#like I'm not sure if I have an issue until somebody else points it out

[trans-cuchulainn]

hi! we dont know each other but ive stumbled upon your posts in which you describe your anxiety brain and borrowing trouble from the future and i can totally relate to that. and it sounds a lot like ocd, which i know i have... idk if this would be helpful

sometimes i do see things about ocd that i relate to. i think a lot of the underlying thought patterns and fears are probably similar. i don't think i respond to them in the way that somebody with ocd does, though -- i don't experience compulsions and don't find any relief from behaving in certain ways or performing certain rituals, i just experience profound dread and physical discomfort until i'm able to forget about the thing that triggered the anxiety or i move on to something else

my sister has ocd, which i only learned recently (we don't live together and aren't super close), but again, although i see overlap between our experiences, i think we respond to those triggers differently and find different things helpful/harmful. obviously everyone is different so that doesn't rule out the possibility that i'd also have it, but i think it makes it less likely

generally i think my issues are largely attributable to generalised anxiety disorder, some kind of brainweirds (not sure if autistic or have adhd or both), and a solid dose of complex trauma that contributes a fair amount of hypervigilance and fear to the proceedings which make standard anxiety tactics less helpful

i think all mental health diagnoses are labels we give to certain groups of symptoms rather than like. firmly grouped Conditions between which there can be no overlap, though. some aspects of anxiety and ocd are very similar, and some are different -- the same stars in different constellations. i think i score more points in the anxiety chart, so that's where i am for now, but doesn't mean i'm not experiencing some of the same things, if that makes sense (and it also doesn't mean that some coping mechanisms designed for one condition won't work just because i don't think i fit under that label -- sometimes they do)

#in this current situation i think i'm experiencing a heady dose of needing (and failing) to mask neurodivergence #AND pretend to be cis AND the overwhelming drive to Be Helpful and Be A Good Neighbour which feels existentially important #especially amidst the horrors of the world since i can help with so few large-scale things so the small ones start feeling like proxies #plus the christian upbringing. can't forget that. it's definitely a factor. good samaritan sleeper agent activated at cost to myself #while also being too chronically ill AND too anxious to be capable of handling any of those things on their own let alone all of them #and while logic brain tells me i can just say no. other logic brain tells me that doing so would be leaving a vulnerable person isolated #and compassion brain won't let me do that. but compassion brain needs to apply to me as well and mostly... doesn't #and that's the part i need therapy about lol #sometimes it's not so much religious/moral OCD as having grown up actually extremely religious #they look very similar but the underlying mechanisms and brain patterns are subtly different. #brainweasel hotel

[papakhan]

@lynettethemadscientist replied to your post “Oh actually I think if you only play fallout 4 and...”:

Oh is this about me? I just only played Fallout 4 so far. I’m new to the Fallout series. Are people in fandoms not allowed to enter discourse until they’ve consumed every piece of relevant media?

​I didn’t want to make this its own post but I’ve written so much I kind of have to. I've turned off reblogs but feel free to add to this in my replies.

You put up a sign saying "I don't think raiders can be humanised, change my mind" and then argued with people who tried to have discussions with you. All 3 of the people who tried to engage in a discourse with you gave up and I can see why. You're ignoring their points and talking as if these characters in a video game have agency and are choosing to “dehumaniz(e) themselves” when they don't, they are lines of code written by somebody else with their own preconceived biases. What people are asking you to do when humanising raiders is to think outside of the mechanics of a video game and think about their nuances. What led them to this way of life? What do they think of it? Do they wanna get out or are they happy as they are? Forget yourself as the player character ready and willing to blast their brains out for a second and just think of them as people.

Here's the thing, I like Raiders. That doesn't mean I think everything they do is justified, but I like to think about how they justify themselves, which is something the og Fallout and Fallout New Vegas are very good at. Fo1 and FoNV's raiders are defined and their actions and rationale make sense and even if you don't personally agree you can still understand how and why they came to those conclusions. Fallout 4 and Fallout 3 are some of the worst games when it comes to talking about character justifications, including both raiders and normal wastelanders (and your companions!) Nobody in-game can explain why they're still living in the same bombed-out crumbling building full of skeletons because the writers don't care, they just want their wasteland setting and don't want to think about anything else. You coming in to complain about how "I have yet to see any backstories for the settlers" and how the prewar skeletons and raiders typing in terminals are stealing all the limelight with their "sob stories" when you've only played 1 game out of 6-8 is just silly. I promise you the other games are full of settler stories, it's just the game that you're playing and using as your source doesn't really bother with it.

I also don't have a problem with you only just getting into the series. I promise you that I'm NOT trying to gatekeep or anything like that, Fallout is a great series with a lot of stuff I'm sure you'll enjoy. However what you need to understand is that a lot of the games, especially Fo1 and FoNV are very politically heavy games and unfortunately you cannot engage in discourse with them without stepping on some people's political sensibilities. You acting like there's a hardline between right and wrong and stealing, dealing/doing drugs, and being in gangs are objectively evil things to do just comes across as you showing your ass regarding how you feel about actual real-life poor people who are right now in jail for doing those things just to survive. I don't know if those are actually your beliefs but that's just the nature of publically discussing these topics. Good and Bad, and Right and Wrong are very contentious topics and again you acting like the only thing that makes us human is being able to "*choose* right over wrong" and saying "An important aspect of humanity is self-control" is a bad look. Are you saying that people with self-control issues aren't human? Because that's how you come across.

I wanna finish this by saying I'm not mad at you. I didn't wanna pick a fight with you, hence why I made a vague-post instead of replying directly. I'll be honest with you I made that post because I saw your replies and was very disheartened and disappointed, maybe I shouldn't have made a post when I was emotional and for that I'll say that I'm sorry. However, the reason why I've taken time out of my day to write this huge reply is because I love Fallout and I want people to be able to enjoy it and have as much fun with it as I do, so I want you to understand what other people were trying to explain to you and why it might have felt like the discussions weren't going anywhere.

I encourage you to have discussions about this game and think about it as deeply as you want but you do need to be mindful about what it is you're discussing. This game has plenty to dissect but unfortunately, classism and racism are some of the things hard-baked into a lot of the lore by the nature of how old it is and who some of the writers/devs are. Of course I don't think you're those things, but it's important to me that you know where this comes from, why it's so important to be critical of the media you consume AND why so many people are critical of Fallout's writing especially when it comes to the Raiders. This isn't a You thing, I don't have a problem with you, it's just the writing choices that you're choosing to defend.

#if anyone wnats any part of this post to be rebloggable just lmk and I'll make its own post #txt #dont reblog

[astercontrol]

Callout post for myself

I'm writing this to clear the air about some things. Feel free to ignore if random vague fandom drama is not your thing.

At this moment, I'm not even sure if, or how much, anyone else is even thinking about these issues.

I do not know if, or how much, I may have inadvertently hurt others with the way I was doing things...

Basically...

I'm in a situation where I feel there' s been a conflict with some people. But none of the usual ways of trying to open communication with them feel… right, to me. It would be either DMing without consent, or addressing a post to them in public, and at the moment I don't feel they would be comfortable with either.

(This vagueposting approach is also… not good.)

(But it feels like the least bad option at this point. It won't force anyone to read these thoughts who's already decided they don't want contact with me. But I'll feel a bit more peace of mind knowing these thoughts are, sort of, in the open.)

Anyway.

...Until recently, this is what I had in the "About Me" post on my Tumblr blog:

DNI if: you don't wanna interact. (if I got any problem with the interaction I'll handle it, I'm a mature program with a block button)

I will block you:

… if your views are clearly so incompatible with mine that I don't feel we could ever have any positive interaction

…if we have already had interactions that I, for any reason, found too uncomfortable to handle

…if I see your posts on my dash a lot, but I notice that your blog says "NSFW blogs Do Not Interact" (or any DNI applying to me). I will do this because you don't want interaction from me, and I want to be sure I respect your boundaries and don't slip up and interact.

…(If you have already been choosing to interact with my posts, despite having me on your DNI list… then there's the additional problem that at this point I have NO IDEA how your boundaries work or what's the best way for me to respect them. So, again, I'll block.)

I've taken those words down and am considering something new to replace them. Because… I am trying to make some changes in how I handle these things.

I have enacted this "block people whose boundaries I don't understand" protocol. A couple of times, I think. Once that I remember clearly. Very early in my time on this tumblr account. It was somebody who had liked and reblogged several of my posts, and when I went to their blog, I saw "NSFW blogs DNI" prominently displayed.

This, of course, confused me. I freely admit to being a NSFW blog-- or at least, that I post pretty often about sexual attraction and sexual acts. If this person wanted to interact with me, why did they have a prominent post saying they didn't want interaction with blogs like mine? (And if they just hadn't seen the "NSFW" on my own blog before interacting, why would they expect others to check and see the "NSFW DNI" their blog before interacting with them?)

For the time being, I just... chose not to follow them, and not to go out of my way to interact. It was all I could think of to do.

But the status quo went on for a while: continuing to receive occasional likes and RBs from this stranger, and feeling increasingly uncomfortable about it… anxious that I might accidentally overstep a boundary.

Because… what even were this person's boundaries? How did they define NSFW, and in what circumstances did it actually bother them?

They had no problem sharing my tamer posts, so clearly their taboo didn't include "non-sexual interaction with a blog that sometimes posts about sexual topics." I felt pretty sure they'd be uncomfortable if I tagged them in any of those sexual posts or sent them a sex-related ask, which of course I had no plans to do... But their boundary must be somewhere in between, and it bothered me not to know where.

Eventually, I found it. A mutual of mine (someone else whose blog also openly admits to posting on NSFW topics) had reblogged a post from them.

It was a fandom post, an observation about a fictional character. My mutual had added commentary, but nothing sexually suggestive. I reblogged… and I made the mistake of putting something suggestive in my own additions.

The original poster-- in a move that somehow managed to take me by surprise-- reblogged it back from me, commenting something to the effect of "Don't add horny things to my posts."

And then I …well, I essentially panicked. And made the further mistake (at least, I now feel it was a mistake) of letting my panic response express itself with the block button.

At the time this made sense to me, for the reasons described in the About Me post that I quoted above. I had always agreed with those posts that sometimes go around, saying that it's perfectly valid to block others for your own mental health; that your online experience is there to be pleasant and relaxing, and there's no guilt in cutting off people who don't contribute to those feelings for you.

But later on (as things do sometimes go, over the course of gaining online social experience) I had an occasion to experience this from the other side. And it changed my feelings somewhat.

It wasn't an exact mirroring from the other side of what I'd done. The situation was different in a few big ways. But it did involve a person who blocked me without explanation.

Not a stranger or recent acquaintance. Someone who, up to that moment, had been treating me like one of their best friends-- including me in their private Discord server, replying to nearly everything I said, showing constant enthusiasm for every fan project I was working on. So, the sudden loss of contact felt to me like a totally unexpected double blow. Losing a close friend, and at the same time being implicitly accused of something, with no hint as to what.

What had I done? How had I hurt this person, badly enough to go overnight from friendship to complete non-interaction? What had I done that was so terrible that I was blocked from every avenue of even being able to reach out and ask this person what I'd done?

Since then, through conversations with others, I've been able to glean a general idea that this friend was experiencing a sort of crisis in their attempts to maintain an online social life that was beyond what they could deal with. It seemed they'd cut contact with a number of people, just for being part of certain social circles they no longer had the capacity to handle.

The patterns to which people they'd blocked were a bit confusing to me, but I imagine that my own… sometimes-overly-overt sexuality… might have contributed to why I was among them.

Unlike the stranger I'd blocked before, this person didn't have "NSFW DNI" on their blog; they were okay with talking about sexual topics in some circumstances. But not in all circumstances. And that boundary was never quite clear, to me or to several others who'd been in Discord servers and chats with them.

It's entirely possible that my own discussions of NSFW topics had overstepped the boundary and made this person uncomfortable, and that had been part of the reason for the block. It could also have been some other aspect of how I post (I do post about a pretty vast range of things, from silly and smutty to dark and depressing). Understandable, I guess, that anyone with certain mental health needs would need distance from that.

So... even though this all hurt a whole lot, I have been trying to understand or at least accept these other perspectives. I've been giving a lot more thought to how different people can have different ideas of what's a reasonable boundary to set.

And while there are some practical constraints on what one can realistically expect strangers on a huge online platform to adhere to... that doesn't change how individual people personally feel about their own boundaries, or whether I personally can feel some sympathy and some willingness to try and meet them where they are.

I've also been thinking about some things (which I discussed in the March followup to my February KOSA post) …some thoughts about communities that are built for mutual support in survival situations, and how their standards will differ when it comes to what's a dealbreaker for friendship. And how much effort people will put into trying to resolve conflicts when a group is smaller, less replaceable, and more necessary to one's life.

I mean, I'm not actually in that type of survival situation at the moment. But I'm becoming increasingly aware of how important communities are. And the community I've joined most recently through shared fandom interest is… a small, cult-classic sort of fandom, so the rareness and preciousness of good friends is kind of being hammered home to me at the moment.

And I have become more motivated to make some effort to heal what is broken, whenever I can.

I've never been good with conflict. Often my reflexive reaction to it is to isolate myself, to cut off interaction so I don't have to face what may have been wrong with it.

But I am trying to fight that response, because it's not healthy.

I've unblocked some people I blocked during those early conflict-phobic moments of panic. But of course I don't expect or feel entitled to be unblocked by anyone who has blocked me. As I've tried to express here, their reasons are their own... and while I may try my best to understand them, I acknowledge that I can't fully, and only the people who made the choices truly can. So I won't judge or expect anything in particular; only try to be open to whatever happens.

And I'm writing this post… not to try and argue against anyone, or convince anyone to do anything, but just to try and make clear what has happened from my end, and how I feel about it.

Like I said before, I don't know if others are even thinking or talking about any of this.

But my anxieties sometimes fear that they are, and that there may be people out there forming opinions about me, entirely from the other viewpoint in these conflicts.

And the only thing that eases that anxiety a little is… for me to communicate what I can, so that my viewpoint on what happened is at least out there.

Again, I know this was all vague... but, well, it's more info than was out there before, and I feel it would be wrong to go into much more detail. So, do with this information what you will. It's just me trying to make things a little less vague than real life seems to have made them.

#notron anyvirus #userworldproblems #drama #fandom #personal

[ihaventsleptinweekz]

Im dropping my camp camp au on the floor and running for my life! No shipping btw I don't really ship anyone sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Max as a ringed seal looking selkie, kinda like this guy

Anyway so Max as a selkie. I'd like to think that Max's pod kicked him out for one reason or another, probably because he causes so much damn chaos

So tiny baby him shows up on land like 🧍‍♂️ what... do I do here. what is all of this. and cps finds him and asks "where are your parents." And of course he's like I don't know. what.

So cps is like right then and puts him in foster care where ppl ask "why in gods name do you have a seal skin." To which he decides not to tell anyone and gives no answer, just shrugs and says his mom gave it to him.

He as a few close calls but nothing too serious, right up until he tells one of his foster parents that he's a selkie. And they're like oh okay ^_^ give me that fucking coat right the fuck now; they take it and sell and it make some cold hard cash. And Max is like hm. Fuck. (Trust issues activated)

So 10 year old max is like fuckfuckfuck what do I do. And hes miserable without it so he decides to try and track it down from buyer to buyer. And eventually manages to find some rich somebody who bought it and probably stuck it in his dumb summer home.

That rich somebody is Cameron Campbell.

So Max summons his most innocent act and says "oh dear cps, please allow me to explore my potential at this summer camp owned by this guy." And the foster care agency he's under the jurisdiction of is like umm okay? And his foster parents could not give less of a shit so they say "yeah whatever a selkie without it's pelt is worthless anyway."

This would be about when the story actually starts, everything else I'd probably just call background info ect.

So Max shows up at some godforsaken summer camp owned by Cameron Campbell and begins the search for his pelt, where he meets our usual crew of weird ass counselors and kids. If this was a fic it'd be like chapter by chapter of Max doing crazy things with Nikki and Neil that seem like average chaos causing schemes but are actually veiled ways of him trying to find his pelt.

So every episode where he's trying to ditch David he's actually just trying to look for his pelt without anyone noticing. At one point he toys with the idea of buying his pelt from Campbell, which is where all his monetary based schemes come from.

Anyway one chapter Max would steal a book on selkies and hide it under his bed, primarily because he misses his pod and pelt.

Then Nikki and Neil find it, and obviously Nikki would instantly get obsessed with the idea of Selkies, while Neil would be like yeah okay Nikki 🙄. Following, Campbell overhear them talking about selkies and he goes "Yknow I have a Selkie pelt! They're real."

So Nikki would loose her shit like I WANT TO BE A SELKIE I WANT TO MEET ONE. Meanwhile Neil is like FOR SCIENCE!!!!!!!

Later that day Max shows up from whatever he was doing and Neil is like "MAX. SELKIES ARE REAL WE NEED TO FIND ONE SO I CAN CONDICT EXPERIMENTS AND GET SCIENTIFICALLY FAMOUS."

Max would obviously be alarmed and trust issues would kick in so he'd probably start trying to be more careful with his pelt search, and subtley try and convince Neil that Selkies aren't real, and even if they were real they probably wouldn't want to be some random test subject. They'd problem want to go home to the ocean with their pod and experience all the things humanity robbed of them. Yknow, hypothetically.

To which Nikki says, "Yeah you're right!!! What do you think Neil?"

And Neil would say "Well why do you care so much?" 🤨Cue a divide in their friend group.

Meanwhile Campbell tells David to head to his summer home and pick up some emergency cash for his wild escapades, yadayada anyway. So David is going through his safe and finds some random seal pelt and is like wow this is so pretty! He picks it up and looks at it and says "wow this is so cool. I'm sure Campbell won't miss this random seal pelt. And I'm not taking it I'm just borrowing it. Without asking."

And at the same time Max is arguing lightly with Neil about something and stops midsentence because someone is touching his pelt. After so long of knowing it was left haphazardly in some rich persons safe, a terrifying disconnect between him and the pelt, someone is touching it and he can feel them touching it.

So part of him is relieved to know that the connection to his pelt wasn't severed, however the other part of him is absolutely enraged that someone is messing with his pelt.

And Neil says "Max?? Max???? Are you good?"

And Max is still standing there, frozen, feeling like he's been electrocuted because he can feel someone touching his pelt, and it feels an awful lot like when David ruffles his hair.

So Max storms up to David and says "You have my fucking pelt."

To which David is says "What? You mean this seal pelt? I thought it was Mr. Campbell's!"

And Max decides to hedge the truth and say "Someone took it from me and sold it to him and I've been looking for it this whole time." He gets really quiet and is like "Please. Give it back."

And you know David he's instantly like "Okay!!" ^_^ :] and gives it to Max without a second thought.

And Max finally, finally has his pelt, he can leave this godforsaken camp now- after all he has no reason to stay.

But he looks at his friends and then looks at David and says, "thanks." He goes back to his tent and he decides that night that no, of course he doesn't care about his friends or wish David was his dad. Surely not 🙄 He'll just stick around to get revenge on Campbell. Thats the only reason he's staying. Right?

Anyway there's more but I figured I'd break it up into two parts

#Anyway just want to say if you would like to write this!! Go ahead ^_^ I'd die of joy. #Camp camp #max cc #David cc #camp camp max #Niki cc #neil cc #Anyway ramble over #I miiiight write this as an actual fic but I'd still like to see other ppl writing/making ideas for it :] #camp camp fic

[sunnydice]

💤 👽 🖕 for cquackity :3? Specifically during nlm?

OK i didn't read the nlm part correctly i thought it said lnv and i don't want to delete everything so you're getting TWO. also i might be mildly dyslexic like genuinely. like this isn't a bit. i need to talk to somebody.

part lnv:

💤 A headcanon about their sleep:

this is canonically backed because he has lines about it but he sleeps in weird intervals!! he pretty much goes until he can't, then power naps n gets right back to it. conking at his desk for like 2hrs, then getting back to paperwork. getting back from the prison and sleeping for 18hrs. leaving in the middle of convos to go nap at the needle for 30mins then rushing somewhere else. whags going on. i also think he can be hard to wake up? for such a paranoid guy. smtimes he has to set like 40 alarms to give his eepy ass half a chance at being resuscitated.

👽 A headcanon about a weird quirk of theirs:

OK this one isn't exactly weird quirk but the reaction around it was ppl thinking it was a weird quirk and i think it's funny. cq tics real and true FOREVER. the guy already talks strangely and says things that have nothing to do with the convo so his tics became easy to read as part of his bit and the ppl around him thought he was just squirky w it. have you seen that tweet tht goes "me and my friends just found out my buddy has tourettes. now i feel bad cuz everytime he shouted 'jacking off' we thought he was being cool and we'd cheer him on.' that was the manburg cabinet. to me. :heart_hands:

🖕 A headcanon relating to anger:

oh this guy is so sososo so rage it's eating him alive. like he's always had issues with being more snippy and argumentative and short fused that he ought to be, and lnv and everything surrounding makes it a million times worse. he can still joke around but he'll be a little too cruel with his jokes and snarky and he snaps at people and his patience evaporates. and i think he tries to control it too! in this weird way, especially when he's infront of people. yk wanting that professional img and maybe hating that he's like that also as well. so he swallows it down and goes home and tears apart rooms and rips at his hair n head and scratches and snarls and bites back screaming like an animal. meltdown style‼️and if that doesn't work why not get another use out of the prison lol. AND FUCK CDRM‼️‼️‼️‼️

----

part: nlm

💤 A headcanon about their sleep:

i think the above holds up! he does sleep at weird intervals but it's way more subdued, more normal style. he suffers from insomnia here more specifically however, the worrying abt everything and the paperwork for both nlm and el rapids pass the time during those nights.

👽 A headcanon about a weird quirk of theirs:

being possessed by your dead ex husband is weird as hell!!! you guys remember when he chased ckarl down with an axe and killed him while howling like a wild animal. saying schlattisms talking in a different voice mumbling a pointed "i'm ALIVE" in a church. what are you talking abt bitch. go somewhere w that. and i think it's prevalent i think it influences how he acts. (ofc not in a way that takes away his agency in things that had nothing to do with it he still wanted to execute ppl stupid style constantly tht was ALL him.) maybe he craves meat more sometimes Raw maybe he picks up smoking and wine way more maybe his heartbeat feels like it's two different but matching rhythms in his chest. maybe his wing of the white house is a little colder than everywhere else. i'm sure that doesn't mean anything however.

🖕 A headcanon relating to anger:

mm..i think quackity is very much a righteous anger person he has that in every arc. get mad abt the treatment of the little guy find a target that caused it that deserves it that you have to stop now. i think other aspects of his anger are a smidge easier to control in this arc BECAUSE he had that reasonable outlet. it's okay calm down you can save this for (insert hitlist target here). get back to work BOY. kind of a weird comfort and good redirection for him does tht make sense. he's still yelling at everybody tho the hater grind stops for NOBODY ON THIS EATRTH 💯💥⁉️🔛🔝🗣‼️‼️‼️💥💯

#tysm for the questions!!!! #askatraz #ask games #softiestyx

[kotokos-cafe]

Sayaka, Celestia, Ruruka, Kaede, Angie, And Maki Comforting A R*pe Survivor S/O

Sayaka is... baffled.

She can't believe somebody would do that to you! She can feel her breath catching in her throat as she doesn't know what to say...

Sure, Sayaka could apologize, but not only is it not her fault, but she fears it'd sound insincere.

All she can do is hold you (with permission) as you either cry it out on her chest or just as she tries to remain calm.

From that point on, she's very careful with you.

She'll always ask permission to touch you and ask for your clear boundaries, and make sure to never cross them.

And if somebody else does? Oh, Sayaka is going to be pissed.

"Hey! Stay away from S/O! You're making them uncomfortable!"

She tries to give you every form of power she can in your relationship while still making it healthy, simply because she knows you've been made to feel powerless before.

All in all, very understanding and does her best to support you in any way she can.

Celestia is... outwardly calm.

Outwardly.

Inside, however... well, she's already plotting revenge.

But this isn't about that right now. Right now, you're her top priority. She needs to comfort and soothe you first.

"Darling... I am appalled that somebody has harmed you and still has the audacity to breathe the same air as you and I. However, I am so proud of you for finally gathering the courage to tell me of your deepest woes. Fret not, this doesn't make you a lesser person in my eyes. You're still as lovely and wonderful to me as ever."

Celestia will do everything in her power to compliment you and let you know how pure and sweet she views you as. That way you feel less as though your innocence was stolen from you. She knows she can't completely erase that feeling, although she would do so in a heartbeat if she could, but the next best thing in her mind is to take your mind off of it.

Within the week, you end up seeing a story on the news of your attacker being found dead under "mysterious circumstances".

Sorry, I don't make the rules. Celestia was having absolutely none of it. And as she should.

She's... definitely one of the more protective.

Ruruka Splash Art

Ruruka is mortified.

She can't believe that someone hurt you!

No, she can't believe that you let somebody hurt you!

She knows it isn't your fault, of course. And she goes to every extreme to let you know that.

"Hey, My Precious Candy Corn! Y'know you're suuuuuuper awesome and that none of that was your fault, right?"

And once you confront her on her extra sweet speech, she scoffs.

"Ugh. People like that are the reason why we have to have trust issues. But just know that... you're not alone. I know I don't say this nearly enough, and I have a funny way of showing it, but... I love you with all my heart. And I hope that... bastard rots alone in a jail cell!"

If your attacker isn't in jail already, Ruruka forges some evidence and frames them for a crime she actually committed, getting them locked up for a very long time.

And if they are, guess who starts showing up to visits and feeding them secretly poisoned candies?

She watches as their health slowly deteriorates until, finally, the person who had brought you so much strife had suffered until the bitter end.

As they deserve.

Kaede is the type that tries to get you to go to the police, if you haven't already.

"C'mon, S/O. I'll hold your hand the entire time, I promise. But if you don't report this, they could be doing this to other innocent people and getting away with it."

And if they are, great! She congratulates you on your bravery, instead!

"You're so strong, S/O... And so precious to me... I'm so, so sorry that some sick monster put you through such torment..."

You two spend the entire rest of the day cuddling and having an easy, relaxing day to get your mind off of it.

You guys get takeout that night, along with watching your favorite movies, dancing to your favorite songs, and falling asleep on the couch in your pajamas together.

She buys you a soothing salt scrub in a scent she thinks you'd like along with a suggestion.

"I read online that survivors sometimes feel like they're washing away the touches of their assailant. So I figured... maybe it'd work for you."

Aside from that, she does her best to keep reminders of the traumatic event out of your daily life. She won't let you read books with sexual assault in it, she won't let you watch movies with those kinds of scenes in them, etc.! Not unless you're completely sure and already know what you're getting into. And even then, she'll be there with you just in case.

You can't get a more supportive and sweet girlfriend than Kaede. :)

Angie's first instinct is murder.

As it should be.

"How dare somebody defile one of Atua's beautiful creations?! Angie won't stand for this! Angie will punish them in the name of Atua!"

Of course, using Atua is just an excuse she's using to attempt to justify her actions.

In truth, she just wants the person dead because they've hurt you. And she can't stand that.

Angie does her best to keep morale high in you.

"Do not give up! You are still one of Atua's most beautiful creations, and He was generous enough to let Angie have you in her life! Praise Atua!"

If the person is in jail? Great! She comes forward with "evidence" for their other crimes to get them a longer sentence.

And if they aren't? She manages to get them four life tariffs, whether or not you knew. She simply shows you the article in the newspaper that says they'll die behind bars.

This girl maybe eccentric about it, but she won't let you go unavenged.

Unlike Ruruka and Celestia, Maki is very clearly going to commit murder. Not that you're surprised, you expected as much. She'll give you a heads-up, though.

"...I'm going to kill them, S/O. If you don't want to see the aftermath, I'd suggest staying at a friend's house tonight."

If you do, great! You don't have to see a thing. But if you don't, Maki comes home covered in blood, scratches, and bruises. It's clear she had made them suffer just as they had forced onto you.

"I'm sorry, S/O. I hope I'm not frightening you. I just... couldn't stand somebody putting their disgusting, filthy hands on my lover without your consent."

You know Maki would never harm you, of course, so you simply thank her for removing the person that had caused you so much suffering.

If you ask for further details, she'll give them to you, thinking you deserve the closure and satisfaction of knowing exactly what she'd put your attacker through, but it won't be pretty.

She's excellent at dealing with trauma. She never touches you without permission, she buys you all the soaps and cleaning products you desire for that same psychological reason as Kaede, and she makes sure that your space is as comfortable and clean as possible so you don't feel trapped and lost.

All in all, she's a sweetheart who not only gets rid of your problems, but also tortures them.

As she should.

#tw: rape #danganronpa #celestia ludenberg #celestia x reader #danganronpa celestia #maizono sayaka #sayaka maizono #sayaka maizono x reader #danganronpa sayaka #ruruka ando #Ruruka Ando x reader #akamatsu kaede #kaede akamatsu #kaede akamatsu x reader #danganronpa kaede #drv3 kaede #ndrv3 kaede #yonaga angie #angie yonaga #angie yonaga x reader #danganronpa angie #drv3 angie #ndrv3 angie #harukawa maki #maki harukawa #maki harukawa x reader #danganronpa maki #drv3 maki #ndrv3 maki #🎂 order up! 🎂 request completed 🎂

[saltedsolenoid]

Sydney's Self-Declared Chances Of Making It Through A Death Game (in a stupidly long post, as per the usual for me)

Considering this death game has the same beats of YTTD, has floormasters that aren't anyone in specific, (unless?) and the entire mutual group takes the form as participants, I think I'd be surprisingly likely to pass the first trial. I'm surprisingly good at quick thinking when it's a logical situation. Emotionally and socially? I'm no good. There weren't many first trials, to my knowledge, that relied on physical activity, and thus there's basically no chance of me somehow not getting through because I'm disabled (slay). My reaction to the first trial would frankly depend on whether I was with someone or not.

Actually, scratch that. I didn't come into the death game with anyone, and I'm only saying that because the way I'd act if I came into the death game with someone (probably nyx lol) and if I came into the death game alone would be hilariously different. If I were with someone, I'd likely devote my fucking life to them, and probably die because of it. So, not the issue, let's just say I came into the death game alone (or my partner died in the first trial! which i'd be. surprisingly okay with? huh) and survived the first trial.

From here, depending on the social adequacy of the group, I'd either fall into a psuedo-leader position (i don't trust you bastards to hold a successful conversation, therefore i'm putting on a front and projecting my own voice so that we get through this quick enough to leave) (<- mind working under pressure, doesn't recognize any of you) or I'd curl up in a corner and not participate out of fear. Not "oh my god i'm going to die fear," no, more of "oh i'm nonverbal now lol" fear.

I'm not sure what would happen, honestly. If nobody was speaking up and there was a silence, I'd probably go with the first option, just because I was desperate to get out of there.

From here, everything proceeds as pretty normal for me. I don't necessarily interact with anyone one-on-one unless they initiate (assuming this is a 'nobody knows each other' au?) and I instead just explore and walk around.

That is, until the Second Trial. You know, practice round, I assume everything goes the same way as canon, and someone dies. Who? I don't fucking know, but I know that I voted for myself, a bit because that's what everyone else was doing and a bit because I wanted to see if it would work. It did, and I couldn't take my answer back.

Anyways, someone winds up dead, and at least five people have a mental breakdown. Once again, I've likely gone non-verbal (selectively mute things #girlboss), but even if I haven't, I just kinda... leave without saying anything. From here, a lot of things just go as they often would. I likely am at least one person to accidentally discover a new room that's opened up, both because I have a terrible habit of constantly rechecking doors (if i discovered the kitchen, i'd likely discover the knife, get scared out of my mind, and take it for myself so nobody else could die from it, completely ignoring that somebody might suspect me. I'd take the whole box, and solve the number puzzle to open the doors. I don't tell anyone it was me. listen, man, i'm all worn out, if you see a puzzle that's randomly solved, it was probably me.)

Before the main game, I, once again, don't really talk to that many people, but have started observing how people interact with one another and start to get a hold on everyone's personalities. I likely eye one of the mutuals that I judge as more logical or sure-minded than the rest, and try to count on them. Those having a panic attack (at least a few at this point), I somewhat ignore. Sorry about that. I hide in a corner for the next few hours because everything hurts and also I need some time to process things.

Main game happens, and I'm likely a bit late to the party because I. sorta missed the memo that everyone was going upstairs. I don't talk for the first few minutes, but eventually gain my ground and start leading the conversation. I have a tendency to view everything as just one big story, and this game of life and death is really no different. So, I take myself as the narrator, and try to make sure everyone knows what the stakes are. I likely just got a commoner role, nothing too important. I don't really have a preference on who should die-- this is likely just all one big joke anyhow. So, I make my statement on who it would be most logical to kill based on roles and survivability, then I shut up until the conversation pauses again.

Now, I very well might have died in the main game, might not have. But my hands hurt like hell, so there's your dose of sydney lore for today, might reblog this later with more yttd mutual story. bye nerds

#i had like a whole extra analysis planned for the tags #but ow tbh

[omni-scient-pan-da]

Okay so story time

I'm writing this on January 6th, 2022, it's a Thursday and almost 11:30pm and I really should be asleep by now if I want any hope of being a functioning human being to get through the quizzes I have in two of my AP classes tommorow but instead I'm here

Six years ago, as of the day I'm writing this, I was absolutely terrified of change, I hated the thought of it and I hated that everything suddenly was going to change when I felt like I had just gotten the hang of things

Six years ago, as of the day this is getting posted, I felt like the side character in someone else's story

I was there for emotional support to help other people shine, but when I had issues of my own, I was overlooked and all I wanted was to be somebody important, so much so that I dove into world after world of fantastical things that happened to fantastical people because they were good people that fought for what was right and lived happily ever after

And I was convinced that my life was going to be horrible because I so badly and desparately wanted to be special in some way, I wanted super powers or to marry into a royal family or to be transported to some magical world where the only issues I had was figuring out how to do the thing that was hard but obviously right

I was already unique, just not the kind of unique that made everyone flock around them because they were so cool and special, I was the kind of unique that stood out but made bad choices and decided to surround myself with people that weren't the best for me and I felt so disheartened because of that

And then, a few months later, my whole world fell apart and so I thought maybe if I just dug myself deeper into these fantasy worlds, if I just wished a little bit harder, if I was just a little bit more pure of heart then maybe, just maybe I could find the magic of the world that lay hidden just beneath the surface and would allow me to be just like the people I read about in books

And somehow, overtime, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to find the kind of magic I was looking for, if it did exist at all, it was going to find me and spending all my time searching for it wasn't healthy

And I think by that point, that was around the time I discovered fanfiction and the internet, and I started staying up late to dive into fantasies of a different kind but now? Now they were of fantastical people that had gone on fantastical journeys getting a much needed break, living happily ever after with the one they loved most, doing normal, ordinary things in a way that was so breathtakingly beautiful it couldn't help but captivate my attention

And so I started to romantize those things instead

Going to college and falling in love with your painfully straight roommate only to realize you're both gay and crushing on each other

Train rides, road trips, comicons, found families, spending time with friends, spending the night together when there's only one bed, falling in love with someone's words and realizing you actually know who the person is, texting a number scribbled on a bathroom stall, finding your soulmate against all the odds

And I started to glorify all these things that suddenly seemed attainable, and it got me through the day

Sure it wasn't happening now, but one day in the future, here was something I could actually obtain one day and I just had to wait until I had the funds or the transportation or the friends to do it with me

And then along comes a day like any other

Just... A normal Saturday, a week before the project is due if you want to receive extra credit

The day we're all going ice skating

And it's crazy and chaotic but it's fun, and there's laughter and sure there's yelling and frustration, but it's all in good spirit and the wind was freezing but we were all suffering together and my hands burned when I put them in that warm water but ultimately, Mystic was just trying to stop me from getting frostbite

And then we're standing in line for an HOUR waiting to get skates after walking for an unnecessarily long time in the freezing cold and my feet hurt like hell because I'm wearing skates that are two sizes too small for me and I can't balance for shit

And then we're ferrying across to the restaurant for dinner and it's nice

I'm struck with the realization that even though I'm exhausted and my social battery is running really low I'm happy, so happier than I've been in a really long time, and I'm not even thinking about the Psychology work I have to do when I get back home the next day because I am in the moment, I'm sitting and stealing cheese curds from Mystic and eating melted ice cream and making stupid jokes with my friends and wandering around Target aimlessly with my sister before going back home and passing out from exhaustion and it was fun

I feel loved

So much so that I made a collage of the day's pictures and made it my home screen, so I could look back on it and remember what a day December 11th was

And now, as I sit here at 11:40pm on a random Thursday, knowing I should be asleep, I can't help but remind myself that while the idealized versions of day to day life you see in fanfiction tropes are great to think about

And they have a possibility of occuring, and they could totally happen

It's the days that are messy, the days that don't go as planned, the days when you come home and immediately fall asleep because you're so tired that you look back on the fondest

When you're running back and forth across the neighborhood because you can't find your folder and you're supposed to go get froyo before showing up to the concert and your stupid uniform dress won't cover your bra straps you're having fun, and you're feeling loved and you're having the moments you dreamed about having

They may be messy but they're chaotic and messy and loveable and real

So now, today, on another December 11th, I would like to take the time to remind myself and anyone that made it through my rambling to find beauty in the now

"Embrace the mess" as fictional famous podcast creator Cinda Canning once said

Find your love and your joy and your hopes and dreams and aspirations in these moments right now, when they take you by surprise and people remind you that they love you

Even when it's not the romantic love you've been reading about for forever, you're loved and you're whole and as long as you can keep making it through the day, as long as you can keep reminding yourself to breathe, you'll stumble upon the December 11ths of life when you're meant to, and those will be the moments worth going for, not the glorified versions of fanfiction tropes that are much less likely to happen

Happy December 11th everyone, and may you have a good a day as I did, a year ago

#panda posts #panda practices patience #panda's parties of rememberance #december 11th #dec 11

[dballzposting]

I never talked at length about how it was like when Gohan was beginning to suspect that Piccolo and MsChichi were dating . This is becasue it would be an insanely long post if I did . But essentially he really did not like it . He really did not like it one bit . There were many factors involved but the biggest ones were

1. It felt too much like Piccolo was replacing Goku, Gohan's actual father. This dug up many wounds about the way that Gohan really looked up to Piccolo when he was younger and the way that it was Piccolo who killed Goku the first time and the way that it was indirectly Gohan who killed Goku the second time . And now Gohan's father is dead and his mother is a loyal widow except for the fact that Gohan is beginning to suspect that she and Mr Piccolo are sort of dating now. Which he really cannot reconcile with right now

2. Gohan is having a hard time understanding that Piccolo is involved in other people's lives in ways that are totally removed from him. This sounds like something you should figure out when you're very young but I'm just going to say that Gohan understand the concept easily of course but the truth is that in his very hectic childhood he didnt have any comfort or security at all, and his developing child brain latched onto Piccolo as a sort of anchor. And now Gohan is like 18 and hes off to public school and is starting his life but until he makes that big leap and moves into his own place and makes a new family, hes still subsiding off of the roots and anchors of his early childhood. Like if he had found out about this after he had a job secured and he and Videl were well-bonded, he would have been pretty much fine. But hes just still barely in that old boat and, like, brains domt wire themselves in a way that is ideal, they just do what they do and what they must. And for Gohan he seems totally secure and well-functioning on the surface, but so does everyone else until you aggravate wounded roots and rock the boat. It just so happened that continuing to believe that Piccolo was his friend and an anchor and an idol was what caused one of the wheels in his brain to turn which kept everything running smoothly, and that was set up a long time ago, and he wasnt cognizant of it . And again it's an issue of security, if he had begun to suspect something AFTER he had placed new roots in a new place and in new people, he would have been more rational about it.

3. He really just does not like the person he becomes during this little psychological excursion. Hes not just distressed bc hes distressed, hes distressed because he's seeing himself act and think in a way that is not in-line with his self-image. Suddenly hes suspicious, distasteful, untrusting, possessive, jealous, afraid, nosy, judgemental, and above all, ANGRY. Ever since the Cell shit he has had a complex about anger. You'll see him snap in shallow ways (like when he heard those kids saying that the Great Saiyaman was stupid on that one episode) or maybe in ways that are much more scared and worried than angry (When he finds out that Goten had been teaching the baby Pan how to bite, and that's why she had been biting lately and making Gohan and Videl believe that something was wrong. Didnt happen on-screen but I know it happened at some point). But he never experiences deep-seated resounding RAGE anymore bc he just cant .. theres a block and if you try to unclog the dam then .. Well just dont do that. He'll have a bit of a spiral for sure . HE HATES ANGER. It's just self-indulgent and harmful. So he tries to avoid it.

But this thing with his mother and Piccolo has got him feeling ... angry! Angry becasue hes disturbed! Upset! Angry becasue hes confused and jealous and obstinate! Angry becasue he hates seeing himself be like this! Angry becasue it feels like his father is being replaced when it was his fault that he was dead to begin with! Angry becasue somebody is trying to encroach onto his mother's honor! After he had done so much to try to keep her happy healthy and safe! (Hes never mad at his mom for her role in this btw all the anger gets directed to hinself and to Piccolo) And obviously just BEING angry causes more badness to follow. So it really just spirals and escalates and stuff

This all goes away however when he listens to "you cant hurry love" by The Supremes on his Ipod that he got from the city and then everything just clicks. He's crying into his hands and realizing that he cant expect his poor sweet mother to be unhappy for forever. And even if Goku is dead and Gohan sort of feels like it's his fault, that doesnt mean that the forest needs to stay dead for forever. Flowers will grow back. And Piccolo is somebody who is very trustworthy actuslly. He forgot that in the madness but then everything clicks and he remembers clear as day that he really trusts Piccolo and he trusts him to take good care of his mother. He pretty much already had been since hes been coming around so much in the past few years or more since Goku died . Like literally everything is fine, actually more than fine, this works out perfectly for everybody. All the madness and distress goes away instantly like it was never there ... it just took his brain time to reconcile with the news and reposition and rebalance itself but now it's fine.

That's pretty much it . If you want songs for all that I'd recommend umm "BUMAYE DUB" by ... umm KMFDM or something like that idr it was a bunch of letters. And also "Back to the Cave" by Colonial Suns. Thanks for reading I love you

#dballz posting #long post #AND THATS PRETTY MUCH IT .. LOL #like theres more obviously and many different ways this could go but thats pretty much it

[nothoughtsthorin]

A Journal Post.

This isn't Traditionally my sort of thing, but I need a place to categorize and sort out all my conflicted and disorganized thoughts and feelings that is, at least in part, burdenless, so feel free to skip this. Especially if you have issues with Parental abuse.

I feel like part of my problem as of late, is my inability to say No. Growing up, my father "Encouraged" (in the traditional fashion, cough cough) obedience, convenience and, more than both of those, guilt. Guilt for not being more masculine, for not being more aggressive, for not being like my brother, and, I'm realizing more and more, being Unusual. For enjoying bugs and critters, for loving flowers, for loving nature. It's why I forced so much of myself down, and honestly, why no school bully could ever measure up. How can they, when my biggest baddest bully was so close to home?

So I started cutting off pieces. I stopped drawing flowers, opting for muscular dudes and tights. (Man I should have known about being gay sooner tbh) One of my earliest characters was a hero because of that. No more getting excited about moths or butterflies, we're excited about boxing, and getting more Manly. Getting a couple rounds in with dear ole dad, getting hit for trying to refuse to hit back. Being taught to hunt and to kill, to survive and endure. Forced in to a mold, essentially.

I feel like lately I've been trying to reclaim some of what I lost, and what I was forced to gain. Some surprised me- my new favorite dnd class is Monk, and I actually do want to pick boxing up. Which I guess is me trying to develop a healthy relationship with what I have. I've started pointing out cool bugs again, catching frogs (gently!!) and befriending them, following the journeys of the different caterpillars and moth larva and allowing myself to enjoy flowers again. I feel like I'm finding me again, not fast enough, but it's There.

But unfortunately, that programming is still there too. It's manifesting in my relationship, and now that I see it, in past ones. Being too eager to please, too eager to set aside need and want just to ease suffering, too eager to burn myself to keep somebody else warm. I thought maybe, if I tried I might be able to convince Him to see it, to recognize it was too much for me and to take some of the burden. Maybe tomorrow he'll do the thing I asked, maybe he'll make himself dinner if I ask, maybe he'll do his laundry this time. Maybe he'll feed my lizard while I'm Away. But. Maybe is always no, for Better or for Worse. I can't love him so much that he treats me how I want to be treated. No amount of attempting to fill in the blanks will be Enough, because I'm only giving him pieces of me. And, for a while, I was convinced that those pieces weren't Significant. I could make do, with less, with working and managing. I can't. I think I'm ready to Admit that. That's what's Finally different. I know it isn't enough, for Certain. It feels silly that it took Two years. What's funnier about it is somehow my best friend went through such a similar situation. She's blossoming and I know I can too, but I need my effort to be for me for a change, and I need to be willing to fight for that. I've always been a protector and a supporter, but I have to do those things for Me. We'll be doing a counseling session, but I'm not sure that's enough anymore. I know I have a lot of reflection to do, and sweet holy FUCK DO I NEED SOME THERAPY BAYBEEE, but I think I'm Lucid again. I'm not sure what happens now, for once. I love him and I think, regardless, I may Always. Problems aside, he's silly, tries to be sweet, and I think genuinely has just had a hard life, there were and are good times. I think I'd genuinely love having him as a friend, but until I'm in a better place I don't think this relationship is sustainable. Part of me wants to hope, but the other part wants to use that hope for Me.

All I know is now, I'm tired of healing others and it's time to heal Me.

[post-finem]

Witch's Log 1

They said I should write. My conversations with the wood typically involve a bit more specificity, but this didn't feel like a request from the wood... it felt like advice. The wood speaks more with feeling than with sound and translating that is... complicated. With that being said, I get the sense that the wood was trying to help me.

Normally, I feel when the wood needs my help, and I do what I can to keep them safe and healthy — they are my home, after all. They help me all the time, too, but this is the first time I've gotten advice like this. When I'm hungry, they point me in the direction of food; when I'm struggling to handle a spell, they help me feel its edges; they help me find the ingredients I need for my potions; and somehow, I even manage to find exactly the right parts I need for my clocks washed up by the crick every couple weeks — no rust or anything!

Lately though, I've started to feel lonely. I haven't seen... anyone, in about 400 years. I spent the first 300 of those years happier than I had ever been before; thrilled to finally be alone. Eventually, though, I started feeling like maybe I wouldn't mind if somebody wandered in. That's not possible, of course; nothing this deep in the wood has been connected to the chronological realm for centuries, and the outer layers of the wood are all but impenetrable to mortals now.

It's for the best. Even when I lived as a mortal... it was different. I was different. I never knew why, but everyone else seemed to. It was as if an aura they all could feel surrounded me, whispering,

"This one's different. Not to be trusted. Useful, maybe, but certainly not one of us."

Luckily, I've long been a lover of solitude, but something strange happened recently. I was working on a new clock - the hardest I've built yet - and all of my attempts so far had been disastrous.

You see, my body may not age here, but my mind continues to accrue memories as though it were experiencing time normally, and I was attempting to build a clock capable of tracking the age of my consciousness.

Problem is, the crystal I need for the oscillator of such a clock takes about eight months to synthesize, and that synthesis process requires that I pour a potion containing an ounce of my own blood onto a rare stone every day until the stone starts to crack, at which point the deep red crystal can finally be harvested.

I'm sure you can imagine that losing that crystal to a temporal implosion thanks to a misaligned gear was... upsetting.

And then it happened again. Eight months and way too much blood later, another temporal implosion. Did I mention that I quite dislike bleeding? This was not an enjoyable process for me. I wish I could say there was some complex, mysterious issue I had understandably failed to consider, but in reality I had grabbed the wrong spring during final assembly and the extra tension... well, poof.

Third time's the charm, right? Another excruciating eight months later, with overhauled schematics, the most perfectly tuned gears I had ever produced, and even a semi-organized workbench, I sat in front of my creation with the blood-red crystal in my hand. Slowly, carefully, I slid the crystal into its housing in the oscillator, and, pushing with an amount of pressure that made my heart pound even harder than before, I snapped it into place and winced.

"Tick. Tick. Tick."

I let out a sigh of relief. It worked. I wasn't surprised to learn that I'm 984 years old, though I also wouldn't have been surprised if I had turned out to be a few centuries younger or older than that — I haven't exactly kept track.

My heart filled with pride looking at my creation. Hearing the satisfying Tick. Tick. Knowing that I had built this thing with my own hands. I stared at the dark oak frame, the patinaed brass gears, the electrum hands and workings, and in the center, the blood-red crystal that had given me so much grief. This was, truly, an object of beauty.

Then I felt something else. A heavy realization. I have built something truly beautiful, and no other human will ever know about it. I'm usually happy absorbing myself into my work, the joy of creation — the space and freedom to create was all I ever really wanted anyway. But, for the first time in a long time, I felt sad to be alone. Sad that there is nobody with whom I can share this beauty.

I could tell that this loneliness was the reason the wood told me to write, but I wasn't sure why before. See, the forest's feelings become clearer the further I follow them, and I can feel now that someone is going to read this. I don't know who, or why, or where, or how, but I can feel that what I write here will be read by others.

That's a lot to process. I didn't know the wood was capable of something like this, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I did enjoy writing this, though. I think I need to get some sleep now.

Read Part 2 Here!

#post-finem #pf_writing #witch's log #pf_fiction

[my-never-ending-nightmare]

Anyone else ever had to make a split-second decision at some point in your life that, despite being the most sensible choice, was so thoroughly questioned and rebuked by somebody that it planted a seed of doubt in the back of your mind that stuck with you and caused you to scrutinize yourself long after everyone else has forgotten about it?

Like, I don’t mean you did (or didn’t) do something that had repercussions for someone else but rather that someone else believed you should have taken a course of action that you believed would have been a bad idea - and yet despite that their point of view stood in such stark contrast to yours that it made you question whether or not you were perceiving things correctly at all?

My own experience with what I’m trying to describe started three years ago when a good friend and I were hanging out one night driving around in my car when, along a stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere, we saw these two dogs walking or running along the shoulder of the road and a pickup truck pulling over in front of them. This dude got out of the truck, quite violently, grabbed them and threw them one at a time into the bed of the truck before getting back in the driver's seat and pulling a U-turn before turning onto the closest side road.

As you can imagine, seeing this was rather alarming and distressing - and my friend wanted me to follow that truck down the side road to try and find out what was happening. So I obliged. And about a kilometer down that road, we found it parked next to a garage or barn of some sort that sat about 13 meters or so away from a house. It was pitchback save for the truck's lights and thus impossible to make out what was happening. But we could hear the dogs barking if I'm not mistaken. Or maybe I'm just imagining that part. But in either case, it was definitely the same truck we had just seen on the highway.

And that's when I had to make that aforementioned split-second decision. Because my friend wanted me to drive right up in there to find out exactly what was going on. And as emotionally inclined as I was to do that, the more rational side of me had to tell her no, that's not a good idea. She was not happy about that. And I don't blame her. Because I found what we had seen to be as upsetting as she did, and I wanted to make sure those dogs were OK just as much as she did. But it's not worth dying over.

I told her that driving up onto some stranger's property a off dirt road in the middle of nowhere at 3 o'clock in the morning was a terrible idea to begin with - but that doing so with the intention of confronting the owner about something was an even worse idea. I told her that there are people in the world who wouldn't even bother asking questions or demanding that you'd leave - the types of people who would only call the cops after they've shot you. And, speaking of police, I told her that trespassing at night is a serious criminal offense around here and that they don't waste time issuing trespass notices or fines: they just take you straight to jail. And then I tried to assure her (and perhaps myself also) that in all likelihood what had happened was that those were his dogs who had escaped/runoff and that he had gone after them in his truck - and that once he had found them he was so frustrated that he was rough with them as punishment.

But this did little to console her. She thought I was being ridiculous - that the things I was worried about were so outlandish that they couldn't possibly happen. But she had no fear at all - and so she said she would go up there and find out what was going on herself. And again, I had to tell her no.

We're leaving.

She wasn't happy about that at all, but I knew I had made the right decision. At least, I knew that then. It wasn't until afterwards that I started to doubt that. And in the weeks, months, and years that followed, I thought about that night a lot. Not every day or anything - but close enough. And whenever something made me think of that night I felt like a fool. I felt like my friend was right. That I was worried about things that were preposterous. And that paranoia was driving me that night - not caution.

This went on for years. Until last spring.

I believe it was late winter when this started happening, but all of a sudden there seemed to be almost daily headlines making international news about people being shot for little to no reason by their neighbors in America. And every time I saw one of these stories my mind went back to that night - but every story was too dissimilar to the situation we faced that night for them to sway me. They all seemed to involve a history of dispute between neighbors that ultimately cumulated in a shooting. It wasn't until I saw the news about that young woman in upstate New York who got lost while driving to a friend's house and pulled into a stranger's laneway so that she could turn around when that stranger, sitting on his porch, fired two shots and killed her right there and then. No questions asked, no demands made.

And suddenly I felt vindicated.

Which is exactly what I felt again today when work had me drive right past the exact road where this all happened between my friend and me all those years ago. Vindicated. Not in a celebratory, I-told-you-so sort of way. But rather a relieved, I'm-not-crazy sort of way. Like, for all those years that night was something that I felt ashamed of and embarrassed about. I had begun to feel like I truly was being ridiculous that night. But now I know I was just trying to keep us both safe - because it turns out the things I had been worried about that night aren't so far-fetched after all.

I'm not crazy. Or maybe I am. But there are other people more crazy than me.

#long post #thoughts

[inkyvulture]

"Do I have this issue or is my brain hyperrealistically adopting this issue to self sabotage?"

A musical.

#seriously #like I'm not sure if I have an issue until somebody else points it out #or more like if they tell me a joke or statistic about it #then my brain clicks in like hol' up #and then i find a clear example of said thing they brought up #and them more examples flood in #but when i talk to therapists I cannot recall one thing about who I am #nor what i do #but if i'm straight up told I do X or Y I go #you got me wrong #don't think i do it so often #so props to this one dude who throws statistics my way out of the blue #and i catch them like some rugby ball passed to me and i suddenly know shit #because some stuff is a bit more clear now #because before it wasn't #because my mother would always say I do stuff out of my own volition #and say I fake problems #she always pushes that narrative on anyone besides herself #so she emotionally and expressively constipated me rip #she muddied my definition of me #erased my clear lines and told me they were never in their original place in the first place #damn tag ramble #but i was eating sushi and writing so

[devilyn]

is that too much to ask? | tsukishima kei

— alexa, play: love somebody by lauv

I don't wanna be the one to say

That we gotta have a conversation

I don't wanna watch the tears roll down your face

Know, I hurt you, and I, I'm sorry

All I wanted was to love somebody

— synopsis: tsukishima avoids physical affection with you as often as he can, and you wonder what it is that you’re doing wrong in your relationship.

— genre: angst, happy endings, & the product of my writer’s block

— word count: 2.6k

You knew Tsukishima wasn’t the affectionate type--you knew that when you asked him out in your second year of high school. You knew that if you hugged him in front of his volleyball teammates, he’d stiffen and cringe away from your touch. It was natural for you to start reaching your arms out towards him before stopping yourself and resorting to a proud pat on the arm and a bright smile. It was to the point where even Hinata once commented that he’d never even see the two of you hug.

Now that the two of you were in university, and almost three years into your relationship, you started wondering what exactly it was about physical affection with you that Tsukishima hated so much. You started to experiment--slipping your hand into his when you walked back to your shared apartment together after his long volleyball practices, or tossing your arms around his neck in excitement after he wins a tough match. Each time, he’d react the same way. He would pull his hand from yours, or he’d put his hands on your shoulders and put some distance between the two of you.

At first, you believed it to be embarrassment. He didn’t like PDA--you could understand that. Even you had a limit to how much you could flaunt your relationship status in public. But even when the two of you were in the comfort of your apartment, you wondered why he never initiated any physical affection.

“Kei,” you whispered his name softly, and he looked up from his phone to meet your eyes. “Do you...not love me?”

He blinked, raising both brows in genuine surprise and slowly lowering his spoonful of cereal back into his bowl. 

“...Are you dumb?”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes and tightening your grip on your keys.

“It’s whatever,” you murmured, pulling the front door open and not bothering to spare him a glance over your shoulder. “I’ll see you.”

You left quickly to not have to deal with the aftermath of your sudden question, the door shutting firmly behind you.

Was it selfish of you to want more proof of his love for you? Sure, there were small things. Things like how he always helped you study for your exams if he could, or how he’d make you a cup of coffee before you left because he knew you struggled with staying awake during your morning classes. You knew he loved you because of these things.

But there was always a small voice in the back of your head asking if he only did those things to drag your stagnant relationship on. For a year now, it felt as if every day was the same with him. Actions were repetitive, dates were infrequent and only occurred when you asked, and at times, each day with him felt like a clone of the previous. Which is why you started wanting to hold his hand, and melt into his warm embrace.

Your fingers tightened on your tumbler, holding the contents of your boyfriend’s love--the coffee he made you this morning. 

Even at home, he would merely pet your head when you cuddled into his side on the couch. Kisses were rare unless you initiated, and he’d always tease you whenever you whined about wanting him to kiss you first. It’s not like you two never had sex either, so what was so wrong about your relationship that left you wanting more?

Your phone buzzed in your other hand, and you glanced at it briefly.

u ok?

You tucked your phone back into your pocket without replying. You never should’ve asked. Now you’ve disrupted the peace you had in your stagnant relationship.

Though, maybe it was okay to want more.

“Is it really a problem?” Kuroo sipped his drink through his straw, raising a brow in your direction. “You’ve been dating for three years. I’m more surprised that you didn’t bring this up to him earlier.”

Your fingers tapped rhythmically against the half empty tumbler, teeth gnawing anxiously at your lower lip.

“...I think I was too scared in the beginning,” you murmured.

“Mm,” your friend hummed softly in agreement. “You’ve changed. You were always affectionate before.”

You blinked, raising your gaze from the table between the two of you to meet Kuroo’s grin.

“How’d you know that? We just became friends in uni--”

“Tsukki told me,” he cut you off, and your fingers stopped tapping against your drink. “And it’s not like I don’t notice that you hug me more than you hug your boyfriend.”

“First of all, don’t say things that can be so easily misunderstood,” you tossed a crumpled up napkin at the former captain, and he quickly dodged it with a short laugh. “Second, what do you mean Kei told you? He said I used to be more--affectionate?”

This was news to you. You never thought that he would notice how you changed to make him feel more comfortable with your relationship.

It was true that towards the beginning of your relationship, you were always scared of upsetting him, so you did everything you could to change to his needs. You held back words you knew he wouldn’t want to hear, and only ever spoke up if something truly bothered you. It worked up until the end of your first year before you started opening up to him slowly. But something you could never seem to breach was Tsukishima’s habit of avoiding physical affection. 

“You know how he is,” Kuroo waved his hand dismissively, “Your boyfriend’s terrible with emotions. I tell him all the time that I’m surprised you lasted so long--”

“Don’t talk badly about him like that,” you scolded your friend with a scowl, to which he snickered quietly.

“Well, you can’t deny it, can you? He sucks, but he has his good points. That’s why you’re still dating him, right?”

It was true that you couldn’t deny it. Tsukishima had many faults, and his lack of desire for physical affection was only one of them. Still, you were just as much at fault for not communicating with him out of fear that he’d leave you.

“He’s just scared, y’know,” Kuroo rested his chin in his upturned palm. “Just like you. Even after three years, he’s not used to affection. Why don’t you just talk to him instead of sulking about it to me? I feel like I might as well be the third person in your relationship with how often you two come to me about each other.”

You were quiet for a bit, swirling the now cold coffee around as you processed the thought of confronting the issues you’ve been burying for so long.

“...he’d never date you,” you finally murmured, turning your gaze out the window.

“Ah, and you would?”

You didn’t need to look up to see Kuroo’s smug smirk.

“You wish.”

But no matter how much you didn’t want to admit it, there was some truth in Kuroo’s words. You had used him as a therapist far too many times, when your issues could easily be solved by confronting your fears and sitting down to talk with the man you lived with.

If only speaking to Tsukishima about your problems was as easy as it sounded.

By the time you finally gathered up the courage to even speak his name, your boyfriend was standing from the dinner table to grab your plates and heading towards the sink where his dishwashing responsibilities awaited him. The sight of his broad back seemed to glue your lips shut. 

You couldn’t get the words out.

“Do you hate being touched by me?” was the first thing you wanted to ask.

“Is it wrong for me to ask for you to tell me you love me sometimes?” would probably be the second, paired with, “Can you just kiss me once in a while without complaining about it?”

It all felt so childish, even before the words left your lips. So instead, you sat frozen in your chair, gazing at your boyfriend’s back that you longed to embrace.

Slowly, you stood. Before your brain could tell you how stupid of an idea this was, your feet moved forward until you were standing just a step away from Tsukishima’s much taller form.

Your arms wrapped around his waist from behind, and you could feel the way he jolted in surprise as you rested your cheek against his warm back.

“I’m washing--”

“Do you hate me?”

Silence.

Well, that question didn’t come out as expected, though it’s not like you didn’t wonder that too.

“Don’t turn around,” you pleaded quietly over the running water. To someone else, you must’ve looked like a fool, clinging onto your boyfriend like your life depended on it while he soaped up your dirty dishes.

He granted your wish, and didn’t whirl around to pull away from your touch. Instead, he continued scrubbing at your dinner plates.

“You have until I finish washing the dishes to explain yourself,” he stated calmly, and your arms tightened around his waist. It was a demand.

“I heard...from Kuroo that you said I used to be more affectionate before we started dating,” you stammered out quickly, “If you knew that, then why do you get so stiff and push me away when I try to initiate physical affection even after we’ve been dating for three years? Do you hate being touched by me so much?”

The kitchen was quiet, now that your boyfriend was drying the dishes. His hand stopped moving robotically over the wet plates, and he slowly set them down on the counter instead. You could tell he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure how. So you continued.

“I do know that you love me, Kei,” you murmured weakly, voice muffling against his shirt as you shifted to rest your forehead against his broad back instead. “I do. I know you’re always thinking of me, and I love that about you. But when you push me away, I can’t help but think that you’re just pretending to love me for the sake of convenience.”

“If I wanted convenience, I wouldn’t date you,” he mumbled under his breath, and the words stung to the point that your arms dropped from around the middle blocker’s waist.

No longer confined by your embrace, Tsukishima spun around and grabbed your shoulders, his eyes wide with panic.

“Y/N wait--I didn’t mean it that--”

“You’re such an ass,” you averted your gaze from his, trying to blink away the tears that began to blur your vision.

“Listen--” his voice was frantic, but you didn’t let him continue. You were scared to hear what would come next if you did.

“I guess I was wrong, and the voice in my head is right,” you cut him off, voice trembling. “So I’ll just tell you everything that I held back since it’s all going to fall apart anyway.”

It took all your courage to turn your teary gaze back to his deceivingly sorrowful golden eyes.

“Is there something so disgusting about me that you don’t even want to hold me? Even after this many years?” you began, fully prepared to spill every one of your fears from the past three years. “Am I asking for too much when I ask you to kiss me every once in a while? Is it wrong for me to want you to just tell me you love me sometimes? Am I a bad person for thinking our relationship has become so boring because neither of us want to make the first step to try and change because we’re both scared of scaring each other away?”

You rubbed your arm against your eyes, trying to pretend like you weren’t sobbing into your sleeve. Though you’re sure you weren’t a very good actor, with the way you hiccuped and took shaky breaths between your questions.

“Did I make a mistake trying to change myself to fit your standards? Should I have never confessed to you back--”

Your voice was suddenly muffled into your boyfriend’s chest, and you gasped at the suddenness of his hug.

“Please don’t regret it,” he requested weakly, his voice trembling just as much as yours.

Those simple words were all it took for your sobs to come out freely, your shaky hands clawing upwards to grip onto Tsukishima’s t-shirt, clinging onto him as if he was the only thing keeping you grounded. It was a hug you’d been craving for ages--one he initiated. You hated that it took you throwing your heart at him for it to happen, but what were you to do?

He allowed you to cry as he continued.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” he murmured into your hair. “There’s nothing wrong with what you want. I was...just scared, like you said.”

“Of what?” was what you wanted to ask. And like he read your mind, Tsukishima elaborated.

“The more I hug you, and the more kisses we share, the more I fall for you,” he whispered, as if fearful of the words he was admitting to you. “The deeper I fall, the more scared I get that you’ll leave me when you remember how bad of a boyfriend I am. I want to give you 100% of me, but at the same time, I’m too scared to do exactly that.”

Your cries were quieting down, and you took shaky breaths, inhaling his familiar scent each time. Just his embrace managed to soothe your frantic sobs.

“So I avoided anything that would make me fall too much in love with you, but it’s already too late,” he laughed bitterly, pulling back slightly so he could cup your cheeks, thumbs brushing at the wet streaks staining your skin. Your lips pursed into a small pout, and he couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips. “I already love you too much to let go of you, and you know it.”

“...you’re really, really not allowed to be cute right now,” you grumbled, and he laughed.

“Yeah, I could say the same to you,” he joked, leaning forward so his lips could brush over your forehead.

“...can you kiss me now?” you murmured shyly, and his grin morphed into a weak smile before his hands tilted your jaw up towards him. His lips met yours softly, and though this wasn’t your first kiss, it was the first time you’d felt this way with Tsukishima in three years.

When he pulled away, you were crying again.

“Stop crying,” he cursed, “If someone saw you right now, they’d think I was bullying you.”

You babbled something incoherent through your tears of joy, and your boyfriend’s expression softened in a way you hadn’t witnessed in what felt like years.

“You have to take responsibility, you know,” his palms cupped your jaw, pulling your teary gaze back up to his as his thumb brushed over your lower lip. “For making me fall so deeply in love with you again.”

You laughed, tears dripping down your cheeks as you wrapped your arms around Tsukishima’s neck to pull him down into another love-filled kiss.

“Until when?” you grinned when you pulled away, his eyes closed as he sighed happily and rested his forehead against yours.

“Until I make up for the three years I put you through,” he mumbled, and you smiled softly as your lips grazed over his lightly. As you pulled back, he leaned forward and peppered kisses across your face.

“So, until forever?” you teased with a quiet giggle.

“Until forever,” he whispered, lips meeting yours once more.

#tsukishima kei #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu angst #haikyuu imagines #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei angst #tsukishima angst #tsukishima kei scenarios #tsukishima kei imagine #tsukishima kei imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu drabbles

[howlingday]

tragic backstory (tm) au) jaune accidently seduces ren and nora at the same time! clearly he's trying to form a harem to recreate his royal line! it's not like he's just being nice and nora's weak to genuine kindness after a lifetime of being an orphan.

pyrrha steps up her game to be seduced and asks jaune to really try his best lines on her... as a joke obviously not for any real reason.

turns out when jaune's allowed to just tell people what he truly admires about them he's pretty damn smooth. hell even weiss fought a blush when he told her he was totally in awe of her determination to better herself no matter the opposition.

and the less said about pyrrha's utter break down as he tells her how much she means to him after being the first one to truly give him a chance and how he's also stunned by her devotion to the things she cares about the better (he also admits she's got great legs and an amazing ass when yang pushes the issue)

tldr: everyone's getting compliments today!

Flattery Gets You Everything

Ren and Nora grew up together. Having been among the lucky few who survived the Kuro Yuri extermination, they had been through everything. The highs and lows, the thicks and thins, and especially the harsh and soft. When you spend your entire life with someone like that, people are bound to assume your relationship. People not excluding those in question. Nora and Ren were together, just not together-together.

Jaune: Are you sure you're not dating? I mean, I think you'd make a cute couple.

Nora: No way! I don't want to ruin our friendship if something goes wrong!

Jaune: Hm... Yeah, I can see that. I'll respect your decision, then.

Ren: Thank you, Jaune.

Nora: Yeah, thanks. I don't think I could handle the pressure of it.

Jaune: That's fine. I could always take the pressure off you, if you want.

Nora: Eh?

Jaune: I mean, look at him! He's got that lean muscle style every girl wants. Not mention his long, silky smooth hair that always smells nice, and he's really nice. Plus, he cooks and cleans better than anyone else! If you won't date him, and I'm just saying here, somebody will do it before you.

Nora: (Slides in front of Ren as he blushes) No way! You can't have him!

Jaune: Okay, in that case, can I have you?

Nora: ...W-W-What?!

Jaune: I mean, you are really cute. You're also strong, upbeat and bubbly, and you make the cutest noises. I'm kind of surprised nobody's tried to kiss you yet!

Nora: (Blushing) I... I...

Ren: (Wraps arms around Nora) No.

Jaune: No?

Nora: No! (Slips out, Blocks Jaune) I'll protect you, Ren!

Ren: (Leaps over Nora, Blocks Jaune) No, I'll protect you!

Nora: (Picks up Ren, Puts him behind her)

Ren: (Slips under Nora, Stands in front of her)

Jaune: (Chuckles) You two are adorable! Maybe I'll just have to have you both!

Nora: (Shoves Ren) You take him!

Ren: No, (Tosses Nora around to his front) you take him!

Pyrrha: (Glaring with a pout)

Nora: And then we kind of just kept swapping places until he left.

Jaune: It was kind of funny.

Nora: Don't play with a maiden's heart, Jaune! It'll only end bad for you!

Yang: Wait, Jaune was smooth for both a guy and a girl?

Jaune: Why did you point out the guy first?

Yang: I don't buy it. Jaune's a lot of things, but a flirt, he isn't. Of all the fish in the sea, he's definitely the coldest of fish.

Jaune: (Chuckles) That's really funny, Yang. Tell me, do you practice your jokes in the mirror before or after becoming so beautiful? (Wink~!)

Yang: (Covers her face to hide her blush, Thinking) Damn it, Jaune, I'm your sister! You can't be saying stuff like that!

Weiss: It looks like you finally met your match, Xiao Long.

Jaune: If only we could find something to match your radiance, my beautiful Snow Angel, but I'm afraid the moon is too pale in comparison. (Wink~!)

Weiss: (Blushing, Stammering over her words)

Ruby: Ooh! Me next! Me next!

Jaune: Uh, okay. (Clears his throat, Takes a deep breath) Your Crescent Rose is quite the deadly tool, but your lips would slay me a thousand times over. (Wink~!)

Ruby: (Blushing, Giggles as she squirms)

Nora: Not so funny now, is it?

Ren: His skills are quite impressive.

Blake: I've read better.

Jaune: But of course! A woman of such refined taste deserves nothing less than the world. And I would gladly give it to you. (Wink~!)

Blake: (Blushing into her book, Thinking) That was page 278 of Ninjas of Love, before he...!

Pyrrha: What's going on?

Ren: (Thinking) Oh no, Nora, don't-!

Nora: Jaune's flirting with everyone, and he's really good at it!

Pyrrha: (Eye twitch) Oh, really?

Nora: Yeah, show her, Jaune!

Jaune: Okay. (Gets up, Holds Pyrrha and twirls her before dipping her low) My darling partner, I thank the heavens above every day for blessing me with a beautiful gift as you, for I am nothing without the guidance of my friend, my partner, my mentor, and my... Pyrrha?

Pyrrha: (Blushing, Giggling)

Jaune: (Pulls her up, Sits her down at the table) I think I might have overdone it.

Nora: Gee, you think?!

Velvet: Um, Jaune, could I talk to you for a moment?

Jaune: My dear, you can have me anytime, anywhere. (Wink~!)

Velvet: (Blushing) Oh, um, well...

Jaune: Crap! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to flirt like that!

Ren: Yours is truly the most dangerous power.

#rwby #rwby au #tragic backstory (tm) au #jaune arc #nora valkyrie #lie ren #ruby rose #yang xiao long #weiss schnee #blake belladonna #pyrrha nikos #velvet scarlatina #velvet scarletina