There were a lot of other reasons Hazel had speculated, privately or to Nico, about why their father seemed to hold her at arm's length. Maybe Pluto wasn't affectionate. Maybe Hades, his primary form of choice, had trouble recognizing her as his child whenever she was around because she was "Greek" enough. Maybe he just didn't like her. Maybe he didn't like any of his mortal children and Nico was just an exception to the rule.
With that one, Nico usually rolled his eyes, told her she was overthinking it and flicked her between the eyes.
She tried to hide it, her jealousy, her feelings over the situation, in the same way she had tried to hide her feelings how it felt when she could see him mentally comparing her to Bianca, back in the early stages of their relationship. Before he sat her down and made her talk it out with him. Nico had always been painfully observant, so as subtle as she tried to be with her feelings, they had not gone unnoticed. They rarely ever did.
After handing her an envelope of cash - her allowance - a couple weeks ago, he'd grabbed her by the face and said, "Just ask him."
It was true asking had never steered her wrong. Pluto, Hades, whichever one stood before her, didn't deny her her answers for the most part. He didn't deny her much of anything. She'd offhandedly mentioned wanting a pet when she was little and he told her to take her pick.
"Any of them but Cerberus," he'd said. "You can talk to Menoetes about it."
Then he vanished through the wall and they didn't speak again for two months. She got a ram out of it though, a little black baby with thick curly wool.
"He looks like you," Nico had whispered and she lovingly thumped his forehead in response.
Pluto did that a lot though. Vanished quickly when she was around, when they were alone. If she called out for him, he'd appear in a heartbeat. But the moment their conversation was done, he'd leave. Or hand her off to someone else.
It was like she was a chore to be dealt with. Rather than child he actually cared about.
Which wouldn't have mattered much if she didn't have to watch him dote on Nico. They could exist in the same space, quiet in each other's company. He didn’t hum excuses to leave when Nico showed up. Didn't foist him onto someone else whenever he could.
If it wasn't for the fact that Macaria was also black and Pluto's favourite child, Hazel would have some speculations.
Could gods even be racist? They weren't really people in racial sense. Sure, they had their default, their preferred, their go-to forms but, as pictures and paintings showed, that easily changed over time. With what they wanted to be, or what popular perception was. They could change their forms at will, whenever, however, they wanted. Race very much was not likely the issue here.
She'd been stewing in her thoughts for days after she received her allowance. She'd seen Hades plunk out of the ground like a zombie to hand Nico his once. But Pluto, who by all means should want to be dealing the money himself, never did that for her. She always got it delivered by Nico, or Mercury.
And whenever it was Nico, it was always followed by, "Dad gave me this for you."
The thing was, it would hurt less if he just denied her the same access. If she was like everyone else, separated from her godly parent by an invisible unspoken barrier. If she called out his name and he didn't answer her.
She could rectify a lot of things, if he didn't treat her like his child. But he did. An allowance. A pet. A small room designated all to her in his house. He answered when she called. He made her lunch if she asked.
He let her live a second time, skirting the real rules for rebirth.
But he was... Different.
He wasn’t mean, or even cold. Just off-putting. He wanted to treat her like she was his daughter but the way he behaved... Sometimes she felt like he didn’t want her to be.
She’d grabbed a shadowy marble and crushed it between her fingers. The world slid out from her under, turned dark and empty. Then solid earth formed under her feet. Shadowtravel was not her expertise just yet so, in the middle of her praticing with Hecate, Pluto had appeared to give her the marbles as a gift. Said he wanted to make sure she had them before she left the Underworld.
And then ran off to deal with something before she could thank him.
She took a deep breath and walked to his office. She knew what she wanted to say, what she had to say before it choked her whole. She was here. It was time.
When she entered the office, it was Hades in charge this time, no surprise to her. But when she stood at his desk and asked him, point blank, if he wanted her to stop coming around, stop relying on him for help or assistance, if he didn’t like her, he changed. Long hair turned cropped short. Tired but pleasant smile turned thin lips stretched straight. Jewels that hadn’t been there sprouted across his knuckles and neck. His clothes changed too, from a simple black long-sleeved shirt to a sharp expensive button-up with silver cufflinks. His pants remained the same, long shadowy slacks.
He didn’t have any shoes on. He never did.
When Hades spoke to her, he was firm but soft in tone. When Pluto spoke, he was louder, confident. Still kind, but harder. Rougher edged, like a diamond.
“Of course, I like you.” He stared at her like she was stupid. “I love you very much. You are my daughter. It is my responsibility to take care of you.”
Laughable. She remembered stories Nico had told her of pulling their father into church on Sunday mornings, being told stories of gods and monsters by their immortal siblings, their father making soup for breakfast when he was sick. A war was on the horizons, everyone could see it, and when he should’ve been preparing for the influx of souls, he was making breakfast.
He’d never made her breakfast before she died.
He wasn’t around to take care of her.
“You didn’t though.” She wrung her wrist and cut in before he could speak. “I get it, if you’re different than Hades. You don’t have to replicate that behaviour just because Nico is around. I wasn’t expecting anything before and I’m not expecting anything now.”
He lifted his hands off the desk and placed them on his knees. Slowly he spun to face her. He regarded her quietly. Then waved a hand. Shadows nudged at the back of her knees. She sat down on the newly formed chair. It was cold to the touch and gave in a plush-like way, comfortable underneath her.
“I am the same person, whether I am Hades or whether I am Pluto,” he said. “My priorities adjust, my personality may shift a bit, but who I am at my core will never change. I love my children. I take care of them. I don’t replicate my behaviour because Nico is around.” He took a deep breath. “Your mother was complicated. I preferred not to deal with her, which limited my in-person visits. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t there.”
She considered his words as he paused. She had met him one time, right before her mother told her about Alaska. He had given her advice, told her about her fate, gave her gifts then left to deal with her mother.
She tried, hard, to think of anything more subtle. When waiting for waffles with Nico in the kitchen, she’d seen shadowy hands make coffee right before Macaria walked in. She’d seen the ground shift Nico out of the way of a charging ram. Heard Melinoe ask aloud for a pen and it plonked into her open hand.
But all Hazel had wished for, asked for, wanted was a normal life.
And she didn’t get it.
“You never met a monster before Alcyoneus,” Pluto continued. “Do you think that is normal for a child as powerful as you?” She pulled her knees to her chest and shook her head. The shadows merged to rest under the tips of her feet. “I took care of you as best I could.”
Did he though?
She swallowed thickly and looked him dead in the eyes. “You saved Nico.”
This.
It was the one thing that sat firm in her head, the highest priorities in her jealousy. She tried hard not to dwell on it, but it always came back. That he saved Nico but left her to die. That he knew, with certainty, that her mother was dragging her to her doom but didn’t do anything besides ask her to stay, like that was going to do anything.
He left her. But he saved him.
“You saved Nico,” she repeated. “Saved him from dying.” She looked at her knees, clenched her hands tight around her ankles. “You saved him and Bianca and you didn’t save me.” She closed her eyes. “You can’t even say it was because of Alaska and godly boundaries or whatever bullshit you guys come up with because you were there. You were there before I left.” Shadows dispelled into mist as her feet slammed to the ground. “You knew I was going to die and you left me anyway.”
He gently placed a hand on her chest and pushed her back into the chair. She resisted at first, then relented.
He folded his hands across one another. His body was stiff, stern. But his voice devoid of emotions. “Your mother would never have let me take you. And if I did, she would’ve called on Hecate to help get you back. That is why I urged her to stay, not to leave.”
“Why didn’t you just take us both?” She crossed her arms and tried to look as stern and detached from the conversation as he did. But in reality she felt like the same frightened upset little girl she had been when she first met him. Her voice was different, matured, but the tone was all the same. “You tried to take Nico’s mom down here.”
“Hazel-”
"Just admit you don’t like me! It’s okay.”
It would hurt, but it would be okay. She wouldn’t mind that much if he didn’t like her. She’d have the relief from thinking too much about their relationship - what it was, why it felt so stilted.
“I do like you,” he insisted. She resisted the urge to scoff. “I love you, in fact. You’re very confident. You’re strong. You’re logical and caring.” He laughed gently. The shadows under her trembled with his tone. “What’s not to love?”
“Then why didn’t you help me? I needed you and you left me behind.”
His lips thinned. “It’s complicated.”
Her gaze hardened. “It’s not. You saved Nico. You saved Bianca. Zagreus told me you had tried to intervene in the junkyard to save her again. You wanted to bring their mother with them the first time. So why didn’t you just grab us too? If my mother was just going to summon me back to her, why didn’t you just take her with you?” She clenched her hands into fists. “You knew I was going to die.”
“Hazel-”
“Why not!”
He stared at her. Pain reflected in his eyes. He cleared his throat and shifted. Sat back. Closed his eyes. Took a breath and said in a clear but quiet voice, “Because your mother raped me.”
Of all the things, she’d thought he’d say, that wasn’t it.
It was like the world had plunged from under her feet. She was floating outside of herself, in a void like space. Pluto just watched her. His face was molded to reveal no emotions to how he was feeling but she had a feeling her face was showing nothing but feelings.
Her voice croaked. “What?”
“Your mother raped me,” he repeated, just as clear as before. “For her safety, it was best she not come here until dead. If she so chose this afterlife, of course.”
For her safety.
For her safety?
The words caught violent in her throat. She wanted to scream and throttle him. How dare he say that about her mother. Sure, she was a complicated person but she wasn’t. She wasn’t.
She would never!
She stood up roughly and stepped back. Her legs plunged cold in the shadows. Pluto only looked weary. “You’re lying.”
“Why would I lie about something like that?” He cocked his head. “Do you think men cannot be raped by women?”
She glared at him. Of course, she didn’t think that, but still! “You’re a god! How- She- You-”
There were too many thoughts crashing in her mind, like a cave-in. Rocks slamming against each other and splintering before she could see the full sentence. Her face felt too hot, her body too anxious. Adrenaline was spiking through her heart.
Her blood soared in her ears.
“Hazel.” The world silenced. She looked up at him, standing in front of her, looming tall. It should’ve been scary. But he looked only tired as he gazed down at her. “Do you want me to tell you what happened or would you rather believe I’m lying?”
A choice. He was giving her an out, a way to still believe that deep down her mother was a good person. Just complicated, just struggling.
Her lips trembled. She barely recognized her voice when she spoke with a raspy whisper. “What happened?”
He picked her up by her waist and lowered her into his chair this time. Then squatted to her height. She clenched her hands at her sides. Her heart was still pounding. Desperation shot through her. She wanted it to be obvious that he was lying. She wanted it to be obvious that he was trying to save face, trying to pretend like he had always been a good father to her, that he would’ve been better if her mother hadn’t been the problem.
But his eyes peered back at her with nothing but earnest intentions and she remembered Nico laughing into her ear one time that “Dad doesn’t like to lie.”
She swallowed thickly.
“When Hecate met your mother, she saw that she was full of potential as a witch. Your mother had a very limited belief in magic and she had little interest in pursuing it. Nonetheless, Hecate wanted your mother to be her apprentice. She managed to convince her to indulge in little things here and there. At her request, Hecate gave her a spell to summon wealth and prosperity.” His eyes fell from hers. “It was a spell to summon me.”
He squeezed his hands, rubbing them over one another. Jason had a similar habit, but that was from years of biting on them until they bled causing nerve damage. Here it just seemed... nervous.
“Your mother had tweaked the spell to imprison me where I was as soon as I appeared. She wanted wealth, I refused, so she kept me. We had just been in a war. I could tell that another one would soon erupt. I was extremely busy,” he said, “cleaning up, finding lost souls, helping other gods retrieve their lost souls, helping to restore economic balance, handling requests for metals from other gods who gave their supplies to the war.
“I wanted freedom. I needed it, I had to come back to my role. But she refused. After several weeks of stasis, I told her that I would grant her wish. She had me swear on the Styx.” He took a deep breath. “She wanted wealth, all the jewels and money in the world. To be famed, to be fortuned. I warned her that greedy requests weigh heavily, that they often accompany curses. The stronger the demand, the more powerful the curse.
“I asked her to change her request, to simplify it. I suggested that I bless her instead. No matter the situation, she would always have a customer willing to buy. She was adamant about what she wanted. I was adamant that a curse of such power would be too much for a mortal to handle.
Hazel’s head swarmed. Too much for a mortal to handle. Too much... for a mortal.
“She told me she knew.” Pluto reached up to tuck a curl behind her ear. It popped back out anyway and he smiled, bitter and thin, before he went stiff and stoic. Remembering what this conversation was.
What she was.
His eyes turned from her face to stare at the wall. But he held her hand in his. It was cold to the touch. “Hecate had already warned her, but she had figured out a loophole herself before she summoned me.” He turned back to her. His eyes... Hazel looked away. “She... used me, until she could confirm she was pregnant, and then, after she passed her first trimester, she let me go. I went home. I didn’t speak of it.”
The silence between them thundered.
“Why not?” she whispered.
“Because I didn’t want anything to happen to you.”
The king of the dead, valuing a life above everything else. It would’ve been poetic, had the cause behind it not been so miserable.
She didn’t realize she was shaking until he squeezed her hands. She stilled. “I-” Warmth burned behind her eyes. She closed them and exhaled a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”
“It was not your fault,” he said. He pulled her closer to him. “Hazel, it is very important to me that you understand it was not your fault. And that I love you deeply. But I struggle with you because you carry your mother’s face.” A whispery sob shivered from out of her mouth and he cupped her cheek sweetly. “The training with Hecate does not help either. But that is my problem and I am working on it because I have never wanted you to think I didn’t care for you, as I do my other children.”
If she thought about it hard enough, through all the pounding thoughts and the screaming in her head, she could see it. That he lingered more often than he used to. That he offered her things, offered her his time. But she had started becoming more confident in her powers lately and so he’d drifted away again.
Which is what kicked off her recent pain.
She had been the cause of her own anguish.
His hand fell away from hers as she pressed both against her mouth and shook where she sat. Then her hands fell away and she sobbed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
It echoed out of her like a broken record. He cupped her cheeks between both cold hands and quietly shushed her, whispering that it was okay, she had nothing to apologize for, it wasn’t her fault.
Her mother had been a complicated person before. Someone that Hazel knew loved her, but never really said it. Someone that abused her but was troubled herself so it was okay. Hazel had given her mother a lot of leeway throughout her life. Throughout all the pain and screaming, she would sit curled up in bed and remind herself over and over again that it was okay because her mother loved her. She was just struggling, she was just having a hard time.
It was harder to see her as complicated and not just downright terrible now.
She knew that the curse would be too much for her to handle so she figured out a way to ensure she wouldn’t have to handle it. Figured out a way to throw it onto another person. Hazel had spoken to her Roman siblings. A small few of them shared her power, albeit smaller and not at all cursed. They could manipulate the metal. They could summon it, if it sat nearby, use it to steal someone’s sword out of their hand or bend a blade backwards.
But it required copious amounts of effort for even that, copious amounts of training. It didn’t come as easily to them as it did to Hazel. But it only came easy to her because of her curse.
She was the perfect person for the Fates to bestow the curse upon. Within her godly veins, she already carried the capacity for it. And wasn’t that always how it worked? A parent did something awful so their child was chosen to suffer in their place. She wondered how miserable that made Pluto. He was already being abused in search for power and now a child he loved despite the circumstances was going to have no choice but to suffer for it.
Her mother didn’t care about the curse. She just wanted money.
Her mother didn’t care about Hazel. She just wanted power.
She wanted to scream.
Pluto pulled Hazel into his chest, tucking her up so tight she couldn’t feel anything but his presence around her as she sobbed. As she screamed. As she pounded at his chest with weak, flailing fists. All the while he shushed her calmly, rocked her back and forth in his arms. Distantly, she remembered this. Crying into her bed after someone screamed at her on the street, her mother dismissing her because she was busy. She was sad, and young, and wrapped herself up in thin gray sheets to cry. But the sheets felt heavier, cooler, than normal.
She’d been too sad to think much of it, and she’d been too young to consider it once she was done. Now...
But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t there.
There for her in her grief, then and now.
She cried harder.
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