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xxavengingangelxx · 9 months

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Long Way From Home 4/?

Notes: I have finished writing this. Kinda. So it's going to be a series most likely. I need to see MW3 in November to make it as correct and canon as possible. So it's kind of a cliffhanger but it should continue once I play MW3. Time runs a little slower in this universe but should still be relatively canon. I still don't know how many parts are left but I have 50 pages of this. Expect more parts until I post all 50 pages :)

Also, if you wanna cry, go listen to Paralyzed by NF. :'( It helped me write the end(?) of the first part of these series.

Also, this quote applies to OC/Val/Reader and will be THE quote to summarize this fic: "There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to be. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix."-Hanny Quinn

Ya'll know the drill. I assume this isn't ya'll's first rodeo when it comes to reading this but alas, because it's a dark fic, I will post triggers again. MDNI, 18+ TRIGGERS: Implied/attempted suicide, self-harm, torture, brainwashing, physical abuse, mind fuckery, Stockholm syndrome-related mental gymnastics, trauma bonding, mentions of foster care, threatened/implied/referenced rape, EXTREMELY dubious consent. If I miss, any let me know, please! DARK FIC

“I need you to do something for me,” Graves had you sitting in a large conference room. You wringed your hands in your lap nervously. The room was cold and so sterile. It was just you and Graves and you felt so small.

You’d thrown on a hooded sweatshirt because it seemed like you were always cold here. You’d apparently slept for 14 hours straight but you still felt tired. Considering they’d kept you awake for days on end at times, that wasn’t surprising.

“What’s that say?” he slid a manila folder your way.

You hesitated in opening it because what if it was code from 141? You couldn’t betray them. But at the same time you felt abandoned, forgotten. Whatever happened to never leaving a soldier behind?

But open it you did. They were newspaper clippings. All about El Sin Nombre. And about the gunshots that had been heard the night you were taken. And about Hassan. They were in Spanish.

“The newspapers?”

Graves nodded.

“Do you have something I can write with and on?”

You spent hours translating all the clippings into English, writing them into a small notebook. Hours turned into days and you translated newspapers, articles, military documents. They let you sleep at regular intervals. You had water, you had food. Hell you’d fallen asleep with you head on that cold conference table a few times now and they hadn’t bothered you.

Graves would come in periodically to get what was already translated and take it somewhere, you had no idea where.

One time he came in and sat right beside you. You instantly got nervous…and scared. You glanced up at him, dark gaze meeting his electric blue one.

“What?” you whispered.

“It’s not so bad, is it?”

You shook your head, not understanding what he was getting at.

“What do…what do you mean?” your voice trembled and you hated it.

“Workin’ for me,” he stated simply.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Can’t promise I’ll answer but shoot,”

“Did I break?” you asked, wanting to know if you’d given in amongst all that pain and torture and given him something useful.

“I can’t answer that,”

What you guessed were your days were spent translating. Your nights were spent on your knees, on your back, or with Graves’s face in between your legs, his stubble rubbing roughly amongst the inside of your thighs, drawing out unholy noises from you all while holding your hips down so you couldn’t escape him.

You push the thought that he’s borderline raping you away from your mind because your mind and your sanity just can’t fucking handle that. Yes you’d admitted to yourself that this wasn’t entirely consensual. He was your captor and you were his hostage for fuck’s sake. You had no idea what would happen if you refused him but you were scared to. Still, you convinced yourself this wasn’t rape. Your mind would finish breaking down if you did. You’d been through enough.

One day he randomly told you that you didn’t remember certain things because they’d been drugging you. But he assured you they weren’t doing that anymore, now that you were just so cooperative. Your homing beacon had been left behind in Las Almas. 141 had probably come across it and only that when they thought your homing beacon would lead to you. They’d probably found your radio ripped to pieces somewhere, too.

Graves assured you there was no way 141 was going to find you. You didn’t know how to feel about that. You’d been feeling abandoned. You’d been wondering why they hadn’t come for you. Surely 141 would have found you if they tried hard enough, right?

At the same time Graves told you that you probably didn’t want them to find you. “You’ve been working with me for almost a week now. They don’t want you back.”

You told yourself he was playing mind games, that he was slowly peeling away your identity so he could rebuild a new one. 141 would understand, right? They’d understand when you came back to them with broken ribs in several stages of healing, bruises that were blue and purple and yellow, a nose that had been broken multiple times, and possibly a hairline skull fracture all inflicted over you captivity. Right? They’d understand that you only did what you had to when they saw the numerous scars all over your body, right? One of them from a suicide attempt.

“You would’ve died on the streets of Las Almas without us,” Graves mentioned one night. “No telling what would’ve happened to you,” he continued. “I know how you grew up.” Those cold blue eyes focused on you in the low lighting of his bedroom. “Foster care. In and out of homes, being bounced around.”

You didn’t know you were crying until you felt tears falling down your sweaty face.

“You don’t have to keep that shit up anymore,” he said, brushing the tears from your face. “They’re not gonna take you back. They see you as a traitor. Stay here. We’ll take care of you.” He paused before adding, “We’d tear the world up lookin’ for ya if you went missing. Can’t same the same for 141.”

So you stayed. And not once did you think about leaving. Besides, even you attempted escape, Graves would find you and rip you apart all over again. It wasn’t worth it.

141 didn’t want you back, right? Your worst fear was being bounced around, being homeless, not wanted.

You got a watch one random day. A Samsung. Of course the location features had been disabled. But you knew the date.

Shadow Company had been protecting you for one month now.

You were learning the black site, at least the layout. There were still areas you weren’t allowed to go. You tensed when you passed a Shadow. They looked at you different now, though.

You heard Graves’s voice coming from a conference room.

“She’s ours now. So you protect her and you look out for her. Think of her as your little sister.”

You woke up to Graves shaking you.

“Get dressed. We gotta move.”

“What’s going on?” you asked sleepily.

“We’re under attack,”

You were in oversized fatigues, rolling up the sleeves and pant legs at least half a dozen times over so they would somewhat fit you. You felt like you were overheating as Graves tightened a thin Kevlar vest under your black uniform shirt before strapping it on. Tight. He pulled the zipper up on the shirt and then placed something at your feet. It was a heavier vest, similar to the one you’d had with 141.

But it was a Shadow Company vest. Your mind tried to reason that they weren’t giving back your old vest because it associated you with 141. They wanted to erase that identity and build a new one, remember? All the vests you’d seen on the other men as well as Graves had the Shadow Company emblem. The name tag?

P-80. It stood for Phantom-80. The name looked new and an increasingly fading part of your mind whispered that they’d given you the name Phantom because it mocked 141’s Ghost. You ignored it. What were the chances of that?

“Why do I need two?” you asked as Graves fastened the Velcro on the larger vest.

“Trust me,” was all he said.

He gave you a sidearm.

Shadows were engaged in gunfire. It was night. It was cold. Wasn’t it autumn? You’d forgotten how loud gunfire was. You were used to only hearing your own screams and other sounds that weren’t gunfire.

You had gotten so used to being indoors, to being in relative silence for the last month and a half now. So the gunfire was deafening, disorienting. Graves demanded you stay low and stay close to the Shadow he paired you with. Graves then disappeared.

Time seemed to drag on. You stayed low while you were both fired at and the Shadow returned fire.

Then the world went black for a few second and you found yourself in dirt. The breath had been knocked out of you and you felt a familiar sensation…you been shot but your vests had stopped it. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. You gasped for breath.

The Shadow with you dragged you somewhere by grabbing your vest. He pulled you out of harm’s way. Then more bangs, closer this time, and you were dropped to the dirt. The Shadow dragging you to safety had been shot. You crawled over to him, the momentary stop in the gunfire allowing you to do so. The bullet had slipped in just under the rim of his helmet and entered his brain on the left side of his face, just above his left eyebrow.

“Oh, my God!” you shrieked. You shook him but he just stared at the sky with lifeless grey eyes. “Hey—” you shook him but it was no use. He was dead, and he probably never even knew what killed him. So you slipped his rifle off of him and ran for cover.

You found yourself in another dilapidated building as you tried to catch your breath. You began hearing familiar voices. 141?

No, no, no, no, no…you’d been separated from them for so long that you would honestly feel like an enemy combatant in their hands. So you hid. You ran to the second floor of the building, stepping over gaps in the floor. You curled into a corner, rifle pointed at the doorway. You then cursed yourself because fuck going up to the second floor effectively trapped you. But maybe the soldiers below were too engaged in killing each other to even bother going up to a second floor if no one was firing from it.

You covered your ears when the gunfire got louder. It was getting closer and you had no fucking idea who was shooting. You really were a broken soul because you never used to cover your ears at the sound of gunfire. Things then became eerily quiet. Gun smoke hung heavily in the air, almost blocking out the thunderstorm clouds gathering.

You jumped when you heard thunder and you had to convince yourself if was thunder and not gunfire.

You stayed there for minutes, hours, who knows how long as sporadic gunfire filled your ears. You jumped with each shot, covering your ears. You were a shell of your former self. That much you knew.

Now that you were still your ribs ached. At least the vests had stopped the bullet.

Rain started and while you normally loved stormy nights, you cursed it now because it made it hard for you to see your environment and hear what was going on around you. Staying on alert so long without anyone to help you keep watch was exhausting.

You heard a creak. You opened your eyes, instantly awake. The gunfire had stopped. Where the hell were you and where was Shadow Company? Was Graves okay?

Downstairs you heard two gunshots and what sounded like a heavy body hitting the floor.

You raised the rifle, almost certain you were hearing footsteps. Someone was coming up those stairs. And whoever it was sounded large and heavy.

“Graves?” you called out.

No answer.

“Graves please tell me that’s you,” you added.

Whoever was there was now on the second floor. You were sure if you heard more footsteps coming up those stairs as you were focused on trying to pinpoint how close whoever was on the second floor was in reference to you.

You were sure that the person on the second floor would be at your doorway soon. You held your breath.

The footsteps stopped but no one appeared in the doorway.

You wondered if you were losing it. What if you were half asleep and dreaming?

“Graves, c’mon, man,” you whispered.

One more soft noise and the doorway was almost entirely blocked by a dark, tall figure.

Not Graves.

Not a Shadow.

König.

You didn’t know what to think. But you didn’t lower the rifle either. What was he doing here? Was 141 here?

“Don’t come any closer,” you warned.

“Val,” König’s voice seemed confused. “It’s me. It’s us.”

You kept the rifle raised but fuck because you couldn’t shoot.

“Please don’t come closer,” you begged.

“He can’t hurt you anymore, ja?”

So you faked it. You pulled the rifle’s strap over your head and set it down next to you.

“Okay,” König replied calmly. He got closer. He had long since dropped his rifle, leaving it to hang off his shoulder.

As soon as he got within arm’s length you ran past him. He definitely wasn’t expecting it but he still tried to grab you. You being small, you found it easy to escape his grasp, especially because he had not been expecting you to run. You knelt below his reach and ran.

You sprinted down the stairs, praying to God you’d run into Graves.

You were halfway down the stairs when you ran into Soap. König must have said something over the radio because Soap was ready for you.

Soap grabbed you, led you down the remaining stairs and easily put you on the ground on the first floor face down. Soap then got on top of you, straddling you from behind in an attempt to gain control and calm you.

You heard him say something but it didn’t register.

Mindlessly, you reached for your sidearm, getting desperate. Graves had told you they’d kill you if they found you and while you weren’t willing or able to shoot before now the idea was starting to look like it might be your only option to save your life.

“No, Val,” Soap said calmly. He pried the gun from your hand effortlessly and tossed it aside.

You reached for a knife on your vest.

And the same thing happened. He disarmed you without really putting any effort into it.

Boots stepped into your line of vision and you looked up. Ghost. He handed Soap something.

“Don’t kill me,” you begged.

“Never,” Soap replied. “But you’re unpredictable right now, lass, okay?” Zipties enclosed your wrists and pulled tight.

You snapped back to reality, gasping awake. You were on a bed. You’d fallen asleep apparently. So you had been dreaming.

“What’d you dream about?”

You recognized that voice. Graves.

“That they took me,” you replied. You sat up. You were at another black site. “How did we get out?”

Graves moved to sit next to you. He still had that battlefield smell of gunpowder and sweat. “You don’t remember getting out?”

You shook your head. You were sure you were losing your mind.

“Bad dream, then?”

“Yeah,” you admitted. “A nightmare. I was scared they’d kill me.”

“They will if they catch you,”

You ran your hand through your hair, pushing it out of your face. Your bangs still fell over your eyes and forehead.

“141 shot you,” Graves added.

“Were they aiming at me?”

“Who’s to say they weren’t?”

“Where am I?” you asked. Graves was sitting next to you, still geared up.

Graves scoffed. “Safe.”

“You okay?” You ask him. “I was scared you’d get hurt.”

“Sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere.” Graves then added, “It pissed me off they hurt you.”

“What’s next?” you asked.

“Staying in the shadows,” he responded simply.

You didn’t know why that made you tear up but it did. You sniffled. Wait…did it mean you were going to spend the rest of your life running with Shadows and looking over your shoulder?

“C’mere,” he muttered.

So you sat up and he pulled you into his arms. And you let him. He pulled the Velcro off your heavier vest and lowered to the floor and off the bed where you both sat. While you could barely hear his heartbeat through that big vest of his, you heard enough. His scent, his heartbeat, his body heat lulled you into a dozing state. You felt him place a hand on the back of our neck, brushing your hair softly. He placed his chin on top of your head.

And that was one of the first times that his presence settled you and calmed you.

You were exhausted and wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep but you were scared of having another bad dream. You needed to feel sure this was your reality, that you were really there.

So you shook off Graves’s hands and grasped his vest. You crawled into his lap, straddling him before kissing him.

By kissing him you could almost feel the tension he was under. It was almost like you were starting to be able to read him just by looking at him. He needed stress relief and you needed to feel him to remind yourself that you were still there. With Graves. You had no idea what 141 would do to you if they caught you but you didn’t want to find out. You felt him moan underneath you when you ground yourself against him.

Apparently that was all the invitation he needed. He easily picked you up and tossed you onto the bed. He climbed over you and straddled you, his gloved hands pulling down the zipper on your oversized shirt before tossing it aside.

The sound of Velcro ripping only made you hotter. What was it about vest Velcro ripping that turned you on? He easily pulled the lighter vest off of you and placed it next to the bed. Your shirt underneath the vest was pulled from you followed by your bra.

“I’m busy, darlin’,” you heard Graves growl. He leaned down to kiss you before then unbuckling your belt. So you kicked off your boots, hearing them fall to the floor heavily. You heard your uniform pants hit the floor, the sidearm attached to them causing a metallic clank.

“I don’t care,” you whined.

You were completely naked beneath him yet he was still fully geared. You found that hot.

He flipped you around, roughly putting you on your chest and stomach. You heard him unbuckling his belt and you pushed back against him. “So needy,” he gasped.

“Show me who I belong to,” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop them. Who the fuck were you turning into?

Graves then placed a rough, gloved hand at the back of your neck, pushing you into the mattress and used the other to wrap a hand around your waist, pulling you into an arched position. It was like he could read you as well. You wanted it rough and he knew.

“Don’t move,” he demanded.

So you didn’t. Your breath came out in short huffs, blowing your hair from your face before having it fall across your eyes again.

Graves placed two bruising hands on either side of your hips.

He didn’t go slow, didn’t give you time to adjust to him like he had all the previous times before. He pushed inside of you so roughly that he bottomed out inside of you and hit your cervix.

A scream was ripped from your lips. It was pain and pleasure and pressure and just feeling owned, feeling wanted. It reminded you that you hadn’t been taken away from him, that you were still there, with Graves.

“Quiet,” he snapped.

Graves grasped your hair, pushing you further into the bed in an attempt to muffle your sounds.

A ragged moan left your mouth when you felt him move inside you.

“Fuuuuck, Graves,” you said through gritted teeth.

“Slut, you’re getting off on this,” he stated between gasps.

You wanted to snap back, “So are you,” and you started but his relentless thrusts cut you off. He’d never been this rough with you ever but fuck you liked it.

You were cockdrunk and lost in the pain and pleasure.

Graves removed one of his hands from your hips and reached between your legs, roughly rubbing your clit all while carrying out deep, penetrating thrusts and hitting that spot deep inside you. The combination of the sensations, of feeling a slight hint of his nails between your legs finally pushed you over the edge. You surrendered yourself, your soul, your body, to him just as you’d done every time before. You screamed his name, although not audibly, more into the covers of the bed.

Graves followed shortly after, his thrusts faltering almost and becoming sloppy as he gave into his feral, untamed, animalistic desires.

He pulled out of you and let go of you. So you collapsed onto the bed, gasping as you tried to catch your breath. You heard him rebuckle his pants and he placed a shaky hand on your back, steadying himself before he moved and sat next to you on the bed.

You curled up next to him, feeling your combined fluids start to spill onto your inner thighs. “Where’d that come from?”

“It’s been a long time comin’, sweetheart,” he used his hand to brush hair from your sweaty face. “Hey,” he caught your attention before saying, “I need your dog tags.”

You frowned. But you didn’t care. You’d been conditioned to do what he said without questioning it. “Have ‘em,” you handed them over.

He took them and pocketed them. You were curious but knew better than to question him.

“I’m tired but I’m scared to sleep,” you admitted.

“Go to sleep,” he said. You felt him lie down next to you. With all that gear it couldn’t be comfortable. He wrapped an arm around you.

“Hey, what’s up with Phantom-80?” you mumbled.

“Your callsign,” Graves responded. “You’re ours now. You’re mine now.”

And weirdly enough that was all it took to lull you into sleep.

That night you had your worst dream yet.

141 had found you. But they were…different. They wanted to know where Graves was. You knew but you weren’t willing to give them that information.

But even when they were making you scream from the pain they were inflicting on you, something deep down was telling you this wasn’t them. But then again what if this was how they were going to treat you from now on?

Notes: Feel free to let me know what you thought ;) You'll keep falling down the rabbit hole of Stockholm Syndrome with each post.

#phillip graves #cod mw2 #cod mwii #phillip graves x reader #john soap mactavish #ghost cod #graves x reader #mw2 141 #konig mw2

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fangsforiris · 1 month

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Can I please request shu with kianna komori but how would he be in a relationship with her and how would he react to her self-harm

By the way you can find something on my page on Tumblr

Shū/Kianna Komori (OC) Relationship HC’s

& His Reaction to Her Self-Harming

TW!! Self-Harm!!

Hi!! I’d love to, also your oc is so cute!! She sounds like an absolute doll. I absolutely love her whole fashion sense, it reminds me of Kanato and his type in women. Hope you like these <33

Word Count: 525

Topics Included: Relationship HC’s, & Reaction to Self-Harm.

Relationship HC’s:

🎀 Shū wouldn’t mind if Kianna dressed up for him.

🎀 In fact he’d be into it.

🎀 She’d be willing to do so if she’s in a good mood.

🎀 Her style reminds him a lot of what Kanato’s into, so he’d be used to Kanato’s off hand comments about it.

🎀 Shū wouldn’t know how he’d feel about it though, considering that he’s with someone who’s Kanato’s idea type.

🎀 After all, everyone knows that Kanato has a set type, and what it could mean about you to go for that as well.

🎀 It’s sort of an unsaid thing.

🎀 Shū finds himself comfortable with her, but to a degree.

🎀 He’s always still on guard.

🎀 It’s sort of the price to pay after losing so many people you’ve loved in the past.

🎀 If Kianna forces him, they’d go on dates.

🎀 They both like going to the central gardens, it happens to be calming for Shū, while Kianna enjoys the variety of flowers and its aesthetic.

🎀 Bonus Points if Shū always regularly gets her flowers for their dates.

🎀 He gets a bouquet of pink roses, and always has a heart shaped card attached to them which is strawberry and cream scented.

🎀 They definitely take naps together.

🎀 Whenever Kianna has one of her nightmares, Shū cuddles her and cradles her head, patting it and whispering sweet nothings to soothe her.

🎀 Oddly, they're quite domestic.

🎀 Realistically, throughout the relationship Shū would be haunted by the memory of Edgar and for being able to move on so fast.

🎀 The entire ordeal feels off for him, but he does his best to push it down.

Reaction to Self-Harm:

🎀 This would instantly bring Shū back to Subaru’s borderline suicidal tendencies.

🎀 I like to think that he’s had to coax Subaru out of harming himself.

🎀 Like Shū would have so many late night conversations with him, despite his own lingering thoughts.

🎀 It would sort of feel hypocritical, in a sense, to Shū.

🎀 So when he sees Kianna on the bathroom floor, with blood tainting the porcelain tiles, alarms go off in his head.

🎀 He doesn’t want to be the reason that someone else dies.

🎀 Shū’s already had enough experience with Edgar.

🎀 So he’d approach it gently.

🎀 He likes (?) Kianna, but he also has some sort of undetermined feelings to sort out.

🎀 Shū would take the knife away, and lend an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

🎀 Just imagine this boy silently listening to all the troubles, whilst running soothing circles around Kianna’s lower back.

🎀 In terms of cleaning up, he’d most likely use some of his saliva to seal up the wounds (canon fact that vampire’s saliva heals.)

🎀 And the rest of the blood, I feel as though Shū would be a bit disgusted, or more so uneasy with swallowing the blood shed from self-harm.

🎀 It’s just the principal of the situation which rubs him the wrong way.

🎀 So he’d get some bandages and hope that it’s enough.

Oh and for any stars who like the divider used!! Search: dollete divider (in gifs)

Side Note: This is not my OC!!

#tw s3lf harm #ask reply #diabolik lovers #diabolik lovers headcanons #dl hcs #diabolik lovers reactions #shuu sakamaki #x oc #relationship

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margridarnauds · 1 year

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7, 10, 20? choose whichever fandom(s) you want to, i'm interested in everything you have to say 😘

Mandatory "By clicking below this link you acknowledge that you are consenting to listen to me be a bitch about €lisabeth das Musical at a very extended length" -- given we are dealing with €lisabeth we will be going into some dark, depressing subject matter.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them? Alright, so it's a mixture of fandom being fandom and the canon legitimately warping around itself here, but Rud0lf. Like, let's begin with Kunze (I am predominately blaming him for this because I hate him and, given his work on TdV, Lady Bess, Rebecca, and the OG production of Marie Antoinette I do think that he legitimately like. Hates women) dropping the usual "fuck the Hapsburgs" approach of the musical in order to prop Rud0lf up as The World's Most Fragile Little Meow Meow. Can you IMAGINE if €lisabeth, historically, had committed suicide alongside a 17 year old who'd idolized her? Can you IMAGINE if she'd said something like "men are only fit for reproduction"? (I mean, fandom would have probably girlbossified her for that at least, but...) Can you IMAGINE if she'd given Franz Josef gonorrhea which meant that the dynasty couldn't have more heirs? Can you IMAGINE if she'd bullied Helene to the point where Helene was afraid of her sister? (Rud0lf and Marie Valerie?) Can you IMAGINE if she'd had an encounter with a man that he described as "What torments, what horror!" (Oh, wait, given that €lisabeth's borderline marital rape on her wedding night was erased from the musical, we KNOW.) Can you IMAGINE if she had a string of lovers who she had a SYSTEM for dismissing, entering them robotically into a register with red ink for those whose virginity she'd taken, black for the rest, and then had a system employed for which going away present she'd give them -- silver for princely families with an engraved copy of his coat of arms, noble ladies were given one stamped, and the rest were just given one stamped with his name + archducal crown (so not worthy of the coat of arms)?

Bitch. Bitch.

...and instead we have that seventeen year old being presented as the literal incarnation of Death while Stephanie, aka the Woman Who Had To Put Up With His Bullshit For Years After Marrying Him When She Was SIXTEEN And Then Who He Gave Gonorrhea To, Ruining Her Chances of Ever Conceiving Again, is just reduced to Rud0lf whining to his daddy about how HARD married life was. Bitch, you brought your mistress with you WHEN YOU GOT ENGAGED TO HER. SHE WAS *SIXTEEN*. How is what the musical did to Marie Vetsera any different than what the Hapsburgs did, presenting her as a seductive little vixen who deserved to be erased? People can say what they want about Rud0lf: Affaire Mayerling as a musical, and I'll probably AGREE with them, but at least Marie is THERE, and arguably the sparkly romantic love story is at least how *she'd* have wanted it to be remembered.

...and honestly, it goes into a central problem of €lisabeth, which is that it's willing to be deconstructive....but only with the female characters. Like, I see it praised a lot for its portrayal of women, but is the portrayal of women that GOOD, or is the bar just that LOW? Like, again, the musical goes to extremes to point out whenever €lisabeth so much as looked wrong at someone and does kind of reduce her eating disorder to "lol vanity", but it presents Marie as, again, the literal incarnation of Death, Helene is The Scorned Girl who is also Comic Relief and never mentioned again, Sophie is a bitch, Ludovica is The Ambitious Mother. Like? WHERE is the actual good depiction of female characters? And you can argue that it's because it's being told through the eyes of Luchen1, who's an anarchist, but....he's SUCH a good anarchist that we throw that away with Franz Josef, who can't even cheat on €lisabeth without it somehow being a woman's fault. The only time Franz appears negatively is with...oh wait, God's Own Woobie, Rud0lf, the minor-coded thirty year old man.

But the fandom. Good God, the FANDOM. If the musical woobifies him, the fandom is WORSE. I had to see, with my own poor eyes, someone whine about Marie being included in ONE PRODUCTION of the musical with "But my Tødolves :(" and then go on about how, you see, Marie DROVE him to it, it's HER fault at least partially, because even though she was a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD in a relationship with a THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN with a wife and daughter who had gone to Mizzi Kaspar before her to die together (which people LOVE to bring up as a Lol He Never Cared About Marie, but never to bring up He Was Going To Do It Anyway -- If She Hadn't, Someone Else Would Have. The 25 year old wasn't willing to do it so he went with a 17 year old; a part of me doubts if he really loved either one of them and, honestly, whether that was even in the equation for him.) People LOVE to talk shit about €lisabeth, or about €lisabeth/D€r Tød, or about Boyfriend Death, but, hey, at least that side of the fandom *remembers that women exist.*

...and for what it's worth, a part of me does get it. Like, Rud0lf is presented as a traumatized man with clear mental health issues (especially, arguably, in the earlier productions, where I feel he's more clearly unbalanced) and mommy issues (which, again...Franz Josef had more power than €lisabeth, why don't we blame him more?) That is bound to strike a chord. But, as someone who has been suicidal since I was literally, like....9-10 years old and has been especially prone to suicidal ideation for the last two years (mandatory "I'm NOT going to do anything, I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm a stubborn shit and I know how to cope with it at this point")....there has never been a time in my life when I can say that I imagined taking someone else with me. There've been times I wanted to do it to Make a Point, to be like, idk, Ophelia or the Lady of Shalott or Deirdre where people would gather around me and Suddenly Realize That They Were Dicks (before realizing that that's (1) a rather empty victory; (2) Potentially not going to work given that they were dicks to me in life so why would death change that and (3) ...giving them more importance than they're worth); there've been times I've considered it as an escape (but...what kind of escape is it when you don't have anything else after this? Like, congrats, you're free, but you don't have anywhere to GO, and I'm not taking my chances on reincarnation); but there's never been a time when I considered taking someone else with me, especially not someone that much younger. I very scrupulously avoid using the term "child" to describe Marie (in the same way I don't call Cecile Volanges or Lydia Bennet one), because, by the standards of the time, she was an adult who was of marriageable age, even though she was STILL young, but there was an age and power imbalance between the two of them. And when I talk shit about Rud0lf, it isn't coming from a place of not knowing what it's like to be in that situation, it's from a place of knowing it all too well and being disgusted. I'm 25, so maybe something will happen in the next five years to make me change my mind and nod my head sadly and be like "I understand why you dragged that 17 year old into your bullshit", but...until that moment of clarity....fuck him. Fuck him and fuck the way that the, again, thirty year old man is consistently given compassion and woobification and borderline infantilization because Poor Baby.

10. worst part of fanon

...where to begin with €lisabeth?

Mainly, the Not Like Other Girls side of the fandom that goes out of its WAY to be like "I don't SHIP €lisabeth/Death, *I* understand the ~ message ~ of the musical" like congratulations I want them to have sex on every single corner of the Schönbrunn where she pegs him but you do you idk. €lisabeth's a musical that is thoroughly founded in the gothic tradition, it's about the Other as a site of fear, desire, fascination, and, ultimately, liberation, it's about society restricting you so much that you start looking at what you're told should repulse you in order to achieve some level of agency, it's about Nina Auerbach's quote about vampires as an escape from a life of high heels and girdles (which drives me feral every time I read it), it's about a mortal girl possibly making SUCH an impact on an immortal being that, regardless of whether or not she does actually *die* at the end, it doesn't really matter because he's changed forever, like that's her legacy. Like! This is the FOUNDATION of the genre, that interplay between fear, desire, and agency; there's a reason why the Gothic genre is overwhelmingly dominated by women and why it's important to many women and, in my case, people who are AFAB. I *hate* when people talk condescendingly about it.

And, let's be real -- the issue has not, and never has been, Death being depicted as a ROMANTIC figure, the issue with a lot of modern productions is that it assumes romance = aggression. Boyfriend Death is not the problem, the way that we as a society view sex and romance is and, frankly, I do not trust the Tod0lf shippers with it because imo their problem with how the musical's gone hasn't been that they actually give a shit about €lisabeth but rather that they're peeved that their chosen ship has been diminished which is HILARIOUS because Kunze has already said that he never saw it as a sexual/romantic thing anyway. People were fine with him being sexist for years but WHEN HE WAS AT LEAST MILDLY HOMOPHOBIC, that was where they drew the line. Like people have taken his comments on Sarah in TdV as canon for years when he talks about how she's just a stupid girl who will realize that she should be with Alfred for years and that Alfred is the REAL protagonist of the show, but oh NO, NOT THE SHIP.

Like, Hungarian Death is not an issue! He really isn't! Szil did not put his entire szlussy into the role for that disrespect. Takarazuka Death isn't an issue! Toho Death is not an issue! (Okay, some Toho Deaths are not an issue.) There is nothing wrong with those takes on the role, despite them tending to lean more romanticized; the issue is the idea that abuse = romance and that toxic masculinity = appealing and romantic.

Also the real reason they're pissed about Kein Kommen Ohne Geh'n is that, between it and having the superior version of Die Sc@tten Werden Langer, it means that €lisabeth truly DOES keep winning, while Tod0lf gets...three scenes, depending on the production, one of which Rud0lf is a child for. Really loving this deep exploration of the source material.

....also sometimes, not always, but sometimes, when people discuss international musical it tends to be the only one brought up, along with TdV, especially when discussing German language musicals which...it's a good musical, but *come on*; it's also Baby's First International Musical for most American fans, it's one of the most wildly successful international shows of all time, it isn't some small amateur production. I've literally gone to Celtic Studies conferences where I've mentioned it and at least one of the other grad students knew what I was talking about, that is not necessarily niche. Though that does kind of illustrate how American fans tend to think Broadway + The West End = Normal Musicals™ and then there are...those other musicals.....over There™.

*There are other good non-English musicals.*

*There are other good GERMAN LANGUAGE musicals.*

(I'm also going to point out, since this is the second time I've talked about a M/M relationship for this ask that like. I love M/M ships! I really do! Atm my AO3 stats are 33 M/M fics, 20 M/F fics, 12 F/F fics, and 12 Gen -- it is the MAJORITY of what I write, I swear I don't have a secret agenda regarding them, but there is often this...entitlement around them that I've noticed. Like, it's great to ship M/M and in some ways, even if you're AFAB, it can be a great way of exploring gender and sex, especially since it isn't always as immediately....present like writing F/F or M/F can be -- I get that. The issue is that there is often as assumption that the world SHOULD revolve around their ships that I dislike. People often love to toss out the word "fetishization" and I'm not really sure I agree it's that as opposed to, on occasion, not exclusively, fandom misogyny. Like, I also dislike the "write F/F ships even if you don't want to because it's Your Duty" rhetoric, but like. There has to be compromise between the two extremes, just like there has to be a compromise between writing M/F and being homophobic. Like, just....remembering....women.....exist.)

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

If I said Rud0lf's scenes with the exception of Die Schatten Werden Langer (Reprise), would people decide that I hated him? It isn't my FAULT that his other song's like Ich Gehor Nur Mir but with everything that makes that song iconic taken out of it.

Um, well. That aside, there's....um. Let me think. I mean, the thing with €lisabeth is that, as critical as I can be of it, it IS meticulously plotted out. Like, it's a genuinely GOOD musical, and that's why it's been able to get away with murder for years, because it's a sacred cow. Even songs that I think are a little boring like Nichts Nichts Gar Nichts are important to the overall structure of things. The first act in particular has a lot of exposition where the music isn't really...as strong as the major numbers, but it doesn't have to be because it's doing the worldbuilding for us. I'm not particularly fond of Wir oder Sie especially since, again...like, come on. Sophie choosing Franz's mistress for him? Like the poor baby didn't have any say in the matter? But, again, it's useful towards....whatever the hell the show's conceit is re: Franz and S1si and Sophie.

But like, I can't emphasize enough how much my issues with the show AREN'T because the show is shoddily plotted and shoddily written. It is a good show! Imo, it's probably one of the single best structured shows I've seen, and that is saying a LOT -- Kunze had a Vision when he wrote it, my issue with it is that his vision is kind of shit.

Now, since I'm fairly certain people are absolutely going to think that I hate Actual Historical Figure Rud0lf, Crown Prince of Austria-Hungary, as possibly the only person in the fandom who would understand my pain, have my horrific confession on what I ACTUALLY think whenever I type his name out:

"Do you want to die?" "No, I still need to finish my Grammar of Old Irish" "...same difference."

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stellocchia · 3 years

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This is part 6 of the Comprehensive Analysis of c!Tommy and c!Dream’s relationship during the Exile Arc

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

Here we go again. So, just to clarify: I honestly think that for the Mexican Dream stream almost only the parts where Dream is Dream and not Mamacita are canon, but I will check those other ones out as well for anything interesting. Drista’s stream however is like as vaguely canon as possible, so I will mostly give a general outline of it more so then analizing it bit by bit.

That said, a reminder that from here on out I will be only talking about the characters unless stated otherwise and that we will be talking about sensitive topics, so keep that in mind.

First stream we will be looking at is the infamous Mexican Dream stream: Tommy Speaks to Mexican Dream in Exile

Once again Tommy wakes up drowning, again just slightly further away from the coast in the opposite direction from L’Manburg. He also immediately takes off his armour.

“Wait, no, we don’t have enough friends to afford being angry at people” (by now even Tommy himself doesn’t value much his own feelings)

“So at the end of our last Dream smp stream, uh, we died [non canonically], but it’s okay because I got some of our things-” *Dream joins the game* *distressed noises* (I’m never not gonna point out Tommy’s reactions at Dream appearing)

Dream appears and immediately digs the hole for the armour. Tommy immediately gives it up actually apologizing for not doing it even before. Also right after this Dream investigates on wether or not someone visited Tommy while he was gone and he finds out about Ranboo.

“I’ve just been trying to keep you company” “Yeah, yeah, no, it’s been pretty nice” “We’ve became better friends” “Yeah, yeah, we have” (Dream and his ‘friendship’ agenda)

This is when they meet Mexican Dream who was just outside Tommy’s Nether portal. An interesting thing I want to point out is Dream immediately moving directly in front of Tommy when he notices him (probably got used by now to assuming a defensive position).

“We’ll make this place like home man...” (MD already making everything better)

“What did you [Dream] do to him man?” “No but he is my friend now, apparently- I think. You are my-?” (immediately starts questioning things with MD presence there challenging Dream’s)

“I’m your new friend man” “Oh, do you need me to put my items in a pit for you?” (...) “This is what Dream always makes me do, is this right?” (looking once again at Dream for approval in the last bit)

“Hey, wait, so now that you’re here do I even need to follow this man?” (talking about Dream here)

“Okay, wait, how do I know that this isn’t a Dream? Because I keep having Dream’s and shit. I’m like a hallucinator” (so we can add recurrent hallucinations to his ever increasing list of symptoms)

"Even though he may be naked and homeless- are you homeless? Do you need a home?” “I’m homeless man” (And this is why MD was a problem to Dream, he was more then willing to stay with Tommy)

“Oh no that guy [a squid] has committed suicide just at the sound of it! Oh that’s... I envy him” (he is now openly suicidal)

“I don’t like Mexican Dream, Mexican Dream is weird” (sure it’s not just because he admitted to wanting to move to Logstedshire permanently there Dream?)

“Alright, Thomas, come over here, come over here” *Dream starts following as well* “NO! NO! You stay the fuck away!” (this is why we love MD)

“You know actually, he is sort of actually borderline my owner” (I hate that there was a time were both Tommy and Dream thought this)

After this Dream swaps for Mamacita, so I’m really not sure how canon things are here... there is a scene where MD comforts Tommy while he’s looking at pictures of Tubbo and then Mamacita destroys all but one of them.

“I really miss my family man” “Oh I miss my- I miss my family too” (would his family be Tubbo for Tommy?)

Dream does swap back to being Dream for the last 25 minutes. And he proceeds to immediately takes one of MD’s lives. It’s technically his second life because the first one was from a creeper exploding.

“No no shoot me not them, [the pictures of MD’s friends(?)] actually shoot them. I definitely don’t have my confidence back” (Dream immediately setting him back on his progress)

Right after the kill Tommy asks if he can bodyguard Dream in hopes of keeping him and MD from fighting so that MD would be safe. It doesn’t work. Also pretty sure that Dream canonically decapitated somebody.

“Mexican Dream, I-I’ve had enough of you” (Dream immediately ging back to be terrifying right there)

Dream then takes MD’s third canon life. Of course, in true Dream style, he immediately ignores all the distress Tommy is in and moves on like nothing happened.

“You just killed my last friend” (I hate that he’s not even angry)

“So Dream, do I not have any friends left?” “What do you mean ‘you don’t have any friends left’? You have me!” (Dream is the only friend that Dream is willing to allow Tommy to have)

Also I want to point out how Dream keeps ignoring any and all accusations of having killed MD, despite having done so right in front of Tommy. And then he proceeds to try and convince Tommy that he died of a drug overdose (which is just yet another example of gaslighting there from Dream). He then proceeds to make Tommy burn his remains, despite Tommy opposing this quite a bit.

“I know I haven’t really delved into my health with you ever, because I know you don’t really care, but I don’t think I have really long left” (at least he is somewhat aware about Dream not caring)

“I thought maybe we could have someone move in with us today, no. No He doesn’t allow that. Which is fine! Which is fine because, you know, it’s his- his uh- his rules now”

Once again I want to point out that this truly is just a glorified kidnapping. Tommy not only is confined to a very small area and not allowed to keep many items, he also doesn’t get to have anyone move in his area. Dream doesn’t want him to have any company that isn’t him, going as far as to literally kill someone to insure it (not too different from what he was planning to do in the season 2 finale). Either way the stream ends on a very pessimistic note about Tommy not having the will to go on for much longer at this point.

Now let’s move on to the Drista stream: TommyInnit Speaks To Dream's Sister AGAIN

As I said I’ll just give a general outline for this one since it’s honestly barely canon as is, so here we go:

Tommy doesn’t start off drowning this time. Drista arrives and starts immediately being chaotic as usual. They mess around for a while in the Nether, start building a tower (Dream at one point tries to convince Drista that it was Tommy to have killed MD), get bored and mess around some more. Also Drista gives Tommy a bedrock block and writes “Drista” out of bedrock near Logstedshire. Then Drista convinces Dream to let them go back to the main Smp for a while (though we do see Punz trying to kill him for breaking the rules before finding out Dream had given his permission). Once in Dream Smp they meet up with Quackity for a little bit.

Also, Tommy, king of always being in character, constantly asks very uncertainly: “Are you sure that I’m allowed here? This feels wrong...”

They then spawn in a bunch of dogs and wonder around in the smp. After a while Techno gets added to the call and Tubbo starts kinda following them around (though Tommy thinks he has a hallucination). I honestly don’t think any of this is canon. Anyway after a while Techno gets a bedrock block as well and he almost manages to give a stolen Pigstep to Tommy, but it gets intercepted. After a while their time is up and he has to go back by Dream’s order.

“If you don’t see me again in this, you know, in this shape, I’m sorry. (...) Yeah, in this alive form on this server... you might see me you knoa a bit- a bit- I don’t know... maybe a bit ghostly” (foreshadowing to his death that never actually happened during the Exile Arc thankfully)

The stream ends with a promise from Dream that he’ll be there the day after.

Moving on to the last one for today, we have Quackity’s visit: Quackity Visits TommyInnit in Exile

So, Quackity decides to go visit Tommy to try (and miserably failing) to lift his mood by giving him gifts supposedly from everyone in L’Manburg (which are pictures).

“I’ve got no reason to live” (and we start off immediately in the most depressing way possible)

Also, while we’re talking about this stream I have to point out that Tommy has a lot of self-harming behaviours, mostly drowning himself and shooting himself with arrows. Which is rather worrying to say the least.

“Big Q I have very little will to live right now” (again he's very open about his suicidal thoughts by now)

“Forget about Tubbo! Listen, listen Tommy, there are so many things you can turn to when you’re depressed, alright?” “I’m not depressed... I’ve got Dream, I’ve got Dream, I’ve got Dream” “Dream?! (...) Who escorted you out of L’Manburg? Who escorted you out of L’Manburg? Who gave you 30 minutes to go to L’manburg? [In the Drista visit]” “I want Dream”

This is Quackity trying albeit clumsily, to break Tommy out of Dream’s conditioning, though by this point it was far too ingrained for anything to be effective. Also we can see Tommy asking for Dream when he is distressed, which is something that keeps happening during the Bedrock Boys Arc as well.

After a little bit they decide to build a church and a “gambling place”. Techno also joins them after a while. (Also, according to Quackity, c!Dream is canonically racist for killing MD, do with that what you will). Also why does Quackity have a flight or flirt instinct with Techno?

Tommy, sarcastically: “I’m fine, I’m okay, it’s not like I have canonical depression”. That is a fair objection in any and all conversations.

The stream end a while later with nothing else of note. It is very funny though, so do give it a watch if you feel like it.

#tommyinnit #dreamwastaken #quackity #dream smp #exile arc #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw suicidal thoughts #long post #my post #relationship analysis #character analysis #this is basically the lightest post in the exile arc series #mostly because they all have questionable canonicity #though we do know now that md was entirely canon #so there's that #anyway next one will be the last one and then I'm free #also md says 'man' as frequently as dream says 'tommy'#I don't know what to do with that information

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buckleysjareau · 3 years

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maddie and evan against the world

this is something i wrote for buckley siblings week that i never ended up posting, but i’ve been in a writing slump lately but i want to post something so here’s some sad pre-canon buckley siblings!

trigger warnings; implied/referenced domestic abuse, suicidal thoughts, description of a depressive episode, mentions of child death... i think that’s it, if i missed anything let me know!

Growing up, Maddie had mastered the art of doing everything quietly. Sneaking in, sneaking out, standing outside her parents’ door as they fought over the bills and how are we going to pay for this IVF, Margaret?

Quiet crying, quiet talking, quiet everything.

It’s a skill that comes in handy once she’s out of the house, carries her through nursing school and Doug’s accusations of cheating when her shift runs late and she’s not home at the exact minute Doug expects her to be home. It carried her all the way back to Hershey where if she even made the slightest sound, she’d end up with bruises scattered in places he knew were easy coverage.

She had to be quiet to survive her parents, but she has to be absolutely silent to survive her husband.

Her body aches and her eyes burn as she stiffly lays beside her husband, silently crying as the last two hours replay in her head. Doug’s hand tightening little by little around her neck the angrier he got, screams of rage echoing around the room that she didn’t put away the corkscrew.

You never learn! It’s not my job to clean up after you, Maddie. That’s the woman’s job. Do you see what you make me do to you? I don’t want to hurt you, Maddie, but you never learn.

Her phone lighting up on her bedside table—set to silent, thank god—pulls her out of her own head.

Evan’s smiling face is staring right back at her and it causes more tears to fall before she squints to read the time. Why was her brother calling her at two in the morning? Her heart drops to her stomach as she thinks the worst.

Evan

Missed call

Evan

Voicemail

Swallowing the fear in the form of a lump in her throat, she glances at Doug, counts his breaths to make sure he’s in a deep sleep and slips out of bed without making too much movement. She grabs her phone, makes sure to avoid the part of their bedroom floor that creaks and lets out a sigh of relief once she’s made it to the bathroom.

She doesn’t know what she’s expecting of his voicemail but she’s not even two seconds into listening to it and her heart breaks at the gut wrenching sob he lets out.

“I need you,” Evan all but pleads. “I can’t–I can’t do it anymore. Everything is too much and I’m not enough, and I miss you, Maddie, I miss you. I need you, Mads. I–I wish I wasn’t alive. It’s all too much.”

Maddie has to put her arm over mouth to stifle the sob that’s ripped from her throat. She tenses, scared the noise would wake Doug up. Once she’s in the clear, she opens her texts and sends up a thank you to whatever higher power there is that Evan still has his location on.

I’m on my way.

She sends out the text and starts her descent down the stairs, walking on her tiptoes to make sure she doesn’t get busted before she has the chance to get to her brother.

She slides on a random pair of shoes by the door, grabs the keys to her Jeep, and before she knows it she’s on the road, following the directions given from Find My iPhone.

I can’t–I can’t do it anymore.

I need you, Mads.

I–I wish I wasn’t alive.

Everything is too much and I’m not enough.

The voicemail keeps replaying in her head and the guilt of ever leaving him grabs a hold of her throat and she can’t breathe through it.

He has to be okay. He’s going to be okay. She’s gonna be there for him like she should have been before.

It’s snowing when she reaches Penn State. In itself, it’s not a shock that it’s snowing in Central Pennsylvania in the middle of December. What is a shock, though, is that her brother is out in the middle of it in only basketball shorts and a Penn State hoodie.

“Evan!” Maddie shouts once she’s parked and out of her car.

Evan spins around at the sound of her voice and the way his face just crumbles is something she would probably never forget.

“You came.” He chokes on a sob, seemingly desperate to maintain some level of okay but it’s plain to see, he was anything but.

Maddie does nothing to stop the tears that steadily stream down her face. Instead, she reaches up to cup her brother’s face and wipes away a few tears that fall. “I’ll always come when you need me.”

The invisible thread that seemed to be holding her brother together and upright breaks from the power of the storm raging inside of him and he collapses into her arms and falls apart.

Her brother has definitely grown since the last time he’d fallen apart in her arms when he was fourteen and terrified of his sexuality. She tries to hold him up and comfort him for as long as she can but the bruises on her back ache and she can only carry so much of his weight.

She clears her throat and fights back a wince. “Hey Ev, why don’t we get in the Jeep, out of this cold, yeah? You’ll feel better in the heat.”

Hiccuping and borderline hyperventilating, Evan can only nod.

The second Evan is in the passenger’s seat, he pulls his legs up close to his chest and rests his head on his knees. He looks small, which is not an adjective Maddie would use on her brother nowadays given his 6’2 frame and the muscles he gained as Quarterback.

Maddie gives herself a minute to calm down before she drives the four miles to the twenty-four hour diner her parents had taken her to eat after she toured Penn State ten years before.

“C’mon, let’s get you some chamomile tea and some food in you.”

Evan sniffles and Maddie is reminded of her five year old brother learning how to ride a bike. Daniel’s bike, she can’t help the heartbroken feeling in her chest at the thought of her older brother she never got to mourn.

Once they’re seated with hot beverages to keep them warm—and in Evan’s case, calm— Maddie breaks the silence.

“What’s going on, Evan? What happened?” She asks, resting her hand on top of his.

He doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he fidgets with the utensils on the table and rolls up the paper from the straws. Maddie doesn’t rush him, she knows not to. She knows he’ll talk on his own time.

“I–Maddie, I’m not–”

“Take your time.”

Evan meets her eyes, closes his own and then looks down. “I’m not okay, Mads. I haven’t been for a long time a–and it’s gotten so bad I can’t get myself out of bed. I’m on academic probation, if I can’t get my grades up–” Evan’s voice cracks and so does Maddie’s heart. “I’m gonna get kicked out of school, and I–I don’t– I can’t face mom and dad if that happens and I try, Mads, I try so hard to get myself together again but I feel like my body isn’t attached to itself a lot, and I lose time, and I’m just a waste of space anyway– fuck, I want to die, I don’t want to be alive right now and I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Maddie is on his side of the booth and instantly pulls him in. Evan lays his head on her shoulder as Maddie runs her hand through his unruly curls much like she used to when Buck was young and tiny. The position is a bit awkward but neither want to leave the comfort of each other’s arms long enough to adjust their positions.

“It’s okay, Ev, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll figure it out together, I promise. We’ll get you help.”

Evan lets out a sound Maddie could only describe as wail. His whole body is shaking with the force of his cries but, without lifting his head or moving anything else, he holds out his pinky.

Maddie half laughs, half cries and links it with his.

Maddie and Evan against the world.

Ten years later, when Chimney shakes her awake and tells her Buck needs her after receiving a similar call, she doesn’t have to worry about walking on eggshells just to be there for her brother.

Ten years later, when Buck hits that low point and feels like he has no one, Maddie is there to show him that’s not true. He had her. She had him.

They always had each other.

#evan buckley #maddie buckley #the buckley siblings #my writing #my fics #911 #911 on fox #tw domestic abuse #tw suicide

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mrsgreenworld · 3 years

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Son Yaz Episode 23

"İmkansız" ("The Impossible") aka It's Worth It

It's strange but after the last episode I've been thinking a lot about Arrow. Sure I'm a big Arrow and Olicity fan. Hell, they're the reason I got a Tumblr account. When the show ended, it was tough. Because it had been a part of my life for several years and it resonated with me deeply and it had given me a sense of community and belonging. So I feared I would never feel it again. But then Sen Çal Kapımı kinda attacked me, pulled me in and it was so great - feeling this passionate about something again. And despite SCK having turned into a mess and huge disappointment, I'll always appreciate those early days and keep them in my heart. After all, it brought me to you @lolo-deli and @djemsostylist. This alone is something I'm very grateful for. But my disappointment with SCK left me wondering yet again: would I ever find something worth watching and shipping and obsessing over? I got my answer when, after having seen all the amazing gifs by @aslibekroglu, I finally gave in and started watching Son Yaz. And it's completely taken over my life ever since. Not in a way SCK had back in the day. By similar to the way I felt when I was watching Arrow. I know it may seem kinda crazy because Son Yaz and Arrow are two completely different shows. Like, two shows cannot be any further apart, almost to the point of polar opposites. But I've realized that, if we look past the genre, language, the storytelling and all other differences, there's something very similar in the heart and core of both these shows. I looked at Akgün in the last episode and holy shit how much he reminded me of Oliver Queen. And I'll gladly explain why. Let's get down to it.

Akgün

So how the hell did I end up comparing Akgün Gökalp Taşkın and Oliver Queen? It's very simple really (at least it is in my mind 🙈😆) and I'm surprised I haven't made this connection before. Because both Akgün and Oliver are essentially the same type of character - a tortured hero, tainted by darkness and burdened with past sins but ultimately a very good person with a pure heart, bright light inside and infinite capacity to love. Both of them don't hesitate to make sacrifices for those they love, they can be borderline suicidal when it comes to protecting their loved ones. Sure Oliver had a mission and wanted to make a difference by helping people and protecting the whole city. Akgün doesn't have these ambitions. But then again Son Yaz isn't a superhero type of show. But if we remove the "super" part and focus on just the men, we'll see that what they both crave is actually very simple - love and family. I also think that Akgün reminds me of Oliver more now because in season 1, despite his difficult childhood and the loss of his mother, there still was some innocence left in him, he wasn't truly touched by the darkness. It changed when he shot his brother and helped Selim beat up to death and then buried a man, possibly still alive. Taking someone's life robs a person of innocence. Same thing happened to Oliver. However, he's way more acquainted with darkness, given how he dropped bodies left and right at the beginning of his vigilante career. It's clear that Akgün and Oliver had very different journeys but it's impossible for me to ignore the core similarities.

Another thing Akgün and Oliver have in common is their desire to not just protect their loved ones from the dangers and evil of this world, but also from themselves, their own darkness. They deem themselves unworthy of the women they love. Akgün even straight out confessed it to Yağmur in the moment of panic. That's the reason he left - he didn't want to taint her with his darkness. But then again, he's never truly left her or given up on her. He's given up on himself. He's doomed himself to loneliness.

I must say that episode 23 in general made me love Akgün even more. We saw not only his devotion and fierce love for Yağmur but his love and loyalty to Soner. Their brotp is one of the best things on this show and I sure hope they won't destroy it.

The Rocket Team (yes, the name is now canon!!!!) reunion gave me all the feels. Seeing these three grown men turn into teary eyed mess just melted my heart.

Throughout the whole episode we saw Akgün trying to be there for everyone. He didn't want to argue with and go against Selim but he also didn't want to betray Soner. The scene where Akgün met with Selim and told him that Soner and Naz had gotten married, made me so proud of him. He was the reasonable one in that moment. That's a first 🙈😆 At the end of the scene Akgün also managed to make me laugh. Really laugh. I didn't think I would be laughing any time soon this season but his wild gestures, his frustration with Selim and his "just listen to me for once" - all of that was funny to watch.

Just like I said, Akgün was supportive and tried being there for everyone, that's why he was immediately on board with the wedding. Soner had to only ask and it's like the three years of not having seen each other were erased in that moment. Akgün didn't try to talk Soner out of it, didn't ask any questions. He did remind Soner of the consequences but it was very cautious, filled with love and concern, without overstepping and disrespecting Soner's choice.

Then there was Yağmur... Akgün and Soner going to search for her and then the moment when Akgün found Yağmur in that storage room - that was for sure the highlight of the episode for me. First we saw Akgün and Soner working together as a well-oiled machine. Perfect partners in crime 😎 And after they split, the moment when Akgün stopped for a second and just smelled Yağmur... Damn. Such a parallel to Yağmur smelling him in episode 22. It doesn't matter how many years have passed, what they've been through, how much they've changed, doesn't matter if there's anger and pain and so much unsaid between them - they still just feel each other. Their connection is there, strong as ever. And Alperen totally knocked it out of the park, showing Akgün's panic and raw fear the moment he found Yağmur. He'd never seen her like that and it shook him to the core. I swear he looked ready to cut his chest open, take out his heart or, I don't know, lungs and give to Yağmur, just to make it stop, just to make her okay again 😭😭😭

When Naz tried to tell Akgün about Yağmur and what she had been through, Akgün didn't want to hear it. Because he couldn't bear it. But in the end he was forced to witness Yağmur's breakdown. The first one of many others to come. And when they come, he won't be able to stay away any longer.

Yağmur

Yağmur's journey this season is all about healing and acceptance. She has to live through those 5 stages of grief. Just like Meredith Grey once said: "There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us. But there are always five". And I already said in my episode 22 review that Yağmur locked herself in denial. Naz in her conversation with Akgün confirmed it. But ever since Akgün showed up in the restaurant, it's like the floodgates of Yağmur's grief have been open. She started spiralling, diving head first into anger. All her anger was directed at Akgün. And even though Yağmur came to visit Akgün in prison to say that she was no longer angry with him, her biting words, the "I don't love you anymore" and the following panick attack - all of that only proves that she's still just as angry with him as she was, simply because she's still very much in love with him.

I think Yağmur's bargaining stage of grief revealed itself with Naz, when Yağmur went to the hotel to bring Naz home. In Yağmur's head there is this idea that she has to protect Naz, she's convinced that she can save her cousin from suffering Canan's fate. But Naz refused to go with Yağmur, therefore making Yağmur feel helpless and maybe even abandoned. Already in this fragile and vulnerable state, Yağmur completely lost it after having heard gunshots. She finally started accepting that something's wrong. And it's so important that, when she finally said the words "I don't recognize myself anymore", Akgün was the one she said those words to. It's like she had been waiting for him all this time. Naz told Akgün that Yağmur needed someone to tell her what had happened to her. Akgün's that someone. Only with Akgün back in her life, Yağmur will finally accept her mother's death and then start moving on.

Selim

I don't have much to say about Selim in episode 23 other than a string of curses 🤬🤬🤬.

I've never loved this character and barely even liked him. Canan made him bearable and with her gone... Well, we've got what we saw in the last episode. I wonder how he was never kicked out of his job. Not only was he completely unhinged but also absolutely stupid and unprofessional during that mission with Sare. Then him forcing Akgün to choose between himself and Soner. And of course him storming into Yağmur and Emel's house, yelling and demanding to see Naz. Mister, it's not your place to demand anything, let alone act all righteous and question Emel as a mother. I swear, I wanted to rip his tongue out 😠😡😤

That's pretty much all I have to say about Selim in the last episode. Well, I've got more to say but I don't see it moving forward without me spitting profanities and turning violent.

A few honourable mentions:

🖤 Naz and her attempt to talk to Akgün about Yağmur.

🖤 Sare was kinda funny and she deserved a cookie for putting up with Selim. Glad they didn't make her stupid and she figured out that she was being followed.

🖤 Cihan trying to help Yağmur with her panick attack was very sweet. It was a nice first meeting. Although him being her secret admirer is kinda creepy and makes zero sense for now. I really hope they're going to show how it all started. Speaking of Cihan. I'm kinda conflicted about him. On the one hand, he's sweet and gentle with Yağmur, pretty hot when he was speaking German but also cunning and cold-blooded when he tipped off the Mertoğlu about Soner's whereabouts. And in episode 24 he's going to team up with Akgün to avenge Soner?🤔 Damn, the guy's making my head spin.

And that's pretty much it. Görüşürüz!

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princekirijo · 3 years

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if i were to ask you for a yukamitsu infodump would you do it?

Speaking of which, can we have a yukamitsu infodump?

Anon I am vibrating at the speed of light that's how happy you've just made me. I will infodump about them no problem no questions asked. This got ridiculously long so I have to put a read more in. Enjoy me incomprehensibly screaming about my favorite ship of all time 💀

Ok so yukamitsu. It's honestly my favorite ship/pairing out of any media ever because I think it's so well done and there's a LOT of material for it in canon. So ok to start off the beginning. It's very obvious from the start that Yukari dislikes/distrusts Mitsuru because she blames her for what happened to her father (she's basically the closest she can get to the Kirijo Group so I can understand why she directs most of her anger at her). Now Mitsuru I think can tell that Yukari doesn't like her but doesn't let it show that it bothers her. I think it does upset Mitsuru a little because we see her getting sad at Yakushima when Yukari lashes out at her and also after the love hotel mission. Speaking of the love hotel mission in the female route as far as I know they can literally end up in a room together under the influence of the shadow (like femc and Akihiko and it's very heavily implied that the same thing happened because Mitsuru gets very flustered and says "oh nothing happened") which is like mega gay. So there is tension between the two at the start for good reason to be honest.

But after the Yakushima stuff Yukari starts to shift the blame towards the Kirijo Group itself as opposed to Mitsuru so the tension between them alleviates a bit. Now the drama CD that I listened to yesterday was set during the summer school stuff. And in that the tension between the two was present BUT it was now because Yukari was annoyed with Mitsuru over something that she couldn't quite understand. Until she realizes that it wasn't Mitsuru that was upsetting her exactly but herself. Because she could see that Mitsuru was taking on too much work AND YUKARI COULDN'T FIND A WAY TO HELP HER. She was upset with her own helplessness to help Mitsuru if that makes sense. Mitsuru realizes that Yukari was upset with her taking on too much responsibility and the cd ends with Mitsuru asking Yukari specifically to help her with student council work because she wanted to spend time with her DEAR FRIEND and COMPANION. Now look that's pretty gay if you ask me ok. I don't go out of my way to hang out with friends and call them my companions unless I'm crushing/interested in them in that way. Also to make amends Mitsuru offers Yukari the use of her private shower which you know, that's a pretty big deal.

Then fast forward a few months (big P3 spoilers here) and we get to Mitsuru's dad dying and Yukari recovering the true recording of her dad. The recording is important because it basically removes any of the blame Yukari had towards Mitsuru over her dad dying by showing that her dad sacrificed himself to stop the crazy experiments and also showed that Yukari's dad loved her. So Yukari knows what it's like to lose a parent you're close to. And she can see that Mitsuru is in so much pain from losing her own father. She goes looking for her just before the Kyoto trip because she heard she wasn't going and convinces her to come because she knew it would do her good. Then god the Kyoto scene. THE KYOTO SCENE MAN KILLS ME. Mitsuru breaking down and admitting that her whole reason for fighting was to protect her father (which nobody else knew) and now he was gone she didn't have a reason to live. Then Yukari literally slapping some sense into her and reminding her that she had other reasons to live and that she had to uphold her father's legacy and get rid of the dark hour for both their fathers' sakes. And then Mitsuru turning around and thanking Yukari and asking her to stand by her side until the end. Ok aside from that sounding weirdly like a marriage vow (til death do us part pretty fucking gay Mitsuru) it's also a sign that Mitsuru is starting to trust others. The only other time she ever made a vow/promise similar to this is to herself to protect her father and relieve him of his burden no matter what. AND YET HERE SHE IS MAKING A SIMILAR VOW TO YUKARI. A VOW THAT CAUSES HER TO AWAKEN TO HER ULTIMATE PERSONA AND STRENGTH HER RESOLVE TO LIVE AND DEFEAT THE DARK HOUR NO MATTER WHAT. Don't touch me I am CRYING. Also in the middle of all that Yukari is like "oh let's take a bath together" and Mitsuru BLUSHES. Mitsuru only blushes twice in the main story (not including her Social Link). And both of those times as because of Yukari. Also I'm sorry who asks if you want to take a bath together I don't know about you but I'm not gonna turn around to my "best friend" and be like ahaha wanna take a bath and get naked together :] like who does that Yukari unless you're pretty gay for said person.

Then ok I could sit here and scream about the drama CDs New Moon and Full Moon (which fun reminder that they are canon :]) but this is super long already and I still have more to talk about. But they happen after the Kyoto trip and are incredibly gay. The whole thing can be summed up by Yukari shooting down a helicopter to save Mitsuru and "aiming with the power of her heart". She says that word for word by the way. Oh and Mitsuru's mother literally approves of their relationship and wants to meet Yukari.

Then after that there's just little scenes between them. For example in December when all of SEES are deciding what to do about Ryoji. Mitsuru goes into Yukari's room to talk to her about the whole thing and the first thing Yukari says is "aww are you feeling lonely ;)" in a really teasing (borderline flirty imo) voice and Mitsuru giggles and is like "are you teasing me". Like that little exchange is so playful and it's so nice to see them just bonding casually given everything that's happened between them before. And then they both resolve not to give up and to fight Nyx together no matter what. Which is super cute and gay. There's also a scene around this stage in the fourth movie where Yukari seems to be almost suicidal and Mitsuru getting really concerned about her. This even leads to Io (because the ultimate personas don't show up until the very end in the movies which was weird but anyway) trying to attack Yukari and Mitsuru and the others freaking out. I'm not doing that scene justice because it's been a while since I saw the last movie but it's very gay.

Then there's the Answer. After Yukari breaks down at the thought of not being able to rescue the Protagonist who comforts her?? Mitsuru. Mitsuru tells her that she didn't actually agree with what she was doing but she didn't want Yukari to fight alone and wanted to repay her for helping her deal with the loss of her father. And then she says she considers Yukari standing by her side during the main story was one of the most cherished moments of her life. Because remember up until this point Mitsuru had massive difficulty opening up to anyone and Yukari was the first person she truly opened up to. This scene makes me cry every time because like to see Mitsuru be so supportive of Yukari and gently reminder that she has friends to lean on and their hug just makes me so soft and tender.

That's all the canon stuff. As for my own feelings well I really started shipping them because of everything that happens in canon but like the idea of them ending up together makes me so happy and soft. Both of them had pretty rough childhoods and they both lost their fathers whom they were close to so like they understand each other on a fundamental level. Yukari was the first person that Mitsuru ever properly opened up to and Yukari also really cares for Mitsuru even when she was apprehensive of her and blamed her for the death of her father. I just think they're perfect for each other and the idea of them being happily married makes me so soft. Which is pretty much why I have a whole au about my fankids for them.

Ultimately I just think that their relationship in canon is really powerful and really well done. The ship is a beautiful example of enemies to friends to lovers and I just love them with all my little gay heart.

#persona 3 #mitsuru kirijo #yukari takeba #yukamitsu #anon you are my new favorite person on this planet #this took over an hour to answer yikes #i hope to god this makes sense #but man i think about yukamitsu and i go feral #i have a super soft spot for domestic yukamitsu hence my au 💀💀💀💀#if you read this whole thing then fucking congratulations cause this was a mess 💀💀💀💀#i had so much fun doing it though thank you 🥺🥺🥺#BRO I DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT ARENA ULTIMAX #THAT'S GAY AS FUCK TOO GOD #THESE BITCHES JUST GAY

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #461

“this city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?”

Have you ever wanted a Nikon camera? Or do you have one already? My camera before the one I have now was a Nikon D3200. I use a Canon now. Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? A friend. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I have it, but I barely use it nowadays. I use it to edit photos for character profiles or profile pictures, add a watermark for my actual photography, and I used to make Mark-oriented gifs like crazy. They mostly did really well, so... I might wanna get back into that and get That Sweet Validation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? No. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? None, I think. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression. Can you tolerate children for a long period of time? NO. Have you ever lived with someone you felt thoroughly uncomfortable around? No. Are you into dubstep? Yeah, I tend to enjoy it. Zelda or The Sims games? Can I pick neither? lol I don't feel very much at all for The Sims, and Zelda games have always looked... boring to me? Like I've watched most of the Game Grumps' playthroughs of all the games, and they make it hilarious of course, but the games themselves? Nah. Are you terrible at assigning bands their proper genre? YES YES YES YES YES YES. Even in my preferred category, that being metal, FUCK if I know the sub-genre. Have you ever made out in a closet? No, that shit sounds claustrophobic as hell. Have you ever been to a laser tag place? Yeah, on a triple-date once! It was SO fun. How do you wanna celebrate your next birthday? Have a couple friends over, pig out at The Cheesecake Factory. o3o Do you tease your parents about them being old? No, especially not Mom. She's self-conscious about getting older. Are you in love with someone? "In love" is a bit too far, buddy. But I love someone. Have you ever ridden a unicycle? No. Have you ever wanted a pet bunny? I was VERY serious about getting a lop-eared bunny for quite a while, but we just couldn't afford to adopt one (even off Craigslist) and get a cage for it, toys, etc. Are the bottom of your feet clean? I HATE seeing the bottom of my feet. Not because they're dirty, but because it's Callus City. I ain't even fuckin jokin'. Do you like really salty food? Yeah. :x When’s the last time you bled a lot? Well, I just recently finished my cycle after not menstruating for three or four MONTHS, so you can figure that one out. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yeah. I like to know exactly when it's coming. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes to both. When you’re done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers? Usually kasdjlf;kalsdjf shut up ok I like food. What’s the most racist thing you have ever said? As a little kid, when my really good friend (a neighborhood kid, even) asked if he thought we'd be a good couple, I told him no because "blacks and whites don't date" or something like that. It was an idea I'd never been exposed to before; the idea was so foreign to little kid me. I had no idea I was being racist. It ended in a small fight and we didn't talk for a few days 'til he came to my house telling Mom that he had to "be a man" and fix this and if that ain't the cUTEST SHIT RIGHT THERE. We were friends again after that. He's still on my Facebook, and he actually semi-recently got married! :') Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? No. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Does weed smell good? Or no? Ugh, no. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? Successful and happy she kept pushing. Mama to so many reptiles that are blessed with the best lives possible in human care. Got at least one amazing book out there. If she's reading this, you've fucking got this. <3 Would you like to have twins? Mother of fucking god, no. Even if I WANTED kids, do fucking not give me twins. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? My mom. Want to have kids before you’re 30? Once again, I don't want kids, but IF I did, that'd be preferable before the risk of birth defects and other issues climb with age. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My older sister has my initial. Do you think somebody’s in love with you? No. Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in ten years? Yes, I genuinely do. Who were the last people to hang out at your house? Miss Tobey, our friend and landlord. Does anyone like you? Welp... I hope he still does. Guess we'll figure that out soon. What person on your Facebook do you talk to the most? VIA Facebook? Probably my friend Lyndsey. She likes to comment on stuff I share. Do you want to fall in love? I do, but I'm also utterly horrified to and risk being hurt again. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? No. Once I realized I was so deeply into Girt, all other romantic feelings kinda just... poofed. How was your last break up? Civil and done with both of our best interests in mind. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say? Probably the first time I admitted I needed to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was so, so scared of what it was going to be like. What is the hardest thing you NEEDED to hear? That if Jason wasn't happy with me, he had every right to move on. She was right. Do you treat yourself well? No... but I'm trying to change that. What was the last song you sang out loud to? This "Set Fire to the Rain" cover. Do you take good pictures? I think I do? Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? Holy shit, so much, especially when it comes to morality and political stances. I am now a massive supporter and member of the LGBTQ+ community, I'm pro-trans rights, pro-choice... I've done like a dozen 180s in a lot of topics. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? I mean, some doctors, but no one in my truly personal life. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yes: my cousin. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? LAKSDJFKLA;JWD NEVER AND I PRAY TO THE HOLY LORD THAT I NEVER DO. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not massively? Like literally everyone gets them and is natural and inevitable. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? I know one alcoholic, and one that's probably borderline. I also have two friends who are extremely addicted to weed. Look me in the eyes and say it's not an addictive substance and I wouldn't believe you one bit. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? Eh, sometimes World of Warcraft. Some days I'm really into it, and others I barely touch it. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have no clue. I don't even remember movies that were made *for* Disney exclusively. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. We have a friend from the dance studio mow the lawn. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? My iPod has a whole live album of Ozzy. Did you or do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Both did and do. Britney is a boss bitch. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? No, but I've seen some of that P!nk music video of the song and it brings out the Gay in me. Do you have a key to anything besides your house? No. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I've done that before. I miss doing puzzles... Have you ever been to any sort of convention? I went to a reptile expo with Sara!! I REALLY want to go to another when my legs are stronger and can handle standing and walking so much. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom. Have you ever tried to walk on a moving vehicle and fallen over? No????? What is your favourite kind of bread? Is there any of that in your house? Pumpernickel. No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I played the flute all through middle school and I wanna say half of HS. Have you ever ordered an unusual drink at a bar? Never even been to one. Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport? I think once for some reason I don't recall? What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times) Gingerbread men, probs. Or chocolate bunnies!!! :') How do you feel right now? My stomach is KILLING me. I'm super excited though that Girt is coming over tomorrow. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. What would you like your generation to change? How we treat nature. Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? No. I learned that is a very unhealthy mentality to have. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I just hate carrots. What restaurant did you last go out to dinner at with friends? With friends? I couldn't even guess. Does your refrigerator have an ice maker or do you use ice cube trays? It has an ice maker. Do you have a favorite sibling, if any? No; I love them all. Do you have a favorite brand of clothing? I STAN CLOAK. How’s the love life? Something new might start tomorrow. I think it will. Do you watch the news? No; that shit is depressing. Who do you admire most? Mark. Do you have a favorite album? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne takes the cake and always will.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''city'' by hollywood undead

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kylermalloy · 4 years

Text

my Thoughts on rebels

Now I don’t have any hot takes or any controversial opinions to put out here. Rebels is a simple show with a simple plot. There’s not a whole lot to analyze, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to enjoy. Sometimes all you need is a straightforward concept with lovable characters. So let me proceed to squeal about Dave Filoni’s second masterpiece, Rebels.

Spoilers abound!

Before I say anything else...

THEY HAD A BABY I haven’t stopped squealing.

Zeb Okay I’ll start with Zeb, for no particular reason. He was the only main character I hadn’t really heard about or seen much of before I started watching. In the first few scenes with him, I was afraid he’d become his stereotype—the thuggish gorilla who argues all the time, disobeys orders, messes up plans, and borderline betrays his friends. I was so pleasantly surprised when none of that happened. Maybe by virtue of being a kids’ show, these characters don’t have *edgy* or twisted nuances. Zeb is fiercely loyal. He likes smashing heads in and gets grumbly sometimes, but he’s never a hindrance. He’s not just “the muscle”; his ingenuity saves the day on more than one occasion. If anything, his nuances take him the other way—he’s incredibly sensitive and childlike in some ways. Being one of the last of his kind is a major plot point of several episodes, which brings so much depth to him and his psyche. It also informs SO MUCH on his relationship with Kallus. Speaking of...

Kallus I never, ever expected Kallus to be anything more than a season-long plot device. The fact that he stuck around and went through actual character development?? Amazing. The episode where he and Zeb are stranded together is gold. He’s got a sense of honor even as he works for the Empire, sparing the rebels as Zeb spared him. He develops a new set of ideals thanks to our heroes, and he begins to question and regret the things he’s done for the Empire—ethnic cleansing of Zeb’s Lasat people included. And that last scene of them in the epilogue? I’m not gonna lie, it was a bit shippy.

KANERA I know while the show was airing, fans were constantly asking when Kanan and Hera were going to get together. But for me, they seemed to be married from the first episode. Hera calling Kanan “love” and teasing him? Kanan constantly worrying after Hera while simultaneously believing in her ability to do...absolutely everything? Their parenting of Ezra, Sabine, Chopper, and even Zeb? Explicitly referring to them as “the kids” and themselves as “Mom and Dad”? Yeah, they’re married. And let’s not underplay their strengths as individual characters. Kanan—or Caleb—is exactly what you would expect of a Jedi whose training is only halfway complete. He’s cool and awesome, but also riddled with self-doubt and uncertainty. And Hera is the mature voice of reason this merry band of children so desperately needs—except of course when she’s the one rushing headlong into danger, whether to get a fighter prototype or to steal a family heirloom or to save a couple pilots in a suicidally risky move. She’s a perfect blend of mature reason and headstrong determination that makes a true rebel. (Wait a minute...she’s totally Katara! Maybe that’s why I love her so much.)

Now back to them as a couple! Most of the show did nothing to advance their relationship—further reinforcing my headcanon that things were always happening between them behind the scenes. Even though they became official canon in the last season, the appearance of their kid in the epilogue proves I was right—based only on what we saw, there was no time for them to make a baby. Of COURSE there were things going on behind the scenes. 😏 (I found the interview that explains exactly where Jacen came from, and I was equal parts ecstatic and freaked out.)

Did I mention THEY HAD A BABY???

Ezra So apparently there are people in the Star Wars fandom who hate Ezra? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; Star Wars fans hate everything. Except the OT. If you hate the OT you’re a heathen. I can’t really think of a solid reason why people hate Ezra, except for the fact that he seems to be a Luke Skywalker analog. He’s a poor kid with Force sensitivities who gets adopted by a Jedi and becomes a venerated leader of the Rebellion. He also finds an oddball group of friends he comes to call family but eventually bids them farewell after the death of his mentor. They’re not carbon copies, of course—Luke’s an optimistic idealist; Ezra’s a cynic. Luke whines; Ezra snarks. Luke blows up the Death Star and defeats Vader; Ezra completes a series of far more complicated missions and defeats Inquisitors and Thrawn. Again by virtue of him being the star of a tv show instead of just three feature length movies, he gets a lot more time to have his adventures. Maybe there’s some resentment over him getting more screentime than Luke? Maybe it’s because I’m just Not a Luke Skywalker stan. I like him fine, but I don’t hold him up as some perfect saintlike hero. (I didn’t have any problems with his TLJ characterization.) The people who do need to rewatch the OT they hold so dear. Luke’s a beautiful drama queen and you all should love him for that. But I’m here to talk about Ezra! Listen, this child is a disaster and a half—just like Luke, just like Anakin, just like young Obi-Wan. There is nothing to not like about him—except that he reminds you of your favorite characters but he’s not them.

Clone Wars characters I initially started watching this show solely for the characters I already knew from Clone Wars. Ahsoka Tano has been my girl ever since I started watching Clone Wars, and I didn’t even consider watching Rebels until I knew they had undone her death. (If there was just ONE character they could needlessly save via time travel, they picked the right one.) At any rate, she’s perfect in this show. She’s more grown-up, more mature, but still retains that *young and plucky* spirit. (For the record, I usually hate the *plucky* characters. Somehow, she works for me. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t really do that annoying cocky smirk thing.)

But it’s not just Ahsoka. Rex survived! I’m so glad at least one clone (two? Wolffe?) made it out of the war okay. And he’s great here. His constant snarking with Kanan reminded me so much of his banter with Anakin (and I’m sure it reminded him of that too ;-; ) His presence on Rebels isn’t strictly necessary, narratively speaking, but it’s just a nice tie-in to the world we got used to in Clone Wars. It reminds us that this world with the Empire was once the world of the Republic, and there are still clones out there—even if there’s no place for them in this new order. This of course reinforces the tragic narrative of clones as sentient beings created for nothing but combat. And again, I commend both shows for making me feel that narrative so deeply!

Hondo and Maul were two of my favorite antagonists from Clone Wars, so seeing their multiple appearances here filled me with joy. Hondo cracked me up, as usual, and Maul’s farewell was touching and heartbreaking. I almost wish he were still around! There’s still his duel with Ahsoka in season 7 of Clone Wars... 👀 Honestly what surprised me most about those two were the way they were both presented as protagonists. Hondo especially, and Maul does become an antagonist again. But it really speaks to the way all paradigms in the galaxy have shifted after the Republic became the Empire. In Clone Wars, Hondo was portrayed as an annoying hindrance to our heroes. Now with the Empire as an adversary to our main characters, Hondo is an ally. An untrustworthy one of course, mostly in it for the money, but his interests usually lie with helping our heroes, not hurting them. Besides, nothing tops his relationship with Ezra. Their first meeting had me in fits: “You lied to me?? I KNEW I liked you!” (Also I forgot to mention the running gag of Ezra introducing himself as Jabba the Hutt? Genius. And hilarious, since some people actually believe him at first)

THEY HAD A BABY!!!

Thrawn I need to see this guy again. Whether in a continuation where we learn what happened to him and Ezra, or some other moment in time where we see him younger, rising through the ranks of the Empire full of ambition and ideas. He’s quietly menacing, always confident and meticulous. He does a great job of making the rebels feel helpless in their fight, needling their pressure points and taunting them—but he never makes the conflict personal to him. He always remains detached, just a guy doing his duty. He’s just there to pick up interesting art pieces. I love the way he’s acted—always quiet, cultured, practically whispering. I didn’t know he was voiced by Lars Mikkelson until after I watched, but that was a perfect choice. I found the Inquisitors a little flat as villains (antagonists, whatever) and the other Empire ministers and governors not very threatening. Thrawn was the perfect balance (lol) between interesting and a genuine threat.

MANDALORE For all of Sabine’s merits as a character, I love her most in the Mandalorian arcs. The episode where she comes into her power and wields the darksaber is one of my favorites. She’s not a traditional stern, stoic Mandalorian character. She’s a free spirit, incredibly creative and intellectual. Yet she’s also afraid of her mind and what she could create—for years she created weapons for the Empire to feed her hubris. Maybe that’s why she mainly sticks to painting throughout the series. :) Anyway. I look forward to the follow-up detailing her adventures with Ahsoka.

Chopper I rolled my eyes so hard when I first saw Chopper. Everything from his name to his design screamed “kiddie version of R2D2” and I was fully prepared to hate him. I don’t. He’s just like R2, in that every sentence he says sounds like it’s punctuated with about ten different swearwords. It’s hilarious seeing such a cute character being so surly and even threatening on occasions! Chopper kicks some serious butt. He even comes with a tragic backstory!

Lastly, I don’t think I’ve mentioned...

THEY HAD A BABY AND HE’S ADORABLE

#star wars #rebels #mymeta #ish #kylerrambles #zeb orrelios #kallus #kanera #kanan jarrus #hera syndulla #ezra bridger #jacen syndulla #ahsoka tano #rex #hondo ohnaka #darth maul #grand admiral thrawn #sabine wren #chopper

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lurkingleighbee · 3 years

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Thrawn Ascendancy: Greater Good Chapter One - Chapter Three

Chapter One

The Chiss Ascendancy (according to Thrawn): power, stability, integrity, light in the darkness, culture, and glory

Ar’alani faces off with the Nikardun, who appear to want to die as martyrs

Ar’alani seems to have that desired combination of experience and intuition

“There were tables and balance charts to calculate that sort of thing. Ar’alani preferred to do it by eyesight and experienced judgement.”

puppies = whiskercubs?

Thrawn and Ar’alani work well as a team :)

“...she and Thrawn had worked together long enough that she knew he would see what she was seeing and know exactly what she wanted him to do.”

Ar’alani seems to be AOK with striking down what are basically floating, defenseless ships without offering a surrender. Pretty dark.

Thurfian got a secret promotion to Syndic and is preening on the inside (and apparently promotions within the family are supposed to be kept secret)

Thurfian still hates Thrawn and wants him gone (I think the reason(s) were spelled out in the previous book, but this is an obsession of another kind)

the Vagaari are confirmed canon again! But then again, you may know what that means

“That was certainly one of his most mixed-results exploits... [Thrawn] captured that gravity-well generator the researchers are still trying to figure out, but then lost the big alien ship from Lesser Space before anyone could get a look inside.”

Mitth’ras’safis (aka Thrass) is most certainly MIA

possibility: will Thrawn find his brother?

and what about C’Baoth? And Lorana?

Zistalmu (from the Irizi family, same as Ar’alani) and Thurfian (from the Mitth family) are going to start a rumor that’ll (they hope) get Thrawn an... “extra-long deployment” (my words)

Thurfian knows spreading a rumor around needs to have a certain weight to it, and decides to angle himself higher up in the family

Memories I

it looks like the Memories chapters are going to a new character, Haplif, rather than to Ar’alani

we are introduced to Jixtus - a veiled being with an exotic voice, described as a “strange mixture of rasping and melodic wrapped up inside an obscure accent”

Jixtus (and honestly my immediate instinct was that it’s Palpatine because of the cloak and hood, but (1) Palpatine would not have the time, (2) Palpatine was not aware of the Chiss until Thrawn showed up, and (3) Palpatine does not wear “gloves covering his hands” nor does he wear a “black veil covering his face”

Jixtus gives me slight Jedi vibes with this line: “But beware of overconfidence. Eyes held high in pride are less able to see uneven ground ahead”

Haplif’s talent lies in “reading and analyzing cultures” which is apparently “unmatched” (just you wait, buddy), “but individuals could still surprise him, especially those he hasn’t had good opportunities to read”

so basically an evil Thrawn

Haplif (and Jixtus, I assume) managed to engineer a civil war on a planet within months

topical!

Haplif: “MIlitary minds and reactions are of no consequences. I deal in the political realm, and I doubt the Chiss leaders have any less ambition and lust for power than anyone else in the Chaos”

oh no... will he and Thurfian team up?

Haplif is going to make contact with the Chiss and stir up some serious, potentially fatal, danger

Chapter Two

I feel like Thalias and Che’ri have their own little crushes on Thrawn

Che’ri is past her 10th birthday (and people around her forgot and she’s sad...)

Thalias promises to make it up to her, somehow

also they have a little discussion about Che’ri learning to fly the ship - is this a bit of foreshadowing? Hmm...

shoot, will Che’ri start to lose her skywalker powers as she gets older?

Thalias is revealed to have claustrophobia

how did she handle being in that giant box with Thrawn in the last book?

Thrawn has given himself the quest of trying to return that certain ring from the previous book (the one described as a “nest of small stylized snakes with two larger ones curving up from among them”)

Samakro seems quite uptight with rules and regulations

gets a bit pissy that Thalias is on equal status with the military in a meeting with the Rapacc, in a discussion about refugees (called the Magys) and the Nikardun

“So now a mere caregiver - and an only recently confirmed one, at that - was to have equal voice with Expansionary Defense Fleet officers? Samakro could see no reason for it. And things with no clear purpose always made him nervous”

Samakro also has a great line about children: “...you’ve been dealing with a ten-year-old girl for the past few months. Children that age are as alien as anything you’ll find in the Chaos”

So, to summarize a bit of exposition, the head of the Magys has convinced herself that the home planet is totally destroyed and she has utterly failed - therefore suicide is the only option left (i.e. mass suicide)

Thalias was asked to basically convince the head of the Magys (also called the Magys, a bit confusing but so be it) to NOT kill herself

The Magys are matriarchal - and the head lady honcho won’t talk to any man

Chapter Three

During the “conversation” (which feels like a massive hostage negotiation Thalias has to take on by herself), Thalias brings up that the Chiss managed to survive and endure what is essentially a never-ending Ice Age

and if they can handle that, why can’t the Magys handle their darn selves?!?

“The Beyond” = “Third Sight” = “The Force”

“That there is no reason to go back,” the Magys said. “No hope that others of the people still live. So we will therefore die and rest in the Beyond, and through the Beyond bring healing to the world.” “How can you bring back healing when the people are gone?” Another double tongue flick. “Do you not even listen to your own words?” the Magys said scornfully. “You said it yourself: The world is not the people. Our world has been torn and scarred, but perhaps it can be healed. We will join the Beyond and make the attempt.” Thalias frowned, trying to make sense of it all. So the Magys believed that by dying she and the rest of her group could join with some greater cosmic system and through it work to heal the damage caused by their civil war? “But what’s the point of healing the world if there’s no one left to live there?” she asked. “There are others in the universe,” the Magys said. “Many others. Some of them may one day come to live on the world we leave to them. Why should we not strive to properly prepare it?” “Because those others may or may not come,” Thalias said. “You and your people, on the other hand, are already here. Shouldn’t you be trying instead to return and build your world and culture for yourselves? We did. Why not you?” “No,” the Magys said. “We are not you. It cannot be done.” She lowered her eyes again. “All that can be done is death, and the Beyond.”

Thalias decides to prove her wrong and suggests going back to the home world to see what is left.

This is the planet Jixtus and Haplif were talking over in Memories I - I believe, the one engulfed in civil war

Thrawn acknowledges The Force

“A concept from Lesser Space” - keeping in mind this Lesser Space is much, MUCH larger and dare I say more advanced than Chiss Space, but go on - “that General Anakin Skywalker told me about when we were working together,” Thrawn said. “He defined it as an energy field created by all living things from which he and others could draw power and guidance...”

“The concept seemed somewhat vague. But if living things create the Force, perhaps it can work in reverse, with the Force creating or nurturing living things”

The first “Perhaps” - page 46

Side trip time!

Samakro likes order and structure and CANNOT stand it when it is interrupted

does not care for Thrawn personally but he is not insubordinate

does not like Thalias at all (suspicious of her from the get go)

and this side-trip has him kind of bent out of shape, and he is worried that “the Springhawk could be delayed or, worse, summarily ordered to report back to Csilla” - and that would mean the mission going tits/belly/toes up

Samakro seems to borderline loathe Thurfian (and by extension the Aristocra) and notices that Thurfian has something going on with Thalias

Samakro is all military and cannot stand politics

But, he seems to have a good grasp on the relationships going on between people

Notes on the audiobook

Samakro still sounds like Jack Nicholson and it tickles me

Lakinda sounds like the voice Thompson uses for Eli Vanto

there seems to be a new soundtrack underscoring the narration, which is interesting

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arianne-daniels · 4 years

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Some Dear Evan Hansen Thoughts

Hi guys. So I figured I might as well talk about this show and the movie, since the movie is such a hot topic right now. This is definitely going to have some constructive criticism about the show, but my goal isn’t to just bash the show or anything. They’re just my thoughts. This is going to be kind of a long post. Honestly, I just wanted to enumerate my thoughts somewhere.

TL;DR: The musical is mildly problematic and the movie is going to drudge up some interesting issues.

So I completely missed the first craze of the show because it came out in the 2017 season, and the only show I cared about at the time was Anastasia. After I watched the Tony’s that year, I looked up Dear Evan Hansen, and found the plot synopsis to be pretty uninteresting and never bothered trying to watch it. At some point, I watched the performance of You Will Be Found on the Thanksgiving Day Parade, and thought the song was the finale of the show.

I finally got around to watching it because I found a bootleg of Jordan FIsher as Evan, and I love Jordan Fisher. So I watched it. For one thing, it took three sittings for me to watch because I kept turning it off when I felt like it was awkward.

I definitely see why it got as popular as it did, especially amongst the demographic it did (which seems to be mostly teens and twenty-somethings). All of the teen characters kind of...lack personality, and therefore it’s really easy to project yourself on to them. The music is catchy—Pasek and Paul have written a lot of super catchy, borderline pop music (see La La Land and The Greatest Showman)—which makes it easy to listen to the cast album. Dear Evan Hansen also seems to have a pretty big social media presence, which makes it seem more accessible than a lot of shows.

But the biggest issue I have with the show is that all of the characters are shitty people. At one point in the show, Jared tells even that Connor dying was the best thing that could’ve happened to Evan, and really that’s...so true?? But the way the show frames it is that Jared saying that is so off the mark. Evan lies constantly and compulsively, tells his mom that she’s not good enough despite the fact she really seems to be trying her hardest, and basically joins this grieving family by manipulating them. It’s kind of fucked up.

And, like I said, the teenaged characters are all kind of blank slates. Even Evan, the main character, doesn’t seem to have many traits besides having anxiety and depression, liking trees (and nature, I guess, by extension), and having a crush on Zoe Murphy. That’s...not a lot to go off of? Like I’m sorry, but if any character should be fleshed out, it should be the main character. What do we really know about Evan, from the show?

Then there are Alana and Jared, who are both basically stereotypes. Alana is the overly ambitious, involved in everything type that shows up in all media about high school. Jared is an asshole nerd. They’re both wildly insecure, but in a very shallow way. They also just completely disappear after Good For You and get absolutely no resolve in the show, which is kind of ridiculous. Like, they’ve been in a lot of the show. I get that the show is about Evan, but he fucked them both over and they should have shown up at least one more time.

Most of what we hear about Zoe Murphy is from I Should Tell Her (which is SO creepy, by the way), but they’re basically just about how she’s a teenage girl. We know she play guitar in jazz band and was abused by her brother. I guess you get a decent look into her mind in Requiem and Only Us, and really I would argue that you know the most about her of all the teen characters.

Connor has the least characterization, which makes sense because he dies like fifteen minutes into the show. His entire character breaks down to “problematic asshole stoner”. And then he shows up as a hallucination of Evan’s for a couple of scenes. Connor is basically just a plot device.

Cynthia and Larry don’t fare all that much better than the teenagers, because Cynthia is basically just a Rich, White Housewife, and Larry is an emotionally distant father. I mean, it works, I guess. And it’s immediately easy to see why they buy into Evan’s stories so quickly, so they’re used effectively, at least.

Heidi Hansen is the character I would say is the most fleshed out, and the only one I found myself empathizing with, even a little bit. Lady is clearly just trying her hardest. Evan kind of treats her like shit, and he says some pretty fucked up stuff to her.

The DEH fandom seems to have projected specific character traits on to a lot of the characters. Which, like, is fair. it happens in all fandoms, fanon ideas becoming so well-known people often begin treating them as canon. I’ve seen it so much in Harry Potter and Percy Jackson I don’t really think it’s weird anymore. But with DEH, like I said, the characters are all pretty blank.

I think it’s going to make the movie really...interesting. I’m very curious to see if any of these fanon things are going to make their way into the movie, given I don’t think the creators live in a bubble. They’re writing new songs (at least the one), which normally I would be skeptical of but there’s a very minimal amount of music in the show.

I also think that this movie actually mainstream is going to cause a lot of internet screaming, in the vein of what happened when 13 Reasons Why was at the height of its popularity. 13RW had a lot of debate about the portrayal of suicide. There’s been some minor discussion about how the aftermath of Connor’s suicide mildly glorifies suicide, but it doesn’t haunt Dear Evan Hansen in the same way it follows 13RW. I really think that the movie is going to spark that same discussion once again, but on a bigger scale.

I want to end this out by saying it’s a mistake to cast adults as teenagers (which I know is not a hot take), especially with this story. After I watched the Jordan Fisher bootleg, I went and skimmed through one of the OBC (because I do always like to see the original cast) and a boot of Andrew Barth Feldman (because I’m a fan of Mallory Bechtel, I realize that’s a weird reason), and the show really, really benefits from having an actual teenager as Evan Hansen. Watching a genuine teenager fuck with people’s lives by being a moron is a lot easier to stomach than watching Ben Platt do it, because Ben Platt looks like he’s thirty, and it feels so much more deliberate when it’s someone that old. Teenagers make mistakes, and while I know the story is telling us that Evan is 17, looking at a grown ass man completely breaks that illusion.

If you stayed this long, thanks for listening to my incoherent ramblings.

#broadway #deh #dear evan hansen #deh movie #arianne rambles #shouting into the void

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thecloserkin · 4 years

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book review: Carolyn Slaughter, Relations (1976)

Genre: Gothic psychological suspense

Is it the main pairing: yes

Is it canon: yes

Is it explicit: yes

Is it endgame: no

Is it shippable: yes

Bottom line: I read this concurrently with Wuthering Heights and allow me to play sommelier—10/10 recommend this wine pairing for maximum gothic extraness. tw: suicide

There’s boatloads of sex but this is not a horny story. It’s a lyrical story—in the sense of expressing direct, spontaneous feeling. Not that a story couldn’t be both (Wuthering Heights is both horny and lyrical) but I actually want to spend a minute defending this book to my past self. The first time I read it, I was unimpressed because Relations wasn’t much of a Love Story. You know the kind I’m talking about, you know the beats you’d expect it to hit: here is a pair of siblings tOrMeNtEd by their iLLiCiT pAsSiOn!!! I mean, the mode isn’t always tragic or dark but even the cream-puff versions of this arc entail some sort of line being crossed or feelings being caught. We are used to characters who begin in initial-state, a journey brings them to end-state and a clear delta separates the two conditions. This book says: fuck that. Fuck change. Fuck growth. My best days are behind me and I’m ok with that because now my brother is lost to me and I give zero fucks about anything else. We have a novel steeped in the symbolism of winter (the season of loss & deadness that is impermeable to change). Our pregnant heroine dreads her impending due date, in part because the child is not her beloved brother’s; but mostly because having a baby is just about the biggest change a body can be subjected to, and she’s actively averse to change. All she wants is her brother back. If you’re looking for characters to fall in love, as in transition from feeling one way to feeling another way, this is most likely not the book for you. But I enjoyed it a whole helluva lot and let me tell you why.

The predominant note of this story is MELANCHOLY. It’s backwards-looking rather than forward-looking, things just keep getting worse and worse for our protagonist and yet she’s unapologetic about what she did: she loved her brother, loves him still and always will. What I admire is that she is steadfast in the face of remorseless despair. Compare these quotes, this one from near the beginning: “I feel listless, often close to tears. I am beset by fiendish pangs.” This is from near the end: “I am hollow, clanging with emptiness; there is no solution.” Do you see what I mean by no delta between initial-state and end-state? I think there is an important distinction between this book and Forbidden, which holds out the promise of a happy ending only to snatch it away at the last minute, in that Relations puts its cards on the table & promises no such thing. It’s melancholy all the way down (well, three-quarters of the way down it transpires this book is in fact a high-concept Folgercest prequel I SHIT YOU NOT friends read it yourself).

In the novel’s present, our girl Catherine is entombed in a emotionally sterile marriage; in the past she grows up warmed by the sun of her brother Christopher’s regard & affection. Slaughter chooses to locate these strands at two crucial points in Cathy’s development—age ten (prepubescent) and age thirty (the age at which women’s “biological clocks” start ticking—this is relevant because Slaughter is writing in the 1970s even if Cathy is living in the late Victorian Era). We should note here that Christopher is older than Catherine by two years, aka the universally acknowledged INCEST SWEET SPOT (I know some of you favor twincest but you are WRONG and I will prove it in my forthcoming monograph on the topic). At age ten, Cathy and Christopher have intercourse for the first time after stumbling on their father’s secret porn stash. The sex is more mechanical than enjoyable, and that’s the point: they start banging out of curiosity, keep banging out of habit, and only later do hormones and feelings kick in. Ten- and twelve-year-olds just don’t get horny the way older kids do, and that is, again, the entire point. Slaughter structures it so the sex happens first (in the very first flashback chapter). The feelings don’t follow, the feelings don’t emerge, the feelings were there all along. What the sex does is seal a secret between the two of them, the secret of their father’s porn stash (hidden in an abandoned wing of the house).

If we turn back to the present, we find Catherine yoked to a man who excites zero feelings in her. By her own admission she married him because “I found him pleasant to listen to and he never made any demands upon me.”These are the qualities that recommend a husband to her—that he impose no psychic demands whatsoever! All her energies are already absorbed in reminiscence lol. We find out he proposed to her with a speech worthy of Pride & Prejudice’s Mr. Collins, and that he possesses not a particle of passion. Which is exactly how Cathy wanted it:

I entered the marriage in a state of apathy; simply undergoing it because of Mamma’s pressure, and because there seemed no other real alternative apart from marriage open to me.

We were married in the winter of my thirtieth year.

I walked down the aisle in a state of complete inertia, my sense muffled by the laudanum … I wished with all my heart he could have been my brother.

File away that glancing reference to winter; more on that later. For now please focus on how numb she is—not discontent, just apathetic. Cathy insists the present brings her nothing but pain and insists she doesn’t regret the choices that brought her here. She’s unrepentant about loving Chris, and explicitly rejects the conventional moral framing that would view her past self as “sinning” and her present self as “redeemed”:

I could not rid myself of the old and over-riding passion of my childhood. I decided eventually that no one would ever, could ever, be what my brother had been to me.

If I could have felt then, and now, that there was some evil in what we did, then I could have borne it. But I could find no evil in it.

I would not be so oppressed if I could but feel my past was wicked and scandalous. If I believed that, i could gladly submit to the institution or the grave. But some buoyant spirit within me keeps insisting that what I had was fine, and contained elements of true beauty.

“The institution or the grave,” she says. Those are the choices. If you want to have Thoughts and Feelings and not just a Body, then your lot as a woman is to end up either in a sanitarium or dead in childbed. Only when she looks back at her childhood does Cathy perceive a time when it was different, when Christopher, at least, saw her as a whole-ass person. Yes, this is another entry in dr. thecloserkin’s ongoing “Incest vs. the Patriarchy” series; if you guys thought I was going to stay off my bullshit for more than ten minutes then joke’s on you hahaha. Here are some quotes that show she was getting her emotional needs met as a child (she’s borderline suicidal as an adult):

leaves me with only the memory of such complete intimacy. It is beyond my reach now, and perhaps I shall never agin recapture it though I live to be ninety.

there was no discord in our interests and desires.

We talked all the time. We never ran out of conversation; I never grew tired of his speech.

It never occurred to me…that we would not always be together. There seemed no need for anyone else—he filled out my present and my past.

Ok so if everything was so idyllic back then what the heck happened? How did it all fall apart? Slaughter withholds the crucial revelatory scene until close to the end, but the story up till then is permeated by a very Gothic sense of creeping dread. The elephant on the horizon is change. Cathy and Chris are on the precipice of puberty, which portends seismic changes in their bodies, and the accompanying changes in their roles as they inch toward adulthood. Cathy doesn’t handle it well:

the old fear. A fear of things changing; of his face looking at me in an unfamiliar way; of our world altering and growing cold about me.

There seemed no question why it should not always continue in this way, and no reason why our bodies or our minds should change or suddenly not fit.

Our life became a little cloister: and I never wanted to leave it. The idea of change haunted me.

I was insisting, always, like a child, the nothing must change; nothing must happen to destroy our life together.

And here is where I connect her fear of change with her favorite season, winter:

I was afraid of change. It seemed menacing. I realized the sadness and bleakness of the winter really suited my nature best. It made me feel more real; sadness now seemed more real than happiness; more permanent, and therefore easier to bear.

the seasons change and find me the same. Nothing touches me, nothing makes me laugh or weep. I have no real substance.

OMG SHE’S A FUCKING REVENANT

”You are so thin. Your limbs are slim as these winter branches.”

I have touched my roots, my beginnings, the things that have formed me.

This book is an anti-change pro-winter manifesto. Winter is the season of desolation, where nothing grows, and if there is one change she adjures above all others it’s the life presently taking root within her womb:

If I am a seed about to burst, if I am to flower, the old seed, my Self, must die. Some new thing will grow out of me; but I must perish. I cannot have it; I cannot allow it to happen. I must protect myself from this that would devour me.

My body continued to change according to its own will, nothing could shift the determined embryo within me … I cannot bear the thought of this thing growing within me, living off my blood … I feel nothing but doom, and a great fear if this shall finally come to pass.

The progress of her pregnancy is literally making her mentally ill. I want to link this horror imagery to child!Cathy’s musings on the decomposition of her father’s corpse:

I wondered if all the flesh had fallen off by this time. I imagined his bones growing into the wood of the coffin, and the trees growing into his skull, the roots twisting around his rotting limbs.

People who read this passage and think “this is a really tight horror aesthetic but what is it doing in the middle of my luscious love story” are missing the point. This is a horror story. But instead of framing the incest as the impure act that violates and threatens our accepted categories, we are invited to view the pregnancy as a gross & unnatural hijacking of Cathy’s body. Her body’s fecundity defeats and puzzles her. She actually tells us about her nightmare wedding before she tells us about her real wedding; in her nightmare she looks at her bridegroom and:

transfixed with horror because he is without the male member — all that resides in the space between his thighs is a burnt-out stub—like the hacked branch of a tree deadened and blacked by many winters.

So far we’ve had body horror associated with (1) her father (2) her husband (3) her unborn baby. Notice who’s not on this list? Notice who she always thinks of with tenderness? Notice who doesn’t ever evoke an iota of fear or horror in Cathy? That’s right! Her brother. The whole incestuous affair is really an own-goal on patriarchy’s part, because the same doctor who warns Cathy’s mother against Cathy’s “wild and unnatural attachment to her brother” goes on to say:

Little girls, Madam, are the scourge of the earth. They have no future, but to grow into that unhealthy state of womanhood, with its unclean festerings and grotesque swellings of the abdomen. I would that little girls could always stay the pure young things they are before the age of eight.

This is some next-level IT WAS EVE’S FAULT SHE ATE THE APPLE spin. Can you blame Cathy for taking this venerable authority figure at his word, and staying “pure” by staying a child, by warding off womanhood and childbearing altogether? goodforher.jpg

Real quick here are some lighthearted episodes from their childhood since it’s not all doom and gloom: Christopher marches next door to confront the Frenchman who is maybe sleeping with their mom and is definitely perving on Cathy. Christopher returns the Frenchman’s gift of silk stockings with a grand declaration of “My sister Catherine has no need for these.” That’s right shut him down Chris!!! Also: Cathy falls into a frozen pond and Christopher rescues her. Their negligent mother blames Christopher. Cathy is shaking with pneumonia and all she wants to do is “make the sad look leave my brother’s sweet face.” Christopher refuses to leave her side until she rallies from the fever. He is thirteen:

I think that Christopher and I half-died together in that terrible week, and afterward, when the terror had passed, we were never quite the children we had been before.

Congrats kids you have undertaken a symbolic journey to the underworld!!!! Good job.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

It wouldn’t be a real incest story without a third sibling, an odd-man-out who helps us triangulate our main pairing’s relationship. Edward is a sociopath and a bully. Parents playing favorites always wreaks havoc with children’s sense of self-worth, but I think in this case it’s 90% down to Edward just being a bad egg (fwiw their father, when he was alive, did favor Christopher). Edward is a peripheral figure for most of their childhood; he appears only to “bang on our door to tell us to be silent for our giggling kept him awake.” That’s right, our door—teenage Catherine and Christopher share not just a room but a bed (!). Edward resurfaces as an adult to beg for Catherine’s intercession with his wife. He married an heiress, and now he seems to have soured on her. He talks about her “malady” and her “hysterical nonsense.” She has “phantom confinements.” They are “phantom” because she is barren. Sir you are literally a Victorian dude named Edward who keeps his mad wife locked up in the attic, you can sit allllll the way down. A heavily pregnant Catherine rolls up to Edward’s house just in time to witness his wife’s suicide: ”I had to make sure there was nothing inside me,” explains the poor woman, lying in a pool of blood after cutting her abdomen open with a knife. This seems fine. This whole society seems fine, right? Catherine reflects: “Ill-health or madness was her only solution, married as she was to a man who so complacently felt himself her superior” and “We are sepulchered alive in this close world, and want more room.” If this applies to her sister-in-law’s tragic fate it applies with equal force to her own situation. Cathy may not be physically barren but her inner life is empty af.

I’m going to talk about the breakup now. The climax of this book is the last time Cathy and Chris have sex. Contrast the arc of many slow-burn stories where the climax is the first time the main pairing has sex. Cathy’s menses doesn’t even arrive until after the incestuous affair is over! And what precipitates the breakup? Well, their mother decides to take the family on a seaside vacation. This is the summer when everything changes (Cathy’s favorite season is winter, and she abhors change). As for what changes, exactly, it’s kind of unclear? Wasn’t like they got caught having beach sex (which they had a ton of). The forces of change are wholly internal. They’re growing up. They’re waking up to the existence of social taboos that will brand their love “unnatural” & worse. As readers we can see that Catherine and Christopher’s attachment is as natural as breathing, and it’s actually the Incest Is Icky crowd that’s drawing harmful artificial boundaries. What happens is there’s a local girl who has obvious designs on Chris. She’s a nonentity but the mere existence of someone outside of Catherine and Christopher, someone who views one of them as an object of sexual desire, sort of punctures the bubble they’ve hitherto been living in. They can’t pretend society doesn’t exist or that what they’re doing isn’t immoral by its lights:

”We have never felt bad before. It just happened and there was no harm in it. I see no harm in it now—I cannot feel suddenly that it is wrong … but even if it is, why does it signify? Nobody knows.” ”Yes, but why does nobody know? It must be because we have deliberately tried to hide it?”

Christopher is the one who unilaterally decides that incest is wrongdirtybad and it has to end. Christopher is the one who seeks out Rando Local Girl and fucks her just to prove how serious he is about ending it with Cathy, which imo was inflicting a pointlessly cruel injury for no reason?? Wtf Chris I thought you were one of the good ones. What I love about Cathy is the steadfastness of her conviction—she accepts Christopher’s decision but she is far from convinced by his reasoning, his deference to social norms. Here’s Cathy’s take: “it seems to me that to live in a way that is contrary to one’s own nature, to live in a way that is false, that is the evil. The discontent grows like a cancer.” Authenticity ought to count for something, no? But these kids and their beautiful love are ultimately outmatched by, and broken by, the weight of social mores:

I could not bear to think of anything changing. I wanted it to stay the same dear way it had always been; ever since I could remember … but the spell was broken; we could not pretend any more. We had to stop being children. “Please. Once more.”

And that’s the breakup scene. It’s devastating. Cathy keeps staring at this one beauty mark on Christopher’s familiar well-loved face and she’s crying and I’m crying too. Recall that they’re still sharing a room/a bed up to this point? “The first night alone was the worst,” says Cathy. Imagine losing the person who is your whole world….overnight. Oof. There’s a time-jump of a few years, and Chris announces he’s off to—I think South Africa? I think this is around the time of the Boer War? I didn’t make any detailed notes and I’ll be damned if I’m going to fish for my copy of the book just to confirm what we already know, that it’s the 1800’s and the sun never set on the British Empire:

”I must get away from here and see something different; begin again…I cannot imagine a day without your face, or your sweet companionship. I do love you. But this must be for the best.”

Christopher goes off to doing colonial-settler stuff, initially. Here’s his first letter home:

I want you to be happy and grow up straight without me.

As opposed to growing up crooked, or growing up gay?? Here are subsequent letters where he seems to have done a complete 180:

thought it would be simpler to be away from you, from the constant temptation. It is not. My nightmares terrify me, they are eating my brain. I don’t know how long this can last.

AND THEN he writes he’ll be coming home for Christmas! I must’ve missed the memo where this story turns into a straight-up Folgers fic but that’s about where we are. It’s literally Folgercest. He goes to Africa explicitly to get away from her. Time and distance cannot suppress their feelings. He comes home to find her still waiting for him:

”Why have you clung to me, or rather the memory of me. For surely the memory is better than this twisted, pathetic creature before you?” “I have found no one better,” I said simply.

Asdfdfkdfjd this reunion scene is heartbreaking bc Christopher and Catherine are barely five minutes in each other’s company before Edward intrudes, claims to have found them in a compromising position, claims to have suspected all along about the incest, almost comes to blows with Christopher, tells him to get out. And Chris does. Cathy doesn’t even get to say goodbye. Edward’s presence is so clearly a case of entrapment—he was expecting Chris to come to her, he was expecting to catch them doing something “inappropriate” even though it sounds like they were only embracing—that there is no doubt in my mind Edward’s intent was to hurt Cathy and Chris, rather than to protect Cathy’s reputation or whatever bullshit he was spouting. We have seen from Edward’s abuse of his wife that he is no kind of moral authority. He does, however, succeed in “making me feel unclean, and dirt was attaching itself to me with every foul word he said.” In this scene Edward is handy synecdoche for patriarchy, which berates Cathy with accusations of sinfulness while actively stifling her every creative impulse and intellectual endeavor. If this book has a villain (and I don’t think it does; it’s not that kind of book) Edward is it. I find that edifying. It’s not Cathy’s husband who’s the primary antagonist standing in the way of her self-actualization—the husband is no more than an empty suit—it’s her other brother. One brother saves her and the other damns her.

After Edward runs Chris off and Chris goes back to Africa there are a few more letters, including this one: “that nothing has changed in my heart. That I love you with the passion of our youth, with the strength of all these long, long years.” Thank you for the affirmation Chris! I needed it even if Cathy didn’t. But the war is ramping up and Chris is headed into a combat zone and the odds of his survival do not look good. Cathy is already preparing to grieve him. She’s also preparing to go into labor any day now. These two threads, her brother’s impending death and her child’s impending birth, merge in the final pages of the book where Cathy is just clearly SO OVER IT:

I have nothing to fight, yet the waiting is most terrible … I have nothing to do but wait. I have nothing to leave.

It is hard to go on. How can I escape this life, this round of boredom and other births? O, that I could be ten and happy!

That’s the end but come on. Raise your hand if you don’t think this girl will 100% yeet herself into the sea and they’ll rule it “postpartum depression”? Anybody? No?

#book review #carolyn slaughter

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writer-and-artist27 · 4 years

Text

How to Write Tomoko (Kinda)

Inspired by this one ask that Lang got a while back. I can’t remember how long ago it was, but @owlsofstarlight commented one time to me how they wrote Tomo based on how I reacted to a lot of things. So, this really is for their reference when writing any Silent Feathers stuff as well as for me to look back on how much Tomo is not just a “Mary Sue,” contrary to what some haters would like to throw at her.

Some important core traits and the like.

Tomoko is selfless. Once she gets to know you as a friend and/or a precious person of her circle, then she’s pulling out all the stops to make sure you’re happy. Even if you are a stranger, if it looks like you’re struggling, she’s offering her hand to bring you to your feet. It’s no question about it — she wants to see you be better, even if it means she gets the short end of the stick, and she’d be happy with the short end of the stick.

The consequences of her selflessness hit only after she does something in the form of exhaustion and at times barely being able to talk depending on the person (example being that one oneshot where she cleaned all of Obito’s apartment [aside from his room because that’s personal space] and made dinner once he came home, therefore rendering her rambly and barely coherent for a bit once she finally sat down). So she can’t pull out all stops, but that doesn’t mean she won’t try unless you stop her.

Tomo is also compassionate. Without fail, if someone asks her for a listening ear, she’s already raising her hand to volunteer to do it, all because being Emotional Support is ingrained into her very soul. She is also the first one to ask, “Are you okay?” whenever there’s something wrong, which is why her parents latched onto her so much because she never truly asks for anything for herself. Which leads into the next thing.

As helpful as she is, Tomo can be cruel to herself. From the machinations of Ty, her past death, previous trauma relating to sexual assault as Vy, and her foreknowledge of the Narutoverse, she easily goes to herself, albeit unconsciously, “if the ninja can go out and train to the death, then I can work to the death without complaints.” Similar thoughts such as “sitting around gets nothing done,” “I can’t say no, I’ll feel bad when they have it worse than me,” “I don’t deserve to sit down when people die everyday outside Konoha’s walls,” and “I can’t rest, someone’s crying right now,” roll around constantly in her head. Hence why she rarely gives herself any breathing room. It takes outside stimuli and/or people nagging her for her to properly do self-care.

Someone could easily take advantage of this if they wanted to because it is just hard for her to say “no” to helping someone. The only reason why it hasn’t gotten her into more trouble is because her family and friends help with support and protection from the real big baddies of the Narutoverse. Not to mention the one thought that crossed over from Vy’s reincarnation: “If I messed up/died here, Josh and Leo would be sad. I have to keep going to let them know I’m okay.”

This also makes it hard for her to go to friends and family for help on her own problems, because in her head, “they’re going through enough shit in their lives, I don’t want to add to it.” She tries to work through it herself and/or bottle it up. This doesn’t always work.

It’s because of this trait that she can’t be the Naruto-figure of her generation, in spite of being so close, because she still needs to learn how to stop for her own sake.

Tomo can also be easily invested in the lives of other people. When she’s dedicated to helping someone, she does whatever she can, putting herself as far out there as she can, even if she doesn’t have much to offer, and that can lead into pitfalls that could sink her mood for weeks or more depending on how much she grows to care.

If someone ever knew the full knowledge of her reincarnation and thus asked her why she decided to help the ninja the way she does, she would reply, “They made a lonely school girl feel loved and cared for again when no one else noticed. The least she could do is return the favor and give them better lives.” So she’s pretty driven for her ninja friends already.

Tomo can be stubborn. Not as much as, say Naruto-levels of recklessness, but when she’s on a task of her own making, she’s driven and focused on it to the point of tunnel vision. Until the thing is done, she’s sticking there, barely moving unless it’s for sleep or food — basically the bare minimum of keeping things up.

Her reflections/self-analysis is borderline self-harm when it comes down to it. By focusing far too much on her flaws and not that of her positives, she forces herself to keep trying to improve/work, even if her body is not up for keeping the reckless standard. I’d like to think it took both Obito and Kei in S&S to convince her not to go all Gai-route in self-defense training, because as much as Gai is productive, his methods would only contribute to Tomo’s fallings in the future with her civilian physique.

It’s because of this constant self-deprecation that Tomoko is oblivious to any love that’s outside her usual familial and platonic realms of territory. She could suspect that someone is into her, but immediately brushes it off with thoughts of, “There’s no way someone would like me, there’s better girls out there.” So anyone trying to win her heart would be having a hard time just trying to flirt if they’re not saying it directly.

Tomo is also indecisive, lacking any initiative to do something unless it’s to help someone. Once she has a break in her hands, she would stare at it and be like, “What am I supposed to do with this?” She’s just so used to working all the time that when she rests, she either sleeps exhaustion away or goes along with other people’s paces. It’s kinda why she helps out in the hospital with Rin and/or does moral support for Team Minato outside of the café because otherwise, she has no clue what to do.

Tomo struggles with talking to people outside of her precious friend circle. From social anxiety and just plain embarrassment at the possibility of messing up and making a bad impression, Tomo isolates herself a lot if she’s not searching out for specific people. If she’s at work, she can pull out scripted words to get along with the day, but that’s not going to stop her internal monologues of “Holy shit, what do I do, this person wants this” — therefore causing the occasional trip in her voice. It’s easy to fake being outgoing, but otherwise, if she could get time to sleep, she’d take it. Even if she blanks at the idea of “free time.”

Tomo is also far too easy to read. From her mannerisms to her piano playing (ninshu, people) to how she reacts to nearly everything honestly, it leaves her open to, at best, lots of teasing and, at worst, emotional manipulation at the hands of others not so kind. It makes it hard for her to even try lying, so when it comes to her foreknowledge, she takes after Kei’s example in not saying much when it’s not needed. That doesn’t make her face any less easy to search for when it comes to key signs of turmoil. It can be cute in her everyday life, but if she were ever a ninja, it would be the first thing to get her killed.

It’s just funny to look back on all this considering in any other setting, Tomoko would be the ideal Shojo protagonist. But, unfortunately, this is the Narutoverse. All of these things leave her solely as Moral Support and nothing more because everyone can tell she wouldn’t be able to handle anything else.

At this point? Anything can happen and at best, she’s done well to survive so far. If she didn’t make friends with the right people, I wouldn’t be surprised if those behind Sakumo’s original Canon suicide did off with her too. But then we wouldn’t have a story. So there’s that.

Tomo has a long way to go in maturing.

#hoshino tomoko #writer thoughts #the sea and stars #civilian pianist #silent feathers #long post #oc things #all these traits apply to any version of Tomo #she's kinda hopeless

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mastrechef · 4 years

Text

I was getting frustrated with my lack of progress on my other writing projects and was apparently in a Naruto mood. I’m still working on it and just posting a small bit here. This was purely for fun and, while vague on the details, does not hold to the canon, because frankly it’s ridiculous and confusing. Just looking at all the uncertainties, discrepancies, and retcons in the timeline gave me a headache, so I opted to ignore a lot of it. Plus the whole premise behind this was to deviate from canon anyway.

Written in achronological snippets. The italicized phrases are song lyrics, so not mine.

Show no mercy, let the world see we're invincible

Show them nothing is beyond our control

Humans were selfish creatures. They took and took until there was nothing left. And they felt entitled to it. To take what they wanted and damn the consequences. Like that vile sense of absolute superiority made it alright for them to treat the world like their personal playground and all other non-human entities as fuel for their ravenous greed. Like humans were the be-all end-all of intelligent life and therefore allowed to dictate the rules. Even among their own kind the pattern was apparent. The strong were in the right and given free reign while the weak were nothing but fodder. They waged war carelessly and scrabbled for every scrap of power they could get their grubby hands on, perpetuating an endless cycle of hatred, pain, and death.

Of course, there were rare exceptions. Exceedingly rare exceptions, to the point of almost complete non-existence. And it just so happened that Uzumaki Naruto was one of them.

Kurama bared his fangs in a ferocious grin promising extreme prejudice to any who stood in his way. The humans had forgotten that there was always a bigger fish in the sea, a more terrifying predator hunting in the shadows. Graciously, Kurama volunteered to teach them a lesson and remind them of their folly. His feet pounded the ground with earth shattering force while his nine tails lashed the air. Anyone who dared to try laying a finger on Naruto would be crushed mercilessly.

...

And all that I regret

I have before, I will again

Kakashi jolted into awareness, though he didn’t outwardly show it, his body relaxed and his breathing slow and measured. Immediately, he was on his guard. Something was wrong. More than a few somethings even. The first thing he registered was the lack of the usual chakra drain from his sharingan. And yet, he could still feel it there, waiting to be activated. How was that possible? He’d never been able to control the activation of his single sharingan. What was going on? What had he been doing and where was he now? He couldn’t remember. His memories were a scrambled mess, another impossibility given the sharingan’s perfect recall.

He mentally shoved the confusion to the side. Right now, determining his current situation was the most important. Sorting his head out would have to come later. Kakashi turned his focus outward to glean any clues. He tensed minutely as he finally took notice of three others in the vicinity, berating himself for his carelessness. He was really off his game. By the sounds of their breathing, two were awake while the third kept watch. His breath caught when he got a whiff of a familiar scent.

Minato-sensei.

...

It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you

Ignite the fire within you

Sunlight filtered through the thick canopy of leaves, flickering with the wind and dappling the ground in little starbursts of light. It was this that woke Naruto. He groaned as all the aches in his body made themselves known. It felt like he’d been trampled by a herd of bijū and had the collective memories of hundreds of clones slam into his brain simultaneously. Trying to sit up was apparently a bad idea, only causing the pain to flare up stronger. He allowed himself to flop gingerly back to the ground.

“It’s fine, I didn’t want to get up anyway,'' he grumbled to himself. He was absolutely beat and would be quite content to sleep for the next fourteen hours straight. Racking his brain for a reason as to why he was in such a state, he came up blank. Whatever it was, it must have packed a wallop to put him of all people on his ass like this. Speaking of which, his friend was being suspiciously quiet. Normally, he’d be chewing Naruto out for his recklessness right about now. Or making fun of him, depending on the situation.

As though summoned by his thoughts, the fox’s voice rumbled through his head. “Go to sleep, brat. You’re still recovering.”

“Kurama?” Naruto pried weary eyes open to look for his friend. Something about the bijū’s voice was off. He wanted to find out what, but he was just so tired, and his body wouldn’t cooperate with him, and his eyelids felt like they were weighed down with lead.

“Get some rest. I’ll handle things for now.”

Okay. No problem. Naruto trusted Kurama unconditionally, so he would listen. Maybe once he’d slept this off, then Kurama would fill him in. He sighed in contentment as he gave in to sweet oblivion.

...

I'll take you away from your nightmare!

If only you would come with me!

I want to show you a better way, so you and I will finally be free!

The Fourth Shinobi War ended, and yet true peace was still a distant dream. The calamitous destruction brought about by the Jūbi only reinforced the fear of the bijū and their jinchūriki. Fear and desperation made people stupid or dangerous. Oftentimes both.

Kakashi raced towards the rampaging Kyūbi, worry gnawing at him. This couldn’t have gone more wrong. Everything was falling apart. They had already lost so many good shinobi, good comrades, and now if Kurama’s reaction was anything to go by, Naruto was in critical condition. The Rokudaime Hokage pushed himself to go faster.

The sunshine boy filled with false bravado had grown and matured, but he looked so tiny crumpled on the ground, blood spilling out around him. Kakashi used his chakra to hastily trace out a seal, one firmly ingrained in his memory even without the sharingan. Sealing was truly an invaluable skill and he was grateful for all the time he and Naruto had spent together working on it, because right now it was his best hope for getting Naruto out of here alive.

All that mattered was getting him away. Someplace safe.

Light blazed as the seal took shape. Catching wind of what he was up to, Kurama threw his chakra into the mix to speed them on their way. The three were whisked away in a clap of thunder.

Destiny unfurled in a new direction.

...

I never wanted this

I never asked for it

But this is what you gave me

Dread pooled in his stomach. His thoughts were already beginning to spiral and took all his concentration to pay attention to Kurama’s explanation.

“Naruto was not meant to exist in this time. The only way to prevent him from disappearing entirely was to merge with him. He had no body to inhabit, so I created this form from chakra alone.”

“So is he…” Kakashi could hardly complete the thought. The idea that Naruto might be permanently damaged from their little jaunt through time was beyond terrifying. Naruto was a precious light that washed away the darkness of Kakashi’s younger years. Not only that, but he was Kakashi’s last anchor to sanity, to life. Without him...

“He is safe. He simply needs time to adjust. Our consciousnesses remain separate, so while he sleeps I am in control.”

As much of a relief as it was to know that Naruto would be alright, his former sensei couldn’t help but blame himself. It was his seal that got them into this mess.

Kurama whacked him, surprisingly gently, in the back of the head, scowling. “Seeing as Naruto isn’t awake to knock some sense into you, I shall do so in his place. This is not your fault. If anything, it was my chakra that threw everything off.”

Well. Kakashi must look truly pathetic for the perpetually cantankerous fox to jump in to comfort him. He couldn’t help it though. As many regrets as he had, and as tempting as it was to have a chance to fix them handed to him on a silver platter, nothing was worth Naruto’s life. He would make use of this opportunity only so long as Naruto’s wellbeing wasn’t at stake.

...

Death would be an ample compensation

Even if it's my demise

But heaven doesn't want me

Blood splattered in a hot spray of red death, the sound of a thousand chirping birds fading back into grim silence. Nothing else stirred in the dead of the night. Anbu Hound pulled back his hand, covered in the already cooling lifeblood of his target. Another layer of blood that he would never be able to wash off. Another stain on his soul.

He left the lifeless corpse behind to regroup with his team, who had been taking care of the guards while he carried out the assassination. He wasn’t overly worried about them, but it wouldn’t do to get sloppy. One slip-up could be fatal. Kakashi would prevent that no matter what. The only thing he lived for now was to ensure the return of all of his comrades, even at the expense of himself. His borderline suicidal tendencies drove his team nuts, particularly Genma, mother hen that he was. But Kakashi was good at it. There was a reason that his team took the most dangerous missions. There was a reason he had the respect of every single member of the Anbu black ops. All the same, he kept everyone at arm's length. While he hadn’t managed to get himself killed yet, all bets were off for everyone else. One way or another, anyone he let close wound up dead.

Kakashi wouldn’t be able to handle it if it happened again. For all his strength as a shinobi, he felt as fragile as glass, teetering on the brink of falling and shattering into a million broken pieces.

#naruto #ficlet #naruto uzumaki #kakashi hatake #kurama #time travel #this started as random rambling and somehow evolved into a naruto fanfic?#don't ask me to explain how my brain works

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azureflight · 5 years

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Turalyon and Alleria, again.

@k241969 and @Valessari

That entire post about Turalyon was completely and objectively wrong. Where do some people get your lore from? Hate posts? No I am asking seriously, you cannot read the actual source material and came up with this false of a reading. It has to be that they got this from a lying third party with an axe to grind against the character. Because it is literally the exact opposite of the canon.

First things first: Turalyon did not end his relationship with Alleria at any point. Alleria did. That entire paragraph about how Turalyon ditched because she was difficult or something is a complete lie. Alleria leaves Turalyon. Because she feels unworthy of love, or life at that point, because she fears he will die if he associates with her (because trauma causes irrational fears). Turalyon constantly tries to connect with her, constantly tries to reestablish their bond or at least understand her. It eventually comes to breaking point where Alleria’s suicidal tendencies are out in the open and Turalyon straight up says to her he won’t let her suicide by orc and that confrontation is what restores their relationship. It is “Alleria ditches Turalyon because she doesn’t feel like she deserves love and wants to die and Turalyon spends an entire novel trying convince her that she does deserve to live and absolutely deserves to be loved.” Not the opposite.

Second, no, Turalyon did not kidnap Alleria. Where did that came from? Alleria chooses the Void in front of his eyes, to save his life. He is unable to convince her to renounce the void or to stay, Alleria just saves him and then ditches him, again. Centuries pass, Turalyon mourns her, but also still hopes she is alive somewhere. Then, a demon assassin disguised as Lothraxion, comes and tells Turalyon he may have found Alleria, and that’s how they lure Turalyon into a trap, by telling him they might have found her. Of course it is a trap and Alleria unexpectedly does arrive at the last moment, saves Turalyon’s life and finishes the assassin for good. Turalyon begs her to leave, because he fears what xe’ra might do her if she gets captured. Alleria refuses to leave, says she say her destiny was there, fighting with them against the Legion. Rest of the Lighforged arrive, Turalyon begs for Alleria’s life, stands right next to her, fully prepared to die with her, and Xe’ra reads Turalyon’s mind (because he open it the naaru so that she can see he is damn serious and honest) and decides against killing her and instead says she will be imprisoned. Alleria accepts, to Turalyon’s surprise who was hoping she would be let go free.

At no point, does Turalyon ever tried to “convert” her, or kidnap her, or arrest her or anything of the sort. The entire story is about how no matter what Alleria does and no matter what she choose, even if it is completely at odds with Turalyon’s entire worldview and deep religious beliefs, he still trusts her and loves her and is ready to throw his lot with her.

In both cases, it is Alleria who ends the relationship or put a distance between them. Because she has a warped view of protection, believes herself to be dangerous/cursed and that pushing those she loves away will keep them safe. And it is Turalyon who keeps believing in her, who doesn’t judge, who sticks by her and who keeps loving her no matter what.

And these are not secret information, they are right there, Beyond the Dark Portal and A Thousand Years of War are both out there and you can read them/listen to them and see for yourself how all of these actually went down. It blows my mind someone wouldn’t read/listen to the actual stories and instead believes the exact opposite of canon told to them by god knows who.

Funnily enough, the part about Jaina and Kalecgos is completely right. So @valessari have either read their story, or the person who was the source of this garbage of misinformation did and then decided it must have been literally the same for Alleria and Turalyon as well, which is rage inducingly stupid.

I cannot stress hard enough how Turalyon never did any of those things he is being accused of in that post. It is borderline libel and slander at this point, and against a fictional character. How or why would anyone do that, I don’t know. What’s the purpose and the goal, I don’t know. But it is complete and utter bullshit and it is kind of depressing how you just bought it all instead of checking for yourself to see if that’s the case @k241969 Because it was frustratingly hilarious to read that piece and then read you say “I see. Thanks for clarifying.”

And adding in #metoo in there as a reason for hating Turalyon and “praising” Blizzard for a improvement that doesn’t exist after calling them sexist for something that also doesn’t exist... Like, what’s going on there?

I understand not liking a character. I understand hating them and wanting something else for another character. These are perfectly valid things. But straight up lying about the story and the character? That I do not understand, at all.

#Turalyon #alleria windrunner #beyond the dark portal #a thousand years of war

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