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fandomxpreferences · 11 months

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Fair Game

Masterlist

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Kook!Reader, Rafe Cameron x Kook!reader

TW:18+, cheating, dysfunctional relationship,alcohol consumption, mentions of weed, smut, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, praise kink, spanking

Summary: JJ sets his sight on something that isn't his.

Word Count:4.8k

JJ watches you intently over the rim of his red solo cup, the plastic crushed between his fingers so hard it's seconds away from busting. You're hanging off of Rafe's arm as he ignores your attempts to garner his attention, too caught up in his shitty conversation with his even shittier friends.

You're entirely too pretty in your sundress that sits just below the curve of your ass to be asking for an ounce of affection. The world should be falling at your feet, and JJ wonders if you know the power you could hold if you decided you want it.

You're all soft glowing skin and sun-bleached hair, the type of ethereal beauty that isn't of this world. Your effervescent personality radiates wherever you go, and he's seen guys fall under your trance on more than one occasion without you even noticing the effect you have.

JJ isn't sure of a lot of things in life, but the one fact he's absolutely certain of is that Rafe Cameron doesn't deserve you. He doesn't cherish you the way he should, or kiss the ground you walk on, grateful to even be in your presence. JJ would.

He doesn't have a lot going for him in terms of money, but he damn sure knows how to treat a lady. JJ swears, hand to God, that you belong in a museum. Though, on the flip side, he doesn't like the idea of anyone else getting to observe you the way he does.

He stares with steely blue eyes and rigid muscles as you resign to your fate, folding into yourself when you realize you're just a background character in your boyfriend's life tonight. You're too nice, borderline angelic, as you keep up the persona of a doting girlfriend.

Though, JJ has been laser-focused on you for the majority of the evening and doesn't miss the way your smile falters for half a second or the way the light in your eyes dims. He hates it. JJ could treat you better, he knows that as much as he knows the ocean will be waiting for him in the morning.

He wonders if your lips taste as sweet as they look or if you still use that coconut coffee lotion that he got a whiff of one day that hasn't left his mind since. He doesn't understand just what you see in the kook king if he's being honest.

He figures it must be your habit of forgiving too fast, always wanting to see the best in people even when there's nothing good to begin with. He's convinced that Rafe doesn't buy you flowers or open doors for you, both things he would do religiously if given the opportunity.

He doesn't think that Rafe takes his time with you, worshipping you like a priceless artifact the way you deserve. Oh, but JJ would. He'd kiss every inch of your body, and spend hours drowning you in love and affection until you're sure you're swimming in a sea of it.

He isn't usually one to be enamored, especially with a kook. He also wouldn't consider himself the type to steal another man's girlfriend, but the way the moonlight is bouncing off your face makes him think maybe he doesn't know himself at all.

His eyes stay glued to your figure as Rafe whispers something in your ear, jealousy rearing its ugly head. That should be him sending a shiver up your spine and getting drunk off the scent of your shampoo.

He briefly tries to think of a game plan to get you alone, if only for a minute, when fate hands him his wish on a silver platter. You're moving toward the keg now, no doubt acting as Rafe's personal bartender.

His feet carry him forward with purpose, any logical thought erased from his mind the closer he gets to you. He swears you must be a siren, emitting some sort of magnetic pull that he couldn't resist even if he tried.

"Hey. Y/N, right?"

He feigns mild ignorance, not wanting to come on too strong. He knows your name; it's engraved on his heart in a pretty script that matches your handwriting.

You turn around, bright smile growing wider upon seeing him. It's always present, a permanent staple of your personality just the same as your bubbly laugh and kind heart. He speculates that your parents never taught you about stranger danger as his own grin split his features, signature dimples popping out on either side.

"Hey, JJ!"

His heart skips a beat upon hearing you say his name, your saccharine voice floating to his ears like a summer symphony. It skips again when it registers that you know who he is, and he thinks this might be what kills him. What a blissful way to go.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing over here all alone?"

His eyes light up at the way a blush stains your cheeks, your hand coming up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

"Oh, I'm just getting Rafe another drink."

He nods his head and lets out a disappointed 'ah', pretending like he didn't already know your answer.

"He let you wander off all on your own? Some boyfriend."

He knows the comment is out of pocket, and does his best to make it sound playful even though a clear tone of disdain slips through. You chuckle lightly and raise your eyebrows for a second, and he feels the tides start to turn.

You don't jump to Rafe's defense the way he's heard before in passing. In fact, you almost seem to agree with the sentiment.

"Whatcha drinking? You look thirsty."

He doesn't even know what that means. How does someone look thirsty? It's better than what he wants to say though which is 'You look like someone I could love for the rest of my life and then some.'

"Just water. I can't really drink."

Your eyes are cast toward the ground as you answer his question, and his eyebrows furrow. Now, JJ has seen you out drink frat boys before so he knows that's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. You used to be the first one to grab a drink and the last one to turn down a keg stand.

Now that he thinks about it, you used to do a lot of things that you don't anymore. You used to be louder, more adventurous with the mouth of a sailor despite looking innocent as a nun. He hasn't been able to focus on anything but the idea of what you'd look like tucked into his side, and it's hitting him like a train how much you've changed.

You're more reserved, timid almost. Always perfectly put together with styled curls and flawless makeup.

"Can't or aren't allowed to?"

The words leave his mouth before he can stop himself, rage flooding his system as he puts the pieces together. Rafe doesn't love you; not for who you are. He loves the way you boost his image, a perfect prospect to be his future trophy wife.

"It's not that I'm not allowed,"

Your eyebrows pinch together and JJ has to stuff his hand in his pocket to resist the urge to smooth over the creases with his thumb.

"Rafe just usually gets too drunk and causes problems. It's easier if I'm sober."

JJ tsks, displeased with your excuse, and takes a daring step forward.

"You know, we're playing a life or death game. No one makes it out of this alive, so you might as well make the most of your time."

He extends his cup to you, a sparkle in his irises as he beckons you to take a risk. You mull over his words for a moment, turning to look at Rafe. He hasn't even noticed you're gone, and some days you wonder whether he'd know if you stopped showing up altogether.

JJ tilts the cup forward, a mischievous smile on his lips when he sees you considering the idea. He laughs victoriously when you take the cup and bring it to your lips, chugging the contents with ease. You don't even grimace at the strong liquor, holding it out to him and nodding.

"Bottoms up."

He takes the hint, leading you to the side where his private stash is hidden in a bush. Your head whips around when you hear loud laughter, and JJ follows your line of sight to the beer bong table.

"Wanna play?"

You smile once again, your eyes lighting up at the idea.

"Fuck yeah."

He cheers you on, giving you high fives and sideways hugs each time you sink a ball, completely obliterating the other team. Not to his surprise, Rafe doesn't come looking for you once.

On the contrary, he seems preoccupied. JJ's stomach sinks when he sees Rafe sitting by the bonfire with another woman curled up in his lap, her hand trailing dangerously close to his belt. You're well past intoxicated at this point, most of your body weight leaning on JJ for support.

You don't seem to miss your boyfriend at all, or even realize he exists, and this sparks his interest. He's been so focused on the fact that Rafe doesn't seem to care for you, that he hasn't even stopped to think that maybe you don't care for him either.

"Don't wanna."

JJ's head tilts down to look at you, confusion evident in his ocean eyes as you slur into his shoulder.

"Don't wanna what, cupcake?"

Your movements are sloppy as you shift your head to peer up at him through glassy eyes and long lashes, and JJ's hold on you tightens.

"Dont wanna go home with him."

His eyes rake over your features for a second, trying to figure out if these are just drunken words or sober thoughts. He can't help his curiosity, his free hand coming up to smooth out your messy hair.

"Why not?"

You huff dramatically, eyes rolling so hard JJs sure you can see the back of your skull.

"S'no fun. You're fun. And pretty."

You grin as your eyes flutter closed, and JJ chuckles.

"You think I'm pretty?"

Your eyes suddenly shoot open and you stand up straight, albeit on wobbly legs.

"Have you seen yourself? You have these lil' dimples and fluffy blonde hair and a cute laugh. Don't even get me started on how good you smell."

Your fingers poke his cheek and ruffle his hair as you say it, and he barely contains a groan at the feeling of you tugging on the strands.

"If you don't wanna go with him, I'll take you wherever you ask me to."

You perk up at this and take his face between your hands in a way that squishes his cheeks and makes his heart pound.

"Your place!"

His eyes widen slightly as he tries to shake his head, a giggle falling from your lips when his hair tickles your hand.

"I don't know, cupcake. You're really plastered and-"

You cut him off, doing your best to look stern although it doesn't quite work.

"Please? I'll be good, I promise. Just wanna sleep."

He mulls over the idea for a second before lacing his fingers with yours and pulling you toward the parking lot. You squeal in glee, paying no mind to your boyfriend that looks seconds away from fucking a stranger.

It breaks JJ's heart, the fact that this is nothing new glaringly obvious to him. He briefly wonders if you would have even gone home with Rafe, or if the asshole would have left you to find your own way back. Find a way, you did.

Any guilt he had before is destroyed, and he sets you on his bike before placing his helmet on your head and climbing on. You wrap your arms around his torso instantly, heat radiating off your form as you mold your body to his.

"Don't let go, okay?"

He feels you shake your head and nuzzle in further, your arms tightening in the process.

"Never."

Wind whips around you as JJ speeds toward the chateau, your body naturally leaning with his when he takes a turn. The coolness that comes with the blanket of night raises goosebumps on your bare arms and he brings a hand down to hold your trembling fingers.

"Almost there." He promises, and you squeeze his hand in acknowledgment.

True to his word, it's only a couple more minutes before he comes to a stop and helps you steady yourself in the grass.

You follow him silently as he leads you up to the porch, your feet stumbling a bit as you try to climb the steps with airy giggles.

His hands never leave your waist, ensuring you don't face plant while he guides you toward the spare bedroom.

You take in the space through blurry vision; posters plastered to the walls and various t-shirts scattered about. It smells of old spice and weed, a scent you've come to associate with the surfer in the past few hours.

It's wildly different from Rafes pristine and minimally decorated room that always makes you uneasy. Nothing about it feels warm or safe, you're always terrified to leave a stain or bump something out of place.

Standing here now you're immediately engulfed in comfort, and you can't help the feeling of being home.

JJ watches as you strip off your dress, trying and failing to avert his eyes from the bare skin now in front of him, as he argues with himself that he's not seeing any more than he does when you wear a bikini.

His gaze follows you while you float around his makeshift room, your small hand gripping one of his t-shirts. You slip it over your head like you've done it a thousand times before, closing your eyes to inhale the lingering fragrance of JJ.

He's engulfed you in every way except physically now as you curl up under his comforter, a blissful smile on your features.

JJ is frozen in place, trying to process this entire night. Somehow, he's ended up with you in his bed in the most domestic way possible and his mind can't quite make sense of it. It seems so foreign yet so natural at the same time, something in his chest screaming that this is how it should have always been.

His lust turns to adoration when you nuzzle into his pillow, butterflies trying to claw out of his stomach as he notices you seem to feel the same way. You look at peace with your hair fanned around your head like a halo and hands tucked up under your chin to hold the blanket close.

He fights every cell in his body as he turns around to let you sleep, but stops when your tired voice rings out.

"Where are you going?"

You sound so angelic with a soft tone that makes his heart melt, a tinge of sadness lying under the surface.

"I just assumed-" He cuts himself off, turning to the side just enough to meet your gaze.

You look so small and innocent, big doe eyes silently pleading for him not to leave. He knows it's a bad idea; you'll probably kick him in the dick as soon as you wake up sober and realize who you're laying next to.

Despite that fear, he craves your tender touch and glances between you and the door as war wages in his head.

"Stay with me. Please?" You whisper, and his eyelids flutter closed.

Who is he to deny you? He's been willing to burn the world down and dance in the embers just to see you smile ever since he first laid eyes on you, so how is he supposed to turn down such a simple request?

He hesitates for only a moment just to avoid seeming too eager before joining you in the safety of his bed. Something about you calls out to him, and his body overrides any objections his mind may have made.

Rafe is long forgotten as you snuggle into JJ, his muscular arms finding purchase around your waist. You hum in contentment, your mind cloudy from the alcohol but still coherent enough to understand where you are and who you're with.

You fall into a deep slumber almost instantly, the warmth radiating off his body acting as a sedative. He follows suit, drifting off against his will. He already feels like he's in a dream, and he dreads the fact that he'll probably wake up to an empty bed.

His worries are erased when he's awoken by sun rays beaming through the broken blinds to find you still cuddled into him. Your legs have tangled through the night, bringing the two of you impossibly closer as he can't tell where he ends and you begin.

He just lays there in silence, basking in the beauty of your morning hair and soft snores. It doesn't take long for you to stir, and his heart rate spikes so quickly that he thinks he may have a heart attack.

"G'morning." You mumble, and he stays quiet not wanting to pop the bubble of paradise the two of you are in. It's not until you press a lingering kiss to his arm that he finally speaks up, unaware if you know it's him your lips are touching.

"Morning."

He feels you grin against his skin as you register his deep voice, still thick with sleep. Every second that passes feels like a bomb waiting to be detonated, ticking toward the inevitable moment that you rouse from your sleepiness enough to put the pieces together.

The other shoe never drops though, and you turn around to bury your face into his bare chest. He stiffens for a second before relaxing into you and looks down when he feels you tilt your face up to peer at him.

The confusion and anger that he was expecting are nowhere to be seen, tranquility swimming in the eyes he thought would hold fire.

"Sleep well?" You whisper, and he nods slowly; unsure if he ever actually woke up.

"Best sleep I've ever gotten."

You hum in acknowledgment, and he nearly combusts right then and there.

"Me too."

This gives him a little more confidence, the idea that you slept better with him than Rafe going straight to his head. His heart pounds in his ears, and he's sure that you can see it trying to break out of his chest like a cartoon.

"I hate to be the one to bring it up, but won't Rafe be wondering where you are?"

The words taste like acid on his tongue, and he wishes he could take them back the second they hang in the air. You let out a long sigh and prop up on your elbow to see him better.

"He's most likely waking up with his flavor of the night in a far more compromising position than this, so honestly? Probably not."

The casualty with which you say it makes JJ's stomach plummet, an air of familiarity around the statement. He doesn't press for more details, sure that it's not something you want to talk about.

"He's a fucking idiot."

He says it before he can think better of it, and is relieved when you bark out a short laugh.

"Yeah, he is."

JJ's brows pull together as he analyzes your expression, trying to decipher what's going on in your head.

"So why are you with him?"

He knows it's none of his business, but the way you seem so open compels him to ask anyway. You flop back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling, placing both hands on your stomach before turning your head to the side to look at him.

"I don't know. It just kept going on, and the longer we were together the harder it seemed to leave."

Your use of past tense catches his attention and he brushes a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Were together?"

It's only two words, yet you know exactly what he's asking.

"No way he wants anything to do with me after this. He's allowed to fuck who he wants, I'm not." You scoff. "It's kind of just the way of the kooks. There's the prim and proper trophy wife and then the side pieces that actually hold his attention. It's fucked, but it seems to work for most of them."

JJ crinkles his nose at the idea, disgusted that anyone could see you as anything other than the catch you are.

"What about you? Would you be happy with a life like that?"

You purse your lips for a moment, digesting his question before shaking your head.

"No. I'd rather be broke and in love than miserable and cushy." You answer honestly, and JJ smiles.

"Stay with me." He almost begs, any shame demolished by the mere idea of getting to hold you every night.

Your eyebrows shoot up at his forwardness, and you run a finger down his jaw while leaning in closer.

"You think you could treat me better?" You tease, but JJ's face is stoic as he replies.

"I know I could."

This elicits a real smile, the one that causes your eyes to crinkle in the corners in a way he hasn't witnessed since you started your tumultuous relationship.

"Convince me."

There's a sultriness to your voice that causes his brain to go haywire, and he glances at your lips in a silent request for permission. You answer by closing the gap between your mouths, kissing him slow and soft.

It doesn't say that way for long, quickly turning into clashing teeth and battling tongues as he takes dominance over you.

"God, you taste even better than I imagined." He sighs, licking his lips as he tastes the cherry lipgloss that somehow still stains your lips.

You moan into him when he shifts on top of you, your mouth falling open when he trails his lips down your jaw before sucking at the pulse point beneath your ear.

"Is this okay?" He stops for a moment to check in, and your only response is pressing his face back into your neck while he smirks.

You relish in the way he feels against you, the oversized t-shirt giving him easy access to where you crave him most.

He pushes your panties aside and dips a ringed finger between your folds, groaning when he feels how wet you are already.

"All this for me?" He rasps, and you nod quickly.

"I'm the luckiest motherfucker to ever walk the earth."

Your lip quirks up at his statement, your body burning hot under his gaze. You've never felt so desired, and it causes you to drip onto the sheets.

He makes quick work of your clothes, stripping you down so you're sprawled out beneath him fully nude. Under different circumstances, nerves would cause you to try and cover yourself up. You don't even consider the idea as JJ stares at you like you're a rare piece of artwork the world has never seen.

He thinks he must have died and gone to heaven as he takes in the expanse of silky flesh that's at his disposal. There's so much he wants to do, but he starts with exploring every inch of unmarked territory.

"You smell so fucking good. So soft and breathtaking."

You're a blubbering mess of moans and gasps as his lips attack anywhere they can reach, sucking amethyst bruises into your skin.

"You're so god damn stunning. The prettiest thing I've ever seen. Look at you panting and shivering when I've barely even done anything." He keens, and you arch your back to press into him.

"Patience, baby. I want to take my time with you."

You start to whine but are cut off by a moan when his lips attach to your nipple. He's slow and deliberate as he nibbles and laps at the perked mound before giving your other the same attention.

By the time he kisses down your stomach and sits in front of your heat, you're begging for some kind of relief.

"Please, JJ." You whimper, and he looks up at you with lust-blown pupils.

"God, my name sounds like the prettiest song coming from those sinful lips."

You don't have a chance to respond before his mouth wraps around your clit, and you cry out when he plunges two thick fingers into your slick. He curls his digits in the most delicious way, finding that sweet spot that sends fire down your nerves with ease.

He doesn't waste any more time teasing, aware of how desperate you are for your release. He moans into you when your walls clamp down, the vibrations nearly sending you hurtling over the edge into blinding pleasure.

He takes you in, mesmerized by the way your body glistens with a thin sheet of sweat and writhes against him. You're bucking into his face, chasing that sweet end, and his other hand rubs at his painfully hard cock through his sweatpants.

"Come for me. Let me have it all. I wanna memorize how you sound and taste." He groans, and he continues his movements as your body spasms. He lets you ride out your high and drags his tongue across you in broad stripes before moving back up to your face.

You accept his tongue eagerly, letting him explore your mouth before licking your arousal off his chin.

"Taste how sweet you are, angel?" He pants, and you nod before reattaching your lips to his.

He moves to grab a condom out of the nightstand, and you stop him to suck on his fingers.

"I'm on birth control." You assure him, and the last of his restraint disintegrates.

He rips his sweats and boxers off in one motion before positioning himself at your entrance.

"I need you now. I don't think I can make this slow and sweet." He growls, and the way you blink up at him nearly makes him bust instantly.

"Fuck me, JJ."

That's all the instruction he needs, and you release a strangled gasp when he thrusts into you. His hips clash against yours as he bottoms out, and he uses the last of his willpower to give you a moment to adjust.

You grind against him subconsciously, and he sets a brutal pace. The bed creaks as it slams against the wall, the rhythmic thumping combining with your sweet sounds to create an intoxicating melody.

He props one elbow beside your head while his other hand grabs your wrists and pins them above you. Your brain goes completely blank except for the feeling of his cock pistoning into you and the way his face contorts in pleasure.

His furrowed brows and gaping mouth bring you closer to that second release, and his head drops onto your chest when you clench around him.

"How the fuck are you so tight? God, you're gonna kill me." He strains, and your eyes roll back in your head.

He's quick to flip you onto your stomach, large hands bringing your hips to be level with his as he slides back into you. Your face presses into the bed as your fists claw at the sheets, your back arched so sharply that it brings a delightful mix of pain and pleasure.

The sound of shrill moans and strangled grunts bounce off the walls, surely alerting anyone else in the house of what's taking place but you don't care. The feeling of him inside of you combined with his bruising grip is enough to drive you mad, and it makes you delirious in the best way.

"You're taking me so fucking well. Like this pussy was made for me."

You whimper at the lewd praise and his hand comes down on your ass in a sharp slap as your thighs quiver.

"You gonna be a good girl and come on my cock, baby? Soak me and these sheets? Come on, make a mess. Make me proud."

Stars erupt behind your eyelids as white-hot pleasure surges through every square inch of your body, your muscles contracting as your second orgasm rips through you violently. You feel JJ become more erratic behind you, a broken moan tearing from his lips as he coats your walls with hot ribbons of cum.

He slowly comes to a stop, both of you disheveled with tangled hair and flushed skin as you try to catch your breath. You collapse as soon as he relinquishes his hold, and he gently pulls you into his chest and hikes your leg over his waist while you wait for the feeling to come back to your limbs.

"Holy shit." You mutter, and he chuckles before nodding in agreement.

"Was that enough to persuade you?" He jests, and you give him a lazy fucked out smile while he rubs his thumb along your thigh absentmindedly.

"Hm, I don't know. Might take a little more to really seal the deal."

JJ licks a stripe along your cheek playfully as you giggle before dropping his mouth to your ear.

"That's just the beginning."

@genius2050

#jj maybank imagine #jj maybank smut #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fic #jj maybank #jj maybank outer banks #outer banks imagine #outer banks smut #outer banks fic #outer banks #obx imagine #obx smut

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liminalpebble · 7 months

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Never Enough (A Loki Comfort Fic)

Summary: It's not a easy life in Asgard's palace as Frigga's witchling apprentice and a victim of relentless teasing thanks to Thor and his warrior posse. You feel like a failure and a misfit, until the patron god of failures and misfits decides to comfort you.

A/N: Angst, comfort, fluff fic (ultimately feel good). Wholesome. Pre-Thor 1 Loki. Loki x reader. Just a little something I wrote to cheer myself up after a week of feeling like I'm getting it all wrong and being stupid. I hope it makes you feel better too if you're going through the same thing.

----

You slammed through the double doors and took long angry strides down the hallway, anxious to get to the privacy of your quarters before tears released themselves from your eyes. None of them...NONE of them...had ever seen you cry, or scream or loose your temper, and you'd be damned if they saw it now.

You considered it some kind of dysfunctional personal record at this point. You saw inscrutability as a strength. If you had to feel alone, you figured, you could at least lean into it and make yourself strong enough to not need the people who would reject you anyway.

All they saw was the serious apprentice in the black velvet gown who stuck to the shadows in every way. Thor, however, saw this seriousness as an opportunity for jest between himself and his warrior friends on many occasions. One day, when the entire court dined together, he turned from his pile of food and gallon of ale to smile at you. Your heart and stomach dropped, knowing he was somehow about to make an ass of you despite your best efforts.

He bellowed your name. You closed your eyes and let out a long breath, gathering your patience for the great oaf.

“Yes, Your Highness?”

“Tell me, who do you favor in the races?”

“I know not of them, Prince, so I have no preference.”

“Yes, but for the hel of it. Pick one,” he goaded.

“I suppose Volstagg's steed, as it has the better record?”

The entire room erupted in raucous laughter. All except for one person. The younger prince of Asgard sat quietly with a dangerous look on his pale face.

Fandral shouted drunkenly, “My lady, Volstagg's steed couldn't jump over a single brick, much less a full set of hurdles. Are you entirely sure you're Asgardian, knowing so little about these things?”

Another ripple of laughter erupted around the room. This, you thought, was the final straw. You couldn't stop making small stupid errors lately in your magical training with Frigga. Although she was patient and kind, you could see the disapproval in your beloved mentor's eyes and that was worse than a tirade. And now this.

You took a breath, gathered yourself behind the inscrutable mask you were so accustomed to now, and politely excused yourself for the evening with some remark about the late hour.

-----

Now you raced against your feelings as you stepped quickly down the marble hall, nearly to the safety of your quarters, to privacy. I'm going to make it. You told yourself.

As you reached towards the door of your quarters, a blinding green light interrupted you and Loki's form materialized in your path.

You flinched a little, surprised that the younger prince stood before you with his hands calmly held behind his back.

Alright, just a little longer. Keep it together just a little longer. You ordered yourself.

“Your...Your Highness. What can I do for you?”

He took a measured breath and stepped closer, icy eyes looking down to meet yours, “Dear lady, I was actually wondering what I could do for you.”

You swallowed hard. You had always found the sly brilliant prince intimidating. You studied magic alongside him under Frigga's tutelage. He was spectacular, running circles around you every single lesson. In all these years, he never so much as said an entire sentence to you until now. He seemed barely aware of your presence, in fact, focused instead on larger schemes, ambition and glorious purpose.

You chuckled at the thought. Glorious purpose...meanwhile I have no purpose at all.

“What's so funny?” the prince asked, brows knitted in confusion.

To your horror, you found you had only begun to laugh harder and suddenly you couldn't stop, “Sorry...my liege...I just. Sometimes the arbitrary cruelty of my stupid life strikes me as, well, very tragic...and very funny.”

To your surprise, Loki smiled...not a small polite grin that you'd seen him give many times, but a full wide mischievous Cheshire cat smile, broadcasting an almost manic delight. It frightened you a bit, but gods, he looked even more shockingly handsome than before. You didn't think that was possible.

You flinched a little as he walked closer and his hand came to your face. His fingers felt cool against your hot skin as you realized he was wiping tears away; tears you didn't even realize you had begun to cry.

He nodded toward your door and placed a graceful hand on the small of your back, guiding you. With an understanding kindness in his eyes he whispered. “Come on, let's sit and talk.”

-----

As you sat facing each other on your couch, he conjured two warm cups of tea and a blanket around you. Surprised, you gripped both closer to you and the warm comfort began to seep through the cracks of your icy loneliness.

“Thank you,” you said with a small smile.

He inclined his head of beautiful black hair in a graceful nod. “My pleasure.”

“Forgive me for asking, Your Highness...”

“Loki...just Loki...please.”

“Loki,” you said slowly, cautiously. “Why...why are you doing this? Why are you being so kind.”

He sipped for a moment, taking time to gather his thoughts (a habit his brother apparently didn't share). “I know what it's like. I've been where you are. I've felt what you feel.”

His large lovely eyes never left you, bright and blue and full of sincerity. Not what you were expecting from the god of lies. “Forgive me, Si....Loki...but no, you don't. And no, you haven't.” You took a deep breath and looked to your hands, his intense gaze becoming too much. “You're perfect...at magic...at everything...a prince of the realm. Your place is solid and secure and important. You have a glorious purpose. I...I am simply not enough...not good enough...not smart enough...not enough like them.”

You began to sniff and squint and look away, horrified that the hot tears dared to fall in front of him, of all people. His long hand found yours and encompassed it. He scooted closer and said, “Darling, I assure you, I'm not perfect. I've also been the butt of Thor's stupid jokes and mockery for years on end, the mere spare prince to my kingdom. No one listens to me. I'm not like them. I never was, and I'm not sure why. Much like you, I say very little because I'm trying to be strong, trying to not give them any more fodder to ridicule me. I live in the shadows, just as you do.”

You met his piercing eyes this time, with your soft ones. Loki thought they looked so kind, that you looked so beautiful in this moment and he scolded himself for not reaching out to you sooner. He had always had so much affection for your, but he never dared come closer. You had built walls around yourself just as high and thick as his own, after all. Of course, It didn't fool him, and he always wanted to know what was behind them. “That's a shame,” you said, squeezing his hand. “How can they not see how incredible you are. How dare they treat such a beautiful person so badly?” You said in awe.

He peaked his eyebrows and smiled sweetly, his own eyes welling at your praise. Loki had always seemed dangerous and alluring to you, all angles and metal and leather and deep silky voice. You had never seen him so solicitous and vulnerable. You said carefully, “I...I realize, that this is a gift, you've given me. I don't take it for granted.”

“What do you mean?”

“Seeing you more...intimately. I'm grateful. It's good to not be alone for once.”

“You matter, darling. You are so much more than 'enough'. You are exquisite.” he said, kissing your forehead. “Now,” he said, conjuring a dagger with a dangerous glint in his eye, “Let have a bit of fun with Thor and his friends, shall we?”

@evelyn-rathmore @muddyorbs @icytrickster17 @unlucky-number-13 @lokischambermaid @lokisgoodgirl @peaches1958 @sweetsigyn @ladyofthestayingpower @loz-3 @alexakeyloveloki @coldnique @acidcasualties @marcotheflychair @gigglingtiggerv2 @smolvenger @loopsisloops @joyful-enchantress @lokihiddleston @peachyjinx @thedistractedagglomeration @thenerdyoldersister @sarahscribbles @sailorholly @littlespaceyelf @eleniblue @mochie85 @infinitystoner @tripleyeeet @goblingirlsarah @mischief2sarawr @mischiefmaker615 @itsybitchylittlewitchy @holdmytesseract @viv-annelore

#loki fanfic #loki #loki x reader #loki fluff #loki comfort

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iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia · 3 months

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I haven't seen it yet but full hc for the m6 with an MC on the ADHD spectrum

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC who has ADHD

~ @themushroomgoesyeet hope you like these! I'm writing half from personal experience, half from what I've read and heard. Please let me know if there's anything that need correcting! ~

Julian

ADHD is a less familiar subject for him, if only because his areas of specialty so far have been contagious diseases and battle wounds

He's also not really one to judge you for difficulty keeping a sleep schedule, self-medicating with caffeine, or spending days on end obsessively learning everything you can about a specific subject

What's abundantly clear to him, though, is that you do not deserve to live with the guilt that comes from your own brain hijacking every commitment and interest that it doesn't prioritize

He knows what it's like to feel guilty for something that wasn't your fault, and he doesn't like seeing you live with it

The way he sees it, he's even more to blame for his shortcomings than you are, because you're actively working against your own brain and he's just ... sad (you'll have to tell him that this is not true)

This is going to become one of those shared challenges you tackle together as a couple

He'll write down all the bad effects of too much caffeine to motivate him to reduce your combined intake

You remind him to go to bed with you at a decent hour and call it "poetry time" instead of "bedtime" to trick both of your brains into not thinking of it as the end of the day

Asra

They love you. They love you so much. They never, ever want to get in the way of your preferences and vision

He enables you maaaybe a little more than he should

Staying up late is a great idea! Spending the entire day on your current fixation with no break to go outside or talk to people? Hey, don't let them ruin your fun ~

Thankfully, he cares about you far too much to leave you to engage in anything genuinely self destructive

Once the amount of caffeine you've consumed goes from "inadvisable" to "concerning," once your sleep schedule goes from "not ideal" to "dysfunctional", they'll step in in the gentlest way

Another cup of coffee? Let him get you some soothing tea. Another all-nighter? Snuggle him first, let him help you meditate a bit and see if you don't get drowsy

Nobody can combat executive dysfunction like this magician

All it takes is them feeling the slowly building dread through your bond, and they're lovingly poofing you off of the couch/floor/counter and into a very ticklish hug

His lifestyle is heavily ADHD coded as it is. He remains completely unfazed by the roller coaster that your brain can be

Nadia

To her, you are the best possible version of her opposite

She has a hard time changing between trains of thought. You reboot yours every time you walk through a door!

She sometimes forgets to slow down and appreciate the small things in favor of the bigger picture. You, on the other hand, are constantly pausing to notice them

And don't get her started on how much she admires your capacity to learn so much specialized knowledge in such a short period of time. It's truly astonishing and she adores it

However, she can tell that leaving it unchecked and untreated will make it difficult for you to function in the Palace's normal setup, much less follow regular routines

Quick to find a specialist in your condition and set up a few sessions with them, coming up with ways to work with your diagnoses and exploring medication options that you like

Insanely good at helping you keep your mind on track and regulate your attention and focus levels, even when it means pulling you away from a task that's about to eat up half your day

Likes to idly study the chaotic way you manage your personal spaces and try to figure out what the method to the madness is

Muriel

What, you think he's not used to living with a chaotic being that'll start three projects in a row before randomly walking out and not reappearing for several hours? Please.

Truthfully, there are some small things that annoy him. He likes predictability, and your base state of functioning is taking the next random tangent. That's not easy to not worry about

However, he knows that living with him takes plenty of patience as well. As long as you two can be patient with each other's quirks, and respectful when you lovingly intervene, that's what matters

He still loves hearing you ramble

He likes watching your eyes light up, listening to the excited lilt of your voice as you infodump all the new specialized knowledge you've gobbled up

That aside, he does love learning. Each of your new fixations is a new field of education for him by proxy

He's also someone who thrives on habit and routine and isn't afraid to put his foot down when your wellbeing is involved

He will scoop you up in his arms and lovingly carry you to bed when the bags under your eyes get too prominent and you start to nod off mid-sentence

Portia

Portia looks at you like you hung the moon. Portia thinks that every magical thing you do is mind-blowingly amazing. Portia assumes that all of your little quirks and non-habits are just you being you

Hey, if finding one specific food and eating it and only it for days on end is something you want to do, cool! Maybe it's secretly satisfying some magician's craving!

You're going to think about one thing and one thing only and learn everything there is to know about that thing? That's some badass scholarly behavior right there.

Well - except for the part where you forget something exists as soon as it's not in your hand anymore, or where time really does seem like a social construct, or where you somehow get physically and mentally stuck in one spot without being able to move

That looks ... miserable

Nobody can manage chaos like she can. She'll help you snap out of it, she'll remind you to eat and sleep and take your meds, she'll regularly ask when last you went outside or took a bath

And when you mess up - when you miss an event, or fall behind schedule, or leave things to pile up until they're too much - she'll be right next to you with an encouraging smile and plenty of grace

Lucio

This works either really well or really poorly, depending on the day, how he's doing, how you're doing, what you're both supposed to be doing, what the weather's like ...

It's unpredictable, but that's the fun of it!

Much of the time, your strong points support each other. There are few feelings Lucio hates more than boredom, but with a brain like yours around, there's always something new to try or think about

Few things cause the kind of bone-deep discouragement and guilt that constantly missing things does, but nobody values the importance of trying again like he does

On the other hand, sometimes you accidentally enable each other

Lucio's still learning the self-regulation involved with choosing to do something unpleasant and important over doing something enjoyable and completely useless

And if your brain decides that said pleasant thing is the only thing it's going to function for, well, not getting sidetracked is almost impossible. Good luck to you both

Thankfully, you both have a lifestyle that allows for unusual schedules and working styles. As long as you have each other to keep trying growing, you'll never get stuck for long

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana game #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

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venussaidso · 8 months

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Rahu Dominant Themes — 𝐍𝐚𝐤𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐚 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 (part 1 of) 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟕

warning ⚠️: movie spoilers

Lord Rudra is an angry manifestation of Shiva who is the god that destroys the universe in order to re-create it. Rudra is the version which emphasizes the destruction of illusions, imperfections, diseases etc. before change can take place. Rudra means "one who eradicates problems from their roots", which rules Ardra, where we see the shadow planet Rahu being at it's potent height. Rahu is always dissatisfied and filled with illusions. With Rudra here, we see the strong conviction to break all things illusory, that are a stain or disease. Ardra, being Gemini and Rahu together, chooses to face the cold, harsh truth by deconstructing it (Mercury). There comes an intense anger and urge to destroy the root of all problems.

The best piece of media by far to embody the potency of Ardra, especially Rudra, is MR. ROBOT.

Ardra is quite contradictory, as it aims to expose truth by ruthlessly shining light on it ("control is an illusion") and therefore breaking the illusion, despite literally being ruled by the most illusory planet, Rahu. Rami Malek is an Ardra Ascendent and in the series Mr. Robot, he plays a cybersecurity engineer who uses his rare intelligence (Gemini/Mercury) to take down an evil conglomerate that controls the world & gets away with terrible world crimes that are swept under the rug. The Ardra character is already established as not a truth seeker, but someone who is already aware of everything and has been long disillusioned. The other important main characters also seem to be played by Rudra influenced actors which I found so incredible. These key characters show different dysfunctional aspects of society, almost critiquing them. Though Rudra is more potent through Ardra, Rudra has incarnated in different forms. Aja Ekapanda, Ahir Bhudhanya - Purva Bhadrapada, Uttara Bhadrapada. And Goddess Kali has associations with Rudra, and it rules the nakshatra Mula - which forms the axis with Ardra (being Sagittarius-Gemini). All the Rudra nakshatras are scattered across the main cast of Mr. Robot.

Another similar piece of media that is linked with Ardra and anarchist/political themes that expose heavy truths of society and elite powers of the world is the film V FOR VENDETTA, which leans more into anti-fascism. Starring an Ardra native.

Ardra faces the reality of things that is usually harsh and too overwhelming for others to bare, the kind of truth that is often not thought of. The series The Boys shows what would realistically happen if superheroes were a thing — none of that Marvel sugarcoating shit. Just like Rami Malek's character in Mr. Robot, the character Billy Butcher played by Karl Urban is already established as one who knows the harsh reality of superheroes (being monsters and corporate puppets) and is portrayed as an angry, disgruntled, dissatisfied person. And of course there is Rahu/Ardra influence.

Ardra is not always about dethroning corrupt powers. It can simply manifest into meaningless chaos, purposeless anarchy as seen in Heath Ledger's Joker who only makes chaos to prove the hypocrisy in people and society. This critical nature is always within Ardra, no matter how chaotic and senseless it manifests.

Yes he's an Ardra Moon.

It's always interesting how nakshatras with the same planetary rulership can share the same themes, despite the differences in their ruling deities. The film, Joker (2019), criticizes how society treats its ostracized members. And the character Arthur Fleck, being played by Swati Sun Joaquin Phoenix, unintentionally (and unknowingly) drives pure anarchy in the streets. Becoming the face of a movement spawned around him, called 'Jokerism'. And these masks, just like in MR. ROBOT (fsociety), V For VENDETTA, make the symbol of the movement.

I also find it interesting that Zoro is a masked vigilante who fights against the injustice and victimization of the lower class and indigenous people. Shatabhisha can act as a saviour in this case, more than what is seen from Ardra and Swati.

The character Hobie Brown being voiced by Shatabhisha Sun Daniel Kaluuya in the new Spiderverse film. Interesting enough, Shatabhisha being Aquarius can also have chaotic, rebellious and even anarchist tendencies. Aquarius emphasizes individualism, roots for the underdog and can absolutely despise authority – especially the corrupt kind (but mostly it's fuck all authority).

The nakshatra also being co-ruled by Rahu, they can see through illusions and have a simple yet realistic approach to things (Saturn). There is defiance there in Shatabhisha, but rarely ever as erratic or angry as Ardra. In fact, Shatabhisha is more on what's morally right and wrong compared to Ardra where a dualistic nature is conveyed. Shatabhisha has a tougher framework, can be very virtuous.

Shatabhisha is ruled by the deity Lord Varuna who is the personification of divine authority and moral law. The theme of authority can manifest in several ways for Shatabhisha. Rebellion against authority can go to the extreme ends of violence and unlawfulness. Or it can go into activism. Critiquing the many issues in the world that are glaringly wrong and unfair (what the modern internet now calls 'wokeism'). Themes of rebellion or exposure in a political and societal context can be linked with Swati. This can somewhat be seen in the following medias:

𝗖𝗢𝗡𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗨𝗘𝗗 𝗜𝗡 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗧 𝗧𝗪𝗢:

#ardra #rahu #gemini #uttara bhadrapada #purva bhadrapada #mula #swati #libra #shatabhisha #aquarius #vedic astrology #sidereal astrology #vedic observations #sidereal observations #nakshatra series

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autistichalsin · 29 days

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Hi! ❤️

I wanted your opinion on Halsin on one point, but it might be a controversial question. If you want, to avoid being harassed on this point, you can answer me in DM (or not at all of course ) . ⚠️

Another disclaimer: I don't think Halsin isn't a " Real Poly", or that he's "monogamous at heart". 🚨

I'm not implying that people in polyamorous relationships cheat more than monogamous ones, or that they're more sexually voracious. ⚠️

Well, now that this disclaimer is out of the way: THE QUESTION!

Do you think Halsin would be able to cheat on his partner if he were in a monogamous relationship? I specify monogamous because I'm convinced he would NEVER cheat in a Poly relationship, because he'd surely be sexually satisfied.

I don't expect a watered-down answer, don't worry! I like complex, realistic characters with flaws, so don't feel obliged to say "he'd never do that! "if you don't mean it!

Smooches! 😘

(Tone: sincere)

So this is an interesting question, and it was definitely brave of you to ask! I definitely appreciate the clarifications.

That said, I want to say that this question reflects a sort of misunderstanding people have about cheating and what causes it (o judgment, because it is a very common one- I just wanted to point it out before proceededing). It isn't so easy to boil down to "cheating partner was sexually unsatisfied". Beyonce got cheated on- Beyonce! More often, the reasons cheating partners give are falling out of love with their partner, feeling unsatisfied in the relationship as a whole, and wanting a thrill/variety. Cheating is a dysfunction of relationships or of the self before it's a sexual dysfunction.

And that segues into my answer, which is a resounding fuck no would Halsin cheat, even in a monogamous relationship (which is part of why I don't think he would settle into a true monogamous relationship. Perhaps a functionally monogamous one, where they aren't actively seeking new partners, but not a true one). Halsin values consent and trust far too much. If he agreed to something in a relationship, he would talk it over before doing that thing- and that goes beyond multiple partners. In his sex scene, Halsin, having seen and heard cues indicating enthusiastic consent from the player no less than three times, still waits for the player to nod before initiating oral sex. He carries himself VERY carefully to avoid using his size to intimidate others. He makes the player get affirmative consent before entering a relationship with him- and if they choose to end their current relationship to be with him before asking their partner, he is EXTREMELY conflicted between being happy to have the player, and being VERY upset that the player is abandoning their partner.

Boundaries, consent, trust, and compassion are at the core of Halsin's personality, both in and out of romantic/sexual relationships. There just isn't any way Halsin would commit such a betrayal. If anything, if he was in a monogamous relationship and realized it was not for him, he would tell the player he needed an open relationship or to break up, and THEN pursue the other person.

That's how I see it, anyway.

#halsin #halsin silverbough #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

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murmiss · 18 days

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Headcanons about Yandere Simulator!COD.

Simon "Ghost" Riley

Warning: mention of suicide, mention of alcohol, drugs, mental problems, possibly traumatic moments, etc. My personal vision of the character. OOC?

I think he's perfect for the role of Yandere.

His childhood was disgustingly shitty, and you can't blame him for that.

Born into a dysfunctional family, Simon was doomed to a hard life from childhood. His father was a drunk, a bloody alcoholic who prided himself on being able to drink for weeks and stay on his feet. A dirty man, with filthy and sadistic tendencies taken out on those closest to him. A freak who broke everyone he knew, trampling on his own son, turning the poor child into an unwilling broken doll.

Simon remembered those lonely nights in the old shed next to the house, cluttered with trash and rusty tools, like it was yesterday. The cold wind blew through the cracks between the boards, leaving goosebumps on Simon's skin and forcing him to pull his legs tighter together, curling up in a ball to keep warm. A night in the old barn was Mr. Riley's favorite punishment, a man crashing home after another rave binge to find out his son had gotten an F in school? Late for first period? Or maybe spent his pocket money on some silly comic book? - no matter what, Simon will fly instantly to the Locked Shed. No matter what happened, Simon was always drawn to his older brother, who, unfortunately, wasn't as good as his younger brother would have liked. Tommy was a jerk, that bad boy in high school who publicly cursed the teacher, broke the toilet faucet, and did stupid things. But the dumbest thing in Tommy's life was drugs - this jerk decided to prove once again to everyone that he was cool, not realizing that very soon this addiction would consume him, like everyone else who once got addicted. And Simon hovered between two fires, like a child dreaming of a normal family, like a son who had never seen his father smile and never heard praise. And the mother? Mrs. Riley-a dandelion of God, withering rapidly in her husband's dirty hands. She was a beautiful woman, the only person in that family who cared about Simon, and he loved her immensely, and still does. Mrs. Riley died when Simon was 14. It was a cold Sunday morning when a loud gunshot rang out, waking Simon from his sleep. Feeling an animal fear, he rushed to the sound, recognizing a sight that forever shattered his poor mind. On September 6, Mrs. Riley shot herself in the temple.Haunted by her husband's nightmares and torture, she couldn't take any more of this abusive behavior, couldn't watch her firstborn wither under drugs, couldn't see Simon hurt.But her act didn't make it better, hell, that kind of thing never makes anything better. After that day, Simon withdrew more than ever. Hitting his father was nothing, hunger was nothing, being forced to kiss a poisonous snake was a challenge.

Simon grew up, and with it grew his hatred and repressed aggression towards his father.One day in a club Simon watched his father attack a poor girl. She simply refused to spend the night with him and the drunkard, not confused, began to beat her as if he were a wrestler in the ring Simon could not do anything, just as he could not save his mother, stop his father's beatings or convince Tommy that drugs are evil. And he didn't understand why his father wasn't in jail. They'd find the girl, but when they did, no one would really care what happened. The freak always gets away with it.

After the death of his mother, Simon was forced to work part-time at the local machine shop. Old man Carson was happy to help the neighbor boy, so he took him into his shop as an assistant without any questions or demands. Yes, and Simon was a handy and understanding guy.

Simon started out washing cars, and after working like that for half a year, he was promoted to Carson's apprentice: the old man explained and taught the boy mechanics, letting him stay up late reading books about cars.

The old man was able to replace Simon's father, teaching the teenager simple things necessary for basic survival. For example, Simon, at 16, learned how to fix some appliances and how to use tools. But Mrs. Carson had already taught Simon cooking, laundry, and household chores, and he, as a bright boy, grasped everything on the fly. Simon noticed Mr. and Mrs. Carson had a son, which they never had, for unfortunately Paula Carson was barren.

Simon lived as a two-family household, mostly spending his days at his mentor's house, but when his father began to rage and throw himself at the neighbor's door, Simon would return, falling asleep again in his little room.

The work in the workshop brought quite a good income and Simon, having entered the desired college, was even able to rent a small apartment on the outskirts of the city, and finally moved out of his home, so as not to see this den, and not to put, in Simon's opinion, the family of his mentor in danger.

The old man Carson told him fatherly: "Simon, you'll be happy when you find love. Simon thought so, but he couldn't imagine what that love looked like. He couldn't believe it would happen someday, not just pass him by like it always did.

But one day that day has come. First day of college, Simon is walking toward the auditorium when a stranger suddenly sweeps him off his feet like a small tornado. It was just a moment when he looked into your eyes-- He felt like he was going to drown in them. The way your eyelashes fluttered as you stood there, rubbing your forehead after the blow and babbling something, was in his head. From that day on, he couldn't imagine his life if you weren't there for him.

"Finally, I'll be happy."

But is this how it's going to be? Simon can't contain his anger at seeing you talking sweetly to some cocky kid in the back of the class. And the voice in Simon's head whispered sweetly: "eliminate."

#call of duty #ghost cod #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #tf 141 x reader #poly tf141 #fanfic #headcanon

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linisiane · 1 year

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I’ve seen that post on here that’s like “What did they put in this game to make us all Like That,” and I think we’re all Like That about Disco Elysium bc we’re all hyperfixating on it because it surprisingly speaks to the chaos of living with ADHD. And we SEE that and feel seen.

- First of all, Harry Du Bois Adhd headcanons pop off hard, especially with the whole “I do speed to do detective work,” aka I need stimulants to focus, aka unintentional self-medication. Also the poor impulse control, emotional disregulation. And the voices remind me of the way my brain jumps topic to topic so I have like 4 ongoing topics going at once. Stereo investigations, thoughts in the thought cabinet, if you will.

- Additionally, a lot of interactions surrounding Harry’s memory loss even feel very ADHD. ADHD is a problem with working memory (attention/focus), which cascades into causing problems with encoding memories for long term storage. You can’t remember what you never even focused on. Because of this, being forgetful of things that seemed basic or obvious or easy to remember for other people is a staple problem for people with ADHD, and while the game is obviously much more extreme with total retrograde amnesia, I find that the game’s demonstration of “the people being frustrated or confused by basic things you’ve forgotten or misplaced” (and this being taken seriously as a Big Issue affecting your life, even if the others don’t take it seriously/brush it off) is very relatable and almost cathartic. Even if the only reason why it’s taken so seriously in the game is because you’ve just literally lost all your memory… and your gun lol

- Harry doing buck wild things to get results based on the conversations going on inside his head, which don’t get read to the outside world, is very relatable. Again, my brain jumps topic to topic so much that it’s almost hard to track the logical thread connecting the thoughts internally, much less explain them to another person at the same time. The “how did we get here, what exactly brought you to this course of action? This seems unrelated, detective” is very much a conversation I experience on the daily, whether with myself or the people around me.

- Kim Kitsuragi is the ADHD fantasy. @snowberry-pie’s got in one. He’s perfect for fighting off that executive dysfunction by helping you actually get shit done while not being suffocating/controlling/shaming about it. He sorta takes responsibility of you to help you take responsibility of yourself. He’s a body double, your partner in it with you. Lets you go on your barely related stereo investigations and indulges your inexplicable actions instead of controlling you, trusting that it’s part of the process lol. Offers positive reinforcement instead of using shame (like calling Harry a burden) to get Harry to focus on the case.

Disco Elysium has lots to say about how disability is exacerbated/unsupported by the system for a lot of characters, including Harry. Adhd fits right into that, especially with the ways an ADHD!Harry interpretation would highlight the understandable nature of his drug addiction (not only was it a way to cope with chronic pain that no one was treating him for, but also a way to cope with unmedicated ADHD).

Anyways I wrote this instead of writing my paper.

#my thoughts #adhd #harry du bois #harrier du bois #disco elysium #de #“Perseveration” officer? How about we “persevere” in writing that paper?#Kim being like “you lost your memory? You still gotta do your job tho” is me to myself everyday. ಥ_ಥ #Shout out to the opening scene of eeaao for also capturing the experience of living with ADHD subtle-ly #meta #metas #kim kitsuragi #literary analysis

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scribblesandsherlock · 3 months

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FNAFMovie!Incorrect Quotes: Part Four

WILLIAM, as Steve Raglan: You're clearly not listening. I can say whatever I want, can't I?

MIKE, half asleep: Tell me about it.

WILLIAM: I murdered another kid last night.

MIKE: I feel you.

WILLIAM: Now I have the taste of blood, I can't stop killing.

MIKE, yawning: Been there

***

MIKE: If I seem intense, that's for one reason and one reason only, okay? I don't wanna be here and I'm really sad.

***

VANESSA: Why is Barbie's the Nutcracker the only good film adaptation of the ballet that has ever been made?

MIKE, who’s been around Abby too long: Because Barbie movies slap, next question.

***

WILLIAM: it's time for you to die.

ABBY: One sec, let me ask my brother

WILLIAM: It's not a choi--

ABBY: Mike said no.

***

MIKE: I did what I could, you know, while I was also trying not to bleed to death.

***

WILLIAM: I will ruin your happiness, no matter the cost!

MIKE: My happiness?

MIKE, turning to Vanessa: I'm happy?

***

ABBY: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

ABBY: *punches wall*

ABBY:

ABBY: Take me to the hospital.

***

MIKE: Well, well, well. If it isn’t my old friend...the dawning realization that I messed up bad.

***

MRS. AFTON: Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes.

WILLIAM: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD

MRS. AFTON: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes. Also, use soap this time?

***

WILLIAM, a career counselor: Look, I would like to give you moral advice, but I have very questionable morals.

***

MIKE: You're my little sister and the most important thing in the world to me. I would do anything for you.

ABBY: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

MIKE: Absolutely not.

***

MIKE: What doesn't kill me should run, because now I'm ticked off

***

MIKE: You saved me. I owe you my life.

VANESSA: No, thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.

***

WILLIAM, first interviewing Mike: You look familiar. Have I killed one of your loved ones before?

***

MIKE: Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you

***

MIKE: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

WILLIAM: You mean literally or figuratively?

MIKE: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...

***

WILLIAM: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.

WILLIAM: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'Someone has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

***

VANESSA: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

MIKE: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

***

MIKE: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person. And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

***

ABBY: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside

MIKE:

MIKE: Abby, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn...

ABBY: *Sips chocolate milk from bowl*

***

MIKE: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

(This can apply to both the movie and the game)

***

VANESSA: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

MIKE, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

***

MIKE: Okay, maybe playing, "Whose family is more dysfunctional" was a bad idea. Vanessa's sobbing in the bathroom now. We can't get her out.

***

MIKE: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so let's go for 12 more just incase.

VANESSA: Mike, that's a coma.

MIKE: Sounds festive.

***

VANESSA: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

MIKE: How can you still say that?

VANESSA: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

***

WILLIAM: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died-

VANESSA: Twelve, actually.

WILLIAM: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really, whose fault is that?

VANESSA: Yours!

WILLIAM: That's right: no one's.

***

[Mike is the only one raising Abby after his dad’s depressed and his mom lost it]

MIKE: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Mike’s Dad: You're, like, 15 years old

MIKE: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

***

WILLIAM, sitting with his back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Michael

MIKE: How did you do that without turning around?

WILLIAM: ...To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

***

[The career counselor scene]

MIKE, explaining why he's gone through so many jobs: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

WILLIAM: Mike, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're stupid

***

MIKE, banging on the door: Vanessa! Open up!

VANESSA: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

MIKE: No, I meant--

ABBY: Let her finish.

***

#josh hutcherson #mike schmidt #fnaf #mike schmidt fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fnaf movie #mike and abby schmidt #incorrect fnaf quotes #incorrect quotes #william afton #fnaf vanessa #vanessa shelly #vanessa afton #abby schmidt

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concerningwolves · 9 months

Note

Hey! Do you have any tips for breaking writers block when you're adhd and/or autistic? Be it your own tips or a link to another post? My friend and I need help haha

Ahh sorry you got buried under spam and old ask game asks. (I... really need to sort my ask box >.<' ). But here we go, a month late, and hopefully better late than never:

Quick ideas for beating writer's block when autistic and/or ADHD

I've got this old post I wrote on writer's block and focus troubles. Ironically, this was before my autism diagnosis but the tips still happen to be things I, an autistic person, did to manage writing when faced with executive dysfunction (except I didn't know what executive dysfunction was at that point lol). I'm linking this with one important caveat, though: if you have ADHD, "stepping away" might do more harm than good; struggling to start tasks is a Big Thing with ADHD, so not starting the task at all is entirely counterproductive. (Unless you're in burnout! Here's a post about the differences between block and burnout with some ideas on what to do for each, in case that's at all helpful to you).

And here's something yoinked from another old ask-answer:

sometimes a break from more “serious” writing is what you need. Maybe try and take the characters from your main project and drop them somewhere else for the hell of it. I like to throw my characters into the MCU without warning like “lmao have fun in a strange modern world where there are gods and a guy in an iron flying suit bye.” Or, if fandom cross-overs aren’t your thing, find a writing prompt or take an idea you like and use it to form a short story with your characters instead.

Some other ideas I've seen around for writer's block with ADHD/Autism are:

Try voice recording or text to speech (i.e., absolute stream-of-consciousness unfiltered brain-to-mouth, giving yourself permission to 100% bullshit if you like, and see what rattles loose in the brain box)

Stream of consciousness writing in general, not even necessarily about a particular prompt or particular project. This one can be done in combination with:

Writing sprints! One minute timers, two minute timers, five minutes – set it for as long as you want, but when you're fighting executive dysfunction and/or difficulty focusing, the burst of urgency that comes from a shorter timer is very helpful.

And speaking of the sense of urgency: gamify your writing! There are different ways to do this, with varying elements of risk. I'll link some ways to do this at the end under "resources".

Exercise. I don't necessarily mean hitting the gym, but a quick burst of exercise prior to writing to get the heart rate up can help wake your brain up a bit. (Or, if you find repetitive exercise mind-numbingly boring like I do, the writing sure does start to look appealing lol).

Meditation. Okay, this one is sort of 🤔 for me, because I do often hear from fellow autistics and our ADHD cousins that meditation is literally impossible for us. It is for me. But! Like with exercise above, if meditation bores you instead of helping relax and ""clear your mind"", you can probably use that boredom to your advantage. Or, it might work as intended.

Change your workspace/situation/routine. Sometimes the problem is that you need new sensory input, or that your brain has gotten thoroughly bored and decided not to tell you. Use a different chair. Move to the kitchen table. Write at a different time of day. Have a different snack (or try having a snack while writing...). Basically, look at what you're currently trying, and see how you can do it differently.

It's also really good practise to get comfortable with Being Bad At Writing. Perfectionism and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria are the biggest, meanest brain weasels with the sharpest teeth. Don't let them bully you. It sucks. It takes a lot of time and effort and internal work, which is why I was loathe to include this on a post of quick solutions, but. It is important.

And getting comfortable with this doesn't necessarily mean learning how to accept critique, or accepting that sometimes you'll write things that suck. It means accepting that sometimes you won't handle critique or feedback well, and also accepting that you won't always manage to beat the writer's block or be productive. Sometimes you have to make peace with the fact that you're going to feel horrible, feel your feelings, and try to remind yourself on the other side that none of it means you're a talentless hack.

Resources

Anything with a 🪙 next to it is paid only (I've tried to limit these and find alternatives).

The resources are split into things that "gameify" writing (i.e., hack your dopamine/serotonin in ways that reaaaaallly help autistic and ADHD folks), writing programs that are designed to help you focus, writing programs that track your habits and appeal to the "ohhhh numbers going up" brain, focus-aiding apps, and some miscellaneous stuff. Under the cut to save your dashes.

"Gamifying" your writing:

The Most Dangerous Writing App – You can't stop typing before your set timer runs out, or you risk losing your work. Excellent for warming up, stream-of-consciousness, or if you're feeling reckless, working on your actual project. I did a lot of the second draft of When Dealing with Wolves on this thing (it was terrifying yet highly effective).

Written? Kitten! – Get rewarded for meeting your set writing wordcount with kitten pictures. Haven't used this one personally, but heard wonderful things about it.

4TheWords 🪙 – This one gamifies writing in the most literal sense. As in, it's an online game where you defeat monsters, explore and level up by writing words. I did the free trial a couple years back, and I've heard there are a lot of different ways you can lower the subscription cost. The only reason I haven't gone back to it is because I feel like I can't justify spending money on it when I'm doing fine with Scrivener and free resources, but maybe one day I will purely for the fun factor...

StimuWrite – similar idea to Written Kitten; the app provides visual/audio stimulation while you write, which is great for many ADHD-ers and autistics. There's a progress bar, soundscape options, typing effects and emoji reactions as rewards, among other features.

Write or Die – This is The Most Dangerous Writing App meets Written Kitten. As far as I can figure out, the basic web version is free to use; you can set the parameters like how how long you want to write for, how many words to reach, and whether you want rewards for meeting goals or punishments for failing to meet them. There's also a stimulus mode, where the nice auditory stimulus goes away if you stop writing.

Minimalist/Focus writing programs:

Focus Writer [Windows] – thoroughly stripped-down minimalist word processor. As far as I know, it has basic functions like find-replace, but mostly it's designed only for writing. Not for formatting, spellchecking or editing.

iA Writer 🪙 [iOS] – Similar to Focus Writer, it's designed to fill your screen with a simple workspace. Allows you to use markdown formatting, and has a feature called Focus Mode that blurs out everything except the sentence you're typing. (If I could find a Windows-friendly alternative to this with that same feature I would be so happy). A cheaper alternative is 1Writer, but that doesn't have the focus mode.

Typewrite Something – Absolutely bare minimum web-based typewriter simulator. Basically just a blank screen that you start typing on, and the words appear in a typewriter font. Great for stream-of-consciousness without the risk level of TMDWA because you can't backspace. If you don't like the clacky sound, turn off your volume.

Focus Apps

Cold Turkey – Block applications and websites on your laptop/computer for a specified period of time. You can even block the entire internet.

Forest – Similar to Cold Turkey in that it stops you from seeking distractions or getting distracted. Set a timer and the app starts growing a tree. If you leave the app, the tree dies. Once you have a tree, you add it to your forest.

Habit-building writing programs:

Novlr – Simple, minimal layout, and tracks your writing goals per month and day, and your daily streak. There are more features in the plus and pro versions, and you can only have five projects in the free version, but otherwise it looks like a good free alternative to the next two programs:

750 Words 🪙 – Made for free writing, but also very useful for drafting. I had it for a month or so a while back on the free trial. It tracks writing streaks and gives you fun graphs and statistics at the end of each session, including number of distractions, actual typing time vs total time and average words per minute. Also, it analyses the mood of what you wrote, which I always found delightful.

Writing Analytics 🪙 – If writing streaks, badges and analytical graphs get your dopamine going, then I really recommend this one. The writing screen itself is very minimalistic, but it still shows your writing speed (I loved watching that go up) and your goal progress. In terms of analytics, it tracks a LOT of different things, including time spent writing vs revising, average wordcounts per day/month/year, and words written vs words deleted. I used this for about a year before I switched to Scrivener, and the switch was purely because I needed something that wasn't subscription-based. (Apparently since I stopped using it there's also a new feature that lets you create private writing rooms and see other writer's progress).

Misc.

WriteTrack – Not a word processor, but it has very good tools for tracking and planning your writing. Again, if graphs going up helps your brain, this is excellent, but you can't see it in real time.

10 ADHD-friendly brain tricks for writers – what it says on the tin: ten tips for writers with ADHD; I'm particularly fond of "Put away one knife", which breaks the nebulous task of "start writing" into something really simple like just... pull out your desk chair.

#autism stuff #adhd #writer's block #writing advice #writing resources

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sunmoonstarsflowers · 1 year

Text

Astro observations

☘️Most people in astrology community while talking about certain placements, talk about unsafe homes, dysfunctional households, single mother, uncaring mother/guardian or parents, etc. This is while talking about people who may have relationship issues but I don't think that's it. There may be other neurological factors or disorders or dysphoria (one that comes to my mind is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) or they may be HSP who experience everything to an intense degree, so we need to mention these factors too.

☘️ People born on Sagittarius-Capricorn cusp are, according to me, really interesting, compassionate and assertive people, also taking into consideration thier other placements.

☘️ Blue color reminds me of Gemini Mercury.

☘️ I've seen Aquarius suns saying that they don't believe in things like astrology and MBTI tests and that's such an aquarian thing to do.

☘️ I believe Suns in 11th house are are bit more social than Aquarians. Specially someone with more social sun signs, like a Leo sun in 11th house is more on the social side and is more likely to act like his leo self in and around 11th house themes.

☘️ People with Libra Rising has something calm and soft about the way they look while people with Aries Rising have a distinct feature, maybe thier eyes, nose, cheekbones but they're more pronounced. With Libra Rising you see the harmony of all of it together and with Aries, you see how thier features stand out.

☘️ I have had Ascendant-Moon and Ascendant-Venus conjunction in synastry with a guy I met online around a month ago and he texted me about how I'm the only women he thinks about and how I'm so pretty. But he doesn't like ME me, he likes the persona I am when I'm online (which resembles me but not completely) and that persona aligns well with his romantic desires and his feelings.

☘️ I know a lot of astrologers on tumblr like Whole house system but I personally find Placidus to be better. It gives us wider field to choose from, more options. And humans beings are not always the same, or even fitting in the signs or the boxes we try to fit them into.

☘️For example, my 10th house starts with later degrees of Cancer and occupies more than half of Leo and I've always felt deep connection and desire with both the themes of Leo and cancer occupations or jobs. But this could be because of the chart ruler being here. But similarly, my 9th house starts in Gemini and occupies a great deal of cancer and I'm getting dual degrees while I'm very much interested in learning about medical studies and nursing, not as my career but just to simple know.

🌼This is my first astrology observation. It's a very impulsive decision I took around 15 minutes ago because I was bored and I suddenly had an astrology thought. Hope you'd enjoy these. Also, most of these are the ones I actually observed from charts of people I know but if you find something to be exclusively talked about by another astrologer, please tell me in the comments, I'd love to give the credit.

Pictures from pinterest.

#astro notes #astro observations #astrology notes #intuitive readings #intutition #pick a card #astrology observation #astrology community #10th house sun #11th house sun #astrology placements

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sch-com · 5 months

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Specific manifestations of schizoid PD in my life

see similar post for anakastic PD / OCPD

When I first heard of my personality disorders, it was hard for me to notice their role in my life. Part of it was that I was younger, and with less experiences, but part of it was that by nature PDs are so ingrained it's hard to see the full scope of their influence. Particularly I struggled to see the "dysfunction" part - I was thinking that sure, I do experience that, but is it really that bad? And you can't have a PD without the dysfunction, so do I even count? I think that now, after some time and more reflections, I can say I do see the dysfunction, so I thought to share my observations.

Using the DSM V criteria for schizoid PD:

1/ Neither wants nor likes close relationships, counting being part of a family / Has no close friends other than immediate relatives

When I was first moving out for university, I didn't really have any close enough friends I would feel truly comfortable moving with. It limited my choices, and influenced the one I ultimately made (a mistake).

Also, when I was moved out and experienced my first full-blown mental health crisis, I didn't have anyone around me to rely on.

Studying in uni is much harder when I am not talking with people in my class. Normally students support each other, share notes etc I imagine. I have to do everything alone.

Talking to people = opportunities. And support. Real, material support of being physically near. Going to places together, someone having a job opprotunity, hell even having anyone around in case of an emergency.

I suspect at least part of my emotional problems can be attributed to my self-imposed isolation. Occassionaly when I do talk to someone, it's like... an altered mental state, in a good way. When I laugh, I feel physically good. And it's easier to laugh with other people around. It's the little things I think, that are crucial and I am largely missing out on.

2/ Almost constantly picks introverted activities

Sharing what you do can help you progress faster. Sharing your art and getting critique, joining language classes. Sure I can do all of this on my own as well, but it may be sub-optimal. I think it's a matter of balance - and if I consistently choose to opt out of group activities, it could be seen as dysfunctional.

Also again, doing stuff with other people = meeting other people = getting the social connection, vital for even physical health, and gaining access to opportunities and support.

Other people can also motivate you, or keep you accountable for doing something. When I do (almost) everything on my own, I have to well, rely on my motivation / determination, which is often hard (more on that in 4/).

3/ Has little if any, thought in engaging in any sexual experiences

Frankly I am asexual, so I wouldn't say it's causing me any distress. I suppose that lack of sexual life can be viewed as lack of a major life activity, if you want to interpret it that way.

However, somewhat connected to 4/, it's hard for me to say 100% that sex life is something I truly don't want, or if it's just another thing I am opting out of out of the lack of reward. More on that below.

4/ Seldom derives pleasure from any activities

The emotional implications are written into the criterium itself. Lack of pleasure is I think dysfunctional already.

But, adding on the above - lack of pleasure/satisfaction definitely made me lose a lot of motivation for doing anything. I have disengaged from hobbies because of it. I have disengaged from studies, from social activities, from even simple things watching movies, reading, or cooking a good meal because of this. I have to force myself to do pretty much anything. There is not a single thing that I do simply because I truly enjoy it - I need another reason on top, like an obligation.

What I mean by the above, is that... I think I have opted out of things because they don't bring me much emotional reward, not the other way around (so it's NOT that I don't get a lot of joy because I don't do things). I remember when I was younger and more active in life, doing something like travelling, or acomplishing something, and emotionally not getting anything out of it. So I wished I was just in bed and not doing the thing, because at least it's less effort, for the same emotional reward (= lack thereof). And as I became an adult with more control over my day-to-day, I stopped many major life activities because I can. And it's all the same.

5/ Appears apathetic to the admiration or disapproval of others

For me it's largely related to 4/, because I don't get much internal reward from external stimuli, it also manifests in how this criterium describes it.

I've had people believe in me in the past. Try to encourage me, praise me, tell me they see a potential. But I... couldn't believe them. I don't feel this, it's all the same if I am awarded something or not. External rewards don't cause internal reaction, so like why bother? Why bother going after this hard thing, winning a competition, if after I acomplished it it's all the same void? I put the effort into something, only for this to not matter. So I stopped putting so much effort.

I think it may also discourage others from trying to help me, because historically I haven't shown much reaction, or improvement, or gratefulness for their honest efforts. To give up on me, because I seem like this empty shell of a person. But I don't really know, I think it would have to be someone else to confirm this.

6/ Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

People told me that I appear flat and so it's hard for them to read me. It's hard to know what I think, and some became afraid that I was judging them, when I... I don't? Overall, this one makes it really hard to connect to others and to be understood. So it makes me feel even more like an alien.

I have also hurt people because of this. Because I detach, I isolate, I forget about people. I am the friend you have to message to get a conversation, or schedule a meetup, because I don't initiate. I know it's a hard position to be in, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I only disengaged more to not even have any friends that would care about me enough to be hurt by my isolation.

Because I seem all the same (flat and withdrawn) all the time, it's harder to notice when I am struggling. I can be in the throws of depression and actively suicidal, but outward appear pretty much the same. So people don't believe me, not even professionals, and I have been neglected because of this.

#schcomtalk #schizoid personality disorder #schizoid #szpd #spd #scpd #cluster a

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equalperson · 3 months

Text

being autistic and avoidant

i've noticed that both my avoidant personality and my autistic neurology impact each other greatly. still, even though it's one of the more frequent personality diagnoses alongside autism, i don't really see anyone talk about what being an avoidant autistic is like.

that being said, here are a few ways i notice they interact in my personal experience:

cognitive empathy

a major part of both disabilities are their impacts on cognitive empathy. autism often causes people to avoid assuming others' thoughts and feelings, while avoidants tend to assume these feelings are negative and personal.

before i developed my avoidant personality, i fell into the latter category. people could be blatantly unhappy and i'd just...assume things were fine.

at this point, however, my avoidant perspective-taking has definitely become my main thought process. i always feel like people hate me or what i'm doing or just generally aren't in the mood to deal with me.

i wouldn't say that i "have cognitive empathy" now, but moreso that i'm too focused on avoiding rejection to not be constantly assume the worst.

self-esteem

another part of avoidant personality is the idea that you're socially inept, regardless of evidence. being autistic complicates this since--by definition--all autistic people would be considered "socially inept" by society.

this makes it difficult to know when autistic self-awareness ends and avoidant self-deprecation begins. am i incapable of [social thing] because i'm autistic, or because i simply don't believe i am?

at points, i've questioned my autism due to this. like, maybe i'm just exaggerating; i've seen allistic avoidants mistake it for autism before, as well.

however, others' perspectives and my significant restrictive/repetitive behavior makes it clear that it's not just me.

self-direction

my ability to manage myself is impacted by both my autism and my avoidance.

on the one hand, autism gives me executive dysfunction, autistic inertia, and rituals that are rigid to the point of self-sabotage.

but on the other hand, being avoidant makes me too self-conscious to take care of myself easily, namely considering that i don't live alone, thus am in a constant state of social vigilance.

for example, i've yet to learn how to cook.

one issue is that i've gotten so used to the routine of having food made for me that it's triggering to be suddenly encouraged to change, but another is that i'm afraid of the attention taking any initiative would bring.

i don't believe i'd be shamed for it, but being avoidant makes any attention feel intimidating to me; it's not purely a fear of criticism, but generally a fear of recognition (which is ironic considering that i'm also a narcissist, making me very attention-seeking, as well).

social skills

not only does being avoidant impact how i think of my social abilities, but also how i utilize them.

being alexithymic, it can be hard to understand even my own motivations in things. at points, i can't tell if i'm being quote/unquote "socially inept" because i can't understand the situation or because i simply don't want to make any moves.

for example, i almost never make eye contact with others. i originally thought of this as part of my autism, but i honestly can't tell if it's that or my avoidant personality.

on the one hand, eye contact is sincerely overwhelming, but on the other, i can easily do it with animals, fictional characters, and my own reflection. i also made eye contact pre-avoidance. maybe i'm simply too afraid of the intimacy, not actually sensory-sensitive to it?

in other situations, it can be a mixture of both autism and avoidance.

for example, i tend to avoid initiating conversations. i don't want to draw attention to myself or risk rejection, but i also genuinely don't know how i'm expected to start a conversation at all.

external perceptions

i've been told that my social anxiety is obvious, but not my autism. if most people knew what avoidant personality was, i assume i'd probably be recognized as outright avoidant very easily.

pretty much everyone considers me withdrawn in some way. i've been called quiet, indecisive, easy (as in "passive"), reserved, and various similar words.

in some cases, this works in my favor. there have been situations where people have treated me even friendlier than they do others because they see me as fragile.

in many other cases, this works against me; people avoid me because i'm too withdrawn for their tastes. this enables my avoidant behavior, as it affirms--and partially caused--my belief that no one could actually want to be around me.

in other cases, people don't see me as anxious, but just emotionally cold. people have sometimes questioned if i hated them or was angry with them due to my behavior. however, this is typically due to explicitly autistic behavior rather than anything avoidant.

apparently, people also see me as somewhat eccentric. my mom described it once as "the many quirks of ian." i'm not fully aware what these quirks are, but they're there.

#autism #avoidant personality disorder #avpd #actually autistic #actually avoidant #actually avpd

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liquorishblack · 1 year

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Inside the twisted mind of Hisoka Morow (part 1)

Part 1 , Part 2

Synopsis: Psychoanalysis about Hisoka, concerning his past and who he is today.

TW: Mentions of abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, mental disorders

Wordcount: 561

➽───────────────❥

So, I have a bachelor degree in psychology and today I work in the forensic field. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that nearly every perpetrator was once a victim.

I´ve seen many on this platform wondering what a relationship with Hisoka would look like… and honestly, since he´s quite a complex and interesting character, I wrapped my head around this question as well. But I quickly came to the conclusion that if you want to make assumptions about how Hisoka would behave in certain situations regarding relationships, it is necessary to understand his psyche and therefore we should have at least a little glimpse at his past (Part 1) before we come to the relationship headcanon (Part2).

So, shall we?

For the following I´ll go with the theory that Hisoka isn´t a psychopath at all (for a bunch of reasons but the whole discussion whether he is in fact a psychopath or not would fill a whole page for itself, so I won´t dwell on this subject today). But this much shall be said: While psychopathy is a neurological dysfunction (which means psychopaths are born that way), what society calls "sociopathy" usually arises from trauma, which I find much more likely in his case. So, Hisoka might not be a psychopath but do we find him on the spectrum of antisocial personality disorder? Hell yes! He is arrogant, self serving, only fights for himself, shows lack of empathy, views other human being as „toys“ and has no sense of remorse or whatsoever. But if he´s not a psychopath, why is that? At a certain point in his past he must have learned that people aren´t trustworthy and that he can´t rely on them. Very likely this is because he was let down, or worse, even endangered, by the people who were supposed to protect him; his primary caregivers. For this reason Hisoka stands for himself, trusts no one and is a lone wolf at heart as an adult. This theory is also supported by the fact that he seems very touch starved and even tries to get along with people occasionally, almost as if he longs for closeness and affiliation, until his own psychology torpedos his newly built and therefore still fragile relationships, because the desire of self-preservation is superior to that of belonging. So he pushes others purposely away, to not take the risk of any emotional damage. Also, the fact that at a certain point Hisoka apparently linked affection with physical violence, pain, and even fear of death suggests that the only form of attention he received in his childhood and adolescence were in fact beatings. These early childhood experiences are likely to have been accompanied by a strong and constant sense of lack of control. The only way to gain back control in such situations from which you can´t escape as a defenseless child is to master your own psychology, ergo: burry your emotions, swallow your pain, so it won´t break you. As for today, Hisokas strive to control break others is pretty obviously an overcompensation for his lack of control at the time. Speaking of emotion: I’m pretty sure that Hisoka has emotions, even complex ones, but can only sense them in a pretty aloof way, because the terrible experiences from his past forced him to suppress them and shut himself off from them over many many years, so he has simply forgotten how to feel. This is accompanied by a consuming feeling of emptiness, which is why people who fall under the spectrum of ASPD need strong stimuli to fill the void caused by lack of strong emotion. They often tend to recklessness and take great risks, not infrequently even risking their own death, just as Hisoka does when he challenges strong opponents to battle. His sense of grandeur and superiority I view as another coping strategy. I´m sure that under his nacissistic mask lies just another insecure and deeply intimidated child, so deeply buried that Hisoka might have forgotten about it himself.

Thank you so much for reading.🤍🖤

Part 2

#hisoka headcanon #hisoka moro #hisoka hxh #hisoka morow #hisoka morrow #hisoka #hisoka angst #hisoka explained #hxh hisoka #hxh #hunter x hunter #hxh headcanons #hisoka headcanons #hisokas past #adult trio #hisoka psyche #Ava writes 🤍

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mageknight14 · 3 months

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I think what’s interesting about Neku as a protag is that while I’ve seen some people talk about how he’s one of the deeper/most complex characters in the franchise, I’d argue that he’s actually one of the most straightforward characters in the TWEWY duology-and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. That’s not to suggest that he doesn’t have depth, far from it. His trauma and the way that he goes about in trying to dissociate from others while still genuinely loving them deep down, even if he says otherwise, is genuinely interesting to see in action, especially in how he approaches his relationships. But compared to the others, I don’t find him as fascinating to explore in comparison to, say, Shoka, Joshua, Sho, Kanon, Motoi, Shiba, Mr. H, or even Rindo as a protag, even if his reappearance in NEO as well as how he tries to keep his trauma/emotions under wraps is still interesting to see in action.

That said, he’s still one of my faves for how much he embodies TWEWY’s themes in general, his development just being great to see in action, and the impact he has on the people around him in various ways. In a series where a lot of the characters like to hide parts about themselves and how those affect the relationships around them, Neku in the first game is blunt to a tee, almost to a fault, and confrontational, which makes him the perfect receptacle for the themes/lessons the game imparts on him. We're privy to almost every single one of his thoughts, feelings, and emotions throughout the game, to the point that it almost becomes a first-person narration at times. He hates lying and it shows because when the characters have doubts about themselves, he’s the perfect guy for the job of setting them straight instead of trying to dart around the issue, getting them to look at themselves and try to press forward anyway.

This is also part of what makes Rindo such an effective foil to him as a protagonist. Like I said in another post, while Rindo SEEMS more socially well-adjusted compared to Neku on a surface-level, once you look into his actions and mindset, you can see that he's also quite the dysfunctional mess. Whereas Neku is blunt, brutally honest, and incredibly confrontational, Rindo is much more passive, self-contradictory, and incredibly insecure about himself and the people around him, which feeds into how he puts people at arm's length, including his supposed best friend. The kid can't even tackle a simple-ass puzzle without needing to consult his online friend first or ask them about their identity because he's afraid of rocking the boat. Whereas Neku is alone AWAY from the crowd, Rindo is alone IN the crowd.

This also extends to their inner thoughts, where Neku will let us, the player, view into his mind and have him lay out exactly what he's feeling, the conclusions he comes to, and be confident enough in what he's feeling to then express himself in exactly that manner (with some exceptions such as some of his interactions with Joshua, which is justified because he doesn't want to risk anything happening to Shiki if their partnership goes south so he tries to keep what he says in check, even if it internally kills him inside, and even then he still spills out how PISSED he is with Joshua towards the end.)

Meanwhile, in NEO, while we do play as Rindo and get the majority of the story through his perspective, we don’t get to see his inner thoughts/turmoil as much as Neku’s…because he DOESN’T want to recognize his issues, instead trying to rely on everyone else to solve his problems for him so that they can take the fallout in case something goes wrong and a lot of it shows through his actions/outspoken dialogue instead. Nagi’s Dive and Haz’s conversation with him are some of the only times someone directly calls him out on his flaws within the main story but when you pay attention to how he acts, his flaws pop up quite a bit. For example, how he claims that An0ther's quote of "never miss your chance to make a friend" is one of his favorite quotes yet he balks at the idea of recruiting other potential team members as well as grimace at the concept of the first game's Reaper's Game.

So we have a guy who’s constantly internally struggling with himself while putting on a cold/blunt persona because he doesn’t want to get hurt and recognizing that maybe he’s wrong on a point and letting us in on how he's feeling a vast majority of the time in his head versus a guy who constantly bitches and moans internally while passively going along with everything in spite of himself, constantly self-contradicting/being hypocritical without recognizing himself as such until he gets a much needed wake-up call later and I think that’s really interesting.

#the world ends with you #twewy #neo twewy #ntwewy #neku sakuraba #rindo kanade #analysis post #character analysis

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medschoolash · 2 years

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My two cents on Daemon and Rhaenyra's Sexual encounter

I'm nobody but I have a lot of thoughts about what went down between daemon and rhaenyra and the motives on Daemon's end so I'm just gonna put it all down here because why not.

So I've come to the conclusion that Daemon's actions are not abusive (contrary to what the creators said), not about a quest for the throne, and not completely without malicious intent.

I think to truly understand it all and how it fits into the story you have to understand a few key things:

Daemon has psychogenic erectile dysfunction ( more on that later)

Daemon has an unending desire to upset Viscerys but he actually does love him

Daemon cares about Rhaenyra deeply and always has

Daemon is sexually attracted to Rhaenyra

Daemon is impulsive and manipulative but he's not a complete idiot

When you combine all of those character points for Daemon his behavior this episode makes a lot more sense to me.

(if you know me from other fandoms you know I'm long winded so proceed at your own discretion lol )

Let's go back to the very beginning of the episode. Daemon returns from the stepstones. He's now a war hero. He's known as the dragon that conquered the narrow sea and saved the realm a headache. This is the most praise and adoration he's gotten in a long time. He makes a show of giving up his crown to Viscerys and pledging fealty to him once again and he smugly looks at otto when he's embraced by his brother again.

To me this is important because I believe Daemon's actions here are genuine at that moment. The creators said in this scene Daemon seems like a changed man to the audience which I can see on casual viewing BUT is he truly a changed man? The narrative proved that to be a huge no and really that was the only conclusion when none of his actual gripes with Viscerys have been resolved. Plus what's so different about Daemon now? When has Daemon ever not supported Viscerys's claim as king? When has he ever publically done anything but swear loyalty to his brother since he was crowned (no comment on dead baby aegon, he got no love from daemon lol). Nothing about it truly screams Daemon is changed so why does he do it? My opinion is that it shows he didn't actually go there to be duplicitous. He didn't return pretending to be someone he's not to deceive everybody. That's important in the bigger picture.

So Daemon hasn't changed BUT something has in fact changed in King's Landing. Rhaenyra.

Rhaenyra is happy he's back. She actually follows him in the throne room. She wants to see him. In the garden, she approaches him first with the giddy but tries to play it cool presence of someone with a huge crush. She is starry-eyed in his presence and is eager to engage with him. Daemon looks at her walk away in the garden. His eyes are on her in part because he's curious (he noticed her stiff interactions with her father) and because it's the first time he's seen her in years and she's a woman now but he doesn't follow her. I think they deliberately showed us that in most ways that matter before the sexual encounter Rhaenyra is the chaser, not Daemon. That matters. Later Rhaenyra finds him again and he's soaking in the air in KL, another indicator that Daemon is possibly relieved to be home and is not here to cause chaos. Rhaenyra even straight up asks him why he's there because she knows him, she knows he likes to play games with her father so there has to be an agenda but is there? He says the comfort of home. I personally don't think there is one on his mind at that moment. The key part is he acknowledges her maturation for the first time and he discusses it in the context of physical appeal. She's blossomed into a beautiful young woman entering the stage of courtship. He notices. She realizes he notices.

They've always had a bond. She's always had a special hold over him and she's always looked at him like he hangs the moon but it was never something with any real clarity for Rhaenyra and never something that Daemon would ever acknowledge or act on but that's changed it has been 4 years. She's at least 18 now. She's at the stage of life where romance and sexual curiosity makes a bit more sense now even if she's still unsure about how to navigate that as a woman in westeros. So yeah It's different between them. Rhaenyra has changed and most of all they are both curious about what this tension is between them and how far it can go.

Before I move on to my next point I want to make sure I'm not misinterpreted here. I'm not saying Daemon has been creeping on her this whole time just counting the days until she's of age. I don't think he's ever said to himself "when she's 18 I'm totally gonna have sex with her". I don't think he has the thought to go there sexually with her until the moment he actually sees her again after she's matured.

That brings me to their one-on-one in the garden. This is an important part because I feel like Daemon's intentions after this conversation can make his actions somewhat within reason or absolutely horrible. Rhaenyra is very candid with him about her frustrations with having to marry. She feels like a broodmare with no sexual autonomy at all, just a pawn to be sold to the highest bidder for the use of her womb and her title. She feels like no one cares about what she wants, what she wants to do with her body. She's so averse to the idea that would prefer to live a life completely alone over having to marry and have all of her stripped away for duty. Daemon tries to assure her that all is not lost for her. Yes, it's a political contract but he basically tells her she does have power and autonomy within the confines of a marriage. She can do whatever she wants. She can control what does and doesn't happens to her. Having this power is clearly important to her. He also genuinely tries to alleviate her fears about having the same fate as her mother. He was there, he knows her grief and pain. She wants to take that trauma and become a recluse. He doesn't want her to fear a fate she can not truly control because it prevents her from ever experiencing the better parts of life. Solitude is lonely. He himself is married and he's still lonely. He doesn't want that for her. We can say it's familial affection or something even more but the key is I do not think that any part of this conversation, especially the last part, is a manipulative game to him. He's comforting her and trying to guide her in the right direction for her own good just as he's done several times before.

So this is the entire lead-up to their night out and sexual encounter. What part of this feels well planned? what part of this feels like a scheme or anything but a simmering curiosity and moment of honesty between two people who up to this point have only had a familial connection? The answer is none of it feels like a well-planned manipulation, not even in retrospect and it doesn't feel that way because in my opinion, it wasn't.

The first moment you can make a real argument that Daemon has done some plotting is when she arrives in her room and finds the clothing and the note. But even then the question becomes what exactly did he plan and why did he plan it? The more cynical perspectives floating around suggest that everything was daemon manipulating Rhaenyra to open her up to the night on the town, then he planted the clothes and the note to lure her away with the full intention of ruining her reputation for his own ploy for power. To me, this falls apart very quickly as an explanation despite what the creators implied (I'll get to that in a second).

As mentioned above hours ago they had a conversation where Daemon tries to tell Rhaenyra there is a lot more to the world she can enjoy versus resigning herself to solitude and misery. The truth of the matter is Rhaenyra is very green. She has been sheltered in the red keep her whole life. Her mother died at a crucial age. She has had no one to guide her through the confusing developmental aspects of adolescence. Daemon sees his role as a guide to help her reach a new level of understanding of the many forms of sexual expression and freedom that will ultimately liberate her from the confines of her gender and her station that she's been desperately fighting against this whole time. But why does he want to do this? Does he want to do it because her sexual awakening can be used as a tool to rise to power or does he do it because he actually cares about her and want her to actually feel empowered in this important way and he can conveniently also explore his sexual desire for her as well?

This is the most important question to ask in this entire analysis but this is also where the waters truly get murky making it difficult to answer the question. To me the most obvious answer is the latter but this is seemingly contradicted by the creators and by Daemon himself. I would like to argue that it actually wasn't.

Up until the point, he enters the brothel with her Daemon has been a comforting source of familiarity to Rhaenyra. He has shared vulnerable conversations with her. He tenderly held her hand at every moment and took her through the city watching her in amazement as she saw things she's never seen before. He has allowed all of this to go on while maintaining anonymity, which is crucial because it gives her freedom she otherwise would not have had. At no point did he ever come off as if he wanted to coerce her into something, he or was guiding her in a certain direction for a plan. It all seemed spontaneous and about exploration and most importantly they did as much as she wanted them to do. He is fascinated by her curiosity. He is enamored with her enthusiasm. Why behave like this if this was all a power play? if it was because he really really wanted to manipulate her then why would he stoop so low to hurt someone he clearly cares about for a throne he has never actually said he wants?

I've seen several takes that try to connect him taking her disguise off when his plan to expose her but even that falls apart quickly. He doesn't do it until they are deep into the brothel where they are less likely to be discovered. He also takes his own disguise off exposing himself. If he wanted to ruin her reputation all he needed to ensure was that she was seen in a brothel with someone. Making that someone actually him actually works against him in a long game. Even Viscerys points this out later with alicent. There was a small chance that daemon would be able to say "whoops I slept with her she's ruined not I have to be heir" or "whoops I slept with her and she's ruined not we have to marry" but remember my bullet points?Daemon is impulsive and manipulative but he's not a complete idiot. The much more likely outcome was enraging Viscerys who he has only been on solid footing with viscerys for a few hours, not even a whole day. Enraging viscerys would get him absolutely nothing. The only thing he gains is hurting Rhaenyra and Daemon cares deeply for Rhaenyra so it wouldn't be in character. Like I said even Viscerys acknowledges this and he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

So if he gains nothing why is he doing this? How is this a power play for him and a power play he would be willing to engage in at the great expense of the only person he seems to actually care about? Maybe he just doesn't actually care about her that way. Maybe his care is not outweighed by his lack of morals and boundaries or maybe it's none of the above. Maybe there is a much simpler explanation for this entire ordeal.

I believe Daemon fully intended to push her sexual boundaries once they were in the brothel but I do not think his desire was to see her exposed while in that brothel to ruin her. I think he was just caught up in his own sexual desire for her and thrilled by the prospect of her liberation so he was callous about the entire thing and didn't care if she would be exposed because there is no real harm that can come. I don't even think he consciously thought about her being exposed in the moment but once presented with the issue it's never was a big deal to him. He even outright says this to viscerys. People whore, sure not women but Targaryens do. They are the blood of old valyria, they are dragon riders and rulers of the realm. They are above everyday conventions in society. They bed family members because they can. They whore because they can. They start wars because they can. The world is theirs for conquering and every aspect can be bent according to their will, including the truth and the truth is whatever viscerys says the truth is. Viscerys can decree his daughter is a maiden and whoever disputes it is treasonous and no one can defy him because well they have dragons. So no It was not calculated, it was just callous which fits into Daemon's personality perfectly and the difference between those two things is important when you're trying to put his actions into context. Also, if Daemon's plan was in fact to use Rhaenyra to gain power why did he even tell Viscerys he can just make it go away before the idea of a marriage even comes up? See the math isn't mathing.

This brings me to the most controversial part of their sexual encounter but the part that I think it the most fascinating. When Rhaenyra asks what is this place Daemon tells her it's where people come to take what they want. This is important for her because she's never seen sex as something that she can take for herself or as an act where she has power but Daemon takes her to a place where she can. Where they both can. This tells you that this experience is meant to be empowering for both of them but especially Rhaenyra. Being there empowers Daemon to cross a boundary he had not crossed before. He gets to take Rhaenyra. Being there for Rhaenyra empowers her to take control of her sexual expression and seek control, seek pleasure, seek passion, seek something that's purely about want and need and about nothing else. He outright tells her that this is what sex is for men AND women. This directly contradicts the idea that Daemon cares nothing about her awakening and it's a plot.

You could argue he says these things to manipulate her into an act but why chose a form of manipulation that plays into her gaining the most instead of him? A sexually empowered Rhaenyra can navigate her duty much more effectively than before. She can make smarter decisions and stop the tantrums that are holding her back. A sexually empowered Rhaenyra that is bold and unafraid and enlightened can form alliances that will strengthen her claim to the throne. We actually see this happen by the end of the episode when she agrees to marry Laenor without dispute and forces Viscerys to get rid of Otto as his hands. This Rhaenyra does not serve a Daemon who only wants to control her and use her for power, it does the exact opposite.

let's look at how the acts even take place for some ideas about his motives. He doesn't try to overwhelm her. He doesn't hungrily attack her even though he is hungry for her. He also doesn't dominate her completely. She's as into it as he is. She doesn't move a pace beyond where she is comfortable. He doesn't rush her and aggressively try to get into to submit to him. He doesn't overwhelm her with pleasure he gradually builds her up and lets her chase it. They passionately but tenderly kiss. He caresses her hair and her body. She pulls him close for more and doesn't shy away from her. Yes he's the one who turns her and moves towards the wall but she walks with him keeping up with her pace perfectly. Even when she is pushed against the wall she is excited and challenges him, she's not overpowered. He doesn't yank her clothing off he sensually exposures her. One of the best moments was when he takes her pants off. SHE ACTUALLY HELPS HIM DO IT. Her hands move to remove her own clothing and they actually do it together. He does not flinch when she initially changes position, it's AFTER that he pulls back. He's still into it when she turns and kisses him and nothing about the power dynamics in that kiss changed from their previous kisses.

This is the entire reason I don't agree that Daemon ends their encounter because he no longer had control of the sex act which is what pretty much everybody thinks the creators mean when they speak on this part and why he ended it. Is he shocked that's shes so responsive? Yes but I don't think that shock has a negative impact on the moment because he never actually had complete control of the sex act and he wanted her to feel powerful. That was never the point to begin with. Rhaenyra is supposed to take control of her sexual encounter, she's supposed to be an equal participant. She's supposed to seek pleasure and take what she wants. She's supposed to give him as good as she gets. That's the lesson. That's the whole point of the awakening. This entire thing is about empowering them both, not just him. This empowerment is important for rhaenyra for all the reasons I mentioned above and Daemon knows this. He had an entire conversation with her about this. He comforted her about her lack of all these things earlier. We even hear Rhaenyra tell alicent that her hundreds of suitors don't actually want her, they want her name and her valyrian blood. Daemon is supposed to be the exception. He intentionally wants to make himself the exception. So having Daemon have a motive of wanting to dominate her sexual encounter and being unable to do so which makes him abruptly abandon then sell her out to ruin her for a title her would make this scenario even worse than it already is because it means he wanted to completely disempower her all so that he could have a shot at the iron throne that he was never going to get. It's literally making her worst fear, the source of all of her teen angst for the last 4 episodes come to life. This interpretation colors every single one of their interactions with darkness from the very moment he has a full conversation with her this episode and gives him a level of villainy that completely takes away his nuance as a character because this act with this motivation requires selfishness and callousness towards her that crosses a line. Ultimately I just don't think this characterization well supported by the narrative and It would also make it difficult to even sell a later romance between the two of them.

So the math ain't math'n so how can we make it all add up? That's what this entire analysis boils down to based on what I've already demonstrated:

Daemon didn't set out to manipulate rhaenyra and this was not a well-plotted plan to ruin her. He wanted to initiate her sexual awakening for her own good because he cares and for his own selfish desire to have her sexually

He loves viscerys but still has resentment towards him leading to an unending desire to upset him when the opportunity presents itself. He was well aware that his actions would potentially stick a knife in Viscerys's back if he found out about it and he relished it but it was not merely a ploy to piss him off.

He did not go out of his way to ensure viscerys found out about it. He just didn't care about the consequences if Viscerys or anyone else found out. He had no connection to the spy at all. The spy was Otto doing the whole time with the help of mysaria.

He actually enjoyed her having control during the encounter, it made him desire her even more because he has always been enticed by her moments of self-assuredness. It makes him crave her instead of wanting to reject her.

The only reason he could not complete the sex act with her is because Daemon has psychogenic erectile dysfunction for reasons that are yet to be revealed.

Daemon did not pre-plan asking for Rhaenyra's hand. It happened at the moment because for the same reasons he was unable to get an erection.

If you watch the scene just before he leaves the brothel Daemon is very much still into engaging with Rhaenyra when she turns around to kiss him. As I said before he was actually relishing her show of control, not shying away from it. The problem is at the point in the encounter where she turns around he has already kissed her, caressed her body and he has already stimulated her vaginally.

(You can see his hand move from her hip further down when he has her against the wall. It was clearly meant to stimulate digital stimulation but it was purposely obscured by shadows and angles to focus on Rhaenyra's pleasure versus the actual physicality of the act)

When she turns around the next escalation in their sexual encounter is actual penetration. She wants it. He wants it....only Daemon can not get an erection. That's why he pulls away and looks at her for so long. He is hoping her desire, her look of hunger, her hair, anything will get his penis to stand up but it doesn't. She pushes to continue but he can't to he pulls away every time. He even attempts to push through it but giving in to her again but he still can't perform. That's when he finally reaches peak frustration which is both embarrassing and inconvenient so he leaves her to nurse his wound on his own. That is why he see that he ended up passing our drunk somewhere and Mysaria has to retrieve him. The control the creators were speaking about wasn't control of the power dynamics of the act, it was about control of his ability to perform aka exert his power ultimate during the acts.

Daemon has psychogenic erectile dysfunction. He had this issue before Rhaenyra since we saw him in the middle of sex with Mysaria, someone he clearly enjoys but he was unable to maintain his erection and reach a climax. That's why they even showed us that scene. Daemon is not physically impotent, he has no vascular issues preventing erection, and he has no neurologic issue preventing erection. It's purely psychologic. When he retreats from Mysaria he is clearly preoccupied with several thoughts. He is chaotic as hell but he is extremely emotional. The emotions we see most often are just petulance, anger, and resentment. His encounter with Mysaria established that when Daemon has too many emotions and thoughts in his head it interferes with his ability to sexually perform. I don't when this started but that is exactly what happens with Rhaenyra.

Daemon sexually desired Rhaenyra but I think once he started the actual act of being with her sexually he completely lost control of his emotions and his thoughts NOT the power dynamics that that's what rattles him. Maybe a little bit of guilt for attempting to have sex with his young niece in the middle of a brothel kicked in, after all until this point he has only known her as family and despite the familial history of incest he himself has never actually engaged in it before (that I know of). Maybe he feels something because Rhaenyra completely trusts him and that trust is why he's about to take her maidenhead in the middle of a brothel even though that is not how her first time should actually be. Maybe he feels an overwhelming emotional connection to her at the moment that caught him off guard because this was supposed to be about sex. It's probably all of the above really but the idea is these thoughts come up and he can not control them and because he can not control them he can not get an erection to actually do the one thing he truly set out to do which is have sex with Rhaenyra. He also can not tell her this because she has no idea what erectile dysfunction is and he can not explain it to her without being humiliated. He is supposed to be the one giving her a sexual awakening not a lesson on men with broken penises. So he leaves her there when under any other circumstances he would never do that to her.

That knowledge makes the entire puzzle come together because it gives his reaction at that moment some context that fits with the lead-up and that makes his later actions make some sense.

When he is confronted by Viscerys he straight up lies to enrage Viscerys and to cover for his own humiliation. Those are literally the only real things he can gain from telling that lie. Unbeknownst to us all and Rhaenyra, Daemon also had an awakening with Rhaenyra and that's why when the opportunity presents itself he seizes the chance to take her hand in marriage. Through his humiliation, he discovered that he desires Rhaenyra in a way that is bigger than he realized. He doesn't just want her sexually he wants her fully and completely. He wants her laugh, her childish curiosity, her determination, her ability to see right through him, her bravery, her stubbornness, her petulance, her anger, her beauty, her valyrian blood, her claim, her everything. I mean he straight up tells Viscerys he will take Rhaenyra just as she is. That was about so much more than a reputation. It firmly makes Daemon the opposite of the men Rhaenyra hates which actually fits the narrative but makes it even more interesting because Rhaenyra is unaware of all of this so it gives them so much more to explore and play with for the characters and their relationships later.

So no he didn't plot to marry her, it isn't until Viscerys himself presents him with the opportunity that he decides that's what he wants to do. It solves the problem of her reputation and gets him what he wants which is Rhaenyra and the restoration of his house to a level of glory and admiration that he feels Viscerys has sullied with his weakness. That's why I think it's important to acknowledge that Daemon was being truthful about his motivations when he says he can restore his house to glory. That is definitely a part of it. Sure it makes his intentions less pure but it makes them authentic and that's what matters the most. If this wasn't spontaneous he would have tried to end his own marriage before he even brought it up to make it more likely to happen. Instead, he never asks to end his marriage, he only suggests taking a second wife because at that brief moment where viscerys has him at knifepoint it's the only reasonable way forward. He didn't have time to actually think about a more seamless way to have her hand in marriage.

Finally, Daemon actually does accomplish his goal. Rhaenyra leaves their encounter and she feels fully empowered so much so she feels comfortable propositioning Criston for sex AND she takes the dominant position placing her own pleasure above all. Her view on sex and relationships and her own power have completely changed thanks to Daemon. This is further solidified by the fact that when her father tells her she's marrying Laenor she doesn't fight him. She will actually do her duty now because she gets what it fully means and no longer feels like she will be a prisoner in a marriage. She even feels so empowered she challenges Viscerys to get rid of Otto, a man he has been loyal to for decades AND it actually happens. Rhaenyra can now effectively navigate her future because of one intense experience with Daemon that shifts her perspective and I think that's pretty awesome for Rhaenyra and for Rhaenyra and Daemon as a pairing.

So in summary: Daemon Targaryen is a chaotic man with chaotic feelings but he is sprung on rhaenyra targaryen and he is not a cold-hearted master manipulator. Rhaenyra is now a boss bitch. Thanks, Daemon. The end lol

#daemon x rhaenyra #daemyra #rhaenyra x daemon #HOTD #HOTD commentary #Daemyra commentary #whew this is long y'all I'm so so sorry #if you read this you're a real one #this is just my attempt to make it all make sense in my head #I hope it makes sense #AGAIN THIS IS LONG AS SHIT PLEASE BE AWARE

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