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wannabemobwife · 3 years

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Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas - Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Things We Supposedly Lost in the Fire

Dad!Mob!Tom x Mom!Mob!Reader

-Pairings: Tom Holland x Reader, Rosie Holland x Henry Osterfield

-Warnings: Grief, barely suicidal thoughts, fire

-Words: 4K

Author note: Tom and Y/N don’t really age, I think of them as like Barbie and Ken, never aging. Final chapter will be up tonight around 9-10 PM PST. Sorry for the wait, you guys are so patient. Love ya.

Chapter 16: Things We Supposedly Lost in the Fire

Words: 4K

There you were, standing alongside your husband, daughter and friend as the building before your eyes erupted in a blaze. Smashing windows as the remaining members of Wilson’s mob, funneled their way out of the burning warehouse. Coughing up all the inhaled smoke.

One by one, people bursted out of the doors gasping for fresh air. Their lungs constricted from the dark ash that bled through the sky. You just stood there, next to your family, taking in the sight before you. As sirens rang through the air

The smoke and flames kept raging on, but there was still no sign of Parker.

That was 5 days ago. Now, you were in the present, trying to survive. The fire that took 3 days to put out, claimed the lives of your son Parker, Carter Wilson and multiple men.

Everyone was dealing with Parker’s demise differently. Harrison and Henry had so generously offered to stay with all of you for the time being. You took them up on that.

You refused to leave your room for a week, barely acknowledging Tom and Rosie. Tom would try to get some reaction from you, but you would lay there, catatonic. Oblivious to the outside world. Maybe coming down for a cup of coffee but then heading straight up back to your room.

Parker was your baby boy, words couldn’t express how you were feeling. A piece of you was missing.

You would walk down stairs and catch a glimpse of all the photographs perched everywhere, showcasing you, Tom, Rosie and Parker’s greatest moments. Everything reminded you of him.

The car keys flooded back memories of first teaching him how to drive. You were so scared. Every parent feels the same but it is hard to relinquish control of your car and put your life in someone else’s hands. You would flinch anytime he broke a little too hard. Always pushing on your imaginary brake.

“Ok, now put the car in drive. Make sure you keep your foot on the brake.” You began, instructing Parker how to drive.

You thought it be best if Tom taught Rosie and you taught Parker how to drive. You didn’t need twice the amount of heart attacks. “Ok, what next?” Parker asked after shifting from park gear to drive gear. Or so he thought.

“Give it a little gas now.” “Ok….” Parker barely touched the accelerator and the car shot backwards.

“PARKER! AAAAHHHHH!” You screamed as he lost control of the car. He slammed so hard on the brake, sending you flying into the dashboard. Your head knocked into the front, instantly creating a splitting headache.

“Oh, mom are you okay?” Parker questioned, preparing himself for your outburst.

“No, switch seats I’m driving home. That’s enough for today. The problem was you were in reverse and you hit the brake way too hard.” You explained with a calm voice, inside you were seething with anger. Pressing your hand to your head to try and subside your head.

“How did I know R stood for reverse, it could have been the R in drive?” Parker mocked sarcastically. “Honey, I love you but your dad is going to teach you from now on.”

You drove home safely and immediately went to the kitchen for an ice pack. Your head was throbbing. Tom greeted you, he was reading in the living room.

“How did the first lesson go?” Tom asked, noticing the scowl with adorned your face.

“Why don’t you ask Parker?” You snapped, pressing the cool ice pack to the soon to be bump on your head.

“Ok.… Parker any idea what your mom is talking about?” Tom inquired, knowing to not press you with anymore questions.

“I may have gone a little too fast and slammed on the brake,” Parker mumbled

“There’s more to that story,” you barked. Of course Parker was leaving the part of going in reverse instead of drive.

“I may have picked the wrong gear…” Parker divulged.

“HE WAS IN REVERSE!! NOT DRIVE!!” You shouted.

“Oh—“ Tom started to say but was cut off by you again.

“And then when he braked, he stopped so hard my head hit the dashboard.” You explaining, throwing your hands up in fury to point at your head. Tom started to chuckle. He tried to suppress a laugh but you were not having it.

“Are you laughing?” You thundered.

“Umm… no.” Tom’s entire expression totally changed as he saw the daggers you were shooting him.

“Tom, it’s not funny. Our son doesn’t know the difference between drive and reverse.”

“Guys, I’m still right here.” Parker chimed in as you spoke of him as if he wasn’t in the room.

“SAY SOMETHING!” You snapped at Tom’s defeating silence.

“Parker be more careful next time.” Tom explained to Parker.

“That’s it? Seriously?… Next time, you drive with him and you will feel my frustration and pain.” You sighed, giving up on this fight.

Life was so much simpler then, you were just trying to raise two wonderful kids. Helping them along the path of life, but there are always detours. You never expected life to have this many bumps. You especially didn’t expect your son to not live a full life. One full of wonder and joy.

Tom had his own way of mourning. He began to relish in his kills, channeling all his emotion into running the mob. Spending night after night bashing in skulls. Coming home with blood drenched clothes.

You understood everyone worked through their grief differently but his way seemed unhealthy. Tom had a few quarrels with anyone associated with the Wilson mob. He blamed them for the death of Parker.

Tom was currently, in his warehouse torturing some poor sap who was a well known capo of the Wilsons. “Tom, give it up. He’s not going to talk,” Haz told Tom as the continued to torture one of Wilson’s soldiers in front of him.

Carter had died along with Parker in the fire and Tom didn’t really know who the new leader was. All he knew is that he still wanted revenge.

“He’s right, you should just kill me. I know to keep my mouth shut unlike your dead son,” the soldier barked, warranting a swift strike to the jaw.

“Don’t you ever fucking mention him again. Your leader killed him. I should do the same to you to receive a smidge of compensation,” Tom snarled as he wrapped his hands around his throat, cutting off his airway completely.

“Tom, come on. He’s not worth it. Let him go,” Haz pleaded as the man started to turn blue.

“Haz, I can’t. How can I let him walk free, when he is the reason Parker is dead?” Tom explained, loosening his hands.

“That was Carter, not some menial soldier. He probably has a family like you,” Harrison talked Tom down.

“You’re free to go,” Haz concluded as he untied the poor man in front of them. He bolted for the door as quick as possible.

“Haz, I can’t do this. I need Parker here. He was supposed to be doing this. Not me… I feels unreal how much I miss him,” Tom cried.

“I know. We all miss him.”

“I couldn’t even protect my own son. Do you get that? And this can’t be the end. I can’t just move on, knowing I’m supposed to bury him tomorrow,” Tom swore.

“Tom, it will get better,” Harrison consoled him.

“How? I can’t just have an open ended statement. I need a solution. Something to fix this ache in my heart. How can I make this pain go away?” Tom pleaded.

“Tom, there is no answer. You just have to try and work through your grief and eventually move forward.”

“You know, Parker asked me the same thing right after Charlotte died. He needed the pain of her death to be lifted from his shoulders. I told him he needed time, but I lied. I knew he could never move on. That this would stick with him for years to come. That’s how I feel right now. There is no remedy except trying to make those bastards pay. Can you let me do that?” Tom exclaimed.

“Tom, I… yes, I can. Only because I know that is what you need right now. Someone to have your back. And I promise I always will.” Harrison tried to comfort his grieving friend but it was hard. Hard to explain to Tom that it only seemed like his world was ending.

That night Tom came into your shared room looking half dead. He had black eye and bruises that littered all over his body. From that moment you knew you both couldn’t keep living like this. You couldn’t keep shoving down your feelings and refusing to face the world, same with Tom but instead of shutting people out the was instigating fights left and right.

“Tom, I need to talk to you,” you sighed as Tom entered the room

“Yes, baby. Anything. I’m just happy to hear your voice,” Tom replied, surprised you were speaking to him. This was his first verbal conversation with you in days.

“We need to make a change, we can’t keep living like this. It isn’t healthy,” you began but was faced with a heart broken Tom.

“Y/N, don’t say that please,” Tom pleaded.

“Tom, we aren’t moving forward. We’re stuck.”

“No, Y/N we can move on from this. Please don’t leave me.”

“What? Tom, I would never. I need you more than you need me,” you questioned.

“Seriously doubt that. Baby please don’t scare me like that again. If I don’t have you. I don’t have anything,” Tom whispered as he came to your side, wrapping his arms around you.

“Tom, you’ll always have me. But what I was meaning to talk about is, I think you need to step away from the mob for a while. You aren’t dealing with losing Parker healthily. Killing people for sport doesn’t help process your pain.” You said, trying to fight back the tears.

“Y/N, I’m not ready to accept it. He can’t be gone. Our son can’t be gone,” Tom cried out.

“Tom, I’ve been feeling the same way. Instead of working through our grief together, we’ve been fighting our own battles and it is doing more damage than good. I’m drowning here, I need you. I need you next to my side to help me through this because I wake up most mornings and have thoughts that I should never think about. Like I don’t want to live this life anymore or live at all.”

“Love, I didn’t know. Y/N, I don’t ever want you feeling that way.”

“I know but I don’t want to feel this way either. We need to get away. Eventually far from the mob, maybe travel like you always wanted to,” you sniffled, wiping away tears.

“Y/N, you know I want that but, I can’t just leave. Our life is here,” Tom explained.

“I’m not saying now. But I can’t live out my days in this house, all I see is him and everything that we’ve lost. I can’t do it anymore. It’s killing me. Don’t you see that? I need to know that we will have our happy ending somewhere other than here. Once Rosie has graduated. In three years, we leave. Please give me that, you pleaded.

“Y/N, I promise. In 3 years we can start our happily ever after.” Tom agreed. You finally had a date in mind. You needed to find happiness somewhere else that wasn’t tainted with Parker’s memory.

Everyone was suffering, Rosie however was very good at hiding it. She was the rock when Parker passed. She knew if the roles were reversed, Parker would be there for everyone.

She threw herself in the mob and other aspects, refusing to let herself break down like the rest of her family. She was mostly consoling Henry. Henry had a hard time adjusting to life without his best friend. He tried to be strong for Rosie but nights she would find him crying himself to sleep.

“Are you coming to bed?” Rosie asked as Henry was held up in living room.

“I don’t think so just yet, I have to finish this,” Henry sighed in frustration, while lounging on the couch.

“What is it?” Rosie asked, coming over to snuggle with him.

“Parker’s eulogy. Did you finish your’s?”

“Umm, yeah I did.” Rosie responded, in reality she hadn’t even thought about it. Planning on making it up as she went tomorrow.

“It’s just killing me. To actually think of him as gone, especially because of tomorrow. I’m not ready to say goodbye,” Henry cried, trying to fight back tears.

“I know. I miss him too,” Rosie responded. Henry started breaking into a fit of sobs and Rosie moved to comfort him. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

“Why are you not sadder? I haven’t once seen you break down, like everyone else,” Henry sniffled.

“I don’t know, maybe I just went through the stages of grief quicker. I’ve already accepted it.”

“Ok well, glad you aren’t as sad as me. Then we would have two blubbering messes. I know this probably a huge turn off,” Henry muttered, stopping to blow his nose. She chuckled in response but Rosie knew something was off. She shed a few tears looking at the building blazing that night but she hadn’t cried since.

Quickly changing the subject to not seem like a heartless wrench she asked. “What are you writing about? Can I have a sneak peek?”

“That’s the hard part, I was trying to think of a story about Parker and I’s friendship but I keep coming up blank. Either he wasn’t actually my best friend or I’ve just repressed all memories about him.”

“Oh baby—,“

“It’s ok. I’m okay.… I’m sorry Roo, but could you help me?”

“Of course, what do you have so far?” “I have the title “Parker’s eulogy,” and that’s it,” Henry said, reading off the words written on the paper he had been staring at for an hour.

“Oh okay, well. Maybe you should talk about a funny story between the two of you.”

“Ok, I have one. Once upon a time…”

“Henry, you can’t start a eulogy with once upon a time.”

“You didn’t let me finish, once upon a time I met this boy and he had the most adorable, and at the same time, beautiful sister. She is so perfect in so many ways. I grew hopelessly in love with her. To this day I still am.”

“Aww, as much as I love that story it barely mentions Parker.”

“Roo, it’s too hard. I can’t sit here and reminisce all the times we spent together. I can’t write down stories that I’ve already lived. I can’t tell them to others and start referring to him as a ‘was’ and not a ‘is’. I’m not capable of telling the story of how one year where both our families went skiing, Parker and I snuck on a black diamond slope without permission and both ended up with a broken leg. Or the story of how I knew Parker and I would be best friends forever, I shouldn’t be the only one telling it, he should be here too. It’s not fair. Why could’ve it been me?”

“Henry, don’t say that. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But that seems like a good anecdote, write about that.”

“Rosie, you don’t get it. I can’t, I physically can’t do it… I’m sorry but I don’t understand why you aren’t sad. It’s weird. My best friend is dead and the weird part is that HE WAS YOUR BROTHER and you don’t even seem the least bit bothered by it,” Henry thundered, his sad voice morphing into an accusatory one. “Sorry, I was just trying to help…. I’ll see you tomorrow, night.” Rosie finished quickly excusing herself without so much as a goodnight kiss. She knew Henry was going through something but he didn’t have to take it out on her. She quickly made her way to bed and waited for the next day to come.

The day no one was actually prepared for.

The day of Parker’s funeral. Everyone’s final goodbye to your son.

Everyone managed to dress appropriately, in all black to symbolize your mourning. The day however was rather beautiful, a bright blue streaked across ever corner of the sky. Not a single cloud in sight, which was near impossible thing in London. Parker would’ve loved a day like this. For one he wouldn’t be at a funeral, especially not his own. He would be at the beach or going for a bike ride under the gorgeous sun.

The weather kind of taunted you. How dare the day be beautiful the day you bury your son. You knew it was silly but it felt like a cosmic joke of some sorts.

People started gathering at the cemetery. Nikki, Dom, Harry, Sam and Paddy were already there to help you and everyone else get through that day.

Nikki was mostly concerned with helping Rosie. She knew you had been a little checked out lately, no fault of your own, you were grieving. Nikki just wanted to make sure Rosie was dealing with her emotions, not shoving them aside.

“Rosie, I understand if the eulogy will be too hard. I can read it for you,” Nikki offered, catching a glance of Rosie going over he eulogy underneath a tree. “No, it’s ok. I should be the one to do it,” Rosie exclaimed.

“Parker would understand. All your emotions couldn’t be more valid. Have you allowed yourself to cry over him yet?” “Don’t worry I did. Odd question though, thought you’d be wanting me to be strong. I have been for everyone else.” “Rosie, you don’t have to with me. I’m here for you, flower.”

“I’m fine grandma, I should check on mom.”

“It’s okay, I’ll send Harry,” Nikki concluded, grabbing her phone to shoot Harry a text.

“Mom, I gonna get Y/N to eat something” Harry said, calling out to Nikki.

“Really, how?” “I came prepared. Granted it is only chocolate but baby steps. How’s Rosie? Is she freaking out about the eulogy?”

“She says she can handle it. I believe her. I just don’t know where that girl got all her strength. Certainly not from us.”

“I have a clue…” Harry explained, his eyes wandering to you sitting in the front row.

“Come on, the proceedings are about to start.” Nikki said, pulling her son to meet everyone else, atop the small hill.

The person officiating the ceremony was standing behind a chestnut colored casket, about to be lowered into the ground. There were 3 chairs, for you, Tom, and Rosie. Everyone else stood as they witnessed Parker be lowered into his final resting place.

Tears manage to fall throughout the entire day, but they came more frequently as Rosie stood up to deliver her eulogy. Rosie somberly walked near the casket, passing the dozens of roses on top. She was clutching to her note cards, her guideline to the hardest goodbye ever.

“My brother was the greatest person I ever knew. He had already dealt with so much loss, it is unfair that we are gathered here today to mourn him. I’ve been trying to think of what to say, maybe an amusing anecdote or embarrassing story. Maybe one where he demonstrated bravery. But I think I’ll just say what all of us having been thinking. It feels unreal that he is gone. He was my twin and I can honestly say not having him beside me, feels like a piece of me is missing.” Rosie began, fighting back the urge to cry.

“He would always manage to bring a smile to my face even the darkest of times. I’ve celebrated every birthday with him, every school event, my entire life with him. We were supposed to be the same age till the end of time together. I miss him more than I can bare but we have a chance to honor him and not mourn, it is what he would have wanted. My brother was always there for me, especially at my weakest. From carrying me into the house after I fell on my tricycle and skinned my knee to comforting me with cupcakes and ice cream after a break up. We all need that person in our lives. And Parker was my anchor, my savior and my best friend. If you have that person now, please give them a reminder of how much you love them. Parker and I both know I should I’ve said more often, he the same. I’m sorry P. And with this flower, I finally say goodbye to my guide post, my better half, my brother. We will always miss you.” Rosie finished and quickly wiped the tears that had fallen with the back of her hand.

She glanced over at you, bailing into Tom’s shoulder. Her words moved you to a whole other level of grief. This whole time you had been grieving for yourself. It’s not selfish, but you realized just how bad everyone else was hurting.

After the funeral, everyone made it back to the manor for the reception. Hors d’oeuvres made their way around to guests, conveniently managing to skip you. Harry was still getting on your nerves, hoping you’d eat something.

Harry would constantly bring food beneath your nose, waving an assortment of healthy snacks and candy in front of your face. He was determined to get you to eat something even if chocolate melted in his suit pockets.

“Hey, Y/N/N. How are you holding up?” Harry asked, finding you staring blankly into space. “I’ve definitely been better,” you responded, chuckling at your current state.

“Y/N, can you please eat something?” Harry asked, shoved food in your face. “I’m fine, thank you though,” you blatantly stated, probably for the tenth time.

“Come on, I have your favorite,” Harry smirked. “You have MnM’s?” you quipped, your ears perking up.

“Yes…”

“Ok give them to me.” You nearly lunged to grab the bag from his hands. In truth you had been starving yourself, you were hungry but couldn’t find the will to eat. Sweets were sure better than the fancy finger food your cook was serving.

Everyone else seemed to be within their own world. Tom had immediately gone back to talking shop, more like who are we gonna kill next week. People seemed to disappear, one in particular, Rosie. You asked Henry, to try and find her. He scoured the house in search of her and eventually found her in Parker’s room. For days the door had been locked, no one wanted to confront the reality of his bed not being slept in or his clothes not worn. It would reaffirm that he is gone and it was going to take a long time to heal.

“Rosie? You in here?” Henry whispered, knocking softly on the door. It creaked opener evening a distraught Rosie, crying on her bed.

Tears streamed down her face as she croaked out, “Hi.”

“Oh, Rosie,” Henry consoled as he moved to embrace her. She broke into a fit of sobs.

“He’s gone. He said he was right behind me,” Rosie looked up, with puffy red eyes.

“Shhh, it’s ok. I’m here,” Henry said, moving to bring her in his arms.

“I should’ve never left him behind. I keep blaming myself. If I never left him, he would still be here.”

“Roo, baby. You can’t do that.”

“I know, I know but I can’t do this. I’m not ready for him to be gone,” Rosie cried, into Henry’s suit. Tears never bothered to stop coming. She completely broke with him, all the pain and grief she had been hiding was now in the spotlight. Rosie wasn’t ready for a goodbye, none of you were.

Everyone eventually came to the same conclusion, that all the scars in your heart will heal with time. Even though the sadness never fades, you learn to grow with it.

Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas Masterlist

Taglist: @dummiesshort @thenoddingbunny-blog @adriannauni @allthisfortommy @bi-lmg @quaksonhehe @housepartyprotocol

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beccasbigworld · 3 years

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Blog Post #1 Examining Youth Culture

I loved watching the show Euphoria the best out of all of the assigned movies and shows. It’s been something I’ve been wanting to watch for a while so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to binge the whole season. The movies and shows assigned to watch were, Euphoria, The Breakfast Club, Mean Girls, Mid-90’s and KIDS. I know... That’s so fetch, right? Throughout each film, there were tons of astounding characters, some being well known throughout society. Perhaps Regina George rings a bell to anyone? However, despite all of the fantastic characters in each work, I feel as if I identify with Rue from the show Euphoria the most. I feel the most connected to Rue because she is a young teenage girl who has to deal with mental health issues but also the fact that she has fluid sexuality. She likes men, women and just gravitates towards anyone she feels connected to. I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community so the amount of representation I felt in the show was slightly overwhelming. Especially since many older shows and films lack representation so when something arises with more LGBTQ+ representation it makes me happy. I also know how it feels to be in Rue’s shoes, especially with her relationship with Jules in the show. The whole season is a rollercoaster of Rue and Jule’s relationship and as the season progresses Rue finally takes the leap of faith and kisses Jules. **Sorry if I spoiled it for anyone** I’ve been in situations with past relationships where I liked a girl for so long but never could make the move and it was interesting to see Rue’s confidence build and I think her becoming sober helped with that aspect. An article titled The Unicorn Scale written by bi.org it discusses the different sexualities and identities of the characters in the show. It states that Rue, “Rue’s sexuality seems to be unexplored but fluid, she is clearly interested in men, women, and everyone else. Rue’s bisexuality is not shown as the cause or causing her drug addiction, it is simply another facet of who she is. Her nerves seem limited to the normal anxieties we feel for our first love” (The Unicorn Scale: Euphoria) Rue’s character also goes through many ups and downs throughout the season. She struggles with drug addiction and staying sober. She lost her Dad to cancer and had to have her younger sister find her overdosed in her room. Three common themes I’ve noticed in each of these films and shows are one, family dynamic/struggles, sex, and, coming of age moment.

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The first theme, family dynamic/struggles is relatable to youth culture because growing up as a young adult or teenager can bring a lot of family issues. For example, in the movie MID90’S the main character Stevie is physically abused by his brother Ian. In one scene, Ian barges through Stevie's room in the middle of the night and punches him repeatedly. There is also no father in the picture and his mother is a single mom. So this could contribute to some of the reasons why Ian abuses Stevie. He could be taking out his anger in the only way he knows how and that’s with violence. I feel that people, especially young men struggle with dealing with their emotions and healthily expressing them. This theme also relates to me because I struggle with family issues and throughout the years it has taken a toll on my mental health. We also see in the movie KIDS the family dynamic and how it affects the main character, Telly. In one scene they show Telly’s mom taking care of the baby in their small city apartment. Telly asks for money and the mom says she doesn’t have any to give. Telly goes out and says he will be back later. The mom is so focused on the baby that she is not paying close attention to her son and what he is doing. This negatively affects Telly because he gets into the wrong group of people. This happens often without young people, it's a form of negligence that can lead people down the wrong path.

Another example is the dynamic between Nate Jacob's and his father in the show Euphoria. From a young age, Nate has been intimidated and scared by his father. In one scene, Nate’s father comes into his room and tells him how he played in the football game. Nate and his father get into a physical altercation and Nate starts to beat his head repeatedly against the floor. The second theme of sex is a big issue in most of these films and tv shows. When viewing and studying youth culture I’ve noticed how sex is a big part of a young person's life. Especially when I was in high school, sex was a majority of what people were talking about and it always mattered who was hooking up with who. I didn’t necessarily care for it and I had my experiences later in my life and at the end of the day, I don’t think it’s worth the hype and stigma around it. There are more things to do and talk about than sex. In the movie KIDS for example the main discussion of the film was sex and how the main character Telly wanted to have sex with virgins because they were seen as pure and innocent and he had the power to take that away from them. In the movie MID90s, the character Stevie has his first sexual experience and it was very real for many young people. In the scene, he starts to shake and get nervous, in an interview conducted and written by Slate Culture, asks Jonah Hill, the director of the Mid90s film, about the scene. Jonah states, “To me, showing it as harsh and as honest as it was back then was the point. You know? The point that this kid is terrified and shaking during his first sexual experience. And we get to see that as the audience. And he only gets happy and excited once he realizes it’s his currency to raise up through the group And that’s a fucked-up lesson that a lot of people now are having to unlearn from this time period And to me, I just wanted to show how that was and let the audience see that for what it is” (Bloomer) When you have your first sexual experience it can be a very nerve-wracking moment and in youth culture, the sexual experience is different for many and I believe it's split between boys and girls. As portrayed in these films for the young men, when they have sex it’s a powerful experience that boosts their confidence when they tell the group of guys they are associated with. For girls, it’s a moment that is more kept to themselves and cherished in a sense.

Being that I identify as a lesbian my experience doesn’t follow the heterosexual story so it’s interesting to me to see how the experience can be for heterosexual people. Lastly the last theme of a coming of age moment. I feel that when you are a young teen there is always this hope that you will have this coming of age moment like in the videos. I feel that Hollywood does a good job of exaggerating what a coming of age moment is for a teen. The film that is a clear example of a coming of age moment is the iconic Breakfast Club. According to the source, Movies, “The Breakfast Club (1985) is perhaps one of the best examples of a classic ‘coming of age’ plot. The film details the lives of five high schoolers stuck in a weekend detention together, only to have the misfit gang bond together despite their differences. This cast of characters are delineated by the conventional roles they fill: the Outcast, the Princess, the Jock, the Basket Case, and the Brain” (Holderbaum) The Breakfast Club shows how highschoolers defeated the stigmas and social scale of highschool. This connects to me a lot because high school was a very difficult time for me. Just like the movie we watched Mean Girls, I was at the bottom of the social ladder because I was different from a lot of people. Being a lesbian, out in highschool isn’t fun especially when you have guys who say “I can change that”. Despite the exaggeration by Hollywood with this big coming of age moment, I believe that my coming of age moment just like the Breakfast club was defeated the social ladder and being a confident, strong, lesbian at the end of my high school career.

The soundtrack of a film, TV series impacts the narrative of a story because it can uplift any emotion or feeling a character is feeling or trying to portray. The soundtrack can make or break a film/show. The soundtrack is a narrative of the story and can bring chills down your spine when watching a film. If a soundtrack is not done well the movie is not as impactive. In the movie the Breakfast club mostly everyone knows the famous song Don’t You and the iconic last scene. If it wasn’t for that song I believe the movie would not have been as famous. The playlist I made called Adolescent experience is a list of 10 songs that define me and myself growing up as a young teen trying to figure herself out. The first song on my playlist is, Electric Feel by MGMT, this song was one of the first songs that I listened to when I got my first iPod. The feeling it gave me felt like I was in an indie film when I would listen to it on long car rides. The second song on my playlist is What You Know by the Two Door Cinema Club. This song helped me with coping with my feeling of being lonely and feeling like I had no one to connect with, especially with being a young teen still stuck in the closet. The third song on my playlist is Little Secrets by Passion Pit. The band Passion Pit was one of the first bands I ever discovered and fell in love with. The fourth song I have in my playlist is 1901 by Phoenix. Anytime I listen to this song it gives me this feeling that I can accomplish anything. The fourth song is All For Us from the show Euphoria and sung by Zendaya and Labrinth. I love this song because it reminds me of the love I carry to many people in my life and how it can be tiring doing things for love all the time. The next song, Work by Rihanna is one of my favorite songs to dance to and it reminds me of a great memory of my middle school best friend Nina and me. The seventh song is Butterflies by Kacey Musgraves, this song is very meaningful to me because it's me and my girlfriend's song and it’s a reminder of the growth I have made within myself and my love life. The eighth song is Cruise by Florida Georgia Line, this was the first country band I started listening to when I was younger and the band reminds me of a very traumatic experience in my life. The ninth song is Man I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain. This song strikes a happy memory in my childhood because when all of my siblings were little and would be in my mom's suburban driving down the road we would sing this with her. The last song on my playlist is The Less I Know The Better by Tame Impala. This song just gives me an overall feeling of happiness and it was a song I listened to a lot when I was in a really good spot mentally.

#Blogpostone #Youtube #Spotify

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cutegirlmayra · 4 years

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The thing about Amy saying Tails has Autism was mostly to point out the Dunning-Kruger effect. She has only been to one class and already knows everything with high confidence. Even if she's partially or even completely wrong.

Referring to (x) -Please remember I don’t do chain-ask so this will probs be the last one I answer on this topic!-

Huh, well, she likes to state her opinion, but it’s not like the gang detest it. In fact, she’s probably more knowledgeable then them about psychology, so why would they protest? She wouldn’t say something she’s not entirely sure on like a sensitive topic as one’s mental condition. She just wants everyone to be open with their feelings, and mostly points out things that are usually the character’s underlying emotion.

She’s only trying to be a helpful friend, I don’t think she acts high-and-mighty about it or even tries to sound authoritative. She is just trying to get everyone to use ‘I-statements’ and use her limited knowledge to help the boys who don’t know healthy coping strategies. (I mean, Amy has to deal with her borderline obsessive crush on Sonic with a doll to make sure she’s not imposing herself on Sonic and ruining their tight friendship. She of all people probably researched psychology to help herself find healthy ways to express herself while not hurting others. Anyone who learns something that has proven useful to them wants to share that to help her friends who may suffer with things she’s not aware of. It almost shows her selfless and caring side even more so!)

She goes out of her way to stage healthy ‘counsels’ that get everyone to talk about their feelings, since men don’t usually like to do so. I’d say she’s doing what most girls do when they learn about emotional stages and how to work through them. (I should know! I help my friends with the research I do for myself all the time! And yes, I do sound like I know this for fact, but they understand it’s just what I have come across and it’s not meant to diagnosis anyone. It’s a possibility for them to look into and see if those strategies could help with whatever they’re dealing with.)

Personally, thanks to my own self research, I was able to help a friend get out of a highly toxic friendship and help her slowly improve to working towards a healthy self-confidence again. I’m sure that’s how the gang interprets what Amy says and does, cause she honestly cares about their emotional needs, even though they don’t always spend time to ponder or really let them out.

Which is another reason why I think the gang say, “Let’s talk about our... feelings...” to Amy and let her talk about the things she’s so interested in that she actually tried to study. In early drafts, Amy is known as a historian of sorts, so she probably does have a lot of knowledge and is treated as the ‘emotional genius’ of the group!

I hope my humble opinion explains well enough why the gang don’t mind Amy’s psychological strategies to help them healthily cope with some of the shenanigans they go through! I relate with Amy personally on this because stuff like Psych-to-go and other helpful videos and articles have helped me to learn more about people, emotions, and myself (with mild autism) so no worries! I don’t see any harm in what she was doing, since she wasn’t doing it to hurt anyone but was giving friendly advice, which the characters are encouraged to research and learn on their own anyway!

After all, Amy didn’t force a romantic ‘phantom mask’ on Tails, telling him to be more romantic. She let him sit with her while she put on a movie she thought was romantic! He chose to sit and have an open-mind about it.

That’s that for this ask! :D Hope it was too your liking! (Remember, I don’t do chain-ask! :Db it’s in the rules!)

#sonic ask #ask sonic #amy rose #boom!amy #amy boom #sonic boom #sonic analysis

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amwritingmeta · 5 years

Text

14x14: Dean and Cas and Questioning the Status Quo

Note: I found this in drafts and I believe I chopped it into smaller pieces, but I thought I’d post the whole long thing because it actually ties back to the lack of communication currently happening in S15 and the need to shake up the status quo. By, you know, someone actually speaking words. And the other, you know, actually listening. :)

Let’s take a closer look at this, because it warrants a closer look, or so I’d like to argue: these two idiots are (and Sam too but Dean and Cas more prominently so in this ep) locked in a status quo that is informed by Dean’s inability to stop believing that what he wants is something he can’t have.

Know what I mean?

Now, I think the dance around this fact in 14x14 is quite elegant, way I see it, and though what exactly the gorgon represents is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demi-god character, yeah?

Now a bit of a look at the interaction we have in the episode between Dean and Cas. (I have a very strong urge to refer to them as nothing but the two idiots for the rest of this post but) (I shall not)

1. Invisible Cas (and Jack)

It’s rather striking. The first image we get of Sam and Dean breaking through that door together, and alone, only for a mirror moment to come barely a minute later of them doing the exact same thing, only now Cas (and yes, Jack) is stepping through the door with them. *goosebumps all over*

What does it mean? Could mean a host of things. To me?

Well, Noah can’t see angels. Right? Fair enough, he can’t see either Cas or Jack so it’s not like Cas is special here, not really, but what does Noah represent? I talked briefly in an ask about whether he’s representative of toxic masculinity and how I don’t think he is.

He’s submitting to his fate, isn’t he? He’d rather not, but for survival’s sake, he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s performing ritualistic killings because that’s what’s expected of him. He’s not taking any real pleasure from it. Not very toxic, especially when compared to Michael the Dick Archangel, who breaks his promise to Rowena and slaughters the innocent’s of the bunker without mercy.

I would say Noah is more likely to be representative of suppression/repression, predominantly suppression in Dean, because oh, man, is Dean tying himself in very knowing knots this episode, and predominantly repression in Cas and Jack, which is why it makes enormous sense to me that he cannot see them.

You see, where Dean is completely aware of his emotions and is actively and consciously suppressing them - which is so fucking unhealthy - Cas and Jack are both shown, throughout the episode, to be unaware of how deeply their unconscious repression runs. I’ll talk about Jack in a separate post, but oh god. It’s lovely.

Sidenote

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

(long af)

2. Almost Liturgical

This scene is so incredibly wonderful for setting up Dean and Cas’ attitudes for the rest of the episode. Cas is observant and supportive and quietly brazen in making Dean be honest with him, and Dean can’t resist opening up, not when Cas asks him to. Prompts him to, even.

There’s so much softness from Dean here, and I’d say Cas sees it, and still doesn’t see it at all. Dean’s been looking at him with heart eyes for so long without it meaning that anything between them is developing or, I don’t know, renewing, that Cas just takes that softness and those heart eyes at face value.

There are subtle shifts throughout this scene between them, but the biggest one, to my mind, comes once Jack is back at the table and tells them he’s fine, because Dean then tries to swipe his opening up to Cas, as well as the severity of his reminding Cas of Plan B, aside by being flippant and adding this smile:

Which basically gets him a stern look from Cas -->

--> because no, Dean, Cas isn’t fine with everyone being fine. You can’t just make him be fine with Plan B, because Plan B is anything but fine.

And Dean looks contrite enough -->

--> and, I would say, realising exactly how open he just left himself to Cas’ scrutiny. Feeling exposed and vulnerable and a little raw and this isn’t helped by Cas putting himself in a position of having the upper hand by using a word that’s not in Dean’s vocabulary, because whenever Cas gets the upper hand it serves to remind Dean of?

Yes, that Cas isn’t his to make heart eyes at.

Because?

He believes, to his core, that what he wants, he can’t have.

I’d like to shake him. And shake him hard. Because even when Cas, over and over, through his actions and reactions, tell Dean exactly what he’s feeling, Dean still doesn’t see.

And so he goes from the soft expression and full on openness with Cas...

...to that ^^^ detached and Got Work To Do expression.

*shake shake bloody shake*

Now, of course, the fact that he’s being open and making heart eyes and feeling all sorts of things that are scary as all fuck to him and always have been - the scariest thing of all is love, right? - makes him go to great and unnecessary lengths to cover those feelings up to anyone who might be watching him.

And to suppress them to himself.

Stop wanting, essentially. Letting that hope flare that Cas could love him back only leads to pain and pain and pain, because in his low self-worth idled brain, his thoughts are stuck running along the same lines that they’ve always been running along, saying the same thing they’ve always said: why would an angel rescue him from hell?

Which translates to: why would he ever deserve Cas’ love?

In his head, he doesn’t deserve good things.

And he’s perpetuating this conviction out of fear, rooted in losing his family at four years old, a loss that has cemented the belief of how Good Things Don’t Last, and this cementation has occurred in Dean out of sheer ego self-preservation, and Michael now is the ultimate proof of that. Michael in his head. Because Dean said yes. So -->

3. Overcompensation

This is Dean’s default reaction to Cas being in an obviously superior position, no matter how small that superiority might be. In 14x14 it’s something as simple as Cas having a deeper vocabulary and Dean being in the sudden situation where this is revealed to Jack, who couldn’t give less of a fuck, but since Dean just spent five minutes laying his soul bare to Cas, this moment is like a slap back to reality for Dean.

And what does he do?

He does what he always does. He tries to put himself in the superior position, because, truthfully, he knows he never really can be superior to Cas, because, um, angel. Yeah. Can’t really bypass that fact.

This ^^^ is all about Dean desperately trying to cover, trying to act like Cas knowing things beyond what Dean knows makes him, somehow, inferior.

Look, Dean’s habit of pulling Cas down to Earth is never malicious in intent, but all to do with Dean’s insecurities and, in many scenarios, also directly linked to his falling in love and not believing, ever, for a second, that Cas the angel - as an angel - could or would or should love him back.

The angle in 14x14, where he makes light of Cas’ superior vocabulary by putting him in with the brainy kids in AV Club - and look at how it sets up for Dean with his next breath trying to impress with his knowledge of Medusa, that turns out to be based in a movie that’s exaggerated the myth for entertainment purposes, which leaves very little of his knowledge to feel as impressive as Cas’ observations regarding the gorgon - the AV Club reference aids in Dean’s suppression of his emotions.

All the while this utter verbal denial of what it is that he truly loves about Cas serves to underline to us how he really feels deep down, and knows he feels deep down, which is why he’s scrambling to cover it up, terrified the truth is written all over his face, the way it is whenever he looks softly, softly at Cas and dares to open himself up to everything Cas means to him.

So instead, in dialogue, he goes:

-- Oh, look at the baby in the trench coat. Not so powerful now. -- Oh, look at the weird, dorky little guy. He’s not a commander. -- Oh, look at the nerdy dude who knows words. He is so not my type.

Yeah, okay, sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Cas is like The fuck? -->

*darling Cas*

Now, when it comes to not seeing, we are presented with a baddie who eats the eyes of his victim to glimpse the future. Obviously he doesn’t snack on anyone’s eyes out of TFW 2.0, but he does carry a bit of the whole other side to him, where he can read people’s fate, with him in how he interacts with them, doesn’t he? It’s like he reads Jack’s palm, once he has him in front of him. And Dean and Cas?

Well, not the first one to point out that they’re both flat on their backs on the floor by the end of their encounter with the flood.

I mean, their encounter with Noah.

Who is actually the saviour away from the flood. Almost like their interaction with him constitutes the way out of drowning, for both of them. Funny that. But I’m skipping ahead.

First -->

4. Regards, Noah

Dean,

I see you standing alone by the truck stop reading this. I see you and the tall man and the red headed witch chasing me. I will always see you. Stop, or I will make you stop.

Regards, Noah

I’ll get back to this.

5. He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

So, we arrive at the confrontation, which opens with the statement Noah makes of how he’s a lover, not a fighter. Interesting, isn’t it? Because this is truly the core trait of the entire TFW 2.0 --> innately they are not killers, they are protectors; they are not weapons, they are shields.

In the confrontation scene we also get a previously invisible and now not at all invisible Cas focusing on giving the antidote to the victim, while Jack keeps Noah distracted by listening to the fable.

Cas is mildly on guard about the whole thing and finally comes right out and questions Noah’s motives for telling the story to Jack. When Noah gives voice to what could be read as Cas’ own worries concerning Jack burning off his soul, Cas attacks, because he doesn’t want to even think about the implications of what Noah is seeing, or unable to properly make out, in Jack -->

--> in this context, Noah as a manifestation of Cas’ suppressed fears about Jack’s choices.

Cas being in denial of how serious Jack’s situation is, is given to us in the El Saboros, because we see Jack alone healing himself, burning off his soul, and returning to the table with a ready lie of how he’s fine. Cas might not be convinced, but he’s also unaware of how Jack is still coughing up blood, and if he wasn’t suppressing his constant worry, arguably writing it off as him being overprotective, he’d most likely take actual action in order to stop Jack from walking down the dangerous path he’s stubbornly treading.

(rather than the righteous path) (*clears throat*)

Back with the confrontation, where Noah very easily disarms Cas (demi-god that Noah is and all), slaps Cas twice, once across each cheek, and then kisses one of those cheeks, effectively paralysing Cas with gorgon poison.

Cas goes rigid and falls to the floor, unable to move, but the antidote doesn’t work on Cas.

Why does the poison have the same effect on him as on a human, but the antidote doesn’t? Why does it take Jack sacrificing a piece of his humanity in order to tap into his angelic powers for Cas to be released from the poison?

Mh-hmh, let’s look at Dean before we try and answer, shall we?

Dean bursts in and Noah very easily disarms him (Noah can fight y’all) and knocks Dean’s head once, twice against the wall, rendering Dean unconscious.

Let’s glance back for a moment at how we got to here:

Throughout S13 Dean was confronted with toxic masculinity representatives leading right into him saying yes to having the most outstanding toxic masculinity representative literally possess him by the end of the season. S13 was all about making Dean aware of how toxic the ideal he’s modelled himself after for so long truly is, and he did begin to move away from it, this in order to be equipped to recognise Michael’s true colours, once he had to grant them absolute access.

S14 has been very much about confronting the past and all those suppressed/repressed fears and hangups being pushed to the surface. This while TFW 2.0 have all been asked - in not so many words - to find the answer to the question of What Do I Want?

Dean’s reply to this question in 14x12 is so far from what the narrative is continuously angling for it to be, that only two episodes later that answer is not only nullified, but brings on a possible narrative punishment, because odds are that Jack, through self-sacrifice, is opening himself up to a world of hurt, and if Dean’s answer to the question of What Do I Want? had been different, if he’d reached that point in his individuation process where he could be honest with himself, then the outcome would have been different too.

But he hasn’t reached that point, and so the outcome is what we’re given in 14x14. So, what’s Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want?

Plan B.

You see, Dean doesn’t believe that they’ll find another way to beat Michael, not really. Dean is humouring the people he loves, but he’s expecting them to be the ones to do all the emotional work and let him go, rather than him doing the necessary emotional work and confronting his fears, collected in the manifestation of his shadow-self: Michael.

Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want? is to symbolically put himself into the box of societal norms that has dictated his relationship with his shadow-self for his entire life, and drown his ego, his consciousness, with the cycle of unhealthy suppression/repression that the darker side to his shadow-self is responsible for maintaining. (Dean’s suppressed longing for more, for a long and happy life; and his repressed childhood neglect)

Why? Because his fears run so deep that he doesn’t know how to confront them without annihilating his identity. To get to his true identity, though, he must confront these fears and understand the truth: that his fears are nothing but a construct, and that he can choose for them to no longer hold any merit.

6. Shake Shake Shake

Now, diving back into 14x14, where Dean and Cas are both flat on their back thanks to Noah.

So, let’s pull on the symbolical threads I set up at the start of this post. Threads that are very much tied to the Jungian doctrine of individuation, which I first wrote about here and have been reading up on since. (seriously it makes for deeply satisfying study) (Carl Jung was a great man)

Cas

When it comes to his worry for Jack, Cas deals in suppression, but when it comes to answering the question What Do I Want? Cas deals wholly in repression. He is not being honest with himself, and it’s given to us in his exchange later on with Jack, where he talks about humans as burning bright, unlike "things like us”.

Yes, an unspecified thing is what he identifies himself with.

He doesn’t identify himself as an angel, which, to my mind, is important, but for him to also step as far away as he can from humanity is equally pertinent because, well, this meta writer does believe that he needs to admit to himself what it is he truly wants for himself before he’ll be able to properly begin the final leg of his journey towards internal balance.

Noah’s note underlines how he sees Dean, but Noah couldn’t see Cas, and to me this is all because Noah is much more narratively tied to Dean, while serving - as representative of suppression/repression - to narratively highlight these habits in all of TFW 2.0, but there’s another layer to it, where Noah is tied to Cas’ repressed true identity, meaning Cas is blind to his own repression.

(and Jack is blind to his own internal conflict, given to us in dialogue when he yells at Michael - childishly - that he’s not a child) (because Jack still is a kid)

Looking at the setup of Noah not being able to see Cas and Jack, it could be argued that he can’t see them, that he’s cut off from them, because they’re unaware of him, and so he’s unaware of them.

Awareness is key to confrontation. So, to me, it’s delicious that it’s Cas and Jack who grow aware of Noah and go to confront him, allowing him to see them, because it’s the ego’s awareness that allows for any internal imbalance to be confronted and worked through.

Moreover, Cas’ continued unawareness - his inability to recognise what it is he’s actually doing - of his own repression is what is keeping Cas complacent.

It’s keeping Cas accepting the status quo.

It’s keeping Cas paralysed in his own skin.

See what I’m getting at? Cas’ confrontation with Noah is brief, very, very brief, and Cas is disarmed very, very quickly and receives the kiss that paralyses him after being slapped, like a proverbial wakeup call, on either cheek, by the representative of his repression.

And, look it, when it comes to the question of why the antidote doesn’t work on him: if Cas had been human, it would’ve.

But Cas - being an angel - needs Jack to help him, needs Jack to burn off a piece of his soul in order to get the poison out, needs Jack to unlock his limbs and get him out of the paralysis.

Jack, who in 14x08, was shown to be such an incredibly important tool for Cas’ individuation, since Jack is the one who symbolically (and literally) woke him, making Cas aware of his shadow-self.

And where Dean is unable to face his shadow-self due to his low self-worth making him fear what it will mean for his ego, aka his self-view and understanding of who he is if he were to confront his deepest fears, Cas’ low self-worth is equally exposed through his acceptance of the shadow-self’s threat to come and take him in his happiest moment. Cas doesn’t believe he deserves more, so for his happiest moment to be a point of punishment makes perfect sense to him, and this makes it incredibly difficult for him to break out of his complacency.

Better the status quo than the Empty.

Better a useful thing than daring to consider what would actually make him happy by truthfully answering the questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be? and going for it.

*shake shake bloody shake*

The poisonous kiss from his repression, and Cas’ inability to get himself out of a state of paralysis without Jack’s help, doesn’t necessarily set up for what’s to come, but to me it does underline what is: as an angel Cas is stuck in a place where, as a human, he wouldn’t need help getting out of.

And this place that he’s stuck in takes a toll on the one person he’s tried, for seasons now, to protect - Jack - and this moment is entirely reflective of - and of course helps set up for - Jack’s choice to step into this exact same position for Dean, when he kills Michael.

Dean

Oh, Dean.

Old patterns are a bitch.

Actually, old patterns are turning into his greatest enemy, which gets me all kinds of squeakily excited for him. The lessons he’s been set out to learn for many, many moons now, are, at this point, hitting him so hard over the head they’re knocking him out against a wall.

Dean was fighting his toxic masculinity in S13. Growing aware of the ideal and moving away from it so that he can see Toxic Masculinity Michael for what he truly is, but because of patterns that have informed Dean’s sense of identity ever since he was a child, modelling himself on John and his mode of Feelings are Weaknesses that Will Get You and Your Brother Killed, Dean can’t bring himself to believe that there’s a way out of this confrontation with his shadow-self without killing the ego. Meaning without killing his conscious idea of himself. And because of the fear this brings of losing his sense of self completely, his incapable of believing there’s a way of beating Michael.

Even when Dean is sitting in front of the key to his own faith in the future, and yes, indeed the key to Dean’s faith in the future has always been Cas, and Cas is basically telling Dean that there’s no way Cas is ever giving up on him, and that they’ll find another way, Dean still can’t submit to his own need to believe, because his love of Cas is tethered to just as much fear as anything else, and confronting that fear, his fear of love and having hope for the future and believing that Cas does or could love him back, brings on just as much of an identity crisis as the thought of confronting his shadow-self.

And it’s all connected, of course. Because Dean’s internal fears don’t exist in a vacuum. But if he dared lean on his love for Cas and the faith and trust it’s always brought him, then he’d find the strength to confront his shadow-self and question all the lies it keeps filling his head with when it comes to perpetuating his low self-worth. Likewise, if he dared push past his identity crisis and begin to question the lies of his shadow-self that keeps his self-worth low, he would begin to feel the faith and trust Cas instils in him, and he’d start to believe in the love that Cas is continuously showing him.

But Dean can’t.

Dean is stuck in the belief that lingering in the status quo, and keeping to what he knows, is preferable, because there’s this huge thing in the way for Dean to be able to do anything else.

And holy fuck it’s formidable how this is now set up. (if I’m right in this reading)

The huge thing in the way for Dean to dare open himself up to his true identity is his inability to let go of old patterns, and 14x14 makes it explicit to me that this inability is rooted entirely in his neglected inner child.

So what truly needs nurturing and attention and for Dean to grow aware of exactly how much he’s been neglecting it, is Dean’s inner child. An inner child that he’s been ignoring through his repression of his yearning for love. This yearning has been present in him since childhood and he’s repressed it by adopting the adage that feelings are weaknesses, and adopting this very harsh take on love in order to protect himself from a father incapable of providing the affection every child needs to feel truly safe and protected.

Moreover, Dean has been putting up walls to keep out the memory of the horror of his mother’s death and the guilt that’s haunted him and the mistrust it’s produced in him of anything good ever truly lasting for very long, and this, all this, is why he, in 14x14, teases Cas and tries to cover up how he’s really feeling and it gets him his head smashed into a wall by the representative of all of the above fears collected into his lifelong habit of suppression and repression of his true identity.

Noah sees Dean.

Noah will always see Dean.

And the narrative punishes Dean’s inability to break old patterns by having those old patterns knock him out cold, because clearly something needs to happen to shake up the status quo.

Because the representative of Dean’s neglected inner child is...?

Jack.

And so Dean’s inability to do the shadow work needed, or to fully trust in those he loves, brings about the necessity for the representative of his inner child to step up to the plate and take matters into hand by expelling the manifestation of Dean’s shadow-self, while taking part of it into itself.

Yeah, I know right?

To my mind, Jack swallowing Michael’s grace is set to lead to not very good things.

Well, ultimately it will, I believe, but, oh, there may be quite a bit of glorious turbulence ahead. Or, at least, a huge push for Dean to face his internal imbalance and find a way to start all the emotional work needed if he’s to take full responsibility and stop running.

7. Off With Their Heads

This image is so powerful, because it serves so many possible purposes and can be interpreted in so many different ways, but here’s what I see:

A foreshadowing of the snake in Dean’s head (Michael) shedding his skin

An underlining for what Michael shedding Dean truly stands for: the first step toward internal rebirth/renewal for Dean

A plant for Jack picking up Felix and claiming him for a pet, which is deeply symbolic when looking at what Jack represents in the narrative, and what Jack himself needs for his own progression

But first, we get Sam also thrown across the room, very, very easily, by Noah the suppression/repression representative, because of course, Sam’s got his own shit to work through. Like his inability to take a moment for himself. His codependent behaviour runs so deep that he has no idea who he is unless he has people to look out for. And, good Lord, all the people under his protection getting killed by Michael after Sam insisted they bring Dean back. The internal conflict must be tearing Sam apart. *hands clutched to mouth* It’s not your fault, Sam!!

Once Sam hits the floor without getting knocked out (feels possibly significant here because Sam leading the way in letting go of the dependency and pushing himself into adulthood feels so important for Dean to finally allow himself to do the same) (but we shall see about that) we get Jack cutting off Noah’s head.

And looking at the fact of how Jack is the one to place his hands on either side of Rowena’s head, driving Michael out of her, you might say he cuts the head off both snakes in this narrative, right?

But, as I wrote here, he also swallows one of those snakes down, taking its essence into himself, while keeping a little piece of Noah in a glass box in his room, and so it can be said that he, symbolically, is tied to both symbols (suppression/repression/shadow-self) and is the last snake standing.

So. Turbulence.

Because Jack is no snake.

Jack has felt like a powerful symbol of internal balance for all of TFW and so for this symbol to now be in such absolute imbalance is quite possibly heralding Jack’s own dark arc, which could prove a necessary push out of the status quo that Dean and Cas and Sam are all in.

Something to shake shake bloody shake them awake already.

Please. And thank you. :)

8. Access Denied

Cas has tried, on more than one occasion on the ride back to the bunker, to heal Dean, but he can’t. He can’t even see what’s going on inside Dean’s head.

*slow eyebrow raise*

Dean’s repression knocks him out -->

leading to Dean’s shadow-self no longer staying suppressed

leading to Dean’s inner child confronting the shadow-self with a declaration of how its not a child

Dean’s inner child swallowing the essence of Dean’s shadow-self down and declaring that it’s now itself again, restored to its former glory through taking into itself the toxic masculinity representative that’s the source of Dean’s repressed longing for love and his neglecting of his inner child in the first place

Oof.

Cas suddenly has no access to Dean because Dean’s repression runs too deep, and faith can’t reach where it’s not welcome, where it’s constantly shut down and mistrusted, and neither can love.

Especially not a faith or a love that doesn’t actually believe it belongs there.

The fucking status quo acting like the barrier it’s always been between these men, the barrier sitting like an enormous obstacle in front of open communication and honesty with each other, but foremost with themselves.

*so frustratingly amazing*

#spn meta #spn 14x14 #deancas #destiel #tfw 2.0 #dean #cas #sam #jack #noah #repression suppression #open communication #character progression

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quasip · 6 years

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Mitsunari and Motochika for the "Send me a ship and I'll tell you" one please!

Who would be the big spoon/little spoon? Motochika would be the big spoon, but Mitsunari would be more like a knife than a little spoon. Motochika will try and curve his body around Mitsunaris’ but Mitsunari is all sharp edges and refuses to sleep on his side. In the end, Motochika is content to just wrap his arm around Mitsunari’s middle and snuggle into his side. Hey, if he’s not going to snuggle back Motochika is just going to make due.

Who would wake up first? They actually both get up pretty early. Motochika has to prepare his ship and his men for the day’s sailing and pillaging and Mitsunari is just a natural early bird. They scoot around each other trying to get ready in the crowded space of Motochika’s room, Motochika pressing tired kisses on Mitsunari’s head everytime they pass by each other until Mitsunari gives one to Motochika’s cheek before he leaves the room to face the rest of the world.

Do they have nicknames for each other? No. Motochika might occasionally call Mitsunari a grump or some other name he mostly sticks with his name. Mitsunari thinks nicknames are simply silly and doesn’t think much of giving one to Motochika.

How do they apologize after an argument? They are both good enough about their mistakes to own up to them. The problem is which one of these stubborn fools decides to apologize first. Mitsunari and Motochika are both stubborn, almost to a fault, and when they decide they were in the right it is very hard to get them to apologize. They will both need time away from each other to clear their heads and to think about the argument. It may take outside perspectives, but once either Motchika or Mitsunari believe that they are wrong or at least partially at fault they will apologize to the other’s face with no hesitation. Mitsunrari’s will be more formal and accepting of reprimand, and Motochika is more willing to let the other off then Mitsunari would be, but either way, there will always be a face to face apology and, as long as it’s sincere, an eventual clearing of the air.

What would they be like as parents? Night and Day. Motochika is definitely the fun parent. He lets his kids throw parties, plays with them, is the one they come to when it comes to lovers and parties and emotional issues. Mitsunari is the parent that reminds them to do their homework, eat healthily, and excel. Their kids mostly come to Mitsunari with help academically or practically. It’s not that he can’t give social advice, it’s just that his advice is very practical and lacking in social nuance.

When they first start out parenting it’s too much more arguing then say, Masamune and Yukimura or Sasuke and Kojuro. Their parenting styles are just very different and that leads to arguments over things like punishment, activities, and even what their school life should be like. As they grow older they start to blend their styles, with Motochika weaving in life lessons into their fishing trips while Mitsunari tries to get the kids to open up during a study session. They both try and push their children into giving their all for something, always pushing them towards their passions. They would certainly be a more clear case of fun parent, strict parent then almost any other pairing, but it works because they build off of each other and allow themselves to compromise.

Who is more romantic? Motochika. Listen, Mitsunari barely knows the definition of the word romantic. His love comes through in the practicalities of life. For example, Motochika always finds his maps organized, his sheets clean, and his favorite alcohol always in stock. These gestures, practical and small but just as important, are Mitsunari’s sweet nothings and I love yous. However, if you want flowers and chocolate and sugary sentiments then Motochika has that covered. He loves spoiling his significant other and will often get him gifts both big and small just because he was thinking of them and thought they would like them. Mitsunari doesn’t like too many frivolous things though so Motochika often goes for quality. A collection of fine pens, beautiful paper, soft pillow and jars upon jars of ink. Mitsunari always has a small smile when he sees the new object Motochika brought him, stupid smile on his face, and while he doesn’t emote more than that Motochika always sees his gifts used until they are completely finished.

What sort of gifts do they get for each other? As stated above, Motochika usually gets pretty practical gifts because that’s what he knows Mitsunari likes, especially if it a practical item that Mitsunari has deemed too extravagant or luxurious to purchase. Fine paper, advanced mathematical tools, books, kits to clean his sword, he finds the best and brings it to him. That’s not to say he doesn’t sometimes indulge in getting Mitsunari other things like jewelry, just that he focuses on what he likes. Mitsunari also focuses on the practical, like sturdy boots, but he also gets him small puzzles he can go in his spare time, as well as models. For times when more extravagant gifts are needed he’ll buy expensive books on engineering and robotics as well as amazing trinkets from foreign countries. Or expensive alcohol, that would work too.

Who gets jealous easiest? Mitsunari, but Motochika likes to play up the times when he gets jealous. Mitsunari’s jealousy stews inside him, being revealed in threatening looks, a dark aura, and sometimes just actual threats to the offending party. Motochiak finds it cute most of the time but does try to stop it before it goes too far. Motochika doesn’t actually get jealous too often. Partly because Mitsunari just doesn’t have many people flirting with him (it’s the death aura) and that he’s possessive but he trusts Mitsunari almost implicitly. When he does get jealous he likes to play it up a little, bringing out a little more of a stereotypical pirate attitude. Mitsunari likes being valued but doesn’t like the implication that he can’t be trusted. Motochika has to assure him that he does trust him, it’s just natural sometimes to be jealous. Usually, Mitsunari’s frown is soothed by a few kisses.

Who gets more excited for events e.g.. Birthdays, Christmas? Motochika. Just like his buddy Masamune, he is always down to party like it’s his last day because it very well could be. And they are always wild: drinking, shouting, bad singing, it’s all there. The only thing that isn’t there is Mitsunari because he hates parties. Wastes of time and quiet. He mostly holes up in his room or, if he’s forced to attend, in some corner where he can wait it out. Motochika tries to engage him, but Mitsunari is just not one for parties. To try and compromise on days like Mitsunari’s birthday and Christmas Motochika tries to give Mitsunari a quieter party, only them and maybe a handful of very close friends. It still isn’t his most favorite thing, but having his boyfriend, Sakon, and Yukimura all close-by, playing some games, drinking his favorite tea and eating his favorite foods, Mitsunari deems it acceptable.

Who is the most adventurous? Motochika. He is a pirate after all. The second even a rumor of treasure or some new blowhard Lord, a carnival, new interesting food or hell…even a supposedly haunted place hits his ears he’s climbing up to the ship’s wheel and telling his crew to get ready, what are they sitting around for they’ve got an adventure to go on. Mitsunari doesn’t have a problem with the adventures, but more on their execution. At the beginning of their relationship, he might be more passive, needing prompting from Motochika to voice any suggestions besides shouting threats at those who seem less than enthused. However, later on, he will actively voice his suggestions, most of them harsh but all logical such as maybe getting information or sending a scout or maybe not just rushing the front gates into a possible ambush. It’s almost 50/50 on whether Motochika takes these suggestions (gathering information tends to work better than not barging in because, come on, where’s the fun in skulking about?), but Motochika always appreciated Mitsunari’s honest forward-thinking advice.

Who is the most protective? Mitsunari. One of his greatest traits is his loyalty and that loyalty makes him absurdly protective of those that manage to earn his trust and love, whether that person is his Lord, his friend, or his lover. His protectiveness is more physical than mental as he is an honest person. He won’t soften his views even if a lie might be softer; however, he is much, MUCH more willing to take a bullet or sword or whatever in defense of Motochika. It’s so bad of an instinct that Motochika has to keep a special eye on him when they are in combat. It’s annoying and scary. Motochika is a grown ass man who can take a few hits. He doesn’t need anyone dying to protect him. Yelling that fact at Mitsunari has done pretty much nothing so he’s just learned to tone it down to exasperated scolding and trying to keep this damn brat alive.

What would they have been like as childhood sweethearts? It starts when they are young, around kindergarten age. Motochika is a small, shy child, always playing with his blocks and drawing in the corner when the rest of the children were playing together. Mitsunari would end up being the first person to play with him (mostly because Motochika had most of the blocks and he wanted to play with them too). They continued to sort of be friends/ playmates at school, but when they hit grade school their friendship was cemented. Kids started to make fun of Motochika’s soft face and long hair and quiet demeanor and Mitsunari can’t abide by cowards who would mock someone for being who they are. So he beat them up. Their relationship was almost like a knight and his lady until Mitsunari’s parents decided to move. Before he left Mitsunari told Motochika to be strong as there was nothing wrong with him, he was a great person and that he could be as strong as him. It would be years before they saw each other again.

At high school age Mitsunari would make his way back with his caretakers to his old home and, sure enough, he runs into Motochika. However, his Motochika is no longer the shy flower he had played with and protected as children, but a brash, curse dropping, hooligan who had no trouble speaking his mind. It seemed their situations had reversed, Mitsunari had become the loner that had very few friends and Motochika the one who wanted to hang out and protect him. It is a long, slow path of relearning each other and nurturing the seeds of affection that had been planted in their childhood. Mitsunari sees the gentle side that Motochika had dulled, but never gotten rid of and accepts it just as much as this new side. He lets Motochika be himself, gentle and brash, and never judges. Motochika learns the bitterness his old friend is carrying and helps to bring joy into his life. He accepts and encourages Mitsunari’s self as much as Mitsunari does Motochika. They are childhood friends who reconnect as adults and learn to accept each other, the nostalgic child version of themselves as well as the new, grown adult ones.

Who uses all the hot water? Mitsunari. While he is mostly quick and practical in most things, one of the few luxuries he has is cleanliness, especially of himself. He loves long, hot showers and baths. Motochika loves them too, adding salts and oils and other spa-like accessories to make it even more awesome. Motochika sometimes takes baths with Mitsunari, but if Mitsunari is taking a shower it’s for him and him alone.

Who would accidentally set the kitchen on fire whilst cooking? Motochika. It’s not that he’s a bad cook, per se, just that he likes to experiment which can sometimes cause fires. Also, he has tinkered with every appliance they have to make them more efficient and sometimes those wires just aren’t that good. The fire department pretty much knows them by name now. Mitsunari is efficient and follows the directions which means it’s rare that his food is either inedible or the kitchen is covered in soot.

Who initiates sexy times the most? Both of them actually! They are both honest, straightforward people who, when they want something, go for it. Motochika is more likely to instigate because he likes sex and wants to have a lot of it. He doesn’t really care where they are, he’ll either imply he wants it later or downright just ask for it if they are in a more secluded place. Mitsunari is not impolite enough to do it in front of other people, but if he wants sex and they are decently private he will ask for it. He doesn’t believe in hiding intentions or being dishonest. He wants something and as long as his lover is obliging he sees no reason to hide it from him, especially if he asks.

Who is more dominant? Motochika. While Mitsunari is honest about his wants, he won’t often put it forward, instead of waiting on Motochika to act so he can react. His pleasure comes from pleasing others and he might only instigate if it looks like Motochika needs it or he really, really wants it. Motochika does not have any such decorum. Desires are good and should be expressed whether that’s desire for another person or desire to steal something from someone unworthy. He also just likes being the cause of Mitsunari’s breaking down into a pleasured mess.

What would they do if the other one was hurt? If someone hurt Motochika Mitsunari’s response is a simple one…kill them. Seriously, it’s that simple. No one hurts with the man he has pledged himself to. In the modern era or any other one where killing them isn’t really an option (unless he doesn’t mind jail) he would still confront the person, yelling and perfectly willing to bash their face in. His rage is never self-soothed, it always has to be calmed from an outside force. There is almost nothing Motochika could do in his eyes that would warrant real pain, no matter what other people think. In-between his obsessive violence towards this person or thing Mitsunari is tending to Motochika dutifully, making sure that he is well taken care of and that he knows he will handle everything and that he will do better to prevent this in the future.

Motochika, on the other hand, actually is less intense then Mitsunari in his revenge. He too will go and beat the ever-living shit out of the responsible person, but then he’d be back to baby Mitsunari and try and cheer him up. If it was an accident or something not super serious he’d be mostly OK after retribution was done. If it was serious preparation for a lifetime grudge and an epic beatdown. If it was something more mechanical he’d spend hours complaining to Mitsunari about the cut corners other people do and show him all the improvements he’s going to make so that this never happens again. Because he protects his boys, especially this boy.

Who gives nose/forehead kisses? Motochika all the way. He loves contact and seeing Mitsunari’s face scrunch up is hilarious and adorable. It’s peaceful and cute and he just loves to show affection for his boy. Mitsunari doesn’t come out and say it, but he does like the kisses and feeling of adoration they inspire in him. Motochika’s love is in every kiss and Mitsunari is honored to receive them.

What their biggest fight was/will be about: I mentioned it above, but Mitsunari’s tendencies to try and kill himself for Motochika’s sake is going to be their biggest argument. They don’t have many horrible arguments but this one is a full out shouting-fest. It would be after a fight when Mitsunari took a knife straight through his side defending Motochika. It was a serious wound and Motochika went beyond worried to scared when he and his boys finished the fight and took Mitsunari to the doctor. He sat by this bedside for hours, refusing everything and just keeping watch, until Mitsunari woke up.

When he did, Motochika took no time in berating him for that idiotic, stupid decision. What were you thinking you dumbass?! Mitsunari, injured, angry, and just so tired, immediately went on the defensive. It’s his duty to protect Motochika, his honor, and to have his decision thrown back in his face like he was stupid to decide it was infuriating. Motochika doesn’t want someone to sacrifice for him and Mitsunari only wants to sacrifice. The initial argument wasn’t even the worst part. Motochika began to leave Mitsunari behind on certain missions, explicitly telling him he can’t trust him to keep himself alive. This sudden lack of trust is soul-crushing and Mitsunari’s mood immediately became dark. He scowled at everyone, every minor infraction called for a threat and punishment. Motochika also became stubborn and temperamental. Ieyasu and Magoichi eventually end up talking to Motochika about it and finally get them to actually sit down and have a talk. Motochika explains that the way to honor him is to try his best to live, not throw it away and Mitsunari says that his greatest wish is to be of service, to win together. They eventually reach some sort of deal, but it takes a while for them to fully regain their comfort around each other.

BONUS #1: Song to sum them up? Change of Seasons- Sweet ThingBONUS #2: A head canon? One of their favorite activities to do is to build stuff. Motochika is the muscle and the imaginative force, but Mitsunari is a whizz with numbers and can always calibrate and measure things accurately. It fits both of their interests and at the end of the day they celebrate their achievement (which is always bound to be flippin’ cool and run like a dream) with tea and a snuggle session.

BOTTOM LINE: Do I ship it? I do, but I tend to be more for platonic Motochika x Mitsunari, because I like Motochika being the big brother, protective one for Mitsunari. I like him teaching Mitsunari how to live life just because and to have fun even if it doesn’t serve a practical purpose.

#Anonymous #Sengoku Basata #Chosokabe Motochika #Ishida Mitsunari #Motochika x Mitsunari #Headcanons #Sorry this is so late OMG #Work and Health have just been abysmal #I hope you like it though!#Let me know if you don't #Also the song took me the longest and I don't even know man...

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gizzbian · 5 years

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what do your ocs do when they feel sad

i can tell you one thing gabe DOESNT do when hes sad: cope with it healthily

gabe has never been one to really express any vulnerable feelings, mostly believing that men shouldn’t be emotional. so, instead of expressing himself and working through his problems, he ignores them and then does drugs to cope. sometimes, after a really long time of shoving them away, they all bubble up in an angry outburst, but luckily he has eloise to talk him down from that. he also has a collection of songs that he’s written but will never see the light of day.

mikey, on the other hand, is quite sensitive and has always been that way. he knows how to cope with his emotions on his own, though he tends not to go to anyone for help mainly because when he was younger, his father never let him cry. so, mikey is more independent and can work through his feelings alone - even if he needs help, he still finds it a struggle to ask for it. so, mikey paints and sketches, and usually those art pieces don’t get shown to other people; they’re his and his alone.

jonah is much more levelheaded than mikey and gabe combined; he knows his feelings, knows exactly what he needs, and knows who to go to if he needs help. typically, he’ll go to his mom, but quite often he goes to carrie and asks her to help him through it. he’ll talk through what’s going on and think about the best rational way to fix the problem.

#didnt do henry bc hes not as developed yet #but he will be!!#gabe #mikey #jonah #Anonymous

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literateape · 6 years

Text

Star Wars Probably Taught You Some Dumb, Wrong Shit

By Kari Castor

Star Wars taught most of us some dumb, wrong shit.

No, no, it’s OK. Hear me out.

I’m right here with you. I too learned some dumb, wrong shit from Star Wars — in particular from the Jedi — and I didn’t realize entirely how dumb and wrong it all was until fairly recently.

I say this as a devoted fan of the Star Wars franchise. I have a Rebel Alliance tattoo, one femme Han Solo and two Jedi cosplays in my closet, what is probably an unreasonable amount of Star Wars merch in my home and my cat is named Leia. I love this shit. There are some people who love it more than me — I haven’t read every EU (now Legends) novel that has ever existed or played every video game ever made or read every issue of every comic, and I don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of every single minor character in the Mos Eisley Cantina — but I have definitely long surpassed the level of Casual Fan.

And I’m siding with Luke in The Last Jedi. It’s time to let those fuckers die out.

Why this sudden animosity for everyone’s favorite space warrior monks?

OK, so the thing about monastic orders is that they mostly work best when they exist at a remove from the everyday world. But is that how the Jedi do things? Oh, hell no. They’re all up in worldly business all the damn time. And yet they try to do that while maintaining a strict tradition of emotionless non-attachment.

So, like, on the surface it might sound pretty OK to have a neutral peacekeeping force made up of people who have been trained since childhood to keep their emotions in check and react calmly and rationally to tense situations. If we trained our cops in the U.S. like that, you might think, maybe there’d be a lot fewer faces of dead black kids running through the veins of our social media.

But hold up for a second and think about the actual Jedi you’ve seen onscreen. Did any of them ever live up to this ideal? No. No, they did not. And do you know why they did not? Because it’s fucking impossible to be unattached to the world and still care enough about the world to fight for order and peace and justice in it.

A couple weeks ago I wrote an essay here on Literate Ape in favor of liberal anger at members of the Trump administration. In response to it, I got the following comment: “Preaching hate and violence is not the answer.”

Listen. No matter what Yoda told you, anger isn’t the enemy of goodness and it isn’t the same thing as hate or violence. Sure, anger can be expressed violently, but that isn’t the only way to express it. Sure, you might feel hate toward someone you’re angry at, but I’ve also been very angry at people I love very much. You’re allowed to be angry when someone does something hurtful to you. You’re allowed to be angry when someone does something morally abhorrent. You’re allowed to be angry when something is unjust. Do you think abolitionists weren’t angry at the slave owners who kept people as property and denied them their humanity? Do you think the women who fought to get the vote weren’t angry at having been denied a voice in their government? Do you think the activists who fought for civil rights weren’t angry at having been denied the same rights as their fellow man? Don’t be fucking stupid. Of course they were angry. And they expressed that anger by fighting for the things that mattered to them and the things they knew were right.

It isn’t morally wrong to feel anger.

What you do with your anger might be morally wrong, but it also might not be — you’re in control of your own actions, and if you do something shitty and wrong with your anger, that’s your fault, not the anger’s.

But the Jedi act like you can bypass any problems like this altogether by just opting out of emotions entirely.

There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no passion, there is serenity. These are basic tenets of the Jedi code, and holy fuck, what a terrible thing to teach a child. And remember, the Jedi do teach these things to children — very young children whom they’ve taken away from their lives and their families, and who are undoubtedly excited because, I mean, you’re going to get to build your very own laser sword eventually and that’s obviously fucking rad, but also scared and lonely and confused because some little green jagoff is telling you that you have to just stop missing your mom and your pet womp rat Snuffles and your single-biome home planet because fuck your feelings, you fucking snowflake.

It’s wildly unhealthy to suppress and vilify all strong emotions. It’s no wonder Jedi fall to the dark side like I fall for obnoxious men (read: with some frequency). No one’s ever taught them what to do with the emotions that they’re inevitably going to feel — the Jedi teachings on managing your emotions amount to: Have you tried, like, not having them? Meditation is cool.

So what do you do when you’re a Jedi and you’re suddenly having emotions and just don’t have them isn’t working, no matter how much meditation you do? Well, you could wallow in your emotions and be an abject failure of a Jedi (womp womp). Or you could join the Sith and stop getting shat on for having feels.

Note that this is not a defense of the Sith; they’re not actually any better than the Jedi, they’re just bad in a different way. Letting your emotions be in charge of all your choices and prioritizing “it feels good” over “it’s the right thing” is no healthier a way to live than suppressing all of your emotions. The Jedi martyr themselves to an absurd and unattainable zen ideal, while the Sith are narcissists of the highest order. Both sides deny their adherents the tools and training to live an emotionally responsible and healthy life.

Seriously, look at Anakin and tell me the whole fucking galaxy wouldn’t be a lot different if anyone had ever bothered to teach him some basic coping skills. How do you healthily process grief? Not by murdering a shitload of Sand People. How do you productively face your fears? Not by letting some creepy old dude convince you that the only way to prevent them from coming true is to go on another murder rampage. How do you appropriately respond when the froyo place is out of coconut? Not by murdering the owner and all the patrons.

You can’t unsubscribe from your feelings. You can't just stomp them down and expect that they’ll never come back up and smack you in the face at an inopportune time. I promise you it doesn’t work; I’ve learned this lesson the hard way myself. I tried to follow the path of the light side, tried to accept a difficult situation and manage my emotions by just not having them so strongly. I drowned my anger and pain in serenity and peace. And when their corpses started to rot in there, they poisoned all of that serenity and peace and made a real mess of my emotional well-being — a mess I’m still in the process of cleaning up.

Anger is a legitimate response to a wrong. Passion drives people to fight for justice and what’s right. Grief is a sign that someone or something mattered to us. Love makes people care enough about the world to make it better. Strong emotions and even so-called negative emotions are not an enemy to be conquered and subdued, despite what the Jedi would teach. Emotions tell you things, and you should listen to them — though not always act upon them — and learn to value and coexist with them.

The path to goodness does not begin with burying your own needs and desires and feelings. The path to evil does not begin with allowing yourself to feel anger or grief. These absurdly extremist ideas make for pithy soundbites but don’t actually hold up to any real scrutiny. It’s time we all let the Jedi and their emotionally repressive bullshit die. Let the Sith die, too. Let go of whatever dumb, wrong lessons you learned from any of them. The galaxy needs fewer Jedi and fewer Sith.

It probably needs more therapists.

#Star Wars #Star Wars: The Last Jedi #Jedi #emotions #feelings #emotional health #repression

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