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izukult · 3 years

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Okok awesome! 🖤🖤 I do have a wide variety in my music taste but artists most in my rotation are definitely Tyler the creator, Doja cat (streets?? Pls on rpt 🤤) and Arctic Monkeys, (pls don’t feel restrained by these artists tho !) very much chill vibes and driving late at night if that makes sense asjfkdkka. Personality wise I’m pretty awkward and fairly antisocial, very much ->🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️😨 but once you get to know me I’m pretty loud and a little much tbh 🤭 like my laugh is genuinely TOO loud lmaooo, and I would very much appreciate it with Kageyama if that’s not too much to ask 😳👉🏼👈🏼 thank you again 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

hello my love. if i hadn’t known you, i wouldn’t have done this any kind of justice. BUT STRAP YOUR ASS IN WIFEY YOU KNOW WHAT IT BE. @chubbybunny111

you and kageyama.

oh god you and kageyama would scare the fuck out of me as a couple. have you seen those memes like boy who doesn’t talk all too much 💖 girl who loud asf? you two. LMAOOO.

definitely you two make fun of each other. on the daily. but, he also grumbles little compliments to u all nervous like. i feel like he would very much like your hair?? like,, it’s so curly,, it’s so pretty,,,, do a fella a favor and let him play with it, yeah?

i’m just imaging you in your straight clothes from high school and him in a disgusting unwashed sweaty ass volleyball uniform😻😻 IM SORRY OK ANYWAY

you two share earbuds all the time. just sittin next to each other in moderate silence with tunes playing.

he is so bad at texting LMAOOO. you’d send an ironic emoji and he’s done for? he just stares at it. blankly. void of any emotion other than confusion.

“i’m sorry did you just send ‘🤕’ after telling me you love me?”

“hey, you’re crying. why are you using 😋 right now?”

i’m sorry for making fun of him but also i’m NOT THATS SO FUNNY.

now, don’t take what i said earlier wrong, he’s not just like oh yes quiet around you (that’s not his personality people need to be better🙄), but when you two are in public he’s not like really affectionate? unless he’s jealous because he is (infact) an insecure bitch, but whenever that happens it feels forced and awkward figure that out kags.

we see the way he acts with hinata like? if he’s comfortable with you he’s going to be loud as fuck there’s no denying it. yall get told to shut up like on the daily?

shares his milk with you😁 not his food tho

LMAOFJAOFJS IM SORRY BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MANS RELATIONSHIP WITH EATING? you ain’t getting between that babe

anyway here’s a fucking playlist for your hot ass i am literally in love with you. i really like this playlist tbh :)

1. sometimes (backwood); gigi- starting off with my favorite song at the moment. this isn’t really completely a deep meaning with the lyrics thing, because this song is pretty sad? i think it’s so vibey. it’s so good. it’s just a gentle, quiet night with the windows open and a full moon. however, like i said he’s insecure and has overthought while listening to this song.

2. breezeblocks; alt-J- mostly just a banger, indeed. you’re driving (i would not trust him behind the wheel? ever?), the lights are super pretty, he’s looking at you from the passenger seat ‘discretely’. he doesn’t want you to go, so those lyrics are accurate, but he’s also not a murderer dw😁 he couldnt

3. i wanna be yours; arctic monkeys- PHEW. OKAY. OKAY JESUS CHRSIT. no because you don’t understand yall are in LOVE? like in LOVE. he probably kisses you for the first time while this shit playing. he also, by default, blushes EVERY TIME THIS SONG COMES ON. such a lil bitch baby🙄

4. sucker; jonas brothers- stop before you say anything this song is unironically so good. i? could imagine you like? terribly dancing to this i dunno. i feel like if you got tobio in the right mood he would jam to some music w you‼️

5. EARFQUAKE; tyler, the creator- i think kageyama was like the kind of guy who mentally was constantly like “i want a gIRLFRIEND FUCK🤬🤬🤬”, but lile also once it happens? svary as fuck. have we not talked about how he does not really like himself much (thinking ab him practicing his smile rn poor baby). so yea, bad self confidence & in love with you. this song. PLUS, it’s a banger.

6. streets; doja cat- you at him lmao. do i have to say anything else?

7. ivy; frank ocean- he would put this song on a playlist for you and then not tell you about the song or the playlist and still get nervous about how youd react lmaooo. however, yknow in movies when like the guy looks at the girl and the music swells? that but with an emo volleyball player and frank ocean

8. redbone; childish gambino- very chill vibes and driving late at night energy. this song plays while yall lay on like ur couch or smth and you’re messing with the ends of his hair and he’s playing videos on his phone with one hand and like kind of awkwardly nervously trying to hold ur hand with the other and he just does the pinky thing thAT WE WERE TALKIN BOUT LMAOO

9. cocoa butter kisses; chance the rapper- i feel like if you were to smoke, this is the song you’d get high to. i don’t have much reason other than that? i can just see this playing in the background as you two exist together

10. my kind of woman; mac demarco- man, you’re really driving him mad🙄 BUT‼️ I THINK? ITS ALRIGHT WITH HIM😳. he’s absolutely whipped and he didn’t even know he had the ABILITY. i feel like you like to prove people wrong, so here’s another instance.

11. casual; doja cat- i know everyone hates getting played, but you feel like you would take a LOTTA precautions to avoid that, including the whole walls up deal. you’re super upfront about it? you’re not like secretly testing the waters, you’re like ‘if ur fucking w me gtfo of my face lol’ but clearly you wouldn’t talk to kags like that (however he’d hurriedly say he’s not a little too loud)

12. afraid; the neighbourhood- ABSOLUTE TOBIO ENERGY (also oikawa energy, i think its so cute that we are married and the mfs we choose to love r rivals). but anywho, absolute MAD tobio energy. yes he also takes out his insecurities with anger don’t actually like he’s not gonna have to work on that lmao

13. sex on fire; kings of leon- arguably one of the best songs to ever exist. he would be like ?!😳 the first time he heard it and youd probably like flick him LMAOFJAODJ this is just a good jam song for you two. he would definitely sing this song with you, don’t care don’t care

14. scary love; the neighbourhood- i’m beginning to think the neighbourhood just has kageyama energy? remind me to look into that later. either way, i’m putting extreme emphasis on this song. this song is completely how he feels. this song is IT. he watches in anticipation as he “shows you it cos it’s a good song”. please just be nice to him (while also bullying him😁)

15. when you were young; the killers- you’ve made out to this song i’m so sorry. MAYBE THATS JUST BECAUSE I THINK THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECTTTTJRJEJTI SONG. god. good fucking music. equal mix of good song and the lyrics hitting

#haikyuu x reader #bunny :d #smh my wife #haikyuu playlists #ikigaitooru playlists #kageyama #kageyama tobio #kageyama playlist #tobio playlist #kageyama x reader #kageyama tobio x reader #kageyama tobio playlist #lol #kageyama hcs #kageyama fluff

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gendice · 6 years

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(1) oh honey I feel your struggle. I'm a writer in this fandom too and like... I KNOW my stuff is good. I know it. And I have spent MONTHS on fics before only to post them to a lukewarm reception. It sucks because there are so many factors. So many! Posting time vs timezones, how many followers you have, the off chance of a popular blog reblogging it.. etc. And the most frustrating thing is sometimes I'll get a good reception on one website but NONE on another site, for the exact same fic!

The unfortunate thing is that’s just kinda .. how it is. It blows dude like fandom artists don’t really have to face that? The barrier to entry for them is so much lower I think. I’ve been writing for a very long time and I’ve sort of come to terms now with the fact that sometimes a story is just only going to get so many likes/comments/etc. Even when I think it deserves more or even when I feel like I haven’t gotten back nearly as much as I poured into it in the end I just try to remember that I’m writing for me more than anyone else. Everything I write makes me a better writer, so even if I post a fic and it only gets half the notes I’d hoped for, I’m still glad to have written it and put it out there. I’m still glad for the people who did read it and love it. I’m not trying to be preachy or anything, its just hard watching you struggle over something I’ve also struggled with for so very very long :/

Even established writers struggle with this! Like, I have a fic on ao3 that’s got 1000+ kudos and yet the Tumblr post for it slipped completely under the radar with few notes. You just can’t predict the whims of the internet sometimes. The only thing you can do when you’re sad about the reception of a story is to keep writing. The more you write the bigger you audience grows!! It’s the only constant that’s stayed with me from fandom to fandom. If you just keep writing, the readers will come.

sorry for the wall of text!! I really thought your story was lovely, and had a unique style to it. I hope you keep on writing no matter what, from one writer to another. Don’t be discouraged :)

hhhh h h ok i don’t want to discredit artists bc i know they spend a lot of time and effort on their works too but i think it’s easier for them to get notes/reception bc their works are visual and people can see what it is at a glance and decide whether they like it or not instead of having to spend actual time reading a bunch of words lol

but anyway you’re right and logically i DO know there are plenty of factors to how well a fic will be received but also i can’t help but worry that it’s my fault that they’re doing so poorly?? i worry that the content that im putting out isn’t what people want to see which is the reason why my fics do so badly and, idk, i want to know what im doing wrong and what i can do to make it better but i just can’t? im not trying to say that my fics are better than those that get more hits/kudos but i can’t help it when i look at some more popular fics and i try to study them but i dont get what people like about them so much?? sorry this just makes me sound like a jackass but it’s probably just personal preference and mine being so different from the majority of the fandom’s which is also why i can’t write stuff that people like

god i know everyone says that you should write for yourself and part of me does which is why i stick so closely to the style that i do but also it’s just,, numbers in the form of hits/kudos/notes serve as affirmation that my stuff is good, and it’s the only thing my flimsy-ass self esteem can rely on because i absolute hate hate h a t e the stuff that i make sometimes and i doubt myself so much all the time so when i see that a fic does well, it tells me that hey this isnt so bad, but when i see a fic flop it’s like, confirmation that my stuff stinks big time which is. its a sucky feeling. i know it’s not good to have that kind of mentality but it’s just the way that i am??? lets be real here like i can say in confidence that im a thirsty bitch and i do want people to read and like and kudos my stuff and my self esteem gets kicked repeatedly every time my fics flop so. h yea h

honestly if it werent for my followers on here (sorry 2 everyone) and me shoving my fics in their faces i probably wont even get more than 100 hits on my fics lol and i feel kind of bad bc a part of me wants to deserve the hits and kudos that i get instead of having them just bc i kept yelling at my followers about my fics (i kind of feel like those people who would hold up the news and yell hear ye in medieval times or whatever) but. idk im conflicted cos i know this is one kind-of efficient way to get people to notice my fics. but part of me feels Bad when i do so too but idk. its also bc of this that i refuse to tag people or ask them directly to rb my fic posts bc i’d feel really guilty and ashamed and i don’t want to use people in that way?? and i’m not close friends with a lot of people on here either especially popular content creators so honestly i don’t think a lot of writers/blogs with large followings would rb my fic posts either so basically im just fucking myself over lol

god sorry im ranting and i know i don’t technically have a right to bitch so much since as i’ve said before 1) my stuff isn’t as good as some other people who i know face this same problem and honestly deserve so much more attention for their works and 2) i havent even been writing for that long so i really am not allowed to complain but hh h h idk i just get super frustrated over this i cant help it

#anon #answers #sorry i am RANTING again #i know i should change my mindset but this isnt just my mindset for writing.#its a regular mindset thats been with me since i first created content for anything and its just that now its been carried over to writing #i want to change but i literally dont have confidence in anything that i do #anyway thank you so much for your kind words regardless and i really appreciate you sending this and trying to help <3

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irndad · 6 years

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i wanna be your baby

title: i wanna be your baby

ship: peter parker (17 yo) x stark!reader

wc: 1.6k

a/n: hello! this is my first fic on this blog (consider following lol) and i really hope you like it! STRANGER THINGS REFERENCESSSS no spoilers!

tell me what u think!!!!

Today is going to be a great day. Honestly, Peter is so excited for today, honestly. Today, he gets to hang out with one of his best friends, Miss Stark, as JARVIS calls her. He’s going to sit down with a friend he adores time with and they’re going to watch a movie.

Peter is not at all excited about the fact he might get an arm around her, or how her head might rest on his shoulder the way that she lets it sometimes when she’s you know, not ready to kill someone. He’s not excited about the way she’s going to laugh at the shows and make his heart skip because that doesn’t happen because Peter does not like Miss Stark.

He also didn’t put an absurd amount of time into picking exactly which T-shirt he was going to wear to see her, not at all. He ended up wearing a T shirt of her favorite band on it, hair kind of pushed up the way she said she liked once.

(Coincidence, you heathen.)

Today is going to be great.

And it is.

She arrives in the basement where they keep the movies, clad in an oversized sweater that hangs loosely off her hips, black leggings around her legs. She looks lovely, the kind of lovely that makes his heart skip because he has to wonder how it’s even possible.

Peter doesn’t have a crush on her. But someone who did might have noticed how gorgeous she looked, hair mussed and careless smile upon her pink lips.

If he had a crush on her, he’d think about kissing her.

But he doesn’t, so he invites her to sit next to him on the couch and god.

She curls into him, immediately like a sleepy kitten, her head slightly on his chest and her thighs so close, so close to touching his and he’s only having this much of a heavenly feeling at it because of touch starvation.

And he’s trying to focus on picking the movie but oh god she is beautiful, the kind of beautiful that leaves you breathless, steals the breath from your lungs. She’s the warmth that keeps him from freezing. He wants to focus on the show, but every nerve in his body is focused on how lovely and warm she is.

“I have had a hell of a week Parker. Let’s just watch some Steve Harrington and let me ogle at him and everything will be okay.”

And Peter is not jealous of a steel bat wielding teenager on a TV show. Not at all. That would be silly. Besides, he’s Spiderman, he could protect her a million times better than Steve fucking Harrington.

She feels warm and his heart has that special deep sting he doesn’t want to leave (must be something he ate, maybe all that training with Cap) and he tries not to jump when he feels her fingers carding through his hair.

They’re so warm and her fingers curl around his tendrils and he almost croons like a kitten and he’s not sure if he’s touch starved or her starved. But he can’t be starved from a thing he’s not needing, so it can’t be her.

He wants to lean into it, lean into her touch and feel more of it on his skin and she smells so sweet and he swears that she’s got some sort of experience in order to be able to make his eyes flutter when she plays with hair like that.

And then there’s Steve Harrington again, and her eyes light up, her fingers instantly moving from his hair to point at the screen, moving from her position close to him (come back come back come back) and says it.

She yells it, actually.

“KICK HIS ASS, STEVE! KICK HIS ASS BABY!” she’s yelling at the screen and she’s so enthused with the boy on screen and Peter hears it, sees her hair bouncing and her excited smile at her favorite character on screen kicking ass and.

And Peter feels pathetic.

Because she called him baby. She called Steve fucking Harrington of Stranger Things baby.

She didn’t call him baby when he saved her on a mission. She didn’t call him baby when he threatened Flash for bothering her, didn’t call him baby when he told her that he’d keep her safe and she’d promised it back.

He liked the way her mouth curled around the word, and the part of his brain that bothers him too much wonders what it would be like to hear it.

She settles back into him, and Peter does not have a crush. He just puts his arm around her because he’s cold.

~oOo~

Training with Cap actually fucking sucks. It’s not like he even needs to, he’s the strongest teenager he knows. And he’s had the worst time, not getting the time with his best friend after school every day. He’s worked so hard every day for a week now, missing about 3 hang outs with her, so he could bigger.

Stronger.

And he hasn’t seen her in days but it feels like years and it’s just ridiculous because it’s not been that long.

Because the problem, you see, is that Peter Parker very much did have a crush on Miss Stark. He knew it before and knows it now, knows it with every stream of thought that crosses him when he remembers the pet name falling out of her lips.

All he can think about is the tingle of her fingers in his hair and how close her thighs were to his, how he could feel the warmth and how she is just so enchanting and how badly he wants to be the one she calls baby, wants to hear her yell that he’s the one whose saving her and keeping her safe.

Intellectually, he knows he won’t win her over by getting huge but he can’t help but think if maybe he was a little more like Steve, stronger and braver and protective of her- maybe she’d keep him in her arms just like he wants her to.

Which leads to training with Cap, becoming stronger and bigger and better so he could be someone who could deserve someone like her.

He’s being stupid.

He know’s he’s being stupid.

He’s gonna continue, though.

Until Miss Stark shows up all on her own. All on her own to the gym where they train and Cap gives her the brightest smile as she greets him with her pet name “Uncle America” and he fist bumps her. She shows up, and god he misses the sight of her.

She’s dressed lovely and she’s looking at him like she’s missed him, like maybe she’s missed him as much as he’s missed her and he remembers how sweet she smelled and how lovely she looked under the TV light and he missed her.

“Hey P,” she says, voice soft and eyes soter, gaze lingering over him for a second. “Can we talk?”

He stutters out a yes, pulling her by the wrist into the other room (he hates how he notices how soft she is to the touch), and she places her hands on her hips, looking at him intently, a mix of anger and worry in her eyes and he’s instantly concerned about her.

“What the hell, Parker?”

“What?”

“Ever since we watched Stranger Things, all you do is avoid my calls and text me once a day just to get timings from my dad! Fuck, I thought we were friends!”

“We are!” he squeaks, grabbing her hand instinctively, panicking once he realized what he’s done. He doesn’t let go, though. “We are-”

“If this is about me leaning on you and the hair stuff, I didn’t know you didn’t like me to touch you- I’m sorry.” And she’s gone soft, voice limp and him and he wants to punch himself because he’s who she needs protection from, him and his dumbassery.

“What?”

“I just thought your hair was soft and you were making that cute face at the show and now all you do is train with Cap and I just want to be the person you talk to and stuff and I’m sorry if I overstepped a bound but-”

“I really like your voice but can you stop right now?” he blurted and god. He’s a fucking idiot. She’s red, just a hint and he’s finally-

Shit-

The hair, the closeness, the proximity- it was all him.

“I was jealous.” he blurts out, and he is just so bad at this and he can’t even be mad when she cocks her head adorably, like a puppy, “of Steve harrington, you know, from the show. Cos you called him- you don’t need someone like him to protect you. I can protect you.” He’s closer to her, can feel her breath fanning over his mouth and he feels his eyelids flutter and god he has more than a crush; he loves this girl and it’s apparent in every stupid move he makes.

“….From a demodog?”

And he laughs that laugh, that gorgeous tinkle of a laugh and looks at her with bright brown eyes, leaning down.

“That and everything else. You called him baby,” he says, moving imperceptibly closer. “I wanna be your baby.”

His eyes flicker to her lips and he’s never been kissed and she is so gorgeous and oh goodness he’s never been so enamored with anyone before-

It seems sudden when she kisses him, looks at him like he’s a miracle she can’t wait to taste and he doesn’t mind, his hand on her cheek and their eyes closed and her lips are soft and he is so so gone for her.

“Good first kiss, baby.”

tag list under the cuts

(also if you don’t want to be tagged let me know!!)(i stole these from my friend @heckin-good-holland ) whose been lovely through writing this and shes a babe!

@radicalstars @once-upon-a-walking-wolf-demigod @thecreativeangel@barnesvogue @nedthegay @nevaehsuga @the-girl-with-no-plan @llotrr@uglygirlkk @macfullyloaded17 @starkintcrn @1022bridgetp @im-super-potter-locked @dianileesawsomeness @readixgkodie615 @blamebangtan@emgrace728 @nedslaptop

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #tom holland #tom holland x reader #peter parker fluff #peter parker angst #marvel imagines #avengers #spiderman #spiderman imagine

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m. sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

#JudeJournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary #journal

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identitycris1s · 3 years

Text

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:)

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes.

0 notes

dong-hyucks · 7 years

Note

Hi there cutie! I binged all your NCT scenarios yesterday 💜 and they were amazing! Here's my request. Character: NCT's Winwin 1. Enemy to Lover (I haven't seen any scenario where Winwin hates anyone, so you'll be the first!) 2. My prompt is a bit detailed, but hear me out: First Winwin hates y/n, but then prompt 7 and 39 happen. Then prompt 83. And the conclusion is a happy ending as lovers with 37, 38, and 50. Thank you, and congrats for 1K ohmygoodness gurl you're sLAYin

Dong Sicheng (Winwin) ; “I dreamt about you last night.” , “Don’t cry.” , “Stay there, I’m coming to get you.” , “Can I kiss you?” , “I think you’re beautiful.” + Enemies↣Lovers!AU / College!AU ↳ College!AU not requested

Prompts here.Masterlists

hey back cutie thanks for all your support ily

i had to omit one of the numbers (38 specifically) because i had a limit on number requests (which was five) so i hope you don’t mind :)

but thanks for making my job easier by being so detailed lmao

also can i just say listening to day6 helped me write this their lyrics are so salty lwfhakah

alrighty

so sicheng over here doesn’t hate hate you, he just dislikes your presence

he’s a transfer student from china

so are you, from [country other than s. korea lol]

needless to say, you didn’t have very good first impressions of each other

sicheng had bought a new shirt n trousers for the first day because he wanted to look presentable

he was like the first student in the lecture room

you came in like two minutes late, looking tired af, armed with your supplies and a slightly cold cup of coffee

the lecture room wasn’t that big and there were a lot of students

and the only available seat was beside sicheng or beside the seemingly hungover dude in the corner

you chose sicheng

you had to waddle in between the chairs and the moment you were a mere metre away from sitting down

you tripped over a girl’s bag that she had left on the ground

your books fell atop your chair and on the ground

and your coffee?

it went flying from your hands

and onto an unsuspecting sicheng

you gasped so loudly, and kind of just stood there covering your mouth in shock

sicheng was wide-eyed, obviously in shock

once the initial surprise blew over, he realized how many people were staring, including the professor who had walked in just as the coffee spilled

his cheeks burned in embarrassment as he glared over at you

before you could even blurt out an apology, sicheng excused himself and practically sprinted out the door

the professor just told you to wipe the spill and copy notes for both yourself and sicheng

you agreed because you felt absolutely horrible

he looked traumatized

you ventured to the non-gender specific washrooms to grab a bunch of paper towel

and you found him hunching over one of the sinks, dabbing at his body with an already soaked clump of what you had gone to get

feeling incredibly bad, you got more paper towel and tried to hand it to him

sicheng didn’t even look up, smacking your hand away, in turn making the bundle of paper towels to flutter to the floor

you were kind of like ‘well that was unnecessary’

but you didn’t say it out loud, opting to just frown as you cradled your slightly red hand

“i’m sorry for–”

“go away.”

you were shocked again by how deep and off-putting his voice was

he sounded so pissed off with you

however, you were determined to apologize properly, otherwise you’d feel terrible for the rest of the semester

“look, i just want to apologize–”

finally looking up, sicheng narrowed his watering eyes at you in a harsh glare

“i told you already, go away.”

your frown deepened

you couldn’t help but feel slightly ticked off by his behaviour

yes, you did spill coffee on him, but hey! you tried to apologize and help him out by giving him more towels but he completely blew you off

but, you knew that if you were in his shoes, you’d probably be acting the same

you definitely wouldn’t be smiling if it had been you, that’s for sure

you couldn’t even say anything before he began to hunch over the sink even more

you noticed his shoulders shaking slightly, his fingers grasping the edge of the sink tightly

“are you stupid? i told you– go away!”

he sounded much more pressing than he had the first two times

you scoffed at the fact that he had called you stupid, but decided to just leave him be

if he wanted to drench in cold coffee by himself, then so be it

after picking up the paper towels that he had smacked out of your hand and grabbing a bit more, you returned to the lecture room with furrowed brows

sicheng didn’t return to class that day

grumbling, you stayed behind in the school’s library to copy down another pair of notes for sicheng when you would’ve been at home watching tv

you didn’t even know his name

unfortunately for you, the schools only two photocopiers had been malfunctioning since the summer break was coming to an end, and they still hadn’t had a repairman come by to fix it

in other words, you had to copy the four pages worth of notes by hand

it took you roughly half an hour to copy down everything

you made sure the notes were legible, not wanting to piss sicheng off even more because you were going to be honest with yourself; sicheng being mad at you made you mad somehow

you thought it was odd but something about sicheng just irked you

what, you had no clue

anyway, you learned his name the next day when the professor asked him to stay after class

you guys still had to sit together because the other seats were filled

you spent the entire two weeks plain out ignoring each other, and when you did interact there was usually some sour looks involved

everyone thought you were crazy for disliking sicheng

according to literally everyone else on campus, he was a total sweetheart

you: “if only you knew hmph”

although, you did have to come to terms with it after witnessing sicheng being kind to others yourself

“dammit”

then, once that fortnight had passed

you could’ve sworn your professor hated you

he told the class that he was going to have you be in partners to do some major research

and lo and behold

you were partnered up with sicheng

typical cliches amirite

you didn’t have a choice

working with your partner efficiently helped with your mark (ba dum tss)

and you weren’t up to having marks docked purely because you disliked your partner

neither was sicheng

you guys begrudgingly exchanged numbers, avoiding eye contact the entire time

you didn’t even talk face to face you just agreed to meet in the school’s library after his afternoon classes

so after meeting up with your friends n having drinks you had to leave to meet with sicheng

you were dreading it

you had previously convinced yourself that you could just simply ignore him

but as you got closer and closer to the library you realized you couldn’t

anywho, he arrived soon after and the two of you went to a table nearing the far wall

after setting up you kind of just worked in silence

occasionally, he’d ask you a few questions and vice versa

as time passed (luckily the library was accessible 24/7) you were getting more and more tired

however, your pride didn’t allow you to tell sicheng that

so you kept going, holding back yawns

until you literally just fell asleep at your laptop

sicheng didn’t even notice until he realized the clicks of your keyboard had ceased

he frowned at the sight of you before he realized it was past midnight

he just turned your laptop to him and pressed save

sighing, he just kept working

less than ten minutes later his eyes were trailing back to you

he grumbled to himself, realizing you were shivering

mumbling under his breath, he took out his jacket from his bag and hung it over your shoulders

eventually, sicheng got tired as well

realizing it was now almost two in the morning, he decided to just save everything for now and continue the next time you guys were to meet

after packing his things (and yours) he shook you awake

by the time you actually woke up, all you saw was sicheng’s back as he walked off

you realized your things were packed up and blinked in confusion

‘did he really just pack my things for me?’

you went home, the nap making you feel even more tired than before

the next day, you woke up with a start

“nonononoNoNo–”

your roommate, Eunjae, looked at you with a raised brow

“what’s up with you?”

you didn’t answer, choosing to just scream into your pillow, your face red

in your haste, you didn’t even check if your phone was in your bag like you usually did

you went to your morning class early

you nearly cursed the world for making sicheng be your classmate in almost every class you had

luckily, in your next class – mathematics – you sat near the front while he sat in the very back

so you didn’t have to deal with him

that is

until class was over

as you swung your bag over your shoulder and made your way to the exit, sicheng stopped you

memories of what you had dreamed about came flooding back to you

your face went hot and you quickly scrambled away

sicheng was confused

yes he knew you disliked him but you had never reacted like that before

usually you like to have the final word before leaving but that time you didn’t even say anything

he legitimately had to tell you something and he couldn’t exactly text you about it

so he chased after you

“wait!! [Y/N]!”

hearing him yell after you made you sprint faster

buuttttt sicheng is magic ok so he caught up to you

he stopped in front of you, slightly panting

before you could say anything, he took hold of your wrist

while you struggled to escape he went through his jacket pocket before taking out a phone

your phone

“you left this at the library yesterday. i found it when i went back for my mouse.”

you kind of just stared at him

you realized that you were staring for too long when he began to look uncomfortable

looking down at your phone, you took hold of it with your free hand

“thanks,,, i guess”

im literally having an allergic reaction while writing this lol

you took one more glance at his confused look before darting off leaving him confused af

‘why were they acting like that???’ - him for the next few hours

then, he found you again later that night

you were hanging out with your friends in the courtyard

he walked up to you, with intentions of talking about the research

but once you spotted him, you looked ready to jump out of your seat and run a marathon if it meant getting away from him

“wait!!”

and so, you did

why– you had no clue

“why have you been so jumpy around me today?”

“,,,”

“you can tell me”

“imayormaynotehavedreamtaboutyou”

“what??”

you sighed, just going to face your problems

“i,,, dreamt about you last night.”

after that, you guys kind of stopped hating each other

now you could tolerate the other

you talked a bit more while doing research, but not by much

on the day you guys finished doing the research

sicheng proposed that you do the last bit at a starbucks or smth so you could treat yourselves when you finished

ofc you agreed because honestly coffee after work?? during work??? heavenly.

ironically i don’t like coffee

anywho

it was sunny that day

and you guys chose a spot by the window

you were undeterred by the sun, despite the annoying glare it made on your laptop screen

you just kept working, taking the occasional sip of your drink (that sicheng ordered for you)

sicheng was working away at his part of the project too

but as time went on, his hands and eyes were getting tired so he leaned back to take a break

just then, you got a notification from your friend

they had sent you a picture of [whatever your favourite animal is my fav is otters :)]

so you started smiling the moment sicheng looked up at you

he nearly choked right then n there

the way your hair caught the light? he was s h o c k e d

the cute way you tilted your head when you smiled? he was s h o c k e d

okay case in point, he was shocked

he found himself listening to his racing heartbeat rather than the buzz and chatter of the busy shop

his heart had never raced that fast because of you, so why was it now?

he had seen you smile in the past, and he would admit that he thought you were cute but before he wasn’t this affected

“um– i have to use the washroom, excuse me”

you just nodded, still smiling because of the photo

you didn’t notice the way his voice wavered or the way he practically ran to the washroom, too engrossed in either your work or the photo

when sicheng got to the washroom he just locked the door and stared at himself in the mirror with wide eyes

he was still in shock

‘do i like them?’

‘no, it can’t be…’

‘but…’

he’d let out a really quite n frustrated groan, messing up his hair as he rubbed his face in exhaustion

in that moment, in the silence of the washroom, he noticed just how stressed he was

he was on the brink of failing half of his classes due to pure exhaustion and the other two he was barely passing

and now he had to figure out whatever it was he was feeling?? toward someone he could barely stand to sit beside a mere fortnight beforehand?

as he stared down at the eggshell white sink, something fell

he blinked in confusion

looking up, he was surprised to see a single tear falling from his right eye, following the one that had just fell

he was surprised

the last time he cried was when he first got really homesick, but he could see reason for that

was he crying because of stress??

was he crying because he was confused???

he didn’t even bother to wipe his face, he just let his tears slowly cascade down his cheeks

after a while, he finally dabbed at his face with some paper towel and walked out

you made eye contact with him immediately, your straight face becoming concerned

sicheng kept his eyes glued to the tiled flooring, so he didn’t notice the change

when he sat back down without a word and just began typing you frowned

he looked

well

dead to be honest

you felt as if he wasn’t up for talking right now so you took your phone and sent him a small text

“don’t cry :) it might not be that comforting, but i’m here if you ever want to talk.”

you quickly placed the phone down and went back to work, your eyes flitting over your laptop screen to see his reaction

when his phone vibrated, the noise making a loud buzz against the wood of his chair, you curled up slightly

as he took out his phone, your eyes kept moving from your screen to him

finally, he looked up at you with a confused expression

without saying anything, you just pointed toward your eyes with a sheepish smile

his were slightly red and puffy

it wasn’t too noticeable, but if you were looking at him for longer than five seconds you’d notice

you had sported the same look while watching a drama the other day

instead of replying, sicheng sent you a weak smile before going back to typing

you sighed, doing the same

your drink went cold.

after the research was finished, you and sicheng didn’t really have a reason to talk to each other anymore

you were kind of sad, surprisingly

when the project first started you had been so excited for the day of its completion

but now that it’s come, you were just disappointed

to your own surprise, hanging out with sicheng wasn’t unbearable, not at all

you had found yourself waiting for time to go faster so you could hurry up and meet with him already

sicheng was a pretty nice guy

if you had told yourself that a month ago, you would’ve scoffed

you found yourself searching for him whenever you’d walk into a classroom or into the library

you didn’t even realize you were doing it until your friend pointed it out

at that point, it hit you

you, at some point in time, had grown to like dong sicheng

you, in all honesty, weren’t that surprised

you had suspected that you had feelings when you started feeling hot whenever he’d be near you (so, every other day basically)

and your heart would pound whenever he’d smile in your direction

whenever it’d happen you just shot it down because – no, you can’t possibly like dong sicheng – but lo and behold it’s possible

really, you just accepted it

you couldn’t just stop yourself from liking him, even if you tried

and by accepting it, you accept the thought that he could never like you

in your opinion, he was out of your league

so you just kind of

left your little crush alone

you didn’t make any moves

you didn’t talk to him more

you just continued on with life

unknowingly, you found yourself glancing over in his direction more and more often

you’d start checking if he was looking over at you, even if it was just a mere glance

and more often than not, he would be looking

however, the clock was usually on the other side of you, so maybe he was just watching for the time

before you knew it, your little crush and blown up into something more

by the time you realized how deep you were, you had no idea what to do

by ignoring it, you thought your crush would just go away, but now that it hadn’t you were confused

you found yourself longing for his presence

and missing the way he’d laugh at your little quips whenever you worked together

you talked it over with your friend and what they told you astonished you, despite how obvious it was

“[Y/N],,, you’re in love with sicheng, aren’t you?”

“,,, shit”

once it had truly dawned on you– your true feelings for the male, you started to freak out whenever he’d draw close

it got to the point where you started avoiding him in hallways because you got too flustered at the mere sight of him

me too, [Y/N], me too

this went on for a while

when sicheng noticed you literally spinning on your heel and speed walking the other way he’d be hurt

he thought you hated him

so he asked your friend, the one he sees you with a lot

“this might sound weird but,,,, does [Y/N] hate me again?”

“,,,”

when your friend started laughing, he felt so embarrassed

he thought he had said something wrong or something weird

maybe it was wrong and weird, he didn’t know

once your friend calmed down, they just whispered something before making their way down the hall

after that, sicheng made a valiant effort to approach you

and you notice right away

he’d frown whenever you started sprinting away, but with the new information he had acquired via your friend, he wasn’t as worried anymore

but he was kind of frustrated because he wanted to tell you everything so badly

he couldn’t exactly do that when you were straight up running from him

you weren’t answering texts either

and then that back and forth went on

it was only a month before the senior student’s graduation did something happen

so your friends had invited you to a party

you usually just turned them down, but you felt so stressed over school and work that you just threw caution out the window and agreed

you carpooled to the party

it was the typical type of house party you’d expect

dimmed lights, colourful lights strung from the ceiling, alcoholic drinks and party cups were neatly lined on a table that had been pushed against the wall

there was loud music too, almost deafening

you just stuck to the wall as everyone bounced happily around you, feeling out of your element

suddenly, a drunken man – someone you had recognized as one of the many faces at your school – stumbled through the crowd of bodies, sending you a sleazy smile and what had appeared to be an attempt at a wink

“hey there,” he slurred, stepping so close you could smell the beer in his breath “what’re you doing alone?”

you just kept using your phone

‘hopefully he just goes away’

he didn’t

when you didn’t respond, he roughly gripped a hand around your wrist, pulling you to his torso

“i asked you a question,” he grumbled

wrenching yourself out of his grasp, you pushed him away with knitted brows; “get off me, you drunkard”

bad idea apparently

the man narrowed his eyes at you, moving to reach for you again

you stepped out of his reach

your little taunting vexed him, making him completely lunge at you despite his drunken state

you quickly rushed up the stairs, knowing he’d catch up if you attempted to weave through the crowd to the door

opening a random door, you jumped inside and slammed it shut

you locked it, hearing the pounding knocks that could be from no one but him shortly after

after around ten minutes, the knocking ceased and you heard heavy footsteps going down the stairs

letting out a sigh of relief, you reached for the door knob

you had sighed too early, it seemed

the door was jammed

you frowned, pushing your body weight against the door

it still wouldn’t open

you started to freak out

being stuck in some stranger’s bathroom on a friday night wasn’t exactly ideal

taking out your phone, you quickly dialed your friends number

they didn’t answer

you tried again

still no answer

by this time, you felt scared

you didn’t like how cramped the bathroom felt

even if you aren’t afraid of small spaces, it felt as though the walls were closing in

slowly but surely

you wanted to cry from frustration honestly

when none of your friends bothered, probably too enamoured with the music and/or their dance partners, your frown deepened

realizing it was your only choice then, you dialed the final number in your contacts

soon, a tired little “hello?” came warbling through the receiver

“sicheng? sorry to be calling so late, but i kind of need help”

you explained to him the entire thing, from start to finish

you had begun to shake, eyeing the walls suspiciously

“hey,” he mumbled, his voice soft. “stay there, alright? i’m coming to get you.”

you just nodded, eyeing the jammed door, holding your phone so tightly your knuckles were losing colour

“not like i have a choice, but okay

he chuckled for a moment

“just breath– will you do that for me?”

at his words, you took in a deep breath

you couldn’t even finish your final sentence before he was messaging you back saying he’d be there in ten

sooner than you had expected, the door opened

behind that door, was sicheng

he too looked uncomfortable with the setting, and it wasn’t long before the two of you were rushing out

“i can drive you home,” he suggested

you couldn’t even refuse before he opened the passenger door for you

you sighed, stepping into the ceiling after saying thank you

he got into the other side and started the car

the ride was silent, aside from you telling him where to go

by the time you had reached your house, you were surprised

only five minutes had passed

when you turned to thank sicheng again, he was already looking at you

he looked flustered, something that was apparent under the bright light of the street lamp mere metres away from sicheng’s car

“is something wrong?”

he was silent for a moment, biting his lip in uncertainty

then, he spoke

and when he did, your heart raced once again

“can i,,, kiss you?”

you gasped

sicheng looked embarrassed at the fact that he asked– ashamed even

before he could even apologize

you had leaned over the centre console and cupped his face with your hands before pressing your lips against his in a gentle kiss

sicheng’s eyes were blown wide with surprise, before they finally closed and he relaxed

the kiss was slow and sweet and you pulled away slowly just seconds later, your eyes still closed

sicheng was the first to open his eyes, and when he did he smiled widely

“you know,,,, i think you’re beautiful.”

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harryfeatgaga · 6 years

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I'm dying laughing at the CEO of the Recording Academy trying to cover his ass cause he knew he made a mistake all while questioning if Harry's reached a "level of excellence to merit a nomination." But gave the Chainsmokers and Meghan fucking Trainor a Grammy. Where was the excellence from them? The Chainsmokers song was played at Frat parties and dirty basement, is that's excellence then I don't want Harry to reach that point.

i literally cannot believe

Anonymous said: My dad just texted me from work to see if I was okay because he got a call from the neighbours saying there’s been the same song on loop on full blast (that song is the Grammy robbed Sign of the Times by the Grammy deserving Harry Edward Styles)

DJNFBGUHFBJNHFIJNBFHJKF MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I bet that one anon you got a few days ago is cackling and trying to talk shit about how they knew Harry isn't talented enough to get a Grammy or something stupid like that

they can ch*ke

Anonymous said: Niall did great things with his album and it got great hype by both the public and music producers so if his album made the deadline I would easily say his album deserved a nomination. But the other boys haven’t even released albums yet and their singles were just good for radio play.

i haven't listened to his album still lol but noah fence from what i saw it did not get nearly as great reviews and hype as harrys lol and idk why the others even bothered fhbgfjkvl

Anonymous said: Boycott the Grammys 2k18!

tru!!!

Anonymous said: I’m just going to air out my grievances if that’s ok- first of all,Harry’s management or record company stuffed up bad cos y’all know damn well the members don’t vote artists with a progressive sound into the rock category so you fucked up there. second - Bruno mars is clearly this ceremony’s Taylor swift cos idk how tf his flimsy song about material things got nominated over a relevant refreshing ballad like SOTT . Harry deserved better , but also, harry needs to fire some incompetent people ✌️

well harry made music he wanted lol not stuff thats gonna get played on the radio which i enjoy lol but yea bruno is the tswift this year....or j*y z

Anonymous said: The thing that sucks is he most likely was planning on going to the Grammys cause he's performing for Fleetwood Mac the day before, but now he's going to be in New York and not going.....

PLEASE :(

Anonymous said: I was really disappointed but more for him than me like my first thought was “I hope he’s alright and not too sad about it” And I really hope he understands that it doesn’t make him any less good because an award is just an award and it never defines who you are as an artist and as a person.

i know I'm so sad for him i hope he's okay :(

Anonymous said: Harry is the best artist in the world right now he doesn’t need awards!!

tru! but it would've been nice to even get a nom/recognition

Anonymous said: You can tell the Grammy' will just nominated any old shite. I mean Ed Sheeran has the biggest album of the year yet he isn't nominated. And i didn't even know JayZ had an album out and he's nominated. Like no offense but American music industry is just shit.

ed is nominated and some other categories which I'm sure he will win and literally same i had no idea jay z had music out lmao

Anonymous said: Scrap what i said, Zayn didn't get nominated. It was for songwriting and he didn't write that song.

good

Anonymous said: He got all that hype, he did that private show for them, they went his his first show in LA. They for sure used him for hype and media attention. Robbing bastards.

seriously

Anonymous said: A LOUIS FAN CLAIMING LOUIS DESERVED A NOM YALL I WAS SAD BUT NOT NOW. NOW A BITCH CANT STOP LAUGHING. HE AIN'T EVER GETTING SHIT

LMAOOOOO BYEEEEE AS IF

Anonymous said: I just hope he knows Grammys ain’t shit

honestly

Anonymous said: I know it’s not the end of the world, but I hope he’s not super disappointed and sad, because everyone hyped him up so much smh. Also, I bet this will change how he does promo and radio shit for his next album, they should get him a radio deal just for the fact that clearly that’s all these loser Grammy voters care about.

well if thats what he has to do to get a grammy i don't think that would be worth it and i don't think he would think that either

Anonymous said: Jay Z can fucking choke like his album? The shit he did to beyonce? I’m not fucking rewarding a man for being like that anymore, he can take his ancient ass somewhere else.

nasty

Anonymous said: Good, now I don’t have to watch the Grammys this year, I’m glad tbh since I’m not really a fan of any of the other nominees and I’m sick to death of hearing the same five songs all fucking year lol, that issues song? Fucking hate it, have since day one, can’t believe it got nominated for shit lol. However Jeff needs to get Harry a radio deal since clearly that’s all that matters to voters, considering Harry did all the courting of the voters he could and still got fucked.

i literally haven't even heard most of whats nominated its such a joke

Anonymous said: Most nominees in the important categories are poc so I’m not completely mad and besides Despacito or however you write it (which is a horrible song) they nominated well deserved ones. I still think SOTT should’ve got at least one nomination but I think that maybe because harry is fresh out of the oven they’re not gonna straight up give him a nomination even if he deserves it.

yea i mean its awesome theres actually diversity this year but SOTT literally deserved a ROTY nom

Anonymous said: Nah Harry will get Brit nominations because he’s respected in his own country, the Brits also nominated 1D they don’t hold being in a boy band against him which clearly the Grammy voters do, which is a real shame tbh. But the Grammys are continuing to dig their own grave and become more and more unimportant every year.

i cant wait till the grammys just make such a food of themselves no one goes

Anonymous said: Pls the whole Grammys is a conspiracy theory lol I told you

a mess

Anonymous said: The Grammys lost all credibility after giving Adele Album of the Year last year and not Beyonce. They stick to the basics and just anyone who doesn't "break the rules of music" Harry's first solo song was a 6 minute long rock ballad, which doesn't go with what was expected to be put out. They don't care for originality or you know talent, that's why Ed Sheeran's wack ass has won 🤷🏼‍♀️

SERIOUSLY

Anonymous said: He'll probably get nominated for Song of the year and Video of the year at the Brits. Pretty sure both are fan voted. Maybe best male as well. Also maybe best album but then again probably not because it depends. Also maybe global success. I can't think who else would get that right now. Maybe Ed Sheeran again.

i hope so

Anonymous said: Grammys? I don’t know her. Anyway I hope Harry knows how proud everyone is of him and I hope he’s proud of himself I love my baby 🤧💕

ME!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: i feel so much for harry i mean he did everything he could he put out a phenomenal single and a stellar album and worked with amazing producers and writers and did the grammy performance thing and all that stuff with cbs and like i know im biased but he deserves SOME recognition for all of that like he really did put out amazing music this year that was so much more worthy than despacito like come on he was robbed i just hope he feels okay and valid bc he IS :(

i know :( like i hope he knows he still has done such incredible things this year and his album is so good and he doesn't need a stupid grammy anyway

Anonymous said: Taylor is nominated for two (one for the country song she wrote). Like no offense the the American music industry but you need to get your head out of Taylor arse and stop being snobs. SOTT deserved a nomination.

when will they stop kissing her ass

Anonymous said: Harry broke records held by legends, had a BBC special, performed at the record academy, and sold out an arena tour in minutes. So Julia Michaels and Ed Sheehan can take their boring ass music along with their nominations and shove it up their asses.

TBH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I’m sorry but I have to point out the irony. The lyrics of the song are literally stop your crying it’s a sign of the times. and I know there’s a deeper meaning, but this year fucking sucks

i know :(

Anonymous said: All that hype for nothing. Boy was robbed. Sign of the times deserves a Grammy.

ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: Everyone knows no one, NO ONE deserved a nomination more then Harry. White old men disappointing me again. Like every fucking person said Harry deserved one. ISSUES AS SONG OF THE YEAR? YALL I NEED THEIR CRACK DEALER CAUSE CLEARLY ITS SOME GOOD SHIT TO GET YOU TO THINK FUCKING ISSUES IS SONG OF THE YEAR. Nah fuck them.

FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I’m so?? Noah fence but the songs that got nominated? What the fuck???? Harry deserved to be up there whether it was roty or aoty idc he just deserves to be nominated.

seriously

Anonymous said: LISTEN in 10 years time people will look back and say why the fuck wasn’t SOTT a Grammy winner... he is timeless and he’ll win in the end!! The Grammys are fucked

THEY WILL REGRET IT

Anonymous said: The Grammys just proved again how much they don’t matter lol, Harry’s song and album was on every single list as one of the best of the entire year, and the you know who wasn’t? Most of those other songs lmao so whatever man I know the Grammys matters to harry, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore they continue to be irrelevant and continue to nominate mediocrity.

its such a joke lmao

Anonymous said: Yeah honestly the Grammys really do only care about awarding the same people over and over again, and it’s like, no offense but who cares lol. I’m sure Jay Zs album is good but he’s nearly 50 and been nominated a ton like idc anymore lol. And I like Bruno mars but seriously? The songs he was nominated for really aren’t that great lmao.

seriously tho like j*y z has enough awards

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