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astoryisaloveaffair · 3 years

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Fix You - Chapter 10: Here Comes My Girl

Gif by @azertyrobaz

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales x Fem!Reader

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Read on A03

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Chapter Summary: Wildflower comes face to face with the reality of severe trauma, and confesses what else is on her mind

Word Count: 9K

Rating: E, 18+

Chapter Warnings: Legal age gap (10+ years), cussing, consumption of alcohol, smut, P in V, blood and gore, gun violence, mentions of suicide, PTSD, mentions of death

A/N: The spark has been reignited!! Hallelu!! That being said, this chapter is tough, but it ends so so sweet. Please heed the warnings. This story has always been heading in the direction of dealing with serious topics and PTSD. I’m not going to shy away from it or the things the U.S. military has done in other countries. If you need to skip this one, I completely understand. If it offends you, okay, but I’m not changing my mind. I hope I did all this justice! No beta, we live and die like Oberyn Martell.

Suggested Songs: “I Found a Reason” by Cat Power, “Everlong” by Foo Fighters, “Here Comes My Girl” by Tom Petty, “Better” by SYML, “Falling in Love” by Cigarettes After Sex, “Zombie (Acoustic)” by The Cranberries

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Fuck it’s hot. Extremely hot. So hot that you have to bounce on tiptoes as you make your way across the sand. Hot enough that when you want to swim you pretty much have to book it to the shoreline to soothe your feet. Dry, oppressive heat, though still much preferred over the humid stickiness that usually blankets this state. It’s Florida, what can you expect?

July Third finds you sprawled out on the beach, soaking in the aggressive rays of the sun after your last dip in the cold ocean. Frankie is passed out face down on his towel next to you, Will and Dali sunbathing on your other side. Santiago’s sitting in the sand in front of you, helping you quietly with your Spanish workbook as he plays with the sand, covering and uncovering his legs.

“God dammit, I keep mixing up vosotros and nosotros.” You throw your pen into the sand and heave a sigh.

“Don’t get frustrated. You’ll get it, you just have to keep speaking it.”

“I’m already calling you enough.” You chuckle.

“I’ll never say no to a phone call from you Gorgeous, you know that.”

Over your shoulder you hear an exaggerated sigh, drawing your attention away from Santiago and your work. Benny is scrolling through his phone absently, his leg bouncing with unused energy, a small frown flickering across his lips. He’s been off lately, you’ve noticed. More restless, a tad grumpy. Barely noticeable, but you see it just the same. He looks up from his phone and grunts.

“Will.”

“Mmmph.”

“Wanna play frisbee?”

“Not really.”

“Well lets do somethin’.”

“Ben, I’m chillin’ right now. Leave me alone.”

Benny huffs, and looks away. You glance up from your work to watch the exchange, normal for two brothers, but there’s something more lurking behind the words this time. A shadow of anger, then something else flitting across Benny’s features. He picks his phone back up and resumes fiddling with it.

“Hey Pope.” He looks up at you from where you’re huddling together. “Would you want to walk with me, with Benny?”

If you thought anyone had the ability to read minds, it would be Santiago. Perhaps it’s with everyone, maybe just the bond that has grown between you in the past few months, he always seems to understand what you’re implying without having to outright say it. He smirks and pats you on the leg. “That’s a great idea.”

You turn to Benny. “Hey, wanna walk down on the beach with me? I want to stretch my legs a bit.”

Benny’s face perks up, a step closer to the usual bursting enthusiasm you love so much. “Yea, alright.”

You get up and brush errant sand off your thighs, turning to look down at Santiago slyly. “Pope, wanna come?” He plays along and agrees, and you ask Dali to tell Frankie where you’ve gone if he wakes up. He’s too dead to the world to be bothered. Santiago pops open the cooler to grab some beers for the three of you to enjoy while you walk and you head off quickly down the beach, angling closer and closer to the water until your feet are relieved by the cool lapping waves. You joke and chatter of nothing of substance, occasionally chasing down a shell in the shoreline or checking out a pretty girl. Benny is still quiet, for him anyways, shuffling along kicking sand and shells alike with a sour expression, not contributing too much to the conversation.

It’s pissing Santiago off. “Alright, Benny. What is your problem? You’re being a downer.”

Benny sneers. “Nobody wants to fuckin’ do anything anymore.”

“What? What the fuck are you talking about?” Santiago halts, the sand digging slightly in his feet as he rounds on Benny and forces him to a stop. You hover next to them.

“I dunno, it’s just annoyin’ that everyone is paired up and doesn't want to do anything except be with their girlfriends now.”

Santiago shifts, glancing briefly at you. “Well, I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Part of you feels a little annoyed at Benny for the insinuation. You’re dating Frankie, obviously he and you are included in Benny’s complaint. You feel your hackles start to rise, but then a sudden thought pricks in the corner of your mind. Something you remember Frankie saying to you before.

No, I’m glad you’re getting close with Benny, baby. It’s good for him to have someone to hang out with, especially since Will has a girlfriend now.

You place your hand on his arm. “Benny, is it possible you’re lonely?”

He scoffs and mutters softly. “I’m not lonely.”

You look at Santiago, testing the waters if he is on board with you pressing forward. He doesn’t give you any indication you should shut up. God dammit. You hate this. Benny is usually your little ray of sunshine, you’ve never heard him sound so dejected before. “…Well, if you ever are, you should call me.”

“You got Fish.”

“No, Benny, really. Call me. You’re my friend too. I like spending time with you. It’s not out of pity. It’s not a favor.”

Benny rolls his eyes and turns to look at the waves, his lips twitching around as he processes what you’re saying. There’s no insult there, nothing to bristle against, nothing to challenge. He turns back to you with a half-smile, chucking you under the chin like he always does. “Yea, alright. Thanks.”

“I'm here too, you asshole.” Santiago chimes in, making the two of you laugh.

You decide to turn back and return to the cabana. You’d walked about half a mile and your calves were burning from keeping yourself steady in the unstable sand. Benny takes your hand in his as you walk, a soft squeeze telling you what he couldn’t say. It takes some time, but by the time you get back to the rest of the group, he’s almost back to himself again.

“Hey baby.” Frankie greets you as you sit down next to him, giving you a hello kiss. You greet him back and get settled on your blanket. “Are you learning Spanish?”

Shit. You’d left out your book when you went for that walk. You meet his eyes, he looks so adorable and soft right now, the dopiest smile on his face. You feel like you could almost melt into the sand and be whisked away by the sea. “Yea, um...dammit. I kinda wanted it to be a surprise. Pope’s been helping me too. I just thought...you know...maybe I should know it.”

Frankie eyes Santiago in his periphery before looking back at you. He’d woken up not long ago to find you gone, noticing your open workbook with your little handwritten word conjugations as he reached for the cooler. Cooler abandoned, he couldn’t help but peruse through your work to see what you were working on. It made his chest burn, clenching sharply as he realized what it was.

He wants to say something, something, he can't believe you’re doing this for him, how touched he is, how much he loves you, how much he hates his fucking brain for always jamming up and being incapable of forming the words he wants to say. Instead, he kisses you. You hum against his lips as he deepens the kiss, gripping your waist in his hands and pulling you into his lap until Dali and the guys start amicably jeering and teasing.

“Oh fuck off.” He growls. You giggle, your mind reminding you of that first night you’d kissed when you could hear them catcalling as Frankie swept you down the hall.

Eventually the sky is peppered with a few large billowy clouds, enough to cool the sand so you can stand on it for more than two seconds. After seeing who could chug a beer the fastest, the guys do decide to pick up a game of frisbee, and you and Dali plead yourselves out of it to watch and have some girl time. Frankie attacks your face with sloppy kisses before they head a little ways away for some space. After a few minutes of arguing, they split up into two teams, Santiago and Frankie versus Will and Benny.

“You guys are adorable.” Dali teases, eyes sparkling as she turns towards you. “Everything going well?”

You beam. “Yea, it honestly is. I’m kind of shocked actually, that we just...fit so well. How about Will?”

Dali hums, a soft smile playing over her full lips. But there’s a twitch at the corner, something off. “Yea, I really like him. But…” You raise your eyebrows and scoot closer. “Do you...does Fish ever get...weird with you? Sometimes? Randomly?”

You furrow your brow, chewing on your lip as you think. “Weird like how?”

“Like...suddenly getting real distant, but then being fine later?”

“Oh. Yea, he does sometimes. It’s probably soldier stuff, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

She nods. “Yea, I figured. It just seems like he’s...keeping me at arms length. Like he’s keeping me from getting closer to him. I just wondered if Catfish was the same. It seems like you two are really close.”

“Will has always been pretty reserved, at least to me. I don’t think it’s you. I hear him tell Frankie how much he likes you all the time. Maybe he just isn’t ready to talk about some things yet.”

Dali takes your hand. “You’re probably right. Thanks.”

“Of course. Just be patient and let him come to you when he’s ready. I know he will. Frankie’s just starting to share with me. Trust me, Will is not unhappy with you.” She squeezes your hand and you squeeze back before she lets go and flips to her back. You reach for the cooler and pull out two more drinks, passing one to her, the conversation soon shifting to lighter topics.

“I want to ask her to move in with me already, but I think it’s too soon, and Gabi doesn’t even know yet.” Frankie says, sailing the frisbee to Benny. It’s like he doesn’t even look at it to catch it and it hits him in the stomach and bounces off.

“Shit, Fish. Really?”

Frankie grimaces. “Well, I mean, I dunno. She’s always at my house anyways and it’d be easier and she could save on rent, it’s not a big de-”

“Do you love her?” Santiago asks, catching Benny’s throw with ease.

Frankie can feel his cheeks burning. But he knows his friends support him. “Yea...fuck, yea I do. But I don’t want to scare her off. I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Well you better hurry up and tell her or I’ll tell her I love her.” Benny teases.

“What?!”

Benny shrugs. “She’s fucking awesome. I love her and I’m not afraid to say it. AS A FRIEND!” Benny laughs and holds his hands up as Frankie looks ready to charge him. “You need to work on your temper, Frank.”

Frankie catches the frisbee from Will and all but flings it at Benny. “I told you not to call me that.”

“You have nothing to lose, Fish.” Will adds.

“Yea I do. I have everything to lose. I’d rather just shut my trap than scare her away.”

Santiago shakes his head. “She’s learning Spanish for you, pendejo! She fucking loves you, it’s so obvious! You know she does. We know she does. Cowboy up and say it. And don’t fuck this up, she’s a good one. Cause we might pick her over you.”

Frankie huffs and turns to look at you, you're stretching out like a cat in the sun next to Dali, laughing over something or another.

Alright. Shit, alright.

As per usual with a game played by a bunch of idiots, the game descends into chaos. Benny turns on Will to try and sabotage his catch mid air, slapping it away with a cackle to throw the game to Frankie and Santiago. That quickly devolves into a ridiculous wrestling match between the two brothers as they try to pick each other up, tumbling and falling down on each other into the sand.

“These boys, I swear to god.” Dali laughs, looking at Will with a soft smile. Will is bigger and uses it to his advantage, lifting Benny up by the thighs and barreling his shoulder into Benny’s waist only to entirely lose balance and tumble in a pile into the sand, Santiago and Frankie looking on with taunts and bets. Benny’s up first, using his hands and arms to scramble away and zip by you, Will close on his heels.

“You son of a bitch. Stop running!” He laughs, pushing himself forward as Benny loops back around you and Dali to try and escape towards the ocean, only to be once again knocked over by his brother into the surf. Santiago stands at the shore with hands on his knees, eyes crinkling in laughter.

You sigh, taking in the levity, warmth seeping deep inside of you and worming its way into a part of you that wants the best for them, wants to keep them this way forever, to take care of them. Your boys. You’re so lost in your head you don’t see Frankie approach until he’s right there, taking you by the hand and pulling you up and towards the ocean.

“Come swim with me.” He murmurs, keeping a hold on your hand as he wades with you into the surf. You turn to look at him, the sun illuminating over his head and glinting off the chestnut highlights in his messy beach hair making them seem almost golden. His eyes are wide and open, completely unguarded, speckles of amber molten in those coffee brown irises. They’re almost wolfish, soft but wild. A ghost of a smile flickers across his lips and it looks like he wants to say something, but then pauses, closing his eyes and inhaling the salt air deeply. You do the same, turning away from him and looking out at the rippling expanse beyond the waves, soaking in the sun hitting your back.

“Race you?” His voice breaks the trance, and you turn to him with a grin. He has that look, that fucking look again, eyebrows arched, mischievous glint in his eyes as he smiles a toothy smile.

You hold your finger up in front of his face. “No. Frankie? No. Don’t you dare- !” He lunges at you but you’re off, charging into the waves to escape his blatant attempt to throw you in backwards again, your legs lifting high and surging through the waves away from him. “Don’t you DARE throw me in this ocean again! Franciscoooooo! NO!” You squeal and slap him away as he almost gets your wrist, diving headfirst into the next cresting wave as it knocks him over.

When you pop back up you don’t see him. You’re out relatively deep, you can’t feel the ocean floor beneath your feet, even with your tiptoes. “Frankie?” You feel your heart drop in your chest as you try to keep above the next waves while looking for him. It feels like forever, but then he suddenly pops back up sputtering, his hair plastered over his face and in his eyes. You let out a gasp of relief, you hadn’t realized you were holding your breath, but you play it off and roll your eyes at him as he makes his way over to you.

“Damn! You beat me!” He wraps his arms around you and pulls you into him, your back curving into his chest.

You elbow him lightly in the shoulder. “You scared me, you idiot.”

“Really?”

“Yea I...I came up and...I couldn’t see you.”

He turns you around to face him as you both bob up and over the beginnings of waves. “You know you don’t have to worry about me. I’m hard to kill.” You wrap an arm around his neck, your other hand tracing up the broad planes of his chest to absently rest on the gunshot scar tissue above his collarbone.

“Okay.” You pull him to your lips, the salt of the ocean on his skin tangy and delicious. You lick your tongue against the seam of his lips and he opens with a moan, his own eagerly meeting and circling around yours, droplets of water from his wet hair and mustache dripping across your nose and cheeks, his lips. He moans again, reaching down to pull you up by the thighs to wrap them around him, cradling your ass in his palms, planting his feet on the sandy ocean floor that he’s still able to reach. You can feel his hardening cock underwater bumping up against you, right where you want him. Your body responds automatically and you shift so he’s right against you, rolling your hips lightly against his as you tilt your face to kiss him harder, hands gently pulling on the wet hair at the nape of his neck.

You pull away and look at him, your love for him bubbling over like a glass of soda poured too fast. He’s smiling that crinkly smile, his hooked nose pulling down more as it deepens. You nudge your nose against his then kiss the tip of it.

“What are you doing?” He laughs, cradling you in his arms.

“Loving on your nose.”

He hums. “My ugly nose.”

“No. Your sexy nose that I love grinding on so much.”

“Mmmmmmmm yea?” He pulls you back against him by the hips, rubbing you over the bulge in his trunks. “And this too?” His eyes close as his head tilts back, reveling in the pressure of you against him.

“Yea.” You tug his hair to pull his head back more, ravaging his neck with kisses and love bites as your grinding picks up speed.

He groans in disappointment when he pulls you off him. “As much as I love this, we better stop or we’re going to get arrested for indecent behavior on a public beach.”

“Boo.” You pout. Frankie laughs and pulls you onto his back instead, piggybacking you back and forth in the water, carrying you in his arms bridal style, and eventually getting the chance to toss you in a wave before you tire and decide to head back to shore.

“Alright, now mush!” You cry from his back, gently knocking his sides to urge him back to shore. You giggle as he makes a show of racing back to the beach until the waves make it impossible for him to keep carrying you without dropping you. He keeps a hold of your hips as you finally both emerge from the waves, turning for a kiss before grabbing your hand and leading you back to the cabana to enjoy the remainder of the afternoon with your friends.

It’s a good thing Frankie prepped for the barbecue this morning before you went to the beach, because by the time the sun is setting and you head back to the Miller house, he and the guys are absolutely trashed, stumbling up the beach chatting loudly and chasing each other around.

“For fuck’s sake Frankie! Will you let me finish this for you?!” Frankie’s arms are around your waist, his jaw over your shoulder as you do the best you can with his inebriated directions on how to finish everything up. You grumble and turn around, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him back. “Frankie, I can’t set everything up if you are hanging off me.”

“Mmmmm you’re so cute when I annoy you.” He slurs, booping your nose.

“Alright. Come on. Sit.” You push him towards the dining table and into his seat. You, Dali, and Will help bring all the food to the table. As you place the last dish next to Frankie, he takes the opportunity to pull you right into his lap.

“Hi baby. Mmmmmm I like you so much. You should eat right here.”

“Yes please.” Santiago chimes in. “Give us a show!”

Benny throws his hands up and whoops, and Frankie’s hands press your hips deeper into his lap. You roll your head and look at Dali in exasperation.

Frankie nuzzles his nose into the back of your neck. “My baby likes it where we could get caught, hmm?”

The boys all howl a ruckus as you turn and slap Frankie in the arm. “Frankie! Shut up! I swear to god I’m never letting you get drunk again.” You pull yourself off his lap and into a chair next to him. He tries to chase you with a kiss but you shove him lightly again. “And that’s you with the “in public” thing, not me.”

That does absolutely nothing to calm everyone down, and you groan, face burning, looking to Dali for some help. She claps her hands loudly, coming to your rescue. “All right. All of you! Eat! Get something in those tummies and sober up or Wildflower and I might kill all of you.”

“Yes mom.” Santiago teases as everyone starts to settle down and dig in.

The spread of pork barbecue sandwiches, mac and cheese, baked beans, biscuits, and salad does its job, the guys all sobering up to a more reasonable level with all that food to soak up the alcohol. Everyone decides to head back outside to watch Jaws in the outdoor lounge, bellies full and fresh drinks in hand to undo their hard work. Will even breaks open a prized new bottle of whiskey for everyone to enjoy as you watch.

There aren’t enough seats for six, so you let Dali have the final seat as you perch on the floor in between Frankie’s legs, your head leaning against his thigh, his fingers massaging your scalp. When he notices you shifting on your sore butt he pulls you back up and into his arms, your legs hanging off the armrest of the chair, your arms wrapped around his neck.

It’s beautiful out and quiet, you settle into Frankie’s arms, resting your head against his shoulder as you watch the shark wreak havoc on Amity Island. About halfway through, Will stands and collects all the glasses for a whiskey refill, quietly sliding through the door to the kitchen to make up the drinks.

It happens so fast you barely have time to process. The night sky was peaceful and then it wasn’t, a short burst of several loud bangs filling the air over the ocean right by the house, sparks exploding like colored stars and fizzing out as they move towards the ground.

“Fuck!”

In between the booms you hear Will yell and glass shatter, and you scramble off Frankie’s tense body round the back of the couch towards the door to the kitchen.

“Wildflower, no!” Frankie calls, standing once he comes to his senses, reaching out to try and grab your arm. He’s in full flight or fight mode, his body too amped up and he just misses you, failing to get to you before you run through the open door. The fireworks die out as quick as they started, the smell of smoke permeating the air the only evidence they existed.

When you get inside the kitchen Will is just standing there, not moving, facing away from you with his hands out.

“Will?”

He doesn’t answer, so you move forward quickly, gently laying your hand on one of his arms. Before you can get closer he jerks out of your grasp and throws you off him. You stumble a little with the force of it as Will turns around. He...doesn’t look like Will. His eyes are hard and feral, like he’s not even looking directly at you, but through you. He steps forward as if he might throttle you with his bare hands, and you back up and put your hands up in surrender. “Will.” His sharp blue eyes are just staring blankly past you, haunted, icey, and hollow. “Will, it’s okay. It’s me. It’s just me. You’re okay. You’re right here in your kitchen and you’re safe. It’s okay.” He has little to no reaction at all other than his chest heaving too rapidly to be normal.

“It’s okay.” You step towards him again, and this time he doesn’t move. You look down at his feet, some of the whiskey tumblers he’d been carrying had been dropped and shattered to the floor, slicing open the tops of his feet. He’s even standing on some shards now, like he’s so fucking out of it he’s unaware of the puddle of blood, whiskey and glass he’s standing in. You slowly bend to your knees down to the tiled floor, resting back on your heels. Making yourself smaller. Less threatening.

“Will. You cut your feet.” He blinks rapidly, lowering his gaze to his feet then back up to you, his eyes slowly returning to normal as his adrenaline calms down and he processes where he is. “Let me help you?” You whisper. He nods slowly. You shuffle towards him, careful of the shards of glass, but suddenly realize you don’t have anything to clean him up.

But then Benny is there, taking Will by the back of the neck and pressing his forehead to his. “You’re alright bro. You’re good.. I got you, okay? Let's get you out of this...get you on the counter.”

Will obeys, still quiet and shaking, unsteadily hopping up onto the counter with Benny’s help so that you can clean up. Dali arrives at your side with a roll of paper towels and you scoot to allow her to be nearer to Will while you clean up the floor. She mimics you, you’re not sure how long she’d been behind you but she takes your cues, murmuring softly to him as she slides her hands up his ankles to let him know she was there. She carefully wraps his bleeding feet in a mass of paper towels.

You stand up and step back, allowing the people closest to Will comfort him, turning away to move back outside to give them that privacy. Frankie and Santiago are hovering in the doorway, mouths hanging open.

Frankie takes you by the shoulders and looks deep into your eyes. “You okay?”

You nod, and he envelopes you in a tight hug. “Are you okay?”

“Yea.” He rasps. “Kind of was in shock for a minute. Wasn’t expecting that tonight. It’s never happened before…”

“What happened?” You look up at him.

He pulls away and rubs the back of his neck nervously. “Will doesn’t do well with really loud noises.”

“Oh.” Oh. The fireworks. This is why they don’t do anything on July Fourth, you realize, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. And it was right there. Right on the beach mere yards away. “That’s why you get together before.”

He nods. “Yea. I...it’s never happened before the Fourth before. After? Yea. Usually he just puts in earplugs. But...this was...a surprise. Fucking neighbors...”

You nod, hugging him to you again before you turn to Santiago. He rubs your back and the three of you return to the outside living room. The best thing you can do right now is not make a big deal out of it and allow Will the time to calm down with the people closest to him. Eventually they all come out and say nothing, simply re-seating themselves to relax with some TV together.

“Hey, Flower, can you come here for a minute?” Benny plucks your arm as you are getting ready to go.

You pause, looking at Frankie, who is already halfway to the gate out of the backyard with Santiago. He halts, confused. You hold your finger up to him before turning back to Benny. “Yes. Everything okay?”

“Yea, Will just wants to talk to you.”

“Oh.”

Benny leads you back in through the kitchen door while he remains hovering at the entrance. Will’s leaning against the counter with Dali, his feet wrapped up in gauze and bandages. He steps forward awkwardly.

“Are you...okay? I didn’t hurt you did I?” You’ve never seen Will this scared before. It’s a complete one-eighty from where he was this afternoon. It breaks your heart.

“Oh, Will, yes. Yes, I’m okay.” You advance on him and slowly wrap him into a tight hug, resting your chin on his strong shoulder. He squeezes you tight and exhales as he releases you. Dali moves to his side and reaches out to hold your hand.

Will looks at her then back at you. “I’m sorry if I scared you. Thank you...for helping me. Calming me down.”

“Of course. It’s no problem...I love you guys, all of you. Anything I can do to help.”

Dali smiles and pulls you in for a hug. “Thank you. I didn’t know what to do, I just stood there like an idiot.”

“No.” You soothe. “You were fine. I didn’t know what I was doing either, I just reacted. I’m sorry if I overstepped.” She pulls away, running her fingers along your hair as she parts, shaking her head with a smile. “Alright, well, I’ll leave you guys to have some time together. Thank you for tonight Will.”

He winks and you turn back to the door to rejoin Frankie. Benny’s leaning against the doorframe and he cups your cheek briefly before rejoining his brother to help clean up.

Frankie’s standing not too far behind. “He just wanted to make sure I was okay.” You clarify. He nods and the two of you head to the truck, arguing over who is driving home. You finally put your foot down and physically push Frankie to the passenger side yourself, absolutely refusing to let him drive after drinking so much.

The trip home is chillingly quiet. Your mind is spinning with new information as you handle Frankie’s massive truck and you can almost hear Frankie actively fretting, his teeth nipping on his lips every few minutes. “Frankie?”

“Hmm?”

You hesitate, unsure how to broach the subject tactfully.

“If you have a question, just ask it.”

You swallow. “Why...why did you try to stop me from checking on Will?”

He sighs heavily. “It’s...difficult. I don’t want to say things about him that are really personal.”

“Oh. Okay, I understand.”

“But after today...you might need to know a little.” He shifts in his seat, and you reach out and rest your palm on his thigh. “Will, he has issues sometimes. He doesn’t mean it, he just freaks out occasionally and he can get...aggressive. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get hurt.”

“Has this happened before?”

“Yea. Sometimes things just set him off. It’s unpredictable. Doesn’t happen often though. He just doesn’t like being surprised with loud noises.”

You hum. “I can understand that. Fuck those assholes for not setting them off on the right fucking day.”

“It’s why we get together before, people have never set them off before the holiday before. After, yea. But if he knows it’s coming he’s okay.”

“You mentioned before that his nickname was metalhead...and that he was shot in the head, right?”

“Ironhead. Yea.”

“I can’t imagine what that must be like, and the after effects of that. He’s doing so well, considering.”

Frankie looks over to you quickly. “So..you’re not mad. Or scared of him now are you?”

“Absolutely not.” You reply firmly. “My friendship is not fragile. It doesn’t go away just because someone has a flaw they can’t help.”

A smile flickers at the corner of his mouth. “Thanks.”

You bob your head, letting the cab of the truck return to silence.

Later you would realize something had been off with him that night. He was quiet, slightly unfocused, kind of twitchy. After getting under the covers he let you into your favorite spot, but there was no chatter. No caresses. No tickles or pinches or jokes or extra snuggles.

You’d felt the way he’d stiffened under you when the fireworks went off, the hand on your thigh squeezing too tight, his eyes like a deer in headlights as you hopped off his lap to see to Will. The others weren’t much better, but you had put that to the back of your mind. You shouldn’t have.

His eyes sting. Fucking dirt or sand or whatever picked up by the wind and forcing him to squint when he knows he needs to see clearly. He moves down the street at the rear of the group, rifles up and at the ready. A pause up front. A commotion. His chest hurts, his heart is racing. Movement. A woman with something strapped to her chest runs down the street towards them. He squeezes his eyes shut and then opens them again. Everyone else is gone. Chunks of flesh and body parts strewn across the street, blood spattered on the walls of the buildings. The smell of burnt flesh. A truck upended and on fire. He closes his eyes again, opening them to murmurs and commands on his com. He moves forward in the dark underground bunker. A maze. He hates mazes.

Advance on the door. He does. Out of the dark, a teenager with an automatic rifle guards a door refusing to let him pass. He has to pass. He chokes out a sob but he can’t breathe, the discharge of his gun causing images to flash in cycles in his eyes as he feels himself suffocate on nothing. A man refusing to be brought in for war crimes and shooting himself in the head. Rounds of fire shooting into a crowd of screaming villagers. Crying and calling out in languages he doesn’t understand. The sound of rain in a jungle. A mule squealing and falling off a cliff. The sound of a detonated land mine. A helicopter spinning out. Benny yelling in terror. Tom's head bleeding out on a rock. A man in Delta Force gear getting his throat slit-

Frankie jolts awake with a long gasping breath, his heart pummeling in his chest, a light sweat coating his skin. He thinks he can still smell gunfire smoke. Charred bodies.

Fuck.

This hasn't happened in a long time. Enough time that he thought...hoped, that he was over it. He sits up and curls forward, covering his face with his hands, trying to control his racing heartbeat and buzzing alcohol brain. Everything still feels hazy, but clear at the same time. His body exists, but everything else is blurry, tuned out, unfocused...muffled.

He doesn’t even hear you calling his name.

“Cat?” You hear him jerk up, hear him gasp for air like he’s choking, feel him shift in the bed as he moves. But he isn’t answering, as if he doesn’t even register you’re there in the bed with him.

“Frankie.” Still, no answer. You reach for the lamp on the nightstand at your side of the bed and turn it on.

He’s sitting up, his back arching forwards over bent knees, head slumping into his crossed arms, face covered. Like he’s trying to roll into a ball, like he wants to shrink into a shell of himself that doesn’t have to feel anything. His breathing is too rapid, his back puffing from the inhales and exhales at a rate that makes it pretty clear what’s going on.

He’s having a panic attack too.

You scoot forward slowly until you’re to his right in his peripheral if he were to lift his head, slightly behind him. “Frankie.” You repeat yourself again, and again, softly, reassuringly until he twitches and buries his head further into his arms.

A response. Good.

You remember what happened with Will earlier that night and adjust your technique to not repeat the same mistake. You’re unsure how Frankie is while having an episode. You haven’t seen it before.

“Frankie. Can I touch you?”

He doesn’t react for what seems like forever, but eventually you see him nod the smallest nod. You lay a palm on his shoulder and slide it to the valley between the blades. His shirt is sticking to him with a light sweat. You pause, not wanting to overstimulate him. He whimpers and you continue, gently rub his upper back up and down before reaching your other arm in between his bent thighs and tummy to fully wrap your arm around him, laying your cheek against his shoulder. You press a kiss to the fabric there, and he slumps backwards into your embrace like his bones were made of rubber.

“Oh….baby. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re right here with me, you’re safe.” You squeeze him tighter. “Bad dream?” Another little nod. “Okay. That’s okay. It’s done now.”

You stay like that for a long time, long enough you can feel your back becoming sore from the odd position. Recalling his back complaints, you know his can’t be much better. “Come on.” You say, tugging him backwards a bit, scooting yourself back up onto the bed and resting your head on the pillow. You reach your arms out to him. “Come here.”

He doesn’t move at first, his paralysis fueled by both anxiety and his already stubborn demeanor. But you wait patiently with your arm out to invite him in and eventually he crawls up the bed and flops down into your arms with a huff. You move the arm his head lays back up and around his back, stroking him soothingly up and down as you were before. He shudders, inhales deeply, the exhale stunted by quivering breath as he burrows himself into the crook of your neck, his arm wrapping around your waist and pulling himself into you, as if you could absorb him and all of his pain.

You wait for him to settle, saying nothing. You know him well enough to be able to read when he wants to talk or not. You don’t even acknowledge when you feel dampness on your neck and the collar of his tee you wore to bed, or the way his body just barely trembles as he cries. You just let him try to cope, try to give him what he needs to do that, gently raking your fingers through the cold, sweaty curls at the back of his head until he falls back asleep.

When he wakes, it’s to the scent of you. You’re both in almost the same position as you fell asleep, his leg flung over one of yours and your head turned away from him. The arm he’s resting on is cradling the back of his head, your hand resting against his ear, your other hand laced with his on your stomach. He doesn’t even remember when that happened. He shifts, inhaling that sweet scent of you deeper, letting it surround and ground him.

He didn’t dream any more last night. Like your simple comfort and acceptance had told his thoughts to be silent, like your arms around him literally shielded him from any more hurt. He wishes he could talk to you, tell you what he’s seen, done, heard, thinking maybe you’d help, you’d lend your kindly ear and support like you always do.

But Delta Force is a different breed. Documents swearing confidentiality and top-secret missions not even some of the members of the government know about. And Colombia...he can’t speak of that out of the shame, the guilt.

You shot innocent people. You didn’t think. You flew the helicopter. You didn’t listen. You were too quick on the trigger. You shot first. You caused Tom to die. It was your fault. They all almost died, because of you. His kids don’t have a father anymore.

No. He can’t talk about that. Ever. It’s better for you not to know. The other things, maybe, in time. Little by little, piece by piece. He feels safe knowing you don’t mind that, you let him come to you when he’s ready. You never push, you never pry, you never demand. He thinks you deserve so much more than him.

He feels you hum under his cheek, the sound vibrating against him as you wake. You stretch out your feet, pointing your toes as much as you can in this position. It’s cloudy today, the early morning sunlight that peeks through the window shades is pockmarked and spotty, leaving the room in a strange state of light but dark. The hand resting around his neck caresses him softly, sliding up to cup the back of his head, fingers threading through his unruly curls.

“Hey.” You croak.

“Hey.”

“How are you? Did you sleep okay...after?”

He nods. “Thanks.” His words are muffled against you.

“Do you want me to make some coffee?”

He grunts and pulls you into him closer. “No. Can we just...lay for a bit?”

“Yea, of course.” You kiss the top of his head and settle into a comforting silence only highlighted by the two of you breathing.

“I’m sorry...that you had to see that. Probably didn’t help that I drank so much yesterday.”

“Don’t be sorry. I just wish I could have done more to help.”

“You did. Thanks for driving us home.”

He pauses. I’m a fucking mess.

“Sometimes I think I don’t deserve you.”

“Frankie, we’ve talked about this. Why?”

“Cause I’ve just...done a lot. Things I had to, things I can’t stop thinking about, things I had to be a part of. Shitty choices I’ve made. I...don’t think I’m a bad person, but it feels like I am.”

You push his chin up with your finger to make him meet your eyes. “Frankie, no. You just said, you had to do those things for work. If anyone is to blame, it’s the government. And you’re not a bad person, you’ve made some mistakes like anyone else, and that’s okay. You have so many people who love you and think you’re good. Please believe us.”

“Yea, who.” He scoffs.

You scoff right back. “Your friends, your family…” You pause, realizing what you were just about to say.

He feels like his chest has seized up, throbbing pangs in his heart spreading through his whole body. Oh shit. This....this is it. I should say it first. No...wait, just wait. He meets your eyes. You’re chewing on your bottom lip, your facial expression twisted as you decide whether or not to roll with it.

You swallow.

His heartbeat is hammering in his ears.

“And me.”

He’s staring at you.

Fuck. Fuck.

You almost back out, playing it off like it wasn’t meant the way it sounded but you stop yourself. He’s still staring at you, warm chocolate brown eyes wide, eyebrows arched. That fucking puppy dog look again, and you remember.

“You’re everything to me. Stay. Don’t ever leave.”

“I...love you Frankie.” And god dammit he’s still staring at you not saying anything and you can’t help but backpeddle, stumbling over your stupid quivering voice. “I- I’m sorry, I know it’s only been a few months and it’s really soon and you don’t have to say it back at all, I don’t expect anyth--MMPH.”

He practically slams his lips into yours, his hand reaching to cup the back of your head to pull you into him more. It’s a mad press of his lips to yours, you feel like your heart is going to explode, like it’s just not capable of experiencing this much feeling all at once. Hope. Fear. Ecstasy. Adrenaline. Relief. He pulls away only to surge forward again, planting several more pecks on your mouth, his hand sliding forward to hold your cheek in his palm.

“I love you too baby, I love you so fucking much.” He lets something out that sounds halfway between a sob and a laugh, and you do the same in return. He lifts himself on his arms and moves to lay on top of you, resting his chin on your chest as he settles between your legs.

You can feel tears starting to form at the corner of your eyes, the prickling not unwelcome, but still, you’d prefer to not start sobbing. “I was so scared to tell you for so long. I thought- I should wait...if you didn’t want to...or if you didn’t..”

“Baby.” He husks, pulling himself forward so he can rest his forehead against yours, his lips a fraction of an inch from you, his warm breath tickling your face. “I fell in love with you that first time you hugged me.”

Well that was...that was only after knowing him a month and a half. This whole time? The tears are falling freely now. “Frankie...”

“I was scared too. I still am.” He whispers.

“Don’t be, don’t be. I love you so much.” You reach for him, hands grasping at his sides as you push your face forward, closing that space between your lips once more. It’s like every kiss before was leading up to this one, your heart cresting in emotion as you capture his bottom lip between yours. You tilt your head, delving your tongue into his mouth and he meets you, licking into you as you retract, tasting you, soothing you, loving you. He whimpers into your mouth as his hips subconsciously roll into yours. His whole body is flush against you, but the weight of him is welcome and comforting. It makes you feel held. Safe.

You pull your legs up and plant your feet on the mattress, framing him with your thighs as you kiss him harder, tilting your pelvis into his so minutely he doesn’t even register it. His hands are everywhere, sliding up your thighs, gripping your waist, the sides of your face, your ass, your breasts. Your kisses become sloppier and more frantic and it isn’t long before he’s fully rocking his hard length into you

“Cat. I need you inside me.”

“Fuck, me too.”

He raises himself just enough to push his pajama pants and your panties down before settling back on you, the hot thick length of his cock bumping against your thigh. A bead of pre-cum smears across the sensitive skin there, cooling in the air as it dries. He moves to scoot down your body, pushing your shirt (his shirt) up until your breasts are exposed, but you pull him back up.

“No, I need you now. Please.”

He hums and lurches forward back to your lips, thrusting his tongue into the heat of your mouth. You can’t even bother with taking the tee off, opting to leave it bunched up along your sternum. Frankie lifts his hips and grabs himself, lining the fat head of his cock up and smearing it around your folds before thrusting in completely to the hilt.

His face slackens when he’s fully seated inside you. “Oh, fuck.”

He’s always big, always huge inside of you but this stretch is something else, when he hasn’t spent time working you open for him with his mouth or hands. Making sure you’re thoroughly soaked and weeping for him. He swallows your cry at the intrusion with his mouth. The slight pain feeling so fucking good, his body pressed as close as it can to you.

“Okay?” He pants against your lips, breathless at the way your walls adjust and accommodate him.

“Is there…” You sigh when he rolls his hips, his forearms framing you, the head of his cock hitting someplace so fucking warm and delicious. “Is there a word that’s better than okay? Cause I forgot it.”

He chuckles, pulling back until only the tip of him is still inside you before sliding forward. And again. And again. A gentle rhythm like the waves at low tide.

“I love hearing you get all cock-dumb baby.”

Your giggle turns into a squeak as he nips at your neck, licking a stripe up to your ear and nibbling the lobe. He kisses his way back down, pulling back to look at your face as you take him into you. You’re fucking gorgeous, mouth open, brows tilted, and the way you’re looking at him.

You love him. Him.

He cups your cheek in his hand as he thrusts in and out of you slow enough you can feel every ridge, every vein, the throb of his cock head as he hits that perfect spot over and over. You shift to take him deeper, wrapping your legs around his waist. “Jesus, baby you feel so fucking good. Fucking take me so- so well.”

You whine as he leaves your lips, chasing him but he’s gone, kissing down your neck, clavicle, down to the pillowy tops of your breasts, lathing and licking the valley between them until he takes one of your breasts in his hand, tweaking the nipple oh so gently.

It’s too much, the nervous energy from before seeps back into your nerves, heightening every sensation to a level that’s sublime. He can feel the way your legs are tightening around him, the way your body tenses, your cunt starts to clench around him, your breathy moans pitching higher telling him you’re close. The coarse hair at the base of his cock rubs against you at each reconnection is almost too much.

“You’re so tight. Oh god, you feel so good baby.”

“Don’t stop. Right there.”

He doesn’t, keeps rocking into you until you’re dangling on the edge for a few seconds that feel like they last forever.

“Want to feel you cum. Soak my cock honey, come on.” Your pussy is almost squeezing him to death even as he forces you over the edge, landing a few harder ruts into you as you shatter around him, thighs shaking.

“That’s it baby, hold on to me. I got you. Such a good girl. My sweet- unff - fucking girl.” You're boneless under him, eyes hooded and blissed out, mouth agape. He resumes his languid pace and slides his hand under your ass, pulling a leg up to rest higher on his waist. His other arm curls around the back of your shoulder for leverage, stretching you open and pulling back, the squelch of your juices filling the room.

God, his noises. The fucking sounds he makes are so sinful and intimate paired with the heated puffs of air tickling the skin of your neck. Moans turn to grunts, grunts turn to whines, and again, you realize you’re close. It comes so sudden it’s almost paralyzing.

“M’close.” He croaks out, adjusting his grip on your elevated leg, his cock jostling inside you as he shifts.

“Oh, my god. Me too, I- I think.”

“Yea? Gonna cum on me again? Cum. Make a fucking mess. Want my baby to feel so fucking good.” You squeeze your legs around him so you don’t lose the position, pulling him into you by the curls at the nape of his neck until you are forehead to forehead again. “Yea, pull me in, take it, just like that.”

The eye contact is overwhelming, but you don’t want to look away from him. You want him to speed up and you don’t, you want to cum but you don’t because you don’t want it to end.

“Wanted to fuck you that first time I saw you. In the coffee place.” He gasps against you. “Fuck you against my shelves when I came home. Jacked off constantly to you. I can’t - mmmm - I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re it for me baby.”

It’s that more than anything that makes you snap, cumming fast while you clench your nails into his back. You chant his name as your walls flutter around him, coating him with another rush of your slick.

“Fuck yes. So fucking pretty.” His hips snap faster against you as he chases his own release and he pulls your face back down so he can see you, to regain that eye contact as he cums for you.

You wrap your arms around his neck and hold him tight. “Frankie. I love you. I love you so much.”

He scrunches his eyes closed, letting the words envelope him and give him that push he needs to release. You coo and praise as he buries his cock deep, filling you up with his spend. The momentum of his final thrust carries him forward and he collapses into your arms with a groan.

Frankie nestles his face into your neck and sighs, that scent of you bringing him out of his haze. You press your cheek to the side of his head, bodies melting together while you catch your breath. He doesn’t move for a long time, taking in the way you stroke up and down his back, the kisses you place on the top of his head. He doesn’t ever want to move, but…

“Mmph. Should move. M’crushing you.”

“Mmm-mmm. No. Want you to stay right here.”

“Okay.” He lifts his head to press his sharp nose into your cheek. He can feel your combined fluids seeping out of you and dripping down his balls, and he feels some small sense of loss that all of it isn’t staying within you. He thrusts into you one more time, hoping his softening cock will keep the rest of it in, causing you to shiver as the movement forces an after shock of your orgasm. He reaches up to palm your cheek, sliding his thumb across your cheekbones and down to your lips. You kiss the pad of his thumb. “I’ll just hold you like this for a while.”

“Yes.” You drop your legs to try to kick up some of the sheets to cover you with mixed results, but you’d rather be half covered than have him leave you.

“I love you, mi amor.” He whispers after a while.

“Yo también te amo, Frankie.”

You fall asleep until late in the afternoon with him in your arms, still inside you. He doesn’t have another nightmare.

Chapter 11

#pedro pascal #frankie morales #frankie catfish morales #frankie morales x reader #frankie morales x you #frankie morales fanfic #triple frontier fanfic #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfic #my writing #fix you fic #pedrostories

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dumbass-mha-simp · 3 years

Text

Elliott x GN!Reader

Your New Playlist

Kinda sad? Ig angst but not actually like, bad angst yk.

1k words

Stardew Valley

Warnings: crying, mentally beating yourself over a crush, self-sacrificing but not in a death kinda way, cussing (I think like one f word), Elliott is a theater kid you can't convince me otherwise,

I wanna do a part two, would anyone be interested? I know how much us Elliott simps want fanfiction. I'm probably gonna start on it anyway lol.

Yes I actually made this playlist smh ikik, you don't have to listen to it ofc but his aesthetic really fits my music taste, at least I feel so. I write my fanfiction as gender neutral as I can but if you ever spot any mistakes I'd love to fix it!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elliott's POV

My feet took me across the path leading to Leah's house. The gentle cotton clouds stretching their wisps across the blue sky, bright enough to blind me as though it were the sun that it surrounds. The gentle new Spring breeze froze my cheeks lightly as my eyes closed to avoid the same chill from the past winter.

Fresh Spring flowers and hidden vegetables encircled her yard as I made my way to knock against the dark wood door that always seemed thunderingly loud.

Leah peaked through the window by her door before I can see her face light up and reach for the door.

"Hey, c'mon in!" She opens the door wider to let me pass through. "How are you doing?"

"If I'm honest, a little troubled." I sigh looking forlornly to the floor.

"Come sit." Leah pulls me to her table and sits in the accompanying seat. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Leah, what does it feel like to you before you admit you fancy someone?" I look up into her listening eyes before her face changes into slight shock.

"Hmmm." She brings her hand up to her chin as she ponders. "Well, you miss being around them when they're gone. You constantly find ways to connect anything back to them, like `oh they'd love this`, or `I should check up on them.` You care about their opinion more than others and you want to learn about them, even if it's the uninteresting things."

I slide my arms down onto the table, placing my head on top of them. That sounded exactly like what's happening. I had read about it a million times, falling gently in love with a close friend. Perhaps that interest to become friends was always attraction.

"I can't get enough of Y/N." I muffled through my folded arms sighing once again as I turned my head to finally look back up at Leah, the light stinging my eyes.

"Well maybe I could help you with getting more of them?" Leah smirked as she grabbed her phone from her pocket.

I lifted my head slightly panicked. "What are you doing?" I rushed out.

"Relax, I'm not telling Y/N. But they shared something with me. They have a wide music taste yes?"

I had heard some of their music. While they made us lunch, while they partake in their hobbies, when they hum near silently late at night on the beach. I nodded back thinking of how they never seemed to be signing along to a song similar to the others. Unpredictable, and absolutely captivating.

"Well one of their tastes in music is very folk-y and they mentioned how those songs reminded them of you. So they made a playlist of songs that remind themselves of you." Leah said looking down and scrolling through her phone.

They made a playlist about me. They actively want to remember and listen to things that remind themselves of me. I feel I might faint. Was this something that was common among friends? Was this nothing more than an act of kindness? Or something they decided to do on a whim?

"Here give me your phone I'll send it to you." She holds her hand out expectantly.

I quickly go to pull out the hardly used device. I had never had much use for it but if it could bring me any step closer to Y/N I wouldn't hesitate to learn.

Leah downloaded a music app, laughing at how I had no applications. Before leaving it opened on the playlist. "The Lonely, Ocean-Accompanied, Writer." It read. I reread it a couple times to convince myself it was real. A lovely name, but is that how they see me?

"Chill out, Romeo." Leah giggled. "I can practically see you overthinking everything. Just relax and listen to the songs, maybe they'll tell you something."

I wrapped my arms around her neck, hugging her closely before leaving to listen to the playlist.

~~~

As I shut the door behind me I pressed my back against it. I've never felt so scattered before. I looked for the volume button, turning it up before hitting play.

The songs, quiet but emotional. As though you had just lie down on the grass to cry or relieve tension or reminisce. They felt like a memory I had trouble recalling.

The songs seemed to renew me, before I heard one I distinctly remembered hearing before. From high-school theater club, a time in my life that was fond to me. I do remember Y/N telling me they loved musicals, hearing them hum along to Heathers while I wrote.

A song unlike most others on this list.

"When He Sees Me" from Waitress.

~~~

Y/N's POV

"Oh, Yoba. What if when he sees me, I like him and he knows it? What if he opens up a door, And I can't close it?" I belted out the lyrics as loud as I wanted, the tears streaming down my face unwavering.

The good side to owning your own farm is you could scream along to your songs without people to complain. You had been replaying this part of the song for awhile now. He was all you could seem to think about.

Your head was swarmed with thoughts of Elliott. Some where he reciprocated your feelings and others where he shut you out. Every time you built a daydream where he loved you unconditionally you trampled it with the thoughts of his rejection.

You brought your knees up to your chest, resting your head between them as you cried.

~~~

Elliott's POV

We had had conversations about musicals, perhaps that's why they chose this song? Maybe they thought since my school had a play of Waitress that it'd fit. But I know they liked other Waitress songs, why weren't those added? Only this one.

After that song came another, "I Hear A Symphony" one I've never heard. As the song started all I could see was Y/N. I could hear them singing along, their smile, their eyes averting to mine for the thousandth time.

Y/N was my symphony.

The powerful, breathtaking ocean couldn't compare to the awkward farmer that ran across town just to give me their best sweet pea flowers and be the first thing I saw as I left my quaint cabin.

They brought the motivation and inspiration for 8 hour writing sessions, they brought me food when they knew I'd forgotten to eat between writing the book and planning on what to write next.

They were something I could never dream of losing. I wished to live the rest of my life with their support.

If telling them my feelings means I'd lose them, then I couldn't dream of making such a selfish decision.

~~~

Y/N's POV

I trudged my way into town. After last night's crying session my eyes still felt a bit dry, if I'm honest I cried when I woke up as well. The loneliness felt suffocating in such a lonely little house. But I needed some new seeds. The stone path drawing all my attention as I walked.

As I walked into Pierre's it wasn't hard to tell that people could see something was off. After buying my seeds I felt a hand on my shoulder, turning around to find Elliott.

"Y/N are you feeling alright? You look as though you've been distressed lately." You motion to him to follow you and walks out of the store behind you.

You take a deep breath as you start to tear up a bit more. He reaches for your face as he lifts it up, looking at the pooling tears.

So many things, the things you could have said. But they didn't come up. Instead a vision of his face of discomfort at your confession. You couldn't bear it. You couldn't tell him.

"I've just been stressed. I'm sorry for worrying you, Elliott." You sigh, attempting to put up a fake smile as you wipe your eyes. He retracts his hand as he looks guilty. Fuck does he feel like it's his fault?

"Well I'm willing to listen to your troubles if you ever need." He also puts on a strained smile as you both part ways.

"This is for the best." They both whisper as they leave.

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hansols-yoda-boxers · 3 years

Text

Bad Decisions (Just You)

Seungcheol x Female Reader

Word Count: 5436

Contents: reader is a bratty sub but cheol is fucking whipped, oral (male receiving) while sleeping, manhandling, slight body praise, choking, pet name (babygirl), sir kink, dom svt, hair pulling, face fucking, drooling, fingering, marking, living room sex, wall, sex, bed sex (all unprotected), multiple creampies, very slight breeding kink

Note: So as if this is some pop song I’ve given it two titles cuz I couldn’t decide. Anyways okay this is so late and I am so sorry for that but a very happy belated birthday to @bootyful-seventeen !!!! You are so much fun to talk to and I know I can go to you with that weird shit and you’ll roll with it. You write fun stuff and I really love that you don’t take it too seriously, the lighthearted stories are wonderful and your soft dad!svt stuff makes my heart melt. You are genuinely such enjoyable company and I hope you know that I really love our friendship and I’m really happy to know you.

Truly, the day had been a veritable orgy of dumb decisions.

You shouldn’t have gotten so worked up when you woke up, cuddling with your boyfriend and feeling something hard pressing into your lower stomach. You shouldn’t have looked at the clock to see that Seungcheol’s alarm would go off in approximately six minutes. You shouldn’t have shimmed below the covers and found a cozy spot between his legs.

You definitely shouldn’t have pulled down his sweats and started sucking him off to wake him up.

And yet you did, despite truly, honestly, definitely knowing better you couldn’t help yourself and you did it anyway because life really is too short to deny yourself the pleasure that is your boyfriend’s cock, even if you didn’t think through the timing at all.

And so you felt a hand in your hair as you moved your lips, taking his cock into your mouth. And you heard his low, gravely, early morning groans, the first sound out of his mouth that sent arousal careening through your body and had you pressing your thighs together. You sunk into the bliss, letting your hand slip between your legs to tease yourself, mind clouded with the enticing idea of morning sex, knowing it would set your day up just right.

Until Seungcheol’s alarm started blaring in your ears and he let out a much more annoyed groan. His hand pulled off the blankets easily and you gave him the sweetest look you could, still whining as he pulled you back off of his cock and rolled out of bed.

“Aw, come on we ca-”

“No,” he warned. “You know I don’t have time.” He eyed you, regarding you suspiciously as he pulled his sweats back up. “Now I have to shower and get ready and deal with this,” he motioned to the now very obvious boner in his sweats, “before I leave.”

“You had that before I started,” you whined. “And you know I could help y-” Your words fell off as he leaned closer to you suddenly, grabbing your jaw firmly with a slow burning intensity in his gaze.

“If I let you help me, I’ll be late. So now thanks to you, I won’t be able to get the thought of fucking your mouth out of my head. You’ve already managed to ruin me for the whole day.” You tried to bite back the grin tugging at your lips but you couldn’t and Seungcheol’s grip tightened. “Don’t get smug, babygirl.”

You didn’t wipe the look from your face, watching him as he let go of you and headed for the bathroom. “What are you gonna do about it?” You giggled. Seungcheol threw you a look over his shoulder as he left the room.

Unsurprisingly, the bad decisions did not end there.

You had things to do, it wasn’t like your day was empty but you did have some free time, and most of what you needed to do was from home today. And on any other day that wouldn’t mean much more than that you would start dinner since it was easier for you to get something ready.

Today, however, it meant you were going to tease him.

Once he was on his way you got yourself out of bed, taking you time washing up and picking pretty lingerie. You grabbed a pair of leggings and searched through his closet to find one of his shirts and felt only the slightest bit unhinged at how you couldn’t stop smiling and chuckling to yourself over your plan to mess with him all day.

And mess with him you did. The morning started off with innocent selfies when you had spare moments. The first few he reacted to sweetly but as you sent further back and then mirror selfies he got frustrated. It was far too easy to wind him up and so much fun teasing him about what was hidden under his big, comfy shirt.

The more frustrated his messages became the more it egged you on. The more it made you wanna act like a brat. In between his warnings not to distract him while he was working (and your instances that he didn’t have to open the pictures in the middle of his work day) you could sense his desperation. You knew that with every minute that passed he wanted you more and more and that feeling was just far too fun and far too powerful.

That’s what you told yourself as you had slipped your leggings off that afternoon and started teasing yourself over your panties, why you pulled your shirt up and caught it between your teeth, letting out muffled little moans and whines as your fingers worked and your hips rolled and bucked and followed the sensations.

As you started recording the video you were much more ready to say you were just messing with him further and not that all of your shenanigans had backfired only slightly and had you far too needy when he wouldn’t be home for another hour or so. You had to hope that when he got home he’d be too needy and wouldn’t try to punish you by taking away sex.

Then again, any time he’d tried that he gave in after a day or two. He really couldn’t resist you.

“When are you coming home?” you whined through the fabric between your teeth. “Please, I need you so badly.” Admittedly, you were hyping it up a little more for the camera just to get to him but the thought of how he would be when he got home was all the incentive you needed.

“Please, please fuck-” You ended the video. You knew very well you were going to be in trouble for sending him a video and then not letting him see you cum, but today was a day for bad decisions and you were rolling with it now. A long moan left your lips and your back arched as you came, legs trembling and core squeezing around your measly fingers, reminding you of what you really wanted inside of you.

You felt a little dazed as you sent the video, though not nearly as fucked out as you wanted to feel. Either way you let yourself flop back on the bed, comfy and considering a nap while you waited for Seungcheol to come home. You could go start dinner though, not that you felt you would be eating when he walked in the door. Your sleepy mind thought about what you might make and if you needed to prepare anything ahead of time until your phone buzzed.

[You’re in so much trouble, babygirl]

You snickered as you read the message.

[Well you’re not here, looks like I can do what I want]

[Not for long]

[You’re such a little brat today, babygirl]

[Better hurry up and get home before I wear myself out] You couldn’t keep in your chuckles as you put down your phone, heading to the bathroom to freshen up just a bit. You could figure out food later but at the moment what you really wanted was to think about your boyfriend getting home. You took as much time as you could washing up, picking out his favourite perfume for you and fixing your lingerie and hair. You took the opportunity to turn on a sex playlist, hoping that you hadn’t added anything that would wreck the mood too much. You were preoccupied enough that you missed the soft click of the front door.

“You wanted to test me today.”

You spun around and gazed down the hall to where Seungcheol had just come through the door and was taking off his shoes. His gaze was dark and intense and it filled you with arousal as much as it did glee. As soon as they were off he was making his way towards you as you stepped out into the hallway. You bit down on your lip, trying not to smile too widely as he grabbed you by the waist and pushed you back until you hit the wall with a gasp that was quickly swallowed by his lips.

He kissed you with all the pent up passion and tension from a day of teasing, hand coming up to your throat as he pressed you into the wall with his body. You easily let his tongue past your lips, whining unabashedly against him as his free hand grabbed at your hip and he pressed one of his thighs between your legs.

Your hands couldn’t help themselves, pulling him closer by his hair at first, but it wasn’t long before they wandered. They seemed to have a mind of their own as they moved down his shoulders and you felt up his arms, feeling him smile into the messy kisses and urging your hips to move, grinding on his thigh subtly. Your hands moved further, slipping down his back before grabbing at his ass and drawing a light groan from him before he pulled away from the kiss, lips moving to your ear as the hand around your throat tightened.

“Do you know how much grief you caused me today?” He growled. “Do you know how much trouble you’re in babygirl?”

“Not enough,” you hummed, solely to get his hand just a little tighter and have him push you down on his thigh a little more roughly. He pressed his hips into you, rutting against you and you felt even more heat pooling between your legs, your mouth watering at the feeling of his hard length pressing into you from the movement.

“Do you feel that, babygirl?” His voice was rough and you could hear his own desperation just under the surface. “Do you feel what you do to me? Do you know how hard it was to get through the day with you acting up like that? Spending me pictures of your pretty body? Sending video?”

“H-H-” you tried to speak but the way he pressed his thigh up between your legs and rolled his hips against you drew a desperate moan from your lips instead, your hands grabbing at him and trying to pull him closer. Your legs trembled slightly as you ground your core down against his thigh, feeling the dull sparks igniting inside you and wanting more.

“You’re such a brat today,” he growled, easily adding to the arousal pooling between your legs and drawing a whimper from your lips. Your mind was quickly closing on in your goal, fueled by your need and wanting almost nothing more than for him to fuck, you brain searching for any words that would have that happening faster.

“Y-You-” You forced your words out despite your whines and hazy mind. “You sh-should punish me, sir.”

A gasp left your lungs as he pulled his thigh out from between your legs. His hand moved from your throat to your shoulder and he pushed you down roughly to your knees, his hand tangling into your hair easily. You gazed up at him with a pout and he smirked down at you as his other hand undid his belt.

“I know what you want, babygirl,” he murmured, unzipping his pants. “I know that you want me to fuck you against every piece of furniture in this apartment.”

“Please,” you whined, whimpering louder when he tugged roughly on your hair.

“You’ve been a brat. Getting off without me is one thing, but using it to taunt me while I can’t do anything? And now you think you deserve to get off again? To get just what you want?” He chuckled, shaking his head before giving you an intense gaze. “Open your mouth, babygirl.”

You kept your eyes on him, letting out a whine but doing as he said as he pushed his boxers down. You itched to look at his cock, hard in his hand as he pumped it slowly and groaned. You squirmed, letting your tongue hang out as you gave him a sweet look. Seungcheol brought his cock to your lips and you leaned forwards, earning another chuckle from his lips.

“Pretending to be eager now? Do you think that’s going to make it up to me, babygirl?”

“No, sir,” you mumbled as sweetly as you could. “I j-” you gasped again as he tugged at your hair roughly. Before any more words could make it out of your mouth he thrust his cock between your lips, letting out a groan.

“You’re too mouthy today, babygirl,” he groaned. “Let me use that pretty mouth for something more productive.”

Seungcheol held your head still as he started to fuck into your mouth. Groans fell off his lips as and his gaze grew darker and darker as his hips moved steadily into your mouth. Your hands dug into the skin of your thighs, breathing through your nose and trying not to touch yourself the way you desperately wanted to.

“God, your mouth feels so good,” he groaned. “Maybe I’ll just fuck your mouth all night, babygirl. You’ve been so bratty maybe I won’t even fuck you. I shouldn’t, you don’t deserve it.”

You let out a desperate moan around his cock. He was only saying that to get to you, he wanted it as badly as you did. But now, with his cock in your mouth and your thighs pressing together and getting no relief the only thought on your mind was to get more. You did your best to relax your throat, trying to lean forwards and take more of his cock.

Seungcheol cursed under his breath, his grip in your hair tightening as his cock breached your throat. You gagged around his length, drool dripping out from the covers of your mouth before he pulled his cock back to let you breathe.

“If you want me to fuck you properly,” his voice was growing rougher as his hips picked up their pace, fucking into your mouth faster. “Then you shouldn’t make your mouth any more enticing, babygirl.”

You moaned around him in response, keeping your gaze on him as best you could as his cock thrust into your throat again, a deeper growl leaving his lips at the feeling as you moaned around him and felt more drool coming from your mouth, getting more and more messy by the second as he started to chase his high.

“Fuck, you feel so good, babygirl,” he growled. “Your pretty mouth f-feels so good.” His hips started to snap into your mouth more quickly and you kept your jaw and throat as relaxed as you could, moaning around his cock and trying to grind or roll your hips on nothing, needing some relief desperately.

Seungcheol, let out a rough growl as he pushed into your throat and came, holding your head down on his cock as he released. His cum ran down your throat and pooled into your mouth. You gasped to catch your breath when he slowly pulled his cock away and tilted your head back, looking down at you hazily.

“God you look pretty like that, babygirl,” he groaned.

Your voice was breathy and had a desperation you could no longer hide. “I’d look better bent over the couch, right sir?”

He bit down on his lip to hold in the near growl that came from his chest but there was nothing hesitant about the way he pulled you to your feet roughly by your hair. Was your mind not already on the goal of being fucked you would be downright giddy at the way he handled you so roughly. His hands grabbed at you as you made it to your feet and he pushed you to the couch, bending you over it easily.

You bit down on your lip, gasping as he pulled at your panties, tearing them off and spreading your legs. One of his hands tangled into your now messy hair while the other dragged through your folds. You pressed your hips back into his hand and heard him chuckling, though his voice was much breathier.

“You’re just so enticing, babygirl,” he groaned, easily pushing two fingers into you as he leaned over you back. “God, even when I want to punish you I just can’t help myself. I shouldn’t be fucking you when you’ve been so bratty, but I really can’t resist your pretty pussy.” You let out small moans as you ground your hips back and he curled and thrust his fingers at a steady pace. “The way you get so desperate for me, the way you’re moaning for me,” he pressed his lips to your back, between your shoulder blades. “I know you know what you do to me.”

You lost yourself in the feeling, shamelessly rolling and grinding your hips back as much as he’d allow. His fingers moved more and more quickly, feverishly, into your cunt. His lips found the back of your neck and sucked marks into your skin, drawing shivers down your spine and moans from your lips at the feeling.

Your toes curled as he pressed a third finger inside easily. Your head fell forward as you pressed your hips back even more and moaned out for him, fingers grabbing at the fabric of the couch to steady yourself as the intense feeling in your core built stronger and stronger.

“God you’re so cute when you’re needy. You got yourself all worked today too, didn’t you babygirl?” You moaned, nodding your head and feeling your legs tremble as you clenched around his fingers at his words. Your hips kept moving, getting so close to your high as the coil in your core curled tightly.

Curses feel off your lips as Seungcheol nipped at your ear. “I really shouldn’t give you what you want,” his voice was rough as he pressed his hips against you, his hard cock pressing against your ass.

“Please,” you weren’t even sure what you were begging for as your mind spun. Did you want to cum right now or did you want his cock first? Both ideas sounded heavenly to your very clouded, very aroused, extremely needy brain. “Please, sir, please.”

You bit down on your lip to hold in your whine as he pulled his fingers from your core. A hand found your hair and you let out a gasp as he pulled you up roughly, bringing his wet fingers to your lips.

“Open up, babygirl.”

You let your lips fall open easily, eyes fluttering closed as you tasted yourself on his fingers, suck them clean messily. Your tongue ran over his digits as he let go of your hair, dropping his hand between your legs and nearly making your knees buckle as he suddenly started rubbing fast, rough circles into your clit.

You cursed around his fingers, legs shaking as you leaned your thighs against the back of the couch, trying to stay on your feet as the pleasure coursed through you. The coil in your core curled tighter and your moans climbed higher in your voice. Seungcheol’s lips sucked roughly at the side of your neck as he rutted against your ass and low growls rumbled from his chest.

He waited until you were right on your edge to pull his hand away. A whine welled up in your throat but it didn’t make it out as his hand found the middle of your back and pushed you forward, bending you over the couch again. He pulled your thighs a little wider and you felt your eyes roll back and flutter closed as you sunk his cock into your cunt.

“H-H-” No words made it off your lips as he grabbed your hips roughly and thrust into you. Moans fell off instead, one after another as every movement of his hips sent pleasure coursing through you, your legs trembling as you teetered on your edge. His thrusts were edging on rough and quick but deep enough that they made you dizzy, his low groans and growls only adding to the arousal curling tightly in your body.

“G-God you feel so f-fucking good, babygirl,” Seungcheol’s fingers dug even more deeply into your hips. The uneven roughness in his voice only serving to turn you on that much more. “God I r-really can’t resist you. Your pretty, tight pussy. F-Fuck the way you moan for me.”

Your voice was a mix of curses and moans and whines of “please, sir, don’t stop, sir.” Your hands scrambled for purchase in the fabric of the couch, on the edges of pillows as his cock sunk into your heat over and over and you started to clench around him. The sound of his hips hitting your ass mixed with the moans and groans falling from both of you as your toes tried to curl.

“Please, s-sir, I- fuck- I’m-” The words could barely make it off your tongue.

“Cum for me babygirl, cum on my cock.”

You cried out, body shaking as you came hard. Pleasure washed over your body in tidal waves, reaching to the tips of your fingers and toes as you moaned for him. What little strength your arms had gave out and you fully fell into the couch below.

Seungcheol’s hips kept moving, fucking you through your orgasm and into sensitivity. Your legs didn’t stop trembling and your moans died to whimpers as his hips kept moving. Your face pressed into the cushion below and your arms were shaky as he let out breathy groans and growls and a few curses at the feeling. Pleasure started to build inside you again, much more easily but he didn’t bring you to your edge again, pulling out quickly.

His hand grabbed your hair and pulled you to your feet and he spun you to face him. His hands found your hips and you gazed up at him, desperate and nearly drooling as he smirked at you, sweat on his brow making his hair stick to his forehead as his chest heaved and he pulled you across the room.

You gasped as he pushed you into the wall, the hot skin of your back hitting the cool drywall as his lips found yours feverishly. The way he kissed you nearly made your legs give out all on it’s own and your hands scrambled to wrap around his neck until he tugged at his shirt, pulling it off of you and ridding you of your bra as well. He made quick work of his own shirt before grabbing both your wrists in one hand and pinning them to the wall above your head. Your legs trembled as he lifted one and wrapped it around his waist as he ground his cock through your folds.

“Are you too tired, babygirl?” he asked, a teasing edge to his voice.

“No, sir,” you whined breathlessly, giving him a sweet look and struggling to keep your eyes open as he pushed into you again, the new angle drawing a high pitched moan from your lips. He ground his hips into you, smirking as your head fell back to the wall and you tried to ground your hips down for more.

“Still needy?” He cooed.

“Please,” you let the words fall off your lips, any sense of shame long gone. “Please keep fucking me. Please I need your cock, I need your cum, I-” your words turned to moans as he thrust up into you roughly before settling on quick, shallow, movements making you tremble easily from the first thrust.

He moved his lips to your ear, voice rough and verging on a growl. “You need my cum, babygirl? Do you want me to cum deep inside you?”

“Please,” your voice was breathy and high as you curled your fingers in towards your palms and squeezed your leg around Seungcheol’s hip. You pulled weakly at his wrists but he easily held them still, hips snapping into you as low groans fell off his lips until his met yours in messy, desperate kisses.

Your legs trembled, the wall and Seungcheol’s body weight holding you up as a coil started to curl tightly in your sensitive core again. You could barely focus on the kisses, leaving messy moans against his lips as his thrusts grew a little rougher and uneven.

Seungcheol let out a moan against your lips as he released deep inside you. He ground his cock slowly into your cunt and you let out a broken whimper at the feeling of his cum filling you even more, flexing and curling your fingers out as your hips followed his movements greedily, still wanting more.

Seungcheol pulled you leg away from his hip and let go of your hands and you braced yourself against the wall. He let your leg down but was quick to push your thighs apart, dropping down and shooting you a warning look to keep your legs apart for him. You bit down on your lip as he drew his fingers up your inner thigh.

He let out a groan as you felt his cum starting to drip out of you. Your legs were shaky and weak but you did your best to hold yourself up as he brought his fingers to drag through your folds, gathering his cum before fucking it back into your sensitive core. Small whimpers slipped out and you struggled to stay on your feet as his fingers fucked you slowly, your core clenching around them, having a mind of its own.

Seungcheol chuckled as he pulled his hands away and stood in front of you. His clean hand came up around your neck, pressing down every slightly while he pressed his fingers to your lips and you took them into your mouth just the way he wanted. You gazed with heavily lidded eyes into his intense ones, subtly biting the inside of his lip as he watched you suck on his fingers.

“Do you need a little more, babygirl?” His voice was quieter but still had a roughness to it and made you needy cunt clench again as his cum dripped down your thighs. You nodded lazily, giving him a sweet expression and reaching for him to pull him closer to you.

He pulled his fingers from your mouth, pressing into your body with his and kissing you roughly, squeezing your throat just a little more. You kissed him greedily, his own kisses following suit. You grabbed at him weakly and moaned against his lips as he ground his cock against you. Even though your body was tired, your legs felt like they might give out if you stood on them for much longer, you couldn’t help yourself. You were all wrapped up in him and you wanted every little bit he could give you.

Seungcheol’s hands grabbed your waist and you gasped as he pulled you away from the wall and properly into the bedroom. His movements were even more forceful as he pushed you down onto the bed and you couldn't help the lazy smile that tugged at you lips as you gazed up at him, squealing as he pulled your hips roughly to the edge of the bed and lifted your legs, throwing them over his shoulders.

He leaned over you, grinding his cock through your folds and drawing a moan from your lips as his cock rubbed over your clit. “You can’t get enough of me, can you babygirl?” He teased.

“No sir,” your voice came out breathy as you gazed up at him, wanting nothing more than for him to sink his cock back into your core. “Please.”

His hand found your throat again, pressing down lightly. “I give into you too easily,” he said, gazing at you heatedly. “You’re lucky you’re so addicting babygirl. So lucky I’ll never get enough of you.” Both of you let out moans as he pushed into you, your legs trembling from the feeling alone.

“You’re so lucky I need you so badly,” he groaned as he pulled back and thrust into you roughly. “And that having you like this is one of my favourite things, o-otherwise you’d be in so much trouble for being such a needy brat all day.” His voice wavered just a bit as he gave you strong, deep thrusts between pulling out slowly, each one making you cry out in pleasure and struggle to keep looking at you.

“Fuck, watching your tits bounce every time,” his grip on your hips got tighter and his thrusts faster, picking up a steady pace even tough they stayed just as rough. “Feeling your legs shaking in my hands. The way you c-clench around me.” You took in his rough, low voice as he spoke, building back up to his next orgasm.

Your own release built too, the coil in your core curling tighter and tighter with every movement. Your fingers sunk into the soft sheets and gripped them as your head spun and moans poured off your lips. Your mind could barely find the words and make up sentences anymore, so wrapped up in the pleasure he was giving you as his hips snapped into you.

“C-Cu- F-F-F- C-” The words were so hard to get out of your foggy brain but you heard Seungcheol’s breathy chuckle.

“Are you going to cum again, babygirl?”

You let out a whine, trying to find the words in your muddy, hormone addled brain. “Y-Y- Yo- c-c-c-”

Seungcheol leaned over you, his hips driving into you much faster and only his hands on your hips keeping you from being pushed up the bed with the force of his thrusts. “Do you want more of my cum, babygirl?”

“P-Pl-” you managed to nod between moans and struggling with words.

“I’ll give you j-just that, babygirl.” he growled. “You t-take my cum so well how could I resist f-filling you until you can’t take anymore. I know how b-badly you want it. G-God I could fuck you senseless like this every day, f-fucking you full of my cum until you’re carrying my child. Is that what you want, babygirl?”

You cried out, back arching off the bed as you came hard. Your eyes squeezed shut and stars burst behind your eyelids as your body shook. Pleasure crashed over you in a tidal wave, reaching every bit of your body as Seungcheol’s cock kept pounding into you.

Curses fell off his lips as your body kept shaking and whimpers started to fall off your lips. Your whole body felt sensitive and your sounds were high in your voice as your mouth hung open, gaze hazy and eyes barely open and he chased his high, fucking you hard until his hips started to stutter.

He released deep inside you with a loud, low, rough groans. You tried to catch your breath as you felt his cum filling you more and more in thick ropes, his grip on your hips holding you in place as he ground slightly into your heat.

As he started to catch his breath he pulled out of your slowly, wrapping a hand around his cock and watching as his cum started to leak out of your cunt. You felt him bring his cock back to your core and let out a whine, squirming under him as he pushed his cock back in slowly with a breathy groan.

“Fuck you just feel so good,” he said. “I can’t help myself.” He pulled back and let more cum drip out before pushing it back in slowly again. You squeezed your eyes shut, whimpering and pressing the side of your face into the bed and he pulled out, leaning down to press a kiss to your cheek before letting your legs down.

Despite how tired he’d gotten he went to get a washcloth. You listened to his footstep leave and come back moments later, whimpering as he brought the warm cloth between your legs. He hushed you gently, rubbing your hip soothingly as he cleaned you up, taking another cloth to wipe the sweat off your brow and you smiled slightly at how refreshed it made you feel.

As he climbed into bed with you you looked at him blearily and he gave you a soft smile. He helped you move up the bed and pulled you to lay on his chest, rubbing your back gently and pressing kisses to your forehead.

“Do you need anything to eat?” He hummed.

You shook your head, nuzzling into his chest.

“Anything to drink? Or do you want a bath?”

“Nothing,” you mumbled. “Just you. I just want you.”

“Perfect,” he said softly. “Because I just want you, too.”

#I AM SORRY ITS SO LATE #but also im so happy i did this #as much as i had trouble focusing #it's been ages since i wrote anything for cheol #i love him so much you guys #happy birthday sam #seventeen imagines #seventeen smut #svt imagines #svt smut #s coups imagines #s coups smut #seungcheol imagines #seungcheol smut #choi seungcheol imagines #choi seungcheol smut

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5uptic · 3 years

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crewfu: fanfic spotlight!

We work together by Anonymous (5up & DK, unrated, gen | 248 words)

Summary: One likes plants and baking, the other loves to create and design video games. They stay up and create monstrosities together, it's their fun, it's their favourite game. Aka a 5up and Dk roommate au!

No matter how life tangles, I’m still here with you. by hungryandsleepy (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 279 words)

Summary: 5up has been working so hard on his new map, and of course, he needs someone to give him a motivation to go to sleep.

objectively pretty by vesque (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 462 words)

Summary: steve is drunk. he's pretty sure 5up is too. that doesn't mean being called pretty is any less momentuous.

you plus me by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 489 words)

Summary: 5up and Steve meet.

he said to me by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 656 words)

Summary: 5up and Steve share a moment.

by the snowmen by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 670 words)

Summary: Steve has a moment when it's all over.

today you got to know me (a little bit too slowly) by runninohhoney (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 675 words)

Summary: Steve lights up a cigarette. 5up doesn't smoke.

what would it take by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 787 words)

Summary: It's Steve's first mission. He hecks up. Or does he?

sorta cute by floweruru (5up/Steve, unrated, m/m | 822 words)

Summary: ‘I wouldn’t do that,’ he said. ‘That’s just disrespectful,’ he said. Yet there was 5up, crushed like a can in Steve’s embrace, feebly kicking at nothing as his feet leave the pavement.

i was gonna kill u, but ur kinda cute?? by Cthulhuer (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 1k words)

Summary: Steve is a mess and 5up is worse.

I hear a Symphony by AwkwardAce (5up/Fundy, unrated, m/m | 1.1k words)

Summary: He exhaled until his lungs ached for air, fingers twitching as he opted to remove the sleek white gloves he wore in a feeble effort to soothe himself. It didn’t work. He wrung his trembling hands together as his eyes raked down the worn leather case taking in the doodles- some etched some drawn- across the faded surface. He snapped the buckles open and his breath hitched, catching in his already tight throat. For a moment the world span, his head throbbed and he wanted nothing more than to run and hide. 5up breathed out slowly, shakily.

staring by lytriis (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.1k words)

Summary: steve asks 5up out. 5up doesn’t know how to respond.

and it's four am, and yet, you're here by vesque (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 1.2k words)

Summary: in which steve shows up at 5up's house, in the middle of the night, completely spontaneously

more than this by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.2k words)

Summary: Steve catches 5up venting.

3:15 by vesque (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 1.2k words)

Summary: Steve tries to guess Five's name. It's much more difficult than he anticipated.

things were different by fourpebbles (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.5k words)

Summary: His eyes circled around to his friends, Kimi and Janet engaging in pleasant comversation, sleepy and becoming increasingly more sober. He looked, finally, across him, and caught Dumbdog staring at him. What now bro, what did this guy want. small talk, turns into not small talk, then there's no talk

Once Upon A Dream by SmearedWords (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.5k words)

Summary: 5up looks ethereal, while Steve is struggling to breathe. "You're not real either." Or: Steve has a crush and a nightmare in three parts, 5up is tired, the crew life is hard and Polus sucks.

the ones you love will call you back by homeward_bound (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.8k words)

Summary: stevesuptic: dude, is it weird that i miss vegas DumbDog: No? I do too. stevesuptic: okay [steve misses vegas and apollo. they talk about it]

cough it out by cj__writes (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 2k words)

Summary: Apollo thinks that Steve must be well and truly gone, at this point, because he giggles, like Apollo’s just told a particularly funny joke. He looks Apollo right in the eye and asks, “Do you trust me?” “Absolutely not.”

ivy by Secular_Czar (5up/Steve, teen rating, gen | 2.1k words)

Summary: It might be a sad day, in general, but Steve isn't about to let it get to him. His friends won't ever let him wallow either.

The Colosseum by WhenTheFogClears (general rating, gen | 2.1k words)

Summary: Five squinted, looking at the colosseum intensely. He thinks Apollo was latched onto the sphinx’s shoulder, fur matted with blood. Janet was slumped against a column, probably out, with Kimi whose bow was snapped in two, her leg twisted at an odd angle. DK was in the corner trying to cast various supporting hexes and charms with a broken arm, whilst Hafu was dragging a heavily bandaged Steve away. or 5up slaughters a cat

Oneshots :) by woofles1990 (5up/Fundy, 5up/Steve, teen rating, multi | 2.5k words, oneshot collection)

Summary: Just a bunch of MCYT/Among Us oneshots, mainly featuring 5up's crew because yes :)

the adventures of 5up and steve staying up late because they're under 30 by 5280ft (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 2.5k words)

Summary: “The night is young!” Steve yells at the ceiling, throwing his hands up in the air. “Take advantage of it! Commit crimes! Fuck hoes!” Five catches his hands in the air and laughs. “You wish you had hoes.”

unreasonably in love by cj__writes (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 2.6k words, chaptered WIP)

Summary: "It was like pieces of a puzzle, everything coming together. And now, here they are, standing in their apartment, which looks more like a hollow shell than a home, filled solely with scattered boxes and the minuscule amount of furniture that they brought with them to Vegas." Or: what happens after Apollo and Steve move in together.

cant be love by fourpebbles (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 3.5 words, chaptered WIP)

Summary: He had chuckled to himself, he felt so stupid. Who in their fucking minds names a playlist 'sugr?', he thought, internally cringing. A story where a Steve meets an Apollo, and some things happen.

Somewhere in the darkness, us together for a while by tumtummeke (Apollo & Kimi & Steve, teen rating, gen | 3.6k words)

Summary: Apollo worries about Steve. Steve breaks his vape pen. Kimi plays power washer. Self-indulgent angst, with a generous helping of friendship and cuddles.

odyssey by 5280ft (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 23k words, chaptered WIP)

Summary: "First you will come to the Sirens who enchant all who come near them. If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens...they warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. Therefore pass these Sirens by and stop your men's ears with wax that none of them may hear." -Homer, The Odyssey

Also: SilverSprinklez10‘s yupwaves collection.

Summary: This is a Harry Potter AU based on the characters/personas of the youtubers/streamers.

FAQ:

Wait what is this: pretty straight to the point! i’ll regularly share crewfu-related fanfictions to this blog :)

How regularly is “regularly”?: great question! LOL. it depends on the flow of fanfics that get uploaded, which i do not have any control over, but i’m looking forward to do this twice a month. after all, it’s only me doing this and i often run on a tight schedule.

What’s the format like?:

[title of fic with link] by [author of the fic with link] ([main pairing(s), if there is one/multiple], [fic rating: eg, general rating], [relationship: eg, m/m] | [word count in k] ([added prompt to specify if it’s complete or not)])

Summary: [summary provided by the author. if it doesn’t have a summary, a “No summary” prompt will be put instead]

(What does WIP mean again?): Work In Progress :)

Why are you doing this?: from the beginning, my blog has hosted conversations about RPF (real people fiction) and crewfu pairings. this has evolved into people sending me updates about certain fics in the crewfu tags every now and then, but i wanna take the next step and just do these things myself. after all, i’m already lurking in the tags often to see the fics that get posted. as someone who is both a writer and a reader, i wanna appreciate fanfic writers and help out other people that want to read fanfic and consume more fandom content!

Will it be AO3 only?: well, ao3 has a very helpful tag system that makes finding fics incredibly easy, as well as allowing people with no accounts to like and comment on fics, so that’s the site i will personally look in for fanworks. but if there are any fics you’ve written or liked in any other platforms, such as wattpad, you can always contact me through my inbox (send an ask or a dm!), and i’ll make sure to include for the next fanfic spotlight :)

Does it mean you won’t reply to fic asks anymore?: yeah, i guess. since i’ll be doing the searching myself it seems counterproductive. but if i ever skip a fic or again, it’s in another platform, or you’ve posted/read the fic a while ago and you want to get more traction on it, hit me up and i’ll take it into consideration!

Will you read every single one of the fics on your list?: oh no. again, i run on a tight schedule, and also i have my own taste when it comes to fics. i won’t be reviewing fics or any of the sort, and my intention extends to simply sharing these fics to this page so people will have easier access to them :) that’s where ao3 tagging becomes SUPER useful!!!

So what’s the criteria for the way you’ll sort out the fics in your list?: word count, going from lowest to highest. in case of fics in other platforms, i guess i’ll put them at the top of the list. i’ll also be looking for fairly recent fics, so let me know if you want any old-ish fic to be included.

I see you talking mostly about 5up/Steve and Steve/Apollo. Can I still send/see other crewfu fics?: why yes absolutely! my goal is to push every fic which heavily features regular crewfu characters - 5uptic and supdog just happen to be very popular pairings. so, to give you a list: core 4 (5up, hafu, dk, steve), apollo, aipha, annie, janet, kimi, ellum, koji... you know the drill. it doesn’t have to be centered on a relationship, or about 5up in specific, etc. my only requirement is that any of the previously mentioned members are a central part of the fic or are HEAVILY featured in it (sorry, minecraft fics with 50+ tags who only mention 5up as an afterthought won’t make the cut :/).

Isn’t shipping Bad™?: well, it’s a little more nuanced than that. i will go out of my way to discourage and shame people who often violate CCs’ boundaries by acting like so and so has a crush on this person, or that this and that are Actually Into Each Other or secretly dating. any sort of tinhat bullshit is a big nono (think larries). but i run on the assumption that people who write rpf understand that what they’re doing is simply write a completely fictional story using real life personalities, and understand the boundaries necessary to do it - aka they’re not tinhats, they understand they can’t assume everything about CCs’ thoughts and personalities, they understand that what they’re writing is strictly fiction, they keep these works only in fandom circles, etc. (but again, it’s only one me doing this, so please be kind if i don’t happen to know that this person is Actually a tinhat or whatever).

show fic: NO. (seriously. i don’t feel comfortable putting my ao3 account out there. please respect my privacy on these trying times <3)

I REALLY don’t care about your rpf/fic talk: fair! i’ll be tagging every single one of these posts as “fanfic spotlight”, so just mute the tag using tumblr settings so you’ll never have to look at these! likewise, you can follow the tag if you want to keep up with it, or search it on my blog to look at the other entries you might have missed (but this is the first one! lol).

Hey, my fic is here and I don’t feel comfortable with it being shared over here: no problem! let me know as soon as you can and i’ll take it down <3

#crewfu #fanfic spotlight

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perpetuelledaydreaming · 3 years

Text

Illicit affairs- Chapter 8

summary: imagine the met gala but ten times better and in stark tower, that’s it. felicia doesn’t have very good manners and sneaks away with y/n but peter and his friends are on the lookout.

Listen to: Do I wanna know -Arctic Monkeys & bad idea- girl in red

word count: 12k

(author’s notes at the end now)

warnings: s m u t.

series masterlist

(today we change and use a photo of Felicia, although it’s not too accurate in my head)

If there was someone who had an incredible hidden talent, it was MJ. You knew she liked to draw since you first met her, but as time passed you realized that a side effect of her hobby, even if she didn’t like it as much, was that she could do a mind-blowing make-up look without even trying. You had realized this one Halloween that you had spent with Peter and his friends, you had asked her where she had gone to do that makeup-look with glitter tears streaming down her cheeks but she simply shrugged, saying that she had used some of her art supplies and done it herself. After that it was more common than not that MJ would come to do your make-up to every important event that you had to attend, she had even done Pepper’s makeup and soon it became like a side job for her too.

She had such ability with the brushes, knew exactly which colors could match your skin and outfit that you almost became dependent on her, feeling a bit more insecure when you had to do your make-up or even hire someone different than MJ but tonight she was there.

“Do you want me to do the wing?” you asked MJ, glancing at her and searching what was wrong but she simply huffed.

“Shut up, I’m an artist” she grumbled under her breath as she shook her hand a bit and dived right into your eye.

“You are so giddy today” you muttered, which earned you a glare from MJ.

“Well, I’ve never been to a Gala myself or done the make-up for the hostess of the Gala,” she said as she finished one eye and then adjusted her dress.

As always, you were in awe of how MJ looked. Her flawless black skin matched perfectly with the custom silk lame gown that she had decided to wear for the night, it was a halter top but with a nice cut on her middle part that showed a little bit of skin and a long skirt that almost touched the floor. With her tall slender body and perfect tone muscles, she looked like a supermodel.

“No, my dad and pepper are the hosts. I’m just here for the small talk with people they don’t want to talk to and to drink champagne” you answer back as she finished the wing on the other one and you finally managed to open your eyes and see yourself in the mirror.

She had done an exceptional job as always, only mascara missing to finish the look but she had done a great job with the nude eyeshadow with a dramatic wing, she had even added a bit of gold glitter surrounding your eyes so it could match the gold earrings that you decided to wear for the night. You walked towards the mirror and fixed the dress that you had decided to wear. It was a cream Jacquemus backless dress with a slit on the side of your leg, while this time you had decided to wear the charm that held your suit in a classic bracelet usually, you wouldn’t bother that much on dresses on how you looked for these types of events given that you disliked them but tonight was different.

“That makes you the hostess, small talk with people that you don’t like” MJ answer back as she put a bit of blush on her skin and then walked over to you, leaning against your mirror.

“I’ll try to avoid it, especially when Felicia arrives” you answered with a shrug and started to apply your mascara, but not before you notice how MJ began to play with her hands uncomfortably.

You knew it was because you brought up Felicia but, in all honesty, you were more than elated that she had agreed to come.

The last weeks or so had been a rollercoaster. Although you somehow had assured your feelings for the other, you weren’t spending that much time together. Part of it was that you were ordered to stay in bed for a few days, knowing that your injuries were bad and needed time to recover, it wasn’t like Felicia wanted to simply burst on Stark Tower or ask you to move; she would sneak some nights sneak in to see how you were doing before you were officially discharged by Bruce. But then, when you were able to go to her apartment, she would cancel a bit too often for you, arguing that a girl needs to pay the bills (which you assumed was a way to say that she was going to do some work that you didn’t like).

So, you let her be.

Though, the days you did spend together, she was as loving as she had ever been with you. She would cook for you all the healthy foods that she hated but she would eat them with you, even your annoying quinoa salad and green smoothies, which you appreciated. You would spend time watching movies and listening to music together, curating playlists depending on a situation, and talk until early morning hours. She would kiss you too, sweetly and carefully, Felicia even freaked out when you complain after a kiss got a little bit too heated a few days after you had been ‘discharged’; after that she had tried, really hard, to keep the kisses to a PG-rating (much to her dismay).

But then this week had come and she had become a kind of a nervous wreck thinking about the Gala, which for you seemed so out of character for her. She would ask for the program of the night again, and again and who would be there, trying to know how to dress and where everything was. You attributed her behavior to the fact that she was -probably- going to meet Tony and Pepper, and you were coming out to the circle of people you would be surrounded by. Part of her was relieved when she heard that the other Avengers weren’t going to make it to the Gala and you thought it was sweet, she was nervous about how serious you had become.

To ease her nerves, you had insisted to her to go shopping together for a dress or told her to go earlier that day so she could know where everything was, if she was too worried about it, even gave suggested if she would like to come to dinner first with Tony and Pepper so she wouldn’t be too freaked out the day of the Gala. But she had refused, especially regarding the dress; saying that since she was older than you (only two years), therefore the sugar mommy feeling was a little bit off.

You had blushed at her statement but decided to let her be, knowing it was the best thing you could do for Felicia.

“y/n?”

Peter’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts and you turned around to watch him, and it felt like you had almost stopped breathing for a second.

You had seen Peter in a suit a couple of times before but never like this. He seemed taller and also leaner, the sharp suit he was wearing fitted him perfectly, his messy curls were settled down with a little bit of hair gel that pulled them back and to the side but you could tell that the curls would be let loose sooner rather than later. He had a small watch on his wrist, a gift from you and Tony, it had an engraved message “with great power, comes great responsibility” which honored his Uncle Ben. Peter didn’t use it often but when he did, it caused your heart to squeeze on your chest.

And Peter was mesmerized too. Your hair had been pulled down behind your ears, it was sleek and it looked perfectly styled. He could see the blush on your cheeks, the reflection of the glitter on your eyes, and he was, as always, so captivated by how your eyes seemed like constellations accompanied with your long lashes that he felt like he had zoned out. Plus, the dress fitted your body perfectly. It was showing more skin than you usually showed with a small side-boob showing thanks to the asymmetric form of it along with your exposed back. He felt his mouth drying as you turned around shyly towards him, but for him, you looked breathtaking.

“Are you ready?” Peter asked, stammering a bit as he looked away from you towards MJ who was giving him a look. “Tony and Pepper are waiting downstairs for you,” he said silently before looking at you for a second and then at the floor.

MJ snickered a bit before she took her purse and made her way to the door. “Don’t you look dapping” MJ said as she patted Peter on his shoulder and walked out of your room, you guessed she was already looking for Harley.

You both stayed silent for a moment, as you gazed at the other, you blinking owlishly while Peter drilled you with his eyes. Although you weren’t saying anything, you knew what he was thinking about: last time you were dressed this nicely, it had been the last night before you had run away. You would’ve like to avoid the memories, but it seemed inevitable to connect this moment to your last; even more knowing that although it seemed like everything had changed, your heart was still beating for Peter and his was beating for you.

“You look beautiful,” Peter whispered as you walked towards him, he couldn’t even stop himself, and the two of you flushed at his comment.

“Tha-thanks, MJ did the makeup because I have no idea,” you spoke coyly as you ordered HAPPY to turn off the lights and you and Peter walked outside the room, the door closing behind you.

You tried to shake it off, the obvious nervousness that you felt around Peter but it didn’t seem to work as he offered you his arm, so you could hold onto it as you always did.

“Well, she did a great job, you look amazing” Peter said honestly as he glanced at you while you walked towards the elevator. “She’s a lucky girl.”

It had taken all his willpower to actually say those words but he was being truthful, no matter how much it could pain him because, as he had realized the last few days, it only mattered to him that you were safe and happy. The bad thing was, that he didn’t believe you would be safe with Felicia.

For you, the comment hit a nerve. Not only because you knew how Peter felt about Felicia, and you dislike that it might have hurt him to see you with her but also because Felicia had been MIA since early in the morning. You had texted her a good morning text, asking her if she needed anything but she had declined the offer and simply stating that she would see you tonight.

Hours had passed and there was no sign that Felicia was actually coming but you deeply hope she would.

“Yeah…” you muttered with a long sigh, but you quickly changed the topic as the elevator’s doors opened. “I’m surprised you decided to bring Flash as your date.”

“What!?”

“See, MJ is with Harley and Betty with Ned,” you explained to him while you fixed your hair and watch Peter’s bug-eyed expression at your comment “Which leaves you with Flash.”

“That’s not funny.” Peter quickly answered with a glare.

“Oh, because he’s a guy?” you chuckled and placed your hands over your chest, raising an eyebrow and waiting for his answer.

“No!” Peter protested, a little bit offended at your question and then the doors to the elevator opened. “It’s because he’s Flash!”

You both laughed as you exited the elevator and walked towards where the Gala was through a small hallway that Pepper had arranged for only you two enter the building.

The Gala had become an emblematic even for the city, Pepper had come up with it after you had moved from LA and Tony had made the respective and adequate changes to Stark Industries. It was an annual fundraising gala for the benefit of technological advances and charities and it always happened at Stark Tower.

The whole first and second floor of the building were remodeled to fit the event. On the first floor, you would find the red carpet and exhibitions of the work done by the different companies, known scientists, and young people who had the opportunity to present their ambitious ideas and work. It was also a social event, celebrities, journalists, CEO’s and more people would be invited as well. Then, the second floor was where the dinner and the after-party would usually take place.

It wasn’t a wild evening, I mean although Tony would make it as wild as he wanted, it always went nicely and calmed. Even some Avengers would make surprise appearances once in a while, mostly Nat, Steve, Bucky, Sam, and Bruce; Thor had been technically banned after he had too much to drink once. This drew huge media attention for the projects which were extremely important for the fundraiser that took place at the event and so, it had become also somehow the Met Gala of the science community.

It was also the only time that paparazzi would take your photos willingly, although you hated it.

Today was no different, you had to pose with Tony and Pepper on the red carpet that was prepared at the main entrance to the event. The commotion of flashing lights and excited reporters was almost something that you couldn’t get used to after so many years, and although you would normally be complaining to Pepper as Tony did sometimes when he would get bored; Peter would usually woosh in and take photos with you, so paparazzi wouldn’t use the photos with him because magazines didn’t think much of Peter back then, so it was a nice way to ruin some shots. But today was different, Peter was now known to be one of the Star Interns of Tony and he was called on by a reporter, and you were ushered off to take more photos and then by Tony who was excited to see Pepper’s speech.

And as a sea of people separated you and Peter, you decided to focus on Pepper’s speech and Felicia’s whereabouts.

But she was nowhere to be found, disappointed you quickly blended into the crowd and began to do your work. You started saying ‘hi’ and ‘welcoming’ the various people that were invited from celebrities to renowned scientists, you talk to a journalist giving them small interviews and also watch almost every one of the projects from the young students who were allowing presenting that year.

You even talked to people you didn’t like.

You were already saying goodbye to an important human rights lawyer, that was a role model to you since you had started to think about studying law and had been asking her some questions when you heard his taut voice.

“Lovely to see you again Miss Stark, heard you got shot?”

You turned to see Norman Osborn, giving you a tight smile while Harry was behind him winking his eyes and quickly nudging to his dad and rolling his eyes. You knew you weren’t dear on Norman Osborn’s heart, especially when it came to your dad, and you ever wondered why Pepper insisted on inviting him and why he even insisted on coming to the event of someone he hated that much.

But you knew it all came back to business.

Although now, that you knew for a fact -thanks to Felicia and the events lately- that Norman had willingly given Kingpin the formula to his poisonous serum and that Harry had no idea about it; you were even more snarky and irritated to see his face than before.

“Yes, I’m fine now.” You stated curtly as you glanced at Harry for one second, you quickly took a swig of your drink. Mentally begging for this interaction to be over.

“Of course, you are dear,” He snapped with a glare. “With your father’s technology, you wouldn’t respect the hand of destiny. Such a waste of time and resources to play hero” he said as he rolled his eyes.

You gripped your drink a bit tighter and you felt like a vein on your neck had just popped off your neck. It was predictable from your past encounters with Norman Osborn that he would say something like that but as he had so seriously stated that he thought saving your life or being an Avenger was a waste? Was he being fucking serious?

Jerk.

“Careful Norman, your jealousy is showing,” you smirked as you glanced at him uninterested. “Now kindly fuck off”

Norman gapped at your answer, completely blown away that you had actually said that since you usually had been quiet about his usual remarks. His face was red with bulging eyes as the cords of his neck became rigid, completely astound and angry at your comment. You were thankful that you weren’t staying silent anymore as, in a blink of an eye, Norman spun on his heels and walked away from you, leaving you with Harry.

“Always a pleasure!” you yelled at him as he walked away, you couldn’t help the tugging on the sides of your lips and then your attention turned to Harry, who was chuckling. “Your father’s lovely”

Harry looked as good as always and sometimes you wondered how on earth someone could look like that. His sharp jaw and sleek black hair with his almond eyes made him look like a model, a smirk worth a thousand dollars and his chiseled cheekbones made girl’s and boy’s knees weak. Even when he looked as put together as he was at the moment, you could still see a mischievous gleam in his eyes, you guessed the bad boy look couldn’t fade away easily and you couldn’t help to think about the possible rumors on the tabloid if they saw you dancing with him at the party.

“Don’t tell me about it,” Harry stated as he leaned over and pressed a kiss to your cheek, slowly and seductively. “It’s nice to see you again, y/n”

He was always extremely smooth and charming, and always managed to get your heart beating someway although you knew that you weren’t really interested, it was just this aura about him.

“It’s good to see you too, H.” you answered back as you took another sip of your drink while he offered to cheer, you did the same.

As he finished taking a sip of his drink, he walked closer to you. “I’ve missed you in these events, it’s …”

“Draining?”

Harry chuckled, mostly for himself as he often did. “I was going to say annoying as fuck but yeah, that works too.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his comment because it was true if you would like to summarize the feelings for these kinds of events -especially for your role on them and how the media would portray it-, they were annoying as fuck. But honestly, the science part and the charity part were your favorite thing in the world.

You knew that Harry felt the same way as you, the pressure to be the golden child and do everything right, but there was where Harry’s charm laid. Although he could be all of those things because he had everything in his favor, he disliked his father and the pressure so much that he rebelled against it.

And now, it had become part of him to be the bad boy.

So, it didn’t surprise you what he said next.

He leaned over to you, whispering directly on your ear and you couldn’t avoid but to feel a shiver running on your back as he whispered on your ear. “You know, you in that dress is making me think of champagne, strawberries, a bed, and us playing strip poker”

You gave a step back at him, a bit surprised by how confident his statement was, your eyes widened slightly and your cheeks flushed before you shook your head, ready to play it off casually.

But then, you heard Felicia’s characteristic silvery voice behind you.

“Get in line pretty boy,” Felicia stated, her fingernails trailing your back as she defensively wrapped her arm around your waist, glaring a bit at Harry, who rapidly blinked as if he was trying to understand the nature of your relationship with Felicia but it didn’t take him long. “Stark,” Felicia said with a smoky voice.

If you were being truthful, you were always a bit nervous around Felicia, a bit too in awe with her beauty and essence. Sometimes you were worried about how she could suck you in so easily with just a pout but then moments like this reminded you why.

Felicia’s outfit left you breathless, although you recognized it was from Versace and wondered where she had gotten it, you couldn’t avoid feeling tingles through your body. Felicia stunned with the silky lace-trimmed camisole-like minidress she was wearing, she had a dramatic smokey eye with a mate-nude lipstick that suited her perfectly, and to your surprise, she had decided to let her silver hair down and she fixed it in an almost Barbarella-like style but less dramatic that made her look like she belonged to a runway.

You could feel the burning heat on your body.

“Thought you would never come”, you whispered with a smile and before she could even respond, you pressed your lips against hers.

It was a firm but soft kiss, as if you were showing her off finally and claiming Felicia yours, as she had done with you so many times before. But now, you both were as purposeful as you could’ve been, the kiss was so sweet and it seemed like just kissing her that way, you would get a toothache. When you finally pulled apart with a shy smile while Felicia simply smirked, your foreheads pressed together, you felt like you were the only people in the world.

And then Harry spoke.

“That’s so hot” he whispered, you figured it was mostly to himself as he looked at you two wide-eyed and surprised about it.

You could see Felicia rolling her eyes in irritation as you laced your hands together but as soon as she turned around to Harry, she was displaying the cat-like grin that characterized her.

“Would you like to join us?” Felicia purred as she got a little closer to Harry, who seemed like he was about to pass out with Felicia’s words.

“Felicia!”

Peter shook his head and walked away, not wanting to listen to the end of that conversation, knowing that it would just make him break the cup of champagne that he had been holding tightly as he listened to Harry and you even before Felicia arrived. His jaw was still twitching when he walked up to Ned and Betty, whose main spot was the exhibitions that were presented, while Flash would guard the entrance and MJ with Harley would be staying on the drinking station (per Harley’s request) and Peter would be on the dance floor where most of the action would be happening.

But even with a whole plan laid out, Felicia had still managed to fool them.

“Guys she’s here” he whispered through the com as he saw all of his friends snap their gazes as they tried to look for Felicia and you, in the middle of the main floor, talking with Harry.

“How!?” Flash cried through the com. “I’ve been patrolling this entrance all night, what the hell?”

“She’s sneaky, I already told you!” Peter grumbled under his breath, loud enough for a couple of rich old people to stare at him bug-eyed, which he simply answered with an awkward smile and made his way towards where Ned and Betty were.

“What are we going to do now?” Harley asked, Peter could already tell that Harley was tensing up.

For a genius, he wasn’t good at handling his emotions under pressure.

“Just keep an eye on her.” Peter glowered as he finally arrived at where Ned was, trying to find some consolation or ideas that came from Ned who always had some positive thing to say or a good idea to add.

But Ned’s eyes were focused on something behind Peter and the wince he did, as well as Betty, tipped Peter that he should turn around.

“That’s not hard, I think that she just stepped on Harry’s Osborn foot and made him cry” Ned mused as he took a sip from his drink.

Peter watched as you dragged Felicia away from Harry, giving him an apologetic look before you were walking towards the drinking area, where Harley and MJ were.

“Harley, MJ she’s coming your way” Peter whispered, hoping that they wouldn’t be too awkward that you would realize the plan.

Not that there was any serious plan, Peter still wasn’t sure what he was looking for. He wasn’t sure what Felicia would do or if she would even do something, but he knew that she wasn’t good news, he just could feel it in his bones and hoped that at the end of the day, you wouldn’t need to find out if something happened.

He just wanted to keep you safe.

Harley turned around with MJ just in time and he gave a small smile to Felicia and you, who were walking hand-in-hand together. You were bickering a bit because of her reaction to Harry’s comment and how she had stomped on his foot with her sharp heel and she hadn’t even said ‘sorry’ arguing why she would say that to someone that sexualized you. So, you were thankful when your eyes caught MJ and Harley on the drinking station, hoping it could distract Felicia from going back and scratching Harry’s eyes.

“I know you’ve met before but this is Felicia,” you said as Felicia put on a new smile and offered her hand to Harley and MJ. “I wanted you to meet her, officially”

Harley and MJ shook Felicia’s hand cheerily, but you could feel how Harley and MJ tensed up. You could feel their anxiousness dripping from Harley’s eyes and you knew that it wasn’t normal. Harley, for a scrawny boy like him, was a bit too smug, too smooth, too relaxed for him to be acting this way.

“It’s so nice to meet y/n friends,” Felicia said playfully as she wrapped an arm around your waist and smirked up to Harley and MJ, who barely gave her a genuine smile.

“Yeah, sa-same” Harley let out, words stumbling against one another as they left their mouths.

MJ simply nodded and added a small ‘for sure’ with a honeyed voice that you knew didn’t quite fit MJ and something felt off. You frowned at their interaction, surprised mostly by how stiff they were. Did they have a problem with Felicia? You knew that Harley was certain about Felicia’s identity, not that you had discussed it but he wasn’t dumb and it made you wonder if he was feeling the same thing that Peter had told you about.

But you brushed it off, knowing that it wouldn’t be a good thing to keep Felicia there.

“I’m going to take you dancing” you offered to Felicia who gave you a gleaming smile, her cheeks tainted by a cloud of small pink dust, and you quickly dragged her off from your friends.

Your mind started whirling, wondering what was wrong with Harley and MJ? Harley had always been nothing but supportive regarding your relationship with Felicia, hell he was supportive of everything you did. MJ too, she never judged but you’d seen her acting strange since the start of the day.

“What’s wrong?” Felicia said a little bit unsettled as you turn to look at her.

But you simply shook your head, muttering a small ‘nothing’ but you couldn’t help yourself and you looked back at your friends, noticing them whispering something to themselves and you wished that you could put your suit right there and then to listen to their thoughts but knowing it was unreasonable, you decided to turn around, just in time to bump into Tony and Pepper.

You stopped dead in your tracks, your heels barely squeaking in the hallway as the two heads snapped in your directions. The first being Tony’s and the second being Peppers, who seemed to be discussing something together but the conversation immediately ended when they saw you.

“Oh,” you muttered as Tony and Pepper’s gaze down to see you, hand in hand with Felicia.

“Oh?” Tony answered back as he curved his eyebrows while he watched Felicia for a second and then his gaze went to you.

It wasn’t like you brought Felicia by surprise, you had been told weeks ago that she could come. Either way, this was a newfound territory, Peter seemed to be the only possible person you would introduce to your parents in that manner and it didn’t even count because they had known him before. Charlie was a no-go from the start, knowing deep down that you wanted to keep that friendship or relationship for yourself since you both knew it wouldn’t go pass that. But then Felicia seemed to be someone where you could, maybe, go to the next step.

“Well, y/n aren’t you going to introduce us?” Pepper said, her startled look brushing off and giving entrance to the characteristic warm smile she always wore.

Before you could even answer, Felicia’s charm was on.

“It’s so lovely to meet you Mrs. And Mr. Stark”, she smiled brightly at Pepper as she shook her hand and give her two kisses on her cheek, slightly making her voice higher than what it usually was.

“Lovely to meet you too, it’s so nice to finally meet you.” Pepper said, completely charmed by Felicia’s attitude and she quickly nudged Tony with her elbow on his ribs so he could say ‘hi’ as well, for some reason he had to stare at Felicia as if he was trying to figure out something.

You hoped it was just a parental instinct.

“We are so glad you are here; we’ve been trying to meet you but missy here was keeping you under wraps.” Tony offered Felicia his hand and she shook it firmly, with a bright smile but with the same intense gaze that Tony had in his eyes.

You chuckled at Tony’s comment, hoping it would dissipate any kind of suspicion, not that it seemed to be very successful. Pepper followed your lead and so did Tony and Felicia.

“Can’t imagine why” Felicia muttered between laughs and you feel your cheeks flushing at her comment, giving her a warning look, which she just shrugged off by kissing you on the cheek.

It made you smile.

“Okay, we are going to dance so, I’ll let you be” you announced as you realized that Tony and Pepper were still staring, quickly dragging her to the dance floor.

It wasn’t a huge dance floor, tables were surrounding the small space that was farther from the reception where everyone was and there was a small stage set up in front of you, at the moment there was just a talented pianist taking the lead. A few people were dancing, much of them were way older than you and the ones that were old enough to care about what you were doing (especially journalist) as they saw you entering the dance floor, widened their eyes.

You quickly offered Felicia your hand and she reached out, accepting your hand before you were pulling her out onto the dance floor. You caught a few people watching you but you didn’t care, you quickly placed your hands-on Felicia’s shoulder and she placed her cold hands against the skin that showed from your torso and hips. You began to sway together to the soft music playing from the piano.

“You think they notice?” Felicia asked you softly, pulling you a bit closer.

“Not at all” you lied, knowing that there might’ve been something that Tony was suspicious of, but you didn’t want to scare Felicia.

“Your dad seemed a little bit weird out,” she continued. “But I couldn’t tell if it’s because I’m a girl or because he recognized me”

“He didn’t” you assured her looking at her firmly, but you melted as she smirked at you, her eyes gleaming as you played with a strand of her hair. “Okay, but the silver hair doesn’t help”

Felicia gasped jokingly, causing you to chuckle a bit.

“Hey” Felicia complained, as she pulled you a bit closer while biting her lip. “You love the silver hair and more when it’s down”

Which was true.

“My bad” you answered with a fond smile, pressing your forehead against hers.

You kept swaying to the music, bodies pressed together as Felicia held you and guided you to the music. It felt like you were the only two people in the room, you mostly tried to keep your eyes closed, not wanting to disturb your daydream, although it was hard with the whispers of some surprised observers as they arrived on the dance floor and saw you dancing with a girl. Nonetheless, you stayed focused on Felicia’s touch on your skin, on the music that was overflowing your senses, and to the smell of cotton candy.

The only thing that woke you up from the trance you were in was Felicia’s fidgeting, you finally opened her eyes on the third time she had removed her hands from your body for about ten seconds.

“What’s wrong?” you asked her with a frown, to see Felicia’s lips pinched into a fine line.

“Everyone’s watching”

You turned around and it was true, it seemed like the majority of the party were whispering from the tables and looking into the dance floor, even Tony and Pepper seemed a bit stunned by how close you were with Felicia. You could feel Felicia’s shoulders tensing up as she watched everyone, you knew this wasn’t part of the deal when Felicia had agreed to come with you.

“Hey, it’s okay. Let’s go and eat something” you muttered as you carefully place your hand on her jaw and pulled her gaze back to yours.

Felicia shook her head and gave a step back, as she swallowed hard and then look down. It seemed as if the hairs on the nape of her neck had standup and although you could seem a gleam of regret, she was visibly done.

“Do you mind if I go to the bathroom really quick?” she asked, with a small voice and not looking at you.

You couldn’t hide your disappointment but you couldn’t blame Felicia and her discomfort. You sighed, mentally cursing everyone in the room who was making Felicia feel uncomfortable, and you felt your stomach twisting with guilt for putting her in the spotlight, something that she had never asked.

“Sure, I’ll wait for you” you answered with a slight smile, but looking at her with worried.

Felicia didn’t stutter or doubted, she quickly let go of you and walked off, some people were still looking at her as she exited the dance floor and then the room, but the gazes were still on you who remained on the dance floor. It felt a bit awkward as you stood there, all alone, and you felt kind of ridiculous.

You looked down for a second and decided that getting a drink was your best bet for not feeling dumb or guilty but before you could give another step, you bumped into Peter.

“Want to dance?” Peter offered, looking at you expectantly and you faltered.

Your eyes linked with Peter’s, who had his eyes twinkling as he looked at you with a warm smile and you felt like melting right then and thereby all means. You didn’t even felt the need to say anything to Peter, you simply took his hand and he stepped towards you, reaching to the small of your back and you held your breath as his fingertips touched your exposed skin. Then, he firmly took one of your hands in his, which he placed on his chest while you started to sway to the music. You wrapped one of your arms around his neck and felt the heat coming from Peter’s body.

As always, you felt at home in his arms with the smell of honey and cinnamon wrapping you in.

“You look really good today” you finally said to Peter, as you looked up to him.

Peter had been looking behind you and your voice snapped you out of it, he was trying to figure out where Felicia was or if she was coming back, but there were no signs of her. So, he decided to simply enjoy having you in his arms and smiled.

“Just today?”

You smiled. “You know what I mean,” you muttered as you laid your head on his chest, so he couldn’t see the small sprinkling of red to dust across your cheeks.

“Well, you look especially beautiful today,” Peter added before he stepped away and let go of your back, spinning you around under his arm before he pulled you in.

You laughed as you looked at Peter dreamily, as you remember that a part of you had wanted this to happen for a long time when you were younger. It would be almost two years since you had skipped town but there you were, harboring feelings for Peter Parker and his caramel curls with chocolate eyes, trying to push them down but now it was because you had a relationship.

“Are you having a good time?” you asked him, trying to keep your thoughts in line.

Peter nodded as he looked around. “Yeah, food is nice and some people wanted to talk to me when they realized I’m Tony’s intern”

“Well, you are the best intern,” you answered honestly with a shrug, causing Peter to give you a smug smile to which you replied almost immediately with a roll of eyes. “Don’t tell Harley I said that”

“I won’t,” Peter promised as he pulled you closer to him, he could feel he was getting overwhelmed by the characteristic vanilla smell that always surrounded you, he had you in his arms and he couldn’t help himself to ask. “Do you really think that?”

You looked at him while tilting your head as if he had asked something so obvious to you that you were surprised that Peter didn’t already know.

“You know how I feel about you,” you found yourself saying before you could stop yourself.

Peter stared at you for a minute as if you’d lost your mind by saying what you had said. He seemed so confused by the sudden second of honesty, that it made you wondered if you had screwed up again and you felt panic washing your body. But as Peter saw how alarm you’d gotten, he decided to change the topic.

“And you?” he asked before spinning you around again.

You thanked him mentally for that and give him a small smile, which he nodded to it.

“What about me?”

Peter sighed, not wanting to bring Felicia up to this moment after you had said that but he felt like he had no other choice. He groaned and then dipped his head down to your shoulder. You chuckled and placed your hand in the back of his neck, playing with his baby curls before he stood back up straight.

“Are you having a good time, with…” Peter said but his words tapered off, not wanting to say her name.

You could see how his jaw clenched but you simply rolled your eyes, thinking that Peter was somehow just being dramatic.

“You can say her name, you know?” you joked but as you look at Peter and how to set his jaw was, you felt like he was being serious.

And he was.

“I know, I just don’t want to,” Peter said bluntly and you frowned at him. “My Spidey sense just goes off.” He said with a shrug.

“Well, that’s uncalled for,” you shot at him with a haughty expression.

Peter cocked his head as he looked at you, and you felt the anger bubbling up on your chest. He seemed condescending and you hated it, you hated that he was watching you from this pretend high road.

“It’s not,” Peter grumbled.

You didn’t say anything right away as you glared at Peter, you knew Felicia was a sensitive topic but you hadn’t witness Peter this pressed or being so blunt about your relationship with Felicia. You wondered if it was because he had seen you dancing with her or just because he still didn’t like her but you didn’t need this at the moment.

“Are we going to do this again Peter?” you asked him while raising your eyebrow as if challenging him.

And Peter, who feel sheer annoyance at Felicia that stemmed from his bad feeling about her was ready to go.

“I think we need to,” Peter answered bluntly. “I just don’t trust her, y/n.”

You chuckled ironically and looked away before your eyes came back to his, the audacity. “Well, I do Peter and if I remember correctly, no one’s asking you.”

Peter shook his head at your response, feeling a bit more annoyed at how stubborn you were being. Not that he wasn’t aware that you were already stubborn.

“I know you make fun of my senses,” Peter started, as he gave you another spin, you followed his lead but you were glaring at him under your lashes. “But I’m telling you there’s something wrong and dangerous with her.”

“Peter you need to stop,” you growled under your breath as Peter rolled his eyes and tried to spin you again but you pushed him back a bit.

Peter winced at the gesture and you could feel your heart aching at Peter’s behavior, part of you felt guilty but another part of you was just hurt that he didn’t try to keep his comments to himself. Peter was the kindest person you knew, but the jealousy or whatever he was feeling about Felicia and how he tried to just throw rocks at your relationship with Felicia, simply felt just mean.

“y/n, you know I can’t let you be in danger” Peter answered honestly, and yes, you could sense the fright in his voice and see the gleam of uneasiness in his eyes, but it wasn’t fair to you.

“I’m not!” you snapped at him; a little bit louder than what you would’ve liked.

“But you are!” Peter answered with the same strength and you hoped that no one had heard you. Both of you were breathing heavily and by that point, the tension could be cut with a knife as you glared at the other but then Peter simply sighed, letting go from your body and watched you sheepishly. “and I can’t stay silent while I watch you get-what?”

You frowned at Peter’s behavior. “Peter?”

Peter swallowed hard and then his eyes traveled to the entrance, where Flash was shaking his head as he looked anxiously at Peter. He closed his eyes, knowing that after this you might even get angrier with him, probably more than what you’d ever been but at that moment he didn’t care.

Felicia had disappeared and it was a risk.

“Where’s the last time you saw her?” Peter asked as he placed his fingers on his ear, trying to listen better at the com and he watched as it dawned on you what he had been doing.

The disappointment in your eyes and then how they were washed with anger made Peter winced.

“Are you kidding me?” you snapped at him, trying to take the com out of his ear so you could talk but Peter grabbed your hands strongly, you cursed to yourself that you couldn’t overpower him at the moment or take out your suit.

People began to stare at the both of you, as you twisted your wrists to get off from Peter’s hold but it was getting harder and harder, Peter trying to listen through the com to whatever Harley was saying.

“What do you mean she isn’t here?” Peter growled under his breath and then looked back at the edge of the dance floor where Flash was, you followed his gaze and quickly groaned, annoyed that all of your friends were in this together.

“Let. Me. Go!” you said as you gritted your teeth while turning to him with eyes blazing with heat, and Peter, who was gazing at you regretfully, took his hold off of you.

You pushed Peter aside and then walked towards Flash, who had this haunted expression on his face as he saw you coming his way, clearly intimidated by you.

“Give me that Flash,” you growled at the boy who was looking at you sheepishly. “I don’t want to ask twice” you threaten while raising your eyebrow and wiggling your fingers so that Flash could give you the com.

He didn’t hesitate, and you quickly put the earpiece on your ear and pulled out the wire from his shirt so you could talk to them.

“All of you need to back off, now.” You growled at them, clearly angry at what your supposed friends were doing. It seemed so extreme for them to have this whole spy thing going on to keep you away from Felicia, and it hurt. It hurt that after everything, after how much you had grown, it seemed like no one really cares about or trusted you and your choices. And you wanted to only be angry -you really did- but the words that Peter told you and how sincere they were, you felt trepidation as you thought about Felicia being loose at Stark Tower; you couldn’t help to ask. “Where was the last time you saw her?”

Peter turned from his place on the dance floor, a frown on his face and he felt somehow relief that he could hear that you were concerned about Felicia’s whereabouts too.

“She was in the bathroom,” you heard Betty’s voice in the com. “But then she just disappeared”

“I followed her there but she wasn’t on the stalls, she just sneaked out,” MJ followed but then Harley interrupted them.

“Just saw her at the edge of the entrance to the elevators,” Harley added and before he could say anything else, you walked away.

You didn’t know what you were going to catch Felicia in as you tried to move through the crowd of people on the gala, as you walked outside and glared at Harley and MJ who were watching you sorrowfully, clearly feeling shitty about what they had done but you passed by them as you walked towards the entrance to the elevators. The thing about Felicia was that most of the time, you did trust her -most of the time- but no matter how much you tried to assure yourself the same thing, you knew there was always Peter’s voice in the back of your head, saying you that she was trouble.

And you knew that it would always somehow hunt your relationship with Felicia. It’s not like she had said anything or anything she did, it was the feeling that came along with it. Her world moved too fast and her love seemed to burn too bright, but for you, how on earth is someone that was basically the opposite of what you were pulled in like she did? Even if sometimes it felt off.

“What are you doing here?” you asked Felicia, louder than you expected as you caught her against the wall while she was fixed her shoe. She was at the edge of the private entrance that Pepper had made for you to go to your apartment, it was supposed to have a guard but the person was nowhere to be found.

Felicia seemed a bit stunned as she heard you and quickly straightened herself, placed her small bag on her shoulder, and fixed her skirt. “Didn’t know it would take you so long to realize I was gone, it’s even upsetting, you know?”

You cut her game off quickly as you placed your hands on your hips and glared at her. You knew she liked to play games; it was rather obvious by now that she wouldn’t give you a straight but either way you still gave it your best shot.

“Why aren’t you at the party?” you asked her again and Felicia, who didn’t answer immediately, though the expression in her eyes grew hard to read. Her hands quickly settled on your waist and tugged you forward.

“Isn’t it obvious?” she breathed out as she gazed at your lips, but you were still glaring at her. Felicia simply rolled her eyes and before you knew it, Felicia threw you back against the wall into a bruising kiss.

You felt a bit stunned for a second but then you just let go. There was something about the kiss that was so intoxicating. Her lips were softer than ever, she tasted like champagne and cotton candy. You could feel how her hands were wondering your body and before you knew it, she was raising your skirt and pulling one of your legs up so you could wrap it around her waist. Her hands trailed then under your dress, the cool of her fingers on your inner tight made goosebumps dance across your skin. It was right then when you felt the spark of heat between your legs, you knew you were getting turned on too.

And for some reason it made you snap.

You pulled away from her and Felicia let out a soft whine of protest. Both were breathing heavily, and you could see Felicia’s lipstick all over her mouth but she was watching you with a cat-like gaze. It was right then and there were you realized that things were about to go a lot farther than what was usually intended,

“Are you drunk?” you asked her with a frown.

But Felicia shook her head. “No,” she answered honestly and her eyes flickered to your lips, her gaze darkened. “I just want you”

Before you knew it, she had her lips against yours again, tongues dancing as you let out small whimpers. You tangled your hands in her hair, nearly moaning at the feeling of her breasts against yours, you were so incredibly pressed together as you’d ever been. Felicia started to play with the rest of your dress, almost wanting to take it off and you smiled into the kiss as you tried to stop her but it was getting too hot. How her hands were loosely trailing your exposed torso, electricity dance under her skin, and then Felicia placed her knee up between your legs, nearly making you moan extremely loud.

You didn’t know if it was the champagne or the fact that the anger that you’d felt minutes ago was somehow fueling the encounter, how somehow you wanted to show that Peter was wrong. Felicia was yours and you were Felicia, there was no reason to think otherwise, and so, why you needed to wait longer?

Therefore, you didn’t hesitate when Felicia said something else. “Can we go up to your room?” she asked, it almost sounded like a whine as she touched your body.

And you simply nodded before you took her hand and pulled her into the elevator, continuing to kiss and moan and giggle as you pressed her against the elevator. It felt like something shifted as you entered the penthouse and walked her to your room.

The moment you were inside, Felicia pressed had you pressed against the wall, hands tangled in your hair as she kissed your back and began to undo your dress as quickly as she could, without ripping it. You moaned loudly as the dress finally pooled down on your feet and Felicia pressed hot open-mouth kisses to your back until she reached the small of your back and played with the thong that you had decided to wear.

“Such a pretty girl,” Felicia muttered, mostly to herself and you moaned at the thought of Felicia liking dirty talk. “And all mine”

You just whimpered at her comment, you wanted it so badly. So, you turned around and pulled Felicia by her neck up and began to undress her, leaving a trail of clothes on the floor while you drove her back to your bed. You both were just on your thongs by the time you fell onto your bed, and you quickly take the lead as you kissed her while you placed yourself on top, you then decided to press your tight between her legs this time, immediately pressing upwards and making her groan against your mouth but she quickly ground on your tight while you watched her in wonder.

Felicia’s body was perfect, you had seen her with little clothes on but this was a whole different thing. Having her on your bed, exposed as she whimpered and moan, because of your actions was a completely new feeling. Her skin was soft and dark, her hair was tousled and falling haphazardly across her face and spread on the bed, her plump breasts were bouncing by the way she was moving against you, the curve of her hips encased in the tiny black panties she was wearing, made you feel like you wanted to cry.

It would be your first time with a girl and somehow you froze, maybe just because you were just awe-struck by Felicia’s beauty or just because of the sheer fear that you could fuck this up. Felicia realized it soon and quickly raised from her place in the bed and stood from the place where she was, taking your hand and holding it tightly.

“y/n, don’t be afraid”

You simply shook your head, swallowing. “I just really want you,” you panted breathlessly and Felicia winced at your comment but before you could ask her what was wrong, her eyes shifted to your exposed breast and began to hungrily kiss them.

You massaged her scalp as she administered all the attention and devotion to your chest and you quickly fell backward, your head hit the pillows behind it as Felicia pressed herself against you. You couldn’t help to squirm and yelped as Felicia’s lips latched onto your right nipple, sucking it harshly before she changed over to the other. You were heaving and letting out small sighs as Felicia dig her fingers into the flesh of your hips and thigh, your core was dripping as you looked down to see Felicia’s eyes trained on your reaction.

She smirked as heard you whining about her stopping, she quickly pressed her lips firmly against you, her tongue playing with yours before she spoke.

“Tell me how bad you want it,” she whispered as her lips ghosted over yours but you only moaned as you felt her hardened nipples against yours.

“Hardy, don’t tease.” You complained as you cupped her face and pulled her down roughly for another kiss but she quickly pulled away with a mischievous smile.

“Come on Stark,” she panted as she looked at you. “I want to watch you beg”

You were pretty sure your mind snapped after that.

Before you knew it, Felicia pressed her digits to your clothed clit and you couldn’t help but to roll your eyes to the back of your head and opened your mouth at the sensation, but you wanted more. But you simply whined, not wanting to actually say anything but Felicia shook her head.

“Say it” she rasped.

“Please, touch me” you finally begged as you squirmed under her touch.

It was such an unbelievable turn on to hear Felicia’s dark laugh before she slipped her hand into your panties, stroking your entrance with her fingers as she nipped your earlobe. Your breath hitched, and you moaned, holding onto the sheets of your bed as she pumped a finger, and then two inside of you as she worked on your wetness. You gasped in bliss and soon you were arching your hips to get closer to her hand as waves of fire passed through your body, she was so good to you.

She was pressing against all your sensitive spots as she placed hot kisses on your mouth and wherever she could, it didn’t take too long for you to scream her name, your walls flittered around her fingers and your breath began to come in ragged pants. You didn’t know exactly how it happened since you were feeling so busy as she administered all the attention to your core, but soon your mouth found Felicia’s shoulder and before you knew it you bite into her skin, she whimpered and moaned at your reaction.

“Fuck…” she moaned as she dipped her head onto your shoulder, having to stop one second.

And you felt able to breathe again and before Felicia could protest, you switched positions and quickly took Felicia’s arms and placed them over her head.

She giggled.

“Didn’t take you for a top, y/N!” she screamed at the end as you placed two fingers on her core without much anticipation and began to administer the same care to her as she had done for you.

You pushed Felicia’s panties off her legs and spread her legs wider, you wanted to watch how she came undone under you. It was almost hypnotic how your fingers would get lost on her core and how you would be touching her in all the right spots, you then pressed on her clit with your thumb and it just made her moan louder, you went deeper and incomprehensible noises left Felicia’s lips. It was just too much and before you knew it, you simply dived down between her legs.

Felicia tasted like candy and you hummed into her core as you buried your mouth inside of it, tongue on her entrance and making her scream your name. You quickly placed your hands under her legs and grabbed her hips tightly as you continued administering attention to her core, with so much love and care that it seemed like you would die if you weren’t pleasuring her. Then you wrapped your lips around her clit and flicked it with your tongue before you continue to kiss her and in that second one of her hands flew to your head, tugging your hair.

You smiled as you watched her edging, you quickly decided to touch and grab her butt, pulling her in even closer. But before you knew it, Felicia was raised from her position ad pulling away from you, she grabbed you by your chin and captured your lips into a vulgar kiss, her tongue tangling sensually with yours.

But you pulled away. “I wanted to make you cum,” you panted as she licked her lips, tasting herself before she shook her head.

“I’ll make you cum first,” she whispered before she threw you against the bed, a little bit too harsh. “It’s an order,” she said and you felt a shiver ran down your spine because of the anticipation.

Felicia smiled, you could see her cheeks flushed pink and her cat-like grin as she placed a peck against your lips and began to kiss your body, from your chest to your middle to your core. The way Felicia was licking you, sucking you, seemed like too much. You might’ve screamed, moaned, gasped, or all three at once, maybe you whined but you couldn’t remember. It almost seemed like you had blacked out by how she was kissing you down there, how she was pressing on your clit and fucking you with her mouth.

It wasn’t like when Peter had already done it but for obvious reasons, this seemed more intense. The way Felicia was so purposefully working on you, had you gasping for air. It was wild, just like Felicia was, it was pure heat and fire, sweat dripping from your naked skin as Felicia held you down so hard that she probably left bruises. She knew what she was doing to you and it became more than obvious that she wanted to keep going as you felt the fire pooling on your stomach and your legs began to shake, it didn’t take long for you to feel yourself clenching and shuddering around Felicia’s tongue or fingers and you started to come apart at the seams.

Felicia smiled as she felt it and look at you screaming her name, everything exploding with fire as wave after wave of your orgasms seized your body. White light danced on your vision and ripples of blinding pleasure erupted through your body. Your breath was labored as Felicia came back up and pressed her lips against yours, while you tried to catch your breath and slowly drifted back to earth after your release.

“You were so good,” Felicia whispered as she placed small kisses over your body and then quickly stood from the bed into the bathroom of your room.

You were still trying to recover as you watched her naked body entering the bathroom and then heard how she used the sink before she came out with a towel and carefully cleaned you. You smiled at Felicia who quickly put her underwear on and began to look for her dress while you watched her from the bed.

It was such a completely new experience for you, that you were still a bit in awe about what had happened, you quickly put on your underwear and wrapped the towel around your torso while Felicia looked at herself in your large mirror while she fixed her make-up and her dress. Part of you was extremely happy that it had finally happened but then, another part of you wished that Felicia could just stay in bed and talk to you about it.

“That was…” you started, hoping that it would pull her in.

But both of your heads snapped at the loud noise coming from your door. There was knocking a loud, knocking on your door and as the seconds passed it became almost violent.

“y/n?” Felicia asked as she took her jacket and her pursed and walked back to one of the corners of your room, the one farther away from your door.

You frowned at the incessant knocking and quickly took the towel off, running to get your dress and putting it on as the pounding continued. You were still trying to zip your dress and jumped when you finally got close to the door and ordered HAPPY, your AI, to open the door.

As the door opened your eyes widened as you looked at Peter barging into the room. Peter glanced at you and he stayed still for a moment, he could tell almost immediately and it felt like someone had just punched all the air out of his lungs. He saw your disheveled hair and how your dress wasn’t fully zipped, he could also see the messy blankets behind you on your bed and he had to close his eyes for a second, otherwise, he was sure he would’ve broken something at the moment.

He hated it, Felicia had been successful at sucking you in and now Peter knew why.

He finally opened his eyes and decided to get back to what he was doing, he shot a glare at Felicia.

“Felicia,” Peter growled as he walked closer to her while Felicia took a defensive stance.

Before he could get somehow closer, you walked in front of Peter and stopped him. Firmly placing a hand on his chest and pushing him back, defending Felicia.

“What do you want, Parker?” you growled at him but Peter didn’t place the attention on you, instead he stared at Felicia disdainfully.

Peter didn’t want to talk to you about it, if his wishes came true, you wouldn’t even be in the room right now. It was taking all his willpower not to drag you out of the room and lock you out before he began to try to capture Felicia, he just didn’t want to hurt you in the process.

“Give it back, Felicia.” He growled once more and you could see his hands forming into fists, he was holding it so tightly that you were sure that Peter would get moon marks on his palms.

But you brushed the thought off as the words of Peter dawned on you. You frowned at Peter’s comment and you turned towards Felicia, who was giving another step back as she defensively looked at you.

“What are you talking about?” you asked Peter coldly, while your eyes were still linked to Felicia’s greyish-purple eyes.

“Your girlfriend stole the repulsor prototype!” Peter snapped at her and you felt your heart sinking on your chest. “I checked the security footage; she stole it and she’s going to give it to-”

“Shut up!” Felicia’s angry scream cut off Peter as you could feel your head shaking automatically at Peter’s accusation.

There was no way Felicia had done it, otherwise, it would mean that nothing that had happened with you was true, that the feelings that you were harboring with Felicia were based on a lie, that she had never cared or loved you, that Peter was right, that she was only using you.

And then your eyes fell onto her hands and how hard and tight she was holding her small bag.

“Felicia…”

The way Felicia’s eyes were almost tearing up, how she glanced away from you wanting to avoid your gaze and her chin began to tremble. It was almost palpable the regret on her, the guilt seemed to be eating her alive and you felt like you wanted to vomit.

“Felicia, tells me it’s not true,” you whispered once more as you looked at her, you felt your tears pooling in your eyes but Felicia didn’t move. “Answer me!” you screamed at her, it ripped through your chest and it was so loud that both, Felicia and Peter, jumped at your reaction.

Peter could feel the weight of your emotions on his shoulders, he knew that he had fucked up by bringing you into this but there was no other way, Felicia was on a mission and Peter couldn’t allow her to finish it.

“Felicia, you don’t have to go to Kingpin,” he offered while he stepped forward to where you were standing but Felicia simply chuckled ironically.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about Spidey” she spat at him while she quickly took a defensive stand and let her heels on the floor, she was ready to fight.

But Peter wanted nothing of the sort.

“We don’t want anyone getting hurt,” he insisted but before he could add something, both Felicia and you spoke.

“Too late for that,” Felicia’s silvery and wobbly voice said at the same time with your wavery and soft voice.

You looked at each other with so much hurt in your eyes that you wanted to explode into tears right there and then but the anger and the rage were too much. The feeling of betrayal ran through your body like fuel and before you knew it, you were tapping your breacelet and the nanobots began to spread on your arm and before you knew it, you were shooting your repulsors at Felicia.

Felicia, as talented as she was, quickly dodge your shots but soon Peter took out his webs and began to fire them as Felicia tried to avoid both of your attacks on her in your room. You tried not to care as you would blow up a part of your room, simply wanting to catch Felicia before she did something stupid but before you knew it, she was placing the sleeves of her suit. Her claws appearing from one moment to another as she secured the bag across her body and began to perform a serious act of gymnastics while she tried to avoid you.

Peter managed to get one of Felicia’s ankle’s as she finished performing a backflip to dodge one of your repulsors shots but when she fell onto the floor, she swiftly glanced down at the web and cut it with her nails before she was avoiding your hits too, in one second you fire your window, destroying part of your room and also allowing the cold wind of November to hit you, but Felicia smirked at your mistake.

“Don’t go Felicia”, you growled at her but she simply glanced at you with red eyes.

Before you knew it, she was taking the repulsor out of her bag, the gauntlet where Harley and Tony had decided to place the repulsor for more standard trials on her hand. She placed it on hers and before you knew it, she was pointing at you.

You weren’t wearing your full suit at the moment, simply your arms but Felicia just closed your eyes and looked away, then she fired at you. Peter realized it and quickly tried to grab you so he could avoid you getting blown up but he was too late, your fingers brushing before the explosion sent you off to different parts of the room. Your body hit the wall, hard, you felt your head bouncing against it and then you fell onto the floor that was filled with debris and broken glass.

Your vision turned blurry and the last thing you remembered was Felicia watching you from the window before she quickly jumped out, then everything turned black.

***

taglist: @spideylovin @fandomtrash100 @soullessbabee @liljennyx3

***

i’m so sorry for the delay and like for the typos you might find in this chapter bUT IT’S FINALLY UP AND WE HAVE ONLY TWO CHAPTERS LEFT. I had to cut this chapter so I could make the next one a bit longer and this one shorter, next one we are getting a reveal and also tears and post break up glow.

Last chapter didn’t got any reblogs or notes but it was okay because it allowed me to take my time to write this one and part of the next one. Although Im really excited to see what are your thoughts about the smut with Felicia and Felicia in general. Only one of you saw it coming I think hehe. But i’m really happy about the fact that we only have to chapters left. I love to hear your theories. and i’m always really happy that you are enjoying this with me and i hope you are happy with this chapter, either if you are team felicia or team peter.

as always, the new sneek peak for the next chapter is going to be on. the masterlist if you want to see what’s coming next!

please please please let me know your thoughts and opinions on this chapter and if you have ANY theories or comments I would love to see them!!! I’m already so happy with the love you have given to the last chapters, I really hope you like it! any feedback is well received and thank you so much!

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theimprobabledreamersworld · 3 years

Text

No One Else But You.

I’ve got another Analogical one-shot! I was listening to ‘If You Feel (The Way I Do)’ by Reliably Bad and I couldn’t help but picture it as Virgil and Logan :) This is following a prompt from Analogical Week!

It’s a bit longer than my last two stories, and it’s a little more complex in its narrative so I hope it works :’) and I really hope you like it!!

Taglist: @psychedelicships @edupunkn00b @jwillowwolf @look-ma-im-on-tv @kacklingisanart

If you would like to be added to the taglist, just let me know! :D

No One Else But You.

Analogical Week. Prompt: Song. Words: 1,037

Virgil was never really a fan of pop music… Give him ‘My Chemical Romance’ any day of the week. It’s all Logan’s fault that his emo playlist is now peppered with different music styles. On the way to their first date, Logan controlled the music in the car and it immediately opened with the band ‘Reliably Bad.’ It was Logan’s new obsession at the time. The way Logan smiled and sang along with reckless abandon, Virgil knew he would be secretly adding them to his playlist when he got back home.

Virgil sighed and pushed himself away from his desk that was covered in art designs, his arms were starting to ache from drawing for the last four hours. As he arched his back trying to get rid of the dull ache there too, and as he stared at the posters on his bedroom wall, he couldn’t help but smile when the music changed. He had been dating Logan for nearly a year now, and they had been living together for a few months, but he still loved this song. The memories surrounding it reminded him just how much he loved his better half. He had never played it while Logan was in the house, but this time the temptation to sing was too powerful, so he turned up his speakers…

“I wonder if he ever thinks about me late at night. Don't think too hard, don't wanna jinx this chance to get it right.” He would think this so many times before they began dating. He had a crush on Logan ever since the day they had met, and he remembered how nervous he was when they met for their first date.

“And I like how he always laughs at me when I don't try. I wonder if he wants to be mine. If you feel the way I do. Then you know you're the one for me.” When they first became friends, Logan was the only person to ever laugh at Virgil’s jokes. Then when Logan began to flirt with him, he was completely caught off guard. Why would someone as amazing as Logan even notice him? Then when Logan confessed his feelings for Virgil, he was completely spellbound and had to muster all of his energy to make sure he reciprocated. He had always thought that Logan was the one for him, but he never imagined that Logan would feel the same.

“No one else but you, baby.” Whenever Virgil listened to music or sang along with his favourite tracks, he became completely immersed in it. He didn’t take much notice of anything going on around him which was great most of the time, until he would go back to a hot drink that he had made previously to find it ice cold. He also never noticed Logan leaning against his door frame watching his adorable boyfriend dancing around the room.

“He takes me to a place where he's the only thing on my mind. When I look at his face, love is redefined.” As Virgil carried on singing, Logan remembered. This was the song that came on when he picked Virgil up for their first date. He had only discovered the band the day before, and as soon as he listened to this song he went and added every single they had released onto his Spotify. He knew Virgil only really listened to emo music, but when the song came on during that car ride, he couldn’t help but sing along to control the nerves he was feeling. He was absolutely terrified about that date, his feelings for Virgil were impossible to explain. He remembered looking over at Virgil while he was singing, he was looking out the window but he noticed how Virgil was trying to hide a smile, and Logan’s heart began to beat a little faster.

“And I like how he accidentally makes me smile. Why can't he just stay for a while? If you feel the way I do. Then you know you're the one for me.” Logan couldn’t help but remember when the feelings for his other half began in the first place. Virgil always seemed to know when he was stressed at home and would show up out of nowhere with a coffee, or a joke, anything to make him smile. Even on days when smiling was the last thing Logan wanted to do, he couldn’t help it when Virgil was around. Even a cheesy text message from him while he was at work was enough to lift his mood. Before they began dating, he never wanted Virgil to leave, he always wished he could stay by his side. That’s when he knew that he needed to confess to Virgil, his feelings were definitely not platonic anymore. After that conversation, when Virgil admitted he felt the same, Logan was on a figurative cloud nine. He had never felt happiness like this before, and he knew that Virgil was the one for him.

“No one else but you, baby.” Virgil sang the repeated line louder each time, but then he noticed a figure standing in the doorway. He jumped back, but then he noticed it was only his adorable boyfriend staring at him and grinning. A look between them that they both understood. A silent ‘I thought you didn’t like this kind of music?’ and a small shrug back. Logan stepped forward, reaching out for Virgil’s hand. He took it and was pulled into Logan’s embrace. He let Logan lead as they slow danced in the middle of Virgil’s room. He closed his eyes as Logan took over the melody.

“And I just wanna dance the night away, with you in my arms. Oh, my mind is blown away. Enchanted by your charm.” The world could fall away, leaving nothing but stars and Logan would not care at all. As long as he had Virgil, that was all he would ever need. In turn, Virgil would never stop being enchanted by Logan, he was the one person to keep him grounded, he knew everything would always be okay when Logan was there.

The song became upbeat once again as it reached its close, but they didn’t move away. They parted slightly and smiled at one another. Logan planted a soft kiss on Virgil’s lips and they continued to dance together. The music faded away to nothing, but they didn’t need music to dance, they just needed each other. Virgil wasn’t a fan of pop music, but he could make an exception.

“If you feel the way I do. Then you know you’re the one for me. No one else but you, baby”

#analogical week #music story #thomas sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #ts logan #ts virgil #analogical #short story #ts fanfic

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illfoandillfie · 3 years

Text

5 Simple Rules for a Successful Relationship: Blurb

This wasn’t requested by anyone but the idea has been kicking around my head basically since I wrote the Ben POV chapter

Warnings for fluff and smut but it’s all very soft

5 Simple Rules Series Masterlist

Blurb Advent Day 1

Taglist since it’s part of a series: @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @hannafuckingsucks @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely @taron-egrotten @johndeaconshands @borhapbois @stardust-galaxies

@coni-martina @hardforbenhardy @cubedtriangle @vicouscirce @arianabrashierstuff @pattieboydwannabe @maggieroseevans @theprettyandthereckless @friccinfricks

Ben had it all planned out. He’d known how he was going to ask for a while, before he’d even picked out the ring. But, so far, he hadn’t been able to put his plan into action. As much as he wanted to ask it never quite felt like the right time. There was always something going on, somewhere to be – work or dinner with friends or general errands to sort out. But he knew how he wanted it to happen. He’d cook dinner, your favourite meal of course, followed by dessert made from scratch, really bring out the big guns. Afterwards he’d put on some music, a playlist of love songs he’d been adding to for months now, maybe ask you to dance. It was a little corny but sometimes corny was okay. Later on he’d pop into the kitchen and pull out your two mugs and place the ring in the bottom of yours before returning to the couch to sit with you. And then, at the usual time, he’d say he could really go with a hot drink before bed. He knew you’d volunteer to make them since he’d made dinner so he’d wait for you to leave the room before following. He’d listen for the gasp of surprise when you checked the mugs and saw the ring. That would be his cue to step into the room and get down on one knee and ask you to marry him. He had the speech ready to go too, knew what he wanted to say. How fast he’d fallen for you, how glad he was you were with him, how much he loved you.

Thinking about actually popping the question made Ben nervous. But the good kind of nervous. Of course the topic of weddings and marriage had come up before, abstractly. It was nearly unavoidable when his mum would not-so-subtly check for an engagement ring every time you visited, and then even less so when Gwilym got engaged and invited you both to the party. So he’d asked you about it, whether you had ever considered the whole settling down thing – marriage, kids, white picket fence, the lot. He was pleased to find out you liked the idea, had even imagined what the future might be like with him. The only thing you didn’t want was a public proposal which Ben fully supported. After all the attention you’d received as a result of the relationship, all the magazine articles and snapped photos while you were just trying to buy milk and bread, it felt wrong to voluntarily make such a private situation public. Ben was sure you’d be asked about it in future interviews and on social media and he wouldn’t mind sharing the story then, after he was sure you’d say yes. He had no reason to believe you wouldn’t but there was always that slight uncertainty, that intrusive doubt that made him wonder if you’d just tell him to bugger off instead. He found comfort in the plan though. Knowing exactly what he would do was reassuring. But even the best laid plans weren’t guaranteed.

Ben’s actual proposal caught him off guard as much as it did you. It was early on a Saturday, sometime between two and three. Usually you’d both be fast asleep but instead you were stumbling into the house, lit only by the grey light of the morning. You hadn’t meant to stay at the afterparty for so long but people kept handing you drinks and drawing you into conversations and music was still pumping through the speakers and before you knew it five more minutes had become a couple of extra hours. Ben emptied his pockets onto the hall stand as he watched you lean against the front door and kick off your shoes. He couldn’t resist catching you in a quick kiss before he wrapped his arm around you with a soft, “C’mon cuddle bunny,” and lead you towards the bathroom. Both of you set about brushing teeth and washing faces and changing into pyjamas. He chuckled as he watched you extract an almost obscene amount of bobby pins from your hair before you retied it to sleep in. But, even after everything was done and you’d both climbed under the covers, sleep didn’t come. Ben, eyes closed in an attempt to trick sleep into taking him, felt you move under his arm and peeked through his lashes to find you facing him.

“You okay?” His voice was hushed though there was no real need and when you responded yours was too.“Yeah just not really tired,” “Me neither,” “Do you wanna…?” “Now?” “Well just lying here waiting to drop off is a bit boring but I also don’t really feel like getting up,” “Alright then, why not.” “If you fall asleep half way through I won’t hold it against you,” “Shut up and take your pants off,” Ben laughed, already wriggling out of his. “You just didn’t sound very enthusiastic,” “I am always enthusiastic about this,” Ben forgot everything else he might have said as you pulled him into a kiss.

The sex itself was okay. Nothing special really. You’d had better sex plenty of other times, though you’d also had worse. The best way to describe it was fine. It wasn’t mind blowing but it was comfortable and reliable and fine. Ben felt a little clumsy as he kissed you back, his hand roaming over your side and down to your arse. He supposed the dark of the room and the drinks you’d both put down over the course of the night were having an impact, but, by the way you giggled against his lips, it seemed you found it cute more than anything else. To compensate for his inelegant fingers, Ben moved slowly, enjoying kissing you as much as he could. He hummed when you slid your hand down between your bodies and found his dick, stroking it unhurriedly. There wasn’t a need to go faster, no built up passion to release. The sex was a way to kill some time. Even when you hooked your leg over his and he sank into you, nothing really changed. But Ben knew what you liked and did his best to hit those spots as he wrapped his arms around you and kissed you again. He decided he must be doing something right based off the small keening noises you made. All the same he didn’t expect your next outburst, said softly right against his lips.

“God Ben, I want you inside me forever,” It slipped out before he could second guess himself, “Then marry me,” “What?” Ben paused his movement, not totally sure he’d actually said it until he drew back enough to look at you and saw the stunned expression you wore. His heart pounded as he realised this was it, this was the moment, “Might be easier to do that if we’re married is all. So, will you? Will you marry me?” It took a few moments for the question to sink in but once it had you nodded in agreement. You felt the same. “Yes?” “Yes.” “Yeah? You’ll marry me?” “Yes, yes, I’ll marry you,” Ben broke out into a grin and swept you into another kiss though he cut it off abruptly, “Wait, hold on,” somewhat ungracefully Ben pulled out of you and rolled out of the bed, switching on a lamp and heading over to his chest of draws. He dug around in one for a moment before he pulled out a small box which he brought back to the bed. Kneeling in front of you, he popped the box open to show you the ring before taking it and sliding it onto your finger.

You couldn’t help but stare, holding you hand out in front of you to see how it looked. It was beautiful, not too over the top but not exactly understated either, and it fit perfectly. When you raised you eyes back to Ben’s face you noticed his eyes glistening. “I love it Ben, I love you,” “I love you too Y/N,” he whispered back, kissing you again and laying you back down.

As Ben sank back into you, you placed your hand on his chest, picking up his body heat except where the cool metal of the ring lay. You could feel his heart beating under your palm as he rolled his hips against you, trying to finish what you’d started. It took a little while longer, though things moved less slowly than they had before the interruption of the proposal. Ben dropped his fingers to your clit as he felt you getting closer, drawing gentle circles until the warm wave rolled through you, pulling a soft sigh from your lips. He kept his fingers there as if to try to give you another orgasm, maybe one not quite so soft, but you pulled his hand away, linking his fingers with yours as you kissed his throat and encouraged him to finish too. It didn’t matter that your orgasm hadn’t been particularly powerful. All that mattered was that Ben was with you and he always would be.

Afterwards you curled up, leaning your head on Ben’s chest, his arm around you. He sighed contentedly and kissed the top of your head. “So much for sleeping,” he chuckled. “What we did was better than sleep,” “Definitely. And if we hold out for a little longer we could watch the sunrise,” “I don’t know if I’ll last that long,” “No, me neither. It’d be nice though,” You agreed and lapsed into a comfortable silence. And then a thought struck you, “You know, we’re going to need a cover story,” “What?” “People are going to want to hear the story of how you proposed. Felicity, Joe, Gwil, the rest of our friends, our families, not to mention paparazzi and the press, they’ll all ask.” “Fuck.” “So you don’t want to look your mother in the eye and explain it happened mid shag either? Good to know we’re on the same page,” Ben laughed, “Funnily enough, that was very unplanned. I had something much more romantic and better prepared in mind when I thought about how I’d do it. A whole big speech about you being the love of my life and how I want to spend every day of my life making you feel happy and safe and loved,” “Go on then, what was it,” Ben explained his original idea, about the dinner and the mugs, all the while playing with your fingers as if he didn’t want to break contact. “That does sound wonderful, but I have to admit, I really love how it actually happened,” “Me too,” he laughed, “But that’s good. Because now we have a story to tell everyone and a slightly more accurate story just for ourselves.”

#my writing #my blurbs #blurb advent 2020 #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy smut #smut blurb

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vintagedolan · 4 years

Text

mixtape | track three

| masterlist | faceclaims | playlist |

Indiana was sure she’d never had a longer Monday in her life, and Tuesday wasn’t looking any better. Her lecture droned on and she did everything she could to stay engaged, from downing the rest of her water bottle to doodling on the side of her notes.

Just as her professor started to move into the brachial plexus, she saw a small message notification appear in the top right corner of her laptop screen. A text, from Grayson.

Wyd? :)

It took all her power not to scoff in the middle of the room. The fact that he’d actually sent her a ‘wyd’ was almost too much.

learning, what’s it to yah

She scrolled to catch up with her professor, trying to keep up.

I’m bored

You want a vanilla oatmilk latte later, right?

Or did I not remember that right

Triple texter, of course. She typed out a quick shhh, unless you can teach me about the brachial plexus I gotta pay attention. I’ll text you when I’m out and turned back to her notes, scribbling out the diagram that her professor was drawing on the board.

But she still smiled when she got a p sure you just made that up but okay :) from him.

Lecture sped up after that, her professor moving much too quickly through the nerves and innervations of muscles within the plexus that she could barely wrap her head around. She was going to have to review all of it again to even begin to fully understand. At least it wasn’t chemistry like it had been last semester - anatomy she could handle because at least it was interesting. Before she knew it she was closing her notebook and laptop, throwing them in her bag and heading out the door in a bid to get to the hospital faster.

Little did she know, Grayson was waiting in line at Jet’s already, having come to the city much earlier than he needed to, toe of his Air Force One tapping on the tile as his nerves ran wild. He caught his reflection in one of the windows and paused to double check himself, just like he had that afternoon in his mom’s hallway, looking in the mirror that was hanging on the wall. Ethan had caught him in the act, and he knew it wouldn’t slip past him.

“Alright, spill. You’re being sus.” Ethan’s words were garbled by the PB&J in his mouth, but it still made Grayson panic a bit.

“Am not.”

“Cut the shit Gray, you only wear belts when you’re trying to impress somebody and I highly doubt you’re trying to woo over the kids. What’s her name?”

“I hate you.”

“Interesting name.” That earned him a middle finger.

“Indiana.”

“Actual interesting name. She cute?”

“Very. And smart. And funny too. Good with kids.”

“And tick tick tick go the soulmate boxes. You gonna try to make a move?”

“We’ve talked one time bro. That’d be bold.”

“Yeah, and you’re you.You fall in love when somebody blinks at you right. Case made. Let me know when the wedding is.”

Grayson didn’t have a comeback for that, so he just huffed a bit and let out a “fuck off” before he turned to head for city an hour before he needed to.

“Next… Next.”

He pulled his head up, realizing the line had disappeared in front of him. He moved up to the counter, hoping he’d remembered her order right since she’d yet to answer him again.

“Can I do a large dark roast, and a large vanilla oatmilk latte please?”

Down the line, a man with an impressive beard and large gauges perked up as Grayson put his card into the reader.

“Wouldn’t happen to be for Indiana Cross would it?”

He wasn’t sure what the right answer was, so he just went with the truth. “Yeah, actually it is.”

Based on the way that the man squinted his eyes at him, Grayson realized it was apparently very much the wrong answer.

“And you are?” He asked.

“Grayson.”

“Grayson.” He repeated, obviously waiting for an elaboration.

“I uh… I volunteer with her at the hospital?”

Right answer. The man relaxed, going back to making coffee with a nod. He tried to run through the possibilities while he waited for the drinks. Brother? Probably not. Ex-boyfriend? Possibly.

“She’s a good egg, used to work here before school got to be too much. You’re lucky to have a friend like her,” he said after passing over the drinks.

Protective manager. Not what he expected, but he understood. He had a feeling it wasn’t just him who had gotten attached so quickly.

“Yeah, yeah I am for sure. Thanks, have a great day.”

“You too…” he trailed off, waiting. He didn’t know if he’d forgotten his name already or just didn’t want to admit he remembered it.

“Grayson.”

“Right. I’m Patrick. See you around.”

“Yeah man, see you.”

Grayson headed out the door, balancing one cup on top of the other so he could text her quickly.

You at the hosp yet?

no, I’m not at the ‘hosp’ haha I’m walking there now

You didn’t text me when you got out of class

I’m hurt

boo hoo

Lemme just

Throw this coffee away real quick

hey hey now those are fighting words

oh shit I never texted you about the coffee, but you were right, vanilla oatmilk latte

I’ll give you a pass this time since you were learning about the brachial whatever

You’re lucky im awesome and remembered

wow

the most awesome

love to see it

just wait outside of jets, I’ll be there in a minute

Okay :)

He did as she asked, moving out of the steady stream of people that were on the sidewalk to watch people who passed, waiting for her. Every time he saw a head of blonde hair he perked up, until finally he recognized her moving towards him. She was dressed more casually than on Sunday, with a baggy crewneck on with her jeans and Air Force Ones.

She noticed him a moment after he saw her, so by the time she laid eyes on him he was beaming, putting his phone away and moving towards her.

“A large? You spoil me,” she teased, taking the cup from him gratefully. It was delicious as always, but she was more focused on his outfit – a tight black long sleeve shirt tucked into a pair of nice maroon pants, a large belt buckle resting on his waist.

“We match,” he grinned, pointing a toe out to show off his shoes. It was about the only thing that matched – she felt frumpy next to him in her comfy clothes that she wore to class. Even her Air Forces were dingy compared to his, dull and dirty.

“Uh huh, right. I didn’t know that our first joint Buddies meeting was a fashion show, give a girl some warning next time, will yah?”

“Oh shut up, you look cute.”

Her eyebrows went up as she looked down at herself, then back at him. He threw her back the same look of disbelief.

“Did I stutter?” He asked, practically daring her to argue with him. She just blushed and shook her head, taking a drink of her coffee as they started towards Frazier. They walked shoulder to shoulder and Indiana was grateful – it was fractionally less common in the colder months, but she always got her fair share of cat calls on the streets. After getting to know him, she didn’t find Grayson even slightly intimidating anymore, but she still had the image of him on that bench, broad and serious, and she knew it was no coincidence that everyone fell silent with him beside her.

It was a new feeling, having to hold herself back. She’d never had the urge to wrap her arms around someone walking next to her, reach out and hold onto their arm, even just reach down to hold their hand. It made her giddy and skeptical at the same time as she tried to distract herself, watching the cars drive by, honking at each other.

“Where’d you go?” Grayson hummed, bumping her just barely and pulling her out of her head. Her heart swelled a bit hearing her signature phrase fall so easily from his lips, which seemed much pinker than she’d last remembered as he took a sip of his coffee and waited for her answer. A few moments later he quirked an eyebrow – a very well-manicured eyebrow. Did he get those waxed? She resisted the urge to reach up and smooth down her own that she knew were bushy and definitely not as nice as his.

“Indiana. You good?” He tried again,

“Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah I’m good, sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, I was just checkin on you. Do we have a plan for this meeting or do you normally just go with the flow?”

“Depends on the mood she’s in. I’ve got some stuff in my bag – cards, my school stuff cause she likes to help me study sometimes. Other times she just likes to play 20 questions or hang out and talk. You’ll be the new shiny toy, so prepare for a bunch of questions. Especially about your teeth earrings.”

He balked as they got to the doors, following her quick steps into the lobby.

“I’m sorry my what?”

“It’s not everyday someone has diamonds in their teeth sir.”

“Okay but they aren’t teeth earrings, give me some fucking credit.”

“Definitely teeth earrings.”

“Jewels.”

“Teeth. Earrings. Oh my god, I’m gonna introduce you as teeth earring guy.” Her laughter filled the elevator as they stepped in.

“Oh god,” he groaned, letting his head fall back against the side of the little box as it moved up to the second floor. Indiana gave her most mischievous grin when the doors opened, walking quickly through the halls. It took Grayson a minute to realize that she was trying to beat him to Bekah’s room and he sped up his steps, trying to keep it casual as he passed rooms of kids and families, walking as fast as he could without full on running down the hall. They didn’t see the nurses laughing at their antics, but they didn’t care. Indiana side stepped into Bekah’s room abruptly, so fast that Grayson almost knocked her over trying to stop behind her.

Bekah was up walking around in a hoodie and leggings, and when she turned she immediately pointed over Indiana’s shoulder.

“Teeth earring guy!”

They couldn’t help it – they both busted out laughing, Indiana grabbing onto his shoulder to keep herself from falling over. When they finally got it together he spoke up first.

“My name is actually Grayson, but you can call me teeth earring guy if you wanna.”

“I’m Bekah Newcomb. Mandatory intro spiel, I’m 15, stage 3 leukemia. My parents aren’t pieces of shit, they just work a lot so they’re never here. No siblings because why mess with perfection. Any questions?”

Indiana bit her tongue – she had forgotten about the spiel, forgotten that it was Bekah’s favorite way to test new people, make them uncomfortable. Her eyes flickered over to Grayson, but he had the biggest smile on his face.

“Only one, but it’s very important. You ready?”

“Hit me with it,” she said, anxiously waiting.

“Is cereal a soup?”

Indiana couldn’t have planned a better intro for the two of them – they bonded so quickly right there before her eyes, debating the constituting factors of soup, and it had her melting to see him interacting so easily with the girl who meant so much to her. Bekah didn’t even attempt to put up her usual front, just laughed and joked with him as if she’d known him for years. The hours flew by, games of war and BS passing the time as Bekah sat at the top of her bed and Indiana and Grayson sat at the end of it, knees touching as they resisted the urge to peek at each-others cards.

The only hiccup came when Bekah got her meds at 7, but she put on her best show for Grayson, managing to keep her stomach settled enough to avoid puking. It was the most fun visit either of them had had in a while, and Bekah fought her drowsiness until visiting hours were over at 8. Indiana had to be the voice of reason, starting the goodbyes before the nurses came to kick them out.

“Are you both coming back on Thursday?” Bekah called out as they headed for the door.

“Hell yeah we are. Want us to bring anything?” Grayson grinned.

Indiana liked the sound of us.

“Cereal, so we can test our theories.”

“You got it. See yah Thursday Beks.”

“See yah Thursday, Earrings.”

His laugh was so loud that the nurses at the desk peeked their heads around to see what was happening – but they were smiling up at the two of them as they signed out and started down the hallway they’d come up.

As soon as they cleared the ocean hallway, Grayson turned to her.

“Was that okay? Like was that good?” There was genuine concern in his voice, and Indiana had to bite back a laugh.

“Are you seriously asking?”

“Yeah, ‘course I am.”

“Grayson she loved it. She loved you. I haven’t seen her smile that big since she’s come in for this round of treatment. Were you worried about that?” She didn’t stop herself from reaching out and holding onto his shoulder, squeezing lightly as they stopped walking.

“A little,” he admitted, relaxing under her touch.

“You’re a natural, I told you that. I promise you did great, I wouldn’t bullshit you.”

He stopped walking for a minute, and there was an intensity in his gaze that had her stomach fluttering.

She didn’t know what she expected, but it definitely wasn’t for him to say “Can I take you to dinner?”

“Now?” Stupid answer.

“Well, it is dinner time. But if you aren’t hungry I could wait a while. Or if you don’t want to go, that’s totally okay, I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything just cause we’re doing this together and we share a buddy and-”

“I want to go to dinner,” she cut him off, and he could see the hesitation on her face.

“I sense a but coming…”

“But -”

His heart sank a bit - he’d fallen into the trap he always managed to get himself into, falling too quickly, making his move too fast. But it was natural to be next to her, to talk to her, to have her hand stay on his shoulder. He liked the feeling of her there, the sound of her laughter and the brightness of her smile, and he couldn’t quite hold himself back it seemed. It made the rejection he knew he was about to get hurt even worse.

“But, I have to study tonight,” she sighed, and there was a genuineness to it that had him breathing a bit easier. She actually seemed disappointed, and the hope he felt rose up again.

“Oh yeah, the biceps whatever thing, that shit sounded complicated.”

“The brachial plexus, but A for effort,” she teased. “No but seriously, I gotta get that shit down or I’m gonna forget everything she said about it today. But I really do wanna go to dinner, I’m not blowing you off.” She rushed through her reassurances, dropping her arm and starting to walk again, towards the stairs this time.

“I believe you. How about Thursday, after we hang with Beks?”

“Yeah, I can do Thursday!”

“Gang.” Fuck. He’d been doing pretty well at hiding all the slang he’d picked up in LA.

“Did you… what?”

“Nothing, pretend you didn’t hear that. Thursday sounds great. Oh, before I forget, can you bring some non-dairy milk with you when you come?”

She paused for a minute, looking up at him from a few stairs below like he’d grown another head.

“You want me to bring milk… non-dairy milk… to dinner.”

“No! No no, for the cereal! I just have a long drive and I don’t want it to get all gross and hot on the way, and since you walked I figure you live close by. I can venmo you for it.”

“Oh! Yeah, I can bring some, you don’t have to venmo me for it, no biggie.”

“Okay cool. Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t ask you to bring milk on a da- to dinner. Bring it to dinner. That would be… weird.” His cheeks burned hotter than he realized they could. The fact that he’d almost slipped and said date had embarrassment and panic coursing through every inch of his body, and he could already hear the way Ethan was going to laugh when he told him the story later.

Of course Indiana heard it, but the way he was blushing to his ears had her pretending she didn’t.

“Thursday it is then,” she grinned, opening the door of the stairwell and holding it until Grayson passed through. The massive windows of the lobby were painted indigo, washed out a bit by the city lights but dark nonetheless.

“Damn it’s dark,” he muttered. Even though it was beginning to get dark earlier now with autumn on the horizon, it was still much dimmer than he was used to.

“It’s supposed to storm the rest of the week, probably just the clouds,” she shrugged. She looked small for the first time to him, headed towards the doors.

“Can I drive you home? It’s really dark out.” The words came out before he could think them over - that seemed to be the effect she had on him.

“Oh, it’s okay! I only live like three blocks from here, by the time you get your car I’ll probably be home,” she reassured him with a smile.

“Can I walk you then? I don’t like the idea of you walking out there in the dark by yourself.”

She paused at the door, and he half expected her to turn and remind him that she was very much capable of walking herself. But she surprised him, as she always seemed to do.

“Yeah, yeah that would be really nice actually. If you don’t care.”

“No, I’d love to. You ready?”

She nodded and pushed the doors open, hair blowing back in the wind as she walked outside. The temperature had dropped significantly, the true sign of a storm coming through just as she’d suggested.

He took his spot beside her, shortening his strides so he didn’t stray too far from her, standing tall and broad. Indiana felt small next to him, but in a good way for once. It was even more comforting than earlier, and she took slower steps than she usually did, trying to draw it out as long as possible. She tried to convince herself it was because she wanted to procrastinate studying, didn’t want to have to tackle her notes, but in reality she knew it was because she didn’t want the night to end.

It was a comfortable kind of quiet, the bustle of the city streets creating the perfect background noise as they weaved down the sidewalks. Indiana felt like if anyone looked at them they’d be able to see the little bubble of nervous energy surrounding the two of them - it had her feeling like she was back in middle school, giddy because the cute boy looked at her for two seconds.

Much too quickly, her apartment building appeared, tall and imposing in the dark.

“This is me.”

“Damn, that really was a short walk.”

For once, she wished it had been longer.

“Thanks again for walking me.”

“Yeah, yeah no problem, anytime. Um… have a good night.” He could hear the awkwardness in his tone, felt like it was palpable in the city air.

“Goodnight Grayson. Drive safe.”

“Goodnight Indiana. Sleep safe.”

That earned him his new favorite smile, but only for a moment before she disappeared into the lobby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

“Bro, will you fucking focus?”

There were few things that annoyed Grayson more than his brother taking too long to finish his reps on the equipment, but that day he’d become his own pet peeve. In his head, distracted, constantly checking his phone - and Ethan was beyond annoyed.

“Alright, out with it. The fuck is goin on in there?” Ethan smacked Grayson’s head lightly, concern starting to overpower the annoyance.

“It’s nothing, let’s just finish this shit before it rains again,” he huffed, moving to the single pull up bar that he’d built last year and starting his reps. The sky was a dreary gray, the cold of autumn starting to come in and clinging to everything it touched.

It wasn’t nothing. Actually, it was much much more than that, and Ethan knew it too, but he didn’t pry. Yet. He did his best to keep his brother focused for the rest of their Wednesday work out, encouraging him to get more reps, to push a bit harder. It didn’t seem to clear his head at all, and Ethan held his tongue for a few more hours, waited until they were both showered, in fresh clothes and in the kitchen making lunch for him to finally ask again.

“Is it the girl? Indiana?”

Grayson didn’t answer, but the look that he threw Ethan from his spot in front of the stove told him enough.

“What’d she say? Lemme see.”

He passed his phone over, moving back to stir soup he was making as Ethan read the message. Grayson remembered exactly what it said, even if his twin didn’t mumble it out as he read.

“Hey, about dinner tomorrow. Turns out my sister and brother in law are moving out of my place (finally) because Charlie got a new photography deal and I promised I would help them move :( but we could do dinner on Saturday night if that works for you still? If not it’s okay. What’s wrong with that?” Ethan asked.

“She doesn’t wanna have dinner,” Grayson muttered, watching the soup spin in the pot as he stirred.

“That is so not what that means. Is this seriously what you’ve been pouting about all morning?” Ethan had to bite back his laugh. He hadn’t seen his brother this in his head about something in a while, and he didn’t want to make him feel stupid for being worried. “If she didn’t want to have dinner, she wouldn’t have asked about Saturday.”

“How do you know? You haven’t even met her.”

“Cause I’ve had a girlfriend for two years. You just learn what they mean in their texts even if they don’t say it.”

The last thing Grayson needed in that moment was a reminder that his brother was in a very loving relationship, but he let it slide. Eden had come into their lives a few years back, a fireball of take-no-shit and feminine power unlike either of them had ever seen. It was a learning curve, and Ethan was determined to ace the test. Grayson was glad that he had - she’d become a sister to him, and she brought fun and laughter to their life out in California.

“Call Eden, see what she thinks,” Grayson said, scooping soup out into bowls for the two of them. Ethan did as he asked, pulling up facetime and letting it ring through until she appeared on the screen, wide smile bright against her tanned skin, California sun bright in the background.

“Hey baby! What’s up?”

“Grayson’s having girl problems.”

“Oooo I love girl problems, hand him over,” she teased, still beaming when Ethan passed over his phone.

“Alright hit me with it, what’s the tea?”

Grayson tried to give her the short version of how he and Indiana had met, but he found himself elaborating with each detail that he remembered, from every word of the text down to the way she said goodbye the last time he’d seen her, only the night before. It felt like longer than that.

Eden was quiet for a moment after he finally finished the story, but by her coy smile he knew she was just trying to figure out how to word everything correctly.

“Okay, so first off, just to clear things up, she’s not blowing you off.”

He wanted to believe her, desperately, but the doubt must have still been obvious on his face, because she rolled her eyes before she launched into her explanation.

“She texted you today instead of tomorrow, which probably means as soon as she found out she told you. That’s a good sign. She’s nervous too, that’s why she said ‘if not it’s okay’, cause she’s trying to give you an out if you want it.”

He very much didn’t want an out. He actually wanted an in.

“The fact that she reached out at all shows that she cares, and she’s trying to set up another time which definitely means she’s interested. Most girls would just wait to see if you would set up another one, that’s what I would have done. Tested to see if you were invested. But if she’s willing to do it, that means she must be pretty sure of you. Or totally oblivious to the fact that you like her. Either way, you’re in good shape.”

“Who said I like her?” He muttered, getting a barking laugh out of both members of his audience.

He let them fall into conversation without him, the quick catch up of their day that they’d been doing lately since they were on opposite sides of the country. It was hard for Ethan, but he managed it well, with plenty of sappy texts and nightly facetimes that would have Grayson gagging but secretly wishing he had someone to talk to like that.

He wondered what Indiana was like on facetime while he ate his soup. He wondered what her favorite color was, why she took oatmilk in her coffee instead of regular, what her class schedule was. Wondered what time she woke up on the mornings when she could sleep in, what she’d want to do on a real date, what her room looked like. He never realized how much mental space he had for someone other than himself or Ethan, and he found himself obsessing the smallest things, trying to ignore the butterflies it brought to his stomach.

Ethan didn’t help once he finished his call and started devouring his luke-warm bowl of veggie soup.

“Bro you’re in deep, I can tell. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you get this attached this quick before.”

“There’s just something about her dude. It’s scaring me a little honestly. I’ve never felt like this about anybody, and I’ve literally only seen her twice. I mean, I barely even know her, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Is that weird?”

Ethan thought of about twenty comebacks that he could have used, but he bit them back. He could feel his twin’s anxiety, and he wasn’t about to add to it.

“Nah man. It’s not weird. It’s intense, but it’s not weird. And hey, if she ends up being the one someday it’ll make a cute story. You hear all sorts of people say they fell in love the first time they saw their person, who says that couldn’t be you, yah know? But hey, I gotta meet her before you go proposing or some shit.” He bumped his shoulder with a smile, turning back to his bowl of soup so Grayson didn’t feel like he had to respond right away.

He thought on it for a minute, trying to process everything his brother had just laid out on the table. And then he pulled his phone out, clicked on his new favorite thread to check, and typed out his reply.

Saturday date it is

See you tomorrow :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Indiana Cross was never late. In fact, she was usually a minimum 10 of minutes early. But one too many outfits changes had slowed her down and she was cutting it too close for comfort - so close that when she looked out and saw the rain had started up again, she contemplated just running out into it and getting drenched instead of trying to make it back upstairs to get her umbrella.

She peered out into the street through the lobby doors, trying to decide if the drops would be enough to ruin her outfit, when something caught her eye.

A hand, waving quite cutely at her through the glass.

Grayson was outside, massive black umbrella over his head and a wide smile on his face as he walked up to the doors, waiting for her. He hadn’t said anything about coming to pick her up, but her heart fluttered at the sight of him anyways - she’d seen him just a few days ago, on Thursday, where they’d sat on Bekah’s bed again and ate cereal and laughed and joked. But it felt like it had been forever, and with the added stress of moving Charlie and Devin out, and the hard goodbye that she didn’t want to admit was hard, she hadn’t really relaxed since she’d last seen him.

He made sure there wasn’t a gap between the awning and his umbrella so she could duck under it without getting wet. As soon as she was under she made her move, if you could even call it that, and wrapped her hands around his bicep, trying not to gawk at how big it was. Instead, she looked up at him and scrunched her nose.

“Hi.”

“Hi there,” he beamed, and she could see the excitement in every single one of his features. “Figured I could walk you. You ready?”

She nodded, holding on to him as they started to walk down the sidewalks. His slow Jersey pace mixed with her short legs and quick New Yorker steps kept them perfectly in sync as they dodged puddles and soaked up the feeling of being together again.

The conversation flowed as easily as ever, Grayson asking her how moving Charlie out went, if she was sad to have her sister so far away. They talked about Cameron going to school in South Carolina, and how he and Ethan couldn’t spend more than a week apart without going crazy. She talked about school, the assignments she had lined up for the week, the exam she had already started studying for even though it was next Friday. Every time they got to a puddle that was too big for both of them to walk around he guided her to the dry part, walking lightly through the water so he didn’t splash her.

They got to the hospital much too quickly, and she let go of his arm reluctantly so he could pull the umbrella down and shake off the excess water before they made it in. Grayson led the way up the stairs and onto the unit, waving at the kids he saw, giving Andre a high five as he passed and asking the nurses how their shift was going. Indiana couldn’t help but notice the way the younger nurses - actually, all the nurses, seemed to be watching his every move, blushing and smiling at him as he passed.

She fought the urge to reach out and hold his hand, walking just a bit closer to him so their arms brushed against each other as they moved. It sent electricity through every nerve ending on her body, and she got so caught up in it that she almost forgot to stop him before they made it to Bekah’s room.

“Hey, one thing. I know we’re going on a date later, but let’s not have any… like us stuff, while we’re here. I don’t want Bekah to feel like a third wheel or anything, cause we’re here for her. Deal?”

“Deal.” There was a prideful look in his eyes that she couldn’t quite place, but she didn’t have time to analyze it before she stepped into the room.

Bekah was in her bed, curled up under the blankets on her side. Her head was wrapped in a light blue scarf - something her mom had brought her a few days prior, sweatshirts pulled down over her hands as she shivered.

Grayson’s face fell immediately, and he froze at his spot by the curtain. She looked sick, actually sick, for the first time, and it brought on a wave of memories and emotion that he wasn’t quite prepared for.

Indiana didn’t blink.

“Hey you. How are you feeling?” Her tone was soft, soothing as she moved to her bedside and laid a hand on Bekah’s shoulder, starting to rub against her cold skin.

“S’ cold,” Bekah mumbled, burrowing down further, so far that Indiana could only see her brown eyes and the dark skin of her forehead.

“Want me to go see if I can get you another blanket?”

She nodded weakly, resting her head back on the pillow as Indiana stood up and moved over to Grayson.

“You okay in here by yourself for a minute?”

Grayson nodded, half to answer and half to convince himself. She gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze before she disappeared out the door. He stood there in silence for a moment, hands shoved in his pockets, unsure of what to do.

Bekah peaked her head out just enough for her mouth to be visible before she spoke.

“I’m not contagious, Earrings, you can come over here.”

The tension in his shoulders released and he walked over, sitting down as gently as he could on the edge of the bed.

“You’re weird,” Bekah said, eyes still closed. He panicked a bit, trying to keep his voice calm.

“Yeah? Why am I weird.”

“You don’t like being around sick people, but you’re volunteering at a kids hospital. Weird.”

“I don’t think anyone likes seeing people sick,” he murmured, trying to word everything very carefully.

“Indiana likes being around sick people because she likes to help. I think you like to help too but it makes you uncomfortable.”

There was no malice in her tone, but it still made him let out a dry laugh.

“You’re an observant one, aren’t you.”

“Not much else for me to do in here but watch people. But seriously, why’d you sign up to make yourself uncomfortable? Did someone tell you to?”

“Yeah, kinda. Someone told me if I could help that I should.”

“Your mom?”

“My dad actually,” he corrected quietly, toying with his fingers. Anytime he said his name out loud, no matter the form it took - dad, father, Sean - it was like he could feel it in his heart, a little tug on the original wound, a finger picking at a scab that wasn’t quite formed yet.

“I’ll have to thank him for that some time. I like having you around, no matter how awkward you are.”

“Well thanks Beks.”

He was saved from his devolving thoughts by a very excited Indiana coming back into the room with not one, but three blankets stacked in her arms.

“I declare it movie night,” she said, passing both of them their own blanket and rummaging for a remote, pulling up Emperor's New Groove before settling down into a chair on the other side of the bed. Grayson pulled one up so he could sit back, and without the distraction of conversation Bekah was out within the first 15 minutes, breaths deep despite the winces that she couldn’t hide. Indiana just ran a comforting hand over her arm until she lulled down further, tired muscles finally relaxing.

“She’s gonna be out the rest of the night, we might as well let her rest. You ready to go?” She asked after another twenty minutes, a bit of excitement returning to her eyes.

He nodded, moving to fix Bekah’s blanket over top of her one last time before he clicked the TV off and left her to sleep.

As soon as they signed out, he couldn’t hold back his questions.

“Is she getting worse? It seems like she’s getting worse.”

“Not necessarily. Chemo is weird like that sometimes, sometimes she’ll have good days with her meds, sometimes she’ll have bad ones. It’s just her body trying to fight for and against her at the same time. Exhausting, I would imagine. But she’s okay.”

“She doesn’t seem okay,” he said, looking back down the hallway before they went through the first set of doors.

“Hey.” He turned back to her, noted for a moment that her eyes were the same color as the painted jellyfish on the wall behind her. It grounded him somehow. “Don’t carry all this out here with you, it’ll wear you down. She’s in good hands, she’s sleeping, she’s safe. They’re doing everything they can for her, you’ve gotta trust in that.”

He knew that sometimes it didn’t matter how much they did, but he kept that to himself.

“You want me to compartmentalize.”

“A little bit, yes. It’s the only way you can survive something like this, trust me.”

He did. And he knew she was right. So he closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, let himself let go for a moment and breathe a bit easier. Without a hesitation, he reached a hand out for hers as soon as he opened his eyes, linking his fingers with hers.

“Okay. Let’s go on a date then.”

“Let’s go on a date,” she repeated, squeezing her tiny hand against his as they started down the hallway again.

He’d hatched a whole plan, ran the whole thing by both Ethan and Eden. They were going to get dinner at a little vegan food truck that he had made sure would be close by, walk the High Line for the last hour that it was open, and finish off with a late night coffee from Jets.

“Do I get to know the details of this date?” She asked while he opened the umbrella up outside and offered him her arm, almost as if she knew he was running through the itinerary in his head for the entire walk.

“Nope, you’re just along for the ride.” He grinned, trying to keep his confidence up as he started walking down the sidewalk.

For the first block, everything was fine. The rain picked up slightly, but nothing too bad, and it only made her hold onto him a bit tighter, leaning into him to avoid getting wet. He reveled in the feeling, holding himself back from leaning over and kissing her forehead.

The second block, things got a bit worse. The wind began to howl, thunder booming so loud above them that they both jumped. It seemed to shake the buildings around them a bit, and Grayson bit his lip, scrambling to think of what they would do if it got worse.

By the third block, all hell broke loose. The rain was coming down in sideways sheets, soaking their shoes and pants as Grayson tried to angle the umbrella and keep Indiana dry. It worked for approximately two seconds before the wind inverted the umbrella, leaving them both entirely exposed.

“Sorry, fuck, sorry!” He yelled over the roar of the rain, trying desperately to fix it as their shirts became heavy and wet. Their hair stuck to their foreheads, and when he pushed his back he saw that Indiana was laughing, laughing so hard that she leaned back slightly, clutching her stomach.

“C’mon, c’mon!” She grabbed his hand, dragging him along as they ran through the downpour. He followed her blindly, holding tight to her slippery hand as she weaved them through umbrellas and past people huddled under stoops.

When she pulled him into the lobby of her apartment building they were both laughing, breathless and giddy, so loud that a few people turned to look at them.

They didn’t notice.

“Your teeth are chattering,” Grayson laughed, reaching out to rest a hand on her quivering cheek. He was cold too, but he didn’t care. He hoped the blush he got out of her warmed her up a bit. “Not to invite myself up or anything, but do you care if I get dried off?”

She rolled her eyes at him, just taking his hand and leading him over to the elevator.

Unfortunately, a perfectly dry woman in her 40’s stepped on with them, and all it took was the sound of the water dripping off their clothes onto the tile for them to both break into a fit of giggles, Grayson’s mouth going wide in a silent cackle that had Indiana having to cover her own to keep from being too loud. She felt like a middle schooler getting scolded in the back of class until they made it to her floor, stepping past the woman with a muttered ‘sorry’ and wide smiles. They stared at each other until the doors closed, and then they were laughing again, holding onto each other’s shoulders as they tried to make it down the hallway and breathe at the same time.

Grayson was wiping tears by the time they got to her door, still giggling to himself as he started to shiver, his clothes getting colder by the minute. He took his shoes off outside the door, not wanting to track even more water inside as she opened the door

Her apartment was a bit warmer than the hallway, a welcoming and simple space with a small kitchen to the left and a cozy living room in front of him. Without realizing that he had even done it consciously, he had imagined her in a place just like this, with the big windows on the other side of the room covered in rain.

“Nice place,” he murmured.

“It’s no house, but it’s nice enough,” she teased. “Let me see if Devin left anything here that you can wear, hold on.”

She disappeared into a room on the right and he made his way into the living room, showing himself around. The picture frames on the top shelf caught his eye for a moment, and he smiled at how cute she looked as a baby, how beautiful she looked in her dress with her sister beside her. The woman holding her hands in the last one looked just like her, and he was about to ask when he felt Indiana behind him.

“That’s my mom. Nicole.”

“She seems like a great mom.”

“Yeah, she was.”

Grayson froze. Fuck.

“Shit, Indy, I’m sorry I-”

She put a finger to his lips. “It’s okay. But let’s not talk about it tonight, yeah?”

He nodded, trying to swallow down his guilt. He knew what it felt like to have that sprung on you without a warning, and he wished he could pull the words back out of the air, back out of her mind.

“Try these.” She passed him a pair of pajama pants. “I’m still looking for a shirt, I might have something that’s big enough for you. There’s a bathroom in my room if you wanna change in there.”

“I can just go shirtless for a while, it’s no big deal,” he reassured her. Her eyes went wide for a moment, and he saw her swallow.

“Okay. I’m gonna change now.”

“Okay. I’ll wait until you’re done.”

They stared at each other for a minute before Indiana finally moved, going into her room to start rummaging through her own clothes. She changed faster than she ever had, throwing on a pair of leggings and a crewneck with some comfy fuzzy socks before she was back in the living room.

“All yours. Um, do you want anything specific for dinner? I haven’t gone to the store in a while, and I would feel bad making somebody deliver in this weather,” she mumbled.

“Well, I’m vegan, but don’t worry if you don’t have anything, I can make it till I get home.”

In all honesty, he was starving, but he wasn’t about to end the date early because of a lack of plant based meal choices.

“I’ll see what I have, go change so I can put your clothes in the dryer with mine.”

He did as she asked, moving into her room. It was similar to the living room - white bedding, simplistic artwork in wooden frames on the walls. But above her bed were an assortment of vinyls, and he actually gasped when he saw the one in the middle.

“You listen to Cudi?!” He yelled, running back into the living room. Indiana was in the kitchen with a cucumber in her hands, but he made her jump so hard that she almost dropped it.

“Yeah, do you?”

“I fucking love Cudi dude, he’s the best artist of all time. I can’t believe you listen to him too.”

“Do I not give off Cudi vibes,” she laughed, putting the words in air quotes.

“No, you definitely do not.”

“What vibes do I give off then? Or do I not wanna know.”

“You don’t wanna know,” he grinned, flinching when she raised the cucumber like she was going to throw it.

“Go change Gray.”

He went back in, headed to her bathroom. It was much darker than the rest of the house, with a dark gray shower curtain adorned with wildflowers. He locked the door and stripped down quickly - his underwear were still damp, but he wasn’t about to go commando, especially if he was gonna risk having to hide a boner later. He had no idea how far the night was going to go, but he wanted to be ready for anything.

Standing there in the mirror in his boxers, he contemplated it for a minute, and then pulled a very 2016 Grayson move of dropping to the floor and doing a quick set of push ups so that his bare arms were a bit more swollen than they had been.

He pulled the pants on, groaning a bit at how long they were, and how tight they clung to his ass. Worried that he’d spent too long in the bathroom he picked up his wet clothes and headed back to the living room with the ends of his pants rolled up three times so he didn’t trip on them.

“You didn’t tell me Devin was a fucking giant dude! How tall is that mans?”

“He’s 6’5”,” Indiana laughed from somewhere he couldn’t see her, popping up with a loaf of bread and putting it on the counter. Her eyes went wide at the sight of him, so much tanned skin stretched over thick bands of muscle that it had her mouth dry. She swallowed again before she spoke. “Just sit those down, I can put them in the dryer.” “I can do it, are yours already in there?”

“Yeah, it’s over there.” She smiled and pointed to the doors in the hallway. He put them in and turned it on before he finally made it to the kitchen and saw the assortment on the counter. But she wasn’t looking at the food anymore - her eyes were all for him, and he felt himself fall nervous under her gaze again.

“What?”

“Nothing. You’re just cute.”

“Oh yeah, these pants are what do it for you huh?” He gave her a little spin just to make her laugh.

“Did I stutter?” She tilted her head to the side just barely, and it took all his self control not to lean in and kiss her right then. Instead, he just shook the thought from his head and stood close enough to where her shoulder was against his arm.

“What’re we workin’ with?”

“Well. I’ve got apples, a few grapes, jelly, some lettuce, bread, peanut butter, a sweet potato and crackers. Sorry.” She was sheepish, and he just shook his head at her with a frown.

“Nothing to be sorry for. You trust my PB&J making abilities?”

“That depends entirely on if you cut it into triangles or squares.”

“Oh c’mon, it’s triangles all day,” he scoffed, getting a laugh out of her that had him floating.

“Then yes, I approve. Do you care if I study while you make them? I just have a few things to go over.”

“Do whatever you gotta do,” he reassured her, moving to open the bread while she went back to her backpack. She was back quickly, with a stack of flashcards in her hands.

“Here,” he cleared her a spot on the counter next to where he was working. “Sit up here, teach me some stuff.”

“It’s just vocab stuff, nothing interesting.”

“Just say it outloud, maybe I’ll learn something.”

And so she did, laughing at the way his brows would furrow and the incredulous look he’d give her when it was a particularly long word. He took his time on the sandwiches, moving to cut up two apples and split the rest of the grapes between the two plates that he found after looking through the cabinets.

He cleared his throat and held out the plate on the palm of his hand. “Bon appetit madam.”

“Why thank you,” she giggled, sitting her cards down and taking it from him gratefully. She stayed perched on the counter and he leaned back against the fridge, taking his own plate in his hands. She complimented the food as she ate, wiggling slightly in the cutest way. Finally, she spoke up.

“Since we’re here, do I get to know what the actual date plan was?”

“Nah, I’m saving that shit for the future,” he smiled, taking the last bite of his sandwich. Even he had to admit it was good despite the slightly stale bread.

“Oh the future huh?”

“Yeah. Like next week.”

“I’ll pencil you into my planner then,” she grinned, tossing a few grapes into her mouth.

“I can’t tell if that’s sarcastic or not.”

“It’s not. Writing everything down keeps me sane I think.”

“Hey, organization is sexy,” he laughed, biting down on an apple slice.

“Good to know.” Her words were a bit muddled around the bite she had in her mouth, and Grayson put his empty plate aside, content to sit and watch her finish her meal. It was so easy to be around her, and he didn’t second guess anything he did or said - he hadn’t realized until her how much he altered himself around everyone he met.

“10 outta 10 PB&J, I’m impressed,” she smiled at him, moving her plate to the side after a moment. He couldn’t help but notice the tiny bit of jelly clinging to her cheek, purple and sticky against her skin.

“You’ve got a little - here,” he stepped up to her, reaching a hand out and running his thumb over it to get it off. But he didn’t let go - not when she looked up at him with those bright blue eyes, just like the jellyfish on the walls, and then he watched her look at his lips once before he leaned in.

She tasted sweet, lips soft against his. They were both hesitant, not sure of how far to take it. Short and sweet, they separated and looked at each other. He felt like he could float away when she brought a hand up to his hair and pulled him back in for another. He moved a hand to the counter for leverage, leaning into her as she smiled against him.

“You taste like apples,” she whispered, and then they were both laughing like they had been all night, cheeks and stomachs sore in the best way.

“C’mon you, what do you wanna do with the rest of our date night?”

“We could finish Emperor’s New Groove?” She poised.

He moved his hands to her waist, pulling her off the counter as she squealed, sitting her on her feet and taking her hand, headed to the living room. Ten minutes later and he was leaned back on the couch, feet up on the coffee table so she could curl up against his bare chest under the blanket while she scrolled through the film, trying to find where they left off.

He hoped that she’d undershoot it - anything to keep them right there, in each other's arms; bliss, as the storm raged on outside.

#SHES HERE #I.... kinda love this chapter #mixtape #grayson dolan #grayson dolan fanfiction #grayson dolan fanfic #dolan twins #dolan twins fanfic #PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT

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sugargliderowl · 4 years

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Thoughts on Janus’ Playlist...

Some of my first-time-hearing reactions to Janus’ playlist (sorry for the rambling parts):

Black Hole Sun: It’s apparently about depression according to Genius? Like it’s kinda like yearning for the depression to be sucked into the “black hole sun”... The snake references and heaven and hell is definitely Janus. Also, it sounds old-timey like a jazz song, so that sets up the mood of the entire playlist. I don’t really get this... but this feels like a mood setter for the entire thing, unless it means something else. What do you guys think?

It Seemed the Better Way: The strings? CHILLS. Leonard Cohen’s voice reminds me of Hades in Hadestown. “Sounded like the truth, seemed the better way... but it’s not the truth today” is just his motto is what I’m seeing. And then the “I better hold my tongue, I better take my place...” part feels like resignation to me. It’s either Janus is trying to help, but that didn’t work so he resigns to become the “villain” of the light sides. It could allude to the dark sides as a whole: they are all trying to help Thomas in their ways, but because being themselves doesn’t work, they need the villain, spooky facade.

Anywhere: Ooh, I’m seeing a vintage vibe from all of this... Back to the song. “It’s a beautiful / If you’ve been lied to” is a good callback to the whole “society is built on lies” from SvS from Jay Dee. “Let this be a call to arms / At the changing of the avante garde / Nothing in this world... is beautiful.” Is Janus a pessimist? If so, he’s a good juxtaposition to Patton, the optimist. Also, the vocals remind me of like a really old timey radio, semi-haunted... my instincts say that it feels like the singer is like Harrison Bergeron (Kurt Vonnegut; do read it; it’s a good short story) trying to tell the truth about this world that people think is a good place.

Talking at the Same Time: Someone please draw Janus as like a 1920s gentleman character swaggering... wait I can. This song reminds me of “Why don’t you do right” by Jessica Rabbit on “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Jazz or blues? Either one. This song is really depressing? I don’t know why, but there is that feel of everything is hopeless. Pessimistic, again. “A tiny boy... made a sword from a stick and a gun from his hand” reminds me of Roman in a way? But then again, the “we bailed out all the millionaires / they’ve got the fruit / We’ve got the rind” doesn’t remind me of Roman.

all the good girls go to hell: “MY LUCIFER IS LOOONELYY”... sorry I love this song. Anyways, the lyrics really speak to Janus just because of the whole duality and Christian metaphors. Also, J is the side who would definitely “want the Devil on her team”. We love the whole duality motif. I just *chef’s kiss x3*.

Denial: OH MY GOSH THE SVS REDUX... J was denial. HE WAS DENIAL. “Just don’t shut your eyes closed / Not until I get it off my chest” is basically the blindfold metaphor that happened throughout SvS, so would this be the message he wants to send to Thomas and Patton... or maybe the entire light sides. “Have you turned a corner? / Do you think of leaving me behind?” Dark side acceptance arc? Also, “I know you’re looking for direction... I know where you wanna go / Oh I do, but do you?” is to Roman and Thomas for the callback because he knew they wanted to go “so bad.”

(click for more analysis and summary!)

Trust in Me: Of course, snek boi, I knew this could be something you’ll put in. But do we trust you? So this is his suave villainy song. This again shows how Bananaconda child operates; he wants Thomas to trust him and be selfish but excessively. That’s why balance is necessary for all of the sides!

Razzle Dazzle: *gasp* MUSICAL SONGS NOW? YASSS. Definition is “noisy, showy, and exciting activity and display designed to attract and impress,” so the whole facade of being fancy to hide the insecurities and “bad” parts. Sounds like someone we know (*cough* ROMAN *cough*). “What if your hinges all are rusting / What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting? / Razzle dazzle ‘em and they’ll never catch wise” is just a jab and a stab at Roman. Or maybe it’s him. He’s also the dramatic one. If so, we have angst arriving.

When the Chips are Down: HADESTOWN OH MY YES! STRINGS! AAAAA! Does Janus give me Fate vibes in a way? Yes, definitely. “Nobody’s righteous / Nobody’s proud / Nobody’s innocent / Now that the chips are down” Holy CRAPP. It’s the perfect response to Patton’s “Nobody’s perfect... except for Thomas, he loves his friends!” in SvS. Now that the “chips are down,” Thomas should take after himself... after all, the Fates were telling Eurydice to look after herself. Sounds like what Janus said to Thomas after the Redux.

Mandy Goes to Med School: Oh. Um. This sounds like the whole jazz/20′s theme. This song’s apparently about abortion? I’m kinda confused, so feel free to add on! But it’s quite the bop, just listening to it. Maybe the whole thought that society makes laws based on a false conception? Help.

I Put A Spell On You: Janus definitely goes to jazz clubs. “I can’t stand it ‘cause you put me down” and “I tell ya I ain’t lyin’” and “Because you’re mine” makes the whole villainesque feel. I don’t know where this was from, but this stands out to me just because it was on the “Friends on the Other Side Mashup”.

Evil Night Together: Ominous, and then jazzy. Jay Dee’s flirting skills go to the max. This also gives the villain vibe by the lyrics referencing things that Remus would be fond about. Also, “Who’s gonna make you a hero” seems to be directed to Roman like he did in SvS. This is a very seductive song with really dark undertones about crime. Janus, that slimy snek boi is a lawful neutral to evil.

Dont’ Tell Mama: Cabaret... a classic musical, eh? “Hush up, don’t tell mama / Shush up, don’t tell mama” goes to Janus’ power to silence people. “If you had a secret, you bet I would keep it / I would never tell on you...” Janus is definitely the one about lies and secrets, so that goes to that.

You’re a Cad: “What’s the point pretending that you could be a better man? / Just give in, since you always end up right back where you began” “You’re a rascal and a rogue, a villain and a crook” is the other sides viewing him, and “Still I tug at your line, I’m a fish on your hook” and “I should be better, but I’m worse” is hinting at some Janus angst. I think it’s going to be something about trust

As Far as I Can See: JANUS ANGST TRUCKING IN ON TO YA: “Nobody loves me / As far as I can tell.” Or even “Nobody’s listening as far as I can tell / And when I’m crying out / Nobody cries back for me.” Haha... I’m totally fine (*sobbing*). Also, the “we’re all going down / all down the staircase aboard” either hints at the Redux statement of pushing people off staircases... or maybe Virgil who went down the staircase and left the dark sides. Gosh, I thought this was gonna be a hype song by the beat, but I stand corrected.

Criminal: Oh, so the angst continues. Great. Totally great. This somehow links back to the bloopers of Thomas, as J, saying “I’m not bad; I’m just drawn that way.” This is peak sarcasm in a way, but I don’t really know. “I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins / I’ve come to you cause I need guidance to be true / And I just don’t know where I can begin”... is this from Thomas to Janus or the other way? If it’s from Thomas, Janus is kinda mad and is using as much sass as he wants. If it’s from Janus, it’s either he’s lying or he genuinely wants a redemption arc like Virgil did... but in a not so righteous way with “And I need to be redeemed / To the one I’ve sinned against / Because he’s all I ever knew of love.” I don’t really know, but this is such a bop.

Change: “I’ve been thinking it’s just someone else’s job to care / Who am I to sympathize when no one gives a d-” and “” Wow. Janus has his similarities with Logan. He wants to be listened to the sides. I mean, there is a reason why he impersonates the light sides: to be listened without bias. “Change is a powerful thing / I feel it coming in me” foreshadows some good stuff with Janus! YES! Also, “Maybe by the time this song is done / I’ll be able / To be honest” and the rest of the lyrics just hit me like a truck? It hurts the soul in a way. Change is inevitable is the message, so would that mean Janus could have an upgrade? I mean, the change started when SvS Redux happened with him coming out and being accepted by the light sides, so maybe, maybe things will change from there in a good way.

Devil In The Details: “A house of cards / A supple heart / Is not a place to dwell”.... Patton? Oh no. “But know there’s no backing out / This is gonna be reality / You can never dream it out” is going to his reputation and relations with the sides and Thomas? He seemed to have hesitated to say his name and let his reputation down since that would change everything that he has known over the years. Would this mean the dark and light side thing will break in later episodes? Maybe. “I put the past into the ground / I saw the future as a cloud / If there’s still time to turn around / I’m going to” is a big oof. And then... “I am the first one I deceive / If I can make myself believe / The rest is easy” comes in. Is Janus lying to himself? He’s the manifestation of deceit, but is he also doing that to himself? Or it could be to Thomas. But then again...

Come Little Children: Spooky. Nice. This feels like a lullaby. “It must be this way / To weary of life and deceptions / Rest now my children...” and then “The time’s come to play / Here in my garden of shadows” make me think that Janus thinks that this life is quite... painful. I am not too sure about this, tell me what y’all think!

Into The Unknown: Oh it’s not that one. It’s the one from Over The Garden Wall (the animation if I remember it right). I don’t know why, but I saw Come Little Children and connected that to Into the Unknown as words, so that was cool. “Dancing in a swirl / Of golden memories / The loveliest lies / Of all” refers to nostalgia. This song is about nostalgia. Wait. OH WAIT. Patton’s room is all about that... so would that mean nostalgia is also part of Jay Dee too because of the mood around it that is distorted by emotions? That’s something really cool to think about. One more: “If dreams can’t come true / Then why not pretend?” I feel like this points to Virgil in a way because his dream is complete acceptance, but Janus knows V was a dark side, so maybe he’s hinting at Virgil pretending to compensate for the fact that he is a dark side.

Summary:

Janus’ aesthetic would be a 1920-40 vintage theme with jazz on the background, strings and piano used ominous effect, and being flashy and dramatic. He wants to be listened to the other sides, so he puts up different disguises (like to Pat and Lo), which includes his villain facade he put on for the past maybe 2 or 3 years. He strongly believes that society is built on lies, and like in SvS, he doesn’t want Thomas to be disadvantaged in the said society. He loves the whole duality and juxtapositions (I mean, his name is Janus for a good reason) because he embraces them both. He jabs at several sides for them faking themselves to hide their true feelings, but then again, he might also be lying to himself. He knows that change is inevitable after the whole name reveal, and we know that his acceptance arc is going to come. It could be about trust and facing the reality... just my thoughts. In other words, this playlist gave me a bunch of reasons on why Janus is a great morally gray character.

FEEL FREE TO ADD ON! I LOVE SHARING THOUGHTS! Especially with analysis, more people means more thoughts and new ideas and theories. Thank you!

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canongf-archive · 3 years

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✨ heavenshipped’s guide to becoming your own main character ✨

i wanted to elaborate a little more on this ask and give a few tips and tricks and things that i’ve done in the process, just in case anyone is trying to give this a go and they don’t know where to start!!!

ok. so. the best thing i’ve done is created an alter ego. almost a s/i, but for real life. a dream me. make a dream you!

if you could be anything you wanted to be, what would you be like? what kind of clothes would you wear? what colors would you surround yourself with? what kind of music would you listen to? what would you read? what would you do in your free time? how do you want to be seen? how do you want to make other people feel when you’re around? how do you want to feel?

think of that type of person that you see and want to emulate. that fictional character. that aesthetic, that genre, that time period. you can draw inspiration from anything and everything and from more than one at a time!

i created a pinterest board full of images that included colors i liked, clothes i wanted to wear, makeup looks i wanted to try, places i wanted to go, and pictures that just gave me the same feeling that i wanted to give myself & others! it was really fun and it helped me visualize this dream version of myself!

create that version of you. let them live in your head. carry them around with you. get comfortable with them. and then become them.

it doesn’t have to be all at once! it’s okay to take baby steps!

use body spray / body wash / deodorant / lotion that makes you smell like how your alter ego would wanna smell. shave if you want, don’t shave if you don’t want to! cut your hair or grow it out long, learn how to style it, and if for no other reason than to just learn something new and because sometimes it feels nice to get your hair played with. figure out what makes you feel best in your own skin!

add or remove makeup to or from your routine! if this person you want to be wears makeup, give it a try! it doesn’t have to be anything drastic. sometimes just a dusting of blush on my nose and some highlighter gives me a mood boost. sometimes just curling my lashes and using a shiny chapstick makes me feel glamorous! if you wear makeup but the person you want to be doesn’t want to wear makeup, you don’t need it. start taking it out of your routine little by little if you’re not ready to quit cold turkey.

put together new outfits that you think this person would wear! you don’t have to wear them out if you’re not comfortable just yet. you can wear them around your room and work your way up! even if you don’t have any pieces of clothing that you feel like fit the look you want, focus on colors! maybe wear lighter or darker colors more often, depending on what you like! or if you’re not in a place where you can wear what you want to, for whatever reason, don’t ever underestimate the power of a good pair of underwear. there are so many options for whatever you’re feeling and nobody has to see them.

rearrange your room to fit your preferences better! sometimes you can’t completely change things, depending on where you’re living, and that’s okay! maybe just organize your personal belongings in a new way, tape something fun to look at up on the wall, or find a candle with a scent that you like that you can light! take control of what you can take control of.

start a show that you think your alter ego would watch. listen to a new music artist you think your alter ego would listen to. eat or drink something new that you think your alter ego would make or order. try a hobby that you think your alter ego would like. you don’t have to stick with any of these things if you hate them! sometimes it’s just fun to give things a go and see what happens!

remember that you don’t have to get rid of the things that you already love or do things that you don’t want to do just because you feel like it’s what this alter ego version of yourself would do! there is always room for what you care about and there doesn’t have to be room for things that you don’t.

create a playlist filled with songs about your alter ego! this is something that i did and it’s been so useful. i find songs that i like, that make me happy, and i pretend they were written about me. that the artist is singing them about me. i made a whole playlist of them and when i need a boost, i put it on!

got an insecurity? romanticize it. i haven’t always liked the way my hips look, so i went and looked at statues of goddesses until i found ones that looked kinda like mine. i saved the pictures to come back to on bad days. sometimes i get breakouts and i hate ‘em, but i started telling myself that it was just my skin reacting because i’m an angel trapped in a human body and this vessel can’t hold all that i am. when i say romanticize, i honestly mean it. it might seem silly, but after a while it makes you feel really nice and the possibilities are endless. get creative!

call up the friends that make you feel on top of the world and distance yourself from anyone that makes you feel less than that (if you can). revisit compliments you’ve been given. write them down. write new ones about yourself.

you’re the protagonist here. everything you want to be, you have the capability to be that inside of you right now. you deserve to feel it.

it’s been so much fun for me, waking up each day and choosing a new way to present this dream version of myself to the world. i’ve kept the things that i love and i’ve incorporated them into this new person that i’m creating and it’s been so rewarding to become someone that i like everything about! i hope that you’re able to get that same kind of experience too. 💗

#nobody asked for this LMAO #but i thought it would b fun to compile some things!!!#i have no secrets here im giving u all my tools #it's been so helpful for me and i want u to be able to be ur own main character if u wanna be #mine: positivity #it's not really self ship though so #not self ship #long post #i got carried away whew

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katehuntington · 4 years

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Title: Ride With Me (part eighteen) Fandom: Supernatural Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±7450 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part eighteen: A week later Dean and Y/N are training for the Flagstaff Horse Show, a last repetition for Congress. They are enjoying the honeymoon phase of their relationship, until Bobby calls Dean into his office. Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: ‘Little Boy’ - Barns Courtney (scene Singer house), ‘The Farm’ - Thomas Newman. Follow ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: I’m excited for this one, y’all! Thank you @kittenofdoomage, @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish and @winchest09 for helping me. You girls are awesome betas and friends.

Ride With Me Masterlist

“More leg, Y/N. Keep rhythm in that circle!” Dean has climbed up on the fence of the large arena. His hands are folded together and his elbows rest on his knees, the heels of his cowboy boots hooked behind the lower bar. He watches a horse and rider in front of him from under his hat, picking up even the tiniest flaw and highlighting what’s done well. As her trainer gives directions, Y/N pushes her calves a little tighter against Meadow’s flank, her right hand outstretched towards the mare’s ears as they finish their circle at speed. Elevated in her stirrups slightly, she makes sure the circle stays perfectly round while maintaining the constant one-two-three beat of hooves drumming against the earth. She can hear Dean’s strong and clear voice above the noise of the wind. “There ya go. Nice one!”

It’s 6.45 AM and the sun has just risen, its early rays of daybreak warming the headwrangler’s back. The nights are getting colder, even in the valley, so the warmth is pleasantly welcome. Summer has come to an end, which means the ranchers are following a different work schedule now. Downside; their midday siestas are no longer a thing, at least not until spring. Upside, they start an hour and a half later in the morning. When he says ‘they’, he means ‘everyone but him and Y/N’, because they have been training for Congress every day.

The perfect final repetition for the big event in Columbus is a local horse show in Flagstaff, coming up this weekend. Gold Canyon ranch is going there with a truckload of horses and both Jo and Dean are competing. The head wrangler convinced Y/N to sign up as well. They can test the new freestyle and see how Meadow does in competition, since it’s been a while since she last showed.

Pleased, he observes the woman who was born to ride. They are ready, no doubt about that. He knows it; the only person who needs to believe it now is Y/N. “Wanna practise a few stops and call it a day? Wouldn’t wanna overwork her,” he suggests when her horse comes past in a slow canter, or a lope. “No spins?” she checks, not confident with leaving such an essential element out of her training. Dean smiles at her eagerness; ever the perfectionist. “I’ve never seen you two screw up a spin. Don’t worry, they are solid,” he reassures.

She nods while looking over her shoulder, then straightens her back, following the movements of her horse. When she reaches the short end of the arena, she steers away from the fence, bringing Meadow onto the straight line out of another perfect circle. Y/N doesn’t get the chance to give aid to pick up momentum, because before they are fully straightened out, her partner speeds up already. “Circle her back. Let her wait,” Dean instructs. The cowgirl tilts her pelvis slightly and sinks deeper in the saddle, before swerving away from the line. She shakes her head disapproving. Come on, Y/N, you can do better than that.

“She keeps taking over,” Y/N ponders, slowing down when approaching her trainer. “She’s a smart horse. Most of the time that works in your favor, sometimes it doesn't. She wants to anticipate instead of letting you do the thinkin’. You don’t wanna discourage her enthusiasm, so what you gotta do is keep her busy. Give her something to do, vary your patterns. Throw her off her game a lil’ bit,” Dean explains to his pupil, who listens intently. “Ride down the line again, but don’t do the usual sliding stop at the end. Don’t speed up, don’t even think about the stop, okay? All you’re gonna do is let her wait for your call.” Y/N nods, feeling a little bit more confident after being given directions. “Okay.”

She moves her reins over Meadow’s mane, turning her around, gently aiding her to hustle forward in an easy canter. When she’s back at the short end of the large pen, the rider lets her horse roll away from the fence and onto the line again. She can feel the power under her, so much energy waiting for a release and ready to bolt. “Steady... Just sit and relax. Let her figure it out,” Dean calls out, loud enough to reach his student’s ears several yards away. A little confused Meadow pulls at the bit slightly, but Y/N does exactly what she’s supposed to do. Instead of punishing the behavior, she ignores it and lopes down the line, repeating the exercise. The second time around, the American Quarter mare already has her ears perked at her rider, waiting for a cue. “Change leads. Try the same thing on the right hand.” Trying to sit loose in the saddle, moving with the thousand pound animal under her, Y/N guides her horse onto the diagonal line and crosses the arena. Normally she would do a flying change in the center, a transition from left to right canter during the brief moment of suspension, almost like the horse is skipping. However, this time the rider decides against it, making Meadow wait until she reaches the other end, where Dean is watching his pupil closely from the fence. “Smart, well done! That’s riding, Yankee,” the head wrangler compliments.

With a smile on her face she continues the exercize, working on her horse’s assertiveness and patience instead of the actual pattern. Dean has a point; she can ride the test blindfolded. Hell, blindfold Meadow too and they would still be able to nail it, but only if the mare is willing to wait and follow her lead. The third time Y/N canters up the simple straight line, the bay mare relaxes, lowering her head a little more and calmly keeping a slow and steady rhythm. It’s exactly the response Dean was hoping for. “Next straight you do the sliding stop,” he says, just loud enough for the rider to hear, as if he’s worried the intelligent horse might pick up on it and understand what he’s saying.

Calm, Meadow turns the corner to the straight line, her breaths even, loose muscles rolling under her damp skin. This time Y/N can give the Quarterhorse an aid before she increases speed, which she does with powerful strides. When the mare is going down the line full throttle, Y/N counts down. Three… two… one…

The rider sinks deep into the leather of her saddle, pushing her stirrups forward and braces for the sudden stop. She can feel Meadow’s hindquarters lower when she plants her hocks into the soil of the arena. They slide several yards, leaving skid marks in the sand, and when the combination has come to a complete halt, Y/N moves her weight slightly to one side and takes the reins with her as well. The eager horse performs a rollback, a movement right after a stop during which the horse turns on her hind quarters and canters forward in the direction they came from. “That was awesome!” Dean exclaims. “Cool her down; she’s done for today.”

Pleased, Y/N lets her precious four legged friend transition to an easy jog, patting her on the shoulder. She feels beyond relieved that her training went so well. With her former trainer Marcel, the final repetition before a show usually meant bootcamp, pushing Meadow to her limits. But Dean treats her differently. He thinks things through, looks beyond the pattern itself and can really pinpoint what they need to work on, and often it’s not the routine itself, but the preparation and the foundation of horse riding.

“She felt really good, huh?” Dean looks up at the rider, seemingly content, as they exit the arena and walk back to the tack up area. “She did. I’m excited for tomorrow,” Y/N returns, halting under the Joshua tree. “Have you seen the starting order?” Dean nods as he glances up at her, narrowing his eyes when the sun peeks under his hat and blinds him. “I have.” “I’m fifth on the list,” the cowgirl mutters, not happy about her draw. “Any good riders in my class?” The head wrangler reads his student carefully, who is clearly fishing for answers. He’s very much aware where this is coming from. It’s a trait of hers, one that used to be much more evident, yet still surfaces every so often, especially in a new situation or uncertain times; she’s insecure.

“Does it matter?” her trainer reminds her. “Eyes on the ball, Yankee. Flagstaff is just a practice run for Congress.” “Sure, but I still want to win,” Y/N counters, matter of factly. “Oh, talking about Congress…” She looks down on Dean, a mischievous grin playing on her lips. “I booked our room.” His brow perks up, staring at his girlfriend for a second. That seductive look in her eyes is giving him all sorts of ideas. “Our room?” “Yeah, most hotels were fully booked, and this room is one of the few I could find,” she adds, teasingly, swinging her leg over the front of her horse, making sure her spur doesn’t hurt Meadow’s neck. “And you know what? There’s only one bed.” “You don’t say,” Dean smirks, stepping closer and running his hand up her denim clad legs slowly. She nods, not dismounting her horse just yet, but taking off her western hat and hanging it on the horn of the saddle. Instead, she seductively keeps her eyes locked on his green ones, the sunlight bringing out a hint of amber in them. “We don’t have to worry about squeaky bunk beds, or waking half the ranch…” “Or Garth taking a piss,” Dean recalls. She laughs, leaning forward now and slipping from the saddle smoothly, but Dean catches her, holding her up.

The cowgirl folds her arms around his neck. “You know, I read this research paper on how sex actually increases dopamines, which results in the athlete performing better.” “Interesting,” Dean is barely able to stop his trademark grin from showing, the effort creating dimples in his cheeks. “Would you like to test that theory?” “I booked us a suite with a queen size bed. What do you think?” she chuckles, so comfortable in his arms. “Well, in that case I’m more than willing to go the extra mile for my favorite student,” he grins, lowering her to the ground, after which he kisses her sweetly.

Meadow turns her ear towards the pair when Y/N’s back brushes against the saddle. She doesn’t take advantage of her owner being distracted and waits patiently, even though she’s not tied up to the pole yet. If the cowgirl didn’t know any better, she’d claim her horse has been their matchmaker all along, casually walking a little closer to Dean’s horse whenever they rode side by side, even taking a liking to the wrangler, despite that she has never been a huge fan of men.

Dean reels the cowgirl in, letting his hand roam over her hips as he deepens the kiss. He can’t get enough of her, especially now that he has surrendered in the battle he was fighting with himself. Ever since he let his guard down and submitted to the feelings that lay deep, the weight he was carrying seems a little less. To have someone to share his life and his passion with, knowing that she’s his and no one else’s, it’s something he never expected to find. It’s certainly not something he feels like he deserves, but he has managed to push that denigrating voice to the back of his mind. They are in love with each other, that’s all he needs right now.

Dean watches Y/N after he parts from her, in awe by the joy that radiates from the girl who has such a hold on him. He has seen her beam before, when she’s amongst the crew, when he makes her laugh. But he hasn’t witnessed this level of bliss and fulfillment yet. She’s glowing, and damn, it looks good on her. Y/N blushes when she notices his captivated stare. “What?” “You look happy,” he comments, leaving a short kiss on her lips again. She smiles, her gaze drifting away as she lets her hands slip from behind his neck down his chest, analysing this contentment that she’s experiencing. She’s somewhat stunned by the conclusion; Dean is right.

“I feel like - like I’m finally at a point in my life where things are coming together,” she realizes. “I spent years of my life in books, riding as much as I could aside from classes, just to get better. I tried to find that ‘click’ with so many horses, fell off, failed...” She huffs, thinking of all the times she almost gave up. Overwhelmed, overworked. School, ride, sleep, repeat. All while Granddad tried to find her the perfect horse. “Then Meadow crossed my path.” She rubs the mare’s withers, earning an appreciative purr as the horse glances over her shoulder. The head wrangler watches the two, the unbreakable bond, the friendship that will last a lifetime. It’s an indescribable feeling to have such a strong connection with an animal, one he knows well.

Turning her attention to her horse, Y/N undoes the leather strap under Meadow’s chin and removes the bridle, replacing it with a halter. Meanwhile, Dean takes her hat off the horn and places it back on her head, earning a chuckle. He then continues to loosen the sinch and removes the saddle, humid clouds of warm air coming from Meadow’s back. “I couldn’t believe it when Grandpa bought her. You should’ve seen me; I went out of my mind,” she says, reminiscing while taking off Meadow’s leg protection. Dean chuckles at that, able to picture it perfectly. Her reaction to qualifying for Congress offers a good indication. Before he turns the faucet on, he hands the hose to Y/N, noticing the smile fading from her face. “But then he died. It took me a while to get back from that,” she admits, glad to have something to do to keep her mind occupied. Often the tears still prick in her eyes when she talks about her grandfather, but today she manages to keep them at bay. Mesmerized, Dean listens. He had guessed before that her granddad had passed away, since she used the past tense whenever she mentioned him. He never pushed her to talk about it, though, knowing that if the roles were reversed, he would appreciate the space too. “You got back up, though,” he says, hoping she can recognize the willpower it took. She nods, smiling faintly as she puts the hose aside. “I figured that after everything that he’s done for me, the least I could do was make him proud. I won State, I graduated a year early and cum laude.” “And then you ended up in this dump,” Dean fills in, trying to lighten the mood. She chuckles at his joke and shakes her head, untying Meadow.

“Actually, ending up in this ‘dump’ is probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me,” she states, leading her horse to her box, Dean in tow. “I’m learning a lot here, and not just about ranch work. It has grounded me. Plus, I met this very handsome cowboy, too.” Dean smirks. “Did ya?” Y/N hums, turning after she shuts the stable door. “Why do you think I can’t stop smiling?”

His eyes bounce between hers, only now realizing that he has a big part in her happiness. It humbles him, knowing that he makes her feel this way. Never before has he stood where he is standing now, in a relationship, let alone in a relationship with this one hell of a woman. Most of the time he has no idea what he’s doing, his gut feeling his only guidance, but apparently he’s doing something right. She has a spring in her step when she walks, her eyes shine when she laughs, and he is the reason.

Wanting to tell her she is his reason too, but not knowing the words to that song, he takes off his western hat to fit under hers and wields his lips to hers. The kiss is less playful than the ones earlier, but all the more meaningful. Her lashes brush against his freckled skin, her hands cup his face, fingertips tracing the stubble on his jaw. The cowboy’s heart grows warm, rising in his chest, the sensation having him light headed. She is everything he never knew he needed, and he’s never going to let her go.

They hear footsteps coming around the corner, but both the wranglers are too occupied to pay attention, until a familiar voice puts an end to their private moment. “Really? Could you not? I haven’t even had breakfast yet,” Jo puts her hands on her small waist and halts when she notices the couple. “This is a lot to muster on an empty stomach, y’know?” Y/N chuckles after breaking away from her boyfriend, Dean rolls his eyes dramatically at his cousin. “Get lost, Jo,” he scolds, ignoring her request. “I’d advise you to get lost, because my dad is hot on my heels,” she returns smartly, before opening the door to the cafeteria, which is situated next to Meadow’s box.

The cowboy’s eyes grow wide as he quickly distances himself from the woman he held in his arms just a mere second ago, before Bobby turns the corner. Awkwardly, Dean fidgets with the brim of his hat as Y/N straightens out her shirt and wipes her hands on her jeans, hoping her tan will hide the blush that heats her cheeks. “Mornin’, Bobby,” Dean greets, trying not to act suspicious. His uncle looks at them now as if he only just noticed them, his weary eyes lingering on the intern for a short second before they focus on Dean. “Can I talk to you in my office?” he asks the head wrangler, even though it sounds more like an order. “S-sure,” Dean stammers, gulping nervously. “I’m getting my coffee first,” the ranch owner announces, before he disappears into the cafeteria. “Meet me there. You can let yourself in.”

Dean takes an apprehensive breath when the door closes, the tight feeling in his chest not so pleasant now. Y/N’s observing him; he can feel her eyes burning in the side of his head. “Why don’t you just tell him?” she sighs. “It’s been over a week.” “I think he might be on to us already,” he says, clearly not at ease with that presumption. “I just wanted to ease him in when he’s not… you know, cranky.” She frowns at that. “It’s Bobby; he’s always cranky. I thought Ellen--” “- Ellen said he was gonna be fine with us being together - yes - but Bobby specifically told me not to mess around with you,” Dean recalls, returning his gaze from the door to Y/N. “Well, I hope what we have going on here is a little bit more than you ‘messing around’ with me,” she returns with a tone. “Of course it is. Hey...” He lifts her chin up with a curled index finger, pleading to look him in the eye. “This, us… It means a hell of a lot to me. Please tell me you know that.” Her expression softens. She couldn’t be mad at him if she tried. “I know. I just wish we wouldn’t have to sneak around anymore,” she admits. “I’ll tell him.” He presses his lips to hers quickly, glancing at the door before he does, making sure they will not get caught. “Save some bacon for me, will ya?” “Will do,” she promises, pushing him off gingerly before she opens the door to join the rest of the crew for breakfast.

He watches her leave, holding on to the sight of her as long as he can. She’s right; he needs to come clean. It doesn’t feel right to go behind Bobby’s back. Plus, with them leaving for Flagstaff this afternoon, he wants to be able to say out loud that he’s spoken for, aware there’s gonna be a few girls who might want to make a move on him. Not by any means is he worried he will not be able to resist the temptation, because as far as he’s concerned, there is none. But he doesn’t want to have to hide their relationship just because his uncle isn’t aware yet.

Dean puts his hat back on as he steps outside into the sun, which is steadily rising in the morning sky. Going over different versions of his announcement, he jogs up the stairs of the house, pulling back the screen door before he steps inside. Out of habit, he kicks his boots off and hangs his Stetson on the coat hanger, like he was taught when he moved in with his aunt and uncle at the age of fourteen.

The house is quiet, Ellen cooking up breakfast for the crew in the cafeteria at the stables. He crosses the living room and strolls into the kitchen, taking a glass from the cabinet and pouring himself some milk from the fridge. This place still has the same homey feel to it, it even smells the same as he remembered. He still knows his way around, even though he hasn’t slept under this roof since he was twenty. At a certain age, he wanted to be amongst the crew, hang with Benny and the other guys, and have a little more freedom. Jo joined them in the bunkhouse a couple of years later when she got rebellious and never really left, even though she still has a room upstairs.

Dean leans against the counter, taking a few gulps of milk. A smile forms on his lips when he notices some of the old photos on the fridge. Ellen always mixes them up, taking them out of albums and putting them in frames, some ending up on the refrigerator or pinned to the board in the office, others are on display in the saloon and in the cafeteria. One of the pictures portrays him on one of the first mustangs he trained, and next to him Jo on her pony, a little fellow called Ghost. He must have been fifteen or sixteen at the time, his cousin not older than ten. There’s another one of him and both Ellen and Bobby at his uncle’s fiftieth birthday; Dean was twenty-one then. The first birthday besides his own where he was allowed to drink, but he has never been a saint. God knows how many times he and Benny and Gabe started the Saturday shift hung over, before he reached the legal age. He grins at the memory.

His eyes glide over the photos, all seemingly normal snapshots, freeze frames of a country boy’s upbringing. But that’s it, isn’t it? It wasn’t normal to Dean. His life made a complete one-eighty when his aunt and uncle took their nephew in. They did it without question, never once asking for anything in return. They reminded him what it’s like to feel safe, loved, what it’s like to be a kid again.

It took him awhile before he could get past the years of worry, fear, and guilt, but eventually he found his way again. Has he forgotten about his childhood, the time he spent with his father and his little brother? Hell, no. He’ll never forget what happened, how the situation escalated and how everyone gave up on family except him, until there was nothing more the loyal son could do to stop the Winchesters from falling apart. But after all the trauma, the lesions on his soul, the nightmares, and endless regret, he found a place he calls home and is surrounded by people who, by blood or by heart, are his family.

The hinges of the screen door squeak and rattle when Bobby enters the house. Just like Dean did moments ago, the old man steps out of his boots, knowing very well that his wife will scold him if she finds dirty footprints on the wooden floors when she returns. He hobbles into the house, noticing his nephew in the kitchen. “Comin’?” he says, nodding at the office, further down the hall.

Dean empties his glass and leaves it in the sink, following his uncle. When he enters the room, he notices the stack of papers on the desk, open folders littering the flat surface. There’s an open filebox on the floor, numbers and letters scribbled in a notebook. Bobby has never been the person to keep his office tidy, especially with all the extra paperwork that comes with not owning a computer, but right now it looks like a bomb went off in here. “Take a seat.” Bobby circles the desk and puts down his coffee mug, closing the blinders to prevent curious eyes from peeking inside.

Dean does as told, a frown edging lines between his brows. The vibe he is picking up isn’t a pleasant one and he’s sensing this talk will not be about his relationship with the intern. Carefully, he reads the ranch owner, who sits down, rests his elbows on the oak desk and forks his calloused hands together. Bobby doesn’t look up at him, and it’s only now that his nephew notices how the circles under his eyes seem a little darker, his head hanging low between his shoulders, which carry so much weight. “We’re taking two of the youngsters to Flagstaff,” Bobby announces. “I need you to decide which ones, so I can send in the information to the auction committee.” “Whoa, what?” Dean says, confused. “I’ve barely haltered a handful. I thought you wanted them under saddle before we sold them?” “There’s no time for that.”

His uncle adjusts the worn baseball cap on his head, still not looking at the young man on the other side of his desk. “What do you mean, there’s no--” Dean stops when Bobby glares at him from under the hat, silencing his nephew with just a look. “Pick the two who you reckon would go for a good price. And I need you to compete two extra horses as well. The palomino stallion, you think you can show him in the four year old class?” “Yeah, I - I guess,” Dean says, realizing that riding five horses in competition is going to be a challenge, especially when it comes to time management, but he doesn’t have the courage to contradict the ranch owner. “Good. I don’t expect them to come home with us,” Bobby acknowledges, picking a folder from the file case next to his desk, flipping through ownership certificates and taking out a file. “I contacted some buyers.” “Which one’s the fifth you want me to bring?” Dean asks, carefully. “Joplin,” Bobby states.

Dean closes his eyes briefly, cursing internally. He knows Y/N has grown fond of the feisty mare; it’s gonna hurt her to see the little dark horse leave. “Joplin ain’t the easiest to ride and I can’t use her for the tourists; she’s the obvious choice. She’s good for ranch work and with the cattle, so I’ll sign her up for the cutting competition.” The ranch owner takes out Joplin’s file as well, adding it to the small stack in front of him. “The intern did some cattle work with her, right?” Dean nods. “Yeah, rode her on the trail too.” “Y/N can ride her then, they seem like a good fit. Discuss it with her, let me know if she wants to,” the old man decides, looking up at his right hand when he stays quiet. “I contacted Jody Mills; she might have some clients for Joplin.” “Bobby, what the hell is going on?”

Dean’s worried eyes study his uncle, an unraveling stare boring through the rancher’s tough armor, who is unable to hold his gaze. The weariness seeps through the cracks when Bobby rubs his forehead, leaning back with a sigh, the old desk chair creaking. “We’re in bad waters, ain’t we?” the wrangler realizes. Bobby still doesn’t look up, but nods quietly, admitting to the painful truth. He seems ashamed, as if he - the head of this family - is failing. The man opposite of him can feel the pressure his uncle is experiencing; he knows it well. Just the sheer thought of the ranch being in much more trouble than he originally anticipated has him anxious, his heart rate picking up. These lands, the company, the horses… could they all be at risk?

“How bad?” he asks firmly, even though he’s not sure if he wants to hear the answer. “I just ordered stable bedding, hay and pellets without havin’ paid for the last bulk. I can’t pay you or the boys by the end of the month, unless we make a profit in Flagstaff,” Bobby admits. “Then there’s the mortgage, bank loans, taxes...” Dean leans his elbow on the armrest of his chair, rubs his temple. “What happened to the money we earned on the livestock you sold Rufus?” “Used it on the electrical bill I was behind on and paid the city and the bank. I owed Caleb a lot of money too.” The wrangler’s eyes flick up at his uncle again. “So it’s all gone?” Bobby nods again. “Yeah, ‘fraid so.”

Troubled, he reaches for his coffee, taking a sip of the hot brew, wishing it was whiskey. From under his cap he watches Dean process the information, the knowledge doing a number on him, even though he acts tough. Bobby knows his nephew. Hell, he’s been living on his land for so long, he considers him a son. He knows how he values this place and the people and animals living here. He knows how much he craved shelter when he stood on the doorstep fifteen years ago. That’s exactly what this place is for him: his safe haven. And now that a storm is coming, now that his world threatens to cave, he’s losing his footing as well.

Dean leaves his chair, paces up and down the small room twice, his arms crossed and pondering on a solution. “You can keep my salary,” Dean says, “I know it’s a drop in the ocean, but I’ve got a roof over my head, that’s all I need. I have some savings too--” “Dean, I don’t want your money,” Bobby makes clear, his voice less stern. “This ain’t your cross to bear.” “Hell, it ain’t!” he exclaims, raising his arms up in despair. “This is my home too, and I’m not about to lose it!” “Do you really believe I’m givin’ it up that easy? It’s my life’s work, damn it!” his uncle raises his voice to level with Dean’s, but tones it down when he continues. “No one is losing their home. We’re just gonna have to save and make money before this spins out of control, stay afloat until business picks up again. That’s why we’re gonna bring more horses to Flagstaff, see if we can make some deals.”

Dean calms down slightly after his outburst, but is nowhere near at ease. He places his hands on his sides now, focusing on the floorboards. After a deep breath he collects himself. “We can take the large Pinto and the red dun Mustang for the auction,” he determines. “Alright,” Bobby writes it down, picking up the phone to make the call. “We’re still leaving at three?” His head wrangler nods, burdened, taking the que and turns towards the door. “Son?” Dean halts in the doorway, glancing over his shoulder at the man who has been more like a dad to him than his own father ever was. A few strands of light squeeze through the blinds, illuminating the mess they are in, the rest of the room dark, shadows looming over his uncle. “We’ll figure it out, okay? Ain’t the first recession this ranch survived,” Bobby reminds him, before he dials the number he wrote down earlier.

With a forced smile Dean watches him for a few more seconds before he leaves the office, the mask dropping from his face the moment he’s out of sight. With the unsettling information still mulling over, he puts on his boots again and takes his hat from the hall stand, walking onto the porch. He needs a moment to collect himself and let’s a heavy sigh escape his lungs, his eyes wandering over the scenery before him. Gold Canyon Ranch: sacred ground, their harbor, his church. The barn with the high doors through which he walked countless times, the Joshua tree that has watched over the horses for centuries. The saloon where on a good night laughs roar and beer flows. The bunkhouse, the crooked little prairie shed where he has a room and a bed of his own. And the Singer’s residence, where he knocked on the front door in search of refuge when he was fourteen years of age, standing in the exact same spot where he’s standing now.

The sun hits him when he descends from the steps, the source of light warming the earth rapidly, despite autumn approaching. A faint headache is throbbing behind his eyes already, the conversation getting to him much more than he wants it to. Bobby tried to lessen the blow and reassure his nephew, but he knows very well it’s ten minutes to midnight. He dismisses the possibility of losing everything all over again; he can’t think like that, it will only slow him down. What he can do is think of a way to prevent this train from derailing.

He attempts to leave the worry behind, because he can’t let the rest of the crew know just how grim the situation is. Thankfully, the guys have already started their workday. He can hear the tractor pulling up behind the barn and there’s a wheelbarrow in the stable alley. Garth whistles to a country song on the radio as he empties a box with large scoops, while Jo leads a saddled horse to the arena. A quick glance through the window of the cafeteria tells him Ellen already went to the saloon, probably to start on lunch for the group of eight tourists that are currently accommodating the guest houses, but he does spot Y/N, who’s wiping down the table. When he pushes open the door, a bright smile comes his way, her light burning away the dark clouds hanging over him.

“Hey! I risked my life defending your bacon, but I managed to save you some. Scrambled eggs and two buns too. Want me to heat it up real quick?” she asks, busy putting away the cutlery and dishes she washed. “Nah, that’s alright,” he says, slumping down in the chair where Bobby usually sits. “Here.” She puts the plate down in front of him, the smell of crispy meat filling his nose. He’s not all that hungry anymore, but he starts cutting the bread either way, knowing she made an effort to make sure he had something to eat.

“How did he respond?” she wonders after a moment of silence, drying off the frying pan. Dean was about to take a bite when he freezes, only now realizing what she’s talking about. Shit, with everything going on, it completely slipped his mind why he wanted to talk to Bobby in the first place. Y/N notices the hesitation, followed by a pair of shameful eyes coming her way. She sighs, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “Dean…” “I know. I’m sorry.” He squeezes the bridge of his nose while he shuts his eyes, feeling like an idiot. “Something came up. He didn’t call me in because of us.”

The cowboy glances up warely, noticing her disappointment. If anything, he doesn’t want her to think he just forgot, or worse - that he chickened out. But business is blending with personal life here; he’s not sure if he should share with her what his boss just told him. “Why did he call you in then?” she wonders, unable to hide the discontent in her voice. “He, uh - he wants me to take more horses to Flagstaff,” he says. “To sell them.” “Oh…” Y/N puts away the pan in one of the lower cabinets. “Which ones?” “Two of the youngsters we brought in earlier this month. Bon Jovi - the four year old - and...” Dean hesitates, hating to be the bearer of bad news. “And Joplin.”

In shock the cowgirl turns to him, staring at the head wrangler. “Bobby is going to sell Joplin?” “I wish it could’ve been different,” he half apologizes, feeling sorry for Y/N. “I know you like her a lot.” She hangs the dish towel to dry and turns to lean on the back of the chair. Her airway is closing, but she swallows down the lump that builds. Dean is right; she grew fond of the little dark Quarter. Not everyone can handle her fiery spirit, but the cowgirl could, forging a strong bond between them within a short period of time. Somehow, she never expected Joplin to leave the premises. “It’s not your fault,” she says after clearing her throat. “I’m the one who gets attached to horses who aren’t my own.” The wrangler observes her, well aware she’s trying to be professional about this. “Bobby hoped you could show her at the competition,” he continues. “I can do that,” she agrees, keeping her voice steady.

Dean absently eats his bacon and egg sandwich while Y/N tidies up, giving her hands something to do while she processes what he just told her. He watches her rinse a cloth and clean the kitchen counter, rubbing over a spot to make a stain go away. Not sure if he should say anything, he focuses on finishing his plate, but it doesn’t take long before he can’t stand the silence. “You okay?” he checks, concerned. “I guess,” she turns to him, finally taking a second to sit down. “How about you?” Dean wipes his hands down his jeans to get rid of the crumbs sticking to his fingers and looks at her, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m used to horses being sold.” “That’s not what I mean,” Y/N returns, not at all surprised that he acts like there’s nothing going on. “What’s bothering you?”

She reads her boyfriend carefully when he looks at her, dropping his gaze the moment her eyes reach too deep into his soul. For a few short seconds he seems to consider telling her what’s going on, but then he shakes his head. Worry swims in circles in her stomach, his inability to open up once again having her question herself. “It’s not us, I promise,” he says sincerely, reaching for her hand across the table when he notices her doubt. “And I wanna tell you, but I can’t discuss this with anyone other than Bobby or Ellen.” “Business related?” she guesses. When Dean nods, it clicks in her head. “The ranch isn’t doing so well, is it?”

As if he got caught committing a crime, his eyes shoot up to meet hers. Shit, has he said too much? She might be his girlfriend, but she’s also the intern. She works for Bobby, for God’s sake! This isn’t information he’s supposed to share with anyone. Unsure of how to respond, he averts his gaze, but she squeezes his hand to call him back. “Dean, this is kind of my field, remember? I can see the tell-tale signs,” she reminds him.

The head wrangler holds his breath, catching his bottom lip with his teeth, but then exhales burdened, accepting she has figured it out. Self-conscious about his own vulnerability, he runs his thumb over the back of her hand as he stares at nothing in particular, focusing on the motion. Bit by bit, the curtain is pulled back, revealing just how much this newfound knowledge worries him. “Bobby says we’ll figure it out, but things are bad,” he admits after a long silence.

She nods slightly, acknowledging his statement. Honestly, she’s not surprised. She wondered how the ranch was able to run on a handful of tourists and trail rides. With only three horses in paid training, it’s impossible to generate an income that covers the dozen others owned by the family, which can’t be sold for a fair price now that the market is at an all time low. She cannot imagine the mortgage on this enormous place. There’s employees who depend on a salary, animals which need to be fed and cared for, machinery that needs maintenance. Selling stock and letting go workers; they seem like desperate measures to her, measures which will not cut it during the economic crisis this country is currently suffering from, one that might drag on for years. It’s a postponement of execution.

Dean swallows thickly, allowing her to have a glimpse of his crippling concern. He feels weak to admit it, to admit to her that the walls around him are crumbling. But a joke and a laugh cannot save him this time, there is no way he can dance around the fact that he has zero control over the financial situation, and it scares the living hell out of him. “If we lose the ranch, I wouldn’t know what to do,” he confesses. “This place is all I have.” Hell, this place is all that I am, he thinks to himself. Because, let’s face it, when you take away the horses and strip him from the opportunities he’s offered here, he’s nothing but a highschool dropout with an old pick up truck.

“That’s not true,” Y/N dismisses. “You’ve got family, ranch or not. And you have me now.” He carefully glances up at her, taken aback by the comfort in her voice. A pair of soft eyes wait for him, strengthening her words. He mirrors the small smile she’s carrying, eased by her promise. “What if I take a look at the books?” she offers. “If Bobby is okay with that, of course.” “You - You’d do that?” Dean returns, stunned, his eyebrows raised. “Yeah, of course. I mean, don’t expect miracles by any means, but I can shed some light on it. Maybe get an overview of the assets and liabilities, set up a balance sheet if there isn’t one, etcetera,” she states, making it sound like it’s no big deal. “I analyzed several large companies for my thesis.”

Impressed, the head wrangler takes in the young woman who is so wise for her age. He only now realises the intern might be the one who could steer this ship away from the massive iceberg they are heading towards. Of course she can’t magically make money appear out of thin air, but he doubts Bobby has the skill set of someone with a master’s degree in business. “You’re awesome, know that?” he huffs. “Don’t you forget it.” She grins at him, getting up from her seat and taking his plate. Before she can rinse it and reach for the dish brush, Dean’s arms snake around her waist and pull her against his chest, hooking his chin over her shoulder. He kisses her on the cheek, leaning his head against hers and ignoring his western hat when it tilts to the side. “Thank you.” She smiles. “You’re welcome.”

Y/N turns in his arms, trapped between him and the kitchen counter. She looks up to meet his admiring gaze, adjusting the Stetson on the cowboy’s head and letting her hands linger, wrists crossed behind his neck. “I’m beginning to understand just how much the ranch means to you. And frankly, this place is starting to mean a lot to me too,” she admits.

The morning light sheds diagonal beams through the set of four square windows, highlighting her hair and her beautiful smile. Dean drinks her in for a couple of solid seconds, before he dips down and kisses her. How she is able to vanquish his inner panic, just by offering her full support, doesn’t cease to amaze the wrangler. He’s not getting his hopes up, he knows the financial problems are bigger than she can fix with a run-through and a few budget cuts. But she’s trying. She’s doing her part. She’s here to help, not only the ranch, but him as well. And just like that, the future seems a lot less grim than it did a moment ago. They will figure it out and things will be okay, as long as he has her by his side.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read part nineteen here

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nahimjustfeelingit-writes · 4 years

Text

Imagine:

Erik and the reader in the middle of fucking and the reader tells him, “Erik, I wanna have yo’ baby, please”

“Erik! Up here!”

Erik looked up into the VIP section, his friend with benefits aiming her camera into his face.

“Smile for me!”

He flashed her a smile, all that gold in his bottom row teeth gleaming.

“Thank you friend!”

Erik shook his head away from her, going back to his drink and his group of guy friends. Y/N was dragged along with Erik’s occasional fuck buddy and friend from child hood, Draya. She wasn’t down for coming at first but Draya practically begged her ass to join so she wouldn’t be the only girl there with a group of guys. Plus, she needed some help rounding these niggas up since they were drinking every single bottle brought to them empty. Y/N tried to keep her eyes off of Erik, really tried. She still wasn’t over the way he fucked her the last couple of times. She was afraid Draya would take notice, maybe smell Erik on her.

“You good, girl?” Draya asks, shaking her hips to Drake- Nice For What.

“Yes, just tired,” Y/N didn’t get one look from Erik that night. She wanted him to look her way, she really wanted those eyes on her. She assumed it was because of Draya.

“It’s cool, sis, Erik was checking you out the minute we stepped into this bitch.”

Y/N stopped dancing, covering her face with embarrassment. She really wanted to go now.

“Why are you acting so ashamed? Y’all fuck?”

Draya held nothing back. Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a seat on the couch within the VIP section. She was thankful that they were in a club, everyone focused on the loud music and drinking.

“Girl, you ain’t gotta act like that with me, Erik dont owe me shit. We’re just friends who fuck around from time to time.”

Y/N stared at Draya. She sounded sincere and had a confidence in the way she spoke that made Y/N believe her.

“Girl,” she shook her head, taking a sip of her drink, “I know y’all had sex. Just tell me.”

Fuck it. Might as well admit to it.

“Yeah.”

“You dont have a man I don’t know about do you?”

“No.”

“So then what’s the damn problem?!”

Y/N wanted Erik to be her man for sure. It was the way he attracted other women. He had this sexy allure and he wasn’t even trying. The shit drove her crazy. He gave off this vibe were anyone wanted to be near him and be like him. She wanted him balls deep in her pussy. That man fucked like he was born to fuck. She wanted him to cum all in her...

“Fuck, you are hooked.” Draya was all laughs.

The minute Y/N looked away from Draya, she caught Erik’s eye. The bitch dancing on him didn’t even matter. She was shaking her ass all on him and Erik wasn’t paying her no mind. Y/N liked that shit. She liked it a lot. He didn’t look away for one second, didn’t even blink. Y/N’s breathing was getting a little heavy. She took the rest of her drink to the head, feeling Drayas hand on hers to bring her attention back to her.

“I can understand, sis, he fucks with so much power. Who am I to deny some top shelf dick to another woman? Erik likes to fuck. It’s just how Erik is. You know. He make you scream his name and ask for his baby yet?”

“Um...” Y/N leaned back and squinted at Draya.

“You sure you aren’t whipped?”

“I love it, any woman would love good dick, but Erik isn’t the man for me. We’re good the way we are.”

“I don’t see how you can fuck him and not want more! He drove me crazy twice and you just straight up casual with it like his good dick don’t have a serious effect on you.”

“How did Erik fuck you the first time? When did it happen?”

Y/N did not need this. She really didn’t need the entire image to pop up in her head like that. But now that it did...whew. Erik wasn’t playing with Y/N.

Erik was staying at Draya’s about a week ago on a Friday night. Draya was working late at the strip club as a bartender and Y/N was off that night so she stayed home to study for finals. Draya and Erik had some wild ass sex a few hours before and now he was stretched out on her bed, sleeping wild and wrapped in the covers. Y/N had to walk past Drayas to get to the bathroom. She stood in Drayas door way, looking at Erik’s sleeping body. He was sleeping on his back, that thick as fuck dick print bulging out of the sheets. He slept so damn pretty. She could still remember the way he looked at her earlier while they sat around eating pizza in the living room. She was like Drayas little sis. Draya was about 6 years older than Y/N and so was Erik.

She needed a hot shower just from admiring him. The inner hoe in her wanted to go in that room, lift the covers back, and see that dick up close. Maybe put it in her mouth and see how it tastes. That would wake his sexy ass up for sure. Y/N made it to the bathroom, slightly closing the door to let some of the steam out. She stripped down out of her ex boyfriends basket ball shorts and wife beater, nothing on underneath. Y/N opened the cabinet that held all of her and Drayas hair products in it, grabbing her silk Louis Vuitton scarf to wrap her TWA. Y/N turned on the shower, making sure it was extra hot to burn away the nerves that tingled from thinking about sucking Erik’s dick.

She pulled the black shower curtain back, stepping inside. The water was the perfect amount of hot and it was actually working. Even scrubbing her pussy under the water didn’t make her think about Erik. Y/N leans out of the shower, grabbing her phone to put on her R&B playlist. Tory Lanez new album played, Y/N going back to scrubbing her body down. While she was scrubbing her ass cheeks the bathroom door could be heard opening and then the shower curtain was pulled back roughly. Standing before her, with a towel around his waist, was Erik himself. He looked just as shocked as Y/N did, covering her body as best as she could but she only had two hands and a lot of ass, titties, and a pussy.

“Shit-I-I-I thought you were Draya. Shit-damn-fuck, I thought you were Draya,”

“Shit, she got pulled into work at the last minute!!” Y/N slaps her forehead, one of her titties falling from her hand. Erik’s eyes were zeroed in on her breast, watching the hot water hit it.

“Fuck,” Erik didn’t hold that one back at all.

“What?” Y/N has her breast again, backing away a little. She was growing hot and it wasn’t the water. He was all prepared to shower and everything. She could only think about that dick right now...

“You got some big titties Y/N.”

“Um, E, I don’t think...”

“Why not,” he held her gaze now, “You don’t want me to see them? I can walk away. I mean, it’s a little too late for that shit I know exactly what Draya little friend got going on now, Mhm.”

That Mhm had her closing her eyes.

“Look.”

Y/N opens her eyes to find Erik without the towel around him. She felt oxygen deprived. Holy Shit. He was really really nice down there. All long, thick, veiny, smooth, chocolate, nice heavy balls, and hairless. She had never seen nor had a dick like that. Ever. No wonder Draya fucked Erik from time to time when she felt like it. Just call Erik up if you wanna feel dick in your spine and guts. Call him up if you wanna he bed ridden for about 24 hours. She didn’t know how long she was staring, but Erik didn’t stop her. He waited for Y/N to pick her jaw off the floor and speak.

“Umm,” she finally broke away, looking back up at Erik with nervous eyes, “It’s-its really nice, Erik.”

“You want some company?” He says all low and tantalizing.

Y/N crossed her legs, pressing her hands further into her breasts, “Erik,”

“How long Draya been gone?” He asked with a raised brow, looking over his shoulder then back at her.

“For about an hour now.” Y/N trailed her eyes back down to his dick again.

“See? That gives us plenty of time to play.”

She bit into the side of her bottom lip, “Play?”

“Yeah,” he smiles, “freaky play,” His voice got even lower, drawing her in, “Don’t you want me to play in that pussy, Y/N?”

“Yes.” She wasn’t going to lie. They both knew she wanted him to. All those looks, all the times Y/N caught Erik leaving Drayas room in the middle of the night after hearing them fuck. It was only a matter of time before Erik had Y/N as well.

“Okay, turn around.”

Y/N finally let go of her breasts, walking towards Erik and turning around. She placed her hands on the shower wall, looking back at Erik while he admires her wet mocha skin.

“Bend over, pretty girl.”

Y/N arched against the wall, poking her wet juicy ass out at Erik. Erik’s hands on her skin set a flame within her. He was so gentle with the way he massaged her cheeks. That all changed when she felt him smack her ass. It was sudden and alarming but she liked it. She’d never been spanked like that before. Now, he had his fingers on her pussy, moving up and down all slow and soft. He was working her wetness all over her pussy. She almost fell forward when his thick fingers pulled her pussy lips apart to rub all in there.

“Mmmmmuhhhhh,” she moaned.

“You loving that I see.”

“Yes, I love that.” She responds with difficulty.

“You really gonna love this.”

He got down on his knees, Erik burying his face in her pussy. She let out a sharp moan, reaching back to hold both of her cheeks open. Her feet slipped a little along the shower floor, making a loud squeak sound but Erik had her legs now, using his mouth and strong jaw to ear her slit. She tried to look back at it but her body was so weak. Now, he wrapped his entire mouth over her pussy, moving around and around, pulling and sucking and slurping on her. She was a heavy squirter so Erik was definitely covered in it for sure. Now, he was moving his tongue on her clit, Y/N’s moans and pleads growing louder and louder over her music.

“You got a phat wet puss, Y/N.” He was French kissing her clit now, “You just letting me eat this pussy. You gonna let me eat it until Draya get here? I’ll let you sit on my face and cum in my mouth. Use my mouth, baby girl.”

“Fffuuuk. You are...so nasty.” She was cumming, unable to control herself as she definitely used Erik’s mouth.

“Mmm, THATS IT. Use me, Bitch.”

Now, Erik was to his feet again, hand around his dick, pre cum oozing our in a long string down to the floor. He opened his slit, showing Y/N the rest of his pre cum before taking his thumb to smooth it all around. If it looked that tasty she could only imagine how his cum tasted.

“It’s so damn big.” Y/N says with disbelief.

“Say that shit when I’m in there deep.”

Erik rubbed his dick up and down her pussy, covering his dick with as much of her wetness as he could. He knew he needed to work her up to it. But he was also ready to bury himself in her velvety walls because she was damn tight.

“I just wanna beat your shit up, ma. You gonna let me beat it up real good, even if it’s too much? Once I’m in there that’s it I ain’t gonna wanna come out.”

That made her heart flutter. He was really making this moment even better. At this point, she didn’t care if Draya came back home. As long as Erik’s long thick dick was in her, she didn’t give a fuck about anything else.

“Fuck me, please?” She asked with desperation.

“You asked so nice and sweet I gotta do it for you, pretty girl.”

Erik finally let his dick rest at her entrance. He pushed forward, his head slipping inside first, that alone splitting her open. Then, his shaft squeezed in too, trying to make room for all ten inches of him. It was going and going and Y/N didn’t think it would ever end. It hurt so good though. She gasps when he was fully in, his balls smacking her clit.

“Please fuck me,” she begged. Y/N was holding onto the railing in the shower now. Erik pulls all the way out to the tip of his dick, before sinking back inside. He did this over and over until Y/N was dripping to the shower floor; literally. Now, her pussy was making squelching sounds, his dick sliding in and out like she’d been lubbed down heavy. He picked up the pace, watching her face to make sure she reacted to what she was feeling, sure enough, Erik had her making so much noise. She was talking nonsense and gibberish.

“You’re a slut for letting me fuck this tight pussy. Got this pussy so wet, fuck, keep wetting my dick up!”

“Erik! You got my pussy dripping!” Her eyes closed, face smashed against the shower wall. He was really giving her heavy back shots in that shower. Had her ass bent over and taking his dick. Erik couldn’t hold back how much he was loving it. She was so damn tight and super soaker wet.

“Make me cum, please? Make my pussy cum all over you, please, please, please! Ahhhhhmmmfuckkkkk!!!” She gave him a silent scream before cumming on his dick.

“SHIT! Take it, slut, take it, take it-fuck!!”

Erik pulled out, cumming on her ass and pussy lips. He was shooting out ropes of cum, the most he’d cum in a minute. And it happened before he wanted it to. His impressive cum load made Y/N smile, her fingers reaching behind her to grab some of it, tasting the sweet cum. He must eat a lot of pineapples....

——

“Damn, in the shower?” Draya had low lustful eyes at that damn story. Y/N was even turned on. She didn’t even give all the details for that first time. He made her sit on his face and he fucked her again from the back on her desk chair with her ass poked out. He was fucking her in a circle since it swiveled, her window all open and she was sure people could see and hear.

“What about the second time?” Draya was full on in story time mode. Y/N looked over towards Erik and noticed that him and his boys were still in party mode, dancing and rapping to the music.

“You better not go home rubbing your pussy to this, Draya!”

“Shit, I just might,” she laughed into her cup.

Y/N scoots closer towards her, curling a single finger for her to come here. When Draya did, Y/N laid it on her....

——

Erik came back over another day when Draya was out. He specifically made sure of that because he didn’t need his home girl knowing that he was fucking her “little sis”. He grabbed the spare key from over the top of the door, opening it, satisfied to hear Y/N moving around in the kitchen. The minute he walked inside, he was blessed with the sight of Y/N wearing a pair of white cotton panties that looked painted on, a pink bra, and that cute curly TWA out. Her skin was so damn smooth and chocolate. It reminded him of maple syrup. She tasted like syrup too.

“Hey, beautiful.”

She was startled, turning towards him with a jiggle of her ass.

“Erik?!” He could see a shiver run up her spine.

“You cooking something,” He tried to see what she was up to.

“Just, mushroom Alfredo.”

He was hungry too. He could get some good pussy and some food. That was a plus.

“You gonna feed a nigga? I’m gonna be here for a while if you know what I mean,” he gave her a big dimpled grin.

“No, I don’t know what you mean.” She tried to play it off.

“You do,” Erik walked up on her short frame, making her turn towards him.

“You’re brain working now?” He was bending lower to bring his face close to hers. She looked from his nose to his lips, licking her own.

“E,”

“Shhh,” he pressed his finger against her mouth before rubbing her lips, “I know your still hungry for me, shit, I know I want you that’s for damn sure. And I came here to get it. You’re gonna give me that pussy, Y/N.”

“Fuck,” she gave him a defeated look that only made him happy. He kissed her neck, dragging his hands down her back and under her ass, lifting her up and to her bedroom. Erik was so damn generous when he fucked. He was really into kissing and he was really good at that shit. He had Y/N sopping wet with his tongue and lips on hers alone. Finally, in her room, Erik places her on the bed, Y/N getting on her knees in front of him to undress him fully. She had her lips parted, eyes on her every move with each piece of clothing that fell. Now, he was standing before her fully naked again. She ran her hands up and down his body, memorizing every muscle, scar, hair, and birth mark. She especially liked the birthmark he had on his abdomen. She licked it, causing Erik to hiss.

“Grab my balls and squeeze it with those soft ass hands,” he demanded. Y/N did what she was told, squeezing his hairless nut sack. His eyes fluttered shut, hands reaching out to caress her shoulders.

“You have such a pretty dick, Erik,” she was nibbling on her lip.

“Oh yeah? What you love about this dick?”

“It’s so long and thick, Daddy. Such a fat head and a fat sack. It’s so much dick daddy I don’t know if my mouth could take it all but I’ll try, Daddy.”

“You nasty bitch, let me take this shit off you.”

Erik hovers over her short body, unclamping her bra and lowering her panties. She left a big ass wet spot in her underwear. He was sucking her nipples now, flicking them with his tongue too. Now, he was placing soft kisses on her belly while his hands flicked her hard nipples, enjoying her soft moans. She was driving him crazy.

“You got me ready to eat this pussy again. Look at you,” He was between her legs, his lips kissing her pussy softly.

“You’re so delicate with a nice tight pussy I gotta give you soft wet kisses.”

“Fuck, you got me so wet,” she spread her thighs, sitting up on her elbows.

“Let me hear it,” Erik whispers.

She takes her fingers, sucks on them, then puts them in her pussy. She wiggles her fingers around in there while giving him an erotic look. Erik could hear it alright. It was so damn loud in that quiet room.

“How does it sound? You hear it?” She was all in her pussy. Three fingers deep.

“Oh, I hear that pussy. Got my mouth watering.”

“Eat me, please?” She brought her fingers to her clit to rub.

“You are a nasty little slut. Playing in this tight pussy and begging me to eat it and fuck it. You must want me to have you dick whipped and begging for all this dick and cum, huh?”

“I want you to cum in me.” She opens her pussy lips, “I wanna have your baby, please?”

“What the fuck,” Erik closed his eyes, his dick harder than it already was, “You want me to make that belly full of my cum? You nasty bitch.”

“Cum right in here,” She opened up wider, bringing her legs up to show him where she would love it, “Right in this tight wet hole.”

“FUCKKK-shit don’t make no sense how nasty you are. Draya know you’re this kinky? Goddam.” The tightening in his balls was too much and it let him know that her nasty talk was about to make him cum alone. Erik smacks her hands away from her pussy, replacing it with his mouth. He munched on her slit like he was a starving man; like pussy was the last meal on earth. She was weak beneath him. Her eye brows were scrunched, lip between her teeth, moans loud.

“Make me cum, make me cum,” she shutters, “make me cum, make me cum...”

She was blown away, hands in his hair, pussy driving into his mouth, sweet pussy juices flowing. He nibbled on her pussy until she was clean and ready for dick.

“I’m cumming in you.” Erik knew she was straight, he’d cum in her pussy deep.

She was overwhelmed with lust. He could cum all he wanted in her she was protected. She’d never told a guy that at all until Erik fucked her. Shit was bizarre but she liked it. Erik on the other hand was used to bitches telling him that, his dick was that good that they wanted him to risk it all. This would be his first time risking anything but Y/N was so damn addictive. Kinky and freaky.

“Oh, fuck, that fat dick!”

He was digging in her sweet pussy. She had her legs over his shoulders, Erik pounding away inside of her. She was good around his dick.

“Damn, girl, I’m loving this pussy!” This was only fuck number two.

“I love your fat dick! It’s so fat and long and oooooooooh it’s so deep in me! fuck me until you buss, daddy. Buss in me.”

Erik places his fingers in her mouth, his eyes watching the way he fucked her. Her cream was making a big ass mess in the sheets. She twirled her nipples for him, pulling them and making them bounce too.

“You want me to shoot this cum all inside of you? Huh? You nasty bitch. You want me to cover this whole pussy with all of my nut? Huh?”

“Oh, Daddy, yes!!” She could feel Erik folding her body some more. He was over her even more using the strength of his hips to stroke in her pussy. Looking from behind a lucky person would have the nastiest view of Y/N’s pussy being drilled.

“You fuck my pussy so damn good, yeah,” Y/N was in shambles.

“Ima FUCK this pussy good whenever I please.”

The thought of Erik fucking her whenever and however had her cumming on his dick again.

“Oh shit-oh FUCKKK, you...got me...cumming.” Erik was lost in the moment, his eyes never leaving hers, that helpless look from being dicked down on her face.

“You the baddest bitch on the planet!” Erik told her between intense strokes.

“OhmyGoddd! Your cumming! I can feel that dick pumping! Oh, Daddy, it’s filling me up! Yes!”

Erik was indeed cumming inside of her. She milked him dry with her tight walls.

“More, I want more,” she begged.

“You draining me,” Erik was fucking defeated. She milked him dry with her pussy. She had the type of pussy to wife her up. Y/N was the truth.

“Let me suck your pretty dick.”

Erik slips out of her, watching Y/N arch on the bed with her phat ass in the air, making her cheeks bounce on purpose with all his meat in her mouth. She had those cheeks all sunken in, her eyes blinking up at him innocently. He was gonna cum again.

“You pretty little slut. I just wanna cum on your face.”

“Cum on my face,” she encouraged.

“And then what? You gonna lick it all off yourself?” Erik could feel his balls retract, his nut right around the corner.

“I’m your little cum slut.”

“FUCK Y/N!!!”

He shot his load all over her face. She caught some in her mouth but damn, Erik gave her a face paint. The sight alone had him jerking his dick to get more cum to spurt all over her.

“Shit, I hope Draya dont come home no time soon, I’m not finished with you yet.”

Y/N was more than ready.....

——

“WOW.” Draya was open mouthed and shocked.

“I know,” Y/N lets out a shaky breath before finishing off her new drink.

“If Erik Don’t make you his girlfriend, something is wrong.”

She could only hope he wanted that. Y/N moved her eyes back over to him, he was staring straight at her. Those eyes said it all. He wanted her right now just the same. Y/N licks her lips at him, making him bit down on his lip. There was no need in being discreet, she wasn’t ashamed to be fucking that man too.

@tgigoldie @soufcakmistress @chefjessypooh @chaneajoyyy @pananegra @theblulife @becincere @blaqwidow91 @fish-outta-watah @moonlight-night-sky @eyeknowmywrites @crowngold @njadakillthiscookie @blktinkerbell @luvanxi @sheisexcellent1 @chocolatedippedinhoney @brandithecrystalgem @dababydababydababydababy @soulfulbeauty19 @btitannaaa @sunkissedebony97 @youngblackndgifted @harleycativy @rbhp @thee-germanpeach @thadelightfulone @bugngiz @palmstreesallday @skylahb @bakaris-shorty @nizzle-mo

#killmonger imagine #killmonger x reader #killmonger fanfiction #black panther killmonger #erik killmonger #nahimjustfeelingit-writes

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lloydskywalkers · 4 years

Text

skywalker syndrome, pt. III

so!! in honor of being shut up inside under pseudo-quarantine in this wonderful day and age, here is an extra-long fic for you guys just because :D

(fiNE it would’ve been this long either way but i have somewhat of an excuse now)

anyways here’s the final part of skywalker syndrome, featuring things actually Getting Better for once! (and on that note i hope you’re all doing alright and keeping safe <3)

So, Lloyd decides later. He probably could’ve handled that better.

But you know what, everyone’s been telling him to open up about stuff. It’s not his fault all that stuff is ugly, and maybe explodes half the power lines on the block.

Lloyd bites his lip harder, and squeezes his eyes shut tight enough to force the welling moisture back. His eyes are sore and puffy enough already, and his head feels like it’s over-stuffed with cotton and ready to explode. More tears are the last thing he needs.

On top of like, everything else. Because not only does Sensei Wu now know that the person who chopped Lloyd’s arm off was, in fact, Lloyd himself, but he’s probably going to tell everyone else that little detail too, and then all of them are going to think Lloyd’s head is — is out of place, except for maybe Nya, until she hears from Sensei Wu about his complete meltdown, and then Lloyd’s going to lose everyone.

Lloyd’s chest hitches. He forces back the wave of nausea, and makes himself look at this analytically. On one hand, it’s a total betrayal that stings maybe a little more than it might have any other time, because he’s been getting hit with a lot of betrayals lately. And while it isn’t exactly unusual in their line of work, it does feel like a little more than usual this month in particular.

On the other hand — which is metal ‘cause it’s Lloyd’s, heh — there’s absolutely nothing left of Lloyd’s respect in the world to stop him from blaring N-pop as loud as his headphones will go while lying at the edge of the roof of their apartment, staring blankly into the nothingness of the night sky as he ignores the drying damp streaks all over his face, instead of going to evening practice like he’s supposed to. So at least that’s a plus.

But on — well, he guesses he needs someone else’s hand, now — he really should have known better than to assume he’d get away with that.

He manages to hear Kai before he sees him, but it’s a near thing. Kai’s footsteps are quiet even when he’s not trying to be, like the rest of them, and even now that Lloyd’s playlist has mellowed off into something quieter and instrumental, he almost misses him closing the rooftop door.

But then Kai comes and sits next to him, right near where Lloyd’s head is lying, and that’s impossible to miss. So Lloyd sucks in a bracing breath and tugs his headphones off, dully figuring that the only way he’s escaping this confrontation is to throw himself off the roof. Which, while admittedly kind of tempting, will probably only make Kai more concerned, and Lloyd’s been doing that enough lately.

He tilts his head, peaking at Kai from the corner of his eyes. Kai’s expression is unreadable, his eyes far away where they fix on the city vista. Lloyd bites his lip. He wants to hold out, to let Kai do the talking — but the anxiety churning in his gut becomes unbearable, so he ends up cracking first.

“Hi,” he croaks, painfully aware of how water-logged his voice still sounds. “I guess you saw the lights go nuclear, then.”

Kai gives a quiet snort. “Kinda hard to miss, bud.”

Lloyd winces, then sneaks another tentative glance at him. He doesn’t look like he thinks Lloyd’s crazy, but Lloyd also has zero luck whatsoever, so he’s not quite letting his guard down yet. “Yeah,” he whispers, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t need to apologize. S’fine with me,” Kai shrugs, like Lloyd didn’t just knock out all the power in their apartment. “Makes things exciting every once in a while, you know?”

“Ha,” Lloyd breathes. “Exciting.”

“Mm-hm,” Kai says, swinging a leg over the edge of the roof, his eyes still on the horizon. Lloyd shifts his head on the paved rooftop, watching as Kai’s leg sways back and forth over the dim city streets below.

“Not as exciting as your conversation with Sensei must’ve been, though.”

Lloyd’s stomach bottoms out, and he goes rigid, before swiftly sitting up. “Y-you heard that?” he manages to squeak out.

Kai shakes his head. “Not all of it. Mostly just raised voices. No one wanted to eavesdrop, or anything.”

Lloyd worries his lip more, feeling sick. That’s not the answer he’s looking for. “But you heard some of it.”

Kai exhales slowly, his shoulders slumping. He finally tears his gaze from the horizon, and faces him. Lloyd wants to duck away, but there’s no recrimination in Kai’s eyes. Just a whole lot of empathy, and doesn’t that make Lloyd want to start crying again.

“Yeah,” he finally sighs. “I heard enough.”

Lloyd bites his lip harder, and turns back to stare across the city, his eyes watering. “Oh,” he breathes.

Because — what else is he supposed to say? Kai, his big brother, who’s always been solid and steady, who’s always followed (well, mostly, but that one time was also Lloyd’s fault) him faithfully — Kai, who works so hard to keep them safe, and has literally bled for this job, got to hear Lloyd screaming about how much he hates being the Green Ninja, the team leader, like a selfish, ungrateful brat.

Kai, who wanted to be the Green Ninja enough to risk his life for it — who probably still wants to be the Green Ninja, somewhere in him, if Lloyd hasn’t totally soured the taste of it by now.

“I didn’t — I didn’t mean—” Lloyd stutters over the words, almost frantically. He’s breathing too fast, talking too fast, but he’s got to — he needs to make Kai understand. “I didn’t really — I love this team, Kai, I do, I love being the Green Ninja, it just — sometimes — and he — he went and—”

“Lloyd — Lloyd, breathe. C’mon, breathe with me.”

Kai’s hands are steady and grounding on his shoulders, even as Lloyd gasps desperately for air, desperately forcing his nerves back under control before the city gets another unexpected power outage.

Finally, Lloyd manages to match his breathing to Kai’s, slow and steady, until the world stops spinning quite as much. He gives a shuddering exhale, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

“T-thanks,” he mutters.

Kai stares at him in concern, his eyes darker than usual in the night around them. He draws back a bit, blowing his breath out. Then, laying a hand on Lloyd’s good shoulder, he jerks his head back toward the rooftop exit. “Wanna make hot chocolate?”

Kai, as usual, always knows exactly what to say.

Lloyd nods fervently, following him back down inside with little hesitation. Their apartment’s quiet by now, mostly dark save for the moonlight, as everyone’s probably gone to bed. Lloyd can’t help but be overwhelmingly thankful for this.

The hallway floor they walk across is clean, too, even if the light sockets above are all empty. Someone must’ve swept the glass up, Lloyd thinks with a hot flash of guilt. Kai jabs at the kitchen switch as they leave the hall, and the lights flicker on, leaving Lloyd to blink in confusion.

“Emergency lightbulbs,” Kai says in explanation, with a faint, wry smile. “Zane’s been prepared. We’ve got a backup generator, too.”

“Oh,” Lloyd breathes, his face heating as he lets himself sink into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. Well, it’s not like Zane was wrong. Having spare lightbulbs around is probably something Lloyd should start considering anyways, but he’s been thinking he wouldn’t need to worry about that anymore, since his powers were—

Well. ‘Were’ is the key word here. His powers were under control. They’re pretty glaringly not now.

The microwave goes off with a sharp ding, and Lloyd almost jumps from his skin before placing the sound. Kai is pulling two mugs from the microwave, before dumping the little hot chocolate packets in them. Despite himself, Lloyd wrinkles his nose.

“You make hot chocolate like a heathen.”

Kai scoffs quietly. “I make hot chocolate fast. No one’s got time to wait on a kettle. Besides,” he adds. “You’re one to talk. I know this is how you make tea when Sensei’s not around.”

Kai immediately winces at the mention, clearly regretting having brought Wu up. Lloyd’s shoulders tighten, but he forces himself to relax, exhaling slowly through his nose. It’s been long enough since the…argument…that most of his fiery anger has cooled into an aching ball of hurt instead. Which is typical, Lloyd’s garbage at staying that angry for very long, and normally he wishes he was better at it, but now…

There’s a fine thread of shame creeping in there as well, and maybe a little bit of guilt. And Lloyd’s already seen what his anger does. Maybe he can just hold a quiet grudge for a bit, and that’ll make his point.

“Peppermint tea tastes better in the microwave,” Lloyd finally replies, a little sullenly.

Kai snorts. “Zane would be horrified with you.”

“I’m sure he would,” Lloyd says, but the words are too heavy for it to come off like he wanted. Zane would be horrified at him, but not for his tea crimes. Lloyd’s still surprised Kai isn’t horrified at him. Maybe he is, and he’s just biding his time to accuse him, and any minute now—

“Is your arm hurting?”

Lloyd blinks, reorienting himself. “Huh?”

Kai nods his head toward him, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. Belatedly, Lloyd realizes that he’s been digging his fingers into the groove where the prosthetic connects to his arm, clinging tightly enough that the scarring around it twists. Oh, he thinks blankly. So that’s why it’s starting to ache worse.

Lloyd gingerly peels his fingers from here they’re locked around his arm, wincing as he does. “A-a bit,” he admits. “I probably just made it worse. But uh, hey, I know it definitely works with my powers, now…?”

Kai doesn’t look amused. Lloyd lets his head hang, staring at the ground. He hates this. Normally he’s completely in synch with Kai, to the point where he knows exactly what’s going through his big brother’s head. But right now, uncharacteristically quiet and subdued as Kai is, Lloyd has no idea what the emotion brewing in his eyes might be.

There’s a quiet screech of wood across the floor, and Lloyd looks up to Kai dragging his chair closer, before setting both mugs of hot chocolate on the table in front of them.

“Can I see?” Kai asks, hesitantly. Lloyd pauses for a beat as the question registers, and Kai wrings the edge of one hand with the other. “I just, y’know…heat? It helps, sometimes, with other stuff, so maybe…”

“Oh,” Lloyd blinks. “Oh! Y-yeah, of course.”

Relief flashes across Kai’s face, which Lloyd vaguely notes as weird, before he adjusts his chair again, fingers carefully skirting the raised area of Lloyd’s t-shirt, where the metal edge of his prosthetic is. Lloyd suddenly wants to make another pun, because the silence is a tad too thick, and Kai’s so awfully subdued about everything. And whether he thinks Lloyd’s just an ungrateful brat who’s lost the last of his sanity and should never, ever lead them again or not, Lloyd needs to see something in his expression other than this — this sad kind of hesitance, because it’s not Kai. If he was even yelling at him, that would at least be—

“Let me know if it hurts at all,” Kai murmurs, and Lloyd is vividly reminded of Jay, when he’d looked at his arm. It’s the same tone of voice, all quiet and hesitant like they’re afraid Lloyd’s going to break.

Lloyd doesn’t know if it makes it any better, them thinking he hasn’t already. He’s not sure he even wants to know.

Another beat passes with Kai still unmoving, and Lloyd’s about to grasp at the weakest of puns he’s got before his hands finally knead into the tight muscles of his shoulder, starting high then moving lower, drifting carefully toward the edge of the prosthetic.

Kai lays a gentle hand on the juncture where skin meets metal, and Lloyd feels the slow increase of heat before it settles on something that’s not too hot to burn, but definitely warm. The warmth spreads steadily through the rest of his arm and shoulder, heating the tense muscles in Lloyd’s shoulder, and he feels the rigidness there finally, truly relax, in a way it hasn’t in — well, since he’d lost his arm, probably.

It’s like his shoulders are getting heavier and lighter at the same time, and oh, Lloyd’s forgotten how good Kai was at this. He’s still painfully cautious around the prosthetic, though, and the silence isn’t — it isn’t uncomfortable, per say, but Lloyd knows there’s so much Kai’s thinking but not saying, and he wants to hear it. It’s almost stressing him out, actually. He wants to say something — but Kai’s hand on his shoulder is warm, and slowly but surely that warmth reaches the terrible ache that’s been lingering where the prosthetic connects for so long, and Lloyd almost weeps in relief as the pain ebbs.

“H—they really did a number on you, huh,” Kai hisses sympathetically, as his hand skims the raised, jagged lines of scarring.

Lloyd gives a boneless little shrug, trying to force back anxiety as Kai reminds him of the somewhat important fact that he doesn’t quite know who actually did a number on him. “It’s not that bad,” he mutters. “No need to get so up in arms about it.” There. Finally, a decent pun.

Kai seems to disagree, but the odd coughing noise he makes is close enough to a laugh. “Good to know your sense of humor died when we got yanked out of the realm.”

Against his will, Lloyd’s shoulders stiffen, and his breath hitches. He immediately curses himself, because it was a joke. Kai was just responding to Lloyd’s own horrible pun, and just because he used the word died doesn’t mean he has any idea why that might set Lloyd off, because he was gone before he saw Lloyd crumple to his knees on the sky tram, and he has no idea how loud Nya screamed when she’d heard the news, and he will never know how close Lloyd was to letting himself sink in the river instead and not coming back up, because Kai is tired and hollow-eyed and stressed enough, and Lloyd will not let himself become any more of a burden to him when—

“—Lloyd please, what did I say, come back—”

“Fine!” Lloyd gasps, jerking back from where Kai’s appeared in his face, his eyes wide and frightened. “Fine, I’m fine, I’m sorry, I just—”

Kai doesn’t even have to say anything. He just looks at him, and Lloyd’s words die in his throat. He buries his face in his hands. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, staring at the floor through his fingers.

Kai is quiet for another minute, then— “You’re really not fooling anyone, you know.”

Lloyd closes his eyes. “Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh,” Kai nods. “You’re giving it your best shot, I’ll give you that. But you’re really not okay, Lloyd.”

“I am,” he says, but it’s wavering.

“Lloyd.” Kai’s tone is just a little too serious, shot with the undercurrent of ‘you’re lying to me right now, and I know it, don’t make me call you out on it’. It makes Lloyd’s stomach twist, because he definitely does not want to talk about it, at all, but also—

Kai was dead. Maybe not for real dead, but Lloyd had thought he was, and that had done — that had done some really bad stuff to his overall emotional state. So hearing that familiar concern now, when he’d recently convinced himself that he’d never hear it again, is a clear sign that this particular conversation isn’t going to end well.

“It’s okay if you’re not alright,” Kai says gently, and oh no, Lloyd’s really going to cry again. “You don’t have to be.”

Cycling through his available role models for defense mechanisms, Lloyd settles on Jay for some reason, and responds with utterly unconvincing babbling. “Well, I mean, I kind of can’t be alright, because, you know, my right arm’s gone—”

Kai chokes, and Lloyd breathes out a laugh. He’s thinking he can just get all the building feelings out that way, but he’s wrong, because two seconds into the laugh it turns into crying instead.

“M’sorry,” he moans, digging the heels of his palms into his welling eyes. “I just — give me a m-minute, I’ll—” his voice cracks traitorously. “I’ll get it together, promise—”

Lloyd grabs for his mug in desperation, hiding his face as he gulps at it — only to choke on how cold the hot chocolate’s gotten.

Kai gives an aggrieved sigh, tugging the mug from Lloyd’s hands and wrapping his own around it where he holds it close to his chest, slowly re-heating it. He stares at the mug for a beat, then looks back to Lloyd, a dangerous kind of fire in his eyes.

“I told you I’d kill him for doing that to you,” he says, his voice deadly low. “I still mean it.”

Lloyd blinks. It takes him a minute, but then—

Oh. Oh, no. Lloyd feels sick. Kai’s given him a way out — he’s given him a perfect way out. But he can’t keep lying to his brother forever.

“I cut it off myself,” he blurts, rushed and out of breathe. “It-it wasn’t my dad. It was me. I cut it off.”

Kai drops the mug. He barely catches it in time, setting it down with a painful, halting slowness on the table. He stares at Lloyd, his mouth opening and closing.

“What?”

“There was a snake,” Lloyd says, and he’s talking too fast now, everything spilling out like a busted dam. “I don’t — I don’t know where from but it — it was like the one that bit my dad, you know? And I was — I was doing fine, I was fine, without my powers and everything, but I was so stupid, Kai, I wasn’t looking and it — it got me, and I—”

He sucks in breath almost desperately, forcing himself to calm down again. Kai is staring at him with wide eyes, his face terribly pale, but he isn’t running away yet. Lloyd still has a chance.

“I would’ve been like him. And I couldn’t,” he continues, fiercely. “I couldn’t turn into him, I wouldn’t. I’m not my dad, so I chose not to be, and I don’t — I don’t regret it.”

There’s really nothing more that he can say, to try and explain it to Kai, other than give him the whole rundown of depressing events, so he falls silent, his words echoing in the quiet of the kitchen.

“I’m sorry.”

Kai’s voice is ragged, cracking in the middle, and Lloyd is horrified to hear the wet, sniffled edge.

“What?” Lloyd blinks, taken aback. “No, Kai, this was definitely was my fault—”

“No,” Kai shakes his head, and Lloyd is even further horrified to see the sheen of water building at the edges of his eyes. Kai bites his lip hard enough to bleed, before continuing. “No, that’s not it. I’m sorry, Lloyd. I’m so sorry, I keep — I keep promising I’ll protect you, and I fail, every single time—”

“Kai, no,” Lloyd gapes at him. “No, you don’t. It’s not your fault this keeps happening, you try harder than anyone, and you — you always come through when it matters, you have no idea—”

“No!” Kai snaps, his head whipping up, his eyes wild. “You have no idea! You don’t know, Lloyd, you don’t even know how bad I messed up, when you needed — you don’t know—”

Kai hiccups on a sob, squeezing his eyes shut tight and tilting his head back, like he can physically stop himself from crying that way. “You don’t know. You— you’re what’s important, you and Nya and the guys, and I — Lloyd, I’m sorry—”

Lloyd stares at Kai, his mouth slightly agape. Kai’s trying, he’s trying so hard to stop it, but he’s doing about a good a job as Lloyd’s been at hiding his tears, which is…pretty terrible. And that’s — Kai is crying. Sure, Kai’s emotional, but he doesn’t — he doesn’t let himself cry, certainly not in front of Lloyd. He’s got this annoying thing about always seeming strong, but now he’s apparently run out of strength to keep it up, which kind of just feels like Lloyd’s shoved his heart into blender and hit go, and—

And Lloyd’s just staring at him, like a useless lump. FSM, he’s the worst little brother ever.

Lloyd snaps back into it, immediately crossing the distance that’s left between him and Kai, wrapping his arms around his brother’s middle and comforting him in the only way he’s got left — clinging to him as tightly as he can, like he can squeeze all the sadness out of him or absorb it like osmosis, or something, anything to help Kai like he always helps Lloyd, because—

Oh.

Lloyd speaks up quietly. “You’re really not okay either, Kai.”

Kai gives an awful, half-sobbing laugh. “You don’t say.” He digs his fingers tighter into his hair, eyes squeezing tight, and swears. “—so sorry, I didn’t mean to fall apart like — like—”

Lloyd gently tugs his hands away before he can tear his hair out, and wraps his metal arm around Kai’s shoulder, hoping it’s not painful. “It’s okay,” he tells him. “It’s okay, I promise. It’s okay if you’re not alright, either. It’s not fair to you. Stop holding yourself to some — some impossibly high level, Kai, it’s okay.”

“It’s not—”

“It is. I promise.” Then, exhaling shakily— “I’m sorry I scared you. Both back then, and now. I’m going to be better about that. I’m gonna be stronger.”

Kai gives a watery laugh. “Please. You’re the strongest person I know,” he says, thickly. “You cut off your own arm. How am I ever supposed to top that?”

Lloyd snorts wetly. “Please don’t ever try to,” he says, his voice clogged. “It sucks.”

Kai just gives a choking kind of laugh, before dropping his head onto Lloyd’s shoulder weakly, his breath shuddering out. Lloyd holds him best he can, trying to channel whatever Kai-ness he can into it, because that’s normally what works best on Lloyd.

When the…situations are reversed. Which is…a lot.

But Lloyd can do his part now, hugging Kai as tightly as he can, like it’ll put him back together and keep him there, all the pieces of his big brother that make up one of the strongest people on earth he knows. Like it’ll glue them both back together, somehow, like it’ll fix Lloyd’s arm and Kai’s heart and the whole team and the city and the now-icy cold hot chocolate Lloyd is going to wish he’d gotten to drink later.

Lloyd knows the chances are slim. But for now, at least they can pretend.

And who knows. Maybe it’ll — maybe this will help. Maybe they can duct tape themselves better after this. Who knows.

He got Kai back from the dead. Lloyd’s down for anything — anything — to make sure he stays fine the rest of his life.

************************

Lloyd never does find out exactly what Kai was trying to apologize for that night. But he’s got a fairly good idea he knows what it is already, and voicing it isn’t gonna help.

But even though they ended up staying up way too late, missed practice the next morning, and totally ruined the hot chocolate with how many times they tried to reheat it, Lloyd thinks it might have worked, a little bit.

He doesn’t feel great about the whole situation with his uncle — pretty awful, actually. Sensei’s been avoiding him now, which works out okay, because Lloyd’s avoiding him, and he’s not sure if this is a good sign or a bad one. But…he feels better, on the whole, than he did. A lot less like his head is coming unscrewed, because if he’s got Nya and Kai sticking by him now, even after everything, then it’s not as hard to believe the rest of the team will, too.

Lloyd’s aware that this is a bad mindset to keep, because it’s not like — it’s not like they’re choosing sides, or anything. He’s not about to start a one-man-war on Sensei Wu just ‘cause he went behind Lloyd’s back and yanked the choice right out of his hands like every other choice his family’s yanked from him, but — but Lloyd’s not Garmadon.

He’s Lloyd, and Lloyd doesn’t storm off to the Underworld or level half the city when things get rough. He sticks it out, because he’s not a venom-devoured drama queen. He made sure of that.

(He doesn’t blow up any palaces or terrorize villages either, or say, wake the dead, because while his coping methods might not be great, at least murder isn’t his go-to resort.)

He does, however, skip practice again, which is quickly becoming an awful habit. But his arm hurts this morning, a bit more than usual because he slept on it wrong, and the idea of getting his butt handed to him in practice over and over again because of it is almost enough to make Lloyd tear up in humiliation all over his cereal.

But he doesn’t, because he’s done crying. He’s done being pathetic and — and a dead weight, and a poor excuse of a leader.

He’s also, like, really done being this dehydrated all the time. It sucks. He’d forgotten the killer headaches it leaves you with.

So Lloyd ignores the alarm going off on his watch and shoves another spoonful of cereal into his mouth instead, flexing his grip around the pencil he’s doodling over the latest headlines with. He immediately wishes he’d taken the grocery run last evening instead of Zane, because the health cereal he’s picked for them is disgusting, where’s the chocolate—

“Hey, Lloyd.”

Cole’s voice shouldn’t be a surprise, because it’s Cole, non-threat — but it’s been quiet in the apartment this morning, and Lloyd almost has a heart attack on the spot. Instead, he promptly chokes on his cereal, and spends the next half-minute hacking it up and coughing milk from his nose.

“Are you dying?” Cole asks, now standing in front of him, sounding mildly concerned.

“I’m alive,” he wheezes, wiping at his face. “Mos’ly.”

Cole’s lips quirk up in amusement, but he quickly smooths the expression out, nodding at him.

“You busy?”

Lloyd glances at his half-eaten bowl of cereal, then at the half-completed dragon he’d been sketching on the edges of the newspaper, another idea for his arm. “Not really…?”

“Good,” Cole says briskly, tossing his green hoodie toward him. Lloyd yelps, barely managing to catch it with before the jacket meets a soggy fate in his cereal bowl. “Let’s go out, then.”

“Go out — what? Wait Cole, I don’t — Cole!”

Lloyd finally scrambles after his brother, catching him as he swings the door open, half-tangled in his jacket as the right sleeve catches on his prosthetic. “Where are we—” He tugs in frustration at the sleeve. “—going, you’re supposed to be—” Another vicious yank. “—at practice right now.”

“And you’re not?” Cole sounds amused, though, and Lloyd glares at him, one arm pinned behind him by a sleeve, his other arm twisted somewhere over his head, tangled hopelessly in the other sleeve.

Cole bites his lip, an obviously large grin threatening to break out across his face. “Do you need help?”

“Yes,” Lloyd grinds out, his cheeks flaming.

Cole fails at holding back the snicker this time, but Lloyd can forgive it for now, since he also takes pity, untangling Lloyd from his sweatshirt prison. Once Lloyd’s finally figured out how to get his sleeve over the prosthetic — and man, the temptation to hack all the right sleeves off of everything he owns is getting stronger by the day — he follows Cole out their apartment complex, heading off to…wherever, Cole is taking him.

“Out,” Cole shrugs, as they carefully step over another Colossi-sized hole in the street, maneuvering past the chunks of concrete the workers still haven’t cleaned up.

“Yeah, that’s specific,” Lloyd mutters, ducking his head and pulling his hood further over his face as they pass by other pedestrians.

Cole’s got his hood up as well, but he’s always stood out a little more than Lloyd. A little (lot) taller than Lloyd, too, so they still get a few curious looks. Not as many as he’s been used to, though, when he was running around in the blazoned green Resistance gi all the time, so Lloyd will take what he can get.

He’s had enough pitying looks to last him a lifetime, and that was before he showed up on primetime Ninjago City television.

“You’ve been cooped up too long,” Cole says, eyeing him. “You gotta stop hiding away, get back out in the world.”

Lloyd bristles. “I went to the gas station with Kai just the other night!”

“Yeah, at two a.m.” Cole sighs — then yelps as he nearly runs face-first into a broken street light, still dangling by the slimmest of twisted metal. Lloyd breaks into snickers at his expression, and Cole makes a face at him.

“My point is, the city’s not on fire anymore,” Cole continues, and Lloyd’s stomach drops as his voice turns soft. That means he’s probably about to say something like— “No one’s hunting you down anymore, Lloyd. You don’t have to keep hiding.”

Lloyd looks down, kicking at a loose chip of concrete. “Yeah,” he says, dully. “I know.”

He does, really, because no one’s jumped out and threatened to drag him off to his father lately, but it’s just — it’s hard to shake. It’s hard to shake the idea that someone’s out there, eyeing his every move, just waiting to rip his world to pieces. It’s hard to shake the idea that any one of these people could be hiding a knife behind their back, a vendetta behind a smile.

He swallows. “I’m working on it.”

“Yeah,” Cole says, and his voice is downcast now, too. “I guess we all kinda are.”

Lloyd bites his lip. There’s a whole lot of understanding in Cole’s voice, but it figures. They’ve all been hit hard by, well, everything that’s happened recently, but Cole’s always tended to see things the same way Lloyd does — with the eyes of a leader, always planning, always looking ahead, and always looking back on what went wrong. And the way he watches the people around them, with a look in his eyes that’s painfully familiar, says a lot more than anything else.

“But ah, to actually answer the question,” Cole speaks up, a bit hesitantly. “I thought, uh, maybe we could go to the hospital.”

Lloyd blinks rapidly. “The hosp— why?” A spark of irritation flares in his chest. If this is about his arm…he’s told them, many times, that he’d gotten it looked at. Many. Times. There’s nothing else any doctor could do about it that Pixal can’t, because all they can do at this point is prescribe him more pain meds, and Lloyd is getting sick of those, so—

“I was just thinking, maybe you could, uh…visit the kids. If you felt up to it.”

Lloyd pauses full-stop in the street, double-taking. “Why?” Cole turns to him, and he quickly continues. “That’s, I mean — not that I don’t want to visit kids, I-I’d be fine with that, no problem, but like — why would they want to see me? Now?”

Because sure, Lloyd’s always down for visiting kids, especially at the hospital — that’s where he met Nelson. But he also — he hasn’t really been showing up on TV in the….best light, lately. Sure, he gave that one speech, but other than that, the most his name has come up is in direct relation to his father, who very recently destroyed half the city, and probably put a whole lot of people in the hospital.

Besides, Lloyd thinks glumly, his left hand kneading reflexively at his shoulder, clutching the edge of the prosthetic. He’s not exactly an inspirational figure right now, much less a role model. More like a model of exactly how not to live your life—

“Because they’ll want to see you,” Cole shrugs, matter-of-factly. “And ‘cause I think some of them could learn something from you.”

“Learn what?” Lloyd breathes, almost laughing. “Cole, I can’t even teach you guys anything.”

“Okay, one, that’s a lie,” Cole says, firmly. “We learn a lot from you, give yourself some credit. You just have to be at practice for us to learn.”

Lloyd flushes, looking down, but Cole nudges him, forcing his gaze back up.

“And two, you’d be surprised.” A wry smile pulls at the edges of his mouth, before he sighs. “Also, I’m kinda hoping you’ll learn something, too.”

It’s Lloyd’s turn to make a face.“Oh, great. So it’s that kind of visit.”

Cole rolls his eyes. He pauses, his shoulders hunching up a bit, looking hesitant again. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

“Nah,” Lloyd sighs, heavily. “I’m not gonna turn down visiting kids in the hospital, what kind of monster do you think I am.”

“I don’t,” Cole says, and his eyes are a little too knowing. “But I do think you’re entitled to choose whether you’re up for it or not.”

And oof, there goes Lloyd’s breath whooshing out of his chest again. “How did you—”

“Also,” Cole says, before Lloyd can continue. “You’re entitled to a meltdown every once and a while, too.”

Lloyd goes scarlet. “I — the other night — it was an accident, I just—”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cole steamrolls over his stuttering airily. Then, just as casually— “There are always spare lightbulbs in the lower left pantry shelf, by the way. Just in case you ever needed to know.”

“Got it,” Lloyd murmurs, ducking his head.

“And half the city’s transformers already got obliterated by the Colossi, so one patch job isn’t a whole lot. Just in case, you know, someone was thinking of beating themselves up for it. Which they shouldn’t.”

Lloyd’s cheeks are flaming. “I-I got it,” he stammers out. Trying to regain some semblance of composure, because he’s been feeling like a nine year-old again way too many times this week as it is, he clears his throat. “I do want to go. Thank you for — for asking, but I do.”

Cole’s expression lightens in relief. “Good,” he says, clapping him on his left shoulder. “Because I might have already told the hospital we were coming.”

“Of course you did,” Lloyd sighs, as they round another street corner, the hospital coming into view.

“Hey, I happen to know my teammates,” Cole shrugs, grinning. “You’re predictable.”

“Of course I am,” Lloyd groans. “You know, I really…”

Lloyd’s train of thought completely derails and plummets straight off a cliff right then, so he trails off in a strangled silence as his mouth goes bone-dry.

Oh. He’d forgotten the view the hospital gave you, of…certain areas…of the city.

“Lloyd?”

Cole’s voice is muffled, filtered weirdly like it’s underwater. Lloyd’s vision tunnels, seeing but not really seeing as he stares at the blank spot in the horizon. He remembers the building that used to be there, twenty-four stories high and just blocking the corner of the sunset in the evenings. He remembers the last time he saw it standing, from halfway across the city, Skylor unconscious in his arms and his father furious. He remembers watching it fall.

He wonders if they ever found—

“Lloyd?”

Cole’s voice is hesitant, laced with concern. Lloyd blinks wildly, tearing himself from the memory, and shudders.

“Let’s go,” he says, shaking his head, as if he can shake the past off. As if he can shake her off, and everything she’s left him with.

He doubts he ever will, but Cole’s hand on his shoulder as they climb the steps outside is warm and grounding, and a reminder that, at least, she didn’t take everything from him.

The front desk attendant at the hospital lets them through without batting an eye, which is a nice change, Lloyd thinks petulantly to himself. He’s quickly tugged from any more thoughts like that, because Cole drags him straight to the kids’ ward, and Lloyd’s suddenly left desperately trying to remember where, exactly, his everything-is-bright-and-happy expression decided to disappear to, because the kids all light up like fireworks when they see him, and Lloyd’s kind of just staring weakly back.

Cole saves him, stepping in front and greeting the kids with bright enthusiasm, which gives Lloyd enough time to pull himself back together. He manages to stutter out some decently happy stuff, but then the kids start talking about the Resistance, and how awesome he looked on TV, and did he totally kick his father’s butt, and was it so cool getting to fight like that, and they were all rooting for him during the prison fight—

Lloyd’s torn between running for the window, and asking them all who in the world let them watch the prison battle, because he’s pretty sure that was not a kid-friendly kind of thing. Instead, he stammers out that yeah, it was pretty cool, and sure, he kicked his — Garmadon’s butt, all while pulling his sweatshirt sleeve further over his arm as it throbs with the constant, painful reminder that he’s a total fraud.

Cole saves him, once again.

“Hey, guys, we’ve got time to talk to all of you, and — yeah, sure bud, we can sign that for you, but Lloyd wants to talk to a few of your friends in particular, okay?”

Lloyd blinks rapidly as Cole steers him away, his words registering. “Wait, what?” He tries to yank his arm from Cole’s hold. “Cole, wait, who do you want me to — wait, I don’t have anything prepared—”

“You won’t need to,” Cole says firmly, then nods at the kid he’s been dragging him over to. Lloyd glares at Cole, huffing out a sigh before craning around his shoulder.

“I don’t—” Lloyd freezes, his mouth open. He shuts it.

The kid Cole’s been dragging him to is sitting by himself toward the back of the common room. The look in his eyes is eerily familiar, hollow and empty-looking where he’s slumped on the couch. He’s leaning awkwardly to one side, and it takes Lloyd a minute — too long, really — before he spots it.

Oh, Lloyd thinks, his breath whooshing out from his chest. He gets it now.

He ducks out from behind Cole, his feet taking him forward almost unconsciously, and he carefully approaches the kid.

“Hey,” he says gently, going down on a knee in front of the kid. “I like your socks.” He nods at the Starfarer-emblazoned ones he’s got on, where his feet dangle over the couch edge.

The kid looks at him, his eyes widening, then back toward his socks. His eyebrows pull into a sad little glare. “I can’t wear my shoes,” he says, hollowly. “I can’t tie ‘em. Not with my…” He trails off, and turns the glare on the empty sleeve of the hospital gown that hangs from his left shoulder. “My arm,” he finishes, quietly.

Something in Lloyd’s heart twists with painful familiarity. “Yeah, I get that,” he says, ruefully. The kid squints at him, and Lloyd exhales, before tugging the sleeve of his hoodie off. The kid’s eyes go huge, and Lloyd swallows, before continuing, smiling shakily at him. “See? I couldn’t even buckle my armor on the first week, and that was after I got the prosthetic. It’s tough stuff.”

The kid continues to stare at the prosthetic, his eyes looking like they’re about to pop out of his head. “Your arm’s gone,” he whispers. “Just like mine.”

“Yeah,” Lloyd breathes out. He rolls up his sleeve, pointing to the edges of the prosthetic. “Lost it right about…here.”

The kid’s eyes rove over the metal arm, lingering on his and Nya’s designs, before zeroing in on where the scarring starts. “And you’re still a ninja?” The kid’s voice is still hushed, almost awestruck.

“Sure am,” Lloyd says, with a crooked smile. “Team leader and everything.” Even if he’s been a pretty awful one lately, his mind supplies.

The kid’s lips part, and he hesitates before speaking again. “A-and you can still…do all that stuff?” he asks, his voice painfully tentative. “Even with…even with your arm?”

Lloyd’s throat goes tight, but he nods. “Yeah,” he says, thickly. “Yeah, I can — I can still do ninja stuff. Took me a bit, but I can tie my shoes, too. And I can still do, uh, handsprings and everything.”

A myriad of expressions crosses the kid’s face, shock then joy then something a whole lot like hope, and Lloyd suddenly realizes why the empty emotion he’d seen in the kid’s eyes when he walked in looked so familiar. It’s the same hollow look Lloyd’s seen looking back at him in the mirror every stupid day since—

And now it’s gone, replaced by something bright and shining.

“Awesome,” the kid says, his voice hushed and reverent, like Lloyd’s just given him some untold kind of gift.

Lloyd has to swallow again, and blinks frantically. “My — my name’s Lloyd, by the way,” he says, holding his hand out — the left one, so it’s not awkward for the kid. The kid grins, in a way that clearly says, ‘I know, duh, moron’. “What’s yours?”

The kid beams. “Max,” he says, gripping Lloyd’s arm and shaking enthusiastically, wobbling a bit off-balance.

“Nice to meet you, Max,” Lloyd smiles back. Then he goes serious, meeting the kid’s eyes. “Listen. All that stuff — you can do it, too. Tie your shoes and everything. It’ll take a bit, but you can, I promise.”

Max stares at him, listening intently, his eyes bright, and Lloyd suddenly feels a terrible amount of pressure.

“But you—” he falters, then sucks a breath in before continuing. “Don’t do it by yourself, okay? You’ve got — you’ve got family, right?”

He immediately wants to kick himself, because what a stupid question, has Harumi taught him nothing—

The kid nods, and Lloyd exhales heavily in relief. “Okay. Good. Let them help you. Family and friends, and the doctors here — they care about you. So even — even if it feels annoying sometimes, or you start thinking that maybe they just think you’re too weak, you gotta let them help you.”

Lloyd pauses, and thinks of Nya, her snarky humor and unwavering strength, the long nights they’d stay up together as she redesigned his arm. He thinks of Jay, coming up with new puns for him and leaving the pain meds bottle on the lowest shelf. He thinks of Zane, of actually listening to him and adjusting his entire training schedule; of Kai, sitting up all night with him and never holding his outbursts against him. He thinks of Cole, sewing the team back together with infinite patience and dragging him out to the hospital because he knew exactly what Lloyd needed to see.

Lloyd thinks about how completely, utterly terrible his life would be without them.

“‘Cause they care about you, and you — you can do it, but you can’t do it without them. You need people who care about you in your corner, so don’t ever take them for granted.”

Max’s eyes have widened a bit, but he nods. “I won’t,” he says, solemnly.

“Good,” Lloyd says, then smiles wryly. “You’ll get the hang of it a lot faster than I did, at that rate.”

“No way, you’re the Green Ninja,” Max scoffs, and Lloyd snorts despite himself. He shakes his head, turning to exchange looks with Cole—

—only to pause, because Cole’s eyes are horribly shiny, all suspiciously watery as he sniffs a bit.

‘You sap’, Lloyd mouths at him, his eyebrows drawing together in accusation. Cole flashes him a gesture, neatly hidden from the other kids behind his hand, and Lloyd is about to descend on him for the audacity, because he always lectures Lloyd for doing that, when Max is suddenly tugging furiously at his hand.

“Wait, wait, you gotta meet my friend!” he says, bouncing from his seat in reckless energy. Lloyd steadies him as he wobbles, and the kid beams at him. “She lost her leg ‘cause she’s real sick, and she’s been pretty sad about it too, but wait until she sees you—! She’s gonna freak out, come on, come on—”

Lloyd gives a startled laugh, but he lets Max drag him forward, tiny fingers locked around his metal ones. Cole waves to him where he’s on the floor, letting kids climb over all him, and he’s got the worst of knowing smiles on his face as they pass.

Lloyd casts his eyes skyward. Cole’s gonna be so smug about this later, but watching the look on Max’s face as he introduces him to kid after kid, Lloyd really can’t bring himself to mind.

******************

They stay a whole three hours longer than they were supposed to, but Max falls asleep on Lloyd’s shoulder by the time they have to go, so the nurses can’t get too upset about them staying way past visiting hours.

“Because you two were adorable, seriously, it’d be like kicking a puppy. I can’t believe I didn’t get any pictures,” Cole shakes his head, looking disappointed in himself.

“Good,” Lloyd says fervently. “Kai would never let me live it down.”

“Aw, he’d frame it on our wall, though.”

“Yeah, and then I’d never live that down!”

Cole snorts loudly, and Lloyd huffs, bouncing down the steps as they exit the hospital. They fall into comfortable silence for a bit, and Lloyd spares a look at Cole from the corners of his eyes, biting his lip. His good mood is fading as they leave the hospital behind them, stepping out into the city evening, the streetlights just flickering on, bright and shiny as they’ve recently been repaired — reminding him.

“What you said, before we went in,” he finally asks headlong. “About…being entitled to choose, and stuff.” Lloyd swallows, then continues. “Was that, um. Did you happen to maybe, like, hear…”

“You and Sensei Wu’s talk?” Cole finishes with a wince, and uh oh, Lloyd can hear the capital ’T’ emphasis on talk. “Our apartment’s really small, Lloyd.”

Oh, no. “H-how much did you hear?” Lloyd asks, almost afraid of the answer.

Cole carefully avoids his eyes, his mouth titled downwards in guilt. “Kind of…everything?”

He definitely should’ve been afraid of the answer, Lloyd thinks numbly. “But Kai said you only—” he pauses, meeting Cole’s sympathetic gaze. His stomach turns. Oh. “Right. Okay. Kai was just trying to make me feel better.”

“He likes to do that, if you haven’t noticed.”

Lloyd grimaces, feeling a stab of his own guilt. “Yeah."

“He’s not the only one,” Cole says, pointedly. “I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad. We’d all like you to feel better.”

“Yeah, well—” Lloyd freezes. A thought suddenly hits him, with a swooping kind of horror. If they heard everything, like everything everything—

“Cole, the part when I said — the part where I said I hated this family,” he stammers frantically. “I didn’t mean — I meant my blood one. Only my blood one, I didn’t — you guys are—”

“Lloyd.” Cole’s hand is gentle on his shoulder, halting them where they stand on the empty street that runs along the river. “I get it. And I know you didn’t mean it, about your family. Either of them.”

Lloyd’s mouth turns downward. “You guys are the only family that matters to me,” he says, stiffly.

Bitterly, his mind supplies, not without a sting, and would it shut up, he’s trying to — to emotionally distance himself here—

Cole’s eyes dart away briefly, something immeasurably sad flashing in them, and almost too empathetic.

“Lloyd, you — you have us. You’ll always have us. And I’m not — I’m not saying you should feel one way or another, ‘cause I know you’re hurt. And you have every right to be, that’s very justified.”

Lloyd looks down. “But,” he says, dully.

“But,” Cole exhales. “But lying to yourself can hurt, too. And I know — look, it was super uncool. That was low of him, and undoubtedly in the wrong. We’re all with you on that. But Lloyd, you know he — you know he cares about you, right? He didn’t… he didn’t do it to hurt you. That wasn’t his intention.”

“How do I know,” Lloyd snaps, bitterly. “How am I supposed to know, Cole. How many times am I supposed to tell myself my mom didn’t mean to leave me, my dad didn’t mean to hurt me, my uncle didn’t mean to — to—”

Lloyd breaks off, his stupid traitor eyes threatening to run as he sniffs. He blows his breath out, steadying himself. Cole, wonderful person that he is, does not comment on any of this.

“I’m just tired,” he finally whispers, staring out with hollow eyes on the river, the dark water glinting in the streetlights. Cole’s hand drops onto his shoulder again, and he squeezes once.

“I know, bud,” he says, sounding horribly young and yet so much older than he should, all at the same time. “I know. I am too.”

Lloyd doesn’t say anything to that, but he doesn’t really need to. The silence is enough, for them — it’s always been, with Cole. There are some things you can say, that you can talk out with words or powers or weapons, but there are some things that you just—

You don’t really get it, until you find it in you to call yourself leader. There aren’t exactly words for how it feels like, playing chicken with your friends’ lives and your family’s lives and the entire city and country on the line.

You just…feel tired.

Cole’s breath hitches, and his hand tightens on Lloyd’s shoulder, carefully around the edges of the prosthetic, but not in a way that grates. It’s normal Cole-careful, not the brittle kind scared-careful everyone’s been about it.

“Just…take it from someone who’s let a family argument fester,” he says quietly. “It doesn’t stop hurting. Not until you face it. However that ends is up to you, but. It helps.”

Lloyd swallows, and the river in front of him blurs, the streetlights turning hazy in his vision. He glances at Cole, then finally meets his eyes.

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Cole nods. He hesitates, then something in his expression steels.

“And if I’m wrong, I’ll help you sign the — the disownment papers, or whatever, myself,” he adds, suddenly fierce. “You can have my last name, instead. Or Kai and Nya’s, or — or we’ll all mash ours together into some garbled mess that’s yours, and you can have like, five or six whole step-parents, and it’ll be great.”

The laugh that startles out of Lloyd is so unexpected he almost makes himself jump, but it’s genuine. A little wet, maybe, but it’s the staggering feeling of relief Lloyd’s been looking for, been wanting, been needing, and—

“It’s worth it,” he blurts out. “It’s worth being the Green Ninja for you guys alone. I’d do it a hundred times if I just got to have you, because — because—”

“Aw, Lloyd,” Cole says, and he wraps him in a full hug this time. “It doesn’t work like that. You don’t need to be the Green Ninja to have us. You’d still have us if you weren’t. You’d still have us if you were just some bratty little kid we yanked from the street. You’d still have us if you only had one limb left and couldn’t even hold a sword, you’d still—”

“I get it,” Lloyd giggles wetly into Cole’s elbow.

Cole shakes his head, and squeezes Lloyd tightly. “And we’re not planning on quitting anytime soon,” he continues, his voice turning serious, and a little too knowing. “So don’t go selling us short, and think we’d die on one shattered ship. We knew what we were getting into, kiddo. We’ve always known.”

Lloyd sucks in a sharp breath, his heart stuttering. A whole bunch of questions are bubbling up in his chest, but they don’t quite make it through his throat, because it’s closing up again, so he just clings back to Cole and tries not to let his eyes water too much. Oh. Lloyd didn’t even have to tell him. Cole already knew.

That’s Cole for you though, Lloyd guesses.

************************

Lloyd has every intention of talking to Sensei Wu. Really, he does — because for one thing, it's caused a painfully obvious rift in their team dynamic which could get them into serious trouble if another threat breaks out, and going by their track record, that could happen like, tomorrow. And for another, they’re all living in an incredibly cramped apartment right now, and while Lloyd is perfectly fine avoiding his uncle by parkouring around the house like an extreme game of the floor is lava, Nya’s probably getting sick of having to get him unstuck from the air vents, so — confrontation it is.

Except if Lloyd’s going to force himself through the agony of that, he’s going to get it all out of the way at once. Besides, he owes his team an explanation, anyways. Probably…several explanations. A whole lot of words, that’s for sure.

So Lloyd sucks it up, finishes cutting off the sleeve on the right side of his pre-Resistance gi so it actually fits, and for the first time since the guys got back, feels somewhat like a shadow of the leader he’s supposed to be as he calls a team meeting. This brief burst of confidence is thoroughly shot through by Nya, who immediately dubs it the “aha, I see it’s time we all talked our issues out” meeting, but — well, it’s not like she’s wrong.

Besides, they needed it. And in hindsight, Lloyd realizes he’s been worrying about all the wrong things.

“I can’t believe you cut your own arm off and didn’t even like, take the opportunity to make a hundred Star Wars jokes. You realize there’s no escaping the Luke Skywalker jokes now, right?”

“For the last time, Luke didn’t cut his own arm off. I’m way more hard core than he is.”

“Yeah, for a maniac. You’re both on full-time babysitting. We leave for five minutes and you go around losing limbs and breaking arms, huh.”

“I can’t believe we ever mourned your deaths.”

“I can’t believe you thought we were dead and didn’t say anything!”

“He’s right, the psychological trauma stemming from such events could be—”

“If any of you say traumatizing again, I’m using the taser feature on my arm.”

“I can’t believe Nya built that in for you.”

“I can’t believe you let Uncle Wu flirt with some random lady in the First Realm.”

“He wasn’t flirting with her, would you let that drop—”

“Alright, alright! Don’t worry, I’ve hit my limb-it. Heh, get it—”

He’s met with a chorus of groans at that, and Jay chucks a couch cushion at his head. But it brightens the already-lightening mood more, weary sort of grins replacing the solemn expressions that everyone’s been wearing through most of this conversation, so Lloyd counts it as a total success. Even if none of them appreciate real humor, he thinks to himself, miffed.

“Okay, real talk, though,” Cole finally speaks up over the rest of them, as their scattered conversation dies down. He meets Lloyd’s eyes. “If you want us to come with you when you talk with your uncle, we’ll be happy to, you know.”

A tight kind of knot forms in Lloyd’s throat. Your uncle, not Sensei. He’d never dream of asking them to pick a side, but—

“Yeah, we’ve all got your back,” Jay nods, miming a punch at the air, before making a face. “You have like, this really awful habit of going all ‘oh no, I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault Sensei Wu, ignore everything I said even though it was super valid’—”

Lloyd chucks the couch cushion back at him. “I do not do that,” he scowls.

Nya cuts him a pointed look. “Yes, you do.”

Lloyd glares back. “Do not.”

“She’s right, you do,” Cole echoes.

“Kinda do, bud,” Kai sighs.

Lloyd looks to Zane, pleading. Zane just shakes his head, pityingly. Lloyd sighs. “No faith in me at all,” he says, forlornly.

“We’ve got total faith in you,” Cole says. “You just need to have faith in yourself.”

Lloyd groans, leaning back so he’s fully sprawled across the living room floor. “You sound like Sensei Wu’s lesson book.”

Nya pokes him in the ribs, and Lloyd jerks away, yelping. “Listen to him, Lloyd. Not that I’m against sudden passionate outbursts, but…healthy talks. We need to work on healthy talks.” Her voice wavers, and Lloyd glances up at her. She looks down, then holds her head up, taking a deep breath.

“Which is why, when this blows over, I’d — I’d like to talk about Nadakhan,” she announces, a little unsteadily, but determined. “For — for real, this time.” She gives Lloyd a shaky smile, and he beams back, trying not to look too shiny-eyed about it. Going by her expression, he’s failed, but she spares him the embarrassment and turns her attention elsewhere. “Jay?”

Jay’s shoulders almost go boneless, and an expression of what could be relief flashes across his face. “I’m down if you are,” he exhales.

“Wait, what exactly are we talking about with Nadakhan, here?” Cole says, suddenly wildly concerned. Lloyd feels a brief spark of victory, and not a small amount of vengefulness at the look on Nya’s face — it’s about time someone else is on the chopping black.

“Nothing,” Jay says, waving his arms. He blinks, then suddenly backtracks. “Wait, I mean — it’s definitely something, but, uh — Nya said later! So we’ll talk later, haha?”

“Jay—”

“Hey,” Kai catches him off to the side, as the others dissolve into bickering. His eyes are serious, but the dark circles aren’t quite as bad. Not as awful as they’ve been, which is the best Lloyd can ask for right now, he guesses. “You’ve got this, no problem,” Kai continues, under his breath so the others can’t hear. “But on the off chance you want out, at any point? All you gotta do is yell for me and I’ll swoop in for you and run, just give the word. We can always work this out another day.”

Lloyd bites his lip, looking down. “I need to talk to him, Kai. I can’t leave it like this forever.”

“Well, yeah,” Kai says, evenly. “Maybe not. But as far as I’m concerned, you’re still Master Lloyd to us. We’ll follow your lead.”

Oh, now he’s done it. Lloyd’s throat goes painfully tight, and his eyes burn as he struggles to swallow back anymore embarrassing displays. “K-kai, you—”

“Please tell me I didn’t make you cry again,” Kai says hurriedly.

Lloyd shakes his head, elbowing him lightly in the side. “I wasn’t gonna cry,” he huffs. “I was just gonna say that I—” Lloyd swallows again, and murmurs, “I really missed you, Kai.”

Then, realizing he sounds entirely too vulnerable right now, he clears his throat and gives Kai a shaky grin. “Especially since now I really need you as my right hand man—”

Kai swats the back of his head, scuffing his hair down. “Lloyd, you’re my brother and I love you, but if you make another horrible arm pun, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Please,” Lloyd snorts. “You didn’t bring me a dragon back. If anyone should be never forgiving anyone, it’s me.”

************************

Lloyd’s not one to let fear get the best of him — for very long — but nothing’s really rooted him to the floor in terror like the sight of his uncle’s closed door has. Well, besides maybe his undead father dangling him off the floor in Kryptarium, or the sight of the Bounty getting crushed to pieces, or the way Skylor had collapsed in his arms, or the sensation of twin points of pain on the back of his hand—

Okay, so maybe fear’s been a pretty big player in his life lately, but still. Lloyd doesn’t let fear win out over him. He shouldn’t let fear win out over him.

Fear isn’t a word where I come from, Lloyd’s mind echoes half-hysterically at him.

Absolutely none of this helps the way his hands tremble violently as he knocks on Sensei’s door.

“Come in.”

Sensei Wu’s voice is quiet and level, no revealing trace of emotion in it. Nausea wells up in Lloyd’s throat, but he swallows it down. Kai’s “all you gotta do is yell for me” lingers in Lloyd’s mind, but he shrugs the thought off. As tempting as it is — Kai snatching him up from this conversation entirely and saving Lloyd a lot of awkward stuttering — he can’t just take the easy way out. Cole’s right — Lloyd needs to face this eventually. Letting things fester never helped anyone.

Harumi drove that one home pretty well.

Sucking in a breath, Lloyd finally pushes the door open, cursing his shaking fingers as they clack on the doorknob. His courage — if he can even call it that — falters, and he keeps his gaze rooted to the ground like it’s the most riveting thing in the room. The familiar smell of incense wafts over him, and Lloyd struggles not to throw up again.

There’s a measured intake of breath, before Sensei Wu exhales quietly. “Lloyd.”

Again, there’s little to no emotion in his voice, just that infuriatingly calm serenity, which is no help at all, because Lloyd has zero clue whether he’s furious with him or just — just disappointed, or something worse. And he’s sure as heck not going to look at his expression to figure it out, because that will require meeting his eyes, and Lloyd would rather combust on the spot.

He’s already faced one family member’s eyes burning in hatred on him. If he has to see Uncle Wu, too — Uncle Wu, who Lloyd’s always thought believed in him from the beginning—

“Sit, please.”

Lloyd shakes his head. He can’t. He’s already losing the battle to nerves, he can’t just — pretend this is another master-student talk. He needs to get it over with now, before he goes to pieces again.

“I…” Lloyd swallows. His mouth is painfully dry, and he still can’t get his hand to stop shaking. The metal one is finally listening to him, at least. He finally forces out a shuddery exhale, then curves his spine into a bow, his head hung low.

“Sensei,” he says, almost proud that his voice only wavers the slightest bit. “I’ve come to apologize for my actions earlier. And my words, I — I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

Sensei Wu is silent. The air is so thick Lloyd almost struggles to breath, and a part of him faintly wonders if the incense hasn’t grown a mind of its own and is actively trying to suffocate him.

“I just — it hurt, when you went behind my back, and I know — I know I’m a mess.” The admission stings, but it’s true. It’s way too true, but that still doesn’t give him the right—

“And I’m trying,” Lloyd continues, his voice cracking in all the worst places. “I’m trying so hard, Sensei Wu, I am, but I can’t — you were gone, and I tried so hard to be the-the leader you would want, I really did, but things just — everything went so wrong, and I—”

Lloyd cuts off, swallowing back a sob. “But I didn’t meant it,” he croaks out. “When I said I hated—”

He doesn’t get to finish that, because he’s suddenly being dragged out of the bow by Sensei Wu, and pulled arms-first into a tight embrace before he even realizes what’s happening. Lloyd’s poor brain short-circuits in surprise, and all he can really do is hang there like a dead fish while Uncle Wu clings to him like he hasn’t since Lloyd was nine.

He might also be crying, maybe, but he’s also in dead-fish-mode, so who knows—

“No, Lloyd,” his uncle says, and there’s an edge of a sob in his words, just like the one Lloyd was choking back earlier. “I am sorry. I am so, so very sorry, not only for going behind your back, but for everything—”

He cuts off, inhaling sharply, and Lloyd stares blankly into his shoulder as his eyes decide to run like a leaky faucet. This is — this is not going according to plan. He’s not prepared for this, he was ready for Uncle Wu to yell at him, to be angry, not—

“And you have every right to be angry with me,” Uncle Wu continues, his hold on Lloyd loosening, but not letting go. “But I must — please, Lloyd, you must know it was never you that I doubted, it was me.”

He takes a ragged breath. “I failed your father, Lloyd,” he says, his voice wet. “I failed him, and I lost him. I failed Morro, and I lost him as well. I’ve failed you too, Lloyd, and I’ve almost lost you far too many times, because of my failures, but I still — I still have you, Lloyd. The idea of losing you, for good, because I was not there when you needed me most—”

Uncle Wu’s holding him tighter again, and his word are finally starting to make sense through the haze that’s fogged up Lloyd’s brain, just in time for him to hear the next part clearly.

“You’re my family, Lloyd,” Uncle Wu rasps, suddenly sounding very old. “And I don’t tell you this as often I should, but you should know how very proud of you I am, and the person you’ve become.”

Lloyd sucks in a shuddering breath, his eyes welling over. Oh. His fingers fist into the fabric of his uncle’s robe, tentatively clutching back.

“You should also know,” Uncle Wu says, his voice wet but steady. “How very much I love you, regardless of what title you choose to bear. You will always be my nephew, no matter what color you wear.”

Oh. Oh, no, here he goes again. Lloyd clutches back tighter, drops his head onto his uncle’s shoulder, and tries very hard not to cry like a total baby.

He’s about five percent successful.

The scent of incense isn’t so suffocating anymore, even if Lloyd can’t breathe through his nose for crying right now. It smells a little more like he remembers, when he was younger.

Like home.

************************

“It can be very hard,” Uncle Wu tells him later, over the light tea he’s made them both. “To love the people in this family.”

“But you do,” Lloyd voices, watching him hesitantly.

“But I do.” Uncle Wu gives a wry breath of laughter. “Not as well as you do, though.”

Lloyd ducks his head, staring into his tea. “I don’t think it helped very much,” he whispers. “Not with…with my father.”

Uncle Wu’s hand is gentle where it rests on his shoulder.

“You have a big heart, Lloyd,” he says, his voice sad. “And that means there is only that much more to break.” He shakes his hand, and Lloyd sways the tiniest bit back and forth. “That does not mean you are any weaker for it, nor that you are wrong.”

Lloyd gives a snort that is definitely not an attempt to hide welling tears again. “Tell that to my father.”

“You should tell him yourself, if you want.”

Lloyd jerks his head up, his eyes widening. “Then…does that mean I’m off the blacklist?” he asks, tentatively. “For the prison?”

Uncle Wu sighs. “If you are certain it will not break your heart anymore,” he says. “Then you may go whenever you wish. I have already removed the block, but…I would ask that you be sure. For your sake, Lloyd.”

Lloyd stares at his hands, the metal one glinting in the dim lamplight. He thinks of cruel words echoing against prison walls, of how his heart had splintered into pieces long before his father had thrown him through that last prison wall, or he’d taken a sword to his own arm. He thinks of the TV broadcasts that Nya and Jay will never be able to wipe completely from the web, no matter how hard they try. He thinks of how his father will never know the pain of his heart splitting into pieces, certainly not for Lloyd, because it’ll never be the same heart Lloyd knew once.

And yet…

One of them is sitting in a cold cell, and one of them is drinking tea with their uncle, with the people they love most a mere room away (or right outside the door, Lloyd’s overbearing-sibling-radar has been acting up).

Lloyd shakes his head. ��I don’t break,” he says, firmly.

He won’t. Not this time. Because his father — his real father, the father he loves, who he’d promised he’d live for, even in the depths of the Cursed Realm—

“I’m a Garmadon,” Lloyd says, his voice steady. “I don’t break.”

Uncle Wu is entirely unsuccessful at hiding the teary sort of smile he’s making in his teacup, but Lloyd will give him credit for trying.

************************

It’s easier walking into the prison again, the second time.

Is what Lloyd is going to say, when the others ask him how it went when he gets back. The reality is that Lloyd is every bit as mind-numbingly terrified walking through these stupid doors as he was the first time. Except this time might even be worse, actually, because he misses a step on the way in and almost trips flat on his face, which totally ruins the badass power walk he was trying to do.

It’s not like he’ll ever be able to stride around like his father, anyways, Lloyd thinks dully, even as his face burns. Not when Garmadon’s got about four entire feet and the malevolent energy of Darth Vader on him.

Lloyd spends the next three minutes cursing himself for giving in to the Star Wars references, enough that he almost forgets the growing sense of anxiety writhing in his gut as he hurries through the prison. He doesn’t spare the walls a second glance this time, making a beeline directly for the isolation cell.

He holds his breath, just a tiny bit, as the guard scans him in. He’s almost surprised as he immediately waves him through, but forces himself to shake it off.

He’s not going to walk out of this with crippling trust issues all around. He’s not. Uncle Wu said he’d told them Lloyd could go, so Lloyd trusts him. And Uncle Wu is trusting him not to break down over this, so Lloyd isn’t going to. He’s just gonna have a…a nice little chat, with his father, that’s all. Maybe ask about the impending doomsday stuff he was muttering about, and make sure he isn’t planning to break out. Definitely not going to bring up anything related to Lloyd’s emotional state, that’s for sure.

It’s going to be just fine, Lloyd assures himself, even as his metal fingers twitch, the occasional static of green buzzing between the joints. He needs to keep an eye on that. Nya’s started getting him to run actual tests on it, so he knows the green power works fine with his arm, but still.

It’s the fight that fuels his father, and Lloyd hasn’t needed a lot of encouragement to go off on someone lately.

He shoves those thoughts back as the guard takes him deeper into the prison, the hallways growing darker and narrow. Lloyd has to swallow back a growing sense of claustrophobia the farther they go, his skin crawling as unbidden memories of the fight flicker in the back of his mind.

His hands ball into fists. You’re fine, he tells himself again. This is different. It’s fine.

His power buzzes in the back of his head, as if attempting to voice that it disagrees. Lloyd studiously ignores it, because the guard’s letting him in now, and he’s got a lot more problems to worry about.

Or just one big one, he thinks faintly, staring at his father where he’s illuminated in the middle of the dark room, sitting calmly in his cell as he stares at the ceiling.

For a beat, Lloyd’s rooted to the spot — half from a dizzying sense of nausea, half because he can’t find the walkway they’ve built.

…mostly because he can’t find the walkway they’ve built. Lloyd spends an embarrassing ten seconds thinking that Garmadon’s cell is just floating there, and he’s going to have to holler this conversation back and forth across the dark expanse, before his eyes finally catch on the dim-lit walkway.

No railings, Lloyd notes, and half of him wonders how funny it’d be if, after everything, he accidentally slipped and fell on the way to visit his imprisoned father, and that’s what did him in. It’d be a real spite to Harumi, that’s what—

“I was wondering when you’d come to visit.”

Lloyd swallows at the voice, and forces himself to meet the crimson eyes staring at him, so much like his own.

“Father,” he says in greeting, as tonelessly as possible.

Garmadon scoffs, but he says nothing to refute him. The tiniest embers of hope light in Lloyd’s chest, before he violently smothers them. He’s not here to get hurt again.

His father’s eyes are moving down now, coming to a halt on Lloyd’s prosthetic. Lloyd shifts uncomfortably with the urge to hide it from view, forcing himself to stand steady.

“I never did like snakes,” Garmadon finally says, his voice even, then returns to staring at the ceiling.

Lloyd blinks. That’s it? That’s it. Lloyd’s lost an entire arm and — yeah, Garmadon already got a face-first introduction to the prosthetic back on Borg Tower, but he’d — he’d thought —

Lloyd doesn’t know what he’d thought, actually. He doesn’t have any footing with his father, anymore. He doesn’t know this person like he used to know the father who loved him.

“You said something to me, back on the tower,” Lloyd says, rallying himself. “About how they were coming. I wanted to ask you what you were talking about.”

Garmadon tilts his head, regarding him through slitted eyes. “Why don’t you ask your dear uncle?” he says, derisively. “I’m sure there’s plenty more he knows that he hasn’t told you.”

“Sensei Wu tells me enough,” Lloyd says, flatly. “If something’s coming, he’ll make sure we’re ready.”

“If you are the best he can offer, then you’re already doomed,” Garmadon scoffs.

Lloyd grits his teeth. “And yet,” he says, with forced calm. “I still beat you.”

“Watch yourself, boy,” Garmadon snarls, his teeth glinting. “You won on a technicality. Don’t be so quick to forget how easily I broke you before."

Pitching himself off the walkway is sounding like a better option by the second, which means Lloyd should probably get out of here soon.

“This threat,” he forces out, yanking them back on track. “You keep talking about. Want to share any more on that?”

Garmadon rolls his eyes. “The danger I spoke of has yet to pass,” he says, unconcerned. “I wouldn’t let it worry you and your pathetic friends’ little heads so soon. Like I said, I doubt you could handle it.”

Lloyd stares at him, incredulous. “So what, you’re just going to sit around until it’s here? And do nothing? That’s just going to make — make whatever it is worse.”

Garmadon snorts, his laugh caustic and bitter, but offers nothing else.

Lloyd’s lip curls. “Forget it, then,” he snaps. “If you’re not going to talk about anything useful, I’m not wasting my time on you. I can always come back.”

He means to storm off after that, but his feet falter, and he hesitates. He stares at his father, this hollowed-out version of him slumped in defeat in a prison cell. Something in his chest twists.

This is never what he wanted. He never wanted any of this. Is this what destiny does to them all, then? Chains them to each other until they’ve all brought each other down to their lowest point? Destroys everything thats good about them until there’s nothing but an empty shell left?

The edge of the walkway looms on either side of him, dropping into suffocating darkness. Lloyd balls his hands into fists, and remembers the crushing hopelessness he’d felt as Harumi had laughed at him on the train. It feels a lot like his grandfather’s laughing at him now, watching their stupid family drama play out like the worst kind of tragic soap opera.

Lloyd’s fists tighten. No, he tells himself. No. That’s not what destiny will do to him.

He’s the one that got away, isn’t he?

Garmadon finally seems to lose patience, his eyes flashing as he stands. “If you’re still here to gloat, boy—”

“I’m my own person, you know,” Lloyd speaks over him, cutting his father off. “I’ve got more than just you. I’m not just some fragment of your broken legacy.”

Garmadon stares back in surprise, but he says nothing.

“But I’m still your son, no matter what you say,” Lloyd continues, his voice steady. “And I’m keeping your name. So deal with it, or whatever.”

And with that, he turns around and paces steadily from the cell, back into the light. He doesn’t look back, not even once.

He can come back later, anyways. But right now, he’s gonna be late for practice.

************************

“—left, he’s on your left, Jay, are you blind?!”

“He’s fast! I don’t see you catching him!”

“That’s ‘cause you’re supposed to be guarding the left, we’re cornering him!”

“On the contrary, you are leaving your right side wide open for me. By my calculations, neither of you will ever corner me.”

“Oh, I’ll show you, tin can—”

Lloyd gives a breathless giggle as he listens in, confident in Zane’s ability to distract Cole and Jay for now. Nya’s still a possible threat, unless she’s going after their flag right now, but Lloyd’s pretty secure in the hiding place they’d picked.

“Head in the game, green machine!”

Lloyd shakes his head, jerking himself back the present at Kai’s whispered hiss. He wobbles precariously from where he’s standing on Kai’s shoulders, throwing his arms out for balance. He glares up at where Cole’s managed to hang their flag, dangling cheerfully from the tree branch far above the ground.

“Give me a sec,” Lloyd hisses back, right arm straining as his fingertips brush the air just below the flag. He scowls, biting back a curse.

“Do not tell me you’re too short to reach,” Kai whispers, before wavering a bit and tightening his hold around Lloyd’s ankles.

Lloyd scowls down at him. “I’m not,” he grumbles. “Just hold on.”

Kai makes an anxious sound. “Lloyd, Nya’s gonna catch on to us any second—”

“Hold on, hold on,” Lloyd mutters, reaching for the prosthetic port. With a click, he detaches the arm and steadies it in his other hand, then hoists it up and neatly catches the edge of their flag with it, knocking it into Kai’s waiting hands.

“Nice!” Kai crows in victory — only to turn to a yelp as Nya comes barreling around the corner, her expression borderline terrifying.

“You’re supposed to be watching our flag!” she roars at Cole and Jay, before diving for them. Lloyd shrieks as Kai launches him from his shoulders, giving a desperate cry of “Run, Lloyd!”

Lloyd flails wildly before managing to hit the ground in a roll, somersaulting once before scrambling to his feet. He spares a moment of memoriam for Kai as Jay tackles him, before being forced to break into a dead sprint as Nya comes in hot on his heels.

“Go, Lloyd!” Zane calls, from where he’s tussling with Cole. “They haven’t found our flag, we can win!”

“Not if I catch him,” Nya hisses, the hair on Lloyd’s neck standing up at how close she is. He puts on a burst of speed, streaking across the grassy field toward their base. Nya’s a blur in the back of his vision as he turns his head, but he might be able to outrun her if—

Lloyd yelps as he’s jerked backwards. “Gotcha!” Nya yells triumphantly as she locks a hand around Lloyd’s right wrist, firmly holding him back.

Lloyd doesn’t hesitate. Shoving the edge of the flag between his teeth, he reaches up and disconnects the prosthetic, shooting forward as Nya’s left stumbling, holding his arm.

“Lloyd Garmadon!” she cries indignantly. “That’s cheating!”

Lloyd cackles wildly as he runs, wavering a bit at he’s thrown off-balance from being one-armed, before quickly adjusting to the weight change and sprinting faster. Nya’s started chasing him again, but it’s too late — she’s lost valuable time, and Lloyd skids over their base line with a whoop.

Kai and Zane burst into cheers as Cole curses, finally letting Zane free from his grasp. Nya slides to a halt beside him where he’s doubled over panting, breathing heavily herself. She’s glaring at him through the sweaty hair that’s hanging in her face, and Lloyd gives her a sunny smile in return.

“You’re a dirty cheater,” she finally huffs.

“No rules in capture the flag against taking your arm off,” he replies, cheerily.

Nya rolls her eyes, but there’s a pull at the edge of her mouth like she’s trying not to smile as she thrusts his prosthetic at him.

“I don’t appreciate you treating my creation like that,” she sniffs.

“Aw, c’mon,” Kai grins, having caught up with them. “That was classic.”

“Yeah, if you’re a cheater,” Jay scowls. “I vote a rematch.”

“What, so you can lose a fifth time?”

“It has not been five times—”

“Yes it has, Zane’s been keeping count.”

“Zane’s a dirty cheater too!”

“How dare you—”

Lloyd snickers as they dissolve into arguing, carefully clicking his arm back into place. There’s still a flicker of pain as he does, but it’s getting easier. It’ll take time, he figures, just like everything else. You can’t fix all your problems in a day, no matter what Uncle Wu’s said before.

But for now, he can play dumb training games with his team. He can forget about whatever threat on the horizon, if only for a moment. Uncle Wu can amend his stance on what counts as training, because this is Lloyd’s turn to lead practice, and if he wants to play capture the flag, then that’s his call. And he can cheat with his arm if he wants to, because the universe can take his arm from him, but it’s not gonna take his ability to be a terrible little brother.

And it’s not going to take the fact that he’s Lloyd Garmadon, either, Lloyd thinks, as he straightens, his arm swinging into place. No one is. Not Harumi, not his own father, not an entire legal team from child protection services like Cole keeps joking (threatening) to call. Lloyd Garmadon is his name, and he’s keeping it.

...arguments could be made, though, for changing it to Lloyd Arm-Is-Gone.

“Lloyd, no.”

“That was awful.”

“You guys just have no taste!”

“We have plenty of taste, but the puns—”

“It’s my missing limb, I choose the coping mechanism.”

“You wanna miss another one, punk?”

“I’d like to see you try. At least I have an excuse for losing capture the flag. Oh wait, we won.”

“Oh, you’re on. Same teams as last time, you better watch your back—”

—yeah. They might not be perfectly fine just yet, but they’re going to be. And no one can take that from them, either.

#lego ninjago #ninjago #lloyd garmadon #kai smith #cole brookstone #nya smith #slight shift in focus but everyone's still there #also im saying its long but this is like #especially long even for me #oops T-T #my fic

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transkenobis · 3 years

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hey uh, throwback to 2019 when i made a rand fanmix. posting it because it can't hurt, but note that the track descriptions and song choices are all unedited.

. BLACKOUT — frank turner

but it’s not enough anymore

we can’t turn just around and close the door on the world

it’s asking uneasy questions

this one’s for winternight and the eye of the world. it’s the start of the world going to hell and being overwhelmed by the shadow (“are you afraid of the darkness?”), and it’s essentially rand against the world. he can’t just walk away from it— his house is attacked by trollocs, and the only option he has is to go with moiraine. he doesn’t really know what he’s up against, only that he’s up against something bad.

. HERO — family of the year

let me go

I don’t wanna be your hero

I don’t wanna be a big man

I just wanna fight with everyone else

this song’s all about not wanting to be a part of something big, just wanting a simple and easy life. at the beginning of the great hunt, rand really does not want to be the dragon reborn— I mean, who would? but it’s a role that he’s forced into, nonetheless. at his heart, he’s just a farmboy who wants to go home. moiraine kind of forces his destiny on him, not letting him postpone it or shove it aside. but at this point, he just doesn’t want to be a hero. the song itself is very soft (and acoustic to boot), which I think nicely represents the simple life that rand wants.

. UNUSUAL — typhoon

get your pitchforks out

the crowd is coming and they’ve named you

why, gentle mother, must you wring your hands and weep?

tide brings you a sword, sword will cut you free

dead demands a tribute in the hour of our need

blood be the river to wash the ledgers clean

oh, it took so much self-restraint to not put more than two songs from this album on this playlist. offerings is just so good AND highly existential, so if you’re wanting more sad rand hours, go listen to it. I think this song best fits rand’s start of really being the dragon reborn, around (you guessed it) the dragon reborn. the world is kind of a mess, and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he just does what he thinks he should do. he’s chosen by the pattern— the world demanded a dragon to save the world, and he was the unlucky soul born on the slopes of dragonmount. you know, his blood on the rocks of shayol ghul and all that. this song, like the one preceding it, is softer— rand hasn’t hardened himself like he will in later books. however, around halfway through, it gets louder and brings in more drums. tdr is the start of rand’s transition from farmboy to dragon reborn, in both good ways and bad.

. KIDS — mgmt

we like to watch you laughing

picking insects off of plants

no time to think of consequences

this song focuses a lot on the idea of self-control/self-restraint— not doing more than you have to, good or bad. it reminds me a lot of rand’s earlier experiences with channeling and being ta’veren. saidin is dangerous, what with the taint and all, and drawing too much of either half of the one power has severe consequences. he’s not as in control of his ta’veren-ness as he will be in later books— like his channelling, it’s a bit all over the place. the quote at the beginning of the music video (it’s friedrich nietzsche, not mark twain, but whatever) also ties in with this idea— if you’re not careful, you can become the very thing you were fighting against.

. LOUDER THAN EVER — cold war kids

I was carrying my cheek

I was digging my strange

I was taking you for granted

you were holding the reins

but I can hear you louder than ever

whisper to me, help me remember

I can’t see you but we’re still together

I can hear you louder than ever

moiraine’s “death” is a tipping point for rand— he feels like he could’ve prevented it, even though moiraine literally tells him that he couldn’t, and that what happened was the best possible outcome. after she passes through the portal, rand realizes that he took her presence for granted. her advice was good, if often unwelcome, and after her death rand just ends up going off the rails in so many different ways. when she returns in a memory of light, he realizes how helpful she was to him.

. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH ME — cold war kids

something is not right with me!

I’m trying not to let it show

the taint on saidin is just really like that, huh? rand can tell that something’s wrong, with lews therin’s voice in his head. the thing is, he doesn’t let anyone know because he’s 1) scared of showing weakness and 2) sane people don’t normally hear voices. this song is fast, but not in an upbeat way— it feels chaotic, panicked, and just barely in control. the singer is almost shouting the lyrics instead of singing them, contributing to that feeling. I think it embodies most male channellers’ experiences with the taint— it isn’t smooth or calm like saidar, it’s a raging river of fire.

. DREAMS OF CANNIBALISM — typhoon

unhand me, I am not a criminal

but I’ve played a guilty part

in the modern sense that one pretends their life is original

I wrote a book and I will call it something cynical

the story’s slow, the hero does not change

and if he can, then he won’t anyway

instead his foes and lovers all become identical

this song ends with the line “soon enough you will be dancing at my funeral,” and I can’t come up with something that encompasses rand-as-the-dragon more. people are terrified of him— hell, even he’s terrified of him. the world doesn’t want a dragon, but they got one anyways. the second set of verses above is a more textual examination of rand at this point— a crown of swords through crossroads of twilight is incredibly slow, and rand doesn’t change much throughout those books (hence why this song covers 4 books). he could make a change in his life if he tried, but he doesn’t, since he thinks he needs to shut others out to protect them. the whole song seems to be conveying the idea of being stuck and not going anywhere, but running from yourself, which, to be fair, is very close to what rand experiences in his own head in these books.

. GHOSTS THAT WE KNEW — mumford and sons

so lead me back

turn south from that place

and close my eyes to my recent disgrace

so give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

’cause oh, that gave me such a fright

but I will hold on as long as you like

just promise me we’ll be alright

I picked a soft song for the softer scene in the gathering storm where min and rand are talking about how cold he’s become. he realizes that he doesn’t have to fake an uncaring and unemotional nature— to be human is to feel, and it’s not bad to be human. the song is about going through something that’s wearing you down (a common interpretation is depression), and knowing that you have someone helping you through it. min sticks with rand during almost everything that happens from lord of chaos to the end of the series. she’s a support for him, and too stubborn to ever leave him, no matter what.

. DARKER — typhoon

I tried, you know, just to toe the line

love all the neighbors and live in the light

sure, I stumbled sometimes

self-contained; a convenient lie

every source of pain, every sting of pride

had to come from the outside

you won’t even fight me fair

wait for the darkness, catch me unaware

yeah, you pull me close

then you twist the knife

of course, that happy, warm feeling can’t last, because that scene is followed by semirhage being sadistic and deciding that now is the perfect time to use this new torture device. because of that, rand ends up shutting himself off even more than before. he’s suspicious and cruel, and thinks only for himself. it’s scary, frankly. darker, like all the songs on the album that it’s from, is very existential, though this song is, fittingly, darker than the others. it’s filled with the sense of impending death and strong suspicion that characterizes rand at this point in his life. he tried to open up, and look where it got him. this quick change is mirrored by the sharp musical contrast between the quiet, acoustic ‘ghosts that we knew’ and and the more drum-heavy, electric, and distorted ‘darker.’

. MOUNTAIN AT MY GATES — foals

I see a mountain in my way

it’s looming larger by the day

I see a darkness in my fate

I’ll drive my car without the brakes

through lanes and stone rows

black granite, wind blows

fire lake and far flame

go now but come again

dark clouds gather ’round

will I run or stand my ground

oh, when I come to climb

show me the mountain so far behind

yeah, it’s farther away

its shadow gets smaller day after day

the obvious scene for this song is the events leading up to rand’s epiphany on dragonmount. I mean, ‘mountain’ is in the song’s name. I think that this song works well to represent the weight and lack of direction he feels in the days building up to that. something that works especially well about this song is how it builds, both lyrically and musically. the song starts with a hopeless and dark tone to the lyrics, and stays that way for a while. the bridge (second set of lyrics above) is where the tone starts to change. the bridge also uses a lot of imagery that one can tie to the buildup— the streets of ebou dar, the rocky and windy peak of dragonmount, the belly of fire in the mountain itself and tar valon, the city that the peak looks over. the song then crescendos into its final segment, where the singer sings “give me my way/give me my love/give me my choice/give me my fate/give me my lungs/give me my voice.” to me, these represent rand’s realization that the reason the wheel keeps turning is so that people can live again and love again.

. COLORFUL — jukebox the ghost

we're just getting started

take your fears and let them go

for the lovers and the broken-hearted

I! love! this! song! I haven’t found another song that captures that feeling of hope in darkness: when everything around you has gone to hell, but you keep going because the darkness isn’t all there is. that’s how veins of gold ends— with rand realizing that there’s something worth fighting and living for. the gathering storm literally ends with rand laughing without bitterness for the first time in months, if not years— he’s finally looking on the bright side of life again.

. BEAUTIFUL LIFE — the collection

you do not have to be good

even the best of us have been misunderstood

so get up onto your feet

the sun is shining repentance through the leaves

its rays will wash you clean

this one’s for the end of a memory of light, when rand decides to leave and live the rest of his life on his terms. he wants to explore the world, without the pressure of his past and who he was weighing on him. he has a chance to slow down and appreciate this “beautiful life,” instead of rushing through it towards tarmon gai’don. and that’s what this song is about, i think. it’s not super peppy, and neither is rand at this point. it’s more of a quiet and peaceful acceptance.

. ALL THESE THINGS THAT I’VE DONE — the killers

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go

you know, you know, no, you don’t, you don’t

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

over and in, last call for sin

while everyone’s lost, the battle is won

with all these things that I’ve done

first of all, the wheel of time series takes place over the span of two years, and rand does so much within that time. within this playlist, I don’t think of this song as an ending, rather a summary of rand’s life through the books. I specifically want to talk about the iconic refrain of “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.” it serves as a bookend to rand’s arc as a character— initially he refuses his role as the dragon reborn (even though he’s suited for it, due to his heritage and upbringing) because he doesn’t want to fight in that way. during the bulk of the series, he embraces a role as a fighter, even though he doesn’t have the soul for it. and finally, he realizes that he isn’t a weapon, and that he never was. on another note, the line “these changes ain’t changing me/that cold-hearted boy I used to be” hits a bit too close to his character.

#the wheel of time #wheel of time #rand al'thor #wot #fanmix #dislike him but this deserves to be out there so that people who do like him can enjoy it #matt speaks

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sanders-specs · 4 years

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Roman’s Playlist Analysis

A/N: So I wanted to take a crack at diving into Roman’s Playlist and analyzing it to the best of my abilities. how each song relates to Roman, his character, his part of Thomas. I thought about the story arc Thomas talked about and tried to put that together a little bit.

Now keep in mind this is just my interpretation of it. I could be completely wrong in my conclusions, and honestly I’m interested to know your thoughts if you disagree with me on anything.

I’m going to leave my basic tl;dr here because this is long as hell. I went into each song so it’s a long read. I’m also going to tag some people who seemed interested in this. I’d say if you were going to read any of the song analysis, to read the last three. they’re my favorite.

tag list: @viva-la-pluto @nonexistent-username @writingfeedsthedarkestones @such-as-we-are-made-such-we-be

Here’s the story of Roman’s playlist:

We start with some pretty obvious songs that show who Roman is. He’s a huge fan of Disney, gay, he loves Broadway and wants to be famous. He’s a hero, someone who will vanquish his foes and come out victorious! He has big dreams, and he’s determined to make them come true! He’s got high expectations, both for himself and for a future romantic partner. He’s confident, determined, sassy, and a huge diva.

Then we go a little deeper. He’s lonely, he’s desperate for love. He wants someone in his life. He wants to achieve his dreams so badly, but he has doubts. He’s unsure of himself. Both as a performer and as a lover. He’s unsure of his place among Thomas’s sides, if he’s important to them. He’s just really afraid, underneath it all. He’s so, so scared of possible failure, of letting Thomas down.

But he still wants to be the leader for the actors and singers and creators following him. He wants to show them that you can get back up again and take off after your dreams.

And then he decides that he wants to be the one to go after his dreams. really, truly, fully. He’s lonely, he’s scared of failure, but he doesn’t want to let that hold him back anymore.

Okay let’s start with the very first song on the playlist, A Gay Disney Prince.

So this one will be pretty obvious for everyone. Roman is a prince, Thomas is gay (ergo Roman is gay). Roman loves Disney. I would’ve been very confused if this song didn’t make it onto his playlist. I would’ve had to gotten through my social anxiety to ask them why. But they have it on there, so I don’t have to.

My interest lies in the fact that it’s the first song on there. Thomas said that while putting together to playlist, they were trying to make it like a story—a beginning, a climatic middle, and an end. So to start off with this song honestly makes a lot of sense to me.

Most kids walked through life but I sang and danced

… Everyone around me could see That Disney meant everything And as I grew up Disney did too

It starts with talking about Thomas (we’re going to talk mostly about Character Thomas, since in this context it feels a little weird to talk about Roman as if he wasn’t apart of a person) growing up loving music and Disney. So we’re starting from the beginning here, talking about when Thomas was younger. And as he grew up and his love of Disney did too, so did his realization of his sexuality. This song, as originally intended by (real) Thomas and Joan is that growing up as a gay man would have been a lot easier had Disney had that representation.

Disney don't shoot so straight You're in the musical scene --- A guy who likes guys who is still humanized in his Film! ---- Try the gay stuff, it's delicious! Please give us more than this bullshit Yeah, that's a bit screwy Makes me say Lefouey Put me in a film Gee, that would be swell --- Who is that prince I see? Very straight, unlike me

And then the stanza that really ties it all together: If only I'd had you in my early years I might have seemed less weird to my non-queer peers Who'd mature into parents, understanding and warm Knowing hetero-ever-after doesn't have to be the norm If they'd have seen

Someone like me

A gay Disney prince

Roman (C!Thomas) longs to have had that understanding as a child, to have that representation in the movies and songs and characters he loves so much. Roman is the side of hopes and dreams and romance. This one falls under the hope category, even though he is all grown up now, he still yearns to see a true gay Disney prince for that validation.

So we start simultaneously in Thomas’s childhood as well as him in the present. At least, the part that Roman cares the most about. Really who he wishes he could be.

Now onto the next song, Wonder Boy. Now, I know this is from a musical (appropriate), and one that I know next to nothing about, so I’m just going to go off the lyrics. Forgive me if I overlook something related to the plot of the show.

This song is one that highlights Roman’s need to be a hero.

High above the mucky-muck Castle made of clouds There sits Wonderboy Sitting oh so proudly

He wants to save the day! Concur the villain! Wonderboy is someone who sits above all and has all these powers to help him with this conquest!

The song goes on to talk about Wonderboy’s arch-nemisis, Nastyman, who has all these powers that make him on level with Wonderboy.

Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman Arch-rival and nemesis of Wonderboy With powers comparable to Wonderboy What powers you ask? I don't know how about the power of flight That do anything for ya? That's levitation, holmes How about the power to kill a yak From 200 yards away With mind-bullets That's telekinesis, Kyle How about the power To move you

Reminds ya a bit of Roman and Virgil huh? Roman is able to have a very big influence on Thomas. He literally holds Thomas’s hopes and dreams and everything he wants to do with his life. Virgil, on the other hand, can stop Thomas from achieving those dreams out of fear. He can be louder than Roman, get Thomas’s attention easier, make Thomas pay attention to him.

It’s interesting to me that in the song, Wonderboy and Nastyman end up joining forces in the end. It reminds me a little of Accepting Anxiety and Moving On, when Roman has to accept the fact that he has to work with Virgil in order for Thomas to be successful. He “joined forces” with the “villain” in order to be “victorious.” Well Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces They formed a band the likes of which had never been seen And they called themselves Tenacious D That's right

Oh Take my hand Young Nastyman And we'll fly Bring out your broadsword There's the Hydra Slice his throat And grab his scrot' You take the high road I'll take the low

In the end, Roman learned that Virgil not only helps Thomas a lot, but works well with him in order for Thomas to create as well as he does. The “bring out your bradsword/there’s a Hydra/Slice his throat” part, to me, in the context of Roman, shows that he’s handing some of the control—and the glory—to Virgil. He’s letting Virgil help and working with him, like a team in a fantasy story learning to work together and finally finding how they work as a team.

And now…Disney Princess.

I love this song. It cracks me up. I think Thomas had it on one of his monthly playlists and that’s how I found it, but I love it so much. I’m so glad it’s on this playlist.

This song is chock full of satire. they take the ridiculous parts of the movies and put them in the song. And seeing as this comes after the Wonderboy song, you could honestly draw a comparison to The Dark Side of Disney which is really the first time Roman realizes he actually has something in common with Virgil, the supposed villain. It’s got the same kind of sarcasm that Virgil adopts in that video with the movies.

But there’s also a bit of wistfulness in it, because, yeah, the Disney princesses are the stars of Disney. The princes didn’t get a couple of cameos in the second Wreck-It-Ralph movie that Disney over-sold. As ridiculous as the situations the princesses went through at times, they do all have these amazing abilities and experiences.

If I were a Disney Princess I would have everything at my fingertips

---

And I wish I could be a Disney Princess So I could fight the Mongolian army

---

I could cry life saving tears I could resurrect dead men with my tears

Mulan, I wanna be you So that I could have a sassy dragon I want a sassy dragon

The song also makes it clear that they want all the good stuff that comes with being a Disney Princess. The attention, the powers, highfiving the ocean.

Also sassy dragon. We all want a sassy dragon in our lives.

I can see how Roman would hear this song and relate to it. Circling back to the first song, there’s no prince out there he can relate to, so he projects onto the heroines, the princesses. They always get the man, after all.

Then there’s this las verse, which I think is the most Roman out of the entire song.

I wanna be a Disney Princess And if I were I'd take no recess to spread the warmth and love It's the best way to live your life I'd be a handsome man's wife And we'd kiss, and we'd kiss, and we'd kiss it’s full of wistfulness and is really the only verse in the song that is more positive and not as sarcastic. Not only that, but it’s romantic as well. Replace wife with husband and you’ve got one of Roman’s biggest dreams: to find the [second] most handsomest prince in the world.

Broadway Here I Come!

From the brief research I did, this is a song from a musical TV series. I’m not going to go too much into it’s original context. And if you’re triggered by sensitive material, I suggest you don’t look it up either.

So in this song, it’s another pretty obvious Roman song. It talks about wanting to be on Broadway, to be famous, to be known, and how hard that success is. For any musical theater performer, Broadway is the ultimate goal. For someone like Roman, who does crave that success and fame, this song is almost like his cries of longing for it.

It shows how hard it is to make it. To be known and gain that success, and how even though some make it look easy, it’s actually very hard.

See I've been bravin' crazy weather Drownin' out my cries I pull myself together I'm focused on the prize

---

The people all are pointing I bet they'd never guess That the saint that they're anointing Is frightened of the mess But even though I fear it I'm playin' all my cards

It’s also got this hopefulness in it. Like the singer has no doubt that they’re going to make it. But there’s also some doubt. Will they still be the same person? Or will they change dramatically?

Will I remain the same, or will I change a little bit? Will I feel broken or totally complete? Will I retain my name when I'm the biggest, hugest hit? Or will I blend in with the rest of the street?

Roman, as much as he acts heroic and like he fears nothing, wants nothing more than to be known, be given the validation, to show off his talents. He knows he’s good, he knows he’s got what it takes, but it’s hard for him to get there. Maybe even to have the confidence to get there. People have to like him in order for him to have all that. They have to like his ideas, his talents. Without their validation, Thomas can’t succeed. Roman can’t succeed.

On to Hallelujah. No, not the amazing Jeff Buckly song (though this song is pretty amazing and catchy).

This one kinda ties in with the last one. It talks about wanting to be someone, wanting to be super star. And having people doubt that, even your own family. Also being inspired by other artist and the creations they make.

I heard it on the radio On my way back home That I'm gonna be someone I guess it was a song they wrote Saying don’t go slow 'Cause you're gonna be someone

--- Some days I don’t think my momma thinks I'm good enough to be a superstar But one day I will show her I'm a diamond in the rough, I'll be a superstar

It also throws that doubt in their faces. It kinda hints that their doubt only makes them want to succeed even more.

'Cause there's a crown Covered in glitter and gold I'm gonna wear it, whether you like it or not Yeah, there's a crown Covered in glitter and gold I’m gonna wear it, whether you like it or not And I’ll be singing Halle-halle-halle-halle-halle-hallelujah Halle-hallelujah Whether you like it or not

Also, no, I’m not going to ignore the ‘there’s a crown covered in glitter and gold’. Give Roman a glittery gold crown 2020.

But yeah, it really goes with the previous song. It matches the theme of Roman wanting to be famous, wanting Thomas to be famous and known. To wear that crown, no matter what anyone else says. No matter what they think, or how much they believe in him. It goes against the doubt in the last song, but don’t we all have those moments of doubt, then confidence, then doubt again? Our confidence can wavier and surge just as much as our anxiety.

Holding Out For A Hero. Ah, what a great song. Still should have been the Shrek 2 version because man could I have made some comparisons, but oh well.

So here we’ve taken a break from the dreams part and gone back to the hope and romance part. This song is pretty self-explanatory. The singer is looking for a partner who will be, well, their hero to come rescue them.

Now, I’m not sure if the intention for the inclusion of this song was that Roman would be that hero, if he is also waiting for that hero, or a bit of both. He is very save-the-damsel-in-distress type of prince archetype after all. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants a prince who matches his own heroic ideals and who would treat him the same. It also says a little something about his standards. He won’t let Thomas settle for just anyone. He’s got to be perfect (Roman’s standards of perfect, anyway).

Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn, and I dream of what I need I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat It's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet

Yes, I had to include the entire first part of the song. I honestly feel like it sums up Roman’s standards pretty well. He won’t settle for anything less than superman or Hercules himself.

On the other hand, it could be Roman’s standards for himself as well. He has to be that Superman, the savior of all those in trouble and be the dashing white knight. Just as he holds his talents up to high standards, he holds his entire self up to high standards (his…part of the personality?). His actions, his thoughts, his ideas. Everything has to be perfect. He has to be the hero to everyone around him.

If I Dare is so fucking beautiful. Sara Bareilles has such a pretty voice.

I love the message in it too. It’s such a strong “fuck off and watch me” song.

Which, you know, also goes with Roman. It ties in well with Hallelujah. It follows the same themes of people doubting the singer, and the singer basically saying “hold my purse” and going to prove their doubters wrong.

This song is basically saying, dare to hold yourself to higher standards than what others hold you to. Dare to do more than what you thought you could, because you really can surprise yourself.

Seriously just really listen to this song, it’s so empowering. I’m literally going to leave most of the lyrics, aside from the repeating ones. It’s so fucking great.

If I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to If I dare to want this, to want more than I have Then I dare to believe I'll have it in the end You climbed the mountain, sent pictures of the view And still can't believe when I started climbing, too You haven't heard that I'm not afraid to fall That I'm not deterred yet until I tell them all I am holding out for more than what I have now I'm holding out I don't want your pity, I won't use your little scraps I don't build my cities with what could get taken back I don't need permission to rise up when it hurts You don't have to listen, but you'll hear me Mark my words When the room gets dark, and I am quiet There's a voice that's soft, like someone's silhouette Saying, "Don't let me go yet" If I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true (Believe me, I will be) If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to If I dare to want this, to want more than i have (Believe me, I will be) Then I dare to believe I'll have it in the end

If you can’t tell, I love this song.

It’s got such a confidence surge in it. It also goes with my last point in Holding Out for a Hero of Roman holding himself to high standards. Not only does he want to be a hero to others, and he’s not going to settle for any less, he’s not going to let anyone stop him. He’s not going to let the doubt, the fear, of others influence him. He’s going to take their pity and doubt and use it to make him stronger. He’s going to hold himself to these standards and take his own fate into his hands and be like Merida (no not go on a psychedelic trip with a bear, but good memory). He is going to be the gay Disney prince he needed so much for himself.

Go the Distance continues the “I’ll do what I want” theme. And I don’t mean that in an angsty teen kinda way. Just in a “You can’t strike down my confidence” kind of way.

Now, the tone of this song, while heroic and hopeful, is also a little softer than the others, so it kinda feels like it doesn’t fit, but the lyrics and meaning of it does.

Hercules is probably the closest Disney has to a Disney Prince being the main character of the movie (having the movie named after him, going into his backstory first, all that jazz). At least off the top of my head. He at the very least is the closest to having a hero song akin to Let it Go, Almost there, How Far I’ll Go, Show Yourself etc. (yes, Elsa’s on there twice. Yes, I know she’s not technically a princess, but she also has some pretty badass songs in what is technically considered Disney Princess movies).

And, I mean, it’s an incredibly hopeful song. Hercules is going out to prove himself, to show that he can be the hero he was born to be. I can see how that is something Roman would look to. How he can relate to.

It also goes along with the idea of wanting to be known and seen. Recognized for what you do.

I have often dreamed of a far-off place Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face

The song is also about finding your place, where you feel like you should be. About keeping up hope as you go through the paths to where you need to be. Where that “hero’s welcome” will be waiting. Hercules feels like an outsider, like he doesn’t belong, so he’s searching for that place.

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance I will find my way, if I can be strong I know every mile, will be worth my while When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong

We all feel like that sometimes. Like we’re trying to find our place in the world. In the context of Roman, he’s in the middle of searching for that place. He wants Thomas to be in a place where he feels like he belongs, where he feels welcomed and embraced. In the theater world, maybe. Or YouTube. Maybe even Hollywood. Somewhere he can flourish, really show what he’s capable of, what Roman knows he’s capable of. But also where he doesn’t have to hide who he is, be it a different part of his talents or his sexuality. Roman wants Thomas to be in a place where people will embrace all of Roman.

And he’s going to find it. He’s going to do what it takes to get there.

Flamboyant is a fun one. This one delves into who Roman is, the kind of character that he is, rather than what he encompasses in Thomas. At least, that’s the way I see it. I’m sure if roman were the only side there, then, well, Thomas would just be Roman.

Looking at the lyrics and thinking back on the previous songs, this one makes me think that even though Roman wants (needs) people to like him, he also wants to be unapologetically himself. Extravagance and all.

Don't tell me what to do Don't tell me what to say You know I like it loud 'Cause that's the only way No taste for subtlety And no time for restraint No, I go all the way

I think we can all agree that this pretty much sums up Roman and the energy he gives off. We saw him in Virgil’s room. In Patton’s. Subtly is not something he’s very good at and he’s not very good with taking other people’s opinions (or suggestions) when it comes to his ideas or his work.

You always see me putting on a show I entertain until it's time to go

He’s always playing up the prince role. The actor role. He doesn’t tone it down. The fancy phrases, the exaggerated movement, the way he dresses.

At least until he thinks no one’s looking.

Alllllright now we’re getting into the love songs. Or…lust songs? Is that a category?

Okay, look, I’m ace, sex repulsed, and clueless at times. I’ll do my best here. But looking at the next few songs, it’s not a very happy story.

Jumpstarted is a song that I honestly can’t really pin down what it’s about. It’s catchy, for sure. I love the harmonies in it. But I can’t tell if it’s a love song or has a different meaning that I’m not going to delve into.

But in Roman’s case, it seems like a song that screams love. Roman is a part of Thomas that falls in love easily. He’s romance, after all (and, yes, lust. Remus too). So this song shows how easily he falls, and how easily those fantasies of romance can take hold.

As two hearts started dancing A new story begins

---

To the races, got my love jumpstarted The only one I want is you (Say it again, hey!) I hear the bells, and they're ringing already Four kids and a big ol' wedding, singing "You" (Say it again, hey!) Now as I make the long walk home You got me feeling like an overdose, singing (You)

Thomas is a romantic. Roman is proof enough of that. In Moving On, he’s coming up with all these wild ideas to get Thomas’s ex back. In other videos when they talk about love, he always expresses the most wistful reaction (or overdramatic. Or, well, both). Thomas sees one cute guy and Roman is already planning the next five years of their lives together. Not only does he want the romance, he craves it, so the tiny semblance of it has him running headlong into it.

And your gravity, my depravity won't take my advice (So nice) I never run while I still (Can)

Brave New Girl makes me think that this shows a wilder side of Roman. I suppose if there’s any side of Thomas who likes to part, it’d be Roman.

Also reckless.

Brave New Girl is a song that seems like it’s about someone who is new to the world, maybe a little naïve, but still out to have a good time. It’s reminiscent of your classic collage story. A freshman girl away from home for the first time and embracing the “collage life.” Parties, hook ups, your stereotypical definition of having fun (in the case of collage movies and such).

She wants a good time, no need to rewind She needs to really, really find what she wants She lands on both feet, won't take a back seat There's a brave new girl, and she's coming out tonight

Roman out of everyone else is the side that would really push Thomas to just let go, have fun. Maybe if Thomas wasn’t so introverted, he would be able to meet the love of his life. Maybe if Thomas didn’t hold himself back (or I suppose if Logan and Virgil didn’t hold him back) then they could have more fun and accomplish his dreams. And meet the love of his life!

This could also be reminiscent of Thomas’s coming out? It’s not something I want to try to “analyze” because that’s something personal to Thomas and also not something I’m too familiar with. I don’t really want to step on any toes. But with the song talking about a new person entering the world, and “uncovering [their] eyes” I thought to mention it here. After all, it would be after that that Roman really would get the chance to be fully himself.

Every Boy is very self explanatory. It’s just Roman being gay.

‘I just wanna kiss every boy in the world’ is repeated so many times, ya’ll. Like at this point you’ve probably listened to it, but that one phrase takes up most of the song.

It’s very much showing Thomas’s sexuality, because again, that’s a big part of Roman since he encompasses romance and sexuality.

It also shows a lot of wistfulness, because Thomas is single and doesn’t have a boy to kiss. Even the tone in the song kinda reflects that. He’s lonely he just wants to kiss a boy. All the boys. In the world.

But yeah Thomas really likes boys. Roman really really likes boys.

Okay now we’re just to the point of Roman being sassy.

Primadonna definition: a very temperamental person with an inflated view of their own talent or importance.

Sound like someone we know?

The song, Primadonna, really just reminds me again of Roman and how he acts and presents himself.

Living life like I'm in a play In the limelight I want to stay I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal though

---

All I ever wanted was the world I can't help that I need it all The primadonna life, the rise and fall You say that I'm kinda difficult But it's always someone else's fault

The song also goes back to the whole Roman doing what he can to achieve his dreams, in a way. He is going to do what he can to get what he wants, but he doesn’t want to change who he is in order to get there. These last few songs really show that too, I think. The first songs, while showing longing for his hopes and dreams, these are showing that Roman honestly isn’t afraid to be himself. He’s out and proud, he’s got an ego (he is an ego), he’s sassy, extravagant, maybe a bit high matinance, and he doesn’t want to or plan to change for anyone.

Though…

King kinda has an exception.

Remember how I said Roman falls in love easily?

Yeah, this song kinda shows how that can go wrong. He clings to his loves, we’ve seen it. His refusal to let go of Thomas’s ex really shows that. Of course, there are lot of layers to that, but Roman was just as guilty about making Thomas (Patton) hold on to the hope of winning him back.

And, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh I was a king under your control And, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh I wanna feel like you've let me go

Maybe in this case it means that Roman (Thomas) felt that perhaps his ex did have some semblance of control over him still. He must have, if Thomas was still thinking about him.

I don’t want to reach too far with this comparison. Thomas left the details of his ex pretty vague. But still, it’s the only reason I can think of that this song would be on the playlist. Or the fact that Roman, while very forward and dramatic, can fall under the gaze of a pretty guy.

Cheap Queen is a song I had to look into a bit to understand it. Cheap queen is “a drag term for someone who is resourceful, who makes something out of nothing, who is a creator on a budget” (this is coming from the singer). While Roman isn’t a drag queen, he would take inspiration from them, and that definition can describe the kind of creator Roman is.

But there are some lyrics here that put in the context of Roman make me think that it shows more of his doubts.

I've been alright I've just been doing the same shit I've always liked (Smiling for the audience) Like smoking and movies and homies who bring me wine I've been going out too much (Queen) And talking 'bout myself too much (Oh, smiling for the audience)

Side thought: This song feels very…1920’s actress smoking in a green room vibes.

Why? I have no idea. Maybe it’s the background audio.

But it makes me think about this diva in a swing dress, a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

Yeah, I watch too much TV.

I can be good sometimes I'm a cheap queen I can be what you like And I can be bad sometimes I'm a real queen I can make grown men cry

Something about this verse makes me think that it’s a bit of Roman trying to prove himself? To himself, to the others, to his audience. While still trying to keep up his persona. Again, he wants people to like him, to like what he does. He is Thomas’s ego after all. He wants to please the masses.

Humility is where we get real.

So far, I think we’ve gone from who Roman is on the surface and slowly dug down. We’ve seen his insecurities, his hopes, his dreams, his more sexy side, his desperate side.

Now we’re seeing the lonely side.

Calling the world from isolation 'Cause right now, that's the ball where we be chained

---

I'm the lonely twin, the left hand Reset myself and get back on track I don't want this isolation See the state I'm in now?

Now I this verse isn’t intentionally targeting towards Roman, complete with the twin part, then I don’t know why it would be on this playlist. He feels isolated. Romantically, socially. Perhaps even among the sides. Look at the point where we are right now in the series. He had to give up on a huge dream with the callback. He’s being put on the back burner, Remus—the side he said is everything he doesn’t want to be—is now known to Thomas which means he has to deal with him even more.

If I pick it up when I know that it's broken Do I put it back? Or do I head out onto the lonesome trail And let you down?

I think he’s scared of letting Thomas down. Of not reaching the goals he sets out for them, of Logan being right. That the path Thomas is on is not one that is right for him. So he’s alone and scared and doubting himself and doing everything he can not to show it

Following that, Ain’t Got it Like That shows a bit of self-understanding, if I phrased that right?

Roman knows that he’s the only one of the sides who really wants these hopes and dreams for Thomas. Patton wants Thomas to be happy, so sure he supports Roman, but if Thomas were to listen to Logan or Deceit (and suppress Roman, his true hopes and dreams), then he would support them too.

One in a million, maybe it's me The chances of winning are slimmer than three Moving and shaking and makin' it happen Producing and singing while people was trappin' Chasing a dream and living for free A whole lotta people help the hell out of me A job ain't the move, I'm just a musician I followed the path, continued the mission

Roman’s going to continue being himself, doing his job, and trying to make himself heard. Even if he’s lonely and has self-confidence issues. He’s nothing if not determined. And as the song says, “a whole lotta people help the hell out of me.”

One thing Thomas has is friends and family who support and encourage him. They help to feed into what Roman wants and helps to give him the reassurance that he needs that he’s on the right path.

I got soul and a whole lotta songs I get love even if I'm dead wrong And I know that I got what I need Even when I don't got what I want

Roman is convinced he’s right. Look at how hard he fought Logan during their episode. He knows he can be wrong, he knows he’s not perfect, but he also knows that when it comes to the path Thomas is on, he is right and he is at least confidant in that fact.

Look I've thinking that I'm at the limit The fact I need money with all my decisions I want it all and all, I'll admit it If you never had it, I know that you get it They say that everything ain't gold, but damn I mean, I... wanna little of my own I'm sayin' that I know that (I know that) They say that pressure makes diamonds But I just wanna pay my bills on time

I feel like this song really shows that he understands that being a singer and performer is hard and definitely not the easy way out. The is really the only song here that talks about money. It’s hard to make it as a performer. YouTuber, actor, you name it. Roman knows this, but that doesn’t stop him from dreaming and being determined to go after those dreams.

God I love these last three songs

Do you guys have those set of songs that are like your inspirational songs? Ones that really make you feel good and the lyrics really speak to you and make you want to really go after what you want? Songs of hope. They sometimes make you cry if you think about the lyrics too much.

I feel like those are these songs for Roman. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

Dreamer is another song where I might just have all the lyrics here, because the entire song just feels like Roman talking to himself. Reminding himself of all these things.

Dream, little dreamer Don't care what they say Don't let the pain of their failure Tear you away

The other Sides. Logan, mainly. The naysayers on YouTube, the old friends who don’t believe in him. The people around him who fail at what he’s trying to do. He can’t let that get to him. He can’t let them get into his head. He has to keep going.

You can do anything What would you do if I told you You would always succeed

He has to remember that he can do anything. Thomas is capable of anything.

And well we're afraid of the same things Scared to end up alone Scared that no one will remember our names And well we're afraid of the same things Scared to try and to fail Scared our best isn't good enough

This really circles back to some of the middle songs. He wants to be remembered, known. He’s afraid he’s going to fail. That Thomas will not only not achieve his dreams, but that he will be alone through it all. Not even a shoulder to cry on. He scared of that failure. Scared of letting Thomas down. And through that…Thomas is scared of letting himself down.

Dream like you won't fail Sing like no one's there Dance like you don't care

And I mean you really have to. If you think too much about that failure, that fear, then it can hinder you. You have to move through life like you’re going to achieve your dreams, that no one can hold you back, not even yourself.

Even if you are scared. Even if you do really, really care.

Don't fear, little dreamer You'll get there one day And I know that it's scary But you'll succeed

Don't fear, little dreamer Let them hear you sing What would you do if I told you That we'll always believe

He has to remind himself of all of this. This support, this encouragement, is something every creator needs. It’s the fuel that keeps us going. So having this, in just a song, is so important for him.

And we all Oh we question the same things Why does life seem unfair Why does loneliness hurt so much

This part really highlights Roman’s feelings. Again, he’s lonely in this. He feels like life is unfair, that a wedding is getting it the way of achieving a dream he’s so close to.

And we all Oh we question the same things What is my purpose in life Why does love never seem like enough

I don’t really have too much to add to this one. I feel like it’s something that stands by itself. I can really see how Roman feels this way, asking himself these same questions.

---

You're exceptional You're original So stay true to your soul Don't let them take that away You're magnificent You're sensational And the dreams that you're dreaming will surely come true one day

More reminders that he needs to tell himself. That he needs to remember. He can’t let the doubters hold him back from his dreams. He can’t let the setbacks stop him.

I can imagine Roman having this song on when he’s feeling down. When the weight of all his failures and his loneliness feel like too much. I can picture him hanging on to every lyric, learning them and memorizing them so call on later when he starts to feel those doubts again.

Dream, little dreamer

This next song makes me cry.

Paving the Runway (You’re Gonna Fly) is so fucking good. It’s so pretty. The piano is gorgeous, the message is beautiful, it’s so soft. I love it a lot.

Okay, anyway.

This is another one that is there for encouragement. A reminder not to give up. Not even when your wings are broken and battered.

Go after your dreams, as crazy as they may seem Go chase all the stars in the sky Baby, I'll be paving the runway 'Cause I know that one day you're gonna fly Darling, stand on my shoulders Up where it's carefree, simple and good Baby, soon you'll be older You will reach higher than I ever could If ever your wings, are tired and broken things Can't see through the tears in your eyes Baby, I'll be paving the runway 'Cause I know that one day you're gonna fly

I can see Roman being tired. His job is not an easy one. He wants so much for himself, for Thomas, but it’s so hard. The rejections, the mistakes, the hardwork going into a project only for it to not do well. It’s enough to beat you down, flood you with doubts.

Think about the songs leading up to this. Growing up without seeing yourself in your favorite movies, trying so hard to work towards his dreams of singing and acting. Trying so hard to find love, only for it to be just as hard. being in this lonely place where he feels like he’s working by himself, not even the other sides really helping him (Patton being an exception at times, but even then, when it came to wedding vs callback, Patton went with wedding).

This is a song I think Roman would really need after all of that.

Another thing I like to think about with this, though, is that Roman is the one singing it to others. He’s been there, he knows what it’s like. He’s got bandaged wings that are still strong. He wants to be able to pave the runway for those coming after him. He wants to be a beacon of light for actors and singers and creators who were once or still are in his position, taking their hand, and helping them up, getting them running, and watching them fly towards their own dreams.

Maybe it’s a mixture of both. Maybe he’s not going to be the first gay Disney prince, but he can sure as hell make way for him, wherever he may be, while still going after his own dreams.

Now, imagine:

Roman is watching these other creators, all flying off towards their dreams. he take a deep breath and starts running himself.

GO is the song that plays as he takes off with his own bandaged and tattered wings.

Why are you waiting for Another open door You've seen it all before GO Exit stage left Lay your act to rest Don't second guess GO Do Do Do Do Do Do, Do Do

The fear within Has held you hostage Break free and live

Roman has been doubting himself. He’s been scared and lonely and not sure if what he’s doing, what he wants, is right.

He wants to think it is. No, he knows it is. So why is he holding himself back? He needs to just go, to do it.

I like that this song leaves it off with an ending, but not one that just ends, if that makes sense. Roman is off, going after his dreams. he picked himself back up and he’s off. What is he going to do next? Where is his next destination? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see.

#roman sanders #sanders sides #long post #roman's playlist analysis #remus sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #thomas sanders

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