#it was fucking exhausting but he just always does this and its always about lgbtq+ stuff and im like

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

everyone kill my dad time

#camera talks #just had a stupid argument with him (about who gets the to use the f slur (hes cishet.)) #it was fucking exhausting but he just always does this and its always about lgbtq+ stuff and im like #youre not part of the community?!? im literally queer?? could you Shut Up? #vent #probably #oh and he made a stupid 'joke' towards my mom earlier on the phone #(he joked that he was going out to dinner w/ someone and my mom was really confused/hurt then he was like 'lol her name is [his moms name]) #(dude they've had fights over opening their marriage before* he Knows shed be fucking uncomfortable with him saying something like that) #(why would you say that!!?. i know why hes my Fucking dad but whatever. #their marriage is held together with tape and financial issues if they had to get divorced anyways.) #(*my mom doesn't want to and my dad tries to pressure her into shit. dude you clearly dont love her anymore i hate you) #OKAY. anyways i have to finish work for my history class again blah whatever goodbye until i finish that tumblr <3 #(lying i'll be back in like 10 minutes)

[honeypiehotchner]

coming out -- Hotch’s Daughter!Reader headcanon

Just a lil thing I wrote to comfort myself because sometimes I wonder a little too much about how different I’d be if I had a better coming out experience a.k.a. if Aaron Hotchner was my dad he would’ve been a lot nicer to me

(Also it’s in hc format because I am too exhausted to write a full blown fic right now, love y’all though xx.)

Summary: Hotch adopted you when you were 17 and he’s been nothing but the best Dad anyone could ask for. You’re 19 now and a freshman in college, and you have something important to tell him. Thanksgiving break is coming up soon and...you invited your girlfriend to spend the week with you.

Warnings: mentions of anxiety, one mention of being too anxious to eat

you’d be a nervous fucking wreck

who wouldn’t be, though?

even when you know the person is supportive, you’re still nervous. when you came out to your best friend, you were trembling like crazy, even though she’s never once been anything but supportive of the lgbtq+ community

all that aside, your dad is different

he’s pretty closed off at times, but you expected that when he adopted you

he’s a single dad, raising a young son, and for some reason decided to add you, a seventeen year old girl into the mix

you’re nineteen now, and in your freshman year of college, which means you’ve gone through a lot of self-exploration

and in the short period that you’ve been on your own, you’ve realized something

you like girls. like a lot. like, so much so that you have a girlfriend, and you’ve been dating her for seven months now

and you invited her home for thanksgiving

in your defense, she has nowhere else to go, because her family is from out of the country, and they don’t celebrate thanksgiving

you want her to experience the holiday for the first time, and when she mentioned wanting to spend it with someone she loves, you blurted out the offer

the only problem is, your dad has no idea she’s coming home with you

thanksgiving break starts in two days

on a last minute, impulsive, “if i don’t tell him right now i will throw up everywhere” decision, you drove to your dad’s office

the BAU is only a thirty minute drive from your dorm, so you visit your dad every other week or so

it’s a Wednesday and it’s barely 2pm, so you know he’ll be there

but he doesn’t expect you at all

he’s in the middle of a phone call when you knock on his office door, and his facial expression is more than shocked when he sees its you standing there

you stretch out on the couch like you’ve done countless times when you didn’t want to be alone at home and Jack was off with friends

Hotch can tell something is eating you, so he tries to hurry the phone call along as quick as he can, and soon he’s hanging up

“hey you,” he says, standing and rounding the desk to give you a hug

you gladly accept it, wrapping your arms around his middle

you never really used to like hugs, but his have always made you feel safe

that and Jack loves hugs, so you kind of had to get used to them with him being your little brother

“surprise,” you chuckle nervously

having a profiler for a dad means that absolutely nothing gets past him, but he’s done his best since adopting you to not push subjects that you don’t want pushed

but occasionally, when he can see how badly something is hurting you to keep inside, he breaks that rule

just like he does today

“what’s going on?” he asks, sitting in one of the chairs across from the couch, letting you stretch back out

“well,” you pause to clear your throat, “you know how thanksgiving is next week?”

“yes,” he nods. “you’re on break, right?”

“mhm,” you confirm. “all week.”

“Jack will like having you back home all the time.”

“i’ll like getting to spend more time with him,” you smile, having forgotten about that. Hotch will still be working up until Wednesday, and then will probably be back Friday, but you and Jack can fill the other days easily, especially since it’s been a while

“was that all?” Hotch asks, knowing it wasn’t

“well,” you say again; it’s your nervous tell. “how would you feel if i...invited someone over?”

“like a friend?” he asks, and you nod hesitantly. “i don’t see why not.”

“okay,” you exhale. that was easy enough, but it wasn’t the truth. not completely. “what if it’s a girl?”

Hotch chuckles quietly. “it can be a girl, a boy, or anyone. i don’t mind. as long as they don’t mind an air mattress to sleep on and a little brother running around.”

“what if...what if she slept in my bed? with me.”

silence.

but then he smiles. “that’s okay too.”

“you’re not mad?” you ask.

“why would i be mad?” he asks seriously. “is she your girlfriend?”

“...yes.”

“for how long?”

“seven months,” you blurt. “and is it okay if she’s here all week? her family is from out of the country, so she can’t exactly go anywhere else, and i panicked because i love her and i invited her--”

“it’s okay, Y/N, slow down,” he says softly. “yes, she can stay the whole week.”

“thank you,” you murmur, chewing on your lower lip, and stopping when you see your dad tap his own lip

it’s a small thing he’s done for you since he adopted you. if you’re chewing your lips or cheeks, he quietly taps his

“you’re not mad or...weirded out or anything?”

“not at all,” he says. “truthfully, i’m surprised it took you this long to tell me. i knew you were seeing someone.”

“what?!” you gasp. “how could you even tell?”

“the tone of your voice,” he confesses. “i could tell when she would be there, but i didn’t know who and i didn’t want to bring it up. you don’t have to tell me everything and i knew you’d tell me whenever you were ready. but i knew someone was making you happier.”

“well,” you half laugh, half scoff. “i can’t believe you. but i don’t know why i’m surprised-- hang on, did you already know i was gay?”

he shrugs. “i had my suspicions, but again, i knew you would tell me when you were ready -- if there was anything you wanted to tell.”

“oh my god,” you cover your face with your hands. leave it to your dad to make such a nerve-wracking situation become classically embarrassing. “are you kidding me? i swear to god.”

“on an unrelated note,” he laughs, “would you like to go out to dinner with her tonight?”

you furrow your eyebrows, lowering your hands. “yeah? her and i always do?”

“it’s on me,” he says. “use the credit card.”

“the card is for emergencies.”

“then consider this an emergency.”

“dad.”

“yes daughter?”

that always irritates you when he does that, but you smile anyway. “thank you. for being the best, always,” you roll your eyes with a laugh, always dramatic.

“thank you for sharing this part of your life with me,” he says sincerely. “oh, and i’m still giving her a hard time when she’s over.”

“what? no!”

“it’s my duty.”

“i will lock you out of the house.”

“i’ll kick the door down.”

“be nice to her,” you say seriously. “i really like her.”

“i know,” he smiles. “do you want to stay for lunch since you’re already here?”

oh, right, you haven’t eaten yet. you woke up anxious as hell about telling him, so you haven’t had any food today. “please,” you chuckle. “is garcia here?”

he nods, “in her office.”

“sweet,” you grin. “i’ll be back later with food.”

“okay,” he laughs, watching you practically bounce off the walls now that you’ve been relieved of that big secret. “hey, Y/N?”

you turn around. “yeah?”

“i love you.”

you smile wide, practically throwing yourself in his arms this time. “i love you too, dad.”

#aaron hotchner #hotch #aaron hotchner headcanon #aaron hotchner hc #daughter!reader #fem!reader #criminal minds #criminal minds hc #criminal minds headcanon #self indulgence at its finest #tbfh #aaron hotchner & daughter!reader #this is what i call coping #oops #i’ve wanted to write this for so long #idk why it took me so long to get out #but regardless #i hope this brings someone some comfort #i know it did while i wrote it #fluff #good vibes #lgbtq+ #lgbtq+ community

[billylenzstolemyphone]

some lego batman headcanons!! <3

- bruce, after adopting dick (haha), is now super cautious when taking him to school, on patrol, etc. alfred thinks its really sweet and always has to reassure bruce, on dicks first day of school every year, that his sons gonna be okay <3

- sometimes when bruce has to go on patrol and can’t hang out with dick, drive them to school, etc. and alfreds gone, he’ll call jack and ask him if they can go over and take care of dick :D (jack rly does like hanging out with dick even if they say they dont)

- alfred makes two lunchboxes for bruce and dick when they go on patrol because he didnt ONE TIME and they came back starving and exhausted shdslk he fed them and gave them a lecture :)

-  sometimes, with bruces permission, jack and harley will take dick out to go shopping, get ice cream, just some real bestie shit- or they’ll come over and bake or play video games together. (bruce secretly loves it)

- jack is actually a rly good cook/baker and will make everyone breakfast in the morning after he’s stayed the night (bonus: bruce and jack got into a flour fight while making pancakes and alfred walked into the kitchen to see them on the floor losing it)

- dick has a sneaking suspicion that padre and jack arent just “friends”

- bruce and jack, flustered and stumbling over their words, quickly shut this “ridiculous insinuation” down. dick didn’t buy it but okay!

- jacks hair has gotten longer and bruce loves it so he constantly tries to come up with an excuse to braid it or run his fingers through it, but hes really bad at covering the real reason up bc hes stuttering n shit so jack will just smile at him and sit with his back against bruces chest and say “go to town, ya sap”

- jack calls alfred “jeeves” and he says it so seriously and naturally that everyone whos in the room loses it whenever he does DSKSB alfred tries to ignore it gsjgka

IM GONNA GET INTO MORE LIKE SEXUALITY/IDENTITY ONES NOW-

- gay alfred rights. no- no. you heard what i said. he never really told anyone but one day while talking to bruce in the batcave it just kind of slipped out and bruce was like “oh fr?? shittt thats cool alfred <3” SKDLSBSLF (he/him, cis, gay)

- since dick is pretty young he doesnt completely understand the concept of sexuality and identity just yet, but they fully support any and all!! theyve also come across the term non-binary and feels like its perfect for how he feels! (he/him/they/them, non-binary, not quite sure yet they just like people :D)

- bruce also is still trying to understand and learn more about all of the lgbtq+ terms/sexualities/identities, he wants to make sure that he is always respectful! he has however, come to the conclusion that he likes men and women >:) (he/him, cis, bisexual)

- jack got very excited when dick came to him for advice on these things because they love introducing and educating people on the community! he was also ecstatic when dick came out to them as non-binary and told him that their pronouns were he/they!! because now they were pronoun buddies!! jack is also ftm trans :D (he/him/they/them, trans, gay)

- i felt like i should do barbara because...idk i just want to sdshk- barbara, honestly just in this movie to me, is a straight ally (i think that apart from this movie that shes a lesbian!) who will attend pride events and pass out candy, give hugs, etc. she loves the community and like bruce, always tries her best to be respectful and correct when using her terms!! yayay! (she/her, cis, straight ally)

- harley!!! harley is a loud and proud bisexual woman and she is dating poison ivy >:)) who, i headcanon, is a lesbian YUUUP- harley was there for jack when they needed her and she was the one who taught jack about all of the terms and stuff :)) the three of them (harley, ivy, and jack) will go to pride parades/events together and sometimes jack will persuade bruce to go with them <3 (harley: she/her, cis, bisexual. ivy: she/her, cis, lesbian also off topic but ivy is black and has long red braids fucking fight me)

- ill do selina too!! selina is a butch lesbian that has her very rare moments of being feminine sjjsk i love her- she likes to go to clubs and make sure to beat up anyone whos getting a little too touchy feely towards other people or beat up anyone whos just being an asshole >:) as she should! she honestly doesnt care much about pronouns just dont use he/him and ur good (she/her/they/them/etc., cis, lesbian)

AAAAHDHDSLBK THATS SO MUCH OMG- BUT YEAH I LOVE THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE ITS FUCKING AMAZING ITS MY COMFORT MOVIE AND I LOVE MAKING HEADCANONS AND TALKING ABT THEM HSKDBSLD- feel free to talk abt ur headcanons!! re-blog this or just comment <33 ilyyy

#the lego batman movie #batman #joker #robin #alfred pennyworth #selina kyle #harley quinn #harleen quinzel #poison ivy #pamela isley #barbara gordon #jack napier #catwoman #batgirl #dick grayson #bruce wayne #trans joker #non-binary robin #he/they joker #he/they dick grayson #lesbian catwoman #lesbian batgirl #lesbian barbara gordon #lesbian selina kyle #bisexual harley quinn #gay joker #bisexual batman #bisexual bruce wayne #GAY ALFRED PENNYWORTH #headcanons

[thewhizzyhead]

you very much Should Keep going (if you’d like) I’m reading your tags like 👀👀👀 I wanna know More!!!

dude believe me i only just thought up 90% 9f this while doing my math homework last night so yea this is very barebones and this is very very new have very little to offer but um imma try to explain a bit more fjdjdc SO ANYWAYS GRADE 11

Warning: this is very long and I am very sorry aaAAAA also i only just thought of this last night and a while ago while attending class so um yea it's chaotic.

the songs i've mentioned so far in the tag ramble aren't um consecutive so yeah there are a lot of blank spaces in between fjsjsj and yea I haven't figured out the other leads and their arcs yet (probably 5-6 leads). for now um the planned songs feature 3 of the leads:

Kate - basically answers the question of What If Eva Sanchez Was The Protagonist and What If Eva Sanchez Saw The Hell That Is Don't Even (in this show, this song is called "Anakpota?" or "The Fuck?"); she's a transferee and is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new school environment; her reasons for transferring run a bit deeper than just "humanities is a lot more interesting than stem or business shits"; i guess her main character themes are burnout, the want for childlike wonder again and overcoming the fear that comes with chasing what you really want and no i am definitely not self projecting what are you guys talking about smh rhhdhs /hj (altho i admit that this is loosely based on my own experience with deciding to transfer schools) and yea she's a very closeted lesbian that slowly starts to comes out to others and to herself more throughout the course of the show. and also she gets a girlfriend YAY

Noel - rn i don't have that much planned out for him cause u know barebones plot but so far um i guess he's the chill dude, overall good guy, rantaro amami from danganronpa v3 vibes, and he's initially framed as the "love interest" for Kate esp in the song "Ikaw Ba Ay..." or "Are You..." (i wanted that to be a play on the typical Filipino Teen Hetero Romance CAUSE THAT SHIT IS IN EVERYWHERE JFJSJD I AM GONNA MAKE A WHOLEASS RANT ON THAT SOON AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME) but surprise motherfucker BOTH OF THEM ARE GAY AND BOTH BOND OVER IT AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS YAY WOOOO i kinda want him to be like the typical "Filipino Teen Heartthrob" star student with the twist being that he's gay and not make that a throwaway joke cause um yea that's a throwaway joke here that someone who is real catch for the heteros but is actually gay is "sayang" or "worthless" here.

Ella - ngl she is probably gonna end up as the main lead here fjdjd i'd say she has riley+chess vibes aka The School's Hotshot Achiever and Student Leader That Is Very Intimidating But Is Actually Really Freaking Kind and i guess with a dash of Kate Dalton-ish snark. Like i said the plot is barebones rn so i dunno anything but i do imagine them being the one that drives the plot forward due to her outspokenness. I also imagine her to be the one (along with Noel) that makes Kate a lil bit more comfortable with her sexuality and yup you guessed it Ella is gay too (bi to be specific oh and she uses she/they pronouns) and altho still a bit closeted, they're a bit more comfy with it. also they become Kate's gf yay!

those are the leads that i have kinda planned out so far but yea i still gotta expound kna lot of atuff and make up more leads for this but then again i just started conceptualizing this last night so ANYWAYS HERE ARE THE OTHERS SONGS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT UP LAST NIGHT (aside from the ones already mentioned)

+ "Nakakapanibago" or "Well This Is New" - Ella and Kate work together on a school project aaand gay panic ensues. both of them take turns in addressing the audience and panicking over each other in um er an "Oh My God She's Very Fucking Cute What The Fuck" way. it kinda has What Is This Feeling from Wicked vibes if you remove the aggression and antagonization jdjsd and i kinda emphasize on how overwhelmed they are cause for Kate, everything - from the school to the subjects to the people - is new and her attraction to Ella is like a cherry bomb on top of a chaos cake while for Ella, who has studied in the school since kindergarten which is why nothing about the school fazes her anymore, Kate is a literal breath of fresh air and the spontaneity scares them and excites them at the same time. The number is comedic (and is chance for me to add a shit ton of wordplay cause yAY WORDPLAY) but i guess also hints at their fears which will definitely come into play later.

+ "Mabuting Laban" or "Good Fight" - a group number led by Ella, this is the first song in the musical that isn't mostly comedic. like um the musical so far (before this song) is mostly somewhat of a parody-just-for-laughs-don't-take-this-seriously piece but with this, the show finally hints to something a lot more serious and insightful. so basically ella tells kate (this scene comes right after the Nakakapanibago sequence) that they have noticed that the latter is um very very shocked at the blatant show of LGBTQ+ stuff. Kate mentions that altho many students have since then spoke up for LGBTQ+ acceptance, things were a lot more conservative back in her former school (once again wooo definitely not self projection /hj) so like seeing all this is very new to her. Ella then mentions that things weren't always like that - a lot of fighting had to be done in order to get to that point. and because most of the students already were branded with a rebellious reputation (for a lot of delinquent behavior), they really didn't give a fuck anymore if they were being controversial or not. What mattered was that they would make the school environment a lot more welcoming for themselves and for others. That sentiment is also shared by other leads singing along as they go out of their way to ensure a much better environment for everyone (in terms of lgbtq+ rights, undoing the stigmatization of mental health matters, student activism yadda yadda)

(oh and also this kinda serves as something that bridges the prejudices between the two schools since Ella's school is famous for a lot of student delinquency while Kate's former school is famous for being known as the "Best School In The Region With The Best Students" (which is why Ella understands why the students in Kate's school are a bit more hesitant to speak up because Kate's former schoolmates got way too much to lose) and the rivalry those schools have with each other cause students from ella's school think those from kate's school are pompous little shits while those from kate's school think that ella's schoolmates are delinquents and yes this is commentary on the dynamic my former school'scstudents and my current school's students share) (i should probably give this its own song)

+ "Ayoko" or " I Don't Want It" - (this does not come right after Mabuting Laban fjsjd i honestly dunno where to put this) this comes right after a conversation regarding her reputation in her former school and yea this is Kate poking fun at the "I Want" song musical trope. Like um she addresses the audience saying something along the lines of "oooohh wow complicated backstory exposition! you are probably expecting a song rn ala "How Far I'll Go" from Moana but guess what bitches fuck you all cause i'm gonna sing a song about the things I don't want just to fucking annoy you." it starts off as incredibly satirical and um Kate Dalton-vibes all throughout the scene with lots of pettiness which will then gradually transition to her singing about how she threw all the opportunities presented to her by the former school just because she really didn't want to do them and was tired of saying "yes" just to be enough for them. She then starts singing about her taking control of her own narrative by finally leaving the school. She still laments about those lost opportunities and admits that she still kinda wants to pursue those, but if she has to sacrifice rest for greatness, then she doesn't want it. The song ends with a verse akin to most I Want songs as she finally admits what she really wants the most: rest and wonder.

also here's a verse i made up just a while ago

Diyos ko, sabihin mo, ano pa ang kailangan kong gawin/upang mabawi ang mga ninakaw sa akin/upang maibalik ang pag-asang nawala/upang sa wakas ako'y makakapagpahinga/sapagkat hindi na ako nagnanais ng kadakilaan/ang hinihingi ko lamang ay ang aking kabataan

translation (i'll try my best to make it rhyme): My God, tell me, what else do i have to do/so I can take back all that they have taken from me/so that I can bring back the hope I've long so been deprived of/so that for once in my life, I'll be able to breathe/ cause I no longer want all the greatness that you say I could've had/ I only want to wonder, I only want my childhood back

+ "Halos Lagi Nalang"or "Almost Always The Same" - if this sounds familiar yes i rambled about this before gjdjdjd I started conceptualizing this song even before i even started conceptualizing the musical. So yea this is in Act 2 the song starts with mentioning the exhaustion that comes with being an LGBTQ+ teen in the philippines cause yup same old conservative religious bullshit same old same old shit and despite many a lot of people advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, nothing ever changes around here because well conservative religious bullshit. so yea this is kind of an extension of "Good Fight" but make it more about the burnout felt by a lot of teens that want something better than whatever we have right now. Then it will also apply to the other causes that the leads fight for (activism,destigmatization of mental health stuffs, etc). I'd say it's a combination of Before the Breakdown + Move On musically speaking (yea PMA has influenced me by a LOT). eventually this becomes one of the star numbers fo the show cause yea all the leads will do a shit ton of singing and harmonizing (but for here i'd say Noel and Kate have a tiny bit more of the spotlight since for now they are the ones with the very LGBTQ+ based plotlines). I really REEAAALLY want this song to work aaaa i've been playing around with the melody a lot recently and if i can't write the whole musical, then i'll be content with at the very least writing this song

+ "Try Lang Natin" or "Let's Try It Out" - this is a very barebones sequence atm but basically it's a scene where both Kate and Ella come to terms with their fears related to uncertainty and go "fuck it we don't know jackshit about the future anyway so why not ondulge a bit and ejoy what we have today" and decide to start going out with each other YAYYYYY and also this is like one of the few scenes here were Ella is much more visibly nervous compared to everyone else in the scene so yay for helping each other come to terms with their own vulnerabilities WOOOOO (also paige i remember you saying once that kate and eva could've had a Forever reprise duet right? And correct me if i'm wrong but i think u said it could be about eva assuring kate that she won't go anywhere? WELP I'M STEALING THAT JFJSJJDF /lh /hj AND YUP KATE AND ELLA ARE BASICALLY UM KINDA KATEVA IF YOU SQUINT SO THANK YOU PAIGE FOR THAT IDEAAAA)

AND THAT'S IT SO FAR WOO THIS TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO TYPE IT ALL OUT FJDJSJFF i'm kinda impressed with this ngl considering that i literally started making this up last night and i hope that i can make something out of it woo

And if you guys somehow reached the end of the post and have read every single thing, I'm sending you a lot of hugs and a lot of milkshakes

#paige i am so so sorry it took a long time and i am so sorry that the response is VERY VERY LONG DJXJS #but i hope you liked it! #the ask cheered me up btw fjsjx like i wasnt expecting anyone to be interested but then u sent the ask and YAY KRKDJ #if anyone has any questions or comments or anythjng then um feel free to um hit me up with them YAYYYYY #okay to rb btw if you wanna express ur opinions in the tags #i like hearing other people's opinions on my rambles so feel free to do so if you wanna #thanks for the ask paigeee #paige! (literally riley) #ask me stuff #hmm i should make a tag for this #Izzy's rambles and shit #yea that

[queermediastudies]

Little Effort for LGBTQ Representation in a “Maximum Effort” Superhero Movie

In comic books, one of my favorite characters is and has always been Deadpool. He is “popularly known to be pansexual and isn't particularly choosy about the gender of his partner, much like he has no particular affinity to anything. While this wasn't reflected in the 2016 film starring Ryan Reynolds, both Reynolds and director Tim Miller have hinted that this might come up in the sequel” (Vijaykumar, 2016). After watching it, I feel that the movie succeeds on some marks for giving out adequate LGBTQ representation, but not for the character one might expect. The movie Deadpool 2centers around Wade Wilson’s “one or two moments” that make him an (anti)hero. After losing his love Vanessa from the first movie, Wade finds himself attempting to create the X-Force in order to protect Russell, a mutant teenager from Cable, an experienced and genetically enhanced time-traveling soldier on a quest for revenge. Most of the movie focuses on the drama that ensues after Deadpool’s vain attempt to die is foiled by his own mutant abilities, his grudging acceptance of life and a sense of responsibility for Russell only to then (spoiler alert!) die. Except he doesn’t. Yet, in all of the CGI fights and snarky comments and constant breaking of the fourth wall, the movie does actually manage to discuss some elements of LGBTQ identities and representation. There are two main topics surrounding LGBTQ issues that the movie Deadpool 2 focuses on: the alleged hypersexuality of bi/pansexual people and alternatively, the de-sexualization of queer couples already in a relationship. Deadpool’s‘R’ rating and the characters’ own desire to “Fuck Wolverine” by getting better ratings in the second film took away from the potential of better, full-fledged LGBTQ representation stemming from the titular character, however, the film manages to cover up some of its pitfalls by succeeding in portraying a healthy lesbian relationship between one of the already established characters in the franchise and threading subtleties that condemn conversion therapy and argue for acceptance of others.

           At the start of the film, Deadpool makes a valiant, but luckily, unsuccessful attempt at suicide with the first two words being “Fuck Wolverine.” This merges directly into his habit of breaking the fourth wall and speaking directly to the audience and promising that he’ll be dying in this film too. Deadpool, played by Ryan Reynolds then goes on to explain what led up to this moment which can be quickly summed up as the love of his life, Vanessa, was killed and he feels responsible for her death. The fact that Deadpool only begins to show more signs of a queer sexuality after Vanessa (his love from the entire first movie dies) indicates that being queer means exhausting every other opportunity of expressing yourself. Without the director and actor Ryan Reynolds discussing it in interviews, the average viewer would have been largely unaware of Deadpool’s canon queer identity in the comics. GLAAD actually gave the first movie some flack for its “veiled references” to Deadpool’s sexuality, however, the second film does not seem to take the subject much further (Romano, 2018). It is easy to view Deadpool’s flirtatious manner with Colossus as simply a moment of weakness and used as a joke, rather than an affirmation of his queer identity and sexuality.

           The other, more direct aspect of LGBTQ identity that is given in the movie is between Negasonic Teenage Warhead and her girlfriend, Yukio. The following scene occurs just prior to Deadpool’s confrontation with Colossus.

           “The power-couple proves groundbreaking, proving to be the first truly open, explicitly LGBT couple in superhero cinema” (Armstrong, n.d.). Despite this being the first out relationship in a Hollywood movie, the moment isn’t treated like a groundbreaking moment. In some ways, this could be seen as negative, because it isn’t treated like a big deal, but Armstrong argues that it could also be a way of trying to prevent alienating viewers by “mak[ing] any LGBT representation too visible [then] make certain audiences uncomfortable” (n.d.).

           In the article from Scott, Darieck & Fawaz, the authors explore queerness using the X-Men as an example (2018). The queerness in X-Men characters is even more pronounced for certain individuals, such as Iceman who are actually labeled as gay/bi/pansexual, alongside of Deadpool. There is a scene in the second X-Men movie in which Iceman “comes out” to his parents, except rather than dealing with sexuality, it is about his mutant status (Puchko, 2018).

           Exchange the word “gifted/mutant” for “gay” in the previous clip, and the movie would have passed for solid LGBTQ representation. This movie was filmed before “the character Iceman realizes that he has been in the closet after his younger self confronts his older self in Uncanny X-Men (in a messy time-travelling episode)” (Vijaykumar, 2016), but the franchise as a whole still works to entice LGBTQ viewers for the marginalization that mutants feel in society that mirrors the lack of acceptance for LGBTQ individuals. Going back to the film, although Deadpool 2fails at giving enough exposure and time to focus on Deadpool’s pansexuality, it still adopts many of the themes from previous X-Men movies that argue for acceptance alongside of Negasonic’s relationship with Yukio. The movie provides its own anxious teen serving as a symbol for queer youth and their fight against with bigoted condemnation through flame-throwing Russell Collins” (Puchko, 2018). Russell, or “Firefist” lashes out in violence because of the torture suffered at the hands of Essex House’s mutant-hating headmaster whose techniques are similar to real-life “pray away the gay” conversion therapy (2018). Given that Russell is seen purely as a victim, regardless of the violence he instigated and the reckless choices he made that led to Cable searching for revenge against him in the first place show how damaging the lack of acceptance is for people in marginalized communities. Russell was persecuted because of his mutant status, and despite the film not exploring the canon texts of queer visibility in the comics in any nuanced way, it still provides some representation what is still a hilarious movie.

           I only just recalled the Celine Dion music video that came out before the movie that Deadpool did a music video to and is the song for the very Bond-esque opening credits for this movie. Check it below, both the music video and the opening credits.

Music video: 

Opening credits to Deadpool 2: 

Given that I’ve read the Deadpoolcomics, I saw the moments where Wade is flirting with Colossus as an affirmation of his sexuality in the most “Deadpool way,” that is, ridden with crude humor and sexual overtones. However, it is understandable to me where audiences would downplay those moments because the movie does not return to them or make them “a big deal,” when it needs to be in order to provide a critical and engaged LGBTQ character. Additionally, Deadpool’s character is very much an anti-hero. Although we see him have a couple heroic moments in this movie, he is still a mercenary who has a murder tally in the hundreds for the movies and thousands in comic books, which doesn’t bode well for overall positive LGBTQ representation. Also, given that the network Fox was subsequently bought out by Disney just prior to this movie’s release makes me concerned for the future of Deadpool and the X-Force as a whole because of Disney’s now long-running trick of the presenting their “first” LGBTQ character appearing in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene in recent movies (Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Onward). Personally, I identify as pansexual, so seeing a superhero movie where it was at least alluded to more directly, alongside an explicit lesbian couple appearing on-screen simply gives me great joy although I definitely want to see Hollywood go further in how it portrays queer characters. My biggest issue with the movie was actually that the character Yukio has already been portrayed in X-Men films and is actually at one point, dating Wolverine. Therefore, her relationship with Negasonic does not make any sense if one follows the movies and comics very closely, however, it is a sin I was willing to forgive because other than Yukio’s rather small presence in other movies, she shines in Deadpool 2.

References:

Armstrong, B. (n.d.). Deadpool 2 is Groundbreaking, But Still Lukewarm LGBT Representation. Retrieved October 2020, from Metzia.com <https://metiza.com/culture/lifestyle/deadpool-2-is-groundbreaking-but-still-lukewarm-lgbt-representation/>

Puchko, K. (2018). ‘Deadpool 2’ is the gayest superhero movie yet. That’s not saying much. Retrieved October 2020, from Mashable. <https://mashable.com/2018/05/20/deadpool-2-queer-representation/>

Romano, N. (2018). What Deadpool 2 gets right and wrong about Hollywood’s first LGBTQ Marvel heroes. Retrieved October 2020, fro, Entertainment Weekly. <https://ew.com/movies/2018/05/18/deadpool-2-lgbtq-superheroes/>

Scott, Darieck & Fawaz, R. (2018). “Queer About Comics.” American Literature 90(2), 197-219.

Vijaykumar, N. (2016). Wonder Woman and other LGBT characters in comics universe. Retrieved October 2020, from The Week. <https://www.theweek.in/webworld/features/society/lgbt-comic-characters-wonder-woman-deadpool.html>

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#queer media studies #deadpool #deadpool 2 #comics and zines #lgbtq representation #lgbtq relationships #wade wilson #ryan reynolds #pansexuality #xforce #xmen #hollywood films

[atinyhours]

reaction: ateez s/o being nonbinary

anon: maybe ateez reaction to their s/o being pan and defining themselves as nonbinary (yes okay i literally just described myself)

note: you also described me so!!! uwu anyways a gift bc im avoiding studying for finals. *reminder that this is just my opinion* also ateez doesn’t support terfs, truscum, or transmedicalists :) also this lowkey just turned into ateez as trans rights activists 👉👈

Hongjoong:

he seems like a pretty open guy, spent time learnign about gender and sexuality and sex and the differences

literally doesn’t matter to him what gender you are, as long as you still love him you’re all good

when you tell him he lets you speak before asking any question

prefaces every question with “i don’t want to make you uncomfortable so you don’t have to answer”

if you decide to change your pronouns or name he’s 100% on board

askes you who he can tell and correct when they misgender you bc he doesn’t want to out you or create any dangerous situations

buys you lots of new gender affirming clothes and celebrates small victories with you, like getting correctly gendered in public 

he’s your number one hype man

Seonghwa:

he is confused at first

like wtf is a nonbinary, but then you answer his questions and he googles the ones he’s too embarrassed about and BAM everything’s good

honestly as long as you’re still his baby he’s happy

is very aware of the gendered pet names he called you in the past and works very hard to find gender neutral alternatives

starts with normal ones like honey, or little one, but it slowly descends into madness

“hey sweet pancakes” “my lovely cloud” “my favorite cutie patootie booty”

spends time educating the boys so they know how to address you now 

he makes sure everyone respects the absolute hell outta you

no misgendering or mean comments here

or seonghwa will beat them up

Yunho:

this boy is the absolute sweetest thing in the entire world

when you come out he’s 100% supportive and ready to help you do whatever he can to help you feel gender euphoric

really just an angel

starts reading up more on trans identities and how he can support the community as a whole

buys trans flags/ nonbinary flags to hang up

he’s just really excited to be there for you and be the best ally he can be

is calm when helping you explain it to others and when you get frustrated he is there to educate when it gets exhausting

the kinda person to then question his own gender and question gender as a social construct entirely and start getting angry at baby gender reveals and color associations and fights back real hard 

Yeosang:

we all know yeosang shy, but he’s confrontational

someone fucks up your pronouns, this boy is THERE AND ready to calmy educate as long as people are trying, but fight if they’re disrespectful

obviously gives you all his clothes to wear if you decide you’d like a more masc look, but will take you shopping to buy you a new wardrobe if you decide you want to change the way you present

is always telling people “just bc my s/o looks like *insert sex here* doesn’t mean they’re not nonbinary” “clothing has no gender”

loves you with his whole heart and knows that the boys have his back always if they have to defend you

the kind of person to recommend resources that he can spread to help educate other people

kind smart boy trying to save the world

San:

very loud about your gender and pronouns

not in a dangerous way, he always knows who is around but screaming about how proud he is of you

always has the best intentions but some times gets caught up on things

“but if you don’t believe gender is like a real thing why are you so worried about wearing men’s clothes?”

you have to explain that even though you don’t like gender, the world does and presentation, although it is an individuals choice, you are attempting to appear more *insert gender here* in order to be perceived a certain way

this boy always has questions and criticisms of gender

ready to fight terfs, truscum and transmedicalists

gets in comment fights on the internet and attaches sources to back him up, san is serious as hell about this

Mingi:

confused to start

gender is super confusing anyways but the fact you can be neither/both really sends him overboard

switches name/pronouns right away and works real hard not to slip up

asks lot of questions all the time 

“so if gender isn’t on a spectrum, how does it work? like it is a pool of ducks and your gender is a duck just swimming along, no correlation to the other ducks?”

watches a lot of trans youtube videos to further understand

seeing other peoples experience really helps understand you and gender as a concept

king of gender neutral terms and pet names

you’re his royalty and nothing less

Wooyoung:

sweet boy 

a sweet lil boy who listens so well and tries his best

buys you things that he knows will make you feel gender euphoric

loves u more than anything in the world

he just really is proud of you for being vocal about your gender and standing up for yourself and educating people

absolute angel boy who has your back

if your relationship with him goes public he makes sure to always talk about your pronouns so its clear what they are

gets angry when the media misgenders you 

so vocal about how trans rigths are human rights

always finding new ways to educated himself and the people around him

Jongho:

like san he’s ready to fight anyone who tries to fuck with you

YOU GET A TRANS FLAG ! yOU GET A TRANS FLAG ! THE KITCHEN ! THE LVIINGROOM ! EVERYTHING IS TRANS AND GAY NOW!!

no but really tries his best to show you how supportive he is of you bc he wants you to know that who you are isn’t wrong

he knows the worlds a shitty place, and wants to make you feel safe at home with him

reads up on lgbtq+ rights and things to get a better understanding

uses his public platform to make sure lgbtq+ atinys know they are loved and always safe with ateez

a vocal ally !

he’s just the best boy i am soft now imaging jongho at a pride parade smiling and waving flags and :((((((( my boy

#ateez reaction #ateez #ateez fluff #ateez writing

[cripplecharacters]

What would a real experience in a psychiatric ward be like? Lots of sites say its good but they seem to be from non-patients. Do you also have any/know where I can find more reliable resources?

yeah, they’re awful. i’ll give my experiences, but they’re pretty intense. 

tw psychiatric abuse, suicide mention, sex ment, conversion therapy(?) under the cut. i’ll be getting a little personal and a little painful. a lot personal. i want to be clear: the only people these places help are those with unipolar depression and anxiety and EVEN THAT is only if you do everything they say and act the way they want. and are above the age of 35. and are nice to them. i take that back: it doesn’t matter what you have, if you don’t do whatever they say then they don’t help you.  i don’t actually mind giving my experience because venting is good.my experience is heavily tied to my being lgbtq/queer, but that by no means was the focus.

now, this is all worse-case… i’m sure there’s people who work at these places who are good people, but there’s bound to be people in the replies with their own horror stories and i recommend they share said stories and that you read them. and i do mean horror stories. first of all, it depends on the ward. short term facilities completely reduce your sense of freedom down to nothing because all they want is to make sure you aren’t going to kill yourself or someone else. in several places you are required to have a psych evaluation after a suicide attempt that lands you in the ER, some places skip it and just toss you into a short term facility. most people stay in those facilities for about a week at most, then move on to a long term facility if they need to stay longer. generally you get tossed in a room and have to wait until a counselor can see you, they usually make you go to their ‘group therapy’ which, in short term facilities, is pretty weak since most everyone there is exhausted and/or actually having a breakdown, but if you don’t go to groups they can mark you down as non-compliant and it’ll make it harder for you to be cleared to leave.the nurses can try to be sympathetic, but most of them have kind of reduced patients down to moving faces. they aren’t really sympathetic because to them, you’ll be gone in a few days, and your panic and fear will go away like it always does, and it’s not their problem. sure, they can handle a crisis- but they really aren’t all that kind and tend to get annoyed easily if patients don’t comply since they see so many patients they’ve stopped seeing them as individuals and just as nervous animals to be calmed, drugged, and booted out. sometimes the counselors will diagnose you with something completely off base and change all your meds before kicking you out, then you have to have everything changed back. seriously, if you don’t want to go to the groups, they make sure you know that it’ll keep you there longer. it doesn’t matter if you’re exhausted and want to rest. they made us go out and do “stretches” and lie down on linoleum. i don’t like touching the floor. they made me do it anyway. i can’t be still for long periods of time doing nothing. they made me do it anyway. granted, i was 14 and in the minors ward at that time, but still. if you’re too sick to eat, they mark it down and they’ll start breathing down your back about eating disorders. if you don’t do whatever you’re told, they usually imply you’ll have to stay longer. that’s essentially how they keep control. there’s a lot of ‘how’s your mood today’ and fake concern that hides that they’re just getting your info and wanting to move on. kids wards are especially horrible. they act like everyone there is a complete brat that is actively trying to cause trouble and they can and will make you sit in your room with nothing to do. 

also they WILL just change your medicine. the second place i went to as a minor just decided i didn’t need my stimulants, they didn’t believe in giving stimulants to people during nonwork days. they didn’t consult with me OR MY PARENTS, they just didn’t give me the medicine i’ve been on since i was five. adhd meds aren’t the types to cause withdrawal, but they keep me calm, awake, and alert, and when i’m not those things there really isn’t much being done. my mom went ballistic and pulled me out of that facility because they decided to screw with my medicine without asking anyone.

it’s pretty unanimous in any of these facilities that they think they are Always Right. ALWAYS. they can never ever be wrong. giving a 17 year old one of the most potently sedative antipsychotics out there instead of one less intense? they were absolutely in the right. thorazine WILL knock you out completely. i slept for hours on the couch in the rec room and it was my fault for not going to groups that day. 

i went to a long term facility literally a week after i turned 18. i had been told before i fit a lot of bpd symptoms and it was likely i had it, so i communicated that- i also communicated the horribly toxic and messed up friend situation i had been in the past two years, and i also communicated that i was asexual- big. mistake. they threw me into groups about healthy relationships and the counselor told me to my face that ‘sex is the most important part of intimacy’ and they kept drilling that i would forever be unhappy and toxic unless i listened and obeyed their concepts of healthy relationships and sex. again, i had literally just turned 18. most of the people in the facility had an average age of 35. i went there to process trauma and abuse and was treated like i needed to ‘get over’ my struggles in relationships- not the struggles that were actually there, like being unable to stand up for myself and communicate my needs, oh no- for my apparent resistance to intimacy and trust. those places medicalize the fuck out of being lgbtq- i had to also sit and go in depth about my dysphoria only for them to look at me funny (sorry nonbinary dysphoria weirds you out? my therapist understands it fine?) and continually gaslight me over and over about my experiences, my attraction, who i was attracted to and how- it was as though they had absolutely no idea how to interact with anyone lgbtq that wasn’t cis and gay and middle aged. i said i knew who i was: nonbinary, asexual, trans, not attracted to men: they used my close friendship that had been horribly toxic and traumatic with someone who wasn’t even a guy but who used he/him (or any) pronouns to try and convince me i was actually in love with him, because the concept of toxic friendships and relationships that aren’t romantic and are still painful exist. i still don’t know if they were trying to convince me i was a gay man or a lesbian, the trans thing confused them and they went back and forth with me not accepting my body or me not accepting being trans (i said i was trans?) if they do not immediately understand it, they want to make you say you’re something they do understand, because that way they’ll still be right. 

the gaslighting is something.a lot of these long term places (at least the one i went to) are meant for people older than the age of 35. they are meant for cishet people with depression. if you have issues that cannot be resolved with the treatment they give cishet people with depression, screw you. there WAS a trans guy in the ward who was given a decent amount of respect when they didn’t want him to talk about being trans in groups. they encouraged disclosure and they wanted to know everything. and again: you HAD to go to the groups, no matter how uncomfortable you are there. there’s not a lot of support for people who have disorders that Will Never go away- it’s just “coping strategies” for unipolar depression and anxiety and sometimes ptsd groups that i didn’t get to go to because i was too busy learning about sex and relationships. they acted like i was the one who could fix all my problems and i just needed to take charge and accept things and be kind to my inner child, but i’m a person with two personality disorders and severe dissociation. some things will NEVER go away, you can only learn how to manage symptoms as they come.and honestly i don’t think they even had very good depression and anxiety treatment. i feel bad for the people under the age of 25 who went there for depression treatment and were told it was something they could fix on their own. it’s not. 

these places are often old fashioned in that manner. the second you mention BPD, they go completely off the rails with treating you like you’re a menace to your relationships and you need to fix yourself before it’s too late. but that’s another story about how much BPD is stigmatized.  

also, they made me stay in a room with someone who snored despite the many free rooms. i know it meant ‘less rooms to clean’ but i have profound sleep issues and i’m autistic and have misophonia. i wanted to go out and sleep in on the couches in the open area but they just gave me earplugs and made me go back to bed. no sympathy. no sympathy for panic attacks or people dissociating. they shoved essential oils under my nose when i dissociated and i nearly hacked up a lung, those things are awful. 

you can’t just be left alone. you are NEVER alone, you can’t go and be quiet and be left alone, it is constant. you are stuck there and you cannot leave no matter how they attempt to sugar coat it: even if you went there willingly, they can keep you there if they say you’re a danger to yourself. they will check on you constantly if you want to be alone because you can’t want to be alone without being a danger to yourself, according to them. it’s not like people are autistic sometimes. it is IMMENSELY, unbelievably stressful. there is no being alone, they make you keep doors open, they make you viewable at all times- i can understand why, to an extent, but they have absolutely no sympathy for how you feel and don’t usually try to accommodate you either, so you just have to suffer through it. there are a million ways the rules to protect people could be better handled, but that would require being more one on one with a patient and actively being sympathetic to an individual’s needs, and you’ll just be leaving in a few weeks anyways, so why should they bother? there’s really absolutely no sympathy or compassion for the patients because they keep telling us to look at the big picture- when most of us are stuck in the here and now and the pain we are currently going through. 

anyways, i got bitter and angry, but that’s most of my experience. i have a lot of blurry memories i can’t really remember as bits and pieces, it’s all just one solid blur of six weeks of incredible stress. i hated every second and i learned absolutely nothing there because i’m not a 40 year old with depression, i was a traumatized teenager with several serious disorders. they were NOT equipped and they were stuck 30 years in the past. i was gaslit most of my time there about my relationships and my sexuality and my gender, about my illnesses and my life and my feelings- they’ll sit down and tell you in a gentle voice that you’re just stressed out and it’ll be okay, but then they don’t actually do anything to encourage that or help you be okay. they just claim to know how you feel, then insist on how you feel, then threaten you if you get mad. 

i honestly hated that place so much. there’s no compassion. they try to make it homey but it’s really just throwing a blanket on how they see the patients feelings as temporary and inconsequential.

I left learning absolutely nothing. i’ve gone further with my personal therapist than i’ve ever, ever went with the facility because she actively listens, respects, and understands me. 

there’s no respect in these places. none. they are for people with easily palatable anxiety and depression- if you have severe psychotic depression? you’re screwed. if you’re severely depressed and suicidal? you’re screwed. if you have constant panic attacks? you’re screwed. i mean the most basic concepts of those disorders, no room for anyone else. 

anyways.

as usual, reddit has a lot of first-person experiences to check out; there’s no doubt some about psych wards. this may be non conventional, but there’s a webcomic about an inpatient facility called ‘fresh meat’ that might be useful to look at. it’s about a 17 year old with depression who has to go to a psych ward. it’s really viscerally uncomfortable in all the ways these places are, and i frankly cannot recommend it enough if you want a good idea of how those places work (the author is mentally ill themself.) it made me a little ill how well it captured the dehumanization and gaslighting, even if it’s fiction, i think it’s worth a look if you want more ideas.  also check the post replies for people with their own experiences. -mod a

#psychiatric abuse tw #sex ment tw #hospitals tw #Anonymous

[onceuponawildflower]

How has your sexuality affected your religiousness? I know when I first starting following you years ago you were very involved in the church. Please feel free to ignore this question if it is uncomfortable/too personal/whatever. I just know many people who are afraid to truly be themselves because of the judgement that typically comes from their church families (among others I’m sure)

no it’s okay i don’t mind answering.

a few years back, back when i was v involved in the church, i also got v involved in nonviolent protesting and political activism (circa the noDAPL movement, Bernie, the big swing into immigration rights we’ve recently seen, the Syrian genocide, and the rise of Trump, etc). the more i got involved in those things, the more i became alienated by the church. i was asked to be part of worship less and less, some people distanced themselves from me. 

it eventually got to a point where i talked to the pastors multiple times, asking them what we were going to be doing to take a stance on human injustices. they told me that, i kid you not, ‘what you’re doing on the left end is as extreme as the far-right wing.’ they told me they wanted to stay centrist and not take a stand. in my last encounter with them they told me that they loved me as a sister, but they wouldn’t ever talk about the issues i was passionate about bc it would ‘go over peoples’ heads’. i left before the service that day and almost immediately after, i was excommunicated. like i lost my entire friend group and church family, i was taken off of worship, my pastor left one inflammatory comment on something i posted on fb and then blocked me. it was a whole to-do which really hurt. but also made me livid. but also i was exhausted, having tried so hard to encourage people to care for others as their religion had always encouraged and kept being met with comfortable apathy…

so while i was kicked out of that church and that was a whole lot to deal with on all facets of my mind, body, and soul, i also see it to be a blessing bc it opened up this whole new world for me, one that i never even gave myself an option to believe previously. i explored all the facets of spirituality and mysticism that i knew very little about other than the christian church saying they were sinful and demonic (purely bc they weren’t protestantism). i also began to explore sexuality beyond the purity garbage force fed to christians. and that’s where it probably started.

once i realized it was okay to dismantle the crippling system imposed upon people, mostly womxn but also men, that told them that sexual purity was of utmost importance but the same system that never provided any sort of guidance through anything sexual, ever, i started to heal my own wounds of trauma and naivety and began to love myself. like my whole self. not just as a physical being but as a spiritual vessel and goddess soul resting in flesh. 

i still have a long way to go and christianity really does fuck you up with ego and self-doubt and guilt and perfectionism, but it can be healed. i started listening to jamie lee finch and reading more about spiritual mysticism. i got into tarot and witchcraft and i know a lot of christians out there are probably rolling their eyes or laughing at me rn when they read this, but there is SO MUCH knowledge and wisdom around us in the natural world, much more than a book written by a bunch of men thousands of years ago. women hold so much power and goodness and wisdom and divinity, but christianity has all but wiped them out and done all it can to invalidate and eradicate the feminine divine. 

that feminine divine however, is what gives me life. it fuels me. it reminds me of my agency. it reminds me of my power. 

while all of this awakening was happening spiritually, so was my sexual awakening. it came in little nudges, like i would see womxn and want to cuddle them or hold them or kiss them or have what i thought was platonic relationships (nonsexual, intellectual, emotional lifelong partnerships). it scared me at first. a lot. i actually remember actively denying it. but also kept asking my queer friends about this sensation. i didn’t want to be pan at first or anything not straight. i actively opposed it bc i couldn’t imagine having to go through that transition with my family or my own self. i have been pretty emotionally exhausted for years now, and i didn’t think i could take that on too. while i was lgbtq+ friendly and an ally, it can be a totally different experience when you realize you’ve been suppressing something deep deep down unconsciously for decades. it’s really hard to explain really, and it’s still relatively new to me so bare with me here, i’m still feeling it out. 

the more i ignored it however, the stronger it came on. at one point i surrendered to it. i couldn’t help but just embrace it bc otherwise i was lying to myself. i allowed myself to be open and honest with myself and that was terrifying, but also very liberating, just getting it out there and allowing my sexuality to exist in the same space as me. i tried to figure out what exactly i was feeling and if i could categorize this to help create some clarity (virgo here). what resonated most with me was pansexuality. it wasn’t like i was attracted to men and women and that was my marker. it was more like i was drawn to someone’s energy before i even considered their sexuality/gender. someone’s emotional presence and aura drew me in and everything else came second. it didn’t matter to me if they were mxn or womxn or something more fluid and in between. i just was there for the energy. 

so i’ve been ‘out’ to my friends for a few months now, but i don’t think i’ll ever tell my parents, at least, i don’t think i will. i just know them and while they love people they love them through that christian lens. i’m very jaded still and forgive me for that, i will definitely need to go to therapy once i get insurance to help move beyond this. they still have a lot of resistance with lgbtq people, and that makes me really sad. i can’t imagine even nodding to the subject bc i know that we’re not going to meet in the middle. both of their kids are really liberal and not christian despite their best efforts, and they have become slightly less conservative since i was young, but now they’re just where that church i was kicked out of was, right in the middle, unbudgingly. 

i suppose it works out for us now, since i am openly pansexual/queer and my partner is a heteronormative male (though not entirely cisgendered and he’s comfortable being whomever he wants to be and i love that about him). from the outside, we look like a heteronormative couple, which is cool and convenient for my family. honestly, since i left christianity, i’ve had a different relationship with my parents, and i miss how close we were. but i know it’s not going to change bc i have 0 desire to return to that religion and they have 0 desire to explore anything outside of it. what relationship we do have now is nice, in its own scope. i just wish i could be real and honest and open and deep with them and that they would go there with me. but that’s okay… i have friends who can meet me there and a supportive and open partner and so this is really the best it can get for me realistically. i am v grateful for the people i have in my life. 

i don’t stay in touch with literally anyone from that church. no one talks to me anymore. they’ve all cut me out and as they know they can’t pull me back in they’ve exited altogether. that’s the christian agenda though, no? it’s all about bringing people in (at its best). just like door to door sales, if they know they don’t have a chance of making that sale, they’ll stop wasting their time and move on. bigger fish to fry. it hurts that i was only a (black) sheep in their flock, but at the same time, i have grown so much since i realized i could think for myself and be okay and not crippled by lack of a deity. i have no desire to return, and if those people couldn’t accept me then, they sure as hell won’t accept me now. but i don’t want that sort of energy in my life. i want authenticity. i want realness. i want vulnerability and openness and unconditional love. if you’re not willing to bring that, then i don’t really want to invest in you. simple as that.

now i’m not saying the way things went down for me are how it should be for anyone else, but i do encourage you and anyone else out there to feel your feelings. don’t be afraid of them. walk into those murky waters, if even with trepidation and wariness, at least move forward. bc otherwise you’re stagnating and stagnant water is dangerous (and smelly). foster a community of those who want to join you in your journey, who love you without any agenda. it is hard and can be incredibly painful but i do believe it’s worth it to live a life true to yourself rather than lie to ourself to appease the comfort zones of others.

that’s all i got. 

#personal #sexuality #church #christianity #my story #pansexual

[livsoulsecrets]

Nicotino College AU - Chapter 15: The truth

Masterpost

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Summary: Niccòlo attends the music school and is friends with Filippo, who started helping at the photography course after getting famous for his lgbtq+ activism as a photographer and youtuber. Marti is studying journalism in the same university and is convinced by Filippo to attend the photography course mister Boccia and Filippo himself are offering. Marti turns out to be terrible at it and needs Nico’s help to make a perfect final project to get approved.

June 11th

15:24

— Wait, you were at his place? — Elia asked, an eyebrow raised at Martino as if that was enough of a question on its own.

— Yes.

— And you guys didn’t, well… You know? — Luca almost whispered it, making Gio laugh in disbelief while Marti’s cheeks burned with embarrassment.

— For fuck’s sake, Luchino, why are you asking that? — Gio asked, trying to stop himself from laughing his ass off of the look on Marti’s face.

— I’m just curious, okay? You all are so annoying! — Luchino protested, rolling his eyes.

— Anyway… Did you, though? — Gio asked, not being able to control his curiosity.

— No, we didn’t. Can you please leave me alone now? — Marti finally answered after staring at Gio incredulously for some seconds.

— I told you, you’re too slow. — Elia argued, laughing at how Marti looked like he wished he was dead instead of having that conversation.

— Leave the poor boy alone. — Gio said, throwing his arms around Marti in a dramatic way. — Nothing to fear, my friend, I will keep you safe from them. — He whispered while Elia rolled his eyes.

— I hate you all. — Marti said under his breath while he pushed Gio off him. — We just hang out, talked about stuff, that is all. It just wasn’t the right time. — Marti got lost on the middle of the memories from the time he spent with Nico over the last Sunday, laughing, telling stories, planning the next steps of the project together.

He doesn’t think he will ever forget the image of Nico playing the piano just for him, his eyes closed, all of his being concentrated on getting every note right. The smile he opened up when he finished, asking Marti if he liked the piece. He didn’t say a thing, he couldn’t. Marti just took Nico’s face in his hands and kissed him hard, hoping the boy would understand what he meant. That while Nico played, Marti felt as if he was seeing something out of this world, almost magical.

— We’re still here, you know? — Luca kicked him in the leg, startling Marti.

— How could I forget? — Marti kicked him back, hoping that would be enough for the boys to let go of the subject. Elia seemed to be ready to make another of his terrible jokes when Gio’s serious look stopped him.

— Anyway, are you meeting him today? — Luchino asked and Marti wished he was better at staying mad at his friends.

— Yes, he is on his way. We will be doing my photos today. — Marti asked and he could have sworn Luca giggled.

He was kind enough not to comment on that, so all he did was take a look around, just to check if Nico was in his way.

— Anyway, I really gotta go, mom is waiting for me, apparently she needs help with the new TV. Again. — Elia said, taking a deep breath and picking up his backpack from the floor.

— I will come with you, I can’t stand to be here any second longer, need my bed. — Luchino said, following Elia in his goodbyes to Marti and Gio. Once they were gone, Gio turned to Marti, a smile on his face that was away too familiar at this point.

— What?

— Nothing. I have to go to meet Eva, actually. — Gio said, the annoying smile not leaving his face.

— Great, tell her I said hi.

— Will do. — Gio agreed, hugging Marti goodbye, his backpack hanging in his left shoulder.

Marti could pinpoint the moment Gio decided to say something again.

— And, Marti?

— Yes?

— Hope I get to know Nico at some point. — He said, somehow embodying so many things in a single sentence. It was a “Hope you stay this happy”, a “I’m glad you trust us with those things now” and a “I know what you feel for him is real, too real, so don’t run” all at once. Marti was glad he understood it so easily by now.

— I hope so too, Gio. — Marti answered, a half smile on his face that was enough to make Giovanni laugh a bit before walking away. Marti rested against the wall again, picking up his phone to check if Nico messaged him.

— So that is the famous Giovanni Garau? — Nico’s voice took Marti by surprise, which made Nico laugh.

— The one and only. Did you just get here? — Marti asked, half of his attention being dragged to Nico’s lips. A whole day without seeing him and Marti was already missing the sensation of kissing the other boy.

Maybe Elia was right, maybe Marti was in too deep, after all.

— No, I got here some minutes ago, but… Well, you were with your friends and I didn’t know if I should come over and say something or not. — Nico had his hands inside his jeans’ pockets, looking uneasy like Marti had never seen him.

— Oh, really? You should have come, this way you would meet them. — Marti offered, making Nico’s head snap back to him.

— You want me to meet them? All of your friends? — Nico asked, still insecure.

— Yes, of course. They want to meet you too. I mean, you’re meeting Elia this week anyway, he is coming on Thursday for the photos. — Marti couldn’t help but lay his hand on Nico’s. Nico smiles, his eyes cast down, looking at the floor.

— Letter B already, huh? — Nico’s astonished little laugh does things to Marti’s heart.

— Yeah, it’s going fast. — Marti doesn’t really know if he’s talking about the pictures or about them anymore. He doesn’t care though: Nico is so close and he can’t believe he didn’t kiss him yet.

He feels like he has to. He feels like he should.

So he does.

Marti closes his eyes and Nico meets him halfway for the kiss, his hand finding its way to Marti’s hair easily.

It’s over as fast as it started, but the fireworks are still going off all over his head.

They break apart and the world keeps spinning. They look at each other and nothing happens. He feels a bit lost because kissing Nico makes him feel so many things at once that it is surreal to imagine life can go on while it happens.

— I will love meeting Elia then. And all of your friends. You have a pretty good taste, after all. — Nico jokes, making Marti’s whole body shake with the laughter.

— I have never been told that before, Filo usually says I have the same taste as a eighty years old man who gave up on life. — Marti answers and he is only half joking.

— For some reason, that doesn’t surprise me. — Marti is caught by surprise in the middle of his laugh with Nico holding his hand while they walk away from the college. The boy seems to notice the same thing and moves to let go of Marti, but he stops him.

He likes the feeling. He likes holding onto to Nico, knowing he’s there. He likes the comfort and the safety.

With that last thought in my mind, he allows Nico to take him to whatever crazy location he decided on for the photoshoot.

17:45

— Just turn a bit more to the left, yes! It is great. — Nico tells him and Marti does so. He is already tired from the hours he spent walking around and following Nico’s lead in the whole “posing” thing.

Marti couldn’t deny it was fun, though. It was amazing to see Nico so concentrated.

Marti picked up the photography course because Filo was a pain on his ass for him to do so, talking and talking about how great it would be for them to work together.

The thing was that Marti also picked up that course because he wanted to know why Filippo loved photography so much, why that was pretty much the only thing in his life he took seriously. He remembered that Filo once told him that he always felt like himself with a camera in hand. That was the feeling Marti was after. The type of peace you can only find within yourself.

He didn’t find it in Boccia’s classes with thousand of lessons about light, color, techniques and camera positions. He didn’t even find it in Filo’s enthusiastic guidance.

To be honest, the only moments he actually got close to what he was looking for were the ones he spent by Nico’s side during this project.

Nico’s excitement just got to him in an incredible way. Martino saw his own friends in a completely different light, especially because he had a very clear goal on mind this time, just proving something he knew deep in his bones: being proud of who you are when that very thing is hated by so many people is the bravest thing you could ever do. And what better way of doing it than registering it in a photography? Something that never changes, that captures a moment, a feeling forever.

He liked how Fede, Silvia and Filo didn’t look all that different in the photos. The same smile, the same essence. Because the fact they aren’t straight is nothing more than a piece of the puzzle they form, but it is still a piece they are deeply proud of. Marti took a long time to see that. In some days, it is still hard to do so. Transforming all those complex feelings into a whole project meant the world to him. Having someone who understood it by his side meant the world to him.

Maybe that is why he had so many feelings for Nico already: because he was there while Martino learned to see the world in a new way, he was there while Martino was building his own pride. He didn’t judge, he didn’t ask for more than Marti could share.

The point was that Marti only started gasping why photography could be so amazing once Nico entered his life and for that he was grateful. — And, we are done! — Nico announced, putting the camera down and moving in Marti’s direction.

— Finally, I’m kind of exhausted. — Marti answered, to which Nico laughed.

— I get it. I usually am too after one of those sessions.

— Yeah, but at least it is not a stranger taking pictures of me. I would be even more embarrassed than I was.

— What? You were embarrassed, why? — Nico questioned, putting his hands on Marti’s waist.

— Well, a bit. You are like a model and I’m just me. So yeah, of course I was. But knowing it was you taking the pictures made it easier. — Marti’s voice was low since he was hiding his face in the crook of Nico’s neck, but the other boy still heard.

— That’s bullshit, Marti. — Nico answered after some seconds, surprising Marti. — I may be the “model”, but you? Damn it, Marti, you are the most beautiful person I know. Today just proved this to me all over again.

— Wow, most beautiful person you know? Including yourself? — Marti cracked a joke, of course. Because God forbid if he actually behaved like a normal person around Nico.

— Yes, idiot. Including myself. — Nico laughed at him, caressing Marti’s face once the boy finally gained the courage to face Niccòlo. — By the way, I am glad you felt more at ease with me taking the photos. It means a lot to me. — This time Nico’s voice was the one to lower.

— It is the truth. — With that, Marti moved to capture Nico’s lips after hours of being too close and too far away from him. — Thank you, by the way. What you said was really sweet.

— It is the truth. — Nico said right back at him without thinking twice.

— Damn it, Fares, you need to be careful here. I’m not used to getting so many compliments. — Their foreheads were touching and the moment felt special, unique. Marti’s tone was light, but they both seemed to know the hidden depth of Marti’s words.

— Sorry, but you might just have to get used to it.

Marti would be more than happy to do so.

📱-> Marti

📱-> Nico’s Instagram Post

Next Chapter

#skam italia #skam italia au #skam italia fic #au #my fics #nicotino #nicotino au #nicotino fic #niccòlo fares #martino rametta #giovanni garau #nicotinocollegeau #nicotino college au #luca colosio #elia santini #skam italy

[polyrolemodels]

Mx Nillin

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Personally? Less than 5 years. I’ve been non-monogamous with my nesting partner, Falon, for about 4 years now, but neither of us explicitly identified as polyamorous until we started seeing our best friend Kate about a year ago. 

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

Falon and I are legally married and live together in a tiny apartment with a cat and two guinea pigs. We’re in a romantic, sexual, and emotional relationship with our best friend, Kate, who lives on her own a short drive across town.

Kate doesn’t want to ever get married or live with anybody else. She really values having her own place to herself and so do we, so, it just works out for everybody really well! We all see each other multiple times a week, binge watching Netflix shows, playing nerdy tabletop games, going on date nights, checking out local events, or trying out threesome positions for ourselves and then blogging about them [http://mxnillin.com/will-it-threesome-double-dip/] LOL

Though Fal, Kate, and I are in a closed polyamorous triad together, we’re all still non-monogamous to a degree. Each of us has a friend or two we sometimes share nudes and flirt with outside of our relationship, but the three of us are all romantically committed to each other.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Ugh, honestly, I wouldn’t say that I “excel” at anything so much as I’m just doing the best I can to look after my own health and wellness while also striving to be the best partner I can be to Kate and Falon.

I used to be REALLY bad at the whole self-care thing and it lead to a lot of fear, anxiety, insecurities, and jealousy in my past relationships. I almost exclusively relied on those who I was intimate with to just comfort me until I felt better. In some cases, I put the entire onus of my mental and emotional health onto my past partners. Unsurprisingly, that created some incredibly fucking unhealthy behaviors as I sought out a pretty constant supply of comfort, validation, and assurance from them in order for me to feel happy and secure in those relationships.

That’s not so much an issue for me anymore, and I’m really proud of that because it has taken a lot of hard work to unlearn those toxic behaviors, develop healthier personal habits, and overall better communicate with the people who I love. I’m also much more on top of taking my anti-depressant pills, and going in to see my counsellor, when necessary.

That’s not to say I’m some stoic, chill master of my emotions or anything. Insecurities still crop up, jealousy sometimes rears its head, and on occasion a little validation is appreciated, but I think all of that is pretty natural

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

The stigma. Holy shit, the stigma

I‘ve never loved two people at the same time, and in the same ways, before. I’ve never been committed to two partners at once before. Like, it’s no exaggeration when I say that my relationship with Falon and Kate has shattered my entire perspective of life, love, family, the institution of marriage, identity, politics, and so much more.

And all for the better, I might add!

But polyamory isn’t something you see reflected back at you by society, especially not in any sort of positive, judgement-free way. It’s not a relationship structure that’s even sorta socially, politically, governmentally, or economically accepted, let alone widely acknowledged, talked about, written about, ore seen out in public. And it sure as shit isn’t represented in a lot in literature, or art, or media of any kind… at least not in ways that don’t tend to be fetishizing or tragic. 

I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen any sort of show about an everyday non-binary queer navigating life with their poly family? Never? Yeah, me neither.

All of this has led to us having to pretty regularly endure super shitty, awkward situations of us having to be in the closet depending on who we’re interacting with at any given time. Trying to remember who you’re out to, and who is SAFE to be out to, is exhausting and stressful for us all.

And that fucking blows. Yet it’s oftentimes necessary for all our safety.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

I talk about it with my partners. A lot. We check in with each other pretty often and we don’t let difficult discussions go undiscussed for long. 

And I write about it too! Maybe too much at times haha.

I find that by putting myself out there, speaking up about my experiences and relationships, it has helped me empower others in their poly relationships while offering me the opportunity to learn from them as well. Especially other sex bloggers, writers, and workers.

I’ve also surrounded myself with a pretty amazing little family of queer and trans folks who have been wonderful supports in my life.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Clear, concise, honest communication has been key. Fal, Kate, and I are all aware of each other’s past partners and we’ve all tested ourselves for STI’s. Currently, we’re all fluid-bonded together, so, condom usage isn’t really there like it used to be. However, we still make sure to boil any sex toys that are shared (between uses), keep our nails trimmed, use lube as needed, and generally make sure that we’re listening to and respecting each other’s boundaries.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that? 

Not sure if this is really a polyamory mistake so much as it is a boundaries issue. A couple years ago, shortly after Falon and I were married, I had JUST started blogging about how non-monogamy worked for us when we became good friends with somebody we had met through our local LGBTQ+ community. Early on in the friendship, the three of us mutually masturbated together, but we were very explicit in expressing that we were not looking for a relationship of any kind and that the three-way ‘bating was just for fun and probably not a regular thing. 

End of story, right?

Not so much. While Fal and I felt that we were very clear, and that our friend had understood, he instead doubled down. Over the months that followed, he ended up inserting himself into our relationship in a lot of invasive ways that on their own looked innocent enough, but when considered all at once were actually quite manipulative. Then one day he tries to show up at our house to talk with Falon, and when they said they weren’t feeling comfortable taking right now (he was being very pushy) he just forced the conversation anyway by professing his love to them. Oh, and me too, but only as an afterthought when Falon made it clear they were NOT interested.

Things went downhill from there really fast as we started to realize the real degree of his intrusiveness, complete with finding out he had been self-sabotaging opportunities for himself because he had this thought in his head that we’d all live up living together.

Anyway, it’s a long story overall but Fal and I learned a lot about what we were and weren’t comfortable with and set even cleared boundaries with others. That whole thing was bad enough that it almost turned us off from non-monogamy and polyamory altogether though. Luckily, we worked through it because several months after that gong show things started up with Kate, which has been amazing!

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like polyamory intersects with or affects those identities?

I am a fat, queer, non-binary, loud, foul-mouthed sex blogger with hairy tits, a girl cock, and a full-on fetish for actively subverting social roles and expectations… so of course I’m also polyamorous haha. Seriously though, over the last several years I’ve radically transformed myself as a person, to better reflect who I’ve always been but didn’t feel safe or confident being until my late twenties. I had to, because if I didn’t I was on the fast track to self-destruction [but that’s another story entirely]. 

Now, for the first time ever, I feel empowered to live my life as my authentic self and it turns out that a big part of that has included being polyamorous. Monogamy, at least in how it exists in our culture, has always felt incredibly restrictive, uncomfortable, and toxic to me personally; whereas falling in love with Falon and Kate, opening myself up to them both and forming our queer little polycule, has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me since I came out as queer and trans.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

You can find the vast majority of my work on my blog at www.mxnillin.com. One of the most popular features there is "Mx Nillin Fucks", a blog post series in which I stick my girl cock in a wide variety of inanimate objects, mostly foods so far,  as makeshift masturbation sleeves and write about how good or bad it is. This year is themed "Back to Basics" and has focused on classic masturbation items (banana peels, socks, DIY penetrables, melons, etc.). Outside of this you can also find me regularly participating in #SexEdPornReviews tweets for The Crash Pad Series.

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Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at  https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

#polyamory #nonmonogamy #fat #queer #nonbinary #bloggers

[curious-minx]

Entering into a new dawn of Corporatist Neoliberalism, all while leaving behind a rising Fascist Empire. A solid Bob’s Burgers and a surprisingly decent Simpsons is your reward.

“Fast Time Capsules at Wagstaff School”  once again finds the show operating in the territory it does best: A Poignant twee commentary with the junior Belchers and a nearly pointless sideplot with the adult Belchers that actually sports a satisfying conclusion. The ingredients of a quality kids subplot requires a touch of Tina having the conflict of wielding too much power passed down to her by Mr. Frond whose mere appearance reliably bumps an episode up a notch. This episode not only also weaves the usual Tammy and Jocelyn jealousy games with Tina but also splashes two other of Tina’s peers into the mix: Jim Gaffigan’s Kelsey Grammar indebted Henry Haber and girl friend Sasmina voiced by National Treasure Aparna Nancherla. The episode focuses primarily on Tina’s gatekeeping of the contents of the Wagstaff time capsule. A particularly timely concept for a year where history is a constant 24/7 newsfeed of dramatic historical importance. 

I fold up my muted pink streaked swimming trunks and put them into my personal time capsule. No way will I ever be braving a public beach or swimming hole. The act of exposing any amount of flesh during a pandemic is unthinkable, but in another 50 years I am sure there will be a lot more living to do. The episode goes even further in poignancy with layering a coinciding  Louise conflict over a pair of Boyz4Now lands a lot differently in these Quarantined Times. Never have I related to Louise and her desire to go see a cute pop group sing in an intimate live setting, singing such hits like “Your Heart Fell On The Floor, Let Me Get It For You,” a level of cuteness not even Belle and Sebastian or The Magnetic Fields could probably come up with. The main plot moves along with a clean efficiency of storytelling bringing Louise and Tina conspiring together using their combined sister brain to retrieve the tickets, but due to further conflicting interests. The episode concludes with the characters taking their personal losses and rolling with the punches, which is another central sweet spot. Earlier on the series I felt like the Belcher family were constantly losing and being put down upon by the world around them. The pendulum of justice remains in flux giving the Belchers and friends minor victories, but the last image of this episode really gets to me.  The sight of group of kids  in a parking lot bonding by singing the hit “Someday We’ll Spoon” as it plays off in the distance. Another song title that hits so much harder than it ever could have without the rampaging socially distanced disease.

“If you see a cop, whistle!” - Teddie, and me whenever I see a cop because I always make sure to harass and wolf whistle at cops like they were a piece of construction worker street meat. 

One of my new favorite Bobspressions. 

The B plot with Bob and Linda is essentially that Bob can whistle, but Linda cannot, although Linda can roll her R’s. This teasing and taunting domestic squabble is cushioned by the looming gentle omnipresence of Teddie. Teddie, Bob and Linda are a solid trio and play off each other as characters really well and the repartee between the characters feels a lot looser than it has in past episodes of this season. The subplot culminates in Teddie making one of my favorite comedic moves being dependent on his parasocial relationship with Bob and Linda’s marriage. Teddie is the friend that believes in the love of his friends’ marriage more so than his own friends do and it’s always pretty touching to see Teddie play that card. The adults largely stay completely static inside a one-shot of the restaurant with Bob in the kitchen window, but there is a discernible rise and fall conflict between Bob and Linda that culminates with simple silly sweetness. Once again the adults are left fuddling around in their comfortable boxes and squares they have created for themselves, while the children are foisted out in the world having to deal with Future. 

One other particularly timely one-off joke that the writers would have no way of knowing how timely and off-putting it would be is when Eugene makes a reference to Sean Connery. Gene compares Linda to the late actor responding to Linda on her R syllable rolling flexing. I am sure the writer of the episode felt some kind of something with this episode airing a week after the man died. 

This episode is a Boyz4.5(4)Now. 

///

Thankfully this next episode of the Simpsons did not trot out Mr. James Bont. Episode 5 of Season 32 “The Seven Beer Itch” is a rebound episode from the last three exhausting conceptual excursions. I failed to do a write up on the Season 32 premiere episode, “Undercover Burns,” which I give a Pass (A Pass btw means that you won’t be harmed passing this show through your system, whereas Skip speaks for itself). Both the season opener and this fifth episode are just Simpsons episodes based in and around Springfield. No historical role-play or contrived literary surrogate puppet shows. This episode initially begins filling the viewer with “Simpsons on Holiday” dread opening the episode with The Groundskeeper Willie serving as the episode’s narrator. What’s completely confounding is that Willie has no bearing on the plot of this episode in any way whatsoever other than the fact that both he and UK Treasure Olivia Coleman are both from across the Pond. 

The Simpsons have become one of the most musical series on television, and frankly it  saps away the energy of the when songs pile on top of one another. I know I  should be more wickedly delighted by having The Gosh Dang Favourite singing a pub song to Homer at Moe’s Tavern, but instead these songs make me go dead inside. Especially when Dan Castellaneta has to be a total diva belching out melodies with honey voiced Barney. Maybe if the songs were relegated to once a season or specifically to the ending credit sequence a la Bob’s Burgers that would be one thing, but a song  (or three! Or five!) per episode is simply too busy. Then again “busy” describes everything about the Simpsons in 2020. The show continues to astound me visually with Springfields starry purple skies, brief glimpses of London clock towers served up alongside Marge and kids trip to Martha’s Vineyard. We even take a pit stop in California with Olivia Coleman’s Lily doing a forced, weirdly gentle riff with Leonard DiCaprio (who goes uncredited, making matters even stranger). Overall, modern Simpsons is the nicest looking adult animated sitcom around until Tuca and Bertie comes back on air. That being the said the plots of each episode feel like they are being pulled out of a magic foam wizard’s hat stuffed to the brim with Simpsons conceits. This week the writer’s pull Homer Seduction from out of the hat.

The Homer seduction plot can be traced back as early as Season 3 with the episode “Colonel Homer.” This episode more or less grafts its main plot swapping out a Pretty Country Singer with a Charming British Lady. The songs in “Colonel Homer” were actively related to the plot with country star Lurleen Lumpkins becoming infatuated with Homer Simpson, because he’s, he’s a simple and um sweet man. Homer has fidelity! 32 plus years on the air and Homer still remains the kind of man that will still choose his wife over whatever hot piece of Academy Award Winning voiced action comes his way. 

I will end this review with this image of Homer giving us viewers come hither and fuck me eyes. Imagine an artist sitting down and drawing Homer Simpson giving you this coquettish glance and try not feeling sick with existential dread:

This episode deserves a Pass.

///

Addendum:

A response to Digital Spy and hand wringing queerness out of a cartoon child 

The article in question is available here. 

The journalist of this article insistence that Lisa be a LGTBQ+ icon is understandable, but taking umbrage with Yeardely Smith’ for saying that she views Lisa as a child is queasy and infuriating. Smith isn’t a Karen trying to rob Lisa of her Queer freedom. Lisa’s queerness is innate and subtly woven into the character and explicitly spelled out in future glimpses of the character. I really shutter to think what the Simpsons mostly white and male writers room would concoct for a “queering” of Lisa. Dissecting and analyzing a cartoon child’s sexuality is all fun and games, but the world is also dying and full of real life children, not cartoon characters, in pain far more worthy of our concern. I would much rather there be support for Queer artist making their own adult animated sitcom and let Lisa Simpson just be a little girl that loves as Yeardely Smith calls “girly things.” Interpret this literally. Lisa is a cartoon girl living in a cartoon world and she’ll probably grow up to be a nonbinary polyamorous Super Computer or Sax Master General.

If you haven't already I strongly recommend readers check out Smith’s appearance on the currently defunct podcast Harmontown. In the episode “I Was A Simpson” she comes across as charming and thoughtful and worth a listen. She’s not someone that strikes me as a hateful advocate of queer erasure. She strikes me as a cagey performer not wanting to nail down too many concrete details about her character. Ultimately the writers and Smith know Lisa is a queer character,  but unless the show is willing to hire a LGBTQ+ writer to help create a Queer Coming of Age centric coming of age episode I am content with having her identity be nudged and winked at in glimpses of the future and left at that. Good grief. 

#Tv #Tv series #TV review #bob's burgers #the simpsons #2020 #fall 2020 #fox #animation domination #Oliva Coleman #feminism #lgbt representation #lgbt discourse #lgbt #harmontown

[fapangel]

Since I first issued my dire predictions of civil violence in the not-so-distant future, I’ve been looking, exhaustively, for evidence I’m wrong. III Have you considered this angle: The traditional media's hyping that up? I mean, we know in the early/mid 60's the newspapers and cameras focused on the small number of violent protestors during anti-war protests and made them out to be the majority. If the media has no shred of integrity left, why are you looking at them for evidence of integrity?

That’s just the thing - I’m not. I’m looking at people. at the “man on the street” and in both my personal life (as in actual meatspace, not online) and in actual journalism (some people still do it, outside and inside the mainstream establishment,) I’m seeing a decidedly worrisome tone. 

We all remember “literally shaking” on Twitter the night of the election, but there were other words going around quite a bit - sick, disgusted, afraid, scared, etc. Twitter - as it’s used by the majority - gives a quick insight into the personal emotions of the people using it. (This is why PR uses that bank on the presumed intimacy - like Trump’s twitter - tend to be more successful, and more careful, sterile treatments, like the Clinton campaign that took 12 staffers and 10 drafts to compose a single tweet, typically lack traction.) Sure, us seal-clubbin neocons and tree-hugging liberals had a good giggle at the triggered snowflakes breathlessly predicting the Right Wing Gestapo emerging from the woodwork to bash the gays - but then a friend of mine told me it’d actually happened, post-election, to a friend of his, and that’s when my laughter stopped. 

As was explained to me, the LGBTQ folks feared that Trump’s election would be seen as “permission” by all the knuckledraggers, and it seems it was. So it’s time to ask yourself the question - how did the knuckledraggers get that impression to begin with? Maybe - just maybe - it had something to do with the media screaming, 24/7, for months, that Trump was literally Hitler and that he was going to oppress all the gays and Jews and Muslims and fluffy bunnies. “Of course he’s Our Guy,” the Illinois Nazis said with glee, “the entire news media keeps screaming about it!” 

Also consider that the media’s reinforcing the left wing’s narrative, which makes people on the left wing much more likely to believe it since it’s validating their own beliefs. Vox.com has an excellent article on the Russian conspiracy blitz and why it’s playing so well with Democrats, and the author is neither a Trump fan or apologist (as is abundantly clear from the article itself.) It’s worth reading entire, but this quote stands out: 

“Misinformation is much more likely to stick when it conforms with people’s preexisting beliefs, especially those connected to social groups that they’re a part of,” says Arceneaux. “In politics, that plays out (usually) through partisanship: Republicans are much more likely to believe false information that confirms their worldview, and Democrats are likely to do the opposite.”

The article accurately compares the current phenomena to the entire “birther” movement on the right - it’s the exact same psychological phenomena, so unsurprisingly you see it manifesting with human beings on both sides of the spectrum. A lot of politics falls into that category, and it’s where most of that “political common ground” I keep talking about can be found. The difference is that the Left controls the lion’s share of the communication media and in turn, our culture. Hollywood - a cultural engine if there ever was one - is extremely left wing and has been since before McCarthy’s day. The modern telecommunications and internet media, which lives and breathes in Sillicon Valley, is likewise invested in the left wing; Erich Schmidt, chairman of Alphabet (Google’s parent company,) founded a PAC to give Hillary’s campaign IT support during the election, and we all remember how the CEO of Mozilla was hurled out of office because he dared to cast a private, anti-revolutionary vote. The next time you hear leftists talking about how “de-platforming” is legitimate, remember that the leftists literally own the fucking platforms. Nobody’s gonna find your conservative site if Google de-lists it. This is the problem - both sides have their lunatics willing to swallow any shit they’re being shoveled, but only one side has a massive megaphone that’s actively colluding - complete with sticky-handed twitter high-fives - to push the same narrative across the board, and cross-validate it. 

Hilariously, the Vox author (Kevin Drum) doesn’t see it, making the article a self-demonstrating one: 

Luckily for the Democratic Party, there isn’t really a pre-built media ecosystem for amplifying this like there was for Republicans. In the absence of left-wing Limbaughs and Breitbarts, media outlets totally unconcerned with factual rigor, it’s much harder for this stuff to become mainstream.

… except he does see it, because he goes on to name some examples (and some tweets) of people chugging the kool-aid… but all of them Democratic politicians or DNC staffers who should know better, not the media itself. He’s clearly intelligent and well-balanced, he’s standing in the middle of a bullshit cyclone he knows is bullshit, but he’s only just now starting to smell the rot and he hasn’t even noticed objective journalism’s decaying corpse yet, despite standing in its ribcage. If someone like him can be so stymied, how do you think That Guy - you know, [the bitter old man |the aging hippie creep] who always [ sits on his porch yelling at birds | shuffles around Trader Joe’s in grungy sandals comparing kale prices] and blames everything on [ dat gal-dern Mooslim Obongo | the military-industrial-jew-lizardman-complex] is going to react?

Some people do actually believe this shit and they are mostly Democrats - hell, here’s a Gallup poll with the numbers if you doubt my analysis. And to re-iterate, they’re inflaming extremists on both sides of the spectrum, because the more violence antifa commits, the more the Illinois Nazis will croon “see, we were right all along!” 

The traditional mass media engaging in this shit is much, much worse than the right-wing “alternative news ecosystem,” the blogs, the talk radio hosts, infogiggles, etc. They’re all personality-based and those personalities differ and disagree (if they didn’t, how would they offer content distinct from what the others offer?) This is natural, because conservatives argue. They argue a lot. It might surprise some of you given how often the media portrays the NRA as triple Satan, but there’s gun rights groups that exist specifically because some conservatives think the NRA is too wussy. You’ve got social conservatives, business/free market conservatives, REEE TAXES conservatives, etc., and they rarely see eye to eye. Ann Coulter - the Screeching Enchantress herself - once wrote that “Republicans can’t put together a two-car funeral without writing six books denouncing each other.” 

You don’t see this on the left - not in the media, at any rate. There’s more to this than just the obvious mainstream media collusion; the back-slapping and twitterwank, although their deliberate and conscious effort plays a huge part. There’s also how the left wing thinks. 

If you’re old enough to remember the Bush years, you’ll remember how often the left would attack Rush Limbaugh - even though an entire ecosystem of conservative, national talk-radio had sprung up by then, so he was no longer The One And Only Conservative Voice In Mass Media. Liberals treated - and attacked - him as the de facto leader of the right wing, and this puzzled conservatives no end, because a pundit, however clever, is not a goddamn politician or leader. 

The left wing, however, thinks differently. Unlike classical liberalism, which is mostly concerned with balancing the inherent rights of individuals with the rights of every other individual in a social contract, the leftists (communism/socialism/etc.) focus on the  collective as the central, essential point, and move from there. This is why “virtue signalling” exists; leftists care very much about what others think of them. Emmet Rensin’s essay on smugness in liberalism, which I’ve mentioned many times, showcases it well; while describing his subject, he also illustrated the mechanisms by which it manifests - left-wing culture. Everything he described - the virtue-signalling to others that you know the correct facts, the knowing, even the “Eye roll, crying emoji, forward to John Oliver for sick burns,“ exemplifies it. This Mother Jones writer’s reaction to his piece has a telling line: 

“I’ve long since gotten tired of the endless reposting of John Oliver’s "amazing,” “perfect,” “mic drop” destruction of whatever topic he takes on this week.”

They key here is John Oliver. When leftists look at Rush Limbaugh, they see a conservative John Oliver - in short, a demagogue. Demagogues and cults of personality have always been of prime importance with the left wing - remember how Obama was lionized by the left during his first campaign? To say nothing of the Kennedy’s being immortalized as “Camelot.” Yes, conservatives liked Reagan a whole lot, but we don’t vote in entire fucking royal dynasties, which is why Low-Energy Jeb is cooling his heels right now. And these demagogues, you’ll note, are all on the same page when it comes to ripping into conservatives… and their epic, wicked put-downs then become The Big Joke that the left wing retweets and reblogs and parrots to each other ad nauseum. Remember Tina Fey’s mockery of the only working mother leftists have ever despised? I’ve seen people on facebook quote “I can see Russia from my house” fully believing that Sarah Palin herself said it - the Tina Fey skit is the reality, for them. Truth is lost around the twentieth re-tweet, or so. 

And these “comedians” - in truth, pundits and opinion columnists - base their jokes on whatever quote-unquote “revelations” aired in the mainstream media’s news broadcasts that morning. 

If you’ve ever noticed how quickly a new catchphrase or word gets onto every leftist’s lips - like “fake news” - this is how it’s done. It’s not just the mass media moving in lockstep co-ordination to get the message out; it’s how the phrases become the newest “in-thing” with the entire leftist culture, that then get bandied about in the social sphere, on and off-line. After the cruise missile strike on Syria, I watched, on /pol/ alone, about thirty different varying interpretations, everything from “Assad and Putin are unironically heroes shove omfg I love facism Trump why u blow them up” to “I HOPE HE DROPS A MOAB ON RUSSIA NEXT FUCK THE REDS NUCLEAR WAR NOW” to a bunch of “he’s really playing 64 dimensional chess check this shit just you wait” that covered everything in-between. And that’s just on /pol/, which is so full of bullshit and jokes they literally made a fucking containment board for the containment board - called /bantz/. You don’t see this in the leftist blogosphere - the opinions all align the same way and vary only in magnitude of gibbering lunacy. And the John Oliver quotes don’t just define the conversation, they define the fucking language - for instance, “Drumpf.” 

Do not, for one second, think that the media doesn’t know how all this shit works. They may be delusional, but they don’t control and run vast media empires because they’re stupid. And a lot of them have been at this for a long, long time. 

#donald trump

[kor-knight]

You belong with me

YoonKook AU based off the Taylor Swift song “You belong with me” cause I’m trash and shouldn’t be allowed to write stories lmfao.

Word Count: 7.4k

Yoongi can hear the yelling from his room. Its pretty hard not to. At least not when he’s become so attuned to listening.

Jeongguk is pacing his room when Yoongi looks over, phone against his ear and a frown marring his pretty features. Yoongi wants to march over there and run his fingers the crease in Jeongguk’s brow, maybe kiss him, maybe tell him he loves him, maybe cuddle him for hours to bring that adorable smile back, the one with his front teeth showing like a bunny.

But he can’t.

He shouldn’t.

Not when Jeongguk is arguing with his boyfriend.

Not when Yoongi and Jeongguk have been best friends – and neighbours – for years.

Not when Jeongguk doesn’t love Yoongi back.

He sits on his bed, glancing between the forgotten textbooks that lay before him and his window, watching as Jeongguk moves around in frustration. And Yoongi knows it’s frustration too. Has known the younger for long enough to distinguish the tense shoulders, the slightly narrowed eyes, the teeth chewing precariously on his lower lip. Jeongguk would do those things when they were younger, when a random other kid at the playground didn’t want to let him and Yoongi join their games. Or when he got a little older, and was grounded for the first time because he snuck out to go to a party.

A buzz startles Yoongi from his thoughts, cheeks flushing as he looks down to his phone, finding a text from his very own boy next door.

Gukkie 8:46pm

You look lost in thought :p

Yoongi glances up, eyes widening when he catches sight of Jeongguk sitting on his bed, head tilted to the side ever so slightly and – looking right over here. His heart does a swooping motion quickly, when he flushes and fumbles for his phone to reply, Jeongguk tilting his head back in a silent laugh.

Yoongi 8:50pm

Was just doing homework. ;;

Biting his lip, Yoongi watches as Jeongguk reads the text, nodding in understanding and moving to stand up.

With a brazen act of courage Yoongi didn’t think he’d muster, he quickly typed out another text before the other turned his attention away.

Yoongi 8:51pm

You ok?

Yoongi watches as Jeongguk almost dives for his phone, a little chuckle escaping as he peeks through his bangs, watching, waiting.

Jeongguk types furiously, tongue sticking out and making Yoongi’s breathe leave in one fallow swoop.

Gukkie 8:52pm

Yeah, I’m fine.

Just you know

Tired of all the drama. -_-

Jeongguk shrugs when Yoongi looks back up. He looks so tired. Shoulders sagged now that his frustration has manifested into exhaustion. Yoongi can only imagine what it’s like, being in his position.

Yoongi 8:54pm

I’m sorry ):

... I love you [Draft]

Delete Draft?                             [Yes]                        No

Draft Deleted.

When Yoongi gains the courage to look back up across the window, Jeongguk has already closed his curtains, the light dimming. Heaving a sigh, Yoongi flops back down on his bed. Why did he have to be such a coward? If he’d just told Jeongguk how he felt back in freshman year, back when Yoongi was Jeongguk’s whole world, being a year older and all that jazz, then things would’ve been so much different. Instead, he waited, feigning ignorance on his own damn feelings because he thought that Jeongguk wouldn’t leave him. He was a little nerdy, a lot dorky, and far too tall and skinny for his limbs to work properly. Yoongi had no doubt that he would be Jeongguk’s only friend going into his latter years of high school.

Except everything took a turn for the worst.

Or well, worse is a relative term in this case.

Because when Jeongguk arrived in high school, fresh off a summer of working out and puberty hitting him like a goddamn semi truck. The whole school wanted to be his friend. He suddenly had several after school projects, clubs and people that vied for his every second of extra attention. And because Yoongi was thoughtful, and considerate, he shook off Jeongguk’s apologies when he missed a hangout between them, when he cancelled on their weekly Saturday night impromptu piano classes, or when he stopped texting Yoongi back in general.

It was fine though, because they were still neighbours. They still walked to school together. Yoongi still waited at the bench on the curb between their houses for Jeongguk every morning, a book in his lap and music playing softly.

Everything was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Not two weeks into Yoongi’s Junior year, Jeongguk’s sophomore year, when it happened.

Word spread quickly, and at first Yoongi didn’t believe it. He’d spent the latter half of summer vacation hanging out with Jeongguk like they used to, playing video games, Yoongi teaching Jeongguk the piano, or hanging out at the mall, gut loading each other with cheese fries and large sodas. So, it’s understandable that Yoongi chose not to believe the recent gossip. Simply shrugging when someone asked him for confirmation on the topic. Yoongi didn’t know the answer, because Jeongguk hadn’t told him anything since school started.

But then he saw them.

There they were, bold and smiling and oh so popular, flitting around one another with an ease that Yoongi wished he had with the younger.

Jeongguk and Jimin – Yoongi knew of Jimin, but never formally ‘met’ him because of conflicting interests, and you know, jealousy – took the school by storm. Everyone knew about them, or of them, or wanted to be around them.

It’s not that surprising how quickly news spread. Star Quarterback Jeon Jeongguk, holder of one city championship already and he was only in his second year of playing Football, was dating head Cheerleader Park Jimin, the dance prodigy turned Cheer captain that brought his squad to regionals two years in a row. Not only was Jeongguk not out, but everyone knew of him as a bit of a heart breaker, always having piles of girls confessing, but never any one that stuck.

Sure, Jeongguk went on dates with them, but it always ended with a chaste kiss on the cheek or something equally mundane and not at all sexual, and he’d move on to the next.

So to hear that he was now in a committed relationship with none other than loud and proud, LGBTQ advocate Jimin?

Yeah. Yoongi was baffled.

But considering his dwindling place in Jeongguk’s life, what with all the sports and dates and now his boyfriend, Yoongi chose to plainly ignore everything, and simply just keep his cookie cutter part of the deal.

Jeongguk wouldn’t just forget about him.

...Right?

                                                          ---

Yoongi was sitting at the bench – their bench – early one morning, ear buds in and music loud. He was waiting for Hoseok to show up, being his ride and all that jazz, but had decided to wait outdoors instead of inside, since it was beginning to become chillier nights, this was a rare occasion to be able to sit outside and not freeze to death.

He was so engrossed in his music and novel that he didn’t even hear the door slam behind him, only jumping with a start when a pair of hands covered his eyes.

“-The fuck you think you’re do- Jeongguk?” Yoongi blanked, blinking deadpan as Jeongguk sat gingerly down beside him, albeit a little too close for Yoongi’s heart to handle without beating out of his chest, but beside him nonetheless.

Jeongguk opens his mouth and says something, eyes little crescents as he laughs after.

But Yoongi realizes blatantly that his music is so loud, that he didn’t hear what the other had sad at all. So he quickly ripped his ear buds out, in a haste he hopes the younger didn’t catch, and quietly asks what he’d said.

Jeongguk grins, before repeating, “I asked if I scared you?”

Yoongi bristles, cheeks heating instantly. “No.” He huffs, turning back to look at his book once more. “I was just distracted.”

Jeongguk hums, still smiling, as he reaches over and ever so slowly, tucks a stray strand of dull red hair behind Yoongi’s ear, grinning so wide his bunny teeth are the focal point of his face.

Yoongi feels his blush deepen, reaching his ears and back of his neck as his heart hammers painfully against his ribs. He should’ve worn a hat. Or something. Why did Jeongguk do that? Was the hair in his way? But Yoongi didn’t notice it until after the younger had moved it, so maybe he was just used to it by now. His hair was getting longer.

“Thank you.” Yoongi shyly says, chewing his lip as he looks up through his lashes. Jeongguk is still smiling, but there such a fond twinkle to his eye that Yoongi swears he’s never had while looking at Jimin.

Or you.

“So what are you waiting out here for?” Jeongguk startles him out of his thoughts again, throwing an arm over the back of the bench and letting his fingers play idly with a few strands of Yoongi’s hair. It’s a distracting aspect, considering Yoongi is trying so hard not to just lean into his hand, to further embarrass himself in front of the younger.

Clearing his throat and looking down the road, Yoongi tries to look as unaffected as possible. Tries being the operative word here. “Hoseok is picking me up, so I figured I’d wait outside today.”

Something passes across Jeongguk’s features quickly, but is gone before Yoongi can look too far into it. He’s smiling again, although his one is a bit more tight, a lot more forced than a few minutes ago. “Hoseok huh? You’ve seem to take a liking to him lately.”

Yoongi flushes again, sputtering for a response. “He’s in most of my classes, so he’s been helping me with stuff I can’t seem to understand.” Swallowing thickly through the tension, Yoongi quietly adds. “Plus, he’s been making an effort to hang out with me.”

Yoongi sees the exact second Jeongguk understands the underlying meaning behind his words. Sees the wave of emotion wash across his features in such a quick pace, he’s surprised Jeongguk doesn’t get whiplash.

Gone is the smiling, bunny like boy next door before him.

Here is the stoic, hard featured Jeon Jeongguk, who retracts the arm laying haphazardly against the back of the bench so quick, he almost hits himself in the face.

Yoongi wants to apologize.

Wants to turn back the clock and stay inside this morning.

But before he can get a word out, a car horn is blaring down the road.

Both Yoongi and Jeongguk turn to look at who’s arrival is so alarmingly loud at 8 in the morning. The screeching of tires is louder than the horn, the music even louder. The convertible comes to a stop before them, bringing forward a nasty smell of burnt rubber and gasoline. Yoongi crinkles his nose in disgust at the intrusion, rolling his eyes when Jimin honks again.

“Hey baby!” Jimin hollers, waving his tiny hand around like there is someone else Jeongguk might mistake him for.

Jeongguk sighs, but plasters a smile on his face and stands, not even throwing a fleeting look back at Yoongi. He shuffles into the candy red car, tossing his gym bag in the back that Yoongi was unaware he even had out here, before plopping down into the passenger seat. Not a second before his ass hits the upholstery does Jimin reaches out a hand, stubby fingers locking around the back of Jeongguk’s neck, pulling him down and into a kiss.

Something painful lodges itself in Yoongi’s throat as he watches, dumbstruck and unable to turn away as Jimin moans out a quiet sound. Red hot jealousy courses through his veins as he catches gaze with Jimin, who is smirking something wicked as Jeongguk presumably kisses his neck, tilting his head to the side and moaning a little louder at something the younger does. Yoongi tries. He really does. He tries to look away. To ignore the painful throb of his heart in his chest, to ignore the devilish glint in Jimin’s eye.

But he can’t.

The burning behind his eyes indicate just how close he is to tears though, so with a painful breathe, Yoongi stands, turning his back to the couple making out in the car.

Within seconds the sound of another vehicle breaks through the murky waters of Yoongi’s mind, alerting him of his own ride. Shaking his head to rid himself of nasty thoughts, Yoongi shot one last look at Jeongguk – who still had his face in Jimin’s neck, like how do you even breathe??? - before making his way down the road to Hoseok’s Jeep, hopping into the passenger seat with ease.

“Yo, Yoongles. What’s up?” Hoseok asks, obviously to the tension outside, unaware of Yoongi’s soured mood and dampening mental.

“Nothing much Hobi, how’s your morning?” Yoongi asks, leaning his head against the window as Hoseok pulls away, driving past the still – its a wonder Jimin’s neck isn’t spit covered and dripping with all that kissing – making out couple.

Jeongguk looks up from Jimin’s neck as they pass. A dark look in his eyes.

Yoongi pays no mind to Hoseok the rest of the way to school, and if the other notices, he sure doesn’t say anything.

                                                          ---

When Yoongi arrives home, he’s not even surprised to see Taehyung lounging on his bed. The younger has been an avid part of Yoongi’s life since he helped him in pre-cal last year. Now Taehyung insists that he owes Yoongi his life – and in turn, his undying attention and affection.

As long as no one tells Taehyung that Yoongi actually really likes the affection, then everything is good.

“Hey Tae.” Yoongi says as his backpack drops to the ground with a thud, throwing his lithe body into the computer chair near his desk. “What do I owe this pleasure?”

Taehyung smiles wide, that boxy boyish smile Yoongi might have fallen in love with at one time or another, before hoping off the bed with ease. “We’re gonna give you a makeover!”

“We?” Yoongi quirks a brow, twirling around in his chair slowly. “And why are we doing this?”

Taehyung huffs, yanking the smaller male to his feet with ease. “Because! It’ll help with your confidence! And general self esteem!”

Yoongi opens his mouth to protest that his confidence is perfectly fine, but before he can, Taehyung adds:

“Plus I know you’re in love with Gukkie! So we’re gonna win his heart over! Got it? Good!” Yoongi feels his cheeks heat instantly, a bright burning feeling that matches the bright shade of the youngers hair before him.

“I – I don’t know what you’re talking – about.” He stutters, embarrassing himself more with the jumbled sentence. “Shut up.”

Taehyung’s tinkling laughter is bouncing off the walls as he meanders over to Yoongi’s closet, choosing to ignore the grumbling of the older. “Now see, I don’t know why Gukkie doesn’t just go for you instead of that attention whore Jimin.”

“Jimin is head cheerleader. It makes sense that they’re together.” Yoongi adds quietly, moving to sit on the bed and watch more closely as Taehyung begins to pull random clothing from the closet. “I’m on the bleachers.” He adds, shaking his head when Taehyung shows him a pair of leather pants with a grin. “C’mon Taetae. Jimin wears mini skirts and makeup! I wear band shirts and plaid.” He shakes his head again when Taehyung throws a pair of ripped up black skinny jeans on the bed beside him. “Jeongguk doesn’t like me, he doesn’t see me.”

Taehyung sighs, sitting down beside Yoongi and grabbing his hand. “Yoongi. Jeongguk likes you. Like a lot. I can see it. Hoseok can see it. The only people who don’t,” he presses a finger against Yoongi’s breastbone, a soft smile on his face, “is you and him. But we will make him see. He’ll wake up and find that you’re what he’s been looking for this whole time, alright?”

Yoongi sighs, a heavy breathe leaving him in a whoosh. He can’t argue with Taehyung, it’d be never ending and impossible to win. So he just bites his lip and nods, laughing when the younger pulls him up and pushes the skinny jeans into his arms. “I’ll try stuff on with you, ok?”

Taehyung’s laughter echoes through the room when Yoongi nods again, taking the jeans and heading to the closet.

Half hour later, and the pair are dressed in all black, Yoongi in a leather jacket while Taehyung rocks a blazer, each adorned with a thin black choker, giggling to one another as they dance around to the music blaring through Yoongi’s speakers.

Yoongi is so distracted by the dancing, singing, playing around with Taehyung that he doesn’t notice his phone go off, nor does he notice Jeongguk watching, a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes.

                                                        ---

It’s the night of a big game. Yoongi didn’t want to go. Him and Jeongguk were still not talking much, not even their nightly window texting charades were kept up in their tense few weeks. Taehyung insists that Jeongguk is just brooding, possibly jealous of Hoseok, or even Taehyung himself – even though the pair are best friends and spend more than enough time with one another.

Hoseok had diligently hoped on the ‘Get Yoongi and Jeongguk together’ bandwagon, even baking cupcakes for their weekly get together to talk strategy.

Taehyung and Hoseok had come over early on, carrying clothing and cheeky smiles as they pressed themselves into his room, ignoring his pleas and disapproval.

(“Gukkie is gonna love this look on you, I swear!” Taehyung had said while pulling Yoongi’s shirt off his upper body.

“It’s gonna be great, I promise.” Hoseok supplies, pulling out miscellaneous makeup items from a small pouch.)

So here Yoongi sat, squished between an excited Hoseok hollering at his friend who’s playing, and an even more energetic Taehyung, who’s clad in Namjoon’s jersey and covered in face paint, screaming his head off about his boyfriend being the best.

“Guys. I really don’t want to be here.” Yoongi whines, shifting around as he tries to nonchalantly look for a certain number 97. “Why can’t I just go sit at home? I have homework you know.”

Taehyung huffs, shaking his head. “You have all weekend to do your damn homework Yoongi! Enjoy yourself! We should be winning this by a long shot. So we’re gonna head to an after party at Jackson’s place, alright?”

Yoongi groans in response, shaking his head and making to stand up before the shrill sound of the whistle distracts him. Looking up with a quirked brow, he very easily finds Jeongguk among the crowd of players, helmet in hand and – looking right over here.

Jeongguk is looking at Yoongi.

Jeongguk is staring.

At Yoongi.

Yoongi blanks, mouth going dry as he stands, silent and not moving as the younger lifts a hand, waving slowly, a boyish smile gracing his beautiful features. Yoongi swallows hard past the lump in his throat, looking around quickly, scanning to see if Jeongguk was waving at someone else – anyone else. But Yoongi comes up blank, everyone around him distracted by something else, or watching other players.

A sharp elbow hits his ribs, pulling a pained gasp from Yoongi.

“You gonna stand there ogling all night? Or you gonna wave back?” Taehyung asks, wiggling his eyebrows when Yoongi glares down at him.

“He’s not even waving at me Tae! Shut up.” Yoongi fires back, hoping the darkening daylight is enough to cover his flushed cheeks. Sparing another glace to where Jeongguk is still standing and still staring, Yoongi finally sighs, raising a hand slowly and waves precariously back.

Jeongguk’s smile gets even brighter, before he nods slightly. And he’s putting on his helmet and running down the field to the rest of his team.

Yoongi’s heart is beating so loud, he hopes Taehyung and Hoseok can’t hear it.

They probably can.

                                                       ---

Halftime comes with a loud cheer.

Their schools team is in the lead, by a fair margin at that, but Taehyung insists they will win. So Yoongi isn’t allowed to leave yet.

Hoseok leaves to grab more snacks, and to say hi to his friend quickly. Taehyung is bouncing in his seat, waiting patiently to see if Namjoon will come out to see him before the third quarter starts. Yoongi is just as nervous, for what? He’s not sure.

He watches idly as their cheer squad heads out to the middle of the field, situating themselves in well trained poses and lines. Yoongi sees Jimin give an order, before turning to the bleachers and smiling wide, eyes little crescents on his tiny face.

If he wasn’t such a bitch, Yoongi might’ve liked him too.

Jimin shouts out a command, and the music starts.

The squad starts, two members flipping forward while Jimin and another girl are tossed high up, landing on their feet with big smiles and even bigger poses. It continues like this for another 10ish minutes, before they start shouting out commands for the crowd to follow. Yoongi startles when a guy behind him bellows out a near shriek when Jimin says ‘everyone scream!’.

Then their done, and Yoongi watches as Jimin and his team make their way back to the chairs they were once seated on. Jimin turns right before making it back to the rows of chairs though, and begins chatting animatedly with a player from the other team.

Yoongi feels his blood run hot when he watches, idly and seething, as Jimin laughs brightly, head back and hand landing on the bicep of the random player. Random player guy reaches out then, a precariously placed hand on Jimin’s tiny waist. Jimin pushes into the touch, a darker smile covering his otherwise angel like features.

“What the fuck?” Yoongi whispers under his breath, knuckles so tight they’re white from blood loss. He doesn’t see them shaking, but he can feel it when he unclenches his fingers. How can someone who has Jeongguk, who’s been dating Jeongguk for years, be so outwardly flirting with a complete stranger??

“So I totally got to see Joonie before he went back in to get the pep talk from Gukkie and – hey, you ok?” Taehyung asks, fingers tentatively reaching out to pry Yoongi’s fingers apart, concern washing over his features quickly. “What’s wrong?”

Hoseok arrives back soon after, smile wiped clean when he takes one look at Yoongi, cheeks flushed red with agitation and fingers gone stiff and sore from their clenched position on his lap.

“Yo, what’s up with him?” Taehyung shakes his head at Hoseok’s question, hand rubbing slow circles around Yoongi’s back in hopes of easing the tension.

But Yoongi can’t seem to calm down. All he sees is red as Jimin leans closer to random player dude, eyes that same dark desire that they are when Yoongi catches a glimpse of him and Jeongguk in Jeongguk’s bedroom.

Yoongi wants to march down there and rip Jimin’s stubby little fingers off of the random guy, wants to shout in his face and scream and hit him and make him see how stupid and reckless he’s being with Jeongguk’s heart at this moment.

But Jeongguk shows up in his peripheral then, and Yoongi freezes.

“No no no, shit.” Yoongi stands quickly, pushing past Taehyung – who’s now even more confused, calling his name over and over but Yoongi ignores him – and makes his way to the steps leading down to the field. He has to get to Jeongguk. Has to stop him from seeing.

From hurting.

But as he hits the second last step, he hears it.

“Jimin?” Jeongguk’s voice is timid, like a scared animal. “Who’s this?”

Jimin sighs, Yoongi can hear the sound from where he stands, stalk still. It causes more anger to burn into him. To think, Jimin is treating Jeongguk finding him flirting with someone else as a chore.

“This is Jin! Isn’t he cute?” Jimin turns then, angel like smile back on his face. Yoongi scoffs, shaking his head as he goes to move down the steps again.

“What’s going on?” Jeongguk asks. Yoongi stops again. Jeongguk sounds so sad.

“Jin invited me to his after party.” Jimin replies, a little bounce in his step as he places a hand back on random player guy’s – Jin – shoulder.

“Are you serious?”

Yoongi looks up quickly, seeing the anger wash over Jeongguk’s features instantly. His fingers curl into fists, his eyes narrowing as he zeros in on Jimin’s fingers curling around the collar of Jin’s jersey. “What the fuck are you doing Jimin?!” Yoongi startles at Jeongguk’s raised voice, not loud enough to be heard from where he was formerly sitting with Taehyung and Hoseok, but from where he stood now, he could hear it loud as day.

Jimin’s smile turns sickly then, and his eyes narrow slightly. “I’m just talking Gukkie. Can’t you see that?”

Jeongguk grits his teeth, responding through his frustration. “Like you were just talking with Jaebum? Or what about when you were just talking to Kihyun?”

Yoongi gasps, watches from his perch on the steps as Jeongguk’s lower lip wobbles slightly, easy to miss if you weren’t watching. Jeongguk clenches his eyes shut tight, taking a deep, shaky breath, before letting it out even slower.

“You know what?” Jeongguk says then, quieter but more emotion. “Fuck this. I’m done.” He turns on his heel then, brushing off the hand Jimin reaches out and puts on his wrist.

“Gukkie wait!”

“Go to hell Jimin.” Jeongguk seethes, tossing his helmet down in anger and taking off towards the steps.

Right towards Yoongi.

Yoongi – for lack of a better word – freaks out then. His hand start to shake easily when Jeongguk is at the base of the stairs. His fingers itch to reach out when Jeongguk’s on the first step.

But Jeongguk brushes past him quickly.

Yoongi can’t tell if it’s imagination or not, but he swears Jeongguk had shiny streaks of wetness running down his cheeks, eyes bright.

“Jeongguk..” Yoongi turns, whispers into the air as he watches Jeongguk take off up the stairs, then over the railing and down the other side, out of view and probably breaking quickly.

“....Wait.” Yoongi whispers again, a tear escaping his burning eyes then. Yoongi hastily wipes it away and takes off up the stairs, determined to catch the younger before he leaves.

But as he reaches the top step, he catches sight of Jeongguk, face in his hands as he jumps into an awaiting car.

“Gukkie..” Yoongi reaches out, but the car is already turning away. “Wait for me, please.”

                                                      ---

New spreads quick.

Star quarterback Jeon Jeongguk leaves in the middle of last nights game, breaks up with head cheerleader Park Jimin right before bolting!

Yoongi sighs at the school newspaper laying on the table, shaking his head and picking it up to toss is in the garbage.

Yoongi had made it home last night to find Jeongguk’s curtain closed, phone off and lights dark. He didn’t pick up any calls, nor did he even read the messages Yoongi had sent him.

Now the younger wasn’t even at school, and Yoongi would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. Jeongguk never missed class. At least not unless he was literally dying from an illness, but then he would let Yoongi know to get him his schoolwork.

Now though?

Jeongguk was ghosting everyone – Taehyung included – and now ditching class.

Yoongi clenched his teeth and ignored the pain flaring in his chest at the thought of the younger being in pain, of handling that pain alone.

Next time he sees Jeongguk, he’s going to talk to him.

Truthfully.

                                                     ---

Jeongguk arrives back at school the following Thursday, dark shadows under his eyes looking closer to makeup or bruises than his normal, lively skin. Yoongi watches as he meanders through the hallway, pace slow like he doesn’t care where he goes or when he gets there. He walks behind him a little ways back, watching as he weaves in and out of the crowd, many people passing by him with loud whispers and pointing, staring unabashedly.

Jeongguk ignores them all.

Even the girl that steps up to him slowly, a flowery note in her hands as she shyly hands it off, cheeks pink and eyes on the floor.

Jeongguk looks down at the note, but shakes his head and hands it back, brushing past the girl even when tears start to fall.

Yoongi doesn’t talk to Jeongguk yet.

                                                      ---

It’s prom night and Yoongi isn’t going.

Not that he doesn’t want to go. He does. Taehyung and Hoseok also want him to go, Hoseok even asking him as a ‘friend date’ but Yoongi declined.

Things were still tense at school, since Jeongguk and Jimin broke up. Jimin is handling it fine, already dancing around the school corridors, loudly talking to anybody that will listen about “Seokjinnie!”

Yoongi hates it.

Hates that Jeongguk still looks pale, face lack of colour and that pretty smile. Hates that Jeongguk is still sad when Jimin hurt him, used him, threw him away, and doesn’t seem to care at all about Jeongguk’s well being. Yoongi hates Jimin.

And where there’s a party, especially one this fancy and formal, there’s Jimin.

So here is Yoongi, music coming through his speakers, bouncing off the poster clad walls and ringing in his ears as he lounges on his bed, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, textbooks open and fingers poised with a pen. He’s trying to do homework (keyword, trying), but his mind keeps wandering.

There’s movement to his right, alerting his constantly active mind of Jeongguk’s presence in his bedroom, before the light gets turned on.

Yoongi watches idly, pen between his lips as Jeongguk flits around his room, looking quite frantic like he’s lost something. Yoongi smiles at his antics, tilting his head to continue watching. Jeongguk spins in a circle, before throwing his arms up in what Yoongi assumes is success before the younger disappears behind the wall.

With a shrug, Yoongi goes back to his work, ignoring the pitter patter of the butterflies in his stomach at seeing Jeongguk looking so alive again.

He’s only pulled from a particularly tricky math question by the sound of his phone going off.

Gukkie 7:14pm

You coming tonight?

Yoongi blinks down at his screen, once, twice, before looking over to his window and across, startling when he catches sight of Jeongguk standing there.

In a suit.

Holy shit.

Yoongi’s brain sort of short circuits, only a little bit, as he blankly stares at how the material stretches over his biceps with ease, makes his shoulders look wider and his waist look thinner and holy shit Yoongi might be dying.

Or dreaming.

Definitely dreaming.

His phone goes off again, and Yoongi jumps back to reality to bad, he throws his textbook off his bed with a loud thump.

Gukkie 7:16pm

Yoongi?

LMAO

Did you just

toss

your math textbook on the floor??????

Yoongi flushes bright red at the texts, hoping and praying Jeongguk can’t see the flush from where he stands. He shakes his head quickly, furiously typing back a response.

Yoongi 7:17pm

No >.>

And no.

Studying. :/

Yoongi watches as Jeongguk reads the messages with a small smile still on his face, but it slowly drops as he rereads the message, looking back up and pouting – literally pouting at Yoongi! - before typing again.

Gukkie 7:18pm

Oh.

I see.

Yoongi 7:18pm

...I love you [Draft]

Please don’t leave me. [Draft]

Delete Drafts?                               [Yes]                         No

Drafts Deleted.

Yoongi feels a painful tug on his heart. It’s not normal to feel this disappointed in himself, but with Jeongguk still pouting at him, it’s impossible not to feel down. Yoongi shrugs as Jeongguk playfully waves him over, but the younger finally heaves a visible sigh and waves once again before turning around and leaving his room.

Yoongi tries to rub the pain in his chest away with a few fingers on his breastbone, but with no avail.

Should he go?

Jeongguk was going alone, so clearly Yoongi can too.

He could call Hoseok up, maybe agree to his ‘friend date’?

But what if Jeongguk has a date he’s meeting there? Wouldn’t that be just the best for Yoongi’s health. Hype himself up so much that he gets even more crushed by going?

No thanks.

But what if Jeongguk is actually going alone? What if he’s going just cause he wants to go, and not because someone (read: Jimin) asked him to go? What if Yoongi went, and Jeongguk found him in the crowd? Would Yoongi be able to talk to him then? Or would he have to pretend he hasn’t been in love with Jeongguk for the past 6 years?

Before he could even think of an answer to his million questions, his phone pings again.

Gukkie 7:25pm

Wish you were here. <3

Yoongi stares down at his phone with his knuckles turning white around the device, breathing hiccuping as he tries to process how in the fuck he’s supposed to interpret that.

What if Jeongguk went just so Yoongi would follow?

Yoongi swallows the lump in his throat, and before his courage dissolves, he texts Taehyung.

Yoongi 7:32pm

Taetae!

SOS

I need your help!

                                                        ---

“This is gonna be so much fun!” Taehyung’s shouting at this point, bouncing around in the car so much Yoongi can feel it moving so easily.

“Baby, you gotta relax.” Namjoon cuts in, hand on Taehyung’s shoulder and pulling him to sit down. “It’s just a formal dance, not a rave.”

“But Joonie! Yoongi is here!” Taehyung cries, but despite the pouting, he’s situating himself to be comfier in the confines of Namjoon’s big biceps, wrapped precariously in a suit jacket that looks a wee bit too tight on the taller male.

But Yoongi can’t complain.

“That’s right baby, but if you don’t stop, you’re going to end up kicking Yoongi in the face.” Namjoon chides, brushing a hand through Taehyung’s hair when the younger whines in response.

“I’m fine, thank you though.” Yoongi cuts in then, shaking his head with a smile when Taehyung grins that boxy boyish smile, nuzzling his face into Namjoon’s neck easily. “Taetae, what you are doing?” Yoongi asks, grinning at the pair.

Namjoon flushes, lips in a thin line as Taehyung continues to do something to his neck, but Taehyung just giggles instead of replying, nuzzling closer. Namjoon whines then, flushing darker red at the noise escaping.

Yoongi stifles a laugh at Namjoon’s noise of indignation when Taehyung backs off then, laughing uncontrollably beside the older.

“You are horrible Taehyung.”

“Sure I am handsome,” Taehyung grins, snuggling into Namjoon’s side as he says so.

                                                         ---

“You came!” Hoseok says as he pulls Yoongi into a tight embrace, a smile so bright it rivals the sun adoring his lips when Yoongi pulls back.

“Yeah. Figured why not, right?” Yoongi shrugs then, trying to look as nonchalant as possible, even when he feels his neck break out in a cold sweat at the idea of being this close to Jeongguk after so many weeks of ghosting. “Where’s your date?”

Hoseok bellows a laugh, pointing somewhere behind him. “Soyeon’s off with her friends, ‘I need to fix my makeup Hobi!’ she said, but she looked fine to me.”

Yoongi grunts in lieu of responding, eyes snapping around the room quickly. He’s trying to not look for Jeongguk, but his body is positively buzzing with extra energy and Yoongi just can’t seem to sit still. Or well, stand still, but whatever. Hoseok seems to notice, even with Yoongi’s attempt to brush it off as nothing, before he smiles something wicked and jerks his chin to the left.

“He’s over there. Hanging out with Yugyeom and his friends.”

Yoongi feigns ignorance, shrugging when Hoseok guffaws at his shitty acting skills. “Who?” Yoongi asks, looking the opposite direction and chewing on his lip.

“Alright, whatever man.” Hoseok abides, but quickly shifts gears as he dusts invisible dirt off his outfit. “Wanna dance with me? You know, as payback for denying my request but still coming anyway?” Yoongi sighs, but nods, grinning when Hoseok bows low and grasps Yoongi’s fingers in his own, placing an exaggerated kiss on the back of it before rising.

“Hobi! Stop!” Yoongi chides, cheeks heating up as people steal glances at the duo.

Hoseok snorts as he drags Yoongi closer to the middle of the dance floor. “Alright, alright. Can’t make it seem like you don’t still have feelings for loverboy, can i?” He grins wider when Yoongi’s blush gets darker, sputtering a failed retort before sighing.

“By the way! You look fucking hot!” Hoseok says after the first song ends, his cheeks tinted pink with exertion.

Yoongi grins then, before shimming his body in a failed body roll, laughing when Hoseok chokes on his spit and begins coughing.

“Please never do that again!” Hoseok yells, face flushed from choking and dancing and probably something else. Yoongi just grins wider, and twirls around once more.

“Taetae picked it out.” Yoongi finally informed him, laughing when Hoseok nods in apparent agreement.

“When did you dye your hair?” Hoseok asks, pointing a finger to Yoongi’s head like he himself didn’t notice the sudden change from red to black. Taehyung had insisted that a new hair colour was needed to complete the outfit.

Which was why the three of them were over an hour late for the dance, but whatever.

“Earlier. Taetae said I needed a change, and I agreed.” Yoongi ran his fingers through his hair slowly, heaving a slow breath. “Does it look ok?”

Hoseok narrows his eyes. “Ok? Ok?? Yoongi! You look fucking amazing. Like holy shit I’m so upset at your for being so in love with Je-”

“With who?”

Yoongi freezes then. Hoseok swallows audibly. He’s looking at something – or someone – over Yoongi’s shoulder, but Yoongi doesn’t need a psychic to tell him who when he knows exactly who it is.

“Uh, nothing.” Hoseok chirps, before shooting Yoongi a dangerous look and excusing himself away quickly.

“Hoseok!” Yoongi shouts, but flinches when the voice behind him speaks again.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming?”

Yoongi turns slowly, eyes following the movement of his feet as he comes to stand in front of Jeongguk. His stance is casual, and his leg is bouncing, so Yoongi knows he’s getting impatient. He knows not to test the youngers patience either, seeing as how Jeongguk tends to get whinier and poutier when he doesn’t get what he wants.

“Yoongi?” Jeongguk asks again, taking a step forward but halting when Yoongi inhales sharply, heaving it out in a shaky exhale.

“Jeongguk. Hi.” He finally responds, eyes finally tracking upwards and landing on his collar bones. Not his face, but progress! Plus, they’re really nice collarbones. So who could blame him?

“I thought you weren’t coming tonight?” Jeongguk repeats his question, tilting his head to the side and causing his long hair to shift around his jawline. Yoongi swallows painfully slow, throat suddenly parched and raw.

“I decided to ignore my homework.” Yoongi says as innocently as possible, still not looking the younger in the eye. He sees Jeongguk shift again, arms fumbling for something to do, something to hold or touch.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He doesn’t sound mad. On the contrary, Jeongguk sounds sad, or even a little hurt that Yoongi didn’t think to alert him of his newfound desire to come to the prom.

Yoongi tries to backpedal, tries to gets words out past the sludge in his throat, past the numb feeling of his tongue but nothing works. He stands there, finally staring eye to eye with Jeongguk.

And he can’t do anything.

“Yoongi?” Jeongguk asks quietly, oh so quiet. Yoongi strains to here him, strains to ignore his body screaming at him to reach out. To touch. To hold. To confess.

Isn’t this what he wanted though? For Jeongguk to come see him at the dance? To prove that he’s here alone, and waiting. For what? He doesn’t know. If Jeongguk was here, and willing to search out Yoongi in the crowd of people dancing in this place, then clearly something drew him in. Right?

Right?

Yoongi opens his mouth, closes it, then reopens it. He needs to say something. Needs to tell Jeongguk how much he loves him. How much he means to him.

But before he can get a word out -

“Jeonggukkie!”

Jeongguk curses under his breath at the sound of Jimin’s high pitch squeal, shaking his head and turning on his heel to catch hold of the smaller male launching himself at Jeongguk.

“Baby! Hi! Why aren’t you dancing with me? C’mon!” Jimin hurries through his words, eyes glazed over a little like he’s been drinking.

Yoongi stifles a groan, holding back the dam of tears threatening to spill as he watches, quietly, behind the pair as Jimin surges forward and kisses Jeongguk. He turns then, away and ready to move, to leave or run or just find Taehyung and Hoseok and cry or something when Jimin gasps, catching Yoongi’s attention again.

“Jeongguk! What are you doing baby?” Jimin shrieks, tiny hands curled into fists as Jeongguk pushes Jimin away.

Yoongi gapes as Jeongguk shrugs Jimin’s touches off, shakes his head and turns back to where Yoongi is still standing, still watching.

“JEONGGUK!” Jimin cries then, voice so high it almost breaks glass.

Jeongguk rolls his eyes at Yoongi, causing him to giggle abruptly. Jeongguk turns back quickly, but taking a step back – a step towards Yoongi – and shakes his head again. “I told you before Jimin. I’m done. So please. Just leave me alone.”

Yoongi watches, fascinated, as Jimin’s pretty face flushes a dark red, eyes narrowed into slits as he huffs out a whine, then turns on his heel (in heels) and storms off, not before pushing people out of the way in his wrath.

Jeongguk turns back to Yoongi then, and Yoongi just stares.

“Sorry about that.” Jeongguk rubs the back of his head, eyes downcast and cheeks pink.

He raises his eyes again, frowning when he sees the device in Yoongi’s hands, but when he goes to ask, opens his mouth and begins to talk, his phone goes off in his pocket. Silencing him easily.

Yoongi watches in muted distress. Jeongguk’s frown deepens as he reaches for his phone, brows furrowing as he slowly unlocks it. Yoongi is beginning to panic when he sees the screen light up – Jeongguk’s homescreen picture an image of him and Taehyung, squished together and smiling wide. Yoongi isn’t jealous. Not at all. But right now, Yoongi is freaking out. Jeongguk presses his thumb on the messages app, and reads the text.

And rereads it.

And again.

Yoongi 8:54pm

I love you.

Yoongi watches as Jeongguk looks up quickly, opens his mouth to reply, but clearly thinking better of it as he snaps his jaw shut and glares down at his phone, typing quickly.

Yoongi is about to turn on his heels and bolt when the phone in his hands pings with an alert.

Oh shit.

He doesn’t want to see. He doesn’t want to see the rejection. Clear as day. Written out for him in bold letters and a pretty background. Doesn’t want to feel his chest be ripped open in front of all these people – all his peers, his friends, his crush.

But Jeongguk’s eyes are pleading, and Yoongi can’t say no to him no matter how hard he tries.

Gukkie 8:57pm

I love you.

Yoongi gasps. Jeongguk surges forward.

The background people become a blur, the noise muted. Yoongi watches in stilted silence as Jeongguk takes one, two, three steps and is face to face with him instantly. He’s looking down at Yoongi with so much adoration, so much want, so much love. Yoongi feels his chest blossom, with love, with pride, with a smile and a giggle, with a young boy who was too shy to talk to anyone but his next door neighbour, with a fearless quarterback that handled a broken foot like a champ.

Yoongi watches as Jeongguk reaches forward, fingers tentative as they search out his face, his cheeks, his jaw, his soul.

Jeongguk smiles then, and his eyes are wet and Yoongi can’t seem to get a word out.

So he does the next best thing.

He uses courage he didn’t think he mustered and surges forward on his own, crashing his lips against Jeongguk’s smile and never letting go.

Jeongguk stills for a second, two, then gains his courage back, and kisses Yoongi back.

He kisses Yoongi back.

#bts #yoongi #jungkook #Jimin #yoonkook #kookgi #yoonkookau #taylor swift song #friends to lovers #mutual pining #confessions

[qpocdoc-blog]

Dear Self, From M1 Me

Dear Self, So here's our typical end of the year letter to future!me in the hopes of documenting my hopes and trying to bring some memories in I might've forgotten. I really meant to be better at keeping this blog up to date with school, but school was so overwhelming and honestly I just forgot. So I guess goal number one for the future is to keep up with this blog a bit better. Onto the recap portion: This year has been long and it has been hard and it has been frustrating and exhausting, but it's also been fun. I gained a ton of weight (which is its own long post I don't want to get into) which I'm attributing to stress eating and not exercising. I also gained a ton of knowledge. It's kind of incredible how much information you can manage to cram into a brain, but it's equally incredible how much of it just falls right out. This year has truly been exhausting. School in and of itself was already exhausting. The exams felt never ending and I never felt like I had enough time to prepare the way I wanted to. And then on top of that was the never ending battle to just survive. My friend and fellow INFJ, whose codename shall henceforth be Pinky, disappeared off the face of the earth because of the harrassment by our classmates and so I spent the better half of the second year somewhat floundering alone. At least when it came to how awful the school is. I was lucky to find my study group, The Life's Squad, codenames henceforth Lion and Brian. Without them, I wouldn't have survived academically or emotionally. While they struggled all year just to use my pronouns, they're starting to get the hang of it and they helped me feel supported throughout the year. I'm glad we were able to become such good friends and I hope we keep being friends. I've actually put together a group of friends I don't hate (which for this school is about as good as it gets). In fact, I kind of like these people. There's codename Mastermind who keeps me amused during particularly boring lectures, codename Charlie who always wants to get hotpot, codename Phillipa whose kindness has been consistent and helpful, and codename Blue who was the first person outside of Pinky I heard use my pronouns correctly. They're not a perfect group by any means, but they're smart and kind and funny, and they help make me feel less alone. It's been a long year of fighting. After a year, there's still half my group of my Patient-Centered Medicine (PCM) class who don't use my pronouns. This includes my facilitator who I spoke to twice about this in the beginning of the year and just honestly can't take the energy to keep having that fight. PCM was a joke because the class is meant to teach us about working with marginalized populations but instead mostly was about how old white men felt about dealing with marginalized populations. The LGBT lecturer was so offensive, Pinky and I left in the middle of the lecture. I'm glad we did because apparently after we left the lecturer thought it would be appropriate to play "Let's Guess the Transgendereds". The administration refused to apologize for this. Despite many complaints about how offensive the lecture was, the course director sent out a follow-up email to the effect of "After looking at the evals, it looks like most of you enjoyed the class so it's too bad some of you super sensitive snowflakes didn't like it, but everyone else did" completely ignoring that the people who took offense to the lecture were all the LGBTQ students while those without a problem were generally straight people who, of course, had no idea what was wrong. While he tried to argue that it's better that we're moving toward talking about LGBT populations, I honestly think it does more harm than good to teach things incorrectly and horribly, horribly offensively. Still, he continued to defend the (white man) lecturer. On top of that there's been the year long refusal to own up to the transphobic/ cissexist language in the curriculum, consistently using woman to mean "person with a vagina and a uterus and XX chromosomes" and man to mean "person with a penis and XY chromosomes" while simultaneously teaching us it is possible to have XY chromosomes and have a vagina and uterus and XX chromosomes and have a penis. Additionally, it seemed an entirely absurd idea to them to teach us specifically what they meant. When they say "women are more likely" do they actually mean women? (no, they never do) Or do they mean people with a vagina? People with a uterus? People with higher levels of estrogen? People with a shorter urethra? People with two X chromosomes? People without a Y chromosome? Instead of actually teaching us the science, we play the "well obviously women have this" game which ultimately leaves us all with a poor medical understanding. While they seem to think we'll never have trans patients or that they'll be the exception to the rule, I'm hoping the vast majority of my future patients will be queer so there's a good chance many of them will be trans. Unfortunately this means I'll apparently be teaching half of my medical knowledge to myself as the school refuses to teach me the truth. At the beginning of the year Pinky and I were asked to write a letter to the curriculum committee about changes we'd like to see in the curriculum. When changing language was on our list, we were told, "No. We don't want to be progressive." I was flabbergasted. Oh, by the way, after sending this letter we got radio silence for six months. Then they decided they were making an "LGBT Task force" per our recommendations (which, by the way, we recommended a task force to evaluate the needs of the curriculum based on a wide variety of marginalized communities, not specifically the LGBTQ community alone, but okay) and neither of us were tapped for the task force because we were "biased" for writing the letter that they asked us to write. Also, it's particularly strange to me I wasn't tapped being that I'm the only out QTPOC at the school. Especially since both the people tapped for the task force are white people. Especially because we didn't even know this was happening until one of the white people tapped (henceforth codename Poet) asked us if we'd been tapped because he was afraid he was only being asked because he's a "quiet" queer who doesn't make waves. He probably was. This was the point at which we sent yet another email to the curriculum committee and finally got a response for a meeting. Back to the story. Yes, at this meeting we were told our school does not want to be ahead of the curve. We simply want to catch up. "Our school," we were told, "Is five to ten years behind in some categories and we just want to catch up to convention. We don't want to be ahead of it." My jaw hit the ground. After I found the energy to pick it back up, I asked why. Her response? "Because we wouldn't want our students to not be able to talk with their peers." Because, as we all know, if you don't learn cissexist ideas and use cissexist language when your attending asks you about a woman, meaning a cis woman, you will be flabbergasted and confused after apparently living your whole life without being innundated by our society and so have no idea what this idea of woman according to your attending is. Also, because it is apparently preferrable for us to use outdated and potentially harmful language with our peers than to be at the forefront of giving better medical care. Excuse me while I roll my eyes so hard they fall right out of my head. Pinky and I are running two orgs together next year. We have our LGBTQ group and we're running a group with Lion based around human rights and social justice. We brought in a lecturer to talk about water quality in our community. I'm excited for the work we can potentially do, but am realizing much of the brunt of it may end up on my shoulders as Pinky is avoiding the school as much as possible for her own health. It's entirely understandable, but it is tiring to know I am our main presence on campus and on the internet and that, for the most part, I am alone. Still, that's been the theme of this whole year. As much as I've made friends I care about and have had support, I still consistently feel I am alone. I am the only out QTPOC at this school. Now that Pinky isn't around, I'm the only one who shares most of my politics. I am alone and I am tired of it. The last post I made on this blog was before my suicide attempt at the beginning of the year. I've been lucky to be keeping up with my antidepressants and have been dealing with my depression and anxiety at a much better rate, but still. I continue to grapple with feeling alone, and I'm not really sure how to make it better. I'm still missing my old home with my old community and the feeling that I was surrounded by care for every part of me. I'm back to being here where there are only parts of me that are held. Where I feel like I have to cut myself into pieces so I can be palatable. Where I know there are only certain parts of me that can and will be cared for. I'm still working out how I take care of the rest of me. At least I passed M1. I'm 25% of the way to being a doctor and I'm exhausted. This year has reminded me why you don't see a plethora of QTPOC doctors. They try really fucking hard to keep you out, and when you get in, they try really fucking hard to kill you and make you feel alone. They've done a pretty good job with me, but I'm going to try and survive out of spite. I will be a cockroach. I will survive on nothing and thrive on it. That, or I'll die trying. Future Goals: I hope through the next year I can better maintain this blog. I want to record more thoughts for the future. The time flies by in school and I want to document it how I can. I hope to maintain my friendships. I hope to find the time to keep up with my friends outside of school while still having time for my school friends. I hope to keep my chin up and feel like I'm doing something more than survive. We'll see if I can. Lessons learned: I know now I can survive quite a bit. I can push through quite a bit. Compassion is always important and kindness goes a long way. I know they will try and squash it out of me, but I hope I can hold on to that compassion and that kindness. Advice to future me? Be kind. I hope you've stayed in touch with your roommate, codename Red. I hope you've stayed in touch with everyone mentioned here. I hope you stay hopeful, even when they try to kill you. I know it's tiring and I know I'm coming from the perspective of someone who is now on break and doesn't need to be fighting every second, but I hope you do fight. I hope you keep following your dreams. I hope you are courageous when you can and compassionate when you can. As always, follow Dad's advice: Bend your legs when you have to, but stretch them out when you can. Be a cockroach and survive. If you can do it, I think the world does need you. I think we can do something amazing. I just hope we can get there. Anyways, I don't know when you'll be reading this, but I hope every time you do you remember that you are resilient. They have tried to kill you in every way they can, but you are here. I may not always like you, but I do love you. It's taken a long journey to learn that, but we'll keep spiraling up. Take care of yourself. Best, The QPOC Doc