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seventven · 3 years

Text

Bad Intentions

summary: dr barnes, y/n’s psychology professor and final year thesis supervisor is going through a rough patch in his marriage. following a heated argument at the end of class, dr barnes spots y/n at an on-campus bar. he makes a twisted revelation.

pairing: professor!bucky x reader

warnings: age gap [y/n is around 22 and dr barnes is 39]; he’s kind of a dick(?) and a little creepy(?); implications of stalking, he [violently but consensually] takes what he wants, public shenanigans, academic misconduct, cheating, swearing and drinking.

a/n: the whole story is based on the gif below. y’all i actually used my degree for this. p.s. requests are open and you can send them in here.

“Remember that the seminar next week is cancelled. Enjoy your time off but please don’t forget to do the reading!”

Dr Barnes was only halfway through his sentence when everyone was already getting up to leave. It was a Friday afternoon so it was no surprise that all the students were eager to depart. Almost one hundred psychology majors of varying academic years crammed in the bleak lecture hall and most of them could hardly focus on the topic of the class; no one wanted to be pondering over the validity of intelligence tests on a Friday.

Y/N soundlessly shut her laptop and reached for her bag beneath the desk. It was just past four o’clock and her stomach growled for something to eat. She had skipped lunch to go looking for Dr Barnes, needing to ask him a question about an upcoming assignment. To her dismay, she did not find him like she had hoped. In fact, she didn’t see him until he strolled into the lecture hall fifteen minutes late and grumbled something that resembled an apology to the class.

Dr Barnes was Y/N’s personality and intelligence professor; a big, bearded guy who did his psychology PhD when Y/N was still watching cartoons. Y/N had just started the last year of her undergrad, and after handing in a proposal for her final year thesis, she was assigned Dr Barnes as her supervisor. She wasn’t at all surprised, if truth be told. With the amount of professors going on maternity and paternity leave after their lockdown shenanigans, Dr Barnes was one of the few personality experts left at the university and took on more supervision cases and classes than he had any previous year.

Y/N knew he was busy and that harassing him with more emails about her little predicament wasn’t like to make his day easier. She had emailed him on Wednesday morning, and from her experience with Dr Barnes in previous years, she expected to receive a reply within 24 hours. This was always the case with him.

However, when Friday rolled around and no response had come through her inbox, Y/N knew she had to take matters into her own hands. The ethics application for her project was due on Monday and she simply couldn’t proceed without his advice on the matter. Psychology research ethics were a bitch, and she wasn’t exactly keen on making some stupid mistake and having the university slam her for carelessness.

Y/N took her time packing her things, waiting patiently until the majority of students had departed before finally pushing herself up to stand and slinging her tote bag over her shoulder.

Wanda, her roommate, remained in her seat, jotting something down in her notebook. “I’ll wait for you while you talk. We can go to the library after,” she proposed, and Y/N smiled at the idea, nodding her head eagerly.

Dr Barnes was still by his desk, eyes focused on the screen of his computer as he closed his lecture slides and finally shut off the projector. He looked up from what he was doing and eyed Y/N curiously as she approached him.

“Any questions about the lecture?” He asked, almost absentmindedly, diverting his eyes back to his computer. He proceeded to tap a few buttons, wait a short moment, then slowly close the laptop. He began to gather up the pages strewn across his desk.

“Not about the lecture, no.” Y/N smiled at him politely and walked a little closer, coming to a stop just before his desk. She noticed his beard had grown out a bit longer since she had last spoken to him, looking a little more rugged than usual. “I was wondering if you received my email?”

Dr Barnes lifted his gaze and considered her face for a long moment. Y/N shifted her weight from one leg to the other, feeling herself grow a little uncomfortable under his dark eyes. Dr Barnes seemed a little irritated.

“Have you bothered to read the module handbook before taking this class, Miss Y/L/N?” He tore his gaze away again, turning his attention to the papers in his hands and shoving them into a thick plastic folder. “No, of course you haven’t. No one ever does.”

Y/N remained quiet, her initial polite smile faltering at his sarcasm. She was used to Dr Barnes always acting cheerful and kind, always eager to help whenever he could. In previous years, he had even stayed behind after classes to help her friends out with assignments and often sent out recommendations for readings which he thought would simplify complicated concepts and ideas. Dr Barnes always went the extra mile. On this particular Friday, however, something just wasn’t right.

“Just for a second, let’s pretend that you did go to the incredibly difficult length of opening the document I had posted on the forum, labelled important, and read the excruciatingly long five hundred words it contained.”

He closed his folder and slid it into his brown messenger bag.

“You would then be aware that university policy clearly states lecturers have five working days to respond to any queries via email. To answer your question, yes, I have seen your email but I have not yet had the time to find the appropriate resources to direct you to. You can trust that you will receive your answer by Tuesday.”

He proceeded to shove his laptop into his bag, then checked the time on his watch. To Dr Barnes, the conversation was over.

“But the assignment is due by Monday afternoon,” Y/N reminded him, and the look he shot her in response made her regret she hadn’t just dropped it. To say he looked annoyed was an understatement.

“It’s not my problem you left it this late,” he answered coolly. “You shouldn’t be expecting special treatment from your lecturers. I’m taking twice the normal amount of classes, have about eighty assignments to mark this weekend, and on top of that, I’m in a really bad fucking mood, so don’t expect me to just drop everything for you.”

Behind her, Y/N could hear Wanda hurry to pick up her stuff, eager to remove herself from the room as swiftly as humanly possible. The angry exchange was the last thing Y/N had expected when she approached his desk, and she couldn’t blame Wanda for wanting to get away. The whole thing was just plain awkward, and if Y/N had been in Wanda’s shoes, she’d want to give them some privacy, too.

Wanda’s steps echoed off the walls of the lecture hall, and then the door was swinging shut behind her. It was just Y/N and Dr Barnes.

His eyes met her face again, one eyebrow raised expectantly, his expression almost scornful. He picked up his jacket from the back of his swivel chair and slid into it quietly, the silence discourteous in itself.

“Is that all?”

With her lips parted at his gruff and unfriendly attitude, Y/N lightly nodded her head and took a step back. She had never heard Dr Barnes curse so openly before, and she wasn’t keen on provoking him further. Her eyes remained trained on his clearly aggravated expression for a brief moment before she finally turned towards the exit.

“One more thing.” She hadn’t even made it two feet before his voice stopped her in her tracks. She turned her head towards him, and felt him analyse her face for a fleeting moment before continuing. “For your own sake, I would advise you to learn your place.”

Y/N’s brows only furrowed at his words, lips pursed into a thin line. She was so, so confused at his sudden coldness and strange attitude. What the hell had she done to provoke this? She studied his expression for a long moment and then, unable to read his thoughts, Y/N turned back towards the door and began walking briskly towards it.

“And don’t roll your eyes!” He called after her.

Had she rolled her eyes? She wasn’t sure.

Annoyed at his behaviour, Y/N only muttered, “see you on Monday, Dr Barnes”, and stalked out of the lecture hall without waiting for a response. She let the door slam shut behind her.

Wanda was waiting just outside, leaning on the wall with her bag slung over her shoulder and scrolling through something on her phone. At the sudden sound, she looked up and slid the phone into the pocket of her jeans.

“What was his problem?” She asked in bewilderment. “I’ve never seen him so pissed off.”

Y/N only sighed as they both turned towards the main exit. The corridors had grown deserted, and neither of them felt like going to the library after that, whatever that even was.

“I don’t know. He usually answers my emails the same day and is always like ‘come to me with any questions or problems, I’ll be happy to help’. What a load of shit.” Y/N snorted. “The whole time he spent being a dickhead, he could have spent answering the question from my email. I didn’t ask for papers or resources. I asked a simple yes or no question. That’s all.”

Her friend smiled sadly in her direction, then furrowed her brows when she remembered something. “Didn’t he - just a few days ago - tell you your paper was publication worthy and offer you a place as his research assistant?”

Y/N nodded, honestly unable to believe it now. He was so cheerful that day, radiating kindness and enthusiasm, praising her work until her cheeks grew red. Whatever happened to the Dr Barnes she was so fond of?

“Not only that. He also offered me a ride home the other day. I ran into him after leaving the library at like 11pm. What a weird guy.”

The brunette clapped her on the back, a small comforting gesture as they made their way through the large revolving doors and finally stepped outside.

“If I were you, I’d report him to the Dean. That shit was nothing short of unprofessional. I can’t believe he cussed you out like that.”

The afternoon September sun shone down on them as they took their usual shortcut through the parking lot, then turned left onto the main road towards their apartment. It was only a ten minute walk and Y/N was thankful for the fresh breath of air after what happened in the lecture hall.

Wanda suddenly had an idea. “It’s a Friday. We should go out and grab a drink or two. God knows you need it after that shit show.”

Y/N laughed at her statement but couldn’t bring herself to disagree. Now that she was no longer going to the library - too angered by Dr Barnes to even contemplate the work she had yet to do for him - Y/N was happy to have someone else make her evening plans for her. A few drinks with Wanda were always a good idea, and with the new semester recently starting, they had hardly had a chance to sit down and catch up.

Upon getting back to their shared apartment, Y/N spent some time alone in her room before she needed to start getting ready. She lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling with a cushion pressed to her chest, almost vibrating with rage at Dr Barnes’ attitude. She wanted to know what the hell she had done to provoke him like that.

Y/N considered everything that had happened each time she had seen him over the previous few days. She had visited him in his office on Monday to discuss some minor changes she wished to make to her thesis proposal; something about the wording of the questions she would ask her research participants. It was nothing that could have sparked any sort of unpleasant emotions; it was bland. Dr Barnes spent twenty minutes giving her some counsel, and at the end, he told her not to worry. He said she was on track to an amazing grade with the work she had already put in and that she should just relax for a little while.

“Speaking of great work,” he then added, reaching behind him and flicking through some papers on his desk until he pulled out the one he was looking for. He was sitting on the edge of the table, Y/N occupying the chair opposite his desk, only a few feet away.

He handed her the stapled pages. “Congratulations on scoring the highest grade I have ever given on this assignment. It was a great read, even publication worthy. Not something undergrad students get told often.”

Y/N raised her brows in surprise, honestly not expecting the high praise. She smiled and thanked him politely, tucking the pages into her bag.

“You know, I’m currently working on a few research papers and I’m looking for some help with things like literature reviews, gathering data and helping with analysis. It’s a paid opportunity and it always looks great on grad school applications, if it’s something you’d consider.”

Y/N almost jumped with excitement.

“Really? That would be amazing!” She was biting her lip, eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.

Dr Barnes expelled a satisfied little laugh, pleased with her response and eagerness. He held out his hand and offered a little shake to mark a deal well struck.

Y/N accepted it gladly, her own hand tiny in his own. It lasted a second, then it was done, and Dr Barnes was announcing he had to get going to his next class.

Y/N left his office just moments later.

She ran into him again the same evening, just as she was leaving the library some time right before midnight. He was leaving for home, having stayed behind to catch up on admin work, and he had a mug of coffee in his hand despite the late hour. They made small talk for a brief moment on the steps leading up to the main entrance of the building and he asked if she needed a ride home. Y/N declined, explaining that she only lived a ten minute walk away, five if she took the shortcut through the parking lot.

On Wednesday she had sent her email, and on Friday came the lecture. As far as she was concerned, Y/N had done absolutely nothing that could have provoked his bitterness and hostility. Defeated, she got up from her bed and headed for the shower, eager to wash away the anger she felt.

They left their apartment just after 8pm and walked the short distance to the best bar on campus. It was a stereotypically Irish establishment, Guinness flowing from taps, all sticky wooden furniture and rowdy middle aged men mingling with students on a typical Friday night.

Y/N bought the first round of drinks, both her and Wanda deciding to start the night off right with some shots. These were soon followed with glasses of rum and coke, then pints of Guinness with blackcurrant cordial. The alcohol quickly began to flow, and the conversation with it.

They sat at a tall round table near the back, soon having to scream at each other in order to be heard over the shouts directed at the rugby game playing on the large flat screen TV by the bar. It wasn’t long before Y/N began to forget all about her unpleasant experience earlier in the afternoon, every gulp of alcohol making her stress and anger melt away just a little bit more.

“You can’t text him,” Y/N warned, her face scrunching up in disgust. “You’ve broken up with him for a reason. Even the best sex isn’t worth it and both you and I know that it wasn’t even mediocre!”

Wanda only laughed and protested by shaking her head vigorously. She was drunk, closer to plastered. “No! It’s worth it, I swear. It won’t mean a thing!”

Y/N giggled at her argument and looked down suddenly when the screen of Wanda’s phone lit up on top of the table between them. Wanda hurried to cover the screen.

“You’ve already texted him, haven’t you?”

The brunette only smiled and shrugged her shoulders sheepishly.

“He’s meeting us here literally any minute and if all goes well, the sex I get tonight will be mediocre and I’ll have no hangover in the morning.”

“Easier said than done,” Y/N told her solemnly, and rolled her eyes at Wanda’s typical drunken antics. She had a string of lousy ex-boyfriends and a tendency to text them at random the second she felt the familiar buzz of alcohol. Fighting with her about it was just about pointless.

“Great, just who I want to see tonight!” Y/N sighed in defeat. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be right back. I need to use the bathroom.”

Wanda grinned from ear to ear, almost apologetically as Y/N slid from the wooden stool and pulled her skirt down to cover more skin. She turned in the general direction of the bathrooms and waited in line for just under a minute before finally stepping inside. She did her business, washed her hands and fixed her hair. By the time she existed the tiny bathroom, Wanda’s ex had already arrived and made himself comfortable in Y/N’s stool. Feeling her annoyance rising, Y/N decided to opt for the bar instead.

She approached it slowly and awaited her turn to order. The bar was a long, rounded plank of wood with a chandelier made of at least a hundred wine glasses hanging just over it. There was just the one bartender and he was laughing at something one of the customers had said. By the time he got around to taking her order, over five minutes had passed and when Y/N looked over her shoulder to her and Wanda’s table she found it empty. Her eyes quickly darted to the door and she watched in disbelief as Wanda practically dragged her toy for the night out of the bar and probably towards his car.

Just as the door slammed shut behind them, the bartender placed Y/N’s drink in front of her.

With no where to go and a whole pint before her, Y/N slid onto a nearby bar stool and exhaled sharply in what felt like a combination of annoyance but also amusement. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and realised she had a text from Wanda.

“Sorry for ditching but there was an emergency. Don’t wait up xx”.

Y/N knew exactly what kind of an emergency Wanda meant.

The bartender was just beginning to walk away when Y/N called after him. “Do you mind also giving me a shot of vodka?” She smiled at him sweetly and he expelled a little laugh.

“Tough night?” He questioned, kindness in his eyes.

“Tough everything,” Y/N answered, and tore her gaze away from the man in front of her when someone slid into the empty bar stool to her left. She studied him from the waist up; black jeans, a brown leather jacket, a dark beard and… no fucking way.

“Make that two shots and a pint of whatever beer you’ve got on tap.” Dr Barnes thanked the bartender and waited until the guy had walked away before he turned his gaze towards Y/N.

“What a splendid coincidence.” Y/N’s tone was all sarcasm, fuelled by her anger at him and inflamed by the alcohol in her system. Something about it made her inhibitions go out the freaking window, all politeness and respect forgotten, replaced by bitterness and hostility. She took a big gulp of her beer.

“If you must know, I noticed you when you came out of the bathroom and I thought I’d come over and apologise for earlier,” he stated calmly, clearly holding his alcohol better than she was. Y/N was certain she didn’t see him enter through the front door, which likely meant he had arrived before her and Wanda, sitting somewhere in one of the booths in the back. He’d been there a while.

Y/N turned her head and looked at him expectantly, one eyebrow raised. “That’s funny. Thought the advise was that I learn my place.”

“I shouldn’t have said that to you,” Dr Barnes answered apologetically, all calm and professional, his normal pleasant self. “I was in a bad mood and I took it out on you. Like I said, I’m sorry and I hope we can move past it.”

He awaited her response, watching as she tilted her head back and took three large gulps of her drink. She plainly did it to buy herself more time to compose a response. She wasn’t sure whether she should accept the apology so easily, and the buzz in her head wasn’t helping the situation.

So, instead of giving him the response he was looking for, she turned to him and asked, “why were you in a bad mood?”

Dr Barnes looked away at her question, lifting his head to regard the chandelier above their heads, all dusty wine glasses, twinkling with a warm orange glow. He didn’t say anything until the bartender placed their shots in front of them and grabbed a glass for the beer.

“I, uh…” Dr Barnes looked a little lost for words and Y/N’s watchful eyes on him weren’t exactly helping. “My wife and I aren’t in the best place right now.”

Y/N snorted at that. “Your wife pissed you off so you decided to take it out on a random student? Real professional, Dr Barnes.”

He didn’t respond, only brought his shot glass to his lips and tilted his head back. Dr Barnes was not quite as sober as she had initially thought. The guy was just better at covering up his cloudy thoughts and keeping his snarky comments to himself; something Y/N definitely tended to struggle with. So, when he chuckled at his own misfortune, Y/N shot him an expectant look.

“I… Well, I wouldn’t say random, but yeah, you’re right. Dick move.”

Y/N eyed him with suspicion and waited as the bartender set the beer down and Dr Barnes handed him some cash in exchange. He stalked off towards another customer.

“What do you mean?”

Dr Barnes turned in his stool to face her. With his elbow resting on the bar next to him, thick thighs spread apart and his usually bright eyes hazy with the effects of alcohol, Y/N almost gulped at the sight. There was something very different about him outside the lecture hall. The guy dripped with testosterone and Y/N cursed her drunken self for having these thoughts about him.

The corner of his lips curved up into an amused smile. He considered his words for a brief moment, then shook his head and sighed. “Let’s just say my wife isn’t your biggest fan.”

Y/N’s brows knitted together. “I’ve never even met your wife.”

“You haven’t,” Dr Barnes agreed, then paused to take a long drink of his beer. He licked off the foam that attached itself to the hair above his top lip. The entire time his dark gaze remained trained on her face, weighing his next words. “That doesn’t mean she hasn’t heard of you… or seen you, for that matter.”

Y/N regarded him in confusion, and he took a moment to scan her expression before elaborating further.

“She’s jealous of you,” he explained, and Y/N could only stare at him blankly. This wasn’t making any sense. “Which is why she stormed out of here the second she spotted you.”

“Why on earth would she be jealous? We’ve not done anything… y’know?”

He took another gulp. “You haven’t. What I’ve done is a different story. I’m not exactly great at covering my tracks.”

When Y/N didn’t respond, he continued. It appeared Dr Barnes had no filter tonight, his words escaping his mouth with not a second committed to acknowledge their possible consequences.

“You should consider making your social media accounts private with the sort of things you post. You never know who can find it.”

Was he… stalking her? Y/N’s mind wondered back to her most recent online activity. There was a picture of her childhood dog, a few photos from a trip she took with her family and… significantly more racy lingerie pictures, photos from messy outings with her friends, and late night Twitter musings about all things sex. To any outsider, the whole thing painted a very interesting picture of the kind of person she was.

Her cheeks flushed red.

“Needless to say, she wasn’t impressed when she unlocked my phone to see you in nothing but your little baby pink set.” He took a long drink of his beer, eyes fixated on her reddening cheeks. His eyes were dark, unreadable.

Y/N couldn’t tell if he was scorning or taunting her. Nor did she know what to say, or even what to think. Her lips parted at his honesty about recent events, and she shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. He was gauging her reaction to his bold words and the sinister implication of what he was really doing looking at her photos. His words brought forth a mix of images to Y/N’s mind that she feebly attempted to push away, something inside of her stirring at the thought. This was bad.

“I thought I had gotten away with it when I made up some lie about how your page was recommended to me by the algorithm, and how I went onto it out of curiosity. How I was shocked with what came up.” He laughed again, a disbelieving little chuckle at his own stupidity, it would seem.

He went on. “Everything was fine for a little while, apart from her suspicion, of course. But all hell broke loose when she woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of me grunting a name that wasn’t hers, my phone in one hand and my cock in the other.”

Y/N stared at him in disbelief, suddenly sobering up at his revelation. She couldn’t believe what was happening, what she was hearing. To her dismay, her body was quicker to respond to the information than her mind, her thighs clenching together at the thought of him him doing that while thinking about her.

“She connected the dots… Me mentioning your name in passing, hiring a new research assistant. She knew my intentions right away.”

Y/N cleared her throat. “Your intentions?”

Dr Barnes smiled, an ominous little smile which hid some deeper meaning. “Don’t act so surprised. I don’t just offer rides home to any student, or try to get alone with them whenever I can. You drive me fucking crazy but you’re so clueless about it. It almost makes the whole thing worse.”

Y/N knew it was the alcohol talking; that these words would never have been uttered had he been sober, but somehow, the detail did not change a thing. Drunk or sober, he said what he said, and Y/N knew that he was not lying about it. He had no reason to.

“Even right now,” he began again, regarding her body in a way which made goosebumps rise on her skin. She felt naked under his gaze, his dark eyes drinking in the sight of the valley between her breasts, then the curve of her hips, and smirking knowingly when his eyes fell upon her clenched thighs.

“Or maybe you’re not as clueless as you seem. Maybe you’re just toying with me to taunt me.”

“Taunt you?”

Dr Barnes laughed quietly and finished the last of his beer, setting the glass down on the bar a bit too roughly. Y/N regarded the wedding band on his finger, feeling a perverse combination of guilt and arousal.

He continued. “If you wanted to get fucked by your lecturer, you would have done something about it by now. But no, I think you just like to torture me. You give me just enough to make me think you want it… a smile here, a visit to my office there, a coffee waiting for me on my desk or your bedroom eyes whenever we make eye contact in the lecture hall. It’s fucking infuriating.”

It was Y/N’s turn to pick up her shot glass and down the contents. She didn’t even flinch at the burn in her throat.

“I’d be furious if I found out my wife had a sliver of the thoughts I have of you about some other guy. I’m pathetic and she knows it. She met me here today to tell me she’s done.”

Y/N tried to look sorry for him, she really did, but no matter how hard she tried to alter her facial expression, the one that appeared was not remorseful. His wife had done nothing wrong; she just picked up her dignity and self-respect, and did the right thing for her. Y/N knew that had she been in her shoes, she’d probably do the same.

Dr Barnes’ behaviour was distasteful, to say the least. It was shameless, shocking and vulgar. And whilst Y/N completely realised the severity of his choices and the revolting thing he had done to some poor woman - his freaking wife - the fact did nothing to cease the budding yearning for him at his revelations. The imagery was just too vivid.

He sighed in exasperation as he slid off his stool. “I’m gonna head off and hope one of my mates lets me crash on their couch. I’ll see you on Monday, Miss Y/L/N.”

He dusted off his jeans and made sure he had his phone and wallet before he stalked off in the direction of the door. Y/N remained where she was and motioned the bartender over.

“Another shot of vodka, please.”

With how quiet the bar had become, it took the bartender less than twenty seconds to set another shot glass in front of her. He smiled kindly at her again, almost empathetically and Y/N wondered if he knew; the guy just looked like he did.

She muttered a quick, “thank you”, tapped her bank card on the reader and threw her head back, downing her shot. Then, on a sudden whim that Y/N had no time to tame, she gathered herself up and followed Dr Barnes out through the exit, hoping to God that he was still nearby.

The old wooden floor creaked under her boots as she trudged towards the exit, and when she finally got outside, she instantly wrapped her arms around herself at the sudden chill.

It was almost midnight, the night dark and moonless. She stopped just outside the door to the bar and glanced around her. The street had a number of different bars and clubs, some of them bursting with people, most of them close to deserted. The street itself was relatively quiet, the old cobble road littered with parked cars, beer bottles and the smell of smoke.

To her left, two girls stood talking until a large navy car pulled up and they got inside, shutting the door behind them.

To her right, stood Dr Barnes, just beneath the flickering neon sign with the bar’s name, a cigarette dangling from the unsmiling corner of his mouth. His phone was pressed to his ear.

“Thanks, pal. I’ll be there within the hour,” he told the person on the line, took the cigarette out from between his lips and tapped off the ash. He was just hanging up when his eyes met Y/N’s.

No words were said. A long moment passed before either of them moved, their eyes regarding each others’ expressions, searching for clues about thoughts or feelings. It felt as though the air itself was holding its breath and when Dr Barnes reached up and took a long drag of his cigarette, something inside of Y/N simply snapped.

She watched as he dropped the butt of his smoke onto the cobblestones beneath his feet and put out the flame with the sole of his shoe. He was looking down and when his eyes lifted again - all dark and hazy with the effects of alcohol and craving - Y/N knew there was no turning back.

Incited by her own drunkenness and the wicked and depravity of the images his words had placed in her head, Y/N inhaled sharply before beginning her descent towards him.

Dr Barnes narrowed his eyes at the sudden determination in her step, but didn’t protest when her fingers hooked around the collar of his jacket and pulled him down firmly towards her. Lips met, the kiss all teeth and growls, and Y/N hissed when his fingers tangled in her hair and yanked her head back. He deepened the kiss with fervency, hands groping at each other’s bodies with urgent desperation.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered into the kiss, dizzy and out of breath.

Y/N dug her fingernails into his shoulders when he harshly pulled her against him. She was trapped between his frenzied arms and heaving chest, a big wall of muscle that made the unholy images in her head descend into perversion. There was something so erotic about the way he desperately craved to make her crumble in his arms, his grip strong and brutal, almost murderous. Y/N whined at the feeling, having never experienced something so raw before. Dr Barnes was not some random college guy, selfish and eager for an instantaneous release.

No. Dr Barnes was a man. Experienced and sensual, lustful and dripping with the purest form of eroticism, Dr Barnes was masculine and powerful, authoritative and forceful. It was a lethal combination which made Y/N’s breath catch in her throat and her hands itch for more of him.

He almost dragged her away from the entrance to the bar and towards the dark alley situated just next to it. Mouths never leaving each other, Dr Barnes was ruthless with the sheer force of his hold on her and she cried out when he drove her back against the stone wall of the building.

The shadows of the alley shielded them from the eyes of anyone leaving the bar or passing by, but the groans and grunts were a dead giveaway that the dark passageway was not unoccupied. Y/N should have paid more attention to how dangerous this was, how fucking awkward it would be if someone she knew caught her like this with her professor. But when he pinned her against the wall, wedged a muscular thigh between her own legs and harshly grabbed her face in his hand, all reservations and hesitancy melted away from her skin.

All that existed was him, his hands holding her in place and touching her everywhere. No inch of skin was spared in his frantic exploration, the short skirt she wore providing access to all the different places he had imagined squeezing and licking and burying his face in. Groping her ass roughly under her skirt, Dr Barnes did not waste any time before forcefully tilting her head to the side and placing his mouth on her neck. It was all tongue and teeth, his hand still holding her face in place and when he was satisfied that she wouldn’t move, his digits skimmed her collarbone and hooked around the low-cut top of her dress. The stretch of the fabric and the lack of bra allowed him to yank the material down from over her breasts, exposing her.

Y/N felt herself gasp, unsure if it was in response to the chilly night air hitting her already hardening nipples, or the feeling of him roughly grabbing the back of her thighs and hoisting her up, back scraping painfully against the wall. He held her there, pinned to the cold surface, and she felt her breathing accelerate when his lips moved hurriedly from her neck, to her collarbone and finally wrapped around a stiff nipple. His mouth was warm, wet and hungry and it made her insides clench with need. A moment later, when he let go of her slightly and she slid down the wall to land on his thigh, still wedged between her legs, she cried out at the pressure it placed on her clit.

“James.” His name fell from her lips along with a feeble exhalation, her eyes screwed shut at the intensity of the feeling. He released her nipple with a wet pop, the skin glistening with saliva, red from the assault. Her feet barely reaching the ground, Y/N did her best to raise her hips and then slam herself down onto his thigh again, grinding on it with determination until he noticed and pressed it harder to her crotch. He aided her in massaging her little bundle of nerves on the rough fabric by gripping her hips and guiding her movements until the friction made her skin raw.

“Too much,” she whimpered breathlessly, and Dr Barnes paused for just a second to gauge her expression. His lips were red, swollen, glistening from the kiss and just like her, he struggled for air. His eyes held a certain wildness to them, a determination and desperation that Y/N had never seen before. He reached down and maintained eye contact as he undid his belt, the button of his jeans and pulled the zipper down. Then, when Y/N realised what was coming, he pinned her to the wall harder than before, cupped the back of her left thigh and lifted it to his hip.

His other hand, frantic, pulled himself out of his jeans and boxers and expertly moved Y/N’s underwear aside under the fabric of her dress. Nails digging into his shoulders and a gasp was the only response he needed when he forcefully drove himself past her lips and entered her until he was fully sheathed inside her cunt. He groaned out at the feeling and his name fell in a breathless whisper from her lips again.

It was rough, shameless and fierce, his hips snapping to meet her own whilst a thin layer of perspiration built up on their skin. Y/N wanted to encourage him, she truly did, but amidst the wild thoughts that this was her professor - a man she was supposed to respect, be courteous towards and above all platonic - she found she didn’t know what to do or say. Her boldness ran out the second she grabbed him by the collar and kissed him, and since that moment, he had complete control.

And so, unable to form any words, Y/N simply moaned at the feeling of him taking exactly what he wanted, furiously slamming himself into her with so much force her legs shook and the skin of her back screamed from the scratches the wall had given her. For him, it was encouragement enough, the little sounds spurring him on further until he was burying his face in her neck and grunting her name, just the way he had when his wife caught him with his cock in his hand.

Y/N only briefly managed to catch her breath before she saw Dr Barnes reaching up and pushing his index and middle fingers past his lips, wetting them generously before finally reaching between them and beginning to skilfully massage her clit. His touch was hard, applying just the right amount of pressure and massaging it in perfect little circles. The combination of being filled up so completely, his thick shaft stretching her in the most blissful of ways, and his fingers working so gracefully against her clit, soon resulted in her feeling the familiar heat in her lower abdomen.

He finished first, his cock pulsating and throbbing inside of her until he filled her up with his load, the feeling enough to push her over the edge and bite into his shoulder at the intensity of it all. Her walls clenched around him sweetly, and he continued to thrust all the way through his and her combined orgasms until both of them were spent.

He pulled out gently and Y/N slumped against the wall, her legs barely able to hold up her weight. She watched with clouded and blurred vision as he stepped back and pulled his trousers back up, quickly buttoning them and fixing his belt. Just like that, it was done. No feelings, no warmth, just the satisfaction of a quick, hard fuck.

Y/N was breathless, her clit still pulsating from her orgasm but the reality of it all quickly beginning to settle in.

“I, uh… I should probably get going,” she told him calmly, almost awkwardly, shifting her weight from one leg to the other when she felt his cum trickling out of her. Her fingers fumbled with the top of her dress, clumsily tucking her tits away.

He regarded her expression for a brief moment; the reddened cheeks, messy hair and the way she was biting her lip, all disheveled and shy, clueless with what to do next. How do you proceed with life after you’ve just gotten fucked by your professor behind an on-campus bar? The question hung heavily in the air until she noticed him take pity on her predicament and took a step closer.

She stayed unmoving as he hooked his fingers around the bottom of her skirt and fixed it so that everything was covered once again. Then, gently, he reached up and cupped her face in his hands, her back still pressed to the wall. She almost shivered, the adrenaline dropping, the stone feeling so much colder than it had been before.

“Don’t worry about this. Everything’s going to be alright,” he reassured her, and placed a long kiss to her forehead. “It can be our little secret.”

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jerzwriter · 2 years

Text

His and Hers

Book: Open Heart (Post Series)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Casey MacTavish)

Rating: Teen

Category: Fluff

Summary: Unbeknownst to Ethan, or anyone else, Casey had a short stint as a model when she was a senior at NYU. It was the perfect way to make a little extra money to pay off her student debt. What happens when someone leaves a magazine with a bikini-clad Casey on Ethan’s desk?

Warnings: None

A/N: Hi! This started as just the magazine covers for MC Monday, but it morphed into a mini-fic, so I’m posting that here. As you’ve already been tagged in the MC Monday reblog, I am not tagging anyone. This is just a fun little piece. I hope you enjoy it.

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS

If you wish to be added or removed from tags, please let me know. Comments and reblogs are always appreciated. 😊

When Casey was 22, she was a senior at New York University getting ready to head to the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. Not from a wealthy family, she was already saddled with debt and in order to achieve her dream of being a physician, she was about to take on at least four times more.

One day, while studying with friends at Washington Square Park, she was scouted by a modeling agent. She told her that she was not interested. She was heading to med school in the fall and had no time for modeling. But the agent was persistent, telling her that just a few gigs could likely pay for a decent chunk of her student debt. Enticed Casey took her card.

She did her research and found out it was a legitimate agency, IMC Agency, one of the biggest and most successful agencies in the world. They agreed to let her sign a short time contract allowing her to attend med school in the fall. In just a few months, she managed to get a ton of catalog work, a few magazine shoots, and the biggest coup of all, she landed the cover of Sport Illustrations annual swimsuit edition.

Some people that knew her called this into question, given that she is an ardent feminist. But she was steadfast in her belief that there was nothing wrong with women embracing their appearance and sexuality; her problem was with the media, mostly run by men, controlling the women and the narrative. This was her body, she was in control of it, and she controlled her narrative, no one else. She had veto power over photos and would not pose for anything she found inappropriate. And with just one summer’s worth of work, a year of med school, and a chunk of her undergrad loans were paid off. She has zero regrets, in fact, she was proud of what she accomplished.

That said, she never announced it, not out of shame or embarrassment, but med school and her residency were grueling, and that just wasn't her life anymore. She and Ethan were finally together, and her life revolved around her work and their future plans. She had never been happier.

Not everyone was happy when Ethan and Casey went public. Long believed to be a confirmed bachelor, the legion of people who had long held massive crushes were saddened at the news. Most moved on, but others were quite bitter and had it out for Casey. One day, a nurse who was particularly sour uncovered Casey's modeling past, in particular the swimsuit issue, and hunted down a copy. She saw to it that it was left on Ethan's desk, mixed in with his daily folders.

Ethan sat down at his desk with his freshly brewed cup of coffee. He had a slow workload today, an amazing rarity, and he was looking forward to a relatively relaxed day. After lifting the third folder from the pile, the magazine cover jumped out at him. His eyes bulged, his heart nearly stopped, and he spit the coffee out of his mouth, landing everywhere around him.

He stood up, holding the magazine in his hands at arm's length, and paced the floor frantically for a good ten minutes. He was convinced Casey had a doppelgänger, that was the only plausible excuse. He opened the magazine turned to the pictorial inside.

“NYU Senior Casey MacTavish hits the shores of….”

I’m having palpitations. I need water. I need to sit down.

“Hey Boss, I got the results on Mr. Daly, I think we’re looking at…”

Ethan shoved the magazine behind his back. But Tobias knew his boss and old friend too well. One look at him, and he already knew that something was up.

“OK, what gives.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What are you hiding. Hand it over.”

“Absolutely not.”

After a little bit of wrangling, Ethan sighed, “Fine! But this stays between us.”

Tobias’s grabbed the magazine and his eyes popped out of his skull.

“Holy shit! Is this one of those mock-ups? Did she have this made for you?”

“No! She was the Sport Illustrator cover model for their 2014 swimsuit issue.”

Tobias let out a slow whistle.

"TOBIAS!"

"Look, Ethan, I mean no disrespect. But, Jesus, you hit the goddamn jackpot with her. If you ever screw this up, I will personally kick your ass.”

“I’m not screwing anything up, but I can’t believe she did this….”

“Did what?” Casey asked walking in the door.

“And that’s my cue to leave,” Tobias saluted as he rushed out the door.

“Ethan, what have you got behind your back.”

He strolled quietly to the door and locked it shut. “I don’t know,” he said handing her the magazine. “Why don’t you tell me.”

Now it was Casey’s turn to have her eyes attempt to escape their sockets, not because she was shocked to learn of the magazine's existence, but because she hadn’t even thought of it in years. Plus, how did it get here?

“Where did this come from?”

“It was mixed in with today’s files?”

“What? Well, something like this just doesn’t show up there, someone did this on purpose!”

“Why would anyone do that?”

Casey shrugged. “They probably wanted to get you mad at me. Not everyone is happy that we're together, you know. But...you’re… you’re not, are you? You’re not mad at me?”

“I’m… I’m kind of shocked. And wondering why you didn’t tell me, but … no. No, I’m not mad. But, can you tell me...why, how… when…”

“Why don't we sit down.”

She explained how it came to be, why she did it, what her feelings were about it. She never told him because honestly, it was such a forgotten part of her life, she didn’t even give it thought.

“So, are you upset?”

“No,” he smiled rubbing his cheek. “But, Tobias is right.”

“About what?”

“I did hit the jackpot.”

She fell into his arms and embraced him.

Ethan picked up the magazine and smiled.

“Do you… do you think I can get more of these?” he asked.

“Why?” Casey asked scrunching her nose.

“Because I am going to need to frame at least two. For home, of course, not for work.”

“We can put it right next to your magazine cover,” she smiled.

“JAMA?!”

“No, silly, the nee one!”

“Hmm. It’s a little different, than yours.”

"Perhaps, but you still look sexy as hell. So, I say we do it.”

“If you insist,” He smiled.

“But I have a request.”

“Anything.”

“I want to show whoever did this that they accomplished nothing. So, can we have a little PDA at work today?”

“You can have a lot more than a little. Can I grab your ass in the hall?”

“That may be a little much.”

“OK, I’ll save it for Donahue’s after work.”

Casey giggled as they headed out the door, arm in arm. “Oh, Ethan?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Tag lists were tagged under MC Monday - which is more or less the same fic.

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

#open heart fanfic #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #choices fanfic #choices fic writers creations #cfwc fics of the week #tobias carrick

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moon-light-jukebox · 4 years

Text

Learning Styles - [Reid x Reader]

Summary: Reader has worked hard to get to the FBI, but a misunderstanding has her feeling insecure.

Pairing: Spencer Reid / Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Genre: Fluff

Rating: PG

Content Warning: Mention of normal criminal minds stuff briefly.

A/n: I got these two requests and they were so similar I decided to combine them. I hope that’s okay, but I feel like the stories would have been almost identical.

Requests: - I have a fic suggestion. Reader pretends to be dumb but is actually really smart. I’m thinking of that quote about marilyn ”you have to be really smart to pretend to be dumb”. One day spencer realizes that reader is smarter than she lets people know.

- Hi! Can I request a spencer reid x reader fic where reader isn't great with numbers but brilliant with behaviour and humanities (i.e. literature, history, sociology, up to you)? Maybe a dash of insecurity to spice things up?

-- Learning Styles --

My favorite professor in college told me that everyone learns differently; what works for one person won’t work in the same way for another. We are all different human beings that are shaped in different ways.

I had always been oddly insecure about my intelligence level. One of my earliest memories was my mother yelling at me while I sat at the kitchen table when I was in first grade. I was the only kid in my class who still hadn’t learned how to read. I just didn’t understand. All of my friends were progressing so much quicker than me and my mother was losing patience.

It wasn’t until my grandmother stepped in that everything changed. My elementary school teacher was training children to read by memorizing sight words, a concept I didn’t understand. When my grandmother sat down and taught me phonics. I distinctly remember everything snapping into place.

I was in 1st grade and reading at a 7th-grade level by Christmas. Once I finally understood my learning style, I really began to thrive.

But no matter what I did, I could still hear my mother yelling at me, telling me I was stupid.

In my line of work, I see just how much the throw away comments that parents make can shape a child’s development. Luckily, those comments just made me a bit insecure, not a murderer.

Up until I was 22, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do beyond this desire I had to help people. SSA David Rossi had come to guest lecture in one of my abnormal psych classes during undergrad. After I heard him speak, I was done. I couldn’t have done anything else with my life. I had obtained my master’s in psychology before I joined the FBI.

It took some time, but I was finally assigned to the Behavioral Analysis Unit at Quantico. I was so excited on my first day that I remember my hands physically shaking.

Until they weren’t.

I can still remember my first day so clearly. SSA Hotchner had introduced me to the team, saving the “best” for last.

“And this is Dr. Spencer Reid,” he had said. “He’s our expert on…well, everything.”

Reid was my age and he had his Ph.D. I remember feeling awed by him.

Until I didn’t.

"I hold 3 Ph.D.'s in Chemistry, Engineering, and Mathematics. I also have BAs in psychology and sociology."

I remember my jaw almost hitting the floor. While I was impressed by him, I wasn’t insecure about my place on the team.

Until I was.

My grandmother may have helped me master reading, which opened the door to me mastering anything else I put my mind to…except math.

I was fine at statistics, luckily. You couldn’t get a psych degree without a ton of statistics work. But statistics was different, I could see the practical use of statistics. I just couldn’t wrap my head around calculus or algebra.

On my first case with the team, Reid had calculated some insane mathematical equations on the whiteboard, running down the probabilities and applying a mathematical formula to the unsub’s behavior.

It wasn't until later, after the case was solved when I was standing in front of the whiteboard that my confidence was hit. Reid had come into the room and saw me looking at his work.

“Don’t bother trying to understand it,” he had said. “You’d have to be a genius to understand what I do.”

I didn’t have a word to describe the feeling that settled in my stomach at his words, I wasn’t sure such a word existed. The feeling was cold and heavy, but also made my body burn with shame.

I had just offered him a tight smile before I left the room.

On the plane home I had made a decision. I was no match for Dr. Reid, I doubt anyone was. So, I would take myself out of the competition. I couldn’t get hurt if I wasn’t playing the game.

And that is how the next year of my life went. I allowed Dr. Reid to explain things to me that I was an expert in, never saying a word. I acted like I didn't understand concepts that I had written papers on. The only thing I didn't dumb down was my profiling skills. Those were necessary for my job and for saving lives.

I don’t think anyone realized what I was doing.

Until they did.

The team had been called to Colorado to assist in capturing a serial rapist.

All of our cases bothered me, every last one…but something about ones with this vile element really struck me.

We had the unsub’s name, Tyler Childress. He had spent time in prison for sexual assault and burglary. It seems while he was in prison, he spent time perfecting his methods; it was only by pure luck that we found his fingerprint inside the victim’s house, making him the main suspect.

When we paid Mr. Childress a visit, he had managed to get the drop on Prentiss and Morgan, allowing them to escape. Morgan was furious.

All of us were sitting around a conference table in the local prescient while we let Dr. Reid talk.

I was trying to be calm, I was, but my nails were digging into my palm so deeply I was worried I was about to draw blood.

“Guys,” the expert on everything said. “He has to have some sort of accomplice.”

Rossi just sighed. “But the profile doesn’t point to him being the sort to do well with others; he’s a narcissist.”

Reid wouldn’t budge. “I know that, but he isn’t intelligent enough to pull this off alone. He’s just not. He had an IQ test done when he was 20. He scored in the mentally handicapped range. I’m telling you he has to have help.”

“Are you sure, Reid?” Hotch asked.

“Positive. I have his results right here.”

“IQ tests aren’t a good measure of intelligence on their own.”

I was so startled that someone had contradicted Dr. Reid that it took me a second to realize it was me who had contradicted him.

He turned to face me; his brown eyes wide. “What?”

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. “IQ tests aren’t a good measure of intelligence.”

Dr. Reid laughed. He laughed at me like my comment was funny. “I don’t know where you heard that,” he began.

But I interrupted him. "IQ tests are classist and oftentimes racist. The man who invented the IQ test never intended for it to be used as a complete measure of intelligence. He regretted making the test.”

Reid sputtered. “You…it’s not racist!”

“Yes. It. Is.” I ground out. “If it wasn’t it wouldn’t be illegal to administer an IQ test to a black child in the state of California.”

"Wait, it's illegal to do that?" JJ asked, her brows drawn together.

"Yes. There was a court case in the 1970s over it. Teachers were using tests to separate white children from black children. The black children were put into special education classes they didn’t need to be in. Just because the teachers didn’t want those children in their classrooms.”

I should have stopped, but I was on a role. “They’re also inherently classist. How can you expect a child to answer a question about Romeo and Juliet if they haven’t heard of it?”

That had Dr. Reid scoffing. “Everyone has heard of it.”

I shot to my feet, unable to hold back anymore. “No, they haven’t. Children in underfunded schools that don’t have access to resources might not have heard about the most famous play in history because their school wasn’t able to provide the materials to teach them about it. There was a study done in a remote part of Russia right after the IQ test was invented. Every. Single. Person. Scored in the mentally handicapped range. Because they didn’t understand.”

I knew my voice was rising but I couldn’t stop myself. “Once the researcher took the questions and applied them to things they understood, they all scored as above average. They didn’t understand math as an abstract concept, but they understood it when it was applied to their businesses, to something they actually knew about.”

I cleared my throat. “The test isn’t fair, it’s not equal. Tyler Childress didn’t go to a good school and he didn’t have a stable home life. You can’t use one measure to calculate his intelligence. He’s gotten away with 7 assaults so far that we know of. He’s not stupid.”

The entire room was silent once I had stopped speaking. I couldn’t bring myself to regret it though. What kind of person was I if I played dumb because I was afraid of being mocked when a monster was out there attacking women? No, those women deserved to have me at my best.

And I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t give it to them.

Rossi spoke first, his eyes twinkling when he looked at me. “Took you long enough,” he said. “But y/n is right. We trust the profile; we don’t let personal bias cloud the way. That’s how we catch this bastard.”

Later that day, we were cleaning up the conference room while the local police processed Tyler Childress.

Pathological narcissism is a complex disorder, but we followed the profile and Rossi was right. Hotch set up a press conference in which JJ and Prentiss took center stage. They tore Childress’s ego to shreds on live television.

His narcissism wouldn’t allow that to slide. He got angry, he made a mistake, and we got him before anyone else got hurt.

While the cat was out of the bag about my intelligence and that made me nervous, I couldn't regret any of it. I got to be the one to tell our last victim that we got him. I got to hug her while she cried because now that he was locked up, she felt like her healing could begin. I wasn’t sure if my rant about structural racism and the classism of IQ tests actually helped anything, but that didn’t really matter. There was one less monster in the shadows.

Today was a good day.

I was alone in the conference room, untacking photos from the evidence board when I heard someone clear their throat from behind me. I turned my head to meet the wide, honey brown eyes of Dr. Spencer Reid.

Oh boy, I thought. “What’s up, Reid?”

He shifted from foot to foot, his hands twisting in front of him before he crossed his arms over his chest. “I asked Garcia to look into you.”

My eyebrows drew together. “I’m pretty sure any nefarious things I had done would have popped up on my initial background check.”

“Right, I didn’t mean like that,” he mumbled, the apples of his cheeks turning pink. “I asked her to look into you academically.”

Shit.

He went on. “You double majored in psychology and sociology before you got a master’s in cultural psychology. She pulled your thesis. I just read it.”

“I see.” I turned my attention back to the board.

“You also guest lecture on cross-cultural psychology at Georgetown several times a year. And you’ve co-authored two papers since I’ve known you.”

Meh, it’s three. But that doesn’t matter. “Did you read those too?”

I took his silence as confirmation.

He was so quiet I almost thought he had left, but the crackle of energy I felt in the air told me he hadn’t. “Do you need something, Dr. Reid?”

"Why didn't you get your Ph.D.?"

I had answered that question many, many times. “I didn’t need a doctorate to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to waste time. Once I figured out what I wanted, I charged at it.” Which was a far more honest answer than most people got about that from me.

“W-why did you pretend to be dumb?” he rasped out, causing me to look back at him. “32 days ago, you let me explain the long-term effects of gerrymandering and the complex causes of poverty.”

“Of course, I did,” I said, frowning. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“One of the papers you authored was about generational poverty.”

“Just because I know a lot about something doesn’t mean I can stop listening to information. That sort of thinking breeds ignorance.” I smiled, unable to not tease him just a little bit.

Reid took a step closer to me. “You didn’t answer my question.”

I just shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t have a good answer.”

In all the months I had known him, Spencer Reid had never touched me, not even so much as a finger brushing against mine when he handed me something. That fact is why I was so startled when I felt his hand on my upper arm, turning me towards him.

He licked his lips, his eyes darting around. “Did everyone else know?”

I shook my head, my teasing mood long gone. "No. I mean, clearly, Rossi suspected but…No, I didn't tell anyone else."

“I just don’t understand. You’re brilliant.”

I scoffed. “No, I’m not. I’m decent a psychology, sociology, stuff like that. I can’t apply math to behavior to find patterns. I can’t even calculate how much something is gonna cost when it’s on sale without a calculator half the time.”

‘What do you…” Reid trailed off. “Wait. The very first case. You were looking at the evidence board.”

Goddamn eidetic memory.

The boy wonder was on a roll now. “I told you that you’d have to…is that why you didn’t tell me?”

What else could I do? I just nodded.

Those brown eyes closed, and he let out a groan. “I said that because I thought you were going to…I was worried…” He huffed out a breath and opened his eyes. “I wanted you to like me. I didn’t want you to think I was just a nerd.”

Now I was confused. “Why?”

Spencer Reid’s blush went all the way down his neck. “Well…I just…Morgan said I should just talk to you. But I’m not…I’m not good at that. I panic, then I start to ramble. Like I’m doing now…”

“Reid,” I interrupted. “I’m not playing dumb now. I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I like you,” he blurted out right before he smacked both of his hands over his face. “Oh my god. I sound like a child.” I thought I heard him mutter idiot under his breath. “Emily says that my IQ gets slashed to 60 whenever I see a pretty girl.”

Much like that moment all those years ago when I was a child, I felt everything click into place. Oh.

I couldn't suppress my smile any longer. I rose up on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Well, we've already gone over how IQ tests aren't a good measure of overall intelligence."

With that, I quickly stepped away and hurried out of the conference room, leaving a stunned genius in my wake. When I turned back to look at him, I saw his fingers brushing over the place where my lips had just been.

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lochtayboatsong · 3 years

Text

The Jesus Christ Superstar essay absolutely no one asked for.

Last weekend, I watched the pro-shot of the 2012 arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar starring Ben Forster, Tim Minchin, and Melanie C, because it was Easter and it was up on YT for the weekend. I never managed to do my annual listen-through of Leonard Bernstein’s Mass this year, as is my usual Easter tradition, so I figured “Why not watch/listen to this instead?” It was my first time seeing and hearing JCS in full, and Y’ALL, it has been living rent-free in my brain ever since. I have a mighty need to get my thoughts out, so here they are, in chronological order by song.

1) Prologue: I love the way JCS 2012 makes use of the arena video screen. The production design and concept clearly took a lot of inspiration from the “Occupy ______” movement, which makes it feel a bit dated now. But every single production of JCS is a product of its time period, so this is a feature and not a bug.

2) Heaven On Their Minds: This is a straight-up rock song. It wouldn’t be out of place on any rock and roll album released between 1970 and 2021, and it boggles my mind that Webber and Rice were both in their early twenties when they wrote it. Also, the lyric “You’ve begun to matter more than the things you say” hits hard no matter the year.

3) What’s the Buzz: A+ use of the arena screens again, this time bringing in social media to set the tone. Also, this song establishes right from the outset that Jesus is burnt out and T I R E D by this point in the story. Seriously, can we just let this man have a nap?

4) Strange Thing Mystifying: Judas publicly calls out Mary and Jesus claps back. Folx, get you a partner who will defend your honor the way Jesus defends MM in this scene. Also Jesus loses his shoes and is mostly barefoot for the remainder of the show.

5) Everything’s Alright: Okay, this is one of the songs I have A LOT to say about. First, it’s important to know that I was a church musician throughout all of my adolescence and into my early adulthood. The pianist at the services I usually played at was a top-notch jazz pianist, and also my piano teacher for about six years while I as in high school and undergrad. (Incidentally, I had a HUGE crush on his son, who was/is a jazz saxophonist and clarinetist and also played in the church band, but that’s a story for another day.) One of the hymns we played a few times a year was called “Sing of the Lord’s Goodness,” which is notable for being in 5/4 time. Whenever this hymn was on the schedule, it was usually the recessional, or the last song played as the clergy processed out and the congregation got ready to leave, so we were able to have some fun with it. After a couple verses the piano player and his son would usually morph it into “Take Five,” a famous jazz standard by Dave Brubeck which is also in 5/4 time. Anyway, the first time I listened to this song in full, it got to Judas’s line “People who are hungry, people who are starving,” and I sat bolt upright and went “HOLY SHIT THIS IS ‘SING OF THE LORD’S GOODNESS/TAKE FIVE.’” And I was ricocheted back in time to being fourteen and trying to keep up with this father/son duo in a cavernous Catholic church while simultaneously making heart-eyes at the son. Final note: This is the only song in the musical to feature all three leads (Jesus, Judas, and Mary Magdalene) and is mostly Jesus and MM being soft with each other in between bouts of Jesus and Judas snarling at one another.

6) This Jesus Must Die: I LOVE that all the villains in this production are in tailored suits. LOVE IT. Also, Caiaphas and Annas are a comedy duo akin to “the thin guy and the fat guy,” except in this case it’s “the low basso profundo and the high tenor.” Excellent use of the arena video screen again, this time as CCTV.

7) Hosanna: My background as a church musician strikes back again. It honestly took me two or three listens to catch it, but then I had another moment of sitting bolt upright and going “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A PSALM.” Psalms sung in church usually take the form of call-and-response, with a cantor singing the verses and the congregation joining in for the chorus. If I close my eyes during this song, I have no trouble imagining Jesus as a church cantor singing the verses and then bringing the congregation in for the “Ho-sanna, Hey-sanna” chorus.

8) Simon Zealotes: This is part “Gloria In Excelsis” and part over-the-top Gospel song. Honestly it’s not my favorite, but it marks an important mood change in the show. The end of “Hosanna” is probably Jesus at his happiest in the entire show, and then Simon comes in and sours the mood by trying to tip the triumphant moment into a violent one. Jesus is not truly happy again from this moment on.

9) Poor Jerusalem: Also not my fave. It kinda reads like Webber and Rice realized that Jesus didn’t have a solo aria in Act I, so they came up with this. But it has the distinction of containing the lyric, “To conquer death you only have to die,” which is the biggest overarching theme of the story.

10) Pilate’s Dream: Pontius Pilate might be the most underrated role in this entire show, and I love that this production has him singing this song while being dressed in judge’s robes.

11) The Temple: The first half of this is one of the campiest numbers in Act I, at least in this production, and it’s awesome. The second half is one of the saddest, as Jesus tries to heal the sick but finds there are too many of them. Also the whole scene is almost entirely in 7/8 time, which I think is just cool.

12) I Don’t Know How To Love Him: Mary Magdalene’s big aria, and one of the songs I knew prior to seeing the full-length show. This production has MM taking off her heavy lipstick and eye makeup onstage, mid-song, which is kind of cool. Melanie C says in a BTS interview that MM’s makeup is her armor, so this is a Big Symbolic Moment.

13) Damned For All Time: The scene transition into this song is played entirely in pantomime, and I love it. The solo guitarist gets to be onstage for a bit, A+ use of the video screen again to show Judas on CCTV, etc. Love it. And then this song is Judas frantically rationalizing what he’s doing, and what he’s about to do, with Caiphas and Annas just reacting with raised eyebrows and knowing looks.

14) Blood Money: This is where the tone of the show really takes a turn for the dark. I think this might be one of Tim Minchin’s finest moments as Judas, because his facial expressions and microexpressions throughout this scene speak absolute volumes. And the offstage chorus quietly singing “Well done Judas” as he picks up the money is a positively chilling way to end Act I.

15) The Last Supper: Act II begins with major “Drink With Me” vibes. (Except JCS came WAY before Les Miz, so it’s probably more accurate to say that “Drink With Me” has major “The Last Supper” vibes.) Jesus and Judas have their knock-down, drag-out fight, and it’s honestly heartbreaking, thanks again to Tim Minchin’s facial expressions. A well-done production of JCS will really convey that Jesus and Judas were once closer than brothers, even though their relationship is at breaking point when Act I begins.

16) Gethsemane: This is Jesus’s major showpiece and one of my faves. Jesus knows he has less than 24 hours to live, he knows he’s going to suffer, and worst of all, he doesn’t know whether it’s going to be worth it. It’s an emotional rollercoaster to watch and to perform, and it goes on for ages: something like 6 or 7 minutes. Fun fact: the famous G5 is not written in the score. Ian Gillan, who played Jesus on the original concept album, just sang it that way, so most subsequent Jesuses have also done it that way. Lindsay Ellis has a great supercut of this on YT. John Legend notably sang the line as written during the 2018 concert.

17) The Arrest: Judas’s Betrayer’s Kiss is played differently across different productions. The 2012 version is pretty tame - I’ve seen clips and gifs of other productions, including the 2000 direct-to-video version, where they kiss fully on the mouth and have to be dragged apart by the guards and it is THE MOST TENDER THING. Then the 7/8 riff from “The Temple” comes back and the 2012 version lets the video screen do its thing again as Jesus is swarmed by reporters.

18) Peter’s Denial: Not much to say about this one, as it’s basically a scene transition. But it’s a significant moment in the Passion story, so I’m glad they included it.

19) Pilate and Christ: The 2012 production continues with the theme of Caiaphas, Annas, and Pilate all being bougie af, since Pilate intentionally looks like he just came from tennis practice during this scene. Also he does pilates...hehehe.

20) King Herod’s Song: Tim Minchin says in a BTS interview that JCS works best when Jesus and Judas are played seriously and the rest of the production is allowed to be completely camp and wild and bizarre all around them, and he is bloody well CORRECT about that. Case in point: King Herod. There is not a single production of JCS that I know of where Herod is played “straight.” He’s been played by everyone from Alice Cooper to Jack Black, and everyone puts a different zany spin on him. In JCS 2012 he’s a chat show host in a red crushed velvet suit, who is clearly having the time of his LIFE.

21) Could We Start Again Please: This is another of my faves. Just a quiet moment where MM, Peter, and the disciples try to grapple with the fact that Jesus is arrested and things are going very, very badly. This is also my favorite Melanie C moment of the 2012 show. Her grief is very real, and the little moment she has with Peter at the end is very real.

22) Death of Judas: This is basically Tim Minchin screaming for about five minutes, and incredibly harrowing to watch on first viewing.

23) Trial Before Pilate: Possibly my single favorite scene in the entire 2012 production. This is another harrowing watch, but there’s so much to take in. The “set” that the entire show takes place on is essentially just a massive staircase, and the people with power are almost always positioned above the people without power. In this scene, the crowd shouting “Crucify Him!” is positioned above Pilate, which is a very telling clue to Pilate’s psychology during this scene. Jesus is at the very bottom of the stairs, of course. Excellent use of the video screen once again during the 39 Lashes, to show the lash marks building and building until the entire screen is a wash of red. Pilate’s counting also gets more and more frantic, especially starting around “20.” And all the while the guitar riff from “Heaven On Their Minds” is playing. Jesus’s line “Everything is fixed and you can’t change it” is played quite differently in different productions - here it’s defiant, but elsewhere (in JCS 2000 for example) it’s almost tender, like Jesus is absolving Pilate for his part in the trial. But it always ends the same - with Pilate almost screaming as he passes the sentence and “washes his hands” of the whole sorry business.

24) Superstar: The most over-the-top number in the show. Judas, who died two scenes ago, comes back to sing this. There are soul singers. There are girls in skimpy angel costumes. The parkour guys from the prologue are back. Judas pulls a tambourine out of hammerspace midway through the song. And Jesus is silently screaming and crying as he gets hoisted onto a lighting beam while all this is going on.

25) The Crucifixion: More of a spoken-word piece than a song, it’s Jesus’s final words on the cross over eerie piano music, and another harrowing watch.

26) John 19:41: An instrumental piece in which Jesus is taken from the cross and carried, at last, to the top of the stairs, before being lowered out of sight as the video screen turns into a memorial wall and everything fades to black.

So. I know I’m anywhere from three to fifty-one years late to this particular party, but I am on the JCS bandwagon now and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. :)

#jesus christ superstar #jcs 2012 #jcs is all i have been thinking about all week sorry not sorry #ben forster #tim minchin #melanie c #andrew lloyd webber #tim rice

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bangtanblurbs · 3 years

Text

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love.

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come.

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life.

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell.

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world.

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness.

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story.

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically.

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices.

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs.

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive.

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely.

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams.

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice.

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity.

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever.

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return.

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going.

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever.

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance.

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination.

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that.

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it.

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow.

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again.

#bts #bangtan #jin #j-hope #hoseok #namjoon #rm #army #jungkook #taehyung #jimin #yoongi #suga #Lyrics #hyyh #Young forever #analysis

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xxchrisabrams · 2 years

Text

Paging Dr. Christopher Abrams ....

Not everyone can say they’ve been to the Big Apple, but [CHRISTOPHER “CHRIS” ABRAMS], a [FORTY] year-old [CIS MALE] has lived in [MANHATTAN] for [SEVEN YEARS]. This is the city of dreams and [HE] knows it, because they came to NYC to be a/an [NEURO SURGEON ]. Well, that and as a [HUSBAND] to [MELISSA HIRSCH]. Living in the city means they meet all kinds of people, but everyone always seems to think they look like [JESSE LEE SOFFER]. They even got away with free cab fare once because of it! [r, 22, her/she, cst, none]

Stats || Connections

HISTORY (tw: death & car crash )

christopher was born to his parents (jeremy abrams and georgia abrams) and june 12th 1989 in minneapolis. his parents were well off and made sure their eldest son got everything he may need though they weren’t alone for long as his parents soon had his younger sibling. the two kids had a fairly easy childhood and all the love they could need

his parents were CEO’s of the family company and it was the unspoken expectations that both children would join the company after getting a college education. his sibling seemed fine with that idea but chris had other plans. from about age thirteen he knew he wanted doctor but was afraid of telling his parents.

finally at age seventeen as he getting ready to apply to college he mustered up the courage and told his parents. his parents did not believe he would be able to achieve his dream but supported him nonetheless. the lack of belief only made him work harder and to his families surprise he graduated in three years from undergrad and got accepted to all the med schools he applied to.

(tw: death & car crash ) chris finished up med school and then matched into a surgery residency program. there is where he fell in love with neuro. as he was finishing up his residency he had a neurosurgery job lined up at a hospital in minneapolis where he grew up when he received the worst news of his life. his parents had been hit by a drunk driver and were killed. they left the two kids their money and company.

his sibling agreed to take the company and split the money between the two of them. chris needed a fresh start and decided to take a job in NYC.

when he was moving to nyc was where he met the real estate agent melissa hirsch. the two hit it off immediately and started dating soon after. the pair dated for three years before he proposed and they got married.

chris loves kids but does not want any of his own. with his job he knows it would not be fair to the kids because he would want to be around all of the time.

PERSONALITY

he likes to make sure no one can see the real him and he’s very good at hiding his feelings.

he is very social and loves to go out and meet new people. he’s like one of those people who go into a situation knowing nobody and comes out with 20 new friends and he high key loves being the center of attention. he also has a tendency to be a bit stubborn about things He will literally talk to anyone about anything. He uses his energetic and bubbly personality to make sure no one can see the real him and he’s very good at putting on a fake smile.

his ability to fake a smile helps him because he does not understand emotions also like he just bottles everything up cannot cope with anything. he’ll just kinda explode every now again.

when he gets stressed or overwhelmed he tends to just throw himself deep into his work

with his family and those who are close to him get to see he’s dorky, cares a lot about friends, and even a little cocky.

he’s super energetic he loves to mess around and have a good time but he can get a bit competitive with his with anyone who is close to him

he’s very smart. he was the kind of person that would sit in the back row just never answers any questions but still got really good marks.

HEADCANONS

tba

Wanted Connections

i will eventually put something up for his sibling

work friends

friends he goes out with

childhood friends/college friends/med school friends

literally anything else you can think of

#enyc.intro #tw: death #tw: car accident

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snowdice · 4 years

Text

Sometimes Labels Fail (Bonus Features)

Want to know what I’m blathering on about? Click below!

AO3 Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Title in my Word Document: The Correct Label is Baby. He’s Baby. (Yes, I label my WIP’s with memes when at all possible. No, I am not taking constructive criticism)

Technical Writing Facts:

This fic appears in three different places in my documents. First it started in my Ideas word document, then it transferred over to a file called TSSS superhero (which has now become where I store things in this universe until they become their own stories or one-shots. Currently I have 13,746 unpublished words in this folder… most of it is piecemeal, but I digress.). Then I decided to rewrite parts of it and put it in the word document mentioned above.

I wrote most of the story during finals week. The last chapter was written while I proctored my student’s exams. Logan’s crack about being asked questions about his class by students at coffee shops was me venting over something that had happened recently. Please, do not come up to me with your laptop open in a public place. I just wanted a cup of tea.

Patton did not originally have a large role in this fic. Then I wrote the first paragraph and thought it was funny to have Logan being absolutely serious as he listed out the way he segmented his life and just input random not as serous things, and Patton convincing him to put jam in cookies came up and then the binder part came in and suddenly it wasn’t a joke and they’d been married for decades.

In part 2, Logan comforts Patton by hugging him, rubbing his back, and laying his cheek on top of his head. In part 3, you see Patton comforting Virgil in the exact same way. This is intentional as Logan observed this behavior from Patton over the years and emulates it.

I wrote the whole story before giving Logan and Virgil superhero names. Instead I just wrote (Logan) and (Virgil) every time so I could “control f” their names with parenthesis when I decided on something.

I couldn’t stop calling Virgil Shadow Crawler and I don’t know why. I kept having to go back and find and replace in my word document for it.

I immediately regretted calling Logan Bluebird. It was fine for his chapter and then I couldn’t stop laughing every time Virgil seriously called him that in his head.

Character Facts:

All of the sides + Emile and Remy exist and are sympathetic in this AU.

Logan:

Logan has a doctorate degree in math and physics. He double majored in both and went straight for a PhD in math after his undergrad. He picked the physics one up later. He also went and got a bachelor’s degree in biology. (No this wasn’t so he could understand Patton’s research papers better. That would be an irrational reason to get a college degree.)

Logan became a superhero out of academic spite because of course he did.

When Logan first became a hero, it was shortly after a scandal that happened where a major superhero’s identity was exposed, and it turned out it was the spouse of an important political figure. It was a very public and messy divorce. Logan swore to himself he’d never get into a relationship with someone who didn’t already know he was a superhero, citing it was a bad foundation for relationships. The catch 22 was that he refused to tell anyone his secret identity. Patton ended up figuring it out on his own. Logan had not accounted for this.

In fact, Logan at the end of this story, had never told anyone his secret identity. At the end of this story only three people knew: Patton, Virgil, and Remy. No one ever told Remy and they never discussed it with him. He just kinda figured it out and didn’t say anything. Logan knows he figured it out and also hasn’t said anything. Remy is a bit salty about this and likes to send subtle jabs at Logan about it. Both Patton and Logan know he knows. He’s known almost as long as Patton. It’s almost an inside joke between them at this point.

Virgil:

Virgil doesn’t know anything about his birth-parents other than his birth mother died in childbirth.

Virgil once stole something that was not money or food and it was completely accidental. He broke into a museum just to look as a 14th birthday present for himself. He got caught by a guard and panicked. For some reason, his panicked brain told him since he was a villain, he had to make it look like there was a villainous reason for him to be there… so he stole a statue. Yeah, he doesn’t understand it either. Yes, he ended up getting it back to them. What was he supposed to do with a statue?

Virgil plays the clarinet and is actually pretty good. He wasn’t able to get into any of the bands you have to audition for (he’s just in the general non-audition band at school) and was never able to really practice. Plus, his clarinet is one of those meh loaners from the school.

Virgil ends up majoring in biology with a minor in chemistry and attends the same college Logan teaches at.

I haven’t quite decided what Virgil’s going to do for his career when he grows up, but I’m leaning toward something in the medical field, though not a surgeon like Patton. Maybe a pediatrician.

Patton:

Patton was the one originally with the name Sanders. Logan took his name when they married.

Patton’s family life wasn’t… great in his youth. He had some unhealthy perceptions of relationships and his place in relationships he had to work through.

The café Virgil and Logan went to in the last chapter is where Patton and Logan first met! Patton almost poured an entire cup of coffee on him because he was exhausted after a shift at the hospital. He didn’t even notice that Logan used his powers to prevent an accident. Logan wasn’t sure if he was acting like he didn’t noticed and was plotting something. He decided to keep an eye on him. (Spoiler alert: he did keep a very good eye on him.

Patton saved the life of the current mayor. She had been the chief of police about a decade before this story. She was majorly injured in the line of duty to the point where basically she was a lost cause. Patton, though, saw her two elementary aged sons and went absolutely not. With the permission of her wife, he took her in for multiple surgeries (many experimental) and by pure force of will stitched her back together. She woke up half a year later. Will she ever walk again? No. Did she get to adamantly insist on carrying boxes on her lap while riding a wheelchair to help her sons move into their college dorm this past fall? Yes.

Because of the above, Patton gets invited to many high-profile events. Patton does not like going to these things alone. Which isn’t a problem until Bluebird is on the guest list.

Remy:

Remy has been working with Patton for basically forever. He’d been working for less than a year before he got swept up for an emergency surgery because he was the closest one around and it was a very high-profile case that needed to be dealt with right that second. That’s when he first met Patton and due to certain events, everyone in that room ended up with a certain tie to each other. He’s basically been Patton’s nurse ever since even when they just worked together in the ER. Everyone knew Remy was Patton’s nurse even though he wasn’t officially. When Patton stopped being an ER surgeon and became more of a specialist, Remy followed him right out the door and now works with him and two other doctors.

Roman:

Roman didn’t appear in this story, but he was mentioned and he’s around. He started going out in a prince costume when he was 17. (He is 3 years older than Virgil). He gets away with it mostly because everyone “knows” Roman’s too dramatic and likes to boast. The boy couldn’t keep a secret like that to save his life. So, what if that guy has superstrength like him? Look he’s sitting right there. Wait that’s Remus? …Nah, still couldn’t be him.

Remus:

Remus is Roman’s twin and has the same powers as him. He is not active during this story, but he will end up as a “villain.” He actually ends up working with a government agency to basically go undercover as a supervillain and helps bring down villains. He’s really good at it. His mothers know, but honestly, they kind of expected something like this. They’re just glad their other son is just a normal actor who has no interest in risking his life…

Deceit:

Deceit was actually mentioned (though not by name) in the first chapter. He is a vigilante and has been since before Logan was on the scene. Logan hates him. He probably would have gotten over being shot that one time, but then he made the mistake of needing medical care and kidnapping a doctor… He didn’t harm Patton at all, and Logan found him in like two hours, but none of that mattered. Logan was super, super pissed. The funny thing is, Deceit was not and still is not aware of Patton’s personal connection to Bluebird. He isn’t quite sure why Bluebird treats him with more disdain than he does most villains, but just figures he’s an asshole.

Emile:

Emile is a pretty well-known psychiatrist. He offered his services free of charge for people affected by the school shooting. He even extended the invitation to Bluebird, letting him wear the mask the whole time. Logan took him up on it because honestly, it was a traumatic situation and he figured he should deal with it now rather than later. Emile is currently dating Remy. He was not 100% sure why the superhero Bluebird seemed to be giving him dating advice at a party, but it worked out. (No, Remy is not aware Logan set him up.)

Feel free to keep sending asks about this story going forward. I love them and I have a lot more about this universe in my head that I didn’t put here either unintentionally or intentionally.

Click here for asks already answered in chronological order.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #logicality #remy sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #tw school shooting #tw medical #tw surgery #sometimes labels fail #bonus features #labeled universe #deceit sanders #emile piccani

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rendezvous-ramblings · 3 years

Note

I graduated college (undergrad) last spring and started working at a job in an industry I hate. I want to leave because the work environment is stressing me out so much that I broke out into hives (which has never happened before) and I have mini panic attacks every weekend before the work week. I also have chest pain due to stress and I’m only 22!! I really want to leave but my parents are encouraging me to stay or find a similar job because of how well it pays. Because of the pandemic, there aren’t a lot of options right now. I’m honestly okay working at a Barnes and Nobles part time in order to get a bit of money while I figure things out but also, I want to purse my own business and I would have time to do so with a less stressful part time job like that. My parents want me to work in an office though because they think I shouldn’t work in stores since I have a degree. And then I think maybe I should stay only because I’m scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it even though I’m pretty sure this job is slowly killing me. Any words of advice? I know we’re pretty much the same age but I would love to hear your thoughts.

Hi,

First of all congrats on graduating because that’s an achievement you should be very proud of given how chaotic the last few weeks of our senior year of undergrad went! I’m sorry you’re experiencing these negative health symptoms from your work environment. When I was in the PhD program I didn’t have any extreme external symptoms that you have, but I was very self-aware that I was experiencing a mental low that I’ve never dealt with before. I knew in the long run I would end up burning myself out and it would be detrimental towards my mental health. I also realized from the few months that I was in the program that despite getting good grades and feedback in the A range that 1. I was not as passionately invested in a research idea as my peers were 2. I felt I was not getting the proper amount of guidance being the youngest student with only a BA degree even though I was actively reaching out to professors 3. I just realized that my actual career goals and what I wanted were no longer aligned with academia after experiencing it. It wasn’t worthwhile for me to invest 5+ years of my life to enter an oversaturated job market with the perspective financial instability as an adjunct lecturer. One of my recommenders/former professors actually told me I was brave to realize that this path just wasn’t for me so early on, accepted it, and moved on with another plan in motion. I once met someone who was stuck in a PhD program and ended up dropping out when she only needed to complete her dissertation/final year! Sometimes it is much harder to walk away from an opportunity that is hurting you more. There’s so many people who end up staying and ignore their own wellbeing.

Thankfully, my parents did support my decision because they saw how I was emotionally and mentally drained/not myself. At first I was unsure if I should get a job as a substitute teacher for a year before reapplying in Fall of 2021 to a teaching program that I rejected in the Spring of 2020. I was actually in the process of doing so until I reached out to another high school teacher of mine. She gave me advice and talked me through all my options and in the end I decided to reapply for Spring of 2021. I left the PhD program as soon as I was able to without any financial penalties because I had to stay for at least 3/4s of the semester. I found a retail job during the hiatus period after leaving the program. It’s not the most glamorous job but it’s in my neighborhood and I don’t have to commute/be exposed to people outside of my area. I’m using that to fund my degree and pay my own personal bills for the time being. I’ll consider an internship or higher paying position once things become more settled after the vaccine rollout.

My advice would be to try to reason with your parents and explain to them the adverse health symptoms you’re having (if you haven’t already). If you’re dependent on them (to whatever extent) discuss your plan and options moving forward. You could try applying to some of the retail jobs that you want and other corporate jobs that might be a better fit for your personality/interests. I am sure there’s different team dynamics and work cultures out there. It sounds like you might just be stuck in an environment that is toxic or incompatible with you. My best friend’s sister recently got out of a toxic work environment and she was unsure if she wanted to continue in that industry. However, she applied somewhere else in the same industry and it was a much better fit for her mental health/team wise! You might want to consider talking to a mentor, professor, or close friend that is unbias and has your best interests at heart. That way you can get a professional opinion in your field + a personal one.

If you cannot leave your current position right away then I would suggest seeking therapy if that is an option for you. The best scenario is to have your exit plan aligned by the time you leave the door, but I understand how that’s not always an option for every circumstance. If you must leave before you have your next plan in place then just give yourself the time and proper environment to recover before making your next moves. Don’t see this as a failure but just a minor setback. There’s people who invest YEARS of their life in an occupation, relationship, etc. that does not serve them well. So at least you discovered this early and you can now readjust your life goals and plans. I’m slowly learning too that there’s no set “timeline” for our lives. You might have a plan but sometimes your plan doesn’t always play out exactly the way you imagined it. There might be uncontrollable circumstances that make things harder or enjoyable pitstops (you didn’t schedule) where you’re still moving closer to your goals only at a slower pace than you imagined.

Make sure you list out the pros and cons for each of your options and discuss it with people who are supportive of you. If you want to maintain a good relationship with your parents and appease them in a way where it’s still a healthy relationship, you can just tell them that this is only temporary until you gather yourself together. We’re still dealing with the instability of the pandemic and taking a slower paced job could help you take a break from the corporate stress you experienced. You will just have to keep emphasizing that you’re still actively working and planning towards something. It’s not as if you’re just sitting around at home and stuck in limbo. As long as you have your set personal goals in mind I’m sure you won’t be stuck in the wormhole of a minimum wage job. I can see how maybe your parents are worried that you might get caught up in the routine or become too comfortable with it. Regardless, you know yourself better and what you need for your mental health and physical well being. Just make sure you’re reaching out for help (this is coming from someone who bottles up all her emotions and never wants to ask for help!). I talked to my old professor, my high school teacher, friends, family, and everyone I could get my hands on when I was struggling. From talking to people you realize you’re not alone in this uncertainty and realization that you’re in a situation that you don’t want to be in.

Good luck! I hope this all helped! Feel free to dm me if you feel like I missed something or you just want to vent. 💛

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srsly-messed-up-fruitloop · 4 years

Text

DannyMay2020: Day 22 (Isolation)

Danny let out a sigh, his breath dissipating into the glowing swirls of energy novas in the ghost zone. He was in his ghost form, perched on a tiny clump of purple land, miles away from the Fenton portal, Walker’s prison, Skulker’s island. Completely alone.

He wanted to go back to the simpler times. When every night he used to sneak up to the observatory above his home and counted the star constellations and dimly glowing planets he could barely distinguish. It was his dream to go out there and step foot on those planets himself. It was ever since he was a kid. And he fought for that dream. Begging his parents to take him to space camp, memorizing by heart how far away every recorded planet is, locking himself in the dryer to simulate a practice takeoff.

He was ambitious. Was. Past tense. Now, that glee from imagining stepping on the moon was lost. Barely a childhood memory. Sitting here in the most isolated part of the ghost zone, he thought this is probably what space is like. Like David Bowie’s Space Oddity.

Jazz was always telling him to take time for himself. He really missed her. Although, she seems to be having the time of her life at Harvard, learning straight from professors who devoted their lives to psychology and meeting people who actually cared for intellectual discussion.

Sam was out at some protest. What was it...the Amity Park Zoo? Even though Sam’s aggressive activism was sometimes annoying, and downright got him in trouble at times (Exhibit A: the lunch lady ghost), he still found it incredibly admirable. She was always so passionate, never relenting until some action was done for a cause she deeply cared about. Despite the constant discouragement from her parents, she still fights for what she believes in. With that trait, Danny knows she’ll go far in life.

Tucker...he was at something called a hackathon? Contrary to Danny’s initial thought, a hackathon was not something where you try to hack as many computers as possible. Although, Tucker would probably participate in something like that too. Being a part of Team Phantom really taught him so much. Having to hack into systems on the fly to thwart Technus’ evil plans or remotely erase footage of Danny’s transformations definitely honed his skills. So much that when he voluntarily disclosed a severe cybersecurity flaw in some multinational corporation’s system, they promised to pay for his entire undergrad and give him a guaranteed job placement after. Danny is so happy for him. He was set.

Danny’s parents were out hosting the world’s first (serious) ghost conference. After months of careful planning, perfecting their inventions to be displayed, and contacting various ectoscientists around the world to be guest speakers, this week the conference finally kicked off. Jack and Maddie Fenton are now seen as world-renowned experts in their field. Danny is so so proud of them. For years he saw first-hand the hard work they put into their research. It’s nice to finally witness them experiencing real success and respect.

Danny? That dream of becoming an astronaut was still just a childhood memory. He just couldn’t spark that same feeling he used to feel from reading NASA’s latest discoveries. Why couldn’t he find joy in it anymore?

Probably, inertly, he knew it would forever remain a dream. First off, he was hardly passing his classes. His grades were far from applicable for any astrophysics program in the country. More importantly, he has bigger responsibilities, bigger than his meager aspirations. Like Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility, blah blah blah. Defending Amity Park from evil ghosts has taken over his life.

Not only his life, his friendships too. Honestly, the last time he properly hung out with Tucker and Sam was in sophomore year. Everything they do together now has something to do with Team Phantom. He couldn’t blame them though, ghost hunting took up an enormous chunk of their time too. With the little time they had for themselves, they needed to prepare for college applications. Danny wouldn’t jeopardize their futures like that.

As for Danny’s future, he only saw a lonely never-ending path of protecting the world. Would he get weaker as he gets older? Well, Pariah Dark probably should answer that. Would he actually die? Or does his halfa status grant him immortality? He should ask Vlad sometime.

Eventually everyone will leave him and go on with their own lives. It was inevitable. He was already seeing it starting.

It wasn’t just here, isolated in the ghost zone, where he felt lonely.

It was kinda comforting, sitting here. It’s difficult to explain. Like seeing his inner sentiments displayed in front of him in brutal honesty.

He couldn’t go back to the simpler times. How could he just forget his passion for space? His parents, Tucker, Sam, Jazz--they all had their own passions. They were set on a road to doing what they love for the rest of their lives. Danny knows he always has that opportunity of salvaging his grades, taking another year to meet the requirements for college. But, he really couldn’t care less. What would it matter? Eventually he would get distracted again.

So here he was.

A bright orb of ectoenergy shot off in the distance, resembling a shooting star. Apart from that, complete silence enveloped him. Until his stomach began to rumble.

Sighing once more, Danny stood up and started towards the direction of the Fenton portal.

✦✧✦

so...i haven’t written anything like this since i was 14. constructive criticism is always welcome!

#i'm serious #i'm almost 20 now and i haven't written anything creative in YEARS #also yay for my first contribution to the phandom #thanks to quarantine i've fallen in this rabbit hole and i'm very happy here #DannyMay2020 #DannyMay day 22 #Isolation #Danny Phantom #Danny Fenton #Loneliness #Danny Phantom Fanfiction #ficlet #mine #grooveactuallywrites

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foggedgrief · 4 years

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okay, hello, this is going to be a part one to a series of introductions ! i have already hit my five character cap because i’m a menace but that means you get more content and honestly that feels like a fair trade off. without my rambling, i give you nicky ( click here to find some quick facts about my boy ) and emi ( click here to find some quick facts about my girl ) ! wanted connections can be found here.

be warned ! before you click that handy dandy little read more, the following triggers will be discussed : death ( multiple deaths due to the fog, not explicit : both nicky and emi ), grief ( parent losing a child : emi ), religion ( turning away from : emi ) !

losing friends and family to the fog and blaming yourself for not being more vigilant, taking guardianship of your little sister and getting a second job to make sure ends meet, trying your hardest and kicking yourself for not doing better, bloodied knuckles aggravated by vodka to clean them and wrapped so tightly you fear your fingers might turn blue, anger replaced by grief replaced by the understanding she needs you and you will tear down the rest of the world to keep her safe.

nicholas adam locklear was born in inverness, scotland, and still has a scottish accent even though he’s been in the country for twenty years.

nicky and his family moved to maine a few months before his seventh birthday. they moved to maine because his mother, a once american ex pat, had a father who wanted his kids to be closer because they all seemed to have scattered to the wind. he walked into the fog a week after the locklears had unpacked their home.

the fog has always been a thing of morbid fascination from nicky and after grandpa took his walk into the woods, nicky was kept particularly far away from the forest line, fog warnings or not. on all saint’s day, the day after he turned eight, nicky found himself in the fog. and then he found himself in his bed with no explanation for either event.

he started drawing that day, intricate sigils that gave themselves meaning but no voice, so he spoke them into existence: protection from sorcery, protection from evil, wards off negative energies, heal the body and the spirit. four symbols that he couldn’t stop drawing on everything he owned. homework, notebooks, on the walls of his home in crayon ( if you look in those spots today, in the locklear family home, they’re painted now. a whole interior room covered in the sigils intended to look like an artsy photo collage wall. ).

some in town say that the locklears are cursed, that their family bears bad blood, that they owed some kind of karmic debt too large for one life. whatever the rumor, they all boil down to one thing: too many locklears have gone missing in the fog. nicky’s paid little mind to them, though there’s a voice too strange to be his but too familiar to dismiss that encourages him to go in ( to go back ).

nicky’s life revolves around his little sister, belle, who was born when he was twenty. a few months later, their mother went into the fog and their father went about an hour later to try and look for her. neither came home. though the courts tried to pass belle off to the next living relative, nicky petitioned for rights to guardianship because he lived in the home and could find a way to make ends meet for him to be belle’s caretaker. enter the diner and blue valley.

nicky’s always been a hard worker, never one to take a short cut and never one to take the easy way out. his focus has always been to take care of belle above board, so no one could have a reason to take away the last of his family. that little babe was his world and is nicky’s driving force in most things. he started working at the bar first and took on a job at the diner when he realized that tips got slow after a certain hour and what better way than to make more money by helping to sober up the people you just got drunk ?

when customers offer to buy nicky drinks, he usually puts together a couple of complimentary mixers ( cranberry juice, pineapple juice, and orange juice ) and pours in water from an old tito’s bottle to make it look like he’s adding tequila. he’ll pocket the cost of a drink as an extra tip. he never drinks on the job.

his jobs aren’t glamorous but they keep the roof over his head and belle’s. he works 14 hour days ( 9 pm to 11 am ; 9 pm - 3 am at blue valley and 3:10 to 11 am at the diner ), 6 days a week ( sundays off ), 84 hours a week and he’s damn good at what he does, and seldom calls out for anything. nicky’s the kind of guy to pound three monsters and call it a day just to keep himself going. he’s used to running on little sleep because of his paternal role with belle and wanting to keep as engaged with her as possible. he usually leaves her with the finnegans so he doesn’t have to pay any babysitting money.

the one time nicky tried, dottie looked at the bills in his hand and just hugged him tightly and said, “no child of mine is going to pay me to watch theirs.” nicky cried that day and spent ten minutes crying into her shoulder and then slept on her couch for a few hours while belle played with the finnegan twins.

nicky is a good person and he’s a really good dad. at 22 he became licensed in the state of maine to be able to foster and has fostered ten kids in the last five years. right now it’s just him and belle in the house that his parents bought that he keeps up as best as he can. the guest bathroom needed a remodel three years ago and the kitchen appliances only work when you knock on them the right way and if the wind’s blowing in the right direction, but some things are just the way that it is.

other important things that i couldn’t work in above but you should know:

nicky gives like ,,, just really comforting hugs that suggest a level of emotional intimacy that is likely to catch you pleasantly off guard.

will help you buy your groceries because he has a better chance of making fifty dollars tonight than you do.

usually sleeps on disney princess sheets because belle insisted they would look best in his room ( she was right ). his other sheets are bubblegum pink and he bought them for himself because that’s the vibe he was feeling and sometimes you just have to do what will put a smile on your face.

his little sister is seven but nicky is the only parent she’s ever known and she usually calls him dad over nicky even though she knows the difference.

nicky calls her his kid a lot. everyone in town pretty much knows the story.

steady hands and steady heart are starting to shake, pleading with officers don’t let me bury an empty casket, the table set for three but you can’t bring yourself to put the plate away, pale yellow front door once made your laugh now just makes you sad because your daughter’s sunshine still lingers, and there’s no place to put your faith, nothing so powerful would take away a little girl.

emi is considerably less fleshed out than nicky but we’re still going to do our best to give her a fair shake at an intro, so here goes !

noemi was born noemi sofia ibarra in pine haven, maine. though she’s always considered pine haven her home, she’s always desired that her upbringing was somewhere warmer.

she’s a third generation doctor at the clinic, following in the footsteps of her grandfather and mother and knew from a young age that she wanted to help people. she bounced from pine haven for a while ( from ages 18 to 28 ) and followed her dreams to go somewhere warmer and graduated from emory university’s medical school in atlanta.

she pushed through medical school immediately after graduating with her undergrad and returned to pine haven as a permanent resident when she was 29. having been home, officially, for ten years, she has found herself in the center of the community. more often than not, residents of town know they can call emi and come sit on her kitchen table if they need urgent care.

life outside of pine haven’t wasn’t all medical school, though, because she also met her the father of her daughters. at 23 emi gave birth to her elder daughter, evangeline. that sweet little girl meant the world to her and emi spent double the amount of time awake those first semesters trying to get used to having a baby and school to balance. she was the center of emi’s universe, this baby and her father.

emi’s second daughter, catalina, was born about eight years ago and is as much emi’s pride and joy as her older sister. the pair never fail to blow emi away in their creativity, kindness, and love, and she has made that known to them from the time they could open their eyes. though these times were sweet it’s time to fast forward to the current day because this is where emi shifts for the worse for as much as she doesn’t want to.

two weeks ago, during the fog warning, evangeline wasn’t home with the family. emi was at work, locked down with a few patients, and when she didn’t get a phone call from her daughter, like she asks of all her family, she started to worry. panic didn’t settle in until after the fog warning and no one had heard from evangeline. frantic, begging, trying to stave off the final moments before the inevitable declaration, emi found herself begging the officers at the station: find me something to bury before absolutely crumbling against the weight of her own fears.

prior to her daughter’s disappearance, emi had put at least some stock into god but spite consumes her whenever she thinks about him. something all loving doesn’t steal child from the arms of their mother’s and something all powerful doesn’t let whatever lives in the forest to exist after taking the first soul. this town suffers because of that fog and venom pools in her mouth waiting to spit at the first person who proclaims that god will watch over her daughter. some people turn to faith for stability. emi has turned away.

#pine haven intro #‹ ✦ ˚ nicky: headcanon. fickle hearted little boy made man with a silver tongue. ›#‹ ✦ ˚ noemi: headcanon. gone but not forgotten，she holds so many candles. ›#death tw #death mention tw #religion tw #grief tw

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chicken-fifi · 4 years

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Serendipity - Chapter One

Description: Evie Claire, a ray of sunshine. Always bright and bubbly. Always trying to help others. At the tender age of 22, everything changed when she was rapped by her best friend. Thinking every man will turn out like him, she shuts her heart. Then she met him. Park Jimin, the self-conscious college undergrad. They both need someone to help them, but they aren’t looking in the right place. For what they need is Serendipity. But who will give it to them.

Warning: Mention of rape

Beginning of December…….

The class ended and Evie quickly grabbed her things, getting ready to go to the class. Her steps were quick as she made her way for the door. Eyes on the ground not paying attention to anyone that spoke to her.

“Evie? Could you stay after class? I need to have a word with you?” her professor said just before she could leave the room.

She froze and turned around slowly, making her way back to the front of the room.

“Evie, is everything okay? You're not as bubbly and happy as you were before. Did something happen?” the professor asked looking at Evie with worry.

Evie shook her head. “No, I’m just...I haven’t gotten enough sleep that’s all. You know with all the final exams and projects due before Christmas break. It’s getting a bit stressful.”

She raised her eyebrows and looked at Evie cautiously.

“Well if you ever want to talk or need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

Evie nods and turns to leave.

“Wait a second. I need to ask you a favor.” she calls out, causing Evie to turn around. “Do you know Park Jimin?”

Evie nods. She wasn’t close with him, but they exchanged a few words before.

“I want you to tutor him. He’s failing this course. Would you mind?”

Evie froze. Tutor a guy.

“Mrs. Tome...I have my own things to do and I-”

“Just for the beginning of the upcoming semester, until I can find someone else.”

Evie looked at her teacher and hesitated. She thought back to September, her fears since that day never left. She’d closed her heart and refused to talk to any male on campus.

“Evie?”

Could she face her fear just to help a silly boy pass this class?

Evie looked at her professor. “I’ll give it a shot but if I don’t like it, I’m out.”

Her professor nodded, “That seems fair enough. What class do you have next?”

“Astrophysics.”

Mrs. Tome grinned, “So does Jimin! Great! You can run it by him and set a date for when you two can begin studying together.”

Gripping her things closer to her chest, Evie nodded and turned to leave the room, this time without being stopped. As she made her way down the halls, people gave her odd looks. Everyone on campus knew her as the bright and cheery, outgoing 22 year old. So when she began to keep to herself, and stopped going to parties and events, everyone got confused. But they all let it slide. After all people change.

***

As she walked into the class she immediately saw Jimin sitting towards the back with his friends. Taehyung -one of Jimin’s closest friends- noticed her staring and sent her his rectangular smile. She ignored it and went to sit down in her usual spot. She’d talk to him after class. If she got the courage anyways.

***

“Class is dismissed.” the professor called out, sending all the student body into a frenzy.

She got up and made her way over to where Jimin and his friends still sat.

“Hi Evie!” Taehyung says loudly waving his hands like a maniac.

She shyly waves her hand back before turning to Jimin. “Mrs. Tome, wants me to tutor you next semester for a some time. What days work?”

Jimin shrugs, “Anytime after four o’clock, except Wednesdays.The guys and I have a study thing.”

Nodding, turns and begins to walk out of the class.

“Hey wait!” Taehyung cries out grabbing her arm.

Evie freezes and her breath hitches.

“Your book.” he says holding it out to her.

She sighs in relief, “Oh, um, thank you.”

***

Evie wasted no time in leaving the class. As she made her way toward the entrance of the building she heard someone shout her name.

“Evie!”

She looked over her shoulder and saw Jimin running toward her. He skid to a stop right in front of her.

“It’s snowing pretty heavily, I thought you might want a ride.”

Her breath hitched again. The last time she confided in a man to take her home she was raped. And she knew him. She didn’t know much about Jimin, another reason not to trust him.

“I’m fine. I’ll just walk. It’s not that bad.” she responded, reaching to pull the door open.

His hand shot out and held the door closed.

“It's the least I could do. You’re gonna tutor me next semester after all.”

Her eyes met his.

“I’m fine. I’ll just walk.” she repeated sternly.

His face fell slightly, before he gave her a small smile.

“Sorry. I’ll-uh-just go now?” he said unsure of himself. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll just go.”

Evie watched as Jimin walked off in the direction he came from.

She heard him speak to himself, every once in while looking back in her direction. He was insecure. She could tell. Her rejecting his offer didn’t help either. She sighed pulling the door open, the cold wind hitting her face. Evie took a step forward and began the long walk to her apartment.

***

As soon as she entered her apartment, she remembered what had happened there just months before. Tears formed in her eyes as her back slid down the closed door. She hugged her knees to her chest and sobbed. She sobbed for what seemed like hours. When she finally got her tears under control, she got up from the floor and made her way into the kitchen. She rummaged around the fridge before pulling out a container with pasta.

While it was warming up in the microwave, Evie was flipping through channels trying to find something to get her mind off of the fact that she was yet again, alone, in the place where ‘it’ happened. The beeping of the microwave brought her mind back to Earth. Putting the remote down, she made her way to the kitchen and grabbed her food before going back into the living room.

“Lovely Bones. I wonder what it’s about.” ~~~~ “All this is no coincidence Just, just I could feel that The whole world is different than yesterday Just, just with your joy When you called me, I become your flower As if we were waiting, we bloom until we ache Maybe it’s the providence of the universe It just had to be that, you know I know You are me, and I am you” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author’s Note 1,000 words. Okay, so since Serendipity is a rather short song, the chapters will be fairly long and might have time skips in them. As I’ve said before, this one won’t be very long. AND WHEN I SAY SHORT I MEAN LIKE FOUR MORE CHAPTERS! SO……….. I’m gonna start a Q&A. You guys can ask me any question about any of my works, or myself and I’ll answer try to answer it. HECK IF YOU NEED AN ANSWER TO A MATH QUESTION I’LL DO IT! Please comment.

#kpop imagines #kpop #fanfiction #kpop fanfiction #bts jimin #park jimin #bts park jimin #jimin #bts #bts mochi #bts park chimchim

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smollandtoll · 6 years

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HC: Science TA Geno History Student Sid

The second these photos came out we were like IT’S TIME. So HERE. WE. GO:

Imagine a universe in which Sid and Geno are separated by a few more years but not enough for it to be weird and Sid is a history major/gym addict (we just can’t picture him without the lower body) who has put off his science requirements for his degree until the very last possible time to do them. So there he is, 21/22 with a bunch of 18y/o freshmen in first year chem, looking mildly confused three times a week in lecture with his biceps threatening to burst through his intramural hockey tees, carefully seated 2/3 of the way up the lecture hall for maximum anonymity.

Sid does not like science very much. At least, not advanced science; he has no need for it beyond understanding the theory and the basics. He has no burning need to know the world’s innermost workings, and he thinks stoichiometry should go die in a fire.

But he’s also not going to let his GPA suffer because of this stupid class. He has a hard time focusing because he has so many other MORE IMPORTANT things he could be doing with his time so he gets lost easily and feels like he’s floundering and it’s ridiculous and embarrassing.

So, like a good and diligent student he goes to the TA office hours with his last quiz, bracing himself for an hour with some bored grad-school chem major to try and get a handle on the last module before it’s too far into the semester to catch up, and immediately has to squint at the name Evgeni Malkin on the door. He’s not even sure how to pronounce that. Eff-Jenny? Eve Genie? Veg-inni? He knows enough to parse out that it’s Russian and he immediately flashes to a nerdy Russian stereotype playing chess in his office behind thick glasses and a really tragic knit sweater. Sid is prepared to have the WORST time with a hardcore nerd who probably thinks a BA jock like Sid shouldn’t even be in his class - LET ALONE the fact Sid doesn’t want to be there and doesn’t get it and really doesn’t care.

Geno doesn’t make much better of a first impression. BUT to be fair:

The smell in his shared office is vinegary from the eco-friendly cleaning solution that he used to clean up an unfortunate sour cream incident in his small ancient TA office microwave. And it’s also a little like BO because...well because he smells like BO because he hasn’t been home for more than 20 minutes in weeks working on a breakthrough in his thesis. And let’s be fair, all the tiny shitty basements TAs get shoved into smell a little funky. He can’t be blamed!

Re: the point of hasn’t been home in weeks, his clothes are thoroughly dirty, we’re talking food stains, ink stains, lab stains of who knows what that soaked through his labcoat and smeared on his shirt cuffs. Also the clothes he’s wearing are his warmest and most comfortable. Oversized university sweatshirt (he’s so cold always), beanie (covering up greasy hair), his glasses because he hasn’t had time to order new contacts, extra cardigan over the back of his chair for when it gets particularly drafty after dark.

There are a LOT of mugs, and cups, and takeout containers where there aren’t stacks of papers upon papers upon textbooks. Listen, office hours are boring and any time he can get for his thesis is welcome. Cleaning isn’t high on his list of things to do currently.

So anyway, imagine Geno highly sleep deprived (who needs sleep when you have CHEMISTRY), and probably lacking a nutritionally balanced meal and hopped up on caffeine looking up at the knock to his door and seeing the most beautiful man possibly EVER standing in the doorway. He looks wary and faintly disgusted, but he also looks like he smells good, and his hair is a little damp, like he’d just come from the gym or something.

Geno legitimately thinks he's starting to hallucinate beautiful men. But then Sid opens his mouth and Geno recoils because no cute angels actually sound like that, so he must be a student.

And then Sid's asking about his quiz and he's so DETERMINED AND BRIGHT but clearly hating chem and just trying to like STRONG-ARM IT INTO OBEYING HIM. And you know what, this Geno legitimately loves chemistry; the way it underpins all of nature and all of biology, the way you can add one thing to another and get something totally surprising seemingly out of nowhere, the way equations balance out so beautifully when you get them right - the way it’s a whole language that makes perfect and total sense, unlike the confusing jumble of English he’s been putting up with since he moved here for school. He DOES want to help students learn to understand it - to love it like he does, ideally.

Geno probably pulls the test closer for a look and faintly remembers Sid seeing him up close. In class he’d never looked like much, usually wearing a ball cap that kept his beautiful face in shadow and from 40ft away in an auditorium he looked like every other university freshman, not this stacked slice of yum (on second thought, judging by the quality of his internal monologue, Geno is starting to think maybe he really does need to get some sleep).

Looking at the quiz is a little painful in some places though. Geno points out that Sid’s not dumb, but he’s careless with his work.

"This inattentiveness kill you in lab."

"I don't like science, I don't particularly want to be here, but I need this requirement and I'm not going to fly by with a C and let it tank my GPA. SO. we're going over every single one of these quiz questions."

"...You got most right though."

"Still, I could hear a repeat of the concepts, cramming doesn’t help anyone.”

So Sid sits gingerly in the moth-eaten chair in the cramped office while Geno (greasy, owlish with lack of sleep, a little too enthusiastic) tries to impress upon him the BEAUTY of Chemistry and Sid tries to dedicate himself to remembering anything at all while his brain keeps reflexively blanking out every time Geno mentions equilibriums. He’s doing better one on one, but he knew that, he always did better with a focused point for his attention.

Anyway so Sid walks out thinking the TA is like kind of a Russian Science Gremlin Nerd who chats on forums and has never eaten anything other than cheetos (judging by the contents of the wastebasket by the door). And Geno watches the door close probably thinking someone who wears as much athleisure wear and is as jacked as Sid, not to mention was only 70% successful in hiding his general disdain for THE GLORY OF STOICH, is kind of a meathead.

But Sid learned some things and Geno’s a patient if slightly judgy teacher, and Geno knows not everyone can truly understand his love of chem, so they both come out with not...100% accurate impressions of each other, but with a kind of alliance? An understanding? The usual academic relationship you might have with a TA. They're both students, the difference being one gives a shit about the topic and grades the other one’s work. Sid checks in a couple more times with questions and Geno clears up some desk space to help out if he can.

SO THEN. The semester ends, Sid passes chem, Geno gives him a high five when he hands back his final exam, which has a sticker of a cat with pom-poms saying PURR-FECT on it. Geno loves weird animal stickers (Geno is the weirdest person Sid has ever met maybe).

The next time Geno sees Sid is in the library of all places. Geno would have never thought Sid would be caught dead in a uni library. Like that doesn’t actually make sense the more he thinks about it, but it’s true, he thought maybe Sid’s intensity about his GPA was sport-team related. But here he is stationed at a carrel that is just covered in organized stacks of books, meticulous notes, colour coded even! Sid is hyper-focused on what he’s doing, flipping through a book with one hand and jotting down notes with the other.

Geno: Oh shit I'm getting a competence boner, SID IS REALLY SMART OH NO, HE’S SO ORGANIZED AND DEDICATED. LOOK AT ALL THE TABS IN THAT TEXTBOOK.

He’s beautiful and brilliant RIP G. So then Geno kind of low-key follows Sid's academic career - sees/stalks/stares in the library if he has occasion to be there (SID IS THERE SO OFTEN OH NO), immediately ducking between a couple of shelves whenever Sid looks up or stretches. He finds too many reasons to hang out in the Russian history section, probably bothering Ovi who is actually taking history courses and has a reason to be there and actually knows Sid, much to his disgust with Zhenya when he finds out what’s happening (why not a good Russian history undergrad Zhenya??). Geno has studying to do too! The library is an ideal place to study! What’s that you say, the whole catalogue is even easier to navigate digitally? Shush, you.

The next time Sid sees Geno after the semester ends is in the biggest campus gym. One time he was running on the track for a cool-down and saw Geno swimming in the lane pool below through the windows.

Initially Sid was like "good for him, he doesn't go outside enough, lil russian potted plant/cheeto gremlin."

And then Geno grabs hold of the side of the pool and lifts himself out and Sid almost runs off the track, stumbling hard. Geno doesn't have the soft and furry pale body that Sid was expecting - he's all clean angles with an even tan and the shoulder-to-waist ratio OF A DORITO. He looks insanely long and lean, just legs for days. Sid tries to recollect if he’d ever seen Geno standing before and honestly can’t remember. But watching him wiping the water out of his eyes and walk over to joke and laugh with the lifeguard on her stand, he has to be over six feet, EASILY. He just looked so small hunched in his little office in his sweaters! His face is so angular without the glasses!

So then Sid kind of gets just as creepy as G is in the library and figures out when Geno frequents the gym and starts attending at the same time to creep. The track is raised! It overlooks the pool and he’s a frequent runner! It goes on like that for some time, some mutual creeping in the way you do when you’re on a campus with 20,000 (or w/e) people and you see a familiar face but it would be weird to say hi and so you just keep going about your day/occasionally creeping as one does.

It all comes to a head fortunately one Friday night in late January. Sid gets knocked on his ass yet again at the campus pub one night when he finds out that G doesn't always dress like a soviet grandpa or a mostly-nude glistening adonis. He’s all legs a mile long in jeans laughing with his Russian TA bros, gold chains and a bright graphic tee. He looks so at ease in his clothing the way that Sid never does, because Sid is so sold, blocky, muscular - he always looks like he's 5 seconds from hulking out in his clothing or like he's swimming in his dad's suit, there's no medium. The best he can usually manage is looking like he works in a sporting goods store with an unflattering polo shirt and some track pants. And here’s Geno all handsome and tall and easy confidence with his friends, and Sid KNOWS he’s brilliant too, like this is a disaster.

Meanwhile Geno is IN LOVE with how Sid always looks like he’s going to bust out of whatever he’s wearing but this is just because Sid is still young and hasn't grown into his face/lost some childhood fat and like learned how sleek he can look in well-tailored clothing.

(Brief moment of silent thanks for his current tailor)

G probably sees Sid at the bar as well, looking flushed pink from his drink and giggling atrociously/attractively with his friends. His lips are bright pink and the flush looks so good on those cheekbones and someone’s obviously convinced him to ditch the athleisure and dress like a normal guy for the night. And if Sid is old enough to get into the bar that's not creepy right? They're no longer teacher/student and Sid looks so so so pretty. Geno might be a little drunk and narrating all of this to a very unimpressed Gonch.

(Gonch is a PHD student who is like taking 800 years to do his work because like he's also working a day job because he has a wife and kids)

There are some glances back and forth for a bit, and eventually they can both tell the other is looking looking. Geno is just tipsy enough he plucks up the courage to go over to Sid. And Sid, seeing him approaching, catching his eye, distances himself from his history nerd friends (WE’RE LOOKING AT YOU JACK JOHNSON).

So they meet up in a little nook along the bar, and exchange smiles/greetings (Sid looking up, up, up at him and feeling his flush getting DEEPER). And then the awkwardness sets in HARD. The problem being it's kind of loud in the bar, because they always are, and Sid has trouble with accents most of the time and so does Geno, plus they've both had a few beers.

They end up 100% not understanding anything the other is saying and doing that weird smile-and-nod but not-knowing-what-to-say thing that keeps your convos stilted and awkward with a few “SORRY?”s thrown in for good measure.

They’re still both a little blushy and a little mortified about not understanding. Geno feels like he understood more the first day he came to America he's like "How have I regressed to literally zero English. I don’t remember ANY ENGLISH WORDS."

Meanwhile Sid has realized they can’t really understand each other and the beer has loosened his lips enough that he’s taking advantage of the situation and blurting a lot of awkward stuff he’s way too embarrassed to actually say.

Unfortunately there’s one of those LULLS in the bar where everyone stops talking and the music is between songs and Sid just yells "I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE HOT AT FIRST."

Cue an few cackles from the wings and Sid’s instant mortification. Geno’s face is doing something between fighting a smirk of amusement and being confused/concerned.

Mostly Geno realizes that this is going to spiral out of control very quickly and tugs Sid’s elbow until they’re stepping outside together in the freezing night where their shouts will actually reach each other’s ears.

Basically they end up in a Denny’s at 2 am blushing at each other. Geno getting his flirt on, because once he feels like Sid’s into him he is all confident body language and jokes, getting into Sid’s personal space with his impossibly long limbs. Sid relaxes into being kinda snarky and snide, but so quick-witted and kind, the side of him that Geno had only briefly glimpsed during their office hour conversations. And that’s all it really takes, because they both are the type to go for what they want, and the interest is clearly mutual, and it turns out they already know a bit too much about each other’s schedules and they just make it work in the best ways.

They quickly turn into THAT COUPLE that makes all their friends roll their eyes, and Geno never stops chirping Sid for “I didn’t think you were hot at first.” both in front of other people and while Sid is trying desperately to wrestle G’s jeans off (“oh, I’m hot enough now, Sid?” “shut UP Geno and lift up your hips!!”).

Of course being the academic doorknobs they are, neither of them realize that this is an everlasting permanent kind of love, a LEGIT COLLEGE SWEETHEART KIND OF LOVE until like Sid meal preps Geno's entire week without asking whenever he knows that there's a big assignment coming up and he's never gonna get out of the lab, so he like keeps eating vegetables and not just cheetos and potato-based dishes.

Geno adopts all Sid's weird little rituals in his spaces because he respects that Sid has a system and is serious about his studies and has witnessed the meltdowns that can occur when too big a wrench gets thrown into Sid’s day. He never bothers Sid while he’s studying, but working out a system to ask unobtrusively if he wants a snack.

Geno willingly gets pranked by Flower because there’s HAZING when it comes to roommate’s significant others showering in their bathroom.

Sid has an intimidating family dinner with the Gonchars he was in no way prepared for, but gamely shows up with a bottle of wine and a button down shirt that is still creased from the packaging.

By the time Geno is cheering in the crowd at Sid’s graduation they’re maybe getting an inkling what their future looks like, full of too many bookshelves, messy stacks of papers and notebooks, missed anniversaries for papers and research but made up with good sex and take out, lumpy knit sweaters over the backs of chairs and ugly but charming antique furniture. Full of each other.

#sid/geno #sidgeno #hockey RPF #headcanons from the icy void #disclaimer: smollandtoll are unaware of the status of geno's relationship to cheetos

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yaachtynoboat711 · 6 years

Text

At First Glance: Ch.1 ✨💃🏽

A/N: Get ready to learn about the journey out favorite couple has gone on before the Gala! I struggled with this chapter all week. Thank you, @great-neckpectations and the group chat for helping me get out of my block. Love y’all 😭.

Pairing: Winston Duke x Black Plus-Sized! OC

Word Count: ~2.8K

Warnings: language, fluff, Yaa won’t let that petty go 😭

The annual Black Yale Alumni Association Benefit Ball was in full effect.Every year, the BYAA hosted this event to raise funds for their scholarship fund to help Black undergrad and grad students. This was the most anticipated event for Black Yale of the year for both alumni as well as current students. With the event always falling around Halloween, the Ball was a costume party and had a different theme. This year’s theme was “Music’s Icons”.

Even though she had just graduated Yale Law School in the spring and was slated for graduating with her Ph.D. in the December, Khalida Abdullah was NOT missing her first Black Alumni function. Since Yaa had been at Yale, she’d been one of the best-dressed people at the ball. She was always slaying the theme, no matter how vague or specific the theme or the guideline’s would be. It’d helped to have an interest in historical fashion and a sister in the fashion industry. The process for that one night was a strenuous process that lasted for months, with most time being spent in researching ( Yaa’s undergraduate was after all in History, so research came naturally to her in all facets of life). When the theme was announced in late June, Yaa knew she was going as Selena.

The easiest part of Yaa’s decision was picking which musical legend she was going to be for Ball; the hardest part would be which iconic outfit to choose from. Anything Selena put on her body would be replicated by fans and stans for the next 20+ years after her unnecessary death. Either you slayed Selena’s fit or it slayed you; most would fall victim to the latter. Yaa decided on Selena’s outfit from her last concert. It was definitely one of her most iconic and most difficult outfits to pull off. Months of preparation continued until an email was sent regarding the ball. This year’s Best-Dressed would not be granted so easily.

October 26, 2013.8:49 pm, Yaa’s AirBnB.

It was finally time for the turn up. Everything was laid out: the earrings, the custom wig adorned with Selena’s signature bangs, the makeup, even a replica of her lipstick-adorned microphone (Yaa practiced her routine while wearing red lipstick for the effect) were ready for Yaa. Yaa was precise with every detail of the ensemble. In the midst of all the preparation, Yaa’s best friend Tanisha, offered her nervous friend some comedic relief. “

“DAAAAAAAAAAAMN, K.D.! The way you looking and the way this tight ass suit is fitting on ya, you gon’ fuck around and hook a nigga!”

“What are you talking about, Neesh? You always say I’m getting wife’d up at any function I go to. The hell they lookin’ for? I’ve come to this every year since I’ve been in New Haven and nothing. Well, besides being with Quin, but that’s the same as saying nothing. Only reason I’m going is to take pictures, socialize, and say ‘thank you’ to the board and other people for helping me make it through Yale...that’s it. Ain’t no husbands coming this year!” Yaa yelled from the bathroom as she was finishing up her makeup and making her way back into her room. She watched Neesh as she transformed into Donna Summers.

“Do you even wanna get me started?” Neesh inquired as she helped her best friend put on her silver bootie heels, “ Sis, at 22, you were the VALEDICTORIAN of 2013’s Yale Law School class. It was like damn near 700 folks in that hoe and you was the smartest bitch in that bitch, not to mention the fact that you still gotta whole Ph.D. coming in December. You the shit and I just hate that you don’t relish in that. It’s a nigga right now gettin’ ready as we fucking speak going into this function totally oblivious to the fact that a thick ass angel in a tight ass purple sparkly catsuit and a damn wig is finna ‘Bidi Bidi Bom Bom’ her way into his simple ass life. Give it a chance, I know you a young genius but live a little,bitch. He’s gonna be there.”

Yaa chuckled in confusion, “Neesh you dumb as hell for that. Also, you sound pretty confident that he, whoever he is, is going to be there. Please God don’t tell me you’ve played matchmaker again. Bitch I swear to God I’m slappin’ the shit outta you and that’s on muvas.”

“I’m sorry,sis, but I couldn’t let this one pass. He’s the sweetest and most down to earth guy ever. He just graduated with his Master’s in acting in the spring.” Neesh replied.

“Where?”

“Yale.”

Yaa’s reluctant spirit began to soften. “How did I miss him? Is he Black?”

“Bitch, I oughta choke you. Of course he is! Now I must warn you, he, too, just got out of a relationship and he’s never been with a Black woman before.”

Yaa side-eyed Neesh. She knew deep in her heart that Neesh was trying to help. While she appreciated the notion, Yaa was very reluctant to throw herself back into the dating market after her break-up three months ago. “Ok, but please know that you’re still on indefinite suspension from the position of matchmaker.”

The last time Neesh played matchmaker, Yaa’s ex, Quincy ended up being bout crazy as hell. He was very charming, yet manipulative. Yaa was many things, but being to put up with Quincy’s shit wasn’t among them.

At this point, Neesh was begging: “I promise you, K, this one is so much different from Quincy. I’ve been observing him since we started the program. He’s amazing; if I wasn’t such an amazing friend and he hadn’t been in a relationship, I woulda kept him for myself. But I decided not to and we wouldn’t have worked. I know I fucked up but please give this guy a chance.”

When Yaa met Neesh , Neesh was in her final year in Yale’s Theatre program. Neesh was a graduate assistant and the creative genius behind every Yale production. She mastered everything: makeup, costuming, wigs, lighting, you name it. However, she loved costuming and makeup. The two met at an Alpha party the semester Yaa arrived to Yale. Being that they were both SGRho’s and had much in common ,the pair had basically been inseparable since their first conversation. Since graduating, Neesh moved to New York where she became the Creative Director for an off-Broadway theatre company.

Yaa felt sorry for her friend pleading the way she was. Yaa wanted to be stubborn but something was telling her to meet this mystery guy. She finally broke her contemplative silence: “What’s his name,sis?” Neesh was radiating with joy. “His name is Winston. Winston Duke.”

Yaa’s eyebrows went up in curiosity. “Hell kinda name is Winston?” Yaa asked as her head fell back in laughter. Yaa was now wondering what this Winston character looked like. He clearly had to be attractive, or else Neesh wouldn’t have given him a second thought. This was definitely a move of redemption. As the two friends took pictures, Yaa began to get excited about meeting that Winston fellow? Was he tall? Was he Greek? She’d figure out at the ball.

10:54 p.m., The BYAA Ball

The function was going up by the time Neesh and Yaa arrived; that was the plan all along. The vibrations of the loud music pulsated against the walls and floors of the venue. Waves of excellence and Black splendor filled the room.The pink and purple lights juxtaposed the white curtains and couches throughout the club in which gave the space an inviting and jovial energy.

The DJ was blasting that good shit and everyone was going up.

All eyes were on the pair; Donna and Selena were in this bitch and everyone took notice. They took pictures at the photo booth and went their separate ways to socialize with their separate circles. Yaa was the belle of the ball; the moment she walked into the room, Winston saw her and let her and her tight ass purple ass catsuit Bidi Bidi Bom Bom her way into his heart. He watched as she basically floated across the room,socializing with everyone that knew her. Then she smiled. Winston was slightly turned on by the warmth and calming beauty in this Cinderella girl’s candy apple red-colored trillion dollar smile and angelic glow of her caramel hue.

“Wow”, he thought to himself, “She’s a vision of beauty...is that—is that a dimple? GAH!!! It’s just one? My God, she’s perfection. She’s so fuc—GET IT TOGETHER, DUDE!” If there were a control center operating his brain right now, they’d be in overdriven crisis mode. Never had Winston ever felt butterflies for anything other than maybe an audition, but here he was, falling madly in love with a girl that just walked into room. Then she turned around—my God. Winston just about died. Winston wasn’t a guy that obsessed over body features on a woman, but trust Khalida Abdullah’s ass was too much for him.

“Well,I’ll be damned; this tree ass nigga here fine as hell! If he keep looking at me like I’m a jug of water, he gon’ have to buy me dinner. Mmm! Chocolate ass. ” Yaa mentally stated.

The man in question was a rather tall individual. He was clean-shaven, a beautiful milk chocolate toned and had a rather ambitious,yet shy energy about him. Judging by the outfit, Yaa figured he was dressed as Don Cornelius. While he was looking away, she saw him smile and saw only one thing: a gap. Yaa was mysteriously obsessed with gapped teeth, especially on guys. She didn’t know this man from Adam, yet she was feeling him from a distance.

Completely entertained by the mutual eye fucking before them, Neesh and one of Winston’s colleagues and friend, Lupita, smirked to themselves as they mentally devised a plan to get Yaa and Winston together. “Peet, we better not be thinking about the same thing.”,Neesh remarked with a smirk. Lupita chuckled,”Yes. They need to be next to each other. She’s perfect for him!” The friends gravitated towards their gentle giant of a friend. Winston looked at them with confusion,”What’s up, ladies?” Lupita and Neesh looked at each other before Neesh spoke:

“ You remember that lawyer friend I was telling you about?”

Winston nodded,”Yeah, I remember. You never confirmed nor denied if she was cute. I’m still waiting on your answer,Tanisha.”

Neesh rolled her eyes, “ Boy, shut up and follow me.”

The thought of finally meeting Neesh’s lawyer friend made a usually calm Winston a little anxious. The walk across the venue made his chest tighter the closer he got. He still didn’t understand why he was so nervous. His loud friend didn’t settle his nerves either as she practically yelled towards her lawyer friend.

“AYO, K.D.!” Yaa almost got whiplash from turning her head at the rate in which she did. Her eyes widened as the fine guy she was looking at earlier was coming towards her. Her heart almost stopped when he stopped in front of her. He was much taller than she’d imagined, but you wouldn’t catch her complaining. Sis was completely shook. Neesh cleared her throat louder than normal to break the two from the trances they were in.

“Wow. You’re tall.” Yaa stammered.

“Nah, I’m Winston.”, he replied as he smiled and shook her hand. She was NOT about to be out-pettied by this man. If it was a petty war he wanted, then by all means a petty war is what he was going to get.

“Wow, that was corny. That’s what they teaching y’all in the theatre program now?” Winston’s heart fluttered as Yaa’s Southern accent got the best of her. It only came out when she said certain words or phrases.

“Ok, Elle Woods, I see you got jokes, too.”

“One, my name is Khalida Abdullah. Two, coming from a nigga named Winston, I know you got jokes.” Both Lupita and Neesh were damn near on the floor laughing at the exchange. They both knew Yaa was going to win this fight.

“I’m glad they taught you how to be observant in law school.”

“Yeah, of fucking course. You seem to be pretty damn good at observations too, nigga.” Winston was shocked. His train of thought stopped as he realized his attempts at sneaking looks at her failed. He hid his shame and defeat with a rather stoic stare; Yaa returned his stare with a petty stare. After what seemed like forever of staring at each other, Yaa walked closer to Winston and signaled for him to match her height. “You actin’ like I didn’t see your tree ass eye-fucking me all night from all the way over here. Yes, I’m short, but that doesn’t mean I don’t peep shit, Big Fella. I’m about to head to this here cash bar. You coming or not?” Yaa whispered in his ear. She walked away with an extra pep in her switch. She wanted him to know that the ass he was staring at all night wasn’t restrained by the confines of a Spanx. He followed her like a little puppy.

After getting drinks, they began talking; their connection was instant. He found himself making jokes just to hear her infectious laughter. She found herself falling in love with his gap-toothed smile and hearty laughter. They discussed each other’s costume and found many common interests.

“So you’ve really been a Selena fan your entire life?”, Winston inquired, “ I just saw the biopic two years ago and I’ve been a fan ever since. I don’t speak Spanish, but her music is everything.”

“Yeah. When my dad was teaching me Spanish, my personal goal was to translate Selena songs without a translator. It also improved my Spanish skills before I needed them.” Yaa answered.

“So you’re fluent now, yeah?”

“I’m fluent in four languages.”

Winston was shocked, “Seriously?!”

“Yeah, there are a lot of things, you’ll learn about me.” She winked.

Suddenly, “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” came on. The DJ acknowledged Yaa as she made her way to the dancefloor, mic in hand. The DJ started the track back again. Yaa transformed into her idol and the force of the Tejano Queen was with Yaa. She glided as she danced around the dancefloor. Winston watched in amazement. When she finished, the crowd erupted into applause and cheers. Winston was the first one to greet her she left the floor. He told her how amazing she looked and how he felt like Selena was on the floor.

For the remainder of the night, Yaa and Winston talked on the balcony of the venue in the cool nighttime October breeze. They exchanged numbers and social media handles as they walked towards Yaa’s car. He almost stepped on her to get the door for her. “I’m sorry, but you won’t touch that handle, at least when I’m around.” Yaa looked at him with a shocked expression on her face. “You sound pretty confident you’re staying around, Mr. Duke. Tanisha didn’t tell you I drop niggas like a bad phone call?” Winston smirked. “She did,but that doesn’t apply to me.” He closed her car door and waved as she drove away.

When Yaa finally got home, Tanisha was on the couch waiting for her.

“BITCH! You got that nigga in love with your little ass.” Neesh interjected as her head fell back in laughter.

“Whatever. I hate to say it, but you were right: he ain’t that bad. Quincy could never.”

“Yeah,yeah. Thank me at y’alls wedding.”

Yaa rolled her eyes. “Bitch, fuck you.” she laughed. “We have a date in three weeks.”

Neesh’s eyes and grin grew wide. “A WHAT?! Does he know you’re in D.C. now?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t know how my situation would be.”

The two talked about their night and how boo’d up Yaa was. Though she wanted to deny it, her glow and goofy grin were saying otherwise. “I think it’s him.”

The The peanut butter to my jelly:

@great-neckpectations @randomwordprompts @blackgirloneshots @babygirlofwakanda @kumkaniudaku @royallyprincesslilly @eriknutinthispoosy @teheeboo @texasbama @wakandan-flowerz @soldierandawar @summertimesadnesswithadashofsass @vanitykocaine @sarahboseman @niquelafleur @blackpantherismyish @pastelastronomy24

#AtFirstGlance #DestinedToBeDuke

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sapphicscholar · 6 years

Link

A/N: Here are letters from the past few chapters as I’ve been traveling and couldn’t post

Chapter 85:

April 27, 2012, 11:54pm

Alex…

Look I get that youre trying to help and shit but just…you’re not ok? It’s cute or whatever that youre so convinced that I’m getting into these places and shit bt we’re not all you. We don’t all get to be doubkke doctors from fucking Stanford. Being smnart and fit and caring doenst mean shit wen you don’t know the right ppl/

I still love you but stopl.l k. Maggie

---

April 28, 2012, 10:03am

I feel like death. This is what death feels like. I am too old for this. I am also sorry. I…you were trying to help. And I know you were. It’s just…that’s not…if we were together in person this would’ve been easier. But you just kept going, and it’s not the way—it just made me feel worse. Because, yeah, maybe I should have gotten in. Maybe. But I didn’t. And knowing that…it doesn’t make me feel better, Alex. And knowing that I can’t get into a fucking cop academy when you’re off in extra fancy grad school getting an MD and a PhD at the same time…it really doesn’t feel like you can actually relate. And I know you said you’ve struggled with coursework and not getting results in your lab and stuff, but still. You’re at Stanford, Alex. You’re at Stanford, and you’re brilliant, and you’re going to be wildly successful, and more and more it’s feeling like I’m just sitting here proving Emily right—that this was the wrong track. That I should have gone to law school and done something that will look good on paper and impress the right people and make me good enough for people like you. I don’t know. But still. You don’t know those things. You couldn’t…I shouldn’t have expected you to know. I’m sorry for last night. I should have waited until this morning to reply to you. Just give me another day or two to start feeling like myself, okay?

Love,

Maggie

---

April 28, 2012, 11:17am

Alex… I just finally stumbled outside and found a big ass care package sitting on my doorstep. There are chocolates (that are a little melty from the sun but still delicious – I checked) and pastries and a brand new bottle of the wine I got us to share from Paris. And a note signed “the better Befana.” How…how in the world did you manage this? I really, really don’t deserve you.

---

Chapter 86

April 28, 2012, 9:58 am

Dear Maggie,

Please don't beat yourself up about it. I appreciate the apology, but I...my memory isn’t so short that I’ve forgotten how awful I was to you when I was inching my way out of the closest. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and it’s really easy to lash out when things that you thought you knew about yourself are coming under fire. I was trying to help...but I wasn't supporting you in the way you needed.

I’ve always been the person whose first instinct is to fix things that are broken. It's not an approach that works for all people or all situations. But for Kara, who’s been the most important person in my life for ages, it *is* what worked, and it was what she wanted, so I forgot about people like my old best friend from high school who used to get so angry when I’d offer solutions instead of just listening and commiserating and reminding her that she deserved better. I just...I always assumed that when people talked about something that was wrong it was my job to find a solution, but it’s not what everyone wants. Thank you for telling me that you needed something different. It didn't feel particularly good to get that first email, but I get it. I want to learn how to be the girlfriend you need. I want to support you because you deserve someone standing in your corner. It's tough, you know, not being able to see you or hold you, so I'm happy that you felt comfortable enough to tell me that what I was doing wasn't working for you. I want to be better because I want this—what we have together—to be a thing that works going forward.

It’s hard to admit because there are things in my life that I don’t—I can’t—I just don’t talk about, you know. There are portions of time where nothing has gone right, and I’ve felt like a failure. There are things I don’t get to talk about, but shit I carry around. And I think I...bristled at the idea that I couldn’t possibly relate because of them, even though it wasn’t like you’d have any reason to know. But in the sense you’re talking about in your emails, you're right. I don't know what some of these things feel like. My parents were scientists (Mom still is), and that made things...easier? Sure I've worked my ass off in school my whole life, and I’ve had to "make my own way" or whatever to get into this particular program, but I always knew I could, say, intern in so-and-so's lab because if my parents didn't know them they probably knew someone who did. It made things...not easy, but definitely easier. And I don’t...I wasn’t thinking about earlier in life. My life changed in high school, but I never had to worry about a lot of the things you did, and that—I imagine that makes a difference.

I do think I have some insight into doubting that you're on the right path because of someone else's expectations. I'm not going to lie, Maggie, you're taking a risk with this. But you'd be taking a risk pursuing a law degree, too. You'd be risking unhappiness and a sizable amount of debt for something someone else is telling you to want. And the two programs at the top of your list—DC and National City—they’re the ones I heard you speak about with so much passion. They’re the ones that are recognizing aliens as an important population that requires unique understanding. And you understand that and care about that, and it’s all so important, Maggie. It means a lot. And the part of me that wants to fix things wants to tell you that the no from Chicago is a sign that you were onto the right path with those other two cities because that’s where you’re gonna make the biggest impact and help the most people going forward. But I don’t know if that’s what you want to hear.

I don't know. I think we convince ourselves that if we don't have everything we want right now, we're absolutely never going to have it? And that's not true. Life is long, and we're still young. For every fresh-out-of-undergrad 22-year old in a masters or PhD program there's an older student who is taking classes to further their career or start a new one entirely. And those things can be good—not just a mediocre whatever thing, but an actual good. I don’t know. It matters to know something other than the one thing you’re doing because it helps you know that you didn’t just choose something because it sounded right or like the thing you should want. If we went by that logic, you might be miserable in law school, and I definitely wouldn’t have a girlfriend I was head over heels for.

In the interest of saving us from more miscommunications, can we Skype? It’s not as good as face-to-face, but I think it might help to at least see yours? And I want you to see how sincere I am when I tell you that you, Maggie Sawyer, are going to make a difference no matter what, that you’re going to change lives and the whole fucking world because you don’t carry that much passion and care and raw strength around and just let it hide. You’re incredible and you deserve to be told that every day for as long as you’ll let me say it—for as long as it takes until you believe it.

Love, Alex

Chapter 87

April 29, 2012, 12:06pm

Dear Alex,

Thanks again for the long Skype call last night. I’m sorry for crying as much as I did...that was mildly humiliating and definitely not something I’ve ever really done in front of someone else. So, uh, yeah, thanks for not laughing. And if we could never bring it up again, that’d be cool too. Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps (at least now I have an excuse for half that crying, right?), and I’ve barely slept, and I’m totally out of groceries because I was supposed to go out yesterday or Friday but those days sort of went to shit as far as productivity, and I just want hot tea and a heating pad, and honestly I’d love to be cuddling with you, and maybe there’ll be a day in the future where that’s a reality. But for now I’m just gonna to reread your letters and take Advil and hope I can doze on and off or something. Maybe I’ll watch Pride and Prejudice and hope I dream of you.

Anyway I don’t know I just love you and I miss you a lot right now and wish you were here or I was there and we could be curled up together and stuff. But now I sound whiny and needy so I’m gonna go.

Love, Maggie

P.S. This was all supposed to be about seeing if we could push Skype from today to tomorrow because I think I might be miserable company...even more so than the past few days. But yeah let me know.

———

April 29, 2012, 7:01pm

Alex...

I found a very peppy special someone outside my door a few minutes ago clutching bag with a heating pad, mint tea, and enough chocolate to feed an army. I’m gonna let her take over because I think she wants to give you her explanation before I hit send.

Before I go though: 1. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone, so please don’t worry. I understand why some of these things aren’t secrets you can just have out in the open, and I think maybe I have a little more insight into those times you talked about feeling like you were failing or being asked to do so much more and not keeping up, even if you couldn’t speak about them. Carrying around something like that takes a lot of energy and work (physical and emotional), and I want you to know that I see it and appreciate all that you’ve surely done over the years without any recognition. You’re amazing, Alex. You’re one of the good ones, and there aren’t too many of them. 2. You’re both incredibly sweet and totally didn’t have to do this but I can finally breathe in deeply with the heat so I’m not gonna complain

Love you, Maggie

Um...hi Alex!

It’s a long story... Ok not really. It’s just, I’ve never gotten to see Maggie, you know? And I thought she’d be pretty happy about the care package, so I just wanted to see her reaction but then one of her neighbors saw me, and I got startled and made a noise and then Maggie saw me. Guess you had shown her my picture, huh? Cause she did not buy the “new neighbor” line. Anyway she’s even prettier in person than she was in the pictures on her Facebook! Also did you hear, she got into the DC police academy today! Isn’t that so great? You should be so proud!

Please don’t be mad, okay? I’m gonna hang out and chat with Maggie for a few minutes before I head back.

Love, Kara

———

April 29, 2012, 7:38pm

Hey Alex,

Kara mentioned that she told you about the DC news. I wasn’t keeping it from you, I promise. I only found out an hour or two before Kara got here, and I had kind of wanted to tell you over Skype. But I’m not mad at Kara or anything. She didn’t know. We’re having a nice conversation now about alien rights and experiences, and it’s reminding me of all the reasons why the National City and DC academies were so attractive to me in the first place. Guess what I’m saying is maybe you were right about that first rejection being a sign.

Skype tomorrow?

Love, Maggie

Chapter 88

April 29, 2012, 12:39 pm

Hi Maggie,

First of all, congratulations!! That’s amazing! I’m so glad that all the hard work you’ve done is paying off. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the DC program would be a great fit. A selfish part of me is still holding out hope for National City, but I’m proud of you regardless. That’s really awesome, Mags. Honestly. (Plus, DC is still a shorter flight than Italy!)

Second of all, I’m…well, at the end of the day, I’m happy that you got to meet Kara—the real Kara. I wish I was just being paranoid, but this isn’t something we should discuss over email. It's…you are basically the only person outside of immediate family that knows. You should understand how dangerous it is—and not just for her (I know you get the dangerous realities for her out there—after all, it's what you want to do, right?), but it puts you at risk too. And I won’t see another person I love hurt because of it. So just…we’ll talk, but I need you to understand that secrecy here isn’t just a matter of consideration; it’s about safety and security.

I trust you. You’re dedicated to civil rights and care about the community. So please know that when I say this I’m saying it as Kara’s older sister and not as your girlfriend, but I will protect her at any costs.

I will want to talk about this a bit more during our Skype date tomorrow, but really I want to use the time to celebrate with you. This is a huge accomplishment. Also, I hope you’re feeling better! I know Kara probably gave you enough chocolate to last for days, but sometimes even chocolate isn't enough.

See you tomorrow! And congratulations again!

Love, Alex

(do make sure to check out this last one on AO3 as there are visual elements not included here)

#sanvers #letter fic #alex danvers #maggie sawyer #long distance relationship au #supergirl #fanfic #co-authored fic #ao3feed

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