe from time to time to draw and share drawings with?~

I am not even sure if we are friends probably not since we dont meet up outside of cafe or when she's not working. We don't text or hangout ot gossip. I just listen to what she talks about with the other baristas offer compliments on her attire and encouragement. She in return kindly appreciates my drawings. Regardless I appreciate the kindness and often think of dropping off cookies or other things like that would like to think she and her coworkers would appreciate. I don't though because I don't want to be weird if it'd be unappreciated or unwanted etc. ~

Maybe not this month but some month I feel like I may just permanently end my cell service contract as why have it when if necessary there are other methods of contact such as email that require no public speaking.

I read this novel a fanfiction on NCIS with dinozzo as lead for romantic interest and the fictional character Ellie created to be the female love interest. Ellie is shy and due to trama while she can physically talk she signs to talk. I feel like that I would do that too if I knew sign language but I am not very academically smart so learning sign language would be difficult.~

I suppose the point is I'd rather have to be accepted for me choosing not to speak rather then it being viewed as weird. If taking orders from written notes in public cafes was considered semi normal that would be nice~

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theereina · 28 days

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IG: trapezoidmouth

Vixen Beauty

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where are u putting ur hands first?!

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🌀🌀🌀 [ shot by @ohseephotography ]

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bl00dfroma-fairy · 2 months

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themaymorning · 13 days

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fracturedporcelaindoll · 16 days

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Dear diary,

I decided to venture out and spent some time browsing in one of my favorite shops.

I almost got some drawing books but figured it was better to wait then do so besides I already have a drawing book and can always google references for drawing material ideas or at least that's why I am postponing buying them~

I also saw some adorable plushies/stuffies,

I dont know why I like the miniature ones so much, they just make me melt from the cuteness although practically they would be decorative pieces for shelves as too little to properly squeeze with a hug or cuddle with~

Due to that reasoning I avoided buying them although I was tempted especially by a s'more shaped one. I then took my time walking down to one of the cafes. It's really quite nice out despite the chilly air and cloudy skies that show it will eventually rain again. ~

It must be an unoffical day to take your girlfriend or boyfriend out on a date, saw a lot of adorable couples and some groups of girls having a girls day out shopping etc. Sometimes I wish I could join in but it's not like you can stumble over some exchanged compliments and become insta besties or part of the group~

I'd like to have an affectionate guy walk with me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead and there was a couple that were sitting on a swing the girl had her head in his lap and he just played with her hair while they laughed over some intimate conversation~

I almost photographed them because it was so beautiful but thought it'd be rude to try too and am no professional so instead I photographed a beautiful tabby cat with emerald eyes and grumpy looking expression on his face~

The pastries in the cafe were gorgeous so photographed them as well. I am going to have to be extra strict with my diet tomo and the next few weeks to make up for weakness of getting a pastry, I couldn't get the two I wanted most because paying 8 for a mini circle of cheesecake no matter how decadent looking is too expensive~ the other was an ornate cupcake that was too beautiful to image ruining by eating so I settled for the very reasonable cheap priced cinnamon roll and their specialty latte of the month~

I probably ruined whatever attractiveness I had by eating that but oh well, sometimes you just have to do stuff to make you feel happy even if it's only temporary~

Besides I am going to make sure I am very strict with my calories over the next few days combined with workouts should get me in the range I want to be in~

I am attracted to men, but at this point I'd welcome affection from another girl too~

Side effects of being a shy loner... I thought if I could become pretty enough this stuff would be easier, people would want to be friends and getting a boyfriend would be easier too because all the pretty popular girls have it easy when it comes to people wanting to talk, be around them or be friends.~

Maybe I am romanticizing ideals too much this is the real world after all~

I could adopt a pet maybe if I move to place where pets are allowed. But would having an cute fluffy companion solve anything? Its responsiblity, totally dependent on you to care for it, and honestly I want to be cared for once. I always clean up after other people and help when needed because I believe that's what you are supposed too...~

I am both lucky and unlucky that my work allows me to do it by myself no groups or team projects yay! No awkward talking and can focus on tasks but at the same time no chance to make a friend with someone whose a coworker~