#like I've been neglecting taking care of myself and its at the point where its affecting me negatively | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

katyspersonal · 7 months

Text

/internalized biphobia vent

I have been feeling pretty bad about something else for about a month now, but I've been trying to neglect it hoping it would go away on its own.. did not help that I do not know who TO talk about it with. And I know ever since I've split with arguably the closest person I've ever had in my life, I've been having multiple identity crisises anyways, trying to remember who WAS I before them.

But, while I've been psychologically vulnerable, takes like "why women say they're bisexual and then never show attraction to women" got under my skin...? You know how acknowledging the fact of breathing makes you lose the 'automatization' of this process and you start paying attention to it? This is kinda what happened with me and attraction to women (and female characters, since as an autist I interact and explore myself vicariously through fiction 80% of the time). I've been attracted to women since childhood and even before I knew being gay or bi was a thing, I've been expressing that attraction since then and until this point without thinking about it; but now I started to think about it. Noticing it, in the same way as trying to take breaths intentionally. Have I been liking men (male characters) """too much""" recently, to the point of not seeming like I like women too? Have I mentioned liking at least one girl? Have I fantasized about wlw relationship today?

So since I've "forgotten how to breathe because of acknowledging the fact", it started to cause me severe discomfort. It used to be automatic, but stopped being so. I've just listened a little too many takes having to do with not really liking / caring about the girls. The side effect though is even worse? Honestly? I am struggling against the idea of "requalifying" as either a confused heterosexual or a confused lesbian upon figuring out which gender I like """more""" and repressing other attraction. ...except this is NOT how it works, this is how it will NEVER work, and it has NEVER worked this way and sexuality can't be changed (otherwise all the homophobic parents would've been able to influence their gay kids lol). Yet I started to perceive that weird "limit" of liking men, and how much, past which I should remember to like a woman...? I feel like 'not bi enough' if I do not """balance""" the attraction between genders and thus embarrassing myself with liking men. I feel... "dirty"? No matter who I like now? And declaring myself 'straight now' or 'confused lesbian' feels like an escape I am yearning for. I have insentive for both; I initially liked women and attraction to men was something that came to me much later in life, but it doesn't feel "internalized" so what if at some point I was "reborn" on my own terms?

All in all, this discomfort just won't go away. I guess with feeling like I am 'not enough', I am also feeling 'invisible'. Like if no one will "believe" me that I am bi if I am not "proving" it. I start to understand why many people prefer to put up a flag for their identities or put them in the bio. I decided against it because I want to prove a point that it should not matter. That people should not care what my gender or sexuality is, but only should care about what I say or my art or all that. So, if it should not influence how people will perceive me, then I should not address it right off the bat but instead only bring it up casually. And yet, I start to understand the stress of being "invisible".

Sigh.. I guess I just need to recover that sense of inner piece where I knew who I was and was content with it, and perception of others didn't matter. The period between losing an extremely close person and healing is full of need for validation because I've forgot how to be an individual, so sure I have a crisis, and not just one. It is no one's fault if their expression of genuine confusion could destabilize someone online...? It is virtually impossible to control the stereotypes or confusion people outside of [identity] will get. But, it IS possible to control the level of how much social validation is needed. I am just really vulnerable to questioning of my identity for now, and it is up to me to regrow that confidence and inner peace.

#personal #bisexuality #it was going to be a cry of despair but as I was writing it down I actually came to a sorta optimistic conclusion...?#like... I just know it will be fine #I have many things to recover and a skin thick enough to not let such things get to me is one of them #still I am sure I am not the only one who would find themselves in this spot?

7 notes · View notes

cheshire-castle-library · 9 months

Text

Long personal post but TLDR:

happiness is stored in the neon gay pyromaniac, and I have yet to unlearn the "Good Little Girls Are Disciplined and Helpful, Regardless of Their Opinions, Needs, or Pains" Southern Christian mentality and I'd really like to.

This really is so dumb!! I've been in like a multiple day depression, brought on by school and I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't even bring myself to post "semester started" studyblr stuff, I mean I took a picture and then decided "yeah this isn't worth it" and was like getting to a point that nothing was worth the effort. Which is, you know, really really bad when you are in higher education, where everything takes effort - and especially being neurodivergent, which makes things take extra effort because the world is not made for us.

But you know its friday night, and I took the time to make my dad a margarita because he's had a hell of a couple weeks and he needed the care, and while I was at it I took the time to make myself boba, because a friend was showing off her boba and boba sounded really good - but since its flooding out here, i can't really go out and i really hope the boba shop is closed and the family that runs it is not running it in the flood - so I pulled out the little sauce crock pot we use on thanksgiving and decided "yeah, boba takes time any way, so this will be a really nice treat for the end of the work day", and somewhere along the way something reminded me of Promare, and Promare sounded like a good idea to watch and Promare is one of the 2 main things I ever have brain worms about, so I sat working on something I needed to do that would take time and I'd lose focus on if I didn't have something to watch.

And wouldn't you know it, I had enough spoons by the end to actually wash my face! Which is like the number 1 (one) thing I skip when the spoons are running out. (Face won't rot out of my mouth if I neglect it, so if its between teeth and face on spoons, teeth win; not because the executive functions are working, but because the "failure" of "getting a cavity" and more importantly the autistic "losing something that's mine" hits and I get anxious about my teeth, so there's a little overshare for you.) But like!! It feels like a whole new world right now!!

One of my best friends was like "sometimes you just need to watch the thing that makes the most good brain chemical", and have i just been starving myself of the good brain chemical all week??

So yeah in conclusion, happiness is stored in the neon gay pyromaniac, and I have yet to unlearn the "Good Little Girls Are Disciplined, Helpful and Do The Right Thing (That's Most Productive For Every One Else Around You)" southern christian lesson and I'm not sure how to fix that.

#my big mouth #personal #tmi #promare #neurodivergent #adhd #autism #health #self care #also please note that in NO LOGICAL PART OF MY BRAIN do i believe that tooth decay is a failing #like #we don't really have a ton of control over it #even people who floss and brush every 2 hours have tooth problems #its not a failing #its just a fact of life #but there's a lot of things you internal as a wee baby child that are just Not True #and then your core brain is Like That(TM) forever

11 notes · View notes

anyhs-themes · 2 months

Text

HIATUS (en)

What about my themes? I'm not taking commissions anymore, but all my themes will continue to be available for now, however I'm no longer updating them, so use them at your own risk!

Where to find me? You can still find me on my personal blog (@anyhsalinas). And if you have a theme/HTML/CSS/JavaScript related question for me, as long as it's a simple question I might have time to help you, so send it to my personal blog (here) ONLY. Don't even try to ask about these things on my other social medias where the focus is not coding, please, otherwise I'll block you (I had people doing this before and I get very annoying by that, respect my spaces, please).

Why I'm quitting?

One of the biggest reasons why I loved Tumblr was the ability to customize our blogs however we wanted and turn it into our own space with our own style. And that's why I started making themes for myself and for other people. But over the last years Tumblr has kinda neglected this feature of the platform:

Clicking on a blog through the dashboard now takes you to a default dashboard-like page (this) and not to the customized version of the blog (this), which turned customizing your blog into something pointless because we take a long time customizing our theme only so that it might never even be seen by anyone;

This change also made it possible for people to send me messages without even seeing the rules for messaging me first;

And let's not forget the fact that now we need to contact Tumblr's staff to ask and wait for their permission in order to use JavaScript in custom pages, which makes things so unnecessarily more difficult for people who want to use our custom pages (they say it's for safety reasons, but it's still possible to use scripts on the main theme, so what's the point?).

Let's talk about writing posts as well:

We can no longer use basic HTML codes on posts which made it impossible for me to post tutorials (since it blocks the codes I'm trying to teach) -- which made me need to create a blog on Blogger to post my tutorials there, and have to simultaneously take care of two blogs on the exact same topics, which is kind of annoying;

Also the new post editor has been very buggy for me. Sometimes when I try to copy a portion of the text I'm writting it just won't copy no matter what. Sometimes it will duplicate paragraphs on its own for no reason...

Tumblr has also made some bad decisions (in my opinion at least) over the years of what kind of content to allow in the platform which caused serious problems to the platform itself (as you might have seen in the news around that time), but even before that also caused a big change in its community and the majority of the blogs I loved (the meme, poetry and fandom blogs of shows and bands I like) moved to Twitter (I still refuse to call it "X", lol) and other social medias. So most of what I loved about this platform is gone forever and the only things still keeping me here are the things I have saved in my blogs, my liked posts and drafts (mostly custom content and mods that I found here for The Sims, lol).

I haven't been using Tumblr regularly in... years, actually. Only sometimes I pass by. And I no longer enjoy developing themes for this platform because now, after all these changes, it has turned into something kinda pointless. Also, I've been busy with other projects that are bringing me more joy at the moment, such as my Youtube channels and crafting. So I'm leaving behind this part of my life... I don't like saying this is an end because I can always change my mind. But unless Tumblr goes back to making our custom theme as the main page of our blogs (instead of that default dashboard-like boring page), I don't think I'll go back to making themes for this platform.

But thank you all for your support in this blog and for using my codes through all of these years! Wish you all the best. 💕

— Anyh's Themes (2013 - 2024)

4 notes · View notes

ase-trollplays · 9 months

Text

Things Left Unsaid

Despite two and a half sweeps having passed, Mareth's grave still stood where Thiomi and Corali left it. The land had reclaimed the disturbed ground as thick wild grass and weeds grew where the blueblood was buried, and the makeshift headstone was covered in plant overgrowth from sweeps of neglect. It was doubtful anyone just passing through would have even realized it was there if they hadn't already known to look for it.

Thiomi could feel a knot the size of a brick form in her stomach as she laid her eyes on it. What a sorry state it was in. That alone was enough to bring tears to her eyes. How dare she let her late moirail's grave fall into such ruin. Just further proof that she never deserved her if she couldn't even fight off her guilt enough to keep her resting place presentable. With a sigh, she got to work pulling the weeds and cleaning the large, upright rock that symbolized her headstone. The shallow, unrefined carving of Mareth's name was long faded and barely visible now, but it didn't have to be visible. Thiomi knew it was there, if not physically then in spirit.

It took well over an hour to bring her grave to its former glory, and Thiomi looked it over with a mixture of pride and guilt before taking a seat before it and removing a bagged lunch from her sylladex.

"Hello, Mareth. It's been... a while. I'm s-sorry I never came back after burying you. Considering the circumstances of your death, I didn't think I deserved to. I was s-sure you wouldn't want me here, either."

She removed a thermos from the bag, wisps of steam gently trickling out as she removed the lid and poured some of the potato soup into the cap to sip. The knot in her stomach hadn't budged since she arrived, but she forced the soup down regardless.

"I wish I could s-say a lot's changed in the time you've been gone, but... it really hasn't. At least, I haven't changed much. I made s-sure all your cats went to loving homes, s-so you can rest easy knowing they're being taken care of. ... My matesprit and I are s-still raising Varoll. I wish I'd gotten to introduce you to her; you would have gotten along really well, I think.

"S-Sonja and I are on better terms. His less s-stable half has a matesprit now, s-so he's not interested in me anymore. He bullies me if we happen to cross paths, but I've accepted he's always going to hate me. The other half and I decided to be friends. I'm nervous, but I think we can pull it off, especially s-since he has his own moirail now. I don't know much about her, but s-she s-seems really good for him, so I'm glad.

"I also enrolled in therapy. I've learned a lot about myself... and it's all bad. I have s-so many things wrong with me, things I already knew and... and s-so much I wasn't aware of. Heh, I'm a real mess."

Thiomi took another sip of her soup and wiped her eyes to get rid of the tears forming.

"Corali and I aren't s-speaking anymore. I know you two never got along, and you hated being neighbors with her, but you have a lot more in common than either of you realized. You could have been amazing friends. I know it's not your fault that never happened. Corali hates highbloods too much, especially bluebloods, unfortunately.

"It's my own fault my friendship with Corali ended. S-she came to me for help with her alcoholism, and... and I took advantage of her s-situation for my own gain. S-she reminds me s-so much of you, and before I knew it, I was trying to replace you with her.

"You're both alcoholics, but s-she was trying to quit. S-something I begged and pleaded for you to do. All the help I tried to do for you -- Trying to make you cut down on your drinking, giving you locations and times for Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, making you promise me you would try to get better -- she took it without question.

"At s-some point, it s-stopped being about helping her and became a way of atoning for my mistakes with you."

Tears fell into her cap of soup, which she clenched in her hands and gripped like it was her life support. Pitiful whines and hiccups escaped her as she let herself weep. Thiomi didn't try to stop the tears from falling or wipe them away and instead allowed herself to wallow in utter misery.

"I never moved on from causing your death. Two and a half s-sweeps later, and it s-still hurts. It s-still hurts like it did when we found your body that night. I keep replaying that night wishing I could go back and s-stop myself, and that I would have been more patient with you instead of constantly nagging and pressuring and pushing you to do what I wanted for your own good. I s-should have let it be your choice on your own terms. I s-should have been patient and respected your autonomy.

"I was a bad moirail, and you paid the price for it. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

"But..."

She forced herself to straighten up, sniff back her tears, and wipe her eyes. She looked up for the first time since she took a seat and stared at Mareth's headstone.

"... I know I can't keep s-staying here, s-stuck in the past wishing things could be different. You're gone because of mistakes that I made, and I have to make peace with that and move on. The grief may never truly go away, but I can't let it hold me back anymore."

With a sigh, Thiomi poured her half-eaten soup back into the thermos and placed it back in the bag with the water bottle and the orange she ended up not touching. She placed the meal back into her sylladex and stood to walk up to the headstone. She knelt down in front of it and tightly wrapped her arms around it in a tearful embrace.

"I... I'm s-sorry. I'm s-so... I'm s-so s-sorry. I'll never be able to apologize enough, and I'll never not be s-sorry. I can't change the past, but I can do better not to repeat my mistakes. That's how I'll do right by you."

She stayed silently weeping and hugging the rock for several minutes before she finally let go. She gave the makeshift headstone one last look before standing up and starting to walk away.

"I promise I won't take another two and a half s-sweeps to s-see you again."

#things to read #Thiomi Shiaka #The Weight of our Sins #She made peace with Sonja (Tragedy)#now to make peace with Mareth

4 notes · View notes

yumejo · 1 year

Note

Ok I've been thinking about this for Days now

It's so funny, the way both nazuna and I know how important it is to love someone right

It's so funny how we both know how it feels to be told and/or tell ourselves that we are loved, but we both know how well it hurts us, to be raised without the emotional support that we need.

His parents weren't there. His dad, like mine funnily enough, wasn't physically there for most of the time. (Got up early and came home later for dinner since he worked so much) his mom didn't really compensate for that, else he would've probably mentioned somewhere how she meant a lot to him (she does not, he only mentions what I can presume to be his mom's expectation to be cute, shared among the community probably) nobody filled that gap, while he likely lived a comfortable life, his parents weren't special to him. Of course he knows people have it worse, not enough to live comfortably. But he rarely mentions his parents- in fact, he mentions his religion more than his parents- and that says something about their lack of presence in his life- probably enough to stop him from forming a grudge but not enough to be special to him. And then we all know how the thing with shu went, but this whole topic deserves an essay

Anyways, like him, just sharing to make a point, my parents aren't that special to me, in the sense that I don't have much of an emotional attachment to them. My dad traveled 5/7 days of most weeks for years, only now its weird because sometimes he'll be home for weeks straight and it's so weird. But my mom just doesn't know how to make an emotional connection to me. I get she takes care of my health, takes me to places I need to be, buys me things I need.

But what's in common is that both our parents never got to know us, despite being both only children. And this wasn't meant to be a rant, but a really interesting comparison and perhaps I'm sort of numb to it all

Though where we differ, despite having suffered the same unfortunate situation, is like how we handled it... nazuna chose to explore his inside, who he is, and he's still doing that today. In his search for himself, he met a lot of people to help him realize about himself to build a connection with people he wants to build.

And for me, I look outside- what can I achieve, how can I look for other people to approach me. How can I be cool and successful, so that it's good for everyone to build a meaningful relationship.

It's so starkly different when you look it like that, and of course we both do what the other does (nazuna still looks to achieve and help others, and I still look to discover my relationship with myself)

And it's so interesting that how both he and I understand the effects of doing so, why we're so scared to change without notice, yet why we know we have to grow and that it's so important to know that between us

Sorry for the more deep thoughts I'll be return with silly thoughts soon

some people don't understand the impact emotional neglect can have on a child; just because you provide your child with the physical things they need to take care of themselves, doesn't mean you're giving your kid everything they need. i'm actually super passionate about this sort of thing, as well, but only by extension of my mom and how she was brought up with my grandma (only mentioning it to let you know i can understand 100% where you're coming from, to both you and nazuna).

for you and nazuna, don't you think you two just complete each other in ways you can only fulfill for each other? you understand each other, and nazuna can offer you advice you don't often turn to—and vice-versa, you do that for him!

sometimes nazuna gets wrapped up in the heat of the moment, and loses himself; and who better to remind him once more of who he is than his beloved? the person who's always watching him and others?

and what about you? you got along really well with that person, he seen how you were able to steadily open up, and you should keep doing that. trust in that person, slowly; be yourself one step at a time. and it's okay to fumble, to revert back and hide when you're scared—you came out of your comfort zone, he'll tell you, isn't that something alone to be celebrated?

#asks #and i'm sorry i took so long to answer this! it deserved my full attention and i wanted to give my whole energy!#you can always come to me with deep OR silly thoughts; what else am i here for? ♡#nazuqi #nazuqi my beloveds

5 notes · View notes

mythgrippa-blog · 11 months

Text

Day 0 - rebooting

Hello, call me Mythgrippa! Nice to meet you, the name comes from two fascinations I have, myths and Marcus Agrippa (my favorite Roman). I am currently doing my final year of computer science and I've done a lot, I'll list them out in a different blog post but it was a lot a lot and I'm left with only one semester which I'm quite excited about.

However, I think I must have overworked myself to get to this point, like I'm truly exhausted all the time, can't really focus on my work and having constant feelings of stress and anxiety, I used to be a stallion programmer but I can barely write a few lines of code and not feeling mentally overwhelmed.

This morning, like in the night I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep so I went online and got a bit too curious and searched up why I'm like this and found an online blog post which explained all the symptoms I've been experiencing with pin point accuracy.

I'm mentally exhausted, it makes sense because I'm always thinking about whatever school work I have and trying to get good grades, sleeping deep into the night trying to get work done. My performance has been declining, I still get work done but my quality isn't what it used to be. I've also been neglecting self care and not going outside, my skin is starting to show, I'm black by the way and my tone has started feeling... spotty? I don't know, I don't like it. My self confidence has kind of diminished because of it so there's that as well.

So, I still have a lot of work to do, like a software project for school that I'm the leader of, so I have to be the technical lead and also the semester hasn't started yet so I've to prepare for that as well. These are my stressors. I've to stop this mental daemon from running all the time.

To accomplish this, the article I read suggested these 11 solutions

Eliminate the stressors

My stressors would be mostly work, I can't just simply eliminate it because I have to finish this semester, and its not something I can set aside, plus my software project with my group isn't going so well so we gotta work our butts off for that

Work-life balance

Alright, this is part I get because I honestly don't have a life. The closet life I have is the friends I hang out with at school when on break and also the tennis games we go to, but I've mostly been a work person. So, for starters I need a life!!! But where to start... maybe I should start. Perhaps restricting myself to working up to 6 hours or less per day?

I could play video games or watch movies, I mean... hm... I'll try out the other games and watch more TV, I haven't been reading any of my novels or play board games. I'm off Twitter and Reddit, I don't like scrolling mindlessly for hours.

Damn it!! I remember that one of my friends has my board games, no matter I'll just play on ipad, hopefully there are good apps in the app store. I'll see what my other friends have to say. Well I'll see what I will do

Clear your space

I suppose this means I should rid of what doesn't kindle joy, I'm in recess at the moment and I'm back home, I don't have a room of my own so I sleep in my little brother's room (which used to be mine before I moved to uni), the spare that I usually sleep in is occupied by one of my older brothers. This room is a mess and I really can't do much about it other than tidy some stuff but the way things are laid out is just so annoying, so much wasted space. But this isn't my room anymore so I can't really do anything major plus my energy is down the drain.

Schedule (and take) regular breaks

I should take breaks when working, I used to study using Pomodoro and it was quite effective I won't lie but I've lost some of my discipline, at least partly attributed to the main reason I'm writing this in the first place.

How did I go so many semesters without taking regular breaks, not even like five minutes, I'm really a mad lad. I'll try to take at least 5 minutes off per hour, that should make it easier, but what constitutes a break? Doing nothing? I suppose that works

Get outside

In terms of this, I try to go outside but the weather is just so cold, but the sun does feel good but I'm the type of person who likes dark and gloomy weather accompanied by rain and thunder storms, I just really like that, the rain drops crashing onto the roof or window, the warm clothing I get to wear!! Oh my goodness, it feels like a mental refresher because I naturally feel easy and relaxed when there's rain. But I'll try to go out, perhaps a jog every now and then?

Do something new

Something new... well I could really try that, I used to go to the gym but school got so hectic I had to cancel my membership but I think I'll go back since I believe the hardest semester has concluded (last semester was the hardest honestly and I'm glad I made it out alive).

I'll try out other types of sports because I want to regain my stamina and activeness, my right leg though... its fine I'll be fine, I'll buy better shoes and sports gear. I'll try to be healthier, eat my fruits daily, and drink plenty of water.

That's a lot of stuff, how will I manage though? I'll figure it out but at least the idea is there

Reduce screen time

I mean... even though its the start of recess and I'm done with my old modules and the new ones haven't started yet, I'm still checking my emails and notifications, I do have the group project, and I'm doing Computer Science, I need a computer to science god damn it, how am I supposed to reduce that. I'll let this one slide. Because I can't really digitally detox... I'm not ready for that or even see the need to, but I can reduce the amount of time I spend on my phone, no phone time between 10PM and 7AM, that worked before in the past. But as for computer time, yeah I can't really reduce that.

Find positive ways to distract yourself

I used to have this bad habit I'm still recovering, I tricked myself into thinking it could help get the "edge off", I regret it and I'm glad I'm not that person, incase you're wondering its not drugs or weed or alcohol or any bad substances... I've never done any of that, and NO I DON'T VAPE. I'm as a clean as they get, but there's always been something I've been struggling with for almost four years now but I think I've finally learnt to let it go for the better.

You could say it was a negative distraction for myself, but no more of that I just need a positive way to distract myself, perhaps calling up an old friend? I haven't spoken to a number of people, I am messaging someone but they're not a regular person I talk to because of odd response times but I'm one of those people who'll reply as soon as they see your message no matter how long you take because I get people have stuff to do or don't feel like replying at times, its completely normal.

Perhaps I'll start playing games again? But that can get out of hand pretty quickly, actually... having coffee with my best friend can work? Yeah, there are plenty, I'll just ask her (oh yeah, a bit of a rant but I'm a guy, my best friend is a girl so yeah that can be a thing, why don't people get it! Guys and Girls don't have to date to have fun, goodness I hate my class mates, for CS nerds they're sure talkative, they're nice people but JEEEEZ). I'll ask her if I want to be distracted, or my other friends as well

Take care of yourself

I need to eat nourishing food, I ate a lot of KFC and boy it ain't good for ya, but it helps fill me up but I'll try to be better than that and eat better. I'll start eating from this restaurant I frequent they sell some delicious and nourishing food. I'll also try to sleep by 10 and wake by 7, that should be plenty of rest yeah? I will drink water every day, trust me I'm a water freak.

Focus on what you can control

I can't really do everything, so I should be able to tell others what to do, I am group leader after all. I'll see what I can do and what should be done, I'll delegate and try to organize more. So, that the objective is very clear. I'm not a stallion anymore, I can't code for hours on end like I used to, but luckily there's capable members in my group so I'll delegate the work to them and do my group leader duties.

Talk to a coach or therapist

Well that lists everything, I wrote so much without realizing it, this was all in one sitting so I'm impressed with myself. I always did enjoy writing stories, I'm not as creative anymore but when it comes to stuff like this, I have like 3 filled up diaries.

If you made it this far, I'm so impressed with you, thank you for taking an interest and reading my first public blog (I've written so many private ones that I'll never release because I'm so embarrassed plus its useless and uninteresting, like unfinished stories, other diary attempts, blah blah)

Well thanks again you and I'll see you in the next one

#student #computer science #cybersecurity #mental health #self care #self improvement #software design #software engineer

4 notes · View notes

needys-diary · 10 months

Text

Why Doflamingo Donquixote is My Comfort Character:

Beware incoming opinion, not incoming argument. This will pertain to me personally. Plus I'm lowkey venting lol

In reality, Doffy is a well-crafted villain and being in a romantic relationship with his canon character would most likely be toxic because of his puppeteer-tendencies and so forth. In reality, if I were to magically be in the One Piece world I know for a fact that his character would never go for me, but I can dream, right? That's what being a fangirl and fantasizing is all about right?

Ok, so, why would Doflamingo be anyone's comfort character? Many reasons, in fact, he's one of my favorite overall villains. His character and way of handling his business, his kingdom, and being a King, is kind of inspiring to me, even if it is from evil intentions. Doflamingo knows what he wants and he gets what he wants, even if he has to make it happen, to charm or persuade a person or kill for his will to happen. Doflamingo is very organized about how his whole organization worked and he manages it very well. Although he is very controlling and very dominating and perhaps frightening and intimidating in person, there's aspects to his character that you just don't see in men anymore.

In general I mean, I'm not trying to cap all men or anything. It's just I've seen certain marriages and couples in my family and in my life where the wife is willing to support the husband but now is just doing all the work. Like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, even physically, like being the "head of the household" and handling everything because we're so strong and independent, like yes but no. If I have to act like the husband and the wife in any marriage to the point where I'm so stressed and overworked and feel like I'm by myself then what's the point in marrying anymore? Women cant drop down the their gaurd anymore because everything is expensive, and there needs to be 2 acting husbands in order to survive. I get that. But at the same time theres families where the wife feels like shes alone in this, and im not talking about physically or economicslly, like every household is different, its kinda hard to explain...Im single and never been married so I may be wrong or whatever. I admit I don't know what it's like to have a husband, this is just what I've been witnessing.

So what does this have to do with Doflamingo? It's just comforting to think about him when I'm stressed or feel alone. Like, Doflamingo being a King, I imagine him taking care of everything and just imagining this big enormous dominating character taking whatever is bothering me or stressimg me out and making it go away to make me relaxed or happy is comforting for me. It's something he would do for his Doflamingo Family, for example. Imagining Doflamingo taking care of me is a huge stretch because he is very prideful, I mean I'm happy to take care of him. I'd be happy to support and take care of a man who knows how to manage his life, his business, and is a (more or less) good authority over me. Because I don't care how strong and independent of a woman I am, I ideally need a man to be able to take the weight off of me and say "Good job, I'll handle the rest.", "Don't worry your pretty little head about this." Like, I hope this makes sense.

Im sorry to say that I'm not equipped for the same stress that men go through, that people go through in general. Like, I'd breakdown and neglect myself because I just don't know how to handle anything anymore. Sometimes I just wanna quit and be at home, like being a housewife, cleaning, cooking, parenting, etc. is a big job on its own. And now I have a whole job on top of that because the USA is depriving our energy, focus, money, and mentality? Just being single and living is hard for some people. If marriage changes nothing then there's no point, youre roommates at this point. I just feel like the meaning of marriage is slowly losing its purpose and emotional and spiritual meaning.

It's very comforting to know that, not just Doflamingo, but any fictional villian who "loves you" would burn kingdoms for you, kill people for you, do anything to make you smile. All you have to do is give them your attention and love, just sit on their lap or shoulder and look pretty. They're handle all the deep down and dirty work.

I'm not saying I'm looking for a Doflamingo in my life, romantically, but sometimes life is just so difficult that I feel like I need one, yuno? Can doffy use his strings to manipulate the bad things in my life? Make my problems go away? Lol, so, yea. When you're stuck in a hole, u go for the extreme to make yourself feel better. That's just, how I cope sometimes.

So maybe it's a little OOC, but this is just my experience. You don't have to agree with me. I may be wrong. Either way it's comforting for me and Idk lol.

(Wrote this last night and never posted it cuz I knocked out)

#comfort character #one piece #donquixote doflamingo #late night thoughts #villian #anime

6 notes · View notes

cg-saturn · 2 years

Note

i have this thing that happens where I'm not quite big but m not quite small either, and sometimes when i talk stuff comes out funny like it does when I'm little like the babbling n the baby talk, and I don't really understand a lot of stuff, but i'm still big and can do things that i need to take care of. it's like a weird limbo space that's involuntary and i kinda get stuck there for a really long time and i'm not really sure what it means

idk how long you've been in the agere community or anything but i figured from your blog you might have some advice? its totally cool if not, i just figured its better to ask and maybe get some advice than to not try at all? sorry if this is annoying, feel free to ignore it.

Hey there anon! Thank you so so much for reaching out with this! I do want to start by saying I'm not a professional by any means when it comes to this stuff- I started involuntarily regressing when I was maybe around 14 years old, so 6/7 years ago, however I've honestly only recently become more familiar with some of the more elaborate parts of regression/dreaming. I might be able to offer some suggestions, but you should also try exploring some other sources for info on your own when you feel big enough! Please also remember that regression/dreaming is a little different for everyone, and this is all based strictly on personal experience and knowledge. If I mess up with wording or if i dont properly explain something, please feel free to leave a kindly worded comment or send a private message and I'll make any changes needed!! Like i always say, there are no wrong ways to regress as long as you are being sfw and using the time to heal however you need.

Regression/Dreaming happens for different reasons for everyone. I plan to make a longer post on different types of littles at some point soon, but I do want to mention a few things that could be occurring that maybe you could look into!

Recently I've been learning a lot about Middle Space, because I think I've been having similar-ish "symptoms" (for lack of a better word?). Middle space is a form of regression that isn't quite child-aged but is still a regression from your bio age. It's a different age group, ranging from beginning of teen years to only a few years regressed from your bio age. For myself, I think I find myself in a middle-age range of 10-15, where I'm fully functional with things but I feel like I still find myself behaving in more childish ways. I enjoy taking care of Star and others when I'm in a middle space because it feels almost like playing house! It happens to me involuntarily and for long periods of time, and I do believe mine is related to the amount of trauma I endured at such a developmentally important age.

Its also possible that your regression could be splitting itself between ages as a way to heal from related traumas as well. Depending on what your regression stems from, there may be multiple trauma points from your past that need resolution, or your voluntary regression age might be different from your involuntarily age! It could be a good time when you're in this space to try and figure out what caused you to feel this way, if anything did. Maybe you had a conversation with someone that might have triggered it, or even a familiar smell/texture/taste can sometimes do it. If you can try and place your involuntary regression triggeres, it might help you figure out why it's happening!

Another possibility is that you haven't been taking enough time to be little recently. Sometimes if you've been busy, it's hard to take time to bring yourself into a full little space. Having half-regressions happen involuntarily could be a sign that you need to take better care of your regressed self's needs. Maybe try and find some time in your schedule to color or enjoy your favorite little show, and show your inner child some love! Regressing is healthy, and necessary for some people! Don't neglect taking care of yourself just because it seems less important than Big world activities, because sometimes it's actually even more so!

My last thought is actually really simple compared to the others, and that's the fact that regressing is different for everyone! Maybe yours could be evolving from how it was simply because that's just what happens as we biologically age! Just like our tastebuds, our regression can change over time and evolve with what we need. The most important part of this change is just acknowledging it, just taking time to understand your own regression can be a big help!

I'm going to make another post hopefully soon about different types of regressions, but again I'm not even close to a professional on these things so please always double check me if anything seems wrong! I hope this list can help you start to identify whatever it is that's causing you to involuntarily regress. Always remember, there is no right or wrong way to regress, as long as you're being safe and kind. You deserve love and kindness and healing, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with regression.

Pippi Saturn 💕

Dni: k!nk/nsfw, maps, terfs, homophobes, transphobes, anti-agere

11 notes · View notes

omgsquee2001 · 2 years

Text

Chapter 1: The Old Book and the Red Gem: Discontinued

~~~~

"Oh, getting demanding are we?" Bakugou asked. He sighed and nodded. "Fine." Thus, began the story.

It all began in a world separate from the one you, Bakugou and Kirishima lived in now. It was a world where there were no dragons and no magic. At least, that's what you thought at first.

It was a warm, Saturday afternoon. You were walking to the library to do some research on the ancient history of the town you lived in. You opened the door and walked in, your handbag hanging over your shoulder. The librarian looked at you and smiled.

"Ah. Hello again, [Y/N]. Here to check out another book again?" The librarian asked. The librarian in question was a woman named Sasha. She was a woman in her early twenties, and a very kind person. You were a regular at the library, always checking out a book or two. You smiled at Sasha.

"Actually, Sasha, I'm here to do some research. I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of ancient history?" You requested. Sasha smiled and cocked an eyebrow in interest.

"I see. Ancient history, eh? Well," she pointed towards a sign near the back of the library. "If you just follow that sign over there and head to the very back, we have tons of ancient books," Sasha said. She looked back at you and chuckled. "Not quite sure what's back there myself, but you might find what you need if you go looking." Sasha said. You smiled and nodded.

"Alright. Thank you." You said. Sasha smiled.

"Happy hunting." She said.

You walked through rows and rows of tall shelves, littered with books new and old. Big and small.

"Gosh. How many ancient history books do they have?" You asked yourself.

The library felt akin to a labyrinth. You were surprised by just how far it stretched on and on. "Ah-ha! Ancient history." You finally reached the back of the library. You stopped and sighed. "Ugh. More shelves." You groaned.

You were met with rows of old, dusty, neglected books. They looked as if they hadn't been shown any care in years.

You scanned the titles of the books. "Wow. I never knew this was hidden in the library," you said to yourself. You gently took one book off of the shelf, gently looking through the yellowed pages. "These poor books. Someone should really take care of these." You said, putting the book back on the shelf.

As you continued on, the books started to look like they had been lost to time. Entombed in the shelves you were walking through now. A place where no one goes.

"Oh hello," you muttered. It was there, in the desolate, quiet end of the library that you found something extraordinary. Something that would change the course of your life forever. You grazed your finger over the red and black spine of a book. You gently took if off the shelf, holding it in your hands. You noticed that there was a lock on the front of it. Also attached to the book, was a black key. You took the key and put it into the lock. It fit like a glove. You turned the key, hearing the lock click, signifying that it had been opened. The cover cracked a little in protest of not being opened for who knows how long.

It was as if time itself had halted around you as you held this book in your hands. The book was heavy, but it wasn't very sizeable. You slowly flipped through the old and yellowed pages.

"I've never seen this language before." You said, reading over what was written in the book.

It was written in a strange language. Some form of writing that you couldn't quite comprehend. You sighed. "This is pointless. There's no way I'm going to be able to read this." You said. You were about to close the book when something caught your eye. "What the?" You flipped one last page, and gasped in aw. "Oh wow!" There, laid in the pages, was a gem. As red as molten lava.

Your eyes widened. The gem sparkled under the dim lights of the sunset shining through the dust covered windows. You couldn't take your eyes off of it. It was as if it was calling to you.

You reached your hand out and plucked the gem from its home, holding it up into the sunlight for a proper look. You blew some dust off of it that had accumulated. 'Why is something so valuable just sitting here for anyone to take?' You thought to yourself. You hummed and narrowed your eyes. 'Well, I'm here by myself, right now. I don't think anyone would notice or try to stop me if I, just took the gem for myself.' You thought.

But just as that greedy thought popped into your mind, the gem began to glow in the palm of your hand. Your eyes widened.

"W-Woah! W-What's going on?" You asked. It started off as nothing but a little spark. Until it suddenly engulfed you in its light. "W-Wait! Someone help!" You shouted. You gasped for air. You tried to call out for help as the ground disappeared beneath your feet. Your body became completely weightless and all you could see was that blinding glow that was swallowing you. You squeezed your eyes shut, hoping that anyone, anyone at all, would come to help you.

~~~~

You weren't in the library anymore. That was apparent by the sudden gust of wind that flowed around your form like a river. You opened your eyes, but to your horror, you found yourself high up in the clouds. Your breathing quickened as you started to plummet to the ground as the last bit of light faded from the gem clutched in your palm. "Ahhh!" You screamed as you fell to the earth. You stared down at the grassy field below you, getting closer and closer. Then, everything went black.

~~~

//Here's chapter 1. I apologize if it's a short. I promise the best part is yet to come. I was curious: So, in the YouTube series done by Yuzuya, the listener doesn't have any powers when they enter the other world. Would you, as the readers. like me to keep it that way, where the reader doesn't have any powers, or would you like me to write in that the gem gives the reader powers? Please let me know what you all think down in the comments.//

#find your way back home #kirishima x reader #bakugou x reader #kirishima x reader x bakugou

15 notes · View notes

cielhunternorwood · 5 days

Text

Another Bit of Rambling

I feel like taking some time to write out some self-reflection and issues, given that I'm getting bogged down a lot lately by things that make writing a bit hard (though thankfully I can still crank out silly videos about Gray Raven).

So, a little bit of knowledge about me that I'm comfortable enough to share, I am the youngest of three children whose parents divorced very early in my life. Due to circumstances, custody of course ended up with our mother who is, to keep it brief, a manipulative self-centered bitch.

I've heard people say things about how the youngest is always treated the best in families, and I will say now that it is the furthest from the truth, at least for me. I was treated the worst, often given hand-me-downs, and always expected to measure up to my older siblings in terms of school performance.

The problem is exacerbated by the handling of education that I won't detail, but there was a time when I did meet those expectations. At the time, though, it still felt like I was disappointing the mother due to "not being perfect." Thus, I developed learned helplessness. Despite always doing my best and trying to be self-sufficient, it was never good enough for her. It even led to me having panic attack dreams: bringing in a perfect, straight-A report card but still being yelled at for seemingly no reason.

Let me reinforce this a little. Learned helplessness is EXTREMELY difficult to overcome, especially if it's something from early in life. It is doubly so when you're constantly trapped in situations or occupations where you're overlooked in spite of the incredible amount of effort put into whatever work is your responsibility.

This has led to more than just problems maintaining good work ethic but also taking physical care of myself. That kind of lack of attention has caught up a lot in the last few years, and it's caused its share of issues. I accepted a lot of this due to a huge lack of self-worth caused by these issues.

Nowadays, I definitely have a much better work ethic and try better to take care of myself, but the heavy anxiety that comes from all of that is still there. It has a habit of resurfacing thanks to issues at the current job where I'm being discriminated against by the store manager for reasons I still don't understand.

The combination of anxiety and physical stresses due to lack of care takes its toll and makes the problems at work so much more impactful because there's just too much going wrong in my life and around me. Naturally, this sometimes leads to me just potato-ing into video games and not doing anything actually productive with my off time.

Thankfully, the Average Player videos are actually doing okay, so it feels like there's some actual feedback on things I've made, even if they're just silly short videos with music slapped over them. It's bringing in some more motivation to work on things, but the problems and anxieties are always there.

Again, this is probably one of the hardest psychological issues to overcome, and with a past of dealing with some shady psychiatrists who misdiagnosed me with depression and what-not, it's something I'm slowly overcoming by just making whatever I can and throwing it out to the world.

I'll always appreciate when I worked on the October's Run comic, despite being very spotty on later uploads for it, because it felt like an actual accomplishment. That's also why I don't want to completely abandon it, instead remaking it into something different and in its own universe.

Slowly, I'm taking the "it will never be good enough," that I learned as a child and turning it into "It's good, and I'll get better over time." It's been a very long process, with a lot of giving up in the past, but I've reached a point in my life where I'm tired of giving up, where I know I'm worth far more than that self-centered bitch made me feel.

Even if the results of my own neglect, self-inflicted or otherwise, are catching up more, I'm just glad to finally be in a position where I'm able to push myself to make something and receive some recognition, no matter how small it is.

As of right now, my writing is focused on something outside of but related to OR, because I have a rather ambitious idea to combine it with a much older writing idea that I had to put on hold for several reasons. I might make a post talking a bit about it, but right now I'm doing a lot of character work before doing anymore actual writing. As with any story, the most important aspect is the characters, so I need to make sure they're solid first.

I haven't given up on any of it. It just might be delayed by life hitting me really hard lately. I hate to say I'm used to it, but I'm learning how to punch back. Here's hoping I land a winning punch sometime soon.

#self reflection #writing #sorry it's a bit depressing #no one is sisyphus

0 notes

encodedkismet · 26 days

Text

this will be my one and only post about this. i'm sick of going around acting like nothing happened and that i haven't gotten hurt by people who (whether on purpose or not) tried to take away my power to disagree with their spin on the story.

[very long vent under the cut. i don't expect that many people will read this, but it's here for me to point to if i ever need to. i appreciate anyone who may read, though.]

(the "you" in this post is referring to them, not to anyone reading. if you're not the people i'm describing, you're ok don't worry ❤️)

i am not saying this to get sympathy from people. i am not trying to write a callout post either, so i'm not naming any names and i'm not calling for attacks or anything, or for people to cut you off, and i'm going to do everything i can to get around my own bias to tell the story exactly how it is. and i sure as hell don't give the tiniest mite's shit if you try to apologize or whatever the fuck. the damage is done. i want people to know how i was treated and i want people to hear my side of the story. i'm sick of being afraid that you're going to turn people i care about against me. and i know i've distanced this blog as far as i can from where you can see, sure, but i wouldn't put it against people to send you the link, so whatever. either way i'll talk like you're reading.

and no, you don't get the dignity of me just "letting it go". you don't get that dignity until you understand that what you did wasn't justified and that it hurt me.

i bet you're sitting there growling with the rest of your support system, because you sure had one after all was said and done, unlike me who was fucking lost as hell and would have been much much much worse off if i didn't still have a close friend i could turn to. you took my server and accused me of not giving a shit about it, and then proceeded to completely neglect it for months. i understand life issues get in the way, but there's a hypocrisy there when you can't even spare ten minutes to enlist some temporary mods. every fucking day, i thought about that server and got pissed off every time i was told that nobody was doing jack shit. when i was told that you explicitly said you didn't care anymore. and you still sit on it, i can only assume that part of the reason you stayed instead of leaving like you wanted was to keep me out, and the one thing you'd be right about is that it will keep me out. not because i'm afraid. if it were fear, i wouldn't be fucking posting this.

you accused me of throwing the server and its problems on you, and then running off in the sunshine to run my other server instead. but it was you that pushed me away from it at every turn, kept me away from it, pressured me to give up ownership and give up moderation. you shoved me out of staff, and scolded me when i rejoined and tried to manage the server, and then spat on me when i stopped trying to manage the server. what the fuck ever. i'm done with that. i'm done with that server. i care about it and the community, but you've made it a pain in the fucking ass to associate with it anymore.

i'm just plain pissed off. you talk to me the way you did, then you run off and get the rest of staff on your side by telling people about stressful shit i've been through without permission, just to turn them against me over my behavior when i'm stressed. all fucking three of you have either had peachy ass lives in a cushy home with parents who treated you like an angel, or i have to assume were just resilient enough to not suffer all the ill effects of any trauma you may have. i'm not saying you don't have trauma, but you sure didn't ever show any goddamn understanding of mine.

i went out of my way to communicate. i warned you about my bad traits that i struggle to rein in, and i told you what would help me rein myself in. things like being clear whether you were upset with me or not, understanding that i'm forgetful and scattered at times, and being willing to be patient with me when i'm a bit argumentative when i don't understand where you're coming from or am missing context that i don't realize i need.

a lot of the time you seemed to just ignore it and keep talking the same way, which, fine, i adapt if i have to, it just doesn't feel good. and a few times you actually deliberately used it against me, but i brushed it off because for every 1% of the time you outright manipulated me ice cold, there was the 99% of the time that i felt accepted.

i could be my own self without having to pretend my headmates were just me in a "different mood". all our active fronters at the time got a chance to speak with you, in person, as themselves, with you knowing it was them. and so we had you as our support system, and we didn't feel the need to have any other support system. and wow did that backfire.

you wanted to make it out like i got worse over the summer and fall. and sure, maybe i did. but right now, i feel just as okay, mature, and competent as i did before i met you. i feel like the adult that i felt like when i went overseas, able to follow my own path and go where i wanted without having to ask for a second opinion. so what happened? just as soon as i got back from visiting you, i missed being there with you so bad that it fucked up my view of everything. i already had vented to you so much about my home and family, and you made me feel like i had to move out, preferably to move in with one of you. i couldn't leave, though, but you weren't taking no for an answer, every time i said that i couldn't do it you either pressured more or said something noncommittal that communicated that you weren't going to drop it. and sure, i understand you were trying to help. but i was distressed as fuck over you pushing me, and even when i finally got the balls to tell you to just let it the fuck go, you still pushed the issue until the bitter end, your last few messages to me.

you tried to make it out like if i didn't follow your advice, i would be miserable, and instead of understanding i'm an adult that can make my own decisions, and that you were my friends, not my parents, you kept pushing everything down my throat. i didn't want to fight you on it because i respected you and i felt loved, even if it was a little bitter.

as i got worse and worse because of this pushing, you kept pushing more BECAUSE i was getting worse and worse. i didn't fully realize why, in the end, my gut reaction was that you were the problem, but with distance from you and clarity from my confidants i realize more and more how right i was.

the end of it all was where everything that could go wrong did. you saw my stress and avoidance and treated me like i was either being a little shit on purpose, or neglecting to take accountability and trying to make excuses for it. i was fucking terrified of you at that point. i knew by then that if i didn't say exactly what you wanted to hear i'd get criticized badly for not just... intuitively fucking knowing. i knew that i was being held to an almost presidential standard over a little fucking sonic nsfw server and i didn't know how to cope. i couldn't turn to my support group to help me calm down, because YOU were my support group, and instead of calming me, you seemed to want me to paradoxically both be even more stressed about the circumstances, and be completely calm and rational. every time i missed a detail or forgot something, it was held against me like i was doing it on purpose.

but the worst part - after all that, after everything i told you three, after every effort i made to do what you wanted me to do and keep the peace even though i was confused, afraid, and hurt, after agreeing to give away my server because you didn't think i was fit to run it anymore, after putting up with you moving those goalposts every time you got a little more frustrated with me, you still kicked me down. you lied to me, and while i don't want to accuse you of gaslighting it sure fucking felt like that was what was happening.

you accused me of "conveniently forgetting" things, despite the fact that for a whole fucking year you KNEW that i have ADHD, i have a dissociative disorder, i had depression at the time, and i repeated so so so many times ad nauseam that i know i'm forgetful, i'm sorry, i just need a little help remembering. you accused me of that, which i now find to be a delectable little hilarious bit of irony, for all the times that you just flat out ignored shit i'd said because it went against your ideal for the situation. you wanted me to stay the fuck out of the server; when i stated my conditions for when i would rejoin, and then those conditions were met and i rejoined and said my piece about the moderative decision we made, not only did you try to act like i hadn't ever said anything like that, you also straight up told me that if you were thinking better, you would have hidden it from me that my conditions had been met.

this is the point where i finally understood that you weren't acting out of love anymore. i couldn't call it love anymore. it was control.

the cherry on top was the last set of messages i got before i removed myself. yes, you said some things about my disordered mind that were true, and some things were just your opinion of how i felt. but the way it was delivered frankly pissed me the fuck off. no rejection sensitivity there, i think you'd already lost me at that point. it just pissed me off. you called me a monster, you infantilized me by repeatedly saying i only cared about my own "fee-fees", showed a complete lack of understanding of how my trauma was affecting how i felt. i don't know if you thought that i COULD control myself but refused to, or if you knew i couldn't control it and didn't care and just said your shit anyway.

you thought you could heal me by ripping me into little enough pieces that i'd finally take your needle and thread to sew them back the way you wanted.

you know how i'm actually healing myself? being away from you, and being with friends who are compassionate to me, and who lift me up, and encourage me to go my own way.

i'm healing myself by spending time understanding my autism, my ADHD, my dissociation, my anxiety, my narcissism, my trauma, and letting them be a part of me instead of trying to kill them with a squirt bottle just to be acceptable to you. i'm healing the same way that i tried and failed to heal with you, which is by being open about my """fee-fees""" and surrounding myself with people who actually care how i feel, even in those dire situations, so that i don't ever have to worry if my friends hate me for being me ever again.

i'm healing by letting myself continue to be the parts of me that you wanted me to discard in order to be acceptable.

keep my name the fuck out of your mouth.

#💎✨nyx

1 note · View note

spiritualeden · 2 months

Link

0 notes

stephatersie · 5 months

Text

I've been daydreaming lots. Travelling with my parents has led to my time with myself to be greatly reduced.

Talking to myself, even in a low, soft and hoarse voice has proven to me to have its benefits in the long run. It helps me with control, energy, concentration and even sleep. I know last night, on the 21st-22nd, I slept little by choice.

It's not that I was not tired or wanted to sleep, but I have been longing for some time with myself, away from my parents. It's one of the things I am looking forward to in regards to living in a dorm by myself.

I have complete and utter control of my life. How much and what I eat, my sleep and daily schedule, my way of life, where and how long I workout for.

Of course, the downside to that is that if things go wrong - my grades go down, my weight goes out of control - I have only myself to blame - which can lead to many things.

I worry too much about being a good person. Which also leads to things. Is it selfish to admit I am being nice hoping to be treated, in turn, with kindness?

All of my childhood stories emphasized on kindness out of one's heart, and were always rewarded, and those who didn't were met with misfortune. Of course, this makes sense. If you are liked and you are a genuinely good person who respects people, their person, their privacy, you'll automatically be protected. It's a simbiotic thing, I've noticed. An analogy would be to have a dog want to protect the human that feeds them and takes care of them. If the human dies, the dog will no longer be looked after, and life becomes infinitely harder. If the dog dies, the human suffers a life companian, and will enter a deep grief, which also makes life infinitely harder. It's a win-win. One could argue that their motives are selfish, others would say that despite that being the starting point of the relationship, love eventually blooms.

But what is love? True love. This word is thrown around a lot. Ever since out of the womb, but what is it truly? Does it even exist? Do we control it? Does it control us? If we all dedicate ourselves to a relationship in hopes for something in return - whatever it might be, however, the most often wish is companionship, as social creatures as ourselves fear loneliness more than death itself - can it even be called "true"?

If love represents the simbiotic relationship described previously, true love is only possible if it is one-sided, right? But humans would argue that is an incredibly unhealthy way to view love, right?

When I think of true love - two situations come to mind : parental love, and the love offered by whatever Lord you worship.

Though parental love is tricky. I have come across, and heard of too many parents mistreating their children. Why do they do that? Out of love? What does that say about our perception of love? Neglect? If they would have truly loved their children, this would not be an issue.

So is offering love in our nature or nurture?

I have once read somewhere that the first signs of civilization was a healed femur, because it showed how us humans have abandoned the "Only the strong shall survive" mentality and have started prioritizing each other as a community. Is that what love is? How did we get to that?

This is where the room gets divided into two. On my left, I see those who would put me in a headlock, convincing me with their diabetic chants that we are God's creations and that we are but statues of His made out of Earth. And on my right, pulling on the hypothetical tabel that had spawned in my vicinity for the sake of this entertaining monologue, a sea of words as long as the Ecuator itself, and telling me very respectfully that if I do not understand their data and statistics, I am but a simpleton whose universe and horizons are too small.

That was a joke, people. Which also reveals a glance at my perspective on religion. I am intrigued by its meaning and origins, yet disgusted by its preachers' practices.

If God and His Son loves us unconditionally, and all sins shall be forgiven, why does Hell exist? What's the limit? If there's a limit, can it even be called "unconditional love"?

(Back to the division and my take on it. I believe both parties. I believe that we descent from monkey-like mammals, and that God has played a massive role in our evolution, meticulously picking which aspects shall be modified and how.)

My question is the following : Who wrote the bible?

Because whoever did can be credited with manipulating generations of humans.

And it's sad, is it not? How we are looking for love and we are doing so much to get it. Religion is proof of that. When someone controls your life, your being, it's a huge loss on your part. And yet you do it "for the love of God". I would even argue that many people don't even feel much of a connection with God. Simply they want to apease their community, their family, their beloveds. They want to apease themselves?

Fear is such a powerful emotion. Everyone - everything - feels it. It's what has kept us alive.

#rant post #thinking abt love and religion

0 notes

casspurrjoybell-29 · 6 months

Text

Forging Ties - Chapter 36 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Duran had neglected to ask where Fanner was working these days but he wasn't worried.

If there was one thing every single person would know, it was where to find the person who could save their life in an emergency.

Libby ended up being the first person he came across, leaving The Spire just as he passed it.

She stopped and gave him a sunny smile, her cheeks dimpling.

"Good morning, Duran."

"Good morning," Duran said.

"I was going to be surprised that you remembered my name but then I remembered you can read my mind."

"You know, that's not actually that helpful for names. Most people don't think about their own name very often and I can't just go riffling around in your head and find whatever I want."

"Well, then I'm flattered that I was memorable, I suppose," Duran said.

"Can you point me towards where Fanner is working these days?"

"I'll walk you down myself. I was heading by that way anyway," Libby said as she started walking down the road that led from the base of The Spire towards the town.

"How was your adventure?"

"More eventful than you'd think for less than a week away," Duran said, skimming over events in his mind and trying to avoid thinking about the more salacious moments to try to give her an overview of what had happened more quickly than he possibly could have with words.

Libby smiled as she watched Duran's face.

"This world is beautiful, isn't it? I've been alive longer than anyone has a right to and there's still so much wonder and discovery. I'll have to make time to meet with your new friends. They seem like an interesting group. And Skye... Nim and I aren't close but of course I was aware of him and his story. I'm so happy he finally found what he's been searching for this whole time."

"Yeah. I thought this was just going to be a bit of fun and space to clear my head but the whole thing ended up being really important."

"But you did clear your head as well and that's also important."

"Well, it was important to me, anyway. I don't think my self esteem is that great but I have to be me for the rest of my life regardless, so I'm going to take care of myself."

"Hmm, I like that," Libby said, offering Duran another smile.

"Anyway. Here we are."

The small, single story building they'd stopped in front of looked no more notable than any other.

In the splendorous shadow of The Spire, the simple wooden structures that made up the small town seemed rather underwhelming.

There was a certain appeal to that, though a sense of homeliness.

"Thanks," Duran said.

"I'll put in a good word for you if you ever need a healer."

"Oh, I'm counting on it."

She gave Duran a wave.

"Bye."

The door creaked on its hinges as Duran pushed it open and stepped inside, startling Fanner out of Yore's arms.

They'd been standing in the middle of the room, hugging one another.

They were such a disgustingly cute couple.

Duran was happy for Fanner but he couldn't imagine wanting that for himself.

He honestly wasn't sure what the difference between a healthy relationship and co-dependency even was.

"Sorry," Duran said. "Bad time?"

"No, no," Fanner insisted as he stepped away from Yore.

"I just wasn't expecting you so soon. I know I might have made the situation sound urgent but you can take a day off to rest if you want to. We can manage for another day, I'm sure."

"I'm fine," Duran said.

"I'd rather just get stuck into things, honestly, especially since I don't even know where I live right now. That makes going home to rest a little difficult."

"Things are a little crowded at the moment," Fanner admitted.

"Well, okay. Your job is fairly relaxed, anyway. I usually have three two hour appointment slots a day with an hour break between them, though sometimes I'll have two or even three appointments in one slot if they're only small things."

Duran nodded.

"Sounds simple enough."

"We'll talk more about the system later but mostly right now all I need is someone to sit behind this desk," Fanner patted a large, solid wooden desk.

"And keep anyone who comes in from interrupting me while I'm working. Also, um, if any of the people I'm healing cause any trouble but mostly they're really nice. I just..."

Fanner shrugged.

"You never know."

"Well, I own two knives now, both stolen, so I'm well prepared."

Yore gave him a warm smile.

"I'm sure it won't come to anything like that. As Fanner said, people are mostly very nice but it's stressful for him to be left alone with strangers. Just having someone here who he trusts is what really matters."

"You can read if you want to or bring in other tasks you can do at the desk," Fanner said.

"I don't expect you to just sit there and twiddle your thumbs all day."

1 note · View note

harmcityherald · 6 months

Text

I will probably hit my post limit again today, so before I do lets do a little update coffee vasilation. For my followers? No there are no followers. We are all in the lifeboat together, comrades and not followers.

Cancer continues it's game. The second phase of medicine ended yesterday. How many times I repeat this cycle is of course in their hands. Weirdly the bulk of side effects happen when I take the break from it. So that's what I am waiting for. My wife and me are trying to take it easy and get past our health issues. She's doing ok. Not great, but ok. All in all that's all we can ask at this point.

The same old issues plague me today just as they have for many years. Money of course is always at the center of our problems. Many times I think I will delete this blog and return to the unknown crowd of people. I've opened myself here in ways not many do. My health problems, the familial dramas, the money problems, the struggle to help my sometimes ungrateful youngers in their lives, my battle with my mental health, all conspire to give you, or anyone else the ability to judge me. I don't much care about that, the reason is pretty simple. If someone judges me harshly for things I may have said and did in the past, that is their problem. I have walked through many fires. They don't get to tell me how to live my life. I'm lucky. I struggle but I keep a roof over everyone.... So far. Do they realize I am near the end? Do they know I wrestle with end of life thoughts from minute to minute? Well, as the old pop of the clan I do not let them think this. "Ungrateful youngers" are simply going off my cues. We aren't going to die, not today. I don't have the ego that demands service from them. They will have plenty of time to grieve and to go over all the thoughts and all the things when I'm gone. While I'm here I would much rather spend time talking talking about animals and flowers and space and wonderful blue skies. Keeps me from losing my temper for about being broke from them little bitches raiding my money for of all things door dash. These are little dramas. Its hard to feel anger about them. I remember being young. Lots of lessons to learn. One of them is don't steal a cancer patients money for door door dash until you bounce their account.

I get it from all directions. It goes to show the actual barbaric nature of our society. Been dealing with that forever. Karma is a bitch my children. I hope you deal with it half as good as me. Like little Romans with their daggers at the ready. They are no different than any other american family. Sure my lessons of altruism are there but the lessons of capitalism are ingrained.

They need me. They don't want to. But they need me. They are lucky I look past their ......fuck it . I will say crimes.

I've learned to say no. I've learned to erect boundaries. I've learned to cut people off. I've learned a lot since the start of this thing. This thing called death coming to call. From my unscrupulous employers to neglectful doctors. From friends who were never really friends and family who waits like vultures to take from me what they can. I am alone. And in being alone I find strength. I have no anger or hate I only have quiet strength and I use it every day to help the people in my bubble. That's weather they like it or not. No one enjoys life's hard lessons.

I've had to learn. My bubble is all I really have any control over. It is where my focus belongs. I can read and vote but my activism days are behind me. I have so much on my plate. So you guys do that. You ungrateful youngers.

And get off my lawn.

So I won't delete. Have a look. We have decended into the depths of madness around here. Judge me. I could care less. Learn from me. That's all I could ever ask. Be my friend as I leave this world and not a fucking vulture. I got enough of them.

I'm going to die. I'm ok with this. Its not today its not tomorrow but its there. I can fight that bear in the boxing ring forever But the truth is I can never really beat him.

And that's ok. We all face that. You will someday.

How honest will you be with the world when you do?

How honest will you be with yourself?

Ciao

#stomach cancer

1 note · View note