#it’s normal to want attention but i haven’t been seeking it in healthy ways

[zuble]

i’m looking back at my time on this blog and realizing i’ve been oversharing quite a bit to you strangers who never asked. i’m going to try to stop that.

this is supposed to be a fun space for me to talk about video games and gay stuff. you don’t need to know my medical history or traumas. sure it’s fine to allude to it every now and then, like you can know i have some issues, but a bunch of randos don’t need to know all the details lol.

#i’ve been so desperate for attention #it’s normal to want attention but i haven’t been seeking it in healthy ways

[words-with-wren]

dema dont control us

Grian was staring at the ceiling, hands behind his back. He’d been lying in bed for a while now, listening to the quiet sounds of Boatem at night.

He had almost given up actually sleeping tonight, and he was almost expecting the shrieking of phantoms to solidify that thought. It was going to be another one of Those Nights, and he really wasn’t sure why.

He’d had plenty of bad nights before - they were almost as common as the nights he managed to fall asleep the moment he went to bed. Nights where he would lie in bed for hours, mind running too quickly to keep up with.

Inevitably, his thoughts turned to places he didn’t want them to. Usually, at that point, he would give up on sleeping and go to seek out another hermit, if anyone was still awake. Tonight he really didn’t want to disturb anyone. It was silly really, that he was still awake in bed, a part of him wanting comfort, another human being to be near.

He groaned, rolling over onto his side and pulling his wings tightly around him. Why couldn’t he just sleep? He was tired - he’d spent all day working on Midnight Alley, and he was satisfied with the outcome. It was looking good.

But unfortunately, his brain was decidedly not cooperating. What if it wasn’t good enough? Pearl’s base was looking amazing, and of course Scar’s was overshadowing almost all of Boatem. Even Mumbo was pushing himself this season, making an awesome building! He had to keep up - had to be perfect.

A light tapping caught his attention, a sound outside of the normal night noises. He pushed himself up, blinking in the dim light and trying to make out the source. It was rhythmic, a few taps and then a pause. Like someone was knocking on the window.

With a frown, he sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, wings draped comfortably behind him. The tapping came again, and he made his way towards the window, pushing aside the blinds.

A bird was sitting on the windowsill, lifting its head from tapping on the glass. It cawed softly at the sight of him, hopping from side to side and bobbing its head.

“Hello?” Grian mused, carefully opening the window. The bird crowed softly again, fluttering into the room and perching at the end of Grian’s bed, fluffing its wings in satisfaction. Grian unconsciously copied, fluffing his own wings as he closed the window again.

“Who’re you then?” he asked, moving to sit on the bed again. He folded his legs in front of him, somewhat glad about the distraction from his ever spinning mind. The bird chirped, running its beak through its feathers.

It was a deep black - some kind of corvid, Grian didn’t know enough to tell if it was a crow or a raven, but from its size he guessed raven. It was sleek and clearly well-fed, a healthy-looking bird - and Grian knew something about that.

But most striking were its eyes. Deep, intelligent eyes. And somehow - somehow familiar.

“I’ve seen you before, haven’t I?” he asked, and the bird nodded, fluffing its wings and looking around the room. Grian was struck with the idea that it was taking it all in.

As he watched it, he realised that he had seen it before - recently as well. It had been hanging around Boatem recently. He’d spotted Jellie, staring at it perched on top of the Boatem pole the other day, and just today it had been watching him work.

“You’ve been hanging around us recently,” he mused, and the bird cawed softly again. “But that’s not where I know you from.”

It wasn’t a question - he knew. He knew he had seen this bird before, knew they had a history. But he didn’t remember even knowing a corvid.

It let out a long-suffering sound, shaking its head and squawking again. Then it turned its head on one side and fluffed up its wings, before launching off the bed and fluttered to land on Grian’s shoulder.

He yelped slightly by the surprise of a large bird settling on his shoulder, regaining his balance by throwing his opposite hand out to catch himself. The bird squawked, flawing its wings and flapping a few times, its claws digging slightly into Grian’s shoulder through his thin bedclothes.

“Hello,” he said, slight amusement in his voice. The bird cawed once, twisting around to bend over and peck gently at his wings, seeming to investigate them. “Yeah, I got wings too.”

It crowed again, sounding amused, as though that was obvious. Then it reached out a batted the back of his head with its wing, fondly, knowingly.

It was a familiar gesture, though Grian still couldn’t quite place where from. He sighed, twisting his head to get a good look at the bird and its intelligent eyes.

“Surely there’s some way you can tell me who you are?” he said. The bird was quiet for a moment, ruffling its wings, and then it clicked its beak together and launched itself off Grian’s shoulder.

He yelped again at the sudden movement, falling back onto his pillows, wings flaring around him. When he pushed himself up, the bird was perched back at the end of the bed, cackling in strange laughter, eyes twinkling.

Grian gave a mock scowl, crossing his arms slightly, but the scowl didn’t last long and it faded into a grin.

“That was rude,” he said, and the bird laughed again. But almost as soon as it did, it stopped, shuffling slightly, seeming hesitant. “There is something you can do, isn’t there?”

It nodded, crowing softly, almost comfortingly. It raised a foot, balancing carefully, and seemed to hesitate again. Then, carefully, it traced an awkward shape with its foot.

A rectangle. With broken corners.

Grian felt his throat tighten, his heart rate immediately quickening. The bird was from them. Had they found him? Were they here to bring him back?

The bird crowed, loudly, pulling him out of his thoughts. He focused on it, on its sleek black feathers, on its eyes that seemed to understand everything. It crowed again, softer this time, in a voice that seemed to say trust me.

And despite himself, despite his heart beating loudly and the fear of everything they meant - despite himself, he did.

There was a crackle of magic - magic he knew, magic he felt daily, though faded and faint as it coursed through his being. Purple magic crackled through the air and his heart thumped loud enough to hear, to fill his every sense.

They were here. They were here, they were going to bring him back. He crawled back, wrapping his wings around him and hugging his legs, trying to breathe.

He didn’t want to go back. He didn’t want to go back. Please - please he didn’t want to go back - he had left, he had left for a reason.

“Relax, relax.” A voice filtered past his heart beating in his ears, a voice that was familiar, comforting. “I’m not from them, I promise. I’m not here to take you back.”

The voice was soothing, the words even more so. Grian took a shaky breath, then another, forcing himself to breath, to let his pounding heart slow down. For a moment, he felt embarrassed - it had been years since he had left, and yet he still panicked as soon as he was even slightly reminded of them.

But slowly, he unfurled his wings, freeing himself from the protective cocoon he had made, his breathing a little more normal.

Standing at the end of the bed was a woman. Large, black wings sprouted from her back, matching the blackness of her hair that flowed down between them. A large hat perched on her head, shadowing her face, but it was a face that Grian knew, even without the mask he had only ever seen her with.

“Trixtin?” he whispered, lingering panic mingling with surprise. How was she here?

She grimaced at the name, reaching up to remove her hat and run a hand through her hair, pulling it to fall in front.

“Ugh, I hope not. That was the name they gave me. My name is Kristin.”

It was strange, how much that simple phrase calmed him. The last of his fears faded, replaced with a glowing delight. She was here - and she had cast away the name they had given her. She was here and she had left.

“Grian,” he said, immediately, needing her to know. Needing to know he wouldn’t hear the name they had laid upon him from her. She nodded, a sparkle in her eyes.

“I know,” she said. “It suits you much more.”

“You too,” he said, and she smiled. She gestured with a questioning look at the bed, and Grian nodded, scrambling back to give her space. She sat down, crossing her legs at the end of the bed, and they sat opposite each other.

It felt oddly like the sleepovers he and Pearl used to have as kids, sitting on a bed late into the night, playing games or just talking.

He should invite her for another sleepover.

“How are you here?” he asked, focusing on the more pressing matters. The matter of his old friend, his older mentor, the only sliver of comfort he had during his time with Them was sitting opposite him, a grin on her face.

“Well,” she said, and there was laughter to her voice. There had always been a faint hint of laughter to her, back then. But now - now it felt more real, more free. “That’s a bit of a long story. But it’s partly thanks to you.”

“Me?” Grian asked, fluffing his wings up in surprise. “But I -”

“You’re the first person to leave them, you know,” she said, and Grian blinked. “A trailblazer. You showed the rest of us it was okay to leave.”

“But - I only left because you encouraged me.”

“No,” she said, and she smiled as she spoke. “Even if I wasn’t there you would have left eventually, Grian. You’ve got too much fight in you to roll over and obey them.”

“I don’t like following stupid orders,” Grian muttered, and she laughed. A pure, clear laugh, one that he had heard before - but muted, held back, quite. Now, now she laughed freely - and he could tell, she laughed a lot.

“So what happened?” he asked, pulling a wing into his lap to twist his fingers through his feathers while he listened.

“You left, and then… well, I decided I could do a little rebellion of my own.” She grinned as she spoke, a fond note in her voice. “I used the powers They gave me, and I visited the world I was supposed to only Watch. Of course - I couldn’t visit in my human form, They would notice that immediately. So I used what I had been taught and transformed into the raven form.”

Grian nodded - and then the implications of the comment hit him.

“Could I do that?” he asked. If she had retained that power even after she had left - maybe he could do that as well. He was already thinking of ways he could mess with his friends if he had the power to turn into a bird. A slow smirk began to sneak over his face.

She laughed, clearly seeing right into his plans.

“I dunno, maybe I can teach you,” she said, and her eyes sparkled. Grian grinned.

“Oh I can already think of so many pranks,” he said, and she laughed again.

“I’m sure you can.”

“Go on,” Grian said, eager to hear more of her story. She nodded, running a hand over the feather in her hat as she spoke.

“You remember the world I Watched?” she asked, and Grian nodded. It was a single Player world, from memory, home to only one man. A rare permadeath world, in which a lone figure shaped his world, toiling through night and day, surviving longer than any other permadeath world that Grian knew about. “Well, he noticed me - very quickly really.” A strange, fond expression covered her face, an expression so full of love and care that Grian couldn’t help but smile.

He knew she cared about him, knew she always had. He had seen her, Watching him, smiling fonding underneath her mask.

And strangely, it sometimes seemed like he knew he was being Watched.

“Soon the raven form wasn’t enough, so I risked my human form a few times. Enough times to talk, to get to know each other. To…” And her smile grew, fond, caring, full. “To fall in love.

“And then he died.”

The words were said softly, and Grian drew in a sharp breath. On a permadeath server, that was bad - that was worse than bad. That was getting your code deleted, that was vanishing forever.

She laughed at his expression, laughed at the way his smile dropped.

“Oh, don’t worry,” she said. “It didn’t stick.”

“He was on a permadeath world though,” Grian said quietly. She nodded, and something flickered through her eyes.

“I - when he died, I felt like my world imploded. The Watchers - they wanted to simply assign me to another world and forget about him. But I couldn’t. So I broke the rules. I reached into the code of his world, I shaped his existence and I pulled him back.”

Grian let out a small whistle of awe, dropping his wings. It was a legend - that Watchers could break through even permadeath, could change the code of the universe if they tried hard enough. But it was forbidden, Watchers were not supposed to interfere, they were only supposed to Watch.

“Naturally, they didn’t like that very much,” she said, and there was laughter in her voice. “And I learned I couldn’t stay, not if they were going to act like that. More than that - I knew it was possible to leave.” And she looked at him, and smiled. “So I did. I left, and I joined him on his new world.” And she laughed again, pure and clear and real. “There’s a legend there, that he somehow managed to seduce the goddess of death. We’ve not done anything to dissuade it - maybe even encouraged it a little.”

Grian couldn’t help but laugh, a laugh of relief and happiness and pure joy. Because she was here - his old friend, his only friend - from those days. His mentor, who had encouraged secret laughter, and praised him for his pranks. Who had reminded him what it felt like to be a Player, to have friends, to feel the heat of the sun and the cool of the wind.

Who had encouraged him to leave, who had laid her hands on his shoulders and wrapped her wings around him and told him words he had clung to in those first few months in the world alone.

“You don’t belong here. You’re not like us - you’re a Player, through and through. Go - go and cause chaos, go and bring excitement and chaos and joy wherever you go.”

It was those words, that gave him the courage to start pranking again, back when he had first joined Hermitcraft. It was her words that he clung to, when he felt like he didn’t belong, when he felt like the Hermits could see right through him, when he felt more like a Watcher than anything else.

It was her words, her soft, stolen hugs, her love in that cold and unforgiven world that was the only reason he had survived.

And now - now she was here. In his house. Here, and she was free, free just like him. And she was happy, happy in a way he had never seen her be while she was there.

“It’s good to see you,” he said softly, trying to convey the last few years of missing her and surviving because of her into only a handful of words.

“I’ve been looking for you for a while,” she said.

“You have?” Grian asked, and she nodded eagerly.

“Did’cha think I’d just leave you be?” she asked, and there was a sparkle in her eyes. “Of course I’d look for you, though I didn’t actually know your name. Only the name they had given you. I would probably have found you sooner if I had.”

“So how did you find me?” Grian asked, shifting a little closer. She smiled.

“MCC, actually,” she said. “A few games ago, you were on a team with my husband. Well, technically he subbed in. For my son, actually.”

There was laughter in her voice, and Grian stared at her incredulously, trying to process what she had just said.

“Wait - Philza Minecraft is your Phil?” he asked finally, his brain struggling to catch up. She had a son?

“Yes,” she said, and she laughed as she spoke. “I was watching your team with him, and you seemed familiar. It wasn’t until he actually joined the game that I realised it was you. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to contact you.”

“Stalking me in bird form was your final choice?” Grian asked, raising his eyebrows. Kristin chuckled.

“Admittedly, I probably could have done better. But it’s hard to get through all the firewalls on this server in human form!”

“X isn’t going to be happy about you slipping through, by the way,” Grian said, grinning.

“I just pointed out a few… flaws,” she said, grinning. She paused a moment, staring out the window, blind still open. “How are you?” she asked, turning back to him, and Grian could feel years of separation in that one question.

He let out a long sigh, running his hand through his feathers a few times before tucking his wings back behind him.

“It’s… it’s been a long road,” he said finally, letting out a long breath.

“They tried their best to break you,” she said quietly, softly, sadness and regret staining her words. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.”

Grian looked up at her, shaking his head.

“You did so much - more than I think you know,” he said quietly. “But I - I’m doing… I’m doing well,” he said finally. “I have a home, a family. They helped me through… everything.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” and there was a note to her voice, relief, thankfulness. Grian smiled.

“Yeah. They’re all pretty cool.” And then he paused, an idea forming, the smile turning into a mischievous grin. “Hey - since you’re here, and you have that cool bird power, wanna help out with something?”

“And what might that be?” she asked, and he could tell by the grin in her voice she had an idea.

“Well - there seems to be a bit of a… prank war developing,” Grian said. “Totally has nothing to do with me -” Kristin scoffed, and Grian’s grin grew - “But Tango and the Big Eyes Crew air-dropped like a hundred ravagers on us the other day. I had an idea to get back at them, and if you’re willing to help… well, it would be even better.”

“What did you have in mind?” she asked, and Grian grinned.

#mcyt #hermitcraft #grian #philza #but not actually #kristin #mumza

[illuminatedquill]

Extracurricular, An Analysis

Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is sign on as it’s accomplice.”  - Tom Robbins 

You know the story. You’ve heard it before, right? 

Boy meets girl. 

Girl finds out that boy is running a side protection business for prostitutes. 

Girl decides to blackmail boy into letting her join his business. 

Classic high school criminal shenanigans ensue leading them into more dangerous situations where they are forced to make desperate decisions to stay alive. 

Oh, and they fall in love along the way. 

Oh? You haven’t heard this one before? Then let me introduce you to this delightful kdrama called Extracurricular. 

I watched this one while waiting for the newest Hometown Cha Cha Cha episodes to drop and ended up binging the whole series in two days. There are many remarkable parts of this series: it’s a crime drama, first and foremost, that showcases high school teenagers caught in a cycle of violence and crime, abandoned by the society and adults that are supposed to be protecting them. There are no clear good guys and bad guys in this drama; everyone is cast in shades of grey. Our main leads, Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri, run the prostitution business, and are both from broken family backgrounds. Their actions are morally questionable at best, but the top tier performances from Kim Dong Hee (you might remember him from Itaewon Class) and Park Ju Hyun make you cheer for them anyway. You want them to have a happy ending, despite the horrible things they do. The audience is always reminded that despite how clever they are in staying ahead, their actions have consequences, and they’re just high school kids. The drama never pulls it punches. 

But, weirdly enough, it’s also a love story. And that’s the part the really sticks with me until now. (The chemistry between the main leads is absolute dynamite and I could watch ten episodes of them just verbally sparring with each other. They don’t even kiss. They’re that fantastic when together on screen.)

I’m writing this because this is undoubtedly one of my all time favorite kdramas and I have a lot of feelings about our main pairing, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri. I can’t call them a couple (wait, didn’t I just say they fall in love) because their relationship can’t be labelled simply as that. Think of it as something similar to the main leads in My Ahjussi. Two people who should have become soulmates, yet met at the wrong time. 

This kdrama is not particularly happy, and while I do encourage people to watch this, I am warning that the subject matter is extremely dark. If you’re sensitive to scenes depicting sexual assault, graphic violence, or anything in that zip code you’ll want to steer clear. 

Also, I’ll be diving into spoiler territory in this analysis. So if you want to go in clean, then stop reading here. 

Still here? Awesome. Let’s dive deep into the messy, amazing pairing that is Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri. First, let’s do a brief character background on our two main leads, starting with Ji-soo. 

Oh Ji-soo is one half of our main pairing and this story starts with him. He lives by himself and has been essentially abandoned by his only parents; his father is a failed businessman who gambles whatever money he acquires on scams and his mother ran away. His apartment is small, sparse, but functional. He owns only a few outfits aside from his school uniform. The only unique item he owns is a pet hermit crab that he takes care of. His life outside of school is non-existent; he has no friends, no one to hang out with and do typical high school teenager activities with. He takes care of himself and lives only for himself and his “dream”: to graduate, attend college, get married, and have kids like a normal person. 

But to do that, he needs a large amount of money. He has no other financial means to do so (his father is largely absent, as is his mother), so he decides, at some point, to start up this protection business for prostitutes. The drama doesn’t go into detail about the how and why he came to this conclusion that this was the best way to make a lot of money in a short amount of time, so you’ll have to suspend your disbelief from the get go. Considering the themes of the story (how youths abandoned by society tend to act out in extreme ways to make it in this world), it’s not hard to believe his desperation would drive him to make such a decision. 

Ji-soo, despite his shady business, is actually a decent person. There’s a streak of humanity that exists inside him that refuses to go out, despite the increasingly dark and bleak events that start to overtake his life. He’s attached to his hermit crab, cares for his “employees” outside of them being tools to make him money, and doesn’t want to see anyone get hurt. He goes above and beyond what’s required to help out people at the risk of his own life (in particular, Gyu-ri, and we’ll get into that shortly). 

What we learn from the first few episodes is that Oh Ji-soo is extremely smart and methodical in how he approaches his life. At school, he is known as a model student - quiet, top of the class in terms of grades, doesn’t draw any attention to himself, always follows along with what the teachers ask of him. Only his homeroom teacher, Mr. Cho, seems to consider his quiet style of existence to be concerning and tries to make him less socially awkward by pairing him up with another student in a new extracurricular club. This leads to the introduction of Bae Gyu-ri, Ji-soo’s longtime crush and future partner-in-crime. 

Meet Bae Gyu-ri, the other half of our dynamic duo. Her introduction into the story kickstarts the entire plot, as one of her earliest actions leads to a domino effect that spells increasing doom and tragedy for our main leads. She messes with Ji-soo’s operation at a critical moment and she spends the rest of the drama doing her best to make up for the consequences that follow. 

In my personal opinion, she is probably the best main female lead I’ve ever seen in a kdrama. Hands down, no other character exists (currently) that rivals her sheer cunning, wit, and badassery. Gyu-ri is Crazy, capital C, and is the chaos to Ji-soo’s control; the fire to his ice. Despite being the direct cause of half the events that happen to Ji-soo in the drama, he can’t help but need her because of what she offers. They make an incredible team. Her competitiveness, her need to win no matter the odds, helps them survive time and time again. 

Gyu-ri is from the opposite end of the spectrum of Ji-soo; he’s dirt poor and she’s insanely rich (always nice to see a reversal of typical kdrama tropes). Her mother and father run a successful entertainment company. Gyu-ri is popular at school, friends with seemingly everybody, pretty, cheerful and gets along well with her teachers. Ji-soo, and the audience, believe from the beginning that she has the perfect life. It’s not hard to believe that she’s just involving herself in Ji-soo’s business because she’s bored and needs an outlet, at first. 

We soon learn otherwise. Gyu-ri has more in common with Ji-soo than he initially realizes, in that they’re both trapped in circumstances beyond their control - it’s just that Gyu-ri’s cage is gilded, whereas his is not. Her parents are strict and have her life planned out for her, all without her consent or input, leaving her feeling frustrated and powerless despite her rich lifestyle. A suicide attempt hasn’t done much to change her parents attitude towards her, only serving to further their control over her life. 

So, when she learns of Ji-soo’s operation she immediately seeks to angle her way into it. First, she tries to rip him off, believing that he’s an evil “pimp” and thus deserves it. But after spending some time with him, she changes her mind last second and decides to help him out instead. 

And, now, let’s get into their relationship, which is one of the best (if not the best) aspect in the entire series. 

I need to be upfront about something: the relationship between Ji-soo and Gyu-ri is not exactly healthy. I wouldn’t describe it as toxic - the circumstances surrounding them aren’t exactly the best environment to encourage open and honest communication - but it’s definitely not what should be considered ideal, especially for young adults, and especially for young adults who are dabbling in crime instead of studying. 

So, why do I love them so much? If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you know that I loathe toxic relationships in kdramas, so I understand if you think I’m coming off as hypocritical here. Why do I like Oh Ji-soo and Bae Gyu-ri when I didn’t like, for example from recent history, (oh boy, here I go again on my Nevertheless BS) Park Jae-eon and Yu Na-bi?

First, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri are way cooler than Jae-eon and Na-bi ever could be. They run a criminal enterprise that involves having a high amount of intelligence, cunning, and daring to do so. Do Jae-eon and Na-bi run a criminal enterprise as a side business? No, they don’t, because they’re boring art students. 

Secondly, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri actually progress in their relationship and change their views as they learn from each other. Now, granted, that progress isn’t towards becoming better versions of each other - quite the opposite. But at least they have progress. Jae-eon and Na-bi stayed in the same stupid cycle for the whole series and then decided that it was better staying that way as opposed to trying for something else. 

Last, but certainly not least, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri are actually interesting to watch for me. The chemistry between Park Ju Hyun and Kim Dong Hee is explosive and they way they spar, exchange looks, and just generally exist around each other on screen is something I can watch forever. I’ve said this before but Han So Hee and Song Kang’s on screen chemistry, outside of their intimate scenes, really didn’t impress me. 

Okay, back to Extracurricular. This relationship, man. It’s all I can think about (other than HomeCha’s Du-sik and Hye-jin, but that’s another post). Ji-soo and Gyu-ri are so good together. 

I’ve noted before that Ji-soo is methodical in how he approaches his life; he plans out everything ahead, and rigs any situation as much as he can in his favor. It’s brilliant, but when a crisis happens, he doesn’t know how to deal with it effectively. He panics and flounders; becomes indecisive at a time when clear, decisive action is required. 

Enter Gyu-ri. She quickly becomes the partner he never knew he needed. When there’s a situation, she becomes invaluable in her quick thinking and wit, coming up with solutions on the fly. It’s not perfect, but it keeps them just one small step ahead of whatever is coming their way. 

The only thing preventing them from becoming unstoppable is the lack of communication and trust they have with each other. A lot of that has to do with how Gyu-ri entered Ji-soo’s business - she blackmailed him first, and, when that failed, she strong armed her way into getting him to accept her help. It’s implied in the drama that Ji-soo has had a crush on Gyu-ri for a while (since ninth grade, I believe) and in the first episode he actually gets the chance to spend time with her outside of school on a sort of quasi-date. 

It goes sideways pretty quickly because of some shenanigans from his business, but not before she gets to know him and says some pretty touching words regarding his situation. Poor guy is head over heels - even after finding out that she’s the one blackmailing him, his feelings are only dampened, not extinguished. When he catches a glimpse of her family’s situation, he gains a deeper understanding of her and why she acts the way she does. Even more importantly, Ji-soo treats her the same after finding out this information which, to someone like Gyu-ri, means more than if he comforted her about it. 

If you want to see a physical representation of how he feels, other than paying attention to his actions, you can see it in him keeping mementos from Gyu-ri. She has an interesting habit of folding bags into origami shapes and giving it to him. Even after the blackmail reveal, you can see that he continues to keep these in a container on his desk. It’s really cute that he keeps these, when it probably doesn’t even matter that much to Gyu-ri. 

Towards the end of the drama, Ji-soo prepares to turn himself in to prevent Gyu-ri from being implicated in the crimes they committed. And it costs him almost everything to protect her. Ji-soo, the quiet, nerdy kid, puts himself on the line time and time again to protect Gyu-ri, knowing that it puts his life and his dream at risk to do so. And all for what? For some girl that he thinks doesn’t even like him in return? 

Well, let’s talk about that. Because I’ve seen some comments that Gyu-ri was only using Ji-soo for her own selfish gain. And I can agree that was how it was at the beginning for her; she definitely was only interested in acquiring money, like Ji-soo was, in order to achieve her own goal of being free from her parents. 

But, oh man, that is not what is motivating her at the end. 

It’s actually pointed out relatively early by some of her friends that it’s obvious that she likes Ji-soo more than he likes her. Understandably Ji-soo is keeping her at arms length from him given the whole recent blackmailing, so it would make sense that it looks that way. 

Further questioning reveals what she likes the most about him: 

“It’s not like I’m crazy about him. He’s fun. And amusing. He’s smart. And there’s a certain charm he has. He also has a wolfish side to him. But he thinks he’s a puppy.” 

- Bae Gyu-ri

But, as she gets to know Ji-soo better, you can certainly see that she starts to fall hard for him. As a cover story for why they hang out so much together during and after school, Gyu-ri states to everyone that they’re dating. The reactions across the school definitely imply that this is a shocking development, which means that Gyu-ri hasn’t dated anyone before. So why Ji-soo other than the reasons she herself states? 

He challenges her, just as she challenges him. Gyu-ri may be the more dynamic, quick thinking of the pair but Ji-soo is every inch her intellectual equal - just in different ways. She doesn’t seem to be the type to be easily impressed, but you can tell that she’s definitely impressed by Ji-soo’s operation and how thoroughly set up it is. When Ji-soo is frustrated at the beginning by his setbacks, he blows up at another student (knocks him out in a crazy punch) and immediately walks over to Gyu-ri afterwards (who saw the whole thing) to inform her that she is now his partner in crime. 

The look in her eyes, and the small smirk she has speaks volumes about her attraction to him in that scene. Smoldering. 

And, oh yes, she’s prone to jealousy. Another classmate, Min-hee, gives Ji-soo a present out of the blue (it was supposed to be for her boyfriend, Ki-tae, but that’s another sub-plot) - all within view of Gyu-ri. It’s hilarious how she tries to brush it off. Later, for plot reasons, Ji-soo has to spend more time with Min-hee which only furthers Gyu-ri’s annoyance. 

And her motivations stop being entirely about the money and more towards helping preserve the dream that she and Ji-soo share about being free. There’s a scene in episode 8 where it’s revealed that, due to a business partnership with a local gang (set up by none other than Gyu-ri herself in a desperate move), Ji-soo would have to drop out of school permanently to work on their behalf. Gyu-ri overhears this and, despite badly needing the gang’s help in sustaining their own business, immediately terminates the partnership. 

All because it would interfere with Ji-soo’s dream. 

Man, if that isn’t love. 

In the following episode, Gyu-ri, and later on Ji-soo, is kidnapped by the same gang in retaliation for terminating their partnership. Ji-soo comes to her rescue but Gyu-ri is already almost free (again, she’s really, really badass) and is demanding that they bring Ji-soo to her instead of running for her life. 

Surviving this latest attempt puts the two in a reflective, vulnerable mood and Gyu-ri asks Ji-soo why he keeps saving her. Ji-soo asks later on why she keeps risking her life to be with him. They don’t say the answer in words but in an almost kiss (yeah, you read that right - almost). 

And then, if you aren’t already convinced, Ji-soo crosses his one last remaining line in an effort to keep Gyu-ri safe; he accidentally pushes a fellow classmate down some steps and, instead of helping her, leaves her to die after grabbing the evidence she has on him and Gyu-ri. 

Extracurricular pulls off quite the magic trick here, hiding this well done love story in the middle of a serious crime drama. 

The real tragedy is that Ji-soo thinks that Gyu-ri views this whole business, and by extension his life, as one big game. It’s something that she takes offense at, visibly becoming upset when he says that. 

But even if that were true, he should be assured since Gyu-ri doesn’t like to lose. 

As they hurtle towards the end and face up to the consequences of their actions, Ji-soo and Gyu-ri undoubtedly lose sight of their original goals and dreams. They do some fairly horrible things to stay alive and ahead of the police who are close on their trail. You can’t really blame them for doing what they did; in the face of a society that has abandoned them, what they’re doing is a logical outcome to gain what they want so desperately and deserve so much: the chance to be free to live like normal, care-free people. 

I can’t say for certain that they achieve that. The drama is serious in consequences and, at the end, the net around them is drawing tighter and tighter. I won’t spoil the ending scene for you, because I highly encourage you watch this drama yourself but I will say this: Ji-soo and Gyu-ri seem stuck in an impossible situation with nowhere to go, and no one to help them, with a clock ticking down towards either death or discovery by the police. 

But, all the same, I’m always the optimist. They’ve gotten through situations like this before and they can certainly do so again. Maybe not as bad as this one, but not too far out of their league. And, like I mentioned before, Gyu-ri doesn’t like to lose. Especially when it comes to Ji-soo. 

Their relationship is truly dangerous, as Ji-soo himself notes. Them being together is the source of their problems; they’re too much alike now, as opposed to the beginning of the drama where he stated that they’re too different. Their love is the kind of love where both of them are willing to burn the whole world down if it means keeping each other safe. 

I’m a real sucker for those kind of love stories. No one’s a hero here. They’re just kids in high school, doing the best with what they know. 

Who are we to judge what is right and wrong? Especially when the one committing the acts are high school kids who don’t know any better and just want to save each other? 

Do we have that right? 

Do they really deserve that punishment? Shouldn’t we be pointing fingers at the society that forced them to act this way? 

Extracurricular really makes you think about that. Is it really so outlandish and terrible what Ji-soo and Gyu-ri do to survive when the adults who are supposed to be protecting them, teaching them better, have failed in their duty? 

Maybe they really did win at the end. Not so much in succeeding in their goals but in gaining something that not even regular people are likely to find - a partner, a soulmate, someone who will stand by you no matter what. 

If you do watch the ending, and are not an optimist like I am, then all I can say is this: whatever happened, they were together at the end. 

They were together. 

#extracurricular netflix #human class #netflix #kdrama #oh jisoo #bae gyuri #park joo hyun #park ju hyun #kim dong hee

[funkymbtifiction]

6 vs 9

Thank you for answering my question on Ni and worrying!

I have debated on 6 vs. 9 before, but I’m pretty sure I’m a 9.

Not sure if you want an answer or not, but why not? I’ve got time. ;)

I do see 6 aspects in myself:

Lots of self-doubt and over-thinking. I take commissions as an artist and usually I’m excited to hear about a new commission but then get worried and think I won’t be able to do it / won’t do a good enough job. <- if you are a 9, this could just be your line to 6 and general anxiousness about doing a good job per your (I assume) 1 wing.

Being indecisive when anxious and wanting someone to tell me what to do/solve my problem. <- Hmm, I haven’t talked to my 9 core friends about this a lot, but I do notice some of them consult me in a “this is happening!!!” way and I give them suggestions on what to do, so… I’d say 9s will consult people they trust if they don’t know what to do. Also, did you decide on INFP? If so, indecisiveness is Ne.

I tend to plan for the worst/expect the worst (but hope for the best). <- Pessimism is a human condition. xD

I don’t project, though - I do worry that people may not like me, but I don’t test them to find out if that is the case and I always blame myself for it (i.e if they don’t like me it must be because I’m boring or weird or not emotionally reactive enough). <- I used to do this way more when I was young. I’d send an e-mail, get anxious if I didn’t get a normal prompt response, comb back over what I said searching for anything that might have upset them, and feel anxious for no reason assuming someone is mad at me. I would send out little feelers to see what was going on – quick texts or notes in a friendly tone to see if that generated a response. Now I just assume, when that anxiousness kicks in, that as adults, we’re all busy. But self-blaming is a condition of Fi, and not related to Enneagram type, IMO.

Also, I don’t provoke people to examine reactions. In fact I hate conflict (the classic “raised voices = yelling” 9 issue is true for me; in 95% of arguments I’m the peacemaker trying to find middle ground between other people). <- with me, it depends. I have zero problems with conflict at home or arguing with my parents / family members, but the less I know you and the less I trust you, the more I don’t want to fight with you. It’s true, though, that I have that bratty 6w7 energy that sometimes provokes to get a rise out of my loved ones, which my mother (a 1w9) absolutely hates. It’s hard to shut off, but I try for her sake. Course my father is quarrelsome too, so we’re like a tempest in a teapot sometimes.

I also don’t see many positive 6 aspects in myself:

The ability/desire to build connections and make a security system. <- Interesting. My security is my bank account and having a few people I can count on. It’s not stalking up my pantry, for sure. *cough * weak Si, like what kinds of foods even go together? *cough* Though I work very hard in my family business so we can all thrive, which is a security of its own.

Being loyal to friends and checking in with them to make sure we’re “okay” (I never do this barring an actual argument or something - mostly I ghost people; loyalty is not my strong suit!) <- This is very true of me. If anyone picks on any of my friends, I will get offended and fiercely defend them (even if I have criticisms of them myself). And I do like to stay connected as an extrovert. But following up what I said above, I don’t try to build super close connections as much as I did when I was younger. I’ve realized people have their own lives, and you’re lucky to get their attention at all. But I don’t ghost people. I used to stay in very immediate contact with them.

I feel very little need to connect with other people. My friends are basically my family and in-laws -  about 10 people who I truly trust and would do anything for. I don’t really want more people-related responsibilities. <- lucky little sp-dom introvert. ;) Though I can somewhat relate. More people means more energy going out, and I spend so much of it on my books and hobbies, I don’t have a lot left over. I was laughing with a fellow sp-dom INFP just yesterday about how we are both like “OMG, I have SOCIAL events in October, 5 of them!! I’m going to be so busy!!! Will it be too much???” Chill, girl. They’re interspersed over weeks. Stop over-thinking “invasions of my time!”

Meanwhile, I have many positive and negative 9 attributes:

The core problem of 9, apathy, is a BIG problem for me. Many problems in my life have been caused by not acting, by waiting too long in hopes that the problem will go away, by riding along on easy work (even if it is work I love and is worth doing) and not doing the hard work that would lead to the achievements I really want to make (writing a novel, etc.). I’m not a lazy/apathetic person in general - I can (and do) work extremely hard (I run my own art business and working 12+ hours a day is typical for me). But it’s a mental apathy issue, the quailing at mentally facing hard tasks and ending up doing small easy things that soothe me. <- aww, tho I relate to procrastinating. Being around 9s, it kind of amuses me to watch you self-soothe. Like, shouldn’t you be studying for your math final and not reorganizing the bathroom cabinets? And it seems like 9s can drag their feet even when it’s important until they decide to do it, then nothing stands in their way.

Other 9 aspects/problems I can see in myself:

Being vague - not knowing what I really want and getting frustrated by not having a clear vision of what to do. <- yeah, that’s 9ish.

Suppressing anger and other “negative” emotions because of seeking inner peace/blankness. And if I do express anger (usually in a burst under stress) I feel guilty about it. <- 1 wing, yeah.

Setting up walls between other people and myself because I can’t deal with their emotions. I don’t struggle with the intense kind of “merging” described by many 9s, but I think that might be because I’m Fi-dom and probably sp-dom. But it is still exhausting to handle the emotions, opinions, etc. of many people for long periods of time. <- I need to ask my 9w8 INFP more about this specifically, but I don’t know that she fully merges so much as prematurely (sp-dom) throws up a barrier and says Nope to things, in hopes of avoiding other people creeping into her feelings. And yeah, she finds being around especially temperamental or high energy people difficult, since it’s such a bombardment of drama + her own intense reactions.

Tolerating behavior I don’t like for too long because “they might have good intentions.” Thinking positively of people because believing the worst of them feels mean. <- same for me, Ne + compliant type issues.

I have very strong opinions but I don’t like to argue with other people. I tend to believe that if the truth exists, other people will be drawn to it without my twisting their arm and making them see it. <- that’s nice of you and very healthy Fi-dom. I … will absolutely argue up to a point, then decide it’s not worth my time and pointless.

My motto (good and bad) is often “Let’s wait and see if things improve.” <- haha.

Also, although I do struggle with 6ish self-doubt, when it comes down to it I trust my gut and believe that I know what is best for myself. People can give me advice and I’ll nod and thank them but inside I’m thinking “You don’t know me!” In general I am (or at least appear and strive to be) a cheerful, emotionally stable, positive person. So… I still think 9 gets more points. But honestly, this is one of those things that makes me believe in tritypes because I relate a lot to both of them! Thank you for reading all of this!

Go with your gut. Be a happy little 9. :)

ETA: Regarding relating to them both -- of course you do, 6 is your stress line, so it will show up regularly. ;)

#question #enneagram #enneagram 6 #enneagram 9

[x-reader-theater]

Hello! Can you do Spencer x gn! reader based on the song Birds by thomas sanders where the reader would be watching birds everyday alone and spencer would notice the reader every time he walked to work. one day the reader would still sit on the park bench in pouring rain and thunder and spencer decide to see whats up and finds the reader crying, beaten and bruised by their own family, so spencer decides to sit next to them and talk about birds. (if you want to write it further it would be a lovely strangers to lovers)

thank you for advance❣

God I love this song so much. I hope you like this! Also, sorry for not posting yesterday. That was my bad. I haven't been writing as much because I'm leaving to go to college in eight days so I'm kinda busy packing all my stuff again, so if I take a break for no reason, that's why loll. Edited by @mystic-writes

Gif by @reidgifs (Happy birthday 🎉)

I don't wanna drive a fancy car today

I don't wanna ride in a red corvette

I don't wanna jog my Saturday away

But I don't wanna go home yet

You're sitting on your favourite bench again when the tall man walks by. He does this every morning and every night, and since you noticed, you've been trying to come out here more and more. You like watching the birds, cataloguing which ones you see, if they're new or returning. A lot of the returning ones come over and you feed them some healthy seeds and bird snacks, sometimes even fruit if you have it. A lot of the birds come over and bring the new or shy ones to get extra treats.

But, you always look for the curious man who watches you watch the birds. You don't feel scared when he watches. In fact, you feel extra safe, like no one can hurt you.

And you need that, because you really don't want to go home.

Today is not the day to jump out of a plane

I don't wanna parasail or play roulette

I don't wanna risk it all or go insane

But I don't wanna go home yet

I just want to watch the birds go by

From my handy fold-able blue canvas throne

I wanna watch them fly and fly

And see them soar up into the unknown

But I'd feel just like a nerd

Watching birds

Watching me here all alone

I don't wanna break dance or learn tae-kwon-do

I don't wanna fish 'til all the fish are gone

I don't wanna roller skate, even if it's slow

I don't wanna pass out in a marathon

You like this park because of how quiet it normally is. But today, there's a triathlon coming through, and your normal bench is constantly disturbed by the runners passing by. You have seen so few of your birds today, and by noon you've decided to give up and go to the little cafe across from the park. You don't like going there because you don't have much money to spend, and you like to save as much as you can, but you can't concentrate on anything.

As you're exiting the park, you see that same tall, skinny man standing at the finish line of the race, and the two of you lock eyes before you leave.

I don't like soccer, baseball track or field

I'm not up for a match of polo

I don't wanna seek or try to stay concealed

I'm also not up for... water polo?

I just wanna watch the birds up there

Track the migratory patterns that they flow

I wanna watch them from my chair

With my binoculars, my latte and my phone

Trying to spot a lark

In the park

Parked in nature all alone

You smile as Grape, a round little sparrow that you see almost every day, flies down towards you. He lands on the other side of your bench and you hold out some seeds for him to eat. He goes to eat them, but startles and flies away. You look behind you and see the man from all those times before standing next to your bench. You scatter the seeds on the ground and smile.

"Can-can I sit down?" he stutters and you smile and nod.

"Of course. Be my guest," you say, moving over a little more so he can sit down without touching you. "What's your name?"

"Uh, Spencer. What's yours?" he asks.

You smile. "[Y/N]."

"So…" he trails off, as if he doesn't know where to start. "You like birds, huh?"

You nod. "I do. I find they're easier than people."

"Really?"

"Yep. I just know what they want. Sometimes they like attention, sometimes it's food, and sometimes they just want to sit next to me and sing," you say as a Blue Jay lands on the ground and starts pecking at the seeds you scattered there.

"Do you want to- uh- know something about the Blue Jay?" Spencer asks, looking sheepish.

You grin at him and nod. "Sure!"

Alone here with the doves

The sparrows, the ospreys

The owlets, the eaglets, and my list

It's just me and Mr. Finch

The robins, the kingfishers, the snipes

Though I heard they don't exist!

Each little species

And it's little way can teach me

What awaits you

If you can get away

I wanna watch the birds do what they will

Sorry if I'm ornithologically prone

I wanna watch from somewhere undisturbing

Quiet, calm, still

Sit right here and gaze at the unknown

I don't wanna fly in the sky, I just wanna be alone

It's not a big deal, or anything

You don't know where your tears end and the rain begins. You've been outside on your bench for so long in the rain that you are completely soaked through, shivering, wailing. No one's come up to you. No one's even walked by.

That is, until someone familiar does.

"[Y/N]?"

You look up and see Spencer standing over you. He has an umbrella out, and he's holding it above himself and you. You feel more tears or rain roll down your cheeks, and you hide your face in your hands, trying to hide the bruises from him.

"[Y/N]? What happened?" he asks, sitting down next to you. You try and tell him not to, that it's really wet, but he sits anyway.

You sigh, your head still in your hands, as you manage to get out, "My-my fath-father."

Spencer doesn't say anything. He just pulls you close and holds you as you sob into his shoulder.

"And-and my mother sh-she didn't- wouldn't- do any-anything!" you wail. Spencer drops the umbrella and hugs you tight around your shoulders.

You're alone with Spencer, and you've never felt more safe.

I just wanna be alone

[haechanniesunflowers]

Stray kids reaction to you being distant all of a sudden

Guys I did it, I wrote another :D

Warning: derogatory words, depression, anxiety

Bang Chan

It started happening after you appeared on Chan's room as a guest. Chan announced his relationship to the public and stays practically begged him to invite you to an episode of Chan's room. He convinced you that it will be fun.

You guys were having a good time, he made you feel comfortable and told stays how much you mean to him. You were reading comments, all saying how pretty you are and how you two look so good together. There was one in particular that caught your attention and made you shut down. You tried your best to keep your cool for Chan's sake and ended the live in a cute way.

You avoided him for a week, and Chan decided to phone call you on the next episode which you didn't answer. He felt something wasn't right because you shouldn't be busy at that time so he came over to your place after the live.

"is something the matter? Are you feeling okay?" he asks.

"yes Chris. Why though?" you say.

"I don't know, I guess I can feel your energy. You're sad" he says. You love this about him. How he can just sense your mood even when you perfectly hide your feelings.

"it's just a comment that bugged me, someone called me an 'attention seeking fat whore' and I let it get to me"

Chan looked visibly upset.

"I'm sorry you had to read that. They don't know what they're saying and aren't educated enough. You're perfect and I couldn't have asked for a better girlfriend" he says as he holds you in his arms.

Lee Know

You didn't realize that you had a scowl on the entire time Minho's performance was on. He had a dance stage with a very hot female dancer and you couldn't help but be jealous of the way he held her waist, how he easily lifted her and the way his hips moved against her. The sultry eye contact and her lips ghosting on your boyfriend's made you feel so jealous and uneasy you could have ripped your scalp off. Your voice of reason kept telling you it meant nothing and it was just a dance performance for his fans but your inner bitch said no sis he looks good with her and he deffo gon leave you for her so you being you, listened to the inner bitch and made the genius decision of not talking to him anymore yay.

The fact that he didn't notice your silent treatment because he was just so busy with practice and schedules, added fuel to the fire and even your inner bitch was like hey stop assuming things it was only funny the first time but no. Minho came to see you during a break between practice because it had been some time and he missed you a lot. He unlocked the door and walked in quietly wanting to surprise you and found you laying in bed crying.

"what's wrong why're you crying" he says softly, scaring you in the process and you scream.

"what're you doing here?!?!" you yell out trying to catch your breath. He slowly reaches for your hand but you pull it away and cover your face with the blanket.

"tell me what's wrong" he coos making you cry harder. He pulls you into his lap and hums a song rocking you back and forth until you calm down.

"I thought you left me for that girl you danced with" you mumble. He internally face palms. "I saw your performance and you two looked so good together and then you didn't contact me so I assumed it was over" you look at him with teary puppy eyes. After he reassured your that it was indeed just a performance and he wasn't going to leave your for another woman you were back to normal and it was time for him to go but he wasn't going to leave without teasing you.

"so you were jealous ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)"

Changbin

You haven't been replying to his phone calls or texts and he was getting worried. He knew you struggled sometimes but you always told him about it. And he didn't know what was up this time so his mind was making up scenarios. He didn't have time to see you because he was booked and busy and couldn't ask anyone to check up on you either. So after he was done with his schedule, and it was time to head to the dorm to sleep because the boys were dead tired, he compromised on his sleep just to see you. Isn't he the sweetest.

He knocked on your door but you didn't answer. After waiting for some time he couldn't wait anymore. Checking if the coast was clear, he took a pin out and picked your lock (he knows how to pick a lock guys okay)

He got in and went straight to your bedroom and saw you covered in blankets with the lights off.

"y/n?" he called softly, not wanting to startle you. You were expecting him sooner or later so it wasn't much of a shock.

He noticed you had become thinner and you looked tired. Knowing something triggered your depression, he came to sit next to you and hugged you. He understood you and that you needed space.

"you're so strong y/n, you will get through this" he says quietly.

You hug him back, nuzzling your face in his chest.

"I was worried, make sure to text me always okay?" he says and goes to sleep with you.

Hyunjin

You aren't the type to get jealous easily. You're pretty confident about your looks and your style so you knew Hyunjin had the best, you queen.

So please explain what you're feeling when you see an episode of stray kids reality show with another girl group as a guest, particularly Hyunjin getting along way too well with the pretty girl with purple hair, Hyeri. She's making him laugh and to top it off, the two of them reveal that they were class fellows in high school and were pretty tight.

Umm he never told you that. Why didn't he ever tell you that? Does he have something to hide? They still look pretty close.

You never learnt how to contain your jealousy so your brain automatically shuts out the source of it to protect you. He calls you but you're not picking up, "hmm maybe she's busy with her university work" he thinks and leaves it at that. You'll call him when you're free. But you don't, it's been over 2 weeks. No phone calls, no texts, nothing. He texts you asking if you're up for a lunch date but you don't reply so he goes to your place to check if everything's okay. Your flatmate let's him in and tells him you're in your room. To his disappointment, you're on your bed, using your phone.

"hey, why aren't you replying to my texts or answering the phone? Is everything okay?" he asks casually.

"oh, hey" you reply dryly, turning your attention back to your phone.

"okay... so are you up for lunch?"

"hmm? oh no I have plans with Jeno".

"Jeno? Lee Jeno? why? you know him and I don't get along well. Why're you suddenly hanging out with him?"

revenge is sweet you think.

"so? you don't get along with him. I happen to like him, he's really sweet and funny".

Hyunjin's catching on a little.

"yeah but you never really hung out with him before and I'm your boyfriend so I don't get why you're finding him sweet and funny out of the blue" he says.

"sounds like a you problem. I didn't complain about you being close to Hyeri, why're you getting jealous?"

click click click everything's making sense now.

"I see, you're jealous babe" he says licking his lips, eyes dark and voice deep. Damn you think he's hot.

He kisses you, it's deep and needy. This goes on for 2 minutes before he pulls away and gets up to leave. You're laying on the bed, out of breath and confused.

"I'll have lunch with Hyeri. Have fun with Jeno babe" he says before leaving.

He beat you at your own game sis I'm so sorry.

Han

Jisung loves you too much, always takes care of you and makes you happy. You're both obsessed with each other in a healthy way. You complete each other, the perfect match. Sometimes it was too much for you and you fell into the hole of self hate. You couldn't help but think what Jisung saw in you.

It was one of those times, and unlike other times, you weren't able to control yourself. You completely shut him out, blocked him from everywhere and his members too, making sure he couldn't contact you in any way. You would tell your roommate to say that you weren't home whenever he came to see you. You were hurt by your thoughts and it was hurting him too. He was so concerned, maybe I did something wrong he thought.

Your roommate answered the door and Han asked about you. "she's not home today either, sorry", she says apologetically.

"I'll wait for her" he pleaded.

"that's not a good idea, I don't know when she'll be back" she lied. But Han insisted so she had no choice but to let him in. She made him sit in the lounge while taking out her phone to text you not to come out of your room but she was too late. Here you were, asking her "what did he say" and immediately spotting him on the sofa. He's gotten thinner.

"y/n..." he said in a broken voice. Your roommate takes her cue to leave and apologizes to him for lying.

You didn't know what to say to him because you couldn't explain what was going on inside your head.

"do you hate me?" he asks looking sad.

You sit next to him and embrace him, just wanting him to be close.

"you know I love you" you say.

"then why?" he asks.

"it's me Hannie. It's not you. I can't fight it. I keep thinking I'm not enough for you" you say between sobs. He cries with you because he doesn't understand why you don't see how perfect you are.

Felix

He was preparing for a comeback so he couldn't see you often. You two decide to take a break and come back once he was done with promotions, it's what you always did so you won't demand attention and once you guys were free, you had each other. He's your safe place, you're his softest smol baby.

You supported Stray Kids but weren't exactly a fan so you didn't keep up with their promotions, hence you didn't know they were going for a dark concept this time. Felix and the boys dyed their hair and changed the makeup and wardrobe to fit the concept.

Overwhelmed. That's what you'd use to describe your state when you saw him on TV. Everything from his hair, his visuals and his clothes made you overwhelmed. He's just so beautiful and looked different.

It's not his fault at all but you hate the image you see in the mirror. Are you jealous of him? No. You're envious.

"he can own everything. Pull off everything. I can't do it" you say letting tears spill down your face.

When his promotions were over, he came to meet you but you were not ready to get back together. You were determined to change for him, for you. He was confused and hurt. Why did you need to change. But he would support you and wait for you.

Guys I'm not satisfied with Felix's part either, I'm going into a dark place mentally and I can't be happy with anything so please don't be disappointed. I still want to write because tumblr is my happy place.

Seungmin

He introduced you to his parents. They're really nice and loving people and welcomed you with open arms.

"our Seungminnie is in good hands" his mother says complementing you.

You say thank you and shy away behind his arm. Everyone swoons over how cute you are. But you think you messed up. Maybe you were being too weird and didn't leave a good enough impression.

You didn't want any kind of reassurance from him because you think it'll make you seem pathetic so you subconsciously start to distance yourself from him. He'd call you over when the members are out or asleep at the dorms but you'd decline. You wouldn't sit next to him when he'd come over and just spend your time in the kitchen or on your phone. He understood you and knew something was going on. You're at your terrace, letting the cold autumn air tingle your skin when he walks over to you.

"y/n? Is there something you want to talk about?" he says.

"why? what makes you think anything is wrong? I'm completely fine" you reply. You're over explaining, now he's 100% sure something is wrong.

He comes closer to you and holds your hand. "tell me. You know you can talk to me about anything" he says calmly.

After much hesitation you finally tell him "I think I was being stupid at your parents' house, they must think I'm weird" you say looking embarrassed.

"I'm sorry you thought about that. The truth is, my parents loved having you over. My mom wouldn't stop taking about how cute and beautiful you are after you left" he says, grinning.

"really?"

"yeah she wants me to marry you"

Your eyes go wide "she does?"

"yes" he says getting on one knee and opening the small box in his hand. "y/n you make me the happiest, and I've never felt more complete. Will you marry me?"

"yes Seungmin"

Jeongin

You've been warned by his manager to stay away from him because JYP thinks you're bringing him down. He sometimes is late for practice and isn't paying much attention to the choreographer. You argue with the manager at first but he explains how dangerous it is for IN's career. You love him but you don't want to get in the way y of his dreams. He wanted to be a singer and worked way too hard to get where he is today. You aren't just going to let all that go to waste. So you comply and little by little start distancing yourself all the while keeping it cool because none of this is his fault and you can't hurt him.

He doesn't notice, at all. Until one day he starts to wonder why he's second guessing over sending you a text to ask about your day. Things weren't like this between you two. How did this happen?

He texts you and you send a late reply. He can't stop thinking about how things have changed between you two so he personally goes to talk to you.

He's in your apartment and the air is thick and awkward.

"how are you Jeongin" you ask casually.

"I'm okay. Are you okay?"

"yes" you answer simply.

He can't seem to get comfortable with you like he used to be and can't get you to do the same.

The encounter he had with you made him realize that you two aren't in a relationship any more and you've been treating him like a friend for some time now. He can't do anything about it because he can't get you to talk. And you weren't gonna name his manager.

He has no choice but to accept the way things are.

#stray kids au #stray kids reader #stray kids #stray kids reactions #stray kids seungmin #stray kids lee know #stray kids bang chan #stray kids changbin #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids felix #stray kids han #stray kids jeongin #stray kids jisung #stray kids boyfriend #boyfriend! stray kids #stray kids masterlist #kpop reactions #stray kids angst #stray kids fluff

[thegreenwolf]

(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

#COVID-19 #mental health #executive dysfunction #anxiety #depression #mine

[kingofthewilderwest]

i lowkey found astrid's "you're getting in the way of her happiness" and "don't you want to settle down with a wife?" comments pretty amanormative and heteronormative. i'm a loveless aroace so seeing her somewhat antagonise tuffnut abt the way he acted (when i'd act in a similar way) rubbed me weirdly

Totes don’t remember precisely where this was in the HTTYD franchise... extremely rusty and haven’t watched RTTE and other materials in years... but I do remember getting to these lines and feeling uncomfortable as an aroace myself.

Like. The HTTYD television series has never been “cutting edge” regarding representational matters, and I’ve never expected it to cut any edges, though we also see a learning curve. Early jokes from ROB/DOB days where calling someone a girl was an insult got dropped by RTTE. But there was always an amatonormative edge to the DreamWorks Dragons RTTE episodes, too. It’s why I sighed over such things as hooking Mala and Dagur up, Fishlegs and Heather up, Snotlout getting his own quick romance plot with the Wingmaidens... plot moves that ultimately didn’t make much sense regarding their personalities, but let us swim in a world where everyone’s gotta try romance sometime, right? GOTTA HOOK THEM CHARACTERS UP. [sighghghg]

It is to my biggest, most immense relief that throughout the entire series, Tuffnut never entered a real romantic fling. At least you guys kept that for me. It’s one reason Tuff’s special to me... his values are in his family, and he doesn’t need romance to enjoy his life. That’s important. And while I appreciate the concept of writing a story where a character who isn’t romantic butts heads with someone whose values are romantic, peeps gotta be careful about how that’s written, in case it accidentally turns into an amatonormative world where the aromantic individual is expected to reduce their love for the sake of the romantic person being swept away by a romance-only focus that isn’t exactly the model of healthy social dynamics (we shouldn’t be dropping all our friends and family and treating one human as all emotional fulfillment once we enter something romantic, and I’m tired of that treated as normal and desirable happiness).

From my vaaaaaaaaaague recollection of how this conversation went down that you mentioned, it pinged so amatonormative it hurt. It pinged me as bad. I didn’t just feel weird, I cringed. It didn’t ping me as surprising because society talks that way so often, but I was like, “Hm yeah, NO.”

If you love someone and are close to them, and you’ve been their happiness for years and years and years, you are not by nature interfering in someone’s “happiness” because one person entered a romance. Nor are we automatically in the pinnacle of happiness once we start a romance, and suddenly all other relationships become an automatic interference of it. Are there ways in which you could sabotage someone’s romantic relationship? Yes. But are there plenty of ways in which people in romantic relationships intentionally or unintentionally sabotage their connections with other people uncomfortably, cutting them off and devaluing them? Also yes. And are there plenty of ways in which we’re happier when we have familial and romantic and platonic relationships all balancing our lives instead of one cutting out the other? Yes. 

A real solution isn’t like what Astrid implicitly suggests, where you should back off on someone else’s “happiness” (because you’re an innate interference) and go seek your own romance to be happy. Because what’s she suggesting? Clearly hooking up is what you should actually be doing to quit feeling lonesome... instead of working it out with the person whose relationship you are struggling with. 

There’s a miscommunication going down. And it’s not saying that someone like Tuffnut reacted perfectly. But. We need to endorse communicating with people we feel aren’t giving us attention anymore. We need to talk through about where we feel hurt and why. We need to talk things through until everyone’s on the same page and at least understands where everyone wants to spend their time and love.

Sorry I’m not talking very specifically about it, and hope my memories don’t serve me wrong. At this point in time, I don’t have the canon so snugly memorized that I can immediately pinpoint a quote into an exact episode anymore. I’d need reference of where it happened.

#hopefully this wordy response makes SOME sense #httyd #How to Train Your Dragon #Ruffnut and Tuffnut #Ruffnut #Tuffnut #Astrid #rtte #Race to the Edge #long post #analysis #my analysis #awesome anonymous friend #amatonormativity #Anonymous

[frankchurchillsaysrelax]

wherever you’re going i’m going your way

That night Buck dreams of a person he’s never met, of a life that was never lived. He has nothing to work with apart from a photo and a name, but he’s always had an active imagination and tonight it carries him to places that could have been.

.

The house Buck stands in front of is dark and cold, shadows creeping out of the ground, curling mysteriously along the siding as the wind whistles secrets against shuttered windows. He doesn’t know this place. He doesn’t like this place. He knows he should walk away but his feet feel stuck, anchored to this spot.

“Evan!”

He turns to look down the street and sees a boy on a bike riding straight towards him. He looks familiar and just his presence breathes warmth into the air. Buck feels like he can move again and when he does he’s just a little boy, gangly limbs tripping him up as he moves to be closer to the older boy, desperately wanting to be caught up in his orbit.

Gravel kicks up where tires come to an abrupt stop. The sun shines brightly behind the boy, reflecting off of sandy blonde curls and expanding that feeling of warmth all around them. He knows this boy, he just can’t remember where from.

“You know mom doesn’t like you being out here by yourself,” the boy says. “Get inside before you get yourself in trouble, kid.”

“I’m not by myself!” Buck laughs, running up to the bike, reaching out with stubby fingers wrapped around the handlebars, his feet only just skimming the ground. The boy’s balance never waivers, seemingly well accustomed to this move.

“Can I ride on your handlebars, Danny? Please?” Buck looks up, squinting against the sun. He draws the last word out with an exaggerated pout of his lips and he knows, just knows, that this boy will do whatever he asks.

The boy, Danny, shakes his head but is smiling. “Don’t tell mom,” he orders seriously before reaching out to pick Buck up and put him in place on the bike. Buck feels like a king on his throne from way up here with no fear of any danger coming to him. Danny would never allow it.

Wind whips against his cheeks catching the corners of his smile as they ride together down the street.

Buck feels the wind against his face but realizes too late that he is falling. He’s falling and there is nothing to catch him, just his hands meeting pavement. There’s the burning feeling of skin breaking and then his knees hit the ground sending pain ricocheting up his legs. Laughter is the next thing he’s aware of, coming at him from all sides, pushing him down further into the hot blacktop beneath him.

“Stay down, you freak.” Buck looks up and oh, he instantly remembers being here before. Sam Powers hovers over him with a sneer on his freckled face. It’s third grade and Sam has once again decided he’d rather not look at Buck’s birthmark any longer. Dread builds at the memory of what comes next. Behind them a bus door closes as the oblivious driver pulls away from the curb, little faces pushed up against glass to watch Buck’s torment.

“Get away from him you little creep.” The words sound like a roar, louder than any bus or laughter or shame.

Buck looks up from his spot on the ground to see Daniel striding towards them through the circle of onlooking children. He looks like a god from down here, Buck thinks. He’s so tall that his golden hair touches the sky and his letterman’s jacket draws a chorus of unsuppressed awe from the crowd. He’s nothing but impressive and Buck feels only pride at the knowledge that this is his brother, come to save the day.

This never happened back then, Buck thinks sadly. The thought floats away as quickly as it came and then he’s back in the present watching as his savior finally reaches him, bending down to help him up and dust him off. The other kids watch on but Daniel pays them no mind as he takes Buck’s small hands in his and frowns at the angry, red skin peeling away from his palms. The skin feels cooler under such careful attention.

“Come on, kid.” He puts an arm around Buck’s shoulders and leads him away from the scene. They stop long enough for Daniel to level Sam with a glare so threatening it leaves the bully visibly shaken, freckles more stark against his pale drawn face.

Buck smiles the whole way towards the jeep he himself drove through high school. Once he’s settled in the passenger’s seat, Buck shares a look with his brother, feeling like he’s being included in a secret and instantly feeling infinitely cooler than the sad memory of the little boy curled up on the ground surrounded by his laughing peers. Daniel closes the door with a wink.

Buck slams the door to his jeep and clicks the button to lock the door with an echoing beep. His shoulders are heavy beneath the weight of his backpack and the general stress of being a senior in high school. He drags his tired feet across the driveway and lets himself into the side door of the house.

“Hi, honey,” his mom’s voice carries out from the kitchen, cheerful and soothing like warm tea and honey on a rainy day.

The backpack has disappeared from his shoulders but the oppressive weight remains and Buck is drawn to her, seeking out the palliative nature that fills the house with only two words.

“Hi mom,” he says quietly, pressing a brief kiss to her cheek. It feels totally normal, habitual, like they have been this affectionate his entire life.

She looks different, wrong somehow. She’s older than she should be, her hair shorter than she used to wear. She’s smiling, he realizes. Her smile is warm, comforting, and safe, highlighting the creases at the corners of her eyes, and before he knows it he is dragging her closer for a hug.

She wraps her arms around him without hesitation, her hands rub gentle circles between his shoulders and it feels like Maddie or Athena but more. It feels like a hug from his mom.

“There’s something for you on the table,” she tells him. He separates himself from the embrace reluctantly, arms moving to a script he doesn’t want to follow, and walks towards the kitchen table. On it is a large white envelope, the blue and white Nittany lion staring up at him, bold and proud. His mom’s hand rests easily on his shoulder and stops him from floating above solid ground.

“Congratulations, honey.” He was alone the last time this happened. “Your father and I couldn’t be more proud.” The words have him spinning with an unknown happiness.

He spins around and there is Maddie in her old nurses’ scrubs looking exhausted but healthy and so young.

“Maddie! You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here, Evan,” she says tiredly. “I work here.” She’s evasive, walking around him without looking directly at him. Her sneakers squeak against the too clean hospital floors as she walks further away. The wide, white halls surround them but in the corner a shadow looms, waiting for a chance to reach out and swallow them in its darkness.

“You haven’t been answering any of my calls. Or mom’s. Or Daniel’s.” He reaches out for her, unsurprised but still guilty when she flinches slightly. The shadow coils like a snake ready to strike. “We’re worried about you Maddie.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Evan.” She finally looks at him, a familiar perfectly fake smile spread too tight across her face. “I’m happy,” she promises. She takes a step closer to the shadow. “I’ve just been busy, that’s all.”

“I don’t believe you. Please, Maddie, talk to me. I know something is wrong with him, I know you need to get away. Please just leave him,” he pleads. All the words he never had the guts to say come flowing out as a river of truth.

A pinky wraps around his though Maddie does not move. The shadow curls around her leg, claiming her. Buck looks to his right and there is Daniel in his white doctor’s coat standing strong and silent beside him. It’s like that day on the playground all over again only now Buck stands tall beside him. Together they are unstoppable. A united front. They each reach a pinky out towards their sister.

“Come with us, Maddie,” Daniel tells her with an authoritative big brother voice. Sunshine pours from his mouth cutting at the shadow with sharp rays of light.

She looks between them and finally, finally closes the circle, pinkies locked together with theirs allowing them to pull her toward warmth and safety, a light brighter than any other emerging from her to scare the darkness away.

The flash nearly blinds him. Maddie takes photo after photo of him and the small bundle in his arms. His niece is like air his hands try too hard to hold onto, far too fragile for someone so big to be holding all by himself.

“Be sure to cradle the head.”

Daniel is here, of course he is. Present at the official welcoming party for their tiny, precious niece and as always steady at his side. Athena and Bobby’s back yard is bursting with life and love once again as everyone Buck loves gathers in one place.

His mom and dad, now holding the baby, stand off to the side, bright smiles on their faces that Buck has never seen before. Maddie glows at the center of everything as Chimney, Hen and Eddie orbit around her. Bobby and Michael are at the grill while Athena, Karen, and May play with the kids. Everyone here, happy, healthy, and alive, the air buzzing with energy.

“This is a pretty good family you’ve got here, kid.”

Buck turns to look at his brother but instead finds that young boy on the bike watching the group of people around them with a wistful look on his face.

.

Buck wakes to the early morning light shining through his windows. Despite this and the noise Albert makes downstairs, he squeezes his eyes shut tight, desperate to not let the dregs of his dreams slip out of reach.

#my fic #911 fanfic #911 fic #evan buckley #daniel buckley #911 #911 fox #my first 911 fic and it has to be a dream sequence because of course #also i hate the ending #so yes i know it’s bad #whoops...this isn’t my side blog

[thebluelemontree]

As a teenage girl, Sansan, Sanrion, and Sansa x Petyr are all gross to me. I don’t understand how ppl like you ship them because the scenes you guys read as romantic like Blackwater read to me as sexual assault. Even if Sansan got together when Sansa was older, I wouldn’t be able to see it as anything but successful grooming. Sandor is only 3 yrs younger than Petyr & he’s making sexual comments about a 12 year old’s breasts like men that have catcalled me. Her dreams are abt trauma, not romance.

First, let me say how sad I am to hear that you’ve been the target of catcalling especially at a young age. I’ve been in a situation where an older man used his position of power at a social gathering to trap me into hugging him so he could kiss me on the cheek. This was after another incident where he had put his hand on my thigh and I was actively trying to avoid him. I completely understand how icky and shaken it can make you feel when that kind of attention is aimed at you. It still sticks with me some 15 years later. And I know a lot of people in the Sansan community can relate as well from the stories I’ve heard from them. If I, or a lot of other Sansans I know, had been there when you were catcalled, that pervert would have had the fear of God put into him for messing with a kid like that. Men like that are absolute garbage.  

Your feelings are totally valid. I’m never going to say you shouldn’t feel a type of way about some ships. I have my squicks too. There are some ships I’m like *gag* “Nope, not for me.”   

I’m a little concerned, though, that you are seeking and engaging with fandom content that seems to really upset you and reminds you of your horrible experience. For your own well-being, I’m strongly advising that you don’t do this anymore for a number of reasons. Please, please, please take care of yourself first. There is nothing in fandom that is worth you having to relive experiences that have negatively impacted you. You can curate your dash to block out as many of those blogs (including mine), tags and keywords as possible. If you can’t stay away from it, you might need to ask yourself why that is. Another reason is that there are very unsavory types in anti circles that want to harness other people’s real life trauma and encourage them to believe it is their moral obligation to engage with potentially triggering content to fight against things like real life sexual assault, pedophilia, and predatory behavior. No real life victims are saved or helped by going after fandoms you find objectionable. If people in your circle are making it seem like you are being a good soldier in a noble cause by sending me an anon message like this, I would seriously think about what they want from you, why they aren’t concerned about your well-being first, and if this is a healthy way to be spending your time. Time you’re supposed to be enjoying things and having fun.  

Under normal situations, I would say if you wanted to understand why I shipped something, I’d say go through my sansan meta tag; however, I think we’ve established this is probably not a good idea for you. So don’t. You don’t need to understand me or anyone else in any of those other fandoms. Just walk away. 

I see that you could still potentially be a minor (under 18), which is why I’ve responded with patience and understanding. This is where I need to get a little stern with you.

I think we can both agree from your message and my response that harassment of any kind is not okay and it doesn’t feel very good to be on the receiving end, does it? So why do you think it’s okay to send people anon messages implying they are bad people for shipping fictional characters? I realize you could have worded it with far more incendiary accusations, and thank you for not doing that at least, but I can still feel your judgement and contempt for me personally. 

I just want you to know that I do not care what you think of me, my ship, other ships, or how you interpret the text.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t care what your interpretation of the Blackwater is because I disagree and I think you’re wrong. Period. I may feel empathy for you because of your horrible experience, but I do not care about anything else you said. I’ve already laid out my responses to interpretations like yourself in great detail in the past. I do not need to explain myself to you or anyone else any further. 

Furthermore, ASOIAF is not a series created for a kid or YA audience, even if it features young characters. It’s thoroughly adult content written by an adult for other adults. You enter at your own risk. We are not adult fans invading your underage fandom space with our ships. Absolutely no one is obligated to make their fandom a safe space for you. I can and will ship whatever the hell I want, and I don’t care how it makes you feel, when you are not taking any responsibility in curating your own dash. I am not your parent. I am not responsible for you. I don’t owe you safety and protection from shit that offends you. And it shows great audacity on your part to come seek me out instead of spending time on blogs that make you happy to complain that you don’t like how I keep my house and foist your unsolicited opinion and judgement on me. 

Honestly, for you own good, I hope you are taking this to heart to cease harassing blogs in the future and potentially doing yourself harm by engaging with content that upsets you. It’s totally 100% fine for you to not like certain ships for whatever reasons you want. You can rail against them all you want on your own blog if that’s how you like to spend your time. By all means, block me if you haven’t already, but knock off the anon bullshit and leave people alone. 

#Anonymous #anti sansan bs #fandom wank

[sugamoonv]

Eighth Member of BTS

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: None, kinda angsty at first maybe??

Notes: This is kind of implied male reader as BigHit only deals with boy groups but I don’t think I used any pronouns so it should be safe for all genders to read

A.N: I’m back!!! I kind of, maybe, went off a little on this so I’m most likely going to make another part to this. If you guys would rather have it be Poly!BTS or delve in specific members, let me know! Love you!!

You’ve been training with BigHit for a little over a year 

You joined BigHit after they held international auditions and you miraculously made it through all rounds

Moving into the dorms and taking classes/lessons was a huge change from your typical school work/ job

The time you usually gave for school/work drastically decreased so you find yourself constantly busy

Your social life basically reduces to interacting with the others in your dorm and talking to your outside friends when you finally have the time

Being a trainee is stressful and the dorms you and the other trainees live in are small since people are constantly coming and going 

Depending on who you are, you either become comfortable expressing your emotions when having a difficult day, or you wait until everyone is asleep or find places you can get a semblance of privacy

You also have to become comfortable and seeing your roommates handle things

You usually have class in the afternoon and come back to the dorm to change and go to dance lesson and on one particular day, you walked in on your roommate sobbing to his parents over the phone because their voice kept cracking during vocal lessons

Trainee lessons take up the majority of the day so you have to reserve the time between you’re finished and when you fall asleep for assignments/outside studying

This time is usually between 1 and 3 a.m, so constant sleep deprivation becomes normal for you

You become a master at taking naps anywhere and at any time of the day possible

Sleep deprivation doesn’t help anyone manage stress in a healthy way and this has lead to your roommates repeatedly getting into serious arguments over boundaries and personal space

Being one of the older members amongst the trainees, this means that you’re called upon a lot to help settle disputes 

So when BigHit tells you that you’re debuting, you couldn’t be happier to move on 

You’re a little curious as to why BigHit is flying you to Korea before they tell you who the other members in your group are but you’ve learned not to question them

Perhaps the other members in your group are the trainees that live in Korea

By now, BTS is BigHit’s top group and has been debuted for a couple years now and has amassed a large fanbase

After working so hard, BigHit finally gave the members of BTS a couple months off

Though they noticed that after the first month and a half, BTS lost a bit of their momentum

They were still one of the largest performers in the world, but with them being on break and not releasing any music, dances, or videos, media somewhat lost interest and focused their attention on relevant celebrity news

To surpass this and keep BTS’s name trending, they made the executive decision to add another member

BigHit figured this would allow them to do more concepts, would change the dynamic/sound of the group's songs, and would ensure fans came back for their next debute to see who the next member was

BTS was made aware of this change but since they’re about to go on vacation, they don’t put much thought into it at first 

Until Namjoon texts the group, because you start trending number one on twitter with BTS after the announcement and of course Namjoon, is on social media 

Of course, your actual identity isn't revealed to the public

They all message their managers to ask about who you are 

Yoongi stalks all of your social media when they’re given your basic information

Jimin finds your Instagram and he lowkey thinks you’re cute but he’s not about to admit that 

Jungkook and Taehyung talk mad shit about you at first, to be honest 

Well, they don’t specifically talk about you, they’re more so angry at you being added because, in their eyes, there’s no need for a new member

Hoseok begins stressing day one because he doesn’t know how much you’ve been taught about their dances

He’s not really looking forward to the idea of having to teach a new person literally all of BTS’s past dances and work on changing the formations so you fit in

Namjoon and Yoongi are curious as to how BigHit is going to fit you during performances since you would only have parts in recent songs 

Also being the main producers of the group, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok don’t know what you sound like, whether you’ll be added to the rap or vocal line

It's basically a whole mess and everyone has to reconfigure

While BTS is on vacation, you’re actually in Korea learning the dances, in the recording studio, and practicing Korean nonstop

The first time BTS meets you is when they go to the dance studio to learn the new dance for their comeback song

You don’t know the dance either so figuratively, you’re all starting in the same place

You choke up when they first walk in

Namjoon and Jin are respectful to you, knowing that this was BigHit’s decision and they have no reason to hold a grudge against you specifically

Hoseok and Jimin remain professional but you can sense how much you being there stresses them out

Taehyung tries to be civil but you repeatedly catch him giving you dirty looks and rolling his eyes whenever you speak

Jungkook straight up ignores you

Not gonna lie, you’re first day meeting them goes awful 

But you already signed a contract with BigHit and your name was put out since BTS was officially back from vacation so no backing out now

It gets lonely real fast

You’re in a new country, the members of your group already have years of bonding over you, and the apartment you’re placed in is gigantic and extremely quiet compared to the dorms back in your home country

The members ease up a little after hearing and seeing you sing and dance and knowing that you can hold your own

Particularly Hoseok and Jimin, once they see you can keep up with them for the most part, they no longer worry about having to take time out of their day to specifically help you

Though this may also be a curse because Hoseok has a bit of a tendency to be harder upon his fellow members with choreography

You get called out/corrected by him SEVERAL times during practice

It isn’t until a couple weeks in when things start looking up for you

Yoongi had for the most part just focused on what needed to be done for the comeback, worrying about producing and perfecting the choreo himself, so he doesn’t really pay much attention to you

Until Yoongi notices it’s starting to become a pattern where you eat by yourself at one end of the room and he and the other members eat together or pair off

He’s pretty sure there have been a couple nights where you’ve pretended you weren’t hungry or made an excuse to eat alone when Jin or Namjoon politely invite you to eat

Jimin has noticed this too and has lightened up since the first day meeting you, but still keeps his distance

After an already long day working, waking up at 4am, Yoongi specifically makes sure that you can’t escape eating lunch with them

Most of them are too hungry to even try to object, not that they really would as you’ve spent enough time with them that they’re all starting to warm up to you 

Jungkook and Taehyung don’t give you looks as much but they’re still not their boisterous selves when you’re around

Hoseok and Jin are in their own world with their own conversation with Namjoon occasionally adding input when taking small breaks from his phone

Yoongi’s the one that really talks to you while you’re all eating

Jimin is honestly a sweetheart so when he sees Yoongi actually asking about your life, he feels guilty and joins in on the conversation

Yoongi finds that you and him actually have quite a few things to bond over

Jimin’s surprised at how funny you actually are

Once you got comfortable in the conversation, you said a few jokes here and there that made Jimin and whoever else listening at least smiles

Neither Jimin or Jungkook are thrilled at how easy is it for you to make Jimin laugh but the blush on Jimin’s cheeks show he doesn’t care about it nearly as much as Jungkook

If anything, this means more competition for Jungkook as you’re already close in age so he might lose the spot of maknae and now he has one more person to fight for attention with

Namjoon and Jin are honestly the most mature ones in the group so they’ve let go of any grudges they had after the first few days upon meeting you

Namjoon’s happy getting to know you at the pace you’re comfortable at, though for the most part, seeing he has to worry less about how to cover up the tension between you and everyone else, lifts a huge weight off his shoulders

He can make an excuse as to why Jungkook or Taehyung may be quiet and trusts them to not actually let their personal feelings ruin an interview/performance

You find out two months into preparing for the comeback that you’re still not allowed in group photos with everyone

You and the other members are doing a small, unannounced appearance and at the end, took a photo with the interviewer/crew members

That is until your manager pulls you from the photo and keeps you to the side where the camera can’t see you

Your name may have been announced but BigHit wants to keep your identity secret for the most part until the comeback stage

Taehyung can’t help but be drawn back to when he was kept hidden as a secret member and recalls exactly how it felt when he was pulled from photos

With this, Taehyung realizes that you haven’t put out any videos/vlives since joining them even though they all have 

This is the final push it takes for Taehyung’s behavior to change towards you

Instead of sticking with Jungkook, he actually starts seeking you out when you guys have small breaks and joins you and whoever else during meals 

At this point, you’re already on a good basis with everyone else and are closest to Yoongi, Jimin, and oddly Hoseok

Hoseok sort of took you under his wing when one night, you asked him for help with the choreo and eventually delved into how you loved dancing as a child

Hoseok thought it was cute the way your eyes lit on when talking about it and saw a bit of himself in you

On one of the rougher days, Taehyung overhears you crying after repeatedly being barred from photos/appearances with the other members 

Taehyung becomes extremely determined from that day to offer unconditional emotional support

Whenever you’re alone, if no one joins you, Taehyung’s right there by your side

If one of the instructors/producers/managers is harsh with you, Taehyung is there to defend you or make you feel better after

If you’re not allowed to take a photo/video with them, Taehyung makes them ten after to store for when you are officially introduced to ARMY

Jungkook only warms up to you after seeing the other members get close to you

He didn’t tell anyone, but he’s secretly happy that there’s another member that’s the same age as him 

Because honestly, having to constantly live up to the name Golden Maknae, is a lot of pressure

He hopes that with you being there, Army may stop expecting so much of him and he’ll have more room to simply be a person in their 20’s

Only when Jungkook gives you a chance, does he find that you can match his chaotic energy

He invites you to the gym a couple times and ends up having fun

Jungkook also invites himself to your’s and Jin’s mukbangs

Jin began having mukbangs specifically for you because you told him how little food you had tried that he had grown up with and took on as a personal mission to introduce to you Korean cuisine

With you, Jin, and Jungkook all in the same room, things sometimes get out of hand and sometimes noodles may or may not be thrown

Jungkook also discovers that he immensely enjoys picking you up

(Because let's be honest, you probably have a muscle kink like Jimin, at least when it comes to Jungkook)

Namjoon finds it hilarious that Jungkook will just pick you up and walk off with you 

Jimin gets a little jealous but he can’t stay mad at you and Jungkook easily finds a balance between you two

Jin’s just happy that Jungkook leaves him alone now that he’s focused on you

On top of being randomly carried around, you also find that the members have practically no personal boundaries with each other

Sure, if someone is upset or wants to be alone, they’re left alone, but when all in one room, your body is fair game to everyone

There’s a lot more ass slapping then you expected to come along with debuting 

Ass slapping, ass grabbing, ass petting?????

And you weirdly learn that everyone is okay with their crotches being touched/touching others’ crotches

Especially Hoseok and Jungkook

You’re no longer lonely either because someone is always cuddling with you

You walk past Jungkook or Taehyung while they’re sitting and they pull you onto to their lap

Jimin will help you stretch and if you’re not required to rehearse, just stays there

Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jin aren’t as openly needy as the hyung line, but if you all have to fit onto a small couch, they’re more than happy to have you be on their lap or be sitting in very close quarters with you 

Yoongi is the one you thought that didn’t actually like cuddling for some time but he never objects when you wrap your arms around his waist, hug him, or literally crawl on top of him when he’s trying to nap

You even one day as a joke, crawled into Yoongi’s lap while he was working in his studio so that you were chest to chest and you had your legs wrapped around him and he simply kept on working

You stayed in that position for so long and Yoongi becomes extremely quiet when focused that you dozed in and out for some time

When Yoongi decided to call it a night, he had to wake you up and you were incredibly sleepy at that point so he just brought you to his apartment since it was closer and safer than you traveling back to yours alone

Newsflash: Yoongi becomes an incredibly big cuddler when unconscious

By the time you perform your comeback stage, BTS is incredibly whipped for you 

Army first makes you number one on trending news when the music video/dance videos are released and you have a few performances

They all can’t help but notice how much the members of BTS love you in the first big interviews aired

You become integrated into Army culture seemingly overnight

Namjoon will show you memes on twitter where a fan may be calling out how handsy Jungkook was with you last interview

Or memes of Namjoon or Hoseok getting angry at members but when you do something, they’ll automatically let you off the hook and coddle you 

Memes of how you’re just another hot person that Jimin’s collected

You’re shocked that so many fans actually like you and accept you because you were incredibly nervous that  you would become hated for joining the group

Of course, there are still fans that are extremely protective of the boys or simply don’t agree with the group dynamic being changed, and so they come after you

For a little while, BigHit has to up security because some fans are so put off that they actually write you death threats

Hoseok and Jimin are the first ones to help you when you have a panic attack or get overwhelmed by fan presence as Hoseok has had panic attacks and Jimin’s dealt with death threats as well

Taehyung, of course, is quick to help right after them

Taehyung and Jungkook have had bad experiences being chased/mobbed by fans so they always stay close by you in airports/entering buildings/and any other place that attracts large enough groups they need security

Namjoon is incredibly grateful for you joining though, especially after the comeback because you’re able to help with translations for the members that still struggle with English

Jungkook has been dedicating to learning the language and for the most part, doesn’t need your help but he’ll still come to you to practice having conversations in English

Jimin also likes to play this fun game with you, Namjoon, and technically Jungkook since he’s able to translate if he wants, where he’ll say extremely flirty things and watches you and Namjoon squirm for a couple minutes because he knows you can’t translate what he actually said in an interview

Luckily he only does this for interviews that aren’t aired on tv and are made easily rewindable by Army

Yoongi and Hoseok have a field day with Jimin’s game too

Yoongi and Hoseok will just laugh when Jimin says something but once all cameras are off, they’ll repeat Jimin’s pick up lines to you and Namjoon leaving both of you a blushing mess

Yoongi does the same thing too in a way but instead of flirting, he’ll just say something inappropriate

He tries to tell younger Army constantly that things like stealing and dropping out of school are okay

Which huge ass nerd Namjoon quickly cuts him off

Yoongi and Jimin honestly feed into each other while doing this

Sometimes you and Jungkook team up on teasing Hoseok, using complicated English words and laughing when Hoseok pretends to know what you guys are saying even though everyone knows he doesn’t 

Y’all will continue to do this until someone else calls Hoseok out

But it's all in good fun so no one actually gets upset

Overall, you being added to BTS went much better than you were expecting and you’ve grown so close to the boys that none of you can no longer imagine the group having any less than eight members

Permanent Tag List: @eshika0102​ / @detectivebourbon / @omgsuperstarg​ / @luna-xial​ / @strawberry-leche / @yoongiismytruelove​

#bts headcanons #eighth member of bts #bts x reader #bts x reader headcanon #bts x male reader #bts x gn #bts x gender neutral reader #bts x trainee reader #trainee reader #namjoon x reader #jin x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader #hoseok x reader #jungkook x reader #namjoon x male reader #jin x male reader #jungkook x male reader #hoseok x male reader #taehyung x male reader #jimin x male reader #yoongi x reader #yoongi x male reader #poly bts x reader #poly bts x male reader #poly bts x gender neutral reader #namjoon x gender neutral reader #jin x gender neutral reader #jungkook x gender neutral reader #hoseok x gender neutral reader

[bookish-mbti]

Some Frasier MBTI types

Scott has gotten me into watching Frasier and these characters are satisfyingly typable, so I wanted to make a post elaborating on the MBTI types of the Crane brothers.

Frasier Crane | ENFJ

Frasier’s functional stack is easily readable and because of it, he is a fantastic example of an ENFJ. The outer world and social structures are what defines Frasier’s reality.

Frasier exists in the outer world of established external structures, measurements of value, and social status. He appreciates things that can be thought of as impressive based on external reference, even such as the items he so values in his apartment: “This lamp by Corbusier, the chair by Eames, and this couch is an exact replica of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.” He likes things that are socially recognized to be impressive or renowned.

ENFJs also use auxiliary Ni, and as such, Frasier is very insightful and thrives when guiding individuals towards their best path and potential. His radio show allows him to do this on a broader scale with a wider audience, while also allowing him to fulfill his role in a way noticeable externally within the societal structure he values. Fe-Ni tends to work with groups of people such as a classroom as a teacher, and in Frasier’s case, it is his radio show.

Se is tertiary in Frasier. ENJs, though they are not Se dominant, are often very action-based. This advice from Frasier, in my opinion, exemplifies healthy use of an ENFJ’s functions: “Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of... hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn’t working anymore, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. I took action. And you can, too. Move, change, do something; if it’s a mistake, do something else.”

Tertiary Se is more noticeable than inferior and ENJs may score surprisingly high on Se, caught between their penchant for deriving meaning and passion for making their dreams realities.

Frasier is sensitive to criticism, which comes from inferior Ti. When he is criticized in a column in the Times with the simple statement “I hate Frasier Crane,” he can’t help but feel as though it is an unwarranted personal attack. Ti is a function based in impartial analysis and criticism of structures or methods, completely independent of people and in conflict with an Extraverted Feeling approach.

Further, after he is sold a false piece of artwork, he is infuriated by the injustice, the blatant lack of regard for ethics. His idealism that people are good, respectful, and care for the well-being of others (Fe-Ni) is shattered. He keeps grasping for some way others and systems may help him—first through calling the police, and then by considering hiring a lawyer. When both Martin and Niles say it isn’t worth it and when Martin tells him that sometimes bad things happen in life and there’s nothing you can do, Frasier has immense trouble coping with the concept. Feeling dominants often run into conflict with the approaches of the Thinking functions, which they perceive to be cold, heartless, and, in the more extreme, immoral.

Another characteristic of Frasier’s inferior Ti can be seen in the second episode, when he is still adjusting to his father and Daphne moving in with him. In the case of an inferior Ti eruption episode, Fe dominants become uncharacteristically cold and withdrawn. In this episode, Frasier is perturbed by all of the ways Martin and Daphne have infiltrated the life he worked to build for himself. He is uncharacteristically in a bad mood, seeking solitude, and short with understanding; his tertiary Se is used defensively to defend his uncharacteristic, self-based need for solitude by saying that since the situation isn’t working out now in the present moment, then there is no hope of it getting better and he should change something about it.

Niles Crane | INFJ

Niles’ function stack is also one that is very readable and makes him a great example of an INFJ.

While he is similar to his older brother, there are some distinct differences. Where Frasier’s typical impulse is to seek out others and talk to them, in need of feedback, Niles is more private and withdrawn, mulling over things internally before externally voicing a conclusion. Where Frasier thrives navigating the social world and being a prominent face in the community, Niles considers his radio show “pop psychiatry” and values a more typical setting where he can see patients one-on-one rather than seeking a broad audience and outward recognition. This is not to say that Extraversion and Introversion have to do with sociability or ability to perform in front of an audience—Niles frequently holds group therapy sessions and workshops etc.—but than IFJs and EFJs tend to differ in their natural preferences. EFJs like to immerse themselves actively in a society and have engagement and involvement. IFJs don’t require this external feedback or engagement, and many times like to help others in more controlled, individual sessions.

One example Niles’ Ni is evident is after he and Frasier see their father having dinner with an old family acquaintance. They remember that her family used to be close to theirs until one summer they had a falling out and were no longer acquainted. The next day, Niles arrives at Frasier’s apartment and announces he had been doing some thinking, wondering why their father was with that woman, so he dug up his old childhood journal and an old photo album their late mother had put together. In the journal around the time they remembered the family friends having a falling out, Niles had written that he had seen his father and her in each other’s arms. In the photo album photos from that summer, there were multiple photos with a woman cut out of them. With these things brought to attention, Niles suggests a theory that their father had an affair. This is Ni—seeing something, mulling it over, connecting separate pieces, and arriving at a conclusion. Frasier first strikes down the accusation, saying there isn’t enough evidence. Again, this is Niles’ Ni—the connections he has made are based on internal thought processes, not totally tangible, but make sense in his linear internal logical deductions based on a couple of pieces of evidence. Ni can derive insight and theory based on minimal things in reality and is not dependent exclusively on what is experienced through the senses.

Another example of Niles’ being his type, and perhaps a good example of how INFJs tend to offer advice in general, can be seen in this conversation between him and Frasier in episode 2.

Frasier: Niles, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Dad and I had another fight. I’m afraid if we stay under the same roof together we’ll do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.

Niles: Well, what are the alternatives?

Frasier: Well, if I didn’t feel so guilty I’d, I’d do what I should have done in the first place: just move dad and Daphne into their own apartment.

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier. It hasn’t been that long, you have to give it a chance. And you might remember why you moved him in in the first place.

Frasier: Refresh me.

Niles: You wanted to get closer to dad.

Frasier: I still do. There isn’t anything I’d like more, but he makes it impossible. I can’t read my book, I can’t have my coffee, I can’t have any peace in my own home.

Niles: So what you’re saying is, you want to be closer to dad, but you don’t actually want him around. Ask yourself Frasier, have you tried to sit down and talk to him—I mean, really talk to him?

Frasier: Well, I... Maybe I haven’t done my best. I guess I owe that to the old man, don’t I? Well, ah, thanks for the chat, Niles. You’re a good brother, and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

Niles’ dominant Ni urges Frasier to see past the interpersonal rifts and down to the heart of what matters most, which was Frasier’s original goal: to become closer to his father. Conflict that seems unsolvable through talking it out is a trigger to Fe dominants, and as such, it was hard for Frasier to see past it. Niles’ Ni reminds him of the goal despite this conflict, as Ni as a dominant function is more zoomed out and big-picture; while Niles too uses Fe and is people-focused, he primarily views the world through Ni, which sees things outside of the framework of relationships, whereas Frasier’s dominant Fe was stuck seeing only the relationships and the conflict within them and he forgot the original goal. Additionally, Niles’ use of Ni prompts Frasier to point his own auxiliary Ni at himself and remind himself of his personal responsibility and purpose to the situation with his father.

Niles’ inferior Se is noticed more comically, such as how he doesn’t remember meeting Roz even after he has met her multiple times, nor does he remember where they met. Ni is a very internally-based function, and with inferior Sensation, Ni dominants can have trouble recalling concrete information about their surroundings or people they come into contact with in the external world. Another example of an INJ’s inferior Se can be seen when Niles is gripping shortly after his divorce. He begins to date someone completely opposite from his normal temperament and is impulsive, spontaneous, and doesn’t give any deep thought to his actions or the purpose for these actions. He stays out all night, drinks more, plans a trip with his new girlfriend to another country. It is all very out of character for him, which happens when an INJ is gripping—usually notoriously inert and cerebrally-based, they become active and spontaneous in the outer world, over-indulging in sensory activities.

#Frasier #Niles #MBTI #ENFJ #INFJ #Ni #Fe #Ni-Fe #Fe-Ni #Frasier Crane #Niles Crane #Frasier MBTI

[liam-cadmus]

Shikamaru squints at the small amount of papers he still needs to do, thumb pressing against his temple as he sighs out. The action doesn’t lessen the throbbing, but it makes him focus somewhat, eyes clearing and sleepiness wavering. 

He stretches his arms above his head, exhaling when the muscles cramped up stretches, smiling when an audible pop sounds from his shoulder blades. His fingers twitch, the feeling of a tab on his finger sounds tempting, but not really healthy, he knows. He just sighs longingly, pushing his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose. He could stand a few hours, after all, he only just had one a few hours before.

He turns his gaze back to the stack of papers, the artificial light of the lamp making the white paper appear yellowish. The blankets behind him move, hearing quiet breathing as his lover changes sleeping positions, the sound making him feel oddly domestic. He knows he’s gonna get worried over tomorrow, when Sasuke inevitably finds out that he stayed up late. 

He returns his attention to the last stack, about two to three pages of the contract, just needing his proof reading and signatures. After that, he can finally let sleep drag him over. 

He’s half-way through the last page when he notices the more active movement behind him, making him sense the chakra momentarily. The movement is a bit frantic, thrashing, he realizes, and the previous warm, prickly and soothing chakra is crackling, all over the place and disturbed.

He signs the last line before pushing himself off his desk, socks thudding silently on the carpeted floor as he walks beside the bed.

He gently pulls the blanket off Sasuke, knowing that it restricts his legs, and could possible hurt himself, both of which would make whatever he's remembering about worse. He makes no effort to pin Sasuke down, knowing that it makes him go under a panic attack.

He knows that even if he avoids doing any of that, Sasuke will still wake up screaming, trembling. But that doesn't mean he won't be there to comfort him, doesn't stop him from staying awake until he falls asleep again, never stops him from trying to soothe him even if he's asleep.

He hopes, that even if it doesn't stop Sasuke from waking up terrified, that his presence is enough for Sasuke to know that he's there. That his hand going through the onyx locks dampens the terror Sasuke is experiencing, or that his gentle humming is heard over whatever haunts him.

Sasuke always has been his safe place, the stoic Uchiha warming a place in his heart. He thought he would only ever get an average life when he grows up, but he received exceptionally more.

The Elemental Nations are missing out, he realizes, when they whisper about how arrogant and cold the 'Last Uchiha' or the 'Traitor' is. Sometimes all he wants to do is lash out and rage, wanting to manhandle their heads until they actually look, to see the man underneath it all.

But at the same time he's grateful. That no one else was able to see this side of Sasuke, of his Sasuke, that he was the one trusted by the man enough that he's letting his walls down.

Being around him made him learn that he has a lot of patience, even though he's so very lazy about everything around him. That he could wait until Sasuke seeks him out, that he could- would wait until the other man is comfortable with him.

He found a kind, selfless person underneath all the torment. The gentle, quiet, understanding man that isn't shown to the surface. The boy who's so very guilt ridden, one that strives to be forgiven in the eyes of others. He sees the man who struggled to carry the burden of the world on his shoulders, who just accepts whatever words are thrown at him, the man who thinks whatever they say about him is correct.

The Uchiha that he has seen, is the one who cares ever so deeply for others. The one that would let anyone talk down on him, insult him, but whenever it's done to someone he loves, he'll fight back to prove them wrong. The man who's usually confident but struggles seeing his own self-worth.

The one who cups his cheeks lovingly, ever so gently, like he's fragile, with his scar-ridden, rough hands.

He knows Sasuke. And he loves him so damn much that words cannot even imagine, that a genius like him will struggle to find the words to explain how. The only man that leaves him unable to speak coherent words, makes him a stuttering, flustered mess, sometimes even rendering him speechless.

He pushes his lover's bangs out of his face, thumbs swiping the sweat building up on his forehead, gently coaxing Sasuke awake. He softly calls for his name, his other palm rubbing up and down his arm in comfort.

"Sasuke? It's a nightmare." He says to the quiet of the rooming, listening to the fast intake of breath. He calls for him again, before seeing the tell tales signs of the other waking up.

He removes his hands, when Sasuke's forehead creases, nose twitching upwards in an endearing way before he sits up, scream stuck in his throat.

He stays seated by the edge of the bed, making sure that he's in Sasuke's field of vision, hands not touching him, so that he doesn't get startled.

Sasuke's Rinne-Sharingan looks around the room as he regains his breathing, before his gaze trains on his lover. Shikamaru's gentle murmuring finally registers when the rushing of air in his ears subsides.

"Quite a nightmare you got there, are you okay with touching?" He asks, offering his hands to his frazzled lover. "Mmh." was Sasuke's tired response, ivory hands clasping over tanner ones.

Shikamaru lets himself be moved to position, laughing quietly when his glasses are removed with an annoyed glare, that only looked harmless than threatening. His mouth quirks to a smile, when Sasuke's breathing returns to normal.

Arms tighten around his shoulders as he shuffles, his head pillowed on Sasuke's shoulder, Sasuke tangling their legs together. He listens to Sasuke breathing his hair, making him swat at his chest, annoyed.

"Sorry for waking you up, but I doubt you were asleep in the first place." Sasuke mumbles, but the intent was there. "Hush, you don't need to apologize for having nightmares. How many times have I told you?"

Sasuke mumbles something, the whisper muffled, making him tilt his head up, "What was that?"

"Thank you anyways." Sasuke says quietly, making him huff in amusement.

"What was that again? I didn't hear you." he questions, hoping that his voice doesn't sound too teasing.

Sasuke's deadpan expression makes it obvious that it didn't work, but his lover's lips twitch regardless. "I said thank you, love." he says it clearer, louder, directly staring at his eyes.

"You're always welcome. You can wake me up even if I haven't slept in days and I will never blame you for that, understand?" He receives a nod, before he moves up to kiss him, grazing his lips to the corner before settling back down.

He hears a contented noise rumbling from where his ear is pressed, while Sasuke moves closer to him.

"Anyways, what're you doing up so late?" Sasuke asks, confusion evident in his tone. "You said you'll only be staying up for two hours." the man grumbles to his ear.

"Paperwork." he yawns, waving his concern off. "Shika," Sasuke dragged the word in a worried tone, "You've been tirelessly doing said paperwork for a week now. It's friday," Sasuke reasoned.

"No, actually it's Saturday." he absently gestures to the clock on the bedside table, the 4:56 in a stark red color against the black background. Sasuke sighs, "You overwork yourself. I'd talk to that idiot for giving you too much paperwork."

Shikamaru rolls his eyes, patting his lover's arm, "That was due next week, Naruto didn't force me to do them." he explains, while the Uchiha moves a bit so that his arm settles comfortably.

"Then why did you do it?" The very confused tone would be amusing, if he wasn't so sleepy. He imagines Sasuke slowly blinking his eyes, blushing with a small smile, and decides it was one that he wanted a picture of. "Wanted to spend some more time with you, it's been too long, been too busy." he drowsily answers, eyes drooping after staying up so long.

"I'm sure it was very troublesome, I appreciate you for doing that, dear." Sasuke whispers to his temple, nuzzling his hair. "It was..trouble..some."

Shikamaru wants to stay up, fighting against his consciousness but sleep is pulling him under, warm and secure in Sasuke's embrace.

The last things he hears is, "Sleep, Shi, I'm right here."

"We still have forever to spend time on, just rest for now." Part 2 | Sasuke

#sasuke uchiha #uchiha sasuke #shikamaru nara #nara shikamaru #shikasasu #sasushika #sasuke #shikamaru #sasuke x shikamaru #shikamaru x sasuke #they're so very in love #shikamaru fell in deep #shikamaru's sappy as fuck #a bit ooc #sorry #they're too precious #late night #cuddles #nightmares #comfort #i might make a shikamaru one with sasuke's pov #boundaries #shikamaru's very perceptive and thoughtful #two arms sasuke

[rachnerds]

A Good Fit

Headcanon for Miranda/Liara after Shepard dies. This is based on the ending to my run of Mass Effect and my Shepard.

Her gloved hand massages her own forehead as she attempts to rifle through data. She's been collecting almost everything she can for almost a year. It was her own project - none of her agents were assigned to assist. It was a personal project that she was able to justify using her resources for. She was the Shadow Broker. The only person who would know was her.

"Perhaps it may be time for a break from your information gathering, Shadow Broker." A VI appears, chirping innocently as a VI does. It hums quietly and spins methodically in Liara's periphery.

"Goddess," she remarks in a breathy, surprised tone. "I suppose you may be right." She takes a deep sigh. She takes a quick glance at the picture sitting on her desk. Shepard's blue eyes pierce into hers and grief floods her. How she misses the Commander, even after almost a full year. "Yes, Glyph. A short break would suit me well." She places a hand atop the frame for a moment, and after hesitating, flips it on its face. She needed a break from Shepard's gaze, too.

Her office is situated on The Normandy still. She dislikes the post because it reminds her of Shepard, but beyond that, she doesn't have any other reason to be discontent. The crew is familiar; made up of her friends even. Most had survived the Reaper war, and so they have each other to depend on.

She wanders slowly and aimlessly down the hallway before she's visible to those in the mess hall. Only a few linger, as it's the middle of their sleep cycle. One is a crew member she admittedly doesn't know outside of the intel she's acquired on her own (which she has for everyone on the crew). But the other is someone she knows quite well: Miranda Lawson, the Normandy's former but reinstated XO.

Miranda studies her tea as she hears Liara shuffle in. Her eyes flicker to the slow moving Asari, which brings a smile to her face. It's small, and Liara wouldn't notice it, but it forms for a moment. "Lost, doctor?" Miranda says, grabbing the attention of the information broker who finds Miranda and offers a smile, both genuine and social in nature.

"It feels that way at times," Liara replies in a breathy tone, "though I'll admit it's my thoughts that leave me feeling lost moreso than my geography." She moves to the table in which Miranda sits, taking the conversation as invitation to join her. "Between you and me, I wasn't even aware of the time before deciding to stumble out of my office."

Miranda watches the tea in her cup swirl, a gentle cloud of steam hovers just above it. "I'm no doctor myself T'Soni, but I think one would tell you to ensure you're obtaining healthy amounts of sleep." Another grin forms and she leans in across the table, "It doesn't seem like you're doing that." She nags in a playful whisper.

Liara lets out an appreciative chuckle as she leans back in her chair, crossing one leg over the other. "You sound like Shepard." An eyebrow perks and her heart flutters, thinking back to her bondmate fondly. Miranda can see and feel the grief. It's something she's been experiencing too.

Perhaps overcome with sleep, Liara talks more than she normally would. Before she knows it, words tumble out. "At the very end, in our base in London, the Commander and I shared time together. She knew, well," Liara pauses, reflecting on the moment. "she knew she wouldn't, couldn't, survive, and she told me to seek comfort and safety in the friends we had surrounded ourselves with." Her eyes connect with Miranda's, and she feels nervousness she hadn't ever felt before in Miranda's presence. Even despite all the interactions they'd preciously shared. "She told me specifically to...turn to you." Her head shakes left to right as though to brush off the comment, but when she finds Miranda's attention again, she sees that the statement was taken as anything but casual.

Miranda had straightened up while Liara had been speaking. Her expression is solemn and serious. She holds Liara's eyes intently. "Shepard told me something similar. Different, but the same." Her words are curt and short as though she's holding back some emotion she doesn't want Liara to see. "Maybe we should talk about this at another time, when we both aren't so tired." Liara watches as Miranda stands, obviously struck by their conversation. Liara stands too, feeling as though she could offer some comfort to Miranda in response to the admittance she's just made.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Lawson, if I've upset you-." A gloved hand silences her as it's raised from across the way.

"You haven't, Liara." Miranda says truthfully, her stomach tying into a knot. "Invite me to your office another time and we'll talk about what Shepard said, and what she meant." She holds Liara's blue eyes in hers for a moment before offering a nod, leaving the former archaeologist alone in the mess hall.

She admittedly misses her once office, now inhabited by the Asari she just left in the mess hall. The Asari Shepard had told Miranda to watch out for and be there for. The Commander, in her way, hadn't said much more than that, but Miranda had an idea of what she had meant.

In their time together working for Cerberus, Miranda and Shepard had grown close. Miranda was adamant about the other woman staying loyal to Dr. T'Soni. She knew Shepard would never forgive herself for both hurting Liara by being with Miranda and conversely, hurting Miranda by returning to Liara. Miranda smiles at the conversation they had shared, the one that ultimately sealed Miranda off to Shepard. She grimaces for a moment, not allowing herself to feel regret.

She reflects back to the time before she had brought Shepard back. The naive archaeologist had found her way to Cerberus and to her; Miranda was foolish then for her loyalties, but it had brought T'Soni to her. She takes a heavy breath while remembering.

Miranda made sure that Shepard stayed loyal to Liara because Miranda knew, intimately, the type of partner Liara was. It had always been casual between them. They used each other as a way to release energy, and anger, and fear. Miranda was rigid and guarded. Less so now, but certainly back then. Liara had been soft and looking for an interaction she could connect to. Miranda fit the bill, and Liara, Miranda's.

If Shepard knew about their time together, she never mentioned it to Miranda. But in the tone of one of their final conversations, the one about being there for Liara in her absence, Miranda had a feeling she knew. She didn't ask, it wasn't her place, but she took Shepard's words as meaning "if I can't be with Liara, you should be."

#miranda lawson #liara t'soni #fanfic #mass effect #miranda/liara #liara/miranda

[sammy-in-sweaters]

Mighty Nein Enneagram Part 8

I haven’t seen it anywhere else here, so I’m gonna take a whack at it!

Disclaimer: this is totally just my idea for each character, and if anyone wants to talk about different vibes they get from certain characters, feel free to start a conversation!

Yasha Nyoordin: 9w8

Now, I know a lot of people type Yasha as an 8, but there is a challenging, intense energy that 8s have that she just does not have. Her anger is present, obviously, but it is subdued and highly controlled until she allows it into battle when she rages. For this reason, for her peaceful, even avoidant nature, I think she is a 9w8. Her wing 8 clearly shows through when she rages, of course, and with this 8 wing she fluctuates between passivity and confrontation. She is also assertive and anti-authoritarian in a way that a 9w1 doesn’t line up with.

A Nine’s core fear is of loss and separation. Yasha has lost a lot in her life, and been separated from those she loves so many times. Zuala, Molly, the period she was controlled by Obann, to name a few. She has lost those close to her, and every time it hits her especially hard.

Their core desire is to have inner stability and ‘peace of mind’. With her inner turmoil with her anger vs her passivity, as well as her struggle with figuring out her past and who she is, she is constantly striving for a deeper sense of meaning and a dependable, quiet inner world.

When a Nine falls into stress/disintegration, they become cynical and anxious like unhealthy sixes. But when in growth/integration, normally ‘back-seat’ Nines become more active and goal-oriented like healthy Threes.

Yasha doesn’t like being the center of attention, and rarely speaks up. There’s also a distinct avoidance of any sort of ‘rocking of the boat’, as well as an avoidance of many things in general. She tends to leave when things get stressful or difficult, which is extremely typical of a Nine.

9w8s are especially known for avoiding difficult situations, minimizing emotional issues (her extreme reluctance to talk about herself), and a tendency to come across as blunt or stubborn. However, they can also be encouraging, able to adapt to new ideas, and see multiple sides in a situation. They are the most challenged and stressed when they are forced to make major personal decisions, when they feel controlled or restricted by others, and when they feel overlooked or disregarded.

As the Enneagram Institute says, “More than any other type, Nines demonstrate the tendency to run away from the paradoxes and tensions of life by attempting to transcend them or by seeking to find simple and painless solutions to their problems.”

They also mention “being awake versus falling asleep to our true nature”. Yasha’s biggest journey is to face who she is and how she got here, reconciling with the world and all of its challenges, even if they do end in heartbreak. In the end, she cannot stay in the back-seat forever.

So that’s the end of the series, wow. Let me know what you guys think, and thanks for sticking around. Check out the other Mighty Nein Enneagram posts I’ve made!

#critical role #critical role enneagram #enneagram #mighty nein #mighty nein enneagram #yasha #yasha critical role #yasha nydoorin #yasha enneagram #enneagram type 9 #enneagram 9 #9w8 #part 8 of 8

[dropsofletters]

risk another goodbye

title: risk another goodbye pairing: chae hyungwon/reader genre: ex!au/strangers to lovers!au/app!au summary: Her phone recommends her this app to help others break up with their partner, and it sounds absolutely like the worst idea she could ever have, but it’s the most interesting one at the moment. The problem starts when she breaks up with a guy on behalf of his girlfriend only to realize that he is not bad looking and he’s pretty funny…she wonders, though, how could someone break up with Chae Hyungwon? type: angst/fluff/romance/humor word count: 16,257 disclaimer: this is part of my august special called ‘the anti-love club’. each story can be read individually, however, you’d be getting a little bit more of backstory along with some easter eggs if you read each of them, as well as helping me with support. the masterlist can be found here.

The collision of sunrays against her hair, long flowery dress and her moving lips should be bright—it should make her feel nourished, but instead, with each moment that passes with a tight smile on her face and her hands frantically moving to push her subject across, she knows no amount of sunshine could brighten the faces of the teenagers in front of her. Uninterested, they clearly are, some looking down at their hidden phones, others simply nodding at whatever she says and when she asks for answers to specific motivational questions, ones that she had learned in her few years in the field, the replies are short. This shouldn’t make her fidgety—more than usual—but to be unheard is one of the feelings that she still doesn’t get used to when she is supposed to be motivating these high school seniors to be the best version of themselves.

But who really is the best version of themselves? Not even herself, a whole motivational speaker.

Normally, she likes to believe she is a happy person. Somewhat smiley, likes getting out of the bed and meet up with someone of her preference simply to feel like she is alive, finds comfort in people and in her atmosphere—her job, in which she always has to look at the positive, not giving herself the time to think about the negatives in her life. Breathing should be enough, being healthy should be enough, but sometimes she seeks for something else. A new look, maybe, perhaps a new outlook in life, something that is not talking all the time but actually listening. Sometimes, she’d rather have the world go quiet, slower, much unlike what she seeks for in her daily life. Always fidgety, jumping at her feet, blaming herself if being too lazy and moving on to the next person to motivate. If she could do it, anyone else could.

Do what exactly? She has no idea. Perhaps, have a job that she likes, heels clicking on the flooring as she grabs a few students and makes them trust one another. Ah, that—she has friends that she can trust, and perhaps a rent that gets paid, some student loans that eventually will disappear into the thin distance if she keeps this going, working in making people better. She doesn’t have a car, but she has the will to move back from whenever she is to her home and she has warm food in her stomach most of the time. What she doesn’t have, however, is that energy that usually comes from beneath her, and while her limbs are moving the majority of the time, hating nothing more than to be still, and it is all thanks to…a break-up.

Yes, the motivational speaker, endlessly happy woman that is telling students to seek for nothing more than the brightness beneath themselves had broken up with her boyfriend of seven years not too long ago. Three weeks, four days, seven hours…probably twenty minutes.

Sometimes, she’d rather have the will inside of her to not smile, to frown and tell all these people that no one has it figured out. That no one, no enthusiastic person, can take away their opportunity of living their lives without always being optimistic—sadness shall be felt, cured, kissed until it healed, it shall be a badge to be proud of when it’s done for instead of being pushed into the back of someone’s head, but that is exactly what she does. Three weeks, four days, seven hours, twenty-one minutes, this relationship doesn’t have to matter.

At some point, the talk is over. She has given enough bullshit for these guys, with quotes from people who also didn’t have anything sorted out in their lives, for it to be over. Almost like a balloon deflating at the sound of the recess bell, she lets the breath she was holding let go on her chest, the threads and knots on her lungs suddenly popping open, hands going towards the desk of the teacher on charge at the moment—the literature teacher, to be exact, one that she knows perfectly well and that immediately rests her palm on the expanse of her back.

“I told you not to do this.”

Moving, she always is, so the position changes rapidly, fingers fidgety as she speaks. “Seola, I’m fine.” She tells her, as always making it seem like everything is sorted out. That’s what heroes do, they put on their capes and have the world relying on the fact that they’d never be weakened. The woman with the short hair and similarly short height shook her head at her antics. “It’s just the lack of response—that’s all. I spoke and spoke and spoke, no one paid attention. It’s okay, this happens—”

Seola interrupts her by pushing a water bottle towards her hands, rolling her eyes at her hyperactive friend’s antics. “You know it’s not,” Seola says, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You don’t care if some students don’t pay attention to you. You love talking all this psychology stuff and how much optimism has changed your life.” The tone of her friend’s voice downs her into a reality that she has been trying to avoid. Three weeks, four days. Three weeks, four days. Three weeks and four days without him. Optimism has been long gone, knowing to the best of her abilities that if the person that had stayed with her for seven years was unable to make it work with her, then she could not even last in any other relationship. “Really, there’s nothing wrong in accepting you’re not seeing the bright side of things for once. Talk to me.”

It’s in the way that she speaks, Seola, that shows exactly that she has a nice group of friends, a nice life…things that she should be grateful of. Even a nice boss, for all heaven’s sake, and she still has the right to complain about some break-up. “It’s nothing.”

“Hey—”

“It’s nothing.”

Seola’s patience runs short, clear as day, when she takes her by the wrist and lowers her to look into her eyes. The monotone voice of hers speaking nicely, even through her clear distress. “Breaking up with Tsubasa is exactly what needed to happen. Your relationship was toxic since years ago, you’d take breaks and then get back together, only to break up again. You two were tied down into getting back to the same routine, that would kill any kind of relationship.” The death of hers had hit her like a ton of bricks, knowingly so, and she had been the one to break it off. In between an argument, sure, and possibly thinking of all these motivational speeches about ‘letting go of the bad to look for something better’, and she had uttered it in a yell. The words still repeat in her head: I want to break up with you and never see you again. “…I get why you’re heartbroken because you spent seven years of your life with him, but he’s…not even that much of a guy to cry about.”

Cry, oh, she doesn’t think she has even let herself do such a thing. Restrained, positive, as she should be, she simply has continued on with her life as if nothing had happened. Cleaning her apartment spotless, making sure that there will never be a sign of her relationship, of the kisses or the fights, of the happiness and the disappointment alike. “I haven’t cried about him,” She states, wanting to make clear that this is no reason for her to be sad. “Seola, I mean it, I’m just…getting used to it, that’s all. Since I don’t have that constant responsibility by my side, I’m feeling a bit empty, that’s all.”

The woman in question fixes the rounded glasses on her face. “Are you sure about that?”

She nods rapidly, but not in a rush. “Of course. Nothing that can’t be filled with a girl’s night.”

The serious Seola seems to perk up at that, probably a bit freer now that graduation was approaching for her students and grading tests has become less of her priorities. “I really need one of those, too.” She speaks softly, letting out a chuckle as she helps the woman clean up her materials before she has to leave. “Do you think you can make it tonight? Our entire group should reunite in your apartment in celebration of your break-up.”

Celebration. That’s what it should be to finally be set free of an uptight relationship with none other than the man that had probably quickened the stage of getting white hairs in her life. “…I’ve got nothing to do, of course I can make it tonight.”

“Good,” Seola says, now nearing her to speak in a whisper. “I’d kill for some beers right now. This year’s class has been a headache.”

She laughs at that, cradling her textbooks near her chest before tilting her head to the side. “In any other occasion I would have told you that you always get headaches, but this group really is difficult.”

“So, beers?”

“Yeah, I could buy a few, you can pay me back for it later.”

“Excellent.”

Hours later, the sound of two of your friends huffing on the floor, drunken beyond reparation at this point, but still working out incessantly is the least of her worries. Seola and Miwoo are the ones doing push-ups on her flooring, possibly shouting the numbers louder than they should, probably on the verge of having her neighbors call her out for the noise. Doah, however, the least drunk of her friends, is now waiting for an application to stop downloading on her phone—she asked for it and she had given her to Doah, far more preoccupied on the root beer she had grabbed on her way to buying alcohol, looking at it swirling on the bottle she has been sipping on for the past half hour, thoughts loud even when she is accompanied.

She should be happy, thankful even, that her friends have stayed with her through thick and thin. That Miwoo, even when she is a well-known personal trainer, stays with her, the same goes for Seola and Doah, but that is far from the point. The expectations of having her life be bright at all times had made her feel sulky, almost like she can’t get out from this low of her current life. Sip, sigh. Those are the two actions that she has been doing while her friends are having fun and while two of them are too far gone to even notice how heartbroken she is, Doah’s fingers are gliding through her hair, playing with the ends, wanting nothing more than for her sighs to subside or change for relaxed breathing.

She’s alive, that should be enough of an excuse to smile…and she has been alive for the past seven years.

While does it feel like a part of her left, the moment she kicked Tsubasa out of their apartment?

A hundred percent, downloading. That’s what the screen reads when she gives a glimpse towards it, suddenly aware that Doah has stopped playing with her hair and is now looking at the screen with a smile. “Ladies, I’ve found an activity for us to do that doesn’t include getting abs.” She says with glee, Seola showing her gratitude while trying to push Miwoo away from her feet, kneeling down to keep her in place while doing some exercises.

“Thank God, I was about to die.” Seola announces, pushing Miwoo off her body before rushing towards the couch. Happiness, she feels like…though in a small gleam of a shooting star, brief, when Seola’s sweaty hands place themselves on her knees, cheek resting against her thighs as she tries to look at the screen of her phone in Doah’s hands. Miwoo follows soon after, not sweating quite as much as Seola is.

“W—What—?” A hiccup, probably coming from her drunkenness and what characterizes her as her ‘too-much’ gene. “What are we going to do?”

Doah fixes her stance, her black hair tied behind her head with a bun, patting the few baby hairs on the edges to settle them. Settled, just exactly what Doah is, in love with a man that adores her equally, that doesn’t mind a few nights out with her friends, that kisses the ring on her finger whenever they are holding hands and laughs too loudly at their jokes. Maybe, Doah is one of those lucky people who just have everything in life or…she just deserved it. Soft heart, realistic nature, seriousness, all things that describe her. “So, since the youngest of our team has been going through a tough break-up and questioning everything that has to do with life.”

Okay, so perhaps she should have gone for a beer instead of simplistic root beer. “That’s not the case.”

“It is.” Miwoo points out in a slur before nodding towards Doah. “What’s the plan? Strippers?”

“No.” Doah scrunches up her nose with a laugh before showing the screen to all the three women in front of her. “Break Them Up.” She reads, her phone showcasing an application much like a dating one, instantly showing bars to complete with matters such as name, age, ubication and such. “It’s an app my husband took part of. Basically, it has the mindset of a dating app but what makes it different is that people post pictures of their special someone or pictures of them as a couple and lists the other person’s phone number and the reason as to why they want to break up with them, and it’s up to you to break them up. If you fulfill the mission, you get more points—”

“And you break someone’s heart.” Seola says. “That’s just…mean.”

“It’s life.” Doah finishes, shrugging her shoulders. “Besides, it’d teach her that all people can go through a break-up, and some of them can be even messier than hers.”

Miwoo, preoccupied even when she is drunk, takes a seat on the couch with a huff before looking at her. She hates this, being pitied, as if a part of her had died and they are looking for a way to tell her that she is just a mere ghost now. “Do you want to try it?”

Snatching her phone away from Doah’s grasp, she clicks her tongue. “Who do you think you’re talking to? I take risks in life, of course I’m doing this.”

The cheers that follow soon after are enough to lift her up, tapping her name down along with some necessary information and a few pictures of her. Actually, it’s clear as day that this application was inspired on a dating site.

But the weight is not lifted off her shoulders when she gets her first mission, a couple that has been together for a month and the guy wants to simply tell the girl that it was only meant to be a hook-up. After all, the talk that suffices after texting the girl in question is all about how ‘men will never understand how difficult it is to fall in love with them’ and she agrees. It basically takes a snap of Doah’s fingers and a glide on her next mission for her to coming back to life, to feel like there is purpose here—not breaking up people for the mere satisfaction of doing so, but because she needs to. Toxicity shall come to an end, just like how this mindset of always being in a relationship should have its conclusion in society for one and all. The only thing she needs is remind herself that she is not anyone’s half, not Tsubasa’s, not anyone else’s. She could have anyone she wanted if she put her mind into it, as a complete woman.

It takes a few swipes and some break-ups later for her to feel more at ease and finally come to the latest of the night, at two in the morning at that. The name reads Hyunae and Hyungwon, showing a picture of what seems to be two lanky and tall individuals, though the guy immediately captures her attention. Standing right in front of a café, the two are seen holding each other on their arms, but his thick lips are drawn into a small smile, his eyes turned into upside down C’s out of pure happiness. His face structure and long black hair is already enough to have her smiling, figuring out why in the hell he would want to break up with his equally as gorgeous girlfriend. As it turns out, it is not Hyungwon that wants to break up with Hyunae but the other way around…

“Who would even want to break up with this guy?” She speaks over a whisper, Seola fast asleep in her room, only Miwoo and Doah staying with her in the room. Miwoo is having a glass of water, meanwhile Doah leans forward to capture the picture on the screen, smiling at the couple in it. “He’s mad cute.”

“What’s the reason she wants to break up with him?”

“He’s boring, apparently.”

“Oh my God, of course he’d be boring.” Miwoo breathes out into the thin air, the stench of beer clinging into it. “…So? Text him.”

“…Should I?”

“You’ve texted others. Why can’t you do it now?”

Well, it’s quite a different reason—while most of her life she had been in love with one man, absolutely attracted to the overconfident businessman part of a company she had always wanted to be part of, Tsubasa, this is different. There is that flutter of interest deep in her gut, a flicker of her eyelashes that says she is just absolutely interested in whatever this Hyungwon guy has to offer. Boringness could not be an issue when there is a face like that in the game, and it may be a bad feeling to have…but if breaking him up with his girlfriend doesn’t bring her a bit of hope, she’d be lying.

“That’s right, I can do it.” Convincing herself, her fingers hover over the number and she copies it, placing it down on a text and starting with a simplistic tone. “Hey! I saw your girlfriend posted you on Break Them Up, an application for…well, having people break up with your significant other. I hope you don’t mind me texting you, but Hyunae says she is bored of your relationship with her and wants to break up. Here’s a screenshot, in case you think I’m joking.” Though, guilt settles at the pit of her stomach. If Tsubasa had done something like that, she’d feel betrayed, disgusted, exposed in the worst of ways. This may be the peeking point of her bad ideas—

Sent. Read. Typing.

Hiding her face in her friend’s shoulders, the three dots mock her endlessly. Firstly, all she receives is a short ‘okay’ that does nothing to help the guilt that lingers on her brain. Instead, she watches as he continues to play with his typing tool, because the three dots appear again and again, disappear and appear in what could translate into shock—heartbreak, too.

“…I can’t believe she’d out our relationship like that.”

Pushing her hair away from her face, the beer buzzing up in her body and blurring a bit of her sight when she tries to tie the threads of this conversation. “If it works for you, I’ve also gone through a break-up.”

Little to no silence, he continues, her friends long forgotten in the background, perhaps looking over her shoulder. “Ah, I see.”

“It’ll get better for both of us.” She types.

“How’d you know?” He replies, bringing a soft smile on her features. She doesn’t, that is, maybe it’ll get worse. Maybe, she won’t love again. Maybe, Tsubasa had carved his name on her waist for when he’d wrap his arms around it and sing those oh-so-hatred rock songs that he’d blast early in the morning. Seven years, how does one get over seven years?

With a rebound, that’s how the two of them get over this. If things go right, that is, the buzz is not making her think straight. “You’re not that bad looking. I’m sure you’ll get someone else in the blink of an eye.”

“Haha,” The first response says. “I guess, but it’s not about that.”

“What is it about?”

“Years lost in someone who’d do this to me, I guess.”

“Huh…I get you, in my case it was seven years.”

A moment of hesitation, shown in the way the three dots disappear and soon after, they appear again. “I don’t think I’ve gotten your name. Are you sure you want to share that information with someone equally as heartbroken?”

Giggling to herself and leaning on her back, she lets out a sigh, hearing one of her friends complaining about the lack of information once she moves from their grasps. “I overshare, that’s my thing. Though…you know what? Yes, it’s only fair I share my name.”

And that she does, drunkenly talking to some man and trying her best not to fuck up her grammar along the way, drinking another bottle of beer to feel the liquid go past her throat in courage. Heartbroken, perhaps disheartened at this point, this is still no enough for her not to take risks—much less when there is a handsome, clearly single man that embarks in conversation with her. Soft, not flirty, just…the perfect amount of chill before she feels herself drifting off to sleep, cushions harshly pressed to her back.

###

Her name, spoken through a cheery tone, cuts through the thin air while she reads over her schedule for the week. The morning is tiresome, the long dress over her body clinging to the back of her thighs uncomfortably, trying to remember if she put on mascara on one eye when she had done her makeup…albeit a bit sleepy. This week had consisted of nothing but spending time with her friends, more than simply drinking, but touching the sky in long walks until they reached spots of the city that they didn’t know, or in dinners where speech is not necessary, only the healing atmosphere lingering within her.

That is the reason of her lack of sleep. Earfuls late at night, of gossip and stories she knows about but never gets tired of.

“Yes, Jinhee?”

The woman with a cap placed over her head peeked through her door before opening with a big smile, plush cheeks coated in a layer of peach dust. “Morning.” She says.

A smile appearing on her face, she decides that the heat and the lack of sleep won’t ruin her day. “Good morning, Jinhee. Why do I have the benefit of seeing you so early in the morning?”

Shame, she reads all over her face, not a typical feature to see in an office full of motivational speakers. If anything, all she gets to hear are chants of how good their lives are…and how it could only get better from now on. Bad pasts long gone, not living their ‘happily-ever-after’s’. “Well, uh, you see…you get the benefit to see someone else this morning—”

“Oh, sure. It’d have to be quick, though, I have some talk with an elementary child and his parents, because his teacher expressed he has been unmotivated—”

“Tsubasa is here.”

A man she hasn’t seen in well over two months, one that has her sighing deeply when he appears behind Jinhee, his thin eyebrows lifted in the smile he gives her. Golden skin that matches the bath of sunlight hat gets through her windows, moles that she has kissed over and over again framing his face, thick glasses that he can’t take off for anything moving under his smile. Her name, again, called into the density of such situation when Jinhee slips away, leaving her alone with Tsubasa.

“…Shouldn’t you be at work?”

While resting the flowers he brought with her on her desk, igniting the place in even more colors, she feels like her life is being drained of them. Him, in a suit; her, in a dress. A perfect match, she once had thought, as if their constant break-ups and arguments were normal. As if seeing life like a newspaper—gray, black, white, planned, written, filled with bad news, is what a relationship should feel like. Seven years, a first love, too many nights of wrapping herself up with him that she doesn’t know what could be more loveable than what they had, bad or not. “I was, but I asked for permission to visit you.”

“Then, go back.” She replies, pointing her finger towards her closed door enthusiastically. “You shouldn’t even be here in the first place. I already kicked you out of my life once, don’t make me do it again.”

Though, when he is looking out of her windows, always in need of the Sun to feel like she truly is happy and alive, she doesn’t think anyone will ever fill that void that she dares to call love, just him. Pushing it, that’s what motivational speakers do—to finish the race even if it hurts, to always come at first place, to hold onto the memories and look for something great. He’s the best, though, when his fingers glide across the spot in which she usually kept his gifts at, though not anymore. Needless to say, it has been difficult to get rid of him, and he notices. “You redecorated.”

“Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m just pointing out—”

“Well, yes, some things change.” She doesn’t let him finish, protecting herself knowing that he is never quite as calm as this. They will always collide; him for being intense, her for never accepting that something could go wrong in their relationship. Not everything is about happiness, just like not everything should be about complaining. His back leans against the desk, inspecting her face like the immaculate man he is—serious, calm, relaxed, with a bomb hidden in the depths of his heart.

“I know, but I don’t want you to change.” Tsubasa utters, the long strands of his hair pushed back by some gel, and she has to close her eyes and look away in order not to remember the times in which she’d see him with adoration at the beginning of their relationship, threading her fingers through his hair as he brushed his teeth late at night. Even simplistic things like that had her in love. “…Sure, I shouldn’t have come here without telling you, but today…I was told to find a scriptwriter for one of our commercials, supposed to motivate people to be better, happier.” A shuddering breath follows. “I could only think of you.”

“Out.” She threatens, voice soft when she tries to move towards the door. “I’m trying to forget seven years of us fighting, Tsubasa. I don’t want to just work with you.”

He nears her, hands wrapping around her wrists delicately, looking for her face when his usual cologne engulfs the expanse of her nostrils, up her body, engraved in the area of memory in her brain. “You’ve wanted this forever, though.”

That, he had listened to. The company he works for, a good executive of it to be exact, had been on her wish-list for as long as she could remember. Apart from making a few students feel more confident in reaching their happiness, she wants to do something more. Commercials with short catchphrases and incredible visuals, some of the type that Tsubasa’s company does, ones that could bring people to tears and up their beds to do something for their lives.

But…what is she doing for her life as of now? Accepting every offer that Tsubasa gives her?

Looking at his lips, thin and a bit curved, chapped—he should really drink more water, she used to say—and missing him. Because, once someone constructs a home, it doesn’t matter that the ceilings are falling or that the cushions of the couches dig into their skin so uncomfortably they can’t lay in peace, the only thing that matters, and wrongly so, is that it is…your home.

“I’ve already talked to my boss about you. They want you on the team. Better payment than whatever you get here—” He speaks excitedly, something unlike him, when he smiles at her. Beaming, he is, maybe there is hope within him that she’ll be able to forgive the tears they both shed, the nights in which staying in the same bed felt like being continents apart. “We can get through this, together. We just need time to remember why exactly we fell in love.”

His body shelters the Sun from the windows and what she wants to do right now is impossible. What she would do was she a weaker person would be wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him like nothing ever mattered, as if taking a bite of the prohibited fruit will make her immune to it. Instead, she really ponders on this—he is sheltering her Sun, and he has been doing it for the entirety of their relationship. Vice-versa, too, she is not a saint in this situation. “I can’t.”

Air is pushed towards her face in the form of a scoff. “Yes, you can.”

“I can’t—”

“Stop being stubborn. You’re the first one that says that people can do anything as long as they put their minds into it!”

Her hands push at his chest, the sound of his pristine shoes colliding against his flooring suddenly leaving her in a trance. Panic, that is what it is, she is not used to lying…at least, not in something as specific as that. What is the reason as to why she has redecorated everything, erased him from her life and even denying a good job because she doesn’t want to see him? “I can’t because…” A look around the room, uncertainty, one more word from him and his voice will cut through her soul, leaving her bleeding, needing him more than anything in the world. “…Because I have someone else, and I know you’ll get angry because of this.”

The world doesn’t shatter—not for her, but for Tsubasa it seems to. His jaw tightens, eyes squinting before rolling them subsequently. “Right, yeah, you have a new man. You expect me to believe that?”

Certainty is what he speaks, as if he is so sure she can’t get a new man…and sure, it is not a reality, but it could damn well be if she simply let go of him. “Believe it, Tsubasa. I could call my man just about now to be a polite and nice civilian to show you exactly what a real person is.”

Thick breaths, tension, one step closer, two of them at that when he takes her phone from her desk and pushes it towards her hand before nodding. “…Call him, then. Tell him to speak up if he’s so brave.”

Well, fuck.

She really thought her hot-headed, quite reserved ex-boyfriend would accept her humongous lie.

Fingers hovering over her screen, they rush to find whatever number does not belong to a friend of hers, is a man’s set of digits and could potentially have her ex-boyfriend convinced that she is seeing someone else. “And video-call, too. I want to see him.”

“I don’t owe you any explanations, I don’t know why I am even doing this.”

Tsubasa’s fingers press his glasses up on his nose, chuckling shortly at her words, though a smile does not appear on his features. “Because it’s a lie?”

“He’s not.” She finishes, pressing on the last contact she sees in her hunt and bringing the device up her face. Tsubasa appears beside her in the matter of seconds, praying that the person on the screen doesn’t think she is an absolute insane woman once he picks up.

“Your new boy is taking a bit longer than anticipated.”

“Some people work, you know?”

“Sure. What’s his job?”

Answerless, for Tsubasa has always been smart, too smart for his own good, reason as to why he has such a nice position in his job and why he frowns when he sees Hyungwon splayed on her screen, squinting his eyes at the scenery in front of him and pushing his plump lips in a line. He’s confused, quite a bit taken aback, and she realizes now that some drunken conversation is clearly not the necessary subject for her to be calling him (clarification: video-calling him) in the middle of the morning, with her ex-boyfriend by her side, nonetheless. “Hello, Hyungwon. Are you busy right now?”

“Kind of…I’m on my aperitive break.” Aperitive break? Who even has those? “But…yes, I am free now, nice to see you. What can…I help you with?” Hesitation on his face is quite the sight, much more when he wraps those rosy lips around the straw of what seems to be his iced coffee. Before she could answer, however, Tsubasa speaks over her.

“I’m her ex-boyfriend and she’s been meaning to tell me you’re her new guy. Is that true?” He asks, panic filling her body when she sees Hyungwon widening his eyes, looking at her, then at him, then back at her. His body is frozen for a few seconds, or maybe the connection failed on her, she is not sure anymore.

Hyungwon’s finger is at the perfect timing to simply swipe his finger over the red button on the red of the screen and forget this moment even existed. Instead, he pushes a bit of his sandwich inside his mouth, the sound of a child speaking in the fair distance taking her off guard. Does he have children…or…? “Y—Yes.” Through a mouthful of food and with flushed cheeks, he answers. “That would be me.”

Tsubasa frowns at this, instead continuing with the conversation. “Huh, how so? How did you meet her?”

“Tsubasa, you’re my ex, not my dad. Stop—”

“…Dating apps?” Hyungwon almost chokes on his food when he says this, even surprising himself and she tries her best not to show her surprise at how good this is going.

“You tried dating apps?” Her ex asks.

“…After we broke up, I guess.” Lie. If anything, she only tried that break-up app in which she had discovered Hyungwon in…but who is Tsubasa to know that?

With fingers threading through his black hair and his gray hoodie pooling around the edges, Hyungwon cuts through the dense air. “Hey…uh, dude, my guy, whoever you are…I’d be thankful if you just left her alone?” The uncertainty in his tone must have gone unnoticed by Tsubasa, who turned to look at the camera with anger. This is what she gets for lying, more lies to keep on the long run. “Yeah, leave her alone. It’s over between you two.”

Pointing towards her door before opening it with the same hand, she hums. “Out you go, Tsubasa.” Though, it pains her to see the expression on his face, one that reads betrayal. Though not together, their story is difficult to get rid of…and lying to him feels like a part of her body is being plucked away so slowly that it is difficult to breathe. “…Sorry.” She whispers when she sees the man pass by, the door closing in front of her eyes with a loud bang and the memory that she never meant to break his heart.

But it’d be good for them.

Being away is the only way they can be happy, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

“Was that sorry for me or…?” Hyungwon’s deep and soft-spoken tone cuts through her thoughts, making her look up towards the camera, smiling at him briefly before nodding her head.

“Yes, sorry…” She trails, moving towards her desk and sitting down, releasing that one breath that had caged inside her, trapping her as its slave. “He came back to offer me some job…but I needed to decline. I don’t want to work around him.”

Understanding, he seems to be, nodding his head when he plays with the edge of his straw. “He didn’t seem too nice. What did you see in him?”

It’s small talk and yet, she can’t help but chuckle at this. Leaning her head back while still keeping her phone straight, the Sun almost burning her pupils but she enjoys the feeling of being warm, with him, in solitude, however way it comes. Opening up to him comes easily, a stranger that she likes to talk about for the sake of feeling like she can still capture the attention of someone handsome, seven years after being absolutely off the dating radar. “He gets what he wants. He always did. I needed someone who…would not be afraid to take risks.” She almost wants to laugh at the reminder as to why he had captured her attention. “I’ve known him for almost all my life, he’s a sweet guy…we just don’t work well together. We’re the type of people that fix things. I think I can’t ever live through sadness…” The truth spills her lips, well-aware that her obsession with happiness is only hurting her, and she doesn’t even look at Hyungwon’s expression when she speaks about her reality. “And he’d do anything to get to where he wants. It’s not like that in relationships…you can only fix something so much until it gets broken permanently.”

The deep words have Hyungwon sighing, looking down when she chooses to look at him. This is how they are, reaching but never holding, simply speaking to a stranger, wanting to take the risk of being vulnerable. “…It was the opposite with my ex and I,” He says. “The first time I met her, she was one of those models in stores. The ones that sit by the windows and showcase clothing while pretending to be mannequins. I really bought her entire outfit simply to get her attention.” Laughter, maybe he had enjoyed that day, but it dies down quickly when he shakes his head, instead his eyes filled with longing when he looks up at her. “…And when she asked: ‘Who are you giving this to?’. That outfit, that is. I could only think of her so I said ‘you’.”

Her lips quirk up in a small smile at that, warmed by the gesture. “That’s sweet.”

“She wanted those kinds of gestures throughout the relationship, though. It was draining, in a way…” Hyungwon mumbles, breathing through his nose with those same babbles of children in the background. “I enjoy quietness, simply talking and enjoying everything in simplicity. I don’t need to show someone I love them by doing extravagant things.”

“Right.”

“…Sorry, am I oversharing?”

“I love to listen, don’t worry.” She replies, pushing her elbows against the desk, digging deeply into the crevices of her skin with its rough wood. “I understand, in a way, I really do.”

“How?”

“The last few years of my relationship with Tsubasa, my ex, were…all about screaming, arguing…all of the like.”

“Oh.”

Once again, a weird metaphor comes up to her brain, typical of her moments of motivational speaking. “It reminds me of this one washing machine I have in my apartment. That thing is rusty, but I ask for it to be fixed every time. I can’t get rid of it…it came with the house and I really do think I can fix it, even when it screeches like a wild animal when it is washing my clothes.” The sweet laughter that escapes his lips, melodious to listen to, brings a smile to her face when she looks at her clock and sees that it is about time for her to leave to her first speech of the day. “I need some quiet. Getting rid of my relationship, getting rid of my washing machine—”

“We can be quiet together.” He prompts, before shaking his head at the sound of his voice. “Oh, shit, my bad, I probably sounded—”

“No.” She says. “We can be quiet together.”

###

The waltz of the morning is eventful, once again followed by a motivational speech for her. She tries to feel more at ease—happier, because working with kindergarteners with a frown on her features is not exactly what she should be doing. The walls are painted in colors of yellow and blue, the small classroom taking her off guard when she takes a glimpse from the windows outside, watching the number of teachers that are oh-so-gladly talking to their students about the next section of their day. Small, they are, probably not a day over five years old, with attentive looks on their faces that could not match the ones that she normally gets from older students, all in distaste or disinterest in her rants about a happy life.

Well, they are older…and life has always taught that the older someone gets, the more is expected from them; hence happiness is a benefit rather than a necessity. To her, happiness needs to be a certainty, because the chirping of birds still exists, along with her group of friends; there are people in this world that had it worse than her and still, she gets to complain. Heartbroken, she feels, though she doesn’t look like it—always thinking of Tsubasa; if he has eaten or not, if he is sleeping soundly now that she is not in the picture.

The door opens in a swish, present reuniting with past and bringing her back to her reality. After knocking on the door, she had stood and waited to let her in, grasping her bag in between her fingers, moving back and forth, unable to stay in place—quite a lot like her—. The person in front of her, however, is completely still. Serious, even. Soft yet powerful, a gush of fresh air when her eyes widen and she inspects his features. Small face marked by prominent lips, long—longer than the last time she saw him on that video-call—and black hair framing his features.

Able to forget, she is, when she looks at his features and gets to see a hint of a smile, whispering out his name as if not to disturb the students.

“Hyungwon? You’re a kindergarten teacher?” Part of her had imagined that the wails and babbles of children in the background of their call had come from Hyungwon and his children. Apparently, this is not the case.

Flushed cheeks and a good look at her features, his eyes caress her face in the gentlest of stares when he says. “Yes…You’re the motivational speaker?”

“…Yes,” She adds rapidly. “I mean, it probably makes sense now. I was trying to make you feel better after I was asked to break up with you—”

“It does make sense. Someone can only tell you it’ll be alright about a thousand times before it starts to get suspicious.”

“Good thing I said it nine hundred ninety-nine times.”

Hyungwon chuckles, opening the door wider for her to enter in such a place. The children are already looking at her with curiousness, her eyes taking in each of them. One of them in the front row is eating what seems to be a sandwich, unlike everyone else who is listening intently, crumbs of bread imparted unevenly on top of fluffy cheeks. Another one immediately waves at her, on the end of the row of seats, giving her an eventful smile and surprisingly enough, there is one of them that stands up and clings to Hyungwon’s leg, his long fingers coming down to pat the black head of hair.

“Guys, we should all sit down and listen to our dear friend.”

“Yes, Teacher Hyungwon!” Some say in unison, grinning when Hyungwon moves to the back of the class with his kindergarten student, sitting him down beside him before looking ahead. Whilst she places her bag down on the nearby desk, not forgetting to greet the other teachers, she can’t help but get a bit fidgety under his gaze—curious, he is, and it has only downed on her that this complete stranger is not one in its entirety.

Speaking comes easier from then on, rambling just like how she knows how to do, capturing the attention of the little children that help her out along the way, asking them questions, making them play around in order to have more trust in themselves and others. Interactive would fall short as a word for what she is doing and how gratifying it feels to be heard, for once and for all, speaking as quickly as she does, as invested in the nature of making others feel better, even when she is not feeling her best.

The impossibility of leaving is palpable when some of the students beg her to stay, even more after she had a connection with them, wanting her to take part on their lunch time. That’s how she finds herself near the window, magnet of everything that has to deal with the Sun, knees bent under the small table, plopping a bit of rice in between her lips. The students are talking to her happily, more than glad to have a ‘teacher’ that is just as hyper as they are, barely able to stand in one place without moving to the other. They ask and ask and ask, never getting tired of her and it’s the most heart-warming thing that has ever had the opportunity to cross her path in the last few months.

If she is not counting the man that moves towards her with sure steps, sitting across from her with his own plate of lunch, his tall and lean body barely captured under the comprising stance of the table in which she is seated at. Hyungwon gives her a shy smile, one of those that lift the apples of his cheeks and make him look quite awkward, though their silence lasts a short amount of time when they both call each other’s names, laughing at their own antics.

With him, it feels natural to simply be…shameful. It feels as though she doesn’t have to worry about the world because with him alone, she’s able to forget about the things that fly around her head in matters of worry. This is exactly what she needs, kaleidoscopes of images forgotten in the back of her brain.

“I meant to ask you—” She stops herself for a moment when one of the children feeds her a spoonful of rice, and this feels exactly how young parents are probably like. They can’t even speak without having one of their children interrupting them. “How is it that you ended up being a teacher?” She asks, earning a glance from Hyungwon that simply shrugs his shoulders.

His fingers go to help one of the younger students eat, doing motions with his mouth to represent chewing, and the little one understands perfectly. This kind of relaxed, laidback mindset of his is intoxicating, in a way that she can feel herself smiling just from his sight alone. “I don’t know.” He explains. “One day…I had to be an adult, and I had to pick something to do. Part of me knew that society is already difficult on its own, so I wanted to go to the root of it all.” His words are a bit jumbled, as if he’s embarrassed of what he is saying, mouth parting in a small smile when he feeds some more to this one student. “Children are the future, so if I can make children be educated, kind, nice to one another…intelligent but not pretentious about it, then I’ve already done something good for society.”

Warmed by her words and finding the logic in the thread of thoughts that had gone through his mind when choosing his career, she hums. “That’s…smart. I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Bad teachers make bad students.” He answers, looking over at her while he holds his hand under the boy’s chin. “Ria, eat your food, please. Stop playing with it.” He softly says to one of the students across from him, earning a giggle and a sigh from himself. “What about you? What was the reason behind being a motivational speaker?”

Understanding, that’s what he is. She hates herself for looking at him with stars in her eyes, studying the hoodie over his body and how his hair grazes against it, watching the calm look on his features and the moisture of his lips, a ghost of a kiss passing through her head. Attraction that comes with liveliness, this fleeting air that makes her feel weightless. Lightweight, and ready to be caught. “I was always a hyper girl,” She says. “People used to say: “use that word for something, use those mannerisms to inspire people!” and I thought that was the road that I had to take.” Playing around with her rice and the egg on top of it, she takes another bite before sighing. “It reminds me to be happy, too.”

Hyungwon’s eyes soften at that, nodding his head along with her. “Happiness is the goal, yes.”

“Do you think…?” Her voice comes short when she tries to think of her question. “Do you think I do a great job at motivating people?”

His eyes crinkle at that, a smile that she has never seen from him when he frantically nods. “You are the one that has inspired me to get over my ex.”

“And vice-versa.” She says, pointing at him before Hyungwon presses his lips together, the sound of wails cutting the atmosphere like scissors going over paper. He stands up immediately, just at the same time that she does. “Let me help you.”

“…Are you sure you have nothing else to do today?” He asks mindfully, walking and hearing the sound of her footsteps beside him, aware of him when he kneels to pick up the child that is crying, talking to them through a soft tone. “Hey, hey, easy. You dropped your food; we can get you some more.” He speaks, finding the Sun in him when he stands in front of said window. Tall, he is, but he doesn’t cover the Sun, rather radiates with it, shines a light that leaves her astounded.

Surely, he is handsome…but something about him is inviting, calming, everything that she hasn’t had in the last seven years with— “I probably won’t have any other day like this with you, so let me prolong it a bit.”

Hyungwon chuckles at that, patting the student’s back while he speaks to her. “You don’t have to think like that.”

“Why?”

Awkwardness, he always radiates such thing when he is ashamed—or maybe, embarrassed. She notices that, moving back and forth on the heels of her feet, always moving, needing to go to the next thing, think of the next subject before coming blank. Staying quiet is never her thing, but it seems to be his. “We could definitely see each other again if you wanted to.”

“Do you want to?” She asks.

“I’d love to have some meal with you without sitting by a table I can’t even sit by, so…yes?” Joy overtakes her, lips moving along with her throat to let laughter caress the air in between the two. “If you want to, of course.”

Letting go, oh, what a precious thing to be thinking about when she utters out a small: “Huh, I was thinking the same thing, maybe we should make it happen.”

###

This street will always hold the melody of Hyungwon’s voice, walking by her side, a reminder that comes from that day at the kindergarten classroom in which she realized that, when walking back to her home, Hyungwon takes the same route. Nowhere nearby, they live, but close enough that it’s a ten-minute walk…and they’d meet if only their schedules lined up.

But now, when the Sun is barely hiding and the sky is in its rosy tint, Hyungwon is walking by her side. Waited, he had done, even when it had taken her a good hour and a half to get there, meeting up with him thanks to her rushing and loud strides against the sidewalk. A few distractions happen on the way home, whatever way shown in the way they are holding onto cotton candy, eating happily while having cheerful conversations.

She had gotten to know a bit about Hyungwon, enough for her to think of him as a daydream. Lover of coffee, definitely not one to think heavily of the future but he enjoys his present, he’s strict but deep behind all that, he’s kind. Retorts and remarks are often with him when he has something to say and oh, he’d live for some gossip but wouldn’t even be able to confess it if she asked him. He moves slowly, almost like he is sleepy when he walks, or that he really wants to meet up with that promise she had given him in the classroom a few weeks ago. To prolong the moment, to not think for the minutes in which they are together.

It’s hard for her to concentrate for long periods of time. Tsubasa knew this, lived with it, sometimes had to explain twice when she blanked out, but what she’d receive was a sigh at most. Hyungwon, however, makes sure to engulf her in enough information for her to catch on, patience at its finest. So different, in a way, and yet a subject of comparison. Sometimes, it’s difficult not to do so and while munching on her cotton candy, the treat dissolving on her tongue while Hyungwon speaks about this one student that had made his heart almost explode out of adorableness, the sound of screeching, shouting, heartbreak seeps through her ears, widening her eyes when she catches the couple that are fighting right in front of some restaurant near her apartment complex.

“Do you think that always happens in relationships?”

Hyungwon tries to look for the source of her question, connecting his gaze to the sight that has made her curious, and he simply puckers up his lips in response. “I don’t know…I’m not sure.” The answer saddens her, continuing her walk along with him even when passing by the couple.

“I used to think that this ‘forever-and-ever’ happens to everyone.” She starts once again, the talk of love nowhere near spoken in between the two. Flirting has happened, but it’s different to talk about a serious outlook of love. “I used to think that I’d find it someday, too.”

Hyungwon brings a slice of the cotton candy up to his lips, reddening them even more. “You can’t be certain it won’t happen. You’re still young.” And with that promise alone, she lifts her gaze, her steps becoming slower the more she nears her apartment complex.

“What about you? Do you think it will happen to you?” She complies, memories ever so precious of him being held the moment he stands in front of the building that meets her home, taking his last bite of cotton candy before sighing deeply.

“…Maybe…” He tells her, a faint smile appearing on his features when he lifts his eyebrows. “Are you curious?”

“Maybe.” She mocks his tone, taking the small papers that held the cotton candies they had and trashing them in a bin nearby before returning towards him. Hyungwon’s eyes, looking at her for a goodbye, have her fidgeting more than usual, playing with the edge of her shirt, tightening her fingers, unleashing them from their hold and finally, saying something. “It’s up to you if something happens…in that case…” She tries to hint, looking at him and comparing him in every way possible. He’s skinnier, taller, definitely different from Tsubasa. He’s not a man that she has known for her entire life, but someone that she barely knows…and that’s thrilling on its own, exciting, enough to set her ablaze because, for a second, she thinks she sees interest in his eyes.

Is that good? Perhaps, it’s bad to let go, it’s bad to look for someone else and want to feel loved under the gaze of another person. It’s bad enough that Hyungwon nears her, hand hovering over her waist before pressing down on it. Different, this is different, and that is exactly what she needs. To feel like the Sun is burning her, but in the best of ways, even when it is long into the night. “One step at a time, though.” He says. “…I want to ease into this.”

“Me, too.” She replies, fisting the fabric of his shirt and bringing him towards her, the movement of her dress against her legs the only motion that reminds her this is not a freeze frame. She counts his eyelashes, the faint gleam on the tip of his nose, his thick lips that she had wished to kiss from the moment she saw him in a picture with his ex. She chuckles at that, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “Is it too quick for me to say I really like you, though?”

“Depends.” Hyungwon tilts his head to the side, playing with a strand of her hair with his free hand. “Is it too quick for me to say I want to kiss you?”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t kiss me after implying that.”

His face leans forward, enough for her to look into his eyes just as they look down at her lips. “I don’t know…” He teases, giggling at his own words before resting a brief kiss on her lips. “Is that enough?”

Looking for gravity, she wraps her arms around his neck. This feeling is exactly what she has been looking for, to be clouded in someone’s hold to the point she couldn’t even think of anything else. The weighty feeling of him when she presses his lips into his, this time in a soft yet not so fleeting manner, is enough to have butterflies appearing on the depths of her stomach, but not enough to feel her heart combust in absolute delight. She’d get used to this, to the glide of his lips against hers that is different from anything else she has ever had. He’s delicate, with purpose, but not completely on the loving stance. If anything, it feels like dipping a finger into the ocean.

Though, the feeling of the soft muscles of his back contracting when she runs her fingers over them is enough to have her smiling against the kiss, but diving in once again. In reality, this is better than she could have expected, only pulling away when the security guard by the door opens it widely, clearing his throat with poise.

“Are you entering, Miss?”

While still holding onto Hyungwon, his hands searching anywhere else but her body, she speaks in a sweetened tone towards him. “I don’t know, Hyungwon. Are we entering?”

“W—We…?” Hyungwon asks softly, seeing the big traces of a smile on her features when relief washes over his body. “Yes, we are.”

His fingertips slot in between hers, holding her lazily while they enter the building, a reminder for her to get used to the differences between the past and the future.

It takes a man to forget another, as it seems.

###

In the blink of an eye, it becomes difficult to even imagine a time in which Hyungwon isn’t in her head.

His students asking for her, her friends that couldn’t stop talking about her ‘cute and mysterious’ boyfriend, and most importantly, the amount of times she has to push the thought of him into her life simply to feel like she has someone to look forward to, a source of happiness that she should get attached to. Even when he is right in front of her, the Japanese restaurant packed with different individuals, all chatting with excitement, she can only keep thinking of him. Maybe, this is exactly what she needed, to have someone else that makes her feel…alive.

Different, he has always been, in the way he holds her with such simplicity but still looks at her with all the intent. Never falling apart, just calmly letting the breeze direct their paths together, enjoying nothing more than the time they get to spend together. Sometimes, it surprises her that there is not even the slightest of turbulence with Hyungwon, now seated in front of her and tipping his head back to down a bit of the wine they had ordered with their meal.

If happiness is this, the way his face contorts with the sweet taste before giving a smile to her, then she wants to be able to forget everything. The burning sensation of his plump lips passing across her skin feels right, but it isn’t called love for any of them.

Letting go has been the meaning of their relationship, how it developed even from the littlest of actions. Attraction, it is, the calmness of him bringing her to a sense of peace, but comparing each other seems to be the root of their upcoming issues. Pasts of previous relationships are what translate into their motions, blurring their judgements of each other. Someone’s favorite color is one thing, but the way they touch the other is the same way they reached for someone else. It’s difficult to get used to another body, to threaten to erase every bit of attachment in order to grow another root of love.

It doesn’t work like that.

“Drink slower,” She tells him, her chopsticks picking a bit of sushi in between them. The Japanese restaurant they went to is common for them, one of the many take-out meals that they have, the decorations on the ceilings golden, the rug in a dark shade of green, the trees bringing a sense of naturality even when they are inside. “The wine is not going anywhere.”

“We paid a lot of money for this wine, better enjoy it.” Hyungwon adds, leaning forward on his table before biting down on his bottom lip. His eyes scan her features, as if he wants to know the clouds of tiredness that fall under her eyes like the palm of his hand, or because he simply wants to forget every mole and trace of blemish that kisses her skin. “Did I tell you that I love when you wear that dress?”

A black dress, thin strapped dress that touched the ground softly, layered on top of a white t-shirt, that’s what Hyungwon is looking at, along with the pendant with his initial that wraps around her neck. When he said he was attentive yet quiet, he meant it. “You say that about every other dress.”

“…I don’t, stop.” Hyungwon comments, taking a bite of his own order of sushi and she smacks her lips in disbelief.

“I’m starting to believe you’re really fake.”

“I’m not the type to say I like something when I don’t.” And she knows this, one of the things she knows about Hyungwon, but no matter how much she scavenges for the little bits that make her feel like she’s in love with him, it has never happened. Likewise, for Hyungwon, the words had never left his lips and while adoration is there, it’s not exactly love they are working with. “You know what? I’m going to have more wine, considering we’re walking back.”

“I’ll have to drag you back to your place, though. Drink slower.” She retorts, a smile on her features when she leans forward and rests a soft kiss on his lips. “If only you had me like that wine.” She flirts, earning a chuckle from Hyungwon.

“…Spending lots of money on it and drinking it in one go because I have to make sure every penny it’s worth it?”

“Don’t ruin the moment.” Another brief peck is pressed against her lips before she sits back down on her seat, fixing the chopsticks in between her fingers when patting them against the plate. “Man, I really missed having some time with you. All I’ve been thinking this week is how I need to have some sushi with my boyfriend.”

“Jinhee is finally getting to your nerves.”

“People rarely get on my nerves, because I’m mostly the annoying one in the relationship.” She answers quickly, looking up at him for a brief second as if searching for an answer before giving another bite to her food. “But, man, this one student in one of those classes I went to was really testing it with me.”

“What did he say?” Hyungwon asks, interested.

“Hear this,” She starts. “Why are we supposed to feel motivated when you, yourself, must feel unmotivated from time to time?”

“He’s got a point.”

“I’m always happy!” That same fronting issue that goes on inside her heart burns at Hyungwon’s lips when he speaks out.

“You shouldn’t push yourself to always be happy.” He tells her, hand reaching forward until he squeezes the skin gently. “But…I’ll make sure you keep that sentence alive. You’ll always be happy.”

Warmth, heightening more and more as Hyungwon keeps drinking, only a few sips given by her and by the time an hour and a half has passed of the two eating, now enjoying desserts of their own, Hyungwon is drunken. His head is tilted back, the expanse of the elongated part of his body blossoming with a few reminders of the kisses she had pressed and marked there early on the week. His hair falls on top of his eyes, suddenly babbling more than he would, the quiet one of the relationship generally, a perfect listener until now, he wants to talk about everything.

Like her favorite movie, or the way her laugh sounds when she is really into a joke he tells. Things that he seems to remember about her, reminiscent of them perfectly the more he loses himself in his drink. When she finally pries the cup away from his hands, however, her boyfriend leans his weight forward and chuckles with his entire teeth, those crevices that she loves forming under his eyes when he clearly is trying to look cute in her book.

And maybe, it’s working.

And maybe, she can fall in love.

“I still remember our first trip,” But only in a month of being in a relationship, they still have yet to think of a trip. This brings a frown up her features, inspecting the way he grasps her fingers in his hold before placing his soft lips on top of them. Fleeting, like what they have for each other. “We went to…your family’s house,” Yet, Hyungwon had never gotten to know her family. “And I got to see that little room of yours. It was so cute.”

“Hyungwon, that didn’t happen.”

Soberness doesn’t overtake him, but he squints at her before chuckling a bit more awkwardly, resting his head against the table in his drunken state. “Right…” He whispers, looking up at her whilst his chin digs into the wooden material of the table. “I’d love to meet your family, though.”

A rebound, that is what she is, because Hyungwon is thinking of such a memory with adoration—confusing it with her in the line that they have traced between their pasts and their present. It only so happens that she can’t get angry at him for this, she can’t simply scold him for…loving someone else, when she doesn’t think she has fully stopped loving someone. Surely, she no longer likes Tsubasa as a person, but the longing deep in her soul will forever carve the name of the person that she had adored for seven years. “I’m sure you would…” She mumbles back, running her fingertips through his hair before sighing. “Were you thinking of Hyunae?”

“…I confused things, sorry.” His rough voice fills the air softly when he holds her hands tightly. “But don’t think I like you any less because of this.”

Like you.

Like.

Like, not love.

Why does that make her feel more at ease?

“You’re so cheerful and happy and loud. So funny, so…given to everyone. Whenever you enter a room, you’re ready to talk and make everything fun and I need that.” Hyungwon answers, looking up at her with glistening eyes before mouthing out a small: “Who would I prefer to be with than with you?”

Probably Hyunae, had she not left him. If everything had gone well with Tsubasa and it had been the first big fight instead of the thousandth one, maybe she’d be with him, too. Not to say she likes Hyungwon less or that she doesn’t sigh in utter happiness when he presses a kiss to her lips or when he laughs in absolute joy. She needs time, she promises herself, to get used to someone else. She’s fearful, perhaps she doesn’t want to be in the end of heartbreak again, to get so sick of love that she seeks for it more. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Hyungwon. You were with her for long, I understand…but we’re moving forward, that’s the good thing.”

He realizes, probably, that she is in the same predicament. Sober, of course, he must have noticed.

Because she can’t let go.

Not completely. She would never go back to Tsubasa, but the memories keep haunting her.

Maybe, she could have done better.

Maybe, Hyungwon will end up fighting with her, too.

…Is love for everyone?

“I’ve already moved forward.” He explains, earning a breathy laugh from her when she slices a bit of his lemon pie, wanting to have a taste in contrast of her passion fruit one.

“We’ll get there, step by step, make memories of our own, you know?” Convincing, she means to sound, even to herself, wanting nothing more than to get rid of the second skin that has been clinging to her, holding her onto something that she isn’t anymore. It will be alright, she promises deep in her brain, relying on her vision to see more of the love of her life in him. “This is just a slip up. We knew it was going to be like this.”

“Right.” Hyungwon nods, curt in the way he tries to do so. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” She tells him, wanting to whisper something along the lines of ‘because I also go through the same thing’, needing to forgive herself for not forgetting, but she lets it die in the back of her throat.

Because she’s always happy, and slip-ups are not for her.

###

Trust me, how many times has she said those two words in the last fifteen minutes? A hundred times, probably?

Hyungwon’s apartment has almost become second nature for her to be in, and in between walking together back home, it was a habit to end up in his place. Right now, however, she wishes nothing more than to be able to kick him out of said place—even when she is not supposed to be doing so. Leaning against the sink, she is trying to apply mascara to her bottom lashes, widening her eyes, but eyebrows furrowed in such a way with trembling fingers to control her anger that she doesn’t think she’ll be able to get the makeup right without ruining it even the slightest.

The mirror shows the decency of Hyungwon, the pride of him as he stands in his pajamas by the bathroom’s door, leaning against it with his slim and long arms cradling his chest. His hair is decorating his angry features elegantly, plush lips pressed together, eyes scanning her every action when he finally does her the justice of speaking again, much more than he normally does, all thanks to the slightest thing she had mentioned earlier, just over twenty minutes ago.

“If you wanted to go back to his arms, you just had to tell me.”

He’s not the jealous type, he had once said, and he normally isn’t…but that fear he has of her going back to Tsubasa lingers within him, tickles at that insecurity that he holds in him and now explodes into their argument. Which, speaking of, have become more prominent in their relationship after that sly honeymoon phase. Hyungwon doesn’t like when she speaks too loudly when he’s trying to concentrate on grading tests—for kindergarteners, at that—and she absolutely dislikes the way he simply falls asleep when they try to go out on dates. She has grown more used to watching around his place, the accumulation of memoirs and reminders suddenly making her sick, than spending time with him.

Earlier this week, however, she had gotten yet another offer from Tsubasa’s workplace. This time it was not from Tsubasa, but from some man named Jooheon that was interested in having her in his informercial project. When thinking deeply about it, going to a big company and earning more money is never a bad thing—but to Hyungwon, it’s a clear sign that she is missing Tsubasa, or that he is the one that offered it to her, on the first place.

The latter makes more sense, and it’s the one he holds on to the most.

“Ugh, listen, I don’t want to get back with him. Stop prompting that I do.” She replies, landing her mascara down on her makeup kit with a slam. The mirror welcomes the sight of her, getting ready with a night out with her friends, some club that they wanted her to try out and while in any other day she would have given up a night of dancing to stay at home and watch movies with Hyungwon, this argument is making her want to leave more and more.

His eyes roll, not magically, just because he wants for her to see that he is annoyed. “Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t realize that he is the one that made this Jooheon guy call you?”

She turns around at that, looking up and down his body as if to minimize him. The blue walls of the bathroom feel even more tense the more they stare at each other, all cladded in reminders of Hyungwon. His toothbrush, his hair products, everything that would otherwise have her feeling like she is at home, but now making her feel suffocated. “Hyungwon, stop trying to put me as the cheater here. One, I would never do that to you. Two, he would never do that. I know him—”

“Oh, excuse me, yes, I forget that you’ve known him for your entire life and that you dated for seven years, so I’m always expected to know how he is just so…nice and caring and would never do something like this.” Hyungwon speaks in his low voice, never losing that poise that represents him. “As if he wasn’t the one that pressured you into calling some stranger to see who your new man was—”

“Well, I didn’t complain when you mixed Hyunae up with me. How many times have you thought about her when being with me?”

“I have never.” Though, she can’t believe him, now nearing him, a little bit more of height when she is wearing her heels, breathing deeply when she takes a good glance at his eyes. They are bored, of course he’s never going to show his true feelings. “Just like how I am not oblivious that she was not that nice. She asked some stranger to break up with me, and Tsubasa is clearly trying to get you into the job because he wants you back.”

“And I, the whore in this situation, would definitely go back to him. Is that what you mean?”

“No,” Hyungwon whispers. “But you’ve loved him for so long—”

“You need to understand me here! It’s not about how much I love him but it’s about me and my job and how some motivational speaker job is not taking me anywhere!”

Silence, that’s what surrounds this moment when Hyungwon utters out a tiny: “It’s about how you’ve loved him, but we’ve been together for months and I feel like you don’t love me.”

When a glass shatters, people try their best to grasp it before it lands on the floor. However, gravity is stronger. This is how this moment feels like, staring at him and the blue walls, suffocating her, because this is what she has been doing all along. Suffocating and suffocating, trying her best to forget to the point she has never forgotten at all. Hyungwon, though meaningful for her and possibly someone she loves now, will never be quite as strong as she had once had felt. Maybe, that is what adulthood does to her, it wears her off.

“Baby, it’s not about that…” She tries to reason, reaching up for his face and cradling his face. “I do care for you.”

“Care?” Hyungwon asks, lifting his eyebrows before getting away from her. She closes the door behind her in a hassle, following after his steps as she speaks in loud words.

“Yeah, care! I do care about you.”

His fingers wrap around her coat, tossing it at her with a sigh, nodding towards the door. “Call me when you get there and make sure you don’t drink too much.”

“Hyungwon—”

“If you care so much about me, just go out for tonight and let me think for once.” He replies, opening the door for her and holding his hand out with weaving fingers. “So? I’m waiting.”

Uneasily, the straps of her heels slip across her skin, clicking against the flooring and expecting Hyungwon to say something, turning around just in time to kiss him on the lips, but it feels as though he is dead, paralyzed, unable to move when she mumbles a small: “I love you.”

But it’s meaningless, of course it is.

The club is packed, ready to have anyone on the dance floor, drinking, smoking, living the best part of their lives, but instead her friends and herself are seated by the bar, simply talking beneath themselves about the issues that have interrupted her trains of thoughts ever since she got inside the taxi. The city could never quite feel as loud as her thoughts are, trying to recall since when it had become a habit for her to lie and if she really, sincerely, with all the might in her heart, thought that Tsubasa was not behind Jooheon’s intentions. After all, it could be some subconscious matter that is trying to push her back to the home she had gotten so used to, the one that she has tried to destroy with all the intention in the world.

The words go past her lips, reminiscent of every single argument they’ve had. One because he had fallen asleep when watching a movie. Another one because Hyungwon claimed that she was hiding from him, hence not saying anything when she was feeling gloomy. The screen that she had created for the movie of her life is suddenly projecting everything that is wrong, no longer a happy movie the more she downs sips of water, her friend’s attention on her. The second-nature of feeling comfortable with each other is falling into the realization that they are not really serious with one another, a reason as to why anyone would feel insecure in a long-lasting relationship. One that aims to be so, at least.

“Men are so stupid!” Miwoo says in between a shout, the music making them speak a bit louder than usual. She moves her hair off her shoulders, showcasing trained and tight shoulders. “I remember I used to be with this guy when I was in Paris for university and I swear…that guy ghosted me after it became serious. Some guy obsessed with travelling, like he really didn’t give two shits about my feelings.”

She nods softly, feet moving under the counter the more she thinks about the fight that had just ensued in Hyungwon’s apartment. “And he goes on to blame me, like I spent seven years in a relationship and got out of it, that’s my story. He shouldn’t think I’ll go and cheat on him or something—”

Seola is the next to speak, looking around to the masses of people dancing. “Besides, haven’t you been complaining about how he is boring?”

“Not in most occasions…” The answer is protective, mostly because she doesn’t want anyone hurting Hyungwon, but the anger that she feels within her bubbles up with the need of an outburst. “Doah should know about this, it’s just what happens after being with someone for a while. He just doesn’t try anymore. He doesn’t…initiate anything, you know? He simply expects for us to fall into this routine, like we have to plan each moment of our week, rules and all.”

“Maybe, he’s comfortable with you.” Doah tries to reason, the one that has more experience—and good one at that—in relationships. “…Like, sure, he should try harder, but you knew he’s a simple guy. Maybe, he just doesn’t want to do outlandish things but he needs…normal stuff.”

“I’m okay with that, totally!” She replies, looking ahead before puckering up her lips and sighing. “But there needs to be some spice.”

Seola scrunches up her nose at that, groaning. “Oh my God, no. We’re not talking about that together.”

“Not that kind of spice, Seola.” She tells her, tapping her finger against her cheek, trying to come up with that answer of what Hyungwon lacks. He’s funny, even when he doesn’t try, the type to be a bit awkward and yet, somewhat sassy. He’s got attitude, and yet he’s respectful, a sobering experience with his own strict nature, but still calm and serious. She’s liked this for as long as she knows him, but now it’s getting to her nerves. “The kind…you know…the kind that makes me think I really love him.”

“Didn’t you say you told him you loved him for the first time today?” Seola asks, only to have Miwoo sighing.

“Seola, of course she doesn’t mean it.”

Doah is the one to scoff at that. “But why? You were the one that initiated this relationship on the first place.”

“…B—Because…he’s just…he’s…” She’s answerless, looking up at the ceiling in hopes of finding something in the lights. She used to think that forever’s just come in shapes of unexplainable beings, that when someone is speechless it is something to be proud about. She wanted to shut up so badly, thanks to her past relationship, that she now comes short on what she wants to say. “He’s just…Hyungwon, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

Doah, one to say things straight, shakes her head in the matter of seconds. “You’ll hurt him and he’ll hurt you.”

The hand of Miwoo lands against her head. “Don’t say that!”

“They are using each other to get over their exes. Of course, they are not going to find reasons to love each other.” The conspiracy theory that Doah is voicing out has her parting her lips in surprise…because, like, that really isn’t it, right? She smacks her red lips together, reminiscent of how much Hyungwon likes to see her in that shade. She’s over Tsubasa, she just needs to love Hyungwon now— “Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my best friends, but you need to stop lying to yourself. Hyungwon is in love with Hyunae, you’re in love with Tsubasa.”

“I’m not in love with him!” She replies, sincerity in her tone when she grips her chest. “I really don’t feel an ounce of love for him anymore…I don’t like him anymore, either. I just want to be happy.”

Seola, one that had been quiet for a little bit, rubs the back of her neck when she says: “And who’s to say that’s with Hyungwon?”

“Girls, attention,” Gaining the reigns of the situation once again, one of her legs crosses over the other to feel powerful when she takes her water bottle up to her lips. A sip, that’s all she needs, to relax and forget that this night ever happened. Tsubasa is clearly the bad one in this case…and herself, too, for simply forgetting Hyungwon’s feelings while hers were bursting in absolute delight of being able to go to that company that she has aspired to be part of. “Like, I just know Hyungwon’s the guy I like right now. The one I want. I don’t want to kiss, hug, learn to love or even have sex with anyone else but him. I know that, what I don’t know is what’s wrong with me or my body or my heart…because I can’t seem to tell him I love him as easily as I did with…”

“Tsubasa.” Doah replies, tilting her head to both sides to stop the ache on her neck. “Stop comparing him to Tsubasa and maybe, he’ll get the chance to be loved by you.”

With the weight of Seola’s hand placed on her shoulder, she sighs. “And if Hyungwon makes you happy, he makes us happy. We want nothing more than for you to let go of that toxic relationship and learn how to love someone that…just wants to fall into a routine with you, to love you for who you are.”

Though, it rips at her chest to know that she’s fearful, scared to move and hold him, just to show him that he’s worth of love, too. Perhaps, she was scared of risking another goodbye, another moment in which she’d have to say goodbye to the person she likes…simply because something doesn’t feel right. In this case, however, with the argument that happened this night, she feels as though she may be killing her own relationship, all with the distraction of wanting it to be so perfect…that she’d destroy it in a second without knowing.

The tight grin that caresses her cheeks is barely seen when she breathes out a small, softened: “…He does.” Because, no one would have treated her as nicely as he did, showing her that even the shades of her that were not happy were able to be loved, never pushing, never pulling…simply…being.

Is that kind of compatible with her, though?

Is anyone compatible with her, to start with?

###  

The record was beaten three days ago when Hyungwon and herself had broken up for the third time in their relationship.

The periods of time are never too long, if a week at most of being away, perhaps for some not considered as a break but for her…another reminder of why exactly they are not working out. Every day and every night, she questions herself more as to why she makes bad decisions. Why, in the world, is she laying on her couch with her eyes closed, wondering what exactly had gone wrong. Apparently, something within her still holds on to the past, and Hyungwon simply can’t stand with that one bit of insecurity that tells him he’ll always be good but never as good as…

Silently, she had done so, she had brought someone with beaming colors to be a dulling gray color. Now, looking up at her ceiling, the white colors of it being painted in memories, she realizes that her life shouldn’t always be yellow, like the Sun, either. She should have let herself grieve the break-up with Tsubasa, the ache of being used for so many years, let herself heal and love someone else…like herself. She should have looked for a grounding moment in her own hands, instead of having someone else grasping her with love. She should have simply respected the moment of silence that should have gone past after Hyungwon got broken up with, simply because lusting after a man that is probably going through a hard time is not exactly the best of decisions.

Not to say she does not enjoy spending time with Hyungwon, that kissing him in the morning is not the highlight of her days and reuniting with him by the street they always connect in is not one of the reasons she lets the mask of faux happiness fall for one that is more tranquil, because she loves all of those things. She loves when Hyungwon starts his sentences and suddenly shakes his head, as if his idea sounds ridiculous, or when one word from his lips is enough to have her laughing. Specially, she loves when his fingers slot with hers and when his plump lips press to her collarbone, her neck, as if making her shine with a simplistic touch of his.

Even when she argues with him for it, she loves that he continues with the rules…that he absolutely and wholeheartedly believes in going by the right line, but she hates him even more when after this break up, she hears his keys slotting through her doorknob, welcoming him inside her apartment.

Her eyes don’t break away from the ceiling, wanting her life to be blank—white, as if she had never done anything, but instead, she hears the sound of rustling, perhaps from a bag and the noise of Hyungwon’s knees creaking under his weight when he kneels beside her on the couch. His long fingertips splay on top of her stomach, calling for her attention with small pats when he calls her name softly.

It’s up to her to break this up, as it seems.

Because Hyungwon is a creature of familiarity and she is one to push forward, always going for the end-line, to think that happiness is always at the end of every story. This shows in the way he looks at her, months after their initiation as a couple, his plush lips pulled into a smile when their gazes connect, his hair shorter and seeking for her touch when he takes one of her hands in his and brings it up to his face.

“I brought some food for us. Japanese, from our favorite restaurant.” He tells her as a peace offering, and she really wishes she could care less about this situation, but his words alone have her sitting up and shaking her head. Her hands cloud her vision, covering her eyes when she takes some deep breaths. “Hey, I know we were fighting before and we said that we’d be breaking up but—”

“But we really need to, Hyungwon.” She replies, being in this place before and once again, ending it before it gets worse. Perhaps, she really has to work on herself—know, for once, that life is not always about looking to cover the bad with the good, but learning how to improve the bad, slowly but surely, accepting it before it translates into something better. The man is silent when she uncovers her face, looking at her before settling the bag down.

“I know it’s been difficult, but I really love you—”

“And I don’t think I can love you quite as much as you deserve to be loved.” Then, she notices the bouquet of flowers he laid over her coffee table and how the steam of the food surround them, staring at each other for answers when Hyungwon’s shaky and breathy sighs, eyes somehow looking more than monotone, give her an initiative that he is heartbroken.

“You’re being serious with this…” He replies, standing up and saving his hands in the depths of his pockets, looking at her as if she has grown a second head. “…I—”

“Hyungwon, I need you to heal. I need me to heal.” Though, this will only bring more pain, but it’s what’s right. What should have done from the beginning, wait and wait and wait until she was ready to love again. “Just—Listen to me for once. This isn’t about another man, or comparing you, or loving someone more. I feel like I’ve grown…I’ve grown to feel for you, but you don’t love me the way I should and I don’t love you the way you deserve.”

She takes him by the shoulders then, fragile under her hold, broken when, once again, Hyungwon is tossed to the side as if he means nothing. Walking him towards the door, she hears him speak softly. “Oh…I understand…”

The door opens, taking him outside before the tears that are willing to escape her eyes tell her to hold on to him, because only him had been open enough to love her, to understand her even when she was hurting, to let her play her little game of being happy when in reality…she hasn’t been fully in a while. “Just go before I kiss you, okay? I need us to end this tonight.”

Hyungwon looks over his shoulder, asking: “No more getting back together?”

And maybe, she’s a bit egotistic, because she leans forward and presses a fleeting kiss to his lips, wanting to remember the outline of his lips against hers, the way that skin seemed to be made for her…but not in the way it happened. “After this, no.” She tells him, looking at him with a plea in her eyes. “But we’re on good terms, okay? I just think it’s bad that we’re on and off again. I’ve gone through this; I know how it’ll end either way.”

“Alright.” He blinks for a moment, watching her when she closes the door on his face and in a brief second, she’s already looking through the peephole, watching the absolute drain of emotions in his face, eyes looking for solace, lips moving softly when he parts them. Once he turns around again, she watches his fists press onto the wall as if he’s lost a war, holding onto reality. It has been tough on him, broken up by the people he had grown to like, people he was in relationships with…but she’s thinking of how much more happiness she’ll give him once this is over.

Hopefully, there is some for him and some for her. They deserve it, even when it is by themselves.

It’s over.

###

Don’t do it.

But…

No, don’t do it. You’ll break his heart.

But…

When talking to her friends, it’s easy to play it off as some break up. It’s her talent, after all, to simply push her worries away…and some other times, she drops everything on them about how difficult it has been to let go of Hyungwon. Much more when, slowly but surely, she had grown to have some lovely feelings for him. The battle, or rather staring battle, between his contact on her phone have her sighing, pondering as to why she misses him so much…or why she hasn’t deleted his number…or why she feels a pang on her chest when all her pictures with him are deleted from his social media, but from hers it’s almost impossible.

This time at night, he’d still be up. This time at night, she’d be kissing his shoulder and watching a movie with him, helping him grade tests if she’s feeling like him. This time at her life, she’d be learning how to love him, slowly but like a waltz, like the ones she has always wanted to share with him. Reaching out for him would hurt him even more, and maybe she’s giving too much credit to herself by thinking of herself as a heartbreaker, but the reality is that she had broken her own heart too many times. She says she’ll get better, and finally, she does…but when she is on the way there, she always misses the past.

Always. Never. Ever. She has to get rid of those words.

…A text would not hurt, right?

Yet, contacting him again would have her holding onto something that was finished and he’d be the same way. She doesn’t want to burden him, to remember him of how hard he tried before it eventually came falling down—all because she saw the past more than she saw a future. Her fingers hover right above the delete button, images of the first time she saw him in person filling her brain. So kind, sweet, silently so, the one person that had given her more light from the Sun rather than shadowing her in the process. And they made a mess out of that, too much light until they got blinded by their desires of what they wanted out of their relationship.

Somehow, when she finally deletes the number, she thinks she can feel his lips pressing down on hers…or she wishes to be able to hold him, to make him feel loved as she should have loved him in the past, to run towards him and hug him in her arms. Yet, it’s too late. It’s time for her to love herself, rather than loving someone else.

But…

Is he tired?

Is he eating just fine?

Does he miss her, just as much as she misses him?

A sigh leaves her lips, rotating on her bed until she is looking out the window. The Moon blinks back at her, asking for them to be friends, to hold the night as if it is also beautiful enough to be loved and she comes to the conclusion that she only hopes for him to know that she tried. Hard. With all her might. With the love that she had grown to have for him but could never voice out properly in fear of ever…moving on.

In fear of him saying ‘goodbye’, only to be the one that ended up saying it.

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