#it’s genuinely sad. these are ppl we need to pray for

[aurynne]

“dni if you’re white” “dni if you’re cis” “if you’re a man you’re on thin ice” you let the whole internet know that you are hateful and miserable

#it’s genuinely sad. these are ppl we need to pray for #only on tumblr will u see this from grown adults #go on tiktok to see teens do the same thing #jordan speaks

[golbrocklovely]

sometimes i have to sit back and wonder... what are we doing here, as a fandom? like is all of this really worth it?

the absolute vitriol i've seen thrown around for snc since they started dating k and m is incredibly depressing. especially towards colby. it is DISGUSTING what some of yall (hi twitter ppl that stalk my account 👋) say about him and about m. and same thing goes for sam and k.

you claim up and down "oh i have a right to say what i want, it's just an opinion." no, you actually don't have a right to say whatever you want, and especially without ppl calling you out. but then you have the fucking nerve to ask why snc don't talk to us, why they don't post as often, why they aren't around as much as they once were. idk, maybe it's bc you guys are appalling pieces of shit that say the most idiotic and degrading things and then somehow expect those same ppl you make fun of day in and day out to want to talk to you.

i don't really understand your thought process and i pray i never do. bc if i'm that down bad, i would be the most miserable person on the planet, just like you are.

bc i'm telling you right fucking now, there is not a SINGLE thing snc or those girls have done to warrant this behavior. none of what yall are doing is right or justified. you are deplorable, inexcusable cunts who should have been called out well before now. the nicest thing i can do for you is block you, instead of making a long list of every terrible, miserable, shitty person in this fandom and calling each of you out personally.

let me tell you one thing: there are a lot worst things in life than being a girl with fake tits, lip filler, and an onlyfans account. there's a lot worst things in life than a guy that broke up with his long time gf. there is a lot worst things in life than being someone who has consensual sex with willing partners multiple times in his life. and there is a lot worst things than being kinda childish, into spongebob, and having quasi-clout chasing friends.

and i genuinely have to ask - even tho i know i won't get an answer and i know whatever answers i do get aren't reasonable enough - what about seeing snc happy makes you angry? what about seeing them in relationships makes you think "i need to complain about that" or "i don't like that"? why does seeing snc happy upset you? what does that say about you? bc you claim you love them and want what's best... but clearly you don't. bc why isn't happiness the best for them? why do you think you know better?

seriously. consider taking a second to step back and think "why does seeing snc happy make me upset?" how deeply insecure do you have to be to truly feel that? it's sad, really. bc this should be a fun time in this fandom. but i have never felt more embarrassed to be a part of it than i do right now.

some of you are full grown adults too! well beyond the years of "i just didn't know any better". what a sad, little life you must have lived all this time to think that this type of behavior is valid and acceptable. it's a shame.

#sam and colby #sam golbach #colby brock #personal #text #sg ll #cb ll #ask #i mean this wholeheartedly. i'm so disappointed.

[purpledisastertwin900]

Can we just-

Talk for a moment 

About these TWO DUM DUMS 

I CANT WITH THESE GUYS 

They are literally 

My favorite villains 

Ever!! 

(Along with Hypno but-) 

They are so silly! For example-

“We got bigger fish to catch!” “Bigger than us?! That hurts!” 

“We must stop finding recruits in ninja Chatrooms” 

The fact that they’re LJ stans and fangirl as such 

During snow day they respect the snowball fight and don’t engage 

“Whoa, what happened to you guys? Did some doctor cut you up into tiny lil pieces, and then put you back together?” 

In Mystic Library, they see the boys are on a mission and decide to mess with them JUST out of spite. They literally went and messed with teenagers bc the teenagers always messed with them. 

AND THEN they proceed to try to make Raph and Leo laugh so they get banished to the kiddie room by making the most absurd noises/faces known to man, Foot Brute completely fails and GETS banished FIRST, Lieutenant only takes Leo out before HE gets banished TOO-they just came to read I-😭

“Can’t you deal with this on ur own? I’m trying to get swole!”

And oh no it’s not just the sillies 

They are also??? So sweet?!?! 

In Hot Soup: The Game they spends most of it pushing/enabling Cassandra to complete her rite of passage by herself, they trust her to get it done, and when they go in to rescue her from the Mad Dogs it’s bc they were worried ab her. And when Cassandra was discouraged bc she didn’t finish the mission, Foot Lieutenant said “Do not be discouraged! The road to success is paved with miles of failure.” -this quote legit gave me goosebumps when I first heard it

And Insane in the Mama Train: 

When April asked either of them questions, they answered patiently and explained things instead of doing the usual evil guy Shtick and telling her to shut up 

April: “Where are you moving it?” *gets worried bc what if hes onto her* “……thank you! For asking! Ppl take VERY little interest in my work and I’m quite proud of it!!”

Then he pats her on the head. 

These two silly guys are so underrated, I NEEEEED more (hoping, praying, wishing for a season 3) genuinely I was so sad when they got Kraang’ed, petition to bring them back bc we need more wholesome villains in this world. 

#rottmnt #unpause rottmnt #i love these dorks so much #rottmnt foot lieutenant #rottmnt foot brute #rottmnt foot clan #BRING THEM BACK COWARDS

[cactuseri]

i feel like barbs death was the only one that was actually a good plot point back in season one, the rest of the likeable one-seasoners were just lazy writing.

they died so the writers could be like, hey guys look, a character is DEAD we're actually a serious show!! but without having to put any work into writing a grieving arc for the others. So somebody dies and they just go back to writing some silly jokes as if nothing happened, don't gotta put any thought into how it affects the main characters and shit, easy paycheck.

i think they genuinely just didn't anticipate eddie to be such a hit with the fanbase. I feel like they might bring him back lol.

(sorry for taking forever to answer this omg i typed like 3 paragraphs and then accidentally deleted everything and didnt feel like re-typing it 😭😭)

UR 100% RIGHT AND U PUT IT INTO WORDS SO WELL esp the fact that the characters seem to either forget abt the deaths completely or just very quickly (or they’ll just have like 1 character be sad for 3 seconds and they’re like yes we did a great job of portraying grief pack it up boys)

i’m praying ur right and that they 1. rlly just miscalculated how much ppl were gonna love eddie & 2. are willing to fix that mistake

also idk if im alone in this opinion but jesus christ u dont need to have a bunch of dead characters for ur show to still be serious/gritty/whatever. if they actually spent time on exploring the lasting trauma of, oh idk, seeing a horde of hell creatures with faces that open up and eat people — they’d still achieve the tone they’re trying to go for by killing lovable side characters left and right. does that make sense

#ask #stranger things #seri.txt

[jonathanssweatercollection]

JONATHAN!!! of course i've spent my time since finishing the season recently going through your blog, but just overall, i'd love to know what you thought about volume one?! especially the jonathan/byers of it all if you'd like to share!!!!!!! <3

sathana bestie hi !!!!!!!!! hope ur groovin <33

i typed a more lengthy response to this b4 nd tumblr just. nuked it so i’ll just say that while yes this season has numerous problems and bits that i’m not the biggest fan of (hello russia plot, hello stranger things’ patented oddly written bullying, hello stancybaitgate (no offence intended to my stancy mutuals lov y’all)) this season is a MAJOR step-up from s3. like a HUMONGOUS improvement tbh

highlights from the top of my head:

max’s storyline was done so much more respectfully than i was expecting and genuinely made me cry i love her so much

robin and nancy are soooooooo autistic and fruity this season it’s a blessing

murray and joyce being comedic besties (and making their storyline worthwhile)

eddie and steve are two different flavours of off the fucking walls and i love that for them

i love seeing el’s development as she grows up !!! i just wish that she didn’t get thrown into the deep end of high school

the gore effects this volume were simply chef’s fuckin kiss and greatly appealed to the deranged little horror fanatic in me

continuing on from that, vecna/henry creel was soooooooo creepy and cool i think he’s an awesome villain overall (and much better than some of the other human ones in the show 👀)

and finally. my boy. my bestest boy in the whole wide world. jonathan honeypie byers my fucking beloved. i’m glad that he had more of an introspective storyline than he had last season (and an unfair amount in s2 tbh) and we actually have scenes where he’s the primary focus (if only for a little while). i’m overjoyed he has argyle to be there for him, even if he’s a little misguided at times and doesn’t think things through, because jonathan needs and deserves ppl to be in his corner; he deserves a support system and ppl who care abt him. jonathan’s outfits have also slapped this season, loving all the fruity shirts he’s been wearing. and unpopular opinion maybe, but i also rly like his hair !!!! it’s like an overgrown shaggy version of his s1 hair which i appreciate immensely.

overall i wish that the cali storyline had more screentime (also more el too) in all honesty; i want more big brother byers moments!!!! also more joyce/family interactions, given that the s4 interactions between her and jonathan were limited and not super great. i’m also praying that the love triangle nonsense that’s been abruptly rehashed for s4 (which i’d thought we’d moved way past in season 3??? hello) doesnt shit all over his character development, same going for nancy and steve too; if we’re doing this then for the love of fuck please just give us stoncy. i know they won’t but like. please

rounding off tho, i don’t think that the og jonathan that likeminded jon stans prefer i.e the original characterisation of jonathan, from s1 (ya know: perceptive, responsible, sensitive, artistic, self-aware, passionate, ambitious, stalwart) would rly be very happy with this s4 variant. i’ve seen some ppl view some of his scenes where he’s high off his mind as kind of sad? and i can’t help but compare his lack of awareness and how uninvolved he seems (initially, that is) to how hands-on and “take charge” he used to be (i only put that in quotation marks bc i don’t think that phrase greatly applies to him the majority of the time, since he’s not rly your hopper-esque macho male protag). like when joyce asked him what was wrong with him when he was asking “what’s going on” and repeating the things told to him (processing brand new info under an already influenced mind ofc), that just keeps coming back to me as s1!jonathan asking the same thing to his current self ya know?? like idk if the two met i feel that s1!jonathan would be kind of disappointed in what’s happened to him, if not understanding of his s4!self’s circumstances and also kind of thankful that he’s not as on-edge. hm. much to think abt (or write a fanfiction about 👀)

anyways woah i don’t mean to natter on so much in this reply but i hope that, if it makes sense I mean, u like it or at least see where i’m coming from ?? it’s late <3

#thank you for asking bestie !!!!! i hope you’ve liked this season !!! #trulyalpha #stranger things #st spoilers #s4 spoilers #jonathan byers #replies #mine

[pynkii]

I crave interaction so bad. I'm trying to be better about it but oh my fucking God.

In a weird way I might actually be co-dependent? Like I crave interaction but I'm okay when I'm at home. But when I'm at home I wanna talk to ppl but I don't necessarily need them around me. But when I'm out I'm immediately kinda sad bc I wish I was WITH. People. Not just around them.

This is hard. I really don't like this. I hope this stops. The way I'm going through all my social media like itching for some kind of direct interaction. I come on here and post bc I want someone to say SOMETHING.

But it's like I can talk to my friends, but we all want the same shit but we can't get it from each other right now bc we aren't together. And the whole texting and being on the phone is really a drag.

I know I'm lonely. Idk. I just don't feel like it goes away. I keep telling myself it's bc I don't love myself. But like I do! I just want to do it w familiar bodies that make me feel safe.

Nobody here makes me feel safe fr that I'd actually wanna be around or can be around.

New genuine friend and a boyfriend. Do you know how many years I've prayed for that. Mostly I just want the experiences. Thats literally not a bad thing. But I feel like I'm asking for a bad thing. Ugh. I'm really really. Really. Tired of this.

#ramblings

[yyukhei]

Not saying it's true or isn't but for the Johnny thing, don't a lot of people feed those they're close to? I've seen a lot of idols share food with staff and I don't see what the big deal is. fttm0 is really asking for a slap, I don't even wanna be nice because someone like her does not deserve any kindness. Especially the amount of torment she's put YY and LC through. I don't know if this is from fttm0 or another ssng, but there was a photo of Taeil allegedly smoking but they put a huge emoji to cover something up and you can't really see Taeil fully or what he's actually holding. A lot of people think he's holding his phone and put it on speaker. That already makes that pic look suspicious and screams manipulation. The problem is that this photo was taken and edited to make it look incriminating(?)–not the word I'm looking for but the only one I can think of. I really can't fathom how former ssngs confess how they were normal before and grew obsessed. Like no, honestly I don't believe that. If that were true, then almost all fans would be this obsessed. These people have been bored since the beginning have since found an outlet to dim their boredom in fandom. They need fucking therapy and/or a nice orange jumpsuit. I'm sick and tired of these self proclaimed fans who are notorious for lying to defame their "faves". Ssngs are not fans. Not at all. They are parasites because once they get bored of that idol, they will move onto another to torment because they are simply bored. I fucking hate these people.

I agree 100% with everything you said. I just wish with everything in my soul that ppl would stop supporting these sasang, bc let’s be honest, if their stalking photos didn’t get thousands of likes and ppl didn’t eat up all the private info they drop (flight schedules, hotel bookings, etc) they would just get bored and do something else.

It’s no wonder these fake accusations and manipulated photos are treated as the truth only when it aligns with someone’s personal prejudices.

Why is it so hard to believe real fans are skeptical of accusations when Photoshop and Deepfakes exist? We seriously can’t just treat everything at face value just bc our moral instinct is always to trust the accuser. It’s innocent until to proven guilty in America for a reason. Because ppl weaponize anything they can against those they hate. It’s the sad reality of the world we live in now. It doesn’t make you morally superior in a court case if you always believed the accuser from the beginning. It just makes you subjective.

We have a serious issue in many countries where idols personal lives are treated as public entertainment. It’s not okay to harass and follow someone when they’re not working. That’s their private time to rest, even in public. And YES I understand how celebrities expect this kind of treatment, but what kind of career is one where your fans would literally try to rip the hair off your head to sell on Etsy later? (I’m referring to a Nicki Minaj incident) where you sign an autograph and it gets sold? Or you give someone something special you performed with and see it for sale later? Wouldn’t every interaction feel like a money grab? It would be extremely hard to feel a connection with fans when you don’t know who is genuine.

I saw someone got sent a misprinted version of Taylor’s new vinyl album and the comments were FULL of people saying to sell it for 8x the price she bought it for. Like why is that your first thought? You received something rare that makes you a unique fan, and ppls first thoughts were money?

Idk, there’s just something about fan culture that has gone so wrong. At least on tumblr, I remember YEARS ago that ppl refused to share paparazzi pics and anything leaked from a celebs personal life. But now not only are pap pics acceptable, but fansites photos run by sasang are as well?

I pray ppl start standing up for these idols before we lose any more of them.

#ask #answered #anon #johnny #taeil #lucasconfessions #lucas #Yukhei

[viviansternwood]

I respect your choice for your body, but I think that considering how traumatic and dangerous pregnancy and birth can be is important too. I had an ectopic pregnancy last year. When I first came into the hospital the nurse refused to give me painkillers bc I was pregnant. I wanted to kill myself it was so painful, I had to wait so long until another nurse came and I said I needed it, that I wasn’t planning of keeping them that please I am suffering so much. I had internal bleeding, i bled so much and had to have multiple doses of morphine and i still felt it. I had multiple internal ultrasounds and surgery and lost a tube and I’m still traumatised. The only reason I knew early enough Was bc I was getting an abortion. Both abortion and pregnancy can be traumatising. My mum had an abortion in the 80s, she never regretted it, they were already struggling with twins. My sister bled during her pregnancy, had placental detachment and emergency c section. She struggled with post natal depression. Both are hard choices for our bodies. I’m terrified of becoming pregnant again because my risk of ectopic is higher. If you view pregnancy as a little life, okay I get that. I mourn my pregnancy bc I wish it could have been another time, a safer time for them. I mourn it bc I know it was never going to grow in my tube. But I was their mother, I wanted to choose what was best for them, and for me- especially me, bc I live my life and I am the one who can think, decide, who will feel this. I am the one to live with the consequences, and this is not a life I wanted to bring them into. Maybe I’m selfish bc I didn’t want to suffer through pregnancy and birth and give up my child to ppl for a better life bc that would hurt. Then I’m selfish and I suffered anyway, and maybe some ppl feel I deserved it. But that’s my choice to be. But I never got a choice, really. I didn’t get to choose to terminate, I didn’t get to choose to keep. Pregnancy is pain, whether you keep it and go through 9 months, birth trauma is real but if you want that baby it’s worth it. Choosing to abort is pain, but preventing the pain of birth and pregnancy or changing your whole life makes it worth it. I agree it’s sad and awful if women who want their babies feel like they have no choice, but why is important. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. But there is no choice to undo pregnancy and so every choice is hard and painful. But at least there is a choice to choose your trauma, choose what is more bearable and makes sense for you. I just don’t think it helps anyone to make women feel like bad people for that. It hurts so much when I come across ectopic misinformation that dismisses the life or death situation I was in, that I’m maimed now and any pregnancy is high risk for me. I’m on an ectopic forum and most women on there are trying for a baby, and pro life ideas that they could have somehow kept their babies just re traumatise them, and me, bc it’s not true and the guilt and shame is not deserved. Women condemn themselves already, I don’t think this is making the world a better place. I gotta be honest, seeing what you wrote really triggered me as I scrolled past. I’m not condemning you, I understand how you feel bc I felt that too when I was pregnant. I’m trying to explain that we should be compassionate at all lengths. Maybe someone like me will also read what you say and it will hurt, and I’m not saying that to hurt you, only for you to consider. I’m not saying to change how you feel, I’m only asking you to consider how you put things and how that might make all woman feel. And if it makes them feel things that they have felt and struggled with themselves, is that helping unborn babies? Or is it just hurting a vulnerable group of people who never had any good options in the first place.

God, nonny, I’m so sorry for everything you went through. Your story is why I still think it’s important to talk about these things, because abortion is often something done out of desperation, when the woman involved feels like there’s nothing else that can be done. And of course, in your situation, if any pregnancy is high risk, of course it had to be terminated, but again, to save you, not to just kill them.

I don’t know if you believe in God or not but Catholics believe that all unborn babies go to heaven. So I’m just going to hope and pray that you do get to meet them there one day.

I’m sorry my words were difficult for you to read. I never wanted to cause you or anyone any pain. I agree that it is important to not only say the right things but also to say them in the right way, and I apologise if I failed at that. I’m going to do my absolute best to improve.

I would never condemn you, nonny. I’m not saying this to seem like I’m on a high horse, but I genuinely mean it. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and I’m sorry you and your family had to go through these awful things. I wish I could take your pain away.

I love you, nonny, and I will pray for you. Please forgive me for any pain my words caused you.

#asks #anonymous #pro life #catholic tag #catholic #nonny is right #I need to be softer about these things

[neonwizardheehee]

personal rant & brain dump bc I’m listening to bigbang and feel emo:

so i have a few topics that are circling my mind thus this will get messy (as usual hahaha)

- music as I said I’m listening to bb and the way I wanna cry??? mainly bc i miss my sis talking about them and being all happy and proud.. and just her in general v.v I feel like i overdid her with kpop and that doesn’t feel good. i was supposed to be the baby but i got too invested and now i am so damn invested i scare her :((( it makes me so sad :( but idk how to stop.(current mood & playing: let’s not fall in love) 

 - romance the new girls i met here are so different from the friends i have bc they are extroverts. i never had extroverts as friends before so i feel blessed now. we only met recently but they already were so open to me about things no one ever told me. like 3/4 girls i met talked to me about their first time and BOI i was so glad that we casually talked about it bc my other friends wouldn’t do that in a million years bc they are too shy. it really felt good. also no one judged me which was very reassuring. albeit me feeling a bit dumb bc i couldn’t really add to the convo but apparently I get better at listening ig? also that made me think that sex and dating shouldn’t be such an “important” topic as it is with my friends before. one friend sees it as an achievement to have a s/o but doesn’t talk about it or either brags (kskssk giiirl that’s so funny yet annoying XD yes u can be proud of your boi and brag bc i’m here for that bc i’m just so happy for you but ... not at random moments XDD). this made me realize how ppl refer to their s/o when talking to others. bc my friends who are very chill with their relationship always say their name while said friend (and ofc some others where having a relationship is important) always say “my bf/gf” or “ex” when that specific info is not relevant to the story they are telling XD

anyways it also made me realize how BAD i am with talking about my own feelings and wishes. since talking about my worries feels like complaining and i am good at that - but it feels random and uninteresting for anyone to hear i think to myself (it prob isnt). i feel so smol when asked about that topic and all i wanna answer is “???”. even if there is no pressure. idk why I’m like this and it makes me feel sorry for the people around me :( I’m so confused and idk what the question is. i can do better with writing but idk why but i wanna find out one day hahah. maybe i should just ask my new friends for advice since they are not judging me and i trust them and want to learn to be better with that. altho there’s this thought that I’m uncapable of love which frightens me a lot. I know i’m okay without it and i don’t mind but i feel so sorry for the people who like me? it also might be natural and I’m just stressing myself over nothing so idk what to ask and do -since you can’t force love right? i mean i don’t really believe in love at first sight i guess but rather spending time with that person and liking them a lot. so id why I’m pressuring myself so much with this :( maybe i am just too scared? or maybe i am anticipating too much? it all could be possible bc for everyone love is different and every relationship is different. so it’s mostly me feeling sorry for not giving back as much as i should and could :( - that’s also the reason why I’m so pro polyamorus relationships bc I know I’m not enough and idk how and if i want to fix that bc idk the rules bc there are none hahhaha - but also that makes me feel good bc i know i’m not responsible for someone’s happiness. i am too egoistical and these thoughts work as a self-protecting mechanism I KNOW that’s why i do this. so i’m not stressing myself even more. i just feel so unfairly precious when someone genuinely praises me when we’re just two ppl and no one else :( might be bc i don’t understand that feeling yet. i def want to know that but also i’m scared that it’d take me down a road where i loose myself (for some foolish reason idk why). so in the end ig I keep trying and get used to that (i already made loads of progress this year so ig i shouldn’t feel like I’m being too slow)

- studying okay so next topic is also just me feeling like i do too few. this week went quite okay and i managed to study on out study server everyday (ofc i had my bad days but i still at least smth). well yesterday i hastily did some vocab and then teh whole day i spend with friends & kpop... like LITERALLY until the night. a friend of mine was proud of me for taking a break (me too yesterday) but today i don’t feel good about that :( i missed so much. i’m scared it’ll kick me out of my study routine (since it was so hard to get my ass down to study itself!). i really want to be the person who’s studying every day and feel good about that. so since i have another thing planned today i don’t think i’ll get much done today as well :(((( i just wanna be a wise guy who knows a lot T.T i already made progress i know but... i want more.. i really wanna do well here and not be stuck behind like i was for the past 6 years :( i wanna have ambition again and not just pass... i kind of hope i can manage to study at nights on days like this but also i need my sleep so i stil have to find a solution for that. bc even tho i regret not studying as much i don’t regret hanging out with people. that’s smth i missed out in my first semester and so important in times like this were I’m stuck on my own. 

- religion so i have one christian friend here and yesterday we talked about church services and stuff like that and it was cool learning how it’s with her bc she goes to a very modern church (instead of me going to a traditional one 4 times a year). Suddenly i got sad tho and felt like crying :( even tho she was just stating her opinion i felt attacked and wanted to cry. after some thinking i think it’s just the way we are used to talking about religion bc we both grew up in an area where religion is looked down onto. for me .. i turned to myself and made up my own thoughts and beliefs bc i am too scared to talk and ask someone about it bc of all the accusations around me. religion was not smth to be discussed and only smth for yourself and maybe your family for me. the girl had to fight her way through all the “churches are old and fucked up and scary” things and since she goes to a modern one has good reasoning against them - that’s perfectly understandable and I’m so proud of her for speaking up like that. but like... it hit me on thw wrong side bc i am used to these old traditions and kind of like them even :( so it felt like she was insulting me. even tho she wasn’t.  i just dont know how to talk about religion and how to practice reading the bible or praying and hearing her talk about how she does all these things.. makes me feel invalid :( it’s like the only thing that i have is that i was raised a christian. but y’know for me it was okay since i learned in school not to practice or show my religion.. so idk how to do it... and i feel baby and sad if i have to ask her for some reason. i tried to look up this on the internet but ofc everyone is even more crazily involved there and it scares me SO much. so i unfollowed everyone hahah. i also have this one podcast but i still feel bad bc i’m not able to really read the bible on my own ig :( these days I’m just blaming it on the translation that i have but deep down i know it’s me who’s not able to ask questions at the text. maybe i should try to talk to someone... my sis who’s also in the same situation as me... or said girl to take me along and feel like a complete newbie and a little bit like an outcast bc religion for me is so different than to her.

- christmas i really enjoy the christmas spirit but i also already wanna cry if i think about gifts. i hate that i have so many people i love and will prob get smth from them so i have to make smth in return. i am overwhelmed and scared already. i didn’t even make a list yet T.T feels like i should block time to figure out gifts in my schedule bc I’m just putting it off more and more :( and also i already feel sorry for everyone bc they will get shitty gifts bc I’m so bad at this :(

#now i feel drained and want to cry in your arms just bc #what am i so gloomy for today? #anyways sry if you read this #i truly am sorry #NOT @ SPOTIFY FOR PLAYING BABY DON'T CRY #not okay i just

[descending-lotus]

I'm back 

still ex-Muslim

still dealing with bipolar-depression anxiety, PTSD 

still has no genuine friends. and when is say no friends I mean no friends at all. non-existent.

still very sad and lonely inside even though i have an amazing boyfriend. 

did i mention my bday is tomorrow and i turn 26.  

I've been dealing with my failing mental health since 15. 

I'm fucking sick and tired. tired of being misunderstood, being judge people assuming I'm stuck up b/c i don't talk as much. im tired of holding anger and letting the toxic habits i formed over the years to cope with everything, take over myself as a person. i need to re-find myself, my self-interests, my creativity, my hobbies... im especially fucking tired of me being meek, shy, not confident, always telling myself im ugly, not worth it, fat etc. im so tired of CARING WHAT OTHER PPL THINK OF ME!!!!!! CONSTANTLY SEEKING APPROVAL FROM OTHERS WHO DONT get a fly shit about me. 

I'm ready to change. I want to change. i want to be the best version of myself. life is fucking short and idk how long I will be on the planet. so far I haven't lived to my fullest and that scares the shit out of me b/c I can be gone anytime. I'm not promised time. that's the one thing we are not promised... time. I've wasted a lot of my time pleasing others, caring what others think of me, self-doubting myself not showing up in my life. i have all this hurt trama anger resentment sadness I repressed for years.... letting it fester into something toxic. making me a negative person. a person that have toxic traits..... im not this person. I don't want to become a bitter negative person.... the rest of my life. ppl can feel that energy. ppl feed off of that energy. I'm not mean, I'm far from mean. i just deal with things differently from normal ppl and that causes ppl to stay clear from me. in the issue. ambrosia is always sad, doesn't smile, not talk, always gets aggravated quick. 

IM FUCKING SORRY THAT IM SUCH A FUCK UP!FUCK  YOU, YOU, AND YOU. FOR NOT TAKING THE TIME TO REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. 

BUT WHO AM I? IM NO ONE SPECIAL. wHY WOULD ANYONE CARE ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY WHAT i M FEELING?  EVERYONE IS SOO OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY AND WHAT REALLY MATTERS. 

 i feel soo hard. i love so hard. i cry so hard. i can't control my emotions. my emotions control me. ppl say oh pray it away, or just be happy, like its a choice. yes happiness is a choice but its hard when i have been feeling like black waste of space since i was 14. I truly cannot recall when is the last time i truly loved myself, was truly happy. not fleeting happiness because I got paid... but sustainable happiness... happy with myself.... it that saddens me soo much. because i ask myself: WILL I EVER BE HAPPY? 

I'm tired of letting my mental shit get in the way of me living my life

i want to heal

i want to grow. 

#mental disorder #mental health #depression #bipolor #no friends #healing #spirituality #blackgirlmagic #personal rant #therapy #anxiety #social anxiety

[kara]

i made 2 comments but i need ppl to relate 2 me. i feel that way towards jimin a lot because he’s clearly stated his low self confidence and thats been going on for years,,, yea we can write fan mail and tell him to take care of himself but will he rlly take that to heart? its like when you’re sad and the only ppl capable of cheering you up are those close to you and army is certainly not that. we could just,, hope for the best and pray he’s doing great and that sucks a lot.

yeah. being an idol is stressful beyond belief in ways none of us common people could even begin to fathom. having millions of impressionable young fans as well as haters watching you like hawks and monitoring your every move literally every waking hour of the day must be exhausting, to say the least. not to mention, having to spend literally the vast majority of your teenage and twenties years in the recording or dance studio, doing take after take of a line or repeatedly messing up a difficult move in a choreography. knowing that there are people who genuinely appreciate them and are inspired by the hard work they put out, along with the few times a year (if that) of being able to see their parents and other loved ones must be all that they can cling onto to be able to move forward, some days. they have truly gifted the days of their youth to us.

#i think about these things a lot and i hope i'm being at least somewhat coherent #ji-hei

[the-casbah-way]

Here’s a Tag :3

I was tagged by @donttalktomewhenimreading thank u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ik this is so long but cba putting a read more in soz

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

im not tagging twenty bc fuck the police but i always tag the same ppl so just do it

THE LAST

1. drink: idk im in my room but i cant leave bc i have so much work to do and if i do i’ll get distracted pls send help ive forgotten what liquid is 


2. phone call: my pal big daddy dave 


3. text message: i think the same person 


4. song you listened to: no clue lmao 


5. time you cried: yesterday but a guy gave me a permanent marker to do eyeliner with so it didnt smudge but i only did a little bit bc i was scared but its all good bc it came off 


6. dated someone twice: i guess but idk what my life is


7. kissed someone and regretted it: YES lmaoooo

8. been cheated on: not that i know of lmao but probs

9. lost someone special: it’s my entire villain origin story so yes ?


10. been depressed: have you met me

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: who do you think i am  3 FAVOURITE COLOURS

12. PINK 13. yellow 14. idk man

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

15. made new friends: yea! fuck knows how tho!

16. fallen out of love: u avin a giggle

17. laughed until you cried: yea like every five seconds

18. found out someone was talking about you: yea but not in a bad way..im sure they have been tho lmao


19. met someone who changed you: big daddy pollitt

20. found out who your friends are: i already knew bc im woke

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yea tryna work my way thru the lot feel

GENERAL

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: like almost all of them

23. do you have any pets: i used to :(((((


24. do you want to change your name: kinda but i dont use it as much now so idm


25. what did you do for your last birthday: i genuinely cant remember but im sure it was wild

26. what time did you wake up: no clue probs bout 7/8 


27. what were you doing at midnight last night: praying of course


28. name something you can’t wait for: i could use this opportunity to make a really edgy joke but im not going 2 be that gal 

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like five seconds ago she threw a melon at me

31. what are you listening to right now: the sound of time running out god i will die in this place

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i had a dream i was on a train w tom jones can i count that thks

33. something that is getting on your nerves: literally everything woops


34. most visited website: idk 

35. hair colour: blonde boyz rule the world

36. long or short hair: BOY she long (i need 2 get it cut urgently its becoming an issue)

37. do you have a crush on someone: cringe lol

38. what do you like about yourself: next question lol

39. want any piercings: i was gonna get my seconds done but our school r being right crazy about it and sending ppl home who have more than one piercing lmaooo.....i also kinda want to get an eyebrow piercing bc my cousin has one and it looks killer but my doctor said i shouldnt get piercings bc of my skin/allergies and i ignored her and my ears were infected for a year lmaoo

40. blood type: idk i asked mabel but she didnt say

41. nickname: big bopper how many times do i have to tell you

42. relationship status: mentally dating james spader, irl repulsed by everyone

43. zodiac: aries

44. pronouns: big/bopper

45. favourite tv show: all of them! :) 

46. tattoos: none but i want one....but like....a rlly small one...a little star or anchor or sth cute...no biggie....but i wanted it on my ankle and we wear tights 2 school so they’lll see and kick me out and i need ma grades lmao

47. right or left handed: right bc im mainstream


48. surgery: WHAT ABOUT IT

49. piercings you have: just earrings

50. sport: im rlly sad bc the only sports im actually good at are tennis and badminton and kinda golf and football and the weather is too shit for most of that


51. vacation:what

52. pair of trainers: why do ppl call them trainers theyvee not trained you in anything don t give them credit for sth they havent done

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: pussy (insert laugh track)

54. drinking: i drink 2 forget but i always remember

55. i’m about to: nut

56. waiting for: a reason2 be ablive

57. want: A REASONT O BNE ABLIVE


58. get married: i love weddings and dresses and pretty things but like getting married?? no lmaoo fuck outta here 


59. career: i literally want to do everything

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: please do not touch me girl

61. lips or eyes: eyes but when u like someone then u look @ their lips youre like hey there

62. shorter or taller: taller
 i guess

63. older or younger: depends what we talking bout


64. nice arms or nice stomach: personality am i right ladies

65. hook up or relationship: nothing fills the void


66. troublemaker or hesitant: dont b hesitant its boring


HAVE YOU EVER

67. kissed a stranger: dk


68. drank hard liquor: NEVER GAIN


69. lost glasses/contact lenses: i lose them every day lmao


70. turned someone down: turn down for what

71. sex on the first date: ive only been on a date once i think...like a proper date...and no

72. broken someone’s heart: yes but its the price you got to pay for looking this fly


73. had your heart broken: i break it myself. in lots of mundane little ways. my dad taught me if you want something done right do it yourself 


74. been arrested: talk to my lawyer bitch

75. cried when someone died: yeaboy

76. fallen for a friend: idk i dont understand feelings at all and it scares me

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

77. yourself: who he 


78. miracles: you sexy thang

79. love at first sight: no 

80. santa claus: why would u ask that he real

81. kiss on the first date: u do you


82. angels: i didnt til i saw steve buscemi

OTHER

83. current best friend’s name: idk i dont categorise my friends

84. eye colour: like bluey grey i think but idk i dont look into my own eyes

85. favourite movie: dont ask i’ll die

#tag #my best yet #ive hit peak #yet again

[loserlarz]

using my sideblog to complain:

im so fuckin tired of everything right now. im tired of being nervous about college, I'm tired of classes, im tired of people asking me when ill do graduate school when i haven't even graduated from my first round of college? i haven't drawn anything good in like two weeks. everytime i start working on something i get bored or uninspired. on TOP of all this i STILL HAVE BOOBS and i still can't drive. im taking lessons more frequently but im still terrified and disconnected when driving. i can't concentrate for shit. AND ONCE AGAIN I STILL HAVE BOOBS. which is really putting a damper on things. also im going on a hot weather vacation with my family so bring on the body dysmorphia on top of the regularly scheduled disgust.

really my biggest complaint is that i barely get to see my best friend. it's so hard because it feels like just yesterday we were together 23 our of 24 hours a day everyday. now i barely see him 2 days out of the week which is fucking terrible. he's the only person that makes me feel genuinely worth anything and everything is okay when he's around.

so, yeah. currently im just mediocre and disappointing. and kinda sad.

it's also kinda hard feeling like im 17 again. im living at home and every other day it feels like my dad is reminding me that being gay is just the worst thing. ive never regretted or wanted to change the way i am, but i just feel so tainted hearing him talk abt gay ppl. i hate feeling like i have measure my actions on a "is it too gay" sliding scale

i wish i could just talk to my family without feeling like i need to put on a whole character. i pray they'll just like me for me one day.

[celestialallstars]

Episode 11: “The odds are against me but I’m gonna make it....” - Loris

FUCK YOU MATT. FUCK YOU JACK. FUCK YOU STEPHEN. FUCK THIS CAST. YALL LYING ASS HOES SUCK MY FUCKING NIPPLES

Right now, I've got a mixture of feelings. On one end, I guess the tribal showed were some people's loyalties lie, but on the other I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit much. Like everybody in this game has literally lied and like I don't know, I understood Jack and Matt's frustration but it was a big yikes to see it get so tense and everyone get worked up. Like had my laptop not shut off, I would have likely snapped tonight and I think I'm seeing the good and the bad of things right now and it's just...a mess. Not to mention the 8 man alliance couldn't get it together until the 11th hour.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Matt is finally gone, and this time we pulled it all off to keep him until Jared fucking pulled out an idol. How did he even know it was gonna be Chloe anyways? Man. I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't have played it had Matt and I shut our mouths but I think he would've anyways. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't let him lie again in public about that I had to expose him. Now he's got no idol, he's got few allies (I think), he's totally vulnerable and I pray to god we get him in the next 2 rounds.

It just occurred to me that I had a part in the chaos tonight. Stephen was already worried about the vote, but if I don't talk to Jack/Mitch then none of the last minute plan to vote Chloe happens I feel or gains as much momentum, then half the craziness that happened tonight at tribal does not happen at all....I saved Steph but at the cost of seemingly having Jared cost his game.

________________________________________________________________

I'm really drained at the moment between the school stuff and this game and now Jared claims my name was around for this round, or at least it was Bryce's plan. It did not phase me because I already wanted to go against Bryce/Zach but now it at least gives me another reason. AS of all of the craziness, my gut told me to try and stick it out with Michael/Chloe. I believe that between Rhys/Bryce/Zach's sketchiness, Jack just being himself, and Loris, I'd rather just try things out with the others. At this point, I'm kind of over a lot of the BS that people keep trying to sell. Having that said, I firmly believe that things need to get outted tomorrow unless we attempt a full on blindside.

I keep checking my messages as though someone wants to talk to me. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Sooooo YESTERDAY WAS A DAY!

It started off so simple, Matt seemed to be the target for the majority alliance and Michael/Chloe didn't seem very interested in keeping him around. So I came up with a scheme that I think may have tied into someone else's scheme. But I didn't know it at the time. ANYWAYYYYY...

Matt's going home, but I don't want to vote him. Why? Because I wanna strengthen my relationship with Jack, so I approach both of them to talk about things and figure out who they're voting for. Matt was very antagonistic and I figured out this is because he heard I was saying his name, which was true! I get them to say a name they'd rather have taken out, and it's Chloe. Sure. Me and Chloe barely talk tbh. So I essentially go around getting pissy about wanting to vote Chloe instead of Matt to my alliance because I need to sell it anddddddd........

They... Want to vote her out? SKDJSKDKSKSKSKSKAKSK

Ummmm this wasn't the plan! Everyone except Loris and Jared want to do it. Okay. Whatever. I'm too deep in now to flip back, sorry Chloe!

THEN JARED PLAYS THE IDOL SKSKDKDMSKSKSKSKSSM

Ok but why didn't you use that idol to save Mitch hm?

Sketchy bitch.

Soooo I hear afterwards that Zach and Bryce had a chat with Jack and Matt and apparently they might have wanted to vote Chloe anyway????? But then why let the vote be Matt for the entire day? When we all would've voted Chloe if they just said her name originally? And now Jared also has a chat with Chloe and Michael? Worst allies ever.

Idk Zach and Bryce are sketchy and I've known that since the Mitch vote. Maybe they should watch their backs in the near future ......

First off I was SO happy for Loris! It would have been nice to immunity, but I know with all of the distracting things I had for the day that I did good with the few hours I had. This makes me wonder if it will continue a trend I see in a lot of orgs where I begin to place in the top 4 a lot in the late game. Only time shall tell. Going into this tribal, I for once feel great. Making a new alliance with Loris/Michael/Chloe/Jared all the while keeping Stephen in the loop. I'll still smile and wave in the 13th, three kings, literally any other chat but as far as I'm concerned, I'm ridding my hands of that. Hope its not too early to feel good (it is)

________________________________________________________________

So I did some thinking and for a bit I had a feeling me or Bryce would get 10th. This was just because Karth came in 20th and Kori in 15th, which had to mean one of us would come in 10th and the other in 5th. Time to see how accurate this prophecy is

Day 25......... gross. So disregarding the challenge because yikes the whole game seems to be flipped on and the best part is that I don’t put myself forward as a target and Jared and Chloe are seen as this tight duo so I expect them to be targeted over myself. However chris and loris both expressed disappointment in how the game has been progressing and Bryce and zach both came to me to strategise so hopefully I’m in some sort of power position in the game however chris has pulled this before where he’s so sad he didn’t get his way and so disappointed and nothing has changed so right now my focus is on how to get myself forward in the game with hopefully more to come and Bryce will hopefully be eliminated this round.

Soooooo I had to abstain from the challenge for work but that's okay. I don't think I'm the target anyway.

The biggest news is that Jared has added onto his old group of Chloe and Michael to create a new majority. One that is planning to overthrow the old one in the near future. Based on what Chris has told me, the additions are himself and Loris.

The issue is, based on what Jared has told me, that Loris wants to wait one more round before locking things down. I see why he'd want to do this. Jack could easily slip through the cracks of the impending majority vs. majority war and that puts him within reach of an easy win at FTC in my opinion.

Jack might actually go home unanimously if things keep up like this. It'd be sad, because I just really started putting work into my relationship with him recently, but it really doesn't seem worth it when, even if I save him, I'll likely be targeting him within 2 or 3 rounds anyway. Cyrena? More like, sayonara.

Of course, if last vote is any indication, this can all change in a couple of minutes! So who the fuck knows. There's still 3 hours until tribal and if I can convince the 5 in power to pull their move now I wouldn't mind it at all.

hi!! ok so like... I won immunity??? and it was a creative challenge???? I’m so shocked and proud of myself I rlly tried to snap and things went wrong but I still SNAPPED!!! and now I made single digits oh my god!!! like... 9th or above I’m so happy with but of course I’m gonna win anyways. so. I suggested an alliance with me chloe Chris michael Jared to Chris and Jared and now it’s a real thing and like.. we just need to get people to vote jack for themselves and then we can run the game perry add. That could be a serve. I genuinely feel like I’m in a rather good spot this game I don’t think anyone should want to vote me out except stephen  maybe??  jack is hard to read because I’m not sure he talks To that many people ... idk... also oh my god so I just need to survive 3 more tribals and then I can play my legacy.... and like I’ll be so proud of myself if I get to do that. both seasons I find the legacy in round one(?) and I manage to hold onto it until the final six both times ?? like.. the odds are against me but Im gonna make it....

girl idk. i feel in danger because of lack of talk. everyone wants jack out. id prefer chloe. the only votes we can get are bryce, rhys, jack and myself. loris is dumb. HE WONT idk. jareds legit playin super well and good for him but ppl needa wake up and start knockin off his +1’s so hes easier to take out in the future. but who cares. these people are gonna end up lettin like jared or chris win .. and good. i suppose they deserve it.

im just super tired. partly due to this game but partly because of irl factors... so i just cant go chaotic. its so fun but soooo draining, and its hard when everyone leaks things and jared wants to be dumb and idol. it wasnt dumb. im petty. its real dumb.

im just trying to get ppl on my side but it seems so hard NNNN so . we’ll see

My names going round again 🤠

Ever since I played the idol on Chloe (which was indeed an in the moment decision), I feel a lot better about my spot in the game.

I revealed basically everything to Chris. There was very little that I left out. I told him about the F2 with Bryce, and my motivations behind every decision so far.

Sometimes overbearing trust comes out of overbearing promises. I still need someone to have my back no matter what, so being open with Chris was necessary. I still will try my best to keep Bryce in the game. I need them to war with each other because it will be a long term buffer for me. In terms of F3 plans, I'm not sure. I have options between Chris, Rhys, Chloe, Michael, Stephen, and Loris. I wouldn't mind staying true and taking Bryce as far as I can, but eventually his number will be up and I think that will be better for my chances to win anyways.

Today I finally pulled the trigger and Chris and I put together this 5some of him, Chloe, Michael, Loris, and myself called "starpower."

I will have to be cheeky with Chris to stay in a better spot than him, because he doesn't have strict promises with Bryce as far as I know.

Tonight Jack will go home which was Loris' call. I think it's fine because either way next round Stephen will want a big target out and he needs me to make it happen. I want that target to be on Zach, because I think Zach is the current frontrunner to win, and I think voting him will suit Stephen.

With that being said, it will take a smooth game from hear on out to not be a total goat. I'll try my best.

Feeling very strange about this vote. It's another sort of last minute vote, we've all kind of agreed to do a hard reset and vote Chloe again, but now that I've seen one idol play I can't help but feel like there's another coming, and this time it'd directed towards me potentially. I think I'm gonna propose possibly splitting votes just to cover our bases, because I do feel like Jared and Chloe are now gonna want to target me for no reason other than it's convenient.

If someone idols Jack tonight I’m gonna scream 🤡

So, I wanted Chloe gone this round, because I'm scared she will just float through this game and take a spot at the end. Which is exactly what is happening this vote. People want Jack instead so here we go. Haven't been too active so couldn't have gotten the numbers. Sad times.

Hi so the vote seems to be on  jack which is a little bit anti climatic because everyone was like let’s make a move and then boom jack goes like I thot we were going after bryce zach or rhys but I guess not? Anyway I hope im not being played by bitches right now and people stick to their words. Or at least vote jared/Chloe out

________________________________________________________________

The thing that makes me most nervous going into tribal is that it makes strategic sense for Stephen not to vote with us and instead vote out Jared who’s a far bigger threat than Jack but hopefully the fear of a tie will mean that he makes it 6 and I hope he realises that I’m ok with going against Jared sksksksksk.

THIS game is so sad liek nothing i want happens ppl are just not wanting to do what i want and thats so unlike my first season KJFHDASKJ i just want total control and someone to run the game with but jared is so annoying and is trying to work with the ppl who will vote him out bc hes such a big threat like girl pls just let me have my way and i wont cut u at 4th! im still fuming over the idol play like who does he think he is playing it without letting me know thats all i ask i literally feel pathetic trying to work with him when he clearly has chris/loris/chloe interests ahead of me

________________________________________________________________

Jack is voted out 8-1-1. He becomes the third member of our jury.

Watch Jack’s exit interview take place below:

#shinebright #episode

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #2: “I have no material for a confessional” - John

Cole got voted out? Who is Cole? Oh the one who proclaimed that "the real bitch has arrived"...bye.

Ok so now that Cole is gone, my next target if we lose I think Bryce should be next. The tribe shoulda known what would happen when me and Nick got put together :) only the inevitable tribe swap can screw this up.

So I have no idea who that first boot guy was, but rip the first of many people!  I hope to not follow him out the door anytime soon lmfao...

This challenge looks like it'll be fun and brain blasting, but I'm so bad at everything, so we shall have to see how I perform!  I really want to thrive in this pre-merge portion and not only form alliances but also show that I can do a challenge for my tribe and do it well!

Hi! I’m Nicole! I’ve been doing so terrible in this game so far, I already got a strike for not submitting a confessional and also abstained from last immunity. I absolutely HAVE TO pull my weight this round or my tribe is gonna hate my guts. I love Alice in Wonderland so I’m sad that I am doing so pooorly but hopefully I still have time to turn it around.

I did the challenge and i hope i did well enough to give us points to win immunity. Dont really want to go to tribal. I really like my tribe. It is time tho to have somewhat game talk. Right now Im feeling like I want to align with sharky, dennis, and charlie. But need to see who they would want to work with. I also really like Brian. So by default if we do lose, my target might be Nicole which sucks but we havent really talked. Those are my thoughts so far.

I started my game talk with Dennis and he wants to work together which is great. (Hopefully he is telling the truth). Next we talked about who we should bring in and he said charlie and Im down with that because Charlie is awesome. I brought up Sharky and Dennis said that he was chill and would work with him. He’s asking Charlie and I’ll be asking Sharky. Hopefully this four person alliance works. I really like to work with them three.

Okay challenge performance: Not my best? Outfit I wore while I did my challenge: cute.

Okay the game has officially BEGUN. Maynor just came to me pitching an alliance. I feel great about working with because we get on really well. The only hiccup is that he followed it with pitching us working with Dennis and Charlie as a 4 person alliance. I really want to work with Brian though so I'm going to try and get him to keep his options open...but I have an alliance at least.

Does Nicole have a personality? I'm really not sure because our conversation has consisted of NOTHING. I want to work with women...but not Nicole…

Charlie and Sharky both agreed to be part of the 4 person alliance. This is great because we will have majority on our tribe. Hopefully its true tho. Sharky is down to be my duo partner in this game and im 100% truthful about that. I would totally go to the end with him. Lets just hope we win immunity today so we can avoid tribal again.

Okay so this alliance is in motion and Brian is getting left behind...I have to figure out a way to warn him without freaking him out

Wowee, tribal. Not a fan. I should be Gucci but like maybe a new Gucci gang will usurp me. Though I do severely doubt it lol. wooo! Did someone mention that I have an exam tomorrow as well? Love this. Brb gonna have a mental breakdown.

WE WON. Thank god. The longer we stay on this winning streak the longer I can keep from having to make real choices in who I align with.

From here on out Maynor and I will be a power couple known only as The Scream Team.

All I know is Keaton BETTTER STAY. If he leaves, ima kick his ass

Alliance of 4 is great. Going to make a chat later with host. Need to come up with an alliance name first. We won immunity which is awesome. We are now only tribe to have all memebers still. Which is good and bad since we could be targets during a swap for having everyone still in the game. Lets 🤞 that doesn’t happen.

ok so jayden stays ignoring but finally started talking to me for like 4 minutes so love that!! he really cares. and like still ppl force me to have convos with them like i just want a social game sorry to inconvenience u!! love naomi smalls. uh i have a f2 now! me and nathan WILL win this game know that we scored the highest in the challenge too.. WHICH WE WON! WOOOOH

Keaton has decided he wants to be buddies with me and BC now so *surprise* that’s an alliance now. Woohoo. Keaton’s growing on me a lot actually - it took him a while to get started but now he’s arguably one of my favorites. Keep it up Keaton!

At this point it’s getting increasingly obvious that BC wants to be everyone’s best friend. The alliance with Matt happened because BC had a chat with both of us the night before about allying separately. And Keaton initiated the alliance yesterday because of a conversation he had with BC. And then apparently BC gets on really well with Marie as well? From my perspective, he’s spreading himself too thin and it could bite him in the ass if he’s not careful.

As for the vote, it’s between Marie and John. BC and I are leaning John. The guy hasn’t talked to me once since the first night. He’s putting in super low effort, and I’d rather have someone like Marie who actually tries to be a part of the team. Matt and Keaton seem to be leaning Marie though. I’m going to try to push BC into committing against John without being too vocal either way myself. If Marie winds up going, it’s not the end of the world, but I’d really like to see John gone.

Also, a swap would be great right about now pls and ty

Sooooo I have an idol... a legacy advantage... a majority alliance... and our tribe won immunity... I think I’m the most powerful player in the game right now... let’s just stay that way!

I just sent in to create the Four of a Kind alliance which is me, Dennis, Charlie, and Sharky. Sharky and I named our duo alliance. I feel that Sharky is genuine to were I trust that he does want to work together. I still want to bond with Brian because I really like him. Nicole is mostly offline so idk. Our conversation like stopped.

So apparently the hosts want me to make one of these so I will. Not much to talk about since im in the majority and we aren't going to tribal. Bryce is presumably going next although he is good at challenges and appreciates Travis Scott. But according to Nathan he tried to target me so ya know.

So my phone is gone... this is sad and for now I have no way of getting it back so I am not quitting until I get voted out but I am not giving up.

So I’m shook I survived the first vote and we won thank god. I’m so happy for Nathan he really stood up for me last round and I’ve got his back no matter what now! I’m just hoping that Bryce isn’t angry with me for the cole vote oops

I thought I was clever. I was going to let other people take charge of this vote, let someone who cared more about who got voted out decide who goes. No need to get blood on my hands this early, right?

well APPARENTLY we're all so fucking bright that we all had the same great idea. none of us are going to dare suggest we have a preference here, and we're going to sit around until late tonight going "ya idk im fine with whatever". because that's what survivor's all about.

at least Keaton's hinting aggressively that he prefers to vote Marie here. if he were a little more active he'd be a lock for my favorite on the tribe.

Why I get paranoid: I thought why not share why I’m paranoid when I play games... Survivor is a very cut throat killer game and when thinking about how to control that part to me to where I can be cut throat with no regrets. I turn that on at merge and cut away the paranoia because I simply know that once merge hits there is some respect to everyone left in so I feel a bit more comfortable making the plays I do but before merge it’s kind of stressful... fun fact about me is I never have gotten premerge in an official group game. So in a sense I guess I’m paranoid because the pressure is on premerge and merge is where I really start to pull it together because if I go out there’s simply no reason to really care what place I get.

So, some developments. First of all me and Dennis feel like we've cracked a part of the puzzle on the search thing, as the wording was the same in two different things we found. Praying that Dennis gets and advantage. Imagine if we held all the powers by day 5 hahahaha.

Also, Dennis told me Maynor wants to make an alliance with me him and Sharky. I do feel good about this but would rather have Brian involved tbh. Despite this, me and Brian talked and I feel good about my relationship with him. He's a really nice guy!

Dennis didn't get anything on the hunt.. boooo. I am kinda wondering whether he's lying to me, cos I don't really understand why he tried to talk 4 times when there was another option... idk I trust him but I hope he's not hiding any advantage from me.

The alliance also got made. Good to feel comfortable in a group tbh

So happy we won the challenge!! I was a high scorer in this challenge, maybe I need to tone it down, don't want to seem a threat lol!!

I am a little bit worried about having told Sharky about the idol. Idk if I can trust him yet. It felt kinda awkward when I promised him I'd share the idol with him, I am genuine about that but I hope he sees that.

I have no idea what’s happening this vote so I’m gonna vote Keaton because he’s the one I’ve talked to the least and hopefully I don’t get voted out ughhh

John is voted out 4-1-1.

#allmadhere #episode

[bigbrotherorre]

FINAL EPISODE: “DENNIS IS SUCH A KING” - ALI THE REST OF THE GAME.

WEEK 13 

if someone who doesn't love me wins this week then bye bye ashvika 

annoyed that sammy nominated me because i kept him safe last week whereas i could have just as easily flipped to keeping alivia and he could've left...but more than that, i'm annoyed at his speech. i dont think he should've used "you nommed me" as an excuse bc that's lame and he was the first to nom me and i nommed him back so we were even, and then i let him have veto pick when he was nommed and i made sure he got taken off. also conversation is a two way street and i dont see him trying to make a conversation with me either, he could have just said the real reason....i love hearing about how good of a player he thinks i am.... the worst case scenario is if bryce or zeezo win, i think even if the noms stay the same that i have a good chance of staying? granted that autumn and ali don't decide to turn on me and evict me 

why is bryce spreading lies :( i didn't tell ali to nominate sammy.... 

ive made a lot of mistakes this game and there all coming at me now.. my position in the game is terrible and i can blame it on ppl playing not to their win condition or on just the wrong ppl winning comps at the wrong time, but ultimately i could have tried harder convincing ppl to see the light or to do better in challenges so ultimately its on me. feeling really hopeless this week even tho i avoided being a preveto nom i think ill be a post one if literally anyone but me wins veto. and i flopped veto (cwl). i cant wait for after the game for ali to admit that he did tell me that ashvika pushed for sammy to be nommed. order in which id vote ppl zeezo- always worked with me and if she makes it to the end she truly DID THAT ashvika- really took control of the game with her hoh win and after jose left smartly picked up the goats and became the biggest threat randy- a king love us working with/against each other throughout the game and even tho he was voted out im not one to discredit buyback winners autumn- never spoke to me but guess she didnt need to KASDHFK ali- fakest person ive ever met dennis- knows how to get to f2 at least sammy- ignores obvious facts and always makes the wrong move  but good at comps so wooh (me teas too tho...)

somehow i didnt get nommed but like so sad what the heck zeezo is going home like why is everyone so jealous that shes prettier and funnier than them :( why cant we all be her goats <3 i guess its good bc like i cant win with zeezo in the game and i can vote to keep her still, but honestly if i lose in f2 with zeezo itd still be fun bc she has had my back all game :] I AM SO SAD UGHHHH GOD HATES GAYS AND HES TAKING MY TWO WOC QUEENS BACK TO BACK. Now i have ashvika who is a queen but not my queen!! And autumn yikes hates me always :(

SORRY IVE BEEN GONE!!! I did one video confessional for Week 11 and just like never posted it lmao but I will haha and that's all behind me. But anyway I just have so many feelings. Live  night is about to begin, me and Zeezo's war is finally concluding, IM STILL TRYING TO GET MY FIRST COMP WIN, and I'm trying to protect my allies at all cost. Some cracked shit is about to go down and I'm so excited and so so glad I took a nap before this cause I'm ready for anything wooo

RANDY: WIN SAMMY: ... ALI: FAKEST PERSON IVE EVER MET MAYBE TALKS A BIG GAME AND SAYS HES SUPER NICE AND EMOTIONAL BUT SUDDENLY CAN TURN THAT OFF. HE WOULD BE A GOOD VILLAIN BUT HE ACTS NICE AND DOESNT OWN IT AND MAYBE ITS JUST BC ITS SO SOON BUT I HOPE HE CHOKES AND HAS HAYFEVER FOREVER! WHAT EVEN IS HAYFEVER??? HORSE BOY AUTUMN: NEVER SPOKE TO ME BUT NICE DENNIS: FORGOT TO PUT SOMEONE ON THE LIST, KNEW HIS WAY TO F2 AND IF HE DOESNT TAKE CREDIT FOR THINGS ICON AND ID VOTE FOR HIM.

AFTER THE TRIPLE EVICTION...

OK BUT DAT TRIPLE DOE http://media2.giphy.com/media/xUA7aViRhBQPzXNAAM/giphy.gif It was dramatic, over the top, emotional, satisfying, show stopping, gut wrenching- literally everything you want out of a triple. I... don't feel bad for Breezo lmao, not after all the messiness they've caused. But doing Ashvika dirty is literally the hardest choice I've had to make in Orre. Sis I am so so sorry. I should've thrown you a vote but you know how Randy is and you really know how Dennis is. I just--- that was something I like wasn't prepared to ever do, break Ashvika's heart. But like in my beautiful dark twisted mind? It was perfect because I knew I couldn't go to the end w/ Ash but I was never going to nominate her. So here we are rip ALSO LAB AND BREEZO ALL SITTING IN JURY??? BIIIIIIITTTCCHHHHH https://media.giphy.com/media/zcAii7T9JXezS/source.gif If you're reading this, you know I sure did say I would wipe that whole group out and send them to jury and it really did come to pass. John sure did gas all of them up to win and I sure did tell him in my Week 10 goodbye message that they were all bout to walk in behind him. So in the spirit of prophesizing, let it be known that Auli aka Ali and I will make Final 3 because we are the strategic dynamic duo y'all slept on. Like correct me if I'm wrong: we've been on the right side of all 8 "merge" votes (there's no word for like opposite of pre-jury lmao), we ain't been on block since Week 6/7 and it's now Week 14, and we've downplayed our iconicism left and right so we're the last duo standing at Final 5, and no one wants to take a shot at us. BUT YALL STILL SLEEP CAUSE THE MIST IS THAT STRONG. That's ok though! When Randy and Sammy walk into jury next y'all will see Also I'm  dead at how much jury hates Ali hahaha. Deadass he has to stay in the game for safety reasons. Like soooo many jurors wanna kill him. That's my ride or die though so I can't let that happen. Anyway I still feel like shit for obeying Randy, which hurt Ashvika, made Dennis cry, and further dragged Ali's corpse. But the good news is woooo it's Final 5 and these boys all want to take Auli to the end. So do I NEED to win this HOH? No not really. Am I still praying and pleading with God like I do before every comp? Absolutely https://media1.tenor.com/images/1a11748f0c7ce30ab4afd057fab66751/tenor.gif?itemid=5677211

Me when I shocked the nation and won HOH and finally had power in the house after 13 weeks https://78.media.tumblr.com/2a8c6d7cc298da364a847f8f9d767c7c/tumblr_opiih6Z7tB1ub3fcfo1_500.gif Me then using said power to target my baby Randy for the greater good https://media.giphy.com/media/hic9t15zsdwfC/giphy.gif And now me that I'm selling my entire family, land, soul, and wig collection to get Dennis to keep me and kill Sammy so that I'm not Ika Wonged because I know for a fact Ali would take me to F2 and Dennis would be a dumbass not to take me too. AND I ALWAYS BELIEVED IF I WENT UP A FOURTH TIME THAT WOULD BE THE TIME I GO UP ON THE BLOCK AND DONT COME BACK DOWN SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DENNIS BE STRATEGIC AND KEEP ME https://i.pinimg.com/originals/23/53/9d/23539d4ab6c13adab50940426d73ed6e.gif

[AFTER F4 EVICTION]

WAIT WHAT HOW AM I ALIVE?? https://media.giphy.com/media/TZ388aYpsLMcM/giphy.gif AND HOW THE FUCK DID I MAKE FINAL 3??? https://yiaelxzosjw9p4bs-zippykid.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/happy-crying.gif Pray for me if I win Final HOH cause fun fact: I, the strategic legend, have no clue who to fucking take to the end and that's the biggest gag of the entire season BECAUSE I DIDN'T PLAN OUT THIS FAR GODDAMMIT AND I WISH I HAD. Ok that's not entirely true- I knew I should either sit next to Dennis or Ali because ya know contingency plans matter. BUT NOW??? Bitch ion know I just wanna win

CLICK HERE & HERE TO SEE DENNIS’ VIDEO DIARY ROOMS!

i've never seen a better reflection of the emotional rollercoaster that is my mental state than these two being filmed less than 12 hours apart jasldfa

CLICK HERE AND HERE TO SEE ALI’S VIDEO DIARY ROOMS!

okay i have lots of post finale thoughts but i need to type them up tomorrow. i just hope the jury knows how sorry I am if I ever upset them, because I love them all so much and would never want that :(

time for my post finale wrap up and.... whewie. This is so upsetting because, I just did this for all stars. Like it's looking like my track record is LITERALLY going to be 2nd 9th 2nd 2nd 2nd, I CANT COME 2ND AGAIN. I really can't take this. Here is the bigger problem though and this is why Orre will be my last game whether I win or not. I can't keep playing these games when I upset so many people. Like it honestly broke my heart yesterday hearing how much I upset people like Bryce & Ashvika, people I love SOOOOOOO much. I don't want to upset people. Like... what upset me about finale is I don't think the jurors realise that.... I didn't just upset people for the sake of it and ahhh. Honestly, I'm really upset, like not even that I'm coming second but that I upset people. So with that said, I really apologise to the jurors. I got the impression that I hurt you all so bad that you are giving me 2nd as like.... punishment? And while I hate that, if I hurt you all that bad I really owe you all an apology. Anywho, since this is definitely my last game, I've played 183 days worth of games to just come 2nd, and that's just too much. I'm too flawed of a person and player to continue playing these games and just keep coming 2nd. Like it just hurts. so yeah, i'm sad but mainly because this is deja vu. I'm so proud of Dennis for winning, he is such a sweet genuine guy and when he was complimenting me during the finale, it was the nicest thing I've ever heard and I'm so greatful. No matter my game or his, I'd be happy to see Dennis represent our season.

Can I just say... Dennis is such a king. What a kind-hearted, genuine guy. A true king.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH DENNIS’ VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

okay so I lost.... and I'm weirdly at peace with it. I know I answered the jury questions terribly and I had... some jurors that would never have it in them to vote for me and would actively campaign against me. Dennis is a king, and in a cast with toxicity and SUCH bitterness, I think he is a phenomenal representation for the season. Otherwise, I am really honoured to get Ashvika's vote, she is such a deserving POTS, and to get POTS' vote is always an honour. Autumn and Jose are amazing friends and I am so happy to have got to work with them, John is a player with SUCH potential and he is WINNING BOTS & Zeezo I'm really honoured to get her vote too! For the others, Bryce is a KING and so is Blake (they both seemed really upset by me so I hope we can be friends). Lynn I never spoke to and seems... very bitter about the season's result, but I hope she gets over it because she is also a QUEEN. Randy is a funny one and I'm starting to worry all his friend talk was just him playing into my emotional side, but he is a good egg really I know it. Sammy is a ghost king. I kinda want to end on Alivia. Alivia is a person whose personality is obviously very different to mine and the way she speaks to me and others really upsets me a lot of the time. However, her bitterness against me is understandable and I hope she gets over it, because she defines herself by anger and bitterness when she is such a funny and likable person and doesn't need to do that. but woo... to wrap stuff up, I'm so grateful for Nicholas & Julia for casting me, Owen & Emily for being amazing.... OH, I forgot what I wanted to say. Autumn is a queen, a legend and amazing. She is honestly soo soo amazing, like... someone I really admire and see as a rolemodel? she is inspirational, a queen and a legend. Dennis is the nicest, most well intentioned guy ever SO sweet and really just a genuinely nice guy. I have made lasting friendships with some members of this cast and I'm so happy. so yeah.... i'll probably do another one of these in like a day or so, but if not.... ali out woo

we love coming to jury and being told about my ""showmance""".... wanna die jadfkl. my only showmance was to snakery, my way of life. blake was robbed but also is a broccoli. last words? autumn and dennis are my faves, best F3 ever.

FINAL CAST ASSESSMENT

#bborre #episode